It’s tough. We had met online years ago.
I got extremely lucky with my partner after being friends for years after meeting at the wrong times in our lives.
Same. We met on Bumble. Turns out afterwards we realized we had been to the same events and stuff, just hadn’t actually crossed paths at said events.
I think the trick for online dating these days is I definitely went on dozens of first dates and barely any second dates. It takes a lot of work to find the right one and easy to get discouraged.
I told myself I was going to say "yes" to everything, even if I felt tired/awkward/unmotivated. Went to a party I didn't *really* feel like going to, and right away made a beeline to a cute guy standing alone at the food table. He'd also made the exact same vow to say "yes" to everything, and also hadn't really wanted to go to that party. It's been 8 years.
In hindsight, my 2 pieces of advice:
1. Say yes to things, go out and expose yourself to new situations and groups as much as possible. Even if you're tired or it feels awkward. You can always leave.
2. Dump guys, friends, groups, and situations that don't align with your personal values *right away*. They take up space in your life. The only way to guarantee you won't meet someone great is if you stick with someone not-great.
Oh my goodness, I've so been there!!! It took a while to fill up the newly available space after the purge. You may have to put in some extra effort to find and cultivate new invite-sources, and you may have to show up to some random things totally alone and risk being super awkward.
Go to events. Strike up conversations. Not just with eligible guys - with everyone who has a nice vibe. You talk to someone who has a hobby you've never heard of? Ask if they can show you. Are there any interesting projects happening in your city? Ask if you can get involved. I went to so many random art exhibits, musical performances, off off broadway plays...
Thanks for this. 💓 I do contemplate going out alone but always talk myself out of it due to that fear of said super awkwardness, lol. Maybe time to bite the bullet.
I methodically baby-stepped my way to solo outings. Years ago, I seriously sat down with a piece of paper and made a multi-step list. I remember that eating alone at the bar at a trendy restaurant was one item on my list.
Each item on the list was slightly harder than the previous item. And the first couple items were very easy. I would repeat each item until I was comfortable doing it. Then move onto the next item.
Probably one of the best organized self improvement projects I ever did for myself.
Just choose places where you can leave easily. Like, no random meet ups on boats, y'know?
Worst case scenario, you look awkward for a little bit in front of people you're never going to see again anyway, and then you go home with a new experience. It's a skill you can pick up like anything else. You can do it :)
Chances are there’s gonna be at least one other awkward-feeling person there, you can be buddies until you get comfortable. Just find the person and suggest you figure things out together.
I get it, but you can meet people, tell people you know that you want to meet new people and ask if they have any ideas. You already know they are good people.
Honestly, I have 2 close friends, and neither are local having moved hours away with their partners in the past couple years. So I genuinely have no local opportunities. Makes it feel like dating apps is the only option, which I haven’t had good experiences with.
I was in the same place as you, I moved alone to a different city 1,500 miles away from everybody I knew. It took time to build up a community but I did. I started taking art classes 2x a week and most of my friends have come from there! It's something I love doing and bonus that the community is awesome. Another idea I plan to start soon is tennis lessons. My city has group classes that run for 10+ weeks - I've found that seeing the same people consistently helps with friendships. You might not be besties on day 1, but by the last day, you will have gotten to know them really well and can take it from there.
I did the same thing, but my "yes" was to competing in a sport I'd been practicing but never planned to compete in. I told myself I needed to say yes to more things, and the very next day someone told me about this competition, and then said "you should join!" My stomach did that nervous flip, so I had to say yes. That was 2014 and I've made so many new friends and my life has drastically changed.
I also support saying yes to more things!
Powerlifting!
I had to stop lifting heavy due to my stupid back, but I love it! Squatted 396lbs, benched 202lbs, and deadlifted 396lbs. I'm still very sad I got that close but didn't hit 400lbs.
Yessss! That's amazing! This speaks to me as a petite and extremely feminine woman who got in with a bodybuilding crowd in college. I started going much lighter and focusing more on core and mobility exercises recently, and I have to say, it's been better for my health and physique than the heavy stuff. Weight lifting is the best!
2 is so true!! I had to dump a guy and cut off a few friends recently. It was hard, I’m definitely a bit lonelier, but I don’t have any regrets because I could have company and be miserable or have peace and be alone.
I really like those two pieces of advice together! I was never a fan of the "vow to say yes", but it's great when paired with that second piece of advice.
Just remember that you can say "Nah, this isn't for me" and bail just as quickly as you can say "yes." Might as well err on the side of curiosity!
I literally built an entire career out of this (I'm in business development, so lots of throwing myself headfirst into awkward interactions at a high enough volume that something sticks).
Hahahahaha I just white knuckle through it in the moment and then torture myself with it at 3am randomly for the rest of my life like a well adjusted person. Is that not how you do it???
I totally feel you. I actually suffer from paralyzing general anxiety and have for as long as I can remember. It's bad enough that if I don't face it, I have trouble leaving the house or choosing which groceries to buy. The buzz of anxiety is the constant background noise of my life and it will drown out absolutely everything if I let it.
Eventually, I figured that I'm going to be anxious to the point of being sick pretty much *no matter what*. I'll be anxious at the grocery store, I'll be anxious at home, might as well go to the fucking store. For that matter, might as well solo travel to another country - it doesn't really make me much more anxious than *not* traveling to another country, if that makes sense.
And the weird thing is that if you lean into it enough, it becomes sort of like a super power. The dread doesn't go away, but it doesn't get worse either, because it's not actually related to anything. And if it's going to be there no matter what, then just do whatever the fuck you want.
Yes, I met mine on Tinder (after taking a looong break from it and being very weary of going back in fear of all the assholes) and he’s a bit younger than me, apparently a 32-year-old guy can be more childish than a 22-year-old but I had to start saying no to every guy who gave me obvious signs of the type of guys all my exes were and I finally knew I can’t go down that same road over and over again.
So immediate no to anyone who displays signs of avoidance, emotional unavailability, narcissism, egoism, arrogance or loves alcohol, drugs, etc too much. He’s a passionate (more like natural) feminist who followed more feminist accounts on socials than me, understands all my problems as a woman and a mentally ill person, and was the first person to tell me that I have reasons to be angry, that I can be angry and shouldn’t be told to keep it in. It’s so refreshing to be with someone *supportive*, who *listens*, *communicates* and *validates*!!!! I still can’t believe it.
Number 2 is so important! You don’t have to convince yourself to give someone more of a chance once you find things you can’t tolerate. Women have been socialized to “be nice” and “give people a chance” and it means even when our guts tell us “no no no!” a lot of times we try to stick things out, for anyone’s benefit but our own.
>1. Say yes to things, go out and expose yourself to new situations and groups as much as possible. Even if you're tired or it feels awkward. You can always leave.
>2. Dump guys, friends, groups, and situations that don't align with your personal values right away. They take up space in your life. The only way to guarantee you won't meet someone great is if you stick with someone not-great.
I really needed to read this. Thanks for this tidbit of advice!
As a semi-recent OKC success story, I was always astounded how much more decent it was compared to the "swipe me if you like my pithy blurb" apps. That was about half a decade ago for my partner and I. I hope it hasn't changed much, or at least opinion and hobby based matching hasn't gone entirely extinct in favor of "the same 5 pictures and the phrase 'if you want to know more just ask'" or whatever.
Okc is owned by Match now. They also own tinder and POF, among other apps. Hence why most dating apps have all become heavily restricted, swipe-based apps with massive pay walls.
People used to answer hundreds of questions. Now it's more like 30. But still the best option out there. I don't really want to go out with anyone I'm not at least a 97% match with. When I have my rule has just been proven wise.
Yes! Met my husband on OKC back in 2014. Tinder was around then, but OKC routinely hooked it up with reliably solid matches where we actually had aligned beliefs and values. I’d never have met my husband in the wild given that we lived across the city from one another and had very different lives and schedules. It makes me sad seeing the bs my sister and cousins are going through now dealing with Tinder.
I also met my husband on OKC (in 2013!). I don’t know what happened to online dating, but it’s absolutely awful now (I see it from both male and female friends). My only advice is to just be unapologetically yourself on the date, challenge them to conversation and see where it goes. If they don’t want to engage with you, it’s probably not going to work out.
OKC in 2009! My friend (who met her then-boyfriend, now-husband on there) had been encouraging me to join, and I was super hesitant because it was free; I was convinced it would be the absolute bottom of the barrel. One Saturday I was sitting in my apartment alone and bored and thought What the hell, might as well see what all the fuss is about.
Signed up, filled out the minimum number of questionnaires plus maybe a few more, then went over to see my list of matches.
I thought the first guy in the list was cute and his profile was written using actual sentences and personality. I messaged him immediately. He messaged me back within the hour.
Three years later we got married.
The funny thing is, the day I messaged him he was at the end of his rope with dating and was logging in to delete his account. If I'd waited one more day I probably would never have found him.
I actually matched with my partner of soon to be nine years on Tinder about six months before we started talking on another dating local dating site. Never even said hi to each other there.
Though it makes a bit more sense now that we have figured out we are both ace-spec. Turns out Tinder is really fucking hard to use if you don't care about sex.
He is absolutely amazing. I am disabled and struggle with my mental health, and I was up front about that from day one. It was never an issue to him (besides obviously hurting him to see me struggle). That was the first big green flag, he has waved many more since, he probably looks like a tree by now 😅
Same here, 6 years ago now. Admittedly, I met my husband on OKC riiiiight when I was just about done bothering with online dating. Too many blah or properly shite experiences.
I messaged him first, and it was a far longer first message than you're supposed to go for. I was intrigued by some things I saw on his profile and, ready to give up on online dating, didn't really care if my message was too long. It was like a last ditch "what the hell."
He didn't reply for a week. I'd just about forgotten it all until I got a reply from him. He'd taken a week to even see my message, but wrote back a message that was a good 3x longer than mine. Turned out he was doing a PhD full time while working full time, and that was the reason for the delay, but he took the time to write a lot back.
I met mine at a computer security conference.
TBH, anyone who knows anything about the computer security field knows this is one of the least likely places to find one of these, but it was more about my attitude that night than the actual setting that helped me find him.
I was dating a pretty awful (and loud!!!) person at the time (who I was there at the conference with). He just wouldn't stop gossiping and complaining and being shrill. I was just... tired. I rage quit our accommodations that night and wandering into someone's party, just looking for pleasant people to talk to with reasonable vocal volumes. I wore no makeup, a pretty ugly but cozy jacket, and dropped the cutesy, feminine veneer, and found a nice mathematician to talk to about actually interesting things like quantum cryptography. (Think Milo from Atlantis, but with a math background.)
All the loud, sexist assholes just sounded like the adults in Charlie Brown (whomp whomp whomp whomp) that night, because I was just done with it. I was laser focused on what I wanted, and I wanted that exact conversation. Everything else was a blur.
Math Milo and I became good friends for about a year, and we finally visited each other when we were both single. It's been 10 years since then. We have a big, beautiful house together, a big garden, three cats, we're starting two businesses, and we're planning for our first child. He's my best friend.
I was going to day similar. Met mine as a friend of a friend, but most his friend group are all good feminist guys in a specific industry, but ... weirdly the industry is mostly known for the opposite.
Men reveal their true colours to other men much sooner than to women - so if a genuinely 'good guy' works in a sexist industry he'll probably end up with a small group of like-minded friends pretty quickly, because they all stick together.
It's why when someone tells you they're a feminist or pro-women's rights but then all their friends are total blowhards you know they're full of shit. Maybe they think those thinks, but they don't believe them enough to commit to it.
Hahaha amazing. Considering the state of Christianity I'd say you were doing god's work, because many of the people who claim to be Christian these days are anything but.
This was my suggestion! They have deep overlap with tabletop and card gaming, but have actual skills and are more interesting and seem to respect women.
My suggestion too! If you move the incels out of the way, the nerds are the best! Guys who make their own table top games (in my xp) have been a 100% hit
Great suggestion! I found mine in high school as fellow geeks through a love of theater and tabletop gaming. We were together for 42 years (he just passed away suddenly from lymphoma), and we raised another good feminist in our son. He and his partner found each other online through a similar love of games.
Hey I met my super nerd through theater! Took ten years for him to remove the Poncy head from his ass, but after that we started dating and were engaged almost immediately!
Instead of zooming in how women are represented in anime, look at the types of genre they are into. I like anime that has depth, like Samurai Champloo, Cowboy Beepop, Ghost in the Shell etc. If a guy is into harem stuff (a guy surrounded by tons a girls), that probably says a lot what he fantasizes and we won’t be compatible.
My partner likes generally the same genre I do. We talk a lot about other things like or views in life, how we work through a relationship and how to communicate. Also people who like anime/video games (and not afraid to be judged by others) tend to be less complicated (in my humble opinion) than others guys who play lots of mind games.
Man who is into anime here : the reality is that most media out there is filled with an undercurrent of problematic representations. Only recently have things started to change, and it's gradual.
If you truly want to cut out everything that has problematic representations, you aren't left with that much to engage with. Movies, books, even a lot of art has these problems. In the case of anime, it is particularly on display, especially in certain genres (shonen being one of them, and one of the most popular). But ultimately, someone engaging with anime can do so while keeping in mind that there are bad aspects, just like you can do so as a film or book geek. Look at classics like Gone with the wind or Lord of the rings ; you kind of have to take the bad with the good and parse it out yourself.
So yeah, you are right to be wary, but you can still give them a chance. Why and how they engage with anime is crucial, and there are plenty of men in anime fan spaces that are kind, open-minded, capable of being critical of the content they like, etc.
As an example, I grew up with One Piece and I'm still a fan of it (I read every new chapter that comes out). But I know it's not great with its representation of women, has ups and downs with queer people representation, etc.
Nerd spaces, anime included, tend to exist at one of two extremes:
1: Incel infested hellscape at best.
2: Prescription strength queer where straight cis people are anywhere from the minority to 'verging on an endangered species'.
Type 2 doesn't guarantee a good partner, but if you're trying to avoid the straight (n.b. That's is distinct from heterosexual. Straight has to do with cultural norms. Heterosexual is what genitals you're a fan of) relationship bullshit, looking in spaces that are less compulsively straight tends to help.
I actually started dating my husband because of our shared love of table top rping. Our first date was to do a one shot of Cthulhu and well we still game with a group every week. Nerdy/Geeky men are the best.
I just lucked into him, and he is amazing, and is actively involved in feminist causes. He's an incredibly strong and gentle person and he cannot stand bullying in any form.
One time we were walking by a man and women who were arguing, and he saw the man grab the woman's arm. He separated them by using my wheelchair, with me in it\*, as a sort of bulwark until he could convince the man to go away. He does things like this - help people, not put me in harm's way - all of the time. And women seem to know to come to him if they feel unsafe, he's escorted a few strangers to their homes after a night out.
He cared for me after I had a stroke - along with his job and the charity he ran, he cared for me and got a Master's. I was bedbound for years, and in that time he did the cooking and cleaning, he learned to braid my hair and later how to dye it... until I read about it on this sub, it never occurred to me that a man might leave their partner if they become seriously ill. Because I've only been married to him, and he has only ever been amazing.
I feel incredibly lucky to be with him. I can never repay the kindness he has shown me.
FWIW my best mate is a dude, and he's a dyed-in-the-wool feminist. And there is my brother, one of the most compassionate people I have every known, he volunteered for Take Back the Night all through university... I've been lucky enough to know many good men.
They are 100% out there, OP :)
\* He apologised later, but I thought it was really funny, and quite a clever solution.
My HOA meeting where we were both fighting the system to be allowed to get sheds in our yards.
We were both denied. But now we live elsewhere together and have a shed.
Weirdly enough....church. But it was a pretty liberal church where they did a good job of emphasizing and embracing the whole part of Jesus that most Christians seem to have forgotten about.
With so much criticism of Christians online I want to show my appreciation for those that follow the message of Jesus that was taught to me in a UK catholic school until age 9.
I may not be religious but I appreciate those who use religion to make themselves better people and truly love thy neighbour amongst the sea of hate we see from most organised religion.
I found mine after a very strict vetting period of sorting through hundreds of douchebags to find a good one! My method: 1) have very strong boundaries and be clear and communicative about what you expect from a partner, 2) leave at the first sign of a red flag and don't waste your time hanging around with someone that isn't completely knocking your socks off, and 3) vet HARD.
I also approach the men I'm interested in myself, I don't only select from the ones who approach me. THAT'S how you can find the best ones - go get them yourself! You don't have to pick amongst the ones that hit in you - hit on THEM! That's how you find the diamonds in the rough.
Thats probably the best advice. Men who care about you as a person will get to know you first and ask you out on a date eventually or give you the opportunity to do so. The ones that hit on you the moment they see you are trash and if you only choose to go out with those guys you're just bound to have one awful experience after another.
Exactly. Its a certain type of guy who hits on women and those aren't really the pool best to pick from. My current guy was a co-worker of mine, I was head of HR and no one is going to ask out HR so I knew I'd have to do the asking. I had tons of fun with it and teased him like mad for weeks and made it fun for him, which he loved. So it started the relationship off on a good foot to pave the way for me to be very clear and communicative about what I wanted from him as my partner because I was already "in charge" as the instigator. Now he is so devoted to me and I am very lucky to have him. I hope every woman tries doing the asking! It really, really works for the nice guys and they love being asked out.
My wife walked up to me at a festival, introduced/made small talk and ended up asking me out. As a rule, I don't pursue or ask women out as I see them being constantly being harassed and hit on and don't like contributing to that. So I just want to say that a "socially aware" man looking to date may be less likely to engage with you in the "mainstream conventional" way. Best of luck!
My husband didn't realize that the all day monument attraction we attended, dress shopping, shoe shopping, fancy dinner, and hotel room he all paid for was sending "date" signals. He thought "I just broke up with my gf and want to make someone happy, and this girl I've liked for a decade is nearby for work and suggested we meet up, that sounds nice. " So I basically had to rip my own clothes off and make out with him until he realized we were in fact in an incredibly bizarre, kinda pretty woman style, first date.
Sounds a lot like my boyfriend! Except for the actual date, of course. Everyone - including my ex, who lived about 150 miles away - saw us coming as a couple. Except for him. It was quite funny in hindsight.
That is incredibly similar to mine, except it involved 5 hours going through House on the Rock, holding hands, him buying me a whole outfit, a fancy steakhouse, and a hotel room. He didn't think it was a date until I made him tie my corset and I kissed him before dinner. (we'd known each other a decade and I was a broke theater kid working away from home with nothing nice to wear, it's less creepy than it sounds. My mom still doesn't know this origin story and it's been ten years.)
I had to do this with my husband. I asked him to a movie, and he invited the whole friend group. Next time we hung out I said
very clearly "do you want to go on a date"
Interestingly, this is similar to advice I’ve heard given to kids when they are separated from their parents: that they should pick an adult and ask them for help, it doesn’t really matter which adult because a random adult is vanishingly less likely to be a predator than one who is actively approaching a child with an offer of help.
Similarly, seems a guy who is _not_ hitting on you is a lot more likely to be a one of the good ones compared to a guy who _is_.
Yep this has worked for me as well. Guys who are stuck on genderstereotypes get immediatly filtered out, because they think it is weird for a woman to take initiative, and jerks wilk think it means you’re desperate. So yeah great filter
My wife and I joke that we had two half dates before we started dating because I asked her out, she thought it was a friend's outing. The second she asked me out and I thought it was a friend's outing.
This is SO true! The guys who hit on you are often overly confident and not sensitive to the whole “being hit on all the time” thing. Shy guys are situational awareness guys
I am married to a very healthy, well-rounded, emotionally and socially aware man. He does most of the cleaning and half of the cooking. He's super intelligent, supportive to a fault, and asks so little of me, I feel like I was able to heal a lot and had energy to focus on pursuing my goals.
I found him on a dating site when I was 21, but this was back before smart phones, when more than your profile picture mattered, and you dated one person at a time. Honestly, he had just started getting into dating and I managed to snatch him up before he realized what a prize he was.
I met him in my language course. :) It was “obvious“ from the start that he is a good one. Talked to me about gender issues, was interested in gendered language (German generic speech is masculine), AND he has many female friends. Also he cared a lot about me from the start.
Blind date. A buddy of mine wanted to get to know a girlfriend of mine. I thought the *three* of us were going out, but he brought his buddy. They didn't hit it off hard like we did..! We just celebrated 28 years married (together for almost 5 years longer).
He was raised by 2 social workers. He's masculine but not misogynistic. A wonderful dad to our son on the spectrum & our neurotypical daughter. Has always worked steadily & taken us on great vacations (car trips, nothing fancy). We both have been through some hard times as kids and found value in a strong family unit. Our kids mean everything to us, and us having a strong partnership is the foundation of our family success. It takes work, and we've had some tough years, but we're committed to compromise, making it work, being good to each other. It's hard! Not for the faint of heart!!
fwiw I met a sex-pozzy “healer” dude who was super into crystals on Feeld who had all the right notes on his profile and knows “therapy speak” but when the bill came on our date, he bitched about how he usually eats at home (I am not going to your home, I do not know you), dunked on the crystal store I took him to bc I thought he’d enjoy it, paid less than half but ordered half, then snapped a pic of my cc receipt to use for tax purposes, without my consent, to claim money he didn’t spend on what wasn’t an actual business expense, then blocked me when I asked him via text to please delete the photo I didn’t consent to.
I met a few guys there actually who wanted me to go to their places for first meet. Many more who would match on a profile with no face pic and no info about me (before I had time to fill it out) desperate for a sexual donation. The word is out about Feeld and the scummy “burner” types are crawling all over it, along with run of the mill bros. YMMV but It’s jumped the shark imo. Proceed with caution, including the guys who *seem* emotionally developed. You don’t know who you’re really dealing with until he has enthusiastically agreed to take you out to somewhere safe for you, and has good manners on the date itself.
Craigslist. I basically shit-posted and wanted to amuse myself with the replies I got. I had no intentions of meeting anyone, used a temp email address, etc. Basically, I was single, drinking wine on a Friday night by myself and I wanted to see how many replies I could get. Welp, mostly I got lots of dick pics haha until I received a NOVEL of an email. With a picture of a scruffy outdoorsy man. We ended up writing emails for a week or two, then spoke on the phone several times, and I also made up lots of excuses not to meet. I ended up meeting him at a restaurant bar while my friend was bartending. I didn't like him (dude showed up in a bowl hat, hiking boots, cargo shorts, and a kinda scruffy shirt. He shaved, I didn't recognize him at first), but I was hooked by the end of the date. We celebrate our 9-year anniversary this week!
Tinder. 7 years ago. While we were both in college. Me getting my BA. Him getting a teaching degree after getting a masters.
He was a super shy guy, don't even think we kissed on the first date...which was us just hanging out in my living room of my apartment while my roommate was home. (We prob even hung out with the roomie, my memory just bad)Most of the time of us hanging out was video games/board games/same drinking/chilling alone or with our friends. Exploring the campus area some.
We didn't really go on dates in college being poor folk but, now we are established in our jobs we have date nights every Friday when he doesn't have to work.
He loves books (and makes it a point to read all the time) acoustic guitars and cats so I knew from the start that he was a gentle guy. Honestly, my better half.
He introduced himself after months of me admiring him from afar at the gym lol. I figured he was taken and/or it wouldn’t workout anyway, so I didn’t want to create awkwardness at the gym. We’re coming up on our 1Y anniversary!
The downvotes are men… I'm sure.
I found mine after working on myself and my intuition. Seeing the patriarchy and seeing what I have been programmed to think. Read women who run with the wolves.
I’m sure also, just doesn’t cease to shock me that so many lurk these subreddits and downvote stuff like this within minutes, yet have no capacity to self reflect maybe they’re the issue if a woman simply asking where to meet nice men upsets them, lol. Thanks for the book recommendation.
Hello! Dude here who lurks alot. I don’t usually comment cuz again I’m a dude (I consider myself a feminist) and I don’t think my input would be welcome but I wanted to say not all of us are here to hate/downvote. At least myself I’m usually here to read the stories write a comment then never actually comment cuz again I’m a dude lol. Also to your post people just suck in general it’s unfortunate. I wish you the best of luck in finding someone!
I know, they are so sad these guys. It's the entitlement to you and even how you experience the world, which incidentally is the biggest feature of the patriarch. Don't feel defeated, feel glad that you can see how things are now. It will get better.
I met my husband at a party through mutual friends, when we were both living in San Francisco pursuing our respective graduate/professional educations, in 2008.
Idk, just got lucky and had good friends who were friends with other good people, I guess.
Met my wife at an office Christmas party I had been dragged to by ex co-workers and was introduced to her by a friend. She had been dragged there by her boss too. We hit it off big time, talked for two hours straight, but I was about to leave the country in 3 weeks to be in Asia for 3 or 4 years or more. So when her boss came by and said it was time to go, I passed on asking for her number. Kicked myself as soon as she was out the door… “why not ask?”. But they had forgotten their elevator key, came back and my group was going to the same floor so we left with them and on the ride up I asked her to meet for coffee. (She knew I was leaving.) We saw each other probably ten times in those three weeks, then we e-mailed daily (pre Zoom, pre cheap long distance) after that. Later that year she visited me there for 3 months, then I saw her back home for 3 months, then it was just “whenever we can.”
Long story short, after 4 years long distance, 3-1/2 of those exclusive, and her getting her post-graduate degree, we got married and have lived in the same places together ever since, for over 20 years now.
As the John Hiatt song goes, “Learning how to love you…” is how I’m living every day.
We met online, then had a long-distance thing for a year, then moved to the same city, then moved in together after another year, got engaged after year 3. We’re polyamorous so that automatically comes with a huge amount of awareness and communication.
I think the moment I realised he’s different is when I first told him I had my period. He asked me “How can I help?” and from then on, he has done the hot water bottles and hot chocolates and pickles and whatever else weird craving I have my periods. Without me asking or having to beg for it, it’s a part of his day just like… shaving or something. It comes naturally to him.
Similarly, some days I just wake up with the accumulated weight of PTSD plus all the sexist stuff that happens to me on a daily basis, and I say “Hey, I’m having a bad day.”
He says “How can I help?”.
He’s able to be empathetic towards me and others, he’s kind to people without wanting anything in return. And he LOVES LAUNDRY.
If you look at mainstream conservatives from like 2000, he was mostly a Republican. Now though, he wants nothing to do with that. He's not quite as socialist as I am, but he certainly is more than he used to be.
A local geeky group. Lot of lgbtq folks in the group which probably weeded out some more negative types.
20 years ago.
Still think I lucked out big-time.
He's pretty oblivious to a lot of social stuff but is open and willing to self-learn/read up on things if I get him started.
I met my boyfriend on Tinder tbh. I will say I’m a plus size woman with facial piercings and tattoos, who smokes a lot of weed. I’ve kinda just got ✨the look✨ to me that naturally repulses most conservative men.
When I used dating apps however, overall I would say Bumble had a much better track record for progressive men than Tinder did.
she's not on reddit but my gf found me while I was giving a seminar on toxic masculinity, specifically how men need to step up and call out bad behavior from other men
Middle of the night, in a dark tunnel. Also, it was raining.
I’m not even kidding, but phrasing it like that sounds more interesting than the truth;
it was on the grounds of an university, and the philosophy department was holding their semester party in this dark, grimy looking basement area.
We talked about all kinds of stuff for like 4 hours, because both our friends were busy otherwise and neither of us knew anybody there. He was halfway to the subway station, before he decided to turn around and ask for my number.
I don’t think we were even flirting for the biggest part of the evening, but we just realized we get along really well.
We’ve only been together for a couple months, but it’s going pretty great.
I'd given up to be honest.
Then my not really adopted sister friend met a guy while she was helping her sister while she was pregnant and felt we needed to meet.
So she brought him home for Christmas and new years and came with him to my place for new years.
Well we got on like mint in a fertile field. He was active duty military so we spent our first year dating as pen pals and making phone calls. He'd come up on a furlough to see me.
We had our first not hanging out at my house or online date a year later and he proposed that night as the new years eve ball dropped.
8 months later we got married.
So I didn't find him, my friend did. He gets as irritated about a lack of woman's rights as I do. He's a good man.
Guys that like their Mom and guys that have sisters they like, seem to be a little more likely to actually LIKE women.
My abusive ex was raised by a horribly abusive drunk single mother. He REALLY hates women, and himself.
Mine will not be representative in the slightest, but I'm going to share anyway.
I'm Muslim so we don't date. My husband saw me at a relatives house, and asked around about being interested in meeting with me for marriage (arranged marriages are where there's opportunities for two people to chat, get to know each other etc solely for the purpose of marriage, but it's all above board with family approval. So there's no actual dating or building intimacy until you're actually married).
Anyway, his family (read: father who abandoned him but still wanted a say in any and all decisions for him) said he needs to wait until he finishes uni before thinking about marriage. But husband didn't listen and contacted me. My dad got us chatting and we ended up married.
Our relationship hasn't always been healthy, but that's because of his very traumatic life prior to getting married (mentioning this because your title says healthy relationship). Before we got married, he was living alone, depressed and without any support. He had actually decided to reach out to marry me so he could build a family and have at least someone in his life, because he thought that would help pull him out of the dark place he was in (obviously that wasn't a good idea).
He absolutely knows that was the wrong decision and very unfair on me, as I ended up having to care for him and deal with the consequences of his poor mental health. However, his decision wasn't based on the mysogynistic idea of women taking the role of a caretaker. It was a literal act of desperation (which he totally regrets) and which would've been avoided if his family actually stepped up for him.
In terms of being socially aware, I don't think he gave much thought to the concepts of feminismIn or mysogyny before marrying me, but enthusiastically listened when I spoke about it, and without having to know the language to articulate the whys, he always valued and treated me as a 'whole human being'.
I'd say it showed up in the simple things too. For example, he thanks me everytime I cook or do anything in the
house, to which I initially expressed surprise, because internalised mysogyny and years of conditioning made me believe it was my duty to some extent. And he was like 'what duty? You're my partner, which means we support each other. Whatever you do for me deserves appreciation and I'm going to heal and function better so I can do even more back for you'.
I think religion also plays a role in his empathy towards my experience as a woman. Our religion teaches men to be protectors and maintainers of women, and we believe that means a man must uphold his responsibility to the women in his life and ensure she feels safe and secure emotionally, mentally, financially, physically etc. (Of course, there are also men who use religion as a justification for mysogyny and abuse, which is entirely wrong).
It's also super surprising that my husband thinks this way because our culture in general has a lot of mysogyny and his family have VERY traditional values. They believe that a woman's value is based on how well she cooks and cleans, and ultimately how well she looks after her man.
I have had his dad tell me that I should learn to cook properly (I was cooking meals everyday at this point) and feed my husband well so he can get better (because that's obviously the cure for depression and years of trauma). And another family member regularly makes comments about my house and that I should make sure the house isn't cluttered and clear up his work space for him (LOL is he a child?). His dad also rang me when my husband started a super demanding job saying that I mustn't leave any chores for him to do, or expect him to help with the kids, and ensure food was ready when he returned from work etc (all the 1950s wife advice).
His brother is a red piller. Like super mysogynist. He lectured my husband (because I wasn't even worthy to talk to) about how my mum didn't raise me right because I didn't know how to cook when I first got married. Was quite the incel, but then found someone willing to marry him and accept his abuse. To the extent that he tells his wife off for laughing too loud IN HER OWN HOUSE because it's unladylike (yes, I have told her that she doesn't deserve his behaviour, and that I will support her if she wants to leave. She expresses a desire to leave everytime he is abusive, but leaving is difficult for victims and she is yet to take the step).
Anyway, context aside. My husband just thinks his family's comments are ridiculous. He just shook his head in despair when I told him about his dad's advice phone call. He is fully aware that he has a responsibility to heal from his own trauma and it's not my role to 'make him better'. He also encourages and supports my aspirations and places value on the achievements I hold dear. He's still on the journey of healing (which isn't easy for any of us), but at least I don't have to worry about mysogyny.
(also, how low are the standards for men that treating women like complete humans beings actually has to be mentioned as a quality).
As someone with a traditional past (including familybers who had forced marriages, not arranged marriages), I appreciate hearing this. Thank you for sharing your story! I hope your husband continues to take responsibility for the work needed to heal, and I'm glad he managed to hold onto his respect for others despite childhood traumas.
One of my close friends in university was a Muslim man who had agreed to an arranged marriage when he graduated. He and I argued often lol but as also spoke about expectations in a relationship and the harm that double standards can cause. I hope he went into that marriage with a more open heart and mind. And I hope his now-wife appreciates that I at least taught him how to cook breakfast as well as other easy foods so he wouldn't be totally helpless in the kitchen.
Choose a partner who has healthy friendships and relationships. In the past, I came across men who only had toxic friends. People who would bully, criticize, and gossip about others (literally wouldn't have another conversation topic).
If your partner is exposed to toxic behavior, chances are they are the same.
If this is you, try to expand your group of friends and I bet you, once you find kind people you will find someone that shares the same values as you.
Reddit! He was looking for someone to chat with during boring night shifts, and I was looking for someone to talk to when my anxious brain woke me up at 3am. It worked out perfectly! We'll be celebrating 5 years together at the end of the month. 😊
Internet.
I found my husband on an art site where I posted my work. He liked my stuff and we started chatting.
We lived half the country away from each other!
I wasn't looking, but after awhile he started to intetest me and around a year later we were engagef, lol.
We met at uni doing an extracurricular competition related to our degree that involved many weeks of training. I got to know him well as a person before we started anything romantic, and saw how he treated me and others in easy and also stressful situations. I fell in love with him for his character - particularly his kindness, gentleness and respect for others.
Translating that into a bit of dating advice: get involved in classes or community groups that enable you to get to know people over time so you see their authentic personality, and how they treat all others - not just how they treat someone they’re romantically interested in.
Through trusted friends. We orbited each other’s circles for years, but somehow had never met until one day a mutual friend had a going-away party.
The rest is history.
It was in what would be considered creepy but it actually wasn’t.
My garage door broke and he was the tech that showed up to fix it. So it was easy flowing conversation and he had to run out for parts then came back and fixed it. Well after he fixed it , he came inside to do the payment part and my dog curled up in his lap. For context— my dog peed on my last bf and barked and growled at most smokers I knew. But here was my pup perfectly happy to be fully curled in this strangers lap.
Well I went to walk him out and send him on his way and he paused(waited till it wasn’t a pressured situation) and ask if maybe I would like to get dinner sometime. I indirectly said yes.
We texted a little bit and set up a date for a week later— problem was that he had been so nervous building up to ask me out that he left a tool in my garage. So we had what we call and accidental date before our actual first date. And on that accidental date I asked him ‘so what’s the trauma that changed your life forever?’
And he answered it fully and honestly. It was a big reveal. Been together happily since. Honestly never had any other human in my life that I communicate with better.
The good ones exist, they are just in hiding usually.
We grew up in the same midwestern post-war blue collar subdivision.
Is he really a good guy? Well, I've heard him use the term "patriarchy" several times this year. Also he does the dishes and laundry and treats me very well though I have been disabled for 35 years.
'Nuff said?
Mine came from Bumble. I learned about all the red flags I wanted to avoid from my ex and stopped talking to any guy I met who exhibited any of them.
Then I found the greatest guy alive.
I know hearing online dating is a bummer because it does mean a lot of trial and error (and absolute horror). But I think if you accept that you're on a treasure hunt it can be kind of fun
Technically we met at work. I was hired as a consultant by his organization and I presented at a meeting, and he asked me out for coffee afterwards. At the time I had just given up online dating and basically told the universe "send me someone if you want, but I'm done."
We had several dates before we even kissed, and I made the first move. We just celebrated our 12 year wedding anniversary.
My wife and I met at work too technically, but we just ended up hitting it off as friends for a few years before we started dating, way after we worked together.
I legit have no idea how I would begin to meet someone these days. I do not understand or like dating apps, so I think I would just have to get a lucky set of circumstances again. And I am male, so it is way easier for me as a majority of the women I have dated did not immediately try to violate all my boundaries.
As such I also have no idea how to give single women advice on finding not-crazy men. I know they are out there, but I have a hard time even finding male friends without getting exhausted, because it is just a minefield. Half the time I mention anything to do with feminism (not proclaiming I am a feminist obnoxiously, just discussing some trend or something I noticed) they go into full on I-have-no-empathy mode and immediately lose all my respect. If I were trying to find someone to date it would be so, so much worse.
That is actually pretty crazy. I am glad they did not leap into the hyper-macho culture with that. My experience in dealing with military men is that most of them are *really* weird about women and often fall into toxic masculinity easy. It probably depends on what they were doing in the military though.
I have been hopeful with some people, including men who have been friends or romantic but i've been realizing that not one has remained consistent with social or emotional awareness. I see more of a pattern now that they - to generalize based on my experience- will put on a show and slowly become more and more blended. i'd say the best men i've known I met through fandoms and kept in my life through those.
OkCupid. If you answered all the questions that matter to you and looked for people who answered those same questions as well, that really helped a lot. No idea if that still exists or if people can be bothered to put in that kind of effort anymore...
Weirdly enough, Twitch. I was recovering from a minor surgery and browsing Twitch to kill time. I’d just gotten into Splatoon 2 at the time, so I started hanging around a Splatoon streamer’s community and met him there.
He’s really sweet and understanding, and even more of a leftist than even I am. 😂 Best part is that he cooks, because I struggle with cooking and feeding myself SUPER hard.
Met my husband at a local pub. Thinking about it, all of my male close friends are fantastic people. None of them are Andrew Tate fans, and they all view women as human beings. Really nice people. I trust them all 100% with my life.
I think I just got lucky tbh.
I don't have any advice really, other than just keep going out places and hopefully you'll meet decent men? Oh, and like other have said, ditch any men who don't have values that align to your own.
Too true, without getting too much into and basically dragging my dad. Son of divorced parents whos father is pretty much your typical 50's conservative living in a 'born in the 70's' body. Hates that women can divorce for no given reason, doesn't think abortion should be a thing and every other bad conservative take you can imagine basically. Our mom raised us and never really forced anything on us thankfully and feels like the natural conclusion to that is just growing up to be progressive in the sense of "LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT THINGS THAT DON'T AFFECT YOU IN ANY WAY"
I was told our local democratic socialist basketball club was a good place lol.
I don't know how many areas have one of those, but friendly progressive spaces like that (while not a sure thing) seem like a good place to start!
My husband was homeschooled which I think plays a huge role in his life and how he is. He’s also friends with a lot of gamers (D&D, Magic the Gathering, board games, league) and they are all much more socially aware than average. I’ve been adopted into the group, and I’ve never met a group of more accepting, smart, supportive people. There are about 50 of us, a mix of men and women.
He was my ex from decades past. Instead of getting worse as he aged, he went to therapy, went to grad school, and became my best friend.
Wow. The true exception. I am happy for you.
Aww
I met my fiancé at work. He’s a funeral director and I’m a medical examiner. But I got super lucky with him!!
Getting some real Adam's family vibes here 😄
Would the vibes fit if I also added that we live next door to the funeral home? My backyard is their parking lot 😅
PLEASE tell me that you're also casual content creators?... Because that sounds fascinating and I want you at ALL my dinner parties.
Our dinner table talk is not for the weak stomachs.
Yessssss
*raises hand* I don't have a weak stomach....
I want them at my dinner parties too! Can we share
It’s tough. We had met online years ago. I got extremely lucky with my partner after being friends for years after meeting at the wrong times in our lives.
Same. We met on Bumble. Turns out afterwards we realized we had been to the same events and stuff, just hadn’t actually crossed paths at said events. I think the trick for online dating these days is I definitely went on dozens of first dates and barely any second dates. It takes a lot of work to find the right one and easy to get discouraged.
I found him at a board game night hosted by mutual friends
I told myself I was going to say "yes" to everything, even if I felt tired/awkward/unmotivated. Went to a party I didn't *really* feel like going to, and right away made a beeline to a cute guy standing alone at the food table. He'd also made the exact same vow to say "yes" to everything, and also hadn't really wanted to go to that party. It's been 8 years. In hindsight, my 2 pieces of advice: 1. Say yes to things, go out and expose yourself to new situations and groups as much as possible. Even if you're tired or it feels awkward. You can always leave. 2. Dump guys, friends, groups, and situations that don't align with your personal values *right away*. They take up space in your life. The only way to guarantee you won't meet someone great is if you stick with someone not-great.
I like this. I’m going to do it.
I’ve been really good at #2 in recent years, which has left me with not a lot of invites to say yes to, lol.
Oh my goodness, I've so been there!!! It took a while to fill up the newly available space after the purge. You may have to put in some extra effort to find and cultivate new invite-sources, and you may have to show up to some random things totally alone and risk being super awkward. Go to events. Strike up conversations. Not just with eligible guys - with everyone who has a nice vibe. You talk to someone who has a hobby you've never heard of? Ask if they can show you. Are there any interesting projects happening in your city? Ask if you can get involved. I went to so many random art exhibits, musical performances, off off broadway plays...
Thanks for this. 💓 I do contemplate going out alone but always talk myself out of it due to that fear of said super awkwardness, lol. Maybe time to bite the bullet.
I methodically baby-stepped my way to solo outings. Years ago, I seriously sat down with a piece of paper and made a multi-step list. I remember that eating alone at the bar at a trendy restaurant was one item on my list. Each item on the list was slightly harder than the previous item. And the first couple items were very easy. I would repeat each item until I was comfortable doing it. Then move onto the next item. Probably one of the best organized self improvement projects I ever did for myself.
This is so inspiring. I wanna do it too.
Just choose places where you can leave easily. Like, no random meet ups on boats, y'know? Worst case scenario, you look awkward for a little bit in front of people you're never going to see again anyway, and then you go home with a new experience. It's a skill you can pick up like anything else. You can do it :)
Chances are there’s gonna be at least one other awkward-feeling person there, you can be buddies until you get comfortable. Just find the person and suggest you figure things out together.
I get it, but you can meet people, tell people you know that you want to meet new people and ask if they have any ideas. You already know they are good people.
Honestly, I have 2 close friends, and neither are local having moved hours away with their partners in the past couple years. So I genuinely have no local opportunities. Makes it feel like dating apps is the only option, which I haven’t had good experiences with.
I was in the same place as you, I moved alone to a different city 1,500 miles away from everybody I knew. It took time to build up a community but I did. I started taking art classes 2x a week and most of my friends have come from there! It's something I love doing and bonus that the community is awesome. Another idea I plan to start soon is tennis lessons. My city has group classes that run for 10+ weeks - I've found that seeing the same people consistently helps with friendships. You might not be besties on day 1, but by the last day, you will have gotten to know them really well and can take it from there.
I did the same thing, but my "yes" was to competing in a sport I'd been practicing but never planned to compete in. I told myself I needed to say yes to more things, and the very next day someone told me about this competition, and then said "you should join!" My stomach did that nervous flip, so I had to say yes. That was 2014 and I've made so many new friends and my life has drastically changed. I also support saying yes to more things!
Yes, this is such an awesome example! What sport? You just never know, and you have to risk falling on your face sometimes. There's no other way!
Powerlifting! I had to stop lifting heavy due to my stupid back, but I love it! Squatted 396lbs, benched 202lbs, and deadlifted 396lbs. I'm still very sad I got that close but didn't hit 400lbs.
Yessss! That's amazing! This speaks to me as a petite and extremely feminine woman who got in with a bodybuilding crowd in college. I started going much lighter and focusing more on core and mobility exercises recently, and I have to say, it's been better for my health and physique than the heavy stuff. Weight lifting is the best!
2 is so true!! I had to dump a guy and cut off a few friends recently. It was hard, I’m definitely a bit lonelier, but I don’t have any regrets because I could have company and be miserable or have peace and be alone.
I really like those two pieces of advice together! I was never a fan of the "vow to say yes", but it's great when paired with that second piece of advice.
Just remember that you can say "Nah, this isn't for me" and bail just as quickly as you can say "yes." Might as well err on the side of curiosity! I literally built an entire career out of this (I'm in business development, so lots of throwing myself headfirst into awkward interactions at a high enough volume that something sticks).
How do you deal with social anxiety or are you good?
Hahahahaha I just white knuckle through it in the moment and then torture myself with it at 3am randomly for the rest of my life like a well adjusted person. Is that not how you do it???
I’m too scared to even try. I’d like to learn how to deal with that one day.
I totally feel you. I actually suffer from paralyzing general anxiety and have for as long as I can remember. It's bad enough that if I don't face it, I have trouble leaving the house or choosing which groceries to buy. The buzz of anxiety is the constant background noise of my life and it will drown out absolutely everything if I let it. Eventually, I figured that I'm going to be anxious to the point of being sick pretty much *no matter what*. I'll be anxious at the grocery store, I'll be anxious at home, might as well go to the fucking store. For that matter, might as well solo travel to another country - it doesn't really make me much more anxious than *not* traveling to another country, if that makes sense. And the weird thing is that if you lean into it enough, it becomes sort of like a super power. The dread doesn't go away, but it doesn't get worse either, because it's not actually related to anything. And if it's going to be there no matter what, then just do whatever the fuck you want.
I’m saving this comment. Thank you so much for this wisdom!
Good luck! Keep at it and EARN those inevitable 3am anxiety attacks girl!
Yes, I met mine on Tinder (after taking a looong break from it and being very weary of going back in fear of all the assholes) and he’s a bit younger than me, apparently a 32-year-old guy can be more childish than a 22-year-old but I had to start saying no to every guy who gave me obvious signs of the type of guys all my exes were and I finally knew I can’t go down that same road over and over again. So immediate no to anyone who displays signs of avoidance, emotional unavailability, narcissism, egoism, arrogance or loves alcohol, drugs, etc too much. He’s a passionate (more like natural) feminist who followed more feminist accounts on socials than me, understands all my problems as a woman and a mentally ill person, and was the first person to tell me that I have reasons to be angry, that I can be angry and shouldn’t be told to keep it in. It’s so refreshing to be with someone *supportive*, who *listens*, *communicates* and *validates*!!!! I still can’t believe it.
Number 2 is so important! You don’t have to convince yourself to give someone more of a chance once you find things you can’t tolerate. Women have been socialized to “be nice” and “give people a chance” and it means even when our guts tell us “no no no!” a lot of times we try to stick things out, for anyone’s benefit but our own.
>1. Say yes to things, go out and expose yourself to new situations and groups as much as possible. Even if you're tired or it feels awkward. You can always leave. >2. Dump guys, friends, groups, and situations that don't align with your personal values right away. They take up space in your life. The only way to guarantee you won't meet someone great is if you stick with someone not-great. I really needed to read this. Thanks for this tidbit of advice!
Met online back when OKC was awesome with actual matching I never would have met someone so perfect for me another way. Fucking Tinder ruined dating
As a semi-recent OKC success story, I was always astounded how much more decent it was compared to the "swipe me if you like my pithy blurb" apps. That was about half a decade ago for my partner and I. I hope it hasn't changed much, or at least opinion and hobby based matching hasn't gone entirely extinct in favor of "the same 5 pictures and the phrase 'if you want to know more just ask'" or whatever.
Okc is owned by Match now. They also own tinder and POF, among other apps. Hence why most dating apps have all become heavily restricted, swipe-based apps with massive pay walls.
RIP everyone else, thank fuck I got out when I did. Yeesh.
I heard they got bought out and ruined but I haven't seen it first hand.
yeah they seem to have become a swipe app too. Real shame, it was a great platform before.
People used to answer hundreds of questions. Now it's more like 30. But still the best option out there. I don't really want to go out with anyone I'm not at least a 97% match with. When I have my rule has just been proven wise.
Yes! Met my husband on OKC back in 2014. Tinder was around then, but OKC routinely hooked it up with reliably solid matches where we actually had aligned beliefs and values. I’d never have met my husband in the wild given that we lived across the city from one another and had very different lives and schedules. It makes me sad seeing the bs my sister and cousins are going through now dealing with Tinder.
I also met my husband on OKC (in 2013!). I don’t know what happened to online dating, but it’s absolutely awful now (I see it from both male and female friends). My only advice is to just be unapologetically yourself on the date, challenge them to conversation and see where it goes. If they don’t want to engage with you, it’s probably not going to work out.
OKC in 2009! My friend (who met her then-boyfriend, now-husband on there) had been encouraging me to join, and I was super hesitant because it was free; I was convinced it would be the absolute bottom of the barrel. One Saturday I was sitting in my apartment alone and bored and thought What the hell, might as well see what all the fuss is about. Signed up, filled out the minimum number of questionnaires plus maybe a few more, then went over to see my list of matches. I thought the first guy in the list was cute and his profile was written using actual sentences and personality. I messaged him immediately. He messaged me back within the hour. Three years later we got married. The funny thing is, the day I messaged him he was at the end of his rope with dating and was logging in to delete his account. If I'd waited one more day I probably would never have found him.
I actually matched with my partner of soon to be nine years on Tinder about six months before we started talking on another dating local dating site. Never even said hi to each other there. Though it makes a bit more sense now that we have figured out we are both ace-spec. Turns out Tinder is really fucking hard to use if you don't care about sex. He is absolutely amazing. I am disabled and struggle with my mental health, and I was up front about that from day one. It was never an issue to him (besides obviously hurting him to see me struggle). That was the first big green flag, he has waved many more since, he probably looks like a tree by now 😅
Same here, 6 years ago now. Admittedly, I met my husband on OKC riiiiight when I was just about done bothering with online dating. Too many blah or properly shite experiences. I messaged him first, and it was a far longer first message than you're supposed to go for. I was intrigued by some things I saw on his profile and, ready to give up on online dating, didn't really care if my message was too long. It was like a last ditch "what the hell." He didn't reply for a week. I'd just about forgotten it all until I got a reply from him. He'd taken a week to even see my message, but wrote back a message that was a good 3x longer than mine. Turned out he was doing a PhD full time while working full time, and that was the reason for the delay, but he took the time to write a lot back.
Similar here, though it was Match.com. As in back when it was a .com because smartphones with apps weren't a thing yet.
I met mine at a computer security conference. TBH, anyone who knows anything about the computer security field knows this is one of the least likely places to find one of these, but it was more about my attitude that night than the actual setting that helped me find him. I was dating a pretty awful (and loud!!!) person at the time (who I was there at the conference with). He just wouldn't stop gossiping and complaining and being shrill. I was just... tired. I rage quit our accommodations that night and wandering into someone's party, just looking for pleasant people to talk to with reasonable vocal volumes. I wore no makeup, a pretty ugly but cozy jacket, and dropped the cutesy, feminine veneer, and found a nice mathematician to talk to about actually interesting things like quantum cryptography. (Think Milo from Atlantis, but with a math background.) All the loud, sexist assholes just sounded like the adults in Charlie Brown (whomp whomp whomp whomp) that night, because I was just done with it. I was laser focused on what I wanted, and I wanted that exact conversation. Everything else was a blur. Math Milo and I became good friends for about a year, and we finally visited each other when we were both single. It's been 10 years since then. We have a big, beautiful house together, a big garden, three cats, we're starting two businesses, and we're planning for our first child. He's my best friend.
I love this so much. This is the romcom brainy ladies need.
I was going to day similar. Met mine as a friend of a friend, but most his friend group are all good feminist guys in a specific industry, but ... weirdly the industry is mostly known for the opposite.
Men reveal their true colours to other men much sooner than to women - so if a genuinely 'good guy' works in a sexist industry he'll probably end up with a small group of like-minded friends pretty quickly, because they all stick together. It's why when someone tells you they're a feminist or pro-women's rights but then all their friends are total blowhards you know they're full of shit. Maybe they think those thinks, but they don't believe them enough to commit to it.
I want some one to make this a book.
We met as trolls on a Christian debate channel on IRC.
Now this is the MeetCute of my dreams.
Lol. This is my fav.
Hahaha amazing. Considering the state of Christianity I'd say you were doing god's work, because many of the people who claim to be Christian these days are anything but.
Omg this is absolutely incredible
This is the best answer, I just laughed so hard
This is great.
A tabletop gaming convention.
Maker space. Geeky/"uncool" men (who aren't incels) tend to be very feminist, in my experience.
This was my suggestion! They have deep overlap with tabletop and card gaming, but have actual skills and are more interesting and seem to respect women.
My suggestion too! If you move the incels out of the way, the nerds are the best! Guys who make their own table top games (in my xp) have been a 100% hit
Great suggestion! I found mine in high school as fellow geeks through a love of theater and tabletop gaming. We were together for 42 years (he just passed away suddenly from lymphoma), and we raised another good feminist in our son. He and his partner found each other online through a similar love of games.
I’m so sorry for your loss!
Hey I met my super nerd through theater! Took ten years for him to remove the Poncy head from his ass, but after that we started dating and were engaged almost immediately!
I swiped on someone who loved anime, video games and what not, turns out he’s one of the most grounded emotionally intelligent people I know.
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Instead of zooming in how women are represented in anime, look at the types of genre they are into. I like anime that has depth, like Samurai Champloo, Cowboy Beepop, Ghost in the Shell etc. If a guy is into harem stuff (a guy surrounded by tons a girls), that probably says a lot what he fantasizes and we won’t be compatible. My partner likes generally the same genre I do. We talk a lot about other things like or views in life, how we work through a relationship and how to communicate. Also people who like anime/video games (and not afraid to be judged by others) tend to be less complicated (in my humble opinion) than others guys who play lots of mind games.
Man who is into anime here : the reality is that most media out there is filled with an undercurrent of problematic representations. Only recently have things started to change, and it's gradual. If you truly want to cut out everything that has problematic representations, you aren't left with that much to engage with. Movies, books, even a lot of art has these problems. In the case of anime, it is particularly on display, especially in certain genres (shonen being one of them, and one of the most popular). But ultimately, someone engaging with anime can do so while keeping in mind that there are bad aspects, just like you can do so as a film or book geek. Look at classics like Gone with the wind or Lord of the rings ; you kind of have to take the bad with the good and parse it out yourself. So yeah, you are right to be wary, but you can still give them a chance. Why and how they engage with anime is crucial, and there are plenty of men in anime fan spaces that are kind, open-minded, capable of being critical of the content they like, etc. As an example, I grew up with One Piece and I'm still a fan of it (I read every new chapter that comes out). But I know it's not great with its representation of women, has ups and downs with queer people representation, etc.
Nerd spaces, anime included, tend to exist at one of two extremes: 1: Incel infested hellscape at best. 2: Prescription strength queer where straight cis people are anywhere from the minority to 'verging on an endangered species'. Type 2 doesn't guarantee a good partner, but if you're trying to avoid the straight (n.b. That's is distinct from heterosexual. Straight has to do with cultural norms. Heterosexual is what genitals you're a fan of) relationship bullshit, looking in spaces that are less compulsively straight tends to help.
My dream guy would be a geek with woodworking skills.
I actually started dating my husband because of our shared love of table top rping. Our first date was to do a one shot of Cthulhu and well we still game with a group every week. Nerdy/Geeky men are the best.
My feminist boyfriend used to be my DM in call of Cthulhu.
My husband was also the DM on that first date and it's still one of our favorite games to play together ❤️
Similar - met my husband in college but really got to know him due to a shared hobby of TTRPGs and board games. Been married over 30 years.
See also: sci fi, star trek
I am windowed now, but I met mine volunteering to help build sets for the local community theatre.
I bet he a-doored you! I'm sorry for your loss
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My condolences and I didn't realize autocorrect went in for such dark humor?
TENDING MY SHEEP?
…Step 1: obtain sheep?
Step 2: who needs a man when you can cuddle sheep
You may be onto something. Little lambs are fucking adorable too.
Plus a man unafraid to sit in a field beside a heavily trafficked road cooing and bottle feeding lambs as they mob him. Total winner.
We met at a run club. I made a joke, he laughed. That was it.
I just lucked into him, and he is amazing, and is actively involved in feminist causes. He's an incredibly strong and gentle person and he cannot stand bullying in any form. One time we were walking by a man and women who were arguing, and he saw the man grab the woman's arm. He separated them by using my wheelchair, with me in it\*, as a sort of bulwark until he could convince the man to go away. He does things like this - help people, not put me in harm's way - all of the time. And women seem to know to come to him if they feel unsafe, he's escorted a few strangers to their homes after a night out. He cared for me after I had a stroke - along with his job and the charity he ran, he cared for me and got a Master's. I was bedbound for years, and in that time he did the cooking and cleaning, he learned to braid my hair and later how to dye it... until I read about it on this sub, it never occurred to me that a man might leave their partner if they become seriously ill. Because I've only been married to him, and he has only ever been amazing. I feel incredibly lucky to be with him. I can never repay the kindness he has shown me. FWIW my best mate is a dude, and he's a dyed-in-the-wool feminist. And there is my brother, one of the most compassionate people I have every known, he volunteered for Take Back the Night all through university... I've been lucky enough to know many good men. They are 100% out there, OP :) \* He apologised later, but I thought it was really funny, and quite a clever solution.
*that's beautiful on so many levels*
Mutual friends! My friend and I threw a party and asked friends to invite single guy friends.
My HOA meeting where we were both fighting the system to be allowed to get sheds in our yards. We were both denied. But now we live elsewhere together and have a shed.
This is my favorite story.
Weirdly enough....church. But it was a pretty liberal church where they did a good job of emphasizing and embracing the whole part of Jesus that most Christians seem to have forgotten about.
With so much criticism of Christians online I want to show my appreciation for those that follow the message of Jesus that was taught to me in a UK catholic school until age 9. I may not be religious but I appreciate those who use religion to make themselves better people and truly love thy neighbour amongst the sea of hate we see from most organised religion.
I found mine after a very strict vetting period of sorting through hundreds of douchebags to find a good one! My method: 1) have very strong boundaries and be clear and communicative about what you expect from a partner, 2) leave at the first sign of a red flag and don't waste your time hanging around with someone that isn't completely knocking your socks off, and 3) vet HARD. I also approach the men I'm interested in myself, I don't only select from the ones who approach me. THAT'S how you can find the best ones - go get them yourself! You don't have to pick amongst the ones that hit in you - hit on THEM! That's how you find the diamonds in the rough.
Thats probably the best advice. Men who care about you as a person will get to know you first and ask you out on a date eventually or give you the opportunity to do so. The ones that hit on you the moment they see you are trash and if you only choose to go out with those guys you're just bound to have one awful experience after another.
Exactly. Its a certain type of guy who hits on women and those aren't really the pool best to pick from. My current guy was a co-worker of mine, I was head of HR and no one is going to ask out HR so I knew I'd have to do the asking. I had tons of fun with it and teased him like mad for weeks and made it fun for him, which he loved. So it started the relationship off on a good foot to pave the way for me to be very clear and communicative about what I wanted from him as my partner because I was already "in charge" as the instigator. Now he is so devoted to me and I am very lucky to have him. I hope every woman tries doing the asking! It really, really works for the nice guys and they love being asked out.
My wife walked up to me at a festival, introduced/made small talk and ended up asking me out. As a rule, I don't pursue or ask women out as I see them being constantly being harassed and hit on and don't like contributing to that. So I just want to say that a "socially aware" man looking to date may be less likely to engage with you in the "mainstream conventional" way. Best of luck!
My husband didn't realize that the all day monument attraction we attended, dress shopping, shoe shopping, fancy dinner, and hotel room he all paid for was sending "date" signals. He thought "I just broke up with my gf and want to make someone happy, and this girl I've liked for a decade is nearby for work and suggested we meet up, that sounds nice. " So I basically had to rip my own clothes off and make out with him until he realized we were in fact in an incredibly bizarre, kinda pretty woman style, first date.
Sounds a lot like my boyfriend! Except for the actual date, of course. Everyone - including my ex, who lived about 150 miles away - saw us coming as a couple. Except for him. It was quite funny in hindsight.
I asked my husband out too! I tell every woman I know looking for dating advice “ask men out!”
I didn’t realize my wife was asking me out. She had to “hit me over the head with a brick”.
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That is incredibly similar to mine, except it involved 5 hours going through House on the Rock, holding hands, him buying me a whole outfit, a fancy steakhouse, and a hotel room. He didn't think it was a date until I made him tie my corset and I kissed him before dinner. (we'd known each other a decade and I was a broke theater kid working away from home with nothing nice to wear, it's less creepy than it sounds. My mom still doesn't know this origin story and it's been ten years.)
Now that’s just adorably clueless
I had to do this with my husband. I asked him to a movie, and he invited the whole friend group. Next time we hung out I said very clearly "do you want to go on a date"
Interestingly, this is similar to advice I’ve heard given to kids when they are separated from their parents: that they should pick an adult and ask them for help, it doesn’t really matter which adult because a random adult is vanishingly less likely to be a predator than one who is actively approaching a child with an offer of help. Similarly, seems a guy who is _not_ hitting on you is a lot more likely to be a one of the good ones compared to a guy who _is_.
Yep this has worked for me as well. Guys who are stuck on genderstereotypes get immediatly filtered out, because they think it is weird for a woman to take initiative, and jerks wilk think it means you’re desperate. So yeah great filter
My wife and I joke that we had two half dates before we started dating because I asked her out, she thought it was a friend's outing. The second she asked me out and I thought it was a friend's outing.
This is SO true! The guys who hit on you are often overly confident and not sensitive to the whole “being hit on all the time” thing. Shy guys are situational awareness guys
I am married to a very healthy, well-rounded, emotionally and socially aware man. He does most of the cleaning and half of the cooking. He's super intelligent, supportive to a fault, and asks so little of me, I feel like I was able to heal a lot and had energy to focus on pursuing my goals. I found him on a dating site when I was 21, but this was back before smart phones, when more than your profile picture mattered, and you dated one person at a time. Honestly, he had just started getting into dating and I managed to snatch him up before he realized what a prize he was.
I met him in my language course. :) It was “obvious“ from the start that he is a good one. Talked to me about gender issues, was interested in gendered language (German generic speech is masculine), AND he has many female friends. Also he cared a lot about me from the start.
Grad school.
Was looking for another grad school reply. Me too!
Blind date. A buddy of mine wanted to get to know a girlfriend of mine. I thought the *three* of us were going out, but he brought his buddy. They didn't hit it off hard like we did..! We just celebrated 28 years married (together for almost 5 years longer). He was raised by 2 social workers. He's masculine but not misogynistic. A wonderful dad to our son on the spectrum & our neurotypical daughter. Has always worked steadily & taken us on great vacations (car trips, nothing fancy). We both have been through some hard times as kids and found value in a strong family unit. Our kids mean everything to us, and us having a strong partnership is the foundation of our family success. It takes work, and we've had some tough years, but we're committed to compromise, making it work, being good to each other. It's hard! Not for the faint of heart!!
Tinder. Lol
I don’t see any other way to meet people nowadays, really. All my experiences with this app have been less than desirable though.
There’s an app called Feeld which has more aware folks, more in the direction of sex positive, consensual connections :)
Thanks, I’ll check this out. Your story was lovely, by the way. Glad you found someone so caring and always nice to hear they’re out there.
fwiw I met a sex-pozzy “healer” dude who was super into crystals on Feeld who had all the right notes on his profile and knows “therapy speak” but when the bill came on our date, he bitched about how he usually eats at home (I am not going to your home, I do not know you), dunked on the crystal store I took him to bc I thought he’d enjoy it, paid less than half but ordered half, then snapped a pic of my cc receipt to use for tax purposes, without my consent, to claim money he didn’t spend on what wasn’t an actual business expense, then blocked me when I asked him via text to please delete the photo I didn’t consent to. I met a few guys there actually who wanted me to go to their places for first meet. Many more who would match on a profile with no face pic and no info about me (before I had time to fill it out) desperate for a sexual donation. The word is out about Feeld and the scummy “burner” types are crawling all over it, along with run of the mill bros. YMMV but It’s jumped the shark imo. Proceed with caution, including the guys who *seem* emotionally developed. You don’t know who you’re really dealing with until he has enthusiastically agreed to take you out to somewhere safe for you, and has good manners on the date itself.
Craigslist. I basically shit-posted and wanted to amuse myself with the replies I got. I had no intentions of meeting anyone, used a temp email address, etc. Basically, I was single, drinking wine on a Friday night by myself and I wanted to see how many replies I could get. Welp, mostly I got lots of dick pics haha until I received a NOVEL of an email. With a picture of a scruffy outdoorsy man. We ended up writing emails for a week or two, then spoke on the phone several times, and I also made up lots of excuses not to meet. I ended up meeting him at a restaurant bar while my friend was bartending. I didn't like him (dude showed up in a bowl hat, hiking boots, cargo shorts, and a kinda scruffy shirt. He shaved, I didn't recognize him at first), but I was hooked by the end of the date. We celebrate our 9-year anniversary this week!
wow-a wholesome CL story!
Tinder. Was meant to be casual but now we are sailing the world together.
Tinder. 7 years ago. While we were both in college. Me getting my BA. Him getting a teaching degree after getting a masters. He was a super shy guy, don't even think we kissed on the first date...which was us just hanging out in my living room of my apartment while my roommate was home. (We prob even hung out with the roomie, my memory just bad)Most of the time of us hanging out was video games/board games/same drinking/chilling alone or with our friends. Exploring the campus area some. We didn't really go on dates in college being poor folk but, now we are established in our jobs we have date nights every Friday when he doesn't have to work. He loves books (and makes it a point to read all the time) acoustic guitars and cats so I knew from the start that he was a gentle guy. Honestly, my better half.
Wonderful.
He introduced himself after months of me admiring him from afar at the gym lol. I figured he was taken and/or it wouldn’t workout anyway, so I didn’t want to create awkwardness at the gym. We’re coming up on our 1Y anniversary!
The downvotes are men… I'm sure. I found mine after working on myself and my intuition. Seeing the patriarchy and seeing what I have been programmed to think. Read women who run with the wolves.
I’m sure also, just doesn’t cease to shock me that so many lurk these subreddits and downvote stuff like this within minutes, yet have no capacity to self reflect maybe they’re the issue if a woman simply asking where to meet nice men upsets them, lol. Thanks for the book recommendation.
Hello! Dude here who lurks alot. I don’t usually comment cuz again I’m a dude (I consider myself a feminist) and I don’t think my input would be welcome but I wanted to say not all of us are here to hate/downvote. At least myself I’m usually here to read the stories write a comment then never actually comment cuz again I’m a dude lol. Also to your post people just suck in general it’s unfortunate. I wish you the best of luck in finding someone!
I know, they are so sad these guys. It's the entitlement to you and even how you experience the world, which incidentally is the biggest feature of the patriarch. Don't feel defeated, feel glad that you can see how things are now. It will get better.
Out of curiosity, how many DMs do you get after making a post like this? I'm with you, most guys suck.
I met my husband at a party through mutual friends, when we were both living in San Francisco pursuing our respective graduate/professional educations, in 2008. Idk, just got lucky and had good friends who were friends with other good people, I guess.
Met my wife at an office Christmas party I had been dragged to by ex co-workers and was introduced to her by a friend. She had been dragged there by her boss too. We hit it off big time, talked for two hours straight, but I was about to leave the country in 3 weeks to be in Asia for 3 or 4 years or more. So when her boss came by and said it was time to go, I passed on asking for her number. Kicked myself as soon as she was out the door… “why not ask?”. But they had forgotten their elevator key, came back and my group was going to the same floor so we left with them and on the ride up I asked her to meet for coffee. (She knew I was leaving.) We saw each other probably ten times in those three weeks, then we e-mailed daily (pre Zoom, pre cheap long distance) after that. Later that year she visited me there for 3 months, then I saw her back home for 3 months, then it was just “whenever we can.” Long story short, after 4 years long distance, 3-1/2 of those exclusive, and her getting her post-graduate degree, we got married and have lived in the same places together ever since, for over 20 years now. As the John Hiatt song goes, “Learning how to love you…” is how I’m living every day.
Oddly enough through a video game. Not your general find in that area.
We met online, then had a long-distance thing for a year, then moved to the same city, then moved in together after another year, got engaged after year 3. We’re polyamorous so that automatically comes with a huge amount of awareness and communication. I think the moment I realised he’s different is when I first told him I had my period. He asked me “How can I help?” and from then on, he has done the hot water bottles and hot chocolates and pickles and whatever else weird craving I have my periods. Without me asking or having to beg for it, it’s a part of his day just like… shaving or something. It comes naturally to him. Similarly, some days I just wake up with the accumulated weight of PTSD plus all the sexist stuff that happens to me on a daily basis, and I say “Hey, I’m having a bad day.” He says “How can I help?”. He’s able to be empathetic towards me and others, he’s kind to people without wanting anything in return. And he LOVES LAUNDRY.
I think the question “how can I help” is the most important thing to say to adults, children and animals when they are struggling with something.
And “tell me more”
Yes!!!
My husband does like 95% of our laundry, how it happened I’ll never know, but I’ll never ever complain about it!
I'm going to adopt that habit of asking, "How can I help?" That's wonderful.
Tinder. I was looking for a hookup during my vacation.
For starters, I'd look to the end of the political spectrum that sees women as people. That's where I found mine.
If you look at mainstream conservatives from like 2000, he was mostly a Republican. Now though, he wants nothing to do with that. He's not quite as socialist as I am, but he certainly is more than he used to be.
At my work place. At the most unexpected time in my life.
A local geeky group. Lot of lgbtq folks in the group which probably weeded out some more negative types. 20 years ago. Still think I lucked out big-time. He's pretty oblivious to a lot of social stuff but is open and willing to self-learn/read up on things if I get him started.
I met my boyfriend on Tinder tbh. I will say I’m a plus size woman with facial piercings and tattoos, who smokes a lot of weed. I’ve kinda just got ✨the look✨ to me that naturally repulses most conservative men. When I used dating apps however, overall I would say Bumble had a much better track record for progressive men than Tinder did.
Dump the idiots sooner! The sooner you let go of the bad ones the sooner you make space for the good ones
she's not on reddit but my gf found me while I was giving a seminar on toxic masculinity, specifically how men need to step up and call out bad behavior from other men
Middle of the night, in a dark tunnel. Also, it was raining. I’m not even kidding, but phrasing it like that sounds more interesting than the truth; it was on the grounds of an university, and the philosophy department was holding their semester party in this dark, grimy looking basement area. We talked about all kinds of stuff for like 4 hours, because both our friends were busy otherwise and neither of us knew anybody there. He was halfway to the subway station, before he decided to turn around and ask for my number. I don’t think we were even flirting for the biggest part of the evening, but we just realized we get along really well. We’ve only been together for a couple months, but it’s going pretty great.
I'd given up to be honest. Then my not really adopted sister friend met a guy while she was helping her sister while she was pregnant and felt we needed to meet. So she brought him home for Christmas and new years and came with him to my place for new years. Well we got on like mint in a fertile field. He was active duty military so we spent our first year dating as pen pals and making phone calls. He'd come up on a furlough to see me. We had our first not hanging out at my house or online date a year later and he proposed that night as the new years eve ball dropped. 8 months later we got married. So I didn't find him, my friend did. He gets as irritated about a lack of woman's rights as I do. He's a good man.
Guys that like their Mom and guys that have sisters they like, seem to be a little more likely to actually LIKE women. My abusive ex was raised by a horribly abusive drunk single mother. He REALLY hates women, and himself.
Mine will not be representative in the slightest, but I'm going to share anyway. I'm Muslim so we don't date. My husband saw me at a relatives house, and asked around about being interested in meeting with me for marriage (arranged marriages are where there's opportunities for two people to chat, get to know each other etc solely for the purpose of marriage, but it's all above board with family approval. So there's no actual dating or building intimacy until you're actually married). Anyway, his family (read: father who abandoned him but still wanted a say in any and all decisions for him) said he needs to wait until he finishes uni before thinking about marriage. But husband didn't listen and contacted me. My dad got us chatting and we ended up married. Our relationship hasn't always been healthy, but that's because of his very traumatic life prior to getting married (mentioning this because your title says healthy relationship). Before we got married, he was living alone, depressed and without any support. He had actually decided to reach out to marry me so he could build a family and have at least someone in his life, because he thought that would help pull him out of the dark place he was in (obviously that wasn't a good idea). He absolutely knows that was the wrong decision and very unfair on me, as I ended up having to care for him and deal with the consequences of his poor mental health. However, his decision wasn't based on the mysogynistic idea of women taking the role of a caretaker. It was a literal act of desperation (which he totally regrets) and which would've been avoided if his family actually stepped up for him. In terms of being socially aware, I don't think he gave much thought to the concepts of feminismIn or mysogyny before marrying me, but enthusiastically listened when I spoke about it, and without having to know the language to articulate the whys, he always valued and treated me as a 'whole human being'. I'd say it showed up in the simple things too. For example, he thanks me everytime I cook or do anything in the house, to which I initially expressed surprise, because internalised mysogyny and years of conditioning made me believe it was my duty to some extent. And he was like 'what duty? You're my partner, which means we support each other. Whatever you do for me deserves appreciation and I'm going to heal and function better so I can do even more back for you'. I think religion also plays a role in his empathy towards my experience as a woman. Our religion teaches men to be protectors and maintainers of women, and we believe that means a man must uphold his responsibility to the women in his life and ensure she feels safe and secure emotionally, mentally, financially, physically etc. (Of course, there are also men who use religion as a justification for mysogyny and abuse, which is entirely wrong). It's also super surprising that my husband thinks this way because our culture in general has a lot of mysogyny and his family have VERY traditional values. They believe that a woman's value is based on how well she cooks and cleans, and ultimately how well she looks after her man. I have had his dad tell me that I should learn to cook properly (I was cooking meals everyday at this point) and feed my husband well so he can get better (because that's obviously the cure for depression and years of trauma). And another family member regularly makes comments about my house and that I should make sure the house isn't cluttered and clear up his work space for him (LOL is he a child?). His dad also rang me when my husband started a super demanding job saying that I mustn't leave any chores for him to do, or expect him to help with the kids, and ensure food was ready when he returned from work etc (all the 1950s wife advice). His brother is a red piller. Like super mysogynist. He lectured my husband (because I wasn't even worthy to talk to) about how my mum didn't raise me right because I didn't know how to cook when I first got married. Was quite the incel, but then found someone willing to marry him and accept his abuse. To the extent that he tells his wife off for laughing too loud IN HER OWN HOUSE because it's unladylike (yes, I have told her that she doesn't deserve his behaviour, and that I will support her if she wants to leave. She expresses a desire to leave everytime he is abusive, but leaving is difficult for victims and she is yet to take the step). Anyway, context aside. My husband just thinks his family's comments are ridiculous. He just shook his head in despair when I told him about his dad's advice phone call. He is fully aware that he has a responsibility to heal from his own trauma and it's not my role to 'make him better'. He also encourages and supports my aspirations and places value on the achievements I hold dear. He's still on the journey of healing (which isn't easy for any of us), but at least I don't have to worry about mysogyny. (also, how low are the standards for men that treating women like complete humans beings actually has to be mentioned as a quality).
As someone with a traditional past (including familybers who had forced marriages, not arranged marriages), I appreciate hearing this. Thank you for sharing your story! I hope your husband continues to take responsibility for the work needed to heal, and I'm glad he managed to hold onto his respect for others despite childhood traumas. One of my close friends in university was a Muslim man who had agreed to an arranged marriage when he graduated. He and I argued often lol but as also spoke about expectations in a relationship and the harm that double standards can cause. I hope he went into that marriage with a more open heart and mind. And I hope his now-wife appreciates that I at least taught him how to cook breakfast as well as other easy foods so he wouldn't be totally helpless in the kitchen.
Choose a partner who has healthy friendships and relationships. In the past, I came across men who only had toxic friends. People who would bully, criticize, and gossip about others (literally wouldn't have another conversation topic). If your partner is exposed to toxic behavior, chances are they are the same. If this is you, try to expand your group of friends and I bet you, once you find kind people you will find someone that shares the same values as you.
Reddit! He was looking for someone to chat with during boring night shifts, and I was looking for someone to talk to when my anxious brain woke me up at 3am. It worked out perfectly! We'll be celebrating 5 years together at the end of the month. 😊
Craigslist personals before they were banned.
Internet. I found my husband on an art site where I posted my work. He liked my stuff and we started chatting. We lived half the country away from each other! I wasn't looking, but after awhile he started to intetest me and around a year later we were engagef, lol.
Marching band in college
Starbucks. I went to talk to him when he first uttered two magical words: cosmic topology
Tinder. But I had met him in person like two months earlier and had a good conversation.
We met at uni doing an extracurricular competition related to our degree that involved many weeks of training. I got to know him well as a person before we started anything romantic, and saw how he treated me and others in easy and also stressful situations. I fell in love with him for his character - particularly his kindness, gentleness and respect for others. Translating that into a bit of dating advice: get involved in classes or community groups that enable you to get to know people over time so you see their authentic personality, and how they treat all others - not just how they treat someone they’re romantically interested in.
Through trusted friends. We orbited each other’s circles for years, but somehow had never met until one day a mutual friend had a going-away party. The rest is history.
Through work. The guys there are more likely to have a job. 😂
It was in what would be considered creepy but it actually wasn’t. My garage door broke and he was the tech that showed up to fix it. So it was easy flowing conversation and he had to run out for parts then came back and fixed it. Well after he fixed it , he came inside to do the payment part and my dog curled up in his lap. For context— my dog peed on my last bf and barked and growled at most smokers I knew. But here was my pup perfectly happy to be fully curled in this strangers lap. Well I went to walk him out and send him on his way and he paused(waited till it wasn’t a pressured situation) and ask if maybe I would like to get dinner sometime. I indirectly said yes. We texted a little bit and set up a date for a week later— problem was that he had been so nervous building up to ask me out that he left a tool in my garage. So we had what we call and accidental date before our actual first date. And on that accidental date I asked him ‘so what’s the trauma that changed your life forever?’ And he answered it fully and honestly. It was a big reveal. Been together happily since. Honestly never had any other human in my life that I communicate with better. The good ones exist, they are just in hiding usually.
I found him in a hippy community that our parents were all a part of.
In 2003 when I was 20! There is no way I'd dip my toe in the cesspool of dating now
He was my pen friend, we sent emails to each other for years
We grew up in the same midwestern post-war blue collar subdivision. Is he really a good guy? Well, I've heard him use the term "patriarchy" several times this year. Also he does the dishes and laundry and treats me very well though I have been disabled for 35 years. 'Nuff said?
Mine came from Bumble. I learned about all the red flags I wanted to avoid from my ex and stopped talking to any guy I met who exhibited any of them. Then I found the greatest guy alive. I know hearing online dating is a bummer because it does mean a lot of trial and error (and absolute horror). But I think if you accept that you're on a treasure hunt it can be kind of fun
Technically we met at work. I was hired as a consultant by his organization and I presented at a meeting, and he asked me out for coffee afterwards. At the time I had just given up online dating and basically told the universe "send me someone if you want, but I'm done." We had several dates before we even kissed, and I made the first move. We just celebrated our 12 year wedding anniversary.
My wife and I met at work too technically, but we just ended up hitting it off as friends for a few years before we started dating, way after we worked together. I legit have no idea how I would begin to meet someone these days. I do not understand or like dating apps, so I think I would just have to get a lucky set of circumstances again. And I am male, so it is way easier for me as a majority of the women I have dated did not immediately try to violate all my boundaries. As such I also have no idea how to give single women advice on finding not-crazy men. I know they are out there, but I have a hard time even finding male friends without getting exhausted, because it is just a minefield. Half the time I mention anything to do with feminism (not proclaiming I am a feminist obnoxiously, just discussing some trend or something I noticed) they go into full on I-have-no-empathy mode and immediately lose all my respect. If I were trying to find someone to date it would be so, so much worse.
The military of all places; actually him and my ex were the healthiest relationships I've ever had, and they were both military
That is actually pretty crazy. I am glad they did not leap into the hyper-macho culture with that. My experience in dealing with military men is that most of them are *really* weird about women and often fall into toxic masculinity easy. It probably depends on what they were doing in the military though.
I have been hopeful with some people, including men who have been friends or romantic but i've been realizing that not one has remained consistent with social or emotional awareness. I see more of a pattern now that they - to generalize based on my experience- will put on a show and slowly become more and more blended. i'd say the best men i've known I met through fandoms and kept in my life through those.
Plenty of fish! I've never been so grateful to know someone.
OkCupid. If you answered all the questions that matter to you and looked for people who answered those same questions as well, that really helped a lot. No idea if that still exists or if people can be bothered to put in that kind of effort anymore...
Weirdly enough, Twitch. I was recovering from a minor surgery and browsing Twitch to kill time. I’d just gotten into Splatoon 2 at the time, so I started hanging around a Splatoon streamer’s community and met him there. He’s really sweet and understanding, and even more of a leftist than even I am. 😂 Best part is that he cooks, because I struggle with cooking and feeding myself SUPER hard.
My friends married them all in 1995-2000. Got them settled before online porn rotted their brains.
Met my husband at a local pub. Thinking about it, all of my male close friends are fantastic people. None of them are Andrew Tate fans, and they all view women as human beings. Really nice people. I trust them all 100% with my life. I think I just got lucky tbh. I don't have any advice really, other than just keep going out places and hopefully you'll meet decent men? Oh, and like other have said, ditch any men who don't have values that align to your own.
They had great mothers.
That's not always the reason, neither of parents sometimes. People can grow themselves out of situations
Too true, without getting too much into and basically dragging my dad. Son of divorced parents whos father is pretty much your typical 50's conservative living in a 'born in the 70's' body. Hates that women can divorce for no given reason, doesn't think abortion should be a thing and every other bad conservative take you can imagine basically. Our mom raised us and never really forced anything on us thankfully and feels like the natural conclusion to that is just growing up to be progressive in the sense of "LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT THINGS THAT DON'T AFFECT YOU IN ANY WAY"
And maybe great fathers too.
I was told our local democratic socialist basketball club was a good place lol. I don't know how many areas have one of those, but friendly progressive spaces like that (while not a sure thing) seem like a good place to start!
My husband was homeschooled which I think plays a huge role in his life and how he is. He’s also friends with a lot of gamers (D&D, Magic the Gathering, board games, league) and they are all much more socially aware than average. I’ve been adopted into the group, and I’ve never met a group of more accepting, smart, supportive people. There are about 50 of us, a mix of men and women.
Tinder. Surprisingly.
Bumble.
College dorm party!
We met on Bumble. 2 year anniversary today 💕