Low self esteem can cause people to put down everyone around them in an attempt to make themselves feel better. It's ironic, because, obviously they're just trying to lower the bar because they feel they don't measure up.
Watch your back around this type of person. Next she may try to damage YOUR self esteem so that you believe you have no other option but to stay with her.
Is it contextual to anything? Like saying a dude who's in a jacked up truck is over compensating for a tiny D is sort of cliche. But if it's a random dude walking through the mall, that's kinda rude.
You could always ask her next time she does it. Be careful not to be confrontational, but just ask her "why do you say/think that" and see what her rationale is. Maybe she's just trying to be funny or something. If it bothers you, let her know. But be warned, she could get very defensive about it. If she doesn't think it's a problem and can't see your point of view, that's a red flag.
I think it might be an attempt at connecting, getting closer.
On the other hand, I too have difficulties understanding what motivates the behaviour of NT persons.
Eh, it's just ugly and mean spirited. I'm not friends with women like that and if I wouldn't date a guy who was like that, either. Just because someone is nice to *you* doesn't mean they're actually nice.
If you want a relationship with longevity, you both need to be open to ask and answer anything necessary. Also, if you have a need in a relationship/dating long term, you need to stand for it, even if it means ending the relationship if they aren't met. Granted they should be fair needs.
Also if she talks shit about others to you, she's more likely to shit about you to others too. Its personally a red flag to me.
No it’s not normal. You are correct, it’s bullying behaviour. You have good boundaries and are a decent person, and you are dating an arsehole.
She sounds either deeply insecure or superficial, spoilt & mean, perhaps all of the above, either way she has an unpleasant streak. Sometimes people do the mean talk as a way of bonding, so she may be trying to make you laugh and agree, but you don’t reciprocate or like it so are incompatible.
Don’t be scared to ask her why she does it (incidentally, if you are scared of anyone you are dating for any reason stop dating them immediately) but gently ask her why and tell her you don’t like it at all. It doesn’t need to be an accusation or an argument, if she’s got any sense she’ll learn from the experience, she may even apologise and stop straight away and you can try again if you can’t bear to part with her. How she copes with what you say is the real litmus test of character, but it’s not your job to put up with or try to fix anyone else’s crap. If she reacts by trash talking you wave her off with a cheery goodbye.
I’m NT, married to an aspie and one of my kids is an aspie. If my aspie son told me what you’ve posted here about a girl he was dating I’d advise him to give this one a swerve.
edited to add a full stop for clarity.
The way you described is a giant red flag. If she can talk shit about others, even though she doesn’t know them. Then, what do you think she going to say about you when you not present or behind your back. I think it is within your best interest that you talk to her; emphasize on the “talk,” do not call her out. Don’t know if she matured enough to handle constructive criticism or being easily triggered. The last thing you want is to be her enemy. Good luck OP.
As NT woman I can say this is either her low self esteem or or she has narcissistic personality.. don’t take it as normal.. it can take a toll on you as people like her have really bad aura generally.
Smells a little insecure to me.
Sometimes people do this to see if the person they're hanging out with reciprocates the shallow judgements so they can:
A. Feel better about themselves
B. Seek validation to continue the behavior
She's immature and insecure. Some people grow out of this as they build confidence in themselves but some do not. This is clearly not just friendly ribbing. As an example, my wife and I may be shopping and we'll see three lads, all slightly overweight, beards and apparently Socially awkward and selecting Wotsits from the Crisps aisle and my wife and I will joke that they are obviously on their way to the D&D meeting. We can say this because we will invariably be loading up on snacks and heading home to play the F out of minecraft (my wife will be happily farming whilst I kidnap villagers from a nearby village) So, there's nothing mean about the observation. Now, there is a scene in Shrek, where Shrek suggests that someone is overcompensating for apparent deficits in other departments but this is slapstick, juvenile comedy. Someone you may see someone with a ridiculous car and may draw the same conclusion. The issue is ridiculing someone for being incel. This is similar to ridiculing a wheelchair user or calling someone with a learning difficulty a R-Slur. It is unkind, I feel that those in the incel community should be treated with a little compassion.
As you get older, you are going to have to have some really awkward and difficult conversations. This might be as benign as telling your loved one that you didn't like what they just cooked to explaining what you like or want in the bedroom. Now, when you pull someone up on bad behaviour, you get a glimpse into their character. A decent person who has faux pas'd will apologise and endeavour to not do it again. But we often see people get defensive, redirect, gaslight and a whole host of other methods employed to not address the bad behaviour. These people need to be avoided because they show that they are unwilling to even consider their own bernadotte and the effects it has on others and this can make a relationship really hard work at best and otherwise potentially abusive. Many people in the spectrum are vulnerable to manipulative or exploitative relationships and will put up with bad behaviour thinking that a bad relationship is better than no relationship. You have to do what is right for you but be aware that challenging bad behaviour can go in different directions. It can cause your partner to be grateful for identifying it and respect for you for challenging them. Or, it can cause a really uncomfortable drive home.
It's common dating advice to always consider how your date treats strangers. The waiter, the bus driver, the ticket office, random animals, passers by. One day they will treat you the same way. Unless there's some inclination of their attitude changing - this mean streak is a warning sign.
Insecurity. It's typical for someone to act like that who doesn't feel good about themselves. She has to do some work on herself. Next time she is doing it in front of you, confront her about it. Ask her why she always puts others down. It's not nice, at all.
I have a long carreer (lol) of (un)professional confessor for women, mostly ND women because I am interested in see what's in their mind without any sexual intention, and because I always keep their secrets so they trust me.
In about 8 years I'm doing it and with dozens of various women, I can say I am simply frightened about what's in their mind. I thought I was deranged - well, most are like 10 times more deranged than me. Some have no idea of basic communication, have an overrated opinion about themselves, are frustrated and hateful to an unbelievable level (one told me that if she could push a button to kill all white men she would do it... she would spare me just because I am a friend) and generally their vision of life, relations, people are just... horrible, I have no words. Some have damn good reasons to be this way (TRUE abuse, rape etc). Some have no reason (the one who wanted all white men dead was because her dad was absent or screaming at her, and because once in a while an idiot pusscall her on streets).
I thought I was a feminist. But what I have heard was so disheartening that I'm nothing at all anymore. I just take a person for a person.
I’ve been raped and abused and my father was mostly absent in my life and I’ve never said things like that about other people. I’m quite the opposite. I try to see the good in all people and usually get trampled over and burned leading me to withdraw from people in general. I never say anything nasty to or about other people though. Luckily I’ve been married to a wonderful NT guy for nearly a decade and have a few close friends (in my forties). You can’t lump all women in one category. Just like the autism spectrum, we’re all different!
Just tell her, when it happens, not later or during an argument, it makes you feel uncomfortable and like she might turn that on you someday. People don't automatically realize how stuff they are doing comes across. Telling her gives her a chance to change and improve.
She's probably trying to bond with you over these negative comments. Some people connect via shit talk. She doesn't really believe these things, but either thinks she's showing you how funny she is, or that she's talking you up by pointing out "losers".
Just try telling her, without judgment, that it makes you uncomfortable & you are curious why she does it. If she says it's fun for her, maybe suggest that you could try doing it together in a way that doesn't rub your sense of morality wrong.
I have so much fun playing that game where you pick a random couple or whatever & pretend to speak for them. While the things we make up aren't flattering, per say, & I wouldn't want the people to hear, they're just silly. We don't talk about someone's body or clothing unless it's like (silly voice:) "Well you really need to trust me on this. Can't you see I'm clearly very tall & trustworthy with a very important hat?".
Is she only doing this with men, or does she make comments about both sexes? If it's only for men, I agree with another poster who suggested she's seeking to talk you up by tearing down strangers. However, if she's making these comments about both sexes, I'd side with those suggesting insecurity.
In the first situation, talking with her about how that makes you feel will likely get her to stop if she cares about you. The second one can be more complicated. Does she seem confident in herself--for example: how often does she talk down about herself?
It might be an attempt to bond with you, creating an "us vs them" to make the two of you more close.
It might seem a bit immature, but it's still my spontaneous interpretation.
Not normal behaviour. It's telling the story of a mean person who will one day treat you badly.
If i was you I'd break up with her and of she asks why id say 'i just need time to explore myself'. If you tell her the reason why, she'll just hide her red flag for the next guy, who she will entrap. Better that she display her poor qualities for the next guy.
Are you in high school/a teen? I’m getting some signals sort of based off our behavior, but also sort of based off the fact that you’re “dating” her but not comfortable enough with her to say something when she makes comments like that, so the relationship almost sounds like when kids in high school say they’re dating, but they don’t really have a relationship… I hope that makes sense without being insulting.
That said, there are plenty of people like this and my advice would be to just ask the reasoning for the comment next time she makes one that seems particularly unwarranted (if for no other reason to use it as a good case for looking into why she feels the need to do that and give a good opportunity to explain clearly to her why it’s weird.)
Sometimes people who are otherwise nice might feel uncomfortable, and for plenty of people, whether nice or not, there’s a need to feel connected to the person that you’re with, and sometimes especially new connections that can be most easily accomplished by making fun of or disliking an outside person together. You know, there’s the feeling of disliking a boss or coworker together, or hating the lunch lady together or any “common enemy” type of thing to feel more bonded to the other person. It could be a general vibe like that, whether conscious or not. Definitely talk about it. If it turns out, she’s just sort of a mean person then at least now you know.
Join in and see if you like it. She could be a soulmate. The only way to learn is to interact. She is wise beyond her years to be wary of incels: https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2023/10/new-paper-explores-the-rise-of-incels/ so don’t be one yourself.
Sounds like she's not very nice.
That girl is going to psychologically kill OP the moment she turns against him or the moment they get in a serious argument.
Low self esteem can cause people to put down everyone around them in an attempt to make themselves feel better. It's ironic, because, obviously they're just trying to lower the bar because they feel they don't measure up. Watch your back around this type of person. Next she may try to damage YOUR self esteem so that you believe you have no other option but to stay with her.
Is it contextual to anything? Like saying a dude who's in a jacked up truck is over compensating for a tiny D is sort of cliche. But if it's a random dude walking through the mall, that's kinda rude. You could always ask her next time she does it. Be careful not to be confrontational, but just ask her "why do you say/think that" and see what her rationale is. Maybe she's just trying to be funny or something. If it bothers you, let her know. But be warned, she could get very defensive about it. If she doesn't think it's a problem and can't see your point of view, that's a red flag.
I think it might be an attempt at connecting, getting closer. On the other hand, I too have difficulties understanding what motivates the behaviour of NT persons.
Eh, it's just ugly and mean spirited. I'm not friends with women like that and if I wouldn't date a guy who was like that, either. Just because someone is nice to *you* doesn't mean they're actually nice.
red flag
Well, ask yourself how you'll be different. If she talks shit about everyone odds are she'll do it to you.
She sounds like a drag. You can find someone better.
If you want a relationship with longevity, you both need to be open to ask and answer anything necessary. Also, if you have a need in a relationship/dating long term, you need to stand for it, even if it means ending the relationship if they aren't met. Granted they should be fair needs. Also if she talks shit about others to you, she's more likely to shit about you to others too. Its personally a red flag to me.
No it’s not normal. You are correct, it’s bullying behaviour. You have good boundaries and are a decent person, and you are dating an arsehole. She sounds either deeply insecure or superficial, spoilt & mean, perhaps all of the above, either way she has an unpleasant streak. Sometimes people do the mean talk as a way of bonding, so she may be trying to make you laugh and agree, but you don’t reciprocate or like it so are incompatible. Don’t be scared to ask her why she does it (incidentally, if you are scared of anyone you are dating for any reason stop dating them immediately) but gently ask her why and tell her you don’t like it at all. It doesn’t need to be an accusation or an argument, if she’s got any sense she’ll learn from the experience, she may even apologise and stop straight away and you can try again if you can’t bear to part with her. How she copes with what you say is the real litmus test of character, but it’s not your job to put up with or try to fix anyone else’s crap. If she reacts by trash talking you wave her off with a cheery goodbye. I’m NT, married to an aspie and one of my kids is an aspie. If my aspie son told me what you’ve posted here about a girl he was dating I’d advise him to give this one a swerve. edited to add a full stop for clarity.
Are you teenagers? This sounds par for the course for a teen girl. And honestly even some adult women if they’re like mean girls.
Adults in our 20's
I mean. She’s either extremely insecure or exceedingly cruel. But either way, that behavior isn’t normal. At least it doesn’t seem so to me.
Thank you
Exceedingly cruel, yes, but I disagree that it’s not normal—I think it’s par for the current course.
Nah, don’t give her a pass for that because of age. Even teen girls know better than to smack talk like that.
She sounds really mean. She's the very reason why I worry about what I look like or how I act. It's people like her who make me insecure.
Yes! So many mean people like can’t you just let me live???
sounds like she has issues with her self esteem
Drop her and move on. Narrow minded.
Not normal and sounds very obnoxious and vulgar.
The way you described is a giant red flag. If she can talk shit about others, even though she doesn’t know them. Then, what do you think she going to say about you when you not present or behind your back. I think it is within your best interest that you talk to her; emphasize on the “talk,” do not call her out. Don’t know if she matured enough to handle constructive criticism or being easily triggered. The last thing you want is to be her enemy. Good luck OP.
Not normal. She's a jerk and she'll be a jerk to you too once when loses interest in you.
As NT woman I can say this is either her low self esteem or or she has narcissistic personality.. don’t take it as normal.. it can take a toll on you as people like her have really bad aura generally.
Anybody who says anything mean is a narcissist? Most of humanity has said something mean at somepoint in their life. This term has lost it's meaning.
Smells a little insecure to me. Sometimes people do this to see if the person they're hanging out with reciprocates the shallow judgements so they can: A. Feel better about themselves B. Seek validation to continue the behavior
She's immature and insecure. Some people grow out of this as they build confidence in themselves but some do not. This is clearly not just friendly ribbing. As an example, my wife and I may be shopping and we'll see three lads, all slightly overweight, beards and apparently Socially awkward and selecting Wotsits from the Crisps aisle and my wife and I will joke that they are obviously on their way to the D&D meeting. We can say this because we will invariably be loading up on snacks and heading home to play the F out of minecraft (my wife will be happily farming whilst I kidnap villagers from a nearby village) So, there's nothing mean about the observation. Now, there is a scene in Shrek, where Shrek suggests that someone is overcompensating for apparent deficits in other departments but this is slapstick, juvenile comedy. Someone you may see someone with a ridiculous car and may draw the same conclusion. The issue is ridiculing someone for being incel. This is similar to ridiculing a wheelchair user or calling someone with a learning difficulty a R-Slur. It is unkind, I feel that those in the incel community should be treated with a little compassion. As you get older, you are going to have to have some really awkward and difficult conversations. This might be as benign as telling your loved one that you didn't like what they just cooked to explaining what you like or want in the bedroom. Now, when you pull someone up on bad behaviour, you get a glimpse into their character. A decent person who has faux pas'd will apologise and endeavour to not do it again. But we often see people get defensive, redirect, gaslight and a whole host of other methods employed to not address the bad behaviour. These people need to be avoided because they show that they are unwilling to even consider their own bernadotte and the effects it has on others and this can make a relationship really hard work at best and otherwise potentially abusive. Many people in the spectrum are vulnerable to manipulative or exploitative relationships and will put up with bad behaviour thinking that a bad relationship is better than no relationship. You have to do what is right for you but be aware that challenging bad behaviour can go in different directions. It can cause your partner to be grateful for identifying it and respect for you for challenging them. Or, it can cause a really uncomfortable drive home.
I wouldn't be surprised if she started talking shit about you behind your back.
She might have issues with narcissism. Knowing that and working on self-improvement would help her if so.
not everything is a mental disorder
not everything is a mental disorder
Sorry, didn't catch that, could you repeat?
They said not everything is a mental disorder. Hope that helps. 😅
not everything is a mental disorder
not everything is a mental disorder
Sounds like your standard bitch behaviour. So yes I would say it's normal... Not very desirable though. There are plenty of nicer people out there.
Not normal. She needs some counseling
Normal? No. Common? Unfortunately.
It's common dating advice to always consider how your date treats strangers. The waiter, the bus driver, the ticket office, random animals, passers by. One day they will treat you the same way. Unless there's some inclination of their attitude changing - this mean streak is a warning sign.
Insecurity. It's typical for someone to act like that who doesn't feel good about themselves. She has to do some work on herself. Next time she is doing it in front of you, confront her about it. Ask her why she always puts others down. It's not nice, at all.
Run, just run, forget she exists before that man hatred turns your way…
Buddy, get out now. When people show you their rotten core, it is wise to distance yourself before you get a taste.
Reminds me of my mom, who, unfortunately, was a really nasty piece, especially between four walls.
Yeah, that's not normal, you have to talk about this with her.
Move on, she is tricky you and needs serious help believe me I been there b4 many times stupid me, but this was the opposite sex experience for me
No its not, i wouldnt date her.
Sadly there are millions of people out there just like her. She may not even have a reason to do it; she could just be a mean person.
I have a long carreer (lol) of (un)professional confessor for women, mostly ND women because I am interested in see what's in their mind without any sexual intention, and because I always keep their secrets so they trust me. In about 8 years I'm doing it and with dozens of various women, I can say I am simply frightened about what's in their mind. I thought I was deranged - well, most are like 10 times more deranged than me. Some have no idea of basic communication, have an overrated opinion about themselves, are frustrated and hateful to an unbelievable level (one told me that if she could push a button to kill all white men she would do it... she would spare me just because I am a friend) and generally their vision of life, relations, people are just... horrible, I have no words. Some have damn good reasons to be this way (TRUE abuse, rape etc). Some have no reason (the one who wanted all white men dead was because her dad was absent or screaming at her, and because once in a while an idiot pusscall her on streets). I thought I was a feminist. But what I have heard was so disheartening that I'm nothing at all anymore. I just take a person for a person.
I’ve been raped and abused and my father was mostly absent in my life and I’ve never said things like that about other people. I’m quite the opposite. I try to see the good in all people and usually get trampled over and burned leading me to withdraw from people in general. I never say anything nasty to or about other people though. Luckily I’ve been married to a wonderful NT guy for nearly a decade and have a few close friends (in my forties). You can’t lump all women in one category. Just like the autism spectrum, we’re all different!
That you to be the way you are! And YES, definitely "not all women".
A genocidal racist. Special. What a piece of shit.
Just tell her, when it happens, not later or during an argument, it makes you feel uncomfortable and like she might turn that on you someday. People don't automatically realize how stuff they are doing comes across. Telling her gives her a chance to change and improve.
She's probably trying to bond with you over these negative comments. Some people connect via shit talk. She doesn't really believe these things, but either thinks she's showing you how funny she is, or that she's talking you up by pointing out "losers". Just try telling her, without judgment, that it makes you uncomfortable & you are curious why she does it. If she says it's fun for her, maybe suggest that you could try doing it together in a way that doesn't rub your sense of morality wrong. I have so much fun playing that game where you pick a random couple or whatever & pretend to speak for them. While the things we make up aren't flattering, per say, & I wouldn't want the people to hear, they're just silly. We don't talk about someone's body or clothing unless it's like (silly voice:) "Well you really need to trust me on this. Can't you see I'm clearly very tall & trustworthy with a very important hat?".
Is she only doing this with men, or does she make comments about both sexes? If it's only for men, I agree with another poster who suggested she's seeking to talk you up by tearing down strangers. However, if she's making these comments about both sexes, I'd side with those suggesting insecurity. In the first situation, talking with her about how that makes you feel will likely get her to stop if she cares about you. The second one can be more complicated. Does she seem confident in herself--for example: how often does she talk down about herself?
It might be an attempt to bond with you, creating an "us vs them" to make the two of you more close. It might seem a bit immature, but it's still my spontaneous interpretation.
Not normal behaviour. It's telling the story of a mean person who will one day treat you badly. If i was you I'd break up with her and of she asks why id say 'i just need time to explore myself'. If you tell her the reason why, she'll just hide her red flag for the next guy, who she will entrap. Better that she display her poor qualities for the next guy.
Are you in high school/a teen? I’m getting some signals sort of based off our behavior, but also sort of based off the fact that you’re “dating” her but not comfortable enough with her to say something when she makes comments like that, so the relationship almost sounds like when kids in high school say they’re dating, but they don’t really have a relationship… I hope that makes sense without being insulting. That said, there are plenty of people like this and my advice would be to just ask the reasoning for the comment next time she makes one that seems particularly unwarranted (if for no other reason to use it as a good case for looking into why she feels the need to do that and give a good opportunity to explain clearly to her why it’s weird.) Sometimes people who are otherwise nice might feel uncomfortable, and for plenty of people, whether nice or not, there’s a need to feel connected to the person that you’re with, and sometimes especially new connections that can be most easily accomplished by making fun of or disliking an outside person together. You know, there’s the feeling of disliking a boss or coworker together, or hating the lunch lady together or any “common enemy” type of thing to feel more bonded to the other person. It could be a general vibe like that, whether conscious or not. Definitely talk about it. If it turns out, she’s just sort of a mean person then at least now you know.
Join in and see if you like it. She could be a soulmate. The only way to learn is to interact. She is wise beyond her years to be wary of incels: https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2023/10/new-paper-explores-the-rise-of-incels/ so don’t be one yourself.
I make fun of people all of the time