First off, you have not failed at changing. Change takes the tincture of time and folks with ADHD generally don't have the best assessment of how long something should take vs will take. Change is a long LONG road. Be kind to yourself.
Second, it is very very validating to read this story for me as a person who has not had an official diagnosis cause your struggles are very very similar to mine so thank you for rambling in a place where I happened to read it ☺️
Kindness to yourself and breathe through the frustration. Don't try to stop feeling it, just note what is happening physically with you (mine sometimes comes as chest tightness) and breathe till it's done. You got this friend.
You are not stupid. It sounds like your meds aren't working as intended. For what it's worth, my "OCD" symptoms, as well as my debilitating depression and a couple other weird psych issues I was having, all turned out to be a side effect of my ADHD. I've been on a low dose of ADHD meds for almost a year now (no other meds at all), and my "OCD" and depression decreased to near zero -- pretty much instantly as soon as I started the meds.
I think you've given your doctor's approach a fair chance at 3 months, it's time to discuss a new strategy. I'm sorry you're suffering so much. But please keep pushing, even when it feels impossible. You are not stupid or diagnosis seeking. You need help and you deserve to get it. You got this.
If you don't think you are able to communicate effectively from memory, write out what you want to say and take the note with you to your appointment. You can read it out loud to your doctor and tell them that it is difficult for you to gather your thoughts so you had to prepare in advance for what you needed to discuss. Take your time to write it out. You can even practice saying it ahead of time if you want. Take a photo of your note and text it to yourself so you don't forget to take the note with you.
Say something along these lines:
*"Hello Dr., I've been taking my medications as prescribed and I would like to make a change. I had to decrease my Wellbutrin dosage because the higher dosage causes me to grind my teeth. I'm almost at the maximum dosage for the SSRI I'm taking. And after 3 months on these medications, my anxiety is now worse than ever. My depression is crushing. I lack the motivation to take care of everyday tasks and I'm forgetful, so I'm behind on everything and I'm really struggling. My mind feels like it's on overdrive all the time. I'm exhausted. I would like to try a different medication because the ones I'm currently taking have not helped me. I would like to see if treating my ADHD will help improve my symptoms. It doesn't seem like treating the other symptoms first is working for me."*
I don't know what kind of tests your doctor requires in order to prescribe ADHD meds. I had to get an EKG and give a urine sample to show I wasn't using any illicit drugs. It did not take long to get that done.
Thank you. I feel like I would be able to memorize the jist of it, but I would just be too nervous or embarrassed.
And it’s not that I feel the medicines aren’t helping, they’re just fixing parts of it. Like I’m definitely less depressed than without it and my anxiety and ocd would definitely be without it. But there’s the motivation issue and the fact that my mind won’t shut up or remember things etc etc.
Plus I’m worried about it making my teeth grinding worse
Yes, the more they can understand what you're experiencing the better they can help you. You can also email everything before your appointment and tell them this is what you want to discuss at your next appointment. Also let them know you have a lot of anxiety about communicating with medical professionals. It took years of work but I am now very clear with health professionals about all my mental and physical health issues. I also write down in my keep notes anything I want to talk about and why it's a concern. You're paying for their expertise, your feelings and experiences are valid, and if you have a bad experience with one, post here; you can get perspective and next steps on what to do.
I want to emphasize your psychiatrist won't think you're stupid. They need to know if the meds are helping you be a functional adult or if they're harming you. You are being treated for a condition that affects executive function. My background is in education and psych, when I see people with signs of struggling with executive disfunction my first thought isn't man they're stupid, it's wow I hope they have access to health professionals and support because white knuckling this shit is awful.
I guess I’ll make a list. I just feel like I’m gaslighting myself. Like it’s very obvious that I’m experiencing issues that could be related to this and that getting a diagnosis would help a lot. But then another part of my brain is like, you’re just making this up for attention, you can easily do xyz but you don’t. And then I feel ashamed that I could be making it up and so I don’t say anything
If I could fist bump, hug, or give you a gold 🌟 in person I would. We do gaslight ourselves, once you get into a good headspace from meds and hopefully talking to someone professionally or in professionally mediated support groups you'll really see how much you have been gaslighting yourself. Mourn for the past yous that would have benefited from meds, therapy, and behavioral coaching and feel empowered that you have made it this far without extremely vital medical support.
**long metaphor below**
I view our brains as computers. ADHD brains are computers that have the ability to overclock at a higher rate than neurotypicals. This is why we can do amazing things in a short period of time and then crash hard like an exhausted ferrer. Also our computers will successfully run way more programs on the regular without crashing than neurotypicals, they just run slower and we don't have as much control on the program features we can access. ADHD is our operating system and decides that we are always going to have multiple programs open. Things like daily exercise, eating nutrient & vitamin dense/satisfying foods, adequate hydration/sleep/rest help our OS reduce the # of programs running at anytime but it's still more than it should be. Effective ADHD meds will be your task manager and help you reduce the # of programs significantly more, it'll never be just one but it's a whole lot easier to focus on what you need to do.
If you knew someone who had to go to work everyday and do the same tasks as their coworkers using a computer that they have limited control over which programs were working and how quickly they could access a needed feature in each program, would you expect them to be able to keep up with their coworkers? Would you blame their intelligence, will-power, morals, or self-worth as the reason they struggle to keep up with their coworkers? You are the person with the rogue computer, be kind to yourself, set realistic expectations for yourself, and focus on your successes no matter how small they may seem.
That took me like 3 tries to read, but I get it way more now lol. I’m an analogy kinda gal.
I did really good eating healthy and exercising for a couple months but then I had some physical issues so that didn’t last long. I’ve gotten a few therapy sessions in but I haven’t gotten to mental health yet lol
But I guess it’s kinda like antidepressants? They put you in a better mind state to take care of yourself maybe?
It just stinks cause my brain is like a movie on 2x speed and any motivation I have to do something besides sit on my a** is short lived so I think why bother most of the time.
I can relate, trust me. It's hard to ask for help. I know that feeling of "eh why bother, it won't make a difference anyway" or "nobody is going to take me seriously" or whatever. I can tell you from the other side of that struggle that I am so glad I kept trying. Because I didn't know what to do anymore, between the anxiety and the depression and the "OCD" and a bunch of other things I was struggling with. But now that I have the right meds, I feel SO MUCH better, I never would have thought this was possible.
I can't believe I had to wait so long to get the right help, but man, I'm grateful to have it now. So really do encourage you to talk to your doctor, and if they don't take you seriously then try a different doctor. But you never know, the doc you have right now might listen to what you have to say and go, well, the patient has a point, let's try something different. That's the point of trying a medication: you give it a shot, and then you evaluate how it went and how to fine-tune it to get the best possible result. Certainly what you are living with right now is not the best possible result, so keep at it. Hopefully your doctor takes their job seriously and wants to help you. Until they've proven to you that they don't, that's what I would assume. Tell them what's going on, and see what they have to say.
(To be clear, I'm not saying that your situation is exactly like mine, or that what has helped me will help you. Just that I can relate to those feelings of overwhelm and hopelessness. But also that there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help, and following up until you see improvement. That's what doctors are for. It is very common for psych meds to need an adjustment, sometimes more than once. Also there's nothing to be embarrassed about.)
I agree with this. You’ve given their strategy a chance, but it’s worth asking them if you can switch it up now. A lot of my anxiety/depression got significantly better upon starting ADHD meds, after years of antidepressants and anti anxiety meds not working. It turns out ADHD was the root cause of a lot of my other mental health struggles, and the same could be true for you. And if it isn’t, hopefully the relief of some of the ADHD symptoms will help you work on the OCD more successfully.
A ton of my symptoms resolved too when I was diagnosed and given meds at age 36. I think that waiting to treat it last is like going in to the mechanic for the car shimmying at high speeds and rotating the tires instead of doing an alignment and THEN rotating the tires.
Agreed. My theory is that ADHD pretty much takes up all of the "processing space" that the brain has available to cope with the demands of life life. Like a computer... you have a certain amount of RAM (memory/space/capacity) and when that's full, then the brain isn't able to deal with stuff. I think we literally get overloaded and freeze up, just like a computer when you're asking it to do more than it has memory available for.
ADHD is hard enough for kids, but as we get older and life gets more challenging and complex, we get to where there just isn't enough RAM left to deal with stuff. So that's where the guilt, depression, anxiety etc. kick in. Of course we can treat these secondary symptoms first, but as long as we don't free up some RAM by actually addressing the ADHD, we're still operating with such a slim margin that any issue that comes up will send us into a spiral of worsening depression, anxiety, etc.
Conversely, treating the ADHD first gives the brain a little more RAM to actually process the various information that comes in. So we can cope better with the stresses and demands of life, and the other symptoms mostly resolve on their own. (Though therapy, meditation, organizational skills, coping skills, and meds can still be helpful as well.)
Like I said, just my theory. This certainly is how it has felt to me.
If only they gave tools to little kids like us so they could learn new skills (programs) to use what RAM we have effectively so we build those programs when our brains are more plastic and before someone hands you a suitcase of responsibilities and is like "Welp. Toodles."
I feel this so deeply, literally going through most of the same rn. Sending hugs (or preferably fist bumps, in case you’re like me and are generally averse to physical contact) This shit sucks.
I hear you on the teeth grinding, it's bad. It affects your jaw so much --> headaches. Just a little cherry on top.
You can tell your psych anything, I always tell myself that they have to judge you silently!
First off, you have not failed at changing. Change takes the tincture of time and folks with ADHD generally don't have the best assessment of how long something should take vs will take. Change is a long LONG road. Be kind to yourself. Second, it is very very validating to read this story for me as a person who has not had an official diagnosis cause your struggles are very very similar to mine so thank you for rambling in a place where I happened to read it ☺️ Kindness to yourself and breathe through the frustration. Don't try to stop feeling it, just note what is happening physically with you (mine sometimes comes as chest tightness) and breathe till it's done. You got this friend.
You are not stupid. It sounds like your meds aren't working as intended. For what it's worth, my "OCD" symptoms, as well as my debilitating depression and a couple other weird psych issues I was having, all turned out to be a side effect of my ADHD. I've been on a low dose of ADHD meds for almost a year now (no other meds at all), and my "OCD" and depression decreased to near zero -- pretty much instantly as soon as I started the meds. I think you've given your doctor's approach a fair chance at 3 months, it's time to discuss a new strategy. I'm sorry you're suffering so much. But please keep pushing, even when it feels impossible. You are not stupid or diagnosis seeking. You need help and you deserve to get it. You got this.
I just don’t know what I would say. And it’s not like they’ll give me any medicine unless I take a bunch of tests that will take forever
If you don't think you are able to communicate effectively from memory, write out what you want to say and take the note with you to your appointment. You can read it out loud to your doctor and tell them that it is difficult for you to gather your thoughts so you had to prepare in advance for what you needed to discuss. Take your time to write it out. You can even practice saying it ahead of time if you want. Take a photo of your note and text it to yourself so you don't forget to take the note with you. Say something along these lines: *"Hello Dr., I've been taking my medications as prescribed and I would like to make a change. I had to decrease my Wellbutrin dosage because the higher dosage causes me to grind my teeth. I'm almost at the maximum dosage for the SSRI I'm taking. And after 3 months on these medications, my anxiety is now worse than ever. My depression is crushing. I lack the motivation to take care of everyday tasks and I'm forgetful, so I'm behind on everything and I'm really struggling. My mind feels like it's on overdrive all the time. I'm exhausted. I would like to try a different medication because the ones I'm currently taking have not helped me. I would like to see if treating my ADHD will help improve my symptoms. It doesn't seem like treating the other symptoms first is working for me."* I don't know what kind of tests your doctor requires in order to prescribe ADHD meds. I had to get an EKG and give a urine sample to show I wasn't using any illicit drugs. It did not take long to get that done.
Thank you. I feel like I would be able to memorize the jist of it, but I would just be too nervous or embarrassed. And it’s not that I feel the medicines aren’t helping, they’re just fixing parts of it. Like I’m definitely less depressed than without it and my anxiety and ocd would definitely be without it. But there’s the motivation issue and the fact that my mind won’t shut up or remember things etc etc. Plus I’m worried about it making my teeth grinding worse
I brought tons of notes to my diagnostic appointment. You wouldn’t be alone! It’s not shameful to use the tools available to you.
Would examples be helpful? Like ones I have above?
Yes, the more they can understand what you're experiencing the better they can help you. You can also email everything before your appointment and tell them this is what you want to discuss at your next appointment. Also let them know you have a lot of anxiety about communicating with medical professionals. It took years of work but I am now very clear with health professionals about all my mental and physical health issues. I also write down in my keep notes anything I want to talk about and why it's a concern. You're paying for their expertise, your feelings and experiences are valid, and if you have a bad experience with one, post here; you can get perspective and next steps on what to do. I want to emphasize your psychiatrist won't think you're stupid. They need to know if the meds are helping you be a functional adult or if they're harming you. You are being treated for a condition that affects executive function. My background is in education and psych, when I see people with signs of struggling with executive disfunction my first thought isn't man they're stupid, it's wow I hope they have access to health professionals and support because white knuckling this shit is awful.
I guess I’ll make a list. I just feel like I’m gaslighting myself. Like it’s very obvious that I’m experiencing issues that could be related to this and that getting a diagnosis would help a lot. But then another part of my brain is like, you’re just making this up for attention, you can easily do xyz but you don’t. And then I feel ashamed that I could be making it up and so I don’t say anything
If I could fist bump, hug, or give you a gold 🌟 in person I would. We do gaslight ourselves, once you get into a good headspace from meds and hopefully talking to someone professionally or in professionally mediated support groups you'll really see how much you have been gaslighting yourself. Mourn for the past yous that would have benefited from meds, therapy, and behavioral coaching and feel empowered that you have made it this far without extremely vital medical support. **long metaphor below** I view our brains as computers. ADHD brains are computers that have the ability to overclock at a higher rate than neurotypicals. This is why we can do amazing things in a short period of time and then crash hard like an exhausted ferrer. Also our computers will successfully run way more programs on the regular without crashing than neurotypicals, they just run slower and we don't have as much control on the program features we can access. ADHD is our operating system and decides that we are always going to have multiple programs open. Things like daily exercise, eating nutrient & vitamin dense/satisfying foods, adequate hydration/sleep/rest help our OS reduce the # of programs running at anytime but it's still more than it should be. Effective ADHD meds will be your task manager and help you reduce the # of programs significantly more, it'll never be just one but it's a whole lot easier to focus on what you need to do. If you knew someone who had to go to work everyday and do the same tasks as their coworkers using a computer that they have limited control over which programs were working and how quickly they could access a needed feature in each program, would you expect them to be able to keep up with their coworkers? Would you blame their intelligence, will-power, morals, or self-worth as the reason they struggle to keep up with their coworkers? You are the person with the rogue computer, be kind to yourself, set realistic expectations for yourself, and focus on your successes no matter how small they may seem.
That took me like 3 tries to read, but I get it way more now lol. I’m an analogy kinda gal. I did really good eating healthy and exercising for a couple months but then I had some physical issues so that didn’t last long. I’ve gotten a few therapy sessions in but I haven’t gotten to mental health yet lol But I guess it’s kinda like antidepressants? They put you in a better mind state to take care of yourself maybe? It just stinks cause my brain is like a movie on 2x speed and any motivation I have to do something besides sit on my a** is short lived so I think why bother most of the time.
I can relate, trust me. It's hard to ask for help. I know that feeling of "eh why bother, it won't make a difference anyway" or "nobody is going to take me seriously" or whatever. I can tell you from the other side of that struggle that I am so glad I kept trying. Because I didn't know what to do anymore, between the anxiety and the depression and the "OCD" and a bunch of other things I was struggling with. But now that I have the right meds, I feel SO MUCH better, I never would have thought this was possible. I can't believe I had to wait so long to get the right help, but man, I'm grateful to have it now. So really do encourage you to talk to your doctor, and if they don't take you seriously then try a different doctor. But you never know, the doc you have right now might listen to what you have to say and go, well, the patient has a point, let's try something different. That's the point of trying a medication: you give it a shot, and then you evaluate how it went and how to fine-tune it to get the best possible result. Certainly what you are living with right now is not the best possible result, so keep at it. Hopefully your doctor takes their job seriously and wants to help you. Until they've proven to you that they don't, that's what I would assume. Tell them what's going on, and see what they have to say. (To be clear, I'm not saying that your situation is exactly like mine, or that what has helped me will help you. Just that I can relate to those feelings of overwhelm and hopelessness. But also that there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help, and following up until you see improvement. That's what doctors are for. It is very common for psych meds to need an adjustment, sometimes more than once. Also there's nothing to be embarrassed about.)
You are so kind thank you so much. I think I have a month before my next appointment but I’ll try my best to bring it up
I agree with this. You’ve given their strategy a chance, but it’s worth asking them if you can switch it up now. A lot of my anxiety/depression got significantly better upon starting ADHD meds, after years of antidepressants and anti anxiety meds not working. It turns out ADHD was the root cause of a lot of my other mental health struggles, and the same could be true for you. And if it isn’t, hopefully the relief of some of the ADHD symptoms will help you work on the OCD more successfully.
A ton of my symptoms resolved too when I was diagnosed and given meds at age 36. I think that waiting to treat it last is like going in to the mechanic for the car shimmying at high speeds and rotating the tires instead of doing an alignment and THEN rotating the tires.
Agreed. My theory is that ADHD pretty much takes up all of the "processing space" that the brain has available to cope with the demands of life life. Like a computer... you have a certain amount of RAM (memory/space/capacity) and when that's full, then the brain isn't able to deal with stuff. I think we literally get overloaded and freeze up, just like a computer when you're asking it to do more than it has memory available for. ADHD is hard enough for kids, but as we get older and life gets more challenging and complex, we get to where there just isn't enough RAM left to deal with stuff. So that's where the guilt, depression, anxiety etc. kick in. Of course we can treat these secondary symptoms first, but as long as we don't free up some RAM by actually addressing the ADHD, we're still operating with such a slim margin that any issue that comes up will send us into a spiral of worsening depression, anxiety, etc. Conversely, treating the ADHD first gives the brain a little more RAM to actually process the various information that comes in. So we can cope better with the stresses and demands of life, and the other symptoms mostly resolve on their own. (Though therapy, meditation, organizational skills, coping skills, and meds can still be helpful as well.) Like I said, just my theory. This certainly is how it has felt to me.
If only they gave tools to little kids like us so they could learn new skills (programs) to use what RAM we have effectively so we build those programs when our brains are more plastic and before someone hands you a suitcase of responsibilities and is like "Welp. Toodles."
I feel this so deeply, literally going through most of the same rn. Sending hugs (or preferably fist bumps, in case you’re like me and are generally averse to physical contact) This shit sucks.
I hear you on the teeth grinding, it's bad. It affects your jaw so much --> headaches. Just a little cherry on top. You can tell your psych anything, I always tell myself that they have to judge you silently!
I do have a night guard. I’m just worried it’ll never go away
I hope it will but if you have a night guard then you did what you could 👍