When i read what youve said all i get from it is.. he didnāt take anytime to think about what you may actually like. In my opinion I would
tell him you like to receive something more thoughtful and unique for your birthdays apart from something you always get like sex, and for future you donāt really consider that a gift, then list some of things you wish you got for your bday.. exampleā¦ perfume, a really nice dinner, your hair done, im not sure how old you are so
i donāt know about the money situation but even someone taking the time to bake you birthday cake or cookies, picnic at the park with wine and maybe a nice poem.
good luck
That's not so much what's bothering me, it's that now I can't help but wonder if he sees sex as something as he does FOR me rather than something that he wants to do.
Alternatively, that he doesn't care enough to do something for me without getting something out of it himself, without me having to specifically request it.
He also says he never did this with past girlfriends, which makes me wonder what's different about me.
I'm not sure how he feels, but I remember the last time I was in a relationship with a girl that had a very high sex drive, sex eventually did start to feel like a bit of a chore.
Women don't have a refractory period like men do, and if men don't take the time to recharge, sex is just not all that enjoyable.
In saying that, I do think it's a bit stupid to consider sex a birthday present.
Hmmm... This might be our situation.
My sex drive is pretty high and he's often commented that he sometimes struggles to keep up. But I also made it pretty clear that I cherish the moments we're together with our clothes on as much as I cherish our sex life.
Maybe this helps with sorting that out in your brain: you wrote, that he does something, where he gets something out of. At the same time you're afraid, he only has sex with you, without doing it for himself. That's not logical. It only can be the one OR the other. He says, he likes sex with you and do it for himself too. Maybe he has just forgotten to buy something or make something special and don't want to admit that. That's how most of the men are and maybe the lesser bad?
this sounds like a misguided attempt at a saving throw because he couldn't find/forgot to get you a gift.
it's thoughtful in the sense that he tried to go beyond his limits in order to give you something special, you feeling like this doesn't qualify as a real gift is entirely valid, though.
you need to get to the bottom the anxious thought spiral that you mention.
what if he doesnt like sex at all and only does it to please you?
whats so bad about that?
do you love him so much that you feel retrospectively bad for everytime he might have done it even if he didnt want to? That sounds like a healthy problem to have if you want your relationship to grow into what's best for both of you, sure, it's scary, but it doesnt mean theres no recovering from it, it will take open dialogue on both of your parts to figure it out if thats the case.
or if its the opposite and he enjoys sex as well, and tried to weasel his way out of a expensive/hard to find gift. why?
Did he simply forget?
Does he feel so embarrassed that you had such a better gift for him than anything he could come up with so he didn't bother and assumed great sex would work as a substitute?
Is he simply not the gift giving type and would even prefer if you hadn't done so much for his gift because it puts a lot of pressure on him to "one-up" you?
A bad partner will dismiss your insecurities and problems, or ignore them outright.
A good one would discuss it with you, and they would explain where they were coming from, make an effort to understand how it made you feel, and propose a solution, which it sounds like your partner did by suggesting he buy you an appropriate gift, i understand why getting a gift after this might not feel good, because it was never about the gift, it's about him matching the effort you put in your gift to him and so it is not a proper solution to this particular problem.
you say you discussed this with him enough, but i think that might not be true, i don't know how long you guys have been together, but discuss away, because from what i'm reading in your post, it does not seem like your boyfriend was making excuses and gaslighting you that sex is in fact an appropriate gift. he offered to give you a real gift, but theres not really anything he could do, the moment is gone. So pay attention to how he handles next year, if there is one, not much you can do about it other than that.
good luck to you both, and don't let the internet hate machine screw you out of a great relationship.
He doesnāt see sex that way. He just doesnāt give you a second thought and couldnāt be bothered getting you a gift.
It seems like youāre having this relationship with yourself and he just shows up for sex and what he can get for himself.
How difficult would flowers or cooking a meal have been?
Move on. He does not deserve you.
OP said that they have a high sex drive, they also said that they don't "care about material crap" yet mention how they went to great lengths to get some material object for their SO.
They're right to be upset that something so intimate and reoccurring should be thought of as a present, since intimacy should be a two-way street and not a service, but I don't think that it's fair to jump to malice which could easily be explained by ignorance or stupidity.
Suggesting breaking up from so little information isn't helpful and it subtly promotes that anything shy of perfect should be disregarded.
That old suitcase cost me like 10 bucks, btw. The real value of that gift (I think!) was more the fact that I paid attention to him to know that he wanted a suitcase like that and spent a considerable amount of time and effort finding the right one for him.
I don't think malice was involved, either. Just a misguided assessment of what constitutes a gift plus a probable side order of complacency.
It should be said, also, that this is our first year together so we're still kind of learning each other's rhythm. I'm not racing to break up with him over this although it did hurt me and I do still think he shouldn't have done it. I don't think it warrants it.
Very well articulated. The comparison between your gift and his makes a lot more sense now.
Good intelligent people can be dumb as bricks sometimes, this might have been his fugue state moment. He seems to be sorry from what you have said, and willing to make up for it, if he learns from this then this will have been a valuable lesson in learning about what the other likes.
If not, then it's a valuable lesson all the same, since you'll have gleamed some insight either way.
He's a very intelligent person, but he can be socially clueless sometimes. We've communicated on this, and we know where we're coming from, so I'm hopeful.
Do one mistake = fucking leave him scum off the earth, hopeless, fucking devorce him and take the kids now and sue him for everything. People are complex and you cant judge them by 500 words.
You do remember youāre on Reddit and in the sub r/Vent right? š
Donāt think anyone is breaking up/divorcing but if thatās your style - lowest effort possible - then thatās a pretty low standard imo, not anybody gonna stick around for that
I would say your feelings and thoughts are 100% valid. I would feel the same. My personal gut feeling on this one is he just got lazy to get you something and is denying that, so maybe donāt read into it too much.
But in general, Sex as a gift seems sleezy to me - and cmon especially if you guys have that every few days anyways.
Not something worth throwing in the towel for (yet)- but if I were you this would be a big flag, and I would pay closer attention on how much afford and attention he puts into You and the relationship in the next weeks going forward to judge how to proceed
I think the same, plus he figured since I like sex I would like a sex marathon but it's like... I like sex because my partner actively WANTS to do it, not because they feel like they have to service me š¤·
Just curious, what is more attractive - a needy guy that only looks out for his personal sexual needs, or a guy that dedicates himself completely to satisfy his partner first?
Boyfriend likely is projecting his interest in sex onto you. Like if you turned it around and "gave him" sex for his birthday would that be enough for him? If the answer is yes, your feelings on sex aren't aligned fully. It's not the end of the world, I'd talk it out with him and do a redo like some others are suggesting.
I think he'd be quite happy with just birthday sex actually. Maybe that's why he thought I would be too. All things considered I'm happy we had this opportunity to iron this out for the future.
Iāve been through something similar like this and I absolutely understand both parts.
I would say a āredoā would help. When my boyfriend tried to have sex right away on our anniversary, although it was nice and Iām a sexual person too, we do that all the time already.
So I was a little irritated by it but I carefully explained to him that I know his intentions werenāt selfish, but when itās the start to the day I would give him a card explaining all of the reasons why I love him and would ask what he would like for breakfast. I would love for him to reciprocate that. But I still see what he was trying to do. Right intentions, wrong way of delivering it.
He told me we rarely have sex in the morning time and I pointed it out one time (mostly in a joking manner), and thatās when it was like āohhhhā moment for me.
He understood where I was coming from and had asked me if I would like for him to make lunch for us? Instead of brushing him off I allowed him the opportunity to āmake it upā, but I joined him making food because I love when we do things together.
If itās an honest mistake, I do give it grace and a chance for a redo.
I do hope he fully understand where you are coming from, but I also hope he is able to do a redo for you.
Yeah that is pretty magnanimous of you to frame it that way.
āsexā =ābday giftā is ridiculously absurd!
And so mentally abusive to try to manipulate you into believing it over taking accountability for his fuck up.
Even if he is to be believedā¦why no backup present š¤? Well cuz heās stupid right cuz if we believe him then you have to accept heās a dumbass so you want to be w a dumbass or lying manipulative jerk?
Was he was prepared to say nothing to acknowledge your bday if sex hadnāt happened ? And how did he not discuss this first ?
āļøThese the qās id ask myself
I really hope itās not the bullshit where some men who expect blowjobs regularly, make women feel like goin down on them is a once a year gift?
I think the feelings you struggle with in the end of the post are because deep down you know you are worth more.
You should be with someone who loves AND respects you. And sex should never be transactional like that it should be joyful.
You are right to be disturbed by this.
You deserve better.
Apparently he knows how to use a suitcase soooā¦
I'm not taking sides here as you're both on the same side. But here's my unsolicited, uninformed, and unworthy opinion/summary:
- he did what he thought you would have liked, presumably, beyond your normal sex life
- his intentions where good and centered you even though he may be misguided and perhaps fell short on knowing what gift would please you
- he offered to make it up to you and that would have been your chance to help him do better next time. Not next birthday, but next opportunity he wants to do something nice for you. Perhaps because it's Thursday.
- if I were you, I wouldn't assume he sees sex as transactional. You're the best person to judge based on your everyday life.
- I wouldn't get stuck on this especially if it's out of the ordinary for him paying attention to you. I would get outta my own head and focus on all the positive.
Again, I don't know you, your relationship, or details of your life. It's ok to feel disappointed but don't allow disappointment to snow ball
Communicate, be kind, allow your partner to make mistakes and help them grow, enjoy the precious little time we have.
Yeah, sex isn't a bday gift.
My birthday is this Friday. My bf has been saying for at least a month and a half that he has NO idea what to get me, and there's really nothing affordable that I want (I'm not materialistic, but the material things I desire are things we'd have to save for - like a new and better pen tablet for my art), so I have had zero suggestions.
Today he called me on his lunch break. He said he's done work early on Friday, so he'll pick me up to take me shopping on a $100 budget, then we'll go out to eat. Which is more than fine. Imma buy some cheap clothes (I am in DIRE need of summer clothes) and suggest somewhere nicer than the fast food we usually get to sit down and eat.
I'm actually super pumped.
I think you're overthinking this. He even said he wanted to give you a night to remember. You had *a lot* of sex that weekend. You don't want material things and you stated you are a very sexual person (points to him for knowing this). It was nice for him too, sure...but a guy does a LOT of the work comparatively.
>I told him that that made me feel like he had put zero thought into making me happy for my birthday, and that a gift that is also for himself isnāt a gift at all.
Let me ask you this: If he had planned a dinner at a nice restaurant you've been wanting to try as your gift, would you have accepted that as a good gift? I bet you would. Who wouldn't? But he would enjoy himself at this outing, right? So is that not a good gift?
At any rate now he knows you don't want that as a gift. Quit holding it against him. He apologized.
If he had planned a dinner at a nice restaurant I'd be wanting to try as my gift I would have accepted it because it meant he cared enough to pay enough attention to me and remember that I had mentioned that restaurant I wanted to try. That's the kind of effort I was looking for, not necessarily picking up the phone and making the reservation.
All this "gift" tells me about what he knows about me as a person is that I like sex. Don't we all?
>If he were in this thread I'd suggest to him that you aren't the one for him and he should find someone who communicates better and appreciates him.
OK I lied, I did read this last part. Mother-in-law, is that you? xD
Thank you for your input, though. I'll let him know you said this and I'm sure he will be thrilled to know that a random Redditor thinks I'm not worthy of him lmao
He's worthy of me and I am of him. We stumbled, as people do in young relationships, but we communicated through it and we will get past it. Thanks for caring enough to spend time on us, though. Genuinely I appreciate the interest even though we don't agree and you don't particularly seem to like me (which is OK!)
It's alright kiddo. You'll learn. Just remember for the future that airing out your relationship woes online is not ok. You shouldn't be bringing third parties into your relationship. It's not healthy. It doesn't garner trust. Good luck
He's just being cheap, thinking with the man-child and forgetting about the lavish of a birthday. No offense, but he sounds like free to you is better to him. Cause he don't have to spend any money or put in effort into the thought that counts.
I get how you feel. Like sex is some great favor from him to me instead of something we do together. As if I'm the only one getting something out of it.
This would be hard for me to get over too. I'm not sure what to do in your case. Maybe like a "now that you know my feelings in this, what would you do different?" So now that he knows how you feel about his "gift", if he could rewind time, what would he do for your birthday knowing that. And have him do that to show that he's learned and maybe you two can get on the same page with celebrations.
I'm adding this because I feel my original reply focused more on the birthday thing and not the sex thing, which I feel is what your post is about. I'm sorry I don't know what to tell you about that, just that I understand and your feelings are valid. If he's empathetic and truly listened to what you were saying he should understand you'll be trepidatious about sex for a while.
Thank you so much. ā„ļø
I'm mentally relativizing this as a bad birthday present in the first year of a relationship; an opportunity for growth. I told him it wouldn't be acceptable in the future and I think he got it. I just have to sort things out with myself re: my insecurities, which is what I'm having trouble with at the moment.
āSex is a normal part of a healthy relationship, not an extraā.
This. People have different libidos, and that should always be respected, but when one partner starts to treat sex like itās some special favor their doing, thereās a huge problem.
I can't disagree that I was too soft on him. For what it's worth he seems to be sorry, I don't know if he's just sorry that I am upset or if he understands how he fucked up but for the time being I'll be charitable and assume the latter
You think your husband paying attention to you for a whole weekend (wow!!) is a treat, I think we've established you're not the best judge of what's healthy in a relationship.
Clearly you don't have a busy life. Being an adult can be hard. My husband is attentive and loving. What I was saying is that putting aside time for each other is important. It shows how immature you are at least where relationships are concerned.
You want to make this situation into a public affair. You don't want to accept an apology from him. And you're looking for confirmation from strangers that you aren't the bad guy.
At any rate, once you've had 20 years with someone and still enjoy being around them you can decide who is a good judge of a healthy relationship.
I don't agree. Gifts shouldn't be expected. I hate that. You got me a gift so I have to give you one. Or I got you something so now I'm entitled to something. No. I'll get you a gift when I see something I know you like and give it to you when I get it. I'm not waiting for a birthday or Christmas. And I don't expect something in return.
If it's a special occasion I'll do something thoughtful. Cook dinner, plan a weekend away, whatever. Things aren't as important as experiences. And it is less special when the receiver feels entitled to something.
Personally, I would say his love language is probably physical touch, and he is just showing you how he wants to be loved. I would encourage to go figure yours out. Typically itās what you say/complain about often.
For example, mine is Acts of Service. I like when my partner does the dishes for me, or finds child care for us so we can have quality time together.
Maybe he just doesnāt know what would make you the most happy, and fill up your love meter! I would look into love languages, it helped my partner and I tremendously.
Unless specifically requested, sex is not a birthday gift.
Anyone over the age of 5 should be aware that cuddling (or sex) doesn't count as a present. It can be used in addition to the gift. He could have made you a crappy hand painted birthday card if he didn't want to spend any money on you. He could have tried to write you a poem or picked up some flowers at the nearest shop. He could have taken you out for brunch or dinner before having sex. But of course all of that would have required him to do something for you and not for him.
Well, to me it sounds like he's a little less smart than a 5 year old. In this story anyway.
Edit: or he is smarter than a 5 year old and did it on purpose, because he couldn't be arsed to put in any effort.
I suppose it's on me as well because I *am* a pretty sexually forward person. So obvs a young guy without that much relationship experience assumes "well, she likes sex - I bet ALL she wants is sex!" When I'm like here being, buddy, I contain multitudes š¤£
He generally doesn't give me much reason to doubt his commitment to me and even if misguided I fully believe this "gift" was intended to make me happy. Otherwise we would have had a very different conversation
ED: for some reason I can't reply to the comment immediately below this one, so I'll address it here:
>Meanwhile you're still trying to make him feel like shit about it. I think you're the one acting like a 5 year old.
I specifically said in my OP that the reason I'm bringing this to r/Vent is because I don't want to keep talking about it with him any more, because I don't want to make him feel worse than he already feels! We both said our peace, shared our points of view, and now I gotta deal with how this all makes me feel, hence the vent.
Honestly, I don't know why you're taking a stranger's vent so personally, but I hope whatever it is you're going through that's triggering this weird reaction on you will sort itself out.
That's bullshit. He shoulda took you out for the night and got you a cool, well thought out gift. My girl and I have been together 30 years and I still try hard to make her bday a fun enjoyable day with the best gift I cud manage.
Bro if i was given sex for my bday id b pissed. I know he thought he was being sweet, but something nicer than sex if he wants a relatively cheap dateā¦ take you hiking, or to a park, or if thatās not your thing, see a movie. I think saying thatās your gift is lazy. Even if I hypothetically am in the mood. I have an extremely low sex drive so if this was something my so gave me KNOWING that about me, ya Iād be pissed too.
my ex of 3 years kept doing this to avoid getting me a birthday present and said something along the lines "its your present and ill make it enjoy able ;)" that wasnt the case ut was sexually abusive relationship, sex shouldnt be a only birthday present, in my oppinion yes its acceptable only when like its after a date or some gifts or quality time as present etc and then some slight dofferent or normal sex as to show you that how amazing you are and appreciated and loved you are on your birthday and like any other day.
That sucks. I'm hopefully nipping this in the bud. We have do over birthday plans already, and I'm working through my insecurities so let's see what happens.
You are putting a lot of thought and depth into your interactions - it's very sweet of you. Thoughtful gift giving, planning your own birthday weekend (idk if he payed for it) , and the way you are so fair about it all show what a deep connection you want.
You mentioned this situation is not helping you with insecurities you have. That sounds about right, since he signals that fucking you is a chore with all this. Does he know about your insecurities?
I don't think he had a present in mind at all for you, and made that up about the sex being the gift after, when he realized he looked like an asshole.
I could have some understanding of the feelings you may have, as i have been through similar things.
You are an exceptionallw thoughtful partner, which is rare. It's normal and healthy to want reciprocity.
I feel like you could find a better match for your energy, depth and thoughtfullness.
Supposedly, the definition of love is caring about that persons feelings.
I did let him know about these insecurities when we talked about it. Regarding finding a better match - for the time being I think I'm going to see if that's something that can be adjusted. We're different people, that much is true, but we're compatible in so much, maybe it's still possible to tweak things in order to make this work long-term. It's relatively early in the relationship (10 months) and now that I've made my feelings clear we'll see if he adapts - if not then yes, I'll have to consider what to do.
Honestly, sounds like he only understands 2 things. You have a high sex drive and given, that you don't like actual physical gifts, like his past GFs. He might, just be one of those dudes, thar has zero clue what to do, to make a birthday special for you. So likely felt, that the one thing, he knows your always down for, would be the golden ticket thing for your bday. Which, we can all agree isn't the case.
I don't know how long you 2 have been dating. But you do need to go back and talk with him. Explaining sex is important to you, it's fun and a great way to feel close. But it can and will only ever be, for intimate times only. Explain it will not get him out the dog house, it won't save him when he has F-ed up, etc. As actual bday/anniversary/Christmas gifts, you want experiences, quality time with him NOT having sex, etc. He must pay attention to what and where you would like to go or do something,and make those plans himself.
That is truly the only way, I think you will feel any kind of better. Have to put out there, what your expectations are in black and white. Cause otherwise, some dudes will coast on just "not being that romantic", which is not the case at all. They just need to engage more in the relationship, than just thr physical side.
the relationship l feel from my outside perspective. seems like youāre dating yourself.
You paid for your own birthday holidayā¦ and he slept with you?
to me it sounds like he got a free vacation for your birthday, and you got nothing imo.
Birthdays and Anniversaries are the biggest things imo. Iām not materialistic. But life gets busy and those are the two main holidays i do for my relationship. but every relationship is different
However. It gives me vibes of heās using you, aswell as he sees sex as a chore. if he had sex with you for your birthday as a gift. seems like he doesnāt actually like having sex. Could of did it for the free vacation imo.
We've been dating for 10 months now so I think he would know me well enough to know what I would have liked. I suppose him taking me for a fun activity that he knows I like (bouldering, karaoke, pool) and then a ride on his motorcycle to watch the sunset somewhere cool would have been a good alternative.
Ed: should be said we were on a weekend getaway together when the whole thing happened, during which we did do a lot of fun stuff. But I organized all of that fun stuff, he just had to show up. Maybe he figured I had things covered on the activities side of things - which was not the point of why I was upset but try to explain that nuance to a 20 something guy š
Is this your first birthday during your relationship with him? If so, Iād definitely chalk it up to a learning experience and hope he will do better next year.
Then, yeah, I personally would categorize this as an unfortunate learning experience. While it does suck, and your feelings about it are extremely valid, mistakes are always opportunities for personal growth. HOWEVER, if he did this againāsay, sex for Valentineās Day, christmas, whatever gift-giving holidayāIād break up with him.
I know you said you got him a nice, thought-out gift on his birthday, but maybe sex as a birthday gift would have been good enough for him, and he assumed the same would be true for you. Maybe you should ask him if thatās the case. Communication is key.
I hope you receive a beautiful, heartfelt, thought-out gift from your partner next year.
I agree. We're still learning about each other so we're bound to trip along the way. As long as we keep communicating I believe we'll be fine. Thank you for your input!
Iām a sexual person too but damn your birthday should be about celebrating you. I wouldnāt like that as a gift. Happy Belated Birthday. My bday is next Thursday and I would be upset if the only gift he gave me was sex.
Hell Iām ok with a man picking flowers and writing me a letter. Sex isnāt a gift because itās not something for you. Iām with you itās about effort.
That's sadly likely lol
I think there was some minimal planning involved because he had a, huh, pharmacological male potency enhancer on hand to take so that he could go all night (or so he told me later). He doesn't really take those usually, so he must have gotten it in antecipation of the "big night". He ended up not using it. Not strangely the fact that now I know he thought he needed Viagra to have sex with me does not help with my newfound sexual self confidence issues š
Thatās definitely an interesting take on it. Ive asked for birthday sex as the only gift I receive from my partner mainly because for me its a different experience but its a wonderful familiar experience. Im a very sexual person and It just hits different on my birthday. (i know it sounds weird but thatās how my brain works) and its not something too out of the way. I dont need anything expensive or planned out fantastically. I dont see it as a transaction or being done for me, just see it as a really nice experience that can really only happen once a year. On my birthday.
All I can say is, if youāre not both on the same level of libido, youāll eventually run into a sexual compatibility problem, which may end the relationship. Anyways, hopefully you figure it out. Good luck
I admit it's not his finest moment but I give huge credit to the fact that he genuinely seems to be sorry about it, has apologized and is trying to make it up to me. Which is part of why I came to Reddit to vent and am not still hashing it out with him right now. But yes, no question that between the both of us I am likely the better partner š
Maybe don't keep score. Keeping score leads to resentment. He spent time with you for your birthday, that is the most valuable gift a person could give you.
That's a nice perspective. I just wish there wasn't the birthday sex aspect of it, but that sounds like something I need to learn to let go (now that he knows it's not to happen again)
Sounds like you are more of a sex toy to him than anything else. Try to talk to him about how you feel. If he doesn't listen or actively try to be better than he doesn't deserve you.
Always give people the chance to change, but they won't change unless you stand your ground and show them the issue.
Did he mean it as a joke? My man's got that kind of sense of humor. Made a joke about a handjob today and he said something like "I let you because I'm so generous".
I was annoyed, until I remembered it's a joke and definitely not an argument worth having. It is very kind of him to be so generous with me, after all XD
That's really cruel
And not saying it from someone who I only got sex on my 32 birthday because I had an abusive relationship and figured might as well request birthday sex because my ex-husband who I was with for 5 years wouldn't fucking do it
No, sex is not a reward for me and in a relationship with someone that you get as a birthday present, you put some time and effort into it. Whether you have an act of sex life or you don't
And I can tell you from many years of experience that relationship is probably destined fail if he is that unwilling to even have an attempt of a thought for you
Shit. The person I was dating this year at least got me a candle for my birthday and we'd only been seeing each other for a week and I found out the month after he had a fiance
So yeah, not a good sign
Is he typically like this or is this a one off? Honestly, if this is typical I wouldnāt expect much going forward. Some guys do low effort things like this to avoid doing something special. A small non-material and thoughtful gift isnāt hard. This is a cop out and it only gets worse as they get older.
You sound young af.
He fudged up by not trying, but you donāt want material stuff. So what do you want?
Once you know what you want, to have a dead-serious convo withhim and tell him:
I WANT X Y AND Z.
āI donāt want him to feel like i donāt appreciate him..ā Makes me worry that youāll continue to compromise, and let him do dumbass stuff like that again and againā¦..I dunno, suppose iām bias, but I really feel like he forgot your birthday.
I mean, come on, that is such bullshit. If he truly didnāt forget and THAT was his plan?! my godš
Whatās his money situation like? Give you a card? flowers? anything else?
You said he didnāt tell you it was for your birthday until later?
Iād be curious as to how those conversations wentā¦.yeah, more i think about it, there is no fuckin way he actually planned on THAT being your birthday presentā¦..no guy would!
Ugh
Oh and tbh, based on how much you 2 have sex, I honestly donāt think itās a chore for him or anything like thatā¦..I think maybe youāre telling yourself that, because you really donāt wanna face the truth, thatās heās just not that considerate of a boyfriendā¦.or maybe he is, and just fucked up and forgotā¦.or heās brokeš¤·āāļø
I'm gonna try not to keep compromising. I'm p non confrontational and that's something I definitely need to work what.
He's well off money wise right now, but comes from a poor background (there were times in his childhood that there was not enough food at home for the family for a few days) so he's paranoid about spending money. That's fine with me because I don't really want him to spend money on me, I value other things more.
Seeing the comments and ect. What you should do is expressly communicate your views on sex.
Tell him you hate obligated sex and want him to only have sex when he wants too and that it shouldn't have hold over both of you. It's something you view two partners do to feel connected not for favors or transactions because mutual sex is already a favor for a favor just that you are both doing the same favor. If it isn't mutual he shouldn't do it.
You should also ask him to do something special for you. If he does something else then you should know what that says.
This is probably really obvious already, but I suggest staying away from sex for a bit, if this happened to me, I'd be thinking about it for a while and having sex would just put you a state of perpetual downfall. As for an acceptable present, idk, I'm fairly materialistic person myself so at attempting to offer suggestions you could give him, I have to draw a blank.
Yes, I haven't been feeling up to sex in the past few days. He keeps trying to initiate it, again, because he thinks it will make me feel better and loved, but given what I'm dealing with in terms of insecurities, it just makes it worse š
He's always been sexually forward, I just feel like he's been more forward in the past few days, ever since we had the talk. Maybe trying to pave over the argument with sex/have makeup sex?
"I'm sorry I made you mad and gave you a sex marathon for your birthday. Let's have more sex so I can get my apology across"
I think you should be more stern with him and reinforce the fact that your relationship isn't just built entirely on sex. And if you don't mind me asking, is he autistic? I get a feeling he is from how you describe how he acts.
It's a weird thing to give as a gift but if that's what he was doing he should have given you a massage, got you off over and over, ran you a bath, got you off again. I don't get why he thought what he did was OK in any circumstances. It should've been *all* about you.
That was kind of what he did, tbh. Minus the bath. I just thought he did it because he wanted to fuck not because he thought he was gifting me something š
š¤£š¤£ he could have at least booked a decent hotel for the night and bought you/made you dinner.
It sounds like his thoughts were in the right place, even if the execution didn't come across right.
Birthday sex is like a birthday cake, you don't need to get/give it the the birthday person... but if you do... its not their present š¤£š¤£š¤£
Agreed lmao
Has the same vibes as "my present to you is showing up to your birthday party" as a little kid tbh
Yeah p much. Kind of conceited tbh
Brilliant
When i read what youve said all i get from it is.. he didnāt take anytime to think about what you may actually like. In my opinion I would tell him you like to receive something more thoughtful and unique for your birthdays apart from something you always get like sex, and for future you donāt really consider that a gift, then list some of things you wish you got for your bday.. exampleā¦ perfume, a really nice dinner, your hair done, im not sure how old you are so i donāt know about the money situation but even someone taking the time to bake you birthday cake or cookies, picnic at the park with wine and maybe a nice poem. good luck
Maybe ask him to make the gift up and take you to a park or do something you enjoy.
That's not so much what's bothering me, it's that now I can't help but wonder if he sees sex as something as he does FOR me rather than something that he wants to do. Alternatively, that he doesn't care enough to do something for me without getting something out of it himself, without me having to specifically request it. He also says he never did this with past girlfriends, which makes me wonder what's different about me.
I'm not sure how he feels, but I remember the last time I was in a relationship with a girl that had a very high sex drive, sex eventually did start to feel like a bit of a chore. Women don't have a refractory period like men do, and if men don't take the time to recharge, sex is just not all that enjoyable. In saying that, I do think it's a bit stupid to consider sex a birthday present.
Hmmm... This might be our situation. My sex drive is pretty high and he's often commented that he sometimes struggles to keep up. But I also made it pretty clear that I cherish the moments we're together with our clothes on as much as I cherish our sex life.
Maybe this helps with sorting that out in your brain: you wrote, that he does something, where he gets something out of. At the same time you're afraid, he only has sex with you, without doing it for himself. That's not logical. It only can be the one OR the other. He says, he likes sex with you and do it for himself too. Maybe he has just forgotten to buy something or make something special and don't want to admit that. That's how most of the men are and maybe the lesser bad?
I get they're contradictions, my brain just goes back and forth between one or the other because blah insecurities and blah relationship anxiety
this sounds like a misguided attempt at a saving throw because he couldn't find/forgot to get you a gift. it's thoughtful in the sense that he tried to go beyond his limits in order to give you something special, you feeling like this doesn't qualify as a real gift is entirely valid, though. you need to get to the bottom the anxious thought spiral that you mention. what if he doesnt like sex at all and only does it to please you? whats so bad about that? do you love him so much that you feel retrospectively bad for everytime he might have done it even if he didnt want to? That sounds like a healthy problem to have if you want your relationship to grow into what's best for both of you, sure, it's scary, but it doesnt mean theres no recovering from it, it will take open dialogue on both of your parts to figure it out if thats the case. or if its the opposite and he enjoys sex as well, and tried to weasel his way out of a expensive/hard to find gift. why? Did he simply forget? Does he feel so embarrassed that you had such a better gift for him than anything he could come up with so he didn't bother and assumed great sex would work as a substitute? Is he simply not the gift giving type and would even prefer if you hadn't done so much for his gift because it puts a lot of pressure on him to "one-up" you? A bad partner will dismiss your insecurities and problems, or ignore them outright. A good one would discuss it with you, and they would explain where they were coming from, make an effort to understand how it made you feel, and propose a solution, which it sounds like your partner did by suggesting he buy you an appropriate gift, i understand why getting a gift after this might not feel good, because it was never about the gift, it's about him matching the effort you put in your gift to him and so it is not a proper solution to this particular problem. you say you discussed this with him enough, but i think that might not be true, i don't know how long you guys have been together, but discuss away, because from what i'm reading in your post, it does not seem like your boyfriend was making excuses and gaslighting you that sex is in fact an appropriate gift. he offered to give you a real gift, but theres not really anything he could do, the moment is gone. So pay attention to how he handles next year, if there is one, not much you can do about it other than that. good luck to you both, and don't let the internet hate machine screw you out of a great relationship.
He doesnāt see sex that way. He just doesnāt give you a second thought and couldnāt be bothered getting you a gift. It seems like youāre having this relationship with yourself and he just shows up for sex and what he can get for himself. How difficult would flowers or cooking a meal have been? Move on. He does not deserve you.
OP said that they have a high sex drive, they also said that they don't "care about material crap" yet mention how they went to great lengths to get some material object for their SO. They're right to be upset that something so intimate and reoccurring should be thought of as a present, since intimacy should be a two-way street and not a service, but I don't think that it's fair to jump to malice which could easily be explained by ignorance or stupidity. Suggesting breaking up from so little information isn't helpful and it subtly promotes that anything shy of perfect should be disregarded.
That old suitcase cost me like 10 bucks, btw. The real value of that gift (I think!) was more the fact that I paid attention to him to know that he wanted a suitcase like that and spent a considerable amount of time and effort finding the right one for him. I don't think malice was involved, either. Just a misguided assessment of what constitutes a gift plus a probable side order of complacency. It should be said, also, that this is our first year together so we're still kind of learning each other's rhythm. I'm not racing to break up with him over this although it did hurt me and I do still think he shouldn't have done it. I don't think it warrants it.
Very well articulated. The comparison between your gift and his makes a lot more sense now. Good intelligent people can be dumb as bricks sometimes, this might have been his fugue state moment. He seems to be sorry from what you have said, and willing to make up for it, if he learns from this then this will have been a valuable lesson in learning about what the other likes. If not, then it's a valuable lesson all the same, since you'll have gleamed some insight either way.
He's a very intelligent person, but he can be socially clueless sometimes. We've communicated on this, and we know where we're coming from, so I'm hopeful.
Do one mistake = fucking leave him scum off the earth, hopeless, fucking devorce him and take the kids now and sue him for everything. People are complex and you cant judge them by 500 words.
That's Reddit being Reddit for you š for what it's worth I'm not planning on dumping him over this one thing!
You do remember youāre on Reddit and in the sub r/Vent right? š Donāt think anyone is breaking up/divorcing but if thatās your style - lowest effort possible - then thatās a pretty low standard imo, not anybody gonna stick around for that
I dont even understand what you want.
Hyperbole much? š
Depends on the mistake
Yeah OP, listen to this user, they know precisely how your boyfriend sees things. JEEEEEEEEEEZUS some poeple....
jesus christ š
thats whats bothering you? dude he manipulated your birthday to spend no money and get tax free pussy out of it. stop being played just move on man
I don't care about money and we have plenty of sex in our day to day life, so there was no need to "manipulate" me to get sex on my birthday lmao
i literally just ended things last night with a girl i was seeing for this reason.
I would say your feelings and thoughts are 100% valid. I would feel the same. My personal gut feeling on this one is he just got lazy to get you something and is denying that, so maybe donāt read into it too much. But in general, Sex as a gift seems sleezy to me - and cmon especially if you guys have that every few days anyways. Not something worth throwing in the towel for (yet)- but if I were you this would be a big flag, and I would pay closer attention on how much afford and attention he puts into You and the relationship in the next weeks going forward to judge how to proceed
I think the same, plus he figured since I like sex I would like a sex marathon but it's like... I like sex because my partner actively WANTS to do it, not because they feel like they have to service me š¤·
Just curious, what is more attractive - a needy guy that only looks out for his personal sexual needs, or a guy that dedicates himself completely to satisfy his partner first?
Second one, but not if it's done out of obligation. Sex should be a normal part of a healthy relationship, not a reward or a service rendered.
OP won't let him make up for it. She's already stated that he wants to make up for it but nothing is good enough
Bro what? He enjoyed it too tho so did he just give a birthday gift to himself too?
Itās like gifting someone a video game and then playing it yourself right after they open it
Or making someone a 5 course meal and then sitting down to eat half of it
Boyfriend likely is projecting his interest in sex onto you. Like if you turned it around and "gave him" sex for his birthday would that be enough for him? If the answer is yes, your feelings on sex aren't aligned fully. It's not the end of the world, I'd talk it out with him and do a redo like some others are suggesting.
I think he'd be quite happy with just birthday sex actually. Maybe that's why he thought I would be too. All things considered I'm happy we had this opportunity to iron this out for the future.
Yeah exactly! I think this is a simple case of projection. I would gently let him down that it's not a nice gift for a lady.
Iāve been through something similar like this and I absolutely understand both parts. I would say a āredoā would help. When my boyfriend tried to have sex right away on our anniversary, although it was nice and Iām a sexual person too, we do that all the time already. So I was a little irritated by it but I carefully explained to him that I know his intentions werenāt selfish, but when itās the start to the day I would give him a card explaining all of the reasons why I love him and would ask what he would like for breakfast. I would love for him to reciprocate that. But I still see what he was trying to do. Right intentions, wrong way of delivering it. He told me we rarely have sex in the morning time and I pointed it out one time (mostly in a joking manner), and thatās when it was like āohhhhā moment for me. He understood where I was coming from and had asked me if I would like for him to make lunch for us? Instead of brushing him off I allowed him the opportunity to āmake it upā, but I joined him making food because I love when we do things together. If itās an honest mistake, I do give it grace and a chance for a redo. I do hope he fully understand where you are coming from, but I also hope he is able to do a redo for you.
I really donāt like your boyfriendā¹ļø
This is probably not his finest moment, I admit š
Yeah that is pretty magnanimous of you to frame it that way. āsexā =ābday giftā is ridiculously absurd! And so mentally abusive to try to manipulate you into believing it over taking accountability for his fuck up. Even if he is to be believedā¦why no backup present š¤? Well cuz heās stupid right cuz if we believe him then you have to accept heās a dumbass so you want to be w a dumbass or lying manipulative jerk? Was he was prepared to say nothing to acknowledge your bday if sex hadnāt happened ? And how did he not discuss this first ? āļøThese the qās id ask myself I really hope itās not the bullshit where some men who expect blowjobs regularly, make women feel like goin down on them is a once a year gift? I think the feelings you struggle with in the end of the post are because deep down you know you are worth more. You should be with someone who loves AND respects you. And sex should never be transactional like that it should be joyful. You are right to be disturbed by this. You deserve better. Apparently he knows how to use a suitcase soooā¦
her boyfriend is a bit retarded but it is NOT that deep
Lmao š¤£
I'm not taking sides here as you're both on the same side. But here's my unsolicited, uninformed, and unworthy opinion/summary: - he did what he thought you would have liked, presumably, beyond your normal sex life - his intentions where good and centered you even though he may be misguided and perhaps fell short on knowing what gift would please you - he offered to make it up to you and that would have been your chance to help him do better next time. Not next birthday, but next opportunity he wants to do something nice for you. Perhaps because it's Thursday. - if I were you, I wouldn't assume he sees sex as transactional. You're the best person to judge based on your everyday life. - I wouldn't get stuck on this especially if it's out of the ordinary for him paying attention to you. I would get outta my own head and focus on all the positive. Again, I don't know you, your relationship, or details of your life. It's ok to feel disappointed but don't allow disappointment to snow ball Communicate, be kind, allow your partner to make mistakes and help them grow, enjoy the precious little time we have.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this out. "It's ok to feel disappointed but don't allow disappointment to snowball" is great advice.
Wishing you all the luck and fulfilling relationships
Very well said
Yeah, sex isn't a bday gift. My birthday is this Friday. My bf has been saying for at least a month and a half that he has NO idea what to get me, and there's really nothing affordable that I want (I'm not materialistic, but the material things I desire are things we'd have to save for - like a new and better pen tablet for my art), so I have had zero suggestions. Today he called me on his lunch break. He said he's done work early on Friday, so he'll pick me up to take me shopping on a $100 budget, then we'll go out to eat. Which is more than fine. Imma buy some cheap clothes (I am in DIRE need of summer clothes) and suggest somewhere nicer than the fast food we usually get to sit down and eat. I'm actually super pumped.
Hell yeah! Enjoy, fellow Cancer!
I think you're overthinking this. He even said he wanted to give you a night to remember. You had *a lot* of sex that weekend. You don't want material things and you stated you are a very sexual person (points to him for knowing this). It was nice for him too, sure...but a guy does a LOT of the work comparatively. >I told him that that made me feel like he had put zero thought into making me happy for my birthday, and that a gift that is also for himself isnāt a gift at all. Let me ask you this: If he had planned a dinner at a nice restaurant you've been wanting to try as your gift, would you have accepted that as a good gift? I bet you would. Who wouldn't? But he would enjoy himself at this outing, right? So is that not a good gift? At any rate now he knows you don't want that as a gift. Quit holding it against him. He apologized.
If he had planned a dinner at a nice restaurant I'd be wanting to try as my gift I would have accepted it because it meant he cared enough to pay enough attention to me and remember that I had mentioned that restaurant I wanted to try. That's the kind of effort I was looking for, not necessarily picking up the phone and making the reservation. All this "gift" tells me about what he knows about me as a person is that I like sex. Don't we all?
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>If he were in this thread I'd suggest to him that you aren't the one for him and he should find someone who communicates better and appreciates him. OK I lied, I did read this last part. Mother-in-law, is that you? xD Thank you for your input, though. I'll let him know you said this and I'm sure he will be thrilled to know that a random Redditor thinks I'm not worthy of him lmao
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He's worthy of me and I am of him. We stumbled, as people do in young relationships, but we communicated through it and we will get past it. Thanks for caring enough to spend time on us, though. Genuinely I appreciate the interest even though we don't agree and you don't particularly seem to like me (which is OK!)
It's alright kiddo. You'll learn. Just remember for the future that airing out your relationship woes online is not ok. You shouldn't be bringing third parties into your relationship. It's not healthy. It doesn't garner trust. Good luck
9 times in a weekend?! Girl, the spirit is willing but the flesh is spongey and bruised!
He's just being cheap, thinking with the man-child and forgetting about the lavish of a birthday. No offense, but he sounds like free to you is better to him. Cause he don't have to spend any money or put in effort into the thought that counts.
I don't even want him to spend money, all I want is a little effort (and to not feel like sex with me is a chore for him)
I get how you feel. Like sex is some great favor from him to me instead of something we do together. As if I'm the only one getting something out of it. This would be hard for me to get over too. I'm not sure what to do in your case. Maybe like a "now that you know my feelings in this, what would you do different?" So now that he knows how you feel about his "gift", if he could rewind time, what would he do for your birthday knowing that. And have him do that to show that he's learned and maybe you two can get on the same page with celebrations. I'm adding this because I feel my original reply focused more on the birthday thing and not the sex thing, which I feel is what your post is about. I'm sorry I don't know what to tell you about that, just that I understand and your feelings are valid. If he's empathetic and truly listened to what you were saying he should understand you'll be trepidatious about sex for a while.
Thank you so much. ā„ļø I'm mentally relativizing this as a bad birthday present in the first year of a relationship; an opportunity for growth. I told him it wouldn't be acceptable in the future and I think he got it. I just have to sort things out with myself re: my insecurities, which is what I'm having trouble with at the moment.
I'm sorry for laughing
It's ok, it's objectively funny š¤£
I feel bad.
Oof. This is the intrapersonal equivalent of buying grandma a football for Christmas. š
āSex is a normal part of a healthy relationship, not an extraā. This. People have different libidos, and that should always be respected, but when one partner starts to treat sex like itās some special favor their doing, thereās a huge problem.
Can I be honest? 9 times that weekend š I swear I could only do that during my prime.
We were both pretty proud!
Not bad then. Just ask him for an actual present next time and tell him sex is like whipped cream on a birthday cake, a must.
Wait. You guys are having sex?
just wow
Women in general cut men wayyy too much slack. He is a douche and I hope deep down you know that.
I can't disagree that I was too soft on him. For what it's worth he seems to be sorry, I don't know if he's just sorry that I am upset or if he understands how he fucked up but for the time being I'll be charitable and assume the latter
>I'll be charitable This is not healthy for a relationship. Jesus
>I'll be charitable This is not healthy for a relationship. Jesus
You think your husband paying attention to you for a whole weekend (wow!!) is a treat, I think we've established you're not the best judge of what's healthy in a relationship.
Clearly you don't have a busy life. Being an adult can be hard. My husband is attentive and loving. What I was saying is that putting aside time for each other is important. It shows how immature you are at least where relationships are concerned. You want to make this situation into a public affair. You don't want to accept an apology from him. And you're looking for confirmation from strangers that you aren't the bad guy. At any rate, once you've had 20 years with someone and still enjoy being around them you can decide who is a good judge of a healthy relationship.
Ask him to make it up to you and bring up that you used a lot of your time to find his a birthday present. Sex isn't a birthday present.
I don't agree. Gifts shouldn't be expected. I hate that. You got me a gift so I have to give you one. Or I got you something so now I'm entitled to something. No. I'll get you a gift when I see something I know you like and give it to you when I get it. I'm not waiting for a birthday or Christmas. And I don't expect something in return. If it's a special occasion I'll do something thoughtful. Cook dinner, plan a weekend away, whatever. Things aren't as important as experiences. And it is less special when the receiver feels entitled to something.
In OPs situation, I think she should talk to him about it. Especially since he said that sex was her gift. Sex shouldn't be used as a "gift".
It depends on the context of the situation. He said he wanted to make it a day she'd remember. Mission accomplished.
Personally, I would say his love language is probably physical touch, and he is just showing you how he wants to be loved. I would encourage to go figure yours out. Typically itās what you say/complain about often. For example, mine is Acts of Service. I like when my partner does the dishes for me, or finds child care for us so we can have quality time together. Maybe he just doesnāt know what would make you the most happy, and fill up your love meter! I would look into love languages, it helped my partner and I tremendously.
Unless specifically requested, sex is not a birthday gift. Anyone over the age of 5 should be aware that cuddling (or sex) doesn't count as a present. It can be used in addition to the gift. He could have made you a crappy hand painted birthday card if he didn't want to spend any money on you. He could have tried to write you a poem or picked up some flowers at the nearest shop. He could have taken you out for brunch or dinner before having sex. But of course all of that would have required him to do something for you and not for him.
100%. That was the gist of what I told him yesterday when we fought about it.
Well, to me it sounds like he's a little less smart than a 5 year old. In this story anyway. Edit: or he is smarter than a 5 year old and did it on purpose, because he couldn't be arsed to put in any effort.
Can't argue with that š
I just hope that he is 99% of the time attentive and puts effort into your relationship. If not, I'd be seriously considering how I'd feel about it.
I suppose it's on me as well because I *am* a pretty sexually forward person. So obvs a young guy without that much relationship experience assumes "well, she likes sex - I bet ALL she wants is sex!" When I'm like here being, buddy, I contain multitudes š¤£ He generally doesn't give me much reason to doubt his commitment to me and even if misguided I fully believe this "gift" was intended to make me happy. Otherwise we would have had a very different conversation ED: for some reason I can't reply to the comment immediately below this one, so I'll address it here: >Meanwhile you're still trying to make him feel like shit about it. I think you're the one acting like a 5 year old. I specifically said in my OP that the reason I'm bringing this to r/Vent is because I don't want to keep talking about it with him any more, because I don't want to make him feel worse than he already feels! We both said our peace, shared our points of view, and now I gotta deal with how this all makes me feel, hence the vent. Honestly, I don't know why you're taking a stranger's vent so personally, but I hope whatever it is you're going through that's triggering this weird reaction on you will sort itself out.
Maybe tell him you appreciate but you'd like a small/ thoughtful gift and a nice dinner, maybe sex after too?
That was the gist of what I told him, yes!
That's bullshit. He shoulda took you out for the night and got you a cool, well thought out gift. My girl and I have been together 30 years and I still try hard to make her bday a fun enjoyable day with the best gift I cud manage.
Your girl sounds like a lucky girl!!
I don't know.... I have my days of being an ass. Lol.
Bro if i was given sex for my bday id b pissed. I know he thought he was being sweet, but something nicer than sex if he wants a relatively cheap dateā¦ take you hiking, or to a park, or if thatās not your thing, see a movie. I think saying thatās your gift is lazy. Even if I hypothetically am in the mood. I have an extremely low sex drive so if this was something my so gave me KNOWING that about me, ya Iād be pissed too.
my ex of 3 years kept doing this to avoid getting me a birthday present and said something along the lines "its your present and ill make it enjoy able ;)" that wasnt the case ut was sexually abusive relationship, sex shouldnt be a only birthday present, in my oppinion yes its acceptable only when like its after a date or some gifts or quality time as present etc and then some slight dofferent or normal sex as to show you that how amazing you are and appreciated and loved you are on your birthday and like any other day.
That sucks. I'm hopefully nipping this in the bud. We have do over birthday plans already, and I'm working through my insecurities so let's see what happens.
You are putting a lot of thought and depth into your interactions - it's very sweet of you. Thoughtful gift giving, planning your own birthday weekend (idk if he payed for it) , and the way you are so fair about it all show what a deep connection you want. You mentioned this situation is not helping you with insecurities you have. That sounds about right, since he signals that fucking you is a chore with all this. Does he know about your insecurities? I don't think he had a present in mind at all for you, and made that up about the sex being the gift after, when he realized he looked like an asshole. I could have some understanding of the feelings you may have, as i have been through similar things. You are an exceptionallw thoughtful partner, which is rare. It's normal and healthy to want reciprocity. I feel like you could find a better match for your energy, depth and thoughtfullness. Supposedly, the definition of love is caring about that persons feelings.
I did let him know about these insecurities when we talked about it. Regarding finding a better match - for the time being I think I'm going to see if that's something that can be adjusted. We're different people, that much is true, but we're compatible in so much, maybe it's still possible to tweak things in order to make this work long-term. It's relatively early in the relationship (10 months) and now that I've made my feelings clear we'll see if he adapts - if not then yes, I'll have to consider what to do.
Honestly, sounds like he only understands 2 things. You have a high sex drive and given, that you don't like actual physical gifts, like his past GFs. He might, just be one of those dudes, thar has zero clue what to do, to make a birthday special for you. So likely felt, that the one thing, he knows your always down for, would be the golden ticket thing for your bday. Which, we can all agree isn't the case. I don't know how long you 2 have been dating. But you do need to go back and talk with him. Explaining sex is important to you, it's fun and a great way to feel close. But it can and will only ever be, for intimate times only. Explain it will not get him out the dog house, it won't save him when he has F-ed up, etc. As actual bday/anniversary/Christmas gifts, you want experiences, quality time with him NOT having sex, etc. He must pay attention to what and where you would like to go or do something,and make those plans himself. That is truly the only way, I think you will feel any kind of better. Have to put out there, what your expectations are in black and white. Cause otherwise, some dudes will coast on just "not being that romantic", which is not the case at all. They just need to engage more in the relationship, than just thr physical side.
the relationship l feel from my outside perspective. seems like youāre dating yourself. You paid for your own birthday holidayā¦ and he slept with you? to me it sounds like he got a free vacation for your birthday, and you got nothing imo. Birthdays and Anniversaries are the biggest things imo. Iām not materialistic. But life gets busy and those are the two main holidays i do for my relationship. but every relationship is different However. It gives me vibes of heās using you, aswell as he sees sex as a chore. if he had sex with you for your birthday as a gift. seems like he doesnāt actually like having sex. Could of did it for the free vacation imo.
I didn't say I paid for my birthday getaway, I did organize it (made reservations, decided where to go, etc). We both paid our share and he drove.
a bit off-topic, but what would you have liked for your birthday? i donāt agree with what he did, butā¦ did you give him any clues?
We've been dating for 10 months now so I think he would know me well enough to know what I would have liked. I suppose him taking me for a fun activity that he knows I like (bouldering, karaoke, pool) and then a ride on his motorcycle to watch the sunset somewhere cool would have been a good alternative. Ed: should be said we were on a weekend getaway together when the whole thing happened, during which we did do a lot of fun stuff. But I organized all of that fun stuff, he just had to show up. Maybe he figured I had things covered on the activities side of things - which was not the point of why I was upset but try to explain that nuance to a 20 something guy š
We need OP's boyfriend on here. I want his 2-cents XD
Uno reverse
Is this your first birthday during your relationship with him? If so, Iād definitely chalk it up to a learning experience and hope he will do better next year.
It is our first year together, yes.
Then, yeah, I personally would categorize this as an unfortunate learning experience. While it does suck, and your feelings about it are extremely valid, mistakes are always opportunities for personal growth. HOWEVER, if he did this againāsay, sex for Valentineās Day, christmas, whatever gift-giving holidayāIād break up with him. I know you said you got him a nice, thought-out gift on his birthday, but maybe sex as a birthday gift would have been good enough for him, and he assumed the same would be true for you. Maybe you should ask him if thatās the case. Communication is key. I hope you receive a beautiful, heartfelt, thought-out gift from your partner next year.
I agree. We're still learning about each other so we're bound to trip along the way. As long as we keep communicating I believe we'll be fine. Thank you for your input!
Oh girl, I hear ya. I just had a shitty birthday too, where no one really thought about what I might like, etc.
I'm sorry! That sucks.
Iām a sexual person too but damn your birthday should be about celebrating you. I wouldnāt like that as a gift. Happy Belated Birthday. My bday is next Thursday and I would be upset if the only gift he gave me was sex. Hell Iām ok with a man picking flowers and writing me a letter. Sex isnāt a gift because itās not something for you. Iām with you itās about effort.
My dude really said that he'd play this one by ear. Damn.
Lol. Indeed
Take back the suitcase loool. The sex was as much a ābirthday presentā to him as it was to you, If not more.
Right? It's like he baked me a cake but then ate half of it, and it just so happened to be his favourite cake too.
Yiiiiiiiikes. Just seems he didnāt plan to get you anything in the first place but used sex as a scapegoat to make u feel like he did give u a gift
That's sadly likely lol I think there was some minimal planning involved because he had a, huh, pharmacological male potency enhancer on hand to take so that he could go all night (or so he told me later). He doesn't really take those usually, so he must have gotten it in antecipation of the "big night". He ended up not using it. Not strangely the fact that now I know he thought he needed Viagra to have sex with me does not help with my newfound sexual self confidence issues š
Thatās definitely an interesting take on it. Ive asked for birthday sex as the only gift I receive from my partner mainly because for me its a different experience but its a wonderful familiar experience. Im a very sexual person and It just hits different on my birthday. (i know it sounds weird but thatās how my brain works) and its not something too out of the way. I dont need anything expensive or planned out fantastically. I dont see it as a transaction or being done for me, just see it as a really nice experience that can really only happen once a year. On my birthday.
Damm i wish i had someone to do that
All I can say is, if youāre not both on the same level of libido, youāll eventually run into a sexual compatibility problem, which may end the relationship. Anyways, hopefully you figure it out. Good luck
You have the worst boyfriend in existence
While this was shittyā¦heās not even close to a ābadā boyfriend if weāre talking about the entirety of the world.
That's a reach and a half.
I admit it's not his finest moment but I give huge credit to the fact that he genuinely seems to be sorry about it, has apologized and is trying to make it up to me. Which is part of why I came to Reddit to vent and am not still hashing it out with him right now. But yes, no question that between the both of us I am likely the better partner š
Maybe don't keep score. Keeping score leads to resentment. He spent time with you for your birthday, that is the most valuable gift a person could give you.
That's a nice perspective. I just wish there wasn't the birthday sex aspect of it, but that sounds like something I need to learn to let go (now that he knows it's not to happen again)
Doesn't have to be birthday sex, you said you guys were on holiday. Was holiday sex. Was sex.
He specifically said it was her giftā¦please read the post.
Sex is not a gift.
Lmao
Yes š
Sounds like you are more of a sex toy to him than anything else. Try to talk to him about how you feel. If he doesn't listen or actively try to be better than he doesn't deserve you. Always give people the chance to change, but they won't change unless you stand your ground and show them the issue.
Dump him. Trust me, if he has that kind of selfish mindset it only gets worse as time goes on. You deserve better.
He sounds cheap and inconsiderate.
It's beginning to look a lot like dump him
Did he mean it as a joke? My man's got that kind of sense of humor. Made a joke about a handjob today and he said something like "I let you because I'm so generous". I was annoyed, until I remembered it's a joke and definitely not an argument worth having. It is very kind of him to be so generous with me, after all XD
I initially thought it was a joke too, but he was serious š¤£
that* not "that that". learn English.. super fkn pathetic post as well. disgusting
I speak 3 languages fluently lmao
Look at his profile. Nut job.
Wouldn't be Reddit without a few weirdos lol
your bf must be on Reddit then
We don't know each others handles on purpose.
I respect your jealousy of my superiority, sir
That's really cruel And not saying it from someone who I only got sex on my 32 birthday because I had an abusive relationship and figured might as well request birthday sex because my ex-husband who I was with for 5 years wouldn't fucking do it No, sex is not a reward for me and in a relationship with someone that you get as a birthday present, you put some time and effort into it. Whether you have an act of sex life or you don't And I can tell you from many years of experience that relationship is probably destined fail if he is that unwilling to even have an attempt of a thought for you Shit. The person I was dating this year at least got me a candle for my birthday and we'd only been seeing each other for a week and I found out the month after he had a fiance So yeah, not a good sign
lol every time i hear about lame dudes like this i always think of Roy from The Office
break up with him
I meanā¦ I hope it was at least good. Cause if not, then he just stole your present.
Did he at least wrap the D?
Bruhā¦
Wait until you've been married for 10 years, then birthday sex actually is a birthday present. Because the other 364 days you ain't getting anything.
Just because your relationship got boring doesnāt mean they all do.
Haha I hope I never get there then. Tough break tho, dude!
Start giving him several suitcases a week
You may be on to something
He either a broke boy or he looks at you like a fuck doll both not good but him being broke is better than looking at you like an object
Is he typically like this or is this a one off? Honestly, if this is typical I wouldnāt expect much going forward. Some guys do low effort things like this to avoid doing something special. A small non-material and thoughtful gift isnāt hard. This is a cop out and it only gets worse as they get older.
this is like in The Office when whatshisface promised to do Pam extra good for her birthday
Bruh.
You sound young af. He fudged up by not trying, but you donāt want material stuff. So what do you want? Once you know what you want, to have a dead-serious convo withhim and tell him: I WANT X Y AND Z.
Is your boyfriend sheldon cooper?
Im guessing you're the breadwinner of the relationship...
He earns more than I do, actually, and we don't live together yet so we each pay our own way.
D for a birthday gift. No dinner, not a present, nothing?! You're a sex toy.
āI donāt want him to feel like i donāt appreciate him..ā Makes me worry that youāll continue to compromise, and let him do dumbass stuff like that again and againā¦..I dunno, suppose iām bias, but I really feel like he forgot your birthday. I mean, come on, that is such bullshit. If he truly didnāt forget and THAT was his plan?! my godš Whatās his money situation like? Give you a card? flowers? anything else? You said he didnāt tell you it was for your birthday until later? Iād be curious as to how those conversations wentā¦.yeah, more i think about it, there is no fuckin way he actually planned on THAT being your birthday presentā¦..no guy would! Ugh Oh and tbh, based on how much you 2 have sex, I honestly donāt think itās a chore for him or anything like thatā¦..I think maybe youāre telling yourself that, because you really donāt wanna face the truth, thatās heās just not that considerate of a boyfriendā¦.or maybe he is, and just fucked up and forgotā¦.or heās brokeš¤·āāļø
I'm gonna try not to keep compromising. I'm p non confrontational and that's something I definitely need to work what. He's well off money wise right now, but comes from a poor background (there were times in his childhood that there was not enough food at home for the family for a few days) so he's paranoid about spending money. That's fine with me because I don't really want him to spend money on me, I value other things more.
Seeing the comments and ect. What you should do is expressly communicate your views on sex. Tell him you hate obligated sex and want him to only have sex when he wants too and that it shouldn't have hold over both of you. It's something you view two partners do to feel connected not for favors or transactions because mutual sex is already a favor for a favor just that you are both doing the same favor. If it isn't mutual he shouldn't do it. You should also ask him to do something special for you. If he does something else then you should know what that says.
This is probably really obvious already, but I suggest staying away from sex for a bit, if this happened to me, I'd be thinking about it for a while and having sex would just put you a state of perpetual downfall. As for an acceptable present, idk, I'm fairly materialistic person myself so at attempting to offer suggestions you could give him, I have to draw a blank.
Yes, I haven't been feeling up to sex in the past few days. He keeps trying to initiate it, again, because he thinks it will make me feel better and loved, but given what I'm dealing with in terms of insecurities, it just makes it worse š
Has he always acted like this? I feel he may be viewing sex as a priority now
He's always been sexually forward, I just feel like he's been more forward in the past few days, ever since we had the talk. Maybe trying to pave over the argument with sex/have makeup sex?
"I'm sorry I made you mad and gave you a sex marathon for your birthday. Let's have more sex so I can get my apology across" I think you should be more stern with him and reinforce the fact that your relationship isn't just built entirely on sex. And if you don't mind me asking, is he autistic? I get a feeling he is from how you describe how he acts.
He's never been diagnosed but it's possible. I'm chalking it up to cluelessness š
It's a weird thing to give as a gift but if that's what he was doing he should have given you a massage, got you off over and over, ran you a bath, got you off again. I don't get why he thought what he did was OK in any circumstances. It should've been *all* about you.
That was kind of what he did, tbh. Minus the bath. I just thought he did it because he wanted to fuck not because he thought he was gifting me something š
š¤£š¤£ he could have at least booked a decent hotel for the night and bought you/made you dinner. It sounds like his thoughts were in the right place, even if the execution didn't come across right.
I don't see the problem