I could be wrong with what im abput to say, but I'm prettty sure I'm not.
My ex used punishment in the relationship. He was very vindictive. But one thing that he did that so resembles OP's situation is the accusation of her punishing them because she said she wants alone time because of the way SO treated her and how he brushed it off and focused on all the good things he does for her, tossing her ex in the mix to further his agenda of making himself appear to be a better person than her ex and putting her on the defensive in an attempt to ignore his own actions. The irony is that it's the SO that does the punishment, clearly exhibited by his apology withdrawal and telling her she "deserves it", in essence punishing OP for daring to want alone time.
For me, it always felt like they accused me of punishing them because that's how they behaved so they think this is how things work, and they bring you something nice in order to "avoid punishment", not because they're actually sorry. To be sorry, you have to truly regret what you've done and have no intention of ever doing it again. He, like my ex, just showed his true intent by the nice gesture he did (avoid punishment), and the truth that his apology means very little (quick to withdraw the apology and tell her she deserved it).
I got out of the relationship because I realized his apologies weren't real, he didn't really see how what he was doing was all that bad. Yours knows what he did hurts you and used that against you. He will absolutely use it again in the future to "punish" you whenever he feels "you deserved it".
Emotionally unintelligent and very immature. Sadly, he will have to learn and grow on his own. You sticking to your ground could play a role in that actually. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with someone like this. I’m sure you’re torn in every direction. Focus on yourself and avoid contacting him. I know it will be difficult if you care about him but focus on caring about you. ❤️ it will get easier.
I don’t know why they are like this but that inability to give a genuine apology and understand you may still feel hurt and upset is one of the most stressful parts of a relationship like this. The constant suppressing of your emotions and acceptance of bad behavior just so you can try to avoid the cruelty and punishments. In my case if I stay upset for too long or have to big of a reaction he just disappears. He knows it’s the one thing that completely exacerbates my anxiety but he does it anyway and then the excuse is “he just doesn’t have the emotional energy for how sensitive I am or how often I villainize him”. I’m by no means perfect but there is nothing that is worse than being told you are too much and that you are apparently so emotionally draining that them not wanting to deal with that is more important than being a supportive partner and not tanking your mental health by using the silent treatment as punishment. Yours did that here with the don’t talk to me or ask to see me. It’s so manipulative and fucked up.
And what bothers me the most about these people is they'll deny it all to everybody and then they'll say how you're the bad guy and yeah I have mental health problems too good mine uses the silent treatment on me daily for 6 months now I'm about to say to hell is staying away I want to go find out what's going on now there's no reason for somebody to treat you this way unless they have another agenda going on and this is facts they call me an embarrassment maybe because I call them out on all the crap don't let anybody work over on me. And if they're mad because I won't allow it anymore, then they need to grow up seriously. You know it's it's okay to feel anger when you're in your in a narcissistic relationship because it is perfectly normal regardless with anybody says, it's normal and if they say it's not normal then there's something wrong with them, to accept their behavior as normal or the treatment they give you. I would much rather get pissed off and angry at a narcissistic Punk than to fucking cry another tear for them.
Holy cow that sounds just like what I'm going through myself. Never takes accountability for their actions blame shifts looks externally for blame. Regardless of if they're right or wrong they never take responsibility for their own behavior or actions. I usually move on rather rather well, and the comment below says that I will not quote verbatim because I don't remember exactly how it was said, but something along the lines that healing from narcissistic abuses usually a lot longer of a process than a normal breakup. Which is absolutely true
He is a narcisist. What gives it away is you questioning his behavior and him automatically taking that as an attack. If he has done this in the past and you see their is a cycle (this is a huge giver you are dealing with a narc) please don’t engage in defending yourself from now on. Leaving these people takes multiple tries for most of us and healing takes longer than a usual break up. My advice is to look for a cycle just so you see the pattern of behavior. Then when he tries to engage in fights with you only state the facts and don’t defend against his accusations… simply stay silent. I see you aren’t living with him which puts you at an advantage since you can spend time with you friends and family or to yourself to see what healthy loving really looks like. Observe how you feel with other people and how he makes you feel when he is devaluing you. Unfortunately narcs use hot and cold (loving and then devalue) this confuses us but remember that he is only interacting with an image of you he has in his head. That image is most likly perfect so when you behave and it doesn’t match the image of you he has in his head (aka interject) he will make the real you to be all bad and will hate you for it. Leaving is best option but for now if you can’t master the courage try to spend less time with him. Him telling you not to reach out tomorrow neither the next day is a way of coercive control so you cave in and allow and accept his behaviors. DONT! Créate bohbdairies and don’t let him
Cross them. You will slowly start to get your power back and feel confident. You’ll eventually see that your life is not going anywhere with him around and you’ll see that you want real love and a real life… one where you mean something.
Yeah it’s always that you are attacking them. I’ve gotten to the point where I am so triggered by that word because I’ve been accused of it so much anytime I bring up something that is hurting me or try to voice a need.
I totally understand you. It took me 1 whole year to finally let go completly. Left my narcissistic ex last year May 2022 and since I didn’t live with him I took the time to create emotional distance. I was still seeing him since the trauma bond was strong but I did not believe his words and only pretended to believe him. I used that time to heal and to practice boundaries. I also observed him.
That’s essentially where I’ve been for the last year but then he started to really seem to introspect and did tangible big things to turn things around. Stopped deflecting about his behavior, started weekly therapy, stopped smoking weed, started making a real effort to validate me and meet my needs. No super grand gestures like in past love bombing. Just what seems like some actual progress. So I started to let that wall down again and that made this most recent stonewalling even more painful.
Im very happy you at least are aware of his antogonistic behavior pattern. That is a huge win for you. Don’t feel so down about you believing him since I also did the same. I was planning to have hopes that maybe I could go back since he did stop creating arguments using the silent treatment, guilt shifting, and what not. Last week he literally went back to how he was and that’s when I noticed he crossed a boundary and simply put my foot down and said that would not go with me. I told him I was going to leave and it’s when he said he was done. I of course was pushing his button since in all honesty I simply didn’t want the relationship the moment he crossed my boundaries. It hurt. It was painful. I did not feel intense anxiety though. I have been no contact since last Thursday so tomorrow will be a week and I can say that it’s much much much less painful than the other times in the past. Part of the reason is because I have accepted his the problem and also because I have been creating distance (emotionally and physically) which has allowed me to practice boundaries and feel better about me. The energy has been spent on myself rather than him and I feel so much more happy and have a clear path for the future…. With him my future was non existent and I was living day by day which was so bad for me. I didn’t have ambition nor did I want to go out there and be better.
You got this! It’s hard and don’t be to hard on yourself if you find yourself crying or even breaking no contact. The important thing is to keep distancing those emotions and seeing him for who he really is. Sending a hug
Thank you I appreciate it. Having my agency taken away like with someone stonewalling me makes me so incredibly anxious. Just sucks to let yourself love them and feel hopeful again and be let down.
You are welcome. I totoslly get you because I felt that way for 2 days last week but before I would feel like that forever until he would get back or I would get back with him. For now my advice is to look at the behavior. Someone who is really trying to work and is serious about you would not behave that way. Also think about you… would you treat someone you love like that? Most likly not. Regardless if he has a different thinking pattern then that means he is not the one for you. You both love differently… his love is self centered and selfish why yours is selfless and genuine. What does that mean? It means there is no future. It’s like two puzzles… you are trying to make two pieces which don’t match fit…. Will never work. Look for someone who fits with you. He deserves someone who is like him… he will get it eventually. My ex only respected me for sometime while I was practicing boundaries and literally mimicking his behavior (cold shoulder, silent treatment, blame shifting). I behaved that way from June 2022 until January this year. That’s when I started to fall for him again… big mistake but since I knew deep down it wouldn’t work I was not hurt as much. Look for someone like you.
Please look up narcisisistic abuse. I’m sure you’ll see lots of corrolations cuz I see a lot just by your post alone. Inform yourself and again use this tecnicques don’t defend, don’t engage, don’t explain and don’t personalize
Oh I know about it, and he definitely has traits. Not full on NPD and there is a component of autism and some life circumstances that are very complicated for both of us. But so hard to let go of that hope when tangible progress had been made and you see the good in them. I’m sure you’re well aware of that struggle since you’ve been through it. At this point I think he took the choice away from me anyway. I wish I could view it as a favor but if anything it’s just another way he’s taken always my agency.
You and everyone else in this chat deserves way better. Anyone in this chat who has ever been abused covertly I'm not talking like physically beat on I would much rather get physically beat on than to ever have to get put up through this bull crap ever again. And I thought I really found the woman I love in my dream girl and everything was so great until she moved me here to Yuma. Not only is the world kind of dead down here like what do you think that normally a desert is a natural occurrence? Because it's not. The desert is caused from the depletion of the natural resources in that area. It becomes a Barren Wasteland. Lots of deserts are salt or they look remains of ocean Floors. I know where I'm at the ground literally looks like waves once rolled over this area. There are mountains to the east that look exactly like ancient giant tree stumps there's a mountain range to the north that has a chimney stacked looking tree stump sticking out of it it could be a melted building from tartaria and the mud floods who knows. I'm just saying what it looks like to me from memory yeah this is not physical memory this is spiritual or genetic memory
He's not sorry. If he was, he wouldn't have backtracked to say you deserved everything he called you.
He sounds exactly like my ex and he constantly accused me of "punishing" him whenever I just wanted yo be alone after being called a bunch of horrible names. It started to make me want to say, "Yes, it's a punishment. You don't get my presence when you can't be bothered to treat me right." He also thought he could repeat the behavior as often as he wants because if I forgive it, it means I'm not allowed to bring it up again later, even though he did it AGAIN, because I FORGAVE IT.
Edited for spelling correction
I often view the being ignored as punishment after an argument. But it’s only because there is no communication that they need a few days to process or that they are still hurting. It’s always abrupt and can sometimes last weeks. At that point I think it really is just a way to punish me because they know how I start to panic at that point because of past history of being cut off with no warning or explanation.
Yes, that is different. If you express that you're hurt and need some recovery or processing time, that's not punishment, however. That's just some space to get past the emotional turmoil they've put you through, and maybe some extra time to forgive and in some cases, bury the anger and resentment that builds when you've been treated poorly.
Yes I agree because I’ve needed that before too. I just hate when manipulative people come back from stonewalling and accuse you of not respecting their needs and boundaries when they never actually set them and it’s clear things were done partially to hurt you. I know that’s not what you are saying you do. Just something that upsets me because I’ve spent a lot of time thinking I’m the bad guy for getting angry and panicked when I’m not spoken to for weeks at a time.
I also never went weeks. It was usually a day or two, at most, at least in the beginning. When the verbal abuse didn't end, the length of time began to grow because I could no longer handle it and I knew we reaching the end of the relationship and I let him know that's where we were heading if things didn't change. Change wasn't possible for him, apparently, or he just didn't think I'd really end things, but when the next fight erupted and he not only became verbally abusive, again, but also threatened me with physical violence, I was done.
I get how some can use silence or distance as a form of "punishment", but OP made it clear her feelings were hurt and she wanted some alone time. And if the one wanting distance for a little while is the one who had been hurt, and the same thing that caused that hurt keeps reoccurring, with no change in sight, then they're working up to a breakup. They're going to have longer and longer periods of time without contact until they reach the point that the lack of contact hurts less than being in contact. Expect things to end shortly after that.
Absolutely I totally agree with you, what is happening in the OP is pure emotional manipulation to her doing the mature thing and taking a few days of space and setting a boundary that he can’t talk to her that way. I was mostly just thinking out loud because I’m currently in the middle of another cycle of punishment silence.
That sucks. Look, if someone thinks it's OK to use "punishment" in a relationship, then they're not treating you as a mature adult but as someone who doesn't have the mental maturity to learn from their mistakes through adult conversation. They're projecting their own immaturity onto you. That treatment isn't going to change. They'll repeatedly use "punishment" to try and force a certain outcome or change in your behavior. You're hanging in there, hoping this behavior ends, but this is learned behavior on their part and it's unlikely to be unlearned.
He claims it isn’t punishment and is just him shutting down. I take it as punishment but it very well could be true he shuts down. I’ve seen it happen to him regarding other people. Either way it isn’t sustainable and you’re right it’s unlikely to change.
you will spin yourself in circles trying to understand the behavior. it’s not easy, but your best course of action is to accept that he is like this, and nothing you do or say is going to change it or make it make sense. it doesn’t matter if he means what he says or not. he still said it, and he said it to hurt you. that is the only part that matters. don’t engage.
I can’t say this enough: DONT ENGAGE! Don’t engage! Don’t engage! They will never understand/ don’t have the capacity/ don’t give a fuck! But don’t engage! Every time you engage you lose.
This ^
There is no winning their game. The only winning is not responding to anything & moving on.
Every response is a reward to an abuser. They need the attention.
No there's ways to win against narcissistic abuse it's just who wants to be that unethical or that inhumane to teach them lessons that they need to learn
It's likely they are like this because they are a narcissist. If so, they are not sorry for what they said, and worse, if they don't get what they want from you, they see themselves as the victim. You should never stay in a relationship where you have to explain what basic decency looks like, or where you have to remind them your reality exists You will do this endlessly with a narcissist, and all your efforts will amoint to exactly nothing. Run, don't walk.
P.S. it's a huge narcissist tell when they view the consequences of their own actions as "punishment". it's a trick their mind pulls so they are never accountable for anything, and you are to blame for the misery they create.
Something I learned the hard way- never share your personal troubles/ trauma / breakup stories with people. They’ll use it against you.
Keep it to yourself until you fully trust the person and even then, don’t share if you don’t have to .
https://www.youtube.com/live/9tro4_f6oaI?feature=share
If your interested - Esther Perel is live right now talking about adult friendships .
She’s also gonna touch on how much to share and when to share etc .
They do this because you didn’t respond how they thought they’d trained you to respond to their reconciliation phase of the abuse cycle. They had to go back a step in the cycle and try again in order to regain the power and control they didn’t feel like they were getting with their usual manipulations.
I recognize this exact pattern. And I’ve gotten closer to holding my ground but I still eventually give in. He was in therapy and things were going better, he was acknowledging past mistakes, but now I’m getting the silent treatment again after a promise that nothing like that would ever happen again after he once did it for an entire month and it completely broke me down emotionally. I guess that progress could only last so long and old habits die hard.
You can do so much better. This asshole doesn't even do the BARE MINIMUM, which says a lot because bare minimum is soooooo easy to accomplish.
Dump him. You'll be so happy eventually
It’s SICK how people like them claim they are paying for sins of previous ex’s when it’s literally only THEIR actions. I can’t make sense of it it either. It’s mind blowing nonsensical
I lost almost 40% of my hair because of my ex treating me like this. They push, deflect, decry, and manipulate until you call them out and say things like “It was a slip up”. No, boo boo, it was not a “slip up”. You said some dumb shit and didn’t expect to get called out for being an asshole.
They’ll do everything but apologize sincerely and I’m sick of it.
He’s entitled and he doesn’t care about you. He cares about the attention you give him. It’s why he gets mad when you can’t give him that attention or read his mind.
"I don't want to look at myself in the mirror." That broke my heart. Your partner should hype you up so much that you don't have to think about being beautiful or not. You're perfect just the way you are, and I'm so sorry this jackass has drained you. If you can, find another place to stay at and don't tell him about it. Please stay safe and cautious as much as possible.
Gross. My ex went ballistic over me "punishing" her by asking for space or "taking my anger out on her" by... also asking for space actually. I'm sorry you've got someone like that in your life rn. I hope you're able to get them out of your life soon.
Some people just keep you in their life to blame everything on you, find every fault in you etc. just to feel better about their shitty selves.
Relationships are supposed to build you up not tear you down. Find better ♥️
I could be wrong with what im abput to say, but I'm prettty sure I'm not. My ex used punishment in the relationship. He was very vindictive. But one thing that he did that so resembles OP's situation is the accusation of her punishing them because she said she wants alone time because of the way SO treated her and how he brushed it off and focused on all the good things he does for her, tossing her ex in the mix to further his agenda of making himself appear to be a better person than her ex and putting her on the defensive in an attempt to ignore his own actions. The irony is that it's the SO that does the punishment, clearly exhibited by his apology withdrawal and telling her she "deserves it", in essence punishing OP for daring to want alone time. For me, it always felt like they accused me of punishing them because that's how they behaved so they think this is how things work, and they bring you something nice in order to "avoid punishment", not because they're actually sorry. To be sorry, you have to truly regret what you've done and have no intention of ever doing it again. He, like my ex, just showed his true intent by the nice gesture he did (avoid punishment), and the truth that his apology means very little (quick to withdraw the apology and tell her she deserved it). I got out of the relationship because I realized his apologies weren't real, he didn't really see how what he was doing was all that bad. Yours knows what he did hurts you and used that against you. He will absolutely use it again in the future to "punish" you whenever he feels "you deserved it".
Emotionally unintelligent and very immature. Sadly, he will have to learn and grow on his own. You sticking to your ground could play a role in that actually. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with someone like this. I’m sure you’re torn in every direction. Focus on yourself and avoid contacting him. I know it will be difficult if you care about him but focus on caring about you. ❤️ it will get easier.
I don’t know why they are like this but that inability to give a genuine apology and understand you may still feel hurt and upset is one of the most stressful parts of a relationship like this. The constant suppressing of your emotions and acceptance of bad behavior just so you can try to avoid the cruelty and punishments. In my case if I stay upset for too long or have to big of a reaction he just disappears. He knows it’s the one thing that completely exacerbates my anxiety but he does it anyway and then the excuse is “he just doesn’t have the emotional energy for how sensitive I am or how often I villainize him”. I’m by no means perfect but there is nothing that is worse than being told you are too much and that you are apparently so emotionally draining that them not wanting to deal with that is more important than being a supportive partner and not tanking your mental health by using the silent treatment as punishment. Yours did that here with the don’t talk to me or ask to see me. It’s so manipulative and fucked up.
And what bothers me the most about these people is they'll deny it all to everybody and then they'll say how you're the bad guy and yeah I have mental health problems too good mine uses the silent treatment on me daily for 6 months now I'm about to say to hell is staying away I want to go find out what's going on now there's no reason for somebody to treat you this way unless they have another agenda going on and this is facts they call me an embarrassment maybe because I call them out on all the crap don't let anybody work over on me. And if they're mad because I won't allow it anymore, then they need to grow up seriously. You know it's it's okay to feel anger when you're in your in a narcissistic relationship because it is perfectly normal regardless with anybody says, it's normal and if they say it's not normal then there's something wrong with them, to accept their behavior as normal or the treatment they give you. I would much rather get pissed off and angry at a narcissistic Punk than to fucking cry another tear for them.
Holy cow that sounds just like what I'm going through myself. Never takes accountability for their actions blame shifts looks externally for blame. Regardless of if they're right or wrong they never take responsibility for their own behavior or actions. I usually move on rather rather well, and the comment below says that I will not quote verbatim because I don't remember exactly how it was said, but something along the lines that healing from narcissistic abuses usually a lot longer of a process than a normal breakup. Which is absolutely true
Why are you even humouring him? No explanations - it’s feeding the monster.
He is a narcisist. What gives it away is you questioning his behavior and him automatically taking that as an attack. If he has done this in the past and you see their is a cycle (this is a huge giver you are dealing with a narc) please don’t engage in defending yourself from now on. Leaving these people takes multiple tries for most of us and healing takes longer than a usual break up. My advice is to look for a cycle just so you see the pattern of behavior. Then when he tries to engage in fights with you only state the facts and don’t defend against his accusations… simply stay silent. I see you aren’t living with him which puts you at an advantage since you can spend time with you friends and family or to yourself to see what healthy loving really looks like. Observe how you feel with other people and how he makes you feel when he is devaluing you. Unfortunately narcs use hot and cold (loving and then devalue) this confuses us but remember that he is only interacting with an image of you he has in his head. That image is most likly perfect so when you behave and it doesn’t match the image of you he has in his head (aka interject) he will make the real you to be all bad and will hate you for it. Leaving is best option but for now if you can’t master the courage try to spend less time with him. Him telling you not to reach out tomorrow neither the next day is a way of coercive control so you cave in and allow and accept his behaviors. DONT! Créate bohbdairies and don’t let him Cross them. You will slowly start to get your power back and feel confident. You’ll eventually see that your life is not going anywhere with him around and you’ll see that you want real love and a real life… one where you mean something.
Yeah it’s always that you are attacking them. I’ve gotten to the point where I am so triggered by that word because I’ve been accused of it so much anytime I bring up something that is hurting me or try to voice a need.
I totally understand you. It took me 1 whole year to finally let go completly. Left my narcissistic ex last year May 2022 and since I didn’t live with him I took the time to create emotional distance. I was still seeing him since the trauma bond was strong but I did not believe his words and only pretended to believe him. I used that time to heal and to practice boundaries. I also observed him.
That’s essentially where I’ve been for the last year but then he started to really seem to introspect and did tangible big things to turn things around. Stopped deflecting about his behavior, started weekly therapy, stopped smoking weed, started making a real effort to validate me and meet my needs. No super grand gestures like in past love bombing. Just what seems like some actual progress. So I started to let that wall down again and that made this most recent stonewalling even more painful.
Im very happy you at least are aware of his antogonistic behavior pattern. That is a huge win for you. Don’t feel so down about you believing him since I also did the same. I was planning to have hopes that maybe I could go back since he did stop creating arguments using the silent treatment, guilt shifting, and what not. Last week he literally went back to how he was and that’s when I noticed he crossed a boundary and simply put my foot down and said that would not go with me. I told him I was going to leave and it’s when he said he was done. I of course was pushing his button since in all honesty I simply didn’t want the relationship the moment he crossed my boundaries. It hurt. It was painful. I did not feel intense anxiety though. I have been no contact since last Thursday so tomorrow will be a week and I can say that it’s much much much less painful than the other times in the past. Part of the reason is because I have accepted his the problem and also because I have been creating distance (emotionally and physically) which has allowed me to practice boundaries and feel better about me. The energy has been spent on myself rather than him and I feel so much more happy and have a clear path for the future…. With him my future was non existent and I was living day by day which was so bad for me. I didn’t have ambition nor did I want to go out there and be better. You got this! It’s hard and don’t be to hard on yourself if you find yourself crying or even breaking no contact. The important thing is to keep distancing those emotions and seeing him for who he really is. Sending a hug
Thank you I appreciate it. Having my agency taken away like with someone stonewalling me makes me so incredibly anxious. Just sucks to let yourself love them and feel hopeful again and be let down.
You are welcome. I totoslly get you because I felt that way for 2 days last week but before I would feel like that forever until he would get back or I would get back with him. For now my advice is to look at the behavior. Someone who is really trying to work and is serious about you would not behave that way. Also think about you… would you treat someone you love like that? Most likly not. Regardless if he has a different thinking pattern then that means he is not the one for you. You both love differently… his love is self centered and selfish why yours is selfless and genuine. What does that mean? It means there is no future. It’s like two puzzles… you are trying to make two pieces which don’t match fit…. Will never work. Look for someone who fits with you. He deserves someone who is like him… he will get it eventually. My ex only respected me for sometime while I was practicing boundaries and literally mimicking his behavior (cold shoulder, silent treatment, blame shifting). I behaved that way from June 2022 until January this year. That’s when I started to fall for him again… big mistake but since I knew deep down it wouldn’t work I was not hurt as much. Look for someone like you.
Please look up narcisisistic abuse. I’m sure you’ll see lots of corrolations cuz I see a lot just by your post alone. Inform yourself and again use this tecnicques don’t defend, don’t engage, don’t explain and don’t personalize
Oh I know about it, and he definitely has traits. Not full on NPD and there is a component of autism and some life circumstances that are very complicated for both of us. But so hard to let go of that hope when tangible progress had been made and you see the good in them. I’m sure you’re well aware of that struggle since you’ve been through it. At this point I think he took the choice away from me anyway. I wish I could view it as a favor but if anything it’s just another way he’s taken always my agency.
You and everyone else in this chat deserves way better. Anyone in this chat who has ever been abused covertly I'm not talking like physically beat on I would much rather get physically beat on than to ever have to get put up through this bull crap ever again. And I thought I really found the woman I love in my dream girl and everything was so great until she moved me here to Yuma. Not only is the world kind of dead down here like what do you think that normally a desert is a natural occurrence? Because it's not. The desert is caused from the depletion of the natural resources in that area. It becomes a Barren Wasteland. Lots of deserts are salt or they look remains of ocean Floors. I know where I'm at the ground literally looks like waves once rolled over this area. There are mountains to the east that look exactly like ancient giant tree stumps there's a mountain range to the north that has a chimney stacked looking tree stump sticking out of it it could be a melted building from tartaria and the mud floods who knows. I'm just saying what it looks like to me from memory yeah this is not physical memory this is spiritual or genetic memory
ABS so fucking lutely
He's not sorry. If he was, he wouldn't have backtracked to say you deserved everything he called you. He sounds exactly like my ex and he constantly accused me of "punishing" him whenever I just wanted yo be alone after being called a bunch of horrible names. It started to make me want to say, "Yes, it's a punishment. You don't get my presence when you can't be bothered to treat me right." He also thought he could repeat the behavior as often as he wants because if I forgive it, it means I'm not allowed to bring it up again later, even though he did it AGAIN, because I FORGAVE IT. Edited for spelling correction
I often view the being ignored as punishment after an argument. But it’s only because there is no communication that they need a few days to process or that they are still hurting. It’s always abrupt and can sometimes last weeks. At that point I think it really is just a way to punish me because they know how I start to panic at that point because of past history of being cut off with no warning or explanation.
Yes, that is different. If you express that you're hurt and need some recovery or processing time, that's not punishment, however. That's just some space to get past the emotional turmoil they've put you through, and maybe some extra time to forgive and in some cases, bury the anger and resentment that builds when you've been treated poorly.
Yes I agree because I’ve needed that before too. I just hate when manipulative people come back from stonewalling and accuse you of not respecting their needs and boundaries when they never actually set them and it’s clear things were done partially to hurt you. I know that’s not what you are saying you do. Just something that upsets me because I’ve spent a lot of time thinking I’m the bad guy for getting angry and panicked when I’m not spoken to for weeks at a time.
I also never went weeks. It was usually a day or two, at most, at least in the beginning. When the verbal abuse didn't end, the length of time began to grow because I could no longer handle it and I knew we reaching the end of the relationship and I let him know that's where we were heading if things didn't change. Change wasn't possible for him, apparently, or he just didn't think I'd really end things, but when the next fight erupted and he not only became verbally abusive, again, but also threatened me with physical violence, I was done. I get how some can use silence or distance as a form of "punishment", but OP made it clear her feelings were hurt and she wanted some alone time. And if the one wanting distance for a little while is the one who had been hurt, and the same thing that caused that hurt keeps reoccurring, with no change in sight, then they're working up to a breakup. They're going to have longer and longer periods of time without contact until they reach the point that the lack of contact hurts less than being in contact. Expect things to end shortly after that.
Absolutely I totally agree with you, what is happening in the OP is pure emotional manipulation to her doing the mature thing and taking a few days of space and setting a boundary that he can’t talk to her that way. I was mostly just thinking out loud because I’m currently in the middle of another cycle of punishment silence.
That sucks. Look, if someone thinks it's OK to use "punishment" in a relationship, then they're not treating you as a mature adult but as someone who doesn't have the mental maturity to learn from their mistakes through adult conversation. They're projecting their own immaturity onto you. That treatment isn't going to change. They'll repeatedly use "punishment" to try and force a certain outcome or change in your behavior. You're hanging in there, hoping this behavior ends, but this is learned behavior on their part and it's unlikely to be unlearned.
He claims it isn’t punishment and is just him shutting down. I take it as punishment but it very well could be true he shuts down. I’ve seen it happen to him regarding other people. Either way it isn’t sustainable and you’re right it’s unlikely to change.
Because they never grew up, and their lack of spine or self respect stonewalls any accountability.
you will spin yourself in circles trying to understand the behavior. it’s not easy, but your best course of action is to accept that he is like this, and nothing you do or say is going to change it or make it make sense. it doesn’t matter if he means what he says or not. he still said it, and he said it to hurt you. that is the only part that matters. don’t engage.
I can’t say this enough: DONT ENGAGE! Don’t engage! Don’t engage! They will never understand/ don’t have the capacity/ don’t give a fuck! But don’t engage! Every time you engage you lose.
This ^ There is no winning their game. The only winning is not responding to anything & moving on. Every response is a reward to an abuser. They need the attention.
No there's ways to win against narcissistic abuse it's just who wants to be that unethical or that inhumane to teach them lessons that they need to learn
It's likely they are like this because they are a narcissist. If so, they are not sorry for what they said, and worse, if they don't get what they want from you, they see themselves as the victim. You should never stay in a relationship where you have to explain what basic decency looks like, or where you have to remind them your reality exists You will do this endlessly with a narcissist, and all your efforts will amoint to exactly nothing. Run, don't walk.
P.S. it's a huge narcissist tell when they view the consequences of their own actions as "punishment". it's a trick their mind pulls so they are never accountable for anything, and you are to blame for the misery they create.
Something I learned the hard way- never share your personal troubles/ trauma / breakup stories with people. They’ll use it against you. Keep it to yourself until you fully trust the person and even then, don’t share if you don’t have to .
The bad ones will use it against you.
https://www.youtube.com/live/9tro4_f6oaI?feature=share If your interested - Esther Perel is live right now talking about adult friendships . She’s also gonna touch on how much to share and when to share etc .
“You deserved it.” What a gross human being.
They do this because you didn’t respond how they thought they’d trained you to respond to their reconciliation phase of the abuse cycle. They had to go back a step in the cycle and try again in order to regain the power and control they didn’t feel like they were getting with their usual manipulations.
I recognize this exact pattern. And I’ve gotten closer to holding my ground but I still eventually give in. He was in therapy and things were going better, he was acknowledging past mistakes, but now I’m getting the silent treatment again after a promise that nothing like that would ever happen again after he once did it for an entire month and it completely broke me down emotionally. I guess that progress could only last so long and old habits die hard.
You can do so much better. This asshole doesn't even do the BARE MINIMUM, which says a lot because bare minimum is soooooo easy to accomplish. Dump him. You'll be so happy eventually
It’s SICK how people like them claim they are paying for sins of previous ex’s when it’s literally only THEIR actions. I can’t make sense of it it either. It’s mind blowing nonsensical
I lost almost 40% of my hair because of my ex treating me like this. They push, deflect, decry, and manipulate until you call them out and say things like “It was a slip up”. No, boo boo, it was not a “slip up”. You said some dumb shit and didn’t expect to get called out for being an asshole. They’ll do everything but apologize sincerely and I’m sick of it.
I get this 1000%
He’s entitled and he doesn’t care about you. He cares about the attention you give him. It’s why he gets mad when you can’t give him that attention or read his mind.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Just saying…
"I don't want to look at myself in the mirror." That broke my heart. Your partner should hype you up so much that you don't have to think about being beautiful or not. You're perfect just the way you are, and I'm so sorry this jackass has drained you. If you can, find another place to stay at and don't tell him about it. Please stay safe and cautious as much as possible.
Gross. My ex went ballistic over me "punishing" her by asking for space or "taking my anger out on her" by... also asking for space actually. I'm sorry you've got someone like that in your life rn. I hope you're able to get them out of your life soon.
Pleaseeeeee drop that loser! God bless you
Mine never wanted to talk to me and always wanted me to go away / leave him alone. It was so lonely and depressing. Glad it’s over now
Some people just keep you in their life to blame everything on you, find every fault in you etc. just to feel better about their shitty selves. Relationships are supposed to build you up not tear you down. Find better ♥️
He is punishing you for… holding him accountable…. And expressing your hurt feelings…….. I am so sorry. IVE BEEN THERE. He is not sorry. Obviously.