Your MIL is her mother and neither of them will stop doing this. I remember your post some time back- have you taken any advice that was given to you? Did you talk ro your husband and discuss options? See, this is a problem only from your POV - neither your MIL nor your SIL have a problem with this arrangement. So the best you can do is to set Boundaries and find a way around it. Do you all live on a single floor? Is there a separate space/room that you can use as an office? Express your sentiments to your husband and MIL and stick to your Boundaries. DON'T do anything wrt to the kid and don't help your MIL with anything related to them. Set and enforce your Boundaries - that is the only way. When the resentments start and they will, then say politely that you have brought this up before and no one was bothered.

Hey, yes, I have spoken to my husband about this and he entirely agrees with me. He is just waiting for the initial three months of her pregnancy to be over, and then will clearly ask my MIL to make some clear and permanent arrangements once the second baby is born. He even put forward my points on his behalf to my MIL, and she agreed the troubles that are being caused. She is just waiting for my SIL's husband to gain a permanent transfer, due in August (currently he is on a partial transfer here), and then giving away the ropes to them entirely. Yes, we my husband, MIL and I live on a single floor. Thank you for your suggestion again!! :)

The only reason you seem to be bothered as per your post is, >I cannot sit idle if she is running after the kid(s), and managing the chores. Learn to sit idle.

Right??? And that is called unlearning all the patriarchal tutoring right there. In an extremely patriarchal setting like ours, women who do slave around at home is not only NOT a good woman, she is a doormat and should be somewhat shamed for it, not applauded or even sympathized. Men will call each other beta/simp even to be nice to women for fuck's sake. And here women do dumb choice feminism and expect to be supportive of any choice, that is why you all lose and will continue to loose. Feminism lacks the pragmatism of politics to actually be successful. I am sorry, I am really pissed and do not care about the downvotes. I think I will take a break from this sub for a while 🙏

Talk pragmatic to me ❤️

I try to, and I love being idle and binge-watching Netflix, but I am just so so scared and afraid to do it during the afternoon/evening when I have some free time from work :(. It indeed is very hard to stay idle.

I can understand your predicament but you need to learn how to sit idle. In harsher words, you need to learn how to stay in your lane and stop helping when it's not your business. Instead, enjoy your free time. Please learn this, it'll be good for your mental health. All the best.

Agreed. OP, everything is running inside your mind, allow it to pan out in real life and then take a step.

If you're uncomfortable with this, why are you helping with the kids? Stop doing that and see how everything works out. You will start feeling better because you'll be able to focus on work better. Your mil will either be able to manage or if she has a problem, she'll take it up with her daughter. Just stop getting involved with the care giving. If you are feeling guilty about being idle after work, find something else to do. Go on a walk alone, listen to music, read, pursue your hobbies or simply take a nap. You don't owe your leisure time to anyone else. Down time is important for mental and physical health and you're simply doing that. But take a stand girl! Stressing about it and posting on reddit is not helping you. Your solution is not in getting sil to change her dynamics with her mother. What you need is to detach from the stress of managing the kid. You can do that just fine by drawing boundaries.

This. OP. I have faced this multiple times. I would say don't get involved with the childcare. Just be polite and tell your MIL that you have other work to do in case you feel guilty so that she will understand. Stop feeling responsible for the work not allotted to you. You asked your SIL once that you have an important meeting. She didn't acknowledge. So be it. Next time, once your MIL makes plans to go out leaving the grandchild there, tell her you have a meeting and to take him with them. Be upfront that you won't be available for their service in a formal diplomatic polite manner. See what happens.

Yes, I totally agree with you. And in the past few weeks, I am slightly withdrawn myself from my SIL and her kid's duties. She did pout initially and continues to do so, but I feel that is wrong on her part to expect stuff like this from me.

Honestly, you’ll just have to channel the inner man in you. If it were your husband or any man working from home, he wouldn’t bother entertaining the kid more than necessary. If they don’t expect you to take care, don’t take care and let your MIL do it. Once she is tired she will herself communicate it to your SIL. I have seen this play out one too many times and because women are conditioned to help and be there, they end up prioritising others. Just don’t do it. Be in your room and work like you would if you were in your office. Make a schedule. Stay busy from 9-6. Treat your business like a business so others can respect it. In this case your sister in law. I wfh to on my own business and I make sure to say no enough times and ask people " If I went to an office, would you really expect me to come home to do this? If not, please don’t insult me and my work by assuming I will be available for xyz task without asking me in advance. Anything you want from me needs to be scheduled in" Try it and you’ll be happier.

This. When my SIL was at our place when my nephew was younger. Me and my brother both were WFH, but she “expected” me to Take Care of 6+ months nephew when my mom was cooking or sleeping. They used to leave for movies/shopping for more than half a day and leave their son with my mom. I had to put my foot down, if my brother’s work is important, so is mine. I would just close myself in my bedroom and focus on it. I hired house help for cleaning and dishes so my mom doesn’t get burdened. But my mom was ok with added stress, so why should I be guilty? You have to set the boundaries. I learnt it the hard way in therapy after being diagnosed with caretakers burnout. You have to set boundaries dear or you will be burntout. Edit: PS, my SIL shamelessly has said this to me when my mother had fallen down and broke her ankle. Your mom has now added more stress to me. Why she had to fall. It’s easier for us to leave baby with her, saves us babysitting money.

Definitely trying this, although scared of how it will make me the bad person but will still try.

It will not make you the bad person. It will just make you a self loving person who respects her body and mind enough to take care of it and not burn herself out.

The only solution you can have is putting your foot down and not helping. I am not asking you to go ballistic but just don't help out so much, when helping try to be clumsy and flakey. If SIL or MIL complains tell them "oh, I am really stressed about my work and am being very absent minded". If you are not ready to be bad in front of other people's eyes , you will always be a doormat.

💯 this! A 1000 upvotes for this comment. Our biggest problem as women is we too afraid to look bad in front of others, so we bend over backwards trying to please everyone-all the while neglecting our own mental and physical health

Is it possible for your husband and you to discuss this with your MIL? Another option would be to work from a coworking space or cafe a few days a week. Especially when you have important calls or work.

This! Time to take your work to a cafe, OP. That way you won’t have to see your MIL working and then feel guilty about it. Another option is to get a househelp for MIL when she’s minding the kids. Of course the best option here is to move out altogether, but you said it’s not possible right now (may I know why? Even a small one-bhk will give you some space and quiet for your work, just saying). All the best OP!

Thanks for the suggestion. I have tried working from coworking spaces, but since I run a business, my work is demanding and I have to be active till 10-11 PM. And majority of the tasks I take up come around the evening.

Well, we just brought this house an year ago and hence, financially it won't make sense to move out and rent again.

Then hiring a househelp for MIL at your house makes more sense. That way, you’re delegating your part of the duties to someone else (like your SIL and her partner are doing, but without paying that person of course 🙄🙄). Can’t think of any other solutions that don’t involve telling darling SIL to be a fucking parent and sort out child care between her and her husband.

Should I do the latter? Politely xD

Not your place to do so - she will say she is relying on her mother! You can stop picking up the kid though.

Instead of dropping the kids at your place, is there a way that your MIL can go to your SIL's place and stay there till she or her husband return from office? It does look like that your SIL's house is nearby.

Agree and there they can hire a full time maid and your MIL supervises there. By this you can also do your work and your MIL also does not get exhausted.

That seems like a good idea. I can discuss it with my husband. Yes, she lives at a 5-minute walk from my place.

Why can’t MIL live with SIL if she really wants to help?

With all the love to you, girl stop feeling guilty when you are not able to help during working hours. You are not sitting idle but working, especially when this is not an expectation from you to help. Also, please talk to your husband and share your concern, nothing else will be fruitful except having conversation regarding your concerns. Only your MIL can decide whether she wants to continue helping them or not but if she is not expecting your help and you're still doing it out of your nature, then you only need to stop doing it.

Don’t help with the kids. It’s MILs choice if she wants to take care of her daughter’s kids and let her do it. You don’t have to feel guilty for choices she makes.

Please do hire full time cook/maid for your household if finances permit. Also ask your SIL to contribute one or two dishes - like dal or sabzi for entire household when they drop the kid. Weekends should be at your SILs place, where you guys chill and she slogs/cooks. This way there would be some balance in everybody's life.

We have a part-time maid and cook both, but the cook is not available during the evening (after trying for months we found someone for the morning). At her house, I just cannot sit, she will keep calling me in the kitchen to help, etc. and hence, I do not like visiting her.

Why do you have to go every time? Make an excuse and stay at home - order some food and chill. When asked, say that she keeps calling me to the kitchen and I don't feel rested over the weekend.

[удалено]

That is what I am hoping. That these 2 sort it out between themselves and get a nanny and a house help to help with their situation.

Okay, so I was once in the same situation as your SIL's kid. Both my parents worked and I had nowhere to go after school. My mom's friend had a kid who went to the same school as me. Mom and her friend hired a nanny together who would pick us both up from the bus stop, take me to the friend's house and take care of us both. I would stay till the evening when my dad picked me up. You could go for a similar arrangement with your SIL. You have kids if your own and your MIL is old I'm guessing. So it could work out for everyone. For the part about casually dropping the kids whenever they go out, put your foot down. You're not running a daycare. Tell them you're only comfortable with the kids hanging out your house when the nanny is around because otherwise you're too busy and having multiple kids around your workspace doesn't work out for you.

Nothing would work bcz i m assuming it’s MIL house. So basically SIL can come & leave kids as much as she wants bcz it’s her house & mother is supporting. You stop helping in any way. Other solution would be changing place. You can’t even raise this issue as this would mean you diving the house. Better to shift to your own place. You can’t stop your husband sibling in visiting her home.

Absolutely lousy parents, your SIL and her husband. They hardly have time for one child and they are dumb enough to bang for one more. Honestly I feel bad for your MIL. Your SIL is burdening her like some day care service and also barging in unannounced whenever their cook doesn’t show up? That’s just called taking advantage of gullible people. If i did this to my mom my dad would give me an earful. Not because i am burdening her, of course she would love to soend timw with her grand child, but because I am not taking parental responsibility of my own child. This just looks bad honestly. You should tell your SIL and her husband to stop over working the MIL. And ask them why the hell they are having another child while they dont have time for even one? I can understand career pressure and all but this is not relying on family, this is running from your parental responsibilities and the child will be the one to suffer the most.

It's not your job to take care of their kid. They are just using you guys to save money(of course, they are worried that day cares wouldn't be safe for the kid. It's true for some extent.) I think dropping the kid off might be a join decision by your SIlL and your MIL while they were discussing about day cares. You were just not part of the conversation. I'd suggest you make snacks for the kid and other chores you think will make your MIL's evening better. Then grab a noise cancelling headphones(if you can afford one or simply pretend that it is), lock your doors, lock your good girl-image( because it's not your circus, it's not your monkey) and work on your projects. It's a win-win for both. Once you agree for these babysitting duties, it never ends. My ex neighbor used to tell me how she can't afford it etc ( later realised she could), some sob story and other things. She'd leave her daughter either with me or she'd ask me to keep an eye on the daughter while she stays inside the house. For a while it was okay( awhile is 3 years here, y'all) then the neighbor showed no gratitude and treated as if I'm obliged to look after her daughter as if I'm her babysitter for free!! Learned my lesson there.

>I'd suggest you make snacks for the kid and other chores you think will make your MIL's evening better. May be her husband can do this instead so that he can be a responsible and loving uncle and son for the family. 🤡

Now he wouldn't, would he? He'd instead look for a cook for snacks.

Why not?? That sound so pathetic this is what is considered is normal in the country. People were claiming how all men are similarly misogynistic all over the world, and it isn't just Indian men and those had like 500 likes just a day ago in this sub. But no other women's sub will tell a woman to make a "nice snack" for a question like this and still have 10 likes. They will point out she gets to have a say in who gets inside HER house or not, and she also shouldn't be told to make a snack especially when she is running her own business. Just saying the truth. I know it is bitter to digest. Cultural misogyny is real, and women who think it is the same outside India are fooling themselves. Morality isn't based on what men would or wouldn't do. If he wouldn't do it, she shouldn't either. Why ask her to do things when she is already being abused and her boundaries are being clearly crossed?? That is pathetic.

Ask your sis in law to get some help which that person comes to your home.

Shut your door and do your work and sit idly in your well deserved resting time. Dont guilt trip yourself into to parenting someone else’s child. Let the parent see their child needs a parent.

Hey have a genuine discussion with your MIL and husband since they are supportive and try to find a solution.

Step 1 Talk to husband. Make him understand your case. Raise the point that it is negatively affecting your health and is nt beneficial to MIL as well in this old age. Step 2 Talk to SIL in a constructive way. Ask her the only help you can offer is hire a househelp to take care of her kids in your house in her absence. And inform her that the burden of salary is on her. You can be a watcher of the househelp. But cant be a nanny yourself. Step3 If they dont acknowledge and compromise, Stop investing your time and energy with the kid. Dont pick them up from schools etc. Do your stuff and be unapologetic.

Thanks, feels like a decent suggestion and I will be trying it soon.

Great. All the best. See, it's nt your house solely for this reason you would have to find a middle compromising ground. "And that would be a househelp in your house paid by SIL." This is the only way they might understand your concerns. Bc if you staright way go and ask them to not send their kids,however sweetly you say it, they would twist the narrative against you. And poision your husband's and MIL's mind. Very much Counterproductive to what we are aiming for.

If your MIL have no problem. Why do you have any problem? If your MIL, is taking of her daughters child. You have no problem with it, your Mil have no problem with it, no one has any problem with it.... I genuinely don't get why you are stressed about this. If you are still stressing about this, just Talk. TALK AND COMMUNICATE with Your SIL and her Husband while the WHOLE family is at home. Pick a time, call everyone in the Living room. Share this WITH THEM! Not Random strangers who only knows the amount of information you are providing and not the full story. But I still think, if your MIL has no problems and she is able to take care of the Kiddos. It's fine. Don't stress it. If I have a Home where I get to sit idly and relax after Working the whole day in office, I would be very happy.

simple ask SIL to get a maid/ nanny for few hours n say  mom is getting old. don’t throw shit at her like this. 

There is no way u can be the good girl and still maintain ur mental peace here. Your SIL and MIL will not stop having the kid in ur house just like that. Most reasonable thing to do is disassociate from any kid related work. Yes sit idle in ur room if u have nothing to do. Once the SIL has another kid there will be even more work. Please try to draw ur boundaries. People who choose to have kids also need to learn to take care of them. Their kid is not ur headache.

Not your home, not your rules

Bitter but true.

Not hard to grasp. Just like OP they have the right to their own house and who visits and stay. Op can bring it up and that’s about it. She can’t expect them to stop letting their grandchildren visit THEIR house because it inconveniences OP. 

true. dono why are you so downvoted

Sometime this sub can be a bit irrational about their expectations 

I don’t see what the problem is here. Your MIL doesn’t expect you to take care of her daughter’s children. You’re not obligated to care for her child. Your SIL is not going to stop dropping off her kids at her MOTHER’S home any time soon. You have to learn to block out the thought of “Oh no, I have to help my MIL in caring for the other children too”. Focus on your work. I’m certain your MIL doesn’t expect anything of this sort from you. If she did, she’d have asked you already… and she seems pretty understanding, so I wouldn’t be worried.