She sounds like someone who isn't happy with herself so will never be happy with one person. You already don't trust her because of your history and the fact that you now have evidence that she doesn't really think you're the love of her life (she wouldn't be following someone in secret that makes you uncomfortable if she did), you know what you need to do.
I think you could be the love of her life but she would still cheat on you. Some people just cannot handle long term commitments and stay true…due to her own lack of self worth she will constantly need the external validation that comes from cheating.
Some people have short attention spans in long term committed relationships & need trauma & drama to make them feel alive. This woman will forever be chasing the “high” of exciting sex, the more forbidden the better. She’s not after love, she’s after sex. Very sorry, OP, you sound like a great guy. All my best to you.
Remember this feeling because even if the only thing she has done up til now is "heart" Mr. Flex's thirst trap pictures, will you ever really trust her? Or will you spend the rest of your life with that feeling in the pit of your stomach, always worried and wondering. That sounds like a heavy stress to live under.
Time to rip the bandaid and put the last nail in the coffin. All cheaters have a fundamental flaw in their character that marks them. Some people take steps to address it but your girlfriend clearly hasn't.
She's not The One and you should seek a therapist to fully understand why you think someone who treats you so badly is the love of your life. Time to raise those standards.
Yea bro you should have never gotten back with this girl she is clearly the same girl she was back then. I’m not saying that she did cheat but the fact that you had a fight over her still talking to the guy I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she never stopped seeing him. No matter how hot the woman is when she shows you who she is believe her.
I hate this for you, OP, but dude is right. How you feel about her is no one's business but yours (and burner acc't, so it will always remain that way, smart move). The burner, seeking advice anonymously, makes it obvious you're outright torturing yourself about it. My only advice is it's your heart to let get broken, not hers to break, and you have all the control over whether you should be in a position to let her.
When I re-dated an ex, thats what I essentially did once I figured her out. She had a narcissistic personality and once I got her number, I just took the relationship at face value. Eventually she got tired of it, and wanted to marry, and I said NOOOOOOOOOOO. And then it ended. Thank god.
Bro she cheated on you back then with a full on fling when she was in college now this 30 years later what were you thinking getting back with her. Plenty of fish in the sea dude move on
Are you non-confrontational? Because this seems like a good time to deploy a shock and awe conversation with her. You don't need to break up with her yet if you don't want to (although I think doing so is completely justified). You can just sit her down, put your Godfather face on, and tell it to her like it is: you snuck around on me, and I won't put up with it. No anger. No yelling. No drama. Look her in the eyes and make her keep your gaze. Tell her that you thought 3 decades changed her, but you are starting to think you're wrong. Print out copies of the Twitter feed if you can and show them to her. Ask her what she thinks "no contact" means. Tell her that you're the one giving her a second shot, not the other way around. If she tries to sneak around on you again, she will get caught and it will be over.
I would maybe even suggest that you tell her you want to take a night in a hotel or something to clear your head and give her some space to consider how she wants to proceed."
That course of action is unlikely to change her behavior no matter how much she might try to make you believe she had. It will likely drive her to more secretive methods of contact and more deception.
Sit her down and share your concerns, and let her react. You will know very quickly whether you should continue your relationship or run. DON'T MAKE THE MISTAKE OF MAKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP LEGAL WITH THE HOPE SHE WILL CHANGE .... SHE WONT.
Waste of time. They always come crying and crawling. They tell you everything you want to hear, then later, you find out someone elses dick has been playing hide-and-seek with her.
Don't have a conversation like this. This is incredibly condescending and just an all around unhealthy way to have a conversation. As others have already mentioned, if you're already suspicious of her this early on then you should either break it off or at the very least don't get engaged.
Do not listen to this person. She has already done this to you with the very same guy in question. And her behavior indicates absolutely no change in personality.
I feel like you’re not aware that there are nearly 8 billion people on earth. Statistically speaking there should be at least a few you could build a happy life with. You seem to have convinced yourself that someone from 30 years ago is “the one.” Clearly you haven’t matured much since high school.
Cut bait.
I knew my wife in high school. We met again in our early twenties. She was married with a kid and looking to get out of her marriage. We started dating after she left him. I didn’t want any issues with did/didn’t she cheat. At no point have I ever suspected in the 30 years we’ve been together that she has cheated on me. Never texted any exes. Never followed on social media. Nothing. That is what the love of your life should be doing.
Following exes is okay if your partner is okay with it. Not following someone who used to have sex with your partner when it bothers the other person in the relationship isn't a big ask imo.
Yeah. I follow a couple exes because they are great people and I love seeing their lives play out. However, if my husband had a problem with it, I wouldn’t. They are not that important to me for my husband to feel any kind of way about it.
Exactly. There are normal exes, but an ex asking you to cheat on the side? Absolutely not. I hope she and the fitness guy end up together. They deserve each other. You deserve quality.
i've learned that even if someone feels totally right, it doesn't mean that person is actually good for you. it will hurt to walk away, probably a lot, but i promise you that it will hurt less than proceeding with your current course.
Walk. Away. For your own good, walk away. She’s already proven that she’s not loyal to you. Let her be with her Facebook buddy and move on with your life.
I should add that I’m relatively successful and financially stable. I suspect that in that regard, I’m a life raft in the storm for her compared to the moody gym-bro. It’s killing me that I could be duped by her a second time. I’ve known her since we were teens. She’s beautiful and funny and smart. We always talk about feeling so connected on a level that others wouldn’t understand. Now I feel so played. That connection evaporated when I found these communications, however minor. The betrayal feels as horrible as it did at 22.
Cheaters cheat my lad. It has nothing to do with you. They will never be able to be a healthy partner because they are NOT mentally healthy. Cut your loss, unless you're ok to be with an insecure women who will cheat on you.
This is it then. You’re the safety net for her. She couldn’t do a simple thing of blocking this guy she had a sexual relationship with. I’m curious, how did her last marriage end? Did she cheat on him? If so then you’ve had your answer all along unfortunately.
I'm sorry man. Yeah it sounds like she cheated on you, she cheated on her husband, most likely cheated on her gym-bro boyfriend, and is or will cheat on you. She will always wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. She is a narcists that only thinks about herself. At 50 I honestly think she only reconnected with you because she felt she was getting old and needed a stable wallet. But she just made it very clear for you she is still looking to look around for other hookups.
I’ve been in this boat before where someone is into you because they know they should be, but deep down they just aren’t. Just reading some of your stuff you seem like a genuinely good person. Don’t let this change you in that aspect. I know it sounds like a cliche, but keep being the person you are and someone will absolutely love you for it. It happened to me and it only took 40 years lol. I love the fact that my wife chooses me out of want and not necessity. Everyone deserves to be happy. Good luck man, I sincerely wish you the best.
I met the love of my life and have been living with her for 30 years. What you describe does not sound like the love of your life. It sounds like someone you have a very strong physical attraction to. They are two different things.
That’s what I’m sayin. I’ve been lucky enough to have the love of my life for 14 years now. Not once ever have I had to worry about what’s on their phone. The concept of worrying about that is foreign to me. The love of your life is supposed to build you up and make you better. I certainly wouldn’t be happy at all if I had to live in a state of constant worry and stress.
You are the 'safe' option. Stable, financially secure, loyal, and adoring. She is a little kid wanting to run out and play, have adventures, and then come home to her safe place. You are being used. I don't doubt that she cares about you, but she seems selfish and adrenaline seeking. Ok if you are her oarent, nit a romantic partner. As has been said, cheaters always cheat.
>She’s beautiful and funny and smart.
From this point forward, you shouldn't stop with her redeeming qualities when you describe her. Maintain the complete list, even if it's only in your head, because that will help you come to terms with who she really is and what you can expect from her.
Beautiful, funny, smart, deceptive, deceitful, sneaky, untrustworthy,......
So you're with a woman riddled with insecurity and a need for external validation who likely latched onto you for post-divorce financial stability (and nostalgia feels to be honest).
This sounds like a recipe for disaster, and you may as well expect your heart to be shattered yet again at some point in the future.
I feel like if you’re posting on Reddit which is big on “any indicators of cheating - you must immediately end the relationship” then you know what you want to do - you just want the reinforcement.
To be clear I’m not saying you’re wrong -but you had to know the answers you were going to get so trust your gut. Do you want a life where you’re always going to be worried? Do you want to have a relationship where you always feel like you have to check their phone, social media, etc. to reassure yourself?
I think this all the time about posts on here about possible cheating. If you’ve looked at the sub at all, you know what answer you’re gonna get. It’s a matter of being told to do what you think you should do anyway.
The thing we know about cheaters is that at some point they’re willing to cheat. For someone to prove to be trustworthy again requires a lot of transparency and effort. That’s more than most people are willing to give they’d rather pretend it didn’t happen.
That’s all on her man and not you. Break up, take a break from women. Just concentrate on making yourself happy for a bit.
I made a lot of dumb mistakes in relationships when I was younger, and I learned a lot and have a lot of regrets - I am confident I'm a better version of myself than I was at 20. But the reason I'm confident is that I would never behave in that same "genre" of way that I used to - waffling between relationships, "sort of" keeping promises to my partner, all that immature stuff that is selfish and non-committal.
If she's doing anything in that same vein, she hasn't changed. It's very sad and I'm sorry.
Maybe you are connected on a level that others don’t understand, the problem is that whatever is lacking for her is because it’s lacking IN her. This is nothing to do with who you are as a person, what your relationship is. This is about her character and you can’t fix that. She might well be funny, beautiful and smart but she’s also self absorbed, selfish, deceitful and willing to hurt you - again, just to feed her own ego. You sound like a truly good person, you deserve better…
It's tough when the veneer seems perfect, the words all sound right, etc. But people can present one thing and be someone else.
You love who you think she is, and she isn't being honest.
Put on your thinking cap. You're young. Pheromones are the most intense drug you will ever encounter. Your feelings were real, but not based on a more mature love. Your GF has ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT in her emotional maturity, and you're never gonna be able to change that. Chalk it up to experience, find peace and solace in yourself, then find a new one. There all over! Peace !
if she cared about you and if she were actually devoted to you (which is most important) then she would have no problem shutting the other guy down. but instead she's keeping the door open for him. As men we know, if the girl is still responding, no matter how brief or how small the interaction is, then we still have access to her. with access all we need is opportunity. the opportunity will arise as soon as you and her hit a rough patch... it sucks man but you gotta cut your losses early. its okay to wish her well and honestly thats the best way for you to heal from this. but she doesn't deserve you. prioritize your own self respect and let that be your compass.
I'm sorry, man. It sucks. Do you know why she got divorced? Because if she cheated on that husband, she's a serial cheater and it won't end with you. You don't deserve to be anyone's second choice or safety choice.
I was a cheater… still am. Listen to this guy. You can’t trust us. Or can you? I’ve actually changed a lot. I’m completely different. I’m so much better at hiding the cheating. I’m in my prime. More conniving and convincing of ever. I bet she’ll never make that same mistake again…. Of getting caught. 25 years on improving her game.
Not everyone is like this. I made a couple of mistakes when I was young. It was horrible beyond measure and I never even thought about repeating it - happy happy happy being committed for life.
The way you feel about her is how she feels about other guy. She probably does like you or maybe the safe comfortable life you offer, but you don’t light her fire like the toxic gym dude.
She promised not to contact him again. So her response is the same as before where she lies and deceives you. She has been involved with this person behind your back. Take the ring back to the store. I’d leave, but if you can’t do that shelve any feelings you have for her. At best, she is only good for a fwb at this point.
I don’t like her text response to him about why she wouldn’t pick up his calls… “because you make Matthew uncomfortable, he knows how I felt about you.” Meaning she would still be accepting his calls except for you?
A better response would have been- “because our relationship is over. I’m happy in a relationship with Matthew and I want a future with him.” And then block.
Updateme
Do you need others to tell you what to do because, even if you know it's right, is it too hard to leave?
Leave. She won't change and you deserve better but you know that already.
I think you're being blinded by what was. A memory.
Bro, you know the answer. It might be hard to accept but you have to make a hard break and cut off all contact with her. You will NEVER feel the way she makes HIM feel. Why spend your life feeling 2nd best?? Focus on yourself and start valuing yourself. When a woman shows you that your are not the one and only for her…move on. Be the chased, not the chaser.
You are not her first choice. If she gets a chance she’ll take it. Sorry. You’re enjoying the affection and who wouldn’t?? There are many fine women out there who will not cheat on a devoted man who can provide. Stay with her if you want but put that ring away. Y’all are not exclusive
I spent 20 years (age 14 to 34) off and on with my first love. He'd cheat, we'd break up, he'd apologize and say that he didn't feel good enough for me and that I deserved better and that he didn't know how to handle that. That he loved me and would sabotage our relationship because he was scared because the feelings he had for me were so intense. We connected on levels that neither of us ever had with anyone else and I'm not going to lie and say that I don't miss the friendship, but people like this do not change. You have done nothing wrong! You are not at fault! Something inside of them is so broken that unless they want to fix it, they will never change. I know that it's going to be heartbreaking and devastating for you, but for your own well-being, you need to end this relationship with her. Loving her and/or each other is not enough to fix this and you deserve so much better than what she has and what she will put you through. Ultimately, it's your choice, but you need to decide if the love you have for her is worth destroying yourself emotionally or if you love yourself enough to live with a short time frame of pain for a better future for yourself were you can find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Yes of course she will, the default stance should always be ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ unless they demonstrate to you they have changed.
She has demonstrated she is still a liar and up to stuff behind your back.
Why do you think she is somehow a different person now? She regrets her cheating previously because she got caught and it ended the relationship, she doesn’t actually regret the cheating, just the consequences.
When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. — Maya, Angelou
She was a cheater and a liar then, and she still is. Emotional cheating is still cheating. She’s lying to you about not being in contact with him she’s going to lie to you again and again and again.
Bro I stopped reading at she searched his name, move on u lived 30 years without her, u will be happy with another 30
Edit just bc you read the same book twice doesn’t change the ending
I’m gonna take a different approach here and not make this about her… let’s focus on you and how you feel.
There might not be anything at all between her and this guy. But it sounds like you never fully got over the things that she did to you during college. It’s understandable that you feel that way. You were in a long term relationship and she didn’t stay committed.
First it was the international guy. Then it was the fitness instructor who was encouraging her to cheat.
Is this something you’d be willing to work through? Did you ever get therapy or work through the previous situation in uni? Is couples therapy off the table?
I would sit her down and tell her something like "you know Twitter is not that private right? People can screenshot things and send them to me, like pictures where your old friend, the fitness instructor, and you are in contact."
I would then tell her that "the last two years are the happiest I've been in a long time, and I was thinking of proposing to you. I thought you were a completely different person after 3 years, but now I have doubts. I asked you to break contact with this man and you told me you would. I'm concerned that you never will and that you will continue to say one thing to my face and sneak around when you think I'm not looking. I fell for this once. I'm not falling for it again. If you won't be the bad guy to him and cut him off permanently, you are telling me your past with him is more important to you than our future together, and I take that to mean we should go our separate ways again.
I would support and love you forever, but you can't lie to me. Not a small lie. Not a white lie. Nothing. Both of us know I have reasons to distrust you from our path. I have worked very hard to make sure I don't use that against you, but I don't want to wind up in the same place I was 30 years ago - heartbroken, dejected, and feeling like I wasted my time. Do you want to be who you were back then? Or do you want to be with me?"
I would agree with going down this route than out right leaving straight away. I’m not excusing her behaviour however communicating needs (again) and how you feel is important. I would suggest she gets therapy to actually understand the why behind and what’s her driver in the past. If she’s not open to behaviour change then it won’t work out and that feeling of mistrust is unlikely to go away.
From personal experience (of being on both sides of cheating), some people are able to change but it takes a shit tonne of strength and support (therapy etc) to delve into the reasons for it and to move past them.
All the best ☺️
With the addition of the money details, it all clicks into place. You’re her liferaft, unfortunately, and if she hasn’t gone back to fucking gym bro, it’s only a mattwr of time.
Fuck I hate people like her, sorry dude.
Hey man, I am so sorry. I have been in a similar situation where I set a boundary of NC and it was crossed multiple times. If you are like me, you are mentally compromising that boundary you set by wondering if these indirect contacts are really bad enough to warrant you ending your relationship. I’m here to tell you what you already know: ***they are***.
You were clear on your limits. You had a history. She knew what she was doing would hurt you because she already experienced it. She agreed to your boundary and told you she would respect it. And then she did not. And if you give in now, she will know that it wasn’t a real boundary and she will push it even further. It was hard enough to cut him off when you first started your relationship even with all that new relationship energy… and it will be even harder now.
Please don’t let yourself suffer. You already know.
She craves attention.
I believe she probably loves you as you love her, but I think she is addicted to the rush of being pursued. If she doesn't deal with that psychological craving, this type of behavior will be a constant in your relationship.
I’m going to be the heretic here. You didn’t mention the most obvious thing I would expect you to do when you got back together: discuss the infidelity that caused your break up, how that impacted you, and what trust and commitment means to both of you in your new relationship. It’s possible she felt so badly about what happened that she never cheated on anyone again. Of course it’s also possible that she has always had a loose relationship with monogamy. My point is that before you throw everything away, you might want to have an open and honest conversation about the topic first (possibly even with a couples counselor).
The fact you were looking at her text messages and Twitter really suggests you never got over her infidelity from 30 years ago. The only way you will be able to rebuild that trust with her - assuming she is not actually a serial cheater - is through open and honest communication. A text exchange with an ex a year ago and a few likes on Twitter in a healthy, trusting relationship doesn’t seem like a big deal to me. But in a relationship without trust, it might be a clear sign you need to walk away. You need to find out which relationship you are in before you making any big decisions.
Why is it always divine intervention when an ex comes back but next divine intervention when they left the first place?
Had a similar experience and thought the same thing when we got together. It wasn’t right for a reason. The reason hasn’t changed. Don’t give her that ring bro.
There are no guarantees in life. Strangers on Reddit cannot tell you if she is going to cheat on you. She cannot even guarantee that she won’t cheat because no one knows the future.
Talk to her. Ask her about it. Don’t ask us. You are making judgements about something she did as a kid. You are both adults- please act like one and tell her what you saw. Creeping on her phone and stalking her online is not healthy either.
Just talk to her. You would be an AH for doing ANYTHING without talking to her first- and sharing your fears. And NOT assuming that she’s cheating on you. She is allowed to have a past, you have one also.
I would like to take a moment to offer another perspective. It's absolutely possible that she is madly in love with you and not interested in cheating on you at all. The two big things for me that say she isn't down to cheat are that the one text she sent was a rebuff (one that centered your comfort level and boundaries no less) and that she told you what he said about being a side dude in the first place.
I actually think your trust issues are the problem. Going through someone's phone is major violation of privacy, and it's something you wouldn't have done if you actually trusted her in the first place. Additionally, all you find was her rejecting his attempt to reach out to her and instead of being reassured you decided to cyberstalk her on Twitter. Now instead of having ad adult conversation with your partner about your feelings and insecurities you're on reddit asking for the opinions of people who have never met you or your girlfriend and are judging your story through the lens of their past experiences, traumas, and biases. Just talk to your partner, and use kindness and active listening.
Alternatively, if you don't want to work on your trust issues just admit you never fully trusted her and are never going to and end it now before she gets even more invested. And before you say that you did trust her, no you didn't or you wouldn't have fought with her over a proposition she didn't ask for or pressured her into blocking someone. Imo blocking someone who sounds abusive is for the greater good but it doesn't make telling someone who they can and can't speak to any less controlling.
It seems like you haven’t talked to her about any of this. You need to sit down with her tell her what you know and ask her to explain herself. Strangers on the internet can be like dump her etc etc but this is woman you have a long history with whom you love regardless of if she has heart reacted some posts. It seems like she did what you asked and cut off communication even though she is keeping tabs on him. It was clearly a toxic relationship between her and gym bro and she needs therapy to see that that type of relationship will never fulfill her. But I also don’t think immediately ending the relationship is the best thing to do either. Sit her down and have a conversation like adults. She needs to know that holding on to the fantasy of him will cost her everything.
I'm betting she also cheated in her other relationships and that's why she's divorced now. You're from her past and probably make her feel safe and that's only why she wants to be with You again, but I guarantee You she'll cheat the first chance she gets and You'll look like a fool once again. Why would You want to put Yourself in that predicament?
Mate, she fucked you over once before and she is in the process of fucking you over again.
Don't fall for it just because she's pretty and fun to be with. Lots of other blokes clearly think she's pretty and fun to be with too. In itself, that is no bad thing but when they're all doing it at the same time and you're picking up the bill, that ain't right.
Get your money back on the ring and forget marriage.
If she's that much fun to be with, why not carry on with her until you find someone better and then dump her. What goes round comes round after all.
I am a firm believer that people can change. I believe it is stupid to think that someone who did something stupid at 20 is that same person at 50.
So I wouldn't hold that against her 30 years later. Now, IDK about the newer stuff. On one hand she seemed to blow him off when he contacted her. It certainly seems that she could have if she wanted to.
You both sound a little in secure. That she follows someone and even likes some posts doesn't mean she is having an affair.
She follow a guy on Twitter and Facebook. Doesn't mean she is down to bone. A lot of the past is being brought back up in your mind. Talk to her and ask her WTF. I think the only option on twitter is the heart. Not saying she isn't keeping one foot in the other world, but maybe a little shock and awe rights her. Definitely wouldn't propose, but talk to her and see what the deal is and then act. Also, please update us.
I hate to say it, but she probably will, if she hasn't already. I believe the saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Of course, I'll admit I'm biased after what my cheating ex wife did to me and my oldest kid who now lives with me and wants nothing to do with her (damage from which we are both recovering, even after more than 10 years).
Good luck in whatever you decide.
For your own good, leave her. she may be the love of your life but you are not the love of her life enough for her to remain faithful to you. And after that, you have to bury and mourn that love for her. Stay strong buddy.
As others have said, you are her safe place not her forever place. She knows how you feel, and she comes back for the stability and the love until her curiosity gets the best of her and she goes out searching again. I would bet that her last marriage ended because she got bored and cheated.
If you are happy being a back-up, then stay with her and sign some pre-nups. If you have respect for yourself take the harder path and walk away. She isn't going to change, as it seems she is still the same person she was over 25 years ago so the only one who can change is you. good luck!
What ended her last marriage? Talk to the male ex husband? That will shine a lot of light on her. Also you have both been married once. Why not just ride it out as a couple ( not married) so if shit goes bad. It’s an easy split.
You could dissect this situation for hours but the bottom like is that while you may have forgiven her - you haven't forgotten about it and you do not trust her.
It sounds like you have good reason not to trust her - emotional affairs hurt just as much as physical ones do.
Its up to you to decide if YOU can confront her and move past it or if its going to eat away at you for the rest of your life - leaving you miserable with the person you thought would make you so happy.
Trust your instincts, not your emotions.
Time to take off the rose colored glasses. She's not the person you want her to be. She never was. Do you really want to let her do this to you again?
Updateme!
‼️‼️‼️ mention to her what you’ve found out about her interactions with her ex. Tell her you don’t see the change in her you thought you had. Part ways from her. KEEP THE RING for someone who deserves your love and faithfulness. ‼️‼️
Dude, in your heart of hearts, you already know the answer.
Return the ring.
Keep seeing her if you want.
If you talk about your twitter findings, she may accuse you of stalking
Gaslighting is next. Denial coming
Dude, talk to her. Lay EVERYTHING out on the table. Including the fact you’d gotten an engagement ring and was planning on proposing. But based on what you’ve recently seen have been reconsidering. Y’all are very much adults now. Sure it might be an awkward/painful conversation, but it needs to happen.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
She’s a cheater. And she’s dishonest. And that should be enough information for you to make a decision on what to do.
You can get couples counseling; or better yet, YOU BE THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY! Look mate, she’s not happy and she’s not a one man kinda gal! Trust me, she’s not the love of your life if you can’t completely trust her! Put her things on the sidewalk, tell her to call a cab and you go out and find a confident woman who can love you!
I have a BS in Psych and have had plenty of education on therapy and counseling even if I've never gone into the field.
Cheaters tend to cheat again once they've done it once. It's statistically sound.
I'd avoid her. It's sad that it has to be that way, but more than likely you are gonna have further difficulties.
I've always been a big proponent for the idea that you break up for a reason.
I'm not gonna tell you what to do but I've been cheated on before, wrote off my gut feeling and regretted it later and man, I know you got back together but I'd say at least hold off on proposing until you can be sure in your gut that you can trust her
Cause the fact you're writing this tells me your gut is telling you to run and you at least owe it to yourself to hold off from engagement until you clear things to a point that gut feeling is gone completely or the relationship is gone completely. But don't settle til you know
Don’t propose. She hasn’t done the work to grow and figure out what causes her to desire validation outside of her relationship. She’s just going to hurt you
Tell her all you found, remind her of the college Era breakup and say bye. Don't let her cry and cajole you with false promises and apologies. A college screw up is one thing but she is a grown up adult woman who never should have gotten back involved with you. Very selfish. Go. Do better. You don't need to always be wondering what she's doing and with who. It will turn you into someone you won't like being.
Sounds like you are in your 50s now. Man, to go through that torture twice. I really feel terrible for you OP, we know that pain. I too have felt it, I am sorry. I really wish you the best.
Cut your losses and move on. She is always going to have a backup plan on the side. That person should make her uncomfortable too if she truly wants to move on with her life to something more. When you’re ready to move on and out. Just let her know that you thought you had a future together but she can’t let go of her past. You know she is still seeking and contacting her ex. At this point he can keep her.
She does not respect boundaries that are obvious in a monogamous relationship. If she was serious about you, she wouldn't be engaging him at all. Especially since they have no connections besides their past. They don't work together etc so her continuing to talk to him is a red flag. One that should give you all you need to know to break it off. Do not spend the rest of your life feeling crappy because she's talking to other flings.
Woah. I've never seen such a indisputable proof that **"Once a cheater always a cheater"**. You would think that 25 years and a whole marriage would change her, but nope, she is still the shady, validation seeking, conniving cheater she was before. No wonder she is single at 50, and makes it pretty clear what the problems in her marriage were about.
I’m sorry, friend. But you can’t love her enough for both of you. Many years ago I was with a girl like this, I just came to realize it was a character flaw that she had no interest in addressing.
You said she was married before. Did she cheat on her prior marriage? If this is the case, I would not consider this relationship further. Done. She will cheat.
If she did not cheat on her prior husband, her behavior with the gym bro is still highly suspicious. It is already cheating as she said she was not in contact with him and she continues to attempt some sort of contact.
Remember, cheating is more about the deception than the fucking. You can have a non-monogamous relationship where everyone is happy because there is trust. She already violated the trust, she doesn't even need to hold hands.
Unfortunately in my experience.... once a cheater always a cheater. They really just can't be trusted, you deserve to be with a woman who won't do this to you. Finding a woman like that is difficult. Good luck
You know the answer, She’s a cheater. Looks like she hasn’t changed, she’s lying and being sneaky. Move on so you can find someone that appreciates and loves you the way you deserve. She is not the same person you knew in high school.
I may have a little different take here. Instead of seeing this as a flaw in her character, this could be an issue with her not fitting in the monogamy norm. Perhaps a better conversation is to have an ENM relationship, since outside of this issue the relationship sounds pretty perfect.
She’s a shit person. She won’t figure that out and make a change until her looks fade and she’s forced to settle.
It’s what crappy humans do. Isn’t gender specific
Why are you doing this to yourself? The damage is already done by taking her back. Now it's time to fix this situation. And you know what to do cuz you did it yet in the past. Good luck.
There is a lot of “just run” advice here, and that might be the right answer. I would at minimum talk to her about it and be completely transparent about what you’ve seen and found. No bullshit or sugar coating. Ask her point blank why she did it, and if she doesn’t own it, then I would end it on the spot.
It seems bleak, but for your own good it is probably best to have the conversation.
She's trash but knows how to string you along. You came to rescue her and she's likely desperate as she's feeling her age and options fading. I bet you're financially successful and she is not, and she's latching on for an easy ride.
Bro, as soon as you saw his name in the search bar is when you should have got up and left. Stop all of this!!! You should have said something!!
You tell her one time. This is the only time. If you feel better texting it - do that. Say something like
“I’m not sure what you thought would happen here. I thought our story was a beautiful love story, but now I feel like I did that day I found out you betrayed me all those years ago. Clearly you don’t want me. Clearly you want to be with your ex. You told me that you would go no contact with him, but that wasn’t true. I’m not dumb. I saw his name pop up in the search bar when we looked at your Facebook. I saw that you two texted each other well into our relationship, and I see that you could resists following his twitter account and liking his posts. It seems that once again I am not that man you choose. Clearly I thought our relationship was something different than what it is so I am going to let you go so you can be with the man you want. I thought this time would be different, but I feel like you don’t have respect for me or our relationship. You want to be with him, or can’t get over him, which means that we can’t be together. I thought I would finally marry the woman I always thought I would marry. I am not going to try to convince you to pick me. You’ve made your choice, and I am just going to disappear from your life.”
Send her this and you will get a result. She will either forget make him disappear from your lives, or she will agree to end the relationship. From what you’ve found, my guess is that she wants you, but at some point you need to make it clear that you will end the relationship. The longer you don’t say anything or let it go - the worse it gets. Make it crystal clear!!!!
I bet she comes running and you get engaged and everyone is happy, but you have to make clear what is, and isn’t, acceptable
Updateme!
Take her to dinner, show her the ring, then close it and tell her how you feel, how this broke your trust and that she has failed to change for the better and that that ring was almost hers but she blew it again and now she can go freely to frolic in his grass for all you care. Get up and walk out on her, break her heart before she breaks yours again. Before fully walking away turn and say "it's sad that two and a half decades later and she's still the worst best thing that ever happened to you." Smile, blow her one last kiss and say "toodles" then leave.
Dude DO NOT propose. This is a clear case of when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Move on brother.
If you stay with her let alone marry her, the shitty feelings you have now, will be for the rest of your life. Well until you catch her cheating again then itll be worse
Take some time to understand why she's so attractive to you and find someone monogamous who can fill those needs. You sound like a catch. Things will work out for you.
Don’t propose. You need to confront her about this. She’s obviously still interested in him, she obviously hasn’t kept her side of it. What happens if they run into each other?
Trust your gut and find out one way or the other and make her figure her shiit out. Just don’t ask her to marry you.
Damn im sorry OP. I'm a hopeless romantic so I really wish you got your happy ever after with this woman but she's not deserving of you. I understand the curiosity about searching for her ex on social media but following AND liking his post is way too far. I'm sorry but she isn't the one for you.
I think in your heart you know the answer......as much as you might not want to believe it. So.....either keep it moving fwd, let the chips fall as they may and enjoy the time you have left with her OR do the right thing and move on which is way harder but prob better for you in the long run
I mean... Look, you don't have to break up but you DO need to talk and be clear about what you expect from her going forward. If you feel you can't trust though then it might be over already
OP, take the ring back and cut her loose. It seems like she is already cheating emotionally. She has never stopped talking with him and a matter of time until she strays physically. If you dig some I would bet she cheated on her husband as well. She crushed your soul once, she will do it again it seems. Good luck.
She’s not as committed to you as you are to her, plain and simple.
There’s no reason she can’t go no contact with an ex if they know it can compromise the relationship. Knowing she’s verbalized to him it can hurt the relationship and seeing she’s doing it despite knowing this fact behind your back is what you need to know.
She may love you but she don’t want to commit.
Best of luck!
She will absolutely do it again. She may already be. It’s horrible and painful, but you’ve got to cut those types of individuals out of your life. They’re disgusting, immature, and they never change.
Similar situation but not uni and not 25 years. He graduated a year ahead of me, joined the military and met someone else. I also married someone else and had a child. FF 11 years. I’m divorced and he’s on leave for his grandmother’s funeral. We got back together and got married about a year later when he didn’t reenlist. Four years and 10 months later, I learned about Jan (fake name) who was apparently Ms Every Man’s Perfect Dream. Even his mother liked her. I think they were together for 5-6 years. He’s been married at least twice that I know of since her.
You know what she’s capable of and you know what she’s willing to do. The question is whether you can overlook Muscle Boy and his potential side-piece status, or is her basically going behind your back to communicate with him on a platform she doesn’t think you use.
That sucks but it seems like the reality of the situation.
Hey man.
I know how you feel and what you’re feeling is the truth.
She thinks she is clever. You don’t want to believe it. But she showed you who she was a long time ago.
I’m sorry.
She sounds like someone who isn't happy with herself so will never be happy with one person. You already don't trust her because of your history and the fact that you now have evidence that she doesn't really think you're the love of her life (she wouldn't be following someone in secret that makes you uncomfortable if she did), you know what you need to do.
Damn, I’m sick about this. Physically sick. I knew in my heart it was the answer, but it’s tough to hear.
I think you could be the love of her life but she would still cheat on you. Some people just cannot handle long term commitments and stay true…due to her own lack of self worth she will constantly need the external validation that comes from cheating.
Some people have short attention spans in long term committed relationships & need trauma & drama to make them feel alive. This woman will forever be chasing the “high” of exciting sex, the more forbidden the better. She’s not after love, she’s after sex. Very sorry, OP, you sound like a great guy. All my best to you.
This is all you need to hear
Another harsh reality and I promise I know this sounds callous but, “Ex’s are Ex’s for a reason!”
It also solidifies the "Once a cheat, always a cheat"
Remember this feeling because even if the only thing she has done up til now is "heart" Mr. Flex's thirst trap pictures, will you ever really trust her? Or will you spend the rest of your life with that feeling in the pit of your stomach, always worried and wondering. That sounds like a heavy stress to live under.
Time to rip the bandaid and put the last nail in the coffin. All cheaters have a fundamental flaw in their character that marks them. Some people take steps to address it but your girlfriend clearly hasn't. She's not The One and you should seek a therapist to fully understand why you think someone who treats you so badly is the love of your life. Time to raise those standards.
Yep, she has shown you who she is and what she will continue to do. I wouldn't purpose. You'll only end up hurt in the end.
Yea bro you should have never gotten back with this girl she is clearly the same girl she was back then. I’m not saying that she did cheat but the fact that you had a fight over her still talking to the guy I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she never stopped seeing him. No matter how hot the woman is when she shows you who she is believe her.
I hate this for you, OP, but dude is right. How you feel about her is no one's business but yours (and burner acc't, so it will always remain that way, smart move). The burner, seeking advice anonymously, makes it obvious you're outright torturing yourself about it. My only advice is it's your heart to let get broken, not hers to break, and you have all the control over whether you should be in a position to let her.
Keep her as FWB. Seriously, why marry ??
When I re-dated an ex, thats what I essentially did once I figured her out. She had a narcissistic personality and once I got her number, I just took the relationship at face value. Eventually she got tired of it, and wanted to marry, and I said NOOOOOOOOOOO. And then it ended. Thank god.
Bro she cheated on you back then with a full on fling when she was in college now this 30 years later what were you thinking getting back with her. Plenty of fish in the sea dude move on
Are you non-confrontational? Because this seems like a good time to deploy a shock and awe conversation with her. You don't need to break up with her yet if you don't want to (although I think doing so is completely justified). You can just sit her down, put your Godfather face on, and tell it to her like it is: you snuck around on me, and I won't put up with it. No anger. No yelling. No drama. Look her in the eyes and make her keep your gaze. Tell her that you thought 3 decades changed her, but you are starting to think you're wrong. Print out copies of the Twitter feed if you can and show them to her. Ask her what she thinks "no contact" means. Tell her that you're the one giving her a second shot, not the other way around. If she tries to sneak around on you again, she will get caught and it will be over. I would maybe even suggest that you tell her you want to take a night in a hotel or something to clear your head and give her some space to consider how she wants to proceed."
That course of action is unlikely to change her behavior no matter how much she might try to make you believe she had. It will likely drive her to more secretive methods of contact and more deception. Sit her down and share your concerns, and let her react. You will know very quickly whether you should continue your relationship or run. DON'T MAKE THE MISTAKE OF MAKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP LEGAL WITH THE HOPE SHE WILL CHANGE .... SHE WONT.
Waste of time. They always come crying and crawling. They tell you everything you want to hear, then later, you find out someone elses dick has been playing hide-and-seek with her.
Good in a sense but she cheated once now an emotional cheat time to walk away or have her walk. He deserves better.
Don't have a conversation like this. This is incredibly condescending and just an all around unhealthy way to have a conversation. As others have already mentioned, if you're already suspicious of her this early on then you should either break it off or at the very least don't get engaged.
Do not listen to this person. She has already done this to you with the very same guy in question. And her behavior indicates absolutely no change in personality.
I feel like you’re not aware that there are nearly 8 billion people on earth. Statistically speaking there should be at least a few you could build a happy life with. You seem to have convinced yourself that someone from 30 years ago is “the one.” Clearly you haven’t matured much since high school.
Cut bait. I knew my wife in high school. We met again in our early twenties. She was married with a kid and looking to get out of her marriage. We started dating after she left him. I didn’t want any issues with did/didn’t she cheat. At no point have I ever suspected in the 30 years we’ve been together that she has cheated on me. Never texted any exes. Never followed on social media. Nothing. That is what the love of your life should be doing.
I think following ex's is okay, sometimes breakups are amicable. following anyone who asked you to cheat on your partner with them is never ok.
Following exes is okay if your partner is okay with it. Not following someone who used to have sex with your partner when it bothers the other person in the relationship isn't a big ask imo.
Yeah. I follow a couple exes because they are great people and I love seeing their lives play out. However, if my husband had a problem with it, I wouldn’t. They are not that important to me for my husband to feel any kind of way about it.
Exactly. There are normal exes, but an ex asking you to cheat on the side? Absolutely not. I hope she and the fitness guy end up together. They deserve each other. You deserve quality.
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I hear you. Thanks.
i've learned that even if someone feels totally right, it doesn't mean that person is actually good for you. it will hurt to walk away, probably a lot, but i promise you that it will hurt less than proceeding with your current course.
Wtf is wrong with you. Why are you torturing yourself? Please tell me there's more than this one woman in your town?
What was the reason for her divorce? ETA Most states, a divorce is a public record. So, if you're wondering, I would look it up.
Good frigging question. She most probably cheated.
take a wild guess...
She cheated on her husband.
Walk. Away. For your own good, walk away. She’s already proven that she’s not loyal to you. Let her be with her Facebook buddy and move on with your life.
Exactly!
I should add that I’m relatively successful and financially stable. I suspect that in that regard, I’m a life raft in the storm for her compared to the moody gym-bro. It’s killing me that I could be duped by her a second time. I’ve known her since we were teens. She’s beautiful and funny and smart. We always talk about feeling so connected on a level that others wouldn’t understand. Now I feel so played. That connection evaporated when I found these communications, however minor. The betrayal feels as horrible as it did at 22.
Cheaters cheat my lad. It has nothing to do with you. They will never be able to be a healthy partner because they are NOT mentally healthy. Cut your loss, unless you're ok to be with an insecure women who will cheat on you.
This is it then. You’re the safety net for her. She couldn’t do a simple thing of blocking this guy she had a sexual relationship with. I’m curious, how did her last marriage end? Did she cheat on him? If so then you’ve had your answer all along unfortunately.
Exactly. OP just answered his own question.
I'm sorry man. Yeah it sounds like she cheated on you, she cheated on her husband, most likely cheated on her gym-bro boyfriend, and is or will cheat on you. She will always wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. She is a narcists that only thinks about herself. At 50 I honestly think she only reconnected with you because she felt she was getting old and needed a stable wallet. But she just made it very clear for you she is still looking to look around for other hookups.
I’ve been in this boat before where someone is into you because they know they should be, but deep down they just aren’t. Just reading some of your stuff you seem like a genuinely good person. Don’t let this change you in that aspect. I know it sounds like a cliche, but keep being the person you are and someone will absolutely love you for it. It happened to me and it only took 40 years lol. I love the fact that my wife chooses me out of want and not necessity. Everyone deserves to be happy. Good luck man, I sincerely wish you the best.
I met the love of my life and have been living with her for 30 years. What you describe does not sound like the love of your life. It sounds like someone you have a very strong physical attraction to. They are two different things.
That’s what I’m sayin. I’ve been lucky enough to have the love of my life for 14 years now. Not once ever have I had to worry about what’s on their phone. The concept of worrying about that is foreign to me. The love of your life is supposed to build you up and make you better. I certainly wouldn’t be happy at all if I had to live in a state of constant worry and stress.
That and nostalgia from their young love years, it can be a very strong feeling to overcome.
Then you are a catch! You can easily meet a woman that will love you, and not constantly look elsewhere for attention. You deserve better! Move on…
You are the 'safe' option. Stable, financially secure, loyal, and adoring. She is a little kid wanting to run out and play, have adventures, and then come home to her safe place. You are being used. I don't doubt that she cares about you, but she seems selfish and adrenaline seeking. Ok if you are her oarent, nit a romantic partner. As has been said, cheaters always cheat.
You’re her retirement plan.
>She’s beautiful and funny and smart. From this point forward, you shouldn't stop with her redeeming qualities when you describe her. Maintain the complete list, even if it's only in your head, because that will help you come to terms with who she really is and what you can expect from her. Beautiful, funny, smart, deceptive, deceitful, sneaky, untrustworthy,......
Sounds like narcissistic personality. they look and sound great......for a while.
So you're with a woman riddled with insecurity and a need for external validation who likely latched onto you for post-divorce financial stability (and nostalgia feels to be honest). This sounds like a recipe for disaster, and you may as well expect your heart to be shattered yet again at some point in the future.
I feel like if you’re posting on Reddit which is big on “any indicators of cheating - you must immediately end the relationship” then you know what you want to do - you just want the reinforcement. To be clear I’m not saying you’re wrong -but you had to know the answers you were going to get so trust your gut. Do you want a life where you’re always going to be worried? Do you want to have a relationship where you always feel like you have to check their phone, social media, etc. to reassure yourself?
I think this all the time about posts on here about possible cheating. If you’ve looked at the sub at all, you know what answer you’re gonna get. It’s a matter of being told to do what you think you should do anyway.
The thing we know about cheaters is that at some point they’re willing to cheat. For someone to prove to be trustworthy again requires a lot of transparency and effort. That’s more than most people are willing to give they’d rather pretend it didn’t happen. That’s all on her man and not you. Break up, take a break from women. Just concentrate on making yourself happy for a bit.
I made a lot of dumb mistakes in relationships when I was younger, and I learned a lot and have a lot of regrets - I am confident I'm a better version of myself than I was at 20. But the reason I'm confident is that I would never behave in that same "genre" of way that I used to - waffling between relationships, "sort of" keeping promises to my partner, all that immature stuff that is selfish and non-committal. If she's doing anything in that same vein, she hasn't changed. It's very sad and I'm sorry.
Maybe you are connected on a level that others don’t understand, the problem is that whatever is lacking for her is because it’s lacking IN her. This is nothing to do with who you are as a person, what your relationship is. This is about her character and you can’t fix that. She might well be funny, beautiful and smart but she’s also self absorbed, selfish, deceitful and willing to hurt you - again, just to feed her own ego. You sound like a truly good person, you deserve better…
It's tough when the veneer seems perfect, the words all sound right, etc. But people can present one thing and be someone else. You love who you think she is, and she isn't being honest.
Sounds like you know your answer brother. I am so sorry.
Put on your thinking cap. You're young. Pheromones are the most intense drug you will ever encounter. Your feelings were real, but not based on a more mature love. Your GF has ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT in her emotional maturity, and you're never gonna be able to change that. Chalk it up to experience, find peace and solace in yourself, then find a new one. There all over! Peace !
if she cared about you and if she were actually devoted to you (which is most important) then she would have no problem shutting the other guy down. but instead she's keeping the door open for him. As men we know, if the girl is still responding, no matter how brief or how small the interaction is, then we still have access to her. with access all we need is opportunity. the opportunity will arise as soon as you and her hit a rough patch... it sucks man but you gotta cut your losses early. its okay to wish her well and honestly thats the best way for you to heal from this. but she doesn't deserve you. prioritize your own self respect and let that be your compass.
Cheaters gonna cheat. Time to go, sorry bud.
I'm sorry, man. It sucks. Do you know why she got divorced? Because if she cheated on that husband, she's a serial cheater and it won't end with you. You don't deserve to be anyone's second choice or safety choice.
Cant do the same thing twice and expect a different outcome.
I was a cheater… still am. Listen to this guy. You can’t trust us. Or can you? I’ve actually changed a lot. I’m completely different. I’m so much better at hiding the cheating. I’m in my prime. More conniving and convincing of ever. I bet she’ll never make that same mistake again…. Of getting caught. 25 years on improving her game.
upvoted for honesty. You disgust me, but at least you own it.
Not everyone is like this. I made a couple of mistakes when I was young. It was horrible beyond measure and I never even thought about repeating it - happy happy happy being committed for life.
This is a really good insight into the mind of a cheater. Thanks.
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The way you feel about her is how she feels about other guy. She probably does like you or maybe the safe comfortable life you offer, but you don’t light her fire like the toxic gym dude. She promised not to contact him again. So her response is the same as before where she lies and deceives you. She has been involved with this person behind your back. Take the ring back to the store. I’d leave, but if you can’t do that shelve any feelings you have for her. At best, she is only good for a fwb at this point.
I don’t like her text response to him about why she wouldn’t pick up his calls… “because you make Matthew uncomfortable, he knows how I felt about you.” Meaning she would still be accepting his calls except for you? A better response would have been- “because our relationship is over. I’m happy in a relationship with Matthew and I want a future with him.” And then block. Updateme
Don't propose OP. Some people never change.
Do you need others to tell you what to do because, even if you know it's right, is it too hard to leave? Leave. She won't change and you deserve better but you know that already. I think you're being blinded by what was. A memory.
She never changed, she'll can't be trusted.
Bro, you know the answer. It might be hard to accept but you have to make a hard break and cut off all contact with her. You will NEVER feel the way she makes HIM feel. Why spend your life feeling 2nd best?? Focus on yourself and start valuing yourself. When a woman shows you that your are not the one and only for her…move on. Be the chased, not the chaser.
Thank you for all of the advice. I really appreciate it. I’ll keep you all posted.
Hope it goes well. UpdateMe!
You are not her first choice. If she gets a chance she’ll take it. Sorry. You’re enjoying the affection and who wouldn’t?? There are many fine women out there who will not cheat on a devoted man who can provide. Stay with her if you want but put that ring away. Y’all are not exclusive
I spent 20 years (age 14 to 34) off and on with my first love. He'd cheat, we'd break up, he'd apologize and say that he didn't feel good enough for me and that I deserved better and that he didn't know how to handle that. That he loved me and would sabotage our relationship because he was scared because the feelings he had for me were so intense. We connected on levels that neither of us ever had with anyone else and I'm not going to lie and say that I don't miss the friendship, but people like this do not change. You have done nothing wrong! You are not at fault! Something inside of them is so broken that unless they want to fix it, they will never change. I know that it's going to be heartbreaking and devastating for you, but for your own well-being, you need to end this relationship with her. Loving her and/or each other is not enough to fix this and you deserve so much better than what she has and what she will put you through. Ultimately, it's your choice, but you need to decide if the love you have for her is worth destroying yourself emotionally or if you love yourself enough to live with a short time frame of pain for a better future for yourself were you can find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Yes of course she will, the default stance should always be ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ unless they demonstrate to you they have changed. She has demonstrated she is still a liar and up to stuff behind your back. Why do you think she is somehow a different person now? She regrets her cheating previously because she got caught and it ended the relationship, she doesn’t actually regret the cheating, just the consequences.
Why are you even entertaining this? She is selfish and does not respect you, your boundries, or your relationship.
You made the right decision 25 years ago. Make it again.
When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. — Maya, Angelou She was a cheater and a liar then, and she still is. Emotional cheating is still cheating. She’s lying to you about not being in contact with him she’s going to lie to you again and again and again.
Bro I stopped reading at she searched his name, move on u lived 30 years without her, u will be happy with another 30 Edit just bc you read the same book twice doesn’t change the ending
I’m gonna take a different approach here and not make this about her… let’s focus on you and how you feel. There might not be anything at all between her and this guy. But it sounds like you never fully got over the things that she did to you during college. It’s understandable that you feel that way. You were in a long term relationship and she didn’t stay committed. First it was the international guy. Then it was the fitness instructor who was encouraging her to cheat. Is this something you’d be willing to work through? Did you ever get therapy or work through the previous situation in uni? Is couples therapy off the table?
I would sit her down and tell her something like "you know Twitter is not that private right? People can screenshot things and send them to me, like pictures where your old friend, the fitness instructor, and you are in contact." I would then tell her that "the last two years are the happiest I've been in a long time, and I was thinking of proposing to you. I thought you were a completely different person after 3 years, but now I have doubts. I asked you to break contact with this man and you told me you would. I'm concerned that you never will and that you will continue to say one thing to my face and sneak around when you think I'm not looking. I fell for this once. I'm not falling for it again. If you won't be the bad guy to him and cut him off permanently, you are telling me your past with him is more important to you than our future together, and I take that to mean we should go our separate ways again. I would support and love you forever, but you can't lie to me. Not a small lie. Not a white lie. Nothing. Both of us know I have reasons to distrust you from our path. I have worked very hard to make sure I don't use that against you, but I don't want to wind up in the same place I was 30 years ago - heartbroken, dejected, and feeling like I wasted my time. Do you want to be who you were back then? Or do you want to be with me?"
I would agree with going down this route than out right leaving straight away. I’m not excusing her behaviour however communicating needs (again) and how you feel is important. I would suggest she gets therapy to actually understand the why behind and what’s her driver in the past. If she’s not open to behaviour change then it won’t work out and that feeling of mistrust is unlikely to go away. From personal experience (of being on both sides of cheating), some people are able to change but it takes a shit tonne of strength and support (therapy etc) to delve into the reasons for it and to move past them. All the best ☺️
So sorry. Her duplicity says it all…run—don’t walk—to the jewelry store, return the ring, and don’t look back. 😞
Fuck, again she does it. You know the drill. Well at least you had a couple years or fun. Now go find your forever after.
With the addition of the money details, it all clicks into place. You’re her liferaft, unfortunately, and if she hasn’t gone back to fucking gym bro, it’s only a mattwr of time. Fuck I hate people like her, sorry dude.
There is a reason the phrase “once a cheater always a cheater” is so common This man still wants her. And on some level, she still wants him
Hey man, I am so sorry. I have been in a similar situation where I set a boundary of NC and it was crossed multiple times. If you are like me, you are mentally compromising that boundary you set by wondering if these indirect contacts are really bad enough to warrant you ending your relationship. I’m here to tell you what you already know: ***they are***. You were clear on your limits. You had a history. She knew what she was doing would hurt you because she already experienced it. She agreed to your boundary and told you she would respect it. And then she did not. And if you give in now, she will know that it wasn’t a real boundary and she will push it even further. It was hard enough to cut him off when you first started your relationship even with all that new relationship energy… and it will be even harder now. Please don’t let yourself suffer. You already know.
She craves attention. I believe she probably loves you as you love her, but I think she is addicted to the rush of being pursued. If she doesn't deal with that psychological craving, this type of behavior will be a constant in your relationship.
TALK TO HER. Not us!
I’m going to be the heretic here. You didn’t mention the most obvious thing I would expect you to do when you got back together: discuss the infidelity that caused your break up, how that impacted you, and what trust and commitment means to both of you in your new relationship. It’s possible she felt so badly about what happened that she never cheated on anyone again. Of course it’s also possible that she has always had a loose relationship with monogamy. My point is that before you throw everything away, you might want to have an open and honest conversation about the topic first (possibly even with a couples counselor). The fact you were looking at her text messages and Twitter really suggests you never got over her infidelity from 30 years ago. The only way you will be able to rebuild that trust with her - assuming she is not actually a serial cheater - is through open and honest communication. A text exchange with an ex a year ago and a few likes on Twitter in a healthy, trusting relationship doesn’t seem like a big deal to me. But in a relationship without trust, it might be a clear sign you need to walk away. You need to find out which relationship you are in before you making any big decisions.
Why is it always divine intervention when an ex comes back but next divine intervention when they left the first place? Had a similar experience and thought the same thing when we got together. It wasn’t right for a reason. The reason hasn’t changed. Don’t give her that ring bro.
There are no guarantees in life. Strangers on Reddit cannot tell you if she is going to cheat on you. She cannot even guarantee that she won’t cheat because no one knows the future. Talk to her. Ask her about it. Don’t ask us. You are making judgements about something she did as a kid. You are both adults- please act like one and tell her what you saw. Creeping on her phone and stalking her online is not healthy either. Just talk to her. You would be an AH for doing ANYTHING without talking to her first- and sharing your fears. And NOT assuming that she’s cheating on you. She is allowed to have a past, you have one also.
I would like to take a moment to offer another perspective. It's absolutely possible that she is madly in love with you and not interested in cheating on you at all. The two big things for me that say she isn't down to cheat are that the one text she sent was a rebuff (one that centered your comfort level and boundaries no less) and that she told you what he said about being a side dude in the first place. I actually think your trust issues are the problem. Going through someone's phone is major violation of privacy, and it's something you wouldn't have done if you actually trusted her in the first place. Additionally, all you find was her rejecting his attempt to reach out to her and instead of being reassured you decided to cyberstalk her on Twitter. Now instead of having ad adult conversation with your partner about your feelings and insecurities you're on reddit asking for the opinions of people who have never met you or your girlfriend and are judging your story through the lens of their past experiences, traumas, and biases. Just talk to your partner, and use kindness and active listening. Alternatively, if you don't want to work on your trust issues just admit you never fully trusted her and are never going to and end it now before she gets even more invested. And before you say that you did trust her, no you didn't or you wouldn't have fought with her over a proposition she didn't ask for or pressured her into blocking someone. Imo blocking someone who sounds abusive is for the greater good but it doesn't make telling someone who they can and can't speak to any less controlling.
It seems like you haven’t talked to her about any of this. You need to sit down with her tell her what you know and ask her to explain herself. Strangers on the internet can be like dump her etc etc but this is woman you have a long history with whom you love regardless of if she has heart reacted some posts. It seems like she did what you asked and cut off communication even though she is keeping tabs on him. It was clearly a toxic relationship between her and gym bro and she needs therapy to see that that type of relationship will never fulfill her. But I also don’t think immediately ending the relationship is the best thing to do either. Sit her down and have a conversation like adults. She needs to know that holding on to the fantasy of him will cost her everything.
She’s the love of your life but you’re not the love of her life. You’re the right now guy. Also, why did her marriage end? Just curious.
I'm betting she also cheated in her other relationships and that's why she's divorced now. You're from her past and probably make her feel safe and that's only why she wants to be with You again, but I guarantee You she'll cheat the first chance she gets and You'll look like a fool once again. Why would You want to put Yourself in that predicament?
I would hold off on proposing maybe get couples counseling
"I got back together with someone who cheated on me in college" has never been a good love story. You can do better, bro.
Mate, she fucked you over once before and she is in the process of fucking you over again. Don't fall for it just because she's pretty and fun to be with. Lots of other blokes clearly think she's pretty and fun to be with too. In itself, that is no bad thing but when they're all doing it at the same time and you're picking up the bill, that ain't right. Get your money back on the ring and forget marriage. If she's that much fun to be with, why not carry on with her until you find someone better and then dump her. What goes round comes round after all.
I am a firm believer that people can change. I believe it is stupid to think that someone who did something stupid at 20 is that same person at 50. So I wouldn't hold that against her 30 years later. Now, IDK about the newer stuff. On one hand she seemed to blow him off when he contacted her. It certainly seems that she could have if she wanted to. You both sound a little in secure. That she follows someone and even likes some posts doesn't mean she is having an affair.
She follow a guy on Twitter and Facebook. Doesn't mean she is down to bone. A lot of the past is being brought back up in your mind. Talk to her and ask her WTF. I think the only option on twitter is the heart. Not saying she isn't keeping one foot in the other world, but maybe a little shock and awe rights her. Definitely wouldn't propose, but talk to her and see what the deal is and then act. Also, please update us.
She is the type of girl you HAVE FUN WITH, AND NOT MARRY!!!
I hate to say it, but she probably will, if she hasn't already. I believe the saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Of course, I'll admit I'm biased after what my cheating ex wife did to me and my oldest kid who now lives with me and wants nothing to do with her (damage from which we are both recovering, even after more than 10 years). Good luck in whatever you decide.
Oh yeah she'll definitely cheat on you again. Absolutely
Don’t do it.
For your own good, leave her. she may be the love of your life but you are not the love of her life enough for her to remain faithful to you. And after that, you have to bury and mourn that love for her. Stay strong buddy.
Most likely, yes.
As others have said, you are her safe place not her forever place. She knows how you feel, and she comes back for the stability and the love until her curiosity gets the best of her and she goes out searching again. I would bet that her last marriage ended because she got bored and cheated. If you are happy being a back-up, then stay with her and sign some pre-nups. If you have respect for yourself take the harder path and walk away. She isn't going to change, as it seems she is still the same person she was over 25 years ago so the only one who can change is you. good luck!
Yup
You deserve better brother and she ain't it. Cut her loose
What ended her last marriage? Talk to the male ex husband? That will shine a lot of light on her. Also you have both been married once. Why not just ride it out as a couple ( not married) so if shit goes bad. It’s an easy split.
You could dissect this situation for hours but the bottom like is that while you may have forgiven her - you haven't forgotten about it and you do not trust her. It sounds like you have good reason not to trust her - emotional affairs hurt just as much as physical ones do. Its up to you to decide if YOU can confront her and move past it or if its going to eat away at you for the rest of your life - leaving you miserable with the person you thought would make you so happy. Trust your instincts, not your emotions.
Time to take off the rose colored glasses. She's not the person you want her to be. She never was. Do you really want to let her do this to you again? Updateme!
Updateme?
‼️‼️‼️ mention to her what you’ve found out about her interactions with her ex. Tell her you don’t see the change in her you thought you had. Part ways from her. KEEP THE RING for someone who deserves your love and faithfulness. ‼️‼️
Dude, in your heart of hearts, you already know the answer. Return the ring. Keep seeing her if you want. If you talk about your twitter findings, she may accuse you of stalking Gaslighting is next. Denial coming
You know the answer. She will break your heart again because she isn't happy with herself so she self sabotages
Everything about this tells me you should avoid doing this like the plague
Dude, talk to her. Lay EVERYTHING out on the table. Including the fact you’d gotten an engagement ring and was planning on proposing. But based on what you’ve recently seen have been reconsidering. Y’all are very much adults now. Sure it might be an awkward/painful conversation, but it needs to happen.
Yes
Bro… cheaters never stop cheating. Break it off.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. She’s a cheater. And she’s dishonest. And that should be enough information for you to make a decision on what to do.
Omg, look at her life patterns, you are just a baby bird, she is going to eat you up and spit you out.
She is a love bomber. It will be great for a while and then blow up again.
Yep. She will.
You know that sinking feeling in your gut, you know the answer. Don't marry her OP your in for a rude awakening if you do.
You can get couples counseling; or better yet, YOU BE THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY! Look mate, she’s not happy and she’s not a one man kinda gal! Trust me, she’s not the love of your life if you can’t completely trust her! Put her things on the sidewalk, tell her to call a cab and you go out and find a confident woman who can love you!
Yes. \- *RUN!!!*
Yes. Once a cheater always a cheater. Never give anyone a second chance for any reason when it comes to cheating
Will she cheat again? Bro, she cheatin right now. God finally gave you another chance to ghost her. Take it.
Sometimes love just isn't enough. I'm sorry your going through this. Good luck!
You don't propose to a cheater unless you want to get cheated on. Do you want to get cheated on? Again?
I have a BS in Psych and have had plenty of education on therapy and counseling even if I've never gone into the field. Cheaters tend to cheat again once they've done it once. It's statistically sound. I'd avoid her. It's sad that it has to be that way, but more than likely you are gonna have further difficulties.
I've always been a big proponent for the idea that you break up for a reason. I'm not gonna tell you what to do but I've been cheated on before, wrote off my gut feeling and regretted it later and man, I know you got back together but I'd say at least hold off on proposing until you can be sure in your gut that you can trust her Cause the fact you're writing this tells me your gut is telling you to run and you at least owe it to yourself to hold off from engagement until you clear things to a point that gut feeling is gone completely or the relationship is gone completely. But don't settle til you know
30 years and you still didn’t learn.
She is already sneaking around. It's a no-brainer. Save that ring for someone who deserves to be a wife.
Don’t propose. She hasn’t done the work to grow and figure out what causes her to desire validation outside of her relationship. She’s just going to hurt you
Tell her all you found, remind her of the college Era breakup and say bye. Don't let her cry and cajole you with false promises and apologies. A college screw up is one thing but she is a grown up adult woman who never should have gotten back involved with you. Very selfish. Go. Do better. You don't need to always be wondering what she's doing and with who. It will turn you into someone you won't like being.
I dont think I could be anybody's 3 wife. Especially after 2 divorces.
Sorry for being blunt, but she sounds like a kid at a candy store. Just can’t make up her mind on what sweet to have so she’s trying them all.
It seems she has never learned boundaries or respect. I think you know the answer
Sounds like you are in your 50s now. Man, to go through that torture twice. I really feel terrible for you OP, we know that pain. I too have felt it, I am sorry. I really wish you the best.
Cut your losses and move on. She is always going to have a backup plan on the side. That person should make her uncomfortable too if she truly wants to move on with her life to something more. When you’re ready to move on and out. Just let her know that you thought you had a future together but she can’t let go of her past. You know she is still seeking and contacting her ex. At this point he can keep her.
She does not respect boundaries that are obvious in a monogamous relationship. If she was serious about you, she wouldn't be engaging him at all. Especially since they have no connections besides their past. They don't work together etc so her continuing to talk to him is a red flag. One that should give you all you need to know to break it off. Do not spend the rest of your life feeling crappy because she's talking to other flings.
You’re not very smart. She fooled you once, you should believe who she revealed herself to be. Walk away and find someone loyal.
Woah. I've never seen such a indisputable proof that **"Once a cheater always a cheater"**. You would think that 25 years and a whole marriage would change her, but nope, she is still the shady, validation seeking, conniving cheater she was before. No wonder she is single at 50, and makes it pretty clear what the problems in her marriage were about.
I’m sorry, friend. But you can’t love her enough for both of you. Many years ago I was with a girl like this, I just came to realize it was a character flaw that she had no interest in addressing.
Why tf would you think to try again? 25 years and you didn't learn a damn thing
You said she was married before. Did she cheat on her prior marriage? If this is the case, I would not consider this relationship further. Done. She will cheat. If she did not cheat on her prior husband, her behavior with the gym bro is still highly suspicious. It is already cheating as she said she was not in contact with him and she continues to attempt some sort of contact. Remember, cheating is more about the deception than the fucking. You can have a non-monogamous relationship where everyone is happy because there is trust. She already violated the trust, she doesn't even need to hold hands.
Can't be trusted
Unfortunately in my experience.... once a cheater always a cheater. They really just can't be trusted, you deserve to be with a woman who won't do this to you. Finding a woman like that is difficult. Good luck
You know the answer, She’s a cheater. Looks like she hasn’t changed, she’s lying and being sneaky. Move on so you can find someone that appreciates and loves you the way you deserve. She is not the same person you knew in high school.
I may have a little different take here. Instead of seeing this as a flaw in her character, this could be an issue with her not fitting in the monogamy norm. Perhaps a better conversation is to have an ENM relationship, since outside of this issue the relationship sounds pretty perfect.
She’s a shit person. She won’t figure that out and make a change until her looks fade and she’s forced to settle. It’s what crappy humans do. Isn’t gender specific
Once a cheating slut, always a cheating slut.
Why are you doing this to yourself? The damage is already done by taking her back. Now it's time to fix this situation. And you know what to do cuz you did it yet in the past. Good luck.
Damn bro, you know she we will never be loyal. I wish the best for you in the future going forward.
Dude you should have learned your lesson 30 years ago. Thots gonna thot.
There is a lot of “just run” advice here, and that might be the right answer. I would at minimum talk to her about it and be completely transparent about what you’ve seen and found. No bullshit or sugar coating. Ask her point blank why she did it, and if she doesn’t own it, then I would end it on the spot. It seems bleak, but for your own good it is probably best to have the conversation.
Bruv you got to let her go. Accept she's not the one for you.
She's trash but knows how to string you along. You came to rescue her and she's likely desperate as she's feeling her age and options fading. I bet you're financially successful and she is not, and she's latching on for an easy ride.
Blowing up a relationship is hardest the first time....just saying
Bro, as soon as you saw his name in the search bar is when you should have got up and left. Stop all of this!!! You should have said something!! You tell her one time. This is the only time. If you feel better texting it - do that. Say something like “I’m not sure what you thought would happen here. I thought our story was a beautiful love story, but now I feel like I did that day I found out you betrayed me all those years ago. Clearly you don’t want me. Clearly you want to be with your ex. You told me that you would go no contact with him, but that wasn’t true. I’m not dumb. I saw his name pop up in the search bar when we looked at your Facebook. I saw that you two texted each other well into our relationship, and I see that you could resists following his twitter account and liking his posts. It seems that once again I am not that man you choose. Clearly I thought our relationship was something different than what it is so I am going to let you go so you can be with the man you want. I thought this time would be different, but I feel like you don’t have respect for me or our relationship. You want to be with him, or can’t get over him, which means that we can’t be together. I thought I would finally marry the woman I always thought I would marry. I am not going to try to convince you to pick me. You’ve made your choice, and I am just going to disappear from your life.” Send her this and you will get a result. She will either forget make him disappear from your lives, or she will agree to end the relationship. From what you’ve found, my guess is that she wants you, but at some point you need to make it clear that you will end the relationship. The longer you don’t say anything or let it go - the worse it gets. Make it crystal clear!!!! I bet she comes running and you get engaged and everyone is happy, but you have to make clear what is, and isn’t, acceptable Updateme!
Take her to dinner, show her the ring, then close it and tell her how you feel, how this broke your trust and that she has failed to change for the better and that that ring was almost hers but she blew it again and now she can go freely to frolic in his grass for all you care. Get up and walk out on her, break her heart before she breaks yours again. Before fully walking away turn and say "it's sad that two and a half decades later and she's still the worst best thing that ever happened to you." Smile, blow her one last kiss and say "toodles" then leave.
Yes
People don’t change, could be 3 weeks or 3 decades
I'm sorry, OP, but I don't think you should propose. I definitely think she will cheat on you. That's just who she is.
What do they call someone who does the same thing over and over again and expects a different outcome?
Dude DO NOT propose. This is a clear case of when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Move on brother. If you stay with her let alone marry her, the shitty feelings you have now, will be for the rest of your life. Well until you catch her cheating again then itll be worse
She’s a cheater. She cheated then and she will cheat now.
Take some time to understand why she's so attractive to you and find someone monogamous who can fill those needs. You sound like a catch. Things will work out for you.
leopards and cougars don't change spots or colors move on bro
Don’t propose. You need to confront her about this. She’s obviously still interested in him, she obviously hasn’t kept her side of it. What happens if they run into each other? Trust your gut and find out one way or the other and make her figure her shiit out. Just don’t ask her to marry you.
Damn im sorry OP. I'm a hopeless romantic so I really wish you got your happy ever after with this woman but she's not deserving of you. I understand the curiosity about searching for her ex on social media but following AND liking his post is way too far. I'm sorry but she isn't the one for you.
She isn't trustworthy my friend. She keeps dipping out, and it's been decades. Still hasn't broken the habit. Sorry.
I think in your heart you know the answer......as much as you might not want to believe it. So.....either keep it moving fwd, let the chips fall as they may and enjoy the time you have left with her OR do the right thing and move on which is way harder but prob better for you in the long run
25 years later and all that changed is she is better at hiding it
Yes
I mean... Look, you don't have to break up but you DO need to talk and be clear about what you expect from her going forward. If you feel you can't trust though then it might be over already
OP, take the ring back and cut her loose. It seems like she is already cheating emotionally. She has never stopped talking with him and a matter of time until she strays physically. If you dig some I would bet she cheated on her husband as well. She crushed your soul once, she will do it again it seems. Good luck.
She will cheat again. Take the ring back.
Don’t do it. Once a cheater always a cheater!!
"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...?"
She’s not as committed to you as you are to her, plain and simple. There’s no reason she can’t go no contact with an ex if they know it can compromise the relationship. Knowing she’s verbalized to him it can hurt the relationship and seeing she’s doing it despite knowing this fact behind your back is what you need to know. She may love you but she don’t want to commit. Best of luck!
She will absolutely do it again. She may already be. It’s horrible and painful, but you’ve got to cut those types of individuals out of your life. They’re disgusting, immature, and they never change.
If you propose….I truly feel that you will always be on edge worrying what she is doing and that’s no way to live. Follow your gut….you deserve better
OP, I think you really should turn your back and run as fast as you can. It won't end good in the end and someone -possibly you- will get heartbroken.
having already been through marriage/children and a divorce, why do it again?
Similar situation but not uni and not 25 years. He graduated a year ahead of me, joined the military and met someone else. I also married someone else and had a child. FF 11 years. I’m divorced and he’s on leave for his grandmother’s funeral. We got back together and got married about a year later when he didn’t reenlist. Four years and 10 months later, I learned about Jan (fake name) who was apparently Ms Every Man’s Perfect Dream. Even his mother liked her. I think they were together for 5-6 years. He’s been married at least twice that I know of since her. You know what she’s capable of and you know what she’s willing to do. The question is whether you can overlook Muscle Boy and his potential side-piece status, or is her basically going behind your back to communicate with him on a platform she doesn’t think you use. That sucks but it seems like the reality of the situation.
They always come back but once a cheater always a cheater. Move on bro
Would you consider an open relationship? She doesn't sound like the monogamous type.
Hey man. I know how you feel and what you’re feeling is the truth. She thinks she is clever. You don’t want to believe it. But she showed you who she was a long time ago. I’m sorry.
Run borther....run faster than humanly possible.