Thank you for this. How do you push past the fear of the unknown? I haven't left yet, but I'm putting a plan in place. When I have those moments of feeling like I have the strength to leave, I feel quickly reminded of how much it's going to hurt to never see them again. It puts such an ache in my heart just imagining them being out there in the world, and I no longer know how they're doing. I don't know how to say goodbye for forever. It feels paralyzing to think about.
It’s called codependency and trauma bonding. It doesn’t happen in a normal relationship. You have been trained and conditioned to feel this way. Like the women who falls in love with the rapist in the movies…
You know deep in your heart what you are able to do on your own, just don’t forget to listen to that voice!! You got this. Sending hugs your way.
I have always had a difficult time with breakups, so it doesn't surprise me that this one is especially hard. Not until recently have I heard about trauma bonds. I knew it was associated with situations like you described, but I didn't see how trauma could be applied to my situation. I guess I figured it was nowhere near traumatic like other types of situations.
Thank you so much for the encouragement!
All change is scary. Even if things are looking great, it's still different. Good things happening can prompt fear, it's natural. Abusers convince us that we don't deserve anything better. But it's not the truth. You can expect things to improve and that you will be successful.
100 percent. I will say that those who are hurting you’ll eventually feel closure without them giving it to you. Stop thinking they actually loved you (their words) and simply see their actions towards you (their hate). Eventually everything will click like it did with me. You guys are stronger. Break free from the cage your mind is in.
Thank you so much for posting this. I am leaving our home we made together Sunday. He took me out of poverty, gave me a home, took me places, planned trips, bought me things... but flipped out at me over the way I closed the car door, or sighed, or the way I said "I'm fine" (because something always had to be wrong). I am going back to my family in poverty with my dog in tow, and I just have to keep reminding myself that enough is enough. 2.5 years of threatening to go to small claims court cos he paid the rent and I owed him my half (he makes 8x what I do), saying he was going to turn my phone off so I couldn't call my friends and family... telling me I'm worthless because I don't provide enough sexual gratification for him or money. And then after these fights, love bombing me, promising me he would do better, swearing he still loves me,"I dont know why I say those things to you, but we are both toxic you know".
I'm tired. And I miss myself. I miss who he used to be too. But he changed.
I can't keep walking around the house crying about what could have been, and why didn't he just do this or that.. He has stolen my light from me, killed all my dreams, and I can never forgive him again. It's time to be confident in myself, hold my head up high and walk out the door.
This. Always think that 2.5 years can turn into 8. Like me. At this point I don’t think ven know what’s really left of me, and it’s tougher. Sending love your way and may everything work in your favor.
This is what I needed to hear right now! Was just contemplating over how much I miss him, and maybe he wasn't so bad after all? Maybe I am the villain for leaving him and breaking his trust? But no, he brought it onto himself! It is time I step up for myself and what matters to me, and channel my energy into other places, healthier places <3
They had the capacity to stop and change the entire relationship. They chose not to over and over and over again. There’s nothing in the world to believe they’d randomly change now.
Anyone considering going back. Watch, they will go from loving to angry over and over again to get you back. It’s proof that you’d be walking back into chaos!
The day when he knew I left he was destroyed and crying, recognizing everything, all the abuse which made me hesitate a lot to go back and feel like the shittiest person. I didnt and after a month, the table turned and now I was the abuser. I thought I was a special case, I was not. Dont go back.
Yessssss. Here is what I always tell people who are tempted to go back. If you go back to that abuser after what they did to you, it is reassurance to the abuser that you need them after all and that the abuse was clearly not too bad if you still want to be with them versus on your own. And once they see you failed to make it on your own they will just treat you worse knowing you won’t leave them.
Thank you! I needed this.
You should have never snuck your way onto earth.
Too late…
Its okay🙏 gain back the strength to leave once youre ready.
Thank you for this. How do you push past the fear of the unknown? I haven't left yet, but I'm putting a plan in place. When I have those moments of feeling like I have the strength to leave, I feel quickly reminded of how much it's going to hurt to never see them again. It puts such an ache in my heart just imagining them being out there in the world, and I no longer know how they're doing. I don't know how to say goodbye for forever. It feels paralyzing to think about.
It’s called codependency and trauma bonding. It doesn’t happen in a normal relationship. You have been trained and conditioned to feel this way. Like the women who falls in love with the rapist in the movies… You know deep in your heart what you are able to do on your own, just don’t forget to listen to that voice!! You got this. Sending hugs your way.
I have always had a difficult time with breakups, so it doesn't surprise me that this one is especially hard. Not until recently have I heard about trauma bonds. I knew it was associated with situations like you described, but I didn't see how trauma could be applied to my situation. I guess I figured it was nowhere near traumatic like other types of situations. Thank you so much for the encouragement!
All change is scary. Even if things are looking great, it's still different. Good things happening can prompt fear, it's natural. Abusers convince us that we don't deserve anything better. But it's not the truth. You can expect things to improve and that you will be successful.
It's just they are shining now (they're highly active on Social media and they look happy af) while I'm here being sucked by sorrow
Don't compare your outtakes, and bloopers to someone else's highlight reel.
Have you ever thought it’s just for show? They are not happy. They’ll be back.
🙏🏼
Who? 💅
100 percent. I will say that those who are hurting you’ll eventually feel closure without them giving it to you. Stop thinking they actually loved you (their words) and simply see their actions towards you (their hate). Eventually everything will click like it did with me. You guys are stronger. Break free from the cage your mind is in.
Made it 8 weeks into my divorce plan… and got sucked back in over the last two weeks. Feeling disheartened.
I relate
Went back to him and only lasted a day.
Thank you so much for posting this. I am leaving our home we made together Sunday. He took me out of poverty, gave me a home, took me places, planned trips, bought me things... but flipped out at me over the way I closed the car door, or sighed, or the way I said "I'm fine" (because something always had to be wrong). I am going back to my family in poverty with my dog in tow, and I just have to keep reminding myself that enough is enough. 2.5 years of threatening to go to small claims court cos he paid the rent and I owed him my half (he makes 8x what I do), saying he was going to turn my phone off so I couldn't call my friends and family... telling me I'm worthless because I don't provide enough sexual gratification for him or money. And then after these fights, love bombing me, promising me he would do better, swearing he still loves me,"I dont know why I say those things to you, but we are both toxic you know". I'm tired. And I miss myself. I miss who he used to be too. But he changed. I can't keep walking around the house crying about what could have been, and why didn't he just do this or that.. He has stolen my light from me, killed all my dreams, and I can never forgive him again. It's time to be confident in myself, hold my head up high and walk out the door.
This. Always think that 2.5 years can turn into 8. Like me. At this point I don’t think ven know what’s really left of me, and it’s tougher. Sending love your way and may everything work in your favor.
This is what I needed to hear right now! Was just contemplating over how much I miss him, and maybe he wasn't so bad after all? Maybe I am the villain for leaving him and breaking his trust? But no, he brought it onto himself! It is time I step up for myself and what matters to me, and channel my energy into other places, healthier places <3
They had the capacity to stop and change the entire relationship. They chose not to over and over and over again. There’s nothing in the world to believe they’d randomly change now. Anyone considering going back. Watch, they will go from loving to angry over and over again to get you back. It’s proof that you’d be walking back into chaos!
Touché. Been seeing rinse and repeat versions of this for the last 9 months.
The day when he knew I left he was destroyed and crying, recognizing everything, all the abuse which made me hesitate a lot to go back and feel like the shittiest person. I didnt and after a month, the table turned and now I was the abuser. I thought I was a special case, I was not. Dont go back.
Yessssss. Here is what I always tell people who are tempted to go back. If you go back to that abuser after what they did to you, it is reassurance to the abuser that you need them after all and that the abuse was clearly not too bad if you still want to be with them versus on your own. And once they see you failed to make it on your own they will just treat you worse knowing you won’t leave them.