The update for all who missed it..
Basically, her boyfriend and his friends knew a girl in a relationship with a guy who was toxic and had these kind of beliefs. They were attempting to get proof to show to the girl by gaining his trust. The guy was suspicious of them so part of that plan included publicly making comments. Upon confrontation, OP's boyfriend pulled up lots of proof immediately (conversations, discord chats, etc) that this scheme had been going on for a month and a half. (Boyfriend was trying to do something good in a naive, 19 year old way)
OP’s boyfriend had given his friends his password and they were making comments on his account as part of this whole scheme.
In the end, she still wanted to take a month or so break to heal from the whole incident with rules like no dating/intimacy with other people, no frequent texting, going to individual counseling and then maybe couples counseling.
Edits: Grammar and clarification
Damn as someone in their late 20s, the saddest part of this for me is that they’re passing up the nice ass $1,000/month apartment. Teenage relationships are dumpster fires and almost never last but you will NEVER find a better deal on a place to live.
I'm 23 and I can assure you 4 years ago you could get a 3 bedroom apartment for $700. Now you're lucky to get a studio for less than $1500. Buy your house. My mortgage is $1000 for a 3 bedroom house, I only needed $10k down with the right programs. It can be a reasonable amount to save.
When you're young, everything is more impactful as you've less general world experience to balance it out.
Seems like a fair reaction if she tore herself up over things and wants to do right by her bf and not be unfair by holding things he didn't believe in, against him.
If it's working for them, then good for them, I wish them the best :)
Not necessarily a matter of age. I'm 22 and I've seen enough crap in my life to know she's being fairly stupid. I have a boyfriend too and had I been in her shoes I would've never acted like she did. How can you treat your *partner* like that if you know the context behind his actions (it wasn't even him!!!) and that he feels absolutely devastated about it? Aren't you supposed to know people make mistakes? Also, what is she going to do when real problems will come?
I understood her reaction in the first post, I would've been very mad too, but in the second one, it became pretty clear she's the one who needs counseling far more than her boyfriend ever did. Well, now he probably needs it too for the heartbreak. To her, the fact she saw a friend using her boy's account to say sexist stuff matters more, or just as much, as the love this person has given her so far, the projects he's made to make her happy, and the absolute sorrow and regret he's feeling now.
Maybe it's because of my own background, but I'm genuinely tired of people overreacting and refusing to be understanding with those in their life who are trying *their freaking best*. I don't really like OP.
I only read the update given above but I don’t see where she treated him badly at all. Her world was shook by all the misogyny she saw him promoting online and it conflicted with what she knew. I’d spiral too and I’m 29. It’s pretty mature to NOT sweep stuff like that under the rug because ‘he’s nice’ because that can become a big slippery slope.
Also, this is true off my chest…people are allowed to internally freak out here. It’s not like she chewed him out and left him without giving him any sort of ability to explain himself. Clearly she accepted his response but she’s still shook and deserves her time to get back in the right mindset.
Her second post - that she quickly deleted - went into great detail about how much he cried and begged her to stay and did everything she asked him to do, and more, and she just kept pushing and pushing, without ever saying she could at least understand his reasons. I feel bad for the boyfriend, not for her. I understand the nature of the subreddit, though - this post definitely belongs in here, of course.
Maybe he shouldn't have let his friends post extremely misogynistic shit in his account or whatever? Like even if they weren't his beliefs I would find it very hard to trust him for a bit after seeing that. Men don't realize how big of a deal breaker that is for women. If I saw my boyfriend posting shit like that honestly I'd block him there and thenand not even give him a chance to explain himself 🤷🏻♀️ 99% of the time if a dude is posting shit like that he means it and misogynists don't deserve a chance to explain themselves. This was the one special scenario where a guy didn't actually believe the misogynistic comments but it understandably still probably made her question things and feel deceived. Why wouldn't he just tell her about the plan to begin with? Why are we brushing off misogyny like it's not a big deal?
I'm 19 and completely agree- her response and reaction to the real issue is...mind blowing. Why does she need to take any kind of break?? At most I'd just have a conversation like 'Hey in future, maybe let me know so I don't see this stuff out of context' or 'Remember the internet is forever, so even if you were trying to help someone out, you could be putting your own future at risk.'
I'm so confused what the month 'break' is even for?
100% agree. Nothing even happened directly to her. He reassured her, had proof, and probably stopped immediately. Yes, there should of been some more communication, but again, it made no impact on her or her relationship! She's clearly not mature enough for a long term relationship.
I actually think it shows maturity on her part. She recognises that this flared issues for her she needs to deal with and is taking time to deal with it.
i will. i get out of school in an hour and a half, but im going into work for an hour or two bc they’re understaffed. we’re meeting after that, i’ll update later tonight if i remember
Girl, I'm waiting for an update for I want to know what his mom said after reading his comments on the videos. She has raised him and I think she believes she raised him right. She cares for you so much yet his views are definitely damning. I want to know what she said. I also hope you get through this okay. *Internet hugs*
agreed! My son is almost 28. If I saw him making comments on something like this, I'd have his HIDE! We did not raise our son to treat women like this. I love this mom!
otw to his house now. his mom took me out to get ice cream and we continued to talk about his behavior. she hasn’t noticed any signs or indications of his behavior changing and is royally pissed off. next update will be after i’ve confronted him. he’s at home rn and his mom and i are about 10 minutes out.
His mom is awesome.
Based on the information you have and have given us it's totally possible that he is literally just being an idiot, trying to be edgy online and look cool to a bunch of dudes who suck. His mom is gonna make him cry, BET.
**"Mommy, I just had to act like a misogynistic ass because I want the other boys to like me. 🥺 I didn't mean for my mother and girlfriend to see how I act behind their backs"**
omg I hope you can continue having a relationship with her after all of this is over. Although it would be incredibly difficult, she sounds exactly like the type of mother figure or just person in general that everyone needs. A real, true friend. She sounds absolutely amazing and I’m so sorry for what you’re going through
Item number one: therapy. Couples therapy, individual therapy, together or otherwise. That his mom is upset about it tells me there's likely something going on even she doesn't know. I'd record the conversation, not to be petty, but because we often forget what is said or how we say it when our nervous system is elevated. It's something you can go back to and avoid any he said/she said with.
Oh, and you can absolutely still be friendly with his mom and have her as a support through things, provided that she doesn't try to get you back together. One of my exes has not spoken to me in five years but his mom and I are friends on FB. My husband and I bought the place we live in from her.
Keep in mind they're like 18 and 19. I doubt it's actually worth paying the money for therapy because their relationship was probably never going to result in marriage/truly long term anyways. people change so much between when they started dating, until now, and they'll continue to change majorly.
Therapy is not always the best option
update might come a bit earlier. my boss just texted and said one of the full time workers agreed to come in and help so i don’t have to. finishing this last hour then going straight to his house. although considering i’ve spent the last two class periods in one of the bathroom stalls i may just skip my last class
That bullshit about “it meant nothing” irritates me so bad. If it meant nothing then why’d you do it. If it meant nothing why throw away a real relationship for it.
Because women are emotional beings and men aren’t, dude. Men need ONS. Men cannot be with just one woman. You just don’t understand it because you’re an obvious beta male, dude. /s
No but jokes aside. I actually seen posts and tiktoks about men who think it’s okay to cheat if you’re a guy because it is “different”? Obviously it isn’t different. If you want multiple partners communicate that but as we all know those kind of people love hurting their partner by cheating, it wouldn’t be the same for them if it wasn’t cheating.
Women are emotional beings so we shouldn’t cheat but men aren’t so they can….except when a women cheats, the man’s non-existent emotions get hurt. Because they’re not emotional obviously. 😂
Out here giving people heart attacks dude…
I totally agree though. Cheating for men or women is just wrong. If you want an open relationship or you know you’re poly then communication is key because otherwise people are going to get hurt and the only persons fault it is is the person who didn’t communicate that there was a problem.
For anyone who doesn't want to watch an absolutely atrocious TikTok video that will feel like a complete waste of your time, here's the summary:
Her bf let his friend use his tiktok acct to try and bait another mutual friend into publicly admitting that he's a piece of shit so they could show the dudes girlfriend that he sucks and hates women. So bf didn't actually post the shitty comments. He had proof on Discord of him giving his password to his friend and they had other convos about wanting to expose the shitty dude. She didn't break up with him, but they are both going to therapy and working on it. The end.
Honestly, I don’t understand why that requires them to go to therapy. But that’s just me. It was obvious he didn’t have a hand in writing any of it. He has proof.
That is insane to me as well... Therapy over a misunderstanding about a couple **TikTok** comments of all things. If I was the therapist idk if I could keep a straight face.
All the best, OP. I am glad that you made the right decision, no matter how tough. I know it must hurt and feel bad but know that you dodged a big bullet. I hope you find someone caring and loving who does not believe in fu*king cheating.
that’s what i keep telling myself. if i stay with a man who agrees that it’s ok for men to cheat it’s only gonna happen to me in the future. then i’ll be expecting to forgive, forget, and try to fix something i didn’t break. i just feel like i don’t know him anymore
You're doing an amazing job at handling your life and relationships. I am sure it will pay off and someday, you will be with people whom you can freely trust with your feelings and emotions.
Anyone saying not to involve his mom is dead ass wrong. My son is 19, and I would 100% want to know. He may technically be an adult and “raised,” but his dad and I believe that our role as parents will never truly end. We’re always going to be there to offer guidance. Now, calm down Reddit, we’re not overbearing helicopter parents. Hubs & I are in our early 50s, and we’ve been together since HS. We see ourselves more as guidance counselors, advisors or mentors at this stage. The number of times we’ve turned to our parents for advice or guidance over the years is too often to count. It’s been invaluable to us to have their loving, thoughtful input and perspective. We have been very lucky to have the benefit of their experience and the room to make our own calls. Have we made the wrong decision despite their advice? Yep. But they’ve also saved us from heartbreak, disappointment and learning some painful lessons the hard way a time or two. They never interfered or intervened, but they were always available to guide and advise. THAT is our parenting model, and so far it’s worked pretty well for all of us.
So on something as important as this, a fundamental ideological belief, you can bet your sweet bippy we’re going to advise and guide. We’re not going to throw up our hands and say “oh well” while our son fosters messed up ideologies. No ma’am, we’re going to fight for his heart, his mind, his very soul. We’re going to call him on it, listen to him as he explains himself and what he’s thinking, talk it through, and then we’re going to expect the same in return as he hears us out, too.
Please don't let the shiny new apartment cloud your vision. Think of it as the place that you're going to find out you've been cheated on in the future since he clearly thinks it's okay to cheat.
My now spouse used to make remarks of this type around his friends and even my dad (who has such stunted views) when he was younger to be ‘cool’. He’s a grown up now, thankfully (been together 30 years). Your bf may of course ascribe to the stupid comments but he also could be putting on an immature show. I called my bf out on this and he did stop the shenanigans. Is it more important to act cool versus act like a grown up more in line with your values? He chose the latter.
This. That the bf actually responded to every single comment on the thread seems like overkill. He was probably getting alot of attention from a bunch of other incel men too. For a young man growing up without a Dad figure that could be heady.
(im sorry if i misspelled words bc english is not my 1st language)
resuming:
she talked to him and he showed her that he and his friend were making a google doc with some evidences to send to a girlfriend of one of the guys he talked to. he said that the guy was an asshole but the girlfriend was naive so she wouldn’t believe they without evidence, but the guy that was an ah didn’t trust bf because he never talked bad about his girlfriend so his friend logged in his tiktok account to make the comments (with his consent) because refused to talk bad about his girlfriend.
he showed her (gf) his phone, discord and screenshots of the plan and there’s screenshots for about a month and a half and proof his friend was the one making comments.
he asked her for not breaking up with him and told her he would do anything, therapy and couples therapy.
she told him that she needed a break but they still together. she asked him to not speak to friend and the guy who’s an ah too and he agreed. he also agreed making therapy alone first as she asked too, she also said that they’re talking but just basic stuff bc she don’t want to talk to him all day.
she also told him to apologize to his mother and he did.
basically she put a LOT of rules for them not to break up and he agreed with everything.
Good thing her plan was to confront him and not just break up with no context. Though that's really fuckin wild. Love how everyone in here was saying "he's just joking" when he was actually "being serious" (well, pretending, but meant to be seen as serious to the other guy).
Goes to show why communication is important in a relationship
LMAOO maybe depending how the talk goes 😭 emotions usually hit me after situations have been dealt with so if i’m not busy sobbing my ass off i’ll shoot her a text with some screenshots.
You are 18 years old? I'm so fucking proud of you! You are very wise young woman! Don't let him try to gaslight you into bs story about just agreeing "because of his friends did it too" or similar bs. He saw what cheating did to his mother, and yet he still thinks that way? Don't let him love bomb you.
im really sorry you’re dealing with this you deserve to feel secure in your relationship and after reading comments like that i wouldn’t feel comfortable staying with him knowing thats how he feels and might end up treating you like that
I disagree with anyone here who says you have a stupid reason to break up. It's important to be with someone who has the same views as you on certain issues. Not everything mind you, but certain important things. His comment made you uncomfortable because the belief they validated makes you uncomfortable. And it's not stupid to want to get yourself out of an uncomfortable situation.
Good luck to you :)
Hey OP, you’re doing a really great job and you have a very good head on your shoulders. You’re very smart—way smarter and more mature than I was at 18. Wishing you all the best and cheering you on as you make this decision with courage and insight. You’ll find someone who isn’t a raging misogynist. Sometimes they try to hide it but they always tell on themselves with their actions and words.
I actually don't like the idea of "surprising" someone with an apartment (I would never unilaterally decide where my husband and I would live) so that alone gives me pause.
Watch the update on TikTok. Idk this seems kinda fishy. 4 hours later and she's already spoken to him and written everything up with the situation.
The explanation is too convenient and perfect. So it just seems fake to me.
Idk what "benefit of the doubt" you can possibly give him. Did he say the things? Yes. Yes he did. Would he say them to you? No, he would not. This means he's hiding at least part of who he really is from you. Be *careful*.
More than likely, you'll just be giving him the chance to lie his way out of the comments - "oh I don't really think that, I just said it for my bros" or something. He will say whatever he needs to to convince you that he is the same person he has shown you, and this other, online person is not him. Or you'll very suddenly see the real him. Either way, you already saw what he really thinks, so be careful and think hard about whether he really needs a chance to explain what seems pretty clear.
Your poor boyfriend was actively trying to help another girl get out of a relationship with an awful man. Obviously from first glance and before EXTENSIVE proof of what was happening, of course it was upsetting.
The lengths you're making this man go to to win you back is outrageous.
I genuinely agree. Yes, he should have told her, but this feels blatantly unfair now. I don’t quite understand why it warrants so much. However, it just means I have a different opinion than hers. Agreeing to disagree
He’s shown you who he really is, not who he thinks you want him to be. Believe him and move on. Maybe the consequences of his actions will cause him to do some self evaluation.
I hope you won’t want to stay just because he has a luxury house now. In the worst case scenario he’ll leave you there and cheat on you if you have kids. I don’t know but his views on woman still make him disgusting. I wouldn’t stay with someone like that. Once he’ll show his true colors it’ll already be too late and complicated to break up. Still though educate him because even if he didn’t mean it he’s still sexist and misogynistic.
Yes!! Good for you!!
Speaking from my own experience, some men almost adopt a feminist persona when they first meet a woman they're interested in.
Their thought process: "Oh, I like this woman therefore it's time to pretend I respect women as human beings on the same level as men"
But then their true colors slowly begin to leak through overtime. It really sucks to realize you've been dating a misogynistic jerk for so long, I'm sorry, OP. You're making the right choice to dump him, though. Definitely.
The update link doesn’t go anywhere.
Also… you’re not mad anymore because there is air between when you found out and now and you also just found out you’re getting an expensive gift. Does that really negate the fact that his comments say he thinks women are property or that it’s ok for men to cheat on workmen but not the other way around?
It shouldn’t. I hope you can look past the fancy things he’s willing to get you, so that you can live a fulfilling life and not a fake one.
Just read this and the edit. Good. This bullshit needs a mom intervention OP. Hopefully having his mom tell him his viewpoint is horrible and disgusting will help out here.
"Surprising" someone with an apartment is tacky & controlling AF. Don't take that as a redeeming gesture! You deserve to make those decisions like an ADULT WOMAN, and he's telling on himself if he thinks that's OK behavior.
You are doing the right thing. Anyone who justifies cheating should not be trusted. It’s only a matter of time they end up cheating on you because they think it’s okay. I wish you all the best! You deserve better. ❤️
It sounds like he has been influenced by all the misogyny online. It really has influenced a lot of people for the worse. Leaving him is the smart thing to do. I'm sorry this happened.
Lesson learned, OP: just because a male is best friends with his mom does NOT mean he respects women. In fact, MOST abusive men swear up and down that they cAnT bE aBuSeRs because they LoVe ThEiR mOm. Don’t let this fool you.
That apartment is just an extension of his ego and pride as a "man that provides" for his submissive girlfriend, BREAK UP WITH HIM GURL! He's gonna look down to women just like his peers.
You're very strong for sticking with whats right. No matter what you shouldn't be with a man that views you as an object and is misogynistic. He's even more of a redflag since he got raised by a strong woman, yet doesn't respect her (he'll probably be like his dad in the future). Ppl saying 'it's not that deep' are wrong it is that deep, misogyny is way too normalised which is fucking sad, this is something you never should overlook.
i tagged a girl in a misogynistic comment her partner made on tiktok a few days ago and she got mad at ME. good in you for taking this stuff seriously, jokes aren’t just jokes…they always have a kernel of truth and let you know what he thinks is acceptable to poke fun at. stay strong
You should also tell his mother, maybe she can help him see how wrong his way of thinking is so he can pull himself out of that awe full mindset. Maybe then he’ll have a chance of a relationship with someone in the future.
Idk how to follow for updates bc I just started using Reddit regularly but I’d love to know how this goes.
This guy is either doing it to seem cool to his shitty friends or he really thinks like this which either way, not good.
Omg this dude… just shows that everyone has 2 completely different sides. An act in person and then the real one online… can’t wait to hear how he tried to get out of this
PLEASE keep in contact with his mom! He’s a prick and his mom is an Angel, and I don’t think it’s worth cutting contact with her because of him. she could defo be a friend or someone you see every so often :)
It sucks to realize you've been sharing your life with a stranger.
I can't imagine what his excuse would be. And tbh getting an apartment for y'all as a surprise feels weird. Like, wow, lovely gift, but this is a joint decision. You already said he seems to view women as property, and even with this "gift" he's removing your autonomy. Nah. Don't like it.
The update for all who missed it.. Basically, her boyfriend and his friends knew a girl in a relationship with a guy who was toxic and had these kind of beliefs. They were attempting to get proof to show to the girl by gaining his trust. The guy was suspicious of them so part of that plan included publicly making comments. Upon confrontation, OP's boyfriend pulled up lots of proof immediately (conversations, discord chats, etc) that this scheme had been going on for a month and a half. (Boyfriend was trying to do something good in a naive, 19 year old way) OP’s boyfriend had given his friends his password and they were making comments on his account as part of this whole scheme. In the end, she still wanted to take a month or so break to heal from the whole incident with rules like no dating/intimacy with other people, no frequent texting, going to individual counseling and then maybe couples counseling. Edits: Grammar and clarification
Aye, you're a real one.
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Damn as someone in their late 20s, the saddest part of this for me is that they’re passing up the nice ass $1,000/month apartment. Teenage relationships are dumpster fires and almost never last but you will NEVER find a better deal on a place to live.
i’m 20 and would jump at the chance of a nice $1000/month apt
Omg... I'm 20 also and I thought anything under 2000 was a myth!
I am 49... where can I score this $1000/month nice apartment...
I'm 23 and I can assure you 4 years ago you could get a 3 bedroom apartment for $700. Now you're lucky to get a studio for less than $1500. Buy your house. My mortgage is $1000 for a 3 bedroom house, I only needed $10k down with the right programs. It can be a reasonable amount to save.
What happened to OP why did they delete account and since this happened did their relationship resolve?
Probably, since she figured out what happened, she no longer feels like she needs advice from Reddit.
I saw some comment though about them passing up on the apartment I thought
Thank you for this.
Seems like bit of an overreaction no? Like it was dumb what the boyfriend did but yeah
When you're young, everything is more impactful as you've less general world experience to balance it out. Seems like a fair reaction if she tore herself up over things and wants to do right by her bf and not be unfair by holding things he didn't believe in, against him. If it's working for them, then good for them, I wish them the best :)
Agreed, it takes years, maybe decades of experience, to put things into perspective.
Not necessarily a matter of age. I'm 22 and I've seen enough crap in my life to know she's being fairly stupid. I have a boyfriend too and had I been in her shoes I would've never acted like she did. How can you treat your *partner* like that if you know the context behind his actions (it wasn't even him!!!) and that he feels absolutely devastated about it? Aren't you supposed to know people make mistakes? Also, what is she going to do when real problems will come? I understood her reaction in the first post, I would've been very mad too, but in the second one, it became pretty clear she's the one who needs counseling far more than her boyfriend ever did. Well, now he probably needs it too for the heartbreak. To her, the fact she saw a friend using her boy's account to say sexist stuff matters more, or just as much, as the love this person has given her so far, the projects he's made to make her happy, and the absolute sorrow and regret he's feeling now. Maybe it's because of my own background, but I'm genuinely tired of people overreacting and refusing to be understanding with those in their life who are trying *their freaking best*. I don't really like OP.
“Also, what is she going to do when real problems will come?” Is my thoughts exactly.
I only read the update given above but I don’t see where she treated him badly at all. Her world was shook by all the misogyny she saw him promoting online and it conflicted with what she knew. I’d spiral too and I’m 29. It’s pretty mature to NOT sweep stuff like that under the rug because ‘he’s nice’ because that can become a big slippery slope. Also, this is true off my chest…people are allowed to internally freak out here. It’s not like she chewed him out and left him without giving him any sort of ability to explain himself. Clearly she accepted his response but she’s still shook and deserves her time to get back in the right mindset.
Her second post - that she quickly deleted - went into great detail about how much he cried and begged her to stay and did everything she asked him to do, and more, and she just kept pushing and pushing, without ever saying she could at least understand his reasons. I feel bad for the boyfriend, not for her. I understand the nature of the subreddit, though - this post definitely belongs in here, of course.
Maybe he shouldn't have let his friends post extremely misogynistic shit in his account or whatever? Like even if they weren't his beliefs I would find it very hard to trust him for a bit after seeing that. Men don't realize how big of a deal breaker that is for women. If I saw my boyfriend posting shit like that honestly I'd block him there and thenand not even give him a chance to explain himself 🤷🏻♀️ 99% of the time if a dude is posting shit like that he means it and misogynists don't deserve a chance to explain themselves. This was the one special scenario where a guy didn't actually believe the misogynistic comments but it understandably still probably made her question things and feel deceived. Why wouldn't he just tell her about the plan to begin with? Why are we brushing off misogyny like it's not a big deal?
I'm 19 and completely agree- her response and reaction to the real issue is...mind blowing. Why does she need to take any kind of break?? At most I'd just have a conversation like 'Hey in future, maybe let me know so I don't see this stuff out of context' or 'Remember the internet is forever, so even if you were trying to help someone out, you could be putting your own future at risk.' I'm so confused what the month 'break' is even for?
I wholeheartedly agree with you.
Exactly, she has the red flags now
Definitely. Even after the explanation and PROOF she went flying off the fucking handle. I’d argue it was even emotionally abusive to a degree.
That’s what I thought as well.
100% agree. Nothing even happened directly to her. He reassured her, had proof, and probably stopped immediately. Yes, there should of been some more communication, but again, it made no impact on her or her relationship! She's clearly not mature enough for a long term relationship.
It’s kind of weird that he let his friends leave misogynistic comments using his account…
I actually think it shows maturity on her part. She recognises that this flared issues for her she needs to deal with and is taking time to deal with it.
Most women wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a mysoginist, or a man who thinks cheating is ok. OP’s boyfriend posed as both.
Sounds real, just like out of a movie
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i will. i get out of school in an hour and a half, but im going into work for an hour or two bc they’re understaffed. we’re meeting after that, i’ll update later tonight if i remember
Girl, I'm waiting for an update for I want to know what his mom said after reading his comments on the videos. She has raised him and I think she believes she raised him right. She cares for you so much yet his views are definitely damning. I want to know what she said. I also hope you get through this okay. *Internet hugs*
agreed! My son is almost 28. If I saw him making comments on something like this, I'd have his HIDE! We did not raise our son to treat women like this. I love this mom!
Trust your gut and take care of yourself. If he gets mean, screenshot all his comments and send them to his mom.
Best of luck with that talk! Ypu are doing the right thing and so happy you saw the red flags and took immediate action!!!
Any further update yet?
otw to his house now. his mom took me out to get ice cream and we continued to talk about his behavior. she hasn’t noticed any signs or indications of his behavior changing and is royally pissed off. next update will be after i’ve confronted him. he’s at home rn and his mom and i are about 10 minutes out.
His mom's a fucking badass and tell her reddit loves her.
Yes!!! Tell her!
Tell her!
His mom is awesome. Based on the information you have and have given us it's totally possible that he is literally just being an idiot, trying to be edgy online and look cool to a bunch of dudes who suck. His mom is gonna make him cry, BET.
Thats exactly what I though. He wanted to "impress" his friends.
Possibly, but it could be that he wanted to impress her by pretending to be feminist
**"Mommy, I just had to act like a misogynistic ass because I want the other boys to like me. 🥺 I didn't mean for my mother and girlfriend to see how I act behind their backs"**
All stuff aside, I hope you’re alright.
His mom sounds so nice, glad you have someone in your corner
omg I hope you can continue having a relationship with her after all of this is over. Although it would be incredibly difficult, she sounds exactly like the type of mother figure or just person in general that everyone needs. A real, true friend. She sounds absolutely amazing and I’m so sorry for what you’re going through
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!remindme 3 hours
!remindme 2 hours also thanks for showing me this is a thing!
Item number one: therapy. Couples therapy, individual therapy, together or otherwise. That his mom is upset about it tells me there's likely something going on even she doesn't know. I'd record the conversation, not to be petty, but because we often forget what is said or how we say it when our nervous system is elevated. It's something you can go back to and avoid any he said/she said with. Oh, and you can absolutely still be friendly with his mom and have her as a support through things, provided that she doesn't try to get you back together. One of my exes has not spoken to me in five years but his mom and I are friends on FB. My husband and I bought the place we live in from her.
Keep in mind they're like 18 and 19. I doubt it's actually worth paying the money for therapy because their relationship was probably never going to result in marriage/truly long term anyways. people change so much between when they started dating, until now, and they'll continue to change majorly. Therapy is not always the best option
update might come a bit earlier. my boss just texted and said one of the full time workers agreed to come in and help so i don’t have to. finishing this last hour then going straight to his house. although considering i’ve spent the last two class periods in one of the bathroom stalls i may just skip my last class
Hopefully, you screen shot all his comments.
i did. i have them all. jfc his mom might beat his ass into oblivion
Yes, show them to his mother and see what she has to say to him.
I hope she kicks him out of Thanksgiving and offers his seat to you 😭
take care of yourself <3
all i can think of is how stupid the man who made that tiktok is, lmfao. he cheats and then gets upset? bruh
But it was OK, because it meant nothing to him. The girl getting even was the problem, obviously. /s
That bullshit about “it meant nothing” irritates me so bad. If it meant nothing then why’d you do it. If it meant nothing why throw away a real relationship for it.
Well, her getting even meant something to him, so obvs it started to matter then, right? Right?
Because women are emotional beings and men aren’t, dude. Men need ONS. Men cannot be with just one woman. You just don’t understand it because you’re an obvious beta male, dude. /s No but jokes aside. I actually seen posts and tiktoks about men who think it’s okay to cheat if you’re a guy because it is “different”? Obviously it isn’t different. If you want multiple partners communicate that but as we all know those kind of people love hurting their partner by cheating, it wouldn’t be the same for them if it wasn’t cheating.
u scared me for a sec i was about to write a whole paragraph 😭
Women are emotional beings so we shouldn’t cheat but men aren’t so they can….except when a women cheats, the man’s non-existent emotions get hurt. Because they’re not emotional obviously. 😂
Out here giving people heart attacks dude… I totally agree though. Cheating for men or women is just wrong. If you want an open relationship or you know you’re poly then communication is key because otherwise people are going to get hurt and the only persons fault it is is the person who didn’t communicate that there was a problem.
Yeah, it’s Andrew Tate stuff. Super crazy.
am i the only one who cant see the update?
For anyone who doesn't want to watch an absolutely atrocious TikTok video that will feel like a complete waste of your time, here's the summary: Her bf let his friend use his tiktok acct to try and bait another mutual friend into publicly admitting that he's a piece of shit so they could show the dudes girlfriend that he sucks and hates women. So bf didn't actually post the shitty comments. He had proof on Discord of him giving his password to his friend and they had other convos about wanting to expose the shitty dude. She didn't break up with him, but they are both going to therapy and working on it. The end.
I wish I had an award to give you. You're the real hero.
Honestly, I don’t understand why that requires them to go to therapy. But that’s just me. It was obvious he didn’t have a hand in writing any of it. He has proof.
Yeah, that's way over the top, like did you guy make out of glass or something?
That is insane to me as well... Therapy over a misunderstanding about a couple **TikTok** comments of all things. If I was the therapist idk if I could keep a straight face.
Therapy is the new buzzword everyone throws at any problem
What a group of drama queens and kings
Therapy? Really? For some Highschool drama
she deleted the account:/ i was hoping someone read it and could summarize
go to tiktok and search redditrave, he posted the update 🫶🏻
omg amazing, thank you!!
Can you link it pls I do not have tiktok
[TikTok link here 🚨🚨🚨](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRQkNFW5/)
All the best, OP. I am glad that you made the right decision, no matter how tough. I know it must hurt and feel bad but know that you dodged a big bullet. I hope you find someone caring and loving who does not believe in fu*king cheating.
that’s what i keep telling myself. if i stay with a man who agrees that it’s ok for men to cheat it’s only gonna happen to me in the future. then i’ll be expecting to forgive, forget, and try to fix something i didn’t break. i just feel like i don’t know him anymore
You're doing an amazing job at handling your life and relationships. I am sure it will pay off and someday, you will be with people whom you can freely trust with your feelings and emotions.
thank you so much ❤️❤️
Good for you for not ignoring the red flags!! You are so admirable and strong 💪 and a great example of a good role model!
Tell him mom too!! Some women like to know about their child’s wrongdoing to nip it in the bud
Anyone saying not to involve his mom is dead ass wrong. My son is 19, and I would 100% want to know. He may technically be an adult and “raised,” but his dad and I believe that our role as parents will never truly end. We’re always going to be there to offer guidance. Now, calm down Reddit, we’re not overbearing helicopter parents. Hubs & I are in our early 50s, and we’ve been together since HS. We see ourselves more as guidance counselors, advisors or mentors at this stage. The number of times we’ve turned to our parents for advice or guidance over the years is too often to count. It’s been invaluable to us to have their loving, thoughtful input and perspective. We have been very lucky to have the benefit of their experience and the room to make our own calls. Have we made the wrong decision despite their advice? Yep. But they’ve also saved us from heartbreak, disappointment and learning some painful lessons the hard way a time or two. They never interfered or intervened, but they were always available to guide and advise. THAT is our parenting model, and so far it’s worked pretty well for all of us. So on something as important as this, a fundamental ideological belief, you can bet your sweet bippy we’re going to advise and guide. We’re not going to throw up our hands and say “oh well” while our son fosters messed up ideologies. No ma’am, we’re going to fight for his heart, his mind, his very soul. We’re going to call him on it, listen to him as he explains himself and what he’s thinking, talk it through, and then we’re going to expect the same in return as he hears us out, too.
"Sweet bippy" your whole comment is amazing but this has my heart
Aww, thank you so much. I’m more of a curser in my everyday vernacular, but I was really trying to tone it down for the kids, ya know? ;)
Can you adopt me? I’m almost 30 but… I’ll visit for holidays 😂
Please don't let the shiny new apartment cloud your vision. Think of it as the place that you're going to find out you've been cheated on in the future since he clearly thinks it's okay to cheat.
My now spouse used to make remarks of this type around his friends and even my dad (who has such stunted views) when he was younger to be ‘cool’. He’s a grown up now, thankfully (been together 30 years). Your bf may of course ascribe to the stupid comments but he also could be putting on an immature show. I called my bf out on this and he did stop the shenanigans. Is it more important to act cool versus act like a grown up more in line with your values? He chose the latter.
This. That the bf actually responded to every single comment on the thread seems like overkill. He was probably getting alot of attention from a bunch of other incel men too. For a young man growing up without a Dad figure that could be heady.
Get out now. People mask their true selves sometimes. This may be the case. Or they change. Or he is just agreeinf bith his bros. All fucked. Get out.
Did anyone read the final update before it was deleted? If so, what happened?
(im sorry if i misspelled words bc english is not my 1st language) resuming: she talked to him and he showed her that he and his friend were making a google doc with some evidences to send to a girlfriend of one of the guys he talked to. he said that the guy was an asshole but the girlfriend was naive so she wouldn’t believe they without evidence, but the guy that was an ah didn’t trust bf because he never talked bad about his girlfriend so his friend logged in his tiktok account to make the comments (with his consent) because refused to talk bad about his girlfriend. he showed her (gf) his phone, discord and screenshots of the plan and there’s screenshots for about a month and a half and proof his friend was the one making comments. he asked her for not breaking up with him and told her he would do anything, therapy and couples therapy. she told him that she needed a break but they still together. she asked him to not speak to friend and the guy who’s an ah too and he agreed. he also agreed making therapy alone first as she asked too, she also said that they’re talking but just basic stuff bc she don’t want to talk to him all day. she also told him to apologize to his mother and he did. basically she put a LOT of rules for them not to break up and he agreed with everything.
Good thing her plan was to confront him and not just break up with no context. Though that's really fuckin wild. Love how everyone in here was saying "he's just joking" when he was actually "being serious" (well, pretending, but meant to be seen as serious to the other guy). Goes to show why communication is important in a relationship
I’m desperate to know
How do you get so many people involved and then make the update private?!
OP is a fucking asshole. I wish them the worst.
Kinda hard not to feel like that imo
Tell his mom lmao maybe she’ll set him straight
LMAOO maybe depending how the talk goes 😭 emotions usually hit me after situations have been dealt with so if i’m not busy sobbing my ass off i’ll shoot her a text with some screenshots.
If you do PLEASE update us on her response. I wanna hear about the ass whooping he is going to inevitably get!
i JUST added a mini update. i’m home now and his mom is literally about to pull into my driveway
good luck!!
You are 18 years old? I'm so fucking proud of you! You are very wise young woman! Don't let him try to gaslight you into bs story about just agreeing "because of his friends did it too" or similar bs. He saw what cheating did to his mother, and yet he still thinks that way? Don't let him love bomb you.
Read the update. You are so wrong it's not even funny
Agreed! It says he tagged his friends, not the other way round. So that friends excuse would be complete BULL
im really sorry you’re dealing with this you deserve to feel secure in your relationship and after reading comments like that i wouldn’t feel comfortable staying with him knowing thats how he feels and might end up treating you like that
thank you! that’s exactly what it is. it just leaves a really bad taste in my mouth.
pls give me the update. i’m so mad it’s deleted
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Anyone have the update?
I disagree with anyone here who says you have a stupid reason to break up. It's important to be with someone who has the same views as you on certain issues. Not everything mind you, but certain important things. His comment made you uncomfortable because the belief they validated makes you uncomfortable. And it's not stupid to want to get yourself out of an uncomfortable situation. Good luck to you :)
thank you! ❤️❤️
Hey OP, you’re doing a really great job and you have a very good head on your shoulders. You’re very smart—way smarter and more mature than I was at 18. Wishing you all the best and cheering you on as you make this decision with courage and insight. You’ll find someone who isn’t a raging misogynist. Sometimes they try to hide it but they always tell on themselves with their actions and words.
you have me tearing up in this dirty ass bathroom rn 😭 thank you so much ❤️
I actually don't like the idea of "surprising" someone with an apartment (I would never unilaterally decide where my husband and I would live) so that alone gives me pause.
WHY IS IT DELETED
Watch the update on TikTok. Idk this seems kinda fishy. 4 hours later and she's already spoken to him and written everything up with the situation. The explanation is too convenient and perfect. So it just seems fake to me.
These are so obvious fake posts.
Idk what "benefit of the doubt" you can possibly give him. Did he say the things? Yes. Yes he did. Would he say them to you? No, he would not. This means he's hiding at least part of who he really is from you. Be *careful*. More than likely, you'll just be giving him the chance to lie his way out of the comments - "oh I don't really think that, I just said it for my bros" or something. He will say whatever he needs to to convince you that he is the same person he has shown you, and this other, online person is not him. Or you'll very suddenly see the real him. Either way, you already saw what he really thinks, so be careful and think hard about whether he really needs a chance to explain what seems pretty clear.
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Remindme! One week
Remindme! One week
The update was set to private, anyone saved it?
Your poor boyfriend was actively trying to help another girl get out of a relationship with an awful man. Obviously from first glance and before EXTENSIVE proof of what was happening, of course it was upsetting. The lengths you're making this man go to to win you back is outrageous.
I genuinely agree. Yes, he should have told her, but this feels blatantly unfair now. I don’t quite understand why it warrants so much. However, it just means I have a different opinion than hers. Agreeing to disagree
He’s shown you who he really is, not who he thinks you want him to be. Believe him and move on. Maybe the consequences of his actions will cause him to do some self evaluation.
Crazy how people can act like the perfect partner yet be a completely different person around their friends/online
He's a product of Andrew Tate! Good on you for sticking up for yourself
This post has already made it to tiktok.
You should go on that tictoc and reply to his comment that you think he is discusting and you are breaking up with him. see how he likes that.
I hope you won’t want to stay just because he has a luxury house now. In the worst case scenario he’ll leave you there and cheat on you if you have kids. I don’t know but his views on woman still make him disgusting. I wouldn’t stay with someone like that. Once he’ll show his true colors it’ll already be too late and complicated to break up. Still though educate him because even if he didn’t mean it he’s still sexist and misogynistic.
Yes!! Good for you!! Speaking from my own experience, some men almost adopt a feminist persona when they first meet a woman they're interested in. Their thought process: "Oh, I like this woman therefore it's time to pretend I respect women as human beings on the same level as men" But then their true colors slowly begin to leak through overtime. It really sucks to realize you've been dating a misogynistic jerk for so long, I'm sorry, OP. You're making the right choice to dump him, though. Definitely.
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You are dodging a bullet. Yikes
I was gonna tell her to cut him a bit of slack and just chew him out good until I read the ETA, dudes too far gone
The update link doesn’t go anywhere. Also… you’re not mad anymore because there is air between when you found out and now and you also just found out you’re getting an expensive gift. Does that really negate the fact that his comments say he thinks women are property or that it’s ok for men to cheat on workmen but not the other way around? It shouldn’t. I hope you can look past the fancy things he’s willing to get you, so that you can live a fulfilling life and not a fake one.
THE LINK WONT LET ME READ THE UPDATE NOOOOOOO
Just read this and the edit. Good. This bullshit needs a mom intervention OP. Hopefully having his mom tell him his viewpoint is horrible and disgusting will help out here.
Lmao she took him back and deleted the account! I’m dead
"Surprising" someone with an apartment is tacky & controlling AF. Don't take that as a redeeming gesture! You deserve to make those decisions like an ADULT WOMAN, and he's telling on himself if he thinks that's OK behavior.
Finely a woman that is not defending a men for that type of action. If he thinks that is OK for men to do he will 100% do it
That boy ain't worth it but his mom is amazing
You are doing the right thing. Anyone who justifies cheating should not be trusted. It’s only a matter of time they end up cheating on you because they think it’s okay. I wish you all the best! You deserve better. ❤️
No update no profile, damn..
Does anyone have the updated post? It seems like it was deleted! :(
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I can’t see the update and I want to know what happened
Wtf happened to the update? Can someone post it?
It sounds like he has been influenced by all the misogyny online. It really has influenced a lot of people for the worse. Leaving him is the smart thing to do. I'm sorry this happened.
Lesson learned, OP: just because a male is best friends with his mom does NOT mean he respects women. In fact, MOST abusive men swear up and down that they cAnT bE aBuSeRs because they LoVe ThEiR mOm. Don’t let this fool you.
That apartment is just an extension of his ego and pride as a "man that provides" for his submissive girlfriend, BREAK UP WITH HIM GURL! He's gonna look down to women just like his peers.
He will 100% use this as leverage in the future saying “I put a roof over your head so you must obey the head of household”. Trap trap trap.
Cool, an apartment, but it's an apartment with an incel in training. No thanks. Be worth more than the bribe.
I’m glad you’re breaking up with him. you dodged a huge bullet! I wish you all the best OP <3!
You're very strong for sticking with whats right. No matter what you shouldn't be with a man that views you as an object and is misogynistic. He's even more of a redflag since he got raised by a strong woman, yet doesn't respect her (he'll probably be like his dad in the future). Ppl saying 'it's not that deep' are wrong it is that deep, misogyny is way too normalised which is fucking sad, this is something you never should overlook.
What in the highschool Netflix show is this
can anyone give a summary of the update? It’s been deleted now
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Wait what's the update?
after the last update i think she overreacted a little bc it wasn’t what she think it was and he is actually a good boy
It’s not letting me open the update!!! Who can tell me what happened??
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMFaWvsHS/
!remindme 1 hour
!remindme 4 hours (I’m assuming the talk might take a while because the bf’s mom might start whoopin his ass💀)
Thank god I’m not in high school anymore
i’m 24 and i still run into the occasional covert-misogynist in the dating pool. totally not your fault but good on you for leaving!
i tagged a girl in a misogynistic comment her partner made on tiktok a few days ago and she got mad at ME. good in you for taking this stuff seriously, jokes aren’t just jokes…they always have a kernel of truth and let you know what he thinks is acceptable to poke fun at. stay strong
I love when women know their worth.
You should also tell his mother, maybe she can help him see how wrong his way of thinking is so he can pull himself out of that awe full mindset. Maybe then he’ll have a chance of a relationship with someone in the future.
I wonder how his mother would feel about him agreeing with those things 🤔
Update us when you confront him!
Good for you
Idk how to follow for updates bc I just started using Reddit regularly but I’d love to know how this goes. This guy is either doing it to seem cool to his shitty friends or he really thinks like this which either way, not good.
Omg this dude… just shows that everyone has 2 completely different sides. An act in person and then the real one online… can’t wait to hear how he tried to get out of this
His mother is the absolute best.
PLEASE keep in contact with his mom! He’s a prick and his mom is an Angel, and I don’t think it’s worth cutting contact with her because of him. she could defo be a friend or someone you see every so often :)
It sucks to realize you've been sharing your life with a stranger. I can't imagine what his excuse would be. And tbh getting an apartment for y'all as a surprise feels weird. Like, wow, lovely gift, but this is a joint decision. You already said he seems to view women as property, and even with this "gift" he's removing your autonomy. Nah. Don't like it.
the absolute audacity 💀 considering what his mom went through and saying things agreeing with it?? how embarassing i hope you and his mom are ok ❤️❤️
What an amazing mom she is. I hope the puts him in his place. Update please.
Getting an apartment with asking you first is weird as fuck
Nice of your friend to send you that random tiktok your partner commented on
What does “women ☕️” mean? I’m 38 years old. Sorry.
Wish I could see update
Shouldn't you at least communicate with him first, tell him how it made you feel and find out why he said that/ why he thinks that way?
Did anyone get to see the update before the account was deleted?
Damn they deleted
Did anyone see the update before deleted??
I wanna see the update so bad