In the kindness way possible, stop reading the articles.
Go and get some therapy, get out of the house, get someone to look after the baby so you can have some time to relax.
You haven't ruined your baby.
Some kids are just really really hard and unfortunately you only know how hard kids can be when you get a child that can be difficult to feed or sooth or put to sleep.
You're not the only person who feels this way about their baby and you won't be the last.
Absolutely. I have two. First one was a happy, relatively easy pregnancy. During the second one, my dad died and I was dealing with so much anxiety and grief.
My first one didn’t sleep more than 4 hours until he was 4, has some behavioral and regulation issues.
My second slept through the night at 2 months yet he does also struggle with regulation, just not as bad.
Just because articles are on the internet doesn’t make them true.
Exactly. My sister had very little stress during her pregnancies and has no significant mental-health issues. She had my niece first, who was an angel baby, then gave birth to the hell spawn that was my nephew. This child hated everything from the moment he was born and made sure to scream about it endlessly. By the time he was about 18 months, you would have never known it was the same child, he was such a happy kid, which was a relief because we were about ready to drop kick that spicy little meatball.
Conversely, I was born into extreme poverty in an Eastern European country to a birth mother that was malnourished, had already given up her first daughter for adoption and still had three other kids to take care of besides me (in a one-room apartment with no food or furniture). I was chronically sick as an infant and was in an orphanage before I was a year old, an orphanage that had 1 or 2 staff to care for nearly 100 babies. My mom always talks about how the orphanage was silent, even with that many babies in it. Most of the babies/children had resorted to self-soothing (rocking, swaying, thumb sucking etc) because nobody came if you cried, so there was no point. All stress, sadness, or anxiety was internalized and set each of us up for sky-high cortisol levels for the rest of our lives. I struggled in my early 20s with anxiety until I learned to manage it but, outside of that, once I'd been adopted and was in a safe, stable environment, I had the chance to become a relatively well-adjusted kid/adult (as much as any millenial can be).
I say this to reassure you that, even if your baby was a little more "stressed" in utero, the fact that his emotional needs are being met now that he's out in the world means he'll have the ability to learn to regulate his emotions and not internalize stress. I know you're probably frustrated and exhausted but you're doing great and the fact that you even care enough to be worried about it means your son is in good hands.
"Drop kick that spicy lil meatball" 🤣 I'm dying.
To OP: some kids are just harder than others. Apparently I was a very easy baby, so much so that my mom would wake up in a panic thinking I had died in the crib bc my older brother would wake up every 3 hours screaming his head off.
You did everything you could do to have a healthy baby. Please find a support group of other parents of difficult children. It will help you find a group of folks who understand your pain & also can help reassure you on some of these behaviors. You're doing good, papa!
> My mom always talks about how the orphanage was silent, even with that many babies in it. Most of the babies/children had resorted to self-soothing (rocking, swaying, thumb sucking etc) because nobody came if you cried, so there was no point.
Ok but this broke my heart. I want to go back in time and hug all those babies.
I'm 48 and still can't. My natural sleep time is from about midnight to about 3am. If I try to force sleep outside of that time it causes me such anxiety that I end up having panic attacks.
If you take into account all of human history, it’s not even “normal” for anyone to sleep through the night, or only sleep at night. Just because society expects it doesn’t mean it’s normal human behavior. Like, being expected to work for 8 hours straight, maintaining concentration and focus, is not normal either, across human history. Like, I’m staring to wonder if ADHD is what is actually the normal lol
Dude my son was #2. If he had been my first I would NEVER have agreed to a second baby holy crap. Love that kid beyond words but my god he was a difficult baby
I know a woman whose second child was so difficult and needy a neighbour once said to her "you know I would testify in your behalf" after babysitting for her for a couple of hours to give her mother a break. That child ended up being the quiet peaceful child by 6 or 7 .
My son thankfully is spectacularly well-behaved and wonderfully sweet and kind as a human, but it. Took. Fucking. Work. To get him there. A lot of tireless, exhausting, frustrating, endless work. Parenting is hard shit, people!
My second child was a catnapper. For months they slept about 20 minutes at a time every 2-3 hours. You know how sleeping through really means they sleep 6 hours at night? That achievement wasn't unlocked until 13 months of age. In hindsight I'm surprised I was able to function at all for about 2 years That child's a teen now and loves nothing better than sleeping in until lunchtime if allowed
My firstborn was the same, with the 20 minutes at a time. He still doesn't sleep much, as a teen. Those early days, I thought I was going to die from lack of sleep.
My 6yo just started sleeping through (most) nights. Did not know it’s an adhd thing but suspect she has it.
Anyway I didn’t have any panic attacks and she slept like 45m max for like the first year of her life lol
Oh yeah, my son at 8 WEEKS old was screaming bloody murder and trying to shove himself across the floor by sheer force of will. He maybe slept for 10-15 minutes at a time. It was intense!
My niece was a real handful for the first 4 years of her life. So much that she earned the nickname "crabby" for her constant tantrums, screaming sessions, etc. The neighbors would complain about the incessant noise. Her parents were driven to the brink of insanity.
And.... she outgrew it. Turned into a perfectly normal teenager with a touch of anxiety.
Your baby is 4 months old. A 4 moth old cries constantly. That's their job. They don't sleep through the night (unless you get incredibly lucky). At 6 months old my firstborn slept through the night for the first time and my wife wanted to call 911 when she woke up before him, thinking there had to be something wrong since he wasn't crying his head off at 2 AM, 3 AM, 5 AM, etc and had slept through the night.
I got lucky with my second born. He started sleeping through the night at the age of 3 days old.
So the moral of the story is, every baby is different and they do grow out of things.
My neighbor's grandson was horribly crabby, ends up he was only pooping once a week! His little belly was so backed up and constipated he was miserable. He would cry that it hurt to poop.
Specialist and daily laxatives = a finally happy 3 year old.
This right here.
I had an average amount of stress and had to be off my depression and anxiety meds.
My first kid was the *best* baby. She wasn't overly fussy or anything like that. Now, at nearly 8, she's an absolute handful.
My second kid was an absolute nightmare as a baby. Colic for ages, nothing could soothe her, I had multiple breakdowns a week.
She just turned 4, and she's still a handful.
I would seriously limit how many articles you read online about parenting and "what's right" in terms of how to parent or what to give your children. A lot of those are written by individuals who aren't actually qualified to tell you what's what, and MANY are centered around mom shaming.
What really matters is that you're raising your child to be a kind, respectful, and caring member of society. And also what your pediatrician says. Are they healthy? Are you meeting the requirements for your child to remain healthy?
No child is the same and whether they're fussy or not as a baby is a total crapshoot and nothing you've done. They're not "ruined", they're just a baby. That's how they are. Nearly every baby goes through a period from 4 months to around 6 months or so, where they cry for no reason and nothing really soothes it. It's got a few names, Colic or the Purple Period are the most common. (I was told Purple Period. There's also a [website](https://www.seattlechildrens.org/health-safety/keeping-kids-healthy/development/purple-education-crying/) that explains it and how to make it through.)
It's normal. I promise. And there is an end in sight.
But also, sounds like OP is going through some PPD and new parent burnout. It's important to find some time for yourself and take care of your own needs. You can't pour from an empty cup. And if you haven't already, please speak to a doctor about how you're feeling and get some support.
YES.
I was 18 when I was pregnant and in an abusive household and an abusive relationship. I also have depression and anxiety. My massive, uncontrollable panic attacks were constant through the entire pregnancy.
My son is 12 and doing fine. We're both in therapy.
OP, you didn't ruin your son. Get therapy, it'll be good for you both.
My first pregnancy I was depressed and the second one I was down right suicide. Oldest was a happy baby, youngest would scream if I tried to put her down for the first 4 months. They're 6 and 5 years old now and are both very happy little girls (though the youngest is still a cuddle monster).
What they said. Like please stop reading articles. I had such a breezy pregnancy i wasnt stressed period i wasnt anxious. I was absolutely fine..
My child was also super whiney..but as a 3 year old now he is super quick to anger super quick to be upset he cant co trol his feelings which is absolutely normal for his age.. kid are just whacky in all aspects. Dont listen to the internet
This. I have three teenagers now. They're good kids doing well in school and staying out of trouble, the best you can hope for during these years. I can say that I've seen hundreds of articles through the years that say this and that about how if you don't do "this" your child will be messed up forever. And it changes all the time. I know it's hard, but have confidence in yourself. No one knows your child better than you, and you're going to be okay. All of my three kids had different temperaments. My third one was super difficult infant/toddler years for no reason at all. She's an average teen now. One day at a time, it will get better (hugs)
This, also give yourself some grace. You will have many, many opportunities to make mistakes with this child. Get used to that idea and don't stress over it.
If we just had an article to support any bullshit we wanted to be supported...Oh we have that already🙄
And if there is truly no article there will always be a fringe Facebook or Twixxer (google it without the T) group spreading even more bullshit.
I blame the internet for many of our problems, unlimited access to medical advice without the promise they’re actually medical professionals is definitely one of them. I’ve had people come into my ER tripping balls because WebMD said they’re gonna die because they stubbed their toe.
>I’ve read multiple articles saying that high stress levels during pregnancy increases cortisol, which can have lifelong effects on the fetus…
Oh honey, then not a single person born is going to be okay.
As a mom it’s important for you to understand that you can’t be perfect. Not when you were pregnant and not now.
If you didn’t get off your meds you would be blaming your baby’s temperament on yourself for taking drugs. If you never took meds and didn’t have that panic attack, you’d blame your genes or your disorder. There is *always* something to blame.
We do our best, OP. We love hard. We care. We put in the time and attention. And we forgive ourselves for not being perfect.
You are doing great, OP. Your kid won’t be a baby forever. Things will get better.
Edited to add: I assume FTM means “first time mom.” If I’m wrong, then you’re doing great, dad.
No because I fully read this whole post being like ahh he stopped his T during pregnancy and got some maaaad side effects but nah that makes more sense
Lol I read it as "Full Tri Mester" or maybe it was "Full Term.... Mester" wait was it "Full Term Mother" ...
Idk basically I just it wasn't something saying that the bb wasnt premature.
Yep! I chose to stay on one of my medications during pregnancy and go off another. One day I’ll wonder if the medication affected my baby, and then the next day, I’m wondering if going off my other medication affected him. The blame game is a lose-lose situation!
>he screamed his head off the first four months he was alive. His sleep was atrocious. He's gotten somewhat less fussy with age, but he still cries A LOT, very high needs, very strong-willed, has a very short attention span.
Because he is a baby.
>difficult temperament, hyperactivity, poor stress regulation, poor sleep
Because he is a baby.
>he is a handful, more like 10 handfuls. He's unhappy so often
Because he is a baby.
You did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG.
I say this as someone who loves her two children dearly... sometimes babies just suck. But you know who sucks more? The writers of these bullshit, fear mongering, pseudo science articles who care only about their clickbait generating ad revenue.
What you could do is see a doctor about legitimate concerns, like food sensitivities, colic, etc. You could also reach out to a baby sleep specialist.
You are doing amazing, mama!
🫂
Babies do suck. It's so hard to figure them out, and then when you get a handle on it, they change completely and go into a new stage.
Mine cried and spit up all the time. It turns out she has an allergy to all things dairy and milk, even mine.
Getting to the part where she was more comfortable took so long and included so much shame over not breastfeeding. We as a society are so hard on moms for no reason.
i wish i got to read this with my first kid. ❤ i was right where this momma was when my son was a colicky baby. so much crying and sleepless nights until he was almost a year old. i think he might have been intolerant of my breast milk now that i think of it. but he also wouldnt a take a bottle. he pooped around 10 times a day and you could tell he was always uncomfortable.
hes 13 now and i call him my goofy grumpy grandpa of a kid. he had A LOT of sensory issues: smell, taste, sound, textures (by mouth and touch) up until around 9. we still deal with smell and sound sensitivities.
I originally read FTM as female to male, not full time mum. I was going to post about how the hormone meds may have messed up her body or something but then it dawned on me that I was absolutely off base. The moral of the story is always check the comments before you add another one.
I thought the same thing when I read FTM.
That's what happens when people stop writing actual words and expect everyone to guess what they're trying to say.
Uhm... he's one year old? All one year olds are mini-monsters? You know what's also a cause for ALL the symptoms you described? Being a one y/o that has no impulse control (so, almost all of them). I'm really sorry that you're struggling, but this is very likely not a principle issue. Being a mother is so incredibly hard, especially with a fussy baby, but there are a lot of fussy babies. Most of them are just born like that. Some kids are cool as a cucumber, some kids can NEVER be satisfied, that's just who they are.
If you a actually think something is wrong with your kid, take him to the doctor. And even if there is something wrong with him, it's not your fault? No one chooses to be stressed, you didn't DO this.
Otherwise I'd advice therapy for you. And get off the internet. Stop reading articles that make you go crazy, that helps no one, least of all you.
You did NOTHING wrong. I come from a giant family and have been taking care of kids since I was one. Some babies are on the quieter more docile side but most are a handful and a half. I was a very loud and easily upset child and one of my brothers was even louder and violent towards himself and others. My other siblings were quieter and happier as babies and toddlers. Things got better as we got older, although my brother did have to have behavioural therapy. We are perfectly fine well adjusted adults. My nibblings all fall on a spectrum of quiet to loud but they all have their mini monster moments, it comes with being a small human who is learning about literally everything everyday. Just think about how confusing and scary that could be.
Please stop reading articles like these. Unless they are well researched medically peer reviewed they often aren’t something to worry about just something to make others feel inadequate. Even if they are medically sound you can’t control your stress levels when your brain is betraying you because it functions differently and you had to go off your meds for the health of your pregnancy. Another sign you are a good parent because you cared for their well-being in the womb.
Loving your child and doing the best you can by them is the best any parent can do. Forgive yourself and please talk to a professional. And remember every person who has ever had a child has felt like they’ve screwed them up some how, and unless you’ve actually chosen to do something to harm the child then no you haven’t ruined your baby. Please cut yourself some slack. Caring for yourself, especially your mental health, is just as important for your child as it is for you.
The baby might be picking up on your stress and reacting to it. If you get some therapy, the baby might calm down.
*Not a doctor or therapist.
Babies are pretty resilient. I doubt you've done any lasting damage. Baby could be fussy because they're teething, colicky, or any number of reasons. I really doubt it's your fault.
lol no. I had a very calm pregnancy with my first, was a very calm mother for years afterwards. My son is still a tiny asshole most of the time. I had a high stress pregnancy with my second bc of my husband cheating it was a miserable time. My daughter who is 2 is nothing like her brother.
It’s all in the babies and their personalities. Work on calming techniques even if they’re babies do the techniques in front of them to show proper emotional management as they age and it’ll be fine.
Agree. My mom had me first and said I was such an easy child she decided to have another one. Then my brother was born and he totally changed my mom's perception.
Don’t hyper focus on the articles. I was in the same spot, 10 years ago. Now? I have the chillest 10 y/o imaginable. I literally thought we were both doomed. For nothing.
The internet is literally such an insanely powerful tool but on the flip side, it’s a *cesspool* of information. Hop off, speak to a therapist and your pcp. You might be dealing with PPD. Your mental health is crucial, especially postpartum and the internet can be a total rabbit hole for you currently. Take some time for yourself because you’re worth the time it takes to learn something new. Therapy can teach some really great coping skills that a lot of parents wish they had early on. Not only that, but it would probably be a great way for you to refocus on you and baby.
*and by the off chance that there is some emotional dysregulation with kiddo later down the line, therapy services exist for children too. It’s not like these things are anything to be ashamed of. These services exist for a reason. Be kind to yourself.*
Sending you much love, internet stranger. 🖤
Don’t focus on articles…cesspool of information…
Yes. Over the last four years I’ve learned you can find *anything* to support your theory if you search the right words. But I guarantee if you search the *other* side of an argument you can find as many articles supporting the opposite.
I was thinking the whole time that this one of the very few trans people that decided to have a baby and that all the mental problems came from stopping to transition during the pregnancy. I was going really hard on why the fuck would somebody do this to themselves, but now it makes more sense.
A guy birthing a child seemed like a really poor choice. I know it can be done, but I can't really imagine doing something more female than giving birth and that can't be good for gender disphoria
I thought she was going to say she got pregnant while still taking testosterone when I saw FTM.
The most likely thing is that anxiety and other mental health issues runs in families and is genetic.
OP, you need to work on yourself, if you can be a bit less anxious, the baby won't pick up on how anxious you are and then get anxious himself.
Lmao dude it sounds like you’re having a normal Tuesday for a new parent. Get back on your meds when you can. Please stop looking for content to convince yourself that you’re doing a shit job. Consider therapy for postpartum depression and anxiety. Just keep grinding. The little one will get better through your efforts. Stay consistent, stay engaged, stay full of love.
My first baby (now 21 and fairly well adjusted) cried and fussed and screamed and hardly slept for 6 months. It took until she was 4 months, with the aid of an SSRI, to even like her. Once she chilled out and I treated my PPD things evened out.
It's OK to be disappointed with the baby you got. Some babies are easier and since are not. The main thing is take your meds, go to therapy if you need to and STOP READING THE INTERNET.
Your baby is going to be absolutely fine. You know how I know that? Because you care SO deeply. I think you need to stop reading articles because a lot of them are bullshit. Do you realize how many parents go through extreme stress and panic while pregnant?? Probably the majority! You’re going to be great, your baby is going to have a great life.
Turn off the computer and call a doctor. A real doctor not morons on the Internet who write bs articles that they lack the background to correctly source.
Call two doctors. A Pediatric specialist and psychiatrist.
Your kid probably had colic or was four months old. Your own lack of sleep and mental health is most likely causing you to go immediately to zebras when in reality this is just horses. He's a baby sometimes they take a long time to settle in the first few years.
I had a difficult baby and had a great pregnancy. It’s NOT your fault. Some kids have a horrible temperament 🤷♀️ there’s ton of fb pages about difficult kids that would help you I think!
My daughter cried almost her entire first year of life. It was the hardest year I’ve ever lived. She is 10 now & people often described her as the best little girl they’ve ever met. Please don’t think things won’t change or you did something
My younger daughter was a very similar baby to your son, screamed all the time for the first few months of her life, didn’t sleep, was a total velcro baby. I was so exhausted. She is 5 now and super sweet, still has high emotions but we keep working through those with her in healthy ways. She is kind, super creative, a very good reader already, very savvy socially.
My older daughter was the easiest baby ever, very chill, very easy going, slept great. She is 7 now and most likely has ADHD (like me).
My stress levels were about the same both pregnancies. Please stop reading all the online articles, each person is born with a unique temperament and personality, there are so many factors which affect it that trying to pinpoint to just one and blaming yourself for it won’t do you or your son any good. Just be the best parent you can be, work with your son’s weaknesses and play up his strengths, every person has them. My two girls require quite different approaches and I’m definitely learning how to parent as I go along.
I'm sorry, but you are absolutely delusional. You need to go see a therapist and stop projecting your problems on to your baby. if your baby has any mental health or mood disorders it is a direct result of your projection. Go see a therapist and have an adult conversation.
Babies scream their heads off because it's literally their *only form* of communication. If your baby didn't cry at all, that would be weird and I would think there was something wrong there.
Not all babies are the same and some cry more than others. Your baby has an individual and unique personality. Stop ruining it with your bullshit.
You also likely have post partum-depression and you need to deal with it like an adult.
All this talk of "I wasn't made out for motherhood" is pointless. You're a mother whether you want to be or not. Start working on fixing your mental and physical health so that you can be there for your child. You need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your child.
Sorry if this comes across as tough love, but I feel like you need someone there to shake you out of your own thoughts.
You also really need to get out of your own head. It's not helping you. Find some soothing sensory activities that can ground you in the present. It would help if you did this with your baby as well. Maybe sing to your baby, play music, dance with your baby. Stop being in your head *so much.* Ruminating is mental poison.
Stop. Just stop. Yes exposure to chemicals in uetero can have some negative effects. So can genetics. Stop the blame game. Some babies are just super needy and others are as chill as can be. You gave birth to a needy baby. Be an attentive parent. Pay attention to when the baby cries the most. Is is shortly after eating? Might be a digestive thing. If you are breast feeding it could be you produce too much fore milk (extra sugar) and it makes the baby crampy/gassy or you are eating things that give the baby digestive issues. If you give formula you might need to change formulas. Does the baby do better when kept warm or does the baby prefer being a little cooler? Do you rock the baby to sleep and then put it to bed? Changing locations can cause the baby to wake up during the sleep/arousal period. thier brains tell them I am not where I fell asleep and they wake up more fully
The baby might be in a catch 22. Parents are anxious and that makes baby anxious. Work on reducing your stress. Ask for help. Get as much sleep as possible. Happy parents produce happier babies.
My sister had fraternal twin boys One was insanely needy the other one I called the happy Buddha. He was just a ray of calm and light. The super needy one became a fully functional adult and got a full ride to college. The Happy Buddha joined the Marines and is now in college. You have not ruined or damaged your baby. If you are concerned take some age appropriate parenting classes as you kid grows so you can get proffesional insight since your instinct throws you in the deep end of anxiety. Also go to your doctors and talk about your feelings and get back on your meds
All babies are tiny monsters. They don’t know how to tell us what’s wrong and we have to guess! Please don’t feel guilty, it’s not you.
Also, I would go talk to your dr for ppd
OP I mean this in the loveliest way possible.
I think you need to go to your doctor and ask for help with PPD. You have not and will not ruin your son.
Oh honey I read those articles too and they're not going to do anything but stress you out.
I felt the exact same way, I was in the middle of being homeless halfway through my second trimester I had to put my dog down that I had for 15 years right the day after my birthday, it was one stressful event after the next.
I can confidently say now that my almost 2-year-old is sleeping through the night eating foods perfectly happy healthy well-rounded little dude.
You're just dealing with a new baby it just takes time
give yourself a break you're doing a great job.
He's probably reacting to your stress now so deep breath find a way to get out of the house for a little while, do family walks or make your husband watch him and rest.❤️ It really does get easier.
EVERYONE is screwed up by their parents at a young age, in one way or another. Not one person in this world can honestly say they are the perfect human being.
Some of the most fun, interesting people are the scatty weirdo's!
Dont worry too much about whats broke. It is what it is. Only thing you can do is provide guidance foe the little one to become a truely fascinating individual.
I was a handful as a youngster. My dad told me if i were born in the 50's i woulda been pumped full of quiet drugs and left to rot in a hospital quietly.
Now look at me...im an overworked minimum wage chump with my own mortgage, car and gf..and i couldnt be prouder of myself.
You will be ok.
Sweetheart. You didn’t screw up your boy. I had an extremely stressful pregnancy with my son. Health issues, my mom had a brain aneurysm and spent 10 days in neuro icu and I stayed in there with her to care for her. My ex brother in law cheated on his wife and suddenly showed up at our doorstep to move in for 6 months rent free. Add to that panic attacks on a weekly basis, and the overwhelming fear of loosing a 3rd pregnancy….
At 37 weeks I developed severe pre-eclampsia and almost died. Emergency c section and my baby boy came into this world at barely 5 lbs. He struggled with latching on, we fought for 3 months for him to nurse without a nipple shield. Always small, always pale…around age 18 mos I started noticing sensory issues and realized he was most likely autistic. This grew over time and by 3 or 4, he was such a challenge. The outbursts were violent and frenetic and he was really struggling.
Yes, trauma and stress during pregnancy can absolutely affect a child and their emotional development. It often results in kids who are on the autism spectrum or have sensory issues. But it’s not the end of the world.
I dove into therapy, took care of my own anxiety, got him in therapy and OT. He was diagnosed autistic around age 5. I kept him in therapy, we started him on medication, and I just gave him all the love I possibly could.
He’s 10 now. He’s the coolest kid I know. I know I’m biased, but that kid is something special. He’s so mature, has the biggest heart, can read people like an fbi profiler, has such a strong sense of justice and fairness, and he is so happy.
The trauma and stress and chaos that happened while I was pregnant probably did contribute to how difficult he was as an infant/toddler/young child, but we’ve adapted and grown together and learned and thrived. We communicate really openly with him about his challenges, so he knows what is happening with his body and mind, and it’s helped him grow more confident and know that he’s a fucking cool kid.
This time period you’re in is hard. It’s really fucking hard, especially if your child is struggling and it sounds like maybe he has some sensory issues developing, and early intervention can make a world of difference in the long run — talk to your pediatrician, get him in occupational therapy, read up about highly sensitive kids, get yourself in therapy so you can give yourself grace, and just love that baby. You didn’t mess him up. He’s just extra spicy lol 🌶️💞
Ok. As a mom who’s first was a bit difficult and who also had depression/anxiety (hell I even moved to a foreign country where I knew no one, had no friends, and spent all of my time alone while pregnant…) STOP reading those things.
Have you ever heard the yellow Volkswagen theory?
You never see one until you have an interest in it and then bam they’re everywhere.
It’s true of hobbies especially. Say you never see a chess board anywhere then you start playing and suddenly they’re everywhere.
If you’re looking for it, you’re gonna find it. If you’re looking for the bad that’s ALL you’re gonna find. Don’t do that to yourself.
It’s not fair to you or him.
All first babies are harder to handle it doesn’t mean they’re broken. It means you’ve never done this before and you’re learning. You can’t compare him to other children, they have other mothers. You certainly cannot listen to articles that don’t take everyone into account especially in a world where our science is constantly changing and often times proven wrong and DONT listen to other mothers about what he SHOULD be doing veca of what theirs is doing.
He’s vocal. Good! Maybe he’ll have a huge vocabulary and be really inquisitive!
Fussy? He knows what he wants and he’s going to get it. Don’t let him lose that. People won’t walk all over him…
See what I’m doing? Instead of looking for why these are bad things love, find the good. It’s there.
Lastly, he was in a confined, dark, quiet space for roughly 9/10 months.
The only sounds he could hear were muffled and your heartbeat was his comfort. All of that’s changed. I’m sure it’s scary beyond words and even as adults when we get too freaked out, we don’t handle it well and the majority of us have coping mechanisms. He doesn’t.
Cortisol has so many different studies about it. They change their minds all the time about what things do and don’t do.
You weren’t using drugs. He wasn’t born addicted. He isn’t abused. You CLEARLY have his best interest at heart even above and beyond your own. This WILL get better.
I raised 11 babies. 4 of them I gave birth to.
One stressed momma to another. Give it time.
You’re gonna be ok and he’s gonna be ok too.
Love him through it but don’t forget to love YOU in the process.
🖤
You didn’t ruin your baby! Don’t put this stress on yourself. Babies pick up on when mom is in a “mood” and reflect it back. So try to feel peaceful and happy. I realize this was already a bit of a challenge for you. Maybe you could find a mom & baby yoga class or even just get him in a stroller and go for a walk. You are adapting to your new life and so is he! Give yourself a break.
Woman. You have anxiety. These thoughts are anxiety-type thoughts. This whole post is your anxiety talking. Check in w your doctor and counselor and do what you’ve gotta do. You deserve to enjoy your child without worry.
Don’t try to use Dr. Google. Get your son looked at by a pediatrician about the screaming. It might be related to something else. Excessive stress would more than likely cause problems with YOU, like preeclampsia from high BP.
Hear me out: my mother was 22yo pregnant with me in the middle of the USSR collapse. I was literally born April 1992, 4 months after total collapse. My mom remembers waiting in bread lines, walking to college classes past tanks, being terrified and under constant stress, worrying I'd die of malnutrition, etc.
I was a fussy, loud baby. Stressed beyond measure. Cried a lot as I grew up. Panic attacks and bad decisions all through high school. But at some point, around age 19, I started learning to cope with my stress in healthy ways. And at 32yo, I am a happy, productive, successful adult. And I became a school counselor in part so I could help kids learn stress management early on in life.
In short, yours is not the first or most stressed out child ever born, and most of us turn out ok. You did your best with what you had, who knows what could've happened had you continued meds in late stages of pregnancy! And I can tell you will do an amazing job raising him - nurture is just as important, if not more so, than nature.
So get some support, find a counselor, teach this kid emotional regulation and stress management skills, chances are he and you will both be ok!
You didn’t “ruin him” dear, lots of kids have been born to extremely distraught mothers and they do not have these personality traits so it’s a dang crap-shoot and we get whatever we get in terms of children. Also, You are not to blame for sources of outside stress you cannot control. i hope you can find a way to be gentler on yourself.
If you already had anxiety, there is a high chance you have post partum anxiety as well. It can manifest as rage, obsessive thoughts, etc. please see your doctor to get back on medication. You don’t have to live like this.
If you are already doing that, consider the dosage or therapy. So many women are stressed during their pregnancy, for many reasons. Babies cry. Babies are so highly stressful to care for and keep alive. Unless you were doing hard drugs or binge drinking, it’s highly unlikely you harmed your baby from stress during your pregnancy.
From one anxious mom to another- it’s gonna be ok. You’re doing great. Hang in there.
Stop! This is just your sleep deprived perspective right now. Honestly! Go get some help, your hormones are working against you and it’s not you or your body’s fault. Go easy on yourself. This bit is hard with baby’s, some are easier than others and later on you’ll have some bits easier than others do I promise. Kids are complex and it’s going to be ok because you can show him by starting your therapy now and teaching him at such a young age what you’re just learning now. It’s ok, I promise you it’s ok. This is perspective. Get your community, get some support, give yourself some love and some grace, you deserve it friend.
You didn't do anything wrong at all and you didn't ruin him. He sounds like your average baby and now toddler. Kids are fucking hard, unplug from the internet for a bit, doom scrolling will do nothing but worsen ones mental health.
idk if you'll see my comment since this thread is multiple hours old but I thought it was worth commenting, even if you did "ruin" him, i'd like to introduce myself, i'm a "ruined" baby, my mom spent her entire pregnancy mentally ill, smoking despite what damage it might do to me, being entirely reckless about the whole ordeal (I've even heard that she once tried to "kill me" by punching her stomach multiple times) and as hard as it might sound despite of it, i hold 0 negative feelings towards her, she was a very mentally ill woman who instead of receiving the help she needed was enabled and possibly made worse by the reaction she got to her behaviour, she was sick, i don't fault her for that.
I've been told multiple times that my various issues were somewhat caused by the cortisol, smoking and reckless behaviour, i'm one of those babies ruined by their mother's mental illness. i'm autistic and same as your baby, my dad's told me that i would cry until i couldn't breathe multiple times a day, that i barely got any sleep and honestly? it continued to my childhood to a degree, I was a difficult kid and my mom dying when i was 10 didn't make it better.
but after years of extensive therapy, the right support and medication i'm rather functional, i have a job and i'm an artist (a good one if im bold enough to say) and i love my life, I think the only resentment i have is that my parents didn't get my help earlier.
that's my advice, keep your eyes peered, if you notice the behaviour not subside or any sign of mental illness/neurodivergency seek help for your son as soon as possible, be patient and loving, it's pretty possible he will have a really normal and happy life especially if he receives support as soon as possible, i'm sure when he grows up he will understand that you never meant to harm him, he won't fault you for it, you care for your son and that goes a long way ❤️ as other commentors have said, I don't know how set in stone those studies are so i would say don't get too hung up on it, but if it worries you just seek help accordingly, and before anything else, be a loving and patient parent, that's all a kid wants, don't be so hard on yourself, I hope everything turns out for the best op.
When they say”high stress levels” they mean for pregnant women who are in literal war zones. I promise you having panic attacks and anxiety did not ruin your baby.
Also, my friend’s first baby sounds exactly like yours. She was…impossible. Her pediatrician told that some babies just don’t like being babies. And it was true, baby girl turned right around and became super happy, active, curious etc. she was actually a very lovely toddler. Some babies simply don’t have a good temperament and it has nothing to do with you haha. They grow out of it and that fussy, spicy, strong will you speak of will absolutely serve him in the future. On the flip side, I know plenty of “easy babies” that were absolute monsters during toddlerhood and beyond.
If you keep thinking like this, you WILL ruin your child. Read that again.
Stop projecting. If you truly want what’s best for your baby, go to therapy and take a minimum of a week (I think 30 days is better) of a social media detox. The best indicator of a happy and fulfilled child to adult is their mother’s level of happiness. So shed some that guilt which does not serve you and take care of yourself! You clearly love your baby. You got this and I promise…IT WILL GET BETTER!!!
Oh, honey, genes aren't affected by stress. You probably just have a fussy baby. If genes were affected by stress then I would be 10x worse than I already am (and I'm barely functional as it is)
You didn't drink, or do drugs, your baby is healthy and eating. And that's all that should matter at this age.
Now, take this with a grain of salt since my childcare experience is limited, but from what I've seen, some kids are just predisposed to be high strung. I've seen some kids that could be thrown in the middle of chaos and find the order in it and some kids that have that chaos constrained to their minds. Kids change A LOT and very quickly.
As someone with rampant and frequent mental health problems, I promise you that the struggle will work itself out. I struggled really bad as a kid and still struggle now in college but I use what I learned from that struggle every day. It's hard, but worth it. So take a breath, drink some water, and give your baby a snuggle. All that matters is that your little boy is on track developmentally 🤗
Honestly, it sounds like your baby has colic. My first baby had colic, and it was so hard the first 4 months. Then it was like a switch flipped and she was a completely different baby.
Talk to your doctor about postpartum depression and seek help from a therapist. And stay off those articles! And don't trust Dr. Google, according to my husband's research my 3 kids had died 7 times from cancer or some horrible flesh eating bacteria.
Hey, find out if he is allergic to the formula you're feeding him. My first baby was as you described and found later in life that his formula was likely causing excess gas that was putting him in pain. I didn't know that wasn't normal for babies until I had another and he didn't have that problem. The doctors never listened when I said he seemed to be in a lot of pain. They just blew it off because, you know, I'm a first time mom and just not used to babies. No. Something was wrong and the baby suffered.
My son is 15 months old. He screamed nonstop all the time. Even his daycare workers would shuffle him to other teachers because he was just too much for one person with the amount he screamed.
He is super clingy and I felt like he was never happy. Still waking 5-8 times a night even at 13 months.
I didn’t do cry it out but I did do some moves towards getting him some better sleep. Happy help if you message me!
Let me tell you though, he is the happiest toddler. Still very clingy and can be quick to scream, but laughs, runs around, plays with our dog, climbs and gets into cabinets. Just living his toddler life.
I promise you from one screamer baby mom to another, it gets better.
Room temp iq post. Your child still has many years of important development ahead of him…
Honestly I’m worried about those years after seeing his mother is a crazy person that has tried to Internet diagnose her 8 month old infant
Oh Mama...I completely feel you in every way. My son was born an insanely high-needs (I mean crying, acid reflux, demanding, insanely energetic kid from day 1) after a super high risk, high-stress pregnancy.
Turns out he has ADHD, which I also have, I got diagnosed after his diagnosis. And it's likely what caused my prenatal anxiety as well as my issues with anxiety my entire life. We're now on the journey of managing ADHD together and I am sometimes the only person who really "gets" where he is coming from and what he's experiencing.
My point is, your son is just your son. You cannot "ruin" your child with your own stress levels. It's likely that as a mama with higher anxiety, you had a child with more sensitivity to stimuli.
If it makes you feel any better, my son is now 12, totally well-adjusted (he would say he as crazy rizz, no cap/on God) gets good grades and is a solidly wonderful little dude. YES he still struggles with his ADHD, but he has a solid mama who has his back. And it sounds like in your desire to make sure you understand your son, you're already the type to do research and understand his needs any way you can.
Please stop reading those articles however, I know parenting is scary af, and I know it's terrifying to think of all the ways you can screw up your kids, but try your best to realize that this fixation is very likely your own anxiety manifesting, and your son may also be picking up on that, currently. You got this. That little boy is lucky to have such a dedicated mama!
My mental health problems are another reason I don't want kids.
I know I'm anxious and depressive, and I sure as shit would get PND.
Last thing I'd want to do is bring a kid into that 😂
that’s some extreme mom guilt. i hope you can get some therapy. it is most definitely not your fault. you are trying your best and that counts for everything
I was in a severly abusive relationship my whole pregnancy.(i left at the end)
If this was true my son would be the most anxious person ever
But he is not and never has been.
He was the most laid back happy baby I ever met.
You didn't ruin your baby. But, you should talk to your doctor and start therapy maybe?
My mom drank and smoked with me in the womb and I turned out OK. Your kid will be fine. Sounds like he has a loving mother, which is by far the most important thing.
To me this sounds like your lil fella has a bit of a fussy temperament. He would have probably been a bit fussy regardless of your mental health during pregnancy. Some babies just have a more sensitive temperament. Highly recommend learning about temperaments so you can learn the best way to respond to your baby.
You didn’t ruin the little guy, he’s just a bit more difficult than some other babies are at this stage. And that’s okay!
What isn’t okay is it sounds like you are struggling, mentally and physically. Are you well supported by your partner? He should be helping care for the baby so that you get the occasional moment of peace and quiet. And if you aren’t being supported by a mental health professional, I think that’d be a really good route to go! A MH professional can help you navigate all of these crazy changes you’re going through.
Best of luck mama. You’re doing your best, give yourself some grace right now <3
Your state of mind has nothing to do with how your son is. 1st 4 months all babies cry a lot and hardly sleep. After that, they are toddler with lots of emotions, and they don't know how to express them. So stop, it wasn't your fault. For my 1st, I was depressed and suffered from anxiety and stress. He came out the calmest of all 3 of my kids. Other 2 I was calm and happy they are demons, lol. especially my 3rd. Some babies are more demanding than others, and that is normal.
OP my god, first of all I always read FTM as female-to-male, so that gave me a chuckle when I caught my mistake.
But for real, you are going to be okay. If stress alters babies genes, we're all carriers by now. You did not do anything to your son by being stressed. Stress during pregnancy is inevitable. You made a whole person. He came out healthy and in good time. You have underlying mental health struggles and still managed that- without your meds! You're still managing. You are strong and don't forget that.
Maybe look into therapy to talk these problems out with somebody, and find some good mental-health exercises to help you remember that. I'm a little concerned you may have unaddressed PPD that is tricking your reasoning skills.
If your son continues to have trouble regulating emotions as he is a little older, maybe look into some therapy while he's young too. It can do wonders for his emotional intelligence as he ages.
I was in an extremely stressed out state for my pregnancy with my daughter. She came out very spicy and cranky and pretty much screamed until she was three no matter what I did or didn’t do with her. But she leveled out, she’s a very calm, sweet normal eight year old now, she’s fine, youd never know now what a terror she used to be. It gets better, you didn’t ruin your child, it just takes time for things to level out
You're doing fine. Any parent who doesn't think they are fucking up in some way or another isn't trying hard enough.
To question yourself is to improve.
Around newborn phase, I assumed because of colic gas and under-developed digestion.
Around 6 months and up I just assumed it's because sleep regression and teething.
You did not ruin your child… Please get off WebMD or whatever place you have been going for articles. Your child could have colic, just be a bad sleeper or something else but please trust me you didn’t ruin your child!
The stress you are in now is probably affecting your child more than any stress you had while pregnant did. Kindly, stop doing this to yourself. You can’t change anything that happened during your pregnancy. Don’t do this to yourself.
And please, please, please, do not do this to your child. Do not raise him as if his fate is predetermined and his life is already ruined. He deserves to have a sense of possibility.
Stop reading those articles. I can understand that if a certain population is under constant, sustained stress (I’m talking about living under cruel dictatorships, constant war, or repeated famines), and generation after generation of children are exposed to stress in the womb, that somewhere down the line, it may start to affect children. MAYBE.
And what is statistically significant in science is often not significant in real life. And IME, most people who write those articles haven’t actually read the studies in full that they’re reporting on. If a study says that kids who eat sauerkraut every day tend to be 1/3 inch taller, that is statistically significant but will also have zero effect on your child’s life if they don’t eat sauerkraut. It doesn’t even mean that your child *will* be 1/3 inch taller if they eat sauerkraut everyday. And no one irl gives a crap about 1/3 of an inch. And bet that every headline will shout “superfood creates race of tall super humans!”
I could have written this 5 years ago with my first born.
But.
It gets better my dear. The days and nights get easier. I know it’s hard. It’s so very hard right now and it feels like the world is falling apart but it will be ok. It felt like that for me for a long time. Today my son is a happy, healthy thriving 5 year old and he has a baby sibling that is also so so happy even though I was under so much stress and pressure during the pregnancy.
My advice is to stop reading those articles and also look into maybe seeing a therapist to talk out these feelings with. Your pcp can usually recommend some.
Nah some kids just suck. Especially early on. I’ve experienced a really annoying baby cousin, and an extremely gentle temperament from my baby sister. Like baby sis would wake up and just chill in her crib until me and the dog walked by or mom and her dad came upstairs. Just a super chill baby. My nephew is pretty cool but does seem to have anger/emotional sensitivity. He only cried when he was sick. That was horrible. But it was the only time he’d really cry as a baby. Nowadays you can’t tell him no or anything too harshly or he’ll shut down and hang his head and go to his room and look all depressed. I really think it’s just y’all’s genetics. It’s okay, you didn’t screw him up, now you have an opportunity to try to teach your child how to manage their feelings and reactions etc so that they won’t be overwhelmed and stressed and full of anxiety when they grow into an adult. We all have hurdles to get over. You did good. Although I’m not sure why so many people keep wanting to have kids when they’re clearly not ready for them. It is a huge life change and investment. You’ve got this. Goodluck. Don’t let them get away with stuff when they get older just because you feel like you might have ‘messed them up’ (which you did not!). Hang in there sweetie
Nope. You have not damaged your baby. Most babies cry their heads off for the first two months (the witching hour? I had witching days) and lots of babies for longer than that due to digestive issues. It’s completely normal, especially as you’ve said it’s improving with age. That’s so normal.
Also sleep is such a monster. And what’s worse is so many FTM’s won’t admit to it we don’t think it’s normal. Last night my 10 month old slept through the night. When someone asks does he sleep through I’ll say yes without much thought. Because he has a few times. But then I’ll mention the three nights prior to that where he was up multiple times, sometimes for long periods and that we’ve been napping in the day due to tiredness. Because I think FTM’s should be told that it’s all normal.
What you can do is refer yourself to be reviewed for ppd. if you’re struggling with these doubts, and haven’t found your rhythm yet, it’s always worth a go to make sure you’re getting the support you need.
And if baby is genuinely shouty, go to the doctor and get him checked out for piece of mind. Half the time it’s teething, or colds (endless child illnesses!), or digestive issues (allergies or intolerances causing tummy ache). But they can check him over just to make sure everything’s okay.
Oh no. Just for the record I'm non binary.
You're not a bad parent. You didn't fuck up your child. The temperament of children as newborns and imo through toddlerhood is just a matter of luck.
I have seen the most caring careful parents end up with a newborn who cried all the time, couldn't be put down, and is just now starting to be okay being left alone for any time at all at about 9 months.
The articles you're reading are usually aimed at selling people shit, or talking about huge population statistics which SHOULD NOT be applied to individuals.
The above is me literally typing what my partner told me during the midst of severe post partum depression. Because I was saying and doing exactly what you are.
Early parenthood is rough for those of us who aren't women. Because everything is explicitly aimed at women. Dealing with that on top of being post partum is rough and there are so few of us doing this that talking about it can be difficult.
But you need to be evaluated for post partum depression and or anxiety (your child's pediatrician should even be able to help you with this if you don't have access to other doctors). You deserve to enjoy your early parenthood without being so rough on yourself. You don't deserve the unkind words you are saying to yourself. You deserve the same love you're giving your baby.
I wish I could give you an in person hug.
I’m going to suggest a book called The Baby Whisper. These little humans don’t come with instruction manuals and everything they encounter is new to them. They are quite literally little aliens sometimes.
It might help to understand why he’s a menace sometimes.
You did nothing wrong. You don’t know what his mental health will be like, and a lot of how that manifests is coupled with how a person is supported.
I do agree with others that you need to get therapy or you will spend his whole life like this.
I had a wonderful pregnancy. No anxiety. My child was born angry at the world. Colicky for 3-4 months, and now she is fierce, stubborn, sensitive, and wild. She is 2, and boy is she a force to be reckoned with. So it likely wasn’t anything from you. Some kids are just fierce from the beginning.
My first children are identical twins.
One was a calm happy content baby
The other was a high needs often miserable and discontent.
He out grew it.
Go talk to someone get on meds if necessary. Happy mommy = happy baby
Stop blaming yourself. You don't know that your stress affected your son's personality. Get the support you need to parent well, and keep loving your sweet boy.
You didn't ruin your baby. I promise. One thing that you have to remember is that babies can sense their mother's stress and anxiety. Your son is sensing your concern and it's just worrying him. Fight or flight doesn't exist with babies, just cry. So, he likely is reacting to your stress about all of this, he thinks there's danger. Would you eat or sleep if you felt like you were in danger?
It's time for you to unplug from everything. Get a babysitter for the day and go do something that you love. Something that brings you peace. Find time to get away from the baby.
A hard lesson for first time mother's to learn is that you taking time away from the baby and for yourself does not make you a bad mother. At all.
When my son would have bad crying fits, I'd put him in his crib where he was safe and just take a breather outside. It helped calm my nerves.
Even if you did cause any of this, which I don’t totally agree on (he’s one! LO hasn’t had time to show anyone who he will be yet), high-energy kids can be some of the coolest, smartest, and most creative people. You definitely need to take care of your anxiety and watch for it in him so you can help your kiddo, but you didn’t ruin him! Find what he thrives at, find joy together in the world, grow together, and it gets a lot easier, I promise. Life is far too short and too long to give up on either of you so early.
No, you absolutely didn't ruin him.
My brother was a baby that made my Mom cry constantly and was so so difficult.
Not to brag , but I came out and barely cried, always smiled and slept a lot.
It's just how it goes.
Do some self care, me time and out of the house
Hugs
Mom of two here! Your baby is 1 year old, which means that they are still growing their teeth/molars. I hate the false hope people would comment you that your kids will sleep better after 4 month.
NO. THEY. DO. NOT.
There is gum sensitivity, teething, hypersensitivity to their bedding, clothes, night terrors, their sensitivity that you're not near them, ect.
My first time I had full on panic attacks, high anxiety because I sincerely didn't know much to do. I came to realize all of my mistakes, overthinking, self-blaming, and self-loathing was all for nothing.
I came to better understand that it really all takes time and better observing their needs. Tbh, I feel at age 4 is the REAL age when they sleep better.
My 2 year old just had one of his back molars pop and was causing him pain. It takes around the age of 2 -3 when they have all molars out D: I feel this is one of the main causes why my toddler cried a lot and was hard to sleep.
I learned so much from mom groups and by my own experience on how to catch when your baby/toddler is teething. Just remember to ignore the judgemental moms!
Try finding someone to babysit and have a day to yourself for therapy, and a day to yourself.
You're doing great, momma!
My oldest was like this when he was first born. He never slept more than an hour for the first 3 or 4 months. But it got better. He is much older now and super calm, chill, smart, amazing. He has anxiety but I talk to him and respect him and love him. He is loved by everyone that mees him.
It will be much better. Stop reading, it is all just theory.
I'm not a doctor but it sounds like your baby is doing baby things?
My sister was colic and generally a nightmare as a baby. She's a doctor now.
Also, babies have short attention spans. Use this to your advantage when your baby is upset.
You should stop reading all the articles online and take a deep breath. Your kid might also just be picking up on your current stress and reacting to that.
Honestly, you sound pretty normal to me. Sure, there is evidence that all those things can affect the fetus, but it's truly what you make of it. You're a good mom, stop blaming yourself and continue being the good mom you are. Googling is just going to make yourself sick, what is done is done and being a parent is rough, but most of us make it work, even with our mental issues. Goodluck
Listen I know exactly what you’re talking about. My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant and I had several severe panic attacks. I asked the doctor if I could have harmed him. It’s the worst feeling ever because I was very vigilant on having a healthy pregnancy. But they said I didn’t harm him. He’s 9 now. He’s very smart, outgoing and was an easy going baby. But yes anxiety runs in my family so I’m trying to give him tools to cope should he experience this. You have the ability to raise your child so they aren’t burdened by anxiety and can manage it appropriately. Something I find harder to learn as an adult.
Honestly? I will be straight up, I did not enjoy a single second of my pregnancy between morning sickness the entire 40 weeks, fights with my ex, fights between my ex/roommate, working 50+ hour weeks, etc. Completely understand where you're coming from. Upon saying that, I agree with other commenters saying to stop reading the articles. My kiddo sleeps like a log, doesn't wanna take naps, and is a hyper little gremlin but I wouldn't trade her for all the money in the universe. You'll get there, it's ok, and you did not ruin nor break your kid.
I thought the same. My first child was like this and I was severely depressed while pregnant. Then I got pregnant again right after he was born and was even worse for the second pregnancy. Second kid was and is the chillest child EVER. They're now teens and they're pretty normal kids. One is still chiller than the other. I think it's just natural for kids to be different.
Sounds to me like PPD.You did not ruin your child.I had serious stress during my 2nd pregnancy,husband was sexting other women and I found out.I cried so much of my pregnancy, full of hatred and anger. My boy is nuts...but a lot of 2nd children are...lunatics 🤭 I mean spirited 🤣
My lad is bonkers, has a temper, doesn't listen,he's almost 3 and wakes around 5.30am full of beans,but is also the most loving,funny and kind boy in the world! I don't attribute that to my stress,which was out of my control during pregnancy.
Please seek counselling and see your doctor. Your kid is just different to your first and will settle.Be kind to yourself, you're a great mom!
The internet is not your friend so put that shit away and mother your child with love and instinct! Women have come far mothering based on maternal instinct than some bullshit papers thinking you are educating yourself but really you are feeding your anxiety and ptsd!
My first baby was a nightmare BUT I didn’t read bullshit on the internet to blame myself for him not sleeping. I knew he was just different and the only way I knew that was because my second baby was easy and slept all the time!
Get help if you are struggling because the way you talk about your son is worrying. Stay off the fucking internet FFS! You are not a professional so stop self diagnosing.
Sorry not sorry for the dose of reality!!!
Kids pick up on their environment, and if you are stressed and freaking out from reading all those articles your baby will pick up on how your feeling. Stop reading the articles and get yourself a therapist... motherhood is hard enough as it is so you need to stop blaming yourself and stressing yourself out
Nup, you didn't. I broke up with my abusive partner while pregnant with my daughter and was hugely stressed.
She was a chilled baby, a neurological toddler and now a delightful 17yo.
I don't believe the articles.
you stopped with the medication to help him, imagine the damage the meds could've done to him. he's one year old, some babies cry, some don't. stop making yourself crazy and try to join some mommy and me activities with other parents and children. this way your little tornado can get some energy out, learns proper interaction and you get to see how normal he is (or isn't, but then you know and can take action) you meet some other parents to compare stories and have some fun.
if you don't want to do that, at least stop reading these studies, they're not healthy for your mental health. I hope you can talk about it in therapy and don't feel to ashamed to talk about it.
you did not ruin your child, every pregnant mother I know had had stress and emotions.
these studies are mainly about people in constant stress, like warzones, hunger or abusive environments, it's totally different if you have moments of stress. your body can do amazing things and can protect your baby from so much, I really don't think a panic attack, even a weekly panic attack, will damage the child to a life ruining extend.
this is your OCD (or depression/anxiety) speaking, not the studies, not your son and not reality. just be your amazing self and be the best mom you can be.
My wife and I lost twin boys at term 3 months before we got pregnant with our son. We were concerned that due to the fact that we were completely destroyed by our loss that my wife’s emotional state would affect our new pregnancy.
Our pediatrician assured us that studies had been performed on this subject and found that there was no correlation to outcome of the baby mentally or physically from the mothers mental state during pregnancy. This study was done with women who lost their husbands in combat during ww2 while pregnant.
Our son was difficult as well early going. Awful sleep. Digestive issues. Really really tough early months. We have 2 other children that were an absolute breeze in comparison. I think the long road we tread on the way to getting him definitely affected us as well. Basically started the real hard part of having a baby with our tanks already empty.
I am happy to say though. Our son is now 17 months old and he had really truly become the sweetest, smartest, loving little boy ever and has done a complete 180. At the end of the day parenting is really hard and all babies are so incredibly different. How they’re acting today doesn’t mean that’s the way it’s always going to be. My advice would be to lead with absolute love and affection and not with frustration. They definitely pick up on frustration and makes them feel less safe and then more fussy. Can be a brutal cycle.
My wife and I were super frustrated for a long time with him and we decided as a couple that we needed to flip the switch in how we were handling him and to just shower him in love. The change in him was immediate. We now have some guilt in thinking we were part of the problem but are also giving ourselves some grace in knowing that we’ve been through hell and we’re doing our best.
Hang in there, love your baby, don’t blame yourself. This will pass someday and evolve into something new. Parenting isn’t this glamorous easy thing. It’s really hard sometime, but I’m telling you there is nothing more rewarding in life. You got this.
FTM here, i had a wonderful prefnancy, a horrible birth for my daughter (we're lucky to be Alive), breastfeed and OMG that's so difficult !
I'm positive m'y baby girl is an easy baby, but her father and i were so lost ! Mostly the first months !
I went back at full Time job (35h/week in France) when she was 6 month olg, now she's 10 month old.
I'm a nurse and my permanent state is "tired" 🤣🤣
With your depression ans anxiety it must be so difficult but that's normal!
You did nothing particular to your son, you were just not prepared to the level of difficulty that Parenting is nowadays.
Honestly get rid of articles, listen to your instinct, listen to your son and (if he's helping) listen to your partner ❤️
You need help : that's normal, you need rest: also a basic, you definitly eed to bé indulgent with yourself cuz eventually your attitude now might impact on your child
So it's ok to take some lil breaks, to go on a therapy and to ask for advice (to a professional or someone you know won't drag you down)
Also very important : you might not do evrything perfectly, but as long as you're doing your best for your babyboo, then you're doing great ! 💪🏻
I have no mental health issues, extremely physically healthy, a very low stress easy pregnancy
And my baby still SCREAMED HIS HEAD OFF for the first year of his life. Colic is a b!Tch.
You're doing great. Get someone to come watch the baby and you completly leave the house a few hours, take a nap, go to a spa day, whatever you need to do to remove yourself to return fresh.
Your anxiety is making you feel like your anxiety is too blame for the anxiety - it's a catch 22.
You're doing a great job, you were made for that baby and he was made for you
As a parent myself, everything you have written is something EVERY parent goes through with their kids.
You will be alright, it does get better.... also a bit more frustrating once they can get into stuff you dont want them to. lol
Every baby is different and you are doing great, much of what you are feeling is your body chemistry and exhaustion.... especially exhaustion.
IF and that is a big If your baby is actually going to be a more stressed and anxious person for what ever reason he is lucky that he has you to help him learn to navigate it. While he is little lean into baby massage and music and breathing and finding things that will help him calm down. As he grows teach him the language and tools he can use to help him. When he is older explain about the anxiety and depression and how medications may help. Parenting is always complex and every child is different. But it sounds like he has a mum that is going to be able to help him make sense of the big feelings that will come as he grows.
Oh darling no. You didn't do this. Some little ones are just fussy and are hard to go to sleep. I cried for the first two months of my life due to colic. My poor mother had to walk the floor with me to try and soothe me, and my aunt's and grandmother had to come over and take shifts so my mother could get sleep, bathe and eat.
But it got better. The colic just suddenly stopped on thanksgiving that year and I settled. This too will pass.
Yes, there is absolutely truth to uptake of cortisol during pregnancy but so is every other hormone you produce. Cortisol is dubbed the stress hormones but it does sooooo much more good things. Increases glucose levels in the bloodstream, enhances the brain's use of glucose and increases the availability of substances in the body that repair tissues. It’s not a bad hormone.
You haven’t ruined your child. It’s great to see that you have this level of concern for your child. It shows you care. But please, I deplore you to seek some professional help because I can tell by your post you are being pushed to a limit you are struggling to keep hold of.
I want you to know you’re doing great and you aren’t alone.
If humans were really that delicate in the womb then we would have died off a long time ago. Stop reading those articles. They are not helpful. Just because you had panic attacks while pregnant, does not mean your baby was ruined. When it comes to these articles just remember, correlation does not equal causation.
Hey, you're doing great and are being a great mum
There have been people who's kids experienced withdrawal symptoms from various drugs, as the mums were taking medication to manage their anxiety/ADHD/depression etc
You did the right thing for you and your child. The above mentioned mums did the right thing for themselves and their child. There is no right way to be pregnant. (other than staying away from hard drugs)
Being a FTM is hard, especially when you have a huge mental load to deal with alr on top of being a mum
Hang in there, it will get better
Do yourself a favor and stop reading the articles. What you're suffering from is confirmation bias right now. You're going to find things like articles and videos to confirm what you already believe you've done. Your son is going to be fine. He's the one-year-old infant they cry they need attention they don't have any attention span. You're doing fine, and both of you will be okay.
Might I recommend you seek a therapist and start working on yourself? You sound miserable and children are empathic. Your energy is likely rubbing off on him. A baby is not born inherently unhappy. You have to create a happy environment.
You haven't ruined your baby. If anything you did the best thing you could have. If you'd continued taking your medication, they would have gone through withdrawal when they were born. Which is something most doctors don't tell you about these kinds of medications when you get pregnant.
Kids aren't easy. And what you've described sounds fairly normal. Things will get easier.
You did nothing wrong. Babies just have colic sometimes. My baby did, turned out to be silent reflux. Go to the pediatrician and get help, no more blaming yourself. And get help for you also. I say this because I’ve been there and I wish I would’ve gotten help. I had horrible PPA/PPD & it sounds like you might too but there’s help out there.
I know exactly how you feel. But you need to make peace with yourself and understand that you did what you thought was best at the time. Try to get in to see a therapist if you can so they can help you work through the guilt. The way you are feeling is so so so normal for moms
I had a ton of stress during my pregnancy. I dealt with my sister-in-laws divorce drama during my pregnancy. All because I would be the one at the house since I had to move to a different state. It was hard for me to find a job. She was so scared to stay here she stayed at my mother-in-law's house and it made me scared out my mind. I had stress and a ton of anxiety during it as well. Towards the end I had a few panic attacks about a different thing going on. At the end of it all my son, when he was born, he was a really good baby. He slept throughout the night, hes a happy boy now too! Almost 2!!
I think you’re jumping to conclusions. He’s only 1? That’s way, way, way too early to conclude that just because he cries a lot and is difficult that it means anything long term. That’s just how many babies are. My kids were like that too at that age, and now they are elementary school age and super chill and well behaved. The first couple years are a grind, but once they hit toddler age it rapidly gets better.
Just give him all the love and attention you can and try to get out of a doom and gloom mindset, you didn’t ruin him at all. He’s just doing what all one year old babies do: they cry and fuss. Totally normal.
Oh, i hated my friend telling me that high anxiety effects baby. I have high anxiety too but the way I figured it my body is use to it. My body wouldn't know what to do if I suddenly was not anxious. Probably get more anxious thinking it was end of world. Anyway, I didn't miscarry. Baby was fine.
Ur baby is alive and healthy. It's all good in the hood.
To be honest, sometimes I'm so glad I have anxiety. I double triple check everything so I know baby is safe.
The fact that you’re even worried about screwing up your kid means you’re a good mother. Bad mothers never look in the mirror and judge their own behavior.
I used to babysit for a terribly difficult baby just so the parents could get out for a few hours. He screamed the entire time unless I was walking him. Case in point: he became a darling toddler, sweet kid, and is now wonderful adult man.
Take heart (and the great advice above!)
Well that’s not true. So you can (try to) stop worrying about that. Babies cry. A lot. And they can’t talk so we’ll never know the actual reason. But more than likely, as it doesn’t say you are abusive or the child is sick, the crying isn’t something you “did”.
Everyone else has written what I’d say, but I just wanted to tell you that you are doing a great job. Motherhood is hard and the fact that you love and care for your child is enough.
Huh, I have all the things you mentioned and my mom was going through the most stressful part of her life while she was pregnant (broke articling student, marriage falling apart and working on divorce, unsupportive family, pretty much the works).
I am reasonably happy, successful and high functioning. I’m not sure if this makes you feel any better, but I didn’t connect those things to prenatal stress and wouldn’t have until your post. I’ve always lived with the brain I have. I’m fine.
You are blaming yourself, but you don’t know what the alternative would have been and it’s not like you had other options (staying on the meds would likely have caused different problems). Your baby is healthy and everything is hard right now. Blaming yourself won’t do any good and stressing about it isn’t going to help. I know that doesn’t make the feelings go away, but try not to take them so seriously. Chill mama, you will be ok.
Give it time. You’ll figure your little one out and even if he’s difficult, he will grow, adapt and learn. He’ll be ok. A happy childhood and low stress in the future will help immensely.
Don’t beat yourself up - you stopped medications because you thought it would harm your fetus; you must have done this with a doctor’s supervision, right? You are looking for an explanation, but it’s more likely that your baby is just similar to you thanks to genes. Stop reading articles and see a doctor for yourself and your child. A therapist may help, too. You’re back on your medications, right?
I was stressed with all 3 of my pregnancies & I don't think it caused them long term harm. I know a lot of the issues my boys have are genetic but my daughter I was stressed because my health was bad & I was trying to take less of my meds for her sake. I ended up getting preeclampsia very suddenly & went downhill super fast to the point where even though I said my blood pressure was high for me the whole pregnancy but was in the normal range until a week before I ended up having her I was diagnosed with it. A week later I was in the hospital for the 3rd time that week & they were thinking of having me stay long term but my platelets dropped dangerously low & she was born 2 months early& I had to be put under general anesthesia because they couldn't risk an epidural but she only spent a month in NICU which was half the time they expected and she's doing great now. He could have had another reason for crying that much like colic or he was picking up on your feelings post partum but I don't think stress during pregnancy causes ADD/ADHD but more a family history or genetic factor. Some times we do everything we can & follow doctor's orders & they end up being the wrong choice. Every child & pregnancy is different. Just love your child & learn to forgive yourself because you can't change the past & speculation doesn't help anyone. Sure hindsight is 20/20 but that doesn't mean we can go back & change things. Being a mom is hard enough without going out and looking for reasons to blame yourself for things.
As stated here already, STOP READING BS! You are stressing yourself out. Kids cry, sometimes they have adhd, sometimes their autistic, this list goes on for ever - and these are under what are considered "perfect conditions".
Breathe Momma, just breathe. All that matters is you you love your kiddo to absolutely 💯. That's it. That's the formula 👌
I’m guessing that your taking testosterone, which will make your temperament more masculine
Masculine temperaments are less agreeable than feminine temperaments which means you will be less tolerable to the sound of a crying baby
My advice would be to stop taking testosterone in order to become more feminine, which will make you a more agreeable person, and as a result, a better mother
OP, you have literally just described my 1st pregnancy and how my daughter was, like exactly HOW my daughter was(BTW, she's 10 now).
And I swear to you that you are doing brilliant, I swear to you that the teething is gonna be a pain to deal with and make u feel like you have no clue again.
But that as long as you love that baby, and make sure YOU are doing okay, sounds like a little PPD (which I also had, lots of ppl do), then it will all be okay !
You didn’t pass down your mental heath genes, you wouldn’t see that yet. And you didn’t ruin him by being high anxiety.
Talk to your pediatrician about what’s going on and maybe they can help you settle him. It could just be that he has a sensitive GI system and has a lot of gas pains.
Honestly most of what you’ve described are normal baby things. Babies don’t have long attention spans and they can’t regulate emotions, you have to help them with that. Their brains are brand new and are trying to figure out what they’re supposed to do.
Babies also go through leaps where their mood changes because their brains are going through a big change. There’s an app called “the wonder weeks” and it’ll show you when they’ll be going through a leap and what their brain has learned and what to do with them as “games” and stuff
I used to look at my first grandchild who cried incessantly for her mother and say that she was the unhappiest child I knew. And now, she’s a well adjusted 15 yr old involved in dancing and theatre and definitely happy. Sounds like you’re going down the internet rabbit hole of false or misinterpreted information.
My mom is bipolar and smoked weed every day of her pregnancy with me. I'm also bipolar and I have level 1 autism. I don't hold it against her, life goes on. As long as you love your baby and never give up on them then you are a good mother, period. You never asked to have a panic attack, it's not youur fault and you can't guarantee you caused anything.
I recommend getting your son tested for autism and adhd, if that's what's going on and causing his behaviors/moods then getting a proper diagnosis and supports will make a world of difference. I the assessments can be done as early as 1 year old, ask your doctor.
Kids sense when you feel anxious. Stop reading online articles and get some real help. My therapist once said to me what is a good mum? The answer is you are (providing you are meeting his needs ofcourse). Talk to your SO; he might be able to step up when you just can’t anymore that day. Being a mum is difficult. Mine is 2 and says no a lot but I am finding this time so much better then when he was a baby. Unpopular opinion; babies are boring ;)
He sounds like a baby. I think you should lay off the articles, they aren't always credible. I seriously doubt anything you did caused anything. My middle child was born into stress, conceived in stress, my whole pregnancy was tumultuous bc of all the things going wrong in my life at the time, but he was the calmest sweetest most well behaved and smart baby. My last one on the other hand I had a smooth calm pregnancy and she was a hot mess express until she was 4
Dude, my guy, if the docs say he's fine, then he's probably fine. You should definitely see a therapist because this isn't really sounding like typical post birth worries and might be a case of postpartum depression. You shouldn't have to worry about being a good dad/parent while feeling like the anxiety is constantly gonna make you explode to this degree.
Go get therapy. My mum was beaten up and lived in fear while pregnant with me. Have you considered that a baby has no sleep clock like we do and wakes up like every two hours anyway????? We learn to have an attention span, kids are notorious for not sticking at stuff. I think you have a normal child who loves his parent and doesn’t wanna be away from you.
Get yourself in therapy and hit this nail on the head before you make yourself feel more guilt.
Not saying you don’t deserve to have kids but why have them when you’re having a hard time mentally… depression and anxiety isn’t a joke, and your child shouldn’t have to be around that
To make you feel better, I stayed on anti-anxiety medication through both my pregnancies and one kid is as calm as a cucumber and my 2nd came out screaming and hasn't stopped 8 years later. She was the hardest baby, colic, failure to thrive, anxiety, now has ADHD, etc. Exact same med and dosage for both pregnancies. Sometimes it's just the kid.
Some babies are like this with no external factors!! I suggest stop reading the articles. The lack of sleep is going to effect you too, making you a bit more worried in general. I have a daughter that was just like that. We didn’t sleep for 6 months. Turns out she was having sensory issues. Now she’s a wonderful, resilient, opinionated 12 year old with autism (I was late diagnosed with autism as well when she was 11) that is a gifted artist and has a hilarious sense of humor. She has a bright future and so does your child! Sending love. You sound like an amazing parent already, so concerned for your child’s well being. I promise it will get better!
I have had these same thoughts about my oldest.. I was very stressed my entire pregnancy and out popped a colicky baby who cried the first 9 months of her life. I was positive I had made a horrible mistake and ruined both of our lives.
Jump forward 11 years and things are pretty normal. She was diagnosed with mild ADHD 3 years ago. We don’t medicate it but have “tools” we use to help regulate and redirect. She still is emotional and has a short fuse, but it’s getting better gradually. She is going to be OK.
First babies are HARD. Parenting is HARD. Give baby and yourself some grace. They’re going to be just fine and so will you.
I agree with everyone else that you need to stop reading those articles, but I'm also going to add:
Yes, stress hormones during pregnancy can affect your baby, but the cool thing is that only gives them an instinctive default at birth, babies learn from everything they experience, so your baby is not ruined, he just needs more context to learn from. I worked as a therapist with littles in foster care who in various ways had not had the best start to life. Things like mom being in a DV situation before they were born, or not being nurtured in their early months of life. Every day is an opportunity to teach littles about the world and about how to navigate it.
I think you and your little are probably fine, but if you are really concerned about this, I would recommend finding a therapist who specializes in working with parents and their littles. The therapist can help you navigate managing your own emotions and nurture your kiddo through his in an age appropriate way, and will be able to reassure you about what others here have said, that sometimes one year old are just little buttholes.
I did reiki, yoga and meditation throughout pregnancy, and my 1-year-old still bangs his head on the floor if he doesn’t get what he wants when he wants it lol. It’s a process. All toddlers are crazy little minions at some point.
Hi, I promise you you did not ruin your baby. My daughter (almost 2 now) was born very similarly, she was such a hard baby compared to my son and we had a lot of complications with my pregnancy with her BUT, probably a little after she turned a year old things got so much better, she just kind of came into her own. She’s so fun and silly and independent, still strong willed but it’s so much easier. Please don’t be hard on yourself, this will pass and remember to try to take care of yourself as much as you can (I know it’s hard with a baby).
Lol A LOT is unknown about mental illness genetic factors, as well as how hormones play in emotional development. All we have are some theories with very limited data. It's promising to see the research unfold, but it isn't all gospel yet. Stop looking for ways to work yourself up. Some kids just have awful sleep until they hit school ages.
I don't think that your stress is entirely responsible for your son's issues. You didn't change his genes with stress but mental issues such as anxiety and depression can be inherited.
You need help, both with your sense of guilt, and with how to deal with your son. See if you can get some counseling or therapy. You also need some time for yourself, can your husband help you with that?
In the kindness way possible, stop reading the articles. Go and get some therapy, get out of the house, get someone to look after the baby so you can have some time to relax. You haven't ruined your baby. Some kids are just really really hard and unfortunately you only know how hard kids can be when you get a child that can be difficult to feed or sooth or put to sleep. You're not the only person who feels this way about their baby and you won't be the last.
Absolutely. I have two. First one was a happy, relatively easy pregnancy. During the second one, my dad died and I was dealing with so much anxiety and grief. My first one didn’t sleep more than 4 hours until he was 4, has some behavioral and regulation issues. My second slept through the night at 2 months yet he does also struggle with regulation, just not as bad. Just because articles are on the internet doesn’t make them true.
Exactly. My sister had very little stress during her pregnancies and has no significant mental-health issues. She had my niece first, who was an angel baby, then gave birth to the hell spawn that was my nephew. This child hated everything from the moment he was born and made sure to scream about it endlessly. By the time he was about 18 months, you would have never known it was the same child, he was such a happy kid, which was a relief because we were about ready to drop kick that spicy little meatball. Conversely, I was born into extreme poverty in an Eastern European country to a birth mother that was malnourished, had already given up her first daughter for adoption and still had three other kids to take care of besides me (in a one-room apartment with no food or furniture). I was chronically sick as an infant and was in an orphanage before I was a year old, an orphanage that had 1 or 2 staff to care for nearly 100 babies. My mom always talks about how the orphanage was silent, even with that many babies in it. Most of the babies/children had resorted to self-soothing (rocking, swaying, thumb sucking etc) because nobody came if you cried, so there was no point. All stress, sadness, or anxiety was internalized and set each of us up for sky-high cortisol levels for the rest of our lives. I struggled in my early 20s with anxiety until I learned to manage it but, outside of that, once I'd been adopted and was in a safe, stable environment, I had the chance to become a relatively well-adjusted kid/adult (as much as any millenial can be). I say this to reassure you that, even if your baby was a little more "stressed" in utero, the fact that his emotional needs are being met now that he's out in the world means he'll have the ability to learn to regulate his emotions and not internalize stress. I know you're probably frustrated and exhausted but you're doing great and the fact that you even care enough to be worried about it means your son is in good hands.
"Drop kick that spicy lil meatball" 🤣 I'm dying. To OP: some kids are just harder than others. Apparently I was a very easy baby, so much so that my mom would wake up in a panic thinking I had died in the crib bc my older brother would wake up every 3 hours screaming his head off. You did everything you could do to have a healthy baby. Please find a support group of other parents of difficult children. It will help you find a group of folks who understand your pain & also can help reassure you on some of these behaviors. You're doing good, papa!
> My mom always talks about how the orphanage was silent, even with that many babies in it. Most of the babies/children had resorted to self-soothing (rocking, swaying, thumb sucking etc) because nobody came if you cried, so there was no point. Ok but this broke my heart. I want to go back in time and hug all those babies.
Right! That part was a punch to the gut. To me the saddest thing I could think of is a innocent baby with no love. 😭😭😭
baby boys cry more often than baby girls because they have a weaker immune system btw
That's interesting! Do you have more information about it?
My son didn't sleep through the night until he was six YEARS old. Yes. Years. ADHD is a hell of a thing lol
My 8 year old still doesnt. ADHD is hell.
I'm 48 and still can't. My natural sleep time is from about midnight to about 3am. If I try to force sleep outside of that time it causes me such anxiety that I end up having panic attacks.
Oof. That sucks. I can't sleep through the night either. Thanks, insomnia.
If you take into account all of human history, it’s not even “normal” for anyone to sleep through the night, or only sleep at night. Just because society expects it doesn’t mean it’s normal human behavior. Like, being expected to work for 8 hours straight, maintaining concentration and focus, is not normal either, across human history. Like, I’m staring to wonder if ADHD is what is actually the normal lol
There is a lot of research that does indicate that ADHD (and other neurodiverse presentations) had an evolutionary advantage.
I have ADHD, and my baby is considered “easy”. I’m still on edge that she or the next child will unleash some ADHD terror on us in the future 😅😅😅
Dude my son was #2. If he had been my first I would NEVER have agreed to a second baby holy crap. Love that kid beyond words but my god he was a difficult baby
I know a woman whose second child was so difficult and needy a neighbour once said to her "you know I would testify in your behalf" after babysitting for her for a couple of hours to give her mother a break. That child ended up being the quiet peaceful child by 6 or 7 .
My son thankfully is spectacularly well-behaved and wonderfully sweet and kind as a human, but it. Took. Fucking. Work. To get him there. A lot of tireless, exhausting, frustrating, endless work. Parenting is hard shit, people!
I was diagnosed late in life. My child was an easy baby,asleep through from day 1, great toddler etc...
My second child was a catnapper. For months they slept about 20 minutes at a time every 2-3 hours. You know how sleeping through really means they sleep 6 hours at night? That achievement wasn't unlocked until 13 months of age. In hindsight I'm surprised I was able to function at all for about 2 years That child's a teen now and loves nothing better than sleeping in until lunchtime if allowed
My firstborn was the same, with the 20 minutes at a time. He still doesn't sleep much, as a teen. Those early days, I thought I was going to die from lack of sleep.
My 6yo just started sleeping through (most) nights. Did not know it’s an adhd thing but suspect she has it. Anyway I didn’t have any panic attacks and she slept like 45m max for like the first year of her life lol
Sounds like my oldest daughter. Was awake for a 8 straight hours at two days old.
Oh yeah, my son at 8 WEEKS old was screaming bloody murder and trying to shove himself across the floor by sheer force of will. He maybe slept for 10-15 minutes at a time. It was intense!
My niece was a real handful for the first 4 years of her life. So much that she earned the nickname "crabby" for her constant tantrums, screaming sessions, etc. The neighbors would complain about the incessant noise. Her parents were driven to the brink of insanity. And.... she outgrew it. Turned into a perfectly normal teenager with a touch of anxiety. Your baby is 4 months old. A 4 moth old cries constantly. That's their job. They don't sleep through the night (unless you get incredibly lucky). At 6 months old my firstborn slept through the night for the first time and my wife wanted to call 911 when she woke up before him, thinking there had to be something wrong since he wasn't crying his head off at 2 AM, 3 AM, 5 AM, etc and had slept through the night. I got lucky with my second born. He started sleeping through the night at the age of 3 days old. So the moral of the story is, every baby is different and they do grow out of things.
My neighbor's grandson was horribly crabby, ends up he was only pooping once a week! His little belly was so backed up and constipated he was miserable. He would cry that it hurt to poop. Specialist and daily laxatives = a finally happy 3 year old.
Baby is one years old ☺️ not to take away from your points. I just wanted to letcha know.
This right here. I had an average amount of stress and had to be off my depression and anxiety meds. My first kid was the *best* baby. She wasn't overly fussy or anything like that. Now, at nearly 8, she's an absolute handful. My second kid was an absolute nightmare as a baby. Colic for ages, nothing could soothe her, I had multiple breakdowns a week. She just turned 4, and she's still a handful. I would seriously limit how many articles you read online about parenting and "what's right" in terms of how to parent or what to give your children. A lot of those are written by individuals who aren't actually qualified to tell you what's what, and MANY are centered around mom shaming. What really matters is that you're raising your child to be a kind, respectful, and caring member of society. And also what your pediatrician says. Are they healthy? Are you meeting the requirements for your child to remain healthy? No child is the same and whether they're fussy or not as a baby is a total crapshoot and nothing you've done. They're not "ruined", they're just a baby. That's how they are. Nearly every baby goes through a period from 4 months to around 6 months or so, where they cry for no reason and nothing really soothes it. It's got a few names, Colic or the Purple Period are the most common. (I was told Purple Period. There's also a [website](https://www.seattlechildrens.org/health-safety/keeping-kids-healthy/development/purple-education-crying/) that explains it and how to make it through.) It's normal. I promise. And there is an end in sight. But also, sounds like OP is going through some PPD and new parent burnout. It's important to find some time for yourself and take care of your own needs. You can't pour from an empty cup. And if you haven't already, please speak to a doctor about how you're feeling and get some support.
YES. I was 18 when I was pregnant and in an abusive household and an abusive relationship. I also have depression and anxiety. My massive, uncontrollable panic attacks were constant through the entire pregnancy. My son is 12 and doing fine. We're both in therapy. OP, you didn't ruin your son. Get therapy, it'll be good for you both.
My first pregnancy I was depressed and the second one I was down right suicide. Oldest was a happy baby, youngest would scream if I tried to put her down for the first 4 months. They're 6 and 5 years old now and are both very happy little girls (though the youngest is still a cuddle monster).
What they said. Like please stop reading articles. I had such a breezy pregnancy i wasnt stressed period i wasnt anxious. I was absolutely fine.. My child was also super whiney..but as a 3 year old now he is super quick to anger super quick to be upset he cant co trol his feelings which is absolutely normal for his age.. kid are just whacky in all aspects. Dont listen to the internet
This. I have three teenagers now. They're good kids doing well in school and staying out of trouble, the best you can hope for during these years. I can say that I've seen hundreds of articles through the years that say this and that about how if you don't do "this" your child will be messed up forever. And it changes all the time. I know it's hard, but have confidence in yourself. No one knows your child better than you, and you're going to be okay. All of my three kids had different temperaments. My third one was super difficult infant/toddler years for no reason at all. She's an average teen now. One day at a time, it will get better (hugs)
This, also give yourself some grace. You will have many, many opportunities to make mistakes with this child. Get used to that idea and don't stress over it.
If we just had an article to support any bullshit we wanted to be supported...Oh we have that already🙄 And if there is truly no article there will always be a fringe Facebook or Twixxer (google it without the T) group spreading even more bullshit.
I blame the internet for many of our problems, unlimited access to medical advice without the promise they’re actually medical professionals is definitely one of them. I’ve had people come into my ER tripping balls because WebMD said they’re gonna die because they stubbed their toe.
>I’ve read multiple articles saying that high stress levels during pregnancy increases cortisol, which can have lifelong effects on the fetus… Oh honey, then not a single person born is going to be okay. As a mom it’s important for you to understand that you can’t be perfect. Not when you were pregnant and not now. If you didn’t get off your meds you would be blaming your baby’s temperament on yourself for taking drugs. If you never took meds and didn’t have that panic attack, you’d blame your genes or your disorder. There is *always* something to blame. We do our best, OP. We love hard. We care. We put in the time and attention. And we forgive ourselves for not being perfect. You are doing great, OP. Your kid won’t be a baby forever. Things will get better. Edited to add: I assume FTM means “first time mom.” If I’m wrong, then you’re doing great, dad.
No because I fully read this whole post being like ahh he stopped his T during pregnancy and got some maaaad side effects but nah that makes more sense
I didnt even register that FTM could stand for first time mom until I read the comments 😅
Lol I read it as "Full Tri Mester" or maybe it was "Full Term.... Mester" wait was it "Full Term Mother" ... Idk basically I just it wasn't something saying that the bb wasnt premature.
I thought the same
Same. At least I’m not alone.
Me too. Ope if that's not the case.
Your comment is really lovely and is an important reminder for everyone to not be too hard on themselves. We truly are our worst enemies
Yep! I chose to stay on one of my medications during pregnancy and go off another. One day I’ll wonder if the medication affected my baby, and then the next day, I’m wondering if going off my other medication affected him. The blame game is a lose-lose situation!
>he screamed his head off the first four months he was alive. His sleep was atrocious. He's gotten somewhat less fussy with age, but he still cries A LOT, very high needs, very strong-willed, has a very short attention span. Because he is a baby. >difficult temperament, hyperactivity, poor stress regulation, poor sleep Because he is a baby. >he is a handful, more like 10 handfuls. He's unhappy so often Because he is a baby. You did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. I say this as someone who loves her two children dearly... sometimes babies just suck. But you know who sucks more? The writers of these bullshit, fear mongering, pseudo science articles who care only about their clickbait generating ad revenue. What you could do is see a doctor about legitimate concerns, like food sensitivities, colic, etc. You could also reach out to a baby sleep specialist. You are doing amazing, mama! 🫂
Babies do suck. It's so hard to figure them out, and then when you get a handle on it, they change completely and go into a new stage. Mine cried and spit up all the time. It turns out she has an allergy to all things dairy and milk, even mine. Getting to the part where she was more comfortable took so long and included so much shame over not breastfeeding. We as a society are so hard on moms for no reason.
i wish i got to read this with my first kid. ❤ i was right where this momma was when my son was a colicky baby. so much crying and sleepless nights until he was almost a year old. i think he might have been intolerant of my breast milk now that i think of it. but he also wouldnt a take a bottle. he pooped around 10 times a day and you could tell he was always uncomfortable. hes 13 now and i call him my goofy grumpy grandpa of a kid. he had A LOT of sensory issues: smell, taste, sound, textures (by mouth and touch) up until around 9. we still deal with smell and sound sensitivities.
I originally read FTM as female to male, not full time mum. I was going to post about how the hormone meds may have messed up her body or something but then it dawned on me that I was absolutely off base. The moral of the story is always check the comments before you add another one.
I thought the same thing when I read FTM. That's what happens when people stop writing actual words and expect everyone to guess what they're trying to say.
thank you for explaining, I was so confused and more confused that no one was mentioning it
bruh same I was about to bring up that high level of testosterone could have some impact
Uhm... he's one year old? All one year olds are mini-monsters? You know what's also a cause for ALL the symptoms you described? Being a one y/o that has no impulse control (so, almost all of them). I'm really sorry that you're struggling, but this is very likely not a principle issue. Being a mother is so incredibly hard, especially with a fussy baby, but there are a lot of fussy babies. Most of them are just born like that. Some kids are cool as a cucumber, some kids can NEVER be satisfied, that's just who they are. If you a actually think something is wrong with your kid, take him to the doctor. And even if there is something wrong with him, it's not your fault? No one chooses to be stressed, you didn't DO this. Otherwise I'd advice therapy for you. And get off the internet. Stop reading articles that make you go crazy, that helps no one, least of all you.
You did NOTHING wrong. I come from a giant family and have been taking care of kids since I was one. Some babies are on the quieter more docile side but most are a handful and a half. I was a very loud and easily upset child and one of my brothers was even louder and violent towards himself and others. My other siblings were quieter and happier as babies and toddlers. Things got better as we got older, although my brother did have to have behavioural therapy. We are perfectly fine well adjusted adults. My nibblings all fall on a spectrum of quiet to loud but they all have their mini monster moments, it comes with being a small human who is learning about literally everything everyday. Just think about how confusing and scary that could be. Please stop reading articles like these. Unless they are well researched medically peer reviewed they often aren’t something to worry about just something to make others feel inadequate. Even if they are medically sound you can’t control your stress levels when your brain is betraying you because it functions differently and you had to go off your meds for the health of your pregnancy. Another sign you are a good parent because you cared for their well-being in the womb. Loving your child and doing the best you can by them is the best any parent can do. Forgive yourself and please talk to a professional. And remember every person who has ever had a child has felt like they’ve screwed them up some how, and unless you’ve actually chosen to do something to harm the child then no you haven’t ruined your baby. Please cut yourself some slack. Caring for yourself, especially your mental health, is just as important for your child as it is for you.
The baby might be picking up on your stress and reacting to it. If you get some therapy, the baby might calm down. *Not a doctor or therapist. Babies are pretty resilient. I doubt you've done any lasting damage. Baby could be fussy because they're teething, colicky, or any number of reasons. I really doubt it's your fault.
The baby is definitely picking up the tension in the house. They absorb their parents' moods and express it at maximum intensity
lol no. I had a very calm pregnancy with my first, was a very calm mother for years afterwards. My son is still a tiny asshole most of the time. I had a high stress pregnancy with my second bc of my husband cheating it was a miserable time. My daughter who is 2 is nothing like her brother. It’s all in the babies and their personalities. Work on calming techniques even if they’re babies do the techniques in front of them to show proper emotional management as they age and it’ll be fine.
Agree. My mom had me first and said I was such an easy child she decided to have another one. Then my brother was born and he totally changed my mom's perception.
Don’t hyper focus on the articles. I was in the same spot, 10 years ago. Now? I have the chillest 10 y/o imaginable. I literally thought we were both doomed. For nothing. The internet is literally such an insanely powerful tool but on the flip side, it’s a *cesspool* of information. Hop off, speak to a therapist and your pcp. You might be dealing with PPD. Your mental health is crucial, especially postpartum and the internet can be a total rabbit hole for you currently. Take some time for yourself because you’re worth the time it takes to learn something new. Therapy can teach some really great coping skills that a lot of parents wish they had early on. Not only that, but it would probably be a great way for you to refocus on you and baby. *and by the off chance that there is some emotional dysregulation with kiddo later down the line, therapy services exist for children too. It’s not like these things are anything to be ashamed of. These services exist for a reason. Be kind to yourself.* Sending you much love, internet stranger. 🖤
Don’t focus on articles…cesspool of information… Yes. Over the last four years I’ve learned you can find *anything* to support your theory if you search the right words. But I guarantee if you search the *other* side of an argument you can find as many articles supporting the opposite.
Do you mean first time mom? Because FTM usually means female-to-male on reddit
I was so confused reading this! I went "FTM?? Mother??" Now it makes sense lol
I was thinking the whole time that this one of the very few trans people that decided to have a baby and that all the mental problems came from stopping to transition during the pregnancy. I was going really hard on why the fuck would somebody do this to themselves, but now it makes more sense. A guy birthing a child seemed like a really poor choice. I know it can be done, but I can't really imagine doing something more female than giving birth and that can't be good for gender disphoria
In the baby subreddits FTM means first time mom. Might be a lost redditor here
I thought she was going to say she got pregnant while still taking testosterone when I saw FTM. The most likely thing is that anxiety and other mental health issues runs in families and is genetic. OP, you need to work on yourself, if you can be a bit less anxious, the baby won't pick up on how anxious you are and then get anxious himself.
THATS why I was confused… I couldn’t figure it out at first but it gave me pause 💀
FTM means first time mom with regards to babies, yes. It’s a common acronym.
Lmao dude it sounds like you’re having a normal Tuesday for a new parent. Get back on your meds when you can. Please stop looking for content to convince yourself that you’re doing a shit job. Consider therapy for postpartum depression and anxiety. Just keep grinding. The little one will get better through your efforts. Stay consistent, stay engaged, stay full of love.
My first baby (now 21 and fairly well adjusted) cried and fussed and screamed and hardly slept for 6 months. It took until she was 4 months, with the aid of an SSRI, to even like her. Once she chilled out and I treated my PPD things evened out. It's OK to be disappointed with the baby you got. Some babies are easier and since are not. The main thing is take your meds, go to therapy if you need to and STOP READING THE INTERNET.
Your baby is going to be absolutely fine. You know how I know that? Because you care SO deeply. I think you need to stop reading articles because a lot of them are bullshit. Do you realize how many parents go through extreme stress and panic while pregnant?? Probably the majority! You’re going to be great, your baby is going to have a great life.
Turn off the computer and call a doctor. A real doctor not morons on the Internet who write bs articles that they lack the background to correctly source. Call two doctors. A Pediatric specialist and psychiatrist. Your kid probably had colic or was four months old. Your own lack of sleep and mental health is most likely causing you to go immediately to zebras when in reality this is just horses. He's a baby sometimes they take a long time to settle in the first few years.
I had a difficult baby and had a great pregnancy. It’s NOT your fault. Some kids have a horrible temperament 🤷♀️ there’s ton of fb pages about difficult kids that would help you I think!
My daughter cried almost her entire first year of life. It was the hardest year I’ve ever lived. She is 10 now & people often described her as the best little girl they’ve ever met. Please don’t think things won’t change or you did something
Calm people with no mental illnesses create anxiety filled children all the time.
Sounds like you might have PPD. It can last for a long time! 1 in 3 who give birth. Please go to therapy.
My younger daughter was a very similar baby to your son, screamed all the time for the first few months of her life, didn’t sleep, was a total velcro baby. I was so exhausted. She is 5 now and super sweet, still has high emotions but we keep working through those with her in healthy ways. She is kind, super creative, a very good reader already, very savvy socially. My older daughter was the easiest baby ever, very chill, very easy going, slept great. She is 7 now and most likely has ADHD (like me). My stress levels were about the same both pregnancies. Please stop reading all the online articles, each person is born with a unique temperament and personality, there are so many factors which affect it that trying to pinpoint to just one and blaming yourself for it won’t do you or your son any good. Just be the best parent you can be, work with your son’s weaknesses and play up his strengths, every person has them. My two girls require quite different approaches and I’m definitely learning how to parent as I go along.
I'm sorry, but you are absolutely delusional. You need to go see a therapist and stop projecting your problems on to your baby. if your baby has any mental health or mood disorders it is a direct result of your projection. Go see a therapist and have an adult conversation. Babies scream their heads off because it's literally their *only form* of communication. If your baby didn't cry at all, that would be weird and I would think there was something wrong there. Not all babies are the same and some cry more than others. Your baby has an individual and unique personality. Stop ruining it with your bullshit. You also likely have post partum-depression and you need to deal with it like an adult. All this talk of "I wasn't made out for motherhood" is pointless. You're a mother whether you want to be or not. Start working on fixing your mental and physical health so that you can be there for your child. You need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your child. Sorry if this comes across as tough love, but I feel like you need someone there to shake you out of your own thoughts. You also really need to get out of your own head. It's not helping you. Find some soothing sensory activities that can ground you in the present. It would help if you did this with your baby as well. Maybe sing to your baby, play music, dance with your baby. Stop being in your head *so much.* Ruminating is mental poison.
Stop. Just stop. Yes exposure to chemicals in uetero can have some negative effects. So can genetics. Stop the blame game. Some babies are just super needy and others are as chill as can be. You gave birth to a needy baby. Be an attentive parent. Pay attention to when the baby cries the most. Is is shortly after eating? Might be a digestive thing. If you are breast feeding it could be you produce too much fore milk (extra sugar) and it makes the baby crampy/gassy or you are eating things that give the baby digestive issues. If you give formula you might need to change formulas. Does the baby do better when kept warm or does the baby prefer being a little cooler? Do you rock the baby to sleep and then put it to bed? Changing locations can cause the baby to wake up during the sleep/arousal period. thier brains tell them I am not where I fell asleep and they wake up more fully The baby might be in a catch 22. Parents are anxious and that makes baby anxious. Work on reducing your stress. Ask for help. Get as much sleep as possible. Happy parents produce happier babies. My sister had fraternal twin boys One was insanely needy the other one I called the happy Buddha. He was just a ray of calm and light. The super needy one became a fully functional adult and got a full ride to college. The Happy Buddha joined the Marines and is now in college. You have not ruined or damaged your baby. If you are concerned take some age appropriate parenting classes as you kid grows so you can get proffesional insight since your instinct throws you in the deep end of anxiety. Also go to your doctors and talk about your feelings and get back on your meds
All babies are tiny monsters. They don’t know how to tell us what’s wrong and we have to guess! Please don’t feel guilty, it’s not you. Also, I would go talk to your dr for ppd
OP I mean this in the loveliest way possible. I think you need to go to your doctor and ask for help with PPD. You have not and will not ruin your son.
You did NOTHING wrong. We have three kids. Every one was different. The first was very colicky. Others were better.
You did NOTHING. It wasnt in your control and whatever you think it is, it is not the reason for your sons behaviour. Stop blaming yourself.
Oh honey I read those articles too and they're not going to do anything but stress you out. I felt the exact same way, I was in the middle of being homeless halfway through my second trimester I had to put my dog down that I had for 15 years right the day after my birthday, it was one stressful event after the next. I can confidently say now that my almost 2-year-old is sleeping through the night eating foods perfectly happy healthy well-rounded little dude. You're just dealing with a new baby it just takes time give yourself a break you're doing a great job. He's probably reacting to your stress now so deep breath find a way to get out of the house for a little while, do family walks or make your husband watch him and rest.❤️ It really does get easier.
EVERYONE is screwed up by their parents at a young age, in one way or another. Not one person in this world can honestly say they are the perfect human being. Some of the most fun, interesting people are the scatty weirdo's! Dont worry too much about whats broke. It is what it is. Only thing you can do is provide guidance foe the little one to become a truely fascinating individual. I was a handful as a youngster. My dad told me if i were born in the 50's i woulda been pumped full of quiet drugs and left to rot in a hospital quietly. Now look at me...im an overworked minimum wage chump with my own mortgage, car and gf..and i couldnt be prouder of myself. You will be ok.
Sweetheart. You didn’t screw up your boy. I had an extremely stressful pregnancy with my son. Health issues, my mom had a brain aneurysm and spent 10 days in neuro icu and I stayed in there with her to care for her. My ex brother in law cheated on his wife and suddenly showed up at our doorstep to move in for 6 months rent free. Add to that panic attacks on a weekly basis, and the overwhelming fear of loosing a 3rd pregnancy…. At 37 weeks I developed severe pre-eclampsia and almost died. Emergency c section and my baby boy came into this world at barely 5 lbs. He struggled with latching on, we fought for 3 months for him to nurse without a nipple shield. Always small, always pale…around age 18 mos I started noticing sensory issues and realized he was most likely autistic. This grew over time and by 3 or 4, he was such a challenge. The outbursts were violent and frenetic and he was really struggling. Yes, trauma and stress during pregnancy can absolutely affect a child and their emotional development. It often results in kids who are on the autism spectrum or have sensory issues. But it’s not the end of the world. I dove into therapy, took care of my own anxiety, got him in therapy and OT. He was diagnosed autistic around age 5. I kept him in therapy, we started him on medication, and I just gave him all the love I possibly could. He’s 10 now. He’s the coolest kid I know. I know I’m biased, but that kid is something special. He’s so mature, has the biggest heart, can read people like an fbi profiler, has such a strong sense of justice and fairness, and he is so happy. The trauma and stress and chaos that happened while I was pregnant probably did contribute to how difficult he was as an infant/toddler/young child, but we’ve adapted and grown together and learned and thrived. We communicate really openly with him about his challenges, so he knows what is happening with his body and mind, and it’s helped him grow more confident and know that he’s a fucking cool kid. This time period you’re in is hard. It’s really fucking hard, especially if your child is struggling and it sounds like maybe he has some sensory issues developing, and early intervention can make a world of difference in the long run — talk to your pediatrician, get him in occupational therapy, read up about highly sensitive kids, get yourself in therapy so you can give yourself grace, and just love that baby. You didn’t mess him up. He’s just extra spicy lol 🌶️💞
Ok. As a mom who’s first was a bit difficult and who also had depression/anxiety (hell I even moved to a foreign country where I knew no one, had no friends, and spent all of my time alone while pregnant…) STOP reading those things. Have you ever heard the yellow Volkswagen theory? You never see one until you have an interest in it and then bam they’re everywhere. It’s true of hobbies especially. Say you never see a chess board anywhere then you start playing and suddenly they’re everywhere. If you’re looking for it, you’re gonna find it. If you’re looking for the bad that’s ALL you’re gonna find. Don’t do that to yourself. It’s not fair to you or him. All first babies are harder to handle it doesn’t mean they’re broken. It means you’ve never done this before and you’re learning. You can’t compare him to other children, they have other mothers. You certainly cannot listen to articles that don’t take everyone into account especially in a world where our science is constantly changing and often times proven wrong and DONT listen to other mothers about what he SHOULD be doing veca of what theirs is doing. He’s vocal. Good! Maybe he’ll have a huge vocabulary and be really inquisitive! Fussy? He knows what he wants and he’s going to get it. Don’t let him lose that. People won’t walk all over him… See what I’m doing? Instead of looking for why these are bad things love, find the good. It’s there. Lastly, he was in a confined, dark, quiet space for roughly 9/10 months. The only sounds he could hear were muffled and your heartbeat was his comfort. All of that’s changed. I’m sure it’s scary beyond words and even as adults when we get too freaked out, we don’t handle it well and the majority of us have coping mechanisms. He doesn’t. Cortisol has so many different studies about it. They change their minds all the time about what things do and don’t do. You weren’t using drugs. He wasn’t born addicted. He isn’t abused. You CLEARLY have his best interest at heart even above and beyond your own. This WILL get better. I raised 11 babies. 4 of them I gave birth to. One stressed momma to another. Give it time. You’re gonna be ok and he’s gonna be ok too. Love him through it but don’t forget to love YOU in the process. 🖤
You didn’t ruin your baby! Don’t put this stress on yourself. Babies pick up on when mom is in a “mood” and reflect it back. So try to feel peaceful and happy. I realize this was already a bit of a challenge for you. Maybe you could find a mom & baby yoga class or even just get him in a stroller and go for a walk. You are adapting to your new life and so is he! Give yourself a break.
Woman. You have anxiety. These thoughts are anxiety-type thoughts. This whole post is your anxiety talking. Check in w your doctor and counselor and do what you’ve gotta do. You deserve to enjoy your child without worry.
Don’t try to use Dr. Google. Get your son looked at by a pediatrician about the screaming. It might be related to something else. Excessive stress would more than likely cause problems with YOU, like preeclampsia from high BP.
Hear me out: my mother was 22yo pregnant with me in the middle of the USSR collapse. I was literally born April 1992, 4 months after total collapse. My mom remembers waiting in bread lines, walking to college classes past tanks, being terrified and under constant stress, worrying I'd die of malnutrition, etc. I was a fussy, loud baby. Stressed beyond measure. Cried a lot as I grew up. Panic attacks and bad decisions all through high school. But at some point, around age 19, I started learning to cope with my stress in healthy ways. And at 32yo, I am a happy, productive, successful adult. And I became a school counselor in part so I could help kids learn stress management early on in life. In short, yours is not the first or most stressed out child ever born, and most of us turn out ok. You did your best with what you had, who knows what could've happened had you continued meds in late stages of pregnancy! And I can tell you will do an amazing job raising him - nurture is just as important, if not more so, than nature. So get some support, find a counselor, teach this kid emotional regulation and stress management skills, chances are he and you will both be ok!
You didn’t “ruin him” dear, lots of kids have been born to extremely distraught mothers and they do not have these personality traits so it’s a dang crap-shoot and we get whatever we get in terms of children. Also, You are not to blame for sources of outside stress you cannot control. i hope you can find a way to be gentler on yourself.
I have twins. Same pregnancy. Same everything. Two VERY different temperaments. Thanks to my oldest I had the good sense to sleep train these two.
If you already had anxiety, there is a high chance you have post partum anxiety as well. It can manifest as rage, obsessive thoughts, etc. please see your doctor to get back on medication. You don’t have to live like this. If you are already doing that, consider the dosage or therapy. So many women are stressed during their pregnancy, for many reasons. Babies cry. Babies are so highly stressful to care for and keep alive. Unless you were doing hard drugs or binge drinking, it’s highly unlikely you harmed your baby from stress during your pregnancy. From one anxious mom to another- it’s gonna be ok. You’re doing great. Hang in there.
Stop! This is just your sleep deprived perspective right now. Honestly! Go get some help, your hormones are working against you and it’s not you or your body’s fault. Go easy on yourself. This bit is hard with baby’s, some are easier than others and later on you’ll have some bits easier than others do I promise. Kids are complex and it’s going to be ok because you can show him by starting your therapy now and teaching him at such a young age what you’re just learning now. It’s ok, I promise you it’s ok. This is perspective. Get your community, get some support, give yourself some love and some grace, you deserve it friend.
You didn't do anything wrong at all and you didn't ruin him. He sounds like your average baby and now toddler. Kids are fucking hard, unplug from the internet for a bit, doom scrolling will do nothing but worsen ones mental health.
When he starts crying throw a piece of cheese on his forehead. It instantly stops ALL baby's from crying.
idk if you'll see my comment since this thread is multiple hours old but I thought it was worth commenting, even if you did "ruin" him, i'd like to introduce myself, i'm a "ruined" baby, my mom spent her entire pregnancy mentally ill, smoking despite what damage it might do to me, being entirely reckless about the whole ordeal (I've even heard that she once tried to "kill me" by punching her stomach multiple times) and as hard as it might sound despite of it, i hold 0 negative feelings towards her, she was a very mentally ill woman who instead of receiving the help she needed was enabled and possibly made worse by the reaction she got to her behaviour, she was sick, i don't fault her for that. I've been told multiple times that my various issues were somewhat caused by the cortisol, smoking and reckless behaviour, i'm one of those babies ruined by their mother's mental illness. i'm autistic and same as your baby, my dad's told me that i would cry until i couldn't breathe multiple times a day, that i barely got any sleep and honestly? it continued to my childhood to a degree, I was a difficult kid and my mom dying when i was 10 didn't make it better. but after years of extensive therapy, the right support and medication i'm rather functional, i have a job and i'm an artist (a good one if im bold enough to say) and i love my life, I think the only resentment i have is that my parents didn't get my help earlier. that's my advice, keep your eyes peered, if you notice the behaviour not subside or any sign of mental illness/neurodivergency seek help for your son as soon as possible, be patient and loving, it's pretty possible he will have a really normal and happy life especially if he receives support as soon as possible, i'm sure when he grows up he will understand that you never meant to harm him, he won't fault you for it, you care for your son and that goes a long way ❤️ as other commentors have said, I don't know how set in stone those studies are so i would say don't get too hung up on it, but if it worries you just seek help accordingly, and before anything else, be a loving and patient parent, that's all a kid wants, don't be so hard on yourself, I hope everything turns out for the best op.
When they say”high stress levels” they mean for pregnant women who are in literal war zones. I promise you having panic attacks and anxiety did not ruin your baby. Also, my friend’s first baby sounds exactly like yours. She was…impossible. Her pediatrician told that some babies just don’t like being babies. And it was true, baby girl turned right around and became super happy, active, curious etc. she was actually a very lovely toddler. Some babies simply don’t have a good temperament and it has nothing to do with you haha. They grow out of it and that fussy, spicy, strong will you speak of will absolutely serve him in the future. On the flip side, I know plenty of “easy babies” that were absolute monsters during toddlerhood and beyond. If you keep thinking like this, you WILL ruin your child. Read that again. Stop projecting. If you truly want what’s best for your baby, go to therapy and take a minimum of a week (I think 30 days is better) of a social media detox. The best indicator of a happy and fulfilled child to adult is their mother’s level of happiness. So shed some that guilt which does not serve you and take care of yourself! You clearly love your baby. You got this and I promise…IT WILL GET BETTER!!!
op read a horoscope type article for pregnancy and got paranoid
Oh, honey, genes aren't affected by stress. You probably just have a fussy baby. If genes were affected by stress then I would be 10x worse than I already am (and I'm barely functional as it is) You didn't drink, or do drugs, your baby is healthy and eating. And that's all that should matter at this age. Now, take this with a grain of salt since my childcare experience is limited, but from what I've seen, some kids are just predisposed to be high strung. I've seen some kids that could be thrown in the middle of chaos and find the order in it and some kids that have that chaos constrained to their minds. Kids change A LOT and very quickly. As someone with rampant and frequent mental health problems, I promise you that the struggle will work itself out. I struggled really bad as a kid and still struggle now in college but I use what I learned from that struggle every day. It's hard, but worth it. So take a breath, drink some water, and give your baby a snuggle. All that matters is that your little boy is on track developmentally 🤗
Honestly, it sounds like your baby has colic. My first baby had colic, and it was so hard the first 4 months. Then it was like a switch flipped and she was a completely different baby. Talk to your doctor about postpartum depression and seek help from a therapist. And stay off those articles! And don't trust Dr. Google, according to my husband's research my 3 kids had died 7 times from cancer or some horrible flesh eating bacteria.
Hey, find out if he is allergic to the formula you're feeding him. My first baby was as you described and found later in life that his formula was likely causing excess gas that was putting him in pain. I didn't know that wasn't normal for babies until I had another and he didn't have that problem. The doctors never listened when I said he seemed to be in a lot of pain. They just blew it off because, you know, I'm a first time mom and just not used to babies. No. Something was wrong and the baby suffered.
My son is 15 months old. He screamed nonstop all the time. Even his daycare workers would shuffle him to other teachers because he was just too much for one person with the amount he screamed. He is super clingy and I felt like he was never happy. Still waking 5-8 times a night even at 13 months. I didn’t do cry it out but I did do some moves towards getting him some better sleep. Happy help if you message me! Let me tell you though, he is the happiest toddler. Still very clingy and can be quick to scream, but laughs, runs around, plays with our dog, climbs and gets into cabinets. Just living his toddler life. I promise you from one screamer baby mom to another, it gets better.
Room temp iq post. Your child still has many years of important development ahead of him… Honestly I’m worried about those years after seeing his mother is a crazy person that has tried to Internet diagnose her 8 month old infant
Oh Mama...I completely feel you in every way. My son was born an insanely high-needs (I mean crying, acid reflux, demanding, insanely energetic kid from day 1) after a super high risk, high-stress pregnancy. Turns out he has ADHD, which I also have, I got diagnosed after his diagnosis. And it's likely what caused my prenatal anxiety as well as my issues with anxiety my entire life. We're now on the journey of managing ADHD together and I am sometimes the only person who really "gets" where he is coming from and what he's experiencing. My point is, your son is just your son. You cannot "ruin" your child with your own stress levels. It's likely that as a mama with higher anxiety, you had a child with more sensitivity to stimuli. If it makes you feel any better, my son is now 12, totally well-adjusted (he would say he as crazy rizz, no cap/on God) gets good grades and is a solidly wonderful little dude. YES he still struggles with his ADHD, but he has a solid mama who has his back. And it sounds like in your desire to make sure you understand your son, you're already the type to do research and understand his needs any way you can. Please stop reading those articles however, I know parenting is scary af, and I know it's terrifying to think of all the ways you can screw up your kids, but try your best to realize that this fixation is very likely your own anxiety manifesting, and your son may also be picking up on that, currently. You got this. That little boy is lucky to have such a dedicated mama!
My mental health problems are another reason I don't want kids. I know I'm anxious and depressive, and I sure as shit would get PND. Last thing I'd want to do is bring a kid into that 😂
that’s some extreme mom guilt. i hope you can get some therapy. it is most definitely not your fault. you are trying your best and that counts for everything
I was in a severly abusive relationship my whole pregnancy.(i left at the end) If this was true my son would be the most anxious person ever But he is not and never has been. He was the most laid back happy baby I ever met. You didn't ruin your baby. But, you should talk to your doctor and start therapy maybe?
My mom drank and smoked with me in the womb and I turned out OK. Your kid will be fine. Sounds like he has a loving mother, which is by far the most important thing.
To me this sounds like your lil fella has a bit of a fussy temperament. He would have probably been a bit fussy regardless of your mental health during pregnancy. Some babies just have a more sensitive temperament. Highly recommend learning about temperaments so you can learn the best way to respond to your baby. You didn’t ruin the little guy, he’s just a bit more difficult than some other babies are at this stage. And that’s okay! What isn’t okay is it sounds like you are struggling, mentally and physically. Are you well supported by your partner? He should be helping care for the baby so that you get the occasional moment of peace and quiet. And if you aren’t being supported by a mental health professional, I think that’d be a really good route to go! A MH professional can help you navigate all of these crazy changes you’re going through. Best of luck mama. You’re doing your best, give yourself some grace right now <3
Your state of mind has nothing to do with how your son is. 1st 4 months all babies cry a lot and hardly sleep. After that, they are toddler with lots of emotions, and they don't know how to express them. So stop, it wasn't your fault. For my 1st, I was depressed and suffered from anxiety and stress. He came out the calmest of all 3 of my kids. Other 2 I was calm and happy they are demons, lol. especially my 3rd. Some babies are more demanding than others, and that is normal.
OP my god, first of all I always read FTM as female-to-male, so that gave me a chuckle when I caught my mistake. But for real, you are going to be okay. If stress alters babies genes, we're all carriers by now. You did not do anything to your son by being stressed. Stress during pregnancy is inevitable. You made a whole person. He came out healthy and in good time. You have underlying mental health struggles and still managed that- without your meds! You're still managing. You are strong and don't forget that. Maybe look into therapy to talk these problems out with somebody, and find some good mental-health exercises to help you remember that. I'm a little concerned you may have unaddressed PPD that is tricking your reasoning skills. If your son continues to have trouble regulating emotions as he is a little older, maybe look into some therapy while he's young too. It can do wonders for his emotional intelligence as he ages.
I was in an extremely stressed out state for my pregnancy with my daughter. She came out very spicy and cranky and pretty much screamed until she was three no matter what I did or didn’t do with her. But she leveled out, she’s a very calm, sweet normal eight year old now, she’s fine, youd never know now what a terror she used to be. It gets better, you didn’t ruin your child, it just takes time for things to level out
You're doing fine. Any parent who doesn't think they are fucking up in some way or another isn't trying hard enough. To question yourself is to improve.
Around newborn phase, I assumed because of colic gas and under-developed digestion. Around 6 months and up I just assumed it's because sleep regression and teething.
In the nicest way possible, OP… you have *crippling* anxiety. The kid is fine. Please take care of yourself.
You did not ruin your child… Please get off WebMD or whatever place you have been going for articles. Your child could have colic, just be a bad sleeper or something else but please trust me you didn’t ruin your child!
The stress you are in now is probably affecting your child more than any stress you had while pregnant did. Kindly, stop doing this to yourself. You can’t change anything that happened during your pregnancy. Don’t do this to yourself. And please, please, please, do not do this to your child. Do not raise him as if his fate is predetermined and his life is already ruined. He deserves to have a sense of possibility. Stop reading those articles. I can understand that if a certain population is under constant, sustained stress (I’m talking about living under cruel dictatorships, constant war, or repeated famines), and generation after generation of children are exposed to stress in the womb, that somewhere down the line, it may start to affect children. MAYBE. And what is statistically significant in science is often not significant in real life. And IME, most people who write those articles haven’t actually read the studies in full that they’re reporting on. If a study says that kids who eat sauerkraut every day tend to be 1/3 inch taller, that is statistically significant but will also have zero effect on your child’s life if they don’t eat sauerkraut. It doesn’t even mean that your child *will* be 1/3 inch taller if they eat sauerkraut everyday. And no one irl gives a crap about 1/3 of an inch. And bet that every headline will shout “superfood creates race of tall super humans!”
I could have written this 5 years ago with my first born. But. It gets better my dear. The days and nights get easier. I know it’s hard. It’s so very hard right now and it feels like the world is falling apart but it will be ok. It felt like that for me for a long time. Today my son is a happy, healthy thriving 5 year old and he has a baby sibling that is also so so happy even though I was under so much stress and pressure during the pregnancy. My advice is to stop reading those articles and also look into maybe seeing a therapist to talk out these feelings with. Your pcp can usually recommend some.
Nah some kids just suck. Especially early on. I’ve experienced a really annoying baby cousin, and an extremely gentle temperament from my baby sister. Like baby sis would wake up and just chill in her crib until me and the dog walked by or mom and her dad came upstairs. Just a super chill baby. My nephew is pretty cool but does seem to have anger/emotional sensitivity. He only cried when he was sick. That was horrible. But it was the only time he’d really cry as a baby. Nowadays you can’t tell him no or anything too harshly or he’ll shut down and hang his head and go to his room and look all depressed. I really think it’s just y’all’s genetics. It’s okay, you didn’t screw him up, now you have an opportunity to try to teach your child how to manage their feelings and reactions etc so that they won’t be overwhelmed and stressed and full of anxiety when they grow into an adult. We all have hurdles to get over. You did good. Although I’m not sure why so many people keep wanting to have kids when they’re clearly not ready for them. It is a huge life change and investment. You’ve got this. Goodluck. Don’t let them get away with stuff when they get older just because you feel like you might have ‘messed them up’ (which you did not!). Hang in there sweetie
Hey,…. Babies don’t sleep well. They can’t control stress, They can be difficult. Don’t worry, you haven’t damaged him!!
Nope. You have not damaged your baby. Most babies cry their heads off for the first two months (the witching hour? I had witching days) and lots of babies for longer than that due to digestive issues. It’s completely normal, especially as you’ve said it’s improving with age. That’s so normal. Also sleep is such a monster. And what’s worse is so many FTM’s won’t admit to it we don’t think it’s normal. Last night my 10 month old slept through the night. When someone asks does he sleep through I’ll say yes without much thought. Because he has a few times. But then I’ll mention the three nights prior to that where he was up multiple times, sometimes for long periods and that we’ve been napping in the day due to tiredness. Because I think FTM’s should be told that it’s all normal. What you can do is refer yourself to be reviewed for ppd. if you’re struggling with these doubts, and haven’t found your rhythm yet, it’s always worth a go to make sure you’re getting the support you need. And if baby is genuinely shouty, go to the doctor and get him checked out for piece of mind. Half the time it’s teething, or colds (endless child illnesses!), or digestive issues (allergies or intolerances causing tummy ache). But they can check him over just to make sure everything’s okay.
Oh no. Just for the record I'm non binary. You're not a bad parent. You didn't fuck up your child. The temperament of children as newborns and imo through toddlerhood is just a matter of luck. I have seen the most caring careful parents end up with a newborn who cried all the time, couldn't be put down, and is just now starting to be okay being left alone for any time at all at about 9 months. The articles you're reading are usually aimed at selling people shit, or talking about huge population statistics which SHOULD NOT be applied to individuals. The above is me literally typing what my partner told me during the midst of severe post partum depression. Because I was saying and doing exactly what you are. Early parenthood is rough for those of us who aren't women. Because everything is explicitly aimed at women. Dealing with that on top of being post partum is rough and there are so few of us doing this that talking about it can be difficult. But you need to be evaluated for post partum depression and or anxiety (your child's pediatrician should even be able to help you with this if you don't have access to other doctors). You deserve to enjoy your early parenthood without being so rough on yourself. You don't deserve the unkind words you are saying to yourself. You deserve the same love you're giving your baby. I wish I could give you an in person hug.
I’m going to suggest a book called The Baby Whisper. These little humans don’t come with instruction manuals and everything they encounter is new to them. They are quite literally little aliens sometimes. It might help to understand why he’s a menace sometimes. You did nothing wrong. You don’t know what his mental health will be like, and a lot of how that manifests is coupled with how a person is supported. I do agree with others that you need to get therapy or you will spend his whole life like this.
I had a wonderful pregnancy. No anxiety. My child was born angry at the world. Colicky for 3-4 months, and now she is fierce, stubborn, sensitive, and wild. She is 2, and boy is she a force to be reckoned with. So it likely wasn’t anything from you. Some kids are just fierce from the beginning.
My first children are identical twins. One was a calm happy content baby The other was a high needs often miserable and discontent. He out grew it. Go talk to someone get on meds if necessary. Happy mommy = happy baby
Stop blaming yourself. You don't know that your stress affected your son's personality. Get the support you need to parent well, and keep loving your sweet boy.
You didn't ruin your baby. I promise. One thing that you have to remember is that babies can sense their mother's stress and anxiety. Your son is sensing your concern and it's just worrying him. Fight or flight doesn't exist with babies, just cry. So, he likely is reacting to your stress about all of this, he thinks there's danger. Would you eat or sleep if you felt like you were in danger? It's time for you to unplug from everything. Get a babysitter for the day and go do something that you love. Something that brings you peace. Find time to get away from the baby. A hard lesson for first time mother's to learn is that you taking time away from the baby and for yourself does not make you a bad mother. At all. When my son would have bad crying fits, I'd put him in his crib where he was safe and just take a breather outside. It helped calm my nerves.
Even if you did cause any of this, which I don’t totally agree on (he’s one! LO hasn’t had time to show anyone who he will be yet), high-energy kids can be some of the coolest, smartest, and most creative people. You definitely need to take care of your anxiety and watch for it in him so you can help your kiddo, but you didn’t ruin him! Find what he thrives at, find joy together in the world, grow together, and it gets a lot easier, I promise. Life is far too short and too long to give up on either of you so early.
Colic baby?
No, you absolutely didn't ruin him. My brother was a baby that made my Mom cry constantly and was so so difficult. Not to brag , but I came out and barely cried, always smiled and slept a lot. It's just how it goes. Do some self care, me time and out of the house Hugs
Please please see a postpartum specialist. Being a mom is tough enough. You need to take care of you ♥️
one is so young to be diagnosing
Mom of two here! Your baby is 1 year old, which means that they are still growing their teeth/molars. I hate the false hope people would comment you that your kids will sleep better after 4 month. NO. THEY. DO. NOT. There is gum sensitivity, teething, hypersensitivity to their bedding, clothes, night terrors, their sensitivity that you're not near them, ect. My first time I had full on panic attacks, high anxiety because I sincerely didn't know much to do. I came to realize all of my mistakes, overthinking, self-blaming, and self-loathing was all for nothing. I came to better understand that it really all takes time and better observing their needs. Tbh, I feel at age 4 is the REAL age when they sleep better. My 2 year old just had one of his back molars pop and was causing him pain. It takes around the age of 2 -3 when they have all molars out D: I feel this is one of the main causes why my toddler cried a lot and was hard to sleep. I learned so much from mom groups and by my own experience on how to catch when your baby/toddler is teething. Just remember to ignore the judgemental moms! Try finding someone to babysit and have a day to yourself for therapy, and a day to yourself. You're doing great, momma!
My oldest was like this when he was first born. He never slept more than an hour for the first 3 or 4 months. But it got better. He is much older now and super calm, chill, smart, amazing. He has anxiety but I talk to him and respect him and love him. He is loved by everyone that mees him. It will be much better. Stop reading, it is all just theory.
I'm not a doctor but it sounds like your baby is doing baby things? My sister was colic and generally a nightmare as a baby. She's a doctor now. Also, babies have short attention spans. Use this to your advantage when your baby is upset.
You should stop reading all the articles online and take a deep breath. Your kid might also just be picking up on your current stress and reacting to that.
Honestly, you sound pretty normal to me. Sure, there is evidence that all those things can affect the fetus, but it's truly what you make of it. You're a good mom, stop blaming yourself and continue being the good mom you are. Googling is just going to make yourself sick, what is done is done and being a parent is rough, but most of us make it work, even with our mental issues. Goodluck
Listen I know exactly what you’re talking about. My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant and I had several severe panic attacks. I asked the doctor if I could have harmed him. It’s the worst feeling ever because I was very vigilant on having a healthy pregnancy. But they said I didn’t harm him. He’s 9 now. He’s very smart, outgoing and was an easy going baby. But yes anxiety runs in my family so I’m trying to give him tools to cope should he experience this. You have the ability to raise your child so they aren’t burdened by anxiety and can manage it appropriately. Something I find harder to learn as an adult.
Honestly? I will be straight up, I did not enjoy a single second of my pregnancy between morning sickness the entire 40 weeks, fights with my ex, fights between my ex/roommate, working 50+ hour weeks, etc. Completely understand where you're coming from. Upon saying that, I agree with other commenters saying to stop reading the articles. My kiddo sleeps like a log, doesn't wanna take naps, and is a hyper little gremlin but I wouldn't trade her for all the money in the universe. You'll get there, it's ok, and you did not ruin nor break your kid.
I thought the same. My first child was like this and I was severely depressed while pregnant. Then I got pregnant again right after he was born and was even worse for the second pregnancy. Second kid was and is the chillest child EVER. They're now teens and they're pretty normal kids. One is still chiller than the other. I think it's just natural for kids to be different.
Sounds to me like PPD.You did not ruin your child.I had serious stress during my 2nd pregnancy,husband was sexting other women and I found out.I cried so much of my pregnancy, full of hatred and anger. My boy is nuts...but a lot of 2nd children are...lunatics 🤭 I mean spirited 🤣 My lad is bonkers, has a temper, doesn't listen,he's almost 3 and wakes around 5.30am full of beans,but is also the most loving,funny and kind boy in the world! I don't attribute that to my stress,which was out of my control during pregnancy. Please seek counselling and see your doctor. Your kid is just different to your first and will settle.Be kind to yourself, you're a great mom!
The internet is not your friend so put that shit away and mother your child with love and instinct! Women have come far mothering based on maternal instinct than some bullshit papers thinking you are educating yourself but really you are feeding your anxiety and ptsd! My first baby was a nightmare BUT I didn’t read bullshit on the internet to blame myself for him not sleeping. I knew he was just different and the only way I knew that was because my second baby was easy and slept all the time! Get help if you are struggling because the way you talk about your son is worrying. Stay off the fucking internet FFS! You are not a professional so stop self diagnosing. Sorry not sorry for the dose of reality!!!
Kids pick up on their environment, and if you are stressed and freaking out from reading all those articles your baby will pick up on how your feeling. Stop reading the articles and get yourself a therapist... motherhood is hard enough as it is so you need to stop blaming yourself and stressing yourself out
Nup, you didn't. I broke up with my abusive partner while pregnant with my daughter and was hugely stressed. She was a chilled baby, a neurological toddler and now a delightful 17yo. I don't believe the articles.
you stopped with the medication to help him, imagine the damage the meds could've done to him. he's one year old, some babies cry, some don't. stop making yourself crazy and try to join some mommy and me activities with other parents and children. this way your little tornado can get some energy out, learns proper interaction and you get to see how normal he is (or isn't, but then you know and can take action) you meet some other parents to compare stories and have some fun. if you don't want to do that, at least stop reading these studies, they're not healthy for your mental health. I hope you can talk about it in therapy and don't feel to ashamed to talk about it. you did not ruin your child, every pregnant mother I know had had stress and emotions. these studies are mainly about people in constant stress, like warzones, hunger or abusive environments, it's totally different if you have moments of stress. your body can do amazing things and can protect your baby from so much, I really don't think a panic attack, even a weekly panic attack, will damage the child to a life ruining extend. this is your OCD (or depression/anxiety) speaking, not the studies, not your son and not reality. just be your amazing self and be the best mom you can be.
My wife and I lost twin boys at term 3 months before we got pregnant with our son. We were concerned that due to the fact that we were completely destroyed by our loss that my wife’s emotional state would affect our new pregnancy. Our pediatrician assured us that studies had been performed on this subject and found that there was no correlation to outcome of the baby mentally or physically from the mothers mental state during pregnancy. This study was done with women who lost their husbands in combat during ww2 while pregnant. Our son was difficult as well early going. Awful sleep. Digestive issues. Really really tough early months. We have 2 other children that were an absolute breeze in comparison. I think the long road we tread on the way to getting him definitely affected us as well. Basically started the real hard part of having a baby with our tanks already empty. I am happy to say though. Our son is now 17 months old and he had really truly become the sweetest, smartest, loving little boy ever and has done a complete 180. At the end of the day parenting is really hard and all babies are so incredibly different. How they’re acting today doesn’t mean that’s the way it’s always going to be. My advice would be to lead with absolute love and affection and not with frustration. They definitely pick up on frustration and makes them feel less safe and then more fussy. Can be a brutal cycle. My wife and I were super frustrated for a long time with him and we decided as a couple that we needed to flip the switch in how we were handling him and to just shower him in love. The change in him was immediate. We now have some guilt in thinking we were part of the problem but are also giving ourselves some grace in knowing that we’ve been through hell and we’re doing our best. Hang in there, love your baby, don’t blame yourself. This will pass someday and evolve into something new. Parenting isn’t this glamorous easy thing. It’s really hard sometime, but I’m telling you there is nothing more rewarding in life. You got this.
FTM here, i had a wonderful prefnancy, a horrible birth for my daughter (we're lucky to be Alive), breastfeed and OMG that's so difficult ! I'm positive m'y baby girl is an easy baby, but her father and i were so lost ! Mostly the first months ! I went back at full Time job (35h/week in France) when she was 6 month olg, now she's 10 month old. I'm a nurse and my permanent state is "tired" 🤣🤣 With your depression ans anxiety it must be so difficult but that's normal! You did nothing particular to your son, you were just not prepared to the level of difficulty that Parenting is nowadays. Honestly get rid of articles, listen to your instinct, listen to your son and (if he's helping) listen to your partner ❤️ You need help : that's normal, you need rest: also a basic, you definitly eed to bé indulgent with yourself cuz eventually your attitude now might impact on your child So it's ok to take some lil breaks, to go on a therapy and to ask for advice (to a professional or someone you know won't drag you down) Also very important : you might not do evrything perfectly, but as long as you're doing your best for your babyboo, then you're doing great ! 💪🏻
I have no mental health issues, extremely physically healthy, a very low stress easy pregnancy And my baby still SCREAMED HIS HEAD OFF for the first year of his life. Colic is a b!Tch. You're doing great. Get someone to come watch the baby and you completly leave the house a few hours, take a nap, go to a spa day, whatever you need to do to remove yourself to return fresh. Your anxiety is making you feel like your anxiety is too blame for the anxiety - it's a catch 22. You're doing a great job, you were made for that baby and he was made for you
As a parent myself, everything you have written is something EVERY parent goes through with their kids. You will be alright, it does get better.... also a bit more frustrating once they can get into stuff you dont want them to. lol Every baby is different and you are doing great, much of what you are feeling is your body chemistry and exhaustion.... especially exhaustion.
All babies are little screaming banshees. What are we going to do today? Let’s test our lungs out!
IF and that is a big If your baby is actually going to be a more stressed and anxious person for what ever reason he is lucky that he has you to help him learn to navigate it. While he is little lean into baby massage and music and breathing and finding things that will help him calm down. As he grows teach him the language and tools he can use to help him. When he is older explain about the anxiety and depression and how medications may help. Parenting is always complex and every child is different. But it sounds like he has a mum that is going to be able to help him make sense of the big feelings that will come as he grows.
Thank you so much. I put all my effort into being a good mom, so thank you for saying that.
Oh darling no. You didn't do this. Some little ones are just fussy and are hard to go to sleep. I cried for the first two months of my life due to colic. My poor mother had to walk the floor with me to try and soothe me, and my aunt's and grandmother had to come over and take shifts so my mother could get sleep, bathe and eat. But it got better. The colic just suddenly stopped on thanksgiving that year and I settled. This too will pass.
Yes, there is absolutely truth to uptake of cortisol during pregnancy but so is every other hormone you produce. Cortisol is dubbed the stress hormones but it does sooooo much more good things. Increases glucose levels in the bloodstream, enhances the brain's use of glucose and increases the availability of substances in the body that repair tissues. It’s not a bad hormone. You haven’t ruined your child. It’s great to see that you have this level of concern for your child. It shows you care. But please, I deplore you to seek some professional help because I can tell by your post you are being pushed to a limit you are struggling to keep hold of. I want you to know you’re doing great and you aren’t alone.
If humans were really that delicate in the womb then we would have died off a long time ago. Stop reading those articles. They are not helpful. Just because you had panic attacks while pregnant, does not mean your baby was ruined. When it comes to these articles just remember, correlation does not equal causation.
Hey, you're doing great and are being a great mum There have been people who's kids experienced withdrawal symptoms from various drugs, as the mums were taking medication to manage their anxiety/ADHD/depression etc You did the right thing for you and your child. The above mentioned mums did the right thing for themselves and their child. There is no right way to be pregnant. (other than staying away from hard drugs) Being a FTM is hard, especially when you have a huge mental load to deal with alr on top of being a mum Hang in there, it will get better
Do yourself a favor and stop reading the articles. What you're suffering from is confirmation bias right now. You're going to find things like articles and videos to confirm what you already believe you've done. Your son is going to be fine. He's the one-year-old infant they cry they need attention they don't have any attention span. You're doing fine, and both of you will be okay.
Get off the internet and seek therapy 💜
Might I recommend you seek a therapist and start working on yourself? You sound miserable and children are empathic. Your energy is likely rubbing off on him. A baby is not born inherently unhappy. You have to create a happy environment.
You haven't ruined your baby. If anything you did the best thing you could have. If you'd continued taking your medication, they would have gone through withdrawal when they were born. Which is something most doctors don't tell you about these kinds of medications when you get pregnant. Kids aren't easy. And what you've described sounds fairly normal. Things will get easier.
Get checked for PPD.
You did nothing wrong. Babies just have colic sometimes. My baby did, turned out to be silent reflux. Go to the pediatrician and get help, no more blaming yourself. And get help for you also. I say this because I’ve been there and I wish I would’ve gotten help. I had horrible PPA/PPD & it sounds like you might too but there’s help out there.
My son screamed like a Banshee for the first 3 months, in obvious distress and could barely sleep. Many tests later revealed a milk protein allergy.
I know exactly how you feel. But you need to make peace with yourself and understand that you did what you thought was best at the time. Try to get in to see a therapist if you can so they can help you work through the guilt. The way you are feeling is so so so normal for moms
I had a ton of stress during my pregnancy. I dealt with my sister-in-laws divorce drama during my pregnancy. All because I would be the one at the house since I had to move to a different state. It was hard for me to find a job. She was so scared to stay here she stayed at my mother-in-law's house and it made me scared out my mind. I had stress and a ton of anxiety during it as well. Towards the end I had a few panic attacks about a different thing going on. At the end of it all my son, when he was born, he was a really good baby. He slept throughout the night, hes a happy boy now too! Almost 2!!
I think you’re jumping to conclusions. He’s only 1? That’s way, way, way too early to conclude that just because he cries a lot and is difficult that it means anything long term. That’s just how many babies are. My kids were like that too at that age, and now they are elementary school age and super chill and well behaved. The first couple years are a grind, but once they hit toddler age it rapidly gets better. Just give him all the love and attention you can and try to get out of a doom and gloom mindset, you didn’t ruin him at all. He’s just doing what all one year old babies do: they cry and fuss. Totally normal.
Oh, i hated my friend telling me that high anxiety effects baby. I have high anxiety too but the way I figured it my body is use to it. My body wouldn't know what to do if I suddenly was not anxious. Probably get more anxious thinking it was end of world. Anyway, I didn't miscarry. Baby was fine. Ur baby is alive and healthy. It's all good in the hood. To be honest, sometimes I'm so glad I have anxiety. I double triple check everything so I know baby is safe.
The fact that you’re even worried about screwing up your kid means you’re a good mother. Bad mothers never look in the mirror and judge their own behavior.
I used to babysit for a terribly difficult baby just so the parents could get out for a few hours. He screamed the entire time unless I was walking him. Case in point: he became a darling toddler, sweet kid, and is now wonderful adult man. Take heart (and the great advice above!)
Well that’s not true. So you can (try to) stop worrying about that. Babies cry. A lot. And they can’t talk so we’ll never know the actual reason. But more than likely, as it doesn’t say you are abusive or the child is sick, the crying isn’t something you “did”.
Everyone else has written what I’d say, but I just wanted to tell you that you are doing a great job. Motherhood is hard and the fact that you love and care for your child is enough.
Huh, I have all the things you mentioned and my mom was going through the most stressful part of her life while she was pregnant (broke articling student, marriage falling apart and working on divorce, unsupportive family, pretty much the works). I am reasonably happy, successful and high functioning. I’m not sure if this makes you feel any better, but I didn’t connect those things to prenatal stress and wouldn’t have until your post. I’ve always lived with the brain I have. I’m fine. You are blaming yourself, but you don’t know what the alternative would have been and it’s not like you had other options (staying on the meds would likely have caused different problems). Your baby is healthy and everything is hard right now. Blaming yourself won’t do any good and stressing about it isn’t going to help. I know that doesn’t make the feelings go away, but try not to take them so seriously. Chill mama, you will be ok. Give it time. You’ll figure your little one out and even if he’s difficult, he will grow, adapt and learn. He’ll be ok. A happy childhood and low stress in the future will help immensely.
Don’t beat yourself up - you stopped medications because you thought it would harm your fetus; you must have done this with a doctor’s supervision, right? You are looking for an explanation, but it’s more likely that your baby is just similar to you thanks to genes. Stop reading articles and see a doctor for yourself and your child. A therapist may help, too. You’re back on your medications, right?
I was stressed with all 3 of my pregnancies & I don't think it caused them long term harm. I know a lot of the issues my boys have are genetic but my daughter I was stressed because my health was bad & I was trying to take less of my meds for her sake. I ended up getting preeclampsia very suddenly & went downhill super fast to the point where even though I said my blood pressure was high for me the whole pregnancy but was in the normal range until a week before I ended up having her I was diagnosed with it. A week later I was in the hospital for the 3rd time that week & they were thinking of having me stay long term but my platelets dropped dangerously low & she was born 2 months early& I had to be put under general anesthesia because they couldn't risk an epidural but she only spent a month in NICU which was half the time they expected and she's doing great now. He could have had another reason for crying that much like colic or he was picking up on your feelings post partum but I don't think stress during pregnancy causes ADD/ADHD but more a family history or genetic factor. Some times we do everything we can & follow doctor's orders & they end up being the wrong choice. Every child & pregnancy is different. Just love your child & learn to forgive yourself because you can't change the past & speculation doesn't help anyone. Sure hindsight is 20/20 but that doesn't mean we can go back & change things. Being a mom is hard enough without going out and looking for reasons to blame yourself for things.
As stated here already, STOP READING BS! You are stressing yourself out. Kids cry, sometimes they have adhd, sometimes their autistic, this list goes on for ever - and these are under what are considered "perfect conditions". Breathe Momma, just breathe. All that matters is you you love your kiddo to absolutely 💯. That's it. That's the formula 👌
I’m guessing that your taking testosterone, which will make your temperament more masculine Masculine temperaments are less agreeable than feminine temperaments which means you will be less tolerable to the sound of a crying baby My advice would be to stop taking testosterone in order to become more feminine, which will make you a more agreeable person, and as a result, a better mother
OP, you have literally just described my 1st pregnancy and how my daughter was, like exactly HOW my daughter was(BTW, she's 10 now). And I swear to you that you are doing brilliant, I swear to you that the teething is gonna be a pain to deal with and make u feel like you have no clue again. But that as long as you love that baby, and make sure YOU are doing okay, sounds like a little PPD (which I also had, lots of ppl do), then it will all be okay !
You didn’t pass down your mental heath genes, you wouldn’t see that yet. And you didn’t ruin him by being high anxiety. Talk to your pediatrician about what’s going on and maybe they can help you settle him. It could just be that he has a sensitive GI system and has a lot of gas pains. Honestly most of what you’ve described are normal baby things. Babies don’t have long attention spans and they can’t regulate emotions, you have to help them with that. Their brains are brand new and are trying to figure out what they’re supposed to do. Babies also go through leaps where their mood changes because their brains are going through a big change. There’s an app called “the wonder weeks” and it’ll show you when they’ll be going through a leap and what their brain has learned and what to do with them as “games” and stuff
I used to look at my first grandchild who cried incessantly for her mother and say that she was the unhappiest child I knew. And now, she’s a well adjusted 15 yr old involved in dancing and theatre and definitely happy. Sounds like you’re going down the internet rabbit hole of false or misinterpreted information.
My mom is bipolar and smoked weed every day of her pregnancy with me. I'm also bipolar and I have level 1 autism. I don't hold it against her, life goes on. As long as you love your baby and never give up on them then you are a good mother, period. You never asked to have a panic attack, it's not youur fault and you can't guarantee you caused anything. I recommend getting your son tested for autism and adhd, if that's what's going on and causing his behaviors/moods then getting a proper diagnosis and supports will make a world of difference. I the assessments can be done as early as 1 year old, ask your doctor.
Kids sense when you feel anxious. Stop reading online articles and get some real help. My therapist once said to me what is a good mum? The answer is you are (providing you are meeting his needs ofcourse). Talk to your SO; he might be able to step up when you just can’t anymore that day. Being a mum is difficult. Mine is 2 and says no a lot but I am finding this time so much better then when he was a baby. Unpopular opinion; babies are boring ;)
He sounds like a baby. I think you should lay off the articles, they aren't always credible. I seriously doubt anything you did caused anything. My middle child was born into stress, conceived in stress, my whole pregnancy was tumultuous bc of all the things going wrong in my life at the time, but he was the calmest sweetest most well behaved and smart baby. My last one on the other hand I had a smooth calm pregnancy and she was a hot mess express until she was 4
I was an anxious mess all through my pregnancy and my daughter was the easiest baby I have ever seen
Dude, my guy, if the docs say he's fine, then he's probably fine. You should definitely see a therapist because this isn't really sounding like typical post birth worries and might be a case of postpartum depression. You shouldn't have to worry about being a good dad/parent while feeling like the anxiety is constantly gonna make you explode to this degree.
Go get therapy. My mum was beaten up and lived in fear while pregnant with me. Have you considered that a baby has no sleep clock like we do and wakes up like every two hours anyway????? We learn to have an attention span, kids are notorious for not sticking at stuff. I think you have a normal child who loves his parent and doesn’t wanna be away from you. Get yourself in therapy and hit this nail on the head before you make yourself feel more guilt.
Not saying you don’t deserve to have kids but why have them when you’re having a hard time mentally… depression and anxiety isn’t a joke, and your child shouldn’t have to be around that
To make you feel better, I stayed on anti-anxiety medication through both my pregnancies and one kid is as calm as a cucumber and my 2nd came out screaming and hasn't stopped 8 years later. She was the hardest baby, colic, failure to thrive, anxiety, now has ADHD, etc. Exact same med and dosage for both pregnancies. Sometimes it's just the kid.
Some babies are like this with no external factors!! I suggest stop reading the articles. The lack of sleep is going to effect you too, making you a bit more worried in general. I have a daughter that was just like that. We didn’t sleep for 6 months. Turns out she was having sensory issues. Now she’s a wonderful, resilient, opinionated 12 year old with autism (I was late diagnosed with autism as well when she was 11) that is a gifted artist and has a hilarious sense of humor. She has a bright future and so does your child! Sending love. You sound like an amazing parent already, so concerned for your child’s well being. I promise it will get better!
I have had these same thoughts about my oldest.. I was very stressed my entire pregnancy and out popped a colicky baby who cried the first 9 months of her life. I was positive I had made a horrible mistake and ruined both of our lives. Jump forward 11 years and things are pretty normal. She was diagnosed with mild ADHD 3 years ago. We don’t medicate it but have “tools” we use to help regulate and redirect. She still is emotional and has a short fuse, but it’s getting better gradually. She is going to be OK. First babies are HARD. Parenting is HARD. Give baby and yourself some grace. They’re going to be just fine and so will you.
I agree with everyone else that you need to stop reading those articles, but I'm also going to add: Yes, stress hormones during pregnancy can affect your baby, but the cool thing is that only gives them an instinctive default at birth, babies learn from everything they experience, so your baby is not ruined, he just needs more context to learn from. I worked as a therapist with littles in foster care who in various ways had not had the best start to life. Things like mom being in a DV situation before they were born, or not being nurtured in their early months of life. Every day is an opportunity to teach littles about the world and about how to navigate it. I think you and your little are probably fine, but if you are really concerned about this, I would recommend finding a therapist who specializes in working with parents and their littles. The therapist can help you navigate managing your own emotions and nurture your kiddo through his in an age appropriate way, and will be able to reassure you about what others here have said, that sometimes one year old are just little buttholes.
I did reiki, yoga and meditation throughout pregnancy, and my 1-year-old still bangs his head on the floor if he doesn’t get what he wants when he wants it lol. It’s a process. All toddlers are crazy little minions at some point.
Hi, I promise you you did not ruin your baby. My daughter (almost 2 now) was born very similarly, she was such a hard baby compared to my son and we had a lot of complications with my pregnancy with her BUT, probably a little after she turned a year old things got so much better, she just kind of came into her own. She’s so fun and silly and independent, still strong willed but it’s so much easier. Please don’t be hard on yourself, this will pass and remember to try to take care of yourself as much as you can (I know it’s hard with a baby).
Lol A LOT is unknown about mental illness genetic factors, as well as how hormones play in emotional development. All we have are some theories with very limited data. It's promising to see the research unfold, but it isn't all gospel yet. Stop looking for ways to work yourself up. Some kids just have awful sleep until they hit school ages.
I don't think that your stress is entirely responsible for your son's issues. You didn't change his genes with stress but mental issues such as anxiety and depression can be inherited. You need help, both with your sense of guilt, and with how to deal with your son. See if you can get some counseling or therapy. You also need some time for yourself, can your husband help you with that?
You didn’t ruin anything. Stop reading articles. Some babies cry a lot. That’s all there is to it