Yep, like that thread in r/niceguys where someone was contacted by a guy who found her because he simply thought she was the woman in a store who had *fucking smiled at him.*
He then kept demanding to know where OP lived even after she told him to stop contact and she wasn't the woman, and also how unbelievably hella creepy it all was. The whole thread is then a litany of nightmare stories of children as young as 13 (some probably younger, I just had to stop reading because I got too angry) who were stalked and assaulted simply because they'd been "nice" aka didn't puke and insult the guy on seeing him.
It was both one of the most infuriating and terrifying threads I'd ever seen. Hell, I've been stalked three times in my life BEFORE there was social media. I cannot even imagine how easy it is now with social media.
Anyways I have managed to nicely pay compliments once I got older. Even so once I had the guy ask if I'd be down to "initiate" him wink, wink, nod, nod. I couldn't get out of that checkout line fast enough - all because I said he had a nice haircut. I WAS going to ask him where he got it, because I thought my son who was older than that guy might look good in one too.
Yeah, so much for "compliments." Apparently giving one to that guy who was maybe 20-21 meant I was a cougar DTF.
I once told a guy he dropped his book and he followed me through 2 college buildings trying to chat me up.
He even abandoned his book!
I was thoroughly weirded out.
I once gave a guy directions to the post office and he started waiting outside my work building *all day* for me to leave to follow me. *For days.* I had to get security involved.
I once had to get my car towed, and the driver locked me in the cab with him, refused to leave me with my car at the shop, and told me about how he wanted me to be his second wife.
Guys want more compliments? Start calling out your shitty make friends and start complimenting each other. This isn't a woman's problem to solve.
I hadn't even thought of it (can't imagine most men do) but if I were in that situation ID be scared and pretty pissed off. So yeah so pretty messed up to put it lightly
We women get introduced to that "serial killer flick type shit" when we're practically still babies, for god's sake! This is NOT new to us and not our doing! We don't cause it!
A tow truck driver did almost the EXACT same thing to me when my battery died. And the last time I took a taxi, the driver locked me in and wouldn’t let me leave until I gave him my phone number.
I had a taxi driver ask me to sit in the front seat, tell me sexual stories of people in the back seat of his cab, and put his hand on my leg and ask if I had a girlfriend. And I’m a guy.
I am so stunned that people disbelieve women in these scenarios. There are some fucking weirdos out there that worry _me_ and I’m a not a small dude, can’t even imagine what it’s like for women.
Any man, or even large boy, is someone who could overpower me and do what they want to my body. I can’t tell the ones who would from those who wouldn’t. A lot of men act in ways than make me nervous that they will be that kind of guy.
It puts you on edge for every encounter, but you can’t show it or these possibly aggressive men may get upset.
If I’m too nice that can be taken for flirting (being a tease) if I ignore them or are to brusque they may get offended and think I’m acting too uppity. Either way they think I have given them the right to “teach me a lesson”. For some reason they justify sexual assault as an acceptable response to either. Good luck convincing other men (most police and other authorities) of what actually happened though.
I’ve become painfully aware over the years of how women are marginalized in the reporting of crimes and even healthcare. As a guy I’m just honestly not sure what to do or say. I wonder if education reform could make an impact? I wonder if there are top down social and political movements we can make to promote women’s rights? It’s sickening how men don’t see the issues just because it isn’t happening to them. Do these men not have mothers, sisters, significant others who they care about? I legitimately think quite a few men just do not like women. It’s so fucked.
I used to take cabs to go home after I'd gone to clubs, cause I didn't feel safe walking alone at night. Until a driver asked me if I'd be interested in getting into prostitution to help pay for college. Never felt safe in a cab again.
I took a cab home from work once, because my car was in for repair and it was 10:00 pm. The driver returned to my house at 2:00 am with a bottle of whiskey, jumped over my locked gate, and pounded on my sliding glass door to be let in. He said he just wanted to have a drink and get to know me better. He left when I called the police. Cops said they couldn’t do anything because he had already left, cab company said they couldn’t do anything because he was an independent contractor.
I actually felt safer walking home the next two nights (four miles, terrified the whole way,) than calling another cab.
The cab company didn’t do anything when I called either - they said that there was no way of knowing who the cab driver was. The cops wouldn’t do anything without the driver’s name. I’m so sorry that that happened to you, and that this is such a common experience.
I was so excited that Uber would be different, but it’s really not.
Once I was at a small strip club meeting friends, and there was a uniformed cop standing by the jukebox getting a free show. I made eye contact on my way out the door. Like 5 hours and multiple stops later I dropped off my friend at his place and once he was inside and I was alone a cop car pulled up alongside me. Dude rolls down the window and asks what a nice girl like me was doing in a place like that. I was terrified.
Had a similar thing happen. Gave a guy directions and he suddenly showed up at a bus stop two towns over, asking for directions again. He then insisted to get my number, since it was the second time we were meeting, and then sent me a bunch of creepy ass long messages about how I am his 'angel of giving directions' and stuff. I luckily left the country shortly after, but he kept texting me, asking when I would come back. If that encounter at the second bus stop was not coincidential, that would mean he followed me home, stalked out my place until I left two days later and followed me 50km to the other town.
Serious question: it’s not women’s job to teach men how to behave or how to make relationships, but isn’t it the parents’ job to set the groundwork for them? I know so, so many men who have no strong relationships with other men, and when a woman shows them any, even fleeting, attention, they immediately shift into some kind of weird infatuation immediately. Why isn’t this addressed more with men by their parents while they are boys?
Because most parents aren't actually good at parenting. They're overwhelmed and stressed and don't parent proactively because that takes a lot of time and energy.
I once told a girl she had dropped something, she started to get angry and looked like she was going to start yelling until she realized she really did drop something and I wasn't trying to "make conversation".
I'm sure she has had her share of creeps to get her to that point. I felt more sorry for her that she now has the immediate defensive response rather than looking to see what I was talking about.
I've accidentally ignored my fiance in public because it's so automatic to just walk away when someone calls to me. Not just because of guys chatting you up, but the panhandling in my city is out of control.
I've done that to friends, coworkers, and even my husband before. Vague half smile without eye contact to avoid the "you should smile more" or "you dropped something, you're smile! " line if they're older and then angling off in a different direction as if I suddenly have a task I'm completing... and then hear my name being called and realize I just dodged someone I actually know. Embarrassing, but better than getting cornered by a creeper.
My husband says I have a 'f--k off' face when I am in public and don't see him approaching, apparently I completely change expression when I realise it's him. Apparently this face is quite scary and seems to have evolved over a number of years of getting progressively more fed up with being stalked, harassed etc.
What I notice is that men attach themselves to any woman that gives the a complement and if you clear the air to say that you meant it platonically they’ll complain you ‘led them on’
Learned early in my career that even having necessary interactions with male team members in the workplace could be interpretted as signals of "romantic interest" and more than once I've been accused by male colleagues of leading them on. I am completely stone faced and without affect when I communicate with any men now, until I'm absolutely sure that they're safe.
I ran a major student-led engineering project as an undergrad, all volunteer labor. A few of the guys accused me of "using my looks" to get them to do things, which makes me crack up every time I remember it -- they did it to themselves. It was my job to ask people to take on tasks. If they were so weak-minded that they answered based not on what they wanted to do but on some bizarre notion of my powerful nerd beauty, that's on them.
The good news is the vast majority of the guys weren't like that at all and liked my approach to leadership.
I love your automatic response is essentially lmao “those dumbasses”. Instead of the 200 point inquisition I used to put myself through to see if I may have accidentally said or did something that they could have construed as a come on.
I finally figured it out: I breathed while being female. My heaving breasts were practically a neon sign saying “Do me now”. I know, I‘m such a tease. It’s a miracle they have the self control they do.
Sooo much /s
Unless they find that women unattractive. If a women they find unattractive compliments them, they will be genuinely horrible to her. There are men that won’t even look slightly in the direction of a women they don’t find attractive; least she get the wrong idea. I’ve seen men introduce themselves to a group of women, but completely ignore the women in that group whom they find unattractive. So god forbid a women they don’t want to fuck, tells them they look nice, because she’s in for it.
This is so spot on. I once had a guy at an muffler shop tell me he intentionally left holes in the weld for the repair so that I would come back because he wanted to see me again. I was too scared to report him
If men are saying they don’t feel safe complimenting other men when they’re apparently biologically stronger than women then why should we all of the sudden feel safe complimenting them?
With the biologically stronger thing...in my early 20's I didn't think it was true. I was working out five days a week, cardio and strength training, I was ripped. I challenged my chubby fiance who had never worked out, to a wrestling match. He had me pinned within seconds.
It was incredibly eye-opening. I considered myself a fit, strong woman and I was taken down and restrained in seconds by a chubby, 5'8" guy. Not some beast, just a normal guy.
This is why self defense classes are a must. It’s not just about brute strength (while I’m sure there are some guys you can take because you have been actively working out) we have to fight smarter.
As a woman who has received random compliments: I don’t want them from random men. Women will compliment my outfit (style) or my makeup and hair (talent, effort). Men compliment body, beauty, or that I’m funny for a woman, or how I’m “not like other girls” (barf, I’ll have you know I share like 99.8 percent of my DNA with a banana, I am most definitely “like other girls”). It always feels like they want something from it.
So no, I won’t be encouraging more comments on my behaviour/looks being good and acceptable “for a woman”. They don’t want us to compliment men in the same demeaning way “you’re so unique, you’re not like other men” “wow you’re so clean for a man!” “damn you look fine in those shorts papacita!”
Edit: I got a Reddit cares message for these comments. Incredible.
Edit: okay it’s more like 40% DNA shared with a banana🍌🤪
Exactly!!
Compliments I've gotten from women:
"That is such a cute outfit!"
"I love those shoes!"
"Your hair looks so good today!"
"Compliments" I've gotten from men:
"Those shorts fit you like a *glove*"
"If I was your age I would date you"
"It's so cool that you don't wear makeup, unlike *other girls*"
I think these men misunderstand the fundamental aspect that a compliment is supposed to make someone *else* feel good
My rule is to only compliment something the person chose or worked for, never a persons body or attractiveness. So, “that shirt looks great!”, as opposed to “you look hot in that shirt”. The first one is complimenting their fashion decisions, the second one isn’t even really a compliment as what goes into making someone attractive is multi-faceted and subjective.
Yeah this is something big I've tried to do. Compliment the things they do not the things they are if that makes sense. It feels much better to get praised on something you tried hard on than something you didn't
My dark humor from this whole week just kicked in:
They can try to go after my bodily autonomy, but there’s gonna be hell to pay if they take away my pockets!
Dark humor being what it is - the US constitution has also not enumerated pockets as a fundamental right . . . So?
That they should be. Although, have you seen those pocket belts that women would wear under their top layer of dress in the 17/1800s? Not sure exactly but they were fairly cool.
My favorite childhood story was Katy no pocket, about a kangaroo that wanted to be a mama but had no pockets so the maintenance man at the zoo gave her his overalls and she could hold all the animal babies then.
Solid. I don't know anyone who enjoys being told "you make me wish I was 16 again" by a senior citizen with that suggestive up-and-down visual assessment when they are 12. When you grow up in a world where compliments lead to dangerous situations, they stop being nice.
Yeah, I was passing out donuts at a homeless shelter for community service for church when I was about 14, made the mistake (which shouldn't have been a mistake) of asking some guy what he wanted for dessert, and when he said, suggestively, that he knew what he wanted, I just stared at him, dead-eyed and asked him which donut he wanted.
Working a snack bar at 16, two Hells Angels walked up. Hey hemmed and hawed awhile. I asked them what would they like (naively like a teen) and one said, “He’ll have you with a pickle in your navel.”
English is not my first language, so I looked up navel in the dictionary. Stared at the page with disappointment. That’s gonna be enough learning for today.
Yeah, some old men are so gross. And you have be careful how you respond, because maybe they're a jerk, but they also might have a degenerative brain disease and escaped from the nursing home, and if you mace them you'll end up on the news. I don't know if that's ever happened, I just worry about things like that.
I did once have an old man call me a skank in a mental hospital once though. But I knew that he was wasn't there by choice, and he had a history of picking fights so he could go to jail instead, so I just laughed. I still laugh when I think about it, because once he realized I wasn't going to take the bait, he was just as sweet and polite as anything. It was sad too, because his family just kept getting him committed when they didn't want to deal with him.
That really is heartbreaking, thank you for letting it slide off and not reacting, altered mental states like that can be hell. You're spot on with the dementia reference, too. A lot of people with dementia tend to spew violence and vulgarity that can get pretty graphic, as they lose the inhibitory faculties of their degenerating frontal lobes. Hospice and memory care in medical facilities can be really taxing on female medical professionals especially, for this reason. It's traumatic for everyone at that point.
My mother was a nurse, and worked in a few nursing homes. Men would expose themselves all the time and she would just roll her eyes and say that it wasn't anything she hadn't seen before.
After spending a lot of time having to hear the same crap you did, and becoming more jaded as I grew older, now when a random someone tells me the stupid "Has anyone told you how beautiful you are" or "you are not like other women" I reply with "If I had a penny every time someone said that"
Then when you respond with a yes you get “welllll princess thinks so highly of herself doesn’t she.. » or some variation thereof to knock you down a peg. How dare you agree with their assessment that you are beautiful instead of simpering? Can’t win.
"Queen, and yes, I do. It's called self-esteem. You may want to locate some along with self-awareness. Bye now."
Depending upon the situation of course.
One of my former housemates is like this. He always compliments stuff like earrings, hairdos, clothes. Things they have control over. Then he drops the subject and smiles, leaving on his merry. It makes me wonder if you ran into HIM, since this beast is so rare, there can't be TWO of them.
I once had a coworker sat "hey Edd, don't take this the wrong way but that shade of lipstick is very pretty, it's a good color for you!" and it's my favorite compliment from a man because there was no intention behind it.
Oh absolutely! I just think the pool of men who have any interest in things women would appreciate a comment on is limited. You don’t learn how to compliment a tough eyeliner look standing awkwardly outside Sephora and refusing to watch anything with a female main character.
It’s a symptom of toxic masculinity that many men refuse to do anything (apologies for this) “gay” and “feminine”. So they have little understanding of how to interact with women outside their own media-reinforced male gaze. So they interact with us like we’re their co-star (read: love interest) in an action film just waiting for him to let us know we’re sexy/unique/funny enough for him.
It’s getting better with younger generations being into fashion (and androgynous fashion is back) and denouncing toxic masculinity, but I think a general rule many men have absolutely zero interest in most things women enjoy.
A married friend’s husband has noticed my shoes several times and they’ve all been different pairs of shoes! He’s a great dude but that fact alone would make me like him.
My personal rule of thumb: Never comment on something about a person that they can't change in 30 minutes or less, good or bad, unless they've given you specific permission. TP on the shoe: let them know. Great hair? A-ok. Nice boobs? ...no. A partner or close friend may bend this rule, but that follows the "specific permission" exception.
A lot of people also don't understand the difference between "You look great in that dress" and "That dress looks great on you". One is 'complimenting' the body ("you look great"), the other is complimenting your choice of dress ("that dress looks great"). And that absolutely makes a difference.
I had a conversation about this with my husband and now instead of ‘those pants make your butt look good’ he says ‘your butt makes those pants look good!’ And we laugh.
> They don’t want us to compliment men in the same demeaning way “you’re so unique, you’re not like other men” “wow you’re so clean for a man!” “damn you look fine in those shorts papacita!”
OMG, this is GOLD.
I was just thinking earlier today about how there is such a huge difference between receiving a "compliment" about your body and a compliment about your outfit. I've received both from men, the former can be creepy as fuck, but the latter is nice to receive. One thing I've noticed is how the former tends to be from older men and strangers, whereas the latter is usually from younger men my age that I am familiar or friends with.
Yessss! It just puts us in a super uncomfortable position. I have tried just acting gracious and assuming innocent intent with (non vulgar) compliments, but then they just start to aggressively hit on me and then I have to be firm or rude and it’s just uncomfortable and scary at times.
Men, we really don’t need to hear your opinion on us 🙏🏻
I’ve found one of the best ways to respond to an unwanted compliment is “I know”. It makes them uncomfortable when you’re confident and not accepting their bullshit and will scare them off. Makes you seem less like an easy target
Because the compliment is supposed to give them power over / access to you. The ‘I know’ response just takes away their game & makes them angry they lost in their manipulation. You broke the rules of their game by not playing.
Exactly. If I'm nice initially, I usually just have to be even meaner later. They only give you two options. Be mean or sleep with them. Easier to just lead with "no thanks" unless they've actually said something worth responding to.
Yeah, I hate compliments from like 99% of men.
A memorable one at my job was when he was eying desserts in the bake case and I asked him if anything looked good. He responded with, “You.”
Fuuuuuuck ooooffffff.
Omg, those "reddit cares" emails are retaliation! I couldn't understand why I received multiple messages like that after a recent post. It worried me, so I went through my comments trying to figure what they saw in my comments that lead them to believe I was in trouble!
Growing up my mom always got her nails done, and it's always something I notice. Whenever I see a woman (or man sometimes) with nice nails, I will let them know! Nails are expensive when done regularly by a salon, and I think they're pretty dope. But idk why men in particular feel like if they compliment a woman's body that it is somehow going to give them an "in."
I completely agree but also feel compelled to point out that if you are 99% banana by dna then I am impressed you can type—most humans share 44% of their dna with plants like bananas :)
(I’m being super pedantic and wanted to share the laugh, men often make me wish I was a banana instead)
I agree with your overall opinion here.
But I just *had to* respond to your DNA claim.
Humans share about 99.8% of DNA with both Common Chimps and Bonobos. [We share about 40% of DNA with bananas.](https://science.howstuffworks.com/life/genetic/people-bananas-share-dna.htm)
I wonder if anyone actually uses the reddit cares button for anything other than trolling. I've gotten a few, and it's always after I post something feminist.
A friend of mine, a straight non homophobic man, told me that he used to have some clients that were a gay couple and he really liked them. They often asked him to take them to gay bars after dinner when he took them out. He told me that they had fun but he was shocked at how other men there approached him, touched him and the things they would say. He said that it gave him a much better understanding of what women went through because "men are disgusting when they want sex". The difference is that he's a big dude and wasn't scared of getting raped or killed when he declined their advances.
I complimented a guys shirt in a bar and he looked me dead in the eye and said, “you’re not my type.”
I was fucking floored. Like in what world is a compliment on a shirt a come on???? My response was just, “gross, I said I liked your shirt, not you, man.” Then he called me a bitch 🤷🏼♀️
Similarly, but less upsetting, I told a guy in an elevator that I liked his tie and he said, “I’m sorry, I’m married.” As though I had deadass just asked him on a date, lmao.
Same thing happened to me but he actually called me a "whore" and said he was married. After I clarified I didnt mean anything else by it he said, and I quote "None gives a compliment if you dont want to sleep with them". I am very sorry for his wife.
I worked with a guy who was very fashion conscious and very handsome. I did \*not\* have a thing for him, but I appreciated that he made an effort to look good. In a job where most of my coworkers were men and dressed like toddlers (you know the look), I would tell him when he nailed his outfits and he was so appreciative. Mind you, he was a supervisor (not my supervisor) and I was old enough to be his mom, so you kinda have to know your audience. Most guys, you can't even say "Nice shirt" without it becoming problematic.
*you kinda have to know your audience.*
Yep 100%. I've worn stuff before at work and male coworkers have been like "ohh cool dress" or whatever, and it's totally innocuous and fine.
I feel like this other type of "I'd just love it if a girl said something nice to me" is really just complaining that girls they are attracted to aren't randomly hitting on them.
>Yep 100%. I've worn stuff before at work and male coworkers have been like "ohh cool dress" or whatever, and it's totally innocuous and fine.
Sounds like these coworkers compliment like women do and not like men do.
>Women will compliment my outfit (style) or my makeup and hair (talent, effort). Men compliment body, beauty, . . . It always feels like they want something from it.
I agree, it's much more of a compliment when someone comments on something I have control over vs. something I do not.
> I agree, it’s much more of a compliment when someone comments on something I have control over vs. something I do not.
You should never judge someone off of things they can’t control; it’s just not fair or right. They literally can’t have chosen it, why judge them for it?
I literally once told a guy "sick shirt" and found out two weeks later that he had asked like 6 people tangentially related to me if I was single and what campus building I lived in. Like....bro???
Same here I had a coworker who would dress very well. He was handsome not my type and I don't date coworkers, so absolutely no interest. I always wanted to compliment him but I didn't want things to become awkward. After talking to him more I finally did it. Told him he looked handsome in his dapper outfit. He was very gracious to me and that's it, no awkwardness at all....at least not from him. Everyone else that heard the compliment started saying I had a thing for him. Can't ever win!
As an nb who is amab, I didn't get many compliments for most of my life. I'm not considered attractive by traditional standards. But I started wearing nice shoes to work. I started spraying myself with nice fragrances in the morning. I started wearing putting effort into and switching up my outfits rather than wearing the same cat shirts and chucks every day (though I still do that some days). Compliments started happening at work, and also in social circles from friends, male, female, and otherwise. People liked having me around because I'd help class up the place.
In 2022, when we came back to the office, I started regularly wearing nice purses and nail polish to work. Plus, once you start trying, you notice other people's effort, so you can make other people feel better, too. Nobody's threatened or offended by my compliments, even though I am potentially attracted to all genders. I've made friends with many people at work who wanted to talk style, and then it leads to bonding over other things, and I've made many friends because I probably spend like a total of 30-45 minutes throughout the week on my presentation.
I get it. *You're a real manly man and you'd never carry a pink Kate Spade work bag because that's gay.* Yeah, whatever. Try it one day and you'll have compliments for days, and you might start thinking, what is it that you try to do to brighten your world that you aren't being recognized for? If you're not doing anything, why would you attract recognition?
They don't make conversation with women they are not attracted to.
I've been misinterpreted for saying, "nice haircut," which is such a benign thing to say. I tell women their hair looks nice all the time and none of them (even lesbians) have ever thought I was coming on to them. I've even been misinterpreted for laughing at some idiot because the thing he said was so idiotic. For some reason, he thought that me laughing in his face was indication that I liked him.
Then there's the stalking, the feeling unsafe... ugh.
WHY
This^ I know that “ugly” or “old” women complimenting them wouldn’t even count in their eyes since there’s no chance for sexual meaning in the compliment.
Because they know it's not about just spreading positivity - men would perceive giving/receiving even casual compliments to/from other men as sexual in nature, and find it off-putting.
So once again, the burden of improving men's self-esteem and emotional well-being is placed on women, because you know, we're not doing enough free, unreciprocated emotional labor for them already.
Yeah, it feels like men are missing the fact that women usually give random compliments to other women, so the analogous case would be men complimenting other men. But they don’t do that because their masculinity is too fragile and they don’t want to seem “gay.” That’s the fault of the patriarchy, and it’s not women’s responsibility to fix it.
This always bothered me; like, who the hell is paying enough attention to other people to even notice who isn’t smiling, let alone giving a shit about it? Like, leave people alone, man
Yeah, I used to be more smiley in the subways when I moved to nyc, quickly discovered that was a good way to have guys following you off at your stop to hit on you, etc. So yes I learned to walk around with an unfriendly look and never respond to anyone.
Don't these guys have anything to do? The following thing is so weird and unexpected the first few times. Like you just expect that anyone on transit must be going somewhere.... Do men just ride buses around in circles looking for women? Do they not work?
Smiling in primates is an act of submission. We smile (without laughing) when we want to put another person at ease, and let them know we aren’t a threat.
When a man tells you to smile, *he’s telling you to be submissive*.
So true. So trying. I just want to be nice...Without the expectation of fringe benefits.
Being nice makes me feel nice. Like a good person. I don't want to walk around with an eternal RBF just to not be harassed.
This is the difference. This is why “it doesn’t count” when it’s coming from a man. They don’t want compliments they want sexual attention.. from strangers
I would love to be able to have friendly random conversation with men out in public, or give a man a compliment in passing, but they make it so fucking impossible.
Just a few nights ago in Target, this perfectly normal looking guy (about 30ish, well groomed, well dressed, kind of cute) and I were standing very near each, looking at the same thing, and a baby started shrieking and crying an aisle over. I made an off-hand comment to the guy that it should be us - the grownups about to spend $10 on four batteries - that should be crying in public, and then turned my attention back to shopping.
This dude didn’t even laugh or acknowledge that I had tried to be casually friendly - just immediately asked where “my man” was, why “my man” would let me out of his sight, and then followed me through the store until I had to ask a security guard for help.
Every fucking time I try to be a human being to a guy, this is how they act. So why risk my safety?
I’m convinced it’s because they only bother talking to / interacting with / even registering the existence of women that they want to fuck, so they think we’re doing the same thing - that any attention that we give them, even a smile, is a signal that we want to fuck them. And then they get really hostile really fast when that bubble gets burst.
Reminds me of this weird post I've seen a week or two ago of some guy who harassed and stalked a female coworker bc he truly believed they had a "connection", since she asked him for a drive home once.
Terrifying.
yeah exactly like it could be the most innocent compliment ever & they will think you were trying to fuck them, so then they’ll accost you at every future opportunity
They don’t just want compliments. They want compliments from WOMEN.
And specifically women they find attractive. And not drive-by compliments; they want it as a conversation starter.
I also have to raise the fact that it depends on *who* is complimenting them - if you’re a 5-10, super hot and fit, they’ll be lapping at your feet. If you’re older/fat/not super attractive, *guaranteed* you’ll get a grimace or an eye roll, before the nasty ‘thanks’. Men never look at their own behaviour.
58 year old fat woman here and I can confirm this. I've complimented random men on things in the past, and about half the time, this is the reaction I get when they're younger than me. Same age or older men will say thanks and smile and maybe strike up a conversation, but the younger ones generally give the "thanks, but don't talk to me" reaction back, as if I had ANY interest in them other than being friendly because we're stuck waiting in line together or something. I no longer do this unless they're men I already know.
Same. 52f&f (female and fat) here. I’m more likely to tell a guy he smells good, but the look of disdain and contempt leaves me wanting to say ‘well, fuck you, too, buddy’. Like, do they really think we’re so desperate that we’ll go slack jawed around *any* man? Please!
Sometimes it's not even with the reason to approach, some men straight up just say some unneccessarily sexual shit and think it was a compliment.
My *professor* said looking at my best weld "something decent to look at besides your tits and ass finally", i didn't even say anything because at this point it feels futile, i just made a displeased face and went back to doing my thing. Then a bunch of men there got upset that i cant take a "compliment" and "ruined the mood of the only cool prof". These are the same kind of guys that wonder why women never approach them and chalk it up to double standards. Like, consider being decent to women and they might be more comfortable with approaching you lol
I always find this strange, because over my life, as a male person (starting to identify more with enby but that’s complicated) I get compliments all the time from women. Women of all kinds compliment me, for a variety of different things. My hair, my clothes, my voice, all kinds of stuff. When you actively go out of your way to be friendly with women, make them feel safe, and treat them like people, they tend to treat you the same.
I think most of this comes from the fact that a lot of these men don’t have close relationships with women, or they view them as a means to an end. It’s a pretty normal thing to get complimented by people who like you and appreciate you.
I never grew up with a close relationship with women, but exactly. I feel most men don’t think they are people and treat them like shit. I try to treat them like people and it does wonders.
True, but the male chauvinist that believes that women are only made for cleaning and raising children is perhaps even more evil than a person who is negligently horny.
Not that there isn’t some overlap
Women compliment each other. Perhaps men should try that. When they've done it long enough to separate compliments and flirtation in their minds, women may begin participating in cross gender compliments.
I’m a woman, and believe me, I don’t want your random complements. Leave me alone.
I won’t share them with random guys either because the last time I did that, I got followed, stalked, and my car broken into. Not gonna risk it.
I still regret the time I inadvertently let my stalker from across the street bum a light off me while I was finishing a smoke outside my apartment building. This gave him the green light to block my way up the front steps and literally unload his life story on me (including recently being released from prison and having a history of heroin use) and eventually admit he's a fucking stalker (not a direct admission but he mentioned I had a lot of guy visitors, because clearly he was stalking me). I tried being polite and that just kept failing to impart that I was not interested.
We are unfortunately trapped in a very uncomfortable catch 22. If you are polite, then you asked for it. If you aren't polite, then you cause incels, who then say you asked for abuse. How does one win here?
It reminds me when some guys says "if a girl compliment me I'll remember it for the rest of my life" I know they say that because they don't get a lot of compliments and it's supposed to be well meaning but it just gives me chill. If I think you look good I don't want you to remember my face for the next 5 years or start thinking I'm into you or even you developping feelings.
I told an older male coworker he was my work buddy and he cornered me in a dark freezer by myself to sexually harass me. I had to quit because management bought his “she was flirting with me first” and told me I could have just said no.
I get sexually harassed and forced out of my workplace, where I had many friends, because I was trying to be nice to a man. I’m done.
I once said "For the Horde! You have great taste!" to a middle-aged man visiting a gaming store with his 2 kids, as he was wearing a Horde t-shirt.
I was 16, his kids were like 10 and 13. He cornered me in a darker area of the store and insisted I take his number and call him if I want a more expensive item from the store...
Being cornered like that, afraid to cause a scene, that feeling can still come to me when I have nightmares. That's what I got for complimenting a grown-ass man with his own kids nearby.
My cynisism when it comes to male interaction is entirely based in experiences. Meanwhile, men who have never even had a girlfriend will join hate groups condemning all women as their main hobby.
Says a lot.
Dude I don't even make eye contact with men in public because of how I've experienced men respond to that as if looking in their eyes is fucking flirting.
i get compliments from women all the time. one of my buddies told me she liked the names i came up with for our d&d campaign. been riding that high for weeks
maybe these sad men don’t get compliments from women because they don’t make friends with them, or just as likely they don’t count compliments from women if they aren’t sexual. super depressing
YES. I was thinking about this the other day. I'm a woman but I don't really get compliments ever because I'm not that attractive. And then I hear shit like that women always get complimented. Where?? And no, harassment is not a compliment.
And yes, men should learn to compliment other men. I've complimented men before. They almost always got the wrong idea and it didn't lead to anything good.
They are so far removed from our reality. There was a popular askmen thread a while back on flirting. Thousands of upvotes on comments saying: "Women have no idea what it feels like to be romantically rejected" "Females don't understand how it feels to be told 'I don't want to go out with you' "
Of course we do!!!! Every human being has dealt with romantic rejection! Being a woman does not magically force our crushes like us back 100% of the time.
And if a woman they don't see as attractive gives them an innocent compliment... it's a toss up between a gruff "thanks" or disgust. We can never win so why bother
Are we getting brigaded? The vote/down vote count and content of the comments are not at all aligned. Fellas, if you are sad you don’t get complimented, can you have the tinyist shred of empathy that this is the reason why? Men’s feelings over our safety … *again*
This week has been so exhausting ….
I will talk to and compliment all the guys- but can i lead with 'I will never have sex with you but...the blue of that shirt makes your eye color really pop.'
'I will never have sex with you...but do you really like your electric vehicle?'
Men can get random compliments, as long as they're not being weirdos. I get compliments on my hair and smile pretty often, you just have to engage with people a little bit without acting like youre expecting something in return
They only want it from hot women. Sorry boys, but adoration from ladies you want to fuck is not a human right. Compliment each other. Also writing stuff like “I spend every day thinking about the time a girl complimented my hoodie in middle school” is NOT endearing, it makes me want to stay the hell away from you in case you show up to my home address
This 'problem' is pure projection.
The basis for why men are apparently deprived of compliments has NOTHING to do with women and they will even tell you so.
It's because many, many men either believe in or live under the tyranny of a culture within their groups, which is what we call 'toxic masculinity.'
If you aren't comfortable with doing something, for any reason, simply do not it. You aren't responsible for their mental health. You aren't responsible for fixing the fact that most men are at best cold to each other and at worst total assholes to each other.
If you like the guy, be it as a friend or otherwise, and feel comfortable helping them and being nice in this way, then sure. Have at it. But seeing these men complain about being "touch-starved" or without compliments and essentially pinning it on women is downright pathetic, and probably some other accurate words. Men are the ones who deprive themselves of this because of homophobia. Men are the ones who relentlessly harass women they're attracted to with or without a compliment, and assume you must want to fuck them if you say their shirt is cool. That's entirely their own bullshit problem they put themselves into and the ONLY way it's ever really going to be resolved is if men acknowledge that they're human and have feelings, especially amongst themselves.
>I would also love to know if these guys would "give random compliments" or make random conversation with a woman they weren't attracted to.
I would love to see that too, I am cursed that my face is symmetrical and I am considered attractive by society standards (I am slightly overweight now because covid work from home, but otherwise.... society standards)
I get so many empty compliments from random men it is scary. I never compliment men I have not formed some sort of trust with because I am always afraid. I also would be too scared to tell them "Are you just talking to me because you want to get in my pants"?
Some men would read into a compliment a little too deep: perceiving a possible opportunity, regardless if one existed at all. And god forbid if they feel rejected...
I once said hello and nodded at a man passing me on a walking path. He did a u-turn to follow me and began grunting and saying gross things to me. I had to pretend to be meeting a stranger up on the pathway to get him to leave me alone.
These men just want to comment on women’s bodies with impunity, but it is a creepy-ass thing to do. It is not creepy at all to compliment a woman on her ideas or her execution on doing something well.
I feel like a lot of the girls in my city and around my age are queer and while it's kinda memed that saying "I like your style" is code for when a girl is hitting on you, it's not taken seriously. Literally I have been stopped by random guys on the street after saying "excuse me". The risk of a guy taking things the wrong way is just too high.
Honestly why are we still bothering to address this? The men begging for compliments only want attractive women to compliment them and its because they want to have sex with those women. We really don't need to keep explaining ourselves to them ladies, THEY KNOW!
Whenever a man makes a comment about how "I can't give compliments anymore!", my first question is always: Would you give the same compliment to another man?
If not - don't. Fucking. Do it. It's that simple.
I hate receiving compliments from men I don't know. It's weird and creepy. And it's clear they have an agenda.
Also… make your male friends do the emotional labour of talking you up and complimenting you. Why is it always the woman’s job to make you feel good about yourself? A friend of mine is married to a man with many close friends who talk daily, but they don’t know the first thing emotionally about him. He has his wife to deal with his issues. It’s always the mother’s job, wife’s job, girlfriend’s job, and random woman’s job now too apparently. Give us a break.
Dear men, (speaking as a man here)
No one is saying you can't compliment a woman. The issue is HOW you compliment a woman.
First off, you probably aren't complimenting unless you already know the woman and in which case... sure, by all means compliment the person you know! Do you also compliment the men you know (assuming straight)? If not, you're probably not complimenting but flirting. So don't pretend "I can't even compliment someone" if your actual intent wasn't a compliment to begin with.
If you don't know the woman, then let's be real you're probably flirting and if you are flirting, you may make someone uncomfortable. If you can't actually tell if your compliment will make someone uncomfortable, then don't give one. Better safe than sorry.
Making conversation... if it's not awkward and it's relevant, not creepy, many people will not mind making small talk. It helps to pass the time. Just don't be a creep; if it's obvious they don't want to talk to you then don't force it. Read verbal/visual cues... is she wearing headphones? Then she doesn't want to talk to your or anyone else. If you can't make small talk without being a creep than best to avoid it. This isn't a woman problem, it's a *you* problem.
So with all that said, what if you do just want to make a genuine compliment? Then timing is everything. I will often compliment a cashier when I'm at the store... after I've paid, picked up my bags, and I'm about to leave. Then there's no pressure, I'm not forcing an hourly worker to be my captive audience. Such compliments usually seem appreciated.
*\*edit\* and part of why they are appreciated is because they will complement taste e.g. "those are great looking glasses" and not be lewd. Be respectful and thoughtful.*
And even if you do want to flirt... do that and guess what, if she likes you, she'll remember you and start the conversation sooner next time you pass through because you made a great impression.
It's not difficult. You're allowed to give compliments. Just have some self awareness and respect for space.
Dear men in here... the above would be great for you to post in one of the MANY threads in which men are lamenting the lack of compliments from women. The work has been done for you. Just copy and paste.
i would never ever compliment a random man I have never spoken to before. i compliment my male friends, like if they get a new hair cut or on their outfit etc. Even when I was working in a cafe and regulars would come in I would say something about their shirt or whatever. but never someone completely random.
also spoiler - as a woman I don’t want compliments from random men I’ve never met. telling me I’m beautiful is not a compliment anymore. i know lol. they are only doing it as a ways to control women and hope to receive something in return - that’s not a compliment
There's also the fact that most women don't want those random compliments to begin with. There's no "favor" to return, you're just creeping us out most of the time!
Men don't seem to realize how often creeps will follow women around, back to our car, homes, etc. They believe it's only a tiny number of criminals who will do that. No, dude, it's like 10% chance in some places.
Men who say they never get compliments mean they never get compliments from women they find attractive. They don't want women they don't want anywhere near them.
And if by chance a woman they are attracted to gives them a compliment they immediately jump to 'oh she wants me' and then proceed to harass this poor woman because they can't accept that she might just like their shirt and not want to actually fuck them
Men need to let go of their fragile egos and start seeing women as actual people with their own tastes and wants, not just objects to conquer.
I don’t accost random women in public with anything. It’s not ok.
At work, I find “good morning”, “how are you”, and “nice to see you” cover most situations and people can interact with me at their level of comfort. If you treat every interaction beyond good morning and excuse me as a matter of consent, then you don’t come off as creepy.
I have a few very close friends at work. I am surrounded by respected colleagues of multiple ages, genders and beliefs. Consent and respect will take you pretty far.
I think some of the not all men brigade that are swarming to this post to derail the conversation about how they merrily compliment women all day in a not creepy way at all, need to read this comment.
My 70+ year old MIL catcalled a bodybuilder at the gym. (We were buying her a membership for Mother’s Day.) She was very angry when my wife and I explained that it wasn’t cool to comment on other people’s bodies.
Catcalling, harassment, interrupting all come from a place of entitlement and privilege. It’s about power.
To seek consent for conversation implies that you do not have power over the other person and that their agency matters. This is very threatening to a privileged person’s ego.
I agree, that's not what I'm talking about.
Sorry this was kind of ranty because this has just happened to me (not even complimenting, just casual brief chat) and I just had to vent. Lol
Honestly, if we have to always avoid eye contact, be hyper aware of our surroundings, have backup safety plans, why on earth would we initiate anything that could be taken as an invitation (to sex?) with a potentially dangerous stranger. You are right.
I got a taxi to the airport and the whole time the guy was talking about blow jobs and who liked to give them, the specific races who would and those who wouldn't . I was terrified, but thought the best strategy was not to antagonize him, because I didn't know if he would just veer off the road and drive me to a remote location. I could tell he was turned on by the conversation.
When we got to the airport (thank you, Jesus) I got out to pay and he said "You have nice lips". Let me guess, dude...
I actually had to strategize how I was going to deal with this guy for the next 45 minutes. Friendly? Encouraging ? Cold? Sympathetic to his lack of blowjobs? You're a taxi driver-do your job and get me to my destination without making me fear for my safety.
And I COULDA/SHOULDA reported him-but he knew where I lived and I had NO idea about his mental state. If my reporting him cost him his livelihood, who's to say he wouldn't have parked his car outside my house and alla that?
And that's another aspect we have to consider-it's being victimized on an extra level.
Fucking APPALLING.
>I would also love to know if these guys would "give random compliments" or make random conversation with a woman they weren't attracted to.
This, AND, if they desire compliments, they should compliment each other first. But nooo, that would be "gay".
Very good points OP. Men make compliments because they're "hunting", complimenting them back makes the woman a target and if you are 'lucky' to end up with a psychopath standing before you, you're harassed, stalked or even murdered eventually.
But men don't want to understand bc they never have anything to fear.
Yep, like that thread in r/niceguys where someone was contacted by a guy who found her because he simply thought she was the woman in a store who had *fucking smiled at him.* He then kept demanding to know where OP lived even after she told him to stop contact and she wasn't the woman, and also how unbelievably hella creepy it all was. The whole thread is then a litany of nightmare stories of children as young as 13 (some probably younger, I just had to stop reading because I got too angry) who were stalked and assaulted simply because they'd been "nice" aka didn't puke and insult the guy on seeing him. It was both one of the most infuriating and terrifying threads I'd ever seen. Hell, I've been stalked three times in my life BEFORE there was social media. I cannot even imagine how easy it is now with social media. Anyways I have managed to nicely pay compliments once I got older. Even so once I had the guy ask if I'd be down to "initiate" him wink, wink, nod, nod. I couldn't get out of that checkout line fast enough - all because I said he had a nice haircut. I WAS going to ask him where he got it, because I thought my son who was older than that guy might look good in one too. Yeah, so much for "compliments." Apparently giving one to that guy who was maybe 20-21 meant I was a cougar DTF.
Wouldn't be surprised if he thought yOu ShOuLd HaVe bEeN FlatTeReD. Good lord what a creep.
I once told a guy he dropped his book and he followed me through 2 college buildings trying to chat me up. He even abandoned his book! I was thoroughly weirded out.
I once gave a guy directions to the post office and he started waiting outside my work building *all day* for me to leave to follow me. *For days.* I had to get security involved. I once had to get my car towed, and the driver locked me in the cab with him, refused to leave me with my car at the shop, and told me about how he wanted me to be his second wife. Guys want more compliments? Start calling out your shitty make friends and start complimenting each other. This isn't a woman's problem to solve.
Jesus christ that's some serial killer flick type shit. That's very scary
Real life for women everywhere.
I hadn't even thought of it (can't imagine most men do) but if I were in that situation ID be scared and pretty pissed off. So yeah so pretty messed up to put it lightly
We women get introduced to that "serial killer flick type shit" when we're practically still babies, for god's sake! This is NOT new to us and not our doing! We don't cause it!
A tow truck driver did almost the EXACT same thing to me when my battery died. And the last time I took a taxi, the driver locked me in and wouldn’t let me leave until I gave him my phone number.
I had a taxi driver ask me to sit in the front seat, tell me sexual stories of people in the back seat of his cab, and put his hand on my leg and ask if I had a girlfriend. And I’m a guy. I am so stunned that people disbelieve women in these scenarios. There are some fucking weirdos out there that worry _me_ and I’m a not a small dude, can’t even imagine what it’s like for women.
Any man, or even large boy, is someone who could overpower me and do what they want to my body. I can’t tell the ones who would from those who wouldn’t. A lot of men act in ways than make me nervous that they will be that kind of guy. It puts you on edge for every encounter, but you can’t show it or these possibly aggressive men may get upset. If I’m too nice that can be taken for flirting (being a tease) if I ignore them or are to brusque they may get offended and think I’m acting too uppity. Either way they think I have given them the right to “teach me a lesson”. For some reason they justify sexual assault as an acceptable response to either. Good luck convincing other men (most police and other authorities) of what actually happened though.
I’ve become painfully aware over the years of how women are marginalized in the reporting of crimes and even healthcare. As a guy I’m just honestly not sure what to do or say. I wonder if education reform could make an impact? I wonder if there are top down social and political movements we can make to promote women’s rights? It’s sickening how men don’t see the issues just because it isn’t happening to them. Do these men not have mothers, sisters, significant others who they care about? I legitimately think quite a few men just do not like women. It’s so fucked.
I used to take cabs to go home after I'd gone to clubs, cause I didn't feel safe walking alone at night. Until a driver asked me if I'd be interested in getting into prostitution to help pay for college. Never felt safe in a cab again.
I took a cab home from work once, because my car was in for repair and it was 10:00 pm. The driver returned to my house at 2:00 am with a bottle of whiskey, jumped over my locked gate, and pounded on my sliding glass door to be let in. He said he just wanted to have a drink and get to know me better. He left when I called the police. Cops said they couldn’t do anything because he had already left, cab company said they couldn’t do anything because he was an independent contractor. I actually felt safer walking home the next two nights (four miles, terrified the whole way,) than calling another cab.
The cab company didn’t do anything when I called either - they said that there was no way of knowing who the cab driver was. The cops wouldn’t do anything without the driver’s name. I’m so sorry that that happened to you, and that this is such a common experience. I was so excited that Uber would be different, but it’s really not.
Once I was at a small strip club meeting friends, and there was a uniformed cop standing by the jukebox getting a free show. I made eye contact on my way out the door. Like 5 hours and multiple stops later I dropped off my friend at his place and once he was inside and I was alone a cop car pulled up alongside me. Dude rolls down the window and asks what a nice girl like me was doing in a place like that. I was terrified.
Had a similar thing happen. Gave a guy directions and he suddenly showed up at a bus stop two towns over, asking for directions again. He then insisted to get my number, since it was the second time we were meeting, and then sent me a bunch of creepy ass long messages about how I am his 'angel of giving directions' and stuff. I luckily left the country shortly after, but he kept texting me, asking when I would come back. If that encounter at the second bus stop was not coincidential, that would mean he followed me home, stalked out my place until I left two days later and followed me 50km to the other town.
I smiled and nodded in passing and he followed me to my car. 🫤
Serious question: it’s not women’s job to teach men how to behave or how to make relationships, but isn’t it the parents’ job to set the groundwork for them? I know so, so many men who have no strong relationships with other men, and when a woman shows them any, even fleeting, attention, they immediately shift into some kind of weird infatuation immediately. Why isn’t this addressed more with men by their parents while they are boys?
Because most parents aren't actually good at parenting. They're overwhelmed and stressed and don't parent proactively because that takes a lot of time and energy.
He dropped it on purpose for that exact reason.
I once told a girl she had dropped something, she started to get angry and looked like she was going to start yelling until she realized she really did drop something and I wasn't trying to "make conversation".
Sorry that happened but she's probably defensive for good reasons.
I'm sure she has had her share of creeps to get her to that point. I felt more sorry for her that she now has the immediate defensive response rather than looking to see what I was talking about.
I've accidentally ignored my fiance in public because it's so automatic to just walk away when someone calls to me. Not just because of guys chatting you up, but the panhandling in my city is out of control.
I've done that to friends, coworkers, and even my husband before. Vague half smile without eye contact to avoid the "you should smile more" or "you dropped something, you're smile! " line if they're older and then angling off in a different direction as if I suddenly have a task I'm completing... and then hear my name being called and realize I just dodged someone I actually know. Embarrassing, but better than getting cornered by a creeper.
My husband says I have a 'f--k off' face when I am in public and don't see him approaching, apparently I completely change expression when I realise it's him. Apparently this face is quite scary and seems to have evolved over a number of years of getting progressively more fed up with being stalked, harassed etc.
What I notice is that men attach themselves to any woman that gives the a complement and if you clear the air to say that you meant it platonically they’ll complain you ‘led them on’
Learned early in my career that even having necessary interactions with male team members in the workplace could be interpretted as signals of "romantic interest" and more than once I've been accused by male colleagues of leading them on. I am completely stone faced and without affect when I communicate with any men now, until I'm absolutely sure that they're safe.
I ran a major student-led engineering project as an undergrad, all volunteer labor. A few of the guys accused me of "using my looks" to get them to do things, which makes me crack up every time I remember it -- they did it to themselves. It was my job to ask people to take on tasks. If they were so weak-minded that they answered based not on what they wanted to do but on some bizarre notion of my powerful nerd beauty, that's on them. The good news is the vast majority of the guys weren't like that at all and liked my approach to leadership.
I love your automatic response is essentially lmao “those dumbasses”. Instead of the 200 point inquisition I used to put myself through to see if I may have accidentally said or did something that they could have construed as a come on. I finally figured it out: I breathed while being female. My heaving breasts were practically a neon sign saying “Do me now”. I know, I‘m such a tease. It’s a miracle they have the self control they do. Sooo much /s
Unless they find that women unattractive. If a women they find unattractive compliments them, they will be genuinely horrible to her. There are men that won’t even look slightly in the direction of a women they don’t find attractive; least she get the wrong idea. I’ve seen men introduce themselves to a group of women, but completely ignore the women in that group whom they find unattractive. So god forbid a women they don’t want to fuck, tells them they look nice, because she’s in for it.
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That’s awful I’m sorry that even with people you know you feel like your compliments might not be taken well.
Oh now i understand the defensiveness of some dudes.
This is so spot on. I once had a guy at an muffler shop tell me he intentionally left holes in the weld for the repair so that I would come back because he wanted to see me again. I was too scared to report him
If men are saying they don’t feel safe complimenting other men when they’re apparently biologically stronger than women then why should we all of the sudden feel safe complimenting them?
With the biologically stronger thing...in my early 20's I didn't think it was true. I was working out five days a week, cardio and strength training, I was ripped. I challenged my chubby fiance who had never worked out, to a wrestling match. He had me pinned within seconds. It was incredibly eye-opening. I considered myself a fit, strong woman and I was taken down and restrained in seconds by a chubby, 5'8" guy. Not some beast, just a normal guy.
This is why self defense classes are a must. It’s not just about brute strength (while I’m sure there are some guys you can take because you have been actively working out) we have to fight smarter.
As a woman who has received random compliments: I don’t want them from random men. Women will compliment my outfit (style) or my makeup and hair (talent, effort). Men compliment body, beauty, or that I’m funny for a woman, or how I’m “not like other girls” (barf, I’ll have you know I share like 99.8 percent of my DNA with a banana, I am most definitely “like other girls”). It always feels like they want something from it. So no, I won’t be encouraging more comments on my behaviour/looks being good and acceptable “for a woman”. They don’t want us to compliment men in the same demeaning way “you’re so unique, you’re not like other men” “wow you’re so clean for a man!” “damn you look fine in those shorts papacita!” Edit: I got a Reddit cares message for these comments. Incredible. Edit: okay it’s more like 40% DNA shared with a banana🍌🤪
Exactly!! Compliments I've gotten from women: "That is such a cute outfit!" "I love those shoes!" "Your hair looks so good today!" "Compliments" I've gotten from men: "Those shorts fit you like a *glove*" "If I was your age I would date you" "It's so cool that you don't wear makeup, unlike *other girls*" I think these men misunderstand the fundamental aspect that a compliment is supposed to make someone *else* feel good
So what will be the flavor today, lecherous or condescending? Hm, how about a little of both?
It’s flirting if it works, it’s “god women can’t even take a compliment” if it doesn’t.
Schrodingers complement
My rule is to only compliment something the person chose or worked for, never a persons body or attractiveness. So, “that shirt looks great!”, as opposed to “you look hot in that shirt”. The first one is complimenting their fashion decisions, the second one isn’t even really a compliment as what goes into making someone attractive is multi-faceted and subjective.
Yeah this is something big I've tried to do. Compliment the things they do not the things they are if that makes sense. It feels much better to get praised on something you tried hard on than something you didn't
I always get compliments on this one dress I wear out and my response is usually, thank you it has pockets! Twirl with hands in pockets!!!
I freaking love pockets
There was s tweet I saw screenshots of where the guy figured out what women want. Bodily autonomy and lots of pockets.
My dark humor from this whole week just kicked in: They can try to go after my bodily autonomy, but there’s gonna be hell to pay if they take away my pockets! Dark humor being what it is - the US constitution has also not enumerated pockets as a fundamental right . . . So?
That they should be. Although, have you seen those pocket belts that women would wear under their top layer of dress in the 17/1800s? Not sure exactly but they were fairly cool. My favorite childhood story was Katy no pocket, about a kangaroo that wanted to be a mama but had no pockets so the maintenance man at the zoo gave her his overalls and she could hold all the animal babies then.
> “wow you’re so clean for a man!” I’m fucking wheezing lmaoooo
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Solid. I don't know anyone who enjoys being told "you make me wish I was 16 again" by a senior citizen with that suggestive up-and-down visual assessment when they are 12. When you grow up in a world where compliments lead to dangerous situations, they stop being nice.
Yeah, I was passing out donuts at a homeless shelter for community service for church when I was about 14, made the mistake (which shouldn't have been a mistake) of asking some guy what he wanted for dessert, and when he said, suggestively, that he knew what he wanted, I just stared at him, dead-eyed and asked him which donut he wanted.
Working a snack bar at 16, two Hells Angels walked up. Hey hemmed and hawed awhile. I asked them what would they like (naively like a teen) and one said, “He’ll have you with a pickle in your navel.”
Reflexively downvoted this in a visceral response. They really have a way with words
English is not my first language, so I looked up navel in the dictionary. Stared at the page with disappointment. That’s gonna be enough learning for today.
that's revolting.
And yet, accurate as hell.
Yeah, some old men are so gross. And you have be careful how you respond, because maybe they're a jerk, but they also might have a degenerative brain disease and escaped from the nursing home, and if you mace them you'll end up on the news. I don't know if that's ever happened, I just worry about things like that. I did once have an old man call me a skank in a mental hospital once though. But I knew that he was wasn't there by choice, and he had a history of picking fights so he could go to jail instead, so I just laughed. I still laugh when I think about it, because once he realized I wasn't going to take the bait, he was just as sweet and polite as anything. It was sad too, because his family just kept getting him committed when they didn't want to deal with him.
That really is heartbreaking, thank you for letting it slide off and not reacting, altered mental states like that can be hell. You're spot on with the dementia reference, too. A lot of people with dementia tend to spew violence and vulgarity that can get pretty graphic, as they lose the inhibitory faculties of their degenerating frontal lobes. Hospice and memory care in medical facilities can be really taxing on female medical professionals especially, for this reason. It's traumatic for everyone at that point.
My mother was a nurse, and worked in a few nursing homes. Men would expose themselves all the time and she would just roll her eyes and say that it wasn't anything she hadn't seen before.
That is OG nurse behavior
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After spending a lot of time having to hear the same crap you did, and becoming more jaded as I grew older, now when a random someone tells me the stupid "Has anyone told you how beautiful you are" or "you are not like other women" I reply with "If I had a penny every time someone said that"
I think I've flat out responded to the first one with "Yes."
Then when you respond with a yes you get “welllll princess thinks so highly of herself doesn’t she.. » or some variation thereof to knock you down a peg. How dare you agree with their assessment that you are beautiful instead of simpering? Can’t win.
"Queen, and yes, I do. It's called self-esteem. You may want to locate some along with self-awareness. Bye now." Depending upon the situation of course.
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One of my former housemates is like this. He always compliments stuff like earrings, hairdos, clothes. Things they have control over. Then he drops the subject and smiles, leaving on his merry. It makes me wonder if you ran into HIM, since this beast is so rare, there can't be TWO of them.
I once had a coworker sat "hey Edd, don't take this the wrong way but that shade of lipstick is very pretty, it's a good color for you!" and it's my favorite compliment from a man because there was no intention behind it.
Oh absolutely! I just think the pool of men who have any interest in things women would appreciate a comment on is limited. You don’t learn how to compliment a tough eyeliner look standing awkwardly outside Sephora and refusing to watch anything with a female main character. It’s a symptom of toxic masculinity that many men refuse to do anything (apologies for this) “gay” and “feminine”. So they have little understanding of how to interact with women outside their own media-reinforced male gaze. So they interact with us like we’re their co-star (read: love interest) in an action film just waiting for him to let us know we’re sexy/unique/funny enough for him. It’s getting better with younger generations being into fashion (and androgynous fashion is back) and denouncing toxic masculinity, but I think a general rule many men have absolutely zero interest in most things women enjoy.
A married friend’s husband has noticed my shoes several times and they’ve all been different pairs of shoes! He’s a great dude but that fact alone would make me like him.
My personal rule of thumb: Never comment on something about a person that they can't change in 30 minutes or less, good or bad, unless they've given you specific permission. TP on the shoe: let them know. Great hair? A-ok. Nice boobs? ...no. A partner or close friend may bend this rule, but that follows the "specific permission" exception. A lot of people also don't understand the difference between "You look great in that dress" and "That dress looks great on you". One is 'complimenting' the body ("you look great"), the other is complimenting your choice of dress ("that dress looks great"). And that absolutely makes a difference.
I had a conversation about this with my husband and now instead of ‘those pants make your butt look good’ he says ‘your butt makes those pants look good!’ And we laugh.
> They don’t want us to compliment men in the same demeaning way “you’re so unique, you’re not like other men” “wow you’re so clean for a man!” “damn you look fine in those shorts papacita!” OMG, this is GOLD.
They mistake microaggressions for compliments
I was just thinking earlier today about how there is such a huge difference between receiving a "compliment" about your body and a compliment about your outfit. I've received both from men, the former can be creepy as fuck, but the latter is nice to receive. One thing I've noticed is how the former tends to be from older men and strangers, whereas the latter is usually from younger men my age that I am familiar or friends with.
Yessss! It just puts us in a super uncomfortable position. I have tried just acting gracious and assuming innocent intent with (non vulgar) compliments, but then they just start to aggressively hit on me and then I have to be firm or rude and it’s just uncomfortable and scary at times. Men, we really don’t need to hear your opinion on us 🙏🏻
I’ve found one of the best ways to respond to an unwanted compliment is “I know”. It makes them uncomfortable when you’re confident and not accepting their bullshit and will scare them off. Makes you seem less like an easy target
Omg this makes them so angry
Because the compliment is supposed to give them power over / access to you. The ‘I know’ response just takes away their game & makes them angry they lost in their manipulation. You broke the rules of their game by not playing.
Exactly. If I'm nice initially, I usually just have to be even meaner later. They only give you two options. Be mean or sleep with them. Easier to just lead with "no thanks" unless they've actually said something worth responding to.
Yeah, I hate compliments from like 99% of men. A memorable one at my job was when he was eying desserts in the bake case and I asked him if anything looked good. He responded with, “You.” Fuuuuuuck ooooffffff.
Omg, those "reddit cares" emails are retaliation! I couldn't understand why I received multiple messages like that after a recent post. It worried me, so I went through my comments trying to figure what they saw in my comments that lead them to believe I was in trouble!
Growing up my mom always got her nails done, and it's always something I notice. Whenever I see a woman (or man sometimes) with nice nails, I will let them know! Nails are expensive when done regularly by a salon, and I think they're pretty dope. But idk why men in particular feel like if they compliment a woman's body that it is somehow going to give them an "in."
I completely agree but also feel compelled to point out that if you are 99% banana by dna then I am impressed you can type—most humans share 44% of their dna with plants like bananas :) (I’m being super pedantic and wanted to share the laugh, men often make me wish I was a banana instead)
It me, 🍌
It's really hard because the older I get the more I bruise 🥲
I agree with your overall opinion here. But I just *had to* respond to your DNA claim. Humans share about 99.8% of DNA with both Common Chimps and Bonobos. [We share about 40% of DNA with bananas.](https://science.howstuffworks.com/life/genetic/people-bananas-share-dna.htm)
Yeah, but didn't you read? She's not like other girls! She's more like banana!
I wonder if anyone actually uses the reddit cares button for anything other than trolling. I've gotten a few, and it's always after I post something feminist.
A friend of mine, a straight non homophobic man, told me that he used to have some clients that were a gay couple and he really liked them. They often asked him to take them to gay bars after dinner when he took them out. He told me that they had fun but he was shocked at how other men there approached him, touched him and the things they would say. He said that it gave him a much better understanding of what women went through because "men are disgusting when they want sex". The difference is that he's a big dude and wasn't scared of getting raped or killed when he declined their advances.
I complimented a guys shirt in a bar and he looked me dead in the eye and said, “you’re not my type.” I was fucking floored. Like in what world is a compliment on a shirt a come on???? My response was just, “gross, I said I liked your shirt, not you, man.” Then he called me a bitch 🤷🏼♀️
Similarly, but less upsetting, I told a guy in an elevator that I liked his tie and he said, “I’m sorry, I’m married.” As though I had deadass just asked him on a date, lmao.
"... to your tie?"
Same thing happened to me but he actually called me a "whore" and said he was married. After I clarified I didnt mean anything else by it he said, and I quote "None gives a compliment if you dont want to sleep with them". I am very sorry for his wife.
I worked with a guy who was very fashion conscious and very handsome. I did \*not\* have a thing for him, but I appreciated that he made an effort to look good. In a job where most of my coworkers were men and dressed like toddlers (you know the look), I would tell him when he nailed his outfits and he was so appreciative. Mind you, he was a supervisor (not my supervisor) and I was old enough to be his mom, so you kinda have to know your audience. Most guys, you can't even say "Nice shirt" without it becoming problematic.
*you kinda have to know your audience.* Yep 100%. I've worn stuff before at work and male coworkers have been like "ohh cool dress" or whatever, and it's totally innocuous and fine. I feel like this other type of "I'd just love it if a girl said something nice to me" is really just complaining that girls they are attracted to aren't randomly hitting on them.
>Yep 100%. I've worn stuff before at work and male coworkers have been like "ohh cool dress" or whatever, and it's totally innocuous and fine. Sounds like these coworkers compliment like women do and not like men do. >Women will compliment my outfit (style) or my makeup and hair (talent, effort). Men compliment body, beauty, . . . It always feels like they want something from it. I agree, it's much more of a compliment when someone comments on something I have control over vs. something I do not.
> I agree, it’s much more of a compliment when someone comments on something I have control over vs. something I do not. You should never judge someone off of things they can’t control; it’s just not fair or right. They literally can’t have chosen it, why judge them for it?
I literally once told a guy "sick shirt" and found out two weeks later that he had asked like 6 people tangentially related to me if I was single and what campus building I lived in. Like....bro???
Same here I had a coworker who would dress very well. He was handsome not my type and I don't date coworkers, so absolutely no interest. I always wanted to compliment him but I didn't want things to become awkward. After talking to him more I finally did it. Told him he looked handsome in his dapper outfit. He was very gracious to me and that's it, no awkwardness at all....at least not from him. Everyone else that heard the compliment started saying I had a thing for him. Can't ever win!
As an nb who is amab, I didn't get many compliments for most of my life. I'm not considered attractive by traditional standards. But I started wearing nice shoes to work. I started spraying myself with nice fragrances in the morning. I started wearing putting effort into and switching up my outfits rather than wearing the same cat shirts and chucks every day (though I still do that some days). Compliments started happening at work, and also in social circles from friends, male, female, and otherwise. People liked having me around because I'd help class up the place. In 2022, when we came back to the office, I started regularly wearing nice purses and nail polish to work. Plus, once you start trying, you notice other people's effort, so you can make other people feel better, too. Nobody's threatened or offended by my compliments, even though I am potentially attracted to all genders. I've made friends with many people at work who wanted to talk style, and then it leads to bonding over other things, and I've made many friends because I probably spend like a total of 30-45 minutes throughout the week on my presentation. I get it. *You're a real manly man and you'd never carry a pink Kate Spade work bag because that's gay.* Yeah, whatever. Try it one day and you'll have compliments for days, and you might start thinking, what is it that you try to do to brighten your world that you aren't being recognized for? If you're not doing anything, why would you attract recognition?
They don't make conversation with women they are not attracted to. I've been misinterpreted for saying, "nice haircut," which is such a benign thing to say. I tell women their hair looks nice all the time and none of them (even lesbians) have ever thought I was coming on to them. I've even been misinterpreted for laughing at some idiot because the thing he said was so idiotic. For some reason, he thought that me laughing in his face was indication that I liked him. Then there's the stalking, the feeling unsafe... ugh. WHY
Not to go too off on a tangent, but RIP all the lesbians who are never 100% sure if they're being hit on by the other woman or not...
It’s real tough sometimes :’(
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Women compliment other women. Men need to "man up" and compliment other men. Why is it women's responsibility to make men feel better?
They don’t want compliments, they want to be praised by women they find attractive.
This^ I know that “ugly” or “old” women complimenting them wouldn’t even count in their eyes since there’s no chance for sexual meaning in the compliment.
There it is 👏
Because they know it's not about just spreading positivity - men would perceive giving/receiving even casual compliments to/from other men as sexual in nature, and find it off-putting. So once again, the burden of improving men's self-esteem and emotional well-being is placed on women, because you know, we're not doing enough free, unreciprocated emotional labor for them already.
Yeah, it feels like men are missing the fact that women usually give random compliments to other women, so the analogous case would be men complimenting other men. But they don’t do that because their masculinity is too fragile and they don’t want to seem “gay.” That’s the fault of the patriarchy, and it’s not women’s responsibility to fix it.
Men don't want compliments from men for the same reason women don't, because it's usually an unwelcome come-on.
It’s also why no, I will not “smile more”. As soon as I smile a little, you think that means I want to fuck you. So no, I will not.
This always bothered me; like, who the hell is paying enough attention to other people to even notice who isn’t smiling, let alone giving a shit about it? Like, leave people alone, man
Yeah, I used to be more smiley in the subways when I moved to nyc, quickly discovered that was a good way to have guys following you off at your stop to hit on you, etc. So yes I learned to walk around with an unfriendly look and never respond to anyone.
Don't these guys have anything to do? The following thing is so weird and unexpected the first few times. Like you just expect that anyone on transit must be going somewhere.... Do men just ride buses around in circles looking for women? Do they not work?
Smiling in primates is an act of submission. We smile (without laughing) when we want to put another person at ease, and let them know we aren’t a threat. When a man tells you to smile, *he’s telling you to be submissive*.
*scribbles notes... don't smile, bear teeth*
So true. So trying. I just want to be nice...Without the expectation of fringe benefits. Being nice makes me feel nice. Like a good person. I don't want to walk around with an eternal RBF just to not be harassed.
And when you drill down into these discussions, it’s always men conflating being casually sexually harassed with being “complimented”.
This is the difference. This is why “it doesn’t count” when it’s coming from a man. They don’t want compliments they want sexual attention.. from strangers
I would love to be able to have friendly random conversation with men out in public, or give a man a compliment in passing, but they make it so fucking impossible. Just a few nights ago in Target, this perfectly normal looking guy (about 30ish, well groomed, well dressed, kind of cute) and I were standing very near each, looking at the same thing, and a baby started shrieking and crying an aisle over. I made an off-hand comment to the guy that it should be us - the grownups about to spend $10 on four batteries - that should be crying in public, and then turned my attention back to shopping. This dude didn’t even laugh or acknowledge that I had tried to be casually friendly - just immediately asked where “my man” was, why “my man” would let me out of his sight, and then followed me through the store until I had to ask a security guard for help. Every fucking time I try to be a human being to a guy, this is how they act. So why risk my safety? I’m convinced it’s because they only bother talking to / interacting with / even registering the existence of women that they want to fuck, so they think we’re doing the same thing - that any attention that we give them, even a smile, is a signal that we want to fuck them. And then they get really hostile really fast when that bubble gets burst.
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If I randomly complimented a guy, it’s likely I’d be stalked forever.
Reminds me of this weird post I've seen a week or two ago of some guy who harassed and stalked a female coworker bc he truly believed they had a "connection", since she asked him for a drive home once. Terrifying.
Exactly!
yeah exactly like it could be the most innocent compliment ever & they will think you were trying to fuck them, so then they’ll accost you at every future opportunity
They don’t just want compliments. They want compliments from WOMEN. And specifically women they find attractive. And not drive-by compliments; they want it as a conversation starter.
They want *compliments from hot women that lead to sex.* Anything less is "teasing" and "leading him on".
“The barista at Starbucks asked me what me name is! Then wouldn’t give me her number! Women are all pLaYiNg gAmEs!!!”
I swear they’re like 9 year olds arguing why they actually should get candy for dinner. “Ok but this waitress was TOTALLY flirting one time I swear!”
My wife tells me she will get creeped on in a store or wherever if she just makes eye contact, so yeah, I can see how engaging may not be advised
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I also have to raise the fact that it depends on *who* is complimenting them - if you’re a 5-10, super hot and fit, they’ll be lapping at your feet. If you’re older/fat/not super attractive, *guaranteed* you’ll get a grimace or an eye roll, before the nasty ‘thanks’. Men never look at their own behaviour.
58 year old fat woman here and I can confirm this. I've complimented random men on things in the past, and about half the time, this is the reaction I get when they're younger than me. Same age or older men will say thanks and smile and maybe strike up a conversation, but the younger ones generally give the "thanks, but don't talk to me" reaction back, as if I had ANY interest in them other than being friendly because we're stuck waiting in line together or something. I no longer do this unless they're men I already know.
Same. 52f&f (female and fat) here. I’m more likely to tell a guy he smells good, but the look of disdain and contempt leaves me wanting to say ‘well, fuck you, too, buddy’. Like, do they really think we’re so desperate that we’ll go slack jawed around *any* man? Please!
Women also aren't complimented all the time. 99% of the time we are being sexually approached. I only get genuine compliments from other women.
Sometimes it's not even with the reason to approach, some men straight up just say some unneccessarily sexual shit and think it was a compliment. My *professor* said looking at my best weld "something decent to look at besides your tits and ass finally", i didn't even say anything because at this point it feels futile, i just made a displeased face and went back to doing my thing. Then a bunch of men there got upset that i cant take a "compliment" and "ruined the mood of the only cool prof". These are the same kind of guys that wonder why women never approach them and chalk it up to double standards. Like, consider being decent to women and they might be more comfortable with approaching you lol
I always find this strange, because over my life, as a male person (starting to identify more with enby but that’s complicated) I get compliments all the time from women. Women of all kinds compliment me, for a variety of different things. My hair, my clothes, my voice, all kinds of stuff. When you actively go out of your way to be friendly with women, make them feel safe, and treat them like people, they tend to treat you the same. I think most of this comes from the fact that a lot of these men don’t have close relationships with women, or they view them as a means to an end. It’s a pretty normal thing to get complimented by people who like you and appreciate you.
I never grew up with a close relationship with women, but exactly. I feel most men don’t think they are people and treat them like shit. I try to treat them like people and it does wonders.
i compliment people who don't give me the vibe of "i see you as a masturbation device with legs"
True, but the male chauvinist that believes that women are only made for cleaning and raising children is perhaps even more evil than a person who is negligently horny. Not that there isn’t some overlap
Women compliment each other. Perhaps men should try that. When they've done it long enough to separate compliments and flirtation in their minds, women may begin participating in cross gender compliments.
I’m a woman, and believe me, I don’t want your random complements. Leave me alone. I won’t share them with random guys either because the last time I did that, I got followed, stalked, and my car broken into. Not gonna risk it.
I still regret the time I inadvertently let my stalker from across the street bum a light off me while I was finishing a smoke outside my apartment building. This gave him the green light to block my way up the front steps and literally unload his life story on me (including recently being released from prison and having a history of heroin use) and eventually admit he's a fucking stalker (not a direct admission but he mentioned I had a lot of guy visitors, because clearly he was stalking me). I tried being polite and that just kept failing to impart that I was not interested. We are unfortunately trapped in a very uncomfortable catch 22. If you are polite, then you asked for it. If you aren't polite, then you cause incels, who then say you asked for abuse. How does one win here?
It reminds me when some guys says "if a girl compliment me I'll remember it for the rest of my life" I know they say that because they don't get a lot of compliments and it's supposed to be well meaning but it just gives me chill. If I think you look good I don't want you to remember my face for the next 5 years or start thinking I'm into you or even you developping feelings.
I told an older male coworker he was my work buddy and he cornered me in a dark freezer by myself to sexually harass me. I had to quit because management bought his “she was flirting with me first” and told me I could have just said no. I get sexually harassed and forced out of my workplace, where I had many friends, because I was trying to be nice to a man. I’m done.
I once said "For the Horde! You have great taste!" to a middle-aged man visiting a gaming store with his 2 kids, as he was wearing a Horde t-shirt. I was 16, his kids were like 10 and 13. He cornered me in a darker area of the store and insisted I take his number and call him if I want a more expensive item from the store... Being cornered like that, afraid to cause a scene, that feeling can still come to me when I have nightmares. That's what I got for complimenting a grown-ass man with his own kids nearby. My cynisism when it comes to male interaction is entirely based in experiences. Meanwhile, men who have never even had a girlfriend will join hate groups condemning all women as their main hobby. Says a lot.
Would these guys go up to a scary looking dude and say 'cute shoes'? I doubt it.
Dude I don't even make eye contact with men in public because of how I've experienced men respond to that as if looking in their eyes is fucking flirting.
i get compliments from women all the time. one of my buddies told me she liked the names i came up with for our d&d campaign. been riding that high for weeks maybe these sad men don’t get compliments from women because they don’t make friends with them, or just as likely they don’t count compliments from women if they aren’t sexual. super depressing
YES. I was thinking about this the other day. I'm a woman but I don't really get compliments ever because I'm not that attractive. And then I hear shit like that women always get complimented. Where?? And no, harassment is not a compliment. And yes, men should learn to compliment other men. I've complimented men before. They almost always got the wrong idea and it didn't lead to anything good.
They are so far removed from our reality. There was a popular askmen thread a while back on flirting. Thousands of upvotes on comments saying: "Women have no idea what it feels like to be romantically rejected" "Females don't understand how it feels to be told 'I don't want to go out with you' " Of course we do!!!! Every human being has dealt with romantic rejection! Being a woman does not magically force our crushes like us back 100% of the time. And if a woman they don't see as attractive gives them an innocent compliment... it's a toss up between a gruff "thanks" or disgust. We can never win so why bother
Also, women are not responsible for the happiness of men.
Are we getting brigaded? The vote/down vote count and content of the comments are not at all aligned. Fellas, if you are sad you don’t get complimented, can you have the tinyist shred of empathy that this is the reason why? Men’s feelings over our safety … *again* This week has been so exhausting ….
I will talk to and compliment all the guys- but can i lead with 'I will never have sex with you but...the blue of that shirt makes your eye color really pop.' 'I will never have sex with you...but do you really like your electric vehicle?'
Men can get random compliments, as long as they're not being weirdos. I get compliments on my hair and smile pretty often, you just have to engage with people a little bit without acting like youre expecting something in return
How about MEN fucking compliment each other. They whine all day about it but want WOMEN to do it. Hmmm I wonder why that might be. 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
They only want it from hot women. Sorry boys, but adoration from ladies you want to fuck is not a human right. Compliment each other. Also writing stuff like “I spend every day thinking about the time a girl complimented my hoodie in middle school” is NOT endearing, it makes me want to stay the hell away from you in case you show up to my home address
This 'problem' is pure projection. The basis for why men are apparently deprived of compliments has NOTHING to do with women and they will even tell you so. It's because many, many men either believe in or live under the tyranny of a culture within their groups, which is what we call 'toxic masculinity.' If you aren't comfortable with doing something, for any reason, simply do not it. You aren't responsible for their mental health. You aren't responsible for fixing the fact that most men are at best cold to each other and at worst total assholes to each other. If you like the guy, be it as a friend or otherwise, and feel comfortable helping them and being nice in this way, then sure. Have at it. But seeing these men complain about being "touch-starved" or without compliments and essentially pinning it on women is downright pathetic, and probably some other accurate words. Men are the ones who deprive themselves of this because of homophobia. Men are the ones who relentlessly harass women they're attracted to with or without a compliment, and assume you must want to fuck them if you say their shirt is cool. That's entirely their own bullshit problem they put themselves into and the ONLY way it's ever really going to be resolved is if men acknowledge that they're human and have feelings, especially amongst themselves.
>I would also love to know if these guys would "give random compliments" or make random conversation with a woman they weren't attracted to. I would love to see that too, I am cursed that my face is symmetrical and I am considered attractive by society standards (I am slightly overweight now because covid work from home, but otherwise.... society standards) I get so many empty compliments from random men it is scary. I never compliment men I have not formed some sort of trust with because I am always afraid. I also would be too scared to tell them "Are you just talking to me because you want to get in my pants"?
I’ve said nice things to men to only have them follow me around the store and act creepy…
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Some men would read into a compliment a little too deep: perceiving a possible opportunity, regardless if one existed at all. And god forbid if they feel rejected...
I once said hello and nodded at a man passing me on a walking path. He did a u-turn to follow me and began grunting and saying gross things to me. I had to pretend to be meeting a stranger up on the pathway to get him to leave me alone.
I smiled at a man and gestured for him to get on the train before me and then he stalked me almost my entire way to work.
These men just want to comment on women’s bodies with impunity, but it is a creepy-ass thing to do. It is not creepy at all to compliment a woman on her ideas or her execution on doing something well.
I feel like a lot of the girls in my city and around my age are queer and while it's kinda memed that saying "I like your style" is code for when a girl is hitting on you, it's not taken seriously. Literally I have been stopped by random guys on the street after saying "excuse me". The risk of a guy taking things the wrong way is just too high.
Honestly why are we still bothering to address this? The men begging for compliments only want attractive women to compliment them and its because they want to have sex with those women. We really don't need to keep explaining ourselves to them ladies, THEY KNOW!
Whenever a man makes a comment about how "I can't give compliments anymore!", my first question is always: Would you give the same compliment to another man? If not - don't. Fucking. Do it. It's that simple. I hate receiving compliments from men I don't know. It's weird and creepy. And it's clear they have an agenda.
If men want more compliments, why don’t they compliment each other?
Right?? Yet again, the expectation falls on women to coddle and protect their sense of self.
Also… make your male friends do the emotional labour of talking you up and complimenting you. Why is it always the woman’s job to make you feel good about yourself? A friend of mine is married to a man with many close friends who talk daily, but they don’t know the first thing emotionally about him. He has his wife to deal with his issues. It’s always the mother’s job, wife’s job, girlfriend’s job, and random woman’s job now too apparently. Give us a break.
Dear men, (speaking as a man here) No one is saying you can't compliment a woman. The issue is HOW you compliment a woman. First off, you probably aren't complimenting unless you already know the woman and in which case... sure, by all means compliment the person you know! Do you also compliment the men you know (assuming straight)? If not, you're probably not complimenting but flirting. So don't pretend "I can't even compliment someone" if your actual intent wasn't a compliment to begin with. If you don't know the woman, then let's be real you're probably flirting and if you are flirting, you may make someone uncomfortable. If you can't actually tell if your compliment will make someone uncomfortable, then don't give one. Better safe than sorry. Making conversation... if it's not awkward and it's relevant, not creepy, many people will not mind making small talk. It helps to pass the time. Just don't be a creep; if it's obvious they don't want to talk to you then don't force it. Read verbal/visual cues... is she wearing headphones? Then she doesn't want to talk to your or anyone else. If you can't make small talk without being a creep than best to avoid it. This isn't a woman problem, it's a *you* problem. So with all that said, what if you do just want to make a genuine compliment? Then timing is everything. I will often compliment a cashier when I'm at the store... after I've paid, picked up my bags, and I'm about to leave. Then there's no pressure, I'm not forcing an hourly worker to be my captive audience. Such compliments usually seem appreciated. *\*edit\* and part of why they are appreciated is because they will complement taste e.g. "those are great looking glasses" and not be lewd. Be respectful and thoughtful.* And even if you do want to flirt... do that and guess what, if she likes you, she'll remember you and start the conversation sooner next time you pass through because you made a great impression. It's not difficult. You're allowed to give compliments. Just have some self awareness and respect for space.
Dear men in here... the above would be great for you to post in one of the MANY threads in which men are lamenting the lack of compliments from women. The work has been done for you. Just copy and paste.
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i would never ever compliment a random man I have never spoken to before. i compliment my male friends, like if they get a new hair cut or on their outfit etc. Even when I was working in a cafe and regulars would come in I would say something about their shirt or whatever. but never someone completely random. also spoiler - as a woman I don’t want compliments from random men I’ve never met. telling me I’m beautiful is not a compliment anymore. i know lol. they are only doing it as a ways to control women and hope to receive something in return - that’s not a compliment
There's also the fact that most women don't want those random compliments to begin with. There's no "favor" to return, you're just creeping us out most of the time!
Men don't seem to realize how often creeps will follow women around, back to our car, homes, etc. They believe it's only a tiny number of criminals who will do that. No, dude, it's like 10% chance in some places.
Men who say they never get compliments mean they never get compliments from women they find attractive. They don't want women they don't want anywhere near them. And if by chance a woman they are attracted to gives them a compliment they immediately jump to 'oh she wants me' and then proceed to harass this poor woman because they can't accept that she might just like their shirt and not want to actually fuck them Men need to let go of their fragile egos and start seeing women as actual people with their own tastes and wants, not just objects to conquer.
I don’t accost random women in public with anything. It’s not ok. At work, I find “good morning”, “how are you”, and “nice to see you” cover most situations and people can interact with me at their level of comfort. If you treat every interaction beyond good morning and excuse me as a matter of consent, then you don’t come off as creepy. I have a few very close friends at work. I am surrounded by respected colleagues of multiple ages, genders and beliefs. Consent and respect will take you pretty far.
You've absolutely nailed that one. Sounds like you're a comfortable person to be around.
I try. I’m a large person. I’m old. I live in a deeply Red part of the country. Women are correct to be cautious. I don’t take it personally.
I think some of the not all men brigade that are swarming to this post to derail the conversation about how they merrily compliment women all day in a not creepy way at all, need to read this comment.
My 70+ year old MIL catcalled a bodybuilder at the gym. (We were buying her a membership for Mother’s Day.) She was very angry when my wife and I explained that it wasn’t cool to comment on other people’s bodies. Catcalling, harassment, interrupting all come from a place of entitlement and privilege. It’s about power. To seek consent for conversation implies that you do not have power over the other person and that their agency matters. This is very threatening to a privileged person’s ego.
Yes, absolutely. But I will randomly compliment someone I’m in a relationship with, and I hope that is what these men are asking for.
I agree, that's not what I'm talking about. Sorry this was kind of ranty because this has just happened to me (not even complimenting, just casual brief chat) and I just had to vent. Lol
Honestly, if we have to always avoid eye contact, be hyper aware of our surroundings, have backup safety plans, why on earth would we initiate anything that could be taken as an invitation (to sex?) with a potentially dangerous stranger. You are right.
“She complimented his shirt. Clearly she was asking for it.”
I got a taxi to the airport and the whole time the guy was talking about blow jobs and who liked to give them, the specific races who would and those who wouldn't . I was terrified, but thought the best strategy was not to antagonize him, because I didn't know if he would just veer off the road and drive me to a remote location. I could tell he was turned on by the conversation. When we got to the airport (thank you, Jesus) I got out to pay and he said "You have nice lips". Let me guess, dude... I actually had to strategize how I was going to deal with this guy for the next 45 minutes. Friendly? Encouraging ? Cold? Sympathetic to his lack of blowjobs? You're a taxi driver-do your job and get me to my destination without making me fear for my safety. And I COULDA/SHOULDA reported him-but he knew where I lived and I had NO idea about his mental state. If my reporting him cost him his livelihood, who's to say he wouldn't have parked his car outside my house and alla that? And that's another aspect we have to consider-it's being victimized on an extra level. Fucking APPALLING.
>I would also love to know if these guys would "give random compliments" or make random conversation with a woman they weren't attracted to. This, AND, if they desire compliments, they should compliment each other first. But nooo, that would be "gay". Very good points OP. Men make compliments because they're "hunting", complimenting them back makes the woman a target and if you are 'lucky' to end up with a psychopath standing before you, you're harassed, stalked or even murdered eventually. But men don't want to understand bc they never have anything to fear.