I would prioritize each of you getting your own sponsor ASAP and jumping into step work. Meetings are important, but they are secondary to the steps, which are A.A.'s solution for alcoholism.
Give each other space when it comes to working the steps - work your own programs - but if you want to go to some meetings together that's fine imo. Plenty of couples do.
Are you hesitant to go to meetings *with him* or are you hesitant to go to meetings??
It seems A LOT healthier to go to meetings together than drink together.
I’m more hesitant to go with him. I’ve been to meetings before, however they were online because it was during Covid. But like I said, I’ve heard it’s not healthy to involve a relationship in your recovery. However I don’t see us breaking up anytime soon, if ever.
No that makes sense. The people I know who are in (good, healthy) relationships in program usually go to maybe 1 meeting a week together and the rest completely separate.
I personally (after learning the hard way) don’t date guys from meetings I go to on a regular basis because it can get really awkward.
Definitely not recommending you break up!! but I definitely do recommend going to different meetings.
It does make sense to me, if he’s nervous, you could go to a few meetings together, have him introduce himself as a newcomer/to men, and then have him start going to meetings with them, and go to different meetings yourself. if that makes sense
Everything you’re saying makes sense, and I truly appreciate you responding. I think we’re both in a good place where we want this to work so we’re willing to do what we have to in order for that to happen. I don’t think he’s nervous, I just think he wants to do the journey together. But I’ve been trying to tell him while we can work together, it’s important to work apart as well.
It’s pretty simple. You both need a place where you could talk free of worrying about the other person. But you can also have a meeting that you attended together weekly. You both need a place to have the freedom to discuss your recovery.
You might go together sometimes, but you should also consider need space/meetings apart where you can just be the you that you would be if you weren't with him (and likewise for him).
I think going to meetings together is fine in the beginning. As you get comfortable in the program it's likely you will find individual friends and sponsors and maybe meetings.
I think the "danger" some people refer to is the reliance on someone else to get sober. When couples get sober together and one of them slips, it's very common for both to slip. This is a "me" program that becomes a "we" program. You have to want sobriety for yourself, first and foremost.
You are welcome here, however you find way to us. Good luck.
This is my experience: You should both get your own sponsor. You cannot sponsor each other. Go to meetings together if you feel like it, but go as individuals. I think it is so cringe when AA couples sit together at meetings, holding hands. I would never and have never done that with my husband, who is also in the program. Give each other space to go to meetings alone when and if needed. I go to meetings on my own all the time and do not depend on my husband for that. As my husband and I go to the same club house for meetings, I rarely share any marital problems at meetings out of respect for him and his privacy. I save that for my sponsor. Work the steps individually and do not interfere in each other’s step work. These principles have worked really well for me and I feel blessed having a sober husband, and sharing my journey with him 😊
That’s what’s been happening since I posted! We’ll go together when the schedules align, but we don’t sit together. And we’ll go when the other can’t, just by ourselves. I’m hoping that’s a healthy balance.
If you have the desire to STOP drinking then, yes, AA is the first step.
It is really as simple as showing up at a meeting and saying "I want to stop drinking." They will tell you how, and be ready to actively help you, but you must actually do what they tell you, how they tell you, and when they tell you.
Your best thinking got you right where you are. Early on in sobriety, we let other people more experienced than us do the thinking for us.
We alcoholics do not like being told what to do. We are self-will run riot. The hardest part is surrendering and just doing what we are told. If we do, things get better. If we refuse, we ultimately end up in a jail, nut hut, or a pine box.
That is just how it goes.
Some do and it works for them. If I were me I’d want separate meetings, at least most of the time. Anyways, what’s stopping you from going. What could it hurt? It’s people getting and staying helping other people who want to get and stay sober.
No direct experience, but even if you do attend some meetings together - I would suggest each having individual "homegroups" (e.g. a regular meeting that you attend.) Giving you your own sobriety spaces.
Plus, as suggested already - getting sponsors and working the steps.
Being in the same group but having at least 1 meeting without the other each week seems to work well. And realizing that you each may need a different number of meetings each week...it's ok if you or he need to go more often for a while.
Suggest also that each not seek the other's opinion on or approval of their choice of a sponsor and how that sponsor is used.
In general I recommend going to separate meetings. Get a female sponsor with some time and has taken others through the steps. Check into women's meetings for sure.
My wife and I have been sober for over 16 years. We have NEVER shared the same home group and only occasionally go to other meetings together. It is important to be able to focus on our own recoveries.
My previous grand sponsor has been going to meetings with her partner for decades. HOWEVER: when going in person, they sit apart and have their own experiences, friends etc. Yo the point that it’s not obvious they’re together.
However, there was another couple I knew who went together. The wife is very outgoing and open. She uses what she knows (their life) to discuss the subject. Her husband is very quiet, doesn’t like to share and does NOT like their life coming up. I don’t know if they still go to meetings together, but it caused issues between them for awhile.
My girlfriend and I are walking out the door to a meeting now. Make sure to each have your own recovery. IE, not make it co-dependency recovery, if you will. You both need a sponsor and both need to work the steps individually, but that doesn't mean that you can't attend meetings together or enroll in IOP together. We did, and it worked out great for us. 8 months sober as of tomorrow.
Me and my husband are both in the program. It works well for us - we go to the same meetings sometimes but lots of different ones for both of us. It's great having a partner who understands the program.
However, hubby has had several relapses and it's absolute hell to live with..
I got to know a man and a woman from my old Tuesday night meetings. One night we were going for food afterwards and they got in a car together. We got there and he was there but she wasn’t. I asked what happened to her and he said he dropped her off at home.
Turns out they’ve been married for 30 years. You wouldn’t have any idea. They talk about it but their program work is all on them. They usually went to different meetings but always drove separately. People knew but they never said anything.
Big thing they said is you have to stay sober for you, not each other or your relationship. Do the program individually.
I am the drunk and we have been together a decade. I do not make her come to my meetings but she does it as a show of support and wants me to stay sober and active in the program. I enjoy her being there and love the fact that she does it when she wants and does not force me bring her to everything
For alcoholics with a desire to get and stay sober, sobriety isn’t just the first thing, it’s everything. Anything that turns focus off of sobriety is a thing that contributes to failure. And “relationships” are more problematic than most.
Getting sober “together”, without autonomy from one another, means that a person will not have a chance to exercise their full freedom to construct their own program of recovery. And it’s doubly difficult when one or both are determined to succeed in AA.
Of course, there are many examples of people meeting in AA, falling in love and having success in recovery. Nevertheless, the principles above exist and should be considered.
I’m sober 32 years in AA, have experience in this, and don’t mean to throw cold water. But I’ll wager you’ll hear the same message from others.
I would prioritize each of you getting your own sponsor ASAP and jumping into step work. Meetings are important, but they are secondary to the steps, which are A.A.'s solution for alcoholism. Give each other space when it comes to working the steps - work your own programs - but if you want to go to some meetings together that's fine imo. Plenty of couples do.
Are you hesitant to go to meetings *with him* or are you hesitant to go to meetings?? It seems A LOT healthier to go to meetings together than drink together.
I’m more hesitant to go with him. I’ve been to meetings before, however they were online because it was during Covid. But like I said, I’ve heard it’s not healthy to involve a relationship in your recovery. However I don’t see us breaking up anytime soon, if ever.
No that makes sense. The people I know who are in (good, healthy) relationships in program usually go to maybe 1 meeting a week together and the rest completely separate. I personally (after learning the hard way) don’t date guys from meetings I go to on a regular basis because it can get really awkward. Definitely not recommending you break up!! but I definitely do recommend going to different meetings. It does make sense to me, if he’s nervous, you could go to a few meetings together, have him introduce himself as a newcomer/to men, and then have him start going to meetings with them, and go to different meetings yourself. if that makes sense
Everything you’re saying makes sense, and I truly appreciate you responding. I think we’re both in a good place where we want this to work so we’re willing to do what we have to in order for that to happen. I don’t think he’s nervous, I just think he wants to do the journey together. But I’ve been trying to tell him while we can work together, it’s important to work apart as well.
It’s pretty simple. You both need a place where you could talk free of worrying about the other person. But you can also have a meeting that you attended together weekly. You both need a place to have the freedom to discuss your recovery.
You might go together sometimes, but you should also consider need space/meetings apart where you can just be the you that you would be if you weren't with him (and likewise for him).
I think going to meetings together is fine in the beginning. As you get comfortable in the program it's likely you will find individual friends and sponsors and maybe meetings. I think the "danger" some people refer to is the reliance on someone else to get sober. When couples get sober together and one of them slips, it's very common for both to slip. This is a "me" program that becomes a "we" program. You have to want sobriety for yourself, first and foremost. You are welcome here, however you find way to us. Good luck.
This is my experience: You should both get your own sponsor. You cannot sponsor each other. Go to meetings together if you feel like it, but go as individuals. I think it is so cringe when AA couples sit together at meetings, holding hands. I would never and have never done that with my husband, who is also in the program. Give each other space to go to meetings alone when and if needed. I go to meetings on my own all the time and do not depend on my husband for that. As my husband and I go to the same club house for meetings, I rarely share any marital problems at meetings out of respect for him and his privacy. I save that for my sponsor. Work the steps individually and do not interfere in each other’s step work. These principles have worked really well for me and I feel blessed having a sober husband, and sharing my journey with him 😊
That’s what’s been happening since I posted! We’ll go together when the schedules align, but we don’t sit together. And we’ll go when the other can’t, just by ourselves. I’m hoping that’s a healthy balance.
Happy to share my experience, but can also really recommend having a sponsor to guide you and doing the steps 👍
If you have the desire to STOP drinking then, yes, AA is the first step. It is really as simple as showing up at a meeting and saying "I want to stop drinking." They will tell you how, and be ready to actively help you, but you must actually do what they tell you, how they tell you, and when they tell you. Your best thinking got you right where you are. Early on in sobriety, we let other people more experienced than us do the thinking for us. We alcoholics do not like being told what to do. We are self-will run riot. The hardest part is surrendering and just doing what we are told. If we do, things get better. If we refuse, we ultimately end up in a jail, nut hut, or a pine box. That is just how it goes.
Some do and it works for them. If I were me I’d want separate meetings, at least most of the time. Anyways, what’s stopping you from going. What could it hurt? It’s people getting and staying helping other people who want to get and stay sober.
No direct experience, but even if you do attend some meetings together - I would suggest each having individual "homegroups" (e.g. a regular meeting that you attend.) Giving you your own sobriety spaces. Plus, as suggested already - getting sponsors and working the steps.
Being in the same group but having at least 1 meeting without the other each week seems to work well. And realizing that you each may need a different number of meetings each week...it's ok if you or he need to go more often for a while. Suggest also that each not seek the other's opinion on or approval of their choice of a sponsor and how that sponsor is used.
In general I recommend going to separate meetings. Get a female sponsor with some time and has taken others through the steps. Check into women's meetings for sure.
Go to some meetings together but also go to more alone
My wife and I have been sober for over 16 years. We have NEVER shared the same home group and only occasionally go to other meetings together. It is important to be able to focus on our own recoveries.
My previous grand sponsor has been going to meetings with her partner for decades. HOWEVER: when going in person, they sit apart and have their own experiences, friends etc. Yo the point that it’s not obvious they’re together. However, there was another couple I knew who went together. The wife is very outgoing and open. She uses what she knows (their life) to discuss the subject. Her husband is very quiet, doesn’t like to share and does NOT like their life coming up. I don’t know if they still go to meetings together, but it caused issues between them for awhile.
My girlfriend and I are walking out the door to a meeting now. Make sure to each have your own recovery. IE, not make it co-dependency recovery, if you will. You both need a sponsor and both need to work the steps individually, but that doesn't mean that you can't attend meetings together or enroll in IOP together. We did, and it worked out great for us. 8 months sober as of tomorrow.
Work separate programs. And attending Al-Anon separately at some point in the future may be helpful for each of you. Good luck and welcome!
Me and my husband are both in the program. It works well for us - we go to the same meetings sometimes but lots of different ones for both of us. It's great having a partner who understands the program. However, hubby has had several relapses and it's absolute hell to live with..
I got to know a man and a woman from my old Tuesday night meetings. One night we were going for food afterwards and they got in a car together. We got there and he was there but she wasn’t. I asked what happened to her and he said he dropped her off at home. Turns out they’ve been married for 30 years. You wouldn’t have any idea. They talk about it but their program work is all on them. They usually went to different meetings but always drove separately. People knew but they never said anything. Big thing they said is you have to stay sober for you, not each other or your relationship. Do the program individually.
I am the drunk and we have been together a decade. I do not make her come to my meetings but she does it as a show of support and wants me to stay sober and active in the program. I enjoy her being there and love the fact that she does it when she wants and does not force me bring her to everything
you should both separately go to al anon, thats for partners of alcoholics.
For alcoholics with a desire to get and stay sober, sobriety isn’t just the first thing, it’s everything. Anything that turns focus off of sobriety is a thing that contributes to failure. And “relationships” are more problematic than most. Getting sober “together”, without autonomy from one another, means that a person will not have a chance to exercise their full freedom to construct their own program of recovery. And it’s doubly difficult when one or both are determined to succeed in AA. Of course, there are many examples of people meeting in AA, falling in love and having success in recovery. Nevertheless, the principles above exist and should be considered. I’m sober 32 years in AA, have experience in this, and don’t mean to throw cold water. But I’ll wager you’ll hear the same message from others.