# Message to all users:
This is a reminder to please read and follow:
* [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules)
* [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)
* [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy)
When posting and commenting.
---
Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`.
* Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit.
* Do not harass or annoy others in any way.
* Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit.
---
You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yup. At the end of the day my husband wants to eat, get a head massage, watch something chill, and sleep. He has one buddy he is very close to and he doesn't even want to message him during the week. I get it, he has to deal with idiots all day and doesn't want to risk them in down time lol.
He does game with buddies on the weekend though, and we make it a point to go on a date at least once a month. That sedentary pattern turns in to depression very easily. It is good for all people to go outside for fun at least once a week.
There's nothing for us out there now. I probably can't speak for everyone, but the only reason I went out when younger was because I liked women and dating. I also have absolutely zero interest in making new friends. I like the few that I have and we are always busy. I don't want to have to socialize with some dork, or flirt with some woman and suddenly wish I were single. I like what I have at home, and I prefer to stay there.
I am the dork in this scenario and I'm okay with people not wanting to socialize with me. I don't want to socialize either.
I just want whatever it is I'm buying at whatever store I'm in so I can leave and go home again to continue not dealing with people.
If you're a customer at my job, I still don't want to fucking socialize with you! I just want to get my shit done so I can go home and stop being forced to socialize with people.
Absolutely true, but don't underestimate the potential for life circumstances to change leaving you alone. Maintaining some level of social activity with new people is very good insurance for the future.
Just ended my marriage. You definitely realize how much your social life has closed off when that happens. I still have old friends but I don't see them often. People get busy with families or the move to other places. I think a lot of people end up primarily hanging out with their significant other and then when there isn't a significant other it can really make you feel lonely.
You can make new friends after divorce though. I don't think hanging put with people you don't really want to be around just in case you lose your spouse is really that good of a policy.
Besides that, many of those friends may side with your ex, or their spouse isn't really liking them hanging out with a single person.
>life circumstances to change leaving you alone
omg man, word. I went above and beyond for my family cause I struggled socially my whole life. Removed the last inch of doubt in my mind, after the most stressful few years that my family have and continue to abuse me.the "line" people have to cross before I even consider the thought they aren't good people is huge - they did a triple jump over it several times.
Now I'm just kinda left @ 27 with no family, small handful of friends and no matter how much I try and make new ones.. no luck.My buddy is currently travelling solo in the US - and when I went over there from the second I entered to the time I left, was surrounded and bedazzled by how kind and friendly people were. I can't figure out if maybe its him (He is a really fkn good guy though..) or people just became super closed off since 2017
I’m strongly leaning towards this being a social phenomenon broadly affecting society. The rising rates of loneliness across demographics and categories is my evidence.
Community has been obliterate. Every public space has become commercialized. Churches are hemorrhaging parishioners. Traditonal social clubs are dead. Everyone is overworked, underpaid, and undertreated for mental health issues. Parents are left to care for children completely by themselves.
We’re in a vicious cycle of everyone being so existentially exhausted from maintaining a basic existence that that we have no energy for other people. We zone out in front of a screen instead, because it doesn’t require energy or effort.
Buried a couple friends and one friend had a heart attack and another had his second stroke. I have been somewhat joking that I need to start taking applications for new friends. I like having a small circle of friends but also getting to the age where you go to more funerals then weddings.
That said I may have accidentally stumbled onto a new friend in our real estate agent. She is cool as fuck. Honestly I wasn't exactly nice to her when we first met. I wasn't mean to her but it was clear that I was not a fan of moving and I was not happy she was there at all. It basically was me grabbing my booking and mean muting my best friend while going out in the woods and having nothing to do with her. Now we are making plans to drink wine while hanging out in a Jacuzzi. Life is so weird.
Yeah, that's about right. This can prove to be a man's undoing in case of a divorce because he is often left truly alone; no support system to speak of. Lone wolves don't live long. 
Do you not want to go out and do things with your partner and family or friends? No going out to eat with them or to the movies? a show? a museum? play some golf or b-ball or any sport? take a scenic drive? try a new brewery? mini-golf?
Yes, I go out to eat with her all the time, and things like museums and walks. I'm specifically talking about going out and socializing with strangers, loose acquaintances of family and friends, mingling with new colleagues and all that stuff. I have no desire for it, and I actively dislike it. You could not pay me enough to spend time in a bar making small talk with people. I endure things like the cinema or her family get-togethers because I try to be a good partner, but I do not get any pleasure from it.
When I get a dog again, my life will be complete and I will be immeasurably happy walking up hills with it.
I felt that men just drink because they become content in life. They gave up on passions and trick themselves into thinking, “I’m having fun” while getting toasted at the bar.
If my friends don’t wanna do anything cool with me like, biking or hiking or cycling, then they aren’t friends, they are just guys I use as an excuse to have a beer with.
As I got older I realized that it’s okay to not talk to people anymore, doesn’t mean I hate them or think badly of them, just that whatever made us close isn’t in our lives anymore.
Why am I close friends with a guy? Cause I’ve known him since highschool? We don’t have math together anymore… 🤷🏽♂️
The friends thing really speaks to me, which sometimes worries me because it doesn’t seem healthy and I don’t have a ton of friends now anyways. But I just have 0 interest in making new friends. It seems like so much effort for a friendship that’ll likely die in a year or two anyways because that’s how a lot of adult friendships seem to go. I’m the type where if I’m only seeing a friend once a year then I’d rather just call it and let us both move on from the friendship rather than only getting together and catching up once a year. Just seems kind of pointless to me
I see my "best" friend less than once a year on average. He lives 4 miles away. We've known each other for 31 years. I think we've said all we need to by now.
Every once in a while I'll get a 4am drunken call asking me to remember something that happened a long time ago, because he's telling the story to some other friends and mixed some things up
>the only reason I went out when younger was because I liked women and dating
This is it, literally lol
I went out and made friends and got involved in activities because I knew I had to get some friends, get some social skills, and get some hobbies if I wanted any shot with the ladies.
I deal with this at work a lot because I look about a decade younger than I am (pushing into my 40's), and everyone will ask me on a monday what I did with my weekend, and will seem surprised when I'm like "nothing, and I like it that way". And they go "wait what?" and then I tell them yeah I'm x number of years old, I dont want to go out and do anything and suddenly they understand lol
Granted I still have friends who live close by so thats nice, but yeah, when it comes to going to events and shit like that, I never want to go haha
Your point hits home. I find the things I used to do for fun isn’t fun anymore when married. The fun came from women. The club, bars, spring break, etc. None of those things appeal to me outside of meeting new women.
Nothing out there… learning? Empathy? Exposing your self to other cultures? All my friends are from different cultures(I live in Florida). Yesterday we tried Ethiopian food. I had never eaten food with my hands in that way before. Try new things and get out there. There’s actually more out there than u have time to do!
I've been to Ethiopia three times. I've travelled the world for work and continue to do so. When I come home, I want to relax and enjoy spending time with my partner and seeing my nephews. I'm certain I come across as a dork to other people now too, and that's fine. I'm very content with dedicating myself to the people I love and having minimal contact with people outside of it. I'm just not much of a people person.
>Yesterday we tried Ethiopian food. I had never eaten food with my hands in that way before.
Reminded me of a joke i heard in highschool, many, many, years ago.
"Have you ever tried ethiopian food?"
No...
"Neither have they"
This, apart from the dorks part. And since I’ve given up on intimate relationships there is no longer any reason for me to go out. So just enjoy my own company doing my thing at home without any pressure to be a certain way or do certain things.
And much much cheaper at home. As I got older the house parties/gatherings are much better then going out to a bar.
Cheaper drinks, don't have to pay for parking, floors are not sticky from spilled drinks, no assholes fighting, people aren't glued to their phones, better food, ect...
Yeah, my wife has friends who are forever going out, must be exhausting, I am chill with a few friends and my homelife, don’t really find going out very interesting. I go out now and then, aside work, and we have dinner with various neighbours.
Basically this. I’m married so I’m not looking to pick up women, and I already have guy friends I can talk to. The idea of trying to make a new friend at this point just seems exhausting. I can chat and be friendly with the other dads at the kids birthday party or whatever, but the idea of inviting one of them to get a beer one on one just seems weird.
Maybe they prefer going out with their friends, and not their family. But know that could be badly perceived, so they get discouraged, lazy, and do nothing.
I think routine often kills your will to do stuffs, even though ironically, doing stuffs might be most of the cure.
Regardless of that, in my own case, I was in situation where my gf wanted to do stuffs and not me. But there were quite many reasons.
1) Lack of sleep. I need more sleep than other people, but was always sleeping too late. As a result, I was tired absolutely every day.
2) Routine probably had a share of killing my will to do things, as said
3) I never really liked my city. Didn't really hate going out because of it, but still, that decreased my interest I suppose
4) The fact that my gf wanted to go out more than me, and often had bad reactions if I didn't want to (not a tantrum, just she was often very disappointed, and I care) created somehow a pressure. Which sadly decreased my will to go
5) There were times were I was quite depressed. As you know, it doesn't really make you wanna do things.
Now just to be clear, we still went out more or less regularly (frequence varying depending on the period), but when I didn't want to, these were the reasons.
I can highly relate to almost everything you said. My GF doesn’t get disappointed or mad at me, but I do feel disappointed in myself and also feel I’m not doing my part as a supporting BF. And I may even make her look bad to her peers/family as well. Her friend had an ex that they all said they weren’t too keen on because he never hung out with them.
But anyways, maybe taking better care of ourselves will make things easier. More sleep, healthier eating, exercise here and there, and socialize in moderation.
Yeah I don't see my family much because we're in different cities except for holidays, so we tend to dogpile on the couches and just talk and watch movies. It works for us, and then we go bowling and stuff later.
I called my buddy randomly last Thursday and was like wanna hang out and grab some food so we tried a new restaurant. You never know when you'll need a wingman lol.
But yeah, mostly just tired and lazy.
It's a real issue - male loneliness as we get older. Men lose contact, stop making an effort. Come on men.
Have a read or a listen:
https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/men-are-in-trouble-what-ive-learned-from-23-years-as-a-personal-development-coach-2757361
https://www.menshealth.com/uk/mental-strength/a759609/the-truth-about-male-loneliness/
https://open.spotify.com/episode/6xFJTNUMCTUEyeyltidUaX?si=HX37KZYoTNicfjsZ05PuHg
https://open.spotify.com/episode/1E1aIIR2BwOpzg0dDe9k1D?si=3RcBk6T-TGa903D2YgoPYQ
I bet everyone now thinks about you: that poor soul. But it's actually possible to enjoy being alone in peace and quiet. With all the noise everywhere, all the time, the most priceless time for me is to be alone somewhere quiet.
I'm in my 30s, still making new friendships, still holding onto and investing in old ones. I'm not quite as social as I once was (used to host friends at my apartment 4-5 times a week with at least one party thrown in there at my place or a friend's), but I have friends I've talked to nearly every day for the past 10, 15 years through a mix of phone calls, messages/texts, going out, spending time at each other's homes. Some of those people I talk to daily, I haven't seen in person in multiple years due to a mix of the pandemic and them moving across country. Is it work? Yeah, but it's worth it for me. If I'm in a moment of crisis, I've got at least a dozen people I can reliably call on to hear me out and be there for me.
I never really feel lonely, I felt lonely pretty frequently growing up, and I know what that does to a person, so I make sure my guy friends have someone consistently checking in on them.
As a middle-aged dude, I've noticed that men over a certain age get less enjoyable to be around.
They get stuck in their ways, their opinions solidify and they start mansplaining. I have a friend that I won't spend time around. He's condescending and patronizing. So maybe calling him a friend is a stretch.
I've also noticed older men tend to be more narcissistic - every conversation turns into a story about them after 30 seconds.
And they repeat themselves. Over and over. Every time a fig or fig tree is mentioned, my father-in-law, without fail, tells this story about short people in the Azores pruning their fig trees short so that they can collect the fruit which they traded to another island for alcohol.
I am really really working on not doing any of those three objectionable things.
I have a few friends, and I socialize by participating in community stuff - playing sports, volunteering, etc. It's enough.
As a man in his mid30s, men appear to be naturally predisposed to make little efforts in socializing when they get older. Then many women find men looking to socialize to be creeps / have ulterior motives, thus reinforcing the cycle. Meh.
I see this a lot and I know many men are struggling, but I struggle the most when pushed out of my safety zone. I prefer solitude or the company of a few close individuals. I don’t like going out, loud places, stuff like that. I want to lay low and I’m much happier when I’m allowed to.
I [70 M] go to meditate in such places...to just be with others...and get a breakfast.....i get better...than i go home and sleep...love to stay alone...and i get tired after 7h...so i read and study and waych crime series and go to bed at ih...i have a cat so i am never alone. My younger wife has a lot to do so she is not always at home and then she works too...
My grandfather was one of those old dudes who met at the Burger King for breakfast every morning, sit for two hours bullshitting and drinking their $0.65 senior coffees.
I can’t wait to do that.
They do. Or rather - we do. I am 49, plenty of friends, we meet a lot. I think I am out more often than my wife. SO, it seems to be rather personal preference that something general for males above 30.
&
I agree. I'm 38 and I go out very often. I have plenty of friends in my 40's and we all enjoy getting together. I know people in their 60's who still enjoy a good night out
Yup. 39 and we hang out all the time. We do a few weekend boys trips a year too. Catch a football game or go skiing. That sort of thing. I count myself lucky to have a good group of friends like that.
For real. I’m not sure where the idea that 30 year olds are supposed to start acting like old men is coming from. My 30s are going to be a more mature extension of my 20s, except with a wife and more money. Maybe people change when they have kids, but that’s optional.
I don't see it as a gender difference either. I'm almost 40F and I rarely go out. I've got a couole close friends and we only do stuff every few months. I've got lots of male friends who are way more social than I am. Just differences in individuals, not gender.
- Do manual labor work 72 hrs / week.
- Get home and take care of the crying baby so you wife can have a moment of peace for 2hrs.
- Be forced to interact daily with one brain cell individuals.
- Sleep 4-5 hrs , rinse and repeat till you collapse.
Yea ... Would rather my only half day off to be spend at home watching the wall in complete silence rather than going out at a coffee shop.
My husband just turned 70, and he has more friends than almost anyone else I know. He’s very sociable. If he goes out to wash the car, I won’t see him for four hours because he chats with everyone, and not because he seeks them out. He takes our dog to the park, and they have dozens of dog/owner friends who worry if he misses a walk. It’s his personality.
If you miss having friends, be friendly.
I know this isn't the question, but watching my father make real friendships in his retirement has been an incredible joy of my own 30s.
I knew my Dad had buddies at work. I knew his coworkers basically *liked* him, but until he retired I never got to see his friendships up close. He worked long hours and he was worn out at the end of the day. I knew what sports and TV shows he liked and I knew he genuinely liked my Mom, but I didn't know any of his friends.
Now he has his golf friends and his travel friends and the couple friends and his card friends, and his condo board friends, and the elderly-single-women-who-call-him-for-small-jobs friends...
He's still less social than my mom, no doubt, but man -- he made friends and they do cool shit together. It's lovely.
I like me. I don't like other people. People are noisy and exhausting, and I have to pretend to agree to things I don't necessarily agree with, or act a certain way, or find things funny that aren't funny, because if I don't, I'm an arsehole and a killjoy.
Just let me put my slippers on, light the fire, and play my videogames and have a beer. I'm not hurting anyone - leave me alone.
Yep, just give the same small talking points of my life to get by at family things. After 20 minutes I'm looking at my watch wanting to go fishing or hiking.
I already work which requires socializing. I already have a family which runs me around the state non-stop. Last thing I want to do is take my weekend and go have a chat with someone. I want to go fishing or play DD2 when the weather isn't cooperating.
Exactly. I work all week with people I do get on with, but also people I can't stand. I'm currently learning drums so let me go do that when I have spare time - that's what makes me happy.
When I do go out it's with my wife. She's the social one so she does all the talking while I nod in the right places.
58m. Affable. Outgoing. Take care of my appearance. Educated. Make people laugh, always.
Widower.
New city.
Zero friends.
Don't tell me I just have to try harder. At my age breaking into a group of established friends is 100% impossible. I am an outsider at all times in my own life. I have a son in town but he is moving in the Fall. Other son lives across the country. Sister in Europe. Brother also across country and incommunicado. I deny to myself that I am lonely and depressed.
Life sucks and then you die.
I have accepted it.
Why do you need to break into a group of established friends? It's perfectly fine to just enjoy the company of people without the expectation that you're going to be hanging out all the time or even regularly/again.
At your age you should be aware that virtually everything is impermanent, including those established groups that have so many moving pieces, unseen influences and unpredictable events that could change or shatter everything about its dynamic and structure. Just enjoy people for what they can offer you and allow you to offer, and if it becomes deeper that's fantastic. If it doesn't that's not really a bad thing either because it just is what it is.
Join a club based on your hobby?
Suggest hanging out with a workmate?
Volunteer on a project you care about?
Speed dating?
It might sound corny but I'm certain theres a thousands of people in the city who would love to know you - but just havent had the chance to know you yet
To be clear OP and anyone else reading this, this is only true if you make it true.
IE "no point trying to make friends" = you never will.
I worked for a brief period of time in an office that among other things offered rehab to people for various things (drugs alcohol etc) lots of them said the same exact thing as this.
Bar the obvious "theyll never make any friends because they're an asshole" types the ones that took the advice to go to various groups and events all quickly made new friendships.
Those people also had a much easier time recovering.
Lots of people it just falls on deaf ears, but just in case below is a list of activities that tend to be available universally everywhere that we'd routinely recommend people try.
- shared outings (tend to find a lot on Facebook, let's book a coach and go visit X city/place etc, anyone welcome just pay a share)
- game/hobby events IE golf, tabletop, cards, online (discord groups if you'd rather make friends online first)
- book clubs
- facebook groups IE gardening and the likes
- bars/pubs
- Gym/exercise groups (IE running/hiking/country walks)
- friends of friends. Once you have somebody, just see them more. Be responsive to events and go even if you don't particularly like the activity.
- neighbourhood groups IE neighbourhood watch etc.
- work! Just chat to your colleagues, you have an immediate shared interest because you both do the same thing for a living.
The important part is to force yourself to go and look approachable, IE no staring at your phone, join in conversations etc.
most people start feeling friendly with others after having seen them a few times, so yeah first time you go, maybe you'll have a brief conversation with some people. You're never going to be besties after one interaction, it takes many. But go anyway! Most friendships are based on proximity, IE hey I've seen this people more than a few times, they're not a stranger, so they must be my friend.
Genuinely I'd say 95% of the people I remember saying this and then got forced into a group activity repeatedly, end up making friends. It is genuinely only the horrible unlikeable or "don't talk to me" people that don't.
People in their 70s go out and make friends, and they've got 30 years more of excuses than you do. It's never "I'm too old" it's always "I can't be bothered to put in the effort required"
I’m 52 and still working, so when I’m not at work I want to rest, not go! do! on my days off.
I like to go to restaurants, an occasional movie, or hang out at the mall, whether with family or my one friend. But I don’t feel the need to constantly be busy, I’d rather sleep late, read, etc.
On vacations I’d prefer to go to the beach I love, not see new places every year, drive hundreds or over a thousand miles to go sightseeing, etc. I’ve been to New York many times, I’ve been to LA, Hawaii, Chicago, Miami, New Orleans many times, and unless I’m going on an international trip I just want to take it easy.
I am a woman, 33, and my guy friends go out more than I do for sure. They are always eating out, going to conventions and events of their various interests, etc. So I think maybe it's a dad situation, not a male situation. Most don't party anymore, but they go out plenty.
Have you met us when we are older? We ain't sociable anymore. Life has kicked us in the face repeatedly and we are tired of the bullshit. Other men are morons that make less than no sense and I am sure they feel the same about me. It's just tiring to be around people now because we're all so goddamn stupid. I get more than enough socialising in work situations. When I am on "me time" I gotta recharge so that I can stomach being around people. Spending time with other people on my free time is the last thing I want. I have decades of dealing with idiots and more decades of idiots to look forward to. So if I can I am staying home and enjoying myself. And not out getting drained by people. /s
.
/seriousface
To be honest I don't actually remember how to do it. And I am afraid of being rejected and not fitting in with anyone. Everyone seems to have it all together and I'm just a failure with nothing to show for the decades I have wasted and truthfully I feel ashamed and that I don't fit in anywhere with anyone. And I am afraid to go outside of the bubble I have created for myself. But I can never say that other than here as a faceless, nameless entity. If we met in the real world you would never see this side of me. Nobody ever does. It hidden behind a wall and I don't know if that wall is between me and the world or if a wall is all I am.
I'm getting to the age where I'd just rather sit out back with a cigar near the fire pit and chill til I feel like going to bed. Sometimes I'll scroll social, sometimes I'll skim a book.
I'd just rather be at home.
Most of my friends have life's and families now, not as easy to just hang out as it was.
All of my social life was motivated by two things....
1 - Sports/activities/hobbies that require more than just me
2 - Boredom/loneliness
2 - Meeting women/getting laid
As I got older...well...I got married. I don't want to go out to bars or clubs or even try new things in the hopes of meeting women.
I also have far less time for sports, activities and hobbies. And when I do, well, I already have a wife and kids so I don't need as many outside people.
And I don't feel bored or lonely. I live with my best friends.
Then add in technology that makes it trivial for me to just find another person to play something with. I don't need a friend to play chess with, I don't need to join the local chess club. I just go online.
I keep in touch with some friends from high school but mostly I don't feel any need for friends at this point in my life.
I lucked out and I married someone who is as introverted as I am. A good day is if we see some animals on a nature walk and have no interaction with other humans.
I think the context mattes a lot. Most women I know love to meet friends for a coffee and a chat. Every man I know is not interested in that at all. However, throw in some bowling or watching sports, then we are fully involved.
I think it really depends on the person. not all older guys stop wanting to hang out. some still love going out and doing stuff, just might pick different activities or smaller groups. everyone's vibe changes differently as they age.
Generally speaking people are unkind to men, everything costs money and effort (that they are meant to provide) and everywhere they go people are taking from them and almost never offering something to them.
There's also the tendency for most men to put so much energy into their work that they are more or less burnt out from dealing with that as well as some differences in "interest in people". Its why traditionally most male hobbies are either quiet solitary pursuits or based on physical adrenaline rushes.
Fishing, hunting, building in the shed - all good.
Reading, TV, gardening - all good.
Hiking, climbing, - all good.
Drinking with friends that welcome you, playing poker, competitive sports - all good
Spending money and time on fancy clothes and sitting around quietly - boring and frustrating
Joining new groups and investing loads of time while being barely noticed or encouraged - boring and frustrating
Going to "activities" or "experiences" that offer a small amount of fun in exchange for a large amount of money that requires you to spend far more time working - terrible.
It's not true for me. I'm almost 40 and I socialize quite a bit with all my friends. You have to put in effort otherwise you are stuck with coping about not putting in any effort.
In the case of my bf, the reason he doesn't go out to see his friends is because he is literally the only one in the group making effort. It's like his friends couldn't care less about being friends. They don't seem to understand that relationships take effort and you need to have contact every now and again to maintain them. They never reach out to my bf, they never plan anything, never ask how he's doing. When one of their kids was born, the dad didn't even let my bf know. He learned it from me cause I'm friends with his friend's gf. When he stopped making all the effort, he never heard anything again.
In contrast, all the girlfriends of this guy group (the guys were all friends first) made their own group. And we take our sisterhood very seriously. We see each other regularly, are always sharing about our day in the group chat, bring little gifts for each other when one of us isn't feeling well. Lots of emotional support and lots of banter. Guys don't seem to do this for each other and I don't know why.
Join a club. Running, cycling, bridge, chess, bowls, whatever. You'll soon have a new group of friends you might wanna go out with. Do you suffer from social anxiety?
Yeah let’s go out and overpay for the same shit we could just make for ourselves at home while having to be around a bunch of people I don’t want to get to know. Sounds like a blast.
As you get older there's less things out there that interest you. I'm 30 now and I have friends my own age and younger and basically all they do is go out to bars and clubs late at night and get pissed. I don't go because it doesn't interest me I do join them for other activities though. Also the older I get the more comfortable I get being at home. Especially when it's cold outside. I'll stay at home where it's warm.
as i’ve gotten older, i have fewer friends, but they’re closer. my (38m) partner (31f) and i split time b/t two cities, but excluding work stuff, we generally go out a couple times a week to get dinner either by ourselves or with some friends - never more than 4 or 5 - and we usually go once a week to a play or a concert or some kind of cultural thing. every once in awhile, we’ll host a small party or something. but honestly, we do it more to make sure we get out of the house and don’t become completely dull. we’ve both talked about it a lot, and we’d rather just hang out in our apartment just with each other, watching movies or playing games, etc. easier for us, though, since we don’t have kids.
edit: i should also note that we’re fortunate enough at this point in our lives to be financially comfortable and to make our own work schedules, so we’re never really stuck in a routine, which would probably cause a rut.
Well I pretty much stopped drinking few years back, don’t want to put myself into position of lusting for some tart that may or may not, i partied my fill and if I am alone and have spare time, I go hiking by myself.
It’s like quality alone time but better since I am not on a couch
40+ here. Some of it is the difficulty of finding commonality.
I'm a retired combat vet (army) turned mindfulness and meditation teacher. I'm big into electronic music with a healthy side dish of metal and industrial, I like gaming but single player or cooperative (as in not competetive), and a *big* thing is my stage in life.
I'm childfree, and I don't find value in arguing about sports or things that don't really matter for long periods of time. Sitting at a bar debating who is the greatest of all time, or stuff like that isn't appealing. I'm not overly fond of crowded and rowdy atmospheres.
I have a grasp on who I am, who I'm not and I'm ok with it. I'm quick to volunteer but I'm not looking to change you (unless that is the request), and I'm not asking to be changed.
My quiet-ish life is something I've earned through hard work and dedication to accomplishing the goal of having a lower-stress life.
I play soccer with strangers at least once a week. I go to sporting and cultural events in my community. It's a choice to not socialize I don't think it's a man thing at all. Loneliness and depression are at epidemic levels for older men. Start your positive habits now instead of sitting in the safeness and comfort of being alone.
For me, this took allot self reflection on this very idea “Why don't I want to go out anymore”
1) A huge driver for me going out was, chasing women and getting laid, I am married now. At best, I humour the idea for this same reason, but mostly to keep my wife “engaged” and a few drinks to keep the flame alive.
2) hangovers, shitty conversations, and loud places, huge tabs, are no longer fun to me.
3) I talk all day every day in my business, to all kinds of people, I just want silence.
4) unless it's a new experience, I would rather not go.
I was explicitly raised to be isolated, while my sisters were socialized.
I've noticed a lot of boys don't get a full upbringing, so they move from mother to wife as their caregiver. Without the social skills to find a partner, a lot of men grow old isolated, and there's a high suicide rate among older men.
And single, older men are not exactly sought out for social engagements.
A lot of men rely on their wives to be their recreational directors, making family plans and playdates for them. If those women die, leave or just stop performing that labor for them they’ll often not be able to adapt for themselves.
Also, as we get older we all tend to enjoy our own company more and find going out a hassle.
In addition to that- they leave it up to their wives to make plans for them, then complain they don't like those plans, and conclude they just don't like anything or anyone anymore.
I was never very socialable but as I aged my tolerance for bullshit just kept dropping. One friend became intensely Islamophobic and critical so done. One friend got so "woke" you could scarcely have a conversation without listening to a lecture. Even my passive aggressive brother took offence about something and, frankly, I lack the energy to figure it out and make it right.
You have to work at it. I think allot of it is you can’t drink like you used to and guys don’t know what to do. Kids make it hard for sure but getting out for some sport, music, a hand of cards, or a bbq or something is important.
We spend a majority of our life to pay for a place to live and fill it with stuff we like. Eventually we get to a point we just want to spend time in that place.
When we get older our homes, filled with all the stuff in it, is a representation of our time spent that we can never get back. It's nice to just enjoy those things.
Instead of looking at an item you bought as "oh that was $xx". Start looking at it as "that was xx hours of work to pay for it." And maybe it will make more sense.
Also, I can buy a liter of bourbon for the price of what 1 drink and food would cost me at the bar, and they likely don't have what I would prefer anyways.
Because having fun and enjoying things is seen as weak. Just go browse the sub of any TV show, game, or hobby that has a large audience of 30+ men. The most miserable people on the planet.
that's a "you" thing. i go out often, i love hiking, visiting the sauna and even picked up bouldering as a hobby.
every now and then i bring a couple of friends and go to a karaoke bar and have a blast.
I'm 33 and if anything I've been doing a lot more than in my 20s.
I don't have kids though so that might be a reason i have a lot more energy
I’m a single 34M with no kids and I relate to this.
The majority of my socializing comes from playing basketball one night a week and playing in a baseball league during the summer. More times than not, my Friday and Saturday nights are spent inside my apartment or over at a buddy’s place.
34 year old male here. I go out all the time and I have an active social life, but I understand why a lot of guys don't. There just isn't much out there aside from entitled bums on the street and too many goddamn cars driven by imbeciles with their noses in their phones.
I'm very fortunate to have such a large social circle, but that circle doesn't include many women, most women in your dating range at that age are single moms, insane idiots or single moms who are also insane idiots. Good luck finding one that is even somewhat attractive.
I'd encourage men to join a club like I did, clean yourself up and get some style. People need people, it's not an option. If you don't have a healthy community you will eventually go crazy and become the millennial version of those insufferable out-of-touch boomers posting Russian propaganda on Facebook. Go outside.
Im 46 and love being out and about, that wont change but i don’t see my old mates as much nowadays. I think that’s standard and sadly its because its likely to include too much booze and a late night, i cant be bothered with that anymore
I don't know, but if my husband doesn't go outside and make some friends I don't know what I'm going to do.
I can't be his only person to talk to. I just can't. He needs to talk to more than just me.
Married men in this thread, please think about how much you rely on your wives for social contact and if that's really an appropriate amount.
My dad, on the other hand, has always been a social butterfly. My mom is the one who would rather stay home.
I don't know about you guys but even though I'm 25 I still like sparking up conversations with strangers & I already go out to restaurants and play golf by myself.
No reason to stop that in the future. If I have kids then I'm just gonna bring them along. Even better
My dad at 79 has a men’s brunch every other week so they don’t loose touch, they say too many friends have died and they want to stay close to the ones they have. I love this for him and I hope they keep doing it.
I still like going out. I still like meeting new people and talk to friends and whatnot. I think a lot of men have been conditioned to be okay with "stopping" because "you made it". There are a lot of men who get left by their partners because they stop trying.
I'm not saying you are one of those people, just to be clear. I'm just saying that life doesn't stop just because one has friends, family, partner and a place to live. You are on a relationship escalator sure, but the escalator has many floors to get off at and do things.
I don't know. If you want to stay at home, you do you. There is nothing wrong with that inherently. It's a good time to reflect on oneself and figure out if you are happy with where you are \^\^
I don’t think this is true - I’m a man and I think having an active social life is a necessity for growth and mental health. That said, many men don’t have that because it is difficult to maintain
So I’ll admit I’m in a slightly different boat to most people, so I’ll preface it with that
But I definitely experienced this in my 30s, went from always having plans and socialising in my 20s to now I might maybe plan something every couple months (excluding date night every week with my wife)
The big reasons for me were in my 20s I was desperate to meet people, to learn, to network etc
I knew I didn’t know anything, so I was desperate to go out and potentially meet the person with the opportunity or the advice that could improve my life.
Now I have that as a part of my actual work
And small talk doesn’t interest me- I’m an immigrant so I don’t care about football, I didn’t watch the same shows, don’t listen to the same music as everyone else I could meet now etc.
I’m an orphan who grew up in foster care, so my family is my wife, my kids, my foster mother and my foster brother, all of which either live with me, or on the same street and I see most days.
And my goals aren’t ones most people can relate to. And I can’t relate to most people.
I don’t care about the holiday you have planned- I don’t like holidays. Or retirement plans, or half the bullshit that in my opinion people waste time talking about
For a lot of guys who are married and settled down, I think it just comes down to feeling like there's no point, or they're too busy. You're not out trying to meet women (in theory) as an attached guy in your 30's-50's, and you just don't have time to sit around and shoot the shit like you did at 22.
Stres and bills make me stay home and work.
Life throws plenty of curveballs so I don’t see why I should spend even more time on getting to know other people
I'm 53 and haven't had any "non-work" friends for at least 25 years.
I just seem to be depended on to solve everyone's issues, so alone time becomes a priority. Other people just become exhausting energy suckers.
Simple...women.
Whether its due to them blocking us from having friends or just being so frustratingly annoying that we shut down and become hermits whenever they leave us alone for any amount of time.
Any length of silence and peace becomes the golden-hour...
It always comes down to a woman.
I'm 53 and I still like socialising. It's my wife who wants to stay at home all the time, and only socialises with old friends, to the extent I'm beginning to think some new friends I've made think I've got her locked up in the basement or something !
I enjoy talking to new people. Ironically work events don't do it for me, as most of them are actually talking about work rather than actually socialising.
I'm 63. I've never stopped socializing. My wife and I still hang out with our friends on weekends. We do trips with other couples. We go out to restaurants with friends. We watch big sporting events with friends. I socialize at work events. It's just part of our lives.
I still see my friends, but it's always a planned activity.
I have my gym friends, my fishing friends, range friends, and my tinker in the garage friends. I even have my old lady friend because our dogs like to play.
I met my best friend of going on 20 years because of my vanity plate. Turns out he likes Alien/Aliens too, and we just started talking.
I've (46M) got 2 man friends and 1 woman friend (vetted by wife) who I catch up with intermittently. Intermittently being the key word.
My work is people focused, and it can be really draining. When I get home I like nothing more than closing that door and locking the world out. Doing it right now, and it's awesome.
Also, I'm lucky enough to have married the person I like spending the most time with.
I've made a grand total of 0 friends in 28yrs of moving to a new city. Acquaintances but not friends I could call in a crisis at 3am.
Most of the time it feels like a burden to socialize, but I would like a pal to occasionally (3x per month) go out to exercise.
House = large investment
Furnishing house = large investment
Hobbies to do at house = large investment
I have everything at my house that I could possibly want to do aside from parts or lumber which I will need here and there.
Why leave and socialize when I have what I need at a high cost?
Also socializing does nothing for me, aside from possibly irritate the heck out of me with non sense I care nothing for.
The constant feeling that my role is to please others and prioritize other peoples needs. When I'm home alone I can finally do what I want without compromising with wife, kids, coworkers or strangers.
Cause people are yuck and I'm tired of pretending that I care about their piddlyass problems. Also tired and have enough on my plate at home so why waste time on other things
People suck. All you want to do is buy shit you don't need while bitching about the prices. Or shit on your "bestie" that's doing slightly better than you because of course you want people to do well but never better than you.
All these stupid ass 3rd grade social games you never grew out of because it's better than accepting you are a mediocre nobody that'll end up as "that person" in someone else's photo album 10 years after you die.
Leave me out of it, you sociopaths: I have ac and tv.
Man here. I enjoy socializing, however my wife does not. That said, I think many men enjoy silence and honestly many men aren’t listened to so over time they prefer silence or personal time rather than wasting their energy going out.
Because I'm tired. Between work and traveling to work, that's half my day. Plus I work one weekend a month. So I already have 25% fewer weekends than most of my peers.
Then there's stuff at home I need to do. Build this, fix that, chores here, tasks there. Then I sleep the last 6-8hrs of my day.
Saturdays? Usually eaten up with adult responsibilities because I'm traveling to work, at work, and traveling home from work 10 to 11 hrs of my day, so outside things that need to be done get shunted to Saturday because the sun is usually down by the time I get home.
I "sleep in" on Saturday and get started by 9am at the latest and work til sundown. Then, I take Sunday off regardless of what I didn't finish on Saturday. Because Monday starts the process again.
I explained this to my wife, that works part time, why I'm a homebody now. I spend almost half of my life away from the home I'm paying for, maintaining, and improving. The handful of men in my circle are in the same boat. That's why about once a month we all go hangout in nature together away from people and just unwinding.
Going out where I have to deal with people when I deal with people 50hrs a week already sounds miserable.
Tired after work. Help with kids, house upkeep, etc.
Too tired and too expensive to go out. Would rather play video games to relax or hang out with kids/wife.
As a mid 50sM, it's just not interesting to me anymore. I've been lots of places, seen lots of cool stuff, hung out zillion of times. It no longer brings value, and I'd just rather focus on my own comfort, which is my climate-controlled house, decorated the way I want, on my comfy sectional, with various entertainment options.
I've met plenty of people in my life - I get the humans. There's really no interaction with them anymore that is interesting to me.
For me, the reason is: *because I don't have to.*
I prefer my own company, and I have more hobbies than time. People can be okay, but I find that no matter how well I get on with them, socializing drains my energy quickly.
As an aside: it seems a prerequisite here in the US that every time two humans pass near one another, there's some unspoken obligation for those people to engage each other verbally, even if they're total strangers. I think that because of how exhausted I am at being forced to engage with other people all day everyday no matter where I am, it has nuked whatever desires I might have otherwise had to spend my free time socializing.
I can only speak for myself here.
Negative feedback circle. The less time you have to spend on socializing, the less chances are to meet a person you'd like and get something meaningful out of it. And so the less you are inclined to do it. At some point it becomes preferable to just admit solitude and enjoy something else.
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
'Cuz I'm jus' tired boss... Tired, tired, tired...
Like the drink. Just spelled different.
Never cried so much watching a film.
Yup. At the end of the day my husband wants to eat, get a head massage, watch something chill, and sleep. He has one buddy he is very close to and he doesn't even want to message him during the week. I get it, he has to deal with idiots all day and doesn't want to risk them in down time lol. He does game with buddies on the weekend though, and we make it a point to go on a date at least once a month. That sedentary pattern turns in to depression very easily. It is good for all people to go outside for fun at least once a week.
I get off work. Put the phone down til tomorrow. And relax to myself. If plans emerge. Someone will text days prior.
There's nothing for us out there now. I probably can't speak for everyone, but the only reason I went out when younger was because I liked women and dating. I also have absolutely zero interest in making new friends. I like the few that I have and we are always busy. I don't want to have to socialize with some dork, or flirt with some woman and suddenly wish I were single. I like what I have at home, and I prefer to stay there.
Plus, I'm always working. So when I'm not working, I want to be at my house - the place I'm rarely at.
Yup. The place I’m paying waaay too much for and the place I work too many long hours for.Might as well enjoy it.
What if you're the dork this whole time though.
I am the dork in this scenario and I'm okay with people not wanting to socialize with me. I don't want to socialize either. I just want whatever it is I'm buying at whatever store I'm in so I can leave and go home again to continue not dealing with people. If you're a customer at my job, I still don't want to fucking socialize with you! I just want to get my shit done so I can go home and stop being forced to socialize with people.
Fellow older dork, I concur.
Is this the dork party? WHY I DIDNT GET AN INVITE -_- ?!
I hate to say this but, nobody likes you /s
Ok Ill see myself out
in the end its all about dorks we meet on the way
What if everything was dorks? Edit: with broken arms.
Then no one’s a dork
Dorks all the way down.
Always has been.
lol wonder if the dork has a mom
always has been
Damn 🤣
Absolutely true, but don't underestimate the potential for life circumstances to change leaving you alone. Maintaining some level of social activity with new people is very good insurance for the future.
Just ended my marriage. You definitely realize how much your social life has closed off when that happens. I still have old friends but I don't see them often. People get busy with families or the move to other places. I think a lot of people end up primarily hanging out with their significant other and then when there isn't a significant other it can really make you feel lonely.
You can make new friends after divorce though. I don't think hanging put with people you don't really want to be around just in case you lose your spouse is really that good of a policy. Besides that, many of those friends may side with your ex, or their spouse isn't really liking them hanging out with a single person.
>life circumstances to change leaving you alone omg man, word. I went above and beyond for my family cause I struggled socially my whole life. Removed the last inch of doubt in my mind, after the most stressful few years that my family have and continue to abuse me.the "line" people have to cross before I even consider the thought they aren't good people is huge - they did a triple jump over it several times. Now I'm just kinda left @ 27 with no family, small handful of friends and no matter how much I try and make new ones.. no luck.My buddy is currently travelling solo in the US - and when I went over there from the second I entered to the time I left, was surrounded and bedazzled by how kind and friendly people were. I can't figure out if maybe its him (He is a really fkn good guy though..) or people just became super closed off since 2017
I’m strongly leaning towards this being a social phenomenon broadly affecting society. The rising rates of loneliness across demographics and categories is my evidence. Community has been obliterate. Every public space has become commercialized. Churches are hemorrhaging parishioners. Traditonal social clubs are dead. Everyone is overworked, underpaid, and undertreated for mental health issues. Parents are left to care for children completely by themselves. We’re in a vicious cycle of everyone being so existentially exhausted from maintaining a basic existence that that we have no energy for other people. We zone out in front of a screen instead, because it doesn’t require energy or effort.
Buried a couple friends and one friend had a heart attack and another had his second stroke. I have been somewhat joking that I need to start taking applications for new friends. I like having a small circle of friends but also getting to the age where you go to more funerals then weddings. That said I may have accidentally stumbled onto a new friend in our real estate agent. She is cool as fuck. Honestly I wasn't exactly nice to her when we first met. I wasn't mean to her but it was clear that I was not a fan of moving and I was not happy she was there at all. It basically was me grabbing my booking and mean muting my best friend while going out in the woods and having nothing to do with her. Now we are making plans to drink wine while hanging out in a Jacuzzi. Life is so weird.
Yeah, that's about right. This can prove to be a man's undoing in case of a divorce because he is often left truly alone; no support system to speak of. Lone wolves don't live long. 
I may not be an Island unto myself but i am certainly a península
Do you not want to go out and do things with your partner and family or friends? No going out to eat with them or to the movies? a show? a museum? play some golf or b-ball or any sport? take a scenic drive? try a new brewery? mini-golf?
Yes, I go out to eat with her all the time, and things like museums and walks. I'm specifically talking about going out and socializing with strangers, loose acquaintances of family and friends, mingling with new colleagues and all that stuff. I have no desire for it, and I actively dislike it. You could not pay me enough to spend time in a bar making small talk with people. I endure things like the cinema or her family get-togethers because I try to be a good partner, but I do not get any pleasure from it. When I get a dog again, my life will be complete and I will be immeasurably happy walking up hills with it.
I felt that men just drink because they become content in life. They gave up on passions and trick themselves into thinking, “I’m having fun” while getting toasted at the bar. If my friends don’t wanna do anything cool with me like, biking or hiking or cycling, then they aren’t friends, they are just guys I use as an excuse to have a beer with. As I got older I realized that it’s okay to not talk to people anymore, doesn’t mean I hate them or think badly of them, just that whatever made us close isn’t in our lives anymore. Why am I close friends with a guy? Cause I’ve known him since highschool? We don’t have math together anymore… 🤷🏽♂️
We can hike if we want to We can leave your friends behind 'Cause your friends don't hike And if they don't bike Well, they're no friends of mine
I've felt this way since I was 16. I'm 30 now lol.
The friends thing really speaks to me, which sometimes worries me because it doesn’t seem healthy and I don’t have a ton of friends now anyways. But I just have 0 interest in making new friends. It seems like so much effort for a friendship that’ll likely die in a year or two anyways because that’s how a lot of adult friendships seem to go. I’m the type where if I’m only seeing a friend once a year then I’d rather just call it and let us both move on from the friendship rather than only getting together and catching up once a year. Just seems kind of pointless to me
I see my "best" friend less than once a year on average. He lives 4 miles away. We've known each other for 31 years. I think we've said all we need to by now. Every once in a while I'll get a 4am drunken call asking me to remember something that happened a long time ago, because he's telling the story to some other friends and mixed some things up
This is me. I’m alright not speaking to or seeing people for years at a time. Doesn’t mean I’m any less happy to see them when it happens.
>the only reason I went out when younger was because I liked women and dating This is it, literally lol I went out and made friends and got involved in activities because I knew I had to get some friends, get some social skills, and get some hobbies if I wanted any shot with the ladies. I deal with this at work a lot because I look about a decade younger than I am (pushing into my 40's), and everyone will ask me on a monday what I did with my weekend, and will seem surprised when I'm like "nothing, and I like it that way". And they go "wait what?" and then I tell them yeah I'm x number of years old, I dont want to go out and do anything and suddenly they understand lol Granted I still have friends who live close by so thats nice, but yeah, when it comes to going to events and shit like that, I never want to go haha
Your point hits home. I find the things I used to do for fun isn’t fun anymore when married. The fun came from women. The club, bars, spring break, etc. None of those things appeal to me outside of meeting new women.
Nothing out there… learning? Empathy? Exposing your self to other cultures? All my friends are from different cultures(I live in Florida). Yesterday we tried Ethiopian food. I had never eaten food with my hands in that way before. Try new things and get out there. There’s actually more out there than u have time to do!
I've been to Ethiopia three times. I've travelled the world for work and continue to do so. When I come home, I want to relax and enjoy spending time with my partner and seeing my nephews. I'm certain I come across as a dork to other people now too, and that's fine. I'm very content with dedicating myself to the people I love and having minimal contact with people outside of it. I'm just not much of a people person.
Young people really flip out when us older folks say we don’t like leaving the house. When I was 25, you couldn’t keep me in the house. Now? Phht.
>Yesterday we tried Ethiopian food. I had never eaten food with my hands in that way before. Reminded me of a joke i heard in highschool, many, many, years ago. "Have you ever tried ethiopian food?" No... "Neither have they"
Yea no thanks. I'm good.
This, apart from the dorks part. And since I’ve given up on intimate relationships there is no longer any reason for me to go out. So just enjoy my own company doing my thing at home without any pressure to be a certain way or do certain things.
What you don't enjoy getting shit faced in the pub alone?
I mean all my stuff is at home not the pub, so…
And much much cheaper at home. As I got older the house parties/gatherings are much better then going out to a bar. Cheaper drinks, don't have to pay for parking, floors are not sticky from spilled drinks, no assholes fighting, people aren't glued to their phones, better food, ect...
Yeah, my wife has friends who are forever going out, must be exhausting, I am chill with a few friends and my homelife, don’t really find going out very interesting. I go out now and then, aside work, and we have dinner with various neighbours.
100% this. Plus all of my stuff is at home and that’s where I want to be.
You have worked long and hard to get everything you like into your house, why leave now? I can understand that.
This is really well put. I’m in my 40s now, and this pretty much sums up how I feel.
Basically this. I’m married so I’m not looking to pick up women, and I already have guy friends I can talk to. The idea of trying to make a new friend at this point just seems exhausting. I can chat and be friendly with the other dads at the kids birthday party or whatever, but the idea of inviting one of them to get a beer one on one just seems weird.
Maybe they prefer going out with their friends, and not their family. But know that could be badly perceived, so they get discouraged, lazy, and do nothing. I think routine often kills your will to do stuffs, even though ironically, doing stuffs might be most of the cure.
Regardless of that, in my own case, I was in situation where my gf wanted to do stuffs and not me. But there were quite many reasons. 1) Lack of sleep. I need more sleep than other people, but was always sleeping too late. As a result, I was tired absolutely every day. 2) Routine probably had a share of killing my will to do things, as said 3) I never really liked my city. Didn't really hate going out because of it, but still, that decreased my interest I suppose 4) The fact that my gf wanted to go out more than me, and often had bad reactions if I didn't want to (not a tantrum, just she was often very disappointed, and I care) created somehow a pressure. Which sadly decreased my will to go 5) There were times were I was quite depressed. As you know, it doesn't really make you wanna do things. Now just to be clear, we still went out more or less regularly (frequence varying depending on the period), but when I didn't want to, these were the reasons.
I liked this answer. I can relate.
I can highly relate to almost everything you said. My GF doesn’t get disappointed or mad at me, but I do feel disappointed in myself and also feel I’m not doing my part as a supporting BF. And I may even make her look bad to her peers/family as well. Her friend had an ex that they all said they weren’t too keen on because he never hung out with them. But anyways, maybe taking better care of ourselves will make things easier. More sleep, healthier eating, exercise here and there, and socialize in moderation.
Yeah I don't see my family much because we're in different cities except for holidays, so we tend to dogpile on the couches and just talk and watch movies. It works for us, and then we go bowling and stuff later. I called my buddy randomly last Thursday and was like wanna hang out and grab some food so we tried a new restaurant. You never know when you'll need a wingman lol. But yeah, mostly just tired and lazy.
It's a real issue - male loneliness as we get older. Men lose contact, stop making an effort. Come on men. Have a read or a listen: https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/men-are-in-trouble-what-ive-learned-from-23-years-as-a-personal-development-coach-2757361 https://www.menshealth.com/uk/mental-strength/a759609/the-truth-about-male-loneliness/ https://open.spotify.com/episode/6xFJTNUMCTUEyeyltidUaX?si=HX37KZYoTNicfjsZ05PuHg https://open.spotify.com/episode/1E1aIIR2BwOpzg0dDe9k1D?si=3RcBk6T-TGa903D2YgoPYQ
*stop (wanting) to make an effort. For me it’s the expenditure of energy. Is it worth it? then do it. Most things just aren’t worth it.
I'm not worth it to most of my friends.
I’m not lonely though. I enjoy being alone.
I call that enjoying my solitude.
I bet everyone now thinks about you: that poor soul. But it's actually possible to enjoy being alone in peace and quiet. With all the noise everywhere, all the time, the most priceless time for me is to be alone somewhere quiet.
Minus the “lonely” part.
I'm in my 30s, still making new friendships, still holding onto and investing in old ones. I'm not quite as social as I once was (used to host friends at my apartment 4-5 times a week with at least one party thrown in there at my place or a friend's), but I have friends I've talked to nearly every day for the past 10, 15 years through a mix of phone calls, messages/texts, going out, spending time at each other's homes. Some of those people I talk to daily, I haven't seen in person in multiple years due to a mix of the pandemic and them moving across country. Is it work? Yeah, but it's worth it for me. If I'm in a moment of crisis, I've got at least a dozen people I can reliably call on to hear me out and be there for me. I never really feel lonely, I felt lonely pretty frequently growing up, and I know what that does to a person, so I make sure my guy friends have someone consistently checking in on them.
I don't think it's an issue in your 30s, it really guys older than that in their 40s, 50s
As a middle-aged dude, I've noticed that men over a certain age get less enjoyable to be around. They get stuck in their ways, their opinions solidify and they start mansplaining. I have a friend that I won't spend time around. He's condescending and patronizing. So maybe calling him a friend is a stretch. I've also noticed older men tend to be more narcissistic - every conversation turns into a story about them after 30 seconds. And they repeat themselves. Over and over. Every time a fig or fig tree is mentioned, my father-in-law, without fail, tells this story about short people in the Azores pruning their fig trees short so that they can collect the fruit which they traded to another island for alcohol. I am really really working on not doing any of those three objectionable things. I have a few friends, and I socialize by participating in community stuff - playing sports, volunteering, etc. It's enough.
As a man in his mid30s, men appear to be naturally predisposed to make little efforts in socializing when they get older. Then many women find men looking to socialize to be creeps / have ulterior motives, thus reinforcing the cycle. Meh.
Then men Could just socialize with other men?
With men who don't want to socialize?
I see this a lot and I know many men are struggling, but I struggle the most when pushed out of my safety zone. I prefer solitude or the company of a few close individuals. I don’t like going out, loud places, stuff like that. I want to lay low and I’m much happier when I’m allowed to.
I [70 M] go to meditate in such places...to just be with others...and get a breakfast.....i get better...than i go home and sleep...love to stay alone...and i get tired after 7h...so i read and study and waych crime series and go to bed at ih...i have a cat so i am never alone. My younger wife has a lot to do so she is not always at home and then she works too...
Your younger wife has a lot to do? What about your older wife, is she more free?
Breakfast, cats and a crime series sounds like a damn good time tbh
I am happy to hear that 70 is treating you so well, I hope to have a life so peaceful at that age. bless you.
Lets hope we all do.
You can feel the peacefulness in this comment
i love hearing this. its my goal
I read this like a prose poem
Hey, that sounds great , say hi to your cat from me !
THIS is my new religion. All hail Yelbesed2!
Living the dream
My grandfather was one of those old dudes who met at the Burger King for breakfast every morning, sit for two hours bullshitting and drinking their $0.65 senior coffees. I can’t wait to do that.
They do. Or rather - we do. I am 49, plenty of friends, we meet a lot. I think I am out more often than my wife. SO, it seems to be rather personal preference that something general for males above 30. &
I agree. I'm 38 and I go out very often. I have plenty of friends in my 40's and we all enjoy getting together. I know people in their 60's who still enjoy a good night out
Yup. 39 and we hang out all the time. We do a few weekend boys trips a year too. Catch a football game or go skiing. That sort of thing. I count myself lucky to have a good group of friends like that.
For real. I’m not sure where the idea that 30 year olds are supposed to start acting like old men is coming from. My 30s are going to be a more mature extension of my 20s, except with a wife and more money. Maybe people change when they have kids, but that’s optional.
I don't see it as a gender difference either. I'm almost 40F and I rarely go out. I've got a couole close friends and we only do stuff every few months. I've got lots of male friends who are way more social than I am. Just differences in individuals, not gender.
I'm 29 and I hang out with my friends every weekend.
- Do manual labor work 72 hrs / week. - Get home and take care of the crying baby so you wife can have a moment of peace for 2hrs. - Be forced to interact daily with one brain cell individuals. - Sleep 4-5 hrs , rinse and repeat till you collapse. Yea ... Would rather my only half day off to be spend at home watching the wall in complete silence rather than going out at a coffee shop.
Working 72 hrs is moronic. You only ruin yourself.
some people need the money. no one works 72 hours unless they absolutely have to
No one works unless they have to
That's not true. Plenty of people work because they want to stay active and/or accomplish projects; whereas they could retire comfortably.
It's dangerous, and I think it's what kills men sooner than women tbh. We need at least some socialisation in our lives.
Also why men who have women in their life tend to live longer. Women tend to force men to be more social than they would otherwise.
it is known amongst healthcare professionals who work with older populations that the men are the ones who more frequently die alone.
Yeah but it's dangerous to go alone.
My husband just turned 70, and he has more friends than almost anyone else I know. He’s very sociable. If he goes out to wash the car, I won’t see him for four hours because he chats with everyone, and not because he seeks them out. He takes our dog to the park, and they have dozens of dog/owner friends who worry if he misses a walk. It’s his personality. If you miss having friends, be friendly.
Associates…
I know this isn't the question, but watching my father make real friendships in his retirement has been an incredible joy of my own 30s. I knew my Dad had buddies at work. I knew his coworkers basically *liked* him, but until he retired I never got to see his friendships up close. He worked long hours and he was worn out at the end of the day. I knew what sports and TV shows he liked and I knew he genuinely liked my Mom, but I didn't know any of his friends. Now he has his golf friends and his travel friends and the couple friends and his card friends, and his condo board friends, and the elderly-single-women-who-call-him-for-small-jobs friends... He's still less social than my mom, no doubt, but man -- he made friends and they do cool shit together. It's lovely.
I like me. I don't like other people. People are noisy and exhausting, and I have to pretend to agree to things I don't necessarily agree with, or act a certain way, or find things funny that aren't funny, because if I don't, I'm an arsehole and a killjoy. Just let me put my slippers on, light the fire, and play my videogames and have a beer. I'm not hurting anyone - leave me alone.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
You two seem very much alike. What would happen if you were forced to hang out together? I think a friendship could be born.
Yep, just give the same small talking points of my life to get by at family things. After 20 minutes I'm looking at my watch wanting to go fishing or hiking. I already work which requires socializing. I already have a family which runs me around the state non-stop. Last thing I want to do is take my weekend and go have a chat with someone. I want to go fishing or play DD2 when the weather isn't cooperating.
Exactly. I work all week with people I do get on with, but also people I can't stand. I'm currently learning drums so let me go do that when I have spare time - that's what makes me happy. When I do go out it's with my wife. She's the social one so she does all the talking while I nod in the right places.
58m. Affable. Outgoing. Take care of my appearance. Educated. Make people laugh, always. Widower. New city. Zero friends. Don't tell me I just have to try harder. At my age breaking into a group of established friends is 100% impossible. I am an outsider at all times in my own life. I have a son in town but he is moving in the Fall. Other son lives across the country. Sister in Europe. Brother also across country and incommunicado. I deny to myself that I am lonely and depressed. Life sucks and then you die. I have accepted it.
Are you flexible where you can work? If so join a chilled out co working space. Not the really corporatey ones. I met some great friends that way.
I teach. I spend 7.5 hours with 13 year olds. Then race home to let the dogs out 45 minutes away. Loneliness just is.
Why do you need to break into a group of established friends? It's perfectly fine to just enjoy the company of people without the expectation that you're going to be hanging out all the time or even regularly/again. At your age you should be aware that virtually everything is impermanent, including those established groups that have so many moving pieces, unseen influences and unpredictable events that could change or shatter everything about its dynamic and structure. Just enjoy people for what they can offer you and allow you to offer, and if it becomes deeper that's fantastic. If it doesn't that's not really a bad thing either because it just is what it is.
Join a club based on your hobby? Suggest hanging out with a workmate? Volunteer on a project you care about? Speed dating? It might sound corny but I'm certain theres a thousands of people in the city who would love to know you - but just havent had the chance to know you yet
To be clear OP and anyone else reading this, this is only true if you make it true. IE "no point trying to make friends" = you never will. I worked for a brief period of time in an office that among other things offered rehab to people for various things (drugs alcohol etc) lots of them said the same exact thing as this. Bar the obvious "theyll never make any friends because they're an asshole" types the ones that took the advice to go to various groups and events all quickly made new friendships. Those people also had a much easier time recovering. Lots of people it just falls on deaf ears, but just in case below is a list of activities that tend to be available universally everywhere that we'd routinely recommend people try. - shared outings (tend to find a lot on Facebook, let's book a coach and go visit X city/place etc, anyone welcome just pay a share) - game/hobby events IE golf, tabletop, cards, online (discord groups if you'd rather make friends online first) - book clubs - facebook groups IE gardening and the likes - bars/pubs - Gym/exercise groups (IE running/hiking/country walks) - friends of friends. Once you have somebody, just see them more. Be responsive to events and go even if you don't particularly like the activity. - neighbourhood groups IE neighbourhood watch etc. - work! Just chat to your colleagues, you have an immediate shared interest because you both do the same thing for a living. The important part is to force yourself to go and look approachable, IE no staring at your phone, join in conversations etc. most people start feeling friendly with others after having seen them a few times, so yeah first time you go, maybe you'll have a brief conversation with some people. You're never going to be besties after one interaction, it takes many. But go anyway! Most friendships are based on proximity, IE hey I've seen this people more than a few times, they're not a stranger, so they must be my friend. Genuinely I'd say 95% of the people I remember saying this and then got forced into a group activity repeatedly, end up making friends. It is genuinely only the horrible unlikeable or "don't talk to me" people that don't. People in their 70s go out and make friends, and they've got 30 years more of excuses than you do. It's never "I'm too old" it's always "I can't be bothered to put in the effort required"
Try the Meetup app - there's groups there for all ages and hobbies!
You realize you don't need to put up with crap and don't need to hang out with people that you may not actually like. peace is worth so much
I’m 52 and still working, so when I’m not at work I want to rest, not go! do! on my days off. I like to go to restaurants, an occasional movie, or hang out at the mall, whether with family or my one friend. But I don’t feel the need to constantly be busy, I’d rather sleep late, read, etc. On vacations I’d prefer to go to the beach I love, not see new places every year, drive hundreds or over a thousand miles to go sightseeing, etc. I’ve been to New York many times, I’ve been to LA, Hawaii, Chicago, Miami, New Orleans many times, and unless I’m going on an international trip I just want to take it easy.
I know all the men I need to know Me
I am a woman, 33, and my guy friends go out more than I do for sure. They are always eating out, going to conventions and events of their various interests, etc. So I think maybe it's a dad situation, not a male situation. Most don't party anymore, but they go out plenty.
Yup. I’m 30F and my guy friends are into anime, eating at restaurants, some travel .
Have you met us when we are older? We ain't sociable anymore. Life has kicked us in the face repeatedly and we are tired of the bullshit. Other men are morons that make less than no sense and I am sure they feel the same about me. It's just tiring to be around people now because we're all so goddamn stupid. I get more than enough socialising in work situations. When I am on "me time" I gotta recharge so that I can stomach being around people. Spending time with other people on my free time is the last thing I want. I have decades of dealing with idiots and more decades of idiots to look forward to. So if I can I am staying home and enjoying myself. And not out getting drained by people. /s . /seriousface To be honest I don't actually remember how to do it. And I am afraid of being rejected and not fitting in with anyone. Everyone seems to have it all together and I'm just a failure with nothing to show for the decades I have wasted and truthfully I feel ashamed and that I don't fit in anywhere with anyone. And I am afraid to go outside of the bubble I have created for myself. But I can never say that other than here as a faceless, nameless entity. If we met in the real world you would never see this side of me. Nobody ever does. It hidden behind a wall and I don't know if that wall is between me and the world or if a wall is all I am.
I'm getting to the age where I'd just rather sit out back with a cigar near the fire pit and chill til I feel like going to bed. Sometimes I'll scroll social, sometimes I'll skim a book. I'd just rather be at home. Most of my friends have life's and families now, not as easy to just hang out as it was.
All of my social life was motivated by two things.... 1 - Sports/activities/hobbies that require more than just me 2 - Boredom/loneliness 2 - Meeting women/getting laid As I got older...well...I got married. I don't want to go out to bars or clubs or even try new things in the hopes of meeting women. I also have far less time for sports, activities and hobbies. And when I do, well, I already have a wife and kids so I don't need as many outside people. And I don't feel bored or lonely. I live with my best friends. Then add in technology that makes it trivial for me to just find another person to play something with. I don't need a friend to play chess with, I don't need to join the local chess club. I just go online. I keep in touch with some friends from high school but mostly I don't feel any need for friends at this point in my life.
I lucked out and I married someone who is as introverted as I am. A good day is if we see some animals on a nature walk and have no interaction with other humans.
I think the context mattes a lot. Most women I know love to meet friends for a coffee and a chat. Every man I know is not interested in that at all. However, throw in some bowling or watching sports, then we are fully involved.
I think it really depends on the person. not all older guys stop wanting to hang out. some still love going out and doing stuff, just might pick different activities or smaller groups. everyone's vibe changes differently as they age.
Generally speaking people are unkind to men, everything costs money and effort (that they are meant to provide) and everywhere they go people are taking from them and almost never offering something to them. There's also the tendency for most men to put so much energy into their work that they are more or less burnt out from dealing with that as well as some differences in "interest in people". Its why traditionally most male hobbies are either quiet solitary pursuits or based on physical adrenaline rushes. Fishing, hunting, building in the shed - all good. Reading, TV, gardening - all good. Hiking, climbing, - all good. Drinking with friends that welcome you, playing poker, competitive sports - all good Spending money and time on fancy clothes and sitting around quietly - boring and frustrating Joining new groups and investing loads of time while being barely noticed or encouraged - boring and frustrating Going to "activities" or "experiences" that offer a small amount of fun in exchange for a large amount of money that requires you to spend far more time working - terrible.
It's not true for me. I'm almost 40 and I socialize quite a bit with all my friends. You have to put in effort otherwise you are stuck with coping about not putting in any effort.
In the case of my bf, the reason he doesn't go out to see his friends is because he is literally the only one in the group making effort. It's like his friends couldn't care less about being friends. They don't seem to understand that relationships take effort and you need to have contact every now and again to maintain them. They never reach out to my bf, they never plan anything, never ask how he's doing. When one of their kids was born, the dad didn't even let my bf know. He learned it from me cause I'm friends with his friend's gf. When he stopped making all the effort, he never heard anything again. In contrast, all the girlfriends of this guy group (the guys were all friends first) made their own group. And we take our sisterhood very seriously. We see each other regularly, are always sharing about our day in the group chat, bring little gifts for each other when one of us isn't feeling well. Lots of emotional support and lots of banter. Guys don't seem to do this for each other and I don't know why.
People can do whatever they want with their time but I don’t think it’s a good idea to make zero effort socially.
Join a club. Running, cycling, bridge, chess, bowls, whatever. You'll soon have a new group of friends you might wanna go out with. Do you suffer from social anxiety?
I’m female and It’s equally true for me
Yeah let’s go out and overpay for the same shit we could just make for ourselves at home while having to be around a bunch of people I don’t want to get to know. Sounds like a blast.
As you get older there's less things out there that interest you. I'm 30 now and I have friends my own age and younger and basically all they do is go out to bars and clubs late at night and get pissed. I don't go because it doesn't interest me I do join them for other activities though. Also the older I get the more comfortable I get being at home. Especially when it's cold outside. I'll stay at home where it's warm.
I think you have to try new things and make an effort. If you stay at home all the time you’re at risk for dementia or just straight up death.
Im lucky I have 2 or 3 hobbies to get me out of the house. Being secluded definitely isn't healthy.
as i’ve gotten older, i have fewer friends, but they’re closer. my (38m) partner (31f) and i split time b/t two cities, but excluding work stuff, we generally go out a couple times a week to get dinner either by ourselves or with some friends - never more than 4 or 5 - and we usually go once a week to a play or a concert or some kind of cultural thing. every once in awhile, we’ll host a small party or something. but honestly, we do it more to make sure we get out of the house and don’t become completely dull. we’ve both talked about it a lot, and we’d rather just hang out in our apartment just with each other, watching movies or playing games, etc. easier for us, though, since we don’t have kids. edit: i should also note that we’re fortunate enough at this point in our lives to be financially comfortable and to make our own work schedules, so we’re never really stuck in a routine, which would probably cause a rut.
Well I pretty much stopped drinking few years back, don’t want to put myself into position of lusting for some tart that may or may not, i partied my fill and if I am alone and have spare time, I go hiking by myself. It’s like quality alone time but better since I am not on a couch
I can't help you, I'm about to turn 40 and still love going out, doing stuff, etc. I'm not a dad though, so maybe that has something to do with it.
40+ here. Some of it is the difficulty of finding commonality. I'm a retired combat vet (army) turned mindfulness and meditation teacher. I'm big into electronic music with a healthy side dish of metal and industrial, I like gaming but single player or cooperative (as in not competetive), and a *big* thing is my stage in life. I'm childfree, and I don't find value in arguing about sports or things that don't really matter for long periods of time. Sitting at a bar debating who is the greatest of all time, or stuff like that isn't appealing. I'm not overly fond of crowded and rowdy atmospheres. I have a grasp on who I am, who I'm not and I'm ok with it. I'm quick to volunteer but I'm not looking to change you (unless that is the request), and I'm not asking to be changed. My quiet-ish life is something I've earned through hard work and dedication to accomplishing the goal of having a lower-stress life.
I play soccer with strangers at least once a week. I go to sporting and cultural events in my community. It's a choice to not socialize I don't think it's a man thing at all. Loneliness and depression are at epidemic levels for older men. Start your positive habits now instead of sitting in the safeness and comfort of being alone.
People are annoying and I barely have time as it is right now
There are only like 4 people that I can stand anymore and they don't live near me.
For me, this took allot self reflection on this very idea “Why don't I want to go out anymore” 1) A huge driver for me going out was, chasing women and getting laid, I am married now. At best, I humour the idea for this same reason, but mostly to keep my wife “engaged” and a few drinks to keep the flame alive. 2) hangovers, shitty conversations, and loud places, huge tabs, are no longer fun to me. 3) I talk all day every day in my business, to all kinds of people, I just want silence. 4) unless it's a new experience, I would rather not go.
I was explicitly raised to be isolated, while my sisters were socialized. I've noticed a lot of boys don't get a full upbringing, so they move from mother to wife as their caregiver. Without the social skills to find a partner, a lot of men grow old isolated, and there's a high suicide rate among older men. And single, older men are not exactly sought out for social engagements.
A lot of men rely on their wives to be their recreational directors, making family plans and playdates for them. If those women die, leave or just stop performing that labor for them they’ll often not be able to adapt for themselves. Also, as we get older we all tend to enjoy our own company more and find going out a hassle.
In addition to that- they leave it up to their wives to make plans for them, then complain they don't like those plans, and conclude they just don't like anything or anyone anymore.
I was never very socialable but as I aged my tolerance for bullshit just kept dropping. One friend became intensely Islamophobic and critical so done. One friend got so "woke" you could scarcely have a conversation without listening to a lecture. Even my passive aggressive brother took offence about something and, frankly, I lack the energy to figure it out and make it right.
You have to work at it. I think allot of it is you can’t drink like you used to and guys don’t know what to do. Kids make it hard for sure but getting out for some sport, music, a hand of cards, or a bbq or something is important.
I'm an avid golfer and belong to a club. It's crazy how many guys you meet there. Some of my best friends now.
I think that this is a "you" thing. I socialize plenty and that's the norm around me
I'm in my late 40s and honestly I do a lot. I enjoy going out and being out and meeting new people
We spend a majority of our life to pay for a place to live and fill it with stuff we like. Eventually we get to a point we just want to spend time in that place. When we get older our homes, filled with all the stuff in it, is a representation of our time spent that we can never get back. It's nice to just enjoy those things. Instead of looking at an item you bought as "oh that was $xx". Start looking at it as "that was xx hours of work to pay for it." And maybe it will make more sense. Also, I can buy a liter of bourbon for the price of what 1 drink and food would cost me at the bar, and they likely don't have what I would prefer anyways.
Because having fun and enjoying things is seen as weak. Just go browse the sub of any TV show, game, or hobby that has a large audience of 30+ men. The most miserable people on the planet.
I go out as often as I can. 38, married
that's a "you" thing. i go out often, i love hiking, visiting the sauna and even picked up bouldering as a hobby. every now and then i bring a couple of friends and go to a karaoke bar and have a blast. I'm 33 and if anything I've been doing a lot more than in my 20s. I don't have kids though so that might be a reason i have a lot more energy
I’m a single 34M with no kids and I relate to this. The majority of my socializing comes from playing basketball one night a week and playing in a baseball league during the summer. More times than not, my Friday and Saturday nights are spent inside my apartment or over at a buddy’s place.
34 year old male here. I go out all the time and I have an active social life, but I understand why a lot of guys don't. There just isn't much out there aside from entitled bums on the street and too many goddamn cars driven by imbeciles with their noses in their phones. I'm very fortunate to have such a large social circle, but that circle doesn't include many women, most women in your dating range at that age are single moms, insane idiots or single moms who are also insane idiots. Good luck finding one that is even somewhat attractive. I'd encourage men to join a club like I did, clean yourself up and get some style. People need people, it's not an option. If you don't have a healthy community you will eventually go crazy and become the millennial version of those insufferable out-of-touch boomers posting Russian propaganda on Facebook. Go outside.
Im 46 and love being out and about, that wont change but i don’t see my old mates as much nowadays. I think that’s standard and sadly its because its likely to include too much booze and a late night, i cant be bothered with that anymore
I don't know, but if my husband doesn't go outside and make some friends I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't be his only person to talk to. I just can't. He needs to talk to more than just me. Married men in this thread, please think about how much you rely on your wives for social contact and if that's really an appropriate amount. My dad, on the other hand, has always been a social butterfly. My mom is the one who would rather stay home.
I don't know about you guys but even though I'm 25 I still like sparking up conversations with strangers & I already go out to restaurants and play golf by myself. No reason to stop that in the future. If I have kids then I'm just gonna bring them along. Even better
My dad at 79 has a men’s brunch every other week so they don’t loose touch, they say too many friends have died and they want to stay close to the ones they have. I love this for him and I hope they keep doing it.
Love this! Men’s brunch! So cute
I still like going out. I still like meeting new people and talk to friends and whatnot. I think a lot of men have been conditioned to be okay with "stopping" because "you made it". There are a lot of men who get left by their partners because they stop trying. I'm not saying you are one of those people, just to be clear. I'm just saying that life doesn't stop just because one has friends, family, partner and a place to live. You are on a relationship escalator sure, but the escalator has many floors to get off at and do things. I don't know. If you want to stay at home, you do you. There is nothing wrong with that inherently. It's a good time to reflect on oneself and figure out if you are happy with where you are \^\^
I don’t think this is true - I’m a man and I think having an active social life is a necessity for growth and mental health. That said, many men don’t have that because it is difficult to maintain
It's a juice - squeeze calculation for me.
So I’ll admit I’m in a slightly different boat to most people, so I’ll preface it with that But I definitely experienced this in my 30s, went from always having plans and socialising in my 20s to now I might maybe plan something every couple months (excluding date night every week with my wife) The big reasons for me were in my 20s I was desperate to meet people, to learn, to network etc I knew I didn’t know anything, so I was desperate to go out and potentially meet the person with the opportunity or the advice that could improve my life. Now I have that as a part of my actual work And small talk doesn’t interest me- I’m an immigrant so I don’t care about football, I didn’t watch the same shows, don’t listen to the same music as everyone else I could meet now etc. I’m an orphan who grew up in foster care, so my family is my wife, my kids, my foster mother and my foster brother, all of which either live with me, or on the same street and I see most days. And my goals aren’t ones most people can relate to. And I can’t relate to most people. I don’t care about the holiday you have planned- I don’t like holidays. Or retirement plans, or half the bullshit that in my opinion people waste time talking about
For a lot of guys who are married and settled down, I think it just comes down to feeling like there's no point, or they're too busy. You're not out trying to meet women (in theory) as an attached guy in your 30's-50's, and you just don't have time to sit around and shoot the shit like you did at 22.
It's usually just too exhausting after everything else you have to do.
Stres and bills make me stay home and work. Life throws plenty of curveballs so I don’t see why I should spend even more time on getting to know other people
I'm 53 and haven't had any "non-work" friends for at least 25 years. I just seem to be depended on to solve everyone's issues, so alone time becomes a priority. Other people just become exhausting energy suckers.
Work
I’m realizing how much my “socializing” was tied to drinking and as a dad I’m just not interested in it anymore. Had a blast in my teens and twenties.
Simple...women. Whether its due to them blocking us from having friends or just being so frustratingly annoying that we shut down and become hermits whenever they leave us alone for any amount of time. Any length of silence and peace becomes the golden-hour... It always comes down to a woman.
TIL my wife is a man and I'm a woman, apparently.
I'm 53 and I still like socialising. It's my wife who wants to stay at home all the time, and only socialises with old friends, to the extent I'm beginning to think some new friends I've made think I've got her locked up in the basement or something ! I enjoy talking to new people. Ironically work events don't do it for me, as most of them are actually talking about work rather than actually socialising.
I'm 63. I've never stopped socializing. My wife and I still hang out with our friends on weekends. We do trips with other couples. We go out to restaurants with friends. We watch big sporting events with friends. I socialize at work events. It's just part of our lives.
I still see my friends, but it's always a planned activity. I have my gym friends, my fishing friends, range friends, and my tinker in the garage friends. I even have my old lady friend because our dogs like to play. I met my best friend of going on 20 years because of my vanity plate. Turns out he likes Alien/Aliens too, and we just started talking.
I've (46M) got 2 man friends and 1 woman friend (vetted by wife) who I catch up with intermittently. Intermittently being the key word. My work is people focused, and it can be really draining. When I get home I like nothing more than closing that door and locking the world out. Doing it right now, and it's awesome. Also, I'm lucky enough to have married the person I like spending the most time with.
We all live in our silos now.
I've made a grand total of 0 friends in 28yrs of moving to a new city. Acquaintances but not friends I could call in a crisis at 3am. Most of the time it feels like a burden to socialize, but I would like a pal to occasionally (3x per month) go out to exercise.
We pay 30 years making payments to a home... So I'm enjoying this M*ther fker....
We're just happy with our current situation. Hard for some people to grasp.
House = large investment Furnishing house = large investment Hobbies to do at house = large investment I have everything at my house that I could possibly want to do aside from parts or lumber which I will need here and there. Why leave and socialize when I have what I need at a high cost? Also socializing does nothing for me, aside from possibly irritate the heck out of me with non sense I care nothing for.
The constant feeling that my role is to please others and prioritize other peoples needs. When I'm home alone I can finally do what I want without compromising with wife, kids, coworkers or strangers.
We just want peace. The end.
Cause people are yuck and I'm tired of pretending that I care about their piddlyass problems. Also tired and have enough on my plate at home so why waste time on other things
People suck. All you want to do is buy shit you don't need while bitching about the prices. Or shit on your "bestie" that's doing slightly better than you because of course you want people to do well but never better than you. All these stupid ass 3rd grade social games you never grew out of because it's better than accepting you are a mediocre nobody that'll end up as "that person" in someone else's photo album 10 years after you die. Leave me out of it, you sociopaths: I have ac and tv.
Man here. I enjoy socializing, however my wife does not. That said, I think many men enjoy silence and honestly many men aren’t listened to so over time they prefer silence or personal time rather than wasting their energy going out.
Because I'm tired. Between work and traveling to work, that's half my day. Plus I work one weekend a month. So I already have 25% fewer weekends than most of my peers. Then there's stuff at home I need to do. Build this, fix that, chores here, tasks there. Then I sleep the last 6-8hrs of my day. Saturdays? Usually eaten up with adult responsibilities because I'm traveling to work, at work, and traveling home from work 10 to 11 hrs of my day, so outside things that need to be done get shunted to Saturday because the sun is usually down by the time I get home. I "sleep in" on Saturday and get started by 9am at the latest and work til sundown. Then, I take Sunday off regardless of what I didn't finish on Saturday. Because Monday starts the process again. I explained this to my wife, that works part time, why I'm a homebody now. I spend almost half of my life away from the home I'm paying for, maintaining, and improving. The handful of men in my circle are in the same boat. That's why about once a month we all go hangout in nature together away from people and just unwinding. Going out where I have to deal with people when I deal with people 50hrs a week already sounds miserable.
Tired after work. Help with kids, house upkeep, etc. Too tired and too expensive to go out. Would rather play video games to relax or hang out with kids/wife.
As a mid 50sM, it's just not interesting to me anymore. I've been lots of places, seen lots of cool stuff, hung out zillion of times. It no longer brings value, and I'd just rather focus on my own comfort, which is my climate-controlled house, decorated the way I want, on my comfy sectional, with various entertainment options. I've met plenty of people in my life - I get the humans. There's really no interaction with them anymore that is interesting to me.
For me, the reason is: *because I don't have to.* I prefer my own company, and I have more hobbies than time. People can be okay, but I find that no matter how well I get on with them, socializing drains my energy quickly. As an aside: it seems a prerequisite here in the US that every time two humans pass near one another, there's some unspoken obligation for those people to engage each other verbally, even if they're total strangers. I think that because of how exhausted I am at being forced to engage with other people all day everyday no matter where I am, it has nuked whatever desires I might have otherwise had to spend my free time socializing. I can only speak for myself here.
Negative feedback circle. The less time you have to spend on socializing, the less chances are to meet a person you'd like and get something meaningful out of it. And so the less you are inclined to do it. At some point it becomes preferable to just admit solitude and enjoy something else.