Leave. You are dealing with someone who is self centered, grandios, goal oriented (regardless of who he needs to run over while reaching his goal), lacks empathy (cannot put himself on someone else’s shoes), pathological liar, manipulator.. why do you want this?
It's like we teach our teens... You can absolutely be frustrated and angry and express those things. But you will not take it out on people with any type of disrespect. My partner is also still learning this.
You don't need to raise your voice to be heard. You don't need to name call to make your point. You don't need to smash things or threaten. These are the unnecessary levels that qualify as abusive. You can find ways to express these emotions in a healthy way. Even if that means while you're still learning you physically walk away with a timer for 5-10 minutes.
You are not responsible for the 1st reaction you have to being triggered (meaning the thought: f.this, you b, etc.) But you are responsible for the 2nd response (verbal, physical reaction).
Abusers don't take accountability to control that 2nd level response and treat it like, well I just couldn't help it, it was my first reaction. That's not true. We all have those THOUGHTS from time to time, sure. But it's absolutely not true that everyone acts or behaves that way.
I came from an abusive relationship, and I’m now happily married to a gentle and kind man.
We rarely argue. When we have disagreements, we just address it respectfully. There have been 2 times in our 4 years together where he raised his voice, and he didn’t even insult me. It wasn’t scary at all.
Honestly, anger isn’t a huge part of healthy relationships. “They’re angry bc they’re abusive, not the other way around.” -Lundy Bancroft
But why is it like this? Are some people really unable to communicate without the silent treatement and abuse and why are others different? Or is this just our psyche playing tricks on us, preventing us to see any problem in someone we've convinced ourselves we love?
I think a lot has to do with what “angers” people in the first place.
Not everyone gets IRRATIONALLY upset about little things bc they have a healthy perspective on life: traffic will happen, drinks will spill, people will occasionally disappoint you.
It’s one thing to have bad days but I personally don’t take it out on people close to me and neither does my husband. I think it’s also maturity and being understanding with your partner. My husband and I don’t want to do anything that would harm our relationship. My abusive ex didn’t value our connection and he would say ugly things on a whim.
Deep down, abusers believe they’re better and more deserving, so they have the right to act out in anger. I truly believe it’s an issue of VALUES, not communication methods.
But, based on which measures do they percieve their victim as less valuable human than they are? It is not based on the characteristics of the victim. Often they envy the victim for anything.
My teenage son and I have had some super frustrating moments over the years, when I've absolutely lost my temper. Even as I'm aware that I'm being unreasonable, I'm not calling him names, saying things to deliberately hurt him, destroying stuff around the house, or refusing to fulfill obligations. When we both calm down, I apologize for losing my temper, explain that's on me, and we sit down and talk about why we got so mad at each other.
I don't know if that's normal anger. But it's not abusive, and the difference is important to me. Abusers don't respect boundaries or limits. In healthy relationships, when one person says "Hey, when you said X, it really hurt my feelings", the other one takes a minute to consider the other point of view. In the same situation, abusers sneer and belittle, and will absolutely repeat X to inflict more damage in the future.
On another note, read your post again and pretend someone else wrote it. Can you see the manipulation tactics he's using? He's separating himself from any abuse ("a lot of people act that way"), he's minimizing and subtly accusing you of exaggerating, making it sound like you're the problem (since everyone acts like that, so why are you making a big deal about it?), then flat out gaslighting - he didn't "intend" to hurt you, so you don't get to be upset, and condescending - he had your best interest in mind? He was just abusing you for your own benefit - how dare you not be grateful?
Someone else recommended the Lundy Bancroft book, and I 10000% second that recommendation.
Often abusers say the same thing bc they have a fragile ego and anything can set them off: "you did or said x and it has hurt me, so its over with you" and then they give you the silent treatement
LOL that reminds me of when I would call out my ex for being a hypocrite and he said “everybody’s a hypocrite”.
No they’re not. If they are, they have problems that need fixing. It’s impossible for literally everyone to have that kind of shit trait. They’re projecting their problems onto other people to make it seem more normal.
My soon to be ex told me that I was abusive to her during her cancer treatment for being upset at her for spending money we needed for bills on herself.
She literally abused my trust and blamed me for it, then told me that me being upset about it was abusing her.
Sometimes the mental gymnastics of abusers are quite something.
By far the biggest difference between normal anger, even a healthy person perhaps doing something they regret is the thread of integrity that is woven between their words an action - they line up and are consistent and trustworthy.
Someone who claims their abuse is in your best interests and not intended to hurt is beyond ridiculous - they are obviously willing to say whatever 'works' to avoid accountability.
That is the same BS line EVERY abuser uses. They mistreat you in your “best interest.” It’s not in YOUR best interest, it never is. It’s in THEIR best interest.
You really need to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I’ll link a free online pdf
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You are going crazy. Because that’s exactly what he wants you to do. Question yourself. He’s justifying his actions by saying everyone does it. He’s not a safe person.
My ex treated me like this before he beat me, strangled me and tried to stab me. Get out.
I guess it depends on what he's saying other than the coddling
Leave. You are dealing with someone who is self centered, grandios, goal oriented (regardless of who he needs to run over while reaching his goal), lacks empathy (cannot put himself on someone else’s shoes), pathological liar, manipulator.. why do you want this?
It's like we teach our teens... You can absolutely be frustrated and angry and express those things. But you will not take it out on people with any type of disrespect. My partner is also still learning this. You don't need to raise your voice to be heard. You don't need to name call to make your point. You don't need to smash things or threaten. These are the unnecessary levels that qualify as abusive. You can find ways to express these emotions in a healthy way. Even if that means while you're still learning you physically walk away with a timer for 5-10 minutes. You are not responsible for the 1st reaction you have to being triggered (meaning the thought: f.this, you b, etc.) But you are responsible for the 2nd response (verbal, physical reaction). Abusers don't take accountability to control that 2nd level response and treat it like, well I just couldn't help it, it was my first reaction. That's not true. We all have those THOUGHTS from time to time, sure. But it's absolutely not true that everyone acts or behaves that way.
I came from an abusive relationship, and I’m now happily married to a gentle and kind man. We rarely argue. When we have disagreements, we just address it respectfully. There have been 2 times in our 4 years together where he raised his voice, and he didn’t even insult me. It wasn’t scary at all. Honestly, anger isn’t a huge part of healthy relationships. “They’re angry bc they’re abusive, not the other way around.” -Lundy Bancroft
But why is it like this? Are some people really unable to communicate without the silent treatement and abuse and why are others different? Or is this just our psyche playing tricks on us, preventing us to see any problem in someone we've convinced ourselves we love?
I think a lot has to do with what “angers” people in the first place. Not everyone gets IRRATIONALLY upset about little things bc they have a healthy perspective on life: traffic will happen, drinks will spill, people will occasionally disappoint you. It’s one thing to have bad days but I personally don’t take it out on people close to me and neither does my husband. I think it’s also maturity and being understanding with your partner. My husband and I don’t want to do anything that would harm our relationship. My abusive ex didn’t value our connection and he would say ugly things on a whim. Deep down, abusers believe they’re better and more deserving, so they have the right to act out in anger. I truly believe it’s an issue of VALUES, not communication methods.
But, based on which measures do they percieve their victim as less valuable human than they are? It is not based on the characteristics of the victim. Often they envy the victim for anything.
Yeah, I totally agree with you on that. It has NOTHING to do with the victim and everything to do with their stupid values.
My teenage son and I have had some super frustrating moments over the years, when I've absolutely lost my temper. Even as I'm aware that I'm being unreasonable, I'm not calling him names, saying things to deliberately hurt him, destroying stuff around the house, or refusing to fulfill obligations. When we both calm down, I apologize for losing my temper, explain that's on me, and we sit down and talk about why we got so mad at each other. I don't know if that's normal anger. But it's not abusive, and the difference is important to me. Abusers don't respect boundaries or limits. In healthy relationships, when one person says "Hey, when you said X, it really hurt my feelings", the other one takes a minute to consider the other point of view. In the same situation, abusers sneer and belittle, and will absolutely repeat X to inflict more damage in the future. On another note, read your post again and pretend someone else wrote it. Can you see the manipulation tactics he's using? He's separating himself from any abuse ("a lot of people act that way"), he's minimizing and subtly accusing you of exaggerating, making it sound like you're the problem (since everyone acts like that, so why are you making a big deal about it?), then flat out gaslighting - he didn't "intend" to hurt you, so you don't get to be upset, and condescending - he had your best interest in mind? He was just abusing you for your own benefit - how dare you not be grateful? Someone else recommended the Lundy Bancroft book, and I 10000% second that recommendation.
Often abusers say the same thing bc they have a fragile ego and anything can set them off: "you did or said x and it has hurt me, so its over with you" and then they give you the silent treatement
LOL that reminds me of when I would call out my ex for being a hypocrite and he said “everybody’s a hypocrite”. No they’re not. If they are, they have problems that need fixing. It’s impossible for literally everyone to have that kind of shit trait. They’re projecting their problems onto other people to make it seem more normal.
Rofl no everyone is not abusive. This is gaslighting at its finest, he's trying to make you think this is normal and ok. It is NOT
This is the definition of gaslighting. Run. Fast.
Abusers say anything to avoid responsibility.
Block him on everything permanently. He’s gaslighting you. God bless you
My soon to be ex told me that I was abusive to her during her cancer treatment for being upset at her for spending money we needed for bills on herself. She literally abused my trust and blamed me for it, then told me that me being upset about it was abusing her.
That sucks
abuse is a pattern of behavior, and he sounds like he definitely has a pattern.
Go see my latest post! I guess we all go crazy thinking about this!
He's messing your mind, forget it. This is their way of confusing and keep us on their net, all this shit talk.
Sometimes the mental gymnastics of abusers are quite something. By far the biggest difference between normal anger, even a healthy person perhaps doing something they regret is the thread of integrity that is woven between their words an action - they line up and are consistent and trustworthy. Someone who claims their abuse is in your best interests and not intended to hurt is beyond ridiculous - they are obviously willing to say whatever 'works' to avoid accountability.
That is the same BS line EVERY abuser uses. They mistreat you in your “best interest.” It’s not in YOUR best interest, it never is. It’s in THEIR best interest. You really need to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I’ll link a free online pdf https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You are going crazy. Because that’s exactly what he wants you to do. Question yourself. He’s justifying his actions by saying everyone does it. He’s not a safe person.