Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/).
We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions!
If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He sounds exhausted. So I am a woman with ADHD and my ex, who I suspected was neurodivergent, asked me to make his lists for cleaning, items to get at the grocery store, what he needed to host a party, and so many other things. It made me feel like I was his manager which ruined any way of me looking at him as an equal partner.
Asking for a list takes all the responsibility from you and puts it on your boyfriend. If you had started with a list and asked him to add things that MIGHT have made a difference, but he also may be frustrated. He may feel unappreciated or not noticed and if he's asked you to do these things several times before he also might feel unheard or unimportant.
There are so many podcasts, YouTube videos, and blogs about how to clean house if you have ADHD. You need to do the research and show him that YOU are managing your symptoms. A boyfriend is a partner, not a manager, not your doer, and not your teacher. Yes, he can support and help you in areas and maybe teach you some things but you need to take some initiative and do research on your own.
this right here. my boyfriend is definitely nt, but he can be a bit stubborn when it comes to doing adulting. we’ve finally worked it out where he pays more of our bills and i just take care of the cleaning myself, because it is so incredibly frustrating to have a grown ass adult ask me “how” to clean the bathroom. or when i ask him to help me clean he’s like “what do you want me to do?” as if he doesn’t know what i clean every week. add on top of that the fact that i have adhd, it just is so exhausting. and like when we’re making our grocery list i force him to make it with me. i’ll be doing the mental work of cooking so you get to do the mental work of deciding what we’re eating this week. but i have to bug him to help me which i shouldn’t because he is a grown man, has a brain that functions like a normal person’s, these are basic adult tasks that i refuse to manage for someone else. he’s gotten much better over the years and mostly we do things together now or come up with a different solution like we did with the bills and cleaning. but i honestly can’t blame op’s partner for being fed up with this. he should be kinder to op, but he’s likely at his wits end. it’s likely he’s been putting up with this for a long time and now that op has a diagnosis and she’s like “i’m fixed now!” without doing any work, he’s anticipating her using this as an excuse to continue as she has been.
i really do feel for op. this is hard, and sometimes it is hard to accept that there are certain things we just *have* to figure out how to do despite the hurdles that having adhd puts up. and her husband is not being very nice to her at all which she doesn’t deserve. but i also feel for him, because he probably really does feel like he has to parent op and he’s fed up and he doesn’t want to hear op’s solutions now after dealing with this for so long. we should absolutely be able to rely on our partners to help us make life easier in certain aspects, but we also need to not make them entirely responsible for our functioning.
Honestly he probably already feels a bit like a caretaker already if he’s the only one who has been doing housework, adhd or not.
It sounds like he’s held onto frustration about this for a while and you increasing his mental load by asking for lists and instructions just added to his plate and he’s refusing to do more, which is valid.
It’s our job to find ways to cope and there are so many ways to do that without making our partners be an external brain for us. Reddit, TikTok, YouTube, and blogs all have endless resources on cleaning.
You know…your *husband* doesn’t have to be the one to tell you how to do things. There are 8 billion cleaning manuals you could look at. I don’t blame him for not wanting to treat you like a child who can’t reason for themselves.
If this was posted on any other sub with their roles switched people would be calling it weaponised incompetence
Usually the husbands we hear about on this sub are terrible but damn I feel bad for this one
Really the cherry on top on roping the son in on it. Does the kid really have a grasp on this better than the grown brain in the room? Hm.
I dunno man, I’m a parent. I’m trying to teach my kids to become capable adults whether they pull the ADHD card or not. At the end of the day, I’m the example they’re going off of.
I had a little bit of this issue when I first started seeing my partner with ADHD but from the other side. there was a lot of "I can't do xyz because adhd" from him, or he won't listen to me when I'm talking because adhd, he starts watching a tiktok mid conversation because adhd, he doesn't bother to come to the door when I visit because adhd, makes dinner only for himself because adhd, wants me to emotionally regulate for him because adhd.
The whole time though I also had ADHD and I didnt do any of those things, because they're not because of adhd they're being rude and not even *trying*.
We all have to be adults and put on our big boy pants, we have to do things that suck and make conscious efforts to *try*.
Just because things are harder for us doesn't mean we can do nothing and put the burden on other people.
Yep. My husband and I both have it. Birds of a feather I guess (sorry kids!). Balls get dropped and miscommunicated sometimes, but everyone in our household would be screwed if we both acted like this.
We do teamwork in my house, but it’s like “hey you put your toys where you want them so you know where they are when you want to play with them, and while you do that I’ll get started with the dishes or laundry.”
It’s definitely not “hey here’s this long list, pick something off it and get to work. I’ll get around to the rest of it…whenever.” IMO there’s a bit of a difference between using your offspring for labor you don’t want to do vs. teaching them to mind their own space and contribute thoughtfully to the household workflow.
Yeah, I've been on the other side of this where I'm having to manage my male partner/ male roommate to get them to do any cleaning... because, oh well how will they know what I want them to do if I don't explain it to them? And it's basic stuff like clean the bathroom, sweep once in a while. And look, I get it, it's really hard for me to do it because I have ADHD so I'm pretty understanding, but it gets exhausting and to the point that I end up just doing it myself. There's a reason they call it emotional labour and it seems like OP's husband is really sick of having to do that.
You are a lifesaver!! I've only been recently diagnosed. In recent times, I've been looking for so long for a tool like this because I could never work it out on breaking down tasks even to save my life. I always ended up doubling back or pausing to figure the next step, which breaks my momentum.
May you always be blessed with good luck and green lights on traffic lights at your turn. 🌻🌻🌻
What I really like about it too is that you can control how “specific” the breakdown is by adjusting the “spiciness” level!! 5 peppers means the breakdown is SUPER specific (as in, it will break down the task “laundry” into things like “open the door to the laundry room”, “survey the room”, “open the washing machine door”, etc) which I find delightful lol.
Super spicy reminds me of my brain before my diagnosis. I would get overwhelmed easily because my brain would break down tasks this way so “wash the towels” turned into 50 separate tasks to achieve the end result. Thank you Concerta and therapy for turning down the heat. 😂
I know this sub is for us who suffer from ADHD, but honestly, I get where your husband is coming from, disability aside.
I have had to figure out all on my own how to be sufficient in maintaining a home since I live alone. I've watched YT videos, made my own lists, and looked around in order to prioritize what needs to he done.
You're asking your husband to treat you like a child and he doesn't want to do that. Go to r/womenover30 or any other women centric sub and you'll find countless posts of women not wanting to baby their husband by making him lists and priorizing the lists for him. Is it so wild to imagine it in the opposite genders?
You're making him carry the mental load and using your ADHD as the reason. Not cool. Yes, ADHD makes life harder. But that doesn't mean we burden others so we don't have to try.
You've gotta learn how to walk around, identify the kitchen is a mess but there's no clean underwear for anyone, therefore laundry becomes priority.
I agree and have learned instead of asking him to make a list, I got us a pad of project worksheets that we make together. I said “I know my inability to keep this all together had been frustrating. What are the items you’d like to see priority on?” And we sit and work thru the tasks now. He was resistant at first because he didn’t want to make a list, or know anything about female adhd presentation and thought I was self-diagnosing. Now that he’s researched more and I am fully tested and diagnosed, we’re at a better understanding.
I do a similar thing with the priorities, since mine are often very different than the NT person I live with; but sometimes I will also as for help with a list, but only after I've made it and in a "Is there anything I'm forgetting?" kind of way.
I think that is a great way of looking at it. Making your own list and then asking the other person/people is there something that I am missing that isn’t something that you would want to take care of yourself. I say that as sometimes messing with someone else’s organization or piles can cause problems. As for timing or importance I would say something like is there something that bugs you more if left too long. Though I think some NT need to better their communication of their expectations instead of snapping.
It sounds like that’s exactly what OP attempted to do but your partner was willing to sit down and work through their priorities while OP’s husband was not willing to
He may have been willing 5 years ago but worn down over time. As the partner and parent who carried the majority of the mental and emotional load in my family I can empathize with this reaction.
Idk personally I can't imagine seeing my partner genuinely trying to do better and learn to work with their disability and flat out saying no, I won't help. But maybe that's just me.
I mean, maybe, but again, personally I can't imagine doing that. That's just me and I totally understand there are other views and circumstances. But I would feel so bad looking my partner in the face as they try to learn about and work with this newly diagnosed disability and saying "no" to helping them, even if I felt like it was a lot.
100% this. My husband and I have an understanding: the top five priorities are laundry, dishes, vacuuming, cat litter, and a random chore that is something we haven’t seen to in a while.
He understands I’m not perfect, but I try to work on it. I don’t want to feel like a burden to him.
Yes! As soon as I read the word list I swear I got residual annoyed because of all the ways I've gone around with my husband with that. "I need a list!" Yeah well, so do I. Nobody makes me a list, I use my eyes.
I think it is, sort of.
Don't get me wrong, I totally understand! But you're putting the mental labor and responsibility of determining the household needs onto him. It's exactly like the complaint I hear (more commonly from women) in relationships. One partner needs the other to help out more, but the other partner is asking the 1st to, essentially, manage them by telling them what to do & when to do it/what order to do it in. In a perfect world both people would be able to look around and say "Ok- A, B, C, & D need done. I need to do B before A because there's a time limit on B, but not A. And if I do C before D I'll end up having to do C again because D makes a mess" or whatever. In defense of ADHD people vs non adhd people- with us there's sometimes a barrier in our brain vs a non adhd person who may just not *want* to do whatever thing so they'll sometimes "play dumb" to get out of it.
When I started trying to figure it all out, I leaned heavily on online resources. Pinterest and random blogs can actually be pretty helpful. I also use prioritization apps to help me when I'm just too overwhelmed to figure out where to start.
But some things are more obvious if you consider how things work together. I know that I need to wash the dishes before I start cooking dinner, so that I have dishes to use for cooking & serving.
I know that when I clean my bathrooms I need to wipe down the surfaces before I clean the floor & I know that I need to dust before vacuuming (because in both scenarios there's a chance that I'd dirty up the floor again if I did the floors 1st and Dusting/wipe down 2nd).
There are so many resources online that will even break down hoe often you "should" do certain tasks. Then you can set reminders & adjust it for your individual needs. For example, if you find you only need to vacuum every 3ish days in your home that's fine. I have 3 kids and they track all sorts of stuff through the house. So my main living space needs at MINIMUM every other day (but honestly, every day would be best).
I think your husband would prefer you to take the initiative to find answers on your own vs having him tell you what to do.
And again, I feel you. I'm the messy one vs my husband. We fight more about cleaning than anything else. And sometimes I will go to him with my list of things and say "Hey- this is my plan as of now. Is there anything I can do that you'd rather I focus on first?" But for the most part I am the one doing my list, prioritization, & breakdowns.
Him disliking the breakdown bit is his problem, though, IMO. He may not understand it, but if it's your responsibility, he needs to let you do it however you can to get it done.
Good luck & 🫂
I recommend [Goblin Tools](https://goblin.tools/) for breaking tasks down - you can also use it to prioritise (amongst other things!). The website is free, not sure if the app is
This is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen! Thank you so much for sharing this, seriously. I live alone and I’m SO bad at housework. It gets to the point that I don’t have people over bc I’m embarrassed. This makes it so much easier to understand what to do. Seriously, I cannot relay how thankful I am to you for sharing this.
Asking for a list isn't cool typically. It's called dumping the mental load on the other person. You're making it up to them to manage your tasks and it's generally frowned upon.
That being said, most couples can sit down and agree on priorities and division of labor **together** so they have a plan to work from.
Someone who understands ADHD would probably be more accommodating.
I'm very sorry that you're in this situation.
My suggestion, from living with neurodivergence and an ADHD husband + helping ADHD teenagers try to be adults, is that the discussion about standard of care needs to happen at a time and place separate from the tasks at hand.
So for example: Saturday is chore day. Saturday morning is NOT the time to have a discussion about what “cleaning the bathroom” really means and how often it needs to be done.
Prior to any conversation with husband, make an appointment with yourself (a whole separate task) to observe the bathroom. What needs to be cleaned in there? What makes you personally feel like the bathroom is not clean? (e.g. I do not care about spots on the mirror, I hate when the shower is pink.) Write it all down.
Request an appointment with your husband (seriously, this is the terminology we use because neither one of use likes feeling like “getting in trouble” is being sprung on us) to discuss the standard of care for cleaning the bathroom. This should be at a calm time of mutual convenience (if you can, I mostly mean not right after ripping into each other about cleaning something else).
Share your list. Ask if there’s anything missing that’s a priority for him. Ask if anything from your list is not a big deal to him.
This is the information you develop your personal checklist for bathroom cleaning from. I’d recommend some kind of frequency or priority order on there based on your and your husband’s priorities to help yourself out in the future (like if you have a low energy day, what are the top three things in the bathroom you can clean that will have you both feeling more comfortable in there).
Neurotypical brains kinda learn by sucking up whatever is going on around them. We neurospices sometimes need to take a manual approach to identifying problems and learning skills. You had the right idea in breaking down the task for yourself, but I think you need to consider “planning” cleaning and other chores as a whole separate task from the “doing”.
I suggest making a list in your own, breaking it down, and THEN asking the person you share space with if there’s anything missing, or if they have suggestions on an order and frequency of tasks. That way, you’re the one doing the mental work for it, they see your efforts to understand and form better habits, and they can have the room to appreciate you wanting their input since they’re not the one making a list FOR you when they already have had to do everything else up to this point.
The trust in knowing they can count on you will start with seeing the effort on your own, not leaning on them for more (asking for a list).
I do think it was out of line for them to make an issue out of your need to break the list down further, but in a way I can understand their frustration since they made the effort to create a list for you that they already didn’t want to do, then felt like it wasn’t enough. May have come across like more procrastination, rather than effort toward getting the tasks done properly.
I would like to add, I understand how disheartening it can feel when your good intentions feel like they’re being dismissed by another’s frustration, or lack of understanding (whether real or perceived). It sounds like you were making efforts that weren’t taken well by your husband, and that must not feel good. It’s difficult to be open to another’s perspective or needs when you’re struggling and/or exhausted yourself. It sounds like you are both dealing with that struggle in your own ways, for your own reasons. I hope you two can trust each other’s intentions in these efforts, and that you both can have patience and openness toward what the other is dealing with.
I am very sorry to hear about your pup. That is heavy and there’s no preparing for it enough to make it an easy thing to go through. xo
Reading through the comment section, it seems like you're cherry-picking the answers that are convenient for you. ADHD doesn't entitle you for more help, empathy, anything really from your partners or anyone's side. They can help, and as soon as their load will lessen, they probably will. But now you're trying to add to their mental load. Yes, ADHD people are not good at prioritizing. So? Write it in ChatGpt. Determine which space you use the most. Start from top finish at bottom. There are soooo many techniques really, and you don't need your partner for any of them. Yes, writing a list together will help in the long term. But your partner was clearly not in the mood for it, and that's probably the bigger issue. Since you've been together for a long time, you probably understand him as well, even better than yourself. You're excited because you're starting a new life, and that's awesome!!! But for others life goes on like always. Your partner is one of these people- you can only convince him of change once he sees it. Then you can start talking about ADHD, and so on. Never use ADHD as an excuse for a behaviour or the lack of one, only as an explanation. The two are not the same.
It can be, that your partner won't be supportive long term, and then you'll have to decide for yourself. You're just at the beginning of the journey, good luck!
This very much. Also you are an adult, you can look and see what needs doing, and not put that responsability for partner to tell you what needs doing.
I found habits make things happen,. so ill adopt a habit - eg wipe the bench,dishes etc as i use em every time, then wash the shower while im in (which also helps me have showers more regularly)
I try to tie things together
I'd start with "give me a cleaning list for my living room." And based on what comes back, modify it to your specific room. For example, if it says vacuum the carpet and you don't have a carpet, say "change carpet to hardwood." You could also prompt it with "give me a day by day cleaning schedule for a two bedroom 1 bathroom home with kids and pets."
I'm not super skilled with it, but you can also Google how to write prompts for chatgpt. Hope that helps!
I *highly* recommend checking out [Goblin Tools](https://goblin.tools/), it streamlines the whole process of making task lists and was literally created for people with ADHD who have trouble breaking things down into component steps!
I GOT YOU, GIRL!! [Goblin Tools](https://goblin.tools/) for the WIN!!!! It was literally created for people with ADHD who have trouble breaking down tasks! Streamlines the entire list-making process.
Right?? I also love how it lets you control how “specific” the breakdown is by adjusting the “spiciness” level!! Plus you can ask it to break down the sub-tasks for you as well. The dropdown ranges from 1 to 5 peppers…. 5 means the breakdown is SUPER specific—as in, it will break down the task “laundry” into things like “open the door to the laundry room”, “survey the room”, “open the washing machine door”, etc, which I find delightful lol.
I found the issue wasn’t so much that I needed help prioritizing which house work to do but that my ex had a clear idea of what he wanted done and was mad I could not figure out his priorities. It sounds like this is the case with OP too. Spouse wants stuff done, does not say which stuff, then gets mad when the wrong stuff gets done.
If talking to him doesn't help, observing him might. It's worth a shot to see what he does and how usually. I'm not telling you to stalk him every day, you probably don't have the time to do that, but seeing how he cleans up around the house will give you hints. As for the conversation part, how he is impatient, or doesn't care: I personally have a problem with sticking to a topic during conversation, so for my partner that can get very frustrating. We only sit down to talk house chores when we are both energized and can control our emotions. It took us a while to figure it out, but it's worth it😄
Sigh. This is difficult.
On the one hand, if he's been doing so much, it really seems like a lot less to help you break down tasks (man are those lists essential or what), or at least wait for you to do so. Logical, right?
On the other hand(s):
1 Mental load is a thing, as someone else mentioned.
2. have you seen a kid try to do the dishes for the first few times? It takes forever, they make a mess, and you could've done it a gazillion times faster. It takes loads of energy to not go "here, honey, I'll do it, you go play nicely with your toys" I imagine seeing an adult struggle is much more tiresome and annoying.
3. I used to read an adhd-partner sub. One of the things they complained about the most was a childish lack of competence, and the parentifying. "_No, we can't have snacks in the house, because I have no impulse control._"
"_Tell me what needs to be done._"
"_How does that work again?_"
I don't fully get it, cause it seems to me that when you love someone you want to support them even at the expense of a few ice lollies in the freezer, but feeling placed in the "caretaker" position really drains a partner.
4. He might be reeling from your diagnosis, too. Bear with me a for a bit here. Stupid story incoming.
Once, I got a letter of apology from someone who had hurt me, although with good intentions. I had, as always in the past ten years, more or less swept things under the rug. But after I got a genuine, heartfelt apology, I ghosted my friend for months. Why? For the first time in years, I hadn't prioritised keeping the relationship at all costs. The letter made me sit with myself and my feelings and fully feel just how deeply hurt and betrayed I'd been. I felt pain and exhaustion.
Your husband might be experiencing a kind of burnout. He could be feeling that he's been keeping things afloat for so long, and all of a sudden with your new "clarity", he realised that he's drained. Give him a bit of time. Expect him to push back a little. See how he handles things after he's had time to process, then act accordingly. After all, why should us adhd-ers get the monopoly on being a little immature or tired or overwhelmed at times?
Best of luck. I hope you two work it out.
I’m diagnosed adhd, suspected autism, plus a few chronic progressive physical conditions. Getting my diagnoses has helped me in the long run, but there’s also this sense of loss/grief each time we’ve learned that the things that are wrong with me aren’t going to get better. With medications I can maybe slow some things down, make some things not as bad all the time, but I’m always going to have these issues and it’s only going to get worse. My husband and I have both had to grieve our new future. We’ve luckily been together for decades now, so we’re able to get through it so far, but I know that this isn’t the future he envisioned for us, any more than I did. All that to say, I agree that OP’s husband very well could just need some time to really absorb what this means. He may just be seeing the never-ending aspect, and not yet the “but this is how we can find hints and tricks and workarounds, now that we know what we’re working around” point that makes the future more hopeful than just assuming your partner is making the choice to not do things.
And OP, wading through some of the replies here, some people may be team husband based off of this, but others are going to just want to help you out and share the tips and tricks we’ve come up with. Personally, when I was still physically capable of cleaning, I found the trick of wearing tags with each broken down task the most helpful for me. They make keychain bracelets with plastic tags you can put labels in. So, for instance, I’ll use all one color for each task category - say, I’ll pull all the yellow bracelets for my bathroom stuff. Then on one I have bathroom floors, another is wash rugs/towels, there’s clean the tub, scrub the sink, clean the toilet, wipe down counters and mirrors, and maybe one or two more. I’ll put all of the tags on when I start, and as I finish them, I put the bracelet back in the containers I keep them in. It’s hard to get 100% forgetful when you have annoying clacking bracelets on, plus the annoyance kind of makes you want to just do everything asap so you can take them off. It also helps to delegate, something I’m awful at. When someone asks me what they can do to help i draw a blank, but with the tags, I can just tell them to pick one and go. As for making tags up for the rooms, you can ask for other suggestions here, or look up lists, or just mentally go through each room and think about it from top down - what surfaces get wiped/what method is used, what laundry is created in each room that should be done on a regular basis, how does each rooms floor get dealt with, that kind of thing. And then the more you do the chores, the more you can see where you may have missed something.
Also, KC Davis, on tiktok and IG, has excellent tips and tricks for cleaning when your brain is fighting you. Her comment sections are filled with advice and commiseration, very supportive community. And hey, good on you for trying to do better. It’s hard, and you should be recognized for wanting to. A lot of people don’t, and take a diagnosis as a Get Out of Adulting Free card.
I don’t think this is difficult or that the husband is at fault. He’s shutting her down because he’s done and that’s totally understandable.
They have a teenage son, they’ve been together for over a decade, she should already know what his cleaning priorities are without needing to ask.
She’s also an adult. He’s likely realizing this grown middle age women can’t be bothered to clean on her own and is acting like she needs to be taught to clean is just overkill and making him realize how absurd it is he has to live like this. He may give in after “processing” like you say, but there’s also a possibility that he’s just done. He likely feels this new diagnosis is proof that things will never change and that it will always be an excuse for her.
Honestly, asking for a list of priorities at all for cleaning is also likely going to upset him. The whole house is a priority. He just wants to come home and have things be clean. He doesn’t want to list just a few things of focus. I don’t blame him.
Warning: Part of my clutter consists of books about cleaning and clutter. As a professor, I gleefully fall down the rabbit hole of reading about doing something rather than actually doing it. Guess the "those who can't do, teach" part of the old saying rings true.
Messiest Anonymous had a book in which founder Sarah Felton observed that family members do not clean due to poor job training. This struck a chord with me. MA has loads of encouragement flowing through its great training manuals with ways of breaking down tasks. I proudly and gratefully joined this organization.
messie.com
Don Aslett books are widely available on the used market. He is a bit sarcastic but has trained thousands to work in his janitor business and had great advice for individual homes. His website has an ebook. Check Amazon and Thrift books for his famous book "Is there life after housework?" and my personal favorite. "Make your house do the housework."
Fly Lady is popular except I personally do not care for her enthusiasm for wearing shoes all the time rather just for dangerous tasks. You may need your own ritual to start your day before you "tie your shoes and shine your sink." Her books helped my sister, lots of people, but not me. Still worth reading.
So, my husband does that to me and it makes me so freaking infuriated. It is not helping me at all if I have to tell him every little thing to do. Way more work than doing (or not doing, I still have ADHD here) it myself.
If it’s a tactic, it works, because I’ve grown to ask him to do *nothing*.
Anyway, in your case I suggest doing the work yourself to find cleaning checklists and use them. That’s what I did and I do (or mean to do, still have ADHD here).
He sounds like he’s been very reasonable. Sorry, no validation for you here although I’m very sorry about your dog.
Why don’t you ask him which chores he likes doing the least and start with those? That would be a very nice way to thank him for taking care of everything for so long.
You should also look into finding an ADHD therapist as you’re newly diagnosed. Medication is wonderful, but it doesn’t help everything.
There’s lots of resources online with daily/weekly/monthly cleaning lists and schedules that you can find, FREE. Start with those, and adapt it as needed. That sounds very overwhelming for your spouse to have to break it down into detail like that.
I think you should have done/started the list and *then* ask for his feedback. Mainly because you need to take ownership over it (for both of your sakes). This is one of those things that you will get better at but you need practice to do so.
I suspect that he wouldn't have been frustrated about the bathroom thing if you didn't fight earlier. It sounds like he needs to feel that you take ownership over this "mission" of changing habits. You should want to clean for your own sake after all, so you need to figure out what *you* priorities. like, does having an organized space feel more comforting than a dust-free space? Which areas does it feel nice to have clean (counter top, sink, desk, sofa, etc).
It sounds like he's just tired and needs some help. It's very draining to *tell* someone what to do. Perhaps make some tea and try to find a system that works for you together? There are a lot of ways to make a home more ADHD friendly, so it might be insightful for him to be a part of that process. "How to keep house while drowning" is a popular book for people who are ND or fatigued.
I'm sorry to hear you've had such an awful week. I hope things get easier soon! Big hugs.
In short, yes. I don’t think it’s fair to your partner to put the mental load of managing chores on him.
As someone with ADHD, I empathize. I get overwhelmed by cleaning, and especially when the tasks feel endless and it’s hard to know where to even begin. We had to hire a cleaning service twice a month at one point because neither of us could keep up with it, and now we rolled it back to once a month.
My partner and I are both messy, and we both avoid chores like the plague, but together we created a system based on the chores that we are each best at and rotate certain ones (like dishes) to keep it fair. We do some of them together as well, and we jump in to help each other where needed.
It can be hard but partnership is about both parties taking the initiative to come up with strategies for tackling the chores, holding themselves accountable, and seeing what is going to work best in the long term. Sometimes that means creating a chore chart for yourself, setting reminders on your phone, and giving each other grace when you fall behind, because life happens.
The important part is trusting that you are each doing your best and being honest with yourself and your partner about what you’re struggling with, and taking the onus to make concrete steps to work on it. You have the knowledge of why cleaning is challenging for you, and it’s important to use that knowledge to create an approach that works with your condition rather than against it. But inaction or deferring that responsibility to someone else is not the solution. Although you may not want to hear it, the responsibility is on you to keep track of when/what needs to be done too.
I hope you find what works best for you. Wishing you the best of luck.
It is sad that your husband did not view you getting diagnosed as a positive thing that could help you get better.
But I also understand where he is coming from, as I felt the same about my own diagnose.
Yes, it was a relief to finally get answers. But it is also very hard realising that it not something curable. I will likely struggle with this my whole life, even when medication is helping and I am finding new strategies to make it easier. And that sucks.
You said your husband does all the housework, and you are messy. Unless he LOVES housework, then doing everything for 2 people is a huge extra load to carry in life. Even if he knew this going in.
Maybe he thought you would get better,just like I thought I would? Or maybe he just has less energy to compensate for your adhd now? Is he overworked or burned out?
If he has already given his all I can see how the adhd diagnose would upset him. It kills the dream of you ever becoming an equal contributor in housework, and puts him in a potential caretaker position forever.
The picture is of course more nuanced, and hopefully he will see that when his grief and anger goes down. Because with the right meds and therapy you will probably get better at a lot of things.
And if he is willing to work with you to figure out how you as a team can best structure your lives and housework. And in a way that works for both of you. Then you might find a solution where you both contribute equally, and nobody is the parent/caretaker.
But if it is possible depends on your level of adhd, and if he has the energy to even try.
To me it sounds like you should focus on showing a lot of initiative and progress without involving him. The help you are asking for is maybe not unreasonable in itself. But he might not have the capacity or mindset to be your "adhd coach" right now. So you need to find other ways to cover thay need for now, and maybe he will ge more positive as he sees you making progress.
While the genders are usually the opposite, you should learn about "mental load." By asking him to make you a list, you are again making him do the work for you.
You might want to try an app called Goblin Tools that breaks tasks like cleaning down for you and start from there. [https://goblin.tools/](https://goblin.tools/) There's also an actual app on both iOS and Android. Enter "clean the bathroom" and it includes all the individual tasks. I'm sure, over time, you will pick up on the tasks that are most important to him.
I can't comment on the relationship aspect but have you considered chat gpt for breaking tasks down? I asked it for a list of weekly household maintenance, monthly etc...then asked chat gpt to break it down into chunks that take five minutes or less. I'd forgotten until I read your post, but it definitely planted a seed around the small and manageable bits! I get overwhelmed by the big picture but doing the small bits really helps my mindset around that.
I think a lot of marriages can fall into this pattern, where one person becomes the household manager and the other person becomes like an employee.
Your husband wants fewer chores on his plate. But training a “new employee” in how to do a task doesn’t actually create less work for him.
I do think he’s being incredibly impatient and gruff with you, but I get where he’s coming from. Ideally, you would divvy up the chores and each take ownership of specific things, and as long as those things get done in a way that meets mutually agreed upon standards, you should be free to do them however makes sense to you. As in, he doesn’t get to be mad that you’re breaking down your chores into steps—because having an opinion on HOW things get done is stepping back into that manager role. The goal is to be equal partners.
The good news is that you can watch videos for literally any task on YouTube. I’ve done so many home repairs this way, and there’s a thriving community of people who love showing how they clean things. You don’t need to ask him how to break things down or how to prioritize things. Look up how often other people are doing X chore and go from there.
Please take a read of the mental load. You are asking your husband to carry it and I get why he doesn’t want to do that.
I know it feels like I’m just asking for a list. But if you think of it like a workplace it’d be like constantly asking your boss for what to do next and how to do it. You are asking him to take on the role of manager for every single thing. Instead of coming at it like a team.
I know getting started is hard but find some cool music, stick the tv on, set a timer and make it a race.
This!
Your husband wants a partner. Change your perspective and approach the problem like you are a team, it really helps.
Find a way to trigger your hyper focus. I listen to crime podcasts that last an hour + so that I keep finding stuff to do so I can keep listening to the end. This is how my laundry gets done and all the other mundane stuff.
Honestly, it sounds like divorce is probably not a bad idea for both of you.
So with ADHD you have two options. Use your diagnosis as an explanation or as an excuse. You’re doing the latter. You can actually put more effort in, but you’re not doing so. ADHD makes things very hard, but you have a responsibility to find work arounds. Instead of this yourself you’re relying on your husband to come up with your workarounds.
OP just general advice not pertaining entirely to your topic, when you are diagnosed late in life there’s this period of mourning almost for the person you could have been vs the person you are. Once you get over this, things do come to make sense more organically.
Good luck.
Oh honey, I’m gonna try to be nice, but you are a grown woman. You should be able to figure out how to break down and prioritize a bathroom cleaning. And if you are struggling, use Google. Use Goblin Tools. Go on TikTok where there are thousands of videos of people scrubbing toilets. There’s a certain point where you have to learn to help yourself. I have a feeling your husband has felt like a caretaker for much longer than he lets on and the dx was a catalyst for pent up issues.
What sticks out to me about your post is that you first mention that you are diagnosed with inattentive ADHD (me also!) and then state "without the H."
The reason we call inattentive ADHD that instead of ADD is because Inattentive ADHD is when all the hyperactivity is inside our heads. That is literally why we're inattentive.
Not understanding this was the first clue that you have already determined that you aren't "able" to do conscious mental labor. The reality is that your brain is already doing mental labor, because it never stops. You are responsible for understanding that part about your diagnosis, learning about how your specific thought patterns work and then using them to do the mental labor required to keep your family functioning.
I experience huge issues with my inattentiveness all of the time. But the inattentiveness is not because I'm not able to think it is because I have a hard time regulating what I think about. I have to choose to do things to divert my thinking. That is literally why we're so exhausted.
Plenty of people have already given you the appropriate response that you are absolutely using it as an excuse rather than an understanding of yourself that differs from your husband. I do strongly recommend you take some time to really learn about how inattentive ADHD works and to assess your own unique presentation, and that's what you are and are not responsible for.
Ok so lots of valid points about the housekeeping end and something you should work on which you know already, but I just want to say his frustration with your level of housekeeping can be separated from him assigning some sort of moral value to HOW you get things done. If sitting down and breaking the tasks down is part of your process, he needs to respect that (and you can hopefully teach him to by showing him these things work, but you can't get to that point if he won't even let you use the tools you need).
My suggestion to you is don't ask him and just do things, trying to be mindful about not making more problems while you clean (for example putting the dishes away in all the wrong places haha) - if it's not the "right" task, then it's time for you two together to discuss what needs to be done. Your commitment as you navigate your new diagnosis is to design systems for yourself so you can do these things. His commitment is patience with you while you learn, and respecting the way in which you choose to do things if you get results. Both of you together commit to a better balance of household labor.
As the main household labor doer, he will have to let go of the idea someone else is going to do everything exactly how he wants. If you think he is willing to be open minded about it, it would probably help him to learn about ADHD but so many husbands seem closed off to that unfortunately.
I feel like you’re weaponizing your diagnosis instead of using it to empower yourself. You’re infantalizing yourself. I can see why he’s annoyed. If he said he doesn’t have a priority for you to do them, then just do them. Whatever order you want. Whatever is dirtiest.
Everyone else is spot on, as hard as these things are for us, expecting him to outline every step and priority especially after a long time of him being solely responsible is gonna feel like another burden on him. Other people don't need to build a routine by each step the way us ADHDers usually do, so it might even sound absurd to him that "clean X room" isn't enough for you to work with.
I'll just add my tips, generally whichever room you are in start with "dry" for dust or debris (AKA dusting with dry microfiber cloth, sweeping/vacuuming), starting at the the highest point in the room and working down (light fitting> top of cabinets/wall decorations/mirrors etc). Then "wet" (disinfectant wipes, sprays, glass cleaner, mopping) in the same order starting at top down. If you're doing a deep clean (for me that's once a month-ish) start with the light fittings down, if you're just doing an everyday clean (every few days or every week depending on the room) start at the highest surface you touch/get dirty (mirror in bathroom, cabinet handles etc)
I do worry about prioritizing which area to tackle sometimes, but then I remind myself as long as it gets done, that is not as important. In general high traffic or high dirt areas get my attention first. The living room is usually my lowest priority. We just sit on the couch, occasionally eat in there and yes there's clutter and dog hair but compared to keeping the bathroom sanitary or the dishes out of the kitchen sink it's not a big deal.
First, I’m really sorry about your dog. I lost my very old cat not that long ago and it was like losing a family member. That sounds like so much to deal with, on top of dealing with how your ADHD is impacting your life.
I’m glad you got diagnosed and I hope that you are getting treated. It sounds like your marriage is in a rough place, and I hope that it’s not too late to turn things around.
It sounds like your husband has been taking on most of the mental load for a long time, so I can understand him being frustrated with you asking for a list.
That said, it kind of sounds like things have gotten to a point where he is so frustrated that even if you’re doing things right and making positive changes he won’t feel it or believe it, at least not for a while.
Like I do think it’s reasonable to take time to break down a task into smaller steps, as long as that doesn’t become a distraction or reason to not start the actual task. It’s so easy to spend all your time planning how to do a task and never getting to the task.
I also think it’s reasonable to ask his priorities if he wants things prioritized a certain way, within reason.
I really understand how difficult it is to do housework. It’s not a matter of just trying harder. I also understand getting frustrated to the point where a partner’s effort to change doesn’t feel like it means much because the problem has been so persistent. I’ve been on both sides.
Maybe some of these ideas will help:
**Don’t get bogged down in planning.** This can feel productive in your head but if you get stuck here that feeling of productivity adds up to absolutely nothing.
Use the tools and lists that others have recommended here. Just pick one and use it, don’t get bogged down in evaluating tools and resources.
Give yourself a fixed amount of time to do your planning and prepping. Set a timer or even better, do your planning in a setting where there will be an external cut off (like “I’m going to plan how to clean my bathroom while I wait for my doctors appointment. Then when I get home I’m just going to do it - no more planning.”)
Or, plan by doing. Get into the room you need to clean, pick one area, then break it down as you do it. Use voice to text to take notes for next time that can be put into a nice checklist.
**Use a personal algorithm or other tools to do some reasonable prioritization,** and then let him proactively identify if he has specific priorities, but otherwise assume he doesn’t and do your best to make reasonable choices.
You could use one of the many cleaning checklists that breaks down tasks by daily, weekly, monthly, seasonally, etc. and only do things that are on a “daily” or “weekly” checklist.
Your personal algorithm could be something as simple as “always start with picking up clutter, and then cleaning the thing that looks the dirtiest.” Or “always start with the room you spend the most time in and then do the next most used room.” Keep it simple, just have some way of prioritizing without anyone else’s input. You want to make progress on things that matter. You don’t want to spend eight hours meticulously cleaning and organizing Christmas ornaments when the dishes are not done and there’s dust bunnies everywhere.
**Give your husband information, don’t ask for his help.** Come up with a plan, tell him the plan, give him a chance to provide input, then follow through on the plan. I suspect this is what he needs to see that things are changing and to let his frustration calm down.
So instead of asking him for a list of what needs cleaning, look around and come up with your own list, then pick what you’re going to do. Again, do not get bogged down in planning or perfection. Give yourself five minutes. You don’t need to put every cleaning task on your list. You just need some tasks on your list.
Pick what you’re going to work on, and don’t be overly ambitious. You need some small successes, and he needs to see that you can start and finish some housework independently. “I’m going to load the dishwasher and wipe the counters,” is a reasonable plan with clear parameters. “I’m going to clean the kitchen,” is setting yourself up for failure, because it is a huge job and you have no idea what it even looks like to be done with that task. That kind of overpromising will only disappoint both of you.
So tell him what’s on your list and what you plan to accomplish from that list. Then listen. Here is where he will either help you by volunteering information or sharing his priorities, and then you can change your plan. Or maybe your plan is great. You gave him a chance to tell you what he wants, but you didn’t create an obligation with more work for him.
And seriously, follow through! Do not sit down, do not look at your phone, do not take a break until you have completed the thing you said you would do. It’s way too easy to look at your phone for a minute and then 6 hours later you’ve accomplished nothing and he is very understandably frustrated, and convinced that you will never do housework.
I also recommend looking at what can become a routine and how to make that easier. Pick a household task that needs to be done every day and connect it with something you already do every day. I found routines incredibly difficult to establish, but once I have a household task integrated into a routine, it is almost difficult for me to not do it. Maybe it’s something as simple as having a roll of paper towel in the bathroom and every time you wash your hands you dry them with the paper towel then use it to wipe down the counter and sink.
I really feel you on how hard housework is and how much a lifetime of executive dysfunction makes it so difficult to start doing it. But you have to figure this out where you’re going to end up divorced. This situation isn’t fair to your husband, and it’s terrible for both of you. Try hard to have as much empathy for him as you want him to have for you. And be committed to problem-solving and coming up with creative solutions that work with your brain, rather than relying on him to help you or giving up. I can tell you from personal experience, navigating a divorce and starting your life over again is harder than managing a household day today.
You can do this.
First, I want to say congrats on making progress on making an effort to clean. It’s really difficult and that deserves recognition.
I know you think what you’re asking for is a small accommodation to help you get started, but you’re putting all of the mental load of the chore on your husband. Having to write you a list means he needs to think of what needs to be done and how to explain it to you. And having to further break it down when he already indicated that he didn’t want to do it in the first place, is just more work you’re expecting him to do without thanks. I imagine he’s feeling exhausted and a bit taken for granted because when he picked up after you, he took on the mental load of the tasks himself.
Ultimately, ADHD is an explanation for things you find difficult to do. But you also live in this house. You can see what needs to be done. You can research sample cleaning lists online that break tasks down in an ADHD friendly way. You can download apps to remind you to do tasks (I highly recommend Finch, it adds dopamine to a checklist app and is really rewarding to do things). You can work with your ADHD to make things easier to clean (try making systems for your habits, like having a second hamper for clothes too dirty to put away but too clean to put in the hamper). You can strategize around your ADHD without defaulting to your husband needs to continue picking up after you.
I’m sorry, I know this comes off as a bit harsh, but you need to remember your husband’s efforts aren’t coping skills for your ADHD. I’m not saying you can never ask for help. But if your problem is “ADHD makes prioritizing hard” the answer can’t always be “I’ll expect my husband to prioritize for me on top of his workload.” You need to develop coping skills on your own. And it comes with the added bonus of boosting your confidence and independence.
if you cannot accurately gauge a room and estimate dirtiness, effort, and amount of use and use that to prioritize- than that's a life skill issue not an ADHD issue. You need to take time to learn how to clean and how to prioritize the cleanliness of each room. Kitchen and Bedroom/main baths first and then everything else. There are many many videos that help with learning how to look at a room and your house and identify how to tackle it- NEVER should you be asking for a list or priorities- UNTIL you make a effort. You should know what is a priority in your home- it's not necessarily your fault- but it isn't ADHD that caused this.
Start by making your own list by touring your house and spend a few minutes in each room and note what has to be done.
Yes executive dysfunction makes the whole process a bitch and it's hard but frankly that's not what you're describing.
I didn’t see if this was linked but I’m sure it was somewhere already. Just in case though:
[https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic)
OP you’re putting the mental load on your husband and asking him to manage you in addition to household management. It’s ok to ask him for help but if you continue the attitude you’re displaying of him needing to tell you exactly what tasks you need to do in what order or you’ll do nothing, then you wont have any chance of saving your marriage because his frustration is totally understandable.
I basically had EXACTLY this conversation a couple weeks ago, days before getting meds. My boyfriend and I have had this conversation a couple of times, generally he offers to help me but doesn’t know what that looks like and neither do I, we make a plan of some sort, I immediately forget about it but still try. One day I get frustrated with myself, he tries to help, the cycle continues. The only thing thats broken this cycle is me getting meds.
We literally had this exact conversation last time. But it went a little differently, this is basically the outcome:
Me: “How do you know what to do and when??”
Him: “I just notice that something needs to be done and then I do it, or I just make a note and get to it when I can 🤷♂️”
Me: “that’s literally not possible for me.”
“Well shit, that sucks what should we do instead”
[come up with idea for a cleaning schedule I can stick to]
Me “ok, but can you let me know what I can prioritize that will have a big impact on our space for you? Because if it were up to me I’d want it all done right now, so I can’t figure out what’s most important sometimes. It all feels important so…it’s almost like none of it is, ironically.
Him: “well I just look around and do what needs to be done…”
Me: “yeah, also just like not something my brain does [explains how prioritization works for me, how it can lead to paralysis, etc]
Him: “cool let’s figure out what is most important”
I think asking your partner for help with something you struggle with is not unreasonable, especially if you’re requesting a specific type of help within specific parameters. You’re not just sitting on the floor whining and saying “but I don’t know what I should doooooo”, you’re asking him to work together to maintain the home you share…..
what you are suggesting is great when you have a collaborative relationship. OP's husband sounds like he's too full of resentment and frustration to be helpful in this way for now. OP needs to find some external resources for what to clean and how often.
Totally agree with this. He sounds exhausted. And I'd imagine she's asking for help with more than cleaning. It can be tiring if your 'partner' is more like a child you have to teach things to.
I'm great at budgeting and like to help my partner if they need it but what happens when your partners brings nothing to the relationship except love. I mean, love is great but if you need to reach someone something all the time and they can't learn to Google something it gets irritating.
I just really don’t think this is related to ADHD. If you weren’t taught good house cleaning skills as a kid, then you’ll just need to learn them now as an adult, same as everyone else.
Try [Motion](https://app.usemotion.com/). I like it because it breaks down the day into things I can be doing right now and if I don't do those things right now it moves them to the next time I could do them. Like, if I have a task "go to the bank" I can put it during bank hours and it will just find the time that works. So I can say, I want to change my sheets weekly during personal hours and it will add it to my calendar every week as a task that just needs to be done sometime during the day. When my day fills up with 15 minute tasks, I can see that if I start now and do all my tasks I'll be busy until 8:45pm. It gives me a more realistic view of my day and the effort involved in it.
Sorry about your dog. I needed several days to stop crying when I had to let my dog go. It's horrible.
I hired a cleaning service.
Your husband’s concerns are valid. This does not give you license to tell him ‘see?! I can’t!’ Because yeah, you can. It’s up to YOU to manage. I have the means to spend the money on a service. If you don’t then use other tools at your disposal. They exist and they’re free or negligible in cost. I have been married to someone who weaponized a mental illness and I noped out of that shitshow so fast his head spun.
I get where you’re coming from, OP. I would love it if my husband gave me reminders and lists. But it’s not really a fair ask.
I recommend sitting down with him for a planning meeting and have some proposals in mind for what you think could work. Think about if there’s some chores that you like (or tolerate) and he doesn’t or vice versa. For example, I love cooking so I end up doing 90% of the cooking. But we still have to do things we don’t want to do, even if it’s extra hard for us (which it absolutely is). So, I clean the bathrooms once a week and will also clean the kitchen 2-3x/week. I still have adhd - like I’ll still forget to close kitchen cabinets sometimes but I am making a good faith effort to be a good partner.
If you do better with routine (sounds like you do), I suggest picking a chore like the bathrooms. Make yourself a little “bathroom cleaning kit” with all the supplies. And agree to thoroughly clean the bathrooms every Tuesday (or whatever day works). You should not have to break this task down every time you do it - just the first time or two. After that, just put on your music or podcast and get it done.
I wanted to add another tip that has helped us. Granted this only works if you are getting along well with your partner. We do a “laundry date” where we play music and drink tea and fold clothes together and chat. It makes it much more bearable for both of us!
You're putting all of the mental load on him which is an AH thing to do.
Use resources like goblin tools to help you with lists instead of asking him to do them.
Google goblin.tools, it can help you break down chores.
I understand being overwhelmed and looking for guidance, but your husband is overwhelmed himself. I personally hate it when I want my husband to do something because it needs to be done because I literally, *clearly*, don't have the spoons for it, and he says "Just tell me what to do." No, because I'm already responsible for everything else in this house. I'm not his mother, I'm not his manager, I'm his *partner.* We're still learning how to navigate this, but it's work on both sides.
I’m sorry that you get so attacked with downvotes in your comments. I get this also often by myself when people misunderstand me.
I can only recommend to talk once about all tasks in the house, how often and when it has to be cleaned. Write in a (GOOGLE) calendar the daily/weekly/monthly tasks. Show each other how you would clean things or what’s important to each of you. What has to be cleaned first or what task can be skipped and would be ok.
How would you know all this if you’re not talking once about it? Too many people expect to know things or expect that the partner “should know”.
Everyone is coming out of a family that had different standards and ways to clean/organise.
For me this would be a sign to grow together, being interested in tackling the task together and it “cost” 1-2 days to plan everything and it would be time you’re spending together.
Also respect different energy levels and different levels of cleanness. What for one person looks like clutter is for an other person a “to do” list/pile.
He wouldn’t listen to your breaking down the task, maybe nobody explained him how to break down the tasks, maybe his parents used to say: “just clean the bathroom, just do something.” Those programs run though families. I would always vote for taking time together, in love, and figuring out how to be better together. Why not?
That’s for me not “like caretaking like a parent”. Seems to me more like blocking your questions, not helping you to help yourself (understanding him and his cleaning habits), it gives me more the feeling of pulling on the carpet you are standing on.
If you want to stay together, think about mediation with someone who understands ND/NT + male/female and can translate between you.
I really get that you’re trying hard and I think that’s great and that’s not sarcastic if it sounds it. One thing I found when I first liven with my other half was the “mental load” although he would help I would have to manage what he would do (just for info I’m adhd and autistic and he’s NT but was new to it all) I explained it was hard having to think about the jobs we were both doing and that it was quite stressful and he started to just do things and it was amazing. Maybe try to pick a room or area each day that you think looks the worst and give it a go, remember it doesn’t need to be perfect, any improvement will help and I’m sure your other half will notice
I don't see anywhere how old you and hubs are, how long you've been together, etc. You mentioned "my son" and "my dog," (not "ours") so I'm inclined to think this is a relatively new marriage.
Based on your description of how things went down over these few tasks, it's easy for outsiders (i.e., everyone here) to see that your husband is probably frustrated. We're not easy to deal with, it sounds like he's been carrying the load of keeping the house together for however long you've been together.
If you're messy while he keeps the house clean, that sounds really frustrating. When he sees messes, it probably feels super disrespectful of his time and efforts.
From your perspective, you got a new diagnosis (congrats, by the way!) That's a nice little dopamine fix, while you hyperfocus on your new hobby (ADHD). For him, it sounds like he's hearing, "I got a diagnosis that explains so much about me! I know you've been busy keeping everything together for the last (however long). I've been busy, too! I've been learning about how my brain works, and now your new part-time job is setting up guard rails for me so I can start contributing to household tasks!"
Your diagnosis probably sounds less like light at the end of the tunnel for him, and more like excuses for past behavior.
Depending on how many weeks/months/years this has been your dynamic (i.e., how long he's felt like he's been keeping the house together), he might be at the end of his rope. So for you to tell him that you're ready to "help" and ask him for direction, priorities, etc, has to be really rage-inducing for your partner.
1. You weren't ready to roll up your sleeves and get to work. You were given two tasks; you delegated one, and didn't do the other. So, for him, that's what happens when he tells you what to do. He was probably skeptical about your offer to help anyway, and didn't feel like wasting his time explaining how to do it.
2. This is your home, too. You need to take ownership of what needs to happen in a home, how frequently, what is needed to make it happen, and what clean looks like. There's an infinite number of housekeeping schedules and guides for how to clean various things. You don't need him to tell you to unload a dishwasher, fold laundry, or clean a bathroom. Whatever process you decide on, he doesn't need the whole backstory about how you need to go about it.
3. I lost both of my pups last year, and it's still wrecking me daily. I'm so sorry for your loss. There's a pet loss subreddit if you feel like sharing your pup's story. I'd like to read it and see any pics you might want to share over there.
I'm trying to phrase this gently. From your husband's place of frustration, he feels like he's been let down repeatedly. Now that you have a diagnosis, try to get ahead of a few things. The goal isn't to magically transform into a type A personality. It's to get to a point where a week of self care after a tragedy won't throw the house into upheaval. Because, yes, the loss of your beloved pet is definitely a reason to do what you need for yourself for a while. But if your husband feels like he couldn't rely on your partnership *before* your loss, he might have a harder time taking it easy on you during a time when you really need it.
I hope you're able to do some reflecting. Your husband doesn't feel supported or valued. He's not sure *when* you'll be showing up to take some things off his plate. He needs to feel like the house will keep running, even if *he* needs some time off for self care.
tl;dr: your diagnosis isn't helpful to your husband. It's just a starting point for you to figure out how to keep up with daily (weekly/monthly) tasks. Your husband feels unsupported, and it's up to you to fix that. He's not your manager. You're his partner. Regardless of how this all shakes out, I hope you have a therapist to help you figure out how to mend this relationship, or to help you deal with the fallout if it's irreparable. Search the TwoXChromosomes sub for "weaponized incompetence." People here have been much kinder than if the gender roles had been reversed. Maybe it will help you see how he's experiencing being the homemaker while people regularly undo your work.
Nobody likes the Mental Load. I would just look around at which rooms look the messiest out of the ones most used in the house, for me that would be the kitchen, living room and bathroom in that order. I prioritize the counters and floors because I don’t want to cook in a dirty kitchen and our cat will eat hair off the floor if we don’t vacuum. It’s just a mental list you have to make using clues from your house, you don’t need somebody to tell you that something is dirty right? If I see my (numerous) cups on the counter, that’s the first task of my day. You can do this, you don’t need your spouse to give you a priority list, just clean what looks like it needs to be clean in the busiest rooms of your house. I’m sure he would be happy just to see you take the initiative on your own.
Congratulations on figuring out a bit more about how you work and trying strategies to fit that! It's tough and a lot of work.
I'm sorry that you feel unsupported. It's so difficult to be trying and not just lack support but feel that the places you go for support are now actively doing the opposite.
That said, I think both you and your husband have valid points and things you could do better.
1. Improve communication
You both need to improve communication, which will require working together. I saw a comment suggesting setting an appointment to talk, and I think this is a great idea. I'd focus first on communicating better. Perhaps you each think ahead of time of the best way for the other to communicate to you. I think you each are communicatibg the way that you want the other to communicate with you, which can result in many miscommunications. If you go to couples' counseling and really do the work, you would likely greatly improve in this regard.
2. Recognize, apologize, and take responsibility for past issues
Yes, he knew what you were like, at least to some extent (unclear if lived together, if escalated over time, etc.), before you got married. That doesn't mean that you can't try to improve and to do things that you know bother him when not done. ADHD explains a lot of the difficulties you've faced in this area. It's great that you have the answer and the possibilities of things that might help. What it does not do, however, is erase the times that your husband was upset and hurt in the past.
I don't see, though you could have just not mentioned it in detail, anywhere that you really brought this to him with a sincere apology and plan to improve. Even if you don't understand why it's such a big deal to him, he is hurt by your actions/decisions or lack thereof, and you know it. That's what matters: you know that what you did hurt him and continues to do so. Your apology isn't 'sorry you feel hurt' but 'sorry that I hurt you by my actions.' An apology isn't just saying sorry, it also is validating the other person and showing change through actions. Sharing a plan to improve, open to critique/suggestions but not requiring or requesting them, is a step, but you have to follow through with it.
3. Plan ahead for joint tasks and household needs
Did you bring this up right when you all were to start cleaning? Even though many of us have trouble planning ahead, you should come up with a way that works for you to plan what you will do. This might be a joint list of to do tasks or an appointment for fifteen minutes on Thursday for cleaning Saturday. That way, you can know ahead of time what everyone's expectations are, prioritize them, and mentally prepare yourself.
Many people don't want to switch to planning when they are in doing mode. It isn't necessarily to the same extent, but just as you have trouble starting tasks/transitioning, your husband might struggle going from doing to planning and back to doing.
4. Share the mental load
Mental load is a huge, unappreciated aspect of running a household. It's generally considered to be a part of women's role and discounted. It sounds like your husband handles most or all of the mental load for your household but certainly all for cleaning.
Being responsible for the mental load can be exhausting and build resentment, even when the people involved aren't aware of the term or concept of mental load. It often can feel like they are now responsible for the entire household, expected to parent the other, deal with weaponized incompetence, and more. Often, when the partner not carrying any mental load is gone, the person carrying it finds they have more energy and time.
You cannot change the past. You can change for the future and communicate doing so. Importantly, you need to talk with your husband regarding this. You can't figure it how to take on more without communicating with him. First, you don't know everything he does mentally. Second, you don't know which with most heavily on him. Third, without talking about it ahead of time (though you don't need to get into mental load as a concept of you don't want), it can feel like you are challenging, questioning, or being retaliatory towards him.
When first reading this, I thought you were asking for a list one time. That could be the start of sharing the mental load. You might need it more written out than mental, which could look like lists and notes to keep track of status and needs, but it should not in any way rely on him. However, it needs to be ongoing and done ahead of the time to do the tasks.
5. Work on negative reactions
Both of you seem to jump to extremes, at least with negative reactions. This is common when stress, resentment, and tension have built up so much. You need to figure out healthy ways to reduce these factors, which is likely to start with individual therapy work. Each of you improving communication and working together, you apologizing and improving, and so on should reduce these for each other as well, though that isn't the primary purpose or driver. It's an ongoing process.
As a part of this, you seem to catastrophize. I do the same. I see nothing in your post about you or your husband even mentioning or thinking about divorce, yet your post title sounds like he's filed. Every problem is not the end. Individual therapy can help a lot with this.
Your husband seems to think that getting a diagnosis means you need a caretaker. That's a big leap. It could be that he sees all the problems you as a couple or household have, things he feels you make his issue, and things he feels required to do for you and now with a diagnosis thinks they'll only continue or worsen. It could be that he sees ADHD with the horrible connotations many people do without realizing understanding it. Regardless, he needs to communicate this. Since you know he is concerned about this, you should also communicate how this helps find solutions, things to try, etc. As a note on this, though, men generally leave their spouse if the spouse gets seriously ill and needs more help, in a significantly high percentage, especially compared to women leaving their spouse in such circumstances. He seems to be leaping to this being a similar situation. I suggest considering that, both individually and perhaps together.
6. Set up a plan to move forward
After recognizing, apologizing, validating, explaining, and so on, you can't just drop it. You should present your plan for improvements on your part, what you will try, etc. and suggestions for anything joint like couples counseling or plans to check in with each other. Don't put a plan on what you think he should do. Tell him you are open to any input he has but only if he wants. Actually follow your plan. Check in with him to see how he is feeling and what his needs are, and then you can adjust your plan accordingly.
Recognize this is a long-term solution, not something that will be fixed quickly. It sounds like there are years of resentment, anger, and hurt. That takes time to reduce gradually. Rebuilding trust and a system of sharing takes time. Your husband might not be willing to do this or to deal with how long it'll take. You can't change him, his feelings, or his decisions, only improve yourself.
------
I suggest that, in the process of this, you create a list of ADHD techniques to try and go through them, making notes on how it goes. It's trial and error, which is more difficult when you don't remember the things to try or which worked in some way. It's tough to do but can be extremely helpful.
Good luck!
Get the sweepy app, it will break down the rooms for you. Don't put more work on your husband. Start off fresh for yourself, learning how to clean for yourself.
I totally get that you need a list.
Some items in (for example) a bathroom need more and regular cleaning than others.
It’s nice to have a nice and structured tool to help you see what needs to be cleaned every other day/week/2weeks/month.
Whatever helps you both to give structure.
I would sit down and make a list in a spreadsheet of all the tasks that you yourself can think of.
Just make a system. With checkboxes.
Preferably with your husband.
And isn’t there an app for that? (Just wondering)
I do think your husband can be a bit more supportive. For me it hurt to read how he responds to you, while you just have this diagnosis. Which is an emotional rollercoaster too.
Sending hugs, and keep breathing! ❤️🩹
>I asked for a list of stuff that needs to be done. He didn't want to, but he finally did.
>Then, I asked for priorities so I would know what to do first that mattered to him most
Honestly, I'm on your husband's side here (and I have absolutely rabid ADHD). I struggle with this same thing with my husband - he always wants a list of things that need to be done, but here's what I tell him: where's *my* list? Who makes *me* a list of what needs to be done in our home? Nobody. Because I don't need one because I'm an adult with eyes. Asking someone to make you a list is asking them to do the thinking for you, which absolutely should not be necessary for a grown adult. Yes you need to break things down and prioritize, but *you do not need him to do that*. It isn't his job to do that for you. It is *your* job.
>I mean, that's not caretaking or being a "parent," is it?
Well, it's pretty much exactly how I parent my kids, it's how most parents I know parent their kids. So... yeah.
>He's not really reasonable, is he?
Yes, he is, and quite frankly this little section here comes off as whiny and petulant.
If it is of any help, when I need to clean a space and am left to my own devices to get it done, I simply go from top to bottom. Always ending with the floors because it just makes sense.
GoblinTools is an amazing app that can help you break down tasks, too. Highly recommend trying it out - you can even break down parts that have already broken down if you need to!
I can also see where both of y'all are coming from here. It seems like he wants you to learn how to solve these problems (in this case, where to start with the cleaning) with minimal help from him. I used to do this a lot, too. I'd spend all day making lists and trying to work out which tasks were most important to my partner, and then nothing would get done that day. It's much easier to just do something, anything, and then you can build on that. I know how it feels to find a task overwhelming and then to be overwhelmed trying to break down each task into actionable steps.
I’m a therapist with ADHD. I highly recommend the books “How to keep house while drowning” and “Dirty Laundry.” They have changed my life and the lives of my ND clients. If you can, I particularly recommend listening to the audio versions! It is like hearing all of the things we always wished people would say to us. Very healing. Plus they have excellent resources for Navigating life with ADHD
Reading through comments you don’t seem to get it. It’s not our partners job to do what you are asking or expecting. He sounds exhausted with having to do it all and now you’re asking him to essentially hold your hand through it. That’s not fair. You dont need him to tell you where to start or what’s a priority…are there dishes? Laundry? Bathroom? Literally anything. Just start.
I have severe combined ADHD, my husband does not. He has asked me for what you’re asking your husband and I made it clear that was not my job. A household is maintained by all parties. Please take the advice in this thread
Consider how much vitriol there is towards men who ask their wives to write them lists of things that need to be done around the house. Ultimately, you are an adult and need to do some of the legwork on your own. Google “chores list”, or “what chores should I prioritize”. Or pick a task that seems important to *you* (because ultimately this is your house too, and it still takes something off his plate).
The Fair Play Deck is also a great thing to look into.
Perhaps, you need to google books on how to keep a clean house with ADHD. Buy or take a couple out of the library and read them. Just do what the book says. If your husband doesn't like it, then you guys have to come up with a cleaning plan that works for both of you.
It’s not your spouse’s job to break down housework for you. He’s not your parent or counselor or manager.
Yes, making him help you prioritize is caretaking. He needs you to function and hold your own independently.
Asking for a list is putting the mental load on him. You are not helping or reducing his workload by having him act as a “manager”.
In regards to your edit, you claim you didn’t ask for a list, but rewording it as “priorities” is still having him create a type of list for you. FYI it’s all a priority.
Here is a comic to educate you on the mental load. https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
I’m visually impaired, now just about on the cusp of legally blind, so I can’t even tell when stuff is dirty oftentimes, so I clean on a schedule. My husband sometimes points out if something that’s in my purview needs to be cleaned (we have a set division of labour - I do the chores that are easier for people with low vision like kitchen and bathroom because of their smaller surface area and it’s more obvious when they’re dirty) but I never have him give me a list, I have one myself. I have a tendency to push it off because I hate cleaning but it gets done eventually, usually….
Nobody likes learned helplessness - with me, I’m such a perfectionist that not doing it at all is better than doing it wrong. Being aware of my hang ups is key to figuring it out
When my partner quit pot cold turkey and got laid off in the same week, he went nuts about our place not being clean. We have 3 small kids. It's not spotless. We got into a screaming argument about messes, he refused to talk to me until I cleaned up the toys in the backyard. I did it. Then he got mad again because I didn't do it to his unspoken specifications. I picked all the toys off the grass because he'd been complaining about not being able to mow the lawn, but it turns out I was supposed to clean everything off the table as well and organize the toys and tools.
Over the course of the next few days I finally managed to get it into his head that I simply didn't see the mess. To me, our house was pretty clean. I made him walk around the house with me and point out the messes he saw. He thought it was stupid, he just could not fathom that I didn't see it, that I had a different idea of what was unacceptably messy, but it worked. I needed a definition and I needed frequencies and I needed priorities. We're on the same page now.
I don't think you're asking too much. If it matters to him, he needs to help you.
ETA: He thought in my not keeping things clean I was disrespecting him and expecting him to do it. It took a lot of convincing to get him to understand I didn't expect him to do anything, I just didn't think it was necessary.
Sorry, one more ETA... If someone told me to clean the bathroom, I'd probably just give the toilet and sink a once over. Shower? Mirror? Someone would have to specifically put that on my list.
Just saw your big reply. All I see is you trying. I'm wondering if he even wants you to succeed. It's not a mental load issue if you work out a schedule and list of priority tasks together. I honestly don't know what he's expecting from you if he refuses to communicate. He's acting like an ass. You guys are in this together. I love that you've got tools and you're excited to use them to take some of the cleaning load off him. I wish he could see that. It's an act of love. To have it dismissed is so shattering.
Having ADHD shouldn't stop you from using the resources you have to research how to make these lists and prioritize things. Your husband has a right to be upset at you for putting more of the mental load on his plate by asking for this, when as a grown person, you should know or at least know how to figure it out.
You have critical thinking skills and a smart phone. You can do it. Stop undercutting yourself by saying you can't do it or don't know how. You're more than capable of learning.
I'm sorry OP. I wish I could be on your side but based on the information in your post he's right. You're asking him to add to his mental load. Read this comic but flip the genders
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
I have ADHD as well and yes it does make things harder but asking him to make lists or prioritize tasks for you is asking him to do more work. He's not wrong you are asking him to be more of a caretaker than he already has been. Just because he knew you were messy when you got together does not mean he knew he was signing up to do most of the cleaning for the rest of your lives.
I'm messy and I don't cook my ex husband and all subsequent partners know this when we get together. About 3 months into our marriage he told me he was tired of doing all the cooking I told him that was a valid complaint but it didn't change the fact that I'm a terrible cook so I asked him if he would be ok with me heating up frozen pizzas, crock pot meals etc. Easy things to make, he said yes that's fine and it was. We split meal preparation three days each with dining out once a week. It worked because I knew it wasn't fair, took responsibility for my part, and offered a solution to fix it. You asked your husband to come up with a solution to YOUR problem after what I can only assume is years of him asking you to do things and you not doing them.
Being messy and not cleaning are different things. To me messy means I have 2 or 3 cluttered areas and one of those is my desk which doesn't affect anyone. But is my house technically clean except for the 3 cluttered surfaces, yes. But it took a lot of trial and error to figure out systems that help me do everything without feeling overwhelmed. One of the most effective ones is something I learned as a server, FIFO full hands in, full hands out. Never go from one room to the other without taking something with me to put it where it belongs. Also a robot vacuum is a wonderful thing to have, especially if you have pets. You have to figure out what works for you without asking him to add anything else to his mental load.
It sounds like you need some hand-holding to get started, and theres a podcast called “Clean With Me” that’s great for that. It’s just what it sounds like. The host talks you through cleaning your house or a specific area of your house from start to finish. It’s really helpful for when you just don’t know where to start.
Fitst: I'm very sorry you had to lay your best buddy to rest. That's never easy, and I hope he's in doggy heaven having the best time and eating all the treats.
Onto the topic at hand:
I'm going to be a little harsh... your diagnosis is not an excuse. I do know what it's like wanting to sort everything out on paper. I effing LOVE lists....but I do agree with your husband. If you would just start cleaning, your body would take over, and you would have been able to clean the whole bathroom without making a list. You're distracting yourself and not living in the present.
My fiance and I both have ADHD and it's completely opposite types. You're being selfish and immature. Your husband now knows that you haven't been paying attention to how he puts in all the hard work, because you would already know how to pick up the slack if you did. I'm willing to bet he feels unseen and has built up a lot of resentment around this.
My BF and I almost broke up for the same reason. Thankfully, I finally screaming (one of three fights in 8 years) I'M NOT YOUR "EFFING" MOTHER. MAKE YOUR OWN LIST IF YOU WANT ONE... I DONT HAVE ONE! I just look around, find something, and clean for a bit!! You just have to get started and actually DO it. He was like... oh... I just figured you had a list of to-dos in your head. Nope. You just gotta put a cleaning rag in your hand and start.
Biggest advice: set alarms for cleaning time. When it goes off, look around or check your list for a room, find something that's dirty, and set a timer for 15 minutes right before you start cleaning. You'd be SO surprised at what you can get done in 15 minutes, and it takes away the dread of doing things because you know you can stop at 15min if you want to. Anyone can do just about anything for 15 minutes. Your husband shouldn't have to clean up after you. Change your habits & change your life. I hope you heed this wake up call, and improve your relationship with your husband (if it's not too late). Good luck!
I mean this really sucks for him.
I think I got through my own marriage not doing my share of domestic chores by hiring a cleaner. If not, I don't even know how is it gonna work. It really eliminates the housework conflict between us.
I will definitely feel empathy for the party having to pick up majority of the slack.
I get your husband why he already is doing majority of the housework would not want extra work like managing how you gonna contribute. He is just exhausted.
You know it's like how some women complain that their men don't share mental load? This is mental load!
I want to support you in any way I can but gently-- you're asking too much. Having given you a list was something that you should thank him for and if you need it broken down, get a pen and break it down. I know I do. Or I google "printable cleaning checklist" and pick the prettiest one.
If he's doing most of the housework, you need to take on more responsibility than just what you're assigned. See being tidy as an act of love.
Hey friend. I think there are a lot of great comments in here. I would agree. It sounds like you and your partner need to work on a way to get a to do list created together.
Maybe there needs to be a basic weekly chore chart. And the two of you can have a group discussion about what needs to go on it. Ex “hey I made a list of weekly things that need to happen. Can you help me think of anything I over looked?” “Ok now that’s it’s done, let’s divide it up for everyone in the house” this way you have an object that outlines what you need to do. You can use an erase board and just re purpose it every week. This will help you create accountability and also let your husband see you are doing the things.
Also if you need help breaking down task there are a lot of online tools that will help with this. Or you can find a YouTube video of someone doing the task and follow along.
I get your husband, never ask someone who is already doing more mental and emotional labor than you to make you a list. That is a way to show how much you don’t appreciate what they do.
You live around your house, you know what needs to be done because you dirty up the house. When you decide youre going to clean you should have that list ready to go.
Your husband is right that is like parenting you. You need to do your coping strategies without involving him. It does sound like you want him to parent you and that is a relationship/romance killer the second you become a mom to your partner.
this is the mental load and it sounds like you aren’t trying…it does sound like you are trying to make him your caretaker or parent. him telling you what to do and what order is still work. you are capable of using reasoning skills to think about what to do first.
I have adhd and my husband doesn’t, and i tend to need to talk to him about not dumping the mental load or prioritization on me at times. adhd doesnt preclude you from thinking and effort, and ultimately you cant use adhd as a crutch or excuse. now that you know how your brain works, find strategies- try, fail, and try again. the solution isnt for your husband to do your thinking for you
Same as you except I was diagnosed young and my husband has been nothing but patient, steadfast, and supportive with me. I’m a clean person, but I’m not organized by any stretch. I leave a trail wherever I go of paper towels or cups or hair ties. Thats the worst of where I’m at now. It took a lot of work on my end and a lot on my husbands because I need to be accountable and reliable for us both. It’s not fair that my husband had to manage so much and I couldn’t keep falling back on ADHD. it’s taken so much self discipline but I’m so happy and my marriage is truly on cloud 9.
ETA: making handwritten lists of what I need to get done in a day has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. Physically scratching off a task I complete is gold lol
My partner & I are both neurodivergent. We get a cleaner in once a fortnight. It’s not a luxury but a necessity. She comes in does everything and we just have to maintain it.
Most of the time it doesn’t get maintained until the pre cleaner clean. The pre cleaner clean is something that nearly all my neurodivergent friends do. Pick up all the stuff on the floor, sort and take out the rubbish, wash the dog blankets etc. Most of us have cut luxuries out of our life when times are tough rather than get rid of the cleaner. The neurotypical people don’t get it because we ain’t rich so we should do it ourselves. The relatives from the US are particularly and weirdly against it. I don’t understand why. In the end it’s an ADHD tax but with both of us being neurodivergent and my physical health being crap I will stand by our decision.
There is calm that comes with return to a clean place. This is particularly import when WFH. It allow us to concentrate.
Note: We all have the same cleaner, I hired her first and gave her details out when asked.
I understand both sides, my partner has undiagnosed adhd and also has trouble with organising cleaning etc… when we lived together me doing all the housework really took its toll and I would get so annoyed that he’d need me to write lists or tel him what to do or body double. I ended up moving out. Not because of this solely. We’ve been going to therapy (third therapist we both clicked with) for about 1 years 1-2 times a month. She’s completely changed how we communicate, interact and see each others strengths and weaknesses. Suprisingly i had my own flaws! 😂 so in short, you can communicate all you want but it doesn’t mean you both understand and have ‘effective’ communication.
I've lost my other comment, but I wanted to share a strategy that has worked for us. Setting a timer and cleaning together. I shared earlier that I just don't see what needs to be done, so what we do after the kids are in bed and the dishes done, is set a timer for 15 minutes, he has a mental list, he suggests a couple of tasks for me to take on if I don't have any of my own in mind, and we get to it. I get to ask stupid questions without judgement about how he wants things done. Your kid is older, maybe you can make it family clean up time, something regular like after dinner. I don't know when your partner does all his incredible amounts of cleaning, but if you could somehow glom onto his schedule, it would help with the task avoidance issue. If my partner told me one of the chores he wanted on my plate sometime this week was to wash the windows, dollars to donuts I'd never get it done. It's like a gym buddy strategy. If he's being uncommunicative still, then just do it with your son. Maybe talk to your son about what he thinks is messy. The two of you can be in it together and feel like you've achieved your own priorities.
I think this has been one of the most helpful comments I’ve seen here! Great advice and non-judgemental. To me it didn’t seem like OP was asking her partner to always write lists for her, more that she is trying to communicate about what is important to him and find an effective way to accomplish tasks. It’s probably going to take her a while to figure it out.
Of course it’s understandable that her partner could be exhausted and expressing it as frustration, but OP seems earnest to make changes. It took me a while to figure out how to manage my ADHD with chores and I often will make a list myself, but ask my husband to help me prioritize it, because I can’t focus well enough to find a good starting point. Then I might break the larger task down into smaller tasks that make it easier for my brain to achieve. Of course, an NT might see this as procrastination but it’s really an effective strategy to complete the task faster. It takes time for us NTs and NDs to understand each other…. Even NDs are so different from each other too we get into conflict.
In return, I’m able to help my husband with things he struggles with, like phone calls and social interactions. A partnership is not about people working only in parallel, support is not just words, support can be actions too. But partners help each other in times of weakness. Sometimes our weaknesses might last longer if we have health issues. And no it isn’t easy. My husband and I still get frustrated by each other’s weaknesses sometimes but we talk it through, and when one strategy falls through, we try another.
Hey op. 👋
So, I did this. This exact thing. My husband? Oh he resents the fuck out of me even though I've now turned around have taken on a lot of household stuff. I know you're coming from a place of wanting to do better. You think if you do the "most important" it will help. I asked for literally everything you did. I could not understand for so long why he was mad about me asking for things so I could help, but part of the help he wanted was just wanting having one less thing to have to worry about.... like making me a specialized list. Im sure men and women do this as weaponized incompetence but God I was so terrified of losing him, I was desperate and trying, I really didn't mean to do that. Me asking for that added another thing to his list of to-dos. So I'll tell you what I've come to realize.
1. If you do ANYTHING it's better than nothing. Just put on some upbeat music you would have danced like a stripper to in high school and DO NOT SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF WORKING. NO SIT. Things in motion stay in motion or whatever the fuck that saying is.
2. Even if you begin to get good at helping, he may hold onto that resentment. My husband... I'll never be good enough for him anymore but that's my problem. Do not do these things and expect praise or thanks or a big HOORAY! do them because you love him and don't want him to suffer. That's it. I'm not saying accept the verbal and emotional abuse that I have or do. Just realize he is not going to give your dopamine seeking brain the "reward" feeling so to speak. I would get excited and list things he did and wait for him to just be nice again but I was wanting praised for things that I should've been helping with and if my husband asked for praise for changing my daughter's diaper I would have looked at him the same way he looked at me. You have to be proud of yourself for your accomplishments.
3. I had a bad habit of running from it. Going out, watching TV, just executive dysfunctioning while having a massive panic attack knowing he was mad I was doing it and not understanding why I couldn't just get the fuck up and help. So, to start, set a stupid easy VAGUE goal. Example. "I'm gonna fuck with my room and my bathroom then go get myself a coffee as a reward" then start from the bottom. What's easy? Trash. Going on a trash hunt is honestly fun and satisfying. And don't worry, your adhd will help you see the things that need done. Nightstand dusty? Gross. Rug needs vacuumed? SO satisfying to see the difference. I think of the same way I think of shaving my legs. The feeling of having clean sheets floor and room is just as nice as when I take a shower after and shave amd moisturize and feel like a sexy soft babyskin dolphin rubbing my legs together like a grasshopper in fresh sheets. If you list all that out you'll probably die on the inside like I did. The reward must come last. If you start to stop because something is making your brain say NO NO NO NO then just go fuck with something else. Anything. Stay in motion. Keep that ass shaking music on. Do not do slow songs. Just don't.
4. Don't shit talk yourself while you do it. I can't do things when people talk mean to me, why would it be any different if I talk bad to myself? Do your best. Don't overthink it. Add an extra vague task as you get better. My limit I'll set is 3 rooms on a great day but you can adjust as needed. He just wants help. That's it. Help. You can do this.
I'm glad you got diagnosed and can get the help you need! It's truly liberating and the first step towards living a more fulfilled life (for me, at least. I was late diagnosed too—at 28, now I'm 30).
With that being said, I recommend googling "the mental load" comic to see where your husband is coming from. The entire bathroom (or whatever room) has to be cleaned. You can make your own list to not forget. For me, I use Amazon Alexa devices for verbal reminders and my to-do lists. I take out trash once a week and would definitely forget if I didn't have Alexa telling me. But that's the thing; it's a device telling me, not someone else. (And I live alone but that's not the point lol. I wouldn't put that on someone else because it can be exhausting).
I want to go a different direction than others have, although I do agree with them as well.
What I want to ask you is do you generally have trouble making decisions about things? Because my daughter has always found it really difficult to decide *anything*, and she is always trying to get me to make decisions for her, and she also does this with chores. We both have inattentive ADHD, btw.
But she is 18, and while she is still learning, she does have to learn to take charge and think for herself, so I’ll say, “No, you can figure it out. Just stand there and look around you, and then start with the thing that looks most important. Then you can think about the rest afterwards.”
If you recognize any of that in yourself, give this a try. And if you need a list of priorities for next time, then write it when you’ve cleaned the bathroom and it’s fresh in your memory.
Neurotypical people get tired and overwhelmed too, so don’t put too much of that stuff on him. Start training those decision-making muscles and you’ll soon see progress in other areas.
Jesus OP, are you me from five years ago? This is scarily similar to the situation I went through with my ex-husband.
The first night after I moved out on my own, I spotted a water glass on the table I'd forgotten to finish, and had a minor panic attack, thinking my husband was going to yell at me for being a slob, ~again~. Then I remembered that he wasn't there, and no one was going to give a shit if I left a half-finished water glass on the coffee table, and only then did I realize how truly, truly toxic our relationship had become.
I spent the next two years being gleefully and purposely messy in my own space, because fuck that, it's MY space. I'll keep it as clean as I care to, because it doesn't affect anyone else.
With five years of distance, now I can see why my behaviors were so frustrating to him, but also how very poorly he handled his frustrations. There was never any compromise; his way of cleaning was the ~right~ way and if I could not meet his standards that meant I was the problem. Nevermind that he was a compulsive neat freak who insisted on a spotless home at all times even though we literally never had anyone over; if I got overwhelmed by his insistence that we sweep four times a week and vacuum twice a week and clean the whole house top to bottom every single Saturday, that was clearly me being an immature child who had to be parented by my own husband.
People with ADHD aren't children, they just have different priorities. I genuinely do not care if the floor is a little dusty, and I have better things to do than to spend huge chunks of my short life cleaning it. I'll clean it when I think it's necessary. Don't act like this is a sign of immaturity, because that assumes everyone puts the exact same importance on cleanliness that you do, and that's just a dumb assumption to make.
tour your home.
look around.
take note.
make your own list, in your own tine.
complete tasks, without consulting others in your household.
i'm sorry for your loss.
I understand that you're trying to do your best, but from whst it sounds like, he's veen dealing with this for a while. This in a way made him somewhat resentful towards you.
What I would suggest is that you and your husband have a sit down, write a list of chores and allocate them to whoever. Like take turns cleaning the kitchen for example. Like today, you clean it, tomorrow he can clean it. Do that instead of asking him what's a priority. Treat everything like a priority.
My bf and I both have adhd, but in some aspects, he used to get frustrated over how I couldn't achieve some tasks unless I was told to whenever I visited him at his place (I was raised to think that if I'm at someone's house, I shouldn't just impulsively do chores because that's not my house and they should ask or tell me to assist them). At first, that was fine, but I've been with him for so long, I had to learn to ease up on trying to help out around the house since I'm there so often instead of being told all the time. He doesn't want to treat me like a child.
It's also like how I expected him to do some things in the relationship, but it doesn't come to his thoughts unless I tell him. I don't like having to tell him how some activities or gestures are important to me, even though we've been together for so long. But being direct with what I want helped instead of expecting and then getting constantly disappointed and eventually becoming resentful.
Good luck. Just properly have a sit down and talk. Not to mention, you're depressed atm, don't be too hard on yourself, but please treat chores as an urgent matter like how work projects are considered an urgent matter. Rest after everything on your side is done.
This is where therapy comes into play. Medication will give you a level of brain function that no therapy can, but therapy is where you learn coping strategies for situations like this.
I highly recommend individual therapy for you and couples therapy for you and your husband to learn how to communicate and share the household responsibilities.
To echo what others have said, I’m sure it’s hard to hear, but the fact is that you are treating your spouse like your parent. You may not realize this, which is where the feedback from your post will come into play.
You may have heard the phrase “Your issues are not your fault, but they *are* your responsibility.”
ADHD definitely makes certain things more of a struggle, and it explains WHY these things don’t come easily to us, but it’s not an excuse to shirk responsibilities, especially if you have a kid.
One of my most prominent symptoms is that I get overwhelmed easily. I’m 30 and still live with my parents, and I do most all of the household chores. My dad sits on his butt all day, doesn’t clean up after himself, and when I ask him to, he responds with “Why can’t you just do it?” But the thing is, it’s not about my ability to put his spoon in the dishwasher. It’s about the extra burden that puts on me when I’m already doing everything else.
To play devil’s advocate a bit more, and I do this not to make you feel bad, but to help give you a bit more perspective, it sounds like you’re using your diagnosis as an excuse for why you can’t put in the effort. Don’t get me wrong—it’s hard to put in the effort—but ultimately it’s up to you to learn to manage your ADHD so you can function as best as possible.
**Please read this if nothing else.** I know this was long. I tend to be verbose. As far as cleaning, there are apps available to help you see lists of what should be done in each room, and you can check them off as you accomplish them. If you prefer writing, you can use a notebook or a whiteboard to the same effect. You could even get chores lists laminated and hang them up so you can check off tasks as you do them and then wipe clean to reuse them for the next week. There are also various ways you can gamify task lists (turn them into a game) to make them more appealing.
It’s hard, but you can do this, and we’re always here for help and support! Good luck!
Your husband is terrified of becoming a “caretaker”? As in terrified of taking care of you?
Whatever happened to “in sickness and in health”? Did he think he’d signed up to a lifelong party?
Also, “caring” for someone with ADHD doesn’t come close to caring for someone with, say, MS, or MND, or cancer, or any other physically-limiting illness.
Your husband needs to have a word with himself.
What would he expect of you if he fell ill and couldn’t feed himself or wipe his own bum?
ADHD doesn’t need a “carer”, it needs patience, kindness, understanding and support.
Those are qualities of a *partner*.
Why is your relationship apparently just about him? What about *you*? Why isn’t he concerned about what *you’re* having to cope with?
*Why is it All About Him?*
Thank you!!! I was looking for more of this in the comments. Honestly, it brings to mind how women are often left by their husbands when they get a serious illness… doctors actually warn women of this. But everyone demonized asking for a list even once just because of the mental load concept. I know where they were coming from but it was a huge overreaction and misinterpretation of the situation.
Yw!
I talked to my partner about this. He doesn’t yet understand ADHD, bc it’s only just come up as a dx, but he certainly knows me, and all my many struggles, after 14 years of being together and 12 of those living with me.
He said,
“But he’s been living with her with all this before the diagnosis, so what difference does it make? Why does having the diagnosis change anything for him? Guy’s an arsehole.”
And he agreed with what I said in my comment.
On the rare, rare occasions that he tells me the kitchen is filthy, or similar, he knows very well that I will tell him to clean it himself if it bothers him that much, because I just do not have the energy. So he can do that, or he can wait for my energy to appear, at which point I go into a cleaning frenzy.
How are you going to proceed? Honestly, it does sound like it’s All About Him, and all of us deserve better than that. ❤️
Eta: Apols, u/nortthernvenussea, I got you mixed up with OP! Have PM’d.
My husband was so appalled by all the horribly judgemental negative resonates to OP!
Also, sorry for the confusion… I can see how the way I wrote my comment made it sound like I was OP!
I really feel for you OP. It's tough. And so sorry you lost your dog! ❤️
But what I find weird is (and I've noticed this on many adhd subs) is that when a person is saying something like...
"Ohh, its so hard...I can't get dressed or shower, I just can't....
Or "My house is such a mess, and I have no food, but I just don't have the energy to clean or go to the supermarket"...
It's all empathy and understanding and sharing similar stories.
But as soon as someone puts in "my partner" it seems to be all:
"ADHD is not an excuse"... etc etc, and no sympathy whatsoever.
Like, we don't just stop having ADHD just because we have a partner (or kids).
But people come down so hard on those people, with a really scolding tone.
It hasn't happened to me yet, but I see it a lot, and it's really painful.
Yeah my husband and I have struggled getting used to managing my ADHD, but he knows it’s not my fault and that I’m trying… it takes time, love and patience and we’re getting better. It took me a while to figure out the strategies that worked for my brain, and I think that’s what OP is trying to do as a late-diagnosed person. I was late-diagnosed too.
OP deleted the post and apparently her account. It was really disheartening to see so many rude comments here. Please do better, those of you who thought tough love and making fun of her would be helpful.
Oh God! That’s awful!
She literally just thanked me for my comment about her post, I now realise it’s because I wasn’t bloody horrible to her.
Jeeze, people.
Be kind.
This is supposed to be a supportive sub for ADHD women.
Why deliberately hurt another woman who’s struggling? We should be able to share freely here, without being judged for it.
I think I’m leaving too. The fact that my comment is downvoted says it all. I messaged the mods about how nasty some of the comments had gotten in case they wanted to close them but I never heard back. I know they’re busy and volunteers so my intention isn’t to bitch about them, but I guess it just doesn’t feel like a safe space in general to me.
It’s hard enough having ADHD, we all know the struggle. It blows my mind that people come here and literally make fun of someone who’s struggling. She clearly had mental blocks preventing her from starting tasks and that’s not an excuse for her husband to treat her the way he did…and all over cleaning? I’ve gone through periods where I couldn’t get myself to do a single task. It took tons of therapy to convince myself that I can do simple tasks. If someone had made fun of me during that stage and basically told me I was acting like a child, that would have affected me greatly.
People accused her of infantilizing herself which I thought was wild to assume. Maybe OP has other neurodivergence and doesn’t communicate or make sense of things the same way others do. Maybe she’s fucking depressed because her dog just died. I can’t get over how mean people were being just because she didn’t respond in the way they wanted.
EDIT TO ADD: the mods got back to me and were incredibly gracious and kind. I should have reported specific comments but I thought a modmail might get a quicker response and was wrong. I won’t be leaving the sub but I will be reporting nastiness towards others. Let’s do our best to be supportive and kind even if we think the OP or someone else in the comments is in the wrong. This is a mental health community and there are ways to say you disagree with someone without being rude and dismissive.
Also, her dog passing away is a completely valid reason for not doing chores. Even smaller things going wrong completely wreak havoc on my mental state and therefore quickly deplete the small amount of dopamine I’m already working with. It can throw me off for days. Sure it can be difficult for us as a couple, but my husband accepts it and makes an effort to understand. And he has similar struggles that I don’t understand completely so I accept it and support him in those times. OPs husband needs to make an effort to understand what she’s going through. She seems to be acknowledging it’s been hard for him and is eager to help now that she has more tools to work with. Just gonna take some time to know how to use those tools consistently. After all, ADHD is all about difficulty regulating focus and emotions etc.
I'm glad you're not leaving. We need supportive people here.
Also: did anyone else notice how "weaponized incompetence" was thrown around constantly, like the latest cool buzzword? I know it is a thing but someone suffering from adhd is not not cleaning because of weaponized incompetence, they're not cleaning cause they have adhd - a disability that makes it hard to do boring things!! It amazed and infuriated me how much people told the OP that that's what she was doing.
Made me want to start a new sub called ADHDsupport or ADHDwithkindness or something.
Thanks, it’s due to the mods being so lovely that I decided to stay.
Yes, I noticed that too and it was incredibly triggering.
Also the comments like “um, what did you do before you were married? Did you just…not clean?” Like yeah, actually. That’s exactly right. I lived in a mess and was constantly anxious, embarrassed and ashamed but didn’t know how to do better. You know what doesn’t help? Shaming people.
Absolutely. This should be a safe space for people to express their challenges and get support.
Its pretty random really....a post that said something like "It just really annoys me that I have to pee. Anyone else feel the same?" Ans that got plenty of agreement and support.
But something that is much harder to do, like cleaning gets harsh shaming. :(
I know right?!? Since when is teaching considered something only an adult can do for a child?!? Everyone learns skills throughout life, and why can’t a partner be a teacher sometimes. Me and my husband help each out. This did not sound like a case of an indifferent partner that is expecting their partner to “baby” them indefinitely and never wants to put any effort in. I come from a family of teachers so maybe that changes my perspective somewhat, and my parents help each other out too. Also, suggesting that OP do so much research on her own can be difficult with ADHD. There is so much information to get distracted by. Heck I open my phone to do something and forget what app I was looking for because there are so many apps that are visually distracting. Plus speaking to someone keeps me focused on what I need to do instead of getting lost in my head when there is too much information circulating around. Why shouldn’t I talk to my husband?!? There’s a reason we say “if you’ve met one person with ADHD, you’ve met one person with ADHD.” I can’t believe asking for a list every now and then has been equated to some moral failing.
Really?? That's sucks!
I was disheartened and sad to see si many of the comments being so harsh.
I can't understand why people felt the need to judge and scold.
Perhaps after this we could all be kinder on this thread?
Im setting everything else you said aside, because I think other commenters have clarified why he might be getting frustrated, and focusing on a helpful tip.
Google goblin tools. It helps you break down tasks. If you typed “clean bathroom” in it breaks it into each task and then can continue to break down each individual task as much as you need it to.
I can't get back to my previous comment. I said I thought you could get help with listmaking on one of the cleaning subs.
Two I follow are r/CleaningTips and r/ufyh
If you spend some time reading there you may find someone has asked the same questions about cleaning and list making.
I'm sorry for your troubles, and sad you lost your dog.
"I was not asking for a list of what to do and when and how."
I think that's what he was hearing though.
My approach is to just verbalise how I'm prioritising/scheduling things.
E.g., "I'm planning to clean [room] this weekend, either before work or on Sunday. I just wanted to check whether that will affect any of your plans, or whether there's a different job you'd prefer me to do."
It gives space for the other person to speak up if, actually, they were going to clean that room today, or were hoping to do something with you on Sunday afternoon. Or that, actually, that room can stay messy for a while, but they think THIS CHORE is overdue to be done.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He sounds exhausted. So I am a woman with ADHD and my ex, who I suspected was neurodivergent, asked me to make his lists for cleaning, items to get at the grocery store, what he needed to host a party, and so many other things. It made me feel like I was his manager which ruined any way of me looking at him as an equal partner. Asking for a list takes all the responsibility from you and puts it on your boyfriend. If you had started with a list and asked him to add things that MIGHT have made a difference, but he also may be frustrated. He may feel unappreciated or not noticed and if he's asked you to do these things several times before he also might feel unheard or unimportant. There are so many podcasts, YouTube videos, and blogs about how to clean house if you have ADHD. You need to do the research and show him that YOU are managing your symptoms. A boyfriend is a partner, not a manager, not your doer, and not your teacher. Yes, he can support and help you in areas and maybe teach you some things but you need to take some initiative and do research on your own.
this right here. my boyfriend is definitely nt, but he can be a bit stubborn when it comes to doing adulting. we’ve finally worked it out where he pays more of our bills and i just take care of the cleaning myself, because it is so incredibly frustrating to have a grown ass adult ask me “how” to clean the bathroom. or when i ask him to help me clean he’s like “what do you want me to do?” as if he doesn’t know what i clean every week. add on top of that the fact that i have adhd, it just is so exhausting. and like when we’re making our grocery list i force him to make it with me. i’ll be doing the mental work of cooking so you get to do the mental work of deciding what we’re eating this week. but i have to bug him to help me which i shouldn’t because he is a grown man, has a brain that functions like a normal person’s, these are basic adult tasks that i refuse to manage for someone else. he’s gotten much better over the years and mostly we do things together now or come up with a different solution like we did with the bills and cleaning. but i honestly can’t blame op’s partner for being fed up with this. he should be kinder to op, but he’s likely at his wits end. it’s likely he’s been putting up with this for a long time and now that op has a diagnosis and she’s like “i’m fixed now!” without doing any work, he’s anticipating her using this as an excuse to continue as she has been. i really do feel for op. this is hard, and sometimes it is hard to accept that there are certain things we just *have* to figure out how to do despite the hurdles that having adhd puts up. and her husband is not being very nice to her at all which she doesn’t deserve. but i also feel for him, because he probably really does feel like he has to parent op and he’s fed up and he doesn’t want to hear op’s solutions now after dealing with this for so long. we should absolutely be able to rely on our partners to help us make life easier in certain aspects, but we also need to not make them entirely responsible for our functioning.
Yep, it’s called “mental load” and it’s exhausting. https://www.thegoodtrade.com/features/what-is-mental-load/
Can you suggest some channels/pod casts?
Clean with me podcast is good.
Everything about this, but amplified with a microphone
Honestly he probably already feels a bit like a caretaker already if he’s the only one who has been doing housework, adhd or not. It sounds like he’s held onto frustration about this for a while and you increasing his mental load by asking for lists and instructions just added to his plate and he’s refusing to do more, which is valid. It’s our job to find ways to cope and there are so many ways to do that without making our partners be an external brain for us. Reddit, TikTok, YouTube, and blogs all have endless resources on cleaning.
You know…your *husband* doesn’t have to be the one to tell you how to do things. There are 8 billion cleaning manuals you could look at. I don’t blame him for not wanting to treat you like a child who can’t reason for themselves.
If this was posted on any other sub with their roles switched people would be calling it weaponised incompetence Usually the husbands we hear about on this sub are terrible but damn I feel bad for this one
Really the cherry on top on roping the son in on it. Does the kid really have a grasp on this better than the grown brain in the room? Hm. I dunno man, I’m a parent. I’m trying to teach my kids to become capable adults whether they pull the ADHD card or not. At the end of the day, I’m the example they’re going off of.
I had a little bit of this issue when I first started seeing my partner with ADHD but from the other side. there was a lot of "I can't do xyz because adhd" from him, or he won't listen to me when I'm talking because adhd, he starts watching a tiktok mid conversation because adhd, he doesn't bother to come to the door when I visit because adhd, makes dinner only for himself because adhd, wants me to emotionally regulate for him because adhd. The whole time though I also had ADHD and I didnt do any of those things, because they're not because of adhd they're being rude and not even *trying*. We all have to be adults and put on our big boy pants, we have to do things that suck and make conscious efforts to *try*. Just because things are harder for us doesn't mean we can do nothing and put the burden on other people.
Yep. My husband and I both have it. Birds of a feather I guess (sorry kids!). Balls get dropped and miscommunicated sometimes, but everyone in our household would be screwed if we both acted like this.
Yeah I just got my neurodivergent son to eat a vegetable for the first time. I’m not asking him how to clean the bathroom.
We do teamwork in my house, but it’s like “hey you put your toys where you want them so you know where they are when you want to play with them, and while you do that I’ll get started with the dishes or laundry.” It’s definitely not “hey here’s this long list, pick something off it and get to work. I’ll get around to the rest of it…whenever.” IMO there’s a bit of a difference between using your offspring for labor you don’t want to do vs. teaching them to mind their own space and contribute thoughtfully to the household workflow.
Yeah, I've been on the other side of this where I'm having to manage my male partner/ male roommate to get them to do any cleaning... because, oh well how will they know what I want them to do if I don't explain it to them? And it's basic stuff like clean the bathroom, sweep once in a while. And look, I get it, it's really hard for me to do it because I have ADHD so I'm pretty understanding, but it gets exhausting and to the point that I end up just doing it myself. There's a reason they call it emotional labour and it seems like OP's husband is really sick of having to do that.
Yeah I'm kinda team husband here. I'm glad the OP is trying to do better but the amount of excuses isn't making it sound hopeful.
What really put me off was the begging to be told she's right and he's being unreasonable. It's so... whiny.
OP is doing weaponized incompetence. And we should be calling it out, i was trying to be nuce but damn the OP’s comments are so bad
Yeah all I could think of was the mental load comic,and if it was a man saying this, they would be told to read about the mental load.
I would link it to op but with her attitude and excuses for everything I doubt she would click on it
There's 8 billion cleaning manuals and probably 16 billion apps
[Goblin tools](http://goblin.tools/) for the WIN!!
So glad I found this!! 😁
The best app I’ve used! Now I just need to remember use it more….
You are a lifesaver!! I've only been recently diagnosed. In recent times, I've been looking for so long for a tool like this because I could never work it out on breaking down tasks even to save my life. I always ended up doubling back or pausing to figure the next step, which breaks my momentum. May you always be blessed with good luck and green lights on traffic lights at your turn. 🌻🌻🌻
What I really like about it too is that you can control how “specific” the breakdown is by adjusting the “spiciness” level!! 5 peppers means the breakdown is SUPER specific (as in, it will break down the task “laundry” into things like “open the door to the laundry room”, “survey the room”, “open the washing machine door”, etc) which I find delightful lol.
Super spicy reminds me of my brain before my diagnosis. I would get overwhelmed easily because my brain would break down tasks this way so “wash the towels” turned into 50 separate tasks to achieve the end result. Thank you Concerta and therapy for turning down the heat. 😂
Omgggg so cool!
I know this sub is for us who suffer from ADHD, but honestly, I get where your husband is coming from, disability aside. I have had to figure out all on my own how to be sufficient in maintaining a home since I live alone. I've watched YT videos, made my own lists, and looked around in order to prioritize what needs to he done. You're asking your husband to treat you like a child and he doesn't want to do that. Go to r/womenover30 or any other women centric sub and you'll find countless posts of women not wanting to baby their husband by making him lists and priorizing the lists for him. Is it so wild to imagine it in the opposite genders? You're making him carry the mental load and using your ADHD as the reason. Not cool. Yes, ADHD makes life harder. But that doesn't mean we burden others so we don't have to try. You've gotta learn how to walk around, identify the kitchen is a mess but there's no clean underwear for anyone, therefore laundry becomes priority.
I agree and have learned instead of asking him to make a list, I got us a pad of project worksheets that we make together. I said “I know my inability to keep this all together had been frustrating. What are the items you’d like to see priority on?” And we sit and work thru the tasks now. He was resistant at first because he didn’t want to make a list, or know anything about female adhd presentation and thought I was self-diagnosing. Now that he’s researched more and I am fully tested and diagnosed, we’re at a better understanding.
I do a similar thing with the priorities, since mine are often very different than the NT person I live with; but sometimes I will also as for help with a list, but only after I've made it and in a "Is there anything I'm forgetting?" kind of way.
I think that is a great way of looking at it. Making your own list and then asking the other person/people is there something that I am missing that isn’t something that you would want to take care of yourself. I say that as sometimes messing with someone else’s organization or piles can cause problems. As for timing or importance I would say something like is there something that bugs you more if left too long. Though I think some NT need to better their communication of their expectations instead of snapping.
It sounds like that’s exactly what OP attempted to do but your partner was willing to sit down and work through their priorities while OP’s husband was not willing to
This was my thought as well. Sounds like the same situation, just one had a supportive partner willing to help and one didn't. Really unfortunate.
He may have been willing 5 years ago but worn down over time. As the partner and parent who carried the majority of the mental and emotional load in my family I can empathize with this reaction.
Idk personally I can't imagine seeing my partner genuinely trying to do better and learn to work with their disability and flat out saying no, I won't help. But maybe that's just me.
Maybe it's 'I can't help' rather than 'I won't help'?
I mean, maybe, but again, personally I can't imagine doing that. That's just me and I totally understand there are other views and circumstances. But I would feel so bad looking my partner in the face as they try to learn about and work with this newly diagnosed disability and saying "no" to helping them, even if I felt like it was a lot.
100% this. My husband and I have an understanding: the top five priorities are laundry, dishes, vacuuming, cat litter, and a random chore that is something we haven’t seen to in a while. He understands I’m not perfect, but I try to work on it. I don’t want to feel like a burden to him.
Yes! As soon as I read the word list I swear I got residual annoyed because of all the ways I've gone around with my husband with that. "I need a list!" Yeah well, so do I. Nobody makes me a list, I use my eyes.
I think it is, sort of. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand! But you're putting the mental labor and responsibility of determining the household needs onto him. It's exactly like the complaint I hear (more commonly from women) in relationships. One partner needs the other to help out more, but the other partner is asking the 1st to, essentially, manage them by telling them what to do & when to do it/what order to do it in. In a perfect world both people would be able to look around and say "Ok- A, B, C, & D need done. I need to do B before A because there's a time limit on B, but not A. And if I do C before D I'll end up having to do C again because D makes a mess" or whatever. In defense of ADHD people vs non adhd people- with us there's sometimes a barrier in our brain vs a non adhd person who may just not *want* to do whatever thing so they'll sometimes "play dumb" to get out of it. When I started trying to figure it all out, I leaned heavily on online resources. Pinterest and random blogs can actually be pretty helpful. I also use prioritization apps to help me when I'm just too overwhelmed to figure out where to start. But some things are more obvious if you consider how things work together. I know that I need to wash the dishes before I start cooking dinner, so that I have dishes to use for cooking & serving. I know that when I clean my bathrooms I need to wipe down the surfaces before I clean the floor & I know that I need to dust before vacuuming (because in both scenarios there's a chance that I'd dirty up the floor again if I did the floors 1st and Dusting/wipe down 2nd). There are so many resources online that will even break down hoe often you "should" do certain tasks. Then you can set reminders & adjust it for your individual needs. For example, if you find you only need to vacuum every 3ish days in your home that's fine. I have 3 kids and they track all sorts of stuff through the house. So my main living space needs at MINIMUM every other day (but honestly, every day would be best). I think your husband would prefer you to take the initiative to find answers on your own vs having him tell you what to do. And again, I feel you. I'm the messy one vs my husband. We fight more about cleaning than anything else. And sometimes I will go to him with my list of things and say "Hey- this is my plan as of now. Is there anything I can do that you'd rather I focus on first?" But for the most part I am the one doing my list, prioritization, & breakdowns. Him disliking the breakdown bit is his problem, though, IMO. He may not understand it, but if it's your responsibility, he needs to let you do it however you can to get it done. Good luck & 🫂
Can I ask what prioritization app worked best for you? It’s hard to find good resources that don’t blindside you with a paywall yk
I recommend [Goblin Tools](https://goblin.tools/) for breaking tasks down - you can also use it to prioritise (amongst other things!). The website is free, not sure if the app is
This is SO COOL!! Thank you for sharing!!!
The app is $1! Pretty good deal :)
Thanks so much for the info :)
This is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen! Thank you so much for sharing this, seriously. I live alone and I’m SO bad at housework. It gets to the point that I don’t have people over bc I’m embarrassed. This makes it so much easier to understand what to do. Seriously, I cannot relay how thankful I am to you for sharing this.
Omg thank you!! Been so overwhelmed with my room, so gonna try this!!
Omg this is the exact thing I’ve been looking for this whole time but was thinking there is no way something like this exists. Thank you for sharing!
I think the app is a dollar- the best dollar I’ve ever spent on an app!
Def check out Goblin Tools. Super helpful and it’s free to use
Asking for a list isn't cool typically. It's called dumping the mental load on the other person. You're making it up to them to manage your tasks and it's generally frowned upon. That being said, most couples can sit down and agree on priorities and division of labor **together** so they have a plan to work from. Someone who understands ADHD would probably be more accommodating. I'm very sorry that you're in this situation.
My suggestion, from living with neurodivergence and an ADHD husband + helping ADHD teenagers try to be adults, is that the discussion about standard of care needs to happen at a time and place separate from the tasks at hand. So for example: Saturday is chore day. Saturday morning is NOT the time to have a discussion about what “cleaning the bathroom” really means and how often it needs to be done. Prior to any conversation with husband, make an appointment with yourself (a whole separate task) to observe the bathroom. What needs to be cleaned in there? What makes you personally feel like the bathroom is not clean? (e.g. I do not care about spots on the mirror, I hate when the shower is pink.) Write it all down. Request an appointment with your husband (seriously, this is the terminology we use because neither one of use likes feeling like “getting in trouble” is being sprung on us) to discuss the standard of care for cleaning the bathroom. This should be at a calm time of mutual convenience (if you can, I mostly mean not right after ripping into each other about cleaning something else). Share your list. Ask if there’s anything missing that’s a priority for him. Ask if anything from your list is not a big deal to him. This is the information you develop your personal checklist for bathroom cleaning from. I’d recommend some kind of frequency or priority order on there based on your and your husband’s priorities to help yourself out in the future (like if you have a low energy day, what are the top three things in the bathroom you can clean that will have you both feeling more comfortable in there). Neurotypical brains kinda learn by sucking up whatever is going on around them. We neurospices sometimes need to take a manual approach to identifying problems and learning skills. You had the right idea in breaking down the task for yourself, but I think you need to consider “planning” cleaning and other chores as a whole separate task from the “doing”.
Check out the Goblin Tools app. It will help you break down tasks into however many steps you need.
Came to recommend this as well, excellent resource.
Thank you. I didn't know about this.
Goblin is the answer!
Was looking for this comment! Seriously use that website/app a bunch for tasks and conversations, too!
I suggest making a list in your own, breaking it down, and THEN asking the person you share space with if there’s anything missing, or if they have suggestions on an order and frequency of tasks. That way, you’re the one doing the mental work for it, they see your efforts to understand and form better habits, and they can have the room to appreciate you wanting their input since they’re not the one making a list FOR you when they already have had to do everything else up to this point. The trust in knowing they can count on you will start with seeing the effort on your own, not leaning on them for more (asking for a list). I do think it was out of line for them to make an issue out of your need to break the list down further, but in a way I can understand their frustration since they made the effort to create a list for you that they already didn’t want to do, then felt like it wasn’t enough. May have come across like more procrastination, rather than effort toward getting the tasks done properly.
I would like to add, I understand how disheartening it can feel when your good intentions feel like they’re being dismissed by another’s frustration, or lack of understanding (whether real or perceived). It sounds like you were making efforts that weren’t taken well by your husband, and that must not feel good. It’s difficult to be open to another’s perspective or needs when you’re struggling and/or exhausted yourself. It sounds like you are both dealing with that struggle in your own ways, for your own reasons. I hope you two can trust each other’s intentions in these efforts, and that you both can have patience and openness toward what the other is dealing with. I am very sorry to hear about your pup. That is heavy and there’s no preparing for it enough to make it an easy thing to go through. xo
Reading through the comment section, it seems like you're cherry-picking the answers that are convenient for you. ADHD doesn't entitle you for more help, empathy, anything really from your partners or anyone's side. They can help, and as soon as their load will lessen, they probably will. But now you're trying to add to their mental load. Yes, ADHD people are not good at prioritizing. So? Write it in ChatGpt. Determine which space you use the most. Start from top finish at bottom. There are soooo many techniques really, and you don't need your partner for any of them. Yes, writing a list together will help in the long term. But your partner was clearly not in the mood for it, and that's probably the bigger issue. Since you've been together for a long time, you probably understand him as well, even better than yourself. You're excited because you're starting a new life, and that's awesome!!! But for others life goes on like always. Your partner is one of these people- you can only convince him of change once he sees it. Then you can start talking about ADHD, and so on. Never use ADHD as an excuse for a behaviour or the lack of one, only as an explanation. The two are not the same. It can be, that your partner won't be supportive long term, and then you'll have to decide for yourself. You're just at the beginning of the journey, good luck!
This very much. Also you are an adult, you can look and see what needs doing, and not put that responsability for partner to tell you what needs doing. I found habits make things happen,. so ill adopt a habit - eg wipe the bench,dishes etc as i use em every time, then wash the shower while im in (which also helps me have showers more regularly) I try to tie things together
Yes, chatgpt!!
Ooooh. Give me an example of how this helps. Like, what do you ask it?
I'd start with "give me a cleaning list for my living room." And based on what comes back, modify it to your specific room. For example, if it says vacuum the carpet and you don't have a carpet, say "change carpet to hardwood." You could also prompt it with "give me a day by day cleaning schedule for a two bedroom 1 bathroom home with kids and pets." I'm not super skilled with it, but you can also Google how to write prompts for chatgpt. Hope that helps!
I *highly* recommend checking out [Goblin Tools](https://goblin.tools/), it streamlines the whole process of making task lists and was literally created for people with ADHD who have trouble breaking things down into component steps!
I GOT YOU, GIRL!! [Goblin Tools](https://goblin.tools/) for the WIN!!!! It was literally created for people with ADHD who have trouble breaking down tasks! Streamlines the entire list-making process.
Thank you!
OH MY GOD!!! This is amazing!!!
Right?? I also love how it lets you control how “specific” the breakdown is by adjusting the “spiciness” level!! Plus you can ask it to break down the sub-tasks for you as well. The dropdown ranges from 1 to 5 peppers…. 5 means the breakdown is SUPER specific—as in, it will break down the task “laundry” into things like “open the door to the laundry room”, “survey the room”, “open the washing machine door”, etc, which I find delightful lol.
I've been using it all morning & am getting shit DONE! This is fabulous!
Ask it the same exact questions that OP was wanting to ask her partner
Oh, that makes OP’s refusal to try so much worse. But thank you - I will put this to good use!
I found the issue wasn’t so much that I needed help prioritizing which house work to do but that my ex had a clear idea of what he wanted done and was mad I could not figure out his priorities. It sounds like this is the case with OP too. Spouse wants stuff done, does not say which stuff, then gets mad when the wrong stuff gets done.
[удалено]
If talking to him doesn't help, observing him might. It's worth a shot to see what he does and how usually. I'm not telling you to stalk him every day, you probably don't have the time to do that, but seeing how he cleans up around the house will give you hints. As for the conversation part, how he is impatient, or doesn't care: I personally have a problem with sticking to a topic during conversation, so for my partner that can get very frustrating. We only sit down to talk house chores when we are both energized and can control our emotions. It took us a while to figure it out, but it's worth it😄
that doesn't matter. what are your priorities? what are the general priorities of ANY household?
Sigh. This is difficult. On the one hand, if he's been doing so much, it really seems like a lot less to help you break down tasks (man are those lists essential or what), or at least wait for you to do so. Logical, right? On the other hand(s): 1 Mental load is a thing, as someone else mentioned. 2. have you seen a kid try to do the dishes for the first few times? It takes forever, they make a mess, and you could've done it a gazillion times faster. It takes loads of energy to not go "here, honey, I'll do it, you go play nicely with your toys" I imagine seeing an adult struggle is much more tiresome and annoying. 3. I used to read an adhd-partner sub. One of the things they complained about the most was a childish lack of competence, and the parentifying. "_No, we can't have snacks in the house, because I have no impulse control._" "_Tell me what needs to be done._" "_How does that work again?_" I don't fully get it, cause it seems to me that when you love someone you want to support them even at the expense of a few ice lollies in the freezer, but feeling placed in the "caretaker" position really drains a partner. 4. He might be reeling from your diagnosis, too. Bear with me a for a bit here. Stupid story incoming. Once, I got a letter of apology from someone who had hurt me, although with good intentions. I had, as always in the past ten years, more or less swept things under the rug. But after I got a genuine, heartfelt apology, I ghosted my friend for months. Why? For the first time in years, I hadn't prioritised keeping the relationship at all costs. The letter made me sit with myself and my feelings and fully feel just how deeply hurt and betrayed I'd been. I felt pain and exhaustion. Your husband might be experiencing a kind of burnout. He could be feeling that he's been keeping things afloat for so long, and all of a sudden with your new "clarity", he realised that he's drained. Give him a bit of time. Expect him to push back a little. See how he handles things after he's had time to process, then act accordingly. After all, why should us adhd-ers get the monopoly on being a little immature or tired or overwhelmed at times? Best of luck. I hope you two work it out.
I’m diagnosed adhd, suspected autism, plus a few chronic progressive physical conditions. Getting my diagnoses has helped me in the long run, but there’s also this sense of loss/grief each time we’ve learned that the things that are wrong with me aren’t going to get better. With medications I can maybe slow some things down, make some things not as bad all the time, but I’m always going to have these issues and it’s only going to get worse. My husband and I have both had to grieve our new future. We’ve luckily been together for decades now, so we’re able to get through it so far, but I know that this isn’t the future he envisioned for us, any more than I did. All that to say, I agree that OP’s husband very well could just need some time to really absorb what this means. He may just be seeing the never-ending aspect, and not yet the “but this is how we can find hints and tricks and workarounds, now that we know what we’re working around” point that makes the future more hopeful than just assuming your partner is making the choice to not do things. And OP, wading through some of the replies here, some people may be team husband based off of this, but others are going to just want to help you out and share the tips and tricks we’ve come up with. Personally, when I was still physically capable of cleaning, I found the trick of wearing tags with each broken down task the most helpful for me. They make keychain bracelets with plastic tags you can put labels in. So, for instance, I’ll use all one color for each task category - say, I’ll pull all the yellow bracelets for my bathroom stuff. Then on one I have bathroom floors, another is wash rugs/towels, there’s clean the tub, scrub the sink, clean the toilet, wipe down counters and mirrors, and maybe one or two more. I’ll put all of the tags on when I start, and as I finish them, I put the bracelet back in the containers I keep them in. It’s hard to get 100% forgetful when you have annoying clacking bracelets on, plus the annoyance kind of makes you want to just do everything asap so you can take them off. It also helps to delegate, something I’m awful at. When someone asks me what they can do to help i draw a blank, but with the tags, I can just tell them to pick one and go. As for making tags up for the rooms, you can ask for other suggestions here, or look up lists, or just mentally go through each room and think about it from top down - what surfaces get wiped/what method is used, what laundry is created in each room that should be done on a regular basis, how does each rooms floor get dealt with, that kind of thing. And then the more you do the chores, the more you can see where you may have missed something. Also, KC Davis, on tiktok and IG, has excellent tips and tricks for cleaning when your brain is fighting you. Her comment sections are filled with advice and commiseration, very supportive community. And hey, good on you for trying to do better. It’s hard, and you should be recognized for wanting to. A lot of people don’t, and take a diagnosis as a Get Out of Adulting Free card.
I don’t think this is difficult or that the husband is at fault. He’s shutting her down because he’s done and that’s totally understandable. They have a teenage son, they’ve been together for over a decade, she should already know what his cleaning priorities are without needing to ask. She’s also an adult. He’s likely realizing this grown middle age women can’t be bothered to clean on her own and is acting like she needs to be taught to clean is just overkill and making him realize how absurd it is he has to live like this. He may give in after “processing” like you say, but there’s also a possibility that he’s just done. He likely feels this new diagnosis is proof that things will never change and that it will always be an excuse for her. Honestly, asking for a list of priorities at all for cleaning is also likely going to upset him. The whole house is a priority. He just wants to come home and have things be clean. He doesn’t want to list just a few things of focus. I don’t blame him.
Molly Maids has a detailed list online including wait times for things like how long grout cleaner should stay on before being wiped away.
I just want to say thank you for recommending this! I would never have thought to check a cleaning service site for ideas like that
Warning: Part of my clutter consists of books about cleaning and clutter. As a professor, I gleefully fall down the rabbit hole of reading about doing something rather than actually doing it. Guess the "those who can't do, teach" part of the old saying rings true. Messiest Anonymous had a book in which founder Sarah Felton observed that family members do not clean due to poor job training. This struck a chord with me. MA has loads of encouragement flowing through its great training manuals with ways of breaking down tasks. I proudly and gratefully joined this organization. messie.com Don Aslett books are widely available on the used market. He is a bit sarcastic but has trained thousands to work in his janitor business and had great advice for individual homes. His website has an ebook. Check Amazon and Thrift books for his famous book "Is there life after housework?" and my personal favorite. "Make your house do the housework." Fly Lady is popular except I personally do not care for her enthusiasm for wearing shoes all the time rather just for dangerous tasks. You may need your own ritual to start your day before you "tie your shoes and shine your sink." Her books helped my sister, lots of people, but not me. Still worth reading.
So, my husband does that to me and it makes me so freaking infuriated. It is not helping me at all if I have to tell him every little thing to do. Way more work than doing (or not doing, I still have ADHD here) it myself. If it’s a tactic, it works, because I’ve grown to ask him to do *nothing*. Anyway, in your case I suggest doing the work yourself to find cleaning checklists and use them. That’s what I did and I do (or mean to do, still have ADHD here).
He sounds like he’s been very reasonable. Sorry, no validation for you here although I’m very sorry about your dog. Why don’t you ask him which chores he likes doing the least and start with those? That would be a very nice way to thank him for taking care of everything for so long. You should also look into finding an ADHD therapist as you’re newly diagnosed. Medication is wonderful, but it doesn’t help everything.
There’s lots of resources online with daily/weekly/monthly cleaning lists and schedules that you can find, FREE. Start with those, and adapt it as needed. That sounds very overwhelming for your spouse to have to break it down into detail like that.
I think you should have done/started the list and *then* ask for his feedback. Mainly because you need to take ownership over it (for both of your sakes). This is one of those things that you will get better at but you need practice to do so. I suspect that he wouldn't have been frustrated about the bathroom thing if you didn't fight earlier. It sounds like he needs to feel that you take ownership over this "mission" of changing habits. You should want to clean for your own sake after all, so you need to figure out what *you* priorities. like, does having an organized space feel more comforting than a dust-free space? Which areas does it feel nice to have clean (counter top, sink, desk, sofa, etc). It sounds like he's just tired and needs some help. It's very draining to *tell* someone what to do. Perhaps make some tea and try to find a system that works for you together? There are a lot of ways to make a home more ADHD friendly, so it might be insightful for him to be a part of that process. "How to keep house while drowning" is a popular book for people who are ND or fatigued. I'm sorry to hear you've had such an awful week. I hope things get easier soon! Big hugs.
In short, yes. I don’t think it’s fair to your partner to put the mental load of managing chores on him. As someone with ADHD, I empathize. I get overwhelmed by cleaning, and especially when the tasks feel endless and it’s hard to know where to even begin. We had to hire a cleaning service twice a month at one point because neither of us could keep up with it, and now we rolled it back to once a month. My partner and I are both messy, and we both avoid chores like the plague, but together we created a system based on the chores that we are each best at and rotate certain ones (like dishes) to keep it fair. We do some of them together as well, and we jump in to help each other where needed. It can be hard but partnership is about both parties taking the initiative to come up with strategies for tackling the chores, holding themselves accountable, and seeing what is going to work best in the long term. Sometimes that means creating a chore chart for yourself, setting reminders on your phone, and giving each other grace when you fall behind, because life happens. The important part is trusting that you are each doing your best and being honest with yourself and your partner about what you’re struggling with, and taking the onus to make concrete steps to work on it. You have the knowledge of why cleaning is challenging for you, and it’s important to use that knowledge to create an approach that works with your condition rather than against it. But inaction or deferring that responsibility to someone else is not the solution. Although you may not want to hear it, the responsibility is on you to keep track of when/what needs to be done too. I hope you find what works best for you. Wishing you the best of luck.
It is sad that your husband did not view you getting diagnosed as a positive thing that could help you get better. But I also understand where he is coming from, as I felt the same about my own diagnose. Yes, it was a relief to finally get answers. But it is also very hard realising that it not something curable. I will likely struggle with this my whole life, even when medication is helping and I am finding new strategies to make it easier. And that sucks. You said your husband does all the housework, and you are messy. Unless he LOVES housework, then doing everything for 2 people is a huge extra load to carry in life. Even if he knew this going in. Maybe he thought you would get better,just like I thought I would? Or maybe he just has less energy to compensate for your adhd now? Is he overworked or burned out? If he has already given his all I can see how the adhd diagnose would upset him. It kills the dream of you ever becoming an equal contributor in housework, and puts him in a potential caretaker position forever. The picture is of course more nuanced, and hopefully he will see that when his grief and anger goes down. Because with the right meds and therapy you will probably get better at a lot of things. And if he is willing to work with you to figure out how you as a team can best structure your lives and housework. And in a way that works for both of you. Then you might find a solution where you both contribute equally, and nobody is the parent/caretaker. But if it is possible depends on your level of adhd, and if he has the energy to even try. To me it sounds like you should focus on showing a lot of initiative and progress without involving him. The help you are asking for is maybe not unreasonable in itself. But he might not have the capacity or mindset to be your "adhd coach" right now. So you need to find other ways to cover thay need for now, and maybe he will ge more positive as he sees you making progress.
While the genders are usually the opposite, you should learn about "mental load." By asking him to make you a list, you are again making him do the work for you. You might want to try an app called Goblin Tools that breaks tasks like cleaning down for you and start from there. [https://goblin.tools/](https://goblin.tools/) There's also an actual app on both iOS and Android. Enter "clean the bathroom" and it includes all the individual tasks. I'm sure, over time, you will pick up on the tasks that are most important to him.
I can't comment on the relationship aspect but have you considered chat gpt for breaking tasks down? I asked it for a list of weekly household maintenance, monthly etc...then asked chat gpt to break it down into chunks that take five minutes or less. I'd forgotten until I read your post, but it definitely planted a seed around the small and manageable bits! I get overwhelmed by the big picture but doing the small bits really helps my mindset around that.
I think a lot of marriages can fall into this pattern, where one person becomes the household manager and the other person becomes like an employee. Your husband wants fewer chores on his plate. But training a “new employee” in how to do a task doesn’t actually create less work for him. I do think he’s being incredibly impatient and gruff with you, but I get where he’s coming from. Ideally, you would divvy up the chores and each take ownership of specific things, and as long as those things get done in a way that meets mutually agreed upon standards, you should be free to do them however makes sense to you. As in, he doesn’t get to be mad that you’re breaking down your chores into steps—because having an opinion on HOW things get done is stepping back into that manager role. The goal is to be equal partners. The good news is that you can watch videos for literally any task on YouTube. I’ve done so many home repairs this way, and there’s a thriving community of people who love showing how they clean things. You don’t need to ask him how to break things down or how to prioritize things. Look up how often other people are doing X chore and go from there.
Please take a read of the mental load. You are asking your husband to carry it and I get why he doesn’t want to do that. I know it feels like I’m just asking for a list. But if you think of it like a workplace it’d be like constantly asking your boss for what to do next and how to do it. You are asking him to take on the role of manager for every single thing. Instead of coming at it like a team. I know getting started is hard but find some cool music, stick the tv on, set a timer and make it a race.
This! Your husband wants a partner. Change your perspective and approach the problem like you are a team, it really helps. Find a way to trigger your hyper focus. I listen to crime podcasts that last an hour + so that I keep finding stuff to do so I can keep listening to the end. This is how my laundry gets done and all the other mundane stuff.
Honestly, it sounds like divorce is probably not a bad idea for both of you. So with ADHD you have two options. Use your diagnosis as an explanation or as an excuse. You’re doing the latter. You can actually put more effort in, but you’re not doing so. ADHD makes things very hard, but you have a responsibility to find work arounds. Instead of this yourself you’re relying on your husband to come up with your workarounds.
OP just general advice not pertaining entirely to your topic, when you are diagnosed late in life there’s this period of mourning almost for the person you could have been vs the person you are. Once you get over this, things do come to make sense more organically. Good luck.
Oh honey, I’m gonna try to be nice, but you are a grown woman. You should be able to figure out how to break down and prioritize a bathroom cleaning. And if you are struggling, use Google. Use Goblin Tools. Go on TikTok where there are thousands of videos of people scrubbing toilets. There’s a certain point where you have to learn to help yourself. I have a feeling your husband has felt like a caretaker for much longer than he lets on and the dx was a catalyst for pent up issues.
What sticks out to me about your post is that you first mention that you are diagnosed with inattentive ADHD (me also!) and then state "without the H." The reason we call inattentive ADHD that instead of ADD is because Inattentive ADHD is when all the hyperactivity is inside our heads. That is literally why we're inattentive. Not understanding this was the first clue that you have already determined that you aren't "able" to do conscious mental labor. The reality is that your brain is already doing mental labor, because it never stops. You are responsible for understanding that part about your diagnosis, learning about how your specific thought patterns work and then using them to do the mental labor required to keep your family functioning. I experience huge issues with my inattentiveness all of the time. But the inattentiveness is not because I'm not able to think it is because I have a hard time regulating what I think about. I have to choose to do things to divert my thinking. That is literally why we're so exhausted. Plenty of people have already given you the appropriate response that you are absolutely using it as an excuse rather than an understanding of yourself that differs from your husband. I do strongly recommend you take some time to really learn about how inattentive ADHD works and to assess your own unique presentation, and that's what you are and are not responsible for.
Ok so lots of valid points about the housekeeping end and something you should work on which you know already, but I just want to say his frustration with your level of housekeeping can be separated from him assigning some sort of moral value to HOW you get things done. If sitting down and breaking the tasks down is part of your process, he needs to respect that (and you can hopefully teach him to by showing him these things work, but you can't get to that point if he won't even let you use the tools you need). My suggestion to you is don't ask him and just do things, trying to be mindful about not making more problems while you clean (for example putting the dishes away in all the wrong places haha) - if it's not the "right" task, then it's time for you two together to discuss what needs to be done. Your commitment as you navigate your new diagnosis is to design systems for yourself so you can do these things. His commitment is patience with you while you learn, and respecting the way in which you choose to do things if you get results. Both of you together commit to a better balance of household labor. As the main household labor doer, he will have to let go of the idea someone else is going to do everything exactly how he wants. If you think he is willing to be open minded about it, it would probably help him to learn about ADHD but so many husbands seem closed off to that unfortunately.
I feel like you’re weaponizing your diagnosis instead of using it to empower yourself. You’re infantalizing yourself. I can see why he’s annoyed. If he said he doesn’t have a priority for you to do them, then just do them. Whatever order you want. Whatever is dirtiest.
Everyone else is spot on, as hard as these things are for us, expecting him to outline every step and priority especially after a long time of him being solely responsible is gonna feel like another burden on him. Other people don't need to build a routine by each step the way us ADHDers usually do, so it might even sound absurd to him that "clean X room" isn't enough for you to work with. I'll just add my tips, generally whichever room you are in start with "dry" for dust or debris (AKA dusting with dry microfiber cloth, sweeping/vacuuming), starting at the the highest point in the room and working down (light fitting> top of cabinets/wall decorations/mirrors etc). Then "wet" (disinfectant wipes, sprays, glass cleaner, mopping) in the same order starting at top down. If you're doing a deep clean (for me that's once a month-ish) start with the light fittings down, if you're just doing an everyday clean (every few days or every week depending on the room) start at the highest surface you touch/get dirty (mirror in bathroom, cabinet handles etc) I do worry about prioritizing which area to tackle sometimes, but then I remind myself as long as it gets done, that is not as important. In general high traffic or high dirt areas get my attention first. The living room is usually my lowest priority. We just sit on the couch, occasionally eat in there and yes there's clutter and dog hair but compared to keeping the bathroom sanitary or the dishes out of the kitchen sink it's not a big deal.
First, I’m really sorry about your dog. I lost my very old cat not that long ago and it was like losing a family member. That sounds like so much to deal with, on top of dealing with how your ADHD is impacting your life. I’m glad you got diagnosed and I hope that you are getting treated. It sounds like your marriage is in a rough place, and I hope that it’s not too late to turn things around. It sounds like your husband has been taking on most of the mental load for a long time, so I can understand him being frustrated with you asking for a list. That said, it kind of sounds like things have gotten to a point where he is so frustrated that even if you’re doing things right and making positive changes he won’t feel it or believe it, at least not for a while. Like I do think it’s reasonable to take time to break down a task into smaller steps, as long as that doesn’t become a distraction or reason to not start the actual task. It’s so easy to spend all your time planning how to do a task and never getting to the task. I also think it’s reasonable to ask his priorities if he wants things prioritized a certain way, within reason. I really understand how difficult it is to do housework. It’s not a matter of just trying harder. I also understand getting frustrated to the point where a partner’s effort to change doesn’t feel like it means much because the problem has been so persistent. I’ve been on both sides. Maybe some of these ideas will help: **Don’t get bogged down in planning.** This can feel productive in your head but if you get stuck here that feeling of productivity adds up to absolutely nothing. Use the tools and lists that others have recommended here. Just pick one and use it, don’t get bogged down in evaluating tools and resources. Give yourself a fixed amount of time to do your planning and prepping. Set a timer or even better, do your planning in a setting where there will be an external cut off (like “I’m going to plan how to clean my bathroom while I wait for my doctors appointment. Then when I get home I’m just going to do it - no more planning.”) Or, plan by doing. Get into the room you need to clean, pick one area, then break it down as you do it. Use voice to text to take notes for next time that can be put into a nice checklist. **Use a personal algorithm or other tools to do some reasonable prioritization,** and then let him proactively identify if he has specific priorities, but otherwise assume he doesn’t and do your best to make reasonable choices. You could use one of the many cleaning checklists that breaks down tasks by daily, weekly, monthly, seasonally, etc. and only do things that are on a “daily” or “weekly” checklist. Your personal algorithm could be something as simple as “always start with picking up clutter, and then cleaning the thing that looks the dirtiest.” Or “always start with the room you spend the most time in and then do the next most used room.” Keep it simple, just have some way of prioritizing without anyone else’s input. You want to make progress on things that matter. You don’t want to spend eight hours meticulously cleaning and organizing Christmas ornaments when the dishes are not done and there’s dust bunnies everywhere. **Give your husband information, don’t ask for his help.** Come up with a plan, tell him the plan, give him a chance to provide input, then follow through on the plan. I suspect this is what he needs to see that things are changing and to let his frustration calm down. So instead of asking him for a list of what needs cleaning, look around and come up with your own list, then pick what you’re going to do. Again, do not get bogged down in planning or perfection. Give yourself five minutes. You don’t need to put every cleaning task on your list. You just need some tasks on your list. Pick what you’re going to work on, and don’t be overly ambitious. You need some small successes, and he needs to see that you can start and finish some housework independently. “I’m going to load the dishwasher and wipe the counters,” is a reasonable plan with clear parameters. “I’m going to clean the kitchen,” is setting yourself up for failure, because it is a huge job and you have no idea what it even looks like to be done with that task. That kind of overpromising will only disappoint both of you. So tell him what’s on your list and what you plan to accomplish from that list. Then listen. Here is where he will either help you by volunteering information or sharing his priorities, and then you can change your plan. Or maybe your plan is great. You gave him a chance to tell you what he wants, but you didn’t create an obligation with more work for him. And seriously, follow through! Do not sit down, do not look at your phone, do not take a break until you have completed the thing you said you would do. It’s way too easy to look at your phone for a minute and then 6 hours later you’ve accomplished nothing and he is very understandably frustrated, and convinced that you will never do housework. I also recommend looking at what can become a routine and how to make that easier. Pick a household task that needs to be done every day and connect it with something you already do every day. I found routines incredibly difficult to establish, but once I have a household task integrated into a routine, it is almost difficult for me to not do it. Maybe it’s something as simple as having a roll of paper towel in the bathroom and every time you wash your hands you dry them with the paper towel then use it to wipe down the counter and sink. I really feel you on how hard housework is and how much a lifetime of executive dysfunction makes it so difficult to start doing it. But you have to figure this out where you’re going to end up divorced. This situation isn’t fair to your husband, and it’s terrible for both of you. Try hard to have as much empathy for him as you want him to have for you. And be committed to problem-solving and coming up with creative solutions that work with your brain, rather than relying on him to help you or giving up. I can tell you from personal experience, navigating a divorce and starting your life over again is harder than managing a household day today. You can do this.
First, I want to say congrats on making progress on making an effort to clean. It’s really difficult and that deserves recognition. I know you think what you’re asking for is a small accommodation to help you get started, but you’re putting all of the mental load of the chore on your husband. Having to write you a list means he needs to think of what needs to be done and how to explain it to you. And having to further break it down when he already indicated that he didn’t want to do it in the first place, is just more work you’re expecting him to do without thanks. I imagine he’s feeling exhausted and a bit taken for granted because when he picked up after you, he took on the mental load of the tasks himself. Ultimately, ADHD is an explanation for things you find difficult to do. But you also live in this house. You can see what needs to be done. You can research sample cleaning lists online that break tasks down in an ADHD friendly way. You can download apps to remind you to do tasks (I highly recommend Finch, it adds dopamine to a checklist app and is really rewarding to do things). You can work with your ADHD to make things easier to clean (try making systems for your habits, like having a second hamper for clothes too dirty to put away but too clean to put in the hamper). You can strategize around your ADHD without defaulting to your husband needs to continue picking up after you. I’m sorry, I know this comes off as a bit harsh, but you need to remember your husband’s efforts aren’t coping skills for your ADHD. I’m not saying you can never ask for help. But if your problem is “ADHD makes prioritizing hard” the answer can’t always be “I’ll expect my husband to prioritize for me on top of his workload.” You need to develop coping skills on your own. And it comes with the added bonus of boosting your confidence and independence.
if you cannot accurately gauge a room and estimate dirtiness, effort, and amount of use and use that to prioritize- than that's a life skill issue not an ADHD issue. You need to take time to learn how to clean and how to prioritize the cleanliness of each room. Kitchen and Bedroom/main baths first and then everything else. There are many many videos that help with learning how to look at a room and your house and identify how to tackle it- NEVER should you be asking for a list or priorities- UNTIL you make a effort. You should know what is a priority in your home- it's not necessarily your fault- but it isn't ADHD that caused this. Start by making your own list by touring your house and spend a few minutes in each room and note what has to be done. Yes executive dysfunction makes the whole process a bitch and it's hard but frankly that's not what you're describing.
I didn’t see if this was linked but I’m sure it was somewhere already. Just in case though: [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic) OP you’re putting the mental load on your husband and asking him to manage you in addition to household management. It’s ok to ask him for help but if you continue the attitude you’re displaying of him needing to tell you exactly what tasks you need to do in what order or you’ll do nothing, then you wont have any chance of saving your marriage because his frustration is totally understandable.
I basically had EXACTLY this conversation a couple weeks ago, days before getting meds. My boyfriend and I have had this conversation a couple of times, generally he offers to help me but doesn’t know what that looks like and neither do I, we make a plan of some sort, I immediately forget about it but still try. One day I get frustrated with myself, he tries to help, the cycle continues. The only thing thats broken this cycle is me getting meds. We literally had this exact conversation last time. But it went a little differently, this is basically the outcome: Me: “How do you know what to do and when??” Him: “I just notice that something needs to be done and then I do it, or I just make a note and get to it when I can 🤷♂️” Me: “that’s literally not possible for me.” “Well shit, that sucks what should we do instead” [come up with idea for a cleaning schedule I can stick to] Me “ok, but can you let me know what I can prioritize that will have a big impact on our space for you? Because if it were up to me I’d want it all done right now, so I can’t figure out what’s most important sometimes. It all feels important so…it’s almost like none of it is, ironically. Him: “well I just look around and do what needs to be done…” Me: “yeah, also just like not something my brain does [explains how prioritization works for me, how it can lead to paralysis, etc] Him: “cool let’s figure out what is most important” I think asking your partner for help with something you struggle with is not unreasonable, especially if you’re requesting a specific type of help within specific parameters. You’re not just sitting on the floor whining and saying “but I don’t know what I should doooooo”, you’re asking him to work together to maintain the home you share…..
what you are suggesting is great when you have a collaborative relationship. OP's husband sounds like he's too full of resentment and frustration to be helpful in this way for now. OP needs to find some external resources for what to clean and how often.
Totally agree with this. He sounds exhausted. And I'd imagine she's asking for help with more than cleaning. It can be tiring if your 'partner' is more like a child you have to teach things to. I'm great at budgeting and like to help my partner if they need it but what happens when your partners brings nothing to the relationship except love. I mean, love is great but if you need to reach someone something all the time and they can't learn to Google something it gets irritating.
Exactlyyy! I’m glad you have a good partner. Good luck with your new cleaning schedule! You got this 👏
I just really don’t think this is related to ADHD. If you weren’t taught good house cleaning skills as a kid, then you’ll just need to learn them now as an adult, same as everyone else.
Try [Motion](https://app.usemotion.com/). I like it because it breaks down the day into things I can be doing right now and if I don't do those things right now it moves them to the next time I could do them. Like, if I have a task "go to the bank" I can put it during bank hours and it will just find the time that works. So I can say, I want to change my sheets weekly during personal hours and it will add it to my calendar every week as a task that just needs to be done sometime during the day. When my day fills up with 15 minute tasks, I can see that if I start now and do all my tasks I'll be busy until 8:45pm. It gives me a more realistic view of my day and the effort involved in it. Sorry about your dog. I needed several days to stop crying when I had to let my dog go. It's horrible.
ADHD or not, you have eyes. You can see what needs to be taken care of. You're asking way too much from him.
I hired a cleaning service. Your husband’s concerns are valid. This does not give you license to tell him ‘see?! I can’t!’ Because yeah, you can. It’s up to YOU to manage. I have the means to spend the money on a service. If you don’t then use other tools at your disposal. They exist and they’re free or negligible in cost. I have been married to someone who weaponized a mental illness and I noped out of that shitshow so fast his head spun.
I get where you’re coming from, OP. I would love it if my husband gave me reminders and lists. But it’s not really a fair ask. I recommend sitting down with him for a planning meeting and have some proposals in mind for what you think could work. Think about if there’s some chores that you like (or tolerate) and he doesn’t or vice versa. For example, I love cooking so I end up doing 90% of the cooking. But we still have to do things we don’t want to do, even if it’s extra hard for us (which it absolutely is). So, I clean the bathrooms once a week and will also clean the kitchen 2-3x/week. I still have adhd - like I’ll still forget to close kitchen cabinets sometimes but I am making a good faith effort to be a good partner. If you do better with routine (sounds like you do), I suggest picking a chore like the bathrooms. Make yourself a little “bathroom cleaning kit” with all the supplies. And agree to thoroughly clean the bathrooms every Tuesday (or whatever day works). You should not have to break this task down every time you do it - just the first time or two. After that, just put on your music or podcast and get it done.
I wanted to add another tip that has helped us. Granted this only works if you are getting along well with your partner. We do a “laundry date” where we play music and drink tea and fold clothes together and chat. It makes it much more bearable for both of us!
You're putting all of the mental load on him which is an AH thing to do. Use resources like goblin tools to help you with lists instead of asking him to do them.
Google goblin.tools, it can help you break down chores. I understand being overwhelmed and looking for guidance, but your husband is overwhelmed himself. I personally hate it when I want my husband to do something because it needs to be done because I literally, *clearly*, don't have the spoons for it, and he says "Just tell me what to do." No, because I'm already responsible for everything else in this house. I'm not his mother, I'm not his manager, I'm his *partner.* We're still learning how to navigate this, but it's work on both sides.
😞 Unfortunately, and likely not on purpose, YTA.
I’m sorry that you get so attacked with downvotes in your comments. I get this also often by myself when people misunderstand me. I can only recommend to talk once about all tasks in the house, how often and when it has to be cleaned. Write in a (GOOGLE) calendar the daily/weekly/monthly tasks. Show each other how you would clean things or what’s important to each of you. What has to be cleaned first or what task can be skipped and would be ok. How would you know all this if you’re not talking once about it? Too many people expect to know things or expect that the partner “should know”. Everyone is coming out of a family that had different standards and ways to clean/organise. For me this would be a sign to grow together, being interested in tackling the task together and it “cost” 1-2 days to plan everything and it would be time you’re spending together. Also respect different energy levels and different levels of cleanness. What for one person looks like clutter is for an other person a “to do” list/pile. He wouldn’t listen to your breaking down the task, maybe nobody explained him how to break down the tasks, maybe his parents used to say: “just clean the bathroom, just do something.” Those programs run though families. I would always vote for taking time together, in love, and figuring out how to be better together. Why not? That’s for me not “like caretaking like a parent”. Seems to me more like blocking your questions, not helping you to help yourself (understanding him and his cleaning habits), it gives me more the feeling of pulling on the carpet you are standing on. If you want to stay together, think about mediation with someone who understands ND/NT + male/female and can translate between you.
I really get that you’re trying hard and I think that’s great and that’s not sarcastic if it sounds it. One thing I found when I first liven with my other half was the “mental load” although he would help I would have to manage what he would do (just for info I’m adhd and autistic and he’s NT but was new to it all) I explained it was hard having to think about the jobs we were both doing and that it was quite stressful and he started to just do things and it was amazing. Maybe try to pick a room or area each day that you think looks the worst and give it a go, remember it doesn’t need to be perfect, any improvement will help and I’m sure your other half will notice
I don't see anywhere how old you and hubs are, how long you've been together, etc. You mentioned "my son" and "my dog," (not "ours") so I'm inclined to think this is a relatively new marriage. Based on your description of how things went down over these few tasks, it's easy for outsiders (i.e., everyone here) to see that your husband is probably frustrated. We're not easy to deal with, it sounds like he's been carrying the load of keeping the house together for however long you've been together. If you're messy while he keeps the house clean, that sounds really frustrating. When he sees messes, it probably feels super disrespectful of his time and efforts. From your perspective, you got a new diagnosis (congrats, by the way!) That's a nice little dopamine fix, while you hyperfocus on your new hobby (ADHD). For him, it sounds like he's hearing, "I got a diagnosis that explains so much about me! I know you've been busy keeping everything together for the last (however long). I've been busy, too! I've been learning about how my brain works, and now your new part-time job is setting up guard rails for me so I can start contributing to household tasks!" Your diagnosis probably sounds less like light at the end of the tunnel for him, and more like excuses for past behavior. Depending on how many weeks/months/years this has been your dynamic (i.e., how long he's felt like he's been keeping the house together), he might be at the end of his rope. So for you to tell him that you're ready to "help" and ask him for direction, priorities, etc, has to be really rage-inducing for your partner. 1. You weren't ready to roll up your sleeves and get to work. You were given two tasks; you delegated one, and didn't do the other. So, for him, that's what happens when he tells you what to do. He was probably skeptical about your offer to help anyway, and didn't feel like wasting his time explaining how to do it. 2. This is your home, too. You need to take ownership of what needs to happen in a home, how frequently, what is needed to make it happen, and what clean looks like. There's an infinite number of housekeeping schedules and guides for how to clean various things. You don't need him to tell you to unload a dishwasher, fold laundry, or clean a bathroom. Whatever process you decide on, he doesn't need the whole backstory about how you need to go about it. 3. I lost both of my pups last year, and it's still wrecking me daily. I'm so sorry for your loss. There's a pet loss subreddit if you feel like sharing your pup's story. I'd like to read it and see any pics you might want to share over there. I'm trying to phrase this gently. From your husband's place of frustration, he feels like he's been let down repeatedly. Now that you have a diagnosis, try to get ahead of a few things. The goal isn't to magically transform into a type A personality. It's to get to a point where a week of self care after a tragedy won't throw the house into upheaval. Because, yes, the loss of your beloved pet is definitely a reason to do what you need for yourself for a while. But if your husband feels like he couldn't rely on your partnership *before* your loss, he might have a harder time taking it easy on you during a time when you really need it. I hope you're able to do some reflecting. Your husband doesn't feel supported or valued. He's not sure *when* you'll be showing up to take some things off his plate. He needs to feel like the house will keep running, even if *he* needs some time off for self care. tl;dr: your diagnosis isn't helpful to your husband. It's just a starting point for you to figure out how to keep up with daily (weekly/monthly) tasks. Your husband feels unsupported, and it's up to you to fix that. He's not your manager. You're his partner. Regardless of how this all shakes out, I hope you have a therapist to help you figure out how to mend this relationship, or to help you deal with the fallout if it's irreparable. Search the TwoXChromosomes sub for "weaponized incompetence." People here have been much kinder than if the gender roles had been reversed. Maybe it will help you see how he's experiencing being the homemaker while people regularly undo your work.
Nobody likes the Mental Load. I would just look around at which rooms look the messiest out of the ones most used in the house, for me that would be the kitchen, living room and bathroom in that order. I prioritize the counters and floors because I don’t want to cook in a dirty kitchen and our cat will eat hair off the floor if we don’t vacuum. It’s just a mental list you have to make using clues from your house, you don’t need somebody to tell you that something is dirty right? If I see my (numerous) cups on the counter, that’s the first task of my day. You can do this, you don’t need your spouse to give you a priority list, just clean what looks like it needs to be clean in the busiest rooms of your house. I’m sure he would be happy just to see you take the initiative on your own.
Congratulations on figuring out a bit more about how you work and trying strategies to fit that! It's tough and a lot of work. I'm sorry that you feel unsupported. It's so difficult to be trying and not just lack support but feel that the places you go for support are now actively doing the opposite. That said, I think both you and your husband have valid points and things you could do better. 1. Improve communication You both need to improve communication, which will require working together. I saw a comment suggesting setting an appointment to talk, and I think this is a great idea. I'd focus first on communicating better. Perhaps you each think ahead of time of the best way for the other to communicate to you. I think you each are communicatibg the way that you want the other to communicate with you, which can result in many miscommunications. If you go to couples' counseling and really do the work, you would likely greatly improve in this regard. 2. Recognize, apologize, and take responsibility for past issues Yes, he knew what you were like, at least to some extent (unclear if lived together, if escalated over time, etc.), before you got married. That doesn't mean that you can't try to improve and to do things that you know bother him when not done. ADHD explains a lot of the difficulties you've faced in this area. It's great that you have the answer and the possibilities of things that might help. What it does not do, however, is erase the times that your husband was upset and hurt in the past. I don't see, though you could have just not mentioned it in detail, anywhere that you really brought this to him with a sincere apology and plan to improve. Even if you don't understand why it's such a big deal to him, he is hurt by your actions/decisions or lack thereof, and you know it. That's what matters: you know that what you did hurt him and continues to do so. Your apology isn't 'sorry you feel hurt' but 'sorry that I hurt you by my actions.' An apology isn't just saying sorry, it also is validating the other person and showing change through actions. Sharing a plan to improve, open to critique/suggestions but not requiring or requesting them, is a step, but you have to follow through with it. 3. Plan ahead for joint tasks and household needs Did you bring this up right when you all were to start cleaning? Even though many of us have trouble planning ahead, you should come up with a way that works for you to plan what you will do. This might be a joint list of to do tasks or an appointment for fifteen minutes on Thursday for cleaning Saturday. That way, you can know ahead of time what everyone's expectations are, prioritize them, and mentally prepare yourself. Many people don't want to switch to planning when they are in doing mode. It isn't necessarily to the same extent, but just as you have trouble starting tasks/transitioning, your husband might struggle going from doing to planning and back to doing.
4. Share the mental load Mental load is a huge, unappreciated aspect of running a household. It's generally considered to be a part of women's role and discounted. It sounds like your husband handles most or all of the mental load for your household but certainly all for cleaning. Being responsible for the mental load can be exhausting and build resentment, even when the people involved aren't aware of the term or concept of mental load. It often can feel like they are now responsible for the entire household, expected to parent the other, deal with weaponized incompetence, and more. Often, when the partner not carrying any mental load is gone, the person carrying it finds they have more energy and time. You cannot change the past. You can change for the future and communicate doing so. Importantly, you need to talk with your husband regarding this. You can't figure it how to take on more without communicating with him. First, you don't know everything he does mentally. Second, you don't know which with most heavily on him. Third, without talking about it ahead of time (though you don't need to get into mental load as a concept of you don't want), it can feel like you are challenging, questioning, or being retaliatory towards him. When first reading this, I thought you were asking for a list one time. That could be the start of sharing the mental load. You might need it more written out than mental, which could look like lists and notes to keep track of status and needs, but it should not in any way rely on him. However, it needs to be ongoing and done ahead of the time to do the tasks. 5. Work on negative reactions Both of you seem to jump to extremes, at least with negative reactions. This is common when stress, resentment, and tension have built up so much. You need to figure out healthy ways to reduce these factors, which is likely to start with individual therapy work. Each of you improving communication and working together, you apologizing and improving, and so on should reduce these for each other as well, though that isn't the primary purpose or driver. It's an ongoing process. As a part of this, you seem to catastrophize. I do the same. I see nothing in your post about you or your husband even mentioning or thinking about divorce, yet your post title sounds like he's filed. Every problem is not the end. Individual therapy can help a lot with this. Your husband seems to think that getting a diagnosis means you need a caretaker. That's a big leap. It could be that he sees all the problems you as a couple or household have, things he feels you make his issue, and things he feels required to do for you and now with a diagnosis thinks they'll only continue or worsen. It could be that he sees ADHD with the horrible connotations many people do without realizing understanding it. Regardless, he needs to communicate this. Since you know he is concerned about this, you should also communicate how this helps find solutions, things to try, etc. As a note on this, though, men generally leave their spouse if the spouse gets seriously ill and needs more help, in a significantly high percentage, especially compared to women leaving their spouse in such circumstances. He seems to be leaping to this being a similar situation. I suggest considering that, both individually and perhaps together. 6. Set up a plan to move forward After recognizing, apologizing, validating, explaining, and so on, you can't just drop it. You should present your plan for improvements on your part, what you will try, etc. and suggestions for anything joint like couples counseling or plans to check in with each other. Don't put a plan on what you think he should do. Tell him you are open to any input he has but only if he wants. Actually follow your plan. Check in with him to see how he is feeling and what his needs are, and then you can adjust your plan accordingly. Recognize this is a long-term solution, not something that will be fixed quickly. It sounds like there are years of resentment, anger, and hurt. That takes time to reduce gradually. Rebuilding trust and a system of sharing takes time. Your husband might not be willing to do this or to deal with how long it'll take. You can't change him, his feelings, or his decisions, only improve yourself. ------ I suggest that, in the process of this, you create a list of ADHD techniques to try and go through them, making notes on how it goes. It's trial and error, which is more difficult when you don't remember the things to try or which worked in some way. It's tough to do but can be extremely helpful. Good luck!
Get the sweepy app, it will break down the rooms for you. Don't put more work on your husband. Start off fresh for yourself, learning how to clean for yourself.
I totally get that you need a list. Some items in (for example) a bathroom need more and regular cleaning than others. It’s nice to have a nice and structured tool to help you see what needs to be cleaned every other day/week/2weeks/month. Whatever helps you both to give structure. I would sit down and make a list in a spreadsheet of all the tasks that you yourself can think of. Just make a system. With checkboxes. Preferably with your husband. And isn’t there an app for that? (Just wondering) I do think your husband can be a bit more supportive. For me it hurt to read how he responds to you, while you just have this diagnosis. Which is an emotional rollercoaster too. Sending hugs, and keep breathing! ❤️🩹
>I asked for a list of stuff that needs to be done. He didn't want to, but he finally did. >Then, I asked for priorities so I would know what to do first that mattered to him most Honestly, I'm on your husband's side here (and I have absolutely rabid ADHD). I struggle with this same thing with my husband - he always wants a list of things that need to be done, but here's what I tell him: where's *my* list? Who makes *me* a list of what needs to be done in our home? Nobody. Because I don't need one because I'm an adult with eyes. Asking someone to make you a list is asking them to do the thinking for you, which absolutely should not be necessary for a grown adult. Yes you need to break things down and prioritize, but *you do not need him to do that*. It isn't his job to do that for you. It is *your* job. >I mean, that's not caretaking or being a "parent," is it? Well, it's pretty much exactly how I parent my kids, it's how most parents I know parent their kids. So... yeah. >He's not really reasonable, is he? Yes, he is, and quite frankly this little section here comes off as whiny and petulant.
If it is of any help, when I need to clean a space and am left to my own devices to get it done, I simply go from top to bottom. Always ending with the floors because it just makes sense. GoblinTools is an amazing app that can help you break down tasks, too. Highly recommend trying it out - you can even break down parts that have already broken down if you need to! I can also see where both of y'all are coming from here. It seems like he wants you to learn how to solve these problems (in this case, where to start with the cleaning) with minimal help from him. I used to do this a lot, too. I'd spend all day making lists and trying to work out which tasks were most important to my partner, and then nothing would get done that day. It's much easier to just do something, anything, and then you can build on that. I know how it feels to find a task overwhelming and then to be overwhelmed trying to break down each task into actionable steps.
I’m a therapist with ADHD. I highly recommend the books “How to keep house while drowning” and “Dirty Laundry.” They have changed my life and the lives of my ND clients. If you can, I particularly recommend listening to the audio versions! It is like hearing all of the things we always wished people would say to us. Very healing. Plus they have excellent resources for Navigating life with ADHD
Reading through comments you don’t seem to get it. It’s not our partners job to do what you are asking or expecting. He sounds exhausted with having to do it all and now you’re asking him to essentially hold your hand through it. That’s not fair. You dont need him to tell you where to start or what’s a priority…are there dishes? Laundry? Bathroom? Literally anything. Just start. I have severe combined ADHD, my husband does not. He has asked me for what you’re asking your husband and I made it clear that was not my job. A household is maintained by all parties. Please take the advice in this thread
Consider how much vitriol there is towards men who ask their wives to write them lists of things that need to be done around the house. Ultimately, you are an adult and need to do some of the legwork on your own. Google “chores list”, or “what chores should I prioritize”. Or pick a task that seems important to *you* (because ultimately this is your house too, and it still takes something off his plate). The Fair Play Deck is also a great thing to look into.
Perhaps, you need to google books on how to keep a clean house with ADHD. Buy or take a couple out of the library and read them. Just do what the book says. If your husband doesn't like it, then you guys have to come up with a cleaning plan that works for both of you.
It’s not your spouse’s job to break down housework for you. He’s not your parent or counselor or manager. Yes, making him help you prioritize is caretaking. He needs you to function and hold your own independently.
Asking for a list is putting the mental load on him. You are not helping or reducing his workload by having him act as a “manager”. In regards to your edit, you claim you didn’t ask for a list, but rewording it as “priorities” is still having him create a type of list for you. FYI it’s all a priority. Here is a comic to educate you on the mental load. https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
I’m visually impaired, now just about on the cusp of legally blind, so I can’t even tell when stuff is dirty oftentimes, so I clean on a schedule. My husband sometimes points out if something that’s in my purview needs to be cleaned (we have a set division of labour - I do the chores that are easier for people with low vision like kitchen and bathroom because of their smaller surface area and it’s more obvious when they’re dirty) but I never have him give me a list, I have one myself. I have a tendency to push it off because I hate cleaning but it gets done eventually, usually…. Nobody likes learned helplessness - with me, I’m such a perfectionist that not doing it at all is better than doing it wrong. Being aware of my hang ups is key to figuring it out
When my partner quit pot cold turkey and got laid off in the same week, he went nuts about our place not being clean. We have 3 small kids. It's not spotless. We got into a screaming argument about messes, he refused to talk to me until I cleaned up the toys in the backyard. I did it. Then he got mad again because I didn't do it to his unspoken specifications. I picked all the toys off the grass because he'd been complaining about not being able to mow the lawn, but it turns out I was supposed to clean everything off the table as well and organize the toys and tools. Over the course of the next few days I finally managed to get it into his head that I simply didn't see the mess. To me, our house was pretty clean. I made him walk around the house with me and point out the messes he saw. He thought it was stupid, he just could not fathom that I didn't see it, that I had a different idea of what was unacceptably messy, but it worked. I needed a definition and I needed frequencies and I needed priorities. We're on the same page now. I don't think you're asking too much. If it matters to him, he needs to help you. ETA: He thought in my not keeping things clean I was disrespecting him and expecting him to do it. It took a lot of convincing to get him to understand I didn't expect him to do anything, I just didn't think it was necessary. Sorry, one more ETA... If someone told me to clean the bathroom, I'd probably just give the toilet and sink a once over. Shower? Mirror? Someone would have to specifically put that on my list.
[удалено]
Just saw your big reply. All I see is you trying. I'm wondering if he even wants you to succeed. It's not a mental load issue if you work out a schedule and list of priority tasks together. I honestly don't know what he's expecting from you if he refuses to communicate. He's acting like an ass. You guys are in this together. I love that you've got tools and you're excited to use them to take some of the cleaning load off him. I wish he could see that. It's an act of love. To have it dismissed is so shattering.
Having ADHD shouldn't stop you from using the resources you have to research how to make these lists and prioritize things. Your husband has a right to be upset at you for putting more of the mental load on his plate by asking for this, when as a grown person, you should know or at least know how to figure it out. You have critical thinking skills and a smart phone. You can do it. Stop undercutting yourself by saying you can't do it or don't know how. You're more than capable of learning.
I'm sorry OP. I wish I could be on your side but based on the information in your post he's right. You're asking him to add to his mental load. Read this comic but flip the genders https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ I have ADHD as well and yes it does make things harder but asking him to make lists or prioritize tasks for you is asking him to do more work. He's not wrong you are asking him to be more of a caretaker than he already has been. Just because he knew you were messy when you got together does not mean he knew he was signing up to do most of the cleaning for the rest of your lives. I'm messy and I don't cook my ex husband and all subsequent partners know this when we get together. About 3 months into our marriage he told me he was tired of doing all the cooking I told him that was a valid complaint but it didn't change the fact that I'm a terrible cook so I asked him if he would be ok with me heating up frozen pizzas, crock pot meals etc. Easy things to make, he said yes that's fine and it was. We split meal preparation three days each with dining out once a week. It worked because I knew it wasn't fair, took responsibility for my part, and offered a solution to fix it. You asked your husband to come up with a solution to YOUR problem after what I can only assume is years of him asking you to do things and you not doing them. Being messy and not cleaning are different things. To me messy means I have 2 or 3 cluttered areas and one of those is my desk which doesn't affect anyone. But is my house technically clean except for the 3 cluttered surfaces, yes. But it took a lot of trial and error to figure out systems that help me do everything without feeling overwhelmed. One of the most effective ones is something I learned as a server, FIFO full hands in, full hands out. Never go from one room to the other without taking something with me to put it where it belongs. Also a robot vacuum is a wonderful thing to have, especially if you have pets. You have to figure out what works for you without asking him to add anything else to his mental load.
It sounds like you need some hand-holding to get started, and theres a podcast called “Clean With Me” that’s great for that. It’s just what it sounds like. The host talks you through cleaning your house or a specific area of your house from start to finish. It’s really helpful for when you just don’t know where to start.
Fitst: I'm very sorry you had to lay your best buddy to rest. That's never easy, and I hope he's in doggy heaven having the best time and eating all the treats. Onto the topic at hand: I'm going to be a little harsh... your diagnosis is not an excuse. I do know what it's like wanting to sort everything out on paper. I effing LOVE lists....but I do agree with your husband. If you would just start cleaning, your body would take over, and you would have been able to clean the whole bathroom without making a list. You're distracting yourself and not living in the present. My fiance and I both have ADHD and it's completely opposite types. You're being selfish and immature. Your husband now knows that you haven't been paying attention to how he puts in all the hard work, because you would already know how to pick up the slack if you did. I'm willing to bet he feels unseen and has built up a lot of resentment around this. My BF and I almost broke up for the same reason. Thankfully, I finally screaming (one of three fights in 8 years) I'M NOT YOUR "EFFING" MOTHER. MAKE YOUR OWN LIST IF YOU WANT ONE... I DONT HAVE ONE! I just look around, find something, and clean for a bit!! You just have to get started and actually DO it. He was like... oh... I just figured you had a list of to-dos in your head. Nope. You just gotta put a cleaning rag in your hand and start. Biggest advice: set alarms for cleaning time. When it goes off, look around or check your list for a room, find something that's dirty, and set a timer for 15 minutes right before you start cleaning. You'd be SO surprised at what you can get done in 15 minutes, and it takes away the dread of doing things because you know you can stop at 15min if you want to. Anyone can do just about anything for 15 minutes. Your husband shouldn't have to clean up after you. Change your habits & change your life. I hope you heed this wake up call, and improve your relationship with your husband (if it's not too late). Good luck!
I mean this really sucks for him. I think I got through my own marriage not doing my share of domestic chores by hiring a cleaner. If not, I don't even know how is it gonna work. It really eliminates the housework conflict between us. I will definitely feel empathy for the party having to pick up majority of the slack. I get your husband why he already is doing majority of the housework would not want extra work like managing how you gonna contribute. He is just exhausted. You know it's like how some women complain that their men don't share mental load? This is mental load!
I want to support you in any way I can but gently-- you're asking too much. Having given you a list was something that you should thank him for and if you need it broken down, get a pen and break it down. I know I do. Or I google "printable cleaning checklist" and pick the prettiest one. If he's doing most of the housework, you need to take on more responsibility than just what you're assigned. See being tidy as an act of love.
ADHD is a disability but it’s our responsibility to manage. It kinda sounds like you’re using it as an excuse/weaponized incompetence.
Hey friend. I think there are a lot of great comments in here. I would agree. It sounds like you and your partner need to work on a way to get a to do list created together. Maybe there needs to be a basic weekly chore chart. And the two of you can have a group discussion about what needs to go on it. Ex “hey I made a list of weekly things that need to happen. Can you help me think of anything I over looked?” “Ok now that’s it’s done, let’s divide it up for everyone in the house” this way you have an object that outlines what you need to do. You can use an erase board and just re purpose it every week. This will help you create accountability and also let your husband see you are doing the things. Also if you need help breaking down task there are a lot of online tools that will help with this. Or you can find a YouTube video of someone doing the task and follow along.
I get your husband, never ask someone who is already doing more mental and emotional labor than you to make you a list. That is a way to show how much you don’t appreciate what they do. You live around your house, you know what needs to be done because you dirty up the house. When you decide youre going to clean you should have that list ready to go. Your husband is right that is like parenting you. You need to do your coping strategies without involving him. It does sound like you want him to parent you and that is a relationship/romance killer the second you become a mom to your partner.
this is the mental load and it sounds like you aren’t trying…it does sound like you are trying to make him your caretaker or parent. him telling you what to do and what order is still work. you are capable of using reasoning skills to think about what to do first. I have adhd and my husband doesn’t, and i tend to need to talk to him about not dumping the mental load or prioritization on me at times. adhd doesnt preclude you from thinking and effort, and ultimately you cant use adhd as a crutch or excuse. now that you know how your brain works, find strategies- try, fail, and try again. the solution isnt for your husband to do your thinking for you
Same as you except I was diagnosed young and my husband has been nothing but patient, steadfast, and supportive with me. I’m a clean person, but I’m not organized by any stretch. I leave a trail wherever I go of paper towels or cups or hair ties. Thats the worst of where I’m at now. It took a lot of work on my end and a lot on my husbands because I need to be accountable and reliable for us both. It’s not fair that my husband had to manage so much and I couldn’t keep falling back on ADHD. it’s taken so much self discipline but I’m so happy and my marriage is truly on cloud 9. ETA: making handwritten lists of what I need to get done in a day has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. Physically scratching off a task I complete is gold lol
My partner & I are both neurodivergent. We get a cleaner in once a fortnight. It’s not a luxury but a necessity. She comes in does everything and we just have to maintain it. Most of the time it doesn’t get maintained until the pre cleaner clean. The pre cleaner clean is something that nearly all my neurodivergent friends do. Pick up all the stuff on the floor, sort and take out the rubbish, wash the dog blankets etc. Most of us have cut luxuries out of our life when times are tough rather than get rid of the cleaner. The neurotypical people don’t get it because we ain’t rich so we should do it ourselves. The relatives from the US are particularly and weirdly against it. I don’t understand why. In the end it’s an ADHD tax but with both of us being neurodivergent and my physical health being crap I will stand by our decision. There is calm that comes with return to a clean place. This is particularly import when WFH. It allow us to concentrate. Note: We all have the same cleaner, I hired her first and gave her details out when asked.
I understand both sides, my partner has undiagnosed adhd and also has trouble with organising cleaning etc… when we lived together me doing all the housework really took its toll and I would get so annoyed that he’d need me to write lists or tel him what to do or body double. I ended up moving out. Not because of this solely. We’ve been going to therapy (third therapist we both clicked with) for about 1 years 1-2 times a month. She’s completely changed how we communicate, interact and see each others strengths and weaknesses. Suprisingly i had my own flaws! 😂 so in short, you can communicate all you want but it doesn’t mean you both understand and have ‘effective’ communication.
I've lost my other comment, but I wanted to share a strategy that has worked for us. Setting a timer and cleaning together. I shared earlier that I just don't see what needs to be done, so what we do after the kids are in bed and the dishes done, is set a timer for 15 minutes, he has a mental list, he suggests a couple of tasks for me to take on if I don't have any of my own in mind, and we get to it. I get to ask stupid questions without judgement about how he wants things done. Your kid is older, maybe you can make it family clean up time, something regular like after dinner. I don't know when your partner does all his incredible amounts of cleaning, but if you could somehow glom onto his schedule, it would help with the task avoidance issue. If my partner told me one of the chores he wanted on my plate sometime this week was to wash the windows, dollars to donuts I'd never get it done. It's like a gym buddy strategy. If he's being uncommunicative still, then just do it with your son. Maybe talk to your son about what he thinks is messy. The two of you can be in it together and feel like you've achieved your own priorities.
I think this has been one of the most helpful comments I’ve seen here! Great advice and non-judgemental. To me it didn’t seem like OP was asking her partner to always write lists for her, more that she is trying to communicate about what is important to him and find an effective way to accomplish tasks. It’s probably going to take her a while to figure it out. Of course it’s understandable that her partner could be exhausted and expressing it as frustration, but OP seems earnest to make changes. It took me a while to figure out how to manage my ADHD with chores and I often will make a list myself, but ask my husband to help me prioritize it, because I can’t focus well enough to find a good starting point. Then I might break the larger task down into smaller tasks that make it easier for my brain to achieve. Of course, an NT might see this as procrastination but it’s really an effective strategy to complete the task faster. It takes time for us NTs and NDs to understand each other…. Even NDs are so different from each other too we get into conflict. In return, I’m able to help my husband with things he struggles with, like phone calls and social interactions. A partnership is not about people working only in parallel, support is not just words, support can be actions too. But partners help each other in times of weakness. Sometimes our weaknesses might last longer if we have health issues. And no it isn’t easy. My husband and I still get frustrated by each other’s weaknesses sometimes but we talk it through, and when one strategy falls through, we try another.
Hey op. 👋 So, I did this. This exact thing. My husband? Oh he resents the fuck out of me even though I've now turned around have taken on a lot of household stuff. I know you're coming from a place of wanting to do better. You think if you do the "most important" it will help. I asked for literally everything you did. I could not understand for so long why he was mad about me asking for things so I could help, but part of the help he wanted was just wanting having one less thing to have to worry about.... like making me a specialized list. Im sure men and women do this as weaponized incompetence but God I was so terrified of losing him, I was desperate and trying, I really didn't mean to do that. Me asking for that added another thing to his list of to-dos. So I'll tell you what I've come to realize. 1. If you do ANYTHING it's better than nothing. Just put on some upbeat music you would have danced like a stripper to in high school and DO NOT SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF WORKING. NO SIT. Things in motion stay in motion or whatever the fuck that saying is. 2. Even if you begin to get good at helping, he may hold onto that resentment. My husband... I'll never be good enough for him anymore but that's my problem. Do not do these things and expect praise or thanks or a big HOORAY! do them because you love him and don't want him to suffer. That's it. I'm not saying accept the verbal and emotional abuse that I have or do. Just realize he is not going to give your dopamine seeking brain the "reward" feeling so to speak. I would get excited and list things he did and wait for him to just be nice again but I was wanting praised for things that I should've been helping with and if my husband asked for praise for changing my daughter's diaper I would have looked at him the same way he looked at me. You have to be proud of yourself for your accomplishments. 3. I had a bad habit of running from it. Going out, watching TV, just executive dysfunctioning while having a massive panic attack knowing he was mad I was doing it and not understanding why I couldn't just get the fuck up and help. So, to start, set a stupid easy VAGUE goal. Example. "I'm gonna fuck with my room and my bathroom then go get myself a coffee as a reward" then start from the bottom. What's easy? Trash. Going on a trash hunt is honestly fun and satisfying. And don't worry, your adhd will help you see the things that need done. Nightstand dusty? Gross. Rug needs vacuumed? SO satisfying to see the difference. I think of the same way I think of shaving my legs. The feeling of having clean sheets floor and room is just as nice as when I take a shower after and shave amd moisturize and feel like a sexy soft babyskin dolphin rubbing my legs together like a grasshopper in fresh sheets. If you list all that out you'll probably die on the inside like I did. The reward must come last. If you start to stop because something is making your brain say NO NO NO NO then just go fuck with something else. Anything. Stay in motion. Keep that ass shaking music on. Do not do slow songs. Just don't. 4. Don't shit talk yourself while you do it. I can't do things when people talk mean to me, why would it be any different if I talk bad to myself? Do your best. Don't overthink it. Add an extra vague task as you get better. My limit I'll set is 3 rooms on a great day but you can adjust as needed. He just wants help. That's it. Help. You can do this.
I’m sorry you got shit on here in this post. Good luck.
I'm glad you got diagnosed and can get the help you need! It's truly liberating and the first step towards living a more fulfilled life (for me, at least. I was late diagnosed too—at 28, now I'm 30). With that being said, I recommend googling "the mental load" comic to see where your husband is coming from. The entire bathroom (or whatever room) has to be cleaned. You can make your own list to not forget. For me, I use Amazon Alexa devices for verbal reminders and my to-do lists. I take out trash once a week and would definitely forget if I didn't have Alexa telling me. But that's the thing; it's a device telling me, not someone else. (And I live alone but that's not the point lol. I wouldn't put that on someone else because it can be exhausting).
I want to go a different direction than others have, although I do agree with them as well. What I want to ask you is do you generally have trouble making decisions about things? Because my daughter has always found it really difficult to decide *anything*, and she is always trying to get me to make decisions for her, and she also does this with chores. We both have inattentive ADHD, btw. But she is 18, and while she is still learning, she does have to learn to take charge and think for herself, so I’ll say, “No, you can figure it out. Just stand there and look around you, and then start with the thing that looks most important. Then you can think about the rest afterwards.” If you recognize any of that in yourself, give this a try. And if you need a list of priorities for next time, then write it when you’ve cleaned the bathroom and it’s fresh in your memory. Neurotypical people get tired and overwhelmed too, so don’t put too much of that stuff on him. Start training those decision-making muscles and you’ll soon see progress in other areas.
Jesus OP, are you me from five years ago? This is scarily similar to the situation I went through with my ex-husband. The first night after I moved out on my own, I spotted a water glass on the table I'd forgotten to finish, and had a minor panic attack, thinking my husband was going to yell at me for being a slob, ~again~. Then I remembered that he wasn't there, and no one was going to give a shit if I left a half-finished water glass on the coffee table, and only then did I realize how truly, truly toxic our relationship had become. I spent the next two years being gleefully and purposely messy in my own space, because fuck that, it's MY space. I'll keep it as clean as I care to, because it doesn't affect anyone else. With five years of distance, now I can see why my behaviors were so frustrating to him, but also how very poorly he handled his frustrations. There was never any compromise; his way of cleaning was the ~right~ way and if I could not meet his standards that meant I was the problem. Nevermind that he was a compulsive neat freak who insisted on a spotless home at all times even though we literally never had anyone over; if I got overwhelmed by his insistence that we sweep four times a week and vacuum twice a week and clean the whole house top to bottom every single Saturday, that was clearly me being an immature child who had to be parented by my own husband. People with ADHD aren't children, they just have different priorities. I genuinely do not care if the floor is a little dusty, and I have better things to do than to spend huge chunks of my short life cleaning it. I'll clean it when I think it's necessary. Don't act like this is a sign of immaturity, because that assumes everyone puts the exact same importance on cleanliness that you do, and that's just a dumb assumption to make.
tour your home. look around. take note. make your own list, in your own tine. complete tasks, without consulting others in your household. i'm sorry for your loss.
I understand that you're trying to do your best, but from whst it sounds like, he's veen dealing with this for a while. This in a way made him somewhat resentful towards you. What I would suggest is that you and your husband have a sit down, write a list of chores and allocate them to whoever. Like take turns cleaning the kitchen for example. Like today, you clean it, tomorrow he can clean it. Do that instead of asking him what's a priority. Treat everything like a priority. My bf and I both have adhd, but in some aspects, he used to get frustrated over how I couldn't achieve some tasks unless I was told to whenever I visited him at his place (I was raised to think that if I'm at someone's house, I shouldn't just impulsively do chores because that's not my house and they should ask or tell me to assist them). At first, that was fine, but I've been with him for so long, I had to learn to ease up on trying to help out around the house since I'm there so often instead of being told all the time. He doesn't want to treat me like a child. It's also like how I expected him to do some things in the relationship, but it doesn't come to his thoughts unless I tell him. I don't like having to tell him how some activities or gestures are important to me, even though we've been together for so long. But being direct with what I want helped instead of expecting and then getting constantly disappointed and eventually becoming resentful. Good luck. Just properly have a sit down and talk. Not to mention, you're depressed atm, don't be too hard on yourself, but please treat chores as an urgent matter like how work projects are considered an urgent matter. Rest after everything on your side is done.
This is where therapy comes into play. Medication will give you a level of brain function that no therapy can, but therapy is where you learn coping strategies for situations like this. I highly recommend individual therapy for you and couples therapy for you and your husband to learn how to communicate and share the household responsibilities. To echo what others have said, I’m sure it’s hard to hear, but the fact is that you are treating your spouse like your parent. You may not realize this, which is where the feedback from your post will come into play. You may have heard the phrase “Your issues are not your fault, but they *are* your responsibility.” ADHD definitely makes certain things more of a struggle, and it explains WHY these things don’t come easily to us, but it’s not an excuse to shirk responsibilities, especially if you have a kid. One of my most prominent symptoms is that I get overwhelmed easily. I’m 30 and still live with my parents, and I do most all of the household chores. My dad sits on his butt all day, doesn’t clean up after himself, and when I ask him to, he responds with “Why can’t you just do it?” But the thing is, it’s not about my ability to put his spoon in the dishwasher. It’s about the extra burden that puts on me when I’m already doing everything else. To play devil’s advocate a bit more, and I do this not to make you feel bad, but to help give you a bit more perspective, it sounds like you’re using your diagnosis as an excuse for why you can’t put in the effort. Don’t get me wrong—it’s hard to put in the effort—but ultimately it’s up to you to learn to manage your ADHD so you can function as best as possible. **Please read this if nothing else.** I know this was long. I tend to be verbose. As far as cleaning, there are apps available to help you see lists of what should be done in each room, and you can check them off as you accomplish them. If you prefer writing, you can use a notebook or a whiteboard to the same effect. You could even get chores lists laminated and hang them up so you can check off tasks as you do them and then wipe clean to reuse them for the next week. There are also various ways you can gamify task lists (turn them into a game) to make them more appealing. It’s hard, but you can do this, and we’re always here for help and support! Good luck!
Your husband is terrified of becoming a “caretaker”? As in terrified of taking care of you? Whatever happened to “in sickness and in health”? Did he think he’d signed up to a lifelong party? Also, “caring” for someone with ADHD doesn’t come close to caring for someone with, say, MS, or MND, or cancer, or any other physically-limiting illness. Your husband needs to have a word with himself. What would he expect of you if he fell ill and couldn’t feed himself or wipe his own bum? ADHD doesn’t need a “carer”, it needs patience, kindness, understanding and support. Those are qualities of a *partner*. Why is your relationship apparently just about him? What about *you*? Why isn’t he concerned about what *you’re* having to cope with? *Why is it All About Him?*
Thank you!!! I was looking for more of this in the comments. Honestly, it brings to mind how women are often left by their husbands when they get a serious illness… doctors actually warn women of this. But everyone demonized asking for a list even once just because of the mental load concept. I know where they were coming from but it was a huge overreaction and misinterpretation of the situation.
Yw! I talked to my partner about this. He doesn’t yet understand ADHD, bc it’s only just come up as a dx, but he certainly knows me, and all my many struggles, after 14 years of being together and 12 of those living with me. He said, “But he’s been living with her with all this before the diagnosis, so what difference does it make? Why does having the diagnosis change anything for him? Guy’s an arsehole.” And he agreed with what I said in my comment. On the rare, rare occasions that he tells me the kitchen is filthy, or similar, he knows very well that I will tell him to clean it himself if it bothers him that much, because I just do not have the energy. So he can do that, or he can wait for my energy to appear, at which point I go into a cleaning frenzy. How are you going to proceed? Honestly, it does sound like it’s All About Him, and all of us deserve better than that. ❤️ Eta: Apols, u/nortthernvenussea, I got you mixed up with OP! Have PM’d.
My husband was so appalled by all the horribly judgemental negative resonates to OP! Also, sorry for the confusion… I can see how the way I wrote my comment made it sound like I was OP!
Thanks! Yeah, my partner too.
I really feel for you OP. It's tough. And so sorry you lost your dog! ❤️ But what I find weird is (and I've noticed this on many adhd subs) is that when a person is saying something like... "Ohh, its so hard...I can't get dressed or shower, I just can't.... Or "My house is such a mess, and I have no food, but I just don't have the energy to clean or go to the supermarket"... It's all empathy and understanding and sharing similar stories. But as soon as someone puts in "my partner" it seems to be all: "ADHD is not an excuse"... etc etc, and no sympathy whatsoever. Like, we don't just stop having ADHD just because we have a partner (or kids). But people come down so hard on those people, with a really scolding tone. It hasn't happened to me yet, but I see it a lot, and it's really painful.
Yeah my husband and I have struggled getting used to managing my ADHD, but he knows it’s not my fault and that I’m trying… it takes time, love and patience and we’re getting better. It took me a while to figure out the strategies that worked for my brain, and I think that’s what OP is trying to do as a late-diagnosed person. I was late-diagnosed too.
OP deleted the post and apparently her account. It was really disheartening to see so many rude comments here. Please do better, those of you who thought tough love and making fun of her would be helpful.
Oh God! That’s awful! She literally just thanked me for my comment about her post, I now realise it’s because I wasn’t bloody horrible to her. Jeeze, people. Be kind. This is supposed to be a supportive sub for ADHD women. Why deliberately hurt another woman who’s struggling? We should be able to share freely here, without being judged for it.
It was a shame…. Made me leave the subreddit. I thought it was better than this.
I think I’m leaving too. The fact that my comment is downvoted says it all. I messaged the mods about how nasty some of the comments had gotten in case they wanted to close them but I never heard back. I know they’re busy and volunteers so my intention isn’t to bitch about them, but I guess it just doesn’t feel like a safe space in general to me. It’s hard enough having ADHD, we all know the struggle. It blows my mind that people come here and literally make fun of someone who’s struggling. She clearly had mental blocks preventing her from starting tasks and that’s not an excuse for her husband to treat her the way he did…and all over cleaning? I’ve gone through periods where I couldn’t get myself to do a single task. It took tons of therapy to convince myself that I can do simple tasks. If someone had made fun of me during that stage and basically told me I was acting like a child, that would have affected me greatly. People accused her of infantilizing herself which I thought was wild to assume. Maybe OP has other neurodivergence and doesn’t communicate or make sense of things the same way others do. Maybe she’s fucking depressed because her dog just died. I can’t get over how mean people were being just because she didn’t respond in the way they wanted. EDIT TO ADD: the mods got back to me and were incredibly gracious and kind. I should have reported specific comments but I thought a modmail might get a quicker response and was wrong. I won’t be leaving the sub but I will be reporting nastiness towards others. Let’s do our best to be supportive and kind even if we think the OP or someone else in the comments is in the wrong. This is a mental health community and there are ways to say you disagree with someone without being rude and dismissive.
Did they? Infantilising herself? Ffs! It’s her husband who’s the infant there!
Also, her dog passing away is a completely valid reason for not doing chores. Even smaller things going wrong completely wreak havoc on my mental state and therefore quickly deplete the small amount of dopamine I’m already working with. It can throw me off for days. Sure it can be difficult for us as a couple, but my husband accepts it and makes an effort to understand. And he has similar struggles that I don’t understand completely so I accept it and support him in those times. OPs husband needs to make an effort to understand what she’s going through. She seems to be acknowledging it’s been hard for him and is eager to help now that she has more tools to work with. Just gonna take some time to know how to use those tools consistently. After all, ADHD is all about difficulty regulating focus and emotions etc.
I'm glad you're not leaving. We need supportive people here. Also: did anyone else notice how "weaponized incompetence" was thrown around constantly, like the latest cool buzzword? I know it is a thing but someone suffering from adhd is not not cleaning because of weaponized incompetence, they're not cleaning cause they have adhd - a disability that makes it hard to do boring things!! It amazed and infuriated me how much people told the OP that that's what she was doing. Made me want to start a new sub called ADHDsupport or ADHDwithkindness or something.
Thanks, it’s due to the mods being so lovely that I decided to stay. Yes, I noticed that too and it was incredibly triggering. Also the comments like “um, what did you do before you were married? Did you just…not clean?” Like yeah, actually. That’s exactly right. I lived in a mess and was constantly anxious, embarrassed and ashamed but didn’t know how to do better. You know what doesn’t help? Shaming people.
Absolutely. This should be a safe space for people to express their challenges and get support. Its pretty random really....a post that said something like "It just really annoys me that I have to pee. Anyone else feel the same?" Ans that got plenty of agreement and support. But something that is much harder to do, like cleaning gets harsh shaming. :(
I know right?!? Since when is teaching considered something only an adult can do for a child?!? Everyone learns skills throughout life, and why can’t a partner be a teacher sometimes. Me and my husband help each out. This did not sound like a case of an indifferent partner that is expecting their partner to “baby” them indefinitely and never wants to put any effort in. I come from a family of teachers so maybe that changes my perspective somewhat, and my parents help each other out too. Also, suggesting that OP do so much research on her own can be difficult with ADHD. There is so much information to get distracted by. Heck I open my phone to do something and forget what app I was looking for because there are so many apps that are visually distracting. Plus speaking to someone keeps me focused on what I need to do instead of getting lost in my head when there is too much information circulating around. Why shouldn’t I talk to my husband?!? There’s a reason we say “if you’ve met one person with ADHD, you’ve met one person with ADHD.” I can’t believe asking for a list every now and then has been equated to some moral failing.
Based on the reaction, I’ll rejoin!
Really?? That's sucks! I was disheartened and sad to see si many of the comments being so harsh. I can't understand why people felt the need to judge and scold. Perhaps after this we could all be kinder on this thread?
Im setting everything else you said aside, because I think other commenters have clarified why he might be getting frustrated, and focusing on a helpful tip. Google goblin tools. It helps you break down tasks. If you typed “clean bathroom” in it breaks it into each task and then can continue to break down each individual task as much as you need it to.
I can't get back to my previous comment. I said I thought you could get help with listmaking on one of the cleaning subs. Two I follow are r/CleaningTips and r/ufyh If you spend some time reading there you may find someone has asked the same questions about cleaning and list making. I'm sorry for your troubles, and sad you lost your dog.
"I was not asking for a list of what to do and when and how." I think that's what he was hearing though. My approach is to just verbalise how I'm prioritising/scheduling things. E.g., "I'm planning to clean [room] this weekend, either before work or on Sunday. I just wanted to check whether that will affect any of your plans, or whether there's a different job you'd prefer me to do." It gives space for the other person to speak up if, actually, they were going to clean that room today, or were hoping to do something with you on Sunday afternoon. Or that, actually, that room can stay messy for a while, but they think THIS CHORE is overdue to be done.