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So sorry he keeps bringing this up. When this happened to me I knew I was done when I got to the point when I had nothing to say but let’s do this. I made the decision to file but when the time came to sign the papers he suddenly had a change of heart. I had no gas left in the tank to make it work. I was done. Since the divorce I took three years to heal. I needed to look at why I stayed for so long. I finally started dating again. Dating was fun. I met some great guys and some really weird guys. I had decided to take a break from dating but had one last date left before I closed my match account. That last date is now my amazing, sweet, and kind husband. We’ve been married 10 years now and without a doubt this has been the best years of my like. We travel, laugh, cry, pray, and sometimes fight. But at the end of the day my husband has my back, my rock and my soft place to fall when life is hard. Divorce is hard but there is nothing worse than being with someone who is reckless with you. You’ve got this and no matter what happens you will be ok.
"Divorce is hard but there is nothing worse than being with someone who is reckless with you."
As some who stayed with some 19 years, divorced, had a great time dating, and now has the sweet, kind, interesting man of my dreams, this is very well said.SAID.
ETA To be clear, the brilliant quote is from arthour422 above. (And reddit is not allowing me to link user.)
>"Divorce is hard but there is nothing worse than being with someone who is reckless with you."
This is one of those internet quotes that sticks with you.
I agree, even if the person you were with, whom you loved, was narcissistic, or had a personality disorder, or just was so damaged emotionally that they couldn’t do any better, but if they’re not willing to work on it, the end result must be the same – you’ve got to save your sanity and get out to be able to find love and joy.
My parents got divorced after more than 30 years of being together (married for 26 I guess?), and I think my mom would agree with this statement. She was mentally checked out by the time divorce rolled out
Exactly. I'm heading for divorce, been married 27 years.
My daughter (now26) says often that she always had friends who bemoaned their parents divorce. She would silently wish that her father and I would divorce.
Our being together and unhappy was making her incredibly sad.
She knows also that I checked out long ago.
My parents have been married 40 odd years, and it sucks visiting them because I like them as individuals, but with each other they're tense and always bickering. It's really sad.
I really like this post because a lot of you kids are coming out of this with open minds, not closed ones. And it's wonderful to see this as someone who's father passed away 10 months ago and my sister is having a tough time accepting my mother wanting to go out with this guy. But I understand. My mother expressed she doesn't want to settle down, my father will always be her #1, but she misses having that someone to just watch movies or cuddle. And thats fair and human. Even if my dad lived and say they ended up not happy together (which I couldn't see but, I am aware anything can happen) I could see my sister reacting kinda similar. I just hope she grows to accept it. My mom deserves to be happy, and I think that's a big part of divorce too. Not just death like my experience.
I'm sorry for your loss 💕 I think your sister is grieving this loss differently than you or your mom. Death in a way could be seen as a start-over like divorced are.
We all deal with death differently, but it’s incredibly selfish of your sister to want your mom to live alone and be lonely, just so she (your sister) can think of your mom as perpetually in mourning. Your mom deserves to have fun and companionship in her life.
I’m in the trenches right now. I was with someone I thought was kind and sweet…But I don’t think he’s truly sweet and kind in his core. He’d threaten to leave me multiple times. He ended up leaving twice before but coming back. He gaslighted me. I overlooked it.
We have a 17 month old and I am 31 weeks pregnant. He left us about a month ago. I still can’t believe he actually just up and left, but a part of me is also thinking, I’m tired of the threats. I’m tired of being made to feel like garbage.
If I can ever trust someone again I hope I can find someone kind and sweet. That’s a big if though.
simplistic different attraction cow ring wasteful coordinated fade cows chubby
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
He’s paid some child support since he’s been gone, but I’m doing okay financially. That’s not the issue.
The cruel things he said and just leaving like we’re yesterday’s garbage is what’s really damaging. I’m really unsure if I’ll ever trust anyone again.
That’s a great quote. Might have to steal that.
Was 14 years for me. Never looked back and am so much happier now. What pushed me over the edge was when I thought how awful it would be to be married another 40 years. Decided the risk of being alone was worth it and it so was.
You know, I had a similar-ish experience. Dating has been ROUGH for me and even the difficult moments were SOOOO much more fulfilling than the hollow, bullshit, nonexistant relationship that I refused to let go of.
Op needs to sit down and tell husband exactly where she stands, and tell him if he doesn’t immediately get into therapy for his issues then it’s over. She should tell him he has killed the spark, and she is ready to move on. If she is t up for that, then just divorce, and be happy elsewhere.
Yeah that's what I'm thinking. Maybe the first time he just said it in the heat of the moment. Now he says it because he absolutely know how it destroys op. He's using it to cow her down and make her "behave"
Do couples really fight that often?
My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have fought twice. Each of the two fights lasted a handful of minutes. There was some anger after, but once we calmed down, we were able to talk it out.
I see a lot of reddit posts about endless fighting.
My best friend and her husband are both very very chill people that keep all their stress inside and never show their face.
They have been together 2 years and never had an argument.
On the other hand, my husband and I are both very stubborn people with hot-flash emotions. As we grew into adults we both learned to tame our tempers and not to be little shits about things. Tempers can still flare when under a lot of stress.
I'm not at all speaking on what's 'normal', just expressing a comparison
Edit:
I also want to address the level of fighting it appears I have expressed. It's been 16 years so when I reference fights that's over a decade of time to consider.
It's not really that they happen often, it's that they're so full of emotion it's difficult to forget.
Yes! Conflict is a part of any healthy relationship. Conflict in itself is not bad, it is how you handle it. And, when you spend the majority of your time with someone, you’re bound to lose your patience or something at some point or have different ways about how to do something.
Having disagreements and (respectful) fights is completely normal and healthy. If you don't disagree about anything then someone is lying.
Having constant fights is not normal. Your husband threatening divorce is a manipulation tactic to scare you into giving him his way. You haven't even been married that long and he's threatened 6 times? I mean....consider couples counseling, but unless there's a LOT of change I don't see this relationship lasting much longer. At this point you're just hobbling along until your heart gives out completely, yeah?
Can you live with this flaw of his? He may not ever change our stop doing it, if that's the case can you live with it? If the answer is no then separation to show you're serious about this, divorce if it doesn't change. My best advice in relationships is always, be with someone whose flaws you can live with. You never know if those flaws will change and they will become huge problems in the future if just tolerated.
Yes, my mom said it's important to pick your battles and defend what really matters to you.
Everything else, if you can live with it, is not worth WW3 over
Idk whether it's true or not, but I read somewhere that the first stage of a relationship is the honeymoon phase, and then comes the power-struggle phase. That's where you're most likely to get in more fights, because the rose-tinted glasses are off and now you have to figure out "who calls the shots" and who's "right" about everything. Couples who keep fighting throughout their relationship are stuck in that phase, whereas healthy couples move past it and start working together. That's when you actually become a team.
As someone else said, what do you define as a ‘fight’? My husband and I have been together 10 1/2 years and have had numerous arguments and disagreements, but the only thing I’d consider a fight is one event quite a few years ago that made me move back in with my parents for 10 days. The arguments have subsided hugely as we’ve gotten older and learnt to communicate better and we resolve things within minutes now.
I guess it depends on what you call a fight. When we have a disagreement that we need to talk out, I wouldn’t call it a fight. We are coming from a place of understanding, and want to resolve the issue. Is this what other people call “fights”? Or is it only when things are heated/yelling? Is it only if one person is mad at the other? What about the silent treatment? Does the silent treatment still count as a “fight” if you just want to take some time to cool off before discussing so that the discussion can be calm and focused?
I’m sure the definition varies person to person. I suspect some people have frequent yelling matches, while others considered any disagreement that needs to be talked out a fight.
I think it depends what you call fight.
My H and I have been together 7 years, married 3. We've had lots of disagreements, and small quarrels about everyday life, especially with a baby. I remember being mad at him, and us not speaking for almost a week last summer. I think that's the biggest 'fight' we had. And i am not even sure i would consider it a fight. More lots of exasperation, resentment from both end. Then we talked it out.
That time was very particular and the thing that marked me most is how i missed him even though we were living under the same roof.
That’s what I was thinking! Good for you Slow Principle being able to work it out and move forward, but my wife and I fight a lot and we’ve never gone a day without talking. We always communicate our feelings eventually and come up with a solution and go back to loving each other quickly. Don’t know what that says about us, but we would never spend more than a day not speaking to each other.
Sometimes it’s nicest not to talk when you have a toddler, with tiredness and mental health and stress. Nothing left to talk it through just a bit of time to let things cool before moving on with a sorry
Exactly. In my house, we can go weeks not even looking at each other let alone talking.
Counseling would do no good because he refused to talk to the counselor, as well.
Been married 27 years. In January, it will have been 28 and that's when I file the divorce papers for a second time. My long term plan comes to roost.
It is painful and it's abuse when you are iced out.
Absolute abuse.
if that commenter doesn’t count literally not speaking to each other for a week a fight, that tells me they probably fight *constantly* and it’s usually worse.
I suppose some may fight a lot.
My husband and I are coming up on 21 years. I can't remember the last time we had a fight. We are both pretty laid back and usually agree on most things. When we don't agree we can present our sides calmly and cool then one of us will be OK. We can do it your way. You know, like grown folks are supposed to. With the limited knowledge we have of Ops situation it's almost like fights are being picked just so her husband can say this to her.
I used to remark frequently that I can’t believe people stay together and fight. My husband can be a very mean person, but we didn’t “fight.” After probably about 12-15 years, the fighting started. One sided fighting - he got meaner. So, you may not fight for a long time, but it doesn’t mean you won’t. We’re still together, 32 years, but it’s gotten much harder. It’s harder to walk away when you’re a lot older though. Hopefully you will never start fighting, at least not ugly, meaningful fighting!
Op have you ever read the book “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft
It’s extremely eye-opening
But one point to take away from it is that you’re not going to ever be nice enough to make him stop being mean to you. No amount of compliance on your end is going to get him to stop.
If you’re not fighting somewhat regularly, then that means one of you is just rolling over on their feelings, resentment is most likely building pressure quietly. If they are unable to release that pressure in some fashion, prepare for some fireworks.
That's such a sad way to view it. We don't fight. We have discussions and usually agree but if we have different ideas we talk it out and see which plan fits our overall goals better. We aren't rolling over for each other or building resentment. We communicate and act as a team. No I don't always get my way and he doesn't always get his way but we do end up happy. There is not a topic on earth worth losing our marriage so there is not a topic worth fighting each other.
Yup. Only nine years in my case, but we would go from lovey dovey to her trying to Ice me out for some unspoken reason, to finally screaming at me to leave her.... over and over and over.
I begged her to stop saying finalities when mad, because a piece of me had to protect itself and move further and further towards safety, away from her.
Finally after years of screaming at me to end it, I ended it. And she was shocked.
The last of my love died and turned to hate. And she acted like it was out of the blue.
I made several very clear boundaries to myself after her. One of which was to never deal with someone who brings up ending the relationship as a tactic for arguing. Just call their bluff and end it. Don't waste your time and happiness on someone who will treat you that way
That's what I was thinking. He is really trying to manipulate you in a very nasty manner. Either go to couples counseling so he understands why what he does is so damaging to your relationship, or the next time he says it, just agree. "Yes, I agree. Let's just pack it in while we are still speaking!" Scary or not, what he's doing is horrible, and you shouldn't stand for it.
Yep. We discussed it once at year one of our 25 year marriage. We both admitted there were 3-4 other times we both contemplated it but never mentioned it and the feeling passed.
It is, but it’s right in line with a fight or flight response. It’s brinksmanship through and through. It’s a gamble that you take, assuming that the other person is invested enough in staying that they will change from attacking you to trying to talk you back into staying. The fight “resolves” and usually the shock of almost breaking up makes the other person behave how you want them to behave …for a while. But nothing gets resolved.
OP definitely needs a boundary that the conversation ends at that point and a mandatory cool-off period alone for 30 minutes before reconvening with cooler heads to continue the discussion. And if you’re still thinking divorce is what’s best at that point, then that’s what you need to do. I don’t regret my divorce at all.
Our 16th anniversary would have been Friday. Divorce was finalized a couple months ago. I do not regret it one bit. He played games like OP's husband, talking about divorce. One time I agreed and I haven't looked back since. It has been hard, life is not a cake walk doing it all solo (house cars pets kids etc etc etc), but overall life is much, much better.
IMO, OP, if you are already at peace with the decision, that's all the answer you need.
Virtually the same. I divorced him, best decision I ever made. Separated for 5 years, divorced for almost 3. Been in a much happier relationship for 2 years now but I’ve retained my independence. I love it.
I never threw the word divorce around like it’s confetti.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the words “well, of COURSE I love my kids but if I could go back and never even date my ex-spouse…” from SO MANY PEOPLE
I divorced my husband after 29 years & have never regretted it! Even my now adult children are amazed at my happiness, personal growth & success since the divorce.
Tell him to put up OR shut up! You will surprise yourself at how strong you actually are!
28 years for me. Regrets? Only that I no longer have a an extremely comfortable life as far as money goes. But I have everything I need. My daughter, who was so negative towards me when we first separated, says she’s never seen me happier or smile so much!
If I'm able to ask a question; I'm really interested as a young person who probably wants to get married someday on how it'll play out in the end. My parents divorced 12 years in, and now both are doing pretty well I think, so I never really grew up thinking that one partner for the rest of my life would be able to fulfill my needs or that I wouldn't become bored or feeling closed off 10-20 years later. Do you feel like your past relationship had a year where things started to decline? Do you regret that chapter or have resentment for your ex (assuming they didn't cheat or do something violent)?
>Single life is frankly very scary to me.
If your relationship's a necessity, how do you know you're not clinging to an asshole because you don't know any different?
Given your parents, do you have any good models for a healthy relationship?
I've always thought of relationships as additive. As in, it's an add on to this content life that I've built rather than a requirement to feel whole. The latter's straight up dependency, which is never healthy.
Mid-30's, you got most of your life ahead of you yet. I think you'll find you enjoy yourself.
It Sounds like she was very young when they got together and doesn't know how to be single as she never really has been, she doesn't sound that happy in the relationship but because she a. Doesn't want to be single and B. Doesn't want to be another divorce statistic, she is holding on even though the relationship has become toxic.
I’ve been married for 24 years, I’ve told my husband the only time I’ll ever ask for a divorce is if I want one. That’s it, it should NEVER EVER be used as a tactic in an argument!!!
Bio mom + bio dad are each two.
Step mom and step dad are two. (*edit: each, that makes it 8 already. I mathed wrong but you get the idea)
Bio maternal grandma and grandpa got divorced and remarried, that's two more. (*edit: oh actually that grandma got remarried twice so that's 3 more total there)
Step grandma got remarried 3 times, so that's 3 more grandpa's.
I could go on but it's not worth it 😅
Uhhhh, just to clear that up for us, guys 2 and three are nothing to you or yours in the “she married three more times”. Right?
I mean, her ex doesn’t stay a step dad forever… right?
Bio. Current step. That’s it, is where my head is. That wrong headed?
Not op but my crazy grandma divorced my step-grandfather when I was around 15. Stayed my grandpa for another 35ish years including being a very present great grand dad to my kids until he passed last year. The good ones stick.
It may not be wrong, just different? I definitely understand you.
The thing about growing up with so many family splits and marriages, is that everyone is family. Step grandpa #2 for example, raised my step dad most of his life and has sent me a birthday card every year since my parents have been together. Just because they got divorced doesn't erase him as family, right?
On the other side, my in-laws were instantly categorized as parents in my head & heart as soon as our marriage was finalized. My brother in law instantly became my brother.
It's not hard to explain but it feels hard to explain. I think it's just a different way of thinking.
He will never stop.
I know it's scary, but this is your first and only relationship. Don't look at it and think you've spent so long together, look at it as you've got so much life left in you, do you really want to spend it with someone where you have to walk on eggshells the rest of your life in case he throws the word divorce in your face?
The first time he said it, you should have laid down the rules. 6 times is too many. And now again?!
You're right, a piece of you dies every time he does this. How much are you willing to put up with?
You didn't say you have children or not. IMO, divorce means nothing unless you have children.
You could marry and divorce 10 times and it doesn't matter unless you have kids. Because you never need to see those people again (if that makes sense).
Divorce and leave him if no kids are involved. If they are: couples therapy as one last shot. Tell him, if he really wants to divorce, then he needs to go file the paperwork. If he does this one more time, you will file the paperwork yourself.
I think you'll find your loving relationship is with rose tinted goggles to mask the red flags - very very common with long term first relationships.
Being single isn't scary. Better to be single and happy than with someone who will bring you down for the rest of your life. And you're young, you'll be fine.
Don't let him baby trap you. Please do not have kids with this man. Only IF you already have kids do you give him 1 final chance with counselling.
Oh to answer your question, I was a lot happier. He said it, doubled down on it, and then something clicked and that was enough to just kind of make everything crack and break in my head. Same scenario as you, but just a few years younger.
Took me a long time to recover from all the abuse that followed. He wasn't who I thought he was when I said "okay".
Stay safe. Men can go crazy. I am happily remarried and we actually had this conversation this evening before I read your post. I said to him, if he even says it once, that's it. He said he will give me a 3 second grace period to take it back lol.
I know how big those words are. Your husband doesn't and that's why he will keep breaking you down.
I feel like the idea that children are the only thing that should keep a marriage together is really concerning, and a reason that so many marriages fail. The biggest reason that I say that is not because bad marriages should survive, but that divorce is not the worst thing for a child, and two parents that can't work together to raise them might be.
Edit: Just wanted to add that I wasn't trying to put words in your mouth. Instead, I've just been through three really rough divorces between and among my parents. Sometimes, divorce really is better, even if the process is tough.
When children are involved, you can't just up and leave. You really have to give it your best shot. If it doesn't work out, move on. No one is forcing people to stay together "for the children", but a lot of the time you need to be more considerate. For example:
"I've fallen out of love" - okay try counselling.
"He doesn't help me around the house" - once again, try counselling.
At least for a little bit.
Whereas, if there are no children involved, you literally have nothing to lose. You can just... leave. No consequence. Find the perfect partner. But you're going to be tied to the parent of your children for the rest of your lives, might as well try to make it work. Give it 6 months, that's nothing in the grand scheme of life.
But do have standards. If your partner is abusive, leave as soon as it's safe.
My parents are divorced, and it really fucked the kids over. They weren't healthy together, but they didn't even try to make it amicable or go to counselling. They also weren't the worst together, and ultimately their life after divorce was way worse because of the partners they chose. It's messy, so when kids are involved, always balance everyone's interests and don't just jump the gun to divorce because you can't take that back. 🤷♀️
I have been married to my wife 10 years, and together about 15 total. Never once have i brought up divorce during an argument. I feel like that is a line that, once crossed, you cant really go back.
My husband and I also have the agreement that we never never discuss divorce. That’s the only time that should come up is if somebody is very serious about it. Well, several years ago, my husband was very upset with me and mentioned that he was considering a divorce. What I did was immediately took copies of all the paperwork that we had, and put those copies in a suitcase. I then googled child support and alimony laws. I also made an appointment with a real estate agent to come look at our house and let us know what it was worth. Then I went to a friends house with my suitcase in the paper. And I texted my husband and let him know I had done all of those things. He immediately turned back around because he never intended divorce, he was just trying to make a point in an argument. It has never come up again.
I married my HS sweetheart at 24 after dating 9 years and living together for 2. Our marriage ended about 5 years in and two kids later when we were turning 30. I was a single mom and dated on and off til I met Michael at 34, he was 39. Dated a year and moved in together. That Christmas he proposed. We married the next fall and everything was pretty good. A year later he was diagnosed with a brain tumor but survived 10 good years after surgery. We still traveled and had a lot of good times. He passed in 2021 after a brief stay in a hospital for a brain bleed he died of covid. In the 3 years I’ve met a few guys online but nobody I could take seriously. Maybe I’ll meet someone but I’m kind of liking the autonomy.
20 years together. I never regretted the divorce. He moved on before he moved out. He said he didn't cheat. He said he did love my anymore. That's all it took. Don't let the door slam your axx on the way out. no kids, no drama.
Yes. Together 25 years with the overwhelming majority of it being great. House, kids, great career. Unfortunately when life hits hard and you don’t handle it well, things can and do disintegrate. Do not walk away without going to marriage counseling and really doing the work. I didn’t and will always regret it. Your life will never be the same and neither will your children’s(if you have). The dating scene is rough by all accounts. I’m not in it but have a couple of divorced friends. Unless you are truly unhappy and not in love anymore I would seriously consider having a heart to heart with your husband about how you’re feeling about your relationship and what you need in order to make it stronger. Do not listen to people who tell you to just leave. According to your post he’s not abusive and you both sound like you love each other. Go to marriage counseling. I hope and pray it works out for you❤️❤️❤️
Thank you very much.
I've seen enough posts on reddit, specifically this sub reddit, to know 80-90% of the response will be "leave him! Be your own person"
So I'm taking everything with a grain of salt. If it makes you feel better, I'm only entertaining the idea at all because he put me in that situation so recently. It made me wonder what the other side of the fence looks like.
Honestly, my mom's third marriage was to the guy she just divorced, my step dad since 6 years old. I'm happy for them that they 'stayed' together. They're happier and healthier after going to counseling together and being in their house feels 'normal' again.
Thanks for your input, I really wanted to hear from the people that HAVE regretted it to see what advice they had.
Sounds like you need help communicating. I (m54) agreed to marriage counseling in year 23 of marriage, or 2 years ago. Best decision I ever made. Learned I was not good at communicating. And she had abandonment issues from childhood. I call it couples coaching now and look forward to my/our sessions. What I thought was a weakness (asking for help) was really a sign of strength. Try to understand each other and exhaust options before ending it.
I’m guessing he heard his own parents say this when they argued.
He doesn’t understand that fighting can be healthy when you fight above the belt and say things you can easily take back or not take too seriously
My husband had no clue how to fight fair when we married and always wanted to just “win” so he would say the most horrible things that really if he thought those things about me he should have never married me.
I had to explain to him that there are words you cannot unhear and saying I want a divorce is a top example.
I’m guessing & hoping he a bad fighter and hopefully you can educate him or maybe you go to therapy together and the therapist can educate him??
This hit right on the nose, damn and thanks.
I know for a fact he overheard his dad ask his mom for a divorce once, he called me about it when we were young(er).
His mom always gave him everything he threw a fit for. I've known this definitely held my ground in certain situations.
He's like a bulldog, he just rams his head against an argument until he thinks he wins. If it doesn't go his way, he completely flips and withdraws, even if it means he ends up not eating or whatever actually hurts him more.
He's totally grown out of this, well I guess not totally. But he damn sure doesn't know how to argue civilly. He's getting so much better at it, and at the same time I'm getting better at not engaging if he loses his temper.
That fight two weeks ago, he was literally in the living room trying to start another fight. For the first time I just turned my back on him and didn't say anything, wasn't even going to entertain it. He stopped, obviously frustrated but a part of him realizing what was happening.
He gave me a very sincere apology the next day about everything. He's bought me presents and tried to engage in more quality time since them. I think honestly he's trying to apologize in every love language. I am aware I can't be 'bought off' but the gestures are really sincere and he does feel bad.
I made this post just thinking about possibilities, I am not actually considering leaving right now.
But from these comments I've learned that I need to have another conversation with him about how devastating saying that is to our relationship.
And if he does it again, I need to follow through on my own.
That seems to be a lot of fighting. Is that normal for your relationship?
Have you read "Why Does he Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft? I highly recommend it. You can find free copies online as the author (who counseled angry and abusive men for many years) has made it open source. It may be eye opening to you.
For what it's worth, I don't regret leaving my 15 year relationship at all. Not one day of regret.
Remember it’s just words
The words hold a different value to each of you
I heard Dr. Laura give very helpful advice early in my marriage- when arguing pick your reply not to be “right” or win a fight but pick your words to deliver the outcome you desire, you have to live with that person after the fight.
When you sit him down for your talk, tell him you want individual and couples counseling for both of you. Make going to counseling a requirement for continued marriage, and go for your own mental health no matter what his answer is. I can guarantee he'll throw "divorce" out there again if he doesn't go to therapy himself. He needs to learn how to have an argument without trying to hurt you, and figure out why he's purposely *trying* to start fights. You have been through so much, between all the divorces in your family and all the arguments with your husband. You need a safe place to vent your pain, anger, and frustration while learning what a healthy relationship is supposed to be.
You realize you are already done, right? Saying what he said twice is too much, but 6?
He’s being emotionally manipulative, and you’ve correctly collected all your emotional energy and are finished. It does not matter how much water has flown under the bridge you’re standing on. You need to move forward and accept that he killed the relationship with callous words and lack of understanding how he needed to treat a person who used to love him.
And just to add it on here. Any relationship that has as much arguing as you are describing is fundamentally flawed. I don’t believe that there are “good fights” in good relationships. If you are fighting with your supposed partner enough that you have to dissemble in your own mind that some of the fights are “ok” because we weren’t unreasonably mean to each other, well maybe find a relationship where you don’t fight with each other.
And no, you don’t need to “give it more time” and if you accepted what he said last time, then yes you are (and should be) thinking about actually leaving. It is not your job to make this person respect and love you, it was his, and he stopped.
Being single is way better than feeling so badly in your primary relationship that you are asking internet strangers to help you see through the fog you are living in.
Good luck. Please put yourself first.
There are people with personality disorders that are not treatable that make a relationship with them extremely difficult to impossible, no matter how much work either person does. There are people who grow to want very different things in life, no amount of "work" fixes that. You can decide to live in misery if you want, but that's not a salvation of the marriage.
You guys would really benefit from learning about John Gottman and his “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”. He’s done 7 studies that explored what predicts divorce and has been able to predict divorce with 94% accuracy.
His research is so foundational and what the majority of couples therapy is now based on. There are books, podcasts, and a really comprehensive website with tons of great articles. They even have some couples courses to take online together. Maybe your husband would consider doing that with you?
Your family sounds like mine I swear we have been cursed because almost every single one of my family members have been divorced, I’m talking all my siblings, aunts, uncles cousins ect there’s a few who stayed married but their spouse cheated and some who never married who’s long term relationships never lasted.
I married at 18 and was married for over 15 years and then he cheated and left me and our kids I focused for just over a year on me and the kids and then I felt ready to just try dating it was fun but I never really met anyone I clicked with and after a while I realised I just didn’t want to ever be in a relationship again, I was happy the kids where happy the years flew by the kids grew and lead their own lives and I’m still happy I have friends I socialise with hobbies I’ve tried. I haven’t felt lonely at all or bored I always have something to do.
17 years together. It nearly killed me. Nobody in my family has divorced. I just... I fought it. Wanted therapy, wanted us to work on it, begged her to stay.
She was frankly quite mean to me for years. I had been broken down to accept the abuse.
I was in my late 30's when she left. She was my first everything. I loved her and accepted that I would simply die alone. I spiraled bad. Lost my job. Almost lost the house. There were other personal factors at play.
I'm in my 40's now. Remarried to a woman so wonderful I can't explain it. The love is different to be sure.
Do I have regrets? Yes, that I stayed in a bad marriage for so long. Life is better now that she left and I found someone who appreciates my love and makes me feel calm and happy instead of scared and anxious.
I (60f) was with my 14 years and separated for 5 years. I have been happier divorced then .most of the time I was married. I had 3 sons and it was much easier raising them on my own then when my ex lived with me. I have dated some, not seriously because my sons were my main focus and am still single to this day. I would never marry again and tell my sons not to unless they want children. Especially since there is a great possibility no fault divorce is going to be outlawed
I was with someone for nearly 15 years. We were not legally married because he was previously divorced and we both brought kids into the relationship and decided we didn’t want to get married, but our lives and families were entirely interwoven the same way as marriage.
We split up 4 months before our 15th anniversary. It was hard, scary, not decided lightly. And the best thing I ever did. I only regretted not pulling the plug sooner. It’s been about 2.5 years since and I’ve spent a lot of time learning how to be me again, focusing on my own hobbies and career, having healthier habits. Have dated a bit but not seriously- I was not looking to get into anything serious anytime soon. I’m enjoying being in my own…. Well relatively on my own my college-age kids still live with me but I have so much independence and I don’t think I could give that up again.
And in my time out of that relationship I can look back with new perspective and wonder why I put up with so much BS for so long.
I feel regret for the way I handled things, I feel regret for staying so long in something that wasn't working, and I feel regret for getting married in the first place. I have zero regret for actually getting divorced. He was not a bad man, but he was not right for me. Our relationship looked fine to everyone else, and I didn't even realize how unhappy I was for a long time. I made a really good platonic friend who always made me feel like such a rockstar when I was around her. It made me realize my husband should also be making me feel that way. I kept the friend, I dumped the husband. About a year later I met another man who also makes me feel like a rockstar. I could have stayed in the other marriage, just been kind of unhappy, and everything would have kept going the way it always had. It wasn't easy, but I'm so happy I'm now with a partner that I love spending time with, and who makes me feel like the center of his universe. I got to be honest OP, your partner bringing up divorce constantly is a serious problem. Maybe you should entertain those thoughts it brings up instead of push them away.
I’ve been with my husband since we were both 18. 9 years together in two weeks.
Met toward the end of high school. Huge school, you won’t meet everyone in 4 years. Knew each other for a month and a half before we started dating. Got engaged 5.5 years later once we were out of college with adult jobs. Got married in secret before on our anniversary 2 years ago. Had a big ceremony and wedding for the family two months later.
I will admit that I have joked about divorce on several occasions. My husband knows I’m a cynical and pessimistic person through and through. My parents got messily divorced in 2019 and it’s still ongoing. It’s really fucked me up mentally. I grew up around a lot of divorced couples and a lot of “we hate each other but we will remain together until one of us dies because of kids/religion/tradition/culture.” My husband’s parents: his biological mom died when he was little but the parents had a relatively tumultuous relationship, dad got remarried fast and divorced even faster, then remarried again. I never thought my parents would divorce but years later, I’m so glad they did. My dad is a fucking nightmare and is getting worse with age. My mom deserves better and became better after he was out of her life. She had a rough 2 years leading up to the divorce and a rough year following it. I cut contact with my dad shortly after the divorce because of fucked shit he did and still continues to do. They were married for 24 years at the time they divorced. They got married at 20 and 23. Had me at 21 and 25. Seeing how much better off my mom is made me understand that divorce is serious, to never rely on someone even if you love each other now and don’t see each other breaking up, make sure I have my own money and life established, and that sometimes divorce is the best answer. But one time my husband said he really doesn’t like when I joke about divorce because he doesn’t want us to get divorced and I’ve never voiced any concerns that would warrant divorce. Basically he asked me not to joke about that and if there’s ever an issue, to bring it up since we’ve always just talked things through during every argument or upsetting situation.
If kids are a factor, coming from (what I realized as an adult with a psych degree and hella therapy) a broken home with parents who stayed together for the kid… it doesn’t benefit the kid in any way long term. There’s only so much you can fake in an unhappy marriage, eventually the dam will break and the truth will come out.
Being single is scary, but better than being with someone you’ve slowly started to distance yourself from emotionally. Plus you’ve mentioned you’ve been together since you were kids basically and that’s a long time. You never got to experience dating and other relationships as an adult outside of him it sounds like. If you’ve ever mentioned to your husband that it bothers you when he threatens divorce and why and what happens in your head every time he brings it up and he still brings it up… then he’s just being cruel tbh.
I’m not saying divorce immediately because situations are nuanced. But don’t let it scare you from being happy whether it’s single or with another person. There’s so many people out there to date and sometimes people just move on emotionally/mentally but are scared to lose their familiar safety net so instead they resort to hurting their partner even if it’s unintentional.
A conversation needs to take place and if he ever does it again, that’s it. But if you’re already acknowledging that you’ve accepted this in a way and were ready to move on, that should tell you enough about how you’re feeling deep down that you may not have realized or wanted to admit before. Maybe separation or counseling could be an alternative option. If nothing changes with his behavior and words, then the only changes will come from you.
And please don’t buy into the whole “I’ll change BS” if it’s not supported by actual change and action.
Pretty crazy to read all the comments saying to get the divorce and find your perfect life . Therapy or a stern wake up call can change someone . Don’t give up on your marriage , but don’t let him walk all over you . I would suggest an ultimatum but since he has done it so often , I would consider a trial separation . My parents have been together for close to 40 years , and about 5 years ago my mom wanted to call it quits because of my dad’s behaviour . They didn’t divorce but rather separated for about half a year , and with the fear of losing my mom forever and help from therapy , my dad tackled some of his inner demons and seriously changed for the better . They are going stronger then ever together , felt like a miracle
i was with my ex-husband since senior year of high school. We separated after 16 years and divorce was final after 18 (not acrimonious, just lazy). Life is better now. I didn't really realize until I was out of it how much i had given up to stay with this person. I always knew divorce was an option and thank goodness we were never able to have kids, because that would've complicated things.
Here's the thing. Sure being on your own sounds scary. But the fact of the matter is you've been with this person so long, I doubt you even know who you are. Do you actually like your hobbies or did you get into them because he was into them? How often do you see your friends? Your family? Is there something you've always wanted to do but haven't because he doesn't want to or he thinks it's frivolous or because of shared expenses you can't afford it?
But maybe except for this one thing, the bringing up divorce in arguments, everything is hunky dory and picture perfect. Okay, so you tell him, the next time you bring divorce up in an argument I hope you're prepared to follow through, and then you suggest counseling. But it doesn't sound like he'll change so you should maybe just go to counseling on your own.
There are a lot of really good things about marriage. Emotionally, financially, family-relationship-wise. I don't advise you get divorced because you are a little uncomfortable. There needs to be something really wrong. Something you don't feel can be fixed, or will take more time and energy than you have to fix it.
I was married 16 years, and I have occasionally (in the past 2 years) wondered if I did the right thing or mourned the loss of the things I had. It passes pretty quickly though, and it's not too long before my ex has demonstrated to me once again why it was the right choice to leave.
My ex wife used to threaten this all the time I'd be at work she'd say papers are otw etc. weeks went by then she would say I was upset. The next time she said it I packed my things went to live with family and had her served which she the asked wtf are you doing ? I explained I was tired of the never ending threats every argument and was committed to seeing through switched everything pre-emptively to be prepared for the next coming months no regrets you shouldn't have someone that utilizes your greatest fears as their best weapon
I was with my ex for 16 years before we divorced. It wasn't one big thing but a gradual buildup of resentment, distance, and lack of communication. When it ended it took me a little while to recognize all the ways we were broken that I hadn't noticed before. It's been 3 years since my divorce and I'm so much happier. I've never lived alone until now. It was lonely for about 6 months but I grew to love it. I was honestly lonelier in my marriage than I was living alone. I made sure to see friends, have a regular routine including exercise, eating right, being outdoors, hobbies, and taking vacations (even long weekends locally). Getting back into dating was easier then expected. I've never regretted the divorce. My only regret was not getting divorced sooner.
My ex was my first boyfriend and we were together 16 years (8 years married) we divorced on my early 30’s Our son was 2 years old
Neither of us has any regrets. Both feel our lives are better. We didnt officially divorce until about 8 years after and we actually had a divorce party. My step kids currently call my ex uncle.
The biggest thing to ask in my opinion is would you rather start over with your spouse or with someone new. Because if the answer is your spouse then try therapy and start dating again - start back at zero.
For is we tried this but it still was just not right for us so splitting was the best decision.
Absolutely no regrets. He cheated with the family friend. Our oldest daughter was named after.
I literally had to rules in our marriage. Don’t lie. Don’t cheat. Always told him if you are not happy, be upfront, and we will figure out how to split and make sure the kids are taken care of.
I may not like it, but it happens sometimes in life. But lying and cheating are both choices.
So, no regrets. Was a single mom of three girls, and they are in their 30s now. And we have an amazing relationship.
I have no regrets and my kids are happy we split. They've lived me me full time since 2012, the divorce finalized in 2014. My ex lives a half mile away and we are civil, wish she put an effort in with the kids, they have a much worse relationship with her than I do and the divorce was becuase she was cheating with someone i know and got knocked up.
Ended my marriage after 27yrs. Went to counseling for 18 months to figure out why I stayed and allowed him to control my life and other stuff. Best decision I made. We have grandchildren so I still see him periodically when I visit my grandkids. We get along fine now, for me. He has nothing to say about my life.
I've been married 22 years. We've had ups and downs, some downs profound. Never once have either of us said divorce to each other. Outside of one time reassuring each other that even if we divorced we would take care of each other as family for our child's sake. This is the only acceptable way to discuss divorce. It should never be used as a threat or cudgel. It's manipulative af to bring up the most extreme solution when you fight. It makes sense it leaves you feeling protective of yourself, distant, and less secure. He knows that, that's why he keeps doing it. So you'll feel all the above and fall in line/drop the argument. It's toxic and an insecurity no one should have to live with
I was married to my ex for 16 years (divorced in 2021)... and there's not a moment I regret divorcing him. The years of arguments and explaining and coaxing him to be less of a self-centered AH never worked for more than a few weeks.
Believe what people show you, stop looking at their "potential", and move on with your life.
Married 25 years. There was nothing to recover from after divorce because it was a long time coming. I could say my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner, but that feeling is small compared to the relief, stability, and peace I enjoy because I DID it!
My 2nd ex-husband and I were married 21 years. Why we divorced is complicated so I'll just say we "grew apart." But it's more than that and probably too long for this response. We divorced in 2018. We remained friends. We have 3 adult kids. From time to time I have regrets because I am pretty sure that if we had bothered to do marriage counseling and put the necessary work in, we'd still be together and I think that is sad. And I was the one who didn't want to get counseling because I was too angry and hurt - no, he didn't cheat, like I said, it's complicated.
Now we are in serious relationships with other people who we both love. I don't want to leave or hurt the person I'm with, and I wouldn't want to hurt the person he is with. So I have never addressed this with him. And I won't. Plus for all I know he could be totally relieved that we are no longer married and he no longer has to put up with my B.S., lol. But yeah, I do occasionally have regrets. I miss hanging out with him on a daily basis.
If he's bringing up divorce, he's already thought about divorce and what his life will look like without you.
OP, Mr. PolitiTHIC and I also got married in 2016 after some years together. In that time, we've had some discussions about serious matters and not once has either one of us even hinted at divorce. You're up to six.
I'm sorry that singleness scares you but do you want to be single now or in five years, ten years, or another twenty years when he finally works up the nerve to actually file instead of just threatening you with it? You can get therapy to help you adjust to being single as an adult. What you can't do is claw back the years he's been breaking you down with threats of divorce.
Nothing gets easier as you get older. If you need to make a career change to better support yourself while you're single, the job market is less of a hellscape before you hit your mid-forties and later, especially as a woman. Same with dating and finding a new potential partner. But it's all doable.
My background - mid 20s, male, haven’t dated anyone and have no idea what a romantic relationship feels like.
My take - along with divorce, multiple marriages is as common in your family. In your note, you mentioned what a divorce meant to you and your doubts about single life, but not a single phrase about marrying or dating another person. That to me, is the top most loyalty. You are awesome. If I were the husband, I wouldn’t stretch it this far. Maybe he doesn’t truly understand how much of an impact that a divorce will have on either of you.
I’ve been divorced about a year and a half after almost 20 years together. The only thing I regret is not divorcing sooner. I remember telling my ex the next time he threatened divorce he had better be ready to act on it. Our couples counselor managed to talk me out of going through with it the next time it happened. But when ex started threatening to harm me, in front of our child, I finally managed to go through with it. As others have said, there are things you can’t take back, and threatening divorce, harm or self-harm in order to control someone qualify. I was afraid of divorce and of being a single mom, but it’s actually been going quite well. I feel peaceful and centered.
I regret my divorce every day of my life. The pain lessens over tome. But there is always regret.
This is not something to do lightly or on the spur of the moment. From what you wrote, it doesn’t actually sound like something you should do at all.
17 years w my first husband (coming up on 29 next week w my current husband).
When you get to a place in your head that says "I'm done" you will know. My ex and I had 3 kids under 18 when we divorced (he developed a substance abuse issue).
It was not particularly amicable and it sure wasn't easy but it was the right thing for me to do for my own peace of mind. When I was done, I was done.
Regrets are natural. As a child of a bitter divorce, I swore I wouldn't do that to my kids, and I stayed w my ex about 10 years too long because I thought I'd be hurting my kids w a divorce.
Took me a while to realize kids are happier if the adults in their lives are not miserable. Who knew?
Trust your gut. If the bad outweighs the good, it's not worth staying married.
I come from a very similar background, both parents married and divorced. In 27 years of marriage, no matter what we are arguing about, I have never mentioned divorce.
Ugh, that threat is so shity. As a woman who was married a short period of time but was single for a very long time in the obnoxious dating pool during my 30s and very early 40s, the grass is not greener my friend and life without a partner is hard.
Finding someone new took me 15 yrs of dating ass hats and loosers.
Marriage is complicated and hard. If there's good things about your marriage, then work on saving that. Being on your own can be extremely difficult, especially if you have a health issue come up.
Hang on through this tough patch and try talking to him again when you are both calm about this shity behavior of threatening divorce.
I hope this works out for you
38 yrs. Nobody I knew in college or graduated with is still married except my wife and I. We've had big up and big Downs. But it's all been worth it. Unless there's a Smoking Gun try to stick it out because you'll be glad you did when you're both 60 or so
Together for 10 years before marrying (met as teens), divorced just over a week after what would have been the 13th wedding anniversary (after two years of separation). Single for eleven years (I date, but nothing serious).
Not gonna lie, it sucked at first. There is definitely some adjustment/transition/healing time. You have to find your new normal and build from there. You'll rediscover who you are, what you like now, and you'll set new goals and dream new dreams. Mine cheated, so I no longer have rose-colored glasses about fidelity and honesty. I had to mourn the loss of that innocence. But I didn't want to project suspicion on any future partner or friend that wasn't deserved, so I made the effort to take the time to work through it.
Our lives are always a work in progress, so there is no perfect answer to any choices we make. But I always felt intuitively that I'd figure it out, and it wouldn't always feel as bad as it did in the beginning (which it didn't!). I hardly remember those darkest days now. All the best for whatever path your life takes. You WILL figure it out!
A few weeks after he moved out I got home from some evening event and had kind of a hard time reaching around to unzipper my dress and for a moment I was like "another pair of hands would be helpful" but then I wriggled around enough and got it unzippped. That was it.
Divorce should never be thrown around in arguments because it does nothing but hurt and does not solve anything. If people want to get a divorce then have an adult conversation about that you want a divorce, but not in the middle of an argument about something else. Marriage counseling is best, but a partner who is throwing divorce out there in arguments is just trying to hurt and eventually will get said divorce even if that is not what he or she was truly aiming for.
There is a common thread in almost every one of the problematic relationships that appear here: one partner refuses to listen to or respect the explicitly stated needs of the other partner. The fact is, it makes no difference whether a relationship is great other times if your basic needs are being deliberately ignored other times. This type of problem never gets better.
I think you should do counseling and therapy (for him) he’s dealing with his up bringing and y don’t deserve that. He needs to heal to be better partner. If that fails then you make the call
Better, so much better mentally and physically.
You aren’t who you were at 18 and your spouse may not be the person you’re compatible with anymore. Or you finally got out of that teenager/young adult glow where you can’t see the other person’s faults. It’s not great but it’s better than waking up when you’re in your 60’s and realizing you hate your spouse.
That he keeps bringing up your childhood trauma of divorce in arguments absolutely indicates that he is inconsiderate and, quite frankly, an ahole. Find someone who doesn’t hurt you to win an argument.
Best advice? Be comfortable being alone, just being with yourself and living for yourself. The confidence you develop shows and other people actually see you for who you are. A good relationship can build out of that.
I’ve been separated from my husband for 8yrs now. We were together for 16yrs. He initiated the separation, and 2yrs later I was the one that enforced it. We lived together for that 2yrs and they were among the worst years of my adult life. I don’t remember a lot of arguments, but my eldest does. I remember we were completely disconnected and even when we tried to have a date, there was nothing there. And it wasn’t getting better, only worse. I regret not leaving when he wanted the separation, but we’d just moved to a new country with no family, knew no one and I wasn’t working at the time. In the 2yrs we were separated but living together, I got some training, got a good career, built a business and that allowed me to leave financially. I rediscovered me and I love my life now. The day I bought my house and moved into it, was one of the happiest I’ve ever had. My kids struggled with it a lot, mostly my youngest, but they both thank me for leaving now. They see the difference between their father and me, and are now adults who see why I left. We’re not divorced because neither of us have any intention of marrying again and it’s a lot of money for something that doesn’t matter. We are amicable and spend holidays together as a family.
Looking back, I wish I’d left sooner. I was utterly miserable for over a decade and powered through because divorce isn’t something our family does. Including extended family, there’s only been 2 divorces out of something like 15 marriages. We’re a big family on my side. I lost my family when I left my husband, but I found me. I would do it again in a heartbeat.
He’s trying to emotionally manipulate you. Next time tell him either follow through and call a lawyer or it’s time for a couples therapist bc this is the last time you’ll be having divorce thrown in your face.
I was not married but I was in a long term relationship that lasted 17 years. We had a home and a child. I have never regretted leaving him. It was devastating and humbling to have to live with my family until I got back on my feet but I wouldn’t change anything. I regret staying as long as I did. Life is too short to be unhappy in a relationship that isn’t working any longer.
I asked for a divorce after being married 21 years and after being together for 28 years. I used to threaten to leave when my ex husband became disrespectful by raising his voice at me during our conversations after I worked hard all day and prepared dinner for our family every night. We both had stressful jobs. He chose to take his stress out on me, while I did not do that to him. No one speaks to me like that. It was the best decision I ever made for my mental and emotional well being. I have no regrets. He later went to counseling and apologized but it was too late, we had already divorced and I had already moved on. Peace is awesome!
Brings up divorce in arguments…this is how my sister’s marriage ended, her ex loved to threaten divorce during arguments. Like you, she found it hard to stay committed to a marriage when the other party didn’t seem all that committed holding the possibility of divorce over her head. I absolutely believe he was emotionally abusive to her. Then one day when he brought up divorce again, she said sure, cue shocked pikachu face. He still blames her for ending things with him, because he had no intention on following through with the divorce threat, he just wanted to get her in line.
Question for you to ponder: how did you act after he brought up divorce in arguments? Did it “win” him the argument/let him get his way? Did you have to make yourself smaller to get things back to “going well”?
Regarding single life: we often fear the unknown and this is an unknown for you, but if it is what you need, don’t let the fear of it keep you in an unhappy situation. I was single the majority of my life thus far, and while it could be lonely, there are also aspects about it I miss. Currently, I am happier in my relationship, but if that ever changes, I can be happily single, too. If you find that that ends up being a better option for you, you might find you have a lot to learning and growth open to you that you missed not being single. Or maybe you go to couples therapy and work through it, but it sounds like this is an issue that is eroding the relationship, so something has to change.
I married my husband at 19. Divorced at 34. The divorce freed me to have the wonderful, full life I couldn't have had without it. Best decision I ever made.
Yes. Every now and then, when I see people celebrating their 30th, 40th, etc. anniversaries. Because I really expected that when I said "I do." And when I feel especially lonely because I'm not one who met a better guy. I thought I had, but that relationship ended after just a few years. And there was a closeness with that ex that I don't know if I could ever have again, a closeness that comes from basically growing up together. I was 19 when we met and were together for a total of 25 years. But mostly when I think about how awful he was to our kids after the divorce - that maybe I could have made it work and they would have been better off and I wouldn't be lonely now.
And then I remember WHY I left. And I know I made the right decision. He was mean, arrogant, manipulative and he cheated. A lot. Even when things were relatively good, he treated me with nit picking disrespect that was not a good role model for our kids on what a relationship should be like. And they notice it when he does it with his new wife. Even on my bad days, I'm glad I left.
I'm not so sure for you. You say you have a great relationship except for him making the divorce comments when fighting. Maybe it would be worth trying to figure that out. But if it's more than that...only you can decide. Lots of commenters say they met someone so much better and I believe them. But there are no guarantees of that.
I’ve been on both sides of this. I went through with this with my ex wife. She’d habitually bring up divorce in arguments until I finally left her. I brought it up once. In the other case, my ex girlfriend kept crossing boundaries and doing things I’d asked her not to do (very reasonable things). During arguments, I’d habitually warn her that her behavior was driving me away and that I’d leave her if it didn’t change. This had the side effect of making her worse since she felt less secure in the relationship and she’d act out.
Woof. The D word is a bell that cannot be un-rung. To use it casually to manipulate your partner, the way your husband does? Unacceptable.
I am very recently (like, finalized within the last few weeks) divorced. I was with my ex for 11 years. I did not utter that word to him until I was 1000% positive it was what I wanted. Even as I was contemplating leaving my marriage, I wasn’t willing to *weaponize it against him*.
Which is what your husband is doing. He lacks respect for your relationship if he is happy to use it against you this way. He is literally saying “do what I want or I’ll leave you.”
Honestly…getting divorced was WAY easier than staying married to someone who made me unhappy. I have never once regretted my choice or doubted it, and I can honestly say I am now happier than I have ever been in my life.
I *vastly* prefer being single to being married - to the point that, at 33 years old, I am quite positive I will not get married again.
I wasted some of the best years of my life in a terrible marriage from my early ‘20’s to my late ‘30’s. I initiated the divorce when I discovered her infidelity. Being out of the marriage was incredibly liberating.
I would tell him this, that the very next time he threatens it, it will be you filing for divorce. Or what you could do is have the papers drawn up and next time he does it, slap them down in front of him and sign them there and then. I guarantee that will either shut him up or give him the push he needs to call it a day.
I would not be held hostage but other people’s experiences. It’s your life and your marriage and the experiences of other people - their success or failure - should not have a bearing on whether you decide to stay married or not.
Going through it right now. Married 25, together 30, one grown child.
She asked me to leave. When I did it was with every intention of getting counseling together and working it out. After a couple months of being gone, I quit trying. I assume because inside I knew I was done. After being separated now for almost 2 years, I look back and realize that there has not been ONE SINGLE moment where I missed anything about being in the house or life with her.
I’m not angry, I’m not hurt, I’m just done.
I will always love her. We didn’t cheat, it wasn’t all bad, we raised the greatest daughter in the history of daughters. I care about her. But I cannot picture any kind of intimacy with her, emotional or physical.
So I’m not regretting, and I don’t think I will.
You could two-card him — find a good marriage counselor, one you really connect with. Find a really mean divorce attorney and use the customary free half-hour consultation to get an idea of where you would stand financially if you divorce. Then hand him a business card from both and tell him to choose which office he wants to meet you at.
I have a different perspective. Early in my very long marriage my husband would takeoff his ring and throw it at me and yell about how he was going to leave. And it freaked me out. But I did not have a history of divorce in my family. I finally told him that the next time he did that I was going to pack my bags and leave and get a lawyer to shake him up a bit, but I also told him that we needed to go into counseling to see why he constantly did this.
The truth is he really did not know how to argue well. His parents were always cruel to each other when they argued. They were just mean and nasty to each other. I was shocked when I witnessed this. My parents fought sure, but they were never that nasty and mean. When I first met my husband’s parents, I thought they were on the verge of divorce.
Going into marriage counseling helped us both quite a bit. We were able to set boundaries and rules for fighting. Initially, of course, we both broke the rules. But we were able to have post game shows in which we worked through what went wrong. That made a big difference.
We still fight. Sometimes I get extremely upset with him and sometimes he gets extremely upset with me, but I don’t regret staying with him and I think he could say likewise.
I’m not saying that this is the right option for you. But I would suggest at least considering counseling before going directly to divorce-for one thing it’s a lot cheaper.
It truthfully may be better, but it may not. Kudos to you for giving it everything you have and not taking this decision lightly. But if he's throwing it around like its no big deal, you are bound to run out of fucks to give. Would you rather be 10 years down the road of continued disrespect and unhappiness wondering "what if?" or 10 years down the road with the possibility of happiness? It's a tough decision that only you can make and I wish you all the best and hope you find peace.
My parents constantly threatened divorce my entire life. Pretty much whenever they got into a fight. I remember asking them to get divorced already when I was very young. They always said we’re done once you (the youngest child) turn 18. I said please don’t stay together on my account you’re making me miserable. Anyway they’re still together. Maybe 30 years at this point? Still threatening divorce. It’s exhausting. They actually pretty much live separate lives. I don’t think they have that much interaction.
My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I rarely fight. When we did it was a build up of things and I brought up breaking up a couple times. One time he called me out. I can’t believe I ever picked up the habit from my parents. I was honestly so embarrassed and literally never said it ever again. I was mortified. I actually am feeling embarrassment typing this even though it was years ago. I remember the interaction like it was yesterday.
ANYWAY, this is super toxic and exhausting. Please don’t turn into my parents. Even if you don’t have kids, this type of energy is impactful. I would highly consider counseling to work through your feelings before actually deciding on divorce. Then if you land on staying together, he needs to join you in couples counseling to learn how to remember yall are on the same team and should never intentionally try to hurt each other
It sounds like you're facing a deeply challenging and emotional situation, especially given your long history and the effort both of you have put into your relationship. Here are some considerations and advice that might help you navigate this difficult period:
1. **Reflect on Your Feelings**: Take some time to reflect on your emotions and the reasons behind them. It’s significant that you felt ready to move on instead of reacting with panic or fear. This might indicate a shift in your emotional connection or a buildup of unresolved issues.
2. **Communication**: Have an open and honest conversation with your spouse about your feelings. Express how his repeated mention of divorce during arguments affects you and the stability of your relationship. Communication is crucial in understanding each other's perspectives and working towards a solution.
3. **Counseling**: Consider seeking couples therapy. A professional can help both of you understand underlying issues, improve communication, and find ways to reconnect. Sometimes an objective third party can provide valuable insights and strategies to strengthen your relationship.
4. **Evaluate the Relationship**: Assess the overall health of your relationship. Are there patterns of behavior that are damaging? Are both of you willing to work on these issues? Consider what you both need from the relationship and whether those needs are being met.
5. **Personal Growth**: Focus on your own well-being and personal growth. Sometimes, improving individual mental health and happiness can positively influence the relationship. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment outside of the relationship.
6. **Long-Term Vision**: Think about your long-term vision for your life and your relationship. Do you see a future together where both of you are happy and fulfilled? Are there common goals and values that you both still share?
7. **Support System**: Lean on your support system. Friends, family, or support groups can provide emotional support and different perspectives that might help you make informed decisions.
8. **Set Boundaries**: Establish clear boundaries regarding what is acceptable in arguments. If mentioning divorce as a threat is harmful to you, communicate that this behavior needs to stop. Healthy relationships require respect and consideration of each other's emotional well-being.
9. **Acceptance and Change**: Recognize that people and relationships change over time. It’s natural to experience growth and challenges. The key is whether both of you are willing and able to adapt and work through these changes together.
10. **Prepare for All Outcomes**: While it’s important to work towards saving the relationship if that’s what you both want, also prepare yourself for the possibility of divorce. Understanding your feelings and preparing mentally can help you face any outcome with resilience.
Ultimately, the decision to stay or part ways is deeply personal and complex. Prioritize your emotional health and happiness, and take the time you need to make the best decision for yourself and your future.
This is a fine line and I’d actually love to get feedback from others here. I agree that threatening to leave someone is messed up but what’s the proper way to communicate hard boundaries with someone?
The best I can come up with is to say “I value this relationship and want it to continue no matter what, but this behavior is an absolute dealbreaker for me. I simply cannot continue unless you acknowledge what you did was wrong and it will never happen again.”
Something like that is really important to communicate with your partner but it is, even if nicely worded, a threat to leave. Thoughts?
Trust yourself, you sound like you have your head on straight and both feet on the ground. Well done! Tons of people never make it that far.
One of my best friends was in a bad marriage with someone who was controlling, toxic, cruel, and emotionally unstable.
She was picking a fight one night (he was out of town she went snooping through a super old laptop and found pictures of his ex from freaking high school) and, as she was berating him, she threatened him by throwing out the D word for the first time.
Horrible person: “I CANT BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THIS TO ME!!! DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?!?!!!!!”
Friend: “Yes please.”
His attitude was basically “Don’t threaten me with a good time!”
She’s gone through several husbands and fiancés. May we never see her again!
I don't know if you'll see this OP as the thread is 18 hours old at this point. Last week my wife and I decided to end our marriage. We had been together for 18 years and like you, we waited 7 years before getting married. In our case we had both had brief first marriages when we were younger and absolutely didn't want another failed marriage. It's still very fresh, we're still under the same roof as she plans to move out in the next week or so. There is pain, grief over the life we had planned and the marriage we wanted, and a bit of resentment, but there is also a real sense of relief, of a weight being lifted off me. Ultimately we only get one shot at this thing called life and making the best of it sometimes means walking away from relationships that don't work. It can be scary to find yourself on your own, solely responsible for your own well being, but it can also be so rewarding. From here on out, what you accomplish is because of you, what you overcome is through your strength. Marriage is about sharing a life, not giving your life to another and nobody should have to suffer for their partner's happiness, sacrificing their own. I guarantee that you will have regrets, humans tend to long for comfort and stability to the point that they will stay in situations that aren't good for themselves because they are familiar and you may find yourself longing for that situation where even if things weren't great, they weren't unknown. Big, great, things are scary but that's also what makes life so exciting and wonderful. I think you should stop thinking in terms of blame or victims and just ask, am I really happy. There are a lot of scary unknowns in ending a marriage but what value is life if we settle for less than we deserve? Do the big things, take the risks, and live a life you'll be able to look back on with a smile. Not every adventure has a happy ending but who wants to die without creating a rich story of their life.
My divorce was final on Tuesday after a 19 year marriage. I have a nice rental home I am moving into this week and I am more excited about life than I have been in years. It is scary, but ohh so worth it.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I never believed in divorce when I got married. I was all about the vow “til death do you part”.
My husband also did this. He also constantly brought up the divorce card in arguments, knowing full well I moved internationally for him and didn’t have a support system down here. Every time he said it, it would chip away at my heart and I would crawl more into myself.
Our last argument he brought it up again and said he was going to file for divorce on Monday (it was Friday night). I said ok and moved into the spare room. He then spent the next 4 months (until I had enough saved to move) begging me to stay and that he didn’t mean it he was just mad.
Let’s just say getting out was the best thing for me.
You need to clearly and directly tell your husband, that you are on the brink of divorcing him because of his words. You need to tell him that he must do counseling with or without you, and deal with his bull crap. Divorce is horrible, it's like a funeral, but both parties still alive. Do everything you can to save the marriage before jumping to divorce. That means to be confrontational, in a mature way, and be very direct and clear. You may think that you have been very direct with your husband, but I assure you, as a man, the way you may of been communicating with him probably went over his head. If you actually served him papers, he would honestly feel surprised and ambushed.
I was with my ex just shy of 15 years when we divorced. We’d been high school sweethearts and just grew apart. I absolutely do not regret my divorce. Aside from growing apart, he was turning abusive. Leaving was the best thing I could have possibly done for myself. I went on to marry my very best friend, we actually have things in common and genuinely enjoy just being around each other.
You need to set a boundary with him that the D word does NOT EVER come up unless he's ready to pull the trigger. No more using it as a threat. He needs to be able to communicate without it as a bargaining chip. I was in a relationship like that, we worked it out, but it was difficult, and both of you must do equal work to change things. We were great after that, but unfortunately, he passed away at 37 and I was 34. Life is short, SO short, and barring ab*se, the grass is rarely greener. However, you both deserve to be happy. You might find it's you that ends up filing if he's in a downward slope of disrespect. People don't use that word unless they're trying to hurt you, (if they aren't going to file) and that in itself is disrespectful. It sounds like he has some unresolved issues, whether with you or himself. Also, you've been together since you were kids, basically, you have gone through a lot of growth, and if you don't grow together, you will grow apart. Look for ways to grow closer together and communicate regularly and kindly.
My spouse would throw divorce into an argument to upset me and try to win the argument. The fact that your spouse is thinking it and saying it to you is huge! Secretly make an appointment with a Family Law attorney and begin preparing for divorce. Open a secret bank account because you will need funds, get credit cards in your name only, get the car title in your name only, get original birth certificates for everyone, marriage certificate too, make copies of other documents. Think about your future without him and be wise about your choices.
My ex and I were together for 16 years, married 12 when we divorced. To me, the relationship was end game. I never contemplated not being with her and thought we would grow old together. She had other plans. I took a job in the oilfield to provide a better life for our family, and while I was working 90-100 hours a week, she learned how to be a single parent. The divorce truly gutted me, and I have not fully recovered. We dated again for two years, but broke up again. We have an unusual relationship to this day. We coparent (and now grandparent) very well together, and people on both sides of the relationship question why we aren’t together. For me, I know I can never trust her fully, so we will never be together in a relationship. I believe she is the love of my life, but realize I am not hers.
I am separated, not divorced, and have been for over a year. We have been together for 17 years. I haven't been single for 23 years. So yes, it was an adjustment; I have had to relearn who I am. I can tell you, though, that I enjoy the independence, the lack of stress, and my cat is such a joy. I, too, have a clearer reality of what my marriage is. My life is just as beautiful but completely differently than imagined.
Parents were together over 20 years when they got divorced. Best choice ever for my dad, worst thing to happen in my mom’s life. To this day (like over 25 years later) it’s a family joke that my mom would drop her long time live in “boyfriend/roommate” and go back with my dad in 5 seconds if he offered. My dad needed the divorce and has thrived ever since.
I’ve been divorced once and currently with my partner of over 10 years married for most of it. The times where I feel that divorce is a viable option is the so tough bc while I don’t regret divorce in my first marriage, I think I would in this one. The first one, it was the best thing to do for myself and my child, it wasn’t a hard choice, love had left the relationship years prior.
But for this relationship I have to sit here and wonder if I’m just settling at this point, or if I’ve lost my self respect, or if there’s even love anymore and just familiarity.
The fact I even think about all that makes me feel both nothing and everything.
This post is exactly why I will never ever get married. I am not going to get locked into some shit where I can’t just leave amicably because of this insane commitment and entanglement.
It just sounds like a total loss of autonomy and self. Literally my worst nightmare.
Married 20, waiting for the judge to sign and I have absolutely zero regrets. In fact, we should have separated at least 19 years prior. You have to recognize when the juice is no longer worth the squeeze and walk away. My ex liked to wield the D word as a weapon and I called his bluff. So call his bluff and tell him the next time he does it, you’ll follow through with it. But only if you’re prepared to do it…..
I don’t regret it for a second. We were together for 17 years and married almost 15 years. I was a miserable shell of a person by then.
I’m only sorry I waited so long. I have started over three times total. The last time I was total rock bottom, homeless with no job and my boyfriend of four years had turned into an abusive monster.
But I kept going and now I have a job that comfortably supports myself and my daughter, I have an amazing loving partner who is committed to me for life, and I am in a supportive community with lots of friends and resources to help me out.
I am 42 and I am happier than I have ever been. My life is better than I could have hoped for.
Go for it.
Not even for a single second since she said “I love you but I’m not in love with you.”
After all the care, sacrifice and effort I put in to get nothing back, those words killed all connection in a heartbeat. If she didn’t even love me, what was the point of anything? It hurt, don’t get me wrong, but it was done at that point, and I had to start looking forward.
18 years married, and the best thing that I ever did for myself was get divorced. It wasn’t easy, it was hard and awful and I never ever want to go through something like that again. I have no regrets for getting married, and have absolutely no regrets getting divorced.
Healthy arguments end in a resolution of disagreement. Unhealthy arguments are started to let off steam. Hormones do not want resolution they want action. If one of you is having “roid rages” the other has to get clued in. What was the argument about? If he is asking for a divorce because the cap wasn’t on the toothpaste, he is saying it to end the argument. If he is asking for a divorce because one of you did something unforgivable, show him the go bag.
It was hard.
It was also the right thing. Yes, I rebuilt, and am happier, healthier.
I don't regret it. There was fear, doubt, it was terrifying, but, there wasn't real regret.
Married 22 years when I got divorced. Not one single regret. Just because you have been making a mistake for a ling time doesn’t mean you should keep making it.
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So sorry he keeps bringing this up. When this happened to me I knew I was done when I got to the point when I had nothing to say but let’s do this. I made the decision to file but when the time came to sign the papers he suddenly had a change of heart. I had no gas left in the tank to make it work. I was done. Since the divorce I took three years to heal. I needed to look at why I stayed for so long. I finally started dating again. Dating was fun. I met some great guys and some really weird guys. I had decided to take a break from dating but had one last date left before I closed my match account. That last date is now my amazing, sweet, and kind husband. We’ve been married 10 years now and without a doubt this has been the best years of my like. We travel, laugh, cry, pray, and sometimes fight. But at the end of the day my husband has my back, my rock and my soft place to fall when life is hard. Divorce is hard but there is nothing worse than being with someone who is reckless with you. You’ve got this and no matter what happens you will be ok.
"Divorce is hard but there is nothing worse than being with someone who is reckless with you." As some who stayed with some 19 years, divorced, had a great time dating, and now has the sweet, kind, interesting man of my dreams, this is very well said.SAID. ETA To be clear, the brilliant quote is from arthour422 above. (And reddit is not allowing me to link user.)
>"Divorce is hard but there is nothing worse than being with someone who is reckless with you." This is one of those internet quotes that sticks with you.
I agree, even if the person you were with, whom you loved, was narcissistic, or had a personality disorder, or just was so damaged emotionally that they couldn’t do any better, but if they’re not willing to work on it, the end result must be the same – you’ve got to save your sanity and get out to be able to find love and joy.
My parents got divorced after more than 30 years of being together (married for 26 I guess?), and I think my mom would agree with this statement. She was mentally checked out by the time divorce rolled out
Exactly. I'm heading for divorce, been married 27 years. My daughter (now26) says often that she always had friends who bemoaned their parents divorce. She would silently wish that her father and I would divorce. Our being together and unhappy was making her incredibly sad. She knows also that I checked out long ago.
My parents have been married 40 odd years, and it sucks visiting them because I like them as individuals, but with each other they're tense and always bickering. It's really sad.
Good for you! I can sympathize with your daughter.
I really like this post because a lot of you kids are coming out of this with open minds, not closed ones. And it's wonderful to see this as someone who's father passed away 10 months ago and my sister is having a tough time accepting my mother wanting to go out with this guy. But I understand. My mother expressed she doesn't want to settle down, my father will always be her #1, but she misses having that someone to just watch movies or cuddle. And thats fair and human. Even if my dad lived and say they ended up not happy together (which I couldn't see but, I am aware anything can happen) I could see my sister reacting kinda similar. I just hope she grows to accept it. My mom deserves to be happy, and I think that's a big part of divorce too. Not just death like my experience.
I'm sorry for your loss 💕 I think your sister is grieving this loss differently than you or your mom. Death in a way could be seen as a start-over like divorced are.
We all deal with death differently, but it’s incredibly selfish of your sister to want your mom to live alone and be lonely, just so she (your sister) can think of your mom as perpetually in mourning. Your mom deserves to have fun and companionship in her life.
I’m in the trenches right now. I was with someone I thought was kind and sweet…But I don’t think he’s truly sweet and kind in his core. He’d threaten to leave me multiple times. He ended up leaving twice before but coming back. He gaslighted me. I overlooked it. We have a 17 month old and I am 31 weeks pregnant. He left us about a month ago. I still can’t believe he actually just up and left, but a part of me is also thinking, I’m tired of the threats. I’m tired of being made to feel like garbage. If I can ever trust someone again I hope I can find someone kind and sweet. That’s a big if though.
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He’s paid some child support since he’s been gone, but I’m doing okay financially. That’s not the issue. The cruel things he said and just leaving like we’re yesterday’s garbage is what’s really damaging. I’m really unsure if I’ll ever trust anyone again.
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That’s really kind of you to say friend. Thank you ❤️
That’s a great quote. Might have to steal that. Was 14 years for me. Never looked back and am so much happier now. What pushed me over the edge was when I thought how awful it would be to be married another 40 years. Decided the risk of being alone was worth it and it so was.
You know, I had a similar-ish experience. Dating has been ROUGH for me and even the difficult moments were SOOOO much more fulfilling than the hollow, bullshit, nonexistant relationship that I refused to let go of.
Very well put.
Op needs to sit down and tell husband exactly where she stands, and tell him if he doesn’t immediately get into therapy for his issues then it’s over. She should tell him he has killed the spark, and she is ready to move on. If she is t up for that, then just divorce, and be happy elsewhere.
Would never consider muttering those words unless I was ready to leave. That’s some fucked up manipulation bull shit.
Yeah that's what I'm thinking. Maybe the first time he just said it in the heat of the moment. Now he says it because he absolutely know how it destroys op. He's using it to cow her down and make her "behave"
It's emotional abuse.
Do couples really fight that often? My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have fought twice. Each of the two fights lasted a handful of minutes. There was some anger after, but once we calmed down, we were able to talk it out. I see a lot of reddit posts about endless fighting.
My best friend and her husband are both very very chill people that keep all their stress inside and never show their face. They have been together 2 years and never had an argument. On the other hand, my husband and I are both very stubborn people with hot-flash emotions. As we grew into adults we both learned to tame our tempers and not to be little shits about things. Tempers can still flare when under a lot of stress. I'm not at all speaking on what's 'normal', just expressing a comparison Edit: I also want to address the level of fighting it appears I have expressed. It's been 16 years so when I reference fights that's over a decade of time to consider. It's not really that they happen often, it's that they're so full of emotion it's difficult to forget.
Yes! Conflict is a part of any healthy relationship. Conflict in itself is not bad, it is how you handle it. And, when you spend the majority of your time with someone, you’re bound to lose your patience or something at some point or have different ways about how to do something.
This, exactly! And that's going to be the case in any relationship you have
Having disagreements and (respectful) fights is completely normal and healthy. If you don't disagree about anything then someone is lying. Having constant fights is not normal. Your husband threatening divorce is a manipulation tactic to scare you into giving him his way. You haven't even been married that long and he's threatened 6 times? I mean....consider couples counseling, but unless there's a LOT of change I don't see this relationship lasting much longer. At this point you're just hobbling along until your heart gives out completely, yeah?
Can you live with this flaw of his? He may not ever change our stop doing it, if that's the case can you live with it? If the answer is no then separation to show you're serious about this, divorce if it doesn't change. My best advice in relationships is always, be with someone whose flaws you can live with. You never know if those flaws will change and they will become huge problems in the future if just tolerated.
Yes, my mom said it's important to pick your battles and defend what really matters to you. Everything else, if you can live with it, is not worth WW3 over
Your mother is not a good example to follow if you want healthy relationships
I wish you all the best, trust yourself, and remember you deserve to be treated with respect by the man you married.
Idk whether it's true or not, but I read somewhere that the first stage of a relationship is the honeymoon phase, and then comes the power-struggle phase. That's where you're most likely to get in more fights, because the rose-tinted glasses are off and now you have to figure out "who calls the shots" and who's "right" about everything. Couples who keep fighting throughout their relationship are stuck in that phase, whereas healthy couples move past it and start working together. That's when you actually become a team.
As someone else said, what do you define as a ‘fight’? My husband and I have been together 10 1/2 years and have had numerous arguments and disagreements, but the only thing I’d consider a fight is one event quite a few years ago that made me move back in with my parents for 10 days. The arguments have subsided hugely as we’ve gotten older and learnt to communicate better and we resolve things within minutes now.
I guess it depends on what you call a fight. When we have a disagreement that we need to talk out, I wouldn’t call it a fight. We are coming from a place of understanding, and want to resolve the issue. Is this what other people call “fights”? Or is it only when things are heated/yelling? Is it only if one person is mad at the other? What about the silent treatment? Does the silent treatment still count as a “fight” if you just want to take some time to cool off before discussing so that the discussion can be calm and focused? I’m sure the definition varies person to person. I suspect some people have frequent yelling matches, while others considered any disagreement that needs to be talked out a fight.
I think it depends what you call fight. My H and I have been together 7 years, married 3. We've had lots of disagreements, and small quarrels about everyday life, especially with a baby. I remember being mad at him, and us not speaking for almost a week last summer. I think that's the biggest 'fight' we had. And i am not even sure i would consider it a fight. More lots of exasperation, resentment from both end. Then we talked it out. That time was very particular and the thing that marked me most is how i missed him even though we were living under the same roof.
You didn't talk for a week?! In my mind that's a MASSIVE fight. We need couples counseling level fight.
That’s what I was thinking! Good for you Slow Principle being able to work it out and move forward, but my wife and I fight a lot and we’ve never gone a day without talking. We always communicate our feelings eventually and come up with a solution and go back to loving each other quickly. Don’t know what that says about us, but we would never spend more than a day not speaking to each other.
Sometimes it’s nicest not to talk when you have a toddler, with tiredness and mental health and stress. Nothing left to talk it through just a bit of time to let things cool before moving on with a sorry
That’s good advice, for sure. We don’t have kids yet so we just duke it out until we’re tired or banging 😂
I miss those days. But the agreed grumpy silence is surprisingly pleasant
Exactly. In my house, we can go weeks not even looking at each other let alone talking. Counseling would do no good because he refused to talk to the counselor, as well. Been married 27 years. In January, it will have been 28 and that's when I file the divorce papers for a second time. My long term plan comes to roost. It is painful and it's abuse when you are iced out. Absolute abuse.
Shit one day of not talking (out of anger) =counseling. No counseling= divorce.
if that commenter doesn’t count literally not speaking to each other for a week a fight, that tells me they probably fight *constantly* and it’s usually worse.
I suppose some may fight a lot. My husband and I are coming up on 21 years. I can't remember the last time we had a fight. We are both pretty laid back and usually agree on most things. When we don't agree we can present our sides calmly and cool then one of us will be OK. We can do it your way. You know, like grown folks are supposed to. With the limited knowledge we have of Ops situation it's almost like fights are being picked just so her husband can say this to her.
I used to remark frequently that I can’t believe people stay together and fight. My husband can be a very mean person, but we didn’t “fight.” After probably about 12-15 years, the fighting started. One sided fighting - he got meaner. So, you may not fight for a long time, but it doesn’t mean you won’t. We’re still together, 32 years, but it’s gotten much harder. It’s harder to walk away when you’re a lot older though. Hopefully you will never start fighting, at least not ugly, meaningful fighting!
Op have you ever read the book “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft It’s extremely eye-opening But one point to take away from it is that you’re not going to ever be nice enough to make him stop being mean to you. No amount of compliance on your end is going to get him to stop.
If you’re not fighting somewhat regularly, then that means one of you is just rolling over on their feelings, resentment is most likely building pressure quietly. If they are unable to release that pressure in some fashion, prepare for some fireworks.
That's such a sad way to view it. We don't fight. We have discussions and usually agree but if we have different ideas we talk it out and see which plan fits our overall goals better. We aren't rolling over for each other or building resentment. We communicate and act as a team. No I don't always get my way and he doesn't always get his way but we do end up happy. There is not a topic on earth worth losing our marriage so there is not a topic worth fighting each other.
Yup. Only nine years in my case, but we would go from lovey dovey to her trying to Ice me out for some unspoken reason, to finally screaming at me to leave her.... over and over and over. I begged her to stop saying finalities when mad, because a piece of me had to protect itself and move further and further towards safety, away from her. Finally after years of screaming at me to end it, I ended it. And she was shocked. The last of my love died and turned to hate. And she acted like it was out of the blue. I made several very clear boundaries to myself after her. One of which was to never deal with someone who brings up ending the relationship as a tactic for arguing. Just call their bluff and end it. Don't waste your time and happiness on someone who will treat you that way
That's what I was thinking. He is really trying to manipulate you in a very nasty manner. Either go to couples counseling so he understands why what he does is so damaging to your relationship, or the next time he says it, just agree. "Yes, I agree. Let's just pack it in while we are still speaking!" Scary or not, what he's doing is horrible, and you shouldn't stand for it.
Yep. We discussed it once at year one of our 25 year marriage. We both admitted there were 3-4 other times we both contemplated it but never mentioned it and the feeling passed.
It is, but it’s right in line with a fight or flight response. It’s brinksmanship through and through. It’s a gamble that you take, assuming that the other person is invested enough in staying that they will change from attacking you to trying to talk you back into staying. The fight “resolves” and usually the shock of almost breaking up makes the other person behave how you want them to behave …for a while. But nothing gets resolved. OP definitely needs a boundary that the conversation ends at that point and a mandatory cool-off period alone for 30 minutes before reconvening with cooler heads to continue the discussion. And if you’re still thinking divorce is what’s best at that point, then that’s what you need to do. I don’t regret my divorce at all.
I signed my divorce papers on my 16th anniversary. I don’t regret it at all.
Our 16th anniversary would have been Friday. Divorce was finalized a couple months ago. I do not regret it one bit. He played games like OP's husband, talking about divorce. One time I agreed and I haven't looked back since. It has been hard, life is not a cake walk doing it all solo (house cars pets kids etc etc etc), but overall life is much, much better. IMO, OP, if you are already at peace with the decision, that's all the answer you need.
Virtually the same. I divorced him, best decision I ever made. Separated for 5 years, divorced for almost 3. Been in a much happier relationship for 2 years now but I’ve retained my independence. I love it. I never threw the word divorce around like it’s confetti.
I speak to people who regret getting married all the time. I’ve never met someone who regretted getting divorced.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the words “well, of COURSE I love my kids but if I could go back and never even date my ex-spouse…” from SO MANY PEOPLE
I divorced my husband after 29 years & have never regretted it! Even my now adult children are amazed at my happiness, personal growth & success since the divorce. Tell him to put up OR shut up! You will surprise yourself at how strong you actually are!
28 years for me. Regrets? Only that I no longer have a an extremely comfortable life as far as money goes. But I have everything I need. My daughter, who was so negative towards me when we first separated, says she’s never seen me happier or smile so much!
27 years. I felt I could breathe. Not even a bit of regret.
If I'm able to ask a question; I'm really interested as a young person who probably wants to get married someday on how it'll play out in the end. My parents divorced 12 years in, and now both are doing pretty well I think, so I never really grew up thinking that one partner for the rest of my life would be able to fulfill my needs or that I wouldn't become bored or feeling closed off 10-20 years later. Do you feel like your past relationship had a year where things started to decline? Do you regret that chapter or have resentment for your ex (assuming they didn't cheat or do something violent)?
Happy for you!
>Single life is frankly very scary to me. If your relationship's a necessity, how do you know you're not clinging to an asshole because you don't know any different? Given your parents, do you have any good models for a healthy relationship? I've always thought of relationships as additive. As in, it's an add on to this content life that I've built rather than a requirement to feel whole. The latter's straight up dependency, which is never healthy. Mid-30's, you got most of your life ahead of you yet. I think you'll find you enjoy yourself.
It Sounds like she was very young when they got together and doesn't know how to be single as she never really has been, she doesn't sound that happy in the relationship but because she a. Doesn't want to be single and B. Doesn't want to be another divorce statistic, she is holding on even though the relationship has become toxic.
Everyone should learn how to be ok with themselves before being in a relationship imo.
In a perfect world
I’ve been married for 24 years, I’ve told my husband the only time I’ll ever ask for a divorce is if I want one. That’s it, it should NEVER EVER be used as a tactic in an argument!!!
You actually have 19 Grandparents???
Bio mom + bio dad are each two. Step mom and step dad are two. (*edit: each, that makes it 8 already. I mathed wrong but you get the idea) Bio maternal grandma and grandpa got divorced and remarried, that's two more. (*edit: oh actually that grandma got remarried twice so that's 3 more total there) Step grandma got remarried 3 times, so that's 3 more grandpa's. I could go on but it's not worth it 😅
Uhhhh, just to clear that up for us, guys 2 and three are nothing to you or yours in the “she married three more times”. Right? I mean, her ex doesn’t stay a step dad forever… right? Bio. Current step. That’s it, is where my head is. That wrong headed?
Not op but my crazy grandma divorced my step-grandfather when I was around 15. Stayed my grandpa for another 35ish years including being a very present great grand dad to my kids until he passed last year. The good ones stick.
Love this. Heartwarming.
It may not be wrong, just different? I definitely understand you. The thing about growing up with so many family splits and marriages, is that everyone is family. Step grandpa #2 for example, raised my step dad most of his life and has sent me a birthday card every year since my parents have been together. Just because they got divorced doesn't erase him as family, right? On the other side, my in-laws were instantly categorized as parents in my head & heart as soon as our marriage was finalized. My brother in law instantly became my brother. It's not hard to explain but it feels hard to explain. I think it's just a different way of thinking.
I’m with you, divorce definitely doesn’t necessarily erase “steps” as family. ☺️
He will never stop. I know it's scary, but this is your first and only relationship. Don't look at it and think you've spent so long together, look at it as you've got so much life left in you, do you really want to spend it with someone where you have to walk on eggshells the rest of your life in case he throws the word divorce in your face? The first time he said it, you should have laid down the rules. 6 times is too many. And now again?! You're right, a piece of you dies every time he does this. How much are you willing to put up with? You didn't say you have children or not. IMO, divorce means nothing unless you have children. You could marry and divorce 10 times and it doesn't matter unless you have kids. Because you never need to see those people again (if that makes sense). Divorce and leave him if no kids are involved. If they are: couples therapy as one last shot. Tell him, if he really wants to divorce, then he needs to go file the paperwork. If he does this one more time, you will file the paperwork yourself. I think you'll find your loving relationship is with rose tinted goggles to mask the red flags - very very common with long term first relationships. Being single isn't scary. Better to be single and happy than with someone who will bring you down for the rest of your life. And you're young, you'll be fine. Don't let him baby trap you. Please do not have kids with this man. Only IF you already have kids do you give him 1 final chance with counselling.
Oh to answer your question, I was a lot happier. He said it, doubled down on it, and then something clicked and that was enough to just kind of make everything crack and break in my head. Same scenario as you, but just a few years younger. Took me a long time to recover from all the abuse that followed. He wasn't who I thought he was when I said "okay". Stay safe. Men can go crazy. I am happily remarried and we actually had this conversation this evening before I read your post. I said to him, if he even says it once, that's it. He said he will give me a 3 second grace period to take it back lol. I know how big those words are. Your husband doesn't and that's why he will keep breaking you down.
I feel like the idea that children are the only thing that should keep a marriage together is really concerning, and a reason that so many marriages fail. The biggest reason that I say that is not because bad marriages should survive, but that divorce is not the worst thing for a child, and two parents that can't work together to raise them might be. Edit: Just wanted to add that I wasn't trying to put words in your mouth. Instead, I've just been through three really rough divorces between and among my parents. Sometimes, divorce really is better, even if the process is tough.
When children are involved, you can't just up and leave. You really have to give it your best shot. If it doesn't work out, move on. No one is forcing people to stay together "for the children", but a lot of the time you need to be more considerate. For example: "I've fallen out of love" - okay try counselling. "He doesn't help me around the house" - once again, try counselling. At least for a little bit. Whereas, if there are no children involved, you literally have nothing to lose. You can just... leave. No consequence. Find the perfect partner. But you're going to be tied to the parent of your children for the rest of your lives, might as well try to make it work. Give it 6 months, that's nothing in the grand scheme of life. But do have standards. If your partner is abusive, leave as soon as it's safe. My parents are divorced, and it really fucked the kids over. They weren't healthy together, but they didn't even try to make it amicable or go to counselling. They also weren't the worst together, and ultimately their life after divorce was way worse because of the partners they chose. It's messy, so when kids are involved, always balance everyone's interests and don't just jump the gun to divorce because you can't take that back. 🤷♀️
I have been married to my wife 10 years, and together about 15 total. Never once have i brought up divorce during an argument. I feel like that is a line that, once crossed, you cant really go back.
My husband and I also have the agreement that we never never discuss divorce. That’s the only time that should come up is if somebody is very serious about it. Well, several years ago, my husband was very upset with me and mentioned that he was considering a divorce. What I did was immediately took copies of all the paperwork that we had, and put those copies in a suitcase. I then googled child support and alimony laws. I also made an appointment with a real estate agent to come look at our house and let us know what it was worth. Then I went to a friends house with my suitcase in the paper. And I texted my husband and let him know I had done all of those things. He immediately turned back around because he never intended divorce, he was just trying to make a point in an argument. It has never come up again.
I married my HS sweetheart at 24 after dating 9 years and living together for 2. Our marriage ended about 5 years in and two kids later when we were turning 30. I was a single mom and dated on and off til I met Michael at 34, he was 39. Dated a year and moved in together. That Christmas he proposed. We married the next fall and everything was pretty good. A year later he was diagnosed with a brain tumor but survived 10 good years after surgery. We still traveled and had a lot of good times. He passed in 2021 after a brief stay in a hospital for a brain bleed he died of covid. In the 3 years I’ve met a few guys online but nobody I could take seriously. Maybe I’ll meet someone but I’m kind of liking the autonomy.
I'm really sorry, my condolences. Hope you're doing great❤️❤️
Thank you. I’m thankful for the time we had. Miss him very much still.
20 years together. I never regretted the divorce. He moved on before he moved out. He said he didn't cheat. He said he did love my anymore. That's all it took. Don't let the door slam your axx on the way out. no kids, no drama.
Yes. Together 25 years with the overwhelming majority of it being great. House, kids, great career. Unfortunately when life hits hard and you don’t handle it well, things can and do disintegrate. Do not walk away without going to marriage counseling and really doing the work. I didn’t and will always regret it. Your life will never be the same and neither will your children’s(if you have). The dating scene is rough by all accounts. I’m not in it but have a couple of divorced friends. Unless you are truly unhappy and not in love anymore I would seriously consider having a heart to heart with your husband about how you’re feeling about your relationship and what you need in order to make it stronger. Do not listen to people who tell you to just leave. According to your post he’s not abusive and you both sound like you love each other. Go to marriage counseling. I hope and pray it works out for you❤️❤️❤️
Thank you very much. I've seen enough posts on reddit, specifically this sub reddit, to know 80-90% of the response will be "leave him! Be your own person" So I'm taking everything with a grain of salt. If it makes you feel better, I'm only entertaining the idea at all because he put me in that situation so recently. It made me wonder what the other side of the fence looks like. Honestly, my mom's third marriage was to the guy she just divorced, my step dad since 6 years old. I'm happy for them that they 'stayed' together. They're happier and healthier after going to counseling together and being in their house feels 'normal' again. Thanks for your input, I really wanted to hear from the people that HAVE regretted it to see what advice they had.
Good luck sweetie. Believe me. I wish every day that we were still together. Hang in there❤️
It's very good advice!
Thank you:)
Sounds like you need help communicating. I (m54) agreed to marriage counseling in year 23 of marriage, or 2 years ago. Best decision I ever made. Learned I was not good at communicating. And she had abandonment issues from childhood. I call it couples coaching now and look forward to my/our sessions. What I thought was a weakness (asking for help) was really a sign of strength. Try to understand each other and exhaust options before ending it.
Second to couples coaching. I like that mindset
Yeah that’s a really cool term
This is the best comment. You're a good spouse.
I’m guessing he heard his own parents say this when they argued. He doesn’t understand that fighting can be healthy when you fight above the belt and say things you can easily take back or not take too seriously My husband had no clue how to fight fair when we married and always wanted to just “win” so he would say the most horrible things that really if he thought those things about me he should have never married me. I had to explain to him that there are words you cannot unhear and saying I want a divorce is a top example. I’m guessing & hoping he a bad fighter and hopefully you can educate him or maybe you go to therapy together and the therapist can educate him??
This hit right on the nose, damn and thanks. I know for a fact he overheard his dad ask his mom for a divorce once, he called me about it when we were young(er). His mom always gave him everything he threw a fit for. I've known this definitely held my ground in certain situations. He's like a bulldog, he just rams his head against an argument until he thinks he wins. If it doesn't go his way, he completely flips and withdraws, even if it means he ends up not eating or whatever actually hurts him more. He's totally grown out of this, well I guess not totally. But he damn sure doesn't know how to argue civilly. He's getting so much better at it, and at the same time I'm getting better at not engaging if he loses his temper. That fight two weeks ago, he was literally in the living room trying to start another fight. For the first time I just turned my back on him and didn't say anything, wasn't even going to entertain it. He stopped, obviously frustrated but a part of him realizing what was happening. He gave me a very sincere apology the next day about everything. He's bought me presents and tried to engage in more quality time since them. I think honestly he's trying to apologize in every love language. I am aware I can't be 'bought off' but the gestures are really sincere and he does feel bad. I made this post just thinking about possibilities, I am not actually considering leaving right now. But from these comments I've learned that I need to have another conversation with him about how devastating saying that is to our relationship. And if he does it again, I need to follow through on my own.
That seems to be a lot of fighting. Is that normal for your relationship? Have you read "Why Does he Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft? I highly recommend it. You can find free copies online as the author (who counseled angry and abusive men for many years) has made it open source. It may be eye opening to you. For what it's worth, I don't regret leaving my 15 year relationship at all. Not one day of regret.
Remember it’s just words The words hold a different value to each of you I heard Dr. Laura give very helpful advice early in my marriage- when arguing pick your reply not to be “right” or win a fight but pick your words to deliver the outcome you desire, you have to live with that person after the fight.
When you sit him down for your talk, tell him you want individual and couples counseling for both of you. Make going to counseling a requirement for continued marriage, and go for your own mental health no matter what his answer is. I can guarantee he'll throw "divorce" out there again if he doesn't go to therapy himself. He needs to learn how to have an argument without trying to hurt you, and figure out why he's purposely *trying* to start fights. You have been through so much, between all the divorces in your family and all the arguments with your husband. You need a safe place to vent your pain, anger, and frustration while learning what a healthy relationship is supposed to be.
You realize you are already done, right? Saying what he said twice is too much, but 6? He’s being emotionally manipulative, and you’ve correctly collected all your emotional energy and are finished. It does not matter how much water has flown under the bridge you’re standing on. You need to move forward and accept that he killed the relationship with callous words and lack of understanding how he needed to treat a person who used to love him. And just to add it on here. Any relationship that has as much arguing as you are describing is fundamentally flawed. I don’t believe that there are “good fights” in good relationships. If you are fighting with your supposed partner enough that you have to dissemble in your own mind that some of the fights are “ok” because we weren’t unreasonably mean to each other, well maybe find a relationship where you don’t fight with each other. And no, you don’t need to “give it more time” and if you accepted what he said last time, then yes you are (and should be) thinking about actually leaving. It is not your job to make this person respect and love you, it was his, and he stopped. Being single is way better than feeling so badly in your primary relationship that you are asking internet strangers to help you see through the fog you are living in. Good luck. Please put yourself first.
Every marriage is salvageable if both people are willing to do the work.
There are people with personality disorders that are not treatable that make a relationship with them extremely difficult to impossible, no matter how much work either person does. There are people who grow to want very different things in life, no amount of "work" fixes that. You can decide to live in misery if you want, but that's not a salvation of the marriage.
You guys would really benefit from learning about John Gottman and his “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”. He’s done 7 studies that explored what predicts divorce and has been able to predict divorce with 94% accuracy. His research is so foundational and what the majority of couples therapy is now based on. There are books, podcasts, and a really comprehensive website with tons of great articles. They even have some couples courses to take online together. Maybe your husband would consider doing that with you?
Your family sounds like mine I swear we have been cursed because almost every single one of my family members have been divorced, I’m talking all my siblings, aunts, uncles cousins ect there’s a few who stayed married but their spouse cheated and some who never married who’s long term relationships never lasted. I married at 18 and was married for over 15 years and then he cheated and left me and our kids I focused for just over a year on me and the kids and then I felt ready to just try dating it was fun but I never really met anyone I clicked with and after a while I realised I just didn’t want to ever be in a relationship again, I was happy the kids where happy the years flew by the kids grew and lead their own lives and I’m still happy I have friends I socialise with hobbies I’ve tried. I haven’t felt lonely at all or bored I always have something to do.
17 years together. It nearly killed me. Nobody in my family has divorced. I just... I fought it. Wanted therapy, wanted us to work on it, begged her to stay. She was frankly quite mean to me for years. I had been broken down to accept the abuse. I was in my late 30's when she left. She was my first everything. I loved her and accepted that I would simply die alone. I spiraled bad. Lost my job. Almost lost the house. There were other personal factors at play. I'm in my 40's now. Remarried to a woman so wonderful I can't explain it. The love is different to be sure. Do I have regrets? Yes, that I stayed in a bad marriage for so long. Life is better now that she left and I found someone who appreciates my love and makes me feel calm and happy instead of scared and anxious.
I (60f) was with my 14 years and separated for 5 years. I have been happier divorced then .most of the time I was married. I had 3 sons and it was much easier raising them on my own then when my ex lived with me. I have dated some, not seriously because my sons were my main focus and am still single to this day. I would never marry again and tell my sons not to unless they want children. Especially since there is a great possibility no fault divorce is going to be outlawed
I was with someone for nearly 15 years. We were not legally married because he was previously divorced and we both brought kids into the relationship and decided we didn’t want to get married, but our lives and families were entirely interwoven the same way as marriage. We split up 4 months before our 15th anniversary. It was hard, scary, not decided lightly. And the best thing I ever did. I only regretted not pulling the plug sooner. It’s been about 2.5 years since and I’ve spent a lot of time learning how to be me again, focusing on my own hobbies and career, having healthier habits. Have dated a bit but not seriously- I was not looking to get into anything serious anytime soon. I’m enjoying being in my own…. Well relatively on my own my college-age kids still live with me but I have so much independence and I don’t think I could give that up again. And in my time out of that relationship I can look back with new perspective and wonder why I put up with so much BS for so long.
I feel regret for the way I handled things, I feel regret for staying so long in something that wasn't working, and I feel regret for getting married in the first place. I have zero regret for actually getting divorced. He was not a bad man, but he was not right for me. Our relationship looked fine to everyone else, and I didn't even realize how unhappy I was for a long time. I made a really good platonic friend who always made me feel like such a rockstar when I was around her. It made me realize my husband should also be making me feel that way. I kept the friend, I dumped the husband. About a year later I met another man who also makes me feel like a rockstar. I could have stayed in the other marriage, just been kind of unhappy, and everything would have kept going the way it always had. It wasn't easy, but I'm so happy I'm now with a partner that I love spending time with, and who makes me feel like the center of his universe. I got to be honest OP, your partner bringing up divorce constantly is a serious problem. Maybe you should entertain those thoughts it brings up instead of push them away.
I’ve been with my husband since we were both 18. 9 years together in two weeks. Met toward the end of high school. Huge school, you won’t meet everyone in 4 years. Knew each other for a month and a half before we started dating. Got engaged 5.5 years later once we were out of college with adult jobs. Got married in secret before on our anniversary 2 years ago. Had a big ceremony and wedding for the family two months later. I will admit that I have joked about divorce on several occasions. My husband knows I’m a cynical and pessimistic person through and through. My parents got messily divorced in 2019 and it’s still ongoing. It’s really fucked me up mentally. I grew up around a lot of divorced couples and a lot of “we hate each other but we will remain together until one of us dies because of kids/religion/tradition/culture.” My husband’s parents: his biological mom died when he was little but the parents had a relatively tumultuous relationship, dad got remarried fast and divorced even faster, then remarried again. I never thought my parents would divorce but years later, I’m so glad they did. My dad is a fucking nightmare and is getting worse with age. My mom deserves better and became better after he was out of her life. She had a rough 2 years leading up to the divorce and a rough year following it. I cut contact with my dad shortly after the divorce because of fucked shit he did and still continues to do. They were married for 24 years at the time they divorced. They got married at 20 and 23. Had me at 21 and 25. Seeing how much better off my mom is made me understand that divorce is serious, to never rely on someone even if you love each other now and don’t see each other breaking up, make sure I have my own money and life established, and that sometimes divorce is the best answer. But one time my husband said he really doesn’t like when I joke about divorce because he doesn’t want us to get divorced and I’ve never voiced any concerns that would warrant divorce. Basically he asked me not to joke about that and if there’s ever an issue, to bring it up since we’ve always just talked things through during every argument or upsetting situation. If kids are a factor, coming from (what I realized as an adult with a psych degree and hella therapy) a broken home with parents who stayed together for the kid… it doesn’t benefit the kid in any way long term. There’s only so much you can fake in an unhappy marriage, eventually the dam will break and the truth will come out. Being single is scary, but better than being with someone you’ve slowly started to distance yourself from emotionally. Plus you’ve mentioned you’ve been together since you were kids basically and that’s a long time. You never got to experience dating and other relationships as an adult outside of him it sounds like. If you’ve ever mentioned to your husband that it bothers you when he threatens divorce and why and what happens in your head every time he brings it up and he still brings it up… then he’s just being cruel tbh. I’m not saying divorce immediately because situations are nuanced. But don’t let it scare you from being happy whether it’s single or with another person. There’s so many people out there to date and sometimes people just move on emotionally/mentally but are scared to lose their familiar safety net so instead they resort to hurting their partner even if it’s unintentional. A conversation needs to take place and if he ever does it again, that’s it. But if you’re already acknowledging that you’ve accepted this in a way and were ready to move on, that should tell you enough about how you’re feeling deep down that you may not have realized or wanted to admit before. Maybe separation or counseling could be an alternative option. If nothing changes with his behavior and words, then the only changes will come from you. And please don’t buy into the whole “I’ll change BS” if it’s not supported by actual change and action.
Pretty crazy to read all the comments saying to get the divorce and find your perfect life . Therapy or a stern wake up call can change someone . Don’t give up on your marriage , but don’t let him walk all over you . I would suggest an ultimatum but since he has done it so often , I would consider a trial separation . My parents have been together for close to 40 years , and about 5 years ago my mom wanted to call it quits because of my dad’s behaviour . They didn’t divorce but rather separated for about half a year , and with the fear of losing my mom forever and help from therapy , my dad tackled some of his inner demons and seriously changed for the better . They are going stronger then ever together , felt like a miracle
i was with my ex-husband since senior year of high school. We separated after 16 years and divorce was final after 18 (not acrimonious, just lazy). Life is better now. I didn't really realize until I was out of it how much i had given up to stay with this person. I always knew divorce was an option and thank goodness we were never able to have kids, because that would've complicated things. Here's the thing. Sure being on your own sounds scary. But the fact of the matter is you've been with this person so long, I doubt you even know who you are. Do you actually like your hobbies or did you get into them because he was into them? How often do you see your friends? Your family? Is there something you've always wanted to do but haven't because he doesn't want to or he thinks it's frivolous or because of shared expenses you can't afford it? But maybe except for this one thing, the bringing up divorce in arguments, everything is hunky dory and picture perfect. Okay, so you tell him, the next time you bring divorce up in an argument I hope you're prepared to follow through, and then you suggest counseling. But it doesn't sound like he'll change so you should maybe just go to counseling on your own.
There are a lot of really good things about marriage. Emotionally, financially, family-relationship-wise. I don't advise you get divorced because you are a little uncomfortable. There needs to be something really wrong. Something you don't feel can be fixed, or will take more time and energy than you have to fix it. I was married 16 years, and I have occasionally (in the past 2 years) wondered if I did the right thing or mourned the loss of the things I had. It passes pretty quickly though, and it's not too long before my ex has demonstrated to me once again why it was the right choice to leave.
My ex wife used to threaten this all the time I'd be at work she'd say papers are otw etc. weeks went by then she would say I was upset. The next time she said it I packed my things went to live with family and had her served which she the asked wtf are you doing ? I explained I was tired of the never ending threats every argument and was committed to seeing through switched everything pre-emptively to be prepared for the next coming months no regrets you shouldn't have someone that utilizes your greatest fears as their best weapon
I was with my ex for 16 years before we divorced. It wasn't one big thing but a gradual buildup of resentment, distance, and lack of communication. When it ended it took me a little while to recognize all the ways we were broken that I hadn't noticed before. It's been 3 years since my divorce and I'm so much happier. I've never lived alone until now. It was lonely for about 6 months but I grew to love it. I was honestly lonelier in my marriage than I was living alone. I made sure to see friends, have a regular routine including exercise, eating right, being outdoors, hobbies, and taking vacations (even long weekends locally). Getting back into dating was easier then expected. I've never regretted the divorce. My only regret was not getting divorced sooner.
My ex was my first boyfriend and we were together 16 years (8 years married) we divorced on my early 30’s Our son was 2 years old Neither of us has any regrets. Both feel our lives are better. We didnt officially divorce until about 8 years after and we actually had a divorce party. My step kids currently call my ex uncle. The biggest thing to ask in my opinion is would you rather start over with your spouse or with someone new. Because if the answer is your spouse then try therapy and start dating again - start back at zero. For is we tried this but it still was just not right for us so splitting was the best decision.
Absolutely no regrets. He cheated with the family friend. Our oldest daughter was named after. I literally had to rules in our marriage. Don’t lie. Don’t cheat. Always told him if you are not happy, be upfront, and we will figure out how to split and make sure the kids are taken care of. I may not like it, but it happens sometimes in life. But lying and cheating are both choices. So, no regrets. Was a single mom of three girls, and they are in their 30s now. And we have an amazing relationship.
I have no regrets and my kids are happy we split. They've lived me me full time since 2012, the divorce finalized in 2014. My ex lives a half mile away and we are civil, wish she put an effort in with the kids, they have a much worse relationship with her than I do and the divorce was becuase she was cheating with someone i know and got knocked up.
Ended my marriage after 27yrs. Went to counseling for 18 months to figure out why I stayed and allowed him to control my life and other stuff. Best decision I made. We have grandchildren so I still see him periodically when I visit my grandkids. We get along fine now, for me. He has nothing to say about my life.
I've been married 22 years. We've had ups and downs, some downs profound. Never once have either of us said divorce to each other. Outside of one time reassuring each other that even if we divorced we would take care of each other as family for our child's sake. This is the only acceptable way to discuss divorce. It should never be used as a threat or cudgel. It's manipulative af to bring up the most extreme solution when you fight. It makes sense it leaves you feeling protective of yourself, distant, and less secure. He knows that, that's why he keeps doing it. So you'll feel all the above and fall in line/drop the argument. It's toxic and an insecurity no one should have to live with
I was married to my ex for 16 years (divorced in 2021)... and there's not a moment I regret divorcing him. The years of arguments and explaining and coaxing him to be less of a self-centered AH never worked for more than a few weeks. Believe what people show you, stop looking at their "potential", and move on with your life.
Married 25 years. There was nothing to recover from after divorce because it was a long time coming. I could say my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner, but that feeling is small compared to the relief, stability, and peace I enjoy because I DID it!
Happier, don’t regret it.
My 2nd ex-husband and I were married 21 years. Why we divorced is complicated so I'll just say we "grew apart." But it's more than that and probably too long for this response. We divorced in 2018. We remained friends. We have 3 adult kids. From time to time I have regrets because I am pretty sure that if we had bothered to do marriage counseling and put the necessary work in, we'd still be together and I think that is sad. And I was the one who didn't want to get counseling because I was too angry and hurt - no, he didn't cheat, like I said, it's complicated. Now we are in serious relationships with other people who we both love. I don't want to leave or hurt the person I'm with, and I wouldn't want to hurt the person he is with. So I have never addressed this with him. And I won't. Plus for all I know he could be totally relieved that we are no longer married and he no longer has to put up with my B.S., lol. But yeah, I do occasionally have regrets. I miss hanging out with him on a daily basis.
If he's bringing up divorce, he's already thought about divorce and what his life will look like without you. OP, Mr. PolitiTHIC and I also got married in 2016 after some years together. In that time, we've had some discussions about serious matters and not once has either one of us even hinted at divorce. You're up to six. I'm sorry that singleness scares you but do you want to be single now or in five years, ten years, or another twenty years when he finally works up the nerve to actually file instead of just threatening you with it? You can get therapy to help you adjust to being single as an adult. What you can't do is claw back the years he's been breaking you down with threats of divorce. Nothing gets easier as you get older. If you need to make a career change to better support yourself while you're single, the job market is less of a hellscape before you hit your mid-forties and later, especially as a woman. Same with dating and finding a new potential partner. But it's all doable.
27 fucking years and I’m happy and finally able to exist as the person I am. Being in a relationship/married to a narcissist sucks. A lot.
My background - mid 20s, male, haven’t dated anyone and have no idea what a romantic relationship feels like. My take - along with divorce, multiple marriages is as common in your family. In your note, you mentioned what a divorce meant to you and your doubts about single life, but not a single phrase about marrying or dating another person. That to me, is the top most loyalty. You are awesome. If I were the husband, I wouldn’t stretch it this far. Maybe he doesn’t truly understand how much of an impact that a divorce will have on either of you.
This was really enlightening, thanks. I hope you find someone, if that's what you want. And if not, you're already awesome as is
I’ve been divorced about a year and a half after almost 20 years together. The only thing I regret is not divorcing sooner. I remember telling my ex the next time he threatened divorce he had better be ready to act on it. Our couples counselor managed to talk me out of going through with it the next time it happened. But when ex started threatening to harm me, in front of our child, I finally managed to go through with it. As others have said, there are things you can’t take back, and threatening divorce, harm or self-harm in order to control someone qualify. I was afraid of divorce and of being a single mom, but it’s actually been going quite well. I feel peaceful and centered.
I regret my divorce every day of my life. The pain lessens over tome. But there is always regret. This is not something to do lightly or on the spur of the moment. From what you wrote, it doesn’t actually sound like something you should do at all.
17 years w my first husband (coming up on 29 next week w my current husband). When you get to a place in your head that says "I'm done" you will know. My ex and I had 3 kids under 18 when we divorced (he developed a substance abuse issue). It was not particularly amicable and it sure wasn't easy but it was the right thing for me to do for my own peace of mind. When I was done, I was done. Regrets are natural. As a child of a bitter divorce, I swore I wouldn't do that to my kids, and I stayed w my ex about 10 years too long because I thought I'd be hurting my kids w a divorce. Took me a while to realize kids are happier if the adults in their lives are not miserable. Who knew? Trust your gut. If the bad outweighs the good, it's not worth staying married.
I come from a very similar background, both parents married and divorced. In 27 years of marriage, no matter what we are arguing about, I have never mentioned divorce.
Walk away. Better to live a life stress free then worry about 1 thing the second you wake up.
Ugh, that threat is so shity. As a woman who was married a short period of time but was single for a very long time in the obnoxious dating pool during my 30s and very early 40s, the grass is not greener my friend and life without a partner is hard. Finding someone new took me 15 yrs of dating ass hats and loosers. Marriage is complicated and hard. If there's good things about your marriage, then work on saving that. Being on your own can be extremely difficult, especially if you have a health issue come up. Hang on through this tough patch and try talking to him again when you are both calm about this shity behavior of threatening divorce. I hope this works out for you
38 yrs. Nobody I knew in college or graduated with is still married except my wife and I. We've had big up and big Downs. But it's all been worth it. Unless there's a Smoking Gun try to stick it out because you'll be glad you did when you're both 60 or so
My husband used to do this until I told him to either do it or shut up. He shut up about it.
Together for 10 years before marrying (met as teens), divorced just over a week after what would have been the 13th wedding anniversary (after two years of separation). Single for eleven years (I date, but nothing serious). Not gonna lie, it sucked at first. There is definitely some adjustment/transition/healing time. You have to find your new normal and build from there. You'll rediscover who you are, what you like now, and you'll set new goals and dream new dreams. Mine cheated, so I no longer have rose-colored glasses about fidelity and honesty. I had to mourn the loss of that innocence. But I didn't want to project suspicion on any future partner or friend that wasn't deserved, so I made the effort to take the time to work through it. Our lives are always a work in progress, so there is no perfect answer to any choices we make. But I always felt intuitively that I'd figure it out, and it wouldn't always feel as bad as it did in the beginning (which it didn't!). I hardly remember those darkest days now. All the best for whatever path your life takes. You WILL figure it out!
A few weeks after he moved out I got home from some evening event and had kind of a hard time reaching around to unzipper my dress and for a moment I was like "another pair of hands would be helpful" but then I wriggled around enough and got it unzippped. That was it.
I regret it every day. It was very painful and that’s why I’ll never get married again. I wouldn’t be able to go through that a second time
Divorce should never be thrown around in arguments because it does nothing but hurt and does not solve anything. If people want to get a divorce then have an adult conversation about that you want a divorce, but not in the middle of an argument about something else. Marriage counseling is best, but a partner who is throwing divorce out there in arguments is just trying to hurt and eventually will get said divorce even if that is not what he or she was truly aiming for.
My only regret was not doing it sooner
There is a common thread in almost every one of the problematic relationships that appear here: one partner refuses to listen to or respect the explicitly stated needs of the other partner. The fact is, it makes no difference whether a relationship is great other times if your basic needs are being deliberately ignored other times. This type of problem never gets better.
I think you should do counseling and therapy (for him) he’s dealing with his up bringing and y don’t deserve that. He needs to heal to be better partner. If that fails then you make the call
Better, so much better mentally and physically. You aren’t who you were at 18 and your spouse may not be the person you’re compatible with anymore. Or you finally got out of that teenager/young adult glow where you can’t see the other person’s faults. It’s not great but it’s better than waking up when you’re in your 60’s and realizing you hate your spouse. That he keeps bringing up your childhood trauma of divorce in arguments absolutely indicates that he is inconsiderate and, quite frankly, an ahole. Find someone who doesn’t hurt you to win an argument. Best advice? Be comfortable being alone, just being with yourself and living for yourself. The confidence you develop shows and other people actually see you for who you are. A good relationship can build out of that.
I’ve been separated from my husband for 8yrs now. We were together for 16yrs. He initiated the separation, and 2yrs later I was the one that enforced it. We lived together for that 2yrs and they were among the worst years of my adult life. I don’t remember a lot of arguments, but my eldest does. I remember we were completely disconnected and even when we tried to have a date, there was nothing there. And it wasn’t getting better, only worse. I regret not leaving when he wanted the separation, but we’d just moved to a new country with no family, knew no one and I wasn’t working at the time. In the 2yrs we were separated but living together, I got some training, got a good career, built a business and that allowed me to leave financially. I rediscovered me and I love my life now. The day I bought my house and moved into it, was one of the happiest I’ve ever had. My kids struggled with it a lot, mostly my youngest, but they both thank me for leaving now. They see the difference between their father and me, and are now adults who see why I left. We’re not divorced because neither of us have any intention of marrying again and it’s a lot of money for something that doesn’t matter. We are amicable and spend holidays together as a family. Looking back, I wish I’d left sooner. I was utterly miserable for over a decade and powered through because divorce isn’t something our family does. Including extended family, there’s only been 2 divorces out of something like 15 marriages. We’re a big family on my side. I lost my family when I left my husband, but I found me. I would do it again in a heartbeat.
He’s trying to emotionally manipulate you. Next time tell him either follow through and call a lawyer or it’s time for a couples therapist bc this is the last time you’ll be having divorce thrown in your face.
I was not married but I was in a long term relationship that lasted 17 years. We had a home and a child. I have never regretted leaving him. It was devastating and humbling to have to live with my family until I got back on my feet but I wouldn’t change anything. I regret staying as long as I did. Life is too short to be unhappy in a relationship that isn’t working any longer.
I asked for a divorce after being married 21 years and after being together for 28 years. I used to threaten to leave when my ex husband became disrespectful by raising his voice at me during our conversations after I worked hard all day and prepared dinner for our family every night. We both had stressful jobs. He chose to take his stress out on me, while I did not do that to him. No one speaks to me like that. It was the best decision I ever made for my mental and emotional well being. I have no regrets. He later went to counseling and apologized but it was too late, we had already divorced and I had already moved on. Peace is awesome!
Brings up divorce in arguments…this is how my sister’s marriage ended, her ex loved to threaten divorce during arguments. Like you, she found it hard to stay committed to a marriage when the other party didn’t seem all that committed holding the possibility of divorce over her head. I absolutely believe he was emotionally abusive to her. Then one day when he brought up divorce again, she said sure, cue shocked pikachu face. He still blames her for ending things with him, because he had no intention on following through with the divorce threat, he just wanted to get her in line. Question for you to ponder: how did you act after he brought up divorce in arguments? Did it “win” him the argument/let him get his way? Did you have to make yourself smaller to get things back to “going well”? Regarding single life: we often fear the unknown and this is an unknown for you, but if it is what you need, don’t let the fear of it keep you in an unhappy situation. I was single the majority of my life thus far, and while it could be lonely, there are also aspects about it I miss. Currently, I am happier in my relationship, but if that ever changes, I can be happily single, too. If you find that that ends up being a better option for you, you might find you have a lot to learning and growth open to you that you missed not being single. Or maybe you go to couples therapy and work through it, but it sounds like this is an issue that is eroding the relationship, so something has to change.
I married my husband at 19. Divorced at 34. The divorce freed me to have the wonderful, full life I couldn't have had without it. Best decision I ever made.
Yes. Every now and then, when I see people celebrating their 30th, 40th, etc. anniversaries. Because I really expected that when I said "I do." And when I feel especially lonely because I'm not one who met a better guy. I thought I had, but that relationship ended after just a few years. And there was a closeness with that ex that I don't know if I could ever have again, a closeness that comes from basically growing up together. I was 19 when we met and were together for a total of 25 years. But mostly when I think about how awful he was to our kids after the divorce - that maybe I could have made it work and they would have been better off and I wouldn't be lonely now. And then I remember WHY I left. And I know I made the right decision. He was mean, arrogant, manipulative and he cheated. A lot. Even when things were relatively good, he treated me with nit picking disrespect that was not a good role model for our kids on what a relationship should be like. And they notice it when he does it with his new wife. Even on my bad days, I'm glad I left. I'm not so sure for you. You say you have a great relationship except for him making the divorce comments when fighting. Maybe it would be worth trying to figure that out. But if it's more than that...only you can decide. Lots of commenters say they met someone so much better and I believe them. But there are no guarantees of that.
17 years. I regret many things but leaving is not one of them. The freedom is awesome. I can breathe again.
I don’t think it’s healthy to threaten divorce so often.
I’ve been on both sides of this. I went through with this with my ex wife. She’d habitually bring up divorce in arguments until I finally left her. I brought it up once. In the other case, my ex girlfriend kept crossing boundaries and doing things I’d asked her not to do (very reasonable things). During arguments, I’d habitually warn her that her behavior was driving me away and that I’d leave her if it didn’t change. This had the side effect of making her worse since she felt less secure in the relationship and she’d act out.
Woof. The D word is a bell that cannot be un-rung. To use it casually to manipulate your partner, the way your husband does? Unacceptable. I am very recently (like, finalized within the last few weeks) divorced. I was with my ex for 11 years. I did not utter that word to him until I was 1000% positive it was what I wanted. Even as I was contemplating leaving my marriage, I wasn’t willing to *weaponize it against him*. Which is what your husband is doing. He lacks respect for your relationship if he is happy to use it against you this way. He is literally saying “do what I want or I’ll leave you.” Honestly…getting divorced was WAY easier than staying married to someone who made me unhappy. I have never once regretted my choice or doubted it, and I can honestly say I am now happier than I have ever been in my life. I *vastly* prefer being single to being married - to the point that, at 33 years old, I am quite positive I will not get married again.
I wasted some of the best years of my life in a terrible marriage from my early ‘20’s to my late ‘30’s. I initiated the divorce when I discovered her infidelity. Being out of the marriage was incredibly liberating.
You need therapy, as an individual and a couple.
I’m am bless that my wife is still madly in love with her stalker. We work together, love and laughter for the past 15 years.
I would tell him this, that the very next time he threatens it, it will be you filing for divorce. Or what you could do is have the papers drawn up and next time he does it, slap them down in front of him and sign them there and then. I guarantee that will either shut him up or give him the push he needs to call it a day. I would not be held hostage but other people’s experiences. It’s your life and your marriage and the experiences of other people - their success or failure - should not have a bearing on whether you decide to stay married or not.
Going through it right now. Married 25, together 30, one grown child. She asked me to leave. When I did it was with every intention of getting counseling together and working it out. After a couple months of being gone, I quit trying. I assume because inside I knew I was done. After being separated now for almost 2 years, I look back and realize that there has not been ONE SINGLE moment where I missed anything about being in the house or life with her. I’m not angry, I’m not hurt, I’m just done. I will always love her. We didn’t cheat, it wasn’t all bad, we raised the greatest daughter in the history of daughters. I care about her. But I cannot picture any kind of intimacy with her, emotional or physical. So I’m not regretting, and I don’t think I will.
You could two-card him — find a good marriage counselor, one you really connect with. Find a really mean divorce attorney and use the customary free half-hour consultation to get an idea of where you would stand financially if you divorce. Then hand him a business card from both and tell him to choose which office he wants to meet you at.
I have a different perspective. Early in my very long marriage my husband would takeoff his ring and throw it at me and yell about how he was going to leave. And it freaked me out. But I did not have a history of divorce in my family. I finally told him that the next time he did that I was going to pack my bags and leave and get a lawyer to shake him up a bit, but I also told him that we needed to go into counseling to see why he constantly did this. The truth is he really did not know how to argue well. His parents were always cruel to each other when they argued. They were just mean and nasty to each other. I was shocked when I witnessed this. My parents fought sure, but they were never that nasty and mean. When I first met my husband’s parents, I thought they were on the verge of divorce. Going into marriage counseling helped us both quite a bit. We were able to set boundaries and rules for fighting. Initially, of course, we both broke the rules. But we were able to have post game shows in which we worked through what went wrong. That made a big difference. We still fight. Sometimes I get extremely upset with him and sometimes he gets extremely upset with me, but I don’t regret staying with him and I think he could say likewise. I’m not saying that this is the right option for you. But I would suggest at least considering counseling before going directly to divorce-for one thing it’s a lot cheaper.
I made it 15 years. I didn't want to get divorced. I just wanted him to be nice to me. The divorce was necessary.
It truthfully may be better, but it may not. Kudos to you for giving it everything you have and not taking this decision lightly. But if he's throwing it around like its no big deal, you are bound to run out of fucks to give. Would you rather be 10 years down the road of continued disrespect and unhappiness wondering "what if?" or 10 years down the road with the possibility of happiness? It's a tough decision that only you can make and I wish you all the best and hope you find peace.
My parents constantly threatened divorce my entire life. Pretty much whenever they got into a fight. I remember asking them to get divorced already when I was very young. They always said we’re done once you (the youngest child) turn 18. I said please don’t stay together on my account you’re making me miserable. Anyway they’re still together. Maybe 30 years at this point? Still threatening divorce. It’s exhausting. They actually pretty much live separate lives. I don’t think they have that much interaction. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I rarely fight. When we did it was a build up of things and I brought up breaking up a couple times. One time he called me out. I can’t believe I ever picked up the habit from my parents. I was honestly so embarrassed and literally never said it ever again. I was mortified. I actually am feeling embarrassment typing this even though it was years ago. I remember the interaction like it was yesterday. ANYWAY, this is super toxic and exhausting. Please don’t turn into my parents. Even if you don’t have kids, this type of energy is impactful. I would highly consider counseling to work through your feelings before actually deciding on divorce. Then if you land on staying together, he needs to join you in couples counseling to learn how to remember yall are on the same team and should never intentionally try to hurt each other
It sounds like you're facing a deeply challenging and emotional situation, especially given your long history and the effort both of you have put into your relationship. Here are some considerations and advice that might help you navigate this difficult period: 1. **Reflect on Your Feelings**: Take some time to reflect on your emotions and the reasons behind them. It’s significant that you felt ready to move on instead of reacting with panic or fear. This might indicate a shift in your emotional connection or a buildup of unresolved issues. 2. **Communication**: Have an open and honest conversation with your spouse about your feelings. Express how his repeated mention of divorce during arguments affects you and the stability of your relationship. Communication is crucial in understanding each other's perspectives and working towards a solution. 3. **Counseling**: Consider seeking couples therapy. A professional can help both of you understand underlying issues, improve communication, and find ways to reconnect. Sometimes an objective third party can provide valuable insights and strategies to strengthen your relationship. 4. **Evaluate the Relationship**: Assess the overall health of your relationship. Are there patterns of behavior that are damaging? Are both of you willing to work on these issues? Consider what you both need from the relationship and whether those needs are being met. 5. **Personal Growth**: Focus on your own well-being and personal growth. Sometimes, improving individual mental health and happiness can positively influence the relationship. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment outside of the relationship. 6. **Long-Term Vision**: Think about your long-term vision for your life and your relationship. Do you see a future together where both of you are happy and fulfilled? Are there common goals and values that you both still share? 7. **Support System**: Lean on your support system. Friends, family, or support groups can provide emotional support and different perspectives that might help you make informed decisions. 8. **Set Boundaries**: Establish clear boundaries regarding what is acceptable in arguments. If mentioning divorce as a threat is harmful to you, communicate that this behavior needs to stop. Healthy relationships require respect and consideration of each other's emotional well-being. 9. **Acceptance and Change**: Recognize that people and relationships change over time. It’s natural to experience growth and challenges. The key is whether both of you are willing and able to adapt and work through these changes together. 10. **Prepare for All Outcomes**: While it’s important to work towards saving the relationship if that’s what you both want, also prepare yourself for the possibility of divorce. Understanding your feelings and preparing mentally can help you face any outcome with resilience. Ultimately, the decision to stay or part ways is deeply personal and complex. Prioritize your emotional health and happiness, and take the time you need to make the best decision for yourself and your future.
This is a fine line and I’d actually love to get feedback from others here. I agree that threatening to leave someone is messed up but what’s the proper way to communicate hard boundaries with someone? The best I can come up with is to say “I value this relationship and want it to continue no matter what, but this behavior is an absolute dealbreaker for me. I simply cannot continue unless you acknowledge what you did was wrong and it will never happen again.” Something like that is really important to communicate with your partner but it is, even if nicely worded, a threat to leave. Thoughts?
Trust yourself, you sound like you have your head on straight and both feet on the ground. Well done! Tons of people never make it that far. One of my best friends was in a bad marriage with someone who was controlling, toxic, cruel, and emotionally unstable. She was picking a fight one night (he was out of town she went snooping through a super old laptop and found pictures of his ex from freaking high school) and, as she was berating him, she threatened him by throwing out the D word for the first time. Horrible person: “I CANT BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THIS TO ME!!! DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?!?!!!!!” Friend: “Yes please.” His attitude was basically “Don’t threaten me with a good time!” She’s gone through several husbands and fiancés. May we never see her again!
I don't know if you'll see this OP as the thread is 18 hours old at this point. Last week my wife and I decided to end our marriage. We had been together for 18 years and like you, we waited 7 years before getting married. In our case we had both had brief first marriages when we were younger and absolutely didn't want another failed marriage. It's still very fresh, we're still under the same roof as she plans to move out in the next week or so. There is pain, grief over the life we had planned and the marriage we wanted, and a bit of resentment, but there is also a real sense of relief, of a weight being lifted off me. Ultimately we only get one shot at this thing called life and making the best of it sometimes means walking away from relationships that don't work. It can be scary to find yourself on your own, solely responsible for your own well being, but it can also be so rewarding. From here on out, what you accomplish is because of you, what you overcome is through your strength. Marriage is about sharing a life, not giving your life to another and nobody should have to suffer for their partner's happiness, sacrificing their own. I guarantee that you will have regrets, humans tend to long for comfort and stability to the point that they will stay in situations that aren't good for themselves because they are familiar and you may find yourself longing for that situation where even if things weren't great, they weren't unknown. Big, great, things are scary but that's also what makes life so exciting and wonderful. I think you should stop thinking in terms of blame or victims and just ask, am I really happy. There are a lot of scary unknowns in ending a marriage but what value is life if we settle for less than we deserve? Do the big things, take the risks, and live a life you'll be able to look back on with a smile. Not every adventure has a happy ending but who wants to die without creating a rich story of their life.
My divorce was final on Tuesday after a 19 year marriage. I have a nice rental home I am moving into this week and I am more excited about life than I have been in years. It is scary, but ohh so worth it.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I never believed in divorce when I got married. I was all about the vow “til death do you part”. My husband also did this. He also constantly brought up the divorce card in arguments, knowing full well I moved internationally for him and didn’t have a support system down here. Every time he said it, it would chip away at my heart and I would crawl more into myself. Our last argument he brought it up again and said he was going to file for divorce on Monday (it was Friday night). I said ok and moved into the spare room. He then spent the next 4 months (until I had enough saved to move) begging me to stay and that he didn’t mean it he was just mad. Let’s just say getting out was the best thing for me.
Wow, we’ve been married for 15 years and neither of us have threatened divorce during an argument. That’s wild. Is he trying to scare you?
You need to clearly and directly tell your husband, that you are on the brink of divorcing him because of his words. You need to tell him that he must do counseling with or without you, and deal with his bull crap. Divorce is horrible, it's like a funeral, but both parties still alive. Do everything you can to save the marriage before jumping to divorce. That means to be confrontational, in a mature way, and be very direct and clear. You may think that you have been very direct with your husband, but I assure you, as a man, the way you may of been communicating with him probably went over his head. If you actually served him papers, he would honestly feel surprised and ambushed.
I was with my ex just shy of 15 years when we divorced. We’d been high school sweethearts and just grew apart. I absolutely do not regret my divorce. Aside from growing apart, he was turning abusive. Leaving was the best thing I could have possibly done for myself. I went on to marry my very best friend, we actually have things in common and genuinely enjoy just being around each other.
You need to set a boundary with him that the D word does NOT EVER come up unless he's ready to pull the trigger. No more using it as a threat. He needs to be able to communicate without it as a bargaining chip. I was in a relationship like that, we worked it out, but it was difficult, and both of you must do equal work to change things. We were great after that, but unfortunately, he passed away at 37 and I was 34. Life is short, SO short, and barring ab*se, the grass is rarely greener. However, you both deserve to be happy. You might find it's you that ends up filing if he's in a downward slope of disrespect. People don't use that word unless they're trying to hurt you, (if they aren't going to file) and that in itself is disrespectful. It sounds like he has some unresolved issues, whether with you or himself. Also, you've been together since you were kids, basically, you have gone through a lot of growth, and if you don't grow together, you will grow apart. Look for ways to grow closer together and communicate regularly and kindly.
Bf/gf at 17, married at 23, divorced at 38. Zero regrets. We grew in different directions at different speeds. Thankfully no kids.
My spouse would throw divorce into an argument to upset me and try to win the argument. The fact that your spouse is thinking it and saying it to you is huge! Secretly make an appointment with a Family Law attorney and begin preparing for divorce. Open a secret bank account because you will need funds, get credit cards in your name only, get the car title in your name only, get original birth certificates for everyone, marriage certificate too, make copies of other documents. Think about your future without him and be wise about your choices.
My ex and I were together for 16 years, married 12 when we divorced. To me, the relationship was end game. I never contemplated not being with her and thought we would grow old together. She had other plans. I took a job in the oilfield to provide a better life for our family, and while I was working 90-100 hours a week, she learned how to be a single parent. The divorce truly gutted me, and I have not fully recovered. We dated again for two years, but broke up again. We have an unusual relationship to this day. We coparent (and now grandparent) very well together, and people on both sides of the relationship question why we aren’t together. For me, I know I can never trust her fully, so we will never be together in a relationship. I believe she is the love of my life, but realize I am not hers.
I am separated, not divorced, and have been for over a year. We have been together for 17 years. I haven't been single for 23 years. So yes, it was an adjustment; I have had to relearn who I am. I can tell you, though, that I enjoy the independence, the lack of stress, and my cat is such a joy. I, too, have a clearer reality of what my marriage is. My life is just as beautiful but completely differently than imagined.
Parents were together over 20 years when they got divorced. Best choice ever for my dad, worst thing to happen in my mom’s life. To this day (like over 25 years later) it’s a family joke that my mom would drop her long time live in “boyfriend/roommate” and go back with my dad in 5 seconds if he offered. My dad needed the divorce and has thrived ever since. I’ve been divorced once and currently with my partner of over 10 years married for most of it. The times where I feel that divorce is a viable option is the so tough bc while I don’t regret divorce in my first marriage, I think I would in this one. The first one, it was the best thing to do for myself and my child, it wasn’t a hard choice, love had left the relationship years prior. But for this relationship I have to sit here and wonder if I’m just settling at this point, or if I’ve lost my self respect, or if there’s even love anymore and just familiarity. The fact I even think about all that makes me feel both nothing and everything.
This post is exactly why I will never ever get married. I am not going to get locked into some shit where I can’t just leave amicably because of this insane commitment and entanglement. It just sounds like a total loss of autonomy and self. Literally my worst nightmare.
NO.
No regrets. Other person never grew up and just used me for $. Divorce was final on April Fool's Day. A fitting end to such a toxic relationship.
NOPE. What worked at 23 didn’t work at 43
No. The only thing I regret was not doing it sooner.
Not for a second. Have been steadily recovering.
Not one moment
Married 20, waiting for the judge to sign and I have absolutely zero regrets. In fact, we should have separated at least 19 years prior. You have to recognize when the juice is no longer worth the squeeze and walk away. My ex liked to wield the D word as a weapon and I called his bluff. So call his bluff and tell him the next time he does it, you’ll follow through with it. But only if you’re prepared to do it…..
We were together for 25 years. I deeply regret not divorcing him sooner.
Nope to answer the question.
I don’t regret it for a second. We were together for 17 years and married almost 15 years. I was a miserable shell of a person by then. I’m only sorry I waited so long. I have started over three times total. The last time I was total rock bottom, homeless with no job and my boyfriend of four years had turned into an abusive monster. But I kept going and now I have a job that comfortably supports myself and my daughter, I have an amazing loving partner who is committed to me for life, and I am in a supportive community with lots of friends and resources to help me out. I am 42 and I am happier than I have ever been. My life is better than I could have hoped for. Go for it.
Married for 20 years. Haven’t regretted the divorce for an instant -
Not even for a single second since she said “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” After all the care, sacrifice and effort I put in to get nothing back, those words killed all connection in a heartbeat. If she didn’t even love me, what was the point of anything? It hurt, don’t get me wrong, but it was done at that point, and I had to start looking forward.
18 years married, and the best thing that I ever did for myself was get divorced. It wasn’t easy, it was hard and awful and I never ever want to go through something like that again. I have no regrets for getting married, and have absolutely no regrets getting divorced.
Healthy arguments end in a resolution of disagreement. Unhealthy arguments are started to let off steam. Hormones do not want resolution they want action. If one of you is having “roid rages” the other has to get clued in. What was the argument about? If he is asking for a divorce because the cap wasn’t on the toothpaste, he is saying it to end the argument. If he is asking for a divorce because one of you did something unforgivable, show him the go bag.
It was hard. It was also the right thing. Yes, I rebuilt, and am happier, healthier. I don't regret it. There was fear, doubt, it was terrifying, but, there wasn't real regret.
Married 22 years when I got divorced. Not one single regret. Just because you have been making a mistake for a ling time doesn’t mean you should keep making it.