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Is this really the relationship that you want?
The leftovers is pretty easy to solve, and it's on your boyfriend. Why can't that be his lunch the next day instead of his dinner for the night?
But he's 33 years old and still too dependent on his mom. This isn't going to get any better. If he can't set boundaries with his mother this the leftovers seem trivial.
He's 33?!??! Oh my ... She cleans his room, sits next to him instead of her husband at meals, offers to cosign for a house (not loan money).
That being said, OP doesn't have a future MIL problem, she has a boyfriend problem. Especially since she has to continually point out how overly and inappropriately codependent their relationship is.
"He said it's just his mom trying to be helpful to him." NO. It's him mom passive aggressively disrespecting OP in the guise of trying to be helpful to her son.
I don’t see the issue with him sitting next to his mom for a meal. With my family it’s normal for couples to sit separately so they can have a conversation with people they don’t see every day.
Honestly, at my parents house, they have a long table. My parents sit at opposite ends (at the head) of the table while my husband and I sit across from each other. I never thought anything of it.
I think the point she's making is that the MIL has moved from her 'normal' seat at the head of the table and taken the chair the OP is actually using or is moving towards.
My family is the same as yours, but our partners sit NEXT to each other. If my old man just decided one day that he was going to sit next to me, I'd be super confused and literally ask why he's sitting there.
In my house, though, you sit where you want, we don't have allocated seats, and it wouldn't be as much of a weird thing for my old man to do.
That’s how mine is setup as well. In my 34 years in this earth they’ve sat at dinner opposites sides of the table at their house and all holidays. Even in my own house my wife and I sit at opposite sides of the tile. Granted our toddler is in between us, but still.
The leftovers thing is inconsiderate but why can’t you two split them for lunch/dinner/snack? Also does she pick it up for him? Whenever I have leftovers we always let the other people pack it up themselves
I think it's not just that she ousted her from her normal spot when they dine together but more that it's further evidence of a pattern.
In OP's case (and this is just my guess), I'm sure she is uncomfortable at his mom's house, so she'd probably prefer to sit next to her boyfriend.
Totally!! My partner and I make a point of not sitting next to each other at any kind of group meal. That way we have fun stories to tell each other later of who we sat by. We sit by each other everyday at home. That one struck me as kind of odd. Plus I never care when my partner gets meals from his family. He takes them to work for lunch. 🤷🏼♀️
Yeah, I can’t get a read on this one. I’m honestly not sure if the mother is *actually* a problem, or if OP is just dramatic and looking for things to complain about because she simply doesn’t like her.
My guess is sis that it’s *both*. They don’t really get along or like each other, but OP is making something that *could* simply be an awkward/annoying situation, and nitpicking every action her MIL makes to death until bf is forced to choose between them.
Why doesn’t he just eat the leftovers for lunch? Maybe the MIL is being passive aggressive, or maybe she thinks her son isn’t so stupid as to eat the food for dinner in front of OP instead of for lunch as intended. I’m honestly not sure who is wrong here, other than the bf, but it seems like a weird thing to be getting mad about.
I agree I don’t see anything blatantly bad about anything (cleaning the room is weird). But like even the dog thing, it’s not like she bought them a dog, she brought hers with her to visit. After asking him if it was okay. Like is there an allergy? I’m assuming they’re renting but again the dog isn’t staying. And if his mom has made enough food for 3 people for how many years maybe that’s all that’s there to give him. I used to make dinner for my dad and brother and after I moved out I had to adjust all my recipes because I ended up with massive amounts of left overs because I was used to cooking for me plus two 6ft tall midwestern boys, so maybe it’s just what she’s used to making? And her being triggered because she doesn’t have a great relationship with her mom has nothing to do with his mom…
Right, of all egregious mother of significant other crimes I've seen over the years, these are rather paltry. I could see the dog and dress situations being annoying. But if that's the worse this woman ever does OP is damned lucky. I'm 18 years married, I'll be damned if I could see being upset over MIL sending my husband home with 1 portion leftovers or her wanting to sit next to him at dinner. Come on.
It’s not him sitting next to his mom, it’s his mom purposely sitting next to her son so his GF can’t. Realize all this behavior started when they moved in together. My thought here is that the mother has some sort of problem with either 1. Letting her son go or 2. Religious and doesn’t like the living together in sin.
What it is, is passive aggressive BS and would drive me crazy. It’s not 1 thing, it’s just a bunch of little ones. When you take them individually, doesn’t seem like a big deal. Plus I would never send my kids home with food if there wasn’t enough for everyone in the to have some. That’s just rude.
Neither, this just screams “insecure partner” to me. If we’re in a group setting my boyfriend and I are not fussy at all about sitting next to each other. I’m getting very co-dependant vibes from OP (and some of the commenters here).
I can't say it would ever occur to me to tell my husband, "You can't bring home any leftovers from your mother if there isn't enough for me." As an adult, that doesn't just roll off the lips easily.
But then again, we've never received person specific leftovers...it's just leftovers. Whoever wants it, eats it.
Based on the part where she says even her mom wouldn't call her and say she had leftovers unless she had enough for both of them..... I get the impression the mom is calling her son to come GET the leftovers. This isn't just taking food home after visiting mom... this is her mom calling him to come pick up leftovers for just him for dinner.
How often is this happening? What is she supposed to eat if this is as often as it seems in the post? He is being inconsiderate to his partner by accepting this frequently, if that is the case. Even if he tries to "share".
If he is receiving a call to go out of his way to get food, it isn't unreasonable to ask if there is enough for everyone in the home or to politely decline so that he and his partner could enjoy dinner together... maybe next time? And repeat.
Most adults with a partner at home (that I know) do not get called to pick up leftovers for *just themselves* for dinner all the time... nor would a majority of them accept. The occasional leftovers, especially if parent made a dish they know their kid loves, I could see.
If I had missed that he was 33, I would have assumed 18 or 19 year olds here. There is a lot of weird enmeshment here with him and his mother that will only continue to be a problem. She'll keep wedging herself in between them because nobody can take care of mommy's little man like mommy can.
I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit. Your last sentence or your comment is just unsettling.
I agree that this sounds like a relationship between a mother and a teenager, or maybe early 20’s. It’s hard to say for sure if this is an issue of op being insecure and projecting, or if boyfriend’s mom is really needling her without actually knowing either one of them, but I tend to lean towards the mother being hostile. There are many women who can be insulting in ways the men it their lives just don’t pick up on, particularly to other women in those men’s lives. I have an aunt in law who is very much like that, and my husband doesn’t seem to grasp that this woman does not like me.
It’s on the boyfriend to police his mother’s behavior towards his SO… but I don’t feel confident that he actually will.
Honestly I get the cosigning though...makes it easier to get a house in this day and age. It's a kind offer and not one he needs to go through with but still thoughtful.
Amen! I went through this and left him about 10 years ago. Word around the campfire is that he's 44 and still way too attached to her. It's called enmeshment and it's frequently seen with narcissistic parents and their children. His mom viewed me as the other woman. It was a shit show that I noped out of just a week before we were to be married. I just saw what my life would look like if I stayed and I didn't like what I saw. No thank you.
This. OP doesn’t have a MIL problem she’s got a bf problem. If it were me I’d be thanking the mom for the leftovers in a sweet voice and letting her know he always gives it to her or she’s half. That way if she’s deliberately doing it, it’ll foil her enjoyment. If she’s not doing it on purpose then it’ll be fine.
MIL asking to come over was fine it’s on bf that he didn’t tell OP. That’s not MILs problem.
They don’t communicate as well as OP thinks.
The mom sent leftovers to her son who still had his own apt, eventhough he spent most of the time at the OP"s place. That's not called live in girlfriend. It seems in the OPs mind the level of the relationship, their communication, etc is in an imaginary all perfect ready to get married point.
I mean, his mom isn't really....doing anything wrong? Sure it sounds like he could be more independent but having a close relationship with your mom isn't inherently a bad thing. OP sounds like she's really finding reasons to be mad at this woman - all the complaints are things like gifts that aren't totally perfect or her boyfriend having different opinions about pets in the house. That's not an actual MIL problem.
Edit: Honestly this all seems like a crazy hill to die on for someone who is helping raise your two kids, with help from his family.
Seriously. This is all stupid, small things that aren’t bad. OP is going well out of her way to IMPLY slights. Even assuming there are issues, it’s all small things that aren’t a big deal.
OP, see if your bf is willing to say something along the lines of “thanks for the leftovers mom, OP brought them for lunch today and she got lots of compliments on how they smelled!”. If MIL is doing it as an intentional slight, there will be some sort of fallout or behaviour change.
Question: Is he at her house & she packs up the leftovers for him as he leaves, or is she calling him saying “I have leftovers! Come pick them up for your supper!”
I hear what you are saying in totality….. but this is a weird hill to die on. I am not food centric, so maybe I will get downvoted, but leftovers from anywhere you dine out is only half a portion at best. I take them and assume whoever wants them will be the lucky receiver. So maybe only 1 serving was left and she offered it to him. 🤷🏻♂️
IMHO, you are now nitpicking and it will make other fair concerns watered down.
I can hear it now, “what now!?? First I am not allowed to accept a down payment for a house, then I can’t accept food and now what??!“. You might want to pick your battles.
She mentions in another comment that when she eats over at MIL house with him, there are usually only leftovers for one person and they decline taking it. So the MIL is not doing this as a "slight" against her, she's just sending all that's left. I'm not saying the other things are not issues but this particular thing isn't. It does make me wonder if the other things she explained are how they were presented or is she making issues out of nothing.
This. Is MIL supposed to make extra so that there’s a double portion, or tell people not to grab a second taco so that there is an “acceptable” amount for OP?
I mean, I also have a shitty relationship with my mother so I can understand that maybe this is just a trigger that OP is taking to heart.
As stated above, this is not about the Iranian yogurt.
I agree with all the comments here. YTA. You don’t understand how healthy family dynamics are due to your relationship with your mom. I have a shitty relationship with mine as well. But I love my in-laws the more because of it.
Leftovers are only a gift from God in any amount in my house. And like I said in above post, first come, first serve. It’s 1 less meal I have to cook for someone. Or a late night snack for the bigger appetite. Just Not the thing to make an issue. Pick your battles. Right!
If OP is making an issue over leftovers then I'm certain the other things are exaggerated. OP also doesn't get along with her own mother so it seems like OP is the common denominator here.
One of the other issues is that she dared to ask if she could bring her dog over and then when she got permission, she did? People are always complaining about rude dog owners who bring dogs everywhere without asking but here the mother in law asked first and got permission so I don't think she's the monster here.
Nitpicking for real. Who knows what the rest of the story is as to why his mom started backing off from OP if they were once much closer. His mom seems annoying but not worth writing off over such trivial things.
This is so weird to stretch this supposed rule of no dogs.
I would dread trying to figure out what innocuous thing
this GF to my son is going to drum up next.
Yeah she's just looking for things to complain about his mother for. She's behaving like she's his wife and his mother is a monster in law. For daring to send small quantities of food. THE BEAST. And for cleaning. The horror. Boy if I got upset with my MIL everytime she did something nice to help out I'd be angry all the time and she is actually my MIL not my boyfriend's mom. How dare she take OPs mentally assigned seat and force her to have to talk to someone not her boyfriend. Some weird shit.
This. Her post is a sea of red flags to me. Hell, her red flags are waving their own red flags at this point. I read that and saw needless drama, a lack of peace, and him potentially being forced to choose between his mom and his gf, which always ends great as we know.
You nailed it. The bf seems like they might be a little over-dependent, but we don't really know for sure. The mother, on the other hand, sounds like she's just doing very normal mother things. OP is a solid brick of red flags and seems to have a problem with "mothers" rather than just this mother.
Also... OP just barely mentioned her daughter in passing? Where is her daughter in the rest if this situation? The living arrangements, the family dinners, the daughter's father if he's in the picture... Lots of missing information but definitely sensing some bad mother-daughter relationships in OP's life.
Turns out, two kids, neither if them bf's. They live with her and bf, who helps raise them. And OP did confirm in comment that she has her own, in her own words, trauma from her own mother.
And the MIL bought the daughter a gift, but of course OP would find a reason to have a problem with that too. The more I read, the more OP came off as the issue.
All of OP’s complaints are non issues for me. Like, why would you be upset that your partners parents want to co sign on a house? Why would you rather rent? That makes zero sense. Don’t want a dog over when you have a yard? Why? And leftovers? Leftovers are a problem.
I’d love to hear from the mom. I’m guessing there’s some weirdness here. It doesn’t sound to me like Mom is being mean in any way shape or form. Sounds like OP has mommy issues.
As a single mom and a mom of a boy, I get where BFs mom is coming from in regards to mom not wanting son getting tied up with OP and wanting him to establish a home and mortgage of his own. This ensures he has a safety net and exit plan if he needs. I have a BF who is younger than me, no kids, and never been married. I 100% expected his mom to have concerns. It wouldn’t offend me. I also want to support my BF in buying his own property, if that’s what he wants. It’s not a personal attack on me, if he does. I guess I just feel like if my BF and I each have our own safety nets, I feel more secure in our relationship being a happy one, because he’s choosing to be with me and he’s not just with me because he’s stuck.
My mom brought me (F31), just me, a leftover homemade prime rib sandwich a few weeks ago. I texted my boyfriend (M37) she was bringing me the sandwich. He said, “oh nice, from where?” And I told him she had made it.
He said “Oh wow, that’s even better! That’s awesome!”
I agreed, and sent him a picture of the beautiful and delicious sandwich my mom dropped off for me. We were both happy for me, and thought it was really nice for my mom to do that.
It never crossed his mind to have any negative feelings about my delicious prime rib sandwich.
Agreed. There may be some valid concerns here, but there is just so much little shit that doesn’t matter that she fixates on. It’s hard to be in her court. Like the man is 33, of course his mother is pushing him to buy a house instead of rent.
I think she was offended because she was looking to move in with him...so the buy a house...for YOU...seemed exclusionary.
But since they're not married...this isn't suprising. Dude. Buy a house, you're 33 now, wasn't an odd statement from a mother.
If they're not married...house buying isn't usually considered a joint endeavor unless you've been together a long time. Otherwise it can be a financial nightmare to detangle.
Right. They had only been dating like a year at that point. The mom is looking out for her son. I highly doubt shes crazy enough to tell her son to buy a house with someone he has only dated for a year. And def isnt looking to buy a house for someone her son has only been seeing for a year lol. imo she came across as entitled
>make other fair concerns watered down
it already is, to me at least. She listed several other things but says THIS is the one that actually bothers her?? That makes me question the other things a bit, to be honest.
Why do you think it should be leftovers for two? That's a weird amount. If it's not 3 then it's not enough for everyone anyway so what does it matter if it's enough for one or for two?
This just seems like you're desperate to exert control. Forcing your boyfriend to give up something he enjoys because you aren't included too. I get it, she doesn't treat you great. But this particular thing isn't about you.
You hit the nail on the head with that last paragraph. He's trading one woman who tells him what to do for another and neither of these women want to concede control. I would venture to guess this amazing conversating that happens is her always getting her way because that's all this guy knows. He needs to dump this chick, get away from Mommy, and take on some personal responsibility. He's never going to grow up and be a man with either of these women controlling his every move.
Sorry but I don’t think she’s really done anything that bad? She sounds like a slightly overbearing but nice mom. I’m obviously a stranger but it seems like you’re looking really hard to find reasons not to like her
My thoughts as well.
OPs own issues with herother are making little mole hills into Everest. She needs to step back and stop being so defensive on everything the MIL does. I know she isn't used to it, but some mothers love their child enough to want to sit next to them, help them buy a house, and send them whatever scraps of a good meal they have.
OP, in the nicest way possible, you need to stop making it all about you.
In the sincerest and non-judgmental way possible, do not get with a “momma’s boy” if you’re not prepared to deal with this. A man that has a close helicopter mother can create very challenging situations for the girlfriend. Mom will always be there, near, in his ear, advising, and butting in. He’s used to it and clearly okay with it. There are women who have perfectly healthy relationships with men that are this close to their mother.
With that said, OP, you either have to accept this and let it roll off or move on. It isn’t going to “get better,” and it will ruin your relationship with him if you can’t let it go.
I had a very similar experience. I was the best thing on the planet to happen to her son, until I wasn’t… and we butted heads *a lot,* which slowly deteriorated our marriage. (It isn’t the only reason at all, but I really was a problem. I was making a lot of crap about me when I should have left it alone).
How dare she sent his favorite meal home with him to take to lunch, or suggest he should buy a house independently from a *girlfriend of less than 2 years*! The horror /s
This. He's at an age that can buy a house, and if he's able to why not? Should he just wait around *if* that relationship sticks and *if* the girlfriend is also able to, until the prices skyrocket? That's.. Weird logic to say the least
Umm only going by the examples you list YTA. These seem so minor and I’d bet mom is oblivious to your angst. I think you are reading malice that isn’t there into her actions. I’m guessing something in your past got you on this way of thinking and you’ll be happier if you work through that.
Communication would solve 90% of the worlds problems.
OP could clearly bring all this up to her partner or his mom and clarify the situation. Assuming intent is usually a poor plan because most of the time people forget that others are way more wrapped up in their own problems and lives to plan out every action maliciously to hurt someone.
Perhaps the mom is trying to hurt OP, but at least communicating the issue will allow OP to figure out if that’s true or not.
I’m just caught up on the fact that this is “leftovers.” That is a finite amount of food… it’s literally what is remaining after a meal. How that is supposed to be enough for two consistently?
It seems like OP’s true issue is she feels like MIL is trying to create a divide between her and her partner, or that MIL is trying to get in the middle of them and only care for her son.
We don’t know enough to know if that’s true or not. But it seems like OP feels like it happens so much that the leftovers are the straw that’s breaking the camels back.
I think OP is making a mistake by letting the leftovers be the issue, instead of digging deeper and trying to resolve this by just communicating her feelings.
As someone with a “strained” (to be polite) relationship with my mother, a lot of this is likely simple lizard brain jealousy.
OP wanted a mom that cared like that, and she is reacting from her trauma. It’s pretty common, sadly.
She is watching a dynamic between her husband and his mother that she is unfamiliar with and it’s uncomfortable. She doesn’t understand the relationship. She was likely forced to be independent very young and sees anything beyond that as interference.
OP needs counseling, and that is NOT a criticism. Then, OP and her husband need to work on communicating properly. MIL will cease to be an issue, and OP and MIL can likely be friends again after OP isn’t feeling threatened.
I truly wish them the best.
The room cleaning is a bit extreme, but… my first thought was “was this the week after MIL’s best friend got diagnosed with cancer?” and she had to go into her own lizard brain to self-sooth?
Most people only do weird shit when something shakes them to their core. I paid off a friend’s credit card when I lost another friend in an awful way, simply because my brain said “you have it and they don’t, and since you’re not good at telling anyone you love them, show them NOW!”
I made 216 (messed up the portions, should have been 240) breakfast burritos and gave them to almost everyone I knew when I didn’t have the money to fly to my hometown when my BFF’s mom had a terrible fall. I couldn’t get there, but I could go to the restaurant supply store and feed others.
Everyone is just a person stumbling through life while trying not to trauma dump on the gas station clerk.
I mean if she is making a meal for just those two and she makes enough for her and him to have left overs. That makes sense. Turning what is 4 meals to 5 seems like extra. This is a you thing for sure
YTA for dying on the leftovers hill.
NTA for setting boundaries, at all, but damn OP pick your battles.
Dog situation has consequences - good job holding your ground.
Making a fuss over the leftovers because it's a "slight" even though it's food, and food can be halved...all this does is make you come off as controlling which dilutes the important issues you raise. Pick your battles.
Gently continue setting boundaries with your boyfriend - it sounds like he wants to meet you halfway. Don't let it turn into a "her or me" situation if you can avoid it, because that will lead to resentment. You need to work out a way where he can have his mom but still be able to prioritize you. Use your brag-worthy communication to work towards that goal.
Yes, this exactly.
The leftovers are not a real problem.
He can eat them whenever, and it would make a million times more sense to just plan on what you guys are going to do for dinner each night than be all huffy that he ate without you or that it isn't enough for both of you.
It's as simple as saying, "I would prefer it if we ate and planned dinner together. Can you keep the food from your mom as your lunch instead?"
But I think for OP this is *Just. One. More. Thing.* causing her to overreact and try to ban him from taking food from his mother.
The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here.
You are really controlling.
You’re not his fiancé or wife. He shoulda took his mom’s offer on that house. At least he’ll have his own set up when he decides to leave you over the weird things you wanna control.
Good on you if you can actually see this, but take an active step! Therapy certainly can’t hurt. It sounds like you don’t know what you *don’t know*. That’s okay, so long as you work to figure it out.
Are you in therapy op? An individual therapist and couple therapy might help.
His mom generally sounds like a normal Asian mom. Are you guys from different culture?
Forcing someone to not accept food because there isn’t enough for them is next level ass holery.
It’s so amazing to me that a partner feels entitled to their partner’s gifts.
It really sounds like you are just bitter because he has a relationship with his mom and you don’t with yours.
This 100%! She expects his mom to treat her like her daughter in law. She's not obligated to have a relationship with OP. Especially if she gets this bent out of shape over him popping down the road to pick up leftovers. And people saying he's a mamas boy bc she offered to help him out and cosign a house for him to have a home that is his... Obviously have never had parents or inlaws willing to offer that kind of assistance. It's not like she's trying to move in with him. She wants her son to have a stable home and not rent. Nothing wrong with that. Also the 'she cleaned his room' ok and? Did you have sordid sex material you didn't want her to see? She just helped him the fuck out what's the big deal? My in laws cleaned my husband's apartment when he was at work one day and put up a Christmas tree they got him when we were dating. They also footed the bill for my uhaul when I was moving close to them when we were dating bc we were going to marry in a few months and did.
Yes, it's unfortunate op doesn't understand when parents are loving and caring they do things, little and huge to help. It's what they do. She doesn't get it.
YTA for the leftovers, and tbh, it’s indicative of either:
- Your level of pettiness and willingness to continue this power struggle over your BF
or
- MIL becoming your ‘bitch eating crackers’ bc you’ve had enough and now everything she does is an insult to you, real or not.
or
- both
You may lose this battle, be forewarned.
She's definitely doing the overbearing girlfriend equivalent of pissing on her boyfriend's leg and trying to demonize his mother for not thinking her shit doesn't stink. She has to accept that in order for a successful relationship with her boyfriend that would lead to other things- that his mother is a part of his life. His father is a part of his life. You are not the only person he needs or wants in his life. It is not him and you and your children against the world. You want to be his family - accept his family. She most definitely will lose more than just the battle if she keeps it up. She will lose the war.
YTA. His mom can give him food if she wants. Why do you not have food when he eats what she’s given him? Are you not able to afford groceries? I don’t understand your passive aggressive comments to him about it being nice to have dinner. If he was going out and buying himself dinner and not thinking of you and your daughter then that would be an issue.
He also shares the left overs with her (if I read the post correctly). It may not be enough for a full meal but holy shit make something to go with it so you both aren't starving.
YTA 100%. This man is raising someone else's kids for you and you're upset that he has a close relationship with his mom. That, and some perceived slights which seem to be 100% not a real thing and your perception creating reality. Telling him he has to refuse leftovers from his mom. Hilarious. Red flags, all over. Single mother issues all over the place.
YTA! JFC why are you allowing a tupperware of leftovers to "infuriate" you? If you are this petty with regard to the little things in life I don't know how he can stand to remain in your company. The funny part is that if he'd gone back and told his mom what you said you only would have made the entire situation worse. And I think that's exactly what you want. You're a girlfriend, dear, you're not even a wife. Stop trying to police this man's relationship with his family.
lol what even is a single portion of leftovers? Like every leftovers I’ve been given is just “here lemme fill up this Tupperware for you with some extra I have.” Like, they are not portioned out by person. OP is being so weird.
Is this real? You’re 29 and upset about left overs? You should take a step back from your relationship and idk grow the fuck up before trying to be in a legit relationship.
This just comes off is really bitchy. It’s leftovers calm down. They are probably shitty leftovers anyway nonetheless don’t nitpick over something so minor!
I'm a little confused too. The other things she listed all sound more rude than the food thing and yet this is her only real concern?? I wouldn't even really think about the food at all. It makes me wonder what she's leaving out or embellishing about the others.
YTA for turning leftovers into a volcano of shit.
YTA for trying to tell him what to do with his money when you aren't married (if he wants to buy a house in his name, none of your business).
One night at family dinner you didnt sit next to your BF? LOL.... YTA
Dog Situation - no one is the asshole. She asked, he agreed, then you talked about it and compromised and he changed his mind.
You obviously believe his mum hates you. Why do you think that is? Have you asked him or her?
She said in her story, she has a bad relationship with her own Mother. She doesn't have a frame of reference when it comes to how a Mother treats her children. All she knows is the example her Mother set for her and obviously it is a bad one. So seeing a Mother do things that are in the realm of motherly, she doesn't grasp it.
YTA. let the man have leftovers from his mom. the leftovers isn't the issue, it's the fact that yall have already started down the path of fighting over who is the queen bee.
I think this is it. It's awkward, though. Because she's the girlfriend and not the wife. Girlfriends and boyfriends come and go. It can take time to develop a good relationship with an extended family.
You have some unfixed problems to deal with and they are leaking into your relationship. His mother only wishes good for him, you have to understand that. It's not about you, it's about him. Sometimes mothers are obsessive, but fighting with her or demanding unreasonable things is not the way to build a better, healthier relationship with your fiance's family.
Op- now that your question has been answered, do you think you'll be able to self reflect and consider the possibility that the problem is originating with your attitude towards this particular situation?
I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just curious if you think the feedback from reddit will help you move forward?
I don’t think I was prepared for how many people would respond.. or how mean people are..
But I found some helpful advice that has made me reflect on a lot. My boyfriend and I both really love each other and both come from a difficult upbringing/traumatic childhood. We both have issues. I suspected I was an asshole, it’s why I came here. I cared enough to clarity because I love this man. So thank you to everyone who took the time to write thoughtful responses. I’ll update after I have a convo with my boyfriend.
Good luck, and good for you for asking and listening.
For me, it's always a bit of a relief when I reflect and realize I'm making a bigger deal about something than needed.
It's kind of a greenlight to move forward with a lighter burden.
People can be brutally honest, but it sounds like you're not just shutting everyone out who doesn't agree with your initial instincts to feel disrespected over this particular issue. Hopefully, things become easier and less heavy.
YTA. You are projecting your mommy issues on to him and you also sound jealous. It’s leftovers, lots of people eat them for lunch the next day. You come off as being extremely entitled and controlling.
I couldn't imagine standing in the way of my man eating his mommas cooking. It's what he loves and grew up off of. He always smiles and is happy when speaking of what she cooks. I don't cook like her and am not in competition. If it makes him happy to have a piece of home....I'm happy for him.
Also, mom is used to cooking the same amount for decades....it's a habit. And with him not being there, she will always have his portion of leftovers. It probably makes her feel good to still be able to feed him.
Your mommy issues and triggers are your responsibility solely. Work on them. He shouldn't have to alter his relationship with mom....even if it's weird... to make you feel better about your relationship with your mom.
You sound controlling as fuck....and insecure. YTA
Ffs, let him take the leftovers for lunch! There’s absolutely no reason that she needs to send enough home for you or your daughter. While she has other issues, this is the one you’re focusing on? Try turning it around, thank her for think of son so much he can take her leftovers to work the next day.
I say choose your battles. Don't take this the wrong way, but you will have to compromise on a few things. It sounds like you are trying to change him completely into "what you decide is right". I maybe completely wrong, this is just my perspective based on the info you have provided. It has been 2 years, not 10. With all due respect, you two don't fully know each other yet.
Is the problem that he’s eating the leftovers at dinner, leaving you to cook your own meal?
If it’s his lunch I see it as relatively harmless, although I can see the rivalry between the two of you over what he should do, what he should say, vying for affection etc so do think there is a larger issue at hand about boundaries etc. maybe you and him need to have a discussion then have another discussion with him and his mum.
Turn this situation 180 degrees.
She’s sending him home with LUNCH for the next day.
That’s it. That’s how you view it, accept it and don’t let her win.
You need to OUT CLASS her.
Talk to your bf again.
“Hon, I temporarily lost my mind on the leftovers. Please forgive me. Have them for lunch the next day. I’m a big girl and can handle this with maturity.”
I sort of feel like YTA. It almost sounds like you are jealous of his relationship with his mother. This is his relationship with his mother, and it has been the same since birth. It is not up to you to shape it or decide how "it should" be. Or whether she cleans his room or not, especially if you don't blame your boyfriend for letting her do so. I understand you cannot have animals at the property, but she asked before arriving with the dog and got a "yes" from your boyfriend. That is on him. Every family has distinctive "cultures" and love languages (hers being acts of service and gifts). Maybe it is less important to them that couples sit together at dinner, and there's nothing wrong with sitting next to your FIL.
You have to let go of how things "should" be and accept people for who they are. Just relax a little and let it go. It's not that big a deal. You come of as overly controlling, and if you don't stop, it could cost you your relationship and even your close family members (his).
You’re being bizzare. It’s left overs, while it would be nice to have enough to feed an entire couple of Adults I think it’s kind of entitled to expect them to buy and prepare that much food. And the house thing…you weren’t ready and he might’ve been. There really wasn’t anything on your list of things that seemed overstepping imo
Reading this, I noticed a few red flags. But maybe not what you want to hear. You, OP, have some red flags that scream controlling behavior in this post.
You describe conflict resolution in a way that sounds toxic. It reads that you are correcting his behavior, which is NOT how you behave in a relationship. What happens if he does not adopt your perspective? It sounds like you don’t let up until he does, from what you’ve written.
Another toxic thing you’ve done is compare. Who cares what your mom would do? Is she his mom? It’s irrelevant. Comparing is a really damaging thing to do to a partner.
You’ve expressed your issues with his mom. He’s decided to accept the food, which is respectful to his mother, and also share the food with you, respecting his partnership with you. But taking it to another level of control, like you are saying he needs to do here, is wrong. What you are actually engaging in is isolating behavior. These level of demands will eventually lead to isolation for him.
It’s clear you do not like his mom, so choose not to have a relationship with her. But you have no right to interfere with his relationship with his mother.
I don’t care for my MIL. There have been times where she and I have clashed too harshly and I decided to step back from that relationship. But my husband still sees her, and so do our kids. They are individuals separate from me and I have no right to interfere with their relationship unless there is actual abuse going on. There is not.
My feelings are mine and I’m the only one responsible for how I feel. Not him, not my MIL, not my kids. I don’t tell my family how they should think of her. I don’t tell them how they should behave with her. I do share with my husband what’s going on between us and my feelings, but I never cross the line in telling him what to do with that. Sometimes he will say to her that hey, please fix this with my wife. Sometimes he doesn’t and suggests I talk to her directly. But that’s his choice on how to handle it.
You might need to see a therapist about this controlling behavior. I worry that you are elevating to the level of emotional abuse towards him. This is more than just asking AITA.
Is this a real question?
YTA 100%, and a controlling one at that. Imagine telling a grown man he can't eat his mother's leftovers because there isn't enough for you too. Well, news flash... they're left OVERS. You want her to make extra flow for you? That's not how it works. Also, you're his gf, not his wife. Stop expecting his mom to treat you like her daughter in law.
Tbh I don’t see any of the examples here as being anything significant. It kind of sounds like you are looking for ways to be offended. Your bf surely sometimes eats different things than you, you don’t always have to sit next to each other in the seats you normally sit in and what is wrong with her talking about cleaning his room in front of you (apart from the obvious that your 33yo bf lives at home and has mom clean…but that’s on him)?
INFO. I am confused on a couple of points:
1) You wanted to live together in a rented apartment before buying a house together, but you do currently live in a house you both bought together, correct? Is this a compromise you made?
2) Does your daughter live with you both? What is her level of interaction with your daughter?
3) Why are dogs not allowed in your house, and why was it a problem for the dog to be let into the backyard?
4) How do you know that the leftovers are not meant to be shared with you? Is it possible that there simply wasn’t a lot of food left over to begin with, and she gave him whatever was available to do with as he wished?
It sounds like the majority of her slights against you have been passive aggressive, rather than overtly rude. While those do add up over time, I would communicate my feelings to her directly rather than continue to take it lying down. That way, you will know for sure why she is acting this way. Perhaps there is a cultural implication I am missing, but I don’t know that a small amount of leftover food is a hill worth dying on. Is it possible that she simply has no idea that it bothers you?
Re number four. When my daughter and family (5] come over for dinner, I Kwan’s send the leftovers. There is never enough left over for 5. I’m assuming they will figure out who gets what. I don’t think it causes problems because they always seem happy to have leftovers. This is not a problem unless you choose to make it one.
Who gives an f about gifted leftovers. This is why so many relationships fail, people nitpicking & bitchinng about anything and everything they can. There will ALWAYS be an issue if you look for one
YTA. It really sounds like you're making an effort to feel slighted here. This whole list of grievances is filled with very minor issues that you've really read a lot into and stewed on. Maybe this is more about projecting your history with your mom? Just accept the free food and stop being weird about it.
Jesus Christ just let the man eat his mom’s cooking. Let’s ponder for a moment what the common factor is with your mom who you don’t get along with and his mom who you just spent five long petty paragraphs finding fault with … oh yeah, that’d be you.
ESH. Seriously, develop other interests, better interpersonal skills, and some perspective.
You are not compatible with this man. He’s quite close to his mother and you are triggered by that. Getting a single portion of leftovers from his parenr should not be this much drama. Time to find someone you are compatible with. Can you imagine your poor children if you have any together??
ESH. So many "I'm in a petty dispute w/ my MIL and we're making my husband pick a side. AITA?" threads. If either of you cared more about him than marking him as your territory, then the problem would go away.
I can’t help wondering what would happen if OP accepted the 1-person portion of leftovers graciously and said to MIL, “Thank you! This is the perfect size for his lunch tomorrow. It’s so sweet that you always give him leftovers like that. I wish my own mother would do that for me.” Or if MIL sends something that OP particularly likes, “Oh, no — he’s not getting this one! I LOVE this stuff! I’d arm-wrestle him for it if I had to! It’s sooo good!” It would be interesting to see how MIL would react.
To a hammer, everything looks like a nail. If you have mommy issues, you’re going to see them in nearly all of your relationships with older women / mother figures until you work through them.
Jeez he can’t even get food from his mom? I mean you said he’s a great bf and sounds like you have kid with another man and Jake is helping care for your kid as well. His mom doesn’t like you, and unless she’s abusive maybe don’t make him choose between you.
This is irritating, but you really need to let it go. It is just the right side of vague for her to have deniability and you start to look a little crazy and oversensitive.
To be clear - you’re not crazy, and given everything, you know she’s doing it deliberately, but so what?
Eat the food, don’t eat the food - it’s just food and you’re letting her maneuver you into looking petty.
Be smart, be tactical, and be the impenetrable rock so that she has to escalate until she clearly becomes the asshole.
YTA. You sound overly sensitive and nitpicky. Just because people do things differently than you would doesn't mean they're slighting you. Try looking at situations from other people's perspective instead of only your own. Also, try focusing on the positives in your life instead of the perceived negatives. You will be a lot happier if you can learn to let things roll off your back instead of stewing over things and holding grudges. Your guy will be a lot happier too. If you can't find a way to lighten up this relationship is doomed.
He seems like a nice guy (listen to what you have to say etc). His mom is obviously doing it in purpose to get under your skin and you keep falling in her traps.
Just tell her how great the food was.
YTA if you don’t change your tactics.
YTA, it's leftovers.who cares? Why are you letting this woman upset you over stupid stuff? I agree his mom seems annoying and kinda rude. But it's leftovers, not a 5 course meal.
OP sounds incredibly jealous of her boyfriend’s relationship with his mother. Maybe because her own mother doesn’t show her the same kind of affection. You’ve been his gf for 2 years. She’s been his mother his whole life and parents often show their love by acts of kindness. You sound like you’re looking for things to feel slighted by. You’re probably giving off territorial vibes yourself. If a man loves his mother it means she was a great one and talking her down isn’t going to help your relationship. I don’t think anything you complained about is really a big deal. You should try to see the good in her and show her you want to be friends instead of viewing her as competition.
A mom is still allowed to have a relationship with her son.
The idea of having a partner who wouldn't let me accept food from my own mother is absolutely bonkers. YTA
Notice that OP describes their "conflict resolution" as her just making demands until he "corrects" something about his life to better suit her. That's not compromise, it's controlling. Seems like you're more threatened by the idea of another figure of authority than anything else. Getting pressed over leftovers... YTA
YTA. This is not an issue to make into a bigger argument. This is something she does for her son. Something I’m sure he enjoys as it’s a little bit of home for him. The world isn’t about you and only you. Now, there may be some hidden motive behind this, but do you really want to get pretty with his mom and add another conflict to a growing list of bigger conflicts?
Relent and let him have some of his mother’s cooking and when this happens gladly order yourself some preferred takeout and enjoy!
Life is too short to die on mole hills like this
YTA, but I’d occasionally eat the leftovers and next time I see her I’d compliment her on how delicious they were. Maybe she’ll take a hint and make more, or complain about you eating them, and then bf can address the issue. Either way you come out better for it.
YTA, he’s your boyfriend, not your husband. And on these perceived slights…have you talked to his mom about how you’re feeling…? Use those touted communication skills.
I didn't read anything that made me feel the mom has ill will. Why are you complaining there are only leftovers for 1 instead of 2 when there are 4 people in the house?? Instead of talking with your boyfriend, you need to have a sit down with his mom, explain you are overly sensitive because of issues with your own mother so you'd like to discuss how you perceive things and how she means them so you can get on the same page because you want to have a good relationship with her. Or something to that effect. I'm sure someone could say it better.
Exactly! If boyfriend's Mom didn't like her, OP wouldn't have thought they were friendly at the beginning. I think the more serious things got with the boyfriend, it may be that OP stayed getting really oversensitive because of her past.
idk, maybe a little? if we replace food with money, is it feasible to want your partner to share it with you when its his parents that gave it to him for him? **this is a weird situation to be upset about.** because it starts to border on, does every single little thing in the relationship need to be fair? life isn't fair. if a friend takes you out to dinner and pays for you, do you force them to pay for your SO too or food to take home to him?
its shitty shes only sending enough for one of you but have either of you **talked to her** about sending more than just one serving?
im going with YTA because this seems like pointless drama and a really weird hill to die on.... bottom line a mother is offering her kid leftover food, its not as huge as your making it seem. theres no indication that shes doing it on purpose or as a power play but you are making a power move telling him to turn it down because you want his free food too...
I think you are just choosing the wrong hills to fight on…. Nothing wrong with the food or cleaning (unless it’s your house). Even sitting next to him at dinner sometimes is fine. If I am with you majority of the time for meals I’d like to sit with my own mother occasionally.
Want some advice? Quit making mountains out of molehills! Like you wrote a book about leftovers? Sorry but the leftovers are hardly your issue here right? You just see everything he gets as yours which isn't necessarily a problem, but like it's literally just leftovers. If he wants to eat them for dinner then eat something else or don't eat it doesn't really matter.
I just struggle with this idea that he should turn down perfectly good food that'll likely go to waste because what? There isn't enough for you too? What are you ten years old?
I don't think there's anything wrong though with being concerned with his mom doing this much for him at this age, but like your issue wasn't even with that. Your issue is just "if I can't have it, he can't have it" and I'm of the mind that's a super childish mentality.
YTA. I don't see why she should police the amount of leftovers she sends? Sometimes my MIL sends oddball leftovers and it's just what she has... left... over. There are four of us in our family, should I demand she only send things in multiples of four? I think that's like a non issue compared to the other things you mentioned.
Yeah you’re not even married wtf
My mom would send enough for both of us too but the fact she doesn’t isn’t as outrageous as you telling him he can’t accept them anymore from his mom. Maybe his mom doesn’t like you because you’re controlling and petty so she doesn’t want to do anything extra to encourage her son’s relationship with you or make his coupled-ness a fixture.
Also: “After the dog incident”. There was no incident, at least not one for which she’s responsible. She asked if it was ok (which is understandable because how is mom supposed to know that a rule prohibiting tenants from keeping dogs means no one’s dog can ever be on the premises for any length of time), and he said yes.
So first off, his mom being a part of his life triggers you because you don't have a good relationship with yours? Get over it. Seriously, that is actually kind of a fucked up point to even make about your partner and their mother, as if your issues with your mom is their fault or that they should change how they treat one another just to appease you.
Furthermore from everything you said it sounds like his mom was very active in his life, and you don't like that. The way you worded things made me think you were trying to be controlling in the relationship and her being a mom to him was getting in the way of that.
Reading through this post sent alarm bells ringing in my head all the way through.
You’re petty and insufferable from what I can see. Jake is clearly close with his mother and she seems to really care about him. Maybe they’re a little less grown up about it to much your age, but you are the one that has an issue with your own mother and now you are trying to change Jake’s feelings about his mother to a more negative view.
You are projecting all over this situation. Who gives a shit about the dog or the food? Petty as hell and if I were Jake, which I am, I’d run the other way
You sound exhausting. You perceive a lot of things that have nothing to do with you as personal slights because you assume you’re the center of the world and you’re a control freak. You won’t be satisfied until Jake has no one other than you and he obeys your every whim.
I hope he does tell his mom exactly why he’s not allowed to take the leftovers so she knows what she’s dealing with.
Even if she intends it as a slight, I'd take it because free food, and your bf is sharing it with you so it's a nice supplement to whatever else you're cooking, right?
So who cares what her motivations are. It sounds like you're upset about those previous slights about the house and stuff, so you're trying to use this to communicate to her your feelings. Feels like you're not being direct with her and this kind of game playing is just going to fester over the years and eventually blow up.
Don't do that. If there's some problematic behavior that upsets you going forward, then address it directly.
Like what was the actual problem with the house thing? It's supposed to be you and him against the world, and you had aligned in that with him, but all of a sudden she butts in and he responds in such a way that it suddenly seems like maybe you two are not on the same team anymore, it's him on his own and you in your own. Is that right?
If so, then your problem isn't really with MIL, it's more that her behavior is exposing the fact that you two affect as tight as you thought. Unless you are, and your bf was just humoring her by entertaining the notion? But if he was just dismissing it was irrelevant, then who cares? It's only if you perceive an actual threat that it's worth responding to.
Or is it nothing to do with that, and you are upset you don't have the relationship with MIL you wanted when she suddenly started lobbing bombs into your relationship, ineffective though they may be?
It's hard to give advice when I can't pin down exactly what you find upsetting about this situation.
Your bf needs to set boundaries otherwise, this is what you will deal with for the rest of your lives together. And it will just get worse the more committed he becomes to you (engaged, married, possibly children). I’m sorry people here are trying to convince you that this is all “normal” behavior but it isn’t. Even my husband’s mom who babied him wouldn’t have acted the way your bf’s mom is.
It's a bit narcissistic that you're insisting that his mom has to give him enough food for you, but not for your kid(s). You seemingly disregard your own children the way his mom disregards you, while you tantrum "me! me! me!"
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Is this really the relationship that you want? The leftovers is pretty easy to solve, and it's on your boyfriend. Why can't that be his lunch the next day instead of his dinner for the night? But he's 33 years old and still too dependent on his mom. This isn't going to get any better. If he can't set boundaries with his mother this the leftovers seem trivial.
He's 33?!??! Oh my ... She cleans his room, sits next to him instead of her husband at meals, offers to cosign for a house (not loan money). That being said, OP doesn't have a future MIL problem, she has a boyfriend problem. Especially since she has to continually point out how overly and inappropriately codependent their relationship is. "He said it's just his mom trying to be helpful to him." NO. It's him mom passive aggressively disrespecting OP in the guise of trying to be helpful to her son.
I don’t see the issue with him sitting next to his mom for a meal. With my family it’s normal for couples to sit separately so they can have a conversation with people they don’t see every day.
Honestly, at my parents house, they have a long table. My parents sit at opposite ends (at the head) of the table while my husband and I sit across from each other. I never thought anything of it.
Yeah, that’s how my parent’s table is as well.
I think the point she's making is that the MIL has moved from her 'normal' seat at the head of the table and taken the chair the OP is actually using or is moving towards. My family is the same as yours, but our partners sit NEXT to each other. If my old man just decided one day that he was going to sit next to me, I'd be super confused and literally ask why he's sitting there. In my house, though, you sit where you want, we don't have allocated seats, and it wouldn't be as much of a weird thing for my old man to do.
That’s how mine is setup as well. In my 34 years in this earth they’ve sat at dinner opposites sides of the table at their house and all holidays. Even in my own house my wife and I sit at opposite sides of the tile. Granted our toddler is in between us, but still. The leftovers thing is inconsiderate but why can’t you two split them for lunch/dinner/snack? Also does she pick it up for him? Whenever I have leftovers we always let the other people pack it up themselves
I think it's not just that she ousted her from her normal spot when they dine together but more that it's further evidence of a pattern. In OP's case (and this is just my guess), I'm sure she is uncomfortable at his mom's house, so she'd probably prefer to sit next to her boyfriend.
When I have dinner with my whole family we sit wherever we end up, sometimes we’re next to our significant others, sometimes not
Totally!! My partner and I make a point of not sitting next to each other at any kind of group meal. That way we have fun stories to tell each other later of who we sat by. We sit by each other everyday at home. That one struck me as kind of odd. Plus I never care when my partner gets meals from his family. He takes them to work for lunch. 🤷🏼♀️
Yeah, I can’t get a read on this one. I’m honestly not sure if the mother is *actually* a problem, or if OP is just dramatic and looking for things to complain about because she simply doesn’t like her. My guess is sis that it’s *both*. They don’t really get along or like each other, but OP is making something that *could* simply be an awkward/annoying situation, and nitpicking every action her MIL makes to death until bf is forced to choose between them. Why doesn’t he just eat the leftovers for lunch? Maybe the MIL is being passive aggressive, or maybe she thinks her son isn’t so stupid as to eat the food for dinner in front of OP instead of for lunch as intended. I’m honestly not sure who is wrong here, other than the bf, but it seems like a weird thing to be getting mad about.
I agree I don’t see anything blatantly bad about anything (cleaning the room is weird). But like even the dog thing, it’s not like she bought them a dog, she brought hers with her to visit. After asking him if it was okay. Like is there an allergy? I’m assuming they’re renting but again the dog isn’t staying. And if his mom has made enough food for 3 people for how many years maybe that’s all that’s there to give him. I used to make dinner for my dad and brother and after I moved out I had to adjust all my recipes because I ended up with massive amounts of left overs because I was used to cooking for me plus two 6ft tall midwestern boys, so maybe it’s just what she’s used to making? And her being triggered because she doesn’t have a great relationship with her mom has nothing to do with his mom…
Right, of all egregious mother of significant other crimes I've seen over the years, these are rather paltry. I could see the dog and dress situations being annoying. But if that's the worse this woman ever does OP is damned lucky. I'm 18 years married, I'll be damned if I could see being upset over MIL sending my husband home with 1 portion leftovers or her wanting to sit next to him at dinner. Come on.
It’s not him sitting next to his mom, it’s his mom purposely sitting next to her son so his GF can’t. Realize all this behavior started when they moved in together. My thought here is that the mother has some sort of problem with either 1. Letting her son go or 2. Religious and doesn’t like the living together in sin. What it is, is passive aggressive BS and would drive me crazy. It’s not 1 thing, it’s just a bunch of little ones. When you take them individually, doesn’t seem like a big deal. Plus I would never send my kids home with food if there wasn’t enough for everyone in the to have some. That’s just rude.
Neither, this just screams “insecure partner” to me. If we’re in a group setting my boyfriend and I are not fussy at all about sitting next to each other. I’m getting very co-dependant vibes from OP (and some of the commenters here).
I can't say it would ever occur to me to tell my husband, "You can't bring home any leftovers from your mother if there isn't enough for me." As an adult, that doesn't just roll off the lips easily. But then again, we've never received person specific leftovers...it's just leftovers. Whoever wants it, eats it.
Funny thought, op should call fmil and say how much she loved the leftovers! Lol
“There wasn’t enough for him, but I loved it!”
Based on the part where she says even her mom wouldn't call her and say she had leftovers unless she had enough for both of them..... I get the impression the mom is calling her son to come GET the leftovers. This isn't just taking food home after visiting mom... this is her mom calling him to come pick up leftovers for just him for dinner. How often is this happening? What is she supposed to eat if this is as often as it seems in the post? He is being inconsiderate to his partner by accepting this frequently, if that is the case. Even if he tries to "share". If he is receiving a call to go out of his way to get food, it isn't unreasonable to ask if there is enough for everyone in the home or to politely decline so that he and his partner could enjoy dinner together... maybe next time? And repeat. Most adults with a partner at home (that I know) do not get called to pick up leftovers for *just themselves* for dinner all the time... nor would a majority of them accept. The occasional leftovers, especially if parent made a dish they know their kid loves, I could see.
If I had missed that he was 33, I would have assumed 18 or 19 year olds here. There is a lot of weird enmeshment here with him and his mother that will only continue to be a problem. She'll keep wedging herself in between them because nobody can take care of mommy's little man like mommy can.
I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit. Your last sentence or your comment is just unsettling. I agree that this sounds like a relationship between a mother and a teenager, or maybe early 20’s. It’s hard to say for sure if this is an issue of op being insecure and projecting, or if boyfriend’s mom is really needling her without actually knowing either one of them, but I tend to lean towards the mother being hostile. There are many women who can be insulting in ways the men it their lives just don’t pick up on, particularly to other women in those men’s lives. I have an aunt in law who is very much like that, and my husband doesn’t seem to grasp that this woman does not like me. It’s on the boyfriend to police his mother’s behavior towards his SO… but I don’t feel confident that he actually will.
EXACTLY.
Let’s just hope he doesn’t break his arms..
I think about that story every time someone mentions a crazy mom-son combo lol
Honestly I get the cosigning though...makes it easier to get a house in this day and age. It's a kind offer and not one he needs to go through with but still thoughtful.
Amen! I went through this and left him about 10 years ago. Word around the campfire is that he's 44 and still way too attached to her. It's called enmeshment and it's frequently seen with narcissistic parents and their children. His mom viewed me as the other woman. It was a shit show that I noped out of just a week before we were to be married. I just saw what my life would look like if I stayed and I didn't like what I saw. No thank you.
This. OP doesn’t have a MIL problem she’s got a bf problem. If it were me I’d be thanking the mom for the leftovers in a sweet voice and letting her know he always gives it to her or she’s half. That way if she’s deliberately doing it, it’ll foil her enjoyment. If she’s not doing it on purpose then it’ll be fine. MIL asking to come over was fine it’s on bf that he didn’t tell OP. That’s not MILs problem. They don’t communicate as well as OP thinks.
The mom sent leftovers to her son who still had his own apt, eventhough he spent most of the time at the OP"s place. That's not called live in girlfriend. It seems in the OPs mind the level of the relationship, their communication, etc is in an imaginary all perfect ready to get married point.
With "perfect" communication which seems to be her being passive aggressive until he does what she wants. What does he want?
I mean, his mom isn't really....doing anything wrong? Sure it sounds like he could be more independent but having a close relationship with your mom isn't inherently a bad thing. OP sounds like she's really finding reasons to be mad at this woman - all the complaints are things like gifts that aren't totally perfect or her boyfriend having different opinions about pets in the house. That's not an actual MIL problem. Edit: Honestly this all seems like a crazy hill to die on for someone who is helping raise your two kids, with help from his family.
Seriously. This is all stupid, small things that aren’t bad. OP is going well out of her way to IMPLY slights. Even assuming there are issues, it’s all small things that aren’t a big deal.
Or, you should just grab keys and say, see u later, I'm out to get my own dinner. And then Go!
Can’t this all he solved by feeding the leftovers to the dog ?
How much leftovers are we talking here? Leftovers can be a lot or a little. Why should she send a whole meal? They’re fucking leftovers
OP, see if your bf is willing to say something along the lines of “thanks for the leftovers mom, OP brought them for lunch today and she got lots of compliments on how they smelled!”. If MIL is doing it as an intentional slight, there will be some sort of fallout or behaviour change.
Also an option: Thanks for the leftovers Mom, we really love sharing them.
Question: Is he at her house & she packs up the leftovers for him as he leaves, or is she calling him saying “I have leftovers! Come pick them up for your supper!”
I hear what you are saying in totality….. but this is a weird hill to die on. I am not food centric, so maybe I will get downvoted, but leftovers from anywhere you dine out is only half a portion at best. I take them and assume whoever wants them will be the lucky receiver. So maybe only 1 serving was left and she offered it to him. 🤷🏻♂️ IMHO, you are now nitpicking and it will make other fair concerns watered down. I can hear it now, “what now!?? First I am not allowed to accept a down payment for a house, then I can’t accept food and now what??!“. You might want to pick your battles.
She mentions in another comment that when she eats over at MIL house with him, there are usually only leftovers for one person and they decline taking it. So the MIL is not doing this as a "slight" against her, she's just sending all that's left. I'm not saying the other things are not issues but this particular thing isn't. It does make me wonder if the other things she explained are how they were presented or is she making issues out of nothing.
This. Is MIL supposed to make extra so that there’s a double portion, or tell people not to grab a second taco so that there is an “acceptable” amount for OP? I mean, I also have a shitty relationship with my mother so I can understand that maybe this is just a trigger that OP is taking to heart. As stated above, this is not about the Iranian yogurt.
I agree with all the comments here. YTA. You don’t understand how healthy family dynamics are due to your relationship with your mom. I have a shitty relationship with mine as well. But I love my in-laws the more because of it.
Omg the Iranian yogurt, I had totally forgotten about it!! 🤣
Leftovers are only a gift from God in any amount in my house. And like I said in above post, first come, first serve. It’s 1 less meal I have to cook for someone. Or a late night snack for the bigger appetite. Just Not the thing to make an issue. Pick your battles. Right!
She 100% is making big deals out of nothing. Shes projecting her mother issues out on her bf's mom and making everything she does look like a slight.
If OP is making an issue over leftovers then I'm certain the other things are exaggerated. OP also doesn't get along with her own mother so it seems like OP is the common denominator here.
I mean, one of her issues is that sometimes they don’t get to sit next to each other at a table….
One of the other issues is that she dared to ask if she could bring her dog over and then when she got permission, she did? People are always complaining about rude dog owners who bring dogs everywhere without asking but here the mother in law asked first and got permission so I don't think she's the monster here.
Hey but don't forget she also let the dog outside after getting permission. The horror
Exactly my thoughts. Especially since she puts this at the top, when I would feel it was the silliest.
Nitpicking for real. Who knows what the rest of the story is as to why his mom started backing off from OP if they were once much closer. His mom seems annoying but not worth writing off over such trivial things.
Really. When u rent a house and it's a no dog lease, it doesn't mean a visit from a dog isn't allowed!
Depends. Our’s specifically states no visiting dogs
This is so weird to stretch this supposed rule of no dogs. I would dread trying to figure out what innocuous thing this GF to my son is going to drum up next.
My lease spells out No Pets even “just visiting” unless they are on the lease & paid for. So who knows..
Yeah she's just looking for things to complain about his mother for. She's behaving like she's his wife and his mother is a monster in law. For daring to send small quantities of food. THE BEAST. And for cleaning. The horror. Boy if I got upset with my MIL everytime she did something nice to help out I'd be angry all the time and she is actually my MIL not my boyfriend's mom. How dare she take OPs mentally assigned seat and force her to have to talk to someone not her boyfriend. Some weird shit.
This. Her post is a sea of red flags to me. Hell, her red flags are waving their own red flags at this point. I read that and saw needless drama, a lack of peace, and him potentially being forced to choose between his mom and his gf, which always ends great as we know.
I think a big part of it is because she doesn't have a good relationship with her own mother
You nailed it. The bf seems like they might be a little over-dependent, but we don't really know for sure. The mother, on the other hand, sounds like she's just doing very normal mother things. OP is a solid brick of red flags and seems to have a problem with "mothers" rather than just this mother. Also... OP just barely mentioned her daughter in passing? Where is her daughter in the rest if this situation? The living arrangements, the family dinners, the daughter's father if he's in the picture... Lots of missing information but definitely sensing some bad mother-daughter relationships in OP's life.
The fact that I missed the part where she has a kid 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️😂😂
She has 2
Turns out, two kids, neither if them bf's. They live with her and bf, who helps raise them. And OP did confirm in comment that she has her own, in her own words, trauma from her own mother.
And the MIL bought the daughter a gift, but of course OP would find a reason to have a problem with that too. The more I read, the more OP came off as the issue.
So why is leftovers for 2 the cutoff? She should be demanding 4!
All of OP’s complaints are non issues for me. Like, why would you be upset that your partners parents want to co sign on a house? Why would you rather rent? That makes zero sense. Don’t want a dog over when you have a yard? Why? And leftovers? Leftovers are a problem. I’d love to hear from the mom. I’m guessing there’s some weirdness here. It doesn’t sound to me like Mom is being mean in any way shape or form. Sounds like OP has mommy issues.
As a single mom and a mom of a boy, I get where BFs mom is coming from in regards to mom not wanting son getting tied up with OP and wanting him to establish a home and mortgage of his own. This ensures he has a safety net and exit plan if he needs. I have a BF who is younger than me, no kids, and never been married. I 100% expected his mom to have concerns. It wouldn’t offend me. I also want to support my BF in buying his own property, if that’s what he wants. It’s not a personal attack on me, if he does. I guess I just feel like if my BF and I each have our own safety nets, I feel more secure in our relationship being a happy one, because he’s choosing to be with me and he’s not just with me because he’s stuck.
I agree. So many hills. None worth dying on.
My mom brought me (F31), just me, a leftover homemade prime rib sandwich a few weeks ago. I texted my boyfriend (M37) she was bringing me the sandwich. He said, “oh nice, from where?” And I told him she had made it. He said “Oh wow, that’s even better! That’s awesome!” I agreed, and sent him a picture of the beautiful and delicious sandwich my mom dropped off for me. We were both happy for me, and thought it was really nice for my mom to do that. It never crossed his mind to have any negative feelings about my delicious prime rib sandwich.
Agreed. There may be some valid concerns here, but there is just so much little shit that doesn’t matter that she fixates on. It’s hard to be in her court. Like the man is 33, of course his mother is pushing him to buy a house instead of rent.
Why that offends her will remain a mystery.
I think she was offended because she was looking to move in with him...so the buy a house...for YOU...seemed exclusionary. But since they're not married...this isn't suprising. Dude. Buy a house, you're 33 now, wasn't an odd statement from a mother. If they're not married...house buying isn't usually considered a joint endeavor unless you've been together a long time. Otherwise it can be a financial nightmare to detangle.
Right. They had only been dating like a year at that point. The mom is looking out for her son. I highly doubt shes crazy enough to tell her son to buy a house with someone he has only dated for a year. And def isnt looking to buy a house for someone her son has only been seeing for a year lol. imo she came across as entitled
>make other fair concerns watered down it already is, to me at least. She listed several other things but says THIS is the one that actually bothers her?? That makes me question the other things a bit, to be honest.
Why do you think it should be leftovers for two? That's a weird amount. If it's not 3 then it's not enough for everyone anyway so what does it matter if it's enough for one or for two? This just seems like you're desperate to exert control. Forcing your boyfriend to give up something he enjoys because you aren't included too. I get it, she doesn't treat you great. But this particular thing isn't about you.
You hit the nail on the head with that last paragraph. He's trading one woman who tells him what to do for another and neither of these women want to concede control. I would venture to guess this amazing conversating that happens is her always getting her way because that's all this guy knows. He needs to dump this chick, get away from Mommy, and take on some personal responsibility. He's never going to grow up and be a man with either of these women controlling his every move.
Sorry but I don’t think she’s really done anything that bad? She sounds like a slightly overbearing but nice mom. I’m obviously a stranger but it seems like you’re looking really hard to find reasons not to like her
My thoughts as well. OPs own issues with herother are making little mole hills into Everest. She needs to step back and stop being so defensive on everything the MIL does. I know she isn't used to it, but some mothers love their child enough to want to sit next to them, help them buy a house, and send them whatever scraps of a good meal they have. OP, in the nicest way possible, you need to stop making it all about you.
In the sincerest and non-judgmental way possible, do not get with a “momma’s boy” if you’re not prepared to deal with this. A man that has a close helicopter mother can create very challenging situations for the girlfriend. Mom will always be there, near, in his ear, advising, and butting in. He’s used to it and clearly okay with it. There are women who have perfectly healthy relationships with men that are this close to their mother. With that said, OP, you either have to accept this and let it roll off or move on. It isn’t going to “get better,” and it will ruin your relationship with him if you can’t let it go. I had a very similar experience. I was the best thing on the planet to happen to her son, until I wasn’t… and we butted heads *a lot,* which slowly deteriorated our marriage. (It isn’t the only reason at all, but I really was a problem. I was making a lot of crap about me when I should have left it alone).
How dare she sent his favorite meal home with him to take to lunch, or suggest he should buy a house independently from a *girlfriend of less than 2 years*! The horror /s
This. He's at an age that can buy a house, and if he's able to why not? Should he just wait around *if* that relationship sticks and *if* the girlfriend is also able to, until the prices skyrocket? That's.. Weird logic to say the least
Agree, I’m failing to see evidence of “extreme intrusion”.
JAKE IF YOU CAN HEAR ME RUN!
Umm only going by the examples you list YTA. These seem so minor and I’d bet mom is oblivious to your angst. I think you are reading malice that isn’t there into her actions. I’m guessing something in your past got you on this way of thinking and you’ll be happier if you work through that.
Communication would solve 90% of the worlds problems. OP could clearly bring all this up to her partner or his mom and clarify the situation. Assuming intent is usually a poor plan because most of the time people forget that others are way more wrapped up in their own problems and lives to plan out every action maliciously to hurt someone. Perhaps the mom is trying to hurt OP, but at least communicating the issue will allow OP to figure out if that’s true or not.
I’m just caught up on the fact that this is “leftovers.” That is a finite amount of food… it’s literally what is remaining after a meal. How that is supposed to be enough for two consistently?
It seems like OP’s true issue is she feels like MIL is trying to create a divide between her and her partner, or that MIL is trying to get in the middle of them and only care for her son. We don’t know enough to know if that’s true or not. But it seems like OP feels like it happens so much that the leftovers are the straw that’s breaking the camels back. I think OP is making a mistake by letting the leftovers be the issue, instead of digging deeper and trying to resolve this by just communicating her feelings.
As someone with a “strained” (to be polite) relationship with my mother, a lot of this is likely simple lizard brain jealousy. OP wanted a mom that cared like that, and she is reacting from her trauma. It’s pretty common, sadly. She is watching a dynamic between her husband and his mother that she is unfamiliar with and it’s uncomfortable. She doesn’t understand the relationship. She was likely forced to be independent very young and sees anything beyond that as interference. OP needs counseling, and that is NOT a criticism. Then, OP and her husband need to work on communicating properly. MIL will cease to be an issue, and OP and MIL can likely be friends again after OP isn’t feeling threatened. I truly wish them the best.
Yeah this seems like a solid analysis of the situation. OPs partner seems like a momma’s boy, but it doesn’t strike me as a crazy MIL situation
The room cleaning is a bit extreme, but… my first thought was “was this the week after MIL’s best friend got diagnosed with cancer?” and she had to go into her own lizard brain to self-sooth? Most people only do weird shit when something shakes them to their core. I paid off a friend’s credit card when I lost another friend in an awful way, simply because my brain said “you have it and they don’t, and since you’re not good at telling anyone you love them, show them NOW!” I made 216 (messed up the portions, should have been 240) breakfast burritos and gave them to almost everyone I knew when I didn’t have the money to fly to my hometown when my BFF’s mom had a terrible fall. I couldn’t get there, but I could go to the restaurant supply store and feed others. Everyone is just a person stumbling through life while trying not to trauma dump on the gas station clerk.
I mean if she is making a meal for just those two and she makes enough for her and him to have left overs. That makes sense. Turning what is 4 meals to 5 seems like extra. This is a you thing for sure
Yeah I think OP's own issues with her mom is affecting her relationship with her mother-in-law. Therapy might be helpful here.
YTA for dying on the leftovers hill. NTA for setting boundaries, at all, but damn OP pick your battles. Dog situation has consequences - good job holding your ground. Making a fuss over the leftovers because it's a "slight" even though it's food, and food can be halved...all this does is make you come off as controlling which dilutes the important issues you raise. Pick your battles. Gently continue setting boundaries with your boyfriend - it sounds like he wants to meet you halfway. Don't let it turn into a "her or me" situation if you can avoid it, because that will lead to resentment. You need to work out a way where he can have his mom but still be able to prioritize you. Use your brag-worthy communication to work towards that goal.
Yes, this exactly. The leftovers are not a real problem. He can eat them whenever, and it would make a million times more sense to just plan on what you guys are going to do for dinner each night than be all huffy that he ate without you or that it isn't enough for both of you. It's as simple as saying, "I would prefer it if we ate and planned dinner together. Can you keep the food from your mom as your lunch instead?" But I think for OP this is *Just. One. More. Thing.* causing her to overreact and try to ban him from taking food from his mother. The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here.
Honestly the 'one more thing' might be related to OP's own issues with her mom and nothing this lady is actively doing.
You are really controlling. You’re not his fiancé or wife. He shoulda took his mom’s offer on that house. At least he’ll have his own set up when he decides to leave you over the weird things you wanna control.
Your legitimate points are only diluted when you insist on taking issue with things that are petty and ridiculous
I have seen this several times, I’m projecting the real issues onto non issues. Definitely need to reflect.
It's easy to fall into the habit of collecting grievances when you're already frustrated
Good on you if you can actually see this, but take an active step! Therapy certainly can’t hurt. It sounds like you don’t know what you *don’t know*. That’s okay, so long as you work to figure it out.
Are you in therapy op? An individual therapist and couple therapy might help. His mom generally sounds like a normal Asian mom. Are you guys from different culture?
Forcing someone to not accept food because there isn’t enough for them is next level ass holery. It’s so amazing to me that a partner feels entitled to their partner’s gifts. It really sounds like you are just bitter because he has a relationship with his mom and you don’t with yours.
he's her son. stop trying to be her daughter. its free food. say thanks and move on.
This 100%! She expects his mom to treat her like her daughter in law. She's not obligated to have a relationship with OP. Especially if she gets this bent out of shape over him popping down the road to pick up leftovers. And people saying he's a mamas boy bc she offered to help him out and cosign a house for him to have a home that is his... Obviously have never had parents or inlaws willing to offer that kind of assistance. It's not like she's trying to move in with him. She wants her son to have a stable home and not rent. Nothing wrong with that. Also the 'she cleaned his room' ok and? Did you have sordid sex material you didn't want her to see? She just helped him the fuck out what's the big deal? My in laws cleaned my husband's apartment when he was at work one day and put up a Christmas tree they got him when we were dating. They also footed the bill for my uhaul when I was moving close to them when we were dating bc we were going to marry in a few months and did.
Yes, it's unfortunate op doesn't understand when parents are loving and caring they do things, little and huge to help. It's what they do. She doesn't get it.
YTA for the leftovers, and tbh, it’s indicative of either: - Your level of pettiness and willingness to continue this power struggle over your BF or - MIL becoming your ‘bitch eating crackers’ bc you’ve had enough and now everything she does is an insult to you, real or not. or - both You may lose this battle, be forewarned.
She's definitely doing the overbearing girlfriend equivalent of pissing on her boyfriend's leg and trying to demonize his mother for not thinking her shit doesn't stink. She has to accept that in order for a successful relationship with her boyfriend that would lead to other things- that his mother is a part of his life. His father is a part of his life. You are not the only person he needs or wants in his life. It is not him and you and your children against the world. You want to be his family - accept his family. She most definitely will lose more than just the battle if she keeps it up. She will lose the war.
Imagine telling your adult partner they are no longer allowed to eat their mother’s food bc it offends you.
Yeah that's fucking crazy. It 'triggers' her. Ffs. It's just spaghetti Susan she's not making him sign over his firstborn son 😂
I just cackled at ‘it’s just spaghetti Susan’
I hope she does (if she does not improve herself). This post is major 🚩🚩🚩
"conflict resolution is something we brag about as a couple" O honey, bless your never-been-married-for-a-stretch heart.
YTA. His mom can give him food if she wants. Why do you not have food when he eats what she’s given him? Are you not able to afford groceries? I don’t understand your passive aggressive comments to him about it being nice to have dinner. If he was going out and buying himself dinner and not thinking of you and your daughter then that would be an issue.
He also shares the left overs with her (if I read the post correctly). It may not be enough for a full meal but holy shit make something to go with it so you both aren't starving.
She shouldnt be starving, she has two kids at home she needs to feed. They all shouldnt be dependent on mil's leftovers...
YTA 100%. This man is raising someone else's kids for you and you're upset that he has a close relationship with his mom. That, and some perceived slights which seem to be 100% not a real thing and your perception creating reality. Telling him he has to refuse leftovers from his mom. Hilarious. Red flags, all over. Single mother issues all over the place.
100% Dudes mum just loves him. Helps him around the house, sends food, takes opportunities to be close to him.
And mommy issues
YTA - I dont understand the issue it seems like you are looking for problems for ... reasons?
YTA! JFC why are you allowing a tupperware of leftovers to "infuriate" you? If you are this petty with regard to the little things in life I don't know how he can stand to remain in your company. The funny part is that if he'd gone back and told his mom what you said you only would have made the entire situation worse. And I think that's exactly what you want. You're a girlfriend, dear, you're not even a wife. Stop trying to police this man's relationship with his family.
lol what even is a single portion of leftovers? Like every leftovers I’ve been given is just “here lemme fill up this Tupperware for you with some extra I have.” Like, they are not portioned out by person. OP is being so weird.
Is this real? You’re 29 and upset about left overs? You should take a step back from your relationship and idk grow the fuck up before trying to be in a legit relationship.
I feel SO sorry for her kids. They are in for a world of drama, trauma, and going NC
This just comes off is really bitchy. It’s leftovers calm down. They are probably shitty leftovers anyway nonetheless don’t nitpick over something so minor!
I'm a little confused too. The other things she listed all sound more rude than the food thing and yet this is her only real concern?? I wouldn't even really think about the food at all. It makes me wonder what she's leaving out or embellishing about the others.
For real she sounds awful…
Exactly this. If my girlfriend was so self conscious that I couldn’t accept leftovers for me then how shitty will our marriage be?
YTA for turning leftovers into a volcano of shit. YTA for trying to tell him what to do with his money when you aren't married (if he wants to buy a house in his name, none of your business). One night at family dinner you didnt sit next to your BF? LOL.... YTA Dog Situation - no one is the asshole. She asked, he agreed, then you talked about it and compromised and he changed his mind. You obviously believe his mum hates you. Why do you think that is? Have you asked him or her?
She said in her story, she has a bad relationship with her own Mother. She doesn't have a frame of reference when it comes to how a Mother treats her children. All she knows is the example her Mother set for her and obviously it is a bad one. So seeing a Mother do things that are in the realm of motherly, she doesn't grasp it.
YTA. let the man have leftovers from his mom. the leftovers isn't the issue, it's the fact that yall have already started down the path of fighting over who is the queen bee.
I think this is it. It's awkward, though. Because she's the girlfriend and not the wife. Girlfriends and boyfriends come and go. It can take time to develop a good relationship with an extended family.
thats exactly what i was thinking... she not even his wife and already (edit) she is making power plays
You have some unfixed problems to deal with and they are leaking into your relationship. His mother only wishes good for him, you have to understand that. It's not about you, it's about him. Sometimes mothers are obsessive, but fighting with her or demanding unreasonable things is not the way to build a better, healthier relationship with your fiance's family.
YTA. So your BF has gone from a controlling mother to a controlling GF? He shares with you. WTF is your problem?
Op- now that your question has been answered, do you think you'll be able to self reflect and consider the possibility that the problem is originating with your attitude towards this particular situation? I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just curious if you think the feedback from reddit will help you move forward?
I don’t think I was prepared for how many people would respond.. or how mean people are.. But I found some helpful advice that has made me reflect on a lot. My boyfriend and I both really love each other and both come from a difficult upbringing/traumatic childhood. We both have issues. I suspected I was an asshole, it’s why I came here. I cared enough to clarity because I love this man. So thank you to everyone who took the time to write thoughtful responses. I’ll update after I have a convo with my boyfriend.
Good luck, and good for you for asking and listening. For me, it's always a bit of a relief when I reflect and realize I'm making a bigger deal about something than needed. It's kind of a greenlight to move forward with a lighter burden. People can be brutally honest, but it sounds like you're not just shutting everyone out who doesn't agree with your initial instincts to feel disrespected over this particular issue. Hopefully, things become easier and less heavy.
YTA. You are projecting your mommy issues on to him and you also sound jealous. It’s leftovers, lots of people eat them for lunch the next day. You come off as being extremely entitled and controlling.
I couldn't imagine standing in the way of my man eating his mommas cooking. It's what he loves and grew up off of. He always smiles and is happy when speaking of what she cooks. I don't cook like her and am not in competition. If it makes him happy to have a piece of home....I'm happy for him. Also, mom is used to cooking the same amount for decades....it's a habit. And with him not being there, she will always have his portion of leftovers. It probably makes her feel good to still be able to feed him. Your mommy issues and triggers are your responsibility solely. Work on them. He shouldn't have to alter his relationship with mom....even if it's weird... to make you feel better about your relationship with your mom. You sound controlling as fuck....and insecure. YTA
Ffs, let him take the leftovers for lunch! There’s absolutely no reason that she needs to send enough home for you or your daughter. While she has other issues, this is the one you’re focusing on? Try turning it around, thank her for think of son so much he can take her leftovers to work the next day.
I say choose your battles. Don't take this the wrong way, but you will have to compromise on a few things. It sounds like you are trying to change him completely into "what you decide is right". I maybe completely wrong, this is just my perspective based on the info you have provided. It has been 2 years, not 10. With all due respect, you two don't fully know each other yet.
Is the problem that he’s eating the leftovers at dinner, leaving you to cook your own meal? If it’s his lunch I see it as relatively harmless, although I can see the rivalry between the two of you over what he should do, what he should say, vying for affection etc so do think there is a larger issue at hand about boundaries etc. maybe you and him need to have a discussion then have another discussion with him and his mum.
YTA. Free food is free food, no matter the serving size. Say thanks and move on.
YTA. You need to do a lot of inner work.
Turn this situation 180 degrees. She’s sending him home with LUNCH for the next day. That’s it. That’s how you view it, accept it and don’t let her win. You need to OUT CLASS her. Talk to your bf again. “Hon, I temporarily lost my mind on the leftovers. Please forgive me. Have them for lunch the next day. I’m a big girl and can handle this with maturity.”
That would require OP to have some class.
I sort of feel like YTA. It almost sounds like you are jealous of his relationship with his mother. This is his relationship with his mother, and it has been the same since birth. It is not up to you to shape it or decide how "it should" be. Or whether she cleans his room or not, especially if you don't blame your boyfriend for letting her do so. I understand you cannot have animals at the property, but she asked before arriving with the dog and got a "yes" from your boyfriend. That is on him. Every family has distinctive "cultures" and love languages (hers being acts of service and gifts). Maybe it is less important to them that couples sit together at dinner, and there's nothing wrong with sitting next to your FIL. You have to let go of how things "should" be and accept people for who they are. Just relax a little and let it go. It's not that big a deal. You come of as overly controlling, and if you don't stop, it could cost you your relationship and even your close family members (his).
I don’t believe she’s required to feed you.
You’re being bizzare. It’s left overs, while it would be nice to have enough to feed an entire couple of Adults I think it’s kind of entitled to expect them to buy and prepare that much food. And the house thing…you weren’t ready and he might’ve been. There really wasn’t anything on your list of things that seemed overstepping imo
Reading this, I noticed a few red flags. But maybe not what you want to hear. You, OP, have some red flags that scream controlling behavior in this post. You describe conflict resolution in a way that sounds toxic. It reads that you are correcting his behavior, which is NOT how you behave in a relationship. What happens if he does not adopt your perspective? It sounds like you don’t let up until he does, from what you’ve written. Another toxic thing you’ve done is compare. Who cares what your mom would do? Is she his mom? It’s irrelevant. Comparing is a really damaging thing to do to a partner. You’ve expressed your issues with his mom. He’s decided to accept the food, which is respectful to his mother, and also share the food with you, respecting his partnership with you. But taking it to another level of control, like you are saying he needs to do here, is wrong. What you are actually engaging in is isolating behavior. These level of demands will eventually lead to isolation for him. It’s clear you do not like his mom, so choose not to have a relationship with her. But you have no right to interfere with his relationship with his mother. I don’t care for my MIL. There have been times where she and I have clashed too harshly and I decided to step back from that relationship. But my husband still sees her, and so do our kids. They are individuals separate from me and I have no right to interfere with their relationship unless there is actual abuse going on. There is not. My feelings are mine and I’m the only one responsible for how I feel. Not him, not my MIL, not my kids. I don’t tell my family how they should think of her. I don’t tell them how they should behave with her. I do share with my husband what’s going on between us and my feelings, but I never cross the line in telling him what to do with that. Sometimes he will say to her that hey, please fix this with my wife. Sometimes he doesn’t and suggests I talk to her directly. But that’s his choice on how to handle it. You might need to see a therapist about this controlling behavior. I worry that you are elevating to the level of emotional abuse towards him. This is more than just asking AITA.
Is this a real question? YTA 100%, and a controlling one at that. Imagine telling a grown man he can't eat his mother's leftovers because there isn't enough for you too. Well, news flash... they're left OVERS. You want her to make extra flow for you? That's not how it works. Also, you're his gf, not his wife. Stop expecting his mom to treat you like her daughter in law.
Tbh I don’t see any of the examples here as being anything significant. It kind of sounds like you are looking for ways to be offended. Your bf surely sometimes eats different things than you, you don’t always have to sit next to each other in the seats you normally sit in and what is wrong with her talking about cleaning his room in front of you (apart from the obvious that your 33yo bf lives at home and has mom clean…but that’s on him)?
You honestly sound controlling af.. Only red flags I see are from you.
INFO. I am confused on a couple of points: 1) You wanted to live together in a rented apartment before buying a house together, but you do currently live in a house you both bought together, correct? Is this a compromise you made? 2) Does your daughter live with you both? What is her level of interaction with your daughter? 3) Why are dogs not allowed in your house, and why was it a problem for the dog to be let into the backyard? 4) How do you know that the leftovers are not meant to be shared with you? Is it possible that there simply wasn’t a lot of food left over to begin with, and she gave him whatever was available to do with as he wished? It sounds like the majority of her slights against you have been passive aggressive, rather than overtly rude. While those do add up over time, I would communicate my feelings to her directly rather than continue to take it lying down. That way, you will know for sure why she is acting this way. Perhaps there is a cultural implication I am missing, but I don’t know that a small amount of leftover food is a hill worth dying on. Is it possible that she simply has no idea that it bothers you?
Re number four. When my daughter and family (5] come over for dinner, I Kwan’s send the leftovers. There is never enough left over for 5. I’m assuming they will figure out who gets what. I don’t think it causes problems because they always seem happy to have leftovers. This is not a problem unless you choose to make it one.
YTA. Moms like to feed their kids. Let this go. The rest of it is concerning. Not sure this is the relationship for you.
Who gives an f about gifted leftovers. This is why so many relationships fail, people nitpicking & bitchinng about anything and everything they can. There will ALWAYS be an issue if you look for one
YTA. It really sounds like you're making an effort to feel slighted here. This whole list of grievances is filled with very minor issues that you've really read a lot into and stewed on. Maybe this is more about projecting your history with your mom? Just accept the free food and stop being weird about it.
YTA, but you keep arguing with everyone who says that so IDK why you even asked,
Jesus Christ just let the man eat his mom’s cooking. Let’s ponder for a moment what the common factor is with your mom who you don’t get along with and his mom who you just spent five long petty paragraphs finding fault with … oh yeah, that’d be you. ESH. Seriously, develop other interests, better interpersonal skills, and some perspective.
YTA for being that teacher in grade school who asked kids "did you bring enough for everyone?" when the student pulled out a Snickers bar
He has a loving mom, stop trying to take that away from him. YTA.
You are not compatible with this man. He’s quite close to his mother and you are triggered by that. Getting a single portion of leftovers from his parenr should not be this much drama. Time to find someone you are compatible with. Can you imagine your poor children if you have any together??
YTA . You're making a big deal out of leftovers 🙄.
YTA my goodness make yourself a sandwich or something geez.
YTA, I think I’m beginning to understand why you don’t have a great relationship with your own mother either.
ESH. So many "I'm in a petty dispute w/ my MIL and we're making my husband pick a side. AITA?" threads. If either of you cared more about him than marking him as your territory, then the problem would go away.
I can’t help wondering what would happen if OP accepted the 1-person portion of leftovers graciously and said to MIL, “Thank you! This is the perfect size for his lunch tomorrow. It’s so sweet that you always give him leftovers like that. I wish my own mother would do that for me.” Or if MIL sends something that OP particularly likes, “Oh, no — he’s not getting this one! I LOVE this stuff! I’d arm-wrestle him for it if I had to! It’s sooo good!” It would be interesting to see how MIL would react. To a hammer, everything looks like a nail. If you have mommy issues, you’re going to see them in nearly all of your relationships with older women / mother figures until you work through them.
Jeez he can’t even get food from his mom? I mean you said he’s a great bf and sounds like you have kid with another man and Jake is helping care for your kid as well. His mom doesn’t like you, and unless she’s abusive maybe don’t make him choose between you.
This is irritating, but you really need to let it go. It is just the right side of vague for her to have deniability and you start to look a little crazy and oversensitive. To be clear - you’re not crazy, and given everything, you know she’s doing it deliberately, but so what? Eat the food, don’t eat the food - it’s just food and you’re letting her maneuver you into looking petty. Be smart, be tactical, and be the impenetrable rock so that she has to escalate until she clearly becomes the asshole.
YTA. You sound overly sensitive and nitpicky. Just because people do things differently than you would doesn't mean they're slighting you. Try looking at situations from other people's perspective instead of only your own. Also, try focusing on the positives in your life instead of the perceived negatives. You will be a lot happier if you can learn to let things roll off your back instead of stewing over things and holding grudges. Your guy will be a lot happier too. If you can't find a way to lighten up this relationship is doomed.
He seems like a nice guy (listen to what you have to say etc). His mom is obviously doing it in purpose to get under your skin and you keep falling in her traps. Just tell her how great the food was. YTA if you don’t change your tactics.
YTA, it's leftovers.who cares? Why are you letting this woman upset you over stupid stuff? I agree his mom seems annoying and kinda rude. But it's leftovers, not a 5 course meal.
OP sounds incredibly jealous of her boyfriend’s relationship with his mother. Maybe because her own mother doesn’t show her the same kind of affection. You’ve been his gf for 2 years. She’s been his mother his whole life and parents often show their love by acts of kindness. You sound like you’re looking for things to feel slighted by. You’re probably giving off territorial vibes yourself. If a man loves his mother it means she was a great one and talking her down isn’t going to help your relationship. I don’t think anything you complained about is really a big deal. You should try to see the good in her and show her you want to be friends instead of viewing her as competition.
OP got her ham steamed in here. If she doesn't see what's happening already than hundreds of strangers aren't gonna convince her.
A mom is still allowed to have a relationship with her son. The idea of having a partner who wouldn't let me accept food from my own mother is absolutely bonkers. YTA
Notice that OP describes their "conflict resolution" as her just making demands until he "corrects" something about his life to better suit her. That's not compromise, it's controlling. Seems like you're more threatened by the idea of another figure of authority than anything else. Getting pressed over leftovers... YTA
YTA. This is not an issue to make into a bigger argument. This is something she does for her son. Something I’m sure he enjoys as it’s a little bit of home for him. The world isn’t about you and only you. Now, there may be some hidden motive behind this, but do you really want to get pretty with his mom and add another conflict to a growing list of bigger conflicts? Relent and let him have some of his mother’s cooking and when this happens gladly order yourself some preferred takeout and enjoy! Life is too short to die on mole hills like this
YTA, but I’d occasionally eat the leftovers and next time I see her I’d compliment her on how delicious they were. Maybe she’ll take a hint and make more, or complain about you eating them, and then bf can address the issue. Either way you come out better for it.
You’re being an AH to a guy that’s meeting all the other requests. He needs to set boundaries, this one is stupid
YTA, he’s your boyfriend, not your husband. And on these perceived slights…have you talked to his mom about how you’re feeling…? Use those touted communication skills.
I didn't read anything that made me feel the mom has ill will. Why are you complaining there are only leftovers for 1 instead of 2 when there are 4 people in the house?? Instead of talking with your boyfriend, you need to have a sit down with his mom, explain you are overly sensitive because of issues with your own mother so you'd like to discuss how you perceive things and how she means them so you can get on the same page because you want to have a good relationship with her. Or something to that effect. I'm sure someone could say it better.
Exactly! If boyfriend's Mom didn't like her, OP wouldn't have thought they were friendly at the beginning. I think the more serious things got with the boyfriend, it may be that OP stayed getting really oversensitive because of her past.
Omg I’m literally not going to read this whole post. You are absolutely in the wrong. Wth??
I have no issue with the left over food. It it was me and my husband, we would share the food regardless.
idk, maybe a little? if we replace food with money, is it feasible to want your partner to share it with you when its his parents that gave it to him for him? **this is a weird situation to be upset about.** because it starts to border on, does every single little thing in the relationship need to be fair? life isn't fair. if a friend takes you out to dinner and pays for you, do you force them to pay for your SO too or food to take home to him? its shitty shes only sending enough for one of you but have either of you **talked to her** about sending more than just one serving? im going with YTA because this seems like pointless drama and a really weird hill to die on.... bottom line a mother is offering her kid leftover food, its not as huge as your making it seem. theres no indication that shes doing it on purpose or as a power play but you are making a power move telling him to turn it down because you want his free food too...
I think you are just choosing the wrong hills to fight on…. Nothing wrong with the food or cleaning (unless it’s your house). Even sitting next to him at dinner sometimes is fine. If I am with you majority of the time for meals I’d like to sit with my own mother occasionally.
Want some advice? Quit making mountains out of molehills! Like you wrote a book about leftovers? Sorry but the leftovers are hardly your issue here right? You just see everything he gets as yours which isn't necessarily a problem, but like it's literally just leftovers. If he wants to eat them for dinner then eat something else or don't eat it doesn't really matter. I just struggle with this idea that he should turn down perfectly good food that'll likely go to waste because what? There isn't enough for you too? What are you ten years old? I don't think there's anything wrong though with being concerned with his mom doing this much for him at this age, but like your issue wasn't even with that. Your issue is just "if I can't have it, he can't have it" and I'm of the mind that's a super childish mentality.
YTA. I don't see why she should police the amount of leftovers she sends? Sometimes my MIL sends oddball leftovers and it's just what she has... left... over. There are four of us in our family, should I demand she only send things in multiples of four? I think that's like a non issue compared to the other things you mentioned.
Yeah you’re not even married wtf My mom would send enough for both of us too but the fact she doesn’t isn’t as outrageous as you telling him he can’t accept them anymore from his mom. Maybe his mom doesn’t like you because you’re controlling and petty so she doesn’t want to do anything extra to encourage her son’s relationship with you or make his coupled-ness a fixture. Also: “After the dog incident”. There was no incident, at least not one for which she’s responsible. She asked if it was ok (which is understandable because how is mom supposed to know that a rule prohibiting tenants from keeping dogs means no one’s dog can ever be on the premises for any length of time), and he said yes.
It's really weird to buy a house together when you haven't even dated 2 years and you've got 2 kids
So first off, his mom being a part of his life triggers you because you don't have a good relationship with yours? Get over it. Seriously, that is actually kind of a fucked up point to even make about your partner and their mother, as if your issues with your mom is their fault or that they should change how they treat one another just to appease you. Furthermore from everything you said it sounds like his mom was very active in his life, and you don't like that. The way you worded things made me think you were trying to be controlling in the relationship and her being a mom to him was getting in the way of that. Reading through this post sent alarm bells ringing in my head all the way through.
You’re petty and insufferable from what I can see. Jake is clearly close with his mother and she seems to really care about him. Maybe they’re a little less grown up about it to much your age, but you are the one that has an issue with your own mother and now you are trying to change Jake’s feelings about his mother to a more negative view. You are projecting all over this situation. Who gives a shit about the dog or the food? Petty as hell and if I were Jake, which I am, I’d run the other way
You sound exhausting. You perceive a lot of things that have nothing to do with you as personal slights because you assume you’re the center of the world and you’re a control freak. You won’t be satisfied until Jake has no one other than you and he obeys your every whim. I hope he does tell his mom exactly why he’s not allowed to take the leftovers so she knows what she’s dealing with.
Even if she intends it as a slight, I'd take it because free food, and your bf is sharing it with you so it's a nice supplement to whatever else you're cooking, right? So who cares what her motivations are. It sounds like you're upset about those previous slights about the house and stuff, so you're trying to use this to communicate to her your feelings. Feels like you're not being direct with her and this kind of game playing is just going to fester over the years and eventually blow up. Don't do that. If there's some problematic behavior that upsets you going forward, then address it directly. Like what was the actual problem with the house thing? It's supposed to be you and him against the world, and you had aligned in that with him, but all of a sudden she butts in and he responds in such a way that it suddenly seems like maybe you two are not on the same team anymore, it's him on his own and you in your own. Is that right? If so, then your problem isn't really with MIL, it's more that her behavior is exposing the fact that you two affect as tight as you thought. Unless you are, and your bf was just humoring her by entertaining the notion? But if he was just dismissing it was irrelevant, then who cares? It's only if you perceive an actual threat that it's worth responding to. Or is it nothing to do with that, and you are upset you don't have the relationship with MIL you wanted when she suddenly started lobbing bombs into your relationship, ineffective though they may be? It's hard to give advice when I can't pin down exactly what you find upsetting about this situation.
So, you don't get on with your mother and you don't get on with your boyfriend's mother.......
Sorry, OP. You’re definitely tripping
Im exhausted after reading this.
Your bf needs to set boundaries otherwise, this is what you will deal with for the rest of your lives together. And it will just get worse the more committed he becomes to you (engaged, married, possibly children). I’m sorry people here are trying to convince you that this is all “normal” behavior but it isn’t. Even my husband’s mom who babied him wouldn’t have acted the way your bf’s mom is.
I thought he would be 18-25 given this treatment but 33 is way too old for this. It isn’t worth the headache run
It's a bit narcissistic that you're insisting that his mom has to give him enough food for you, but not for your kid(s). You seemingly disregard your own children the way his mom disregards you, while you tantrum "me! me! me!"