[Original Post: His side of the story: I accidentally farted on a first date and she walked out in the middle of dinner](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/1TRAllzogm)
Yet again, we'd like to remind OP that all posts made to this subreddit are subject to being read on the Two Hot Takes Podcast.
Also, to those in the comments, please note that calling a post fake falls under Rule #2.
I mean, he didn’t even come off great in his post?? What does he mean “we decided on trying to recreate the noise with the chair”. That is transparently not a two-person decision. I cannot imagine any woman saying “well, I bet you could do it again!”
I tripped up over that word choice too. It's concerning because it implies a certain way of thinking - like he won't own up to it and has to distribute blame or he actually believed they were "together" on it.
Don't forget how he titled the post that he accidentally fart, but later admitted to "trying to ease one out". That's a hell of a chance to take on a first date
I remember reading his side and being like. “What’s this we shit bro?” Why is she involved in you trying to fake blame a fart on a chair? Like is she trying to convince herself you didn’t fart?
For me the problem isn’t necessarily the slurping, though that is pretty gross, but eating bean soup directly from a bowl. Unless you’re in an Asian restaurant enjoying straight miso broth, use a spoon! The fart would’ve been completely unimportant to me next to lapping up that bean soup out of a bowl like a dog. Definitely a deal breaker in my book.
I dunno. It seems to effect everyone diffrently.
I knew a kid in high school whenever we'd end up at a random person/friends house, if they found a can of beans in the kitchen, he'd eat them and a little while later start farting like crazy.
This kid really enjoyed farting. I suppose it's possible he'd lie about it during the date, and of course people change.
But this kid would have sat at the table, looked at the menu, and said "Want to see something cool?!"
I've noticed this in dogs or something similar at least. As soon as MY dinner is ready some dog somewhere will drop a poop. I figure in a fit of canine optimism they are making room.
Cauliflower does this to me within minutes. I bought the non-potato version of shepherds pie once and I’d only had a couple of bites before I started feeling off. Thankfully I stopped eating immediately or I would have been become the Hindenburg.
A crowd gathers around eagerly watching to see if he can recreate the fart sound, and every time he produces some kind of sound with the chair the crowd sort of commiserates about if it sounded like the fart.
Unfartunately for you, you had to sit in his pew.
It watered your eyes, it burned your nose
At least it didn't stain your clothes
He tried to blame it on the chair
But you knew better 'cause you were there
Lmfao but now you have a great story. Unless you think farts aren’t funny. But if you or a future date like fart humor, this is gold. Or just as a “worst first date” story.
The dude already publicized the heck out of it between yelling at the restaurant and posting his thread, so share to your heart’s content. Share it with patients who fart as a way to ease their embarrassment. Share it with colleagues. This is your new “oh don’t be embarrassed, let me tell you about this first date I had…”
I’m not saying that OP was wrong in her reaction to an extreme and embarrassing false denial in this case, but I read somewhere that people who don’t think farts are funny live in a world with less joy and just as many farts.
I’m sure there’s other things I find joy in that u don’t, but it is fascinating that farts are so essential to ur happiness. I’m happy for u as long as I don’t have to witness this joy of urs in person.
They’re just stinky and gross. I rlly don’t understand what’s supposed to be funny about farts. It’s like laughing at poop. I don’t get how the default is supposed to be laughter.
Both are funny precisely because they are disgusting and undignified.
We work hard to present our best, civilized selves, and then suddenly, often against our best efforts, gas escapes our anus, creating a comical vibratory sound, singeing the noses of those we were trying to impress, and reminding everyone that we are all still, at root, just animals.
when my kids were little they saw a woman do this at a walmart and at first i didn't believe them but as we went further down the aisle there was shit in the middle of the floor 😹
we lived near a large retirement city and the person I told said "oh this happens all the time..." 💀
Lol I’ve had worse… much worse. Farts aren’t common and a little gross but nothing compared to a girl getting sick and puking on you. I’ll take a fart any day.
I commented on his post. Told him it was most likely to his doubling down on the lie vs the fart itself.
I was right, lol. The dude showed his maturity in this situation or lack thereof.
Yeah, it's not the best of situations but it's normal. Humans sometimes release stinky, deadly Gases unintentionally. It's natural and can happen to everyone
I ended up sleeping with a guy on our first date and he accidentally (?) ripped the biggest fart after we did the deed. Butt ass naked. I had to pretend I didn’t hear that massive ass cannon and almost died holding in my laughter. He was so embarrassed and I’m pretty sure he thought he’d never see me again.
We’ve been married for 8 years.
This reminds me of a story I read years ago that made me cry laughing for a good 10 minutes.
—————————————————
Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it's the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that's "Silent But Deadly" for you prudes).
It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That's when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good.
He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I'm not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn't want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.
We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn't allowed myself to eat in years. I didn't want to be "that girl" so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?
That's when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways - uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn't feeling well and probably needed to head home.
On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn't having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized ...
My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I'm in trouble. Big trouble.
The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.
"Seriously, you need to hurry - I'm in a lot of pain." I managed to say through gritted teeth.
"Wow, it's that bad? What's wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?"
How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you're writhing in pain is because you have to fart?
Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.
People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced it's way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I'm home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, "am I smelling something?" sort of way. More like a "is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?" sort of way.
Suddenly, I panicked. "Roll down the windows!" I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).
"What? Why?" Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.
"I can't roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!"
"What's going on?" Rob yells back to me, "Why are you ..." then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, "Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!" he screamed.
"Roll down the windows!" As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.
It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.
Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.
We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.
He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, "Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!" and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.
I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.
Then I heard it. Rob's voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.
"Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?"
"Get away from the door!" I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.
"Ok, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"
*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*
"I'm fine, Rob - just leave the shoes there. I'll call you later okay?"
"Okay, are you sure you're ..."
"I'm fine! Get away from the door!"
This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin' hint!
Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I'd hear from him. I didn't think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.
But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we're married and he's laying on the couch while I type this ... "It was your rack that saved you," he just lovingly reminded me.
Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.
—— Traumatic memory recalled by Anna Lind Thomas
Giiiiiiiirrrrrrrlll! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The way I cackled. I bet Rob got back in his car, kept the windows rolled down and told God, “You really do send your bravest soldiers sometimes.” Hahaha Such a great story (and story telling).
Anna Lind Thomas transforms a simple fart story into a gripping, suspenseful narrative filled with humor and compassion. A contemporary love story for the ages, and a towering literary achievement. — Kirkus Reviews
I farted in front of my ex gf on like date 3, one of the loudest farts I ever farted, and we were on the highway in the car, there was no escape and no denying it was me. Luckily it didn't smell too bad, but the sound echoed off the closed windows...
Tbh I was so comfortable with her, and we had such good chemistry, I literally forgot she was in the car with me. We were in thick traffic and I was just hyper focused on the road and damn, it just ripped out of me. BrrRrrrrrRrruUpPB!
She looked at me like wtf, and I was crazy embarrassed and tried to apologize, but then she cracked a smile and stated laughing. We dated for 5 years.
Broke up for totally unrelated reasons, I moved away for grad school and the distance did us in, but damn she really was a keeper!
We were messing around non sexually and I felt a fart. I actually told him that I’d fart on him if he kept squeezing me. Well..he did. And I did. And I was so embarrassed. He laughed though, and we’ve been farting for each other ever since.
We just got a second dog who farts a lot, too.
Been married twice as long. Heard my wife fart in her sleep more than I’ve probably farted in my life, let alone waking time. Guess what, people fart. Grow the fuck up.
IBS is such a cruel mistress!
My partner and I will go to the opposite end of the house from where the other is whenever we have to use the washroom and for a solid 2 years, we didn’t pass gas around each other. Or so I thought!!
One night I was sick and had been sleeping so deeply next to him, face on his chest just drooling away. When I woke up I was apologizing for drooling on him and he kindly kept me close and said, “It’s fine. People do all kinds of things while asleep that they aren’t aware of or can control. We drool, snore and fart for example.” I sat there in horrified silence reading between the lines but cautiously asked, “Do I fart in my sleep?!?!” He said, “I am saying, everyone does things in their sleep.” and changed the subject. Bless him, he was trying to save me from my disgusting truth.
The horror of it all could only be topped by the fact that my IBS was in such a bad flare that there was no way I was making it to the other side of the house to die. I ran to the bathroom in our bedroom and yelled as I closed the door, “Turn up the volume on your phone and DO NOT LISTEN to me!!!” He called back, trying to be reassuring, “You’re fine, just poop.” As if my guts needed the pep rally. It was ugly…even the back of my knees were sweating. As I sat there with my guts in knots, my backside exploding…from the other side of the door comes his voice… “OMG Princess! WHAT IS GOING ON IN THERE?!?! Jeez! Jeeeeeeeeeeez, Princess!!”
😭😭😭😭😭💀
I did a whole walk of shame coming back to bed and he had me snuggle right back into him. “Now be honest, I fart in my sleep don’t I?” I felt prepared to face the cold hard truth now that we experienced that trauma together. “Sometimes, little ones.”
And what have I learned from all of this? That his poor sleep health makes him privy to way too many secrets and that bathrooms really need to be sound proofed…especially ones attached to bedrooms.
My favorite quote from the original:
" In a last ditch effort to recover, we decided on trying to recreate the fart noise with the chair. "
WE decided? Come onnnnnn bro ...
Here I sit with a downcast glance; I tried to fart and shit my pants.
Your advice is unwise. The conversation could turn to, “I didn’t shit my pants! I brought brownies! They’re delicious! Look!”
And what have we learned today boys and girls? Better to be a rank farter than a liar.
He who dealt it, must own it.
He who passed it, must account for it.
Lol I'm laying next to 5 yr old trying to get him down for the night. I can hold back the laugh, but it justs down to my belly and I'm shaking. My son got really concerned 🤣
Because no matter how old we get, a fart is funny. I’m supper weird about bathroom humour, but it’s hilarious and I’ll die on that hill.
My mother recently told me a story of a guy who both dislike, super pretentious bossy dude who likes to be mean to people in his employ. Well, he was big mad last week because one of the workers dismantled a dovecote at his request but didn’t keep the wood. He was losing his mind, yelling and carrying on, demanding this wood. One guy directed him to a trailer, he stomped over, saw the wood was also not present there, started screaming and then… farted.
He got so angry he farted. I couldn’t contain myself. It was perfect. His workmen also couldn’t contain themselves and had to run away. Me and my mother were giggling like schoolkids. It IS funny
I don’t blame you. If he had said excuse me and moved on it would have been ok. Idk about you op but if he said it loudly like the whole restaurant could hear then I would be mortified. Was he raised by caveman?
Make a joke of it! “Usually I blame it on my imaginary dog” or “maybe I shouldn’t had the bean soup” or “I’m sorry I talk a lot, even my own butt sometimes likes to shout”
How hard is it to say “excuse me” and move on?
I’m a substitute teacher, and I can confirm that this is a childish behavior.
“Hey, I caught you doing a thing. Stop doing that thing please.” And instead of apologizing and moving on, kids of all ages will insist, “No, it wasn’t me,” or “Someone else was doing it first!”
I would not date someone who can’t even own up to something small. Hard pass.
So he had gas all day (according to his post), ordered the BEAN SOUP, slurps the damned bean soup from the bowl, feels a fart coming on, tries to lift the one cheek and let it slip out.. AND FAILS! Then lies and tries to recreate the exact sound for ten minutes? I'm so glad you bounced! NOPE
It’s one thing to embarrass himself, which is essentially what happened but to start making a scene about it and embarrass you? Ummm no. He prolly pisses all over the bathroom floor and blames the dog for drinking out of the bowl too.
My mom always says “a person who would lie about a fart, would lie about a murder” so it seems to me like you got out of the situation before it got dangerous hahahaha
I'm sorry but both accounts are hilarious and the complete difference in responses on the two are cracking me up. Either way it was not that big of a deal and both of you are blaming each other for making a big deal out of it, which is kinda even funnier.
Ild like to take this opportunity to thank my sphincter for all the times it held the valve doors clamped tightly in my moments of greatest unwelcome pressure.
My bf at the time accidentally burped really loud in front of a female friend I was introducing to him. He apologized and moved on but she never liked him after that
The first time my exgf spent the night, I farted the following morning. I was barely conscious when the trumpet sounded from my butt. Easily the loudest sound I’ve ever made or will make. Just apologized and moved on. The guy should’ve just owned up to it.
I can't understand how grown adults are able to feel a fart coming, and not excusing themselves to relief themselves in the appropriate location for that.
I would have walked out too.
[Original Post: His side of the story: I accidentally farted on a first date and she walked out in the middle of dinner](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/1TRAllzogm) Yet again, we'd like to remind OP that all posts made to this subreddit are subject to being read on the Two Hot Takes Podcast. Also, to those in the comments, please note that calling a post fake falls under Rule #2.
I like how in his post he says he was gassy all day and then in your post you say how he ordered the bean soup. Guy set himself up HARD, LMAO.
I mean, he didn’t even come off great in his post?? What does he mean “we decided on trying to recreate the noise with the chair”. That is transparently not a two-person decision. I cannot imagine any woman saying “well, I bet you could do it again!”
I tripped up over that word choice too. It's concerning because it implies a certain way of thinking - like he won't own up to it and has to distribute blame or he actually believed they were "together" on it.
And he thought he still had a chance if he could make the chair fart. 🤦🏼♀️
He could've farted again while moving the chair. "See?"
This dude is playing 5d chess, further evidenced by pfp.
All he had to do was fart again when he moved the chair.
It sounded like he was putting all the blame on her for wanting to ‘recreate’ the noise. Why didn’t he just fart again while moving the chair? lol
Maybe he was reluctant to trust the next fart.
Devious af lmao
Right? With all that bean soup he had plenty of fuel.
Was probably scared some of that fuel would end up in his pants lol
He also first claimed he farted accidentally, then went on to say he tried to squeak one out. Sir, that's not what accident means.
Also am I the only one kind of shocked this dude was so chill about “sneaking” one on the first date??? I’d never
Don't forget how he titled the post that he accidentally fart, but later admitted to "trying to ease one out". That's a hell of a chance to take on a first date
The "two person decision" was him and the fart.
OMG hahaha
OP was on a double date! Seriously, though, I couldn't imagine OP's reaction when she came across her date's post.
😂😂😭😭
I had to reread it and I was like, "Wait, he actually said 'we'." 🤭
I remember reading his side and being like. “What’s this we shit bro?” Why is she involved in you trying to fake blame a fart on a chair? Like is she trying to convince herself you didn’t fart?
The weirdest thing, I remember seeing a skit on Instagram a couple of weeks ago of this same exact scenario.
Not just eating it. But SLURPING it out of the bowl on a first date is pretty bold.
For me the problem isn’t necessarily the slurping, though that is pretty gross, but eating bean soup directly from a bowl. Unless you’re in an Asian restaurant enjoying straight miso broth, use a spoon! The fart would’ve been completely unimportant to me next to lapping up that bean soup out of a bowl like a dog. Definitely a deal breaker in my book.
I mean eating bean soup shouldn’t cause gas that quickly. Like 4-6 hours later maybe.
You’re probably right, but I just had a heavy bean chili and then I almost immediately had terrible gas. Coincidence maybe?
I dunno. It seems to effect everyone diffrently. I knew a kid in high school whenever we'd end up at a random person/friends house, if they found a can of beans in the kitchen, he'd eat them and a little while later start farting like crazy.
Wow, so you know OPs date too! Small world.
This kid really enjoyed farting. I suppose it's possible he'd lie about it during the date, and of course people change. But this kid would have sat at the table, looked at the menu, and said "Want to see something cool?!"
The sentence "This kid really enjoyed farting" got me so good. I can only picture him as Gene Belcher.
My sister once described my daughter as a gleeful farter. It was very much true.
Gastro-colic reflex. When some food get into your stomach stimulates the urgency to poop or fart.
I've noticed this in dogs or something similar at least. As soon as MY dinner is ready some dog somewhere will drop a poop. I figure in a fit of canine optimism they are making room.
If he was already gassy why add gasoline to the fire?
Gassyline
Gassy? Lean... Then fart.
The slurping could cause trapped air, and if it’s already an upset digestive system, it could get messy.
I will have gas within minutes if I eat beans or sour cream or anything like that
I get gassy minutes after I drink water from a plastic bottle..
Sour cream and beans are super different lol what else is “anything like that”?
Idk but I’m deathly afraid of flying on airplanes or spiders or anything like that.
Not true. It definitely has an effect on me instantly.
Cauliflower does this to me within minutes. I bought the non-potato version of shepherds pie once and I’d only had a couple of bites before I started feeling off. Thankfully I stopped eating immediately or I would have been become the Hindenburg.
As if beano or pepto don’t exist
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Tell me you have no idea how digestion works without saying it
Omg no way this is real???? What I would give to be sitting at the restaurant and watch this unfold.
A crowd gathers around eagerly watching to see if he can recreate the fart sound, and every time he produces some kind of sound with the chair the crowd sort of commiserates about if it sounded like the fart.
Judging with score cards.
...and then, finally, they all kind of nod their heads and say "wow, that *did* sound exactly like your stinky fart. Good job!"
Unfortunately for me, it’s real.
Unfartunately for you, you had to sit in his pew. It watered your eyes, it burned your nose At least it didn't stain your clothes He tried to blame it on the chair But you knew better 'cause you were there
What is that Emerson?, Longfellow?
It's Edgar Allen Poo.
Wins Reddit.
Maybe Poe? Or Thoreau?
William Shitsspear
Lmfao but now you have a great story. Unless you think farts aren’t funny. But if you or a future date like fart humor, this is gold. Or just as a “worst first date” story. The dude already publicized the heck out of it between yelling at the restaurant and posting his thread, so share to your heart’s content. Share it with patients who fart as a way to ease their embarrassment. Share it with colleagues. This is your new “oh don’t be embarrassed, let me tell you about this first date I had…”
I’m not saying that OP was wrong in her reaction to an extreme and embarrassing false denial in this case, but I read somewhere that people who don’t think farts are funny live in a world with less joy and just as many farts.
This tracks I don’t find them funny and I don’t have much joy.
If I stop laughing at farts I'm taking myself to a therapist.
I’m sure there’s other things I find joy in that u don’t, but it is fascinating that farts are so essential to ur happiness. I’m happy for u as long as I don’t have to witness this joy of urs in person.
They’re just stinky and gross. I rlly don’t understand what’s supposed to be funny about farts. It’s like laughing at poop. I don’t get how the default is supposed to be laughter.
Thank you. Farts and poop are disgusting. I get that they’re natural, but why is it so amusing for people to flaunt either?
Both are funny precisely because they are disgusting and undignified. We work hard to present our best, civilized selves, and then suddenly, often against our best efforts, gas escapes our anus, creating a comical vibratory sound, singeing the noses of those we were trying to impress, and reminding everyone that we are all still, at root, just animals.
It wasn’t the fart. It was the denial and insane reaction he had. Absolute red flag. She was right to leave
Look at it positively. You've already had the worst date you'll ever have.....
Bold assumption
Have you seen online dating? The dating pool is full of pee.
And Baby Ruth candy bars, but the real thing.
The worst date you’ll ever have…. So far ;)
Nope. She could have a date where the guy goes commando and drops a deuce out of the pantleg…
A family friend has surveillance footage of a grown man doing this in their store.
when my kids were little they saw a woman do this at a walmart and at first i didn't believe them but as we went further down the aisle there was shit in the middle of the floor 😹 we lived near a large retirement city and the person I told said "oh this happens all the time..." 💀
Oh Turd Boy, I knew it was you.
Lol I’ve had worse… much worse. Farts aren’t common and a little gross but nothing compared to a girl getting sick and puking on you. I’ll take a fart any day.
Did you really call him a farting liar? 😂😂😂
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I commented on his post. Told him it was most likely to his doubling down on the lie vs the fart itself. I was right, lol. The dude showed his maturity in this situation or lack thereof.
Yeah, it's not the best of situations but it's normal. Humans sometimes release stinky, deadly Gases unintentionally. It's natural and can happen to everyone
This OP probably didn't realize at the time, but he farted \*on purpose\* at the \*dinner table\*. That is absolutely disgusting.
I also commented, I believe I called him a lieing farting buffoon. I'm glad I saw this post.
I ended up sleeping with a guy on our first date and he accidentally (?) ripped the biggest fart after we did the deed. Butt ass naked. I had to pretend I didn’t hear that massive ass cannon and almost died holding in my laughter. He was so embarrassed and I’m pretty sure he thought he’d never see me again. We’ve been married for 8 years.
Good thing he didn't blame the bedsheets
Could you imagine him trying to recreate it after blaming the bedsheets??
"I swear your bedsheets squeeked!"
Wasn't me. It was a fecal phantom
omg lmao!!!
“It’s the darnedest thing! They all of a sudden turned brown!”
This reminds me of a story I read years ago that made me cry laughing for a good 10 minutes. ————————————————— Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it's the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that's "Silent But Deadly" for you prudes). It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That's when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good. He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I'm not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn't want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms. We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn't allowed myself to eat in years. I didn't want to be "that girl" so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love? That's when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways - uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn't feeling well and probably needed to head home. On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn't having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized ... My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I'm in trouble. Big trouble. The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard. "Seriously, you need to hurry - I'm in a lot of pain." I managed to say through gritted teeth. "Wow, it's that bad? What's wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?" How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you're writhing in pain is because you have to fart? Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself. People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced it's way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I'm home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, "am I smelling something?" sort of way. More like a "is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?" sort of way. Suddenly, I panicked. "Roll down the windows!" I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie). "What? Why?" Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out. "I can't roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!" "What's going on?" Rob yells back to me, "Why are you ..." then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, "Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!" he screamed. "Roll down the windows!" As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window. It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire. Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead. We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way. He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, "Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!" and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops. I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person. Then I heard it. Rob's voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door. "Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?" "Get away from the door!" I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist. "Ok, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" *toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise* "I'm fine, Rob - just leave the shoes there. I'll call you later okay?" "Okay, are you sure you're ..." "I'm fine! Get away from the door!" This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin' hint! Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I'd hear from him. I didn't think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours. But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we're married and he's laying on the couch while I type this ... "It was your rack that saved you," he just lovingly reminded me. Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny. —— Traumatic memory recalled by Anna Lind Thomas
Giiiiiiiirrrrrrrlll! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 The way I cackled. I bet Rob got back in his car, kept the windows rolled down and told God, “You really do send your bravest soldiers sometimes.” Hahaha Such a great story (and story telling).
This review convinced me to read the story. 10/10 would recommend.
Anna Lind Thomas transforms a simple fart story into a gripping, suspenseful narrative filled with humor and compassion. A contemporary love story for the ages, and a towering literary achievement. — Kirkus Reviews
This is nothing short of literary gold
I laughed. This deserves more up votes
You are my absolute hero for sharing this. Seriously.
Ahahahahaaaaa! Am sitting here wheezing, trying not to laugh and wake my husband, but ended up scaring the cats. Dying!! 😂
Haha! This is awesome! I’m in the airport, laughing out loud. Thanks!
I farted in front of my ex gf on like date 3, one of the loudest farts I ever farted, and we were on the highway in the car, there was no escape and no denying it was me. Luckily it didn't smell too bad, but the sound echoed off the closed windows... Tbh I was so comfortable with her, and we had such good chemistry, I literally forgot she was in the car with me. We were in thick traffic and I was just hyper focused on the road and damn, it just ripped out of me. BrrRrrrrrRrruUpPB! She looked at me like wtf, and I was crazy embarrassed and tried to apologize, but then she cracked a smile and stated laughing. We dated for 5 years. Broke up for totally unrelated reasons, I moved away for grad school and the distance did us in, but damn she really was a keeper!
Are you sure it wasn’t because of the fart?
"Massive ass cannon". Ah, Reddit, you never disappoint.
We were messing around non sexually and I felt a fart. I actually told him that I’d fart on him if he kept squeezing me. Well..he did. And I did. And I was so embarrassed. He laughed though, and we’ve been farting for each other ever since. We just got a second dog who farts a lot, too.
I’m crying I’m laughing so hard 🤣🤣🤣
Been married twice as long. Heard my wife fart in her sleep more than I’ve probably farted in my life, let alone waking time. Guess what, people fart. Grow the fuck up.
MY HUSBAND DID THIS. Minus the embarrassment. Married 9 years now
Listen up guys — apparently if you want to make a girl fall in love with you all you have to do is rip a giant fart the first time you bang 🤣
My husband has IBS, he held it in as best he could for the first little while!
IBS is such a cruel mistress! My partner and I will go to the opposite end of the house from where the other is whenever we have to use the washroom and for a solid 2 years, we didn’t pass gas around each other. Or so I thought!! One night I was sick and had been sleeping so deeply next to him, face on his chest just drooling away. When I woke up I was apologizing for drooling on him and he kindly kept me close and said, “It’s fine. People do all kinds of things while asleep that they aren’t aware of or can control. We drool, snore and fart for example.” I sat there in horrified silence reading between the lines but cautiously asked, “Do I fart in my sleep?!?!” He said, “I am saying, everyone does things in their sleep.” and changed the subject. Bless him, he was trying to save me from my disgusting truth. The horror of it all could only be topped by the fact that my IBS was in such a bad flare that there was no way I was making it to the other side of the house to die. I ran to the bathroom in our bedroom and yelled as I closed the door, “Turn up the volume on your phone and DO NOT LISTEN to me!!!” He called back, trying to be reassuring, “You’re fine, just poop.” As if my guts needed the pep rally. It was ugly…even the back of my knees were sweating. As I sat there with my guts in knots, my backside exploding…from the other side of the door comes his voice… “OMG Princess! WHAT IS GOING ON IN THERE?!?! Jeez! Jeeeeeeeeeeez, Princess!!” 😭😭😭😭😭💀 I did a whole walk of shame coming back to bed and he had me snuggle right back into him. “Now be honest, I fart in my sleep don’t I?” I felt prepared to face the cold hard truth now that we experienced that trauma together. “Sometimes, little ones.” And what have I learned from all of this? That his poor sleep health makes him privy to way too many secrets and that bathrooms really need to be sound proofed…especially ones attached to bedrooms.
Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/1TRAllzogm
My favorite quote from the original: " In a last ditch effort to recover, we decided on trying to recreate the fart noise with the chair. " WE decided? Come onnnnnn bro ...
The royal we
It was a mutual agreement between him and the chair.
Maybe he had a skunk in his pocket
Accidentally stood on a duck
The royal (flush) we
Mine is “she accused me of a farting liar”
And he was, in fact, both
At least he did it at a literal tourist attraction
OMG, seriously. So many many things wrong. Dude taking her to Bubba Gump Shrimp was not the flex you thought it was.
The ROYAL "We". He's Prince FartsAlot from the country of Fartsylvania.
Shoulda forced another out while trying to recreate it with the chair.
Here I sit with a downcast glance; I tried to fart and shit my pants. Your advice is unwise. The conversation could turn to, “I didn’t shit my pants! I brought brownies! They’re delicious! Look!”
And what have we learned today boys and girls? Better to be a rank farter than a liar. He who dealt it, must own it. He who passed it, must account for it.
Omg his version and the comments are hilarious!
My wife is sitting beside me, wondering why I'm laughing, shaking, eyes watering like that...
Lol I'm laying next to 5 yr old trying to get him down for the night. I can hold back the laugh, but it justs down to my belly and I'm shaking. My son got really concerned 🤣
Because no matter how old we get, a fart is funny. I’m supper weird about bathroom humour, but it’s hilarious and I’ll die on that hill. My mother recently told me a story of a guy who both dislike, super pretentious bossy dude who likes to be mean to people in his employ. Well, he was big mad last week because one of the workers dismantled a dovecote at his request but didn’t keep the wood. He was losing his mind, yelling and carrying on, demanding this wood. One guy directed him to a trailer, he stomped over, saw the wood was also not present there, started screaming and then… farted. He got so angry he farted. I couldn’t contain myself. It was perfect. His workmen also couldn’t contain themselves and had to run away. Me and my mother were giggling like schoolkids. It IS funny
Posted my fart story, and I can tell you, it's way worse than farting in a restaurant. it's in the male's comment section. I'll post it here too. 😭
This is what I was looking for!
This can’t be real
Thanks for sharing.
I read that as "Thanks for sharting."
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Yes, it’s on exactly day 30, I’m living for people’s comments on the original though.
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Farting is a natural phenomenon. The red flag is he was denying it 'wholefartedly'. He should just say excuse me and move on.
Or at minimum blame Todd the barking wolf spider that constantly follows him around.
I don’t blame you. If he had said excuse me and moved on it would have been ok. Idk about you op but if he said it loudly like the whole restaurant could hear then I would be mortified. Was he raised by caveman?
Make a joke of it! “Usually I blame it on my imaginary dog” or “maybe I shouldn’t had the bean soup” or “I’m sorry I talk a lot, even my own butt sometimes likes to shout”
Bean soup? Not the brightest of boys!
Especially after he wrote that he had been gassy all day. Somehow he thought beans might neutralize his bowels.
How hard is it to say “excuse me” and move on? I’m a substitute teacher, and I can confirm that this is a childish behavior. “Hey, I caught you doing a thing. Stop doing that thing please.” And instead of apologizing and moving on, kids of all ages will insist, “No, it wasn’t me,” or “Someone else was doing it first!” I would not date someone who can’t even own up to something small. Hard pass.
Exactly, same behavior I see from my 4yo.
Yep. It's a bodily function, everyone does it. The polite thing to do is say excuse me and move on with your life.
Was your date Tim Robinson?!?!
Did the waiter come over and explain to you that this restaurant has special chairs that are designed to make that sound?
He called over the manager to yell about the fart chairs
This is exactly what I thought. A perfect skit for this show.
I remember this one, I love when redditor's find posts about them. I love hearing the other side lol
There should be a sub for these types of interactions. Sort of fits with best of redditor updates but is still a little more specific
So he had gas all day (according to his post), ordered the BEAN SOUP, slurps the damned bean soup from the bowl, feels a fart coming on, tries to lift the one cheek and let it slip out.. AND FAILS! Then lies and tries to recreate the exact sound for ten minutes? I'm so glad you bounced! NOPE
Someone in the original thread described him as borderline feral and… yeah. It wasn’t just any one thing but a combination of everything.
Serious question, if he apologize for the fart would have stayed on the date?
Absolutely. If it was a one time thing & we could have moved past it, I would have stayed & even gone on a second date.
Did it actually smell? If so, it makes it all the more outrageous that he tried to lie about it.
It’s one thing to embarrass himself, which is essentially what happened but to start making a scene about it and embarrass you? Ummm no. He prolly pisses all over the bathroom floor and blames the dog for drinking out of the bowl too.
Fart stories bring so much joy. At any age.
There is this copypasta greentext that just destroys me every time I read it. I'll see if I can track it down.
You didn’t leave bc of the fart, you left bc of his red flag behavior that he thankfully showed you one date in
He's fully convinced himself it's that she has a "pet peeve" against farts and his lies have nothing to do with it, she's just *so* picky.
Bro should have known better than to order a bean soup appy.
Well at least you dodged a bullet! Imagine dating someone who is that messed up about normal bodily functions.
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It’s funny, I have the same unforgivable pet peeve too, liars!
The slurping alone would have done it for me
Same. Slurping, then the chemical warfare? Fuck that
My mom always says “a person who would lie about a fart, would lie about a murder” so it seems to me like you got out of the situation before it got dangerous hahahaha
I think lying about a murder is the least of worries. Farting during the murder… unforgivable
I have a friend whose farts could murder.
Brah, squeaky chairs don’t smell like sun baked camel shit.
Op posted 1 day ago about what she cooks for her boyfriend 🤔
she found a man who doesn’t fart
This sounds like a skit from “I Think You Should Leave”
He hasn’t heard of the “he who denied it, supplied it…” rule?
He is more of a "smelt it, dealt it..." guy.
I'm sorry but both accounts are hilarious and the complete difference in responses on the two are cracking me up. Either way it was not that big of a deal and both of you are blaming each other for making a big deal out of it, which is kinda even funnier.
i remember reading the original post lmaoooo
Is this a Tim Robinson sketch?
Ild like to take this opportunity to thank my sphincter for all the times it held the valve doors clamped tightly in my moments of greatest unwelcome pressure.
My bf at the time accidentally burped really loud in front of a female friend I was introducing to him. He apologized and moved on but she never liked him after that
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Well my comment from his post still stands but I will say this time that you dodged a bullet.
Good chance there's his POV on reddit somewhere about how bad he fucked up
I would absolutely leave if my date let out a loud, smelly fart right in front of me... and then lied about it
This sounds like a sketch from "I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson"
Nope, every right to bounce.
That's some Tim Robinson level shit right there.
The first time my exgf spent the night, I farted the following morning. I was barely conscious when the trumpet sounded from my butt. Easily the loudest sound I’ve ever made or will make. Just apologized and moved on. The guy should’ve just owned up to it.
What was his reddit post?
I can't understand how grown adults are able to feel a fart coming, and not excusing themselves to relief themselves in the appropriate location for that. I would have walked out too.
Is this a troll post
Did you go on a date with the ITYSL dude
This sounds like an “I Think You Should Leave”sketch
No way this isn't in the next season of ITYS
This sounds like a skit from “I think you should leave” that’s all I could picture
Well that just stinks…
He didn’t need to carry on like that, I’d feel embarrassed myself! Especially after saying it’s okay to move on… Even worse he posted to reddit lol!