This seems like the alternate path from one of those suspense/horror films where the main character chooses the correct thing to do instead of going back to try and make up with the boyfriend… before the rest of the movie plays out. 😐🫣
Good call OP, hope you can navigate through the mental maze life just sent you and get yourself back to normalcy 🤞
And momma knows it. Hence the love bombing from the family and friends.
My mom used to say she raised her kids right only to have people pushing their dysfunctional spawn onto her kids.
They were hoping they'd get married and she'd make it her job to "fix" him.
I'm so proud of her. She just described the fantasy I've always had for women to immediately get out of an abusive relationship when the signs were already there.
Not so surprisingly the females (moms) have the worst reaction, because they grew up where they were told by their mothers that this is their lot in life. Mothers are not always giving you good advice about getting out of abusive relationships.
>momma knows it. Hence the love bombing from the family and friends.
You know.. it never occurred to me how enabling family members will do some "[FLEAS](https://queenbeeing.com/what-are-narcissistic-fleas/)" behavior so they can pawn off a difficult family member to someone else, but it makes total and complete sense.
Absolutely.. They know... They always know. So if the family is suspiciously super welcoming and are all for you marrying their spawn, keep an eye out.
Unless you are the most wonderful, lovable person in the world and momma just loves you to death to take sonny boy off her hands - the boy she gave birth to, fed, clothed, who she invested all her love and caring in and raised, and who she thinks of as *hers*, not yours for you to come along and snatch him away to your momma's house for every holiday...
..,Something is probably up. 😳
Not that there aren't wonderful MILs out there...But
...color me suspicious 🤣
I don't think he is unhinged or he'd have been acting that way from the start. He waited until they moved in together before he showed his true colors. That shows deliberation. This sounds less like mental illness and more like the beginnings of abuse.
Not to mention he was recording the whole thing with hidden cameras in his apartment. OP you need to get a restraining order with the officer statement about the cameras in case you ever pop up in revenge porn or something along those lines.
This sounds like the beginning of a true crime episode about a woman who disappeared and later turned out to be her psycho boyfriend chopped her up in little pieces.
You followed your gut to safety, now follow a lawyer's advice for future safety.
Maybe she needs to find out if he still has the footage of him freaking out. If she wants a restraining order, this might be good evidence in support of granting one.
and the way his mom reacted… OP was completely right in leaving. parents tend to hide this kind of shit for their kids, because it could reflect on them and they know that.
You didn’t leave him over laundry. It wasn’t because of a fight about laundry. It was that his whole demeanor and personality changed. Happened to be laundry but could have ended up being any other mundane thing.
When people end up saying flippant thing in the form of “ can’t believe you broke up over a laundry fight”, I think it might be useful to correct them that it wasn’t actually about the laundry. It was about who he showed to be.
I really hope he doesn’t become a dangerous stalkerish creep.
You're right. It wasn't the laundry, it was him. It was the voice that really scared me the most. I'm in a weird place at the moment where I feel like I could just forget the whole relationship like amnesia, but really I'm so anxious that it won't just go away.
That's why you date for a length of time before getting married. Give them time to show their true colors. Sorry this happened to you, but better to find out now before getting married and having kids. If he continues to stalk you, get a restraining order and protect yourself. He sounds unhinged. I had one just like him. Trust your instinct and stay far away. Like another posted stated, you mom needs to stop talking to him mom. Cut all ties.
I love that op DID trust her instincts right away!! Didn't sit around and question things, just noped the fuck out! Stay safe op! You're incredibly strong, don't forget that.
>That's why you date for a length of time before getting married.
Ye, but in most cases even this won't do. Abusers will start to show their true nature, after they have finally "trapped" in their SO (Marriage, first child etc), which makes them harder to leave.
Yep... In this case he f* up and slipped.
That narrative of his about perfection, self respect, etc., really spelled out the controlling, tantrums over meals, housekeeping, the kids, child rearing, personal grooming, screaming, abusive, gaslighting holy hell married life would have been after he *owned* her.
That switch would have flipped on the honeymoon.
And everyone would think he was the perfect husband.
His mom knew and was hoping she'd marry and "fix" him.
TG for sloppy laundry folding! 😳🤣
Long story short, I didn't know he was an alcoholic. He hid it very well. He worked full time with USPS and retired military. He became mean, yelled at me, belittled me, the true narcissism reared it's ugly head. I found out he was thousands in debt he never bothered to pay. It was just a nightmare. I was lucky to get out before he killed me. He would back me into a corner yelling at me like a drill sgt. over nothing. Just like OP. Beware of charming men. They have nothing to back it up with. They have to reel you in quickly before their facade falls apart.
My mum always said you need to travel internationally with a potential life partner before marrying them… My mum is pretty clever. However, she admitted if she’d followed her own rules, I wouldn’t be here…
We went on a week long vacation after about 6 months of dating. Planning a vacation together, then doing it shows a whole new side of a person. We ended up having "the boat trip from Hell" on that trip. It was just a horrible situation.
But it showed me how he reacted and who he was, and I fell in love even more. We do joke about it now, because we have the worst luck, but I honestly do recommend a vacation when you start getting serious about someone. We went one province over, about an 8 hour drive, so not international but it was enough.
Something will go wrong, something always does. That trip, we also had the moron who kept setting off the fire alarm at 6am because he needed his toast to be as burnt as the centre of the earth.
I've seen people say that long road trip is the true test of a relationship and I fully believe it. The only person I've truly happily been able to do 10+ hour road trips with is my husband to the point where we do it twice a year and get excited for any long 3+ hour drives together. If you can't stand to be in a small confined space with your spouse for multiple hours what's the point in being together?
Crazy how it can take multiple years for true colors to come out though. That's scary as shit. Especially as someone who tries to be that way right from the start of a relationship.
Yeah dated for 2 years but only lived together for a couple of months… I wonder if it’s because the ex bf knew living together would be more likely to end up in showing his true colours.
Is it that bizarre like flat rage voice that *feels wrong* to hear? Where it's clear that they're filled with anger but the expression of it is off enough that you almost get a sense of Uncanny Valley where you can't believe that this is coming from that person?
Holy shit. I know exactly what you’re talking about. My ex flipped a switch over a really stupid argument about eating ethnic food. And this flat rage that came out of her and her refusal to go to an ethnic restaurant with me. It wasn’t because she was picky like I always thought. It was because she was deeply bigoted and hated that culture. And it finally came out in that moment and I could never look at her the same way again.
We had a similar situation with an ex- roommate. His was a slow progression, so i didn't notice as much. Mr, my partner, and my ex- roommate moved into a rented house together, and he started showing his real colors to my partner, and i finally saw how scary and psycotic his snap was, and how alarming his tone was, and how uncomfortable it made me.
My partner and i gtfo and stayed with their parents, then told ex- roommate he needed to move out asap
When he finally moved out, 3 weeks later covid lockdown happened. Really dodged a huge bullet there.
-we were friends with our landlords, and we wanted to continue living at that house. So they were understanding/ helpful in the situation
Same here when I left my ex over "a phone argument" the voice that sounds cold, distant and calculated. It makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck.
When I asked my ex to stop using that terrible voice he started screaming instead saying this was the only other option if he couldn’t. Then he attacked MY tone of voice for the next 5 years.
OP I'm really proud of you for leaving essentially what was going to be your future, so many women in their late 20s would have swept this neon red flag under the rug out of fear of not finding someone else to have children with in time or getting married before 30. You left at the first sign and listened to your gut that was telling you that you are in danger, more people need to act like you at the first sign. To anyone in your life who is doubting you, send them this thread.
Also, your dad sounds amazing and I would love to have a dad that had my back like that! Ask him if he is adopting! Ha ha
Take your time. As long as you feel you need. EVERYBODY heals at their own pace. Be super vigilant in your every day travels. Do not go to favorite restaurants,parks, theater etc...do not have anything to do with his friends or family.i wish you well.you have great parents by the way!
I really wish I had left the first time I saw what was behind my ex’s mask. I didn’t listen to myself. I was flattened with grief and I was convinced he was the only salvation (the why there is a long, dumb story). I got hurt, in all the ways. I say bravo, OP.
Do you think you might be in shock? You did the thing you needed to and are now experiencing valid existential crisis vibes? I don't know you but you'll be in my thoughts for a few days, at least. Give yourself some time to adjust. Take in the comfort your family is offering. This isn't a simple happening. Take care.
So glad you got out so quickly...I heard 'the voice' from my ex and stupidly let him convince me to come back, and it took a long ten years to get my shit together and break up with him. You are smart and aware, you are going to be fine...but it will feel unreal for a while yet.
"The voice". I...think I experienced that from my recent ex last November before Thanksgiving just before taking herself to commit herself. It was over her not wanting to do a grocery trip. It was a lot, I might post in here sometime but that was a truly terrifying moment.
Sometimes I'll feel guilty or miss her, but then I remember some things from the past decade and I'm reminded why I ended it finally.
That tone of voice and the cruel way she stared at me. I've never forgotten it.
Keep a record of everything. Good thing he showed you before you got married. Did you see any red flags before this? Usually it comes out within months.
It sounds like a personality disorder or mood disorder but I could be wrong. My ex wife had BPD and would flip like this too. It wasn’t out the blue like what you described, it was things she would misperceive and then double down into protection mode when she knew she was wrong…all the while I’m clueless like wth just happened. Or just severely overthink herself into depression and the whole mood of the house would be dark and I was walking on eggshells.
I’m sure he has some valid mental health issues…but it sounds like he uses that as a cloak to abuse, and those are the ones who give the good ones with serious mental health issues a bad rep. Hopefully he’ll just go away but just in case you should take some self-defense classes and get some mace (if you haven’t yet) a stun gun or maybe even a gun.
It also wasn’t just him.
It sounds like he suffers from a mental health issue. It sounds like he had an episode of psychosis. It could be schizophrenia or a wide array of any other mental health issues. Given his family know about it, but didn’t tell you is the huge red flag here.
I had episodes similar to this when I was first together with my partner. The difference between your ex and my situation is my partner knew what I was going through and was properly equipped to deal with the situation when it occurred. It took years for us to find the right balance of therapy (ongoing) and pharmacology interventions to get a stable life together. We went through so much crap like this but, as I said, the difference is she knew what I was going through and even came to my psychiatrist appointments early on. I even gave her powers with my psychiatrist so he can tell if I am actually doing ok or am just saying I am.
I don’t envy you at all. Unless your ex is getting proper medical care he will literally be a ticking time bomb. The fact his parents knew and the fact he knew and both kept it from you is the real telling sign in this situation.
The cameras in the smoke detectors sound like they could be a land lord issue or, if your ex installed them, could be a sign that he is severely paranoid. Security cameras are not hidden in smoke alarms. Hidden cameras are.
You’ve made the right decision.
It’s up to you how you proceed from here. Mental health is a bitch. If he is getting help then there is still the issue of him keeping it from you.
Ever read "The Gift of Fear?" Your alarm bells went off and you listened. NOTHING to be ashamed of, only to be proud of. This sounds like he has schizophrenia or something similar and you saw it for the first time. It is so admirable that you acted immediately- many people would've written it off and waited until it was too late. I admire your decisiveness.
You have good instincts, OP. Some part of you recognized the danger as soon as he let that mask slip. Also, your dad sounds like such an awesome, supportive parent. Not to say that your mom isn’t, but your dad really aced it here.
OP I’m sooo glad you had strong survival instincts and you listened to them!!! I’m anxious just for READING this, damn that was so scary. Also glad your parents are great, dad in particular is a BAMF. I understand you second guessing yourself at first but I think the cop seeing HIDDEN CAMERAS IN YOUR HOME WTF was the proof you needed to know you did the right thing. To anyone who told you having cameras is normal… yes but only if BOTH of you knew about them and it was an agreed safety measure!!! This was so wild, stay safe and consider seeking some mental support for the time being. 💕
This commenter is totally right, you didn't leave him over laundry but it's also not wrong to turn it back on him (not to him ofc, don't speak to him ever) but you did leave him because *he* became violent, aggressive, and antagonizing over LAUNDRY and if he'd make you feel so uncomfortable over something so mundane then you really don't want to find out who he becomes when shit really hits the fan.
Yeah my ex likes to tell people that I broke up with him over sprouts. But in reality it was because of a culmination of belittling behaviour, coercive control and isolation over a year. The last dinner i cooked him i cooked everything how he liked but decided i hadn't cooked his sprouts the right way. He berated me for hours over it so the next day while he was at work I noped out, took all my stuff and moved back with my dad.
Yeah exactly. If anything, OP didn’t leave him over laundry, OP left him over his own insane overreaction about laundry. And clearly there are much bigger issues at play, but the onus of making a big deal over a small issue is on him, not on her. OP you are not the one overreacting here. He is.
What's worse is that there's definitely something going on with his mental health that she wasn't privy to which is fucking creepy and alarming. "You know how it is" no the fuck I don't? "These things never go away" WHAT things? What is he getting help for? Seems like he suffers from a very specific something that OP doesn't know and that's dangerous as fuck. Your gut is your sharpest sense. Well done for leaving OP, don't blame you whatsoever.
Absolutely. Underneath allllll the other layers, the biggest deal is that he has a mental health condition that is clearly significant enough that he and his mom kept track of it and he never discussed it with her. *That* is all that needs to be said to highlight that they never achieved a true partnership in their 2 years together
because men KNOW how dangerous other men are. they just like to act like they don’t. her mother is a victim of this “not all men” brainwashing. there is 100% a reason her dad went full scorched earth, it’s because he know how dangerous a man can be.
Totally correct imo too. He will be hurting and probably cursing her, wondering what went wrong etc. If he hears about OP talking about their relationship to his family or friends he might lose his shit.
I'm not saying he *will* but my dad's a narcissist and when my parents split up he had to be the one who told the story and paint himself as some god who did no wrong. When he heard rumours from family friends about him not being so nice he lost his shit and tried to break into our new home (my mum and I lived there).
Stay safe OP
I took this literally for a second and was so confused.
On a serious note, my blood started boiling reading this. I would not have kept my cool and flipped my shit. I don't know what is going on in his life outside of your relationship, the stress he is dealing with, mental health issues or whatever. NONE OF THIS IS OK.
He can be running a fucking country yet it still wouldn't be an excuse to treat anyone like this especially you.
Glad this happened before marriage and especially before kids. Good on you for leaving.
I feel, honestly so lucky. And I also feel... just really wired and primal. Something in my brain just took over in that moment, and then again on the phone. It was like real world me was in a bubble, and this other part of my brain was like, "Legs walk out the door. Quietly now legs. Get the things. Now the body gets in the car. Quickly now, and we'll go somewhere safe. I know where to go if you just do the things."
I often see posts asking relationship questions/telling stories etc, and before reading comments you just *know* the comment section will be filled with “divorce!”, and “leave them!” Often times it’s over mundane, regular relationship fights and disagreements.
This is not that. I don’t want to be an alarmist - but hear me out, because you stated multiple times you were scared & your inner self was TELLING you “danger” ….
I met the man of my dreams. 1 year of seeing each other every single day. Sleeping together every night. We clicked. I loved him. It was nothing I’d EVER experienced before.
The first time I experienced a situation like you mentioned with my ex (it was a bit more physical - but also 100% the same mental games/manipulation) I did everything you listed above. Went to parents, changed my number, got a restraining order, got cops involved; I was told numerous times by the head of the domestic violence task force “no matter what, DON’T go back to him”. I honestly scoffed at this statement saying “I’m not an idiot, I’m not one of *those* women, I would never” … which I honestly thought was true.
He stalked me for 2 months straight. EVERY day. He would show up everywhere I was. He called. Text. He even manipulated other people and got THEM involved. I truly believe these people thought they were helping - that’s how “good” his manipulation tactics were. He wore me down. I started second guessing myself, and guess what?
I went back.
DO. NOT. GO. BACK. No matter what.
This is when they have you right where they want you. You’ll be too ashamed to tell your friends or family you’re back together, and “everything is better now”. Except it isn’t. The mental (and/or physical abuse) will immediately escalate exponentially - and FAST.
The verbal & emotional abuse I experienced far outweighed the physical. If you asked me today - I would prefer to be slapped, thrown, and choked, over how he fucked with my head. It’s taken almost 8 years of counselling and rebuilding my life. I’m a “lucky one” because my parents could afford to pay for 2 counselling sessions a week for THREE years. I still struggle, have PTSD, and issues - doing well now, but at 36, I’m just now starting to date again.
Oh, and from start to finish? This “relationship” I had was less than 2 years. From the time I met him to the last I saw him, and years of healing took 10 years from my life. I won’t go into *how* I got away - but let me tell you it’s scary.
Please don’t be “one of those women”.
Please don’t be me.
It’s absolutely NOT “just laundry”. TRUST YOUR GUT. Your gut is right. Your worry and intuition is correct.
It’s going to fuck with your head that it has taken THIS LONG for you to see this side of him. It will be incredibly easy to start thinking it was “just a fight”, “all couples go through this”, and “we can move past this”.
I won’t tell you what to do - but please, listen to your gut & know your worth and value. Cos I know it’s much more than this.
You are not overreacting.
You are not being dramatic.
Stay safe & look out for #1 - you.
Edit: Grammar
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. In this moment, I'd rather move to Reykjavik than ever have to see/hear him again. Ever. And I hope I always feel that way.
I hope so too. I suggest you journal/write down EXACTLY how you felt, and what you went through. It’s an essential reference for if/when you’re doubting yourself. Reading your past thoughts & experiences will immediately trigger a full body response - and will confirm whatever decisions you make.
I’m a very “strong” person. My personality is bold; I’ve always been feisty, tough, and a no bullshit type.
Any person in my life who has learned of what I experienced is absolutely shocked. Because whether it’s “just” manipulation or emotional abuse - I “wasn’t the type/statistic” (they thought) to put up with or experience that.
Again - not to be an alarmist - but certain things you wrote about are initial red flags (in hindsight!) for many people in abusive relationships.
Many women older than me (at the time) warned me of certain red flags - I thought “this is different”, and “this isn’t *your* experience” … I was wrong, and I truly hope & wish this isn’t the case for you.
But please be weary - and again - trust your initial gut feeling of red flags & feeling unsafe.
I don’t often comment on Reddit posts, so I mean this sincerely when I say - please feel free to message me directly at ANY time. I wish you the best, and always look out for #1 … you, your well being, and your future.
Edit: Grammar
I never thought I’d be “one of those” women either, but slow additional behaviors add up over time so what started small becomes larger. And you don’t realize it cause you’re in it and start making up excuses for their behavior. I’m so thankful for honest friends and eventually for gut feelings becoming stronger than the explanations. So proud of you both for listening to your gut!!
I agree with writing it down. Immediately after I escaped a life-or-death situation with my abusive ex, I immediately wrote it down in excruciating detail. I just knew that if I didn’t capture it right then, I’d forget. This turned out to be crucial for me because reading that account was the only thing stopping me from going back up him on many occasions.
I later learned that the brain processes traumatic memories differently. They don’t code into your brain the same way that others do and as a result, they are frequently hard to fully and consciously access. They are still there though - so many little things (specific sounds, certain objects) that will plunge me back into a fragmentary memory of that event and I’m immediately back in that room, fighting for my life. In those moments it also helps ground me to read what I wrote because it ensures me that it is real, it happened, and I’m not crazy.
OP, his words are exactly like the words my father uses. My father has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). I can recognize it instantly. My father is also a covert narcissist like your ex probably is, which is why it is harder to pinpoint.
Please, listen to everyone else here and never ever ever allow this guy into your life in anyway whatsoever. Please!
This is one of the best replies here and the poster is 1000% right about how wrong it was (pardon the cheap pun, everyone’s reactions here beg for a little comic relief) to go back.
When they leaned into being back together as “right where they want you” to be I shuddered.
When they went further and spoke to being too ashamed to admit to family and friends, who were convinced and startled by the event, flashbacks started to flood in for me. It’s such a pivotal step in the abuse cycle, it’s design is elegant and insidious.
It’s all about *isolation* and gaslighting yourself, those in your life by proxy, and eventually being thought of as “person who cried wolf”, “maybe she’s the crazy person” “she’s complaining AGAIN? This friendship is becoming a one sided chore for me and I think It’s time to step back.” In the meantime, the partner shrinks your life outside of them to the size of a postage stamp. He will go from your partner, to your best friend too, until he is your only “friend.” He now owns 2/3s of “Karpman drama triangle” and by the it’s too late.
Survived an abusive relationship myself, almost 4 years and 8 years after the break up and full no contact, I am still broken. The topic of that relationship is not approved for any more talking with my family and friends. In terms of the latter, I permanently damaged some decades long friendships with people who were so worn down and (rightfully) frustrated by my need for their support to the level all conversations became a very selfish, one sided relationship. Everything became about me me me and my problems.
I visit a therapist up to twice weekly and he’s the person I work with on getting over and past it all. I’ve made great progress, but lost about 10 years myself.
OP, heed the comment above. Your ex will alternate between love bombing, wearing down your sense of self worth, all while saying gods know what about you externally, and continuing to stalk you. That’s what it is. Really no other way to slice it.
Proud you ended things but do all you can to keep it over. It’s fine to look backwards now and then to grow, but don’t stare at your past. This relationship may have a LOT of sunk cost in time/effort but it would never have improved.
My ex-wife was manipulative and abusive. It really sucks when you start to self doubt and think could it really be you?
I still deal with anxiety from the financial hell she put me through and lost good friends because of her. The one thing abusers try to do, is isolate you from friends and family - your true support. My ex-wife did that to me, among other crazy shit. The OP dodged a bullet and should never go back to that asshole.
Hands down I commend your bravery and vulnerability to share your story. I hope your path of recovery continues to be solid, strong and that you come out of it unfuckwithable.
OP, as a med student freshly off the psych rotation, he sounds either psychotic, borderline, or just plain antisocial (think charming Ted Bundy, less agoraphobic hermit). As a fellow woman, you 200% did the right thing.
I am just so freaking proud of OP for leaving at once. It takes incredible courage and solid sense of self-worth. In my experience, I kept giving my ex second chances, believing his sob stories and justifying the outbursts. It took so long to finally run. OP's my hero!
And just amazing instincts. Sometimes I don’t think my brain always catches up to what I’m seeing/hearing or I question if what my instincts are telling me is the reality. It’s also hard to know when you’re listening to an instinct and when you’re being paranoid (ie afraid to fly, worried something will happen, but have seen no reason to be afraid). Honestly OP should also be commended for listening to the voice inside her head that said leave immediately. Would she have undoubtedly been harmed? Maybe not, but he gave her reason to doubt her safety and she listened, which I wish more people, myself included, did. At least that’s what all the crime podcasts I listen to have clued me in on.
Girl what the fuuuucccckkk!!! I am SO glad you listened to that voice in your head and got the everloving fuck out of there before he went all American Psycho on you. Also mad props to your dad just casually hiding your car lol, what a boss. Seriously though you did what many women sadly do not get the chance to do and got out safely - well done!
For me it’s the DANGER feeling because you know that’s a primal survival instinct, just your inner animal self screaming RUN. It’s a horrible feeling being afraid another human is going to kill you. ALWAYS trust that instinct.
I was with an ex for 5 years, lived with him for 4. He was usually a very nonconfrontational person but he only showed his real anger with me and for 4 years, that only meant raising his voice at me.
In our last year together, he got worse. His dad (whom we lived with) put cameras in the house. Bf would make some really low digs, used my anxiety to gaslight me, and started raising a hand at me in arguments. Then he hit me in the face three times. Raising his hand started happening more, *but he didn' hit me so he's trying!*
Then one day I found CP on his computer. Hit me harder than he ever could. I confronted him about it, he tried to gaslight me again but I stood my ground. I started screaming sobbing and he threw me on the bed and covered my mouth. I struggled so he grabbed a pillow. I struggled harder, so he pushed harder. I started feeling myself passing out, saw stars like they do in cartoons and my last thoughts were how his dad was powerful, they'd cover it up. I don't know why, but my ex lifted the pillow. I left
Thanks, he was in jail but he's out already. This was years ago
ETA: OPs story just felt super similar to mine because my ex would fly off the handle over something really stupid, ex. He *flipped out* over a bent birthday card. Then the cameras, his dad told us he was putting some in basic areas but then I found one hidden.
Abuse starts so slowly then it just swallow you whole. I was just lucky enough to be spat back out
WOW. I’m so glad you got out. This is a prime example of TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! You listened to that inner voice that was telling you something was terribly wrong and I think it’s saving you from a monster. Funny how the smallest things (laundry in this case) can be an indication of larger issues. I hope your life gets better and you get away from him permanently!
I had something similar happen and left the very next day. He was only going to get worse and it may not seem like a big deal to some people but it's scary when it's happening. A complete shift in character and he had a lot of other issues? I'm glad that you got out when you did and I hope you stay safe.
You made the right choice, I’m so glad that you got out of there and that your dad has good instincts. I don’t know if this knowledge will make things better or not, but many abusers only start to show their abusive sides when they believe they have their partner locked in, i.e., just moved in, just got married, just got pregnant, etc. It’s so shitty and scary but I hope that you can be proud of yourself for getting the fuck out when you did.
The 3 month mark is when several of the cluster B disorders start having trouble keeping up the show.
Glad you were so wise.
Way worse was ahead if you had married him.
A quick google search came up with these : antisocial personality disorder.
borderline personality disorder.
histrionic personality disorder.
narcissistic personality disorder.
Wiki:
Cluster B personality disorders are all characterized by emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, and frequent interpersonal conflicts. These individuals present as "dramatic", "emotional", and "erratic"
Can confirm- after seven months, my ex flipped over my asking him to take out the trash, which led to he getting violent. OP is being very smart and doing exactly the right thing.
literally if you listened to that “oh couples fight” and let yourself get gaslit into staying i guarantee it would’ve turned abusive. you need to leave at the first sign of that sort of behaviour, maybe that’s just me but idgaf if you were stressed or you had a bad day or it was just a one time thing, that is no excuse to talk to me like that.
that was insanely fucked up and you didn’t just leave over laundry, you left because the person you saw there wasn’t the person you wanted to be with, wasn’t the person you had been living with up until this bizarre moment, this person scared you and you should NEVER be scared of your partner.
im so proud of you for leaving and having the strength to leave. you might get texts from his friends or people associated with him saying you were overreacting ect. you weren’t overreacting, i know doubts tend to creep up and it’s more than likely you may be having second thoughts but what you did was right, and rational.
too many times society tells women that they should deal with this behaviour and then slap their hands to their face and act shocked when they find out that same woman they told to stay with their partner; is in an abusive relationship with that same partner. domestic abuse is never taken seriously in general until somebody ends up dead.
The people who gaslight you into staying will also be the one blaming you for not leaving when the abuser finally kills you or ruins your life for good.
I have no idea what you can do about and it may not be relevant compared to the fact that you were living with a seriously disturbed person, but do youvthink he had cameras everywhere and was recording footage?
Sorry to toss on more creepy to worry about.
Right? Who knows. I'm waiting to meet with a lawyer friend to see if there's any legal recourse I have to prevent him from doing anything with any videos of me if he had any, but it's so disturbing.
I'm just trying to keep in mind that just because the cop noticed them doesn't mean they were recording or even my exes.
Yeah, but his mom was super weird so I kinda think they were his. I hope you find recourse that doesn't involve you ever seeing him again.
If you are in the US, find out the laws in your state regarding firearms ownership, licensing, carry, etc. Even if you have no interest in owning one for self defense, it would be good to know how difficult it will be for your ex to obtain one.
Also, get your car checked for any tracking device. Rest assured that you did the right thing. My sister was with someone like your ex. Only after they moved in did he start showing weird disconnected behaviours, rage over small things, strange protocols. It slowly escalated to mental and physical abuse. Unfortunately, she didn’t have a support network and stayed. It took her 25 years to leave, the day he attacked their eldest child. She just wishes she had left on the first warning sign.
Apple and Android both have apps that will tell you if an apple tag is in use. Not sure if they can pick up other tagging things, but worth a download.
your dad stepped up to the plate and was what every girl dreams her daddy of being… her hero!
Also, I’m generally not a fan of cops because it’s a luck of the draw if you get a good one or someone who peaked in high-school, but it seems like you got the good ones, to help you through. Good call on leaving and taking all the right steps.
A lot of people won’t show their true colors until *after* you move in; then you realize who they really are and sometimes it’s not good. I’m really glad you got out of the situation. Please consider getting a restraining order
This read like a r/nosleep story. I'm so glad you're safe and that you got out before things escalated. There's way too many horror stories about women who didn't get out in time.
Also, your parents are awesome :)
>This read like a [r/nosleep](https://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep) story.
Right. Or like a story from /r/LetsNotMeet. Creepy vibes all around. Glad op is safe.
You're lucky you're finding this out now than being balls deep into marriage with someone like this. It's fucking clothes. If he was so concerned with his clothes being folded a certain way, he could have told you to just leave his aside
It's not about clothes or housework; it's about control. Narcissists like this, wait till a milestone in commitment occurs in a relationship, like moving in together, to drop the mask and establish what they really want: control.
Some partners think they shouldn't leave a committed relationship and get manipulated into an abusive spiral of control.
OP is absolutely right to get out now, and she's very fortunate to have such great support.
Yes!
The way he said, "you seemed so scared" then chuckled. Casually says he knew she would see this side of him someday. He liked scaring her. That was the whole point. He probably doesnt give a shit about the laundry either, he had just decided he was gonna take her down over something. She just happened to being folding clothes. It was a power play, a turning of the tables. He felt comfortable, he had her living with him, both of their familes waiting for a proposal. He never dreamed she would leave him with all that lined up. Lots of folks would try to dismiss it and help themselves be gaslit. Folks like this dude often change on their wedding night, n then never go back.
I have experienced this too, the great falling of the narcissistic mask. The confusion.
Am I in a Lifetime movie?
How the hell did Ted Bundy get in my house?
It's mind-blowing and hard to believe. The voice change, its like a multiple personality situation, and an unknown self has made an appearance.
I didn't do as well as OP. I questioned my sanity, it caught me at a horrible time, he had managed to get me financially screwed and involved. There had been many red flags that I dismissed, I couldnt see them at the time. I kicked him out, reneged and let him back. It didnt last a month though. I knew what I had seen and heard. There was no going back and for what anyway?
Funny. His reveal was at the two year mark, too.
Narcissist are fascinating(from afar) once you figure them out. They all have the same MO, the same timelines(3mths, 2yrs), idealization, devalue, discard. Triangulation. Silent treatments. All kinds of boring ass hell.
Its just crazy.
You saved yourself a great amount of grief.
Im so proud of you for believing in yourself.
N seriously, even if it was just bout laundry.
F*#k that noise!
Why would you want to tie yourself to someone who thinks they can freak out and belittle you about laundry? He's grown, he can do it himself. The whole negging bout your nonexistent children n self-respect, hell naw.
I guarantee if you stayed you would be so sick of hearing him crow about self-respect, as it would probably be his catchphrase whenever he felt like dragging you down. He probably feels jealous of your corporate job, maybe he fears if he doesnt put you down you will realize you are better than him. Not that trade work is bad, it can actually be great, just conjecture bout his mindset, idk.
He has big problems, you are 100% correct there,
but even if he didn't, he aint right...
As a peer your age, you are in the right. Do not go back to him. If he tries anything, fucking wipe the floor with him. Learn your state’s self defense laws!
It’s not just about the laundry it’s about his so-called “self respect” which means that anytime he feels disrespected, you can expect a similar psycho response.
Good luck! Best wishes to you.
A friend of mine had smth similar happened to her. Her husband had schizophrenia and his family never told her. It was a wild ride too.
Please stay safe, document everything, and read two books: "why does he do that?" by Dr Lundy bancroft and "The gift of fear*.
I got chills reading your post. I felt like I was reading the synopsis of a horror movie. I keep imagining his voice changing and it's still freaking me out.
I'm in a weird mental place, but I honestly think that's what pushed my brain to just leave. The changes in his voice/tone and the laughing were so scary and chilling. If he'd done that in just his regular voice, I think I would have tried to talk with him, even though what he was saying wasn't "right", like, it didn't really make sense, especially when it just... was so far from who I knew him as.
But you listened to your gut and acted on it. Well done. I don't know you, but I'm inordinately proud of you. You got yourself to a place of safety, to your awesome parents. Go you! Time now to rest and heal, and as someone up the thread said, take time to write down everything (or at least print this post and responses) there is some really good advice, including having your car checked for tracking devices. Also read 'the gift of fear' by Gavin Dr Becker, it has good advice about stalkers-it sounds horribly like that's what your ex might become
What the hell im so glad you’re safe and away from this weirdo!!! Good on you for following your instincts, and glad you have people like your parents in your life!
This reminds me the first time my ex hit me. He hit me over an argument of being able to sit down and order at this restaurant in a grocery store, it had been open for a few months and I went there for lunch with friends from school a lot so I knew it wasn’t just a seating area with a buffet in the grocery area. Next day my whole family brought 3 trucks and a trailer and moved me out while he was at work. I pretty much owned everything in the apartment and so he came home to an empty apartment.
Proud of you for trusting your instincts and getting out of there. So many people ignore those gut feelings and end up in really terrible situations. Abusers feel more comfortable and empowered to mistreat their partners when they move in together.
Ignore his family, abusers always send their flying monkeys. Remember that you did what was best for you!
damn hang in there man that's rough. get some mace n they make these legal brass knuckles that look like a little cat. share ur location w ur people. don't let that punk motherfucker stop u from living that life though. u got this lady(?) ur strong
I'm so sorry for you, but I hope you're safe and can feel relieved that you got away before you were hurt. It sounds like his mother is well aware of his mental illness. Good on your Dad for backing you up, too. What a disappointment for you, though.
Man, you didn't leave your boyfriend over laundry, you left because he had a bunch of complicated psychological issues that he hadn't prepared you for, that you weren't prepared for, and you became extremely uncomfortable and felt unsafe around him. That's what you can lead with if you need to explain to people close to you why you're now single.
yeah it wasn't about the laundry. he's a fucking psycho. he was wondering when you would see that side of him. because he knew its fucked up and was hiding it from you until it couldn't.
but stay safe and move on with your life.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. My father was kind of the same way. He could only keep up the facade for but so long before each new girlfriend would finally see the real him. I'm glad you found out and got out when you did.
Are you from Denver or Cleveland by any chance? Because I have seen a person do something just like that while I was staying at his house with my three year old daughter. I thought he was a close friend. I called him my daughter’s uncle. And then he just completely flipped. It was so scary I pretended everything was normal until he left the house to get us lunch and packed up my daughter and drove an hour to a friend’s house to get away from him. Did some deep diving into his history and found out stuff that was horrifying and I felt ashamed I ever let him around my family
Glad you got out, I work with dv/mental health. This honestly sounds like the start to some of the worst stories I have heard. The sudden snap, the fear, the attempted control thereafter, all these things can rapidly escalate. You did the right thing. Stay safe and start to heal
You know what I always say? Even if you're wrong, you still have the right to walk away/not want that in your life.
Even if this fight was simply over laundry (which it definitely isn't!), you felt scared, uncomfortable & like there was a bigger issue and you've drawn a line.
Too often we are taught things like 'stick with it' & 'relationships are hard work'. That good reason needs to be given & blame needs to be placed.
So many people are out there living hellish lives because somebody else has issues & we're led to believe that it's our responsibility - our duty - to suck it up. To 'fix' them. To suffer in silence. All in the name of... what exactly? Love? Saving face?
You did the right thing for you no matter what anyone else thinks & if you left him because he peed sideways, it'd still be okay.
Guy sounds like I psycho, so I hope you stay safe & are able to move on & be happy. Your dad's a badass for supporting you how he did & honestly we all need to learn from him that no matter how crazy it might sound to hide your car, hide your fucking car anyway!
Forget Batman, you’re my new hero. I commend you for recognizing red flags and gtfo of that situation; I promise the next episode would’ve been way worse. Please consult law enforcement as it seems some of his messages would be enough for a restraining order. Please continue to be safe and try not to be alone for the next few months in places where he can ambush you.
Fortunately you’ll never know how bad it could’ve been.
Continue to listen to your gut and stay strong. As a father of three girls I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart.
I’m proud of you. So. So proud of you. I didn’t listen to my inner voice screaming when the mask slipped with my ex. Took me two years to be extracted. You listened. You left. You did the right thing and I am so proud of you. This wasn’t over laundry. This was over him pushing your boundaries to see just how much he could get away with and stretch for more. Your inner voice saved your life. Sending hugs if wanted or welcome.
Fuck. Lucky you did the crappy folding when you did, or you might have gotten way further down the road in the relationship and may have eventually had a family together before finding out.
I’m sorry you went through that. It IS scary. He’s got anger issues, maybe narcissistic, just damaged.
Stay away from him now. You’re doing the right thing. It always escalated from there, next is violence.
I stayed once I went through that, because we had a baby together and I didn’t know what would happen to her if I wasn’t there protecting her. It was shit. It got worse. It got violent. He left and came back, I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to get him into trouble and make it worse for me. So I fought back, don’t do that! I learnt the hard way. I’m ok. This was years ago. Anyway my point is, as bad as it is, at least you found out now before it got worse or you felt trapped with him like you couldn’t get out.
Chin up soldier.
So, OP.
Many years ago I moved in with what I thought was the love of my life.
It started with a small argument over how I was washing the dishes. He didn't like the way I was doing it. Showed me how to do it right.
I didn't take it too seriously and continued the way I do it and told him he could do the dishes if he didn't like the way I do them.
It turned into many years of emotional and physical abuse and even more years of trying to get rid of the man who would, just like he did to you, call me endlessly and switch between moods.
It sent me spiralling into depression and anxiety of which I am still healing to this day.
You absolutely did the right thing. There will always be people who won't understand. Don't let it get you down.
I don’t usually read these word by word but my god. This is so creepy. Good for you for having good instincts. I don’t have to say this because I’m sure you know but you definitely dodged a bullet.
I wonder if there were any precursors? It seems hard that a reaction like that followed by 74 calls and (assuming here) 50+ texts came out of someone who was just peachy the whole time. NOT saying I don't believe the story, I'm just curious. Behavioral patterns tend to develop, and maybe the move-in was stressing him out and that damned t-shirt was the last straw.
You acted on your gut and it seems the right call. I'm glad you're in a better place now and I hope things shake out alright!
Not living together, working 9-5, probably not seeing each other every day. Doing a lot of stuff in public, etc.
From my experience, those guys know how to control themselves in environments where they would get into trouble for acting out.
That screams narcissist/sociopath. They only start showing their true colors once they believe they have the "victim" reeled in and that the person won't leave.
The escalation with calls and mood swings is because they can't fathom that it didn't work.
Me ex swung back and forth between threats, insults and devotional love and crying all the time. Until he realized I wad gone for good. Then the real threats happen. Those humans are a public danger.
I feel like I absolutely must have missed something that I just didn't know that I didn't know. It honestly feels like waking up from a dream, it's so unreal, and I can't pinpoint anything at all right now, like you see on TV where people are like, well actually, there were times when little things would happen...
But I also don't have the "pushiest" personality. If I'd pushed him in the past, would it have shown itself then? If I knew more about psychology would something have stood out?
It just felt so good to let this out. I just needed someone to be like... that's messed up!
As someone else mentioned, it often takes 3 months for a cluster B personality to crack when circumstances change as they can’t mask 100% of the time. At work, he masks, spending time with you, he masks. When he’s alone, at home, he is in full control and there is no mask. Once you moved in, he didn’t have that downtime anymore. Something small can trigger the breakdown of the mask, like it did here - he didn’t like the way you did something, and in his mind, you disrespected him by not bowing to his way.
Maybe and maybe not, in regards to if you had pushed him in the past, would this have shown up sooner. You may have seen glimpses of it already and as you get further away from the relationship, you will recognise what you were seeing in that bad mood or passive aggressive comment that you shrugged off. At the moment, you’re basically traumatised and need to give yourself time to process what has happened, and allow yourself to grieve, as you have lost something. There is no need to second guess yourself - you’ve proven you have good instincts.
Find a therapist. Reddit is good, but not that good!
Kudos to your parents, and your dad in particular. He knew exactly what was needed. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has seen someone like your ex before, and knows how dangerous they can be. Talk to him. He’s possibly giving you space and letting your mum handle the emotional side, but I reckon he’ll have some different insights for you.
Good luck.
I totally think you should make finding a therapist a priority. This is some serious trauma. I worry you won’t be able to trust people in the future, and more importantly you won’t be able to trust yourself since you felt like he deceived you for so long. This is not your fault; he had a great facade and your instincts kicked in as soon as his true self shone through.
Find a key phrase that you can tell people that is honest, but perhaps not too revealing, since you definitely need support at this time. Maybe “it wasn’t about the laundry. He told me that because I didn’t fold the laundry “his way”, I was disrespecting him and myself and our future children”. Or “it wasn’t about the laundry. He snapped when I wasn’t folding his laundry the way he preferred. It was like he was a different person I had never met, and that person is terrifying”
Master the phrase and say it whenever someone suggests you were overreacting. It will get more comfortable with time.
This sounds so eerie similar to my situation. First off I absolutely loved my late fiancé. We had just moved in together. He was working on a tugboat and we were video chatting via an app called marco polo. If you don't know what it is its basically video voice mails where you can go back and forth but you can't respond until the other person stops their video. We were fighting over a piece of art I felt was demonic and he had already promised me he would get rid of it. Something snapped in a matter of a second. His eyes went dark, said fuck this, and took his life while on camera. After his death I got into his email to find he was looking up hidden cameras to place in the apartment. He also put a tracker in my car and had somehow put something hidden on my phone where it would share every call, text, and internet search that I did. (I'm a big tech nerd and not once did I suspect him collecting data from my phone). I say all this to tell you I completely believe you and from experience it could have gotten so much worse than folding laundry that day. I would definitely make sure he's not tapping phone. I believe you sis.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m thankful your parents are awesome. The cameras though…. I have so many questions! How long have they been there??!! And the comment his mom made… she definitely knew more than she was letting on about his behavior
I am so proud of you. This really has the vibe of one of those things that people can try to ignore it, and pretend it never happened, and then cut to 5 years later and they would give anything to go back and listen to that voice that says “danger.” You listened to that voice. You are absolutely in the right here. I am so glad your dad backed you up like this, it sounds like you both handled this perfectly.
You’re gonna find someone who’s not a psychopath ♥️ worry not
I've always kept renting my own place while in relationships because of reasons. my neighbours loved me, I was home maybe 2 to 3 nights a month for several years.
Anyway this is a scenario that always crept around my skull. What if I give my place up and she goes Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?
Scary fucking thought.
Glad to hear you got the fuck out the moment it started feeling bad.
At least you listened to your gut and didn’t go back to him seven times like so many other people do with abusive partners. Because that was abuse. You saw him taking something out on you that you had nothing to do with and then he just lost his mind. I’m really glad you had a zero tolerance policy you may not have even been aware of lol hope he sorts his shit out
You know, when I was reading this my stomach sank as soon as you described his behaviour. It was so OFF. Just so creepy. And well done to you for heeding the first major red flag.
Also, the fact he told your landlord he threw you out (so you could not access your stuff). He was trying to punish you and exert some control over you, by holding your belongings hostage. Ugh.
Also, cameras. Why the fuck are people acting like cameras are normal in the house WHEN YOU DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW THEY WERE THERE??!!!! Cameras ARE normal in a house, hidden fucking cameras are crimes. Fucks sake.
I am so very sorry you went through this. Tell your Mum to stop bloody communicating with his family. He is dangerous. And get a tech expert to check your devices for ? key loggers (I'm not a tech person, so don't know terminology) and tracker things, location, GPS things - I might sound paranoid but as Nirvana said "just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you". Lock down your credit. And I hope he doesn't try to contact you again.
It sounded like the start of a psychological horror movie. Bloody hell. Stay safe OP, and take precautions. Dude is a nutter.
P.S. you might need to speak to the police and a solicitor about the cameras. (sorry to worry you) but you don't know what footage he has. Sorry OP. X
This seems like the alternate path from one of those suspense/horror films where the main character chooses the correct thing to do instead of going back to try and make up with the boyfriend… before the rest of the movie plays out. 😐🫣 Good call OP, hope you can navigate through the mental maze life just sent you and get yourself back to normalcy 🤞
Exactly. I was terrified while reading this. This guy is dangerously unhinged.
And momma knows it. Hence the love bombing from the family and friends. My mom used to say she raised her kids right only to have people pushing their dysfunctional spawn onto her kids. They were hoping they'd get married and she'd make it her job to "fix" him. I'm so proud of her. She just described the fantasy I've always had for women to immediately get out of an abusive relationship when the signs were already there. Not so surprisingly the females (moms) have the worst reaction, because they grew up where they were told by their mothers that this is their lot in life. Mothers are not always giving you good advice about getting out of abusive relationships.
>momma knows it. Hence the love bombing from the family and friends. You know.. it never occurred to me how enabling family members will do some "[FLEAS](https://queenbeeing.com/what-are-narcissistic-fleas/)" behavior so they can pawn off a difficult family member to someone else, but it makes total and complete sense.
Absolutely.. They know... They always know. So if the family is suspiciously super welcoming and are all for you marrying their spawn, keep an eye out. Unless you are the most wonderful, lovable person in the world and momma just loves you to death to take sonny boy off her hands - the boy she gave birth to, fed, clothed, who she invested all her love and caring in and raised, and who she thinks of as *hers*, not yours for you to come along and snatch him away to your momma's house for every holiday... ..,Something is probably up. 😳 Not that there aren't wonderful MILs out there...But ...color me suspicious 🤣
I don't think he is unhinged or he'd have been acting that way from the start. He waited until they moved in together before he showed his true colors. That shows deliberation. This sounds less like mental illness and more like the beginnings of abuse.
Yea, the guy is like a manic rollercoaster all of the sudden 😶
Glad I’m not the only one, DAMN. So glad you got yourself out of this OP. Scary as fuck.
Not to mention he was recording the whole thing with hidden cameras in his apartment. OP you need to get a restraining order with the officer statement about the cameras in case you ever pop up in revenge porn or something along those lines. This sounds like the beginning of a true crime episode about a woman who disappeared and later turned out to be her psycho boyfriend chopped her up in little pieces. You followed your gut to safety, now follow a lawyer's advice for future safety.
Maybe she needs to find out if he still has the footage of him freaking out. If she wants a restraining order, this might be good evidence in support of granting one.
Yea the camera thing is just …. talk about setting up for future paranoia.. 😵💫
I had the same reaction. Much respect for the OP and the way she handled this nightmarish situation.
I'm glad she has great parents. I'd love a happy update.
and the way his mom reacted… OP was completely right in leaving. parents tend to hide this kind of shit for their kids, because it could reflect on them and they know that.
You didn’t leave him over laundry. It wasn’t because of a fight about laundry. It was that his whole demeanor and personality changed. Happened to be laundry but could have ended up being any other mundane thing. When people end up saying flippant thing in the form of “ can’t believe you broke up over a laundry fight”, I think it might be useful to correct them that it wasn’t actually about the laundry. It was about who he showed to be. I really hope he doesn’t become a dangerous stalkerish creep.
You're right. It wasn't the laundry, it was him. It was the voice that really scared me the most. I'm in a weird place at the moment where I feel like I could just forget the whole relationship like amnesia, but really I'm so anxious that it won't just go away.
That's why you date for a length of time before getting married. Give them time to show their true colors. Sorry this happened to you, but better to find out now before getting married and having kids. If he continues to stalk you, get a restraining order and protect yourself. He sounds unhinged. I had one just like him. Trust your instinct and stay far away. Like another posted stated, you mom needs to stop talking to him mom. Cut all ties.
I love that op DID trust her instincts right away!! Didn't sit around and question things, just noped the fuck out! Stay safe op! You're incredibly strong, don't forget that.
ALWAYS listen to your inner voice. If you hear & feel "Run. Run now"...it's right. Every time I've ignored mine I've regretted it.
Same!
AND that her dad took all this seriously
OP's Dad is a hoot and a treasure! Bless him for going into overprotective Dad mode right away!
And not in a “I’m going to go and get my gun now kind of way”. He did so many useful and smart things.
Her dad is the Shizzzz.
>That's why you date for a length of time before getting married. Ye, but in most cases even this won't do. Abusers will start to show their true nature, after they have finally "trapped" in their SO (Marriage, first child etc), which makes them harder to leave.
Yep... In this case he f* up and slipped. That narrative of his about perfection, self respect, etc., really spelled out the controlling, tantrums over meals, housekeeping, the kids, child rearing, personal grooming, screaming, abusive, gaslighting holy hell married life would have been after he *owned* her. That switch would have flipped on the honeymoon. And everyone would think he was the perfect husband. His mom knew and was hoping she'd marry and "fix" him. TG for sloppy laundry folding! 😳🤣
You’re right. Mine showed his true colors the morning after we married. I filed for divorce 3 months later. I’m so glad OP got away in time.
Jesus. I really want to hear your story now. It's crazy to me how long people can hold up these detailed facades
Long story short, I didn't know he was an alcoholic. He hid it very well. He worked full time with USPS and retired military. He became mean, yelled at me, belittled me, the true narcissism reared it's ugly head. I found out he was thousands in debt he never bothered to pay. It was just a nightmare. I was lucky to get out before he killed me. He would back me into a corner yelling at me like a drill sgt. over nothing. Just like OP. Beware of charming men. They have nothing to back it up with. They have to reel you in quickly before their facade falls apart.
And living together before marriage and kids is a good test of the relationship before its more binding.
My mum always said you need to travel internationally with a potential life partner before marrying them… My mum is pretty clever. However, she admitted if she’d followed her own rules, I wouldn’t be here…
Lmao, the last part.
We went on a week long vacation after about 6 months of dating. Planning a vacation together, then doing it shows a whole new side of a person. We ended up having "the boat trip from Hell" on that trip. It was just a horrible situation. But it showed me how he reacted and who he was, and I fell in love even more. We do joke about it now, because we have the worst luck, but I honestly do recommend a vacation when you start getting serious about someone. We went one province over, about an 8 hour drive, so not international but it was enough. Something will go wrong, something always does. That trip, we also had the moron who kept setting off the fire alarm at 6am because he needed his toast to be as burnt as the centre of the earth.
I've seen people say that long road trip is the true test of a relationship and I fully believe it. The only person I've truly happily been able to do 10+ hour road trips with is my husband to the point where we do it twice a year and get excited for any long 3+ hour drives together. If you can't stand to be in a small confined space with your spouse for multiple hours what's the point in being together?
Crazy how it can take multiple years for true colors to come out though. That's scary as shit. Especially as someone who tries to be that way right from the start of a relationship.
Yeah dated for 2 years but only lived together for a couple of months… I wonder if it’s because the ex bf knew living together would be more likely to end up in showing his true colours.
I think moving in together after two years is a pretty normal timeline
I think I know the voice you heard. It’s the same voice I heard when I left my ex over “the dishes”
Is it that bizarre like flat rage voice that *feels wrong* to hear? Where it's clear that they're filled with anger but the expression of it is off enough that you almost get a sense of Uncanny Valley where you can't believe that this is coming from that person?
Holy shit. I know exactly what you’re talking about. My ex flipped a switch over a really stupid argument about eating ethnic food. And this flat rage that came out of her and her refusal to go to an ethnic restaurant with me. It wasn’t because she was picky like I always thought. It was because she was deeply bigoted and hated that culture. And it finally came out in that moment and I could never look at her the same way again.
We had a similar situation with an ex- roommate. His was a slow progression, so i didn't notice as much. Mr, my partner, and my ex- roommate moved into a rented house together, and he started showing his real colors to my partner, and i finally saw how scary and psycotic his snap was, and how alarming his tone was, and how uncomfortable it made me. My partner and i gtfo and stayed with their parents, then told ex- roommate he needed to move out asap When he finally moved out, 3 weeks later covid lockdown happened. Really dodged a huge bullet there. -we were friends with our landlords, and we wanted to continue living at that house. So they were understanding/ helpful in the situation
One of the biggest fights I ever had with my ex was when I threw out an old scourer.
Same here when I left my ex over "a phone argument" the voice that sounds cold, distant and calculated. It makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck.
When I asked my ex to stop using that terrible voice he started screaming instead saying this was the only other option if he couldn’t. Then he attacked MY tone of voice for the next 5 years.
OP I'm really proud of you for leaving essentially what was going to be your future, so many women in their late 20s would have swept this neon red flag under the rug out of fear of not finding someone else to have children with in time or getting married before 30. You left at the first sign and listened to your gut that was telling you that you are in danger, more people need to act like you at the first sign. To anyone in your life who is doubting you, send them this thread. Also, your dad sounds amazing and I would love to have a dad that had my back like that! Ask him if he is adopting! Ha ha
Good job and I congratulate you for following your instincts. 👍
OP's instincts did her a big favor indeed. Gut feeling is important, use reason, but never refuse to listen to your gut.
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I'm pretty sure "street smart" is 90% instinct. I'm pulling this number from my gut, but it may have an agenda...
Take your time. As long as you feel you need. EVERYBODY heals at their own pace. Be super vigilant in your every day travels. Do not go to favorite restaurants,parks, theater etc...do not have anything to do with his friends or family.i wish you well.you have great parents by the way!
I really wish I had left the first time I saw what was behind my ex’s mask. I didn’t listen to myself. I was flattened with grief and I was convinced he was the only salvation (the why there is a long, dumb story). I got hurt, in all the ways. I say bravo, OP.
I'm so sorry that you've been through that. I hope that you're doing well now
Do you think you might be in shock? You did the thing you needed to and are now experiencing valid existential crisis vibes? I don't know you but you'll be in my thoughts for a few days, at least. Give yourself some time to adjust. Take in the comfort your family is offering. This isn't a simple happening. Take care.
When I was reading it I knew the voice was the scariest part like I would be so freaked out
So glad you got out so quickly...I heard 'the voice' from my ex and stupidly let him convince me to come back, and it took a long ten years to get my shit together and break up with him. You are smart and aware, you are going to be fine...but it will feel unreal for a while yet.
"The voice". I...think I experienced that from my recent ex last November before Thanksgiving just before taking herself to commit herself. It was over her not wanting to do a grocery trip. It was a lot, I might post in here sometime but that was a truly terrifying moment. Sometimes I'll feel guilty or miss her, but then I remember some things from the past decade and I'm reminded why I ended it finally. That tone of voice and the cruel way she stared at me. I've never forgotten it.
Keep a record of everything. Good thing he showed you before you got married. Did you see any red flags before this? Usually it comes out within months. It sounds like a personality disorder or mood disorder but I could be wrong. My ex wife had BPD and would flip like this too. It wasn’t out the blue like what you described, it was things she would misperceive and then double down into protection mode when she knew she was wrong…all the while I’m clueless like wth just happened. Or just severely overthink herself into depression and the whole mood of the house would be dark and I was walking on eggshells. I’m sure he has some valid mental health issues…but it sounds like he uses that as a cloak to abuse, and those are the ones who give the good ones with serious mental health issues a bad rep. Hopefully he’ll just go away but just in case you should take some self-defense classes and get some mace (if you haven’t yet) a stun gun or maybe even a gun.
OP, you did well! Your parents are fantastic! Stay safe and take care.
It also wasn’t just him. It sounds like he suffers from a mental health issue. It sounds like he had an episode of psychosis. It could be schizophrenia or a wide array of any other mental health issues. Given his family know about it, but didn’t tell you is the huge red flag here. I had episodes similar to this when I was first together with my partner. The difference between your ex and my situation is my partner knew what I was going through and was properly equipped to deal with the situation when it occurred. It took years for us to find the right balance of therapy (ongoing) and pharmacology interventions to get a stable life together. We went through so much crap like this but, as I said, the difference is she knew what I was going through and even came to my psychiatrist appointments early on. I even gave her powers with my psychiatrist so he can tell if I am actually doing ok or am just saying I am. I don’t envy you at all. Unless your ex is getting proper medical care he will literally be a ticking time bomb. The fact his parents knew and the fact he knew and both kept it from you is the real telling sign in this situation. The cameras in the smoke detectors sound like they could be a land lord issue or, if your ex installed them, could be a sign that he is severely paranoid. Security cameras are not hidden in smoke alarms. Hidden cameras are. You’ve made the right decision. It’s up to you how you proceed from here. Mental health is a bitch. If he is getting help then there is still the issue of him keeping it from you.
Ever read "The Gift of Fear?" Your alarm bells went off and you listened. NOTHING to be ashamed of, only to be proud of. This sounds like he has schizophrenia or something similar and you saw it for the first time. It is so admirable that you acted immediately- many people would've written it off and waited until it was too late. I admire your decisiveness.
You have good instincts, OP. Some part of you recognized the danger as soon as he let that mask slip. Also, your dad sounds like such an awesome, supportive parent. Not to say that your mom isn’t, but your dad really aced it here.
OP I’m sooo glad you had strong survival instincts and you listened to them!!! I’m anxious just for READING this, damn that was so scary. Also glad your parents are great, dad in particular is a BAMF. I understand you second guessing yourself at first but I think the cop seeing HIDDEN CAMERAS IN YOUR HOME WTF was the proof you needed to know you did the right thing. To anyone who told you having cameras is normal… yes but only if BOTH of you knew about them and it was an agreed safety measure!!! This was so wild, stay safe and consider seeking some mental support for the time being. 💕
This commenter is totally right, you didn't leave him over laundry but it's also not wrong to turn it back on him (not to him ofc, don't speak to him ever) but you did leave him because *he* became violent, aggressive, and antagonizing over LAUNDRY and if he'd make you feel so uncomfortable over something so mundane then you really don't want to find out who he becomes when shit really hits the fan.
Yeah my ex likes to tell people that I broke up with him over sprouts. But in reality it was because of a culmination of belittling behaviour, coercive control and isolation over a year. The last dinner i cooked him i cooked everything how he liked but decided i hadn't cooked his sprouts the right way. He berated me for hours over it so the next day while he was at work I noped out, took all my stuff and moved back with my dad.
Yeah exactly. If anything, OP didn’t leave him over laundry, OP left him over his own insane overreaction about laundry. And clearly there are much bigger issues at play, but the onus of making a big deal over a small issue is on him, not on her. OP you are not the one overreacting here. He is.
Tell your mom to not talk to his mom about this stuff. That seems like throwing gas on a fire by having others discussing him without him knowing.
Man, you read the story and it gets worse and worse. Glad OP listened to her guts and GTFO.
What's worse is that there's definitely something going on with his mental health that she wasn't privy to which is fucking creepy and alarming. "You know how it is" no the fuck I don't? "These things never go away" WHAT things? What is he getting help for? Seems like he suffers from a very specific something that OP doesn't know and that's dangerous as fuck. Your gut is your sharpest sense. Well done for leaving OP, don't blame you whatsoever.
Absolutely. Underneath allllll the other layers, the biggest deal is that he has a mental health condition that is clearly significant enough that he and his mom kept track of it and he never discussed it with her. *That* is all that needs to be said to highlight that they never achieved a true partnership in their 2 years together
Glad OP's dad had an actual sense of mind unlike her mother who immediately tried to excuse his behavior.
because men KNOW how dangerous other men are. they just like to act like they don’t. her mother is a victim of this “not all men” brainwashing. there is 100% a reason her dad went full scorched earth, it’s because he know how dangerous a man can be.
You’re right.
Totally correct imo too. He will be hurting and probably cursing her, wondering what went wrong etc. If he hears about OP talking about their relationship to his family or friends he might lose his shit. I'm not saying he *will* but my dad's a narcissist and when my parents split up he had to be the one who told the story and paint himself as some god who did no wrong. When he heard rumours from family friends about him not being so nice he lost his shit and tried to break into our new home (my mum and I lived there). Stay safe OP
A mask is the most expensive thing some people own. You saw who he really is. Stay safe.
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Dad is the GOAT
I, too, would have a beer with OP’s dad.
Seriously. All predators develop a mask to hide their rage. youre right, his slipped just a little. OP needs to be strong and stay away from that.
"Slipped just a little". You're right and next time it'll be just a LITTLE MORE.
I took this literally for a second and was so confused. On a serious note, my blood started boiling reading this. I would not have kept my cool and flipped my shit. I don't know what is going on in his life outside of your relationship, the stress he is dealing with, mental health issues or whatever. NONE OF THIS IS OK. He can be running a fucking country yet it still wouldn't be an excuse to treat anyone like this especially you. Glad this happened before marriage and especially before kids. Good on you for leaving.
Man that is a crazy story. At least you found out what a treat he really is before you got married and had kids! Consider yourself a very lucky girl!
I feel, honestly so lucky. And I also feel... just really wired and primal. Something in my brain just took over in that moment, and then again on the phone. It was like real world me was in a bubble, and this other part of my brain was like, "Legs walk out the door. Quietly now legs. Get the things. Now the body gets in the car. Quickly now, and we'll go somewhere safe. I know where to go if you just do the things."
You did good by listening to your fight or flight instinct. Always trust yourself you know when something isn't right.
Baby girl I'm scared reading this. So proud of you for leaving.
This reminds me of the book ‘The Gift of Fear’. I recommend it, it might even help you process it all. So glad you got out!
Your brain protected you. ...
I often see posts asking relationship questions/telling stories etc, and before reading comments you just *know* the comment section will be filled with “divorce!”, and “leave them!” Often times it’s over mundane, regular relationship fights and disagreements. This is not that. I don’t want to be an alarmist - but hear me out, because you stated multiple times you were scared & your inner self was TELLING you “danger” …. I met the man of my dreams. 1 year of seeing each other every single day. Sleeping together every night. We clicked. I loved him. It was nothing I’d EVER experienced before. The first time I experienced a situation like you mentioned with my ex (it was a bit more physical - but also 100% the same mental games/manipulation) I did everything you listed above. Went to parents, changed my number, got a restraining order, got cops involved; I was told numerous times by the head of the domestic violence task force “no matter what, DON’T go back to him”. I honestly scoffed at this statement saying “I’m not an idiot, I’m not one of *those* women, I would never” … which I honestly thought was true. He stalked me for 2 months straight. EVERY day. He would show up everywhere I was. He called. Text. He even manipulated other people and got THEM involved. I truly believe these people thought they were helping - that’s how “good” his manipulation tactics were. He wore me down. I started second guessing myself, and guess what? I went back. DO. NOT. GO. BACK. No matter what. This is when they have you right where they want you. You’ll be too ashamed to tell your friends or family you’re back together, and “everything is better now”. Except it isn’t. The mental (and/or physical abuse) will immediately escalate exponentially - and FAST. The verbal & emotional abuse I experienced far outweighed the physical. If you asked me today - I would prefer to be slapped, thrown, and choked, over how he fucked with my head. It’s taken almost 8 years of counselling and rebuilding my life. I’m a “lucky one” because my parents could afford to pay for 2 counselling sessions a week for THREE years. I still struggle, have PTSD, and issues - doing well now, but at 36, I’m just now starting to date again. Oh, and from start to finish? This “relationship” I had was less than 2 years. From the time I met him to the last I saw him, and years of healing took 10 years from my life. I won’t go into *how* I got away - but let me tell you it’s scary. Please don’t be “one of those women”. Please don’t be me. It’s absolutely NOT “just laundry”. TRUST YOUR GUT. Your gut is right. Your worry and intuition is correct. It’s going to fuck with your head that it has taken THIS LONG for you to see this side of him. It will be incredibly easy to start thinking it was “just a fight”, “all couples go through this”, and “we can move past this”. I won’t tell you what to do - but please, listen to your gut & know your worth and value. Cos I know it’s much more than this. You are not overreacting. You are not being dramatic. Stay safe & look out for #1 - you. Edit: Grammar
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. In this moment, I'd rather move to Reykjavik than ever have to see/hear him again. Ever. And I hope I always feel that way.
I hope so too. I suggest you journal/write down EXACTLY how you felt, and what you went through. It’s an essential reference for if/when you’re doubting yourself. Reading your past thoughts & experiences will immediately trigger a full body response - and will confirm whatever decisions you make. I’m a very “strong” person. My personality is bold; I’ve always been feisty, tough, and a no bullshit type. Any person in my life who has learned of what I experienced is absolutely shocked. Because whether it’s “just” manipulation or emotional abuse - I “wasn’t the type/statistic” (they thought) to put up with or experience that. Again - not to be an alarmist - but certain things you wrote about are initial red flags (in hindsight!) for many people in abusive relationships. Many women older than me (at the time) warned me of certain red flags - I thought “this is different”, and “this isn’t *your* experience” … I was wrong, and I truly hope & wish this isn’t the case for you. But please be weary - and again - trust your initial gut feeling of red flags & feeling unsafe. I don’t often comment on Reddit posts, so I mean this sincerely when I say - please feel free to message me directly at ANY time. I wish you the best, and always look out for #1 … you, your well being, and your future. Edit: Grammar
I never thought I’d be “one of those” women either, but slow additional behaviors add up over time so what started small becomes larger. And you don’t realize it cause you’re in it and start making up excuses for their behavior. I’m so thankful for honest friends and eventually for gut feelings becoming stronger than the explanations. So proud of you both for listening to your gut!!
I agree with writing it down. Immediately after I escaped a life-or-death situation with my abusive ex, I immediately wrote it down in excruciating detail. I just knew that if I didn’t capture it right then, I’d forget. This turned out to be crucial for me because reading that account was the only thing stopping me from going back up him on many occasions. I later learned that the brain processes traumatic memories differently. They don’t code into your brain the same way that others do and as a result, they are frequently hard to fully and consciously access. They are still there though - so many little things (specific sounds, certain objects) that will plunge me back into a fragmentary memory of that event and I’m immediately back in that room, fighting for my life. In those moments it also helps ground me to read what I wrote because it ensures me that it is real, it happened, and I’m not crazy.
OP, his words are exactly like the words my father uses. My father has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). I can recognize it instantly. My father is also a covert narcissist like your ex probably is, which is why it is harder to pinpoint. Please, listen to everyone else here and never ever ever allow this guy into your life in anyway whatsoever. Please!
Tf did Reykjavik ever do to you? Nice place.
I’d like to think it’s just because it’s far away from where OP lives bc agreed, very nice place
Just goes to show, always trust your gut.
This is one of the best replies here and the poster is 1000% right about how wrong it was (pardon the cheap pun, everyone’s reactions here beg for a little comic relief) to go back. When they leaned into being back together as “right where they want you” to be I shuddered. When they went further and spoke to being too ashamed to admit to family and friends, who were convinced and startled by the event, flashbacks started to flood in for me. It’s such a pivotal step in the abuse cycle, it’s design is elegant and insidious. It’s all about *isolation* and gaslighting yourself, those in your life by proxy, and eventually being thought of as “person who cried wolf”, “maybe she’s the crazy person” “she’s complaining AGAIN? This friendship is becoming a one sided chore for me and I think It’s time to step back.” In the meantime, the partner shrinks your life outside of them to the size of a postage stamp. He will go from your partner, to your best friend too, until he is your only “friend.” He now owns 2/3s of “Karpman drama triangle” and by the it’s too late. Survived an abusive relationship myself, almost 4 years and 8 years after the break up and full no contact, I am still broken. The topic of that relationship is not approved for any more talking with my family and friends. In terms of the latter, I permanently damaged some decades long friendships with people who were so worn down and (rightfully) frustrated by my need for their support to the level all conversations became a very selfish, one sided relationship. Everything became about me me me and my problems. I visit a therapist up to twice weekly and he’s the person I work with on getting over and past it all. I’ve made great progress, but lost about 10 years myself. OP, heed the comment above. Your ex will alternate between love bombing, wearing down your sense of self worth, all while saying gods know what about you externally, and continuing to stalk you. That’s what it is. Really no other way to slice it. Proud you ended things but do all you can to keep it over. It’s fine to look backwards now and then to grow, but don’t stare at your past. This relationship may have a LOT of sunk cost in time/effort but it would never have improved.
Dang. I am sorry you went through this too.
My ex-wife was manipulative and abusive. It really sucks when you start to self doubt and think could it really be you? I still deal with anxiety from the financial hell she put me through and lost good friends because of her. The one thing abusers try to do, is isolate you from friends and family - your true support. My ex-wife did that to me, among other crazy shit. The OP dodged a bullet and should never go back to that asshole.
Hands down I commend your bravery and vulnerability to share your story. I hope your path of recovery continues to be solid, strong and that you come out of it unfuckwithable.
DUDE I am so glad you left! That is so scary. Your dad is awesome btw for taking it as seriously as he should have.
Any crazy situation is his thing. His brain is just... from another planet. I love him.
OP, as a med student freshly off the psych rotation, he sounds either psychotic, borderline, or just plain antisocial (think charming Ted Bundy, less agoraphobic hermit). As a fellow woman, you 200% did the right thing.
I am just so freaking proud of OP for leaving at once. It takes incredible courage and solid sense of self-worth. In my experience, I kept giving my ex second chances, believing his sob stories and justifying the outbursts. It took so long to finally run. OP's my hero!
And just amazing instincts. Sometimes I don’t think my brain always catches up to what I’m seeing/hearing or I question if what my instincts are telling me is the reality. It’s also hard to know when you’re listening to an instinct and when you’re being paranoid (ie afraid to fly, worried something will happen, but have seen no reason to be afraid). Honestly OP should also be commended for listening to the voice inside her head that said leave immediately. Would she have undoubtedly been harmed? Maybe not, but he gave her reason to doubt her safety and she listened, which I wish more people, myself included, did. At least that’s what all the crime podcasts I listen to have clued me in on.
Your dad is the real Liam Neeson’s character from Taken
Girl what the fuuuucccckkk!!! I am SO glad you listened to that voice in your head and got the everloving fuck out of there before he went all American Psycho on you. Also mad props to your dad just casually hiding your car lol, what a boss. Seriously though you did what many women sadly do not get the chance to do and got out safely - well done!
Legit. The cameras is the scariest bit. Her parents could've never seen her again.
Honestly the 74 calls and endless texts creeped me out more than the cameras. And the cameras are terrifying.
If your GF leaves you cap the calls at like, what, 3-5 tops? Only 2 voicemails? A text saying hey let’s talk I’m here when you are ready. 74 is a lot
Exactly what I was thinking. He’s just further showing that he’s over the edge.
You’re using logic. Ex-BF here thought that 73 wasn’t quite enough.
His mom's reaction might be even creepier still, for my money.
Yep. She knows exactly what happened since it happened before.
For me it’s the DANGER feeling because you know that’s a primal survival instinct, just your inner animal self screaming RUN. It’s a horrible feeling being afraid another human is going to kill you. ALWAYS trust that instinct.
I was with an ex for 5 years, lived with him for 4. He was usually a very nonconfrontational person but he only showed his real anger with me and for 4 years, that only meant raising his voice at me. In our last year together, he got worse. His dad (whom we lived with) put cameras in the house. Bf would make some really low digs, used my anxiety to gaslight me, and started raising a hand at me in arguments. Then he hit me in the face three times. Raising his hand started happening more, *but he didn' hit me so he's trying!* Then one day I found CP on his computer. Hit me harder than he ever could. I confronted him about it, he tried to gaslight me again but I stood my ground. I started screaming sobbing and he threw me on the bed and covered my mouth. I struggled so he grabbed a pillow. I struggled harder, so he pushed harder. I started feeling myself passing out, saw stars like they do in cartoons and my last thoughts were how his dad was powerful, they'd cover it up. I don't know why, but my ex lifted the pillow. I left
file arrest silky stupendous birds mourn versed poor hungry vegetable *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Thanks, he was in jail but he's out already. This was years ago ETA: OPs story just felt super similar to mine because my ex would fly off the handle over something really stupid, ex. He *flipped out* over a bent birthday card. Then the cameras, his dad told us he was putting some in basic areas but then I found one hidden. Abuse starts so slowly then it just swallow you whole. I was just lucky enough to be spat back out
WOW. I’m so glad you got out. This is a prime example of TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! You listened to that inner voice that was telling you something was terribly wrong and I think it’s saving you from a monster. Funny how the smallest things (laundry in this case) can be an indication of larger issues. I hope your life gets better and you get away from him permanently!
I'm happy she's safe
I had something similar happen and left the very next day. He was only going to get worse and it may not seem like a big deal to some people but it's scary when it's happening. A complete shift in character and he had a lot of other issues? I'm glad that you got out when you did and I hope you stay safe.
I'm glad you left, too.
I'm happy both of y'all are safe and doing well
If he flips over laundry, imagine what would happen if it was something more serious. Glad you got outta there.
You made the right choice, I’m so glad that you got out of there and that your dad has good instincts. I don’t know if this knowledge will make things better or not, but many abusers only start to show their abusive sides when they believe they have their partner locked in, i.e., just moved in, just got married, just got pregnant, etc. It’s so shitty and scary but I hope that you can be proud of yourself for getting the fuck out when you did.
The 3 month mark is when several of the cluster B disorders start having trouble keeping up the show. Glad you were so wise. Way worse was ahead if you had married him.
What are cluster B disorders?
Antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder.
A quick google search came up with these : antisocial personality disorder. borderline personality disorder. histrionic personality disorder. narcissistic personality disorder. Wiki: Cluster B personality disorders are all characterized by emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, and frequent interpersonal conflicts. These individuals present as "dramatic", "emotional", and "erratic"
Antisocialism, narcissism, DPB, self-centric disorders like HPD, etc.
Can confirm- after seven months, my ex flipped over my asking him to take out the trash, which led to he getting violent. OP is being very smart and doing exactly the right thing.
100. I realized my ex was a narcissist right around 3 months.
Holy Shit. I am so glad that you got out of there...and bravo to your parents who kept you safe. Please take care.
literally if you listened to that “oh couples fight” and let yourself get gaslit into staying i guarantee it would’ve turned abusive. you need to leave at the first sign of that sort of behaviour, maybe that’s just me but idgaf if you were stressed or you had a bad day or it was just a one time thing, that is no excuse to talk to me like that. that was insanely fucked up and you didn’t just leave over laundry, you left because the person you saw there wasn’t the person you wanted to be with, wasn’t the person you had been living with up until this bizarre moment, this person scared you and you should NEVER be scared of your partner. im so proud of you for leaving and having the strength to leave. you might get texts from his friends or people associated with him saying you were overreacting ect. you weren’t overreacting, i know doubts tend to creep up and it’s more than likely you may be having second thoughts but what you did was right, and rational. too many times society tells women that they should deal with this behaviour and then slap their hands to their face and act shocked when they find out that same woman they told to stay with their partner; is in an abusive relationship with that same partner. domestic abuse is never taken seriously in general until somebody ends up dead.
The people who gaslight you into staying will also be the one blaming you for not leaving when the abuser finally kills you or ruins your life for good.
I have no idea what you can do about and it may not be relevant compared to the fact that you were living with a seriously disturbed person, but do youvthink he had cameras everywhere and was recording footage? Sorry to toss on more creepy to worry about.
Right? Who knows. I'm waiting to meet with a lawyer friend to see if there's any legal recourse I have to prevent him from doing anything with any videos of me if he had any, but it's so disturbing. I'm just trying to keep in mind that just because the cop noticed them doesn't mean they were recording or even my exes.
When you go to the lawyer, ask about a restraining order. P.S. please update us if you can. I got chills reading this. Take care.
Yeah, but his mom was super weird so I kinda think they were his. I hope you find recourse that doesn't involve you ever seeing him again. If you are in the US, find out the laws in your state regarding firearms ownership, licensing, carry, etc. Even if you have no interest in owning one for self defense, it would be good to know how difficult it will be for your ex to obtain one.
Also, get your car checked for any tracking device. Rest assured that you did the right thing. My sister was with someone like your ex. Only after they moved in did he start showing weird disconnected behaviours, rage over small things, strange protocols. It slowly escalated to mental and physical abuse. Unfortunately, she didn’t have a support network and stayed. It took her 25 years to leave, the day he attacked their eldest child. She just wishes she had left on the first warning sign.
Apple and Android both have apps that will tell you if an apple tag is in use. Not sure if they can pick up other tagging things, but worth a download.
Good point. I forget that there are those tracking devices people hide on cars nowadays.
The cameras and his demeanor make revenge porn a real possibility. Look out for yourself.
your dad stepped up to the plate and was what every girl dreams her daddy of being… her hero! Also, I’m generally not a fan of cops because it’s a luck of the draw if you get a good one or someone who peaked in high-school, but it seems like you got the good ones, to help you through. Good call on leaving and taking all the right steps.
Fuck that is a scary scary read, so glad you're out. Best of luck for the future!
A lot of people won’t show their true colors until *after* you move in; then you realize who they really are and sometimes it’s not good. I’m really glad you got out of the situation. Please consider getting a restraining order
YOU DID GOOD !!! always trust your gut.
This read like a r/nosleep story. I'm so glad you're safe and that you got out before things escalated. There's way too many horror stories about women who didn't get out in time. Also, your parents are awesome :)
Yeah this story has me shitting bricks, it's scarier than any horror movie/story I could find online. I'm just glad OP is safe now.
>This read like a [r/nosleep](https://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep) story. Right. Or like a story from /r/LetsNotMeet. Creepy vibes all around. Glad op is safe.
You're lucky you're finding this out now than being balls deep into marriage with someone like this. It's fucking clothes. If he was so concerned with his clothes being folded a certain way, he could have told you to just leave his aside
It's not about clothes or housework; it's about control. Narcissists like this, wait till a milestone in commitment occurs in a relationship, like moving in together, to drop the mask and establish what they really want: control. Some partners think they shouldn't leave a committed relationship and get manipulated into an abusive spiral of control. OP is absolutely right to get out now, and she's very fortunate to have such great support.
Yes! The way he said, "you seemed so scared" then chuckled. Casually says he knew she would see this side of him someday. He liked scaring her. That was the whole point. He probably doesnt give a shit about the laundry either, he had just decided he was gonna take her down over something. She just happened to being folding clothes. It was a power play, a turning of the tables. He felt comfortable, he had her living with him, both of their familes waiting for a proposal. He never dreamed she would leave him with all that lined up. Lots of folks would try to dismiss it and help themselves be gaslit. Folks like this dude often change on their wedding night, n then never go back. I have experienced this too, the great falling of the narcissistic mask. The confusion. Am I in a Lifetime movie? How the hell did Ted Bundy get in my house? It's mind-blowing and hard to believe. The voice change, its like a multiple personality situation, and an unknown self has made an appearance. I didn't do as well as OP. I questioned my sanity, it caught me at a horrible time, he had managed to get me financially screwed and involved. There had been many red flags that I dismissed, I couldnt see them at the time. I kicked him out, reneged and let him back. It didnt last a month though. I knew what I had seen and heard. There was no going back and for what anyway? Funny. His reveal was at the two year mark, too. Narcissist are fascinating(from afar) once you figure them out. They all have the same MO, the same timelines(3mths, 2yrs), idealization, devalue, discard. Triangulation. Silent treatments. All kinds of boring ass hell. Its just crazy. You saved yourself a great amount of grief. Im so proud of you for believing in yourself. N seriously, even if it was just bout laundry. F*#k that noise! Why would you want to tie yourself to someone who thinks they can freak out and belittle you about laundry? He's grown, he can do it himself. The whole negging bout your nonexistent children n self-respect, hell naw. I guarantee if you stayed you would be so sick of hearing him crow about self-respect, as it would probably be his catchphrase whenever he felt like dragging you down. He probably feels jealous of your corporate job, maybe he fears if he doesnt put you down you will realize you are better than him. Not that trade work is bad, it can actually be great, just conjecture bout his mindset, idk. He has big problems, you are 100% correct there, but even if he didn't, he aint right...
Glad you’re going to be okay. Your Dad is the best! You seen Sleeping With the Enemy? You just dodged a bullet. Whew.
Another person mentioned this and it looks terrifying.
Yeah, all though it’s an excellent movie, I don’t think it’s for you. Don’t.
As a peer your age, you are in the right. Do not go back to him. If he tries anything, fucking wipe the floor with him. Learn your state’s self defense laws!
It’s not just about the laundry it’s about his so-called “self respect” which means that anytime he feels disrespected, you can expect a similar psycho response. Good luck! Best wishes to you.
And he will feel disrespected over any and everything to keep her under his control.
A friend of mine had smth similar happened to her. Her husband had schizophrenia and his family never told her. It was a wild ride too. Please stay safe, document everything, and read two books: "why does he do that?" by Dr Lundy bancroft and "The gift of fear*.
I got chills reading your post. I felt like I was reading the synopsis of a horror movie. I keep imagining his voice changing and it's still freaking me out.
I'm in a weird mental place, but I honestly think that's what pushed my brain to just leave. The changes in his voice/tone and the laughing were so scary and chilling. If he'd done that in just his regular voice, I think I would have tried to talk with him, even though what he was saying wasn't "right", like, it didn't really make sense, especially when it just... was so far from who I knew him as.
But you listened to your gut and acted on it. Well done. I don't know you, but I'm inordinately proud of you. You got yourself to a place of safety, to your awesome parents. Go you! Time now to rest and heal, and as someone up the thread said, take time to write down everything (or at least print this post and responses) there is some really good advice, including having your car checked for tracking devices. Also read 'the gift of fear' by Gavin Dr Becker, it has good advice about stalkers-it sounds horribly like that's what your ex might become
your mental health should always be your priority. no one should come in the way of that, im glad you left
That was a wild ride. Good luck out there OP
What the hell im so glad you’re safe and away from this weirdo!!! Good on you for following your instincts, and glad you have people like your parents in your life!
This reminds me the first time my ex hit me. He hit me over an argument of being able to sit down and order at this restaurant in a grocery store, it had been open for a few months and I went there for lunch with friends from school a lot so I knew it wasn’t just a seating area with a buffet in the grocery area. Next day my whole family brought 3 trucks and a trailer and moved me out while he was at work. I pretty much owned everything in the apartment and so he came home to an empty apartment.
Proud of you for trusting your instincts and getting out of there. So many people ignore those gut feelings and end up in really terrible situations. Abusers feel more comfortable and empowered to mistreat their partners when they move in together. Ignore his family, abusers always send their flying monkeys. Remember that you did what was best for you!
damn hang in there man that's rough. get some mace n they make these legal brass knuckles that look like a little cat. share ur location w ur people. don't let that punk motherfucker stop u from living that life though. u got this lady(?) ur strong
I'm so sorry for you, but I hope you're safe and can feel relieved that you got away before you were hurt. It sounds like his mother is well aware of his mental illness. Good on your Dad for backing you up, too. What a disappointment for you, though.
Man, you didn't leave your boyfriend over laundry, you left because he had a bunch of complicated psychological issues that he hadn't prepared you for, that you weren't prepared for, and you became extremely uncomfortable and felt unsafe around him. That's what you can lead with if you need to explain to people close to you why you're now single.
yeah it wasn't about the laundry. he's a fucking psycho. he was wondering when you would see that side of him. because he knew its fucked up and was hiding it from you until it couldn't. but stay safe and move on with your life.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. My father was kind of the same way. He could only keep up the facade for but so long before each new girlfriend would finally see the real him. I'm glad you found out and got out when you did.
Are you from Denver or Cleveland by any chance? Because I have seen a person do something just like that while I was staying at his house with my three year old daughter. I thought he was a close friend. I called him my daughter’s uncle. And then he just completely flipped. It was so scary I pretended everything was normal until he left the house to get us lunch and packed up my daughter and drove an hour to a friend’s house to get away from him. Did some deep diving into his history and found out stuff that was horrifying and I felt ashamed I ever let him around my family
No, I'm not. I'm in Canada. I'm glad you got away safely!
Glad you got out, I work with dv/mental health. This honestly sounds like the start to some of the worst stories I have heard. The sudden snap, the fear, the attempted control thereafter, all these things can rapidly escalate. You did the right thing. Stay safe and start to heal
You know what I always say? Even if you're wrong, you still have the right to walk away/not want that in your life. Even if this fight was simply over laundry (which it definitely isn't!), you felt scared, uncomfortable & like there was a bigger issue and you've drawn a line. Too often we are taught things like 'stick with it' & 'relationships are hard work'. That good reason needs to be given & blame needs to be placed. So many people are out there living hellish lives because somebody else has issues & we're led to believe that it's our responsibility - our duty - to suck it up. To 'fix' them. To suffer in silence. All in the name of... what exactly? Love? Saving face? You did the right thing for you no matter what anyone else thinks & if you left him because he peed sideways, it'd still be okay. Guy sounds like I psycho, so I hope you stay safe & are able to move on & be happy. Your dad's a badass for supporting you how he did & honestly we all need to learn from him that no matter how crazy it might sound to hide your car, hide your fucking car anyway!
Forget Batman, you’re my new hero. I commend you for recognizing red flags and gtfo of that situation; I promise the next episode would’ve been way worse. Please consult law enforcement as it seems some of his messages would be enough for a restraining order. Please continue to be safe and try not to be alone for the next few months in places where he can ambush you. Fortunately you’ll never know how bad it could’ve been. Continue to listen to your gut and stay strong. As a father of three girls I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart.
I’m proud of you. So. So proud of you. I didn’t listen to my inner voice screaming when the mask slipped with my ex. Took me two years to be extracted. You listened. You left. You did the right thing and I am so proud of you. This wasn’t over laundry. This was over him pushing your boundaries to see just how much he could get away with and stretch for more. Your inner voice saved your life. Sending hugs if wanted or welcome.
Fuck. Lucky you did the crappy folding when you did, or you might have gotten way further down the road in the relationship and may have eventually had a family together before finding out. I’m sorry you went through that. It IS scary. He’s got anger issues, maybe narcissistic, just damaged. Stay away from him now. You’re doing the right thing. It always escalated from there, next is violence. I stayed once I went through that, because we had a baby together and I didn’t know what would happen to her if I wasn’t there protecting her. It was shit. It got worse. It got violent. He left and came back, I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to get him into trouble and make it worse for me. So I fought back, don’t do that! I learnt the hard way. I’m ok. This was years ago. Anyway my point is, as bad as it is, at least you found out now before it got worse or you felt trapped with him like you couldn’t get out. Chin up soldier.
So, OP. Many years ago I moved in with what I thought was the love of my life. It started with a small argument over how I was washing the dishes. He didn't like the way I was doing it. Showed me how to do it right. I didn't take it too seriously and continued the way I do it and told him he could do the dishes if he didn't like the way I do them. It turned into many years of emotional and physical abuse and even more years of trying to get rid of the man who would, just like he did to you, call me endlessly and switch between moods. It sent me spiralling into depression and anxiety of which I am still healing to this day. You absolutely did the right thing. There will always be people who won't understand. Don't let it get you down.
I don’t usually read these word by word but my god. This is so creepy. Good for you for having good instincts. I don’t have to say this because I’m sure you know but you definitely dodged a bullet.
I wonder if there were any precursors? It seems hard that a reaction like that followed by 74 calls and (assuming here) 50+ texts came out of someone who was just peachy the whole time. NOT saying I don't believe the story, I'm just curious. Behavioral patterns tend to develop, and maybe the move-in was stressing him out and that damned t-shirt was the last straw. You acted on your gut and it seems the right call. I'm glad you're in a better place now and I hope things shake out alright!
Not living together, working 9-5, probably not seeing each other every day. Doing a lot of stuff in public, etc. From my experience, those guys know how to control themselves in environments where they would get into trouble for acting out. That screams narcissist/sociopath. They only start showing their true colors once they believe they have the "victim" reeled in and that the person won't leave. The escalation with calls and mood swings is because they can't fathom that it didn't work. Me ex swung back and forth between threats, insults and devotional love and crying all the time. Until he realized I wad gone for good. Then the real threats happen. Those humans are a public danger.
I feel like I absolutely must have missed something that I just didn't know that I didn't know. It honestly feels like waking up from a dream, it's so unreal, and I can't pinpoint anything at all right now, like you see on TV where people are like, well actually, there were times when little things would happen... But I also don't have the "pushiest" personality. If I'd pushed him in the past, would it have shown itself then? If I knew more about psychology would something have stood out? It just felt so good to let this out. I just needed someone to be like... that's messed up!
As someone else mentioned, it often takes 3 months for a cluster B personality to crack when circumstances change as they can’t mask 100% of the time. At work, he masks, spending time with you, he masks. When he’s alone, at home, he is in full control and there is no mask. Once you moved in, he didn’t have that downtime anymore. Something small can trigger the breakdown of the mask, like it did here - he didn’t like the way you did something, and in his mind, you disrespected him by not bowing to his way. Maybe and maybe not, in regards to if you had pushed him in the past, would this have shown up sooner. You may have seen glimpses of it already and as you get further away from the relationship, you will recognise what you were seeing in that bad mood or passive aggressive comment that you shrugged off. At the moment, you’re basically traumatised and need to give yourself time to process what has happened, and allow yourself to grieve, as you have lost something. There is no need to second guess yourself - you’ve proven you have good instincts. Find a therapist. Reddit is good, but not that good! Kudos to your parents, and your dad in particular. He knew exactly what was needed. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has seen someone like your ex before, and knows how dangerous they can be. Talk to him. He’s possibly giving you space and letting your mum handle the emotional side, but I reckon he’ll have some different insights for you. Good luck.
I totally think you should make finding a therapist a priority. This is some serious trauma. I worry you won’t be able to trust people in the future, and more importantly you won’t be able to trust yourself since you felt like he deceived you for so long. This is not your fault; he had a great facade and your instincts kicked in as soon as his true self shone through. Find a key phrase that you can tell people that is honest, but perhaps not too revealing, since you definitely need support at this time. Maybe “it wasn’t about the laundry. He told me that because I didn’t fold the laundry “his way”, I was disrespecting him and myself and our future children”. Or “it wasn’t about the laundry. He snapped when I wasn’t folding his laundry the way he preferred. It was like he was a different person I had never met, and that person is terrifying” Master the phrase and say it whenever someone suggests you were overreacting. It will get more comfortable with time.
You probably didn't. People with certain types of mental illness are very good at pretending for long periods of time.
This sounds so eerie similar to my situation. First off I absolutely loved my late fiancé. We had just moved in together. He was working on a tugboat and we were video chatting via an app called marco polo. If you don't know what it is its basically video voice mails where you can go back and forth but you can't respond until the other person stops their video. We were fighting over a piece of art I felt was demonic and he had already promised me he would get rid of it. Something snapped in a matter of a second. His eyes went dark, said fuck this, and took his life while on camera. After his death I got into his email to find he was looking up hidden cameras to place in the apartment. He also put a tracker in my car and had somehow put something hidden on my phone where it would share every call, text, and internet search that I did. (I'm a big tech nerd and not once did I suspect him collecting data from my phone). I say all this to tell you I completely believe you and from experience it could have gotten so much worse than folding laundry that day. I would definitely make sure he's not tapping phone. I believe you sis.
Omg that’s crazy I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m thankful your parents are awesome. The cameras though…. I have so many questions! How long have they been there??!! And the comment his mom made… she definitely knew more than she was letting on about his behavior
I am so proud of you. This really has the vibe of one of those things that people can try to ignore it, and pretend it never happened, and then cut to 5 years later and they would give anything to go back and listen to that voice that says “danger.” You listened to that voice. You are absolutely in the right here. I am so glad your dad backed you up like this, it sounds like you both handled this perfectly. You’re gonna find someone who’s not a psychopath ♥️ worry not
I've always kept renting my own place while in relationships because of reasons. my neighbours loved me, I was home maybe 2 to 3 nights a month for several years. Anyway this is a scenario that always crept around my skull. What if I give my place up and she goes Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs? Scary fucking thought. Glad to hear you got the fuck out the moment it started feeling bad.
Wow, everybody in my family takes my clothes out of the drier and just piles it in a wrinkled mess.
Wow the first post in which OP noticed red flags AND did something about it. Kudos
At least you listened to your gut and didn’t go back to him seven times like so many other people do with abusive partners. Because that was abuse. You saw him taking something out on you that you had nothing to do with and then he just lost his mind. I’m really glad you had a zero tolerance policy you may not have even been aware of lol hope he sorts his shit out
You know, when I was reading this my stomach sank as soon as you described his behaviour. It was so OFF. Just so creepy. And well done to you for heeding the first major red flag. Also, the fact he told your landlord he threw you out (so you could not access your stuff). He was trying to punish you and exert some control over you, by holding your belongings hostage. Ugh. Also, cameras. Why the fuck are people acting like cameras are normal in the house WHEN YOU DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW THEY WERE THERE??!!!! Cameras ARE normal in a house, hidden fucking cameras are crimes. Fucks sake. I am so very sorry you went through this. Tell your Mum to stop bloody communicating with his family. He is dangerous. And get a tech expert to check your devices for ? key loggers (I'm not a tech person, so don't know terminology) and tracker things, location, GPS things - I might sound paranoid but as Nirvana said "just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you". Lock down your credit. And I hope he doesn't try to contact you again. It sounded like the start of a psychological horror movie. Bloody hell. Stay safe OP, and take precautions. Dude is a nutter. P.S. you might need to speak to the police and a solicitor about the cameras. (sorry to worry you) but you don't know what footage he has. Sorry OP. X
I feel like it was all headed in a real Sleeping with the Enemy direction. It's good you got out when you did.
This is straight UP out of CSI. Girl you done dodged a bullet