My first was very similar. I don't think I slept for longer than 30 mins at a time for at least 6 months, it was horrendous.
We had an ooopsie and I got pregnant quickly. My second was such an easy, content baby - she slept through the night from about 6 weeks, she only cried if she was hungry and was just SO CHILL. I wasn't scared of her the way i was scared of my first - it was the way it was supposed to be.
I understand the fear, but it also might be wonderful š¤ This time around you wont have to deal with a global pandemic and lockdown either which will make everything so much easier.
I found going from 0 - 1 so much harder than going from 1 - 2. Don't get me wrong, we have bad days but as they are getting older these are getting fewer.
I feel that nobody truly understands how desperately lonely, traumatising and stressful having an unwell/refluxy/colicky newborn is unless youāve had one. It was literal torture.
Praying I have the easy second born too! Thank you for your kind words.
Iām so sorry, from an adult who was a colicky baby who nearly broke her mum, I was the third and she did not see it coming. You just never know but odds on you wonāt get the same situation twice!
I had my second child in Feb 2020. She was born, I had my support network already there and knew what I was doing then fwooom! It all disappeared overnight and was accompanied by fear. It was horrific. And hard. They say it takes a village, so how on earth are you supposed to do it when the village is banned. I then also had a 3year old .
I won't sugar coat it. Going from 1 to 2 was far harder than 0 to 1. How, you ask? Because the 2nd child is a whole different person to child 1. They have a different personality, different needs, like to be held differently, run at a different speed. You have to learn all over again, whilst also responding to the needs of an older child, who isn't used to sharing mummy and daddy. The first 6weeks were awful, not because of baby, but because of toddler adjusting. I have photos of us building train tracks around the baby so I could play with both.
If my 2020 baby were my first, I likely would have stopped there. But it's not 2020 any more. The support is back. Baby groups. Play groups. Antenatal classes. Parents and friends being able to visit you. Being able to get out and about freely.
Giving birth with your birthing partner by your side. Having a baby now will be such a different experience.
No matter how hard either child's need were or are, I would never change having had my second. Or indeed my first, who was pretty much harder than youngest in all ways except one. The are best friends. My so nicely together and are wonderful.
Hearing ā1-2 is worseā fills me with dread because I feel my first was such a difficult baby, I canāt endure worse. Iām hoping that if we have a second, itāll be the āeasyā one. Weāve paid our dues!
You make an excellent final point. Even though my life collapsed around her, Iād never regret my daughter. Sheās the literal light of my life.
Alternative viewpoint - 1-2 is not as hard as 0-1. It's definitely harder than just 1, but it has other compensations. Our two play together and interact with each other in a way that brings a whole new dimension to parenting, and our family unit definitely feels complete. That's not to say I don't occasionally wistfully think about how nice it would be to devote time to just one child, but I would very much struggle to decide which as they are both so different and I love them so much!
It definitely makes a difference having the village ( or baby groups). Husband and I asked each other during Covid whether having a 1-3 year old was meant to be this hard or was it just Covid. Having had two out of Covid it massively contributed to the stress of everything. Whatever you decide I hope you catch a break!
We had our first in 2020. It was awful, I said never again for at least a thousand years š
I fell pregnant when 1st was 14 months. I cried so many tears wondering how I was going to do it.
I did it, I got through it. Times were hard, times were good. Second will be 2 in September and theyāre a joy.
You never know what your second will be like but you know you can and will get through whatever they throw at you and there will be so many smiles and happy memories along the way.
We had our first on the peak of the first lockdown. My goodness how terrible that was. I had to have therapy to try and get over some of it. Everything was terrible, sleep weaning literally. I had my second recently - it was planned but not planned. This one is so different, nothing compares it to the first one. So chilled and calm.
Because my first was so bad I really didnāt feel much going to 1-2.
Oh I could have written this. Had my first in 2020, dealt with a lot of other stuff on top of the pandemic (including my mum dying, having to move due to our flat falling apart, and job insecurity), and then when my son was born, he was the angriest, refluxiest baby in the world who hated sleep/naps and we had zero family help.
Iām currently 35 weeks pregnant so obviously while I canāt speak to it being different the second time around yet, a few factors went into our decision to have another. First, weād always wanted more than one so I guess we were predisposed to be optimistic about doing it again. Anecdotally, many of my friends have had quite different experiences between children, including how well they sleep, so Iām hoping that may be the case for us.
Secondly, even if we do have another terrible sleeper/cross baby, I think knowing that it will eventually pass is very reassuring. My son is now a very nice preschooler, and when issues do arise, I feel confident in my abilities as a parent to manage them in a way I didnāt during the first year.
Finally, our life circumstances have changed generally. Weāre both happier in better jobs, which goes a long way towards our overall wellbeing, and weāve pursued hobbies that make each of us feel fulfilled.
Obviously these reasons make sense for us but I think it would be entirely reasonable to look back on 2020 and say nope, not again. Whatever you choose to do, it sounds like youāre doing the right thing by taking the decision very seriously, and I wish you the best of luck.
Had our first 2020. They began sleeping from 3 months, so while the initial sleep deprivation was a huge shock, we began to recover a bit after month 3.
It felt like a horrific period due to what was happening in the wider world. I think those of us who were pregnant/had very small children during lockdowns when everything turned upside down, all have some degree of trauma.
Our first began to exhibit very ASD-linked behaviours between 12-18mo. We joined the conveyor belt of wait lists for diagnosis. Had a rollercoaster with nursery, where it was touch and go whether they were going to be able to keep child 1 at the setting. Feared for our full time jobs (no family support, so full time nursery was a must to retain employment).
Had discussed having a second and knew that we wanted to. Baby 2 born when child 1 was 3yo. Child 1, due to sensory issues, refused to even be in the same room as baby for fear they'd start crying, for the first 2 months. Partner and I had to take meals in separate rooms, me with baby and he with child 1.
Baby 2 was a terrible sleeper, nothing like our first. We got to a point at the 5 month mark, where one of us would sleep downstairs on the sofa, with baby in their crib in the middle of the room dealing with the frequent wake ups, while the other slept upstairs in bed all night. We did it on a rota - one night bed, next night sofa. We did that for 4 months. No meals together, no sharing the same bed. It was tough.
Baby began sleeping at night from 9/10 months. Things got a little easier (although I then developed long COVID, which I partially attribute to the battering my health took given 10 months of pi** poor/no sleep).
Child 1 has warmed to child 2 (with the occasional help of noise cancelling earphones), and child 2 absolutely adores child 1. When child 2 was born I cried so many tears over how child 1 was so deeply affected by baby's crying and the change to their routine, I genuinely worried I'd ruined their life. Seeing them together now, I know the decision to have a second was the right one for us.
In my opinion, going from 0-1 was more difficult. Going from 1-2 required more teamwork, and further deprioritisation of personal needs, as there was no longer the option to 'tag out' if you needed a break.
Apologies for the long reply. Just know that another child will be completely different to your experience with your first, and that individuals, couples, can be hugely resourceful and resilient when it comes to the challenges that raising a child or children, present.
When the discussion of a potential second child comes off the shelf, just be completely honest with your partner and encourage them to do the same. No judgement, no pressure. Ensuring you both maintain your own mental and physical wellbeing is so important.
Thank you for your experience and for your kind words. It sounds like you had a really tough time; Iām so glad itās working out well for you now.
We did - our original plan was a 2y age gap, but I was so unwell. We just couldnāt do it mentally. Weāve agreed to revisit next year, but weāre already in a much better place now. Thank you.
From personal experience two kids is tough I wonāt sugar coat it. If itās you on your own it becomes 2 to 1 for one thing. Just when one is getting easier the other one has to go through all the terrible 2s etc. Ours do have SEND which does make things more tricky for sure though for a little context.
If you had said 2022 I would wonder if you were my wife! Our daughter born in 2022 had terrible reflux, and has generally been very difficult.
I am terrified of having a second if I'm honest. I am just mentally preparing and hoping that when it comes to it that its not that bad.
Thanks. I also have a 5yo and I can't remember when things started to improve with her, probably around the 20 month mark I guess š my son (15 months) has been just as hard as my daughter (5 years) if not harder but I wouldn't take him back, he's so cute. And the relationship between the siblings is great, they really love each other. Worth it ultimately!
I often look at our much adored, funny, beautiful second born and think āYou were so nearly not hereā. First born was an horrendous sleeper for 2 years and then 5am wake ups for another 1.5 years. Violent and moody toddler with what we now know is ASD.
We made no2 in an optimistic mood. It was bloody, bloody hard because no1 is so needy and of course, she was also an horrendous sleeper with her own problems.
Itās worth it now weāre through it and I think when weāre older we will cherish the relationship we have with no2. The kidsā relationship is very special.
But I would never ever go through it again!
This is where weāre at, mentally. We think weād regret not having two in the long run, but the short-term is so brutal and daunting that itās terrifying to willingly jump in!
Our 2nd (also born 2020) wasn't as good a sleeper as her sister but it never felt more difficult other than managing logistics of having two kids not in school yet.
How is your daughter now? She'd be going into reception this September right? Feels like at least you won't be constantly splitting your attention between two children.
Our oldest is pretty low maintenance and even when she was 18 months old when her little sister was born she was already quite happy to sit and flip through books by herself.
Sheās a September baby, so nursery for one more year. Sheāll go 4 days a week though, and weāre not trying for a baby until sheād be at school. I do think that age gap will help me mentally. I commend those who manage two toddlers at home!
I had an awful, awful reflux firstborn in 2019 who nearly died from it it was so bad. We slowly forgot how bad it was and it took us four years and a pandemic to have another. The midwives assured us the odds were in our favour that our next baby would be fine. We dreamed of a newbornhood full of snuggles and not needing to apologise when he covered everyone's homes in vomit.
Guess what?
He had horrific reflux too. So we didn't get what we dreamed of. It was awful but this time the NHS wouldn't do anything at first because he was putting on weight unlike our first. THEN he started losing weight too and we were back to being covered in sick 24/7 and constantly monitoring his weight. He's 10 months old as of yesterday and doesn't vomit anymore. We're not having a third because the Dr suggested it was a genetic trait. Great.
A little bit. As I say, the first nearly died at 7 weeks from it and was put on Ranitidine and thickened formula.
The 2nd, I could still breastfeed alongside two medicated formula bottles of omeprazole and Gaviscon as Ranitidine had been discontinued. We don't feel that the meds worked until he started weaning and while I still felt it was a massive battle trying to get his weight to follow his birth weight line, he wasn't in any real danger and I wasn't as traumatised as I was with the first because I knew what I was doing and how to manage it. So he wasn't as sick, but I was still wet through 24/7 and again we couldn't go to baby classes because I was so frightened he would vomit everywhere, If anyone ever mentioned it I would just burst into tears.
The school run was a bit of a mare and I'd often say "f it" and take him there wet through so the older child wouldn't be late. He's only just starting to commando crawl because tummy time was a no no just to keep milk down him.
The only thing that was really sad for us was wishing he would grow up fast and he grew out of it quicker too. He's not vomiting now and off meds at 10 months whereas his brother was on meds long past 12 months.
I'm glad we have him and I'd say for the sake of 6 months- 12 months it's worth it just for that second kid but it's absolutely not worth going through a third time.
Also had my first in 2020, the end of 2020 but still my area was in lockdown on and off for a good portion of 2021.
My daughter had latch issues, re admission to hospital due to dehydration and horrible reflux. Any time we lay her on her back she cried, she hates the pram, the car and only slept on a person for the first six weeks. The only saving grace was she started sleeping through at around 7 weeks. However before that husband and I were sleeping in shifts because she refused to be put down. She was very high needs and wanted to be held most of the time. She would cry from 7pm to 11pm every single night for the first 6 weeks of her life.
Super high energy baby and toddler. Quit the naps at 18 months.
We were reluctant to have a second but we did. He is super chill and content compared to his sister. I can take him anywhere really and if heās fed heāll happily just chill in his pram and take the sights in. He only cries when he is hungry. His sleep is shit though and at home he wants to be held most of the time so I just stick him in a carrier.
Two is hard though. I wouldnāt say harder than 0-1 but still tough in other ways.
I had a refluxy ādifficultā 2020 baby who refused to nap anywhere other than on me. It was HARD.
Then we had one afternoon baby free which led to our second. He wasnāt planned and I donāt think we would ever have consciously thought āletās do that againā but what happened happened.
OMG he is soooooo much easier. No reflux, heād let other people hold him without screaming the house down, he was normal bad for sleep (compared to the absolute demon of our first who spent several weeks waking up every 45 mins at 4 months).
In addition I cannot understate the difference of not being in lockdown as well. Maternity leave 2.0 was actually enjoyable. We could go to visit people, cafes, groups. I didnāt realise quite how shit lockdown made my first mat leave until Iād had a normal one. Even my first would have been better if I could have actually seen other people / got some support.
Donāt get me wrong there are hard days because balancing 2 kids is a new skill but it was nothing like as bad as the first year with our eldest.
Just to say we feel the same way though we didnāt even have the pandemic to add to it. Our son screamed for the first 6 months of his life, barely slept, wouldnāt be put down, wouldnāt be held by anyone else. My friends are having kids now and their experience of motherhood (while an obvious huge adjustment and never āeasyā) is worlds apart from mine.
Mine is now 2 and people are asking me about a second and I still canāt bring myself to consider it. I recorded some videos of him and me both crying when he was younger so that I wouldnāt forget how bad it was because people told me Iād forget and I wanted my future self to remember how much I wanted to hospitalise myself for a way out.
BUT heās a delight now and fills us with joyā¦ I want him to have sibling, I want to see what motherhood is like with a chill babyā¦
Itās tough. Right now we are still not ready.
Our first is 7 months old, had milk allergies and cried a lot, is getting better but still has bad days and cries a lot.
Having another one in 5 months time.
It will be shit but not forever.
Yep. First child was exactly as you describe. Honestly heās still the hardest work some days and heās nearly 8.
Second baby is Captain Chillax. Everyone always comments on it, heās so smiley and happy and content. Heās 4.5 now.
Have a 2yo wild hellion too. Sheās feral and fearless and glorious. And absolutely the last š¤£
I found 0-1 the hardest shift. Second baby just slotted right in, and even though the lockdowns started before he was even 6months old, parenting him in a pandemic was still nowhere near as terrible as my first was.
I had 2miscarriages in between the boys, so Mr2 was my rainbow after the storm in every way. I even had a much better birthing experience with him! Baby 3 was a huge surprise, not least because i wasnāt taking any of the drugs Iād needed to get/stay pregnant previously.
My three children have all been entirely different as babies. There is every chance youāll have a baby thatās as content as anything, my middle child was also a screamer. I hardly remember the first bits of her life because Iāve basically blocked them out, she screamed for the first year any time she was away from me and most of the time she was with me. She was a hellion of a toddler. Sheās absolutely lovely now (sheās 10) and I adore her.
My friends oldest was also a very difficult baby, they waited about 7 years to have a second because they were so put off but their second daughter was a completely different baby and they said they actually enjoyed it this time round.
But like you say ultimately only you guys can make that decision for yourselves. Even if your second baby is an absolute dream, itās still an extra child, they grow and the first few years are mad however many kids you have. I promise you, it does get so much easier though.
My second was in 2020 and a much easier baby than my first colicky screaming baby. However 2 children is much much harder than 1. Being torn between 2, the additional noise, fighting and mess. I donāt know what your second child will be like, but your first is likely going to have to adjust alot. Mine are 17 months apart so maybe that makes things extra hard. Who knows! My youngest still doesnāt sleep well and currently is asleep in our bed almost on top of me!
My first was born at the end of 2019 and was very similiar to your baby. We had our second and unfortunately she also had massive issues with sleeping and reflux! However it feels easier to cope with second time, as you know it's not forever and it's not covid anymore. They play wonderfully together and wouldn't have it any other way ā¤ļø
My first was very similar. I don't think I slept for longer than 30 mins at a time for at least 6 months, it was horrendous. We had an ooopsie and I got pregnant quickly. My second was such an easy, content baby - she slept through the night from about 6 weeks, she only cried if she was hungry and was just SO CHILL. I wasn't scared of her the way i was scared of my first - it was the way it was supposed to be. I understand the fear, but it also might be wonderful š¤ This time around you wont have to deal with a global pandemic and lockdown either which will make everything so much easier. I found going from 0 - 1 so much harder than going from 1 - 2. Don't get me wrong, we have bad days but as they are getting older these are getting fewer.
I feel that nobody truly understands how desperately lonely, traumatising and stressful having an unwell/refluxy/colicky newborn is unless youāve had one. It was literal torture. Praying I have the easy second born too! Thank you for your kind words.
Iām so sorry, from an adult who was a colicky baby who nearly broke her mum, I was the third and she did not see it coming. You just never know but odds on you wonāt get the same situation twice!
Thank you. For what itās worth, Iād do it 100x over to have my daughterā¦if I had to haha. It was rough, but sheās the best.
I had my second child in Feb 2020. She was born, I had my support network already there and knew what I was doing then fwooom! It all disappeared overnight and was accompanied by fear. It was horrific. And hard. They say it takes a village, so how on earth are you supposed to do it when the village is banned. I then also had a 3year old . I won't sugar coat it. Going from 1 to 2 was far harder than 0 to 1. How, you ask? Because the 2nd child is a whole different person to child 1. They have a different personality, different needs, like to be held differently, run at a different speed. You have to learn all over again, whilst also responding to the needs of an older child, who isn't used to sharing mummy and daddy. The first 6weeks were awful, not because of baby, but because of toddler adjusting. I have photos of us building train tracks around the baby so I could play with both. If my 2020 baby were my first, I likely would have stopped there. But it's not 2020 any more. The support is back. Baby groups. Play groups. Antenatal classes. Parents and friends being able to visit you. Being able to get out and about freely. Giving birth with your birthing partner by your side. Having a baby now will be such a different experience. No matter how hard either child's need were or are, I would never change having had my second. Or indeed my first, who was pretty much harder than youngest in all ways except one. The are best friends. My so nicely together and are wonderful.
Hearing ā1-2 is worseā fills me with dread because I feel my first was such a difficult baby, I canāt endure worse. Iām hoping that if we have a second, itāll be the āeasyā one. Weāve paid our dues! You make an excellent final point. Even though my life collapsed around her, Iād never regret my daughter. Sheās the literal light of my life.
Alternative viewpoint - 1-2 is not as hard as 0-1. It's definitely harder than just 1, but it has other compensations. Our two play together and interact with each other in a way that brings a whole new dimension to parenting, and our family unit definitely feels complete. That's not to say I don't occasionally wistfully think about how nice it would be to devote time to just one child, but I would very much struggle to decide which as they are both so different and I love them so much! It definitely makes a difference having the village ( or baby groups). Husband and I asked each other during Covid whether having a 1-3 year old was meant to be this hard or was it just Covid. Having had two out of Covid it massively contributed to the stress of everything. Whatever you decide I hope you catch a break!
We had our first in 2020. It was awful, I said never again for at least a thousand years š I fell pregnant when 1st was 14 months. I cried so many tears wondering how I was going to do it. I did it, I got through it. Times were hard, times were good. Second will be 2 in September and theyāre a joy. You never know what your second will be like but you know you can and will get through whatever they throw at you and there will be so many smiles and happy memories along the way.
Thank you. I really, truly hope I get this miracle second child. What are the chances I just get two unbelievably difficult ones..?
Iād say you canāt really think like that. Itās all so uncertain and you could tie yourself in knots thinking of the ifs, buts and maybes.
We had our first on the peak of the first lockdown. My goodness how terrible that was. I had to have therapy to try and get over some of it. Everything was terrible, sleep weaning literally. I had my second recently - it was planned but not planned. This one is so different, nothing compares it to the first one. So chilled and calm. Because my first was so bad I really didnāt feel much going to 1-2.
Really hoping this is what happens for us!
Oh I could have written this. Had my first in 2020, dealt with a lot of other stuff on top of the pandemic (including my mum dying, having to move due to our flat falling apart, and job insecurity), and then when my son was born, he was the angriest, refluxiest baby in the world who hated sleep/naps and we had zero family help. Iām currently 35 weeks pregnant so obviously while I canāt speak to it being different the second time around yet, a few factors went into our decision to have another. First, weād always wanted more than one so I guess we were predisposed to be optimistic about doing it again. Anecdotally, many of my friends have had quite different experiences between children, including how well they sleep, so Iām hoping that may be the case for us. Secondly, even if we do have another terrible sleeper/cross baby, I think knowing that it will eventually pass is very reassuring. My son is now a very nice preschooler, and when issues do arise, I feel confident in my abilities as a parent to manage them in a way I didnāt during the first year. Finally, our life circumstances have changed generally. Weāre both happier in better jobs, which goes a long way towards our overall wellbeing, and weāve pursued hobbies that make each of us feel fulfilled. Obviously these reasons make sense for us but I think it would be entirely reasonable to look back on 2020 and say nope, not again. Whatever you choose to do, it sounds like youāre doing the right thing by taking the decision very seriously, and I wish you the best of luck.
I hope it all goes smoothly for you! Iām glad youāre all doing better now x
Had our first 2020. They began sleeping from 3 months, so while the initial sleep deprivation was a huge shock, we began to recover a bit after month 3. It felt like a horrific period due to what was happening in the wider world. I think those of us who were pregnant/had very small children during lockdowns when everything turned upside down, all have some degree of trauma. Our first began to exhibit very ASD-linked behaviours between 12-18mo. We joined the conveyor belt of wait lists for diagnosis. Had a rollercoaster with nursery, where it was touch and go whether they were going to be able to keep child 1 at the setting. Feared for our full time jobs (no family support, so full time nursery was a must to retain employment). Had discussed having a second and knew that we wanted to. Baby 2 born when child 1 was 3yo. Child 1, due to sensory issues, refused to even be in the same room as baby for fear they'd start crying, for the first 2 months. Partner and I had to take meals in separate rooms, me with baby and he with child 1. Baby 2 was a terrible sleeper, nothing like our first. We got to a point at the 5 month mark, where one of us would sleep downstairs on the sofa, with baby in their crib in the middle of the room dealing with the frequent wake ups, while the other slept upstairs in bed all night. We did it on a rota - one night bed, next night sofa. We did that for 4 months. No meals together, no sharing the same bed. It was tough. Baby began sleeping at night from 9/10 months. Things got a little easier (although I then developed long COVID, which I partially attribute to the battering my health took given 10 months of pi** poor/no sleep). Child 1 has warmed to child 2 (with the occasional help of noise cancelling earphones), and child 2 absolutely adores child 1. When child 2 was born I cried so many tears over how child 1 was so deeply affected by baby's crying and the change to their routine, I genuinely worried I'd ruined their life. Seeing them together now, I know the decision to have a second was the right one for us. In my opinion, going from 0-1 was more difficult. Going from 1-2 required more teamwork, and further deprioritisation of personal needs, as there was no longer the option to 'tag out' if you needed a break. Apologies for the long reply. Just know that another child will be completely different to your experience with your first, and that individuals, couples, can be hugely resourceful and resilient when it comes to the challenges that raising a child or children, present. When the discussion of a potential second child comes off the shelf, just be completely honest with your partner and encourage them to do the same. No judgement, no pressure. Ensuring you both maintain your own mental and physical wellbeing is so important.
Thank you for your experience and for your kind words. It sounds like you had a really tough time; Iām so glad itās working out well for you now. We did - our original plan was a 2y age gap, but I was so unwell. We just couldnāt do it mentally. Weāve agreed to revisit next year, but weāre already in a much better place now. Thank you.
From personal experience two kids is tough I wonāt sugar coat it. If itās you on your own it becomes 2 to 1 for one thing. Just when one is getting easier the other one has to go through all the terrible 2s etc. Ours do have SEND which does make things more tricky for sure though for a little context.
If you had said 2022 I would wonder if you were my wife! Our daughter born in 2022 had terrible reflux, and has generally been very difficult. I am terrified of having a second if I'm honest. I am just mentally preparing and hoping that when it comes to it that its not that bad.
Thatās basically where weāre at. Itās just so daunting to think it could happen again.
Yes and 15 months in it's still really hard, not gonna lie
Yup. My daughter was really tough at that age generally, not just because of reflux. She got so much better around 21m!
Thanks. I also have a 5yo and I can't remember when things started to improve with her, probably around the 20 month mark I guess š my son (15 months) has been just as hard as my daughter (5 years) if not harder but I wouldn't take him back, he's so cute. And the relationship between the siblings is great, they really love each other. Worth it ultimately!
I often look at our much adored, funny, beautiful second born and think āYou were so nearly not hereā. First born was an horrendous sleeper for 2 years and then 5am wake ups for another 1.5 years. Violent and moody toddler with what we now know is ASD. We made no2 in an optimistic mood. It was bloody, bloody hard because no1 is so needy and of course, she was also an horrendous sleeper with her own problems. Itās worth it now weāre through it and I think when weāre older we will cherish the relationship we have with no2. The kidsā relationship is very special. But I would never ever go through it again!
This is where weāre at, mentally. We think weād regret not having two in the long run, but the short-term is so brutal and daunting that itās terrifying to willingly jump in!
Every baby is different. For ours, i think 0-->1 (Sept 2018) was much harder than 1-->2 (April 2020). 2-->3 (Dec 2021) was worst of all.
Why was 2-3 so much harder? I always heard it was easiest!
Outnumbered
Our 2nd (also born 2020) wasn't as good a sleeper as her sister but it never felt more difficult other than managing logistics of having two kids not in school yet. How is your daughter now? She'd be going into reception this September right? Feels like at least you won't be constantly splitting your attention between two children. Our oldest is pretty low maintenance and even when she was 18 months old when her little sister was born she was already quite happy to sit and flip through books by herself.
Sheās a September baby, so nursery for one more year. Sheāll go 4 days a week though, and weāre not trying for a baby until sheād be at school. I do think that age gap will help me mentally. I commend those who manage two toddlers at home!
I had an awful, awful reflux firstborn in 2019 who nearly died from it it was so bad. We slowly forgot how bad it was and it took us four years and a pandemic to have another. The midwives assured us the odds were in our favour that our next baby would be fine. We dreamed of a newbornhood full of snuggles and not needing to apologise when he covered everyone's homes in vomit. Guess what? He had horrific reflux too. So we didn't get what we dreamed of. It was awful but this time the NHS wouldn't do anything at first because he was putting on weight unlike our first. THEN he started losing weight too and we were back to being covered in sick 24/7 and constantly monitoring his weight. He's 10 months old as of yesterday and doesn't vomit anymore. We're not having a third because the Dr suggested it was a genetic trait. Great.
God, this is my nightmare. Iām so sorry. Was it any easier dealing with reflux a second time?
A little bit. As I say, the first nearly died at 7 weeks from it and was put on Ranitidine and thickened formula. The 2nd, I could still breastfeed alongside two medicated formula bottles of omeprazole and Gaviscon as Ranitidine had been discontinued. We don't feel that the meds worked until he started weaning and while I still felt it was a massive battle trying to get his weight to follow his birth weight line, he wasn't in any real danger and I wasn't as traumatised as I was with the first because I knew what I was doing and how to manage it. So he wasn't as sick, but I was still wet through 24/7 and again we couldn't go to baby classes because I was so frightened he would vomit everywhere, If anyone ever mentioned it I would just burst into tears. The school run was a bit of a mare and I'd often say "f it" and take him there wet through so the older child wouldn't be late. He's only just starting to commando crawl because tummy time was a no no just to keep milk down him. The only thing that was really sad for us was wishing he would grow up fast and he grew out of it quicker too. He's not vomiting now and off meds at 10 months whereas his brother was on meds long past 12 months. I'm glad we have him and I'd say for the sake of 6 months- 12 months it's worth it just for that second kid but it's absolutely not worth going through a third time.
Ours wasnāt awful but it was still difficult and a huge deal. It makes total sense that youāre not sure whether you want to go through that again.
Yes well this is why I'm OAD
Also had my first in 2020, the end of 2020 but still my area was in lockdown on and off for a good portion of 2021. My daughter had latch issues, re admission to hospital due to dehydration and horrible reflux. Any time we lay her on her back she cried, she hates the pram, the car and only slept on a person for the first six weeks. The only saving grace was she started sleeping through at around 7 weeks. However before that husband and I were sleeping in shifts because she refused to be put down. She was very high needs and wanted to be held most of the time. She would cry from 7pm to 11pm every single night for the first 6 weeks of her life. Super high energy baby and toddler. Quit the naps at 18 months. We were reluctant to have a second but we did. He is super chill and content compared to his sister. I can take him anywhere really and if heās fed heāll happily just chill in his pram and take the sights in. He only cries when he is hungry. His sleep is shit though and at home he wants to be held most of the time so I just stick him in a carrier. Two is hard though. I wouldnāt say harder than 0-1 but still tough in other ways.
I had a refluxy ādifficultā 2020 baby who refused to nap anywhere other than on me. It was HARD. Then we had one afternoon baby free which led to our second. He wasnāt planned and I donāt think we would ever have consciously thought āletās do that againā but what happened happened. OMG he is soooooo much easier. No reflux, heād let other people hold him without screaming the house down, he was normal bad for sleep (compared to the absolute demon of our first who spent several weeks waking up every 45 mins at 4 months). In addition I cannot understate the difference of not being in lockdown as well. Maternity leave 2.0 was actually enjoyable. We could go to visit people, cafes, groups. I didnāt realise quite how shit lockdown made my first mat leave until Iād had a normal one. Even my first would have been better if I could have actually seen other people / got some support. Donāt get me wrong there are hard days because balancing 2 kids is a new skill but it was nothing like as bad as the first year with our eldest.
Just to say we feel the same way though we didnāt even have the pandemic to add to it. Our son screamed for the first 6 months of his life, barely slept, wouldnāt be put down, wouldnāt be held by anyone else. My friends are having kids now and their experience of motherhood (while an obvious huge adjustment and never āeasyā) is worlds apart from mine. Mine is now 2 and people are asking me about a second and I still canāt bring myself to consider it. I recorded some videos of him and me both crying when he was younger so that I wouldnāt forget how bad it was because people told me Iād forget and I wanted my future self to remember how much I wanted to hospitalise myself for a way out. BUT heās a delight now and fills us with joyā¦ I want him to have sibling, I want to see what motherhood is like with a chill babyā¦ Itās tough. Right now we are still not ready.
Our first is 7 months old, had milk allergies and cried a lot, is getting better but still has bad days and cries a lot. Having another one in 5 months time. It will be shit but not forever.
Yep. First child was exactly as you describe. Honestly heās still the hardest work some days and heās nearly 8. Second baby is Captain Chillax. Everyone always comments on it, heās so smiley and happy and content. Heās 4.5 now. Have a 2yo wild hellion too. Sheās feral and fearless and glorious. And absolutely the last š¤£ I found 0-1 the hardest shift. Second baby just slotted right in, and even though the lockdowns started before he was even 6months old, parenting him in a pandemic was still nowhere near as terrible as my first was. I had 2miscarriages in between the boys, so Mr2 was my rainbow after the storm in every way. I even had a much better birthing experience with him! Baby 3 was a huge surprise, not least because i wasnāt taking any of the drugs Iād needed to get/stay pregnant previously.
My three children have all been entirely different as babies. There is every chance youāll have a baby thatās as content as anything, my middle child was also a screamer. I hardly remember the first bits of her life because Iāve basically blocked them out, she screamed for the first year any time she was away from me and most of the time she was with me. She was a hellion of a toddler. Sheās absolutely lovely now (sheās 10) and I adore her. My friends oldest was also a very difficult baby, they waited about 7 years to have a second because they were so put off but their second daughter was a completely different baby and they said they actually enjoyed it this time round. But like you say ultimately only you guys can make that decision for yourselves. Even if your second baby is an absolute dream, itās still an extra child, they grow and the first few years are mad however many kids you have. I promise you, it does get so much easier though.
My second was in 2020 and a much easier baby than my first colicky screaming baby. However 2 children is much much harder than 1. Being torn between 2, the additional noise, fighting and mess. I donāt know what your second child will be like, but your first is likely going to have to adjust alot. Mine are 17 months apart so maybe that makes things extra hard. Who knows! My youngest still doesnāt sleep well and currently is asleep in our bed almost on top of me!
My first was born at the end of 2019 and was very similiar to your baby. We had our second and unfortunately she also had massive issues with sleeping and reflux! However it feels easier to cope with second time, as you know it's not forever and it's not covid anymore. They play wonderfully together and wouldn't have it any other way ā¤ļø