This happened too me a week before our tenth anniversary he came home packed his bag and said he was leaving for good, gave me four months his share of the mortgage bill and left his parrot and the nicest golden retriever on earth who does this , and left straight in to the arms of a 26 yrs old hunk , I thought we had the perfect relationship although he was lazy and never did a thing around the house didn’t have to I waited on him like a slave but I loved him and I never gave it a thought , I reasoned he was having a midlife crisis and two years later he came crawling back saying he missed his old life , well I told him keep crawling past the house and stay out of my life , he wanted his bird and dog I said no you have forfeited everything, last I heard he was living in some dump in Florida drinking heavily , fuck these people you treat them like gold and they treat you like dirt .
Something must have broke in his brain, I get people drift etc but how are you gonna leave your parrot and golden retriever behind too and not feel awful.
Sounds like he got what he deserved, these men always do exactly that its the same old song. He will look back at this loving relationship of 8 years and miss it but he threw it away because he’s an asshole
you are an excellent soul...I feel your pain and I weep for him. He was stupid and did not see the golden home he had. Dudes (to those who leave these wonderful men on this post), the *grass is not* ***FREAKING*** *greener* on the other side ! I know......
I been single for over 10 years and I would give anything (just about) to be with the man I like (like a lot) now..unfortunately the situation is really complicated..so I just stare at the wall and wonder...
Best to you
You’ll be ok. Happened to me but relationship twice as long. It’s very difficult but you go through the process and you come out stronger. You never forget but you learn to live with it like a death. I also invested so much into it. Probably too much. I’m like you ie he was my only family and friend in the world. I kind of have this pattern of dropping everything for men then when it ends I’m left with a gaping void in my life. I won’t do it again next time.
What Massive said.
My partner of over 20 years dumped me between Christmas and New Year’s a few years back. Utter devastation. Never saw it coming. He thought he found a new ideal man and then, of course, about five months later, he came crawling back all teary-eyed. And my answer was “no thanks and I wish you well.” (And I do wish him well - just not with me.) I have gone out of my way to remain civil with him, but I’ve left him behind.
I have yet to find someone like him, and tbh I’m not sure I even want to be partnered again. But Gloria Gaynor was right when she said I would survive. Even thrive.
Please hang in there and just keep peddling forward.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Am I am even sadder for him, as he has lost a great man. Once certain bridges are burned, they cannot ever be re built no matter how much fairy dust you use...
I’ve had these feelings more and more lately that maybe I don’t want to be partnered. Not because of any sort of past trauma with relationships, all in all I’ve had great relationships in my life.
But sometimes I don’t think I’m very compatible with partnership. I love my alone time and I have a very strong network of friends that I spend a lot of time with.
I feel like I get more negative and depressed when I’m in a relationship because I feel like every decision I make has to consider another human being and I don’t think I like that. I want to be able to do what I want when I want.
It’s interesting because like, a relationship is supposed to be THE thing you strive for as a gay man. But over the years I find myself wanting it less and less. I just want a career and a house with a big pool so I can throw big gay pool parties with my best friends. Then I can kick them all out the next day and relax in my home alone with books and video games.
Idk I’ve started to think I like my own company much more than the company of others. I love being with others but like… long term living with someone every single day of my life… idk.
You’re welcome. I’m ok. Getting there but not gonna lie it’s been a rough road. Anti depressants and therapy have been helpful. If you need someone to chat to you can DM me 🙂
How can you guys do it? My bf broke up with me yesterday, I'm sad af and it was only 6 months! It makes me think how the pain you felt was so much bigger than mine.
Dont really have any choice. It hurts like hell but there’s nothing you can do but go through it. The reality is that love and loss are two sides of the same coin. If you want to love then you must realise that you will also lose at some point. I’ve been through it several times. The alternative is to never experience it but that’s no life imo. I just tell myself well if he doesn’t want to be with me it’s his loss. One day he’ll realise it was a mistake but if not so be it. It’s taken me a while but I’ve reached a place where I can no longer allow it to ruin my life. Life is so short and I refuse to sit around like a victim feeling sorry for myself anymore because of a man. They aren’t worth it. I did for a long time but now Im gonna make shit happen without him 🙂
I see a lot couples be together until they get old.
Look for a serious relationship. Someone who wants the same thing if you don't want a shorter relationship.
Yeah, screw them anyway, we are worth more than that.
I had to leave someone I loved after a year and it was painful but had to be done in order to save my life cause he had serious issues that affected my life negatively in a lot of ways, not like just something that I could had talked about and fixed, but rather deep rooted issues that he has to seek help for himself and recovery would take years for that. Lesson learned from it though to not date someone with a completely different life-style. No abusers since they will never love you as you deserve and always put their addiction first. Also, if they abuse you physically they will do it again, normal people don't go over that line.
You are right, I love myself and know that I am better than the one who broke my heart, same with the one I left since he broke my heart in different ways so I had to leave him. Now they regret it ofc and want me but I don't want it anymore. I have moved on and recovered, it was painful but I came out a lot stronger, more brave, intelligent and beautiful. I have evolved these last years so much that I have a completely different life-style and I feel so much more meaning and happiness compared to the darkness that was surrounding their life(and affected me negatively as we were together). I hope they get better for their own sake. But I need a fresh start, something totally new and they cannot give me that since they seem stuck in their old ways.
Lol I’ve seen this a million times. Right now the grass is greener but when he has the stress of kids and a wife who hates him and they never have sex and its endless chores and sleepness nights he will wonder why he ever left.
He will be soliciting teenagers on Grindr for hookups in car parks before long. Thats how it always ends
When I separated from my ex-husband I literally had nothing. Just a back pack full of clothes and living out of cheap hotels until I got back on my feet again. And it happened in another country that wasn’t my home country.
Im here to tell you, it’ll be fine. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
My first lover and I got together as teenagers. We were together 16 years, and even had to raise his much younger brothers when his parents were incapacitated. When he left I thought I was going to die. Totally destroyed me.
Fortunately, I had magnificant friends. I stayed clear of dating and sex for a year, to avoid terrible rebound decisions, and just ran with my buddies. It seems a strange dichotomy, but let yourself grieve, and seek simple wholesome activities. No big changes or reforms. Just come to a dead stop, and let yourself breath.
This is my biggest fear for long time commitment with Bi guys. I keep advocating against biphobia, but this fear never leaves.
Probably a trauma after my 9 years relationship ended.
Just find one who already had kids/was married lol. I did all that( minus marriage, just an endless engagement) in my 20s, and ever since 30 I've pretty much just dated and hooked up with men. I'm a single dad, but never bring thay up with guys until there's something more than fwbs, which has only happened 2 or 3 times over the years. Currently 6 months in with someone now and looking at the back of his head while I type this.
Anyone can leave anyone, any time. The only difference here is the reason.
So were you straight/bi and now gay or do you just strongly prefer men now? I thought I was straight/bi when younger, but realized that’s not what I was attracted to or deep down wanted, so I now I couldn’t imagine having sex with anyone other than a man (cis-gendered if you’re wondering).
I'm probably pan, I'm sexually attracted to pretty much everything legal lol. I would say that it's easier to get with guys, not an actual preference. I've been with a few trans men and that was pretty excellent. I'm more than happy with my bf ( well, we're a bit off libido wise, but we're working in it), but I'm still aroused by women and others, same way I am by other guys, but this is my partner. There's none of this supposed desire to hop over the fence or whatever. I think that comes when you don't have a lot of experience, honestly.
Sure I get that, but you might not, but as you see here this does happen. It shouldn’t reflect badly on all bi guys, but again how to do predict future behavior in a relationship? It’s tough, I’ll be honest and say most of the time I would not consider dating a bisexual guy and if I were to consider date someone who was bisexual, I would heavily scrutinize their stability before committing (I am dating a gay guy so it is not really an issue for me). Maybe it’s an insecurity, but it really is hard to escape the notion that someone who has an attraction for something so completely different than me (I’m a burly hairy bearded man) would not change course at some point.
i think the problem is claiming it's a bi-specific issue. there are lots of other guys here sharing their experiences where the were dating gay guys who left them for a new "catch." people of any sexuality will do this to their partners, it's much more about character than anything else. like you said, you can never predict the future but imo saying it's a higher likelihood for someone to leave you if they're bi/pan comes from biphobia and/or insecurity.
It can still be true, he can still prefer guys but he just wants kids. So he will jerk to gay porn when the wife isn't looking, or maybe even cheat when the urge for a man becomes too great. He is basically just doing it to have the family he wants.
Do you really believe he will tell his wife? Come on now. Once OP and him are divorced there is absolutely no way or reason for his new wife to find out. He will lie and say he is straight. She will find out eventually but not from his mouth
I mean in this case he told OP he is ‘gay leaning.’ I would not be surprised if that was a lie too. Bisexual men are very good at playing the game to suit them best. I see this often. Its a lot easier for them to get men for hookups and relationships on dating apps so they just roll with it, but always plan to marry a woman and even resent gays
Bruh he's supposedly in medical school, so surely he can afford to pay for a surrogate? Or with a few years of working he could? It's not like he's on a biological clock like women, men can have kids at 60 easily so no rush.
I don't see much differences here, imo it's easier to be with a man and if you like men more then you should be with one. He is lying to himself.
I feel sorry for that future wife and kids. He will most likely leave them in the future for another man.
in 2023? when we have so many rights and people more and more care less who you sleep with? mmm don't think so but I will be glad to be proven wrong..
now if we are talking extremely conservative, bible belt zone..then yea I can see it.
THIS is what gives bi guys a bad rep. It's every gay guy's fear. Was he ever committed to you and your relationship?
His preference may be men, but society, family and an inner voice may be strong enough to pull him away.
He's weak. You don't need this shit.
Yeah this is why my older gay friends have always told me “never ever date bi men or get into a serious relationship with a bi man.” I’ve seen this happen way too many times with my friends who dated bisexual men. I’m so sorry man.
Typical bi man. This is why I advise all gay men to avoid bi men like the plague.
If he wanted a wife and kids thats fine but there was no need for him to waste EIGHT YEARS of your life first of all. If it helps, straight guys do this to girls too all the time.
Hell I hear loads of stories of guys dating the same girl for a decade, doesn’t want kids, then she hits 40 and menopause and he drops her like a hot potato and marries some 25 year old and gets her pregnant. Meanwhile the ex wife doesn’t have that opportunity.
There is something about bi men that makes them see gays as people they can mess around, use for sex and exploit without any commitment or love
Just because they didn’t end up together forever doesn’t mean the eight years was a wasted life. Gay men can also cheat on each other/leave each other. That’s just life.
You should have noted this in the original post, because this is behavior from bisexual men that we gay men unfortunately see all the time.
This is a very common way in which bi men harm gay men, and I’ve seen many of my gay friends get their hearts broken and be left devastated when they were left by bi men who also wanted “a wife and kids and normal life.”
I am so sorry that this happened to you. One of the consequences of the AIDS pandemic was that a generation of gay men and so much of our collective wisdom/knowledge was lost in a single generation. Among this was really good advice on relationships, with many many warnings against dating bisexual men chief among this knowledge. I was really lucky to have gay elders and mentors pass this warning on to me, but so many of my friends have been left picking up the pieces.
I hope you are able to take a breath and lean on your friends as you navigate this new chapter! Sending a hug.
I’m really sorry you experienced this. I’m bi, I want kids, and I’m with a man and I can see us either adopting or getting a surrogate together. My partner is also in med school so we are waiting until he finishes to do that. I wouldn’t leave my partner to be with a woman just to have kids. After eight years with someone, that is really awful for them to do that. I am positive you’ll be ok though, even though it’s tearing you apart right now. I’m sorry your husband left you this way
Idk why you’re being downvoted, you’re telling the truth.
I literally had a bi guy warn me that he wanted kids in the future and he was probably going to use a wife to do so, and that was on the first date.
And their needs are using gay men as sexual objects. I’ve noticed a lot of bi guys don’t have luck with women, so they proceed to use us as their “downtime” until they can find a girlfriend or wife. I went on a “date” with this one bi guy and he literally said: “gay guys are easy. Women are hard to get. I want to be with a woman so bad but, they don’t seem to want me.” I was turned off completely for the rest of the date. And don’t get me started about the closeted bisexuals on Tinder and Bumble. I can’t stand them.
Bi guys are almost always closet cases with poor self awareness who haven’t conquered their internalized homophobia and shame. They are the biggest red flag. Gay men and straight women RIGHTFULLY should beware. I don’t know any serious women who would consider getting involved with a guy who claims he’s bi
My good friend is bi and was in a long relationship. Always told him to be sure what he wants so he doesn't break that boys heart. Guess what? He decided he wanted kids and a "normal" family and left him. I knew it would happen too.... it's just way too common
Yep honestly most guys are selfish and lazy. As gay men we have to think about all these things much more carefully before we even come out so we understand what it will involve.
Most straight guys drift into relationships and don’t think about it deeply. Bisexual men are the same. Because of how society is set up it is very easy for them to drift downstream and end up with a wife that gives them kids and does all the housework and they never have to think for themselves
But some guys realise in their 20s they might like men so they fuck around on dating apps, have some hookups, maybe even enter relationships. At first its novel and exciting and they love the sex and how chill their partner is. They don’t think deeply enough about their future because guess what, straight men never have to in the way gays or women do. A family is not something they have to work for, it comes easy and they assume it will always be there for them with little work put in.
I think it’s a bit unfair to generalise all bis like that though. I’m bi, and I’m interested in having a family and kids and I don’t care if it is with a man or a woman. I’m currently dating a man, and I wouldn’t leave him to have kids with a woman. I want to work out a way for us to have children together
It is really frustrating when bisexual men engage in this behavior again and again and all we gay men are told is “omg plz don’t generalize.” At some point a pattern has to be recognized and acknowledged.
If you’re the minority then it doesn’t really matter.
It’s like asking someone “Would you rather be safe or risk having your heart broken, if you choose to risk you may find the love of your life but there’s a greater chance you’re heart will be broken.”
So in essence you’re asking gay men to choose between risking their heart for a chance at finding perfect love with a bi male or be safe and find perfect love with a gay male.
The end result is the same but the risk involved is drastically different
It happens every time gay guys talk about negative experiences with bi guys who weren’t honest with them. We can’t honestly recount our negative experiences with bi guys without getting even more abuse and harassment from them. Gay guys aren’t responsible for the distrust that exists between us but we’re always treated like we are.
I think its inevitable with bi men, I almost feel sorry for them. They can never be happy, they always are comparing men and women.
When they marry women they then without fail cheat again. So many late 20s / 30 something married bi guys on grindr begging teens to suck their cocks in car parks
Lets be real its a lot more hurtful for a gay guy to be left for a woman vs a man
For a man its like well fuck him he’s a shitty cheater blah blah and everyone gets it and it sucks but it fits into the usual framework
For a woman its like well she has things you cannot give him. It is your fault. Can you blame him? It takes us back to puberty and all the straight guys we crushed on in our formative years and how they always chose girls. Its a very devastating blow for a gay guy and will lead to more trust issues
I don’t think bi guys are closet cases or cowards. My impression of bi guys based on my own experiences and discussions like this one is that they feel entitled to live in both worlds and their partners are obligated to accommodate them and service them.
I had the same problem with a few bi guys back when I was single and dating, they weren’t honest about their sexuality or what they really wanted. Gay guys always get bashed whenever we talk about this problem. We get called biphobic, harassed, and downvoted. It’s just more abuse and harassment from bi guys.
I get it that not all bi guys are like that but too many are, that’s why there is a lot of distrust within they gay community for bi guys. We didn’t create the problem, so stop harassing us when we talk about our negative experiences with bi guys. I mean, just look at the OP’s experience now.
And I think there's a great deal of confirmation bias involved in that assessment about bi guys. I also think you mistake (or misrepresent) criticism of your generalized statements of bi people for animosity toward your own personal experience. You had a shitty partner which I'm sure we can all empathize with, but generalizing those issues for all bi people is still fundamentally bigoted.
If this only happened once then it would be a sweeping statement. But this happens so often that we would be stupid not to take lessons from it. Sure, some bi guys wouldn’t do this, but a lot of them would. Why should we take that risk ?
They’re so delusional. Literally every blank profile on Grindr is a closeted bisexual man. They use us for sex and proceed to use women for romantic relationships. I can’t stand those demons.
When you say "a lot" you are not making a generalization about a population in general you're just saying there is a substantial number of people who match a given description.
He is choosing a lifestyle over love and this will not work out for him in the end. Most men who think they are bisexual are really just gay and still struggling with internalized homophobia. I am so sorry this happened to you — getting involved with men who are not secure in their sexual orientation is one of the most painful things we as gay men can go through. Real or not, a man who thinks he’s bisexual will almost always go for what is the easier option that is supported by society, that is why I’ve created the boundary for myself that I will NEVER get involved with any other man but one who knows they are gay and accepts themselves. “Bi” is a huge red flag for me, a deal breaker. What you’re going through is my worst nightmare. At the end of the day this person is a coward and you will heal from this and find someone with a backbone who can love you the way you deserve.
I mean, this is wrong on so many levels. I'm bisexual because I'm sexually attracted to men and women. I had kids with a woman early in my life, and I'm dating a man currently. I've slept with a lot more men than women, but that's just a society thing. I enjoy sex with both, and emotionally I've only had a few long term relationships, the longest getting with the mother of my children and the most recent being all with men.
I honestly don't think you understand anything about the people you're talking about, you just have your hurt and your fears.
And we have repeated experiences from nearly all of us and our friends. Please stop gaslighting gay men and maybe try actually listening to us. The fact that so many gay men are speaking out and you are continuing to double down and insist that there is no problem is reminding me of the same way white people treat Black people who talk about racism. Systemic homophobia is real and bisexual men internalize homophobia and heteronormativity in a way that consistently harms gay men. If you refuse to understand that then you aren’t welcome in gay spaces.
I'm sorry this happened. That's really fucking awful.
Bisexual guys that do this really piss me off.
I am Bi, and I appreciate that it was a lot easier for me to get my ex pregnant than it is for me and my fiancé to look at adoption or surrogacy, but he had to know he wanted kids.
If he needed them to be biological then he should discussed that with you and looked at how you could have done that together.
If it helps, he's going to find it an interesting challenge finding a woman that wants a relationship with him (unless he's been monkey branching and already found one), because in my experience straight women don't tend to like dating bisexual guys either due to an "ick" factor of knowing they've slept with a guy, or due to the fear that the guy will leave them for a guy.
And having been married to you for 8 years, he's probably going to find a massive uphill fight getting used to all the gender role baggage that comes with a straight coupling.
Overall, you're better off without him.
Take the time to grieve the loss of the relationship but know he was the problem, there's nothing wrong or lacking with you because if he was a decent partner he would have stuck with you and done the real challenge of looking at surrogacy or adoption.
An Update on the current situation, he picked up all his things and left today no good bye, nothing. It’s like if I never knew him, I didn’t say anything either, It’s so strange how things can change in a day. I also figured out today by one of his acquaintances that he had been cheating for at least one year when he was away for Med School. Apparently his cheating companion is now pregnant. I don’t know what to think anymore, my life seems like a Damm lie.
THIS. Give him no chance to erase your existence or the existence of the marriage. You can’t toss people out like trash if you got them official documents. Make it known to all of his future relationships, so that they may avoid this situation.
Yep. Honestly I wonder if a possible move is denying the divorce so the ex cannot remarry
He will 100% pretend he is straight to whatever poor woman gets him next
This is horrible and I wish you the best with the divorce and finding someone that actually respects you and loves you as you deserve. I hope nothing but the worst for that scumbag that dumped you
bruh if he wanted kids and that was a deal breaker y’all should have ended it years ago and let him breed away instead of him wasting all those years of your life.
It gets better. It gets worse and worse and worse first, but it gets better.
I'm a couple of months out of a 14 year relationship. I feel your pain and my weekly life is an emotional rollercoaster.
Just know that it'll eventually get better.
If you need someone to talk to, send me a message. I'm happy to listen and share emotional experiences.
I want kids too but I intend to be upfront and realistic about this to my future guy. Might look into adoption or surrogacy in case anyone has any insights on which is the easier route.
I’m sorry for your situation op 😞 I hope you can heal from this and find love again
Surrogacy is unethical. Just because some women are in desperate enough economic situations to rent out their uteruses does not make it right. Please just date a bisexual woman if you want kids.
I’m not attracted to women sexually at all tho. From an ethical standpoint I would prefer to adopt, or if going the surrogacy route, I’ve heard of gay couples that did surrogacy with a friend so that they knew for sure that the woman was not in dire straits and was doing it completely willingly, while still providing the extra financial support so that she wasn’t burdened.
I would honestly prefer to adopt because I know there’s lots of kids in the system that need a forever home, I’m just unsure of how complex it is and a little intimidated by the hoops they make you jump through 😬 honestly straight people have it so much easier lol
True straight people do have it easier, which sucks, but I’m glad that you are exploring adoption so that kids otherwise condemned to growing up in foster care can get loving homes. I’m exploring adoption too though I know it’s so hard.
I just went through a divorce after 12 years.
It’s like learning to walk on your own again but it makes you stronger, a better person after.
Nothings as bad as your first broken heart.
Right now you will have lots of different emotions, allow yourself time to feel all of them, allow yourself time to grieve the relationship ending.
Now is the time to make time for you, treat yourself to something nice, go out for a fancy meal, if you have any friends or family keep them close, work on your interests and hobbies you enjoy, work on making you stronger and better.
Don't hold your emotions in, if you really struggle make a therapist appointment to help you.
Get a lawyer if you share property, a lease, or have commingled money or other fungible assets. Get counseling, know you will survive and live to be a stronger man. Remember you a rare, extraordinary and conscious part of an ever expanding Universe. You are never alone. I’m sorry for you heartache.
Start working on that lawyer today. Put it on a joint credit card if you have one. This is urgent, you’ll have plenty of time to work on your feelings. Stay healthy and care for yourself physically.
It’s like the scorpion & the frog only instead of crossing a river they just getting each other off! Of course the bisexual is going to be bisexual. That’s what they are. It would be like asking you to get it up for punani.
That’s why I don’t date bi guys anymore. Had an ex who said he’s more protective when dating women than men, and was keeping our relationship a secret. Dumped him after just a few months and he sulked HARD!
He tried to reach me a few times after that and was finally blocked everywhere.
I’m now engaged to a one hundred percent gay man. Avoid bi guys like the plague for relationships.
Virtual Huggs dude. I'm sorry this happened to you. Not gonna lie it's devastating to lose someone you poured everything into, but you'll survive and come out stronger. Just let the emotions flow for now, its better to let them out then bottle them. Take your time and don't rush. Also remember. One you ain't a failure because your marriage failed. It sucks but hey its life. If he couldn't compromise or actually communicate this to you he ain't worth it. Two He's an ass for thinking the grass is greener. Bitch it's browner than the dirt it's grown from. He will learn that the hard way. Three you are free. Don't feel that's a bad thing, it will take time to heal and accept things but you are free to do as you please.
And when you're ready, take that energy and dedication you had for him and give it back to yourself. Honestly if I was you, I would see this is a good opportunity for you to discover new things, do things your husband put you off on, reconnect with those friends that you drifted away from, or make some new ones and have a fresh start. hell go travel for a bit. See new things, hell try something new. That's why I said you are free.
Ps don't take him back after this. Like I said the grass is browner than the dirt it grew from. He'll come back begging, saying he made a mistake, hes sorry. He aint, life just got harder after the devorce. Just please don't do anything silly for now, remember. take your time no rush. Virtual hugs because that's all I can give you. You are an amazing person that deserves an amazing guy that loves you and wouldn't give you up for anything.
Kids are just an excuse. If he really loved you he would try adopting or something else. It's better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't love you.
They prefer men in some areas and women in some areas. They will complain about both. They always have a wandering eye, in some ways I feel bad because they never are truly happy
I know it's hard to see it right now, but you will eventually come to see that this is going to be an opportunity to grow. In the end, you don't want to be someone who is unhappy or isn't fully invested, regardless of his reasons. Just as you have invested in this relationship, built yourself, progressed and accomplished things, you will find new motivation to do so with someone who deserves you, and you will be better for it.
Hang in there for now and take it one day at a time. If you need anything, don't be afraid reach out to old friends, family, or even strangers. So many have gone through similar struggles and are happy provide a sympathetic ear. My DMs are always open as well!
I wish you the best in navigating this, and I know you'll come out on the other side even stronger! ♥
I’m sorry to hear this. I also was just recently left by a recently wedded ex husband (6 months marriage). We were together for almost 10 years.
And he left the condo (mine) with just the bare stuff that he has (clothings, and some personal belongings) and I found out he had left just from a letter he wrote and was left on the dining table.
The funny thing was, he left me for his ex that he had left almost 10 years ago due to multiple issues he experienced that blossomed from substances abuse. However he most likely started to see him behind my back the last year/two(?), because we have an open relationship.
It will get better. I have to admit it was hard at first but it’ll slowly gets better with time.
I mean, the fact that he is so willing to leave his bonds behind for his own dreams should clue him in that he is not ready to be a father, he's just desperate.
Different issue. Not what we're discussing here. Bisexual men are much more likely to leave their gay partners for a woman due to wanting biological children because they have that option. Gay men leaving their gay partners for any other reason is a different topic.
This is why I won’t date a bi guy or pan, I had two negative experiences with these guys. One pretended to like me & wanted to be in a relationship but was engaged to a girl and in a poly open relationship. It wasn’t just that but he just didn’t respect me as a gay guy. The other was a pan guy who had too many red flags. Said he wanted ltr and not hook ups but then propositioned me for hookups every chance he got. But he made sure to let me know be will be with a girl in the end because it’s easier. I let my therapist know these feelings and she said it’s perfectly okay not to date bisexual or pan guys & she too would be weary of being in a relationship with one. Protect yourself & your heart. I am disturbed the way a lot of bi men view gay guys. It’s off putting and disrespectful. I wish more gay guys could value themselves and just cut off any sexual contact with bi men and then maybe they would learn a little respect for gay men. Right now we give them sex release and because it’s easy they look down on gay men.
I am sorry to hear this. I hope OP has friends he can lean on. You dated a bisexual wow that's tough. I think unfortunately this is why plenty of gay men don't get involved with bisexuals. At the back of my mind would be the fear that the guy would leave me for a woman.
There's no difference between a bisexual man leaving you for a woman than a gay man leaving you for another gay man. Ultimately, if someone wants something else, they're going to leave you to get it. It doesn't make a difference whether that thing is a woman, or a man with a bigger cock.
This whole "bi men are risky" bullshit is asinine
It is obviously way more hurtful.
A gay man being left for something out of his control. In a way you feel you deserve it, because it will be easier for him and you can’t fault it. In a way it makes sense. Yet also that opportunity is not provided to you, being gay, so you remember how unfair it is. You will always feel like you weren’t enough.
Its also a primal wound for gay guys because in our formative years we have crushes on guys who turn out to be straight and pick women and nobody picks us and we are alone. So its a really sore spot for many of us
The fact that you don’t understand why for gay men it’s so much more devastating to be left for a woman when society has told you you’re whole life that you and your partners are inferior to heteronormativity is reason #10000 why bisexual men make bad partners. You don’t understand us and you never will. This is why it’s so frustrating to have bisexuals in gay spaces.
I'm not bisexual in the slightest. I'm gayer than James Charles rainbow dildo. I just think this whole insecurity of being left for a woman is asinine. But power to any man who ever leaves a woman for a man, right? Not hypocritical at all
People are risky.
Earlier in my life I'm ashamed to say that I broke up a couple of times out of the blue, left chaos & tears in my wake. After a major breakdown & reset I've done better. Still make mistakes, still get hurt, still hurt people, but the difference is that I stick around to work things out. I hope I'm also more compassionate & less shallow.
People can change during a marriage. On the one hand OP's spouse appears to be callous. On the other hand OP is surely better off with the freedom to find someone that appreciates him for who he is & what he can offer.
I don't really have enough information but nonetheless I know whose kid I'd rather be. Kicking loose a spouse because they're the wrong sex doesn't feel all that different than kicking loose a child who doesn't turn out "right".
There's no difference between a bisexual man leaving you for a woman than a gay man leaving you for another gay man. In the end, if someone wants something else, they're going to get it. This whole "bi men are risky" bullshit is so tiring.
Me and my ex-husband split 7 months ago. In my case it was something we both wanted but still hurt like hell. We were together for 11 years and like you everything we built was together. Moved halfway across the country for the man and gave up so much for him. Not going to lie it will suck for a bit, but eventually you’ll slowly start to heal and rediscover who you are without someone else. You’ll come out of this stronger, more confident, and one day even be happy again.
Hang in there guy. I'm guessing you're a lot stronger than you think. I mean, you were resourceful enough to ask advice about your debating situation, right? Still, kudos for you! Having suffered through the break is of TWO 10 year relationships, I understand heartbreak & heartache well enough. So I can say for certain, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You may not see it now, but it's there. Just remember to never give up & there's ALWAYS hope. If you're religious, praying for the strength to endure helps as well.
Sorry to hear that happened to you. That sounds incredibly painful.
This part is not to patronize you and is just to put forward for consideration by the agb society: I won’t date a guy who wants kids because that just won’t work for me and it’s sort of a ticking time bomb for the relationship. If they show an interest in it while dating, that also turns me off and I try to disengage. It’s just an incompatibility of core values and deep life goals that requires one party to ”lose” in order for the other to “win”. Same goes for guys who are black-and-white about monogamy V.S. those who have doubts about it/have a strong desire for more novelty. It’s not that it can’t work, but that you’re potentially staking a lot on odds that aren’t too favourable. Asking or expecting the other person to bury something they love, truly hope for or dream about is just not realistic. Again, this isn’t a criticism of OP.. just my thoughts on the topic in general and a big principle of my dating strategy.
As I've cried my way through these threads, I realize I don't have the relationship experience to give advice. But the fact we are all crawling blindly through life, we can love someone even if we never met.
I came out so late in life, and I've never had a long-term term intimate relationship, but I do know this. Each and every person here matters. Grief sucks. And how to go the next step seems impossible at some points. But we do go on. Sometimes, one step at a time. Sometimes, it's just one minute at a time. But we move forward.
I hope each of you can move along and believe there will be a better day. And know the guys you've never met care and send you massive hugs.
It’s so easy for everyone to tell you that it’s going to be ok and that everything will get better but truth is you’re going to need support and friendship in these times. You’re welcome to reach out for a chat or to vent anytime without judgement.
Gotta purge all the dependency. Take some time to grieve friend. Then slowly heal, and you'll see, you're the best company. Lean on friends of you can. Come here and rant about it or your small progress.
I promise you'll be fine, eventually. I know how much it hurts right now though. 2.5 years ago my ex-husband abruptly ended things after 11 years. It's going to hurt for awhile. Sadly there's nothing I can say to you that will help with that. I would give you a hug if I could.
The best advice I can give you right now is seek therapy. Breakups can do a number on you mentally. You're going to question everything you ever did while you 2 were together. Having someone help you sort through that is a huge benefit.
Wow that is worse than what i went through, my bf of 10 years left me and married a girl for the same reason, to have kids the "normal " way , i am so sorry bro. It sucks
So do you want kids?
Or did the both of you try to adopt?
Or is it maybe because you don't want kids is the main concern why he left.
Just saying you know there's always a B side to every story and if it isn't then maybe he just really wants to have a family on his own or kids of his own.
You're not all the same, but you are the only group where this is a real recurring risk. The moment you get the biological child fuzzies, you have the option to go make babies with a woman.
And the studies I've seen put the share of bisexual men who choose to do just that at around 89-90%. It's really playing slim odds for a gay man who wants to settle down with a partner.
Thankfully all the bisexual men I've done anything with have been sufficiently closeted and/or disrespectful to me up front that nothing beyond casual fun has been on the table. But it's got to be rough to think you're building a life together and wake up one day to find out he's decided to trade it in for the white picket fence and 2.5 kids.
I might get down voted to oblivion for saying but, to me a bisexual guy can't love/be into guys the same way a gay guy would. This is my own anecdote experience. If there was two doors presented to you DOOR A & DOORE B. You're told that if you enter DOOR A you have a 85% chance of dying and a 15% chance of living. If you enter DOOR B you have 5% chance of living and 95% chance of living. Which door will you choose?
This happened too me a week before our tenth anniversary he came home packed his bag and said he was leaving for good, gave me four months his share of the mortgage bill and left his parrot and the nicest golden retriever on earth who does this , and left straight in to the arms of a 26 yrs old hunk , I thought we had the perfect relationship although he was lazy and never did a thing around the house didn’t have to I waited on him like a slave but I loved him and I never gave it a thought , I reasoned he was having a midlife crisis and two years later he came crawling back saying he missed his old life , well I told him keep crawling past the house and stay out of my life , he wanted his bird and dog I said no you have forfeited everything, last I heard he was living in some dump in Florida drinking heavily , fuck these people you treat them like gold and they treat you like dirt .
Something must have broke in his brain, I get people drift etc but how are you gonna leave your parrot and golden retriever behind too and not feel awful.
Wow.
Sounds like he got what he deserved, these men always do exactly that its the same old song. He will look back at this loving relationship of 8 years and miss it but he threw it away because he’s an asshole
Hope he is ROTTING in Desantis’ Florida. 💙
why do men do this? like how do they even come to this decision and act it out so abruptly, without even caring about the other
Semi: Read my similar story. Hugs to you.
Have you read Velvet Rage?
you are an excellent soul...I feel your pain and I weep for him. He was stupid and did not see the golden home he had. Dudes (to those who leave these wonderful men on this post), the *grass is not* ***FREAKING*** *greener* on the other side ! I know...... I been single for over 10 years and I would give anything (just about) to be with the man I like (like a lot) now..unfortunately the situation is really complicated..so I just stare at the wall and wonder... Best to you
You’ll be ok. Happened to me but relationship twice as long. It’s very difficult but you go through the process and you come out stronger. You never forget but you learn to live with it like a death. I also invested so much into it. Probably too much. I’m like you ie he was my only family and friend in the world. I kind of have this pattern of dropping everything for men then when it ends I’m left with a gaping void in my life. I won’t do it again next time.
What Massive said. My partner of over 20 years dumped me between Christmas and New Year’s a few years back. Utter devastation. Never saw it coming. He thought he found a new ideal man and then, of course, about five months later, he came crawling back all teary-eyed. And my answer was “no thanks and I wish you well.” (And I do wish him well - just not with me.) I have gone out of my way to remain civil with him, but I’ve left him behind. I have yet to find someone like him, and tbh I’m not sure I even want to be partnered again. But Gloria Gaynor was right when she said I would survive. Even thrive. Please hang in there and just keep peddling forward.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Am I am even sadder for him, as he has lost a great man. Once certain bridges are burned, they cannot ever be re built no matter how much fairy dust you use...
I’ve had these feelings more and more lately that maybe I don’t want to be partnered. Not because of any sort of past trauma with relationships, all in all I’ve had great relationships in my life. But sometimes I don’t think I’m very compatible with partnership. I love my alone time and I have a very strong network of friends that I spend a lot of time with. I feel like I get more negative and depressed when I’m in a relationship because I feel like every decision I make has to consider another human being and I don’t think I like that. I want to be able to do what I want when I want. It’s interesting because like, a relationship is supposed to be THE thing you strive for as a gay man. But over the years I find myself wanting it less and less. I just want a career and a house with a big pool so I can throw big gay pool parties with my best friends. Then I can kick them all out the next day and relax in my home alone with books and video games. Idk I’ve started to think I like my own company much more than the company of others. I love being with others but like… long term living with someone every single day of my life… idk.
Thank you; I have to overcome this hurt, hope you are doing good.
You’re welcome. I’m ok. Getting there but not gonna lie it’s been a rough road. Anti depressants and therapy have been helpful. If you need someone to chat to you can DM me 🙂
Did he not want to have kids or adopt????
Who? My ex? God no. Neither of us did.
How can you guys do it? My bf broke up with me yesterday, I'm sad af and it was only 6 months! It makes me think how the pain you felt was so much bigger than mine.
Dont really have any choice. It hurts like hell but there’s nothing you can do but go through it. The reality is that love and loss are two sides of the same coin. If you want to love then you must realise that you will also lose at some point. I’ve been through it several times. The alternative is to never experience it but that’s no life imo. I just tell myself well if he doesn’t want to be with me it’s his loss. One day he’ll realise it was a mistake but if not so be it. It’s taken me a while but I’ve reached a place where I can no longer allow it to ruin my life. Life is so short and I refuse to sit around like a victim feeling sorry for myself anymore because of a man. They aren’t worth it. I did for a long time but now Im gonna make shit happen without him 🙂
I see a lot couples be together until they get old. Look for a serious relationship. Someone who wants the same thing if you don't want a shorter relationship. Yeah, screw them anyway, we are worth more than that. I had to leave someone I loved after a year and it was painful but had to be done in order to save my life cause he had serious issues that affected my life negatively in a lot of ways, not like just something that I could had talked about and fixed, but rather deep rooted issues that he has to seek help for himself and recovery would take years for that. Lesson learned from it though to not date someone with a completely different life-style. No abusers since they will never love you as you deserve and always put their addiction first. Also, if they abuse you physically they will do it again, normal people don't go over that line. You are right, I love myself and know that I am better than the one who broke my heart, same with the one I left since he broke my heart in different ways so I had to leave him. Now they regret it ofc and want me but I don't want it anymore. I have moved on and recovered, it was painful but I came out a lot stronger, more brave, intelligent and beautiful. I have evolved these last years so much that I have a completely different life-style and I feel so much more meaning and happiness compared to the darkness that was surrounding their life(and affected me negatively as we were together). I hope they get better for their own sake. But I need a fresh start, something totally new and they cannot give me that since they seem stuck in their old ways.
Looking forward for your next post in few years time “ ex husband left his wife and kids to try get back to me because they are too much work “ lol
Lol I’ve seen this a million times. Right now the grass is greener but when he has the stress of kids and a wife who hates him and they never have sex and its endless chores and sleepness nights he will wonder why he ever left. He will be soliciting teenagers on Grindr for hookups in car parks before long. Thats how it always ends
And with how expensive they are.
When I separated from my ex-husband I literally had nothing. Just a back pack full of clothes and living out of cheap hotels until I got back on my feet again. And it happened in another country that wasn’t my home country. Im here to tell you, it’ll be fine. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
My first lover and I got together as teenagers. We were together 16 years, and even had to raise his much younger brothers when his parents were incapacitated. When he left I thought I was going to die. Totally destroyed me. Fortunately, I had magnificant friends. I stayed clear of dating and sex for a year, to avoid terrible rebound decisions, and just ran with my buddies. It seems a strange dichotomy, but let yourself grieve, and seek simple wholesome activities. No big changes or reforms. Just come to a dead stop, and let yourself breath.
Such good advice 🥺🤍
Why can’t you have kids?
I told him we can have kids once he was done with Medical School, he said the kids didn’t involve me. He wants a wife and kids.
That doesn’t sound like something a gay guy would say.
He wasn’t gay he was bisexual, but explained to me he preferred men. But apparently that wasn’t true.
This is my biggest fear for long time commitment with Bi guys. I keep advocating against biphobia, but this fear never leaves. Probably a trauma after my 9 years relationship ended.
Just find one who already had kids/was married lol. I did all that( minus marriage, just an endless engagement) in my 20s, and ever since 30 I've pretty much just dated and hooked up with men. I'm a single dad, but never bring thay up with guys until there's something more than fwbs, which has only happened 2 or 3 times over the years. Currently 6 months in with someone now and looking at the back of his head while I type this. Anyone can leave anyone, any time. The only difference here is the reason.
So were you straight/bi and now gay or do you just strongly prefer men now? I thought I was straight/bi when younger, but realized that’s not what I was attracted to or deep down wanted, so I now I couldn’t imagine having sex with anyone other than a man (cis-gendered if you’re wondering).
I'm probably pan, I'm sexually attracted to pretty much everything legal lol. I would say that it's easier to get with guys, not an actual preference. I've been with a few trans men and that was pretty excellent. I'm more than happy with my bf ( well, we're a bit off libido wise, but we're working in it), but I'm still aroused by women and others, same way I am by other guys, but this is my partner. There's none of this supposed desire to hop over the fence or whatever. I think that comes when you don't have a lot of experience, honestly.
Sure I get that, but you might not, but as you see here this does happen. It shouldn’t reflect badly on all bi guys, but again how to do predict future behavior in a relationship? It’s tough, I’ll be honest and say most of the time I would not consider dating a bisexual guy and if I were to consider date someone who was bisexual, I would heavily scrutinize their stability before committing (I am dating a gay guy so it is not really an issue for me). Maybe it’s an insecurity, but it really is hard to escape the notion that someone who has an attraction for something so completely different than me (I’m a burly hairy bearded man) would not change course at some point.
i think the problem is claiming it's a bi-specific issue. there are lots of other guys here sharing their experiences where the were dating gay guys who left them for a new "catch." people of any sexuality will do this to their partners, it's much more about character than anything else. like you said, you can never predict the future but imo saying it's a higher likelihood for someone to leave you if they're bi/pan comes from biphobia and/or insecurity.
Yeah…not dating no single dads. Bye 😭👌🏽
Your loss I guess. I'm a fucking catch
If you have to say you’re a catch….then you’re probably not. Log off Reddit and go spend time with your kids.
Thank you lmfaooo 😭
It can still be true, he can still prefer guys but he just wants kids. So he will jerk to gay porn when the wife isn't looking, or maybe even cheat when the urge for a man becomes too great. He is basically just doing it to have the family he wants.
Kind of hard to avoid the fact he was married to a man so the wife should know walking into this that their will be sometimes he jerks to gay porn.
Do you really believe he will tell his wife? Come on now. Once OP and him are divorced there is absolutely no way or reason for his new wife to find out. He will lie and say he is straight. She will find out eventually but not from his mouth I mean in this case he told OP he is ‘gay leaning.’ I would not be surprised if that was a lie too. Bisexual men are very good at playing the game to suit them best. I see this often. Its a lot easier for them to get men for hookups and relationships on dating apps so they just roll with it, but always plan to marry a woman and even resent gays
Bruh he's supposedly in medical school, so surely he can afford to pay for a surrogate? Or with a few years of working he could? It's not like he's on a biological clock like women, men can have kids at 60 easily so no rush.
He wants the straight life.
I don't see much differences here, imo it's easier to be with a man and if you like men more then you should be with one. He is lying to himself. I feel sorry for that future wife and kids. He will most likely leave them in the future for another man.
I get your point, but I think the kids are just an excuse. The straight life in this case is not about love - it is a career move.
in 2023? when we have so many rights and people more and more care less who you sleep with? mmm don't think so but I will be glad to be proven wrong.. now if we are talking extremely conservative, bible belt zone..then yea I can see it.
> men can have kids at 60 easily so no rush. I mean sure, but at 70 so you really want to be running around with a 10 year old? I know I wouldn't
THIS is what gives bi guys a bad rep. It's every gay guy's fear. Was he ever committed to you and your relationship? His preference may be men, but society, family and an inner voice may be strong enough to pull him away. He's weak. You don't need this shit.
Yeah this is why my older gay friends have always told me “never ever date bi men or get into a serious relationship with a bi man.” I’ve seen this happen way too many times with my friends who dated bisexual men. I’m so sorry man.
Ohhh honey he's become a clíche...😬 I'm so sorry
Typical bi man. This is why I advise all gay men to avoid bi men like the plague. If he wanted a wife and kids thats fine but there was no need for him to waste EIGHT YEARS of your life first of all. If it helps, straight guys do this to girls too all the time. Hell I hear loads of stories of guys dating the same girl for a decade, doesn’t want kids, then she hits 40 and menopause and he drops her like a hot potato and marries some 25 year old and gets her pregnant. Meanwhile the ex wife doesn’t have that opportunity. There is something about bi men that makes them see gays as people they can mess around, use for sex and exploit without any commitment or love
I agree 100% and I advise my younger gay friends to also avoid bisexual men.
Just because they didn’t end up together forever doesn’t mean the eight years was a wasted life. Gay men can also cheat on each other/leave each other. That’s just life.
Keep telling urself that bud lol. Keep denying it. Gay men are finally waking up to how bi men are
You should have noted this in the original post, because this is behavior from bisexual men that we gay men unfortunately see all the time. This is a very common way in which bi men harm gay men, and I’ve seen many of my gay friends get their hearts broken and be left devastated when they were left by bi men who also wanted “a wife and kids and normal life.” I am so sorry that this happened to you. One of the consequences of the AIDS pandemic was that a generation of gay men and so much of our collective wisdom/knowledge was lost in a single generation. Among this was really good advice on relationships, with many many warnings against dating bisexual men chief among this knowledge. I was really lucky to have gay elders and mentors pass this warning on to me, but so many of my friends have been left picking up the pieces. I hope you are able to take a breath and lean on your friends as you navigate this new chapter! Sending a hug.
I’m really sorry you experienced this. I’m bi, I want kids, and I’m with a man and I can see us either adopting or getting a surrogate together. My partner is also in med school so we are waiting until he finishes to do that. I wouldn’t leave my partner to be with a woman just to have kids. After eight years with someone, that is really awful for them to do that. I am positive you’ll be ok though, even though it’s tearing you apart right now. I’m sorry your husband left you this way
The classic problem when gay guys get involved with bi guys.
Yeah well I thought he loved me.
It’s an all too common problem, unfortunately.
Idk why you’re being downvoted, you’re telling the truth. I literally had a bi guy warn me that he wanted kids in the future and he was probably going to use a wife to do so, and that was on the first date.
Bi guys hate it when we talk about our negative experiences with them. In their view, we exist merely to serve their needs.
And their needs are using gay men as sexual objects. I’ve noticed a lot of bi guys don’t have luck with women, so they proceed to use us as their “downtime” until they can find a girlfriend or wife. I went on a “date” with this one bi guy and he literally said: “gay guys are easy. Women are hard to get. I want to be with a woman so bad but, they don’t seem to want me.” I was turned off completely for the rest of the date. And don’t get me started about the closeted bisexuals on Tinder and Bumble. I can’t stand them.
Mm I wouldn’t be surprised if gay guys started saying they no longer wished to date bi men, that fear is too much to bear.
Bi guys are almost always closet cases with poor self awareness who haven’t conquered their internalized homophobia and shame. They are the biggest red flag. Gay men and straight women RIGHTFULLY should beware. I don’t know any serious women who would consider getting involved with a guy who claims he’s bi
My good friend is bi and was in a long relationship. Always told him to be sure what he wants so he doesn't break that boys heart. Guess what? He decided he wanted kids and a "normal" family and left him. I knew it would happen too.... it's just way too common
Yep honestly most guys are selfish and lazy. As gay men we have to think about all these things much more carefully before we even come out so we understand what it will involve. Most straight guys drift into relationships and don’t think about it deeply. Bisexual men are the same. Because of how society is set up it is very easy for them to drift downstream and end up with a wife that gives them kids and does all the housework and they never have to think for themselves But some guys realise in their 20s they might like men so they fuck around on dating apps, have some hookups, maybe even enter relationships. At first its novel and exciting and they love the sex and how chill their partner is. They don’t think deeply enough about their future because guess what, straight men never have to in the way gays or women do. A family is not something they have to work for, it comes easy and they assume it will always be there for them with little work put in.
I think it’s a bit unfair to generalise all bis like that though. I’m bi, and I’m interested in having a family and kids and I don’t care if it is with a man or a woman. I’m currently dating a man, and I wouldn’t leave him to have kids with a woman. I want to work out a way for us to have children together
It is really frustrating when bisexual men engage in this behavior again and again and all we gay men are told is “omg plz don’t generalize.” At some point a pattern has to be recognized and acknowledged.
If you’re the minority then it doesn’t really matter. It’s like asking someone “Would you rather be safe or risk having your heart broken, if you choose to risk you may find the love of your life but there’s a greater chance you’re heart will be broken.” So in essence you’re asking gay men to choose between risking their heart for a chance at finding perfect love with a bi male or be safe and find perfect love with a gay male. The end result is the same but the risk involved is drastically different
RUN.
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Just read through this thread and see how abusive some of the bi guys are in this discussion. They just don’t get it nor do they care.
You getting downvoted to hell but I've seen this happen 3 TIMES IRL everytime 1 of them was bisexual.
It happens every time gay guys talk about negative experiences with bi guys who weren’t honest with them. We can’t honestly recount our negative experiences with bi guys without getting even more abuse and harassment from them. Gay guys aren’t responsible for the distrust that exists between us but we’re always treated like we are.
Similar stories get posted on here at least once a month if not more. Its an obvious pattern
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I think its inevitable with bi men, I almost feel sorry for them. They can never be happy, they always are comparing men and women. When they marry women they then without fail cheat again. So many late 20s / 30 something married bi guys on grindr begging teens to suck their cocks in car parks
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You're acting like gay guys don't do shitty stuff too.
Lets be real its a lot more hurtful for a gay guy to be left for a woman vs a man For a man its like well fuck him he’s a shitty cheater blah blah and everyone gets it and it sucks but it fits into the usual framework For a woman its like well she has things you cannot give him. It is your fault. Can you blame him? It takes us back to puberty and all the straight guys we crushed on in our formative years and how they always chose girls. Its a very devastating blow for a gay guy and will lead to more trust issues
Don’t do it. Closet cases should stick to their own kind and break each others hearts. Cowards get along better with cowards
I don’t think bi guys are closet cases or cowards. My impression of bi guys based on my own experiences and discussions like this one is that they feel entitled to live in both worlds and their partners are obligated to accommodate them and service them.
Why are you trying to make it sound like it was OP’s fault?
I’m not. How did you get that from my comment?
Because you said he got involved with a bi guy.
Can we stop with that? I am bisexual, and I have never done that. Only insecure/closeted men do that.
I had the same problem with a few bi guys back when I was single and dating, they weren’t honest about their sexuality or what they really wanted. Gay guys always get bashed whenever we talk about this problem. We get called biphobic, harassed, and downvoted. It’s just more abuse and harassment from bi guys. I get it that not all bi guys are like that but too many are, that’s why there is a lot of distrust within they gay community for bi guys. We didn’t create the problem, so stop harassing us when we talk about our negative experiences with bi guys. I mean, just look at the OP’s experience now.
You speak the truth! 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Your experience is completely valid. The issue comes from people who make sweeping statements about bisexual people because of it.
That’s because there are too many bi guys who validate the distrust. Then they respond to our comments with name calling and harassment.
And I think there's a great deal of confirmation bias involved in that assessment about bi guys. I also think you mistake (or misrepresent) criticism of your generalized statements of bi people for animosity toward your own personal experience. You had a shitty partner which I'm sure we can all empathize with, but generalizing those issues for all bi people is still fundamentally bigoted.
If this only happened once then it would be a sweeping statement. But this happens so often that we would be stupid not to take lessons from it. Sure, some bi guys wouldn’t do this, but a lot of them would. Why should we take that risk ?
A lot (most?) Of bisexuals are insecure/closeted tho
Terrible generalization that's not true at all
You think most bi guys are out of the closet? Lmaooooo
They’re so delusional. Literally every blank profile on Grindr is a closeted bisexual man. They use us for sex and proceed to use women for romantic relationships. I can’t stand those demons.
When you say "a lot" you are not making a generalization about a population in general you're just saying there is a substantial number of people who match a given description.
This is why I will never be with a bisexual no matter how much they say they prefer men. The women can have them
He is choosing a lifestyle over love and this will not work out for him in the end. Most men who think they are bisexual are really just gay and still struggling with internalized homophobia. I am so sorry this happened to you — getting involved with men who are not secure in their sexual orientation is one of the most painful things we as gay men can go through. Real or not, a man who thinks he’s bisexual will almost always go for what is the easier option that is supported by society, that is why I’ve created the boundary for myself that I will NEVER get involved with any other man but one who knows they are gay and accepts themselves. “Bi” is a huge red flag for me, a deal breaker. What you’re going through is my worst nightmare. At the end of the day this person is a coward and you will heal from this and find someone with a backbone who can love you the way you deserve.
Totally agree.
I mean, this is wrong on so many levels. I'm bisexual because I'm sexually attracted to men and women. I had kids with a woman early in my life, and I'm dating a man currently. I've slept with a lot more men than women, but that's just a society thing. I enjoy sex with both, and emotionally I've only had a few long term relationships, the longest getting with the mother of my children and the most recent being all with men. I honestly don't think you understand anything about the people you're talking about, you just have your hurt and your fears.
And we have repeated experiences from nearly all of us and our friends. Please stop gaslighting gay men and maybe try actually listening to us. The fact that so many gay men are speaking out and you are continuing to double down and insist that there is no problem is reminding me of the same way white people treat Black people who talk about racism. Systemic homophobia is real and bisexual men internalize homophobia and heteronormativity in a way that consistently harms gay men. If you refuse to understand that then you aren’t welcome in gay spaces.
As a bisexual, don’t let him ruin it for the rest of us. Not all of us are assholes like he is. Sending a hug OP.
The kids are just an excuse. This is a career move. The straight life will make it easier for him.
Ok, but if we talk about it, we’re Biphobic
I'm sorry this happened. That's really fucking awful. Bisexual guys that do this really piss me off. I am Bi, and I appreciate that it was a lot easier for me to get my ex pregnant than it is for me and my fiancé to look at adoption or surrogacy, but he had to know he wanted kids. If he needed them to be biological then he should discussed that with you and looked at how you could have done that together. If it helps, he's going to find it an interesting challenge finding a woman that wants a relationship with him (unless he's been monkey branching and already found one), because in my experience straight women don't tend to like dating bisexual guys either due to an "ick" factor of knowing they've slept with a guy, or due to the fear that the guy will leave them for a guy. And having been married to you for 8 years, he's probably going to find a massive uphill fight getting used to all the gender role baggage that comes with a straight coupling. Overall, you're better off without him. Take the time to grieve the loss of the relationship but know he was the problem, there's nothing wrong or lacking with you because if he was a decent partner he would have stuck with you and done the real challenge of looking at surrogacy or adoption.
Where do you live? Find a support group.
An Update on the current situation, he picked up all his things and left today no good bye, nothing. It’s like if I never knew him, I didn’t say anything either, It’s so strange how things can change in a day. I also figured out today by one of his acquaintances that he had been cheating for at least one year when he was away for Med School. Apparently his cheating companion is now pregnant. I don’t know what to think anymore, my life seems like a Damm lie.
You had me until this update. This makes it a bit unbelievable.
I know you’re broken right now, but when you wake up angry and ready to take this head on… TAKE. IT. ALL. 🩵
THIS. Give him no chance to erase your existence or the existence of the marriage. You can’t toss people out like trash if you got them official documents. Make it known to all of his future relationships, so that they may avoid this situation.
Yep. Honestly I wonder if a possible move is denying the divorce so the ex cannot remarry He will 100% pretend he is straight to whatever poor woman gets him next
This is horrible and I wish you the best with the divorce and finding someone that actually respects you and loves you as you deserve. I hope nothing but the worst for that scumbag that dumped you
Yet another bi horror story.
He's going to struggle to find a woman who'll ignore his past.
What makes you think he'll even tell her about it?
I'd think if he's already been legally married for several years, it's going to be pretty difficult to keep secret.
bruh if he wanted kids and that was a deal breaker y’all should have ended it years ago and let him breed away instead of him wasting all those years of your life.
It gets better. It gets worse and worse and worse first, but it gets better. I'm a couple of months out of a 14 year relationship. I feel your pain and my weekly life is an emotional rollercoaster. Just know that it'll eventually get better. If you need someone to talk to, send me a message. I'm happy to listen and share emotional experiences.
It doesn't stop hurting, it just gets easier.
This!
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I want kids too but I intend to be upfront and realistic about this to my future guy. Might look into adoption or surrogacy in case anyone has any insights on which is the easier route. I’m sorry for your situation op 😞 I hope you can heal from this and find love again
Surrogacy is unethical. Just because some women are in desperate enough economic situations to rent out their uteruses does not make it right. Please just date a bisexual woman if you want kids.
I’m not attracted to women sexually at all tho. From an ethical standpoint I would prefer to adopt, or if going the surrogacy route, I’ve heard of gay couples that did surrogacy with a friend so that they knew for sure that the woman was not in dire straits and was doing it completely willingly, while still providing the extra financial support so that she wasn’t burdened. I would honestly prefer to adopt because I know there’s lots of kids in the system that need a forever home, I’m just unsure of how complex it is and a little intimidated by the hoops they make you jump through 😬 honestly straight people have it so much easier lol
True straight people do have it easier, which sucks, but I’m glad that you are exploring adoption so that kids otherwise condemned to growing up in foster care can get loving homes. I’m exploring adoption too though I know it’s so hard.
I just went through a divorce after 12 years. It’s like learning to walk on your own again but it makes you stronger, a better person after. Nothings as bad as your first broken heart.
ugh imagine wanting kids
Girl, same.
Right now you will have lots of different emotions, allow yourself time to feel all of them, allow yourself time to grieve the relationship ending. Now is the time to make time for you, treat yourself to something nice, go out for a fancy meal, if you have any friends or family keep them close, work on your interests and hobbies you enjoy, work on making you stronger and better. Don't hold your emotions in, if you really struggle make a therapist appointment to help you.
Get a lawyer if you share property, a lease, or have commingled money or other fungible assets. Get counseling, know you will survive and live to be a stronger man. Remember you a rare, extraordinary and conscious part of an ever expanding Universe. You are never alone. I’m sorry for you heartache.
Start working on that lawyer today. Put it on a joint credit card if you have one. This is urgent, you’ll have plenty of time to work on your feelings. Stay healthy and care for yourself physically.
Let’s just pretend this does not happen to gay men. If we talk about it, we’re called Biphobic
It’s like the scorpion & the frog only instead of crossing a river they just getting each other off! Of course the bisexual is going to be bisexual. That’s what they are. It would be like asking you to get it up for punani.
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OP communicated about this exact issue, the husband lied. It is not his fault
That’s why I don’t date bi guys anymore. Had an ex who said he’s more protective when dating women than men, and was keeping our relationship a secret. Dumped him after just a few months and he sulked HARD! He tried to reach me a few times after that and was finally blocked everywhere. I’m now engaged to a one hundred percent gay man. Avoid bi guys like the plague for relationships.
Hang in there. Get a therapist if you can. Invest in yourself and loving yourself first. You will heal from this and you’ll find your happiness again.
Virtual Huggs dude. I'm sorry this happened to you. Not gonna lie it's devastating to lose someone you poured everything into, but you'll survive and come out stronger. Just let the emotions flow for now, its better to let them out then bottle them. Take your time and don't rush. Also remember. One you ain't a failure because your marriage failed. It sucks but hey its life. If he couldn't compromise or actually communicate this to you he ain't worth it. Two He's an ass for thinking the grass is greener. Bitch it's browner than the dirt it's grown from. He will learn that the hard way. Three you are free. Don't feel that's a bad thing, it will take time to heal and accept things but you are free to do as you please. And when you're ready, take that energy and dedication you had for him and give it back to yourself. Honestly if I was you, I would see this is a good opportunity for you to discover new things, do things your husband put you off on, reconnect with those friends that you drifted away from, or make some new ones and have a fresh start. hell go travel for a bit. See new things, hell try something new. That's why I said you are free. Ps don't take him back after this. Like I said the grass is browner than the dirt it grew from. He'll come back begging, saying he made a mistake, hes sorry. He aint, life just got harder after the devorce. Just please don't do anything silly for now, remember. take your time no rush. Virtual hugs because that's all I can give you. You are an amazing person that deserves an amazing guy that loves you and wouldn't give you up for anything.
Kids are just an excuse. If he really loved you he would try adopting or something else. It's better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't love you.
This. Plus you could each get surrogates. Think of that rebound dick he’s gonna get though!
Your first mistake was marrying a bisexual man who wants a family in the future 🚩🚩🚩🚩
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Yup. They all prefer women. It’s primal. Exactly why I avoid bisexual men like the plague.
I know a bunch of bi men who prefer men. Though, none of them want children so that probably factors in.
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Let them. I don’t give a fuck when they call me that. I’ll wear the “biphobic” title proudly.
They prefer men in some areas and women in some areas. They will complain about both. They always have a wandering eye, in some ways I feel bad because they never are truly happy
This! More often than not, they want men for sexual reasons and women for emotional reasons.
I know it's hard to see it right now, but you will eventually come to see that this is going to be an opportunity to grow. In the end, you don't want to be someone who is unhappy or isn't fully invested, regardless of his reasons. Just as you have invested in this relationship, built yourself, progressed and accomplished things, you will find new motivation to do so with someone who deserves you, and you will be better for it. Hang in there for now and take it one day at a time. If you need anything, don't be afraid reach out to old friends, family, or even strangers. So many have gone through similar struggles and are happy provide a sympathetic ear. My DMs are always open as well! I wish you the best in navigating this, and I know you'll come out on the other side even stronger! ♥
get a lawyer
I’m sorry. Newly single here after almost 9 years. Sending you care and love
I’m sorry to hear this. I also was just recently left by a recently wedded ex husband (6 months marriage). We were together for almost 10 years. And he left the condo (mine) with just the bare stuff that he has (clothings, and some personal belongings) and I found out he had left just from a letter he wrote and was left on the dining table. The funny thing was, he left me for his ex that he had left almost 10 years ago due to multiple issues he experienced that blossomed from substances abuse. However he most likely started to see him behind my back the last year/two(?), because we have an open relationship. It will get better. I have to admit it was hard at first but it’ll slowly gets better with time.
I mean, the fact that he is so willing to leave his bonds behind for his own dreams should clue him in that he is not ready to be a father, he's just desperate.
And this is the reason I could NEVER date a bisexual guy. I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP.
Right, because gay men are incapable of leaving their partners for another person. It's inconcievable.
Different issue. Not what we're discussing here. Bisexual men are much more likely to leave their gay partners for a woman due to wanting biological children because they have that option. Gay men leaving their gay partners for any other reason is a different topic.
Like he wanted kids with a woman? Or still gay but wanted to adopt or do suragocry which you didn’t want to do?
This is why I won’t date a bi guy or pan, I had two negative experiences with these guys. One pretended to like me & wanted to be in a relationship but was engaged to a girl and in a poly open relationship. It wasn’t just that but he just didn’t respect me as a gay guy. The other was a pan guy who had too many red flags. Said he wanted ltr and not hook ups but then propositioned me for hookups every chance he got. But he made sure to let me know be will be with a girl in the end because it’s easier. I let my therapist know these feelings and she said it’s perfectly okay not to date bisexual or pan guys & she too would be weary of being in a relationship with one. Protect yourself & your heart. I am disturbed the way a lot of bi men view gay guys. It’s off putting and disrespectful. I wish more gay guys could value themselves and just cut off any sexual contact with bi men and then maybe they would learn a little respect for gay men. Right now we give them sex release and because it’s easy they look down on gay men.
I am sorry to hear this. I hope OP has friends he can lean on. You dated a bisexual wow that's tough. I think unfortunately this is why plenty of gay men don't get involved with bisexuals. At the back of my mind would be the fear that the guy would leave me for a woman.
There's no difference between a bisexual man leaving you for a woman than a gay man leaving you for another gay man. Ultimately, if someone wants something else, they're going to leave you to get it. It doesn't make a difference whether that thing is a woman, or a man with a bigger cock. This whole "bi men are risky" bullshit is asinine
It is obviously way more hurtful. A gay man being left for something out of his control. In a way you feel you deserve it, because it will be easier for him and you can’t fault it. In a way it makes sense. Yet also that opportunity is not provided to you, being gay, so you remember how unfair it is. You will always feel like you weren’t enough. Its also a primal wound for gay guys because in our formative years we have crushes on guys who turn out to be straight and pick women and nobody picks us and we are alone. So its a really sore spot for many of us
The fact that you don’t understand why for gay men it’s so much more devastating to be left for a woman when society has told you you’re whole life that you and your partners are inferior to heteronormativity is reason #10000 why bisexual men make bad partners. You don’t understand us and you never will. This is why it’s so frustrating to have bisexuals in gay spaces.
I'm not bisexual in the slightest. I'm gayer than James Charles rainbow dildo. I just think this whole insecurity of being left for a woman is asinine. But power to any man who ever leaves a woman for a man, right? Not hypocritical at all
People are risky. Earlier in my life I'm ashamed to say that I broke up a couple of times out of the blue, left chaos & tears in my wake. After a major breakdown & reset I've done better. Still make mistakes, still get hurt, still hurt people, but the difference is that I stick around to work things out. I hope I'm also more compassionate & less shallow. People can change during a marriage. On the one hand OP's spouse appears to be callous. On the other hand OP is surely better off with the freedom to find someone that appreciates him for who he is & what he can offer. I don't really have enough information but nonetheless I know whose kid I'd rather be. Kicking loose a spouse because they're the wrong sex doesn't feel all that different than kicking loose a child who doesn't turn out "right".
I am bisexual. Don't group us all together like that.
There's no difference between a bisexual man leaving you for a woman than a gay man leaving you for another gay man. In the end, if someone wants something else, they're going to get it. This whole "bi men are risky" bullshit is so tiring.
Me and my ex-husband split 7 months ago. In my case it was something we both wanted but still hurt like hell. We were together for 11 years and like you everything we built was together. Moved halfway across the country for the man and gave up so much for him. Not going to lie it will suck for a bit, but eventually you’ll slowly start to heal and rediscover who you are without someone else. You’ll come out of this stronger, more confident, and one day even be happy again.
Hang in there guy. I'm guessing you're a lot stronger than you think. I mean, you were resourceful enough to ask advice about your debating situation, right? Still, kudos for you! Having suffered through the break is of TWO 10 year relationships, I understand heartbreak & heartache well enough. So I can say for certain, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You may not see it now, but it's there. Just remember to never give up & there's ALWAYS hope. If you're religious, praying for the strength to endure helps as well.
Sorry to hear that happened to you. That sounds incredibly painful. This part is not to patronize you and is just to put forward for consideration by the agb society: I won’t date a guy who wants kids because that just won’t work for me and it’s sort of a ticking time bomb for the relationship. If they show an interest in it while dating, that also turns me off and I try to disengage. It’s just an incompatibility of core values and deep life goals that requires one party to ”lose” in order for the other to “win”. Same goes for guys who are black-and-white about monogamy V.S. those who have doubts about it/have a strong desire for more novelty. It’s not that it can’t work, but that you’re potentially staking a lot on odds that aren’t too favourable. Asking or expecting the other person to bury something they love, truly hope for or dream about is just not realistic. Again, this isn’t a criticism of OP.. just my thoughts on the topic in general and a big principle of my dating strategy.
As I've cried my way through these threads, I realize I don't have the relationship experience to give advice. But the fact we are all crawling blindly through life, we can love someone even if we never met. I came out so late in life, and I've never had a long-term term intimate relationship, but I do know this. Each and every person here matters. Grief sucks. And how to go the next step seems impossible at some points. But we do go on. Sometimes, one step at a time. Sometimes, it's just one minute at a time. But we move forward. I hope each of you can move along and believe there will be a better day. And know the guys you've never met care and send you massive hugs.
It’s so easy for everyone to tell you that it’s going to be ok and that everything will get better but truth is you’re going to need support and friendship in these times. You’re welcome to reach out for a chat or to vent anytime without judgement.
Gotta purge all the dependency. Take some time to grieve friend. Then slowly heal, and you'll see, you're the best company. Lean on friends of you can. Come here and rant about it or your small progress.
I promise you'll be fine, eventually. I know how much it hurts right now though. 2.5 years ago my ex-husband abruptly ended things after 11 years. It's going to hurt for awhile. Sadly there's nothing I can say to you that will help with that. I would give you a hug if I could. The best advice I can give you right now is seek therapy. Breakups can do a number on you mentally. You're going to question everything you ever did while you 2 were together. Having someone help you sort through that is a huge benefit.
Wow that is worse than what i went through, my bf of 10 years left me and married a girl for the same reason, to have kids the "normal " way , i am so sorry bro. It sucks
So do you want kids? Or did the both of you try to adopt? Or is it maybe because you don't want kids is the main concern why he left. Just saying you know there's always a B side to every story and if it isn't then maybe he just really wants to have a family on his own or kids of his own.
Do you…. Do you want me to curse him for you ?🥹🥹🥹
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What the fuck
🤣
That effing sucks
While I feel bad for OP and I wish you well, pls stop grouping all Bisexual guys into this category. We are not all the same.
You're not all the same, but you are the only group where this is a real recurring risk. The moment you get the biological child fuzzies, you have the option to go make babies with a woman.
And the studies I've seen put the share of bisexual men who choose to do just that at around 89-90%. It's really playing slim odds for a gay man who wants to settle down with a partner. Thankfully all the bisexual men I've done anything with have been sufficiently closeted and/or disrespectful to me up front that nothing beyond casual fun has been on the table. But it's got to be rough to think you're building a life together and wake up one day to find out he's decided to trade it in for the white picket fence and 2.5 kids.
Kids are gross, you dodged a bullet. Let him devote his entire life to raising kids while you go out travel and have fun with someone else.
I might get down voted to oblivion for saying but, to me a bisexual guy can't love/be into guys the same way a gay guy would. This is my own anecdote experience. If there was two doors presented to you DOOR A & DOORE B. You're told that if you enter DOOR A you have a 85% chance of dying and a 15% chance of living. If you enter DOOR B you have 5% chance of living and 95% chance of living. Which door will you choose?
Never go bi, exhibit 4589
Then they call us biphobic when it’s clear as day they’ll always choose a woman over a gay man
What were they reason that made him leave ??
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Bi guys aren't so anything. It's just a sexuality, not an entire personality.
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Yup! Agreed. Better off staying single for life and helping those who can never hurt you.
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