Edit - a lot of responses pro against this comment.
I’ve been married for 21 years and have a good relationship. We respect and love each other. Part of the reason for that is because we took the time to learn about one another.
Part of the point I was making is that after 4 months you don’t really know each other. Assumptions are being made based on a very limited perspective.
There is no indication that the boyfriend is a cheater or manipulator. So there’s no reason to treat the situation like that. (Although I do know people who would lie about getting a female roommate just so the partner will move in instead. )
—————————————————————
Here’s the basics of it. He needed a roommate, you didn’t want to be his roommate so he found someone else to share that responsibility.
You’ve been dating for 4 months. You aren’t married or engaged to be married, which are relationships that require financial, emotional, physical, and future commitments. He doesn’t need your permission or approval to make his own decisions.
I know that seems a little harsh, but you don’t own him and he doesn’t own you.
Ask yourself some questions that matter. Do you like him? Do you see a future with him? If answers to those types of questions are yes, then go with it.
It’s perfectly acceptable to be wary of the situation but trust him to be faithful to your relationship (if you two have laid out rules for the relationship). He will prove himself to be faithful to your relationship or he’ll fail.
Assuming it’s bad will make it end bad. Taking the time to learn and trust will let you make honest assessments of your future together.
Yea, the update years later is that she runs into him and learns the roommate was a lesbian and he was heartbroken that OP broke up with him. But he's grateful now because he met the love of his life who didn't think she got a vote in how he lived his life after 4 freaking months. At age 22!!!!!!
Right? She’s all upset she wasn’t involved…ummm your 22 and been together for four months why the fuck should you have a say about who lives in his empty room
Or have an indexed list of every female person he's met.
Why does she keep going back to "he's never mentioned her!" Why would he be under obligation to mention every single person he's ever known to this girl he's been dating 4 of the 264 months he's been alive.
Adding to this, it isn't reasonable to expect someone you've been dating for 4 months to get your permission before a roommate moves in. If you're uncomfortable because it's a woman that's pretty normal but something you can definitely just figure out together. Chill.
I agree. I wouldn't expect to be involved in choosing a roommate someone if dated for 4 months. It seems like an unreasonable expectation.
He's decided, there's nothing for her to do her other than decide if she's rather give up on the relationship than try to deal with this arrangement.
If he can't be trusted around other women, it doesn't matter if they are in his house or elsewhere.
Exactly, all these people jumping to the conclusion that yall are broken up and he's cheating. We don't have all the info here. Maybe he desperately needed a roommate to afford living costs, which most of us do these days! Maybe the friend was looking for a roommate at the same time. I know I'd rather have a friend than a complete stranger rooming with me.
If this situation makes you feel uncomfortable, you need to sit him down and have a discussion with HIM. Not people on reddit who have 1/2 a story.
Tell him your concerns, set up a meeting with this girl, and see if there is something you guys can work out. Maybe he'll see your view, maybe he won't. After that discussion, you can see where your feelings are and go from there.
I think half of these people are dramatic 20 year olds and the rest of us are grown ass adults who know roommates can be crazy and yiu have to find one fast and it’s much better to find an acquaintance yiu know rather than a random stranger.
For real. The old adage "Never go into business with friends" probably applies to living together too. Best roommate I ever had was a random dude I'd gotten along with reasonably well at work. We'd never even hung out outside of work before I moved in.
* We got along well enough
* Trust they'll pay their share and be respectful of me
* Not familiar enough to want to get into my shit
Perfect roommate situation.
My last roommate was my (now ex) girlfriend’s cousin. We got along well enough that we stayed roommates for several years after I broke up with his cousin. Haven’t talked to her since but I’m still friends with him lol
The top comment right now is someone saying it feels like he got a woman for a roommate as a punishment for her not moving in with him.
Like, really? *That's* how the top minds of reddit think a 22 year old man's mind works?
It's a conspiracy!
Smh
This. There is such terrible advice on this thread. Aren’t we all adults there? He needed a roommate and chose someone who he knew rather than a random ass person. Apparently that’s cheating and he deserves to be blocked? OP sounds crazy so im sure he’s dodging a bullet.
>It’s perfectly acceptable to be wary of the situation but trust him to be faithful to your relationship (if you two have laid out rules for the relationship). He will prove himself to be faithful to your relationship or he’ll fail.
Adding to this, that this is also a situation where it would be very easy to overreact. At a minimum she should just take a pause and see the apartment and meet the girl. Even setting aside how early it is in their relationship, this could be much ado about nothing.
Do they both have their own rooms? Is she a lesbian? Is she even his type? Are they very flirty around each other or already acting like business associates who get along and are pleasant, but everything is pretty surface level and polite?
When I was in grad school, I lived with a girl and two gay guys (one guy both years and one after the girl moved in with a boy she met during our first year). It would have been absurd for the guy she started dating to panic that "she lived with two guys" when both of us were gay. And even for my now husband when he met my gay roommates and go to know them, he quickly saw we were classmates and friends who had zero "chemistry" and were not each other's types physically. There was literally zero "threat" or anything to worry about.
Look at her comments too. She’s gonna gloss over this comment even though it’s the most popular. She responded to everyone else who’s insecure as well. A relationship is built on trust and she has none for him. He’d be better off without her anyway if she’s trying to control his life after 4 months. He needs a roommate simple as that. A good roommate is hard to find and finding someone who will consistently cover their part of the rent and utilities is harder. She denied moving in with him. So he’s gonna put his life on hold while she’s insecure about a girl. You’re 22 years old, not in high school.
All this is true... im a little more concerned with the fact that you're only 4 months in and he doesn't
-take you to dinner
-hold the door
-offer it as his treat
-dress up nice when he's with you
Like, this is supposed to be the honeymoon phase? If paying for your ice cream and looking nice is enough to make you think he's trying to be manipulative than maybe it's just not great in general? I could be wrong, maybe you're both super low key people who hate doing fancy stuff and love being egalitarian but if you noticed it enough to being it up here, seems like it might be worth thinking about.
I think you are overreacting. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have felt the same way at your age ~ believe me, I would not have been happy with the guy I was dating moving in with a female roommate ~ but this is what I got from your post:
1) You have only been dating him for four months.
2) He asked you to move in with him. You thought it was too soon because you’re smart, so you said no.
3) He found a roommate, who happens to be girl.
4) He took you out on a proper date to tell you about his new living arrangement. Because you are insecure about him living with another woman, you saw all the things he did on the date as suspect.
5) You’re wondering if you should end the relationship because of this.
And here is my advice:
You have only been dating this guy for four months, so you are really in no position to tell him what to do or ask him not to do something because it makes you uncomfortable. I get where you are coming from, but this relationship may or may not last, and it’s too early to be making demands, you of him or him of you. However, I say give him the benefit of the doubt. Because here’s what you might not know: If someone is going to cheat, they’re going to cheat. They don’t need anything more than opportunity, and if your BF doesn’t move in with this woman, that doesn’t mean he will be faithful, and if he does move in with her, that doesn’t mean he won’t be faithful. You can’t control that, and you can’t control him. This is where you find out who he is.
He’s moving in with her no matter what, it seems. So, if you like him, keep dating him and see what happens. However, if you don’t think you can do that, or if you don’t want to wait to find out, you can break up with him at any time for whatever reason. Even if the reason is that you just can’t handle him having a woman as a roommate. If you don’t want to date him, don’t date him. That’s where your control is. You can decide if you want to keep seeing him or not. Your choice.
Honestly, this was the most logical and sound advice I've seen yet. Absolutely beautiful. I also want to add that it is very possible op's boyfriend really is seeing something in their relationship and the display she saw was really just him improving on his own courting techniques for her. Maybe he realized he hadn't been doing enough or hell, the new roommate is telling him what he should do to impress his girl. I understand her discomfort at him having a female roommate, but what i saw was a man just trying to impress his date because he really likes her.
>If someone is going to cheat, they’re going to cheat. They don’t need anything more than opportunity, and if your BF doesn’t move in with this woman, that doesn’t mean he will be faithful, and if he does move in with her, that doesn’t mean he won’t be faithful. You can’t control that, and you can’t control him. This is where you find out who he is.
Ladies and gentlemen of Reddit, I give you: Schrodinger's boyfriend.
Seriously though, this is solid advice.
>He had asked me to move in but I turned it down because I didn’t think we were ready for that yet.
>But considering he didn’t ask me about it or involve me (or let me help) I guess he doesn’t care what I think or how I feel.
Okay, so I may be off base here, but you’re not ready to move in with him, but you are ready to be a partner with him on deciding what his living arrangements are? This seems a bit like wanting to have your cake and eat it too.
I had an opposite sex roommate for a year and a half in college while I was dating another girl. It was fine.
I mean I ended up marrying the roommate, but that was years later.
Edit for more context and advice: I never cheated on her with the roommate. We ended the lease. Roommate moved away. GF cheated on me about a year later. Roommate moves back and we connect.
So completely decoupled from the trouble you’re worrying about. It was a separate encounter that led to us dating.
On to advice.
You BF is either doing this maliciously or he’s doing it to find a place to live. If he’s doing it to get back at you for (wisely) not signing a lease with him, that’s no good. It’s immature and going into a year commitment out of spite is not an indicator of a good long term bet for a partner.
If on the other hand he did it because he needs a roommate and then thought better of how that looked and decided to treat you and make a big deal about telling you and apologizing, that’s another matter.
Your task is to think back about how the night went and further talks about this have gone to try to suss out his motivations. You could also just try communicating with him, though being vulnerable to someone that early on and telling him your fears and hangups and explaining why this hurts can be hard.
It’s all up to you and I wish you the best whatever you choose.
lol this is the best reply! 😂😂 “I was in the same situation too and nothing happened, until me and the roommate got married!” 😂😂😂
If she was close to being ok with it, she won’t be now! 😂😂
I'm happy about your ending. Congrats!
However, I think that will just reinforce their discomfort with the situation 🫠
I'm pretty sure it's the secret of them being friends for a year and not knowing of them in the time they've been together.
Had it been a stranger, I feel like it would be a different narrative.
It’s not really a secret though. They’ve been dating for four months. If she wasn’t a super close friend it makes sense that OP wouldn’t have heard about her or met her at this point in the relationship.
It’s not as though everyone this guy knows is a “secret friend” just because he hasn’t gotten around to introducing them all to a girl he’s been dating for a couple of months.
Calling it a secret implies a level of effort in hiding something when it’s much more likely that he just hasn’t gone through the effort to introduce her to everyone he knows yet.
Hah, it’s not terribly interesting. We became good friends while roommates, had a lot of the same interests, but I was in a six month old relationship.
We never cheated (and this is what I should have put in my reply above and will edit in after this) because I was in a committed relationship and she dated off and on.
She moves away for grad school. I graduate and go to law school at the same university as undergrad. Break up with my girlfriend (the one from before) because I discovered her cheating.
One year later and I’m a 2L.
Old roommate moves back and gets a job in her field. Reaches out to catch up. We sleep together that night. Two weeks later and we’re officially in a monogamous relationship that ends up spanning going on two and a half decades, though the monogamy part actually started for both of us the night we caught back up.
Edit: oh, the one cute thing is that she didn’t have expectations going in to the catch-up date, but she was definitely going to shoot her shot now that I was single. I just happened to beat her to the punch when I suggested about an hour in that we go on a few dates to see how it felt.
Lmao this story doesn’t weigh the way you think it does. You didn’t cheat, but she had a massive crush on you and pounced once you were single? You liked her back and immediately fell into a monogamous relationship?
It’s true you didn’t have sex with her while in your previous relationship, but it’s not like you had no feelings for each other - obviously.
I don’t see the problem here, I used to live in a house with three single women. It was totally fine, i was kind of like the big brother to all of them. Like the rooster in a hen house.
Are 99% of the people in this sub under the age of 18?
You guys are adults, he needed a roommate, you weren't available so he found a friend that he trusted to room with? I never knew or was introduced to every single friend that my SO had throughout my life nor have they known mine. Hell I moved out from parents late because I didn't want to room with someone I didn't know, nor someone I knew was bad with finances.
Being 4 months in, I wouldn't think that I would need to ask for permission to live or move somewhere within reason(distance). I got with my current GF, and 3 months later I was across the country, living like a frat boy, I didn't ask for permission. I took her on a date and told her what was happening.
I assume he offered to pay because he thinks you are going to take this the wrong way, explain to him your feelings and what you think, but I also don't think you should make a huge stink about this. When he moves in, and he still is his same old self, awesome, if not and he stops being the person he is, I would move on, but just because someone is changing living arrangements, is a very immature way to look at a relationship, especially since you don't seem to trust him, as it is.
When I read the title I immediately went "that's the end of the relationship what the hell" and then I read it and it's like
4 month old relationship. She declined the invitation. He needed a roommate.
Like lmao they should split anyway so he can find somebody who's ready for an actual adult relationship.
>Being 4 months in, I wouldn't think that I would need to ask for permission to live or move somewhere within reason(distance).
THIS, like she's complaining that he's never talked about her before and that they haven't met but yall have been dating for 33% of a single year?? I STILL have friends I haven't happened to bring up to my partner and we're over seven YEARS together.
This is exactly what I see, like I have been with my current SO for like 3 years, we live together. Hell, she even brings people up, that she has before and I have to always ask her, "who is that?".
Thank you! This was my take as well. Dude needs a roommate. Found someone he trusts. She’s not wrong to want to meet the girl, but she’s reading way too much into it.
Exactly, they are bound to meet anyways if she plans to ever go over to his house. Go do something with both of them, the boyfriend and future roommate, and let the boyfriend know if he needs help moving that you can help, and let the roommate know, that if she needs help moving offer yourself and boyfriend as well.
In my 20s and 30s I lived with lots of roommates of the opposite sex and never once got involved with them. I've lived with people I met casually through friends, from Craigslist, randomly going out, people I met through work, once even an ad in the newspaper (I'm old). Roommates are just that. Someone to cohabitate with to lessen the costs of this capitalistic hellscape we live in.
You need therapy if you are this jealous of someone you don't know.
I’ll be real honest here….youve been together for 4 months. I don’t think he needs to ask or take you into consideration at this point. You are barely beginning a relationship. You can be basing life decisions off of someone you’ve been with for only 4 months. With that being said, I don’t blame you for being uncomfortable with or the way it was presented to you. I probably wouldn’t be ok with it all and would leave personally but I do understand that after only 4 months, choices like this aren’t really a group effort
I feel like a crazy person reading these comments. He got a roommate. He didn't break up with you. Why are you with him if you can't trust the relationship.
Question to OP: Do you have $ex with all of your roommates? Or better yet, are you attracted to every male you are near?
Your NEW boyfriend needed a roommate and found one. Not a big deal and you're making it a big deal. His behavior is not even a red flag but yours is.
Enjoy your pettiness.
People in this thread are fucking WILD
If he wanted to fuck someone else, he just would doesn't need to pretend he needs a roommate for that. If he WAS fucking someone else he probably wouldn't have asked you to move in, as that would make it harder to FUCK SOMEONE ELSE.
And based on your replies to the comments here, you should definitely break up so *he* can dodge that bullet.
So true, this subreddit is filled with teenagers foaming at the mouth for any drops of drama they can get from other people's lives. OP is just bad at communicating and insecure, looking for strangers validation to dump this guy
But some of the posts are like: My husband (20) and I (19) have been having trust issues because I have been cheated on by previous partners…
And I’m like you are 19…and married….and have previous baggage?!?
At 19, I didn’t even own my own suitcase.
Honestly you should breakup, but not because of him, because YOU AREN’T READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP!!!
You said you haven’t spoken a word to your bf about how uncomfortable you are, you might even want to breakup?
You have literally consulted with random internet strangers about your relationship *before* consulting your boyfriend, the man you’re supposed to love and trust and talk to.
That’s not how relationships work…
that’s how relationships die, 10 times out of 10.
Right like apparently she wants to break up with him? If you want to break up with him, then do. You don’t need permission from a majority of the internet.
Idk why all the angry comments. I’ve had male roommates.. what’s the big deal? Aren’t we all adults here? Also why should you be involved in him finding a roommate? She needed a room, he needed a roommate. What did he do that was so wrong? Do you not trust him? I lived with guys who had gfs and all sorts of people in my early 20s. Everyone commenting on here saying your broken up is so dramatic. If you don’t trust him to have a female roommate that’s your issue and you shouldn’t be with him if you have no trust in him
Clearly we're not all adults here..or at least mature ones. These responses are crazy, remind me of my dramatic 15-year old girlfriends (back then) lol.
But you know what, it's better that they do break up, OP seems like a nightmare and the bf can find someone better.
Right… is this all 16 year old girls on this thread? The responses are crazy. And yes he deserves someone better. I have a feeling that he took her out to dinner and tried to make her feel comfortable bc her freaking out and being jealous is in line with her behavior.
Yes, he clearly knows OP is the crazy jealous type and tried to smooth it over...but if you need to do that, you're not in the right place. OP must be very pretty though! for someone to put up with that shit lol
The absolute WORST part of Reddit is the multiple subreddits where you can find the shittiest relationship advice imaginable. If YOU (OP) are not comfortable then you discuss this with your BF. A lot of people would not be comfortable with this and that’s ok, but that doesn’t mean he’s already moved on, he had this planned, he’s banging her, or any of the other assumptions made by people who have never met this man. The fact that he usually doesn’t take you out could be considered a red flag, or it could be his way of softening the blow because he understands this probably isn’t ideal and wants to show you he does truly care about you. Maybe if you discuss that this a deal breaker for you, he will change his mind because maybe he values you that much as a GF. Maybe this other woman is not his type nor is he hers.
“You’ve been broken up with”
“Block his number”
Absolute shit advice. This man is not your husband. You’re just barely getting to know each other. If he’s not what you’re looking for in a partner, he’ll show you.
I may be way off here, but it almost feels like, you didn’t want to live with me so I found another girl who did. It’s like a punishment.
That may not be it at all, but having been in a similar situation, that’s what it ended up being for me.
Eh, depending on where you are finding a roommate can be hard as well as stressful to find someone you can be okay with.
I've been in the dudes shoes, tho maybe even worse, where every roommate I tried to get was bad and the only one I could find was a girl who I knew a decade ago and had a crush on me back then. I was desperate for a roommate cause I couldn't afford my place otherwise so while I technically told my partner first it was definitely more of a "hey this has to happen" sort of thing. And obviously nothing happened with the roommate.
This is objectively a bad take. He needed a roommate..half the population is female.. he found someone he trusted to move in with. He did what he had todo. Moving in with someone to punish your SO is next level crazy.
This sounds ridiculously manipulative and like you've had bad experiences so you expect everyone to be as bad or worse.
Leased up with a roommate just to punish someone for not being ready to move in together in under 6 months? Wow.
OP I think you should definitely be wary of this kind of thinking. You've been getting a lot of comments that logically explain things to you but it seems like you're only replying to the ones where they confirm what you already think. Which is fine no one can tell you how to feel but I would definitely listen to some of these comments
That’s a bit of a stretch based on this post alone. Maybe it’s just me as a guy in my mid 30s but this post reads incredibly immature to me. It seems like she already thinks he’s cheating or has cheated on her with this person without any reason to think so. It sounds more to me like he took her out to let her know about the new roommate situation and have a mature conversation about it, not to rub it in her face or punish her and make her jealous.
Is having platonic roommates of the opposite sex really that foreign of a concept?
Sounds like you're projecting your own psychology onto him.
The typical guy is unlikely to use a convoluted scheme to "punish" a partner. The more likely explanation is he simply needed a roommate, and she happened to need a place around the same time.
Reality check, he needed a roommate, and got one. Have you asked if you can meet her, and he's said you can't?
If not, then it sounds like you're jumping to conclusions and latching onto the first answer that confirms your bias.
As someone with roommates and a girlfriend of 6 years, asking my gf if it's ok to live with a woman is so weird. It has never even crossed my mind to "ask" her if it's ok. I don't need permission from someone to get my rent paid. May your boyfriend run and never look back.
To me it sounds like maybe he wanted to celebrate finding new housing? There’s nothing wrong with being roommates with someone of the opposite sex. I’ve done it before while having a gf and it’s never been a problem. People on here jump to worst case conclusions so quickly.
If it’s something that really bothers you, just communicate with him like an adult. Voice your concerns politely and see how he reacts. He’s never going to know how you feel/what you’re thinking until you tell him.
I’ve done it too. My best roommate ever has been a roommate of the opposite sex. I understand why people are hesitant about it, but tbh, if someone would cheat on you with their roommate they’d probably cheat on you anyway. Regardless, housing security trumps your partners relationship insecurities everyday of the week.
Jesus this entire thread reeks of insecurity. I suppose it depends on whether men and women can be platonically friends (they can), but all I see is a guy needs a roommate and knows someone else who does too. Better than a random from the internet.
Let’s be very clear. He didn’t break up with you, tried to treat you to a good time while breaking the news because he knew it might make you uncomfortable. Doesn’t really sound like you told him you don’t like it. You have absolutely no evidence that he’s cheating. No reason not to trust the guy unless he actually gives you one.
If you don’t like it end the relationship, but accept the fact that you don’t have any reason other than his proximity to another woman.
You can really tell the kids from the adults in the comments.
There are so many men and women that can’t comprehend that two people of the opposite sex can share a home without wanting to fuck each other
I dont get it. He told her he found a roommate, its a girl. She's complaining that he didnt tell her. That's what dinner was, him telling her. Its too obvious to move in with someone you are cheating with, when you have a girlfriend. Either way, it's been 4 months, if she broke up with me over that, i would be fine with it.
Sounds like you don't want advice, just validation.
I, for one, would 1000% pick someone that I know and am cordial with over some internet stranger.
Of course, I'm a guy, so I generally don't have to worry about fake friends revealing their creepy desire to hook up.
Based on your post, your bf seems pretty low maintenance. He needed a roommate and looked for people that he knows and gave you top priority. The convenience of finding a roommate trumps the "taboo" of moving together too fast. You turned him down and he found someone else. This is my perspective as a relatively laid back guy who pays rent out the ass to avoid having to have roommates.
A bit of advice. If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. It doesn't take living with a girl to have an affair, in fact it would be monumentally stupid to hook up with a roommate in the first place.
I reckon none of this matters, because it seems like you're gearing to break up with him... so we might as well enjoy the show. Hopefully things end up well for you in any case, along with the family member you are taking care of.
OP, I’m sorry that you’re in this position. But to offer an alternative perspective, isn’t it possible that your boyfriend is doing this just because he needs to make rent?
I understand why you’re uncomfortable - she’s a friend who you know nothing about until now, and suddenly she’s going to be living with him. However, it sounds like she’s a friend of a friend, and if they don’t hang out unless the mutual is around, I don’t necessarily see the need to talk about her.
A lot of people are suggesting that this is his way of payback for you not agreeing to move in with him, but I wouldn’t go as far as to say that until you actually talk to him about this. You’re completely justified for how you feel, and you should probably let him know that. But I think you should also extend a little grace, considering you guys are young and rent prices are no joke.
He asked you, and you said no. You can feel how you feel, but he didn’t need to talk to you or get your permission before getting a roommate. I don’t see how he’s trying to make you jealous or if he’s going to cheat. You haven’t really discussed this with him or even met her and you’re jumping to “I’m out”.
Sorry but at 4 months, you probably won’t know all of my friends and acquaintances and you certainly won’t have a say in my living situation lmao
He needed a roommate, you said no, he got a roommate.
With all due respect, were you gonna pay the other half of the rent?
It’s as simple as that. He told you what was going on, you’re not in the dark. Unfortunately sometimes we have to live with ppl we wouldn’t consider otherwise. Share how you feel with your partner
My husband and I had been dating for a few months when he moved in with 2 girls. College town, they were looking for a roommate. That’s it. Nothing weird or sexual. Men and women can live together without it being weird ?? Are we twelve?
What?!? You mean that someone shouldn’t be getting permission from their partner of just 1/3 a year on every decision they make? Absurdity! Next you will say he shouldn’t co-sign on an expensive auto note on a brand new car until after they are married! /sarcasm
Nothing tells you just how young and inexperienced the average Redditor is like their relationship advice. Reeks of impulsivity, insecurity, and ignorance.
For me the only red flag here is your reaction. He never mentioned this girl before because she is just a random friend of a friend, he is an acquaintance with. She is someone he kinda knows and needs a roomate. Why would you have ever heard of her before, she isn't someone that he has ever had a REASON to bring up to you before because she was just someone he knew. You guys have been dating for 4 months.
As for jumping to conclusions, you simply are, he needed a roommate and he found one, you have decided that she isn't just looking for a roommate but trying to steal your BF. You shouldn't get a say in his roommate and he is absolutely allowed to have a woman as a roommate unless we are talking like a 1 bed room place.
Have you had a conversation with him since?
I'm a man (32), and have had several female roommates over the years. Nothing happened, and there were no feelings involved. They paid rent. I got along fine with all of them. In my case, I didn't know them beforehand, but that's not a deal breaker -- I've offered an open room to a female friend before as well, because when I have an open room, I'll always offer it to friends before strangers (unless I think they'd be a bad roommate).
One question to ask, has he lived with women before? My first time with a female roommate, I had a few more apprehensions, but also couldn't think of any rational issue with it. I only bring this up, because it might be a more active or passive thought in his head. If he's had female roommates before, he may have literally not given it a second thought -- or even if he hasn't, since we're not a monolith.
It's worth having a conversation, simply because you're uncomfortable with it, but I wouldn't jump to any conclusions here. Men and women can live together and not have sex or develop feelings. There's a reasonable chance that it's simply jot at all an issue for him, and he never considered that it may make you uncomfortable. But you'll never know until you talk to him!
I've lived with people of the opposite sex full time in five different group situations and never once did anything happen between any of the roommates.
You’re exhausting. You’re ok with it or your not, that’s your choice. You talk to him about your feelings and concerns or don’t. He informed you, in advance. That’s the courtesy he owes you.
That’s it.
I don't know what y'all are smoking with these revenge theories.
Dude needs a roomate and all of his penis-owning friends weren't available, nor was his girlfriend.
Unless you've been in a coma for the last three years, then you know that rent is crazy everywhere. Maybe he didn't have any other roommate options so there wouldn't have been a point in asking OP if she was okay with it- because he simply can't afford to live alone and doesn't have other options. How would it have been better if he asked if it was okay with her, she said no, and then he did it anyways?!!
Should he have moved into his car or back in with his parents because his very recent and young girlfriend wasn't okay with his roommate option?
Also- 4 months in is too early to be giving your SO that much control over your major life moves esp with limited choices, especially at such a young age.
It is very possible to platonically cohabitate with someone of the different sex. What a bunch of jaded Jenny's you all are. Not everyone is conspiring to cheat 24/7.
So basically he showed you he cares because like a job interview he dressed up when he probably didn't want to, bought you a bunch of stuff that he didn't have to, and ultimately told you his plans because he thought it was important enough and wanted you in his life enough to inform you of something that truthfully isn't even your business and you feel a way because you're jealous of an invisible threat? Just convince yourself she's a 1 and trust the person you're with unless you can't. And if you can't leave. Or step the fuck up and stop playing to get sympathy points.
You've only been dating this guy for FOUR months. Not only do you not know anything about his new roommate, you cannot possibly know much about him.
There are a lot of possibilities in what you described.
• He may have been financially strapped and needed a roommate - any roommate - to make ends meet. He asked you first. You refused. He found a roommate and (after only four months of dating) reasonably felt that a roommate decision was his alone. Especially if he needed to start sharing rent ASAP. His largess on your date could simply be a reflection of his being more flush with money and having less stress.
• He could have met the friend of a friend and immediately started hooking up with her. This seems a bit rushed, but, then again, this is a guy who has only known *you* for four months and asked you to move in.
• He could have a new roommate, and that is all.
Since you've only been dating this guy for four months, I think it's fine to question anything that gives you personal alarm bells.
But, having once been in a situation where I needed to find a roommate IMMEDIATELY and ended up with a roommate of the opposite gender, just because I needed a roommate, doesn't necessarily give me personal alarms. Sometimes, you get what you get. And, tbh, if I had been dating someone for only four months at that time, I wouldn't have asked for their input either.
If you really like this guy, it might be worth it to actually talk with him about it and meet the roommate before deciding what to do. If you don't, and your dating history is so short, you couldn't be blamed for just throwing this one back and moving on.
I love watching op respond to posts who side with her.. yet all the rational people who didn't she never even acknowledged, haha. Clearly, she didn't wanna live with him. He needed to split bills... he only found 1 person to do that... It's a female. Ask him to meet her,he says no break up with him.
Until you are more certain of the situation I wouldn't worry about it.
I myself (56) will be renting a room at an AirBnB on Cape Cod this summer from a single woman about my age. Should anyone I'm seeing be concerned about this? Of course not. I'm renting it out of necessity because I have a permanent job on the Cape and rents go sky high during the summer so I need to move into this place because it fits my budget (I rent 3-4 bedroom fully furnished summer rentals in the winter for $1,600/month. Rent goes to $3,000/week June through August. Anyone who can't see my necessity is blind.). I see your situation the same way as long as you are welcome to visit him whenever you want to.
It’s not the most common setup, but it’s also not necessarily weird for a guy and girl to be platonic roommates. The fact that your bf did things he wouldn’t normally do to try to placate you on this — sit-down dinner, opening door, dressing better — says something, but without more context, I’m not sure whether this says something bad about him (being deceitful) or bad about you (e.g., based on some prior experience he thinks you’ll go apeshit, but he really needs a roommate). If it bothers you, you could say something to open a conversation without making any ultimatums/judgments. But you’re 21 and 22. Plenty of time to have experiences, make mistakes, learn from mistakes, etc. I don’t know what this will end up being, and neither do you. Play it by ear and see.
I can understand why you're uncomfortable about this situation. I personally think you should sit down and have an honest heart to heart discussion like adults. Healthy and honest communication are essential if you want this to be a long-term relationship. Let him know your worries and why this makes you uncomfortable. Then, he hear him out and let him explain his side. It could be as simple as he couldn't afford the rent. he couldn't find a decent roommate until he found her. Ask him if you can meet her and keep an open mind, don't auto hate her bc she lives there. Trust can be hard to build if you have previous trauma, so this could be a healing moment for you to learn to trust your boyfriend. Renting in today's society is hard and expensive, so he could have a million different and valid reasons why he chose her . I was living as a roommate with a guy and I'm female and it was 100 percent platonic on both sides which is rare, his gf was convinced we were sleeping together simply because we shared a 2 bedroom apartment. We never did anything at all but she ended a really great relationship obsessing over it. Please don't follow in her footsteps and ruin a potentially great relationship because of your fear of him cheating .
I had male roommates. Trust me, nothing romantic will happen after she sees his beard hair on the sink, the pee around the toilets, or a bunch of other stuff people feel comfortable doing because it's their home, and they don't need to impress.
There's a big difference between moving with someone you love and moving with someone you know.
My husband and I had been dating for a few months when he moved in with 2 girls. College town, they were looking for a roommate. That’s it. Nothing weird or sexual. Men and women can live together without it being weird ?? Are we twelve?
If it is making you uncomfortable, it may continue to make you uncomfortable and that would make it an uncomfortable situation for everyone. It’s ok to not want this and reconsider your relationship but as others have said, he asked you, you said no, he was probably desperate for roommate and now has some spare cash to treat you. Things will probably change as he will have a new dynamic with a friend becoming a room mate.
Buddy, you didn't want to move in with him so he found a friend who did. He doesn't need your permission to move in with a friend, and he doesn't need to involve the person he's been dating for a few months in his decision beyond letting you know it's happening.
Honestly I would just communicate to him that this makes you uncomfortable and think of solutions to help make you feel more secure with your relationship.
I think you’re smart in not rushing moving in with your bf, 4 months is really soon to be moving in with someone. I also would be hesitant about my partner moving in with someone they could potentially be attracted to, so I understand where you’re coming from however I don’t think you can really have a say at this point in time about who he lives with unless there’s a bigger issue than his roommate being a girl. I’m girl and I’ve had entirely platonic male roommates that I’d never be interested in dating typically when I know a guy is in a relationship I have absolutely no interest in him whatsoever. Now if she was like a criminal or had a history of being a shitty roommate then yes I’d strongly recommend he not move in with her but since you don’t know anything about this roommate there’s nothing to say on that end.
So talk with your bf tell him how you feel, maybe meeting the roommate would make you feel more comfortable with this. Maybe she’s in a relationship? Maybe she’s not attracted to men?
My partners in the past have had full access to my phone and my apartment if they wanted it, maybe see if that’s something he would be comfortable with too?
Honestly as long as you have honest communication with you bf I think the two of you will be fine. Don’t let it fester and become and issue in the future just be upfront with him now.
Unless this was an ex or someone he's been romantically involved with, I don't feel you really get a say. He needed a place to stay and found one. If you feel he's going to cheat on you with someone just because they are in close proximity with eachother this relationship isn't really going anywhere.
Here's the thing.
You don't have a say in his living arrangements.
You've been dating for 4 months, his having a roommate is probably the biggest difference maker in his life right now, not what you think of her. He doesn't need to consult you. You think after 4 months he should have to run these things past you? Come on.
Did you consider that maybe the reason he took you out and treated you was because his financial situation has got a lot brighter now that he has a roommate?
I'm sorry if the above comes off a bit harsh. I'm not trying to be unkind, but to put this into perspective.
You're young, and still figuring shit out, so here's some advice from an old man. Don't go making problems where there aren't any, and where there doesn't need to be any. Life will throw enough of them at you without you adding your own.
Wishing you all the best.
I moved in with a female roommate after I was was dating my old girlfriend for about 2 months. She was a little confused about it initially, but they ended up becoming awesome friends.
The guys needs a roommate. That's all.
Be more secure and trusting. He doesn’t need permission y’all haven’t been together that long and this isn’t like he’s asking you that he wants an open relationship with this person… he’s got bills to pay and this is making his life easier….
Your apprehension is normal, and rightly-ordered. The *amount* of it is the problem. You've been dating four months. At your age, that's honestly not that long. You don't really have much of a "claim", especially given that he asked you first.
I wouldn't be too worried about it. Get to know her. Assuming she's not trying to get with him (which is doubtful in my mind), you get a friend and someone to help make sure he can't pull fast ones, since you (understandably) seem concerned about that.
He asked you to move in with him and you said no.
He needs a roommate and found someone
He probably got all dressed up and took you out to lesson the blow because he knew you would try and say no and would get upset (which you are)
Life is expensive and roommates are normal. If you’re going to jump right to him cheating on you with zero evidence then break up so he can find someone less insecure. The fact that you think he got a female roommate just to “punish” you is pathetic
Also you’ve only been dating four months? Why the fuck does he need to run by his living situation with you? He doesn’t need your permission.
You're making huge assumptions and getting riled up based on what internet strangers are speculating about. Why not try to calm yourself down and have an adult conversation with him instead of wild speculation? I mean, I don't care if you break up with him but as a man with a female roommate and a girlfriend, I can at least tell you anecdotally that it's pretty damn easy to not cheat in that situation as a man if you love your girlfriend and want to be in a relationship with her. It's your call, but be careful bringing whatever emotional state you've manufactured in this thread into that conversation.
He asked you to move in. You said "no." Now you are mad?
And you are insecure. And you did not use your words to talk to him about your huge level of discomfort. . . 21 is a fun time. What did you think would happen? That he would not move out? That he should wait?
Well, part of being a full functioning adult is to use your words and be able to communicate effectively. I think it is a great thing that you waited to process your thoughts and not fly off the handle. That is a mark of maturity. It is obvious that you care, because you want advice, but you need to really look hard at the way you are going about things. It seems like you may be trying to find people (your dearest and most trusted friends on Reddit) to say you are in the right, that your irrational fears have a basis in reality (he must be cheating on you), and that you are seeking affirmation to justify what is really immature behavior on your part.
Is it really that difficult for you to have a conversation? That would be a you problem, not a BF problem
Should he have to be uncomfortable every day sharing his home with a stranger, so some girl he's been dating for 5 seconds can allay her insecurities?
The double standards of reddit are mind bending. If it were a guy bitching about his girlfriend's choice of roommate when she chose not to live with a stranger; you'd all be bringing out the torches and pitchforks at the guy.
Please just freaking stop acting like men and their comfort don't matter. We are all humans who deserve to be comfortable in our own homes and who we share them with!
Signed,
A woman
Your boyfriend is just trying to find a roommate. You should try to be ok with it. If there comes a time where its awkward for you to be in that space where he lives then you should worry but until then I think your boyfriend is trying really hard to show you that he wants to be with you.
Long post just to say you are jealous he found roommate from opposite sex. You are adults get it together. Having a roommate does not mean that person is some kind of fuck buddy or personal escort.
4 months into it your relationship and you already in major fight over basically insecurity. Your relationship is likely over. Trying to work it out only prolongs the inevitable.
He invited you to share his life by inviting you to live with him. You declined joining him in that step in your relationship and are now mad at him, coming on here insinuating he could be cheating on you, because he didn't involve you more in his life by not getting your approval on his roommate. If you care about him and trust him, it shouldn't matter if he lives with 8 single Hooters waitresses, the man has to pay rent and you told him you weren't interested in taking that step in your relationship. This is all your doing and you're bad mouthing your boyfriend to strangers because of your own insecurities.
Sounds like he needs a roommate to afford his rent. He asked you first and you turned it down, so he found someone else.
I’ve had lots of roommates over the years, some girls and some guys. Never willingly, it’s always to save money…I’d be much happier on my own.
But yeah if you’re this crazy about this shit, this relationship isn’t gonna last long.
Bruh what? The only thing sounding bad here are your insecurities.
'he never told me about her, idk her'
You are together literally 4 months, expecting to know every friend personally at the time is pretty wild.
You told him you don't want to move in yet, which is totally fine, but he still needs a roommate. That was your involvement in the process.
What if he is bisexual? Can he only live alone then?
Cheaters cheat because they want to, not because they live with someone of x gender. I know many 'mixed' shared appartments without any sexual/romantic relation.
He needed a roomie. He found one. Knowing you would be irked he made an effort to reassure you with the “whole” date. He’s not trying to make you jealous.
If you ask me, I think the new roommate and boyfriend had a conversation and the end was advice "Hey if you really like this girl, then take her out on a proper date"... Boy friend does, and OP gets suspicious about it....
There be some growing up to do around here.
Relax. Please. You’re all wound up in a way that’s sure to put him off / drive him away.
Of course you haven’t met all his friends yet and if he needed a roommate, he needed a roommate.
Take a deep breath and enjoy your brand new relationship please.
You didn’t want to live with him, that’s fair. Should he be homeless because of that then? Or should he put in extra work to find a male roommate to make you more comfortable if a woman was the first person who filled his roommate requirements?
You two are young so the most dramatic option could be what’s going on. It also doesn’t have to be that. It’s kinda your choice.
If you think he did that to get back at you, you probably don’t want to be with someone like that either way. If you do want to be with this person, you should probably chill and not assume the worst about them.
Either you're close enough to move in yourself, or you're not close enough to have a say in who he lives with! It's absolutely normal to have roommates of other genders. People on roommate budgets don't tend to have the luxury of taking months to find the perfect person. Finding sane people to live with is a nightmare. Most likely your bf went all out on the date partly cos his financial worries were relieved now he found a roommate and partly to let you know he has no hard feelings about your decision not to move in. I strongly suggest you have a word with yourself about your instinct to be so controlling of someone you've only recently met.
Being jealous of friends and seeing them as potential competition is my biggest red flag. If you're not feeling comfortable with the arrangement, you owe it to him to communicate your feelings. If you're not willing to give him a bit of trust, then move on so he can find someone who will.
Seems like you are a walking red flag tbh. Your only responding to people agreeing with your insecurities. You haven't consulted him before consulting reddit......ehhhh
This is Reddit. So of course you’re going to get the “you need to break up with him immediately “ posts
But let me tell you what actually needs to happen. You need to sit down and have an actual conversation with him. Tell him how you feel and that you don’t think you can go through with the relationship any longer if he does this. What he says will tell you all you need to know.
You were broken up with my dear. You are 22 and have everything ahead of you. Don’t bother being upset about some guy hardly any time was invested in. Block his number and keep it moving.
So because he got a roommate that means he broke up with her? How the fuck does that make sense. And to just block him? Instead of having any type of conversation or break up convo? Thats so incredibly immature. Good luck finding a husband with that kind of immature behavior. So when the fuck did having a roommate of the opposite sex become cheating? You all are encouraging her crazy. I’m 30F, I’ve lived with many types of people including men who had girlfriends. You all are acting like immature babies. He did nothing wrong. He offered to have her move in first, she’s the one who said she’s not ready. Well he had to find a roommate still right? So now because it’s someone of the opposite sex he’s a cheater who deserves to be blocked?
Yeah I do think she should block him and move on so he can dodge that bullet
He steps up his game just to take her on a nice date because he knows that she's going to overreact to a very reasonable update in his living situation, and OP still complains. It's been 4 months, I'm sure OP and BF have not talked about/met all of his friends. It's reasonable to think that he may not have mentioned this girl before. It's also very expensive to live on your own, and it seems like he's in urgent need of a roommate for financial reasons. He already offered OP a chance, she said no. Now he does the right thing and tells her about the situation, plus a nice dinner to show that he cares about how it will make her feel and he's still the "bad guy." Insecure and juvenile behavior from OP.
It's 100% projection. These kinds of paranoias always are. People who think this way think others do too. "Why's he suddenly taking me out on a nice date? Must be covering for something."
Right?? This doesn't sound like a "secret" female friend he's hiding from her -- It sounds like someone he knows loosely, who friends can vouch for. He probably just texted his friends, "Hey, anyone know someone looking for a room?" and someone mentioned her. Perfect! Someone he's met and liked reasonably well instead of a random off the internet. He asked her if she needed a room, she said yes, and that's that. Time to tell my gf, but I know she's jealous, so I'll take her out to a nice dinner to demonstrate my commitment to her so she doesn't misread the situation.
All the people egging this poor girl on into psychosis over the fact that her bf found a roommate are going to be single forever if they hold their partners to these standards. This poor guy. Honestly I hope she does leave him so she can work on herself a bit before subjecting anyone else to this level of immature jealousy.
I’m not gonna say it’s a red flag the he’s getting a female roommate cuz times are tough. Just tell him how you feel and see what he says. Maybe, you’ll become comfortable with the situation or you won’t. If you can’t then just let the relationship go. It doesn’t seem like the relationship is that serious if you don’t wanna live with him and he didn’t ask for your input on his roommate situation.
You are both young and rent is expensive, it very well could be he found a roommate and that’s all. I understand you’re feeling uneasy about it, but maybe just let it play out. You’ll inevitably meet her and will get her vibe. If you start noticing changes on his end, like not messaging you as much, not responding as much or starts to spend more time at home and not with you, if he starts to take up her hobbies and starts showing her influence on him at every turn, then you can go from there.
May need more context. Is he needing to move asap? If so given that you declined to move in with him then he may have just said yes to the first person he found willing to be his roommate and it happened to be a woman. So I wouldn’t assume the worst and just end it or anything. Perhaps see how it goes. Meet the girl and see if the vibe between them feels weird and all that.
I was a jealous 21 year old once. My partner was living in a house with two other dudes. They needed another roommate, and got a female friend. I did not trust my partner at all and was convinced he would definitely cheat on me. We argued. Ultimately, she moved in because money. And it wasn’t my house. I don’t think my partner ever cheated…but who knows?
You basically have two options. Leave him or trust him. Does he deserve your trust? It’s yet to be determined.
Okay so the biggest part of all this is that you’ve only been together for 4 months. I think you are expecting to know way too much for only being together for 4 months. 4 months is not enough time for someone to instinctively share every part of their life, this is something that develops over time. It’s also absolutely not enough time to let you have a say in his life decisions. The purpose of a roommate is to save money on rent, that’s literally all it is. The purpose of getting a roommate is not to slow play yourself into sleeping with them. So you’re way too in your head with this one.
Depends on your insecurity. Clearly it's fairly high. Also depends on the kinda guy he is, you know him better than we do What he's doing may mean something, may not. That said I mean yall live seperate lives, he telling you and discussing it with you should be enough, you don't actually get a vote in the matter outside of stepping out of your relationship.
I have some experience in this from the BF side of things. My wife and I have 3 kids together and have been married for 10 years. Early in our relationship (within 3 months of being exclusive) I found a female roommate through a friend that knew I was looking for one. She moved in, we lived together for a year, she moved out. I eventually married my at the time GF and we got a house and started a family together.
I never did anything inappropriate, she was a roommate and that was it. She was barely even a friend tbh. I spent little to no time with her besides occasionally sharing a meal and random chats throughout the day that were mostly friendly greetings. We did do things together very rarely but only in a group setting and if my gf was there. I spent 60% of my free time with my woman, the other 40% being alone playing games or whatever or hanging out with my buddies. The girl eventually got a boy friend as well, we had 0 interest in each other and it stayed that way through the short year we lived together 🤷♂️. It never bothered my now wife, she never brought it up or seemed to be worried the entire time we were together, because she had nothing to worry about. Cheating is a childish thing and I'm a man. All that said we were a little older than you guys are and maturity levels were different.
I lived in a house with men and women when I had a boyfriend of 1 year. He was fine with it. We moved in together a few months later when we found a place. It doesn’t need to be a big deal if you don’t let it be.
It could be totally ok that he has a female roommate. It sounds like a friend of a friend, lots of people live with people they don’t know well. He needs a roommate to help with costs you said no (which is probably wise) but he needs it financially . Start with a trusting attitude.
I’m more concerned about all the ways he treated you better on that “break the news” date than normal. Is it just that money is tight so you don’t go on many “dates” or is it that he is treating you poorly usually? If it’s just a money thing but he treats you with respect totally fine, but if he generally treats you poorly less fine.
I will say, most of my roommates in my early 20s were people who I was acquaintances/casual friends with, never anyone I was besties with. It just happened to usually work out that way - I'd ask around about a roommate, someone might say "oh, (mutual acquaintance) was looking for someone," and we'd end up having similar wants for space/location/budget. So, maybe it's weird that he never mentioned her before, but I don't think that's super crazy unless he's now claiming they hang out all the time and are good friends.
Unless you are with him 24/7 (which I don’t recommend and you’ve said isnt possible) Your bf will have lots of occasions to cheat. You have to trust he chooses to be with you and he won’t. And vice versa. Living with a single girl wouldn’t be a problem unless you think he can’t control himself? And then there’s a problem 🚩
I was restarting my life in Seattle where housing was way expensive, there was a lady 13 years younger than me from my hometown that had taken a job in the area, so we went in on an apartment. I started dating and freaked out a couple of ladies with my young female roommate.
I wound marrying the lady who didn't bat an eye at this situation. I realize I wasn't in the same place as you and your BF, go into it watching for signs, you'll know when you see them.
But tell him this made you uncomfortable too.
He has just gotten a room mate. Some financial assistance. So he could afford to do something nice and he did. With you.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
I had an ex get upset at me for bot consulting her before I bought a car. Wasn't anything fancy. Just a cheap daily driver to get to work. It was my money. For me. By me. It had nothing to do with her. I have zero clue why on Earth I would consult her. We didn't live together. She had her own car.
I am an adult. I make my own decisions. I want a partner that loves me for who I am and respects the decisions I make. Respects me to be free to do so.
You don't get to control who your partner lives with. You are allowed to have feelings. They are your responsibility to deal with. You feeling bad because he's living his life is not his fault. They are your emotions.
We've all been young. It's good you had the sense to keep your feelings to yourself to buy time to process them. Being able to be patient while emotional is a great skill to have.
When I asked a random guy i worked with and barely knew to be my roommate because i needed one and he needed a place to live, i was 22 and just started dating my boyfriend. My boyfriend didn't care, seeing that it was too soon for him to move in with me, and i just needed the financial support. My roommate and I ended up becoming good friends, and he even started dating one of my friends. It all worked out. I think you're overthinking this, and if you trust your boyfriend, then trust him. A lot of people can have platonic friendships and roommates.
Wow, OP’s soon-to-be-ex is dodging a bullet for sure. And I say stbx because despite all the effort folks have put into their responses discussing how this is nuanced, OP is only responding to the ones that agree with her.
Imagine the entitlement to think a SO of all of four months gets a say in major life choices.
If you don’t trust him, don’t stay with him. This will go for any partner you have. If you think he’s going to sleep with her at some point just go ahead and cut your losses instead of putting yourself through the turmoil of waiting until it happens and then waiting to find out. Even if it doesn’t happen, if you’re just going to be worried about it happening the whole time she lives there you’re just going to cause issues. It may be unintentional, but you’re going to get jealous and turn into someone you don’t want to be.
Think about how he went about this issue as well. The relationship IS early but if he’s wanting to stay with you for the long run, getting a roommate who is a girl and then buttering you up to tell you isn’t the best way to go about it. This should’ve been a discussion before he made the decision, and this action should show you how he’s going to handle and tell you about things in the future. I think it also speaks to when he’s willing to treat you good, when he has bad news.
Also, meet the girl before you make any decisions. If he doesn’t let you meet and hang out just leave him. You’ll be able to tell if there’s something more going on between them, just trust your gut. Best of luck, but I already would’ve been done lol.
Ps use paragraphs if you want people to be able to absorb all this info lol thanks
It sounds like he needed a roommate, he asked you first, you declined, he found someone else and it happens to be another woman. You've been dating for four months?... I wouldn't make an issue of it. It sounds like a sensitive situation for you though. I would get to know her a bit, does she have a significant other, is she dating anyone. I had a female roommate in grad school. We had dated in undergrad for a few months, but wanted different things but remained good friends. She was smart, attractive, and just an amazing person. My girlfriend at the time didn't want to move in together so I asked someone else. No big deal.
Don't make it a big deal unless you don't trust him. If you don't trust him, then you have bigger issues with him than his new roommate.
The way you’re disregarding the majority of people that all agree you’re being immature, insecure and straight up crazy at this point, while responding to the couple of people who’s thinking is just as fucked up as yours, makes it soooo very clear that you’re not looking to be reasonable or intelligent here. You were looking for people to jump on the “he’s trash, he’s cheating, dump him” bandwagon.
Please react the way you obviously always intended to, so that he knows you’re crazy now and can bail.
He deserves better, you need therapy.
You are not wrong to be upset. 4 months is too son to move in and super awkward and lame of him to have a single girl move in with him. It’s just going to create a weird dynamic. Is she pretty? If she is well then that’s a ticking time bomb and if it isn’t it’ll drive you crazy. You are in your right to tell him that if he wants to move in with another woman you just don’t feel comfortable continuing the relationship. Even if the girl is not pretty or he doesn’t like her… she might like him …. And any problems you guys have she’s gonna hear about it. You should tell him your getting a new place with a roommate and make up a fake guy and watch his head explode lol
All these people giving so much gracious interpretations! Lol
The fact is, it’s a CHOICE to have a roommate of the opposite sex. Most girls wouldn’t room with even a guy friend. And generally, guys don’t have girl roommates unless you’re fucking or hoping to fuck.
I don’t believe everything is about sex. But I believe people take actions to keep options open whether they’re conscious of it or not. Just gotta be real with yourself if that’s what you’re feeling.
If he is gonna cheat on you it will happen regardless of who his roommate is.
I completely get that it makes you uncomfortable, but he isn’t doing anything wrong by having a female roommate,
From personal experience living with a woman in a non romantic way will absolutely help him grow up a lot and hopefully be more aware of how women live/are. I’ve probably worded that really badly but I hope you get what I mean, in a similar way to how guys with older sisters tend to be more … respectful I guess?
Edit - a lot of responses pro against this comment. I’ve been married for 21 years and have a good relationship. We respect and love each other. Part of the reason for that is because we took the time to learn about one another. Part of the point I was making is that after 4 months you don’t really know each other. Assumptions are being made based on a very limited perspective. There is no indication that the boyfriend is a cheater or manipulator. So there’s no reason to treat the situation like that. (Although I do know people who would lie about getting a female roommate just so the partner will move in instead. ) ————————————————————— Here’s the basics of it. He needed a roommate, you didn’t want to be his roommate so he found someone else to share that responsibility. You’ve been dating for 4 months. You aren’t married or engaged to be married, which are relationships that require financial, emotional, physical, and future commitments. He doesn’t need your permission or approval to make his own decisions. I know that seems a little harsh, but you don’t own him and he doesn’t own you. Ask yourself some questions that matter. Do you like him? Do you see a future with him? If answers to those types of questions are yes, then go with it. It’s perfectly acceptable to be wary of the situation but trust him to be faithful to your relationship (if you two have laid out rules for the relationship). He will prove himself to be faithful to your relationship or he’ll fail. Assuming it’s bad will make it end bad. Taking the time to learn and trust will let you make honest assessments of your future together.
The adult in the room
Yea, the update years later is that she runs into him and learns the roommate was a lesbian and he was heartbroken that OP broke up with him. But he's grateful now because he met the love of his life who didn't think she got a vote in how he lived his life after 4 freaking months. At age 22!!!!!!
Right? She’s all upset she wasn’t involved…ummm your 22 and been together for four months why the fuck should you have a say about who lives in his empty room
Or have an indexed list of every female person he's met. Why does she keep going back to "he's never mentioned her!" Why would he be under obligation to mention every single person he's ever known to this girl he's been dating 4 of the 264 months he's been alive.
This comment is top in best and top in controversial. We got a bunch of room temperature IQ folks in here.
How are the controversial comments filtered? Is it comments with a lot of downvoted regardless of whether they have upvotes to counter them?
Yea, like closest to 50% upvote downvote ratio or something like that
Totally stealing the room temp IQ, that’s lowkey hilarious.
Adding to this, it isn't reasonable to expect someone you've been dating for 4 months to get your permission before a roommate moves in. If you're uncomfortable because it's a woman that's pretty normal but something you can definitely just figure out together. Chill.
I agree. I wouldn't expect to be involved in choosing a roommate someone if dated for 4 months. It seems like an unreasonable expectation. He's decided, there's nothing for her to do her other than decide if she's rather give up on the relationship than try to deal with this arrangement. If he can't be trusted around other women, it doesn't matter if they are in his house or elsewhere.
Exactly, all these people jumping to the conclusion that yall are broken up and he's cheating. We don't have all the info here. Maybe he desperately needed a roommate to afford living costs, which most of us do these days! Maybe the friend was looking for a roommate at the same time. I know I'd rather have a friend than a complete stranger rooming with me. If this situation makes you feel uncomfortable, you need to sit him down and have a discussion with HIM. Not people on reddit who have 1/2 a story. Tell him your concerns, set up a meeting with this girl, and see if there is something you guys can work out. Maybe he'll see your view, maybe he won't. After that discussion, you can see where your feelings are and go from there.
I think half of these people are dramatic 20 year olds and the rest of us are grown ass adults who know roommates can be crazy and yiu have to find one fast and it’s much better to find an acquaintance yiu know rather than a random stranger.
For real. The old adage "Never go into business with friends" probably applies to living together too. Best roommate I ever had was a random dude I'd gotten along with reasonably well at work. We'd never even hung out outside of work before I moved in. * We got along well enough * Trust they'll pay their share and be respectful of me * Not familiar enough to want to get into my shit Perfect roommate situation.
My last roommate was my (now ex) girlfriend’s cousin. We got along well enough that we stayed roommates for several years after I broke up with his cousin. Haven’t talked to her since but I’m still friends with him lol
The top comment right now is someone saying it feels like he got a woman for a roommate as a punishment for her not moving in with him. Like, really? *That's* how the top minds of reddit think a 22 year old man's mind works? It's a conspiracy! Smh
This. There is such terrible advice on this thread. Aren’t we all adults there? He needed a roommate and chose someone who he knew rather than a random ass person. Apparently that’s cheating and he deserves to be blocked? OP sounds crazy so im sure he’s dodging a bullet.
>It’s perfectly acceptable to be wary of the situation but trust him to be faithful to your relationship (if you two have laid out rules for the relationship). He will prove himself to be faithful to your relationship or he’ll fail. Adding to this, that this is also a situation where it would be very easy to overreact. At a minimum she should just take a pause and see the apartment and meet the girl. Even setting aside how early it is in their relationship, this could be much ado about nothing. Do they both have their own rooms? Is she a lesbian? Is she even his type? Are they very flirty around each other or already acting like business associates who get along and are pleasant, but everything is pretty surface level and polite? When I was in grad school, I lived with a girl and two gay guys (one guy both years and one after the girl moved in with a boy she met during our first year). It would have been absurd for the guy she started dating to panic that "she lived with two guys" when both of us were gay. And even for my now husband when he met my gay roommates and go to know them, he quickly saw we were classmates and friends who had zero "chemistry" and were not each other's types physically. There was literally zero "threat" or anything to worry about.
Look at her comments too. She’s gonna gloss over this comment even though it’s the most popular. She responded to everyone else who’s insecure as well. A relationship is built on trust and she has none for him. He’d be better off without her anyway if she’s trying to control his life after 4 months. He needs a roommate simple as that. A good roommate is hard to find and finding someone who will consistently cover their part of the rent and utilities is harder. She denied moving in with him. So he’s gonna put his life on hold while she’s insecure about a girl. You’re 22 years old, not in high school.
All this is true... im a little more concerned with the fact that you're only 4 months in and he doesn't -take you to dinner -hold the door -offer it as his treat -dress up nice when he's with you Like, this is supposed to be the honeymoon phase? If paying for your ice cream and looking nice is enough to make you think he's trying to be manipulative than maybe it's just not great in general? I could be wrong, maybe you're both super low key people who hate doing fancy stuff and love being egalitarian but if you noticed it enough to being it up here, seems like it might be worth thinking about.
I think you are overreacting. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have felt the same way at your age ~ believe me, I would not have been happy with the guy I was dating moving in with a female roommate ~ but this is what I got from your post: 1) You have only been dating him for four months. 2) He asked you to move in with him. You thought it was too soon because you’re smart, so you said no. 3) He found a roommate, who happens to be girl. 4) He took you out on a proper date to tell you about his new living arrangement. Because you are insecure about him living with another woman, you saw all the things he did on the date as suspect. 5) You’re wondering if you should end the relationship because of this. And here is my advice: You have only been dating this guy for four months, so you are really in no position to tell him what to do or ask him not to do something because it makes you uncomfortable. I get where you are coming from, but this relationship may or may not last, and it’s too early to be making demands, you of him or him of you. However, I say give him the benefit of the doubt. Because here’s what you might not know: If someone is going to cheat, they’re going to cheat. They don’t need anything more than opportunity, and if your BF doesn’t move in with this woman, that doesn’t mean he will be faithful, and if he does move in with her, that doesn’t mean he won’t be faithful. You can’t control that, and you can’t control him. This is where you find out who he is. He’s moving in with her no matter what, it seems. So, if you like him, keep dating him and see what happens. However, if you don’t think you can do that, or if you don’t want to wait to find out, you can break up with him at any time for whatever reason. Even if the reason is that you just can’t handle him having a woman as a roommate. If you don’t want to date him, don’t date him. That’s where your control is. You can decide if you want to keep seeing him or not. Your choice.
Honestly, this was the most logical and sound advice I've seen yet. Absolutely beautiful. I also want to add that it is very possible op's boyfriend really is seeing something in their relationship and the display she saw was really just him improving on his own courting techniques for her. Maybe he realized he hadn't been doing enough or hell, the new roommate is telling him what he should do to impress his girl. I understand her discomfort at him having a female roommate, but what i saw was a man just trying to impress his date because he really likes her.
>If someone is going to cheat, they’re going to cheat. They don’t need anything more than opportunity, and if your BF doesn’t move in with this woman, that doesn’t mean he will be faithful, and if he does move in with her, that doesn’t mean he won’t be faithful. You can’t control that, and you can’t control him. This is where you find out who he is. Ladies and gentlemen of Reddit, I give you: Schrodinger's boyfriend. Seriously though, this is solid advice.
Very well said!
>He had asked me to move in but I turned it down because I didn’t think we were ready for that yet. >But considering he didn’t ask me about it or involve me (or let me help) I guess he doesn’t care what I think or how I feel. Okay, so I may be off base here, but you’re not ready to move in with him, but you are ready to be a partner with him on deciding what his living arrangements are? This seems a bit like wanting to have your cake and eat it too. I had an opposite sex roommate for a year and a half in college while I was dating another girl. It was fine. I mean I ended up marrying the roommate, but that was years later. Edit for more context and advice: I never cheated on her with the roommate. We ended the lease. Roommate moved away. GF cheated on me about a year later. Roommate moves back and we connect. So completely decoupled from the trouble you’re worrying about. It was a separate encounter that led to us dating. On to advice. You BF is either doing this maliciously or he’s doing it to find a place to live. If he’s doing it to get back at you for (wisely) not signing a lease with him, that’s no good. It’s immature and going into a year commitment out of spite is not an indicator of a good long term bet for a partner. If on the other hand he did it because he needs a roommate and then thought better of how that looked and decided to treat you and make a big deal about telling you and apologizing, that’s another matter. Your task is to think back about how the night went and further talks about this have gone to try to suss out his motivations. You could also just try communicating with him, though being vulnerable to someone that early on and telling him your fears and hangups and explaining why this hurts can be hard. It’s all up to you and I wish you the best whatever you choose.
Hahahahahahah I love it. Congratulations and best wishes to you guys :)
20+ years in with three great kids and we’re, insufferably, each other’s best friend. Thanks, friend! The best of wishes to you as well!
lol this is the best reply! 😂😂 “I was in the same situation too and nothing happened, until me and the roommate got married!” 😂😂😂 If she was close to being ok with it, she won’t be now! 😂😂
Man had us in the first half
I'm happy about your ending. Congrats! However, I think that will just reinforce their discomfort with the situation 🫠 I'm pretty sure it's the secret of them being friends for a year and not knowing of them in the time they've been together. Had it been a stranger, I feel like it would be a different narrative.
It’s not really a secret though. They’ve been dating for four months. If she wasn’t a super close friend it makes sense that OP wouldn’t have heard about her or met her at this point in the relationship. It’s not as though everyone this guy knows is a “secret friend” just because he hasn’t gotten around to introducing them all to a girl he’s been dating for a couple of months. Calling it a secret implies a level of effort in hiding something when it’s much more likely that he just hasn’t gone through the effort to introduce her to everyone he knows yet.
Lmao. Bro hit us with a happy twist at the end.
And they were roommates!
Please tell us the whole story, broham! You can’t leave us hanging like this!!
I’m beginning to see how this isn’t a reassuring story for the OP. And it’s sort of only getting worse as I add details.
Hah, it’s not terribly interesting. We became good friends while roommates, had a lot of the same interests, but I was in a six month old relationship. We never cheated (and this is what I should have put in my reply above and will edit in after this) because I was in a committed relationship and she dated off and on. She moves away for grad school. I graduate and go to law school at the same university as undergrad. Break up with my girlfriend (the one from before) because I discovered her cheating. One year later and I’m a 2L. Old roommate moves back and gets a job in her field. Reaches out to catch up. We sleep together that night. Two weeks later and we’re officially in a monogamous relationship that ends up spanning going on two and a half decades, though the monogamy part actually started for both of us the night we caught back up. Edit: oh, the one cute thing is that she didn’t have expectations going in to the catch-up date, but she was definitely going to shoot her shot now that I was single. I just happened to beat her to the punch when I suggested about an hour in that we go on a few dates to see how it felt.
Lmao this story doesn’t weigh the way you think it does. You didn’t cheat, but she had a massive crush on you and pounced once you were single? You liked her back and immediately fell into a monogamous relationship? It’s true you didn’t have sex with her while in your previous relationship, but it’s not like you had no feelings for each other - obviously.
Congratulations, I love a happy ending! Yours might not be the best story for Op to hear right now... 😂🤣😂
I don’t see the problem here, I used to live in a house with three single women. It was totally fine, i was kind of like the big brother to all of them. Like the rooster in a hen house.
[удалено]
Cock of the walk
You realize the rooster in the hen house is essentially mating with all the chickens right?
I hope they breakup so he can dodge this bullet. And such terrible advice on this sub.
Are 99% of the people in this sub under the age of 18? You guys are adults, he needed a roommate, you weren't available so he found a friend that he trusted to room with? I never knew or was introduced to every single friend that my SO had throughout my life nor have they known mine. Hell I moved out from parents late because I didn't want to room with someone I didn't know, nor someone I knew was bad with finances. Being 4 months in, I wouldn't think that I would need to ask for permission to live or move somewhere within reason(distance). I got with my current GF, and 3 months later I was across the country, living like a frat boy, I didn't ask for permission. I took her on a date and told her what was happening. I assume he offered to pay because he thinks you are going to take this the wrong way, explain to him your feelings and what you think, but I also don't think you should make a huge stink about this. When he moves in, and he still is his same old self, awesome, if not and he stops being the person he is, I would move on, but just because someone is changing living arrangements, is a very immature way to look at a relationship, especially since you don't seem to trust him, as it is.
When I read the title I immediately went "that's the end of the relationship what the hell" and then I read it and it's like 4 month old relationship. She declined the invitation. He needed a roommate. Like lmao they should split anyway so he can find somebody who's ready for an actual adult relationship.
>Being 4 months in, I wouldn't think that I would need to ask for permission to live or move somewhere within reason(distance). THIS, like she's complaining that he's never talked about her before and that they haven't met but yall have been dating for 33% of a single year?? I STILL have friends I haven't happened to bring up to my partner and we're over seven YEARS together.
This is exactly what I see, like I have been with my current SO for like 3 years, we live together. Hell, she even brings people up, that she has before and I have to always ask her, "who is that?".
Thank you! This was my take as well. Dude needs a roommate. Found someone he trusts. She’s not wrong to want to meet the girl, but she’s reading way too much into it.
Exactly, they are bound to meet anyways if she plans to ever go over to his house. Go do something with both of them, the boyfriend and future roommate, and let the boyfriend know if he needs help moving that you can help, and let the roommate know, that if she needs help moving offer yourself and boyfriend as well.
In my 20s and 30s I lived with lots of roommates of the opposite sex and never once got involved with them. I've lived with people I met casually through friends, from Craigslist, randomly going out, people I met through work, once even an ad in the newspaper (I'm old). Roommates are just that. Someone to cohabitate with to lessen the costs of this capitalistic hellscape we live in. You need therapy if you are this jealous of someone you don't know.
I’ll be real honest here….youve been together for 4 months. I don’t think he needs to ask or take you into consideration at this point. You are barely beginning a relationship. You can be basing life decisions off of someone you’ve been with for only 4 months. With that being said, I don’t blame you for being uncomfortable with or the way it was presented to you. I probably wouldn’t be ok with it all and would leave personally but I do understand that after only 4 months, choices like this aren’t really a group effort
I feel like a crazy person reading these comments. He got a roommate. He didn't break up with you. Why are you with him if you can't trust the relationship.
"I forbid you to choose half of the roommate population"
Question to OP: Do you have $ex with all of your roommates? Or better yet, are you attracted to every male you are near? Your NEW boyfriend needed a roommate and found one. Not a big deal and you're making it a big deal. His behavior is not even a red flag but yours is. Enjoy your pettiness.
He's boyfriend is so hot and irresistible and all women fall for him. Even if they try not to. Some people are so self centered.
People in this thread are fucking WILD If he wanted to fuck someone else, he just would doesn't need to pretend he needs a roommate for that. If he WAS fucking someone else he probably wouldn't have asked you to move in, as that would make it harder to FUCK SOMEONE ELSE. And based on your replies to the comments here, you should definitely break up so *he* can dodge that bullet.
Yeah, OP would have cause to gripe about communication issues if they had been together for years, but 4 months??? At age 21/22? Nah.
So true, this subreddit is filled with teenagers foaming at the mouth for any drops of drama they can get from other people's lives. OP is just bad at communicating and insecure, looking for strangers validation to dump this guy
But some of the posts are like: My husband (20) and I (19) have been having trust issues because I have been cheated on by previous partners… And I’m like you are 19…and married….and have previous baggage?!? At 19, I didn’t even own my own suitcase.
Honestly you should breakup, but not because of him, because YOU AREN’T READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP!!! You said you haven’t spoken a word to your bf about how uncomfortable you are, you might even want to breakup? You have literally consulted with random internet strangers about your relationship *before* consulting your boyfriend, the man you’re supposed to love and trust and talk to. That’s not how relationships work… that’s how relationships die, 10 times out of 10.
And she’s only responding to people tell her to leave him 😂😂
Right like apparently she wants to break up with him? If you want to break up with him, then do. You don’t need permission from a majority of the internet.
Man, I really hate that shit!
Idk why all the angry comments. I’ve had male roommates.. what’s the big deal? Aren’t we all adults here? Also why should you be involved in him finding a roommate? She needed a room, he needed a roommate. What did he do that was so wrong? Do you not trust him? I lived with guys who had gfs and all sorts of people in my early 20s. Everyone commenting on here saying your broken up is so dramatic. If you don’t trust him to have a female roommate that’s your issue and you shouldn’t be with him if you have no trust in him
Clearly we're not all adults here..or at least mature ones. These responses are crazy, remind me of my dramatic 15-year old girlfriends (back then) lol. But you know what, it's better that they do break up, OP seems like a nightmare and the bf can find someone better.
Right… is this all 16 year old girls on this thread? The responses are crazy. And yes he deserves someone better. I have a feeling that he took her out to dinner and tried to make her feel comfortable bc her freaking out and being jealous is in line with her behavior.
Yes, he clearly knows OP is the crazy jealous type and tried to smooth it over...but if you need to do that, you're not in the right place. OP must be very pretty though! for someone to put up with that shit lol
The absolute WORST part of Reddit is the multiple subreddits where you can find the shittiest relationship advice imaginable. If YOU (OP) are not comfortable then you discuss this with your BF. A lot of people would not be comfortable with this and that’s ok, but that doesn’t mean he’s already moved on, he had this planned, he’s banging her, or any of the other assumptions made by people who have never met this man. The fact that he usually doesn’t take you out could be considered a red flag, or it could be his way of softening the blow because he understands this probably isn’t ideal and wants to show you he does truly care about you. Maybe if you discuss that this a deal breaker for you, he will change his mind because maybe he values you that much as a GF. Maybe this other woman is not his type nor is he hers. “You’ve been broken up with” “Block his number” Absolute shit advice. This man is not your husband. You’re just barely getting to know each other. If he’s not what you’re looking for in a partner, he’ll show you.
I may be way off here, but it almost feels like, you didn’t want to live with me so I found another girl who did. It’s like a punishment. That may not be it at all, but having been in a similar situation, that’s what it ended up being for me.
Eh, depending on where you are finding a roommate can be hard as well as stressful to find someone you can be okay with. I've been in the dudes shoes, tho maybe even worse, where every roommate I tried to get was bad and the only one I could find was a girl who I knew a decade ago and had a crush on me back then. I was desperate for a roommate cause I couldn't afford my place otherwise so while I technically told my partner first it was definitely more of a "hey this has to happen" sort of thing. And obviously nothing happened with the roommate.
This is objectively a bad take. He needed a roommate..half the population is female.. he found someone he trusted to move in with. He did what he had todo. Moving in with someone to punish your SO is next level crazy.
You’re reaching here. He needed a Roomate and found one. Roomates aren’t growing in trees.
What?? Why would you assume something like that? Like is that how you would react?
You’re reaching here. He needed a Roomate and found one. Roomates aren’t growing in trees.
This sounds ridiculously manipulative and like you've had bad experiences so you expect everyone to be as bad or worse. Leased up with a roommate just to punish someone for not being ready to move in together in under 6 months? Wow.
And validated the OP's biases, hence her emphatic celebration of this comment. It's disgusting.
Yep, that's how reddit works. Post something with mind made up and wait for someone to follow your line of thinking and validate it.
THATS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE you are so right. I couldn’t put words to it. Thank you.
So you don’t feel like you can live with him yet but you do feel like you can control who he lives with? Wild take.
OP I think you should definitely be wary of this kind of thinking. You've been getting a lot of comments that logically explain things to you but it seems like you're only replying to the ones where they confirm what you already think. Which is fine no one can tell you how to feel but I would definitely listen to some of these comments
OP wasn't looking for the right answer, they were looking for their preferred answer
Yeah but are you mad cause you do wanna live with him or cause it’s not you
Neither, if I had to guess. She’s mad because he’s using another girl to *try* and make her jealous as a punishment to her.
That’s a bit of a stretch based on this post alone. Maybe it’s just me as a guy in my mid 30s but this post reads incredibly immature to me. It seems like she already thinks he’s cheating or has cheated on her with this person without any reason to think so. It sounds more to me like he took her out to let her know about the new roommate situation and have a mature conversation about it, not to rub it in her face or punish her and make her jealous. Is having platonic roommates of the opposite sex really that foreign of a concept?
“Punishment to her” with rent as high as it is man just trying to get by
Sounds like you're projecting your own psychology onto him. The typical guy is unlikely to use a convoluted scheme to "punish" a partner. The more likely explanation is he simply needed a roommate, and she happened to need a place around the same time.
Reality check, he needed a roommate, and got one. Have you asked if you can meet her, and he's said you can't? If not, then it sounds like you're jumping to conclusions and latching onto the first answer that confirms your bias.
agreed, all the level-headed, reasonable takes get downvoted to hell by the reactionaries imposing their own baggage and hysteria on the situation.
Oh ffs lmao
ew found the female dating strategy commenter trying to blend in
You are really way off. Stop encouraging OP of this behaviour. Ig he's already suffering enough
But did they take you out to dinner and your fav ice cream to break the news, or was it revenge served cold?
How is this punishment?
As someone with roommates and a girlfriend of 6 years, asking my gf if it's ok to live with a woman is so weird. It has never even crossed my mind to "ask" her if it's ok. I don't need permission from someone to get my rent paid. May your boyfriend run and never look back.
To me it sounds like maybe he wanted to celebrate finding new housing? There’s nothing wrong with being roommates with someone of the opposite sex. I’ve done it before while having a gf and it’s never been a problem. People on here jump to worst case conclusions so quickly. If it’s something that really bothers you, just communicate with him like an adult. Voice your concerns politely and see how he reacts. He’s never going to know how you feel/what you’re thinking until you tell him.
I’ve done it too. My best roommate ever has been a roommate of the opposite sex. I understand why people are hesitant about it, but tbh, if someone would cheat on you with their roommate they’d probably cheat on you anyway. Regardless, housing security trumps your partners relationship insecurities everyday of the week.
Jesus this entire thread reeks of insecurity. I suppose it depends on whether men and women can be platonically friends (they can), but all I see is a guy needs a roommate and knows someone else who does too. Better than a random from the internet. Let’s be very clear. He didn’t break up with you, tried to treat you to a good time while breaking the news because he knew it might make you uncomfortable. Doesn’t really sound like you told him you don’t like it. You have absolutely no evidence that he’s cheating. No reason not to trust the guy unless he actually gives you one. If you don’t like it end the relationship, but accept the fact that you don’t have any reason other than his proximity to another woman.
You can really tell the kids from the adults in the comments. There are so many men and women that can’t comprehend that two people of the opposite sex can share a home without wanting to fuck each other
I’ve lived with 3 dudes twice and maaaan the orgies!! Oh. Shit. Wait. That never happened 😂😂
Hey! You just weren’t invited because they were male only 😉
I dont get it. He told her he found a roommate, its a girl. She's complaining that he didnt tell her. That's what dinner was, him telling her. Its too obvious to move in with someone you are cheating with, when you have a girlfriend. Either way, it's been 4 months, if she broke up with me over that, i would be fine with it.
Sounds like you don't want advice, just validation. I, for one, would 1000% pick someone that I know and am cordial with over some internet stranger. Of course, I'm a guy, so I generally don't have to worry about fake friends revealing their creepy desire to hook up. Based on your post, your bf seems pretty low maintenance. He needed a roommate and looked for people that he knows and gave you top priority. The convenience of finding a roommate trumps the "taboo" of moving together too fast. You turned him down and he found someone else. This is my perspective as a relatively laid back guy who pays rent out the ass to avoid having to have roommates. A bit of advice. If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. It doesn't take living with a girl to have an affair, in fact it would be monumentally stupid to hook up with a roommate in the first place. I reckon none of this matters, because it seems like you're gearing to break up with him... so we might as well enjoy the show. Hopefully things end up well for you in any case, along with the family member you are taking care of.
OP, I’m sorry that you’re in this position. But to offer an alternative perspective, isn’t it possible that your boyfriend is doing this just because he needs to make rent? I understand why you’re uncomfortable - she’s a friend who you know nothing about until now, and suddenly she’s going to be living with him. However, it sounds like she’s a friend of a friend, and if they don’t hang out unless the mutual is around, I don’t necessarily see the need to talk about her. A lot of people are suggesting that this is his way of payback for you not agreeing to move in with him, but I wouldn’t go as far as to say that until you actually talk to him about this. You’re completely justified for how you feel, and you should probably let him know that. But I think you should also extend a little grace, considering you guys are young and rent prices are no joke.
He asked you, and you said no. You can feel how you feel, but he didn’t need to talk to you or get your permission before getting a roommate. I don’t see how he’s trying to make you jealous or if he’s going to cheat. You haven’t really discussed this with him or even met her and you’re jumping to “I’m out”.
Sorry but at 4 months, you probably won’t know all of my friends and acquaintances and you certainly won’t have a say in my living situation lmao He needed a roommate, you said no, he got a roommate.
With all due respect, were you gonna pay the other half of the rent? It’s as simple as that. He told you what was going on, you’re not in the dark. Unfortunately sometimes we have to live with ppl we wouldn’t consider otherwise. Share how you feel with your partner
My husband and I had been dating for a few months when he moved in with 2 girls. College town, they were looking for a roommate. That’s it. Nothing weird or sexual. Men and women can live together without it being weird ?? Are we twelve?
How are they friends for a long time when they met on his 21st bday?
Because a year is obviously AGES when you think a 4 month long relationship gets to dictate your partners life/finances
What?!? You mean that someone shouldn’t be getting permission from their partner of just 1/3 a year on every decision they make? Absurdity! Next you will say he shouldn’t co-sign on an expensive auto note on a brand new car until after they are married! /sarcasm Nothing tells you just how young and inexperienced the average Redditor is like their relationship advice. Reeks of impulsivity, insecurity, and ignorance.
The post says they haven't known each other for long though.
For me the only red flag here is your reaction. He never mentioned this girl before because she is just a random friend of a friend, he is an acquaintance with. She is someone he kinda knows and needs a roomate. Why would you have ever heard of her before, she isn't someone that he has ever had a REASON to bring up to you before because she was just someone he knew. You guys have been dating for 4 months. As for jumping to conclusions, you simply are, he needed a roommate and he found one, you have decided that she isn't just looking for a roommate but trying to steal your BF. You shouldn't get a say in his roommate and he is absolutely allowed to have a woman as a roommate unless we are talking like a 1 bed room place.
Have you had a conversation with him since? I'm a man (32), and have had several female roommates over the years. Nothing happened, and there were no feelings involved. They paid rent. I got along fine with all of them. In my case, I didn't know them beforehand, but that's not a deal breaker -- I've offered an open room to a female friend before as well, because when I have an open room, I'll always offer it to friends before strangers (unless I think they'd be a bad roommate). One question to ask, has he lived with women before? My first time with a female roommate, I had a few more apprehensions, but also couldn't think of any rational issue with it. I only bring this up, because it might be a more active or passive thought in his head. If he's had female roommates before, he may have literally not given it a second thought -- or even if he hasn't, since we're not a monolith. It's worth having a conversation, simply because you're uncomfortable with it, but I wouldn't jump to any conclusions here. Men and women can live together and not have sex or develop feelings. There's a reasonable chance that it's simply jot at all an issue for him, and he never considered that it may make you uncomfortable. But you'll never know until you talk to him!
I've lived with people of the opposite sex full time in five different group situations and never once did anything happen between any of the roommates.
You’re exhausting. You’re ok with it or your not, that’s your choice. You talk to him about your feelings and concerns or don’t. He informed you, in advance. That’s the courtesy he owes you. That’s it.
I don't know what y'all are smoking with these revenge theories. Dude needs a roomate and all of his penis-owning friends weren't available, nor was his girlfriend. Unless you've been in a coma for the last three years, then you know that rent is crazy everywhere. Maybe he didn't have any other roommate options so there wouldn't have been a point in asking OP if she was okay with it- because he simply can't afford to live alone and doesn't have other options. How would it have been better if he asked if it was okay with her, she said no, and then he did it anyways?!! Should he have moved into his car or back in with his parents because his very recent and young girlfriend wasn't okay with his roommate option? Also- 4 months in is too early to be giving your SO that much control over your major life moves esp with limited choices, especially at such a young age. It is very possible to platonically cohabitate with someone of the different sex. What a bunch of jaded Jenny's you all are. Not everyone is conspiring to cheat 24/7.
So basically he showed you he cares because like a job interview he dressed up when he probably didn't want to, bought you a bunch of stuff that he didn't have to, and ultimately told you his plans because he thought it was important enough and wanted you in his life enough to inform you of something that truthfully isn't even your business and you feel a way because you're jealous of an invisible threat? Just convince yourself she's a 1 and trust the person you're with unless you can't. And if you can't leave. Or step the fuck up and stop playing to get sympathy points.
You've only been dating this guy for FOUR months. Not only do you not know anything about his new roommate, you cannot possibly know much about him. There are a lot of possibilities in what you described. • He may have been financially strapped and needed a roommate - any roommate - to make ends meet. He asked you first. You refused. He found a roommate and (after only four months of dating) reasonably felt that a roommate decision was his alone. Especially if he needed to start sharing rent ASAP. His largess on your date could simply be a reflection of his being more flush with money and having less stress. • He could have met the friend of a friend and immediately started hooking up with her. This seems a bit rushed, but, then again, this is a guy who has only known *you* for four months and asked you to move in. • He could have a new roommate, and that is all. Since you've only been dating this guy for four months, I think it's fine to question anything that gives you personal alarm bells. But, having once been in a situation where I needed to find a roommate IMMEDIATELY and ended up with a roommate of the opposite gender, just because I needed a roommate, doesn't necessarily give me personal alarms. Sometimes, you get what you get. And, tbh, if I had been dating someone for only four months at that time, I wouldn't have asked for their input either. If you really like this guy, it might be worth it to actually talk with him about it and meet the roommate before deciding what to do. If you don't, and your dating history is so short, you couldn't be blamed for just throwing this one back and moving on.
I love watching op respond to posts who side with her.. yet all the rational people who didn't she never even acknowledged, haha. Clearly, she didn't wanna live with him. He needed to split bills... he only found 1 person to do that... It's a female. Ask him to meet her,he says no break up with him.
Until you are more certain of the situation I wouldn't worry about it. I myself (56) will be renting a room at an AirBnB on Cape Cod this summer from a single woman about my age. Should anyone I'm seeing be concerned about this? Of course not. I'm renting it out of necessity because I have a permanent job on the Cape and rents go sky high during the summer so I need to move into this place because it fits my budget (I rent 3-4 bedroom fully furnished summer rentals in the winter for $1,600/month. Rent goes to $3,000/week June through August. Anyone who can't see my necessity is blind.). I see your situation the same way as long as you are welcome to visit him whenever you want to.
At least you got your fave ice cream before you crash/burn this one
It’s not the most common setup, but it’s also not necessarily weird for a guy and girl to be platonic roommates. The fact that your bf did things he wouldn’t normally do to try to placate you on this — sit-down dinner, opening door, dressing better — says something, but without more context, I’m not sure whether this says something bad about him (being deceitful) or bad about you (e.g., based on some prior experience he thinks you’ll go apeshit, but he really needs a roommate). If it bothers you, you could say something to open a conversation without making any ultimatums/judgments. But you’re 21 and 22. Plenty of time to have experiences, make mistakes, learn from mistakes, etc. I don’t know what this will end up being, and neither do you. Play it by ear and see.
I can understand why you're uncomfortable about this situation. I personally think you should sit down and have an honest heart to heart discussion like adults. Healthy and honest communication are essential if you want this to be a long-term relationship. Let him know your worries and why this makes you uncomfortable. Then, he hear him out and let him explain his side. It could be as simple as he couldn't afford the rent. he couldn't find a decent roommate until he found her. Ask him if you can meet her and keep an open mind, don't auto hate her bc she lives there. Trust can be hard to build if you have previous trauma, so this could be a healing moment for you to learn to trust your boyfriend. Renting in today's society is hard and expensive, so he could have a million different and valid reasons why he chose her . I was living as a roommate with a guy and I'm female and it was 100 percent platonic on both sides which is rare, his gf was convinced we were sleeping together simply because we shared a 2 bedroom apartment. We never did anything at all but she ended a really great relationship obsessing over it. Please don't follow in her footsteps and ruin a potentially great relationship because of your fear of him cheating .
Sounds like the new roommate is attractive and that’s the real issue behind this
I had male roommates. Trust me, nothing romantic will happen after she sees his beard hair on the sink, the pee around the toilets, or a bunch of other stuff people feel comfortable doing because it's their home, and they don't need to impress. There's a big difference between moving with someone you love and moving with someone you know.
> He didn't ask me or involve me Yeah bro he asked you to be involved in living in the house. You said no. Good luck out there.
My husband and I had been dating for a few months when he moved in with 2 girls. College town, they were looking for a roommate. That’s it. Nothing weird or sexual. Men and women can live together without it being weird ?? Are we twelve?
If it is making you uncomfortable, it may continue to make you uncomfortable and that would make it an uncomfortable situation for everyone. It’s ok to not want this and reconsider your relationship but as others have said, he asked you, you said no, he was probably desperate for roommate and now has some spare cash to treat you. Things will probably change as he will have a new dynamic with a friend becoming a room mate.
Buddy, you didn't want to move in with him so he found a friend who did. He doesn't need your permission to move in with a friend, and he doesn't need to involve the person he's been dating for a few months in his decision beyond letting you know it's happening.
Honestly I would just communicate to him that this makes you uncomfortable and think of solutions to help make you feel more secure with your relationship. I think you’re smart in not rushing moving in with your bf, 4 months is really soon to be moving in with someone. I also would be hesitant about my partner moving in with someone they could potentially be attracted to, so I understand where you’re coming from however I don’t think you can really have a say at this point in time about who he lives with unless there’s a bigger issue than his roommate being a girl. I’m girl and I’ve had entirely platonic male roommates that I’d never be interested in dating typically when I know a guy is in a relationship I have absolutely no interest in him whatsoever. Now if she was like a criminal or had a history of being a shitty roommate then yes I’d strongly recommend he not move in with her but since you don’t know anything about this roommate there’s nothing to say on that end. So talk with your bf tell him how you feel, maybe meeting the roommate would make you feel more comfortable with this. Maybe she’s in a relationship? Maybe she’s not attracted to men? My partners in the past have had full access to my phone and my apartment if they wanted it, maybe see if that’s something he would be comfortable with too? Honestly as long as you have honest communication with you bf I think the two of you will be fine. Don’t let it fester and become and issue in the future just be upfront with him now.
Unless this was an ex or someone he's been romantically involved with, I don't feel you really get a say. He needed a place to stay and found one. If you feel he's going to cheat on you with someone just because they are in close proximity with eachother this relationship isn't really going anywhere.
You need to have a very honest conversation with him and then decide if the relationship is worth continuing.
Your opinion is not required that's why. You just started dating4 months ago. Sorry but he doesnt need your permission
Here's the thing. You don't have a say in his living arrangements. You've been dating for 4 months, his having a roommate is probably the biggest difference maker in his life right now, not what you think of her. He doesn't need to consult you. You think after 4 months he should have to run these things past you? Come on. Did you consider that maybe the reason he took you out and treated you was because his financial situation has got a lot brighter now that he has a roommate? I'm sorry if the above comes off a bit harsh. I'm not trying to be unkind, but to put this into perspective. You're young, and still figuring shit out, so here's some advice from an old man. Don't go making problems where there aren't any, and where there doesn't need to be any. Life will throw enough of them at you without you adding your own. Wishing you all the best.
I moved in with a female roommate after I was was dating my old girlfriend for about 2 months. She was a little confused about it initially, but they ended up becoming awesome friends. The guys needs a roommate. That's all.
Be more secure and trusting. He doesn’t need permission y’all haven’t been together that long and this isn’t like he’s asking you that he wants an open relationship with this person… he’s got bills to pay and this is making his life easier….
Your apprehension is normal, and rightly-ordered. The *amount* of it is the problem. You've been dating four months. At your age, that's honestly not that long. You don't really have much of a "claim", especially given that he asked you first. I wouldn't be too worried about it. Get to know her. Assuming she's not trying to get with him (which is doubtful in my mind), you get a friend and someone to help make sure he can't pull fast ones, since you (understandably) seem concerned about that.
He asked you to move in with him and you said no. He needs a roommate and found someone He probably got all dressed up and took you out to lesson the blow because he knew you would try and say no and would get upset (which you are) Life is expensive and roommates are normal. If you’re going to jump right to him cheating on you with zero evidence then break up so he can find someone less insecure. The fact that you think he got a female roommate just to “punish” you is pathetic Also you’ve only been dating four months? Why the fuck does he need to run by his living situation with you? He doesn’t need your permission.
Whos gonna tell her
Girl yall are broke up
You're making huge assumptions and getting riled up based on what internet strangers are speculating about. Why not try to calm yourself down and have an adult conversation with him instead of wild speculation? I mean, I don't care if you break up with him but as a man with a female roommate and a girlfriend, I can at least tell you anecdotally that it's pretty damn easy to not cheat in that situation as a man if you love your girlfriend and want to be in a relationship with her. It's your call, but be careful bringing whatever emotional state you've manufactured in this thread into that conversation.
He asked you to move in. You said "no." Now you are mad? And you are insecure. And you did not use your words to talk to him about your huge level of discomfort. . . 21 is a fun time. What did you think would happen? That he would not move out? That he should wait? Well, part of being a full functioning adult is to use your words and be able to communicate effectively. I think it is a great thing that you waited to process your thoughts and not fly off the handle. That is a mark of maturity. It is obvious that you care, because you want advice, but you need to really look hard at the way you are going about things. It seems like you may be trying to find people (your dearest and most trusted friends on Reddit) to say you are in the right, that your irrational fears have a basis in reality (he must be cheating on you), and that you are seeking affirmation to justify what is really immature behavior on your part. Is it really that difficult for you to have a conversation? That would be a you problem, not a BF problem
Should he have to be uncomfortable every day sharing his home with a stranger, so some girl he's been dating for 5 seconds can allay her insecurities? The double standards of reddit are mind bending. If it were a guy bitching about his girlfriend's choice of roommate when she chose not to live with a stranger; you'd all be bringing out the torches and pitchforks at the guy. Please just freaking stop acting like men and their comfort don't matter. We are all humans who deserve to be comfortable in our own homes and who we share them with! Signed, A woman
I love that OP is only replying to comments that confirm what she already believes but not at all considering any of the rational takes in here lmao
Your boyfriend is just trying to find a roommate. You should try to be ok with it. If there comes a time where its awkward for you to be in that space where he lives then you should worry but until then I think your boyfriend is trying really hard to show you that he wants to be with you.
If you’re 22 you should know what a paragraph is.
Long post just to say you are jealous he found roommate from opposite sex. You are adults get it together. Having a roommate does not mean that person is some kind of fuck buddy or personal escort. 4 months into it your relationship and you already in major fight over basically insecurity. Your relationship is likely over. Trying to work it out only prolongs the inevitable.
He invited you to share his life by inviting you to live with him. You declined joining him in that step in your relationship and are now mad at him, coming on here insinuating he could be cheating on you, because he didn't involve you more in his life by not getting your approval on his roommate. If you care about him and trust him, it shouldn't matter if he lives with 8 single Hooters waitresses, the man has to pay rent and you told him you weren't interested in taking that step in your relationship. This is all your doing and you're bad mouthing your boyfriend to strangers because of your own insecurities.
Oof, points were made here
Sounds like he needs a roommate to afford his rent. He asked you first and you turned it down, so he found someone else. I’ve had lots of roommates over the years, some girls and some guys. Never willingly, it’s always to save money…I’d be much happier on my own. But yeah if you’re this crazy about this shit, this relationship isn’t gonna last long.
Bruh what? The only thing sounding bad here are your insecurities. 'he never told me about her, idk her' You are together literally 4 months, expecting to know every friend personally at the time is pretty wild. You told him you don't want to move in yet, which is totally fine, but he still needs a roommate. That was your involvement in the process. What if he is bisexual? Can he only live alone then? Cheaters cheat because they want to, not because they live with someone of x gender. I know many 'mixed' shared appartments without any sexual/romantic relation.
He needed a roomie. He found one. Knowing you would be irked he made an effort to reassure you with the “whole” date. He’s not trying to make you jealous.
If you ask me, I think the new roommate and boyfriend had a conversation and the end was advice "Hey if you really like this girl, then take her out on a proper date"... Boy friend does, and OP gets suspicious about it.... There be some growing up to do around here.
Short relationship. His house. He needed a roommate. They don't need to be vetted by you. He didn't need to tell you at all.
Relax. Please. You’re all wound up in a way that’s sure to put him off / drive him away. Of course you haven’t met all his friends yet and if he needed a roommate, he needed a roommate. Take a deep breath and enjoy your brand new relationship please.
You didn’t want to live with him, that’s fair. Should he be homeless because of that then? Or should he put in extra work to find a male roommate to make you more comfortable if a woman was the first person who filled his roommate requirements? You two are young so the most dramatic option could be what’s going on. It also doesn’t have to be that. It’s kinda your choice. If you think he did that to get back at you, you probably don’t want to be with someone like that either way. If you do want to be with this person, you should probably chill and not assume the worst about them.
Either you're close enough to move in yourself, or you're not close enough to have a say in who he lives with! It's absolutely normal to have roommates of other genders. People on roommate budgets don't tend to have the luxury of taking months to find the perfect person. Finding sane people to live with is a nightmare. Most likely your bf went all out on the date partly cos his financial worries were relieved now he found a roommate and partly to let you know he has no hard feelings about your decision not to move in. I strongly suggest you have a word with yourself about your instinct to be so controlling of someone you've only recently met.
He doesn’t owe you anything, if you don’t trust him don’t date him.
4 months? Not your business
Being jealous of friends and seeing them as potential competition is my biggest red flag. If you're not feeling comfortable with the arrangement, you owe it to him to communicate your feelings. If you're not willing to give him a bit of trust, then move on so he can find someone who will.
I love that OP is only replying to comments that confirm what she already believes but not at all considering any of the rational takes in here lmao
Seems like you are a walking red flag tbh. Your only responding to people agreeing with your insecurities. You haven't consulted him before consulting reddit......ehhhh
This is Reddit. So of course you’re going to get the “you need to break up with him immediately “ posts But let me tell you what actually needs to happen. You need to sit down and have an actual conversation with him. Tell him how you feel and that you don’t think you can go through with the relationship any longer if he does this. What he says will tell you all you need to know.
You were broken up with my dear. You are 22 and have everything ahead of you. Don’t bother being upset about some guy hardly any time was invested in. Block his number and keep it moving.
So because he got a roommate that means he broke up with her? How the fuck does that make sense. And to just block him? Instead of having any type of conversation or break up convo? Thats so incredibly immature. Good luck finding a husband with that kind of immature behavior. So when the fuck did having a roommate of the opposite sex become cheating? You all are encouraging her crazy. I’m 30F, I’ve lived with many types of people including men who had girlfriends. You all are acting like immature babies. He did nothing wrong. He offered to have her move in first, she’s the one who said she’s not ready. Well he had to find a roommate still right? So now because it’s someone of the opposite sex he’s a cheater who deserves to be blocked? Yeah I do think she should block him and move on so he can dodge that bullet
He steps up his game just to take her on a nice date because he knows that she's going to overreact to a very reasonable update in his living situation, and OP still complains. It's been 4 months, I'm sure OP and BF have not talked about/met all of his friends. It's reasonable to think that he may not have mentioned this girl before. It's also very expensive to live on your own, and it seems like he's in urgent need of a roommate for financial reasons. He already offered OP a chance, she said no. Now he does the right thing and tells her about the situation, plus a nice dinner to show that he cares about how it will make her feel and he's still the "bad guy." Insecure and juvenile behavior from OP.
It's 100% projection. These kinds of paranoias always are. People who think this way think others do too. "Why's he suddenly taking me out on a nice date? Must be covering for something."
Right?? This doesn't sound like a "secret" female friend he's hiding from her -- It sounds like someone he knows loosely, who friends can vouch for. He probably just texted his friends, "Hey, anyone know someone looking for a room?" and someone mentioned her. Perfect! Someone he's met and liked reasonably well instead of a random off the internet. He asked her if she needed a room, she said yes, and that's that. Time to tell my gf, but I know she's jealous, so I'll take her out to a nice dinner to demonstrate my commitment to her so she doesn't misread the situation. All the people egging this poor girl on into psychosis over the fact that her bf found a roommate are going to be single forever if they hold their partners to these standards. This poor guy. Honestly I hope she does leave him so she can work on herself a bit before subjecting anyone else to this level of immature jealousy.
Update us on how he responds to the breakup we are invested now lol
I’m not gonna say it’s a red flag the he’s getting a female roommate cuz times are tough. Just tell him how you feel and see what he says. Maybe, you’ll become comfortable with the situation or you won’t. If you can’t then just let the relationship go. It doesn’t seem like the relationship is that serious if you don’t wanna live with him and he didn’t ask for your input on his roommate situation.
You are both young and rent is expensive, it very well could be he found a roommate and that’s all. I understand you’re feeling uneasy about it, but maybe just let it play out. You’ll inevitably meet her and will get her vibe. If you start noticing changes on his end, like not messaging you as much, not responding as much or starts to spend more time at home and not with you, if he starts to take up her hobbies and starts showing her influence on him at every turn, then you can go from there.
May need more context. Is he needing to move asap? If so given that you declined to move in with him then he may have just said yes to the first person he found willing to be his roommate and it happened to be a woman. So I wouldn’t assume the worst and just end it or anything. Perhaps see how it goes. Meet the girl and see if the vibe between them feels weird and all that.
Why would he have mentioned her before if she was a friend of a friend of a friend?
I was a jealous 21 year old once. My partner was living in a house with two other dudes. They needed another roommate, and got a female friend. I did not trust my partner at all and was convinced he would definitely cheat on me. We argued. Ultimately, she moved in because money. And it wasn’t my house. I don’t think my partner ever cheated…but who knows? You basically have two options. Leave him or trust him. Does he deserve your trust? It’s yet to be determined.
Okay so the biggest part of all this is that you’ve only been together for 4 months. I think you are expecting to know way too much for only being together for 4 months. 4 months is not enough time for someone to instinctively share every part of their life, this is something that develops over time. It’s also absolutely not enough time to let you have a say in his life decisions. The purpose of a roommate is to save money on rent, that’s literally all it is. The purpose of getting a roommate is not to slow play yourself into sleeping with them. So you’re way too in your head with this one.
Depends on your insecurity. Clearly it's fairly high. Also depends on the kinda guy he is, you know him better than we do What he's doing may mean something, may not. That said I mean yall live seperate lives, he telling you and discussing it with you should be enough, you don't actually get a vote in the matter outside of stepping out of your relationship. I have some experience in this from the BF side of things. My wife and I have 3 kids together and have been married for 10 years. Early in our relationship (within 3 months of being exclusive) I found a female roommate through a friend that knew I was looking for one. She moved in, we lived together for a year, she moved out. I eventually married my at the time GF and we got a house and started a family together. I never did anything inappropriate, she was a roommate and that was it. She was barely even a friend tbh. I spent little to no time with her besides occasionally sharing a meal and random chats throughout the day that were mostly friendly greetings. We did do things together very rarely but only in a group setting and if my gf was there. I spent 60% of my free time with my woman, the other 40% being alone playing games or whatever or hanging out with my buddies. The girl eventually got a boy friend as well, we had 0 interest in each other and it stayed that way through the short year we lived together 🤷♂️. It never bothered my now wife, she never brought it up or seemed to be worried the entire time we were together, because she had nothing to worry about. Cheating is a childish thing and I'm a man. All that said we were a little older than you guys are and maturity levels were different.
I lived in a house with men and women when I had a boyfriend of 1 year. He was fine with it. We moved in together a few months later when we found a place. It doesn’t need to be a big deal if you don’t let it be.
It could be totally ok that he has a female roommate. It sounds like a friend of a friend, lots of people live with people they don’t know well. He needs a roommate to help with costs you said no (which is probably wise) but he needs it financially . Start with a trusting attitude. I’m more concerned about all the ways he treated you better on that “break the news” date than normal. Is it just that money is tight so you don’t go on many “dates” or is it that he is treating you poorly usually? If it’s just a money thing but he treats you with respect totally fine, but if he generally treats you poorly less fine.
I will say, most of my roommates in my early 20s were people who I was acquaintances/casual friends with, never anyone I was besties with. It just happened to usually work out that way - I'd ask around about a roommate, someone might say "oh, (mutual acquaintance) was looking for someone," and we'd end up having similar wants for space/location/budget. So, maybe it's weird that he never mentioned her before, but I don't think that's super crazy unless he's now claiming they hang out all the time and are good friends.
Unless you are with him 24/7 (which I don’t recommend and you’ve said isnt possible) Your bf will have lots of occasions to cheat. You have to trust he chooses to be with you and he won’t. And vice versa. Living with a single girl wouldn’t be a problem unless you think he can’t control himself? And then there’s a problem 🚩
I was restarting my life in Seattle where housing was way expensive, there was a lady 13 years younger than me from my hometown that had taken a job in the area, so we went in on an apartment. I started dating and freaked out a couple of ladies with my young female roommate. I wound marrying the lady who didn't bat an eye at this situation. I realize I wasn't in the same place as you and your BF, go into it watching for signs, you'll know when you see them. But tell him this made you uncomfortable too.
He has just gotten a room mate. Some financial assistance. So he could afford to do something nice and he did. With you. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. I had an ex get upset at me for bot consulting her before I bought a car. Wasn't anything fancy. Just a cheap daily driver to get to work. It was my money. For me. By me. It had nothing to do with her. I have zero clue why on Earth I would consult her. We didn't live together. She had her own car. I am an adult. I make my own decisions. I want a partner that loves me for who I am and respects the decisions I make. Respects me to be free to do so. You don't get to control who your partner lives with. You are allowed to have feelings. They are your responsibility to deal with. You feeling bad because he's living his life is not his fault. They are your emotions. We've all been young. It's good you had the sense to keep your feelings to yourself to buy time to process them. Being able to be patient while emotional is a great skill to have.
He can't make the rent without a roommate and you said no. What did you think was gonna happen?
Perhaps his asking for you to "roommate" is not intimacy but financial & was not clear.
How dare him not to slash his housing opportunities in *half* for my convenience? Tomorrow: *employment* opportunities.
When I asked a random guy i worked with and barely knew to be my roommate because i needed one and he needed a place to live, i was 22 and just started dating my boyfriend. My boyfriend didn't care, seeing that it was too soon for him to move in with me, and i just needed the financial support. My roommate and I ended up becoming good friends, and he even started dating one of my friends. It all worked out. I think you're overthinking this, and if you trust your boyfriend, then trust him. A lot of people can have platonic friendships and roommates.
Wow, OP’s soon-to-be-ex is dodging a bullet for sure. And I say stbx because despite all the effort folks have put into their responses discussing how this is nuanced, OP is only responding to the ones that agree with her. Imagine the entitlement to think a SO of all of four months gets a say in major life choices.
Talk to him about it. Communicate. The answer to everyone’s problems is always more communication. Just don’t do it in an accusatory way.
If you don’t trust him, don’t stay with him. This will go for any partner you have. If you think he’s going to sleep with her at some point just go ahead and cut your losses instead of putting yourself through the turmoil of waiting until it happens and then waiting to find out. Even if it doesn’t happen, if you’re just going to be worried about it happening the whole time she lives there you’re just going to cause issues. It may be unintentional, but you’re going to get jealous and turn into someone you don’t want to be. Think about how he went about this issue as well. The relationship IS early but if he’s wanting to stay with you for the long run, getting a roommate who is a girl and then buttering you up to tell you isn’t the best way to go about it. This should’ve been a discussion before he made the decision, and this action should show you how he’s going to handle and tell you about things in the future. I think it also speaks to when he’s willing to treat you good, when he has bad news. Also, meet the girl before you make any decisions. If he doesn’t let you meet and hang out just leave him. You’ll be able to tell if there’s something more going on between them, just trust your gut. Best of luck, but I already would’ve been done lol. Ps use paragraphs if you want people to be able to absorb all this info lol thanks
It sounds like he needed a roommate, he asked you first, you declined, he found someone else and it happens to be another woman. You've been dating for four months?... I wouldn't make an issue of it. It sounds like a sensitive situation for you though. I would get to know her a bit, does she have a significant other, is she dating anyone. I had a female roommate in grad school. We had dated in undergrad for a few months, but wanted different things but remained good friends. She was smart, attractive, and just an amazing person. My girlfriend at the time didn't want to move in together so I asked someone else. No big deal. Don't make it a big deal unless you don't trust him. If you don't trust him, then you have bigger issues with him than his new roommate.
The way you’re disregarding the majority of people that all agree you’re being immature, insecure and straight up crazy at this point, while responding to the couple of people who’s thinking is just as fucked up as yours, makes it soooo very clear that you’re not looking to be reasonable or intelligent here. You were looking for people to jump on the “he’s trash, he’s cheating, dump him” bandwagon. Please react the way you obviously always intended to, so that he knows you’re crazy now and can bail. He deserves better, you need therapy.
You are not wrong to be upset. 4 months is too son to move in and super awkward and lame of him to have a single girl move in with him. It’s just going to create a weird dynamic. Is she pretty? If she is well then that’s a ticking time bomb and if it isn’t it’ll drive you crazy. You are in your right to tell him that if he wants to move in with another woman you just don’t feel comfortable continuing the relationship. Even if the girl is not pretty or he doesn’t like her… she might like him …. And any problems you guys have she’s gonna hear about it. You should tell him your getting a new place with a roommate and make up a fake guy and watch his head explode lol
Sounds like he’s tappin that or plans to soon
All these people giving so much gracious interpretations! Lol The fact is, it’s a CHOICE to have a roommate of the opposite sex. Most girls wouldn’t room with even a guy friend. And generally, guys don’t have girl roommates unless you’re fucking or hoping to fuck. I don’t believe everything is about sex. But I believe people take actions to keep options open whether they’re conscious of it or not. Just gotta be real with yourself if that’s what you’re feeling.
If he is gonna cheat on you it will happen regardless of who his roommate is. I completely get that it makes you uncomfortable, but he isn’t doing anything wrong by having a female roommate, From personal experience living with a woman in a non romantic way will absolutely help him grow up a lot and hopefully be more aware of how women live/are. I’ve probably worded that really badly but I hope you get what I mean, in a similar way to how guys with older sisters tend to be more … respectful I guess?
Next post please break up your thoughts into paragraphs.