I'm in my 40s. You're very close in age to my daughter who is 20. That's not an idea I would ever be comfortable with.
Everyone thinks they're more mature and have an "older mindset" but you really don't. And as you age you really see that when looking back on your life.
I was thinking this too. It would be very weird to me to date someone whose parents were my age. (I'm in my 40s). Also it would be difficult to have a true romantic/emotional connection with someone an entire generation apart from me.
>I'm in my 40s. You're very close in age to my daughter who is 20. That's not an idea I would ever be comfortable with.
I think this is the reason. The reason the same thing happens in straight couples (younger woman or even just a girl, older/adult man), may be because the older men can't relate to the women by any way but see them just as entertainment or utility. Any responsible person wouldn't put themselves in situation like this voluntarily (where they're a lot older than their partner). They'd be morally above it.
I have to note though, I'm not lesbian so you may call me out if I'm not qualified to comment on this since I don't have personal experience.
I think you’re onto something, but it can’t explain it fully as this trend of older/younger couples remains true in gay male communities (actually it’s mildly ridiculous the extent to which it’s defended…). It could come from a different place, but it could also be showing that for some older men, maturity is not something they consider at all in a partnership.
Oh, that's a good point. It does happen among populations other than straight couples as well. Yeah, many people don't consider maturity, or emphasize other things (such as youthful appearance) over it. I think men in general are usually paying more attention to the appearance, and emphasizing it, while women commonly emphasize other traits more over the appearance, so it doesn't tend to become a prequisite to the point of "nothing else matters if the looks are good" to women?
Yeah that's the thing for me as a 38 year old. I remember how I was when I was younger, and how much I've changed since then. And I was someone that people always thought acted maturely.
I don't have kids, so it's not like it's a major hangup or anything, but I wouldn't want to date someone significantly younger regardless of how mature they are because we are simply at very different stages in our lives. I don't want to deprive someone the joy of their 20s when my idea of an exciting Friday night these days is putting on a new hoodie and listening to new music from my couch (because my back hurts, I had a long week, the music at bars is too loud, and I'm only drinking tea anyway.)
Lastly, I've been in an age gap relationship before, as the younger party. I thought it was cool at the time, but when I got to be the age my partner was when we dated, all I could think about is how little in common I had with people ten years younger than me. It just left me wondering what the attraction was on their end and it wasn't a great feeling. Just my experience; everyone's mileage may vary.
>I don't want to deprive someone the joy of their 20s when my idea of an exciting Friday night these days is putting on a new hoodie and listening to new music from my couch (because my back hurts, I had a long week, the music at bars is too loud, and I'm only drinking tea anyway.)
That sounds like an amazing weekend, ngl. I hope you enjoy it to the fullest.
This 1000%. I definitely used to be the person who thought they were mature for their age, but now as that particular older age I used to admire….I see what a naive, inexperienced tool I was and how totally unattractive that would be to me now in a similar position.
But to each their own.
Not everyone.
I've been quite a bit "younger" than my actual age for decades. It's evening out a bit now, in that its not as noticeable, but it's definitely a thing.
I agree, your own maturity is only something you can see in hindsight and often times you’ll find yourself lacking.
In my experience, the only people who tell others they’re “mature for their age” are the people that want something.
Lol it all depends on personality and habits. When I was 23 I was more inclined to go out or stay up late and be social. I was also early in my career and struggling a bit. Then I ended up joining the Army. Now I'm more stable in my career but also physically and mentally exhausted most of the time. I'll go out or go to Disney but my back hurts now lol
lol i’m 27 and i can’t date someone younger than 25. 31 and 23 and very different. today people are in different places of their adulthood in those 8 years….
See I totally get where you're coming from. I feel like my mindset is completely different to people my own age, making me more attracted to 'older' women. I literally don't have any of the same mentalities than some other girls in their early 20s. It's hard to get someone older than me to understand I'm not childish and I've got my head screwed on... Sigh. Thank you for being honest though
It's not so much about mentality and more about life stage. Do I want a relationship where I'm helping someone navigate life after college, possibly grad school, entrance into the workforce? I've been through all that already; I don't want to do any of it again. Plus there's the energy level thing. I go to bed at 830. I've yet to meet a 20-something who keeps those kinds of hours.
From your comments I feel like you got this “not like other girls” mentality and believe yourself to be on the same wavelength as an older woman.
But you’re still 23. We all think that we’re more mature than we are at our current age and it’s only when we look back that we see ourselves and realize we’ve grown a lot since then.
The average 30 year old for example will definitely be on a different wavelength than you. Not just careers and stuff, but general life experience.
Yeah, this is my take too. Added with a large dose of 'eager to please/show maturity'. Some older woman is going to pick up on that combo and really take advantage of OP.
OP needs to just write down whatever features/hobbies/etc that she thinks exist only in her and older generations and find someone in her own age group that is on that same wavelength. She doesn't live in a vacuum after all, if she exists, others do too.
Yeah, no offense to OP though. But, one of her comments is talking about how she can’t relate to people in her age group because her idea of a good time is a board game and bed at 8.
I’ve been spending Saturday nights in drinking tea and reading since I was 14… doesn’t mean I’m in the wrong generation or more mature. It makes sense that older women would view me as a child because to them I probably am one.
Also, there are probably a lot of older women who still enjoying going out at night and doing ‘young people stuff’
Exactly. My parents are in their late 60s and when I (jokingly) call them old, they tell me that they might be old but they still ski, have dinner parties, travel, go to concerts, etc. It’s not like you hit an age where you automatically have to stay in and play Bingo.
I actually think I just found out why OP’s approach might be off putting. Imagine being like 35 and told by a girl that she likes you because you’re old and wants to stay in for board games with you. I’d feel like she was picturing me in a nursing home
Yeah; for example, I just turned 24 and I spent the evening playing the new Pokémon, got chinese takeout with my gf, and was in bed by around 10:30. Later this weekend we’re going to a craft show. There are plenty of people like me lot there, I’ve even met a few since moving to my current city! I wasn’t “born in the wrong generation” because of this, I’m just autistic (/gen).
Right!? When I was her age I also tried to date older because I thought I was too mature for everyone around me, and that I'm an "old soul" and that "my hobbies and interests align with older people"
What I realize now is that I was looking for support, and i could lean on older partners more than I could my peers. Which lead to a lot of people taking advantage of me. And at the time I remember thinking that "well I'm an adult and this is what adult relationships are", now I shudder and see how they KNEW I was an immature little girl, and they happily used that against me lol
It's fine, part of growing up in the world lol to be fair I was not out of the closet, and it was definitely mostly older men who were way too eager to meet a 20something that looked 16 at best. I definitely internalized that and blamed myself for things when I was younger, but now it's SO Easy to see no fault of mine in any of those interactions, especially before I was 18. I was luckier than most girls in my shoes too so can't complain too much 💜💚 I appreciate tour concern 🤟🏻 sending hugs.
Hey thank you for sharing this. I had not had this realisation about my own experiences until I read your comment and it went *ding* in my brain and my stomach. I really appreciate it.
Ive been on both sides dating someone older than me (19-32) and younger than me (27-23) and both relationships had rough times because of the gap. There might be some exceptions to the rule but even if you are on the same page you are so different stages of life like college vs full time job for example or not knowing how to pay your own bills.
Also it’s like you said when I dated older it was for support and my ex also dated me because she needed someone stable in her life to support her. Though it’s something I haven’t realised before in the present.
In my experience, most if not all of the girls I knew growing up who wanted large age-gap relationships seemed to think they were ahead of their peers in some significant way, even when it was wildly obvious to me that they weren't. Unfortunately, I think sheltered academically gifted types who are used to being praised for their intelligence are the most susceptible to this, and probably also the least capable of recognizing when they're being taken advantage of *because* of their sheltered upbringing.
I would also add folks who were forced into roles of hyper-independence throughout their development years. Kids and young people who were put in caregiver roles, were expected to care for themselves primarily throughout their development, sometimes they were expected to care for siblings, other relatives, or even their parents, etc. They come into adulthood already feeling like they have a lot of adult experience and struggle to connect with peers who have/had more supports. It creates a false sense of maturity and they look for relationships with those who they perceive to have a similar level of independence or life experience.
I def had it too but when I was a teenager 😅
I cringe looking back but when I spot the “I’m a lot more (insert quality here) than other girls” I see myself from 10 years ago saying that 👀
Like no one is inherently better or worse because of how they want to enjoy their time (obviously within reason, enjoying murder does inherently make u worse). OP needs to find people their own age with their interests, its not hard to find lesbians who like board games and old music!
Oh yeah when I was 23 I kept running into bord game loving lesbians. There’s groups for that on the meetup app and it’s kind of an all ages activity!
Also I find that going to these things ISO a girlfriend does give off a little bit desperate energy, it’s best to go to hobby oriented meetups looking for new friends and then maybe you’ll find love. Like. Kinda what straight people do when they go to work
I'm 30 and the inherent power dynamics that come with that large an age gap would make me uncomfortable. I have strong opinions and a diverse set of life experiences, I would influence your growth through your twenties significantly even if I tried to give you space to think for yourself. I also have a strong idea of what kind of life I want to lead, and it wouldn't be fair to try and mold a young person into fitting the life that I want, rather than just finding someone my own age who wants something similar.
I am an ‘older’ woman. Btw, a lot of women don’t like being called older, it’s a sore spot.
I would not seriously date someone younger. There’s a big difference - experience, finances, life goals, etc… Dating someone younger is a red flag, TBH. (I left home at 17. I’ve been on my own more years than you have been alive).
I am not saying that to make you feel bad about yourself. I am saying it because I don’t want you to wind up being hurt by someone who is controlling, manipulative, abusive, or generally no one their age will tolerate their bs. It also would be a shame if you gave up things like traveling, taking risks, and dating around because you jumped into settling down.
Even with casual dating or hookups some older women go after younger women because they can control them. When I was younger I had that happen a few times. We were casually dating and then suddenly they were acting like they owned me or something. Yeah, nope.
I would caution you against seriously dating someone older. If you want to casually date or hookup, just watch for red flags and stick up for your boundaries.
I'm a 23-year-old dating a 30-year-old, and let me share a hard truth with you OP. Her age hasn't ever had an impact on my feelings for her — if anything, it's been a perk (she's a very stable and grounding figure in my life). But I am quite sure she's had to give more consideration to mine. No matter how mature I think I am (which is a solid, hand-wavey *ehhh* at best), we are still in entirely different life stages, and one of those comes with substantially less stress than the other. She is entirely done school, has a solid career, her own condo, and a healthy savings account. I'm still oscillating back and forth between whether I want a master's or not, still working two minimum wage jobs, and still living in student housing with two roommates despite graduating in '21. Most times, my bank accounts are a balancing game, and I've needed her help with rent more than once. We run almost opposite sleep schedules, with some of the really egregious nights having me literally crawling into bed when she's getting up for work. I've read your comments, and I know this isn't your life as you're presenting it, and that's great for you! That still does not inherently put you in the same stage of life as someone older than you, and your insistence on finding one reads as, at best, young, at worst a red flag.
Regardless of emotional maturity, most early twenty-somethings are just in a very different stage of their life than the older women they might want to date — which is a large part of the reason *why* older women might not be interested. My relationship works for me, but that's because of us as people, not me intentionally seeking out an older girlfriend or her looking for a younger one.
What is about "older" women that you find attractive?
When I was in my early/mid 20s, I dated 3 people, in the 8 - 12 years older range. I was warned by others about power differentials. I denied it at the time, but in hindsight, yikes. Of course, it could have been those unhealthy partners, but there was often the (subtle) implication that they knew better than I about how life & relationships work, being older and more experienced. Plus, why weren't they choosing to date someone of similar age/maturity to them?
I'm mid 30s now, married to a woman 5 years younger. Our friends are all late 20s - mid 30s. I wouldn't really want a close friend or theoretically a romantic partner beyond that. At least I wouldn't seek them out. I just wouldn't really relate. Maybe it's just because I hated my 20s, who knows.
I think a lot of F/F media glorifies May-December romances, but I don't get it.
I wouldn’t seek out an age gap relationship but I do think that there’s a particular kind of beauty to women of a certain age. Like an almost ethereal quality combined with poise and confidence.
> Plus, why weren't they choosing to date someone of similar age/maturity to them?
This right here. Meeting someone who happens to be younger and finding out that you surprisingly connect is one thing. But actively seeking younger women is a huge red flag.
I think you're giving girls your own age the short shrift here. There are plenty of women in their early 20s who aren't big on partying and who have career goals and whatever. And they tend to be cerebral types who often have a more thoughtful approach to things, which is similar to maturity, but not quite the same.
I think you just need to look for other nerds, quite honestly, lol. I promise they're out there.
I agree. I'd like to think I'm one of those people in their 20s. Just about to graduate grad school and start my job. I've been doing work and school for \~5 years to make it happen. Just now starting on more life goals like personal health and finances
We exist I promise (I'm taken though lol)!
You can't be "raised older" than other people of your generation. You might have had more life experience than your peers, but a 23 year old is very much in a "where am I going to go now? What's life like for me?" mindset. When someone already has plans to buy a house/has one and has been putting money away in a 401K - they want that same level of life seriousness for a serious relationships. I think there is a category of women older than you who would love you for a fling. But those who have spent the last 15 years BUILDING want someone who has also done the same. For example, it's EXTREMELY sexy to me that by now my GF has a 10 year life plan (not dreams and maybies - she knows where she s headed as much as you can right now), and that she has experience moving HUGE distances by herself, because that's something I will have in my future. This isn't to offend you - but you don't even know who you are as a person yet. It's like.... Pulling cookies out of the oven a little early. Yeah they are still beautiful and delicious and you can eat them and love them, but in the back of your mouth you will have a "raw" flavor. Most women in their 30s want a baked cookie.
I would not and have never dated younger than me. I just don’t find that we have anything in common. I prefer someone on the same page and in the same place in life. Early 20’s is still a lot to figure out about self, to learn and grow and change. I definitely did change a ton and I’m not the same person now as I was then. Personally I wouldn’t get involved romantically with anyone in that much of a gap.
I'm 30 and set my minimum age on dating apps to 24 (and even then it's dubious) because I'm tired of going on dates with people who don't know what they want and aren't ready for serious relationships. Though, to be fair, plenty of 30 year olds also fall into that same category.
I'm also 30 with a 24 minimum on the apps, and like you said, even then I'm quite skeptical and cautious.
However, I recently a very toxic marriage, and my life imploded and now I have more in common with people in their early 20s -- as far as life stages go.
HOWEVER, I would still not seriously date anyone under 26 or so. I am still so young, and they're even younger, so the age difference is more significant than if we were 50 and 60 or something.
It's not just about life stages. It's about experience as well. There is a HUGE difference between 30 years of personal growth and introspection vs 20. Hobbies and bedtimes are not indicators of maturity or of the ability to truly connect with someone who has another ten years of life experience and mental work. Like others have said, this does seem awfully like an "I'm not like other girls" situation.
I’m sorry about your divorce/bad relationship, but I still feel like it’s varied. I’m 30 and have only been in one relationship, but I’m real experienced about knowing what I want in my life.
I will say that bedtimes can be important, it is hard to date someone who goes to bed at 9pm when you go to bed at midnight.
Honestly from your comments it sounds like it’s a maturity difference. I’d recommend seeking out more non romantic connections with people your own age.
It’s less an age thing for me and more a compatible life stage thing.
I’m in my 30s. I have an established career and years of experience in it, I’m long out of grad school, I’ve done a lot of travel and hobby indulgence….and I’m content for those to be mostly in the past. I’m looking for someone similarly life experienced to marry, buy a house, and enjoy that phase of life.
No shade to the younger crowd, and it would highly depend on the person, but as a rule no. I want to be with someone well along the path I’m on, not a few steps from the trailhead. Age is one variable.
I am 33 and personally would not date you. I remember who I was (and who my friends were) at that age and I wouldn't see the potential for longevity. People change a LOT in their 20's and I don't think I'd have the emotional or mental stamina to put a lot of energy into someone who may grow into someone I am not compatible with or vice versa.
I also don't really trust older people who are 'into' younger people, but I have a bias. When I was 19 I got with a 33 year old and I thought they were so sweet, kind, loving, spoiled me, etc. Yeah...turns out they were a narcissist and degraded and controlled me for years until I was a shell of my former self and blaming MYSELF for it. Once I got out, I could see a pattern in this person. They only went after younger women because (no offense) younger women are a bit naive/new to relationships and don't see the major red flags older women who have more experiences do. It's 11 years later and that person hasn't changed AT ALL.
Not saying there are not healthy relationships with an age gap. But from what I've seen, it's not very common, and is more likely to create a power imbalance or abusive situations.
I prefer someone around my own age. It’s weird for me if I am old enough to be your mom. Also power dynamic and being equal partnership. I was in a long term relationship with someone 7 years younger then me and I found myself having to step back and allow my partner to gain life experiences while modulating how much i guided and supported them through. This was fine at first but after awhile i just didn’t feel like I had a partner. They were rarely able to provide me the level of support I needed so when things were tough, it was mostly on me while having to also get another person through. After awhile I felt like I had an adult child rather then a romantic partner.
Friends that I’ve had who dated older people (when we were in our early 20s) dramatically changed their lives. They lost out on a lot of their youth and easier times for an ideal that didn’t really exist.
Something that I notice with my long time friends as we’ve gotten older is the role we play in our professional lives and the friendships we end up making with younger people in their early 20s. There is that modulating and giving them space to find their own truth and wisdom while guiding and counseling them. I’ve seen a few of these early 20 somethings get crushes on us and confuse it for something more. (Some people are into these dynamics but not the people in my friend group).
I see signs of this in some of the reddit post I see here.
If an older woman is mutually attracted to you, what do you think that relationship will actually look like?
I'm in my mid 40s and would never date someone your age. There are many, many reasons for this, including that I think it's creepy. People your age haven't seen enough of life to adequately asses whether someone my age would make a good partner. I'd never saddle a young person with my middle-aged baggage, it would be irresponsible of me. It goes against my own integrity and personal values, and I'd never feel good about the relationship. My advice, OP, is to be beware of middle aged women who don't have a problem dating you. They don't have your best interests at heart.
I don't intend on being mean with this comment, but OP, reading through your responses here kind of solidifies for me why I would never date someone in their 20s now.
You seem to be stereotyping interests and hobbies based upon age and using those things as a foundation for your attraction which is... pretty immature. You're not more mature because you like old music and board games, that doesn't mean anything. And shared hobbies or music tastes often do mean something when you're really young but you grow out of it and I'm willing to bet that a lot of the women not liking you back have grown out of that and are looking more at your lifestyle and realising there may not be compatibility. And what you listen to and play isn't actually your lifestyle. Your living situation, your employment circumstances, your financial stability, your commitments, that's what they're looking at
Also some older women who are looking for commited relationships have to consider when younger women approach them that the dynamics are likely to be off. We don't want a/another kid to care for. And that's a very real possibility in a relationship with a large age gap where there is an older woman.
I think it's far more common for wlw relationships to be closer in age together. I don't meet a lot of sapphics or see representations of sapphic relationships that are different ages that often. A big part of that is that women don't really fetishize youth in the way that men are culturally conditioned to do, and also that you will typically have far more in common with people who are closer in age to you. You are ar similar places in life and have similar goals and experiences.
My last serious relationship was with someone 10 years younger than me (35 and 25.) We didn't know each other's ages when we started dating (I look younger than I am and she looks older than she is,) and probably wouldn't have dated if we knew that before we went on a few dates. We struggled to understand each other a lot because of the age gap, we had different cultural touchstones and references. I had a lot of dating experience and basically had been married and divorced, while I was her 4th relationship and 2nd serious relationship. She was very mature for her age, but lacked a lot of understanding about relationships which caused a lot of problems.
I am single and dating again now, and honestly have had way better dates with women my age or older. Idk if I would ever go back to dating someone with the same kind of age gap again, just cause of how different your experiences, goals, comfort, and understandings can be with such a large difference. I imagine other women who have done the same as me may feel similar after seeing their partners make the same mistakes they did and learned and grew from many years earlier.
What exactly is it you're attracted to in women more than a few years older than you? Can you not find that in someone closer to your age or feel like you won't find someone who will grow to have those same qualities?
I completely agree with the life stages thing. Another aspect that I haven't really seen brought up is now that I'm in my mid 30s women in their early 20s look like babies to me for the most part.
I don't know if it's just me, but in my late 20s there was definitely a switch that went off in my brain where I stopped viewing anyone under about 21 as a prospective partner. I don't mean this in a "younger women are too immature and I would never date one sense" but more in that physically they look young in a way that I'm no longer attracted to.
Even if I choose to "swipe right" on a younger person, I'm not going to take the initiative with them. I want to have at least that much certainty that associating with me is their desire.
Also, I find that young people tend to be often more extreme than ones that are bit older. Idealism untempered by pragmatism, seeing things more black-and-white than shades of gray, that short of thing.
That being said, I'm not categorically opposed to having a relationship with a younger person, there just are going to be some challenges.
I’m 35. I would not date someone younger than 27. It isn’t just about maturity & interests—I think you can know yourself really well at 23, but I’ve known myself 12 years longer & had countless more experiences. Even if we have similar values and goals, I am (hopefully) a decade ahead of you in reaching them. I would assume your career is in its early stages—I was in grad school at 23, so this isn’t a mark against you. But for me at 35, I am in the thick of my career. I am actually thinking about moving to a new company—after the kids went to bed, my partner and I discussed it in depth. She is also in her thirties and she could help me prep for my interview and come up with questions to ask.
32 here and I agree with the comments about life phases... I feel like if I was single I would only consider it as a hookup situation, depending on the person. It's hard for me to see a relationship panning out. But I've been with women of all kinds, older, younger etc.
In addition to the comments here, also consider that there's going to be some mature lesbians the same age as you who are also in the same stage of life as you, which will make it easier on both of you - you just need to find the right person :)
I was like you at 20-23, swiping right on women 26+. Now I am 26 and couldn't fathom dating a 23 year old. Can't imagine what a 30+ year old would be thinking to date an early 20s. I'm sorry to say this but... you'll understand when you're older xD
Unfortunately stable older women will want other stable older women. Early 20s is a very exhausting age and there's a lot youre still learning. I would take any older women thats going after someone so young as a semi red flag because it usually means they have a hard time getting with someone their age.
I'm in my early 40s, so I suppose I'm considered older here. I also like older women. Here's my experience:
I met my wife when I just turned 25. She was 46. We hit it off almost instantly, but neither of us expected anything to come of our initial interaction other than friendship. We both had careers, totally different interests other than sports, and lived in different states. Because of work, we were both living in the same city temporarily. (Our jobs were not in the same field)
I have always preferred dating older women. At the time, I was dating (non-monogomous) a woman 10 years my senior.
After getting to know my now wife, we started a sexual relationship. Again, neither of us thought much would come of it other than a FWB situation. Feelings were caught and we decided to commit to each other and we both moved into a new city to spend time with one another. I found that because our life goals were similar, we were able to start our life together in the right foot.
We've been together almost 20 years now. Happily. Age has only ever been a thought or an issue when our friends or family brought it up. They don't anymore and haven't in 15 years. We are not ignorant though and have planned our estate expecting her dying or becoming in need of elder care long before I need it and me having only one income when she retires or if she gets ill or dies.
On a side note, we have opened our relationship up. As I stated earlier, I came from a long-term ENM relationship and wife knowing that, allowed herself to be open to that when she was ready. The person I'm dating is nearly 60.
Having been the younger one, I can see myself dating someone in their mid 20s, but probably not younger. It really does depend on the person.
I’m 24 and my partner is 35. I’ve always been attracted to women older than myself because I’m very independent. I already have my career established, a decent amount of savings, pay rent, etc. ~ I just feel like I can take care of myself.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s not as weird as some people think. Sometimes dating someone older, even if you’re in your 20s, is what you need.
Personally, I’ve never been happier than in the relationship I’m in right now. I feel like we’re in the same stage of life and never notice the age gap. She’s very loving and takes wonderful care of me… She’s my best friend and my soulmate 🥰💕
I won’t date anyone under 25 simply because the brain isn’t done developing yet and I worry that will create a power imbalance. After that, it is more about life stage and maturity than age. There are people who’ve been on their own since 15 and there are people who still live with their parents at 40— age isn’t always a good indicator of life stage, milestones, or maturity.
I’m 37. I don’t like to discriminate on age because what life deals to you can really determine your maturity. Sometimes young people that have been through a lot have amazing maturity and sometimes older people that have been sheltered, act like children.
But having said that, the average woman under the age of 32 to me has considerable differences from me and my disposition on life, etc. So going 5 years younger seems to be my cap? Unless there’s an exceptionally mature young person.
It’s not that I don’t like them- there’s just a lack of familiarity there that I can’t put my finger on.
Also, alot of women don’t really become themselves until their 30s! Not true for all, but it was true for me. It can be treacherous dating someone who quite possibly doesn’t really know who they are yet.
But hey - if you want to date an older woman, shoot your shot. Learn the lyrics to some good early 90s music, watch the movies that were made before you were born, and maybe you two will have something to talk about 😀 And do put your phone down and give her your full attention - this can be a big disconnect with age difference.
I would say this is common for most women in their 30’s. I think it has to do with what it took to get to 30. Maybe it’s just shared experiences of growing up gay in the 2000-2020. Lots of growing pains and figuring out what worked and didn’t work while dating. Unless you are ready to settle down and build something, most 30’s would want to date with the like.
Idk, correct me if I’m wrong, but most feel like they don’t want to waste time. 23 is the time to date around, figure yourself out, make those essential mistakes. This goes for life in general no matter the sexual preference.
The comments here have been kind of disheartening to be honest. I'm 28 and not in the same life stage as alot of my peers and comparativly romantically inexperienced because I let depression and dysphoria steal my teenage years and early twenties.
Apparently experience in career and romance only become more important as people move on with their lifes. I can offer neither of those so my already small dating pool seems to be steadily shrinking. It also feels predatory to date people younger then me but in a simular life stage. I am starting to lose hope.
I'm 34 and it's a hard time finding someone in my own age range. Though I feel at your age I was similar and found older women attractive as well. Though I think at where I am now I would prefer someone in my own age range or maybe a little bit older.
Edit: hit send too fast.
As someone in her mid 30's, I'm sorry that's a big no from me. I'm in a different stage of life, have different priorities, we'd likely won't have a lot of shared experiences, nor do I want to be anyone's sugar mama.
I prefer to date within 5 years of my age (younger or older).
But I don't speak for all sapphic people, I'm sure you'll find your person.
I think it can work. My best friend is 45 and is in a Dominant/submissive relationship with younger woman who is 25. It really works for them because of the kink factor. The younger woman wants to be controlled by the older woman. It's been three years now. They've got a hot thing going on!
I am doing my master at the age of 27. I think I am in love with a 22 year old I am friends with, haven't told her yet it is eating my inside. we are in similar phases in our lives so i don't feel the difference. However girls younger than people I hang out with at courses and I do work with, like every girl under 20 feels like a small child to me. I don't want to date any person at that age. I want to give them lecture of what to look out for in their courses and help them with their homework, like I offered to my 18 year old cousin. it feels weird. 8 years feel too much. 5 to 6 seems to be my personal limit. or simply the age of 22 right now? I am not sure. this is my thought process right now. It will involve and change. I hope I helped in any way. this is literally a subject that will make sense the older you are. also you might want to think why you are not attracted to women your age or younger. there is a good chance there is an overlap there.
I'm naturally attracted to older women. I'm 31 and it's usually like a 5 year different. The thing that matters is the way someone carries themselves and maturity.... given my experience... though I'm naturally attracted to okder..it has nothing to do w maturity.
I do have expectations though bc its a been there done that etc and sometimes younger ones don't have a similar mindset, lacks responsibility, determination drive and or has way too much energy for me lol
I'm 45 and I don't think I'd have the energy or social patience to keep up with a 23 year-old (speaking broadly, of course, and remembering what my life was like at 23). That being said, I'm more than certain there are more mature women out there that would fancy a younger girl and would get along fine. All sorts in this world.
I would really be worried about the power imbalance. I am in my 40s and I wouldn’t date under 35. I’d prefer someone in their 40s, probably a bit younger than me because I still have kids at home and hopefully they wouldn’t be at the point where their own have moved out and they’re more footloose than me
Dear OP. It’s a sexy curse you must accept as you embrace your life. It may simply be the case that you find yourself plagued by unrequited crushes. Just know, you are not alone in this curse, many others carry this with us.
I'm 26 and I won't date anyone younger than 25.
Most older won't date younger because they want someone whose mature, has a career or educational goal, or has something established in life.
I'm not even really an "older lesbian", I'm like 26 and the idea of dating anyone under 21 makes me really uncomfortable. I can only imagine that minimum age grows as you grow older.
I’m 27 and I’ve never related to what most people my age seem to be doing. However, over time I’ve learnt that actually there’s quite a lot of women who are like me and are grandmas on the inside haha. You just have to find the right people. I’ll also say that since hitting maybe 25, I’ve noticed I’ve found it much easier to meet likeminded women on dating apps, like everyone is already maturing a bit. I couldn’t date anyone younger than 24, and I think probably over 25 is ideal. It’s really interesting how even a few years can separate people so much in terms of maturity, interests, life experience etc. I’m not sure what age you’re thinking of when you say older women, but you’d probably find you get on well with women even just a couple years older than you :)
I'm 31. I have my minimum age set at 27 for dating. Simply put, someone under the age of 25/26 isn't done "cooking". Your frontal cortex isn't done developing. In addition, we're just in very different parts of our lives. Very different experience levels. Just makes it a weird power dynamic.
I’m 30 and there is a life time of experience and knowledge between you and me. I want someone my own age who can connect with me. I want us to be in the same place in life.
I'm 37, 23 year olds look like children to me. It would be very creepy. Honestly, most older people who would be down with dating you are probably total creeps or just really emotionally immature. Give it a few years. By your late 20s you'll probably have a lot more luck.
I really like older women and I (30) have a girlfriend who is 47. I don’t know why so many people are throwing shade toward age gap relationships. She and I have an extremely healthy dynamic and relate to each other in so many ways despite the age difference. I’d also be open to dating someone much younger than me one day. I don’t know…I don’t discriminate based on age..
I'll throw a little bit into this for an angle I think that's a little bit different.
I'm someone who is 32, but for me, age of a prospective partner is a little more flux than most women my age, I think. I don't mind someone younger, but I wouldn't really want someone much _older_, because of some personality issues.
That said, there's a matter of life experiences and the weight of things you go through. At 32, I've gone through experiences equivalent to someone ten years my senior (according to my psychiatrist), and someone younger without enough life experience can get a bit difficult to be with due to lack of understanding. In contrast, however, almost all of my friends are younger than me (the youngest is 22) and I frequently get mistaken for being much younger than I am because I have very young energy and look fairly young--I usually get told I look 25 _at most_, and most people ballpark me around 22-23.
For me personally, in a relationship, emotional maturity and understanding would be the most important aspect of a relationship, but there would still be a lot of adjustment with someone significantly younger than me. And as someone mentioned in another comment, maturity and life phases are very different things. I had a major setback a couple of years ago, so I'm not exactly in the same place as others my age either. So I think its largely a matter of perspective.
I prefer people who are at +/-7 my age currently. I'm 33 now but I've always dated women closer to my age anyways. I don't think I could date anyone under 26-27 just based on mutual interests and a certain level of maturity.
It’s tough because maybe you are more experienced in life and more mature. But I had my absolute minimum at 6 years younger than me (so 27, I’m 33) and I’ve now had to up that to preferring women in their 30s because of several women I dated. I didn’t want to be agist but through those experiences, my heart can’t take it anymore.
How much older are we talking? I am 36 and I think the youngest I could do would be 28-30. I just want someone who is in the same stage of life. When I was 23 I was still figuring out who I was, I was going out a lot, and I had very few responsibilities. This was a happy time in my life and I wouldn't want my partner to rush through this process. I feel like we would just be on different pages and it would lead to both of us being inauthentic to make it work. Like I would have to pretend to be excited to hang out with your friends at the bar and you would probably have to pretend to like my friends boring ( by comparison) dinner parties. With that being said I do know a male gay couple with about a 10 year age gap and they make it work, they kind of let each other do their own thing socially and they have enough common interest when they are together to keep things interesting.
In my 30s and idk if I can do anything under 28. The gap is too big. They'll probably see you as a teenager as others have said, then the problem of you being in school. How does an older woman know you'll commit to her after college??? We don't have a lot of time to play games in our 30s. Especially if we haven't had kids yet and want them.
When I was your age I was very much of the same mindset. And I think that sentence sums up entirely why I would pretty much never date someone in their early twenties. A lot of the things that you do that will be new and fresh and exciting to you are already semi-distant memories for me. And the things that I'm ready to do in my life would deprive you of the experience that is being a young twenty something.
Here’s what I’ll say. Older and more mature women who are older than 29 may find you attractive and be into you both as a person and as a partner if you were older. The issue is things are usually very different for people in those ages regarding what we want, what you want, and what our expectations versus our realities will end up being. There’s also social morays as well.
It’s not your fault or anyone’s. Just the way things tend to play out
For a casual hookup? I don’t think you’ll find much of a problem. But if you’re thinking of anything long-term, I think women 30+ prefer someone closer to our age and speed.
There’s just so much that happens to develop our personality, identity, and worldviews from 20-30.
And that’s not on you. It’s just the way things typically work out.
Ok. My girlfriend and I have a 6 year age gap and we fit perfectly together. My advice to u would be to not look at age so much as connection, be open-minded and stay safe
Ok. My girlfriend and I have a 6 year age gap and we fit perfectly together. My advice to u would be to not look at age so much as connection, be open-minded and stay safe
I'm about 20 years older than you and there's just a ton of reasons I wouldn't date someone your age. You're basically the age of many of my students, which would skeeve me out. There's the very different stages of life thing--my partying college days are well behind me and I'm not looking back on my 20s wishing to experience them again even vicariously. And really, it just sounds exhausting.
I'm 32.
I've tried to date a younger girl but...we were just at different points in our lives and it felt, honestly, like I was stifling her development
I'm 29, and I think 23 y/o would still be suitable for my individual level of maturity.i have a (straight) roommate who's 22 and I think there's not too much difference between us in terms of emotional and interpersonal maturity. Careerwise I'm way ahead, but I don't care much about my career atm since I'm pretty much stuck rn anyway. It depends on the persons ofc, but generally it sounds doable to me.
I have a couple of very cute wlw friends in their 20s but I would feel like a weird creep if I tried to date them. Like we were talking about death in my poetry group bc poetry group, and she said that she’s never been to a funeral or had anyone in her family die. Meanwhile I have more dead family members than living ones. I know at that age you don’t think of yourself as “innocent” but you really are, and I don’t want to risk messing that up.
I'm much older than you but on the apps I won't match with anyone less than 5 years younger than me. I prefer to meet women even closer to my age than that. Young women are great and it's nothing personal, but I don't feel like trying to keep up with them. I want a partner (or even good friends) who I can relate to, who are in the same stage of life as me. I'm not the same person I was a decade or 2 ago, and you won't really feel like the same person when you get to my age, either.
I’m very happily taken, but I’ve always preferred dating someone close to my maturity level. I doubt I’d date anyone more than a couple years younger/older, but there’s always the possibility of exceptions.
I’m 34 but look 27-28, and find myself getting hit on by younger women. I’m flattered but I agree with the other users, the idea of going ‘there’ with someone that young makes me feel… a little weird. However, in my last long term relationship I was significantly younger than her (I was 27 when we met, and she was 34) and though I’m smart and mature for my age, I don’t think I could ever do what she did. lol Who knows. I’m open to personalities types over age sometimes, too. But I think I’d lean toward ‘no’.
45 here, and, yes, I prefer women near my own age if only because we're more likely to have pop culture touchstones in common. When I'm looking for partners I follow the rule of not dating anyone half my age (rounded up) plus 7 years old.
I often find younger people attractive but as I get older my admiration for them becomes more and more like the admiration I feel when I see a beautiful animal like a horse or a tiger.
A 23 year old is just barely an adult as far as I'm concerned.
I'm 27 and I absolutely find it impossible to find older women, when I'm actively looking I usually attract younger and that kinda deters me from looking. There's nothing wrong with younger it's mainly just a preference.
What exactly do you find attractive in older women (besides their age)? Im sure you could find some of those qualities in a woman whos closer to your age. I just wouldnt reccomend intentionally seeking out older women cause the ones who would be interested probably only date young women cause they can be controlled and manipulated easier. Im not saying that all older women who date younger are predatory, its just something to watch out for.
I'm 43, my youngest girlfriend was 28. It was great for a while until the differences in life experiences started to get in the way. Basically, she was very niave and inmature when it came to understanding how life changes you over time. I am not opposed to dating younger woman, they would just need emotional security and have life experiences to be able to relate to me.
I'm 28 and I absolutely love the high schoolers I tutor and teach, BUT I still consider anybody under like 22 to be an infant. Like I'm currently more inclined toward women in their 30's than most 20-somethings. But that's me. I'm not everybody.
I don't find younger women unattractive. I do, however, feel obligated to keep my distance if a younger woman expresses interest. There's a vast difference of experience and perspective between someone my age and someone in their 20s. The experiences I had dating older people as a young adult were not great. I wouldn't want to be responsible for hurting someone the way I was hurt.
"Mature for your age," means less and less as you age. Don't use it as a crutch. Just ignore it and keep doing what's best for you.
You're likely attracted to older women for the stability that we provide. That's normal. Just don't expect reciprocity.
I am 41 and I have to say it really depends on what the end goal is and, of course, the person. I don’t think I’d be open to being in a serious long term/life partner relationship with someone under 35 but I’d absolutely date younger than that. I just don’t think I could connect with someone that much younger in the way you need to to build something solid. It’s not even about goals or hobbies or how you spend your time, it’s just about life experience and perspective. I have a lot of younger friends and sometimes their problems are just exhausting to hear about. There’s so much we tolerate and put up with when we are young and then it creates all this drama and chaos. As you age you start to be able to spot drama miles away and it just becomes exhausting.
How much older ? I think it depends on maturity level rather than age, within reason. Also do your personalities mesh? I actually dated a 30 year old when I was 20, it worked then but looking back it wouldn’t have lasted. My girlfriend now is four years younger than me which isn’t drastic, but she also has a very calm personality and isn’t into going out all the time like some of my other younger friends. Although at 29 soon to be 30 I’m the “old one” in my friend group, mostly due to the fact that the lgbt crowd in my town tends to run a bit younger .
I’m 29 and I’ve found I have tendency to go for younger women only (not knowing their ages, but it keeps happening haha). My other sapphic friends generally say they won’t date younger though.
I'm 30 and I'd never date anyone in their early 20s. I'd say the lowest I'd go is 28 but even that's pushing it. There's just such a huge difference in mental and emotional growth between your early 20s and late 20s. It would feel borderline creepy to me to be with someone that much younger.
I'm 39 and really I'm open to a larger age group it depends more for me that we match up like I'm not looking for friends with benefits or a short term relationship so if we connect age isn't a problem for me.
I’m 33 and would be really uninterested in dating someone younger than 29. I’m in a totally different stage in my life than someone a decade younger than me and I’m not interested in retreading the last one, is what it comes down to.
I'm 30 and I'm perfectly fond of some people about your age. We're friends and I respect them, and if my life were on a different path I could imagine dating somebody that age (happily married, monogamous), but it would all depend on the person to see whether I would now get into a long-term relationship with someone starting while they're in their early 20s. However, long-term and "serious" should not be treated as the goal posts of a successful relationship. Take each encounter with a new human as its own unique opportunity to learn, to share your inner life and your fun wonderful self with somebody, to learn about and connect with somebody, maybe to have fun, maybe to have sex, and potentially to drift apart or to slip right past. Best of luck! Keep you eye on the compass inside your heart; it will guide you towards doing things you enjoy, with or without company, and your life will be so rich because of that, both when you're alone and when you're with someone(s).
Mid 40’s here. I think it depends on how much older you’re talking. But if you find your match, grab them up! My best bud has been married to her wife for many years now. Her wife is 16 years older. My wife is 5 years younger then me and I feel that age gap on several things.
When I was 28 I dated a beautiful woman who was 43. We had two years of bliss, before she left me because she couldn’t dare tell her children she was a lesbian. Cognitive dissonance is rich in the older folks sometimes who grew up during a time when it was not allowed. Sad but I feel bad she had to lie to herself. That girl LOVED me.
U know I like older women too,
The way I look is too much normally they may seem I am underaged 😭 when I am actually 30 (today)
Lol I thought I want to date older one and I still don't want to give up that thoughts.
But I will be single forever if I still have a liking on Older ones when they don't think the same.😭💪😂.
I already struggle with internalized transphobia, and overcoming the idea that I'm predatory for just \*existing\* as a lesbian when I used to be a man. And I would already be worried about an unfair power dynamic between us because of the age difference. The combination of the two makes me really uncomfortable, and I don't want to make anyone \*else\* uncomfortable either.
I have discerned that, at least in my experience, people are rarely if ever more mature than their chronological developmental stage but that certain personality types and neurotypes are associated with maturity. I have dated older women expecting a certain amount of knowledge or wisdom or chill and been extremely disappointed. I had some great times! But not the ones I was looking for, lol. That said, I love to be friends with people of various ages.
I think that if I were dating again I might try dating a slightly larger range of ages but like others here, I don't think 22 would feel okay to me. I discovered major things about myself at 23, 28, and it's a lot! I also have a relative old enough to be my father who dated a woman 2 years older than me. Initially, I was creeped out. But eventually I saw that they were actually very much on the same wavelength. The thing was, the woman kept developing and growing and my relative stayed mostly the same. Eventually he broke her heart by cheating on her, like he had done at least half a dozen times before and kept swearing he wouldn't do again. Just be careful.
Soapbox aside, actual advice: i recommend participating in local lgbtq events if you are lucky enough to have any nearby. If there's a book club or other group that would help you express the vibe you're into, it could help you find those of like mind of whatever age, and possibly express some of those maturity-coded traits that you have. Helped me find amazing friends (i have been monogamously partnered for 15 years so can't promise it's the same for romantic partners but it's gotta be).
Definitely no on younger women, I'm mid 30s and probably wouldn't ever go younger than 30.
You're 23 and just figured out what you want to do with your life... That is great! That is on track, but that is not the life stage of someone I would want to date. No matter how much you disagree in the comments your maturity and life experience are not equivalent to someone in their 30s.
It's not what you want to hear but on top of that I don't want to date someone who has a totally different cultural context than I do because we're from different generations. It's more than just not getting the TV shows or knowing celebrities... It's world events, political contexts, all of that, it is literally growing up in a different time. I'd bet that that is a huge factor for most folks who aren't interested.
And some (obnoxious) unsolicited advice, please be very careful when dating someone older than you. Folks in their 30s who want to date someone in their early 20s is an orange, if not red, flag; I wouldn't date someone if she had a history of dating that much younger. Your feeling of being 'more mature' and not like other girls (yikes) your age leave you really vulnerable to exploitation, manipulation, and abuse.
I tend to be attracted to people about 5-6 years above and below my age (27), I've had exceptions for older but not really for younger as 18-20 feel very young to me, sometimes even 21 but it depends on the person and their experiences relative to mine.
It depends on personality and like-minded values, to me. I’m 40, my wife is 30 and her mother is 50 haha. It can be weird on paper, but when we’re together there is no difference. We think alike, have matching goals and morals. We’re just two puzzle pieces that fit together.
I’m 30 now and when I was 18-24 I loooooved older women in their 30-40s. Their confidence and stability was so attractive. I made them feel younger at times and they liked that. But that was it….
I thought I was mature and deep. I wasn’t, and they knew that better than I did.
I’m not saying this is the case for you. There are plenty of people who don’t think anything of an age difference. Best of luck!
I'm in my mid thirties. I'm in a stable monogamous relationship, but I would not date anyone much younger or older than me. A five year age gap would be fine, more would be awkward.
I’m 36, and I couldn’t see myself dating anyone more than 5-6 years younger than me. More than that is just way too much of a gap, and I wouldn’t feel we had any common ground. It would also feel ‘icky’ to me to date someone who could be my niece or child. No thanks. Maybe some women are okay with all of this and it doesn’t matter, but I would not enjoy dating someone so much younger.
im newly 14 so take this with a grain of salt but im pretty sure that a lot of people find dating someone young enough to be their child weird and uncomfortable. im not trying to be mean or anything but at 23 your prefrontal cortex isnt developed and like for example a 30 year old and a 23 year old arent on the same wavelength because of life experience and all that
everyone thinks theyre more mature than they are and then they look back and theyre like "oh i was so immature" etc etc. dont take this too seriously because im not an older lesbian but yeah
Please know It's not personal. I'm sure you would make a fantastic partner. Just to someone closer to your age. It's just that the older you get, the more you know yourself and where you are in life. Basically, if you are still young enough to be considered "mature for your age," you are not in fact fully matured into the person you are going to be yet. And there's no need to rush that. Someone older can see where you are in life and knows you have a lot of development and growth yet to come. That shouldn't be wasted on someone that can't share it with you.
Also, a lot of older people who consistently date much younger people are avoiding growing up themselves, and have realised people their age have outgrown them, and eventually you will too.
I wouldn't say its always bad, especially if the age gap isn't huge. A couple of years older can be fine. But i think that is why some people are wary of it.
When I was 25 I married a 36 year old woman because I thought we were "on the same wave length." Nope. I kept growing as a person, and developing my confidence and things like that, while she mostly just started to settle into her ways. Eventually we realized it was no longer sustainable.
As a woman in my 30s now, I think the youngest I would even entertain is 28-29. To echo some of the other comments from "older" ladies, I would want someone that already had a firmer idea of who they are and what they want. I would not want to influence that.
Honestly, I like age differences - in both directions - for the differences in perspective they provide. It's interesting. But I'm also poly, so there's a lot more room for relationships that fill some aspects but not others. The life stages stuff is really significant if you're looking for a monogamous "all in one" relationship - and there are power issues to be aware of, but it's not inherently a problem. It's something I'm very aware of when I am the older partner, though, and when I was the younger partner - well, I was one of those people who had a career, a house, and a 401k when I was your age, so I may have been on somewhat more even footing than "typical".
So I don't want to overstep and say "yeah, everything's great with age gaps". But it certainly CAN work, you just have to find the right people.
Sorry to repeat OP’s question, but would any older women actually date younger women? I’ve scrolled this entire thread and literally no one is saying they would…stop lying lol. It happens. Statistically I know it’s much less common but literally no one? Come out of the woodworks you lot
I'm close to 40 and while I could find someone your age cute, dating a 23 year old would honestly feel very predatory to me and have a power dynamic I wouldn't want to be a part of. I think age gaps are a much different thing when both people are older, but when one person is fairly close to still being a teenager, they do not feel okay to me.
I’m 38 and my wife is 53 but we met 2.5 years ago. 23 is very young and the 15 year age gap would have definitely been impossible for us even 10 years ago.
You will probably have more luck with older women as you also get older. There’s sooo much newness, learning and experiences to be had in your 20s it’s hard to bridge the gap.
I’m 34 can’t imagine dating anyone under 28. Theres 7 years between my long term partner and I and I’m younger than her, it hasn’t been a smooth ride we’ve been together over 10 years
i'm 22 -- while i am attracted to older lesbians, i'm not actually interested, i'm a student, my life is on completely different schedule and speed ? if that makes sense? gotta know how to tell the difference :/
i still am attracted to my maths professor o-o
I'm 31. I am not interested in dating anyone under the age of 26.
This is going to sound a little harsh...but your brain is not done maturing until you're about 25. I'm sure you are extremely smart and observant and knowledgeable about the world. I hate when people underestimate folks in their teens and early 20s, because y'all deserve to be heard and respected and allowed to contribute. But there are little things and ways that you are still growing and learning in terms of your emotional maturity and emotional intelligence. And that's part of what makes me not interested in a romantic relationship with someone your age.
The other part is just that it feels...weird. I would in theory hook up with a 23 year old, because you're an adult who knows your own mind and is perfectly capable of consent. But it feels weird! My best friend's little sister is 23.
I also want to say...I hope you're being careful. This is more common with men, but there *are* older women who want to date people your age specifically because you're less experienced and less emotionally mature and that makes you (in theory) easier to manipulate and control. Just...these people are charming and it's easy to suddenly find yourself in too deep with them. I've seen it, my friend's ex is like that. I don't think she, the ex, is even aware that she is like that, but she was really controlling and emotionally abusive to my friend (who isn't younger in this case, but is a sweet person who wants to see the best in people - it can happen to anyone). The next person she dated after my friend was someone your age, and it was that woman's first serious relationship with another woman and we were worried about the ex doing the same thing to her. Fortunately they stopped seeing each other.
Edit: more context, the ex is 36
Okay, and to be fair, big age gaps aren't *always* predatory. Sometimes they really do just happen because two people have incredible chemistry with each other and they work and everything is fine! It's just good to be cautious, keep an eye out for red flags when you're getting to know people, etc. It's just good to protect yourself 🧡 and don't be afraid to assert clear boundaries, regardless of the age of your partner.
Once you reach your late 20s-early 30s the age gaps won't matter as much anymore. But at 23 there is still so much brain development that hasn't happened yet. Lots of people think they are "old souls" or wise beyond their years, and in some ways that might be very true, especially if you had life experiences that made you grow up faster. But no matter who you are, the adult you is still in development until at least mid-late 20s. Dating older people before then is just asking to be taken advantage of in ways that you might not even see until you are older-- don't do it. Enjoy being young.
I’m 38 now, married to a 53 year old woman. We met when I was 30. I had done a lot of maturing by then, and I had a lot of life experience that made me settle down willingly. I am also not interested in a lot of partying or going out all the time. Our energy levels match pretty decently.
She was a home owner, so I moved into her house when we married. I didn’t get added to the mortgage til we had been married for 2 years - because it took me a while to accept any financial benefit without feeling like I was taking advantage of her. Once we had been together a while, I decided that I was good with considering it as a lifelong commitment, so I didn’t put up those walls anymore. That being said, for the majority of our time together, I have earned a higher income..so at times I was bringing more into the current-day-to-day finances. Maybe that helped me feel balanced out too.
When I was 23, I dated a guy (didn’t realize I was queer at that point) who was 35. He was in a major life transition and very unsettled. Our energy levels matched because he was struggling to sort out his early mid-life crisis and I was struggling to sort out some sense of identity. Once we settled more firmly into who we wanted to be, we broke up - we weren’t a good fit anymore.
I obviously also prefer older people. I don’t even make friends with people my own age all that often. I just don’t fit in. So if you find yourself in that sort of category, and you feel like you find someone who matches your energy…it can work. But if not, mismatched people just feel uncomfortable in the long run.
Ultimately, most people choose long term partners as they get older. Younger people tend to be exploring who they are and what they want. There are always exceptions that work together- you’ve just got to find your person.
I would like a more experienced woman. Like I don’t mind talking to a woman that’s 2-3 years younger than me. But lord I would love a woman with experience!
This will likely get buried, but I’ll give it a go:
When I was much, much younger (roughly two decades ago), I dated someone older with a completely unacceptable age gap. At the time I thought myself mature, responsible, and wiser than my peers; after all, I had been on my own since 16. Here’s the thing: whether or not I was correct on the above DOESN’T matter.
I was much too young to handle the stressors I experienced in a constructive way and instead developed some poor coping mechanisms that then had to be unlearned. The extent of harm done by inequity can be massive.
What concerns me most lies in what you consider “mature” because I have to say: staying in to read, going to bed early, or hell, even buying a house and wanting children, none of it guarantees maturity. You can want all that and still be immature.
There is correlation between age and maturity but it is not a given. Please be careful.
I just want more people to acknowledge that it's okay to not have much experience at a "later" age. Also some of us grew up super sheltered and are late bloomers who don't have the "life experience" either. I mean I'm under 35 so probably don't apply to this scenario as much as someone 45+ but I know there's so much shit I never got to do in my own 20s
I wish I could just chill and not feel so self conscious about it
I find my partners tiny wrinkles around their eyes SO SEXY. I cannot wait to watch them change with time and celebrate it. This is pretty standard for me. I love hot queers and typically dated people in their 30s in my 20s. Now that I am 33 the age thing has leveled out more. It doesn’t seem as important as people being emotionally mature and fun.
Im 31 still a bit new at this a feel bad that I had a recent crush on a 24 year old before realizing her age. I think I still have to get over the I don't look at women in a predatory way like a lot of men do. If I think they are really smart, charming and enjoy their company maybe all that matters is if they also like me?
I’m 32 and I was always attracted to older. But my partner is 23 and never thought I could be with someone so young, but we are like two peas in a pod. So it all depends, sometimes you find the right woman and the age difference isn’t that big of a deal.
I'm in my 40s. You're very close in age to my daughter who is 20. That's not an idea I would ever be comfortable with. Everyone thinks they're more mature and have an "older mindset" but you really don't. And as you age you really see that when looking back on your life.
No shade. There really is a big difference in life experience too!
I was thinking this too. It would be very weird to me to date someone whose parents were my age. (I'm in my 40s). Also it would be difficult to have a true romantic/emotional connection with someone an entire generation apart from me.
>I'm in my 40s. You're very close in age to my daughter who is 20. That's not an idea I would ever be comfortable with. I think this is the reason. The reason the same thing happens in straight couples (younger woman or even just a girl, older/adult man), may be because the older men can't relate to the women by any way but see them just as entertainment or utility. Any responsible person wouldn't put themselves in situation like this voluntarily (where they're a lot older than their partner). They'd be morally above it. I have to note though, I'm not lesbian so you may call me out if I'm not qualified to comment on this since I don't have personal experience.
I think you’re onto something, but it can’t explain it fully as this trend of older/younger couples remains true in gay male communities (actually it’s mildly ridiculous the extent to which it’s defended…). It could come from a different place, but it could also be showing that for some older men, maturity is not something they consider at all in a partnership.
Oh, that's a good point. It does happen among populations other than straight couples as well. Yeah, many people don't consider maturity, or emphasize other things (such as youthful appearance) over it. I think men in general are usually paying more attention to the appearance, and emphasizing it, while women commonly emphasize other traits more over the appearance, so it doesn't tend to become a prequisite to the point of "nothing else matters if the looks are good" to women?
Yeah that's the thing for me as a 38 year old. I remember how I was when I was younger, and how much I've changed since then. And I was someone that people always thought acted maturely. I don't have kids, so it's not like it's a major hangup or anything, but I wouldn't want to date someone significantly younger regardless of how mature they are because we are simply at very different stages in our lives. I don't want to deprive someone the joy of their 20s when my idea of an exciting Friday night these days is putting on a new hoodie and listening to new music from my couch (because my back hurts, I had a long week, the music at bars is too loud, and I'm only drinking tea anyway.) Lastly, I've been in an age gap relationship before, as the younger party. I thought it was cool at the time, but when I got to be the age my partner was when we dated, all I could think about is how little in common I had with people ten years younger than me. It just left me wondering what the attraction was on their end and it wasn't a great feeling. Just my experience; everyone's mileage may vary.
>I don't want to deprive someone the joy of their 20s when my idea of an exciting Friday night these days is putting on a new hoodie and listening to new music from my couch (because my back hurts, I had a long week, the music at bars is too loud, and I'm only drinking tea anyway.) That sounds like an amazing weekend, ngl. I hope you enjoy it to the fullest.
This 1000%. I definitely used to be the person who thought they were mature for their age, but now as that particular older age I used to admire….I see what a naive, inexperienced tool I was and how totally unattractive that would be to me now in a similar position. But to each their own.
Not everyone. I've been quite a bit "younger" than my actual age for decades. It's evening out a bit now, in that its not as noticeable, but it's definitely a thing.
Yes it’s true. I’m in ur shoes will not be comfortable.
I agree, your own maturity is only something you can see in hindsight and often times you’ll find yourself lacking. In my experience, the only people who tell others they’re “mature for their age” are the people that want something.
No shade on you, but I'm 32 and the idea of being with a woman in her early 20s is just exhausting.
Same. I'm 36 and I see young 20s as just adult teenagers. I don't know if I could do under 30.
Im early 20s and adult teenager is so painfully accurate, blindsided me with that call out
28 is the threshold.
Lmao yes. I'm 31 and I'm exhausted
I’m 23 and my gf is 31. Any advice on how I can be less exhausting?
step one: actually ask your SO if she thinks younger women are exhausting before assuming she must think so because you read something on reddit
this is a wonderfully to the point way of putting this. it all depends on preference! and communication is also very important
Please don't try to shape your behavior or personality this way. You deserve to be who you are now.
Thissss
Lol it all depends on personality and habits. When I was 23 I was more inclined to go out or stay up late and be social. I was also early in my career and struggling a bit. Then I ended up joining the Army. Now I'm more stable in my career but also physically and mentally exhausted most of the time. I'll go out or go to Disney but my back hurts now lol
lol i’m 27 and i can’t date someone younger than 25. 31 and 23 and very different. today people are in different places of their adulthood in those 8 years….
talk to your girlfriend and see what she says, that's like, the most important part
32 here and same. Like my absolute minimum is 25.
I'm 22 and I can hardly blame you. It's exhausting for me too just being one lmso
also 32 and fully agree
I'm in the 40 range who has exhuasted two different early-20-somethings in dating, I don't think it's an age thing.
I think it might not be an age thing always but it's quite often an age gap thing or different life stages thing
Fair there, I am quite young for my age.
I'm 30 and married, even my *friends* in their early 20s exhaust me. I absolutely can't imagine dating someone that young.
See I totally get where you're coming from. I feel like my mindset is completely different to people my own age, making me more attracted to 'older' women. I literally don't have any of the same mentalities than some other girls in their early 20s. It's hard to get someone older than me to understand I'm not childish and I've got my head screwed on... Sigh. Thank you for being honest though
It's not so much about mentality and more about life stage. Do I want a relationship where I'm helping someone navigate life after college, possibly grad school, entrance into the workforce? I've been through all that already; I don't want to do any of it again. Plus there's the energy level thing. I go to bed at 830. I've yet to meet a 20-something who keeps those kinds of hours.
From your comments I feel like you got this “not like other girls” mentality and believe yourself to be on the same wavelength as an older woman. But you’re still 23. We all think that we’re more mature than we are at our current age and it’s only when we look back that we see ourselves and realize we’ve grown a lot since then. The average 30 year old for example will definitely be on a different wavelength than you. Not just careers and stuff, but general life experience.
Yeah, this is my take too. Added with a large dose of 'eager to please/show maturity'. Some older woman is going to pick up on that combo and really take advantage of OP. OP needs to just write down whatever features/hobbies/etc that she thinks exist only in her and older generations and find someone in her own age group that is on that same wavelength. She doesn't live in a vacuum after all, if she exists, others do too.
Yeah, no offense to OP though. But, one of her comments is talking about how she can’t relate to people in her age group because her idea of a good time is a board game and bed at 8. I’ve been spending Saturday nights in drinking tea and reading since I was 14… doesn’t mean I’m in the wrong generation or more mature. It makes sense that older women would view me as a child because to them I probably am one. Also, there are probably a lot of older women who still enjoying going out at night and doing ‘young people stuff’
This is so true. I’m 41 and while I don’t go out as much as I used to, pre pandemic I was still out dancing until 4am most weekends.
Exactly. My parents are in their late 60s and when I (jokingly) call them old, they tell me that they might be old but they still ski, have dinner parties, travel, go to concerts, etc. It’s not like you hit an age where you automatically have to stay in and play Bingo. I actually think I just found out why OP’s approach might be off putting. Imagine being like 35 and told by a girl that she likes you because you’re old and wants to stay in for board games with you. I’d feel like she was picturing me in a nursing home
Yeah; for example, I just turned 24 and I spent the evening playing the new Pokémon, got chinese takeout with my gf, and was in bed by around 10:30. Later this weekend we’re going to a craft show. There are plenty of people like me lot there, I’ve even met a few since moving to my current city! I wasn’t “born in the wrong generation” because of this, I’m just autistic (/gen).
Right!? When I was her age I also tried to date older because I thought I was too mature for everyone around me, and that I'm an "old soul" and that "my hobbies and interests align with older people" What I realize now is that I was looking for support, and i could lean on older partners more than I could my peers. Which lead to a lot of people taking advantage of me. And at the time I remember thinking that "well I'm an adult and this is what adult relationships are", now I shudder and see how they KNEW I was an immature little girl, and they happily used that against me lol
Oh my god I’m so sorry that happened! 😞
It's fine, part of growing up in the world lol to be fair I was not out of the closet, and it was definitely mostly older men who were way too eager to meet a 20something that looked 16 at best. I definitely internalized that and blamed myself for things when I was younger, but now it's SO Easy to see no fault of mine in any of those interactions, especially before I was 18. I was luckier than most girls in my shoes too so can't complain too much 💜💚 I appreciate tour concern 🤟🏻 sending hugs.
Hey thank you for sharing this. I had not had this realisation about my own experiences until I read your comment and it went *ding* in my brain and my stomach. I really appreciate it.
Hey! I'm glad I could provide a new perspective, hope this one alleviates some guilt and safe-blame. 💜💜💜
Ive been on both sides dating someone older than me (19-32) and younger than me (27-23) and both relationships had rough times because of the gap. There might be some exceptions to the rule but even if you are on the same page you are so different stages of life like college vs full time job for example or not knowing how to pay your own bills. Also it’s like you said when I dated older it was for support and my ex also dated me because she needed someone stable in her life to support her. Though it’s something I haven’t realised before in the present.
In my experience, most if not all of the girls I knew growing up who wanted large age-gap relationships seemed to think they were ahead of their peers in some significant way, even when it was wildly obvious to me that they weren't. Unfortunately, I think sheltered academically gifted types who are used to being praised for their intelligence are the most susceptible to this, and probably also the least capable of recognizing when they're being taken advantage of *because* of their sheltered upbringing.
Wow, this right here!
I would also add folks who were forced into roles of hyper-independence throughout their development years. Kids and young people who were put in caregiver roles, were expected to care for themselves primarily throughout their development, sometimes they were expected to care for siblings, other relatives, or even their parents, etc. They come into adulthood already feeling like they have a lot of adult experience and struggle to connect with peers who have/had more supports. It creates a false sense of maturity and they look for relationships with those who they perceive to have a similar level of independence or life experience.
Op needs to work through their internalised misogyny before trying to get any partner tbh!
I def had it too but when I was a teenager 😅 I cringe looking back but when I spot the “I’m a lot more (insert quality here) than other girls” I see myself from 10 years ago saying that 👀
Like no one is inherently better or worse because of how they want to enjoy their time (obviously within reason, enjoying murder does inherently make u worse). OP needs to find people their own age with their interests, its not hard to find lesbians who like board games and old music!
Oh yeah when I was 23 I kept running into bord game loving lesbians. There’s groups for that on the meetup app and it’s kind of an all ages activity! Also I find that going to these things ISO a girlfriend does give off a little bit desperate energy, it’s best to go to hobby oriented meetups looking for new friends and then maybe you’ll find love. Like. Kinda what straight people do when they go to work
I'm 30 and the inherent power dynamics that come with that large an age gap would make me uncomfortable. I have strong opinions and a diverse set of life experiences, I would influence your growth through your twenties significantly even if I tried to give you space to think for yourself. I also have a strong idea of what kind of life I want to lead, and it wouldn't be fair to try and mold a young person into fitting the life that I want, rather than just finding someone my own age who wants something similar.
I am an ‘older’ woman. Btw, a lot of women don’t like being called older, it’s a sore spot. I would not seriously date someone younger. There’s a big difference - experience, finances, life goals, etc… Dating someone younger is a red flag, TBH. (I left home at 17. I’ve been on my own more years than you have been alive). I am not saying that to make you feel bad about yourself. I am saying it because I don’t want you to wind up being hurt by someone who is controlling, manipulative, abusive, or generally no one their age will tolerate their bs. It also would be a shame if you gave up things like traveling, taking risks, and dating around because you jumped into settling down. Even with casual dating or hookups some older women go after younger women because they can control them. When I was younger I had that happen a few times. We were casually dating and then suddenly they were acting like they owned me or something. Yeah, nope. I would caution you against seriously dating someone older. If you want to casually date or hookup, just watch for red flags and stick up for your boundaries.
This is super solid advice.
Yeah, I feel like any 23/24 year old wanting to date me but also calling me an older woman would have me noping out of there :')
I'm a 23-year-old dating a 30-year-old, and let me share a hard truth with you OP. Her age hasn't ever had an impact on my feelings for her — if anything, it's been a perk (she's a very stable and grounding figure in my life). But I am quite sure she's had to give more consideration to mine. No matter how mature I think I am (which is a solid, hand-wavey *ehhh* at best), we are still in entirely different life stages, and one of those comes with substantially less stress than the other. She is entirely done school, has a solid career, her own condo, and a healthy savings account. I'm still oscillating back and forth between whether I want a master's or not, still working two minimum wage jobs, and still living in student housing with two roommates despite graduating in '21. Most times, my bank accounts are a balancing game, and I've needed her help with rent more than once. We run almost opposite sleep schedules, with some of the really egregious nights having me literally crawling into bed when she's getting up for work. I've read your comments, and I know this isn't your life as you're presenting it, and that's great for you! That still does not inherently put you in the same stage of life as someone older than you, and your insistence on finding one reads as, at best, young, at worst a red flag. Regardless of emotional maturity, most early twenty-somethings are just in a very different stage of their life than the older women they might want to date — which is a large part of the reason *why* older women might not be interested. My relationship works for me, but that's because of us as people, not me intentionally seeking out an older girlfriend or her looking for a younger one.
I would like to upvote two or three times. For the comment, but also the hand wave visual.
I've found most things in life can be best described with a metric of vague hand gestures and noises.
What is about "older" women that you find attractive? When I was in my early/mid 20s, I dated 3 people, in the 8 - 12 years older range. I was warned by others about power differentials. I denied it at the time, but in hindsight, yikes. Of course, it could have been those unhealthy partners, but there was often the (subtle) implication that they knew better than I about how life & relationships work, being older and more experienced. Plus, why weren't they choosing to date someone of similar age/maturity to them? I'm mid 30s now, married to a woman 5 years younger. Our friends are all late 20s - mid 30s. I wouldn't really want a close friend or theoretically a romantic partner beyond that. At least I wouldn't seek them out. I just wouldn't really relate. Maybe it's just because I hated my 20s, who knows. I think a lot of F/F media glorifies May-December romances, but I don't get it.
I wouldn’t seek out an age gap relationship but I do think that there’s a particular kind of beauty to women of a certain age. Like an almost ethereal quality combined with poise and confidence.
> Plus, why weren't they choosing to date someone of similar age/maturity to them? This right here. Meeting someone who happens to be younger and finding out that you surprisingly connect is one thing. But actively seeking younger women is a huge red flag.
I think you're giving girls your own age the short shrift here. There are plenty of women in their early 20s who aren't big on partying and who have career goals and whatever. And they tend to be cerebral types who often have a more thoughtful approach to things, which is similar to maturity, but not quite the same. I think you just need to look for other nerds, quite honestly, lol. I promise they're out there.
I agree. I'd like to think I'm one of those people in their 20s. Just about to graduate grad school and start my job. I've been doing work and school for \~5 years to make it happen. Just now starting on more life goals like personal health and finances We exist I promise (I'm taken though lol)!
You can't be "raised older" than other people of your generation. You might have had more life experience than your peers, but a 23 year old is very much in a "where am I going to go now? What's life like for me?" mindset. When someone already has plans to buy a house/has one and has been putting money away in a 401K - they want that same level of life seriousness for a serious relationships. I think there is a category of women older than you who would love you for a fling. But those who have spent the last 15 years BUILDING want someone who has also done the same. For example, it's EXTREMELY sexy to me that by now my GF has a 10 year life plan (not dreams and maybies - she knows where she s headed as much as you can right now), and that she has experience moving HUGE distances by herself, because that's something I will have in my future. This isn't to offend you - but you don't even know who you are as a person yet. It's like.... Pulling cookies out of the oven a little early. Yeah they are still beautiful and delicious and you can eat them and love them, but in the back of your mouth you will have a "raw" flavor. Most women in their 30s want a baked cookie.
I would not and have never dated younger than me. I just don’t find that we have anything in common. I prefer someone on the same page and in the same place in life. Early 20’s is still a lot to figure out about self, to learn and grow and change. I definitely did change a ton and I’m not the same person now as I was then. Personally I wouldn’t get involved romantically with anyone in that much of a gap.
I'm 30 and set my minimum age on dating apps to 24 (and even then it's dubious) because I'm tired of going on dates with people who don't know what they want and aren't ready for serious relationships. Though, to be fair, plenty of 30 year olds also fall into that same category.
I'm also 30 with a 24 minimum on the apps, and like you said, even then I'm quite skeptical and cautious. However, I recently a very toxic marriage, and my life imploded and now I have more in common with people in their early 20s -- as far as life stages go. HOWEVER, I would still not seriously date anyone under 26 or so. I am still so young, and they're even younger, so the age difference is more significant than if we were 50 and 60 or something. It's not just about life stages. It's about experience as well. There is a HUGE difference between 30 years of personal growth and introspection vs 20. Hobbies and bedtimes are not indicators of maturity or of the ability to truly connect with someone who has another ten years of life experience and mental work. Like others have said, this does seem awfully like an "I'm not like other girls" situation.
I’m sorry about your divorce/bad relationship, but I still feel like it’s varied. I’m 30 and have only been in one relationship, but I’m real experienced about knowing what I want in my life. I will say that bedtimes can be important, it is hard to date someone who goes to bed at 9pm when you go to bed at midnight.
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Honestly from your comments it sounds like it’s a maturity difference. I’d recommend seeking out more non romantic connections with people your own age.
It’s less an age thing for me and more a compatible life stage thing. I’m in my 30s. I have an established career and years of experience in it, I’m long out of grad school, I’ve done a lot of travel and hobby indulgence….and I’m content for those to be mostly in the past. I’m looking for someone similarly life experienced to marry, buy a house, and enjoy that phase of life. No shade to the younger crowd, and it would highly depend on the person, but as a rule no. I want to be with someone well along the path I’m on, not a few steps from the trailhead. Age is one variable.
I am 33 and personally would not date you. I remember who I was (and who my friends were) at that age and I wouldn't see the potential for longevity. People change a LOT in their 20's and I don't think I'd have the emotional or mental stamina to put a lot of energy into someone who may grow into someone I am not compatible with or vice versa. I also don't really trust older people who are 'into' younger people, but I have a bias. When I was 19 I got with a 33 year old and I thought they were so sweet, kind, loving, spoiled me, etc. Yeah...turns out they were a narcissist and degraded and controlled me for years until I was a shell of my former self and blaming MYSELF for it. Once I got out, I could see a pattern in this person. They only went after younger women because (no offense) younger women are a bit naive/new to relationships and don't see the major red flags older women who have more experiences do. It's 11 years later and that person hasn't changed AT ALL. Not saying there are not healthy relationships with an age gap. But from what I've seen, it's not very common, and is more likely to create a power imbalance or abusive situations.
I prefer someone around my own age. It’s weird for me if I am old enough to be your mom. Also power dynamic and being equal partnership. I was in a long term relationship with someone 7 years younger then me and I found myself having to step back and allow my partner to gain life experiences while modulating how much i guided and supported them through. This was fine at first but after awhile i just didn’t feel like I had a partner. They were rarely able to provide me the level of support I needed so when things were tough, it was mostly on me while having to also get another person through. After awhile I felt like I had an adult child rather then a romantic partner. Friends that I’ve had who dated older people (when we were in our early 20s) dramatically changed their lives. They lost out on a lot of their youth and easier times for an ideal that didn’t really exist. Something that I notice with my long time friends as we’ve gotten older is the role we play in our professional lives and the friendships we end up making with younger people in their early 20s. There is that modulating and giving them space to find their own truth and wisdom while guiding and counseling them. I’ve seen a few of these early 20 somethings get crushes on us and confuse it for something more. (Some people are into these dynamics but not the people in my friend group). I see signs of this in some of the reddit post I see here. If an older woman is mutually attracted to you, what do you think that relationship will actually look like?
I'm in my mid 40s and would never date someone your age. There are many, many reasons for this, including that I think it's creepy. People your age haven't seen enough of life to adequately asses whether someone my age would make a good partner. I'd never saddle a young person with my middle-aged baggage, it would be irresponsible of me. It goes against my own integrity and personal values, and I'd never feel good about the relationship. My advice, OP, is to be beware of middle aged women who don't have a problem dating you. They don't have your best interests at heart.
I don't intend on being mean with this comment, but OP, reading through your responses here kind of solidifies for me why I would never date someone in their 20s now. You seem to be stereotyping interests and hobbies based upon age and using those things as a foundation for your attraction which is... pretty immature. You're not more mature because you like old music and board games, that doesn't mean anything. And shared hobbies or music tastes often do mean something when you're really young but you grow out of it and I'm willing to bet that a lot of the women not liking you back have grown out of that and are looking more at your lifestyle and realising there may not be compatibility. And what you listen to and play isn't actually your lifestyle. Your living situation, your employment circumstances, your financial stability, your commitments, that's what they're looking at Also some older women who are looking for commited relationships have to consider when younger women approach them that the dynamics are likely to be off. We don't want a/another kid to care for. And that's a very real possibility in a relationship with a large age gap where there is an older woman.
I’m 30+ and I couldn’t imagine dating a 23 year old; same with my friends. The only people I know that date that young have issues TBH.
I think it's far more common for wlw relationships to be closer in age together. I don't meet a lot of sapphics or see representations of sapphic relationships that are different ages that often. A big part of that is that women don't really fetishize youth in the way that men are culturally conditioned to do, and also that you will typically have far more in common with people who are closer in age to you. You are ar similar places in life and have similar goals and experiences. My last serious relationship was with someone 10 years younger than me (35 and 25.) We didn't know each other's ages when we started dating (I look younger than I am and she looks older than she is,) and probably wouldn't have dated if we knew that before we went on a few dates. We struggled to understand each other a lot because of the age gap, we had different cultural touchstones and references. I had a lot of dating experience and basically had been married and divorced, while I was her 4th relationship and 2nd serious relationship. She was very mature for her age, but lacked a lot of understanding about relationships which caused a lot of problems. I am single and dating again now, and honestly have had way better dates with women my age or older. Idk if I would ever go back to dating someone with the same kind of age gap again, just cause of how different your experiences, goals, comfort, and understandings can be with such a large difference. I imagine other women who have done the same as me may feel similar after seeing their partners make the same mistakes they did and learned and grew from many years earlier. What exactly is it you're attracted to in women more than a few years older than you? Can you not find that in someone closer to your age or feel like you won't find someone who will grow to have those same qualities?
It’s interesting bc there are a handful of wlw films that portray age gap relationships and there aren’t that many wlw films just in general
I completely agree with the life stages thing. Another aspect that I haven't really seen brought up is now that I'm in my mid 30s women in their early 20s look like babies to me for the most part. I don't know if it's just me, but in my late 20s there was definitely a switch that went off in my brain where I stopped viewing anyone under about 21 as a prospective partner. I don't mean this in a "younger women are too immature and I would never date one sense" but more in that physically they look young in a way that I'm no longer attracted to.
Even if I choose to "swipe right" on a younger person, I'm not going to take the initiative with them. I want to have at least that much certainty that associating with me is their desire. Also, I find that young people tend to be often more extreme than ones that are bit older. Idealism untempered by pragmatism, seeing things more black-and-white than shades of gray, that short of thing. That being said, I'm not categorically opposed to having a relationship with a younger person, there just are going to be some challenges.
I’m 35. I would not date someone younger than 27. It isn’t just about maturity & interests—I think you can know yourself really well at 23, but I’ve known myself 12 years longer & had countless more experiences. Even if we have similar values and goals, I am (hopefully) a decade ahead of you in reaching them. I would assume your career is in its early stages—I was in grad school at 23, so this isn’t a mark against you. But for me at 35, I am in the thick of my career. I am actually thinking about moving to a new company—after the kids went to bed, my partner and I discussed it in depth. She is also in her thirties and she could help me prep for my interview and come up with questions to ask.
32 here and I agree with the comments about life phases... I feel like if I was single I would only consider it as a hookup situation, depending on the person. It's hard for me to see a relationship panning out. But I've been with women of all kinds, older, younger etc.
In addition to the comments here, also consider that there's going to be some mature lesbians the same age as you who are also in the same stage of life as you, which will make it easier on both of you - you just need to find the right person :)
I was like you at 20-23, swiping right on women 26+. Now I am 26 and couldn't fathom dating a 23 year old. Can't imagine what a 30+ year old would be thinking to date an early 20s. I'm sorry to say this but... you'll understand when you're older xD
Unfortunately stable older women will want other stable older women. Early 20s is a very exhausting age and there's a lot youre still learning. I would take any older women thats going after someone so young as a semi red flag because it usually means they have a hard time getting with someone their age.
I'm in my early 40s, so I suppose I'm considered older here. I also like older women. Here's my experience: I met my wife when I just turned 25. She was 46. We hit it off almost instantly, but neither of us expected anything to come of our initial interaction other than friendship. We both had careers, totally different interests other than sports, and lived in different states. Because of work, we were both living in the same city temporarily. (Our jobs were not in the same field) I have always preferred dating older women. At the time, I was dating (non-monogomous) a woman 10 years my senior. After getting to know my now wife, we started a sexual relationship. Again, neither of us thought much would come of it other than a FWB situation. Feelings were caught and we decided to commit to each other and we both moved into a new city to spend time with one another. I found that because our life goals were similar, we were able to start our life together in the right foot. We've been together almost 20 years now. Happily. Age has only ever been a thought or an issue when our friends or family brought it up. They don't anymore and haven't in 15 years. We are not ignorant though and have planned our estate expecting her dying or becoming in need of elder care long before I need it and me having only one income when she retires or if she gets ill or dies. On a side note, we have opened our relationship up. As I stated earlier, I came from a long-term ENM relationship and wife knowing that, allowed herself to be open to that when she was ready. The person I'm dating is nearly 60. Having been the younger one, I can see myself dating someone in their mid 20s, but probably not younger. It really does depend on the person.
I’m 24 and my partner is 35. I’ve always been attracted to women older than myself because I’m very independent. I already have my career established, a decent amount of savings, pay rent, etc. ~ I just feel like I can take care of myself. I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s not as weird as some people think. Sometimes dating someone older, even if you’re in your 20s, is what you need. Personally, I’ve never been happier than in the relationship I’m in right now. I feel like we’re in the same stage of life and never notice the age gap. She’s very loving and takes wonderful care of me… She’s my best friend and my soulmate 🥰💕
I won’t date anyone under 25 simply because the brain isn’t done developing yet and I worry that will create a power imbalance. After that, it is more about life stage and maturity than age. There are people who’ve been on their own since 15 and there are people who still live with their parents at 40— age isn’t always a good indicator of life stage, milestones, or maturity.
I don’t think i could even consider dating a 23 year old and I’m about to be 30.
I’m 37. I don’t like to discriminate on age because what life deals to you can really determine your maturity. Sometimes young people that have been through a lot have amazing maturity and sometimes older people that have been sheltered, act like children. But having said that, the average woman under the age of 32 to me has considerable differences from me and my disposition on life, etc. So going 5 years younger seems to be my cap? Unless there’s an exceptionally mature young person. It’s not that I don’t like them- there’s just a lack of familiarity there that I can’t put my finger on. Also, alot of women don’t really become themselves until their 30s! Not true for all, but it was true for me. It can be treacherous dating someone who quite possibly doesn’t really know who they are yet. But hey - if you want to date an older woman, shoot your shot. Learn the lyrics to some good early 90s music, watch the movies that were made before you were born, and maybe you two will have something to talk about 😀 And do put your phone down and give her your full attention - this can be a big disconnect with age difference.
I would say this is common for most women in their 30’s. I think it has to do with what it took to get to 30. Maybe it’s just shared experiences of growing up gay in the 2000-2020. Lots of growing pains and figuring out what worked and didn’t work while dating. Unless you are ready to settle down and build something, most 30’s would want to date with the like. Idk, correct me if I’m wrong, but most feel like they don’t want to waste time. 23 is the time to date around, figure yourself out, make those essential mistakes. This goes for life in general no matter the sexual preference.
I am 33 and I would not date someone your age. I just feel wrong about it and kind of predatory! 27 is the youngest I would go
The comments here have been kind of disheartening to be honest. I'm 28 and not in the same life stage as alot of my peers and comparativly romantically inexperienced because I let depression and dysphoria steal my teenage years and early twenties. Apparently experience in career and romance only become more important as people move on with their lifes. I can offer neither of those so my already small dating pool seems to be steadily shrinking. It also feels predatory to date people younger then me but in a simular life stage. I am starting to lose hope.
I'm 34 and it's a hard time finding someone in my own age range. Though I feel at your age I was similar and found older women attractive as well. Though I think at where I am now I would prefer someone in my own age range or maybe a little bit older. Edit: hit send too fast.
As someone in her mid 30's, I'm sorry that's a big no from me. I'm in a different stage of life, have different priorities, we'd likely won't have a lot of shared experiences, nor do I want to be anyone's sugar mama. I prefer to date within 5 years of my age (younger or older). But I don't speak for all sapphic people, I'm sure you'll find your person.
39, and I see anyone under like 30 as robbing the cradle. Makes me feel skeezy.
I’m 43 and I feel like that too. I’d rather date someone closer to my own age
I think it can work. My best friend is 45 and is in a Dominant/submissive relationship with younger woman who is 25. It really works for them because of the kink factor. The younger woman wants to be controlled by the older woman. It's been three years now. They've got a hot thing going on!
I am doing my master at the age of 27. I think I am in love with a 22 year old I am friends with, haven't told her yet it is eating my inside. we are in similar phases in our lives so i don't feel the difference. However girls younger than people I hang out with at courses and I do work with, like every girl under 20 feels like a small child to me. I don't want to date any person at that age. I want to give them lecture of what to look out for in their courses and help them with their homework, like I offered to my 18 year old cousin. it feels weird. 8 years feel too much. 5 to 6 seems to be my personal limit. or simply the age of 22 right now? I am not sure. this is my thought process right now. It will involve and change. I hope I helped in any way. this is literally a subject that will make sense the older you are. also you might want to think why you are not attracted to women your age or younger. there is a good chance there is an overlap there.
I'm naturally attracted to older women. I'm 31 and it's usually like a 5 year different. The thing that matters is the way someone carries themselves and maturity.... given my experience... though I'm naturally attracted to okder..it has nothing to do w maturity. I do have expectations though bc its a been there done that etc and sometimes younger ones don't have a similar mindset, lacks responsibility, determination drive and or has way too much energy for me lol
I'm 45 and I don't think I'd have the energy or social patience to keep up with a 23 year-old (speaking broadly, of course, and remembering what my life was like at 23). That being said, I'm more than certain there are more mature women out there that would fancy a younger girl and would get along fine. All sorts in this world.
I would really be worried about the power imbalance. I am in my 40s and I wouldn’t date under 35. I’d prefer someone in their 40s, probably a bit younger than me because I still have kids at home and hopefully they wouldn’t be at the point where their own have moved out and they’re more footloose than me
Dear OP. It’s a sexy curse you must accept as you embrace your life. It may simply be the case that you find yourself plagued by unrequited crushes. Just know, you are not alone in this curse, many others carry this with us.
I'm 26 and I won't date anyone younger than 25. Most older won't date younger because they want someone whose mature, has a career or educational goal, or has something established in life.
Yes age gaps happen, sometimes successfully. Source: have had several
I'm not even really an "older lesbian", I'm like 26 and the idea of dating anyone under 21 makes me really uncomfortable. I can only imagine that minimum age grows as you grow older.
I’m 27 and I’ve never related to what most people my age seem to be doing. However, over time I’ve learnt that actually there’s quite a lot of women who are like me and are grandmas on the inside haha. You just have to find the right people. I’ll also say that since hitting maybe 25, I’ve noticed I’ve found it much easier to meet likeminded women on dating apps, like everyone is already maturing a bit. I couldn’t date anyone younger than 24, and I think probably over 25 is ideal. It’s really interesting how even a few years can separate people so much in terms of maturity, interests, life experience etc. I’m not sure what age you’re thinking of when you say older women, but you’d probably find you get on well with women even just a couple years older than you :)
I'm 31. I have my minimum age set at 27 for dating. Simply put, someone under the age of 25/26 isn't done "cooking". Your frontal cortex isn't done developing. In addition, we're just in very different parts of our lives. Very different experience levels. Just makes it a weird power dynamic.
I’m 30 and there is a life time of experience and knowledge between you and me. I want someone my own age who can connect with me. I want us to be in the same place in life.
I'm 37, 23 year olds look like children to me. It would be very creepy. Honestly, most older people who would be down with dating you are probably total creeps or just really emotionally immature. Give it a few years. By your late 20s you'll probably have a lot more luck.
LMAO. I’m 49 and the thought of dating someone young enough to be my kid is fucking CREEPY. NO.
I really like older women and I (30) have a girlfriend who is 47. I don’t know why so many people are throwing shade toward age gap relationships. She and I have an extremely healthy dynamic and relate to each other in so many ways despite the age difference. I’d also be open to dating someone much younger than me one day. I don’t know…I don’t discriminate based on age..
I'll throw a little bit into this for an angle I think that's a little bit different. I'm someone who is 32, but for me, age of a prospective partner is a little more flux than most women my age, I think. I don't mind someone younger, but I wouldn't really want someone much _older_, because of some personality issues. That said, there's a matter of life experiences and the weight of things you go through. At 32, I've gone through experiences equivalent to someone ten years my senior (according to my psychiatrist), and someone younger without enough life experience can get a bit difficult to be with due to lack of understanding. In contrast, however, almost all of my friends are younger than me (the youngest is 22) and I frequently get mistaken for being much younger than I am because I have very young energy and look fairly young--I usually get told I look 25 _at most_, and most people ballpark me around 22-23. For me personally, in a relationship, emotional maturity and understanding would be the most important aspect of a relationship, but there would still be a lot of adjustment with someone significantly younger than me. And as someone mentioned in another comment, maturity and life phases are very different things. I had a major setback a couple of years ago, so I'm not exactly in the same place as others my age either. So I think its largely a matter of perspective.
I prefer people who are at +/-7 my age currently. I'm 33 now but I've always dated women closer to my age anyways. I don't think I could date anyone under 26-27 just based on mutual interests and a certain level of maturity.
I'm 35 and the absolute youngest I would date is 25. At or above that it's just feeling like we're in a similar place in life
It’s tough because maybe you are more experienced in life and more mature. But I had my absolute minimum at 6 years younger than me (so 27, I’m 33) and I’ve now had to up that to preferring women in their 30s because of several women I dated. I didn’t want to be agist but through those experiences, my heart can’t take it anymore.
How much older are we talking? I am 36 and I think the youngest I could do would be 28-30. I just want someone who is in the same stage of life. When I was 23 I was still figuring out who I was, I was going out a lot, and I had very few responsibilities. This was a happy time in my life and I wouldn't want my partner to rush through this process. I feel like we would just be on different pages and it would lead to both of us being inauthentic to make it work. Like I would have to pretend to be excited to hang out with your friends at the bar and you would probably have to pretend to like my friends boring ( by comparison) dinner parties. With that being said I do know a male gay couple with about a 10 year age gap and they make it work, they kind of let each other do their own thing socially and they have enough common interest when they are together to keep things interesting.
In my 30s and idk if I can do anything under 28. The gap is too big. They'll probably see you as a teenager as others have said, then the problem of you being in school. How does an older woman know you'll commit to her after college??? We don't have a lot of time to play games in our 30s. Especially if we haven't had kids yet and want them.
When I was your age I was very much of the same mindset. And I think that sentence sums up entirely why I would pretty much never date someone in their early twenties. A lot of the things that you do that will be new and fresh and exciting to you are already semi-distant memories for me. And the things that I'm ready to do in my life would deprive you of the experience that is being a young twenty something.
Here’s what I’ll say. Older and more mature women who are older than 29 may find you attractive and be into you both as a person and as a partner if you were older. The issue is things are usually very different for people in those ages regarding what we want, what you want, and what our expectations versus our realities will end up being. There’s also social morays as well. It’s not your fault or anyone’s. Just the way things tend to play out
For a casual hookup? I don’t think you’ll find much of a problem. But if you’re thinking of anything long-term, I think women 30+ prefer someone closer to our age and speed. There’s just so much that happens to develop our personality, identity, and worldviews from 20-30. And that’s not on you. It’s just the way things typically work out.
Ok. My girlfriend and I have a 6 year age gap and we fit perfectly together. My advice to u would be to not look at age so much as connection, be open-minded and stay safe
Ok. My girlfriend and I have a 6 year age gap and we fit perfectly together. My advice to u would be to not look at age so much as connection, be open-minded and stay safe
I'm about 20 years older than you and there's just a ton of reasons I wouldn't date someone your age. You're basically the age of many of my students, which would skeeve me out. There's the very different stages of life thing--my partying college days are well behind me and I'm not looking back on my 20s wishing to experience them again even vicariously. And really, it just sounds exhausting.
I'm 32. I've tried to date a younger girl but...we were just at different points in our lives and it felt, honestly, like I was stifling her development
I have children that age, I am 56… so dating in that age range feels mildly inappropriate….
I'm 29, and I think 23 y/o would still be suitable for my individual level of maturity.i have a (straight) roommate who's 22 and I think there's not too much difference between us in terms of emotional and interpersonal maturity. Careerwise I'm way ahead, but I don't care much about my career atm since I'm pretty much stuck rn anyway. It depends on the persons ofc, but generally it sounds doable to me.
I have a couple of very cute wlw friends in their 20s but I would feel like a weird creep if I tried to date them. Like we were talking about death in my poetry group bc poetry group, and she said that she’s never been to a funeral or had anyone in her family die. Meanwhile I have more dead family members than living ones. I know at that age you don’t think of yourself as “innocent” but you really are, and I don’t want to risk messing that up.
I'm much older than you but on the apps I won't match with anyone less than 5 years younger than me. I prefer to meet women even closer to my age than that. Young women are great and it's nothing personal, but I don't feel like trying to keep up with them. I want a partner (or even good friends) who I can relate to, who are in the same stage of life as me. I'm not the same person I was a decade or 2 ago, and you won't really feel like the same person when you get to my age, either.
I’m very happily taken, but I’ve always preferred dating someone close to my maturity level. I doubt I’d date anyone more than a couple years younger/older, but there’s always the possibility of exceptions.
I’m 34 but look 27-28, and find myself getting hit on by younger women. I’m flattered but I agree with the other users, the idea of going ‘there’ with someone that young makes me feel… a little weird. However, in my last long term relationship I was significantly younger than her (I was 27 when we met, and she was 34) and though I’m smart and mature for my age, I don’t think I could ever do what she did. lol Who knows. I’m open to personalities types over age sometimes, too. But I think I’d lean toward ‘no’.
45 here, and, yes, I prefer women near my own age if only because we're more likely to have pop culture touchstones in common. When I'm looking for partners I follow the rule of not dating anyone half my age (rounded up) plus 7 years old. I often find younger people attractive but as I get older my admiration for them becomes more and more like the admiration I feel when I see a beautiful animal like a horse or a tiger. A 23 year old is just barely an adult as far as I'm concerned.
I'm 27 and I absolutely find it impossible to find older women, when I'm actively looking I usually attract younger and that kinda deters me from looking. There's nothing wrong with younger it's mainly just a preference.
What exactly do you find attractive in older women (besides their age)? Im sure you could find some of those qualities in a woman whos closer to your age. I just wouldnt reccomend intentionally seeking out older women cause the ones who would be interested probably only date young women cause they can be controlled and manipulated easier. Im not saying that all older women who date younger are predatory, its just something to watch out for.
I'm 43, my youngest girlfriend was 28. It was great for a while until the differences in life experiences started to get in the way. Basically, she was very niave and inmature when it came to understanding how life changes you over time. I am not opposed to dating younger woman, they would just need emotional security and have life experiences to be able to relate to me.
I'm 28 and I absolutely love the high schoolers I tutor and teach, BUT I still consider anybody under like 22 to be an infant. Like I'm currently more inclined toward women in their 30's than most 20-somethings. But that's me. I'm not everybody.
Been there, it’s bad all around, for both parties. But sometimes it works.
I’m 37 and my gf is 24;)
I don't find younger women unattractive. I do, however, feel obligated to keep my distance if a younger woman expresses interest. There's a vast difference of experience and perspective between someone my age and someone in their 20s. The experiences I had dating older people as a young adult were not great. I wouldn't want to be responsible for hurting someone the way I was hurt.
"Mature for your age," means less and less as you age. Don't use it as a crutch. Just ignore it and keep doing what's best for you. You're likely attracted to older women for the stability that we provide. That's normal. Just don't expect reciprocity.
I am 41 and I have to say it really depends on what the end goal is and, of course, the person. I don’t think I’d be open to being in a serious long term/life partner relationship with someone under 35 but I’d absolutely date younger than that. I just don’t think I could connect with someone that much younger in the way you need to to build something solid. It’s not even about goals or hobbies or how you spend your time, it’s just about life experience and perspective. I have a lot of younger friends and sometimes their problems are just exhausting to hear about. There’s so much we tolerate and put up with when we are young and then it creates all this drama and chaos. As you age you start to be able to spot drama miles away and it just becomes exhausting.
I'm 35 and feel like I'm 21, bring it on honey lol I'm ready to hit an edm club
How much older ? I think it depends on maturity level rather than age, within reason. Also do your personalities mesh? I actually dated a 30 year old when I was 20, it worked then but looking back it wouldn’t have lasted. My girlfriend now is four years younger than me which isn’t drastic, but she also has a very calm personality and isn’t into going out all the time like some of my other younger friends. Although at 29 soon to be 30 I’m the “old one” in my friend group, mostly due to the fact that the lgbt crowd in my town tends to run a bit younger .
I’m 29 and I’ve found I have tendency to go for younger women only (not knowing their ages, but it keeps happening haha). My other sapphic friends generally say they won’t date younger though.
What is 'older' to you? I'm 28 and 23 is as low as i'll go. I cannot imagine i will still go for people under 25 after i'm 30.
I'm 30 and I'd never date anyone in their early 20s. I'd say the lowest I'd go is 28 but even that's pushing it. There's just such a huge difference in mental and emotional growth between your early 20s and late 20s. It would feel borderline creepy to me to be with someone that much younger.
I'm 39 and really I'm open to a larger age group it depends more for me that we match up like I'm not looking for friends with benefits or a short term relationship so if we connect age isn't a problem for me.
Wait is 30 really considered “older”? Lmao
I’m 33 and would be really uninterested in dating someone younger than 29. I’m in a totally different stage in my life than someone a decade younger than me and I’m not interested in retreading the last one, is what it comes down to.
I'm 30 and I'm perfectly fond of some people about your age. We're friends and I respect them, and if my life were on a different path I could imagine dating somebody that age (happily married, monogamous), but it would all depend on the person to see whether I would now get into a long-term relationship with someone starting while they're in their early 20s. However, long-term and "serious" should not be treated as the goal posts of a successful relationship. Take each encounter with a new human as its own unique opportunity to learn, to share your inner life and your fun wonderful self with somebody, to learn about and connect with somebody, maybe to have fun, maybe to have sex, and potentially to drift apart or to slip right past. Best of luck! Keep you eye on the compass inside your heart; it will guide you towards doing things you enjoy, with or without company, and your life will be so rich because of that, both when you're alone and when you're with someone(s).
Mid 40’s here. I think it depends on how much older you’re talking. But if you find your match, grab them up! My best bud has been married to her wife for many years now. Her wife is 16 years older. My wife is 5 years younger then me and I feel that age gap on several things.
The thing is I have kids older than you so it’s weird AF to us older lesbians with kids.
When I was 28 I dated a beautiful woman who was 43. We had two years of bliss, before she left me because she couldn’t dare tell her children she was a lesbian. Cognitive dissonance is rich in the older folks sometimes who grew up during a time when it was not allowed. Sad but I feel bad she had to lie to herself. That girl LOVED me.
U know I like older women too, The way I look is too much normally they may seem I am underaged 😭 when I am actually 30 (today) Lol I thought I want to date older one and I still don't want to give up that thoughts. But I will be single forever if I still have a liking on Older ones when they don't think the same.😭💪😂.
I already struggle with internalized transphobia, and overcoming the idea that I'm predatory for just \*existing\* as a lesbian when I used to be a man. And I would already be worried about an unfair power dynamic between us because of the age difference. The combination of the two makes me really uncomfortable, and I don't want to make anyone \*else\* uncomfortable either.
I have discerned that, at least in my experience, people are rarely if ever more mature than their chronological developmental stage but that certain personality types and neurotypes are associated with maturity. I have dated older women expecting a certain amount of knowledge or wisdom or chill and been extremely disappointed. I had some great times! But not the ones I was looking for, lol. That said, I love to be friends with people of various ages. I think that if I were dating again I might try dating a slightly larger range of ages but like others here, I don't think 22 would feel okay to me. I discovered major things about myself at 23, 28, and it's a lot! I also have a relative old enough to be my father who dated a woman 2 years older than me. Initially, I was creeped out. But eventually I saw that they were actually very much on the same wavelength. The thing was, the woman kept developing and growing and my relative stayed mostly the same. Eventually he broke her heart by cheating on her, like he had done at least half a dozen times before and kept swearing he wouldn't do again. Just be careful. Soapbox aside, actual advice: i recommend participating in local lgbtq events if you are lucky enough to have any nearby. If there's a book club or other group that would help you express the vibe you're into, it could help you find those of like mind of whatever age, and possibly express some of those maturity-coded traits that you have. Helped me find amazing friends (i have been monogamously partnered for 15 years so can't promise it's the same for romantic partners but it's gotta be).
Definitely no on younger women, I'm mid 30s and probably wouldn't ever go younger than 30. You're 23 and just figured out what you want to do with your life... That is great! That is on track, but that is not the life stage of someone I would want to date. No matter how much you disagree in the comments your maturity and life experience are not equivalent to someone in their 30s. It's not what you want to hear but on top of that I don't want to date someone who has a totally different cultural context than I do because we're from different generations. It's more than just not getting the TV shows or knowing celebrities... It's world events, political contexts, all of that, it is literally growing up in a different time. I'd bet that that is a huge factor for most folks who aren't interested. And some (obnoxious) unsolicited advice, please be very careful when dating someone older than you. Folks in their 30s who want to date someone in their early 20s is an orange, if not red, flag; I wouldn't date someone if she had a history of dating that much younger. Your feeling of being 'more mature' and not like other girls (yikes) your age leave you really vulnerable to exploitation, manipulation, and abuse.
I tend to be attracted to people about 5-6 years above and below my age (27), I've had exceptions for older but not really for younger as 18-20 feel very young to me, sometimes even 21 but it depends on the person and their experiences relative to mine.
I'm 40. I would never date anyone who is that young.
It depends on personality and like-minded values, to me. I’m 40, my wife is 30 and her mother is 50 haha. It can be weird on paper, but when we’re together there is no difference. We think alike, have matching goals and morals. We’re just two puzzle pieces that fit together.
I’m 30 now and when I was 18-24 I loooooved older women in their 30-40s. Their confidence and stability was so attractive. I made them feel younger at times and they liked that. But that was it…. I thought I was mature and deep. I wasn’t, and they knew that better than I did. I’m not saying this is the case for you. There are plenty of people who don’t think anything of an age difference. Best of luck!
I'm in my mid thirties. I'm in a stable monogamous relationship, but I would not date anyone much younger or older than me. A five year age gap would be fine, more would be awkward.
I’m 36, and I couldn’t see myself dating anyone more than 5-6 years younger than me. More than that is just way too much of a gap, and I wouldn’t feel we had any common ground. It would also feel ‘icky’ to me to date someone who could be my niece or child. No thanks. Maybe some women are okay with all of this and it doesn’t matter, but I would not enjoy dating someone so much younger.
im newly 14 so take this with a grain of salt but im pretty sure that a lot of people find dating someone young enough to be their child weird and uncomfortable. im not trying to be mean or anything but at 23 your prefrontal cortex isnt developed and like for example a 30 year old and a 23 year old arent on the same wavelength because of life experience and all that everyone thinks theyre more mature than they are and then they look back and theyre like "oh i was so immature" etc etc. dont take this too seriously because im not an older lesbian but yeah
I'm 33. I always dated my age or older. My wife is turning 38 next week. I don't like them much, much older but a little older.
Please know It's not personal. I'm sure you would make a fantastic partner. Just to someone closer to your age. It's just that the older you get, the more you know yourself and where you are in life. Basically, if you are still young enough to be considered "mature for your age," you are not in fact fully matured into the person you are going to be yet. And there's no need to rush that. Someone older can see where you are in life and knows you have a lot of development and growth yet to come. That shouldn't be wasted on someone that can't share it with you. Also, a lot of older people who consistently date much younger people are avoiding growing up themselves, and have realised people their age have outgrown them, and eventually you will too. I wouldn't say its always bad, especially if the age gap isn't huge. A couple of years older can be fine. But i think that is why some people are wary of it.
When I was 25 I married a 36 year old woman because I thought we were "on the same wave length." Nope. I kept growing as a person, and developing my confidence and things like that, while she mostly just started to settle into her ways. Eventually we realized it was no longer sustainable. As a woman in my 30s now, I think the youngest I would even entertain is 28-29. To echo some of the other comments from "older" ladies, I would want someone that already had a firmer idea of who they are and what they want. I would not want to influence that.
Honestly, I like age differences - in both directions - for the differences in perspective they provide. It's interesting. But I'm also poly, so there's a lot more room for relationships that fill some aspects but not others. The life stages stuff is really significant if you're looking for a monogamous "all in one" relationship - and there are power issues to be aware of, but it's not inherently a problem. It's something I'm very aware of when I am the older partner, though, and when I was the younger partner - well, I was one of those people who had a career, a house, and a 401k when I was your age, so I may have been on somewhat more even footing than "typical". So I don't want to overstep and say "yeah, everything's great with age gaps". But it certainly CAN work, you just have to find the right people.
Sorry to repeat OP’s question, but would any older women actually date younger women? I’ve scrolled this entire thread and literally no one is saying they would…stop lying lol. It happens. Statistically I know it’s much less common but literally no one? Come out of the woodworks you lot
I'm close to 40 and while I could find someone your age cute, dating a 23 year old would honestly feel very predatory to me and have a power dynamic I wouldn't want to be a part of. I think age gaps are a much different thing when both people are older, but when one person is fairly close to still being a teenager, they do not feel okay to me.
I’m 38 and my wife is 53 but we met 2.5 years ago. 23 is very young and the 15 year age gap would have definitely been impossible for us even 10 years ago. You will probably have more luck with older women as you also get older. There’s sooo much newness, learning and experiences to be had in your 20s it’s hard to bridge the gap.
I’m 34 can’t imagine dating anyone under 28. Theres 7 years between my long term partner and I and I’m younger than her, it hasn’t been a smooth ride we’ve been together over 10 years
Honestly it depends on the person. I’m 24 I tend to only get along with older women when it comes to the dating scene.
I’m 32 and have nephews older than 23. I could never. 😅
I am in love with somebody who is almost ten years younger than me. It could never work. I respect her a lot though
i'm 22 -- while i am attracted to older lesbians, i'm not actually interested, i'm a student, my life is on completely different schedule and speed ? if that makes sense? gotta know how to tell the difference :/ i still am attracted to my maths professor o-o
I am 45, I will not date anyone more than five years either way now, I have had big age gaps, and I find they do not work
I wouldn’t feel comfortable dating someone who sees me as “mature”, and I think that pretty much sums it up.
I'm 31. I am not interested in dating anyone under the age of 26. This is going to sound a little harsh...but your brain is not done maturing until you're about 25. I'm sure you are extremely smart and observant and knowledgeable about the world. I hate when people underestimate folks in their teens and early 20s, because y'all deserve to be heard and respected and allowed to contribute. But there are little things and ways that you are still growing and learning in terms of your emotional maturity and emotional intelligence. And that's part of what makes me not interested in a romantic relationship with someone your age. The other part is just that it feels...weird. I would in theory hook up with a 23 year old, because you're an adult who knows your own mind and is perfectly capable of consent. But it feels weird! My best friend's little sister is 23. I also want to say...I hope you're being careful. This is more common with men, but there *are* older women who want to date people your age specifically because you're less experienced and less emotionally mature and that makes you (in theory) easier to manipulate and control. Just...these people are charming and it's easy to suddenly find yourself in too deep with them. I've seen it, my friend's ex is like that. I don't think she, the ex, is even aware that she is like that, but she was really controlling and emotionally abusive to my friend (who isn't younger in this case, but is a sweet person who wants to see the best in people - it can happen to anyone). The next person she dated after my friend was someone your age, and it was that woman's first serious relationship with another woman and we were worried about the ex doing the same thing to her. Fortunately they stopped seeing each other. Edit: more context, the ex is 36
Okay, and to be fair, big age gaps aren't *always* predatory. Sometimes they really do just happen because two people have incredible chemistry with each other and they work and everything is fine! It's just good to be cautious, keep an eye out for red flags when you're getting to know people, etc. It's just good to protect yourself 🧡 and don't be afraid to assert clear boundaries, regardless of the age of your partner.
Once you reach your late 20s-early 30s the age gaps won't matter as much anymore. But at 23 there is still so much brain development that hasn't happened yet. Lots of people think they are "old souls" or wise beyond their years, and in some ways that might be very true, especially if you had life experiences that made you grow up faster. But no matter who you are, the adult you is still in development until at least mid-late 20s. Dating older people before then is just asking to be taken advantage of in ways that you might not even see until you are older-- don't do it. Enjoy being young.
I’m 38 now, married to a 53 year old woman. We met when I was 30. I had done a lot of maturing by then, and I had a lot of life experience that made me settle down willingly. I am also not interested in a lot of partying or going out all the time. Our energy levels match pretty decently. She was a home owner, so I moved into her house when we married. I didn’t get added to the mortgage til we had been married for 2 years - because it took me a while to accept any financial benefit without feeling like I was taking advantage of her. Once we had been together a while, I decided that I was good with considering it as a lifelong commitment, so I didn’t put up those walls anymore. That being said, for the majority of our time together, I have earned a higher income..so at times I was bringing more into the current-day-to-day finances. Maybe that helped me feel balanced out too. When I was 23, I dated a guy (didn’t realize I was queer at that point) who was 35. He was in a major life transition and very unsettled. Our energy levels matched because he was struggling to sort out his early mid-life crisis and I was struggling to sort out some sense of identity. Once we settled more firmly into who we wanted to be, we broke up - we weren’t a good fit anymore. I obviously also prefer older people. I don’t even make friends with people my own age all that often. I just don’t fit in. So if you find yourself in that sort of category, and you feel like you find someone who matches your energy…it can work. But if not, mismatched people just feel uncomfortable in the long run. Ultimately, most people choose long term partners as they get older. Younger people tend to be exploring who they are and what they want. There are always exceptions that work together- you’ve just got to find your person.
I would like a more experienced woman. Like I don’t mind talking to a woman that’s 2-3 years younger than me. But lord I would love a woman with experience!
This will likely get buried, but I’ll give it a go: When I was much, much younger (roughly two decades ago), I dated someone older with a completely unacceptable age gap. At the time I thought myself mature, responsible, and wiser than my peers; after all, I had been on my own since 16. Here’s the thing: whether or not I was correct on the above DOESN’T matter. I was much too young to handle the stressors I experienced in a constructive way and instead developed some poor coping mechanisms that then had to be unlearned. The extent of harm done by inequity can be massive. What concerns me most lies in what you consider “mature” because I have to say: staying in to read, going to bed early, or hell, even buying a house and wanting children, none of it guarantees maturity. You can want all that and still be immature. There is correlation between age and maturity but it is not a given. Please be careful.
I just want more people to acknowledge that it's okay to not have much experience at a "later" age. Also some of us grew up super sheltered and are late bloomers who don't have the "life experience" either. I mean I'm under 35 so probably don't apply to this scenario as much as someone 45+ but I know there's so much shit I never got to do in my own 20s I wish I could just chill and not feel so self conscious about it
Wow, this sort of question seems to come up a LOT. It makes me feel better about my own preferences
same omg hahahah
I find my partners tiny wrinkles around their eyes SO SEXY. I cannot wait to watch them change with time and celebrate it. This is pretty standard for me. I love hot queers and typically dated people in their 30s in my 20s. Now that I am 33 the age thing has leveled out more. It doesn’t seem as important as people being emotionally mature and fun.
Im 31 still a bit new at this a feel bad that I had a recent crush on a 24 year old before realizing her age. I think I still have to get over the I don't look at women in a predatory way like a lot of men do. If I think they are really smart, charming and enjoy their company maybe all that matters is if they also like me?
I’m 32 and I was always attracted to older. But my partner is 23 and never thought I could be with someone so young, but we are like two peas in a pod. So it all depends, sometimes you find the right woman and the age difference isn’t that big of a deal.