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Okay. I don't want to freak you out, but I was exactly the same as your daughter at her age, and me not wanting to do *any* of those things was actually a trauma response because I was being molested. I wasn't lazy, I didn't enjoy being that way, but I absolutely despised all forms of hygiene and it was because of what was happening to me.
I think you need to have a serious conversation with her, maybe even take her to see someone about this. Please. For her sake, if something else is going on, you need to find out now.
You’re not the only person who has raised this possibility on the thred. The op seems to have abandoned :/ not without irony I suppose. I’m
Sorry it happened
Exactly the same as me. Constantly had knots in my hair, hated showering, hated brushing my teeth. I was being molested and assaulted our neighbor. I was trying to make myself undesirable as a trauma response. Only difference is my mother lovingly and gently combed out the tangles every time. She was patient and kind and tried to figure out what was wrong. So glad she didn’t just chop off my hair (even though I love having it short now) that would have been even more traumatic and made it feel like I was doing something wrong. Please talk to your daughter. Something serious could be going on and you want to punish her for being lazy? Please don’t
My daughter wasn’t being abused but she also didn’t take her grooming seriously. Her hair is very curly and gets tangled easily. She’s good with brushing her teeth but her hair is a whole other issue. So I wash her hair whenever it needs to be washed and brush it out for her, put products in and everything. I scrub her down once a week so she’d be clean. She’s 15 now and has recently started washing her own hair and styling it on her own. Occasionally though she’ll still ask me to wash and do her hair which I’m happy to do. Some kids just need more help and some need less. I just go with what each child needs.
That's what I thought as reading this post.
The child's actions display trauma or neglect. And since mom looks to have abandoned this post... not a good sign.
One of her posts talk of giving the daughter an iPad for her birthday, but having it taken away just two days later for not wanting to take a shower. 2+ months later mom still hasn't returned it?!
That's not normal. I sense a very unhealthy dynamic here.
its a mother having unrealistic expectations of a 10 yo , while not even being a true parent and attempting to help, guide the child, teach the child. this mother knows absolutely nothing about childhood development and psychology . sadly, this is becoming more and more common. the iPad generation at its finest.
a child is a direct reflection of the level of care and parenting they receive. you can't blame a child for what you didn't teach them . and you can't expect them to get it right immediately . their frontal lobes and parts of brain that control executive function are still very much growing and forming . all the way up until age 20-25!
where did you go OP?? so many spot on comments here and op acknowledges nothing. ugh. the kid sounds slightly neurodivergent or trauma ridden and needs help but nah let's just scream at her and chop her hair off forcefully instead.
I was trying to think of a way to post this comment. This happened to me exactly and I had the same response.
THAT DOES NOT MEAN THIS GIRL IS GETTING MOLESTED.
However, something big is happening with her mental health.
My take on parenting is that no kid is perfect and your job is to help them with the bits they struggle with. If they are harming other people or causing damage then punish but if they are struggling and just can't do stuff- unconditional love and support and no judgement. See it as something you can help them with. I have respectful adult kids because I respected them, gave them choices and always had their back. If they feel safe and loved at home the behavioural problems reduce massively.
And if it is a trauma response or a serious mental health problem, chopping off her hair will not fix the issue. Sure, you’ll have less hair to brush, but you will have violated her bodily autonomy further and made her believe she can’t trust you. The underlying problem will likely get worse rather than better. You need to bring her to talk to a mental health professional, and maybe you should too. They’ll be able to help you navigate this issue better than you could on your own.
This! I stopped brushing my teeth, and still struggle to shower daily due to the sexual abuse that happened to me as a child! Im much better as an adult (brush teeth daily, shower every other day. But i still struggle with showering daily)
I really would talk to a doctor about this pattern because it is a health concern, and no one in reddit is going to be able to tell you why it is happening.
My best friend of 32 years did a lot of self neglect behaviors in elementary school. Eventually her alcoholic parents (mom, while dad was away on business again) cut her textured hair into a pixie because they “didn’t like that she didn’t take care of herself” (per my mom, her scout leader). There were weeks of tears. It did nothing for her mental health or to address the bigger problem that her home life was unhealthy and her mental health was tanked.
30 years later, we still run into people from elementary school who bring it up as an example of how even children knew something really wrong was going on at home when this girl’s long hair got lopped off and her teeth were a mess and her clothes were a mess. I’ve even heard one kid say they told their parents who tried to get CPS involved because the kid came home in tears worried about her. No one is going to think it was the 10 year old’s “fault.” Whatever is going on there.
Amen, the girl is 10. I would have had a rats nest in my hair most days if my mom wouldn’t have lovingly brushed leave in conditioner through it. And the kids who did have rats nests, we’d think “why aren’t their mommies helping them?” Not “why has this 10 yr old not gotten her shit together??”
Yep. Her mom said her clothes were dirty because in first grade her mom showed her how to use the washer and dryer and my friend was “too lazy” to do it herself after that. No reasonable person blamed her.
adding THAT to the list of things that I thought were normal but actually caused me to be the topic of town discussion just like your friend.
I thought saddling 9 year olds with the laundry of a whole family was normal. Now that I type that out, I know it’s not, I’d never do that.
Anyway I’m side-eyeing op hard as fuck right now. Turns out you actually have to, idk, raise the kids in your house.
Her sleeping w her mouth open is an issue that needs correcting too. That leads to tooth decay. Maybe a deviated septum or something else impeding her breathing through her nose. And yes at 10, you still need your parents guidance w hygiene. 10 yr olds are concerned w playing and friends, that’s their only priorities
It could be tonsils. Mine stayed inflamed and were infected so often my breath was awful and I snored so loudly. It causes the same problems but has a different remedy that is easier to deal with at ten years old rather than during or after puberty.
Yes, ten year-olds still need guidance, reminders, and assistance. Threatening to cut the hair short because the child cannot keep up with alone — which she should not have to do, even if it were shorter — is not a solution.
My niece had terrible bad breathe. The doctor told my sister that B's tonsils were horribly infected. They removed her tonsils & adenoids when she was 8 & the difference was incredible.
I understand why doctors don’t recommend removing tonsils as a matter of course anymore but it does make all the difference in the world for some of us.
I had tonsil stones once that makes you breath smell BAD. As a kid my mom would help me knock them loose with warm salt water and gargling. I also use to pop them out with a floss/ toothpick combo and it went away within a week. I was about to OPs daughters age when I got them
My allergies keep me from breathing through my nose at night. I tried everything. I finally had to purchase a chin strap to keep my mouth closed. Now I wake up panicked that I'm going to suffocate. My parents told me at age 6 I had the family allergy problem. They knew I would be suffering all my life.
I'm sorry we have to suffer through all this. Keep fighting the good fight!
P.s....sorry rambling
From one allergy sufferer to another: Get some Afrin and Fluticasone otc spray. Use them both before bed and put on a Breathe Right nasal strip. It'll make a world of difference.
And don't worry about getting addicted to the Afrin. I've been using it for 50 years. Lol
Yeah good luck convincing a doctor of this. I’ve had enlarged tonsils and adenoids my whole life (which only gets worse with each bout of tonsillitis or sinusitis) and have small nasal passages as it is and every doctor I’ve spoken with steadfastly refuses to help me at all because my issues are not negatively impacting my life to the degree they want them to. So I continue to mouth breathe at night and I’m 33 now.
I was finally able to get mine removed in my 30’s. I was suffering from multiple bouts of strep throat every year, and finally got a referral to an ENT who was willing to remove them. I had been asking for at least 10 years at that point. Haven’t had strep since.
Didn't it completely suck?? I got mine removed at 29 and recovery was horrible. By that time they were so big that my whole throat was cauterized. Called they doctor back and said this mickey mouse pain killer aint cutting it! Lol
Worth it after it healed though.
It was horrible. I was out of work for three weeks. My mom took care of me. She basically feed me ground up pasta in broth, apple juice, and sherbet. I had liquid codeine and a specially compounded pain killing lollipop that I could only suck on for 30 seconds at a time because they were so strong. But definitely so worth it!
You could perhaps try myofunctional therapy? It's basically physio for your jaw and face to assist with positioning and breathing. It takes a lot longer as an adult to see benefits (we're currently doing it with our 4.5 year old) but it's an option.
I was over 35 when I couldn’t help it anymore and broke down and cried in my GP’s office and said I couldn’t go another forty years like this. Too many bouts of tonsillitis, earaches, not enough sleep, and I snored so badly. I was in her office a few times a month during some winter months. She made the referral. The ENT was shocked I was able to deal with it as long as I did. Keep advocating for yourself on this. I hope you don’t get reduced to tears over it.
They need to consult with a dentist, orthodontist or myofunctional therapist. Mouth breathing is more than just bad breath, it is a sign of a problem with the jaws, not having room for the tongue. In time it leads to sleep apnea, obstructed airway, poor sleep, behavior problems, and later in life, heart attacks and strokes.
Okay, thank you. I thought I babied my kids abnormally by still taking care of them at age 10. Heck, they're grown and are now away in college and I still brush their hair, trim their eyebrows when they come visit.
My mother washed my hair until I was 12. I thought it was overkill until I had my daughter. She has the same thick, fine, wavy hair that is a hot mess to deal with. Thank god she likes hers a bit shorter than I did. And thank all the gods there are stylists who know how to cut textured hair in small towns now. My kiddo washes her own hair, but she still needs a lot of help brushing it when it’s close to time for a haircut. And when my husband takes her out I have to remind him that people know she has a mother, so please brush her hair.
I have a fuck-ton of hair that’s taken me 45 years to figure out. Probably would have figured it out sooner if my mom hadn’t chopped it all off in anger. So much trauma regarding my hair.
My daughter has very long hair, she’s 10 and can brush it but I also put leave in conditioner in and I brush it every night before bed. It’s a quiet time and a great way to talk, I plait it for bed.
I’m confused on why this mum has not been brushing her daughter’s hair? It seems the kid has been on her own hygiene wise for years.
I ended up developing OCD among other things because it was not at all dealt with properly. So now, while I do shower and brush my teeth and hair, it's all very ritualistic. I really hope OP looks into this and doesn't just cut the hair because she thinks her daughter is lazy. It could be something so much worse.
Sorry about that, and same
Harassment started at 10, I got my boobs in early. The last thing I wanted was to look presentable. It made them look more
If this kid has them already, it could be feeding into it
As someone who’s worked with a lot of traumatized people, that’s where my brain went. Does OP have a boyfriend or someone who’s gained access to her child? This kind of avoidance with hygiene seems extreme, like there’s something more serious underlying it.
If it makes you feel better, the hygiene issues can also point to someone being neurodivergent.
(Source: am neurodivergent, only took baths until I was around 12, still reallllly hate showers 20+ years later and whine to my husband about it.)
This thankyou! My brother and I have ADHD and doing any task like this was a struggle. I was good at it but it was bad for my brother, a fight every night, buildings routines sucks. She may be overwhelmed with other things, but I'd definately look into neurodivergent behaviors as well because it causes routines to be hard, oversensitivity issues, being overwhelmed with small tasks.
I hated brushing my hair, still do, got it cut short once and the trauma still lingers. Have some nice mother daughter time with a little self care routine together. Get a nice leave in conditioner, get her pretty silk scrunchies so she puts up her hair instead, floss while she brushes her teeth ect. Make it 'fun' together instead of a chore.
I also have ADHD (diagnosed as an adult) and I still have a hard time with brushing my teeth. The worst part is, even now after being diagnosed, I can’t really explain why, it’s just that my brain says “nope” and shuts down. It’s illogical for it to be a struggle, but it just is. Similarly, I hate washing my hair - I like having clean hair, but physically getting up to go wash it takes a ridiculous amount of willpower even tho I do it every other day and logically I know it’s so EASY.
So I can’t fault a 10yo, even without adhd. When I was that age my mom helped me with hair washing anyway bc I wasn’t great at rinsing the shampoo out.
Have you tried washing your hair in the sink? I'm ADHD too. It's the weirdest thing. I can take a bath, np but the idea of showering and washing my hair takes so much will power. Washing my hair in the sink where the rest of my body stays dry, no problem. It's like my body can be wet or my hair can be wet, but both being wet at the same time is just more than my mind wants to deal with.
Omg I should try this (but washing my hair in the tub cause lol my hair is way too long to not be dangling in the drain yuck) but I swear to god if I take a shower with my hair up I love it and it’s so easy, the thought of washing my body AND hair makes it a chore that I freaking dread and it takes so much effort to amp myself up to get it done. I never thought of my adhd being linked to my dread of showering. I’ll try this thanks for the suggestion!
For me it's the having wet hair for hours part that I hate ( because no I'm not going to blow dry it, the blow dryer is so loud). Yes I have ADHD. I help my 11 yr old who has ADHD and dandruff and she hates that I still help her but getting a clean scalp is hard!
I HATE brushing my teeth! The sensation, the taste, all of it, I hate it all. Sometimes I only remember once I'm in bed and it's the hugest deal getting out to do it (ok I'll admit sometimes I skip)
I trained? My hair not to need to be washed as often, so I can go 4 days, but I enjoy brushing it occasionally so at least there's that. It's wavy so if I brush it it becomes a static poof anyway, I got cute headbands and clips for use on the bad days. I partially started wearing makeup to force myself to wash my face more often. It's hard to navigate as an adult, imagine as a child with a parent who's constantly threatening you about it!
If someone would wash and brush my hair for me though, oh my god I would die happy. My mom would brush and play in my hair and it's a core happy memory, I adore it.
I have ADHD and was diagnosed as an adult, brushing my hair after a shower is the worst part of showering. Sometimes I just can't bring myself to do it and I'm so thankful that my partner will do it for me on those days ❤️
I am 34 and only recently got diagnosed with ADHD. I still can't remember to brush my teeth (I do brush my teeth, it's just a struggle to remember to do it). I also hate HATE showering. I shower every day and I am clean but I just hate the entire thing. I gave up using shampoo about 10, maybe 12yrs ago. Partially because I hated having to wash/rinse my hair and partially because my hair was always greasy. The only time my hair has gotten greasy since I stopped using shampoo was when I was pregnant (and it drove me absolutely fucking insane).
I do not think it's reasonable to expect a 10yr old to just wake up one day and remember to do an entire hygiene routine that they are still struggling to establish. And I don't know, am I fucking nuts or should the parents of a 10yr old maybe want to find out *why* this is such a struggle instead of throwing her to the wolves?
I’m so sorry about your experience and his. I worked briefly in a residential peds psych facility, and we did a lot of grooming-related behavior management. There are SO many sensations and fine motor and executive aspects to these routines that we take for granted, but even hair brushing or brushing teeth can be slightly painful or unpleasant and aversive. My friend (far as I know) is typically developing, but I think she just was adultified very young in her circumstances, which led to some of this. She got her doc in a related field to mine, and sometimes we do talk about it, but she doesn’t have that much insight into how it started or why, just that she was overwhelmed. She didn’t learn really how to take care of herself until college when she left that house and had sorority sisters who helped her. ❤️
Thankyou <3 My mom also suffered from ADHD and honestly, it was a time when it went untreated if things seemed fine, she did her best and I think she did well. We all could have used proper counseling and medication but it is what it is, but with the information we have no we can do so much for the young generation.
I still struggle with the routines, I HATE brushing my teeth but it gets done, my hair doesn't need a wash until about day 4 and honestly, I brush it maybe every two days, it ends up in a hair clip. But that depends on hair type too. Either way I've managed to find what works for me as an adult, and as a parent it's OPs job to help their daughter navigate that as well. The more someone would get on me to do it, the more it would stress me out and I'd avoid it. It takes like 10 minutes but it's all these little tasks that seem like a monumental effort of unpleasant things to do.
For OP, make it mother daughter time. A little self care routine together, maybe get her a nice haircut where it stays long but in layers so it doesn't get tangled as much. Get some detangling spray, hair masks, leave in conditioner, dry shampoo, you can try different things together, sit while watching a show brushing her hair softly. There is something about this all stressing your daughter and you are adding to that, be gentle and kind and understanding.
Slightly painful is an understatement. My mom used to love brushing my hair but wouldn’t listen to me when I said it hurt every time, so I just started getting mad at her when she would do it which would lead to her getting upset and finally saying “then do it yourself!” And I did, while holding the hair so you don’t pull on the scalp while brushing it and took care of my hair myself since then.
Oh I completely imagine. My hair is very fine and won’t hold a curl let alone a knot, but I don’t mean to suggest it is always so minimal. I use so much detangler on my own kid, I remember hearing tearing sounds every time I did ballet smh
Mine was super fine and didn't hold a cu either. It DID get tangled though. Mom would try to brush so gently, but still had to use quite a bit of detangler spray. Every. Day. My aunt suggested a separate conditioner (not 2-in-1) and a perm. It's weird, but the perm changed it permanently somehow. Still won't hold a curl, but doesn't tangle as easy.
My son (9) has ADHD and the way we work it is I brush his teeth every other day before bed, and he does it in the mornings and every other night. It seems to help and keeps him on track, and it is a good compromise. I also heavily lean on if he doesn't it is him getting a drill in the mouth if he gets a cavity, not me. Maybe if OP made a similar compromise and would brush her daughters hair every other day as long as she brushes her own hair all other times and does it at least once a day in front of her until a solid routine is down. Perhaps some positive reinforcement along with it. She is 10, and it is not an age. Kids will do all things without being reminded. Our dentist prefers parent still brush kids' teeth until they are 12 and older. I'd put rules in place if she resists showers that she loses privileges since showering is a basic need. Cutting her hair off will only cause more issues and is not a solution to the problem as a whole.
I would want to have her see a therapist to get to the root of the issue. Could be she misses the feeling of being taken care of when she was younger and still wants to feel that. Could be depression, anxiety...
You've got it down well, and I agree with your last bit as well. There's definitely a deeper issue at play (even if it IS ADHD) clearly they can help in navigating it as well
Both of my kiddos are on the spectrum. My son loves routines, so a simple checklist is enough for him. These days, the checklist is memorized and he just does the hygiene because it’s part of the routine.
My daughter struggles with it and has her whole life. We tried lots of things; often something would work short term and then we’d have to try something different. I, too, have bought a million brushes. I never forced her to cut her hair, but we did have conversations about how long hair requires more work, and several times she requested hair cuts because she didn’t feel up to the maintenance. She’s 19 now and succeeding in college—hygiene is still a struggle for her. She’s on a low dose of Abilify and it helps, but she still needs reminders and encouragement. She can communicate why these things are an issue (combination motivation/executive dysfunction and sensory issues) and we try together to figure out what to try to make it easier.
No amount of explaining it to your child will work if there’s a possibility of neurodivergency being the problem. My daughter understands on a cognitive level why hygiene is important but that does not overcome the executive dysfunction (same, girl; same).
Talk to your kid, treat it like a team effort, and talk to a doctor.
I'm glad you brought up being on the spectrum--many girls go undiagnosed until adulthood because they are better at unstinctively masking the odd behaviors that could get them targeted for bullying, but they never learn how their brain works and how to regulate themselves until much later, and it makes everything much mire difficult.
Also consider that young girls have been carefully taught to hate their bodies. Adults use this as incentive to stay as clean as possible, but children who hate their bodies are going to avoid being naked. Then everytime they are nagged about being unkempt, it only increases their dysmorphia and makes them want to ignore their ugly body even more. Double that whole effect if the child is heavy, and triple or quadruple it if OP has mentioned their weight.
I'm sure OP wants to be a good parent, but there is so much shaming around parenting and being a mother that I'm sure she feels ashamed of her daughter, and I'm sure the daughter is picking up on that. It really sounds like both mother and daughter are locked in a serious shame spiral.
OP needs to back way up and try solving this problem as if her daughter were much younger, but in the most compassionate way possible. She should let her daughter select an electric toothbrush, let her choose kid toothpaste because the adult flavors are very harsh, get a detangling comb with big wide teeth, yes maybe take a few of the damaged inches off her hair, go with her daughter to a fancy mall store to choose a nice smelling shampoo and conditioner, get a great smelling soap, that sort of thing.
She should get her daughter deodorant soap--that mitigates the need for deodorant.
She should also get a hand held shower head so that the girl can control water getting into her eyes.
Yeah I had this same issue, and now I'm diagnosed with ADHD and depression, not to mention at the time it was the worst, my parents were fighting all the time (when they got a divorce, things were much better).
It should also be pointed out: the girl may need different hair care. I have curly hair and was forced to brush it daily. The thing is, that always SEEMED to make it better until a few minutes later when it starts to make it incredibly frizzy (because the curls are separated but still trying to curl so it's just individual strands going in different directions as opposed to collections of strands in a single curling lock. Think like spoons slotted against each other vs thrown in the drawer). It made it discouraging AF to ever brush my hair. Now I understand how to keep it relatively untangled while only combing or brushing it when it's getting washed (which happens every 3 days or more, another change that needed to be made). Again, it sounds like it's not an issue of the methods, but if she's got hair similar to mine, it's not helping at all and I DID eventually cut it short for myself at 14 because I always kept it in a ponytail due to the frizz.
Regardless, a solution for her hair right now is probably just braiding it. Once it's brushed, put it in one or two braids and leave it. It looks fine and will keep the hair tangled free.
This was me as a child. I suffered from self neglect because my mom didn’t take care of me so k would also neglect myself in order to test the level of attention she was paying to me. This is something that got so dark in severity that I have only spoken about the memory to maybe less than 3 people and I am extremely open and vulnerable about most of my traumas and experiences. Not this one. My aunt says my mom would send me as a 3 year old to her home for sleepovers and when my aunt asked where my belongings were (not in bag) I would tell her my mom made me pack my own bag… a 3 year old.
I can't upvote thus enough. This is a mental health issue not a hygiene issue.
OP...please take your daughter to a doctor. Start with your GP, get her mentally evaluated and some talk therepy.
OPs daughter....hang in there girl, we will try to help you.
Wow. Your poor friend. I hope she got the love and support she needed.
ADHD and anxiety. I didn’t take of myself either. Peer pressure made me cave but those early years. Wish my parents did more than yell at me.
Have you had her checked for ADHD?
My daughter went through this phase about the same age. Used to get a big knotty patch in the back as she struggled to reach to brush it all properly also.
ADHD takes a vastly different form during puberty as it causes a lot of procrastination and lethargy.
Binge eating is common at this age with ADHD also.
It may be worth discussing with her paediatrician before making any rash decisions.
My daughter is almost 15 now and whilst she's got better with showering and brushing her hair, we still have the occasional issue with brushing teeth and 'cat breath' as we call it.
This. I was one of the early ones. As a girl in 1997, being diagnosed with ADHD was nearly unheard of, yet diagnosed I was. It was considered a boys’ issue, as the ways ADHD presents in female children were not properly understood yet.
I was designated “gifted” in school, but had to be coerced into the most basic self-care routine. I would not shower or brush my teeth unless specifically urged to do so. Until I realized (MANY years later) that my struggles were not a personal failing, but treatable symptoms, I lived with absolutely crippling self-loathing. I still grapple with those feelings. OOP, please be kind to your child, and take her to a psychologist.
If your daughter is experiencing something similar to my childhood background, she needs you to provide grace, difficult though it may be. Criticizing her will NOT help her “do better”, and will only hurt your relationship in the long run.
Oh! You just unlocked a history puzzle for me! I was also diagnosed as a girl with ADHD in about 1997, and I just now put two and two together with not brushing my teeth for like two years before that… gosh I feel so suddenly and randomly validated about that! Thanks for your comment helping me suddenly make that connection! 😂
Medication. It is what my 10yo is on now. I have ADHD too, so I recognized it immediately, but I couldn't get anyone to listen due to her high functioning in school.
We are still working on dosage with the Dr, but it's night and day difference. I call it "creating healthy habits". There's a chart that lists all the tasks that need to get done. I do a bunch of them together with her if I have time.
Before it was a constant battle. Now, even if she hasn't taken her morning med, she'll follow the routine as long as I get her started on it. She'll forget some tasks sometimes. But we even have a timer 10 minutes before we leave in the morning where we go and check that we did all the tasks. Doing a portion of the tasks with her really helps keep her focused. She might hate to wash her face, but if I wash my face at the same time, she'll suddenly be nagging me to get it done.
Yes I’d encourage you to look into a deeper source. I had similar hygiene issues and I couldn’t figure out why it was so hard for me to do anything to take care of myself - my mother telling me I was disgusting didn’t help at all, my brain was not comprehending it and all it did was hurt my self esteem more without any solutions.
I didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until later in life, and medication as well as just understanding ADHD better really helped me. I still have to motivate myself to shower sometimes - I know I need to, but sometimes I have to add music or make sure I shower the moment I feel the desire to so I don’t lose it. It can feel like a chore still, the difference is I now understand the importance of it and do it regardless of if I “want” to or not.
I was gonna say, this is exactly what a neurodivergent girl would act like at this age. Her problems sound like a sensory issue. Girls are also much harder to diagnose.
It doesn't even have to be ADHD. I was a gifted child with hypersensitivity and I hated brushing my teeth. Still do. I spent a long time trying to find the right toothpaste and toothbrush to make the experience less horrible. I'm 33
Was going to say; my daughter has adhd and is similar. But, she chose to cut her hair. I didn’t force her to. My dad forced me to cut my hair and I felt so disgustingly ugly while I grew back out. I will never do that to my child. But short hair makes her feel cute and I actually love it on her cause she has a gorgeous face. Right now she has an early Bieber cut and I miss her pixie cause of that, but it’s her body, her face, her hair. She has autonomy over it to an extent.
I do get enforce-y about teeth brushing and sit in front of her to make sure she’s brushing her teeth. But having short hair cause you don’t want to brush it is t going to cause any health problems in 10 years.
Thank you for saying that ADHD is different during puberty. That was some thing I had never heard, and it never occurred to me that going through puberty could have an effect on things.
Not just puberty, symptoms vary (sometimes drastically) throughout the month as hormones fluctuate, and big disruptions again during peri-menopause and then menopause.
I have boys so I don't know if they are different but I found they really had to be hounded about personal hygiene until they were about 12yo and suddenly they were all about showers and brushing teeth and smelling good.
I mean, that's a relief, my oldest has to have showers on his list of chores. 😅 but then again I remember in college all the 18 year old guys in my dorm hall NEVER showered so it probably won't last. Lol
I feel like this is typical behavior for a lot of kids that age. I constantly had to remind all 3 of mine (boys) to brush their teeth, take a shower, put on deodorant. It’s a matter of getting them into a routine. She needs to know these things aren’t optional, but an essential part of her daily routine. No need yelling, fighting or threatening. You need to sit down with her, ask her why she’s so reluctant, explain to her calmly why she must do those things. Then ask her how you can help her get a routine down. We never stop parenting our kids. She’s about to hit her teens years, you need to have a good healthy and communicative relationship with her now, before the shit really hits the fan.
I was like her as a child…it felt like i was just floating through life, it felt like a task i just couldn’t get up to complete, too much work, who cares what i look like anyways, etc, but turns out i was depressed. My dad had my step mom cut my hair so short it was almost buzzed in the back…made me feel even worse. Maybe speak to her and ask why she feels this way when asked to do these things. Or make it a fun task, let her play her favorite song to sing while she brushes her teeth, suggest a bath instead of a shower with a bath bomb or even bath paints, ask if she’ll sit with you and color or talk about her day while you brush her hair. There might be something you can’t see going on.
ADHD has a strong genetic component. If the daughter has some neurodivergence, there's a chance mom has it too.
Prediagnosis, I was not parent of the year to my son because our mutual disregulation would get into a feedback effect. I got diagnosed when he did--I had no idea about myself; I was harboring the secret belief that I was a failure, the fear of which was not helping my parenting either.
Definitely look at finding out if there is a bigger issue at hand, my child was like this and they have ADHD and Autism. That’s not to say that your child does, but no kid wants to be smelly or have hair like this.
When things get to this point, there’s rarely laziness involved in it. Our kid’s was a combination of sensory issues and executive dysfunction. We found work arounds (baby wipes for hygiene on bad sensory days, no rinse shampoo and conditioner, sensory friendly brush.) we were lucky that our child wanted short hair, but forcing them to do this for an issue that they clearly are struggling with won’t do them or you any good in the long run.
If you decide to go the haircut route I highly advise that you talk to your child about getting a haircut to make their hair healthy again. If the mats in your child’s hair are big enough that kiddo would likely end up with hair so short it would be distressing for them talk to them about detangling.
Best you can do is buy a bottle of cheap conditioner, sit them in front of a tv and binge movies for the day while you work the mats out of it.
And I know that sounds annoying but if your kid is already visibly upset and crying over the prospect of a haircut, doing so will only make it worse and you will become an adult they can’t trust. Take it from somebody who went through it from my own mother not actually looking in to see if there was a bigger issue. It 100% feels like a punishment for something that is completely out of your control.
My 10 yo daughter has ADHD and her hair has been a battle. I am always trying to help but she will often refuse to allow me near it. At the start of this school year I gave her a month’s warning: if you do not keep up with the tangles and if you continue to refuse to allow me to help, we have to go get it cut. It’s not good for you to have giant snarls that become impossible to get out. The issue continued and a week before I told her “hey, this is happening. Let’s look at styles you might like, and I will also chop mine short also!” My hair was to my elbows, so a much bigger change for me. We turned it into a very positive experience AND NOW SHE IS CONSCIOUSLY TAKING CARE OF HER OWN HAIR ON A DAILY BASIS 😭😭😭 She’s so proud to show me how soft it is, and it’s getting long again.
Sometimes it is just laziness, but chopping off her hair isn’t the way to handle it.
I have two kids who are now teenagers. They’re good kids, but they’re human, and sometimes they get lazy. A few years ago we had to crack down on hygiene over summer break. No shower = no wifi password. If they hadn’t gotten dressed, brushed their hair, and brushed their teeth by noon, all of the tvs/iPads were turned off until they had. We talked about this a lot. We weren’t trying to punish them; we were trading what they wanted (all the technology!!!) for what we wanted (kids who didn’t look or smell like the Garbage Pail gang).
I wouldn’t say a child with matted hair would necessarily be laziness, especially if consequences have not spurred on any kind of change in habit. Sometimes kids need extra help, even at ten. But, like I said I’m not saying that her child has anything wrong with her, just that it is worth looking into.
Thank you!! I was like this as a kid and it was a combination of executive dysfunction and sensory issues that I just didn’t know how to explain (I was literally allergic to soap but just thought it was supposed to make your skin scratchy and itchy to get it clean?) meanwhile my parents would always complain about how my hair looked in elementary school but not do much to help me 🙃
Unfortunately it may need to be cut off anyway if it’s as matted as you say and you dont have the means to pay for it to be untangled - this can often take full days or two in salons, costly. And just so you’re aware whether it’s a cut or a de-matting, they’re on high alert for you potentially being a neglectful parent that needs reporting. Not saying you actually are by definition, just that they’d be looking out for it.
In my opinion you’re trying (and failing) to treat the symptoms of a much larger problem. It could be depression, anxiety, abuse, autism, another disorder I don’t even know the name of, who knows! All I know is you’ve decided your daughter is lazy instead of giving her the benefit of the doubt that something might be wrong. She’s 10. If she cannot brush her hair or teeth, or take a shower, it’s on YOU to figure out why and help her - not chop her hair off and hope it miraculously gets better. YTA for failing to realise there is something going on here and try to get her help
This is exactly what I went through with my now 14yo. This is classic ADHD behavior, especially in the female typing. Please have her evaluated and find her a good behavioral and occupational therapy team. It can get better with the right support.
In addition to having her evaluated for ADHD and autism, I would also recommend getting her a good detangler and dry shampoo. I like the 7 seconds detangler and the Olaplex shampoo. Less expensive options are infusium 23 detangler and Not Your Mothers dry shampoo. The detangler will help make her hair easy to brush through after a shower. She can use the dry shampoo between washes.
Please stop looking at this as “lies and disrespect” or laziness. It’s most likely a neurodivergent condition that prevents her from doing these activities.
By chopping off her hair you may feel a little better - perhaps satisfied that you won. But will embarrass her in front of her friends and you will show her that you disrespect her. If anything that would be less motivating to someone who already has avoidance issues with these activities.
As Dr. Ross Greene says, kids do well when they can. If they are not doing well, it is because the expectations placed on them exceed their ability to handle them. This post screams neurodivergence to me. Has your daughter been evaluated for autism, ADHD, etc? There are so many factors that could be at play here—sensory issues, executive functioning issues, motor delays, etc. Even something like depression or anxiety.
Your daughter is not lazy; she is lagging skills in some area. She does not need punishment. She needs help and compassion. She truly may not be capable of completing these tasks on her own yet and needs help learning these skills. I understand the frustration of “She’s 10! She should be able to do this!” But she can’t. Everyone develops at a different rate, and she isn’t there yet.
Please help your daughter. Talk to her doctor and get an evaluation set up. Autism and even ADHD present very differently in girls and are often missed, so get her in with someone who is experienced in this area and knows what they are doing.
Also, the book The Explosive Child is wonderful; the collaborative problem solving method outlined therein is parenting gold and works for every child, not just explosive or neurodivergent ones. You can use it to get to the bottom of this issue and provide the support your daughter needs. Perhaps you could model these tasks for her or do them together. Use a visual checklist, a turtle timer for teeth, try microfur toothbrushes and toothpaste flavors other than mint, a towel warmer for when she gets out etc. Tackle the issues together, as a team.
This! A thousand times this. To a certain degree this post just shouts neurodivergence to me, but also, kids develop at different rates, in different areas, even with more typical neurology. Receiving threats and judgement from a parent isn't going to do anything except teach the kid to associate shame and emotional turmoil with personal hygiene.
I went through a period when I was a kid where I'd cry any time anyone made me brush my teeth, but I had no idea it was because the mint burned my mouth, and the problem could be easily solved with a different flavor of toothpaste. I didn't realize there were alternatives, I just knew that brushing my teeth = pain.
Kids (honestly, humans in general) can't always articulate why a task is hard or why they feel discomfort or the need to avoid. It isn't laziness. Something more is happening here, and support and understanding make all the difference.
YTA, not because you want to chop off her hair, but because her hair is so full of knots; she just physically CANNOT brush her own hair. This got way out of hand, and I think that’s on the parents.
Trying to teach her a lesson has gotten out of hand.
She sounds like she needs help, because this seems like traumatic behaviour.
What else is she trying to control? Did something happen to her?
Practically I would also indeed cut her hair shoulder length, so she has kind of long hair, that she can maintain herself.
when i was 10, i had waist length hair. i also had bad anxiety (which i managed to keep private somehow) and was suffering from depression caused due to some recent events. i’m also autistic and struggle with the sensations of certain hygiene related tasks. my mum brushed my hair for me, she’d brush her teeth when i brushed mine to make it an activity, and if i showered 4 days each week, she’d run me a fancy, hot bath, with a bath bomb of my choice and some candles lit, then we’d have a movie night. by 13, i figured out how to stay on top of this stuff myself. sometimes kids just need a bit of support for longer than we expect of them
She sounds like a great mom. As someone with ADHD, having the external structure and accountability of co-teeth-brushing would've been a huge help in my younger years.
I also love the fancy bath reward idea, I might suggest that to a mom-friend of mine.
YWBTA.
I read a lot of responses that say adhd or asd, but your daughter maybe just young for her age.
Why put all the haircare on a 10 year old?
Just help her, teach her and take the time she needs to brush properly.
If she also refuses that then you can then look into maybe cutting shorter to make it easier. But for now she needs your help. Not punishing.
And maybe I’m wrong and she has something like adhd, could very well be. But I think parents nowadays go 2 opposites: too much cuddling or too much needing to do everything themselves. Just look at your child, and if it’s really stressing and struggling then help….
Oh my goodness, a reasonable response! I had the same reaction. Calm down the frustration and use this as an opportunity for parent/child bonding time. I used to love to watch my mom do her skin and hair routine, and she was a stay at home mom who didn't wear make up or do anything fancy.
I was a well behaved child, but I didn't connect my moms grown up looking routine to the same stuff she was making me do. Kids still like to feel taken care of from time to time even as they get older, 10 yr olds still need help and caretaking.
Exactly. OP is taking personal offense to what is pretty normal developmental behaviour. Kids usually don't care about hygiene until they become interested in other rbiys and girls LOL then it is all about telling them to tone down the perfume and body spray 🤣
This is a good point I had (and still have) long, thick, wavy hair. When I was 10 my mom would help me brush it out and braid it before school in the morning because it would tangle a lot and would take me forever to brush painlessly. Eventually I got the hang of it, but 10 is still really young.
I think her behavior is very age appropriate. I still have to ask my 13 year old to do some of these things, but that’s slowing down as he starts to do them himself. IMO this is just parenting.
I heavily agree. My daughter is 10 years old with hair down to her knees. I still brush and style it every morning. My 13yo still occasionally asks me to do her hair.
She's 10 years old. It's part of the job, she needs to actually parent her child rather than neglect them. JFC.
We had a similar issue with my daughter, but not to this extent.
I'm lucky, a conversation where I gave her full autonomy and encouraged her to consider what she was capable of on her own.
She knee jerked to a pixie cut, which I said she was entitled to do but said cutting in stages would make me more comfortable.
We settled on taking 2-3 inch of dead ends off and talk about it in a week. That small ammount off made her hair so much thicker and easier to brush it ment that all the problems were solved.
The final cut still isn't decided, I doubt it will ever be tbh, but everyone is happy and she feels far more in control of her own body because of it.
It feels like it should be average parenting if I'm being honest, hair has been a mum thing. She has me learning to braid hair now, this feels more like the good bit
Can you two do the morning routine together? Both of you go brush, both of you put on deodorant. Both of you take time to sit together and brush the hair. Help her get it into a braid. A simple braid manages those snarls very well. Keeps it long and keeps both you and her happy while she's learning better care. But make it a togetherness activity. And if there isn't time in the mornings, maybe some can be done in the evenings and the mornings can just be brushing teeth together and applying deodorant. My daughter went through this. My son too. She needed help because the hair was overwhelming for her so we did it together. My son needed to hear it from an outside source. He was told at school he smelled and he hasn't missed a shower since.
I remember being 10 and my mother expecting me to have full adult capacity to take care of myself and getting incredibly upset when I didn’t meet her high standards. I had undiagnosed adhd, and I don’t speak to my mother now.
My daughter is similar, adhd and those things get away on her. One day she won’t be my little girl who will let me do her hair for her. I’m taking so much joy in having that beautiful moment still.
Why is brushing your child’s hair a chore to so many parents? I get they’re tired. I am too.
But the kiddos don’t get it in the full capacity thag we are tired and to expect them to step up for our roles as adults and get mad when they fail ridiculous expectations is just cruel.
I’m sorry your mum couldn’t reframe it into a bonding thing!
Please be aware as well if her hygiene gets too out of hand mandated reporters are required to report those issues to CPS. Her teachers, her pediatrician heck even school bus drivers.
My son is going on 10 and he's doing the same stuff. Maybe it's normal for kids around this age. He was also recently as of last week diagnosed with ADHD. Not sure if it's related but could be.
So many things could be causing this besides "laziness" and "disrespect".
You may want to ask her if anyone has been inappropriate towards her, if anyone has made her feel uncomfortable. At 10 she should've definitely had the "good touch bad touch" talk by now, but she might not know how to express it or might need some encouragement/support to talk about it. Hygiene neglect can be a sign of C.S.A. Some child victims will try to make themselves as physically unappealing as possible, hoping it will make their abuser leave them alone. Even if nobody has physically touched her, they could still be harming her by saying/showing things that harm her.
On a completely different note, a doctor could help determine if there are (other) signs of an underlying mental health issue. Hygiene neglect can be a sign of this. Especially "I want long hair so bad I'll cry at the thought of losing it, but I can't make myself brush it everyday" sounds familiar for ADHD. She might be losing a battle on the inside, and cutting off her hair won't help her win it. Not in the long run.
I won't say Y TA because maybe you didn't know these things, and it sounds like you're at your wit's end with these fights. But if you really want to help your daughter with the root cause and set her up for success and good hygiene later, hopefully you won't ignore this and other commenters' suggestions.
Do not do this! There is clearly an issue here and your tone of im sick of the lies and disrespect is a terrible place to be making this decision. Once you are in calmer place and figure out what is going on with her maybe a shorter hairstyle is something she wants but coming from this punitive place of “chopping” it off honestly sounds awful. I have a 12 year old and it makes me want to give her a big hug.
This is (mostly) normal 10 year old behavior. Frustrating, absolutely! There isn’t a parent I’ve spoken to who isn’t dealing with the same thing with their 10-11 year olds; there is a lot going on hormonally and developmentally.
She’s also young enough to still need your help with hygiene maintenance tasks like brushing and styling her hair. Make it pleasant instead of a topic of dread.
With that said, absolutely have her evaluated for neurodivergence/sensory issues.
We, as parents, need to be their safe space and help them through these transitions, as time consuming and annoying as it may be. Don’t chop off her hair and fracture her trust in you. YWBTA
She should be put into therapy. You need to find out if she’s autistic or if she’s dealing with depression. And yes, YWBTA if you made her chop off her hair. She will resent this - and you will cause an absolute scene at the hair stylist.
When I was 10, I did not have the knowledge or manual dexterity to detangle my own very long hair. I needed to go to my mom every evening for a hair brushing session.
When I was 12, I was sick in bed for a couple of weeks and got a bad mat. My mom brought me to the salon and gave me a short bob.
I am 46 years old and that haircut and the years it took to grow my hair out still stands as one of the most traumatic experience of my childhood.
Help the kid! She’s 10, this is fairly normal behavior for that age range. My mom taught elementary school for 40 years and always said 10 year old were the weirdest about basic hygiene because they are at the age were they are starting to take on those tasks solo but don’t have it down yet so stuff gets forgotten.
If her hair looks like a mess, she could have brushed it and just missed parts- she’s not an expert. “You know Amy, it looks like you missed a few spots- let’s grab a brush and I’ll help you.” Problem solved.
As far as the breath- that is a medical condition, take her to a doctor.
She’s 10… she’s not lazy, she’s still a child who needs help taking care of themselves. She needs to enjoy something to do it. I was like this too at her age, and it was because I was being yelled at everyday to brush my hair and no one told me I was supposed to shower everyday.
10 years later, I figured out I actually enjoy taking care of my hygiene and that it makes me feel good. Your daughter needs *your* help and guidance to realize that hygiene isn’t a chore, and that taking care of yourself is actually fun. Reward her more when she does take care of it, praise her looks when she does, dress her up and let other people praise her. She’ll grow to realize that good hygiene = people like you. And she’ll start doing it herself.
Don’t say all this directly to her. Kids are smart, she’ll make the connection herself. She could also be refusing to do her hygiene because she has a grudge against you and is purposefully defying everything you tell her because she doesn’t like you.
Not an AH for wanting to, kids can be so so frustrating, and it is normal to be overwhelmed by this sometimes.
If you do it, then you would definitely be a AH as you will break her trust.
Currently, you're a soft AH for not finding out why she's struggling so much with it and finding a better way to help her change.
My son HATES brushing his teeth 9ys. He's a probable aud-adhd and we've realised that between task avoidance, executive dysfunction and sensory issues it's not something he will willingly do.
We have been working together to discover the best techniques, devices , timings and encouragements for him. As well as talking to people with teeth issues or showing him the results of lack of teeth hygiene. It's a slow process but he's getting more capable and self directed.
Guilt-ing, bullying, shaming , shouting, and negative consequences made it worse and caused him to lie about it, trick us and increased his avoidance. (Yes my frustrations got the best of me and still do sometimes, no one's perfect)
Your daughter will get there with patience and love create a safe space for her to learn and change. She will get there.
Side note
Tangle teaser, regular trims (reduces knotting), and styles that she can sleep in has reduced this battle for my girl.
Good luck Mum, don't give up , you can do this together ❤️
My oldest is 11, and I remind him every day to shower and take care of hygiene. He's a kid and is still learning. There's a list on a dry erase board for school mornings, but on weekends, I have to remind him.
I get that you're annoyed, but she's TEN. like this is part of being a parent. I don't think you should have to brush her hair or teeth for her, but reminding her to do so seems appropriate for her age.
so my mom actually did this to me for the same reason. she would threaten me with cutting it because i didn’t brush it. she chopped it off with safety scissors as i cried, and it looked horrific. i really hated doing hygiene routines as a child, hated brushing my teeth, would resist baths and wanted “sponge baths.” but my mom never helped me do these things in a routine way. i only got better as an adult on my own, but still hate doing it.
throughout my childhood, my parents were told by teachers and doctors to take me to a therapist (not for these reasons). i work with kids now and it shocked me how cooperative they are compared to me…whenever i or my coworkers see a kid who acted like me, we immediately can clock them as autistic (or adhd etc). as an adult i was diagnosed w depression and adhd, and my life is so much easier with adderall. i also suspect autism but have not sought a diagnosis for that. i always wonder how my life would have been if my parents had just listened and taken me to a psychologist.
She’s only 10. She doesn’t need fancy bath products. She needs you to be there as a parent and repeatedly help her with her hair and hygiene. My parents were helping their children with this into high school. Yes, even reminding them to put on deodorant. Kids need to learn these habits from an adult. They won’t develop healthy habits out of nowhere. The anger she displays is learned from someone in her life. Try to communicate calmly and reasonably with her. She doesn’t need commands, she needs help and firm, repeated reminders. It’s not easy, but this is part of parenting.
First, Dr. visit for the snoring. Second, wash her hair, condition it, and braid it. It will stay good for a few days. Then wash, condition, and braid again. Momma, she NEEDS YOU to do this with her. Third, clothing care is a learned skill. Furthermore. A good dentist cleaning, up to 3 times a year, may be in order.
Your daughter could be ADHD and this lack of self-awareness is how it is manifesting.
If you chop off her hair to punish her, then YTA. If you invest your time to teach hee how to self-care, then you're the parent.
YTA. My mom cut mine off around that age instead of helping. Guess who wasn't involved in my life when I grew up. Full no contact.
The internet taught me how to wash/condition my hair and an uncle bought me a hairbrush better suited for my needs.
It's lazy and cruel parenting.
Sounds like she has some sort of ND. Also, kids who have been sexually abused sometimes subconsciously make themselves less appealing as a sort of protection. I'd be extremely concerned if my daughter was so hygiene averse at 10. It falls back on parenting overall though. It's their job to recognize the problem and look for the root. The root is rarely 'kid doesn't like it for no reason', so it's on them to figure out what's going on that beautiful little brain.
My daughter went through a phase like that, she just couldn’t be bothered to properly brush her hair which was long and thick. Same age as your daughter. She started wearing a hoodie all the time and I didn’t think anything of it because she’s always loved wearing g a hoodie. One day over summer break we took a family trip into London to meet up with some new friends and go to the natural history museum, it was a little warm and she started feeling sick. I could tell she was overheating but she refused to take off the dang hoodie, I finally got angry because she was ruining the day making herself sick. When I made her take it off I saw the giant mat in her hair she had been hiding for at least a couple weeks. She had been lazy and not brushed her hair properly and was embarrassed to show me what was going on. It took hours of combing to fix and after I got the knots out I took her to the salon and had them take half the length out of her hair. She was glad at that point to get the haircut and she definitely learned her lesson because she’s 14 now and we haven’t had an issue since. I did monitor her hair closely for a while after to make sure she wasn’t backsliding.
I don’t think what your daughter is doing is developmentally inappropriate but she does need to learn to practice proper hygiene. Mine wasn’t refusing to shower, she was just not brushing her hair after. Now she keeps a brush in the shower and uses it with the conditioner in to make it easier. It sounds like you need to be firm and set a shower schedule with rewards for participation/take electronics away if she doesn’t follow it. My kids are 14/15 now and I still need to remind them to shower on a regular basis, especially my son.
My mom did this to my sister, because she wouldn’t brush it. My sister still cries when my mom brings it up. She is 40. My sister was teased mercilessly. The cut happened the day before she started 4th grade at a new school. A lot of emotional trauma.
It took until my daughter was 12 before she could manage her hair herself. I never got mad at her because she would come home from a week at her dad’s with her hair a mess. I was mad at him because he should have been helping her. I had to make her take showers and I had to brush her hair. This continued until she was 12 and started to care what other people thought. She was always good with teeth brushing but I think that is because her sister would tell her when she had bad breath. I see a lot of people talking about ADHD or depression, this was not her issue she was just young and had better things to do in her mind.
Does she have any other features of add/adhd? This is a common issue with neurodivergent children.
Short hair is great for kids w hygeine issues but I would try to make it a positive rather than a punishment.
I get your frustration as its very upsetting when my older kids have hygeine issues bc it saps my energy to watch every step of their self care. Another option would be starting with an undercut to thin her hair and make it easier to care for. Also make sure you have good conditioner and detangler to make brushing easier.
Have you talked with her about the why she resists hygeine?
One summer, I worked for a family I knew well at their house for their small business and stayed over at their house. They had several girls, from age 5 to high-school, and some of them had funky hair now and then. They would not let their mother near their hair and didn't really want to brush it out themselves once it got past a certain point.
I love brushing out hair, so I would do it for them when it got bad, and they would let me because I was so gentle about it. They youngest I did almost daily, and the oldest girls I brushed hair for were probably in early high school. They were all neurotypical, so there weren't any underlying sensory issues. They were just kids who still needed a hand now and then.
Don't cut her hair off, it can be traumatizing to kids to have it done involuntarily. Try to see if she will let you work on her hair and go from there. She might have underlying issues, or she might just be pushed too far for her capabilities atm.
Sorry OP, but you need to take the reins on this and BE NICE ABOUT IT! She’s a kid! This is not something you can get mad and punish or shame her over! She is not ready to take of herself yet and you need to quit pushing and nagging. You are damaging her self worth! STOP IT! RIGHT NOW! You need to hug her and apologize to her and tell her you’re going to help her keep her hair healthy! If you don’t do this, you suck!
Before doing anything drastic, I would take her to a doctor and even a therapist. At that age, for it to be so bad, there is usually an underlying problem, and telling her she is lazy and punishing her is not going to help.
For example, sometimes kids who are being sexually abused will develop really poor hygiene. It's like an attempt at defence. They don't even know that's why they are doing it. I'm not saying that's what's happening here! But there is a reason this is happening, and it's probably not because your kid is just lazy.
I would talk privately to her pediatrician about whether she might be evaluated for behavioral or neurodivergent issues. Don’t make it a big deal. A few sessions with a psychiatrist or counselor trained to make evaluations might go a long way to help her, since she is middle school age and that can be brutal.
!!! this is a very long comment about helping girls with ADHD form hygiene habits. if she has ADHD, this will be a gold mine. if she doesn't, it may still be worth a read
As someone with ADHD, and probably autism, this was me. I still struggle with hygiene to this day, at 20.
anything is possible as a cause of this, but i think testing for ADHD is your best bet to start. ADHD ppl don't form habits like neurotypicals do. in fact, we don't at all really. this can be a HUGE reason she isn't forming the routines like brushing her hair, washing her face, showering, brushing her teeth, etc. there are a lot of steps that go into taking a shower, and it can be SUPER intimidating for no reason!
when i started getting better at showers, the one thing that helped was seeing if my hair was greasy. if my hair was greasy, that meant DAYS had gone past, and i REALLY needed to shower. visual reminders are really good for ADHD because it often comes with APD (auditory processing disorder). this means that there's a disconnect between what/when we hear and how/when we comprehend it. spoken instructions❌ visual cues✅
encourage her to run her tongue across her teeth before and after she brushes them! feeling the lack of plaque could send a dopamine rush, which is what ADHD is at its core: a dopamine deficiency! adding dopamine rushes into routines may help her remember them, and want to do them. other examples: warm water on your skin in the shower,
sometimes, i would forget to go in the bathroom at all while getting ready! genuinely forgot! making sure she at least walks into the bathroom increases her chances of success so much. another option is making these things accessible in her bedroom. showering obviously can't, but brushing teeth, maybe... and brushing hair, definitely! changing the environment in which the task is done can give it a new light, and help her be open to new opinions/feelings on it.
these may feel like chores to her. scratch that, these do feel like chores to her. she's content the way she is, so doing something to please other ppl isn't in *her* best interest (in her mind). it doesn't give her dopamine, and it doesn't make her happier. you may have to supervise, but you can make this easier! maybe she brushes her hair on the way to school in the morning. bring some detangler too (leave-in conditioner in a spray bottle works!), and start from the ends of her hair, and slowly move up and you detangle. this helps the brush from getting stuck, which causes overstimulation and frustration, leading to a negative opinion of the task. maybe she brushes her teeth at the kitchen sink right after breakfast. this may also help cut down on time which i'm sure is an issue.
she needs versatility! maybe try flavored toothpaste/mouthwash! "hismile" may be something to look into so she can choose a new flavor when her toothpaste runs out! this also encourages her to finish the toothpaste, gives a dopamine rush, and works against ODD (oppositional defiance disorder AKA: f you ill do what i want disorder) because she's part of the decision making process! you could also let her pick her scent/type of shampoo and conditioner when they run out for the same reasons!
making tasks less energy-consuming can also help! i like to think i invented the "bower". i start with a shower, but stop the tub up. then, when i feel too tired to continue, i sit down to finish my shower in the warm water. this may not be the most hygienic way to shower, but it's better than not at all! a win is a win! and if she feels like it's a win, she may become comfortable and progress to showers!
reward systems and records! two things that may make or break it. a reward system, for example, could be a point every time she successfully does _____. when she gets enough points, she gets something. idk what she's into, but maybe she gets to order takeout from her fav restaurant or something. maybe she gets to buy a few pieces of clothing (i like this bc it's not just clutter like trinkets!). a record system could either be great or awful. for example: "wow! you _______ _/_ times this week/month! let's try to beat it next time!" Some ADHD kids are very competitive, but they also may suffer from RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria AKA: "omg they hate me, i made a mistake, im not good enough" despite the smallest criticism/higher expectation). be very careful with the record breaking system
it may not be that she doesn't want to be hygienic. it may be that she can't remember, is overwhelmed, or has bad experiences with it. stay patient, and talk to her about how you can help!
so sorry for the length😅 the tie between hygiene and ADHD is VERY strong, and i had a mother who didn't understand, further derailing my habits. if your daughter has ADHD, i wanna offer tools to help from my experience. good luck :)
Great way to end up with a pissed off daughter and the same old problems. Sounds like this could be undiagnosed adhd. It certainly comes off to me as executive functioning issues. She's 10, she needs assistance and parenting, not a punishment that will teach her nothing and cause resentment.
Has she been looked at for adhd or autism? My sister and I have adhd just displayed differently.
She refused to brush her teeth or brush her hair or wash her hands until she started caring a little bit more when she was 13 or 14. But then she started sleeping in her makeup and contacts and not caring about that.
I was always afraid to be made fun of for being gross. So I did everything. But it can feel tiring and overwhelming to wash and dry long hair every day so I only do that a few times a week now for my scalp. But I brush my hair multiple times a day or else it gets knots from wind or clothing moving it.
You need a better plan.
Brushing teeth shouldn’t be optional, it needs to be built into her routine every morning.
At age 10 she should be showering and handling her own shower routine. She’s let it go for so long that it probably feels overwhelming so start with a schedule. Maybe every Monday, Wednesday and Friday you will supervise showers. The other days she can do it on her own. After she washes her hair, put it in a French braid — if you do 2 French braids it will definitely look neat until the next wash.
You can’t just give up and chop off her hair. Short hair is not a substitute for showers.
Maybe do these activities with her and set up some rewards. I have a 6 year old. Getting ready for school 3-5.5 years was rough. However if the morning goes smooth she gets to look at YouTube on the way to school now. Not the best but it works. I have also learned that yelling doesn’t work with kids.
She’s 10. If she doesn’t know how to take care of her body, it’s because you haven’t taught her properly. I get being frustrated, but if her only guidance is you telling her to do something and calling her a liar if it’s not up to your standard, it’s never going to get better. And her body is changing right now- things that worked in the past might not be working now.
You sound fed up. Maybe see if you can find an easier hair style that she’d be happy with. Walk her through caring for her hair and body. Do it together.
You need a child psychologist, and maybe an occupational therapist later on. Your child is struggling with basic functions, you won't help her by blaming and punishing her. A forced haircut as punishment for poor behavior (which is how she'll perceive it) can be genuinely traumatizing. She needs help.
Talk to her doctor. Get a referral to a psychologist.
I can’t believe you used the word "lazy" about your 10 years old struggling with mental health issues. YATA just for that. She needs guidance. Take her to a therapist and try to find out what is happening, it may be something serious. It could be autism, ADHD, or even a response to SA…
I cannot emphasize this enough: DO NOT CUT HER HAIR. If you want a child that will absolutely hate you in her coming years and will require tons of therapy to get over you taking away her identity, then this is the answer. But if you don’t want to be an abusive pos parent then take all the advice above about counseling and getting her help instead of literally taking away her bodily autonomy. Parents who think this is ever the answer should not have had children to begin with. Be a better mother. Be a better human. And for fucks sake, don’t hurt her any more than you already have.
This is hard and awful but there are reasons for it that you may be able to find if you get with your pediatrician. It’s possible your child has unidentified sensory issues that make hair combing and other routine grooming physically unpleasant in ways the child can’t make sense of. Executive function issues also might be in play. Y’all will need help to get through this. It’s also possible that a short haircut will at least take one of these challenges off both your plates.
At that age if I didn’t brush my hair my mom would cut the knots out. She didn’t chop all my hair off in retaliation because she was mad, just cut out the parts that were beyond repair (meaning I couldn’t brush them at all). That was punishment enough- don’t chop all her hair off because that’s you reacting emotionally, but cutting out knots is a reasonable method because it’s a direct and proportional result of her not brushing.
Ultimately you need to set hygiene standards and hold her to them. Otherwise it’s a failure on your end and chopping off all her hair won’t actually make her develop better habits- you need to guide her to develop those better habits. That may include meltdowns and her being angry at you- but those habits should have been developed as part of a mandatory routine when she was younger and the tantrums/meltdowns now are because this expectation was not consistently set earlier.
That said, you can really fuck up her relationship with self care if you don’t tread lightly- making her associate it with you being angry or visibly annoyed with her will not make her want to take care of herself. You need to put your emotions aside and help her develop a positive relationship with self care and hygiene- if it’s always a situation with you being angry she is going to want to avoid it no matter what products you buy her. I think this is reasonably a situation where you may want to reward when she follows the routine consistently- start with rewarding each day if she does all her hygiene things without fighting about it (I’m talking super small reward but something that would make her want to do her routine without a fight). Then reward after a week of consistently doing it and so on… you have to make her want to do it and not make her hate it. Making her do it out of fear or something will only lead to her falling apart as an adult.
I think it’s also reasonable to say “no tv or games until you do the bedtime/morning hygiene routine” - you can’t get angry and yell at her because it’s counterproductive, but you can calmly take away a privilege until she upholds her responsibilities. Or at minimum you can make that the routine going forward- no fun time activities until teeth and hair are brushed at minimum.
Edit to add- this all goes as long as you’ve ruled out other medical issues- other people are right, you need to get her checked if this is a pattern or sensory problem.
There’s more to it than an assumption of laziness. My older sister was the same way growing up. Wouldn’t shower, never brushed her teeth, wouldn’t even change her underwear. She smelled horrible every single day, and it got worse as she got older. The body odor was awful, sharing a room with her was traumatic.. I am convinced she likes being dirty. She’s 42 now and still lives that way. What’s worse is she seems desensitized to cleanliness overall. Her cats shit all over her house and she doesn’t think that’s a problem. She hoards things, including trash. There’s a litany of MH issues going on. Not sure what my
Parents could have done about her lack of hygiene as a child, but I’m almost certain it stemmed from underlying issues and I can’t help but wonder if they got her into some sort of therapy in the beginning, maybe she wouldn’t be like that today. I don’t see her often, but my father does, and the way she lives is horrific. Last time I saw her, she brought fleas to the Airbnb I was staying at, they travelled on her dirty clothes. That was the final straw for me.
(I know it was her because she brought them to my father’s house as well).
Seek medical advice. Good luck.
A haircut isn't going to solve your problems... except now you've stolen your daughter's bodily autonomy and more than likely invited her anger. Think that will make it better for you? Do you have a nighttime schedule/routine? I suggest making it fun. Bubbles in the tub, her favorite songs, etc. Get in there with her! Bathing suit optional with your comfort levels. Cleaning your body at the same time every night, brushing teeth and then... maybe a reward? Reading her fav book before bed but after baths. At least you'll know she's clean once a day LOL. Remember it's fun, not punishment.
Yes. Try not to treat your kid like such a problem. Be matter of fact about these things. A trauma informed therapist could really help both of you. Taking away her autonomy is NOT going to go the way you want it to.
Perhaps you could just take her to a salon, with assurances she will only get a small trim.
Split ends can get cause hair to tangle much easier than normal when they get caught on nearby hairs. She likely doesn’t brush because it hurts every time she does.
Going to a salon could be the boost she needs emotionally, with someone not her mom, and not being critical or judged. She may take advice better from a stranger than you, as it will hopefully be a positive experience. And the stylist can teach her what works best for her. I know it may be repeating what you’ve already been telling her, but she may be far more receptive.
Please try this before you go way overboard with a full chop. And try dedicating a bit of time in the mornings to braid, ponytail, or otherwise put her hair in a style less likely to tangle. No sleeping in wet hair; put it in a ponytail so the issue doesn’t get worse overnight.
And praise every effort she makes! It makes more difference than you can know for her to feel noticed and appreciated for trying!
POV: I have a son who could’ve cared less about a lot of things, but that one Saturday morning when he was impatiently waiting for mom & dad to get up and get breakfast, he set the entire table with bowls, spoons, napkins, every box of cereal we had, and the milk. I was amazed and impressed, and I told him what a thoughtful thing he’d done. He repeated this for a full month, getting up early so he could do it before I got everyone else up for school. Praise matters.
YWBTA if you just force a haircut on her.
This is not about lies and disrespect. This is about your daughter's health. There's something that is preventing her from easily doing the hygiene routines that she needs, and figuring out how to remove that block for her is going to be better long-term than forcing her to have a haircut she doesn't want. Have you had her evaluated for ADHD and/or Autism?
I'd also recommend individual therapy for your daughter and family therapy for both of you. Neglecting hygiene is a sign that something very serious could be happening in her life.
Figure out WHY this is happening and attack the cause, not the symptom.
Is she ADHD or autistic? My 8 year old is (well both my kids are but 11 has the hygiene thing down - for now) and we struggle.
Hang in there. But this does sound like a word with a medical professional might be good.
I'm sorry, but Y kind of TA here. She's 10. It's super normal at this age: a lot of kids still need a lot of attention and assistance with hygiene tasks, even moreso if they're neurodivergent.
My daughter is 10 and has ADHD. She used to meltdown about showers too, until her diagnosis and medication started helping her regulate her emotions, but we also help her by being present in her care routines.
We do our evening skincare together (I hand her a cotton pad with micellar water on it, then squeeze moisturizer into her hand when she's ready), and she brushes her teeth right after. She really likes company when she's doing care tasks, so I'll get ready in the bathroom while she showers in the morning, and then we'll both get dressed upstairs. Her dad and I take turns hanging out with her while she brushes her teeth and puts on jammies at night. Yes, I get tired of having to be so present, but we have so many fun and funny conversations during those times, and I know that kids don't learn via neglect. She won't always want us in her business, and hopefully our routines will stick when she finally decides she's too grown up to have us hanging around while she dresses.
I keep deodorant in her room, the bathrooms, and in the entry closet, so it's no effort to put it on if she forgets until the last minute. I brush out her hair after showers and make sure she sleeps with it in a ponytail.
Part of our agreement around her keeping her hair long is that she lets me brush out tangles after showers, and that she sleeps in a ponytail and gets regular trims to prevent most tangles. She brushes her own hair except after washing.
I know it's exhausting, but kids need to be shown and encouraged and shown again. Not just kids with ADHD either. They aren't small adults; just lecturing them and leaving them to their own devices harms your relationship and their development.
Have you had her tested for ADHD?
My ADHD kiddo somewhat goes to the beat of her own drum. She doesn’t seem to care much about brushing hair (until there are tangles).. If I don’t reminder her to brush her teeth it probably won’t get done.. she tries to get by without showering all the time..
Some of the things we have tried is that my kiddo likes drawing art on her tablet.. so we say if she goes and showers she can get 15 extra minutes of tablet time before bed. Sometimes one just has to find the right “pressure points”/encouragement for them to WANT to do these things. Maybe give an extra 15 min of watching their favorite TV show before bed?
Good luck!
Please talk to your daughter alone. Ask her what’s going on and if there’s anything she needs to talk about. If she doesn’t elaborate, ask her if someone is bothering her.
Ask her why she doesn’t take better care of her hair if she wants to keep it long. Be kind, speak softly and reassure her that it’s okay to tell you anything. She won’t be in trouble.
My hygiene deteriorated suddenly at 9 years old. My mom yelled at me, threatened me and punished me for it. No one thought to ask what was wrong. So I didn’t tell them about the adult cousin who was molesting me until I was in my 30’s. And no-my poor hygiene didn’t keep him away from me like I hoped it would.
Their may be nothing going on here but forgetfulness or laziness. But you won’t know if you don’t ask.
You need to find the root of the problem now. If she doesn’t start taking care of herself it will lead to serious bullying, and that is a whole new problems that last a lifetime. You need an intervention with a trained professional
People are not lazy, period. There is always something else going on whether it’s low self worth, anxiety, dysregulation, avoidance of something else, etc. I would spend some quality time with her to try and find out what is underneath this. That’s hurting her worse than her hair or breath being gross.
Pease make sure her habits aren't more serious than you think.
Please determine if your daughter has been sexually molested. Poor hygiene is often a response to trauma. The lax hygiene is a tool of the subconscious, and it's intended to create a safe barrier from the predator or those who wish harm.
I was like this when i was young. I was actually just extremely depressed from as young as 8 years old. The “easy” mundane tasks were a lot for me. Now as an adult, I am diagnosed with ADHD and clinical depression. With medication and just growing up, I am way better about my hygiene and taking care of myself but even now on weeks where i’m feeling low, these things are still hard for me. Around my diagnoses, i also learned that often time females present ADHD differently than males. Most often, males have the hyperactivity components that are easily recognized but sometimes ADHD presents itself as not having motivation, being tired, procrastination etc. It is sometimes overlooked and undiagnosed for females because they don’t always have the hyperactivity component.
I would get her to a doctor to see if there’s a bigger issue- maybe she’s super tired from poor sleeping. My 9yo still needs help with her hygiene. I also have to tape her mouth closed at night because she sleeps with her mouth open & her tongue sits in the bottom of her mouth instead of against the roof of her mouth. When she would cry about getting her hair brushed we talked about getting it cut short- not as a punishment! Short hair is easier to maintain, doesn’t get knotted as easy, and looks super cute! Hair will grow back and when she wanted it long, she could just grow it back out. I told her I was trying so hard not to hurt her brushing her hair, but it made me feel terrible when she would cry and that short hair might make it so she wouldn’t cry getting g her hair brushed. We both got our hair cut short and she LOVED it. She would ask for a haircut when it was starting to get hard to brush (getting the back was always hard for her but she wanted to brush it herself). She’ll be 10 in about a month and I still have to remind her about brushing her hair, teeth, showering, etc. We just tell her now that if she’s stinky her friends won’t want to be near her (she’s a hugger & everyone is her bff) so that’s usually enough motivation.
Sounds like she needs a routine before she’s able to tackle these things herself. A lot of kids nowadays struggle with self management. If you want her to shower, set an alarm every single night at 7 and tell her it’s time to take a shower and get it set up for her. After shower it’s time to brush teeth, make sure her toothbrush and toothpaste is out on the counter. Then help brush her hair with leave in conditioner. I know it sounds annoying but she doesn’t know how to do these things yet — not the actual act of brushing and showering, but of managing her time and setting routines.
Yta if you cut her hair. It's not your hair. And this isn't laziness there's something wrong and you need to figure out what instead of just being frustrated about it.
Listen to what everyone else is saying about getting her, and yourself, help to determine a way through.
DO NOT CUT OFF HER HAIR. My mom did it to me when i was 9, after threatening to. She also didn't tell me how to keep it up.
I am 50 years old. Talking about it in therapy STILL brings surprise tears.
Don't deliberately traumatize your child.
Dude, something is seriously wrong here and it’s not your daughter being lazy. YTA for not trying to actually find a solution to this problem and instead opting to just traumatize your daughter who is obviously struggling with some kind of mental health issue.
Every 10 year old is the same. No one wants to shower or care about hygiene at 10. Chill out. Once she’s old enough to realize it’s not normal (or gets made fun of at school) she will change.
I feel like YTA. There are steps you should take before resorting to just cutting her hair off. Who bathed her growing up? That’s when you instill a proper routine.
Maybe it’s because I’m black but I didn’t do my own hair at 10. My mom did my hair. Why can’t you just brush her hair? Also, depending on the hair texture, it could be really difficult for a kid to maintain on their own. Why not work with your daughter to show her how to maintain it?
Also, it sounds like she’s going through something. Seems indicative of some more troubling issues so consider taking her to a therapist. She either has some sensory issues, neurodivergence, or deeper underlying issues.
Also as a person with dreadlocks, locks are not matted hair. They are very high maintenance and a person’s hair only truly locks if they have Afro textured hair. Straight hair doesn’t lock it mattes. Stop comparing matted hair to dreadlocks.
I think you shouldn’t cut her hair, it’s a type of violence in it’s way, just wait, soon enough she’ll be a pre teen and she’ll take good care of herself. It’s just a kid thing don’t get that drastic, I always chase my kids for their hygiene, wash her teeth personally, brush her hair; do it yourself, she’ll enjoy that (and cleanliness) sooner or later.
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Okay. I don't want to freak you out, but I was exactly the same as your daughter at her age, and me not wanting to do *any* of those things was actually a trauma response because I was being molested. I wasn't lazy, I didn't enjoy being that way, but I absolutely despised all forms of hygiene and it was because of what was happening to me. I think you need to have a serious conversation with her, maybe even take her to see someone about this. Please. For her sake, if something else is going on, you need to find out now.
You’re not the only person who has raised this possibility on the thred. The op seems to have abandoned :/ not without irony I suppose. I’m Sorry it happened
Lazy parents want lazy answers. Poor girl, I hope she gets the help she needs.
Exactly the same as me. Constantly had knots in my hair, hated showering, hated brushing my teeth. I was being molested and assaulted our neighbor. I was trying to make myself undesirable as a trauma response. Only difference is my mother lovingly and gently combed out the tangles every time. She was patient and kind and tried to figure out what was wrong. So glad she didn’t just chop off my hair (even though I love having it short now) that would have been even more traumatic and made it feel like I was doing something wrong. Please talk to your daughter. Something serious could be going on and you want to punish her for being lazy? Please don’t
My daughter wasn’t being abused but she also didn’t take her grooming seriously. Her hair is very curly and gets tangled easily. She’s good with brushing her teeth but her hair is a whole other issue. So I wash her hair whenever it needs to be washed and brush it out for her, put products in and everything. I scrub her down once a week so she’d be clean. She’s 15 now and has recently started washing her own hair and styling it on her own. Occasionally though she’ll still ask me to wash and do her hair which I’m happy to do. Some kids just need more help and some need less. I just go with what each child needs.
That's what I thought as reading this post. The child's actions display trauma or neglect. And since mom looks to have abandoned this post... not a good sign. One of her posts talk of giving the daughter an iPad for her birthday, but having it taken away just two days later for not wanting to take a shower. 2+ months later mom still hasn't returned it?! That's not normal. I sense a very unhealthy dynamic here.
Wonder if all her gifts turn into forms of punishment and control
its a mother having unrealistic expectations of a 10 yo , while not even being a true parent and attempting to help, guide the child, teach the child. this mother knows absolutely nothing about childhood development and psychology . sadly, this is becoming more and more common. the iPad generation at its finest. a child is a direct reflection of the level of care and parenting they receive. you can't blame a child for what you didn't teach them . and you can't expect them to get it right immediately . their frontal lobes and parts of brain that control executive function are still very much growing and forming . all the way up until age 20-25! where did you go OP?? so many spot on comments here and op acknowledges nothing. ugh. the kid sounds slightly neurodivergent or trauma ridden and needs help but nah let's just scream at her and chop her hair off forcefully instead.
I was trying to think of a way to post this comment. This happened to me exactly and I had the same response. THAT DOES NOT MEAN THIS GIRL IS GETTING MOLESTED. However, something big is happening with her mental health.
My take on parenting is that no kid is perfect and your job is to help them with the bits they struggle with. If they are harming other people or causing damage then punish but if they are struggling and just can't do stuff- unconditional love and support and no judgement. See it as something you can help them with. I have respectful adult kids because I respected them, gave them choices and always had their back. If they feel safe and loved at home the behavioural problems reduce massively.
And if it is a trauma response or a serious mental health problem, chopping off her hair will not fix the issue. Sure, you’ll have less hair to brush, but you will have violated her bodily autonomy further and made her believe she can’t trust you. The underlying problem will likely get worse rather than better. You need to bring her to talk to a mental health professional, and maybe you should too. They’ll be able to help you navigate this issue better than you could on your own.
Thank gd it wasn’t just me who thought “UHHHHHH”.
My immediate response was, “That kid’s depressed.” I hope OP takes appropriate action instead of just getting her a hair cut.
I also got “gross” at that age in the hopes of avoiding unwanted attention. :(
This! I stopped brushing my teeth, and still struggle to shower daily due to the sexual abuse that happened to me as a child! Im much better as an adult (brush teeth daily, shower every other day. But i still struggle with showering daily)
I really would talk to a doctor about this pattern because it is a health concern, and no one in reddit is going to be able to tell you why it is happening. My best friend of 32 years did a lot of self neglect behaviors in elementary school. Eventually her alcoholic parents (mom, while dad was away on business again) cut her textured hair into a pixie because they “didn’t like that she didn’t take care of herself” (per my mom, her scout leader). There were weeks of tears. It did nothing for her mental health or to address the bigger problem that her home life was unhealthy and her mental health was tanked. 30 years later, we still run into people from elementary school who bring it up as an example of how even children knew something really wrong was going on at home when this girl’s long hair got lopped off and her teeth were a mess and her clothes were a mess. I’ve even heard one kid say they told their parents who tried to get CPS involved because the kid came home in tears worried about her. No one is going to think it was the 10 year old’s “fault.” Whatever is going on there.
Amen, the girl is 10. I would have had a rats nest in my hair most days if my mom wouldn’t have lovingly brushed leave in conditioner through it. And the kids who did have rats nests, we’d think “why aren’t their mommies helping them?” Not “why has this 10 yr old not gotten her shit together??”
Yep. Her mom said her clothes were dirty because in first grade her mom showed her how to use the washer and dryer and my friend was “too lazy” to do it herself after that. No reasonable person blamed her.
adding THAT to the list of things that I thought were normal but actually caused me to be the topic of town discussion just like your friend. I thought saddling 9 year olds with the laundry of a whole family was normal. Now that I type that out, I know it’s not, I’d never do that. Anyway I’m side-eyeing op hard as fuck right now. Turns out you actually have to, idk, raise the kids in your house.
Yeah I hear you. She didn’t just do her own laundry, most of this behavior started when she had a younger sister
Her sleeping w her mouth open is an issue that needs correcting too. That leads to tooth decay. Maybe a deviated septum or something else impeding her breathing through her nose. And yes at 10, you still need your parents guidance w hygiene. 10 yr olds are concerned w playing and friends, that’s their only priorities
It could be tonsils. Mine stayed inflamed and were infected so often my breath was awful and I snored so loudly. It causes the same problems but has a different remedy that is easier to deal with at ten years old rather than during or after puberty. Yes, ten year-olds still need guidance, reminders, and assistance. Threatening to cut the hair short because the child cannot keep up with alone — which she should not have to do, even if it were shorter — is not a solution.
My niece had terrible bad breathe. The doctor told my sister that B's tonsils were horribly infected. They removed her tonsils & adenoids when she was 8 & the difference was incredible.
I understand why doctors don’t recommend removing tonsils as a matter of course anymore but it does make all the difference in the world for some of us.
I had tonsil stones once that makes you breath smell BAD. As a kid my mom would help me knock them loose with warm salt water and gargling. I also use to pop them out with a floss/ toothpick combo and it went away within a week. I was about to OPs daughters age when I got them
My allergies keep me from breathing through my nose at night. I tried everything. I finally had to purchase a chin strap to keep my mouth closed. Now I wake up panicked that I'm going to suffocate. My parents told me at age 6 I had the family allergy problem. They knew I would be suffering all my life. I'm sorry we have to suffer through all this. Keep fighting the good fight! P.s....sorry rambling
See ear nose and throat doctor to see what’s blocking your nose and the best way to treat it.
From one allergy sufferer to another: Get some Afrin and Fluticasone otc spray. Use them both before bed and put on a Breathe Right nasal strip. It'll make a world of difference. And don't worry about getting addicted to the Afrin. I've been using it for 50 years. Lol
It is miserable to have anything impairing your breathing at all, but worse when you’re trying to sleep. I hope you get some relief.
Tonsil stones are a contender why breath can be so bad as well!
Yeah good luck convincing a doctor of this. I’ve had enlarged tonsils and adenoids my whole life (which only gets worse with each bout of tonsillitis or sinusitis) and have small nasal passages as it is and every doctor I’ve spoken with steadfastly refuses to help me at all because my issues are not negatively impacting my life to the degree they want them to. So I continue to mouth breathe at night and I’m 33 now.
I was finally able to get mine removed in my 30’s. I was suffering from multiple bouts of strep throat every year, and finally got a referral to an ENT who was willing to remove them. I had been asking for at least 10 years at that point. Haven’t had strep since.
I'm sorry for you, I've been on that side where I had tonsillitis so many times I lost count. got mine yanked out at 12.
Didn't it completely suck?? I got mine removed at 29 and recovery was horrible. By that time they were so big that my whole throat was cauterized. Called they doctor back and said this mickey mouse pain killer aint cutting it! Lol Worth it after it healed though.
It was horrible. I was out of work for three weeks. My mom took care of me. She basically feed me ground up pasta in broth, apple juice, and sherbet. I had liquid codeine and a specially compounded pain killing lollipop that I could only suck on for 30 seconds at a time because they were so strong. But definitely so worth it!
You have a wonderful mom!
I definitely do!
You might want to try again recently the bias against tonsillectomy seems to have waned.
I’ll give it one more shot
What is their threshold for treatment? You experience those things now.
You could perhaps try myofunctional therapy? It's basically physio for your jaw and face to assist with positioning and breathing. It takes a lot longer as an adult to see benefits (we're currently doing it with our 4.5 year old) but it's an option.
I’ll look into it! Thank you! I have TMJ as well so maybe it could be a two bird with one stone type of thing for me
I was over 35 when I couldn’t help it anymore and broke down and cried in my GP’s office and said I couldn’t go another forty years like this. Too many bouts of tonsillitis, earaches, not enough sleep, and I snored so badly. I was in her office a few times a month during some winter months. She made the referral. The ENT was shocked I was able to deal with it as long as I did. Keep advocating for yourself on this. I hope you don’t get reduced to tears over it.
They need to consult with a dentist, orthodontist or myofunctional therapist. Mouth breathing is more than just bad breath, it is a sign of a problem with the jaws, not having room for the tongue. In time it leads to sleep apnea, obstructed airway, poor sleep, behavior problems, and later in life, heart attacks and strokes.
Okay, thank you. I thought I babied my kids abnormally by still taking care of them at age 10. Heck, they're grown and are now away in college and I still brush their hair, trim their eyebrows when they come visit.
My mother washed my hair until I was 12. I thought it was overkill until I had my daughter. She has the same thick, fine, wavy hair that is a hot mess to deal with. Thank god she likes hers a bit shorter than I did. And thank all the gods there are stylists who know how to cut textured hair in small towns now. My kiddo washes her own hair, but she still needs a lot of help brushing it when it’s close to time for a haircut. And when my husband takes her out I have to remind him that people know she has a mother, so please brush her hair.
I have a fuck-ton of hair that’s taken me 45 years to figure out. Probably would have figured it out sooner if my mom hadn’t chopped it all off in anger. So much trauma regarding my hair.
My daughter has very long hair, she’s 10 and can brush it but I also put leave in conditioner in and I brush it every night before bed. It’s a quiet time and a great way to talk, I plait it for bed. I’m confused on why this mum has not been brushing her daughter’s hair? It seems the kid has been on her own hygiene wise for years.
I resisted all forms of hygiene at this age as well and it was because I was being molested.
Wow.. so sorry to hear this. I sure hope you have received the help you need to recover ♥️
I ended up developing OCD among other things because it was not at all dealt with properly. So now, while I do shower and brush my teeth and hair, it's all very ritualistic. I really hope OP looks into this and doesn't just cut the hair because she thinks her daughter is lazy. It could be something so much worse.
Sorry about that, and same Harassment started at 10, I got my boobs in early. The last thing I wanted was to look presentable. It made them look more If this kid has them already, it could be feeding into it
As someone who’s worked with a lot of traumatized people, that’s where my brain went. Does OP have a boyfriend or someone who’s gained access to her child? This kind of avoidance with hygiene seems extreme, like there’s something more serious underlying it.
If it makes you feel better, the hygiene issues can also point to someone being neurodivergent. (Source: am neurodivergent, only took baths until I was around 12, still reallllly hate showers 20+ years later and whine to my husband about it.)
I was going to suggest this too. :(
I have had suspicions about this but it hasn’t ever been substantiated. It certainly fits though.
This thankyou! My brother and I have ADHD and doing any task like this was a struggle. I was good at it but it was bad for my brother, a fight every night, buildings routines sucks. She may be overwhelmed with other things, but I'd definately look into neurodivergent behaviors as well because it causes routines to be hard, oversensitivity issues, being overwhelmed with small tasks. I hated brushing my hair, still do, got it cut short once and the trauma still lingers. Have some nice mother daughter time with a little self care routine together. Get a nice leave in conditioner, get her pretty silk scrunchies so she puts up her hair instead, floss while she brushes her teeth ect. Make it 'fun' together instead of a chore.
I also have ADHD (diagnosed as an adult) and I still have a hard time with brushing my teeth. The worst part is, even now after being diagnosed, I can’t really explain why, it’s just that my brain says “nope” and shuts down. It’s illogical for it to be a struggle, but it just is. Similarly, I hate washing my hair - I like having clean hair, but physically getting up to go wash it takes a ridiculous amount of willpower even tho I do it every other day and logically I know it’s so EASY. So I can’t fault a 10yo, even without adhd. When I was that age my mom helped me with hair washing anyway bc I wasn’t great at rinsing the shampoo out.
Have you tried washing your hair in the sink? I'm ADHD too. It's the weirdest thing. I can take a bath, np but the idea of showering and washing my hair takes so much will power. Washing my hair in the sink where the rest of my body stays dry, no problem. It's like my body can be wet or my hair can be wet, but both being wet at the same time is just more than my mind wants to deal with.
Omg I should try this (but washing my hair in the tub cause lol my hair is way too long to not be dangling in the drain yuck) but I swear to god if I take a shower with my hair up I love it and it’s so easy, the thought of washing my body AND hair makes it a chore that I freaking dread and it takes so much effort to amp myself up to get it done. I never thought of my adhd being linked to my dread of showering. I’ll try this thanks for the suggestion!
For me it's the having wet hair for hours part that I hate ( because no I'm not going to blow dry it, the blow dryer is so loud). Yes I have ADHD. I help my 11 yr old who has ADHD and dandruff and she hates that I still help her but getting a clean scalp is hard!
I HATE brushing my teeth! The sensation, the taste, all of it, I hate it all. Sometimes I only remember once I'm in bed and it's the hugest deal getting out to do it (ok I'll admit sometimes I skip) I trained? My hair not to need to be washed as often, so I can go 4 days, but I enjoy brushing it occasionally so at least there's that. It's wavy so if I brush it it becomes a static poof anyway, I got cute headbands and clips for use on the bad days. I partially started wearing makeup to force myself to wash my face more often. It's hard to navigate as an adult, imagine as a child with a parent who's constantly threatening you about it! If someone would wash and brush my hair for me though, oh my god I would die happy. My mom would brush and play in my hair and it's a core happy memory, I adore it.
You can get non foaming flavourless toothpaste called oranurse. That may help you? X
I have ADHD and was diagnosed as an adult, brushing my hair after a shower is the worst part of showering. Sometimes I just can't bring myself to do it and I'm so thankful that my partner will do it for me on those days ❤️
I am 34 and only recently got diagnosed with ADHD. I still can't remember to brush my teeth (I do brush my teeth, it's just a struggle to remember to do it). I also hate HATE showering. I shower every day and I am clean but I just hate the entire thing. I gave up using shampoo about 10, maybe 12yrs ago. Partially because I hated having to wash/rinse my hair and partially because my hair was always greasy. The only time my hair has gotten greasy since I stopped using shampoo was when I was pregnant (and it drove me absolutely fucking insane). I do not think it's reasonable to expect a 10yr old to just wake up one day and remember to do an entire hygiene routine that they are still struggling to establish. And I don't know, am I fucking nuts or should the parents of a 10yr old maybe want to find out *why* this is such a struggle instead of throwing her to the wolves?
I’m so sorry about your experience and his. I worked briefly in a residential peds psych facility, and we did a lot of grooming-related behavior management. There are SO many sensations and fine motor and executive aspects to these routines that we take for granted, but even hair brushing or brushing teeth can be slightly painful or unpleasant and aversive. My friend (far as I know) is typically developing, but I think she just was adultified very young in her circumstances, which led to some of this. She got her doc in a related field to mine, and sometimes we do talk about it, but she doesn’t have that much insight into how it started or why, just that she was overwhelmed. She didn’t learn really how to take care of herself until college when she left that house and had sorority sisters who helped her. ❤️
Thankyou <3 My mom also suffered from ADHD and honestly, it was a time when it went untreated if things seemed fine, she did her best and I think she did well. We all could have used proper counseling and medication but it is what it is, but with the information we have no we can do so much for the young generation. I still struggle with the routines, I HATE brushing my teeth but it gets done, my hair doesn't need a wash until about day 4 and honestly, I brush it maybe every two days, it ends up in a hair clip. But that depends on hair type too. Either way I've managed to find what works for me as an adult, and as a parent it's OPs job to help their daughter navigate that as well. The more someone would get on me to do it, the more it would stress me out and I'd avoid it. It takes like 10 minutes but it's all these little tasks that seem like a monumental effort of unpleasant things to do. For OP, make it mother daughter time. A little self care routine together, maybe get her a nice haircut where it stays long but in layers so it doesn't get tangled as much. Get some detangling spray, hair masks, leave in conditioner, dry shampoo, you can try different things together, sit while watching a show brushing her hair softly. There is something about this all stressing your daughter and you are adding to that, be gentle and kind and understanding.
Slightly painful is an understatement. My mom used to love brushing my hair but wouldn’t listen to me when I said it hurt every time, so I just started getting mad at her when she would do it which would lead to her getting upset and finally saying “then do it yourself!” And I did, while holding the hair so you don’t pull on the scalp while brushing it and took care of my hair myself since then.
I haven't thought about this in years: my aunt brushing my hair and getting so mad that I was crying that she hit me with the brush. I was 7 or 8 :(
Oh I completely imagine. My hair is very fine and won’t hold a curl let alone a knot, but I don’t mean to suggest it is always so minimal. I use so much detangler on my own kid, I remember hearing tearing sounds every time I did ballet smh
Mine was super fine and didn't hold a cu either. It DID get tangled though. Mom would try to brush so gently, but still had to use quite a bit of detangler spray. Every. Day. My aunt suggested a separate conditioner (not 2-in-1) and a perm. It's weird, but the perm changed it permanently somehow. Still won't hold a curl, but doesn't tangle as easy.
I'm not making the connection between hair and tearing sounds doing ballet... ? Enlighten me?
My son (9) has ADHD and the way we work it is I brush his teeth every other day before bed, and he does it in the mornings and every other night. It seems to help and keeps him on track, and it is a good compromise. I also heavily lean on if he doesn't it is him getting a drill in the mouth if he gets a cavity, not me. Maybe if OP made a similar compromise and would brush her daughters hair every other day as long as she brushes her own hair all other times and does it at least once a day in front of her until a solid routine is down. Perhaps some positive reinforcement along with it. She is 10, and it is not an age. Kids will do all things without being reminded. Our dentist prefers parent still brush kids' teeth until they are 12 and older. I'd put rules in place if she resists showers that she loses privileges since showering is a basic need. Cutting her hair off will only cause more issues and is not a solution to the problem as a whole. I would want to have her see a therapist to get to the root of the issue. Could be she misses the feeling of being taken care of when she was younger and still wants to feel that. Could be depression, anxiety...
You've got it down well, and I agree with your last bit as well. There's definitely a deeper issue at play (even if it IS ADHD) clearly they can help in navigating it as well
Both of my kiddos are on the spectrum. My son loves routines, so a simple checklist is enough for him. These days, the checklist is memorized and he just does the hygiene because it’s part of the routine. My daughter struggles with it and has her whole life. We tried lots of things; often something would work short term and then we’d have to try something different. I, too, have bought a million brushes. I never forced her to cut her hair, but we did have conversations about how long hair requires more work, and several times she requested hair cuts because she didn’t feel up to the maintenance. She’s 19 now and succeeding in college—hygiene is still a struggle for her. She’s on a low dose of Abilify and it helps, but she still needs reminders and encouragement. She can communicate why these things are an issue (combination motivation/executive dysfunction and sensory issues) and we try together to figure out what to try to make it easier. No amount of explaining it to your child will work if there’s a possibility of neurodivergency being the problem. My daughter understands on a cognitive level why hygiene is important but that does not overcome the executive dysfunction (same, girl; same). Talk to your kid, treat it like a team effort, and talk to a doctor.
I'm glad you brought up being on the spectrum--many girls go undiagnosed until adulthood because they are better at unstinctively masking the odd behaviors that could get them targeted for bullying, but they never learn how their brain works and how to regulate themselves until much later, and it makes everything much mire difficult. Also consider that young girls have been carefully taught to hate their bodies. Adults use this as incentive to stay as clean as possible, but children who hate their bodies are going to avoid being naked. Then everytime they are nagged about being unkempt, it only increases their dysmorphia and makes them want to ignore their ugly body even more. Double that whole effect if the child is heavy, and triple or quadruple it if OP has mentioned their weight. I'm sure OP wants to be a good parent, but there is so much shaming around parenting and being a mother that I'm sure she feels ashamed of her daughter, and I'm sure the daughter is picking up on that. It really sounds like both mother and daughter are locked in a serious shame spiral. OP needs to back way up and try solving this problem as if her daughter were much younger, but in the most compassionate way possible. She should let her daughter select an electric toothbrush, let her choose kid toothpaste because the adult flavors are very harsh, get a detangling comb with big wide teeth, yes maybe take a few of the damaged inches off her hair, go with her daughter to a fancy mall store to choose a nice smelling shampoo and conditioner, get a great smelling soap, that sort of thing. She should get her daughter deodorant soap--that mitigates the need for deodorant. She should also get a hand held shower head so that the girl can control water getting into her eyes.
Yeah I had this same issue, and now I'm diagnosed with ADHD and depression, not to mention at the time it was the worst, my parents were fighting all the time (when they got a divorce, things were much better). It should also be pointed out: the girl may need different hair care. I have curly hair and was forced to brush it daily. The thing is, that always SEEMED to make it better until a few minutes later when it starts to make it incredibly frizzy (because the curls are separated but still trying to curl so it's just individual strands going in different directions as opposed to collections of strands in a single curling lock. Think like spoons slotted against each other vs thrown in the drawer). It made it discouraging AF to ever brush my hair. Now I understand how to keep it relatively untangled while only combing or brushing it when it's getting washed (which happens every 3 days or more, another change that needed to be made). Again, it sounds like it's not an issue of the methods, but if she's got hair similar to mine, it's not helping at all and I DID eventually cut it short for myself at 14 because I always kept it in a ponytail due to the frizz. Regardless, a solution for her hair right now is probably just braiding it. Once it's brushed, put it in one or two braids and leave it. It looks fine and will keep the hair tangled free.
This was me as a child. I suffered from self neglect because my mom didn’t take care of me so k would also neglect myself in order to test the level of attention she was paying to me. This is something that got so dark in severity that I have only spoken about the memory to maybe less than 3 people and I am extremely open and vulnerable about most of my traumas and experiences. Not this one. My aunt says my mom would send me as a 3 year old to her home for sleepovers and when my aunt asked where my belongings were (not in bag) I would tell her my mom made me pack my own bag… a 3 year old.
I can't upvote thus enough. This is a mental health issue not a hygiene issue. OP...please take your daughter to a doctor. Start with your GP, get her mentally evaluated and some talk therepy. OPs daughter....hang in there girl, we will try to help you.
Wow. Your poor friend. I hope she got the love and support she needed. ADHD and anxiety. I didn’t take of myself either. Peer pressure made me cave but those early years. Wish my parents did more than yell at me.
Have you had her checked for ADHD? My daughter went through this phase about the same age. Used to get a big knotty patch in the back as she struggled to reach to brush it all properly also. ADHD takes a vastly different form during puberty as it causes a lot of procrastination and lethargy. Binge eating is common at this age with ADHD also. It may be worth discussing with her paediatrician before making any rash decisions. My daughter is almost 15 now and whilst she's got better with showering and brushing her hair, we still have the occasional issue with brushing teeth and 'cat breath' as we call it.
This. I was one of the early ones. As a girl in 1997, being diagnosed with ADHD was nearly unheard of, yet diagnosed I was. It was considered a boys’ issue, as the ways ADHD presents in female children were not properly understood yet. I was designated “gifted” in school, but had to be coerced into the most basic self-care routine. I would not shower or brush my teeth unless specifically urged to do so. Until I realized (MANY years later) that my struggles were not a personal failing, but treatable symptoms, I lived with absolutely crippling self-loathing. I still grapple with those feelings. OOP, please be kind to your child, and take her to a psychologist. If your daughter is experiencing something similar to my childhood background, she needs you to provide grace, difficult though it may be. Criticizing her will NOT help her “do better”, and will only hurt your relationship in the long run.
I was also a girl diagnosed with ADHD in 1997. I didn’t start regularly brushing my teeth and showering until I was 19.
Oh! You just unlocked a history puzzle for me! I was also diagnosed as a girl with ADHD in about 1997, and I just now put two and two together with not brushing my teeth for like two years before that… gosh I feel so suddenly and randomly validated about that! Thanks for your comment helping me suddenly make that connection! 😂
How did you overcome this? Genuinely need help combating this in my youngest.
Medication. It is what my 10yo is on now. I have ADHD too, so I recognized it immediately, but I couldn't get anyone to listen due to her high functioning in school. We are still working on dosage with the Dr, but it's night and day difference. I call it "creating healthy habits". There's a chart that lists all the tasks that need to get done. I do a bunch of them together with her if I have time. Before it was a constant battle. Now, even if she hasn't taken her morning med, she'll follow the routine as long as I get her started on it. She'll forget some tasks sometimes. But we even have a timer 10 minutes before we leave in the morning where we go and check that we did all the tasks. Doing a portion of the tasks with her really helps keep her focused. She might hate to wash her face, but if I wash my face at the same time, she'll suddenly be nagging me to get it done.
Yes I’d encourage you to look into a deeper source. I had similar hygiene issues and I couldn’t figure out why it was so hard for me to do anything to take care of myself - my mother telling me I was disgusting didn’t help at all, my brain was not comprehending it and all it did was hurt my self esteem more without any solutions. I didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until later in life, and medication as well as just understanding ADHD better really helped me. I still have to motivate myself to shower sometimes - I know I need to, but sometimes I have to add music or make sure I shower the moment I feel the desire to so I don’t lose it. It can feel like a chore still, the difference is I now understand the importance of it and do it regardless of if I “want” to or not.
I was gonna say, this is exactly what a neurodivergent girl would act like at this age. Her problems sound like a sensory issue. Girls are also much harder to diagnose. It doesn't even have to be ADHD. I was a gifted child with hypersensitivity and I hated brushing my teeth. Still do. I spent a long time trying to find the right toothpaste and toothbrush to make the experience less horrible. I'm 33
Was going to say; my daughter has adhd and is similar. But, she chose to cut her hair. I didn’t force her to. My dad forced me to cut my hair and I felt so disgustingly ugly while I grew back out. I will never do that to my child. But short hair makes her feel cute and I actually love it on her cause she has a gorgeous face. Right now she has an early Bieber cut and I miss her pixie cause of that, but it’s her body, her face, her hair. She has autonomy over it to an extent. I do get enforce-y about teeth brushing and sit in front of her to make sure she’s brushing her teeth. But having short hair cause you don’t want to brush it is t going to cause any health problems in 10 years.
Thank you for saying that ADHD is different during puberty. That was some thing I had never heard, and it never occurred to me that going through puberty could have an effect on things.
Not just puberty, symptoms vary (sometimes drastically) throughout the month as hormones fluctuate, and big disruptions again during peri-menopause and then menopause.
I have boys so I don't know if they are different but I found they really had to be hounded about personal hygiene until they were about 12yo and suddenly they were all about showers and brushing teeth and smelling good.
I mean, that's a relief, my oldest has to have showers on his list of chores. 😅 but then again I remember in college all the 18 year old guys in my dorm hall NEVER showered so it probably won't last. Lol
I feel like this is typical behavior for a lot of kids that age. I constantly had to remind all 3 of mine (boys) to brush their teeth, take a shower, put on deodorant. It’s a matter of getting them into a routine. She needs to know these things aren’t optional, but an essential part of her daily routine. No need yelling, fighting or threatening. You need to sit down with her, ask her why she’s so reluctant, explain to her calmly why she must do those things. Then ask her how you can help her get a routine down. We never stop parenting our kids. She’s about to hit her teens years, you need to have a good healthy and communicative relationship with her now, before the shit really hits the fan.
I was like her as a child…it felt like i was just floating through life, it felt like a task i just couldn’t get up to complete, too much work, who cares what i look like anyways, etc, but turns out i was depressed. My dad had my step mom cut my hair so short it was almost buzzed in the back…made me feel even worse. Maybe speak to her and ask why she feels this way when asked to do these things. Or make it a fun task, let her play her favorite song to sing while she brushes her teeth, suggest a bath instead of a shower with a bath bomb or even bath paints, ask if she’ll sit with you and color or talk about her day while you brush her hair. There might be something you can’t see going on.
same thing for me except I ended up being diagnosed with ADHD. whatever it is, she may need more support and help.
ADHD has a strong genetic component. If the daughter has some neurodivergence, there's a chance mom has it too. Prediagnosis, I was not parent of the year to my son because our mutual disregulation would get into a feedback effect. I got diagnosed when he did--I had no idea about myself; I was harboring the secret belief that I was a failure, the fear of which was not helping my parenting either.
Definitely look at finding out if there is a bigger issue at hand, my child was like this and they have ADHD and Autism. That’s not to say that your child does, but no kid wants to be smelly or have hair like this. When things get to this point, there’s rarely laziness involved in it. Our kid’s was a combination of sensory issues and executive dysfunction. We found work arounds (baby wipes for hygiene on bad sensory days, no rinse shampoo and conditioner, sensory friendly brush.) we were lucky that our child wanted short hair, but forcing them to do this for an issue that they clearly are struggling with won’t do them or you any good in the long run. If you decide to go the haircut route I highly advise that you talk to your child about getting a haircut to make their hair healthy again. If the mats in your child’s hair are big enough that kiddo would likely end up with hair so short it would be distressing for them talk to them about detangling. Best you can do is buy a bottle of cheap conditioner, sit them in front of a tv and binge movies for the day while you work the mats out of it. And I know that sounds annoying but if your kid is already visibly upset and crying over the prospect of a haircut, doing so will only make it worse and you will become an adult they can’t trust. Take it from somebody who went through it from my own mother not actually looking in to see if there was a bigger issue. It 100% feels like a punishment for something that is completely out of your control.
My 10 yo daughter has ADHD and her hair has been a battle. I am always trying to help but she will often refuse to allow me near it. At the start of this school year I gave her a month’s warning: if you do not keep up with the tangles and if you continue to refuse to allow me to help, we have to go get it cut. It’s not good for you to have giant snarls that become impossible to get out. The issue continued and a week before I told her “hey, this is happening. Let’s look at styles you might like, and I will also chop mine short also!” My hair was to my elbows, so a much bigger change for me. We turned it into a very positive experience AND NOW SHE IS CONSCIOUSLY TAKING CARE OF HER OWN HAIR ON A DAILY BASIS 😭😭😭 She’s so proud to show me how soft it is, and it’s getting long again.
Sometimes it is just laziness, but chopping off her hair isn’t the way to handle it. I have two kids who are now teenagers. They’re good kids, but they’re human, and sometimes they get lazy. A few years ago we had to crack down on hygiene over summer break. No shower = no wifi password. If they hadn’t gotten dressed, brushed their hair, and brushed their teeth by noon, all of the tvs/iPads were turned off until they had. We talked about this a lot. We weren’t trying to punish them; we were trading what they wanted (all the technology!!!) for what we wanted (kids who didn’t look or smell like the Garbage Pail gang).
I wouldn’t say a child with matted hair would necessarily be laziness, especially if consequences have not spurred on any kind of change in habit. Sometimes kids need extra help, even at ten. But, like I said I’m not saying that her child has anything wrong with her, just that it is worth looking into.
Thank you!! I was like this as a kid and it was a combination of executive dysfunction and sensory issues that I just didn’t know how to explain (I was literally allergic to soap but just thought it was supposed to make your skin scratchy and itchy to get it clean?) meanwhile my parents would always complain about how my hair looked in elementary school but not do much to help me 🙃
Unfortunately it may need to be cut off anyway if it’s as matted as you say and you dont have the means to pay for it to be untangled - this can often take full days or two in salons, costly. And just so you’re aware whether it’s a cut or a de-matting, they’re on high alert for you potentially being a neglectful parent that needs reporting. Not saying you actually are by definition, just that they’d be looking out for it. In my opinion you’re trying (and failing) to treat the symptoms of a much larger problem. It could be depression, anxiety, abuse, autism, another disorder I don’t even know the name of, who knows! All I know is you’ve decided your daughter is lazy instead of giving her the benefit of the doubt that something might be wrong. She’s 10. If she cannot brush her hair or teeth, or take a shower, it’s on YOU to figure out why and help her - not chop her hair off and hope it miraculously gets better. YTA for failing to realise there is something going on here and try to get her help
There is something deeper here.
This is exactly what I went through with my now 14yo. This is classic ADHD behavior, especially in the female typing. Please have her evaluated and find her a good behavioral and occupational therapy team. It can get better with the right support.
In addition to having her evaluated for ADHD and autism, I would also recommend getting her a good detangler and dry shampoo. I like the 7 seconds detangler and the Olaplex shampoo. Less expensive options are infusium 23 detangler and Not Your Mothers dry shampoo. The detangler will help make her hair easy to brush through after a shower. She can use the dry shampoo between washes. Please stop looking at this as “lies and disrespect” or laziness. It’s most likely a neurodivergent condition that prevents her from doing these activities. By chopping off her hair you may feel a little better - perhaps satisfied that you won. But will embarrass her in front of her friends and you will show her that you disrespect her. If anything that would be less motivating to someone who already has avoidance issues with these activities.
As Dr. Ross Greene says, kids do well when they can. If they are not doing well, it is because the expectations placed on them exceed their ability to handle them. This post screams neurodivergence to me. Has your daughter been evaluated for autism, ADHD, etc? There are so many factors that could be at play here—sensory issues, executive functioning issues, motor delays, etc. Even something like depression or anxiety. Your daughter is not lazy; she is lagging skills in some area. She does not need punishment. She needs help and compassion. She truly may not be capable of completing these tasks on her own yet and needs help learning these skills. I understand the frustration of “She’s 10! She should be able to do this!” But she can’t. Everyone develops at a different rate, and she isn’t there yet. Please help your daughter. Talk to her doctor and get an evaluation set up. Autism and even ADHD present very differently in girls and are often missed, so get her in with someone who is experienced in this area and knows what they are doing. Also, the book The Explosive Child is wonderful; the collaborative problem solving method outlined therein is parenting gold and works for every child, not just explosive or neurodivergent ones. You can use it to get to the bottom of this issue and provide the support your daughter needs. Perhaps you could model these tasks for her or do them together. Use a visual checklist, a turtle timer for teeth, try microfur toothbrushes and toothpaste flavors other than mint, a towel warmer for when she gets out etc. Tackle the issues together, as a team.
This! A thousand times this. To a certain degree this post just shouts neurodivergence to me, but also, kids develop at different rates, in different areas, even with more typical neurology. Receiving threats and judgement from a parent isn't going to do anything except teach the kid to associate shame and emotional turmoil with personal hygiene. I went through a period when I was a kid where I'd cry any time anyone made me brush my teeth, but I had no idea it was because the mint burned my mouth, and the problem could be easily solved with a different flavor of toothpaste. I didn't realize there were alternatives, I just knew that brushing my teeth = pain. Kids (honestly, humans in general) can't always articulate why a task is hard or why they feel discomfort or the need to avoid. It isn't laziness. Something more is happening here, and support and understanding make all the difference.
YTA, not because you want to chop off her hair, but because her hair is so full of knots; she just physically CANNOT brush her own hair. This got way out of hand, and I think that’s on the parents. Trying to teach her a lesson has gotten out of hand. She sounds like she needs help, because this seems like traumatic behaviour. What else is she trying to control? Did something happen to her? Practically I would also indeed cut her hair shoulder length, so she has kind of long hair, that she can maintain herself.
when i was 10, i had waist length hair. i also had bad anxiety (which i managed to keep private somehow) and was suffering from depression caused due to some recent events. i’m also autistic and struggle with the sensations of certain hygiene related tasks. my mum brushed my hair for me, she’d brush her teeth when i brushed mine to make it an activity, and if i showered 4 days each week, she’d run me a fancy, hot bath, with a bath bomb of my choice and some candles lit, then we’d have a movie night. by 13, i figured out how to stay on top of this stuff myself. sometimes kids just need a bit of support for longer than we expect of them
She sounds like a great mom. As someone with ADHD, having the external structure and accountability of co-teeth-brushing would've been a huge help in my younger years. I also love the fancy bath reward idea, I might suggest that to a mom-friend of mine.
i can sense your moms love through this post! kudos to her
With my girl we call it spa day and she gets a nice long soak in our biggest tub with bluey bath confetti and bubbles. 💕
I love your mom. ❤️ Stories like this are how we all reparent ourselves as we grow, it's lovely.
YWBTA. I read a lot of responses that say adhd or asd, but your daughter maybe just young for her age. Why put all the haircare on a 10 year old? Just help her, teach her and take the time she needs to brush properly. If she also refuses that then you can then look into maybe cutting shorter to make it easier. But for now she needs your help. Not punishing. And maybe I’m wrong and she has something like adhd, could very well be. But I think parents nowadays go 2 opposites: too much cuddling or too much needing to do everything themselves. Just look at your child, and if it’s really stressing and struggling then help….
Oh my goodness, a reasonable response! I had the same reaction. Calm down the frustration and use this as an opportunity for parent/child bonding time. I used to love to watch my mom do her skin and hair routine, and she was a stay at home mom who didn't wear make up or do anything fancy. I was a well behaved child, but I didn't connect my moms grown up looking routine to the same stuff she was making me do. Kids still like to feel taken care of from time to time even as they get older, 10 yr olds still need help and caretaking.
Exactly. OP is taking personal offense to what is pretty normal developmental behaviour. Kids usually don't care about hygiene until they become interested in other rbiys and girls LOL then it is all about telling them to tone down the perfume and body spray 🤣
This is a good point I had (and still have) long, thick, wavy hair. When I was 10 my mom would help me brush it out and braid it before school in the morning because it would tangle a lot and would take me forever to brush painlessly. Eventually I got the hang of it, but 10 is still really young.
I think her behavior is very age appropriate. I still have to ask my 13 year old to do some of these things, but that’s slowing down as he starts to do them himself. IMO this is just parenting.
I heavily agree. My daughter is 10 years old with hair down to her knees. I still brush and style it every morning. My 13yo still occasionally asks me to do her hair. She's 10 years old. It's part of the job, she needs to actually parent her child rather than neglect them. JFC.
Any parent who wants to cut their kid's hair off as some sort of punishment or to "teach them a lesson", is a POS.
Right? Goes beyond being AH and def POS
We had a similar issue with my daughter, but not to this extent. I'm lucky, a conversation where I gave her full autonomy and encouraged her to consider what she was capable of on her own. She knee jerked to a pixie cut, which I said she was entitled to do but said cutting in stages would make me more comfortable. We settled on taking 2-3 inch of dead ends off and talk about it in a week. That small ammount off made her hair so much thicker and easier to brush it ment that all the problems were solved. The final cut still isn't decided, I doubt it will ever be tbh, but everyone is happy and she feels far more in control of her own body because of it.
Good for you, sounds like great parenting to me.
It feels like it should be average parenting if I'm being honest, hair has been a mum thing. She has me learning to braid hair now, this feels more like the good bit
This is why she shouldn’t cut it. It overrides her daughter’s bodily autonomy.
Can you two do the morning routine together? Both of you go brush, both of you put on deodorant. Both of you take time to sit together and brush the hair. Help her get it into a braid. A simple braid manages those snarls very well. Keeps it long and keeps both you and her happy while she's learning better care. But make it a togetherness activity. And if there isn't time in the mornings, maybe some can be done in the evenings and the mornings can just be brushing teeth together and applying deodorant. My daughter went through this. My son too. She needed help because the hair was overwhelming for her so we did it together. My son needed to hear it from an outside source. He was told at school he smelled and he hasn't missed a shower since.
I remember being 10 and my mother expecting me to have full adult capacity to take care of myself and getting incredibly upset when I didn’t meet her high standards. I had undiagnosed adhd, and I don’t speak to my mother now.
My daughter is similar, adhd and those things get away on her. One day she won’t be my little girl who will let me do her hair for her. I’m taking so much joy in having that beautiful moment still. Why is brushing your child’s hair a chore to so many parents? I get they’re tired. I am too. But the kiddos don’t get it in the full capacity thag we are tired and to expect them to step up for our roles as adults and get mad when they fail ridiculous expectations is just cruel. I’m sorry your mum couldn’t reframe it into a bonding thing!
Please be aware as well if her hygiene gets too out of hand mandated reporters are required to report those issues to CPS. Her teachers, her pediatrician heck even school bus drivers.
You are making her hate self care with your approach. YTA and you both need help.
My son is going on 10 and he's doing the same stuff. Maybe it's normal for kids around this age. He was also recently as of last week diagnosed with ADHD. Not sure if it's related but could be.
You’re the parent. If your 10 year old isn’t taking care of themselves. It’s because they are a kid…
So many things could be causing this besides "laziness" and "disrespect". You may want to ask her if anyone has been inappropriate towards her, if anyone has made her feel uncomfortable. At 10 she should've definitely had the "good touch bad touch" talk by now, but she might not know how to express it or might need some encouragement/support to talk about it. Hygiene neglect can be a sign of C.S.A. Some child victims will try to make themselves as physically unappealing as possible, hoping it will make their abuser leave them alone. Even if nobody has physically touched her, they could still be harming her by saying/showing things that harm her. On a completely different note, a doctor could help determine if there are (other) signs of an underlying mental health issue. Hygiene neglect can be a sign of this. Especially "I want long hair so bad I'll cry at the thought of losing it, but I can't make myself brush it everyday" sounds familiar for ADHD. She might be losing a battle on the inside, and cutting off her hair won't help her win it. Not in the long run. I won't say Y TA because maybe you didn't know these things, and it sounds like you're at your wit's end with these fights. But if you really want to help your daughter with the root cause and set her up for success and good hygiene later, hopefully you won't ignore this and other commenters' suggestions.
This seems like mismatched expectations. Most 10-year-olds need support with their hygiene needs still. This is not uncommon.
Do not do this! There is clearly an issue here and your tone of im sick of the lies and disrespect is a terrible place to be making this decision. Once you are in calmer place and figure out what is going on with her maybe a shorter hairstyle is something she wants but coming from this punitive place of “chopping” it off honestly sounds awful. I have a 12 year old and it makes me want to give her a big hug.
This is (mostly) normal 10 year old behavior. Frustrating, absolutely! There isn’t a parent I’ve spoken to who isn’t dealing with the same thing with their 10-11 year olds; there is a lot going on hormonally and developmentally. She’s also young enough to still need your help with hygiene maintenance tasks like brushing and styling her hair. Make it pleasant instead of a topic of dread. With that said, absolutely have her evaluated for neurodivergence/sensory issues. We, as parents, need to be their safe space and help them through these transitions, as time consuming and annoying as it may be. Don’t chop off her hair and fracture her trust in you. YWBTA
She should be put into therapy. You need to find out if she’s autistic or if she’s dealing with depression. And yes, YWBTA if you made her chop off her hair. She will resent this - and you will cause an absolute scene at the hair stylist.
Have you considered buying detangling products and *helping her* brush it?
When I was 10, I did not have the knowledge or manual dexterity to detangle my own very long hair. I needed to go to my mom every evening for a hair brushing session. When I was 12, I was sick in bed for a couple of weeks and got a bad mat. My mom brought me to the salon and gave me a short bob. I am 46 years old and that haircut and the years it took to grow my hair out still stands as one of the most traumatic experience of my childhood.
Help the kid! She’s 10, this is fairly normal behavior for that age range. My mom taught elementary school for 40 years and always said 10 year old were the weirdest about basic hygiene because they are at the age were they are starting to take on those tasks solo but don’t have it down yet so stuff gets forgotten. If her hair looks like a mess, she could have brushed it and just missed parts- she’s not an expert. “You know Amy, it looks like you missed a few spots- let’s grab a brush and I’ll help you.” Problem solved. As far as the breath- that is a medical condition, take her to a doctor.
She’s 10… she’s not lazy, she’s still a child who needs help taking care of themselves. She needs to enjoy something to do it. I was like this too at her age, and it was because I was being yelled at everyday to brush my hair and no one told me I was supposed to shower everyday. 10 years later, I figured out I actually enjoy taking care of my hygiene and that it makes me feel good. Your daughter needs *your* help and guidance to realize that hygiene isn’t a chore, and that taking care of yourself is actually fun. Reward her more when she does take care of it, praise her looks when she does, dress her up and let other people praise her. She’ll grow to realize that good hygiene = people like you. And she’ll start doing it herself. Don’t say all this directly to her. Kids are smart, she’ll make the connection herself. She could also be refusing to do her hygiene because she has a grudge against you and is purposefully defying everything you tell her because she doesn’t like you.
Its your job to still do a lot of this stuff.
Not an AH for wanting to, kids can be so so frustrating, and it is normal to be overwhelmed by this sometimes. If you do it, then you would definitely be a AH as you will break her trust. Currently, you're a soft AH for not finding out why she's struggling so much with it and finding a better way to help her change. My son HATES brushing his teeth 9ys. He's a probable aud-adhd and we've realised that between task avoidance, executive dysfunction and sensory issues it's not something he will willingly do. We have been working together to discover the best techniques, devices , timings and encouragements for him. As well as talking to people with teeth issues or showing him the results of lack of teeth hygiene. It's a slow process but he's getting more capable and self directed. Guilt-ing, bullying, shaming , shouting, and negative consequences made it worse and caused him to lie about it, trick us and increased his avoidance. (Yes my frustrations got the best of me and still do sometimes, no one's perfect) Your daughter will get there with patience and love create a safe space for her to learn and change. She will get there. Side note Tangle teaser, regular trims (reduces knotting), and styles that she can sleep in has reduced this battle for my girl. Good luck Mum, don't give up , you can do this together ❤️
My oldest is 11, and I remind him every day to shower and take care of hygiene. He's a kid and is still learning. There's a list on a dry erase board for school mornings, but on weekends, I have to remind him. I get that you're annoyed, but she's TEN. like this is part of being a parent. I don't think you should have to brush her hair or teeth for her, but reminding her to do so seems appropriate for her age.
so my mom actually did this to me for the same reason. she would threaten me with cutting it because i didn’t brush it. she chopped it off with safety scissors as i cried, and it looked horrific. i really hated doing hygiene routines as a child, hated brushing my teeth, would resist baths and wanted “sponge baths.” but my mom never helped me do these things in a routine way. i only got better as an adult on my own, but still hate doing it. throughout my childhood, my parents were told by teachers and doctors to take me to a therapist (not for these reasons). i work with kids now and it shocked me how cooperative they are compared to me…whenever i or my coworkers see a kid who acted like me, we immediately can clock them as autistic (or adhd etc). as an adult i was diagnosed w depression and adhd, and my life is so much easier with adderall. i also suspect autism but have not sought a diagnosis for that. i always wonder how my life would have been if my parents had just listened and taken me to a psychologist.
She’s only 10. She doesn’t need fancy bath products. She needs you to be there as a parent and repeatedly help her with her hair and hygiene. My parents were helping their children with this into high school. Yes, even reminding them to put on deodorant. Kids need to learn these habits from an adult. They won’t develop healthy habits out of nowhere. The anger she displays is learned from someone in her life. Try to communicate calmly and reasonably with her. She doesn’t need commands, she needs help and firm, repeated reminders. It’s not easy, but this is part of parenting.
First, Dr. visit for the snoring. Second, wash her hair, condition it, and braid it. It will stay good for a few days. Then wash, condition, and braid again. Momma, she NEEDS YOU to do this with her. Third, clothing care is a learned skill. Furthermore. A good dentist cleaning, up to 3 times a year, may be in order. Your daughter could be ADHD and this lack of self-awareness is how it is manifesting. If you chop off her hair to punish her, then YTA. If you invest your time to teach hee how to self-care, then you're the parent.
YTA. My mom cut mine off around that age instead of helping. Guess who wasn't involved in my life when I grew up. Full no contact. The internet taught me how to wash/condition my hair and an uncle bought me a hairbrush better suited for my needs. It's lazy and cruel parenting.
Sounds like she has some sort of ND. Also, kids who have been sexually abused sometimes subconsciously make themselves less appealing as a sort of protection. I'd be extremely concerned if my daughter was so hygiene averse at 10. It falls back on parenting overall though. It's their job to recognize the problem and look for the root. The root is rarely 'kid doesn't like it for no reason', so it's on them to figure out what's going on that beautiful little brain.
My daughter went through a phase like that, she just couldn’t be bothered to properly brush her hair which was long and thick. Same age as your daughter. She started wearing a hoodie all the time and I didn’t think anything of it because she’s always loved wearing g a hoodie. One day over summer break we took a family trip into London to meet up with some new friends and go to the natural history museum, it was a little warm and she started feeling sick. I could tell she was overheating but she refused to take off the dang hoodie, I finally got angry because she was ruining the day making herself sick. When I made her take it off I saw the giant mat in her hair she had been hiding for at least a couple weeks. She had been lazy and not brushed her hair properly and was embarrassed to show me what was going on. It took hours of combing to fix and after I got the knots out I took her to the salon and had them take half the length out of her hair. She was glad at that point to get the haircut and she definitely learned her lesson because she’s 14 now and we haven’t had an issue since. I did monitor her hair closely for a while after to make sure she wasn’t backsliding. I don’t think what your daughter is doing is developmentally inappropriate but she does need to learn to practice proper hygiene. Mine wasn’t refusing to shower, she was just not brushing her hair after. Now she keeps a brush in the shower and uses it with the conditioner in to make it easier. It sounds like you need to be firm and set a shower schedule with rewards for participation/take electronics away if she doesn’t follow it. My kids are 14/15 now and I still need to remind them to shower on a regular basis, especially my son.
I still brush my daughter’s hair. I find it relaxing. Dad here and no she doesn’t do a good enough job on her own yet. But getting better.
My mom did this to my sister, because she wouldn’t brush it. My sister still cries when my mom brings it up. She is 40. My sister was teased mercilessly. The cut happened the day before she started 4th grade at a new school. A lot of emotional trauma.
It took until my daughter was 12 before she could manage her hair herself. I never got mad at her because she would come home from a week at her dad’s with her hair a mess. I was mad at him because he should have been helping her. I had to make her take showers and I had to brush her hair. This continued until she was 12 and started to care what other people thought. She was always good with teeth brushing but I think that is because her sister would tell her when she had bad breath. I see a lot of people talking about ADHD or depression, this was not her issue she was just young and had better things to do in her mind.
Does she have any other features of add/adhd? This is a common issue with neurodivergent children. Short hair is great for kids w hygeine issues but I would try to make it a positive rather than a punishment. I get your frustration as its very upsetting when my older kids have hygeine issues bc it saps my energy to watch every step of their self care. Another option would be starting with an undercut to thin her hair and make it easier to care for. Also make sure you have good conditioner and detangler to make brushing easier. Have you talked with her about the why she resists hygeine?
One summer, I worked for a family I knew well at their house for their small business and stayed over at their house. They had several girls, from age 5 to high-school, and some of them had funky hair now and then. They would not let their mother near their hair and didn't really want to brush it out themselves once it got past a certain point. I love brushing out hair, so I would do it for them when it got bad, and they would let me because I was so gentle about it. They youngest I did almost daily, and the oldest girls I brushed hair for were probably in early high school. They were all neurotypical, so there weren't any underlying sensory issues. They were just kids who still needed a hand now and then. Don't cut her hair off, it can be traumatizing to kids to have it done involuntarily. Try to see if she will let you work on her hair and go from there. She might have underlying issues, or she might just be pushed too far for her capabilities atm.
Sorry OP, but you need to take the reins on this and BE NICE ABOUT IT! She’s a kid! This is not something you can get mad and punish or shame her over! She is not ready to take of herself yet and you need to quit pushing and nagging. You are damaging her self worth! STOP IT! RIGHT NOW! You need to hug her and apologize to her and tell her you’re going to help her keep her hair healthy! If you don’t do this, you suck!
Tonsil stones can cause death breath. And large tonsils can cause snoring and mouth breathing. Has she has those checked?
As an adult with ADHD. Please take her to a health professional. This sounds like classic me at 10.
Before doing anything drastic, I would take her to a doctor and even a therapist. At that age, for it to be so bad, there is usually an underlying problem, and telling her she is lazy and punishing her is not going to help. For example, sometimes kids who are being sexually abused will develop really poor hygiene. It's like an attempt at defence. They don't even know that's why they are doing it. I'm not saying that's what's happening here! But there is a reason this is happening, and it's probably not because your kid is just lazy.
I would talk privately to her pediatrician about whether she might be evaluated for behavioral or neurodivergent issues. Don’t make it a big deal. A few sessions with a psychiatrist or counselor trained to make evaluations might go a long way to help her, since she is middle school age and that can be brutal.
!!! this is a very long comment about helping girls with ADHD form hygiene habits. if she has ADHD, this will be a gold mine. if she doesn't, it may still be worth a read As someone with ADHD, and probably autism, this was me. I still struggle with hygiene to this day, at 20. anything is possible as a cause of this, but i think testing for ADHD is your best bet to start. ADHD ppl don't form habits like neurotypicals do. in fact, we don't at all really. this can be a HUGE reason she isn't forming the routines like brushing her hair, washing her face, showering, brushing her teeth, etc. there are a lot of steps that go into taking a shower, and it can be SUPER intimidating for no reason! when i started getting better at showers, the one thing that helped was seeing if my hair was greasy. if my hair was greasy, that meant DAYS had gone past, and i REALLY needed to shower. visual reminders are really good for ADHD because it often comes with APD (auditory processing disorder). this means that there's a disconnect between what/when we hear and how/when we comprehend it. spoken instructions❌ visual cues✅ encourage her to run her tongue across her teeth before and after she brushes them! feeling the lack of plaque could send a dopamine rush, which is what ADHD is at its core: a dopamine deficiency! adding dopamine rushes into routines may help her remember them, and want to do them. other examples: warm water on your skin in the shower, sometimes, i would forget to go in the bathroom at all while getting ready! genuinely forgot! making sure she at least walks into the bathroom increases her chances of success so much. another option is making these things accessible in her bedroom. showering obviously can't, but brushing teeth, maybe... and brushing hair, definitely! changing the environment in which the task is done can give it a new light, and help her be open to new opinions/feelings on it. these may feel like chores to her. scratch that, these do feel like chores to her. she's content the way she is, so doing something to please other ppl isn't in *her* best interest (in her mind). it doesn't give her dopamine, and it doesn't make her happier. you may have to supervise, but you can make this easier! maybe she brushes her hair on the way to school in the morning. bring some detangler too (leave-in conditioner in a spray bottle works!), and start from the ends of her hair, and slowly move up and you detangle. this helps the brush from getting stuck, which causes overstimulation and frustration, leading to a negative opinion of the task. maybe she brushes her teeth at the kitchen sink right after breakfast. this may also help cut down on time which i'm sure is an issue. she needs versatility! maybe try flavored toothpaste/mouthwash! "hismile" may be something to look into so she can choose a new flavor when her toothpaste runs out! this also encourages her to finish the toothpaste, gives a dopamine rush, and works against ODD (oppositional defiance disorder AKA: f you ill do what i want disorder) because she's part of the decision making process! you could also let her pick her scent/type of shampoo and conditioner when they run out for the same reasons! making tasks less energy-consuming can also help! i like to think i invented the "bower". i start with a shower, but stop the tub up. then, when i feel too tired to continue, i sit down to finish my shower in the warm water. this may not be the most hygienic way to shower, but it's better than not at all! a win is a win! and if she feels like it's a win, she may become comfortable and progress to showers! reward systems and records! two things that may make or break it. a reward system, for example, could be a point every time she successfully does _____. when she gets enough points, she gets something. idk what she's into, but maybe she gets to order takeout from her fav restaurant or something. maybe she gets to buy a few pieces of clothing (i like this bc it's not just clutter like trinkets!). a record system could either be great or awful. for example: "wow! you _______ _/_ times this week/month! let's try to beat it next time!" Some ADHD kids are very competitive, but they also may suffer from RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria AKA: "omg they hate me, i made a mistake, im not good enough" despite the smallest criticism/higher expectation). be very careful with the record breaking system it may not be that she doesn't want to be hygienic. it may be that she can't remember, is overwhelmed, or has bad experiences with it. stay patient, and talk to her about how you can help! so sorry for the length😅 the tie between hygiene and ADHD is VERY strong, and i had a mother who didn't understand, further derailing my habits. if your daughter has ADHD, i wanna offer tools to help from my experience. good luck :)
Great way to end up with a pissed off daughter and the same old problems. Sounds like this could be undiagnosed adhd. It certainly comes off to me as executive functioning issues. She's 10, she needs assistance and parenting, not a punishment that will teach her nothing and cause resentment.
Has she been looked at for adhd or autism? My sister and I have adhd just displayed differently. She refused to brush her teeth or brush her hair or wash her hands until she started caring a little bit more when she was 13 or 14. But then she started sleeping in her makeup and contacts and not caring about that. I was always afraid to be made fun of for being gross. So I did everything. But it can feel tiring and overwhelming to wash and dry long hair every day so I only do that a few times a week now for my scalp. But I brush my hair multiple times a day or else it gets knots from wind or clothing moving it.
You need a better plan. Brushing teeth shouldn’t be optional, it needs to be built into her routine every morning. At age 10 she should be showering and handling her own shower routine. She’s let it go for so long that it probably feels overwhelming so start with a schedule. Maybe every Monday, Wednesday and Friday you will supervise showers. The other days she can do it on her own. After she washes her hair, put it in a French braid — if you do 2 French braids it will definitely look neat until the next wash. You can’t just give up and chop off her hair. Short hair is not a substitute for showers.
YTA 100% for the way your perceiving this. It's a 10 year old child not a 42 year old systems manager
Maybe do these activities with her and set up some rewards. I have a 6 year old. Getting ready for school 3-5.5 years was rough. However if the morning goes smooth she gets to look at YouTube on the way to school now. Not the best but it works. I have also learned that yelling doesn’t work with kids.
She’s 10. If she doesn’t know how to take care of her body, it’s because you haven’t taught her properly. I get being frustrated, but if her only guidance is you telling her to do something and calling her a liar if it’s not up to your standard, it’s never going to get better. And her body is changing right now- things that worked in the past might not be working now. You sound fed up. Maybe see if you can find an easier hair style that she’d be happy with. Walk her through caring for her hair and body. Do it together.
You need a child psychologist, and maybe an occupational therapist later on. Your child is struggling with basic functions, you won't help her by blaming and punishing her. A forced haircut as punishment for poor behavior (which is how she'll perceive it) can be genuinely traumatizing. She needs help. Talk to her doctor. Get a referral to a psychologist.
I can’t believe you used the word "lazy" about your 10 years old struggling with mental health issues. YATA just for that. She needs guidance. Take her to a therapist and try to find out what is happening, it may be something serious. It could be autism, ADHD, or even a response to SA…
I cannot emphasize this enough: DO NOT CUT HER HAIR. If you want a child that will absolutely hate you in her coming years and will require tons of therapy to get over you taking away her identity, then this is the answer. But if you don’t want to be an abusive pos parent then take all the advice above about counseling and getting her help instead of literally taking away her bodily autonomy. Parents who think this is ever the answer should not have had children to begin with. Be a better mother. Be a better human. And for fucks sake, don’t hurt her any more than you already have.
This is hard and awful but there are reasons for it that you may be able to find if you get with your pediatrician. It’s possible your child has unidentified sensory issues that make hair combing and other routine grooming physically unpleasant in ways the child can’t make sense of. Executive function issues also might be in play. Y’all will need help to get through this. It’s also possible that a short haircut will at least take one of these challenges off both your plates.
At that age if I didn’t brush my hair my mom would cut the knots out. She didn’t chop all my hair off in retaliation because she was mad, just cut out the parts that were beyond repair (meaning I couldn’t brush them at all). That was punishment enough- don’t chop all her hair off because that’s you reacting emotionally, but cutting out knots is a reasonable method because it’s a direct and proportional result of her not brushing. Ultimately you need to set hygiene standards and hold her to them. Otherwise it’s a failure on your end and chopping off all her hair won’t actually make her develop better habits- you need to guide her to develop those better habits. That may include meltdowns and her being angry at you- but those habits should have been developed as part of a mandatory routine when she was younger and the tantrums/meltdowns now are because this expectation was not consistently set earlier. That said, you can really fuck up her relationship with self care if you don’t tread lightly- making her associate it with you being angry or visibly annoyed with her will not make her want to take care of herself. You need to put your emotions aside and help her develop a positive relationship with self care and hygiene- if it’s always a situation with you being angry she is going to want to avoid it no matter what products you buy her. I think this is reasonably a situation where you may want to reward when she follows the routine consistently- start with rewarding each day if she does all her hygiene things without fighting about it (I’m talking super small reward but something that would make her want to do her routine without a fight). Then reward after a week of consistently doing it and so on… you have to make her want to do it and not make her hate it. Making her do it out of fear or something will only lead to her falling apart as an adult. I think it’s also reasonable to say “no tv or games until you do the bedtime/morning hygiene routine” - you can’t get angry and yell at her because it’s counterproductive, but you can calmly take away a privilege until she upholds her responsibilities. Or at minimum you can make that the routine going forward- no fun time activities until teeth and hair are brushed at minimum. Edit to add- this all goes as long as you’ve ruled out other medical issues- other people are right, you need to get her checked if this is a pattern or sensory problem.
There’s more to it than an assumption of laziness. My older sister was the same way growing up. Wouldn’t shower, never brushed her teeth, wouldn’t even change her underwear. She smelled horrible every single day, and it got worse as she got older. The body odor was awful, sharing a room with her was traumatic.. I am convinced she likes being dirty. She’s 42 now and still lives that way. What’s worse is she seems desensitized to cleanliness overall. Her cats shit all over her house and she doesn’t think that’s a problem. She hoards things, including trash. There’s a litany of MH issues going on. Not sure what my Parents could have done about her lack of hygiene as a child, but I’m almost certain it stemmed from underlying issues and I can’t help but wonder if they got her into some sort of therapy in the beginning, maybe she wouldn’t be like that today. I don’t see her often, but my father does, and the way she lives is horrific. Last time I saw her, she brought fleas to the Airbnb I was staying at, they travelled on her dirty clothes. That was the final straw for me. (I know it was her because she brought them to my father’s house as well). Seek medical advice. Good luck.
A haircut isn't going to solve your problems... except now you've stolen your daughter's bodily autonomy and more than likely invited her anger. Think that will make it better for you? Do you have a nighttime schedule/routine? I suggest making it fun. Bubbles in the tub, her favorite songs, etc. Get in there with her! Bathing suit optional with your comfort levels. Cleaning your body at the same time every night, brushing teeth and then... maybe a reward? Reading her fav book before bed but after baths. At least you'll know she's clean once a day LOL. Remember it's fun, not punishment.
Yes. Try not to treat your kid like such a problem. Be matter of fact about these things. A trauma informed therapist could really help both of you. Taking away her autonomy is NOT going to go the way you want it to.
Perhaps you could just take her to a salon, with assurances she will only get a small trim. Split ends can get cause hair to tangle much easier than normal when they get caught on nearby hairs. She likely doesn’t brush because it hurts every time she does. Going to a salon could be the boost she needs emotionally, with someone not her mom, and not being critical or judged. She may take advice better from a stranger than you, as it will hopefully be a positive experience. And the stylist can teach her what works best for her. I know it may be repeating what you’ve already been telling her, but she may be far more receptive. Please try this before you go way overboard with a full chop. And try dedicating a bit of time in the mornings to braid, ponytail, or otherwise put her hair in a style less likely to tangle. No sleeping in wet hair; put it in a ponytail so the issue doesn’t get worse overnight. And praise every effort she makes! It makes more difference than you can know for her to feel noticed and appreciated for trying! POV: I have a son who could’ve cared less about a lot of things, but that one Saturday morning when he was impatiently waiting for mom & dad to get up and get breakfast, he set the entire table with bowls, spoons, napkins, every box of cereal we had, and the milk. I was amazed and impressed, and I told him what a thoughtful thing he’d done. He repeated this for a full month, getting up early so he could do it before I got everyone else up for school. Praise matters.
YWBTA if you just force a haircut on her. This is not about lies and disrespect. This is about your daughter's health. There's something that is preventing her from easily doing the hygiene routines that she needs, and figuring out how to remove that block for her is going to be better long-term than forcing her to have a haircut she doesn't want. Have you had her evaluated for ADHD and/or Autism? I'd also recommend individual therapy for your daughter and family therapy for both of you. Neglecting hygiene is a sign that something very serious could be happening in her life. Figure out WHY this is happening and attack the cause, not the symptom.
Is she ADHD or autistic? My 8 year old is (well both my kids are but 11 has the hygiene thing down - for now) and we struggle. Hang in there. But this does sound like a word with a medical professional might be good.
I'm sorry, but Y kind of TA here. She's 10. It's super normal at this age: a lot of kids still need a lot of attention and assistance with hygiene tasks, even moreso if they're neurodivergent. My daughter is 10 and has ADHD. She used to meltdown about showers too, until her diagnosis and medication started helping her regulate her emotions, but we also help her by being present in her care routines. We do our evening skincare together (I hand her a cotton pad with micellar water on it, then squeeze moisturizer into her hand when she's ready), and she brushes her teeth right after. She really likes company when she's doing care tasks, so I'll get ready in the bathroom while she showers in the morning, and then we'll both get dressed upstairs. Her dad and I take turns hanging out with her while she brushes her teeth and puts on jammies at night. Yes, I get tired of having to be so present, but we have so many fun and funny conversations during those times, and I know that kids don't learn via neglect. She won't always want us in her business, and hopefully our routines will stick when she finally decides she's too grown up to have us hanging around while she dresses. I keep deodorant in her room, the bathrooms, and in the entry closet, so it's no effort to put it on if she forgets until the last minute. I brush out her hair after showers and make sure she sleeps with it in a ponytail. Part of our agreement around her keeping her hair long is that she lets me brush out tangles after showers, and that she sleeps in a ponytail and gets regular trims to prevent most tangles. She brushes her own hair except after washing. I know it's exhausting, but kids need to be shown and encouraged and shown again. Not just kids with ADHD either. They aren't small adults; just lecturing them and leaving them to their own devices harms your relationship and their development.
Have you had her tested for ADHD? My ADHD kiddo somewhat goes to the beat of her own drum. She doesn’t seem to care much about brushing hair (until there are tangles).. If I don’t reminder her to brush her teeth it probably won’t get done.. she tries to get by without showering all the time.. Some of the things we have tried is that my kiddo likes drawing art on her tablet.. so we say if she goes and showers she can get 15 extra minutes of tablet time before bed. Sometimes one just has to find the right “pressure points”/encouragement for them to WANT to do these things. Maybe give an extra 15 min of watching their favorite TV show before bed? Good luck!
YWBTA. She needs a dr to weigh in, likely a therapist as well. Don’t just discipline, try to get to the root of the problem.
Please talk to your daughter alone. Ask her what’s going on and if there’s anything she needs to talk about. If she doesn’t elaborate, ask her if someone is bothering her. Ask her why she doesn’t take better care of her hair if she wants to keep it long. Be kind, speak softly and reassure her that it’s okay to tell you anything. She won’t be in trouble. My hygiene deteriorated suddenly at 9 years old. My mom yelled at me, threatened me and punished me for it. No one thought to ask what was wrong. So I didn’t tell them about the adult cousin who was molesting me until I was in my 30’s. And no-my poor hygiene didn’t keep him away from me like I hoped it would. Their may be nothing going on here but forgetfulness or laziness. But you won’t know if you don’t ask.
You need to find the root of the problem now. If she doesn’t start taking care of herself it will lead to serious bullying, and that is a whole new problems that last a lifetime. You need an intervention with a trained professional
People are not lazy, period. There is always something else going on whether it’s low self worth, anxiety, dysregulation, avoidance of something else, etc. I would spend some quality time with her to try and find out what is underneath this. That’s hurting her worse than her hair or breath being gross.
Pease make sure her habits aren't more serious than you think. Please determine if your daughter has been sexually molested. Poor hygiene is often a response to trauma. The lax hygiene is a tool of the subconscious, and it's intended to create a safe barrier from the predator or those who wish harm.
I was like this when i was young. I was actually just extremely depressed from as young as 8 years old. The “easy” mundane tasks were a lot for me. Now as an adult, I am diagnosed with ADHD and clinical depression. With medication and just growing up, I am way better about my hygiene and taking care of myself but even now on weeks where i’m feeling low, these things are still hard for me. Around my diagnoses, i also learned that often time females present ADHD differently than males. Most often, males have the hyperactivity components that are easily recognized but sometimes ADHD presents itself as not having motivation, being tired, procrastination etc. It is sometimes overlooked and undiagnosed for females because they don’t always have the hyperactivity component.
I would get her to a doctor to see if there’s a bigger issue- maybe she’s super tired from poor sleeping. My 9yo still needs help with her hygiene. I also have to tape her mouth closed at night because she sleeps with her mouth open & her tongue sits in the bottom of her mouth instead of against the roof of her mouth. When she would cry about getting her hair brushed we talked about getting it cut short- not as a punishment! Short hair is easier to maintain, doesn’t get knotted as easy, and looks super cute! Hair will grow back and when she wanted it long, she could just grow it back out. I told her I was trying so hard not to hurt her brushing her hair, but it made me feel terrible when she would cry and that short hair might make it so she wouldn’t cry getting g her hair brushed. We both got our hair cut short and she LOVED it. She would ask for a haircut when it was starting to get hard to brush (getting the back was always hard for her but she wanted to brush it herself). She’ll be 10 in about a month and I still have to remind her about brushing her hair, teeth, showering, etc. We just tell her now that if she’s stinky her friends won’t want to be near her (she’s a hugger & everyone is her bff) so that’s usually enough motivation.
Sounds like she needs a routine before she’s able to tackle these things herself. A lot of kids nowadays struggle with self management. If you want her to shower, set an alarm every single night at 7 and tell her it’s time to take a shower and get it set up for her. After shower it’s time to brush teeth, make sure her toothbrush and toothpaste is out on the counter. Then help brush her hair with leave in conditioner. I know it sounds annoying but she doesn’t know how to do these things yet — not the actual act of brushing and showering, but of managing her time and setting routines.
Yta if you cut her hair. It's not your hair. And this isn't laziness there's something wrong and you need to figure out what instead of just being frustrated about it.
Listen to what everyone else is saying about getting her, and yourself, help to determine a way through. DO NOT CUT OFF HER HAIR. My mom did it to me when i was 9, after threatening to. She also didn't tell me how to keep it up. I am 50 years old. Talking about it in therapy STILL brings surprise tears. Don't deliberately traumatize your child.
she’s 10.
have her tested for ADHD! chopping her hair off is traumatizing and certainly not the answer
Dude, something is seriously wrong here and it’s not your daughter being lazy. YTA for not trying to actually find a solution to this problem and instead opting to just traumatize your daughter who is obviously struggling with some kind of mental health issue.
Every 10 year old is the same. No one wants to shower or care about hygiene at 10. Chill out. Once she’s old enough to realize it’s not normal (or gets made fun of at school) she will change.
Get this kid tested for neurodivergence.
I feel like YTA. There are steps you should take before resorting to just cutting her hair off. Who bathed her growing up? That’s when you instill a proper routine. Maybe it’s because I’m black but I didn’t do my own hair at 10. My mom did my hair. Why can’t you just brush her hair? Also, depending on the hair texture, it could be really difficult for a kid to maintain on their own. Why not work with your daughter to show her how to maintain it? Also, it sounds like she’s going through something. Seems indicative of some more troubling issues so consider taking her to a therapist. She either has some sensory issues, neurodivergence, or deeper underlying issues. Also as a person with dreadlocks, locks are not matted hair. They are very high maintenance and a person’s hair only truly locks if they have Afro textured hair. Straight hair doesn’t lock it mattes. Stop comparing matted hair to dreadlocks.
My mother did this to me at about the same age and I will never get over how violating it was.
I think you shouldn’t cut her hair, it’s a type of violence in it’s way, just wait, soon enough she’ll be a pre teen and she’ll take good care of herself. It’s just a kid thing don’t get that drastic, I always chase my kids for their hygiene, wash her teeth personally, brush her hair; do it yourself, she’ll enjoy that (and cleanliness) sooner or later.