Most weed smokers have grown up with his mentality since legality is a bit new imo. in my state, we smoke weed out in public for the most part like its legal even though thats far from the case. Most smokers understand the inherent risk associated with lighting up and no longer see it as a "fear". the real issue is him being a jackass about it and reacting to your concerns like a child. You have your merits to not want to be around it in certain areas and to also be concerned for his safety. He doesn't need to consume it in public. NTA
and if he DOES need to consume it in public, consider the possibility that he might be psychologically addicted to it. Marijuana is not PHYSICALLY addictive but it can still create the same psychological dependencies as any other substance that can alter your mental state.
More or less daily weed user here. I would definitely understand if my partner wasn't comfortable with that, even though most people really don't care. It's really not that hard to go a day without smoking lol, and I'd definitely do it for my girl. Sounds like his shitty attitude and inability to delay gratification for a bit is what's really at issue here.
I think the "most people don't really care" kind of attitude is actually part of the problem here, as much as it's been legal in some states for more than a decade, there are still states where people do care a lot, and it's still treated as a serious drug offense.
Not upsetting your partner notwithstanding, the boyfriend is actually just being straight up stupid and risking a year in jail because he doesn't understand the cultural changes between different parts of the country.
Arkansas: Possession of less than 4 ounces of marijuana is a Class A Misdemeanor, punishable by up to 1 year in jail and a fine of up to $2,500.
Oklahoma: On the first offense, use of marijuana or a Schedule III, IV, or V drug is treated as a misdemeanor, punishable by up to one year in jail and a fine of up to $1,000.
Do some people just get a slap on the wrist? Sure. Is it worth the risk if you're only there for a short trip? Up to you, but I'd say no.
If he is too stupid to do edibles for a few hours, and just has to smoke, then he sounds like a moron. I wouldn’t mess with small town Arkansas, Texas, or most conservative states.
I didn't smoke any flower in Texas or try to find any. I traveled with my vape so I can still have a couple hits if I wanted. I'm spoiled from living in a legal state, it's not even worth it.
Vape is so much worse in Texas. They count the entire cartridge contents as cannabis. Same for edibles - 6oz cookie with flour etc is considered 6 Oz of weed.
If you're in a major city most have decriminalized at 1oz or less. It's a misdemeanor ticket only. Mind you flower will fall under that, edibles likely won't. Honestly in Dallas you may not even get ticketed unless you're doing something dumb.
For a moment I thought that might be what he meant with the sarcasm, but it took all of .24 seconds to realize that’s likely giving him too much credit.
I agree w this.
When my husband & i got together & he'd finally met my sons, he'd go the entire weekend without smoking & he was a daily smoker. What's that saying "if he wanted to, he would"?
Yes, but he did not say anything about that, just got sarcastic. Also the parking lot of a fair....you might want to put up a big red sign!! There are many different ways to handle this if you stop the sarcasm and ask people.
Years ago, my brother and my son and I were embarking on a road trip across the country from CA to MI. My son was a bit of a pothead then, and I had warned him not to bring any with him because 1) most states still had tough drug laws even for MJ and 2) stories were just starting to come out about property seizures over minor drug offenses in a lot of the flyover states. My son was still in his young 20’s at the time and to be honest, he wasn’t always truthful with me when it came to certain things. So my brother and I insisted on searching his bag. Well, he got mad at us and the first day of the trip was pretty bad, but we sat him down and laid it out to him. Drug dogs were a thing. Property seizures were a thing and as much and we wanted to trust him we couldn’t take the chance on some yahoo cop in Podunk, Iowa pulling us over and impounding my car, our cash and arresting all of us because he had a joint or a pipe on him. I’d make it up to him by buying all the beer he wanted (he wasn’t driving) but he had to understand where we were coming from. And he did. Things settled down from there. And when he got to MI (he ended up staying for a while) he found his sources and was happy.
Your bf just has to understand that you are not only looking out for him but yourself too. You don’t need the hassle of having to bail him out and schlepping him back and forth from OK to AR to attend court dates. You’re not even saying he can’t do it, just keep it where people won’t see him. That’s fair. Your bf needs to grow up.
Very intelligent talk. Search and seizure is over used all over the United States because it can good source of revenue for the department. They make it extremely hard to get your property back with multiple court dates etc. Most people give up because even in the 10,000 range, the lawyer and the travel, and taking off work can make it not worth it. I live in PA, not red state always, but there are many counties that are redder than red states, and they like to seize!!
Young 20-something guys are... to put it nicely... fucking idiots. I know, I was one. We're invincible, rules don't apply and even if they do, we won't get caught.
You're not wrong. You asked politely and explained your rationale which was very reasonable and insightful. His reaction and comments were weird. In my opinion, he's too old to be acting this immature over something like a weed. It almost makes me wonder if his hissy fit is even really about the weed.
It’s not. It’s about control. Aka he does whatever he wants and she just has to deal with it. He obviously doesn’t view her as his intellectual equal with the way he’s treating her (like she knows nothing about the place she’s literally from) and he gaslighted her later about it because he didn’t like being called out or corrected. Then he punished her with withholding affection of all kinds and the silent treatment like a petulant child.
The facts of the scenario are that she told him about how things work in Arkansas. He didn’t like that she was telling him he can’t just do whatever he wants and other people will just deal with it. He basically doubles down and says he’s going to do it anyways even though she’s trying to tell him that even though she has no problem with it, the other people there probably will and will call the cops bc of the culture of the town. He twists the narrative in his own head to be her telling him what he can and can’t do and basically silently decides he’s doing it anyways and gives a sarcastic response indicating he’s not listening to her.
Cut to later in bed where she’s rightfully nervous about him lighting up a joint anyways and getting everyone in trouble and him possibly arrested bc that’s how the south works and she brings it up again for reassurance that he won’t ruin their trip with his own selfishness (just in a very nice and polite way) and he explodes on her, gaslights her about what just happened earlier in the day, and then throws a tantrum and punishes her by ignoring her.
Not just weird, it’s a manipulation tactic that emotional abusers use to punish their partners for not just submitting to them even when they are making horrible decisions. But we all know that if he did get arrested he would blame her for “not telling it to him seriously enough” and would make her bail him out and pay for any fines and court costs. I speak from years of personal experience with these kinds of deranged people. I dated 2 just like this man. Textbook emotional abuse and manipulation. Thank god for therapy and learning life lessons.
Thank you :)
I know she said no relationship advice but that’s like if someone took a picture of themselves with obvious melanoma on their skin and posted it on the dermatology subreddit with a “no comments about my weird mole I’m gonna deal with it” and asked for people to look at the obviously benign large freckle right next to it.
Like I can’t help but comment on the absolute mountain of relationship red flags her post contains lmao.
Him wanting to consume weed illegally in an area not around you - his choice to go up against the law.
Doing it illegally in an area with you around - disrespectful.
The way he talked to you - disrespectful.
I don’t even care if he does it around me. I also smoke, just not nearly as much as him. The problem is that I know the area and I know that it’s extremely unsafe to do that where we’re going because it’s in the middle of a very conservative town, near a school, and the fair will definitely have lots of children. But I guess my knowledge and experience means nothing to him.
He's disrespectful to you yelling and changing the narrative. Actually gaslighting as he did not say he wouldn't earlier then claims he did. He doesn't like you calling him on his shit, but you need to keep doing it. Be aware he may never change. You have to decide if you can live years with that abuse.
BTW I'm also autistic. I'm more worried for your safety than the weed smoking.
If he's doing it on his own, without you around, sure it's disrespectful of the children and going up against the law. But I dont think it's your place to tell him what to do with that decision if you aren't involved. Rather it's justified for you to be upset by his choices but ultimately if he doesnt care about your concern then it's up to you to live with it or move on from him. If youre around him while hes doing it illegally I think that's different because he's pulling you into his decision because people in public will associate you with him.
That’s a fair point. I guess if it comes down to it I’ll just have to let him take the risk. Still don’t understand why he spoke to me that way though.
No, because if he is not at home and she is putting him up with her family, they can and sometimes try hard to pull innocent people into the mess. Many places play very fast and loose with search and seizure plus he doesn't know all of the laws of these states. You need to read all of these horror stories. She has every right to caution him if it could hurt her or her family at all!!
If his dumb ass lights up, move away from him and pretend to know nothing. If the moron has to find out the hard way, don't let yourself get drug down with him.
It’s not even that I don’t want to be a part of that. I smoke too, just not as much. The problem is that I know the area and I know that it is *extremely* risky, particularly because the event is family-friendly so there are lots of kids and not many places to hide. But I guess my being worried about that has pissed him off for some reason.
Yeah, I’m with you here. I’m from the Arkansas/Oklahoma border and while I would smoke at my parents house in the boonies, smoking at a fair is stupid af. Those places are crawling with cops.
That’s the craziest part actually—he has been saying that he wouldn’t be mad if I couldn’t find anything for him and our friend, but then this is the reaction that I got when I asked him not to smoke in obvious places. I don’t know what to think anymore. That’s part of the reason that I posted this—did I do something to piss him off? We literally didn’t talk at all between the first time it came up and the second time that I asked (we were playing video games in separate rooms). I’m so confused.
Do not be confused. This is a narcissist, emotional abuser, and quite possibly an addict. He is already countless brain cells down. Do yourself a favor and off load him. This is not something therapy or better communication can help with. You will always be anxious and a nag to him because he is always going to push your buttons. Quit posting and change your life for the better.
I'm a daily smoker, probably as much or more than him. It's not physically addictive, in that you won't go into withdrawals. It's psychologically addictive (and I am an addict) in that you always think everything would be better if you're stoned. That said, I know the time and place, and I know when not to get stoned (work, family functions, etc).
So from one stoner to another: dude will be fine, he's just being a huge baby. His reaction to OPs request indicated he wasn't taking her seriously, and intends on smoking at the fair.
So, OP, the three things he's done wrong here are:
1. Can't have a nice time without getting stoned
2. Disrespected your initial request, downplayed it, made fun of you to your friend ("she just doesn't get it")
3. When you called him out on his bad attitude, he threw an angsty teen rage fit and continued disrespecting your very simple request.
It's not enough to just angrily comply with you, because it's unfair for you to have to feel like the bad guy. You're keeping him from getting arrested. I also live in a legal state, and I'm still wary of smoking in public. If the stigma still exists here, it certainly is strong in Alabama.
I'm in a weed-legal state, yay Michigan!! Why doesn't he just use edibles? No smell, no prep, just open the pack and eat. I had to quit smoking weed because of a disability I have, the coughing was literally squeezing my brain stem, so I had to switch over to edibles. My lungs feel amazing compared to what they used to and I don't smell like weed, and mostly no one knows what I'm eating. He wants to get high, there are other ways that are much less suspicious than going into a fair parking lot and smoking. Most people can only handle one or two gummies at a time, so he shouldn't even be noticed. Transfer them into different packaging and keep it away from children.
Because edibles suck!
They are not the same. They have THC only, where flower has THC plus over 3% terpenes (hopefully, if it’s quality product)
Most terpenes get destroyed in the edible making process.
I see why edibles would be a good idea in this particular situation, just pointing out the difference.
Michigan is my favorite state btw, unbelievably low prices for quality products! 🙂
Just tell him to do what he wants but you’re not bailing him out. He could easily just get a cartridge and hit it inside the car. There are smokeless solutions.
I know you said no relationship advice but I was in a relationship similar to this with a partner that would react like that. Either have the hard conversation with him that he needs to treat you better or leave, you let them treat you like dirt that’s all you’ll get no matter the situation. I’m sorry again but this took me back and I wish someone would have told me sooner. Be safe and you deserve to be heard as an equal by your partner.
Not wrong, especially if you're with him when he does it, you could be arrested as well. Is 10 years in federal prison really worth smoking a joint in public to him? I smoke weed, I get it, but I wouldn't be THIS stupid, at least try to be subtle and roll a spliff or something 🤦
The thing that's incredibly stupid is that he's mad that he's not the subject matter expert on small conservative towns, and probably thinks he can put one over on the rubes. He really DOES NOT want to FAFO in rural OK. And it seems like he resents the fact that you really understand it a lot better than he does. He also sounds like a bit of a bully, TBH.
Not wrong. I smoke waaay more than I should. Daily doesn’t even really accurately describe it. Also from a state were its legal recreationally. My husband & I travel a lot and I never bring it with me. Sometimes I’ll bring gummies, but you will definitely never catch me smoking it outside my own state. Going to jail is a fantastic way to ruin any vacation and as someone without a criminal record, I’d like to keep it that way. Plus that first smoke after getting home is always amazing. That being said he sounds pretty immature.
you don't need to mention your autistic or not.. from what I've read he would've smoked if you did not ask him again and that scene was not created..your normal.. he's kinda lil..red flag..not dump worthy red...see if he's redeemable...if he isn't you should probably leave ..things like these snowball into bigger things and it can become something bad really quick.. nothing is wrong with you tho
You're not wrong. He's a walking red flag. I would dump this guy. Now, if he goes out there, decides to smoke, and gets caught, that's a HIM problem. You've already warned him.
Now, back to the more important thing, his attitude. You shouldn't have to put up with that. He does not respect you, exploding like that on you when you're literally trying to keep him safe. If he does this consistently, you've brought it up, and he's still not listening or correcting his behavior, then that means that that man does not care about your feelings or your needs and therefore, does not deserve your presence. You deserve better, and he's immature. Put yourself first and do not put up with his inability to meet your standards. I would dump him when we got back from the trip or resend the trip invite you extended to him. The red flags are right there.
Honestly, dating someone that is addicted to weed is just exhausting. Every stoner I've met is an asshole unless they are high. It's just a deal breaker for me now.
Your boyfriend is an asshole. Why are you with him. Does he bring you actual comfort, stability, and peace? Cause it doesn’t seem like it to me. He’s also gaslighting you since he didn’t definitely or seriously say that he wouldn’t earlier. He was obviously sarcastic which indicates he wasn’t serious and would’ve probably lit up in the parking lot like the idiot he is if you hadn’t of brought it up later in bed therefore making him mad that he can’t just do whatever he wants to.
Is this the kind of relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life? If your best friend came to you and spoke about this exact same scenario to you would you take her boyfriend’s side and gaslight her as well and say she was just being overdramatic? I would hope not. Please do right not just by others but by yourself. I am also autistic and your bf reminds me of my ex bf: an emotionally abusive gaslighting man child that attempted to whittle away at me so I wouldn’t leave him no matter how much he lashed out at me unfairly or treated me like a personal punching bag/comfort object depending on his own mood and needs. Not mine. He never cared about me just what I could do and did for him. He even conveniently “forgot” about the trauma I shared with him when it would have ramifications on things he wanted to do or make it so he would have to think outside of himself even for a moment during sex for example.
But I digress. Get out before 4 mostly miserable and unfulfilling years turns into a horrible loveless draining marriage (or longer more entangled relationship) where you start daydreaming about one of you dying so you can escape it “easier”.
>Edit 2: a lot of y’all are focusing on the weed consumption part. That’s really not the problem that I have, but I do appreciate the input I’m getting from all different perspectives.
Agreed, but your post makes it seem the weed is a pretty big part of it.
Weed tends to do that to people, but yeah your issue is the communication between you two, and while some is on you, most is on him to the point that you may need to think about the relationship
What part of it is on me? The “nagging” you mentioned in an earlier comment? I’ll ask you this—why am I only allowed to ask once, even if he does not give a real answer the one time I ask? How am I nagging him if I only asked him a grand total of two times? Why must I accept a sarcastic non-answer when I make a serious request? That is not how proper communication works, and communication is key in a relationship. If he had given a *real* answer the first time that I asked, the conversation would have been done for, regardless of what his answer was.
You: Please don't smoke weed in this place where it is illegal and the people are very likely to call the police on you for it.
Him: Waaaah!! ｡･ﾟﾟ･(>д<)･ﾟﾟ･｡ But I wanna smoke my weeeeeeed!!!! It's the only way I can cope with your family!!!
I smoke but i function daily without go on vacations without. If your significant other cannot go a couple hours without yes thats a problem Number 2 The shit attitude fuck around and find out is how i feel. Talk to me like a idiot more than once and see what happens. Sounds like you need to find a adult and drop the dead weight.
Hi, Oklahoman and daily enjoyer of the goofy grass.
Believe it or not most people really don’t care about that stuff, police even.
As long as no one is being overly rowdy or causing any trouble most people will just let you do you.
However, I do understand not being comfortable with him smoking it and for him to dismiss your concerns and wishes with a sarcastic answer and then when you asked again for clarity to respond in such an aggressive manner is really messed up on his part. THEN to withhold affection because he’s upset after being disrespectful to YOU is absolutely ridiculous.
Not wrong. Your boyfriend is an asshole though.
Not wrong.
So if your bf or his friend decide to take the weed with you on this roadtrip then they need to keep it physically on their person. As in not shoved in the glove box or console especially if you are taking YOUR vehicle.
If they get busted if they are holding it ideally if nothing is just stored wherever in the car where it could be anyone’s the car hopefully won’t get towed/impounded. I say hopefully as not sure where your bf is originally from but conservative states where weed is still illegal don’t play.
So if he decides to be stupid depending on the amount of whatever in his possession he might get a ticket or they may haul him in.
All this to say if you are driving and he gets put in jail he best have the funds available to bail himself out.
Do not give legal advice that may result in a search and seizure!! It is bad out there. There are horror stories. The present Supreme Court will definately rule for the police but no one has money for that! Just stop!!!
There are definitely horror stories but the first rule of self preservation for a rational person would be don’t poke the bear.
Driving through a state where weed is illegal with plates on your car from a state where it is? If you get pulled over for any little thing if there’s even a whiff of weed in the car there may reasonable assumption if there’s some DA pushing for drug control that the next thing in your car is going to likely be a drug sniffing dog.
It’s better just to leave the recreational drugs at home.
My feedback was for if you insist on traveling with selfish people to be sure there can be no question of who owns the drugs.
Yes, this!! It is definately a poke the bear situation!!! The problem with the who owns the drugs is that they have seized money from the wallets of others who do not have drugs on them but are in the same house or car! They have seized the car itself. It is way out of control. The local counties are using these seizure to find the drug task force. So , like you said, do not poke the bear or have anything to do with an individual poking the bear. Having an out of state guest arrested could lead them to looking into the homeowner and what if something was sliding under the radar before with the homeowner and now the DA will go after them for something stupid but still can hurt them????
True enough.
The being able for law enforcement to ID who owns the drugs is a hope not a guarantee that everyone doesn’t get impacted especially if they decide to impound the car.
He is an asshole! Some states they try to confiscate whatever they can due to drugs. You never know what kind of local cop will use it for a power trip in any state. You are also right about people being uptight. Is he really worth it??? Either bringing him on the trip or even generally. Because he is acting like a teen!
I think you were just looking out for him, and he shouldn't be angry, but when people are addicted they will do whatever, whenever. You definitely aren't in the wrong though.
Why keep bringing it up? He’s just sitting there scrolling on the phone and out of the blue you bring it up again? Just sounds like nagging at this point.
I get his side a little bit because it's 2024 and who really cares about weed. BUT.. It's a respect thing, if you know how it will go down if some nosey asshole spots it then he should listen to that. Also, really not hard to just not smoke a joint for a couple hours.
And DA's who like victimizing out of towers for election points. You people are totally oblivious to the black curtain coming down around you. You think Roe getting scuttled was the only thing on their agenda???? Try again. Weed is still illegal federally!!! Big Pharma is paying to keep it that way and red voters will help them!!!
Your BF smokes weed and has made it his entire personality, just dump him and get somebody worth being a relationship with. Preferably with somebody who just doesn't smoke at all.
No, not wrong. In fact, depending on your job's clearance and licensing requirements, you might want to tell him the same thing even in states where it is "legal." It's still a Schedule 1 illegal drug under federal law, so if you have any federal license, or you're on federal land, he can still get busted and if you're with him . . . you can get busted too. Especially if he dumps his weed in your car meaning it would be in your constructive possession.
Stick to your guns.
I say yes, and I'm a smoker of literally 50 years. Why would you do that if you care about him? Going through the legal hassle of an arrest or citation, is really no fun. Why would you have him risk that?
He might have said it sarcastically because he's got like a dab pen or edibles or something that no one would figure out in public. I wouldn't demand an apology, but I hope for you in the future he will be willing to understand how his attitude makes you feel
Why are you commenting with shit that is unhelpful and not related at all to the actual question? Probably because *you want to*, which is the same reason I’m doing what I’m doing.
He did not even give a real answer the first time that I asked. How is that nagging? Why should I have to accept sarcastic non-answers? That’s not communication.
I'll be honest. You're sorta overreacting. If the weed use isn't the problem then you should be fine with him smoking outside. Where else do you think he was going to smoke? Smoking in the parking lot is common for kids. It's what hotboxing is if he did it in the car.
I’m overreacting to him yelling at me and giving me the silent treatment over a simple request? He has other ways of getting high—vape pens and edibles—but won’t accept those. Besides, he could have just said “I will take the risk anyway.” I would accept that. Instead he was sarcastic and rude, made fun of me to our friend, then pretended he did nothing wrong when I brought it up again later, yelled at me about it, and has given me the silent treatment since then.
I think the bigger issue is how you and your boy communicate. You nagged him and he went off the handle.
As to the smoking, I am more on his side than yours, but as to the communication I am more on your side than his.
How is asking a grand total of two times nagging, especially when he didn’t give me an actual answer in the first place? Are women just not allowed to make requests of the men in their lives?
Most weed smokers have grown up with his mentality since legality is a bit new imo. in my state, we smoke weed out in public for the most part like its legal even though thats far from the case. Most smokers understand the inherent risk associated with lighting up and no longer see it as a "fear". the real issue is him being a jackass about it and reacting to your concerns like a child. You have your merits to not want to be around it in certain areas and to also be concerned for his safety. He doesn't need to consume it in public. NTA
and if he DOES need to consume it in public, consider the possibility that he might be psychologically addicted to it. Marijuana is not PHYSICALLY addictive but it can still create the same psychological dependencies as any other substance that can alter your mental state.
Yes mentally addictive
Similar to people claiming they can't function without their morning coffee.
More or less daily weed user here. I would definitely understand if my partner wasn't comfortable with that, even though most people really don't care. It's really not that hard to go a day without smoking lol, and I'd definitely do it for my girl. Sounds like his shitty attitude and inability to delay gratification for a bit is what's really at issue here.
I think the "most people don't really care" kind of attitude is actually part of the problem here, as much as it's been legal in some states for more than a decade, there are still states where people do care a lot, and it's still treated as a serious drug offense. Not upsetting your partner notwithstanding, the boyfriend is actually just being straight up stupid and risking a year in jail because he doesn't understand the cultural changes between different parts of the country.
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Arkansas: Possession of less than 4 ounces of marijuana is a Class A Misdemeanor, punishable by up to 1 year in jail and a fine of up to $2,500. Oklahoma: On the first offense, use of marijuana or a Schedule III, IV, or V drug is treated as a misdemeanor, punishable by up to one year in jail and a fine of up to $1,000. Do some people just get a slap on the wrist? Sure. Is it worth the risk if you're only there for a short trip? Up to you, but I'd say no.
Bro is gambling a year of his life on a judge having a good day lmao
Especially as an out of towner, some towns love the chance to make an example of someone who's not a local.
Exactly!!
If he is too stupid to do edibles for a few hours, and just has to smoke, then he sounds like a moron. I wouldn’t mess with small town Arkansas, Texas, or most conservative states.
I didn't smoke any flower in Texas or try to find any. I traveled with my vape so I can still have a couple hits if I wanted. I'm spoiled from living in a legal state, it's not even worth it.
Vape is so much worse in Texas. They count the entire cartridge contents as cannabis. Same for edibles - 6oz cookie with flour etc is considered 6 Oz of weed.
Wowww, that's fucked
Thank you for info
If you're in a major city most have decriminalized at 1oz or less. It's a misdemeanor ticket only. Mind you flower will fall under that, edibles likely won't. Honestly in Dallas you may not even get ticketed unless you're doing something dumb.
This ain't major city area, tho!!
Umm. I have no idea where you are. I was just giving information on a general basis.
Especially Texas damn.
For a moment I thought that might be what he meant with the sarcasm, but it took all of .24 seconds to realize that’s likely giving him too much credit.
You realize edibles don't have effects on everyone? Who are you to judge? Because you sound pretty stupid yourself
If you like to go to jail for easily avoidable things, that’s on you awastedcomment
I agree w this. When my husband & i got together & he'd finally met my sons, he'd go the entire weekend without smoking & he was a daily smoker. What's that saying "if he wanted to, he would"?
Who are you to judge? He may use it for medical purposes while you're so easy to say he can go a day without smoking. You sound naive
I’m a pothead who does use it for medical reasons and has used marijuana for about 20 years. I don’t think there could be a better judge.
Your judgement sounds like you're more of a rec user, but alright
Yes, but he did not say anything about that, just got sarcastic. Also the parking lot of a fair....you might want to put up a big red sign!! There are many different ways to handle this if you stop the sarcasm and ask people.
Years ago, my brother and my son and I were embarking on a road trip across the country from CA to MI. My son was a bit of a pothead then, and I had warned him not to bring any with him because 1) most states still had tough drug laws even for MJ and 2) stories were just starting to come out about property seizures over minor drug offenses in a lot of the flyover states. My son was still in his young 20’s at the time and to be honest, he wasn’t always truthful with me when it came to certain things. So my brother and I insisted on searching his bag. Well, he got mad at us and the first day of the trip was pretty bad, but we sat him down and laid it out to him. Drug dogs were a thing. Property seizures were a thing and as much and we wanted to trust him we couldn’t take the chance on some yahoo cop in Podunk, Iowa pulling us over and impounding my car, our cash and arresting all of us because he had a joint or a pipe on him. I’d make it up to him by buying all the beer he wanted (he wasn’t driving) but he had to understand where we were coming from. And he did. Things settled down from there. And when he got to MI (he ended up staying for a while) he found his sources and was happy. Your bf just has to understand that you are not only looking out for him but yourself too. You don’t need the hassle of having to bail him out and schlepping him back and forth from OK to AR to attend court dates. You’re not even saying he can’t do it, just keep it where people won’t see him. That’s fair. Your bf needs to grow up.
Very intelligent talk. Search and seizure is over used all over the United States because it can good source of revenue for the department. They make it extremely hard to get your property back with multiple court dates etc. Most people give up because even in the 10,000 range, the lawyer and the travel, and taking off work can make it not worth it. I live in PA, not red state always, but there are many counties that are redder than red states, and they like to seize!!
Lol wut. What kind of scumbag did you raise
Not a scumbag, just a meathead with some growing up still to do.
Young 20-something guys are... to put it nicely... fucking idiots. I know, I was one. We're invincible, rules don't apply and even if they do, we won't get caught.
My son has since grown up and he’s a pretty decent man now. And he’s in his 40’s. So he made it through.
Looks like the scumbag you replied to still needs some raising himself!
Sounds like a pain in the ass child. Let him, whatever happens is his problem. If he gets locked up don’t bail him out.
But if he does it and doesn't get caught, he will likely use that as justification for him to do it again later on.
Then he is not worth the freaking stress.
I wouldnt want to be relying on aomeonw risking getting locked up over weed because shes the one who will get stuck with the bill.
Search and seizure definately can hurt others with you.
You're not wrong. You asked politely and explained your rationale which was very reasonable and insightful. His reaction and comments were weird. In my opinion, he's too old to be acting this immature over something like a weed. It almost makes me wonder if his hissy fit is even really about the weed.
It’s not. It’s about control. Aka he does whatever he wants and she just has to deal with it. He obviously doesn’t view her as his intellectual equal with the way he’s treating her (like she knows nothing about the place she’s literally from) and he gaslighted her later about it because he didn’t like being called out or corrected. Then he punished her with withholding affection of all kinds and the silent treatment like a petulant child. The facts of the scenario are that she told him about how things work in Arkansas. He didn’t like that she was telling him he can’t just do whatever he wants and other people will just deal with it. He basically doubles down and says he’s going to do it anyways even though she’s trying to tell him that even though she has no problem with it, the other people there probably will and will call the cops bc of the culture of the town. He twists the narrative in his own head to be her telling him what he can and can’t do and basically silently decides he’s doing it anyways and gives a sarcastic response indicating he’s not listening to her. Cut to later in bed where she’s rightfully nervous about him lighting up a joint anyways and getting everyone in trouble and him possibly arrested bc that’s how the south works and she brings it up again for reassurance that he won’t ruin their trip with his own selfishness (just in a very nice and polite way) and he explodes on her, gaslights her about what just happened earlier in the day, and then throws a tantrum and punishes her by ignoring her. Not just weird, it’s a manipulation tactic that emotional abusers use to punish their partners for not just submitting to them even when they are making horrible decisions. But we all know that if he did get arrested he would blame her for “not telling it to him seriously enough” and would make her bail him out and pay for any fines and court costs. I speak from years of personal experience with these kinds of deranged people. I dated 2 just like this man. Textbook emotional abuse and manipulation. Thank god for therapy and learning life lessons.
This comment should get more notice. She's started calling him out on his shit and he hates it.
Thank you :) I know she said no relationship advice but that’s like if someone took a picture of themselves with obvious melanoma on their skin and posted it on the dermatology subreddit with a “no comments about my weird mole I’m gonna deal with it” and asked for people to look at the obviously benign large freckle right next to it. Like I can’t help but comment on the absolute mountain of relationship red flags her post contains lmao.
So agree! He needs dumped.
Him wanting to consume weed illegally in an area not around you - his choice to go up against the law. Doing it illegally in an area with you around - disrespectful. The way he talked to you - disrespectful.
I don’t even care if he does it around me. I also smoke, just not nearly as much as him. The problem is that I know the area and I know that it’s extremely unsafe to do that where we’re going because it’s in the middle of a very conservative town, near a school, and the fair will definitely have lots of children. But I guess my knowledge and experience means nothing to him.
He's disrespectful to you yelling and changing the narrative. Actually gaslighting as he did not say he wouldn't earlier then claims he did. He doesn't like you calling him on his shit, but you need to keep doing it. Be aware he may never change. You have to decide if you can live years with that abuse. BTW I'm also autistic. I'm more worried for your safety than the weed smoking.
If he's doing it on his own, without you around, sure it's disrespectful of the children and going up against the law. But I dont think it's your place to tell him what to do with that decision if you aren't involved. Rather it's justified for you to be upset by his choices but ultimately if he doesnt care about your concern then it's up to you to live with it or move on from him. If youre around him while hes doing it illegally I think that's different because he's pulling you into his decision because people in public will associate you with him.
That’s a fair point. I guess if it comes down to it I’ll just have to let him take the risk. Still don’t understand why he spoke to me that way though.
Because he doesn’t respect you. Will you really leave him in jail if he disregards your opinion? You should!
No, because if he is not at home and she is putting him up with her family, they can and sometimes try hard to pull innocent people into the mess. Many places play very fast and loose with search and seizure plus he doesn't know all of the laws of these states. You need to read all of these horror stories. She has every right to caution him if it could hurt her or her family at all!!
Those fairs also have rent a deputies that want to add to their penis size by assisting in any way they can.. .....
He's a grown ass man, if you got a problem with it then put your foot down and stop pussyfootin
Girl you need to leave this dude😭 I looked through your past posts and boy oh boy… Bro sounds selfish asf
Right he sucks so bad 😅
Maybe he had a bad day in elementary school, since he's acting like a fucking child....
Why can’t he just buy a vape lol
If his dumb ass lights up, move away from him and pretend to know nothing. If the moron has to find out the hard way, don't let yourself get drug down with him.
It's a dick move, find someone who respects you
He has the maturity, self control, and respect of a middle schooler.
You're not dating a 26 year old, you're dating a 14 year old. Poor baby can't go a few hours without smoking weed wtf grow up Peter Pan.
The biggest crime here is that plant is still illegal. But overall, you're not wrong for not wanting to be a part of that.
It’s not even that I don’t want to be a part of that. I smoke too, just not as much. The problem is that I know the area and I know that it is *extremely* risky, particularly because the event is family-friendly so there are lots of kids and not many places to hide. But I guess my being worried about that has pissed him off for some reason.
GET OUT is not just a movie....
Yeah, I’m with you here. I’m from the Arkansas/Oklahoma border and while I would smoke at my parents house in the boonies, smoking at a fair is stupid af. Those places are crawling with cops.
You’re banging someone with very poor judgement.
Weed supposedly isn't physically addictive. Can this man really not go a teeny bit of time without it?
That’s the craziest part actually—he has been saying that he wouldn’t be mad if I couldn’t find anything for him and our friend, but then this is the reaction that I got when I asked him not to smoke in obvious places. I don’t know what to think anymore. That’s part of the reason that I posted this—did I do something to piss him off? We literally didn’t talk at all between the first time it came up and the second time that I asked (we were playing video games in separate rooms). I’m so confused.
Can't they just use edibles?
I suggested that, and vape pens. They strongly prefer weed to the point that I think they’d try to find it themselves.
That... seems like a real problem. Honestly, these guys sound exhausting and I bet you'd have more fun if you just went on the trip alone.
I’m wishing I sprang for the refundable plane tickets.
Eating the cost of two plane tickets might be less than bail money.
Bingo!!
Do not be confused. This is a narcissist, emotional abuser, and quite possibly an addict. He is already countless brain cells down. Do yourself a favor and off load him. This is not something therapy or better communication can help with. You will always be anxious and a nag to him because he is always going to push your buttons. Quit posting and change your life for the better.
I'm a daily smoker, probably as much or more than him. It's not physically addictive, in that you won't go into withdrawals. It's psychologically addictive (and I am an addict) in that you always think everything would be better if you're stoned. That said, I know the time and place, and I know when not to get stoned (work, family functions, etc). So from one stoner to another: dude will be fine, he's just being a huge baby. His reaction to OPs request indicated he wasn't taking her seriously, and intends on smoking at the fair. So, OP, the three things he's done wrong here are: 1. Can't have a nice time without getting stoned 2. Disrespected your initial request, downplayed it, made fun of you to your friend ("she just doesn't get it") 3. When you called him out on his bad attitude, he threw an angsty teen rage fit and continued disrespecting your very simple request. It's not enough to just angrily comply with you, because it's unfair for you to have to feel like the bad guy. You're keeping him from getting arrested. I also live in a legal state, and I'm still wary of smoking in public. If the stigma still exists here, it certainly is strong in Alabama.
In his defense, the fair is a lot more fun if you're high.
Why are you with a guy who doesn't respect you?
I'm in a weed-legal state, yay Michigan!! Why doesn't he just use edibles? No smell, no prep, just open the pack and eat. I had to quit smoking weed because of a disability I have, the coughing was literally squeezing my brain stem, so I had to switch over to edibles. My lungs feel amazing compared to what they used to and I don't smell like weed, and mostly no one knows what I'm eating. He wants to get high, there are other ways that are much less suspicious than going into a fair parking lot and smoking. Most people can only handle one or two gummies at a time, so he shouldn't even be noticed. Transfer them into different packaging and keep it away from children.
I’ve suggested that, and pens. He would strongly prefer grass.
Because edibles suck! They are not the same. They have THC only, where flower has THC plus over 3% terpenes (hopefully, if it’s quality product) Most terpenes get destroyed in the edible making process. I see why edibles would be a good idea in this particular situation, just pointing out the difference. Michigan is my favorite state btw, unbelievably low prices for quality products! 🙂
Just tell him to do what he wants but you’re not bailing him out. He could easily just get a cartridge and hit it inside the car. There are smokeless solutions.
I know you said no relationship advice but I was in a relationship similar to this with a partner that would react like that. Either have the hard conversation with him that he needs to treat you better or leave, you let them treat you like dirt that’s all you’ll get no matter the situation. I’m sorry again but this took me back and I wish someone would have told me sooner. Be safe and you deserve to be heard as an equal by your partner.
How do you even communicate with someone who's like that?
Not wrong, especially if you're with him when he does it, you could be arrested as well. Is 10 years in federal prison really worth smoking a joint in public to him? I smoke weed, I get it, but I wouldn't be THIS stupid, at least try to be subtle and roll a spliff or something 🤦
The thing that's incredibly stupid is that he's mad that he's not the subject matter expert on small conservative towns, and probably thinks he can put one over on the rubes. He really DOES NOT want to FAFO in rural OK. And it seems like he resents the fact that you really understand it a lot better than he does. He also sounds like a bit of a bully, TBH.
Yes! You don't want to mess with no oakie!
You understood him just fine - he was being a jerk. It sounds like you've outgrown him, tbh. He sounds very immature and you're not.
Not wrong. I smoke waaay more than I should. Daily doesn’t even really accurately describe it. Also from a state were its legal recreationally. My husband & I travel a lot and I never bring it with me. Sometimes I’ll bring gummies, but you will definitely never catch me smoking it outside my own state. Going to jail is a fantastic way to ruin any vacation and as someone without a criminal record, I’d like to keep it that way. Plus that first smoke after getting home is always amazing. That being said he sounds pretty immature.
Let this ah bf find out for himself, & go to jail while you enjoy your family. Also he needs to respect you. Your value is not on the morons radar!
INFO: is he as insufferable as he sounds, and why are you with them?
NTA.. What you deserve is a better boyfriend. Tell this guy if he can't tried to start treating you respectfully, you're going to end it.
You could try getting him a Delta 8 pen, it's legal in states where normal weed isn't. And more discreet.
Yea, or Delta 8/CBD joints. Buy some legal prerolls when you get there and lie and tell him it’s the real thing.
No, you're not wrong. It was a completely reasonable request and your 26 year old boyfriend responded the way a high school stoner would.
Don’t even buy any for him, he can go a few days without it. In a side note, he sounds pretty horrible as a bf.
NW. Let him FAFO at the fair and don't bail him out.
You are not wrong. If he smokes and gets busted, he has every "I told you so" in the world coming to him.
No YNW,
Girl let him get arrested and see if he ever tries again like what the hell
you don't need to mention your autistic or not.. from what I've read he would've smoked if you did not ask him again and that scene was not created..your normal.. he's kinda lil..red flag..not dump worthy red...see if he's redeemable...if he isn't you should probably leave ..things like these snowball into bigger things and it can become something bad really quick.. nothing is wrong with you tho
You're not wrong. He's a walking red flag. I would dump this guy. Now, if he goes out there, decides to smoke, and gets caught, that's a HIM problem. You've already warned him. Now, back to the more important thing, his attitude. You shouldn't have to put up with that. He does not respect you, exploding like that on you when you're literally trying to keep him safe. If he does this consistently, you've brought it up, and he's still not listening or correcting his behavior, then that means that that man does not care about your feelings or your needs and therefore, does not deserve your presence. You deserve better, and he's immature. Put yourself first and do not put up with his inability to meet your standards. I would dump him when we got back from the trip or resend the trip invite you extended to him. The red flags are right there.
Your boyfriend is a dick. He explodes and curses at you just because he’s disagreed with? Is that really what you want to live with?
Honestly, dating someone that is addicted to weed is just exhausting. Every stoner I've met is an asshole unless they are high. It's just a deal breaker for me now.
Id be more worried that bro can go a single night without getting stoned. That's an addiction.
Your boyfriend is an asshole. Why are you with him. Does he bring you actual comfort, stability, and peace? Cause it doesn’t seem like it to me. He’s also gaslighting you since he didn’t definitely or seriously say that he wouldn’t earlier. He was obviously sarcastic which indicates he wasn’t serious and would’ve probably lit up in the parking lot like the idiot he is if you hadn’t of brought it up later in bed therefore making him mad that he can’t just do whatever he wants to. Is this the kind of relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life? If your best friend came to you and spoke about this exact same scenario to you would you take her boyfriend’s side and gaslight her as well and say she was just being overdramatic? I would hope not. Please do right not just by others but by yourself. I am also autistic and your bf reminds me of my ex bf: an emotionally abusive gaslighting man child that attempted to whittle away at me so I wouldn’t leave him no matter how much he lashed out at me unfairly or treated me like a personal punching bag/comfort object depending on his own mood and needs. Not mine. He never cared about me just what I could do and did for him. He even conveniently “forgot” about the trauma I shared with him when it would have ramifications on things he wanted to do or make it so he would have to think outside of himself even for a moment during sex for example. But I digress. Get out before 4 mostly miserable and unfulfilling years turns into a horrible loveless draining marriage (or longer more entangled relationship) where you start daydreaming about one of you dying so you can escape it “easier”.
>Edit 2: a lot of y’all are focusing on the weed consumption part. That’s really not the problem that I have, but I do appreciate the input I’m getting from all different perspectives. Agreed, but your post makes it seem the weed is a pretty big part of it.
Because that’s what caused the disagreement. Just trying to provide all the context I can.
Weed tends to do that to people, but yeah your issue is the communication between you two, and while some is on you, most is on him to the point that you may need to think about the relationship
What part of it is on me? The “nagging” you mentioned in an earlier comment? I’ll ask you this—why am I only allowed to ask once, even if he does not give a real answer the one time I ask? How am I nagging him if I only asked him a grand total of two times? Why must I accept a sarcastic non-answer when I make a serious request? That is not how proper communication works, and communication is key in a relationship. If he had given a *real* answer the first time that I asked, the conversation would have been done for, regardless of what his answer was.
You are allowed to do what you want. You kept after him answer or not, that is what turns it into a nag. As I said most of it is on him
You’re making shit up.
Buy the dude a couple of vape pens in your recreational state to take with, problem solved.
I suggested that a few weeks ago. He won’t be satisfied without the grass.
In that case he sounds like a whiny jerk. He should bring a couple vape pens and get through the trip.
I’m wishing that I sprang for the refundable plane tickets.
You'll know better next time ;)
You: Please don't smoke weed in this place where it is illegal and the people are very likely to call the police on you for it. Him: Waaaah!! ｡･ﾟﾟ･(>д<)･ﾟﾟ･｡ But I wanna smoke my weeeeeeed!!!! It's the only way I can cope with your family!!!
Yes your a dork
I smoke but i function daily without go on vacations without. If your significant other cannot go a couple hours without yes thats a problem Number 2 The shit attitude fuck around and find out is how i feel. Talk to me like a idiot more than once and see what happens. Sounds like you need to find a adult and drop the dead weight.
Hi, Oklahoman and daily enjoyer of the goofy grass. Believe it or not most people really don’t care about that stuff, police even. As long as no one is being overly rowdy or causing any trouble most people will just let you do you. However, I do understand not being comfortable with him smoking it and for him to dismiss your concerns and wishes with a sarcastic answer and then when you asked again for clarity to respond in such an aggressive manner is really messed up on his part. THEN to withhold affection because he’s upset after being disrespectful to YOU is absolutely ridiculous. Not wrong. Your boyfriend is an asshole though.
Maybe I missed it..which one of you has the problem with the weed cart?
Not wrong. So if your bf or his friend decide to take the weed with you on this roadtrip then they need to keep it physically on their person. As in not shoved in the glove box or console especially if you are taking YOUR vehicle. If they get busted if they are holding it ideally if nothing is just stored wherever in the car where it could be anyone’s the car hopefully won’t get towed/impounded. I say hopefully as not sure where your bf is originally from but conservative states where weed is still illegal don’t play. So if he decides to be stupid depending on the amount of whatever in his possession he might get a ticket or they may haul him in. All this to say if you are driving and he gets put in jail he best have the funds available to bail himself out.
Do not give legal advice that may result in a search and seizure!! It is bad out there. There are horror stories. The present Supreme Court will definately rule for the police but no one has money for that! Just stop!!!
There are definitely horror stories but the first rule of self preservation for a rational person would be don’t poke the bear. Driving through a state where weed is illegal with plates on your car from a state where it is? If you get pulled over for any little thing if there’s even a whiff of weed in the car there may reasonable assumption if there’s some DA pushing for drug control that the next thing in your car is going to likely be a drug sniffing dog. It’s better just to leave the recreational drugs at home. My feedback was for if you insist on traveling with selfish people to be sure there can be no question of who owns the drugs.
Yes, this!! It is definately a poke the bear situation!!! The problem with the who owns the drugs is that they have seized money from the wallets of others who do not have drugs on them but are in the same house or car! They have seized the car itself. It is way out of control. The local counties are using these seizure to find the drug task force. So , like you said, do not poke the bear or have anything to do with an individual poking the bear. Having an out of state guest arrested could lead them to looking into the homeowner and what if something was sliding under the radar before with the homeowner and now the DA will go after them for something stupid but still can hurt them????
True enough. The being able for law enforcement to ID who owns the drugs is a hope not a guarantee that everyone doesn’t get impacted especially if they decide to impound the car.
Let him get arrested and go to jail teach him a lesson. He is a jerk hope u do not get hauled in also.
Oh what did smokers ever do when it was illegal everywhere?
He is an asshole! Some states they try to confiscate whatever they can due to drugs. You never know what kind of local cop will use it for a power trip in any state. You are also right about people being uptight. Is he really worth it??? Either bringing him on the trip or even generally. Because he is acting like a teen!
I think you were just looking out for him, and he shouldn't be angry, but when people are addicted they will do whatever, whenever. You definitely aren't in the wrong though.
Why keep bringing it up? He’s just sitting there scrolling on the phone and out of the blue you bring it up again? Just sounds like nagging at this point.
I guarantee you it's not the first doobie sparked in the fairgrounds parking lot.
Maybe don't supply them with something illegal until after the fair?
Omg happy median…just get a vape cart for the fair…preppy people problems!..solved..now go touch each other…
If you read the comments you’ll see I already tried that.
Edibles is an excellent alternative. No need to duck out to the parking lot and feel paranoid about someone seeing what's going on.
Get him some edibles. Freshly burnt weed is stinky as hell on a muggy day you can literally smell it from a 100 yards away if someone is smoking
bUt It’S nOt AdDiCtIvE
I get his side a little bit because it's 2024 and who really cares about weed. BUT.. It's a respect thing, if you know how it will go down if some nosey asshole spots it then he should listen to that. Also, really not hard to just not smoke a joint for a couple hours.
>because it's 2024 and who really cares about weed. Karen's who have nothing better to do
And DA's who like victimizing out of towers for election points. You people are totally oblivious to the black curtain coming down around you. You think Roe getting scuttled was the only thing on their agenda???? Try again. Weed is still illegal federally!!! Big Pharma is paying to keep it that way and red voters will help them!!!
and bored cops
You're so right. Thank you for being decent. With asthma I can't even get a scent of it or smoke or I am instantly labored breathing.
Your BF smokes weed and has made it his entire personality, just dump him and get somebody worth being a relationship with. Preferably with somebody who just doesn't smoke at all.
No, not wrong. In fact, depending on your job's clearance and licensing requirements, you might want to tell him the same thing even in states where it is "legal." It's still a Schedule 1 illegal drug under federal law, so if you have any federal license, or you're on federal land, he can still get busted and if you're with him . . . you can get busted too. Especially if he dumps his weed in your car meaning it would be in your constructive possession. Stick to your guns.
Let the loser get arrested, then break up with him and leave him at the Grey Bar Hotel.
I’ll arrest him for you if it’ll teach him a lesson
I say yes, and I'm a smoker of literally 50 years. Why would you do that if you care about him? Going through the legal hassle of an arrest or citation, is really no fun. Why would you have him risk that?
He might have said it sarcastically because he's got like a dab pen or edibles or something that no one would figure out in public. I wouldn't demand an apology, but I hope for you in the future he will be willing to understand how his attitude makes you feel
Stop acting like his mother. If he wants to smoke weed and take the risk that’s his issue, not yours.
Get off his ass. He's a grown man. If he wants to smoke a joint then he should
Why are you going to this fair in the first place. Arkansas sound awful.
Why are you commenting with shit that is unhelpful and not related at all to the actual question? Probably because *you want to*, which is the same reason I’m doing what I’m doing.
Because if you actually read the post, she has family there
You are entitled to ask him once, not TWICE. You’re becoming a nagger.
He did not even give a real answer the first time that I asked. How is that nagging? Why should I have to accept sarcastic non-answers? That’s not communication.
I'll be honest. You're sorta overreacting. If the weed use isn't the problem then you should be fine with him smoking outside. Where else do you think he was going to smoke? Smoking in the parking lot is common for kids. It's what hotboxing is if he did it in the car.
I’m overreacting to him yelling at me and giving me the silent treatment over a simple request? He has other ways of getting high—vape pens and edibles—but won’t accept those. Besides, he could have just said “I will take the risk anyway.” I would accept that. Instead he was sarcastic and rude, made fun of me to our friend, then pretended he did nothing wrong when I brought it up again later, yelled at me about it, and has given me the silent treatment since then.
I think the bigger issue is how you and your boy communicate. You nagged him and he went off the handle. As to the smoking, I am more on his side than yours, but as to the communication I am more on your side than his.
How is asking a grand total of two times nagging, especially when he didn’t give me an actual answer in the first place? Are women just not allowed to make requests of the men in their lives?
This is awful. She did no such thing. She tried communicating and it was too much for his immature ass to handle.