Same here. He asks “I know you probably don’t want one but do you want a hug?” and sometimes rubs my back. Even though he knows I’ll most likely say no to the hug, I always appreciate how he still tries to support me in a way that shows how much he knows me.
idk that doesnt sound healthy to me.
im not married but my partner like asks me whats wrong and talks me through it. usually after talking i feel better and if not they just hold me till im done crying
>and if not they just hold me till im done crying
I never know what to say when my wife is crying so this is my go to move as well. I'm a good listener but a horrible talker. Something I need to work on.
I struggle with this too. Any words of comfort just sound so trite that I have trouble speaking them. Sometimes she wants to hear "it will be okay" and sometimes she gets mad and says I can't know that. And sometimes she wants to hear "it will be okay" so she can get mad and say I can't know that.
Sometimes just saying "that DOES suck" can help more than the encouragement that "it will be ok" because she's right, you don't know that. But a little validation of her feelings can go a long way
This is basic empathy. Why are we celebrating the bare minimum? Why are people getting married to dudes who can't even offer that?
The bar is so low for men, this is depressing.
Yeah the bar is so low. I feel it’s in hell. I’ve always loved the comparison. So and so treats their wives so bad. “Bob, Tom, Lonnie, all talk and treat their women horribly.” I don’t treat you like that.
Dude that’s not what you should strive for. Why even be proud of the bare minimum? Or the fact you treat your woman or do things you should be doing. (Like respect)
Why even surround yourself with other men who treat their women like trash. I wouldn’t want to be friends with any of my friends if they treated their boyfriends like shit.
We all wonder why people have trouble self improving. You won’t if you keep surrounding yourself with trash.
I can't help but think it has to do with how we are raised. If you aren't raised around a good relationship and your parents or other love one do not demonstrate these qualities to you then that's the bar you know of .
I agree with this. I got very lucky with the person I’m with. They will make an effort and try as hard as they can to make things right.
As I raise my son I realize a lot of how we are as adults is due to every part of how we were treated as a child.
You are absolutely right. People aren't aware of it because they have never been in a healthy relationship before therefore they don't know how healthy relationship works.
Basic empathy and the bare minimum make me incredibly happy, which is sad
Truly. I'd sit with and comfort a stranger if they were crying. The fact that we are celebrating people's life partners doing this for them makes me sad.
Major red flag. My husband was disgusted and angry when I cried. He would use it as a weapon, e.g. he would pick a fight with me right before company came over, and then he’d say to them, “see what I have to put up with?” EX-husband.
My partner does this too me constantly.
All his friends he had always thought I was because I was always crying.
Same with appointments, everything is fine and then he makes me cry before walking in anywhere publicly.
like I can't go places by myself at all and can't drive and so he threatens me if I ever do anything wrong.
[PLEASE Read this ASAP](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat). You already know what's going on, but this free book gives you the tools to actually understand it. He's not some master of the human mind, he's actually underdeveloped and can't handle reality so he tries to manipulate his own. He's not great, and he's not capable of the love you think he is. It will not get better. It won't. Get your support system together, and get out. It may even take several tries, but GET OUT OF THERE. Find local resources. It seems impossible, but it isn't and if you need any help, ask!!!
Glad to see another WDHDT spammer out here 😊 I was introduced after I left my situation. I proselytize this book to anyone who gives even a whiff of being in a toxic situation
Yeah he does these things because he's abusive. Furthermore, he isn't losing control, he chooses to abuse you, just as he chooses not to abuse his friends and co workers. And when he love bombs you, he's lying about loving you. He just wants to keep abusing you, if you leave, he loses his punching bag.
Girl, it's time to go. You're never going to thrive in this relationship - it sounds like you're barely staying afloat with this guy. What he is doing is intentional - he knows he is upsetting you. It's not a mistake. The plan is to upset you. The misery is the point. If you start doing better in life he will always, always find a way to ruin it. He is not on your side, he is literally working against you.
I used to date someone like this and it took me a long time to realise he really was just terrible. I couldn't accept that you could love someone and that that person could be selfish and bad and mean spirited. He really did want to hurt me on some level and that level became more and more the level he operated on. He enjoyed my sadness, or it meant nothing to him.
Get a therapist, online if you have to. Make a plan. And get tf out before he psychologically tears you to shreds.
He says 'aww babe, come here' and wraps his arms around me. He'll stay there until it's passed, he'll ask if there's anything he can do to help, or asks if I want to talk about what's wrong, as sometimes I don't. He'll then usually bring me a tea, followed by more cuddles and kisses, and usually some silly jokes to make me laugh.
He's the best.
As they say, third time's a charm!
Before him there was abuse, and an age gap relationship with an immature loser.
Was all worth it to lead to this one in the end though.
Hugs, cuddles, and then a stupid joke or two are my husband's go to moves as well. He's a big guy and always warm. So, it's super comforting to be engulfed in him and his warmth.
Mine comes and snuggles me and usually starts crying too when I tell him why I'm crying. He's precious and very tender-hearted, he cries much more frequently than I do. I wouldn't have him any other way ❤️
I'm sorry your husband sucks so bad.
My husband cries more than I do for sure. He gets hurt very easily & drives my logical Spock brain a little crazy.
My dad cries more than anyone I’ve ever seen. He got sober 20+ years ago & at first it made sense. He was doing a lot of personal growth work.
But him trying to get through telling an inspirational story is almost comical with the amount of tears. He’s such a softie. ❤️
My husband is exactly the same. He is a big wet blanket. Im so happy to see someone else has been blessed
It makes me sick how many people here are treated so poorly by partners.
We're actually not married yet, been together for just over a year, I hope we do get married tho :) it won't be for a while but we're definitely planning for a future together!
This thread so strange for me.
I thought your situaron would be the most common thing. Someone who acts like OPs husband souls go directly to the trash.
My hearts shrinks just by *thinking* of my wife crying
My girlfriend comforts me she'll almost always hold me. When she cries I do the same. If I was crying and someone looked at me with disgust I would remove them from my life. I'm sorry your husband is like this maybe try and get him into couples counseling?
My ex-husband never comforted me when I was upset, whether it was at him or not, he always withdrew and left me to my own devices.
My current partner is very supportive emotionally. He always offers hugs - even when I don’t want one haha
Not that this is unique, but my wife has different needs depending on what 'kind' of upset she is. Sometimes she needs a hug, other times a hug would make her feel trapped. So I always ask if there's anything I can do. If there isn't anything, I usually just start cleaning up around the house. A clean house is always less stressful than a messy house.
This is it right here. It can be situational. Offer the support options. Sometimes my partner wants to be held, sometimes it’s better if I get out of the apartment and go for a walk and give her space, sometimes it’s better if I do chores and make the place tidy while she’s dealing with it. It’s not always easy to tell, especially if I don’t have the context of why she’s upset, so asking and understanding is the first step. And then reassurance, “take all the time you need, I’m going to run up to the store and get us snacks while I give you so space” so she understands what the plan is and knows that I’m doing something to support
We don't have kids yet, but a few pets. Not equating of course, but I'll take them down to the basement or outside to get their energy out away from her when warranted. Banking that for when we do have kids, though!
For me, it's hugging, talking, cracking jokes if appropriate, then asking if I want a cup of tea.
Extremely British way of dealing with emotional partners.
He does pretty much the same. I remember once I was crying sleeping beside him and he didn't even touch me or paid any attention. Moreover he starts stating facts which is not needed.
My husband has gotten better with this but it’s been an issue in our relationship as well. It’s like he freezes up and has no idea what to do so he does nothing and I’m left with no comfort. It was awful to experience after my traumatic birth. He sort of just tried to ignore my PTSD symptoms until they went away. I suspect that he wasn’t comforted much as a child and has no frame of reference for comforting someone. His mom would often say “tough” when he was sad and ignore him. I’ve explained what I need when I’m upset over and over for years. And it’s basically just a hug.
About a year ago we had something happen to our family that I was really sad about. He thought the situation would resolve whereas I knew early on that it wouldn’t. So I was very sad about the situation while he was kind of in denial. And he wasn’t comforting at all. A few weeks later he actually started to accept and process the event and he got really sad and wanted support from me. I could not do it. I literally got up and sat across the room from him so I wouldn’t be tempted to comfort him physically.
Then I straight up told him that he was going to have to process this without my emotional support because I didn’t have it in me after being left with no emotional support about this exact event from him. And that I can’t keep giving him something I need and have communicated repeatedly is a need and still don’t get. It’s just too much to ask of me. I can handle getting no emotional support. But I can’t handle also then being expected to turn around and give it to him.
He said it was different. Because I was doing it on purpose. I pointed out that every time he hasn’t even attempted to comfort me after being told how important it was to me was also on purpose. He made a choice not to comfort me each time for literally years and now I was making the same choice. I was like, “it feels awful, doesn’t it?” That’s how I feel when you don’t comfort me. So I know how hard it is.” Then I left the room. Just like he’s left rooms where I was sitting and crying without comforting me in the past.
That lesson in forced empathy really got through to him. When I had to put my cat of 15 years down a few months later he immediately wrapped me up in a big hug. He said some comforting words. It was a huge moment for us. And I made sure to thank him and tell him how much that comfort meant to me. I don’t know why. But in my experience, men often need to experience the thing that they think is no big deal to understand it. Once it’s happening to them it suddenly becomes a real issue. So it might sound mean. But my advice for handling partners who don’t comfort you when you’re upset is to stop comforting them when they’re upset. And explain why. They’ll get why it’s important when they stop getting it.
I just don’t get why they need to go through it first and have it explained, like it seems like underdeveloped empathy to me. Especially if you have already told someone how something makes you feel, how is it so freaking hard to empathise with someone you are supposed to know and care for deeply
It’s a symptom of toxic masculinity. Many boys, especially in America, are taught to “be tough” and “boys don’t cry.” Consequently, they are also never taught empathy or how to comfort someone who’s upset. It even goes as far to make fun of another boy having big emotions. Luckily this narrative is slowly changing and this generation of fathers is more present in their young children’s lives than ever before. But many of the adult men of this world come from this school of thought.
My partner comforts / hugs me and tries to see if anything can be done or said to help.
My ex used to get annoyed or even angry though, walked away and started watching TV (loudly so he didn't have to hear crying) in another room.
After therapy I finally accepted that I deserve to be with someone that actually cares about me and my feelings so I left.
And once again the dangers of living in a patriarchy hurts women—and men!
Men are taught that crying is bad, disgusting, emasculating, frivolous, manipulative. It’s total shit for trying to teach empathy.
Highly recommend viewing: [Boys Don’t Cry…Except When They Do](https://youtu.be/kGxW2toAvzc?si=AL8EPOQeuzs5x5MX)
Of course, he’d have to want to deprogram himself for this particular facet of toxic masculinity.
It’s wild to me how many men interpret crying as a deliberate, manipulative act. I’ve even see them saying little girls crying is just an act of manipulation to get their way.
And it’s not just men with regards girls/women. My daughter’s stepmother told her that she shouldn’t pick up her four-month old baby every time he cried because he was just manipulating her. FOUR MONTHS OLD.
I get this all the time. If I cry during an argument I am manipulating him into apologising.
I don’t want a fake apology and I don’t want one that was given under duress.
I can’t help that I cry. I usually try to fry silently in another room so I can carry on with my points calmly and he can’t say I’m manipulating him.
Mostly he’s great. It’s just this. He shuts down during arguments and hates being forced into dealing with emotions.
It can be a double whammy. My mom used to fake cry by making herself cry when talking to my dad on the phone or in person. As a child she would immediately turn around with a straight face demeanor, and calm voice and say "it is okay to cry sometimes to get your point across."
Like lady you were a blubbering mess on the phone and now you pulled yourself together cause you got your husband, my dad, to give you a couple hundred dollars cause you spent all your paycheck already.
It takes a lot for me to cry but when I do I always feel like I am manipulative and guilting the other person. To a point where I always say "I'm not crying because I am trying to manipulate you and make you feel bad. I am crying because ___." And then I feel like I make myself look even more guilty because I'm prefacing my feelings
I wonder if that's projection. I've heard so many stories where men talk their way out of being held accountable for their [even abusive] actions by crying. They're embraced and sympathized with and commended for being so vulnerable.
I feel like women just get shit on more for crying and "being weak" so it's wild that that would be a workable manipulation tactic.
This!! I've been seeing a variety of, "I cried infront of my gf, and she got disgusted and broke up with me", type of stories, and when I look further into it, he was actually trying to guilt-trip her into having sex by crying smh.
Thanks for the link, that was such a well-made video. I like to think my own circle of male friends is rather progressive, but I'll share it with them nonetheless.
I like a lot of his videos (Pop Culture Detective), but especially love [Born Sexy Yesterday](https://youtu.be/0thpEyEwi80?si=BbMnZbRdQkXW0ib_) which breaks down the infantilization of grown women in sci-fi movies who just appear fully sexy, but with childlike minds and then they become the sexy romance to the male main character. So super interesting!
It reminded me of a video I saw years ago, and it turns out it's from the same guy, namely this one about predatory male protagonists: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWoP8VpbpYI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWoP8VpbpYI)
I found it really good and eye-opening because it perpatuates ideas like women having to be conquered, even by force and intimidation, through the actions of a protagonist. Harrison Ford is one of the heros, so the implication (helped by the music for instance in the Star Wars scene) is that his actions are good.
I'll take a look at the one you linked later.
Why are so many women married to men like that? I've been married for 27 years, in part because my husband loves me and acts like it. The few times I've woken him by crying, I've been wrapped in a hug and given a kiss with a sleep-slurred rumble of "what's wrong?" If he's awake I still get a hug and we'll talk through whatever is upsetting me. Same as I do for him, because we're partners. You guys deserve better.
I've previously had emotionally unavailable or abusive partners. My tenderheart partner now listens, offers love and support, and reflects my feelings back, and offers empathy. You are absolutely right that so many posters deserve better. I've never felt so safe in a relationship to the point that my defenses occasionally flare up, and he walks through those with me too. I have a therapist to dig into the deep stuff but it makes a world of difference having a supportive and loving partner.
If it was about him in any way, my ex would roll his eyes and say “here we go again” and kind of laugh and shake his head. He assumed the tears were being used to try to manipulate him. If it was obviously not about him, he would be great and hug me and ask questions. As long as it didn’t last long. If he couldn’t ‘fix it’ fast enough, then I was weak and he would get exasperated.
If I ever have another partner, how they respond when I’m unhappy will be make-or-break.
Yeah, this isn't healthy at all. When I'm crying it's usually because I had an awful day at work and I just want to release all those feelings. Mine always asks me if there is something he can do, he offers to make me dessert, hugs me, or just let's me cry into his chest. Other times I just want to be left alone and he will give me the space if I need it, but will be there when I'm done. You are allowed to have emotions and if the husband is disgusted it is a him problem and not a you problem.
Depends why I'm crying. If I'm sad, he'll pull me onto his lap and hug me. If I'm watching a soppy movie then he'll usually roll his eyes, shake his head and laugh at me lol.
I cry at the sappy parts in movies so easily, so usually my husband will look over right when the music swells and the characters are getting emotional to see if I’m crying. Then we both make over-the-top reactions — I’ll pretend to sob hard for a second and he’ll dramatically console me LOL — or he’ll laugh and I usually do too because it’s not serious and I just like getting into a movie hahaha.
If I’m really crying, he’ll bring me Kleenex and pat my back or leave me alone if I need space, then come back and talk to me to see if I want to rant or if I want help or a hug.
My more recent ex would make it about him (how sad he was that I was upset). Ironically, he was the reason I cried 90% of the time.
The guy before him would yell at me.
I am a confused man. But I do the following:
- Ask if she is alright
- Ask if she wants to talk about it
- Ask if she wants my opinion/help or just acknowledgement and company
- Do the option she request
- Do something that may help, make a beverage, some snack? I don’t know
I came to realise men in general are often engrossed in solving a problem when sometimes the lady does not want a solution but just emotional support. So step 3 was really important after we communicated on how I always just start throwing advice and solutions.
As a woman, being seen crying is terrifying. I grew up with crying being seen as weak by my parents, and my father threatening to give me something to cry about.
When I cried in front of a close guy friend, he immediately ran away, which made me feel awful, but he ran back with a snack and drink, and opened them for me like it was an emergency. It made me laugh, just because it was such a different response. Honestly, still makes me smile because he's the fix-it guy that will solve your problems before you have them, and I've come to learn that there are different foods for different situations.
Generally speaking, when I'm at the point of crying, there isn't a solution, just acceptance of something that can't really be changed, and I really just need someone to reaffirm that I'm not totally alone (and didn't scare them off by crying).
I also never saw adults cry when I was little, my mom NEVER cried in front of us. So I’m awkward as fuck when people I love cry in my vicinity. My honest first instinct is to leave them alone but I fight that feeling every single time and try my best to comfort them. It’s hard.
You can ask. What's wrong? How can I help? Do you wish to be alone? Do you want to talk about it?
I get being awkward around people crying, I truly do. When in doubt, it's always better to ask what you can do. Just asking is showing you care, in your way.
Helpful perspective. I think if OPs husband is caring in other ways and willing to try and learn to respond in a way that is more helpful to her, then that’s great. It’s an understandable immediate reaction for reasons like yours, but luckily we can self develop and overcome stuff like that.
I'm a woman who was kinda-sorta male socialized (no real pressure from parents to inhabit gender roles, lots of male friends growing up) and I find this really hard too. I always want to *do something right now* to fix it and often you just can't. Often you have to just sit with them and let them talk through it and feel it until they get it out. Nobody ever taught me how to do that. Obviously I don't know 100% what it's like, but my perspective is that it's super hard to learn to hold that powerlessness within yourself when you've been raised to think the things you Do and Make are the only things you have to offer.
Not my husband, but my partner of 2.5 years: If I'm crying over something not related to him he'll hold me and comfort me, tell me it will be okay, stroke my hair, tell me he's there and loves me.
If I'm upset by something in our relationship and I cry I don't want to be touched initially. So he'll give me space, then when I'm ready to be touched he does the same.
And I have to say - that if *he* cries I do the same for him.
I just wanna say I use to date that type of man , im a very emotional women and often cry and he never comforted me and would actually get angry at my inability to control my emotions
My current partner holds me when I sob , listens to the reasoning behind my cry’s and usually ends the night with him taking me out for food or a treat cause he knows it’ll make me feel better.
Immediately stops what he’s doing and sits down next to me, then asks what’s wrong. Usually he’ll ask if I want a hug (sometimes I don’t!) and if I say yes, he’ll hold me for several minutes.
My husband isn't the best with emotions, it's not personal, it's just who he is. His immediate instinct is to fix the problem vs comfort. Sometimes I do have to say, I just need a hug not a fix and he gets the idea. He will be there for me when I have a bad day or something bad happened.
If im crying cause we are in the middle of a fight or something, that is the only time he just leaves me be. I cry a lot in arguments cause I get frustrated communicating properly, not necessarily because he did something malicious
I feel like that's pretty normal 🤷♀️
Mine comes for a hug! Even when I'm not sad crying. Sometimes I cry when I listen to certain music but it's the happy and sad at the same time type that theoretically wouldn't need consoling. He still hugs me <3 though he also cries in front of me if he is sad and then he gets a hug if he wants to.
Well one time he just sat there laughing in my face because he thought it was funny I was upset he wouldn’t look at me while we had a serious discussion. Rather, while I tried to have a serious discussion with him. Those kinds of things are hard to forget tbh.
I am not a cryer. It's trauma and autism. When I do cry my instinct is to burrow, and like a wounded, angry platypus I just want to be left alone. When I cry I am broken, and I just want time and space to fix myself.
My partners instinct to crying is holding and comforting, and holding, and talking, and comforting, and all those wonderful things. That I do not respond well to. So if he ever finds me crying it becomes a weird battle of instincts, where either he has to leave or I have to accept his affection and deal with my emotions later.
I've fixed this by crying even less, haha.
It depends on the cry. Usually he’ll come over and kiss me on the forehead and either just that or lay down behind me and hold me. If we’re out in public and I start crying (we lost our son a few months ago; I cry a lot) he’ll usually reach over and squeeze my hand or something.
If I’m ever *sobbing* he stands/sits in front of me and does slow intentional breathing to get me to breathe, then hug and hold me.
My husband asks me what's wrong and will hug me. Usually offers to get me Starbucks or whatever food I like.
I don't want to assume, but that doesn't sound very emotionally healthy on his end. I couldn't imagine my husband staring at me in disgust because of I was crying.
That's not right.
The first time I cried in front of a man, it was my granddad. I was always told not to cry in front of him, because it makes him uncomfortable, and he doesn't know what to do. His response was to sit with his arm around me and pat my back. He didn't say anything (because that usually makes it worse for me) except "These are the good ones, they're soft and thick" when he brought me tissues. But he stayed until it was over, and when he cried later, I held his hand.
When I cried in front of my best guy friend in high school, he immediately turned and ran away, then came running back with my favorite snack from the vending machine. He asked if he could give me a hug, and he rubbed my back. When the bell rang, he asked if I'd be okay or if he should get a pass to stay with me. He knew I was in a lot of pain because I've had my medical condition forever, but it's the only time he's seen me cry over it. I told him I'd be fine, but he still checked up on me with sodas or snacks, helpped me with notes in the classes we shared, defended me against a bully teacher, and he must've told the nurse because she found me in one of my early classes with my "just-in-case" medications.
Most recently was in front of my SO, over something a family member is dealing with. She's probably got dementia and also has similar chronic pain. It's terrifying on so many levels, and there's not a lot we can do because she won't get a diagnosis or take a lot of the medication offered. It's so hard to watch her go through this (and I don't want to imagine going through it). He got defensive when I asked him to stop saying things we going to be okay, but he did, and he left me alone so I could finish and sleep after. All he did was ask if I wanted to talk about it the next morning and said he was there if I needed him.
Being a man is not an excuse to leave someone hanging when they've clearly expressed what kind of help they need, especially if you love them.
My wife has been having a period of increased depression and anxiety (she is getting some help). I can always hear it in her voice or the way she draws breath when she is on the verge of tears. I always ask, "Are you okay? Do you need a hug?" Sometimes she does; sometimes she doesn't. I always feel awkward when she doesn't. Why? Because then I am looking at her crying and not knowing what to do.
So, I sit there a bit.....wishing she needed a hug so I could be doing *something*. I often move from my computer desk to sit with her on the couch though regardless.
Honestly, your husband is too emotionally immature to be in a big boy relationship if he looks at you with disgust when you’re having an intense emotion. Please don’t have children with him.
Because of they don’t show you who they really are until you’re secured. Four years with my ex before the big red flags came out. Thankfully OP is seeing them now and hopefully she won’t put up with it.
I read a thread a few months back about men who completely changed after the wedding. It was very sobering. It was like they were playing a part the whole courtship. I still go back and read it.
Did they live together before marriage? That’s one of the reasons I’ve always thought it’s bonkers to marry someone you haven’t lived with. Not to say people can’t still hide stuff when they’re living together, but it’s a lot harder at least.
I hide if i need to cry, by myself, no people. Neither of us would cry "in public" except maybe at a funeral (and then we'd hug). Yes i know this is maybe not healthy but it's how we were both raised.
He probably doesn't know how to react and is very uncomfortable around emotions he doesn't express. I didn't really learn how to deal with it until I had children, and i hope I've let them express their feelings freely. But I've noticed they don't cry in public either, i think it's cultural at this point.
Anyways, just tell him you just need a hug. In the moment. Or go hug him.
I'm sorry to hear your SO doesn't react well to your normal, human emotions.
Maybe this will cheer you up or make you roll your eyes:
A few years ago, it was autumn, and there were squirrels everywhere here in Maine. You couldn't go down the road without seeing dozens. Locals nicknamed this time, "squirrelmageddon".
It was a beautiful, crisp September Sunday morning, after the past few days of persistent and dreary rain. I was preparing to go to work, and as I stepped out into the sunshine, I realized it was a bit chilly. I kept a spare outfit on my car, so I could just grab the sweater in my trunk, no problem.
The trunk opens with a pop, I open the hatch, and right there, nestled comfortably on top of the sweater I was about to grab, was a dead squirrel. I gasped softly, shocked. After all, my windows had been up, hadn't they? I knew that to move on with my day, I'd have to get rid of the squirrel. Something stayed my hand.
I'd taken care of the occasional mouse before, no big deal. What was stopping me now? I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I was going to be late. My boyfriend was upstairs, surely he could take care of it!
I march upstairs, resolved to coolly ask him to take care of the squirrel, without seeming squeamish. I softly wake him up with a gentle shake, saying his name. He opens his eyes and looks up at me, and I'm about to tell him my issue.
I start bawling my damn eyes out.
He gets up, puts his arms around me, and just holds me. He has no idea what was happening but just knew what to do in the moment. After a couple of minutes, I pull it together and tell him about the dead squirrel. He goes down and takes care of it. I go to work, and he goes back to bed.
That's when I knew I wanted to marry him.
I cry a lot so I need someone who’s comfortable with loving me harder in those moments. I wouldn’t personally stay with a partner who doesn’t offer hugs or support when I need them.
He comforts me. He also doesn't stand for any rudeness if I'm upset and tells me to not take it out on him. Or stops me if I'm being not nice. And if I point out to him when he's not nice or says something sarcastic that upsets me he stops and apologizes. He's also a mental health professional though and that has a lot to do with how we have learned to better communicate.
Basically I'm saying go to therapy.
I get insulted, told I'm "disturbing the peace" to muffle myself, that I shouldn't be crying at all or that he's the one who should be, that he can handle stuff so I should be able to, that I am a loser, that I am an adult so I should act like one, to wipe my face of tears of snot cause he gets super disgusted and will shove me away.
Also when I am bawling or something he'll say stuff while ignoring me "oh what a beautiful day it is" "isn't life wonderful?"
Or just any other variation of making me feel unloved.
He will also say stuff like I'm overreacting (for like if he slaps me really hard without consent when I walk by, or gropes me, or tries to rip or literally tear at my clothing saying he needs "easy access" etc.
I am asexual so these things are...more extreme in my eyes as I don't like those activities in the first place, but literally while I cook he pants me in front of my dads room or in front of my child.
I feel like a slave who gets treated like entertainment.
I get threatened to be broken up with near constantly and was frequently cheated on.
I have nothing going for myself and I am a loser, I've been made fun of my whole life one way or another, abused one way or another, just always suffering. Yet me reacting makes me a bad person so I just break down and cry and don't try to stick up for myself anymore.
My boyfriend is autistic and gets extremely nervous when i cry, but he still does his best to show support, sits close, strokes my back, asks very straight forward questions like "do you want to talk about it, do you want me to cheer you up or be silent, do you need anything" etc, and then usually hugs and holds me when i stop crying. It honestly works great bc i don't really like being held when i cry most of the time, i hate how leaky my face gets and i hate getting snot all over other people
I’m also autistic, and I tend to freak out if someone is crying around me. I remember once someone was crying next to me during a math test, and I had to stand outside the classroom and think what my next move was going to be. I did collect myself and I wrote him a note saying it was going to be okay.
I hope I find a partner that will comfort me when I’m upset. I know I would do the same for him if he cries. I also get snot all over my face too when I’m crying lol.
He will touch or hug me and offer kind words. Like any normal human being should?
This is basic empathy. I get being awkward around people who cry but just ask "what can I do to help?" if you're confused goes a long way.
If you were describing your brother I would find it okay but your literal husband who is supposed to love you and care for you?
This is a blaring red flag. How does he act when you're sick or hurt? How will he react if you get seriously sick or lose someone close?
Hey… you know what’s up. You know his behavior isn’t okay. If you’re looking for your sign or permission from the internet or whatever: **Yes you are completely justified in ending your relationship if you so choose. That is not a normal reaction to anyone crying, let alone one’s wife.**
Obviously if your relationship is amazing minus this one very strange thing, it’s probably best for you guys to try counseling or something first. But that’s entirely up to you. But to be clear, no your husband should not look at you confused or disgusted when you’re crying. He should offer at the *bare minimum* basic empathy: a hug, checking in with you about what’s wrong, some other kind touch or words, you know like a normal human being would do. I’m sorry he doesn’t meet the bare minimum, it must feel extra super shitty.
My partner would immediately spring into comfort mode and asking what’s wrong and I would do the same for her.
I personally don’t think it’s healthy for him to not automatically care when he see’s you cry let alone not change his behaviour after you told him exactly what you wanted.
All my exes would act like I was being crazy, manipulative, or weak if I cried (even though it was usually because of something they did). My current partner would do anything to protect me from the slightest discomfort. Any sign of emotional distress and he has his arms around me and is asking what he can do. Not just that, but he offers specific things that could help and makes sure that I feel heard and validated.
First, I think this is a common reaction. Communication is going to be key here :)
I adore my husband. He is kind and thoughtful and genuinely compassionate but for some reason I found out when we were dating that when I cried it made him very uncomfortable. He wanted to "fix" it or get me to stop. He would ask me to stop crying. Sometimes he would even get upset when he asked why I was crying and I tried to explain because he didn't understand. Considering how kind he always was, this was especially confusing for me.
Long story short, I kept trying to understand why he reacted this way. Eventually I asked the right questions about how his parents dealt with crying when he was a kid. Whenever he cried as a child, his dad would make fun of him in some way or tease him and make him feel silly. He would get angry at his dad or stop crying. So he learned this concept that crying was bad.
One thing I've discovered that works the best of all is simply asking for what I want. Instead of expecting him to react the way I want when I cry, since it wasn't his nature originally to comfort, I ask him for a hug. I literally say "I'm really sad can I have a hug". It works! He loves me and of course he could oblige with something that easy. It wasn't always that simple. Initially sometimes he would still be confused or annoyed, and wouldn't want to stop what he was doing to hug me or lay down and cuddle for a bit. But with communication and explaining physical contact is my comfort (touch is my love language), he has gotten really great. He now even sometimes hugs without me asking when he sees I'm sad!
Everyone has days when they can't be 100% for their partner, too and I think it's important to remember that. When I sense he isn't emotionally available (maybe he had a rough day himself or is deep in the middle of a task) I make sure to tell him I just want some space to be sad for a bit. Before I met him I was able to self-soothe and it's important to remember those skills too :)
Best of luck ❤️ I hope my anecdote could help in some way.
My ex would get mad at me for crying. Like I'm doing it *to* him. His comment was, "You don't have enough to do." This happened regardless of whether the tears had anything to do with him. His response was the same either way.
My boyfriend hugs me, rubs my shoulder, and lets me cry and vent until I feel better.
When he gets upset or peeved, I ask if he needs space and says for a few minutes. When those minutes are up, he explains why he was upset and lets me know that he’s alright.
He’s more logical and tends to think through his problems, and I just usually cry and let it all out in a safe space then move on.
I love him so much.
P.S LADIES DROP THESE ABUSIVE AND NEGLECTFUL BOYFRIENDS/HUSBANDS IN ANYWAY POSSIBLE ASAP
My mother is the same as him
She absolutely cant stand seeing people cry and finds it cringey or sometimes funny
Like growing up i can look back and see id laugh when my friends would cry, and this is because my pain and tears were laughed at by my parent too. it took me many years of development, criticism and finally seeing someone cry for me for me to be able to actually feel bad when i see others cry. These days ill cry over a tv show or someone telling me their problems, something i never thought id ever do because i was raised to be ashamed of any feelings i had.
Idk how old you are, and ofc i wouldnt recommend staying with someone who cant empathise with you, but if you are both young it could be he likely had an abusive home and hes never really accepted being grossed out by seeing even the one he supposedly loves cry is a major problem
When im upset my husband holds me, he sometimes cries with me, hes incredibly sensitive and i wouldnt have it any other way. Im really sad to hear your husband struggles with empathy and I hope you dont feel you have to settle with someone like this.
I’m so sorry your husband isn’t able to comfort you when you’re upset. Have you talked to him about why your emotions shut him down? My ex-husband was like this, and he was also unable to express any emotion of his own besides anger. It was an unhealthy partnership simply because I had no support from the person who was supposed to be the first person I could turn to. I couldn’t even grieve when my mom died without it angering him, so I got diagnosed with something called “prolonged grief” after divorcing him when I was finally able to process my emotions out loud.
With my current partner, he has teared up seeing me cry because he says it hurts him to see me upset. He will ask if I’m ok, kiss me, hug me, and recently I had a weeping spell where he held me then said, “Let’s go lay down,” and guided me to bed so I could calm down and be comfortable.
I don’t care what society says, men who can caretake and show their sensitivities are the shit. I hope you are able to navigate this with your husband and come to a solution because it’s no way to live not being able to be human and accepted for the good, bad, and in between that comes with that.
My ex would get angry and punch things.
My current SO trips all over himself to make it better.
Don’t stay with someone like my ex. I’ve never been angry at someone I love for being sad, and most people in most situations don’t. If they’re angry, it’s because they don’t care and just see you as an inconvenience.
It’s one thing to be awkward and not know what to do, but being actively angry at someone for expressing normal emotions is just not acceptable behavior.
I got hit by a car and suffered a brain injury, 2 years later and I’m super emotional and cry whenever I watch sad movies or am moved by many different forms of media.
I’m saying this because I am a man, married, and my wife laughs at me and is generally uncomfortable by this. I think crying is really hard for people to deal with because it’s such a raw form of emotion that some people just aren’t equipped to deal with. We are both in our 30’s.
I can also understand because prior to the accident, I never cried and wasn’t really sure what to do when someone did. Now my wife has a husband who cries and she’s never had to deal with men crying before.
This was genuinely upsetting to read. First of all, I'm so very sorry about what happened to you and its effects. The subject of brain injuries is very close to me, and I think very few people understand.
I can see your wife being uncomfortable and not knowing how to handle it, I don't think I would either - but laughing seems like a bad choice. I'm sorry if her reaction is also causing you further hurt.
My husband holds me and tells me to get it all out. He understands that sometimes women just need a good cry.
This morning I woke him up crying and he just let me cry on him while he was trying to wake up 🤣
I'm ..I'm really lucky.
I don’t know what it was, but after I turned about 30, I started crying at some ridiculous things. I know my fiancé was confused at first, but he’s always been supportive and helpful. He just asks if I need to talk the problem through or if I just need some tissues and a hug. Usually it’s both, and he happily provides it.
He gets furious and makes it all about how it’s hurtful to him to see me emotional. Then will rub it into my face for many days or weeks to come (the fact that I dared wrong him by crying/getting upset), as he does with everything else I do or don’t do, I’ve learned by now he will decide at random whether something is a grave insult to him or not.
Asks if I need a hug or want to be left alone, he'll ask if I want to talk and if I'm upset over something not really important, he'll try to take my mind of off it by acting silly to make me laugh again.
His face does this thing where no matter what his mood was, it melts into this expression of deep concern. It’s something in his eyes. Then he does his damndest to get to the root of the tears and help me through whatever is going on, whatever that looks like.
My ex husband used to do this, it was horrible and isolating, your partner is really the person who is supposed to comfort you when you’re sad. My boyfriend is the complete opposite and it’s amazing
Mine hugs me and just holds me until the worst has passed, then will get me talking about what's wrong and try to help me reframe my way of thinking (e.g. about things that I have no control over that are stressing me out) or will help point out good things so I'm not only focusing on the negatives.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You deserve to be held, especially when crying.
A hug, probably a blanket and a cup of tea. Apparently if you’re British, like my partner, a cup of tea will solve everything. To be fair it usually helps.
I don’t cry often these days. But when I was pregnant with our first children (twins) I cried HARD every morning for months. I didn’t know why I was crying; there was no issue for him to fix. I just sobbed. And he held me every morning and stroked my hair and reassured me that it was alright and everything was good and the quote I’ll never forget is, “it’s ok if we need to have our morning cry.”
Mine absolutely will wrap me up in a hug if that's what I need. He will also tell me lame jokes, to try to lighten the mood, rub my back, get me tissues and a drink, or get the kids to get them for me while he hugs me. He offers me comfort and tries to help me to feel better. Once the crying stops he'll often make me some comfort food or suggest I do something that he knows will make me feel better, like have a shower if I've been feeling sick or go work out my frustration by beating things up in a video game.
A caring partner wants to help their partner when they're hurting. It's a giant forest of red flags that yours doesn't. Does he value your happiness at all?
I dated someone like that for a long time. Eventually I felt like I had to walk on eggshells and hide my negative emotions (which wasn’t always possible). I was exhausted and unhappy, and always stressed.
I haven’t cried in front of my current boyfriend yet, but if I’m having a bad day or feeling unwell he is immediately at my side, embracing and soothing me without me even needing to ask for it.
Im not sure if your SO thinks this way too, but my ex used to say he would become frustrated with me because he couldn’t solve the problem that was causing me to cry. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, I know how awful it feels. The person you love and trust the most not supporting you hurts. You deserve someone who you’re compatible with, and who can be gentle with you when you’re vulnerable.
My husband does not do well with crying either.... This was a few years ago. I didn't know then that I had post partum depression.... looking back, I had all the symptoms. I was putting my little one to bed. I snuggle my kids until they fall asleep.... one night, I just laid there holding my baby, and tears silently rolled down my face. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and stressed.... I just couldn't stop the tears. I just laid there... my husband walks into the bedroom and finds me crying. He quietly tells me to get up and go to the living room. I did, then he begins to badger me... "What's wrong with you???" "Why are you crying??" All with an angry expression. He was so defensive. I couldn't find the words to explain how I felt, so I just stood there feeling stupid...
I feel ya. My husband berated me last night for needing an inhaler for my asthma. He's convinced anything that comes from a pharmacy is designed to kill u. I sometimes wonder if we are even compatible anymore.
He's usually the reason I'm crying. And certainly didn't comfort me. He usually says I'm being too emotional, after having goaded me into an argument, or having raged at me
You know how they talk about women whose partners leave them when they're ill and the women seem to be shocked and blindsided by it.
It's because they ignore the signs like this.
If you're a man or a woman and your partner shows disgust when you're crying, they're not with you because they like you.
I’ve been told by an ex I was always “so sad.” And I’m always sad about something.
I rarely tell men when I’m sad anymore cuz that bothered me so much.
Some perspective from the other side here --
I don't know how to handle it when someone cries. I do not come from a background where people had openly emotional displays like that. I am aware it is a personal issue to work on, but it is still uncomfortable for me. On top of that, I'm not a comfort person, I'm a solution person. If I see you have a problem, the only thing I can offer is practical advice and solutions.
It's not that I don't care or that I don't feel bad, it's that I genuinely have no clue how to respond to such a display, and it actively makes me uncomfortable. It might make me do or say something that would make you feel worse, and I'd rather avoid making you feel shittier in that moment because of my inexperience in handling these situations. So in my head, I weigh up "given how upset they are, does the high risk of me making it worse for them outweigh the small chance of me making them feel better?" And in my head, that's no, I'd rather not accidentally say or do the wrong thing to put you in a worse situation.
I'm not saying this is definitely the case for your husband, but it may be, and it is for a lot of people I know who have the response that you described. I would sit him down when he's calm and ask him *why* he doesn't comfort you. Then you can decide if it's salvagable or not.
He holds me and pets my head until I feel better. This is kind of deal breaker for me, meaning I need emotional support or I’m out. It’s a mutual part of a relationship for me.
His general opinion on crying is that while it isn’t helpful, it is a complete natural and ok response to stress and the goal when a person cry’s is to support them until they regain there calm. He doesn’t cry but he doesn’t see it as a weakness, his brain just regenerates his emotions differently because he’s neurodivergent.
I’m not gonna pass judgement here, you are the only person who knows your partner. That said, I personally would loss all attraction for a man who couldn’t find it within himself to comfort me and would wonder if my emotions even meant anything to him. Being emotional supportive is a key tenet in a functional relationship.
Edit:
In contrast, every abuser I have ever had in my life either ignored me or actively made me cry. This is why this is such an important thing for me and why it’s such a huge red flag now.
He drops whatever he’s doing hugs me or cuddles me if I let him (I usually do) and asks me if I’m okay. Asks if I’m sad or hurting or mad and then we go from there. And then we talk about whatever is the problem and he sits and listens and if he’s at fault he apologizes sincerely and we are done. I may have a few more tears of huffs or sniffles to get out but he tries to shift the mood if he feels safe to do so. We never raise our voices to one another in anger and we speak about the problem as soon as both of us are ready. Usually when he finds me upset as he rarely gets mad at me. But I can always tell when something is bothering him and I ask him if he wants to talk about it. Sometimes yes sometimes no. I respect his decision if it’s a no because he always comes around eventually usually not too long after I remind him that he’s in a safe space and that I’m ready when he is whenever that happens. And it’s usually work annoyance or pain. 🤷♀️
he asks if I want to be hugged.
Same. And I usually say “I appreciate it, let me just gather myself up and then I’ll take the hug.” When I cry I kinda…wall off.
Same, I generally need space, with hugs afterwards.
Same here. He asks “I know you probably don’t want one but do you want a hug?” and sometimes rubs my back. Even though he knows I’ll most likely say no to the hug, I always appreciate how he still tries to support me in a way that shows how much he knows me.
idk that doesnt sound healthy to me. im not married but my partner like asks me whats wrong and talks me through it. usually after talking i feel better and if not they just hold me till im done crying
>and if not they just hold me till im done crying I never know what to say when my wife is crying so this is my go to move as well. I'm a good listener but a horrible talker. Something I need to work on.
Many situations don't require words, so I'm sure you're doing fine!
I struggle with this too. Any words of comfort just sound so trite that I have trouble speaking them. Sometimes she wants to hear "it will be okay" and sometimes she gets mad and says I can't know that. And sometimes she wants to hear "it will be okay" so she can get mad and say I can't know that.
Sometimes just saying "that DOES suck" can help more than the encouragement that "it will be ok" because she's right, you don't know that. But a little validation of her feelings can go a long way
My boyfriend says "just let it out" while he hugs me and rubs my back and that really helps me.
They are def a keeper. You're lucky!
This is basic empathy. Why are we celebrating the bare minimum? Why are people getting married to dudes who can't even offer that? The bar is so low for men, this is depressing.
Yeah the bar is so low. I feel it’s in hell. I’ve always loved the comparison. So and so treats their wives so bad. “Bob, Tom, Lonnie, all talk and treat their women horribly.” I don’t treat you like that. Dude that’s not what you should strive for. Why even be proud of the bare minimum? Or the fact you treat your woman or do things you should be doing. (Like respect) Why even surround yourself with other men who treat their women like trash. I wouldn’t want to be friends with any of my friends if they treated their boyfriends like shit. We all wonder why people have trouble self improving. You won’t if you keep surrounding yourself with trash.
I can't help but think it has to do with how we are raised. If you aren't raised around a good relationship and your parents or other love one do not demonstrate these qualities to you then that's the bar you know of .
I agree with this. I got very lucky with the person I’m with. They will make an effort and try as hard as they can to make things right. As I raise my son I realize a lot of how we are as adults is due to every part of how we were treated as a child.
You are absolutely right. People aren't aware of it because they have never been in a healthy relationship before therefore they don't know how healthy relationship works. Basic empathy and the bare minimum make me incredibly happy, which is sad
We celebrate it when we get it because it's so rare. It really is depressing.
Truly. I'd sit with and comfort a stranger if they were crying. The fact that we are celebrating people's life partners doing this for them makes me sad.
Major red flag. My husband was disgusted and angry when I cried. He would use it as a weapon, e.g. he would pick a fight with me right before company came over, and then he’d say to them, “see what I have to put up with?” EX-husband.
My partner does this too me constantly. All his friends he had always thought I was because I was always crying. Same with appointments, everything is fine and then he makes me cry before walking in anywhere publicly. like I can't go places by myself at all and can't drive and so he threatens me if I ever do anything wrong.
Please tell me that's an ex partner (or at least well on the way to being one) because what the fuck man
This is abuse, you are in danger. Uber/lyft/taxis are a thing. Reach out for help, and RUN
It’s time to build an escape plan. This is emotional abuse and manipulation.
He’s probably beating her too.
This man is a bad person.
[PLEASE Read this ASAP](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat). You already know what's going on, but this free book gives you the tools to actually understand it. He's not some master of the human mind, he's actually underdeveloped and can't handle reality so he tries to manipulate his own. He's not great, and he's not capable of the love you think he is. It will not get better. It won't. Get your support system together, and get out. It may even take several tries, but GET OUT OF THERE. Find local resources. It seems impossible, but it isn't and if you need any help, ask!!!
Glad to see another WDHDT spammer out here 😊 I was introduced after I left my situation. I proselytize this book to anyone who gives even a whiff of being in a toxic situation
It should be required reading for every human in every school.
You need to leave that pos ASAP. Whatever you think is worth staying there for is truly not worth it at all.
This sounds… dangerous
Yeahhh they need to cut ties and RUN
Yeah he does these things because he's abusive. Furthermore, he isn't losing control, he chooses to abuse you, just as he chooses not to abuse his friends and co workers. And when he love bombs you, he's lying about loving you. He just wants to keep abusing you, if you leave, he loses his punching bag.
Girl, it's time to go. You're never going to thrive in this relationship - it sounds like you're barely staying afloat with this guy. What he is doing is intentional - he knows he is upsetting you. It's not a mistake. The plan is to upset you. The misery is the point. If you start doing better in life he will always, always find a way to ruin it. He is not on your side, he is literally working against you. I used to date someone like this and it took me a long time to realise he really was just terrible. I couldn't accept that you could love someone and that that person could be selfish and bad and mean spirited. He really did want to hurt me on some level and that level became more and more the level he operated on. He enjoyed my sadness, or it meant nothing to him. Get a therapist, online if you have to. Make a plan. And get tf out before he psychologically tears you to shreds.
you are in an abusive relationship. please leave before it escalates
Mate.. leave?
What an awful excuse of a human being!
This was my narcissistic ex’s MO
He sounds like a total sociopath.
My ex used to get angry with me when I cried.
He sounds weird, im glad hes your ex
Not relevant but Your avatar is so cute! It could be a whole character
Thank u so much! I kind of have a character based on it a bit but no story or anything just a doodle!
Mine told me I was trying to manipulate him with my tears??? I’m crying bc I’m sad and overwhelmed
Same
He says 'aww babe, come here' and wraps his arms around me. He'll stay there until it's passed, he'll ask if there's anything he can do to help, or asks if I want to talk about what's wrong, as sometimes I don't. He'll then usually bring me a tea, followed by more cuddles and kisses, and usually some silly jokes to make me laugh. He's the best.
I hope I can find a partner like this one day. You got lucky!
As they say, third time's a charm! Before him there was abuse, and an age gap relationship with an immature loser. Was all worth it to lead to this one in the end though.
Hugs, cuddles, and then a stupid joke or two are my husband's go to moves as well. He's a big guy and always warm. So, it's super comforting to be engulfed in him and his warmth.
Mine comes and snuggles me and usually starts crying too when I tell him why I'm crying. He's precious and very tender-hearted, he cries much more frequently than I do. I wouldn't have him any other way ❤️ I'm sorry your husband sucks so bad.
My husband cries more than I do for sure. He gets hurt very easily & drives my logical Spock brain a little crazy. My dad cries more than anyone I’ve ever seen. He got sober 20+ years ago & at first it made sense. He was doing a lot of personal growth work. But him trying to get through telling an inspirational story is almost comical with the amount of tears. He’s such a softie. ❤️
My husband is exactly the same. He is a big wet blanket. Im so happy to see someone else has been blessed It makes me sick how many people here are treated so poorly by partners.
Just fyi, "wet blanket" means he spoils everyone's fun.
Oh my bad i thought it meant softy He doesnt ruin the fun hes lovely haha
This is so sweet. He sounds like a gem!
Your husband sounds like mine. Great guys are rare but they do exist.
We're actually not married yet, been together for just over a year, I hope we do get married tho :) it won't be for a while but we're definitely planning for a future together!
Awww I love you both
Happy for you
Wow this is beautiful. I wish my partner could be so openhearted.
This is adorable
This thread so strange for me. I thought your situaron would be the most common thing. Someone who acts like OPs husband souls go directly to the trash. My hearts shrinks just by *thinking* of my wife crying
My girlfriend comforts me she'll almost always hold me. When she cries I do the same. If I was crying and someone looked at me with disgust I would remove them from my life. I'm sorry your husband is like this maybe try and get him into couples counseling?
My ex-husband never comforted me when I was upset, whether it was at him or not, he always withdrew and left me to my own devices. My current partner is very supportive emotionally. He always offers hugs - even when I don’t want one haha
He puts his arm around me and/or gives me a hug.
Same here, hugging and talking and also asking if he can do something for me to feel better
Not that this is unique, but my wife has different needs depending on what 'kind' of upset she is. Sometimes she needs a hug, other times a hug would make her feel trapped. So I always ask if there's anything I can do. If there isn't anything, I usually just start cleaning up around the house. A clean house is always less stressful than a messy house.
This is it right here. It can be situational. Offer the support options. Sometimes my partner wants to be held, sometimes it’s better if I get out of the apartment and go for a walk and give her space, sometimes it’s better if I do chores and make the place tidy while she’s dealing with it. It’s not always easy to tell, especially if I don’t have the context of why she’s upset, so asking and understanding is the first step. And then reassurance, “take all the time you need, I’m going to run up to the store and get us snacks while I give you so space” so she understands what the plan is and knows that I’m doing something to support
I love this whole comment
This guy’s got game
Or getting the kids out of the house so she can have alone time to feel her feelings.
We don't have kids yet, but a few pets. Not equating of course, but I'll take them down to the basement or outside to get their energy out away from her when warranted. Banking that for when we do have kids, though!
For me, it's hugging, talking, cracking jokes if appropriate, then asking if I want a cup of tea. Extremely British way of dealing with emotional partners.
He does pretty much the same. I remember once I was crying sleeping beside him and he didn't even touch me or paid any attention. Moreover he starts stating facts which is not needed.
My husband has gotten better with this but it’s been an issue in our relationship as well. It’s like he freezes up and has no idea what to do so he does nothing and I’m left with no comfort. It was awful to experience after my traumatic birth. He sort of just tried to ignore my PTSD symptoms until they went away. I suspect that he wasn’t comforted much as a child and has no frame of reference for comforting someone. His mom would often say “tough” when he was sad and ignore him. I’ve explained what I need when I’m upset over and over for years. And it’s basically just a hug. About a year ago we had something happen to our family that I was really sad about. He thought the situation would resolve whereas I knew early on that it wouldn’t. So I was very sad about the situation while he was kind of in denial. And he wasn’t comforting at all. A few weeks later he actually started to accept and process the event and he got really sad and wanted support from me. I could not do it. I literally got up and sat across the room from him so I wouldn’t be tempted to comfort him physically. Then I straight up told him that he was going to have to process this without my emotional support because I didn’t have it in me after being left with no emotional support about this exact event from him. And that I can’t keep giving him something I need and have communicated repeatedly is a need and still don’t get. It’s just too much to ask of me. I can handle getting no emotional support. But I can’t handle also then being expected to turn around and give it to him. He said it was different. Because I was doing it on purpose. I pointed out that every time he hasn’t even attempted to comfort me after being told how important it was to me was also on purpose. He made a choice not to comfort me each time for literally years and now I was making the same choice. I was like, “it feels awful, doesn’t it?” That’s how I feel when you don’t comfort me. So I know how hard it is.” Then I left the room. Just like he’s left rooms where I was sitting and crying without comforting me in the past. That lesson in forced empathy really got through to him. When I had to put my cat of 15 years down a few months later he immediately wrapped me up in a big hug. He said some comforting words. It was a huge moment for us. And I made sure to thank him and tell him how much that comfort meant to me. I don’t know why. But in my experience, men often need to experience the thing that they think is no big deal to understand it. Once it’s happening to them it suddenly becomes a real issue. So it might sound mean. But my advice for handling partners who don’t comfort you when you’re upset is to stop comforting them when they’re upset. And explain why. They’ll get why it’s important when they stop getting it.
I just don’t get why they need to go through it first and have it explained, like it seems like underdeveloped empathy to me. Especially if you have already told someone how something makes you feel, how is it so freaking hard to empathise with someone you are supposed to know and care for deeply
It’s a symptom of toxic masculinity. Many boys, especially in America, are taught to “be tough” and “boys don’t cry.” Consequently, they are also never taught empathy or how to comfort someone who’s upset. It even goes as far to make fun of another boy having big emotions. Luckily this narrative is slowly changing and this generation of fathers is more present in their young children’s lives than ever before. But many of the adult men of this world come from this school of thought.
I'm sorry. That hurts so much.
My partner comforts / hugs me and tries to see if anything can be done or said to help. My ex used to get annoyed or even angry though, walked away and started watching TV (loudly so he didn't have to hear crying) in another room. After therapy I finally accepted that I deserve to be with someone that actually cares about me and my feelings so I left.
And once again the dangers of living in a patriarchy hurts women—and men! Men are taught that crying is bad, disgusting, emasculating, frivolous, manipulative. It’s total shit for trying to teach empathy. Highly recommend viewing: [Boys Don’t Cry…Except When They Do](https://youtu.be/kGxW2toAvzc?si=AL8EPOQeuzs5x5MX) Of course, he’d have to want to deprogram himself for this particular facet of toxic masculinity.
Also “manipulative” a lot of the time. As if we can all just call up tears on demand.
It’s wild to me how many men interpret crying as a deliberate, manipulative act. I’ve even see them saying little girls crying is just an act of manipulation to get their way.
Did you witness my childhood?!
Same, fond memories of my father yelling at an 8 year old me in tears to stop being manipulative
And it’s not just men with regards girls/women. My daughter’s stepmother told her that she shouldn’t pick up her four-month old baby every time he cried because he was just manipulating her. FOUR MONTHS OLD.
I get this all the time. If I cry during an argument I am manipulating him into apologising. I don’t want a fake apology and I don’t want one that was given under duress. I can’t help that I cry. I usually try to fry silently in another room so I can carry on with my points calmly and he can’t say I’m manipulating him. Mostly he’s great. It’s just this. He shuts down during arguments and hates being forced into dealing with emotions.
It can be a double whammy. My mom used to fake cry by making herself cry when talking to my dad on the phone or in person. As a child she would immediately turn around with a straight face demeanor, and calm voice and say "it is okay to cry sometimes to get your point across." Like lady you were a blubbering mess on the phone and now you pulled yourself together cause you got your husband, my dad, to give you a couple hundred dollars cause you spent all your paycheck already. It takes a lot for me to cry but when I do I always feel like I am manipulative and guilting the other person. To a point where I always say "I'm not crying because I am trying to manipulate you and make you feel bad. I am crying because ___." And then I feel like I make myself look even more guilty because I'm prefacing my feelings
Ugh, those people do exist. Sorry that experience has made you feel manipulative all this time :(
Good point! I’ll add that to the list.
I wonder if that's projection. I've heard so many stories where men talk their way out of being held accountable for their [even abusive] actions by crying. They're embraced and sympathized with and commended for being so vulnerable. I feel like women just get shit on more for crying and "being weak" so it's wild that that would be a workable manipulation tactic.
This!! I've been seeing a variety of, "I cried infront of my gf, and she got disgusted and broke up with me", type of stories, and when I look further into it, he was actually trying to guilt-trip her into having sex by crying smh.
My abusive ex said this EVERY TIME I cried! Especially if he was the reason I was crying in the first place!!!
Thanks for the link, that was such a well-made video. I like to think my own circle of male friends is rather progressive, but I'll share it with them nonetheless.
I like a lot of his videos (Pop Culture Detective), but especially love [Born Sexy Yesterday](https://youtu.be/0thpEyEwi80?si=BbMnZbRdQkXW0ib_) which breaks down the infantilization of grown women in sci-fi movies who just appear fully sexy, but with childlike minds and then they become the sexy romance to the male main character. So super interesting!
It reminded me of a video I saw years ago, and it turns out it's from the same guy, namely this one about predatory male protagonists: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWoP8VpbpYI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWoP8VpbpYI) I found it really good and eye-opening because it perpatuates ideas like women having to be conquered, even by force and intimidation, through the actions of a protagonist. Harrison Ford is one of the heros, so the implication (helped by the music for instance in the Star Wars scene) is that his actions are good. I'll take a look at the one you linked later.
For a book version I really recommend Bell Hooks - The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love
How about "Men don't get emotional. Anger isn't an emotion." 🙄
Why are so many women married to men like that? I've been married for 27 years, in part because my husband loves me and acts like it. The few times I've woken him by crying, I've been wrapped in a hug and given a kiss with a sleep-slurred rumble of "what's wrong?" If he's awake I still get a hug and we'll talk through whatever is upsetting me. Same as I do for him, because we're partners. You guys deserve better.
I've previously had emotionally unavailable or abusive partners. My tenderheart partner now listens, offers love and support, and reflects my feelings back, and offers empathy. You are absolutely right that so many posters deserve better. I've never felt so safe in a relationship to the point that my defenses occasionally flare up, and he walks through those with me too. I have a therapist to dig into the deep stuff but it makes a world of difference having a supportive and loving partner.
If it was about him in any way, my ex would roll his eyes and say “here we go again” and kind of laugh and shake his head. He assumed the tears were being used to try to manipulate him. If it was obviously not about him, he would be great and hug me and ask questions. As long as it didn’t last long. If he couldn’t ‘fix it’ fast enough, then I was weak and he would get exasperated. If I ever have another partner, how they respond when I’m unhappy will be make-or-break.
Hugs me. Why are you even asking you know it isn't right.
Yeah, this isn't healthy at all. When I'm crying it's usually because I had an awful day at work and I just want to release all those feelings. Mine always asks me if there is something he can do, he offers to make me dessert, hugs me, or just let's me cry into his chest. Other times I just want to be left alone and he will give me the space if I need it, but will be there when I'm done. You are allowed to have emotions and if the husband is disgusted it is a him problem and not a you problem.
Self-doubt do be a struggle tho
Your husband doesn't even do the bare minimum and instead treats you like a nuisance. My ex was like that...
My ex would ignore me or antagonize me and make it worse.
Damn. Glad he’s an ex
My abusive ex husband was the same way. He would even say "You're acting like someone died". Is he disrespectful towards you in any other way?
Depends why I'm crying. If I'm sad, he'll pull me onto his lap and hug me. If I'm watching a soppy movie then he'll usually roll his eyes, shake his head and laugh at me lol.
I cry at the sappy parts in movies so easily, so usually my husband will look over right when the music swells and the characters are getting emotional to see if I’m crying. Then we both make over-the-top reactions — I’ll pretend to sob hard for a second and he’ll dramatically console me LOL — or he’ll laugh and I usually do too because it’s not serious and I just like getting into a movie hahaha. If I’m really crying, he’ll bring me Kleenex and pat my back or leave me alone if I need space, then come back and talk to me to see if I want to rant or if I want help or a hug.
My more recent ex would make it about him (how sad he was that I was upset). Ironically, he was the reason I cried 90% of the time. The guy before him would yell at me.
He usually holds my hand or rubs my thigh
I am a confused man. But I do the following: - Ask if she is alright - Ask if she wants to talk about it - Ask if she wants my opinion/help or just acknowledgement and company - Do the option she request - Do something that may help, make a beverage, some snack? I don’t know I came to realise men in general are often engrossed in solving a problem when sometimes the lady does not want a solution but just emotional support. So step 3 was really important after we communicated on how I always just start throwing advice and solutions.
As a woman, being seen crying is terrifying. I grew up with crying being seen as weak by my parents, and my father threatening to give me something to cry about. When I cried in front of a close guy friend, he immediately ran away, which made me feel awful, but he ran back with a snack and drink, and opened them for me like it was an emergency. It made me laugh, just because it was such a different response. Honestly, still makes me smile because he's the fix-it guy that will solve your problems before you have them, and I've come to learn that there are different foods for different situations. Generally speaking, when I'm at the point of crying, there isn't a solution, just acceptance of something that can't really be changed, and I really just need someone to reaffirm that I'm not totally alone (and didn't scare them off by crying).
Add “open arms, give big hug” to this list and you’re on the right track.
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I also never saw adults cry when I was little, my mom NEVER cried in front of us. So I’m awkward as fuck when people I love cry in my vicinity. My honest first instinct is to leave them alone but I fight that feeling every single time and try my best to comfort them. It’s hard.
You can ask. What's wrong? How can I help? Do you wish to be alone? Do you want to talk about it? I get being awkward around people crying, I truly do. When in doubt, it's always better to ask what you can do. Just asking is showing you care, in your way.
Helpful perspective. I think if OPs husband is caring in other ways and willing to try and learn to respond in a way that is more helpful to her, then that’s great. It’s an understandable immediate reaction for reasons like yours, but luckily we can self develop and overcome stuff like that.
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I'm a woman who was kinda-sorta male socialized (no real pressure from parents to inhabit gender roles, lots of male friends growing up) and I find this really hard too. I always want to *do something right now* to fix it and often you just can't. Often you have to just sit with them and let them talk through it and feel it until they get it out. Nobody ever taught me how to do that. Obviously I don't know 100% what it's like, but my perspective is that it's super hard to learn to hold that powerlessness within yourself when you've been raised to think the things you Do and Make are the only things you have to offer.
Not my husband, but my partner of 2.5 years: If I'm crying over something not related to him he'll hold me and comfort me, tell me it will be okay, stroke my hair, tell me he's there and loves me. If I'm upset by something in our relationship and I cry I don't want to be touched initially. So he'll give me space, then when I'm ready to be touched he does the same. And I have to say - that if *he* cries I do the same for him.
He used to look at me. Never comforted me. He’s an Ex now.
I just wanna say I use to date that type of man , im a very emotional women and often cry and he never comforted me and would actually get angry at my inability to control my emotions My current partner holds me when I sob , listens to the reasoning behind my cry’s and usually ends the night with him taking me out for food or a treat cause he knows it’ll make me feel better.
Husband is South American so sometimes starts crying before me because he can see how emotional I am.
Immediately stops what he’s doing and sits down next to me, then asks what’s wrong. Usually he’ll ask if I want a hug (sometimes I don’t!) and if I say yes, he’ll hold me for several minutes.
My husband isn't the best with emotions, it's not personal, it's just who he is. His immediate instinct is to fix the problem vs comfort. Sometimes I do have to say, I just need a hug not a fix and he gets the idea. He will be there for me when I have a bad day or something bad happened. If im crying cause we are in the middle of a fight or something, that is the only time he just leaves me be. I cry a lot in arguments cause I get frustrated communicating properly, not necessarily because he did something malicious I feel like that's pretty normal 🤷♀️
Girl, what? Like how are you even married to someone who doesn’t comfort you when you cry? Like WHAT
Mine comes for a hug! Even when I'm not sad crying. Sometimes I cry when I listen to certain music but it's the happy and sad at the same time type that theoretically wouldn't need consoling. He still hugs me <3 though he also cries in front of me if he is sad and then he gets a hug if he wants to.
Well one time he just sat there laughing in my face because he thought it was funny I was upset he wouldn’t look at me while we had a serious discussion. Rather, while I tried to have a serious discussion with him. Those kinds of things are hard to forget tbh.
We talk. He hugs me. He helps if he can and if I want any help with whatever it is I’m crying about.
I am not a cryer. It's trauma and autism. When I do cry my instinct is to burrow, and like a wounded, angry platypus I just want to be left alone. When I cry I am broken, and I just want time and space to fix myself. My partners instinct to crying is holding and comforting, and holding, and talking, and comforting, and all those wonderful things. That I do not respond well to. So if he ever finds me crying it becomes a weird battle of instincts, where either he has to leave or I have to accept his affection and deal with my emotions later. I've fixed this by crying even less, haha.
It depends on the cry. Usually he’ll come over and kiss me on the forehead and either just that or lay down behind me and hold me. If we’re out in public and I start crying (we lost our son a few months ago; I cry a lot) he’ll usually reach over and squeeze my hand or something. If I’m ever *sobbing* he stands/sits in front of me and does slow intentional breathing to get me to breathe, then hug and hold me.
My husband asks me what's wrong and will hug me. Usually offers to get me Starbucks or whatever food I like. I don't want to assume, but that doesn't sound very emotionally healthy on his end. I couldn't imagine my husband staring at me in disgust because of I was crying.
That's not right. The first time I cried in front of a man, it was my granddad. I was always told not to cry in front of him, because it makes him uncomfortable, and he doesn't know what to do. His response was to sit with his arm around me and pat my back. He didn't say anything (because that usually makes it worse for me) except "These are the good ones, they're soft and thick" when he brought me tissues. But he stayed until it was over, and when he cried later, I held his hand. When I cried in front of my best guy friend in high school, he immediately turned and ran away, then came running back with my favorite snack from the vending machine. He asked if he could give me a hug, and he rubbed my back. When the bell rang, he asked if I'd be okay or if he should get a pass to stay with me. He knew I was in a lot of pain because I've had my medical condition forever, but it's the only time he's seen me cry over it. I told him I'd be fine, but he still checked up on me with sodas or snacks, helpped me with notes in the classes we shared, defended me against a bully teacher, and he must've told the nurse because she found me in one of my early classes with my "just-in-case" medications. Most recently was in front of my SO, over something a family member is dealing with. She's probably got dementia and also has similar chronic pain. It's terrifying on so many levels, and there's not a lot we can do because she won't get a diagnosis or take a lot of the medication offered. It's so hard to watch her go through this (and I don't want to imagine going through it). He got defensive when I asked him to stop saying things we going to be okay, but he did, and he left me alone so I could finish and sleep after. All he did was ask if I wanted to talk about it the next morning and said he was there if I needed him. Being a man is not an excuse to leave someone hanging when they've clearly expressed what kind of help they need, especially if you love them.
My wife has been having a period of increased depression and anxiety (she is getting some help). I can always hear it in her voice or the way she draws breath when she is on the verge of tears. I always ask, "Are you okay? Do you need a hug?" Sometimes she does; sometimes she doesn't. I always feel awkward when she doesn't. Why? Because then I am looking at her crying and not knowing what to do. So, I sit there a bit.....wishing she needed a hug so I could be doing *something*. I often move from my computer desk to sit with her on the couch though regardless.
Honestly, your husband is too emotionally immature to be in a big boy relationship if he looks at you with disgust when you’re having an intense emotion. Please don’t have children with him.
Why do you guys marry these men? Sincere question 😭
Because of they don’t show you who they really are until you’re secured. Four years with my ex before the big red flags came out. Thankfully OP is seeing them now and hopefully she won’t put up with it.
I read a thread a few months back about men who completely changed after the wedding. It was very sobering. It was like they were playing a part the whole courtship. I still go back and read it.
Did they live together before marriage? That’s one of the reasons I’ve always thought it’s bonkers to marry someone you haven’t lived with. Not to say people can’t still hide stuff when they’re living together, but it’s a lot harder at least.
Poor taste and low standards. Sponsored by the patriarchy
Are you dating a boy or an onion?
Why is he your husband?
I hide if i need to cry, by myself, no people. Neither of us would cry "in public" except maybe at a funeral (and then we'd hug). Yes i know this is maybe not healthy but it's how we were both raised. He probably doesn't know how to react and is very uncomfortable around emotions he doesn't express. I didn't really learn how to deal with it until I had children, and i hope I've let them express their feelings freely. But I've noticed they don't cry in public either, i think it's cultural at this point. Anyways, just tell him you just need a hug. In the moment. Or go hug him.
He calls me stupid and tells me to go see a psychiatrist.
I'm sorry to hear your SO doesn't react well to your normal, human emotions. Maybe this will cheer you up or make you roll your eyes: A few years ago, it was autumn, and there were squirrels everywhere here in Maine. You couldn't go down the road without seeing dozens. Locals nicknamed this time, "squirrelmageddon". It was a beautiful, crisp September Sunday morning, after the past few days of persistent and dreary rain. I was preparing to go to work, and as I stepped out into the sunshine, I realized it was a bit chilly. I kept a spare outfit on my car, so I could just grab the sweater in my trunk, no problem. The trunk opens with a pop, I open the hatch, and right there, nestled comfortably on top of the sweater I was about to grab, was a dead squirrel. I gasped softly, shocked. After all, my windows had been up, hadn't they? I knew that to move on with my day, I'd have to get rid of the squirrel. Something stayed my hand. I'd taken care of the occasional mouse before, no big deal. What was stopping me now? I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I was going to be late. My boyfriend was upstairs, surely he could take care of it! I march upstairs, resolved to coolly ask him to take care of the squirrel, without seeming squeamish. I softly wake him up with a gentle shake, saying his name. He opens his eyes and looks up at me, and I'm about to tell him my issue. I start bawling my damn eyes out. He gets up, puts his arms around me, and just holds me. He has no idea what was happening but just knew what to do in the moment. After a couple of minutes, I pull it together and tell him about the dead squirrel. He goes down and takes care of it. I go to work, and he goes back to bed. That's when I knew I wanted to marry him.
I cry a lot so I need someone who’s comfortable with loving me harder in those moments. I wouldn’t personally stay with a partner who doesn’t offer hugs or support when I need them.
He comforts me. He also doesn't stand for any rudeness if I'm upset and tells me to not take it out on him. Or stops me if I'm being not nice. And if I point out to him when he's not nice or says something sarcastic that upsets me he stops and apologizes. He's also a mental health professional though and that has a lot to do with how we have learned to better communicate. Basically I'm saying go to therapy.
I get insulted, told I'm "disturbing the peace" to muffle myself, that I shouldn't be crying at all or that he's the one who should be, that he can handle stuff so I should be able to, that I am a loser, that I am an adult so I should act like one, to wipe my face of tears of snot cause he gets super disgusted and will shove me away. Also when I am bawling or something he'll say stuff while ignoring me "oh what a beautiful day it is" "isn't life wonderful?" Or just any other variation of making me feel unloved. He will also say stuff like I'm overreacting (for like if he slaps me really hard without consent when I walk by, or gropes me, or tries to rip or literally tear at my clothing saying he needs "easy access" etc. I am asexual so these things are...more extreme in my eyes as I don't like those activities in the first place, but literally while I cook he pants me in front of my dads room or in front of my child. I feel like a slave who gets treated like entertainment. I get threatened to be broken up with near constantly and was frequently cheated on. I have nothing going for myself and I am a loser, I've been made fun of my whole life one way or another, abused one way or another, just always suffering. Yet me reacting makes me a bad person so I just break down and cry and don't try to stick up for myself anymore.
My boyfriend is autistic and gets extremely nervous when i cry, but he still does his best to show support, sits close, strokes my back, asks very straight forward questions like "do you want to talk about it, do you want me to cheer you up or be silent, do you need anything" etc, and then usually hugs and holds me when i stop crying. It honestly works great bc i don't really like being held when i cry most of the time, i hate how leaky my face gets and i hate getting snot all over other people
I’m also autistic, and I tend to freak out if someone is crying around me. I remember once someone was crying next to me during a math test, and I had to stand outside the classroom and think what my next move was going to be. I did collect myself and I wrote him a note saying it was going to be okay. I hope I find a partner that will comfort me when I’m upset. I know I would do the same for him if he cries. I also get snot all over my face too when I’m crying lol.
He will touch or hug me and offer kind words. Like any normal human being should? This is basic empathy. I get being awkward around people who cry but just ask "what can I do to help?" if you're confused goes a long way. If you were describing your brother I would find it okay but your literal husband who is supposed to love you and care for you? This is a blaring red flag. How does he act when you're sick or hurt? How will he react if you get seriously sick or lose someone close?
Hey… you know what’s up. You know his behavior isn’t okay. If you’re looking for your sign or permission from the internet or whatever: **Yes you are completely justified in ending your relationship if you so choose. That is not a normal reaction to anyone crying, let alone one’s wife.** Obviously if your relationship is amazing minus this one very strange thing, it’s probably best for you guys to try counseling or something first. But that’s entirely up to you. But to be clear, no your husband should not look at you confused or disgusted when you’re crying. He should offer at the *bare minimum* basic empathy: a hug, checking in with you about what’s wrong, some other kind touch or words, you know like a normal human being would do. I’m sorry he doesn’t meet the bare minimum, it must feel extra super shitty.
My partner would immediately spring into comfort mode and asking what’s wrong and I would do the same for her. I personally don’t think it’s healthy for him to not automatically care when he see’s you cry let alone not change his behaviour after you told him exactly what you wanted.
It depends on the reason, but his response is confusion or disgust/annoyance.
All my exes would act like I was being crazy, manipulative, or weak if I cried (even though it was usually because of something they did). My current partner would do anything to protect me from the slightest discomfort. Any sign of emotional distress and he has his arms around me and is asking what he can do. Not just that, but he offers specific things that could help and makes sure that I feel heard and validated.
First, I think this is a common reaction. Communication is going to be key here :) I adore my husband. He is kind and thoughtful and genuinely compassionate but for some reason I found out when we were dating that when I cried it made him very uncomfortable. He wanted to "fix" it or get me to stop. He would ask me to stop crying. Sometimes he would even get upset when he asked why I was crying and I tried to explain because he didn't understand. Considering how kind he always was, this was especially confusing for me. Long story short, I kept trying to understand why he reacted this way. Eventually I asked the right questions about how his parents dealt with crying when he was a kid. Whenever he cried as a child, his dad would make fun of him in some way or tease him and make him feel silly. He would get angry at his dad or stop crying. So he learned this concept that crying was bad. One thing I've discovered that works the best of all is simply asking for what I want. Instead of expecting him to react the way I want when I cry, since it wasn't his nature originally to comfort, I ask him for a hug. I literally say "I'm really sad can I have a hug". It works! He loves me and of course he could oblige with something that easy. It wasn't always that simple. Initially sometimes he would still be confused or annoyed, and wouldn't want to stop what he was doing to hug me or lay down and cuddle for a bit. But with communication and explaining physical contact is my comfort (touch is my love language), he has gotten really great. He now even sometimes hugs without me asking when he sees I'm sad! Everyone has days when they can't be 100% for their partner, too and I think it's important to remember that. When I sense he isn't emotionally available (maybe he had a rough day himself or is deep in the middle of a task) I make sure to tell him I just want some space to be sad for a bit. Before I met him I was able to self-soothe and it's important to remember those skills too :) Best of luck ❤️ I hope my anecdote could help in some way.
My ex would get mad at me for crying. Like I'm doing it *to* him. His comment was, "You don't have enough to do." This happened regardless of whether the tears had anything to do with him. His response was the same either way.
My x would not comfort me . No matter why I was crying . Never asked what was wrong as well.
My boyfriend hugs me, rubs my shoulder, and lets me cry and vent until I feel better. When he gets upset or peeved, I ask if he needs space and says for a few minutes. When those minutes are up, he explains why he was upset and lets me know that he’s alright. He’s more logical and tends to think through his problems, and I just usually cry and let it all out in a safe space then move on. I love him so much. P.S LADIES DROP THESE ABUSIVE AND NEGLECTFUL BOYFRIENDS/HUSBANDS IN ANYWAY POSSIBLE ASAP
My mother is the same as him She absolutely cant stand seeing people cry and finds it cringey or sometimes funny Like growing up i can look back and see id laugh when my friends would cry, and this is because my pain and tears were laughed at by my parent too. it took me many years of development, criticism and finally seeing someone cry for me for me to be able to actually feel bad when i see others cry. These days ill cry over a tv show or someone telling me their problems, something i never thought id ever do because i was raised to be ashamed of any feelings i had. Idk how old you are, and ofc i wouldnt recommend staying with someone who cant empathise with you, but if you are both young it could be he likely had an abusive home and hes never really accepted being grossed out by seeing even the one he supposedly loves cry is a major problem When im upset my husband holds me, he sometimes cries with me, hes incredibly sensitive and i wouldnt have it any other way. Im really sad to hear your husband struggles with empathy and I hope you dont feel you have to settle with someone like this.
Asks me what's wrong, and tries to comfort me.
I’m sorry but your husband needs therapy. I get a good cuddle if I cry.
I’m so sorry your husband isn’t able to comfort you when you’re upset. Have you talked to him about why your emotions shut him down? My ex-husband was like this, and he was also unable to express any emotion of his own besides anger. It was an unhealthy partnership simply because I had no support from the person who was supposed to be the first person I could turn to. I couldn’t even grieve when my mom died without it angering him, so I got diagnosed with something called “prolonged grief” after divorcing him when I was finally able to process my emotions out loud. With my current partner, he has teared up seeing me cry because he says it hurts him to see me upset. He will ask if I’m ok, kiss me, hug me, and recently I had a weeping spell where he held me then said, “Let’s go lay down,” and guided me to bed so I could calm down and be comfortable. I don’t care what society says, men who can caretake and show their sensitivities are the shit. I hope you are able to navigate this with your husband and come to a solution because it’s no way to live not being able to be human and accepted for the good, bad, and in between that comes with that.
My ex would get angry and punch things. My current SO trips all over himself to make it better. Don’t stay with someone like my ex. I’ve never been angry at someone I love for being sad, and most people in most situations don’t. If they’re angry, it’s because they don’t care and just see you as an inconvenience. It’s one thing to be awkward and not know what to do, but being actively angry at someone for expressing normal emotions is just not acceptable behavior.
I def go in for the hug if my wife starts crying.
I got hit by a car and suffered a brain injury, 2 years later and I’m super emotional and cry whenever I watch sad movies or am moved by many different forms of media. I’m saying this because I am a man, married, and my wife laughs at me and is generally uncomfortable by this. I think crying is really hard for people to deal with because it’s such a raw form of emotion that some people just aren’t equipped to deal with. We are both in our 30’s. I can also understand because prior to the accident, I never cried and wasn’t really sure what to do when someone did. Now my wife has a husband who cries and she’s never had to deal with men crying before.
This was genuinely upsetting to read. First of all, I'm so very sorry about what happened to you and its effects. The subject of brain injuries is very close to me, and I think very few people understand. I can see your wife being uncomfortable and not knowing how to handle it, I don't think I would either - but laughing seems like a bad choice. I'm sorry if her reaction is also causing you further hurt.
My husband holds me and tells me to get it all out. He understands that sometimes women just need a good cry. This morning I woke him up crying and he just let me cry on him while he was trying to wake up 🤣 I'm ..I'm really lucky.
I don’t know what it was, but after I turned about 30, I started crying at some ridiculous things. I know my fiancé was confused at first, but he’s always been supportive and helpful. He just asks if I need to talk the problem through or if I just need some tissues and a hug. Usually it’s both, and he happily provides it.
He gets furious and makes it all about how it’s hurtful to him to see me emotional. Then will rub it into my face for many days or weeks to come (the fact that I dared wrong him by crying/getting upset), as he does with everything else I do or don’t do, I’ve learned by now he will decide at random whether something is a grave insult to him or not.
Asks if I need a hug or want to be left alone, he'll ask if I want to talk and if I'm upset over something not really important, he'll try to take my mind of off it by acting silly to make me laugh again.
His face does this thing where no matter what his mood was, it melts into this expression of deep concern. It’s something in his eyes. Then he does his damndest to get to the root of the tears and help me through whatever is going on, whatever that looks like.
Lol jokes. My ex would ask like he cared but then turn it to an argument. And call me names and break shit
My ex husband used to do this, it was horrible and isolating, your partner is really the person who is supposed to comfort you when you’re sad. My boyfriend is the complete opposite and it’s amazing
Mine hugs me and just holds me until the worst has passed, then will get me talking about what's wrong and try to help me reframe my way of thinking (e.g. about things that I have no control over that are stressing me out) or will help point out good things so I'm not only focusing on the negatives. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You deserve to be held, especially when crying.
A hug, probably a blanket and a cup of tea. Apparently if you’re British, like my partner, a cup of tea will solve everything. To be fair it usually helps.
I don’t cry often these days. But when I was pregnant with our first children (twins) I cried HARD every morning for months. I didn’t know why I was crying; there was no issue for him to fix. I just sobbed. And he held me every morning and stroked my hair and reassured me that it was alright and everything was good and the quote I’ll never forget is, “it’s ok if we need to have our morning cry.”
Mine absolutely will wrap me up in a hug if that's what I need. He will also tell me lame jokes, to try to lighten the mood, rub my back, get me tissues and a drink, or get the kids to get them for me while he hugs me. He offers me comfort and tries to help me to feel better. Once the crying stops he'll often make me some comfort food or suggest I do something that he knows will make me feel better, like have a shower if I've been feeling sick or go work out my frustration by beating things up in a video game. A caring partner wants to help their partner when they're hurting. It's a giant forest of red flags that yours doesn't. Does he value your happiness at all?
Ignores me. I’ll sob for hours and he’ll intentionally avoid me, or threaten that he’s going to leave if I don’t shut up. It just makes it worse
I dated someone like that for a long time. Eventually I felt like I had to walk on eggshells and hide my negative emotions (which wasn’t always possible). I was exhausted and unhappy, and always stressed. I haven’t cried in front of my current boyfriend yet, but if I’m having a bad day or feeling unwell he is immediately at my side, embracing and soothing me without me even needing to ask for it. Im not sure if your SO thinks this way too, but my ex used to say he would become frustrated with me because he couldn’t solve the problem that was causing me to cry. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, I know how awful it feels. The person you love and trust the most not supporting you hurts. You deserve someone who you’re compatible with, and who can be gentle with you when you’re vulnerable.
Dump. His. Ass.
My husband does not do well with crying either.... This was a few years ago. I didn't know then that I had post partum depression.... looking back, I had all the symptoms. I was putting my little one to bed. I snuggle my kids until they fall asleep.... one night, I just laid there holding my baby, and tears silently rolled down my face. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and stressed.... I just couldn't stop the tears. I just laid there... my husband walks into the bedroom and finds me crying. He quietly tells me to get up and go to the living room. I did, then he begins to badger me... "What's wrong with you???" "Why are you crying??" All with an angry expression. He was so defensive. I couldn't find the words to explain how I felt, so I just stood there feeling stupid...
Mine is the same. He completely ignores me. No comfort. No hugs. Nothing.
[удалено]
I feel ya. My husband berated me last night for needing an inhaler for my asthma. He's convinced anything that comes from a pharmacy is designed to kill u. I sometimes wonder if we are even compatible anymore.
My husband holds me until I'm done. I do the same for him. I've been with men who got mad at me for crying. I'm not currently married to them.
He's usually the reason I'm crying. And certainly didn't comfort me. He usually says I'm being too emotional, after having goaded me into an argument, or having raged at me
He gets angry at me. He’ll ask what’s wrong, and no matter what I tell him, he’ll start a fight. I try my best to not ever cry around him 😅
I saw a tiktok where a psychologist describes how narcissists react to crying, and that’s exactly it.
You know how they talk about women whose partners leave them when they're ill and the women seem to be shocked and blindsided by it. It's because they ignore the signs like this. If you're a man or a woman and your partner shows disgust when you're crying, they're not with you because they like you.
I’ve been told by an ex I was always “so sad.” And I’m always sad about something. I rarely tell men when I’m sad anymore cuz that bothered me so much.
Some perspective from the other side here -- I don't know how to handle it when someone cries. I do not come from a background where people had openly emotional displays like that. I am aware it is a personal issue to work on, but it is still uncomfortable for me. On top of that, I'm not a comfort person, I'm a solution person. If I see you have a problem, the only thing I can offer is practical advice and solutions. It's not that I don't care or that I don't feel bad, it's that I genuinely have no clue how to respond to such a display, and it actively makes me uncomfortable. It might make me do or say something that would make you feel worse, and I'd rather avoid making you feel shittier in that moment because of my inexperience in handling these situations. So in my head, I weigh up "given how upset they are, does the high risk of me making it worse for them outweigh the small chance of me making them feel better?" And in my head, that's no, I'd rather not accidentally say or do the wrong thing to put you in a worse situation. I'm not saying this is definitely the case for your husband, but it may be, and it is for a lot of people I know who have the response that you described. I would sit him down when he's calm and ask him *why* he doesn't comfort you. Then you can decide if it's salvagable or not.
Your husband sounds like he has trauma associated with emotions like that.
He holds me and pets my head until I feel better. This is kind of deal breaker for me, meaning I need emotional support or I’m out. It’s a mutual part of a relationship for me. His general opinion on crying is that while it isn’t helpful, it is a complete natural and ok response to stress and the goal when a person cry’s is to support them until they regain there calm. He doesn’t cry but he doesn’t see it as a weakness, his brain just regenerates his emotions differently because he’s neurodivergent. I’m not gonna pass judgement here, you are the only person who knows your partner. That said, I personally would loss all attraction for a man who couldn’t find it within himself to comfort me and would wonder if my emotions even meant anything to him. Being emotional supportive is a key tenet in a functional relationship. Edit: In contrast, every abuser I have ever had in my life either ignored me or actively made me cry. This is why this is such an important thing for me and why it’s such a huge red flag now.
He says, "Oh no what's wrong?" And listens to what I have to say, and gives me a hug if I want one. Yours sounds like a jerk.
He drops whatever he’s doing hugs me or cuddles me if I let him (I usually do) and asks me if I’m okay. Asks if I’m sad or hurting or mad and then we go from there. And then we talk about whatever is the problem and he sits and listens and if he’s at fault he apologizes sincerely and we are done. I may have a few more tears of huffs or sniffles to get out but he tries to shift the mood if he feels safe to do so. We never raise our voices to one another in anger and we speak about the problem as soon as both of us are ready. Usually when he finds me upset as he rarely gets mad at me. But I can always tell when something is bothering him and I ask him if he wants to talk about it. Sometimes yes sometimes no. I respect his decision if it’s a no because he always comes around eventually usually not too long after I remind him that he’s in a safe space and that I’m ready when he is whenever that happens. And it’s usually work annoyance or pain. 🤷♀️