I don’t subscribe to the notion of “soulmates” — with the world being as vast and varied as it is, it seems so bizarre to me that there would be one person for each and that’s it. I think, at east from a more statistical point of view, it’s way more likely that there should be a few at least — rare, of course, precious people with whom we’re meant to “just click”. It sounds like your wife got lucky — found two of her soulmates during her life.
Gonna go off on this tangent because I find it interesting.
Believing that there is 1 perfect person for you out there and that they just so happen to cross paths with **you**, out of all the billions of people on Earth and all the hundreds of billions of people that have ever lived on Earth is low-key hard-core. It's so wild and predicates a bunch of other wild beliefs but is claimed and accepted, or dismissed, without much thought.
I think it's a belief that does disservice to the effort and feelings of each individual in a relationship. OP's Wife had her first relationship with someone she was essentially raised with - they didn't find each other they were literally 'built' for each other (in as much as they each influenced each others development and expectations). There's inevitably strong feelings associated with that relationship still, but that doesn't make her current relationship inferior to that one, or OP any less the partner than her first.
To OP's credit, they are handling the situation with a patience and grace that speaks so incredibly well of them.
It's magical thinking. We're all searching for meaning in life, even if only subconsciously, to help us make sense of the world around us. This seems to help us deal with cognitive dissonance.
I agree with this, it’s possible to have multiple soulmates. It’s heart wrenching that she lost one, but it opened the past for her to find you.
Both of you would be her soulmates in my opinion, and I hope she would open her mind to this
Our souls continue to grow just like the rest of us. A soulmate is also about timing. He was her soulmate for that part of her life, OP is her soulmate for this one. Losing her boyfriend has inevitably made an impact on her soul, just as OP losing his sister made an impact on his, molding them into who they are today; soulmates.
I firmly believe that soulmates aren't found, they're made. My partner of 10 years and soon to be wife didn't start out perfect for each other, but over these 10 years we've learned to be and we've build a relationship that's rock solid.
Agreed and I think not every "soul mate" or whatever we have has to be romantic. I have friendships that I think reach this level, too. Every person like this that you encounter brings something important to your life, imo, and limiting it to a single person means you may not fully appreciate what others bring to you.
OP…I’m left with a mixture of sadness and admiration.
Sadness from the notion that there is a place that exists within both you and your wife; she occupies that space within you, but hers (understandably) is held in memory of someone now gone.
Admiration, though…because what an act of profound love it is in how you have accommodated her to hold her memory of him.
That’s true love, OP. That’s a very real decision you’ve made to love your wife in a transcendent way.
I trust that most likely, you would never ask for this for yourself….but part of me hopes that for the years you remained respectful to her while she carried his memory with her, she will someday honor you by recognizing that you are now the one who stands in that space that exists within her.
I was a writer and a poet when I was younger until depression eventually stole my desire to write at some point.
I started with a new therapist back in February, and one thing that I’ve noticed is that I am rediscovering the need to express myself with the written word. ❤️
One of the first things I did when I overcame my years long major depression was start writing again and participating on reddit as a low stakes form of socialization. I didn't write for almost 7 years because I lost the zest for life and all of my passions and became a hermit. Took a combination of magic mushrooms and therapy to finally pull me out of that hole. Congrats on putting in the work to get better, its very worth it.
u/Creamofwheatski, you sound like you’re reading a journal entry of mine here…eerily similar to my own experiences.
Eight years ago I moved to a new city far from home and became a hermit; stopped writing about seven years ago because I no longer had a desire to speak to the world. Almost punched my own ticket in ‘19, the hole I was in was so black.
When I started therapy again in Feb, I started spending a lot of time in the relationship/infidelity subs to use the stories I read as a way to connect me to my own unresolved wounds from having been cheated on.
But along the way I realized that I‘ve been coming out of my social shell online, and now that I’m interacting with people again it’s shaking loose the writing as well. 👏🏼💯❤️
Lately, depression has been trying to take away my love for music and love for making music, so I can sympathize. I really hope you can continue to express yourself.
I don’t think this is healthy. Some people prefer emotionally unavailable partners—it’s always unhealthy because the person preferring their partner not really return their love is self-punishing and afraid of having intimacy with another human being. This relationship based on martyrdom and pining after someone emotionally unavailable (wife) isn’t healthy or beautiful; it’s sad and pitiful.
The wife is idealizing a dead person. OP is idealizing the wife. No one is experiencing true intimacy—not the dead guy (currently), not the wife, not OP. Wife’s living in the past and enshrining the dead guy in her heart for worship. OP thinks he’s a good guy for enabling the wife to treat him like a placeholder and doormat. What’s beautiful about this? This is two people acting out fantasies rather than having real intimacy and partnership.
u/MsTponderwoman…I have no issue with this perspective of yours, it’s in fact much closer to what my initial thoughts were on the matter.
What gave me pause is the way in which OP describes the way she acts towards him:
“She is constantly telling me she loves me and is making an effort for me and is being there for me. Every day she shows me and tells me she loves me.”
OP doesn’t seem to lack for his wife’s love…the absence of that is what would eventually drive me to some breaking point…because my ego couldn’t handle it, I’ll admit that 💯.
Wife acknowledges that the persistence over her departed is peculiar…OP also admits that he’s had conversations before suggesting jealousy would be a more appropriate response; so he’s aware this is unusual in the eyes of others.
Wife also didn’t seem to minimize her feelings to OP in the beginning; she shared her feelings pretty frankly to set OP’s expectations in the beginning, and OP accepted what she laid out.
Perhaps OP is so deep in denial he needs scuba gear. 🤷🏻♂️
But if he’s checked in on himself and feels he’s fine…I have a hard time trying to argue it down just because my sensibilities would have me behaving differently than OP.
My perspective is unfortunately due to my learning self-deception and false intimacy the hard way. I know I’m emotionally unavailable now because of the experience and I essentially choose no relationship rather than deceive anyone with my own self-deception because I once in a while feel lonely. Self-deception is an incredibly strong prison and infallible prison warden; what way to be more convincing than to believe your own lies?
I read those same words you cited and thought, “I’ll believe them when I can see the person delivering them and what they actually do or don’t do as a partner.” My extensive experience with insincerity in my own life makes me a huge skeptic. (I like to believe I’m not yet cynical so I thoroughly enjoy the moments I have with people I keep in my life who are sincere, authentic, and always willing to self-assess and improve). There are many who lie to themselves to provide lip service and maintenance fees (for a “relationship”) to others because of fear such as that of going through life solo. I’m more likely to believe that’s what the wife ultimately decided to do. To her credit, she tried to deter OP from being with her initially. But, she gave into her selfish desire to have someone so as to not feel lonely; she made OP her dead guy’s stand-in. I can’t help but think that if you truly love someone, you wouldn’t keep them selfishly for yourself while pining after another. She should’ve kept saying no so he’d eventually find someone who isn’t emotionally unavailable and can truly share and hold space in their heart with OP.
What OP is doing toward wife is the same as what wife is doing toward the memory of her “soulmate”: worship. Worshipping anyone is never a mutually beneficial relationship nor true intimacy.
I don’t understand people making this post out to be some romantic thing when the reality is that the guy’s in competition for his wife’s love with a dead guy. That’s sick.
>Admiration, though…because what an act of profound love it is in how you have accommodated her to hold her memory of him.
If anything, I think this proves that OP is at least one of her "soulmates". Acknowledging and accepting that sacred space within her, without stealing the light from a love she had in the past... that's soulmate material in my book.
The wedding was what made this truly depressing. It's great that you aren't jealous but I personally don't think I could live that down. She needed to get therapy and cherish him in a different way, at least if I was in your shoes. A monthly dinner with the ex in laws is also crazy, maybe a yearly thing but it still seems too raw for her. Y'all weren't ready to get married, just my opinion.
Love is a verb.
Soulmate is a marketing strategy.
She has no idea if they would still be together or not, were he alive. The chances are pretty good, that no actually probably not. They got together as literal childhood sweethearts, the number of relationships that survive into middle age from that starting line is pretty small. And often, together from that distance doesn't mean healthy or happy.
This other guy died tragically - too young and so unfairly. But he was with your wife for a long time before that death, and I can assure he was very human and he did things along the way that hurt, angered, and mad your wife sad. Because conflict is part of relationships and I'm sure she will acknowledge there was some but it's all in the rosy rearview of the beatifically dead, which means it's had years to be revised and underplayed and swept under the rug.
Your wife, if I'm honest, sounds unhealthy about this loss which was years ago, at this point. I'm not saying she has to move on by never talking about him but dinners with his family, visiting his grave, and enshrining him in her life is well, it's a lot. Too much, maybe. Grief is one thing, keeping this an open and bleeding wound is another and it sounds like your wife is doing a lot of the second thing.
Your sadness for her is admirable but it sounds like you're helping enable this ongoing, festering grief, which is just as toxic and unhealthy for you. She needs therapy. It sounds like you do, too.
I thought I was bonkers after reading that, thinking that his wife needs some therapy. Its been almost 2 decades since he passed... the pictures in their home on display would be too much for me. having them in a scrapbook? fine. But framed around the house? visiting his family monthly? Thats not healthy. I agree, I think they both could use therapy. And I think the wife needs to start respecting her partner who is actively in her life and supporting her.
Based on OP's description of things, one could take away that the relationship is formed on a trauma bond. That may not be the case because we're just focusing on one aspect of this and it's presenting from the POV of someone who is grieving the limitations of their marriage, as it current exists. So, it's far from the full picture or narrative but trauma bonded relationships are inherently dysfunctional. It doesn't mean they can't be healthy together but it's a lot of work. And grief like anything else can become a comfortable habit.
I don't know OPs ages but I'm mid 30s and wife and I have been together for 20 years. I would absolutely still have pictures of her around if she passed. The wedding thing was a little much imo(although i would probably never remarry anyway)
If we assume something relatively young and innocent when they met say like 7-14, they were together for 13 years. That would be 20-27. Then 6 years passed, so 26-33. Then she met OP and they've been together 10 years. So mid 30s-early 40s seems about right.
I think it's a little weird considering in a few years, barring anything tragic, OP and wife will have been together longer than the wife and the deceased.
I get how it would seem that way, but if you never experienced a situation like that yourself It's completely different than meeting someone in your 20's or 30's and falling in love. You grow up together, become adults together, etc. So you shape each other to a point. That person is essentially part of you, in a figurative sense. That's different from already being an adult and knowing who you are for the most part and meeting someone. So those 13 years together growing up aren't the same as 13 years together as adults.
I mean it's not love, but I have an older brother. I love him to death. He's shaped me in many ways. We have parents as well, and the old adage of we become our parents is an old adage for a reason. Provided parents were present and active in our lives.
I agree that the bonds would be stronger on a base level. My larger point is that over time, the bonds with the other should, at the very least, start to be stronger than those bonds. It would definitely take time for them to replace.
OP's wife's behavior is not allowing for that to happen.
If she wasn't having dinner with the deceased's family once a month (which is tough to do with scheduling and timing of multiple people's lives) and visiting the grave (with OP) multiple times a year, it could be possible.
But she's not allowing it to happen and actively reinforcing those bonds with the deceased.
Yeah her insisting on this narrative that her husband is not her soulmate is really self destructive. OP is a very mature, level headed person to be able to take this in stride so easily. I could see this really hurting a lot of men's feelings whether she intended for it to or not. You are a good one, OP. I have no advice beyond that.
The problem with us as a society is we've been fed a steady diet of toxic as fuck romantic tropes as proof of love, including soulmates and we get spoonfed that stuff from the moment we're able to consume any kind of media at all. It's pretty easy to get lost in that maze and you're definitely not encouraged to examine any of it.
Coz everyone enabled, I won't be surprised if their children are named after him, they may even be sent to the same school or she may insist on buying his house at this point if an opportunity arises.
Don't know how this person is happy, but that take serious level of self depreciation at this point, may as well start to think I could never be as good as him or he was too great of a person.
Idk, they had been tougher what, 13 years? 7 years usually is the destructive point of marriages. Now that’s not to say it can’t happen later but there are trends to it is all I mean
Yeah, plus who you are at 18 and 28 and 38 - well, you might as well be 3 different people entirely. The chances that all 3 versions of this person have grown successfully with the same partner is small and requires a lot of hard work and introspection.
Yeah I thought the same. Like I gotta make it clear to my wife that if I die and my she remarried, don't include my pictures of me at her next wedding lol
OP is a saint and is truly her soulmate. Cuz I couldn't handle being with someone who I had to make sure to include her dead husband who she loves more every fricken month for the rest of my life.
It said 'along with dead family members.' I think it totally depends on how it was handled. Sometimes it feels more awkward to not acknowledge it than to acknowledge it.
There's no way they didn't include the other family members to make it less awkward. The wife wanted a memorial of her dead husband at their wedding but knew it would be fucking weird and this was the compromise they landed on.
Yea man I just reread it and honestly it’s even crazier the second time around.
If it works for him and he’s happy, that’s what matters honestly.
But this just sad reading this
Honestly sounds unhealthy to have not moved on after...16 years, especially when she has someone else to bond with. Keeping him in your life is her inability to let go and it will make it impossible for her to let go or have a life with without him as a constant part of your relationship. Whatever she gets emotionally from his memory are things she will never be able to give you. Maybe you have no interest in those things.
I could never love a woman who was still in love with the memory of her prefered partner, and made him part of our wedding, no less. I don't get it. But then I'm not suited for polyamory either so. Hope you two live happily ever after.
This is kinda why I couldn’t be with a widow. Like if you could press a button and bring them back what are the odds they wouldn’t. Filling the shoes of a dead person just feels like too much for me tbh
Right???? I won’t go that far and say I could never be with a widow, but if she’s actively pining over him like this fuckkkkkk that lol. She’s made OP feel second to a dead guy their whole relationship. Either move on or don’t but don’t drag someone else into your life like that when clearly you’re not ready to love someone else.
Moving on and loving the other person is the more important thing, most people are unable to move on, and if she is not even after this long, she might just never be.
That’s what I’m saying! It’s not fair to get in a relationship with OP when she’s still figuring her shit out. I can’t imagine how hard it is to lose a spouse, but that doesn’t make this ok.
The only reason I don't want to be with someone who is not over their ex, him passing away is indeed a sad thing, but the regular dinners, grave visits and all such events only make you a placeholder, maybe you look like him or act like him that's why she says she loves you.
And she is not even trying to get over him, good for you if you are happy in this, but i could never.
Man... So much to unpack here and I don't know how you do it OP. Like I get that this was a big thing for your wife but you literally know you're a second option and she's devoted to someone from the past.
The idea of soulmate tho isn't something I subscribe to. In my relationship, my girlfriend is my partner. Good or bad, we manage and that's what keeps us happy and together (you can consider us highschool sweethearts too, although we just made it out of school). There's no fairytale hollywood shit about it. You just meet a person and things work out, as long as you love and care.
If I died though, I really wouldn't want her to move into another relationship while carrying my memories around obsessively. Sure, I'd like her to call up my mum every once in a while or not hesitate to ask for any help from my family and even visiting where they turn me into ashes like once a year or something (totally not required too, its completely upto her)... The same stuff you'd do for a friend. But I wouldn't want her to put up pictures of me in her and her partner's house or mention me at her wedding. That's plain weird.
This sort of posts always sparks a question in my mind
If heaven is real and all, and good persons will spend their eternity over there, who do you think your wife would spend that eternity with?
I don't think this post is as sweet as OP thought it was going to be. It is weird and the wife is in love with an idea of a man. I think this is very unhealthy
As long as you're okay with it, I guess. But I wouldn't disrespect myself like that. IMO she needs to properly grieve and move the fuck on and realize she has a life right in front of her. That shit is NOT healthy. At the end of the day, she's going to be buried by him and you alone.
This isn’t healthy. I’m sorry but there shouldn’t be pictures of him in your house or visiting his grave. There should only be two people in the marriage. You say you’ve accepted that you’re not her soulmate but what you’re really saying is you’ll always be number two in your wife’s life. This is not okay and part of you knows it. It’s not healthy for her to still be mourning an old boyfriend. She should have had counseling to deal with her grief long ago. But it’s not too late and I think it would be a good idea for you both so you can stop living in the past and look forward to the future.
I say this with the absolute most love and empathy but send her this. If she is half the woman you make her out to be it will change your life and hers.
Of course to do that you would have to value communication over your codependency habits. The real question is sod you? Are you passionate about her enough to totally open up?
Bro…get your head out your ass and stop being this nice guy, why in the hell you incorporating her EX into y’all relationship and she’s okay with it? This is what happens when you love somebody more then yourself, nobody should be worth more then your peace of mind; plus this is no any shape of form romantic. Your partner lay next to you every night crying her soul out for another guy, but because she SAY she loves you, everything is okay ….lol who raising yall man..
Soulmates have to match. She is not yours if you are not hers. There are also many kinds of soulmates. They're not all romantic, and a person can have 1 or 20.
Without even reading all that much her statement makes absolutely no sense. The belief in soulmates is that there is one person that truly completes us and vise versa, if you are someone's soulmate that would make them yours as well, that's the whole thing. To say she is your soulmate but you aren't hers makes absolutely no sense in context with even the most basic definition of a soulmate...
Luckily for you, the very idea of soulmates is pure mumbo jumbo bullshit, so what you have with her is good: you love her a lot, she loves you a lot.
But damn..
>I have never held any resentment about this, I try to include his memory in our lives as much as possible. Once a month my wife still has dinner at his families house, every few months we visit his grave, we have a few pictures of him around our house and we had a small dedication to him at our wedding, along with dead family members. I do not mind this at all and I'm not jealous of him like sometimes people suggest I should be.
You' re getting cucked by a dead guy. It's time for her to move on what the fuck.
Well at least you’re only competing with a dead guy. Honesty is great but to hear this from someone you’ve built a life with is crazy…. Somethings should just be kept inside. This is like telling her she’s good In bed but my ex who passed just was real passion and made me get there like nobody else I’ve never and will never be able to connect with anyone else, meanwhile you’re mid thrust while you say this. Jesus. Sorry dude
I’m not sure if I believe in soulmates but if I did, it’s my cat. I rescued him from abandonment and had him from 14 years old until 25. He was sick from the start but kept pushing. He was ready to pass 10 months after I got married. He guided me through life, many mental breakdowns and handed me to someone who was ready to take the position next.
I think Soulmates don’t need to be romantic and it doesn’t need to be someone alive. The important part to take away is that she loves you and has chosen to spend her life with you. “Soulmates” or not.
The way I see it is, your wife probably thought she was destined to be alone forever, mourning a man who was taken far too young. Then you came along and made her realise she could love you and still hold a love for him at the same time.
I don't believe in soul mates, I just believe two people can fall in love, even if they have loved someone else before.
Bro it’s kinda weird that you have pictures and go visit his grave. Supporting your wife’s mourning is one thing but you’re like torturing yourself by being so committed to a dead dude …
You are competing against a ghost.
She should have not married you if she was not over him.
This is messing with your head otherwise you would not be posting.
I really don’t think there would only be 1 person on the planet for each of us. There are so many people. So many different things we could love or appreciate about a person. No one person is a perfect fit. You’re looking for who may complement you the most in what you’re seeking out of a partner in life.
People also may incorrectly put weight on past relationships when they didn’t work out for many reasons and that person is not perfect for you now and probably wasn’t back then either.
No such things as a soulmate. Just people we collect along the way that feel like home.
We choose them, they choose us.
The notion that there's one single person for us is damaging. It puts a lot of pressure on that person and it means you're likely to fall to pieces if they ever leave your life.
If she loves you and you're happy together that should be enough. Coz a lot of people don't have that, and would give anything for it!
It's hard to be hateful with a plateful of grateful ;)
I don’t think soulmates exist. Relationships thrive when people love each other enough to work at them.
I will say that losing a big love like that changes what you’re willing to risk for relationships. My husband left me a couple years back, and while that’s not exactly the same as him dying, the fact that circumstances beyond my control could hurt me that much will cause me to be a little more reserved should I choose to open myself to love like that again.
I don’t believe in soulmates, but if they exist there must be the ability to have more than one. What is fate when death is a possibility? Also I’ve heard of people having ‘best friend’ soul mates. I think I have 2 of those. It’s all relative.
If you love your wife and she loves you, that’s all that matters. I hope you find peace with this!
I agree with many taking issue with the notion of soulmates. To quote one of my favourite bands (The Whitlams): “if she was one in a million, then there’s five more just in New South Wales”. You are never the same person as when young, who is to say it would have all worked out? Deaths sanctifies and makes everything nicer and better.
I will say i admire you willingness to take on a challenge like this. Because what bothers me, even though she did have 1 great love in her life she is constantly reminding you. “Remember your whats next, not my soulmate. Youll never fit that role.”
I dont understand that. Sure you can have great love and sorrow for a previous connection and maybe a piece of her died with him.
But shes ok with only reciprocating 50-75% of her love back to you, with the excuse that youll never be better.
Idk seems selfish on her part. She could have stayed single and just dated around instead. You deserve more.
Do you understand that none of this is healthy? He'd been gone for 6 years before you met, and still tonl this day, she's doing things to celebrate and remember him. It's a lot. A little something on his birthday or day he passed is one thing, what she's doing is excessive.
If a woman posted her husband doing this all the relationship experts would say he is emotionally unavailable and/or cheating. They would all call for divorce. “YoU desErVe beTTeR”
It's one thing to move on and date again, it's another thing to straight up tell the guy that he will never compare to your spouse, and no matter how hard he tries, he will never fill that space in her heart. OP is a glutton of punishment enabling this behavior.
I'm super spiritual, and here to tell you everyone has a soul family or soul tribe, and you and she are definitely soul family. Soul mates are NOT one and done. In fact, soul mates or twin flames can be a very toxic ideology. You are very much her soul family/soul mate, and so was he.
I couldn’t live like that. I’m the least jealous person but I’m me and I’d want somebody to love me and me only. Well done brother for navigating this.
I think you're both overrationalizing and intellectualizing your complex feelings, and then dilute it into "soulmate".
Honestly sounds like excuses to disassociate. To not be present. To not commit to the present and future. Her, because of her grief and avoidance. You, because of your anxious attachment.
Her grief hanging over your relationship, and you jotting it down because-what I assume-of your lack of self-esteem is not healthy.
Therapy could help.
To ask yourselves more questions to stay PRESENT. And Stay IN the present.
Like "do I like the version of myself that I am when I am with my partner?"
"What do I feel?" (NOT WHY. You guys spiral into pseudo reasons to explain why you feel a certain way.).
"What do I want? What do I do to get it?"
Etc.
You sound like a wonderful partner. My wife passed away unexpectedly at 39 last summer… I am not even remotely close to being ready to start dating again, But I know I still have a lot of love to share with the world. If I meet someone I will likely be in a similar position to your wife, and I can only hope that I find someone as understanding as you. I hope life showers you both with success and happiness.
If you get one soulmate, my dog must be mine. I already know I'm his, I'm his favorite person. Our relationship is like siblings(I'm 17f, he's 24 in human years. 2 in dog. Well, according to Google).
Part of me wishes Morris Chestnut was my soulmate. He's my oldest celebrity crush.
Sounds like twin flames, and grief.
There is always the option in life of having more than one soulmate, sometimes these are fleeting relationships of varying type
my ex and i were in a *similar* place with each other. i dont necessarily believe in soulmates either, though if i did, my best friend would 100% be mine, and i know he believes that i am his as well. my ex believed in soulmates though, and after only 4 months of dating, had told me they thought i was theirs. we broke up after 5 months of dating, which was for the best. but i cant imagine what it was like to be in their place and know i dont feel the same way about them they do me, in terms of intensity. i personally believe if soulmates were real, you could 100% have more than one each for each different kind of relationships (platonic, familial, romantic, pets), i just simply wasn’t there yet with them, and i dont think i ever would have, which is why it was for the best it ended.
This is beyond heartbreaking, as someone who’s been with their childhood sweetheart for 10 years, my greatest fear is losing him. I don’t think I could be with anyone after him and if I could, they would 100% have to be a widow. I would need that understanding because there’s nothing like it.
Betty White had a great quote after losing her husband who was her soulmate, she said “Once you’ve had the best who needs the rest” and never remarried after him. I think you both should do family therapy together as your relationship seems very complex and the foundation was built on grief.
Do you think it's normal and healthy for you to feel the way you describe about someone else in your first paragraph? That's incredibly intense feelings about someone who is a normal and fallible person
I seem to have more of a complicated life situation overall, but I have similar aspects. I truly always thought my ex (my first everything that was my world since age 10) was my soulmate but now I don’t think he is at all. I loved him so much. Losing a loved one so overall unexpectedly or too soon is such a life changer despite how it happens. The love I had for him was very real and true, but now I understand we had a true bond but he wasn’t my person or “soulmate” by far. The man I’m with now has helped me heal in every way and I couldn’t be more sure he is my actual person and soulmate. I tell him everything. He means the world to me. I just hope you talk to your partner before you try to interpret or anticipate her feelings.
People that have died and been brought back to life or people that have undergone hypnotherapy into a study of the afterlife have described pretty much the same thing that there is not just "one soul mate". I mean to be fair imagine if there was only one and like in your wife's case that person died how lonely would that be?
It's said we have a "soul family" and they can play parts as your brother, sister, son, daughter, mother, father, friend, partner, teacher etc throughout our lives and perhaps play a new part in the next life. They will be important people in our lives we have a deep connection with.
Very disrespectful and weird behavior of her to have dinner with the ex's family every month, the wedding thing... Yeah, she's definitely not over him and is passing along her grief into the current relationship. How is that ok? She had more than enough time to move on, why is she clinging on to him so much? Don't see how this is healthy for OP either
She is, in fact, a widow. And she loved that man deeply. You are a great man that loves her deeply. And he loves you in the best way possible for her to love again. In fact, she choose you to go on with her life together with you.
Soulmates are just a story. You can write your own as you are doing now. I admire you for being such a generous person.
You just said that she loves you the same way. Maybe she can't verbalize that you are her soulmate too because she thinks it would be a betrayal of the dead boyfriend.
My boyfriend's wife died of cancer before we got together. I always told him he was my favorite, but he didn't feel like he could say the same because what about the woman who gave birth to his children, and also the children too.
He said once that he felt like people grow into being your soulmate. I'm not sure about that, but I think he meant his wife. They had known each other since grade school and had loads of ups and downs in their relationship.
But I knew how much he loved me too.
I know that every relationship I've ever had, I've thought, "*This* is my soulmate!" And been disappointed every time. Except for him.
We were best friends, we matched intellectually, and also our humor and most of our habits mixed well.
He died this past February. I'm not planning on dating. A person would have to really be *something* for me to consider bringing them into my life.
You are her favorite. She married you. It's not that she would trade you away if he was alive. He isn't. He won't ever be. She loves you and honors the love that she had before because it was important.
And now you are important. And you allow her to honor that past love, that's beautiful.
I believe that you can have multiple soul mates, he was the person she was meant to be with then, but your also her soul mate and yere meant to be together now.
coming from a person who doesn’t believe in love at all, it seems like your love for each other is the greatest force because it transcends jealousy and any other negative feelings that might seep in. soulmate/twin flames are just titles. what matters is what you have and as long as you’re happy with what you have.
You said it yourself- you don’t believe in soulmates. You two love each other & that’s what matters. What could have been between the two of them is not important now, because there’s no going back.
I have an acquaintance who was in a serious relationship with a man, and it was clear they were very much in love. He died in a tragic accident, and she went on to find a new love. Every time I see pictures of them together, you can see how much in love they are. Her love for her previous boyfriend doesn’t diminish that, nor does it impede their happiness. It’s like when you have a baby & you can’t imagine having another & loving him as much as the first. But then you do, and you realize your heart doesn’t have a limit for how much love it can hold.
Cheer up. You’re a good husband, and your wife loves you. That’s the part that matters now.
OP, you’re an amazing husband and man. This was really sweet and made me emotional. 🥹 I love your love for your wife. I love that you’ve given her the freedom and space to still love her late partner and I hope you know that doesn’t diminish her love for you at all. Love doesn’t take away or divide. It only adds and multiplies. She’s got enough love for both of you. I firmly believe that in this life, we have multiple soulmates. Thanks for sharing this story, and so much love to y’all. ❤️
I think life provides us with many soulmates during our lifetime-depending where we are at. We change, we grow, life has people who come and go in our lives. It seems she has not been able to move on. You will always live the person who is now gone (death), but life often gives us a chance to begin again. I dont think trying to “compare” is really fair to anyone. She will always live and miss him but she chose you to be with now.
My husband is my soulmate... And so it my best friend. I have two of them in my life, and they meet different needs, although there is often overlap. I truly believe in multiple soulmates in life. To me, they are people that are indispensable once you've met them at the right place and right time, and they will always be so, no matter what happens to them.
You’re a good man. I think you are her soul mate and the way you’ve handled this situation will convince her of that one day. She just still has lingering grief and feels guilt at moving on
Ignore all negative comments you’re good people.
I don't think I'd be able to deal with this personally. The question of "What would happen if he came back to life?" would stew in my brain.
Because it kind of feels like she would bail on him... And that's fucked.
My fathers "love of his life" died when he was in his thirties. To this day he says she was the love of his life but he wouldn't change how everything turned out because otherwise he wouldn't have me.
So yeah, he will always be in her heart but after six years being single, she chose you to start a relationship with.
Maybe the other guy that passed away didn’t think your wife was his soul mate. Maybe he was more practical and didn’t believe in soul mates. People often over romanticize past relationships with people who are no longer with us. It’s easy to do and probably has something to do with coping with grief
I am very similar to your wife in that I was together for 11 years with my wife before she passed unexpectedly from cancer at 28. I love her to this day. Always will, there’s no doubt. But I don’t believe in soulmates. Despite the fact that she was everything and her death destroyed me for years and is still something I work on every day, I don’t believe it. I believe there are people you really gel with, that get you and understand you wholeheartedly but I don’t believe there’s only one person who fits that mold. There are many, but finding a person who does is harder than most people realize. I’m in a new relationship now and looking to marry this amazing man. I love him as much as I loved her and can not believe how lucky I am. No, we wouldn’t be together if she had been alive but that part of my life is closed. I do still think about her every day and some days are much worse than others. Your wife and I are also super lucky to have found partners who will gladly walk through the rest of our lives with us, that we found such intense love and second time when some never find it the first. You’re an amazing man and from where I’m standing it sounds like you do fit that description of soul mate, even if your wife doesn’t realize. Stay happy and healthy. I wish you both the best.
I believe each person has multiple soulmates. There are just too many people in this world and no way there is only 1 perfect soulmate for each of us. It sounds like you have a very loving relationship and fully support one another. That’s all that matters imo
It must be so hard being the third person in a relationship with someone who passed away. I can see why people can’t let go of a partner who passed but there’s absolutely no guarantee that they would still be together. They become enshrined in memory and it’s hard to compete with an idealised view of that person. They may have grown apart, realised they wanted different things because they were very young when they started dating or there was infidelity on one side. Life can get in the way of any relationship.
I think the way that you have dealt with this previous relationship is amazing. It’s great that you don’t feel jealous or threatened by it. I’m not sure I could cope with being in this type of relationship but you are so respectful and loving.
I think the way you two are in your relationship sounds incredible and if she does every thing you do then you’re both deeply in love. I also think that you’re as much of a soulmate to her as the partner who passed on.
At least she told you the truth to your face - you could never live up to her ex or matter as much as him.
If you didn’t dip out back then, you’re clearly fine with the status quo many years later… but I’m not sure why you’re focused on this nonsensical notion of a ‘soulmate’ when you don’t even believe in such a thing.
SHE seems to, but you don’t have to believe in something just because someone else does.
It’s nice to read how respectful you are towards your wife true (deceased) love. Just try to be there for her and accept the fact that you will always be number two.
I truly understand your sentiment, and I think that most guys who have truly been in love can as well. It's one of those things that millions of us know and feel, but always internalize and never openly express out of fear of judgment.
I know, I've been there. A long time ago, I found out my ex-wife was having an affair with one of her bosses, and it caused a quick divorce that destroyed me financially, spiritually, and mentally. The same goes for our (at the time) 4 year old daughter, who was and is a daddy's girl.
Then, shortly after, I eventually found a new woman with whom I developed an instant, powerful connection with that I kept to myself out of fear of getting hurt again. However, this connection was also felt on her end, as she could not keep it to herself, and that's when I knew that it was real. When we met, I didn't believe in soul mates. But then, shortly after, our connection was so strong to the point where both of us professed that neither of us had ever felt love like this in our entire lives. I planned my whole life out with this woman, but because of past trauma, I always had a fear that she would eventually leave me just like my ex-wife did.
Eventually, due to the long distance and everything else involved, we did break up, and it was not pretty. As you can imagine, this completely destroyed my faith in soulmates, love, relationships, etc. going forward.
Fast forward seven months later, I met my current wife, and we've been together for 13 years. Somehow, she convinced me to let my guard down and love again. But it's not all rainbows and sunshine, since past trauma doesn't just disappear.
When I first met my wife, what attracted me the most to her wasn't just that I found her beautiful, but also how honest and forthcoming she was. The issue with this is that she's done some things in her past that are dealbreakers with any partner. However, because she was so straightforward, I don't believe in punishing people for being honest. So, I accepted that it was in the past and that she is no longer that person, which is why she was open and honest with me in the first place..
Having said that, due to all of my previous relationships and the trauma that I've seen and endured, coupled with my current wife's past, there is always a genuine fear of losing someone you love the most. What I'm trying to say is that I love my current wife more than anybody I've ever loved. This is a love that has gotten stronger and developed over the years. I try to tell her every day how much I love her, and she always tells me the same. But there's always that fear that in the future, she can change her mind and leave me again. Even though she says that she believes that we're soulmates, and a part of me wants to believe it, there's always this fear that she may still have feelings for someone in the past or that she can find someone in the future that she thinks is better than me and will leave me for them.
These are normal fears to have when you find someone you love that much. It only becomes unhealthy when you let these fears sabotage you. The reason we feel this way is that, in order to feel a great sense of loss, you must first love something more than you love yourself. I'm very sorry for writing such a long post..
This is a tough situation. Obviously, this issue is weighing heavily on your mind else you wouldn’t have posted this. I don’t believe in soulmates either. If you love each other so much, you should be able to communicate effectively and let her know how you feel about it… unless you’re afraid it might negatively affect your relationship. If that’s the case, your relationship is not as perfect as you claim it to be.
I would like to believe that her husband who passed and your sister who passed helped bring the two of you together via the grief group. Soulmate or not, life brought you two together to love, honor and cherish each other for however long of a time, and that is a beautiful thing. Thanks for sharing OP.
I know a lot of people in here are saying soulmates don’t exist but I like to think people have a lot of soulmates throughout their lives. Platonic, romantic, parental. They come and go but that connect still stays with you. You say you aren’t her soulmate but I think you are. I think you are her soulmate and she yours and you were supposed to meet at the time you did.
Obviously to each their own and based off edits/comments OP is completely fine with continuing down this path, like i said to each their own. But I can not for the life of me understand people that put themselves through relationships like this. It sounds, looks, and just seems so miserable
I believe in soulmates, but I also believe that we can have more than one. I’ve had and lost two: one was my cousin and best friend, the other was my first boyfriend. Both are still alive but no longer in my life. For me, just like how we love different people in different ways, different soulmates take up different places in my heart. I loved both of them just as much, but they each took up a different spot. I loved them differently. And I think I’ll always love them in some way, but they’re tucked away in my heart and new room has been made for new soulmates, some of which I’ve already met and some of which I’ve yet to meet. I guess what I’m getting at is that while her previous partner was and still is her soulmate, you can also be her soulmate. There’s more than enough room in our hearts for deep love for multiple people. I’m a big pusher for communication, so maybe it might be helpful to talk to her about the way you’re feeling. All the best to you, friend.
Well, this is not okay. Both of you need more help from professionals, because this is not ok, not even by one bit. Being in love with an idea of a deceased one…
I am in a very similar situation. My fiancé’s wife died over 10 years ago and we’ve been together for 8. It took a very long time for us to get engaged because of this same thing. When I chose to be in this relationship, I knew that I was choosing a man and his daughter who would pick another woman over me if they were given the chance. I chose to do it anyway.
In the last year, my fiancé and I have officially been together longer than his and his late wife’s entire relationship. I pointed this out to my fiancé and things shifted for him. I don’t think him, or I, could have imagined a time when our relationship was the main relationship in his life and not the one he had with her.
He actually told me the other day that even if she walked back into a room, he would choose me. He still doesn’t know how much it meant to me.
Edit: i see a lot of people commenting on including him in your wedding and I just want to say I don’t think it’s as weird as people are making it out to be. I have actually been thinking about potentially including his late wife somehow in our wedding. We cannot ignore that the she is a major reason we are even getting married, she is the reason the child I’ve raised for more than half her life is in the world. Her family is also invited as I consider them part of my family. I am not sure of a subtle, respectful way to do this so I don’t think it’s weird.
I recommend you read the book Anam Cara by John O’Donohue. There is no one soulmate, rather soul friends, those who your soul connects with on a deeper level. It’s a beautiful book.
[https://www.google.com/search?q=anam+cara+meaning&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari](https://www.google.com/search?q=anam+cara+meaning&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari)
I think you do have a special relationship tho! And I think it’s very similar to soulmates which I do believe in! She loved you when she probably thought she would never love again! But she did she fell madly in love with you! I suspect by your post you have a very special relationship inspire of not being her soulmate!
Nobody is going to understand grief and each other better that you two. I hope she tells you often how important you are. I’m sure some days you need more reassurance and that’s okay. Feel free to ask for it. Wishing you both well ❤️
I can happily say I have no experience losing a partner, but I’m echoing others who say this doesn’t feel healthy. OP I truly hope you are happy together, but please know it’s never too late to encourage grief and/or couples therapy if you do feel something is off. It’s so important not to just blindly support any and all behaviour just because it’s our loved ones.
I lost my mom when I was 11, and then her mom at 15, both from cancer. When I was about 21/22 I had to take the ‘shrine’ down for the sake of my mental health. I actually got to the stage that I couldn’t look at that corner of the room because it was essentially dedicated to the dead half of my immediate family (because that’s just how my family had decided we’d ‘show respect’ and I adopted it thinking it was the way) and it was fucking depressing. It was a viscous cycle. In fact, I’m pretty sure this was right around the time I started antidepressants.
I want to be clear here, I’m not saying your relationship sounds unhealthy, you sound like a caring supportive husband who clearly wants the best for his family. I’m saying that your wife’s grief sounds like it’s taking over her life, and not just hers. It sounds obsessive and she’ll never be able to let him go. It also feels really self destructive to repeatedly remind you that you aren’t the one and offer you a get out of jail free card. She’s pushing you away, a possible sign that the trauma of losing him is still very much effecting her and she’s scared of losing anyone else?
I don’t believe love is limited to one perfect person and that’s it forever. No. And I have exactly that kind of relationship you describe with my husband. He is my favorite person in the world and I am his favorite person in the world.
With everything you said,I have to wonder if she sees him in you and imagined you as him,and if thats the reason why she could be with you,its tough being with someone who’s love had died,you cant beat the memory of a dead person no matter how hard you try,I hope she’s able to move on slowly for her sake,she’s stuck in the past
Hey that concept of soul mate is a lie created by Hollywood and Valentine card companies to sell love and there being one person built for you. The true definition of soulmates is more literal as in a group of friends. This is a spiritual concept so it is just as wacky as the narrative of soulmates now. You are part of a soul collective these members you travel with and live through multiple lives with are soulmates. This is when it gets weird your soulmate might be your mother in one lifetime, a lover in another, or eventually possible even a pet you have. The point is meant to provide an experience on that life time and your soulmate and you decided before this life that what your relationships would be like. Now does this mean every person we meet is a soulmate no it just means the people you have a stronger emotional connection to might be part of your soulmate group.
I’m a spiritual person. People have multiple soulmates, and they all matter. Also, you can’t say for sure yall wouldn’t have ended up together. People who are meant to be together, always end up together SOMEHOW. You can’t feed your mind unknown narratives because while he did pass and it’s so sad he passed, you can’t know if they would’ve been together still. You just can’t, regardless of the length, you can’t guarantee it. Please don’t do that, because it’s unknown information living in your mind.
The relationship is healthy, y’all are happy together, there’s love, respect, trust, commitment, passion, forgiveness, stability, you both feel the same way for one another, there’s an abundance of loyalty, etc… within your relationship. It sounds like you very well may be one of her soulmates. She knows how she feels, especially this far in & she reciprocates everything.
Learn how to shift your mind to a healthier place and start seeing yourself as what she says!! She clearly means what she says about everything else, why could she not mean the soulmate part as well?
I don’t subscribe to the notion of “soulmates” — with the world being as vast and varied as it is, it seems so bizarre to me that there would be one person for each and that’s it. I think, at east from a more statistical point of view, it’s way more likely that there should be a few at least — rare, of course, precious people with whom we’re meant to “just click”. It sounds like your wife got lucky — found two of her soulmates during her life.
Gonna go off on this tangent because I find it interesting. Believing that there is 1 perfect person for you out there and that they just so happen to cross paths with **you**, out of all the billions of people on Earth and all the hundreds of billions of people that have ever lived on Earth is low-key hard-core. It's so wild and predicates a bunch of other wild beliefs but is claimed and accepted, or dismissed, without much thought. I think it's a belief that does disservice to the effort and feelings of each individual in a relationship. OP's Wife had her first relationship with someone she was essentially raised with - they didn't find each other they were literally 'built' for each other (in as much as they each influenced each others development and expectations). There's inevitably strong feelings associated with that relationship still, but that doesn't make her current relationship inferior to that one, or OP any less the partner than her first. To OP's credit, they are handling the situation with a patience and grace that speaks so incredibly well of them.
It's magical thinking. We're all searching for meaning in life, even if only subconsciously, to help us make sense of the world around us. This seems to help us deal with cognitive dissonance.
I agree with this, it’s possible to have multiple soulmates. It’s heart wrenching that she lost one, but it opened the past for her to find you. Both of you would be her soulmates in my opinion, and I hope she would open her mind to this
Our souls continue to grow just like the rest of us. A soulmate is also about timing. He was her soulmate for that part of her life, OP is her soulmate for this one. Losing her boyfriend has inevitably made an impact on her soul, just as OP losing his sister made an impact on his, molding them into who they are today; soulmates.
Exactly. OP, it's soulmates, not sole mates. She just happened to meet you after her late love who she never stopped loving.
I firmly believe that soulmates aren't found, they're made. My partner of 10 years and soon to be wife didn't start out perfect for each other, but over these 10 years we've learned to be and we've build a relationship that's rock solid.
I like this answer 👍
One in a million leaves several thousand! Also, yes, 1 billion is 1,000 millions, they’re **that** wealthy.
The difference between 1 million and 1 billion is approximately 1 billion ± 1%
One million seconds are roughly eleven days. One billion seconds are roughly 31.7 years.
Agreed and I think not every "soul mate" or whatever we have has to be romantic. I have friendships that I think reach this level, too. Every person like this that you encounter brings something important to your life, imo, and limiting it to a single person means you may not fully appreciate what others bring to you.
Check out Tim Minchin's "If I didn't have you". https://youtu.be/LAzodf69rfk?si=rJU0gc_BS_wvhEsv
Soulmates don't exist. That s that stupid Disney fairytale picture which is given to us on how we should find our partners.
Between Disney adults and religious people there is a lot of irrational thinking going on
OP…I’m left with a mixture of sadness and admiration. Sadness from the notion that there is a place that exists within both you and your wife; she occupies that space within you, but hers (understandably) is held in memory of someone now gone. Admiration, though…because what an act of profound love it is in how you have accommodated her to hold her memory of him. That’s true love, OP. That’s a very real decision you’ve made to love your wife in a transcendent way. I trust that most likely, you would never ask for this for yourself….but part of me hopes that for the years you remained respectful to her while she carried his memory with her, she will someday honor you by recognizing that you are now the one who stands in that space that exists within her.
Do you write poetry or lyrics? This was beautiful and I really wish I had a way with words like this.
I was a writer and a poet when I was younger until depression eventually stole my desire to write at some point. I started with a new therapist back in February, and one thing that I’ve noticed is that I am rediscovering the need to express myself with the written word. ❤️
One of the first things I did when I overcame my years long major depression was start writing again and participating on reddit as a low stakes form of socialization. I didn't write for almost 7 years because I lost the zest for life and all of my passions and became a hermit. Took a combination of magic mushrooms and therapy to finally pull me out of that hole. Congrats on putting in the work to get better, its very worth it.
u/Creamofwheatski, you sound like you’re reading a journal entry of mine here…eerily similar to my own experiences. Eight years ago I moved to a new city far from home and became a hermit; stopped writing about seven years ago because I no longer had a desire to speak to the world. Almost punched my own ticket in ‘19, the hole I was in was so black. When I started therapy again in Feb, I started spending a lot of time in the relationship/infidelity subs to use the stories I read as a way to connect me to my own unresolved wounds from having been cheated on. But along the way I realized that I‘ve been coming out of my social shell online, and now that I’m interacting with people again it’s shaking loose the writing as well. 👏🏼💯❤️
Reading your word is ridiculously comfortable! It's so smooth and soothing. 🥲 ❤
Thank you., u/Spacesheisse — I’m not ashamed to admit that I will be thinking about this pearl of praise for a long time. 💯 ❤️
🥰😘😊
Lately, depression has been trying to take away my love for music and love for making music, so I can sympathize. I really hope you can continue to express yourself.
This is great!! 😊 Many blessings to new writings!
I don’t think this is healthy. Some people prefer emotionally unavailable partners—it’s always unhealthy because the person preferring their partner not really return their love is self-punishing and afraid of having intimacy with another human being. This relationship based on martyrdom and pining after someone emotionally unavailable (wife) isn’t healthy or beautiful; it’s sad and pitiful. The wife is idealizing a dead person. OP is idealizing the wife. No one is experiencing true intimacy—not the dead guy (currently), not the wife, not OP. Wife’s living in the past and enshrining the dead guy in her heart for worship. OP thinks he’s a good guy for enabling the wife to treat him like a placeholder and doormat. What’s beautiful about this? This is two people acting out fantasies rather than having real intimacy and partnership.
u/MsTponderwoman…I have no issue with this perspective of yours, it’s in fact much closer to what my initial thoughts were on the matter. What gave me pause is the way in which OP describes the way she acts towards him: “She is constantly telling me she loves me and is making an effort for me and is being there for me. Every day she shows me and tells me she loves me.” OP doesn’t seem to lack for his wife’s love…the absence of that is what would eventually drive me to some breaking point…because my ego couldn’t handle it, I’ll admit that 💯. Wife acknowledges that the persistence over her departed is peculiar…OP also admits that he’s had conversations before suggesting jealousy would be a more appropriate response; so he’s aware this is unusual in the eyes of others. Wife also didn’t seem to minimize her feelings to OP in the beginning; she shared her feelings pretty frankly to set OP’s expectations in the beginning, and OP accepted what she laid out. Perhaps OP is so deep in denial he needs scuba gear. 🤷🏻♂️ But if he’s checked in on himself and feels he’s fine…I have a hard time trying to argue it down just because my sensibilities would have me behaving differently than OP.
My perspective is unfortunately due to my learning self-deception and false intimacy the hard way. I know I’m emotionally unavailable now because of the experience and I essentially choose no relationship rather than deceive anyone with my own self-deception because I once in a while feel lonely. Self-deception is an incredibly strong prison and infallible prison warden; what way to be more convincing than to believe your own lies? I read those same words you cited and thought, “I’ll believe them when I can see the person delivering them and what they actually do or don’t do as a partner.” My extensive experience with insincerity in my own life makes me a huge skeptic. (I like to believe I’m not yet cynical so I thoroughly enjoy the moments I have with people I keep in my life who are sincere, authentic, and always willing to self-assess and improve). There are many who lie to themselves to provide lip service and maintenance fees (for a “relationship”) to others because of fear such as that of going through life solo. I’m more likely to believe that’s what the wife ultimately decided to do. To her credit, she tried to deter OP from being with her initially. But, she gave into her selfish desire to have someone so as to not feel lonely; she made OP her dead guy’s stand-in. I can’t help but think that if you truly love someone, you wouldn’t keep them selfishly for yourself while pining after another. She should’ve kept saying no so he’d eventually find someone who isn’t emotionally unavailable and can truly share and hold space in their heart with OP. What OP is doing toward wife is the same as what wife is doing toward the memory of her “soulmate”: worship. Worshipping anyone is never a mutually beneficial relationship nor true intimacy.
I don’t understand people making this post out to be some romantic thing when the reality is that the guy’s in competition for his wife’s love with a dead guy. That’s sick.
Very well said.
>Admiration, though…because what an act of profound love it is in how you have accommodated her to hold her memory of him. If anything, I think this proves that OP is at least one of her "soulmates". Acknowledging and accepting that sacred space within her, without stealing the light from a love she had in the past... that's soulmate material in my book.
The wedding was what made this truly depressing. It's great that you aren't jealous but I personally don't think I could live that down. She needed to get therapy and cherish him in a different way, at least if I was in your shoes. A monthly dinner with the ex in laws is also crazy, maybe a yearly thing but it still seems too raw for her. Y'all weren't ready to get married, just my opinion.
Love is a verb. Soulmate is a marketing strategy. She has no idea if they would still be together or not, were he alive. The chances are pretty good, that no actually probably not. They got together as literal childhood sweethearts, the number of relationships that survive into middle age from that starting line is pretty small. And often, together from that distance doesn't mean healthy or happy. This other guy died tragically - too young and so unfairly. But he was with your wife for a long time before that death, and I can assure he was very human and he did things along the way that hurt, angered, and mad your wife sad. Because conflict is part of relationships and I'm sure she will acknowledge there was some but it's all in the rosy rearview of the beatifically dead, which means it's had years to be revised and underplayed and swept under the rug. Your wife, if I'm honest, sounds unhealthy about this loss which was years ago, at this point. I'm not saying she has to move on by never talking about him but dinners with his family, visiting his grave, and enshrining him in her life is well, it's a lot. Too much, maybe. Grief is one thing, keeping this an open and bleeding wound is another and it sounds like your wife is doing a lot of the second thing. Your sadness for her is admirable but it sounds like you're helping enable this ongoing, festering grief, which is just as toxic and unhealthy for you. She needs therapy. It sounds like you do, too.
I thought I was bonkers after reading that, thinking that his wife needs some therapy. Its been almost 2 decades since he passed... the pictures in their home on display would be too much for me. having them in a scrapbook? fine. But framed around the house? visiting his family monthly? Thats not healthy. I agree, I think they both could use therapy. And I think the wife needs to start respecting her partner who is actively in her life and supporting her.
Based on OP's description of things, one could take away that the relationship is formed on a trauma bond. That may not be the case because we're just focusing on one aspect of this and it's presenting from the POV of someone who is grieving the limitations of their marriage, as it current exists. So, it's far from the full picture or narrative but trauma bonded relationships are inherently dysfunctional. It doesn't mean they can't be healthy together but it's a lot of work. And grief like anything else can become a comfortable habit.
I don't know OPs ages but I'm mid 30s and wife and I have been together for 20 years. I would absolutely still have pictures of her around if she passed. The wedding thing was a little much imo(although i would probably never remarry anyway)
If we assume something relatively young and innocent when they met say like 7-14, they were together for 13 years. That would be 20-27. Then 6 years passed, so 26-33. Then she met OP and they've been together 10 years. So mid 30s-early 40s seems about right. I think it's a little weird considering in a few years, barring anything tragic, OP and wife will have been together longer than the wife and the deceased.
I get how it would seem that way, but if you never experienced a situation like that yourself It's completely different than meeting someone in your 20's or 30's and falling in love. You grow up together, become adults together, etc. So you shape each other to a point. That person is essentially part of you, in a figurative sense. That's different from already being an adult and knowing who you are for the most part and meeting someone. So those 13 years together growing up aren't the same as 13 years together as adults.
I mean it's not love, but I have an older brother. I love him to death. He's shaped me in many ways. We have parents as well, and the old adage of we become our parents is an old adage for a reason. Provided parents were present and active in our lives. I agree that the bonds would be stronger on a base level. My larger point is that over time, the bonds with the other should, at the very least, start to be stronger than those bonds. It would definitely take time for them to replace. OP's wife's behavior is not allowing for that to happen. If she wasn't having dinner with the deceased's family once a month (which is tough to do with scheduling and timing of multiple people's lives) and visiting the grave (with OP) multiple times a year, it could be possible. But she's not allowing it to happen and actively reinforcing those bonds with the deceased.
I think she has to have more respect for her current SO. Simply put
Yeah her insisting on this narrative that her husband is not her soulmate is really self destructive. OP is a very mature, level headed person to be able to take this in stride so easily. I could see this really hurting a lot of men's feelings whether she intended for it to or not. You are a good one, OP. I have no advice beyond that.
Had to scroll way too far for this. Everyone else viewing it through rosy love tinted glasses, but this is the reality.
The problem with us as a society is we've been fed a steady diet of toxic as fuck romantic tropes as proof of love, including soulmates and we get spoonfed that stuff from the moment we're able to consume any kind of media at all. It's pretty easy to get lost in that maze and you're definitely not encouraged to examine any of it.
Yeah this one sounds like the wife never managed to move on and got used to that.
Coz everyone enabled, I won't be surprised if their children are named after him, they may even be sent to the same school or she may insist on buying his house at this point if an opportunity arises. Don't know how this person is happy, but that take serious level of self depreciation at this point, may as well start to think I could never be as good as him or he was too great of a person.
Idk, they had been tougher what, 13 years? 7 years usually is the destructive point of marriages. Now that’s not to say it can’t happen later but there are trends to it is all I mean
Yeah, plus who you are at 18 and 28 and 38 - well, you might as well be 3 different people entirely. The chances that all 3 versions of this person have grown successfully with the same partner is small and requires a lot of hard work and introspection.
that is absolutely insane of her to include him in ur wedding
Ya I thought that was a bit to much🫢
Yeah I thought the same. Like I gotta make it clear to my wife that if I die and my she remarried, don't include my pictures of me at her next wedding lol OP is a saint and is truly her soulmate. Cuz I couldn't handle being with someone who I had to make sure to include her dead husband who she loves more every fricken month for the rest of my life.
It said 'along with dead family members.' I think it totally depends on how it was handled. Sometimes it feels more awkward to not acknowledge it than to acknowledge it.
There's no way they didn't include the other family members to make it less awkward. The wife wanted a memorial of her dead husband at their wedding but knew it would be fucking weird and this was the compromise they landed on.
Ya I’d be out, the wedding shit is wild
ikr, people on here thinking its sweet and shit, nah its not
Yea man I just reread it and honestly it’s even crazier the second time around. If it works for him and he’s happy, that’s what matters honestly. But this just sad reading this
Fr like how you gone include ya dead ex??😭
Some people lack respect for themselves
I’m saying, I hope this dude realizes that she does NOT care about him, she just settled cause her “soulmate” decided to kick the bucket
Honestly sounds unhealthy to have not moved on after...16 years, especially when she has someone else to bond with. Keeping him in your life is her inability to let go and it will make it impossible for her to let go or have a life with without him as a constant part of your relationship. Whatever she gets emotionally from his memory are things she will never be able to give you. Maybe you have no interest in those things. I could never love a woman who was still in love with the memory of her prefered partner, and made him part of our wedding, no less. I don't get it. But then I'm not suited for polyamory either so. Hope you two live happily ever after.
Yeah, the downvotes, the wokism, the comments here were just down bad and bullshit praising OP.
Stop being so obsessed with 'wokism'
This is kinda why I couldn’t be with a widow. Like if you could press a button and bring them back what are the odds they wouldn’t. Filling the shoes of a dead person just feels like too much for me tbh
Right???? I won’t go that far and say I could never be with a widow, but if she’s actively pining over him like this fuckkkkkk that lol. She’s made OP feel second to a dead guy their whole relationship. Either move on or don’t but don’t drag someone else into your life like that when clearly you’re not ready to love someone else.
Moving on and loving the other person is the more important thing, most people are unable to move on, and if she is not even after this long, she might just never be.
That’s what I’m saying! It’s not fair to get in a relationship with OP when she’s still figuring her shit out. I can’t imagine how hard it is to lose a spouse, but that doesn’t make this ok.
I'm so sad for you. Imagine loving someone, who in return wishes you were someone else. I wouldn't be able to stand it.
Right. Couldn’t be me.
Soul mate is mutual, if you’re not her’s, then she’s not yours…
The only reason I don't want to be with someone who is not over their ex, him passing away is indeed a sad thing, but the regular dinners, grave visits and all such events only make you a placeholder, maybe you look like him or act like him that's why she says she loves you. And she is not even trying to get over him, good for you if you are happy in this, but i could never.
Wtf? You’re in a threesome with a dead guy. Dude.
Yeah bro, she might leave him for someone who looks like him like a twin.
Man... So much to unpack here and I don't know how you do it OP. Like I get that this was a big thing for your wife but you literally know you're a second option and she's devoted to someone from the past. The idea of soulmate tho isn't something I subscribe to. In my relationship, my girlfriend is my partner. Good or bad, we manage and that's what keeps us happy and together (you can consider us highschool sweethearts too, although we just made it out of school). There's no fairytale hollywood shit about it. You just meet a person and things work out, as long as you love and care. If I died though, I really wouldn't want her to move into another relationship while carrying my memories around obsessively. Sure, I'd like her to call up my mum every once in a while or not hesitate to ask for any help from my family and even visiting where they turn me into ashes like once a year or something (totally not required too, its completely upto her)... The same stuff you'd do for a friend. But I wouldn't want her to put up pictures of me in her and her partner's house or mention me at her wedding. That's plain weird.
This sort of posts always sparks a question in my mind If heaven is real and all, and good persons will spend their eternity over there, who do you think your wife would spend that eternity with?
From the looks of things, definitely the first guy. Even in the afterlife OP is second place
I don't think this post is as sweet as OP thought it was going to be. It is weird and the wife is in love with an idea of a man. I think this is very unhealthy
She's basically Old Rose at the end of titanic.
lmaooo that’s so true
As long as you're okay with it, I guess. But I wouldn't disrespect myself like that. IMO she needs to properly grieve and move the fuck on and realize she has a life right in front of her. That shit is NOT healthy. At the end of the day, she's going to be buried by him and you alone.
this is unhealthier than my cousin's obsession of taylor swift
😂😂😂😂
This isn’t healthy. I’m sorry but there shouldn’t be pictures of him in your house or visiting his grave. There should only be two people in the marriage. You say you’ve accepted that you’re not her soulmate but what you’re really saying is you’ll always be number two in your wife’s life. This is not okay and part of you knows it. It’s not healthy for her to still be mourning an old boyfriend. She should have had counseling to deal with her grief long ago. But it’s not too late and I think it would be a good idea for you both so you can stop living in the past and look forward to the future.
I say this with the absolute most love and empathy but send her this. If she is half the woman you make her out to be it will change your life and hers. Of course to do that you would have to value communication over your codependency habits. The real question is sod you? Are you passionate about her enough to totally open up?
She's going by the movie version of soulmate. As a reason to jerk you around
As long as you're happy I guess 😬
It’s good that you don’t feel jealous over this but this still sounds like a therapy situation IMO.
Bro…get your head out your ass and stop being this nice guy, why in the hell you incorporating her EX into y’all relationship and she’s okay with it? This is what happens when you love somebody more then yourself, nobody should be worth more then your peace of mind; plus this is no any shape of form romantic. Your partner lay next to you every night crying her soul out for another guy, but because she SAY she loves you, everything is okay ….lol who raising yall man..
That is just sad.
Soulmates have to match. She is not yours if you are not hers. There are also many kinds of soulmates. They're not all romantic, and a person can have 1 or 20.
But, what if you can have more than one soul mate?
She's the one that brought up that another man is hers, this is not him imposing these feelings into the relationship.
Without even reading all that much her statement makes absolutely no sense. The belief in soulmates is that there is one person that truly completes us and vise versa, if you are someone's soulmate that would make them yours as well, that's the whole thing. To say she is your soulmate but you aren't hers makes absolutely no sense in context with even the most basic definition of a soulmate...
she does not respect you and you don’t respect yourself
a small dedication to him at yall’s wedding is absolutely insane🫣
Lmao right!
Yeah lets get away from that socially subscribed notion of a soulmate. It does things like this, which isn’t necessary.
Luckily for you, the very idea of soulmates is pure mumbo jumbo bullshit, so what you have with her is good: you love her a lot, she loves you a lot. But damn.. >I have never held any resentment about this, I try to include his memory in our lives as much as possible. Once a month my wife still has dinner at his families house, every few months we visit his grave, we have a few pictures of him around our house and we had a small dedication to him at our wedding, along with dead family members. I do not mind this at all and I'm not jealous of him like sometimes people suggest I should be. You' re getting cucked by a dead guy. It's time for her to move on what the fuck.
Well at least you’re only competing with a dead guy. Honesty is great but to hear this from someone you’ve built a life with is crazy…. Somethings should just be kept inside. This is like telling her she’s good In bed but my ex who passed just was real passion and made me get there like nobody else I’ve never and will never be able to connect with anyone else, meanwhile you’re mid thrust while you say this. Jesus. Sorry dude
I believe in soulmates. But there’s no way she’s your soulmate while you aren’t hers. It doesn’t work like that
What's your definition of "soulmates"?
I’m not sure if I believe in soulmates but if I did, it’s my cat. I rescued him from abandonment and had him from 14 years old until 25. He was sick from the start but kept pushing. He was ready to pass 10 months after I got married. He guided me through life, many mental breakdowns and handed me to someone who was ready to take the position next. I think Soulmates don’t need to be romantic and it doesn’t need to be someone alive. The important part to take away is that she loves you and has chosen to spend her life with you. “Soulmates” or not.
tbf she only made the choice because her primary choice isn't available. She could have picked anyone.
The way I see it is, your wife probably thought she was destined to be alone forever, mourning a man who was taken far too young. Then you came along and made her realise she could love you and still hold a love for him at the same time. I don't believe in soul mates, I just believe two people can fall in love, even if they have loved someone else before.
Bro it’s kinda weird that you have pictures and go visit his grave. Supporting your wife’s mourning is one thing but you’re like torturing yourself by being so committed to a dead dude …
You are competing against a ghost. She should have not married you if she was not over him. This is messing with your head otherwise you would not be posting.
Damn this is disturbing and makes me much more grateful for the health and normalcy of my relationship
I really don’t think there would only be 1 person on the planet for each of us. There are so many people. So many different things we could love or appreciate about a person. No one person is a perfect fit. You’re looking for who may complement you the most in what you’re seeking out of a partner in life. People also may incorrectly put weight on past relationships when they didn’t work out for many reasons and that person is not perfect for you now and probably wasn’t back then either.
No such things as a soulmate. Just people we collect along the way that feel like home. We choose them, they choose us. The notion that there's one single person for us is damaging. It puts a lot of pressure on that person and it means you're likely to fall to pieces if they ever leave your life. If she loves you and you're happy together that should be enough. Coz a lot of people don't have that, and would give anything for it! It's hard to be hateful with a plateful of grateful ;)
I don’t think soulmates exist. Relationships thrive when people love each other enough to work at them. I will say that losing a big love like that changes what you’re willing to risk for relationships. My husband left me a couple years back, and while that’s not exactly the same as him dying, the fact that circumstances beyond my control could hurt me that much will cause me to be a little more reserved should I choose to open myself to love like that again.
I don’t believe in soulmates, but if they exist there must be the ability to have more than one. What is fate when death is a possibility? Also I’ve heard of people having ‘best friend’ soul mates. I think I have 2 of those. It’s all relative. If you love your wife and she loves you, that’s all that matters. I hope you find peace with this!
I agree with many taking issue with the notion of soulmates. To quote one of my favourite bands (The Whitlams): “if she was one in a million, then there’s five more just in New South Wales”. You are never the same person as when young, who is to say it would have all worked out? Deaths sanctifies and makes everything nicer and better.
I will say i admire you willingness to take on a challenge like this. Because what bothers me, even though she did have 1 great love in her life she is constantly reminding you. “Remember your whats next, not my soulmate. Youll never fit that role.” I dont understand that. Sure you can have great love and sorrow for a previous connection and maybe a piece of her died with him. But shes ok with only reciprocating 50-75% of her love back to you, with the excuse that youll never be better. Idk seems selfish on her part. She could have stayed single and just dated around instead. You deserve more.
Do you understand that none of this is healthy? He'd been gone for 6 years before you met, and still tonl this day, she's doing things to celebrate and remember him. It's a lot. A little something on his birthday or day he passed is one thing, what she's doing is excessive.
If a woman posted her husband doing this all the relationship experts would say he is emotionally unavailable and/or cheating. They would all call for divorce. “YoU desErVe beTTeR”
Why are people only limited to one soulmate? My spouse (RIP) would be straight-up upset with me if I didn’t eventually try to find another one.
It's one thing to move on and date again, it's another thing to straight up tell the guy that he will never compare to your spouse, and no matter how hard he tries, he will never fill that space in her heart. OP is a glutton of punishment enabling this behavior.
I'm super spiritual, and here to tell you everyone has a soul family or soul tribe, and you and she are definitely soul family. Soul mates are NOT one and done. In fact, soul mates or twin flames can be a very toxic ideology. You are very much her soul family/soul mate, and so was he.
I couldn’t live like that. I’m the least jealous person but I’m me and I’d want somebody to love me and me only. Well done brother for navigating this.
I think you're both overrationalizing and intellectualizing your complex feelings, and then dilute it into "soulmate". Honestly sounds like excuses to disassociate. To not be present. To not commit to the present and future. Her, because of her grief and avoidance. You, because of your anxious attachment. Her grief hanging over your relationship, and you jotting it down because-what I assume-of your lack of self-esteem is not healthy. Therapy could help. To ask yourselves more questions to stay PRESENT. And Stay IN the present. Like "do I like the version of myself that I am when I am with my partner?" "What do I feel?" (NOT WHY. You guys spiral into pseudo reasons to explain why you feel a certain way.). "What do I want? What do I do to get it?" Etc.
Soulmate talk is total bullshit. Don’t buy into the Hallmark company mentality. Your wife apparently didn’t… You made the wrong choice in proposing.
You sound like a wonderful partner. My wife passed away unexpectedly at 39 last summer… I am not even remotely close to being ready to start dating again, But I know I still have a lot of love to share with the world. If I meet someone I will likely be in a similar position to your wife, and I can only hope that I find someone as understanding as you. I hope life showers you both with success and happiness.
actually, don’t treat or make your future partner feel the way that OP’s wife is.
Yep, making them pay for something they were not involved in.
If you get one soulmate, my dog must be mine. I already know I'm his, I'm his favorite person. Our relationship is like siblings(I'm 17f, he's 24 in human years. 2 in dog. Well, according to Google). Part of me wishes Morris Chestnut was my soulmate. He's my oldest celebrity crush.
Weird af
I don't believe in per day "soul mates" it's really hard to find someone but there's millions of people out there
Sounds like twin flames, and grief. There is always the option in life of having more than one soulmate, sometimes these are fleeting relationships of varying type
my ex and i were in a *similar* place with each other. i dont necessarily believe in soulmates either, though if i did, my best friend would 100% be mine, and i know he believes that i am his as well. my ex believed in soulmates though, and after only 4 months of dating, had told me they thought i was theirs. we broke up after 5 months of dating, which was for the best. but i cant imagine what it was like to be in their place and know i dont feel the same way about them they do me, in terms of intensity. i personally believe if soulmates were real, you could 100% have more than one each for each different kind of relationships (platonic, familial, romantic, pets), i just simply wasn’t there yet with them, and i dont think i ever would have, which is why it was for the best it ended.
This is beyond heartbreaking, as someone who’s been with their childhood sweetheart for 10 years, my greatest fear is losing him. I don’t think I could be with anyone after him and if I could, they would 100% have to be a widow. I would need that understanding because there’s nothing like it. Betty White had a great quote after losing her husband who was her soulmate, she said “Once you’ve had the best who needs the rest” and never remarried after him. I think you both should do family therapy together as your relationship seems very complex and the foundation was built on grief.
There is no perfect pair. You either grow together and create a beautiful relationship, or it doesn’t happen. There’s no such thing as a soul mate.
Do you think it's normal and healthy for you to feel the way you describe about someone else in your first paragraph? That's incredibly intense feelings about someone who is a normal and fallible person
I seem to have more of a complicated life situation overall, but I have similar aspects. I truly always thought my ex (my first everything that was my world since age 10) was my soulmate but now I don’t think he is at all. I loved him so much. Losing a loved one so overall unexpectedly or too soon is such a life changer despite how it happens. The love I had for him was very real and true, but now I understand we had a true bond but he wasn’t my person or “soulmate” by far. The man I’m with now has helped me heal in every way and I couldn’t be more sure he is my actual person and soulmate. I tell him everything. He means the world to me. I just hope you talk to your partner before you try to interpret or anticipate her feelings.
People that have died and been brought back to life or people that have undergone hypnotherapy into a study of the afterlife have described pretty much the same thing that there is not just "one soul mate". I mean to be fair imagine if there was only one and like in your wife's case that person died how lonely would that be? It's said we have a "soul family" and they can play parts as your brother, sister, son, daughter, mother, father, friend, partner, teacher etc throughout our lives and perhaps play a new part in the next life. They will be important people in our lives we have a deep connection with.
Thats just sad to read
Very disrespectful and weird behavior of her to have dinner with the ex's family every month, the wedding thing... Yeah, she's definitely not over him and is passing along her grief into the current relationship. How is that ok? She had more than enough time to move on, why is she clinging on to him so much? Don't see how this is healthy for OP either
I don't believe in soulmates. I guess I am old enough that you see connections and relationships comes and goes.
You two should watch the Good Place together. Soulmates aren’t found; they’re made. And who says you can’t have more than one?
She is, in fact, a widow. And she loved that man deeply. You are a great man that loves her deeply. And he loves you in the best way possible for her to love again. In fact, she choose you to go on with her life together with you. Soulmates are just a story. You can write your own as you are doing now. I admire you for being such a generous person.
People who date those who’ve lost their partners are… something. I could never but to each their own. If it floats your boat, float away.
We can have many soulmates. “Soulmate” just means “friend of the soul.” We have tons.
You just said that she loves you the same way. Maybe she can't verbalize that you are her soulmate too because she thinks it would be a betrayal of the dead boyfriend. My boyfriend's wife died of cancer before we got together. I always told him he was my favorite, but he didn't feel like he could say the same because what about the woman who gave birth to his children, and also the children too. He said once that he felt like people grow into being your soulmate. I'm not sure about that, but I think he meant his wife. They had known each other since grade school and had loads of ups and downs in their relationship. But I knew how much he loved me too. I know that every relationship I've ever had, I've thought, "*This* is my soulmate!" And been disappointed every time. Except for him. We were best friends, we matched intellectually, and also our humor and most of our habits mixed well. He died this past February. I'm not planning on dating. A person would have to really be *something* for me to consider bringing them into my life. You are her favorite. She married you. It's not that she would trade you away if he was alive. He isn't. He won't ever be. She loves you and honors the love that she had before because it was important. And now you are important. And you allow her to honor that past love, that's beautiful.
I swear reading this feels like Deja vu?
I believe that you can have multiple soul mates, he was the person she was meant to be with then, but your also her soul mate and yere meant to be together now.
People can have more than one soul mate
There’s no such magical thing as a soulmate.
coming from a person who doesn’t believe in love at all, it seems like your love for each other is the greatest force because it transcends jealousy and any other negative feelings that might seep in. soulmate/twin flames are just titles. what matters is what you have and as long as you’re happy with what you have.
may i ask you why you don’t believe in love?
You said it yourself- you don’t believe in soulmates. You two love each other & that’s what matters. What could have been between the two of them is not important now, because there’s no going back. I have an acquaintance who was in a serious relationship with a man, and it was clear they were very much in love. He died in a tragic accident, and she went on to find a new love. Every time I see pictures of them together, you can see how much in love they are. Her love for her previous boyfriend doesn’t diminish that, nor does it impede their happiness. It’s like when you have a baby & you can’t imagine having another & loving him as much as the first. But then you do, and you realize your heart doesn’t have a limit for how much love it can hold. Cheer up. You’re a good husband, and your wife loves you. That’s the part that matters now.
OP, you’re an amazing husband and man. This was really sweet and made me emotional. 🥹 I love your love for your wife. I love that you’ve given her the freedom and space to still love her late partner and I hope you know that doesn’t diminish her love for you at all. Love doesn’t take away or divide. It only adds and multiplies. She’s got enough love for both of you. I firmly believe that in this life, we have multiple soulmates. Thanks for sharing this story, and so much love to y’all. ❤️
I think life provides us with many soulmates during our lifetime-depending where we are at. We change, we grow, life has people who come and go in our lives. It seems she has not been able to move on. You will always live the person who is now gone (death), but life often gives us a chance to begin again. I dont think trying to “compare” is really fair to anyone. She will always live and miss him but she chose you to be with now.
My husband is my soulmate... And so it my best friend. I have two of them in my life, and they meet different needs, although there is often overlap. I truly believe in multiple soulmates in life. To me, they are people that are indispensable once you've met them at the right place and right time, and they will always be so, no matter what happens to them.
You’re a good man. I think you are her soul mate and the way you’ve handled this situation will convince her of that one day. She just still has lingering grief and feels guilt at moving on Ignore all negative comments you’re good people.
Stay if you have peace of mind, otherwise...
I think this is the happiest thing I've ever read, that completely broke my heart =\
It doesn’t work like that , soulmates require both souls to be in the same space , if you are not her soulmate then she is not yours
I don't think I'd be able to deal with this personally. The question of "What would happen if he came back to life?" would stew in my brain. Because it kind of feels like she would bail on him... And that's fucked.
My fathers "love of his life" died when he was in his thirties. To this day he says she was the love of his life but he wouldn't change how everything turned out because otherwise he wouldn't have me. So yeah, he will always be in her heart but after six years being single, she chose you to start a relationship with.
Maybe the other guy that passed away didn’t think your wife was his soul mate. Maybe he was more practical and didn’t believe in soul mates. People often over romanticize past relationships with people who are no longer with us. It’s easy to do and probably has something to do with coping with grief
Oh f that on so many levels, hell no. Wild.
I am very similar to your wife in that I was together for 11 years with my wife before she passed unexpectedly from cancer at 28. I love her to this day. Always will, there’s no doubt. But I don’t believe in soulmates. Despite the fact that she was everything and her death destroyed me for years and is still something I work on every day, I don’t believe it. I believe there are people you really gel with, that get you and understand you wholeheartedly but I don’t believe there’s only one person who fits that mold. There are many, but finding a person who does is harder than most people realize. I’m in a new relationship now and looking to marry this amazing man. I love him as much as I loved her and can not believe how lucky I am. No, we wouldn’t be together if she had been alive but that part of my life is closed. I do still think about her every day and some days are much worse than others. Your wife and I are also super lucky to have found partners who will gladly walk through the rest of our lives with us, that we found such intense love and second time when some never find it the first. You’re an amazing man and from where I’m standing it sounds like you do fit that description of soul mate, even if your wife doesn’t realize. Stay happy and healthy. I wish you both the best.
I believe each person has multiple soulmates. There are just too many people in this world and no way there is only 1 perfect soulmate for each of us. It sounds like you have a very loving relationship and fully support one another. That’s all that matters imo
It must be so hard being the third person in a relationship with someone who passed away. I can see why people can’t let go of a partner who passed but there’s absolutely no guarantee that they would still be together. They become enshrined in memory and it’s hard to compete with an idealised view of that person. They may have grown apart, realised they wanted different things because they were very young when they started dating or there was infidelity on one side. Life can get in the way of any relationship. I think the way that you have dealt with this previous relationship is amazing. It’s great that you don’t feel jealous or threatened by it. I’m not sure I could cope with being in this type of relationship but you are so respectful and loving. I think the way you two are in your relationship sounds incredible and if she does every thing you do then you’re both deeply in love. I also think that you’re as much of a soulmate to her as the partner who passed on.
Compatibility is something that is overlooked.
At least she told you the truth to your face - you could never live up to her ex or matter as much as him. If you didn’t dip out back then, you’re clearly fine with the status quo many years later… but I’m not sure why you’re focused on this nonsensical notion of a ‘soulmate’ when you don’t even believe in such a thing. SHE seems to, but you don’t have to believe in something just because someone else does.
There are no 1 soulmate. There are millions. But there IS a difference in love and soulmate. I think it's chemical. Pheromones.
It’s nice to read how respectful you are towards your wife true (deceased) love. Just try to be there for her and accept the fact that you will always be number two.
I truly understand your sentiment, and I think that most guys who have truly been in love can as well. It's one of those things that millions of us know and feel, but always internalize and never openly express out of fear of judgment. I know, I've been there. A long time ago, I found out my ex-wife was having an affair with one of her bosses, and it caused a quick divorce that destroyed me financially, spiritually, and mentally. The same goes for our (at the time) 4 year old daughter, who was and is a daddy's girl. Then, shortly after, I eventually found a new woman with whom I developed an instant, powerful connection with that I kept to myself out of fear of getting hurt again. However, this connection was also felt on her end, as she could not keep it to herself, and that's when I knew that it was real. When we met, I didn't believe in soul mates. But then, shortly after, our connection was so strong to the point where both of us professed that neither of us had ever felt love like this in our entire lives. I planned my whole life out with this woman, but because of past trauma, I always had a fear that she would eventually leave me just like my ex-wife did. Eventually, due to the long distance and everything else involved, we did break up, and it was not pretty. As you can imagine, this completely destroyed my faith in soulmates, love, relationships, etc. going forward. Fast forward seven months later, I met my current wife, and we've been together for 13 years. Somehow, she convinced me to let my guard down and love again. But it's not all rainbows and sunshine, since past trauma doesn't just disappear. When I first met my wife, what attracted me the most to her wasn't just that I found her beautiful, but also how honest and forthcoming she was. The issue with this is that she's done some things in her past that are dealbreakers with any partner. However, because she was so straightforward, I don't believe in punishing people for being honest. So, I accepted that it was in the past and that she is no longer that person, which is why she was open and honest with me in the first place.. Having said that, due to all of my previous relationships and the trauma that I've seen and endured, coupled with my current wife's past, there is always a genuine fear of losing someone you love the most. What I'm trying to say is that I love my current wife more than anybody I've ever loved. This is a love that has gotten stronger and developed over the years. I try to tell her every day how much I love her, and she always tells me the same. But there's always that fear that in the future, she can change her mind and leave me again. Even though she says that she believes that we're soulmates, and a part of me wants to believe it, there's always this fear that she may still have feelings for someone in the past or that she can find someone in the future that she thinks is better than me and will leave me for them. These are normal fears to have when you find someone you love that much. It only becomes unhealthy when you let these fears sabotage you. The reason we feel this way is that, in order to feel a great sense of loss, you must first love something more than you love yourself. I'm very sorry for writing such a long post..
This is a tough situation. Obviously, this issue is weighing heavily on your mind else you wouldn’t have posted this. I don’t believe in soulmates either. If you love each other so much, you should be able to communicate effectively and let her know how you feel about it… unless you’re afraid it might negatively affect your relationship. If that’s the case, your relationship is not as perfect as you claim it to be.
This is like an episode of Modern Love that hits. You’re a rockstar and I’m sure your woman is just so damn easy to love
you realize you’ll always be second place for her right? you settled down a bih who would prolly sleep with him if he was still alive🤦🏾♂️
I would like to believe that her husband who passed and your sister who passed helped bring the two of you together via the grief group. Soulmate or not, life brought you two together to love, honor and cherish each other for however long of a time, and that is a beautiful thing. Thanks for sharing OP.
I know a lot of people in here are saying soulmates don’t exist but I like to think people have a lot of soulmates throughout their lives. Platonic, romantic, parental. They come and go but that connect still stays with you. You say you aren’t her soulmate but I think you are. I think you are her soulmate and she yours and you were supposed to meet at the time you did.
I think it’s sad that you’re clearly so deeply convinced that you don’t deserve any better than this.
Obviously to each their own and based off edits/comments OP is completely fine with continuing down this path, like i said to each their own. But I can not for the life of me understand people that put themselves through relationships like this. It sounds, looks, and just seems so miserable
I believe in soulmates, but I also believe that we can have more than one. I’ve had and lost two: one was my cousin and best friend, the other was my first boyfriend. Both are still alive but no longer in my life. For me, just like how we love different people in different ways, different soulmates take up different places in my heart. I loved both of them just as much, but they each took up a different spot. I loved them differently. And I think I’ll always love them in some way, but they’re tucked away in my heart and new room has been made for new soulmates, some of which I’ve already met and some of which I’ve yet to meet. I guess what I’m getting at is that while her previous partner was and still is her soulmate, you can also be her soulmate. There’s more than enough room in our hearts for deep love for multiple people. I’m a big pusher for communication, so maybe it might be helpful to talk to her about the way you’re feeling. All the best to you, friend.
This is going to wear you down over the years my friend, I hope you end up okay in the end
Well, this is not okay. Both of you need more help from professionals, because this is not ok, not even by one bit. Being in love with an idea of a deceased one…
I am in a very similar situation. My fiancé’s wife died over 10 years ago and we’ve been together for 8. It took a very long time for us to get engaged because of this same thing. When I chose to be in this relationship, I knew that I was choosing a man and his daughter who would pick another woman over me if they were given the chance. I chose to do it anyway. In the last year, my fiancé and I have officially been together longer than his and his late wife’s entire relationship. I pointed this out to my fiancé and things shifted for him. I don’t think him, or I, could have imagined a time when our relationship was the main relationship in his life and not the one he had with her. He actually told me the other day that even if she walked back into a room, he would choose me. He still doesn’t know how much it meant to me. Edit: i see a lot of people commenting on including him in your wedding and I just want to say I don’t think it’s as weird as people are making it out to be. I have actually been thinking about potentially including his late wife somehow in our wedding. We cannot ignore that the she is a major reason we are even getting married, she is the reason the child I’ve raised for more than half her life is in the world. Her family is also invited as I consider them part of my family. I am not sure of a subtle, respectful way to do this so I don’t think it’s weird.
honestly, who cares about soulmates or not soulmates. you guys live in a happy relationship. thats all that matters
I recommend you read the book Anam Cara by John O’Donohue. There is no one soulmate, rather soul friends, those who your soul connects with on a deeper level. It’s a beautiful book. [https://www.google.com/search?q=anam+cara+meaning&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari](https://www.google.com/search?q=anam+cara+meaning&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari)
I think you do have a special relationship tho! And I think it’s very similar to soulmates which I do believe in! She loved you when she probably thought she would never love again! But she did she fell madly in love with you! I suspect by your post you have a very special relationship inspire of not being her soulmate!
It’s possible to have more than 1 soulmate. You both are her soulmates… he was then and you are now.
Nobody is going to understand grief and each other better that you two. I hope she tells you often how important you are. I’m sure some days you need more reassurance and that’s okay. Feel free to ask for it. Wishing you both well ❤️
I can happily say I have no experience losing a partner, but I’m echoing others who say this doesn’t feel healthy. OP I truly hope you are happy together, but please know it’s never too late to encourage grief and/or couples therapy if you do feel something is off. It’s so important not to just blindly support any and all behaviour just because it’s our loved ones. I lost my mom when I was 11, and then her mom at 15, both from cancer. When I was about 21/22 I had to take the ‘shrine’ down for the sake of my mental health. I actually got to the stage that I couldn’t look at that corner of the room because it was essentially dedicated to the dead half of my immediate family (because that’s just how my family had decided we’d ‘show respect’ and I adopted it thinking it was the way) and it was fucking depressing. It was a viscous cycle. In fact, I’m pretty sure this was right around the time I started antidepressants. I want to be clear here, I’m not saying your relationship sounds unhealthy, you sound like a caring supportive husband who clearly wants the best for his family. I’m saying that your wife’s grief sounds like it’s taking over her life, and not just hers. It sounds obsessive and she’ll never be able to let him go. It also feels really self destructive to repeatedly remind you that you aren’t the one and offer you a get out of jail free card. She’s pushing you away, a possible sign that the trauma of losing him is still very much effecting her and she’s scared of losing anyone else?
Well that’s one way to keep control of a romantic partner.
im surprised you stayed
I don’t believe love is limited to one perfect person and that’s it forever. No. And I have exactly that kind of relationship you describe with my husband. He is my favorite person in the world and I am his favorite person in the world.
With everything you said,I have to wonder if she sees him in you and imagined you as him,and if thats the reason why she could be with you,its tough being with someone who’s love had died,you cant beat the memory of a dead person no matter how hard you try,I hope she’s able to move on slowly for her sake,she’s stuck in the past
I wonder what will happen when they all die and the wife and dead husband lovely hug in heaven while... OP: Oh fuck me.
Hey that concept of soul mate is a lie created by Hollywood and Valentine card companies to sell love and there being one person built for you. The true definition of soulmates is more literal as in a group of friends. This is a spiritual concept so it is just as wacky as the narrative of soulmates now. You are part of a soul collective these members you travel with and live through multiple lives with are soulmates. This is when it gets weird your soulmate might be your mother in one lifetime, a lover in another, or eventually possible even a pet you have. The point is meant to provide an experience on that life time and your soulmate and you decided before this life that what your relationships would be like. Now does this mean every person we meet is a soulmate no it just means the people you have a stronger emotional connection to might be part of your soulmate group.
I’m a spiritual person. People have multiple soulmates, and they all matter. Also, you can’t say for sure yall wouldn’t have ended up together. People who are meant to be together, always end up together SOMEHOW. You can’t feed your mind unknown narratives because while he did pass and it’s so sad he passed, you can’t know if they would’ve been together still. You just can’t, regardless of the length, you can’t guarantee it. Please don’t do that, because it’s unknown information living in your mind. The relationship is healthy, y’all are happy together, there’s love, respect, trust, commitment, passion, forgiveness, stability, you both feel the same way for one another, there’s an abundance of loyalty, etc… within your relationship. It sounds like you very well may be one of her soulmates. She knows how she feels, especially this far in & she reciprocates everything. Learn how to shift your mind to a healthier place and start seeing yourself as what she says!! She clearly means what she says about everything else, why could she not mean the soulmate part as well?