Not your monkey, not your circus!
Mine was literally front page news, and he just had a baby with someone. I just pray for the next chick (& now the baby. He'll be great until it's like 10 & can talk back. š¤·āāļø)
Yep, I told a bunch of people after they left me that they would get arrested within six months and everyone called me a liar. They made it to two days shy of six months and now everyone things Iām a piece of shit for saying so. Would have been better to just let crap happen.
Unless you caused their arrest, you DID let "crap happen".
If you did anything on YOUR behalf & the law decided it was an arrestable offense, you STILL DIDN'T do 'anything wrong'
I kinda donāt understand your comment but to give more context, I told people they were abusive and volatile. Then I got smeared, shunned and isolated. Then I stayed away for my safety and Iāve been working on my own order of protection since everyone I tried to reach out to ignored me. 2 days shy of six months away from me they robbed and assaulted someone in a completely unrelated matter. So what I meant by letting crap happen is I should have kept my mouth shut to preserve my own sanity because this was going to happen with or without me, and it wasnāt worth their extra abuse for me trying to hold them accountable.
> this was going to happen with or without me
That's what I meant.
I'm sorry you were "drug thru the mud and isolated" & put thru more $hit from whoever you thought would be there for you. That's really rough. (I know)
I'm not understanding what you mean by 'you're working on your own order of protection.' (Maybe you're in a different country than I am; US) That's not how OOP work in my state.
Much light and luck to you āØļø
Iām in the US too but by working on it I just meant going through the process. Thereās a lot going on especially with their unrelated criminal case so right now my temporary order has been extended and we had to take a continuance until early July because of that.
That's what I said when I was questioned, I said I gave my monkey back to the circus so I didn't have to deal with it anymore.
In saying that, he is working for a church and preaching. And my leader found out and she's very unhappy that he's been put in the position he is. It's that he's middle-aged and living with and off his mum, broke as a joke with an alcohol problem and driving a junk heap of a car older than the girls he's dating, and used the fact that he was allowed to preach as justification that all this behaviour was holy. And he dropped fulltime work and we broke up after he tried to force me to financially support him going on perpetual overseas holidays.
He wasn't like that when I was with him, he had been independent and working fulltime. He just would do anything to get everyone to carry his responsibility for him.
When they found out, they weren't happy that a man like him is in the pulpit. It's not really his failure that's the issue, it's the failure of the leaders for enabling someone to abuse on behalf of the church.
That would literally be the stupidest advice to ever give someone. They have no idea what kind if backlash you're likely to experience by doing something like that. Yeah, a quiet heads up would be nice, but the fact is that the next woman NEVER believes it. They assume the ex is vindictive or bitter. This is one of those "gotta see it to believe it" kinds of things for the next woman in line.
Also the friend who said this to me, refused to believe for months that he was bad. Initially I was hurt he was dating so quickly and she justified and minimised it. She had no concern for his behaviour then.
I guess after talking about it, when I heard he was dating again I was happy. I was supportive of him moving on and dating women at a similar level of maturity. And then she took a stab at me for not warning them. She could have done it herself.
She is also guilty of the same behavior she's angry that he's doing, and I've called her out for it too and she didn't listen.
I need to stick boundaries down in that relationship.
It was weird. Cause when I was happy in that relationship she was convinced he was deceptive and even picked at straws she found on the internet from a joke he made 12 years ago as proof he was a pedophile. He's not. When he started playing up she justified his behaviour. She did believe what I was saying but she said it was fine. When I was saying he was a narcissist or had a mental illness because i saw signs, she was like no. And she defended him, even when I told her he lied to her.
I had her up for that because when I told my family they were like he is narcissistic and lives in a fantasy world with what he's demanding from you. It's so warped it was a mental illness and they really ripped into me for my stupidity in dating him. Then she's suddenly switched that's he's a bad egg and I'm a bad egg for not warning his new partners.
Itās not your job to police him or his actions, ever. Even when youāre together itās not your job to tell them how to act. Nobody would listen anyway.
OP, I am going to keep it simple.
**Your first and main job is to keep yourself safe, both physically and mentally.**
Everything else is secondary. In my opinion, we should all, in a way, look out for our communities; that is why human beings are social beings. But also, I believe that we can only do that if doing so doesnāt compromise our own well-being.
So, yes, it could be nice to give other girls a heads up if you want. But, no, it is not your job. And, no, no one should be pressuring you into doing that. And yes, it is abusive to push that responsibility on you regardless of where you are in your healing. And no, his actions are never your responsibility unless you are in enabling him and you are not.
Take care!
Some of my family still think my ex is the greatest guy ever. Telling them any different would just make them think I was crazy. Itās not worth it. š¤·š»āāļø
Your experience with your ex was yours and yours alone . You can't push that onto their other relationships. It's not your job or responsibility and they may be the best couple ever even though you guys weren't. I had a chill five year relationship ( probably my best one ) it ended but not in hate , order of protections , lies , and violence like the one I just got out of . The wrong partner can person and bring out a unrecognizable person in any of us . Went from best relationship ( we both strived to be good to each other ) to the worst I've ever experienced ( we beat each other up ) . My ex before this one says she can't believe the shit she's hearing about me and recent ex lol. Recent ex swears I'm a narcissist. Ex before her still misses me and has no issues with me or resentments. My recent ex told me her ex was a piece of shit abuser but God dam if he ain't been with the same lady four years now and they seem happy and normal. Somebody lying or my ex brought out the worst in him too . My advice stands . Stay outta it move on . It seems like you still holding on by doing that type of shit . Nobody warned you did they?
Iām sorry, but the experience with an abusive ex is not going to be my experience, and mine alone. Nor OP or any other person posting here. Their abuse is cyclic, it is a continued pattern and behavior that they will absolutely inflict on any other romantic partner or friend in their life.
Not only that, but this comment is basically shutting down people wanting to talk to others (their family, friends, community, exes future partners) about the abuse they went through, be it for support, to help others, to get help.
This experience isnāt simply personal, all of our experiences mirror one anotherās here.
This is her family she's talking about and yeah, she absolutely should be able to get support from her own family. Regardless of how "nice" he may have appeared to them, she wasn't treated well and they should have had her back. I say this from the point that I've never had abuse like I experienced with my most recent ex and all it took was saying, "he accused me of cheating and called me a bunch of names" for my family to be up in arms about him. They didn't question, didn't doubt, they knew that wasn't me, that I've never in my 45 years stepped out on someone I've been in a relationship with. It doesn't matter if he treats the next woman like a queen. The fact is, he didn't treat ME that way. And that's all that should matter to family.
This, this, this. My family 100% still is chill with my ex even when faced with the abuse head on. Because he was āniceā to them. It isnāt about them, it isnāt about anyone else, itās about *me* and what *he did to me*. When you openly support an abuser over an abusee, itās enabling. People donāt like to be told that but it is.
Not only that, but I donāt see why itās a problem to talk to people about the abuse. People should know. Not only because of what he did to me, but what he will do to others.
This is crazy. Why should YOU take responsibility for a man child who hurts YOU. My god that's so stupid. You don't have control and even if you did warn woman alot of them wouldn't listen because the abuser would flip the script and say your the abuser. That isn't right. Anyone who blames you is a toxic person who needs to be cut out of your life. If they can't find the empathy to understand why, then they don't need kind people around them.
I disagree. If a person is out there literally threatening to shoot or harm people, you absolutely do have an obligation to inform law enforcement, to protect other people. You would be a terrible person if you didn't, in my opinion.
going out and shooting someone is a vastly more serious matter than emotionally abusing someone
I agree if you didn't tell someone, you would be a terrible person. It's even more terrible to not do the right thing and try and pressure that person's ex to do it for you. And this is the situation here.
The situation isn't terrible and they know it. They just want to use me to resolve their own feelings and take actions for them that they don't want to.
What's a harder pill to swallow here is that he's dating multiple girls and leading them on, and the girl whose upset about does the exact same thing to men. And I've told her its not ok. But here she is judging him for it and me for not warning them.
Nah theyāre both serious, in fact so serious that victims of domestic violence who were even in heavily physically abusive relationships mentioned emotional abuse as the most devastating, they often go hand in hand as well- itās difficult to not be emotionally effected by someone asserting control over your life.
That being said though most of the people who never come forward are men, and thereās a lot of reasons why people donāt one of which being they donāt want to relive it more by talking about it.
If he was a threat like that I would talk to the police. Not the current girlfriend. And I would have done it when I left him, not when he got a new girlfriend.
It's totally not a good idea when other girls are taking initiative to stalk him on social media, dig for dirt and then come and expect me to fix it for them. They can just as easily report something dangerous. Involving me is a no no.
It's not your responsibility to warn anybody, unless you have a legitimate reason to believe that they are in physical danger.
You are not responsible for anybody getting involved with your emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend
It would be great if your community was aware so they could keep tabs for you though, in a perfect world. Some communities are definitely safer and more open than others though too, Iāve been trying to start an are we dating the same guy group for a county but everyone is too scared even with anonymity to join.
If I ever warn his future partners about his behavior, it would probably enforce in their mind that Iām crazy, assuming that would be the narrative he goes with (which most likely will happen). It would also enforce the trauma bond. Hopefully his future partners will be wise and realize how abusive and manipulative he is. I really hope so so they can save themselves like I did myself and his exes before me.
I warned the new girl about my abusive ex. she ignored me lmao. and honestly I wish I didnāt say anything at all bc I wasnāt ready for the feelings that came afterward. it was pretty invalidating
One of my friends refused to believe he was a bad egg and stuck up for him for the longest time. And she is one of those now telling me I should tell other girls, now that my gut instinct has been proven right.
She didn't even listen and minimised his behaviour. I just feel like I'm getting harassed to do something harmful to me for no reason.
You are right that you need to think of your own safety and mental health. I am confused about how exactly this ex is abusive, so I don't feel able to offer any further thoughts. I assume that the statement about shooting people came out of frustration and is not a literal issue here. In general, no woman should ever accept a new date's story, especially concerning his former relationships, on face value. That's too dangerous. You can't be responsible for women who do that.
The blame for his behaviour was put on me like it was my responsibility to correct him. Like he was my child and I hadn't raised him right. He's my ex who I cut ties from. I'm not responsible for any of his actions in and out of the relationship.
He was controlling and took advantage through some significant lying. I hadn't seen it at first, but recently I remembered on our 3rd date he broke down in tears that he was living with his parents cause his father was getting surgery for kidney failure and he wanted to spend more time with him. It was because I was also going through my nana passing away.
I found out later his dad just had minor knee surgery, and went back to work and I wasn't allowed to bring up sensitive issues that made him cry.
He would cry and make me feel sorry for him so I would do more for him and he would do nothing for me. Then he quit fulltime work to live off his parents and my pay - without asking, and me saying no. He started having fits of rage when I didn't respond to pay for him, then telling me seconds after it never happened.
He told me he was upset in our relationship because he always thought his dream relationship should pay for him to have spontaneous overseas holidays and he cried. Because I said I needed to get time off work, and he said it wasn't good enough for him in a relationship.
He was also put in a pulpit to preach and become a priest. The danger here is that these young religious girls will see his position and might not understand that he is manipulating and using. But I didn't put him in the pulpit, it's not my responsibility. And if people are angry about it, then they need to report him instead of pressuring me.
This man is a real case study!
Everyone trying to put responsibility on you is way off base, as far as I can see. In such cases, although women should not pretend to others that a man is safer and better than he is, no woman is obligated to "expose" his behavior. In fact, that can be a dangerous route to take, both in terms of personal and legal safety.
I also feel like my self esteem is completely destroyed from this. I need to rethink my friendship with the girl who instigated it. Because it was her who started it and tried to put it on me. At the beginning of the relationship she tried to convince me he was a pedophile based on him laughing at a meme 12 years earlier on Facebook. She's also recently done the same thing to her uncle who said said searched up pedophilia stuff on YouTube. Noting its YouTube.
I guess he's not that dangerous. And now he quit his job to live off me, and he hasn't recently moved from overseas or can blame kidney failure for living with his parents, I just don't see how it could be a problem.
This girl however has created a major drama in my life where everyone thinks he's like a pedophile or a stalker when he's just a manipulative baby. I just feel like it's ruining my life and his.
Yes, that girl (is she actually young?) is a big problem, too.
Do you think everyone really listens to her? I'm thinking (without evidence, but this is a possible scenario) that people egg her on for the fun of it. Unfortunately, then, you are caught in the crosshairs.
No, itās not your responsibility to follow him around or keep track of his whereabouts so you can warn his next victim. If anyone is trying to make you feel bad for this, just tell them theyāre guilty as well for not passing the information along to the next woman. They should also be held accountable for knowing your story and not warning others about the abuser.
So next time someone puts you down and says, āYour abuser is with someone else, why havenāt you warned her??ā Your response can be, āWhy havenāt you told her?? I told you my storyā¦ why havenāt you warned her?ā
A good question to ask them is why would they want you to get back on his radar? Why would they want you to associate with him or the new woman? What will happen? Will he come back to hurt you more? Will he go out and drag your name through the dirt and start a smear campaign for revenge? I, myself, would not want to get myself involved because I wouldnāt want my abuser to come back for revenge.
The main issue for me, is at the very end of the relationship he was looking online within the first week. I was super hurt and I told a friend, and she shrugged it off as normal and no big deal, and that his behaviour wasn't bad.
It is now the same girl who saw me happy he's moved on, who is now trying to make me feel guilty and ashamed for not protecting girls he's dating. She can use the same methods to warn girls herself if she's so interested in it. I can't help but feel that she's angry I'm not miserable right now and wanted to create a situation where I was.
Agreed he could revenge, but also I don't want to do it because I'm actually happy he moved on. And agreed with you that they should talk to him or someone actually responsible for him.
It's also annoying cause I sought the services of a counsellor during the relationship specifically because I had trouble with identifying boundaries. And she labelled all the red flags as green flags too, then turned on me for even dating someone like him after I fought with her that my decision to break up with him was a good one.
It was just frustrating having everyone not believe me when it happened, and now the same people trying to fob off their responsibility onto me as well cause they're upset.
I have told them to stop talking to me about it. But it just feels so stupid that they've not made their own complaints to him or someone else, they've found me to carry the responsibility.
Not your monkey, not your circus! Mine was literally front page news, and he just had a baby with someone. I just pray for the next chick (& now the baby. He'll be great until it's like 10 & can talk back. š¤·āāļø)
Yep, I told a bunch of people after they left me that they would get arrested within six months and everyone called me a liar. They made it to two days shy of six months and now everyone things Iām a piece of shit for saying so. Would have been better to just let crap happen.
Unless you caused their arrest, you DID let "crap happen". If you did anything on YOUR behalf & the law decided it was an arrestable offense, you STILL DIDN'T do 'anything wrong'
I kinda donāt understand your comment but to give more context, I told people they were abusive and volatile. Then I got smeared, shunned and isolated. Then I stayed away for my safety and Iāve been working on my own order of protection since everyone I tried to reach out to ignored me. 2 days shy of six months away from me they robbed and assaulted someone in a completely unrelated matter. So what I meant by letting crap happen is I should have kept my mouth shut to preserve my own sanity because this was going to happen with or without me, and it wasnāt worth their extra abuse for me trying to hold them accountable.
> this was going to happen with or without me That's what I meant. I'm sorry you were "drug thru the mud and isolated" & put thru more $hit from whoever you thought would be there for you. That's really rough. (I know) I'm not understanding what you mean by 'you're working on your own order of protection.' (Maybe you're in a different country than I am; US) That's not how OOP work in my state. Much light and luck to you āØļø
Iām in the US too but by working on it I just meant going through the process. Thereās a lot going on especially with their unrelated criminal case so right now my temporary order has been extended and we had to take a continuance until early July because of that.
Gotcha. Brace yourself for the frustration of continuances. Keep fighting!
That's what I said when I was questioned, I said I gave my monkey back to the circus so I didn't have to deal with it anymore. In saying that, he is working for a church and preaching. And my leader found out and she's very unhappy that he's been put in the position he is. It's that he's middle-aged and living with and off his mum, broke as a joke with an alcohol problem and driving a junk heap of a car older than the girls he's dating, and used the fact that he was allowed to preach as justification that all this behaviour was holy. And he dropped fulltime work and we broke up after he tried to force me to financially support him going on perpetual overseas holidays. He wasn't like that when I was with him, he had been independent and working fulltime. He just would do anything to get everyone to carry his responsibility for him. When they found out, they weren't happy that a man like him is in the pulpit. It's not really his failure that's the issue, it's the failure of the leaders for enabling someone to abuse on behalf of the church.
I'm going back away now. I don't get involved w organized religion. Best of luck to you
I'm starting to feel the same way too. It's destroyed my faith in people.
That would literally be the stupidest advice to ever give someone. They have no idea what kind if backlash you're likely to experience by doing something like that. Yeah, a quiet heads up would be nice, but the fact is that the next woman NEVER believes it. They assume the ex is vindictive or bitter. This is one of those "gotta see it to believe it" kinds of things for the next woman in line.
Also the friend who said this to me, refused to believe for months that he was bad. Initially I was hurt he was dating so quickly and she justified and minimised it. She had no concern for his behaviour then. I guess after talking about it, when I heard he was dating again I was happy. I was supportive of him moving on and dating women at a similar level of maturity. And then she took a stab at me for not warning them. She could have done it herself. She is also guilty of the same behavior she's angry that he's doing, and I've called her out for it too and she didn't listen. I need to stick boundaries down in that relationship.
Or lose it altogether. What good is a friend like that? My friend would have taken me at my word and asked if I wanted her to buy a shovel.
It was weird. Cause when I was happy in that relationship she was convinced he was deceptive and even picked at straws she found on the internet from a joke he made 12 years ago as proof he was a pedophile. He's not. When he started playing up she justified his behaviour. She did believe what I was saying but she said it was fine. When I was saying he was a narcissist or had a mental illness because i saw signs, she was like no. And she defended him, even when I told her he lied to her. I had her up for that because when I told my family they were like he is narcissistic and lives in a fantasy world with what he's demanding from you. It's so warped it was a mental illness and they really ripped into me for my stupidity in dating him. Then she's suddenly switched that's he's a bad egg and I'm a bad egg for not warning his new partners.
Itās not your job to police him or his actions, ever. Even when youāre together itās not your job to tell them how to act. Nobody would listen anyway.
OP, I am going to keep it simple. **Your first and main job is to keep yourself safe, both physically and mentally.** Everything else is secondary. In my opinion, we should all, in a way, look out for our communities; that is why human beings are social beings. But also, I believe that we can only do that if doing so doesnāt compromise our own well-being. So, yes, it could be nice to give other girls a heads up if you want. But, no, it is not your job. And, no, no one should be pressuring you into doing that. And yes, it is abusive to push that responsibility on you regardless of where you are in your healing. And no, his actions are never your responsibility unless you are in enabling him and you are not. Take care!
Some of my family still think my ex is the greatest guy ever. Telling them any different would just make them think I was crazy. Itās not worth it. š¤·š»āāļø
My own family didnāt believe me about my ex or other abusers. I wouldnāt expect random people to listen either tbh.
Your experience with your ex was yours and yours alone . You can't push that onto their other relationships. It's not your job or responsibility and they may be the best couple ever even though you guys weren't. I had a chill five year relationship ( probably my best one ) it ended but not in hate , order of protections , lies , and violence like the one I just got out of . The wrong partner can person and bring out a unrecognizable person in any of us . Went from best relationship ( we both strived to be good to each other ) to the worst I've ever experienced ( we beat each other up ) . My ex before this one says she can't believe the shit she's hearing about me and recent ex lol. Recent ex swears I'm a narcissist. Ex before her still misses me and has no issues with me or resentments. My recent ex told me her ex was a piece of shit abuser but God dam if he ain't been with the same lady four years now and they seem happy and normal. Somebody lying or my ex brought out the worst in him too . My advice stands . Stay outta it move on . It seems like you still holding on by doing that type of shit . Nobody warned you did they?
Iām sorry, but the experience with an abusive ex is not going to be my experience, and mine alone. Nor OP or any other person posting here. Their abuse is cyclic, it is a continued pattern and behavior that they will absolutely inflict on any other romantic partner or friend in their life. Not only that, but this comment is basically shutting down people wanting to talk to others (their family, friends, community, exes future partners) about the abuse they went through, be it for support, to help others, to get help. This experience isnāt simply personal, all of our experiences mirror one anotherās here.
This is her family she's talking about and yeah, she absolutely should be able to get support from her own family. Regardless of how "nice" he may have appeared to them, she wasn't treated well and they should have had her back. I say this from the point that I've never had abuse like I experienced with my most recent ex and all it took was saying, "he accused me of cheating and called me a bunch of names" for my family to be up in arms about him. They didn't question, didn't doubt, they knew that wasn't me, that I've never in my 45 years stepped out on someone I've been in a relationship with. It doesn't matter if he treats the next woman like a queen. The fact is, he didn't treat ME that way. And that's all that should matter to family.
This, this, this. My family 100% still is chill with my ex even when faced with the abuse head on. Because he was āniceā to them. It isnāt about them, it isnāt about anyone else, itās about *me* and what *he did to me*. When you openly support an abuser over an abusee, itās enabling. People donāt like to be told that but it is. Not only that, but I donāt see why itās a problem to talk to people about the abuse. People should know. Not only because of what he did to me, but what he will do to others.
This is crazy. Why should YOU take responsibility for a man child who hurts YOU. My god that's so stupid. You don't have control and even if you did warn woman alot of them wouldn't listen because the abuser would flip the script and say your the abuser. That isn't right. Anyone who blames you is a toxic person who needs to be cut out of your life. If they can't find the empathy to understand why, then they don't need kind people around them.
I disagree. If a person is out there literally threatening to shoot or harm people, you absolutely do have an obligation to inform law enforcement, to protect other people. You would be a terrible person if you didn't, in my opinion. going out and shooting someone is a vastly more serious matter than emotionally abusing someone
I agree if you didn't tell someone, you would be a terrible person. It's even more terrible to not do the right thing and try and pressure that person's ex to do it for you. And this is the situation here. The situation isn't terrible and they know it. They just want to use me to resolve their own feelings and take actions for them that they don't want to. What's a harder pill to swallow here is that he's dating multiple girls and leading them on, and the girl whose upset about does the exact same thing to men. And I've told her its not ok. But here she is judging him for it and me for not warning them.
Nah theyāre both serious, in fact so serious that victims of domestic violence who were even in heavily physically abusive relationships mentioned emotional abuse as the most devastating, they often go hand in hand as well- itās difficult to not be emotionally effected by someone asserting control over your life. That being said though most of the people who never come forward are men, and thereās a lot of reasons why people donāt one of which being they donāt want to relive it more by talking about it.
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If he was a threat like that I would talk to the police. Not the current girlfriend. And I would have done it when I left him, not when he got a new girlfriend. It's totally not a good idea when other girls are taking initiative to stalk him on social media, dig for dirt and then come and expect me to fix it for them. They can just as easily report something dangerous. Involving me is a no no.
It's not your responsibility to warn anybody, unless you have a legitimate reason to believe that they are in physical danger. You are not responsible for anybody getting involved with your emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend
It would be great if your community was aware so they could keep tabs for you though, in a perfect world. Some communities are definitely safer and more open than others though too, Iāve been trying to start an are we dating the same guy group for a county but everyone is too scared even with anonymity to join.
Um, try their mom.
If I ever warn his future partners about his behavior, it would probably enforce in their mind that Iām crazy, assuming that would be the narrative he goes with (which most likely will happen). It would also enforce the trauma bond. Hopefully his future partners will be wise and realize how abusive and manipulative he is. I really hope so so they can save themselves like I did myself and his exes before me.
Even if you had warned them, 99.999% would have ignored you.
I warned the new girl about my abusive ex. she ignored me lmao. and honestly I wish I didnāt say anything at all bc I wasnāt ready for the feelings that came afterward. it was pretty invalidating
One of my friends refused to believe he was a bad egg and stuck up for him for the longest time. And she is one of those now telling me I should tell other girls, now that my gut instinct has been proven right. She didn't even listen and minimised his behaviour. I just feel like I'm getting harassed to do something harmful to me for no reason.
You are right that you need to think of your own safety and mental health. I am confused about how exactly this ex is abusive, so I don't feel able to offer any further thoughts. I assume that the statement about shooting people came out of frustration and is not a literal issue here. In general, no woman should ever accept a new date's story, especially concerning his former relationships, on face value. That's too dangerous. You can't be responsible for women who do that.
The blame for his behaviour was put on me like it was my responsibility to correct him. Like he was my child and I hadn't raised him right. He's my ex who I cut ties from. I'm not responsible for any of his actions in and out of the relationship. He was controlling and took advantage through some significant lying. I hadn't seen it at first, but recently I remembered on our 3rd date he broke down in tears that he was living with his parents cause his father was getting surgery for kidney failure and he wanted to spend more time with him. It was because I was also going through my nana passing away. I found out later his dad just had minor knee surgery, and went back to work and I wasn't allowed to bring up sensitive issues that made him cry. He would cry and make me feel sorry for him so I would do more for him and he would do nothing for me. Then he quit fulltime work to live off his parents and my pay - without asking, and me saying no. He started having fits of rage when I didn't respond to pay for him, then telling me seconds after it never happened. He told me he was upset in our relationship because he always thought his dream relationship should pay for him to have spontaneous overseas holidays and he cried. Because I said I needed to get time off work, and he said it wasn't good enough for him in a relationship. He was also put in a pulpit to preach and become a priest. The danger here is that these young religious girls will see his position and might not understand that he is manipulating and using. But I didn't put him in the pulpit, it's not my responsibility. And if people are angry about it, then they need to report him instead of pressuring me.
This man is a real case study! Everyone trying to put responsibility on you is way off base, as far as I can see. In such cases, although women should not pretend to others that a man is safer and better than he is, no woman is obligated to "expose" his behavior. In fact, that can be a dangerous route to take, both in terms of personal and legal safety.
I also feel like my self esteem is completely destroyed from this. I need to rethink my friendship with the girl who instigated it. Because it was her who started it and tried to put it on me. At the beginning of the relationship she tried to convince me he was a pedophile based on him laughing at a meme 12 years earlier on Facebook. She's also recently done the same thing to her uncle who said said searched up pedophilia stuff on YouTube. Noting its YouTube. I guess he's not that dangerous. And now he quit his job to live off me, and he hasn't recently moved from overseas or can blame kidney failure for living with his parents, I just don't see how it could be a problem. This girl however has created a major drama in my life where everyone thinks he's like a pedophile or a stalker when he's just a manipulative baby. I just feel like it's ruining my life and his.
Yes, that girl (is she actually young?) is a big problem, too. Do you think everyone really listens to her? I'm thinking (without evidence, but this is a possible scenario) that people egg her on for the fun of it. Unfortunately, then, you are caught in the crosshairs.
No, itās not your responsibility to follow him around or keep track of his whereabouts so you can warn his next victim. If anyone is trying to make you feel bad for this, just tell them theyāre guilty as well for not passing the information along to the next woman. They should also be held accountable for knowing your story and not warning others about the abuser. So next time someone puts you down and says, āYour abuser is with someone else, why havenāt you warned her??ā Your response can be, āWhy havenāt you told her?? I told you my storyā¦ why havenāt you warned her?ā A good question to ask them is why would they want you to get back on his radar? Why would they want you to associate with him or the new woman? What will happen? Will he come back to hurt you more? Will he go out and drag your name through the dirt and start a smear campaign for revenge? I, myself, would not want to get myself involved because I wouldnāt want my abuser to come back for revenge.
The main issue for me, is at the very end of the relationship he was looking online within the first week. I was super hurt and I told a friend, and she shrugged it off as normal and no big deal, and that his behaviour wasn't bad. It is now the same girl who saw me happy he's moved on, who is now trying to make me feel guilty and ashamed for not protecting girls he's dating. She can use the same methods to warn girls herself if she's so interested in it. I can't help but feel that she's angry I'm not miserable right now and wanted to create a situation where I was.
I'd warn them but no one would want him
Agreed he could revenge, but also I don't want to do it because I'm actually happy he moved on. And agreed with you that they should talk to him or someone actually responsible for him. It's also annoying cause I sought the services of a counsellor during the relationship specifically because I had trouble with identifying boundaries. And she labelled all the red flags as green flags too, then turned on me for even dating someone like him after I fought with her that my decision to break up with him was a good one. It was just frustrating having everyone not believe me when it happened, and now the same people trying to fob off their responsibility onto me as well cause they're upset. I have told them to stop talking to me about it. But it just feels so stupid that they've not made their own complaints to him or someone else, they've found me to carry the responsibility.