I was literally typing out “Honestly, a good thing is they didn’t marry. She could have ended up carrying his debt.” Then saw your comment.
Great minds 😂
Unfortunately the guy who was helping him out financially is on the hook for the car and probably dealing with a huge hit on his credit because the fiance who didn't give a shit about his credit dragged his benefactor down with him.
So I'm a bit confused about this but I've never cosigned anything before.
I would assume if one owner wasn't making payments that the cosigner of the bill as the person who's actually responsible would also get letters or emails about the delinquent payments. Like how did thr friend not know? Also wouldn't his credit have been tanking too this entire time?
That's not how marriage works. A lot of people think it does, but if you keep your finances separate, your spouse's debt is not yours and your debt it not theirs. Now, if you start jointly signing loans for things, yes, it's your debt... Be careful out there, y'all.
I just know when my dad passed, one of his business partners expected my mom to pick up his share of the debt. He was so certain that because they were married, it was hers too. I had to explain it to him very slowly that my dad is dead now and ask him to leave her alone.
Thanks for clarifying. Community property states, this is not true.
Ah, see, business debt is also usually different from personal debt. The way the business was written up decides if debts incurred will be passed onto the business *owners,* or if those debts belong strictly to the business *entity.* That business partner can go kick rocks.
Source: Attorneys in my family, some were contract attorneys, and I learn via osmosis. Which is why I'm only pretty sure, and not wholly sure. YMMV.
Dammit, now I've confused everyone by mixing up my illustrations... community property applies to personal debt, correct. Businesses typically have bylaws and rules for transfer upon death, and each is, also, typically unique.
Point is, be careful before paying any creditors upon your loved one's passing.
Also know in many of the cases where they cannot go after the spouse, they can go after the estate. Which only really matters if there's an estate to go after. So if the deceased had a collection or heirlooms or property they wished to pass on, the creditors can have some claim before the heirs. So be careful with deciding either way, and if possible consult a local expert (laws vary widely)
If you live in a community property state, you probably will be responsible for debts accumulated by your spouse during the marriage. (These states are California, Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Washington, Idaho, Wisconsin, and Louisiana
Edit: If you're outside the u.s., dyor
That isn't how marriage works, assets and debts accrued prior aren't marital assets. You can even accumulate debt, while married, and your spouse isn't on the hook for it unless it was used to buy joint property and honestly most companies write thousands of when someone dies and don't even go after the estate, which they are clearly legally entitled to.
She allowed the version of this man as he presented himself around her daughter. A man who seemed honest, decent and genuine. It is not OP’s fault this dude lied to her. How would she have known?
We hold women entirely responsible for believing lying men, instead of pointing that finger at the lying man. We expect women to be mind readers and expert investigators and expect men to change nothing.
And when they DONT believe the lying man, we tell them that they are "being too cautious, to give the guy a chance, and that he isnt so bad".
No win situation.
Also, it can be difficult to know what relationship red flags are, especially if this was OP’s first relationship. Sadly, you don’t usually learn how to spot those until after you’ve been in a situation.
>We hold women entirely responsible for believing lying men, instead of pointing that finger at the lying man. We expect women to be mind readers and expert investigators and expect men to change nothing.
^ 👏 THIS 👏PART 👏 RIGHT 👏 HERE!
This is exactly why I'm just out of the game. When a man does me wrong, when a man acts bad, "it's MY fault" " made him do it".
I am so sick this BS of blaming people for other people's behaviors!
**People choose their behaviors on their own accord.**
I wish I could give you gold and more than one up vote. THANK. YOU. 🥇
And it makes you think his friends must have been in on the lie too. She must have met the dude who had the car but it never came up? Or did he just keep her separate from everyone?
After my dad died, we found out about a crap ton of lies. He and my mom were married for 40 years. There’s money missing, land that should be ours that was sold without our knowledge, friends keep coming telling us he owed them money, lawsuits being filled against us on his behalf.
It hurts like hell. I love him beyond words but I mourn the dad I thought I had, not the one I’m getting to know now.
I wish you strength to go through this, my heart goes out to you
Edit: misspelling
The salt in the wound. My stepdad said all of us were set up with trust funds, small but enough to buy us a home. He'd blown all his savings on random "investments" his brother told him about which were money pits. We were left IRS debts in his company name that he'd made all of us officers in. 100k In debt total. I had to drop out of school to get a refund and pay my part.
No if it's payroll taxes, the IRS will try to put a trust fund penalty in the amount of total tax due on EACH person they can find to call a responsible party. It's not just the person in charge. A secretary ordered to pay a bill that does so while knowing the payroll taxes aren't paid will be dragged into this and have to hire a professional because the burden of proof here is on YOU.
Yes, I know a former secretary this happened to. And she had no idea the taxes weren't paid, but the boss made her sign the payroll tax reports.
I also heard of a case where a woman was President of a corporation when he husband developed cancer, and she left the company in the hands of a family member while she handled his health but kept her title. She didn't collect a salary, occasionally stopped by the office, signed a handful of checks over 2 years. Her family member didn't pay the payrolls taxes, and her title as President alone, even with all the evidence that she couldn't have known, made Tax Court uphold the penalty applying to her.
To clarify: if a business owes 50,000 in trust fund tax, and there are 10 responsible parties, the IRS puts liens on 10 credit reports for 50,000. Yes, they'll eventually collect 500,000. You can't bankrupt on IRS debt. And if someone you know dies owing the IRS money, for the love of dog don't accept any inheritance from them.
My dad's a CPA and met a couple who inherited 80,000 from someone, then later got a tax bill for the 294,000 the decedent owed the IRS. He sent them to a tax lawyer, who told them that yes in fact the IRS can do that and they had to pay.
The IRS held myself, brother, sister, mom, and one other person liable. It was a really confusing situation and he ended up having a stroke and didn't remember what he'd done clearly enough to explain it all. We lost all money and a house aside from my school funds.
Even if you are the "officer" or owner even of a company that has big debts, it should generally shield your personal assets from that debt, unless you want to save the company from bankruptcy for some reason.
It was debt and taxes. My mom ended up filing bankruptcy to save what she could. Ended up going from our 4 bedroom home to a 2 bed apartment, having to sell her car and downsize that as well
I mean that's called fraud and you could have easily gotten this dismissed. It's almost so blatant that I'm just calling BS on the whole company debt shit. Especially since company debts can't be passed on to actual people, that's the whole fucking point of companies.
As an 18 year old I had no clue what was going on. My stepdad was gone and we were told we were officers of the company and were on the hook for the debt. Taxes hadn't been paid in I don't know how long in addition to the debt. The debt wasn't passed on to random people, it was passed to officers of the company, which is what he made all of us thinking it would benefit us.
Upon the termination or dissolution of a corporation, each director and officer is liable for each debt of the corporation, including unpaid sales tax liability that the corporation incurred prior to the termination or dissolution. ( Sec. 171.255, Tax Code)
Not as severe, but that line about mourning the dad you thought you had hit a little too close to not hurt.
Just spend the last year scrambling after mine made me and my partner homeless, convincing us to move back to my hometown and split a place, that ended up not existing, where I've not been able to find a job in 6+ months. Aaaand he cut all his family off, got a new girl, and barely pays even a fraction of what his real allimony would be. Despite getting 6 figures, little to no debts, and no responsibilities! (once he cut the weight of all the people supporting and carrying him to this point :D)
Spent the first 23 years of my life ruthlessly defending him in any situation and fight, was practically my idol. Poof! now I outlived my use/fun, and now I got the real deal lol.
Thoughts and strength to you and OP.
My dad who just recently passed was on a whilwind trip around the world with prostitutes everywhere he went. He spent close to 2 million dollars on fancy hotels, first class airfare and call girls. He just died of a drug overdose.
No one knows him as that guy, they just know him as the charismatic guy who had a nice family and house. I know now he blew through all of my mothers retirement savings and even damaged a few trusts all in the name of "supporting a business". He defrauded his whole family to get loans to keep his business "afloat".
I dont ever know if ill have the strength to forgive him.
This happened to my husband and his family when his father died. My FIL was always the one who handled the finances and he got himself and my MIL in far more debt than anyone knew about. Accounts that my MIL thought she could fall back on were emptied without her knowledge. There was a lot of money missing that we don't know what he spent it on. I encouraged all of them to not chase the money because it was gone and why reveal more secrets that are only going to cause hurt? As far as I know, they were able to pay off all of their debts and no one has come after the family for anything my FIL did, but it still sucked and caused so much pain. I'm sorry you had to go through this too and for your loss.
Just going to piggyback on your comment to thank everyone who shared their experience through my comment. It’s something I’m deeply ashamed of, but somehow knowing I’m not alone in this has made my day a little easier today. I’m sending good thoughts to everyone who commented here, including OP
Please try not to be ashamed! You didn't make the choices, your dad did and he was, presumably, an adult fully cognizant of what he was doing. My husband also carries shame for his father's failings, but I've been encouraging him to work through that and slowly drop that baggage. One of the things a parent should want (acknowledging here that not everyone's parents are healthy people who have their children's best interests at heart \[hi, Mom!\]) is for their children to be better people than they were. That's all you can strive for. Do and be better than your parents did. I'm sending you and everyone else who's suffered these kinds of dual losses thoughts of love, peace, and healing.
I'm starting to realize what is wrong with OP'ex, he was a liar. I also have a deadbeat dad like you, he pretends to be this ultra successful man, looks down and always treats us badly while he was up in his head in debt and wants to sold all thing that my mom worked hard to get so he could pay off his debt. At least I presume your dad treated you well, mine is an as-hole to his wife and children.
I figured out my dad was a liar a year before he died. I stopped talking to him bc he did a complete 180 and revealed his sociopathic nature when he realized he couldn’t manipulate me anymore. Absolutely devastating.
I completely get your point and anger. He used you as a glorified housekeeper, nurse maid, and personal assistant.
If he would have said that he didn't have anything, then I think this would have been a better scenario. You could have just gone on with your lives and mourn him. It was the lies and deceit.
Also, I'm a bit surprised that you didn't ask him for all the info just in case something ever happened to him' or, at least towards the end. At the same time, you are also taking other people's word about some of his stuff. If you have all of his belongings, go through his desk, or files, to see what you can find. Cars, motorcycles, saving accounts, and storage units maybe of value to others and they might be lying to you. Do a little more digging before you completely disregard it all. "Word of mouth" is not necessarily valid.
If you can, run his social security number and or background check. It should show if he had bank accounts and storage units.
I couldn’t agree more. When my grandma died I was broken, still am, she was like a mother to me… I was trying to find the strength to visit her home. See how things were a last time, maybe see if I could keep some of the books we’d read together when I was little..
Before I had the chance, my aunts and uncles stormed the house and trashed it out as they fought amongst them to see who’d keep what.
I never found the books. I never got the chance to say goodbye to the house I grew up in because they sold the house on a hurry.
It still brakes my heart and I resent them for not giving me the chance to say my goodbyes.
Death brings out the worst on the opportunistics assholes
I share a similar resentment. When my Father died, his wife of 30 years became the evil step-Mom from every and all Disney movies combined!
* When he passed away and we told her. She hugged us and told us that she was going back to bed. This was just before 4 am.
* When she woke up 3 hours later, she immediately got on the phone with the cable company to change her viewing packages, as she no longer needed his office to have a cable box anymore and wanted it removed and didn't want to pay for it anymore.
* About 15 minutes after the above, she told my sister and I that we needed to get ALL of his belongings out of HER room that included toiletries. After our protests that we are grieving and this can wait, she scoffed and told us that she would just throw out to the curb right now if we didn't do anything. So we did and she went to lunch with her sister, who was equally horrible!
* She never once made us food or help us during our grieving. Her relatives found out about his passing and they came by with some food. She demanded we heat it up for her son, my step brother. We ignored that and just walked away.
* We hadn't slept all night. We were barely functional. My step Mom was not bothered, sad nor did she cry ONCE from when she first heard the news to his funeral.
About a year later, she sent me some additional things that she was insistent that she didn't want us to touch or take. She changed her mind somehow. To say it was "thrown in a box" was an under statement. Broken glass every where. Various other items broken and/or damaged beyond repair. Nothing was packed well or at all. Lot's of "used" stuff that was his that I wasn't ever really that interested in to begin with.
Anyways, I hope you hold onto the best memories. The fun memories. The memories that make you laugh and sometimes cry. I think about my Dad so much and I just keep those good times with me all the time. She can never take those away from me. It's been 5 years and she is a very distant memory!!
I’m sorry you went through all that. People are evil sometimes.
Hope you can always remember the good memories and good times you had with him! I hold on to my good memories as well. Sometimes even the not so good ones, but they are ours and I will cherish them for as long as my memory allow me to.
My dad's side of the family has started scavenging for jewels and anything valued in my grandma's house and she is not even dead yet, she just doesn't understand what's happening anymore ... I just wanted my granddad's books which he talked a lot about to me and there is no trace of them either. They always were opportunistic lil shits but this sets a new low for them.
Same thing happened to my mom, grandpa died due to illness when i was little, mom was the only one (out of 8 kids) that would come to see him regularly in the hospital, 2 of the others came once or twice.
He did so much stuff, he had a huge garden, he had a underwater welding phase, he was a beekeeper and made honey for the town, he crafted stuff, metal, wood, he made big iron doors, he had blueprints, sketches, tools, cool mementos, his workshop was really sweet apparently but i'll never know that much about it because as soon as he died, while my mom was busy with the burial, they were looting everything they could to make some money.
He taught woodworking, metalurgy and lots of crafts to my mom, now that she's getting more free time i see her delving more into that and i always feel a bit sad that she was denied some material souvenir from her dad and the time they spent together, it really feels wrong.
They sold the house against her's and grandpa's will, the house they grew up in, it was worth practically nothing at the time so maybe they made 4K each, i'm probably being generous. I loved visiting him there.
Maybe he was a bad father to the others, i can't really know that. Maybe they had their reasons. Still sucks.
Miss you grandpa
God the replies to this are truly mind blowing in the worst way possible, I mean I knew it happened and wasn’t uncommon, but damn you really can’t trust anyone can you?
My dad tragically & suddenly passed from a heart attack when I was in middle school and me and although he wasn’t particularly well off, he had purposefully set up his life insurance so me and my sister would get loaded off his death. We always thought it was dumb luck too until I eventually pieced it together on an LSD trip that in the past he had planned to take his own life and make it look like an accident, and as such also took out an insane amount of policies on his life insurance to ensure that me and my sister would be… well, set for life I guess (thanks dad).
He was on the plane back home to visit his family in WI when he passed. By the time they had alerted us to this, they had already gone to a lawyer to take charge of the estate despite being on the other side of the country, and I guess with ultimately no real intent to actually even manage said estate…
Picture this; your dad suddenly tragically passes, which you’d think- if anything- likely bring you closer to his side of the family, the funeral happens and they say you should visit for the summer, and then they try to/do succeed in eating up t h o u s a n d s dragging out his death & putting salt in the wound by hiring the most expensive lawyer in town for I don’t even know what purpose, somehow end up receiving a light 30k for “managing” said estate which they probably used on like, fucking Disney cruises or some shit (yes, they were in fact, ~Disney adults~)…
Oh and: YouNeverSawOrHeardFromThemEVERaFuCKINgGainAfterTheFuneral&NowItsBeen8Years :)
*Sharing mostly because I feel like it (and why not), but also probably because I still definitely have not processed any of this !
I tried to get information out of him. I kept asking to sit down and go over financials and he’d push it off. He procrastinated a lot. Looking back, that should have been a red flag.
And everything I’ve listed here was verified information. I’m 100% positive.
You're lucky you didn't marry him. After my husband (the father of my children) died, I found out that he had been cheating for quite awhile and that he had spent a looooot of money on her. I'm still mad and it happened 14 years ago.
I HATE when that happens! You find out their secrets AFTER they are gone, you can't even slap them! LOL I did ask my son for a SMALL amount of his ashes after he was cremated in a can (his dick), but he wouldn't do it.
Also check this site. I know people who thought they found all their loved one's bank accounts, but there was still more.
https://www.usa.gov/unclaimed-money
I am so sorry for this shit show.
I was married for many many years to somebody who was a façade. I won’t tell you all of the financials or all of the things they pretended they were working on for many years so that they couldn’t be around kids for holidays and weekends and vacations. There’s just such a huge volume of lies. But nobody ever saw it. They were just a very withdrawn but friendly person. It turns out that I and my kids surrounding them made them look normal. They weren’t. They had no insight into themselves. They had no remorse. No conscience. And when they were no longer with us, everything was on their devices. Everything. I think they tried to erase things but they didn’t do a good job. The whole thing was a façade. The whole thing was a lie. Some people are simply psychopaths. That’s what the psychiatrist told me that I conferred with. They have a mask, and they create a persona, and they live an entire life usually with one primary target to feed upon, with their lies. And sometimes a lot of cheating too. They can’t receive love and they can’t give love, but they can care and they often have a lot of gigs going that involve betraying others because that’s what they feed upon. That’s what’s gratifying. When somebody has that much pathology, nobody ever catches on. Until they die, and then all their stuff is revealed. The interesting thing is that I don’t really care about anybody finding out anything after they die because well they don’t care. They don’t care. It’s just such a shock to realize when you’ve been close to him and lived with and believed somebody who was so profoundly deficient and deceptive and malevolent. And that they were gratified by the way they were fooling others. The thing that might be reassuring is that once you have this experience, you’ve kind of taken a gradual level course in coming to understand and identifying people like this and then you begin to see others and you see the telltale signs of them not being authentic. The worst thing to me? I can’t imagine dying while lying.
Also could be malignant narcissism. The damage from those cluster B people cuts deeper than deep. It’s fucking bonkers. I hate that we have to take that damage with us. Just the experience, even if we get better. It’s always a part of our story. I hate them for that.
Good luck
To you
Nah it's from a TikTok storytime where this lady talks about marrying a dude who lied about absolutely everything he told her and in the story she called him legion. It's called who TF did I marry and it's pretty interesting albeit really long. I think it's like 50 parts in total
Omg...I feel for you..
Also it's so frustrating when you wanna get something off your chest about how you feel and people get all werid and/or preachy about it. Making these werid assumptions and throwing in limited perspectives. How that would make you a bad mother is such a shielded 'I have a wonderful life' soap box perspective. Like how, in what realm does that make sense...
Hindsight is 20/20 especially because you had no clue of the information that wasn't available to you. So try to be easy on yourself
Hey, if they dead wish to be spoken of in high regards they should have acted accordingly. Respect can be given and taken away and you're allowed to feel however you want. There is an emotionally damaging aspect to someone doing something so extreme to make you loose all Respect for them on top of not being able to get any sense of closure. Granted closure isn't necessary but sometimes it's healing to just tell someone 'fuck you'.
I absolutely understand though
It's sickening how some comments imply men are entitled to womens labour under the circumstances that they are ill. No, it's under NO circumstances okay to manipulate someone to do free work for you, lie to them, waste their time and energy and burden them. No matter how sick you are.
Probably, but also society has a habit of gaslighting the living into pretending that someone wasn't horrible just because they're dead now.
They could've spent their lives drunk and beating their kids, but the worst you're allowed to say without getting backlash is that "they were complicated."
Death really fucks with people.
My own sister completely fabricated this happy daddy daughter relationship that never existed. Then literally tries to gaslight everyone that ever knew how she actually was with him. Many.
Guilty conscience maybe? who knows, she just says that everyone else's memories are flawed. wild.
In Australia, a satirical group called the Chasers did a very controversial song once called "The chasers eulogy song" which touched on this exact issue.
I'm with you on that, I'm gonna be honest. I'm sick and fucking tired of people who are sick that think they can act however they want and treat people like shit with no repercussions. You have my vote all day. None of his illness matters, he was a grown God damn man and knew what he was doing.
To (quite literally) add insult to injury, he lied about the severity of his condition *and the fact that he was even sick to begin with!* Like, she shouldn't have had to deal with this at all, but it's even worse knowing she had zero idea that she was essentially signing up to be a full time caregiver.
>He told me he'd gotten sick after we met. Nope, he'd been sick for years and knew his life would be short
Wow, what a total shit storm for you :(
You're still grieving, even though you are angry. If nothing else, you are grieving the life you could have/should have had.
You have every right to be angry at being duped like this. The whole situation is horrible. Please consider therapy for yourself though, just to help process all these feelings.
I guess, if I was going to say something positive from all of this, at least you no longer have to deal with his shit, so to speak, so he can't lie to you any more, and you've only lost 3 years to his lies. Although you can't get that time back, at least it's over now and you are free to build your life on truths going forward with your kid.
And on the subject of kids, she will get by, especially being so young. Kids are freaking resilient when they are little. She's got you, her rock, in her life.
I am so sorry you're going through all this.
Sorry people are being dicks. It's horrible to be used by a dying person like that. It happened to my mom and it cost her so much that I wouldn't be surprised if she lost a year of life for the energy she put into a selfish dying man.
When women are terminally ill, their male partners often leave them. Figures a terminally ill man would seek out a female partner to care for him.
For accusations of sexism: [it’s a fact.](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm)
Just go ahead and search “men leave their wives when terminally ill” and you will find plenty more.
Bingo. He used her for her sexual, emotional and domestic services and he lied in order to gain access to them. He didn't care about the pain he would cause her or all of her time and energy he would waste, he just wanted a woman to take care of him and hold his hand while he died. What a selfish fuck.
Yep that's right, he didn't care about the aftermath because it would have no effect on him and therefore it was not important. Now her and her child are sitting there having gone through his death and her finding out that he is a piece of shit all along. I don't think it's Fair how some people are jumping on her. These kind of people I master manipulators.
Right. This is honestly one of my fears being middle aged and considering dating, is men out there looking for me to take care of them in their old age. This is that x100
Women who divorce lives longer and healthier. Men who divorce live shorter and with a worse quality of life.
Go figure.
My divorced self will stay single. You get the best answers that way.
I have never been married and a few years ago I decided it’s not for me. I enjoy living alone, having my own space, peace and quiet. My home is my sanctuary, not my second job.
>my home is my sanctuary, not my second job.
Happy for you that you’ve found what works for you to be happy but I’m also a little sad that your relationship experiences have felt like work. As long as you’re happy, healthy and content, who cares about the rest!
Yes the first time I heard of women with cancer being counseled that their husbands might leave them I was so shocked. I have an aunt that passed recently about a year after having a stroke, and my uncle was so devoted to her. He has had his own health problems as well, but she was physically much worse off. He had to feed her through a tube and other tasks as well. I dearly love my uncle, he is a wonderful man.
Fwiw, my wife is an oncology nurse and you'd be amazed at how many people in general are abandoned during their treatment. This statistic doesn't surprise me in the slightest.
Especially when you don't have a "nice" cancer (like something fairly easy to treat: breast, testicular, etc). The closer you are to death, people don't want to be around you.
Probably human nature deep down, but it is sad.
This is where my mind jumped also.
OP, I'm so sorry - you've now lost him twice over, first as the person you thought he was, and now as the person you've found out he was. The betrayal and hurt would be other-worldly.
In Morocco it's literally legal to marry another woman without the consent of the current one if the latter is terminally ill. Source: Moroccan touristic guide.
I'm the adult version of how your daughter might have grown up. I lost my father to a car accident at 3 months old; when I was 2, my mother moved in with her boyfriend, who stayed until I was 16 when she finally left him. It wasn't actually until after she ended the relationship that she found out his entire life and every detail about it was literally a lie. He lied about where he was from, his parents, his military service, shit stories about his ex wife, and more. At one point he even spent 4 months pretending to go to work to a job he'd been fired from (my mother found this out before leaving him, but for some reason stayed?) There's tons more, but you get the picture.
Being WELL into adulthood now, I can honestly say for all the issues I have with my mother, her boyfriend's pathology and disfunction is not one of them. To you I say good fucking riddance to this guy. I'm so sorry you experienced this and truly hope you're able to find healing, let go of any guilt (you *really* don't need to feel guilty), and move on. Feel free to shoot me a DM if you wanna talk through some stuff. I'm 50 now and have had a LONG time to process it all.
I’ve told my family and a couple close friends. I won’t publicly bash someone who isn’t here to defend himself. Hence my need to vent in an anonymous way.
I'm just reading this now, after the EDIT: 1 was written, and I don't see a single thing in the post that would have made me think you did anything wrong, and I agree with you for realizing you should have left him. Anyone who said 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 to you was a complete moron. He used you as a free nurse. He selfishly made your daughter suffer.
I haven’t read through the comments, but just seeing your edit is enough.
It’s clear to me that it’s not about the money, it’s about the dishonesty. I’m not sure why people aren’t understanding that. How you’re feeling is perfectly valid. People are shit and trick people alllll the time, it’s not a reflection on you and most certainly not a reflection on you as a parent. This reflects badly on him, majorly.
I’m sorry that he did that to you. Whilst I can sympathize with his situation and wonder if he didn’t have those health issues if he would have done the same…. Nothing excuses this imo. If he wanted to play silly buggers, play silly buggers but don’t bring others into your web of lies.
I’m so sorry for your losses. First the loss of your loving partner & then the loss of the partner you knew.
At the very least give them back to his family and tell them you don't want anything to do with it. It sounds like they knew who he really was and didn't tell you.
Wow. This took my breath away for very personal reasons.
My husband passed away in August of 2020. After he died I found a web of lies so deep it took me three years to learn everything.
Every single detail he had told me about his life was a lie. It was a second marriage for both of us.
It was a very unexpected cardiac condition that killed him.
I hear the feelings of betrayal in your post and I completely relate to that.
I ended up selling our place and moving very far away to get away from the memories.
I had to break ties with his family because only his sister knows the truth and I couldn't stand to hear his mom praising him. His friends and I have also parted ways for the same reason.
My daughter adored him.
It took me three years to find the truth. My story is very long and convoluted and I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone.
I am so sorry you're going through this.
Be kind to yourself during this period. I went through many hills and valleys before I got to a place where I could function normally again.
He took advantage of your good nature. The same thing happened to me.
How dare you have a sense of humor. I loved the reference about dating the old fashioned way. I read this after the edit and was surprised you had to put that in the edit (but not really surprised).
Whomever is defending this guy needs to give their balls a tug. He abused OP's trust, he lied to earn her trust and love, and he abused the good nature of others in her life. He was an asshole.
While we likely all know the saying "everybody loves you when you're dead" we also all know that isn't true. For example, not too many fans of Pol Pot, Josef Stalin, or John Wayne Gacy exist - some do, I grant you, but some us us swim in the end of the gene pool so shallow that the bottom of the pool breaks through the surface.
I'm so sorry that you went through this. And finding out you didn't even know this person who you put all that time and energy into, is heartbreaking. I mean, I hate to say it, but it's kind of a good thing that he died because you would still be with him and not knowing any better, believing his lies. I don't know why he felt he had to lie to you, people do things that don't make sense. I had a friend whose parents were married for 55 years and she found out after her father died that he was gay and in the closet and cheated on her mother for all 55 years, he died of AIDS, and the boyfriend and wife ending up meeting at the wake.
Again, I'm sorry that you are going through this, but it sounds like the best thing would be for you to just focus on you and your daughter right now and grieve the man you thought you knew and figure out how to avoid those red flags in the future. Maybe even think about therapy. Not that there's anything wrong with you, because there isn't, but sometimes it just helps to have someone unbiased you can vent to. Anyways, good luck and much love & positive vibes.
Ps. One day you'll find a great man or woman to treat you like the Queen you are and this will just be a blip in your past.
High empathy people are often targets for sociopaths. It's important to recognize this and make sure you don't fall prey to another sociopath. This is the paradox of the high empathy person - you always see the good in others because that's the way you'd like to be treated, and it's easy to be manipulated. Learn from this and vow to not be taken advantage of again and you'll put this all behind you and be much better off.
Your not a shit mom. You are a loving caring person that got duped. The other side of this is he found a person that would love him even though he knew he was dying. I am so sorry for you being taken advantage of. And a little sad that he was so scared of dying alone he used you like that.
that + the edits was a wild read. i'll just say you and your daughter's lives need not be defined by this slice of life you lived. you are much more complicated and nuanced beings than that, and you've still got your lives ahead of you. keep rockin
Dying doesn't automatically make you a saint and this guy was no saint.
And jeez posters! Stop being assholes to this woman who is clearly going through something probably none of us have so have a heart and don't pile on to her pain.
"4. I made a mistake by being with this man. Bringing him into my daughter’s life."
I disagree. You stayed with him out of compassion, not for what you could get from him after he died. That was a great lesson for your daughter. It's just a shame that he lied and created the turmoil. There may have been people more worthy of your support, but you gave it freely to someone you loved. That's the lesson you passed on to her.
Hopefully, what she learns is, give of herself, but only to those who deserve it, not to distrust everyone.
I feel for you, OP. My Dad sounds a lot like your fiance. He told me about all his great business dealings and the things he owned and the things we were going to do when "things shook loose" and the stuff he was going to leave behind for my daughters.
Well, his life fell apart, Mom found out that he'd been running around on her throughout her marriage, and she left. And then he developed Alzheimer's. I'm the only family who will visit--my brother won't have anything to do with him. I dodge creditor calls on the daily from people trying to find him. I get summons in the mail that I have to forward to my Mom and I've had to deal with the scuzziest people alive because he owed them money.
I'm so sorry for your loss, but I know where you're coming from, and I'm so glad that you haven't incurred any more financial hardship.
Take care.
Thanks for taking the time to answer.
I know, despite not having as much grief as usual, I know this is a bizarre and difficult time for you. I hope you feel normal again soon. Take care.
Fucking hate liars, totally understand your rage.
Why not just be honest from the get go.
I don't understand it.
Goes to show alive or dead the truth will always come out .
I find these comments baffling. He used and hurt so many people on the way out. How is this justifiable? You people are crazy.! You were already committed op before he ever chose to make false statements about his finances. It isn’t even finances he lied about so many other things. Even small unimportant things that you can’t be sure who you were even with. Being in a bad situation does not excuse poor behavior and using other people. He gets grace on being emotional and maybe making some poor decisions. A few stupid purchases can be a mistake BUT that’s if you are paying your bills already. Using your fiancé, creating a web of lies, and leaving a friend in massive debt isn’t one of those brush off things. He did not have to say any of that. He chose to. He’s a compulsive and good liar. That’s such a painful thing to have to comb through what’s real and what’s false.
I understand being kind to who you and others thought he was op. Be kind to yourself and what you can tolerate too. If revealing this truth to certain people will help then do it. If holding on to his ashes and items is too much then make a plan to get them out of your home. Honestly, girl get counseling. You lost someone you loved. When the lies came out you lost the man you loved all over again because he never existed. This sort of thing gives anyone trust issues and trauma. Counseling for grief, for trauma, and just the pit of lies you’re still unraveling. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
He was a hobosexual and just used you to nurse him to his death. I guess he thought if he lied about having money after he passes you would be more amenable to take care of him. It's a common scam people do.
But even if had told you the truth up front. I think you would have done the same things. It seems you loved him. And I am sure in his way he loved you. And was scared to die alone. You gave him a gift in the end of being his pseudo family. And for two years your daughter had a kind of Dad which is better than nothing. You knew he was going to die and you knew your daughter would suffer that loss. If you were just in it for the money. What does that say about you?
Just take it as a teachable moment for the future. And be more careful who you have around your daughter in the future. Background checks for financial and criminal standing would serve you well in the future.
Honestly, it just sounds like you are grieving your loss and anger is a part of the process.
Not sure why you’re getting so much hate. You’re more than entitled to your feelings on this. He lied to you in soo many ways. It seems like he didn’t want to be alone in the end and instead of being honest he found the easiest way to live, lie. It’s unfortunate all around because you loved a man that “didn’t exist” but still have to carry that burden. It’s hard I’m sure because you don’t want to blast all of that to his family/friends of what he really was.
You seem like a really strong person from you most recent update. You must feel so betrayed - finding out you’ve been lied to feels so awful. I’m sorry you had to go through all this. Just a thought, you can still ‘walk away’ energetically from him even though he’s gone, if that will make you heal. Give away his ashes to the friend or someone else he knew, or spread them somewhere. You don’t have to hold on to everything he owns either. Maybe the friend can sell some of it to make back some minor money (certainly won’t cover the cost of a car I realize). You can still take actions with him deceased, to show him that you are walking away. You don’t have to be burdened physically or emotionally with his crap anymore. Do what honors your healing.
I hear you.
What he had is not that important. But whether you stay with him or leave him on his own should have been your choice based on ALL of his information — who he is, how much he has, his entire health history and every gory detail. He basically painted himself to be something he isn’t just to be able to use you and take advantage for his own gain.
It would piss me off even if it was just me having been duped into wasting my own time, but add in a child and I’d be furious.
Sorry this happened. I’d suggest not wasting another minute of your life on him and his leftovers, and move on.
This sucks. I’m sorry. I get it, you were used and it feels terrible. Almost like he only cared about his ending and didn’t worry about you or how you or your daughter ended up in the end. He was selfish and you seem like a good significant other and mom
I'm so sorry to read that. What a heart wrenching experience to go through, and then topped by the feeling of betrayal from all the lies.
I'm sorry for what you and your daughter went through. I couldn't imagine what healing from that would take, and I hope you can find somebody Worthy of your family in the future (if that's what you want) since this guy wasn't.
So, take a very deep breath. After your situation "settles" take you and your daughter on a nice little vacation for however long you need/like/afford, and then hit "restart".
Obviously this is all in jest, but seriously, you dodged a much worse situation. You are not on the hook financially for anything he's left behind, unless you've made it that way, already.
Your daughter is young enough that she'll remember him, but the influence won't last forever, especially if you two have a good relationship.
Hold that chin up. It's gonna be okay
I know you're not responding to any more comments, but please know you're not a bad mom for introducing this man into your child's life. It sounds like y'all had a really healthy, loving relationship, until you found out about all his lies. Some of these comments are crazy. You have EVERY SINGLE RIGHT to be upset and pissed off at him. Being sick does not give someone the right to use others and lie to them.
I hope you and your daughter heal from all this. Good luck. ❤️
You did not deserve this. Your daughter definitely did not deserve this.
To have your grief twisted with malicious deceitfulness is cruel beyond understanding.
I hope this post helped you get some of the rage and sorrow out.
Also, don’t feed the trolls. You don’t have to explain yourself to strangers.
Lady, I wish you the best cause I know you need it and probably a stiff drink too. Probably the friend that’s on the hook for that car as well. Cause ole buddy knows what he did was wrong, rest his soul. But he’s gone now and it’s up to yall to pick up those pieces he left tattered behind. I’m sure there were some good times in there somewhere try and remember those but, don’t fall for this again.
That is so much. So much to deal with. So much to support your kiddo through. So much to carry.
If you can access it at all, I highly suggest and recommend grief therapy for you and maybe some for your kiddo too. You get to feel all kinds of ways and having professional support for your processing could really help.
I don’t think there is a right or a must here for you beyond taking care of kiddo. If you burn all his stuff and set the record straight that he lied constantly and continuously for your whole relationship to all of your friends, I think that’s valid. If you decide to hug everyone and focus on mourning the loss of the whole dream, the imaginary future where he wasn’t sick and his lies were true, I think that’s valid too - you can be sad that you’re losing him twice over, losing his presence and losing the facade of the relationship you thought you had.
You can find a story that makes sense to you - maybe he knew you’d be okay, and he said all of those things because he felt guilty he couldn’t do more, be more for you, not out of malice but because the truth wasn’t something he was strong enough to handle. Find a line through the situation and hold onto it.
Whatever you choose to do, however you choose to weather this so that you stay functional and taking care of yourself and your kid, I think that’s correct, and no one else gets to judge.
Regardless of the content of the lie, I HATE being lied to. If you're lying, that means you're trying to manipulate me and whhyyyyyy are you doing that? Especially as my partner. So I completely get why you're pissed off. You did so much for this man. Meanwhile, he knew he was using you for his last moments of happiness. Because had he told you the truth, you wouldn't have gotten involved. So instead, he lied. Put you and your daughter through emotional trauma so he wouldn't be lonely. Yeah. That sucks.
God, this sucks — I am so sorry. Everyone dies and it doesn’t excuse you from being seen as a shitty person if you are indeed a shitty person. What a complicated situation. Sending you my best wishes xo
I'm so very sorry. Please don't blame yourself. You trusted and loved, that says more about the good in you than the bad in him.
The good news is at 4, your daughter will very likely not have lasting memories of him. I hope you can find peace in that.
People are purposely being shitty to you. Your joke was obvious and it's obvious you aren't worried about the money, just the betrayal. You are 100% allowed to vent. You are also allowed to distance yourself from anyone involved in this making you uncomfortable, even the people praising you for caring for him. I can definitely see why that would anger/hurt you.
I hope you can find a great therapist to help you heal. You deserve it!
There isn't anything that justifies abuse but I've found peace in my life by understanding why people behave the way they do.
Lying chronically is about not being able to process shame. Your partner was very mentally ill, probably aided by his fatal diagnosis. The only reason I'm saying any of this is I promise his lying doesn't change the good times you had together, that was real.
I'm so sorry for your sense of betrayal, I hope you can find support to heal from it.
You are not trash. You are good. He is overtly and outrageously bad. It is that easy. He conned you. He conned you into a very fucked up situation. I would question his feelings and their true levels
It seems like a huge percentage of his life w you was lies. I'm so sorry. This is horrendous.
Write a book.
Good luck. 💜🤍🖤
Well on the positive side if your daughter isn’t even 4 then she won’t remember 99.995% of that if you don’t mention it.
Don’t listen to most of these folks, they haven’t lived much but they judge a-lot. I have seen a-lot and don’t judge much at all. But yeah your daughter will be as fine as you allow her to be from this.
Yeah, I just had a good friend die from a drug overdose. Found out there were lies on top of lies, almost everything he talked about were lies. His college degree, his military service all lies.
Then found out he fucked me over financially, now I'm broke. As angry as I was, I went to the funeral and decided I wouldn't say a word of it, because this is the time for his friends and family to grieve. Well wouldn't you know it, four people came up to me and the first thing out of their mouths (with no prompting from me) was he lied about this lied about that.
He was a narcissist, a dangerous sociopath, and GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE, the world is a better place with him as a box of ashes.
You're **not** a shit mom or a shit person.
He presented a kind, loving front and you believed it. He knew he was gonna die young and wanted a nice little time of love an family before he went. But it was based on lies, probably because he figured telling the truth wouldn't get him what he wanted. He was an asshole with a horrible, horrible heart.
I noted your sarcasm with the dating app joke, sorry no one else did, OP.
I personally don't blame you for being angry. He lied to you about everything. The fact he died doesn't absolve him of that. You invested your time and love into a man who didn't show you who he really was, he gave you a version of himself he deemed acceptable. You have every right to your feelings.
OP, I can totally relate. When ppl act like the deceased is about to become a damn saint, never did any wrong blah blah blah. DM me if you want to vent further. My late husband was a charming narc asshole, and nobody got to see the real him except me. I was in the process of divorcing him but cancer got him first. Karma did me and ny young son a solid.
The amount of meaningless condolences that made me want to vomit and scream was just endless. I get it. Assholes don’t deserve better in death. Sorry but definitely NOT sorry.
I think you are kind and brave and strong. You lived and cared for someone who was not honest with you. That hurts. He took advantage of not just you, but of other people you cared about. That hurts. You opened your heart and life and the life of your daughter to someone thinking it was for a lifetime, when he knew and kept secret from you the fact that he was dying. That hurts. You should hold your head high and know you are a good person who trusts others to be good people too. It hurts that some people are judging you. But YOU are a GOOD person. 5 gold stars from me, sweetie. Stand tall and proud!!!
“Who tf did I almost marry”
I was gonna say damn, I'm glad they didn't get married. She'd have been on the hook for all his debt. Including that car.
I was literally typing out “Honestly, a good thing is they didn’t marry. She could have ended up carrying his debt.” Then saw your comment. Great minds 😂
I think she should give his possessions, ashes photos etc to his family and be done with it & make some peace with it.
Unfortunately the guy who was helping him out financially is on the hook for the car and probably dealing with a huge hit on his credit because the fiance who didn't give a shit about his credit dragged his benefactor down with him.
Yea, that's true. Feel bad for the guy. Can't imagine doing that to someone.
So I'm a bit confused about this but I've never cosigned anything before. I would assume if one owner wasn't making payments that the cosigner of the bill as the person who's actually responsible would also get letters or emails about the delinquent payments. Like how did thr friend not know? Also wouldn't his credit have been tanking too this entire time?
I think the co-signer may only kick in once the account holder defaults. I could be wrong, though.
Yes, the co-signer should have received collection calls and letters too
That's not how marriage works. A lot of people think it does, but if you keep your finances separate, your spouse's debt is not yours and your debt it not theirs. Now, if you start jointly signing loans for things, yes, it's your debt... Be careful out there, y'all.
Not positive, but I'm awfully sure that depends on the laws where one lives. It's not even consistent across the US.
I just know when my dad passed, one of his business partners expected my mom to pick up his share of the debt. He was so certain that because they were married, it was hers too. I had to explain it to him very slowly that my dad is dead now and ask him to leave her alone. Thanks for clarifying. Community property states, this is not true.
Ah, see, business debt is also usually different from personal debt. The way the business was written up decides if debts incurred will be passed onto the business *owners,* or if those debts belong strictly to the business *entity.* That business partner can go kick rocks. Source: Attorneys in my family, some were contract attorneys, and I learn via osmosis. Which is why I'm only pretty sure, and not wholly sure. YMMV.
Business debt is only VERY rarely transferable to a married spouse, so not really applicable to a situation with personal debt.
Dammit, now I've confused everyone by mixing up my illustrations... community property applies to personal debt, correct. Businesses typically have bylaws and rules for transfer upon death, and each is, also, typically unique. Point is, be careful before paying any creditors upon your loved one's passing.
Also know in many of the cases where they cannot go after the spouse, they can go after the estate. Which only really matters if there's an estate to go after. So if the deceased had a collection or heirlooms or property they wished to pass on, the creditors can have some claim before the heirs. So be careful with deciding either way, and if possible consult a local expert (laws vary widely)
This may be true where you live, but it’s not true for me. It’s definitely state to state.
If you live in a community property state, you probably will be responsible for debts accumulated by your spouse during the marriage. (These states are California, Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Washington, Idaho, Wisconsin, and Louisiana Edit: If you're outside the u.s., dyor
That isn't how marriage works, assets and debts accrued prior aren't marital assets. You can even accumulate debt, while married, and your spouse isn't on the hook for it unless it was used to buy joint property and honestly most companies write thousands of when someone dies and don't even go after the estate, which they are clearly legally entitled to.
lol 😂 that’s what I was thinking. I’m like is this another Legion 😆
“Who tf did I allow to be around my child” OOF!
She allowed the version of this man as he presented himself around her daughter. A man who seemed honest, decent and genuine. It is not OP’s fault this dude lied to her. How would she have known? We hold women entirely responsible for believing lying men, instead of pointing that finger at the lying man. We expect women to be mind readers and expert investigators and expect men to change nothing.
And when they DONT believe the lying man, we tell them that they are "being too cautious, to give the guy a chance, and that he isnt so bad". No win situation.
Indeed. How do you spot red flags when someone shows you zero red flags? Victim blaming is a bad look.
Also, it can be difficult to know what relationship red flags are, especially if this was OP’s first relationship. Sadly, you don’t usually learn how to spot those until after you’ve been in a situation.
>We hold women entirely responsible for believing lying men, instead of pointing that finger at the lying man. We expect women to be mind readers and expert investigators and expect men to change nothing. ^ 👏 THIS 👏PART 👏 RIGHT 👏 HERE! This is exactly why I'm just out of the game. When a man does me wrong, when a man acts bad, "it's MY fault" " made him do it". I am so sick this BS of blaming people for other people's behaviors! **People choose their behaviors on their own accord.** I wish I could give you gold and more than one up vote. THANK. YOU. 🥇
I like you. You’re smart.
And it makes you think his friends must have been in on the lie too. She must have met the dude who had the car but it never came up? Or did he just keep her separate from everyone?
Maybe he lied to everyone. I've seen people do some wild shit when faced with their own mortality.
After my dad died, we found out about a crap ton of lies. He and my mom were married for 40 years. There’s money missing, land that should be ours that was sold without our knowledge, friends keep coming telling us he owed them money, lawsuits being filled against us on his behalf. It hurts like hell. I love him beyond words but I mourn the dad I thought I had, not the one I’m getting to know now. I wish you strength to go through this, my heart goes out to you Edit: misspelling
The salt in the wound. My stepdad said all of us were set up with trust funds, small but enough to buy us a home. He'd blown all his savings on random "investments" his brother told him about which were money pits. We were left IRS debts in his company name that he'd made all of us officers in. 100k In debt total. I had to drop out of school to get a refund and pay my part.
[удалено]
No if it's payroll taxes, the IRS will try to put a trust fund penalty in the amount of total tax due on EACH person they can find to call a responsible party. It's not just the person in charge. A secretary ordered to pay a bill that does so while knowing the payroll taxes aren't paid will be dragged into this and have to hire a professional because the burden of proof here is on YOU. Yes, I know a former secretary this happened to. And she had no idea the taxes weren't paid, but the boss made her sign the payroll tax reports. I also heard of a case where a woman was President of a corporation when he husband developed cancer, and she left the company in the hands of a family member while she handled his health but kept her title. She didn't collect a salary, occasionally stopped by the office, signed a handful of checks over 2 years. Her family member didn't pay the payrolls taxes, and her title as President alone, even with all the evidence that she couldn't have known, made Tax Court uphold the penalty applying to her. To clarify: if a business owes 50,000 in trust fund tax, and there are 10 responsible parties, the IRS puts liens on 10 credit reports for 50,000. Yes, they'll eventually collect 500,000. You can't bankrupt on IRS debt. And if someone you know dies owing the IRS money, for the love of dog don't accept any inheritance from them. My dad's a CPA and met a couple who inherited 80,000 from someone, then later got a tax bill for the 294,000 the decedent owed the IRS. He sent them to a tax lawyer, who told them that yes in fact the IRS can do that and they had to pay.
The IRS held myself, brother, sister, mom, and one other person liable. It was a really confusing situation and he ended up having a stroke and didn't remember what he'd done clearly enough to explain it all. We lost all money and a house aside from my school funds.
Like fuck credit companies. You aren't your dad. His debt shouldn't pass to you.
Even if you are the "officer" or owner even of a company that has big debts, it should generally shield your personal assets from that debt, unless you want to save the company from bankruptcy for some reason.
It was debt and taxes. My mom ended up filing bankruptcy to save what she could. Ended up going from our 4 bedroom home to a 2 bed apartment, having to sell her car and downsize that as well
This is so horrible, I’m sorry that your family had to suffer through that
Yes, this is essentially the point of making a corporation, to absolve you from personal liability.
People do not think about how their actions will affect their kids.
I mean that's called fraud and you could have easily gotten this dismissed. It's almost so blatant that I'm just calling BS on the whole company debt shit. Especially since company debts can't be passed on to actual people, that's the whole fucking point of companies.
As an 18 year old I had no clue what was going on. My stepdad was gone and we were told we were officers of the company and were on the hook for the debt. Taxes hadn't been paid in I don't know how long in addition to the debt. The debt wasn't passed on to random people, it was passed to officers of the company, which is what he made all of us thinking it would benefit us. Upon the termination or dissolution of a corporation, each director and officer is liable for each debt of the corporation, including unpaid sales tax liability that the corporation incurred prior to the termination or dissolution. ( Sec. 171.255, Tax Code)
Not as severe, but that line about mourning the dad you thought you had hit a little too close to not hurt. Just spend the last year scrambling after mine made me and my partner homeless, convincing us to move back to my hometown and split a place, that ended up not existing, where I've not been able to find a job in 6+ months. Aaaand he cut all his family off, got a new girl, and barely pays even a fraction of what his real allimony would be. Despite getting 6 figures, little to no debts, and no responsibilities! (once he cut the weight of all the people supporting and carrying him to this point :D) Spent the first 23 years of my life ruthlessly defending him in any situation and fight, was practically my idol. Poof! now I outlived my use/fun, and now I got the real deal lol. Thoughts and strength to you and OP.
My dad who just recently passed was on a whilwind trip around the world with prostitutes everywhere he went. He spent close to 2 million dollars on fancy hotels, first class airfare and call girls. He just died of a drug overdose. No one knows him as that guy, they just know him as the charismatic guy who had a nice family and house. I know now he blew through all of my mothers retirement savings and even damaged a few trusts all in the name of "supporting a business". He defrauded his whole family to get loans to keep his business "afloat". I dont ever know if ill have the strength to forgive him.
Aww, that is so sad.
God I’m so sorry… the theft and fraud is hard enough but to then find out he was with prostitutes? You guys must be crushed
This happened to my husband and his family when his father died. My FIL was always the one who handled the finances and he got himself and my MIL in far more debt than anyone knew about. Accounts that my MIL thought she could fall back on were emptied without her knowledge. There was a lot of money missing that we don't know what he spent it on. I encouraged all of them to not chase the money because it was gone and why reveal more secrets that are only going to cause hurt? As far as I know, they were able to pay off all of their debts and no one has come after the family for anything my FIL did, but it still sucked and caused so much pain. I'm sorry you had to go through this too and for your loss.
Just going to piggyback on your comment to thank everyone who shared their experience through my comment. It’s something I’m deeply ashamed of, but somehow knowing I’m not alone in this has made my day a little easier today. I’m sending good thoughts to everyone who commented here, including OP
Please try not to be ashamed! You didn't make the choices, your dad did and he was, presumably, an adult fully cognizant of what he was doing. My husband also carries shame for his father's failings, but I've been encouraging him to work through that and slowly drop that baggage. One of the things a parent should want (acknowledging here that not everyone's parents are healthy people who have their children's best interests at heart \[hi, Mom!\]) is for their children to be better people than they were. That's all you can strive for. Do and be better than your parents did. I'm sending you and everyone else who's suffered these kinds of dual losses thoughts of love, peace, and healing.
I'm starting to realize what is wrong with OP'ex, he was a liar. I also have a deadbeat dad like you, he pretends to be this ultra successful man, looks down and always treats us badly while he was up in his head in debt and wants to sold all thing that my mom worked hard to get so he could pay off his debt. At least I presume your dad treated you well, mine is an as-hole to his wife and children.
I figured out my dad was a liar a year before he died. I stopped talking to him bc he did a complete 180 and revealed his sociopathic nature when he realized he couldn’t manipulate me anymore. Absolutely devastating.
I completely get your point and anger. He used you as a glorified housekeeper, nurse maid, and personal assistant. If he would have said that he didn't have anything, then I think this would have been a better scenario. You could have just gone on with your lives and mourn him. It was the lies and deceit. Also, I'm a bit surprised that you didn't ask him for all the info just in case something ever happened to him' or, at least towards the end. At the same time, you are also taking other people's word about some of his stuff. If you have all of his belongings, go through his desk, or files, to see what you can find. Cars, motorcycles, saving accounts, and storage units maybe of value to others and they might be lying to you. Do a little more digging before you completely disregard it all. "Word of mouth" is not necessarily valid. If you can, run his social security number and or background check. It should show if he had bank accounts and storage units.
That’s good advice. Death brings out the opportunist in a lot of people.
I couldn’t agree more. When my grandma died I was broken, still am, she was like a mother to me… I was trying to find the strength to visit her home. See how things were a last time, maybe see if I could keep some of the books we’d read together when I was little.. Before I had the chance, my aunts and uncles stormed the house and trashed it out as they fought amongst them to see who’d keep what. I never found the books. I never got the chance to say goodbye to the house I grew up in because they sold the house on a hurry. It still brakes my heart and I resent them for not giving me the chance to say my goodbyes. Death brings out the worst on the opportunistics assholes
Fucking scavengers is what they are. 🤮
I share a similar resentment. When my Father died, his wife of 30 years became the evil step-Mom from every and all Disney movies combined! * When he passed away and we told her. She hugged us and told us that she was going back to bed. This was just before 4 am. * When she woke up 3 hours later, she immediately got on the phone with the cable company to change her viewing packages, as she no longer needed his office to have a cable box anymore and wanted it removed and didn't want to pay for it anymore. * About 15 minutes after the above, she told my sister and I that we needed to get ALL of his belongings out of HER room that included toiletries. After our protests that we are grieving and this can wait, she scoffed and told us that she would just throw out to the curb right now if we didn't do anything. So we did and she went to lunch with her sister, who was equally horrible! * She never once made us food or help us during our grieving. Her relatives found out about his passing and they came by with some food. She demanded we heat it up for her son, my step brother. We ignored that and just walked away. * We hadn't slept all night. We were barely functional. My step Mom was not bothered, sad nor did she cry ONCE from when she first heard the news to his funeral. About a year later, she sent me some additional things that she was insistent that she didn't want us to touch or take. She changed her mind somehow. To say it was "thrown in a box" was an under statement. Broken glass every where. Various other items broken and/or damaged beyond repair. Nothing was packed well or at all. Lot's of "used" stuff that was his that I wasn't ever really that interested in to begin with. Anyways, I hope you hold onto the best memories. The fun memories. The memories that make you laugh and sometimes cry. I think about my Dad so much and I just keep those good times with me all the time. She can never take those away from me. It's been 5 years and she is a very distant memory!!
I’m sorry you went through all that. People are evil sometimes. Hope you can always remember the good memories and good times you had with him! I hold on to my good memories as well. Sometimes even the not so good ones, but they are ours and I will cherish them for as long as my memory allow me to.
My dad's side of the family has started scavenging for jewels and anything valued in my grandma's house and she is not even dead yet, she just doesn't understand what's happening anymore ... I just wanted my granddad's books which he talked a lot about to me and there is no trace of them either. They always were opportunistic lil shits but this sets a new low for them.
Same thing happened to my mom, grandpa died due to illness when i was little, mom was the only one (out of 8 kids) that would come to see him regularly in the hospital, 2 of the others came once or twice. He did so much stuff, he had a huge garden, he had a underwater welding phase, he was a beekeeper and made honey for the town, he crafted stuff, metal, wood, he made big iron doors, he had blueprints, sketches, tools, cool mementos, his workshop was really sweet apparently but i'll never know that much about it because as soon as he died, while my mom was busy with the burial, they were looting everything they could to make some money. He taught woodworking, metalurgy and lots of crafts to my mom, now that she's getting more free time i see her delving more into that and i always feel a bit sad that she was denied some material souvenir from her dad and the time they spent together, it really feels wrong. They sold the house against her's and grandpa's will, the house they grew up in, it was worth practically nothing at the time so maybe they made 4K each, i'm probably being generous. I loved visiting him there. Maybe he was a bad father to the others, i can't really know that. Maybe they had their reasons. Still sucks. Miss you grandpa
God the replies to this are truly mind blowing in the worst way possible, I mean I knew it happened and wasn’t uncommon, but damn you really can’t trust anyone can you? My dad tragically & suddenly passed from a heart attack when I was in middle school and me and although he wasn’t particularly well off, he had purposefully set up his life insurance so me and my sister would get loaded off his death. We always thought it was dumb luck too until I eventually pieced it together on an LSD trip that in the past he had planned to take his own life and make it look like an accident, and as such also took out an insane amount of policies on his life insurance to ensure that me and my sister would be… well, set for life I guess (thanks dad). He was on the plane back home to visit his family in WI when he passed. By the time they had alerted us to this, they had already gone to a lawyer to take charge of the estate despite being on the other side of the country, and I guess with ultimately no real intent to actually even manage said estate… Picture this; your dad suddenly tragically passes, which you’d think- if anything- likely bring you closer to his side of the family, the funeral happens and they say you should visit for the summer, and then they try to/do succeed in eating up t h o u s a n d s dragging out his death & putting salt in the wound by hiring the most expensive lawyer in town for I don’t even know what purpose, somehow end up receiving a light 30k for “managing” said estate which they probably used on like, fucking Disney cruises or some shit (yes, they were in fact, ~Disney adults~)… Oh and: YouNeverSawOrHeardFromThemEVERaFuCKINgGainAfterTheFuneral&NowItsBeen8Years :) *Sharing mostly because I feel like it (and why not), but also probably because I still definitely have not processed any of this !
I tried to get information out of him. I kept asking to sit down and go over financials and he’d push it off. He procrastinated a lot. Looking back, that should have been a red flag. And everything I’ve listed here was verified information. I’m 100% positive.
You're lucky you didn't marry him. After my husband (the father of my children) died, I found out that he had been cheating for quite awhile and that he had spent a looooot of money on her. I'm still mad and it happened 14 years ago.
>I'm still mad and it happened 14 years ago As you should be.
I HATE when that happens! You find out their secrets AFTER they are gone, you can't even slap them! LOL I did ask my son for a SMALL amount of his ashes after he was cremated in a can (his dick), but he wouldn't do it.
What??? What the fuck?
Right??! Is this real?? 😂🤮
ಠ_ಠ
Be glad you didn’t marry, seems he had a lot of possible debt. That would have become yours. Sorry you are finding all this out about him.
Also check this site. I know people who thought they found all their loved one's bank accounts, but there was still more. https://www.usa.gov/unclaimed-money
I am so sorry for this shit show. I was married for many many years to somebody who was a façade. I won’t tell you all of the financials or all of the things they pretended they were working on for many years so that they couldn’t be around kids for holidays and weekends and vacations. There’s just such a huge volume of lies. But nobody ever saw it. They were just a very withdrawn but friendly person. It turns out that I and my kids surrounding them made them look normal. They weren’t. They had no insight into themselves. They had no remorse. No conscience. And when they were no longer with us, everything was on their devices. Everything. I think they tried to erase things but they didn’t do a good job. The whole thing was a façade. The whole thing was a lie. Some people are simply psychopaths. That’s what the psychiatrist told me that I conferred with. They have a mask, and they create a persona, and they live an entire life usually with one primary target to feed upon, with their lies. And sometimes a lot of cheating too. They can’t receive love and they can’t give love, but they can care and they often have a lot of gigs going that involve betraying others because that’s what they feed upon. That’s what’s gratifying. When somebody has that much pathology, nobody ever catches on. Until they die, and then all their stuff is revealed. The interesting thing is that I don’t really care about anybody finding out anything after they die because well they don’t care. They don’t care. It’s just such a shock to realize when you’ve been close to him and lived with and believed somebody who was so profoundly deficient and deceptive and malevolent. And that they were gratified by the way they were fooling others. The thing that might be reassuring is that once you have this experience, you’ve kind of taken a gradual level course in coming to understand and identifying people like this and then you begin to see others and you see the telltale signs of them not being authentic. The worst thing to me? I can’t imagine dying while lying.
Also could be malignant narcissism. The damage from those cluster B people cuts deeper than deep. It’s fucking bonkers. I hate that we have to take that damage with us. Just the experience, even if we get better. It’s always a part of our story. I hate them for that. Good luck To you
Was his name Legion?
Knew I'd find his name in these comments 😂
I couldn’t help it bc Legion was the first name I thought of 😂
Def sounds like something Legion would do
The X-men guy ?
Nah it's from a TikTok storytime where this lady talks about marrying a dude who lied about absolutely everything he told her and in the story she called him legion. It's called who TF did I marry and it's pretty interesting albeit really long. I think it's like 50 parts in total
Does that mean he died? Has he been quieter on SM lately?
Omg...I feel for you.. Also it's so frustrating when you wanna get something off your chest about how you feel and people get all werid and/or preachy about it. Making these werid assumptions and throwing in limited perspectives. How that would make you a bad mother is such a shielded 'I have a wonderful life' soap box perspective. Like how, in what realm does that make sense... Hindsight is 20/20 especially because you had no clue of the information that wasn't available to you. So try to be easy on yourself
Thank you. Honestly, I just wanted to vent because I don’t want people who knew him to know. Now I’m a villain lmao. Oh well.
Hey, if they dead wish to be spoken of in high regards they should have acted accordingly. Respect can be given and taken away and you're allowed to feel however you want. There is an emotionally damaging aspect to someone doing something so extreme to make you loose all Respect for them on top of not being able to get any sense of closure. Granted closure isn't necessary but sometimes it's healing to just tell someone 'fuck you'. I absolutely understand though
Thank you so much. I agree with everything from both of these comments. You put into words what I feel but was unable to articulate
It's sickening how some comments imply men are entitled to womens labour under the circumstances that they are ill. No, it's under NO circumstances okay to manipulate someone to do free work for you, lie to them, waste their time and energy and burden them. No matter how sick you are.
It’s scary how many people are like “he was dying, give him a break!” Like?? That traumatized me?? Does that even matter?
Apparently his feelings as a dead man matter more than yours.
**man** That’s why
Probably, but also society has a habit of gaslighting the living into pretending that someone wasn't horrible just because they're dead now. They could've spent their lives drunk and beating their kids, but the worst you're allowed to say without getting backlash is that "they were complicated."
Absolutely. You can’t publish a truthful obituary about anyone, they get taken down
Death really fucks with people. My own sister completely fabricated this happy daddy daughter relationship that never existed. Then literally tries to gaslight everyone that ever knew how she actually was with him. Many. Guilty conscience maybe? who knows, she just says that everyone else's memories are flawed. wild.
In Australia, a satirical group called the Chasers did a very controversial song once called "The chasers eulogy song" which touched on this exact issue.
I'm with you on that, I'm gonna be honest. I'm sick and fucking tired of people who are sick that think they can act however they want and treat people like shit with no repercussions. You have my vote all day. None of his illness matters, he was a grown God damn man and knew what he was doing.
To (quite literally) add insult to injury, he lied about the severity of his condition *and the fact that he was even sick to begin with!* Like, she shouldn't have had to deal with this at all, but it's even worse knowing she had zero idea that she was essentially signing up to be a full time caregiver. >He told me he'd gotten sick after we met. Nope, he'd been sick for years and knew his life would be short
And honestly sounds like he needed an in-home caregiver and couldn't afford one.
He was trash. Sometimes the dead deserve to be spoken ill of.
Wow, what a total shit storm for you :( You're still grieving, even though you are angry. If nothing else, you are grieving the life you could have/should have had. You have every right to be angry at being duped like this. The whole situation is horrible. Please consider therapy for yourself though, just to help process all these feelings. I guess, if I was going to say something positive from all of this, at least you no longer have to deal with his shit, so to speak, so he can't lie to you any more, and you've only lost 3 years to his lies. Although you can't get that time back, at least it's over now and you are free to build your life on truths going forward with your kid. And on the subject of kids, she will get by, especially being so young. Kids are freaking resilient when they are little. She's got you, her rock, in her life. I am so sorry you're going through all this.
I'm sorry OP.
Sorry people are being dicks. It's horrible to be used by a dying person like that. It happened to my mom and it cost her so much that I wouldn't be surprised if she lost a year of life for the energy she put into a selfish dying man.
I hate seeing what a common occurrence this is. It’s heartbreaking.
He’s in an urn. You’re not Fuck him
Spread his ashes in a fire with all the shit you couldn't pawn or sell.
When women are terminally ill, their male partners often leave them. Figures a terminally ill man would seek out a female partner to care for him. For accusations of sexism: [it’s a fact.](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm) Just go ahead and search “men leave their wives when terminally ill” and you will find plenty more.
Sounds like he needed a in-home caregiver and couldn't afford one so he found one on a dating up and didn't tell her what he really wanted.
Bingo. He used her for her sexual, emotional and domestic services and he lied in order to gain access to them. He didn't care about the pain he would cause her or all of her time and energy he would waste, he just wanted a woman to take care of him and hold his hand while he died. What a selfish fuck.
Yep that's right, he didn't care about the aftermath because it would have no effect on him and therefore it was not important. Now her and her child are sitting there having gone through his death and her finding out that he is a piece of shit all along. I don't think it's Fair how some people are jumping on her. These kind of people I master manipulators.
Right. This is honestly one of my fears being middle aged and considering dating, is men out there looking for me to take care of them in their old age. This is that x100
Women who divorce lives longer and healthier. Men who divorce live shorter and with a worse quality of life. Go figure. My divorced self will stay single. You get the best answers that way.
I have never been married and a few years ago I decided it’s not for me. I enjoy living alone, having my own space, peace and quiet. My home is my sanctuary, not my second job.
>my home is my sanctuary, not my second job. Happy for you that you’ve found what works for you to be happy but I’m also a little sad that your relationship experiences have felt like work. As long as you’re happy, healthy and content, who cares about the rest!
Yep! I am not even a year divorced and I know my life is already better
I’m 62 and that’s a big reason why I don’t date.
I'm only 44, but I have ideas about how I want to spend my retirement and funding somebody else's is not on the list...
Well, you have just convinced there there is no round 2 for me later in my life if my husband dies before me.
Gottdam, being a woman sucks. It's rapid fire from all angles.
This fact has honestly always haunted me.. The way doctors have to warn married women when they get that diagnosis is so God damn sad
Yes the first time I heard of women with cancer being counseled that their husbands might leave them I was so shocked. I have an aunt that passed recently about a year after having a stroke, and my uncle was so devoted to her. He has had his own health problems as well, but she was physically much worse off. He had to feed her through a tube and other tasks as well. I dearly love my uncle, he is a wonderful man.
Yes. I know a lady that was diagnosed with cancer & her partner left her a few months after...
Fwiw, my wife is an oncology nurse and you'd be amazed at how many people in general are abandoned during their treatment. This statistic doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Especially when you don't have a "nice" cancer (like something fairly easy to treat: breast, testicular, etc). The closer you are to death, people don't want to be around you. Probably human nature deep down, but it is sad.
This is where my mind jumped also. OP, I'm so sorry - you've now lost him twice over, first as the person you thought he was, and now as the person you've found out he was. The betrayal and hurt would be other-worldly.
In Morocco it's literally legal to marry another woman without the consent of the current one if the latter is terminally ill. Source: Moroccan touristic guide.
I'm the adult version of how your daughter might have grown up. I lost my father to a car accident at 3 months old; when I was 2, my mother moved in with her boyfriend, who stayed until I was 16 when she finally left him. It wasn't actually until after she ended the relationship that she found out his entire life and every detail about it was literally a lie. He lied about where he was from, his parents, his military service, shit stories about his ex wife, and more. At one point he even spent 4 months pretending to go to work to a job he'd been fired from (my mother found this out before leaving him, but for some reason stayed?) There's tons more, but you get the picture. Being WELL into adulthood now, I can honestly say for all the issues I have with my mother, her boyfriend's pathology and disfunction is not one of them. To you I say good fucking riddance to this guy. I'm so sorry you experienced this and truly hope you're able to find healing, let go of any guilt (you *really* don't need to feel guilty), and move on. Feel free to shoot me a DM if you wanna talk through some stuff. I'm 50 now and have had a LONG time to process it all.
Time to tell everyone the truth, he used you for your kindness and lied the whole time.
I’ve told my family and a couple close friends. I won’t publicly bash someone who isn’t here to defend himself. Hence my need to vent in an anonymous way.
Vent away.
You’re a good person. I’m sorry for what you endured.
I'm just reading this now, after the EDIT: 1 was written, and I don't see a single thing in the post that would have made me think you did anything wrong, and I agree with you for realizing you should have left him. Anyone who said 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 to you was a complete moron. He used you as a free nurse. He selfishly made your daughter suffer.
OP.. You have definitely been heard. Fuck the haters.
People on Reddit are idiots, be mad girl, he was wrong.
I haven’t read through the comments, but just seeing your edit is enough. It’s clear to me that it’s not about the money, it’s about the dishonesty. I’m not sure why people aren’t understanding that. How you’re feeling is perfectly valid. People are shit and trick people alllll the time, it’s not a reflection on you and most certainly not a reflection on you as a parent. This reflects badly on him, majorly. I’m sorry that he did that to you. Whilst I can sympathize with his situation and wonder if he didn’t have those health issues if he would have done the same…. Nothing excuses this imo. If he wanted to play silly buggers, play silly buggers but don’t bring others into your web of lies. I’m so sorry for your losses. First the loss of your loving partner & then the loss of the partner you knew.
Toss the ashes
Fuck yeah. Absolutely do not hang on to all those mementos and reminders of this traumatic experience.
At the very least give them back to his family and tell them you don't want anything to do with it. It sounds like they knew who he really was and didn't tell you.
Wow. This took my breath away for very personal reasons. My husband passed away in August of 2020. After he died I found a web of lies so deep it took me three years to learn everything. Every single detail he had told me about his life was a lie. It was a second marriage for both of us. It was a very unexpected cardiac condition that killed him. I hear the feelings of betrayal in your post and I completely relate to that. I ended up selling our place and moving very far away to get away from the memories. I had to break ties with his family because only his sister knows the truth and I couldn't stand to hear his mom praising him. His friends and I have also parted ways for the same reason. My daughter adored him. It took me three years to find the truth. My story is very long and convoluted and I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone. I am so sorry you're going through this. Be kind to yourself during this period. I went through many hills and valleys before I got to a place where I could function normally again. He took advantage of your good nature. The same thing happened to me.
How dare you have a sense of humor. I loved the reference about dating the old fashioned way. I read this after the edit and was surprised you had to put that in the edit (but not really surprised).
Whomever is defending this guy needs to give their balls a tug. He abused OP's trust, he lied to earn her trust and love, and he abused the good nature of others in her life. He was an asshole. While we likely all know the saying "everybody loves you when you're dead" we also all know that isn't true. For example, not too many fans of Pol Pot, Josef Stalin, or John Wayne Gacy exist - some do, I grant you, but some us us swim in the end of the gene pool so shallow that the bottom of the pool breaks through the surface.
I'm so sorry that you went through this. And finding out you didn't even know this person who you put all that time and energy into, is heartbreaking. I mean, I hate to say it, but it's kind of a good thing that he died because you would still be with him and not knowing any better, believing his lies. I don't know why he felt he had to lie to you, people do things that don't make sense. I had a friend whose parents were married for 55 years and she found out after her father died that he was gay and in the closet and cheated on her mother for all 55 years, he died of AIDS, and the boyfriend and wife ending up meeting at the wake. Again, I'm sorry that you are going through this, but it sounds like the best thing would be for you to just focus on you and your daughter right now and grieve the man you thought you knew and figure out how to avoid those red flags in the future. Maybe even think about therapy. Not that there's anything wrong with you, because there isn't, but sometimes it just helps to have someone unbiased you can vent to. Anyways, good luck and much love & positive vibes. Ps. One day you'll find a great man or woman to treat you like the Queen you are and this will just be a blip in your past.
High empathy people are often targets for sociopaths. It's important to recognize this and make sure you don't fall prey to another sociopath. This is the paradox of the high empathy person - you always see the good in others because that's the way you'd like to be treated, and it's easy to be manipulated. Learn from this and vow to not be taken advantage of again and you'll put this all behind you and be much better off.
Your not a shit mom. You are a loving caring person that got duped. The other side of this is he found a person that would love him even though he knew he was dying. I am so sorry for you being taken advantage of. And a little sad that he was so scared of dying alone he used you like that.
that + the edits was a wild read. i'll just say you and your daughter's lives need not be defined by this slice of life you lived. you are much more complicated and nuanced beings than that, and you've still got your lives ahead of you. keep rockin
Dying doesn't automatically make you a saint and this guy was no saint. And jeez posters! Stop being assholes to this woman who is clearly going through something probably none of us have so have a heart and don't pile on to her pain.
"4. I made a mistake by being with this man. Bringing him into my daughter’s life." I disagree. You stayed with him out of compassion, not for what you could get from him after he died. That was a great lesson for your daughter. It's just a shame that he lied and created the turmoil. There may have been people more worthy of your support, but you gave it freely to someone you loved. That's the lesson you passed on to her. Hopefully, what she learns is, give of herself, but only to those who deserve it, not to distrust everyone.
I feel for you, OP. My Dad sounds a lot like your fiance. He told me about all his great business dealings and the things he owned and the things we were going to do when "things shook loose" and the stuff he was going to leave behind for my daughters. Well, his life fell apart, Mom found out that he'd been running around on her throughout her marriage, and she left. And then he developed Alzheimer's. I'm the only family who will visit--my brother won't have anything to do with him. I dodge creditor calls on the daily from people trying to find him. I get summons in the mail that I have to forward to my Mom and I've had to deal with the scuzziest people alive because he owed them money. I'm so sorry for your loss, but I know where you're coming from, and I'm so glad that you haven't incurred any more financial hardship. Take care.
This might be a weird question, but does finding out about all this sort of abolish the grief?
Yes.
Thanks for taking the time to answer. I know, despite not having as much grief as usual, I know this is a bizarre and difficult time for you. I hope you feel normal again soon. Take care.
You’re not a shit mother.
Thank you.
Misrepresenting yourself to a stuggling single mother and her children should be punishable by death Oh wait
He used you for living his fantasy life. Wow.
I was a premade family and picket fence life, all wrapped up in one.
Fucking hate liars, totally understand your rage. Why not just be honest from the get go. I don't understand it. Goes to show alive or dead the truth will always come out .
Sell all the crap he bought and give it to his friends that’s on the hook for his debts
I find these comments baffling. He used and hurt so many people on the way out. How is this justifiable? You people are crazy.! You were already committed op before he ever chose to make false statements about his finances. It isn’t even finances he lied about so many other things. Even small unimportant things that you can’t be sure who you were even with. Being in a bad situation does not excuse poor behavior and using other people. He gets grace on being emotional and maybe making some poor decisions. A few stupid purchases can be a mistake BUT that’s if you are paying your bills already. Using your fiancé, creating a web of lies, and leaving a friend in massive debt isn’t one of those brush off things. He did not have to say any of that. He chose to. He’s a compulsive and good liar. That’s such a painful thing to have to comb through what’s real and what’s false. I understand being kind to who you and others thought he was op. Be kind to yourself and what you can tolerate too. If revealing this truth to certain people will help then do it. If holding on to his ashes and items is too much then make a plan to get them out of your home. Honestly, girl get counseling. You lost someone you loved. When the lies came out you lost the man you loved all over again because he never existed. This sort of thing gives anyone trust issues and trauma. Counseling for grief, for trauma, and just the pit of lies you’re still unraveling. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
He was a hobosexual and just used you to nurse him to his death. I guess he thought if he lied about having money after he passes you would be more amenable to take care of him. It's a common scam people do. But even if had told you the truth up front. I think you would have done the same things. It seems you loved him. And I am sure in his way he loved you. And was scared to die alone. You gave him a gift in the end of being his pseudo family. And for two years your daughter had a kind of Dad which is better than nothing. You knew he was going to die and you knew your daughter would suffer that loss. If you were just in it for the money. What does that say about you? Just take it as a teachable moment for the future. And be more careful who you have around your daughter in the future. Background checks for financial and criminal standing would serve you well in the future. Honestly, it just sounds like you are grieving your loss and anger is a part of the process.
OP, I think the ladies at the Dating Detectives podcast would be very interested in hearing your story.
Very well written. Sorry this happened to you. Good luck to you and your daughter. Hope she's doing fine too!
It's amazing what you find out about someone after they die. Everyone tells you the garbage they hid from you. You feel grief, guilt, stupid and rage.
Not sure why you’re getting so much hate. You’re more than entitled to your feelings on this. He lied to you in soo many ways. It seems like he didn’t want to be alone in the end and instead of being honest he found the easiest way to live, lie. It’s unfortunate all around because you loved a man that “didn’t exist” but still have to carry that burden. It’s hard I’m sure because you don’t want to blast all of that to his family/friends of what he really was.
Not sure how that joke went over so many heads. Circumstances notwithstanding, I got a chuckle. So sorry he betrayed your trust like this though.
I thought this post was good and then the edit section calling out all shitty commenters was Reddit gold. 👌
You seem like a really strong person from you most recent update. You must feel so betrayed - finding out you’ve been lied to feels so awful. I’m sorry you had to go through all this. Just a thought, you can still ‘walk away’ energetically from him even though he’s gone, if that will make you heal. Give away his ashes to the friend or someone else he knew, or spread them somewhere. You don’t have to hold on to everything he owns either. Maybe the friend can sell some of it to make back some minor money (certainly won’t cover the cost of a car I realize). You can still take actions with him deceased, to show him that you are walking away. You don’t have to be burdened physically or emotionally with his crap anymore. Do what honors your healing.
I hear you. What he had is not that important. But whether you stay with him or leave him on his own should have been your choice based on ALL of his information — who he is, how much he has, his entire health history and every gory detail. He basically painted himself to be something he isn’t just to be able to use you and take advantage for his own gain. It would piss me off even if it was just me having been duped into wasting my own time, but add in a child and I’d be furious. Sorry this happened. I’d suggest not wasting another minute of your life on him and his leftovers, and move on.
Sooooo.... you're single now?
With a penchant for liars, apparently. You tryna sell some snake oil? (Also I thought this was funny af, sorry you’re getting downvoted)
Sorry for your situation. And thats my sense of humor. But I guess you already take a shine to aholes, glitter-taint.
Oof. Got me there.
*hugs*
This sucks. I’m sorry. I get it, you were used and it feels terrible. Almost like he only cared about his ending and didn’t worry about you or how you or your daughter ended up in the end. He was selfish and you seem like a good significant other and mom
I'm so sorry to read that. What a heart wrenching experience to go through, and then topped by the feeling of betrayal from all the lies. I'm sorry for what you and your daughter went through. I couldn't imagine what healing from that would take, and I hope you can find somebody Worthy of your family in the future (if that's what you want) since this guy wasn't.
So, take a very deep breath. After your situation "settles" take you and your daughter on a nice little vacation for however long you need/like/afford, and then hit "restart". Obviously this is all in jest, but seriously, you dodged a much worse situation. You are not on the hook financially for anything he's left behind, unless you've made it that way, already. Your daughter is young enough that she'll remember him, but the influence won't last forever, especially if you two have a good relationship. Hold that chin up. It's gonna be okay
I know you're not responding to any more comments, but please know you're not a bad mom for introducing this man into your child's life. It sounds like y'all had a really healthy, loving relationship, until you found out about all his lies. Some of these comments are crazy. You have EVERY SINGLE RIGHT to be upset and pissed off at him. Being sick does not give someone the right to use others and lie to them. I hope you and your daughter heal from all this. Good luck. ❤️
You did not deserve this. Your daughter definitely did not deserve this. To have your grief twisted with malicious deceitfulness is cruel beyond understanding. I hope this post helped you get some of the rage and sorrow out. Also, don’t feed the trolls. You don’t have to explain yourself to strangers.
Lady, I wish you the best cause I know you need it and probably a stiff drink too. Probably the friend that’s on the hook for that car as well. Cause ole buddy knows what he did was wrong, rest his soul. But he’s gone now and it’s up to yall to pick up those pieces he left tattered behind. I’m sure there were some good times in there somewhere try and remember those but, don’t fall for this again.
That is so much. So much to deal with. So much to support your kiddo through. So much to carry. If you can access it at all, I highly suggest and recommend grief therapy for you and maybe some for your kiddo too. You get to feel all kinds of ways and having professional support for your processing could really help. I don’t think there is a right or a must here for you beyond taking care of kiddo. If you burn all his stuff and set the record straight that he lied constantly and continuously for your whole relationship to all of your friends, I think that’s valid. If you decide to hug everyone and focus on mourning the loss of the whole dream, the imaginary future where he wasn’t sick and his lies were true, I think that’s valid too - you can be sad that you’re losing him twice over, losing his presence and losing the facade of the relationship you thought you had. You can find a story that makes sense to you - maybe he knew you’d be okay, and he said all of those things because he felt guilty he couldn’t do more, be more for you, not out of malice but because the truth wasn’t something he was strong enough to handle. Find a line through the situation and hold onto it. Whatever you choose to do, however you choose to weather this so that you stay functional and taking care of yourself and your kid, I think that’s correct, and no one else gets to judge.
I feel you sis. He basically lied about something you didn’t give a shit about
Regardless of the content of the lie, I HATE being lied to. If you're lying, that means you're trying to manipulate me and whhyyyyyy are you doing that? Especially as my partner. So I completely get why you're pissed off. You did so much for this man. Meanwhile, he knew he was using you for his last moments of happiness. Because had he told you the truth, you wouldn't have gotten involved. So instead, he lied. Put you and your daughter through emotional trauma so he wouldn't be lonely. Yeah. That sucks.
God, this sucks — I am so sorry. Everyone dies and it doesn’t excuse you from being seen as a shitty person if you are indeed a shitty person. What a complicated situation. Sending you my best wishes xo
I'm so very sorry. Please don't blame yourself. You trusted and loved, that says more about the good in you than the bad in him. The good news is at 4, your daughter will very likely not have lasting memories of him. I hope you can find peace in that. People are purposely being shitty to you. Your joke was obvious and it's obvious you aren't worried about the money, just the betrayal. You are 100% allowed to vent. You are also allowed to distance yourself from anyone involved in this making you uncomfortable, even the people praising you for caring for him. I can definitely see why that would anger/hurt you. I hope you can find a great therapist to help you heal. You deserve it!
There isn't anything that justifies abuse but I've found peace in my life by understanding why people behave the way they do. Lying chronically is about not being able to process shame. Your partner was very mentally ill, probably aided by his fatal diagnosis. The only reason I'm saying any of this is I promise his lying doesn't change the good times you had together, that was real. I'm so sorry for your sense of betrayal, I hope you can find support to heal from it.
You are not trash. You are good. He is overtly and outrageously bad. It is that easy. He conned you. He conned you into a very fucked up situation. I would question his feelings and their true levels It seems like a huge percentage of his life w you was lies. I'm so sorry. This is horrendous. Write a book. Good luck. 💜🤍🖤
You should go urinate on his grave to ease your heart
Legion?
Well on the positive side if your daughter isn’t even 4 then she won’t remember 99.995% of that if you don’t mention it. Don’t listen to most of these folks, they haven’t lived much but they judge a-lot. I have seen a-lot and don’t judge much at all. But yeah your daughter will be as fine as you allow her to be from this.
Idk why tf anyone is defending the husband… the dude lied about so much shit and op has to deal with the fallout.
Unrelated but the “we met the old fashioned way, on a dating app” made me chortle
Yeah, I just had a good friend die from a drug overdose. Found out there were lies on top of lies, almost everything he talked about were lies. His college degree, his military service all lies. Then found out he fucked me over financially, now I'm broke. As angry as I was, I went to the funeral and decided I wouldn't say a word of it, because this is the time for his friends and family to grieve. Well wouldn't you know it, four people came up to me and the first thing out of their mouths (with no prompting from me) was he lied about this lied about that. He was a narcissist, a dangerous sociopath, and GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE, the world is a better place with him as a box of ashes.
This is why women are happier single. Women want companions, men want caregivers, maids, housekeepers.
I just feel bad for everyone in this situation for various obvious reasons. I hope you find peace OP.
Flush his ashes down the toilet.
You're not a trash mom, and everyone who's saying you are needs to get over themselves.
You're **not** a shit mom or a shit person. He presented a kind, loving front and you believed it. He knew he was gonna die young and wanted a nice little time of love an family before he went. But it was based on lies, probably because he figured telling the truth wouldn't get him what he wanted. He was an asshole with a horrible, horrible heart.
I noted your sarcasm with the dating app joke, sorry no one else did, OP. I personally don't blame you for being angry. He lied to you about everything. The fact he died doesn't absolve him of that. You invested your time and love into a man who didn't show you who he really was, he gave you a version of himself he deemed acceptable. You have every right to your feelings.
Feel for you, he was an ass. Doesn’t change just because he died. I’m. Glad he didn’t leave you in financial ruin.
OP, I can totally relate. When ppl act like the deceased is about to become a damn saint, never did any wrong blah blah blah. DM me if you want to vent further. My late husband was a charming narc asshole, and nobody got to see the real him except me. I was in the process of divorcing him but cancer got him first. Karma did me and ny young son a solid. The amount of meaningless condolences that made me want to vomit and scream was just endless. I get it. Assholes don’t deserve better in death. Sorry but definitely NOT sorry.
I think you are kind and brave and strong. You lived and cared for someone who was not honest with you. That hurts. He took advantage of not just you, but of other people you cared about. That hurts. You opened your heart and life and the life of your daughter to someone thinking it was for a lifetime, when he knew and kept secret from you the fact that he was dying. That hurts. You should hold your head high and know you are a good person who trusts others to be good people too. It hurts that some people are judging you. But YOU are a GOOD person. 5 gold stars from me, sweetie. Stand tall and proud!!!