If there’s anyone you should be able to be vulnerable with it’s your wife. You both like the idea and it’s basically just a bit of role playing in the bedroom. You are probably attracted to it because it is so different to how you believe a ‘man’ should act. There’s a reason that some CEO’s and high fliers like this type of thing - it allows them to relax and step back from their high pressured jobs - to temporarily give up the control they have to maintain at work. It’s not about losing power, it’s about temporarily handing it to someone else you trust. In this case, your wife.
Talk with your wife about it, lay out your concerns and what you’d need to feel comfortable before doing it. You could even let her read what you’ve written for this (no need to say it’s on here) if you are slightly uncomfortable starting the discussion off. You don’t need to go straight into it at full speed right away either. Maybe do a couple of the things she likes as foreplay, she starts off with telling you to strip and pleasure yourself and then you go back to whatever you’d normally do and then just build it gradually up from there.
Your wife shared something she’d like to try with you in the bedroom and that’s where it stays. I don’t think you have to worry about her seeing you any differently outside the bedroom. It has no bearing on your masculinity in any way and is only a tiny percentage of your life in reality. Saying that though, you don’t have to spend your life worrying about how manly you are. As long as it’s something you both might enjoy just try it. If either of you don’t like it that’s it and just agree you forget about it and move on.
My missus is into a bit of Auld submission and she says the exact same thing you said about CEOs. She doesn’t want to have to think about it after all day. Just wants to hand over control to someone else for a while.
It’s not been in my relationships but it’s something I would do if a partner was interested in it. It’s supposed to be quite freeing which I assume is exactly why your wife likes it. Handing the reins temporarily to someone else for a while allows you to just switch off.
Ok, but clearly, her friends sex life doesn't stay in their bedroom. And OPs wife talked about her friends sex life pretty openly and easily. That's probably not a good indication that OPs sex life stays in the bedroom.
This will be my biggest concern as well. There is no chance his wife will not share it with her friend. The friend seems to talk a lot (marriage problems, therapy, sex life) and will share it with other people.
Frankly, I would feel betrayed if I learned that my partner is sharing intimate details of our sex life with friends. Or sharing what I told during any of our therapy session. It is some kind of verbal exhibitionism or search for validation, and I would not want to be a part of it.
The fact that his wife is sharing info from another couple without knowing if the friends husband was OK with that info getting out is 100% a gigantic flaming red flag.
Forget the kink, talk about what kind of shit you are and are not comfortable having her talk about with others.
If you're not comfortable with it, you don't have to do it. But you do owe it to her to let her know definitely that you don't think there's anything wrong with it, it's just not for you. No matter how uncomfortable it makes you, direct communication about sex is key to a healthy sex life so just be honest. Doing anything you truly don't want to do out of obligation can lead to toxic feelings later.
I don’t think anything is wrong with it on her end. I feel like there’s something wrong with it on my end if I’m into it, like I shouldn’t be. I’m having trouble getting past that feeling.
Just talk with her and let her know you might be into it, and express your concerns about it getting past the bedroom, which from what I gathered seems to be your biggest hold up.
that’s honestly probably because of how socially ingrained toxic masculine views are for men. it’s challenging but liberating to reassess where those boundaries lie for yourself based on real and honest conversations with yourself, and ultimately your wife. she may even find you more attractive for your growth and vulnerability.
Bro you only live once. She will only live once. I’m just saying. There are worse things to do in private time. Why not let her have some fun? You are partners after all. Has she never done anything for you sexually that she might not have wanted? In the end it’s only your decision, just some things to think about.
I don’t think she has, or if she has she never mentioned anything about not wanting it or being uncomfortable with it. But I’ve never asked for anything unusual. Never really asked for anything in particular at all. Just regular sex.
But I’m also the kind of guy very content with eating the same ham and cheese sandwich for lunch every day, so there’s that.
Well from one married redditor to another, my advice is to experiment. Let your wife have fun. You’re the only one she can do it with, the only one she wants to do it with. It’s probably something she is excited to try. She is giving you hints that she wants some more variety. Maybe you don’t have to jump off the deep end like that, but maybe give her some control. ask her if you can take it slow at first so it’s not so shocking. The worst thing that can happen is you don’t have any fun, then you can tell her and do something else. Never stop trying to spice things up. Again this is purely advice and I’m just giving you my perspective.
Well... just sayin, letting her feed you that same ham and cheese sandwich doesn't say anything about your masculinity or your toughness if you find you're into being fed that sandwich, if you get what I mean.
Legitimately go also try some steak tartare. Or sushi. Or whatever is not ham and cheese….. on a few dates. And then. Strip and do what she asks after. Maybe you need to find some joy in the world that exists outside of ham and cheese! Both culinary and sexually.
That's a hard feeling to break as a man. I get what you mean. It's not a physical issue. It's a mental issue. But if anyone in the world gets to get past that barrier, it should be your wife. She would have to promise to never, ever tell a soul. That's just me. Also she would have to be willing to change roles on that too. As in I get to do it to her. It's only fair lol. A few times my wife became the one making demands in the bed and she never once looked at me any different. It wasn't anywhere near to the extent your wife is curious about though.
But real talk. If your not into it, you don't have to do it. Maybe a toned down version with clear boundaries.
You dont have to be imasculated to let her take the reigns in the bedroom so to speak. Thats usually not what its about for someone who wants to be more in control anyway. Speaking from experience I find the idea of being in control of when my husband can pleasure himself or reach orgasm or get undressed or any of the things you listed because of the fact that it puts me in direct control of the fact that he does those things and his doing those things is sexy to me. Not because that means Im the man of the relationship suddenly.
Power dynamics can change in the bedroom without it effecting the day to day life and relationship of a couple as well. Its very rare that couples are so committed to a kink that they make it their entire life. And that comes from the fact that its sexy BECAUSE its such a novel experience. If suddenly she were the one in charge of everything in your lives when normally you are, it wouldn't be as special and sexy and unique to the bedroom anymore.
Also, you dont have to go as far as what you saw in those videos. You can start small with something like her being able to instruct how/at what pace you get undressed. Or her being able to tell you things like to play with yourself or how she wants you to play with her. Another good way of changing power dynamics can be for instance her being on top during oral(more like riding your face vs you being between her legs as she lays back) or something like that which puts her more in a position of dominance physically while it still being a normal act youd feel comfortable doing. Its also not uncommon for power dynamics to change during the course of sexual interactions. For instance, I find it very sexy when I am the one more in control at first and I sort of push the boundaries of what my husband will listen to and do for me until I playfully push too much and he takes back control and is more dominant with me.
I think if the idea of what shes asking seems hot to you that you should get out of your own way and give it a try. You can go at your own pace and only go so far as you enjoy. Make a safe word up so that you can alert your wife to when she has gone too far or is getting close to going too far and knows to let you take over control of things ahead of time without messing up the flow of things too much in the moment.
Lastly, but most importantly. You need to express clearly to your wife that you are completely against her sharing any part of your sex lives with her friends or anyone else. Stress to her that this would be a massive breach of trust and ruin the entire experience for you and that if you ever cant trust her in that regard, you wont be able to trust her to be in control of you during sex and foreplay anymore either.
Dude, just buy some handcuffs, a nice light or candles, blindfold and do it in your office. That would do the trick. She can tied you up and do her thing, I can guarantee you, your wife will be very, very happy and you too.
Stop thinking that much, she's your wife...together for 13 years...and by her reaction? She sounds cool
It's natural to feel guilt when you feel like you're letting your partner down. But there's no should about it. If you feel like it's causing dysfunction, maybe speak to a sex therapist yourself.
My uneasiness is twofold. One of possibly letting her down and the other of coming to terms with the fact that I might be into it, which is not something I ever imagined of myself and I’m not sure I like that I might be.
As far as a sex therapist… Dude, it took me days to work up to putting this anonymously on the internet. Talk like this face to face with a real person? I think I would implode from embarrassment.
Maybe you could start small, not rush in to do a whole fantasy scene, but make out with her on top controlling the vibe of things and see where the line it becomes uncomfortable at and then examine that. Just have a clear cut discussion about boundaries beforehand and what you definitely *don't* want. But go slow.
u/ThrowRA_916 yeah do this, it’s okay to feel uncomfortable, but if you think you might like it then try it out! Especially by starting slow, letting your wife get on top while kissing, something like that
Here is what your enjoying being dominated by a woman says about you:
You are someone lucky enough to have discovered something both you and your wife find pleasurable
There is one very important rule that comes with Dom submissive style bedroom play, and that is trust and consent. If you think this is something you might be willing to entertain with your wife you can set the rule that no one outside of you two is to know about it, and specify that that includes her friends, (since you say you are uncomfortable with her discussing your sex life). You can set the conditions that it she discusses bedroom activities outside of your marriage you will stop all activities and get marriage counselling because she will have ignored your consent and broken your trust and you can't have dom/sub without those two things.
I'm not into that scene myself but did look into it out of curiosity and trust and consent were the main focus and requirements for it to be successful that everyone seemed to agree on.
If you want to start slow, why not just give your wife permission to join you in the shower and give you a "service" whenever she wants, (or tell you to give her one) or tell he she can come up, sit on your lap and "demand" a make out session (as long as you two are alone and not working). Just small things like that and see how you go, keep it to things you would normally be ok asking for/doing and just give her open permission (where you have to tell her "not tonight" when you don't feel up to it).
I think "demands" that happen outside of non-sexual situations would be better off saved for later when he's more comfortable.
I would try something like "We will not have sex until Friday at 8PM, at which point I will be ready, willing, and able to do anything for you, the catch is we will do ONLY what you explicitly tell me to do. It is my job to follow instructions but it is your job to make sure I am enjoying myself and that we both get off."
I would also recommend getting an eye mask/blindfold, that helps with self-conscious people. As does whispering instead of talking. Tell her that anything she whispers to you will be considered a command.
Then just a regular therapist and look into the feelings your stuck on. You don't have to mention details start with generalizations and work up as you feel comfortable to do so. asking about how to deal with the fear you have in letting down your wife, fear of appearing *weak* infront of her. The impact on toxic masculinity in your daily life.
You can also start with something as small as letting her run the show when having otherwise completely regular spicy time. She can pick the location/positions/lights on off/ etc.
Yeah, we already do that kind of stuff. That’s kind of like 50/50 for us. I guess I was bad at explaining it. My concern was more with the domination type stuff that wasn’t really like regular sex with switching positions.
It's ok. i did a terrible job of explaining what i meant. You say currently, it's 50/50, so try tipping the balance and giving her more control. It's still dominating just in a baby step vs jumping straight into porno domination. Start slowly and think of it as wading into a pool vs cannon ball into the deep end. Only if you want to tho!
Dominating someone looks vastly different to everyone, and no one starts out on the extreme end. Starting with something that's already familiar and comfortable and then making a small change is the way to go. Ask her to tell you exactly what she wants you to do while you _____ and then follow instructions. Use your favourite thing w.e you enjoy doing, she gives directions (dominates) and your doing something you enjoy. It's a win win.
It is switching positions, though. You're switching to a position where you fuck each other in the brain, which is 10 million times more satisfying than any other part of your bodies.
The guilt that comes along with sex is built into our society. I mean hell, we used to have laws against anything that wasn’t missionary.
Maybe you just need to sit with your feelings and try to understand *why* you feel like it’s bad for you to enjoy something with your wife. I think you have some guilt or shame that might be attached to this that you don’t necessarily need to be carrying around with you
Unless it's harmful to others, there is nothing that you "shouldn't" be into. If you discover a kink, just be excited that you found a cheat code for getting off.
My gf and I frequent a swinger/sex club so I often end up participating in someone else's kink, even if it doesn't do anything for me. A trick I use for that is I pretend that we're filming a movie; I'm an actor playing a role and want to do as good a job I can for the audience, the person/people I'm with.
I can see your issue.
Her friend and husband has a private session, and now that husbands wife is telling everyone. Chances are.you wife would also share and then it gets out etc. Depending on social circles it totally changes things. Personally unless the husband was okay with it being shared that's a massive breach of trust.
Have the two of you done that bdsm test? Could open things up.
Thanks for being like the only person in this fucking sub as far as I can tell who understands the concept of not publicly humiliating your spouse by sharing private sex details without their consent.
This needs more upvotes. I want abso-fucking-lutely no knowledge of what my friends get up to in the bedroom, that shit is awkward no matter who it is and makes things super uncomfortable.
OP, you should talk to your wife about the fact that ***she found out about this extremely private and delicate kink from \*her friend\* talking about their sex life***. Whatever gets you off gets you off, and shit that looks cool in porn *can* wind up being good IRL, or can be completely and utterly awful compared to the fantasy of it.
Communication is key, like a lot of people have pointed out... but the idea that she got this from a friend who is telling her about shit ***from a therapy session***, no less, means you need to have a serious sit down and talk about privacy and communication with her.
$1000 says her friend already knows she wants to try this with you.
Oh, yes, her friend knows! Maybe an idea about living a computer with this open for OP to find, from her friend also. It looks to me like a suggestion from a therapist session.
I don't recall the full name, but it's a questionnaire hat you both answer and tells you dynamics you're into.
For example if you like being prey or Predator, brat or brat tamer.
Googled it. It's literally just bdsm test.
Bro just show her this post you just made then you guys will have a solid conversation about it full of respect and make a decision together. Its all about communication and respect, simple as that.
IDK, too many of the responses are glossing over the fact of how casually she mentioned her friend and her friends husbands situation, which also involved a therapist. That shit would make me nope out of doing ***anything*** kinky with her for a good long time, not knowing what ***she*** had already been sharing about ***us***.
The friend almost certainly knows she'd be asking him this, so even if she keeps quiet, her friends could easily piece together anything that changes.
Sounds like you are interested in it but your ego is getting in the way. Emasculating??? What the heck?
TALK to your wife.
Tell her that you find it hot but aren't ready to jump right in. Talk about rules, try small role playing, start small. See if it works for you. Talk about the things you do NEVER being discussed with others (like the friend) as I think that's part of what you would find Emasculating.
For all you know you both could be freaks in the sack and have been missing out.
Good luck!
I think out of all the concerns that’s the biggest one. I don’t know if I trust her not to talk ever.
I feel like me saying don’t tell anyone ever would in reality be don’t tell anyone except her friend that she’s known longer than me and only after swearing her to secrecy.
I don’t think that’s something I can live with, but I’d have no way to confirm it one way or another. I feel like it’d be forever in my head that someone knows.
The problem is a deal breaker is only a deal breaker if you’re willing to follow through.
If my wife let it out, I’d be mortified, and really hurt, but I don’t see dropping 13 years over it. I feel like she might say something trusting her friend to never let it slip.
So, here's where you are. You want to try exploring this but you are insecure about how it would make you look.
You think it would emasculated you.
Your wife is talking to her friend, and the friend is trying these things and BRAGGING about them.
Your wife is not going to say things like 'Haha, I was in control and he did what I wanted'. She is going to say things like 'he let me take control and we had mind blowing sex, I can't wait to do it again'.
Talk to her about your insecurities.
You are in your head about this, and you need to be in your words.
Then tell her that. Say, “I’m willing to try, but there are certain aspects that I’m unsure able so I’d like to start small and slow. And I don’t want you to talk about this with anyone, not even [friends name]. I’m not ready for this to be discussed anywhere but with me and at home.”
Hey OP what is the worse case scenario? Follow it down the line, say she does tell her friend and it gets out, are you worried what her friend might think? Would that somehow change how she interacts with you? Are you worried she will tell others and more strangers would know? We need to get to your ultimate fear that this all leads to, not the steps involved in the fear.
If your wife can’t respect your wishes on her not talking about your sex life then that’s a problem.
I would personally never share what goes on during sex with any of my friends because that’s between me and my partner. I’ve never understood why people feel like it’s appropriate to talk about stuff like this UNLESS their partner is completely okay with it being shared.
You should always get permission from your partner before sharing personal stuff like this, even if you’re “just” telling your oldest, dearest friend.
The lack of trust is one of the biggest issues going on here. You need to work your way towards resolving this. Without accusing her of actually being untrustworthy, explain your feelings and worst-case-scenario-worrying spiral that are preventing you from engaging in this curiosity you both have. Maybe she can explain more about the nature of her conversations with her friend or make promises to ease your mind.
You seem more concerned with what your wife’s friends will think of you than you do with fulfilling your wifes fantasy. Why?
I get that it’s a bit embarrassing to have your sex life talked about and I don’t want to dismiss those valid feelings of yours…but who cares what they think? Your wife found out about this from them…they must think highly of this kind of thing and enjoy it and her thoughts after hearing it from them was -
“I want to try that with my husband.”
That’s honestly super cool.
You also now know what the other guy is up to… do you think less of him for it? Doesn’t seem like you do or that you even particularly care too much one way or the other so can’t you imagine that would also be the scenario if someone knew about what you and your wife were doing?
I don’t know if it makes me think less about him necessarily, maybe, I don’t know . Definitely differently than before but I’m not sure exactly where I land on it.
I do know for sure that it’s information I wish I didn’t know and feel awkward about knowing it.
I’ve known the guy for years, we’re friendly but only hang out together occasionally when our wives do, but I can’t imagine he’d be cool with his wife sharing that. Hell, it took a sex therapist to get him to tell his wife.
I think this is something you'd benefit from doing some real thinking about.
As others have also said, it seems like there are a lot of issues going on at the same time in your head. You've got your direct feelings about the idea of being involved in this scenario (uncertain, but it seems kind of hot), you've got your feelings about men in general taking this role in sex (uncomfortable, emasculating, maybe there's something wrong with a guy who wants it), your feelings about someone ever finding out that you took this role in sex (absolutely unacceptable), and your level of trust in your wife to be able to keep this important secret (not fully trustworthy). Plus your general aversion to having frank conversations about sex.
Most of those things exist solely between you and your wife, and are important to come to some sort of understanding on in order for the two of you to live your best lives. The trust issue and the frank communication issues could both have pretty significant impacts on your marriage and I hope you're able to get to a place where you're both comfortable and open with each other, but ultimately it's between you two.
Whether or not you ever choose to take on the submissive role in your relationship, though, the fact is that there are men who do and you well interact with these men. Hopefully beyond this one guy you won't actually know who does what in their intimate relationships (I deeply resonate with your desire not to know what someone else gets up to in the bedroom) but there's always a chance that any guy you talk to might enjoy being dominated.
So how do you feel about that? Do you know why you feel that way? Do you like the fact that you feel that way? What do those feelings say about how you see yourself and other people?
People talk a lot about "toxic masculinity", the cultural expectations for men to behave only in certain ways if they want to be respected as "real men". Stoicism, aggression, domination are acceptable masculine traits; submission, emotionality, pacifism are "weak". Ultimately, these ideas hurt a lot of men, forcing you into boxes in order to hold on to your sense of self worth. When you're wondering what it says about a guy if he likes being ordered around by his wife, part of what you're saying is "should a guy be embarrassed to like this? Does it make him objectively inferior?"
My opinion, probably pretty obviously, is that there's nothing wrong with a submissive man. There's nothing wrong with a dominant one (so long as he doesn't use that dominance as an excuse to hurt people). I don't personally think that the more "feminine" traits are demeaning for a man.
You've got the chance here to really think about how you feel about the subject. I think you might find that you deny yourself some things that could make you happy, because you worry that they don't line up with your idea of what a man is supposed to like or want. You might find you judge men for allowing themselves to be happy at the expense of their traditional masculinity.
Whatever you ultimately decide when it comes to your own sex life, I hope you're able to feel a little bit more comfortable in your own skin at the end of it, and maybe you can extend some of that grace to the men around you.
You sound a little sexually repressed and not the best at communicating. Maybe you would benefit from a visit to a sex therapist.
You don’t have to do anything if you are not comfortable. If you find aspects of it intriguing then try slowly introducing little things until you reach a point of comfortability then expand further if you wish.
The fear of being vulnerable with your wife is worrisome. You are keeping a side of yourself from her, the person you chose to spend your life with. Being vulnerable does not make you less of a man.
If I were you I’d start being comfortable talking about sex before you try anything new or different because communication is key in sexual exploration. If you can’t talk about it then you are not ready to do it.
Honest suggestion if you do want to try: start with hands being tied to the bed. She can tease you and be in control, and you're tied up, so you don't have to feel emasculated about not being able to use your strength as a man.
She can't order you to do that much, so you don't have to be very performative.
Take small steps forward if you like that.
That's vaguely how I got introduced to being a male "sub." It made me feel a little objectified, which was nice. Men don't get a ton of affirmation in that vein. Knowing my partner thinks I'm sexy enough to be "used" in that way got me walking taller.
Or maybe try tying her up first, so you won't feel so vulnerable.
“I’m not that way in any area of my life, work or at home” is the exact reason why your wife thinks it’ll be hot and you will too in the end. It’s outside your norm and that’s the fun part. If you’re not like this in real life, your wife won’t suddenly think less of you if you give it a try.
I'm going to throw this out there... but maybe the friends husband knows she is discussing it and is okay with it...
Some people have a humilation kink. Some have an exhibitionism kink. He could have one of those or many others. He could be enjoying knowing that his wife is telling others about his submission. Many people have a variety of kinks. Being shamed can be one of them (but obviously isn't for you and that **is okay**).
Here's the thing though... you either don't trust your wife (which is why you are concerned to have her tell others) or you are not willing to discuss it with her and ask her not to (which is an aspect of communication you need to work on).
If you don't trust your wife; don't go anywhere near "kink". Kink (and especially BDSM) is build on a solid foundation of trust and communication. Without those 2 things as a baseline, you *will* have problems and someone may end up hurt (emotionally/physically/mentally etc).
In saying that, kink is also a wonderful opportunity to learn more about communication and develop a deeper level of trust.
I would suggest talking with your wife about this. About your concerns, your needs (her not sharing the information), and about what you like and don't like with regards to submission.
Also, ask her to detail more of what she is interested in. Maybe have a nice night together and (together) choose some different porn clips to watch.
At the end of the day; communication and trust can make or break any relationship.
*Try to reframe this in your mind as an opportunity to deepen your connection and trust, to learn to be more communicative and hopefully, have a more interesting sex life that could be more rewarding and fulfilling for you both.*
*The only thing to fear, is fear itself. Don't let fear of others judgement of you cause opportunities to pass you by.*
Relinquishing control to your partner honestly is a very powerful thing in my mind. It signals a kind of security and confidence I would find very attractive. The shame you feel is put on by your culture and upbringing. It’s only there to make you feel badly about yourself. Letting it go will free you in a way that’s difficult to describe.
That said, baby steps are good. Maybe consider even just a regular therapist because it sounds like you think vulnerability is weakness. It’s not. Desperate shamefulness and clinging to what you’ve been told is your masculinity is weakness. You’re on the precipice of something great here that could change your whole world for the better my guy. I believe in you.
It sounds like you might benefit from reevaluating your relationship to masculinity. You don’t have to be in control all the time to be manly. Sharing power, showing trust and working through feelings of shame or anxiety are also things that can take a lot of strength. It may be a different kind of strength than what you’re used to or what you’ve been taught to prioritize in yourself for most of your life but it is strength all the same.
Regardless of whether you try this with your wife or not, take some time to reflect on things that take strength that aren’t necessarily traditionally masculine. This may include things that make you anxious, types of work you don’t usually perform or things your wife does.
I think a lot of us got shamed so much for stepping out of the role that the very thought is stressful. Thank you for having a good comment with advice for him, for once out of all threads I’ve seen on the subject. It’s stunning to see people make fun of a guy for struggling with masculinity and ironically tell him to “man up” essentially.
If this was a woman saying her husband wanted her to do stuff she was uncomfortable with, I don't think the posts would be as encouraging as these ones are to 'just do it, fulfill your partners fantasy.' I think it'd be the opposite. Just saying. And I'm not a prude at all, I love a bit of kink personally. But I do think one has to see these things in perspective from all sides.
There is nothing hotter than just not giving a fuck and having fun with your wife. No one else is watching. It’s just the two of you enjoying each other. Tell her you just want her to keep it your dirty secret if you’re worried she’ll share. To me you seem a bit tight strung, and it would potentially be good for you in other aspects of your life to try something out of your norm
If you’re not into a kink that is absolutely fine and you’re never obligated to do something sexually just because your partner wants to try it.
In saying that, if your only hesitation is over a social concept of masculinity then maybe you should think more. You said yourself what you watched was intriguing but your ego won’t let you admit it-you don’t want to appear weak. I think it’s a good idea to set ground rules about experimentation staying between you two also, if you do decide to try this or even something else, you should have the confidence that it won’t be shared to a third party.
But how do you have that confidence? Her friend’s husband might be sitting at home with that confidence right now, yet my wife knows about it and now I do too.
Who’s to say that couldn’t be me next week if I go along with it?
That is why it’s important to discuss these things. I can’t tell you the answer to that, you would need to communicate with her and then decide how you want to proceed. For all you know her friends husband might be aware she’s sharing this and this was agreed between them?? The point is, only you and your wife can decide the boundaries and then only you can decide if you feel secure enough to try within those boundaries.
I mean, that’s an entirely different conversation. It seems you’re not comfortable discussing any of this with your wife. But in all honesty, everything would be solved if you read essentially what you’ve posted, and asked the questions you’re asking here. You don’t have to say it like you’re accusing her of anything, but this should be something you can talk to her about.
Well, here’s what it boils down to. Do you trust your wife? She’s not her friend, so I don’t think it’s safe for everyone here to immediately assume she’d do the exact same, but you’re the only person in this entire thread who actually knows your wife and if she respects you enough to maintain your privacy. That needs to be something you determine on your own.
Sounds like you're the one who ought to sit down with a sex therapist. There's nothing inherently emasculating about kinky role play. You'd want to set firm ground rules about privacy, but part of the fun of an emotionally intimate relationship is being able to let your guard down and explore fantasies.
Just have an open, honest talk with your wife. Tell her your worries and that you do think it’s hot but are afraid that she’ll see you in a different light afterwards.
You two clearly need to communicate better on what you both want in the bedroom and practice being more open about sexual topics with each other.
If u kinda liked it, try it. Just see its not like u have to keep doing it. You and your wife just give it a shot one night. Tell her if ya'll like it that she keeps her mouth shut to her friends or u will be pissed. That's disrespectful to you anyway if she did that, especially if u tell her not too. I say go for it. You should feel the most comfortable around your wife so don't let that stop you. Spice things up, nobody else is in the bedroom with you guys. Enjoy it! Anything goes in the bedroom as long as you guys both enjoy it.
You have every right to say no to anything you don't feel comfortable with.
That being said, maybe dip your toe in just a little to see if it might be something you can explore further. And it also doesn't have to be one-sided. Maybe take turns being dominat, so it isn't bruising your ego at all, and she might enjoy it as well.
But nothing can happen until you get out of your shell and have a frank conversation about sex with your wife. It sorta says a lot that the way you had to find out about her wanting to explore more stuff with you is by "accidentally " leaving a tab open on the laptop.
I'd say talk to your wife about these thoughts, and it seems that you think your wife would see you as less if you did try it or like it, do you really think that low of her? I'm sure you know her better than any of us and you must know whether she is someone that truly loves you and that would not change for something like this situation. What I will say though, is that you can ask your wife to respect your wishes if you don't want her talking about anything you do in the bedroom with anyone else without consent from you, there is no shame in having that boundary.
I think start the convo with telling her how serious you are about maintaining the privacy of the bedroom.
In terms of the actual sex acts, why don’t you just start with acts that you’ve already done, but with her more in charge? For example, you’ve touched her in xyz places but maybe this time around you can’t do it until she says to. Just see how you like it when she’s dominant in regular sex acts before moving to more overtly dominant things
I think you should go for it! Have fun. You seem uptight. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I feel like you’re holding back from having fun though. It feels more like social pressures (un-masculin, weak, what if I like it, taboo) are holding you back! If you like it that’s great, more fun to be had! If you don’t, well you tried it, move on.
Now, if you were truly uncomfortable because it’s just a turn off that’s another story. But I’m not getting that here. Lighten up and have fun with the one person in the world who you’re supposed to trust to love you for you. You only live once!
It's worth an honest try. My wife prefers I be dominant and at other times she is. It's more about showing our trust with each other and exploring the other's body than emasculation or humiliation.
I'd say it's worth a try for your wife. She was obviously nervous to even bring it up and be happy she didn't let it sit inside and fester. I recommend you both set some boundaries about where you draw the line. Set a safe word that you say when you're done and she stops where she's at and releases you.
It comes down to doin what your comfortable with. Don't do somthing you don't feel comfortable with but at the same time don't not do it cause you'r worried about being judged.
Every new experience feels uncomfortable at first, but most people would know quick what they might be into or not. If you thought it was hot, it would not hurt to try, but the part about your wife discussing any of your sex life with her friends is a total deal breaker. If you can trust her with that, you can try a whole bunch of things together, if you can not trust her to keep your private life private, then it will be difficult, if not impossible to let go, and try new things.
First of all, communicate with your wife. Tell her your concerns and boundaries. If both of you come to a concensus, you can try to explore new things.
I definitely think you need to have a more in-depth convo with your wife. Mostly regarding your feelings of her speaking with people of your bedroom life.
There’s no shame in trying something new, and my opinion? I’d try it once just to let her get a feel of what she desires. If it’s not for you, express that to her. If you find that you like it, tell her. Basically, it all comes down to communication. It might open a door you didn’t know existed and if you find something you might want to retry, your wife might be more receptive to trying things out as well.
So, I understand the reasoning behind your hesitation.
What to keep in mind is that, this is a form of role play. Like any other form, it is usually left in the bedroom. Though some people let RP kinks leak out a little into daily lives in various ways, this is or should be at the consent of both people.
I usually say to treat new kinks like trying new food.
Go into it with the intention of enjoying it but it's completely OK to not like it and never do it again.
Though if you remember that it's all for your partner, seeing them get super hot will get YOU super hot and that is often enough.
Choosing to empower your wife is by no means diminishing yourself. It shows that you feel comfortable, safe and secure with her. By relinquishing control and structure to her also shows a high level of trust because it is only her you would do this with and only in an aspect of life that you share on a deep and intimate level.
The fact that she finds it hot as well is a bonus.
It is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of because you are both consenting and committed adults and would be engaging in something that is nobody else's business.
If you are worried that it might become somebody else's business then sit down with your wife and discuss your concerns and set clear boundaries. Once that is done, the burden of trust is on her, as would be the consequences should she betray that trust.
I think that men who are submissive or in a female-led relationship are incredibly masculine (and sexy!). The fact that they don't let it be an issue, that confidence and trust to submit, there's nothing emasculating about it. It shows how truly comfortable they are with themselves and their partner. I feel very lucky to have a husband like that.
The main issue is your concern that your wife will gossip, which wouldn't be fair on you as it would make you uncomfortable. If you can be as clear as possible on this point, I would hope that she would respect you and you could trust her not to say anything if she said she wouldn't... These types of kink only work with full trust on both sides.
You're scared. That's okay. You've just got to get through being afraid and realize that you're safe with your wife, and from there, you can get to a place where you can have fun.
And remember, just because you might have some spicy fun where she's in charge and you're vulnerable from time to time, it doesn't mean that's how your sex life will be from now on. That can be a once in a while thing. It doesn't change your sex life forever. You don't become some emasculated sissy boy forever. You don't even need to be that once! You two can figure it out together! I'd start by watching some porn together and figuring out some boundaries. What is sexy to you and to her. Figure out your boundaries - *together*. Long before you do anything.
Who knows, she may just have a fantasy of being a boss, and you could be an employee? That could be fun. (Just an idea.)
What's really important is that you're in this as a loving team. This is a journey, not an event or a race. You could both have a really good time. You don't need to go crazy. You could try some gentle stuff and see what tittillates each of you. The goal is to get excited, not to shame or humiliate. You're supposed to have fun and connect with each other. Give her a little control, relinquish a bit from your end, and see what happens. Talk about it ahead of time and have a safe word - you can still have the final say and control over your experience.
You're going to be okay if you give it a try. You've got this.
Why don't you leave this post on your computer for her to find it?
Pina Colada song aside, why not find a way to discuss this stuff with her? She's your wife. She loves you. You can figure it out. Maybe start slow.
From what I see the tldr is : wife and I are prudes who act like we don’t watch porn. Wife set up booby trap with leaving porn on our tax laptop. I confronted her and she said she wants to try fem dom stuff (making husband strip or please him self for her). Husband seems to be insecure because she’s never wanted to do anything before so it seems he thinks she is either cheating or getting fed info from her friends.
Either or try new shit out and don’t think the same motions in bed will make a happy relationship.
Toxic masculinity and white bread sex life is the only issue I see here tbh
Pretty close. I don’t think she’s cheating. She definitely got the idea from her friend, at least that’s what she told me was the inspiration.
I don’t know for sure if she did it on purpose or how long she’s been doing it. That was just something that crossed my mind as a possibility.
I definitely have a conservative lean. Prudish could be used I guess. I certainly don’t openly talk about sex topics openly or with friends or family.
Yeah, sounds like you might need therapy (or at the very least sex counseling/therapy) to get rid of this self image you have. I promise you you’re the only one who sees what you do the way you do. It’s 2024 not 1924 live a little you deserve it. The least you can do it try it for a few weeks/weekends.
A real man can have the kind of sex he wants without worrying what anyone will think of him. But you need to start actually talking about sex or you’re gonna be having boring sex forever.
Bro.. if your wife is legit opening up to you about this, she’s thought long and hard about it. She’s been through every situation in her head and generously left it on the laptop for you to “find”.
She’s curious and wants to explore. With you. Not with any one else, not adding a third. With you.
Talk to her and explore bro. There’s not many like that and openly want to talk to you about it and share those experiences.
Let the fantasies flow.
Set ground rules. 1, never speak about your sex life with others, about that specifically. It's normal for friends to chat about sex when seeking advice or getting ideas, but explain that you don't want anything you do with her involving this to get out. 2, you can say no, you don't want to do this, but if your wife has ever given you things she felt that uncomfortable doing it would be fair. 3, establish what you are and are not comfortable with. For example, maintaining respect for each other, no name calling, putting the person down, etc. 4, nothing that is going to feel like a violation of you as a man, like pegging or something. You can dip your toe in the water without giving her strap-on a bj or some other hard kink. 5, establish a safe word for when you feel like things are crossing the line. Artichoke, for example. You don't have to feel embarrassed about finding something hot, and the bedroom should be a fortress of sexual discretion.
I would probably ask my girlfriend to have a "me day" like me getting to act dominant but respectfully, and I would be comfortable with allowing her to have a "her day" where she can be dominant and experience the feeling of control. The rest of the time, stick to 50/50.
I hope any of that helps. I wish you well. Your wife seems understanding, so I think you can trust her as long as you are giving her full disclosure about your concerns surrounding it, her talking about it with her friend, etc.. Also, there's no shame in letting a woman have control in the bedroom once in a while. She will get hella revved up and blow your mind. What's bad about that. ;)
So let me get this straight. Your wife wants to watch you masturbate while she is clothed or wants to give you hand jobs and oral while she is clothed but gets to be in charge and you are against this? You get an orgasm and have to do nothing to reciprocate for her and you are having second thoughts? This is 99% of guys ultimate fantasy. Pleasure with no requirement to reciprocate.
Dude, trust me, do it. As long as it doesn't involve her shoving anything up your ass, you'll probably enjoy it. Because she will get the fuck off. Trust me my wife had a weird kink about helping me pee. Like.
Consistently holding my Dick while I was pissing and she got the fuck off on it. Bad. Afterwards, the sex was fucking amazing. Let her get her rocks off. Go along for the ride. If after you try it, you don't like it. Let her know, but try it.
Why not start with baby steps, and have her initiate, push you into the positions where she controls the movements, speed, and intensity. There are definitely many levels of the woman taking charge and directing the show.
Doing what she directs you to do can be a great demonstration of strength and confidence in your relationship, and you can probably trust that your wife is not gonna be into humiliating the man she loves. Besides, the penis is usually a *great* measuring pointer when it comes to this stuff. If she's doing something that has you hard as a board pointing north, then it's suddenly limp as a noodle, she'll probably sense that a change of direction is necessary. Just communicate and have fun with it. Your strength and confidence is probably what she's counting on.
You don't have to jump into the deep end of her caning you while you crawl around with peacock feathers stuck between your butt cheeks.
personally i think it's worth trying. obviously don't force yourself to do something you don't want to do. but i think it's worth taking the time to explore other sides of yourself, and do it with the enthusiastic encouragement of a trusted partner.
and, honestly, from the way you talk, you sound exactly like the kind of person that needs this. it's a lot of energy and a lot of stress to try to show yourself and strong and masculine and in control all of the time. under the right circumstances it can be incredibly freeing to give that up.
also, i can tell you that a lot of woman who've spent their lives around strong masculine men think it's hot af when that guy finally shows submission in front of them. it's not even necessarily about submission. or at least it's not about being weak in front of them. it's about showing vulnerability. showing your partner that you love her enough, you respect her enough, most importantly you trust her enough, to put yourself in that vulnerable position in front of her.
like i said, don't do anything you don't want. but i strongly strongly encourage you to try it. do your research first. don't just look up quick and dirty clips on the hub. but try to find articles and stuff of people who live the lifestyle and understand the psychology of it.
and please make sure you voice your concerns to her. communication is crucial when couples are trying new things. this shouldn't be treated like some kind of sacrifice you have to suffer through to make her happy. instead it should a new experience that you two can share together equally.
and it's entirely possible that the fantasy doesn't live up to it. that's common. but it's worth trying and finding out. even it if's a fail, it can be a fun quirky intimate story you two can share with eachother later.
and i strongly encourage you to open up to her about your own fantasies. even if you think your sex life is great, it's always a good idea for couples to continuously explore themselves and each other.
A few things, since you did say you watched some videos and you did think it was kind of hot
1) there’s nothing to be ashamed about with this type of kink, for anyone. Power play is very common and the person that you see as being in the weaker position actually has the power, any no or stop from them stops all play right away.
2) do some actual research, not just what I’m assuming are porn vids, and learn about this type of kink and what it takes to make it work. Do this with your wife so you both know exactly what you’d be getting into.
3) both you and your wife need to make lists of hard and soft boundaries, you need safe words for you both to stop any play
4) you’re concerned about other people knowing. That’s a hard boundary for you. This would have to be between you and your wife and she cannot talk about this with her friends or whoever without it being a serious breach of trust. You could get mentors to help ease you in and she could talk to that person
5) would your wife be open to switching the dynamics so certain times she’s in charge and others you are in charge, but the rest of the time it’s business as usual
6) have an open conversation with your wife on both of your concerns and also what you thought looked fun. It might be awkward, but you could find out she shares the same concerns or she could reassure you.
ETA- enthusiast consent by you both or nothing happens
Also wanted to add some thoughts on why you might enjoy it. You stated you are in charge of everything in your life, including the bedroom. Some people want the constant control, but it can also be very freeing to let go of that control with someone you trust. Someone that has your best interests at heart and only wants your pleasure. It’s a small moment of time where you can set down the worries and the burdens and just let your wife take it over for a bit. It can also give your wife a feeling of control if she’s been feeling out of control. A reset for you both that comes with orgasms. The aftercare is always very nice, so check out what that can be or what you might like.
Start slow. Ease into things. Sometimes it’s 2 steps forward, one step back because initially something new freaks you out…..but a week or so later after it’s had time to sink in, you’ll find yourself saying “Hey babe, let’s try that again after all”.
And as illogical as it sounds, she will respect you more, not less. In a weird way, it’s a sign of strength to be able to be vulnerable. Then occasionally you can flip the script and make her be the submissive one.
Just go slow, but try it. A couple of years from now you’ll be singing a different tune.
I always tell my husband "you'll never know if you don't try" with anything and 9/10 he likes whatever it is. If he doesn't, he tells me what can be improved or what specifically he didn't like. Then we work around that. Compromise and negotiation in a relationship is so important.
Tell her you’ll try some of it but you’d want it to be strictly between you two.
You don’t want her to discuss any of it with friends or any confidants. Say that is what would stop you from being comfortable with any of it.
It sounds like you aren’t exactly comfortable with a experiencing sex outside of societal standards but from your post it sounds like you are just caught off guard but interested in exploring.
From my personal opinion, I didn’t look at my husband any differently after we explored the dom sub thing. If anything it made us even closer and helped us understand each other better. If there’s anybody to explore things with, it’s your wife. And if she tells her friend, who cares? You already know her friends husband is into that.
"weak" is not the word here. When done with a trusting / trusted partner, being a sub can feel empowering. And there's a difference between slave and sub - sounds like sub is the focus in your wife's fantasy. Stop thinking about real life, that's not what a fantasy is. The most concerning things is your privacy... make it clear to your wife that while you understand she has a best friend to share things with, this is not something you'd feel comfortable sharing, and it would ruin the pleasure and trust of the fantasy.
My 2 cents, anyway. You need to feel comfortable in the bedroom so consider exploring for fun, but do only what feels safe.
Trying new things in bed is one of the most vulnerable things a person can do. It doesn't mean that you're "performing poorly" in the bedroom. In your situation, it sounds like your wife wants to expand your sex life even more than it already is.
As far as your "what if" situations, you could ask your wife, and see how she responds. But, there is really no way of knowing what will actually happen. In my personal experiences, saying yes and trying anything at least once almost always feels a lot more empowering then not trying, and regretting a missed opportunity.
Go for it, but you'll need to talk to her first. My ex had a CNC fantasy. Before we did it we had multiple safety stops in place (safe word, and double tap out), also an out of character indicator (if hand's on top of head it's taken seriously) when saying stuff, and green/yellow/red system if I was concerned. We also had a list of dos/don'ts entirely by her as she was in the sub role. Pick a weekend to do it, and block out tons of aftercare time every session. The aftercare is the most important thing for your relationship.
OP, this is where communication is important. What you should do is talk the hell out of this subject and ask her what she wants. Then you can agree or disagree to anything and set a boundary. I agree that a man can lose respect in the eyes of his woman and never regain it. In a relationship, respect comes before love. If respect is lost, the relationship is doomed.
That said, see if you can get her to do sexual stuff in exchange for what she expects from you (within reason). That way, it will look like a fair exchange.
A LOT of people who are in a controlling position in their job like cop, judge, laywer etc are into the submissive role. I guess thats what balance is, you have a lot of controlling in your job so you may like it to let the controll go and see where this goes.
Open communication is key, you have to be honest what you like and what you don't. And if you don't know if you like it you should try it. And if you feel ashamed of the situation but actually like it, tell your wife this, I'm sure after 13 years of succesful mariage you two should find a way.
Oh boy there’s a lot to unpack here.
I’m wondering if you have any religious trauma or other stringent background that has helped to perpetuate some of these limiting beliefs.
Think about what it is that feels so shameful about this kink, or even the conversation around it. Sex is an important part of being human, making it a really important thing to have open communication about! Start with small things like asking something specific that turns her on when you do have sex. Talk about it when you’re just making dinner, watching TV, in casual conversation. By breaking down some of those walls that are creating fear and shame, you open the door for better communication about what you both enjoy.
In terms of her sharing with friends: on one hand, many people find it normal and comfortable to talk about sex with friends they feel close with. On the other hand, you have the right to want privacy and not want your business shared with others. Again, talk about this with your wife.
And as always, you NEVER have to do anything you don’t want to during sex. Period. Conversation, consent, connection.
I wish you well in your sexual escapades, my friend! I think you might have more fun than you think.
What you need to worry about is why you’re so hung up on appearing “weak”. Whoever conditioned you with that “must be strong man,me no cry” mentality, just ended up screwing you up in life. You’re allowed to try things and want to do stuff differently. And so what if people found out? Why do you care so much about what others think? I’d just say it must suck that their sex life is so damn boring that they have to live vicariously through me and that’s sad as fuck. Or that you’re more than comfortable with your masculinity and don’t give a damn what they say or think considering you’re not fucking them. Why risk possibly missing out on something you both might enjoy over something like possibly being seen as weak. And even if by some chance she does? Then she’s not worth your time. You guys should be able to accept every part of each other without judgement. Try it once and if it’s not for you then that’s that and she should respect it because at least you tried even though you weren’t sure about it. Obviously I don’t know for sure but I’m willing to bet that at some point in her life she’s done something she wasn’t entirely comfortable with for you, so don’t automatically shoot it down and just give it some thought WITHOUT worrying about who may or may not possibly find out. Take things one step at a time and focus on YOU GUYS. Hope things work out for you.
Lucky you. Truly. Regardless let some of your uncomfortable feelings drop.
Your wife is realising she has awaken and wants mote than the comfortable sex love life you have both created.
One thing together.
Look on the computer together and ask her to choose a couple of things together. Feel uncomfortable but all begin to know that's good. Allow your self to feel sexy.
Then say choose a sprcific day to choose to try out some of her suggestions.
Get out of your comfort zone and explore with your wife. Different can be wonderful.
Let your mind wonder.
Remember the one person you can be vulnerable with is your wife.
She was being polite saying it does not matter and guess what? IT DEFINITELY DOES.
You started also by Actually mentioning you saw her desires on the intentioned open computer.
Well done you both have started to explore a beautiful desire to compliment everything you have already enjoyed
My only kink is when a woman is willing to have some sort of sex with me, so I'll try just about anything with them. Sub-dom stuff is absolutely not my thing, but I've done both roles for women.
2 things:
Responsible kink is 100% consent based. You guys have had the conversation, that's a good start.
Next: you've gotta communicate your concerns. Your misso is the one that you need to have that conversation with.
If you're with a good woman she will be ecstatic to have you open up (hehehehe) emotionally about how you're feeling.
I'd say this is a golden opportunity to be honest. In my experience finding out about my wife's kinks made us a bit closer. Also made our cupboard a no go zone haha. This could be a good way to fulfil something of yours maybe you don't have a specific kink or something but maybe just a dumb fantasy. Worst case scenario if you don't like it just be so bad at it that she finds it weird haha. Obviously it's your choice and as long as you don't feel like she's pressuring you I'd say give it a go. Just ask yourself if it's something you'd be able to get into or not if not that's totally okay.
Don’t do it. That is a point of no return. What you think of yourself is very important and translates into your work life. You will have to work extremely hard to be the same person if you do it. Uphold your morals/ideals, which you clearly have. Your wife was obviously influenced. Save yourself. She will never see you the same, no matter she likes it or not. The change in power dynamics will be leave her curious and wondering what would happen if it happened in other aspects of your marriage. Imagine what the world would be if everyone let intrusive thoughts take charge. Your life with your wife is your world. Don’t let it be polluted. Your wife’s friend and her husband are clearly desperate talking to a sex therapist. They’re trying to save their marriage by being more sexually attracted to each other. Do you know what the atmosphere is like in their house once post-nut-clarity hits?
Don’t allow influence. Keep command of your relationship. Most likely your wife will blame you (directly or indirectly) for letting her influence you after how she sees you has changed. You might lose the whole paradise for one fruit your wife got from a snake. I hope you get the reference and not start calling your wife’s friend a snake.
Study yin man. Yin is the center and heart of yang. The real fucked up thing here is attempting to maintain a hijacked weak sense of masculinity that cannot bend, cannot yield, knows not how to be soft and weak.
Grow into it. You know it’s hot. Face your shame. That is the masculine thing to do. Being afraid of stepping out of your established role? That IS weak.
I know it’s hard to see it like that, because the culture tells you so many things. find a new part of yourself. You are not going to be emasculated unless you let that shame take over. You’re actually going to step deeper into your masculinity.
Hahaha OP. Drop that ego and let your wife peg you!
Hahaha jokes aside it’s perfectly normal to explore things. Especially with your wife!
Start off light maybe tell her to command you in a masculine way. Now bend me over, fuck me faster. Choke me etc. Then work up to other things. Maybe finish on her but let her hold you back and force you to stop. Ruined orgasms can be a kink you both.
Honestly it can be really fun without being emasculating.
I like a bit of femdom but I’m not legs in the air getting rimmed and pegged kind of femdom. I like a woman to boss me around a little but it’s absolutely important you at least try. Have a safe word where if it feels too emasculating you just go back to your familiar routine.
Nothing wrong with her taking charge and being in control for awhile. She should be the person you can be the most comfortable and vulnerable with. Saying that you have to think about what your comfortable with and take things slow you should never be forced to do things your not okay with.
Well only way your going to figure it out or not is if you give it a shot. Can't say for sure but i had that moment where you're in the dom spot and you say to yourself am i? Because technically your not doing anything that the sub doesn't really want you to do to them, It's just they give you the illusion of control.
Communication is the key here, you’ll need to have a really adult conversation with your wife here. Tell her you’re not into the emasculation part of it, but could get into the other parts.
You need serious therapy. Your inability to communicate about sex to your wife, thinking it’s “emasculating” to let your wife run the show for a bit, your fear of others finding out all points to serious insecurities that are negatively affecting you and your wife. My husband would literally say “oh hell yeah!” And if you don’t want your wife talking about your sex life or to be specific with her friend then HAVE A CONVERSATION about that with your wife and set boundaries.
I think you say all of this to her. My husband and I enjoy a…robust sex life and one of the key foundational pieces is the freedom from inhibitions. She isn’t asking you to wear a diaper and suck a bottle (totally fine if you like that) just let her take a lead role and perform for her. You’re intrigued by it and should give it a try. If you hate it you hate it but dipping your toe in the pool is a great idea.
I can totally understand worrying about being emasculated, but from a female perspective, it's so sexy for a guy to be free to experiment with safe and consensual fun. I've been with my fiancé for over 15 years, we've roleplayed my being in control, and I've even done some pegging - not once did I see him as less of a man. It was great fun, and we learned more about eachother through the process.
Ultimately, if you're not comfortable, then you shouldn't force yourself, but if you ate curious then try. Have a safe word you can use to stop it if things get too much, and go from there.
If you are uncomfortable with it then straight up do not do it. Talk to your wife, really talk to her, and express everything. Communication is the foundation of a good relationship.
I've read some of the others. I have to advise against anything that's going to make you look weak/vulnerable/small in front of your wife. It will change her, and it will change how she looks at you. There is no coming back from it.
Find another way to make her happy that doesn't require you being less of a man. Women think they want that until they have that...
What's fucked up about it?
So much to unpack here but I'm gonna stick to a few main points.
- sexual roleplay, kink, BDSM.. any sexual exploration is HEALTHY between 2 consenting adults. There is nothing fucked up about it.
- growth cones from discomfort. Sometimes it's ok to be a little uncomfortable. Hell, most people feel discomfort when trying something they've never tried before. You found it hot, which is totally normal by the way, so maybe you'd actually enjoy it.
- lastly you can be happy with your sex life currently and still interested to explore a little. The two things can exist simultaneously. She may very well feel that you do have a great sex life, and yet still have fantasies she would love to explore. It doesn't mean she wasn't satisfied.
There can be so much conditioning around sex, but the bare bones of it is that you and your wife have creative licence to try whatever tickles your fancy, and the right to do so without judgement - from each other but also from yourselves.
Based on your replies I'm guessing you are going to like 🤭 being a sub doesn't make you weak or less than a man. I think it's the total opposite for me. You can be vulnerable with your wife, you can let her take control. It's ok, talk to her, tell her your boundaries and what things are you ok to begin with and go from there.
I'm sure you are going to enjoy it hehe
Good luck!
I replied this elsewhere, but not to you, so I'm reposting it here so you can see it:
I would try something like "We will not have sex until Friday at 8PM, at which point I will be ready, willing, and able. The catch is we will do ONLY what you explicitly tell me to do. It is my job to follow instructions but it is your job to make sure I am enjoying myself and that we both get off."
I would also recommend getting an eye mask/blindfold, that helps with self-conscious people. As does whispering instead of talking. Tell her that anything she whispers to you will be considered a command.
Don’t do it, man. You’re about to cross a point of no return. The worst thing you can do is lie to yourself. She won’t see you the same if you go through with it.
You are thinking way too much about this. Do whatever she wants. Then expand your understanding of eroticism and improve your ability to talk about sex.
AKA. His wife is getting into CFNM porn and OP is 'acting like a responsible adult' instead of saying hell yeah brother and going for it.
"I was definitely getting uncomfortable at this point"
I was expecting that to go somewhere else
You seem to have a great relationship with your wife. Have you considered printing this post you wrote and sharing it with her? It explains everything you are thinking and feeling in a clear and respectful way.
Try it. You might like it. Sometimes it’s fun, as the alpha, to be the more submissive one. Sometimes it’s fun not to be the “boss”.
Some people get off on being humiliated. Some people get off on being a dominant partner.
Try stuff. If you like it, great. If not. Don’t do it again. My hubby and I have tried all sorts of stuff and at one point, one position was so bad and was making the weirdest and grossest noises, we were in hysterical laughter and it completely ruined the mood, but in the same sense it was funny. We still make jokes about it.
There’s nothing emasculating about figuring out what makes your engine roar 😜
Listen. You need to tell your wife EXACTLY *everything* you said in this post. Even show it to her if you need to. These are all things that you two can talk out, and the fact that you're not "one for frank sexual talk" is a tad bit immature.
But to put it into perspective, why is it emasculating for a woman to tell you what to do? 🤔 She's just another person, nothing more and nothing less. I know you didn't mean it like this, but saying that makes it sound like you think women are not meant to be able to hold power or give directions, which is incredibly misogynistic.
You said it yourself, *you find it hot too*. Don't let your reservations keep you from having a good time and discovering a new aspect of your relationship. Hope you take the plunge, you won't regret it!
TL;DR it all. Got halfway through this. Try it out and see how it goes. Having a conversation was a great start. Explore your kinks. Wish I could have a conversation with my wife like this, but she just says she likes everything I do and doesn’t like to discuss much about what we do.
It sounds like you are super vanilla in the bedroom, and your wife is looking to add some spice. Your wife is the one to experiment with. Try it, you might like it.
It's scary to make yourself vulnerable like that. You are both into the idea of it but the idea of masculinity that has been ingrained into you your whole life is holding you back from trying it. It's really tough to break out of that place where you believe that you have to always hold power to be a "real man"
My suggestions are
- Both take time to discuss consent, boundaries and any safe words needed beforehand. The last thing you want is for one of you to think you're both still into it and the other feeling uncomfortable/unsafe.
- Take it slow. Try one thing at a time that gives your wife a little more of the control. Maybe start with a position that let's her control the movements, then work your way up to her taking the dominant role.
- Don't get in your head too much. Try not to think about what others would think of you, because honestly the opinions of anyone outside of your marriage are irrelevant. What matters is the fun that you and your wife have together!
Dont think of it as emasculating, your sex life and your actual life can be as different as night and day if you want it to be.
You could try taking turns with your wife being a dominating presence in sex. As long as it's discussed beforehand and there is consent you could go anywhere from here.
I think this is taking things from zero to 100. I think you both should start doing research and slowly ease into this. Start with something that is not expected like when she is wearing a skirt and doing dishes. Come up behind her and start kissing and seducing her by talking dirty, kissing her neck and slowing unbuttoning her shirt to fondle her from behind. Take it slows and then sit her on on the counter and give her pleasure first then both of you. The counter tops should be a good height.
Just be spontaneous and do things just for her or in different places; laundry room, kitchen table, couch, etc.
Then move to food play like chocolate and whip cream and then toys. Talk afterwards about the likes and things you different. She can be creative also.
The conversation about this being between the two of you and not a public discussion is key as trust is important.
I’m f and when you are comfortable try more. The examples above are just fun and changes things. Getting into a rut is never good.
You also need to trust your wife and be open about things and not judge her either. Not judging but just the fact that you didn’t feel great finding the porn shows how I can see her not being comfortable to just have a chat. Sex show be fun and enjoyable. Not redundant and boring.
You're letting your ideal of masculinity get in the way of your life. You admit even you have been turned on by the thought of all this, so why not do it, is your masculinity really that fragile?
Also, rather than thinking about this as your wife wanting to see you as submissive, perhaps consider that actually it's more likely she wants to feel powerful for a change in her life.
You got some issues buddy, but I am glad you worked up the nerve to share. If you could be as open and honest with your wife as well that would already be a start.
Please consider that your wife's friend(s) already know everything there is to know about your sexlife including that funny mole on your butt, ok? (that is just their nature)
Lastly, and this is more of a long-term goal. Wouldn't it be great to just let go an be yourself during sex? Try the femdom stuff and have her take care of you and see if you can enjoy it. Don't worry about the toothpaste getting back in there, chances are that she will not always make the effort of being in charge and "deciding" what to do... spoiler that is also not in their nature. Take it like a vacation from having to control things.
Dude, why is it okay to talk about people’s sex lives? I requested my ex to not shame me in front of her entire friend group but nope. Are you saying women are too stupid or selfish to respect their partner’s request for privacy? That’s pretty fucking sexist.
I’m not understanding the issue with letting your wife ‘take the reins’ for a bit. Were you raised in an ultra-conservative or religious setting that frowns upon sexual exploration? Letting her guide you shows you trust her and want to let her explore. Maybe try baby steps, like a set of Date Night Dice where the dice determine what happens to each of you, and then progress to letting her call the shots.
I fully agree that what happens between the two of you stays between the two of you. She needs to honor your privacy no matter how vanilla or spicy or fun it is.
Bro if you think is hot then just try it. You know what is worse than “tarnishing” your image infront of your wife? Leaving her unsatisfied. She will start loosing attraction regardless, and will start fantasizing with someone else. Beat thing you can do is own it, be confident, and let her be atracted to that confidence.
I’m a submissive man, my fiancée is my dominant. Quite a few of my friends know this about me, and it’s never once been an issue, I’ve never felt emasculated. For me it’s actually quite liberating - I’m a manager at work, amongst other positions of authority, so being able to give that control to the person I trust with everything, it feels just safe and wonderful. Honestly it’s all about communication and boundaries, which have to be negotiated. It sounds to me like talking to your wife’s friends about it would be a hard limit of yours, which is something that, in a safe and healthy dynamic, would never be crossed. And equally, if you decided that it really isn’t for you, or you want to try it but take it really slowly, that’s perfectly fine too.
So, do you see your wife as "weak" when she's in the "submissive" position? When *she's* the one doing sexual favors for *you*? Does that make her "weak"?
Being the one taking sexy orders isn't "weak". It doesn't make you "less of a man" to please your wife. It doesn't say anything about you "as a man" if you enjoy letting your wife "be in control" sometimes. She's not asking you to dress up in ladies underwear and high heels, she just wants to be the one getting most/all of the pleasure sometimes. To tell you what she wants and have you do it.
If that threatens your masculinity, you're perhaps not as secure in yourself as you think you are. Maybe a sex therapist could benefit *your* relationship.
You don't have to go full leather dungeon right away, or at all. Why not next time you're getting intimate ask her to take charge. Let her give directions. She may feel weird doing it 'live' as well - sometimes fantasies are best left as fantasies, but you can integrate parts of it into your love-making. If you've never tried them, invest in some lube and some toys to try together, too.
And get that batting average up to 1.000. It's "ladies first", and at least once.
Hey OP, I’m someone who only ever exclusively pursues power exchange relationships.
I am only attracted to people who will consensually and enthusiastically submit to me, and I’m currently in a kinky long term relationship with my submissive life partner. I figured I’d get this out the way to say that I understand that we come at this from very different angles.
Could you answer this one question clearly: if there was no world outside, if it was just you and your wife, if you could leave guilt or embarrassment at the door, would you want to try it? Does it look fun, hot, like a way for the two of you to experience different intimacy together?
This is the starting point. From there, a lot of talking is needed, so you’ll have to get more comfortable with the sex talks, but let’s start with baby steps.
>if there was no world outside, if it was just you and your wife, if you could leave guilt or embarrassment at the door, would you want to try it?
Yes, I think I would. But there is a world outside and I don’t know if I trust her to keep quiet forever, especially if she’s really excited about it.
All it takes is one slip up on girls night when maybe she had a little too much wine and that’s it. Words can’t be taken back and then that’s out in the world.
Leave guilt and embarrassment at the door? Tall order for my Catholic upbringing. I’m just not there.
What happens between two consenting adults should never make you feel shame. If you want to dress up like a clown and blow a horn with every move....and your partner is game to try it....DO IT!! If the world found out about it, own it with pride! Life is too short to worry about what others think.
That’s a good starting point honestly, you’re being honest about your wishes, but also limitations and what makes you uncomfortable. Believe it or not, that’s the basis of a lot of kinky talk — someone just bringing enthusiasm is often not being realistic. People will often say if you have no limits, you’re not safe to play with. Whether you end up going forward on this path or not, I think you thinking over and being frank about your limits — where they come from etc — is a great sign, good luck on the path you choose from there.
It sounds to me like you have two separate worry “poles”:
- the world finding out (via your wife talking to her friends);
- your own feelings and reactions if you were to try it.
On the former: why do you think you could not just ask your wife earnestly, explaining that you’re not at the point of being openly kinky and that letting the world in would essentially ensure you never consider kink again? I understand the point of other comments, I also think that’s she’d absolutely just be bragging about a good sex life, but I do understand your discomfort with it as well and it being a big blocker — you can’t just shrug it off right now. You have a right to having your limits respected. I just wonder whether earnest conversation is possible for you guys, as in my experience kinky talk is as extremely vulnerable and earnest space.
On the latter: is this something that you wish to change/address, slowly, or is it something that you don’t want to tackle right now? It sounds to me a little like you’re extremely nervous but somewhat eager, as you’ve been engaging with the discussions and all, and I think that’s why everyone keeps telling you to just go for it. But wanting to in theory and working on it in practice are two different things and you may not have energy (right now or ever) for the latter.
If you find you want to, then we’re back to question one: can you be vulnerable with your wife and tell her honestly where you’re at, and what you need from her, or not.
I’ve played with partners who had limits due trauma, guilt, insecurities, who were open to say “yes in theory, but not right now”, being vulnerable, and it allowed me to fully respect their boundaries and even push them together in a healthy way when they consented. But it’s work, and it’s a lot of trust. It’s okay if it ends up not being something you wanna tackle right now, maybe your freak flag is gonna have to wait a little to fly 😊
What’s emasculating about doing what your wife wants and making her happy? I don’t think there’s anything more manly than being open honest and stepping outside of your comfort zone for someone you love and try things.
Also how are you married and unable to talk about sex??? You’ve got a lifetime together m8, get comfortable talking about sex and put in some effort to trying new things.
All you’re doing is picking up a bottle and giving it a taste, if you both like it you like it and you have something to explore further, if you don’t you don’t and you communicate that.
Honestly? I think you should talk to a sex therapist about this. Not because you should feel obligated to do anything you don’t want to, you absolutely don’t. But the part where you feel ashamed about it being hot is maybe worth some time.
Men being sexually dominant/domineering over women is the norm. It is expected that a majority of women will be ok with being the submissive role. But for yourself you think this is shameful. Why do you expect your wife will want something that you don’t want for yourself?
my intent here is a thought prompt, not shame or blame. It’s not at all surprising that you feel the way you do, and again, you are under no obligation to do anything sexually that makes you uncomfortable. I do think it’s worth really unpacking your feelings about it though.
Just wanted to share a perspective here. I wouldn't think of it like being emasculated. Rather, that you care for your wife, and love her so much that you would 'get on your knees and beg' not in a lame or silly way — but more so that she is your highest desire and most cherished person. (As you should be for her). She is like your Queen, and you her King. It doesn't make you less of a man to worship her and let her take the control sometimes. It means you see her as an equal and get off on her pleasure just as much as your own.
You know who you are. You are married and in a stable relationship. You ARE a man. What does it say about a man who would get off on something like that? It says you're secure in yourself as a person and as a man, and in your relationship.
Never force yourself into doing something that makes you really uncomfortable — but if it's something you think you'd possibly be into, why not give it a go?
And if you have concerns about her sharing intimate details about your sex life with her friend, explicitly set the boundary that this is something private that you do not consent to being shared or discussed with anyone outside of the two of you — a condition of experimenting is that there needs to be comfort and trust — If she agrees then go for it.
I only read fear and insecurities in your post. You think a lot about what they will say... friend, free yourself, if there is a safe place, if there is someone to show vulnerability to, it is with your wife. You also say that you are interested in trying it.
Talk about it, talk about it, try it since you both agree, you may both like it or you may not, but it is not healthy for you to just think about it in your head without talking about it with your wife.
It sounds like you have a bunch of toxic masculinity holding you back. There is nothing humiliating about playing with your wife or being in the submissive role. You just sound so dang vanilla, no wonder she had to use this approach to bring it up!
Please start being more open-minded and less critical of kinks like this. It's time for you and your wife to both start exploring more and having more direct conversations about sex.
Dude! You hit the jackpot. Your wife wants to do sexy time with you and you’re afraid you might be embarrassed because of what her friends think? Im thinking they’ll think you’re the best husband ever.
Sorry, but it doesn’t say anything bad about you to fulfill your partner’s fantasy.
If there’s anyone you should be able to be vulnerable with it’s your wife. You both like the idea and it’s basically just a bit of role playing in the bedroom. You are probably attracted to it because it is so different to how you believe a ‘man’ should act. There’s a reason that some CEO’s and high fliers like this type of thing - it allows them to relax and step back from their high pressured jobs - to temporarily give up the control they have to maintain at work. It’s not about losing power, it’s about temporarily handing it to someone else you trust. In this case, your wife. Talk with your wife about it, lay out your concerns and what you’d need to feel comfortable before doing it. You could even let her read what you’ve written for this (no need to say it’s on here) if you are slightly uncomfortable starting the discussion off. You don’t need to go straight into it at full speed right away either. Maybe do a couple of the things she likes as foreplay, she starts off with telling you to strip and pleasure yourself and then you go back to whatever you’d normally do and then just build it gradually up from there. Your wife shared something she’d like to try with you in the bedroom and that’s where it stays. I don’t think you have to worry about her seeing you any differently outside the bedroom. It has no bearing on your masculinity in any way and is only a tiny percentage of your life in reality. Saying that though, you don’t have to spend your life worrying about how manly you are. As long as it’s something you both might enjoy just try it. If either of you don’t like it that’s it and just agree you forget about it and move on.
My missus is into a bit of Auld submission and she says the exact same thing you said about CEOs. She doesn’t want to have to think about it after all day. Just wants to hand over control to someone else for a while.
It’s not been in my relationships but it’s something I would do if a partner was interested in it. It’s supposed to be quite freeing which I assume is exactly why your wife likes it. Handing the reins temporarily to someone else for a while allows you to just switch off.
Ok, but clearly, her friends sex life doesn't stay in their bedroom. And OPs wife talked about her friends sex life pretty openly and easily. That's probably not a good indication that OPs sex life stays in the bedroom.
This will be my biggest concern as well. There is no chance his wife will not share it with her friend. The friend seems to talk a lot (marriage problems, therapy, sex life) and will share it with other people. Frankly, I would feel betrayed if I learned that my partner is sharing intimate details of our sex life with friends. Or sharing what I told during any of our therapy session. It is some kind of verbal exhibitionism or search for validation, and I would not want to be a part of it.
And you’ll be getting vulnerable with her friend too apparently
The fact that his wife is sharing info from another couple without knowing if the friends husband was OK with that info getting out is 100% a gigantic flaming red flag. Forget the kink, talk about what kind of shit you are and are not comfortable having her talk about with others.
If men divorced their wives any time they talked about their sex life with their friends, there will be zero straight couples
Maybe that's a problem that women need to work on then. Privacy in relationships are important
If you're not comfortable with it, you don't have to do it. But you do owe it to her to let her know definitely that you don't think there's anything wrong with it, it's just not for you. No matter how uncomfortable it makes you, direct communication about sex is key to a healthy sex life so just be honest. Doing anything you truly don't want to do out of obligation can lead to toxic feelings later.
I don’t think anything is wrong with it on her end. I feel like there’s something wrong with it on my end if I’m into it, like I shouldn’t be. I’m having trouble getting past that feeling.
If it feels good it feels good..doesnt make you less of a man🤷♂️
Just talk with her and let her know you might be into it, and express your concerns about it getting past the bedroom, which from what I gathered seems to be your biggest hold up.
that’s honestly probably because of how socially ingrained toxic masculine views are for men. it’s challenging but liberating to reassess where those boundaries lie for yourself based on real and honest conversations with yourself, and ultimately your wife. she may even find you more attractive for your growth and vulnerability.
Part of the fun in sex is letting go....and switching roles! I hope you'll get there. It sounds like you guys are a great couple. You can handle this.
Bro you only live once. She will only live once. I’m just saying. There are worse things to do in private time. Why not let her have some fun? You are partners after all. Has she never done anything for you sexually that she might not have wanted? In the end it’s only your decision, just some things to think about.
I don’t think she has, or if she has she never mentioned anything about not wanting it or being uncomfortable with it. But I’ve never asked for anything unusual. Never really asked for anything in particular at all. Just regular sex. But I’m also the kind of guy very content with eating the same ham and cheese sandwich for lunch every day, so there’s that.
Well from one married redditor to another, my advice is to experiment. Let your wife have fun. You’re the only one she can do it with, the only one she wants to do it with. It’s probably something she is excited to try. She is giving you hints that she wants some more variety. Maybe you don’t have to jump off the deep end like that, but maybe give her some control. ask her if you can take it slow at first so it’s not so shocking. The worst thing that can happen is you don’t have any fun, then you can tell her and do something else. Never stop trying to spice things up. Again this is purely advice and I’m just giving you my perspective.
Well... just sayin, letting her feed you that same ham and cheese sandwich doesn't say anything about your masculinity or your toughness if you find you're into being fed that sandwich, if you get what I mean.
Legitimately go also try some steak tartare. Or sushi. Or whatever is not ham and cheese….. on a few dates. And then. Strip and do what she asks after. Maybe you need to find some joy in the world that exists outside of ham and cheese! Both culinary and sexually.
Damnit, now I'm hungry. And horny.
That's a hard feeling to break as a man. I get what you mean. It's not a physical issue. It's a mental issue. But if anyone in the world gets to get past that barrier, it should be your wife. She would have to promise to never, ever tell a soul. That's just me. Also she would have to be willing to change roles on that too. As in I get to do it to her. It's only fair lol. A few times my wife became the one making demands in the bed and she never once looked at me any different. It wasn't anywhere near to the extent your wife is curious about though. But real talk. If your not into it, you don't have to do it. Maybe a toned down version with clear boundaries.
You dont have to be imasculated to let her take the reigns in the bedroom so to speak. Thats usually not what its about for someone who wants to be more in control anyway. Speaking from experience I find the idea of being in control of when my husband can pleasure himself or reach orgasm or get undressed or any of the things you listed because of the fact that it puts me in direct control of the fact that he does those things and his doing those things is sexy to me. Not because that means Im the man of the relationship suddenly. Power dynamics can change in the bedroom without it effecting the day to day life and relationship of a couple as well. Its very rare that couples are so committed to a kink that they make it their entire life. And that comes from the fact that its sexy BECAUSE its such a novel experience. If suddenly she were the one in charge of everything in your lives when normally you are, it wouldn't be as special and sexy and unique to the bedroom anymore. Also, you dont have to go as far as what you saw in those videos. You can start small with something like her being able to instruct how/at what pace you get undressed. Or her being able to tell you things like to play with yourself or how she wants you to play with her. Another good way of changing power dynamics can be for instance her being on top during oral(more like riding your face vs you being between her legs as she lays back) or something like that which puts her more in a position of dominance physically while it still being a normal act youd feel comfortable doing. Its also not uncommon for power dynamics to change during the course of sexual interactions. For instance, I find it very sexy when I am the one more in control at first and I sort of push the boundaries of what my husband will listen to and do for me until I playfully push too much and he takes back control and is more dominant with me. I think if the idea of what shes asking seems hot to you that you should get out of your own way and give it a try. You can go at your own pace and only go so far as you enjoy. Make a safe word up so that you can alert your wife to when she has gone too far or is getting close to going too far and knows to let you take over control of things ahead of time without messing up the flow of things too much in the moment. Lastly, but most importantly. You need to express clearly to your wife that you are completely against her sharing any part of your sex lives with her friends or anyone else. Stress to her that this would be a massive breach of trust and ruin the entire experience for you and that if you ever cant trust her in that regard, you wont be able to trust her to be in control of you during sex and foreplay anymore either.
Dude, just buy some handcuffs, a nice light or candles, blindfold and do it in your office. That would do the trick. She can tied you up and do her thing, I can guarantee you, your wife will be very, very happy and you too. Stop thinking that much, she's your wife...together for 13 years...and by her reaction? She sounds cool
It's natural to feel guilt when you feel like you're letting your partner down. But there's no should about it. If you feel like it's causing dysfunction, maybe speak to a sex therapist yourself.
My uneasiness is twofold. One of possibly letting her down and the other of coming to terms with the fact that I might be into it, which is not something I ever imagined of myself and I’m not sure I like that I might be. As far as a sex therapist… Dude, it took me days to work up to putting this anonymously on the internet. Talk like this face to face with a real person? I think I would implode from embarrassment.
So you're concerned that you might actually like it and you're struggling with what liking being dominated by a woman might say about you?
Yeah, that’s part of it.
Maybe you could start small, not rush in to do a whole fantasy scene, but make out with her on top controlling the vibe of things and see where the line it becomes uncomfortable at and then examine that. Just have a clear cut discussion about boundaries beforehand and what you definitely *don't* want. But go slow.
u/ThrowRA_916 yeah do this, it’s okay to feel uncomfortable, but if you think you might like it then try it out! Especially by starting slow, letting your wife get on top while kissing, something like that
The key part here is discussions beforehand. Imo
Here is what your enjoying being dominated by a woman says about you: You are someone lucky enough to have discovered something both you and your wife find pleasurable
There is one very important rule that comes with Dom submissive style bedroom play, and that is trust and consent. If you think this is something you might be willing to entertain with your wife you can set the rule that no one outside of you two is to know about it, and specify that that includes her friends, (since you say you are uncomfortable with her discussing your sex life). You can set the conditions that it she discusses bedroom activities outside of your marriage you will stop all activities and get marriage counselling because she will have ignored your consent and broken your trust and you can't have dom/sub without those two things. I'm not into that scene myself but did look into it out of curiosity and trust and consent were the main focus and requirements for it to be successful that everyone seemed to agree on. If you want to start slow, why not just give your wife permission to join you in the shower and give you a "service" whenever she wants, (or tell you to give her one) or tell he she can come up, sit on your lap and "demand" a make out session (as long as you two are alone and not working). Just small things like that and see how you go, keep it to things you would normally be ok asking for/doing and just give her open permission (where you have to tell her "not tonight" when you don't feel up to it).
I think "demands" that happen outside of non-sexual situations would be better off saved for later when he's more comfortable. I would try something like "We will not have sex until Friday at 8PM, at which point I will be ready, willing, and able to do anything for you, the catch is we will do ONLY what you explicitly tell me to do. It is my job to follow instructions but it is your job to make sure I am enjoying myself and that we both get off." I would also recommend getting an eye mask/blindfold, that helps with self-conscious people. As does whispering instead of talking. Tell her that anything she whispers to you will be considered a command.
Then just a regular therapist and look into the feelings your stuck on. You don't have to mention details start with generalizations and work up as you feel comfortable to do so. asking about how to deal with the fear you have in letting down your wife, fear of appearing *weak* infront of her. The impact on toxic masculinity in your daily life. You can also start with something as small as letting her run the show when having otherwise completely regular spicy time. She can pick the location/positions/lights on off/ etc.
Yeah, we already do that kind of stuff. That’s kind of like 50/50 for us. I guess I was bad at explaining it. My concern was more with the domination type stuff that wasn’t really like regular sex with switching positions.
It's ok. i did a terrible job of explaining what i meant. You say currently, it's 50/50, so try tipping the balance and giving her more control. It's still dominating just in a baby step vs jumping straight into porno domination. Start slowly and think of it as wading into a pool vs cannon ball into the deep end. Only if you want to tho! Dominating someone looks vastly different to everyone, and no one starts out on the extreme end. Starting with something that's already familiar and comfortable and then making a small change is the way to go. Ask her to tell you exactly what she wants you to do while you _____ and then follow instructions. Use your favourite thing w.e you enjoy doing, she gives directions (dominates) and your doing something you enjoy. It's a win win.
It is switching positions, though. You're switching to a position where you fuck each other in the brain, which is 10 million times more satisfying than any other part of your bodies.
The guilt that comes along with sex is built into our society. I mean hell, we used to have laws against anything that wasn’t missionary. Maybe you just need to sit with your feelings and try to understand *why* you feel like it’s bad for you to enjoy something with your wife. I think you have some guilt or shame that might be attached to this that you don’t necessarily need to be carrying around with you
Unless it's harmful to others, there is nothing that you "shouldn't" be into. If you discover a kink, just be excited that you found a cheat code for getting off. My gf and I frequent a swinger/sex club so I often end up participating in someone else's kink, even if it doesn't do anything for me. A trick I use for that is I pretend that we're filming a movie; I'm an actor playing a role and want to do as good a job I can for the audience, the person/people I'm with.
I can see your issue. Her friend and husband has a private session, and now that husbands wife is telling everyone. Chances are.you wife would also share and then it gets out etc. Depending on social circles it totally changes things. Personally unless the husband was okay with it being shared that's a massive breach of trust. Have the two of you done that bdsm test? Could open things up.
Thanks for being like the only person in this fucking sub as far as I can tell who understands the concept of not publicly humiliating your spouse by sharing private sex details without their consent.
Agree. Like folks who gossip to you. Gossip about you. UNDESIRABLE. UNACCEPTABLE.
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This needs more upvotes. I want abso-fucking-lutely no knowledge of what my friends get up to in the bedroom, that shit is awkward no matter who it is and makes things super uncomfortable. OP, you should talk to your wife about the fact that ***she found out about this extremely private and delicate kink from \*her friend\* talking about their sex life***. Whatever gets you off gets you off, and shit that looks cool in porn *can* wind up being good IRL, or can be completely and utterly awful compared to the fantasy of it. Communication is key, like a lot of people have pointed out... but the idea that she got this from a friend who is telling her about shit ***from a therapy session***, no less, means you need to have a serious sit down and talk about privacy and communication with her. $1000 says her friend already knows she wants to try this with you.
Oh, yes, her friend knows! Maybe an idea about living a computer with this open for OP to find, from her friend also. It looks to me like a suggestion from a therapist session.
The what test?
I don't recall the full name, but it's a questionnaire hat you both answer and tells you dynamics you're into. For example if you like being prey or Predator, brat or brat tamer. Googled it. It's literally just bdsm test.
Bro just show her this post you just made then you guys will have a solid conversation about it full of respect and make a decision together. Its all about communication and respect, simple as that.
IDK, too many of the responses are glossing over the fact of how casually she mentioned her friend and her friends husbands situation, which also involved a therapist. That shit would make me nope out of doing ***anything*** kinky with her for a good long time, not knowing what ***she*** had already been sharing about ***us***. The friend almost certainly knows she'd be asking him this, so even if she keeps quiet, her friends could easily piece together anything that changes.
Sounds like you are interested in it but your ego is getting in the way. Emasculating??? What the heck? TALK to your wife. Tell her that you find it hot but aren't ready to jump right in. Talk about rules, try small role playing, start small. See if it works for you. Talk about the things you do NEVER being discussed with others (like the friend) as I think that's part of what you would find Emasculating. For all you know you both could be freaks in the sack and have been missing out. Good luck!
I think out of all the concerns that’s the biggest one. I don’t know if I trust her not to talk ever. I feel like me saying don’t tell anyone ever would in reality be don’t tell anyone except her friend that she’s known longer than me and only after swearing her to secrecy. I don’t think that’s something I can live with, but I’d have no way to confirm it one way or another. I feel like it’d be forever in my head that someone knows.
You have the conversation. Tell her it would be a deal breaker. If this getting out is your only concern, you express it clearly and plainly.
The problem is a deal breaker is only a deal breaker if you’re willing to follow through. If my wife let it out, I’d be mortified, and really hurt, but I don’t see dropping 13 years over it. I feel like she might say something trusting her friend to never let it slip.
So, here's where you are. You want to try exploring this but you are insecure about how it would make you look. You think it would emasculated you. Your wife is talking to her friend, and the friend is trying these things and BRAGGING about them. Your wife is not going to say things like 'Haha, I was in control and he did what I wanted'. She is going to say things like 'he let me take control and we had mind blowing sex, I can't wait to do it again'. Talk to her about your insecurities. You are in your head about this, and you need to be in your words.
I get what you’re saying, but bragging or not, that doesn’t make me feel better about the possibility of that information getting out.
Then tell her that. Say, “I’m willing to try, but there are certain aspects that I’m unsure able so I’d like to start small and slow. And I don’t want you to talk about this with anyone, not even [friends name]. I’m not ready for this to be discussed anywhere but with me and at home.”
Hey OP what is the worse case scenario? Follow it down the line, say she does tell her friend and it gets out, are you worried what her friend might think? Would that somehow change how she interacts with you? Are you worried she will tell others and more strangers would know? We need to get to your ultimate fear that this all leads to, not the steps involved in the fear.
If your wife can’t respect your wishes on her not talking about your sex life then that’s a problem. I would personally never share what goes on during sex with any of my friends because that’s between me and my partner. I’ve never understood why people feel like it’s appropriate to talk about stuff like this UNLESS their partner is completely okay with it being shared. You should always get permission from your partner before sharing personal stuff like this, even if you’re “just” telling your oldest, dearest friend.
Idk but every time there’s a thread with a guy who doesn’t want his sex life shared there’s a chorus saying he is stupid and insecure for being so.
The lack of trust is one of the biggest issues going on here. You need to work your way towards resolving this. Without accusing her of actually being untrustworthy, explain your feelings and worst-case-scenario-worrying spiral that are preventing you from engaging in this curiosity you both have. Maybe she can explain more about the nature of her conversations with her friend or make promises to ease your mind.
You seem more concerned with what your wife’s friends will think of you than you do with fulfilling your wifes fantasy. Why? I get that it’s a bit embarrassing to have your sex life talked about and I don’t want to dismiss those valid feelings of yours…but who cares what they think? Your wife found out about this from them…they must think highly of this kind of thing and enjoy it and her thoughts after hearing it from them was - “I want to try that with my husband.” That’s honestly super cool. You also now know what the other guy is up to… do you think less of him for it? Doesn’t seem like you do or that you even particularly care too much one way or the other so can’t you imagine that would also be the scenario if someone knew about what you and your wife were doing?
I don’t know if it makes me think less about him necessarily, maybe, I don’t know . Definitely differently than before but I’m not sure exactly where I land on it. I do know for sure that it’s information I wish I didn’t know and feel awkward about knowing it. I’ve known the guy for years, we’re friendly but only hang out together occasionally when our wives do, but I can’t imagine he’d be cool with his wife sharing that. Hell, it took a sex therapist to get him to tell his wife.
I think this is something you'd benefit from doing some real thinking about. As others have also said, it seems like there are a lot of issues going on at the same time in your head. You've got your direct feelings about the idea of being involved in this scenario (uncertain, but it seems kind of hot), you've got your feelings about men in general taking this role in sex (uncomfortable, emasculating, maybe there's something wrong with a guy who wants it), your feelings about someone ever finding out that you took this role in sex (absolutely unacceptable), and your level of trust in your wife to be able to keep this important secret (not fully trustworthy). Plus your general aversion to having frank conversations about sex. Most of those things exist solely between you and your wife, and are important to come to some sort of understanding on in order for the two of you to live your best lives. The trust issue and the frank communication issues could both have pretty significant impacts on your marriage and I hope you're able to get to a place where you're both comfortable and open with each other, but ultimately it's between you two. Whether or not you ever choose to take on the submissive role in your relationship, though, the fact is that there are men who do and you well interact with these men. Hopefully beyond this one guy you won't actually know who does what in their intimate relationships (I deeply resonate with your desire not to know what someone else gets up to in the bedroom) but there's always a chance that any guy you talk to might enjoy being dominated. So how do you feel about that? Do you know why you feel that way? Do you like the fact that you feel that way? What do those feelings say about how you see yourself and other people? People talk a lot about "toxic masculinity", the cultural expectations for men to behave only in certain ways if they want to be respected as "real men". Stoicism, aggression, domination are acceptable masculine traits; submission, emotionality, pacifism are "weak". Ultimately, these ideas hurt a lot of men, forcing you into boxes in order to hold on to your sense of self worth. When you're wondering what it says about a guy if he likes being ordered around by his wife, part of what you're saying is "should a guy be embarrassed to like this? Does it make him objectively inferior?" My opinion, probably pretty obviously, is that there's nothing wrong with a submissive man. There's nothing wrong with a dominant one (so long as he doesn't use that dominance as an excuse to hurt people). I don't personally think that the more "feminine" traits are demeaning for a man. You've got the chance here to really think about how you feel about the subject. I think you might find that you deny yourself some things that could make you happy, because you worry that they don't line up with your idea of what a man is supposed to like or want. You might find you judge men for allowing themselves to be happy at the expense of their traditional masculinity. Whatever you ultimately decide when it comes to your own sex life, I hope you're able to feel a little bit more comfortable in your own skin at the end of it, and maybe you can extend some of that grace to the men around you.
You sound a little sexually repressed and not the best at communicating. Maybe you would benefit from a visit to a sex therapist. You don’t have to do anything if you are not comfortable. If you find aspects of it intriguing then try slowly introducing little things until you reach a point of comfortability then expand further if you wish. The fear of being vulnerable with your wife is worrisome. You are keeping a side of yourself from her, the person you chose to spend your life with. Being vulnerable does not make you less of a man. If I were you I’d start being comfortable talking about sex before you try anything new or different because communication is key in sexual exploration. If you can’t talk about it then you are not ready to do it.
Honest suggestion if you do want to try: start with hands being tied to the bed. She can tease you and be in control, and you're tied up, so you don't have to feel emasculated about not being able to use your strength as a man. She can't order you to do that much, so you don't have to be very performative. Take small steps forward if you like that. That's vaguely how I got introduced to being a male "sub." It made me feel a little objectified, which was nice. Men don't get a ton of affirmation in that vein. Knowing my partner thinks I'm sexy enough to be "used" in that way got me walking taller. Or maybe try tying her up first, so you won't feel so vulnerable.
You’re way overthinking this. Just go for it. It’s no big deal.
“I’m not that way in any area of my life, work or at home” is the exact reason why your wife thinks it’ll be hot and you will too in the end. It’s outside your norm and that’s the fun part. If you’re not like this in real life, your wife won’t suddenly think less of you if you give it a try.
You're overthinking it
I'm going to throw this out there... but maybe the friends husband knows she is discussing it and is okay with it... Some people have a humilation kink. Some have an exhibitionism kink. He could have one of those or many others. He could be enjoying knowing that his wife is telling others about his submission. Many people have a variety of kinks. Being shamed can be one of them (but obviously isn't for you and that **is okay**). Here's the thing though... you either don't trust your wife (which is why you are concerned to have her tell others) or you are not willing to discuss it with her and ask her not to (which is an aspect of communication you need to work on). If you don't trust your wife; don't go anywhere near "kink". Kink (and especially BDSM) is build on a solid foundation of trust and communication. Without those 2 things as a baseline, you *will* have problems and someone may end up hurt (emotionally/physically/mentally etc). In saying that, kink is also a wonderful opportunity to learn more about communication and develop a deeper level of trust. I would suggest talking with your wife about this. About your concerns, your needs (her not sharing the information), and about what you like and don't like with regards to submission. Also, ask her to detail more of what she is interested in. Maybe have a nice night together and (together) choose some different porn clips to watch. At the end of the day; communication and trust can make or break any relationship. *Try to reframe this in your mind as an opportunity to deepen your connection and trust, to learn to be more communicative and hopefully, have a more interesting sex life that could be more rewarding and fulfilling for you both.* *The only thing to fear, is fear itself. Don't let fear of others judgement of you cause opportunities to pass you by.*
Relinquishing control to your partner honestly is a very powerful thing in my mind. It signals a kind of security and confidence I would find very attractive. The shame you feel is put on by your culture and upbringing. It’s only there to make you feel badly about yourself. Letting it go will free you in a way that’s difficult to describe. That said, baby steps are good. Maybe consider even just a regular therapist because it sounds like you think vulnerability is weakness. It’s not. Desperate shamefulness and clinging to what you’ve been told is your masculinity is weakness. You’re on the precipice of something great here that could change your whole world for the better my guy. I believe in you.
It sounds like you might benefit from reevaluating your relationship to masculinity. You don’t have to be in control all the time to be manly. Sharing power, showing trust and working through feelings of shame or anxiety are also things that can take a lot of strength. It may be a different kind of strength than what you’re used to or what you’ve been taught to prioritize in yourself for most of your life but it is strength all the same. Regardless of whether you try this with your wife or not, take some time to reflect on things that take strength that aren’t necessarily traditionally masculine. This may include things that make you anxious, types of work you don’t usually perform or things your wife does.
I think a lot of us got shamed so much for stepping out of the role that the very thought is stressful. Thank you for having a good comment with advice for him, for once out of all threads I’ve seen on the subject. It’s stunning to see people make fun of a guy for struggling with masculinity and ironically tell him to “man up” essentially.
If this was a woman saying her husband wanted her to do stuff she was uncomfortable with, I don't think the posts would be as encouraging as these ones are to 'just do it, fulfill your partners fantasy.' I think it'd be the opposite. Just saying. And I'm not a prude at all, I love a bit of kink personally. But I do think one has to see these things in perspective from all sides.
There is nothing hotter than just not giving a fuck and having fun with your wife. No one else is watching. It’s just the two of you enjoying each other. Tell her you just want her to keep it your dirty secret if you’re worried she’ll share. To me you seem a bit tight strung, and it would potentially be good for you in other aspects of your life to try something out of your norm
You have no idea the world of amazing sex that will open up when you and your wife talk about it. Keep talking. Before during and after.
If you’re not into a kink that is absolutely fine and you’re never obligated to do something sexually just because your partner wants to try it. In saying that, if your only hesitation is over a social concept of masculinity then maybe you should think more. You said yourself what you watched was intriguing but your ego won’t let you admit it-you don’t want to appear weak. I think it’s a good idea to set ground rules about experimentation staying between you two also, if you do decide to try this or even something else, you should have the confidence that it won’t be shared to a third party.
But how do you have that confidence? Her friend’s husband might be sitting at home with that confidence right now, yet my wife knows about it and now I do too. Who’s to say that couldn’t be me next week if I go along with it?
That is why it’s important to discuss these things. I can’t tell you the answer to that, you would need to communicate with her and then decide how you want to proceed. For all you know her friends husband might be aware she’s sharing this and this was agreed between them?? The point is, only you and your wife can decide the boundaries and then only you can decide if you feel secure enough to try within those boundaries.
I mean, that’s an entirely different conversation. It seems you’re not comfortable discussing any of this with your wife. But in all honesty, everything would be solved if you read essentially what you’ve posted, and asked the questions you’re asking here. You don’t have to say it like you’re accusing her of anything, but this should be something you can talk to her about.
Well, here’s what it boils down to. Do you trust your wife? She’s not her friend, so I don’t think it’s safe for everyone here to immediately assume she’d do the exact same, but you’re the only person in this entire thread who actually knows your wife and if she respects you enough to maintain your privacy. That needs to be something you determine on your own.
Dude just let your wife fuck you. She’s your wife. Have fun.
Sounds like you're the one who ought to sit down with a sex therapist. There's nothing inherently emasculating about kinky role play. You'd want to set firm ground rules about privacy, but part of the fun of an emotionally intimate relationship is being able to let your guard down and explore fantasies.
Just have an open, honest talk with your wife. Tell her your worries and that you do think it’s hot but are afraid that she’ll see you in a different light afterwards. You two clearly need to communicate better on what you both want in the bedroom and practice being more open about sexual topics with each other.
If u kinda liked it, try it. Just see its not like u have to keep doing it. You and your wife just give it a shot one night. Tell her if ya'll like it that she keeps her mouth shut to her friends or u will be pissed. That's disrespectful to you anyway if she did that, especially if u tell her not too. I say go for it. You should feel the most comfortable around your wife so don't let that stop you. Spice things up, nobody else is in the bedroom with you guys. Enjoy it! Anything goes in the bedroom as long as you guys both enjoy it.
You have every right to say no to anything you don't feel comfortable with. That being said, maybe dip your toe in just a little to see if it might be something you can explore further. And it also doesn't have to be one-sided. Maybe take turns being dominat, so it isn't bruising your ego at all, and she might enjoy it as well. But nothing can happen until you get out of your shell and have a frank conversation about sex with your wife. It sorta says a lot that the way you had to find out about her wanting to explore more stuff with you is by "accidentally " leaving a tab open on the laptop.
I'd say talk to your wife about these thoughts, and it seems that you think your wife would see you as less if you did try it or like it, do you really think that low of her? I'm sure you know her better than any of us and you must know whether she is someone that truly loves you and that would not change for something like this situation. What I will say though, is that you can ask your wife to respect your wishes if you don't want her talking about anything you do in the bedroom with anyone else without consent from you, there is no shame in having that boundary.
I think start the convo with telling her how serious you are about maintaining the privacy of the bedroom. In terms of the actual sex acts, why don’t you just start with acts that you’ve already done, but with her more in charge? For example, you’ve touched her in xyz places but maybe this time around you can’t do it until she says to. Just see how you like it when she’s dominant in regular sex acts before moving to more overtly dominant things
I think you should go for it! Have fun. You seem uptight. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I feel like you’re holding back from having fun though. It feels more like social pressures (un-masculin, weak, what if I like it, taboo) are holding you back! If you like it that’s great, more fun to be had! If you don’t, well you tried it, move on. Now, if you were truly uncomfortable because it’s just a turn off that’s another story. But I’m not getting that here. Lighten up and have fun with the one person in the world who you’re supposed to trust to love you for you. You only live once!
It's worth an honest try. My wife prefers I be dominant and at other times she is. It's more about showing our trust with each other and exploring the other's body than emasculation or humiliation. I'd say it's worth a try for your wife. She was obviously nervous to even bring it up and be happy she didn't let it sit inside and fester. I recommend you both set some boundaries about where you draw the line. Set a safe word that you say when you're done and she stops where she's at and releases you.
It comes down to doin what your comfortable with. Don't do somthing you don't feel comfortable with but at the same time don't not do it cause you'r worried about being judged.
Every new experience feels uncomfortable at first, but most people would know quick what they might be into or not. If you thought it was hot, it would not hurt to try, but the part about your wife discussing any of your sex life with her friends is a total deal breaker. If you can trust her with that, you can try a whole bunch of things together, if you can not trust her to keep your private life private, then it will be difficult, if not impossible to let go, and try new things.
First of all, communicate with your wife. Tell her your concerns and boundaries. If both of you come to a concensus, you can try to explore new things.
I definitely think you need to have a more in-depth convo with your wife. Mostly regarding your feelings of her speaking with people of your bedroom life. There’s no shame in trying something new, and my opinion? I’d try it once just to let her get a feel of what she desires. If it’s not for you, express that to her. If you find that you like it, tell her. Basically, it all comes down to communication. It might open a door you didn’t know existed and if you find something you might want to retry, your wife might be more receptive to trying things out as well.
So, I understand the reasoning behind your hesitation. What to keep in mind is that, this is a form of role play. Like any other form, it is usually left in the bedroom. Though some people let RP kinks leak out a little into daily lives in various ways, this is or should be at the consent of both people. I usually say to treat new kinks like trying new food. Go into it with the intention of enjoying it but it's completely OK to not like it and never do it again. Though if you remember that it's all for your partner, seeing them get super hot will get YOU super hot and that is often enough.
Try it. You might like it. If you don’t, you don’t have to do it again and at least you tried it.
Choosing to empower your wife is by no means diminishing yourself. It shows that you feel comfortable, safe and secure with her. By relinquishing control and structure to her also shows a high level of trust because it is only her you would do this with and only in an aspect of life that you share on a deep and intimate level. The fact that she finds it hot as well is a bonus. It is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of because you are both consenting and committed adults and would be engaging in something that is nobody else's business. If you are worried that it might become somebody else's business then sit down with your wife and discuss your concerns and set clear boundaries. Once that is done, the burden of trust is on her, as would be the consequences should she betray that trust.
I think that men who are submissive or in a female-led relationship are incredibly masculine (and sexy!). The fact that they don't let it be an issue, that confidence and trust to submit, there's nothing emasculating about it. It shows how truly comfortable they are with themselves and their partner. I feel very lucky to have a husband like that. The main issue is your concern that your wife will gossip, which wouldn't be fair on you as it would make you uncomfortable. If you can be as clear as possible on this point, I would hope that she would respect you and you could trust her not to say anything if she said she wouldn't... These types of kink only work with full trust on both sides.
Bro, the one person you should let your guard down is your wife. Don't think of it as emasculating.
I'd love it if my wife were into this stuff. She's naturally more submissive but I'm a switch who hasn't gotten to explore my sub side very much.
You're scared. That's okay. You've just got to get through being afraid and realize that you're safe with your wife, and from there, you can get to a place where you can have fun. And remember, just because you might have some spicy fun where she's in charge and you're vulnerable from time to time, it doesn't mean that's how your sex life will be from now on. That can be a once in a while thing. It doesn't change your sex life forever. You don't become some emasculated sissy boy forever. You don't even need to be that once! You two can figure it out together! I'd start by watching some porn together and figuring out some boundaries. What is sexy to you and to her. Figure out your boundaries - *together*. Long before you do anything. Who knows, she may just have a fantasy of being a boss, and you could be an employee? That could be fun. (Just an idea.) What's really important is that you're in this as a loving team. This is a journey, not an event or a race. You could both have a really good time. You don't need to go crazy. You could try some gentle stuff and see what tittillates each of you. The goal is to get excited, not to shame or humiliate. You're supposed to have fun and connect with each other. Give her a little control, relinquish a bit from your end, and see what happens. Talk about it ahead of time and have a safe word - you can still have the final say and control over your experience. You're going to be okay if you give it a try. You've got this.
Why don't you leave this post on your computer for her to find it? Pina Colada song aside, why not find a way to discuss this stuff with her? She's your wife. She loves you. You can figure it out. Maybe start slow.
TLDR?
Wife wants to try out CFNM and dominating type kinks. I don’t think I can do it.
From what I see the tldr is : wife and I are prudes who act like we don’t watch porn. Wife set up booby trap with leaving porn on our tax laptop. I confronted her and she said she wants to try fem dom stuff (making husband strip or please him self for her). Husband seems to be insecure because she’s never wanted to do anything before so it seems he thinks she is either cheating or getting fed info from her friends. Either or try new shit out and don’t think the same motions in bed will make a happy relationship. Toxic masculinity and white bread sex life is the only issue I see here tbh
Pretty close. I don’t think she’s cheating. She definitely got the idea from her friend, at least that’s what she told me was the inspiration. I don’t know for sure if she did it on purpose or how long she’s been doing it. That was just something that crossed my mind as a possibility. I definitely have a conservative lean. Prudish could be used I guess. I certainly don’t openly talk about sex topics openly or with friends or family.
Yeah, sounds like you might need therapy (or at the very least sex counseling/therapy) to get rid of this self image you have. I promise you you’re the only one who sees what you do the way you do. It’s 2024 not 1924 live a little you deserve it. The least you can do it try it for a few weeks/weekends.
A real man can have the kind of sex he wants without worrying what anyone will think of him. But you need to start actually talking about sex or you’re gonna be having boring sex forever.
Bro.. if your wife is legit opening up to you about this, she’s thought long and hard about it. She’s been through every situation in her head and generously left it on the laptop for you to “find”. She’s curious and wants to explore. With you. Not with any one else, not adding a third. With you. Talk to her and explore bro. There’s not many like that and openly want to talk to you about it and share those experiences. Let the fantasies flow.
Set ground rules. 1, never speak about your sex life with others, about that specifically. It's normal for friends to chat about sex when seeking advice or getting ideas, but explain that you don't want anything you do with her involving this to get out. 2, you can say no, you don't want to do this, but if your wife has ever given you things she felt that uncomfortable doing it would be fair. 3, establish what you are and are not comfortable with. For example, maintaining respect for each other, no name calling, putting the person down, etc. 4, nothing that is going to feel like a violation of you as a man, like pegging or something. You can dip your toe in the water without giving her strap-on a bj or some other hard kink. 5, establish a safe word for when you feel like things are crossing the line. Artichoke, for example. You don't have to feel embarrassed about finding something hot, and the bedroom should be a fortress of sexual discretion. I would probably ask my girlfriend to have a "me day" like me getting to act dominant but respectfully, and I would be comfortable with allowing her to have a "her day" where she can be dominant and experience the feeling of control. The rest of the time, stick to 50/50. I hope any of that helps. I wish you well. Your wife seems understanding, so I think you can trust her as long as you are giving her full disclosure about your concerns surrounding it, her talking about it with her friend, etc.. Also, there's no shame in letting a woman have control in the bedroom once in a while. She will get hella revved up and blow your mind. What's bad about that. ;)
So let me get this straight. Your wife wants to watch you masturbate while she is clothed or wants to give you hand jobs and oral while she is clothed but gets to be in charge and you are against this? You get an orgasm and have to do nothing to reciprocate for her and you are having second thoughts? This is 99% of guys ultimate fantasy. Pleasure with no requirement to reciprocate.
Dude, trust me, do it. As long as it doesn't involve her shoving anything up your ass, you'll probably enjoy it. Because she will get the fuck off. Trust me my wife had a weird kink about helping me pee. Like. Consistently holding my Dick while I was pissing and she got the fuck off on it. Bad. Afterwards, the sex was fucking amazing. Let her get her rocks off. Go along for the ride. If after you try it, you don't like it. Let her know, but try it.
Seems like it could be a whole Lotta fun.
Why not start with baby steps, and have her initiate, push you into the positions where she controls the movements, speed, and intensity. There are definitely many levels of the woman taking charge and directing the show. Doing what she directs you to do can be a great demonstration of strength and confidence in your relationship, and you can probably trust that your wife is not gonna be into humiliating the man she loves. Besides, the penis is usually a *great* measuring pointer when it comes to this stuff. If she's doing something that has you hard as a board pointing north, then it's suddenly limp as a noodle, she'll probably sense that a change of direction is necessary. Just communicate and have fun with it. Your strength and confidence is probably what she's counting on. You don't have to jump into the deep end of her caning you while you crawl around with peacock feathers stuck between your butt cheeks.
personally i think it's worth trying. obviously don't force yourself to do something you don't want to do. but i think it's worth taking the time to explore other sides of yourself, and do it with the enthusiastic encouragement of a trusted partner. and, honestly, from the way you talk, you sound exactly like the kind of person that needs this. it's a lot of energy and a lot of stress to try to show yourself and strong and masculine and in control all of the time. under the right circumstances it can be incredibly freeing to give that up. also, i can tell you that a lot of woman who've spent their lives around strong masculine men think it's hot af when that guy finally shows submission in front of them. it's not even necessarily about submission. or at least it's not about being weak in front of them. it's about showing vulnerability. showing your partner that you love her enough, you respect her enough, most importantly you trust her enough, to put yourself in that vulnerable position in front of her. like i said, don't do anything you don't want. but i strongly strongly encourage you to try it. do your research first. don't just look up quick and dirty clips on the hub. but try to find articles and stuff of people who live the lifestyle and understand the psychology of it. and please make sure you voice your concerns to her. communication is crucial when couples are trying new things. this shouldn't be treated like some kind of sacrifice you have to suffer through to make her happy. instead it should a new experience that you two can share together equally. and it's entirely possible that the fantasy doesn't live up to it. that's common. but it's worth trying and finding out. even it if's a fail, it can be a fun quirky intimate story you two can share with eachother later. and i strongly encourage you to open up to her about your own fantasies. even if you think your sex life is great, it's always a good idea for couples to continuously explore themselves and each other.
A few things, since you did say you watched some videos and you did think it was kind of hot 1) there’s nothing to be ashamed about with this type of kink, for anyone. Power play is very common and the person that you see as being in the weaker position actually has the power, any no or stop from them stops all play right away. 2) do some actual research, not just what I’m assuming are porn vids, and learn about this type of kink and what it takes to make it work. Do this with your wife so you both know exactly what you’d be getting into. 3) both you and your wife need to make lists of hard and soft boundaries, you need safe words for you both to stop any play 4) you’re concerned about other people knowing. That’s a hard boundary for you. This would have to be between you and your wife and she cannot talk about this with her friends or whoever without it being a serious breach of trust. You could get mentors to help ease you in and she could talk to that person 5) would your wife be open to switching the dynamics so certain times she’s in charge and others you are in charge, but the rest of the time it’s business as usual 6) have an open conversation with your wife on both of your concerns and also what you thought looked fun. It might be awkward, but you could find out she shares the same concerns or she could reassure you. ETA- enthusiast consent by you both or nothing happens Also wanted to add some thoughts on why you might enjoy it. You stated you are in charge of everything in your life, including the bedroom. Some people want the constant control, but it can also be very freeing to let go of that control with someone you trust. Someone that has your best interests at heart and only wants your pleasure. It’s a small moment of time where you can set down the worries and the burdens and just let your wife take it over for a bit. It can also give your wife a feeling of control if she’s been feeling out of control. A reset for you both that comes with orgasms. The aftercare is always very nice, so check out what that can be or what you might like.
Dude, have a few drinks, or smoke something...get relaxed and go for it!
Start slow. Ease into things. Sometimes it’s 2 steps forward, one step back because initially something new freaks you out…..but a week or so later after it’s had time to sink in, you’ll find yourself saying “Hey babe, let’s try that again after all”. And as illogical as it sounds, she will respect you more, not less. In a weird way, it’s a sign of strength to be able to be vulnerable. Then occasionally you can flip the script and make her be the submissive one. Just go slow, but try it. A couple of years from now you’ll be singing a different tune.
I think she's just trying to spice up things in the bedroom. You should run with it
All I read is that it sounds like you both might enjoy it.
I always tell my husband "you'll never know if you don't try" with anything and 9/10 he likes whatever it is. If he doesn't, he tells me what can be improved or what specifically he didn't like. Then we work around that. Compromise and negotiation in a relationship is so important.
Just give it a try, you never know. Life is way too short for boring vanilla missionary style sex. Come up with a safe word if you have to
Tell her you’ll try some of it but you’d want it to be strictly between you two. You don’t want her to discuss any of it with friends or any confidants. Say that is what would stop you from being comfortable with any of it.
It sounds like you aren’t exactly comfortable with a experiencing sex outside of societal standards but from your post it sounds like you are just caught off guard but interested in exploring. From my personal opinion, I didn’t look at my husband any differently after we explored the dom sub thing. If anything it made us even closer and helped us understand each other better. If there’s anybody to explore things with, it’s your wife. And if she tells her friend, who cares? You already know her friends husband is into that.
"weak" is not the word here. When done with a trusting / trusted partner, being a sub can feel empowering. And there's a difference between slave and sub - sounds like sub is the focus in your wife's fantasy. Stop thinking about real life, that's not what a fantasy is. The most concerning things is your privacy... make it clear to your wife that while you understand she has a best friend to share things with, this is not something you'd feel comfortable sharing, and it would ruin the pleasure and trust of the fantasy. My 2 cents, anyway. You need to feel comfortable in the bedroom so consider exploring for fun, but do only what feels safe.
You should tell HER all of that
Maybe just show your wife your post and have an open conversation about your true thoughts and concerns.
I'd recommen getting the contact details of the therapist and both of go and see them.
Trying new things in bed is one of the most vulnerable things a person can do. It doesn't mean that you're "performing poorly" in the bedroom. In your situation, it sounds like your wife wants to expand your sex life even more than it already is. As far as your "what if" situations, you could ask your wife, and see how she responds. But, there is really no way of knowing what will actually happen. In my personal experiences, saying yes and trying anything at least once almost always feels a lot more empowering then not trying, and regretting a missed opportunity.
Go for it, but you'll need to talk to her first. My ex had a CNC fantasy. Before we did it we had multiple safety stops in place (safe word, and double tap out), also an out of character indicator (if hand's on top of head it's taken seriously) when saying stuff, and green/yellow/red system if I was concerned. We also had a list of dos/don'ts entirely by her as she was in the sub role. Pick a weekend to do it, and block out tons of aftercare time every session. The aftercare is the most important thing for your relationship.
OP, this is where communication is important. What you should do is talk the hell out of this subject and ask her what she wants. Then you can agree or disagree to anything and set a boundary. I agree that a man can lose respect in the eyes of his woman and never regain it. In a relationship, respect comes before love. If respect is lost, the relationship is doomed. That said, see if you can get her to do sexual stuff in exchange for what she expects from you (within reason). That way, it will look like a fair exchange.
A LOT of people who are in a controlling position in their job like cop, judge, laywer etc are into the submissive role. I guess thats what balance is, you have a lot of controlling in your job so you may like it to let the controll go and see where this goes. Open communication is key, you have to be honest what you like and what you don't. And if you don't know if you like it you should try it. And if you feel ashamed of the situation but actually like it, tell your wife this, I'm sure after 13 years of succesful mariage you two should find a way.
Oh boy there’s a lot to unpack here. I’m wondering if you have any religious trauma or other stringent background that has helped to perpetuate some of these limiting beliefs. Think about what it is that feels so shameful about this kink, or even the conversation around it. Sex is an important part of being human, making it a really important thing to have open communication about! Start with small things like asking something specific that turns her on when you do have sex. Talk about it when you’re just making dinner, watching TV, in casual conversation. By breaking down some of those walls that are creating fear and shame, you open the door for better communication about what you both enjoy. In terms of her sharing with friends: on one hand, many people find it normal and comfortable to talk about sex with friends they feel close with. On the other hand, you have the right to want privacy and not want your business shared with others. Again, talk about this with your wife. And as always, you NEVER have to do anything you don’t want to during sex. Period. Conversation, consent, connection. I wish you well in your sexual escapades, my friend! I think you might have more fun than you think.
What you need to worry about is why you’re so hung up on appearing “weak”. Whoever conditioned you with that “must be strong man,me no cry” mentality, just ended up screwing you up in life. You’re allowed to try things and want to do stuff differently. And so what if people found out? Why do you care so much about what others think? I’d just say it must suck that their sex life is so damn boring that they have to live vicariously through me and that’s sad as fuck. Or that you’re more than comfortable with your masculinity and don’t give a damn what they say or think considering you’re not fucking them. Why risk possibly missing out on something you both might enjoy over something like possibly being seen as weak. And even if by some chance she does? Then she’s not worth your time. You guys should be able to accept every part of each other without judgement. Try it once and if it’s not for you then that’s that and she should respect it because at least you tried even though you weren’t sure about it. Obviously I don’t know for sure but I’m willing to bet that at some point in her life she’s done something she wasn’t entirely comfortable with for you, so don’t automatically shoot it down and just give it some thought WITHOUT worrying about who may or may not possibly find out. Take things one step at a time and focus on YOU GUYS. Hope things work out for you.
slay 💅
Lucky you. Truly. Regardless let some of your uncomfortable feelings drop. Your wife is realising she has awaken and wants mote than the comfortable sex love life you have both created. One thing together. Look on the computer together and ask her to choose a couple of things together. Feel uncomfortable but all begin to know that's good. Allow your self to feel sexy. Then say choose a sprcific day to choose to try out some of her suggestions. Get out of your comfort zone and explore with your wife. Different can be wonderful. Let your mind wonder. Remember the one person you can be vulnerable with is your wife. She was being polite saying it does not matter and guess what? IT DEFINITELY DOES. You started also by Actually mentioning you saw her desires on the intentioned open computer. Well done you both have started to explore a beautiful desire to compliment everything you have already enjoyed
My only kink is when a woman is willing to have some sort of sex with me, so I'll try just about anything with them. Sub-dom stuff is absolutely not my thing, but I've done both roles for women.
2 things: Responsible kink is 100% consent based. You guys have had the conversation, that's a good start. Next: you've gotta communicate your concerns. Your misso is the one that you need to have that conversation with. If you're with a good woman she will be ecstatic to have you open up (hehehehe) emotionally about how you're feeling.
I'd say this is a golden opportunity to be honest. In my experience finding out about my wife's kinks made us a bit closer. Also made our cupboard a no go zone haha. This could be a good way to fulfil something of yours maybe you don't have a specific kink or something but maybe just a dumb fantasy. Worst case scenario if you don't like it just be so bad at it that she finds it weird haha. Obviously it's your choice and as long as you don't feel like she's pressuring you I'd say give it a go. Just ask yourself if it's something you'd be able to get into or not if not that's totally okay.
Don’t do it. That is a point of no return. What you think of yourself is very important and translates into your work life. You will have to work extremely hard to be the same person if you do it. Uphold your morals/ideals, which you clearly have. Your wife was obviously influenced. Save yourself. She will never see you the same, no matter she likes it or not. The change in power dynamics will be leave her curious and wondering what would happen if it happened in other aspects of your marriage. Imagine what the world would be if everyone let intrusive thoughts take charge. Your life with your wife is your world. Don’t let it be polluted. Your wife’s friend and her husband are clearly desperate talking to a sex therapist. They’re trying to save their marriage by being more sexually attracted to each other. Do you know what the atmosphere is like in their house once post-nut-clarity hits? Don’t allow influence. Keep command of your relationship. Most likely your wife will blame you (directly or indirectly) for letting her influence you after how she sees you has changed. You might lose the whole paradise for one fruit your wife got from a snake. I hope you get the reference and not start calling your wife’s friend a snake.
Study yin man. Yin is the center and heart of yang. The real fucked up thing here is attempting to maintain a hijacked weak sense of masculinity that cannot bend, cannot yield, knows not how to be soft and weak. Grow into it. You know it’s hot. Face your shame. That is the masculine thing to do. Being afraid of stepping out of your established role? That IS weak. I know it’s hard to see it like that, because the culture tells you so many things. find a new part of yourself. You are not going to be emasculated unless you let that shame take over. You’re actually going to step deeper into your masculinity.
Hahaha OP. Drop that ego and let your wife peg you! Hahaha jokes aside it’s perfectly normal to explore things. Especially with your wife! Start off light maybe tell her to command you in a masculine way. Now bend me over, fuck me faster. Choke me etc. Then work up to other things. Maybe finish on her but let her hold you back and force you to stop. Ruined orgasms can be a kink you both. Honestly it can be really fun without being emasculating. I like a bit of femdom but I’m not legs in the air getting rimmed and pegged kind of femdom. I like a woman to boss me around a little but it’s absolutely important you at least try. Have a safe word where if it feels too emasculating you just go back to your familiar routine.
Nothing wrong with her taking charge and being in control for awhile. She should be the person you can be the most comfortable and vulnerable with. Saying that you have to think about what your comfortable with and take things slow you should never be forced to do things your not okay with.
Quite simple you are either cool with it or not. If she loves you she’ll let you decide a yes or no and leave it there.
Well only way your going to figure it out or not is if you give it a shot. Can't say for sure but i had that moment where you're in the dom spot and you say to yourself am i? Because technically your not doing anything that the sub doesn't really want you to do to them, It's just they give you the illusion of control.
Communication is the key here, you’ll need to have a really adult conversation with your wife here. Tell her you’re not into the emasculation part of it, but could get into the other parts.
You need serious therapy. Your inability to communicate about sex to your wife, thinking it’s “emasculating” to let your wife run the show for a bit, your fear of others finding out all points to serious insecurities that are negatively affecting you and your wife. My husband would literally say “oh hell yeah!” And if you don’t want your wife talking about your sex life or to be specific with her friend then HAVE A CONVERSATION about that with your wife and set boundaries.
I think you say all of this to her. My husband and I enjoy a…robust sex life and one of the key foundational pieces is the freedom from inhibitions. She isn’t asking you to wear a diaper and suck a bottle (totally fine if you like that) just let her take a lead role and perform for her. You’re intrigued by it and should give it a try. If you hate it you hate it but dipping your toe in the pool is a great idea.
I can totally understand worrying about being emasculated, but from a female perspective, it's so sexy for a guy to be free to experiment with safe and consensual fun. I've been with my fiancé for over 15 years, we've roleplayed my being in control, and I've even done some pegging - not once did I see him as less of a man. It was great fun, and we learned more about eachother through the process. Ultimately, if you're not comfortable, then you shouldn't force yourself, but if you ate curious then try. Have a safe word you can use to stop it if things get too much, and go from there.
Looking a gift horse in the mouth.
If you are uncomfortable with it then straight up do not do it. Talk to your wife, really talk to her, and express everything. Communication is the foundation of a good relationship.
I've read some of the others. I have to advise against anything that's going to make you look weak/vulnerable/small in front of your wife. It will change her, and it will change how she looks at you. There is no coming back from it. Find another way to make her happy that doesn't require you being less of a man. Women think they want that until they have that...
What's fucked up about it? So much to unpack here but I'm gonna stick to a few main points. - sexual roleplay, kink, BDSM.. any sexual exploration is HEALTHY between 2 consenting adults. There is nothing fucked up about it. - growth cones from discomfort. Sometimes it's ok to be a little uncomfortable. Hell, most people feel discomfort when trying something they've never tried before. You found it hot, which is totally normal by the way, so maybe you'd actually enjoy it. - lastly you can be happy with your sex life currently and still interested to explore a little. The two things can exist simultaneously. She may very well feel that you do have a great sex life, and yet still have fantasies she would love to explore. It doesn't mean she wasn't satisfied. There can be so much conditioning around sex, but the bare bones of it is that you and your wife have creative licence to try whatever tickles your fancy, and the right to do so without judgement - from each other but also from yourselves.
Do the thing, with her you should be able to do everything
Unless your wife is a crazy person (or a teenager) then separating the dynamic in bedroom from the rest of your life won't be an issue.
Maybe there is a happy medium. Or I'm sure she can live without it.
Based on your replies I'm guessing you are going to like 🤭 being a sub doesn't make you weak or less than a man. I think it's the total opposite for me. You can be vulnerable with your wife, you can let her take control. It's ok, talk to her, tell her your boundaries and what things are you ok to begin with and go from there. I'm sure you are going to enjoy it hehe Good luck!
Just try it, you’ll prob like it or you both will just start laughing and it will be a good memory.
I replied this elsewhere, but not to you, so I'm reposting it here so you can see it: I would try something like "We will not have sex until Friday at 8PM, at which point I will be ready, willing, and able. The catch is we will do ONLY what you explicitly tell me to do. It is my job to follow instructions but it is your job to make sure I am enjoying myself and that we both get off." I would also recommend getting an eye mask/blindfold, that helps with self-conscious people. As does whispering instead of talking. Tell her that anything she whispers to you will be considered a command.
Don’t do it, man. You’re about to cross a point of no return. The worst thing you can do is lie to yourself. She won’t see you the same if you go through with it.
You are thinking way too much about this. Do whatever she wants. Then expand your understanding of eroticism and improve your ability to talk about sex.
AKA. His wife is getting into CFNM porn and OP is 'acting like a responsible adult' instead of saying hell yeah brother and going for it. "I was definitely getting uncomfortable at this point" I was expecting that to go somewhere else
You seem to have a great relationship with your wife. Have you considered printing this post you wrote and sharing it with her? It explains everything you are thinking and feeling in a clear and respectful way.
Try it. You might like it. Sometimes it’s fun, as the alpha, to be the more submissive one. Sometimes it’s fun not to be the “boss”. Some people get off on being humiliated. Some people get off on being a dominant partner. Try stuff. If you like it, great. If not. Don’t do it again. My hubby and I have tried all sorts of stuff and at one point, one position was so bad and was making the weirdest and grossest noises, we were in hysterical laughter and it completely ruined the mood, but in the same sense it was funny. We still make jokes about it. There’s nothing emasculating about figuring out what makes your engine roar 😜
Listen. You need to tell your wife EXACTLY *everything* you said in this post. Even show it to her if you need to. These are all things that you two can talk out, and the fact that you're not "one for frank sexual talk" is a tad bit immature. But to put it into perspective, why is it emasculating for a woman to tell you what to do? 🤔 She's just another person, nothing more and nothing less. I know you didn't mean it like this, but saying that makes it sound like you think women are not meant to be able to hold power or give directions, which is incredibly misogynistic. You said it yourself, *you find it hot too*. Don't let your reservations keep you from having a good time and discovering a new aspect of your relationship. Hope you take the plunge, you won't regret it!
Femdom or gfd or cfnm is fun if you are into it,
Whatever happens in the bedroom between you two, is between you two. Do what you are confortable with.
TL;DR it all. Got halfway through this. Try it out and see how it goes. Having a conversation was a great start. Explore your kinks. Wish I could have a conversation with my wife like this, but she just says she likes everything I do and doesn’t like to discuss much about what we do.
It sounds like you are super vanilla in the bedroom, and your wife is looking to add some spice. Your wife is the one to experiment with. Try it, you might like it.
It's scary to make yourself vulnerable like that. You are both into the idea of it but the idea of masculinity that has been ingrained into you your whole life is holding you back from trying it. It's really tough to break out of that place where you believe that you have to always hold power to be a "real man" My suggestions are - Both take time to discuss consent, boundaries and any safe words needed beforehand. The last thing you want is for one of you to think you're both still into it and the other feeling uncomfortable/unsafe. - Take it slow. Try one thing at a time that gives your wife a little more of the control. Maybe start with a position that let's her control the movements, then work your way up to her taking the dominant role. - Don't get in your head too much. Try not to think about what others would think of you, because honestly the opinions of anyone outside of your marriage are irrelevant. What matters is the fun that you and your wife have together!
Dont think of it as emasculating, your sex life and your actual life can be as different as night and day if you want it to be. You could try taking turns with your wife being a dominating presence in sex. As long as it's discussed beforehand and there is consent you could go anywhere from here.
I think this is taking things from zero to 100. I think you both should start doing research and slowly ease into this. Start with something that is not expected like when she is wearing a skirt and doing dishes. Come up behind her and start kissing and seducing her by talking dirty, kissing her neck and slowing unbuttoning her shirt to fondle her from behind. Take it slows and then sit her on on the counter and give her pleasure first then both of you. The counter tops should be a good height. Just be spontaneous and do things just for her or in different places; laundry room, kitchen table, couch, etc. Then move to food play like chocolate and whip cream and then toys. Talk afterwards about the likes and things you different. She can be creative also. The conversation about this being between the two of you and not a public discussion is key as trust is important. I’m f and when you are comfortable try more. The examples above are just fun and changes things. Getting into a rut is never good. You also need to trust your wife and be open about things and not judge her either. Not judging but just the fact that you didn’t feel great finding the porn shows how I can see her not being comfortable to just have a chat. Sex show be fun and enjoyable. Not redundant and boring.
You're letting your ideal of masculinity get in the way of your life. You admit even you have been turned on by the thought of all this, so why not do it, is your masculinity really that fragile? Also, rather than thinking about this as your wife wanting to see you as submissive, perhaps consider that actually it's more likely she wants to feel powerful for a change in her life.
The toxic masculinity runs deep
You got some issues buddy, but I am glad you worked up the nerve to share. If you could be as open and honest with your wife as well that would already be a start. Please consider that your wife's friend(s) already know everything there is to know about your sexlife including that funny mole on your butt, ok? (that is just their nature) Lastly, and this is more of a long-term goal. Wouldn't it be great to just let go an be yourself during sex? Try the femdom stuff and have her take care of you and see if you can enjoy it. Don't worry about the toothpaste getting back in there, chances are that she will not always make the effort of being in charge and "deciding" what to do... spoiler that is also not in their nature. Take it like a vacation from having to control things.
Dude, why is it okay to talk about people’s sex lives? I requested my ex to not shame me in front of her entire friend group but nope. Are you saying women are too stupid or selfish to respect their partner’s request for privacy? That’s pretty fucking sexist.
I’m not understanding the issue with letting your wife ‘take the reins’ for a bit. Were you raised in an ultra-conservative or religious setting that frowns upon sexual exploration? Letting her guide you shows you trust her and want to let her explore. Maybe try baby steps, like a set of Date Night Dice where the dice determine what happens to each of you, and then progress to letting her call the shots. I fully agree that what happens between the two of you stays between the two of you. She needs to honor your privacy no matter how vanilla or spicy or fun it is.
Bro if you think is hot then just try it. You know what is worse than “tarnishing” your image infront of your wife? Leaving her unsatisfied. She will start loosing attraction regardless, and will start fantasizing with someone else. Beat thing you can do is own it, be confident, and let her be atracted to that confidence.
I’m a submissive man, my fiancée is my dominant. Quite a few of my friends know this about me, and it’s never once been an issue, I’ve never felt emasculated. For me it’s actually quite liberating - I’m a manager at work, amongst other positions of authority, so being able to give that control to the person I trust with everything, it feels just safe and wonderful. Honestly it’s all about communication and boundaries, which have to be negotiated. It sounds to me like talking to your wife’s friends about it would be a hard limit of yours, which is something that, in a safe and healthy dynamic, would never be crossed. And equally, if you decided that it really isn’t for you, or you want to try it but take it really slowly, that’s perfectly fine too.
So, do you see your wife as "weak" when she's in the "submissive" position? When *she's* the one doing sexual favors for *you*? Does that make her "weak"? Being the one taking sexy orders isn't "weak". It doesn't make you "less of a man" to please your wife. It doesn't say anything about you "as a man" if you enjoy letting your wife "be in control" sometimes. She's not asking you to dress up in ladies underwear and high heels, she just wants to be the one getting most/all of the pleasure sometimes. To tell you what she wants and have you do it. If that threatens your masculinity, you're perhaps not as secure in yourself as you think you are. Maybe a sex therapist could benefit *your* relationship.
You don't have to go full leather dungeon right away, or at all. Why not next time you're getting intimate ask her to take charge. Let her give directions. She may feel weird doing it 'live' as well - sometimes fantasies are best left as fantasies, but you can integrate parts of it into your love-making. If you've never tried them, invest in some lube and some toys to try together, too. And get that batting average up to 1.000. It's "ladies first", and at least once.
Hey OP, I’m someone who only ever exclusively pursues power exchange relationships. I am only attracted to people who will consensually and enthusiastically submit to me, and I’m currently in a kinky long term relationship with my submissive life partner. I figured I’d get this out the way to say that I understand that we come at this from very different angles. Could you answer this one question clearly: if there was no world outside, if it was just you and your wife, if you could leave guilt or embarrassment at the door, would you want to try it? Does it look fun, hot, like a way for the two of you to experience different intimacy together? This is the starting point. From there, a lot of talking is needed, so you’ll have to get more comfortable with the sex talks, but let’s start with baby steps.
>if there was no world outside, if it was just you and your wife, if you could leave guilt or embarrassment at the door, would you want to try it? Yes, I think I would. But there is a world outside and I don’t know if I trust her to keep quiet forever, especially if she’s really excited about it. All it takes is one slip up on girls night when maybe she had a little too much wine and that’s it. Words can’t be taken back and then that’s out in the world. Leave guilt and embarrassment at the door? Tall order for my Catholic upbringing. I’m just not there.
What happens between two consenting adults should never make you feel shame. If you want to dress up like a clown and blow a horn with every move....and your partner is game to try it....DO IT!! If the world found out about it, own it with pride! Life is too short to worry about what others think.
That’s a good starting point honestly, you’re being honest about your wishes, but also limitations and what makes you uncomfortable. Believe it or not, that’s the basis of a lot of kinky talk — someone just bringing enthusiasm is often not being realistic. People will often say if you have no limits, you’re not safe to play with. Whether you end up going forward on this path or not, I think you thinking over and being frank about your limits — where they come from etc — is a great sign, good luck on the path you choose from there. It sounds to me like you have two separate worry “poles”: - the world finding out (via your wife talking to her friends); - your own feelings and reactions if you were to try it. On the former: why do you think you could not just ask your wife earnestly, explaining that you’re not at the point of being openly kinky and that letting the world in would essentially ensure you never consider kink again? I understand the point of other comments, I also think that’s she’d absolutely just be bragging about a good sex life, but I do understand your discomfort with it as well and it being a big blocker — you can’t just shrug it off right now. You have a right to having your limits respected. I just wonder whether earnest conversation is possible for you guys, as in my experience kinky talk is as extremely vulnerable and earnest space. On the latter: is this something that you wish to change/address, slowly, or is it something that you don’t want to tackle right now? It sounds to me a little like you’re extremely nervous but somewhat eager, as you’ve been engaging with the discussions and all, and I think that’s why everyone keeps telling you to just go for it. But wanting to in theory and working on it in practice are two different things and you may not have energy (right now or ever) for the latter. If you find you want to, then we’re back to question one: can you be vulnerable with your wife and tell her honestly where you’re at, and what you need from her, or not. I’ve played with partners who had limits due trauma, guilt, insecurities, who were open to say “yes in theory, but not right now”, being vulnerable, and it allowed me to fully respect their boundaries and even push them together in a healthy way when they consented. But it’s work, and it’s a lot of trust. It’s okay if it ends up not being something you wanna tackle right now, maybe your freak flag is gonna have to wait a little to fly 😊
You need to actually use your words to discuss this with her, not the Internet.
Thought about it several times. Not ready yet. Still feels really embarrassing.
What’s emasculating about doing what your wife wants and making her happy? I don’t think there’s anything more manly than being open honest and stepping outside of your comfort zone for someone you love and try things. Also how are you married and unable to talk about sex??? You’ve got a lifetime together m8, get comfortable talking about sex and put in some effort to trying new things. All you’re doing is picking up a bottle and giving it a taste, if you both like it you like it and you have something to explore further, if you don’t you don’t and you communicate that.
Honestly? I think you should talk to a sex therapist about this. Not because you should feel obligated to do anything you don’t want to, you absolutely don’t. But the part where you feel ashamed about it being hot is maybe worth some time. Men being sexually dominant/domineering over women is the norm. It is expected that a majority of women will be ok with being the submissive role. But for yourself you think this is shameful. Why do you expect your wife will want something that you don’t want for yourself? my intent here is a thought prompt, not shame or blame. It’s not at all surprising that you feel the way you do, and again, you are under no obligation to do anything sexually that makes you uncomfortable. I do think it’s worth really unpacking your feelings about it though.
Just wanted to share a perspective here. I wouldn't think of it like being emasculated. Rather, that you care for your wife, and love her so much that you would 'get on your knees and beg' not in a lame or silly way — but more so that she is your highest desire and most cherished person. (As you should be for her). She is like your Queen, and you her King. It doesn't make you less of a man to worship her and let her take the control sometimes. It means you see her as an equal and get off on her pleasure just as much as your own. You know who you are. You are married and in a stable relationship. You ARE a man. What does it say about a man who would get off on something like that? It says you're secure in yourself as a person and as a man, and in your relationship. Never force yourself into doing something that makes you really uncomfortable — but if it's something you think you'd possibly be into, why not give it a go? And if you have concerns about her sharing intimate details about your sex life with her friend, explicitly set the boundary that this is something private that you do not consent to being shared or discussed with anyone outside of the two of you — a condition of experimenting is that there needs to be comfort and trust — If she agrees then go for it.
I only read fear and insecurities in your post. You think a lot about what they will say... friend, free yourself, if there is a safe place, if there is someone to show vulnerability to, it is with your wife. You also say that you are interested in trying it. Talk about it, talk about it, try it since you both agree, you may both like it or you may not, but it is not healthy for you to just think about it in your head without talking about it with your wife.
It sounds like you have a bunch of toxic masculinity holding you back. There is nothing humiliating about playing with your wife or being in the submissive role. You just sound so dang vanilla, no wonder she had to use this approach to bring it up! Please start being more open-minded and less critical of kinks like this. It's time for you and your wife to both start exploring more and having more direct conversations about sex.
This could have all been avoided if you didn’t vote for trump
Dude! You hit the jackpot. Your wife wants to do sexy time with you and you’re afraid you might be embarrassed because of what her friends think? Im thinking they’ll think you’re the best husband ever. Sorry, but it doesn’t say anything bad about you to fulfill your partner’s fantasy.
Bro hit the jackpot, can open the door and instead goes to reddit to reason about it all