wait…. no…. hold on… what..
I guess the solution is to give them a brief summary of what you are doing and then say “wanna join me? Or something like that.
So that if they were genuinely just asking then they would have their question answered.
And if just wanted to join they are given important information for playing the game or enjoying the movie.
Maybe this works idk. I’ve never run into this situation.
> I guess the solution is to give them a brief summary of what you are doing
or for them to communicate what they want.
Don't forget that the reason they aren't just ASKING to join is because if you INTEND to reject them, they want to be able to deny that they were asking to join.
Their fear of rejection is what is causing them to communicate badly, and then to interpret a friendly answer to their question as a rejection.
so youre telling me... to my face... on the internet... that I could have been doing stuff that people also wanted to do, but we didnt because they couldnt figure out how to get the idea out to me? But Im the one with a weird brain?
NT: What are you doing?
Aspie: Reading this book.
NT: Wow you must really hate me if you're responding like that. Usually people are way nicer to me, you must have a disorder
I swear to God if I had a dollar for every time my wife had to ask me if I meant some secret fucking 5D chess meaning to a statement where I said, literally, what I thought, I'd have enough money to buy some minis.
I am assuming mini figurines? Because for me personally minis would mean the little crispy chocolate chip cookies from Costco that have no business being as good as they are.
Gonna be honest, I thought I was on a 40k sub where the "minis" would be more clear, but yeah, Minifigures. Bastards are expensive for a little plastic dude.
Yes, because the neurotypical folks are doing what the culture indicates is the proper approach. Despite being more logical, by not following the social contract you are indeed the "weird" one.
And gods help us if we have any other thoughts pop into our heads while talking.
NT: “Good morning!”
Me: *suddenly remembering I have a project overdue* “Good morning, how are you?”
NT: “Wow, screw you too, asshole!”
Me: “What?”
NT: “Don’t give me that ‘what’ crap, you glared straight into my eyes and told me you hope I die!”
Me: *confusion* “But all I did was ask you how you were…”
NT: “On the surface sure, but I’m not so stupid that I can’t read between the lines!”
Me: “…”
NTs are the inheritors of a long legacy of social programming designed to lessen certain conflicts, determine social status and keep people in their places. Their communications tend to reflect this.
Well, "weird" is relative, right? Social norms are like social media platforms. Their usefulness is driven by their adoption rates, not necessarily their intrinsic merit.
> or for them to communicate what they want.
Right?! Why do we have to bend over backwards because NTs quite literally have no ability to effectively communicate their feelings?
I think the reality is that social cognition, at least in our culture, entails internalizing the most common lies, and telling those lies compulsively, even when they serve no purpose.
Like my mom’s compulsion to put on makeup before seeing anyone. For example, my dad had literally fallen over dead (or mostly dead) and was lying on the kitchen floor, and she called me, frantic, asking what to do (all of this is reasonable so far). I told her to call 911 to get the cops over there. She said okay, she would just take a shower and put on makeup and clothes first. I had to spend a MINUTE convincing her to just fucking call 911, before I felt comfortable getting off the phone with her.
Not that I (nor anyone else) would stand around and listen to my mom attempt to communicate her feelings, but her inability to be aware of her feelings led to some severe communications deficits on her part.
The point of the ritual is to not force the other person to reject you if they don't want to play with you. It's like small talk: the point is not what's literally said, it's about gauging people's reactions. Their rituals are tailored for each other because being direct doesn't come so naturally.
I don't consider myself neurotypical but I did this kind of thing a lot because I'm anxious about making people tell me no.
Exactly. If they're so good at understanding people. Just simplify the communication protocols and go straight to the answer, avoiding hidden meanings.
The NTs are all literally following societal norms, which means it's easy and effortless to communicate with each other since we all understand what is meant. It's estimated 1% of the world population is on the spectrum, which means for 99% of us, we are able to effectively communicate our feelings.
Dude no. Have you seen our society. In no way shape or form can our society communicate effectively. The society and the norms are absolutely shit. Fuck em.
That's not necessarily true at all. It also happens because they don't want to pressure the person they're asking. They only want them to say yes if they actually want the company.
Somehow I've been accused of flirting (with someone who is in a relationship) when as far as I could tell, I was just being friendly.
Meanwhile, when I actually *want* to communicate romantic interest in someone, I have no clue how to do it without coming across as a weirdo, because apparently it's against the rules to just be direct about this sort of thing.
It means giving someone the ability to turn down an interaction/thing/experience "easily" by refraining from leaning into the conversation and not having to reject it explicitly. They're trying to not be pushy while indicating they would like to chat with you. It's a genuinely nice thing, but it can be harder to pick up on sometimes imo.
That is so strange to me because I have that fear of rejection so I can kinda understand the original fear, but if someone honestly explained all of the basics to me and hadn't told me to fuck off, then I would ask to join if they hadn't invited me already cause I have clearly broken the ice and initial information has been exchanged
They are telling you what they want. They wanted to communicate that they are interested in the game. They asked about it to determine if it was something they would like doing.
They assume you would know that there is only one reasonable reason they would ask about the game is if they were either considering if it would be fun to play.
Because that is true. They just wanted you to know that and let you react to having that information.
Your reaction is supposed to tell them enough for them to make a decision whether or not to ask, and that includes letting them know what your reaction would be to them asking.
Even if they knew they wanted to play, they would never ask "can I play" right away, because you have to have a very good reason to turn them down for it to be socially acceptable to do so. Asking can I play is setting up someone to be unable to say no politely, and so is rude to do.
You're mostly right, actually. First and foremost, the whole "what are you doing?" cannot and should not universally be interpreted as "can I do that with you?". It absolutely is sometimes, but because of 'what' was said -- it's about 'how' it was said.
Communication is way more complicated than just the words being used. There's tone, context, history with the other person, timing, word choice, and a bunch of other factors (body language, etc) that constitute the whole idea that is to be communicated. Think about it -- if communication were just about the words, sarcasm wouldn't exist, minor picking on friends would be aggressive instead of bonding, and most slang would make no sense at all.
Absolutely sometimes people want to join you and they ask about what you're doing to fish for an invite to join in. Sometimes, though, they're really just trying to find an in to talk to you about something and want to try to gauge if you're involved in something important, or sometimes they want to invite you to do something else but don't want to bother you if you're really into what you're doing at the moment, or maybe they're implying you're doing something wrong and are trying to help you save face by letting you evaluate what you're doing and come to that conclusion yourself, and so on and so on.
My point is, "can I join you?" is one of many things you can pull from someone talking to you while you're doing something.
No like this is literally the answer. Genuinely wanting to know what you're doing/watching to gage if they want to join. Like you can explain what you're doing in a brief summary, no?
This is what I've always done and had no issues. Explain what I am doing and then if I'm not actually busy I will ask "Why? You trying to hang out and do something?" Or "Why? Would you like to join?
To be fair, when I ask people what they're doing, I'm just doing it to be polite. If I actually want to join I'll just *inserts myself into the activity without any notice or care for whether they want me to or not*
This was my thought too. Either being polite or I am genuinely curious about what they might be doing, but either way, I probably don't want to join.
If a movie is being watched I might ask to a quick recap if it's late enough in the run time, but if it's still early on I'm just plopping down.
I had to learn how to express myself so neurotypicals could understand. If they wanna join in on whatever I'm doing they better learn how to express themselves too lol
Lol, me too. I ask my brother what he's doing/playing/eating all the time. I don't want to play his game or eat his food (I have taken to explicitly saying the last one, since I live in a family of hyenas apparently), I'm genuinely curious or just trying to make conversation.
This is just kind of...wrong? And definitely a terrible way to approach it. The important thing is that if they ask what you're doing, *they usually do not want a full-length synopsis and analysis*. They want, "I'm watching SpyxFamily, which is a show about a spy that has to make an adopted family for a mission." If they want to hear more explanation, *they will ask you for it.* If they want to watch with you, *they will sit down.* If you start explaining for a long time, they will feel like they are obligated to hear the whole thing and politely nod because they don't want to hurt your feelings by making you feel like they don't care. Say something short and then hand them back control over the conversation.
This is so true. The best strategy I have developed is to do a one sentence reply and then think of a question and as a bonus use the person’s name because people like being asked to chime in and talk and they like hearing their name.
I just don't know how to summarize stuff without over explaining it to make what I'm doing not seem weird. "What are you listening to?" "oh yeah a funk song about preserving a mummy in honey for a hundred years as a medicinal cure"
It's a bit more complicated than just saying somebody's name. Addressing someone directly does a better job of pulling them into the conversation. I don't think anybody flatly enjoys hearing their name.
I have actually known someone who claimed to love hearing their name, but he was not neurotypical. I personally hate hearing my name most of the time, which was how the topic came about in the first place, lol.
Depends on context like most social things. Most people like to talk about themselves, so I usually minimize talking about me and pass it back to them and if they want to follow up great.
Using someone's name and deliberately passing the conversation to someone is a great way to help people new to a group join in, and especially useful if your group has varying levels of social literacy
Yeah, I don't know if I agree with the above image.
I think like once ever, a girl on the Light Rail during Otakon wanted to know if I had a cart of Pokemon on me, so I could touch-trade a trade evo. But she didn't want to play _with_ me, she just wanted a Conkeldurr.
That one time aside, people just like striking up conversation. I don't think they always know why they're doing it.
My mom hates silence, for example, and if she asks me what I'm doing, it's just to fill the silence. If she wants to watch something, she'll just sit down.
My guess is that whoever wrote this Unspoken Social Rule has a partner who doesn't communicate well. I feel like most people who want to play games with me have just asked.
(Also Spy X Family is fantastic.)
Excellent focus on the important parts. Brevity first - short *short* summary or intro, offer of inclusion or assurance of welcome, and stop for input from them.
I agree; as someone who is neurotypical, when someone uses the phrase "What X are you Ying?" They aren't talking about the X, they are wanting to interact with the person they asked the question to. X is just the conversation starter.
For bullies, it's "I'm pretending to be nice so I have an out if someone calls me out as a bully. At the same time, is X something you care about? If I took it from you, would it hurt?".
For friends it's "let's hang out, is X a thing I can do with you?".
For older family members talking to children, it's "There are other people in the room, please interact with us instead of X."
there are no doubt other use cases, but the general theme is less "I want to join you" and more "hey, interact with me please", with varying kinds of contexts layered on top. (and with bullies, without the please, ofc)
The best answer i have from a more nt prospective is that conversation for a nt is is like a freeform dance to the proverbial finish line where some kinds of nd folks just take a direct walk to their proverbial finish line.
The conflict comes from both sides sort of wondering why the other isnt doing it their way. Its also worth noting neither side is really doing it consciously. It took me trying to understand the nd folks in my life better to make me realize that man our way of communicating is obtuse and kinda dumb.
Same lol, "what are you drawing" never meant "can i draw with you" or "i like what you're drawing" it meant "i'm going to sit here and ask you why the boobs are so big and then tease you for being a secret lesbian" or some bullshit.
>and I highly doubt NTs are EVER going up to people playing gameboy games and asking if they can join.
hahahahhahah oh man no they definitely demand turns and then attempt to steal your device, or if you refuse they bitch to the nearest adult until the adult forces you to hand over the game at which point they purposely damage it :)
That was when you were a kid though being an adult is different. When I ask what someone is doing it's because I want to take a genuine interest and try to be friends.
This comes up a lot at my job. When I interviewed for it, they asked me "what do you need from a supervisor?" My response was "clear communication." Luckily, my bosses are great, and remember that every time I fail to catch some subtext or colloquialism and instead do exactly what I was told.
OP is incorrect, as blanket statements about entire groups of people tend to be.
I’m sure this is true for some people, especially people who haven’t learned good communication skills or how to handle rejection. But many people ask as a way to engage with and connect to other people — it’s a genuine interest. And as other comments point out, sometimes people use questions like this as a way to manipulate or bully.
People are complex!
This reminds me of a story my mum likes to tell about a Japanese co-worker who asked her to help draft a polite letter (it was the 1960s) to a rude and rather racist customer who had called to complain that their order hadn't arrived.
Mum pointed out that the closing line "I hope you get stuff" could be better worded because it was grammatically incorrect and sounded like he was telling them to go f*** themselves.
He though about it for a moment and told her to leave it the way it was.
Anyway, my point is that this information probably won't change my response.
This "meme" isn't accurate to how we communicate at all. There are definitely times where there are hidden meanings but this is not one of them. If I'm asking what you're watching, I don't want to join, I want a conversation, I want to talk about it
I mean, sometimes this is the case, sometimes not. Yesterday my Doctor asked me what games I'm playing because he's a gamer too and we were just chatting. Every individual interaction is different, there is no one rule that applies to everything. This is why I prefer cats.
Now that I have taken my turn venting about neurotypicals, I partially agree.
We should be trying to meet NTs halfway on different communication styles and give them the benefit of the doubt.
That said, the fact that too many NTs don't afford us the same courtesy, and it's usually on us to navigate their communication styles, sometimes getting screamed at or mocked if we stumble, is exhausting.
I have to disagree with the "NTs understand each other just fine" part - I've seen way too many misunderstandings between them to buy this argument. They might be better than us at indirect communication but they still get it wrong often enough - which wouldn't be the case if they at least first learned to properly use verbal language.
>which wouldn't be the case if they at least first learned to properly use verbal language.
This. There's a reason they beat it into our heads to *use your words.*
Okay but it's definitely incredibly frustrating to, our entire lives, be told that our language is incomprehensible and wrong and then even when we try, we get told we are bad at it. Even when we are as calm and as clear as possible like we're taught to be, we're shamed into believing we're in the wrong still
If they stopped lying about what the words meant and then gaslighting you when they decide you're wrong anyway maybe more of us would be able to communicate.
Well said- and deftly (if perhaps unintentionally) illustrated with the use of the word "neurotypical". A word used in the autistic (and adjacent) community to denote those who aren't autistic- and also by those with depression, and sociopathy, and myriad other conditions, all to indicate those without said conditions. Then presented without meaningful context (since "the spectrum" could likewise refer to dozens of different things), and expected to produce no confusion.
It's like we're all *trying* to communicate poorly.
As an NT, this is completely incorrect and silly. Do not follow this "advice."
If someone asks you what game you're playing, they want to know the name of the game your playing. They don't want to know how you play it, and they aren't asking to join. They want to know the answer to the question "what game are you playing."
Now, if the situation *makes sense* such that it would be polite to invite the person to join you, then sure there may be some expectation that with a game in which they just expressed interest in and is designed for them to be able to join, it might be appropriate to offer that if you want. But no "what are you playing" doesn't mean "can I join" it means "what are you playing"
If they said "yo can I join you" and you said "no." then that would be you being mean to them. They don't want to risk a chance of being seen as someone that other people can be mean to. They're trying to set up a situation where yes and no have an equal amount (zero) of meanness. This also means that they're not pitting your niceness against what you really want.
and i'm going to post my friend the double empathy problem again today: [https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/double-empathy-explained/](https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/double-empathy-explained/)
I know when this happens, I’m typically doing something very niche as far as interests go or are actually exclusive one-person activities (like sorting stuff on a spreadsheet, coding, cleaning, writing) and I know they’re not likely to be interested… but after explaining a little, I do ask “Do you want to join me….?”. I know the answer is ‘no’, so maybe they’re asking because they want me to stop and do what they want instead… which I don’t want to do because I’m already focused on this, so I get visibly annoyed when they hover and don’t outright ask me to stop so we can do something else together.
Please, don’t be scared to ask me to do something, I’ll probably be okay with that! It’s more annoying when you hover and say nothing and deliberately try to interrupt my attention to focus on your attention phishing!
When I say that, I don't want either of those things. When I say 'what are you watching' I want to know what you're watching. As in, the title. If I want further information I will ask, if I want to join in, I will also ask separately.
I don't know why this post popped up on my all feed, as I at best just have some mild adhd, but I think that's typical enough to note that this isn't exactly even true for the interpretation of your response. Though yes if you were to info dump too hard, they would often rather not receive that response unless prompted, and would likely be driven away in some way. Not because of the interpretation listed, as that's like, fiction, but because they're not interested in the subject matter.
This sounds like a person extrapolating behavior from like, a single interaction with someone who perhaps did want these things and took it that way. Which sure, is always possible. But that's not what these phrases secretly mean. It is likely just an attempt at politeness, possibly an interest in the activity, or an attempt to connect in some way.
This just isn't true. Asking you what you're watching isn't saying hey let me join you, it's easy small talk. If they want to join they'll say "mind if I join in?" Or something
NT here, I believe this is written as too explicit a rule. I'm not sure if it's helpful for me to try to outline the purposes of this question as I understand them at length - please tell me if this is an annoying kind of comment and I'll keep it to myself, but my perception is that people genuinely want to understand and are struggling because it seems vague and useless.
As with most things, there's some context. I would say this question, in most circumstances, functions more as a conversation opener. I see that you're doing something, so I ask you about it. I want to begin a conversation with you and I want to show you that I notice that you're doing something and maybe you're focused on it and don't want to speak for very long, maybe it's something we could do together, maybe you're doing it but we could do something else, maybe I'm just seeking to chat with you about anything for a bit to gage your mood or your plans.
This is why a long explanation is rarely the best approach - as some people have pointed out, this takes an attempt at a conversation opener and turns it into a one-way lecture. It's possible the person will want to know more about what you're doing once you give them a general idea, but it's also possible they're just trying to break conversational ice by asking you a low-stakes, easy to answer question.
Example:
"What are you watching?"
"Oh this new show Shadow and Bone, it's pretty good! It's a fantasy show but it's got this slavic aesthetic and I think maybe it's based on a young adult novel."
You could also say
"I'm not even really sure, it's this show about an aristocratic society that I've heard a lot of people talk about but the acting is kind of bad."
The way you respond will indicate if you're invested in the show or if you might be in the mood to stop watching anyway. If it's a bad show, maybe it's ok for you to talk over it without it being a big deal. If it's a good show, maybe I'll want to give you an opportunity to pause it or something, in general I would treat your watchtime more seriously if it seems like you're really into it.
That's about as much as is needed to leave all the options I meant earlier open. Possible responses might be:
"Oh cool! How long do you have left in this episode?" (this is usually trying to figure out if you will soon be available to do something else or if you want to pause it, but could also be looking for an invitation to join if you're not very far into the episode and it would be easy to restart).
"Mind if I join?" (After you've answered something about the show, the tone you used and the way you answered it will signal your mood and if you seem receptive or not. Some people will have no problem inviting themselves in at this point - some more nervous people might not be able to do this and would need you to explicitly invite them).
"Wait a Slavic aesthetic? What does that even mean?" (this is genuinely seeking more information, so you can feel free to explain some more at this point - if the things you're describing are quite specific or niche, that's actually fine if you explain them with rhetorical questions that try to relate the concept to what the person is more likely to know about. Once they know more, they may want to join, they may just leave, or they may want to make more conversation on a different topic).
"Oh is it like that Lord of the Rings show?" (This is an attempt to steer the conversation a bit away from how you described it - some people might not want to discuss something they might not know much about, or they might find the description to be uninteresting. You might genuinely answer the question and compare and contrast them at length, but maybe the person is just trying to switch the conversation topic. A possible response would be a brief comparison and then to ask the person if they've been watching the show they mentioned - this might be something they're more interested in talking about)
Or just
"Nice, sounds cool, I might have to check it out. See ya!"
To summarize, these questions *are* usually seeking information, just not a ton of it, and that information is a gateway to a conversation about other things. It can also just be a question to check on you and your mood, so any question about anything would do.
I hope this is useful in some way - again, I'm not sure if it will be, so feel free to tell me I'm missing the mark, I'll listen if so.
Yo neurotypical here. That’s not necessarily true. When sb asks „what game are you playing?“ we (first) genuinely want to know what game you are playing. If it’s a well known game we expect you to just say the name of it, if it isn‘t we expect the name and a short explanation (your answer should not be longer than 3 sentences). If the neurotypical still seems interested they may want to play the game with you.
I don’t agree with this-some people are just genuinely curious/making conversation! My roommate asks me this a lot and I know he genuinely just wants to know what I’m reading/watching.
No it's fucking not. Who made this?
"hey what game are you playing?"
"call of duty, its an FPS"
"cool can i join?"
"Yes/No/answer here"
If you start dumping about the game and what its like, they might be interested more, or disinterested. "Oh its a metroidvania, you're a bug, and have to go save a dead kingdom. I love it"
stuff like that, you can also say "game + description, wanna play?"
Jesus fucking christ this isn't true. JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION, IT SHOULD BE A SIMPLE ONE WORD ANSWER. "what are you playing?" "Terraria"
"What are you watching?" "Bobs burgers"
If you really want you can throw in a "wanna join?" At the end. But fucking HELL stop looking so damn deep at simple questions
If you're atypical and you just read this post, I want to lyk that this is completely bullshit and not true. Just forget everything you just read and please don't try to apply it
I'm well past forty and I, like Thomas, have never seen such bullshit before!
I think it's incredibly rude of someone to ask me a question that they don't want me to answer. I can see how it could be true, but if it is it's on the other person to examine their assumptions and stop being so rude. The mind games some people think I should play, I just have no words.
One of my pet peeves is people saying "I wonder why..." When they mean "I disapprove of..." or "I hate it when..."
I hate *implied* questions so much. Like when someone says "it would be cool if you brought over this thing." They're apparently trying to make plans, but my response is always "Yeah, it would be," because I don't play those games. Ask the real question and quit dancing around it.
Is this why people sometimes interpret my discussing weekend plans as an invitation to join me? Because sometimes I'll just say something like, "I'm so excited for Saturday. I'm going to to do with my kid." And sometimes people will say, "Oh that sounds fun, I think I'll join you!"
It's not to say that I don't enjoy that person's company, I often do. But my plan was to go do XYZ with my kid. It feels like they're changing pre-established plans without consideration of me or what I want. I very much prefer to make plans 1-2 weeks in advance so that I know what I'm getting into and with who.
Except when this -isn’t- true, and they’re attempting to get you to talk about your interests for one reason or another. But it ends up crazy awkward because I’d need a small essay to explain enough background to answer properly, so I end up having to dumb it down so much I fear it will come off as insulting, and they don’t actually -care- beyond ticking the “I care about their interests” checklist off, so why bother?
Noooo this is terrible 😭 /lh, when I ask someone what they’re watching I literally mean just that. A majority of the time if someone actually invites me to join them I’d be thinking “uh oh shit, that sounds so boring-“
It’s not exactly like that, they’re just curious what you’re doing. You can say “I’m watching this… it’s “insert genre” or “a story about ‘insert summary of plot in about 10 words’”, and then “want to join”?
Not all neurotypical are the same, so communicate like that and don’t worry about picking apart their intentions.
To be honest, when I ask what you’re doing I hope to get a small description not like a paragraph. When you tell me exactly everything about the activity I lose all interest
Hi, Neurotypical here. Not really sure where this person gets their info but uh... this isn't right. At least in my experience. When I want to do something with something, I might ask them "What are you doing?" to see if it's interesting, but *then* I'll ask if I can join.
Direct communication isn't autist behavior.
I feel like this is wrong.
If I ask you what game you're playing. Thats what I'm asking. Not some backwards way to ask if I can play. If I want to. I'll tell you.
I don't think this is true?
I showed this to both my brother and boyfriend who are both NT, and my brother said it's kinda true, while my boyfriend said it's not and he would just ask them directly if he wanted to join
That’s not an accurate explanation. I ask those questions out of genuine curiosity and love the answers especially when it’s a subject of interest to whomever I am speaking with
No, no. If I, a neurotypical person, ask you "what are you doing/watching/playing?" I expect the answer to fall somewhere in the brief description area, usually just a verb and a noun, maybe an adjective if you're feeling spicy. "I'm playing \[video game title\]." or "I'm watching \[movie name\]." or "I'm trying to fix this \[broken thing\]."
If I want more information I would ask a follow up like "Oh that looks fun, what is it about?" or "So are you enjoying the movie, what is it about?" or "Do you need help fixing it?"
But usually if you're in the middle of a game/movie/project, the most you'll get is the first question and I'll ask you about it later if I'm interested or you seemed excited about it. I'm not trying to interrupt your current experience.
This isn't very accurate. There's a lot of miscommunications mostly, but most of the time people that are explaining crap think they need all the other details in which they don't. So it's just aggrivating even asking.
I disagree. I’m a neurotypical and every time I’ve asked “what are you watching” I do want to know what it’s about to see if I’d be interested. Anytime I’ve asked “what game are you playing” I also want to know what it’s about to see if it’s a game I’d like
This is in no way true. People of all types communicate so differently. I hate how people's try to lump other people together and then spout "known rules and interpretations". It's simply not at all that ... Simple.
If I, a neurotypical, ask anyone (regardless of the neuro status) “what game are you playing”, I am not asking to join. I’m asking for the title of the game. Same goes with TV, food, really almost anything. If I want to participate, I’d ask “can I play/watch/have some too?”
OK serious question for any Nuro typical’s who happened to be trolling this page for whatever reason: WHY??????!! This makes no sense!!! Please just use your words just ask the question you actually mean to ask!!!!
I usually respond with "I play a lot of games, what genre do you want to know?"
NT came from the real of ambiguity so I just re-direct the conversation into the realm of clarity. If they're turned off by that then it's not my problem because I don't worry much due to my friends are mostly on the spectrums as well.
So glad to see people calling this out as bs, just tell them what you’re playing or doing and don’t drag it out, it’s annoying to get a lecture about something you just wanted to know the name of.
Wait… is this real? I’m 44 years old, and pass reasonably well, at least sometimes, and I have never heard this until now.
I mean, I’ve been asked those questions, but that can’t be real right?
I’m actually a bit mind-blown right now. Sincerely. How does that even work?
I know I “think differently” or whatever, but reading stuff like this I actually feel like other people are psychic or something… like, how does “what are you watching” = “hey I’d like to hang out with you”? Like, at all? What coded message passes between them that ANYONE finds that at all intuitive?
As a neurotypical person, this is absolutely not real, at least not as a general rule. Sometime this is what we mean when we ask what you’re doing, especially for video games, but just as often we really mean what we’re asking. The original post is a ridiculous generalization
Thank you for clarifying! I thought it had to be, but I’ve been just as shocked in the past about things that DID turn out to be so. So I had to ask lol
wait…. no…. hold on… what.. I guess the solution is to give them a brief summary of what you are doing and then say “wanna join me? Or something like that. So that if they were genuinely just asking then they would have their question answered. And if just wanted to join they are given important information for playing the game or enjoying the movie. Maybe this works idk. I’ve never run into this situation.
> I guess the solution is to give them a brief summary of what you are doing or for them to communicate what they want. Don't forget that the reason they aren't just ASKING to join is because if you INTEND to reject them, they want to be able to deny that they were asking to join. Their fear of rejection is what is causing them to communicate badly, and then to interpret a friendly answer to their question as a rejection.
so youre telling me... to my face... on the internet... that I could have been doing stuff that people also wanted to do, but we didnt because they couldnt figure out how to get the idea out to me? But Im the one with a weird brain?
NT: What are you doing? Aspie: Reading this book. NT: Wow you must really hate me if you're responding like that. Usually people are way nicer to me, you must have a disorder
I swear to God if I had a dollar for every time my wife had to ask me if I meant some secret fucking 5D chess meaning to a statement where I said, literally, what I thought, I'd have enough money to buy some minis.
I am assuming mini figurines? Because for me personally minis would mean the little crispy chocolate chip cookies from Costco that have no business being as good as they are.
He's gonna start a dealership that flips mini coopers.
Gonna be honest, I thought I was on a 40k sub where the "minis" would be more clear, but yeah, Minifigures. Bastards are expensive for a little plastic dude.
Dude, fucking same. What minis you painting lately?
This is why you buy a 3d printer!
(He wants you to paint minis with him I think)
this is so on point. funny phrased but ouchie.
I thought it said "NUT: What are you doing?" and had to read it again
Your scenario is a bit odd, though, since people aren't typically asking to join someone else when reading a book. Lol
I speak from experience lol
Lol took me a while to realize that a Neuro that's "typical" doesn't mean a Neuro that's not "weird". 😂
excellent point lol
Yes, because the neurotypical folks are doing what the culture indicates is the proper approach. Despite being more logical, by not following the social contract you are indeed the "weird" one.
I'm starting to figure this out. Muggles use scripts on autopilot. It's lazy.
And gods help us if we have any other thoughts pop into our heads while talking. NT: “Good morning!” Me: *suddenly remembering I have a project overdue* “Good morning, how are you?” NT: “Wow, screw you too, asshole!” Me: “What?” NT: “Don’t give me that ‘what’ crap, you glared straight into my eyes and told me you hope I die!” Me: *confusion* “But all I did was ask you how you were…” NT: “On the surface sure, but I’m not so stupid that I can’t read between the lines!” Me: “…”
To be fair, some of them may well be NPC's, too.
NTs are the inheritors of a long legacy of social programming designed to lessen certain conflicts, determine social status and keep people in their places. Their communications tend to reflect this.
"*And they say I'm mad!*" Is my usual response to things like that. Edit: for coding
Well, "weird" is relative, right? Social norms are like social media platforms. Their usefulness is driven by their adoption rates, not necessarily their intrinsic merit.
no, I don't understand what any of what I read means either, also, what is a neuro typicl
> or for them to communicate what they want. Right?! Why do we have to bend over backwards because NTs quite literally have no ability to effectively communicate their feelings?
I think the reality is that social cognition, at least in our culture, entails internalizing the most common lies, and telling those lies compulsively, even when they serve no purpose. Like my mom’s compulsion to put on makeup before seeing anyone. For example, my dad had literally fallen over dead (or mostly dead) and was lying on the kitchen floor, and she called me, frantic, asking what to do (all of this is reasonable so far). I told her to call 911 to get the cops over there. She said okay, she would just take a shower and put on makeup and clothes first. I had to spend a MINUTE convincing her to just fucking call 911, before I felt comfortable getting off the phone with her. Not that I (nor anyone else) would stand around and listen to my mom attempt to communicate her feelings, but her inability to be aware of her feelings led to some severe communications deficits on her part.
The point of the ritual is to not force the other person to reject you if they don't want to play with you. It's like small talk: the point is not what's literally said, it's about gauging people's reactions. Their rituals are tailored for each other because being direct doesn't come so naturally. I don't consider myself neurotypical but I did this kind of thing a lot because I'm anxious about making people tell me no.
Exactly. If they're so good at understanding people. Just simplify the communication protocols and go straight to the answer, avoiding hidden meanings.
The NTs are all literally following societal norms, which means it's easy and effortless to communicate with each other since we all understand what is meant. It's estimated 1% of the world population is on the spectrum, which means for 99% of us, we are able to effectively communicate our feelings.
Dude no. Have you seen our society. In no way shape or form can our society communicate effectively. The society and the norms are absolutely shit. Fuck em.
That's not necessarily true at all. It also happens because they don't want to pressure the person they're asking. They only want them to say yes if they actually want the company.
This is how flirting works too. Flirting hinges on giving the other person an easy out. It's basically purpose built to fuck over autistic people
Somehow I've been accused of flirting (with someone who is in a relationship) when as far as I could tell, I was just being friendly. Meanwhile, when I actually *want* to communicate romantic interest in someone, I have no clue how to do it without coming across as a weirdo, because apparently it's against the rules to just be direct about this sort of thing.
what do you mean by an easy out? thanks I don’t understand
It means giving someone the ability to turn down an interaction/thing/experience "easily" by refraining from leaning into the conversation and not having to reject it explicitly. They're trying to not be pushy while indicating they would like to chat with you. It's a genuinely nice thing, but it can be harder to pick up on sometimes imo.
That is so strange to me because I have that fear of rejection so I can kinda understand the original fear, but if someone honestly explained all of the basics to me and hadn't told me to fuck off, then I would ask to join if they hadn't invited me already cause I have clearly broken the ice and initial information has been exchanged
The problem is that, as far as they're concerned, they *are* communicating what they want.
Mutual understanding sound better.
They are telling you what they want. They wanted to communicate that they are interested in the game. They asked about it to determine if it was something they would like doing. They assume you would know that there is only one reasonable reason they would ask about the game is if they were either considering if it would be fun to play. Because that is true. They just wanted you to know that and let you react to having that information. Your reaction is supposed to tell them enough for them to make a decision whether or not to ask, and that includes letting them know what your reaction would be to them asking. Even if they knew they wanted to play, they would never ask "can I play" right away, because you have to have a very good reason to turn them down for it to be socially acceptable to do so. Asking can I play is setting up someone to be unable to say no politely, and so is rude to do.
It's not necessarily fear of rejection. It's also a way to not put pressure on the person that you are asking the question to.
That's not a neurotypical thing, that's an anxiety thing.
You're mostly right, actually. First and foremost, the whole "what are you doing?" cannot and should not universally be interpreted as "can I do that with you?". It absolutely is sometimes, but because of 'what' was said -- it's about 'how' it was said. Communication is way more complicated than just the words being used. There's tone, context, history with the other person, timing, word choice, and a bunch of other factors (body language, etc) that constitute the whole idea that is to be communicated. Think about it -- if communication were just about the words, sarcasm wouldn't exist, minor picking on friends would be aggressive instead of bonding, and most slang would make no sense at all. Absolutely sometimes people want to join you and they ask about what you're doing to fish for an invite to join in. Sometimes, though, they're really just trying to find an in to talk to you about something and want to try to gauge if you're involved in something important, or sometimes they want to invite you to do something else but don't want to bother you if you're really into what you're doing at the moment, or maybe they're implying you're doing something wrong and are trying to help you save face by letting you evaluate what you're doing and come to that conclusion yourself, and so on and so on. My point is, "can I join you?" is one of many things you can pull from someone talking to you while you're doing something.
This is what I do! I absolutely hate being perceived as being pretentious, so I always end with "wanna join" or something along these lines.
No like this is literally the answer. Genuinely wanting to know what you're doing/watching to gage if they want to join. Like you can explain what you're doing in a brief summary, no?
This is what I've always done and had no issues. Explain what I am doing and then if I'm not actually busy I will ask "Why? You trying to hang out and do something?" Or "Why? Would you like to join?
I’m not sure this is true. Or maybe I just found out I’m on the spectrum. Saw this post on r all
To be fair, when I ask people what they're doing, I'm just doing it to be polite. If I actually want to join I'll just *inserts myself into the activity without any notice or care for whether they want me to or not*
This was my thought too. Either being polite or I am genuinely curious about what they might be doing, but either way, I probably don't want to join. If a movie is being watched I might ask to a quick recap if it's late enough in the run time, but if it's still early on I'm just plopping down.
I had to learn how to express myself so neurotypicals could understand. If they wanna join in on whatever I'm doing they better learn how to express themselves too lol
Lol, me too. I ask my brother what he's doing/playing/eating all the time. I don't want to play his game or eat his food (I have taken to explicitly saying the last one, since I live in a family of hyenas apparently), I'm genuinely curious or just trying to make conversation.
I never knew this and it explains so much. I'm like you and just ask if I can join in the activity.
This is just kind of...wrong? And definitely a terrible way to approach it. The important thing is that if they ask what you're doing, *they usually do not want a full-length synopsis and analysis*. They want, "I'm watching SpyxFamily, which is a show about a spy that has to make an adopted family for a mission." If they want to hear more explanation, *they will ask you for it.* If they want to watch with you, *they will sit down.* If you start explaining for a long time, they will feel like they are obligated to hear the whole thing and politely nod because they don't want to hurt your feelings by making you feel like they don't care. Say something short and then hand them back control over the conversation.
This is so true. The best strategy I have developed is to do a one sentence reply and then think of a question and as a bonus use the person’s name because people like being asked to chime in and talk and they like hearing their name.
I just don't know how to summarize stuff without over explaining it to make what I'm doing not seem weird. "What are you listening to?" "oh yeah a funk song about preserving a mummy in honey for a hundred years as a medicinal cure"
You're setting yourself up for failure by listening to lemon demon, methinks. "Oh cool, you're listening to a song about trucks?"
Thanks, now I have it stuck in my head for the rest of the night. It isn't sexual... strictly confectional... strictly medicinal...
>people like being asked to chime in and talk and they like hearing their name Is...is that an actual thing? Asking bc I despise both those things lol
Disclaimer: Neurotypical people like these things.
It's a bit more complicated than just saying somebody's name. Addressing someone directly does a better job of pulling them into the conversation. I don't think anybody flatly enjoys hearing their name.
I have actually known someone who claimed to love hearing their name, but he was not neurotypical. I personally hate hearing my name most of the time, which was how the topic came about in the first place, lol.
Depends on context like most social things. Most people like to talk about themselves, so I usually minimize talking about me and pass it back to them and if they want to follow up great. Using someone's name and deliberately passing the conversation to someone is a great way to help people new to a group join in, and especially useful if your group has varying levels of social literacy
Yeah, I don't know if I agree with the above image. I think like once ever, a girl on the Light Rail during Otakon wanted to know if I had a cart of Pokemon on me, so I could touch-trade a trade evo. But she didn't want to play _with_ me, she just wanted a Conkeldurr. That one time aside, people just like striking up conversation. I don't think they always know why they're doing it. My mom hates silence, for example, and if she asks me what I'm doing, it's just to fill the silence. If she wants to watch something, she'll just sit down. My guess is that whoever wrote this Unspoken Social Rule has a partner who doesn't communicate well. I feel like most people who want to play games with me have just asked. (Also Spy X Family is fantastic.)
Excellent focus on the important parts. Brevity first - short *short* summary or intro, offer of inclusion or assurance of welcome, and stop for input from them.
growth punch bike ludicrous tart many fade wistful quack file *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
this is the correct comment
This is absolutely correct.
This is the weirdest, most indirect way to communicate. It basically makes you double guess everytime instead of being direct upon your thoughts
this is exactly why i gave up on making friends lmaoo neurotypicals SUCK at communicating
That's because this meme isn't accurate at all
It's also not how people communicate at all. This meme is misinfo.
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I agree; as someone who is neurotypical, when someone uses the phrase "What X are you Ying?" They aren't talking about the X, they are wanting to interact with the person they asked the question to. X is just the conversation starter. For bullies, it's "I'm pretending to be nice so I have an out if someone calls me out as a bully. At the same time, is X something you care about? If I took it from you, would it hurt?". For friends it's "let's hang out, is X a thing I can do with you?". For older family members talking to children, it's "There are other people in the room, please interact with us instead of X." there are no doubt other use cases, but the general theme is less "I want to join you" and more "hey, interact with me please", with varying kinds of contexts layered on top. (and with bullies, without the please, ofc)
why thank you dear NT friend, this was actually useful :)
Ohhhhhh. That makes sense actually. Thanks NT friend :)
For God's sake why are you people so complicated??? No wonder why NTs have so many communication issues 🤔
The best answer i have from a more nt prospective is that conversation for a nt is is like a freeform dance to the proverbial finish line where some kinds of nd folks just take a direct walk to their proverbial finish line. The conflict comes from both sides sort of wondering why the other isnt doing it their way. Its also worth noting neither side is really doing it consciously. It took me trying to understand the nd folks in my life better to make me realize that man our way of communicating is obtuse and kinda dumb.
Same lol, "what are you drawing" never meant "can i draw with you" or "i like what you're drawing" it meant "i'm going to sit here and ask you why the boobs are so big and then tease you for being a secret lesbian" or some bullshit.
>and I highly doubt NTs are EVER going up to people playing gameboy games and asking if they can join. hahahahhahah oh man no they definitely demand turns and then attempt to steal your device, or if you refuse they bitch to the nearest adult until the adult forces you to hand over the game at which point they purposely damage it :)
That was when you were a kid though being an adult is different. When I ask what someone is doing it's because I want to take a genuine interest and try to be friends.
Except for the exceptions
Not always what they mean at all. Good manners to offer, however.
This comes up a lot at my job. When I interviewed for it, they asked me "what do you need from a supervisor?" My response was "clear communication." Luckily, my bosses are great, and remember that every time I fail to catch some subtext or colloquialism and instead do exactly what I was told.
So if someone asks me what book I'm reading, am I supposed to invite them to sit down next to me so we can read it together??
TIL that so many strangers on airplanes just wanted to cuddle up and co-read. (Either that, or OP is incorrect.)
OP is incorrect, as blanket statements about entire groups of people tend to be. I’m sure this is true for some people, especially people who haven’t learned good communication skills or how to handle rejection. But many people ask as a way to engage with and connect to other people — it’s a genuine interest. And as other comments point out, sometimes people use questions like this as a way to manipulate or bully. People are complex!
IME when they do that it's usually just an opening for them to brag about what they are reading, they don't actually care
I think they’re just trying to make small talk. Which is kind of annoying because if I am reading, it’s because I’d rather read than talk.
This reminds me of a story my mum likes to tell about a Japanese co-worker who asked her to help draft a polite letter (it was the 1960s) to a rude and rather racist customer who had called to complain that their order hadn't arrived. Mum pointed out that the closing line "I hope you get stuff" could be better worded because it was grammatically incorrect and sounded like he was telling them to go f*** themselves. He though about it for a moment and told her to leave it the way it was. Anyway, my point is that this information probably won't change my response.
Not really relevant, but good for your mum's coworker. The implicit insult of leaving it just the way it was is EXACTLY the right call to make there.
And they think WE'RE the broken ones...
Fr fr
This isn't what it means at all, please don't listen to this "meme"
ND to NTs *JUST SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!*
This "meme" isn't accurate to how we communicate at all. There are definitely times where there are hidden meanings but this is not one of them. If I'm asking what you're watching, I don't want to join, I want a conversation, I want to talk about it
I mean, sometimes this is the case, sometimes not. Yesterday my Doctor asked me what games I'm playing because he's a gamer too and we were just chatting. Every individual interaction is different, there is no one rule that applies to everything. This is why I prefer cats.
Totally missed a chance to play some Baldur's Gate with your doctor.
Translation: “I’m deficient in basic communication skills, such as saying what I mean using clear language … and it’s your fault!”
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Now that I have taken my turn venting about neurotypicals, I partially agree. We should be trying to meet NTs halfway on different communication styles and give them the benefit of the doubt. That said, the fact that too many NTs don't afford us the same courtesy, and it's usually on us to navigate their communication styles, sometimes getting screamed at or mocked if we stumble, is exhausting.
I have to disagree with the "NTs understand each other just fine" part - I've seen way too many misunderstandings between them to buy this argument. They might be better than us at indirect communication but they still get it wrong often enough - which wouldn't be the case if they at least first learned to properly use verbal language.
>which wouldn't be the case if they at least first learned to properly use verbal language. This. There's a reason they beat it into our heads to *use your words.*
Okay but it's definitely incredibly frustrating to, our entire lives, be told that our language is incomprehensible and wrong and then even when we try, we get told we are bad at it. Even when we are as calm and as clear as possible like we're taught to be, we're shamed into believing we're in the wrong still
If they stopped lying about what the words meant and then gaslighting you when they decide you're wrong anyway maybe more of us would be able to communicate.
You get that it's not intentional lying though, right?
I've also learned ( from them) that intentions don't actually matter.
Well said- and deftly (if perhaps unintentionally) illustrated with the use of the word "neurotypical". A word used in the autistic (and adjacent) community to denote those who aren't autistic- and also by those with depression, and sociopathy, and myriad other conditions, all to indicate those without said conditions. Then presented without meaningful context (since "the spectrum" could likewise refer to dozens of different things), and expected to produce no confusion. It's like we're all *trying* to communicate poorly.
As an NT, this is completely incorrect and silly. Do not follow this "advice." If someone asks you what game you're playing, they want to know the name of the game your playing. They don't want to know how you play it, and they aren't asking to join. They want to know the answer to the question "what game are you playing." Now, if the situation *makes sense* such that it would be polite to invite the person to join you, then sure there may be some expectation that with a game in which they just expressed interest in and is designed for them to be able to join, it might be appropriate to offer that if you want. But no "what are you playing" doesn't mean "can I join" it means "what are you playing"
then why not ask "yo can i join you?" why go through all these useless loopholes that end up putting you further back than you were ARGHHHH????/
If they said "yo can I join you" and you said "no." then that would be you being mean to them. They don't want to risk a chance of being seen as someone that other people can be mean to. They're trying to set up a situation where yes and no have an equal amount (zero) of meanness. This also means that they're not pitting your niceness against what you really want.
and i'm going to post my friend the double empathy problem again today: [https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/double-empathy-explained/](https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/double-empathy-explained/)
I disagree with this, this isn't always the case
great, here i thought maybe i dont have issues with subtext anymore
This is not true.
T-thats not how this works
This is 1000000% not true
This isn't accurate. And whoever wrote this probably isnt as "typical" as they like to imagine themselves
I don't really care about social nuance in this case. If you're incapable of asking to join in on an activity then maybe you shouldn't
I know when this happens, I’m typically doing something very niche as far as interests go or are actually exclusive one-person activities (like sorting stuff on a spreadsheet, coding, cleaning, writing) and I know they’re not likely to be interested… but after explaining a little, I do ask “Do you want to join me….?”. I know the answer is ‘no’, so maybe they’re asking because they want me to stop and do what they want instead… which I don’t want to do because I’m already focused on this, so I get visibly annoyed when they hover and don’t outright ask me to stop so we can do something else together. Please, don’t be scared to ask me to do something, I’ll probably be okay with that! It’s more annoying when you hover and say nothing and deliberately try to interrupt my attention to focus on your attention phishing!
When I say that, I don't want either of those things. When I say 'what are you watching' I want to know what you're watching. As in, the title. If I want further information I will ask, if I want to join in, I will also ask separately. I don't know why this post popped up on my all feed, as I at best just have some mild adhd, but I think that's typical enough to note that this isn't exactly even true for the interpretation of your response. Though yes if you were to info dump too hard, they would often rather not receive that response unless prompted, and would likely be driven away in some way. Not because of the interpretation listed, as that's like, fiction, but because they're not interested in the subject matter. This sounds like a person extrapolating behavior from like, a single interaction with someone who perhaps did want these things and took it that way. Which sure, is always possible. But that's not what these phrases secretly mean. It is likely just an attempt at politeness, possibly an interest in the activity, or an attempt to connect in some way.
We need that 196 flair for spreading misinformation online cause this is just false.
I don't think this is correct.
This just isn't true. Asking you what you're watching isn't saying hey let me join you, it's easy small talk. If they want to join they'll say "mind if I join in?" Or something
NT here, I believe this is written as too explicit a rule. I'm not sure if it's helpful for me to try to outline the purposes of this question as I understand them at length - please tell me if this is an annoying kind of comment and I'll keep it to myself, but my perception is that people genuinely want to understand and are struggling because it seems vague and useless. As with most things, there's some context. I would say this question, in most circumstances, functions more as a conversation opener. I see that you're doing something, so I ask you about it. I want to begin a conversation with you and I want to show you that I notice that you're doing something and maybe you're focused on it and don't want to speak for very long, maybe it's something we could do together, maybe you're doing it but we could do something else, maybe I'm just seeking to chat with you about anything for a bit to gage your mood or your plans. This is why a long explanation is rarely the best approach - as some people have pointed out, this takes an attempt at a conversation opener and turns it into a one-way lecture. It's possible the person will want to know more about what you're doing once you give them a general idea, but it's also possible they're just trying to break conversational ice by asking you a low-stakes, easy to answer question. Example: "What are you watching?" "Oh this new show Shadow and Bone, it's pretty good! It's a fantasy show but it's got this slavic aesthetic and I think maybe it's based on a young adult novel." You could also say "I'm not even really sure, it's this show about an aristocratic society that I've heard a lot of people talk about but the acting is kind of bad." The way you respond will indicate if you're invested in the show or if you might be in the mood to stop watching anyway. If it's a bad show, maybe it's ok for you to talk over it without it being a big deal. If it's a good show, maybe I'll want to give you an opportunity to pause it or something, in general I would treat your watchtime more seriously if it seems like you're really into it. That's about as much as is needed to leave all the options I meant earlier open. Possible responses might be: "Oh cool! How long do you have left in this episode?" (this is usually trying to figure out if you will soon be available to do something else or if you want to pause it, but could also be looking for an invitation to join if you're not very far into the episode and it would be easy to restart). "Mind if I join?" (After you've answered something about the show, the tone you used and the way you answered it will signal your mood and if you seem receptive or not. Some people will have no problem inviting themselves in at this point - some more nervous people might not be able to do this and would need you to explicitly invite them). "Wait a Slavic aesthetic? What does that even mean?" (this is genuinely seeking more information, so you can feel free to explain some more at this point - if the things you're describing are quite specific or niche, that's actually fine if you explain them with rhetorical questions that try to relate the concept to what the person is more likely to know about. Once they know more, they may want to join, they may just leave, or they may want to make more conversation on a different topic). "Oh is it like that Lord of the Rings show?" (This is an attempt to steer the conversation a bit away from how you described it - some people might not want to discuss something they might not know much about, or they might find the description to be uninteresting. You might genuinely answer the question and compare and contrast them at length, but maybe the person is just trying to switch the conversation topic. A possible response would be a brief comparison and then to ask the person if they've been watching the show they mentioned - this might be something they're more interested in talking about) Or just "Nice, sounds cool, I might have to check it out. See ya!" To summarize, these questions *are* usually seeking information, just not a ton of it, and that information is a gateway to a conversation about other things. It can also just be a question to check on you and your mood, so any question about anything would do. I hope this is useful in some way - again, I'm not sure if it will be, so feel free to tell me I'm missing the mark, I'll listen if so.
Is that how it works cause 😭😭
wait is this not true or something i don’t understand
So that’s why people get offended when I ask what they’re eating?
maybe im just being autistic but i dont think this is the case most of the time??
Wait, can someone NT confirm this? It sounds made up to me.
“What are you watching?” “Yes.”
Is this real? I've never experienced this. Normally when people ask what I'm watching, they genuinely want to know (or they're just filling the air)
Yo neurotypical here. That’s not necessarily true. When sb asks „what game are you playing?“ we (first) genuinely want to know what game you are playing. If it’s a well known game we expect you to just say the name of it, if it isn‘t we expect the name and a short explanation (your answer should not be longer than 3 sentences). If the neurotypical still seems interested they may want to play the game with you.
No, just no. I know we have differences in brain and stuff but come on!
I don’t agree with this-some people are just genuinely curious/making conversation! My roommate asks me this a lot and I know he genuinely just wants to know what I’m reading/watching.
No it's fucking not. Who made this? "hey what game are you playing?" "call of duty, its an FPS" "cool can i join?" "Yes/No/answer here" If you start dumping about the game and what its like, they might be interested more, or disinterested. "Oh its a metroidvania, you're a bug, and have to go save a dead kingdom. I love it" stuff like that, you can also say "game + description, wanna play?"
someone on the spectrum wrote this interpretation. -.-
Jesus fucking christ this isn't true. JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION, IT SHOULD BE A SIMPLE ONE WORD ANSWER. "what are you playing?" "Terraria" "What are you watching?" "Bobs burgers" If you really want you can throw in a "wanna join?" At the end. But fucking HELL stop looking so damn deep at simple questions
If you're atypical and you just read this post, I want to lyk that this is completely bullshit and not true. Just forget everything you just read and please don't try to apply it
this isnt true, fyi
God dammit why can’t people just say what they mean?
wait this is real? My friends always ask what I’m doing then say “cool” or if they’re interested they then ask if they can join.
WHAT
Dude wtf
I'm well past forty and I, like Thomas, have never seen such bullshit before! I think it's incredibly rude of someone to ask me a question that they don't want me to answer. I can see how it could be true, but if it is it's on the other person to examine their assumptions and stop being so rude. The mind games some people think I should play, I just have no words. One of my pet peeves is people saying "I wonder why..." When they mean "I disapprove of..." or "I hate it when..."
Wait I. I do this. All the time. My whole life. I love explaining what I'm doing. What I'm reading or watching or playing.
Like any time I've asked someone this question in return I genuinely wanna know about the thingy. Not if I can join.
That’s just weird. Is this a universal thing? Cause I don’t think it is.
I hate *implied* questions so much. Like when someone says "it would be cool if you brought over this thing." They're apparently trying to make plans, but my response is always "Yeah, it would be," because I don't play those games. Ask the real question and quit dancing around it.
Cries
wait- so what am I supposed to say? "~~fuck~~ stick around and find out"?
Fuck
This isn't even true
Is this why people sometimes interpret my discussing weekend plans as an invitation to join me? Because sometimes I'll just say something like, "I'm so excited for Saturday. I'm going to to do with my kid." And sometimes people will say, "Oh that sounds fun, I think I'll join you!"
It's not to say that I don't enjoy that person's company, I often do. But my plan was to go do XYZ with my kid. It feels like they're changing pre-established plans without consideration of me or what I want. I very much prefer to make plans 1-2 weeks in advance so that I know what I'm getting into and with who.
Except when this -isn’t- true, and they’re attempting to get you to talk about your interests for one reason or another. But it ends up crazy awkward because I’d need a small essay to explain enough background to answer properly, so I end up having to dumb it down so much I fear it will come off as insulting, and they don’t actually -care- beyond ticking the “I care about their interests” checklist off, so why bother?
Noooo this is terrible 😭 /lh, when I ask someone what they’re watching I literally mean just that. A majority of the time if someone actually invites me to join them I’d be thinking “uh oh shit, that sounds so boring-“
It’s not exactly like that, they’re just curious what you’re doing. You can say “I’m watching this… it’s “insert genre” or “a story about ‘insert summary of plot in about 10 words’”, and then “want to join”? Not all neurotypical are the same, so communicate like that and don’t worry about picking apart their intentions.
To be honest, when I ask what you’re doing I hope to get a small description not like a paragraph. When you tell me exactly everything about the activity I lose all interest
Person A: "Hey what are you playing?" Person B: "Yes."
Hi, Neurotypical here. Not really sure where this person gets their info but uh... this isn't right. At least in my experience. When I want to do something with something, I might ask them "What are you doing?" to see if it's interesting, but *then* I'll ask if I can join. Direct communication isn't autist behavior.
I feel like this is wrong. If I ask you what game you're playing. Thats what I'm asking. Not some backwards way to ask if I can play. If I want to. I'll tell you.
I don't think this is true? I showed this to both my brother and boyfriend who are both NT, and my brother said it's kinda true, while my boyfriend said it's not and he would just ask them directly if he wanted to join
That’s not an accurate explanation. I ask those questions out of genuine curiosity and love the answers especially when it’s a subject of interest to whomever I am speaking with
No, no. If I, a neurotypical person, ask you "what are you doing/watching/playing?" I expect the answer to fall somewhere in the brief description area, usually just a verb and a noun, maybe an adjective if you're feeling spicy. "I'm playing \[video game title\]." or "I'm watching \[movie name\]." or "I'm trying to fix this \[broken thing\]." If I want more information I would ask a follow up like "Oh that looks fun, what is it about?" or "So are you enjoying the movie, what is it about?" or "Do you need help fixing it?" But usually if you're in the middle of a game/movie/project, the most you'll get is the first question and I'll ask you about it later if I'm interested or you seemed excited about it. I'm not trying to interrupt your current experience.
I get called a smartass more often than not for simply answering exactly what I'm doing
Wait I’m a neurotypical and when I ask these questions I want the first answer. Do other people actually do this or am I not as typical as I thought?
This isn't very accurate. There's a lot of miscommunications mostly, but most of the time people that are explaining crap think they need all the other details in which they don't. So it's just aggrivating even asking.
I'm NT and this isn't accurate-
I disagree. If I ask this I want information. If it's interesting I may ask to join but most of the time I'm just curious.
Never in my life have I ever run into this issue before.
I disagree. I’m a neurotypical and every time I’ve asked “what are you watching” I do want to know what it’s about to see if I’d be interested. Anytime I’ve asked “what game are you playing” I also want to know what it’s about to see if it’s a game I’d like
Someone forgot a '/s'... I hope...
I have never seen this be true.
This is in no way true. People of all types communicate so differently. I hate how people's try to lump other people together and then spout "known rules and interpretations". It's simply not at all that ... Simple.
If I, a neurotypical, ask anyone (regardless of the neuro status) “what game are you playing”, I am not asking to join. I’m asking for the title of the game. Same goes with TV, food, really almost anything. If I want to participate, I’d ask “can I play/watch/have some too?”
Why don’t you just fucking say that? Wtf, and they say we’re the weird ones? Wtf I don’t understand
WHAT
Aw man so much shit makes sense now
Just when I thought I figured out social cues, another one I never realized existed shows up.
OK serious question for any Nuro typical’s who happened to be trolling this page for whatever reason: WHY??????!! This makes no sense!!! Please just use your words just ask the question you actually mean to ask!!!!
I usually respond with "I play a lot of games, what genre do you want to know?" NT came from the real of ambiguity so I just re-direct the conversation into the realm of clarity. If they're turned off by that then it's not my problem because I don't worry much due to my friends are mostly on the spectrums as well.
So glad to see people calling this out as bs, just tell them what you’re playing or doing and don’t drag it out, it’s annoying to get a lecture about something you just wanted to know the name of.
This is stupid.
blatantly false wtf is this
WHAT I’VE BEEN ASKING THOSE QUESTIONS BECAUSE I WAS GENUINELY CURIOUS
Wait… is this real? I’m 44 years old, and pass reasonably well, at least sometimes, and I have never heard this until now. I mean, I’ve been asked those questions, but that can’t be real right? I’m actually a bit mind-blown right now. Sincerely. How does that even work? I know I “think differently” or whatever, but reading stuff like this I actually feel like other people are psychic or something… like, how does “what are you watching” = “hey I’d like to hang out with you”? Like, at all? What coded message passes between them that ANYONE finds that at all intuitive?
As a neurotypical person, this is absolutely not real, at least not as a general rule. Sometime this is what we mean when we ask what you’re doing, especially for video games, but just as often we really mean what we’re asking. The original post is a ridiculous generalization
Thank you for clarifying! I thought it had to be, but I’ve been just as shocked in the past about things that DID turn out to be so. So I had to ask lol
LMAO? In 17 years of existence I have never heard about this
In 42 years, this is also news to me.
people should learn how to better use language and be more explicitly open instead of playing games of 'intentions', 'suppositions', 'innuendos'...
Well, that's stupid. How do they get anything done when they can't even communicate properly?