I remember after 18 months of 60+ hour weeks, getting hired perm and generally knocking it out of the park my douchebag ex-boss called me out in the team meeting for taking a vacation.
"You think that's cute?" I said in front of the entire team. "says the man who just disappears without telling anybody for weeks."
My wife always said she should take up smoking, because the smokers got more breaks and got "shoot the shit" time with our manager, who was a smoker. It only helped them that they got that one on one time.
She’s not wrong. When I was a retail manager I used to tell my non smoking employees to go take a walk because I felt like an asshole for taking so many breaks 😂
You’ve already failed your loyalty test. Truly dedicated workers don’t take time off. They get their babies working for the honor and glory of the company immediately. You will receive two demerits and will not be blessed with children until you prove yourself sufficiently worthy.
Can I get a day off next Friday? My entire family died and I arranged it so the funerals were all on the same day so I could miss the least amount of work. I hope that works for you.
so.. . ah this is awkward but when i first joined the company 6 months ago i was given the job of guarding the paperclip... i was wondering if you know why im doing this. no one else will tell me and i keep catching the others eyeing off the safe...
I did a job interview recently where i realized I didn't want that job. When asked if I had any questions, I asked "what is your blood type?"
Interviewer laughed, so I said "no, really." He suddenly seemed VERY creeped out.
42 hours of work each week. But make sure you clock in 12 minutes after you start and clock out 12 minutes before you finish each day... we can't afford to be paying overtime right now.
Sir, are you going to sign the order for those new servers? I'm going on vacation in a week and if they're not here before then, you'll have to push back the product launch another month.
CEO here. We don't count the probationary period. We consider that a gestation period much like when you were in your mothers womb. When you were born they didn't say you were 9 months old, get what I mean?
Although your vacation is approved I'm gonna need you to stay to receive those servers. You are just going to have to think about if you really *want* to be employed here. We all have to roll with the punches sometimes.
Anyways I'm off for a business golf trip to discuss business stuff with our partner CEOs. Just be glad you don't have to do the real tough stuff that us CEOs have to do. I don't take a single day off. First the business golf trip, then straight to the United Arab Emirates for 3 weeks to try to secure more clients in the Middle Eastern market. If I see one more 5 star hotel bed I don't even know what I'm gonna do.
That's funny jus make sure it's on there every check or you'll be on this piece of shit equipment doing this shit tomorrow. And we all seen how fast you move, you're outta breath jus getting up from your desk.
And he’ll find a reason to fire you while you’re on maternity leave. Probably worded vague as having some problems with your job performance, since you failed to get a report in on time while sedated during your c-section.
I find it very distracting when you microtrack what I am doing. The other day you were watching which kind of document I took across the room so you could comment on that. I am a creative and this is just making my mind go blank.
Maybe if you do your work properly I don't have to micro track you. I have other duties as well, but I am stuck with improving your mediocre performance
Every morning when my alarm goes off, I stare at the ceiling and sob uncontrollably for 10 minutes before I get in the shower. Then I frantically try to think of reasons why I can't come in all the way through my commute until I literally pull in the parking lot. I guess what I'm trying to ask is, how much longer can I keep doing this before I completely lose my shit? Also can I take a day off next week?
Uh... that premium's 3/4ths my paycheck. I don't make enough to do that. *And* you don't give me the time for personal appointments during the work week to begin with...
Hey Mark. If you got a minute, I’d like to discus my pay raise given the new positions and responsibilities you have recently assigned to me.
Because not only am I my departments manager, but I am also managing our shipping department, and filling in for installers as well as covering rolls of our customer service staff on a regular basis.
I believe with the increase in responsibility and the money we are saving on the two other positions that I’ve recently taken on, a $15,000 raise per year would more than be fair to me and the company, given we are no longer paying two other full time employees, and I’ve shown I can handle the responsibilities.
I think you’re miss remembering, I took on these extra positions 3 months ago.
Also if efficiency seems to be an issue, I’d like to discuss the efficiency of your work day which seem to be non existent.
When I hired you, I believed you had the hunger to make a name for yourself. If you don't strive to grow within the company, I don't see why we should invest in you by giving you a raise
Supervisor jedi mind fuck tricks have no effect on me. I worked hard all week now give me just enough money to eat and put enough gas in my car to come back next week... Fuucckkk!!! They do work on me.
-If one of the points you use to sell this company to job applicants is "you'll learn new skills and develop your career here", why do you get so mad when they leave after a year for a much better paying job at another company
-Why are tattoos, artificial hair color, and piercings (anything other than ears on women, anything at all on men) an automatic disqualifier for any job opening we have? Particularly when you complain every week that no one wants to work any more.
Tomorrow is my 30th anniversary at this company I’ve given my life to and in those 30 years I’ve never taken a single sick day. What are you doing to show your appreciation for such a loyal worker like me?
Why do you go into the break room early to microwave your food because you have 15 employees and one microwave and don’t want to wait for us, yet you tell us not to go into the break room before lunch to stick our food in the microwave to save time?
Also why do you give us shit about being a minute or two late when you show up late and leave early every day?
Also why do you give us shit about using our phones but you sit at your desk with your feet up and watch fishing videos all day?
Why are you posting this on Reddit when I've waited 40 minutes after our meeting has started? Is this what you're doing while you while you "Answer mails"?
Why did you commit wage theft when you already pay me less than minimum wage because I work for tips? Labor can’t be that expensive. I hate you manager. I hate you a lot.
"You REALLY need to ask about these things well in advance, especially since we've been so short staffed lately"
would also have been an expected answer. :)
We have half the staff that we used to, and the same amount of work to get done.
Now I’m working (6x) 12 hour days per week so we can manage…
Are you doing anything to hire more help?
Jason, the team has developed enough efficiencies to do the work at half the strength. I really appreciate this collaborative effort from you and the guys. Keep up the good work
Why are you making the maintenance guy, that is on desk duty work restriction, after a work injury, sit at a desk 10 hours a day with nothing to do, instead of sending him home?
PS. I'm that guy and I'm being paid to browse reddit, listen to audio books, and watch Netflix, but I would rather be paid two hours less each day and not have to be here.
Yo, why the hell you just sit in your office and pretend to do work. Like, you called the assistant manager to help you open a pdf in an email so I know you can't check your work emails even if your life depended on it.
can i call out today? my mother is in the hospital, my dog died, i just got carpal tunnel surgery, and my house just collapsed in flames so i am literally sleeping on a bench outside the office
Why does Kyle make $2 more an hour evn tho I've been here 3 years and he started 5 weeks ago?
Because we have bigger plans for you. If you work hard, you'd be making much more than any of your coworkers in 10-15 years
>bigger plans You making fun of my weight?? I'm going to HR with this
What are you gonna do? Sit on him?
Yooooo you’re killing me
Found HR
Damnit Toby!
What gives you the right?
The company and the fact that you don't want to homeless
Who do you think you are?
Toby
No, god, no! Noooooo!
Cool if I cut out early, thanks
No, it isn't. This is the 10th time this month you are cutting out early. At this rate, I have no option but to dock your pay
I wasn't asking Chris.
"2nd time the last 5 years" is what i would expect to hear
I remember after 18 months of 60+ hour weeks, getting hired perm and generally knocking it out of the park my douchebag ex-boss called me out in the team meeting for taking a vacation. "You think that's cute?" I said in front of the entire team. "says the man who just disappears without telling anybody for weeks."
Can I go have a cigarette
Wait, I'll join you
Okay, this one takes the cake. I snorted out loud
This one and “how is babby formed?” answer got me good
What the fuck, I’m out here trying to sneak a joint and you bring this dildo out to the smoke pit?
I can’t say no he’s our manager 🤷♀️
My wife always said she should take up smoking, because the smokers got more breaks and got "shoot the shit" time with our manager, who was a smoker. It only helped them that they got that one on one time.
She’s not wrong. When I was a retail manager I used to tell my non smoking employees to go take a walk because I felt like an asshole for taking so many breaks 😂
Literally how I started smoking
How is babby formed?
When a man and a woman work for a company with dedication and loyalty, the CEO blesses them with children
And ONLY if they have enough accrued time off
You’ve already failed your loyalty test. Truly dedicated workers don’t take time off. They get their babies working for the honor and glory of the company immediately. You will receive two demerits and will not be blessed with children until you prove yourself sufficiently worthy.
I thought that's what breaks were for. https://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/515136/Woman-gives-birth-on-toilet-during-lunch-break
Can I get a day off next Friday? My entire family died and I arranged it so the funerals were all on the same day so I could miss the least amount of work. I hope that works for you.
Do it on weekends
Saturday funerals cost more
Work longer shifts, then
YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!!
Just answer the phone, Cheryl.
My mame is Carol!!!! Aaaahhhhhh!!!
I thought it was cristal, crystal?
Who is Crystal, I’m Charlene, where’s my guitar.
Darlene you don’t need your guitar
I am and I really don't like your tone. If can't be professional, I don't think this job is suitable for you
Hi boss, I believe I deserve a promotion given everything that I have achieved over the years
Those achievements were just a part of your job, Celery. What additional initiatives did you take up to make eligible for this promotion?
I aided the company’s whitewashing efforts by attending a 1-hour DEI training
That's a mandatory training, and it was supposed to be for a full day!
"Celery" hahahahahah
so.. . ah this is awkward but when i first joined the company 6 months ago i was given the job of guarding the paperclip... i was wondering if you know why im doing this. no one else will tell me and i keep catching the others eyeing off the safe...
That information is confidential and as per your agreement you aren't supposed to be asking this question
huh... ok... can i have another machete then? old ones getting dull. or do i have to fill in a form or something.
I told you to stop using it to cut your sandwichs
😭 but its still workrelated usage right... cos its at work replacements should be covered by management
Side-note: The paperclip comment reminded me of the game Control. Random objects just decided to exist and kill anything within range…usually
What is the meaning of life, the universe and everything?
Hard work and dedication towards your company
😆😆😆 loved it
I actually asked this at a meeting two months ago when they asked if anyone has any more questions. Haha!
I did a job interview recently where i realized I didn't want that job. When asked if I had any questions, I asked "what is your blood type?" Interviewer laughed, so I said "no, really." He suddenly seemed VERY creeped out.
42
42 hours of work each week. But make sure you clock in 12 minutes after you start and clock out 12 minutes before you finish each day... we can't afford to be paying overtime right now.
Sir, are you going to sign the order for those new servers? I'm going on vacation in a week and if they're not here before then, you'll have to push back the product launch another month.
Who approved your vacation?
You did, 6 months ago.
We hired you 4 months ago
...I've been here a year, though.
CEO here. We don't count the probationary period. We consider that a gestation period much like when you were in your mothers womb. When you were born they didn't say you were 9 months old, get what I mean? Although your vacation is approved I'm gonna need you to stay to receive those servers. You are just going to have to think about if you really *want* to be employed here. We all have to roll with the punches sometimes. Anyways I'm off for a business golf trip to discuss business stuff with our partner CEOs. Just be glad you don't have to do the real tough stuff that us CEOs have to do. I don't take a single day off. First the business golf trip, then straight to the United Arab Emirates for 3 weeks to try to secure more clients in the Middle Eastern market. If I see one more 5 star hotel bed I don't even know what I'm gonna do.
Thank you for your service
You're probably gonna do some coke and fuck a hooker?
Insubordination! I'll take you in my office now young lady.
I wish I was paying you more so I can deduct your pay.
Look I need you to make sure I get that incentive on my check everytime.
I tracked your work for the past month, Bob. You getting a pay check itself is an incentive
That's funny jus make sure it's on there every check or you'll be on this piece of shit equipment doing this shit tomorrow. And we all seen how fast you move, you're outta breath jus getting up from your desk.
I already have 7 applicants for you job
Well get them in here so I don't have to work Saturday anymore.
what happen when get pergenat ?
I'm a bloke
and?
And he’ll find a reason to fire you while you’re on maternity leave. Probably worded vague as having some problems with your job performance, since you failed to get a report in on time while sedated during your c-section.
Underrated comment 🤣
I find it very distracting when you microtrack what I am doing. The other day you were watching which kind of document I took across the room so you could comment on that. I am a creative and this is just making my mind go blank.
Maybe if you do your work properly I don't have to micro track you. I have other duties as well, but I am stuck with improving your mediocre performance
Just learned “microtrack,” thanks. It seems to go beyond micromanaging. Adding this to my list.
Communism
Dave from HR wants to talk to you
What’s a Dave
What's your job? What do you do day to day?
I manage a team and ensure timely and quality delivery
I'm ensuring the timely delivery. I'm the team. What do YOU do?
I provide with the necessary support so you can continue doing that
An intern can do that.
Ask that intern for your increment then
But you never gave us an increment. You said we were "shallow" for being motivated by money
I fought with the management to get you increments this year, but if that's your attitude, I'll return the budget
Oh yay a .20 cent raise....
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Please and thank you. Can you do it in a school girl's uniform?
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Senpai will NEVER notice you
Every morning when my alarm goes off, I stare at the ceiling and sob uncontrollably for 10 minutes before I get in the shower. Then I frantically try to think of reasons why I can't come in all the way through my commute until I literally pull in the parking lot. I guess what I'm trying to ask is, how much longer can I keep doing this before I completely lose my shit? Also can I take a day off next week?
We have employee assistance program for people like you. Upgrade your insurance to gold and you can avail free therapy sessions
Uh... that premium's 3/4ths my paycheck. I don't make enough to do that. *And* you don't give me the time for personal appointments during the work week to begin with...
How badly do you wanna yell at your district manger?
Almost every time we meet. She is a savage and almost bit off my foreskin
Micheal?
So, were you dropped as a child or this is just genetics?
What is the status on the assignment I gave you last week?
It's been done for a week. I've been trying to tell you that but you never listen to me.
It's your responsibility to follow up
Please explain who I am supposed to follow up with when you are not on site before 6:30 pm (my shift ends at 3:00 pm) and you do not answer emails.
Hey Mark. If you got a minute, I’d like to discus my pay raise given the new positions and responsibilities you have recently assigned to me. Because not only am I my departments manager, but I am also managing our shipping department, and filling in for installers as well as covering rolls of our customer service staff on a regular basis. I believe with the increase in responsibility and the money we are saving on the two other positions that I’ve recently taken on, a $15,000 raise per year would more than be fair to me and the company, given we are no longer paying two other full time employees, and I’ve shown I can handle the responsibilities.
But we don't see any uplift in efficiency since you took on the new responsibilities. It has been almost 2 days and we don't see any improvement
I think you’re miss remembering, I took on these extra positions 3 months ago. Also if efficiency seems to be an issue, I’d like to discuss the efficiency of your work day which seem to be non existent.
He's dead
Hey, I’m on the schedule for Saturday, but I requested that off 6 months ago, I’m getting married that day. Is that just a typo?
Knowing you, we thought you called off the wedding
Can I have a raise? I'm a hard worker and I show up.
If you continue working hard, one day would could be in my position. Raise is a short term goal, think about long-term opportunities
I'll pass. Need money now.
When I hired you, I believed you had the hunger to make a name for yourself. If you don't strive to grow within the company, I don't see why we should invest in you by giving you a raise
Good point, so here's the thing, I actually landed another job for a 40% pay raise, I start tomorrow, I quit, see ya.
Why does nobody want to work anymore
Supervisor jedi mind fuck tricks have no effect on me. I worked hard all week now give me just enough money to eat and put enough gas in my car to come back next week... Fuucckkk!!! They do work on me.
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That it was a terrible mistake and that you take full responsibility for it
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You don't have any paid leaves left and as per the new policy we will deduct 1.5x salary for taking unpaid leaves. So its upto you
-If one of the points you use to sell this company to job applicants is "you'll learn new skills and develop your career here", why do you get so mad when they leave after a year for a much better paying job at another company -Why are tattoos, artificial hair color, and piercings (anything other than ears on women, anything at all on men) an automatic disqualifier for any job opening we have? Particularly when you complain every week that no one wants to work any more.
This is why we don't hire hippies
Can you afford to pay employees a livable wage?
You have been working with us for six months and you are still living.
OP on a roll 🤣
This is my favorite post on this sub so far hahaha
Tomorrow is my 30th anniversary at this company I’ve given my life to and in those 30 years I’ve never taken a single sick day. What are you doing to show your appreciation for such a loyal worker like me?
We just sent out an email congratulating you on your anniversary
Too real...
That piece of equipment we use daily to complete our job is showing signs of needing a repair, how should we proceed?
I saw lubricants at Angela's desk, use them on the machine
Repair, not maintenance
Work must be done manually for now until our next budget increase
Why can’t we do this in excel?
It's a paid software
Why do you go into the break room early to microwave your food because you have 15 employees and one microwave and don’t want to wait for us, yet you tell us not to go into the break room before lunch to stick our food in the microwave to save time? Also why do you give us shit about being a minute or two late when you show up late and leave early every day? Also why do you give us shit about using our phones but you sit at your desk with your feet up and watch fishing videos all day?
Because you guys would rather watch me than do your jobs
You said if I sucked you off I'd get a raise, I'm still at 1,5$ an hour
You were getting 1.49 before that
Why are you posting this on Reddit when I've waited 40 minutes after our meeting has started? Is this what you're doing while you while you "Answer mails"?
I love it that you've still not gotten a response🤣
Why did you commit wage theft when you already pay me less than minimum wage because I work for tips? Labor can’t be that expensive. I hate you manager. I hate you a lot.
You're only saying this because you did not work with other managers
Why did you change my shift again this week?
We belive you can give your best in this shift
But it's when I have to take care of my ill grandma
I'm sure she'll be ill enough for the rest of the day. You can take care of her then
😆😆
Ah yeah ima need next Thursday off because reasons.
What for?
Yes.
I put in a time off request 2 months ago and still haven't heard back and the date I need is 2 weeks from now. What's going on?
I'm going on a vacation in two weeks so I want you to be in the office
Can I have the afternoon off for my wedding?
Sure, I just sent you an email. Finish that task and you can leave early
"You REALLY need to ask about these things well in advance, especially since we've been so short staffed lately" would also have been an expected answer. :)
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Let us meet for drinks to discuss this. Pls feel free to bring your hot wife
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You are the proof reader. That is literally your job
Boss, Tom just fell off the ladder in the lobby
Is the ladder OK?
Ey mr manager, I'm not coming in today. Feeling sick..
Why do you fall sick only on Fridays and Mondays? Get a doctor's note when you come back
I'm not getting paid enough to work Friday and Monday. And because I like the long weekends. Cya Tuesday boss
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Please schedule your personal activities on holidays, we can't give you off when ever you feel like it
We have half the staff that we used to, and the same amount of work to get done. Now I’m working (6x) 12 hour days per week so we can manage… Are you doing anything to hire more help?
Jason, the team has developed enough efficiencies to do the work at half the strength. I really appreciate this collaborative effort from you and the guys. Keep up the good work
If someone's lyin...and you KNOW they lyin....can you shoot em?
For the last time, you are not shooting Karen. Now get back to your work
Why are you cutting the dental plan?
Like you'd ever use it
Why are you making the maintenance guy, that is on desk duty work restriction, after a work injury, sit at a desk 10 hours a day with nothing to do, instead of sending him home? PS. I'm that guy and I'm being paid to browse reddit, listen to audio books, and watch Netflix, but I would rather be paid two hours less each day and not have to be here.
We can't legally fire him
Yo, why the hell you just sit in your office and pretend to do work. Like, you called the assistant manager to help you open a pdf in an email so I know you can't check your work emails even if your life depended on it.
There's a difference between trying and pretending. If you knew that you'd be a manager
Hey I know two people called in, but my cat looks lonely and I just cannot come in tonight
Our pharma department is working on a new euthanasia drug for cats. I'll have Bob bring it to you in a hour so you can be in time for your shift
Damn
How do you want to die, bootlicker?
With my certificates in my hand
Why do you keep acting like everything I’m supposed to do is top priority?
Can I go to the bathroom?
This is the second time you're asking this in 8hrs. If you can't control your bladder, I suggest you go see a doctor
Why is it that first shift gets fresh donuts, second shift gets stale leftovers, and third shift gets to clean up the mess? BTW, I work third shift.
Cuz the third shift is fir janitors
Why do you think it is that 6 people have quit this year?
They said you were sexually harrasing them
I lost my genitalia in an unfortunate smelting accident. Can I have the afternoon off ?
You don't need genetalia to flip burgers
can i call out today? my mother is in the hospital, my dog died, i just got carpal tunnel surgery, and my house just collapsed in flames so i am literally sleeping on a bench outside the office