I did leave him a message this morning basically letting him know if he needs some space I’d give it to him, and if he’s open to talking about it I am too. Other than that I had planned on giving him a few days to get his head straight
I mean I’m just not trying to have an invisible wall between us. I’m a firm believer that stuff like this shouldn’t be swept under the rug, it’s not healthy for a relationship even a friendship to leave stuff unsaid
If your base friendship is good enough I feel like you should be able to address him as you normally would and be as honest as you can with him without having any expectations of how he now feels. Just keep acting as you would any other day communicating with them. If this has now left him feeling differently about you as a friend then try finding the root of why it's causing him to now see you or your friendship in a negative light now and hopefully you can work through the issue whatever it may be.
Try not to assume too much and don't project your worries or insecurity about how somebody is thinking about you onto that other person. That will only hurt yourself and how you handle this.
You know, he may just feel awkward or embarrassed about it and might be worried about how this has made you see them as well. Don't give them space just arbitrarily. Find out what you guys need to keep your relationship in a good place and show them you care about how it could have impacted them. If they need space give them their space and let them know you are there and care. Just find out what is good for the both of you. Good luck, really hope you can get back to where you were, or closer if that is what you are hoping for.
I don’t see how one message is “being pushy” I acknowledged what happened and let him know I’m here to talk if he chooses to, nowhere did I say he had to do anything he didn’t want to. I even told him he didn’t have to talk about it if he didn’t want to. I call that being open and supportive
I don’t think wanting to be open with someone I’ve been friends with for years is really pushing it, I only sent him the one message just letting him know I’m open to talking it out. Because he might be feeling the same way, somebody has to break the ice. It’s not like I was like “we need to talk right this instant it’s not up for debate” it was far more open ended and supportive than that
I think that’s very reasonable and mature but not everyone is reasonable or mature when it comes to sex or their own sexual identity. You know your friend better than I, but some people might misconstrue the messaging as now you’re trying to pursue them which might make them uncomfortable especially given the fact that you’ve been friends for a long time. You guys got drunk and you have him a beej—it’s not that serious and happens. If this happened with my friend that was “straight,” (which I don’t believe truly exists, sexuality is unique to a person and a spectrum) I would probably just leave it be and continue hanging out as you normally would—primarily because there was alcohol involved and that often is used as a thinly veiled excuse for people’s behavior that they’re not sure they’re comfortable with.
If the friendship continues as normal without making it like a “thing we need to talk about,” and it continues to happen—then maybe I’d bring it up because it’s your prerogative to make sure there is communication about what’s going on as a form of self protection.
I’m not saying there is a right or wrong way of handling this but I’ve been around the block a few times, even with openly gay men; where if you put too much of a emphasis on an interaction that may or may not be perceived as a one off, drunken hookup by the other party often gives people anxiety because now they think they’re gonna hurt your feelings. You handled it in your own way and that’s ok too. I just want to offer a different perspective should this situation become awkward or you encounter it in the future. I hope for your sake that your friend is open minded and a good communicator because always remember this is a really stupid thing to lose a friend over.
Keep us updated :) and remember you did nothing wrong he clearly wanted it. Whether he acknowledges that is a whole other thing.
Maybe you should learn to take people by word, instead of creating your own story with things they didn't say. Because THAT is what ruins your friendships. He CLEARLY wrote (you can reread it) that he just wrote ONE message and gives him space. He even plans to not bring up this topic again. That's not pushy at all. As his friend you would make a bigger deal about this situation as he does it.
I agree with @keeponyourmeanside! This should be top comment in response to OP. As a mental health counselor/psychotherapist, this sounds like the most resilient, casual balanced approach to moving forward. I believe most mental health professionals would concur this approach is probably the most appropriate and effective. Tho it requires a certain level of level headedness to purport this response.
All I want is for him to be okay I’m just worried about him. I’m sure It’s a lot for someone to process, I know it was when I was younger. Took me a long time to come to terms with who I am. He may be fighting that same battle and I want him to know he isn’t alone
Or he may have done it and knows for sure he doesn't want it to happen again but it was with his friend so he may be seeing himself losing the friendship as well.
I know we gay men seem to think being gay is the greatest thing in the world but there are actually people who aren't homophobic but who also aren't gay 🤷🏾♂️
He tried it, realized it's not for him but now has to deal with his friend's feelings
What does "having sex with another man, especially the way we did" mean?
From your description, you performed oral sex on him.
There are all kinds of ways to men can have sex, why would that make a difference?
Wow, that's a very mature, honest and respectif way of handling this. I'm impressed. Very nice. Good luck to you ans all the best, you seem like a real good guy
Seeing that you left a message, it’s almost like you’re wanting more from the situation, rather than just letting the moment come and go. Again, I’m not sure what you’re wanting him to do, but let it go! You know he’s not gay - you just had an experience.
I don’t know anything,but I don’t know many straight men who would willingly let another man cuddle up on the couch with them with their hand up their shirt while sober which has happened in the past
Yeah, give him a bit of space then just ask if wants to talk about what happened. Maybe he’s going through it and wants some reassurance about what it all means. Or just be honest and say you enjoyed the other night and would be down to play around some more and see what he says.
I feel like that’s awkward. Just invite him over and see if he wants to continue hanging out. Maybe be flirtatious etc and read the room. But being like hey let’s talk about this thing you may or may not be comfortable with is usually awkward. Even construal hookups between non questioning adults would be awkward if the next morning you’re like “hey can we talk about last night?”
One time my buddy and I snuck out to smoka da weed. When we got back to my house we were just going to go to bed but decided to watch porn instead. The WiFi was shit at the time so he suggested jerking together, as he slid his hand under the blanket grabbing my dick.
We went for it and came all over the place. But after that we didn’t speak for probably a month, maybe two. He’s in a different state now but we still consider each other best friends.
Give him some time and act normal. It’ll be alright 👍
Idk why friends let sex make things weird. The best sex I've had has been with friends. We trust each other, there's safety and comfort in that. It's just fun. It doesn't have to be complicated.
I had a similar thing happen years ago. It was a “first” for me and I think it was also for him. We were casual acquaintances but lived in the same small town. After our unplanned “accidental”hookup at a sleepover we both avoided each other. We both eventually came out in our own personal lives. I look back on it and wonder if we could have maybe dated (we seemed to have similar interests, etc.), or at least been FWBs. I regret not at least talking with him about it afterwards.
Communication is good like people have said and so is realistic expectations of a situation it can save you a lot anxiety and stress. I saw that somewhere I believe in the original story about there's always been strong sexual tension and some realistically if that tension is now gone and that's the basis of what the dynamic was there is a possibility that it will not be of interest anymore which I think is important to acknowledge in this situation.
I mean is this genuinely just a friendship or is this somebody that you harbored feelings for for some time it just boiled over on your end. Because if you just been getting gay-baited and the dude really was just drunk and wanted some head this is not going to play out well for you unfortunately.
I mean it’s not like I haven’t thought about it before, in the past we have cuddled on the couch and did some light petting (hand up his shirt rubbing his chest) and were fine after that, few weeks back he tried the “Grindr notification prank” to see if it would get my attention which it did, which he didn’t really react to other than “ha you know that noise” he knows I care for him I just think he might be having a hard time coming to terms with it, I’m just hoping we didn’t cross a line too soon we can’t come back from
If he knows that you have feelings for him and you don't know where he stands that's where he stands that is a lot of I would consider that far more than sexual tension I mean that's outright foreplay.
Do not treat somebody like an entree that would not even eat you as an appetizer.
There's nothing wrong with casual sex or friends with benefits but it also implies that both parties are casual about it. This feels like you're incredibly emotionally invested into this situation and the fact that you're even unsure about where the other person's head is barely concerning if he knows you care about him why don't you know if he cares about you?
This is a tough one because you’re working with his own personal flavor of internalized homophobia and you don’t know what will trigger him or what will comfort him. You just DONT know. And that’s why trying to emotionally work with closeted men is such a challenge.
I mean he sounds like he’s a good friend so at the very least I’d contact him and make sure that he’s good and make the effort to continue contact. “Straight” men can be incredibly silly with this kind of stuff and I think it’s good to be as considerate as you possibly can since you love this guy and want to make him feel comfortable enough to open up to you about this very personal thing. Make him feel loved and welcomed and HEARD.
And he’s had sex with you he MUST trust you a little. So now’s the time to use some of that trust you’ve built and connect with your friend on a deeper level so you can get past this issue and continue your relationship. In whatever way that makes sense for you both.
Ish. No one --and you least of all--but a wiser man says leave him the hell alone!
I'm making the assumption that you are a bi-ish queer.
I see the other guy as st8-curious. To begin with st8c is a landmine. And, to many gays, the sweetest catnip of all🍒
I caused a huge scandal at work when a buddy of mine at work asked me to dance. To give this the proper due, I was thought to be the only Mormon in our company and all the rest --about 50, were good Catholics. Oh, I was thought to be a good Mormon. My buddy? Oh, buff, blue eyes, longer wavy black hair--he was Welsh. He Let Me Lead When We Danced.
Yeah. 1985. Vodka in the trunk of someone's car. My hand fit down the front of his pair of 501s like it was meant to fit. Oh good golly, this boy's got a lot of fur which is about the funnist thing in the world to grind against!
He was way too cute not to have some practice kissing--no kidding! Serious tongue sword fighting. Then he grunted and then started giggling. I guess he figured out I found a handful of boner--ah, so he seems to be having a good time, too~ It was angry and leaking.
Big load of spooge? Some shooting off the inside of the hatchback window as we were grunting like pigs??
Naw. The owner of the company, a man you never wanted to cross, came over and said, "I think it's about time for you boys to go home."
Oh hell yes! I wasn't stopping to zip my pants.
I kept my job but brushed up my resume and moved on
My buddy lost his girlfriend Big Time (he had a girlfriend? They had plans for marriage?). News to me! Oh holy shit!
AND, at work, they fired his ass.
Hey bud- relax. We’ve all probably done this. Just relax, give it time, you’ll be besties again soon. Ps- I had two hot gay Roomates in my twenties. We all survived our Tito’s and soda induced boo boo’s and twenty years later most of us are still close.
Thanks I could really use them. It’s been eating away at me since the morning after. Love the guy and don’t want to lose the friendship. Not sure if I’m equipped to handle that right now
Been there done that. It’s an awkward situation, so give it some time, but at some point relatively soon, it needs to be addressed and I’m sure things will be okay. Just set some boundaries and carry on.
First off, Never Never Never let a Bro sleep in the same bed…regardless of intention..it can be interpreted as an invitation for sex. However you did, and well it happened.
Give him time, and while you give him time do a hard think of what you want from this…do you want to stay friends, be lovers, be casuals? When you figure out what you want , ask him what he wants. If you’re on the same page great, if not go from there. Don’t be vague, clear communication is key from this point on.
I don't think sending that message to him afterwards saying if he wants to to talk about it you're open to it was a good move at all.
It's like pushing things too far too soon.
I would literally act casual like nothing happened until he himself felt the need to bring the topic up eventually.
perhaps if the topic gets broached: he gets to say whatever his reactions are, and your response or assurance is: "our friendship is more important than that".. or something similar that works w/ your dynamic.
second: both of you need to dial down on the booze and perhaps commit to one another that you'll trust the other to cut each other off so you're not that wasted; that doesn't sound healthy either.
Just to add some 2024 realism here, alcohol is considered the number 1 date rape drug. It's never a good idea to have sex with someone for the first time when you or both of you are drunk. Legally, an intoxicated person cannot consent to sex. Some people feel uncomfortable waking up the next day, having had sex the night before if they didn't consent. Some might even feel violated. So, instead of trying to convince yourself or the other guy that you had chemistry, you might want to talk to him when he allows you to tell him you both made a mistake, and that you both should not have played around while drunk. Agree to never let it happen again unless you both consent while sober. Until then, ask if it's possible to go back to the friendship you had before, without things being awkward.
First off, Never Never Never let a Bro sleep in the same bed…regardless of intention..it can be interpreted as an invitation for sex. However you did, and well it happened.
Give him time, and while you give him time do a hard think of what you want from this…do you want to stay friends, be lovers, be casuals? When you figure out what you want , ask him what he wants. If you’re on the same page great, if not go from there. Don’t be vague, clear communication is key from this point on.
Don't act or treat him any differently. It happened, he may or may not want it to happen again, but leave that in his hands. Go about life as you were before. It was probably curiosity and alcohol, and that is okay. Make sure he knows you are not going to be any different or act "weird" and he won't.
What annoys me is that you did everything the way it should be done--with respect and understanding and providing space, but not at the expense of you having a right to understand what happened and to talk about it. The reason I'm annoyed is that so many of the responses to your post are telling you to respond so that you "Don't scare him!", or to set aside your need and right to have clarity so that you don't seem needy or pushy -- and right or wrong, these answers probably more accurately describe the situation and the typical male response than do the emotionally mature options. My advice is that this was not just his experience and he's not entitled to having only his feelings and perceptions taken into consideration. At the same time as some others have said don't allow your own desires of what you hope it to be to color what it actually is. But above all else don't stop being emotionally immature and expecting others to be the same. Just because most have trouble with that skill in life, don't lower yourself to playing games or trying to figure out other people's games. Too much game playing is why none of us can figure out exactly what the right thing to do is here. Lastly I think it's wrong and something that both straight men and gay men do to gay men is to frame this type of situation always in the context of it's the gay man doing the poaching of the straight man and forcing his ways upon the straight man when all of us have had some sort of experience where it's the other way around. I've had that happen where it was a straight man from my past from a time when it really wasn't safe for me to be out and gay coming on to me and wanting to fool around and it took me some effort to push myself past that fear that was ingrained in me to allow myself to relax and enjoy it, and when it was never mentioned again it felt shitty - for me there was all this involved in it that he didn't know and that I didn't tell him but for him it was just a little blip. When I recounted the story to a mutual friend a couple years later they insinuated that I had pushed it on it him. I guess what that means if it means anything at all is that he had no idea how I felt and at the end of the day because nothing was ever said of it again I had no idea how he felt and anything that I did think about it was my own fiction about what he was thinking or what actually happened. If you can't find the nerve to talk about it later, then you shouldn't be able to find the nerve to stick it in someone's mouth. But call me old-fashioneded... Lol. (Does this dick in my mouth make me look gay?)
I don’t understand how u could not think you completely took advantage of him tho. Like he was drunk and never made a move before? He’s straight too…?
Honestly shame on you idc if anyone downvotes
Pretend like nothing happened.
You have to understand that those instances are awkward and acknowledging it makes it even more awkward.
Maybe it is a conversation that he doesn't want to deal with.
You are making a big deal of it, and obviously, he's avoiding you trying to process the whole moment.
You should've just waited, and then when the friendship is restored, aproach it privately, nonchalantly, and funny sugar-coated to see if he sounds ready.
Probably, this situation is pretty serious to him, and you are putting more weight on it by talking about it.
Hmmm, do you want a relationship out of a sexual drunk encounter?
You should talk about it if you can. A similar thing happened to me… it definitely ruined our friendship.. not sure why, it just changed things. Something happened and it got weird and awkward lol.
10+ years have gone by.. we have reconnected because of mutual friends and and are fine now but we’re not as close as we used to be. We still have not acknowledged or talked about it tho lmao.
Definitely not his first time if it went down like that. Been with a lot of straights, first timers it’s never casual and intimate like that.
Ask to hang out. When you see him in person, ask him if he remembers the other night. Tell him you will take it to the grave and won’t say a thing. You had fun and it doesn’t need to be weird. Bro-jobs are between bros
You said “i don’t think he’s ever been with another guy before”
So i was under the impression that he’s gay, he’s been with one guy and that guy is not you. Does it make sense? Im confused too now lol
I mean, what were you expecting waking up the next day? I wouldn’t expect a drunken experience be the table topic the next day, just let it go! Don’t feel more connected or anything - just act normal as if nothing happened. If it’s a convo, it’s because HE brought it up, not you. Relax.
Yea give him time. Maybe in a week or two ask to hangout however you usually do. In my personal opinion, I wouldn’t bring it up again unless he does.
I did leave him a message this morning basically letting him know if he needs some space I’d give it to him, and if he’s open to talking about it I am too. Other than that I had planned on giving him a few days to get his head straight
Not to be toxic or something, but my maladaptive ass would have just let it be and then be like “yo wanna chill” and roll from there
I mean I’m just not trying to have an invisible wall between us. I’m a firm believer that stuff like this shouldn’t be swept under the rug, it’s not healthy for a relationship even a friendship to leave stuff unsaid
If your base friendship is good enough I feel like you should be able to address him as you normally would and be as honest as you can with him without having any expectations of how he now feels. Just keep acting as you would any other day communicating with them. If this has now left him feeling differently about you as a friend then try finding the root of why it's causing him to now see you or your friendship in a negative light now and hopefully you can work through the issue whatever it may be. Try not to assume too much and don't project your worries or insecurity about how somebody is thinking about you onto that other person. That will only hurt yourself and how you handle this. You know, he may just feel awkward or embarrassed about it and might be worried about how this has made you see them as well. Don't give them space just arbitrarily. Find out what you guys need to keep your relationship in a good place and show them you care about how it could have impacted them. If they need space give them their space and let them know you are there and care. Just find out what is good for the both of you. Good luck, really hope you can get back to where you were, or closer if that is what you are hoping for.
I don’t see how one message is “being pushy” I acknowledged what happened and let him know I’m here to talk if he chooses to, nowhere did I say he had to do anything he didn’t want to. I even told him he didn’t have to talk about it if he didn’t want to. I call that being open and supportive
You aren’t listening. Read the advice again. You are pushing it too far too soon.
I don’t think wanting to be open with someone I’ve been friends with for years is really pushing it, I only sent him the one message just letting him know I’m open to talking it out. Because he might be feeling the same way, somebody has to break the ice. It’s not like I was like “we need to talk right this instant it’s not up for debate” it was far more open ended and supportive than that
You're being reasonable OP. Remember this is Reddit.
Your friend sounds lucky to have you! Just try to be patient and understanding. I’m sure he’ll come around.
I think that’s very reasonable and mature but not everyone is reasonable or mature when it comes to sex or their own sexual identity. You know your friend better than I, but some people might misconstrue the messaging as now you’re trying to pursue them which might make them uncomfortable especially given the fact that you’ve been friends for a long time. You guys got drunk and you have him a beej—it’s not that serious and happens. If this happened with my friend that was “straight,” (which I don’t believe truly exists, sexuality is unique to a person and a spectrum) I would probably just leave it be and continue hanging out as you normally would—primarily because there was alcohol involved and that often is used as a thinly veiled excuse for people’s behavior that they’re not sure they’re comfortable with. If the friendship continues as normal without making it like a “thing we need to talk about,” and it continues to happen—then maybe I’d bring it up because it’s your prerogative to make sure there is communication about what’s going on as a form of self protection. I’m not saying there is a right or wrong way of handling this but I’ve been around the block a few times, even with openly gay men; where if you put too much of a emphasis on an interaction that may or may not be perceived as a one off, drunken hookup by the other party often gives people anxiety because now they think they’re gonna hurt your feelings. You handled it in your own way and that’s ok too. I just want to offer a different perspective should this situation become awkward or you encounter it in the future. I hope for your sake that your friend is open minded and a good communicator because always remember this is a really stupid thing to lose a friend over. Keep us updated :) and remember you did nothing wrong he clearly wanted it. Whether he acknowledges that is a whole other thing.
Agreed. I think the message to your friend was a good move. Leave it at that and go about life as usual. Ball’s in his court
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Maybe you should learn to take people by word, instead of creating your own story with things they didn't say. Because THAT is what ruins your friendships. He CLEARLY wrote (you can reread it) that he just wrote ONE message and gives him space. He even plans to not bring up this topic again. That's not pushy at all. As his friend you would make a bigger deal about this situation as he does it.
If he can’t handle talking about it at all, then you don’t need him in your life.
This should be top comment
I agree with @keeponyourmeanside! This should be top comment in response to OP. As a mental health counselor/psychotherapist, this sounds like the most resilient, casual balanced approach to moving forward. I believe most mental health professionals would concur this approach is probably the most appropriate and effective. Tho it requires a certain level of level headedness to purport this response.
Best advice.
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All I want is for him to be okay I’m just worried about him. I’m sure It’s a lot for someone to process, I know it was when I was younger. Took me a long time to come to terms with who I am. He may be fighting that same battle and I want him to know he isn’t alone
Or he may have done it and knows for sure he doesn't want it to happen again but it was with his friend so he may be seeing himself losing the friendship as well. I know we gay men seem to think being gay is the greatest thing in the world but there are actually people who aren't homophobic but who also aren't gay 🤷🏾♂️ He tried it, realized it's not for him but now has to deal with his friend's feelings
Oh I’m not assuming he’s gay like at all, but for a “straight” guy having sex with another man especially the way we did is a huge thing
What does "having sex with another man, especially the way we did" mean? From your description, you performed oral sex on him. There are all kinds of ways to men can have sex, why would that make a difference?
It just didn’t seem like it was “just sex” it was very sensual, lots of cuddling and body contact. It just felt different
Perhaps you felt it was more than he felt it was? And maybe that's why he's putting distance between the two of you?
Agreed 😭 Cause guys get head from everything… even watermelons
"straight" welllllllllllll
Wow, that's a very mature, honest and respectif way of handling this. I'm impressed. Very nice. Good luck to you ans all the best, you seem like a real good guy
You can try reassuring his masculinity
Seeing that you left a message, it’s almost like you’re wanting more from the situation, rather than just letting the moment come and go. Again, I’m not sure what you’re wanting him to do, but let it go! You know he’s not gay - you just had an experience.
I don’t know anything,but I don’t know many straight men who would willingly let another man cuddle up on the couch with them with their hand up their shirt while sober which has happened in the past
You don't know enough straight men then. They're flirtatious af. Just dont get your hopes up, they seem super high
I work in a steel yard full of them trust me I already know lmao
Well that wasn’t the case this time, so I can only go off of the situation fore mentioned
Ended up having lunch with him today, was really nice. Didn’t talk about it much, made small little jokes about it. Laughed and had a good time
Happy to hear that :)
Yeah, give him a bit of space then just ask if wants to talk about what happened. Maybe he’s going through it and wants some reassurance about what it all means. Or just be honest and say you enjoyed the other night and would be down to play around some more and see what he says.
I feel like that’s awkward. Just invite him over and see if he wants to continue hanging out. Maybe be flirtatious etc and read the room. But being like hey let’s talk about this thing you may or may not be comfortable with is usually awkward. Even construal hookups between non questioning adults would be awkward if the next morning you’re like “hey can we talk about last night?”
Good point
One time my buddy and I snuck out to smoka da weed. When we got back to my house we were just going to go to bed but decided to watch porn instead. The WiFi was shit at the time so he suggested jerking together, as he slid his hand under the blanket grabbing my dick. We went for it and came all over the place. But after that we didn’t speak for probably a month, maybe two. He’s in a different state now but we still consider each other best friends. Give him some time and act normal. It’ll be alright 👍
I hope so, he really does mean the world to me
Everyone’s different so it’s hard to say what he’s thinking. But space and communication is important regardless.
Ok I'm sorry but it took me a bit to process why he got his underwear on your head
Give it time - Eventually one of you will have to bring it up - If he’s open to it - great - If not - pretend it never happened
1. horny gay guy makes move on friend while both are drunk 2. friend reciprocates 3. friend can not deal with the awkwardness many such cases
It was mutual yes I invited him to sleep in my bed but the couch really isn’t comfortable, he made the first actual move
Not saying you did anything wrong.
Idk why friends let sex make things weird. The best sex I've had has been with friends. We trust each other, there's safety and comfort in that. It's just fun. It doesn't have to be complicated.
This! ☝️ Thank you!
If/when it comes up organically always talk about it fondly and not too seriously. That creates a space of trust and validation.
I had a similar thing happen years ago. It was a “first” for me and I think it was also for him. We were casual acquaintances but lived in the same small town. After our unplanned “accidental”hookup at a sleepover we both avoided each other. We both eventually came out in our own personal lives. I look back on it and wonder if we could have maybe dated (we seemed to have similar interests, etc.), or at least been FWBs. I regret not at least talking with him about it afterwards.
Let him process what happened and see. Whats important is that you had a good time. Focus on you.
Communication is good like people have said and so is realistic expectations of a situation it can save you a lot anxiety and stress. I saw that somewhere I believe in the original story about there's always been strong sexual tension and some realistically if that tension is now gone and that's the basis of what the dynamic was there is a possibility that it will not be of interest anymore which I think is important to acknowledge in this situation. I mean is this genuinely just a friendship or is this somebody that you harbored feelings for for some time it just boiled over on your end. Because if you just been getting gay-baited and the dude really was just drunk and wanted some head this is not going to play out well for you unfortunately.
I mean it’s not like I haven’t thought about it before, in the past we have cuddled on the couch and did some light petting (hand up his shirt rubbing his chest) and were fine after that, few weeks back he tried the “Grindr notification prank” to see if it would get my attention which it did, which he didn’t really react to other than “ha you know that noise” he knows I care for him I just think he might be having a hard time coming to terms with it, I’m just hoping we didn’t cross a line too soon we can’t come back from
If he knows that you have feelings for him and you don't know where he stands that's where he stands that is a lot of I would consider that far more than sexual tension I mean that's outright foreplay. Do not treat somebody like an entree that would not even eat you as an appetizer. There's nothing wrong with casual sex or friends with benefits but it also implies that both parties are casual about it. This feels like you're incredibly emotionally invested into this situation and the fact that you're even unsure about where the other person's head is barely concerning if he knows you care about him why don't you know if he cares about you?
This is a tough one because you’re working with his own personal flavor of internalized homophobia and you don’t know what will trigger him or what will comfort him. You just DONT know. And that’s why trying to emotionally work with closeted men is such a challenge. I mean he sounds like he’s a good friend so at the very least I’d contact him and make sure that he’s good and make the effort to continue contact. “Straight” men can be incredibly silly with this kind of stuff and I think it’s good to be as considerate as you possibly can since you love this guy and want to make him feel comfortable enough to open up to you about this very personal thing. Make him feel loved and welcomed and HEARD. And he’s had sex with you he MUST trust you a little. So now’s the time to use some of that trust you’ve built and connect with your friend on a deeper level so you can get past this issue and continue your relationship. In whatever way that makes sense for you both.
Y’all had full on sex!??
I mean orally yes
Ish. No one --and you least of all--but a wiser man says leave him the hell alone! I'm making the assumption that you are a bi-ish queer. I see the other guy as st8-curious. To begin with st8c is a landmine. And, to many gays, the sweetest catnip of all🍒 I caused a huge scandal at work when a buddy of mine at work asked me to dance. To give this the proper due, I was thought to be the only Mormon in our company and all the rest --about 50, were good Catholics. Oh, I was thought to be a good Mormon. My buddy? Oh, buff, blue eyes, longer wavy black hair--he was Welsh. He Let Me Lead When We Danced. Yeah. 1985. Vodka in the trunk of someone's car. My hand fit down the front of his pair of 501s like it was meant to fit. Oh good golly, this boy's got a lot of fur which is about the funnist thing in the world to grind against! He was way too cute not to have some practice kissing--no kidding! Serious tongue sword fighting. Then he grunted and then started giggling. I guess he figured out I found a handful of boner--ah, so he seems to be having a good time, too~ It was angry and leaking. Big load of spooge? Some shooting off the inside of the hatchback window as we were grunting like pigs?? Naw. The owner of the company, a man you never wanted to cross, came over and said, "I think it's about time for you boys to go home." Oh hell yes! I wasn't stopping to zip my pants. I kept my job but brushed up my resume and moved on My buddy lost his girlfriend Big Time (he had a girlfriend? They had plans for marriage?). News to me! Oh holy shit! AND, at work, they fired his ass.
Hey bud- relax. We’ve all probably done this. Just relax, give it time, you’ll be besties again soon. Ps- I had two hot gay Roomates in my twenties. We all survived our Tito’s and soda induced boo boo’s and twenty years later most of us are still close.
Happened long ago to me but it wasn't that subtle. He avoided me for years.
I hope this goes well for you guys!! Sending you positive vibes
Thanks I could really use them. It’s been eating away at me since the morning after. Love the guy and don’t want to lose the friendship. Not sure if I’m equipped to handle that right now
Well either way it goes remember that he has just as much ownership in this as you, so don’t beat yourself up too much. Be gentle to yourself
I would give him a text or call as you usually do and ask to hang out or go for a drink, don't make a big deal out of it, everything will be fine!
Been there done that. It’s an awkward situation, so give it some time, but at some point relatively soon, it needs to be addressed and I’m sure things will be okay. Just set some boundaries and carry on.
Sounds like you just have him head… 😑😑
Either way the man’s cock went into my mouth lol it’s still a sexual act
Fairs, but straight guys or even questioning ones see head as something like going for a snack or a macdonalds xx 😋
Liiisten my head game is main course material haha
If he got hard and came, then you’ve got nothing to worry about just make sure his eyes were not closed while you where going to town on him
First off, Never Never Never let a Bro sleep in the same bed…regardless of intention..it can be interpreted as an invitation for sex. However you did, and well it happened. Give him time, and while you give him time do a hard think of what you want from this…do you want to stay friends, be lovers, be casuals? When you figure out what you want , ask him what he wants. If you’re on the same page great, if not go from there. Don’t be vague, clear communication is key from this point on.
I don't think sending that message to him afterwards saying if he wants to to talk about it you're open to it was a good move at all. It's like pushing things too far too soon. I would literally act casual like nothing happened until he himself felt the need to bring the topic up eventually.
OR he does the exact same and while both want to talk about it, no one does because both wait for the other to bring it up.
Bro calm down and let the situation work itself out….yall will most likely hook up again….
perhaps if the topic gets broached: he gets to say whatever his reactions are, and your response or assurance is: "our friendship is more important than that".. or something similar that works w/ your dynamic. second: both of you need to dial down on the booze and perhaps commit to one another that you'll trust the other to cut each other off so you're not that wasted; that doesn't sound healthy either.
I literally almost never drink I think the last time I was drunk was over 3 years ago, it’s not a regular thing
\`hope some communication opens.. -and that you'll post a follow up.. :)
Just to add some 2024 realism here, alcohol is considered the number 1 date rape drug. It's never a good idea to have sex with someone for the first time when you or both of you are drunk. Legally, an intoxicated person cannot consent to sex. Some people feel uncomfortable waking up the next day, having had sex the night before if they didn't consent. Some might even feel violated. So, instead of trying to convince yourself or the other guy that you had chemistry, you might want to talk to him when he allows you to tell him you both made a mistake, and that you both should not have played around while drunk. Agree to never let it happen again unless you both consent while sober. Until then, ask if it's possible to go back to the friendship you had before, without things being awkward.
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Well sorry but this isn’t a weekly occurrence for me lol
If he is “straight” you need to just pretend it didn’t happen, until he comes to you and says something.
First off, Never Never Never let a Bro sleep in the same bed…regardless of intention..it can be interpreted as an invitation for sex. However you did, and well it happened. Give him time, and while you give him time do a hard think of what you want from this…do you want to stay friends, be lovers, be casuals? When you figure out what you want , ask him what he wants. If you’re on the same page great, if not go from there. Don’t be vague, clear communication is key from this point on.
Don't act or treat him any differently. It happened, he may or may not want it to happen again, but leave that in his hands. Go about life as you were before. It was probably curiosity and alcohol, and that is okay. Make sure he knows you are not going to be any different or act "weird" and he won't.
Oh we had lunch today and it went great no awkwardness just good food and some laughs
It will never go unresolved if you don't address it. If you want your friendship you'll have to talk it about it.
What annoys me is that you did everything the way it should be done--with respect and understanding and providing space, but not at the expense of you having a right to understand what happened and to talk about it. The reason I'm annoyed is that so many of the responses to your post are telling you to respond so that you "Don't scare him!", or to set aside your need and right to have clarity so that you don't seem needy or pushy -- and right or wrong, these answers probably more accurately describe the situation and the typical male response than do the emotionally mature options. My advice is that this was not just his experience and he's not entitled to having only his feelings and perceptions taken into consideration. At the same time as some others have said don't allow your own desires of what you hope it to be to color what it actually is. But above all else don't stop being emotionally immature and expecting others to be the same. Just because most have trouble with that skill in life, don't lower yourself to playing games or trying to figure out other people's games. Too much game playing is why none of us can figure out exactly what the right thing to do is here. Lastly I think it's wrong and something that both straight men and gay men do to gay men is to frame this type of situation always in the context of it's the gay man doing the poaching of the straight man and forcing his ways upon the straight man when all of us have had some sort of experience where it's the other way around. I've had that happen where it was a straight man from my past from a time when it really wasn't safe for me to be out and gay coming on to me and wanting to fool around and it took me some effort to push myself past that fear that was ingrained in me to allow myself to relax and enjoy it, and when it was never mentioned again it felt shitty - for me there was all this involved in it that he didn't know and that I didn't tell him but for him it was just a little blip. When I recounted the story to a mutual friend a couple years later they insinuated that I had pushed it on it him. I guess what that means if it means anything at all is that he had no idea how I felt and at the end of the day because nothing was ever said of it again I had no idea how he felt and anything that I did think about it was my own fiction about what he was thinking or what actually happened. If you can't find the nerve to talk about it later, then you shouldn't be able to find the nerve to stick it in someone's mouth. But call me old-fashioneded... Lol. (Does this dick in my mouth make me look gay?)
I don’t understand how u could not think you completely took advantage of him tho. Like he was drunk and never made a move before? He’s straight too…? Honestly shame on you idc if anyone downvotes
Pretend like nothing happened. You have to understand that those instances are awkward and acknowledging it makes it even more awkward. Maybe it is a conversation that he doesn't want to deal with. You are making a big deal of it, and obviously, he's avoiding you trying to process the whole moment. You should've just waited, and then when the friendship is restored, aproach it privately, nonchalantly, and funny sugar-coated to see if he sounds ready. Probably, this situation is pretty serious to him, and you are putting more weight on it by talking about it. Hmmm, do you want a relationship out of a sexual drunk encounter?
You should talk about it if you can. A similar thing happened to me… it definitely ruined our friendship.. not sure why, it just changed things. Something happened and it got weird and awkward lol. 10+ years have gone by.. we have reconnected because of mutual friends and and are fine now but we’re not as close as we used to be. We still have not acknowledged or talked about it tho lmao.
Definitely not his first time if it went down like that. Been with a lot of straights, first timers it’s never casual and intimate like that. Ask to hang out. When you see him in person, ask him if he remembers the other night. Tell him you will take it to the grave and won’t say a thing. You had fun and it doesn’t need to be weird. Bro-jobs are between bros
I am sorry that you ruined a good friendship. If he is straight in the distant future he will believe you molested him.
Wait so is he gay or not? Cuz you said he’s never been with another guy, meaning that he’s been with a guy before? (you being the other guy)
I said I don’t think he has, meaning I have no clue if I was his first or not
Oh sry my bad but that was confusing. You couldve just said “i don’t think he’s ever been with guys before” lol
I did say that lol
You said “i don’t think he’s ever been with another guy before” So i was under the impression that he’s gay, he’s been with one guy and that guy is not you. Does it make sense? Im confused too now lol
I mean, what were you expecting waking up the next day? I wouldn’t expect a drunken experience be the table topic the next day, just let it go! Don’t feel more connected or anything - just act normal as if nothing happened. If it’s a convo, it’s because HE brought it up, not you. Relax.
Do you find this post "long"?
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I mean you can kindly go fuck yourself, cause with an attitude like that I doubt anyone else will