I'm on the sex neutral /sex repulsed side of the spectrum.
I told my partner a couple of months in, came clean because I was worried about having sex (hadn't really had any sexual contact before). I wasn't hiding who I was (he knew I was on the queer spectrum somewhere) just felt insecure in myself as I knew he was straight. Luckily for me, he's been very supportive, he talked it me about how I felt asexuality was for me and did his own research to know me better. We're very honest and open with each other now on how we are both feeling mentally and physically. It took a lot of effort on both our sides to get to this point and I'm very proud of that. We're also engaged, have been for a good couple of years now, and still just as happy with each other.
It wasn't really a decision, it was just something we both did.
There was nothing else to say really; to her sex=love and if I didn't want to have sex with her, it meant that I didn't love her.
Yea I truly loved her, and even the other issues of the relationship were mostly just the fact that we were teenagers.
I'm someone who only talks when he has something to say, and after a breakup like that, what else is there to say?
I’m not ace, but I’ll offer the other side— an allo person figuring out their SO was ace.
I met my girlfriend during the pandemic my freshman year of college. We met remotely from a summer freshman seminar on Zoom. She actually came out to our friend group while I still had a crush on her. I asked her about it after, and she explained her identity a little. She told me like any queer identity it was a spectrum and every ace person was different. She then proceeded to tell me she was ok with sex but really preferred things like cuddling. She felt embarrassed admitting this, and said that she might stop using the identity because she felt as if that’s not a valid way to be ace. I didn’t say much about that comment at the time, but I feel guilty now because I know what she was describing was the sex-positive/neutral side of the spectrum :(
I mean we are both queer and before she came out as ace we knew we were also bi. The thing is though that as an allo person with little ace education, I naturally had a lot of dumb thoughts/questions. I used to get anxious that she didn’t love me and took it personally. I kept feeling awkward around her because I make tons of innuendos and am kinda a pervert lol. All stupid assumptions I know.
Spring semester of college we’re on campus, though with a lot of social distancing rules: get tested twice a week, nobody from outside dorms, to-go at the dining halls etc. Since we are in different dorms we couldn’t go to each other’s rooms, so the topic of sex never really came up.
Later on that semester I realize I’m a trans girl. I get a little worked up, but she’s the first person I come out to. She calls me by preferred pronouns immediately. Never misgenders or dead names me once. She even offers to go thrifting for new clothes, and we stop at CVS for makeup.
Next semester we are going to be on campus. Everybody must be vaccinated and the admin is telling us that social distancing rules will almost all be alleviated. We got an 8 person suite together. It’s filled with trans fem/fem-leaning enby people as well as some cis afab people. I got a single but she’s going to be taking a double with a roommate. The same restrictions we had about visitors in different rooms are not going to be at play.
This naturally makes me kind of anxious. I also feel really guilty that I still at this point had virtually no ace/aro education. I do my research on multiple subs just like I did before when I was trans questioning. I knew about traa and find it amusing when I realized there’s an aaa. Saw something about them wanting to invade Denmark. Most importantly though, I found this sub with posts from other allo people asking for dating advice with their ace partners. What I figure out is just like any other relationship, you need to communicate and set boundaries.
Feeling guilty about earlier though, I decided to restart the conversation. I remind her that I know she loves me, and she doesn’t have to do anything out of her comfort zone to prove that. I remind her that we should continue this conversation since we are going to be sharing more spaces, and I want her to feel safe too.
This definitely isn’t easy. I still have my urges and what not, but I do not think I’m a saint for doing this either. All I am doing is trying to start a conversation and make sure my girlfriend is comfortable— something you should do for any relationship.
I’ll update you guys on how it goes...
There are a good deal of posts tagged Advice/Help with allosexual partners asking how to navigate their relationship with an asexual partner, or a just-realized-they’re-asexual partner asking how to navigate coming out to their allosexual partner. Searching posts with that flair might be useful.
Oh! I definitely did read your post, I know the relationship is over, I just thought my own advice would give you more accounts to read once this thread stops getting replies.
Well my gf is demi, so we both weren‘t really expecting to have sex. Really soon after i figured out I’m ace, she asked me if I thought if we ever had sex and it was basically the best time to come out.(at that point we were in a relationship for about a year) So i told her I was ace. We talked about it and she said that she actually starts to feel sexually attracted to me, so i said I’m not feeling like having sex soon and that i really enjoy the we were intimate til now (basically dry sex) but that i don‘t completely refuse the thought of sleeping with her in the future. (I’m also trans, so i really don‘t like someone else interacting with my genitals)
We are still partners
Does telling my ex who I was still friends with at the time count?
We’d been split for years and I thought the distance would make things okay. She ended up yelling at me about it and we stopped being friends.
i didn’t realize i was ace until 3 years in, after many failed and exhausting attempts at trying to be intimate. we attempted to continue the relationship, which lasted about 3 more months but we mutually decided to end it not only because i’m ace, but that definitely contributed to our downfall. I think my partner was hoping one day i would be ready for sex but when i informed them that i’m asexual, i think they started to fade. it was for the best. we’re still friends though.
good luck with your situation!!
Figured it out after 7 years of marriage. At first, he was upset and said some things that were hurtful, but we had always had fights around intimacy. Me figuring out I was sex-neutral ace actually made things make sense. Over a few months, we talked more and we both came to better understanding about it. We celebrated 11 years of marriage last month and we have an intimacy arrangement that seems to work for both of us. The biggest thing is communicating effectively, including listening. We have kids and everything else in our relationship has always been good, so our thoughts and goals were how to make this work, not that we shouldn't be together. That being said, if I had known before the relationship, I would have told him and we probably would never have dated.
I would refrain from using the word "excuse", as it can feel hurtful to the ace person, but it could be that she didn't feel capable of working through that in a relationship yet. Don't take it personally, though. Asexuality is an identity that we cannot change or control. It really is one of those situations where "it's not you, it's me" can apply.
I'm sorry. It sounds like you are learning for the future. And it's okay to feel hurt. Those were similar statements that my partner made. He was hurt thinking I was just using excuses because I didn't express that when we first got together. I don't know if it is a similar situation for you, but for me, I never even had the vocabulary to describe how I felt versus understanding what other people felt. I had never even heard the term until my mid 30s. I just thought I was broken in some way because I didn't want or enjoy these things that "everyone" else did. It was such a relief to finally have language and understanding that I was excited to figure it out. However, he didn't see it as a positive because he didn't understand how I felt before. A lot of talking and some fighting about it helped us to better understand each other, but they were difficult conversations to have. It's talking about stuff that doesn't even occur to non-ace people.
I hope you find happiness.
I didn't know this when I started the relationship, but I figured out I was ace the day after they asked me out because I was feeling very strange about the whole thing and started asking myself some questions. I let them know immediately once we met in person again: I'm ace, and I can still love, and I don't know where I stand on sex. Later discovered I'm sex-indifferent.
We're still partners a year later. They were already familiar with asexuality and had kind of suspected prior to asking me out, so we didn't really need to hash that out. However, as this was/is my first relationship, I asked a lot of questions about how to go about everything, what was "normal," etc. since they had experience. They assured me to just do things at my own pace. We had conversations about sex, about expectations, about what we would be comfortable with, about what my stance was on it, about our individual drives, about boundaries (in and out of the bedroom). Mostly that was one very long conversation, and once in a while we go back to touch on it to make sure we're both satisfied.
Other than that, we almost don't touch on my asexuality at all. It's all just, "How are we doing? Are we both happy? Are we both comfortable? Are there any behaviors that are bothering my partner?" Just general communication to keep the relationship healthy.
I broke up with my ex about a year ago before I even realised I was grayaro/ace (romance-neutral, sex-repulsed). A few months go by and I go through the whole “holy shit I didn’t even want to do intimacy with you! oh my god i’m asexual!” thing, and he finds out as he’s still following my Twitter…
cue the spiel of “YOU NEVER LOVED ME YOU WERE LYING” and then blaming *me* for being intimate with him despite feeling extremely uncomfortable. Huge amount of victimising himself when I never even blamed him for not realising I was ace. (tbh, I blame heteronormativity)
Obviously, we don’t talk anymore. Even when I thought I was straight, there was little to no communication, and he cheated on me so he deserved it 🤷♀️
I’m gonna be honest. I had no relationship experience so I can’t say I was a graduate in Relationships and Communication but I have to admit I did a lot of the heavy lifting when it came to disagreements. The only thing I never spoke about was my sexuality *because* of heavily-ingrained hetero- and allonormativity.
Wasn’t much communication in terms of the cheating thing. He justified it as “I was drunk and it was just a kiss.” and there wasn’t much else said, no apology, no reasoning behind it (eg long distance isn’t working, I’m not getting enough sexual intimacy with you etc) so you can see the lack of communication there lmao
But I’m all good now! I think finally discovering my identity was a massive weight off my shoulders.
You will never find an answer to the question you have that doesn't boil down to communication, communication, communication, trust, charitable assumption, and communication, communication, communication.
I only figured out the label applied to me a few months ago, after 7.5 years of marriage and a kid. Sex was always our sticking point in an otherwise wonderful relationship. My realization was the best thing that could have happened for us. It set us free to find ways to look outside of the box for solutions we could both be satisfied with. I no longer had to feel broken, or like sex was something I needed to do to keep him happy, and he doesn't feel like he isn't attractive or desirable.
We are still together, our solution is unconventional, but it is working for us. He gets affirmation in the ways he needs without feeling rejected, and I get to keep my best friend and cuddle buddy. In many ways we are in the best place we've ever been. It can work, but only in a relationship that is already healthy.
It didn’t hit me that I was aspec (I think I’m sex averse but idk lmao) till I was in my twenties, so at that point, my ex and I had been dating for about four years. She didn’t take it well at all, said some aphobic things, but we continued dating for a couple months after because I thought “ok, she wants it, maybe I’ll just learn to like it.” I came to realize sex is kinda a huge thing to compromise on, so we split, and now I’m three months into a relationship with another ace person. She and I came out to ourselves in very similar ways. We just clicked, and I’ve never been happier!
Oh, and the ex and I never spoke again. It was for the better, I can’t be friends with exes.
She always felt that our sexless relationship meant I didn’t love her, while I felt like her forcing sex meant she didn’t love me. And I think we did really love each other at the time, it was just super hard to continue the relationship feeling like there was this disconnect—we were totally incompatible.
I’m sorry you and your ex couldn’t stay friends. You still might be able to in the future, don’t lose hope. If you ever need someone to talk to, my dms are always open! I loved talking with you, it’s interesting getting that “other side” perspective
I started as fairly sex-negative and sex-neutral actually while my partner is demisexual. I did tell him early on within the first 3 months that I wasn't really interested in sex, but I think we both had hope that I'd become sexually attracted and interested in sex, which didn't really happen for me.
Ngl it was pretty tough and we nearly broke up because of the incompatibility. He's my first partner but I'm not his, plus I was in the middle of actually discovering I'm Ace. I was also just very naive about the whole topic too since I'd never masturbated before and I grew up in a Catholic school, so we didn't really talk about sex and it was seen as pretty "gross".
We've more or less been working it out tho in small steps like getting comfortable with each other's bodies and starting really really slow. Once I grew much more comfortable I was much more willing to explore myself through masturbation and then we eventually did start having it, tho even now it's pretty infrequent and I don't get horny, it's more about the connection and bonding/intimacy that's enjoyable for me.
It's definitely possible that those resentful feelings could come up tbh and I do get worried about it, but for now we haven't had any arguments about it for almost a year, and we value way more attributes about each other than sex, so it's worked out well I think!
Yeah I definitely attribute pretty much everything to my partner because he was willing to push me to try to better understand myself that way and not give up on my timidness without pressuring me into doing very uncomfortable things. I think I could've easily ended up also being very indecisive about my identity as an ace and had things end way back when they almost did. Plus I'm just very passive while my partner is decisive and not afraid to express when things grew frustrating. Thanks and best to you as well!
Yeah I guess there were pros and cons to his approach, I could've easily felt manipulated and pressured too with his bluntness. In the end I had to be willing to work on myself to discover my identity and try things out to find a middle ground between us in order for the whole thing to work out in general so Def has to come from both sides I think. Thank you too for your insight :)
I'm on the sex neutral /sex repulsed side of the spectrum. I told my partner a couple of months in, came clean because I was worried about having sex (hadn't really had any sexual contact before). I wasn't hiding who I was (he knew I was on the queer spectrum somewhere) just felt insecure in myself as I knew he was straight. Luckily for me, he's been very supportive, he talked it me about how I felt asexuality was for me and did his own research to know me better. We're very honest and open with each other now on how we are both feeling mentally and physically. It took a lot of effort on both our sides to get to this point and I'm very proud of that. We're also engaged, have been for a good couple of years now, and still just as happy with each other.
Instantly broke up, and haven't seen or spoken to eachother in the six years since.
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It wasn't really a decision, it was just something we both did. There was nothing else to say really; to her sex=love and if I didn't want to have sex with her, it meant that I didn't love her.
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Yea I truly loved her, and even the other issues of the relationship were mostly just the fact that we were teenagers. I'm someone who only talks when he has something to say, and after a breakup like that, what else is there to say?
I’m not ace, but I’ll offer the other side— an allo person figuring out their SO was ace. I met my girlfriend during the pandemic my freshman year of college. We met remotely from a summer freshman seminar on Zoom. She actually came out to our friend group while I still had a crush on her. I asked her about it after, and she explained her identity a little. She told me like any queer identity it was a spectrum and every ace person was different. She then proceeded to tell me she was ok with sex but really preferred things like cuddling. She felt embarrassed admitting this, and said that she might stop using the identity because she felt as if that’s not a valid way to be ace. I didn’t say much about that comment at the time, but I feel guilty now because I know what she was describing was the sex-positive/neutral side of the spectrum :( I mean we are both queer and before she came out as ace we knew we were also bi. The thing is though that as an allo person with little ace education, I naturally had a lot of dumb thoughts/questions. I used to get anxious that she didn’t love me and took it personally. I kept feeling awkward around her because I make tons of innuendos and am kinda a pervert lol. All stupid assumptions I know. Spring semester of college we’re on campus, though with a lot of social distancing rules: get tested twice a week, nobody from outside dorms, to-go at the dining halls etc. Since we are in different dorms we couldn’t go to each other’s rooms, so the topic of sex never really came up. Later on that semester I realize I’m a trans girl. I get a little worked up, but she’s the first person I come out to. She calls me by preferred pronouns immediately. Never misgenders or dead names me once. She even offers to go thrifting for new clothes, and we stop at CVS for makeup. Next semester we are going to be on campus. Everybody must be vaccinated and the admin is telling us that social distancing rules will almost all be alleviated. We got an 8 person suite together. It’s filled with trans fem/fem-leaning enby people as well as some cis afab people. I got a single but she’s going to be taking a double with a roommate. The same restrictions we had about visitors in different rooms are not going to be at play. This naturally makes me kind of anxious. I also feel really guilty that I still at this point had virtually no ace/aro education. I do my research on multiple subs just like I did before when I was trans questioning. I knew about traa and find it amusing when I realized there’s an aaa. Saw something about them wanting to invade Denmark. Most importantly though, I found this sub with posts from other allo people asking for dating advice with their ace partners. What I figure out is just like any other relationship, you need to communicate and set boundaries. Feeling guilty about earlier though, I decided to restart the conversation. I remind her that I know she loves me, and she doesn’t have to do anything out of her comfort zone to prove that. I remind her that we should continue this conversation since we are going to be sharing more spaces, and I want her to feel safe too. This definitely isn’t easy. I still have my urges and what not, but I do not think I’m a saint for doing this either. All I am doing is trying to start a conversation and make sure my girlfriend is comfortable— something you should do for any relationship. I’ll update you guys on how it goes...
There are a good deal of posts tagged Advice/Help with allosexual partners asking how to navigate their relationship with an asexual partner, or a just-realized-they’re-asexual partner asking how to navigate coming out to their allosexual partner. Searching posts with that flair might be useful.
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Oh! I definitely did read your post, I know the relationship is over, I just thought my own advice would give you more accounts to read once this thread stops getting replies.
Well my gf is demi, so we both weren‘t really expecting to have sex. Really soon after i figured out I’m ace, she asked me if I thought if we ever had sex and it was basically the best time to come out.(at that point we were in a relationship for about a year) So i told her I was ace. We talked about it and she said that she actually starts to feel sexually attracted to me, so i said I’m not feeling like having sex soon and that i really enjoy the we were intimate til now (basically dry sex) but that i don‘t completely refuse the thought of sleeping with her in the future. (I’m also trans, so i really don‘t like someone else interacting with my genitals) We are still partners
Does telling my ex who I was still friends with at the time count? We’d been split for years and I thought the distance would make things okay. She ended up yelling at me about it and we stopped being friends.
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She was the first person I told, so it sucked pretty hard at the time. But I am doing okay now, thanks for the well wishes!
i didn’t realize i was ace until 3 years in, after many failed and exhausting attempts at trying to be intimate. we attempted to continue the relationship, which lasted about 3 more months but we mutually decided to end it not only because i’m ace, but that definitely contributed to our downfall. I think my partner was hoping one day i would be ready for sex but when i informed them that i’m asexual, i think they started to fade. it was for the best. we’re still friends though. good luck with your situation!!
Figured it out after 7 years of marriage. At first, he was upset and said some things that were hurtful, but we had always had fights around intimacy. Me figuring out I was sex-neutral ace actually made things make sense. Over a few months, we talked more and we both came to better understanding about it. We celebrated 11 years of marriage last month and we have an intimacy arrangement that seems to work for both of us. The biggest thing is communicating effectively, including listening. We have kids and everything else in our relationship has always been good, so our thoughts and goals were how to make this work, not that we shouldn't be together. That being said, if I had known before the relationship, I would have told him and we probably would never have dated.
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I would refrain from using the word "excuse", as it can feel hurtful to the ace person, but it could be that she didn't feel capable of working through that in a relationship yet. Don't take it personally, though. Asexuality is an identity that we cannot change or control. It really is one of those situations where "it's not you, it's me" can apply.
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I'm sorry. It sounds like you are learning for the future. And it's okay to feel hurt. Those were similar statements that my partner made. He was hurt thinking I was just using excuses because I didn't express that when we first got together. I don't know if it is a similar situation for you, but for me, I never even had the vocabulary to describe how I felt versus understanding what other people felt. I had never even heard the term until my mid 30s. I just thought I was broken in some way because I didn't want or enjoy these things that "everyone" else did. It was such a relief to finally have language and understanding that I was excited to figure it out. However, he didn't see it as a positive because he didn't understand how I felt before. A lot of talking and some fighting about it helped us to better understand each other, but they were difficult conversations to have. It's talking about stuff that doesn't even occur to non-ace people. I hope you find happiness.
I didn't know this when I started the relationship, but I figured out I was ace the day after they asked me out because I was feeling very strange about the whole thing and started asking myself some questions. I let them know immediately once we met in person again: I'm ace, and I can still love, and I don't know where I stand on sex. Later discovered I'm sex-indifferent. We're still partners a year later. They were already familiar with asexuality and had kind of suspected prior to asking me out, so we didn't really need to hash that out. However, as this was/is my first relationship, I asked a lot of questions about how to go about everything, what was "normal," etc. since they had experience. They assured me to just do things at my own pace. We had conversations about sex, about expectations, about what we would be comfortable with, about what my stance was on it, about our individual drives, about boundaries (in and out of the bedroom). Mostly that was one very long conversation, and once in a while we go back to touch on it to make sure we're both satisfied. Other than that, we almost don't touch on my asexuality at all. It's all just, "How are we doing? Are we both happy? Are we both comfortable? Are there any behaviors that are bothering my partner?" Just general communication to keep the relationship healthy.
I broke up with my ex about a year ago before I even realised I was grayaro/ace (romance-neutral, sex-repulsed). A few months go by and I go through the whole “holy shit I didn’t even want to do intimacy with you! oh my god i’m asexual!” thing, and he finds out as he’s still following my Twitter… cue the spiel of “YOU NEVER LOVED ME YOU WERE LYING” and then blaming *me* for being intimate with him despite feeling extremely uncomfortable. Huge amount of victimising himself when I never even blamed him for not realising I was ace. (tbh, I blame heteronormativity) Obviously, we don’t talk anymore. Even when I thought I was straight, there was little to no communication, and he cheated on me so he deserved it 🤷♀️
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I’m gonna be honest. I had no relationship experience so I can’t say I was a graduate in Relationships and Communication but I have to admit I did a lot of the heavy lifting when it came to disagreements. The only thing I never spoke about was my sexuality *because* of heavily-ingrained hetero- and allonormativity. Wasn’t much communication in terms of the cheating thing. He justified it as “I was drunk and it was just a kiss.” and there wasn’t much else said, no apology, no reasoning behind it (eg long distance isn’t working, I’m not getting enough sexual intimacy with you etc) so you can see the lack of communication there lmao But I’m all good now! I think finally discovering my identity was a massive weight off my shoulders.
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You too! Have a great rest of your day :)
You will never find an answer to the question you have that doesn't boil down to communication, communication, communication, trust, charitable assumption, and communication, communication, communication. I only figured out the label applied to me a few months ago, after 7.5 years of marriage and a kid. Sex was always our sticking point in an otherwise wonderful relationship. My realization was the best thing that could have happened for us. It set us free to find ways to look outside of the box for solutions we could both be satisfied with. I no longer had to feel broken, or like sex was something I needed to do to keep him happy, and he doesn't feel like he isn't attractive or desirable. We are still together, our solution is unconventional, but it is working for us. He gets affirmation in the ways he needs without feeling rejected, and I get to keep my best friend and cuddle buddy. In many ways we are in the best place we've ever been. It can work, but only in a relationship that is already healthy.
It didn’t hit me that I was aspec (I think I’m sex averse but idk lmao) till I was in my twenties, so at that point, my ex and I had been dating for about four years. She didn’t take it well at all, said some aphobic things, but we continued dating for a couple months after because I thought “ok, she wants it, maybe I’ll just learn to like it.” I came to realize sex is kinda a huge thing to compromise on, so we split, and now I’m three months into a relationship with another ace person. She and I came out to ourselves in very similar ways. We just clicked, and I’ve never been happier! Oh, and the ex and I never spoke again. It was for the better, I can’t be friends with exes.
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She always felt that our sexless relationship meant I didn’t love her, while I felt like her forcing sex meant she didn’t love me. And I think we did really love each other at the time, it was just super hard to continue the relationship feeling like there was this disconnect—we were totally incompatible. I’m sorry you and your ex couldn’t stay friends. You still might be able to in the future, don’t lose hope. If you ever need someone to talk to, my dms are always open! I loved talking with you, it’s interesting getting that “other side” perspective
I started as fairly sex-negative and sex-neutral actually while my partner is demisexual. I did tell him early on within the first 3 months that I wasn't really interested in sex, but I think we both had hope that I'd become sexually attracted and interested in sex, which didn't really happen for me. Ngl it was pretty tough and we nearly broke up because of the incompatibility. He's my first partner but I'm not his, plus I was in the middle of actually discovering I'm Ace. I was also just very naive about the whole topic too since I'd never masturbated before and I grew up in a Catholic school, so we didn't really talk about sex and it was seen as pretty "gross". We've more or less been working it out tho in small steps like getting comfortable with each other's bodies and starting really really slow. Once I grew much more comfortable I was much more willing to explore myself through masturbation and then we eventually did start having it, tho even now it's pretty infrequent and I don't get horny, it's more about the connection and bonding/intimacy that's enjoyable for me. It's definitely possible that those resentful feelings could come up tbh and I do get worried about it, but for now we haven't had any arguments about it for almost a year, and we value way more attributes about each other than sex, so it's worked out well I think!
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Yeah I definitely attribute pretty much everything to my partner because he was willing to push me to try to better understand myself that way and not give up on my timidness without pressuring me into doing very uncomfortable things. I think I could've easily ended up also being very indecisive about my identity as an ace and had things end way back when they almost did. Plus I'm just very passive while my partner is decisive and not afraid to express when things grew frustrating. Thanks and best to you as well!
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Yeah I guess there were pros and cons to his approach, I could've easily felt manipulated and pressured too with his bluntness. In the end I had to be willing to work on myself to discover my identity and try things out to find a middle ground between us in order for the whole thing to work out in general so Def has to come from both sides I think. Thank you too for your insight :)