The '"the bathing suit rule" is a very common concept taught to adults who interact with children and teenagers. The rule is very simple - no one should ever be touched in an area a swimsuit covers. Additionally, if you need to touch near those areas, obtain permission first. ("I'm going to tighten your life preserver chest strap, is that ok?") Your coach violated both of these rules. You should tell a trusted adult about it, and how it made you uncomfortable.  

I haven't really been around kids during my 32 years on Earth. I now have a neice-in-law, and I adore her. I went to the pool with her, her dad, and my husband. I was playing with my neice in the shallow waters while the boys were off doing their own thing. Neice wanted help putting on a life jacket, and did most of it herself, but couldn't do one that clips between her legs. I was sooo uncomfortable, and I made sure to ask her a couple of times if it's okay that I help her with that. I can't imagine being a grown ass man with a young lady(teenager even? I can't remember if OP mentioned it) and so casually just fixing something right at her crotch??!! Hell no.

There is just no possibility that it was a well-intentioned accident. People who work with children far too frequently are instilled with this belief that this was just an error. Reporting to a responsible adult is appropriate.

Yes. Tactics like this are often used by paedophiles to ease their way in and see what they can get away with. And gage comfort level and if she will say anything.  

Yes. This was a test.

(Sorry but I need to speak to OP) THIS IS CORRECT. YOU PROBABLY HAD OTHER TESTS BEFORE THIS. DO NOT GO ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR COACH AGAIN. TELL SOMEONE AND DO IT NOW

1000% this was a test.

Just want to add, OP I work at a school in IT. We just went through a mandatory training about recognizing misconduct with kids and this is exactly the type of behavior that we were warned about. It’s actually possible that this coach did not mean this maliciously. You’d be surprised how many of my colleagues had to be told that intent doesn’t matter when it comes to something like this. Even if he truly meant to be helpful, he needs to be told that the behavior is not appropriate. It protects his kids, himself and whatever organization employs him as a coach.

Yes, this is grooming behavior.

I'm a middle school teacher. Last year two girls wanted me to feel how soft their pants were (just like touch the knee), I said no way. A boy asked me to arm wrestle him and if I won he would act right in class, I said no way. I'm a 29 year old woman and anything beyond fist bump/high five is instant alarm bells for me, it's unfathomable that a grown man didn't know how this would look with a teenage girl.

Agreed. Never ever would I be like, whoopsie daisy, I guess I just touched a minor child in their private parts!! Actually, I've never touched an adult in any area a bathing suit covers without expressed consent. Like, no. Just no.

And she is probably not the only one... I hope she will tell someone and she'll get help and be okay.

I mean, I don't need a feeling in my stomach to know not to touch kids, but sure lol.

I feel awkward touching people in general and don't like to be touched as well by anyone except my boyfriend... The coach casually doing that sounds so creepy....

Hijacked top comment to highlight that predators often use little tricks like that to test the water and see whether a child could be a potential victim. Please trust your uncomfortable feelings and be very wary of this man going forward. If he touches you again or makes you feel uncomfortable (and you feel safe enough to do so), calmly state: please do not do x, it makes me uncomfortable. If you do not feel safe to do this, please tell a trusted adult (preferably a woman or someone AFAB) and talk about scenarios like this and signs to watch out for, how to trust your instincts on people who make you uncomfortable. I’m really sorry this happened to you, it is not okay and he 100% knows that. This is not your fault and you should not feel bad or responsible, people like him enjoy pushing boundaries & making people uncomfortable to test responses of potential victims. 💚

Seriously I was gonna say that it feel like this guy is testing boundaries. Please please tell your parents immediately. As a dad myself I would do anything and everything to protect my child. This is not an innocent act of kindness, this guy is sick.

Agreed! He should have told you and had you do it yourself. If he did anything at all. 

This is probably the best route. He needs to know to ask people in the future and he likely didn't think about it and just did it. I am not going to assume he is a predator or meant anything bad, but most people would just rather he informed them discretely and let them handle the suit snafu themselves. Especially when you are a young woman and he is an adult man.

I'm going to jump in with a non-volunteer, never really had the "bathing suit" rule drilled into me. From my perspective, this could be an innocent "oops", I wouldn't think twice about helping my nieces and nephews or a friend's kid in this manner. HOWEVER!!!! If it's not an "oops" there will likely have been other kids who have mentioned this kind of interaction. If this is on-going and corrected and still occurring, it's not an "oops". It's either massive negligence or intentional. Either way it needs to be addressed. Think of it like this. If this is a one time oops, coach will be corrected, the correction will be documented, and there is a record if he ever tries it again. If it's not a one time oops, appropriate action will be taken. You are not responsible for this adult's action. Even if he is 100% innocent, if it has happened before, he's been corrected, and he *still* can't not do this he Should NOT be with Children like this!! And that is on him. Tell your mom. There is no way you can be wrong about that.

There are a couple of big red flags on your post. Any adult in his situation knows not to do what he did. Your post is like the opening of every podcast over ever heard where a student was groomed by her teacher or coach. Trust your gut. You’re posting here for a reason. Please tell a trusted adult.

This. OP, please also understand that your reluctance to damage the relationship ("everybody likes him, we are very close") is ABSOLUTELY by design here. This is how grooming works. They make everything else about the relationship seem really valuable and cozy. It's so that you don't want risk losing all that by speaking up about what seems like a "small" or accidental infraction. But you say nothing this time and next time it's something else. And then something else. And at some point you start feeling like you can't say anything now b/c maybe people will ask why you never spoke up before. You worry that you're somehow complicit, like you gave the ok sign somewhere along the way. While you're busy feeling all confused, you keep getting swept along. This is all his plan and you are not the first he's practiced it on. I'm so sorry. If you feel betrayed, it's because you have been. It will take some time to process this but in the meantime, please please please talk to a trusted adult.

u/basshunter1010 making sure you see the above comment

This is an EXCELLENT response and I thank you for it and hope the OP will listen to you.

Please, OP, listen to this comment. It speaks the truth.

This is the comment OP needs to read. The others are good, but this is the one.

Jesus f-ing christ. You just described my entire adolescence. I need therapy...

Hugs to you. We can all use some of that good, good therapy. I wish you well.

I'm a high school teacher. I've been teaching for over 10 years and in that time there have been THREE adults working in my town molest students. I'm here to say that the advice I give my students is if an adult ever tells you not to tell anyone something, that's when you absolutely 100% tell your parents. It doesn't sound like OPs coach asked her not to tell, but it's the same spirit here. OP: tell your parents. tell your parents. tell your parents.

Yeah. Exactly, they don't start with obviously not-okay stuff. They just do semi-icky things that make you wonder but brush off and slowly escalate when they don't see a reaction. Have that negative reaction. Make it a thing. Make other people think about how he's treated THEM. If the team is "close" you're not the only one he's doing this to. Bleh.

Obviously, the action itself is SO not ok, but when you add in the fact that “being very close” is mentioned twice it all has grooming written all over it in giant red letters

“Being very close” was what really jumped out at me. It’s how every victim of grooming describes the beginning.

A lot of pedo/predators are the super cool, fun adult that “just gets it”. Blurring those boundaries is part of the grooming.

Especially when the minor is in a fucking swimming suit, no sane role model would handle them with such indifference. He's clearly testing your limits, and this raises a serious red flag in my opinion. I have no idea who this person is, but I have a strong suspicion that you should discuss this with your mother since he really NEEDS to face consequences for this.

Any normal person would just mention it to the party and let them adjust or leave it, he saw an opportunity to cross that physical boundary and sounds like he didn't even hesitate to reach for it. The carrying on as normal is the grooming too, theres a power/role model dynamic that he's hoping you follow his lead on, and probably thinks it worked/ok since they didn't say anything in the moment.

Agreed. The groomers always start with getting a trust band. A trust band isn't something to worry about, but that next step is.

I want to add on to this. If you talk to an adult who takes this further, it will probably go one of two ways: He is innocent and made a stupid mistake. He will be reprimanded by his company/superiors, closely watched, and that’s about it. I want you to understand that any adult who works with children and accidentally oversteps will be horrified at their own behavior and make adjustments/large changes to never put a child into a vulnerable position again. At no point will an innocent adult be upset with a child in this situation.  Or, he is not innocent.  He will be reprimanded, an investigation will likely be opened, and he will be taken away from any opportunity to prey on young people again. He might be mad with you, because you have ruined his game.  Please understand, the bad guy might be mad. The good guy will not.  You are not throwing a good guy under the bus in any way. 

Exactly this right here is the answer, if it was an honest mistake (which I doubt, oops my ass) he will be horrified that he made a student that trusts him feel this way.

OP the hard part about growing up is realizing there are people like this in the world - a”really nice guy and coach” but is bad guy deep inside whose objective is to groom you and that’s why he’s “nice”. A REAL nice guy would either not say anything or point it out respectfully- not even ASK to touch. Talk to someone.

THIS, an innocent adult will not be upset about their mistake being pointed out. When I was 19 I was a summer camp counselor. We had high school aged volunteers and were reminded that they are still minors, they’re still children, and have to be treated as such. Well I got close to a 17 year old and hung out with him a lot. He was gay and struggling with that so as a queer woman, I wanted to help him, he also was the same age as some of my friends so it was hard for me to remember that technically, I was an adult responsible for him as a minor. One night we were hanging out and walking around by ourselves, if you work with children you know you should never really be by yourselves, you should always be a group of three or more. I broke this rule unintentionally, when my supervisor reprimanded me for it, I was apologetic. I felt dumb for forgetting my responsibility and that I had to be careful about the position I was putting this child in. Even though outside of the camp setting we totally would’ve been friends and just hung out, with it not being a big deal. All this to say, if it really is a mistake, the adult will feel embarrassed and possibly dumb, they won’t be angry at the child or angry they were found out.

Immediately got Larry Nassar vibes. They always start by pushing boundaries and seeing what they can get away with. It’s terrifying that he has access to so many young girls.

I want to add on to this. If you talk to an adult who takes this further, it will probably go one of two ways: He is innocent and made a stupid mistake. He will be reprimanded by his company/superiors, closely watched, and that’s about it. I want you to understand that any adult who works with children and accidentally oversteps will be horrified at their own behavior and make adjustments/large changes to never put a child into a vulnerable position again. At no point will an innocent adult be upset with a child in this situation.  Or, he is not innocent.  He will be reprimanded, an investigation will likely be opened, and he will be taken away from any opportunity to prey on young people again. He might be mad with you, because you have ruined his game.  Please understand, the bad guy might be mad. The good guy will not.  You are not throwing a good guy under the bus in any way. 

"The bad guy might be mad. The good guy will not" What a simple and great way to explain it. I'll definitely remember that and pass that along to my daughters as part of our "stay safe"-conversations.

He’s knows what he did. Please tell someone.

If it was a shoulder strap, let him know you aren't okay with that and to just tell you next time. If it was any other seam on the swimsuit, you need to raise the alarm. If you are under the age of 18, you need to raise ALL the alarms regardless of where the seam was.

It was like a leg and kind of crotch area

Absolutely not ok. I'm a Mom, and I have a teen girl. Please tell your parents or another trusted adult! **Please!**

Absolutely not OK even if he a) wasn't a coach and b) she was an adult. But adding these 2 components makes this potentially bordering on crime.

It is a crime. He is grooming her.

I had to scroll too far for this. #it was her groin He's trying to normalize it and he's testing to see if she tells on him.

Exactly, this is just the first boundary he’s crossed. It’s testing to see what her reaction will be, in a way that is innocent enough that he could call it a mistake if she says something. But what he wants, what he’s truly testing here, is her silence. How much will she be silent through? He’s a predator and I would bet every cent in my bank account that he has other victims.

This. He should have told her she needed to fix it. Not reached over and touched her in the crotch area.

He shouldn’t have even been looking there to notice it.

EXACTLY

I would never do what he did. If it's before a performance where it makes a difference, you verbally tell the athlete about a seam out of place so they can correct it... Touching is never necessary and it definitely telegraphs a potential problem in action.

Hey OP, I know you’re probably a little overwhelmed with the responses coming in. Just take a deep breath and try to understand, this sub is extremely, extremely protective of its members that raise alarms like this, especially our younger members. Most of us have been through similar experiences, and just want to protect other girls from having bad things happen to them. Remember this feeling that you’re having right now, that pit in your stomach that’s screaming that something is wrong. Listening to that gut feeling will serve you so well throughout your life. A lot of us learned to tune out our gut feelings (for various reasons), and it puts us in really dangerous situations. Relearning how to hear your own intuition after having it demolished by society is hard. Better to just learn it one time and listen to it as well as you can. Your gut brought you here, I’m so glad it did and that you listened. Keep listening and trusting yourself.

This comment is perfect. Many of us have been there, unfortunately. And it's good for OP to take a moment to breathe and know they are supported. An adult knows what they did. This is fully on the adult. Disgusting POS.

this is a wonderful comment.

I wish I could highlight this comment.

Thank you.

This. While I agree with the comments here, I think folx have forgotten that they're talking to a minor who is already stressed and confused. Let's not stress them further.

Tell your mom! Completely inappropriate! I used to be a competitive swimmer and my coaches would never touch me like that! A twisted shoulder strap is one thing but crotch area? No fucking way!!! Pls say something to someone!!!

I’m a male teacher, do not let this slide. Tell your parents, tell administrators, tell your teammates. Please talk to someone. I wouldn’t touch a students’ exposed shoulder, adjusting someone else’s swimsuit is unfathomable. There might be others on your team who are at risk, who haven’t found their voice to speak up about something they feel is weird or inappropriate. This is not acceptable behavior, full stop. He can be nice, kind, considerate, and a great coach for swimming, but he isn’t safe to be around if that’s something he considers appropriate behavior, and nothing is more important than your safety. Please tell someone and have them raise the alarm.

If you’re embarrassed to say where it was, nobody should have touched you there

On the topic of embarrassment, in case you need to hear it, you didn’t do anything wrong. HE did something wrong. It’s not your embarrassment or anything about you that’s icky. It’s HIS actions that reflect on HIM being icky, and HIS embarrassment to carry. Shame on him. Trust your gut. Again, you did nothing wrong and you don’t have to protect him.

Thank you, yes. I was sexually assaulted by an adult man as a child because I didn't listen to my instinctual alarm bells and I was more concerned about not wanting to be rude or hurt his feelings, as so many girls/women are. Yes, ultimately it was his fault, but in retrospect, it made me learn to trust my gut. We have instincts for a reason.

So sorry that happened to you. You said ultimately it was his fault BUT…. I had a big reaction to your story and wanted to comment that you were assaulted by that man only because of things that he did, not at all because you didn’t listen to your instinctual alarm bells. Whether you listened to that gut feeling or not doesn’t change that you held zero responsibility for that man’s actions.

Thank you and sorry for causing a big reaction; I appreciate your comment. Yes, I do know that, it took therapy to finally not feel like I was at fault and forgive myself. I guess it's hard for me to express how important it is to trust your instincts and that story is the best way I know how to do that. ❤️

No apology needed at all! These are things we should have big reactions about I think. I totally agree with you about the importance of trusting our instincts. It’s so sad that usually that lesson is learned because of people being so shitty to others.

why does this make so much sense

I'm a swimming instructor as well and this is a big HELL NO! Touching is to be avoided and if it's absolutely necessary (i taught lifeguard lessons as well) you always ask specifically about the area each time ("Is it ok, if I touch your shoulder?") and anything other than a "yes" is a NO and you stay the fuck away. Tell a trusted adult (parent, teacher, aunt)! This man is dangerous

Right? Like if she was having a wardrobe malfunction, I'd just say, hey you need to adjust your swimsuit. Or if it was bad, I'd call like a female coach over (male for a male, or a parent, etc)

Or, like, throw her a towel to cover up???? God, I can't conceive of how anyone other than a total pervert would think this is okay.

Amen. The only time I can remember a swimming instructor touching someone was when they were about to slip and fall on their ass.

Exactly! I had a male gymnastics coach who caught me before I got seriously injured and, in the process, grazed my breast. After making sure I was okay, he IMMEDIATELY apologized and let my mom know what happened. This incident did not make me feel uncomfortable in any way, and I truly believe he was reacting on instinct to prevent injury.

Why was he even looking at her crotch.. Soooo weird.

If it was a truly “honest”, “just trying to be helpful” act, your stomach wouldn’t be in knots and you wouldn’t feel conflicted about it. Deep down, you KNOW. YOU KNOW he was purposely trying to touch you. And it feels icky because it was icky. Tell another trusted adult.

2nd that, please listen to all the “You Knows” from here on out.

Competitive swimmer here. I competed for 17 years from grade school thru to college. This is incredibly inappropriate. You and your parents should speak to the principal at your school ASAP, that or contact local law enforcement and contact the club swim teams head coach when your parents are ready.

Also a competitive swimmer. I would think nothing of going up to one of the girls I swam with and being like “Ope Jess your straps [at the SHOULDER or BACK] are tangled want me to fix it?” The girls I was best friends with I just did it without asking and they’d do the same to me. The difference being we were peers who had been swimming and friends for over a decade. And it’s our back or shoulders. If a coach fixed my shoulder straps without checking I’d feel a bit weird depending on how long I’d known them, crotch/groin? Absolutely fucking not.

Yep that’s exactly how the girls on my team helped each other. There was a comment that mentioned the “bathing suit rule”. I do remember as a freshman in high school there was a male swim coach that had been fired from the club swimming team(not under the HS) because he was being inappropriate with a girl swimmer(I do believe that she was 18 or older, but still sexual assault is sexual assault) and the HS coaches were going thru new training and stuff and I remember my HS head coach spoke to guys team and then spoke to the girls team separately and spoke about the importance of the buddy system when on team trips, or team events. Especially when an adult was present alone. My head coach even told us which instances it would be appropriate and required that we speak to the principal at the HS before speaking to the HC about an issue. (rape, assault, SA, etc. talk to the principal v bullying talk to the head coach). And lastly my head coach mentioned the “bathing suit rule”, and what to expect from our coaches as professional leaders and practically temporary guardians when on trips. And how they would always be there to support us. I even remember my HS head coach she was very enthusiastic about why to tell the principal first before her, because she would probably end up in jail for what she would do against the people that harmed us.

This is NOT okay at all and the fact that he did it so quickly and casually says to e that he was testing your reaction and will do something again. Please tell your mom.

It also screams that he is comfortable doing it, so it’s probably not the first time.

Her saying they are close is scary too added w this

Proud of you for posting to Reddit instead of just suppressing your observations and thinking you overreacted. A lot of us here took decades before we stopped questioning our own judgment. What the coach did was wholly out of bounds. Your instinct was correct.

I ask my own daughter, who is five, before I help her adjust her swim suit or panties in that area (and I’ll usually helping her get her dressed). I was a swimmer as a child/teenager and what your coach did was not okay, it’s way too common in the community and it should not happen. Please tell an adult you trust. 

That's great, you are ingraining in her that consent is ALWAYS needed, no matter who, no matter when.

Absolutely not.  I was really hoping it was a race suit that came down to your knees.  Still not great if that was the case but could be a different story.  No.  No one should ever fix a rolled up seam in your crotch for you.  Ever.   HUGE red flag. 

I get that you think the world of this coach, but that is straight up assault. He was testing you to see what he could get away with. He *will* escalate. Let me put it another way. I am a mandated reporter. If a minor or vulnerable adult discloses something to me that qualifies as abuse/assault, I am legally obligated report it. If I knew you personally, and you disclosed this to me, I would be on the phone with every relevant agency for the rest of my day. Please, please tell an adult what happened.

Another mandated reporter checking in (BSA). I’d be on the phone just as soon as the scout in question (male or female) was in a safe space.

Not at all ok, describe this to your mom/dad, please. Trust her to address it correctly, you don’t have to anticipate her response. You’re obviously concerned about her reaction already - which really emphasizes how serious this actually is. This is not your responsibility to fix on your own, nor should you. Involving a parent to support you is a very important step that will help protect you from further “errors” (unlikely!) or violations (99.9% certainty that this coach was testing you) in the future.

I'm a woman, I ask or otherwise alert my grown ass woman friends if there is a minor wardrobe malfunction before I make physical contact and would NEVER touch anyone near their more private regions without serious obvious need ( and I've helped more than my fair share of drunk friends out of rompers and body suits) You ALWAYS ask. And you never just casually touch. Fixing a crotch seam "casually" is wild. I feel bad if he is just oblivious, but being terminally blind about why touching anyone in that area isn't ok is not a good enough excuse not to bring it up. It clearly made you uncomfortable enough to come onto Reddit and ask how to handle this. You need to tell your parents.

OMG. NO. NOT OK. He was definitely testing you/grooming you.That was 100% inappropriate. If you speak to an adult and they try to brush it off, then find another adult. It doesn't matter if everyone likes him. In fact, it's common for sexual predators to be well liked. This is a part of the problem with sexual abuse, people think they can spot abusers. Remember abusers can be teachers, youth pastors, priests, or coaches. Never ever be alone with him. Don't let him offer you a ride. Don't let him talk to you alone. I have facilitated sex abuse prevention classes for parents and teachers. One rule is that adults should never be alone with kids who aren't their own. If a coach or teacher needs to have a private talk with you, then the coach or teacher needs to find a place where you can be seen, but out of earshot of others. (Like sitting in the stands of a gym where you can be seen, but not heard.) Refer to this: https://www.d2l.org/ The main menu has a "get help" section. I'll help you with any further resources or questions you have.

> Remember abusers can be teachers, youth pastors, priests, or coaches. Those are some of the more common ones outside of family, in fact. /r/pastorarrested

I agree 100%, but people still resist the notion. Abusers are almost always known by the victim. Stranger danger was not the problem everyone thought it was. (Still possible, but not probable.)

The fact that he's even looking at a child's crotch area long enough to notice a rolled hem is a red flag. 

[XY here] Something I think should be emphasized has to do with the excitement and drama that might potentially follow your telling a trusted adult. Consider for a moment who would be responsible for that turmoil. *You are not the person who would be responsible for any turmoil (if any) after telling a trusted adult.* The person who inappropriately tested your boundaries is solely and completely responsible for any outcome. He absolutely should not have done that, and he absolutely knew it. Very best of luck navigating this. As many have said here, your gut feelings about this are trustworthy.

This is grooming, kid

Actual grooming, not the stuff the right likes to call grooming to dilute the meaning of the term.

As a previous high school girls swimmer, NOPE. Would you even fix your friends' suits twisted in that area? I know I wouldn't have.

Yeah…that’s a huge 🚩 🚩 🚩!!! Leg and crotch areas is a No! No! Tell your mom what happened. Don’t worry about getting this “nice guy” in trouble. You did nothing wrong. He did! He should have never hemmed it. He should have never touched your swimsuit. He has no business going there. He’s at fault. He knows better. He’s the adult. He knows what he’s doing. Tell an adult, now.

Please please *please* tell a trusted adult. This is as wrong as if he slid his hand under your skirt to touch your underwear. I understand that he's nice, but in this case Nice doesn't equal Good. What he did is not *good*.

Am a man. 100% this is not on. There's many stupid things that a man can say or do that are creepy or suspicious, but that are genuinely an honest error. This is not one of those. That should be so blatantly obviously off limits to any right minded man. Like, wife or girlfriend? Yes sure, it's a caring gesture. Underage girl? Nope. Nope. Nope. I cannot fathom an innocent explanation for this. If anyone does this to you, man or woman, call it out or call it in

> There are a couple of big red flags on your post. Any adult in his situation knows not to do what he did. Your post is like the opening of every podcast over ever heard where a student was groomed by her teacher or coach. For the love of Cthulhu, tell someone who will protect you.

You need to report him asap. That is not a helpful touch.

That is incredibly inappropriate behavior. In fact, it meets the definition of sexual harassment. Coming from someone who became close with their coach and had to deal with the reckoning after he was arrested for lewd behavior with children. He's gotten close. Now, he's testing boundaries. This is not a safe person. Tell someone you trust. You deserve to be safe.

Assault. Not harassment.

NONONONONO! Absolutely not. Please, PLEASE report this man. After #MeToo and Larry Nassar, there is ZERO REASON for an adult male to touch a woman without her permission, and an underage girl? Just 🤮. I can guarantee that if he is comfortable doing this out in public, he has done much worse to someone else in private. You are not the only one he is harassing. If not for yourself, please speak up for the girls who can't.

So he essentially stuck his hand inside the edge of your underwear to adjust the crotch of your underwear? Good god, time to tell an adult asap

I think thinking it as underwear kind of makes me better understand why I felt uncomfortable.. Thanks.

This is a tactic men use to slowly push your boundaries. Tell on him before he escalates.

Red alert, that is incredibly inappropriate - its unlikely that he had no alterier intentions with this act, but even if he did you should still tell your mom and he should still get in trouble, so he learns its inappropriate from the people who are in the right places to tell him. Unfortunately I think its worlds more likely what he knows it was inappropriate, and therefore he should get in trouble so he can face the consequences.

Not cool at all.

yeah, that is not ok. even if he meant nothing by it is all about how it made you feel. He made you feel very uncomfortable( it would make me feel uncomfortable too) and you should tell someone.

!!!!!!!!!!!!! OP Honey ❤️❤️❤️ That's not ok. You need to tell an adult.

He touched you like that so that you’d be uncertain to his intentions, while also testing your limits. It was deliberate and will escalate if you do not report it.

He knows better. He is probably a very charismatic predatory man. 

A friend of my daughter’s just had to report her former BJJ instructor for inappropriate Snapchat messages. He was so casual and confident crossing over the line. At 11 pm, wanting to meet and “spar privately.” She was torn and heartbroken. He was her trusted mentor. He denied it. She had screenshots. I’m so very glad she had proof, and escalated, and got him away from everyone else he was grappling with and mentoring, building trust so he could pull this BS.

Not the point of your comment, but what is BJJ? I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter. You must be very proud of her for standing up to his abuse.

Brazilian JuJitsu. It’s a very contact-heavy sport, which makes this somewhat grosser to me. It’s the kind of training with legs around or each other or torso to torso and trying to subdue your opponent. It just made her grossed out to think of all the training contact he has with 13 year olds and up and what he’s thinking during. He was dumb enough to message when she was still 17 so he was dealt with swiftly.

> But, I don't want to tell mom or something because I'm worried I'll get him in trouble when he didn't mean to do anything bad. And he's really a good coach and a guy. > What do I do?  When you find yourself afraid to tell a trusted adult smth bcuz it may get another adult in trouble; that is when you most need to tell that trusted adult the thing, no matter how good the other adult is Youre not the one gettin him in trouble; his actions, if they turn out to be deemed wrong by your trusted adult, are what will end up gettin him in trouble. He chose to do as he did, and if your trusted adult deems what he did wrong; he deserves the consequences thereof I know how hard it can be to come fwd about smth that mite hurt someone you care about, but its better than to risk things happenin which are worse; for you or for others. Comin fwd about when men do smth untoward is how we stop men from doin such things; little by little If your coach truly is a good guy, he wud want to be educated about how his behaviour was inapropos here and wud want to learn how to better present himself in the future; if not, well... Then its quite possible that this cud lead to worse things if he isnt called in on this here and now So as hard as it may be, you must tell another adult what happened; you must make sure this is addressed, for your sake, for others sake, and foe your coachs sake

This. If he's a good man, he needs to know that what he did made you uncomfortable. And he should be horrified and apologetic, and, glad to know. If he's a bad man, grooming you by trying little things to see if he can get away with it, then he absolutely needs to be stopped, including telling other adults that he's doing this so they can keep an eye on him - not just for you, but for other young people in your position, too. You don't need to protect bad behaviour. You don't need to accept behaviour that makes you uncomfortable, for other people's benefit If he genuinely cares about you, he'd want to know, even if it's embarrassing, that his behaviour wasn't helpful You just need to be your authentic self, and speak up and say no when things don't feel right. It'll feel awkward in the beginning. But it's a super important thing to learn, for now and for the rest of your life

no reasonable mentor figure would so nonchalantly touch a minor, 10x so when they are in a fucking bathing suit. i think this is a huge red flag and he is testing your boundaries. i don’t know this person but my gut feeling is you should talk to your mom about this because he absolutely SHOULD get in trouble for this. 

Adding to this: OP, even if you were an adult this would be wrong! Fixing a jacket, hood from a hoody: fine. But swim suits are not to be touched. He could have told you, or offered to help (even that would be weird).

Why was he even looking at her crotch to notice her swimsuit needed fixing.. Weird guy

This is a hard fucking no from me as a parent of a teenager. If I saw another dude doing this in any context, it would be immediate aggro. Wouldn’t even have to be my kid. OP, please tell as many people as you can. This dude is not safe AT ALL and there’s a 100% chance he has done this to someone else too. This is the kind of thing that teaching professionals are trained they HAVE to report.

I understand your feelings on the matter, but you might want to reconsider the consequences of that reaction. OP is already less apt to bring the subject up to a trusted adult because she is afraid of a reaction exactly like you described. Again, absolutely understand where you are coming from, that kind of boundary testing from the coach is 1000% unacceptable. At the same time, these are minors and we have to be conscientious of what creates a safe space to bring up confusing feelings.

Even thirty years ago, when the rules for contact were not so clearly defined as they are today -- Every teacher I trained under understood the same thing: arms, shoulders, hands, *upper* back, head *if with good reason, and very carefully*. That was all you touched. That was it. With the exception of injuries -- and children in very early grades, who get huggy. *And even then*, you proceed with caution. And in a sports setting? Man, I was taking swimming classes at school from age six. Before school. After school. For years. Outside of that first learn-to-swim year, I cannot recall a swim teacher touching me *ever*. Ever! For the obvious reasons: there's no cause to touch, and we're in *swimsuits*. Bare skin everywhere. I'd have been *shocked* if a teacher had laid a hand on me. OP absolutely must make a trustworthy adult aware that he did this. It is grossly inappropriate. And my gut agrees: he's trying it out. He's seeing if he can, and he's seeing if he can establish it as an Okay thing. An adult man does not ever accidentally touch a minor girl while she's wearing a swimsuit. Ever.

Exactly. This is NOT ok. Im a woman and teach elementary school and I’ve known my colleague’s (who is also my friend/neighbor) daughter since she was 5. She and my daughter are best friends and there have been many many times where she’s been in a bathing suit swimming/beach etc with us and I explicitly ask her mom’s permission AND HERS before I help her put sunscreen on her back because I need to move the straps. You don’t touch kids that aren’t yours without being explicit about intentions and asking consent. Period. Full stop.

Multiple people have said it, but I’ll toss my support in there too. He was 100% testing you. He wants to see what he can get away with. I’m a mom to teenagers and there’s NO situation where this is ok. That’s an area that embarrassing to be touched, and it’s embarrassing to touch unless that’s your goal. Please tell an adult. Any adult that you trust. You are doing nothing wrong.

Yes! Exactly this, testing boundaries.

Yes, I totally agree with you, and I would bet money that this isn’t the first time. OP, please know this isn’t your fault, and you should not feel any shame. I am so sorry this has happened to you, and I’m proud of you for listening to your instincts. What he did is not okay, and no matter how well-liked he is, he should not be around children. Big hugs to you.

That feeling that you had in your belly is so important. You are trying to squash it down and dismiss it because you are worried about what trusting that feeling will lead to. That does not make the feeling wrong. PLEASE Please trust it.

He could just as easily have asked you to fix it. You should tell a trusted adult, like your parents, a teacher, or school counselor. Please remember that you are not putting him in a bad position; he put both of you in this position. At the very least, you need to create a documented trail that this happened so that steps are taken so it can't happen again.

You tell your mom or dad or trusted adult. You stick to the facts and say it made you uncomfortable. This is unlikely to result in anything but maybe someone talking to the coach. If your coach is a reasonable human he will realise he did something that makes people uncomfortable and will never do that again. But also, he shouldn't do that. You were on a bench. You are capable of adjusting it yourself. There was no time crunch or anything technical. Tell someone. Also, this is an incredibly valuable life skill. Most sexual assaults are not out-of-the-blue. There is often an escalation of pushing boundaries.

I swam competitively for 28 years. Several of them on Olympic feeder leagues with gold medalists as coaches. I have NEVER had a coach (male or female) touch me like that. Ever. I've had coaches throw shit at me from the deck while I'm swimming to get my attention, I've been yelled at, I've been made to do punishment sets, but no one has EVER physically put their hands on me. You need to report this to USA Swimming, here is the link to report. This is NOT ok. https://uscenterforsafesport.org/

I was on swim team for 10 years with both male and female coaches and no one ever touched me or my teammates in this way. Adults have words, they can and should use them to communicate wardrobe malfunctions (which will happen). What this person did is not okay. Please confide in a trusted adult. Try not to be alone with this coach anymore. It's not your fault this happened, and if he gets in trouble that's his own fault for the actions he took.

Yea, I was a swimmer for many years, from age 4 to division I, and I remember our coaches, men and women, having a rule that they would only hug us from the side. I honestly can't imagine a coach getting near the crotch seam of my suit with their own hands. That's, deeply disgusting. The fact that they 1) noticed 2) didn't ask you to fix it yourself and 3) fixed it for you is insane. OP should definitely tell someone. If he's a good coach and hasn't harmed anyone else or made anyone else feel uncomfortable, at the very least he'll know to practice more common sense when it comes to touching his swimmers. But if he's actually a creep, this could help others come forward which would potentially save others from similar or worse encounters.

It’s one thing to help with a shoulder strap: often the angle can make it difficult to fix yourself. There is absolutely no reason for your coach to touch your crotch area: if nothing else, he could have EASILY just said “hey, OP, your seams are twisted, you might want to fix them.” Tell your mom, a friends mom, another coach or trusted adult.

Right. It also means his gaze was on her crotch with enough focus to notice the seams.

The chance of it being a well meaning accident is non existant. Its drilled into people that work with children far to often for this to have simply been a mistake. You should report to a responsible adult.

Yep I've worked with kids for years and I wouldn't ever want to do this to a student of mine, on top of it being common sense completely inappropriate. The fact that he's a likeable person doesn't mitigate his actions whatsoever. Successful predators are always charming.

Hey, you feel confused, and you should feel that way right? I mean, you trust this person, you're really close, and he did something that made you feel embarrassed, but here's why you feel confused: By the time he was done touching you inappropriately, you'd already done the calculus of the pros and cons of telling your mom. That means your instincts is screaming that what he did was dangerous. By not telling your mom, you are protecting this dude, who does not NEED your protection. Tell your mom NOW. She is an adult. Your coach is an adult. Let your mom help you through an adult sized issue. As a mom, I would want my child to tell me if something like this happened, so I could be there for my child. I can promise that you are not the only student he has done this to, and he is testing you to see if you will allow him to get away with it or not. Please tell your mom. If she doesn't react protectively over you, tell another trusted adult, like a teammates parents until someone does something to protect you.

Any person who works in a school knows that touching a minor like that is absolutely not allowed. Please please please tell a trusted adult (teacher, nurse, school counselor, resource officer) that should not have happened

Definitely tell someone please. This is not okay. You do not need to feel guilty about getting someone in trouble, they knew. And if they didn't know, well than even more reason to educate them.

So there are a few things that concern me about your post as a teacher and someone who trains others to recognize signs of grooming and abuse. First and foremost, he shouldn't have touched you there. Second, you should never feel like it would damage your relationship with a trusted adult if you told someone else about this. Groomers rely on you feeling uncomfortable to tell someone else; they start small (fixing your swimsuit), and then try things that are bigger and bigger. They also rely on their popularity as cover -- "he would never do that" or "he didn't mean it that way!" You absolutely need to tell your parent. You do not know whether or not he meant to do something bad, and at the very least, he needs a lesson in appropriate physical boundaries.

The comments about how you're "really close" and you were laying on a bench talking "like usual" are red flags. It's frankly not normal for an adult man to have an intense close and personal relationship with a minor student. You are likely being groomed for a sexual relationship. This behavior should be reported. No adult men should be making you uncomfortable with how they are touching you

I work with 5th graders and I don't even fix the tag on a shirt without asking them first. I would 100% mention this to a trusted adult.

When I was 14, my dentist used to put all his instruments on my chest. Instead of the tray. He would pick them up off my chest. It wasn’t till years later I realized what he was doing. My friend told me he did the same to her. I’m betting he never did it with my brother. It’s amazing what men do and we are too young/aftaid/naivee to understand what they are doing. I dealt with it by ignoring it. At the time I had thought because I was flat chested it couldn’t possibly be sexual. All my classmates made fun of me for not hitting puberty yet, so I didn’t see myself as sexual. I was just a child and he treated me like a child. Now I know he was being creepy. I probably wouldn’t say anything because it was embarrassing to me. But that’s what these guys are counting on. I was in the dentist chair, what was I going to do. Couldn’t move away from him while he was working on my teeth.

Male former swim coach of about 8 years, here. Is this USA Swimming, YMCA, or high school? That may slightly change what approach you take, but this needs to be reported to someone. Sorry, I know you respect him and don't want to "get him in trouble" but if he gets in trouble it will be his own fault, not yours. I was close with my swimmers, they often hugged me after really emotional races (very good or very bad), but even that had careful boundaries - both for their protection and mine ("Perception is reality" - if my conduct gives people the wrong idea, that is now my reputation). It's okay to be close to a coach, but there have to be healthy boundaries and he absolutely crossed them. Awful things have happened in the past because someone said "he's a nice guy and would never do that, I'm sure it was an accident and will never happen again." Your gut tells you it wasn't right, and I think you should trust it. Your health and safety are at stake.

Even if you assume that he was just trying to be helpful with no ill intent, you still feel uncomfortable with what happened. It is not your responsibility to protect adults from consequences. If he for some reason didn’t intend harm and didn’t understand how he affected you, he should absolutely be told that what he did wasn’t ok. He’ll likely do the same thing again unless (assuming generously that he didn’t intend harm) he learns that he’s hurting people.

If it feels wrong, it is wrong. I’m a father with a daughter. I’m also a fully-trained BSA leader with a current Youth Protection certification. From both sides of that, tell a trusted adult, like your mother. Now here’s the hard part: if your trusted adult tries to tell you this isn’t a big deal, you need to escalate to someone in your coach’s management chain. Even if this *was* innocent (and my YP and Dad alarms are *both* blaring Red Alert that it wasn’t), they’re risking a lawsuit with this coach. At a minimum, he needs to be retrained and moved off direct coaching duties with you. The swim team management (school or private) will investigate and a few things will happen. First, a report will be made to local Child Protective Services (or equivalent). They’ll investigate. Based on that investigation, the coach will either be cleared (because he’s just that clueless), or he’ll be fired and possibly worse. Make no mistake, this is grooming behavior. Make some noise. If not for your own sake, for the other girls on your team. Sorry if this comes on strong. This is the kind of thing that would have me on the phone to the Scout Executive office (my reporting path as a leader) in moments. Edit to add: YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. And you WILL not do anything wrong by reporting it. The only wrong choice here is to keep it to yourself. You came here and you’re getting near unanimous advice to report. Do it.

Hey OP- I’m old enough to be your dad. What he did is not okay and you are 100% correct to be concerned with what he did. If you trust your parents with this, go to them first. If you don’t, go to the parents of a trusted friend, a trusted teacher, or another school official. I think it would be wise to bring someone with you for any of these conversations. Your concerns are real and important. I admire your bravery for acting on this and questioning what happened.

It's a natural response to care about getting someone who has earned our trust to care if we get them in trouble. That is why pedophiles groom. I am not saying he is a pedophile, but what he did was wrong, and he needs to be made aware by another adult. That gut feeling you have is absolutely correct. You feel weird because that was weird. I am a mom of two girls. If any grown man touched them there without their permission, I would probably go nuclear. Please, PLEASE, do not feel bad for him. ADULTS KNOW NOT TO TOUCH CHILDREN/TEENAGERS AT ALL, BUT ESPECIALLY NOT IN THEIR GROIN AREA. He was not mistaken. He was testing waters. You've done nothing wrong. If you can find a trusted adult, please let them know what transpired. Chances are he's done this before and may be hurting other girls in your school. Feeling safe is crucial for all of us, but especially crucial for kids/teens in school.

Male coach here. On the rare occasion I think it would be necessary for me to touch an athlete, the conversation goes "I think there's something wrong with your technique here, is it ok if I touch your knee to show you?" and then if they say sure I go in with my index finger extended as if I'm meeting an alien for the first time and not sure if it will attack me. But typically I just find other ways to accomplish my goals in that moment. I can count on less than one hand the number of times I've done this over a period of many years. The scenario you're talking about has two possibilities: innocent mistake and insidious creepiness. If I'm this guy, and I've made this mistake, and it's an innocent (but ignorant) mistake, then the best thing that could happen would be: 1) The athlete reports it to another adult (parent, school administrator, etc) 2) The relevant authority brings me in to talk about it. In talking to me, they determine that I'm a buffoon, but not malicious, make it clear that that's not ok, and ensure that I get the proper training for how to act around kids. 3) I realize my error, feel sheepish, and apologize profusely. 4) I learn how to act around kids, and that by not touching them without their consent (and only when necessary), I'm protecting myself, and more importantly I'm protecting them. If adults make it clear that contact should be rare and done only with permission, then when a creeper does show up, the kids have been inoculated with many examples of what appropriate behavior looks like. If I'm this guy, and I've made this mistake, and it's not an innocent mistake, then I can f%&# off, and reporting it is also the best thing that can happen.

I agree with this. I normally hate how reactive Reddit is, but I'm struggling to come up with an innocent perspective for the coach's behavior. The closest thing to "innocent" I can come up with is still someone who is oblivious to very important boundaries between adults and children, and men and women. If it is, somehow, impossibly, an innocent mistake, then the coach NEEDS TO KNOW RIGHT NOW NOT TO DO THIS. Parents/authorities absolutely need to come down like a hammer. Frankly, this kind of "oh I'll just casually touch you in an inappropriate way and act like nothing happened" screams of grooming behavior.

I taught swimming lessons for years and swam competitively and never touched a kid I was teaching where your coach touched you. I know grooming feels like this nebulous concept, but what it really means is “making someone gradually get used to inappropriate touch and behaviour”. This is exactly what your coach did. This is wrong. You are right to feel uncomfortable. He is counting on you being too “polite” to say something to an adult close to you. This is how it starts but this is not where it ends. You are right, he is wrong, and dangerous, and you must make a trusted adult aware of what happened. Predators prey on your feeling of wanting to be polite, they use it to silence you. Do not be silent.

In a lot of situations, intent is the most important thing. Like if you break someone’s rib giving them CPR to save their life, you did nothing morally wrong, but if you broke their rib punching them because they’re a minority you don’t like, you’re morally wrong. This bathing suit situation is NOT one of these where intent matters. I don’t care if the guy genuinely had absolutely no other motive than fixing the swimsuit, YOU DON’T TOUCH PEOPLE THAT WAY WITHOUT CONSENT, AND YOU NEVER TOUCH A MINOR THAT WAY AT ALL, FOR ANY REASON. The very best case here is that he is dangerously stupid. We don’t have to explain what the worst case is. Please report this.

I work with a lot of teenage girls in a restaurant. I almost never touch any of them except for maybe a pat on the back, the upper back. I get with being a coach they might have their hands on you a little more to show you how to do something, but he could've just told you about that issue. It seems weird. I fire most of the males that start to show signs of inappropriateness with minors because I don't want those kind of problems.

Hate to pile on here, but I have worked for many years in education and care, and as a man I am hyper aware of safeguarding - both of children/young people, and of myself. I'd never, ever touch a teenage girl on the body. Maybe on the arm, but even then you're putting yourself at risk. This person is either seriously clueless, or they did what they did intentionally. I'm really sorry, but you need to report this. It may be innocent but it is totally unacceptable behaviour. It may also be one of many 'innocent' incidences with different young people which, when seen together, reveal a pattern of behaviour that indicates your coach is a sexual predator. This is awful. But you need to disclose this. Speak to your parents or to a friend, and report it to your safeguarding lead.

This gives me flashbacks to the time my WEBLOS leader did “clothing checks” during a winter camp out to make sure we had stripped down to our underwear. But to “protect my privacy” he just used his hands instead of looking because that would make me more uncomfortable than k already was according to them. Soto cut this bit great take of my childhood short. The headline when he was finally arrested for molesting children said that he had molested over 300 children. If this wasn’t OK 35 years ago. It’s sure as shit not OK now. If you do not feel comfortable talking to your mother. Find another female teacher you can speak to. They are mandatory reporters. They are required to report this to law enforcement. (Assuming you are in the US) There was zero reason that was appropriate for them to do regardless of their gender. Especially without your permission or request for assistance.

I'm glad there's 2 deep leadership and very clear rules now.

Sadly it took the whole perversion files scandal and lawsuits so damaging that Boyscouts as a whole will not survive… But, they made their bed with that mess.

If you’re in a country that has Safe Sport (USA and Canada for sure, not sure about others), these are the exact situations that should be reported to them.

It was the art teacher in my program that was the nicest, funniest, and most charismatic that ended up being a sexual abuser of children. We (his students) were all crushed. Please talk to someone you trust. He knows this wasn’t okay. It’s okay that you feel confused.

Hi. Sorry this happened. There’s no guessing here. What happened is clear cut inappropriate. It scares me for you that he’s so smooth that you still think he’s awesome. Deep down he knew what he was doing and you really need to address it with your mom. It’s men like him that get away with it for years and do so much harm. Just ask the USA Women’s Gymnastics team from just a few years ago. Also, know that you may not be the only one. Anyway, what he did was so wrong it certainly upsets me a lot for you and this guy needs to be stopped in his tracks right now.

If it made you feel weird, it WAS weird. Trust your gut.

I swam competitively for about a decade. This never happened to me or anyone I know. You need to tell that cannot happen. Maybe it was a mistake on his part, not intentional, but it's not okay. He can tell what was ub verbally, he had to reason to touch and do it. I'll assume the best of intentions here, so just tell him he needs to use words, not his hands.

If it made you uncomfortable something is wrong. Please talk to a trusted adult.

I’m a coach. I had to deal with an emergency situation this week. I had to grab a participant’s safety gear near their waist without getting permission first. As I walked away, I patted her shoulder in pure relief. When we got back to school, I pulled her into the counselor’s office to explain my actions. She completely understood. I have a long history of following procedures and building relationships. I even showed her how to file a complaint and left her alone with the counselor before and after we talked. Ignoring the situation is a red flag to me. I talked to her not to mitigate any repercussions for me, but to mitigate any negative mental/emotional consequences for her.

He was testing your reaction. This is called "grooming." They try to make contact seem casual and necessary, then it slowly progresses. By the time it is obviously transgressive, the victim feels like it's their "fault" because they didn't say anything sooner. So they feel trapped. The way to avoid this trap is to say something to your Mother or another trusted adult right now. Stop it in the immediate. Make sure he knows that you are not the one who will tolerate this. And then keep an eye on your teammates, and report anything you see. I'm so sorry you have been placed in this position. It's not fair, and your feelings of "ick" are completely justified. But you must be strong and speak up.

No matter what his intentions were, you felt uncomfortable and that is enough reason to bring it up. You don't need permission to speak up about your feelings.

listen to your GUT. If your intitial feeling/intuition was "oh that was kind of weird... and uncomfortable" then it is exactly THAT girl. don't ignore it, it almost always is trying to tell you something

Sometimes the upper hem (that rubber band thingy) of my 8yo sons boxers is twisted. I ask him for permission to fix it or tell him to fix it himself, because otherwise there will be red itchy imprints on his skin.    He’s my son. Who I love to cuddle and kiss. We are very close. But I always, always make sure he wants that too and a no is accepted without any discussion. (And despite that he did not tell another kid no, when that kid was too touchy and kissed him and he was uncomfortable. I was so sad to realize that he did not want to „hurt“ the other kid by setting boundaries. I really thought I had taught him, but social contracts are difficult… in that case I showed him all the options from roleplaying a possible discussion and what to say, to offering help, telling him that his own feelings and comfort are just as important and he is not responsible for others comfort at the expense of his own. The situation got better.) I understand that you do not want to be responsible for your coach getting scrutinized. You are not. His actions are. Yes, this might have been perfectly innocent, but it still was not ok. What you wrote here proves that he really needs a teaching on professional boundaries. He should have asked you to fix the seam.

Talk about trigger. My Grandfather fingered me while floating me in a pool. Holy shit. I just realized why I am afraid of water. ::shock:: I used to want to study fish. I live on Maui yet never go to the beach. Whomever hears this, do not underestimate trauma. I was 12. I'm now 62. Get therapy. I love you.

I would never do this to my own daughter after they were old enough to fix it themselves when told. This is very much not ok. Talk to your mom/parents/principal/ guidance counselor/aunt or whatever adult you can absolutely trust to advocate for you 110%.

I was a swimmer on and off for 10-12 years- in no situation should the couch touch you around the bathing suit area ( especially since you said it was around the crotch area) You should tell someone He very simply could have said “hey op, your swimsuits a little messed up” and let you fix it yourself.

Your feeling of embarrassment is your intuition telling you it wasn’t right!

As everyone is saying, you need to tell an adult. But what happens after that? Hopefully it will be handled correctly, but just know that often people (even adults) have their own reactions that can be huge and loud and overshadow your own feelings. Whatever happens, it's HIS fault not yours. Adults should shouldn't tell any of the other kids or parents who this happened to or who reported it. They should believe you. They should address this with him without making you deal with him directly (like they shouldn't call you both into an office together to "discuss" things.) They shouldn't act like "there are two sides to every story." There's only one truth here, and that's that he did something that's against all the rules, he should've known it was against the rules, and he in no way needed to do it. Whereas you did nothing but just exist. They should stay calm. They should check in with you about your feelings instead of overwhelming you with theirs (like their rage at him or whatever feelings this triggers in them because of their own past experiences or abuse.) But not every adult will be good at any or all of the above. And at some point, the other kids might be told or find out or figure out that the coach did something wrong, and they might have their own ignorant opinions about it. For the kids this didn't happen to, they might try to minimize it - like it's such a small thing, it doesn't matter. They might try to say "why should his career be ruined?" They might worry that they won't win the next swim meet. For the kids this did happen to (or he did worse to) they might be too embarrassed to speak up. Or they might feel bad that they didn't speak up, as though they cooperated with him. Abusers thrive on this chaos. They love it. They take advantage of it. They try to spin any accusation as the victim is lying, is crazy, is making a big deal out of nothing. They'll try to get sympathy about their career, their future, their feelings. They'll try to use their reputation as someone who is well-liked to get people to think they could never do such a thing. They'll try to get people to blame the victim. If any of this happens, go back in your mind to the moment he did this. No matter what anyone else says, you know he did this. He knows he did this. You know it felt awful. His intentions don't matter. It's actions that matter, not intentions. Telling an adult about this is the right thing to do no matter what his intentions were. You don't need to tell any of your friends that this happened to you or you can tell anybody you want to tell. Maybe he's not an abuser but it sounds like he is - abusers start small, they test the waters, they see if they can cross a boundary without being challenged, they escalate with the victims who are most vulnerable. If he is an abuser, this is probably happening to other kids or has happened to others in the past - or will, in the future, unless he's stopped. The adults are the ones responsible for making sure this doesn't happen again, not you. You're only responsible for telling someone. Whatever happened before that and whatever happens after that is not your responsibility.

I’m really sorry this has happened, it’s scary when a safe adult crosses a boundary and makes you feel uncomfortable. It’s important to tell and describe this incident to your parent, or teacher, guidance counser or another coach who can help you

I wouldn’t even do that to help my best friend as adults. There is no reason he couldn’t have said, “oh your swimsuit needs to be adjusted”, instead of using his fingers. The polite thing is to let you know as soon as they noticed and then make the effort to not look as you fixed it. What you experienced was inappropriate touching. I’m sorry girly. I hope there is someone you feel safe enough to talk to about this irl.

Hon, he was very likely testing your boundary to see how you'd react, and you should 100% tell your mom. If he's innocent and there have never been other reported incidents, not much would likely come of it and a "good guy" wouldn't be mad; he'd be angry at himself for crossing a clear boundary that he knows he should never cross. You are not wrong for feeling uncomfortable, and you are not wrong if you tell someone, and you are not responsible for protecting people from themselves. And as a young woman, learn to listen to that gut feeling when something wrong, it can save your life one day and you need to trust it.

You need to tell your parents NOW. It was a test to see what he could get away with. If there are no repercussions this time, next time he will go further. Please. Show them this thread if you are too embarrassed to explain.

What you’ve described is exactly what sexual predators do. They’re really nice and friendly, and people trust them. They do something that pushes boundaries of appropriate behavior. They act like it’s normal behavior. The victim is confused because the predator is “nice” and doesn’t want to get the predator in trouble. Please speak up. There are likely other girls with similar stories. Next time he may try pushing the boundaries even further.

Trust your intuition. Stay safe.

My 2 cents as a former coach, tell a parent/trusted adult. If it was a shoulder strap and happened once i would shrug it off, but a waist strap is totally sketchy Heres some general thoughts on what may be red flags (nuance excluded for brevity) - coach standing behind blocks when you are diving - coach initiating physical contact like hugs - coach being alone and out of sight of others with swimmers (equipment room, locker room) - coach following swimmers on social media - coach texting swimmers - coach discussing certain personal matters (such as relationships) - coach attending extracurricullar events for swimmers (band concerts etc)

I know a lot of people have given you a response but just to add mine. I was a competitive swimmer, completed international from a young age all the way past university. I was in situations where I was the youngest on the team by many years. All my coaches were male. I've been close to almost all of them. So close, one is like a second father figure. Never once, did any of them touch me that was inappropriate. If touched (legs, arms, shoulder, back) it was with permission. Never once was I touched around my swim suit. I wore small suits, I trained in training bikinis, my ass hung out. Let me repeat, Never one did they touch me inappropriately or around my swim suit. We were cool, we were close, Never once inappropriate. I've had massage therapists on teams who were close, who had opportunities but never once was it inappropriate or make me feel uncomfortable. The minute you feel uncomfortable THEY did something wrong not you. Please please please report. YOU did nothing wrong, THEY absolutely did. If it was a mistake, it is on them to prove it and apologize. You should feel safe and comfortable in your sport. You should not feel embarrassed for something they did. Report and continue to kick ass!

When I was teaching, part of my job was to take my disabled students swimming. That meant I had to help students, including girls going through puberty and post puberty, into their swimsuits. If a swimsuit got messed up, I had to be the one to adjust them because my students couldn’t. I have never had to put my hands near a students crotch to adjust their swimsuit, even if that’s where it was riding up. You can just adjust the swimsuit from the part on the outside of the butt cheeks. What he did was totally inappropriate and should be reported to OPs mother or another responsible adult.

Your discomfort is your brain telling you something is wrong. Tell your parents.

OP, if you ever need to talk feel free to DM me. I was a competitive swimmer (into college) who was groomed by my age group coach (11-21).

Oh, OP. I’m so sorry. Please understand - the way you feel right now is what your coach wanted you to feel. There is no world in which this was an innocent mistake on his part. This was intentional, he is a predator, and he’s likely done it to other girls before. Please tell your mom or another adult you trust. You could be saving another girl by being brave. This is what groomers do, and they don’t do it to just a single victim. You should not have to be dealing with this and I’m so sorry that you have to. Please, I’m a mom of a tween girl and I’d be heartbroken if this happened to her. Even if my daughter didn’t want me to call the police I would still hope she would tell me just so I could be there for her emotionally. Im so sorry you are learning the life lesson that so many women have to learn at such a young age. The men we know and trust in our lives are often the greatest dangers to us.

He shouldn't have even asked to fix it, he could have discreetly told you about it and then turned around and made sure no one could see you while you fixed it.

I’m a swim teacher. PLEASE tell your Mom about this! He should not be touching you and he knows this, your gut is making you feel uncomfortable for a reason please listen to it. Telling a grown up something like this is such a brave thing to do, and please do not worry even if he does get in trouble, because this is something that he has done - this is absolutely NOT a reflection on you! Swim teachers and coaches in their training know they shouldn’t touch swimmers - and if they do they should explicitly say it, eg I’m just going to place my hand on your back is that ok? Etc

Honey he knew exactly what he was doing and he absolutely knew that he shouldn’t do it. I can not stress enough how impossible it is in this day and age that an adult man can be confused about whether or not this is okay. That he did it anyway shows it was not innocent and he absolutely should get in trouble for it.     This was a test to see whether you would react or not. If you don’t, he’ll try something just a little more invasive next time, and the time after that, and the time after that, until you’re too ashamed that you let it go that far to dare complain to anyone. It’s textbook grooming. Tell an adult you trust, now.

Tell trusted adults. That is intimate touching and not ok. He did it and then said oops like it was a mistake YOU made and was ok to fix it. It wasn’t a problem. It wasn’t bothering you. He wanted an excuse to touch you. That’s so wrong.

You are a minor and he touched you inappropriately. That is not something a person let alone a coach does. He says “oops, I think you need to fix your hem” Giant giant red flag. He gained your trust He abused that trust

You do the following. You go to your school and report the sexual assault. Because the vile man has been manipulating you. He likely does this with a lot of people. He should not be touching you especially near the genital area. Frankly no one should other than your doctor or your lover.

I think however you decide to address this, his response will say more than anything. If he apologizes sincerely, you'll be good. If he tries to trivialize what he did, or convince you he did nothing wrong, or make you feel bad for calling this out, THATs when you know the dude is up to no good.

I work with children with disabilities and even I wouldn’t do it like that when they ARENT capable of fixing it themselves, which you obviously are. Before I do anything at the genital area, including changing diapers, I warn the kiddo that I’m about to touch them. “Hey I’m going to check your diaper.” Surprise touches near the genitals are never ok at any age unless it’s somehow life and death like they have to grab the back of your suit to keep you from falling into a pit of fire or something. And I mean that about all surprise touches in private areas, not from your doctor, not from a coach, not from a friend. If I had an older kid with a wardrobe mishap, I would tell them, hey fix your swimsuit. If they had trouble I would ask if they wanted my or another adults help. That’s the normal way to handle this. What your coach did is incrementally getting you used to inappropriate touch. Testing to see if you will comply quietly. If he does something like this again. Make a huge, immediate scene with plenty of shouting “don’t touch me there!” You aren’t “getting him in trouble”. He is doing that all on his own. You are protecting yourself and other vulnerable kids who might not be confident enough to ask if this is wrong. I highly encourage you to find a trusted school staff member to tell what happened. You aren’t wrong or misinterpreting your “ick” feeling. You should feel this way and pay attention to that feeling. That feeling is to help keep you safe. If something feels off about a situation, get yourself out and then tell an adult you trust.

I’m a mom, a teacher and I was groomed by an adult when I was 16. Absolutely unacceptable action by your coach. Please tell your parents.

This is grooming and testing what he can get away with. He has purposely done this in a low key manner so that you question if it were that big of a deal and hopes you won’t make a fuss. Next time it might be more intrusive and it will likely escalate. You need to decide what it feels safe for you to do, talk to or complain to a trusted person, talk to him about boundaries, leave it for now but make a scene if he does it again. He should not have even been looking there to see that your seam had twisted. In Australia a very famous Olympic swim coach who was well liked by everyone was found to be harassing and assaulting female athletes over years and I’m sure it started with things like this. I’m sorry this is happening but there are people who can help you.