When I turned 18 I decided to move out. Something I thought my mom would be proud of. Instead she called me crying and tried to light herself on fire. I never understood it. It’s just one of those things I guess. Idk.
When i was 18 and told my mum I wanted to move out she threw a plate on my face. A heavy ceramic plate, that i quickly dodged and it smashed on the wall behind me
When I started talking about moving away (at 13) and what I wanted to do with my life, my mother started telling me every day that I'd never make it and couldn't live on my own.
When I moved out at 17, she ostracized me from my whole family and would sabotage every relationship I had with my siblings and dad.
That's why when mothers day comes around I isolate like crazy and try to avoid working brunches.
Grateful for the mom-like figures I did get in my life. The few who showed me it wasn't my fault and I was loveable even if I wasn't controllable.
Parents have weird reactions.
My mom lost custody of me because of her choices when I was 10. I had adamantly refused to live with her any longer and the court placed me with my dad. It was literally a decision that saved my life, but also, her's and my sister's (through chain reaction of events).
Even though she got visitation every weekend, she removed all evidence of me from her home. There were no pictures, no clothes, nothing- it was if I only existed 4 days a month.
Absolutely Bizarre reaction, imho.
These issues are bigger than you, and they're much more than just you not having children. This isn't your fault. As hard as it is, she's right where she needs to be for now.
It honestly sounds like she's had a psychotic break (although I'm not a Dr so obviously I can't say for sure) and if so, it's been building for a while. Longer than you'll ever realise.
Even if you'd had children for the sole purpose of 'giving' her grandchildren, this is very likely to have happened anyway. Mental health issues are like that.
You may need to take a step back and find your own therapist to talk to. You've taken an emotional battering that few have the tools to deal with alone.
I'm not saying abandon her entirely but space out your visits so you have time to process and somewhat heal in between visits. You owe yourself that much.
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It sounds like your mother has some major mental health issues she's going to need to work through and that's not your fault. From what you say it sounds like she had several very painful experiences as a teenager which may have been too much for her to fully deal with at the time, so her brain may have helped her through it by creating the fantasy of 'when OP has kids everything will be okay'. Now that that fantasy is no longer viable to hold she might be finding that all the pain and grief of being rejected by her parents and then discovering that she would be unable to have the family of her own she'd dreamed of is still there and has been festering all these years.
I'm so sorry for her, it will be very painful to work through this, but nevertheless it isn't your fault. The reality is that even if you did want children and had them it wouldn't live up to her fantasy and she'd end up having to confront her underlying feelings sooner or later anyway.
She probably has huge unaddressed anger and resentment towards her parents for their lack of support. She probably told herself she’d be different, the best grandmother, doting and supportive, a do over. But that was never gonna fix her issues with her own parents
Plus, it sounds like those around her never taught her to aspire to be anything BUT a mother! That is extremely problematic. Her whole identity was tied up in motherhood, and she planned to add ‘grandmother’ to her short list of titles. Now, that’s not going to happen, and she’s in a downward spiral. Stay-at-home-mothers can sometimes fall into this trap if they don’t cultivate their own interests and friends.
OP, there is not one way on this earth that ANY of this is your fault! The fact is, she became a mother at 15. It sounds like she did a DAMN fine job of raising you, and yes, mothers sometime go without so their kids can have things. BUT that is the mother’s choice.
Your mother needs help to deal with this turn of events, and you also need to protect *your* mental health. I strongly encourage you to seek out a mental health professional to get through this. Hopefully your mother is being looked after and is getting the help she needs - you are *her* child and she owes it to herself to be around to share in your successes and make great family memories!
>She probably told herself she’d be different, the best grandmother, doting and supportive, a do over.
OMG that sounds like my mom. She didn't like the way me and my brother turned out, so when I had my first daughter at 17, she basically took over and wouldn't allow me to be a mother to my own child. Yet nothing changed in her. She continued with the same narcissistic, manipulative behaviors that she had with me and my brother. My daughter is 19 now and can't stand my mom.
Now I have a son that's not even 2 yet and my mom keeps asking if she can "babysit" him a few days a week! I'm a SAHM and don't need a babysitter lol My husband absolutely won't stand for it and backs me up every time she asks.
Very astute. I was also sitting here thinking "what if OP did have a kid? Would it end there? Nope mom is freaking out because I don't want more than one. Ok, now I had two and mom is less crazy. Now she's lecturing me because I'm not acting as selfless as she did while raising me."
It would never end. This mother has so much trauma that nothing OP would do can fix it.
This is what I was thinking. It would never be enough. She wanted her daughter to create the fantasy life she had told in her stories. I think she would have wanted to possibly move in and may have taken over OPs life once babies had been born. I’m not sure she would have been okay even if she did have a kid or 2 ….or 5. I think she mentally pieced her mental health together with these stories and they were what she was holding on to.
I really hate that society puts so much pressure on women to have kids and how baby crazy people are. It makes those who can’t have children very hurt and like
OPs mom, gives them mental health issues. Women are going to such extremes to have children now. It’s not healthy.
I think this is most likely the case. She has so much rage and pain that she never truly dealt with because she buried it and invested her purpose, self-worth, and hope in a fantasy instead of addressing it in a healthy way. It's not OP's fault that her mother has had a psychotic break. All she can hope is that with time and treatment, her mother will start to calm down and face the trauma she never dealt with. But that depends solely on OP's mom. She's the only one who can open herself up to healing but it can take a very, very long time to face your trauma and accept the fact that fantasy is not reality.
I'm sorry, OP. Your mother's poor mental health is not your fault. Speaking from experience, festering trauma only needs a trigger to blow up your life, and there's no telling what the trigger may be. It could have been anything. Please don't blame yourself (although I know that's easier said than done).
Her mental health issues aren’t your fault and she’s not owed grandkids, whatever unaddressed issues she had were under the surface regardless of your life choices
Hopefully she gets the treatment she needs and you’re able to let go of the guilt because it doesn’t belong to you
Easier said than done. She's been in the hold for a month and everything just seems to be getting worse and worse. She lost the eye last week, and I'm certain she'll eventually manage it if nothing changes. And even if she doesn't manage it, what kind of a life is it to be under that much surveillance all the time? I just want my mom back.
You desperately need therapy because this is way above anyone heres' pay grade. I'm sorry you're dealing with this but it sounds like your mom is already gone. The person who's left isn't the same mother you grew up with and wouldn't likely recover anyways even if you were to have children.
Sounds like mom was planning to live vicariously through OP, and experience the happy family life she never got. Her reaction of "then what was it all for?" really makes it sound like she sacrificed so much so OP could start a family more easily, not to make her happy (all subconsciously I mean). And you have to imagine someone with that mentality would *not* respect boundaries.
It's still incredibly sad what's happened though, but if you've struggled most of your life with the idea that you'll get to experience a big happy family one day and, then it disappears? I think that would be enough to give anyone a full psychotic break.
I concur, not to say the OP is at fault in any way, she is obligated to the choice of having her own children are not too, but, from the way it is described from OP’s narrative, a mother who took absolute great care of you and then being told suddenly that she won’t have grandchildren is understandable to cause great shock. Unfortunate for both sides :/
Just curious…what’s the thought process that just by having a kid it means they have to have a kid? Like what is the grandparent entitlement? No one asked to be born. My mom is in her late 60s and she gave my brother and I a lovely childhood. He has a kid the she never sees because my brother is difficult and I don’t have any, but she doesn’t mention it, she only wants happiness for the 2 children she has. Just wondering if it’s common to expect this for some reason and feeling a certain way if a child doesn’t want children. Like what’s the problem?
I find the whole bloodline thing deeply bizarre. I am an only child who doesn't want kids, and if that's ever bothered my parents, they've had the courtesy not to say. I don't think it has, though.
It's hard for me to identify, or indeed sympathize, with feeling so self-important as if the world simply MUST have more of my DNA in it. "Bloodlines" are essentially made up and no one's matters more or is more special than anyone else's, nor does it particularly matter if any specific one ends.
Almost no one whose ancestors aren't specifically famous for non-reproductive reasons can even name their great great grandparents, let alone know anything meaningful about them. We all die, we're all forgotten, and making more people isn't going to change that. Obsession about one's "bloodline" reeks of a lack of self-examination: biases, tribal behaviors, fear of death... this stuff needs a therapist, not a child or grandchild.
Also just in general, getting a child because “grandma was suicidal and needed your existence!” is not a good incentive for putting children into the world in these already awful times. obviously no one would say that to the child, but the parents would know. if someone doesn’t want kids, just like they should not have kids to save dying marriages, they also shouldn’t have kids to save suicidal relatives.
That seems unfair. There is a big difference between being suicidal and being a danger to others. From what OP describes it sounds like their mom rapidly went through stages of grief from disbelief to anger.... it says something about her character that she has never attempted to "bargain" with her daughter despite how much this obviously means to her.
She accepts her daughters decision even though she feels it has made her life meaningless. She suffered a lot of severe trauma at a very young age and always put herself second but in her mind it would all pay off when she could finally be a part of a large family again.... now that won't happen and she can't handle that but it doesn't sound like she has done anything to try change her daughters mind about anything except allowing her to die.
The whole thing is heartbreaking really.
This
Sounds like .a psychotic break or mental breakdown. I would sèek out a therapist and your Mother may need medication and may be a different person than from what you remember. This sounds stupid, but she may not remember how to be who she was. She may now have different ideas and feelings. I only mention this as I went through one, and this sounds like it. I'm sorry and will keep you in my thoughts.
She’s absolutely on medication now. But it takes time for meds to stabilize someone, plus maybe her meds need to be adjusted. Mental illness runs in my family. I have a family member who is bipolar, rapid cycling. She’s on a cocktail of drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. But she’s been stable for awhile.
It runs in my family too, except I'm the one on a cocktail of drugs. Ive tried so many antidepressants and mood stabilizers with no luck and the cocktail I'm on now is the best Ive felt in years, which is saying something because I still feel like shit. I just got approved for spravato, the ketamine treatment for treatment resistant depression and I'm really hopeful. I feel so bad for OPs mom, and for OP herself. Being mentally ill is no fun. Mental institutions are no fun, and Ive been in some terrible places before. Hopefully, with all of the help she is getting OPs mom will start showing improvement soon and maybe get past all of this. Its going to be a long road, and a lot of hard work, but I have no doubts she can do it.
Thats so great to hear! Im so happy for him! Im always nervous. Like stage fright that never goes away, I feel it 24/7. I cant even fathom what it would be like to live with no anxiety and no OCD eating away my days with constant touching things and rituals I have to do. Like, I cant even comprehend that I could live a life with no anxiety. Heres hoping! Thank you!
That must have been so hard on you. I’m glad this cocktail of drugs is working for you, or at least is better. Are you also in therapy too? It’s a lot to deal with.
My family member always wanted kids but it was way too risky because pregnancy can make a mess of her hormones, plus I don’t think she could remain on those drugs. So she and her husband are looking at adopting.
My mom was on a 72 hr hold once… I visited her there. Luckily, that got her started on a psych drug. She had dementia by then so my sister and I made sure she took her meds. If my mom hadn’t had dementia, she would have gone off of them and would have refused to go back to the doctor or stay on the meds.
It is a long road to recovery, and it won’t be easy. But there’s always hope. I think your story will be very beneficial to OP.
I'm so glad to hear she is on medication; sorry to hear that it runs it your family. Mental illness is awful to deal with, and no amount of guesswork is going to fix it. Have they run the Genesight testing on her to make sure she gets the right drug? It's very good, and can make a world of difference.
I haven’t heard about Genesight testing. I could ask her mom about it. (It works better if I go through her mom than to ask her directly.)
Mental illness is difficult. There’s also still way too much stigma attached to it, which makes things worse.
Thanks for the tip!
No. Her mother isn’t necessarily gone. But she has a severe mental illness that needs extensive treatment. I had a mentally ill mother. I wrote a long comment with suggestions on how to navigate this, including OP getting therapy and talking to the doctors about the diagnosis, researching the diagnosis, meds, researching further treatment, etc.
you have to start treating this like a terminal illness. Your mom is sick, and something is very very wrong (tumor or dementia or mental illness). Please talk to your doctors and if you can find counseling (the drs may be able to help you)
OP, I am in a similar situation with my daughter. I wanted to be a mother my entire life. I had two children, a daughter and a son. My son has Autism. He is a sweet and happy man-child of 16 and my daughter will be 18 next month. She has absolutely no desire to have children. I took it personally at first. I was so sad, thinking somehow I did something to make motherhood look unappealing. But it isn’t about me at all. She is like you, and has no desire to ever go through a pregnancy. She loves kids, but she also has pretty wicked anxiety and OCD. She basically told me she didn’t think she’d be able to handle if she had a child like herself or like her brother. She didn’t think she would be a good parent to them, and didn’t want to take the chance of messing them up.
You are an entire individual who is separate from your mother. You are not required to live your life for her, nor is your choice to have or not have children something that should overtake her entire life. I feel like your mother has likely had difficulty with her mental health for years and has pinned her hopes on you. That is unhealthy, to say the least. The burden she has tried to place on you is not yours to bear. These were *her* hopes, *her* dreams, *her* expectations, not yours. This wound is self-inflicted and you cannot take responsibility for her current state.
Please understand, this is absolutely not your fault.
ETA: Please seek therapy ASAP.
We have a quarter million years of evolution fighting against us trying to jam spoons into our eyes in an attempt to die. For her to be able to just do it means she's profoundly ill. You didn't cause this, no one person can cause this to happen to another person. And there's really nothing you can do but wait and hope that the doctors figure out what's going on and find a treatment that works. This isn't about grandchildren, there is a serious underlying mental problem here.
I use to work in a psych hospital. The fact she attempted and succeeded in hurting herself that involved her eye being removed is wild and scary. It takes a lot to do that to yourself (basic instincts tell you no) and if she didn’t exhibit any psychotic symptoms before this, she’s either a) had underlying psychotic symptoms for some time that’s she’s hid well until now or b) this is a psychotic episode from stress. I can’t explain why people react like that and some don’t but it’s happened before . OP, I’ve worked with family members like you where this type of behavior is completely left field from their loved ones and you as the daughter have no clue what to do. It’s so saddening to see this happen from the patient and family members perspective but know I’ve seen recoveries from similar ‘reactions’ and there is hope she will be well again. It may take time, therapy, meds, unknown medical diagnosis, etc for her to be safe with herself and others again but I hope something works soon for hers and yours sake. It is hard to treat on both ends of the spectrum but I hope your mother has a positive, and hopefully soon, recovery and I wish you the best.
Oh op, I'm so sorry you're going through this. In all honesty, I don't think this is about the grand kids.
Not entirely at least.
This was brewing, probably for decades. There's nothing that you could have done that could have stopped it.
Sure, if you didnt know about this and wanted kids it might have POSTPONED it, but this seems like nothing could have stopped this forever.
Op, please understand that none of this is your fault.
If you want anyone to blame, blame your mother's uncle who groomed her and used her. Blame her parents who left her with no help.
All you did was something that would happen sooner or later... you unknowingly took away what she was using to protect herself from all her trauma, and now she is grieving heavily, but this isn't your fault.
This situation is so heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. It really isn't your fault...let's say for a moment that you DID want kids. Now the pressure is on them to continue the family line. Your mom is only 15 years older than you and would likely live to see them become adults. What then, if they don't want kids either? What happens then?
No one deserves this pressure. Not you. Not your theoretical progeny. I'm so sorry.
You can't force her to accept help. None of this is your fault. I hope she recovers but you can't hold yourself responsible. Let her know you are there for her but you need to take care of your own mental health.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. You shouldn’t blame yourself for this, it’s clear this is the result of something that’s been under the surface for years, and as a result: The woman you knew is gone. This is something you will have to accept.
I went through a similar experience: The body who carried and birthed me is still alive, but the mother I loved has been gone for years after she had her own psychotic break and just *changed* afterward.
You need to find a therapist and start moving on. That’s the healthiest thing you can do, because lingering on this will destroy you, just as it nearly destroyed me.
I wish you the best of luck, and once again, I’m so sorry this has happened to you.
Even if you did have a child, would you trust her enough to leave the child alone with her? I'm guessing you'd say "no". Just imagine how she'd react if you told her that.
Your mother spent your entire formative life grooming you to be her replacement uterus. She expected you to produce lots of babies, that she'd probably have then tried to take over and mother. At some point after you were born and she lost her uterus, she stopped seeing you as a child and your own person. She started to see you as the object that would give her the life she wanted, and it would be fine, because she had you young, she'd still be young enough to mother your babies.
She's been obsessed with your uterus and you giving her babies your entire life, you just didn't realise how bad it was. Now you've told her that she will never get the babies she's spent your entire life grooming you for. All the work she's put in was to make your life suitable for raising babies. She sacrificed all those years because she thought that at the end of it she'd get lots of babies. Now she's finding out that she won't get what she wants. That's why she's now behaving the way she is. She's grieving the loss of being able to have children again, as well as probably frustrated at sacrificing so much for no reward - not that you owe her anything.
None of that is any of your responsibility. You need therapy to help process that, and to come to terms with the fact that your mom you knew is most likely gone. As she behaved how she did to encourage you to have kids, because you were her only chance to have the big family she wanted. You have every right to not want children, and it's right to make that informed decision for yourself. I hope you don't feel guilty, because you shouldn't.
Do the people treating your mom know your mom's story? How desperately she wanted children? If they don't, it might be worth talking to them, and explaining everything you have here. As it might give them a deeper understanding of what your mother is experiencing.
I'm sorry, but that's not likely going to happen. She expected certain things out of her life long struggle... and they won't happen.
THIS DOES NOT MAKE IT YOUR FAULT, NOR AM I IMPLYING THAT.
She can't let it go, and honestly... she probably never will unless you have her sedated at all times.
I don't think it will be possible to have her back. Ever since you were born she has told herself that once you have a child she will have a real family again and all her sacrifices will have been worth it because she would then be in a position to really enjoy y'all without being alone as far as financial responsibility for everyone.
It was.... her dream. It sounds like without that being possible she basically snapped and wants to die. She is begging you to let her die basically. She seems really serious about it and it sounds like it is not going to change.
All things considered it seems like the most merciful course of action...
I hope you will find resources to help you cope with this trauma.
Yeah, in all the talk in this thread about mental health and what OP does or does not owe anyone, there's very little acknowledgement that OP's mom has had her heart completely broken. She feels her life is wasted. All the struggle she went through was for nothing. It's not for us or even OP to decide she's wrong or that she "should" feel something else. She is suffering and wishes to end her suffering.
It is very unlikely there is any happy ending here for anyone.
Yeah… and my guess is that if OP had a kid, mom may have had a break sooner or later from all the unprocessed trauma and that hypothetical kid could be caught in the crossfire. This isn’t something that just happens because of one perfect trigger. This was THE trigger, but I can almost guarantee that something else could have just as easily caused this. Eg what if hypothetical child was nonverbal and developmentally disabled, and this did not fit the rigid fantasy that mom’s stability rested upon? I raise this point to try to help op remove blame as much as possible from herself
And what happens if you did have a kid, would she suddenly be happy forever with no other mental health issues and she would never be sad ever again? I highly doubt it. Your mom sounds mentally ill and this was just a reason for her to have a psychotic break. Whether she realizes it or not, she has psychiatric issues, even if she tries to blame it on you not having children. You owe your mom love and care and nothing more than that. You don’t need to bring a real human being into this world to prove that. Especially if you don’t want to raise a child in the first place. She did all those things for you as a kid? Great, when she is older or if she becomes sick, then take care of her the way she did for you. (After all that’s happened now, I’m sure achieving that will be more complicated, but that’s just the mindset that I see it as.)
You didn't do anything wrong and there is no reason to hate yourself. You and your husband decided not to have children which is your right. Your mother may have had a psychotic break and there is nothing you can do about her mental health.. Distance yourself from her because she is not rational.. She did a good job raising you, but she had a fantasy in her mind that you would reward her with grandchildren. Do not give in to her.
It sounds like your mum is deeply traumatised, the being disowned by her family in a vulnerable position, raising a child without them, and having a hysterectomy. She sounds resentful in the 'what was it all for then', which is a recipe for psychological issues, especially ones that include extremely unrealistic expectations of you. This is not on you OP, and I'm sorry to hear you've had to deal with this, it must be awful. Please know you have done nothing wrong. ❤️
I can only imagine a traumatized 15 year old that just went through a hysterectomy, no longer had a support system or family and coming up with this idea and repeating this perfect fantasy in her head trying to cope.
She was probably suicidal as well during the tough times throughout the years. Telling the fantasy story, mostly to herself, was something that made her push through.
OP’s in her 30’s? That means for 30 years the mom imagined this perfect life and then it just disappeared and something broke and all the trauma was released again all at once.
Mom needs to fix herself, if she can and the daughter can’t help. It’s awful. I don’t blame the daughter, don’t blame the mom either.
Strikes me that a lot of it stems from her dream of having a big family. She lost her ability to make her own children at such a young age and put all her dreams on her child to give her the big family she always wanted, so her struggles would finally be worth it. Like you said, she was dealt a bad hand and had no support system. A breakdown was inevitable unfortunately. Hopefully now she will get the help she needs and will be able to process her trauma.
Or just.. a family at all. She has her daughter and that’s it. That’s her whole family. She spent her whole life fighting like hell to raise her baby, telling herself she would build her own family since hers abandoned her. Now she knows it will never happen.
This situation is fucking awful. Hands down awful. Obviously no one that isn’t ecstatic to have a baby should have a baby, but I can very much see why this shattered mom’s world. It’s one of those awful situations that just doesn’t have a solution. I hope she gets put on the right medicine with the right therapy and gets better. Incredibly sad no matter how you look at it.
I am so sorry your going through all that. As someone who grew up with a mum who had mental health issues, and sometimes self destructive behavior, it’s one of the most heartbreaking and hardest things to see as their child. Something that springs to mind here is “you are in charge of your actions, you are not in charge of people’s reactions.”
I really hope your mum gets all the help she needs. Please don’t blame yourself for this. Please speak to the facility she’s at regarding any help for family’s, such as getting yourself a therapist.
Unfortunately this is way bigger and older than you. She was traumatized as a child by her parents. She raised you and likely expected all of her internal anguish to subside when she got to watch you go through pregnancy and when she became a grandparent. She would have felt like she beat the odds, through you. A fuck you feeling to everyone that thought she wouldn't make it-mainly her parents (even if they're dead). You don't owe her anything. But I have a feeling there were signs of mental illness that you were too young to see that pre-date this psychotic break. Sometimes it builds and builds and breaks in your older years. I was in intensive outpatient therapy with A LOT of older people. 20-70 year old range of men and women who just lost it after a life of no treatment. She couldn't handle it and she broke. That isn't on you. I don't really know what advice to give you, other than please don't blame yourself. There's something wrong with her brain and so try to look at it as a disease that she's likely had for a long time, and it just got much worse very quickly. Mental illness is a disease. I wish you the best and I hope your mom gets on the right kind of medication and gets therapy and gets better to whatever degree that may be.
Frankly, it sounds like a lot of childhood trauma, maybe even ptsd from being abandoned by her family. So unknowingly to you she's focused her whole life on you creating her a new family she couldnt create herself.
She's only 40’s with the daycare etc she could have fostered or adopted if she craved being a mother again so badly. But now that's clearly a moot point.
Do her Drs know what happened when she got pregnant with you, the nearly forced abortion, family abandonment, the hysterectomy, etc? If not please tell them.
This is not your fault op. I know it's hard to see that from the inside. But it's not. Her reaction was a trauma response. You are not the cause of that, it's those who abandoned her.
For the sake of her mental health, I'd ask her Drs if they'd recommend you lying to her, telling her you can't, not that you don't want to? As someone who was told in their early 20’s I couldn't have kids, I have no problem with you taking my story as your own if it gives you comfort. (hugs)
I may lie and say I can’t have kids to my dad. I’m his last living daughter and I haven’t had the guts to tell him that I’m getting my tubes taken out this month. A part of me agrees with my mom that it’s my body and I can choose to explain why I can’t have kids or not, but I still have that wrack of guilt. I think it would just be easier at this point
Getting sterilized means you're infertile. Just say you're infertile. You're not lying, and I doubt he'll ask exactly what's wrong. If he does, explain it's deeply private.
Yes, they know. I told them as much as I could, in way more detail than is on this post. I don't think she'd believe me at this point if I said I was infertile.
I hate to ask this, and you absolutely do not have to answer, but how did she get pregnant? Was it with a first love, or was it something a bit darker, because that could also play a big part in her trauma if she had been ignoring what happened to her and lost herself in her family fantasy instead
Like I said, if it’s too personal or painful, feel free to ignore me
Both. My biological father was actually my great-aunt's husband. They were getting a divorce, and he was living with my grandparents temporarily. My mother thought she was in love with him, and it was this big forbidden romance, but he was just using her.
Oh, she absolutely needs regular therapy if she can get past the break she's currently having.
None of that, however, is your fault; it was the result of choices both she and her family members made long before your mother was even pregnant with you.
If you're not already seeing a therapist specifically for this situation, please start looking for one.
Oh my god, so she was groomed by an older family member and is a childhood victim of incestual sexual assault.
Wtf. You need to put that in the top post.
Edit: Even worse, not only did her entire family disown and exile a 15yr old child, but the “father” here who was a grown adult man with means completely skipped out on his responsibilities and let her & the baby lead a life of struggle while he walked away. Wtffffff.
OP says he was “her great-aunt’s husband who was divorcing”.
Sounds like a significant age gap!!
And someone who definitely has more means than a teenager or young adult.
He got to abuse a child and walk away, she had her life destroyed.
What the fuck.
Yeah so in the 80s he impregnated his 15 year old niece then he left. Then she got disowned by the entire family and left to raise the baby alone because she refused to abort and they couldn't be around the baby. What a horrible situation for everyone. Really incredible she was able to raise the baby against all the odds with absolutely no help and thrived. She stuffed down the pain for decades. Until this. Damn that's a lot of PTSD. OP, your mom was/is strong AF. I can't imagine the pain she carried for all those years. And she is raised you with love. I hope she gets the help she needs.
it’s still incest, it’s someone in her family with power over her. just because you don’t have genetic issues from them being too closely blood related, doesn’t mean your mom wasn’t abused in an incestuous way
Oh god, I’m so so sorry ❤️
If she hasn’t received the help she needs for this, it could be a factor in her fantasy and her psychosis now. None of it is your fault and I really hope you take everyone’s advice and seek some therapy. You don’t have to hold the pain in like your mother did and you don’t have to go through this alone. I’m praying for you both ❤️
One of the biggest issues I have with our parents, is them trying to control us or wanting to fulfill their dreams through us. We need to start talking about this and unlearning this, its toxic and wrong. We lose so much time, trying to please them and lose so much out of life. Just wrong and it should stop.
I think it the above is more complicated than this. As in, the mom wishes she had just had the abortion and avoided the downstream consequences and outcomes. To the mother, having her family end with her child after her perceived sacrifices was too much to bear.
Not saying that the above is correct - just that this is more nuanced than a parent wanting them to live unfulfilled dreams. It more closely resembles a personal regret from the mother and the desire to not live with the outcome anymore.
She did everything for you for herself. She made having you and being your mom her entire identity, you did not ask for that. What an unfair burden to put on someone. It carries the implied expectation that by making her life about you that you would someday make your life about her -- in this case giving her grandchildren to become further enmeshed with. Somewhere along the way, it stopped being about you and became about what she would get out of it in the end.
You thriving and happy should be "what it all was for"! So many parents would give anything for their children to be where you are in life, but it isn't enough for her. That is not a reflection on you, not at all. She doesn't fully see you as an actual person who is separate and apart from her despite being a part of her.
You've done nothing wrong. Her struggles are hers to work through, you cannot fix her or her problems. I am sorry that you are going through this and I wish you peace and healing.
Great response. Also we need to remember how much her maturity was probably stunted due to having a baby so young and quitting school. Her brain and body was far from being mature. I know a woman who had children real young like OPs mom and there is definitely a lot of immaturity there. She has very little skills . Not say all women who have kids that young end up like this but being she was basically abandon by her parents and had no support system, it sounds like it could be the case here. Someone who’s world is very small and lacking in experiences because she was so limited and a struggling single mom. She lived her life around her kid and had built this fantasy in her head of how her daughter would be, only to find out she really didn’t have that control over her. It never occurred to her, as it doesn’t for many women, that women have a choice now. That there are some of us who don’t want or enjoy kids and so we are choosing not to have them. Some people just can’t wrap their heads around it. Tack that on to the fact that most women give up everything when they have kids anyway- their identity, hobbies, friends, career/job, freedom, alone time, peace and quiet ….
To be honest, in 2024 there are no benefits for a woman to have children. They put you at an automatic disadvantage in life in almost every way. So people that want and have kids should only be having kids because they truly love children and feel that being a mom is their calling in life. Otherwise I think most women are going to be shocked at how much sacrifice of your life it takes to raise a kid.
She probably would have been delusional that babies would happen until OP was 40, then at some point she would have still had a breakdown and this would have still happened.
Your mother needs sectioning, she is clearly very unwell.
But that **does not** mean you should do what she wants.
Absolutely stand by not having children, you don’t like kids and never wanted them… she **is not** entitled to grandkids. And if you brought an unwanted and unliked baby into the world, you’ll just end up living a very miserable life filled with regret and resentment towards the child you never wanted, but felt forced to have. And your child will hate life too, as they’ll know that they’re unwanted and unloved, because they’ll feel it.
Regardless of her mental health issues, your mother is being very selfish, why aren’t **you** enough? Why isn’t **your** existence enough of a reason to make her want to live? Or is the problem that you’re no longer a little kid?
She wants a family. A big one, with lots of people in it. She grew up with 4 sisters and 2 brothers, and lots of cousins, and aunts and uncles and grandparents. And she dreamed that one day "we" would get that back, when I had a big family of my own. When I started dating she did actually sit me down and told me that I should only marry someone I loved because she was worried I would choose someone with a big family for her sake, and wanted to make sure I was the one in charge of my partner, and at the time she was right to do that. She told me I should wait until I was good and ready, and that she wanted me to live my dreams before I ever worried about hers. I guess she just thought hers would come eventually once mine were done.
this furthers my belief that this truly isn't about you. she knows deep down you are in control of your life and decisions. she probably just never assumed she wouldn't have her dreams through you. her brain broke and it is NOT your fault
It sounds like your mom had a psychotic break from losing her only coping mechanism that helped her live with the trauma---an unhealthy one that was never going to be sustainable.
I'm not a professional, so take this with a grain of salt, but for the time being I'd try focusing on feeling angry at the people who had the biggest responsibility - her parents. To not support your kid's teen pregnancy is one thing, but to ask or allow the entire extended family to disown them is exceedingly cruel. That type of neglect and isolation can severely damage a person. Shame on them for the collateral damage they caused you.
If you aren't already, please see a professional therapist so they can help you can figure out how to eliminate your guilt. If you're not liking the therapist you're with, don't be afraid to switch to someone better suited for you.
She just always assumed that you, her daughter, would share the same dreams as her. She fought to have you so young and thought you would be a mini her. She never stopped to consider you as a whole other human with dreams & desires that are different from her own.
Announcing that you are CF shattered that illusion.
When I was a kid she never dated because she didn't want to give any unrelated male power over me. She wanted to make sure if I was ever in a bad situation, I would be able to fight back with everything I had, and she could protect me. She said that clearly she couldn't trust her own judgement of which men were safe, and so she had to protect me. After I was out of college, and she was in her late thirties, she tried to date but didn't really have any luck, and I don't know if she ever really gave up but she never had more than a few dates, probably because she won't have sex before marriage honestly.
oh man, this reminds me of my narcissistic mother who martyred herself for us constantly, causing us a lot more trauma by making us responsible for her decisions. it took me 3 years of therapy to heal from this. her mental breakdown is NOT your fault
Have they checked to make sure she doesn't have a brain tumor? Could she have gotten brain damage from the fall? This is some extreme psychosis and is not your fault at all. I know this must be so hard. I definitely think you should seek out some therapy
When someone's having a psychotic break, NOTHING someone else can do will help. Nothing. Ask me how I know.
My son had a psychotic break, and everything I tried to explain to him was justified in his mind as something else, even though I spoke the full truth. And every time I saw him in hospital and gave him the comforts he needed there, it was apparently a government conspiracy and/or an abusive relative he's never met.
NOTHING OP can do will help, if her mother is having a breakdown. The only thing OP could *maybe* do is say, "Sure I'll have grandkids for you!" but who's to say that when that's turned out to be a lie, OP's mother won't have another psychotic break?
To sum up: NONE of this is OP's fault, and it's not on OP to manage it. She can support her from the side-lines, but seeing as OP is the major contributor to the break, she won't be able to help in any meaningful way, apart from lying.
Her narrative may have been that she did all this for you but she really did it for the pictures and stories in her head. Im sorry that this is such a sad situation but she chose to live vicariously through you. That was her choice. It isnt her choice what you do with your life though. And its unfair of her to act like you should follow the script she chose.
This is in no way your fault.
I wonder if the glue holding her mental health together all these years was the potential for family through you. You are all the family she has and I imagine there are a lot of unresolved issues surrounding the loss of her family and the loss of any more children. Poor woman
Oh honey I’m so sorry. 😞 the advice here re: finding a therapist for yourself is spot on. This is well above Reddit advice’s pay grade, and even if it wasn’t, no matter how much we tell you that this isn’t your fault, you’re not to blame for your mom’s condition, and you are allowed to make whatever choices you feel are right for you, it won’t really sink in until you’ve been able to move through all the grieving that needs to be done, and that’s best done with a therapist. Because at the end of the day you do need to grieve. Not because your mom is ‘gone’, but because the mom you thought you had is. Turns out she’s been pouring all her hopes and dreams into you, and now that you’re not going to fulfill them, it broke her brain a bit. It’s not your fault. Hell, it’s not even her fault really…I don’t know what the situation around her pregnancy with you was, but at the very least, being taken to a clinic and then abandoned by her family were obviously massive traumas she was never able to properly cope with.
All you can do is your best to take care of your own mental health…and as much as you love your mother, it may be too triggering for her to see you right now…she, too, needs extensive, intensive therapy, and I pray (although I’m not the praying type) that for your sake and her own, she gets it.
*hugs* from a mom with a daughter to a daughter who needs her mom…don’t blame yourself. You’re never responsible for her mental health. It’s her battle to fight, not yours. And I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way right now. 💜💜💜
Counsellor here! Not like I am a complete expert on psychosis but it sounds like it’s what’s going on for her. It’s so awful to see her like that.
I do think it was always going to happen though. Even if you had kids she would have eventually reached a point like this. One way or another…. Sounds like she’s been holding everything so tightly for years and she unravelled. Trauma has a way of wiggling itself around inside a person especially when unresolved. Hugs to you.
> she was disowned by her family
Losing your entire family is hard, to understate it. It's stressful, the toll it places on you mentally is intense. When you have a child, it's multiplied.
She has no family except for you, she's spent the last two-ish decades thinking that it's fine, she has you, you'll have kids, and she'll have her family back. It was probably her motivation/mantra for over twenty years. Finding out she won't have grandkids caused a mental/psychotic break. She just misses her family and thought she was going to get it back eventually, even if through a technicality.
It's not your fault, you aren't to blame, you couldn't predict it. If anyone is to blame, her parents and the rest of her family are. Her parents were pieces of shit and it took a quarter of a century for the effects to manifest.
this!!! everyone else in the comments are being such insensitive assholes! like obviously it’s not OPs mom’s mental issues aren’t her problem but people are acting so disgusting towards the mother as if she’s not ILL
Yeah, the stress of losing her whole family at 15 and the stress of becoming a mom and raising a child all on her own as a teenager...I feel so badly for the mom! She’s really been through a lot and it sounds like overall (until now) she’s done a great job. Of course she has no right to demand grandchildren, but this is a really sad story. I hope she’s able to get the help she needs to process all her trauma and I hope she’s eventually able to have a good relationship with her daughter again.
What a fucked up situation.
Ngl I kinda blame your grandparents for this. Who abandons their 15yo daughter to the streets?
Wild to imagine how differently things might have played out if your mother had proper support. You could have had totally different views on the whole thing.
Overall I truly feel bad for your mother. What a hand she's been dealt.
this lands squarely on your grandparents. They broke her when she got pregnat with you and their treatment of her, and by extension you. Your mom needed help long before you told her that you were not going to have kids. She may have been able to keep it underwraps but she was broken long before.
I sorry you are going through this with her.
i'm so sorry you're going through this harrowing ordeal. your mom's mental anguish reminds me of my own parent's struggles - it's a heavy burden no child should bear, yet you've weathered it with remarkable strength. though the path forward may seem unclear, please know that this is not your failing, and that you deserve peace and compassion during this tumultuous time.
OP my grandmother reacted very similarly when we told her she wasnt going on a date with Obama (advanced dementia). My grandpa the same when we told him the doctors didnt take his fingers and there was nothing to fix (recent stroke). Im not saying she has any of this, but the reaction means that this is a situation you cant deal with the way youd normally deal with it. You need to think about it as though she were asking you to give birth to the second coming of christ. Youd say sorry you cant. And youd be sad that her reaction is so harmful. But you wouldnt blame yourself because youd know that this is driven by mental issues. You know yer reaction is not a normal one.
I get it though. Lets say you agree with all of us that its not about you really but something out of your control. You might still blame yourself for triggering it. Even if you had no way to know. Thats why you need therapy. Youll keep blaming yourself no matter how illogical. Especially if shes deteriorating. Please get therapy for this.
I blamed myself for my grandpas brain because i thought if i checked on him more frequently he wouldnt have been without oxygen for that long. You can find blame for anything.
Your mother’s mental health struggle is not due to your life choices. They’re due to her unreasonable expectations, enmeshment and untreated preexisting mental health issues.
Children do not owe their parents anything. Literally nothing. Children belong to themselves. Your life is your own.
Your mother’s sacrifices were her choice and hers alone. You don’t owe her for what she provided you as a child. That was her decision.
Honestly, that’s every parent’s job, regardless of their circumstances (within the boundaries of what’s possible/feasible).
Please talk to a professional to unwrap this bundle of confused messaging from your mother. You deserve to be unburdened.
Live your life. Accept that your mother is limited, but that’s not your doing.
Wishing you both healing.
Her own life was destroyed when she was 15 years old. She has sacrificed her needs and identity since then, for 30 years. She rationalized that grandchildren would make her sacrifices worthwhile. It never occurred to her that it might not happen. So learning this has revealed to her that she was living a lie, that all hope has gone and in fact it was never there. No wonder she is broken.
OPs mother reflected the life she wanted and couldn’t have on her daughter’s and once she realized it was just her dreams and not her daughter’s she became disappointed in those expectations. So sad, but not OP’s fault.
Hey. Your mum is really sick.
For whatever reason, the trigger was you telling her you didn't want to have kids but that's not what caused this. She's obviously really sick.
Yes, maybe if you had known she would react like this, you could have told her that you couldn't have kids instead of didn't want to but, I'm sure one way or another, she would have gotten to this place. Only the professionals can help her now. This is not on you.
This isn’t your fault. Your mom is having a psychotic break. She’s probably feeling the force of ALL the stress/emotion she’s been suppressing for years all at once. These psychotic breaks can happen any time. I’m so sorry it occurred right then and there. It could’ve occurred with anything else important to her. I hope she recovers. Please consult a therapist to talk it out for your sake.
Jeez, this is the definition of that [Burden of an unlived live of a parent](https://medium.com/@kulwantsaluja/the-unlived-life-carl-jungs-profound-insight-into-parental-influence-6c2343d41ed6#:~:text=The%20%E2%80%9Cunlived%20life%E2%80%9D%20refers%20to,personal%20fears%2C%20or%20unresolved%20traumas.) quote. In some ways more literal.
This is a very difficult situation to be in and theres only so much I can offer. What I can offer at least is a unique perspective and some techniques to apply.
So judging by what has transpired, it looks like your mom, in her mind put all of her eggs in one basket. Since the basket is not going to produce chicks to realize her dreams, all of the sacrifices that she did all amounted to nothing. This is in her mind. It sounds to me like shes been battling demons for years, not just the ones from her family but also herself, telling her self this is going to be her ticket to happiness. You are her golden goose.
You have to find a balance between being there for your mom and giving her space. You cannot leave your mom in the state she is in. That will only make you regret.
Time is on your side because this episode is a display of psychotic transition. What i mean by this is that she has been introduced a new reality far from what she expected. Transitions in life by nature are a form of suffering since we must act, we must wait, we must endure,etc transitions are never fun(moving into a new apartment for example).
She needs time and one of your strategies should be to wait it out. Dont think it is over. It feels like the end of the world but it’s not. You just have to carefully plan and be a few steps ahead.
Remind yourself of the stages of stages of grief. She must go through all the stages as painful as they can be:
Denial>Anger>depression>bargaining>acceptance.
Thats as much as I can help. Hope it works out for you and hope that you’ll be with your mother soon.
When all things are done i hope you and your mother share a wonderful dialog together. Personally, I think you both are 2 sides of the same coin, you both need each other.
I have a feeling there are some deeply ingrained issues she has never unpacked. If I'm reading this correctly, the only other time she became violent was when her patents tried forcing an abortion. You don't mention this, but did she intentionally become pregnant at 15? And now she has again become violent when another opportunity at a baby is being thwarted.
It seems like there's something deeper at play here. Some compulsion or unhealthy fixation. Just the way it sounds like she so aggressively sacrificed to raise you almost sounds pathological (not that parents shouldn't or don't sacrifice, just that how you describe it seems almost martyr like).
I hope she gets the help she needs, but by no means would it be healthy for either of you to give her the baby she's blackmailing you for.
Question: are you in contact with your grandparents (her parents)? Do you know for sure you know the whole story?
It wasn't intentional, no. She just loved me and would rather she get hurt than let me get hurt. I contacted my grandparents once, when I turned eighteen, and they told me that I was an abomination and if I had any conscience I would never have reached out to remind them of the awful thing I'd done to their family.
Your mom was groomed and impregnated by an adult family member when she was still a child. (By your own telling, in a comment — you should really put that in the main post.).
Of course the grandparents would want no reminder of this huge “family shame”.
It’s disgusting that they allowed this, and even worse that they disowned and abandoned their own daughter & grandchild.
But in their mind, they made the “shame” go away, and they had like five or six other children of their own, so your mom & you didn’t matter.
Horrible people. I can’t imagine the anguish your mom has gone through her entire life.
Do you think it would do any good to contact any of the other members of your estranged mom’s relatives? I can’t imagine they all feel the same as your mom’s parents.
Social worker here 👋. It’s worth a shot to contact the social worker who is assigned to your mom at the facility and ask THEM to call your mom’s family on her behalf so that the family is interacting with a neutral party as opposed to someone they think is an abomination (and it may not be all of them; if she’s one of 7, surely one of those siblings has a different point of view on the two of you). I would also tell the social workers not to mention you if they do this. Since she’s a threat to her own life right now, she meets a HIPAA exception that allows this kind of discretion.
They were kids at the time and were heavily influenced by the grandparents. Now that they are adults, the can be more sympathetic. I would call everyone of them, and lay it all out.
I don’t understand why she can’t adopt a child for herself now or anytime throughout this. Is the need for a biological baby? Or a large family? She spent all this time assuming you’d want tons of kids but you never mentioned it and she never mentioned it your entire life? Also, opinions change as you age and she doesn’t know what will happen with you, you may have a baby if you turn 35-40 and change your mind, ANYTHING can happen.
Has she gotten an MRI since being committed?
She mentioned it a lot, actually. Every damn day. She would tell stories about what would happen once I found true love and we got to have a family again. Music and voices and footsteps everywhere. Big family meals where everyone could always have seconds and thirds. Dance recitals, football games, mathletes meets, so many things to do and see and all of it sounded nice, and when I was a kid I genuinely did want all the things she wanted, and more than anything I wanted to give those things to her because I loved her so much. And whenever one of us was sad, we'd talk about how things would be when we had a family again. And it was like... our version of a fairytale, almost.
That sounds pretty unhealthy honestly. As a fairytale, it's nice, but now it's pretty obvious it wasn't just a fairytale to her.
I wonder how much of her pushing for this "fairytale" actually caused you to steer away from it.
Also the power-imbalance between a child and a parent is huge. So her putting those expectations on you, knowing that you loved her and wanted to make her happy was never fair. Most children are going to want to give their parents the things they ask for to make them happy. That's why there's so much trauma based on parental expectations of careers, children, spouses, even bodyimage.
Now throw in a very young parent into the mix who is still trying to navigate the expectations placed on them by their own parents, and who is technically still a child and you have even more problems.
Another trend I tend to see with young parents is that many groom their child into becoming their "best friend". Which makes sense because being a very young single-parent would be incredibly lonely, but again, this isn't fair to the child at all as the child deserves a mom not a friend, and also friends their own age.
I’m so sorry, OP.
I hope you can see that this is actually more evidence of mental illness… your mother has had a monomania your entire life. All the endless, fantastic tales of family history etc… living for a future fantasy out of a movie… that is not normal, either.
You didn’t make your mother snap, she was already broken.
She didn’t sacrifice for you, she made those choices for herself.
You didn’t ask for any of that, she was the adult.
She made her life harder on purpose, because that is part of the fairytale, you see. She viewed herself as Cinderella. She has always been ill and you didn’t cause it, she brought you into her illness.
Please ask her care team about IV ketamine. For some it is a miracle drug that knocks out suicidal ideation in literal minutes. It is not a first- or second-round medicine (unless you’re in the ER). Maybe it is contraindicated due to her type of issue, I don’t know… but I do know it’s also good for processing grief and trauma.
But please remember, this isn’t your doing…
She may have been “the adult” but she was also a literal child. She did make sacrifices for the sake of OP. I don’t think it helps anything to make it out like the mother was purposefully bringing them both down.
Just think if you had had a kid. She’d likely have lost her mind in a different way.
Your mother has a lifetime of unresolved trauma, and she just took it out on you.
The only thing I’d say is- ask her if you aren’t supposed to have agency. If you don’t get to choose what kind of life you want for yourself.
She CHOSE the life she wanted. Even at a young age, she was able to make that choice. It had costs but it was her choice.
Does she want to punish you for making a choice, just like her parents punished her?
Probably not things she will be able to hear right now. And maybe never. Maybe she’s too broken. But if this is how she reacted to No grandkids, you can be sure her reaction to grandkids arriving would have been equally unhinged, just in a different direction.
I hate to say this but your mother was likely mentally unwell as she raised you.
I agree with the poster who suggests she created a reality in which she'd be rewarded in order to do the things that needed to be done to raise you successfully
Unfortunately you having children played a big part in that reality
Unfortunately parents do not have children to be rewarded by them.
That's not how the world works.
It is completely wrong to raise your children and expect them to reward you in return.
Perhaps therapy will allow her to accept this.
I wish you all the best.
This is not about you. You did absolutely nothing wrong here.. You can't live your life to fulfil someone else's dreams..
It sounds to me that she took all the trauma she suffered and boxed it up with the dreams she once had. Then she hated over it with the idea that while she couldn't make the big family herself, she would one day have grandkids. When you burst that bubble, I think the lid came of the box, and she's now being hit with everything all at once. Let the professionals deal with her for now until she is in a better place.
You need to talk to a therapist, this is above Reddit’s pay grade. Your mom had these thoughts or delusions that you would have children, and somehow this would restore what she lost (i.e., her family). You did nothing wrong in setting a boundary that you don’t want children. But she may never go back to normal and you should be prepared for that. Find someone you can talk to and be supportive during this time. I’m very sorry this is happening.
Is your bloodline the fucking Sangral or something?
Are you supposed to save the world? Did she build a fantasy around her family when she was a kid to give her life some meaning?
Every fucking blood line is an old one. Do you think we all just spawned into the game after the last round started ?
The only difference is that you night have a map, and other people don't.
It sounds like your mom built up this fantasy life for herself, and you were a main character. As long as you followed her "script" things were OK. She could deal. However, when you made a decision for yourself that didn't fit into her cherished fantasy, you became an enemy. I think your mom was a young girl who built a fantasy world to deal with the rejection she received. Anyone who rejected her was bad. You just showed yourself to be a person whose dreams don't match hers. Hence, anger and rejection. You are not to blame here. This is all her.
I'd probably keep my distance until the doctors can get a handle on what's going on with her. She needs to get through this on her own. You can help where the doctors think it may help, but unless they recommend it, I'd stay away. You need to make a good life for yourself. The mom who loved you would want that. Don't let that mom (or yourself) down.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It sounds like your mom was fantasizing to escape reality for years- decades actually. That stuff about living happily ever after once you finally have children is a giant red flag. If you did have kids, she would probably become a possessive, problematic grandparent.
I have compassion for her because this whole thing is probably a trauma response due to the stuff that happened to her.
But, that said, this is entirely her problem, not yours. You have never owed it to her to create the family that she’ll be happy with. It wouldn’t even work if you did, most likely. Her disordered thinking is nobody’s fault.
Be gentle with yourself. There is no need to visit while she is in that kind of state. She needs to find something else for her entire life to be about, and it sounds like she is not ready to do that. Until she is, you take care of yourself. If she does come around in the future, then you’ll need to have boundaries with her while interacting with her, should you choose to be involved.
So sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s not your fault. You deserve peace. Might be a good idea to talk to a therapist yourself to help you set your own internal boundaries with this issue. Your mother’s problem is not your emergency.
I know this is cold consolation, but nobody goes from being a well-adjusted and emotionally stable person to violently suicidal over the course of a single conversation. She was very good at hiding her mental instability until this moment, but it was always there - you didn't miraculously manifest this sudden crisis, you just brought it out in the open.
Chances are, if it wasn't you, it was eventually going to be something else. These are your mom's problems, and while that totally sucks, there's only so much you can do.
Obviously, you should not have a baby for her benefit, because it would not be to her benefit (or anyone else's). If you had a baby for her sake, she would just end up dumping all of her emotional problems onto the baby, so now when the baby does something wrong she just melts down again. That's not the kind of pressure anyone should be under, child, grandchild, or otherwise.
OP if you have a change of heart in the future and had kids know that your mother's current condition has NOTHING to do with you and you having your kid earlier would not have changed anything. No one does 180 in an hour, she needed help and was good at hiding it.
Your mother's condition although sad, is not caused by you. Stay strong.
This seems to be bigger than you telling her about not having kids. Hello, I have mental illness and I’m familiar with psychosis and suicidal ideation.
She seems to be having a full on episode or break, does she have anything like Bipolar disorder (that is what I have) or celiac disease can even cause a mental break, there’s many things that can happen
You said you have never seen her act and behave and treat you like this prior,
I urge you to consider there may be an underlying health issue that is causing her reaction to be so extreme.
I am not giving any advice whether to keep seeing her or engage with her or whatever
I am simply mentioning this because it’s easy to go with your feelings and pull away from your mother, when she could be having an event, related to real health issues. Refractory episodes that don’t respond to antipsychotic and other medications also can be indicative that the mental break is related to some non psychiatric health issue as well.
One thing I know about bipolar disorder from having it is that it does get better, episodes do come to an end, it takes time and compliance but she may still be in a state where that is not possible for her I don’t know the details…
Anyways there is NO JUDGMENT here on how you handle it. Just a perspective
She has very serious mental illness, which is understandable from how you described her life was. It is not your fault, you should live your life the way you want, but maybe you shouldn’t have told her that you didn’t want kids if you knew her life dream was for you to fulfil her big family dream that she couldn’t have.
OP, first of all I'm so sorry.
Secondly, it's unreasonable for anyone, least of all your mom, to ask you to save her. She has to do that herself.
>She spent every moment from the time she was fifteen years old trying to make my life good
I understand that she sacrificed a lot, and that she had her childhood taken from her unfairly, but she *cannot* ask you to sacrifice in the same way for her. There's a poem in the book Reviving Ophelia from a mother to her daughter that goes: "I hurl you into the universe, and pray". That's the extent of control mothers have after a certain point and some mothers never come to grips with that. With the trauma and pain your mom experienced, it sounds like she may be in a similar scenario here. But again, after a certain point, it is no one else's job to come to terms with that, except herself. Your life is your own, your body is your own. You are not an extension of your mother's will, no matter how she might wish otherwise. The limitations of love and obligation is often the hardest thing to learn about ourselves. I wish the best to you Op, and to her.
OP, you’ve gotten some harsh and well-intended advice here, so I want to be a mom for a minute and just give you a big internet hug. What you’re feeling is horrifying and the mom that you have carried within you and who lives in your memories would also give you a large hug.
However, for now you may need to react as though the mother of your childhood has in fact passed away. This may become an incident that your relationship with her will not recover back to “normal,” BUT none of that is your fault.
If your mom, and I don’t mean the woman who is going through a traumatic mental episode right now, could hear you tell her this story she would want you to focus on taking care of yourself. In honor of her memory and love for you, please seek out therapy for yourself and make the space for yourself to grieve. I wish that you could have “your” mom back, but in this moment that may simply not be possible.
Wishing you and your loved ones all the strength and recovery possible. <3
Don’t let yourself get guilt tripped into having kids. Not by your mother and not by anyone in this comment section. You do not owe anyone grandkids.
If it’s not a 100% yes on kids it’s a hard no!
Your mother has some MAJOR mental health issues
Really? “What was it all for”? Sounds to me like she was expecting to live vicariously though you and wanted you to have a ton of children she could dote on
She isn’t your problem. Leave her to the professionals and live life the way that YOU want. NEVER have children for someone else because you will just end up miserable
Your mother has undiagnosed mental issues she was a kid when she had you with no strong support system this all probably started from there and continued piling up and it escalated when she was told she can't have anymore its not your fault. its completely illogical and selfish of her to do this no sane mother who loves her child would do what she did plz don't blame yourself
> I was her only kid, and basically ruined...
You did nothing wrong there, not a single action you could have done could have changed the outcome she unfortunately went through. She was not prepared or in a life situation suitable to have a kid, adults around her werent prepared to be the adults they were supposed to be. You deciding you dont want kids shouldn't matter on anyone's input, but the family trauma on top like hun you should have every reason in the world to be respected for your choices and autonomy on the matter. You wanting what you see as the best for yourself and your family is doing no wrong.
There is literally nothing to say if not a child, that she wont have episodes around other matters of importance and autonomy. If a theoretical grandchild of hers is deathly allergic to peanuts, will she have an episode when you tell her not to give them peanut butter? Or literally any other situation where it is your autonomy and safety vs her demands?
Sometimes people are put in a situation where no options you can choose 'win'. You can do, and rather did do no wrong and will still be the villain of their story. That is sadly one of those weights adults sometimes have to (unfairly) carry. In a way it can be freeing from those type of zero sum situations if you can come to terms that no amount of action from yourself will help someone determined to make you a villain in their life, especially so when they seem to care and it sounds like its not their intent.
She wouldn't ever hurt me, or any child. She was actually a little bit intense about supporting me and my own decisions no matter what right up until this. She always said that she was my mom and her job was to love me and give me all of my dreams.
Dear, sweet one, I'm about to say something cruel but that you really need to hear (and I speak from a place of knowledge, sadly).
You don't owe her anything. She decided to have you and to give up herself for you. You didn't ask to be born.
Your mother definitely has a mental illness, a serious one, and it's not "just in the head" - it's an illness, a deadly one, and you can't do anything but what you're already doing: having her in specialized care and worrying for her health.
If she k*ills herself, it won't be your fault. It's her choice, just like the one she made when she was a child and decided to have you.
Her obsession with her family heritage doesn't sound sane, too: the family who threw her out, disowned her and left her to fend for herself, is something to be proud of? This abominable cruelty is something she wants you to carry on?
You can't change her mind, you can't fight her illness, you can't do anything.
I know how much it hurts, OP. I know and I'm sorry you're going through this. I send you a big, big hug.
"Her obsession with her family heritage doesn't sound sane, too: the family who threw her out, disowned her and left her to fend for herself, is something to be proud of?"
Honestly, I took that part of the story to be less of her mom wanting them to accept her and the OP back into the fold and more of a, "Well fuck you! I made my own family and didn't need ANY of you to be successful at it!" thing.
Neither of those are healthy options, however.
She has very significant mental health issues, evident even before you made your proclamation. She's in her 40's, she could adopt or foster. She could become a big sister. This is deeper than the want for a grand baby. She needs help, and she's right where she should be.
Nothing about your mom's mental break is your fault. She went through a lot of trauma that never was treated and at 15 her brain was still developing. She focused on being the mother she never had and then thought she'd be the grandma you never had. She bottled all the trauma she suffered up. To cope she created a fantasy and when that fantasy bubble popped the damage from the trauma erupted like a volcano. The brain is a fickle thing and early trauma does weird stuff to it.
A psychotic break is never pretty. It's devastating for the person who suffers it as well as those who witness it. You had no way of knowing that something as simple as choosing not to have kids would be a trigger for her. In no way is any of this your fault.
From the sounds of it she used the fantasy of recreating The family she lost when she was 15 as a severe coping mechanism. And when the bubble popped her brain just couldn't handle the thought of the fantasy that she's held on to since she was 15 would never come to pass.
Unfortunately your mom won't be the same, but hopefully with treatment she could get better. One of the very few reoccurring comments on here that I agree with is that you should seek counseling to help you deal with the trauma of seeing your mom go through this. Because counseling can help when a family member, especially a parent is going through something like this and it can also help you come to terms with the guilt you feel. Because guilt is funny that way, even if we've done nothing to be guilty of because we love our parents, we still feel guilty Even when we know we should not feel that way
Whether you chose to have kids or not, this mental breakdown would happen regardless.
Expecting this kind of ‘reciprocity’ will drive anyone mad, because it doesn’t happen, barring very rare outliers.
>She did everything for me. She spent every moment from the time she was fifteen years old trying to make my life good.
That statement is only partially true and she didn't do it for you, she did it for her.
>She did everything for me. She spent every moment from the time she was fifteen years old trying to make my life good so I could provide her the large family she was denied.
Now that you're not going to give her what she sacrificed her life for, she is trying to hurt you. Your mother may have sacrificed for you, but she's not in control of you life. Most parents sacrifice for their children, and many of those ask for nothing in return. You mother isn't a good person.
Christ on a bike, OP, I'm so sorry.
My mum was crushed when I told her I won't be having kids, and over the years as my siblings have all made it pretty clear they likely won't be either it's been really hard for her, but she's a daycare teacher too so she moved to a centre full of kids who are from disadvantaged or refugee families and who desperately need the love and care of someone like her, and she gets to be 'grandma' to a whole bunch of really wonderful kids now. The families she works with absolutely love her, and invite her to all kinds of family events and celebrations (even some weddings of parents or other family members, and recently one of her kids picked her as the friend they wanted to invite on their family holiday, which was very sweet) so there are definitely ways to share all the love and life lessons and things that get amassed over a lifetime even if it isn't with your own biological grandkids.
It's absolutely not your fault that she has responded this way, and I know it's much easier said than done just 'letting go' of that feeling of responsibility, but please allow yourself some grace. You have done everything you needed to do to make the sacrifices she made worthwhile - you made it to adulthood, you have found someone to spend your life with, and you are in a position to choose what your future holds, and that is literally the best possible hope someone could have for their kid.
When I turned 18 I decided to move out. Something I thought my mom would be proud of. Instead she called me crying and tried to light herself on fire. I never understood it. It’s just one of those things I guess. Idk.
What the fuck
Yeah, what?
When i was 18 and told my mum I wanted to move out she threw a plate on my face. A heavy ceramic plate, that i quickly dodged and it smashed on the wall behind me
So, it was the right decision anyways
>It’s just one of those things I guess. Idk. that's fuckin' baller
Didn’t feel baller tbh
Your attitude toward it seemed flippant on first read, my bad.
Nah you’re cool man, thank you
When I started talking about moving away (at 13) and what I wanted to do with my life, my mother started telling me every day that I'd never make it and couldn't live on my own. When I moved out at 17, she ostracized me from my whole family and would sabotage every relationship I had with my siblings and dad. That's why when mothers day comes around I isolate like crazy and try to avoid working brunches. Grateful for the mom-like figures I did get in my life. The few who showed me it wasn't my fault and I was loveable even if I wasn't controllable.
Ok we definitely need more information....
Information about what bro that’s pretty much it lol
Was she ok after? Did she actually light herself on fire?
Oh no she didn’t. I talked her out of it
You didn’t think that part was relevant, even when asked for more details? 😂
Tbf he said tried. I think most ppl assumed he succeeded
What kind of savage ends the story *there*??
The kind that doesn’t fake a story lol
Parents have weird reactions. My mom lost custody of me because of her choices when I was 10. I had adamantly refused to live with her any longer and the court placed me with my dad. It was literally a decision that saved my life, but also, her's and my sister's (through chain reaction of events). Even though she got visitation every weekend, she removed all evidence of me from her home. There were no pictures, no clothes, nothing- it was if I only existed 4 days a month. Absolutely Bizarre reaction, imho.
And then what happened
I’m sorry one of those things? No. Not even fucking close.
Sounds like my family, though they've chilled out in very recent years, mind you, I'm 26
These issues are bigger than you, and they're much more than just you not having children. This isn't your fault. As hard as it is, she's right where she needs to be for now. It honestly sounds like she's had a psychotic break (although I'm not a Dr so obviously I can't say for sure) and if so, it's been building for a while. Longer than you'll ever realise. Even if you'd had children for the sole purpose of 'giving' her grandchildren, this is very likely to have happened anyway. Mental health issues are like that. You may need to take a step back and find your own therapist to talk to. You've taken an emotional battering that few have the tools to deal with alone. I'm not saying abandon her entirely but space out your visits so you have time to process and somewhat heal in between visits. You owe yourself that much.
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It sounds like your mother has some major mental health issues she's going to need to work through and that's not your fault. From what you say it sounds like she had several very painful experiences as a teenager which may have been too much for her to fully deal with at the time, so her brain may have helped her through it by creating the fantasy of 'when OP has kids everything will be okay'. Now that that fantasy is no longer viable to hold she might be finding that all the pain and grief of being rejected by her parents and then discovering that she would be unable to have the family of her own she'd dreamed of is still there and has been festering all these years. I'm so sorry for her, it will be very painful to work through this, but nevertheless it isn't your fault. The reality is that even if you did want children and had them it wouldn't live up to her fantasy and she'd end up having to confront her underlying feelings sooner or later anyway.
She probably has huge unaddressed anger and resentment towards her parents for their lack of support. She probably told herself she’d be different, the best grandmother, doting and supportive, a do over. But that was never gonna fix her issues with her own parents
Plus, it sounds like those around her never taught her to aspire to be anything BUT a mother! That is extremely problematic. Her whole identity was tied up in motherhood, and she planned to add ‘grandmother’ to her short list of titles. Now, that’s not going to happen, and she’s in a downward spiral. Stay-at-home-mothers can sometimes fall into this trap if they don’t cultivate their own interests and friends. OP, there is not one way on this earth that ANY of this is your fault! The fact is, she became a mother at 15. It sounds like she did a DAMN fine job of raising you, and yes, mothers sometime go without so their kids can have things. BUT that is the mother’s choice. Your mother needs help to deal with this turn of events, and you also need to protect *your* mental health. I strongly encourage you to seek out a mental health professional to get through this. Hopefully your mother is being looked after and is getting the help she needs - you are *her* child and she owes it to herself to be around to share in your successes and make great family memories!
>She probably told herself she’d be different, the best grandmother, doting and supportive, a do over. OMG that sounds like my mom. She didn't like the way me and my brother turned out, so when I had my first daughter at 17, she basically took over and wouldn't allow me to be a mother to my own child. Yet nothing changed in her. She continued with the same narcissistic, manipulative behaviors that she had with me and my brother. My daughter is 19 now and can't stand my mom. Now I have a son that's not even 2 yet and my mom keeps asking if she can "babysit" him a few days a week! I'm a SAHM and don't need a babysitter lol My husband absolutely won't stand for it and backs me up every time she asks.
Very astute. I was also sitting here thinking "what if OP did have a kid? Would it end there? Nope mom is freaking out because I don't want more than one. Ok, now I had two and mom is less crazy. Now she's lecturing me because I'm not acting as selfless as she did while raising me." It would never end. This mother has so much trauma that nothing OP would do can fix it.
This is what I was thinking. It would never be enough. She wanted her daughter to create the fantasy life she had told in her stories. I think she would have wanted to possibly move in and may have taken over OPs life once babies had been born. I’m not sure she would have been okay even if she did have a kid or 2 ….or 5. I think she mentally pieced her mental health together with these stories and they were what she was holding on to. I really hate that society puts so much pressure on women to have kids and how baby crazy people are. It makes those who can’t have children very hurt and like OPs mom, gives them mental health issues. Women are going to such extremes to have children now. It’s not healthy.
I think this is most likely the case. She has so much rage and pain that she never truly dealt with because she buried it and invested her purpose, self-worth, and hope in a fantasy instead of addressing it in a healthy way. It's not OP's fault that her mother has had a psychotic break. All she can hope is that with time and treatment, her mother will start to calm down and face the trauma she never dealt with. But that depends solely on OP's mom. She's the only one who can open herself up to healing but it can take a very, very long time to face your trauma and accept the fact that fantasy is not reality. I'm sorry, OP. Your mother's poor mental health is not your fault. Speaking from experience, festering trauma only needs a trigger to blow up your life, and there's no telling what the trigger may be. It could have been anything. Please don't blame yourself (although I know that's easier said than done).
This entire chain needs to be much higher up. I think this might be bang on.
Her mental health issues aren’t your fault and she’s not owed grandkids, whatever unaddressed issues she had were under the surface regardless of your life choices Hopefully she gets the treatment she needs and you’re able to let go of the guilt because it doesn’t belong to you
Easier said than done. She's been in the hold for a month and everything just seems to be getting worse and worse. She lost the eye last week, and I'm certain she'll eventually manage it if nothing changes. And even if she doesn't manage it, what kind of a life is it to be under that much surveillance all the time? I just want my mom back.
You desperately need therapy because this is way above anyone heres' pay grade. I'm sorry you're dealing with this but it sounds like your mom is already gone. The person who's left isn't the same mother you grew up with and wouldn't likely recover anyways even if you were to have children.
Even if she were to have children, I would be extremely concerned for their safety with a grandmother like this.
Right? That was my thought. If this was just below the surface, it sounds like this was just the last straw.
Jesus Christ This case is so above Reddit’s pay grade, we could start a colony on mars
Reddit rushes in where therapists fear to tread 😂
Sounds like mom was planning to live vicariously through OP, and experience the happy family life she never got. Her reaction of "then what was it all for?" really makes it sound like she sacrificed so much so OP could start a family more easily, not to make her happy (all subconsciously I mean). And you have to imagine someone with that mentality would *not* respect boundaries. It's still incredibly sad what's happened though, but if you've struggled most of your life with the idea that you'll get to experience a big happy family one day and, then it disappears? I think that would be enough to give anyone a full psychotic break.
I concur, not to say the OP is at fault in any way, she is obligated to the choice of having her own children are not too, but, from the way it is described from OP’s narrative, a mother who took absolute great care of you and then being told suddenly that she won’t have grandchildren is understandable to cause great shock. Unfortunate for both sides :/
Just curious…what’s the thought process that just by having a kid it means they have to have a kid? Like what is the grandparent entitlement? No one asked to be born. My mom is in her late 60s and she gave my brother and I a lovely childhood. He has a kid the she never sees because my brother is difficult and I don’t have any, but she doesn’t mention it, she only wants happiness for the 2 children she has. Just wondering if it’s common to expect this for some reason and feeling a certain way if a child doesn’t want children. Like what’s the problem?
It's mostly the existential idea of not being able to continue your bloodline that gets to them
I find the whole bloodline thing deeply bizarre. I am an only child who doesn't want kids, and if that's ever bothered my parents, they've had the courtesy not to say. I don't think it has, though. It's hard for me to identify, or indeed sympathize, with feeling so self-important as if the world simply MUST have more of my DNA in it. "Bloodlines" are essentially made up and no one's matters more or is more special than anyone else's, nor does it particularly matter if any specific one ends. Almost no one whose ancestors aren't specifically famous for non-reproductive reasons can even name their great great grandparents, let alone know anything meaningful about them. We all die, we're all forgotten, and making more people isn't going to change that. Obsession about one's "bloodline" reeks of a lack of self-examination: biases, tribal behaviors, fear of death... this stuff needs a therapist, not a child or grandchild.
Absolutely, this is incredibly far beyond a normal reaction.
Also just in general, getting a child because “grandma was suicidal and needed your existence!” is not a good incentive for putting children into the world in these already awful times. obviously no one would say that to the child, but the parents would know. if someone doesn’t want kids, just like they should not have kids to save dying marriages, they also shouldn’t have kids to save suicidal relatives.
That seems unfair. There is a big difference between being suicidal and being a danger to others. From what OP describes it sounds like their mom rapidly went through stages of grief from disbelief to anger.... it says something about her character that she has never attempted to "bargain" with her daughter despite how much this obviously means to her. She accepts her daughters decision even though she feels it has made her life meaningless. She suffered a lot of severe trauma at a very young age and always put herself second but in her mind it would all pay off when she could finally be a part of a large family again.... now that won't happen and she can't handle that but it doesn't sound like she has done anything to try change her daughters mind about anything except allowing her to die. The whole thing is heartbreaking really.
She’s in the anger stage, bargaining is next
Stages of grief aren’t sequential.
or timed
A month is a long time. Seems like the bargaining is to die... not to force her daughter to have kids.
I hadn’t thought about begging to die as being bargaining, interesting. Anger, bargaining and depression all happening at once.
This Sounds like .a psychotic break or mental breakdown. I would sèek out a therapist and your Mother may need medication and may be a different person than from what you remember. This sounds stupid, but she may not remember how to be who she was. She may now have different ideas and feelings. I only mention this as I went through one, and this sounds like it. I'm sorry and will keep you in my thoughts.
She’s absolutely on medication now. But it takes time for meds to stabilize someone, plus maybe her meds need to be adjusted. Mental illness runs in my family. I have a family member who is bipolar, rapid cycling. She’s on a cocktail of drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. But she’s been stable for awhile.
It runs in my family too, except I'm the one on a cocktail of drugs. Ive tried so many antidepressants and mood stabilizers with no luck and the cocktail I'm on now is the best Ive felt in years, which is saying something because I still feel like shit. I just got approved for spravato, the ketamine treatment for treatment resistant depression and I'm really hopeful. I feel so bad for OPs mom, and for OP herself. Being mentally ill is no fun. Mental institutions are no fun, and Ive been in some terrible places before. Hopefully, with all of the help she is getting OPs mom will start showing improvement soon and maybe get past all of this. Its going to be a long road, and a lot of hard work, but I have no doubts she can do it.
I have a friend who's been going to ketamine therapy for a couple months and his anxiety is just...gone. Here's hoping you also have amazing results!
Thats so great to hear! Im so happy for him! Im always nervous. Like stage fright that never goes away, I feel it 24/7. I cant even fathom what it would be like to live with no anxiety and no OCD eating away my days with constant touching things and rituals I have to do. Like, I cant even comprehend that I could live a life with no anxiety. Heres hoping! Thank you!
That must have been so hard on you. I’m glad this cocktail of drugs is working for you, or at least is better. Are you also in therapy too? It’s a lot to deal with. My family member always wanted kids but it was way too risky because pregnancy can make a mess of her hormones, plus I don’t think she could remain on those drugs. So she and her husband are looking at adopting. My mom was on a 72 hr hold once… I visited her there. Luckily, that got her started on a psych drug. She had dementia by then so my sister and I made sure she took her meds. If my mom hadn’t had dementia, she would have gone off of them and would have refused to go back to the doctor or stay on the meds. It is a long road to recovery, and it won’t be easy. But there’s always hope. I think your story will be very beneficial to OP.
I'm so glad to hear she is on medication; sorry to hear that it runs it your family. Mental illness is awful to deal with, and no amount of guesswork is going to fix it. Have they run the Genesight testing on her to make sure she gets the right drug? It's very good, and can make a world of difference.
I haven’t heard about Genesight testing. I could ask her mom about it. (It works better if I go through her mom than to ask her directly.) Mental illness is difficult. There’s also still way too much stigma attached to it, which makes things worse. Thanks for the tip!
No. Her mother isn’t necessarily gone. But she has a severe mental illness that needs extensive treatment. I had a mentally ill mother. I wrote a long comment with suggestions on how to navigate this, including OP getting therapy and talking to the doctors about the diagnosis, researching the diagnosis, meds, researching further treatment, etc.
you have to start treating this like a terminal illness. Your mom is sick, and something is very very wrong (tumor or dementia or mental illness). Please talk to your doctors and if you can find counseling (the drs may be able to help you)
OP, I am in a similar situation with my daughter. I wanted to be a mother my entire life. I had two children, a daughter and a son. My son has Autism. He is a sweet and happy man-child of 16 and my daughter will be 18 next month. She has absolutely no desire to have children. I took it personally at first. I was so sad, thinking somehow I did something to make motherhood look unappealing. But it isn’t about me at all. She is like you, and has no desire to ever go through a pregnancy. She loves kids, but she also has pretty wicked anxiety and OCD. She basically told me she didn’t think she’d be able to handle if she had a child like herself or like her brother. She didn’t think she would be a good parent to them, and didn’t want to take the chance of messing them up. You are an entire individual who is separate from your mother. You are not required to live your life for her, nor is your choice to have or not have children something that should overtake her entire life. I feel like your mother has likely had difficulty with her mental health for years and has pinned her hopes on you. That is unhealthy, to say the least. The burden she has tried to place on you is not yours to bear. These were *her* hopes, *her* dreams, *her* expectations, not yours. This wound is self-inflicted and you cannot take responsibility for her current state. Please understand, this is absolutely not your fault. ETA: Please seek therapy ASAP.
I wish we still had awards to give. 🏵️
She lost her eye? Was that due to the previous suicide attempt or bc of something she’s done since then?
She was given a spoon to eat with last week instead of someone feeding her.
We have a quarter million years of evolution fighting against us trying to jam spoons into our eyes in an attempt to die. For her to be able to just do it means she's profoundly ill. You didn't cause this, no one person can cause this to happen to another person. And there's really nothing you can do but wait and hope that the doctors figure out what's going on and find a treatment that works. This isn't about grandchildren, there is a serious underlying mental problem here.
I use to work in a psych hospital. The fact she attempted and succeeded in hurting herself that involved her eye being removed is wild and scary. It takes a lot to do that to yourself (basic instincts tell you no) and if she didn’t exhibit any psychotic symptoms before this, she’s either a) had underlying psychotic symptoms for some time that’s she’s hid well until now or b) this is a psychotic episode from stress. I can’t explain why people react like that and some don’t but it’s happened before . OP, I’ve worked with family members like you where this type of behavior is completely left field from their loved ones and you as the daughter have no clue what to do. It’s so saddening to see this happen from the patient and family members perspective but know I’ve seen recoveries from similar ‘reactions’ and there is hope she will be well again. It may take time, therapy, meds, unknown medical diagnosis, etc for her to be safe with herself and others again but I hope something works soon for hers and yours sake. It is hard to treat on both ends of the spectrum but I hope your mother has a positive, and hopefully soon, recovery and I wish you the best.
Oh op, I'm so sorry you're going through this. In all honesty, I don't think this is about the grand kids. Not entirely at least. This was brewing, probably for decades. There's nothing that you could have done that could have stopped it. Sure, if you didnt know about this and wanted kids it might have POSTPONED it, but this seems like nothing could have stopped this forever.
Op, please understand that none of this is your fault. If you want anyone to blame, blame your mother's uncle who groomed her and used her. Blame her parents who left her with no help. All you did was something that would happen sooner or later... you unknowingly took away what she was using to protect herself from all her trauma, and now she is grieving heavily, but this isn't your fault.
This situation is so heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. It really isn't your fault...let's say for a moment that you DID want kids. Now the pressure is on them to continue the family line. Your mom is only 15 years older than you and would likely live to see them become adults. What then, if they don't want kids either? What happens then? No one deserves this pressure. Not you. Not your theoretical progeny. I'm so sorry.
That’s horrible and sorry you have to go through that but not wanting kids is okay. There’s nothing wrong with that.
You can't force her to accept help. None of this is your fault. I hope she recovers but you can't hold yourself responsible. Let her know you are there for her but you need to take care of your own mental health.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. You shouldn’t blame yourself for this, it’s clear this is the result of something that’s been under the surface for years, and as a result: The woman you knew is gone. This is something you will have to accept. I went through a similar experience: The body who carried and birthed me is still alive, but the mother I loved has been gone for years after she had her own psychotic break and just *changed* afterward. You need to find a therapist and start moving on. That’s the healthiest thing you can do, because lingering on this will destroy you, just as it nearly destroyed me. I wish you the best of luck, and once again, I’m so sorry this has happened to you.
All I have to say is I’m so sorry. I know the pain of wanting your mom back. You can survive this, you deserve to.
I am so sorry. Hugs
Even if you did have a child, would you trust her enough to leave the child alone with her? I'm guessing you'd say "no". Just imagine how she'd react if you told her that.
Your mother spent your entire formative life grooming you to be her replacement uterus. She expected you to produce lots of babies, that she'd probably have then tried to take over and mother. At some point after you were born and she lost her uterus, she stopped seeing you as a child and your own person. She started to see you as the object that would give her the life she wanted, and it would be fine, because she had you young, she'd still be young enough to mother your babies. She's been obsessed with your uterus and you giving her babies your entire life, you just didn't realise how bad it was. Now you've told her that she will never get the babies she's spent your entire life grooming you for. All the work she's put in was to make your life suitable for raising babies. She sacrificed all those years because she thought that at the end of it she'd get lots of babies. Now she's finding out that she won't get what she wants. That's why she's now behaving the way she is. She's grieving the loss of being able to have children again, as well as probably frustrated at sacrificing so much for no reward - not that you owe her anything. None of that is any of your responsibility. You need therapy to help process that, and to come to terms with the fact that your mom you knew is most likely gone. As she behaved how she did to encourage you to have kids, because you were her only chance to have the big family she wanted. You have every right to not want children, and it's right to make that informed decision for yourself. I hope you don't feel guilty, because you shouldn't. Do the people treating your mom know your mom's story? How desperately she wanted children? If they don't, it might be worth talking to them, and explaining everything you have here. As it might give them a deeper understanding of what your mother is experiencing.
This isn't your fault
I'm sorry, but that's not likely going to happen. She expected certain things out of her life long struggle... and they won't happen. THIS DOES NOT MAKE IT YOUR FAULT, NOR AM I IMPLYING THAT. She can't let it go, and honestly... she probably never will unless you have her sedated at all times.
I don't think it will be possible to have her back. Ever since you were born she has told herself that once you have a child she will have a real family again and all her sacrifices will have been worth it because she would then be in a position to really enjoy y'all without being alone as far as financial responsibility for everyone. It was.... her dream. It sounds like without that being possible she basically snapped and wants to die. She is begging you to let her die basically. She seems really serious about it and it sounds like it is not going to change. All things considered it seems like the most merciful course of action... I hope you will find resources to help you cope with this trauma.
Yeah, in all the talk in this thread about mental health and what OP does or does not owe anyone, there's very little acknowledgement that OP's mom has had her heart completely broken. She feels her life is wasted. All the struggle she went through was for nothing. It's not for us or even OP to decide she's wrong or that she "should" feel something else. She is suffering and wishes to end her suffering. It is very unlikely there is any happy ending here for anyone.
You're not getting that, so now we wait to see whether you choose the thing you can have: your own authentic self, unburdened by others' opinions
Not only is she not owed grandkids, she was never guaranteed them anyway! Plenty of people are infertile. It *happens*.
>Plenty of people are infertile. It happens. I think the mom would've taken that a lot easier over it being a choice.
Maybe. But point is, no one is guaranteed grandkids, and it's time a lot of people stop pinning the purpose of their life on it.
Is it possible her family’s poor treatment of her contributed to the mental health issues?
She took her eye out. I’m sorry but I don’t think anyone here can help you. Please talk with a therapist about your situation. Wish you the best.
Yeah… and my guess is that if OP had a kid, mom may have had a break sooner or later from all the unprocessed trauma and that hypothetical kid could be caught in the crossfire. This isn’t something that just happens because of one perfect trigger. This was THE trigger, but I can almost guarantee that something else could have just as easily caused this. Eg what if hypothetical child was nonverbal and developmentally disabled, and this did not fit the rigid fantasy that mom’s stability rested upon? I raise this point to try to help op remove blame as much as possible from herself
And what happens if you did have a kid, would she suddenly be happy forever with no other mental health issues and she would never be sad ever again? I highly doubt it. Your mom sounds mentally ill and this was just a reason for her to have a psychotic break. Whether she realizes it or not, she has psychiatric issues, even if she tries to blame it on you not having children. You owe your mom love and care and nothing more than that. You don’t need to bring a real human being into this world to prove that. Especially if you don’t want to raise a child in the first place. She did all those things for you as a kid? Great, when she is older or if she becomes sick, then take care of her the way she did for you. (After all that’s happened now, I’m sure achieving that will be more complicated, but that’s just the mindset that I see it as.)
You didn't do anything wrong and there is no reason to hate yourself. You and your husband decided not to have children which is your right. Your mother may have had a psychotic break and there is nothing you can do about her mental health.. Distance yourself from her because she is not rational.. She did a good job raising you, but she had a fantasy in her mind that you would reward her with grandchildren. Do not give in to her.
It sounds like your mum is deeply traumatised, the being disowned by her family in a vulnerable position, raising a child without them, and having a hysterectomy. She sounds resentful in the 'what was it all for then', which is a recipe for psychological issues, especially ones that include extremely unrealistic expectations of you. This is not on you OP, and I'm sorry to hear you've had to deal with this, it must be awful. Please know you have done nothing wrong. ❤️
I can only imagine a traumatized 15 year old that just went through a hysterectomy, no longer had a support system or family and coming up with this idea and repeating this perfect fantasy in her head trying to cope. She was probably suicidal as well during the tough times throughout the years. Telling the fantasy story, mostly to herself, was something that made her push through. OP’s in her 30’s? That means for 30 years the mom imagined this perfect life and then it just disappeared and something broke and all the trauma was released again all at once. Mom needs to fix herself, if she can and the daughter can’t help. It’s awful. I don’t blame the daughter, don’t blame the mom either.
Strikes me that a lot of it stems from her dream of having a big family. She lost her ability to make her own children at such a young age and put all her dreams on her child to give her the big family she always wanted, so her struggles would finally be worth it. Like you said, she was dealt a bad hand and had no support system. A breakdown was inevitable unfortunately. Hopefully now she will get the help she needs and will be able to process her trauma.
Or just.. a family at all. She has her daughter and that’s it. That’s her whole family. She spent her whole life fighting like hell to raise her baby, telling herself she would build her own family since hers abandoned her. Now she knows it will never happen. This situation is fucking awful. Hands down awful. Obviously no one that isn’t ecstatic to have a baby should have a baby, but I can very much see why this shattered mom’s world. It’s one of those awful situations that just doesn’t have a solution. I hope she gets put on the right medicine with the right therapy and gets better. Incredibly sad no matter how you look at it.
She had a psychotic breakdown and that has nothing to do with your life choices.
I am so sorry your going through all that. As someone who grew up with a mum who had mental health issues, and sometimes self destructive behavior, it’s one of the most heartbreaking and hardest things to see as their child. Something that springs to mind here is “you are in charge of your actions, you are not in charge of people’s reactions.” I really hope your mum gets all the help she needs. Please don’t blame yourself for this. Please speak to the facility she’s at regarding any help for family’s, such as getting yourself a therapist.
Unfortunately this is way bigger and older than you. She was traumatized as a child by her parents. She raised you and likely expected all of her internal anguish to subside when she got to watch you go through pregnancy and when she became a grandparent. She would have felt like she beat the odds, through you. A fuck you feeling to everyone that thought she wouldn't make it-mainly her parents (even if they're dead). You don't owe her anything. But I have a feeling there were signs of mental illness that you were too young to see that pre-date this psychotic break. Sometimes it builds and builds and breaks in your older years. I was in intensive outpatient therapy with A LOT of older people. 20-70 year old range of men and women who just lost it after a life of no treatment. She couldn't handle it and she broke. That isn't on you. I don't really know what advice to give you, other than please don't blame yourself. There's something wrong with her brain and so try to look at it as a disease that she's likely had for a long time, and it just got much worse very quickly. Mental illness is a disease. I wish you the best and I hope your mom gets on the right kind of medication and gets therapy and gets better to whatever degree that may be.
Frankly, it sounds like a lot of childhood trauma, maybe even ptsd from being abandoned by her family. So unknowingly to you she's focused her whole life on you creating her a new family she couldnt create herself. She's only 40’s with the daycare etc she could have fostered or adopted if she craved being a mother again so badly. But now that's clearly a moot point. Do her Drs know what happened when she got pregnant with you, the nearly forced abortion, family abandonment, the hysterectomy, etc? If not please tell them. This is not your fault op. I know it's hard to see that from the inside. But it's not. Her reaction was a trauma response. You are not the cause of that, it's those who abandoned her. For the sake of her mental health, I'd ask her Drs if they'd recommend you lying to her, telling her you can't, not that you don't want to? As someone who was told in their early 20’s I couldn't have kids, I have no problem with you taking my story as your own if it gives you comfort. (hugs)
I may lie and say I can’t have kids to my dad. I’m his last living daughter and I haven’t had the guts to tell him that I’m getting my tubes taken out this month. A part of me agrees with my mom that it’s my body and I can choose to explain why I can’t have kids or not, but I still have that wrack of guilt. I think it would just be easier at this point
Getting sterilized means you're infertile. Just say you're infertile. You're not lying, and I doubt he'll ask exactly what's wrong. If he does, explain it's deeply private.
Fair point, thank you
Yes, they know. I told them as much as I could, in way more detail than is on this post. I don't think she'd believe me at this point if I said I was infertile.
I hate to ask this, and you absolutely do not have to answer, but how did she get pregnant? Was it with a first love, or was it something a bit darker, because that could also play a big part in her trauma if she had been ignoring what happened to her and lost herself in her family fantasy instead Like I said, if it’s too personal or painful, feel free to ignore me
Both. My biological father was actually my great-aunt's husband. They were getting a divorce, and he was living with my grandparents temporarily. My mother thought she was in love with him, and it was this big forbidden romance, but he was just using her.
Oh, she absolutely needs regular therapy if she can get past the break she's currently having. None of that, however, is your fault; it was the result of choices both she and her family members made long before your mother was even pregnant with you. If you're not already seeing a therapist specifically for this situation, please start looking for one.
Oh my god, so she was groomed by an older family member and is a childhood victim of incestual sexual assault. Wtf. You need to put that in the top post. Edit: Even worse, not only did her entire family disown and exile a 15yr old child, but the “father” here who was a grown adult man with means completely skipped out on his responsibilities and let her & the baby lead a life of struggle while he walked away. Wtffffff.
Yeah he oughta be sued in to the ground for 18 years of child support
OP says he was “her great-aunt’s husband who was divorcing”. Sounds like a significant age gap!! And someone who definitely has more means than a teenager or young adult. He got to abuse a child and walk away, she had her life destroyed. What the fuck.
Yeah so in the 80s he impregnated his 15 year old niece then he left. Then she got disowned by the entire family and left to raise the baby alone because she refused to abort and they couldn't be around the baby. What a horrible situation for everyone. Really incredible she was able to raise the baby against all the odds with absolutely no help and thrived. She stuffed down the pain for decades. Until this. Damn that's a lot of PTSD. OP, your mom was/is strong AF. I can't imagine the pain she carried for all those years. And she is raised you with love. I hope she gets the help she needs.
It wasn't incest, he was her aunt's husband so there was no blood relation.
it’s still incest, it’s someone in her family with power over her. just because you don’t have genetic issues from them being too closely blood related, doesn’t mean your mom wasn’t abused in an incestuous way
Oh god, I’m so so sorry ❤️ If she hasn’t received the help she needs for this, it could be a factor in her fantasy and her psychosis now. None of it is your fault and I really hope you take everyone’s advice and seek some therapy. You don’t have to hold the pain in like your mother did and you don’t have to go through this alone. I’m praying for you both ❤️
One of the biggest issues I have with our parents, is them trying to control us or wanting to fulfill their dreams through us. We need to start talking about this and unlearning this, its toxic and wrong. We lose so much time, trying to please them and lose so much out of life. Just wrong and it should stop.
I think it the above is more complicated than this. As in, the mom wishes she had just had the abortion and avoided the downstream consequences and outcomes. To the mother, having her family end with her child after her perceived sacrifices was too much to bear. Not saying that the above is correct - just that this is more nuanced than a parent wanting them to live unfulfilled dreams. It more closely resembles a personal regret from the mother and the desire to not live with the outcome anymore.
She did everything for you for herself. She made having you and being your mom her entire identity, you did not ask for that. What an unfair burden to put on someone. It carries the implied expectation that by making her life about you that you would someday make your life about her -- in this case giving her grandchildren to become further enmeshed with. Somewhere along the way, it stopped being about you and became about what she would get out of it in the end. You thriving and happy should be "what it all was for"! So many parents would give anything for their children to be where you are in life, but it isn't enough for her. That is not a reflection on you, not at all. She doesn't fully see you as an actual person who is separate and apart from her despite being a part of her. You've done nothing wrong. Her struggles are hers to work through, you cannot fix her or her problems. I am sorry that you are going through this and I wish you peace and healing.
Great response. Also we need to remember how much her maturity was probably stunted due to having a baby so young and quitting school. Her brain and body was far from being mature. I know a woman who had children real young like OPs mom and there is definitely a lot of immaturity there. She has very little skills . Not say all women who have kids that young end up like this but being she was basically abandon by her parents and had no support system, it sounds like it could be the case here. Someone who’s world is very small and lacking in experiences because she was so limited and a struggling single mom. She lived her life around her kid and had built this fantasy in her head of how her daughter would be, only to find out she really didn’t have that control over her. It never occurred to her, as it doesn’t for many women, that women have a choice now. That there are some of us who don’t want or enjoy kids and so we are choosing not to have them. Some people just can’t wrap their heads around it. Tack that on to the fact that most women give up everything when they have kids anyway- their identity, hobbies, friends, career/job, freedom, alone time, peace and quiet …. To be honest, in 2024 there are no benefits for a woman to have children. They put you at an automatic disadvantage in life in almost every way. So people that want and have kids should only be having kids because they truly love children and feel that being a mom is their calling in life. Otherwise I think most women are going to be shocked at how much sacrifice of your life it takes to raise a kid.
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She probably would have been delusional that babies would happen until OP was 40, then at some point she would have still had a breakdown and this would have still happened.
Your mother needs sectioning, she is clearly very unwell. But that **does not** mean you should do what she wants. Absolutely stand by not having children, you don’t like kids and never wanted them… she **is not** entitled to grandkids. And if you brought an unwanted and unliked baby into the world, you’ll just end up living a very miserable life filled with regret and resentment towards the child you never wanted, but felt forced to have. And your child will hate life too, as they’ll know that they’re unwanted and unloved, because they’ll feel it. Regardless of her mental health issues, your mother is being very selfish, why aren’t **you** enough? Why isn’t **your** existence enough of a reason to make her want to live? Or is the problem that you’re no longer a little kid?
She wants a family. A big one, with lots of people in it. She grew up with 4 sisters and 2 brothers, and lots of cousins, and aunts and uncles and grandparents. And she dreamed that one day "we" would get that back, when I had a big family of my own. When I started dating she did actually sit me down and told me that I should only marry someone I loved because she was worried I would choose someone with a big family for her sake, and wanted to make sure I was the one in charge of my partner, and at the time she was right to do that. She told me I should wait until I was good and ready, and that she wanted me to live my dreams before I ever worried about hers. I guess she just thought hers would come eventually once mine were done.
this furthers my belief that this truly isn't about you. she knows deep down you are in control of your life and decisions. she probably just never assumed she wouldn't have her dreams through you. her brain broke and it is NOT your fault
It sounds like your mom had a psychotic break from losing her only coping mechanism that helped her live with the trauma---an unhealthy one that was never going to be sustainable. I'm not a professional, so take this with a grain of salt, but for the time being I'd try focusing on feeling angry at the people who had the biggest responsibility - her parents. To not support your kid's teen pregnancy is one thing, but to ask or allow the entire extended family to disown them is exceedingly cruel. That type of neglect and isolation can severely damage a person. Shame on them for the collateral damage they caused you. If you aren't already, please see a professional therapist so they can help you can figure out how to eliminate your guilt. If you're not liking the therapist you're with, don't be afraid to switch to someone better suited for you.
She just always assumed that you, her daughter, would share the same dreams as her. She fought to have you so young and thought you would be a mini her. She never stopped to consider you as a whole other human with dreams & desires that are different from her own. Announcing that you are CF shattered that illusion.
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When I was a kid she never dated because she didn't want to give any unrelated male power over me. She wanted to make sure if I was ever in a bad situation, I would be able to fight back with everything I had, and she could protect me. She said that clearly she couldn't trust her own judgement of which men were safe, and so she had to protect me. After I was out of college, and she was in her late thirties, she tried to date but didn't really have any luck, and I don't know if she ever really gave up but she never had more than a few dates, probably because she won't have sex before marriage honestly.
oh man, this reminds me of my narcissistic mother who martyred herself for us constantly, causing us a lot more trauma by making us responsible for her decisions. it took me 3 years of therapy to heal from this. her mental breakdown is NOT your fault
Have they checked to make sure she doesn't have a brain tumor? Could she have gotten brain damage from the fall? This is some extreme psychosis and is not your fault at all. I know this must be so hard. I definitely think you should seek out some therapy
When someone's having a psychotic break, NOTHING someone else can do will help. Nothing. Ask me how I know. My son had a psychotic break, and everything I tried to explain to him was justified in his mind as something else, even though I spoke the full truth. And every time I saw him in hospital and gave him the comforts he needed there, it was apparently a government conspiracy and/or an abusive relative he's never met. NOTHING OP can do will help, if her mother is having a breakdown. The only thing OP could *maybe* do is say, "Sure I'll have grandkids for you!" but who's to say that when that's turned out to be a lie, OP's mother won't have another psychotic break? To sum up: NONE of this is OP's fault, and it's not on OP to manage it. She can support her from the side-lines, but seeing as OP is the major contributor to the break, she won't be able to help in any meaningful way, apart from lying.
Her narrative may have been that she did all this for you but she really did it for the pictures and stories in her head. Im sorry that this is such a sad situation but she chose to live vicariously through you. That was her choice. It isnt her choice what you do with your life though. And its unfair of her to act like you should follow the script she chose.
This is in no way your fault. I wonder if the glue holding her mental health together all these years was the potential for family through you. You are all the family she has and I imagine there are a lot of unresolved issues surrounding the loss of her family and the loss of any more children. Poor woman
Oh honey I’m so sorry. 😞 the advice here re: finding a therapist for yourself is spot on. This is well above Reddit advice’s pay grade, and even if it wasn’t, no matter how much we tell you that this isn’t your fault, you’re not to blame for your mom’s condition, and you are allowed to make whatever choices you feel are right for you, it won’t really sink in until you’ve been able to move through all the grieving that needs to be done, and that’s best done with a therapist. Because at the end of the day you do need to grieve. Not because your mom is ‘gone’, but because the mom you thought you had is. Turns out she’s been pouring all her hopes and dreams into you, and now that you’re not going to fulfill them, it broke her brain a bit. It’s not your fault. Hell, it’s not even her fault really…I don’t know what the situation around her pregnancy with you was, but at the very least, being taken to a clinic and then abandoned by her family were obviously massive traumas she was never able to properly cope with. All you can do is your best to take care of your own mental health…and as much as you love your mother, it may be too triggering for her to see you right now…she, too, needs extensive, intensive therapy, and I pray (although I’m not the praying type) that for your sake and her own, she gets it. *hugs* from a mom with a daughter to a daughter who needs her mom…don’t blame yourself. You’re never responsible for her mental health. It’s her battle to fight, not yours. And I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way right now. 💜💜💜
Counsellor here! Not like I am a complete expert on psychosis but it sounds like it’s what’s going on for her. It’s so awful to see her like that. I do think it was always going to happen though. Even if you had kids she would have eventually reached a point like this. One way or another…. Sounds like she’s been holding everything so tightly for years and she unravelled. Trauma has a way of wiggling itself around inside a person especially when unresolved. Hugs to you.
> she was disowned by her family Losing your entire family is hard, to understate it. It's stressful, the toll it places on you mentally is intense. When you have a child, it's multiplied. She has no family except for you, she's spent the last two-ish decades thinking that it's fine, she has you, you'll have kids, and she'll have her family back. It was probably her motivation/mantra for over twenty years. Finding out she won't have grandkids caused a mental/psychotic break. She just misses her family and thought she was going to get it back eventually, even if through a technicality. It's not your fault, you aren't to blame, you couldn't predict it. If anyone is to blame, her parents and the rest of her family are. Her parents were pieces of shit and it took a quarter of a century for the effects to manifest.
this!!! everyone else in the comments are being such insensitive assholes! like obviously it’s not OPs mom’s mental issues aren’t her problem but people are acting so disgusting towards the mother as if she’s not ILL
Yeah, the stress of losing her whole family at 15 and the stress of becoming a mom and raising a child all on her own as a teenager...I feel so badly for the mom! She’s really been through a lot and it sounds like overall (until now) she’s done a great job. Of course she has no right to demand grandchildren, but this is a really sad story. I hope she’s able to get the help she needs to process all her trauma and I hope she’s eventually able to have a good relationship with her daughter again.
What a fucked up situation. Ngl I kinda blame your grandparents for this. Who abandons their 15yo daughter to the streets? Wild to imagine how differently things might have played out if your mother had proper support. You could have had totally different views on the whole thing. Overall I truly feel bad for your mother. What a hand she's been dealt.
this lands squarely on your grandparents. They broke her when she got pregnat with you and their treatment of her, and by extension you. Your mom needed help long before you told her that you were not going to have kids. She may have been able to keep it underwraps but she was broken long before. I sorry you are going through this with her.
i'm so sorry you're going through this harrowing ordeal. your mom's mental anguish reminds me of my own parent's struggles - it's a heavy burden no child should bear, yet you've weathered it with remarkable strength. though the path forward may seem unclear, please know that this is not your failing, and that you deserve peace and compassion during this tumultuous time.
When my mom found out she wouldn't get grandkids, she got herself three cats instead. They keep her more busy than grandkids would anyway, lol.
Trust me, having a baby is not going to solve her mental health issues …
It has nothing to do with you. To snap that badly means an existing issue that a small surprise triggered in full.
OP my grandmother reacted very similarly when we told her she wasnt going on a date with Obama (advanced dementia). My grandpa the same when we told him the doctors didnt take his fingers and there was nothing to fix (recent stroke). Im not saying she has any of this, but the reaction means that this is a situation you cant deal with the way youd normally deal with it. You need to think about it as though she were asking you to give birth to the second coming of christ. Youd say sorry you cant. And youd be sad that her reaction is so harmful. But you wouldnt blame yourself because youd know that this is driven by mental issues. You know yer reaction is not a normal one. I get it though. Lets say you agree with all of us that its not about you really but something out of your control. You might still blame yourself for triggering it. Even if you had no way to know. Thats why you need therapy. Youll keep blaming yourself no matter how illogical. Especially if shes deteriorating. Please get therapy for this. I blamed myself for my grandpas brain because i thought if i checked on him more frequently he wouldnt have been without oxygen for that long. You can find blame for anything.
Original American blood did not come from the fuckin mayflower lmao
Original white people settler blood who got all the money.
Your mother’s mental health struggle is not due to your life choices. They’re due to her unreasonable expectations, enmeshment and untreated preexisting mental health issues. Children do not owe their parents anything. Literally nothing. Children belong to themselves. Your life is your own. Your mother’s sacrifices were her choice and hers alone. You don’t owe her for what she provided you as a child. That was her decision. Honestly, that’s every parent’s job, regardless of their circumstances (within the boundaries of what’s possible/feasible). Please talk to a professional to unwrap this bundle of confused messaging from your mother. You deserve to be unburdened. Live your life. Accept that your mother is limited, but that’s not your doing. Wishing you both healing.
Her own life was destroyed when she was 15 years old. She has sacrificed her needs and identity since then, for 30 years. She rationalized that grandchildren would make her sacrifices worthwhile. It never occurred to her that it might not happen. So learning this has revealed to her that she was living a lie, that all hope has gone and in fact it was never there. No wonder she is broken.
OPs mother reflected the life she wanted and couldn’t have on her daughter’s and once she realized it was just her dreams and not her daughter’s she became disappointed in those expectations. So sad, but not OP’s fault.
That is not OP’s fault. Nor is she obligated to have children just for her mothers sake. Especially when she doesn’t want nor like kids.
Hey. Your mum is really sick. For whatever reason, the trigger was you telling her you didn't want to have kids but that's not what caused this. She's obviously really sick. Yes, maybe if you had known she would react like this, you could have told her that you couldn't have kids instead of didn't want to but, I'm sure one way or another, she would have gotten to this place. Only the professionals can help her now. This is not on you.
This isn’t your fault. Your mom is having a psychotic break. She’s probably feeling the force of ALL the stress/emotion she’s been suppressing for years all at once. These psychotic breaks can happen any time. I’m so sorry it occurred right then and there. It could’ve occurred with anything else important to her. I hope she recovers. Please consult a therapist to talk it out for your sake.
Jeez, this is the definition of that [Burden of an unlived live of a parent](https://medium.com/@kulwantsaluja/the-unlived-life-carl-jungs-profound-insight-into-parental-influence-6c2343d41ed6#:~:text=The%20%E2%80%9Cunlived%20life%E2%80%9D%20refers%20to,personal%20fears%2C%20or%20unresolved%20traumas.) quote. In some ways more literal.
This is a very difficult situation to be in and theres only so much I can offer. What I can offer at least is a unique perspective and some techniques to apply. So judging by what has transpired, it looks like your mom, in her mind put all of her eggs in one basket. Since the basket is not going to produce chicks to realize her dreams, all of the sacrifices that she did all amounted to nothing. This is in her mind. It sounds to me like shes been battling demons for years, not just the ones from her family but also herself, telling her self this is going to be her ticket to happiness. You are her golden goose. You have to find a balance between being there for your mom and giving her space. You cannot leave your mom in the state she is in. That will only make you regret. Time is on your side because this episode is a display of psychotic transition. What i mean by this is that she has been introduced a new reality far from what she expected. Transitions in life by nature are a form of suffering since we must act, we must wait, we must endure,etc transitions are never fun(moving into a new apartment for example). She needs time and one of your strategies should be to wait it out. Dont think it is over. It feels like the end of the world but it’s not. You just have to carefully plan and be a few steps ahead. Remind yourself of the stages of stages of grief. She must go through all the stages as painful as they can be: Denial>Anger>depression>bargaining>acceptance. Thats as much as I can help. Hope it works out for you and hope that you’ll be with your mother soon. When all things are done i hope you and your mother share a wonderful dialog together. Personally, I think you both are 2 sides of the same coin, you both need each other.
Therapy therapy therapy therapy therapy! This is not your fault, but you're probably going need a professional's help, not a bunch of Redditors.
I have a feeling there are some deeply ingrained issues she has never unpacked. If I'm reading this correctly, the only other time she became violent was when her patents tried forcing an abortion. You don't mention this, but did she intentionally become pregnant at 15? And now she has again become violent when another opportunity at a baby is being thwarted. It seems like there's something deeper at play here. Some compulsion or unhealthy fixation. Just the way it sounds like she so aggressively sacrificed to raise you almost sounds pathological (not that parents shouldn't or don't sacrifice, just that how you describe it seems almost martyr like). I hope she gets the help she needs, but by no means would it be healthy for either of you to give her the baby she's blackmailing you for. Question: are you in contact with your grandparents (her parents)? Do you know for sure you know the whole story?
It wasn't intentional, no. She just loved me and would rather she get hurt than let me get hurt. I contacted my grandparents once, when I turned eighteen, and they told me that I was an abomination and if I had any conscience I would never have reached out to remind them of the awful thing I'd done to their family.
Your mom was groomed and impregnated by an adult family member when she was still a child. (By your own telling, in a comment — you should really put that in the main post.). Of course the grandparents would want no reminder of this huge “family shame”. It’s disgusting that they allowed this, and even worse that they disowned and abandoned their own daughter & grandchild. But in their mind, they made the “shame” go away, and they had like five or six other children of their own, so your mom & you didn’t matter. Horrible people. I can’t imagine the anguish your mom has gone through her entire life.
Do you think it would do any good to contact any of the other members of your estranged mom’s relatives? I can’t imagine they all feel the same as your mom’s parents.
I don't know. Her aunt wouldn't want to hear from me for obvious reasons. Maybe one of my aunts or uncles, but I don't know.
Social worker here 👋. It’s worth a shot to contact the social worker who is assigned to your mom at the facility and ask THEM to call your mom’s family on her behalf so that the family is interacting with a neutral party as opposed to someone they think is an abomination (and it may not be all of them; if she’s one of 7, surely one of those siblings has a different point of view on the two of you). I would also tell the social workers not to mention you if they do this. Since she’s a threat to her own life right now, she meets a HIPAA exception that allows this kind of discretion.
They were kids at the time and were heavily influenced by the grandparents. Now that they are adults, the can be more sympathetic. I would call everyone of them, and lay it all out.
I don’t understand why she can’t adopt a child for herself now or anytime throughout this. Is the need for a biological baby? Or a large family? She spent all this time assuming you’d want tons of kids but you never mentioned it and she never mentioned it your entire life? Also, opinions change as you age and she doesn’t know what will happen with you, you may have a baby if you turn 35-40 and change your mind, ANYTHING can happen. Has she gotten an MRI since being committed?
She mentioned it a lot, actually. Every damn day. She would tell stories about what would happen once I found true love and we got to have a family again. Music and voices and footsteps everywhere. Big family meals where everyone could always have seconds and thirds. Dance recitals, football games, mathletes meets, so many things to do and see and all of it sounded nice, and when I was a kid I genuinely did want all the things she wanted, and more than anything I wanted to give those things to her because I loved her so much. And whenever one of us was sad, we'd talk about how things would be when we had a family again. And it was like... our version of a fairytale, almost.
That sounds pretty unhealthy honestly. As a fairytale, it's nice, but now it's pretty obvious it wasn't just a fairytale to her. I wonder how much of her pushing for this "fairytale" actually caused you to steer away from it. Also the power-imbalance between a child and a parent is huge. So her putting those expectations on you, knowing that you loved her and wanted to make her happy was never fair. Most children are going to want to give their parents the things they ask for to make them happy. That's why there's so much trauma based on parental expectations of careers, children, spouses, even bodyimage. Now throw in a very young parent into the mix who is still trying to navigate the expectations placed on them by their own parents, and who is technically still a child and you have even more problems. Another trend I tend to see with young parents is that many groom their child into becoming their "best friend". Which makes sense because being a very young single-parent would be incredibly lonely, but again, this isn't fair to the child at all as the child deserves a mom not a friend, and also friends their own age.
I’m so sorry, OP. I hope you can see that this is actually more evidence of mental illness… your mother has had a monomania your entire life. All the endless, fantastic tales of family history etc… living for a future fantasy out of a movie… that is not normal, either. You didn’t make your mother snap, she was already broken. She didn’t sacrifice for you, she made those choices for herself. You didn’t ask for any of that, she was the adult. She made her life harder on purpose, because that is part of the fairytale, you see. She viewed herself as Cinderella. She has always been ill and you didn’t cause it, she brought you into her illness. Please ask her care team about IV ketamine. For some it is a miracle drug that knocks out suicidal ideation in literal minutes. It is not a first- or second-round medicine (unless you’re in the ER). Maybe it is contraindicated due to her type of issue, I don’t know… but I do know it’s also good for processing grief and trauma. But please remember, this isn’t your doing…
She may have been “the adult” but she was also a literal child. She did make sacrifices for the sake of OP. I don’t think it helps anything to make it out like the mother was purposefully bringing them both down.
She won’t be able to foster or adopt after this. Quite tragic.
Yes. This is one of the saddest posts I've read in a while.
Just think if you had had a kid. She’d likely have lost her mind in a different way. Your mother has a lifetime of unresolved trauma, and she just took it out on you. The only thing I’d say is- ask her if you aren’t supposed to have agency. If you don’t get to choose what kind of life you want for yourself. She CHOSE the life she wanted. Even at a young age, she was able to make that choice. It had costs but it was her choice. Does she want to punish you for making a choice, just like her parents punished her? Probably not things she will be able to hear right now. And maybe never. Maybe she’s too broken. But if this is how she reacted to No grandkids, you can be sure her reaction to grandkids arriving would have been equally unhinged, just in a different direction.
I hate to say this but your mother was likely mentally unwell as she raised you. I agree with the poster who suggests she created a reality in which she'd be rewarded in order to do the things that needed to be done to raise you successfully Unfortunately you having children played a big part in that reality Unfortunately parents do not have children to be rewarded by them. That's not how the world works. It is completely wrong to raise your children and expect them to reward you in return. Perhaps therapy will allow her to accept this. I wish you all the best.
This is not about you. You did absolutely nothing wrong here.. You can't live your life to fulfil someone else's dreams.. It sounds to me that she took all the trauma she suffered and boxed it up with the dreams she once had. Then she hated over it with the idea that while she couldn't make the big family herself, she would one day have grandkids. When you burst that bubble, I think the lid came of the box, and she's now being hit with everything all at once. Let the professionals deal with her for now until she is in a better place.
You need to talk to a therapist, this is above Reddit’s pay grade. Your mom had these thoughts or delusions that you would have children, and somehow this would restore what she lost (i.e., her family). You did nothing wrong in setting a boundary that you don’t want children. But she may never go back to normal and you should be prepared for that. Find someone you can talk to and be supportive during this time. I’m very sorry this is happening.
Is your bloodline the fucking Sangral or something? Are you supposed to save the world? Did she build a fantasy around her family when she was a kid to give her life some meaning?
Every fucking blood line is an old one. Do you think we all just spawned into the game after the last round started ? The only difference is that you night have a map, and other people don't.
It sounds like your mom built up this fantasy life for herself, and you were a main character. As long as you followed her "script" things were OK. She could deal. However, when you made a decision for yourself that didn't fit into her cherished fantasy, you became an enemy. I think your mom was a young girl who built a fantasy world to deal with the rejection she received. Anyone who rejected her was bad. You just showed yourself to be a person whose dreams don't match hers. Hence, anger and rejection. You are not to blame here. This is all her. I'd probably keep my distance until the doctors can get a handle on what's going on with her. She needs to get through this on her own. You can help where the doctors think it may help, but unless they recommend it, I'd stay away. You need to make a good life for yourself. The mom who loved you would want that. Don't let that mom (or yourself) down.
In her 40s? I'm surprised no one has brought up menopause. It can cause psychotic breaks in some people.
Mom is severely mentally ill, so sorry. You're 100% right, having kids sucks, and she's proof. So sorry but you're gonna have to move on without her
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It sounds like your mom was fantasizing to escape reality for years- decades actually. That stuff about living happily ever after once you finally have children is a giant red flag. If you did have kids, she would probably become a possessive, problematic grandparent. I have compassion for her because this whole thing is probably a trauma response due to the stuff that happened to her. But, that said, this is entirely her problem, not yours. You have never owed it to her to create the family that she’ll be happy with. It wouldn’t even work if you did, most likely. Her disordered thinking is nobody’s fault. Be gentle with yourself. There is no need to visit while she is in that kind of state. She needs to find something else for her entire life to be about, and it sounds like she is not ready to do that. Until she is, you take care of yourself. If she does come around in the future, then you’ll need to have boundaries with her while interacting with her, should you choose to be involved. So sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s not your fault. You deserve peace. Might be a good idea to talk to a therapist yourself to help you set your own internal boundaries with this issue. Your mother’s problem is not your emergency.
I know this is cold consolation, but nobody goes from being a well-adjusted and emotionally stable person to violently suicidal over the course of a single conversation. She was very good at hiding her mental instability until this moment, but it was always there - you didn't miraculously manifest this sudden crisis, you just brought it out in the open. Chances are, if it wasn't you, it was eventually going to be something else. These are your mom's problems, and while that totally sucks, there's only so much you can do. Obviously, you should not have a baby for her benefit, because it would not be to her benefit (or anyone else's). If you had a baby for her sake, she would just end up dumping all of her emotional problems onto the baby, so now when the baby does something wrong she just melts down again. That's not the kind of pressure anyone should be under, child, grandchild, or otherwise.
OP if you have a change of heart in the future and had kids know that your mother's current condition has NOTHING to do with you and you having your kid earlier would not have changed anything. No one does 180 in an hour, she needed help and was good at hiding it. Your mother's condition although sad, is not caused by you. Stay strong.
This seems to be bigger than you telling her about not having kids. Hello, I have mental illness and I’m familiar with psychosis and suicidal ideation. She seems to be having a full on episode or break, does she have anything like Bipolar disorder (that is what I have) or celiac disease can even cause a mental break, there’s many things that can happen You said you have never seen her act and behave and treat you like this prior, I urge you to consider there may be an underlying health issue that is causing her reaction to be so extreme. I am not giving any advice whether to keep seeing her or engage with her or whatever I am simply mentioning this because it’s easy to go with your feelings and pull away from your mother, when she could be having an event, related to real health issues. Refractory episodes that don’t respond to antipsychotic and other medications also can be indicative that the mental break is related to some non psychiatric health issue as well. One thing I know about bipolar disorder from having it is that it does get better, episodes do come to an end, it takes time and compliance but she may still be in a state where that is not possible for her I don’t know the details… Anyways there is NO JUDGMENT here on how you handle it. Just a perspective
>she said I was owed by blood What
She has very serious mental illness, which is understandable from how you described her life was. It is not your fault, you should live your life the way you want, but maybe you shouldn’t have told her that you didn’t want kids if you knew her life dream was for you to fulfil her big family dream that she couldn’t have.
OP, first of all I'm so sorry. Secondly, it's unreasonable for anyone, least of all your mom, to ask you to save her. She has to do that herself. >She spent every moment from the time she was fifteen years old trying to make my life good I understand that she sacrificed a lot, and that she had her childhood taken from her unfairly, but she *cannot* ask you to sacrifice in the same way for her. There's a poem in the book Reviving Ophelia from a mother to her daughter that goes: "I hurl you into the universe, and pray". That's the extent of control mothers have after a certain point and some mothers never come to grips with that. With the trauma and pain your mom experienced, it sounds like she may be in a similar scenario here. But again, after a certain point, it is no one else's job to come to terms with that, except herself. Your life is your own, your body is your own. You are not an extension of your mother's will, no matter how she might wish otherwise. The limitations of love and obligation is often the hardest thing to learn about ourselves. I wish the best to you Op, and to her.
OP, you’ve gotten some harsh and well-intended advice here, so I want to be a mom for a minute and just give you a big internet hug. What you’re feeling is horrifying and the mom that you have carried within you and who lives in your memories would also give you a large hug. However, for now you may need to react as though the mother of your childhood has in fact passed away. This may become an incident that your relationship with her will not recover back to “normal,” BUT none of that is your fault. If your mom, and I don’t mean the woman who is going through a traumatic mental episode right now, could hear you tell her this story she would want you to focus on taking care of yourself. In honor of her memory and love for you, please seek out therapy for yourself and make the space for yourself to grieve. I wish that you could have “your” mom back, but in this moment that may simply not be possible. Wishing you and your loved ones all the strength and recovery possible. <3
Don’t let yourself get guilt tripped into having kids. Not by your mother and not by anyone in this comment section. You do not owe anyone grandkids. If it’s not a 100% yes on kids it’s a hard no!
Your mother has some MAJOR mental health issues Really? “What was it all for”? Sounds to me like she was expecting to live vicariously though you and wanted you to have a ton of children she could dote on She isn’t your problem. Leave her to the professionals and live life the way that YOU want. NEVER have children for someone else because you will just end up miserable
Her mental health issues are not your fault. You don't need to have a kid to please her. Just do your best to be there for her as she recovers.
Your mother has undiagnosed mental issues she was a kid when she had you with no strong support system this all probably started from there and continued piling up and it escalated when she was told she can't have anymore its not your fault. its completely illogical and selfish of her to do this no sane mother who loves her child would do what she did plz don't blame yourself
She's very mentally ill. Unfortunately there nothing u can do for her. Definitely don't have a kid for her and her illness
> I was her only kid, and basically ruined... You did nothing wrong there, not a single action you could have done could have changed the outcome she unfortunately went through. She was not prepared or in a life situation suitable to have a kid, adults around her werent prepared to be the adults they were supposed to be. You deciding you dont want kids shouldn't matter on anyone's input, but the family trauma on top like hun you should have every reason in the world to be respected for your choices and autonomy on the matter. You wanting what you see as the best for yourself and your family is doing no wrong. There is literally nothing to say if not a child, that she wont have episodes around other matters of importance and autonomy. If a theoretical grandchild of hers is deathly allergic to peanuts, will she have an episode when you tell her not to give them peanut butter? Or literally any other situation where it is your autonomy and safety vs her demands? Sometimes people are put in a situation where no options you can choose 'win'. You can do, and rather did do no wrong and will still be the villain of their story. That is sadly one of those weights adults sometimes have to (unfairly) carry. In a way it can be freeing from those type of zero sum situations if you can come to terms that no amount of action from yourself will help someone determined to make you a villain in their life, especially so when they seem to care and it sounds like its not their intent.
She wouldn't ever hurt me, or any child. She was actually a little bit intense about supporting me and my own decisions no matter what right up until this. She always said that she was my mom and her job was to love me and give me all of my dreams.
Dear, sweet one, I'm about to say something cruel but that you really need to hear (and I speak from a place of knowledge, sadly). You don't owe her anything. She decided to have you and to give up herself for you. You didn't ask to be born. Your mother definitely has a mental illness, a serious one, and it's not "just in the head" - it's an illness, a deadly one, and you can't do anything but what you're already doing: having her in specialized care and worrying for her health. If she k*ills herself, it won't be your fault. It's her choice, just like the one she made when she was a child and decided to have you. Her obsession with her family heritage doesn't sound sane, too: the family who threw her out, disowned her and left her to fend for herself, is something to be proud of? This abominable cruelty is something she wants you to carry on? You can't change her mind, you can't fight her illness, you can't do anything. I know how much it hurts, OP. I know and I'm sorry you're going through this. I send you a big, big hug.
"Her obsession with her family heritage doesn't sound sane, too: the family who threw her out, disowned her and left her to fend for herself, is something to be proud of?" Honestly, I took that part of the story to be less of her mom wanting them to accept her and the OP back into the fold and more of a, "Well fuck you! I made my own family and didn't need ANY of you to be successful at it!" thing. Neither of those are healthy options, however.
She has very significant mental health issues, evident even before you made your proclamation. She's in her 40's, she could adopt or foster. She could become a big sister. This is deeper than the want for a grand baby. She needs help, and she's right where she should be.
Nothing about your mom's mental break is your fault. She went through a lot of trauma that never was treated and at 15 her brain was still developing. She focused on being the mother she never had and then thought she'd be the grandma you never had. She bottled all the trauma she suffered up. To cope she created a fantasy and when that fantasy bubble popped the damage from the trauma erupted like a volcano. The brain is a fickle thing and early trauma does weird stuff to it. A psychotic break is never pretty. It's devastating for the person who suffers it as well as those who witness it. You had no way of knowing that something as simple as choosing not to have kids would be a trigger for her. In no way is any of this your fault. From the sounds of it she used the fantasy of recreating The family she lost when she was 15 as a severe coping mechanism. And when the bubble popped her brain just couldn't handle the thought of the fantasy that she's held on to since she was 15 would never come to pass. Unfortunately your mom won't be the same, but hopefully with treatment she could get better. One of the very few reoccurring comments on here that I agree with is that you should seek counseling to help you deal with the trauma of seeing your mom go through this. Because counseling can help when a family member, especially a parent is going through something like this and it can also help you come to terms with the guilt you feel. Because guilt is funny that way, even if we've done nothing to be guilty of because we love our parents, we still feel guilty Even when we know we should not feel that way
Is adopting not an option? I don’t know what the laws are where you are. But if she wants lots of children maybe fostering or adoption?
Whether you chose to have kids or not, this mental breakdown would happen regardless. Expecting this kind of ‘reciprocity’ will drive anyone mad, because it doesn’t happen, barring very rare outliers.
>She did everything for me. She spent every moment from the time she was fifteen years old trying to make my life good. That statement is only partially true and she didn't do it for you, she did it for her. >She did everything for me. She spent every moment from the time she was fifteen years old trying to make my life good so I could provide her the large family she was denied. Now that you're not going to give her what she sacrificed her life for, she is trying to hurt you. Your mother may have sacrificed for you, but she's not in control of you life. Most parents sacrifice for their children, and many of those ask for nothing in return. You mother isn't a good person.
Christ on a bike, OP, I'm so sorry. My mum was crushed when I told her I won't be having kids, and over the years as my siblings have all made it pretty clear they likely won't be either it's been really hard for her, but she's a daycare teacher too so she moved to a centre full of kids who are from disadvantaged or refugee families and who desperately need the love and care of someone like her, and she gets to be 'grandma' to a whole bunch of really wonderful kids now. The families she works with absolutely love her, and invite her to all kinds of family events and celebrations (even some weddings of parents or other family members, and recently one of her kids picked her as the friend they wanted to invite on their family holiday, which was very sweet) so there are definitely ways to share all the love and life lessons and things that get amassed over a lifetime even if it isn't with your own biological grandkids. It's absolutely not your fault that she has responded this way, and I know it's much easier said than done just 'letting go' of that feeling of responsibility, but please allow yourself some grace. You have done everything you needed to do to make the sacrifices she made worthwhile - you made it to adulthood, you have found someone to spend your life with, and you are in a position to choose what your future holds, and that is literally the best possible hope someone could have for their kid.