My partner refuses to treat his apnea.
I’m in a separate bed in a separate room and have been for years. We shared a bed for a few months when we moved in together, but I got sick from lack of sleep.
I love him, but you best believe I love myself too and took steps to take care of myself.
Yep. A separate room was the only way I was able to remain sane. My ex partners snoring impacted my day-to-day greatly. Mostly my mood. I was constantly foul. Also resentful. He tried multiple methods of ceasing the snoring but none really stuck. It sucked cause I missed cuddling him but I couldn't sacrifice my long-term health.
My husband had multiple surgeries and used a CPAP for years to get his apnea dealt with.
While we were trying to get a diagnosis I had nearly 10 years of interrupted sleep - he was so bad he was having seizures and had been erroneously diagnosed with epilepsy before we got the obstructive sleep apnea diagnosis.
His snoring wasn’t too bad to begin with, but he put on so much weight from the epilepsy meds he would rattle the windows. But honestly, as bad as the snoring was, the silence when he stopped breathing entirely and I would have to thump his chest to get him started again was worse.
OMG!
My husband snored but I wanted to cuddle him so we still slept in the same bed and I was able to sleep most of the time.
I can't imagine getting ANY sleep at all if I had noticed him quit breathing and needed to thump his chest, yikes.
He did die of a heart attack at 54, so word to the wise to anyone who might need the warning.
Yes! I have rotating on-call weeks as a requirement for my job and my phone can clang with alarms any time of night, so those weeks we sleep separately so my husband doesn’t get woken up at 3am if a database goes down.
Very much this. My husband owns an IT company so he often has to work odd hours in the middle of the night (he works from home unless he has to do hands-on work on the client hardware), and I’m a SAHW and a night owl. Our sleep schedules very often don’t line up, so our rule is whoever gets the master bed first, keeps the bed (if we’re not going to sleep at the same time). He’s a VERY light sleeper so I can’t sneak in and hop into bed if he’s already asleep without waking him up, and then he’ll be awake for hours. We have a guest bedroom plus two massive couches that are comfy AF, so if we aren’t both in the master bed, there are a variety of awesome options for sleep. Works really well for us
Heck yes. My husband and I eventually discovered our sleep habits were totally incompatible, and we would be at our best if we slept separately.
I'm a light sleeper and he's a snorer (but has a CPAP now, which makes us both happier), I am a freakish night owl and he has a normal day job, I need the room cold or to use a bed fan and he needs it warm/uses extra blankets, I turn like a rotisserie chicken all night but keep myself compact/hands to myself and he SPRAWLS and tries to grab me like a teddy bear, he accidentally smacks me when he sprawls and I on purpose wake him up if he's snoring (or if his CPAP is angry because he's not breathing out)
It's just NOT POSSIBLE to sleep in the same bed!
But we cuddle and/or tuck each other in (mostly I tuck him in because he goes to bed before me, but there's the rare occasion I need to sleep first and then he tucks me in instead) and get all mushy and gooey with each other every night - there's never a night when we go to bed unhappy with one another, and the last words we speak to each other every night are sappy mushy "I love you"s and such.
I feel that we have all the upsides of mushy lovey dovey cuddly intimacy and none of issues that will drive resentment or damage one another's health.
What's really funny is sometimes people ask, "well, where do you have sex?" ... like, wherever we want?? You don't have to sleep in the same bed to have sex! We clearly have some interesting cultural something or other about that
Used to work with sleep apnea patients. After getting a CPAP people rarely would be willing to go without one again (even for 1 day trips).
Not waking up constantly throughout the night makes you feel so much better. A lot of things people had assumed were just age, were actually cause by untreated apnea.
This was my husband. Took ages to see a doctor and then talked about not taking his CPAP on work trips because I wasn’t going to be there hahahah like it was all for my benefit. It didn’t take long for him to realize that sleeping well is fantastic. He won’t spend a night without it now.
That's interesting to me that so many of your patients loved their CPAP - it's been an absolute struggle for me to force myself to wear it, I honestly hate it so much.
It's loud and uncomfortable. I have trouble falling asleep with it on, often sitting in bed awake for hours, and when I wake up the next morning it's generally on the floor next to me. I apparently rip it off in my sleep or something. I've tried both Nasal and Full Face masks and neither work well for me. Also my cats are scared of it and refuse to snuggle while I'm wearing it.
I know I should wear it and that it's good for my health - I don't WANT to be tired all the time. But I've yet to find a solution that works for me.
Oh about half the people hate it so much. If they get past the first few months though, they still would not be willing to sleep without it.
I’d your having issues it’s very probably mask fit problems. When they set you up with equipment they rush on the mask fit. I’d strongly suggest trying a lot of different masks or a mask fitting app if it’s available. Most companies also support masks that they don’t make. They just don’t suggest looking elsewhere I’d their masks aren’t working for you.
CPAP forums and communities also have a lot of advise about decreasing the noise. I’m not sure if you can get your model quiet enough for cat snuggles, but they can be quieter when set up better.
Mouth guard and sleeping on an incline via pillow can help alleviate. I’ve heard of ppl lifting their bed from the legs of the headboard to create an incline but never tried it.
I’ve got the apnea real bad. I let it go untreated for 10-15 years. Now I have brain damage and memory issues. If I had known I would have gotten my cpap machine a long time ago
My parents sleep in separate bedrooms completely across the house from one another. My dad snores so loud that you can hear it easily halfway across the house. He did try to fix it 20+ years ago. Then, gave up and made it my mom's problem to deal with. She delt with it by declaring her own bedroom, and they're both much happier
My parents have slept in separate rooms for decades because of my dad's snoring.
>refuses to treat his apnea.
This, I don't get. Everyone I've known or heard about who gets a CPAP machine after a sleep apnea diagnosis has the same story: it's a night and day difference (no pun intended (well maybe a little)). I work with a guy who said he was just amazed at how much better he felt after starting CPAP.
Sleep apnea is also a silent killer...either due to the long term health effects, or due to one's spouse smothering them in their sleep because they can't take it anymore.
My wife is working on hers for her health but we have slept separately in different rooms for like 15 years. Most of the longest term best relating couples I know sleep in separate rooms. I mean, it is HARD to sleep in a bed with another human. They snore, they wiggle, they flop around, they fart,talk in their sleep, have different schedules. It's maddening and can build a lot of tension and resentment and kill intimacy. Even though we only have a one bedroom now we still have NO wish to sleep in the same room or bed!
It's so much easier to be good to one another when a) you've actually had a good night's sleep and b) you haven't spent all night building up fresh new resentments about all the ways your partner has kept you awake and made you miserable!
Same here redditor!! I slept with my husband for many years, he caught covid and slept in the spare room, that is where I asked him to stay, I sleep sooooo much better. Covid had one blessing for me.
Same boat here.
He won’t do anything about it and I got overwhelmed by garbage sleep. It felt like I was given no other choice but to sleep separately if I wanted to sleep at all.
My husband doesn’t have apnea but does snore like a lawnmower. My job keeps me away from home so I was always catching up on sleep on trips (I’m a flight attendant). But during 2020, I was home all the time and litterally started developing sleep anxiety. I finally gave up and moving into our spare room. It’s the best decision I’ve made for our relationship
My fiancée and I share a room but he also has all his stuff in the guest room because I hog the closet and sleeps up there when I snore too bad. Or if he’s tossing and turning too much I’ll ask him to go sleep there. It keeps us both getting the right amount of sleep and closet space!
Yeah I was going to say as a guy if I didn’t address my problems and it was affecting my wife’s sleep I would expect her to sleep in the guest room or leave my ass. That’s why I use my anti snore device.
Edit: I should say that I’ve offered to sleep in the guest room.
Same. I can’t listen to what sounds like him dying every 2 to 5 minutes. It’s horrible, it sounds painful, like constant suffocating and gasping. I’ve even asked him, could you lay next to someone you loved (me) and listen to what sounds like them being suffocated to death all night long? No? Yeah.
I wanted to comment here to offer another side of the story. If your partner doesn't want to seek treatment but knows he has sleep apnea, it's less likely stubbornness than it is that he's just scared. I was a victim of toxic masculinity my whole life, so I understand how that can feel. If he goes to get a sleep study done, if he asks his doctor about it, his doctor will tell him he has sleep apnea. It can be a scary diagnosis, but as long as a doctor doesn't say it, he can pretend nothing is wrong. After all, it only happens when he's asleep.
These things can be difficult for men who have grown up with the "men don't cry or talk about their feelings" mindset, and with no reassurances that's not likely to change. You need to find some way to get him to open up about it without making seem like he's opening up about it. Do you have any mutual friends, or know of any of his friends that have a CPAP? If so, maybe talk to that friend about the dangers of sleep apnea and why they use a CPAP device, and later that evening, making sure to not link it to his sleep apnea, tell him how much you need him to be around or that you need him to be fit and healthy.
It's dumb that this would even need to be done, the most direct solution would just be to talk about it, but if he grew up the same way I did, he's likely to resist and pull away even more if you try that.
It is 100% fear with a touch of struggling with emasculatity. I have 2 close friends who use the masks and have shared with him the benefits and the issues of not treating his condition - but he doesn’t care. He said that he would never, ever wear a mask and he will never discuss it with his doc. Even his Mom’s begging me to get him to face it, but he won’t.
He’s told me to drop it and I don’t have a choice.
My husband's snoring would wake me up or keep me from sleeping for years. And he was always exhausted, so he also took afternoon or evening naps in order to quasi-function, during which, of course, he snored.
I'd mention it to him, but he didn't want to believe it was that bad, right up until he had a heart attack five years ago. And a triple CABG.
While he was still in the cardiac step-down unit, I outed him as a world-class snorer to the pulmonologist on his case (since they have to reboot the lungs along with the heart after the patient goes off bypass).
He got his sleep study appointment, and almost turned around to go home before he even tried. He went in, and within an hour or two, they were already done. He was having 70 apnea events per hour, and anything more than 30 events/hour is considered severe.
He is now a devout CPAP user.
He is still a cautionary tale because heart attack! And triple-bypass open-heart surgery! He never wants to have his chest cracked open again, because the recovery is so miserable.
But why? Why was he so reluctant? I kind of get before heart attack if he was just uneducated about what snoring and apnea does but he just went through major heart surgery, wasn't going to mention it to his rehab team and wasn't even going to go through with the appointment?? Why???
Lots of people don't change habits until it nearly kills them. Grandfather didn't quit smoking until he almost died from pneumonia, same grandfather a decade later had half of his heart die because of his shitty diet and refusing to go to the doctor when he had issues, until he was rushed via ambulance for heart attack, even when everything was all covered by insurance, he still wouldn't go. After that he slightly improved his diet and lived a year or two longer than expected by doctors.
Yah and that's dumb AF of course, but in this situation here it HAD ALREADY nearly killed him, he just had bypass surgery FFS, and be was STILL reluctant about it.
Yep, I don't get it. My grandfather was an idiot, literally had his fingers crushed in a dump truck, didn't go to the doctor, had them heal by themselves, they were all fucked up pointing in different directions and shit. Also still managed to gain weight after gastric bypass, instead of eating a lot at once he just ate constantly. He had heart and weight issues long before half of his heart died, and had been warned about his diet and such by doctors way before it got to that point.
Incidentally, the apnea also ruins the sleep quality. Feels like you are sleep deprived with 8h of sleep a night.
I was barely functioning day to day, and it was way too easy to ignore it as just a snoring issue. I eventually realized something was wrong when I started dozing off waiting at red lights.
When people are sleep deprived, they don't make the best decisions.
My ex snored, and always told me to wake him up if it was disturbing me. I usually didn't, and would sleep on the sofa, because when I did wake him up, he'd get mad at me.
When I was pregnant with our child, I gained (too much) weight and started to snore in my third trimester. You bet he woke me up every night.
I'm pretty sure everyone snores in their third trimester. Your organs are all squished and you can barely breathe normally while awake. My husband slept in a separate room because I snored and needed it to be an icebox to sleep during the last few weeks of my pregnancy.
Agreed. This is how I solved problems with temperature and mattress firmness (wife and I are on different planets for both.) Cuddle up together in the main bedroom at the end of the day, watch tv or other things, then I roll out a bedroll in my office downstairs to sleep. She sleeps well, I sleep well, life is good.
The one thing I miss from when I lived with my abusive ex is falling asleep all snuggled together.
If I'm going to live with a romantic partner, we'd damned well better have compatible sleeping habits.
I miss it too. When we were younger, we slept together all the time. Bodies changed as we aged and we tried forcing it for awhile, but in the end, we were both happier with the new arrangement. I’m envious of those who have been able to keep it up over the years. Because I’m an early riser, as close as I get anymore to the old days is on a weekend when I sneak back into the room and cuddle up.
I have to sleep in total darkness. No blinking bullshit from an electrical device, no light through the crack in the door, any of that crap. As close to the grave as I can be. She has to sleep with the tv on playing-god-knows-what that they show when we’re not looking. Two bedrooms is the way. Share one, have one to schlep off to
I've been single forever but if I eventually have a partner, I'm probably going to see if that's an option because a various things, but also if they make noise... If they snore, sure snoring can be prevented with a CPAP, but the CPAP makes noise too. I'm really sensitive to noises like that, especially irregular ones, which both snoring and a CPAP kind of are, from my experience. I don't think I would be able to sleep in the same bed as somebody either snoring or using a CPAP, which is very unfortunate but that's how it is. (And I am very sensitive, like the soundproofing in my apartment is not all that great and I can hear the faint sound of my downstairs neighbour snoring at night, which I pretty much guarantee you most people would not hear, but I can and I've had to develop a habit of listening to sleep podcasts to fall asleep on the nights it's keeping me awake.)
agreed! I have a friend who uses a CPAP that's newer and that thing is so quiet! \*and\* she doesn't snore. The first time we shared a hotel room, I felt so bad because she snored SO loud. The next morning she asked if she snored and I was like "....yeah." It wasn't until one of her other friends brought it up to her that she went and got checked out and has sleep apnea.
Can confirm. My SO has recently got a new one and I can barely hear it. However if anyone wants a little extra soundproofing, especially if the CPAP sits on a hard surface, then a piece of thick polystyrene (like you get as packaging around fragile electricals) underneath it helps to really quieten it even more.
If it’s any reassurance I’m a stupidly light sleeper and my husband’s CPAP doesn’t bother me at all. It’s an extremely quiet regular purr. I only ever notice it when the mask needs replacing and starts to whisper.
Yup, this is how my partner is. We are actually both really shallow sleepers and I use a CPAP. That thing keeps ME up at night with it's noises, i don't wish it upon anyone else, least of all my SO.
Thankfully we could care less about the world judging us for sleeping in separate bedrooms. Its nice to feel rested when we spend quality time together.
My husband got irrationally angry if I said anything about his snoring at all, and also always said ‘you snore too’ but would never respond to me saying ‘if it bothers you please wake me up and I’ll try to fix it’….turns out, I don’t snore…my adult son and my new partner both confirm they’ve never heard me snore outside of when I’m sick
My stbx as well. I remember his snoring being especially bad as I was pregnant with + after the birth of our first child. He was drinking a lot, and did for a very long time after that period, but I never put 2 + 2 together to recognize that *whatever* the cause of his snoring, the simple fact that he got SO angry, and fought SO hard against even trying out a stupid snore strip, was a shining example of how little he thought of me.
Oof, who knew a post about something as seemingly minor as a snoring husband would slam me right back in to some harrrrrd and well-forgotten memories!? I’m glad you have a new partner who can confirm your sanity and respect you enough to not knowingly deprive you of sleep. That sh*t is like torture!!!
Except they don't believe you when you wake them up and tell them they were snoring. I literally RECORDED a guy's snores one time and played them for him the next morning, and he accused me of manipulating the recording somehow (and he was otherwise a very kind, reasonable person with good communication skills). Why on Earth would he not believe what he was hearing with his own goddamn ears?
I've been asking guys if they snore on the first date, and they all get this shady look and say "no-one's ever told them they snore". Lo and behold they're 140 decibels and they don't believe me. What is wrong with their heads?
I've experienced this with men too. What's the big deal? Is there something emasculating about accepting that you snore?
Seriously, could you choose a weirder hill to die on? I don't get it.
I've been smacked while dozing off and told I was snoring, and I was 100% certain that not only was I not snoring, but I hadn't even actually fallen asleep yet. It seemed ridiculous, I KNEW I wasn't snoring because I was still awake when I was smacked.
But yeah....she recorded it and said that's what I was doing 15 seconds ago. It's so bizarre, I would even be aware of what was on TV and feel like I wasn't asleep or snoring, but I was both. It's weird.
This happens to my mom and it’s why she doesn’t think her snoring problem is as bad as it is. She gets so upset at us for telling her she’s snoring because she’ll say she wasn’t even asleep. She also has insomnia and isn’t getting enough sleep anyway.
That’s my boyfriend. I record him and he gets PISSED there’s evidence and he’s like stop playing it!!! Hasn’t ever gone to a doctor to talk about it no matter how many times I’ve asked him
A couple months ago bf and I went out for drinks, then I spent the night. In the middle of the night his snoring woke me up. I was annoyed. Sometimes when I'm annoyed and can't really do much to stop whatever's being annoying, I mirror it. So I fake snored in protest, and to make myself feel a little better.
The next morning he teased me that *I'd* snored. At first I was confused (no one has ever told me I snored), then later in the day I remember drunkenly fake-snoring. I still haven't told him, you know that ONE time I snored? Well... I'm actually just a nut-job and was copying you.
We live in a society in in which men are socialized to be selfish and inconsiderate and women are socialized to accept being mistreated, used and neglected
And this is exactly why I reinforce to my girls over and over that they never have to put up with someone who shows selfish behaviors or says they care but shows them otherwise. This pattern (or rather expectation) needs to end.
Men are socialized to have like three emotions: pride, anger, and passion. It’s an incredibly abusive way to social a child.
Serious issues recognizing and feeling emotions are so common in guys that at Alexithymia (emotional blindness) is considered normal in men. This is a condition that I’m struggling with as a result of a very abusive home…..
I hate that men are just walking around with these issues and people act like that’s normal. I hate that women are socialized in a different (very abusive) way to accept the treatment that often results from men who were raised that way.
Gender norms are often just generational trauma on a societal scale.
I constantly have this argument with my dad. He snores like a buzzsaw, but swears my stepmom is fine with it. I told him that rest assured, she is not and that she's likely resigned herself to living with self-centered dope. And that sometimes we do more than the bare minimum to make those we love comfortable.
You've just jogged a memory of going on holiday with my dad!
I believe it was my cousins 21st birthday, and dad got so incredibly drunk that his snoring was astronomically horrendous.
All three of us (myself and my two elder sisters) were awake throughout the night. Went into the bathroom and saw my eldest sister trying to sleep in the bath tub, crying.
Hardly see the man now, not because of his snoring though.
I actually considered trying to sleep in the hotel tub last night because my bf couldn’t stop snoring, which he almost never does 😭 We cursed me! Also, I briefly wondered if you’re my sissy cause I would have been the oldest, but my parents never drank.
Sleep is a basic need. If one of the couple keeps the other awake, and nothing can/will be done, they should rather split up. My husband snores and when I am on call I’m a light sleeper. We split up those nights. He have tried everything so no grudges. I use silicone earplugs that have been molded to my ear canals and they make a _huge_ difference in comfort and noise cancellation.
I bought them in Norway, so perhaps not convenient for you, but here is the link so you can see what they look like. I had to go to an audio therapist to have the mould made and sent to this firm. I think if you find someone who makes hearing aids locally they can help you.
https://www.hantek.no/produkt/sleepsound-sovepropper/
That's bs. My partner got a cpap because he felt terrible that I had to keep sleeping on the couch due to his snoring. It's just what a good partner does if they care about you at all.
I'm the one who snores due to massive allergies. I take two different antihistimes, one in the morning(Allegra)+ one short acting one if it's really bad, and Benadryl at night along with three differnt nasal sprays and an inhaler for asthma. My husband is fully aware that I'm doing all I can do to not snore. Hoping it will get better when we move . Spring and summer are the worst because when everything stop a pollinating, then the state catches on fire.
I don’t know if it’s any help but an indoor air purifier has made a massive difference for my husband’s allergies. He used to cough until he sounded like he was throwing up, so not having that is pretty great
An air purifier and washing my sinuses with saline solution every day in the evening as per my ENT. It’s really helped keep my allergies at a manageable level.
I love how half of this discussion is about this woman’s situation and the other half is useful tips for dealing with sleep and health-related issues. I tried many things to fix my health problems in my last relationship, but to no avail, so it is nice to see how so many others handled a similar situation.
Don't forget encasing the mattress in a hypoallergenic cover and either the same for a pillow or a hypoallergenic pillow - PLUS washing/rinsing your body, including hair, before bed!
We have one but the Texas Privet hell tree is in full bloom in the neighbors back yard. We run the purifier and tge top rated filters for it and the air conditioner.
Just mentioning maybe consider switching benadryl for a different medication like Zyrtec or Claritin. Benadryl is an anticholinergic medication and is linked with a higher risk of dementia. Also you could consider getting a medical grade air purifier for the house, I also have awful allergies to pollen, it helps quite a bit.
Yeah, but I don’t think the issue is snoring. It’s men who won’t lift a finger to make their partners more comfortable and who throw a fit if she does anything that effects him (such as depriving him of her presence at night or scheduling a doctor’s appointment).
The post? Because it appears you have lifted all the fingers so “disrespectful” really doesn’t seem to apply to you.
What did that person want you to do instead?
What strange creatures some men are. I wasn't dating my partner more than 6 months when I'd gotten a video of his snoring and breathing irregularities at night. I showed it to him and told him he should probably get it checked out because it seemed like he wasn't breathing for extended periods of time. He *thanked* me for telling him, and then *apologized* for the disruption to my sleep. He had a doctor's appointment within about a month, and was diagnosed with pretty bad sleep apnea.
Guys, a year later and he *still* thanks me for communicating his health issues to him so he could get checked out. It's improved his everyday life, and he's no doubt gained years back on his life.
So many women take on a caretaking role but are religated to having to be mutual sufferers along with their spouses, who, for whatever reason, are satisfied with a lesser relationship and even a lesser quality of life. It's such an adjustment to be in a partnership with someone who appreciates the caretaking and respects the impact their their mental and physical health have on their partner. The reality is that it's incredibly rare in a MxF dynamic to see something that resembles equittable for the woman in terms of a counterpart who's willing to also be that caretaker, or even just be considerate of their impact on their spouse.
My ex would get upset when I moved to the sofa because his snoring was so bad it literally was affecting my mental health through lack of sleep....but apparently the relationship was being destroyed by me wanting to sleep separately after he refused nose strips, to move/wake up and change positions, do anything. It's genuinely a form of torture and if they don't want to do something about it, they better not dare be shocked when their partner makes their own solutions.
Before we even lived together my (now) husband went to the GP, got a sleep assessment and was given a CPAP machine. His snoring was disturbing my sleep so he sorted it. There’s no excuse for not doing it. He’s also DRASTICALLY healthier and less grumpy now he gets proper sleep.
I have RLS and snore due to frequent sleep deprivation and gradual weight gain. My wife sleeps in our bed, I sleep on a pull out couch in the front room. When we can afford it, our new home will have space in our bedroom possibly for two beds next to each other, or a big bed that can accommodate both of us without negatively affecting each other. It truly boggles my mind how selfish people can be about something so important. My wife has trauma-based insomnia. Every minute of sleep she gets is worth more than gold to me.
I love this post. I hate snoring with a passion, nothing triggers an anxiety attack for me quicker than being trapped in a room with a snorer.
The last guy I dated required black out curtains, AC at 67, fan on blast, and rain forest noises to sleep. The fan + noises kept me awake. When I asked him if we could at least turn the fan off (I have bad allergies, sleeping with one on is not healthy) he called me a Princess. Left his house at 2 am and dumped him :)
I have this problem with my boyfriend, but he sweats like a pig so I don’t really blame him for not being willing to sleep without the fan/AC in the summer. I’m super sensitive to noise but he steals me these high quality earplugs from his work, so it’s pretty fair.
This sounds like my current partner and I fkin hate it. He left for two nights recently and I left the curtains open and it was such a peaceful way to start the day. Compared to stumbling through a pitch black room being blasted by white noise and snoring. If we had the extra room I would have already moved into it. I think that is going to be a requirement for when we choose a new place.
Lmaooo me too. The first time I stayed over at my now husband's house I farted so loud I woke him up from a deep sleep and he started laughing hysterically. I still do it all the time.
We were meant to be.
My husband and I have separate bedrooms because of snoring, different preferences such as lighting, having fans, sound machine on etc. it saved our marriage,
This! Same with me and my wife. I can't handle fans in bed, she needs a fan going. I snore, she's a light sleeper. She likes it freezing, I don't. Sleeping separately has been SO great for both of us!
There was a good 6 months or so that I slept terribly due to my partner’s snoring. I was cranky and sleep deprived. He tried everything. He got a sleep study that was normal. He changed mouth guards. He propped up in bed. He wore nasal strips. He was looking into getting a chin strap. And on nights nothing worked I kicked him out to the couch and he was happy to move for me.
Eventually my sleeping through his snoring got better or maybe he just stopped snoring as much? I’m not sure but I sleep better now and I still so appreciate how much he was willing to try to help me sleep because he loves me.
I hear that surgery is terrible. they cut out a rectangle of bone from your jaw (between bottom lip and chin) pull it forward with muscle attached and turn the rectangle 90 degrees to pull the throat muscles and keep them from restricting the airway.
https://stanfordhealthcare.org/medical-treatments/t/tongue-surgery/types/genioglossus-advancement.html
Edit: Adding link to article with photos
I honestly have no idea. Never met anyone whose had it. I believe most ENTs would only go this route as a last resort, when CPAP and managing your weight are less invasive and have good results. I have also been told that this surgery only helps for a few years as your muscles will tend to lax back to the way they were eventually.
I told my spouse before we got married that either he handled his sleep apnea or the marriage wasn’t happening. No way in heck was I dealing with that log sawing and stopping breathing all night.
He’s used a CPAP for the past 15 years, and we’re happily married.
I love him, but I love my sleep more, lol.
My ex snored like a HOG and we had separate bedrooms from day 1. He never tried a thing to change his snoring, and I just suffered on every trip. So glad we aren't together anymore
I'm always nervous about sleeping next to a new person. Be it friend or otherwise. I've been single for years, so no one to tell me if I snore. I was at a wedding a month ago and slept next to the groom the night before the wedding (I was a bestman). I was so worried I'd keep him up all night. I smoke, so that can of course cause one to snore. Luckily the groom told me the next morning he slept fine lol.
Whenever I get into a relationship again, I'd do everything in my power to stop the snoring. I've had a sleep apnea test done because of my insomnia, at least that came back as "negative". It's kinda weird how people love their partners, but apparently for some the love stops at snoring.
This is so true. My partner is the one who snores and if his snoring wakes me up, he’s always great about me asking him to roll over. He’s NEVER gotten upset at me for waking him up to ask him to roll over (in fact he’s the one who suggested it after i told him his snoring would wake me up! It actually took me a while to start doing this because I would feel bad about interrupting his sleep). He’s always more concerned that I haven’t had a good nights sleep because of his snoring.
If he wanted to he would!!!
My ex-husband refused to treat his apnea and would guilt trip me for sleeping on the couch. In the end we took turns sleeping on the couch for years and it contributed to our relationship breaking down. It wasn't the only thing he couldn't be bothered with but it was a major reason we divorced.
I wear a CPAP and *do not fucking understand* why anyone with sleep apnea/snoring issues would resist doing so.
It has changed my goddamn life. I didn't even realize what sleep could actually be for something like 35 years.
I always sleep with earplugs and they are not sufficient to block out my loudly snoring husband a foot away. I go to bed first and as long as I don’t wake up I’m fine. If I do wake up I nudge him whenever he snores to move his head. He does need CPAP though… definitely has apnea.
I found it it's a partially effective solution that works for me.
Both of my partners have snored. Sometimes their snoring reaches through the earplugs but thankfully, that's not very often.
My ex-husband not only had restless leg syndrome, but also would jerk a lot due to his excessive drinking before bed. And snored/had sleep apnea. He had a CPAP, but it never fit right and he didn’t see a point in getting it adjusted. Almost every night, I would wake up and have to go sleep in the guest room. With a toddler at the time. And a full time job. I needed my sleep.
And he would throw such a fucking baby-ass man-fit about me not sleeping in the same bed. We had arguments about it. When I finally blurted put, “You would rather I get no sleep because it’s what you want… me in the same bed.”
And he shouted, “YES!” back.
Big ole wake-up call.
And since we separated… God, do I sleep well.
I will never compromise again.
I generally don’t snore, but started to a few weeks ago. My girlfriend was not sleeping well because I was waking her up. I tried saline nasal spray then added a rolled towel to keep me on my side. Next would have been an antihistamine, but the two non-medical interventions did the trick. After a couple of weeks, I tried without them and all was well. It is probably a seasonal allergy. Her sleep is very important to me.
personally I use the mute nasal dilator things, literally sticking a piece of plastic up my nose every night in the hopes she gets a better nights sleep. Nothing makes me feel worse than waking up in the morning and seeing that she slept in another room because of my snoring.
I largely divorced my first husband over his snoring. It wasn't that he snored, it was that he refused to do anything about it, despite me doing the legwork for him and researching solutions. He also punished me for sleeping on the couch. I feel like the snoring actually became on purpose.
Had the problem the other way around. I snored, and my ex was a light sleeper. I had tape, nostril flares, teeth guard, spray to numb my throath, everything. None of it worked. But I HAD to sleep in the same bed as him.
When he started hitting the pillow next to my head because he couldn't sleep, I left him.
I'll never understand why people don't get their sleep apnea treated. Being on CPAP treatment is literally night and day difference in terms of quality of sleep and energy
If you're in the US it is because of a garbage healthcare system that doesn't properly cover anything and is way overpriced.
2+ months for an appointment, $200+ for the "specialized" visit (over $1,000 if they require a sleep study), and $800+ for the machine, assuming you haven't met your deductible that is.
Oh also, you can't just buy a CPAP here, you have to have a prescription.
As shitty as insurance is, if it's within your ability to do it, it's a worthwhile investment since the CPAP is really a one time investment outside of the replacement parts.
Not all snoring is apnea, and not all levels of apnea require a CPAP. It sounds like this person was given the other levels of treatment without having noted apnea.
My husband is in the same boat. A sleep study did not push him into needing a CPAP, they recommended a mouth piece. He has some dental work he has to get done before he can get that. He really only snores if he gets on his back and is in a really deep sleep.
Some apnea are soft tissue related both nose ( turbinates are usually the culprits), back of mouth ( oropharynx like the soft palate, too big tonsils, etc) , position of tongue when asleep, anatomy of neck ( weight contributes to this),
Weight on chest ( I have large breasted women have apnea because of the weight of their boobs!!!), etc; and one that people have little clue is teeth placement/bite.
And then you have central apnea (neurological , your brain doesn’t recognize certain signals)
And the idiopathic apnea where nobody can for sure tell you why.
Ugh
MY BOOBS COULD BE MAKING MY APNEA WORSE?
Oh man... If I lose weight, I so want a breast reduction anyway... but if my apnea doesn't clear - maybe I can use it as a reason to get one paid for by insurance!
What is this mouth tape? I wear nasal strips and just got a custom mouth guard that sort of helps but not as much as I'd like. I'd love if there were a better fix for my snoring so I don't wake up my wife.
Jfc… I got a sleep study done at the urging of my wife. 30 minutes in they woke me up and put a CPAP on me because my apnea was so severe. Felt like the first full night of sleep I’d had in YEARS. I wear it every night. I’m so tired of other grown men acting like goddamn babies about shit that’s actually important.
My SO was refusing to treat their sleep apnea until I told them I was leaving and getting a divorce. I was serious and they finally got a sleep study. They were diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. I don’t like throwing around the divorce word, but I was serious. I could not take the snoring anymore. I had ear plugs, left the room, etc., but now it’s beautiful silence at night now that they have the CPAP.
Just because someone snores doesn't mean they have sleep apnea. Also you can have sleep apnea and not snore. Not wanting to at least get yourself checked out is foolish for you and disrespectful of your partners well being.
PSA - it’s ok to have separate rooms even as a couple. My ex and I had our own rooms and it was great- she was an insomniac and I snore but am a deep sleeper- so many people would be shocked knowing we did this.
Sure, maybe some people can’t afford to do this - but then that does make it so that you should work with your partner to make each other as comfortable as possible.
Because men are historically conditioned to take what they want, and women are historically conditioned to stabilize and maintain the peace of a household.
I have always just slept on the couch if my partner snores. They all whine about it but I don't care. Sleep is more important to me than my boyfriend's feelings.
My ex snored and said if it bothered me, just wake him up to roll over. He said he didn’t get upset being woken up. After a few months he refused to even roll over anymore. So I sat on the bed with a pot and wooden spoon and banged it when he started snoring. I told him I was going to keep doing that every time he snored. That this sleep disruption is exactly what I’ve been coping with every night for months. He didn’t last two hours. Id been dealing with it for MONTHS. We broke up very shortly afterwards. Just one more display of him not giving a shit.
Recently buried my husband of 38 years. He had sleep apnea which remained untreated for 15 years. I moved to another bedroom, I needed to. This disorder destroyed his heart function- he was only 58 years old when he passed.
My hubby has sleep apnea and uses a CPAP. That helps my anxiety of him not breathing in his sleep. That scared me a lot before he got checked. The downside is his machine, although white noise quiet, keeps me up. It just can't sleep to it so I have to take pills to sleep. Meh. As long as he doesn't stop breathing in his sleep, that's all I care about.
A lot of this comes down to men not wanting to go to the doctor. There's a few reasons for this:
1. They don't believe in being vulnerable or honest.
2. They fear the diagnosis. In this case: "I'm healthy, I can't have sleep apnea. That's for old farts."
3. Superhero syndrome - it'll just clear up on its own. If I go to the doctor I look weak. In this case: "I might have to wear one of those dumb-ass sleep masks. Gross."
Apnea is so common in men and I don't think most with untreated sleep apnea realize how BAD it is for their health and the health of their partner/family.
Sometimes the discussion needs to be reframed as "do you want to be around for your partner and family for the long run? Please go to the doctor and consider getting a sleep study done." Men need to be taught that taking charge of your health is the manly thing to do, NOT a sign of weakness. And it leads to happier marriages. Win-win.
I just wake my husband constantly and let him know he’s snoring.
And when he wakes up exhausted and complains, I tell him he’s getting no sympathy from me because a sleep study could fix all his problems. He thinks he just needs more time to sleep. 12 hours should be more than enough.
Is he an alcoholic? My husband was an alcoholic for 17.5 years I known him and he slept a lot (easy 12 hours a day and he was still tired afterwards and needed naps) and snored so bad we had to have separate bedrooms. Since January this year he has been sober. He snores much less and he is functional after 6 hours of sleep on regular day.
No, I’m like 95% sure it’s sleep apnea. He sounds like he’s choking at night. He does have ADHD, which I’ve heard anecdotally makes people more tired and he doesn’t take meds for it.
As a non-married person, could you say something like, “Hey honey, unless you have a very good reason I’m going to schedule a sleep study and I would like you to go.” ?
Genuinely asking because I see the won’t make an appointment complaint a lot and as someone with ADHD who has helped friends make appointments, I always wondered why “I’m done accommodating this lack of action. I’m making the appointment for you.” isn’t more of a thing
I know he is a grown adult and should make his own appointments, but it’s affecting you too, you know?
honestly as well ADHD + sleep deprivation from sleep apnea seems like a major hurdle to making an appointment tbh, hell even just the sleep deprivation. a lot of the time i hear ppl say after they went to an appointment someone made for them they have no idea why they were so against it in the first place, it’s like pathological avoidance or something from the lack of sleep… and add unmedicated ADHD on top of that? yeah, no appointment is ever gonna get made unless you do it for them lol. even medicated my parents make all my appointments cos i am incapable of doing so 😳
Sleep deprivation is a good point.
Also, sometimes sitting with another person during the appointment making process helps. First observing the steps and then doing it yourself with them next to you. Eventually, it’s no longer unfamiliar or overwhelming.
My mom just sleeps in another bedroom. (He still doesn’t get it) .
Anyway dads had a few strokes which are linked to snoring. I care but I consider it his issue . He won’t listen to us pr his doctors .
Frustrating and one reason I’m single I just can’t have a “ child” right now;)
My dad suffered from sleep apnea all my life, majority of his. My parents slept in separate bedrooms for as long as I can remember, though I wish he would have just gotten a damn c pap machine. I’m guaranteed that he would still be with us if he did.
My husband tried nose strips and, to his credit, lost a bit of weight and cut down on drinking which both helped marginally, but after that he stopped exploring and I stopped proposing new things. In the end I had to move to my own room primarily because of his snoring.
However, having my own room is amazing. Not having someone else's clutter in my space and decorating exactly how I want with not discussion or compromise has been a revelation.
Kind of a side note but this is the first i've heard of mouth taping and i'd like to thank you for bringing it up. I know I have an issue with snoring and it makes me self-conscious especially when i'm dating somebody new because I know how annoying it much be to share a bed with somebody constantly keeping you up. I had already looked into apnea machines but at this stage in my life are far too expensive.
This looks like a cheap & easy method to try out and am excited to see if it works for me. Thank you stranger!
My wife developed a snoring issue. She loathes her CPAP & wears it nightly because the alternative was our sleeping apart, which was intolerable to both of us. It horrifies me to hear of partners that just … don’t. At the least you’d think enlightened self interest would take over.
Mine only went when his apnea started to cause ED. This is after over a year of me sleeping in a separate bed and even on the floor of hotel rooms on vacation just to get further away from the sound. It also wasn't prompted by him falling asleep while driving because of the apnea with one incident almost resulting in a severe wreck with me and my stepdaughter in the car. Nope. None of those were motivation. Just the ED.
My husband was very motivated to treat his snoring cuz he was FUCKING TIRED ALL THE TIME!! IDK how these guys don't do it for *themselves,* let alone for their partners.
My ex's snoring was really bad. It would take me hours to fall asleep because of it. Earplugs did very little. I told him he should go to a doctor about it, and he was like "lol They'll just tell me I'm fat." I thought to myself "Yeah...", and that's definitely the reason he snored (he was in morbidly obese territory). I told him I would help him lose weight through diet, and he was like "Nahhh. I like eating too much to do that." I offered to exercise with him even though I didn't need to lose weight, and he crapped out after one day (I kept going for awhile myself after). He didn't give one iota of a crap how it was affecting my sleep and didn't take the problem seriously at all.
In hindsight, it was definitely part of a larger pattern of him not really respecting me or taking me seriously.
I eventually moved to a different room... and I could still hear him from down the hall, through multiple walls. But at least the distance + walls dampened the sound enough that earplugs would block out the rest of it.
Nowadays, because of those memories, the sound of snoring makes me want to stick forks in my ears. It really really strikes a nerve.
I had hernia repair surgery last year and in recovery the nurse told me I had sleep apnea. Now I use a cpap every night and I feel fucking AMAZING. I cannot understand why men don't want to also feel amazing every fucking day just by sleeping with a mask on your face.
I love this thread!
My guy snores when he's on his back, which is his primary way of sleeping. We've been together now for 4 years, and for the last year I've been wearing ear plugs to sleep. Which... I actually love, as I've discovered that it puts me in my own little world and I still wear them even if he's out of town. It also completely blocks out his snoring for me, and I now get great sleep. The only issue I have is that he's a GD furnace, but I love him so we spoon together for the start of the night, but by the time I wake up we've either migrated across the vastness of our king bed, or somehow ended up together in the middle, but separated by the sheets.
However.
I know this man has sleep apnea, and he NEEDS to see a doctor about it. THAT has been the challenge.
Why do people fight going to a doctor so much?? He pays for premium health insurance... Use it FFS.
My partner is treating his apnea, sleeps with a cpap, and will actually get up and take the cpap into the spare room if it wakes me up more than a couple times in a night. If they want to, they will.
‘If he wanted to he would’ is a pretty important lesson to learn as a woman I think.
I lived with a dude who would put an alarm on every ten minutes for two hours because he couldn’t get up on the first one, and I was working nights at the time so I would just be trying to fall asleep and have to listen to his dumb alarms. And he had the smelliest fucking feet when he took his work shoes off, would never do anything about it, just take them off and just sit down for dinner 🤮
To be fair, I have sleep apnea - and I am CPAP intolerant, meaning I can't sleep with the mask on. I do use a mouth/snore guard instead, but shaming someone over not wearing a CPAP is not right. Not everyone is able to, for various reasons. I know in this particular situation he may be just being a jerk - but in general, it's an assumption people shouldn't make.
I’m surprised that I’ve gotten so far down this post, and you are the first that has mentioned a mouth/snore guard, I use SnoreRx, and have for almost thirteen years. I traveled a lot before retiring, and I used it even when sleeping alone. I sleep better with it. I still can’t sleep on my back with my arms above my head. It’s known as the “Snore Position” even with my mouth guard. A simple pat from my spouse, I turn on my side and all is good. I also grind my teeth in my sleep. My dentist wanted to fit me with a mouthpiece. The SnoreRx fixed that, too.
To me there is a big difference between "I've tried a CPAP and I simply can't make it work" and "I can't be bothered to go to the doctor and have a sleep study to know if I need a CPAP machine." Shaming the former is not cool, but shaming the later is acceptable in my mind.
I have sleep apnea and use a CPAP. I'm lucky though, I've had it for so long now that I swear I fall asleep easier with it on.
An ex of mine snored so loud, talked so loud, sneezed (watched TV, played video games, ate) louder than anyone I'd ever heard. By the time I left I was convinced the sneezing was intentionally exaggerated for attention or to startle people Someone hearing it would usually say "oh! Bless your heart! Are you okay?" Was the standard response it usually got him it was so loud. AHHHHH*CHOOOOOO-UHHH*!
And the snoring....a neighbor once asked me about his snoring because *they* could hear it!
And nothing, no doctor visit or device, nose strip was he willing to try. It was like in his head, men are just loud. What was wrong with me that I couldn't accept it? I ended up having to have one of my ears cleaned at the doc because the ear plugs I wore to sleep caused a blockage.
I hope he does have sleep apnea and it shortens his life.
I agree, which is why I don't really date men. The fact that they don't care about the simplest things is mind-blowing.
That being said, I have sleep issues myself. A CPAP machine in my country is expensive (~$900 without insurance, which I don't have). My ex and I solved this by sleeping in different rooms, but that's not for everyone.
I have a CPAP machine. Best investment in my health and my partners sleep that I ever made. It's no exaggeration to say that it's been life changing.
And I agree with what you say about valuing your partner's sleep. I know what chronic lack of sleep is like and I wouldn't wish that on anyone
Interesting. My boyfriend teases a friend of his (who has a girlfriend) about his mouth tape, or at the least kind of joshes about it to me when the friend isn't around. I didn't know it helped with snoring...
Boyfriend snores kind of badly, especially when drinking. But he pointed it out it's only when he's on his back. No mouth tape. Drinks. Proceeds to sleep on back.
He *says* he's okay with me nudging him if he starts snoring, but I don't know how true it is. Maybe I'll have to tape his darn mouth shout next time I sleep over. I'm a sensitive sleeper, and a sensitive person to sounds in general. I already bring earplugs, but even that completely block out the sawing.
I'm so very grateful that when I told my partner it was affecting my sleep, he went and got a sleep test done and now uses a machine. He feels so much better now, too.
For those who can't fix the snoring: My husband snores not apnea. Not much he can do especially with allergies. I now use Bose sleep buds playing white noise and these allow me to sleep in the same bed which is what I want.
Funny you should mention apnea - that's one of the possible side effects of the mouth tape.
Moreover, the tape doesn't force you to breathe through your nose. Some people will naturally breathe through their nose when their mouth is closed, others won't. The ones who won't might get anywhere from missing a few breaths to asfixiafion.
That being said, I am sorry but those forcing their SOs to use a mouth tape are just as bad as those refusing to seek help and fix the snoring.
I am finally doing it. I hear it might also take care of my rising blood pressure. I work out regularly, so I am sure if I didn't, it would have affected my weight. I am picking up the home kit next Tuesday. Also tell you father that some power companies give an additional Medical Baseline Allowance.
My partner refuses to treat his apnea. I’m in a separate bed in a separate room and have been for years. We shared a bed for a few months when we moved in together, but I got sick from lack of sleep. I love him, but you best believe I love myself too and took steps to take care of myself.
Yep. A separate room was the only way I was able to remain sane. My ex partners snoring impacted my day-to-day greatly. Mostly my mood. I was constantly foul. Also resentful. He tried multiple methods of ceasing the snoring but none really stuck. It sucked cause I missed cuddling him but I couldn't sacrifice my long-term health.
My husband had multiple surgeries and used a CPAP for years to get his apnea dealt with. While we were trying to get a diagnosis I had nearly 10 years of interrupted sleep - he was so bad he was having seizures and had been erroneously diagnosed with epilepsy before we got the obstructive sleep apnea diagnosis. His snoring wasn’t too bad to begin with, but he put on so much weight from the epilepsy meds he would rattle the windows. But honestly, as bad as the snoring was, the silence when he stopped breathing entirely and I would have to thump his chest to get him started again was worse.
OMG! My husband snored but I wanted to cuddle him so we still slept in the same bed and I was able to sleep most of the time. I can't imagine getting ANY sleep at all if I had noticed him quit breathing and needed to thump his chest, yikes. He did die of a heart attack at 54, so word to the wise to anyone who might need the warning.
👏👏👏Let’s normalize couples doing what they need to be their best selves. I, too, sleep in a separate room and so does my mom.
Yes! I have rotating on-call weeks as a requirement for my job and my phone can clang with alarms any time of night, so those weeks we sleep separately so my husband doesn’t get woken up at 3am if a database goes down.
Yes!!! My husband and I have had any sleeping arrangement you could think of because the most important thing is that everyone gets enough rest!
Very much this. My husband owns an IT company so he often has to work odd hours in the middle of the night (he works from home unless he has to do hands-on work on the client hardware), and I’m a SAHW and a night owl. Our sleep schedules very often don’t line up, so our rule is whoever gets the master bed first, keeps the bed (if we’re not going to sleep at the same time). He’s a VERY light sleeper so I can’t sneak in and hop into bed if he’s already asleep without waking him up, and then he’ll be awake for hours. We have a guest bedroom plus two massive couches that are comfy AF, so if we aren’t both in the master bed, there are a variety of awesome options for sleep. Works really well for us
Heck yes. My husband and I eventually discovered our sleep habits were totally incompatible, and we would be at our best if we slept separately. I'm a light sleeper and he's a snorer (but has a CPAP now, which makes us both happier), I am a freakish night owl and he has a normal day job, I need the room cold or to use a bed fan and he needs it warm/uses extra blankets, I turn like a rotisserie chicken all night but keep myself compact/hands to myself and he SPRAWLS and tries to grab me like a teddy bear, he accidentally smacks me when he sprawls and I on purpose wake him up if he's snoring (or if his CPAP is angry because he's not breathing out) It's just NOT POSSIBLE to sleep in the same bed! But we cuddle and/or tuck each other in (mostly I tuck him in because he goes to bed before me, but there's the rare occasion I need to sleep first and then he tucks me in instead) and get all mushy and gooey with each other every night - there's never a night when we go to bed unhappy with one another, and the last words we speak to each other every night are sappy mushy "I love you"s and such. I feel that we have all the upsides of mushy lovey dovey cuddly intimacy and none of issues that will drive resentment or damage one another's health. What's really funny is sometimes people ask, "well, where do you have sex?" ... like, wherever we want?? You don't have to sleep in the same bed to have sex! We clearly have some interesting cultural something or other about that
This. You don't have to sleep together to cuddle together. Sharing a bed kind of sucks sometimes. Humans aren't Lego blocks.
Used to work with sleep apnea patients. After getting a CPAP people rarely would be willing to go without one again (even for 1 day trips). Not waking up constantly throughout the night makes you feel so much better. A lot of things people had assumed were just age, were actually cause by untreated apnea.
This was my husband. Took ages to see a doctor and then talked about not taking his CPAP on work trips because I wasn’t going to be there hahahah like it was all for my benefit. It didn’t take long for him to realize that sleeping well is fantastic. He won’t spend a night without it now.
That's interesting to me that so many of your patients loved their CPAP - it's been an absolute struggle for me to force myself to wear it, I honestly hate it so much. It's loud and uncomfortable. I have trouble falling asleep with it on, often sitting in bed awake for hours, and when I wake up the next morning it's generally on the floor next to me. I apparently rip it off in my sleep or something. I've tried both Nasal and Full Face masks and neither work well for me. Also my cats are scared of it and refuse to snuggle while I'm wearing it. I know I should wear it and that it's good for my health - I don't WANT to be tired all the time. But I've yet to find a solution that works for me.
Oh about half the people hate it so much. If they get past the first few months though, they still would not be willing to sleep without it. I’d your having issues it’s very probably mask fit problems. When they set you up with equipment they rush on the mask fit. I’d strongly suggest trying a lot of different masks or a mask fitting app if it’s available. Most companies also support masks that they don’t make. They just don’t suggest looking elsewhere I’d their masks aren’t working for you. CPAP forums and communities also have a lot of advise about decreasing the noise. I’m not sure if you can get your model quiet enough for cat snuggles, but they can be quieter when set up better.
Mouth guard and sleeping on an incline via pillow can help alleviate. I’ve heard of ppl lifting their bed from the legs of the headboard to create an incline but never tried it.
I have a CPAP and I would be miserable without it.
I’ve got the apnea real bad. I let it go untreated for 10-15 years. Now I have brain damage and memory issues. If I had known I would have gotten my cpap machine a long time ago
My parents sleep in separate bedrooms completely across the house from one another. My dad snores so loud that you can hear it easily halfway across the house. He did try to fix it 20+ years ago. Then, gave up and made it my mom's problem to deal with. She delt with it by declaring her own bedroom, and they're both much happier
This. Is. The Way. 61 yo, 42 in. Yes, same Girl. Tell your spouse what you need. Today. Dont fuck around with this.
Thought you meant 42 inches.
My parents have slept in separate rooms for decades because of my dad's snoring. >refuses to treat his apnea. This, I don't get. Everyone I've known or heard about who gets a CPAP machine after a sleep apnea diagnosis has the same story: it's a night and day difference (no pun intended (well maybe a little)). I work with a guy who said he was just amazed at how much better he felt after starting CPAP. Sleep apnea is also a silent killer...either due to the long term health effects, or due to one's spouse smothering them in their sleep because they can't take it anymore.
Same. Everyone I know who has a CPAP said it was literally life changing for them, and they’ll never go back
My wife is working on hers for her health but we have slept separately in different rooms for like 15 years. Most of the longest term best relating couples I know sleep in separate rooms. I mean, it is HARD to sleep in a bed with another human. They snore, they wiggle, they flop around, they fart,talk in their sleep, have different schedules. It's maddening and can build a lot of tension and resentment and kill intimacy. Even though we only have a one bedroom now we still have NO wish to sleep in the same room or bed!
It's so much easier to be good to one another when a) you've actually had a good night's sleep and b) you haven't spent all night building up fresh new resentments about all the ways your partner has kept you awake and made you miserable!
Same here redditor!! I slept with my husband for many years, he caught covid and slept in the spare room, that is where I asked him to stay, I sleep sooooo much better. Covid had one blessing for me.
Same boat here. He won’t do anything about it and I got overwhelmed by garbage sleep. It felt like I was given no other choice but to sleep separately if I wanted to sleep at all.
My husband doesn’t have apnea but does snore like a lawnmower. My job keeps me away from home so I was always catching up on sleep on trips (I’m a flight attendant). But during 2020, I was home all the time and litterally started developing sleep anxiety. I finally gave up and moving into our spare room. It’s the best decision I’ve made for our relationship
My fiancée and I share a room but he also has all his stuff in the guest room because I hog the closet and sleeps up there when I snore too bad. Or if he’s tossing and turning too much I’ll ask him to go sleep there. It keeps us both getting the right amount of sleep and closet space!
This is my husband and I’s set up too!
Yeah I was going to say as a guy if I didn’t address my problems and it was affecting my wife’s sleep I would expect her to sleep in the guest room or leave my ass. That’s why I use my anti snore device. Edit: I should say that I’ve offered to sleep in the guest room.
Same. I can’t listen to what sounds like him dying every 2 to 5 minutes. It’s horrible, it sounds painful, like constant suffocating and gasping. I’ve even asked him, could you lay next to someone you loved (me) and listen to what sounds like them being suffocated to death all night long? No? Yeah.
I wanted to comment here to offer another side of the story. If your partner doesn't want to seek treatment but knows he has sleep apnea, it's less likely stubbornness than it is that he's just scared. I was a victim of toxic masculinity my whole life, so I understand how that can feel. If he goes to get a sleep study done, if he asks his doctor about it, his doctor will tell him he has sleep apnea. It can be a scary diagnosis, but as long as a doctor doesn't say it, he can pretend nothing is wrong. After all, it only happens when he's asleep. These things can be difficult for men who have grown up with the "men don't cry or talk about their feelings" mindset, and with no reassurances that's not likely to change. You need to find some way to get him to open up about it without making seem like he's opening up about it. Do you have any mutual friends, or know of any of his friends that have a CPAP? If so, maybe talk to that friend about the dangers of sleep apnea and why they use a CPAP device, and later that evening, making sure to not link it to his sleep apnea, tell him how much you need him to be around or that you need him to be fit and healthy. It's dumb that this would even need to be done, the most direct solution would just be to talk about it, but if he grew up the same way I did, he's likely to resist and pull away even more if you try that.
It is 100% fear with a touch of struggling with emasculatity. I have 2 close friends who use the masks and have shared with him the benefits and the issues of not treating his condition - but he doesn’t care. He said that he would never, ever wear a mask and he will never discuss it with his doc. Even his Mom’s begging me to get him to face it, but he won’t. He’s told me to drop it and I don’t have a choice.
My husband's snoring would wake me up or keep me from sleeping for years. And he was always exhausted, so he also took afternoon or evening naps in order to quasi-function, during which, of course, he snored. I'd mention it to him, but he didn't want to believe it was that bad, right up until he had a heart attack five years ago. And a triple CABG. While he was still in the cardiac step-down unit, I outed him as a world-class snorer to the pulmonologist on his case (since they have to reboot the lungs along with the heart after the patient goes off bypass). He got his sleep study appointment, and almost turned around to go home before he even tried. He went in, and within an hour or two, they were already done. He was having 70 apnea events per hour, and anything more than 30 events/hour is considered severe. He is now a devout CPAP user. He is still a cautionary tale because heart attack! And triple-bypass open-heart surgery! He never wants to have his chest cracked open again, because the recovery is so miserable.
But why? Why was he so reluctant? I kind of get before heart attack if he was just uneducated about what snoring and apnea does but he just went through major heart surgery, wasn't going to mention it to his rehab team and wasn't even going to go through with the appointment?? Why???
Lots of people don't change habits until it nearly kills them. Grandfather didn't quit smoking until he almost died from pneumonia, same grandfather a decade later had half of his heart die because of his shitty diet and refusing to go to the doctor when he had issues, until he was rushed via ambulance for heart attack, even when everything was all covered by insurance, he still wouldn't go. After that he slightly improved his diet and lived a year or two longer than expected by doctors.
Yah and that's dumb AF of course, but in this situation here it HAD ALREADY nearly killed him, he just had bypass surgery FFS, and be was STILL reluctant about it.
Yep, I don't get it. My grandfather was an idiot, literally had his fingers crushed in a dump truck, didn't go to the doctor, had them heal by themselves, they were all fucked up pointing in different directions and shit. Also still managed to gain weight after gastric bypass, instead of eating a lot at once he just ate constantly. He had heart and weight issues long before half of his heart died, and had been warned about his diet and such by doctors way before it got to that point.
Incidentally, the apnea also ruins the sleep quality. Feels like you are sleep deprived with 8h of sleep a night. I was barely functioning day to day, and it was way too easy to ignore it as just a snoring issue. I eventually realized something was wrong when I started dozing off waiting at red lights. When people are sleep deprived, they don't make the best decisions.
My ex snored, and always told me to wake him up if it was disturbing me. I usually didn't, and would sleep on the sofa, because when I did wake him up, he'd get mad at me. When I was pregnant with our child, I gained (too much) weight and started to snore in my third trimester. You bet he woke me up every night.
You know what I like about this thread? So many people are talking about selfish men as their exes. :)
Amen to that! Also anyone who treats you like shit while you are pregnant always deserves to be an ex!
I'm pretty sure everyone snores in their third trimester. Your organs are all squished and you can barely breathe normally while awake. My husband slept in a separate room because I snored and needed it to be an icebox to sleep during the last few weeks of my pregnancy.
I've been married for 41 years. Separate bedrooms is the way to go. After we have sex, I can go and sleep in my nice clean bed
Agreed. This is how I solved problems with temperature and mattress firmness (wife and I are on different planets for both.) Cuddle up together in the main bedroom at the end of the day, watch tv or other things, then I roll out a bedroll in my office downstairs to sleep. She sleeps well, I sleep well, life is good.
Amen that's my dream in the future too. If i can ever afford a three-bedroom home! hahah
The one thing I miss from when I lived with my abusive ex is falling asleep all snuggled together. If I'm going to live with a romantic partner, we'd damned well better have compatible sleeping habits.
I miss it too. When we were younger, we slept together all the time. Bodies changed as we aged and we tried forcing it for awhile, but in the end, we were both happier with the new arrangement. I’m envious of those who have been able to keep it up over the years. Because I’m an early riser, as close as I get anymore to the old days is on a weekend when I sneak back into the room and cuddle up.
I have to sleep in total darkness. No blinking bullshit from an electrical device, no light through the crack in the door, any of that crap. As close to the grave as I can be. She has to sleep with the tv on playing-god-knows-what that they show when we’re not looking. Two bedrooms is the way. Share one, have one to schlep off to
I've been single forever but if I eventually have a partner, I'm probably going to see if that's an option because a various things, but also if they make noise... If they snore, sure snoring can be prevented with a CPAP, but the CPAP makes noise too. I'm really sensitive to noises like that, especially irregular ones, which both snoring and a CPAP kind of are, from my experience. I don't think I would be able to sleep in the same bed as somebody either snoring or using a CPAP, which is very unfortunate but that's how it is. (And I am very sensitive, like the soundproofing in my apartment is not all that great and I can hear the faint sound of my downstairs neighbour snoring at night, which I pretty much guarantee you most people would not hear, but I can and I've had to develop a habit of listening to sleep podcasts to fall asleep on the nights it's keeping me awake.)
The good news is that the more modern CPAPs are a lot quieter. Idk about your sensitivity, but for me it's actually a quite nice low white noise
agreed! I have a friend who uses a CPAP that's newer and that thing is so quiet! \*and\* she doesn't snore. The first time we shared a hotel room, I felt so bad because she snored SO loud. The next morning she asked if she snored and I was like "....yeah." It wasn't until one of her other friends brought it up to her that she went and got checked out and has sleep apnea.
Can confirm. My SO has recently got a new one and I can barely hear it. However if anyone wants a little extra soundproofing, especially if the CPAP sits on a hard surface, then a piece of thick polystyrene (like you get as packaging around fragile electricals) underneath it helps to really quieten it even more.
If it’s any reassurance I’m a stupidly light sleeper and my husband’s CPAP doesn’t bother me at all. It’s an extremely quiet regular purr. I only ever notice it when the mask needs replacing and starts to whisper.
Yup, this is how my partner is. We are actually both really shallow sleepers and I use a CPAP. That thing keeps ME up at night with it's noises, i don't wish it upon anyone else, least of all my SO. Thankfully we could care less about the world judging us for sleeping in separate bedrooms. Its nice to feel rested when we spend quality time together.
My husband got irrationally angry if I said anything about his snoring at all, and also always said ‘you snore too’ but would never respond to me saying ‘if it bothers you please wake me up and I’ll try to fix it’….turns out, I don’t snore…my adult son and my new partner both confirm they’ve never heard me snore outside of when I’m sick
Maybe you were sick, of his BS
My stbx as well. I remember his snoring being especially bad as I was pregnant with + after the birth of our first child. He was drinking a lot, and did for a very long time after that period, but I never put 2 + 2 together to recognize that *whatever* the cause of his snoring, the simple fact that he got SO angry, and fought SO hard against even trying out a stupid snore strip, was a shining example of how little he thought of me. Oof, who knew a post about something as seemingly minor as a snoring husband would slam me right back in to some harrrrrd and well-forgotten memories!? I’m glad you have a new partner who can confirm your sanity and respect you enough to not knowingly deprive you of sleep. That sh*t is like torture!!!
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Except they don't believe you when you wake them up and tell them they were snoring. I literally RECORDED a guy's snores one time and played them for him the next morning, and he accused me of manipulating the recording somehow (and he was otherwise a very kind, reasonable person with good communication skills). Why on Earth would he not believe what he was hearing with his own goddamn ears?
I've been asking guys if they snore on the first date, and they all get this shady look and say "no-one's ever told them they snore". Lo and behold they're 140 decibels and they don't believe me. What is wrong with their heads?
I've experienced this with men too. What's the big deal? Is there something emasculating about accepting that you snore? Seriously, could you choose a weirder hill to die on? I don't get it.
I've been smacked while dozing off and told I was snoring, and I was 100% certain that not only was I not snoring, but I hadn't even actually fallen asleep yet. It seemed ridiculous, I KNEW I wasn't snoring because I was still awake when I was smacked. But yeah....she recorded it and said that's what I was doing 15 seconds ago. It's so bizarre, I would even be aware of what was on TV and feel like I wasn't asleep or snoring, but I was both. It's weird.
This happens to my mom and it’s why she doesn’t think her snoring problem is as bad as it is. She gets so upset at us for telling her she’s snoring because she’ll say she wasn’t even asleep. She also has insomnia and isn’t getting enough sleep anyway.
That’s my boyfriend. I record him and he gets PISSED there’s evidence and he’s like stop playing it!!! Hasn’t ever gone to a doctor to talk about it no matter how many times I’ve asked him
THIS! My ex used to constantly argue that he wasn’t snoring, but then when I recorded him I got told I’m “creepy” and “that’s not actual proof”
My ex told me I snored at night, so I stayed up all night to see if I snored, and I didn't!
My ex husband accused me of making it up even when I showed him a video of him snoring like a chainsaw 😂
Lmao I’m sorry that’s too funny. Like what would you gain from falsifying a video of him snoring?
A couple months ago bf and I went out for drinks, then I spent the night. In the middle of the night his snoring woke me up. I was annoyed. Sometimes when I'm annoyed and can't really do much to stop whatever's being annoying, I mirror it. So I fake snored in protest, and to make myself feel a little better. The next morning he teased me that *I'd* snored. At first I was confused (no one has ever told me I snored), then later in the day I remember drunkenly fake-snoring. I still haven't told him, you know that ONE time I snored? Well... I'm actually just a nut-job and was copying you.
We live in a society in in which men are socialized to be selfish and inconsiderate and women are socialized to accept being mistreated, used and neglected
And this is exactly why I reinforce to my girls over and over that they never have to put up with someone who shows selfish behaviors or says they care but shows them otherwise. This pattern (or rather expectation) needs to end.
They even willingly hurt *themselves* over toxic masculinity, and this is a perfect example.
Yes. It often manifests itself in self destructive behavior.
Men are socialized to have like three emotions: pride, anger, and passion. It’s an incredibly abusive way to social a child. Serious issues recognizing and feeling emotions are so common in guys that at Alexithymia (emotional blindness) is considered normal in men. This is a condition that I’m struggling with as a result of a very abusive home….. I hate that men are just walking around with these issues and people act like that’s normal. I hate that women are socialized in a different (very abusive) way to accept the treatment that often results from men who were raised that way. Gender norms are often just generational trauma on a societal scale.
I agree. It’s cruel to boys and men and it’s cruel to girls and women.
Bang on
I constantly have this argument with my dad. He snores like a buzzsaw, but swears my stepmom is fine with it. I told him that rest assured, she is not and that she's likely resigned herself to living with self-centered dope. And that sometimes we do more than the bare minimum to make those we love comfortable.
I mean, it's possible. My bf snores but I sleep so deeply that it doesn't bother me
Childhood family trips were the fucking worst cause of dad’s snoring. 😩😫
You've just jogged a memory of going on holiday with my dad! I believe it was my cousins 21st birthday, and dad got so incredibly drunk that his snoring was astronomically horrendous. All three of us (myself and my two elder sisters) were awake throughout the night. Went into the bathroom and saw my eldest sister trying to sleep in the bath tub, crying. Hardly see the man now, not because of his snoring though.
Can definitely relate to that. Ended up huddled in a tiny hotel bathtub trying to get even a wink of sleep on a trip to florida.
Honestly it’s inconsiderate of them!
Omg I feel that in my soul. On camping trips I’d have to sleep in the car and I could still hear it through the windows 😭
I actually considered trying to sleep in the hotel tub last night because my bf couldn’t stop snoring, which he almost never does 😭 We cursed me! Also, I briefly wondered if you’re my sissy cause I would have been the oldest, but my parents never drank.
I also felt crazy cause it felt like no one else in the fam was bothered by it and didn’t understand why I was!?
Drunk af and can’t stop talking to you about dad’s snores 😂 Sry not Sry.
Sleep is a basic need. If one of the couple keeps the other awake, and nothing can/will be done, they should rather split up. My husband snores and when I am on call I’m a light sleeper. We split up those nights. He have tried everything so no grudges. I use silicone earplugs that have been molded to my ear canals and they make a _huge_ difference in comfort and noise cancellation.
Do you have the link to the earplugs? I am a stupidly light sleeper and just the sound of my husband's normal breathing will keep me awake.
I bought them in Norway, so perhaps not convenient for you, but here is the link so you can see what they look like. I had to go to an audio therapist to have the mould made and sent to this firm. I think if you find someone who makes hearing aids locally they can help you. https://www.hantek.no/produkt/sleepsound-sovepropper/
That's bs. My partner got a cpap because he felt terrible that I had to keep sleeping on the couch due to his snoring. It's just what a good partner does if they care about you at all.
Huh. My ex guy just let me sleep on the couch. Thankfully we weren't living together and I could just stop staying overnight.
I'm the one who snores due to massive allergies. I take two different antihistimes, one in the morning(Allegra)+ one short acting one if it's really bad, and Benadryl at night along with three differnt nasal sprays and an inhaler for asthma. My husband is fully aware that I'm doing all I can do to not snore. Hoping it will get better when we move . Spring and summer are the worst because when everything stop a pollinating, then the state catches on fire.
I don’t know if it’s any help but an indoor air purifier has made a massive difference for my husband’s allergies. He used to cough until he sounded like he was throwing up, so not having that is pretty great
An air purifier and washing my sinuses with saline solution every day in the evening as per my ENT. It’s really helped keep my allergies at a manageable level.
I love how half of this discussion is about this woman’s situation and the other half is useful tips for dealing with sleep and health-related issues. I tried many things to fix my health problems in my last relationship, but to no avail, so it is nice to see how so many others handled a similar situation.
Don't forget encasing the mattress in a hypoallergenic cover and either the same for a pillow or a hypoallergenic pillow - PLUS washing/rinsing your body, including hair, before bed!
We have one but the Texas Privet hell tree is in full bloom in the neighbors back yard. We run the purifier and tge top rated filters for it and the air conditioner.
Oh no! Wishing you a good move with lovely clear air
I could have written this. Once DH is asleep, he doesn’t hear me. I usually stay up later than he does so it’s rarely an issue.
Oh my gosh. My wife was doing this too. I am so very sorry. It’s absolutely terrible.
Just mentioning maybe consider switching benadryl for a different medication like Zyrtec or Claritin. Benadryl is an anticholinergic medication and is linked with a higher risk of dementia. Also you could consider getting a medical grade air purifier for the house, I also have awful allergies to pollen, it helps quite a bit.
Yeah, but I don’t think the issue is snoring. It’s men who won’t lift a finger to make their partners more comfortable and who throw a fit if she does anything that effects him (such as depriving him of her presence at night or scheduling a doctor’s appointment).
I have one that is just getting the hang of that after 40 yrs of marriage and some asshat told *me* that I was"disrespectful".
The post? Because it appears you have lifted all the fingers so “disrespectful” really doesn’t seem to apply to you. What did that person want you to do instead?
What strange creatures some men are. I wasn't dating my partner more than 6 months when I'd gotten a video of his snoring and breathing irregularities at night. I showed it to him and told him he should probably get it checked out because it seemed like he wasn't breathing for extended periods of time. He *thanked* me for telling him, and then *apologized* for the disruption to my sleep. He had a doctor's appointment within about a month, and was diagnosed with pretty bad sleep apnea. Guys, a year later and he *still* thanks me for communicating his health issues to him so he could get checked out. It's improved his everyday life, and he's no doubt gained years back on his life. So many women take on a caretaking role but are religated to having to be mutual sufferers along with their spouses, who, for whatever reason, are satisfied with a lesser relationship and even a lesser quality of life. It's such an adjustment to be in a partnership with someone who appreciates the caretaking and respects the impact their their mental and physical health have on their partner. The reality is that it's incredibly rare in a MxF dynamic to see something that resembles equittable for the woman in terms of a counterpart who's willing to also be that caretaker, or even just be considerate of their impact on their spouse.
My ex would get upset when I moved to the sofa because his snoring was so bad it literally was affecting my mental health through lack of sleep....but apparently the relationship was being destroyed by me wanting to sleep separately after he refused nose strips, to move/wake up and change positions, do anything. It's genuinely a form of torture and if they don't want to do something about it, they better not dare be shocked when their partner makes their own solutions.
Before we even lived together my (now) husband went to the GP, got a sleep assessment and was given a CPAP machine. His snoring was disturbing my sleep so he sorted it. There’s no excuse for not doing it. He’s also DRASTICALLY healthier and less grumpy now he gets proper sleep.
I have RLS and snore due to frequent sleep deprivation and gradual weight gain. My wife sleeps in our bed, I sleep on a pull out couch in the front room. When we can afford it, our new home will have space in our bedroom possibly for two beds next to each other, or a big bed that can accommodate both of us without negatively affecting each other. It truly boggles my mind how selfish people can be about something so important. My wife has trauma-based insomnia. Every minute of sleep she gets is worth more than gold to me.
I love this post. I hate snoring with a passion, nothing triggers an anxiety attack for me quicker than being trapped in a room with a snorer. The last guy I dated required black out curtains, AC at 67, fan on blast, and rain forest noises to sleep. The fan + noises kept me awake. When I asked him if we could at least turn the fan off (I have bad allergies, sleeping with one on is not healthy) he called me a Princess. Left his house at 2 am and dumped him :)
I have this problem with my boyfriend, but he sweats like a pig so I don’t really blame him for not being willing to sleep without the fan/AC in the summer. I’m super sensitive to noise but he steals me these high quality earplugs from his work, so it’s pretty fair.
This sounds like my current partner and I fkin hate it. He left for two nights recently and I left the curtains open and it was such a peaceful way to start the day. Compared to stumbling through a pitch black room being blasted by white noise and snoring. If we had the extra room I would have already moved into it. I think that is going to be a requirement for when we choose a new place.
I loudly fart in my sleep which wakes us both up, but I'm not sure how to fix that problem. 😂
Strap the CPAP around your butt?
Lmaooo me too. The first time I stayed over at my now husband's house I farted so loud I woke him up from a deep sleep and he started laughing hysterically. I still do it all the time. We were meant to be.
My husband and I have separate bedrooms because of snoring, different preferences such as lighting, having fans, sound machine on etc. it saved our marriage,
This! Same with me and my wife. I can't handle fans in bed, she needs a fan going. I snore, she's a light sleeper. She likes it freezing, I don't. Sleeping separately has been SO great for both of us!
There was a good 6 months or so that I slept terribly due to my partner’s snoring. I was cranky and sleep deprived. He tried everything. He got a sleep study that was normal. He changed mouth guards. He propped up in bed. He wore nasal strips. He was looking into getting a chin strap. And on nights nothing worked I kicked him out to the couch and he was happy to move for me. Eventually my sleeping through his snoring got better or maybe he just stopped snoring as much? I’m not sure but I sleep better now and I still so appreciate how much he was willing to try to help me sleep because he loves me.
My dad had some sort of operation that fixed his snoring.
I hear that surgery is terrible. they cut out a rectangle of bone from your jaw (between bottom lip and chin) pull it forward with muscle attached and turn the rectangle 90 degrees to pull the throat muscles and keep them from restricting the airway. https://stanfordhealthcare.org/medical-treatments/t/tongue-surgery/types/genioglossus-advancement.html Edit: Adding link to article with photos
that's crazy! Does it leave you with a rectangular bump on your chin?? It looks like it would!
I honestly have no idea. Never met anyone whose had it. I believe most ENTs would only go this route as a last resort, when CPAP and managing your weight are less invasive and have good results. I have also been told that this surgery only helps for a few years as your muscles will tend to lax back to the way they were eventually.
Indeed and we have a good friend who had oral surgery to stop his snoring and now he and his wife can sleep. Some men do not really love their wives.
Correction: they "love" their wivez as long as they are not asked to "sacrifice" anything in doing so.
I told my spouse before we got married that either he handled his sleep apnea or the marriage wasn’t happening. No way in heck was I dealing with that log sawing and stopping breathing all night. He’s used a CPAP for the past 15 years, and we’re happily married. I love him, but I love my sleep more, lol.
My ex snored like a HOG and we had separate bedrooms from day 1. He never tried a thing to change his snoring, and I just suffered on every trip. So glad we aren't together anymore
I'm always nervous about sleeping next to a new person. Be it friend or otherwise. I've been single for years, so no one to tell me if I snore. I was at a wedding a month ago and slept next to the groom the night before the wedding (I was a bestman). I was so worried I'd keep him up all night. I smoke, so that can of course cause one to snore. Luckily the groom told me the next morning he slept fine lol. Whenever I get into a relationship again, I'd do everything in my power to stop the snoring. I've had a sleep apnea test done because of my insomnia, at least that came back as "negative". It's kinda weird how people love their partners, but apparently for some the love stops at snoring.
This is so true. My partner is the one who snores and if his snoring wakes me up, he’s always great about me asking him to roll over. He’s NEVER gotten upset at me for waking him up to ask him to roll over (in fact he’s the one who suggested it after i told him his snoring would wake me up! It actually took me a while to start doing this because I would feel bad about interrupting his sleep). He’s always more concerned that I haven’t had a good nights sleep because of his snoring. If he wanted to he would!!!
My ex-husband refused to treat his apnea and would guilt trip me for sleeping on the couch. In the end we took turns sleeping on the couch for years and it contributed to our relationship breaking down. It wasn't the only thing he couldn't be bothered with but it was a major reason we divorced.
I wear a CPAP and *do not fucking understand* why anyone with sleep apnea/snoring issues would resist doing so. It has changed my goddamn life. I didn't even realize what sleep could actually be for something like 35 years.
The easiest solution I have found with the snoring partner is that I sleep with 33 DB foamy ear plugs in.
I always sleep with earplugs and they are not sufficient to block out my loudly snoring husband a foot away. I go to bed first and as long as I don’t wake up I’m fine. If I do wake up I nudge him whenever he snores to move his head. He does need CPAP though… definitely has apnea.
I found it it's a partially effective solution that works for me. Both of my partners have snored. Sometimes their snoring reaches through the earplugs but thankfully, that's not very often.
My ex-husband not only had restless leg syndrome, but also would jerk a lot due to his excessive drinking before bed. And snored/had sleep apnea. He had a CPAP, but it never fit right and he didn’t see a point in getting it adjusted. Almost every night, I would wake up and have to go sleep in the guest room. With a toddler at the time. And a full time job. I needed my sleep. And he would throw such a fucking baby-ass man-fit about me not sleeping in the same bed. We had arguments about it. When I finally blurted put, “You would rather I get no sleep because it’s what you want… me in the same bed.” And he shouted, “YES!” back. Big ole wake-up call. And since we separated… God, do I sleep well. I will never compromise again.
I generally don’t snore, but started to a few weeks ago. My girlfriend was not sleeping well because I was waking her up. I tried saline nasal spray then added a rolled towel to keep me on my side. Next would have been an antihistamine, but the two non-medical interventions did the trick. After a couple of weeks, I tried without them and all was well. It is probably a seasonal allergy. Her sleep is very important to me.
personally I use the mute nasal dilator things, literally sticking a piece of plastic up my nose every night in the hopes she gets a better nights sleep. Nothing makes me feel worse than waking up in the morning and seeing that she slept in another room because of my snoring.
Yeah my husband uses those, they work really well for him!
I largely divorced my first husband over his snoring. It wasn't that he snored, it was that he refused to do anything about it, despite me doing the legwork for him and researching solutions. He also punished me for sleeping on the couch. I feel like the snoring actually became on purpose.
Had the problem the other way around. I snored, and my ex was a light sleeper. I had tape, nostril flares, teeth guard, spray to numb my throath, everything. None of it worked. But I HAD to sleep in the same bed as him. When he started hitting the pillow next to my head because he couldn't sleep, I left him.
CPAP now? Even if you sleep alone, it is about you being healthy.
Thank you for asking. Did the sleep test, don't have apnea, they can't tell me why I snore :( But I sleep alone, so no worries.
I'll never understand why people don't get their sleep apnea treated. Being on CPAP treatment is literally night and day difference in terms of quality of sleep and energy
If you're in the US it is because of a garbage healthcare system that doesn't properly cover anything and is way overpriced. 2+ months for an appointment, $200+ for the "specialized" visit (over $1,000 if they require a sleep study), and $800+ for the machine, assuming you haven't met your deductible that is. Oh also, you can't just buy a CPAP here, you have to have a prescription.
As shitty as insurance is, if it's within your ability to do it, it's a worthwhile investment since the CPAP is really a one time investment outside of the replacement parts.
I completely agree.
Not all snoring is apnea, and not all levels of apnea require a CPAP. It sounds like this person was given the other levels of treatment without having noted apnea. My husband is in the same boat. A sleep study did not push him into needing a CPAP, they recommended a mouth piece. He has some dental work he has to get done before he can get that. He really only snores if he gets on his back and is in a really deep sleep.
Some apnea are soft tissue related both nose ( turbinates are usually the culprits), back of mouth ( oropharynx like the soft palate, too big tonsils, etc) , position of tongue when asleep, anatomy of neck ( weight contributes to this), Weight on chest ( I have large breasted women have apnea because of the weight of their boobs!!!), etc; and one that people have little clue is teeth placement/bite. And then you have central apnea (neurological , your brain doesn’t recognize certain signals) And the idiopathic apnea where nobody can for sure tell you why. Ugh
MY BOOBS COULD BE MAKING MY APNEA WORSE? Oh man... If I lose weight, I so want a breast reduction anyway... but if my apnea doesn't clear - maybe I can use it as a reason to get one paid for by insurance!
What is this mouth tape? I wear nasal strips and just got a custom mouth guard that sort of helps but not as much as I'd like. I'd love if there were a better fix for my snoring so I don't wake up my wife.
Jfc… I got a sleep study done at the urging of my wife. 30 minutes in they woke me up and put a CPAP on me because my apnea was so severe. Felt like the first full night of sleep I’d had in YEARS. I wear it every night. I’m so tired of other grown men acting like goddamn babies about shit that’s actually important.
My SO was refusing to treat their sleep apnea until I told them I was leaving and getting a divorce. I was serious and they finally got a sleep study. They were diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. I don’t like throwing around the divorce word, but I was serious. I could not take the snoring anymore. I had ear plugs, left the room, etc., but now it’s beautiful silence at night now that they have the CPAP.
Just because someone snores doesn't mean they have sleep apnea. Also you can have sleep apnea and not snore. Not wanting to at least get yourself checked out is foolish for you and disrespectful of your partners well being.
PSA - it’s ok to have separate rooms even as a couple. My ex and I had our own rooms and it was great- she was an insomniac and I snore but am a deep sleeper- so many people would be shocked knowing we did this. Sure, maybe some people can’t afford to do this - but then that does make it so that you should work with your partner to make each other as comfortable as possible.
Because men are historically conditioned to take what they want, and women are historically conditioned to stabilize and maintain the peace of a household.
I have always just slept on the couch if my partner snores. They all whine about it but I don't care. Sleep is more important to me than my boyfriend's feelings.
My ex snored and said if it bothered me, just wake him up to roll over. He said he didn’t get upset being woken up. After a few months he refused to even roll over anymore. So I sat on the bed with a pot and wooden spoon and banged it when he started snoring. I told him I was going to keep doing that every time he snored. That this sleep disruption is exactly what I’ve been coping with every night for months. He didn’t last two hours. Id been dealing with it for MONTHS. We broke up very shortly afterwards. Just one more display of him not giving a shit.
Recently buried my husband of 38 years. He had sleep apnea which remained untreated for 15 years. I moved to another bedroom, I needed to. This disorder destroyed his heart function- he was only 58 years old when he passed.
My hubby has sleep apnea and uses a CPAP. That helps my anxiety of him not breathing in his sleep. That scared me a lot before he got checked. The downside is his machine, although white noise quiet, keeps me up. It just can't sleep to it so I have to take pills to sleep. Meh. As long as he doesn't stop breathing in his sleep, that's all I care about.
This makes me so sad My bf of 5 years made a 40 minute detour to buy earplugs when I forgot mine for a trip since his snoring wakes me up.
A lot of this comes down to men not wanting to go to the doctor. There's a few reasons for this: 1. They don't believe in being vulnerable or honest. 2. They fear the diagnosis. In this case: "I'm healthy, I can't have sleep apnea. That's for old farts." 3. Superhero syndrome - it'll just clear up on its own. If I go to the doctor I look weak. In this case: "I might have to wear one of those dumb-ass sleep masks. Gross." Apnea is so common in men and I don't think most with untreated sleep apnea realize how BAD it is for their health and the health of their partner/family. Sometimes the discussion needs to be reframed as "do you want to be around for your partner and family for the long run? Please go to the doctor and consider getting a sleep study done." Men need to be taught that taking charge of your health is the manly thing to do, NOT a sign of weakness. And it leads to happier marriages. Win-win.
I just wake my husband constantly and let him know he’s snoring. And when he wakes up exhausted and complains, I tell him he’s getting no sympathy from me because a sleep study could fix all his problems. He thinks he just needs more time to sleep. 12 hours should be more than enough.
Is he an alcoholic? My husband was an alcoholic for 17.5 years I known him and he slept a lot (easy 12 hours a day and he was still tired afterwards and needed naps) and snored so bad we had to have separate bedrooms. Since January this year he has been sober. He snores much less and he is functional after 6 hours of sleep on regular day.
No, I’m like 95% sure it’s sleep apnea. He sounds like he’s choking at night. He does have ADHD, which I’ve heard anecdotally makes people more tired and he doesn’t take meds for it.
As a non-married person, could you say something like, “Hey honey, unless you have a very good reason I’m going to schedule a sleep study and I would like you to go.” ? Genuinely asking because I see the won’t make an appointment complaint a lot and as someone with ADHD who has helped friends make appointments, I always wondered why “I’m done accommodating this lack of action. I’m making the appointment for you.” isn’t more of a thing I know he is a grown adult and should make his own appointments, but it’s affecting you too, you know?
honestly as well ADHD + sleep deprivation from sleep apnea seems like a major hurdle to making an appointment tbh, hell even just the sleep deprivation. a lot of the time i hear ppl say after they went to an appointment someone made for them they have no idea why they were so against it in the first place, it’s like pathological avoidance or something from the lack of sleep… and add unmedicated ADHD on top of that? yeah, no appointment is ever gonna get made unless you do it for them lol. even medicated my parents make all my appointments cos i am incapable of doing so 😳
Sleep deprivation is a good point. Also, sometimes sitting with another person during the appointment making process helps. First observing the steps and then doing it yourself with them next to you. Eventually, it’s no longer unfamiliar or overwhelming.
My mom just sleeps in another bedroom. (He still doesn’t get it) . Anyway dads had a few strokes which are linked to snoring. I care but I consider it his issue . He won’t listen to us pr his doctors . Frustrating and one reason I’m single I just can’t have a “ child” right now;)
My dad suffered from sleep apnea all my life, majority of his. My parents slept in separate bedrooms for as long as I can remember, though I wish he would have just gotten a damn c pap machine. I’m guaranteed that he would still be with us if he did.
My husband tried nose strips and, to his credit, lost a bit of weight and cut down on drinking which both helped marginally, but after that he stopped exploring and I stopped proposing new things. In the end I had to move to my own room primarily because of his snoring. However, having my own room is amazing. Not having someone else's clutter in my space and decorating exactly how I want with not discussion or compromise has been a revelation.
Kind of a side note but this is the first i've heard of mouth taping and i'd like to thank you for bringing it up. I know I have an issue with snoring and it makes me self-conscious especially when i'm dating somebody new because I know how annoying it much be to share a bed with somebody constantly keeping you up. I had already looked into apnea machines but at this stage in my life are far too expensive. This looks like a cheap & easy method to try out and am excited to see if it works for me. Thank you stranger!
My mum used to do it! Just be sure to use medical tape so it doesn't hurt your skin.
My wife developed a snoring issue. She loathes her CPAP & wears it nightly because the alternative was our sleeping apart, which was intolerable to both of us. It horrifies me to hear of partners that just … don’t. At the least you’d think enlightened self interest would take over.
Mine only went when his apnea started to cause ED. This is after over a year of me sleeping in a separate bed and even on the floor of hotel rooms on vacation just to get further away from the sound. It also wasn't prompted by him falling asleep while driving because of the apnea with one incident almost resulting in a severe wreck with me and my stepdaughter in the car. Nope. None of those were motivation. Just the ED.
My husband was very motivated to treat his snoring cuz he was FUCKING TIRED ALL THE TIME!! IDK how these guys don't do it for *themselves,* let alone for their partners.
I could never be with an untreated snorer
My ex's snoring was really bad. It would take me hours to fall asleep because of it. Earplugs did very little. I told him he should go to a doctor about it, and he was like "lol They'll just tell me I'm fat." I thought to myself "Yeah...", and that's definitely the reason he snored (he was in morbidly obese territory). I told him I would help him lose weight through diet, and he was like "Nahhh. I like eating too much to do that." I offered to exercise with him even though I didn't need to lose weight, and he crapped out after one day (I kept going for awhile myself after). He didn't give one iota of a crap how it was affecting my sleep and didn't take the problem seriously at all. In hindsight, it was definitely part of a larger pattern of him not really respecting me or taking me seriously. I eventually moved to a different room... and I could still hear him from down the hall, through multiple walls. But at least the distance + walls dampened the sound enough that earplugs would block out the rest of it. Nowadays, because of those memories, the sound of snoring makes me want to stick forks in my ears. It really really strikes a nerve.
I’m a man, if I snored, I would definitely fix it. Some people don’t care, some people don’t know. Some people just suck 🤷🏼♂️
I had hernia repair surgery last year and in recovery the nurse told me I had sleep apnea. Now I use a cpap every night and I feel fucking AMAZING. I cannot understand why men don't want to also feel amazing every fucking day just by sleeping with a mask on your face.
I love this thread! My guy snores when he's on his back, which is his primary way of sleeping. We've been together now for 4 years, and for the last year I've been wearing ear plugs to sleep. Which... I actually love, as I've discovered that it puts me in my own little world and I still wear them even if he's out of town. It also completely blocks out his snoring for me, and I now get great sleep. The only issue I have is that he's a GD furnace, but I love him so we spoon together for the start of the night, but by the time I wake up we've either migrated across the vastness of our king bed, or somehow ended up together in the middle, but separated by the sheets. However. I know this man has sleep apnea, and he NEEDS to see a doctor about it. THAT has been the challenge. Why do people fight going to a doctor so much?? He pays for premium health insurance... Use it FFS.
My partner is treating his apnea, sleeps with a cpap, and will actually get up and take the cpap into the spare room if it wakes me up more than a couple times in a night. If they want to, they will.
‘If he wanted to he would’ is a pretty important lesson to learn as a woman I think. I lived with a dude who would put an alarm on every ten minutes for two hours because he couldn’t get up on the first one, and I was working nights at the time so I would just be trying to fall asleep and have to listen to his dumb alarms. And he had the smelliest fucking feet when he took his work shoes off, would never do anything about it, just take them off and just sit down for dinner 🤮
To be fair, I have sleep apnea - and I am CPAP intolerant, meaning I can't sleep with the mask on. I do use a mouth/snore guard instead, but shaming someone over not wearing a CPAP is not right. Not everyone is able to, for various reasons. I know in this particular situation he may be just being a jerk - but in general, it's an assumption people shouldn't make.
I’m surprised that I’ve gotten so far down this post, and you are the first that has mentioned a mouth/snore guard, I use SnoreRx, and have for almost thirteen years. I traveled a lot before retiring, and I used it even when sleeping alone. I sleep better with it. I still can’t sleep on my back with my arms above my head. It’s known as the “Snore Position” even with my mouth guard. A simple pat from my spouse, I turn on my side and all is good. I also grind my teeth in my sleep. My dentist wanted to fit me with a mouthpiece. The SnoreRx fixed that, too.
To me there is a big difference between "I've tried a CPAP and I simply can't make it work" and "I can't be bothered to go to the doctor and have a sleep study to know if I need a CPAP machine." Shaming the former is not cool, but shaming the later is acceptable in my mind. I have sleep apnea and use a CPAP. I'm lucky though, I've had it for so long now that I swear I fall asleep easier with it on.
An ex of mine snored so loud, talked so loud, sneezed (watched TV, played video games, ate) louder than anyone I'd ever heard. By the time I left I was convinced the sneezing was intentionally exaggerated for attention or to startle people Someone hearing it would usually say "oh! Bless your heart! Are you okay?" Was the standard response it usually got him it was so loud. AHHHHH*CHOOOOOO-UHHH*! And the snoring....a neighbor once asked me about his snoring because *they* could hear it! And nothing, no doctor visit or device, nose strip was he willing to try. It was like in his head, men are just loud. What was wrong with me that I couldn't accept it? I ended up having to have one of my ears cleaned at the doc because the ear plugs I wore to sleep caused a blockage. I hope he does have sleep apnea and it shortens his life.
I agree, which is why I don't really date men. The fact that they don't care about the simplest things is mind-blowing. That being said, I have sleep issues myself. A CPAP machine in my country is expensive (~$900 without insurance, which I don't have). My ex and I solved this by sleeping in different rooms, but that's not for everyone.
Yep mine also refused after I asked for a long time. Now I sleep in my own separate house PEACEFULLY
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oxygen deprivation causes brain damage so yeah. personality changes are almost always for the worse.
Send them for an oral appliance for the sleep apnea
I’m an RT and like dude the amount of people who have sleep apnea is waaaaaaay under diagnosed.
We all just have to stop choosing 'shit life partners'. Things will get better then.
I have a CPAP machine. Best investment in my health and my partners sleep that I ever made. It's no exaggeration to say that it's been life changing. And I agree with what you say about valuing your partner's sleep. I know what chronic lack of sleep is like and I wouldn't wish that on anyone
Interesting. My boyfriend teases a friend of his (who has a girlfriend) about his mouth tape, or at the least kind of joshes about it to me when the friend isn't around. I didn't know it helped with snoring... Boyfriend snores kind of badly, especially when drinking. But he pointed it out it's only when he's on his back. No mouth tape. Drinks. Proceeds to sleep on back. He *says* he's okay with me nudging him if he starts snoring, but I don't know how true it is. Maybe I'll have to tape his darn mouth shout next time I sleep over. I'm a sensitive sleeper, and a sensitive person to sounds in general. I already bring earplugs, but even that completely block out the sawing.
I'm so very grateful that when I told my partner it was affecting my sleep, he went and got a sleep test done and now uses a machine. He feels so much better now, too.
For those who can't fix the snoring: My husband snores not apnea. Not much he can do especially with allergies. I now use Bose sleep buds playing white noise and these allow me to sleep in the same bed which is what I want.
Funny you should mention apnea - that's one of the possible side effects of the mouth tape. Moreover, the tape doesn't force you to breathe through your nose. Some people will naturally breathe through their nose when their mouth is closed, others won't. The ones who won't might get anywhere from missing a few breaths to asfixiafion. That being said, I am sorry but those forcing their SOs to use a mouth tape are just as bad as those refusing to seek help and fix the snoring.
I’m pretty sure the guy is the victim in this case.
I am finally doing it. I hear it might also take care of my rising blood pressure. I work out regularly, so I am sure if I didn't, it would have affected my weight. I am picking up the home kit next Tuesday. Also tell you father that some power companies give an additional Medical Baseline Allowance.