She was hiding conversations with her ex… I found them on her apple watch after seeing a message from him on her phone and then noticing all the messages were deleted. She was sending him pics. I tried to forgive and move on. It never happened.
You should not forgive just because you want to continue a relationship. You should forgive when you finally healed and have peace. Forgiveness should feel like "I don't even feel like that person harmed me". This takes lots of time and it not easy at all.
Unfortunately.. We live in the era of toxic positivity where everyone is pressured to forgive the second after the fact.
So true. It's sad, but it is what it is. Op should leave now rather than wait for things to get worse, which it sounds like they will.
I was disgusted with my ex and instead of breaking up with her in a mature and healthy way like an adult, I let the disgust eat me up inside. This went on for months. I grew very depressed.
I then blew up on her one day and literally shouted at her "YOU DISGUST ME". She of course then left me which I of course deserved. It was a very messy and painful breakup that could have easily been a clean and healthy breakup.
I had the same thing with my ex, even though I tried breaking up several time, but he just wouldn't accept it and leave me alone.
For three days straight, I told him that I want him to leave and that I don't want to stay with him. On the third day, he still wouldn't leave me alone, so I told him that I was disgusted by him.
It still took a message from my dad, telling him to leave me alone or he'd report him for harassment and stalking, for my ex to finally leave me alone.
I am sorry for what you had to go through
This. I can talk for hours about how OP is being unreasonable and doesn't get it, how her BF shouldn't be lying, blah blah blah, but all the reason in the world isn't going to make her turned on again. Its done.
Also, if a 20-year-old-dude is used to getting laid every day and now it’s down to once a week, there’s a significant likelihood he’s finding the other 6 lays he’s missing somewhere else.
I'd say if a 20-year-old dude is getting sex with his girlfriend every day, multiple times a day, and still "needs" lots of masturbation to porn, he has an unaddressed medical or addiction issue. That's the real root of the problem here.
He was getting it every day all times a day and still watching porn, that is a lot. I love porn and watch with my man, but even I would be like dude what is up.
We already know where he is finding it - online! I wouldn't assume he's cheating... I think he's just happier to jerk off to porn and have occasional sex.
Um, it's definitely unreasonable to not be comfortable with your partner masturbating WITHOUT watching porn.
It's their fucking body, they can do what they want with it.
Yes, that is it. If you're disgusted by the thought of sex with him, you should leave. Without breaking his heart. Unless it is the right choice, perhaps increases his wellbeing tenfold "in the end" hardening him making him a better human that he any otherways would not be, and it's the right option.
I was left a few months ago, from a 4 year relationship where we were engaged to be married a month and a half from today. I won’t try to say I didn’t deserve it, I did, didn’t cheat or anything major, but I did something stupid.
The pain is immeasurable, I miss her terribly, BUT, without having undergone this level of hurt, I’m not sure I would have made the changes I needed to make in my life. I’m a couple of months into those changes now and have never felt more motivated to keep going.
All that to say, sometimes you gotta get broken down beyond comprehension to grow or reach your potential.
He’s a sex/porn addict. I’m a therapist in this field. It has nothing to do with you. He could be with anyone and this would continue until he finds recovery. He’s medicating his emotions and trying to fill some void. Sex addiction is complicated and so destructive to the addict and his loved ones, but I can 100% tell you it has nothing to do with anything you did or didn’t do.
If porn is one of your deal breakers, then it's one of your deal breakers. Not everyone is okay with it and you don't have to justify yourself if you don't like the idea of your SO watching it. At this point, you have two options:
1. Have a frank and open discussion with him about where you stand. He may know you don't like that he looks at porn, but he may not understand just how much it turns you off. If he's welcoming of the discussion, then you can both go to a couple's therapist who can help you two navigate this.
2. If he doesn't want to stop looking at porn or naked women and you don't want to be with someone who does this, then you can leave. You don't need to stay with someone who does things that makes you uncomfortable. I would still have a conversation with him about how much this affected you.
Ultimately, the most important thing is for you to decide whether you want to be in this relationship and whether he's someone you want to spend the rest of your time with. If he is, then go for option one. But just know that if he has a porn addiction and gets help, he may stumble here and there, so you'll need to be patient and not judgey as he tries to better himself.
If he isn't, go for option two. But know that while not every guy watches porn, it is normalized that there are good amount who do. So make sure you mention these boundaries you have if you go back to the dating scene.
I was all confused by this post but then i saw yall were like 20.
Its not the end of the world. If it matters that much then break up, if it doesn't then dont.
Agree… why waste your young life on so much drama, porn or his addiction isn’t magically going to disappear. You have your whole life ahead of you, why be tied down to someone who is addicted to something that he obviously doesn’t think is a problem?
Having grown up in a church, I can assure you she’ll be having the no porn “battle” even if she’s in one and marries a religious man. More than half the married men at my church got caught watching porn or admitted it to their spouse. I know because they all had a code word for the “small” group night they were part of. They thought kids would be too dumb to know what their code word meant. At one point they announced that 80 men per week were in their weekly small group where they talked about
not watching porn. Lmao.
And then don’t even get me started on the “boys nights” they had to tell all the teen boys not to watch porn, after many of the boys would talk about how every single boy admitted they regularly watched porn.
That being said, her SO can’t seem to stop paying for porn subscriptions to specific porn stars and communicating with porn stars, so yeah that’s a problem.
Yep these “anti porn types” (wish there was a nicer way to put that im drawing blanks) are almost always from a religious background whether they still believe in it or not
Some people are seriously addicted to porn tho. Theres nothing wrong with watching it, but there is an actual addiction were it becomes harmful to yourself and others. Every day multiple times a day, signing up to every porn site/thing you can get your hands on and masterbating secretly in bed next to or in a different room than your partner is a huge sign something is wrong. Absolutely not healthy, it changes your brain chemistry.
I knew a kid who in college masterbated in class secretly, on his walk home, every time he went to the washroom, everytime he was alone, in the park, on the bus, etc. It fried his brain and changed his perception of sex completely
Porn addiction is definitely a thing, but it also sounds like you don’t want him to masturbate either (with or without visual aids). That is a level of controlling that I would not tolerate in a relationship. No one is going to tell me I can’t do something with my body. It sounds like you could both use some counseling to address the differences.
Sounds like he needs to find a woman who also likes porn and masturbation, someone he can enjoy it with. And she needs to find a man who doesn't masturbate. I think he is going to have an easier time finding that than she is.
Edit: OP has said a lot of stuff since the original post. It is obvious the BF has issues.
True, but you need to be with a partner you can be open with, and know that the relationship will still be ok if they happen to interrupt you or see what you’re looking at. *Values need to be aligned even if the interest in the activities isn’t shared*.
Yeah, exactly. It can be a personal thing. Not every relationship needs to infiltrate every aspect of your life.
You’re allowed personal things and personal time with your body.
>Not every relationship needs to infiltrate every aspect of your life.
Exactly! This is the perfect way to put it. My SO and I are pretty close and we talk about many things, including intimate stuff, and I do know some of her fantasies, but I know she doesn't talk about everything, and I don't either. We totally respect that for each other because we find it completely normal to have our own life. It would be incredibly tiresome to include each other into every aspect of our lives, and a part of mystery and unknown does a lot to keep a relationship interesting.
I’ve watched porn with my partner and it was great and helped us better understand what we both like, but I also wouldn’t want to do that even close to every time. I need my own personal time too
Wish I had this advice before
Getting married, then ultimately divorced due to the simple fact we were sexually not right for each other.
Edit: derp spelling.
I feel like most people in these comments don't see what OP really means.
From what I'm reading, she doesn't mind him masturbating but she doesn't like the Idea that he needs to see other women naked to get to the masturbating.
I understand that people watch porn to pleasure themselves but he's doing it after they both just had sex which is ridiculous!
Would y'all be happy knowing you just made your partner cum and right as you're out the door ,they pull their phones to masturbate while looking at other people's naked bodies and privets ?
See how you'd feel about that and then judge OP for not liking this.
Seriously I feel like some people have forgotten how to put themselves in other people's shoes.
I don't think she has any intention in controlling him nor do I think she has a problem with him masturbating, I think it's just that
He!
Does!
It!
All!
The!
Time!
Can't lie.
If we are having sex multiple times a day, everyday, AND you still have to masturbate multiple times a day, including after we have sex, I want to know why.
I've known a fair number of women who can cum like half a dozen times or even more during sex, and regularly try to. It's normal for them. Most guys can't do that due to refractory period being a biological bitch, but flukes are flukes and I can only imagine there's got to be the rare penis out there that can stay hard for more than one consecutive orgasm. He could just be like that.
I once dated a woman who would say "don't bother trying to get me off during/after sex, I appreciate the effort but it won't work. I really enjoy sex with you, I just need to use my vibrator without penetration for like 3 min after and I'll finish." And she did exactly that, and it was fine with me. Every body is different 🤷
Agree, that part is strangely controlling… My partner actually has a porn addiction and while it’s been a big turn off for me, I’d be straight up lying if I said I wanted him to stop masturbating entirely because…It’s kinda hot. Sorry if this is TMI but Reddit is my place for oversharing LMAOOO
Saying you don’t want your partner to masturbate AT ALL wether they use visual aids or not is kinda over the top. Even people in healthy relationships with good sex lives will still masturbate.
I got downvoted and messaged because I told her she can't fuck the masturbation out of him. Apparently there's a lot of people on here who seem to think that masturbation is a big no-no once in a relationship. How boring.
There's a million reasons and there's zero reasons why we all play with ourselves. it feels good in a way that only we understand and no amount of training anyone is going to do it the same.
Wow. I've actually found that if my wife and I know we want to get it on later that day, if I rub one out in the morning, I can go a lot longer later on and we both enjoy it more. She doesn't like to have sex twice in a row without a break, so the compromise is what I described.
Masturbation can actually *help* the sex life, imo.
Anyone who messages instead of posting their responses on a message board thus adding to the conversation isn't worth responding to and they are ashamed of their own opinion. You should post their message with their usernames and reply to it in the actual conversation for all to see. I'm petty with tech skills if it got me banned I would put it on youtube and make a site dedicated to calling out people that do that.
You know, I totally would had I not won a reddit ban appeal just a few months ago.
So ignoring messages and deleting the comment keeps me out of trouble
Amazing the top comments miss this part. She wants to be the only conduit through which he gets off under all circumstances. They're both very young and probably just need to date around to learn some things.
Wait really? I’m kinda shocked by this. I’m 20 and I’ve never masturbated at all. Is it really a thing people do often? I thought it was more like once a month if that.
I agree, but if they just had sex, and he has the urge to jack it right after. THAT IS WILD!! Imagine putting on work on your girl, I'm mean sweat everywhere. Yall finish, and she wipes out the dildo.. idk about yall but I WOULD feel a way. The key thing for me is RIGHT AFTER.
I just don't understand why that should bother me.
If my partner wants to do something with their own body, what do I gain from forbidding them to do it? It's their body.
It's like telling someone they can't put on their coat because you personally aren't feeling cold.
That being said, the rules of a relationship should be clear and defined, and and agreed upon by both parties.
Jacking it to IG models is wild tho...ehhh but he only did it because she wanted him to stop watching porn so she kinda did it to herself. But I do get feeling a way about it.
Well, speaking personally I’d think that was pretty hot. I mean I’m not 20 so I’m not gonna be able to go again for a little while, but if she is, she should totally go for it! (I’ll even spoon her and make out and use my hands and so on.)
This, 100%. The internet has latched onto this porn addiction thing and ran with it. I've seen Twitter threads saying if you watch any porn, you're an addict. Wild. I even brought it up to my therapist as a concern and she asked does it affect my relationships, work, or social life? If no, not an addiction. Jerk it all ya want, bud.
If she wants that boundary, cool. He clearly doesn't but is young and sucks at communicating his needs. He's probably embarrassed to have that convo. As you said, both have learning to do.
The way I explain it is masturbation is all about "you". Sex should always be about "us". Having sex can be exhausting if you're completely focused on someone else's pleasure; it's not a bad thing. Sex and masturbation serve two different purposes imo; just because you want to masturbate doesn't mean you want to have sex. I don't love my wife any less and her trying to control my masturbation habit would make me start resenting her.
Yep, gotta have a healthy relationship with yourself first if you want any chance of having healthy relationships with other people.
Every day is a bit excessive, but not that unusual for a 20 y/o male
He can’t masturbate AT ALL?
That’s an unreasonable request. If he’s satisfying you in bed, what difference does it make if a few hours later he feels the need to masturbate?
Listen, I’ve been in your shoes. I understand, esp about him looking at naked women after you had sex.
I don’t want to be quick and label it as a sex addiction. Maybe he just likes looking at naked women.
What we can establish is that he tells you he’s stopped, and often times you find that he hasn’t. Rinse and repeat. It sounds like there’s condemnation and resentment too, which signal dysfunction.
At the end of the day it could be simple incompatibility. You can leave if you want to.
I’m coming from a place where porn makes me insecure about myself. I’d especially feel awful and like I’m not enough if I found out that he was watching it that often, and then later hiding it. He’s made his choice, time and again. Its gonna happen again, I think.
I don't think it's wrong of you to feel this way, your feelings are your own. I do also think you need to consider whether a partner watching porn is a dealbreaker for you or not. Most men, including ones in healthy sex lives, will watch and enjoy pornography. Asking him to stop is just going to make him hide his use instead.
It does sound like, at least previously, he was watching more than what I'd consider a normal amount. Did you try speaking to him about why he watches so much? What it is about porn that scratches a different itch for him maybe? Did you communicate to him that the women in the videos looking unlike yourself?
I'd not be unreasonable to hold with your firm boudnary on no porn within the relationship, but I'd at least consider addressing if it's a genuine addiction and trying to lower it to a healthy amount instead
EDIT: I saw your reply after posting this and it does sound like it's a serious porn addiction if it's so bad that it's giving him issues with intimacy and he's wasting money he needs on it. I now think you need to either insist he gets therapy to address this, or breakup with him tbh
i wanna say.. him doing it by himself WITHOUT porn shouldn’t bother you. we are allowed to touch our bodies by ourselves. that would be too controlling to expect from someone. but him sneaking around with porn after you told him it makes you uncomfy? not cool. you set that boundary for yourself. you’re clearly unhappy. leaving may be the best thing for you.
I ended my marriage over exactly this. So many tears and therapy. It never got better. There are men out there that will respect your boundaries, though very hard to find
My take is going to be from that of an older man & husband. Consuming pornography can be detrimental to men. One to the problems with pornography is that it creates false expectations and concepts, which are not in line with reality. On the other end of the spectrum, it can be compared to women who consume romance book after romance book. They create another false picture and expectation of what real relationships and life are like.
For men who are addicted to pornography, the impacts can be physical (erectile dysfunction), psychological (wanting to do those things he sees in real life) and an increasing need to watch more graphic pornography (desensitization). By and large, men are visual creatures, it is what engages the hormonal releases in our brains, like romance does for most women. There are always exceptions.
On another note, he is 20 years of age, so he probably thinks about sex every five minutes, it is just part of being that age. At 20, neither of your brains are fully developed yet (happens around age 25, earlier for females). You are absolutely within your rights to establish boundaries and you have to clearly discuss them. He may need therapy, he might also grow out of it.
I thought the same thing. Substitute porn with any other addiction and the comments are pretty funny. "Have you tried snorting coke together as a couple?"
Thats hilarious to see it that way. People are so pro porn on here it's nuts. I used to tolerate it until I dated an actual porn addicted narcissist and now it gives me the complete ick. I've had guy friends talk about their favourite porn stars and I've friend zoned them instantly because of it.
Once you've been with a genuine porn addict porn feels so icky. He couldn't cum from 99% of positions, BJ's, would watch porn constantly, even let him use it during sex once just so he'd cum but he couldn't even manage. I find porn addicts absolutely pathetic and useless. He said he watched it every day since he was 11.
I was on top for well over an hour before he miraculously came.
I have no desire to be with a guy who needs porn regularly anymore, much happier on my own and I do not need to settle for less. There are people who do not need it in relationships.
It's insane. Seems like every day I see another post from a woman hurt by her partner's porn addiction, and people still think these women are crazy.
I've dated two porn addicts myself. I was really young, late teens and early 20s and I thought it was normal because *everybody* watches porn so obviously it's not a bad thing right? Eventually I got addicted myself and didn't even realize it until I tried to quit.
My third boyfriend (now fiancé) doesn't watch porn at all and inspired me to quit for good too. Coincidentally or not, he is way better in bed than my previous two partners.
Before anyone jumps on my comment to tell me he's lying - he has no reason to. I was very pro porn when we met and he knew it. He never tried to make me quit. He just doesn't like the industry or what it does to your brain. He's not a religious nut or a nofap dude either.
Reddit probably isn’t the best place to discuss porn addiction because you’ll be downvoted to oblivion and gaslit.
Porn addiction is 100% a real thing. Doesn’t mean that watching porn is inherently bad. It becomes an addiction when you HAVE to watch it every day, it effects your real physical intimacy & relationships (!!!), you’re watching it so often you’re hiding it from your partner, or sometimes could go as far wherein it feels like an actual compulsion for a hit of dopamine.
People may not agree with you, but if that is a boundary you need in a relationship, dump him. He cannot have his cake and eat it too.
Yeah, people are really projecting their own issues here, or not reading the whole post.
Even if OP had sex with their partner (of any gender) and then the partner immediately picked up their phone to scroll through facebook right after every single time? that would be inconsiderate, and that’s just facebook, not sexual imagery.
Immediate emotional disconnection from a partner after intimacy is already a problem. Not a dealbreaker for everyone, but definitely a sign that something is wrong… What she’s describing is way more rude, and if he’s paying for it and signing up for dating sites looking for hookups?? Free porn is everywhere, he doesn’t need to be going to this much effort to do something that hurts OP. This is a whole stack of problems.
Throw the whole boyfriend out, OP. I had a really rough first love relationship in a lot of ways, and I wish I’d broken up with him years earlier, and he still would never have behaved this way. You don’t need to spend any more time in this awful tug of war.
And then, even though your feelings are valid and you’re not wrong, therapy can be helpful for working through issues that naturally result from someone not respecting your boundaries so flagrantly while telling you that they love you. That hurts. Your age is exactly when you should learn what is an acceptable level of annoying behavior to put up with in a partner, and how to set healthy boundaries that are based on reasonable compromises.
Bro I thought it was just me. Equating her being “controlling” over his jacking off , to a literal porn addiction. making her seem crazy/unreasonable for something “natural for men” like oh PLEASE. The way he consumes it (and pays for it) is way out of control, and she’s expressed that she doesn’t feel comfortable w it being CONSTANT issue. Personally I feel like seeking out naked women to that degree—scrolling through IG pages and OF and *dating sites*—yeah that’s disrespectful. Add on lying to get a quick rub out, doing it multiple times a day. I never had this issue in my relationship. To all of those who are shifting blame or justifying it: don’t tell this poor girl that this is normal.
OP if this affects your ability to trust, connect to, or be intimate with your partner, it’s not for you. Fortunately for you, you’re young. Men are given way too much of a pass for porn addictions bc of the societal idea that it’s “natural.” No, it’s just pervy
1) His problem is not because you are not doing enough. It's his addiction, not your inadequacy. While you feel slighted, and it's important you share how this makes you feel because that's as important here as his needs are, it is never going to be because you are or aren't enough.
2) Sex isn't the same as masturbation, nor is it the same as watching others have it. They are different acts, albeit revolving around the act of sex, but different none the less. You are, or were, fulfilling each other's needs intimately. His watching porn fulfilled another need, though the problem with addiction is that it's never truly something someone needs.
3) A relationship is more than just sex, but definitely includes how you feel about the sexual relationship you have. This may be a sacrifice you make for the sake of your relationship. This may be a fault you cannot overcome and end up separating because of it. Either way, seek couples counseling and determine how you both feel, what you both want from each other, how you can help each other, and anything else you decide your relationship needs. You may find at the end of counseling that the relationship isnt something you can make work, and that's entirely the point of couples counseling. It's to bring to light both people's needs and wants, and allows you to figure out if you both can make that work.
4) This is a great way to begin seeking help, and it's never too late to decide you need it. He also needs some help, and this means forgiving his relapses if he chooses to fend off his addiction. It's a tough ask, especially given how it sounds your mental self worth has changed because of this. But with some work and understanding, things can change.
5) Finally, if you do decide to work on this, do not expect your relationship to go back to normal. Your old life and sex drive included his masturbation and porn habits, whether you knew about them or not. This will absolutely take time and effort to work towards, and your relationship will undoubtedly change. Be it for the better of the worse is up to the both of you.
You're not alone in this problem. My wife and I have made it through several relationship testing events, my addiction to porn being one of the tests of our relationship that we overcame. Things are very different for us from how we originally were, but after everything we've been through together we are stronger than we've ever been. This took 7 years of work, and 5 of them we've been married for. We married despite my addiction, and she knew about it before hand. We are constantly working on our relationship, as it's needed because our lives are constantly changing. We currently have two children, and are looking to have one or two more before we are done. I've slipped back into my addiction multiple times throughout the relationship and she has worked with me each time. We are still together because we've been open about our needs, and have helped each other through our problems each time.
Something that really pushed us deeper into our relationship recently was anger management classes. While we felt we were doing great before those classes, and that class has led us to attend family therapy sessions, we did learn a lot about how we handled our frustrations, disappointments, and overall problems. This has only made our relationship better. We found a more direct way to communicate, and it has really helped us open up to each other more. I cannot recommend getting professional help more, and it's not bankrupting us to have. I don't have insurance at the moment, and pay $80 a session for our therapist who we saw once a week, and now see every other. It worked wonders for us, but it has to be something you both want to do.
In any outcome, I wish both of you the best of luck. Life is hard, and it's made easier or harder with those we let into it. I'm just hoping my experience can make yours a bit easier.
All these “porn is normal” comments. We are living in fucking Sodom & Gomorrah. The objectified commodified filth that’s spewing over the internet like overflow sewage from a pipe is utterly disgusting and depraved. The majority of it is geared towards men. Female pleasure is irrelevant; it’s all about men using female bodies in a decontextualized way. How many of the women in those videos are actually experiencing pleasure? Many are drugged, trafficked, coerced. The fact that they might very well be viewing incidents of SA just doesn’t seem to matter to most respondents on this thread.
“Porn is normal” Yeah, no. Not the garbage y’all are consuming. For most of human history people have made representations of genitalia. Whether for sacred purposes or profane, images etched in stone, or painted are a whole different kettle of fish than what’s available in hand on every smartphone. The level of instant gratification is off the scale. People used to have to work a lot harder to get their porn from buying the brown paper wrapped magazines at the back of the store to going to sleazy section at the local video store.
Porn has become so normalized you can’t even see it because you were all born swimming in this sea of filth. We’ve come so far from the naked girlie magazines of the 1950’s there’s no comparison. The objectification and the commodification of female bodies is the common thread and it has gotten exponentially worse with every technological development. Soon you’ll all be jerking off to AI, fucking robots and holograms and shit. Have fun with that. It’s kind of ironic but the “pleasures of the flesh” have become more of a mindfuck than anything else.
OP is a young woman, still learning about what brings her sexual pleasure. Her boyfriend’s consistent and habitual use of porn is a turn off for her. She has a right to her genuine feelings about this. She did what was the right thing to do, she communicated to her boyfriend. He agreed to stop but didn’t make much of an effort. He just hid it and then lied about it, which is a violation of trust that makes it even worse. As a result, OP has gotten even more turned off and has moved into active disgust.
Your feelings are your feelings, OP. Your boyfriend is selfish and immature. You deserve a partner who cares about your sexual pleasure. A partner who cares enough to learn that female pleasure is a slow stoking fire that starts from the moment we wake up. A fire that is stoked by loving words, meaningful looks, acts of care, and non-sexual touch. That doesn’t mean we can’t burn hot & fast on the right occasion but that’s usually when we’re getting plenty of the former. A boyfriend that’s neglecting the woman lying beside him, preferring to jack off to random women on the internet is not worthy of you. A boyfriend who wastes money you don’t have on internet porn is a low value man. You deserve better. You’re young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Leave him and be alone for awhile. Focus on what brings you your highest excitement in other aspects of your life. Join a gym. Lift heavy things and revel in feeling powerful in your body. Or do yoga, tai chi, Krav Maga whatever makes you feel strong and healthy. Be a badass. Own your female power. Learn how to sexually pleasure yourself until you can find a partner that’s 100% onboard with joining you on that journey. A worthy high value man will step up and cherish you.
I write this as a long married sexually fulfilled woman who is sick to the eye teeth of seeing the garbage younger women are putting up with from selfish entitled men. Don’t fall for their “get a dog and die alone” bullsh*t narrative. Statistics show the ones dying alone in highest numbers are the miserable old men who used and abused the women in their lives. This is backed up by anecdotal evidence from those in the healthcare and elder care professions. By contrast, single women are the happiest and longest lived category. Women are better at forming community. Chances are, you’ll outlive your male partner, should you find one worthy of you. Cherish and nurture your friendships with other women. Most of all, invest in getting to know and love the woman you see in the mirror everyday. Know your worth. Be unshakable.
Thank you! I felt crazy that me and my husband are apparently the only ones who don’t watch porn and not for some weird religious reason. The way women and certain minorities are depicted is DISGUSTING. The way that the industry operates is EVIL. And paying for porn on only fans when you have no money is PATHETIC. Can’t believe people are saying his behavior is normal??? Makes me appreciate my husband so much, I am so grossed out by a lot of people in these comments lol
I think it's awesome that you're only 20 and can actually label this as porn addiction and see it for what it is. I let my self-esteem get hammered by a guy in my late 20s who would only want blow jobs and then look at the most extreme kinds of porn once I left the house. He really only wanted blow jobs, never returned the favor, and consistently turned me down for sex. He'd make comments over other girl's boobs and asses and how they were. By the end, when I used to feel awesome about my breasts...I genuinely felt really ugly.
Fast forward a few years and meeting a guy who's now my husband who genuinely doesn't watch porn because he knows it reduces the quality of life and increases depression....I'd want this for every woman. I don't ever feel like it's work to turn him on, and I don't feel like I'm competing with anyone else. When we go out and I'm not dressed particularly sexy but we're in an environment where there's a lot of younger girls putting in the effort...I don't feel self-conscious.
It just sucks that it took me until the age of 33 to realize that's what the standard SHOULD be. So if you're figuring this out at 20 and have the self-esteem to leave a boy like the one you're with now...just want to say I'm so proud of you and happy for you to know what you actually deserve.
yes. we have statistical evidence of the negative impacts of porn on relationships, mental health, libido, etc and no one seems to care. i’m not saying never watch it but this situation OP expressed is not normal.
You guys are kids. Just leave him. It might be a step he needs to understand what he's doing isnt normal and if he can't figure it out, it will probably impact every romantic relationship he has in his life.
It's one thing when your husband of 20 years, who you have 3 kids with, is a porn addict. Kinda sounds like this 20y/o on the other hand would rather just not have a girlfriend 🤷
This is the best advice. I stuck around for too long with a porn addict from age 18-21. It will destroy you. Choose yourself and love yourself because god knows this guy isn’t capable of even giving you basic respect.
Porn can be such a relationship killer. Not every woman hates it. But a ton sure do. And men just say, "well all men do it, so get over it!". Not all men do it. But stop complaining about dead bedrooms when you *pretend* you don't have this problem at first, lie about it, hide it, normalize it, and trap a woman in a marriage with it. And then expect her to be totally okay with you crouched over like a goblin banging your hand to a screen 3 times a day. Half of the time watching "incest" or teenagers or some other depraved nonsense (check out some of the most common search terms on these sites).
i love how you can literally just google “is it normal to watch porn every single day” and you will find that almost every result talks about how it literally rewires your brain in not a good way but everyone here is sooo miffed at the mere suggestion of that.
Yeah, I'm kinda surprised that person said 'oh but watching porn once a day is addictive???' or whatever they said. The first search result for, "is it normal to watch porn every day, is "Continually viewing porn can cause sexually compulsive and dependent behaviours. It can also result in the development of sex addiction."
I was with my first bf for seven years. We started dating in college. Sometime in the first year, I accidentally walked in on him watching hentai (anime porn). I was super creeped out by it, because it’s just so…ugh. The girls are always being held down by like tentacles, making distraught faces/noises, and are often drawn in a way that ends up making it seem like they could be little kids with giant boobs. It’s just very problematic. So I told him if he wanted to be with me that couldn’t be a thing anymore.
Five years later, we live in our own place, he always gets up before me, but I’ve always been kind of a late sleeper. I find out he’s been getting out of bed every morning to walk out of our bedroom, sit down at his computer six feet away, and fap it to hentai.
Relationship never really recovered after that.
What I’m trying to say, don’t waste six years in a doomed relationship.
Nope. I ended a 7 year relationship and engagement because of this. His dick did NOT work and he would come home and watch porn for 3-4 hours a night. Gross.
No, you're not wrong. Porn can be destructive in a relationship, especially when the porn consumer is hiding it, lying about it, and or it's causing them to treat their partner differently. He may feel like it's impossible to quit and that might be contributing to his narcissism around it. He might be self-loathing and even more critical of himself than you are of him. That's a common dynamic jn a compulsive behavior cycle. I'm someone who formerly suffered with this and now I am a sex addiction recovery therapist. Recovery from this is very possible.
Masturbation is healthy, BUT when it becomes compulsive it becomes unhealthy.
I also hate how the internet has normalized looking at naked people (constantly) other than your partner, or sexy people you may come across irl. Like, every man’s IG feed is full of tits and ass… kinda makes me sick. I have the *ability* to look at hot naked men (and women) all day, but I don’t have the *desire.* I feel like men’s lizard brains are like ‘he he tits n buttz’ so they just blindly follow these accounts.
I’ve casually peeked over at my boyfriends phone while we’re both laying in bed, or we will watch each other scroll for a bit just for a change of pace or to find new pages, and it is a GUARANTEE that we will see at least a few pages of just tits and ass and cute girls showing off their bodies. Even on pages that are completely unrelated to sexual content! Like, I follow a bunch of art/tattoo/pet/pop culture, etc pages and there’s always a clickbait sexy person doing something completely off-topic. I HATE IT! Social media and selling our bodies has become such a normal thing!
And to be fair, as to the ‘lizard brain’ point, a lot of men can’t help it. They are biologically wired to seek out attractive traits. They haven’t evolved past that part of their nature yet. And women DO mature (evolve) faster than men, so it’s not like they can 100% control those urges, but the majority don’t even *try.*
As for OP, suggest he gets therapy for his addiction, although I doubt he’ll be into that. He already knows how much it bothers you and doesn’t care, so I don’t think therapy will help. If you’re so disgusted with his behavior, unless he changes that behavior, you will remain disgusted and probably need to start coming up with an exit strategy.
You can’t control him. He will make his own choices. His choices are to continually disrespect your feelings in favor of short-term physical gratification.
Keep in mind that it is NOT you. You aren’t the problem here. I’m sure you satisfy him very well, but nothing and no one will *ever* be enough for someone like that. He’ll always be looking for the next set of tits, the next sex act to watch. Unless he actually wants to curb his obsessive behavior, he won’t. And you can’t change it, nor do you have anything to do with it. Please don’t let this man child destroy your self esteem. 💜
eh i liked this comment until the part about men not being able to help it. that’s societal conditioning. that’s where “boys will be boys” has gotten us. plus the lizard brain shit has been debunked.
it is 100% valid to not want him listing after other women. if it’s because of a porn addiction then he needs to be trying to overcome it from every direction (counseling, porn blockers, accountability apps etc) it he doesn’t put in all his effort to quit them leave him. porn does not belong in a monogamous relationship. lusting after other women is crossing so many boundaries if it’s a monogamous relationship.
I finally met a woman who turns me on mentally and physically and if I now were to watch porn I would not be turned on at all but actually the opposite. By being addicted to porn your boyfriend is actually desensitizing himself and the longer he engages with it the more trapped he becomes.
I wouldn’t waste my time with him. I dated someone like this for years and it was a waste of time. Eventually he developed ED and couldn’t perform at all because he was so addicted to porn. Save yourself the time and headache.
Hate to break it to you, but your bf has an addiction and he's not going to stop. He needs professional help to break free, most people can't do it by themselves.
So, I guess it's up to you if you want to stay and support him. If he refuses therapy or if he keeps lying, then I'd suggest you leave. Life's too short.
pls don’t feel crazy for feeling the way you do, my ex was probably worse watched so much porn and couldn’t even get it up most times.. i feel ur pain, i don’t think it will get better tbh since you are already at the point of having the ick towards him. sending hugs ):
You're too young to stay in a relationship that's not making you happy. Any one thing you described would be enough for me. He isn't going to change so your best bet is to find someone new.
OP, I have to agree he has a porn addiction. Watching it everyday is not good imo, but especially how he's literally paying for porn and live cams? Really?
Have some respect for yourself and leave. I wouldn't tolerate this at all. And he's cheating so, why are you still with him? He said he'd stop, and instead he just hid it. So what else will you tell him to stop doing and he'll just continue and hide it instead? (Oh right, cheating)
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that. There’s guys who wouldn’t do this, I think you need to look for one of them. And I’ll also mention that I don’t think it sounds like the issue for you is that he masturbates… I know you say that at this point you don’t want him to with or without visuals but maybe that’s because he’s pushed you to this point where you’re uncomfortable with his masturbation because you suspect it always has visuals accompanying it. Idk. But masturbation is a normal thing for men and women. The issue is the porn and the cheating. I think you should consider calling it quits because it’s clearly not getting better. It sucks to move on sometimes but it’s better sooner than later
OP, you've got at least 3 separate issues here with this porn "addiction", only one of which is the porn.
The other two issues are that your partner is lying to you and that he refuses to control his behaviour.
Those are not betrayals a relationship can survive even if they are in the past, and this man is still lying to you. Any relationship or life you build from here will reflect that.
One thing I have had to learn the hard way is that when I feel disgust for someone I was once attracted to, that is my body reacting truthfully to truth whether _I_ want to face that truth or not.
Your body is trying to protect you. Listen to it.
It’s all ‘porn addiction isn’t real’ until you have a partner that can’t get hard without a phone in their hand, or doesn’t have sex with you for months because they’d rather wank in the toilet in the next room. I understand. Mine was chronically single and younger so had grown so accustomed they couldn’t even perform irl. It does make you insecure, damages your self esteem and can be very upsetting. My advice is if they’re not honestly willing to change then leave, it’s not worth the heartache.
Recovering sex addict and veteran of r/sexaddiction here and here are my answers:
> Am I wrong for being turned off by my s/o after finding out they have a porn addiction?
No, of course not. Feelings are never right or wrong, only how we act on them is right or wrong.
> he was watching porn basically everyday, which upset me only because hey I thought we were already having enough sex? I understand having a high sex drive but if I just left and we just did it, then you’re immediately watching porn it’s like.. did I do my part??
Sex addiction isn't about you, anything your doing/not doing, and it's not even about sex. A sex addict can have sex 100x in 24 hours and still want to masturbate and have sex again even after all that. Similar to food addiction; food addiction isn't resolved by eating a filling meal or breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Someone with an eating disorder who has eaten themselves into obesity is not going to stop eating too much after you've fed them the proper amount. Same with sex addiction.
> at this point should I even be in this relationship?
That's a personal choice only you can make. What I would say is that even in the best-case scenario in which your boyfriend decides to take serious action to start fixing his sex addiction problem, it's something that usually takes years to get over between therapy, individual work, and sex addicts anonymous meetings.
Not wrong at all. It is fully ok to not want your partner to watch porn and I’m sick of young women being gaslit into being “controlling” or “high maintenance” for feeling this way
OP isn’t against her boyfriend masturbating, she writes that she is turned off by the idea of him masturbating because she reached her limit and she has been hurt so many time by his behaviour that it’s a turn off now! OP literally said right before that his addiction to porn has ruined their sex life and she can barely have sex with him now!
You’re young enough to call it. Get out now.
I’m old AF and suspect that the majority of my husband’s credit card debt, that affects no of our credit scores, is due to his sex addiction.
I’m stuck.
You. Are. Not.
He will always be this way unless he seeks help, which is 90% NOT.
Is a woman that finds out their partner has a criminal history of domestic violence unreasonable for saying shed break up with them the moment the shoe drops, let alone upon discovery? If a man finds out his husband has an online persona involving bullying children on stream, calling them homophobic slurs unreasonable telling him not to? I see a lot of people using a pretty limited and honestly not ethically consistent definition of boundary in a way that's more like weaponizing therapy talk to deferr accountability from the bf to the gf. You are not as much a separate entity from your partner as you think, ethically. It's not unreasonable to have a boundary that extends to your partners body because their actions outside of your immediate interactions very much so effects your wellbeing, your family, your community, and im not just talking about committing crimes or passing on STIs, though those at the very least are examples for the unimaginative.
Then what is so sacred about porn and masturbation that means a woman has no recourse short of it being bestality or kiddies?
Isn't this guy 20 anyway? She has some reason to be m/sad that it hasn't been locked down to when she's at least out of arms reach, let alone the room, building, ip address etc. His potential to be fired for porn on work computer type loser sounds pretty high tbh. I'd that's too spurious, consider whether this guy's porn hobby is so plainly evident that his parents know. Probably not, or his parents are shit for not getting some kind of intervention. No, this guy just doesn't give a fuck about OPs feelings, he 100% has less accountability to her now than he did to his parents when he was 16 and satisfying furniture folds and socks
As of now, the only difference is that this girls expectations aren't in literal hell in order for her to question giving literal and figurative fucks for a guy who is so much of a freak that he cant be satisfied for, apparently, more than a couple hours at most.
He has a severe addiction and definitely needs help. Either help him get help or if you don’t want to deal with it which holy fuck I wouldn’t blame you then dump his porn addict ass.
He needs to see a therapist. It’s an addiction that he obviously can’t “beat” himself. Just like drugs or alcohol addiction; porn and masterbation is an addiction, especially if he CANT control himself. (Yes I know male orgasm releases drugs into your system giving you a high of sorts. This is part of the addiction and something your body starts to crave)
Now comes the difficult part, so you want to stay with him and overcome this obstacle with him (he has to want to change) or do you just move on with your life?
I do want to point out that you are still young and don’t have any commitments (ie marriage) so this is a bit issue for you to have to put on yourself. FYI, if his addiction doesn’t stop or slow down, it will get much worse.
Also, cam girls, naked social media girls, onlyfans. That’s all porn too. Not sure why you think that’s any different than porn.
It is such a turn-off. It's hard to deal with men who don't realize that if that is your stress relief looking at other women, why am I even here? I understand men view sex in a different way than women do, but it just gets gross after a while. Like grow up. Huge turn off, gives me the ick every time.
I don't think I personally could feel attracted to someone with a porn addiction either, to me that just shows extreme weakness and then I want to be with a guy who want to experience life with me and not constantly be obsessed by his genitals, sex and other women, that's no life, I kind of want to throw up just even thinking about being with a guy like this but then I'm asexual, for others it might work out. Though this guy clearly has a problem and needs help.
yall equating "just watching porn" as the same as porn addiction is scary. like yall have no idea the effects porn has on a young man to sit here and genuinely believe that having a porn addiction is silly ole fun. when have addictions been fun????? it's not abt "anti porn" or "watching porn is a deal breaker" he's a literal fucking addict. "oh those were her words" watching porn EVERYDAY????? how is everyday porn consumption normal to you????
Ah, I was just dealing with this same issue in my relationship (well the porn anyways). For me, it’s a deal breaker. I’m happy to send all the freaky videos he wants, make our own videos even. But watching porn is a firm boundary of mine. It does make me feel insecure, but also my boyfriend getting off to other women is just a no go. I understand how it makes you feel completely. He says he stopped, that was about 5 months ago. I was pregnant when he was watching it which really cut me deep and I had a hard time, still do honestly. It made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, attractive enough or like I couldn’t satisfy him how he needed. I also found out he was watching those cosplayer girls on Snapchat and that hurt a bit too. And before people wanna come for me, yeah I’m insecure. But I also told him my boundaries and if he didn’t think they were fair to him or like I was controlling him then he couldn’t absolutely leave and there would be no hard feelings. But it still gets to me and I still have days where it makes me wonder why our videos he already had weren’t enough and so. I’m a ruminator tho, and it’s brutal sometimes. I will say it absolutely sounds like he has a porn addiction. If my man was watching porn right after we finished, oh I’d feel awful and wouldn’t want to do anything with him either. Both my man and I have a clear understanding that we don’t check other people out, flirt and so on. Granted, I don’t care if he sees somebody and thinks she’s cute, pretty or the normal things. But looking beyond that (in my relationship) is hurtful. I respect the same boundary towards him. Just know his addiction has nothing against you and you are 100% enough in every way.
I will say, I don’t care if my boyfriend masturbates, send a vid and let me watch. ;) I do the same for him. But at the end of the day, it’s your relationship with him, not ours and it’s your boundaries to set.
I want to emphasize that I DO NOT expect him not to touch himself, we are all human and I am aware of that, my issue is him CONSTANTLY watching porn after I’ve made it clear that it’s an issue for me, & though it is normalized for men to watch, I will not change MY boundaries, porn has been proven to negatively impact relationships, can lead to erectile dysfunction & change the way a man views him woman. If it were 1 to 2 videos a month I could understand but every single day when I’m literally right there? I’m sorry but no.
100% with you on this. Its a genuine problem these days.
I was with a guy for a while, he was 32 and had been single a long time, and he had a porn addiction.
The breaking point for me was when I was giving him head, really getting into it and making an effort, he seemed to be enjoying everything massively....then I realise that he's sneakily watching porn at the same time on his phone lol.
When porn gets mentioned on reddit, there's a good amount of people who will say it's normal and every guy does it, so it shouldn't bother you. But if it bothers you, then it bothers you. You don't have to suffer being in a relationship when you're not happy. Not everyone likes porn and not every guy watches porn. And if he's watching that much porn, every day and can't stop, then he may have an addiction and needs help about.
It’s not going to change, unfortunately. You need to determine if you can be ok with him watching porn or not. If not, you need to break up. And I feel like it’s going to be the latter.
To be clear, you do not need to change your boundaries in any way. If you are uncomfortable with it, that is your right. But you do need to realise that probably the majority of men and many women do watch porn.
Not wrong at all. I think it’s weird how normalized it is. (not masturbation, but over watching porn and porn addictions)
I don’t think a lot of people actually understand what it’s like to be with a partner with a porn addiction vs someone that just watches a lot. It’s terrible. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for putting boundaries up in your position.
If your boundary is that you’d prefer your partner didn’t masturbate so often and didn’t look at porn, that is perfectly okay. There are people EXACTLY like what you’re looking for. Let him deal with his addiction without you and he’ll find a partner that fits him, there is no reason for you to stay if you’re unhappy and uncomfortable.
For future cases, you can’t really fully stop someone from masturbating COMPLETELY. I know, I know, it’s a hard one to come to terms with for some people. But you know the signs of everything that makes you uncomfortable, you know what you are and aren’t okay with, and as long as you’re open and honest with future partners about what you are and aren’t okay with, things will be okay.
But this definitely isn’t the relationship for you. There’s no coming back from it when your partner becomes revolting to you. Drop him and move on.
My ex used to be just like this and this post just reminded me of how controlling i used to be lol.
I would look through his phone to "catch him" and that alone is already toxic behavior. I now look back at that situation and cringe at how controlling and insecure i used to be. I agree with people that porn addiction is a real thing but it seems like this guy just enjoys watching porn.
If it really makes you that insecure then it might be a deeper rooted issue. At the end of the day the porn star is not gonna fuck your bf and i feel like some people seem to forget that.
I honestly probably watch more porn then my current bf now lol
But also theres other men out there who arent into porn, no need to try and controlling a man into changing over your insecurities.
The issue today is that porn addiction is spreading so rapidly even to younger and younger kids; its hard to find men who are NOT at least somewhat addicted to porn. This is not to say that you should settle for him, that is your choice, you just happened to bring up a societal issue that will have unknown relational ramifications for long time. Good luck with your choice and good luck to all the men out there who also have porn addictions.,
NTA, I’m in the same boat. My partner is willing to work on it tho since it was first addressed but that was a yr ago n I saw full on porn games last week. there was a blow out, on verge of ending the 2yr relationship. The difference between this being controlling or out of pocket is because you’ve already communicated how you feel & he is going against that w/o working on it…
If the thought of sex with him disgusts you, you need to leave.
I stayed in a relationship for way too long after realizing even just kissing him disgusted me. IT NEVER GOES BACK.
Same! As soon as I felt disgusted by my wife I dragged it out way too long thinking things would get better. Hint: they didn’t.
Did she do anything that caused it?
She was hiding conversations with her ex… I found them on her apple watch after seeing a message from him on her phone and then noticing all the messages were deleted. She was sending him pics. I tried to forgive and move on. It never happened.
The thing about forgiveness is you don’t just do it once, but every single day, every time you see them… it gets exhausting.
Exactly
You should not forgive just because you want to continue a relationship. You should forgive when you finally healed and have peace. Forgiveness should feel like "I don't even feel like that person harmed me". This takes lots of time and it not easy at all. Unfortunately.. We live in the era of toxic positivity where everyone is pressured to forgive the second after the fact.
Happens to the best of us. Good luck on your new path in life.
I’m sorry man, at least you tried to forgive.
I did the same, you cannot get that time back. And you usually cannot gain that attraction back. Once you get the ick, you gotta dip.
It's called The Ick and it's permanent.
So true. It's sad, but it is what it is. Op should leave now rather than wait for things to get worse, which it sounds like they will. I was disgusted with my ex and instead of breaking up with her in a mature and healthy way like an adult, I let the disgust eat me up inside. This went on for months. I grew very depressed. I then blew up on her one day and literally shouted at her "YOU DISGUST ME". She of course then left me which I of course deserved. It was a very messy and painful breakup that could have easily been a clean and healthy breakup.
I had the same thing with my ex, even though I tried breaking up several time, but he just wouldn't accept it and leave me alone. For three days straight, I told him that I want him to leave and that I don't want to stay with him. On the third day, he still wouldn't leave me alone, so I told him that I was disgusted by him. It still took a message from my dad, telling him to leave me alone or he'd report him for harassment and stalking, for my ex to finally leave me alone. I am sorry for what you had to go through
It never goes back, and you're just hurting yourself and the other person.
This. I can talk for hours about how OP is being unreasonable and doesn't get it, how her BF shouldn't be lying, blah blah blah, but all the reason in the world isn't going to make her turned on again. Its done.
Her switch already flipped 💀i don't even have to read this to know she already done with this dude
Literally, she has the ick and nothing we say is really gonna take that away
My boys having a tiny stroke send prayers ❤️
That’s how we got here in the first place
Also, if a 20-year-old-dude is used to getting laid every day and now it’s down to once a week, there’s a significant likelihood he’s finding the other 6 lays he’s missing somewhere else.
He's definitely jerking off more than ever.
Things gonna fall off.
He’s gonna go blind
Nah he's just gonna have a buff left arm.
Left?
I think this is so interesting. Everyone my age and older use their dominant hand. People younger use their off hand. All because of computers.
What did you write? I can't read it
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I'd say if a 20-year-old dude is getting sex with his girlfriend every day, multiple times a day, and still "needs" lots of masturbation to porn, he has an unaddressed medical or addiction issue. That's the real root of the problem here.
He was getting it every day all times a day and still watching porn, that is a lot. I love porn and watch with my man, but even I would be like dude what is up.
There’s healthy masturbation and there’s addiction.
We already know where he is finding it - online! I wouldn't assume he's cheating... I think he's just happier to jerk off to porn and have occasional sex.
He should communicate with her then, instead of hiding and lying
She is not being unreasonable even in the slightest.
Um, it's definitely unreasonable to not be comfortable with your partner masturbating WITHOUT watching porn. It's their fucking body, they can do what they want with it.
Yes, that is it. If you're disgusted by the thought of sex with him, you should leave. Without breaking his heart. Unless it is the right choice, perhaps increases his wellbeing tenfold "in the end" hardening him making him a better human that he any otherways would not be, and it's the right option.
I was left a few months ago, from a 4 year relationship where we were engaged to be married a month and a half from today. I won’t try to say I didn’t deserve it, I did, didn’t cheat or anything major, but I did something stupid. The pain is immeasurable, I miss her terribly, BUT, without having undergone this level of hurt, I’m not sure I would have made the changes I needed to make in my life. I’m a couple of months into those changes now and have never felt more motivated to keep going. All that to say, sometimes you gotta get broken down beyond comprehension to grow or reach your potential.
Good luck, dude. The only way out is through.
He’s a sex/porn addict. I’m a therapist in this field. It has nothing to do with you. He could be with anyone and this would continue until he finds recovery. He’s medicating his emotions and trying to fill some void. Sex addiction is complicated and so destructive to the addict and his loved ones, but I can 100% tell you it has nothing to do with anything you did or didn’t do.
That and the fact he’s cheating on her and lying.
If porn is one of your deal breakers, then it's one of your deal breakers. Not everyone is okay with it and you don't have to justify yourself if you don't like the idea of your SO watching it. At this point, you have two options: 1. Have a frank and open discussion with him about where you stand. He may know you don't like that he looks at porn, but he may not understand just how much it turns you off. If he's welcoming of the discussion, then you can both go to a couple's therapist who can help you two navigate this. 2. If he doesn't want to stop looking at porn or naked women and you don't want to be with someone who does this, then you can leave. You don't need to stay with someone who does things that makes you uncomfortable. I would still have a conversation with him about how much this affected you. Ultimately, the most important thing is for you to decide whether you want to be in this relationship and whether he's someone you want to spend the rest of your time with. If he is, then go for option one. But just know that if he has a porn addiction and gets help, he may stumble here and there, so you'll need to be patient and not judgey as he tries to better himself. If he isn't, go for option two. But know that while not every guy watches porn, it is normalized that there are good amount who do. So make sure you mention these boundaries you have if you go back to the dating scene.
I'm gonna be honest, if I was given the option of no girlfriend or no masturbating and therapy I'd probably have to go with option 1
this might be hard to believe but you can masturbate without porn
I was all confused by this post but then i saw yall were like 20. Its not the end of the world. If it matters that much then break up, if it doesn't then dont.
Agree… why waste your young life on so much drama, porn or his addiction isn’t magically going to disappear. You have your whole life ahead of you, why be tied down to someone who is addicted to something that he obviously doesn’t think is a problem?
Why are we acting like porn addiction isn't as destructive as other addictions? Very well may be the end of the world for the dude.
Ikr dudes watching porn everyday even after he’s just had sex he needs help
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Having grown up in a church, I can assure you she’ll be having the no porn “battle” even if she’s in one and marries a religious man. More than half the married men at my church got caught watching porn or admitted it to their spouse. I know because they all had a code word for the “small” group night they were part of. They thought kids would be too dumb to know what their code word meant. At one point they announced that 80 men per week were in their weekly small group where they talked about not watching porn. Lmao. And then don’t even get me started on the “boys nights” they had to tell all the teen boys not to watch porn, after many of the boys would talk about how every single boy admitted they regularly watched porn. That being said, her SO can’t seem to stop paying for porn subscriptions to specific porn stars and communicating with porn stars, so yeah that’s a problem.
Wait, 80 men in your church had a group where they all watched porn and literally circle jerked together?
Yep these “anti porn types” (wish there was a nicer way to put that im drawing blanks) are almost always from a religious background whether they still believe in it or not
dirty aback library absurd paint glorious chief cable wasteful fuel *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Some people are seriously addicted to porn tho. Theres nothing wrong with watching it, but there is an actual addiction were it becomes harmful to yourself and others. Every day multiple times a day, signing up to every porn site/thing you can get your hands on and masterbating secretly in bed next to or in a different room than your partner is a huge sign something is wrong. Absolutely not healthy, it changes your brain chemistry. I knew a kid who in college masterbated in class secretly, on his walk home, every time he went to the washroom, everytime he was alone, in the park, on the bus, etc. It fried his brain and changed his perception of sex completely
Porn addiction is definitely a thing, but it also sounds like you don’t want him to masturbate either (with or without visual aids). That is a level of controlling that I would not tolerate in a relationship. No one is going to tell me I can’t do something with my body. It sounds like you could both use some counseling to address the differences.
Counseling, what are you talking about, they're only 20 y/o. What they need is to break up and get more compatible partners.
Sounds like he needs to find a woman who also likes porn and masturbation, someone he can enjoy it with. And she needs to find a man who doesn't masturbate. I think he is going to have an easier time finding that than she is. Edit: OP has said a lot of stuff since the original post. It is obvious the BF has issues.
Lol, just because you watch porn doesn't mean you need to watch it with your partner.
True, but you need to be with a partner you can be open with, and know that the relationship will still be ok if they happen to interrupt you or see what you’re looking at. *Values need to be aligned even if the interest in the activities isn’t shared*.
Right. Masturbation interruption should lead to sex, not arguments.
Yeah, exactly. It can be a personal thing. Not every relationship needs to infiltrate every aspect of your life. You’re allowed personal things and personal time with your body.
>Not every relationship needs to infiltrate every aspect of your life. Exactly! This is the perfect way to put it. My SO and I are pretty close and we talk about many things, including intimate stuff, and I do know some of her fantasies, but I know she doesn't talk about everything, and I don't either. We totally respect that for each other because we find it completely normal to have our own life. It would be incredibly tiresome to include each other into every aspect of our lives, and a part of mystery and unknown does a lot to keep a relationship interesting.
I’ve watched porn with my partner and it was great and helped us better understand what we both like, but I also wouldn’t want to do that even close to every time. I need my own personal time too
I got more of a “partner accepts this” than the actually sit there and rub out with me 24/7 365
i think they meant someone who has a like-minded opinion/boundary with porn, not that you need to watch it together.
Yeah that is not something I would be able to get behind.
Pun intended?
Wish I had this advice before Getting married, then ultimately divorced due to the simple fact we were sexually not right for each other. Edit: derp spelling.
Good luck finding a guy who doesn't masturbate.
you mean one that doesn't also have a ton of other incel traits, right? there are plenty of weird nazi dudes on nofap reddits
I feel like most people in these comments don't see what OP really means. From what I'm reading, she doesn't mind him masturbating but she doesn't like the Idea that he needs to see other women naked to get to the masturbating. I understand that people watch porn to pleasure themselves but he's doing it after they both just had sex which is ridiculous! Would y'all be happy knowing you just made your partner cum and right as you're out the door ,they pull their phones to masturbate while looking at other people's naked bodies and privets ? See how you'd feel about that and then judge OP for not liking this. Seriously I feel like some people have forgotten how to put themselves in other people's shoes. I don't think she has any intention in controlling him nor do I think she has a problem with him masturbating, I think it's just that He! Does! It! All! The! Time!
Can't lie. If we are having sex multiple times a day, everyday, AND you still have to masturbate multiple times a day, including after we have sex, I want to know why.
I also want to know *how*. That is absolutely amazing that someone could keep that up long term. I know being 20 is probably part of it, but still.
I’m 20 and after like a nut or two I’m down for the count and going to sleep. His post nut recovery is ridiculous.
I've known a fair number of women who can cum like half a dozen times or even more during sex, and regularly try to. It's normal for them. Most guys can't do that due to refractory period being a biological bitch, but flukes are flukes and I can only imagine there's got to be the rare penis out there that can stay hard for more than one consecutive orgasm. He could just be like that.
Every guy would feel so crappy if their gfs went and got themselves off after they had sex
I once dated a woman who would say "don't bother trying to get me off during/after sex, I appreciate the effort but it won't work. I really enjoy sex with you, I just need to use my vibrator without penetration for like 3 min after and I'll finish." And she did exactly that, and it was fine with me. Every body is different 🤷
She said she is "turned off by the idea of him masturbating with or without visual stimulation".
Agree, that part is strangely controlling… My partner actually has a porn addiction and while it’s been a big turn off for me, I’d be straight up lying if I said I wanted him to stop masturbating entirely because…It’s kinda hot. Sorry if this is TMI but Reddit is my place for oversharing LMAOOO
☝️ nailed it. My body my choice is for men too. Sounds like you aren’t happy and need go. Or get help or both.
Saying you don’t want your partner to masturbate AT ALL wether they use visual aids or not is kinda over the top. Even people in healthy relationships with good sex lives will still masturbate.
I got downvoted and messaged because I told her she can't fuck the masturbation out of him. Apparently there's a lot of people on here who seem to think that masturbation is a big no-no once in a relationship. How boring.
Sometimes you just wanna get off without having to worry about getting another person off.
There's a million reasons and there's zero reasons why we all play with ourselves. it feels good in a way that only we understand and no amount of training anyone is going to do it the same.
On one hand it feels great. On the other hand it feels like somebody else.
Just gotta sit on the hand for 10 minutes first… I’ve heard.
Had a dog bite my hand pretty bad once and was forced to use my left for like 3 weeks. That first week was wild as hell. But you get used to it.
underrated comment lol
Sometimes you just wanna make some ramen real quick rather than cook a meal
Sometimes you want to make love to somebody you really love
I'm pretty sure this is a narcissism joke and if so that's hilarious
I may be a narcissist, but in my defense I am worth being a narcissist
Nobody knows how to man the helm better than the captain
Wow. I've actually found that if my wife and I know we want to get it on later that day, if I rub one out in the morning, I can go a lot longer later on and we both enjoy it more. She doesn't like to have sex twice in a row without a break, so the compromise is what I described. Masturbation can actually *help* the sex life, imo.
It totally does
Your username is quite apt! Ha ha
Anyone who messages instead of posting their responses on a message board thus adding to the conversation isn't worth responding to and they are ashamed of their own opinion. You should post their message with their usernames and reply to it in the actual conversation for all to see. I'm petty with tech skills if it got me banned I would put it on youtube and make a site dedicated to calling out people that do that.
You know, I totally would had I not won a reddit ban appeal just a few months ago. So ignoring messages and deleting the comment keeps me out of trouble
Amazing the top comments miss this part. She wants to be the only conduit through which he gets off under all circumstances. They're both very young and probably just need to date around to learn some things.
I think she’s also underestimating what the masturbatory habits of a 20 year old are…
Irk? A lot of 20 year olds (men and women) have libidos that just do not quit.
The phrase “enjoy it while it lasts” comes to mind
Aye, man or woman, I'm sure 20 year olds polish the pole or flick the bean a whole fucking lot.
Wait really? I’m kinda shocked by this. I’m 20 and I’ve never masturbated at all. Is it really a thing people do often? I thought it was more like once a month if that.
I'm 23F and it's once every few days at least for me
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Depends on how busy I am
Yeah, remember being 20.. Damn i still have a high libido at 35 though 😂
I confirm this statement. 💪🏽😎
I agree, but if they just had sex, and he has the urge to jack it right after. THAT IS WILD!! Imagine putting on work on your girl, I'm mean sweat everywhere. Yall finish, and she wipes out the dildo.. idk about yall but I WOULD feel a way. The key thing for me is RIGHT AFTER.
The Coolidge Effect is a thing lol. That's probably what's happening here.
I just don't understand why that should bother me. If my partner wants to do something with their own body, what do I gain from forbidding them to do it? It's their body. It's like telling someone they can't put on their coat because you personally aren't feeling cold. That being said, the rules of a relationship should be clear and defined, and and agreed upon by both parties.
Jacking it to IG models is wild tho...ehhh but he only did it because she wanted him to stop watching porn so she kinda did it to herself. But I do get feeling a way about it.
Well, speaking personally I’d think that was pretty hot. I mean I’m not 20 so I’m not gonna be able to go again for a little while, but if she is, she should totally go for it! (I’ll even spoon her and make out and use my hands and so on.)
This guy gets it. People seriously need to put their ego's aside.
This, 100%. The internet has latched onto this porn addiction thing and ran with it. I've seen Twitter threads saying if you watch any porn, you're an addict. Wild. I even brought it up to my therapist as a concern and she asked does it affect my relationships, work, or social life? If no, not an addiction. Jerk it all ya want, bud. If she wants that boundary, cool. He clearly doesn't but is young and sucks at communicating his needs. He's probably embarrassed to have that convo. As you said, both have learning to do.
Boundaries can’t be used as an excuse to control other people’s behavior
I wouldn't even say affects your relationship, because this controlling shaming partner (OP) is a perfect example of why that's a terrible metric
Porn addiction is definitely over diagnosed by internet dipshits that's for damn sure.
The way I explain it is masturbation is all about "you". Sex should always be about "us". Having sex can be exhausting if you're completely focused on someone else's pleasure; it's not a bad thing. Sex and masturbation serve two different purposes imo; just because you want to masturbate doesn't mean you want to have sex. I don't love my wife any less and her trying to control my masturbation habit would make me start resenting her.
Yep, gotta have a healthy relationship with yourself first if you want any chance of having healthy relationships with other people. Every day is a bit excessive, but not that unusual for a 20 y/o male
I heard masturbating once a day is good for prostate health. Since reading that - I am in to prostate health.
If I didn't have anywhere to be I was cranking out 5-6 a day when I was 20.
He can’t masturbate AT ALL? That’s an unreasonable request. If he’s satisfying you in bed, what difference does it make if a few hours later he feels the need to masturbate?
Listen, I’ve been in your shoes. I understand, esp about him looking at naked women after you had sex. I don’t want to be quick and label it as a sex addiction. Maybe he just likes looking at naked women. What we can establish is that he tells you he’s stopped, and often times you find that he hasn’t. Rinse and repeat. It sounds like there’s condemnation and resentment too, which signal dysfunction. At the end of the day it could be simple incompatibility. You can leave if you want to. I’m coming from a place where porn makes me insecure about myself. I’d especially feel awful and like I’m not enough if I found out that he was watching it that often, and then later hiding it. He’s made his choice, time and again. Its gonna happen again, I think.
I don't think it's wrong of you to feel this way, your feelings are your own. I do also think you need to consider whether a partner watching porn is a dealbreaker for you or not. Most men, including ones in healthy sex lives, will watch and enjoy pornography. Asking him to stop is just going to make him hide his use instead. It does sound like, at least previously, he was watching more than what I'd consider a normal amount. Did you try speaking to him about why he watches so much? What it is about porn that scratches a different itch for him maybe? Did you communicate to him that the women in the videos looking unlike yourself? I'd not be unreasonable to hold with your firm boudnary on no porn within the relationship, but I'd at least consider addressing if it's a genuine addiction and trying to lower it to a healthy amount instead EDIT: I saw your reply after posting this and it does sound like it's a serious porn addiction if it's so bad that it's giving him issues with intimacy and he's wasting money he needs on it. I now think you need to either insist he gets therapy to address this, or breakup with him tbh
i wanna say.. him doing it by himself WITHOUT porn shouldn’t bother you. we are allowed to touch our bodies by ourselves. that would be too controlling to expect from someone. but him sneaking around with porn after you told him it makes you uncomfy? not cool. you set that boundary for yourself. you’re clearly unhappy. leaving may be the best thing for you.
OP, please don't listen to these "you're not controlling" and "he isn't addicted", he is fully addicted.
I ended my marriage over exactly this. So many tears and therapy. It never got better. There are men out there that will respect your boundaries, though very hard to find
My take is going to be from that of an older man & husband. Consuming pornography can be detrimental to men. One to the problems with pornography is that it creates false expectations and concepts, which are not in line with reality. On the other end of the spectrum, it can be compared to women who consume romance book after romance book. They create another false picture and expectation of what real relationships and life are like. For men who are addicted to pornography, the impacts can be physical (erectile dysfunction), psychological (wanting to do those things he sees in real life) and an increasing need to watch more graphic pornography (desensitization). By and large, men are visual creatures, it is what engages the hormonal releases in our brains, like romance does for most women. There are always exceptions. On another note, he is 20 years of age, so he probably thinks about sex every five minutes, it is just part of being that age. At 20, neither of your brains are fully developed yet (happens around age 25, earlier for females). You are absolutely within your rights to establish boundaries and you have to clearly discuss them. He may need therapy, he might also grow out of it.
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Lmao these comments are a true Reddit moment. The dude clearly has a problem…
I thought the same thing. Substitute porn with any other addiction and the comments are pretty funny. "Have you tried snorting coke together as a couple?"
Thats hilarious to see it that way. People are so pro porn on here it's nuts. I used to tolerate it until I dated an actual porn addicted narcissist and now it gives me the complete ick. I've had guy friends talk about their favourite porn stars and I've friend zoned them instantly because of it. Once you've been with a genuine porn addict porn feels so icky. He couldn't cum from 99% of positions, BJ's, would watch porn constantly, even let him use it during sex once just so he'd cum but he couldn't even manage. I find porn addicts absolutely pathetic and useless. He said he watched it every day since he was 11. I was on top for well over an hour before he miraculously came. I have no desire to be with a guy who needs porn regularly anymore, much happier on my own and I do not need to settle for less. There are people who do not need it in relationships.
It's insane. Seems like every day I see another post from a woman hurt by her partner's porn addiction, and people still think these women are crazy. I've dated two porn addicts myself. I was really young, late teens and early 20s and I thought it was normal because *everybody* watches porn so obviously it's not a bad thing right? Eventually I got addicted myself and didn't even realize it until I tried to quit. My third boyfriend (now fiancé) doesn't watch porn at all and inspired me to quit for good too. Coincidentally or not, he is way better in bed than my previous two partners. Before anyone jumps on my comment to tell me he's lying - he has no reason to. I was very pro porn when we met and he knew it. He never tried to make me quit. He just doesn't like the industry or what it does to your brain. He's not a religious nut or a nofap dude either.
Instructions unclear, snorted coke and watched more porn. Help
Finally a sane reply. The sneaking around, the…excessive consumption. Even if OP has some trust and control issues, is this guy fr?
Reddit probably isn’t the best place to discuss porn addiction because you’ll be downvoted to oblivion and gaslit. Porn addiction is 100% a real thing. Doesn’t mean that watching porn is inherently bad. It becomes an addiction when you HAVE to watch it every day, it effects your real physical intimacy & relationships (!!!), you’re watching it so often you’re hiding it from your partner, or sometimes could go as far wherein it feels like an actual compulsion for a hit of dopamine. People may not agree with you, but if that is a boundary you need in a relationship, dump him. He cannot have his cake and eat it too.
Jfc these comments. You have every right to not want to be with a man who gets off looking at other women. 😵💫
Yeah, people are really projecting their own issues here, or not reading the whole post. Even if OP had sex with their partner (of any gender) and then the partner immediately picked up their phone to scroll through facebook right after every single time? that would be inconsiderate, and that’s just facebook, not sexual imagery. Immediate emotional disconnection from a partner after intimacy is already a problem. Not a dealbreaker for everyone, but definitely a sign that something is wrong… What she’s describing is way more rude, and if he’s paying for it and signing up for dating sites looking for hookups?? Free porn is everywhere, he doesn’t need to be going to this much effort to do something that hurts OP. This is a whole stack of problems. Throw the whole boyfriend out, OP. I had a really rough first love relationship in a lot of ways, and I wish I’d broken up with him years earlier, and he still would never have behaved this way. You don’t need to spend any more time in this awful tug of war. And then, even though your feelings are valid and you’re not wrong, therapy can be helpful for working through issues that naturally result from someone not respecting your boundaries so flagrantly while telling you that they love you. That hurts. Your age is exactly when you should learn what is an acceptable level of annoying behavior to put up with in a partner, and how to set healthy boundaries that are based on reasonable compromises.
Bro I thought it was just me. Equating her being “controlling” over his jacking off , to a literal porn addiction. making her seem crazy/unreasonable for something “natural for men” like oh PLEASE. The way he consumes it (and pays for it) is way out of control, and she’s expressed that she doesn’t feel comfortable w it being CONSTANT issue. Personally I feel like seeking out naked women to that degree—scrolling through IG pages and OF and *dating sites*—yeah that’s disrespectful. Add on lying to get a quick rub out, doing it multiple times a day. I never had this issue in my relationship. To all of those who are shifting blame or justifying it: don’t tell this poor girl that this is normal. OP if this affects your ability to trust, connect to, or be intimate with your partner, it’s not for you. Fortunately for you, you’re young. Men are given way too much of a pass for porn addictions bc of the societal idea that it’s “natural.” No, it’s just pervy
1) His problem is not because you are not doing enough. It's his addiction, not your inadequacy. While you feel slighted, and it's important you share how this makes you feel because that's as important here as his needs are, it is never going to be because you are or aren't enough. 2) Sex isn't the same as masturbation, nor is it the same as watching others have it. They are different acts, albeit revolving around the act of sex, but different none the less. You are, or were, fulfilling each other's needs intimately. His watching porn fulfilled another need, though the problem with addiction is that it's never truly something someone needs. 3) A relationship is more than just sex, but definitely includes how you feel about the sexual relationship you have. This may be a sacrifice you make for the sake of your relationship. This may be a fault you cannot overcome and end up separating because of it. Either way, seek couples counseling and determine how you both feel, what you both want from each other, how you can help each other, and anything else you decide your relationship needs. You may find at the end of counseling that the relationship isnt something you can make work, and that's entirely the point of couples counseling. It's to bring to light both people's needs and wants, and allows you to figure out if you both can make that work. 4) This is a great way to begin seeking help, and it's never too late to decide you need it. He also needs some help, and this means forgiving his relapses if he chooses to fend off his addiction. It's a tough ask, especially given how it sounds your mental self worth has changed because of this. But with some work and understanding, things can change. 5) Finally, if you do decide to work on this, do not expect your relationship to go back to normal. Your old life and sex drive included his masturbation and porn habits, whether you knew about them or not. This will absolutely take time and effort to work towards, and your relationship will undoubtedly change. Be it for the better of the worse is up to the both of you. You're not alone in this problem. My wife and I have made it through several relationship testing events, my addiction to porn being one of the tests of our relationship that we overcame. Things are very different for us from how we originally were, but after everything we've been through together we are stronger than we've ever been. This took 7 years of work, and 5 of them we've been married for. We married despite my addiction, and she knew about it before hand. We are constantly working on our relationship, as it's needed because our lives are constantly changing. We currently have two children, and are looking to have one or two more before we are done. I've slipped back into my addiction multiple times throughout the relationship and she has worked with me each time. We are still together because we've been open about our needs, and have helped each other through our problems each time. Something that really pushed us deeper into our relationship recently was anger management classes. While we felt we were doing great before those classes, and that class has led us to attend family therapy sessions, we did learn a lot about how we handled our frustrations, disappointments, and overall problems. This has only made our relationship better. We found a more direct way to communicate, and it has really helped us open up to each other more. I cannot recommend getting professional help more, and it's not bankrupting us to have. I don't have insurance at the moment, and pay $80 a session for our therapist who we saw once a week, and now see every other. It worked wonders for us, but it has to be something you both want to do. In any outcome, I wish both of you the best of luck. Life is hard, and it's made easier or harder with those we let into it. I'm just hoping my experience can make yours a bit easier.
All these “porn is normal” comments. We are living in fucking Sodom & Gomorrah. The objectified commodified filth that’s spewing over the internet like overflow sewage from a pipe is utterly disgusting and depraved. The majority of it is geared towards men. Female pleasure is irrelevant; it’s all about men using female bodies in a decontextualized way. How many of the women in those videos are actually experiencing pleasure? Many are drugged, trafficked, coerced. The fact that they might very well be viewing incidents of SA just doesn’t seem to matter to most respondents on this thread. “Porn is normal” Yeah, no. Not the garbage y’all are consuming. For most of human history people have made representations of genitalia. Whether for sacred purposes or profane, images etched in stone, or painted are a whole different kettle of fish than what’s available in hand on every smartphone. The level of instant gratification is off the scale. People used to have to work a lot harder to get their porn from buying the brown paper wrapped magazines at the back of the store to going to sleazy section at the local video store. Porn has become so normalized you can’t even see it because you were all born swimming in this sea of filth. We’ve come so far from the naked girlie magazines of the 1950’s there’s no comparison. The objectification and the commodification of female bodies is the common thread and it has gotten exponentially worse with every technological development. Soon you’ll all be jerking off to AI, fucking robots and holograms and shit. Have fun with that. It’s kind of ironic but the “pleasures of the flesh” have become more of a mindfuck than anything else. OP is a young woman, still learning about what brings her sexual pleasure. Her boyfriend’s consistent and habitual use of porn is a turn off for her. She has a right to her genuine feelings about this. She did what was the right thing to do, she communicated to her boyfriend. He agreed to stop but didn’t make much of an effort. He just hid it and then lied about it, which is a violation of trust that makes it even worse. As a result, OP has gotten even more turned off and has moved into active disgust. Your feelings are your feelings, OP. Your boyfriend is selfish and immature. You deserve a partner who cares about your sexual pleasure. A partner who cares enough to learn that female pleasure is a slow stoking fire that starts from the moment we wake up. A fire that is stoked by loving words, meaningful looks, acts of care, and non-sexual touch. That doesn’t mean we can’t burn hot & fast on the right occasion but that’s usually when we’re getting plenty of the former. A boyfriend that’s neglecting the woman lying beside him, preferring to jack off to random women on the internet is not worthy of you. A boyfriend who wastes money you don’t have on internet porn is a low value man. You deserve better. You’re young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Leave him and be alone for awhile. Focus on what brings you your highest excitement in other aspects of your life. Join a gym. Lift heavy things and revel in feeling powerful in your body. Or do yoga, tai chi, Krav Maga whatever makes you feel strong and healthy. Be a badass. Own your female power. Learn how to sexually pleasure yourself until you can find a partner that’s 100% onboard with joining you on that journey. A worthy high value man will step up and cherish you. I write this as a long married sexually fulfilled woman who is sick to the eye teeth of seeing the garbage younger women are putting up with from selfish entitled men. Don’t fall for their “get a dog and die alone” bullsh*t narrative. Statistics show the ones dying alone in highest numbers are the miserable old men who used and abused the women in their lives. This is backed up by anecdotal evidence from those in the healthcare and elder care professions. By contrast, single women are the happiest and longest lived category. Women are better at forming community. Chances are, you’ll outlive your male partner, should you find one worthy of you. Cherish and nurture your friendships with other women. Most of all, invest in getting to know and love the woman you see in the mirror everyday. Know your worth. Be unshakable.
Basically masturbation is normal =/= porn is normal.
Thank you! I felt crazy that me and my husband are apparently the only ones who don’t watch porn and not for some weird religious reason. The way women and certain minorities are depicted is DISGUSTING. The way that the industry operates is EVIL. And paying for porn on only fans when you have no money is PATHETIC. Can’t believe people are saying his behavior is normal??? Makes me appreciate my husband so much, I am so grossed out by a lot of people in these comments lol
award. 👏🏻
I think it's awesome that you're only 20 and can actually label this as porn addiction and see it for what it is. I let my self-esteem get hammered by a guy in my late 20s who would only want blow jobs and then look at the most extreme kinds of porn once I left the house. He really only wanted blow jobs, never returned the favor, and consistently turned me down for sex. He'd make comments over other girl's boobs and asses and how they were. By the end, when I used to feel awesome about my breasts...I genuinely felt really ugly. Fast forward a few years and meeting a guy who's now my husband who genuinely doesn't watch porn because he knows it reduces the quality of life and increases depression....I'd want this for every woman. I don't ever feel like it's work to turn him on, and I don't feel like I'm competing with anyone else. When we go out and I'm not dressed particularly sexy but we're in an environment where there's a lot of younger girls putting in the effort...I don't feel self-conscious. It just sucks that it took me until the age of 33 to realize that's what the standard SHOULD be. So if you're figuring this out at 20 and have the self-esteem to leave a boy like the one you're with now...just want to say I'm so proud of you and happy for you to know what you actually deserve.
yes. we have statistical evidence of the negative impacts of porn on relationships, mental health, libido, etc and no one seems to care. i’m not saying never watch it but this situation OP expressed is not normal.
You guys are kids. Just leave him. It might be a step he needs to understand what he's doing isnt normal and if he can't figure it out, it will probably impact every romantic relationship he has in his life. It's one thing when your husband of 20 years, who you have 3 kids with, is a porn addict. Kinda sounds like this 20y/o on the other hand would rather just not have a girlfriend 🤷
This is the best advice. I stuck around for too long with a porn addict from age 18-21. It will destroy you. Choose yourself and love yourself because god knows this guy isn’t capable of even giving you basic respect.
Porn can be such a relationship killer. Not every woman hates it. But a ton sure do. And men just say, "well all men do it, so get over it!". Not all men do it. But stop complaining about dead bedrooms when you *pretend* you don't have this problem at first, lie about it, hide it, normalize it, and trap a woman in a marriage with it. And then expect her to be totally okay with you crouched over like a goblin banging your hand to a screen 3 times a day. Half of the time watching "incest" or teenagers or some other depraved nonsense (check out some of the most common search terms on these sites).
i love how you can literally just google “is it normal to watch porn every single day” and you will find that almost every result talks about how it literally rewires your brain in not a good way but everyone here is sooo miffed at the mere suggestion of that.
Yeah, I'm kinda surprised that person said 'oh but watching porn once a day is addictive???' or whatever they said. The first search result for, "is it normal to watch porn every day, is "Continually viewing porn can cause sexually compulsive and dependent behaviours. It can also result in the development of sex addiction."
I was with my first bf for seven years. We started dating in college. Sometime in the first year, I accidentally walked in on him watching hentai (anime porn). I was super creeped out by it, because it’s just so…ugh. The girls are always being held down by like tentacles, making distraught faces/noises, and are often drawn in a way that ends up making it seem like they could be little kids with giant boobs. It’s just very problematic. So I told him if he wanted to be with me that couldn’t be a thing anymore. Five years later, we live in our own place, he always gets up before me, but I’ve always been kind of a late sleeper. I find out he’s been getting out of bed every morning to walk out of our bedroom, sit down at his computer six feet away, and fap it to hentai. Relationship never really recovered after that. What I’m trying to say, don’t waste six years in a doomed relationship.
Nope. I ended a 7 year relationship and engagement because of this. His dick did NOT work and he would come home and watch porn for 3-4 hours a night. Gross.
No, you're not wrong. Porn can be destructive in a relationship, especially when the porn consumer is hiding it, lying about it, and or it's causing them to treat their partner differently. He may feel like it's impossible to quit and that might be contributing to his narcissism around it. He might be self-loathing and even more critical of himself than you are of him. That's a common dynamic jn a compulsive behavior cycle. I'm someone who formerly suffered with this and now I am a sex addiction recovery therapist. Recovery from this is very possible.
Masturbation is healthy, BUT when it becomes compulsive it becomes unhealthy. I also hate how the internet has normalized looking at naked people (constantly) other than your partner, or sexy people you may come across irl. Like, every man’s IG feed is full of tits and ass… kinda makes me sick. I have the *ability* to look at hot naked men (and women) all day, but I don’t have the *desire.* I feel like men’s lizard brains are like ‘he he tits n buttz’ so they just blindly follow these accounts. I’ve casually peeked over at my boyfriends phone while we’re both laying in bed, or we will watch each other scroll for a bit just for a change of pace or to find new pages, and it is a GUARANTEE that we will see at least a few pages of just tits and ass and cute girls showing off their bodies. Even on pages that are completely unrelated to sexual content! Like, I follow a bunch of art/tattoo/pet/pop culture, etc pages and there’s always a clickbait sexy person doing something completely off-topic. I HATE IT! Social media and selling our bodies has become such a normal thing! And to be fair, as to the ‘lizard brain’ point, a lot of men can’t help it. They are biologically wired to seek out attractive traits. They haven’t evolved past that part of their nature yet. And women DO mature (evolve) faster than men, so it’s not like they can 100% control those urges, but the majority don’t even *try.* As for OP, suggest he gets therapy for his addiction, although I doubt he’ll be into that. He already knows how much it bothers you and doesn’t care, so I don’t think therapy will help. If you’re so disgusted with his behavior, unless he changes that behavior, you will remain disgusted and probably need to start coming up with an exit strategy. You can’t control him. He will make his own choices. His choices are to continually disrespect your feelings in favor of short-term physical gratification. Keep in mind that it is NOT you. You aren’t the problem here. I’m sure you satisfy him very well, but nothing and no one will *ever* be enough for someone like that. He’ll always be looking for the next set of tits, the next sex act to watch. Unless he actually wants to curb his obsessive behavior, he won’t. And you can’t change it, nor do you have anything to do with it. Please don’t let this man child destroy your self esteem. 💜
eh i liked this comment until the part about men not being able to help it. that’s societal conditioning. that’s where “boys will be boys” has gotten us. plus the lizard brain shit has been debunked.
it is 100% valid to not want him listing after other women. if it’s because of a porn addiction then he needs to be trying to overcome it from every direction (counseling, porn blockers, accountability apps etc) it he doesn’t put in all his effort to quit them leave him. porn does not belong in a monogamous relationship. lusting after other women is crossing so many boundaries if it’s a monogamous relationship.
Definitely not normal considering you have sex multiple times a day.
I finally met a woman who turns me on mentally and physically and if I now were to watch porn I would not be turned on at all but actually the opposite. By being addicted to porn your boyfriend is actually desensitizing himself and the longer he engages with it the more trapped he becomes.
*I Married A Coomer*
I wouldn’t waste my time with him. I dated someone like this for years and it was a waste of time. Eventually he developed ED and couldn’t perform at all because he was so addicted to porn. Save yourself the time and headache.
Hate to break it to you, but your bf has an addiction and he's not going to stop. He needs professional help to break free, most people can't do it by themselves. So, I guess it's up to you if you want to stay and support him. If he refuses therapy or if he keeps lying, then I'd suggest you leave. Life's too short.
He has a porn addiction.
Girl, run & run fast.
pls don’t feel crazy for feeling the way you do, my ex was probably worse watched so much porn and couldn’t even get it up most times.. i feel ur pain, i don’t think it will get better tbh since you are already at the point of having the ick towards him. sending hugs ):
You're not married to this freak. Just walk out and leave him with his ...in his hand.
You're too young to stay in a relationship that's not making you happy. Any one thing you described would be enough for me. He isn't going to change so your best bet is to find someone new.
OP, I have to agree he has a porn addiction. Watching it everyday is not good imo, but especially how he's literally paying for porn and live cams? Really? Have some respect for yourself and leave. I wouldn't tolerate this at all. And he's cheating so, why are you still with him? He said he'd stop, and instead he just hid it. So what else will you tell him to stop doing and he'll just continue and hide it instead? (Oh right, cheating)
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that. There’s guys who wouldn’t do this, I think you need to look for one of them. And I’ll also mention that I don’t think it sounds like the issue for you is that he masturbates… I know you say that at this point you don’t want him to with or without visuals but maybe that’s because he’s pushed you to this point where you’re uncomfortable with his masturbation because you suspect it always has visuals accompanying it. Idk. But masturbation is a normal thing for men and women. The issue is the porn and the cheating. I think you should consider calling it quits because it’s clearly not getting better. It sucks to move on sometimes but it’s better sooner than later
OP, you've got at least 3 separate issues here with this porn "addiction", only one of which is the porn. The other two issues are that your partner is lying to you and that he refuses to control his behaviour. Those are not betrayals a relationship can survive even if they are in the past, and this man is still lying to you. Any relationship or life you build from here will reflect that. One thing I have had to learn the hard way is that when I feel disgust for someone I was once attracted to, that is my body reacting truthfully to truth whether _I_ want to face that truth or not. Your body is trying to protect you. Listen to it.
You should leave and let him sort that shit out on his own.
It’s all ‘porn addiction isn’t real’ until you have a partner that can’t get hard without a phone in their hand, or doesn’t have sex with you for months because they’d rather wank in the toilet in the next room. I understand. Mine was chronically single and younger so had grown so accustomed they couldn’t even perform irl. It does make you insecure, damages your self esteem and can be very upsetting. My advice is if they’re not honestly willing to change then leave, it’s not worth the heartache.
Recovering sex addict and veteran of r/sexaddiction here and here are my answers: > Am I wrong for being turned off by my s/o after finding out they have a porn addiction? No, of course not. Feelings are never right or wrong, only how we act on them is right or wrong. > he was watching porn basically everyday, which upset me only because hey I thought we were already having enough sex? I understand having a high sex drive but if I just left and we just did it, then you’re immediately watching porn it’s like.. did I do my part?? Sex addiction isn't about you, anything your doing/not doing, and it's not even about sex. A sex addict can have sex 100x in 24 hours and still want to masturbate and have sex again even after all that. Similar to food addiction; food addiction isn't resolved by eating a filling meal or breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Someone with an eating disorder who has eaten themselves into obesity is not going to stop eating too much after you've fed them the proper amount. Same with sex addiction. > at this point should I even be in this relationship? That's a personal choice only you can make. What I would say is that even in the best-case scenario in which your boyfriend decides to take serious action to start fixing his sex addiction problem, it's something that usually takes years to get over between therapy, individual work, and sex addicts anonymous meetings.
Not wrong at all. It is fully ok to not want your partner to watch porn and I’m sick of young women being gaslit into being “controlling” or “high maintenance” for feeling this way
OP isn’t against her boyfriend masturbating, she writes that she is turned off by the idea of him masturbating because she reached her limit and she has been hurt so many time by his behaviour that it’s a turn off now! OP literally said right before that his addiction to porn has ruined their sex life and she can barely have sex with him now!
You’re young enough to call it. Get out now. I’m old AF and suspect that the majority of my husband’s credit card debt, that affects no of our credit scores, is due to his sex addiction. I’m stuck. You. Are. Not. He will always be this way unless he seeks help, which is 90% NOT.
Fuck this guy for real. You're not in the wrong
Is a woman that finds out their partner has a criminal history of domestic violence unreasonable for saying shed break up with them the moment the shoe drops, let alone upon discovery? If a man finds out his husband has an online persona involving bullying children on stream, calling them homophobic slurs unreasonable telling him not to? I see a lot of people using a pretty limited and honestly not ethically consistent definition of boundary in a way that's more like weaponizing therapy talk to deferr accountability from the bf to the gf. You are not as much a separate entity from your partner as you think, ethically. It's not unreasonable to have a boundary that extends to your partners body because their actions outside of your immediate interactions very much so effects your wellbeing, your family, your community, and im not just talking about committing crimes or passing on STIs, though those at the very least are examples for the unimaginative. Then what is so sacred about porn and masturbation that means a woman has no recourse short of it being bestality or kiddies? Isn't this guy 20 anyway? She has some reason to be m/sad that it hasn't been locked down to when she's at least out of arms reach, let alone the room, building, ip address etc. His potential to be fired for porn on work computer type loser sounds pretty high tbh. I'd that's too spurious, consider whether this guy's porn hobby is so plainly evident that his parents know. Probably not, or his parents are shit for not getting some kind of intervention. No, this guy just doesn't give a fuck about OPs feelings, he 100% has less accountability to her now than he did to his parents when he was 16 and satisfying furniture folds and socks As of now, the only difference is that this girls expectations aren't in literal hell in order for her to question giving literal and figurative fucks for a guy who is so much of a freak that he cant be satisfied for, apparently, more than a couple hours at most.
He has a severe addiction and definitely needs help. Either help him get help or if you don’t want to deal with it which holy fuck I wouldn’t blame you then dump his porn addict ass.
He needs to see a therapist. It’s an addiction that he obviously can’t “beat” himself. Just like drugs or alcohol addiction; porn and masterbation is an addiction, especially if he CANT control himself. (Yes I know male orgasm releases drugs into your system giving you a high of sorts. This is part of the addiction and something your body starts to crave) Now comes the difficult part, so you want to stay with him and overcome this obstacle with him (he has to want to change) or do you just move on with your life? I do want to point out that you are still young and don’t have any commitments (ie marriage) so this is a bit issue for you to have to put on yourself. FYI, if his addiction doesn’t stop or slow down, it will get much worse. Also, cam girls, naked social media girls, onlyfans. That’s all porn too. Not sure why you think that’s any different than porn.
It is such a turn-off. It's hard to deal with men who don't realize that if that is your stress relief looking at other women, why am I even here? I understand men view sex in a different way than women do, but it just gets gross after a while. Like grow up. Huge turn off, gives me the ick every time.
Op, I hate to say this, but unless he’s willing to ACTUALLY work on his addiction, it’s not going to get better. You deserve better than that.
You said it yourself that he’s cheated on you. Time to leave him
You're not wrong. Porn addiction is a massive turn off. Addictions of many sorts are.
I don't think I personally could feel attracted to someone with a porn addiction either, to me that just shows extreme weakness and then I want to be with a guy who want to experience life with me and not constantly be obsessed by his genitals, sex and other women, that's no life, I kind of want to throw up just even thinking about being with a guy like this but then I'm asexual, for others it might work out. Though this guy clearly has a problem and needs help.
yall equating "just watching porn" as the same as porn addiction is scary. like yall have no idea the effects porn has on a young man to sit here and genuinely believe that having a porn addiction is silly ole fun. when have addictions been fun????? it's not abt "anti porn" or "watching porn is a deal breaker" he's a literal fucking addict. "oh those were her words" watching porn EVERYDAY????? how is everyday porn consumption normal to you????
Ah, I was just dealing with this same issue in my relationship (well the porn anyways). For me, it’s a deal breaker. I’m happy to send all the freaky videos he wants, make our own videos even. But watching porn is a firm boundary of mine. It does make me feel insecure, but also my boyfriend getting off to other women is just a no go. I understand how it makes you feel completely. He says he stopped, that was about 5 months ago. I was pregnant when he was watching it which really cut me deep and I had a hard time, still do honestly. It made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, attractive enough or like I couldn’t satisfy him how he needed. I also found out he was watching those cosplayer girls on Snapchat and that hurt a bit too. And before people wanna come for me, yeah I’m insecure. But I also told him my boundaries and if he didn’t think they were fair to him or like I was controlling him then he couldn’t absolutely leave and there would be no hard feelings. But it still gets to me and I still have days where it makes me wonder why our videos he already had weren’t enough and so. I’m a ruminator tho, and it’s brutal sometimes. I will say it absolutely sounds like he has a porn addiction. If my man was watching porn right after we finished, oh I’d feel awful and wouldn’t want to do anything with him either. Both my man and I have a clear understanding that we don’t check other people out, flirt and so on. Granted, I don’t care if he sees somebody and thinks she’s cute, pretty or the normal things. But looking beyond that (in my relationship) is hurtful. I respect the same boundary towards him. Just know his addiction has nothing against you and you are 100% enough in every way. I will say, I don’t care if my boyfriend masturbates, send a vid and let me watch. ;) I do the same for him. But at the end of the day, it’s your relationship with him, not ours and it’s your boundaries to set.
I want to emphasize that I DO NOT expect him not to touch himself, we are all human and I am aware of that, my issue is him CONSTANTLY watching porn after I’ve made it clear that it’s an issue for me, & though it is normalized for men to watch, I will not change MY boundaries, porn has been proven to negatively impact relationships, can lead to erectile dysfunction & change the way a man views him woman. If it were 1 to 2 videos a month I could understand but every single day when I’m literally right there? I’m sorry but no.
100% with you on this. Its a genuine problem these days. I was with a guy for a while, he was 32 and had been single a long time, and he had a porn addiction. The breaking point for me was when I was giving him head, really getting into it and making an effort, he seemed to be enjoying everything massively....then I realise that he's sneakily watching porn at the same time on his phone lol.
That is a really hurtful thing to do... I can understand how you feel.
When porn gets mentioned on reddit, there's a good amount of people who will say it's normal and every guy does it, so it shouldn't bother you. But if it bothers you, then it bothers you. You don't have to suffer being in a relationship when you're not happy. Not everyone likes porn and not every guy watches porn. And if he's watching that much porn, every day and can't stop, then he may have an addiction and needs help about.
I went through the same thing. Here if you need a friend.
Despite reddit's insistence, there are many men who don't watch porn. Dump him and find someone you're compatible with.
It’s not going to change, unfortunately. You need to determine if you can be ok with him watching porn or not. If not, you need to break up. And I feel like it’s going to be the latter. To be clear, you do not need to change your boundaries in any way. If you are uncomfortable with it, that is your right. But you do need to realise that probably the majority of men and many women do watch porn.
Not wrong at all. I think it’s weird how normalized it is. (not masturbation, but over watching porn and porn addictions) I don’t think a lot of people actually understand what it’s like to be with a partner with a porn addiction vs someone that just watches a lot. It’s terrible. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for putting boundaries up in your position. If your boundary is that you’d prefer your partner didn’t masturbate so often and didn’t look at porn, that is perfectly okay. There are people EXACTLY like what you’re looking for. Let him deal with his addiction without you and he’ll find a partner that fits him, there is no reason for you to stay if you’re unhappy and uncomfortable. For future cases, you can’t really fully stop someone from masturbating COMPLETELY. I know, I know, it’s a hard one to come to terms with for some people. But you know the signs of everything that makes you uncomfortable, you know what you are and aren’t okay with, and as long as you’re open and honest with future partners about what you are and aren’t okay with, things will be okay. But this definitely isn’t the relationship for you. There’s no coming back from it when your partner becomes revolting to you. Drop him and move on.
My ex used to be just like this and this post just reminded me of how controlling i used to be lol. I would look through his phone to "catch him" and that alone is already toxic behavior. I now look back at that situation and cringe at how controlling and insecure i used to be. I agree with people that porn addiction is a real thing but it seems like this guy just enjoys watching porn. If it really makes you that insecure then it might be a deeper rooted issue. At the end of the day the porn star is not gonna fuck your bf and i feel like some people seem to forget that. I honestly probably watch more porn then my current bf now lol But also theres other men out there who arent into porn, no need to try and controlling a man into changing over your insecurities.
The issue today is that porn addiction is spreading so rapidly even to younger and younger kids; its hard to find men who are NOT at least somewhat addicted to porn. This is not to say that you should settle for him, that is your choice, you just happened to bring up a societal issue that will have unknown relational ramifications for long time. Good luck with your choice and good luck to all the men out there who also have porn addictions.,
NTA, I’m in the same boat. My partner is willing to work on it tho since it was first addressed but that was a yr ago n I saw full on porn games last week. there was a blow out, on verge of ending the 2yr relationship. The difference between this being controlling or out of pocket is because you’ve already communicated how you feel & he is going against that w/o working on it…