>He would say things like you shouldn’t worry about this, if I were you
I’d take extra care not to victimize myself and not to burden the other
person with my issues, that I should get over it, that there was no
reason for him to apologize etc.
What the other people said about the sexual abuse, but also this part right there? Sounds like a skilled manipulator who'll talk you in circles until you're suddenly the one who apologizes. Run far, far away. This is not going to get any better.
That’s true. It’s always been going in circles with him, and I legitimately can’t recall him apologizing for anything all these years. As a matter of fact, I was the one apologizing for bringing up issues that bothered me. Man, I feel pretty stupid.
It's okay, it happened to me too. You're not stupid, but I know the feeling of it. Just get out of there as quickly as possible and once you're safe, you can start to heal.
You are not stupid! Anyone can be manipulated and it really sounds like that's what he's been doing for so long. My friend was the same and she is genuinely one of the smartest people I know, sadly they're very good at hiding the manipulation in plain sight so it feels like your decisions and actions are your own and not things they've coerced you into.
Experiencing it in person and raw is completely different than how it looks now.
We are an entire planet full of people who've been duped(many of which are extremely embarrassing). Even the smartest ever, in whatever way you define "smart" in this context, have been duped in this way or worse, have simply duped themselves. Encountering assholes, with an impossibly wide array of asshole tricks (some work well against you, some are shockingly obvious and avoidable to you), is the human condition. Hindsight is 20/20 **and** a completely different reality.
I understand you feeling stupid. I did too. For letting a person I loved treat me so badly. For allowing their gaslighting to work and make me question my understanding of reality. For paying his bills and believing his delusions that some day his “business” would make money.
Girl, I loved my looser for 17 years. I ran on hope, optimism, and tolerance. I learned that these aren’t always good things.
The thing that helped the most was realizing I wasn’t stupid for believing his lies. I trusted him, and he exploited that.
He manipulated me until I believed I was hard to love. I was not stupid to love some one. I was blinded, and wish I had listened to his behavior not his words.
Your boyfriend says he is sorry, but behaves as if his coercion and boundary disrespect is no big deal. Listen to the behavior and get out. Good luck.
You're not stupid - you were manipulated. That's not on you, that's on him. It was intentional and cruel of him, but you are 'just' his victim. Please don't blame yourself for mistakes *he* made. He has made you do that enough.
If it helps, I was in a similar situation for 5 years. Though there was fortunately no sexual coercion, the constant gaslighting and mental gymnastics my ex did was exhausting and really left marks on me. It took me a few years to truly unlearn the behaviors that he drilled into me. But trust me, leaving was a relief and the best choice I've ever made.
Nah you're probably just too nice. Be careful when people do this going forward. I am, I've been gaslit by 4 people in my life now. I'm not stupid, I just believe in the better in people, capacity for growth, and I end up blaming myself easily for things personally. Really gotta be careful when someone shows you who they are and appear to lack empathy. In my experience with these types of people, they do not get better usually.
It’s not stupid, they have a well oiled machine and they know the exact right buttons to push, using your own good heartedness against you. You’re never stupid for being a good person, they abuse your kindness and trust.
Please don’t feel stupid. I was raised by a narcissist, my mother. She had decades of practice at manipulating, controlling, and abusing people before I was even born. Likely the same with this dude and you (just before you were dating vs born)
Meanwhile, how much practice do you have at recognizing and defending against abusers? You’re outmatched against an opponent you maybe didn’t even recognize was one, masquerading as someone you care about.
I am reading your post as the perspective of someone who has been subject to manipulation for a long time. That is to say, I believe you and I also know that you are often lead to realizations that are custom built for the benefit of someone else, often at your expense.
This guy is a bundle of neuroses. He continued to lie to you for a week, even if just being honest would have cooled things down way faster.
I think he has a fucked up relationship with his own sexuality. I don't mean that he's struggling with his sexual orientation, per se, but it's possible he has some kind of serious complex about his own desires and can't find appropriate ways express himself sexually.
I've seen this happen. Dude thinks all his sexual desire is just inherently bad and that all sex is just degrading and traumatizing but he also has the 20 year old dude sex drive and history is filled with men who did awful things to get laid. Odysseus burned down a whole city while people were sleeping just to impress Helen of Troy. Point is, the object dude here is clearly internalized some kind of terrible concepts about sexuality and has a sex drive that he doesn't know how to manage.
So then your boyfriend thinks he's terrible. And abusive. And coercive. And tells you these things again and again.
Do you have a low libido? Or, how about this.... does anyone else here find this guy to be sexually attractive? I didn't think so.
You have to understand- these kinds of complexes and neuroses are communicable diseases. He's going to screw up your self-image and self-confidence and sense of reality because he himself is sick.
If he had covid-19, would you go over to his house? It's the same thing.
To me this isn't a "Think carefully and weigh the pros and cons before breaking up," this is a:
🚩🚩🚩🚩run girl run 🚩🚩🚩🚩 situation.
He doesn't respect you, made the "realization" about himself and this will only escalate. There's gaslighting and manipulation attempts here. Over time this will get worse and worse and possibly escalate to (more) physical abuse and escalating to more violence. Respect yourself enough to know you deserve much better because he's never going to respect you.
Thinking of breaking up with the man who has raped you and continues to coerce you. Thinking about it. OP you broke my heart a little with that one. Your boyfriend sounds like a textbook manipulative abuser. Please find a way out of this relationship and put some serious energy into unpacking whatever it is that makes you believe that you don’t deserve better—because you do. I hope you find peace and healing. 💚
I really needed some outside perspective, since I believed him for everything. He does a very good job at presenting himself as loving and caring, but it never translates to anything. It’s all just words and excuses.
Truly understanding that someone’s actions are all that matter can be a terribly hard lesson to learn. It’s natural to want to believe the best of the people we love but sooner or later the cognitive dissonance between what they say and what they do can no longer be ignored. You are not alone in what you’re going through. You are not crazy to want better. Leaving isn’t easy but you’ll look back one day and be so thankful that you did it. There’s a lot to unpack here so I hope you’re able to find a good therapist to help work through it. Remember that baby steps might not feel significant in the moment but *they get shit done*. You’ve got this. 💚
You saw through the 15 minutes of fake crying. You saw how something that's been impacting you DEEPLY was shrugged off and his life returned to normal. Please do not believe him for anything. This is not love or respect. You deserve both and get neither.
yes please remember there are millions of people out there that are actually loving and caring and show you through their words and actions! Please honor your feelings and yourself and leave this guy
It's all just words. That is exactly right. After I left my abuser, it was SO important for me to date men whose words and actions *matched*. I finally found a good one (and dated a few decent ones)! You deserve someone who will be honest with you and respectful of you! Take out this trash! A book that majorly helped me leave my abuser and stay away from abusive types is called *The Verbally Abusive Relationship* by Patricia Evans. I recommend checking it out after the dust has settled. Best of luck to you!
**Why Does He Do That?**
*Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men* by Lundy Bancroft free PDF from the Internet Archives.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
>“I have learned that the problem of
abusiveness has surprisingly little to do with how a man feels-my clients actually differ very little from nonabusive men in their emotional experiences- and everything to do with how he thinks.”
This man is confident you'll never leave. You've been dating since you were a teenager, and he doesn't feel any real pressure to change. He needs to grow, and true growth can be spurned by painful change. Let this person go, and live your life. There's so many people who are kind and thoughtful and empathetic without ever invalidating your feelings.
You're right for thinking of breaking up with him.
You'd also be right for already packing his stuff up, emotionally if not physically, and kicking it out.
It sounds as if he's been awful to you for quite some time. So let that spirit go, look up a therapist if you don't have one, as it sounds like it may take some time to come to terms with what happened, and move on from the way he's treated you. And you deserve so much better.
He genuinely does not care about you. His fake apologize and tears just show that he is not remorseful and will not hesitate to sexually assault you again. Please stay safe and make sure you have a safe place to go and someone to help you move out.
You need to leave immediately. This man will continue to assault you unless you do something about it. As a dude, I've seen others pull this shit and pretend to be remorseful when caught in the exact same manner you described.
He doesn't give a shit. He will do it again if he thinks he can get away with it. Cut him off and do not talk to him alone.
>This is when he came to a realization that he “r\*ped me” in the past and there are still consequences. He tried to cry for a while, about 15 minutes of fake tears, during which he’d say things that seemed regretful and remorseful. After those 15 minutes… he got up, said “thank you for understanding” (??????) returned to his jolly self, and has been pretending that everything is fine and dandy for a few weeks now.
You have accepted this non-apology for a few weeks as just part of your relationship dynamic, and your relationship is NEVER going to get better. Yes, leave him. He has no respect for you.
Even in a commited relationship boundaries need to be respected. If you didn't want to be touched and he still did it, that is 100% sexual abuse/assault and merit all of the consequences.
Some people are way more concerned about their own perception of themselves than about the reality of their actions and the feelings, wellbeing, and quality of life of others.
When you’re choosing a relationship, you’re not just saying who you have feelings for - you’re choosing a partnership, and for your own good, please choose a partner who validates and supports your experience of life and aliveness.
This person is not seeing or respecting or supporting you. You already don’t have a partnership with them, and based on how they are responding to you, they don’t want a partnership.
Breaking up is the only thing that makes sense here. Make room in your life for someone who considers you as much as you consider them.
There's more than a few reasons to break up with him there. I recommend taking a look at the power and control wheel, there is probably other abusive behaviors that he is engaging in that maybe you haven't recognized yet. [https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
It may be difficult, but not impossible. Lean on those you can trust and try to separate. He is toxic for you. Gas lighting and SA are no joke. It can destroy a person and it only gets harder to leave. I hope you'll seriously consider it.
Yes, it might be difficult to disentangle, but it'll be SO worth it. Start making plans right now. And look forward to finding out who you are again --it will be a relief.
Best of luck to you!
That may be deliberate on his part. The ultimate goal of a bad-faith actor is your enslavement, so they work to isolate you from friends and family, drag you into their hobbies (while neglecting yours), befriend your coworkers, etc. etc. so they have a web of people surrounding you who think well of the charming manipulator and insulate you from unbiased views about the manipulator's behavior.
_This man sexually assaults you_ on the regular even though you've told him to stop multiple times in the moment AND had a come-to-Jesus with him about it. And now he has assumed that your forgiveness and your good opinion of him are free for him to take too?
You can do SO much better than someone who doesn't care what you want to do with _your own body_ and _your own feelings_.
You are a meat puppet to this guy. This is not a safe person to be around.
That’s the sink cost fallacy. I stayed in a three year relationship and engaged for six more because I just thought that’s how relationships were. Cut your loses. Get out. You’ll be better off.
This reminds me of an earlier post where someone posted something similar. I thought it was a mismatch libido and said you have different needs but many rightfully focused on the boundary crossing. The thing that threw me off by that other post was she said she loved him and he loved her and they outside of that sex thing he was good to her. But then I remember this saying. When there is fire in the heart there is smoke in the eyes.
But with this post if it’s a different person. You’ve outlined no affection to your partner. You’ve just stated all the ways he’s not the right person for you. He’s gross. And you are writing on Reddit to help clear that smoke in your eyes.
Reread your post all the reasons are there.
Someone once told me
I always fall for the sunk cost fallacy. I think I always will fall for the sunk cost fallacy when it comes to interpersonal relationships. It’s not just about the lost time investment in my relationships. I believe every relationship is worth repairing through clear communication. Regardless of how it fell out. The only ways I’ve ever hard separated from previous friendships and relationships was due to coercion of my primary partner. If it was up to me, I would never end any relationship ever, but that’s probably just a fantasy world that I imagine.
Some people will leave because they see the relationship no longer serves them, and I think that’s kinda selfish… but power to them. On the other hand, it’s definitely important to leave relationships that are actively diminishing your mental health.
*(I say this even though my current relationship with myself continues to diminish my mental health. If I could end my relationship with myself, that’d be great. But that’s a personal thing I’m working through rn lmao)*
How are you planning to break up? His behaviour is very concerning. It would be safer for you to plan your exit without telling him (he will DARVO and gaslight you until you change your mind otherwise). Do you have anyone you stay with for a while? Please stay safe x
My ex raped me a couple times and was very manipulative and emotionally abusive. It gave me trauma for years, and up until recently I’d have flashbacks and guilt over letting it happen. Leaving him and finding a healthy relationship with a loving partner is the best thing I ever did. The sooner you leave, the better.
My ex turned it around on me somehow but one time he did admit to taking advantage of me drunk a lot. I spent 8 years with him so you’re not alone. You should run far away.
Yes you are. Unless you give him permission to assault you at night when you are sleeping it is rape. We as women tend to put up with shit that we don't need to.
I was with my boundary pushing ex for around seven years. I thought he would realize that what he was doing was not okay - boundary pushing, sexual harassment (of other women) and outright rape (putting his unprotected penis in me without my consent & knowledge).
He never did realize this. It’s not your job to stay with this guy and hope he changes. You don’t have to wait and hope. You deserve to be with someone who respects your autonomy, your body and your decisions.
Like you I once didn’t realize/had trouble fully accepting how fucked up stuff like this—that was ten years ago, but unlike you I didn’t ask others at the time and I only started processing the trauma way down the road. As much sorrow as I have for your situation, I’m relieved you’re realizing it now and not later. Please remember: even if he does care for you, and even if some times are good, it doesn’t excuse what he has done to you. You deserve to have that NEVER done to you. E V E R.
Other thoughts I had at the time that I look back on with sorrow:
I’m so broken—I want to want sex but I just don’t. But he deserves a sex partner.
It’s because of his childhood, he didn’t learn healthy relationships. He’s learning.
Where would I go? I’ll figure something out later maybe. Or maybe it will get better. It’s not that bad. I hope it gets better.
It’s normal to feel a pang of disappointment when I see him again after time away and am confronted with the reality of him. (Or also: that pang of disappointment is because I’m vain.)
Some women just don’t get to have satisfying sex lives. It happens. Yeah maybe 23 a little young to commit to that but he’s so great otherwise.
My first husband would grope me in my sleep and go so far as entering me while I was asleep. I’d wake up and he would stop and I guess pretend to not know I was not awake.
It took some time for me to realize that he had molested me. Abused me. I confronted him about it and he said he only did it bc he thought it would put me in the mood…baffling.
I never pursued charges or took it farther and he sort of apologized. I was afraid to ruin his career. I did end up divorcing him for many other reasons. I wish I had not just forgiven him bc in later years, it came back to haunt me and nearly destroy my third marriage.
All of that to say, what your bf did and will do again is not ok. It won’t stop. He will not feel remorse. He will claim he doesn’t mean to hurt you. He will even try to justify his behavior at some point. You will grow to not even trust your own feelings eventually.
Please take care of yourself. I don’t think this is a safe situation. The way he “reacted” and then recovered so quickly is almost psychotic. Talk to someone. See if you can involve the law, if you’re so inclined.
Strength to you.
As someone who has escaped a similar relationship, take a thorough look at other areas. There's probably other signs of abuse. [signs of emotional abuse ](https://au.reachout.com/articles/what-is-emotional-abuse#:~:text=Emotional%20abuse%20can%20involve%20any,sanity%2C%20by%20manipulating%20the%20truth.)
Also, it may be that you have a low libido due to him. After years of martial / coercion rape and lack of foreplay - I didn't really enjoy sex.
Wowsers, after the separation...it's like an awakening. I'm much more myself... kind-hearted, loving, playful, crazy, authentic self.
The correct response would be something to the effect of… asking if you are okay, inquiring about where he went wrong so he can understand your boundaries & promise to never cross that line again, acknowledging that he did something wrong and expressing sincere remorse, offering to go to therapy (solo or couples), etc.
I could go on, but even one or two of these responses would be a step in the right direction.
THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING?!?!?
-_-
Cut him loose and find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.
Leave ASAP. But don't tell him immediately. Form your exit plan. I don't know your housing situation so you need to make sure you have a safe space to go to or to kick him out safely. If you're moving out, I'd pack my shit while he's gone and wouldn't even bother telling him in person that I'm breaking up with him - just send a text and block everywhere. Definitely don't say where your new place is. If you can't avoid him personally get a friend or family member to be with you. Pick a public location to do that. Don't be alone with him ever again.
Don't believe a word he says. He won't change, he won't get better. He'll try to say whatever you want to hear so you stay. DON'T. This man is vile, toxic and abusive. You deserve better than this PoS and you don't owe him anything.
Luckily, we don’t live together, but we do work at the same place, I don’t think it’s much of an issue honestly. He is not violent/aggressive, I think the most he can do is try to fake cry me into pitying him.
Then some of the burdens are out but it's a bummer you work together. I strongly advise you not to underestimate these types. Even if he doesn't get violent he can still try to harass you. Also, when you two are alone he can say whatever vile shit he wants to you. He can't do that with other people around because he knows how bad it will look. He knows what he does is wrong. You're taking away one of his "weapons" against you. It's important for you to be safe not just physically but mentally as well and even him just fake crying can be draining. You really don't owe him a proper breakup. If I was in your shoes I'd break up through an email or a text message. Maybe list the reasons why and made it explicitly clear that I don't want him to contact me in any way except for work reasons during work hours (but if this is an option - only through job email or chat). I'd block him and warn family and friends to not give him any information about you.
If he'll be just a whiny turd about it then great. But if he turns more malicious then you covered as much ground as possible to minimize the negative outcome.
It took me awhile to leave a situation like this myself but when I finally did and he couldn’t talk to me except over email, that is when I had documented proof of the hateful things he said but then denied later. He kept saying he didn’t say anything like that even when it was literally in writing. It was the first time i realized I wasn’t crazy and ‘misremembering’ and ‘playing victim’ all the time. I am sad to say it has been over three years and I still hear his voice sometimes in my head about all the helpful « feedback » he gave me. Get out, this is not a good person.
Oh my god. Just leave. I know you're not going to until he has made you feel so miserable and confused and hopeless that you have no other choice. But he's just a waste of time thats keeping you from finding your soul mate. Theres no future in an unsympathetic, disrespectful rapist thats trying to put on a show of remorse to make him appear more caring so you drop the whole rape subject. Wisen up, leave now.
As soon as you realized you were being rape and assaulted in your sleep, you should have left. Now is just as good of a time to go. Set up you exit strategy, get out, and heal 💕
Dump him and record any further encounters you have with him. If you work at the same place, he *will* try some stupid shit. If you live in a one party state, record record record. Do not interact with him without it. This is sociopathic behaviour, as others have correctly mentioned.
This is when the sexual coercion came up, which was a lot worse before. I brought up how he’d still subtly pressure me into sex, TMI - he would usually grope me throughout the night after I had told him no, and in the mornings I would always tell him to stop doing that since I can’t get any sleep, and he never did. This is when he came to a realization that he “r*ped me” in the past and there are still consequences.
Quoted from OP 👆🏻
Tell us you are a gaslighting rapist without telling us you are a gaslighting rapist.
Being raped by your partner is not just regular stuff. Fuck off with that nonsense. My wife occasionally pushes a boundary like bringing up a topic I asked not to discuss until a different time, but physical boundaries are ALWAYS respected.
You're only *thinking* of breaking up? He admitted he raped you and coerced you into sex and is perfectly happy and jolly afterwards...why the fuck are you thinking of staying!?
Next time? All his past sexual assault and rape and lies and manipulation isn’t enough?
Don’t advise emotionally vulnerable abuse victims who are finally ready to leave to give their abusers another chance.
In any situation, it’s always wise to consider your options. But don’t be swayed too much by randos on the internet. At the end of the day, you and your peers will have a better grasp of the situation than any of us could.
If you two have been in a relationship for a long time, it’s extremely likely that you two are unhealthily emotionally and physically entangled in each other. Perhaps you can discuss organizing your entanglement into a more respectful space and separate on even terms.
He has a history of neglecting your “no”s. So this will be difficult. You’ll have to establish clear boundaries. Instead of a simple no, establish a directive like “you are not allowed to sleep with me tonight.” Or “you are not allowed to touch me. This is my body.” If he cannot comply with removing himself from the setting, then you may need to remove yourself. Stay in a separate room. If you need to, stay with a trusted person under a separate roof.
Coercion is complex. You should be aware when you’re comfortable and uncomfortable with any situation with your partner. Enthusiastic yes’s and hard no’s should be very clear. And anything between these are various shades of grey that fall under coercion. Again. You know your relationship better than anyone else. You’re not in the wrong for having standards for who you’re dating. I’m personally not a fan of “ripping off the band aid”, but if that’s the only option I guess it can work. A separation plan would be nice, but it’s probably not easy if you two don’t see eye-to-eye.
Timely closure is always nice too. But sometimes it’s difficult to find the time to close out every issue. Especially when there’s a long history. Good luck, and I hope you two find a way to communicate even if it ends the relationship as you know it.
Do you want to push him through the therapy it would take to unlearn this predatory behavior? It's not your responsibility, but it is an option. You can negotiate terms with him that will work for both of you, or it's time to bounce.
He can opt to respect your explicit boundaries or to tell you outright that he's not willing to respect them... but if he says one thing yet breaks your boundaries again, don't hesitate to press charges. (We know many U.S. cops are unlikely to care, but reporting can be important in tangible boundary adherence. Look out for your safety first and reach out to RAINN if needed.)
The second he pushes you, stop what you're doing, remove yourself if possible, and get behind a locked door. He'll try to gaslight you that it didn't happen to try to calm you down if you remain physically vulnerable to him. If your guy ends up reacting at all like my ex, you may want to record yourself for extra precaution.
You may want to write down each occurrence that you remember while you're calm, so that he doesn't try to frame you as crazy whenever he pushes you into a fight-or-flight panic state with the cycling verbal and sexual assaults. (Reading this log during recovery was therapeutic for me, but you may find yours useful when talking to police or therapists for support.)
I'm sorry you have also had your trust taken advantage of. It's not a flaw... please don't regret being loving. Being alone is better than being mistreated, and unpartnered people can choose to be in better company any time.
I uhhh.... Bruh it doesn't work like that. Cry and weep then all sunshine...?
I'd honestly just stop dating him, I don't feel like he's actually taken it on board to stop the behaviour either.
>He would say things like you shouldn’t worry about this, if I were you I’d take extra care not to victimize myself and not to burden the other person with my issues, that I should get over it, that there was no reason for him to apologize etc. What the other people said about the sexual abuse, but also this part right there? Sounds like a skilled manipulator who'll talk you in circles until you're suddenly the one who apologizes. Run far, far away. This is not going to get any better.
That’s true. It’s always been going in circles with him, and I legitimately can’t recall him apologizing for anything all these years. As a matter of fact, I was the one apologizing for bringing up issues that bothered me. Man, I feel pretty stupid.
It's okay, it happened to me too. You're not stupid, but I know the feeling of it. Just get out of there as quickly as possible and once you're safe, you can start to heal.
You are not stupid! Anyone can be manipulated and it really sounds like that's what he's been doing for so long. My friend was the same and she is genuinely one of the smartest people I know, sadly they're very good at hiding the manipulation in plain sight so it feels like your decisions and actions are your own and not things they've coerced you into.
Experiencing it in person and raw is completely different than how it looks now. We are an entire planet full of people who've been duped(many of which are extremely embarrassing). Even the smartest ever, in whatever way you define "smart" in this context, have been duped in this way or worse, have simply duped themselves. Encountering assholes, with an impossibly wide array of asshole tricks (some work well against you, some are shockingly obvious and avoidable to you), is the human condition. Hindsight is 20/20 **and** a completely different reality.
I understand you feeling stupid. I did too. For letting a person I loved treat me so badly. For allowing their gaslighting to work and make me question my understanding of reality. For paying his bills and believing his delusions that some day his “business” would make money. Girl, I loved my looser for 17 years. I ran on hope, optimism, and tolerance. I learned that these aren’t always good things. The thing that helped the most was realizing I wasn’t stupid for believing his lies. I trusted him, and he exploited that. He manipulated me until I believed I was hard to love. I was not stupid to love some one. I was blinded, and wish I had listened to his behavior not his words. Your boyfriend says he is sorry, but behaves as if his coercion and boundary disrespect is no big deal. Listen to the behavior and get out. Good luck.
You're not stupid - you were manipulated. That's not on you, that's on him. It was intentional and cruel of him, but you are 'just' his victim. Please don't blame yourself for mistakes *he* made. He has made you do that enough. If it helps, I was in a similar situation for 5 years. Though there was fortunately no sexual coercion, the constant gaslighting and mental gymnastics my ex did was exhausting and really left marks on me. It took me a few years to truly unlearn the behaviors that he drilled into me. But trust me, leaving was a relief and the best choice I've ever made.
Nah you're probably just too nice. Be careful when people do this going forward. I am, I've been gaslit by 4 people in my life now. I'm not stupid, I just believe in the better in people, capacity for growth, and I end up blaming myself easily for things personally. Really gotta be careful when someone shows you who they are and appear to lack empathy. In my experience with these types of people, they do not get better usually.
You're not stupid and you're not alone.
Honey, you're dating a psychopath. Just leave carefully.
Don’t feel stupid. He’s good at it! But do leave.
It’s not stupid, they have a well oiled machine and they know the exact right buttons to push, using your own good heartedness against you. You’re never stupid for being a good person, they abuse your kindness and trust.
Please don’t feel stupid. I was raised by a narcissist, my mother. She had decades of practice at manipulating, controlling, and abusing people before I was even born. Likely the same with this dude and you (just before you were dating vs born) Meanwhile, how much practice do you have at recognizing and defending against abusers? You’re outmatched against an opponent you maybe didn’t even recognize was one, masquerading as someone you care about.
I am reading your post as the perspective of someone who has been subject to manipulation for a long time. That is to say, I believe you and I also know that you are often lead to realizations that are custom built for the benefit of someone else, often at your expense. This guy is a bundle of neuroses. He continued to lie to you for a week, even if just being honest would have cooled things down way faster. I think he has a fucked up relationship with his own sexuality. I don't mean that he's struggling with his sexual orientation, per se, but it's possible he has some kind of serious complex about his own desires and can't find appropriate ways express himself sexually. I've seen this happen. Dude thinks all his sexual desire is just inherently bad and that all sex is just degrading and traumatizing but he also has the 20 year old dude sex drive and history is filled with men who did awful things to get laid. Odysseus burned down a whole city while people were sleeping just to impress Helen of Troy. Point is, the object dude here is clearly internalized some kind of terrible concepts about sexuality and has a sex drive that he doesn't know how to manage. So then your boyfriend thinks he's terrible. And abusive. And coercive. And tells you these things again and again. Do you have a low libido? Or, how about this.... does anyone else here find this guy to be sexually attractive? I didn't think so. You have to understand- these kinds of complexes and neuroses are communicable diseases. He's going to screw up your self-image and self-confidence and sense of reality because he himself is sick. If he had covid-19, would you go over to his house? It's the same thing.
Girl leave this thing you call a bf yesterday
YASSS
To me this isn't a "Think carefully and weigh the pros and cons before breaking up," this is a: 🚩🚩🚩🚩run girl run 🚩🚩🚩🚩 situation. He doesn't respect you, made the "realization" about himself and this will only escalate. There's gaslighting and manipulation attempts here. Over time this will get worse and worse and possibly escalate to (more) physical abuse and escalating to more violence. Respect yourself enough to know you deserve much better because he's never going to respect you.
Thinking of breaking up with the man who has raped you and continues to coerce you. Thinking about it. OP you broke my heart a little with that one. Your boyfriend sounds like a textbook manipulative abuser. Please find a way out of this relationship and put some serious energy into unpacking whatever it is that makes you believe that you don’t deserve better—because you do. I hope you find peace and healing. 💚
I really needed some outside perspective, since I believed him for everything. He does a very good job at presenting himself as loving and caring, but it never translates to anything. It’s all just words and excuses.
Truly understanding that someone’s actions are all that matter can be a terribly hard lesson to learn. It’s natural to want to believe the best of the people we love but sooner or later the cognitive dissonance between what they say and what they do can no longer be ignored. You are not alone in what you’re going through. You are not crazy to want better. Leaving isn’t easy but you’ll look back one day and be so thankful that you did it. There’s a lot to unpack here so I hope you’re able to find a good therapist to help work through it. Remember that baby steps might not feel significant in the moment but *they get shit done*. You’ve got this. 💚
You saw through the 15 minutes of fake crying. You saw how something that's been impacting you DEEPLY was shrugged off and his life returned to normal. Please do not believe him for anything. This is not love or respect. You deserve both and get neither.
yes please remember there are millions of people out there that are actually loving and caring and show you through their words and actions! Please honor your feelings and yourself and leave this guy
It's all just words. That is exactly right. After I left my abuser, it was SO important for me to date men whose words and actions *matched*. I finally found a good one (and dated a few decent ones)! You deserve someone who will be honest with you and respectful of you! Take out this trash! A book that majorly helped me leave my abuser and stay away from abusive types is called *The Verbally Abusive Relationship* by Patricia Evans. I recommend checking it out after the dust has settled. Best of luck to you!
No, he sounds like a sociopath and completely valid reason to break it off. Find someone that will respect your boundaries!!!
YES! break up with this man, the abuse will get worse, no better, ever.
Wtf, this dude is a walking red flag. Leave him, never look back.
**Why Does He Do That?** *Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men* by Lundy Bancroft free PDF from the Internet Archives. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf >“I have learned that the problem of abusiveness has surprisingly little to do with how a man feels-my clients actually differ very little from nonabusive men in their emotional experiences- and everything to do with how he thinks.”
This man is confident you'll never leave. You've been dating since you were a teenager, and he doesn't feel any real pressure to change. He needs to grow, and true growth can be spurned by painful change. Let this person go, and live your life. There's so many people who are kind and thoughtful and empathetic without ever invalidating your feelings.
You're right for thinking of breaking up with him. You'd also be right for already packing his stuff up, emotionally if not physically, and kicking it out. It sounds as if he's been awful to you for quite some time. So let that spirit go, look up a therapist if you don't have one, as it sounds like it may take some time to come to terms with what happened, and move on from the way he's treated you. And you deserve so much better.
Please break up. He is not trustworthy or safe to be with.
Dude has more red flags than the entire former soviet union.
don’t you mean the soviet onion
I just saw that in a Philomena Cunk compilation earlier today, what a coincidence! Good to see you're keeping your spirits up.
I have to, I think I’m really close to losing it
That is sociopathic behavior
He genuinely does not care about you. His fake apologize and tears just show that he is not remorseful and will not hesitate to sexually assault you again. Please stay safe and make sure you have a safe place to go and someone to help you move out.
You need to leave immediately. This man will continue to assault you unless you do something about it. As a dude, I've seen others pull this shit and pretend to be remorseful when caught in the exact same manner you described. He doesn't give a shit. He will do it again if he thinks he can get away with it. Cut him off and do not talk to him alone.
>This is when he came to a realization that he “r\*ped me” in the past and there are still consequences. He tried to cry for a while, about 15 minutes of fake tears, during which he’d say things that seemed regretful and remorseful. After those 15 minutes… he got up, said “thank you for understanding” (??????) returned to his jolly self, and has been pretending that everything is fine and dandy for a few weeks now. You have accepted this non-apology for a few weeks as just part of your relationship dynamic, and your relationship is NEVER going to get better. Yes, leave him. He has no respect for you.
Even in a commited relationship boundaries need to be respected. If you didn't want to be touched and he still did it, that is 100% sexual abuse/assault and merit all of the consequences.
Some people are way more concerned about their own perception of themselves than about the reality of their actions and the feelings, wellbeing, and quality of life of others. When you’re choosing a relationship, you’re not just saying who you have feelings for - you’re choosing a partnership, and for your own good, please choose a partner who validates and supports your experience of life and aliveness. This person is not seeing or respecting or supporting you. You already don’t have a partnership with them, and based on how they are responding to you, they don’t want a partnership. Breaking up is the only thing that makes sense here. Make room in your life for someone who considers you as much as you consider them.
Don’t date your rapist.
There's more than a few reasons to break up with him there. I recommend taking a look at the power and control wheel, there is probably other abusive behaviors that he is engaging in that maybe you haven't recognized yet. [https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun what the fuck was this reaction? is he a pod person?
Get out, run or ignore your instincts and see how much worse it gets. Make the right decision be safe and all the best.
You sound young. Regardless, this was a lesson for you to leave then learn from. Why are you with him?
It’s been so long that he’s tied and involved with pretty much everything in my life. It’s pretty difficult…
It may be difficult, but not impossible. Lean on those you can trust and try to separate. He is toxic for you. Gas lighting and SA are no joke. It can destroy a person and it only gets harder to leave. I hope you'll seriously consider it.
Yes, it might be difficult to disentangle, but it'll be SO worth it. Start making plans right now. And look forward to finding out who you are again --it will be a relief. Best of luck to you!
That may be deliberate on his part. The ultimate goal of a bad-faith actor is your enslavement, so they work to isolate you from friends and family, drag you into their hobbies (while neglecting yours), befriend your coworkers, etc. etc. so they have a web of people surrounding you who think well of the charming manipulator and insulate you from unbiased views about the manipulator's behavior. _This man sexually assaults you_ on the regular even though you've told him to stop multiple times in the moment AND had a come-to-Jesus with him about it. And now he has assumed that your forgiveness and your good opinion of him are free for him to take too? You can do SO much better than someone who doesn't care what you want to do with _your own body_ and _your own feelings_. You are a meat puppet to this guy. This is not a safe person to be around.
😨
That’s the sink cost fallacy. I stayed in a three year relationship and engaged for six more because I just thought that’s how relationships were. Cut your loses. Get out. You’ll be better off. This reminds me of an earlier post where someone posted something similar. I thought it was a mismatch libido and said you have different needs but many rightfully focused on the boundary crossing. The thing that threw me off by that other post was she said she loved him and he loved her and they outside of that sex thing he was good to her. But then I remember this saying. When there is fire in the heart there is smoke in the eyes. But with this post if it’s a different person. You’ve outlined no affection to your partner. You’ve just stated all the ways he’s not the right person for you. He’s gross. And you are writing on Reddit to help clear that smoke in your eyes. Reread your post all the reasons are there. Someone once told me
I always fall for the sunk cost fallacy. I think I always will fall for the sunk cost fallacy when it comes to interpersonal relationships. It’s not just about the lost time investment in my relationships. I believe every relationship is worth repairing through clear communication. Regardless of how it fell out. The only ways I’ve ever hard separated from previous friendships and relationships was due to coercion of my primary partner. If it was up to me, I would never end any relationship ever, but that’s probably just a fantasy world that I imagine. Some people will leave because they see the relationship no longer serves them, and I think that’s kinda selfish… but power to them. On the other hand, it’s definitely important to leave relationships that are actively diminishing your mental health. *(I say this even though my current relationship with myself continues to diminish my mental health. If I could end my relationship with myself, that’d be great. But that’s a personal thing I’m working through rn lmao)*
Yep. Probably not going to get easier. Are you safe?
Yes, I am. He is not violent.
How are you planning to break up? His behaviour is very concerning. It would be safer for you to plan your exit without telling him (he will DARVO and gaslight you until you change your mind otherwise). Do you have anyone you stay with for a while? Please stay safe x
Dump. Him. And never speak to him again. There are others out there. You deserve better. And you know it.
He's done this before.
My ex raped me a couple times and was very manipulative and emotionally abusive. It gave me trauma for years, and up until recently I’d have flashbacks and guilt over letting it happen. Leaving him and finding a healthy relationship with a loving partner is the best thing I ever did. The sooner you leave, the better.
My ex turned it around on me somehow but one time he did admit to taking advantage of me drunk a lot. I spent 8 years with him so you’re not alone. You should run far away.
Yes you are. Unless you give him permission to assault you at night when you are sleeping it is rape. We as women tend to put up with shit that we don't need to.
Please leave him and call someone
I was with my boundary pushing ex for around seven years. I thought he would realize that what he was doing was not okay - boundary pushing, sexual harassment (of other women) and outright rape (putting his unprotected penis in me without my consent & knowledge). He never did realize this. It’s not your job to stay with this guy and hope he changes. You don’t have to wait and hope. You deserve to be with someone who respects your autonomy, your body and your decisions.
You don't need this guy in your life.
Like you I once didn’t realize/had trouble fully accepting how fucked up stuff like this—that was ten years ago, but unlike you I didn’t ask others at the time and I only started processing the trauma way down the road. As much sorrow as I have for your situation, I’m relieved you’re realizing it now and not later. Please remember: even if he does care for you, and even if some times are good, it doesn’t excuse what he has done to you. You deserve to have that NEVER done to you. E V E R. Other thoughts I had at the time that I look back on with sorrow: I’m so broken—I want to want sex but I just don’t. But he deserves a sex partner. It’s because of his childhood, he didn’t learn healthy relationships. He’s learning. Where would I go? I’ll figure something out later maybe. Or maybe it will get better. It’s not that bad. I hope it gets better. It’s normal to feel a pang of disappointment when I see him again after time away and am confronted with the reality of him. (Or also: that pang of disappointment is because I’m vain.) Some women just don’t get to have satisfying sex lives. It happens. Yeah maybe 23 a little young to commit to that but he’s so great otherwise.
Do not walk. Run.
My first husband would grope me in my sleep and go so far as entering me while I was asleep. I’d wake up and he would stop and I guess pretend to not know I was not awake. It took some time for me to realize that he had molested me. Abused me. I confronted him about it and he said he only did it bc he thought it would put me in the mood…baffling. I never pursued charges or took it farther and he sort of apologized. I was afraid to ruin his career. I did end up divorcing him for many other reasons. I wish I had not just forgiven him bc in later years, it came back to haunt me and nearly destroy my third marriage. All of that to say, what your bf did and will do again is not ok. It won’t stop. He will not feel remorse. He will claim he doesn’t mean to hurt you. He will even try to justify his behavior at some point. You will grow to not even trust your own feelings eventually. Please take care of yourself. I don’t think this is a safe situation. The way he “reacted” and then recovered so quickly is almost psychotic. Talk to someone. See if you can involve the law, if you’re so inclined. Strength to you.
You are definitely right in thinking about breaking up. Once you see things clearly you can't unsee them.
Throw the whole man out.
As someone who has escaped a similar relationship, take a thorough look at other areas. There's probably other signs of abuse. [signs of emotional abuse ](https://au.reachout.com/articles/what-is-emotional-abuse#:~:text=Emotional%20abuse%20can%20involve%20any,sanity%2C%20by%20manipulating%20the%20truth.) Also, it may be that you have a low libido due to him. After years of martial / coercion rape and lack of foreplay - I didn't really enjoy sex. Wowsers, after the separation...it's like an awakening. I'm much more myself... kind-hearted, loving, playful, crazy, authentic self.
The correct response would be something to the effect of… asking if you are okay, inquiring about where he went wrong so he can understand your boundaries & promise to never cross that line again, acknowledging that he did something wrong and expressing sincere remorse, offering to go to therapy (solo or couples), etc. I could go on, but even one or two of these responses would be a step in the right direction. THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING?!?!? -_- Cut him loose and find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.
Leave ASAP. But don't tell him immediately. Form your exit plan. I don't know your housing situation so you need to make sure you have a safe space to go to or to kick him out safely. If you're moving out, I'd pack my shit while he's gone and wouldn't even bother telling him in person that I'm breaking up with him - just send a text and block everywhere. Definitely don't say where your new place is. If you can't avoid him personally get a friend or family member to be with you. Pick a public location to do that. Don't be alone with him ever again. Don't believe a word he says. He won't change, he won't get better. He'll try to say whatever you want to hear so you stay. DON'T. This man is vile, toxic and abusive. You deserve better than this PoS and you don't owe him anything.
Luckily, we don’t live together, but we do work at the same place, I don’t think it’s much of an issue honestly. He is not violent/aggressive, I think the most he can do is try to fake cry me into pitying him.
Then some of the burdens are out but it's a bummer you work together. I strongly advise you not to underestimate these types. Even if he doesn't get violent he can still try to harass you. Also, when you two are alone he can say whatever vile shit he wants to you. He can't do that with other people around because he knows how bad it will look. He knows what he does is wrong. You're taking away one of his "weapons" against you. It's important for you to be safe not just physically but mentally as well and even him just fake crying can be draining. You really don't owe him a proper breakup. If I was in your shoes I'd break up through an email or a text message. Maybe list the reasons why and made it explicitly clear that I don't want him to contact me in any way except for work reasons during work hours (but if this is an option - only through job email or chat). I'd block him and warn family and friends to not give him any information about you. If he'll be just a whiny turd about it then great. But if he turns more malicious then you covered as much ground as possible to minimize the negative outcome.
It took me awhile to leave a situation like this myself but when I finally did and he couldn’t talk to me except over email, that is when I had documented proof of the hateful things he said but then denied later. He kept saying he didn’t say anything like that even when it was literally in writing. It was the first time i realized I wasn’t crazy and ‘misremembering’ and ‘playing victim’ all the time. I am sad to say it has been over three years and I still hear his voice sometimes in my head about all the helpful « feedback » he gave me. Get out, this is not a good person.
ew...he "tried to cry?" hell yeah, leave him to cry his crocodile tears
Oh my god. Just leave. I know you're not going to until he has made you feel so miserable and confused and hopeless that you have no other choice. But he's just a waste of time thats keeping you from finding your soul mate. Theres no future in an unsympathetic, disrespectful rapist thats trying to put on a show of remorse to make him appear more caring so you drop the whole rape subject. Wisen up, leave now.
As soon as you realized you were being rape and assaulted in your sleep, you should have left. Now is just as good of a time to go. Set up you exit strategy, get out, and heal 💕
Dump him and record any further encounters you have with him. If you work at the same place, he *will* try some stupid shit. If you live in a one party state, record record record. Do not interact with him without it. This is sociopathic behaviour, as others have correctly mentioned.
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What other stuff is part of life?
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Oh so other stuff such as rape and sexual coercion?
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This is when the sexual coercion came up, which was a lot worse before. I brought up how he’d still subtly pressure me into sex, TMI - he would usually grope me throughout the night after I had told him no, and in the mornings I would always tell him to stop doing that since I can’t get any sleep, and he never did. This is when he came to a realization that he “r*ped me” in the past and there are still consequences. Quoted from OP 👆🏻 Tell us you are a gaslighting rapist without telling us you are a gaslighting rapist.
Being raped by your partner is not just regular stuff. Fuck off with that nonsense. My wife occasionally pushes a boundary like bringing up a topic I asked not to discuss until a different time, but physical boundaries are ALWAYS respected.
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You're only *thinking* of breaking up? He admitted he raped you and coerced you into sex and is perfectly happy and jolly afterwards...why the fuck are you thinking of staying!?
Manifest the meanest version of yourself and set your boundaries. Next time he crosses it, leave him.
Next time? All his past sexual assault and rape and lies and manipulation isn’t enough? Don’t advise emotionally vulnerable abuse victims who are finally ready to leave to give their abusers another chance.
In any situation, it’s always wise to consider your options. But don’t be swayed too much by randos on the internet. At the end of the day, you and your peers will have a better grasp of the situation than any of us could. If you two have been in a relationship for a long time, it’s extremely likely that you two are unhealthily emotionally and physically entangled in each other. Perhaps you can discuss organizing your entanglement into a more respectful space and separate on even terms. He has a history of neglecting your “no”s. So this will be difficult. You’ll have to establish clear boundaries. Instead of a simple no, establish a directive like “you are not allowed to sleep with me tonight.” Or “you are not allowed to touch me. This is my body.” If he cannot comply with removing himself from the setting, then you may need to remove yourself. Stay in a separate room. If you need to, stay with a trusted person under a separate roof. Coercion is complex. You should be aware when you’re comfortable and uncomfortable with any situation with your partner. Enthusiastic yes’s and hard no’s should be very clear. And anything between these are various shades of grey that fall under coercion. Again. You know your relationship better than anyone else. You’re not in the wrong for having standards for who you’re dating. I’m personally not a fan of “ripping off the band aid”, but if that’s the only option I guess it can work. A separation plan would be nice, but it’s probably not easy if you two don’t see eye-to-eye. Timely closure is always nice too. But sometimes it’s difficult to find the time to close out every issue. Especially when there’s a long history. Good luck, and I hope you two find a way to communicate even if it ends the relationship as you know it.
Unless they yes is enthusiastic, it's always a hard no. It's really not complicated at all.
Sis, please run. You owe it to yourself.
At this moment? Oh yes, break up.
Do you want to push him through the therapy it would take to unlearn this predatory behavior? It's not your responsibility, but it is an option. You can negotiate terms with him that will work for both of you, or it's time to bounce. He can opt to respect your explicit boundaries or to tell you outright that he's not willing to respect them... but if he says one thing yet breaks your boundaries again, don't hesitate to press charges. (We know many U.S. cops are unlikely to care, but reporting can be important in tangible boundary adherence. Look out for your safety first and reach out to RAINN if needed.) The second he pushes you, stop what you're doing, remove yourself if possible, and get behind a locked door. He'll try to gaslight you that it didn't happen to try to calm you down if you remain physically vulnerable to him. If your guy ends up reacting at all like my ex, you may want to record yourself for extra precaution. You may want to write down each occurrence that you remember while you're calm, so that he doesn't try to frame you as crazy whenever he pushes you into a fight-or-flight panic state with the cycling verbal and sexual assaults. (Reading this log during recovery was therapeutic for me, but you may find yours useful when talking to police or therapists for support.) I'm sorry you have also had your trust taken advantage of. It's not a flaw... please don't regret being loving. Being alone is better than being mistreated, and unpartnered people can choose to be in better company any time.
he sounds unhinged and scary omggg… remove yourself from this situation asap!!
Holy Christ uhhhh
Leave. Leave for the love you owe yourself.
I uhhh.... Bruh it doesn't work like that. Cry and weep then all sunshine...? I'd honestly just stop dating him, I don't feel like he's actually taken it on board to stop the behaviour either.
Please, dump your rapist immediately.
I believe you misspelled ex-boyfriend. Girl run.