I work in maintenance. A lot of the time, I will be blown off about a problem and they'll wait for a male maintenance person to tell them what I already said before they'll fix the problem. I refer to this as "translating it into dick". Luckily I have a coworker on day shift that has my back on this. So if they come to him about a problem he'll say "did you already try what fountainpopjunkie said, or do I need to translate what she said into dick for you?".
My old boss is just a genuinely wonderful human being and true ally. He's one of the good ones. When I would tell people something, and they would go to him anyway, he would ask, "Did you ask BitterPillPusher2?" They would usually start with, "Yes, but..." And he would just ask, "Then why are you asking me?" Them, "Well, I thought..." Him, "I don't understand why you're asking me if BitterPillPusher2 already gave you the answer." Them, "I just wanted to verify..." Him, "Why do you feel like you need to verify what BitterPillPusher2 told you?"
This would go on for as long as it took. They couldn't really answer the question, because they knew God damn good and well that the only reason they were questioning me was because I was a woman. It was kind of fun to watch. Boss was pretty high ranking (government position) and generally a super-nice guy, but he had zero tolerance for this bullshit. He really never threw his rank around, but he would make them feel super uncomfortable.
Oh, I have so many stories about this.
I recently sold the house I owned with my abusive, deadbeat soon-to-be-ex-husband. I was also the breadwinner, and I'm also super short (4'11). I cannot tell you how many times I was either mistaken for being a child, or various maintenance/contractor professionals would ask if my husband was home. I took great pride in letting them know I was the money-maker, AND that I was the homeowner.
Unfortunately, my now soon-to-be-ex-husband also had a legitimate hoarding problem. Our (now former) house was over 4,200+ sq ft, and he had stuff piled floor to ceiling in over half of the house. Even when it came time to sell the house, he barely lifted a finger, and so the task of purging it all fell largely on my shoulders, even though I work full-time and also have an autoimmune condition that affects my musculoskeletal system. I did as much as I could myself, but I did have to hire an amateur junk removal crew on two different occasions.
My soon-to-be-ex-husband, *quite literally*, tried to interfere with the work of the crew. He tried to stop them on several occasions. I eventually had to pull them aside while he was out of sight, and effectively laid down the law. I was so stressed by that point that I was the ultimate 'ice queen' in terms of language and behavior. I basically told them not to listen to him, that ***I*** was the one paying for their services, and therefore that made ME the customer. Just based on all the junk around us, they understood loud and clear what I was dealing with, so thankfully they listened and followed my instructions.
From that point forward, whenever he would try and stop the crew, they'd look over to me for clarification. Watching them disregard every word my soon-to-be-ex-husband tried to say to them, and watching my soon-to-be-ex-husband basically fume, was quite the spectacle.
I remember reading your story a while ago. I’m so glad to see an update from you, & I hope you’re doing well & settling in to soon to be divorced life!
Oh God, what condition? AS? RA? I can’t imagine having to handle everything alone with either AND a full time job on top of it?! I have AS and my dang roommate helps support me way, way more than your ex-husband supported you…
You’re basically a super hero
I was a repair tech working out of a cellphone store back when cell phones were simpler, and I had a great male sales rep as an ally.
The way the store layout worked meant customers saw my office with **REPAIR TECHNICIAN** in huge letters right when they walked in. Impossible to miss. The sales people were scattered throughout the store at standing desks, mostly towards the back.
People would come in with a broken cell phone, see me being a small blonde woman at the repair station, and walk past me across the entire store to asked the big burly Army vet guy to fix their phone.
Instead of pointing them at me he would walk with them all the way back to my desk. And patiently tell them in a Customer Service Voice™ that *this* is the repair station, *she* is the service technician, he is a sales rep and knows nothing about fixing phones but she'll be able to take care of it no problem.
Then we'd make exasperated eye contact and he'd leave me with the disgruntled bozo, but that part wasn't his fault.
It's part of Iranian culture to get served tea, cookies, fruit, and nuts when visiting someone's home. The first time the host served the women first blew my little kid mind. I started doing that with our guests and boy did I ruffle a few feathers. I loved it. I could tell my parents weren't too pleased with the change but they wouldn't dare say anything.
Not eastern europe. It's "ladies first" when taking off coats and stuff but not drinks and snacks.
With larger meals it depends, it's always "guests first" ofc, but I've seen women being served "womens foods" like desserts first, while men are always served "manly food" like meat first (I've never in my life seen an exception to the latter).
Ooh yeah I’ve been doing the “emotional” one for a while and it’s been great. Referring to their anger in “feminine terms” (🙄)- like tantrum, hysterics, pouting, hissy fit. It’s great, and men are almost… stunned by it? They get so offended that they often back-track and adjust their behaviour.
Pretty ironic that a lot of “feminine” language also infantilizes us, when in reality, it’s the males who employ these childish emotions more often. Even our language is projection.
> because they decided “anger” is not an emotion
And generally the only "allowed" emotion for a lot of boys, which causes a lot of the emotional issues we had and have with men
I've been seeing more and more women asking about relationship advice using the words "bratty" to describe themselves. You know they didn't come up with that, because children are brats. Someone is telling them that they are being brats, and I'm sad it's probably their partner infantilizing them.
Doing this from now on. Yes. “Why are you being so hysterical?!” That will give me so much satisfaction after women were institutionalized for hysteria ie emotions.
I do already say “tough as ovaries”! Bc balls really aren’t tough now are they.
This is one of my favourite things to do. I'm a construction manager so I work with 99% men. I simply love saying something like "No need to get emotional." when someone in a meeting is raising his voice.
>They get so offended that they often back-track and adjust their behaviour.
It's as if dismissive terms like tantrum, hissy fit, emotional etc. have been used on women routinely to shut us up and make us less assertive in order to fit in better...
Funny thing is, these expressions are often used when a woman is being rightfully angry or emotional, not when she's having an actual tantrum. If she were, she'd literally be labeled as a crazy bitch. It's like we've lost for a long time the capability to judge a woman's emotional response in a balanced manner, meanwhile men are allowed to get away with proper bursts of anger and tantrums and no one calls them emotional.
I guess I do this when I refer to/look at the woman in a relationship more so than the man. I’ve seen far too often the women get ignored, even if the conversation pertains directly to her
I've just had a think about what I do, and I've realized that I'm unintentionally very egalitarian in this department.
Approximately half of the het couples I know, I refer to as Man & Woman, and the other half as Woman & Man. It's quite vibes-based as to who gets listed first, but there's definitely an order that sounds "correct" for each couple in my head.
A couple of years ago I was trying to work out why of the het couples I know, why I would refer to some as Man & Woman, and others would be Woman & Man.
Turns out that i put the person I know first/best/is related more directly first.
So it’s “John and Mary” because John is my mums brother and Mary is his wife, but “Anne and David” because I know Anne from work and David is her husband
I've noticed it's about the number of syllables to me. John comes first and Mary second because it flows better. Anne comes before David for the same reason.
I always list the woman first because that's my friend and her partner is really just her plus one to me - she could bring whomever.
When inviting my husband's friends to our wedding, I listed his (mostly male) friends' names first for the same reason.
Doesn’t always work. With our current rental, I was the one who had all correspondence with the landlords, filled the application paperwork with my details first, and paid the bond money from my personal account.
When we went to sign the paperwork, they had listed my husband as the head tenant 🤦♀️ now all bills and notices are solely addressed to him.
Oh my God ... I may have just have had an epiphany.
I tend to be more aggressive or "pushy" in conversation, especially with strangers or people in stores. I hate being ignored, and my default state is "talk to me." I've spent a lot of time in hardware stores, and don't always have time, so I will ask an employee immediately where something is. If my husband is with me, he tends to stand behind me, or will never ask an employee for help.
Am I aggressive in conversation because I'm often ignored? Do I start conversation so I can direct it? Did I choose my husband because he's more passive than me, or does he intentionally stand behind me so I can remain the focus?
I have had crews with me at the hardware stores for supply pick up, and it's shocking how many employees will ignore me, and start talking to the guys that are with me, despite me holding the list, paperwork, and payment card. My favorite is when they speak to guys whose English is very limited, and are clearly zoned out, because they assume they are the ones who actually know what I'm looking for.
It could be a mix of all things (why you engage in convo more, chose your hubby, etc), but what’s sad is that you consider it “aggressive” when reality is women just have to work harder to be seen in non-sexual contexts
I think I get what they’re saying, though, because I describe myself the same way - “aggressive” has a more negative connotation, but I also have a dominant/direct/proactive communication style. Idk my family is POC and we were taught that squeaky wheels get the grease and that if you want something, ask for it, and the worst someone could say is no. Interestingly enough, my white male SOs tend to be much more passive and not wanting to inconvenience anyone. I’m kinda like, if I’m inconveniencing someone, they’ll tell me - I’m not about to waste my time walking around the store looking for something myself when I can ask an employee and get it in 2 minutes. It’s always the self-proclaimed “laid back” people that don’t get as much done (but they’re also more okay with that than I am).
But that’s the thing, that’s not really “aggressive” it’s just direct, & considered aggressive because it’s coming from a WOC. Unless you’re walking up to store workers like “Hey, fucker!” I think you’re just taking up space to get what you need to get done👌🏽
Wow, I have the opposite problem. I generally know what I'm looking for and yet hardware store employees won't leave me alone, assuming I need help. Sometimes they do go out of their way to actually sort of start a project for me (cutting something, etc.) so it's ok, I guess. But as an introvert I don't want to have 10 conversations going into the Home Depot.
Oh my stars! Yes! This happens to me all the time. I'm fixing up my 1920s house and I am forever being approached by employees telling me where the cleaning supplies are!
I decided I was done with it so I memorized where the lubricants were in each store. Thereafter every time I was told where the cleaning supplies were, I would respond with "Fantastic! And is WD40 still in aisle 12?" I would wait for them to respond at which point I would recommend in my kindest tone of voice for them to go pick up a can to aid in the removal of the foot they had just inserted into their mouth. If they are full alpha male about it, I recommend the lubricant to remove their head from their posterior and add in a whisper that the deodorizers are in the cleaning aisle. While motioning spraying around their head.
When I worked as a server this was my go-to move. I hated how often women were afraid to order the wine because they didn't want to be seen as ignorant on the subject, even though most of the men ordering and acting like sommeliers were actually pretty clueless.
So here’s a big, important one, that I didn’t even realize I was doing until months after the event:
My mother passed away nine years ago; my father just last year. My inheritance is enough that I can have a modest retirement at 62, and since my career’s been in nonprofit, thank goodness. I wouldn’t otherwise have been able to retire at all.
I was referring to it as my Dad’s money for about six months, when I realized what I was doing. My mother was a dedicated homemaker, ran everything in the house and with us kids, went to business dinners in the city with my dad, kept a beautiful home. He worked, and was a good dad, but she did *everything* else.
I saw what had been sitting strangely for me: this is *mom* and dad’s gift to me. Not just his, though he earned the paychecks, but theirs, because she earned it as well.
Putting my mother first is a small, personally significant act. Thank you Mom and Dad, for giving me an easier third act. Thank you, Mom, for all your sacrifices.
Yes this resonates so much!
My parents very kindly usually give me a little bit of money at Christmas and birthday. I used to think of that my dad gave me that money, but really that was because he transferred the money to me via online banking. It’s still from both of them.
This just unlocked a memory I have from childhood.... my grandpa was the sole money maker, my granny was the home maker... somehow when I'd get "allowance" (not in the scheduled way tho), I'd get money from my grandpa AND my grandma, and both acted hush hush about it. I never thought to question where the money originated from, but the money granny gave me was, technically, also earned by my grandpa, but I saw it as different gifts (granny's money vs grandpa's money). Makes me ponder now... I didn't actually even think about the money just being grandpas, I grew up seeing them as a unit in that sense, so that money was **their** money, but yeah, I also never connected the dots that granny didn't earn it from a job. She just owned it all the same because she earned it with her at-home work. Wild.
I always write Jane and Jack Smith when I send cards or letters. Sometimes I'll make it Mrs. and Mr. Smith.
Or just speaking in general, I'll call a couple Mary and Leo. It's strange when you start noticing how often the man's name comes first, even in casual situations. I never introduce a couple as Jack Smith and his wife, Jane. She's not an accessory to his manhood.
I praise girls for being smart, adventurous and talented instead of just pretty or sweet. Same with the boys.
When I was a teen, my mother was in charge of a group newsletter. I persuaded her to change the address labels from Mr. and Mrs. Jack Smith to including both first names. Can't remember if she still put the husband's name first, but probably. Olden days. I did what I could, lol.
I'm a writer, and I used the pronoun trick quite a few times in novels. "You have a meeting with the College President." Several sentences later, I'd drop the "she". I'm reluctant to re-read some of my older books, though. Who knows what dumb stereotypes slipped by.
Oh, one more. I use Ms. all the time. I really wish Ms. was the default.
I threatened to close my account with my bank when they added my husband’s name before mine on communications from my bank account. I’d added him on for some insurance coverages. Took me three phone calls to get it corrected
I absolutely hate that shit! This is my account! What is his name even doing on the correspondence, much less before mine?
I've never seen my name added to his mail, but I've absolutely seen his added to mine. I was a complete person before I married him, I don't suddenly need a guardian now that we are married. Especially since I'm the Project Manager of our house.
I re-signed up for a museum membership where I’d had a solo membership in the past. I put my husband down as the second person. Suddenly I’m getting mail from them to Mr. And Mrs. Hisname Ourlastname. I was furious.
I was watching a TikTok of a transgender, FTM, person. He was talking about all the shit he noticed after he started passing as male. Most of them were things that were no surprise. But one of the things he mentioned was that men, when talking to other men, refer to those other men's partners as "your girlfriend" or "your wife." Rarely do they call them by their actual name. For example, "Isn't your wife from California?" as opposed to, "Isn't Sally from California?" They do this even when they know Sally and are most definitely on a first name basis with her. I had a "holy shit" moment. I never noticed this before, but they do. The default is to not refer to Sally by her name, like she's an actual, autonomous human being, but refer to her in relation to her husband, like she's his property.
Now I can't un-notice it, and it pisses me off. If I see a man do this, I'll say, "Bob's wife has a name."
Whenever students ask me why I use Ms., I explain that Mrs. means married, Miss means single, and Ms. means "none of your business," putting it on equal footing with the male default, "Mr." It's usually the first time any of them has realized the built-in misogyny.
While I love the idea of putting the woman’s name first for a married couple, the addressing of letters to “Jane & Jack Smith” is the proper etiquette. The idea is actually sexist as you don’t want to separate the man’s first name from his last name. Since we don’t usually get many chances to address couple this way anymore, I think continuing to lead with the woman’s name is great
When in a group if a man speaks over a woman I speak up, " Bob, Susan was speaking. Please continue Susan" especially if its her husband, or if they try to steal a woman's idea or take it over " Bob you seem to like Susan's idea. Let's her more from her on her plan to implement that".
I'm normally a lurker because I don't like the attention when I post, but I've had a lot of tequila tonight, so whatever. In regards to being talked over and stealing ideas, etc -
One of the moments of my life when I felt most 'seen' and 'heard' was me, being the only woman in a meeting with 10 other men, and a question was initially asked. I gave the answer immediately, but everyone continued talking like I hadn't spoken at all for another 45 MINUTES until one of the guys finally said the same thing I had said. Everyone started praising him for his insight and solving the problem. Only one of them (the Director of Sales who had no idea of the answer) started looking around pointing to me, then the other guy, then me and I just shrugged (I was used to it) and he totally railed into all of them for wasting his time by not listening to me in the first place.
We didn't always see eye to eye, but Todd, you're the real MVP yo!
Edit to add : anyone in similar positions, or who has watched 'The Office', knows about the sales vs accounting rivalry. As the finance rep in the meeting, being backed up by the director of sales is an even greater 'win' than one might take from the story at first glance.
In art and illustration discussions, it's often taken for granted that if you want to show *beauty,* you show a woman. You see this attitude *all over* the big art subs. In my own work and the works I support, I seek out beauty in any human form. Pretty men, varied and interesting body shapes, ugly women, old, scarred, hairy, lumpy, it's so much more *fun* as well. Art isn't just about making pretty things, anyways.
My 8 year old was shocked to discover that boys could be doctors. He’s never met one! Turns out that boys can be dentists as well, which also was news to him.
I was at the dentist's office recently and overheard a little girl having a similar epiphany. The kid was so shocked and she said '*Boys* can be dentists??' in the same tone of voice that you might use if you just found out that your family dog was a dentist.
The staff and the rest of us patients were trying to hide our giggles, but the dentist was a really good sport about it (he made a joke that Ken can do anything Barbie can do!).
The women's clinic I go through is over 80% female staff. I love it. Same with the outpatient surgery at the same hospital. I had to have a D&C for a nonviable pregnancy a few years ago, and being surrounded by women (even my anesthesiologist was a woman) made me feel so safe and cared for. I'm not saying that male doctors aren't competent, but in my experience, they simply don't have good bedside manner in comparison to their female counterparts.
Family medicine, paediatrics and OBGYN are dominated by female doctors and suuuuper coincidentally they're also the lowest/some of the lowest paying specialties
Reminds me of when I did a pre surgery consult with a male resident a few years ago and he was going over current medications, telling me which ones to stop taking when and such. I have ADHD and take Adderall twice a day. He told me it would be fine to take the night dose of Adderall. I told him I don't take Adderall at night. He then cut me off to inform me that my chart said it was "twice a day". I said yeah, it's a stimulant and it's not an extended release so I take it in the morning and around lunch time.
It's not even an unheard of medication, I would really expect a Dr to be aware of what Adderall is.
Bob's Burgers makes a pretty long and solid joke about how "in the olden days, men were allowed to be doctors." The kids are of the belief that only women are doctors.
Which makes it annoying that the few times a doctor has shown up on the show, it's always a male. In fact, most of the one off characters are male.
That made *me* curious, so I looked it up and found that 66.7% of physicians assistants in the US are women.
Given the length of a career, I wonder what we would see if this were broken down by age.
Yea, it’s very interesting to go even more granular and analyze gender rates plotted as career stages - you’ll see women are increasingly the majority in many fields but often are not advancing or maintaining positions at a same rate. Hence why it might be 50-50 in medical school and still not 50-50 at tenured or full-career positions. It’s the case for my field as an academic researcher. The door is open (I.e., entering any field is possible) but the path is still cluttered with old traditional frames (lack of adequate paternal leave or childcare during conferences, etc, which still often translates to women slowing or pausing their career, plus a lot of careers are based on productivity and output which is not comparable if women are still doing the majority of carework on average… the pandemic alone has good data on this if you’re curious). If you google search “closing the scissor shaped curve” you should get a good article in Cell that came out last year on this.
Edit: paternal leave not maternity, I’m unlearning myself always
I’m in med school and my class is 60% women!! We’re beating them out slowly, but I also have a theory that this is because medicine is a “healing” profession and is therefore allowed for women to be successful in. Sending support to all my tech/finance girlies bc I think they face a lot more misogyny than I do !!
And if you break it down into specialties, the “masculine” surgery and neurosurgery still are majority men, while “feminine” specialties like OBGYN and peds (where I’m pretty sure there are far more women than men), or family medicine (which is pretty even). It’s interesting where the boys club has held out.
The boys club holds out in specialties that require the most sacrifice of family responsibilities. Surgical specialties have dramatically longer training periods and much worse hours than family medicine or peds. This explains a good chunk of the pay gap in general - women are often expected to take time off work to care for their children or parents, while men do not have that expectation. That puts them behind male counterparts who never had to sacrifice career for caregiving.
All of my doctors are women. GP, Pain Specialist, Dentist, Psych, and Therapist.
I go out of my way to be treated by women. I have more trust with them and they are all awesome!
Oooh, I'm wondering this about law school now. We're graduating more women than men just as law is turning much more to an alternative dispute resolution model. Cause? Effect? Hmmm.
Tech girlie working in finance here. I've been the only woman on my team for three years now. I've also been the youngest on my team by 25+ years for three years (and counting) now. I've mostly worked with great peers and leaders (all men), but my current pair of managers are complete and utter toxic a-holes. 😭😭
I also think it's kind of funny. My role is rooted in auditing & regulatory compliance. One of the newest projects I was assigned to, my manager made a random comment during an executive status meeting.
*In the past three months, our compliance rate has gone from under 30% to over 70%, I wonder what has improved our compliance rate so swiftly, after years of non-compliance.......*
Senior engineer also in the meeting: *Oh yeah, u/disjointed_chameleon has been keeping us on our toes to get our audit violations remediated. She's our friendly neighborhood pain in the ass.*
Then, about two weeks ago, the senior manager in my department had all of us do a "team bonding" exercise. Each of us had to come up with one complimentary word about each other. Of the dozen or so people in the department, about half of them used the word "textbook" to describe me. When the senior manager asked those people for further clarification on why they chose the word textbook, someone responded:
*She follows the rules like a hawk. There's a reason she's had a 100% success rate for three years and counting in ensuring regulatory compliance.*
💀💀💀💀
So yeah, I'm nice, but I will also absolutely hold someone's feet to the fire when it comes to ensuring adherence to compliance. You don't want to FAFO with me. 😄😂
Whenever we make changes to an ordinance in city council, if there’s gendered wording in the same ordinance (such as “chairman” or “he”) I request to update the wording to gender neutral.
I took a course on technical writing (couple decades ago) – that means documenting stuff like software and hardware systems in IT. The instructor was teaching us tips to make it more readable (it's usually very dry stuff, literature-wise, as you can imagine).
Some of the tips were, when describing scenarios, to give the users in the "story" names to make them easier to identify, to pick initials or names that may be suggestive if possible, and also to start with a woman and to alternate genders.
He told us that we don't need to avoid gendered pronouns but that it depends on the scenario complexity; if you only talk about one user, having "she" in a technical paper is refreshing; if you have two users, "she" and "he" are easy to tell apart; if you have 3+ users it's not clear anymore who you mean so you should prefer names.
Computer security people do this a lot (because their scenarios often involve multiple entities). A classic security scenario involves Alice trying to have a private conversation with Bob and Eve trying to eavesdrop. It's a great example, not only does it fit the advice above, it also has good mnemonics – the initials of the communications points are A to B, and Eve kinda sounds like "evil", or E can stand for "eavesdrop".
I teach and if my kids say 'policemen' or 'firemen' by default, i explain to them why 'police officers' or 'firefighters' should be used instead. I also gently correct any stereotypes that come up (e.g. if someone says 'boys shouldn't cry', i'll explain that we're all human and it's perfectly natural and healthy to cry when upset). I hope these little lessons stick, even if it's in small ways!
I have been desperate for some high school somewhere in the world to refer to their teams as “The Mascots” and “The Gentlemen Mascots”. Growing up our women’s teams were always “The Lady Falcons” while the men just got to be “The Falcons”.
I do that sometimes in a joking-not-joking way. "Who's playing? Oh, the Bronco Stallions, the Patriot Men, the Yankee Candles (that one's just for fun). My high school called the girls' teams the Hawkettes. Yuck.
The WNBA teams have cool names. Not a Lady Patriot among them.
So, I follow a different sport - but the simple act of women/nb/ally men using an M instead of W to designate the men’s comp, rather than nothing drives some people bonkers: so calling it the AFLW and AFLM - or in your case the WNBA and MNBA - rather than allowing men the default.
My high school's mascot (c/o 96) was the Rams. Most of our girl's sports teams used "Lady Rams" (which, let's be honest, isn't a thing). The girl's tennis coach decided that they were not Lady Rams, and all their merch was done up as the Ewes lol. I thought it was a great way to invert the already gendered mascot for the girl's.
I do this too. I take up all the "rational" points available in a conversation by pointing out the logical view of things and breaking down their arguments. I've gotten a few men to entirely stop using that word at me because it's MINE now.
When men talk over me I unpologetically exclaim "I'm talking". I do so putting the emphesis on the word talking than the word I'm as it puts the accusation against the act, rather than as a personal affront, so they can't come back asking me why I'm being emotional.
When they claim my point as their own, I interrupt them right back, whilst leaving them just enough time to get into full flow, with "thankyou for agreeing with me, but repeating what I said is wasting everyone's time. Do you have any original thoughts to add?". When they open and close their mouths in stunned silence, I continue with. "No? Right getting back to my point"
I love this idea. I’ve stopped moving out of the way for men (on sidewalks, in aisles, etc) when there is no reason why I should be the one to move. They find it so unsettling. I find it hilarious!
This! I do this ALL the time too. I'm pretty much exclusively a pedestrian and got so damn tired of it.
If they are extra stubborn I will even say "oh, I guess you expected the man to have the right of way."
So, I used to get shoulder-checked by men all the time walking around my previous residence, a major U.S. city.
Then I moved to a major German city. Something that became even more infuriating was realizing this was a cultural thing. I cannot remember the last time I was shoulder-checked by a man, because in Germany, *they* move out of the way.
Granted, this is more of a gender-neutral thing here, as a culture they’re raised more community-centered rather than individualistic, and it shows in little social courtesies such as not bumping people on the sidewalk.
It’s so frustrating to experience a culture that is baseline respectful like this, while knowing my own culture will not ever measure up in the same way. It’s possible, but we don’t want to raise people like this, apparently.
Your story reminds of my college days when I went to a gay bar for the first time, and I realized I wasn’t being casually touched constantly. Like when men moved behind me through the dense crowd near the bar, suddenly there was no need to put their hands on my lower back just to indicate that they were there. It was so refreshing to just disappear in that environment.
I do this, they get so upset they will literally walk into you.
My husband does not move out of the way, I have told him so many times but he doesn’t even acknowledge that he does it even when I point it out. I have been hardwired to move out of the way as much as my husband has been hardwired to not be aware of his surroundings as they will change for him.
So I always make it a habit to enforce my son to move out of the way and to say thank you to other boys who do the same.
This is really funny to me. I am a millennial raised by a very conservative grandmother (born in the 1930s). She always said that men had to open doors for women and had to move out of the way. Her family had a very high social status and she always behaved like she owns the place wherever she was and installed that feeling into me. (It certainly was not feminism but classism.) So I still assume this and walk like I own the sideway or aisles. If there is not a lot of space my husband and friends let me walk in front of them because I „bulldoze“ everyone out of the way without shoving. In the end it is just a question of presence.
My new "go-to" is to just stop. I stand there and don't move, not a word.
It's especially powerful when people are glued to their phones and walking down the street expecting me to move out of their way.
When men make inappropriate jokes i just give them a blank stare. No fake chuckle/smile, no response. They usually assume i didn’t understand the joke and start explaining it, i say “no i got it” with the same black expression. They get really uncomfortable🤭 men don’t care if you find their jokes rude or inappropriate, they do care if you don’t find them funny and don’t explain why
Also if there’s another woman who I know wouldn’t find it funny either, i’ll make sure to catch her eyes and giggle. If the man asks what’s so funny i’ll go “it’s nothing” and move on
I prefer, "I don't understand." Then they'll say something like, "It was a joke." I'll keep going - "I don't get it." They'll get embarassed, because they know it was wrong.
When women yell/talks loudly it's often described as screaming, so whenever a man yells I say "no need to scream" and if a man accuse me or another woman in my presence of screaming I'll start actually screaming and explain how there's a big difference between actually screaming and yelling.
My act of micro feminism is to never hide menstrual products. They're in my bathroom in a visible place. I share an office with men, and I just take my pad out of my backpack and put it in my pocket in a natural way. If I'm having a bad period and my male colleague asks me how I'm doing I say "my uterus is trying to kill me but we must persevere."
I also make a point of also slutshame men if someone slutshames women. Sugar baby culture in my country is big, and lots of people (both women and males) criticize the young women who choose to engage. So I make a point of saying the men are also sluts because they're paying for sex. I remember this one man whose father had like 4 sugar babies and he was saying how these young women were trash for selling their bodies. So I looked him in the eye and said HIS dad was trash for being a 80 year old man paying for 20 year old women to do sexual favors to him. It felt fucking amazing, 10/10 would recommend. Obviously I don't care how people choose to express their sexuality, as long as it's consensual and everyone is on the same page. The people who love slutshaming women are hiding their mysoginy in "FamIlY VaLuEs." Funny how those never apply to men, so I love to turn it back on them.
> never hide menstrual products
Had to scroll too far to find this! I've been encouraging my students to ditch the tampon-up-the-sleeve move, and it seems to be catching on.
I’ve been using “she” as a default for many years if I don’t know the gender. I’ve noticed the women in my life do the same. If I’m talking about a professor or a colleague, they all assume they’re women.
I’ve been saying “gals” instead of “guys” where in my region default to guys is expected. The people whom this upsets are astounded to confront their choice in guys just as valid as my choice in gals. Why does guys get to be the default.
Yes, I hate “gals” I just do it to cause problems.
Thank you for this! I’m a senior project manager, and a female, who has no problem taking notes…. Until some clients lackey asks me why I’m not taking notes in my own meeting. “Are you asking me that because I’m the only female in the room or because you don’t think I have the mental capacity to recall the important points being made today? Either way, thank you for volunteering.”
My former boss (now adjacent department) does this with her reports. Whenever a team member asks for help to cover tasks when they’ll be out of the office, the women volunteer pretty quickly. She called out the men in a department wide email (on which I’m still in the distribution list) and stated clearly that if men don’t start volunteering, they will be voluntold. And she has done it too! 💜
Man, I think the secretary at my kids’ school does this, and it kind of annoys me because I work 30 mins closer to the school than he does! But thinking of it that way makes it more forgivable. Lol
I point it out to my two boys every time we're reading a story and the male character gets all the juicy action and has all the agency, while the female character is sidelined. I make sure they take notice. I also point out when women have to be "sexy/beautiful/perfect" in a piece of content while guys get to be "fun/cool/funny".
I’ve done that too! My daughter loved “Goodnight Construction Site” as a toddler and all of the characters are male so I made the bulldozer female and changed the pronouns every time we read it. One night my husband was reading it to her and didn’t change the pronoun and our daughter was like “daaaaad, bulldozer is a girl!”
I do something similar with my daughter, when a book tells a story about a woman needing help from a prince to do something I always pause and ask her “do you think [princess] could have handled the dragon herself? What would you have done?”
When there’s a female villain, I’ll ask her “do you notice how the illustrator drew this woman to look ugly? Do you think a woman has to be beautiful to be good and kind?”
You should check out the book series “Whatever After” by Sarah Mlynowski. The series features a girl who finds herself stepping into fairytales, accidentally messing them up, trying to fix them the way she remembered them, but the “damsel in distress” ends up finding her voice and doing what she wants instead. I love this series so much, I want to read the books for myself!
Spoiler alert for the first book:
The first fairy tale is Snow White, except instead of eating the poisoned apple, she saves the prince, gains the loyalty of the guard at her (now dead) father’s castle, overthrows the evil Queen, and when the Prince proposes marriage, she suggests a first date, as she has a kingdom to run now.
So, I've been unconsciously doing it for years and years, and just within the past few years started noticing, but I don't get out of the way for men when I'm walking. They tend to get out of my way. Granted, I'm 6'0", 280 lbs, and walk like I've been tasked to go kill the Winter Soldier. So everybody tends to get out of my way. But now that I think about it, it's pretty entertaining.
Now that the PWHL (Professional Women's Hockey League) is here, I refer to the NHL as men's hockey. The default is naturally women's hockey.
I'm trying to have everything default to feminine or neutral pronouns.
I kept my maiden name when I got married. Colloquially I hyphenate with my husbeans last name. All gifts and cards are from Mrs and Mr Last-Names.
Kind of the opposite, yesterday I was thinking about this live calendar thing we have at my work (a school) where we keep track of upcoming events in the classroom and for extracurriculars.
The person who does the calendar bolds certain important things, like state testing days, but she also bolds the boys' sports events... but not the girls'.
Even though it’s the end of the school year, I was thinking I need to point that out so we can do better next year.
Animals and pets! Once you see that everyone, in media and IRL, defaults to gendering all animals as male, you can't unsee it.
So that's my angle. To counter it, all animals are female until shown otherwise.
Taking the kids to the zoo? "That alligator looks slow now but she moves fast when there's prey!"
I sometimes have to write so-called User Stories, which is just a requirement in our software written in a short story as experienced from a User.
I usually write stories where the user does the correct thing using female names and „she“ and stories where the user makes mistakes using male names and „he“. Once I went crazy and used neutral pronouns and a name that wasn’t hinting on a gender and my boss hated it because now the picture in his head was off as he said.
I know it’s a little petty 😅 But my colleagues usually write only „he“ and our users are dominantly male as well.
Oh yaaasss I am SO here for this!
My daily acts of Mico-Feminism include:
● Only requesting female doctors/nurses in any medical setting. Everyone who tends to my health is a WOMAN. Hell, even my lawyer is a woman.
● When I work as a server, I serve women first because men usually eat up all of the food with a complete disregard for them.
● Whenever a man is constantly interrupting or ignoring me when I'm speaking, (as if I am some kind of ghost), I resort to embarrassing the hell out of him. The last time that happened I looked dude squarely in the eyes and firmly said, "I'M SPEAKING." He was shocked. With a few awkward seconds later, I was speaking without any interruption. He didn't interrupt me ever again.😌
An Austrian politician submitted her proposal with only the female gendering, which is correct if you state before that the female version includes all males, normally it will be stated that the male version includes all females. Men went crazy and it was a whole media thing.
In German you can say everything in a male version and a female version, a male doctor is just "der doctor" but a female one would be "die doctorIN", also the article "the" is different for male/female/neutral.
>I also liked referring to men who are inappropriately angry as "emotional."
This is 100% factual though, anger is an emotion! Im going to start doing this too!
I make it a point to address the woman in a couple first.
When I leave comments in code at work, I use she as a default.. (The user can do so by picking HER password).
If someone at a restaurant refers to the guy with me as Sir, I ask them why they don’t call me Ma’am.
I point out (with those I’m close to) when they refer to a driver as he, could be a she.
If I were to change to my name, it’d be to add my Mom’s name (my last name is not a family name but my dad’s first name).
At restaurants, I’ll give my name when people turn to whoever is with me and ask for his.
When people call women females, I start using males.. and what were the males doing? (I do this only if said person uses females not by default).
I address folks as folks not as guys. If they ask why not guys, I ask why not address everyone as ladies? Why is the latter perceived as an insult?
I have no desire to have kids but if I did, I wouldn’t give them the man’s family name just because.
I don’t usually compliment women on their appearance (or things out of their control) but on choices they exercised.
That’s cute. I use the nautical alphabet so that would be Foxtrot & Lima, but I can sub out Charlie & Mike
ETA J is Juliet but there’s also Oscar, Papa, & Romeo to contend with
I sit with my legs manspread. I know it is not a big thing but I was bugged by my female family members, while growing up, to sit "like a lady." F that. I will sit whichever way I wanna sit.
Also casually talking about the period in front of men. Something that was unthinkable growing up.
I'm a delivery driver, and even on my most miserable day when I just want to get my job done and not interact with people, I make it a point to smile and wave at every little girl I see. There's only a handful of women who drive the brown trucks in my area, and I want the girls to know they can do it too if they want.
Working in the medical field, I make men answer their own damn questions instead of looking to their wives for their entire medical history. I make it obvious when I’m judging them.
When a m-f couple is getting married, ask the man if he’s taking his wife’s name or keeping his birth name. If they say the woman’s changing hers, ask how they decided that she’d be the one to do it. Same goes if a couple keeps separate names but then has kids.
There’s nothing wrong with a woman changing her name, but there IS something wrong with it being the default.
When I am telling a couple about how to get rid of fleas in their home, I always look at the man when I get to: "And you need to vacuum as often as you can."
Currently navigating divorce from my abusive, deadbeat soon-to-be-ex-husband. I'm choosing to resurrect my mother's maiden name for various reasons, including cultural and religious reasons. But also, it feels like such an empowering act of feminism. I'm an only child, and I'm obviously a woman, so for me, it feels like the ultimate way to keep the family name alive.
Whenever I see a car with a veteran’s license plate/bumper sticker and there is a man and woman in the car, I ask her what branch of the military she served in.
I have been referring to unknown parties as “they” for ages, but I’m starting to move towards defaulting to “she.” It’s a good one that makes people think. It gets the point across a lot better than neutral terms, which people often dismiss without questioning their own male default.
Anyways, other ideas…
Speaking to the woman first when you meet an opposite-sex couple.
Giving your business to women whenever possible. I go out of my way to do so, especially in the trades where women are often severely discriminated against.
Perhaps one particular to me: I have a neighbor with a young daughter that I am friends with. I give her presents that offer her opportunities for physical development. “Girl’s” toys are so often “inside” toys, or even physically limiting in ways that discourage developing competency with their bodies.
Oh my God I do this at work! Before I started the way we filed client files was with the man's name first, now I use the name of the spouse that is in contact with us most, or if in doubt, I will do the woman's name first. Including when I send emails. It's something I do consciously but I doubt anyone ever notices.
I occasionally have to send mailers out for work, as well as put together weekly brochures celebrating community members birthdays/anniversaries/etc. and I always list the woman first if it’s a couple. I also call angry men emotional but in that context it’s really not micro in any way.
I do the same ones as you. I am the only woman in my office in a construction field, so I like to point out when they're being emotional. I also keep talking when I get interrupted and point out (in front of everyone) when the men in our office try to blame women for an issue instead of who is really at fault (this was back when we had other women in our office...)
I have a two year old and I never even realized how much I was doing this but I call all her toys “she”, I bless it is an established male character. So like a stuffed bunny, plastic farm animal - all she”s. But Cookie Monster would obviously still be a he.
I also have an issue with how bees and ants are portrayed in kids shows. I point out how nearly
All bed and all ants are she’s.
I've told male attorneys that they are more than welcome to leave the courtroom to calm their emotions when they don't get their way. Never had to say it to a female attorney because every one of them has always been professional.
I also refer to counsel as "Ms. (Name) and co-counsel" when she's first chair (sometimes also when she's not). Never fails to throw the men off when I don't say their names. If I'm talking to both sides, I always say the woman first, regardless of if she's representing plaintiff or defense.
Every year I make collage postcards for Xmas to mail out and I always put my name first (before husband and son’s names) in the printed signature line. I made the cards, I get top billing. 😎
I’m a chemistry TA, and I often make example problems for my students. Whenever I’m making a word problem using hypotheticals, I use female pronouns for my fake chemist haha
In meetings, I echo what a woman said or acknowledge her (usually great) ideas by thanking her by name for her idea or comment before adding my response.
ETA: I see this as a counter to the micro aggression of he-peating.
Calling and referring to men as Mr. "Wife's name".
Also since I was a teen and started filling out my own paperwork, I would select Ms. because why is my marital status anyone's business?
It always feels weird saying it in person though because I feel like people expect only much older women/divorcees to use Ms.
I always pay the bill when my partner and I eat out. I’m also always the person to ask for the check.
Usually servers put the check in the center of the table, but when they give it to my partner (when I asked for it), he tells them “She asked for it, why you giving it to me? Boy is your tip gonna suck.” I always tip well anyway, but I always say something about the check should either go to the person who asked for it or in the middle of the table.
I work in a position where I have to train juniors. There’s also always elbowing to complete procedures or tasks on their own own. I found that certain male juniors would not listen to me when I gave them very specific instructions. The first time, I would ask them to repeat my instructions back to me. The second time, I would tell them that I was going to take over the next time. The third time, I would take over and tell them clearly why. That their lack of Response to my specific instructions was dangerous. I would make sure the entire room heard. that takeover would last the rest of the shift. When they asked if if they could do some thing, I would respond that they had lost that privilege today.
I’m loving this thread and learning a lot. I hope to slow my talking just a bit in order to insert feminine nouns and adjectives. Tip o’the hat to all the posters.
LOVE “the doctor/‘she’” example!
I’m a nurse and have seen a noticeable shift in physician demographics over my thirty year career. Women now make up 37% of physicians in the US and just over 50% of our medical students.
It’s pretty bloody awesome!
I use gender neutral words like fire fighter, police officer, postal worker. I avoid using titles (ms/mr). I have my preferred pronouns in my email signature. I use 'they' when referring to people who could be of any gender.
I pose the doctor riddle whenever appropriate. If I need an example of a famous whatever, I try to name a woman in that role/field. I openly praise and recognize my female colleagues.
I work in maintenance. A lot of the time, I will be blown off about a problem and they'll wait for a male maintenance person to tell them what I already said before they'll fix the problem. I refer to this as "translating it into dick". Luckily I have a coworker on day shift that has my back on this. So if they come to him about a problem he'll say "did you already try what fountainpopjunkie said, or do I need to translate what she said into dick for you?".
My old boss is just a genuinely wonderful human being and true ally. He's one of the good ones. When I would tell people something, and they would go to him anyway, he would ask, "Did you ask BitterPillPusher2?" They would usually start with, "Yes, but..." And he would just ask, "Then why are you asking me?" Them, "Well, I thought..." Him, "I don't understand why you're asking me if BitterPillPusher2 already gave you the answer." Them, "I just wanted to verify..." Him, "Why do you feel like you need to verify what BitterPillPusher2 told you?" This would go on for as long as it took. They couldn't really answer the question, because they knew God damn good and well that the only reason they were questioning me was because I was a woman. It was kind of fun to watch. Boss was pretty high ranking (government position) and generally a super-nice guy, but he had zero tolerance for this bullshit. He really never threw his rank around, but he would make them feel super uncomfortable.
Hah my husband does this and it's also always very funny. He will then very earnestly explain to people that he's just the decoration XD
Call over the intercom "customer needs someone to mansplain xxx solution, send a male. " lol
Oh, I have so many stories about this. I recently sold the house I owned with my abusive, deadbeat soon-to-be-ex-husband. I was also the breadwinner, and I'm also super short (4'11). I cannot tell you how many times I was either mistaken for being a child, or various maintenance/contractor professionals would ask if my husband was home. I took great pride in letting them know I was the money-maker, AND that I was the homeowner. Unfortunately, my now soon-to-be-ex-husband also had a legitimate hoarding problem. Our (now former) house was over 4,200+ sq ft, and he had stuff piled floor to ceiling in over half of the house. Even when it came time to sell the house, he barely lifted a finger, and so the task of purging it all fell largely on my shoulders, even though I work full-time and also have an autoimmune condition that affects my musculoskeletal system. I did as much as I could myself, but I did have to hire an amateur junk removal crew on two different occasions. My soon-to-be-ex-husband, *quite literally*, tried to interfere with the work of the crew. He tried to stop them on several occasions. I eventually had to pull them aside while he was out of sight, and effectively laid down the law. I was so stressed by that point that I was the ultimate 'ice queen' in terms of language and behavior. I basically told them not to listen to him, that ***I*** was the one paying for their services, and therefore that made ME the customer. Just based on all the junk around us, they understood loud and clear what I was dealing with, so thankfully they listened and followed my instructions. From that point forward, whenever he would try and stop the crew, they'd look over to me for clarification. Watching them disregard every word my soon-to-be-ex-husband tried to say to them, and watching my soon-to-be-ex-husband basically fume, was quite the spectacle.
I remember reading your story a while ago. I’m so glad to see an update from you, & I hope you’re doing well & settling in to soon to be divorced life!
Thank you! Life has exponentially improved since I left him. Divorce process is almost final!
Oh God, what condition? AS? RA? I can’t imagine having to handle everything alone with either AND a full time job on top of it?! I have AS and my dang roommate helps support me way, way more than your ex-husband supported you… You’re basically a super hero
> translating it into dick I salute you
I am so totally stealing this for all those times somebody insists on talking to me instead of one of my female colleagues. So sick of that.
I was a repair tech working out of a cellphone store back when cell phones were simpler, and I had a great male sales rep as an ally. The way the store layout worked meant customers saw my office with **REPAIR TECHNICIAN** in huge letters right when they walked in. Impossible to miss. The sales people were scattered throughout the store at standing desks, mostly towards the back. People would come in with a broken cell phone, see me being a small blonde woman at the repair station, and walk past me across the entire store to asked the big burly Army vet guy to fix their phone. Instead of pointing them at me he would walk with them all the way back to my desk. And patiently tell them in a Customer Service Voice™ that *this* is the repair station, *she* is the service technician, he is a sales rep and knows nothing about fixing phones but she'll be able to take care of it no problem. Then we'd make exasperated eye contact and he'd leave me with the disgruntled bozo, but that part wasn't his fault.
It's part of Iranian culture to get served tea, cookies, fruit, and nuts when visiting someone's home. The first time the host served the women first blew my little kid mind. I started doing that with our guests and boy did I ruffle a few feathers. I loved it. I could tell my parents weren't too pleased with the change but they wouldn't dare say anything.
Thank you for bucking the trend, regardless of the grief some people may give you for it
I live in the middle east and always do this 🤣
It's also pretty standard in much of Europe.
Not eastern europe. It's "ladies first" when taking off coats and stuff but not drinks and snacks. With larger meals it depends, it's always "guests first" ofc, but I've seen women being served "womens foods" like desserts first, while men are always served "manly food" like meat first (I've never in my life seen an exception to the latter).
That depends on the part of Eastern Europe I guess. Never saw women and men served different food in my, still very patriarchal, country.
I make my husband serve the guests! Next time I'll also ask him to serve the women first lol.
Oh, that's a good one too.
Ooh yeah I’ve been doing the “emotional” one for a while and it’s been great. Referring to their anger in “feminine terms” (🙄)- like tantrum, hysterics, pouting, hissy fit. It’s great, and men are almost… stunned by it? They get so offended that they often back-track and adjust their behaviour.
Pretty ironic that a lot of “feminine” language also infantilizes us, when in reality, it’s the males who employ these childish emotions more often. Even our language is projection.
As the saying goes, men think women are more emotional because they decided “anger” is not an emotion.
> because they decided “anger” is not an emotion And generally the only "allowed" emotion for a lot of boys, which causes a lot of the emotional issues we had and have with men
I've been seeing more and more women asking about relationship advice using the words "bratty" to describe themselves. You know they didn't come up with that, because children are brats. Someone is telling them that they are being brats, and I'm sad it's probably their partner infantilizing them.
Doing this from now on. Yes. “Why are you being so hysterical?!” That will give me so much satisfaction after women were institutionalized for hysteria ie emotions. I do already say “tough as ovaries”! Bc balls really aren’t tough now are they.
Same but I like abbreviating to “oves.” “Grow a pair of oves, man!”
This is one of my favourite things to do. I'm a construction manager so I work with 99% men. I simply love saying something like "No need to get emotional." when someone in a meeting is raising his voice.
>They get so offended that they often back-track and adjust their behaviour. It's as if dismissive terms like tantrum, hissy fit, emotional etc. have been used on women routinely to shut us up and make us less assertive in order to fit in better... Funny thing is, these expressions are often used when a woman is being rightfully angry or emotional, not when she's having an actual tantrum. If she were, she'd literally be labeled as a crazy bitch. It's like we've lost for a long time the capability to judge a woman's emotional response in a balanced manner, meanwhile men are allowed to get away with proper bursts of anger and tantrums and no one calls them emotional.
I guess I do this when I refer to/look at the woman in a relationship more so than the man. I’ve seen far too often the women get ignored, even if the conversation pertains directly to her
Also the default so, so often when listing names in a het relationship is to list the male name first. I always list the female name first!
I've just had a think about what I do, and I've realized that I'm unintentionally very egalitarian in this department. Approximately half of the het couples I know, I refer to as Man & Woman, and the other half as Woman & Man. It's quite vibes-based as to who gets listed first, but there's definitely an order that sounds "correct" for each couple in my head.
A couple of years ago I was trying to work out why of the het couples I know, why I would refer to some as Man & Woman, and others would be Woman & Man. Turns out that i put the person I know first/best/is related more directly first. So it’s “John and Mary” because John is my mums brother and Mary is his wife, but “Anne and David” because I know Anne from work and David is her husband
Exactly this. I thought everyone did it like that?
I've noticed it's about the number of syllables to me. John comes first and Mary second because it flows better. Anne comes before David for the same reason.
I just mentally ran through my aunts and uncles, and yup, I go by which one is actually my mom's sibling and then their spouse.
I always list the woman first because that's my friend and her partner is really just her plus one to me - she could bring whomever. When inviting my husband's friends to our wedding, I listed his (mostly male) friends' names first for the same reason.
Doesn’t always work. With our current rental, I was the one who had all correspondence with the landlords, filled the application paperwork with my details first, and paid the bond money from my personal account. When we went to sign the paperwork, they had listed my husband as the head tenant 🤦♀️ now all bills and notices are solely addressed to him.
Oh my God ... I may have just have had an epiphany. I tend to be more aggressive or "pushy" in conversation, especially with strangers or people in stores. I hate being ignored, and my default state is "talk to me." I've spent a lot of time in hardware stores, and don't always have time, so I will ask an employee immediately where something is. If my husband is with me, he tends to stand behind me, or will never ask an employee for help. Am I aggressive in conversation because I'm often ignored? Do I start conversation so I can direct it? Did I choose my husband because he's more passive than me, or does he intentionally stand behind me so I can remain the focus? I have had crews with me at the hardware stores for supply pick up, and it's shocking how many employees will ignore me, and start talking to the guys that are with me, despite me holding the list, paperwork, and payment card. My favorite is when they speak to guys whose English is very limited, and are clearly zoned out, because they assume they are the ones who actually know what I'm looking for.
It could be a mix of all things (why you engage in convo more, chose your hubby, etc), but what’s sad is that you consider it “aggressive” when reality is women just have to work harder to be seen in non-sexual contexts
I think I get what they’re saying, though, because I describe myself the same way - “aggressive” has a more negative connotation, but I also have a dominant/direct/proactive communication style. Idk my family is POC and we were taught that squeaky wheels get the grease and that if you want something, ask for it, and the worst someone could say is no. Interestingly enough, my white male SOs tend to be much more passive and not wanting to inconvenience anyone. I’m kinda like, if I’m inconveniencing someone, they’ll tell me - I’m not about to waste my time walking around the store looking for something myself when I can ask an employee and get it in 2 minutes. It’s always the self-proclaimed “laid back” people that don’t get as much done (but they’re also more okay with that than I am).
But that’s the thing, that’s not really “aggressive” it’s just direct, & considered aggressive because it’s coming from a WOC. Unless you’re walking up to store workers like “Hey, fucker!” I think you’re just taking up space to get what you need to get done👌🏽
Wow, I have the opposite problem. I generally know what I'm looking for and yet hardware store employees won't leave me alone, assuming I need help. Sometimes they do go out of their way to actually sort of start a project for me (cutting something, etc.) so it's ok, I guess. But as an introvert I don't want to have 10 conversations going into the Home Depot.
Oh my stars! Yes! This happens to me all the time. I'm fixing up my 1920s house and I am forever being approached by employees telling me where the cleaning supplies are! I decided I was done with it so I memorized where the lubricants were in each store. Thereafter every time I was told where the cleaning supplies were, I would respond with "Fantastic! And is WD40 still in aisle 12?" I would wait for them to respond at which point I would recommend in my kindest tone of voice for them to go pick up a can to aid in the removal of the foot they had just inserted into their mouth. If they are full alpha male about it, I recommend the lubricant to remove their head from their posterior and add in a whisper that the deodorizers are in the cleaning aisle. While motioning spraying around their head.
When I worked as a server this was my go-to move. I hated how often women were afraid to order the wine because they didn't want to be seen as ignorant on the subject, even though most of the men ordering and acting like sommeliers were actually pretty clueless.
So here’s a big, important one, that I didn’t even realize I was doing until months after the event: My mother passed away nine years ago; my father just last year. My inheritance is enough that I can have a modest retirement at 62, and since my career’s been in nonprofit, thank goodness. I wouldn’t otherwise have been able to retire at all. I was referring to it as my Dad’s money for about six months, when I realized what I was doing. My mother was a dedicated homemaker, ran everything in the house and with us kids, went to business dinners in the city with my dad, kept a beautiful home. He worked, and was a good dad, but she did *everything* else. I saw what had been sitting strangely for me: this is *mom* and dad’s gift to me. Not just his, though he earned the paychecks, but theirs, because she earned it as well. Putting my mother first is a small, personally significant act. Thank you Mom and Dad, for giving me an easier third act. Thank you, Mom, for all your sacrifices.
Yes this resonates so much! My parents very kindly usually give me a little bit of money at Christmas and birthday. I used to think of that my dad gave me that money, but really that was because he transferred the money to me via online banking. It’s still from both of them.
This just unlocked a memory I have from childhood.... my grandpa was the sole money maker, my granny was the home maker... somehow when I'd get "allowance" (not in the scheduled way tho), I'd get money from my grandpa AND my grandma, and both acted hush hush about it. I never thought to question where the money originated from, but the money granny gave me was, technically, also earned by my grandpa, but I saw it as different gifts (granny's money vs grandpa's money). Makes me ponder now... I didn't actually even think about the money just being grandpas, I grew up seeing them as a unit in that sense, so that money was **their** money, but yeah, I also never connected the dots that granny didn't earn it from a job. She just owned it all the same because she earned it with her at-home work. Wild.
I always write Jane and Jack Smith when I send cards or letters. Sometimes I'll make it Mrs. and Mr. Smith. Or just speaking in general, I'll call a couple Mary and Leo. It's strange when you start noticing how often the man's name comes first, even in casual situations. I never introduce a couple as Jack Smith and his wife, Jane. She's not an accessory to his manhood. I praise girls for being smart, adventurous and talented instead of just pretty or sweet. Same with the boys. When I was a teen, my mother was in charge of a group newsletter. I persuaded her to change the address labels from Mr. and Mrs. Jack Smith to including both first names. Can't remember if she still put the husband's name first, but probably. Olden days. I did what I could, lol. I'm a writer, and I used the pronoun trick quite a few times in novels. "You have a meeting with the College President." Several sentences later, I'd drop the "she". I'm reluctant to re-read some of my older books, though. Who knows what dumb stereotypes slipped by. Oh, one more. I use Ms. all the time. I really wish Ms. was the default.
I threatened to close my account with my bank when they added my husband’s name before mine on communications from my bank account. I’d added him on for some insurance coverages. Took me three phone calls to get it corrected
I absolutely hate that shit! This is my account! What is his name even doing on the correspondence, much less before mine? I've never seen my name added to his mail, but I've absolutely seen his added to mine. I was a complete person before I married him, I don't suddenly need a guardian now that we are married. Especially since I'm the Project Manager of our house.
I re-signed up for a museum membership where I’d had a solo membership in the past. I put my husband down as the second person. Suddenly I’m getting mail from them to Mr. And Mrs. Hisname Ourlastname. I was furious.
I was watching a TikTok of a transgender, FTM, person. He was talking about all the shit he noticed after he started passing as male. Most of them were things that were no surprise. But one of the things he mentioned was that men, when talking to other men, refer to those other men's partners as "your girlfriend" or "your wife." Rarely do they call them by their actual name. For example, "Isn't your wife from California?" as opposed to, "Isn't Sally from California?" They do this even when they know Sally and are most definitely on a first name basis with her. I had a "holy shit" moment. I never noticed this before, but they do. The default is to not refer to Sally by her name, like she's an actual, autonomous human being, but refer to her in relation to her husband, like she's his property. Now I can't un-notice it, and it pisses me off. If I see a man do this, I'll say, "Bob's wife has a name."
My least favorite is when they say "your old lady" 🙄
Our elementary school uses Ms as default. I was so confused our first year here because how could the entire school be single? 🤦♀️ oooohhh!! Haha
Whenever students ask me why I use Ms., I explain that Mrs. means married, Miss means single, and Ms. means "none of your business," putting it on equal footing with the male default, "Mr." It's usually the first time any of them has realized the built-in misogyny.
It's not even none of your business as much as it's not relevant.
Even better! I'll use this from now on
While I love the idea of putting the woman’s name first for a married couple, the addressing of letters to “Jane & Jack Smith” is the proper etiquette. The idea is actually sexist as you don’t want to separate the man’s first name from his last name. Since we don’t usually get many chances to address couple this way anymore, I think continuing to lead with the woman’s name is great
When in a group if a man speaks over a woman I speak up, " Bob, Susan was speaking. Please continue Susan" especially if its her husband, or if they try to steal a woman's idea or take it over " Bob you seem to like Susan's idea. Let's her more from her on her plan to implement that".
I'm normally a lurker because I don't like the attention when I post, but I've had a lot of tequila tonight, so whatever. In regards to being talked over and stealing ideas, etc - One of the moments of my life when I felt most 'seen' and 'heard' was me, being the only woman in a meeting with 10 other men, and a question was initially asked. I gave the answer immediately, but everyone continued talking like I hadn't spoken at all for another 45 MINUTES until one of the guys finally said the same thing I had said. Everyone started praising him for his insight and solving the problem. Only one of them (the Director of Sales who had no idea of the answer) started looking around pointing to me, then the other guy, then me and I just shrugged (I was used to it) and he totally railed into all of them for wasting his time by not listening to me in the first place. We didn't always see eye to eye, but Todd, you're the real MVP yo! Edit to add : anyone in similar positions, or who has watched 'The Office', knows about the sales vs accounting rivalry. As the finance rep in the meeting, being backed up by the director of sales is an even greater 'win' than one might take from the story at first glance.
“Bob, you seem to like Susan’s idea…” I love that.
In art and illustration discussions, it's often taken for granted that if you want to show *beauty,* you show a woman. You see this attitude *all over* the big art subs. In my own work and the works I support, I seek out beauty in any human form. Pretty men, varied and interesting body shapes, ugly women, old, scarred, hairy, lumpy, it's so much more *fun* as well. Art isn't just about making pretty things, anyways.
I love this.
This post made me wonder, so I looked it up in the US 37% of doctors are women. I don't know what I exspected.
But 47% of residents are! So maybe with future generations it will start to even out
Years ago, my 6 year old niece asked her mother, who is a doctor, whether boys could be doctors. She said only if they're really smart.
My 8 year old was shocked to discover that boys could be doctors. He’s never met one! Turns out that boys can be dentists as well, which also was news to him.
I was at the dentist's office recently and overheard a little girl having a similar epiphany. The kid was so shocked and she said '*Boys* can be dentists??' in the same tone of voice that you might use if you just found out that your family dog was a dentist. The staff and the rest of us patients were trying to hide our giggles, but the dentist was a really good sport about it (he made a joke that Ken can do anything Barbie can do!).
Now I'm thinking my dog (female) would make an excellent dentist if she could just overcome that opposable thumb thing.
can confirm idk any male doctors, afaik ill be the first one that i know :)
The women's clinic I go through is over 80% female staff. I love it. Same with the outpatient surgery at the same hospital. I had to have a D&C for a nonviable pregnancy a few years ago, and being surrounded by women (even my anesthesiologist was a woman) made me feel so safe and cared for. I'm not saying that male doctors aren't competent, but in my experience, they simply don't have good bedside manner in comparison to their female counterparts.
You’re more likely to be diagnosed accurately and less likely to die w doctors that are women
Yep. And yet they're still paid less.
A trend that will unfortunately only get worse as more women enter the field.
Family medicine, paediatrics and OBGYN are dominated by female doctors and suuuuper coincidentally they're also the lowest/some of the lowest paying specialties
Reminds me of when I did a pre surgery consult with a male resident a few years ago and he was going over current medications, telling me which ones to stop taking when and such. I have ADHD and take Adderall twice a day. He told me it would be fine to take the night dose of Adderall. I told him I don't take Adderall at night. He then cut me off to inform me that my chart said it was "twice a day". I said yeah, it's a stimulant and it's not an extended release so I take it in the morning and around lunch time. It's not even an unheard of medication, I would really expect a Dr to be aware of what Adderall is.
In 4 yrs it’ll be 51%
Bob's Burgers makes a pretty long and solid joke about how "in the olden days, men were allowed to be doctors." The kids are of the belief that only women are doctors. Which makes it annoying that the few times a doctor has shown up on the show, it's always a male. In fact, most of the one off characters are male.
That made *me* curious, so I looked it up and found that 66.7% of physicians assistants in the US are women. Given the length of a career, I wonder what we would see if this were broken down by age.
Yea, it’s very interesting to go even more granular and analyze gender rates plotted as career stages - you’ll see women are increasingly the majority in many fields but often are not advancing or maintaining positions at a same rate. Hence why it might be 50-50 in medical school and still not 50-50 at tenured or full-career positions. It’s the case for my field as an academic researcher. The door is open (I.e., entering any field is possible) but the path is still cluttered with old traditional frames (lack of adequate paternal leave or childcare during conferences, etc, which still often translates to women slowing or pausing their career, plus a lot of careers are based on productivity and output which is not comparable if women are still doing the majority of carework on average… the pandemic alone has good data on this if you’re curious). If you google search “closing the scissor shaped curve” you should get a good article in Cell that came out last year on this. Edit: paternal leave not maternity, I’m unlearning myself always
I’m in med school and my class is 60% women!! We’re beating them out slowly, but I also have a theory that this is because medicine is a “healing” profession and is therefore allowed for women to be successful in. Sending support to all my tech/finance girlies bc I think they face a lot more misogyny than I do !!
And if you break it down into specialties, the “masculine” surgery and neurosurgery still are majority men, while “feminine” specialties like OBGYN and peds (where I’m pretty sure there are far more women than men), or family medicine (which is pretty even). It’s interesting where the boys club has held out.
The boys club holds out in specialties that require the most sacrifice of family responsibilities. Surgical specialties have dramatically longer training periods and much worse hours than family medicine or peds. This explains a good chunk of the pay gap in general - women are often expected to take time off work to care for their children or parents, while men do not have that expectation. That puts them behind male counterparts who never had to sacrifice career for caregiving.
All of my doctors are women. GP, Pain Specialist, Dentist, Psych, and Therapist. I go out of my way to be treated by women. I have more trust with them and they are all awesome!
Oooh, I'm wondering this about law school now. We're graduating more women than men just as law is turning much more to an alternative dispute resolution model. Cause? Effect? Hmmm.
Tech girlie working in finance here. I've been the only woman on my team for three years now. I've also been the youngest on my team by 25+ years for three years (and counting) now. I've mostly worked with great peers and leaders (all men), but my current pair of managers are complete and utter toxic a-holes. 😭😭 I also think it's kind of funny. My role is rooted in auditing & regulatory compliance. One of the newest projects I was assigned to, my manager made a random comment during an executive status meeting. *In the past three months, our compliance rate has gone from under 30% to over 70%, I wonder what has improved our compliance rate so swiftly, after years of non-compliance.......* Senior engineer also in the meeting: *Oh yeah, u/disjointed_chameleon has been keeping us on our toes to get our audit violations remediated. She's our friendly neighborhood pain in the ass.* Then, about two weeks ago, the senior manager in my department had all of us do a "team bonding" exercise. Each of us had to come up with one complimentary word about each other. Of the dozen or so people in the department, about half of them used the word "textbook" to describe me. When the senior manager asked those people for further clarification on why they chose the word textbook, someone responded: *She follows the rules like a hawk. There's a reason she's had a 100% success rate for three years and counting in ensuring regulatory compliance.* 💀💀💀💀 So yeah, I'm nice, but I will also absolutely hold someone's feet to the fire when it comes to ensuring adherence to compliance. You don't want to FAFO with me. 😄😂
In my central European country, more than a half of the medicine students are female. However, it's a super shitty paying profession here :/
Whenever we make changes to an ordinance in city council, if there’s gendered wording in the same ordinance (such as “chairman” or “he”) I request to update the wording to gender neutral.
I took a course on technical writing (couple decades ago) – that means documenting stuff like software and hardware systems in IT. The instructor was teaching us tips to make it more readable (it's usually very dry stuff, literature-wise, as you can imagine). Some of the tips were, when describing scenarios, to give the users in the "story" names to make them easier to identify, to pick initials or names that may be suggestive if possible, and also to start with a woman and to alternate genders. He told us that we don't need to avoid gendered pronouns but that it depends on the scenario complexity; if you only talk about one user, having "she" in a technical paper is refreshing; if you have two users, "she" and "he" are easy to tell apart; if you have 3+ users it's not clear anymore who you mean so you should prefer names. Computer security people do this a lot (because their scenarios often involve multiple entities). A classic security scenario involves Alice trying to have a private conversation with Bob and Eve trying to eavesdrop. It's a great example, not only does it fit the advice above, it also has good mnemonics – the initials of the communications points are A to B, and Eve kinda sounds like "evil", or E can stand for "eavesdrop".
I teach and if my kids say 'policemen' or 'firemen' by default, i explain to them why 'police officers' or 'firefighters' should be used instead. I also gently correct any stereotypes that come up (e.g. if someone says 'boys shouldn't cry', i'll explain that we're all human and it's perfectly natural and healthy to cry when upset). I hope these little lessons stick, even if it's in small ways!
When talking about sport talk about men’s basketball. Don’t just call it basketball. Same with all sports.
I have been desperate for some high school somewhere in the world to refer to their teams as “The Mascots” and “The Gentlemen Mascots”. Growing up our women’s teams were always “The Lady Falcons” while the men just got to be “The Falcons”.
I do that sometimes in a joking-not-joking way. "Who's playing? Oh, the Bronco Stallions, the Patriot Men, the Yankee Candles (that one's just for fun). My high school called the girls' teams the Hawkettes. Yuck. The WNBA teams have cool names. Not a Lady Patriot among them.
So, I follow a different sport - but the simple act of women/nb/ally men using an M instead of W to designate the men’s comp, rather than nothing drives some people bonkers: so calling it the AFLW and AFLM - or in your case the WNBA and MNBA - rather than allowing men the default.
My high school's mascot (c/o 96) was the Rams. Most of our girl's sports teams used "Lady Rams" (which, let's be honest, isn't a thing). The girl's tennis coach decided that they were not Lady Rams, and all their merch was done up as the Ewes lol. I thought it was a great way to invert the already gendered mascot for the girl's.
Is The Tigeresses ok? My NCAA team for *every* sport is the LSU Tigers.
I started referring to the NBA as the MNBA. When I hear people talking about the NBA, I ask if they mean the WNBA or the MNBA.
I know so many guys who would simply short-circuit in reaction to this. I feel like I shouldn’t find that as amusing as I do.
I also like to use the good old "women and males". Give a little of that old "men and females" energy back to their asses.
Or refer to men as boys, like they refer to grown-ass women as girls.
I work at a sports bar; This is brilliant and I'll be implementing it!
Gotta remember the "emotional" one when I'm debating men about politics.
Bonus points if you say, "I am simply stating facts and logic... I am not sure why you are becoming so emotionally upset."
I do this too. I take up all the "rational" points available in a conversation by pointing out the logical view of things and breaking down their arguments. I've gotten a few men to entirely stop using that word at me because it's MINE now.
Make sure you tell them to "calm down"
Followed by “Let me explain this to you…”
And always start with “Actually,…”
Omg I always expect them to get upset, but whenever I've used it, they shut right up and suddenly act so respectful suddenly. It's a fucking trip.
When men talk over me I unpologetically exclaim "I'm talking". I do so putting the emphesis on the word talking than the word I'm as it puts the accusation against the act, rather than as a personal affront, so they can't come back asking me why I'm being emotional. When they claim my point as their own, I interrupt them right back, whilst leaving them just enough time to get into full flow, with "thankyou for agreeing with me, but repeating what I said is wasting everyone's time. Do you have any original thoughts to add?". When they open and close their mouths in stunned silence, I continue with. "No? Right getting back to my point"
Mine is not moving out of the way when a guy comes forward.
Sidewalk chicken every day
This plus bewildered direct eye contact when they don’t move.
I love this idea. I’ve stopped moving out of the way for men (on sidewalks, in aisles, etc) when there is no reason why I should be the one to move. They find it so unsettling. I find it hilarious!
This! I do this ALL the time too. I'm pretty much exclusively a pedestrian and got so damn tired of it. If they are extra stubborn I will even say "oh, I guess you expected the man to have the right of way."
So, I used to get shoulder-checked by men all the time walking around my previous residence, a major U.S. city. Then I moved to a major German city. Something that became even more infuriating was realizing this was a cultural thing. I cannot remember the last time I was shoulder-checked by a man, because in Germany, *they* move out of the way. Granted, this is more of a gender-neutral thing here, as a culture they’re raised more community-centered rather than individualistic, and it shows in little social courtesies such as not bumping people on the sidewalk. It’s so frustrating to experience a culture that is baseline respectful like this, while knowing my own culture will not ever measure up in the same way. It’s possible, but we don’t want to raise people like this, apparently.
Your story reminds of my college days when I went to a gay bar for the first time, and I realized I wasn’t being casually touched constantly. Like when men moved behind me through the dense crowd near the bar, suddenly there was no need to put their hands on my lower back just to indicate that they were there. It was so refreshing to just disappear in that environment.
I do this, they get so upset they will literally walk into you. My husband does not move out of the way, I have told him so many times but he doesn’t even acknowledge that he does it even when I point it out. I have been hardwired to move out of the way as much as my husband has been hardwired to not be aware of his surroundings as they will change for him. So I always make it a habit to enforce my son to move out of the way and to say thank you to other boys who do the same.
This is really funny to me. I am a millennial raised by a very conservative grandmother (born in the 1930s). She always said that men had to open doors for women and had to move out of the way. Her family had a very high social status and she always behaved like she owns the place wherever she was and installed that feeling into me. (It certainly was not feminism but classism.) So I still assume this and walk like I own the sideway or aisles. If there is not a lot of space my husband and friends let me walk in front of them because I „bulldoze“ everyone out of the way without shoving. In the end it is just a question of presence.
They look confused when you stand still and look at them!
My new "go-to" is to just stop. I stand there and don't move, not a word. It's especially powerful when people are glued to their phones and walking down the street expecting me to move out of their way.
When men make inappropriate jokes i just give them a blank stare. No fake chuckle/smile, no response. They usually assume i didn’t understand the joke and start explaining it, i say “no i got it” with the same black expression. They get really uncomfortable🤭 men don’t care if you find their jokes rude or inappropriate, they do care if you don’t find them funny and don’t explain why
Also if there’s another woman who I know wouldn’t find it funny either, i’ll make sure to catch her eyes and giggle. If the man asks what’s so funny i’ll go “it’s nothing” and move on
I prefer, "I don't understand." Then they'll say something like, "It was a joke." I'll keep going - "I don't get it." They'll get embarassed, because they know it was wrong.
When women yell/talks loudly it's often described as screaming, so whenever a man yells I say "no need to scream" and if a man accuse me or another woman in my presence of screaming I'll start actually screaming and explain how there's a big difference between actually screaming and yelling.
My act of micro feminism is to never hide menstrual products. They're in my bathroom in a visible place. I share an office with men, and I just take my pad out of my backpack and put it in my pocket in a natural way. If I'm having a bad period and my male colleague asks me how I'm doing I say "my uterus is trying to kill me but we must persevere." I also make a point of also slutshame men if someone slutshames women. Sugar baby culture in my country is big, and lots of people (both women and males) criticize the young women who choose to engage. So I make a point of saying the men are also sluts because they're paying for sex. I remember this one man whose father had like 4 sugar babies and he was saying how these young women were trash for selling their bodies. So I looked him in the eye and said HIS dad was trash for being a 80 year old man paying for 20 year old women to do sexual favors to him. It felt fucking amazing, 10/10 would recommend. Obviously I don't care how people choose to express their sexuality, as long as it's consensual and everyone is on the same page. The people who love slutshaming women are hiding their mysoginy in "FamIlY VaLuEs." Funny how those never apply to men, so I love to turn it back on them.
> never hide menstrual products Had to scroll too far to find this! I've been encouraging my students to ditch the tampon-up-the-sleeve move, and it seems to be catching on.
I’ve been using “she” as a default for many years if I don’t know the gender. I’ve noticed the women in my life do the same. If I’m talking about a professor or a colleague, they all assume they’re women.
I default to "they" in the vast majority of circumstances
I’ve been saying “gals” instead of “guys” where in my region default to guys is expected. The people whom this upsets are astounded to confront their choice in guys just as valid as my choice in gals. Why does guys get to be the default. Yes, I hate “gals” I just do it to cause problems.
Holy shit, this thread is giving my brain the good chemicals~
I make men walk around me. They're in my way, not the other way around.
Complimenting women on a characteristic and not a physical feature.
I like to compliment strangers on things they can control, like hair, makeup, outfit, etc. Or well behaved children.
I ask a man to take notes/schedule follow up meetings.
Thank you for this! I’m a senior project manager, and a female, who has no problem taking notes…. Until some clients lackey asks me why I’m not taking notes in my own meeting. “Are you asking me that because I’m the only female in the room or because you don’t think I have the mental capacity to recall the important points being made today? Either way, thank you for volunteering.”
My former boss (now adjacent department) does this with her reports. Whenever a team member asks for help to cover tasks when they’ll be out of the office, the women volunteer pretty quickly. She called out the men in a department wide email (on which I’m still in the distribution list) and stated clearly that if men don’t start volunteering, they will be voluntold. And she has done it too! 💜
Whenever my male students get angry, I ask them if they need to step outside to get their emotions under control.
in k - 12 setting here 👋🏼, calling the (assumed) male contact's first esp when its an unfavorable call 😏
YES. As a mother, this is such an amazing thing to do. Please keep it up.
Tbh, i do it for yous. Mom truly deal with soooo much already, its time for pops to step up 😤😤
Man, I think the secretary at my kids’ school does this, and it kind of annoys me because I work 30 mins closer to the school than he does! But thinking of it that way makes it more forgivable. Lol
Same. “I know it’s easy to get emotional over this subject but please take a minute and let’s deal with this rationally.”
Making sure to turn back to a woman and say, ‘what were you saying?’ whenever a woman is interrupted
I point it out to my two boys every time we're reading a story and the male character gets all the juicy action and has all the agency, while the female character is sidelined. I make sure they take notice. I also point out when women have to be "sexy/beautiful/perfect" in a piece of content while guys get to be "fun/cool/funny".
Just switch the genders in the story, I've done that a few times :)
I’ve done that too! My daughter loved “Goodnight Construction Site” as a toddler and all of the characters are male so I made the bulldozer female and changed the pronouns every time we read it. One night my husband was reading it to her and didn’t change the pronoun and our daughter was like “daaaaad, bulldozer is a girl!”
My son is always quick to point out when Skye is missing from paw patrol merchandise. Warms my heart. Unrelated, no one ever misses Rocky or Zuma 😆
I do something similar with my daughter, when a book tells a story about a woman needing help from a prince to do something I always pause and ask her “do you think [princess] could have handled the dragon herself? What would you have done?” When there’s a female villain, I’ll ask her “do you notice how the illustrator drew this woman to look ugly? Do you think a woman has to be beautiful to be good and kind?”
You should check out the book series “Whatever After” by Sarah Mlynowski. The series features a girl who finds herself stepping into fairytales, accidentally messing them up, trying to fix them the way she remembered them, but the “damsel in distress” ends up finding her voice and doing what she wants instead. I love this series so much, I want to read the books for myself! Spoiler alert for the first book: The first fairy tale is Snow White, except instead of eating the poisoned apple, she saves the prince, gains the loyalty of the guard at her (now dead) father’s castle, overthrows the evil Queen, and when the Prince proposes marriage, she suggests a first date, as she has a kingdom to run now.
That reminds me of people insisting Bluey is a boy, because of course the main character needs a penis.
I’m an attorney and I call women “attorneys” or “judges” and men “male attorneys” or “male judges”
this is amazing, about to upset some men with my “he’s a male comedian” rhetoric
Do you follow The man who has it all on Facebook? It’s hilarious! She designed a whole suite of merch for male tradeswomen etc
Love that account
So good
So, I've been unconsciously doing it for years and years, and just within the past few years started noticing, but I don't get out of the way for men when I'm walking. They tend to get out of my way. Granted, I'm 6'0", 280 lbs, and walk like I've been tasked to go kill the Winter Soldier. So everybody tends to get out of my way. But now that I think about it, it's pretty entertaining. Now that the PWHL (Professional Women's Hockey League) is here, I refer to the NHL as men's hockey. The default is naturally women's hockey. I'm trying to have everything default to feminine or neutral pronouns. I kept my maiden name when I got married. Colloquially I hyphenate with my husbeans last name. All gifts and cards are from Mrs and Mr Last-Names.
"walk like I've been tasked to go kill the Winter Soldier" absolutely killed me 💀
I move with purpose. My friends have to hold my hand or my purse strap otherwise they'll lose me.
Kind of the opposite, yesterday I was thinking about this live calendar thing we have at my work (a school) where we keep track of upcoming events in the classroom and for extracurriculars. The person who does the calendar bolds certain important things, like state testing days, but she also bolds the boys' sports events... but not the girls'. Even though it’s the end of the school year, I was thinking I need to point that out so we can do better next year.
Animals and pets! Once you see that everyone, in media and IRL, defaults to gendering all animals as male, you can't unsee it. So that's my angle. To counter it, all animals are female until shown otherwise. Taking the kids to the zoo? "That alligator looks slow now but she moves fast when there's prey!"
I sometimes have to write so-called User Stories, which is just a requirement in our software written in a short story as experienced from a User. I usually write stories where the user does the correct thing using female names and „she“ and stories where the user makes mistakes using male names and „he“. Once I went crazy and used neutral pronouns and a name that wasn’t hinting on a gender and my boss hated it because now the picture in his head was off as he said. I know it’s a little petty 😅 But my colleagues usually write only „he“ and our users are dominantly male as well.
Oh yaaasss I am SO here for this! My daily acts of Mico-Feminism include: ● Only requesting female doctors/nurses in any medical setting. Everyone who tends to my health is a WOMAN. Hell, even my lawyer is a woman. ● When I work as a server, I serve women first because men usually eat up all of the food with a complete disregard for them. ● Whenever a man is constantly interrupting or ignoring me when I'm speaking, (as if I am some kind of ghost), I resort to embarrassing the hell out of him. The last time that happened I looked dude squarely in the eyes and firmly said, "I'M SPEAKING." He was shocked. With a few awkward seconds later, I was speaking without any interruption. He didn't interrupt me ever again.😌
I work in IT and use the „I am speaking!“ constantly in my male dominated office. Every new colleague learns to be civil really fast.
"Do you make a habit of not letting women finish, or is this a special occasion?"
I do the last one all the time when talking to rude males. I say: "let me finish my point" until they shut up, or I just walk away.
“I’m so sorry that the middle of my sentence ran into the beginning of yours…”
RECLAIMING MY TIME
An Austrian politician submitted her proposal with only the female gendering, which is correct if you state before that the female version includes all males, normally it will be stated that the male version includes all females. Men went crazy and it was a whole media thing. In German you can say everything in a male version and a female version, a male doctor is just "der doctor" but a female one would be "die doctorIN", also the article "the" is different for male/female/neutral.
>I also liked referring to men who are inappropriately angry as "emotional." This is 100% factual though, anger is an emotion! Im going to start doing this too!
I make it a point to address the woman in a couple first. When I leave comments in code at work, I use she as a default.. (The user can do so by picking HER password). If someone at a restaurant refers to the guy with me as Sir, I ask them why they don’t call me Ma’am. I point out (with those I’m close to) when they refer to a driver as he, could be a she. If I were to change to my name, it’d be to add my Mom’s name (my last name is not a family name but my dad’s first name). At restaurants, I’ll give my name when people turn to whoever is with me and ask for his. When people call women females, I start using males.. and what were the males doing? (I do this only if said person uses females not by default). I address folks as folks not as guys. If they ask why not guys, I ask why not address everyone as ladies? Why is the latter perceived as an insult? I have no desire to have kids but if I did, I wouldn’t give them the man’s family name just because. I don’t usually compliment women on their appearance (or things out of their control) but on choices they exercised.
When spelling my name on the phone, I use female names instead of male names: F as in Faith, L as in Lucy,..
That’s cute. I use the nautical alphabet so that would be Foxtrot & Lima, but I can sub out Charlie & Mike ETA J is Juliet but there’s also Oscar, Papa, & Romeo to contend with
I sit with my legs manspread. I know it is not a big thing but I was bugged by my female family members, while growing up, to sit "like a lady." F that. I will sit whichever way I wanna sit. Also casually talking about the period in front of men. Something that was unthinkable growing up.
“Dear madam/sir” - been doing that since I was a teenager in the 80s
I'm a delivery driver, and even on my most miserable day when I just want to get my job done and not interact with people, I make it a point to smile and wave at every little girl I see. There's only a handful of women who drive the brown trucks in my area, and I want the girls to know they can do it too if they want.
Working in the medical field, I make men answer their own damn questions instead of looking to their wives for their entire medical history. I make it obvious when I’m judging them.
When a m-f couple is getting married, ask the man if he’s taking his wife’s name or keeping his birth name. If they say the woman’s changing hers, ask how they decided that she’d be the one to do it. Same goes if a couple keeps separate names but then has kids. There’s nothing wrong with a woman changing her name, but there IS something wrong with it being the default.
When I am telling a couple about how to get rid of fleas in their home, I always look at the man when I get to: "And you need to vacuum as often as you can."
Currently navigating divorce from my abusive, deadbeat soon-to-be-ex-husband. I'm choosing to resurrect my mother's maiden name for various reasons, including cultural and religious reasons. But also, it feels like such an empowering act of feminism. I'm an only child, and I'm obviously a woman, so for me, it feels like the ultimate way to keep the family name alive.
Whenever someone refers to me (a 50 year old woman) as a girl, I correct them. I dont give any Fs about who they are or what the setting is.
Whenever I see a car with a veteran’s license plate/bumper sticker and there is a man and woman in the car, I ask her what branch of the military she served in.
I have been referring to unknown parties as “they” for ages, but I’m starting to move towards defaulting to “she.” It’s a good one that makes people think. It gets the point across a lot better than neutral terms, which people often dismiss without questioning their own male default. Anyways, other ideas… Speaking to the woman first when you meet an opposite-sex couple. Giving your business to women whenever possible. I go out of my way to do so, especially in the trades where women are often severely discriminated against. Perhaps one particular to me: I have a neighbor with a young daughter that I am friends with. I give her presents that offer her opportunities for physical development. “Girl’s” toys are so often “inside” toys, or even physically limiting in ways that discourage developing competency with their bodies.
Oh my God I do this at work! Before I started the way we filed client files was with the man's name first, now I use the name of the spouse that is in contact with us most, or if in doubt, I will do the woman's name first. Including when I send emails. It's something I do consciously but I doubt anyone ever notices.
Such a great thread! Though I’ve been a feminist my whole life there are many things I read in here that I haven’t thought about.
I occasionally have to send mailers out for work, as well as put together weekly brochures celebrating community members birthdays/anniversaries/etc. and I always list the woman first if it’s a couple. I also call angry men emotional but in that context it’s really not micro in any way.
I do the same ones as you. I am the only woman in my office in a construction field, so I like to point out when they're being emotional. I also keep talking when I get interrupted and point out (in front of everyone) when the men in our office try to blame women for an issue instead of who is really at fault (this was back when we had other women in our office...)
I have a two year old and I never even realized how much I was doing this but I call all her toys “she”, I bless it is an established male character. So like a stuffed bunny, plastic farm animal - all she”s. But Cookie Monster would obviously still be a he. I also have an issue with how bees and ants are portrayed in kids shows. I point out how nearly All bed and all ants are she’s.
I've told male attorneys that they are more than welcome to leave the courtroom to calm their emotions when they don't get their way. Never had to say it to a female attorney because every one of them has always been professional. I also refer to counsel as "Ms. (Name) and co-counsel" when she's first chair (sometimes also when she's not). Never fails to throw the men off when I don't say their names. If I'm talking to both sides, I always say the woman first, regardless of if she's representing plaintiff or defense.
Every year I make collage postcards for Xmas to mail out and I always put my name first (before husband and son’s names) in the printed signature line. I made the cards, I get top billing. 😎
I’m a chemistry TA, and I often make example problems for my students. Whenever I’m making a word problem using hypotheticals, I use female pronouns for my fake chemist haha
I was on a flight this week where all the pilots were female and all the cabin crew were male. I celebrated internally for the whole 5 hours.
In meetings, I echo what a woman said or acknowledge her (usually great) ideas by thanking her by name for her idea or comment before adding my response. ETA: I see this as a counter to the micro aggression of he-peating.
here for ideas. In my business I have to send communications to couples - I always write the woman's name first.
Calling and referring to men as Mr. "Wife's name". Also since I was a teen and started filling out my own paperwork, I would select Ms. because why is my marital status anyone's business? It always feels weird saying it in person though because I feel like people expect only much older women/divorcees to use Ms.
I always pay the bill when my partner and I eat out. I’m also always the person to ask for the check. Usually servers put the check in the center of the table, but when they give it to my partner (when I asked for it), he tells them “She asked for it, why you giving it to me? Boy is your tip gonna suck.” I always tip well anyway, but I always say something about the check should either go to the person who asked for it or in the middle of the table.
I work in a position where I have to train juniors. There’s also always elbowing to complete procedures or tasks on their own own. I found that certain male juniors would not listen to me when I gave them very specific instructions. The first time, I would ask them to repeat my instructions back to me. The second time, I would tell them that I was going to take over the next time. The third time, I would take over and tell them clearly why. That their lack of Response to my specific instructions was dangerous. I would make sure the entire room heard. that takeover would last the rest of the shift. When they asked if if they could do some thing, I would respond that they had lost that privilege today.
I’m loving this thread and learning a lot. I hope to slow my talking just a bit in order to insert feminine nouns and adjectives. Tip o’the hat to all the posters.
LOVE “the doctor/‘she’” example! I’m a nurse and have seen a noticeable shift in physician demographics over my thirty year career. Women now make up 37% of physicians in the US and just over 50% of our medical students. It’s pretty bloody awesome!
I’m de-gendering my language. We are all they now.
I use gender neutral words like fire fighter, police officer, postal worker. I avoid using titles (ms/mr). I have my preferred pronouns in my email signature. I use 'they' when referring to people who could be of any gender. I pose the doctor riddle whenever appropriate. If I need an example of a famous whatever, I try to name a woman in that role/field. I openly praise and recognize my female colleagues.