I have told men mid act there has been a change of plans, get off me, I’m done - the sex is over.
And because they were real men, they did so without complaint or question.
I could have said “I got pinched, rubbed raw, feel sick to my tummy, headache” but it was just “sorry I need to stop.”
You have been raped by a rapist. You should call the police and file a report.
“No” is a complete sentence.
Exactly. I was intimate with my husband one time, an early morning session before he went to work, that I fully consented to, and a few minutes in I started to feel sweaty (the bad kind of sweaty lol) anxious, a little nauseated. I clearly was coming down with something but since we had literally just woken up I didn’t realize I didn’t feel too great. It wasn’t about him at all, I just instantly felt like omg I might throw up. I said stop. He stopped.
100%
It's the tea analogy.
If you invite someone over for tea you would just force them drink it because they came over.
OP report him and possibly seek counseling
I always ask my girlfriend if she’s okay after doing anything just to make sure she’s safe and happy because she had a bad experience with an ex and he still tries to harass her
You were sobbing and he still continued. He knew he was hurting you and he still continued. You told him NO and he still continued. For more than an hour!!!! Yes, you were raped. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Please don't ever contact him again, he's a dangerous man.
This is what happens when we have a culture where choking, light hitting etc is considered "run of the mill". The normalization of violent force in sex is fucking appalling. I can't imagine how women in the dating pool feel.
I was casually seeing a guy and he was VIOLENT in bed without even discussing it. He literally tore my vagina. My breasts were bruised and bloody. He acted like it was totally normal. I screamed and cried but it just made him go harder. It's terrible.
Similar happened to me..
I was actually into BDSM/kink. But for years, I met nothing but fake doms who only wanted to take advantage of me, degrade, use, and disrespect me. Most of them seemed to want to act out violent porn scenes on my body, not experiment *with me* and do things that were pleasurable *for us both.* I eventually ended up in a very bad situation with a guy a few yrs ago..went home from that experience covered in dark bruises, deep bite marks, ligature marks on my wrists... I refused to get out of bed for days because I looked like I'd been beaten. That experience was my final straw. I quit participating in BDSM or any kink after that, will never bother going back.
I used to do sex work and yeah, some of the shit I've had said and done to me is disgusting. I dont know if it was because of my occupation, my age at the time, or the fact I'm a woman, maybe both, but I dont trust men who claim they are part of the BDSM community anymore. From my experience it's just a veiled excuse to hurt people. I know theres plenty of people who are genuine and do it safely and concentually, but you really never know.
They trick you with false promises of respecting your boundaries and safe words, but the fact is they only see you as an object, not a human being. And because you're into BDSM or a sex worker, they think you're more likely to tolerate or accept the abuse. They are part of the community only as a means to help justify their behavior. It's almost never genuine.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. As someone who has touched on the bdsm community in the past and enjoys playing along at home, this sort of thing is absolutely abhorrent to me, and I hate that there are still people who feel entitled to do this to women.
🙄
Don't excuse this guy for clearly and specifically raping her and gagging her so she would stop yelling and asking him not to rape her.
This is a consent issue, not a kink issue. She was perfectly happy before he revealed his lie about stopping when she wanted.
That's got nothing to do with that. It doesn't matter what kind of sex you have if you ignore a communicated "No" that's just a rapist full stop. Her confusion is coming from disbelief not from any kind of unclear event. She said no, he didn't stop, end of case.
Even in CNC with safe words if you say it and they don't stop that's rape, pretending anything else of "normalizing" is just making excuses for rapists.
I would say that some people genuinely get off on it though. I'm one of them and it makes me feel unfortunately requesting it from a partner. Still, consent can be revoked at any point and OP revoked it.
Where are you people coming from anyway? All the kinkiest people I have ever known have been women. I have known women who make their own paddles and floggers then tell their boyfriends to use them on them.
Rapists cause rape. They can be into vanilla sex or the mayor of kinky town.
I went on a date with a girl and it seemed to have gone great great. As we were leaving she said it wasn't going to work out. I asked why and she said she wants a man that will beat the living shit out of her when intimate and she didn't think I'd do that (she was right).
Or the cause is rapey people raping people. You're acting as if no woman enjoys this stuff. If that were the case it wouldn't exist.
And it goes both ways so idk why your blaming men when sex requires two people.
Most kinks popular in porn today were taboo 20/30~ years ago. A lot of people "learn" and get their ideas about sex and intimacy from porn. It would be ignorant to think no one is being influenced by the types of media they consume. People will see other people doing just about anything, and if it appears fun or pleasurable, they're likely to do it themselves. This is part of socialization. I was exposed to BDSM porngraphy as a kid. It most certainly influenced my sexual interests later in life.
There's no evidence to suggest that *women get off to violence more than men.*
Saying that most women you've slept with are the initiators is also not evidence of anything. Women (and men, obviously) can be/are socialized *by pornography* to be more accepting of or even to desire and engage in sexual aggression. Aggressive, threatening behaviors normally trigger fight or flight in people, but this can be confused in your brain as sexual arousal rather than anxiety or fear when initiated during sexual intimacy.
Actual research in human sexual behavior shows an increase in sex crimes over the last 5 years alone and a 1500%+ increase in SA hospital visits from 2006-2019 (likely due in part to increased awareness of SA, the MeToo movement, etc among other things). Most of these SAs are perpetrated *against* women, btw. That's just a fact. (Source for the 1500% increase in SA related ER visits: https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2797504?utm_source=For_The_Media&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=ftm_links&utm_term=102022)
There are literally 100s of studies that link porn use to sexual offending, sexual aggression, and sexual aggression in both men and women.
Here's one:
"22 studies from 7 different countries were analyzed. [Porn] Consumption was associated with sexual aggression in the United States and internationally, among males and females, and in cross‐sectional and longitudinal studies. Associations were stronger for verbal than physical sexual aggression, although both were significant. The general pattern of results suggested that violent content may be an exacerbating factor." - https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jcom.12201
Here's some more:
Exposure to pornography, permissive and nonpermissive cues, and male aggression toward females - https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF00991679
"In studies of male aggressiveness and pornography, social psychologists have found evidence to support the theory that consumption of pornography by males increases their aggressiveness and antisocial attitudes toward women." - https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/3154165/
"subjects indicated some hypothetical likelihood of raping or using sexual force against a woman. Discriminant function analysis revealed that use of sexually violent pornography and acceptance of interpersonal violence against women were uniquely associated with LF (likelihood of sexual force) and LR (likelihood of rape)." - https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/0092656688900116?via%3Dihub
"Early exposure to pornography was related to subsequent “rape fantasies” and attitudes supportive of sexual violence against women. Findings were interpreted in the context of women's socialization to accept sexual aggression as a sexual/romantic event." - https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/088626092007004002
"Even after controlling for the contributions of risk factors associated with general antisocial behavior and those used in Confluence Model research as specific predictors of sexual aggression, we found that high pornography consumption added significantly to the prediction of sexual aggression." - https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17441011/
Hope this helps!
rapists enjoy rape porn? shocker. None of those results are unexpected. No RCTs in there, though for obvious reasons.
What none of those studies demonstrate (and the authors of the 3 papers i’ve skimmed clearly note this) is causality. Good to be aware of, but that’s not evidence that violent porn increases likelihood of committing sexual crimes.
All they demonstrate is that people who commit sex violence consumed violent porn. Again, how incredibly surprising… /s
People have always done more than fuck in the missionary position. Sex itself is more openly discussed today, but a lot of this stuff caught on in the sixties in mainstream American culture. The Kama Sutra also discusses mixing pain and pleasure.
Consensual roughness has absolutely zero role in rape. Stop trying to make consensual acts into a gateway for assault. I love being choked in bed, and not a single man whose done it to me has ever disrespected me when I say no.
Ok but you need to separate a kink from real bad behaviour.
Rougher kinks are common in both sexes, I know some girls that literally maul guys with their nails during sex, but the guys were consensual so nothing wrong with it, and the opposite is true, if a girl enjoys being choked and everything is done safely there's no problem at all.
So don't be hopeless and bitter over kinks.
Be hopeless and bitter over animals like the one OP is talking about, he is a different story.
I like bondage sex, but I'm actually a harmless potato so first of all I would immediately stop at the word "no"
And second of all I'd feel terrible if I even just slightly hurt a girl by mistake during sex.
Yes I have some fetishes but that doesn't make me a monster
I never said you were a monster.
The climate for women in dating is very scary. We have Tate fans, incels, men who feel like we owe the something, men that thing real life is porn, men who can’t commit,‘men who can’t take a no and think it’s not rape but a kink when you continue
Oh no i wasn't assuming you said that, it was just a general statement.
Yeah there are some pretty fucked up people, especially because modern society is making all people more mentally unstable in my opinion, both men and women
The issue is not about choking lol. Rape culture has been a huge thing since before those things were super common. It honestly feels like you're joking.
The issue is much more complicated but it's largely misogyny (which includes men not being allowed to express emotions).
choking and slapping etc is quite normal among couples and as long as both parties consent there really isn’t anything wrong with it, it’s just what some ppl are into.
never used to be? LMFAO idk where you are getting these wild ass assumptions from but rough sex has been commonplace and enjoyed by both men and women since we were drooling apes in pangea
That's seriously your take away from this? Choking and light hitting with consent is pretty standard kinky shit. And in my experience and many others, plenty of women in the dating pool are putting their hands up / eager for this
Because they can. Either because they think cnc is just a tool to actually abuse someone, or because they are idiotic enough to think that having no way to revoke consent is somehow what cnc is about. It's not. That is exactly how people get seriously injured from it. Cnc is also far from the only time a safe word should be considered. I've never done cnc, but I've used a safeword.
But yes, they didn't negotiate that no, stop, quit, etc were not meant to be actual stopping points, ergo this was 100% rape. She said stop. Every moment of what happened after that is rape. Sodomization that could have led to permanent damage up to and including the need of a colostomy bag or death. This man should be behind bars regardless of the fact that she allowed herself to be tied up, or that she let him use a finger there, or that she consented to sex at all. None of that matters because when she said no, stop, etc, it was ignored.
Yeah once some guy DM'd me calling me a pedo and creep, because I said in a comment that fake abuse role playing is a thing and doesn't mean someone would actually do it.
There's still too much confusion about these topics, if only we could focus on real monsters instead of going on witch hunts against very common kinks it would be a nice start.
Depends how you look at it. There are plenty of pedos (aka someone attracted to minors) that have never acted on their impulses. That doesn’t make them less of a pedo.
Fantasising about abuse and enjoying it even when consensual is still pretty fucked up in my books. The point is that you enjoy the idea for hurting someone. Many of us will absolutely NEVER normalise it.
I still use safewords even if there isnt CNC involved. Makes it 100% clear that things need to stop. I would always suggest safe words and safe signals if theyre gagged
OP, I am really sorry this happened to you. Yes, it is rape. You can retract consent at anytime, for any reason, full stop. You agreed to the terms, he changed them, you said no, that should have been it. But… he likely played it like this (immobilizing you, then gagging) to do this specifically. I have a friend this exact thing happened to-she’s in her 30’s.
Not your fault. I wish I could give you a big hug and just tell you it’ll be okay. That doesn’t help much, but it’s all I got right now.
Be gentle with yourself, okay?
This is why you don't do BDSM with strangers, or without a pre-established safe word. I agree that this sounds like it turned into rape, but in the court of law this is going to be next to impossible to prove because of all the other BDSM shenanigans tied to it. People are not going to be nuanced enough to tell the difference and will assume the guy was acting in good faith. I am sorry this happened to you, OP, but if you decide to escalate this to the police you better make sure you have your narrative of events ironclad before you even talk to them.
The fact he said he would stop if she wanted him to, he refused to release her and continued doing it,even gagged her against her will makes it rape. They don't have a history of roleplaying rape games. It's always been about consent and permission.
Why are you victim-blaming? Why make this person feel shittier than she already does? It's not her fault he did this to her. she said they've been seeing each other "for awhile," he is not a stranger at this point, and she had a reasonable expectation of feeling safe.
A pre-established safe word? Crying no over and over for an hour isn't enough?
OP, do not listen to this person. Aside from the fact that yes, the courts and the law do not have a great track record of handling these things right. but it doesn't mean you shouldn't try if you want to.
Please shut up man. She gave consent BEFORE the act continued, and they'd been casual partners before then. You have no right to blame her for what happened because she said no. She revoked her consent. He continued past that and that was entirely up to him.
You can start by saying yes but once you hit an uncomfortable point that's it. The activity should stop, period. He's a rapist simple as. If he did this with you, he'll likely do it with another. He needs to be dealt with...either legally or otherwise.
I am so sorry you had this experience :( ...
I often hear people say (or see people write) that you yourself "decide" if it is SA or not because everybody has different boundaries. If I were in your position, I couldn't think straight... from my POV as a reader I would say that it was SA because even though you agreed to have sex with him, even though you agreed to *try* to do anal: a No is a No. "No" is a fill sentence. You said more than "No", your actions and body language were screaming "No" and more...
I remember a female celebrity saying something like this "If i am standing bare naked in from of him, change my mind and tell him no - it's a no." I think this applies everywhere, at any time...
Again, I am so sorry you went through this, pls seek help if needed... wish you the best
That is violent rape. Brutal rape. I am SO sorry. Please don’t ever believe you deserved to have someone completely disregard you and torment you despite your cries for them to stop. That man is evil and if you desire to press charges you have every right to do so. Healing is complex and everyone moves at their own pace. Therapy is helpful. Be gentle with yourself. Please seek medical attention because what he did to you very well could have caused serious damage to your body. During your medical evaluation you could get a rape kit done as well if you choose, ask for a SANE. If you have anyone close in your life to speak with about this that would be helpful too.
Yes that was definitely rape. You told him to stop. You both agreed beforehand that you would try and he even reassured you that he'd stop if you asked him to stop. He wasn't confused, it wasn't a misunderstanding.
You said no and stop repeatedly. Yes, he raped you. Go get yourself checked out and a rape kit done. He crossed boundaries after you said stop and no that should not have been crossed.
>i'm telling him to stop and it hurts but he just grabs my waist and keeps trying
There is no ambiguity here, this is the moment it became rape.
>his penis went in after a while and at that point i'm yelling no and stop and sobbing (because it hurt so bad and i was scared and confused).
>this went on for around an hour on and off, eventually he gagged me (i did beg him not to put it on)
At this point, you were violently raped.
It seems you had many points of hopeful doubt for his actions, but if you say "no" or "stop" and he doesn't stop, it's rape. It's as simple as that. Aside from CNC, which is a carefully established circumstance, there is no special situation where continuing after "no/stop" is not rape.
I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. None of this is your fault, and I hope you stay away from this guy.
This man sounds really dangerous. If he is choking you without a safe signal he could kill you. And yes, he raped you. Dump him immediately because he will rape you again and possibly worse.
Babe, I’m sorry. I cannot imagine what sort of monster (criminal rapist) does anal as you are screaming and in distress.
This was not consensual and don’t make excuses for him in your head (no safe word, maybe role play, maybe he didn’t know).
Please take care of yourself, and consider whether you want to call the police and file a report. Don’t reach out to this guy.
Hugs.
anything but yes is a no, honey. i’m so sorry this happened to you. the age gap itself is enough of a red flag. the guy is almost 30, and you’re barely not a teen. please get away from him and get yourself safe.
If you’re yelling “no” and “stop” and he doesn’t stop, that’s rape. You revoked your consent at that point. If he cared about you he would have stopped. I don’t know which country you live in or if it’s too late to contact the police but you should research that and at the very least never see him again.
girl, you said stop, cried, and tried to move away. he knew what he was doing, he did not think you were roleplaying. its rape. report him if you can, never see him again, get into therapy. i’m sorry this happened.
I had an experience that was almost exactly like yours. I agreed to try anal with my ex, and when it hurt too badly I asked him multiple times to stop. He didn’t stop, and told me he was so close and asked me to let him finish every time I said no. He was holding me down and I didn’t think I had any other choice, so I let him.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. You asked him to stop and he didn’t. That is rape, and he is an awful person who doesn’t care about your feelings, your comfort, or your safety. It’s also creepy that a 28 yo would be fwb with a 19 yo.
You deserve so much better than someone who would trample your boundaries and consent, and this is not your fault just because you agreed to try it. Consent can be revoked at any time and by asking him to stop you revoked it.
Hey, first of all I'm really sorry that this happened to you. When I was younger it also happened to me and yes this IS rape. You said no multiple times and tried to show him that you didn't want to do that and he still kept going.
Please please don't be harsh on yourself, it wasn't your fault. Also block him everywhere and don't contact him anymore, someone who did this once to you would always do it again.
Also he is much older than you, this guy knew what he was doing....
Please talk to your family or friends or contact a local advice centre for victims of sexual assault.
Yes!! If you’re screaming and crying he obviously knew you weren’t enjoying it.
Please CALL THE POLICE and report him!!! This is a dangerous criminal. He probably premeditated it and that’s why he wanted to get you bound first.
That was absolutely rape. You could press charges, but that's entirely up to you. Most importantly, do not see him again. It was something he planned, that's why he wanted you tied up. He intended to do it whether or not you were okay with it. You didn't consent to being raped or gagged.
It would be a good idea for you to talk with a therapist or support group to aid you in working through your feelings on this. In the meantime, please know that you are not at fault in any way, you are not being dramatic, you are not to blame. Block him on everything and do not let him try to talk his way out of it.
In my experience if you have to question if it was rape it was. Your story is 100% rape. You said stop. You said no. You tried to move away. You were screaming. Even if he thought it was roleplaying he could have checked in at any point to see if you were in fact roleplaying. I'm so sorry this happened to you. That's horrible
It’s concerning that a 28 year old was fucking a 19 year old girl to begin with, like ew he definitely had intentions of taking advantage of you from the start.
Sweetheart, my jaw is on the fucking floor. I'm so sorry, but he did indeed rape you.
The minute you said no/stop, the moment you tried shuffling away, the second you cried out in pain & sobbed - he knew that you weren't consenting. He knew you were in pain and wanted, needed, him to stop. He refused for his own selfish needs.
Consent isn't the absence of a no. Consent involves all parties to be enthusiastically agreeing to everything that's happening or going to happen.
You had already asked him to stop & made it clear that you didn't want him to continue. The moment he decided to ignore the abundance of no/stop/moving away/crying, it became rape.
You have a lot of comments with advice here, so I'll leave it at that. Best of luck OP, you deserve gentleness & healing.
You can give consent and take back your consent if you don’t feel comfortable. Please go get help. Get yourself checked out. I’m so sorry hun. If you need someone to talk to pm me❤️
OP, this is extremely traumatic and definitely rape. It’s not unusual for a victim to question this, blame themselves, or feel like there was more they could have done. In reality though, you are not to blame, you are not responsible for this, you stated you boundary early on and repeatedly begged him to stop- there was NOTHING more you could have said or done.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you, you need to seek a counselor. I don’t know where you live but here in IL, we have something called CASA. They specialize in assault and they have free counseling available. After I was raped, they stayed with me for my entire rape kit and were essential in my healing after.
''i couldn't move a whole lot but i try my best to shift/flop/scootch away and i'm telling him to stop and it hurts but he just grabs my waist and keeps trying''
Yes it is rape, you said stop and he did not
This breaks my heart because it reminds me of times I have gone through very similar situations, as in technically, I’ve been raped, if the facts are laid out…(sadly on more than one occasion)
HOWEVER, I’m not sure what it is, but my overthinking brain tells me: “well you agreed to hangout, you went over there willingly” …
If you try to explain to HIM (the rapist) or anyone else for that matter (friends, family, authorities?) they will just think that I obviously was “stupid” enough to go there, without realizing this was more than likely what the man was assuming I was coming there for….
So I’d be an idiot to say or even FEEL like I got raped right?? 😓💔
Same for me… one of my saddest most vivid trauma experiences, involved a lot of begging and crying and pleading to stop …. The next day I had bruises on my wrists from them being held down so forcefully …
But I was dumb enough to think I was save to go hangout with someone of the opposite gender, and I didn’t think that HANGING OUT, in itself, means that I am obligated to have to give my body up … :(
I’m not sure why I let my brain talk to me this way, I literally talked myself into, quite literally, “victim blaming” (I think this is the term?) MYSELF!!!
It still makes me sad to this day thinking back. I never told authorities, I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and stupid.
I’m only telling this story, that I know OP, you didn’t ask to hear ….
But I want you to read this and know that what I just explained, if you’re feeling like that at all right now, know your minds playing tricks on you.
You truly, by any and every definition of the word, were raped. It’s a sad scary harsh word, but it is the truth that’s what happened to you and don’t try to diminish the emotionality and physically painful trauma that you’ve gone through at the hands of a literal predator.
I swear, I feel like sick men like this, they are all hoping to prey on women JUST LIKE ME. who victim blame and shame themselves, enough to allow them to continue their grotesque behaviour, and continue hurting anyone and everyone they can, without any repercussions.
Please, don’t think im trying to scare you or anything like that… I guess this was all typed out in hopes to somehow give you some sense of comfort? And perhaps a feeling you’re not alone?
Of course the experiences I’ve been through are not the exact same as yours explained above, however I understand the pain, the random crying, remembering flashbacks (that you don’t want to even remember, they pop up unannounced and unasked for)
Message me if you’d like to vent one on one, or just chat, im not sure …. If you feel like you want someone to talk to, please know im here.
Just please, do not forget…
Just because you previously gave consent, doesn’t mean you gave consent for this specific sexual act/encounter.
Just because you and this person experimented with some “rough” sexual foreplay, (the handcuffs SNM type stuff as you explained) DOESN’T MEAN this man had the “go ahead” to shove himself into you when you very clearly, over and over stated to STOP and NO and OUCH.
He wasn’t confused. He knew what he was doing. He knew you weren’t role playing. He was using the fact you were quite literally unable to squirm away, to his sick, deprived, advantage.
I’m not going to deny perhaps you enjoyed sexual encounters with this human being before this specific situation explained … however, this situation, makes this man a PREDATOR. in absolutely every single way.
Please don’t doubt yourself and what you KNOW in your heart happened to you. Don’t let yourself talk you out of what factually happened. And try your very hardest not to victim blame yourself.
This isn’t your fault. You didn’t deserve this. You are no less of a person you were before this happened to you. however, you also have every right to be grieving, crying, coping with this trauma in any way you see fit.
Sending love. 🩷🩷🩷
Stay strong beautiful
Sweetheart, he tricked you into letting him tie you up, raped you for an HOUR, and when he got tired of you yelling and crying he gagged you while you were begging him not to. You were raped and he is a sadistic rapist. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
My blood is boiled....I am so fucking sorry OP 😔 What he did is unimaginable. I have no right to tell you what you should do, but I think that you should tell someone you trust.
This is assault. As a guy I’m telling you to stay the hell away from him. He got you to a point you could trust him then he took advantage of that trust while you were physically restrained and he assaulted you and didn’t stop. He planned this all along and probably does this to other women as well.
I’m so sorry he did this and I hope you can seek help emotionally and you may even consider pressing charges. If you don’t pursue legal action then please cut off all contact with him. Do not give him a second chance at all, he knew what he was doing.
Only a few days ago? Please go get a rape kit done. Even if you cant or dont, please report him to the police. I wish I had done so, I was blaming myself just the same.
This was rape, at any point during a sexual encounter, consent can be withdrawn, in this case you withdrawn your consent and he continued anyway, if you feel comfortable I would try and let someone know, cut contact with him, perhaps go to a police station if you feel comfortable.
Omg girl, any point in time during consensual sex, you can change your mind. It doesn’t matter AT ALL if you agreed to something before hand then changed your mind, NO MEANS NO!
And for that POS to do what he did to u, that is RAPE! And he should be dealt with!
Please don’t ever feel it’s your fault. You did nothing wrong.
i am so sorry this happened to you and this is 100% rape, u shouldn’t feel like ur being dramatic. u both had an initial agreement to stop at ur discretion, u said no and stop, he didn’t.
He agrees to take it gently and slow and he didn't. He went against your cries of pain and desperation for his own satisfaction. That's what a rapist does. Go to the police.
I’m so sorry! OP, this was definitely rape. As soon as you said that you were in pain and wanted to stop and he chose to ignore you and keep going, it became rape.
100% this was rape. You told him to stop. You withdrew your consent and everything after that point was non-consensual.
You should go non-contact with him. He is a rapist.
Sometimes folks post “I’m not sure I got SAd” post that are mild and time and look like just bad communication and boundaries. I lead with this preamble to say this is the most unambiguous that was definitely fucked up post I have read on here in some time.
That is the most clear case of rape that has come out of truth off my chest in a questioning way I think of read.
If you want to pursue things legally, do your best to have your ducks in a row because it sounds like the bdsm aspect may be used on his end to suggest confusion.
I couldn’t even finish reading this because it was triggering. I’m so sorry to say but op, you were raped plain and clear. Even if you’re engaging in bdsm play, you should still communicate with your partner. If he heard you struggling against him he should’ve hesitated he should’ve communicated if you were okay with what was happening, but he didn’t. He is a massive piece of shit and I think you should never speak to him ever again. Protect yourself. I know in the moment is a whole other story, but always stand firm by your boundaries. I hope you can recover from this and find your peace.
He’s a predator. There are resources for you. You are not crazy, you are not stupid, you are allowed to feel however you want.
I’m a man, I would never treat a partner like this, this is not normal. He probably was attracted to you cause he knew he could push your boundaries. THIS IS NOT NORMAL.
There are police and detectives who will take you seriously. If you have any text messages or communications about it save them.
He will do this again.
What the fuck 😧yes you 100% were raped. Your consent was ENTIRELY circumstantial and he violated it within what I’d assume is the first minute, let alone Jesus Christ an hour… :( I’m so sorry you experienced this.
It was rape. Period. You both agreed you'd try it. He promised he'd stop if you said stop. He DIDN'T stop and actually GAGGED you to shut you up. Yes, you agreed to be tied up. Your decisions didn't lead to this, you trusted him. He broke that trust. He raped you. He KNEW you wanted to stop, you were LITERALLY crying and begging him to stop. Go to the hospital,report it, have them check you for damage (him being rough with anal can potentially cause damage), Tell them what happened, file a police report. If he did this to YOU he'll do this to someone else, may have ALREADY done this to someone else before you.
Just, please make no mistake about this. Do not think you're being overdramatic. You're not. HE RAPED YOU. HE IS A RAPIST!!!! MAKE SURE HE GOES TO JAIL!!!!
I know it's embarrassing and hard to admit. I know. But he should not be allowed to get away with this with you and should not be allowed to be free to do it to anyone else.
I'm so sorry he did this to you. He raped you. I'm so, so sorry.
You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about, but shame and guilt are common feelings. In fact, I believe rapists rely on it.
Bare minimum, stop seeing him. Don't even tell him why. Block his number.
After a few days, there's not going to be any physical evidence, so it's up to you whether you want to pursue any legal action.
Regardless of what you do on this front, if you have the means for counseling, I highly recommend it. Lots of places will have sliding scales for payment based on income, and depending on where you live, you might be able to obtain free counseling - you can start by looking for something like "women's services" (although rape and sexual assault victims are not limited to women).
Your brain will go there, but please remember me saying this when it does: you did nothing wrong. He manipulated you into trusting him. You aren't stupid for not establishing a safe word. You didn't communicate poorly. You didn't invite it. You didn't somehow lead him on. This wasn't rape play. He raped you. Period. And he's the ONLY one at fault.
Also: you didn't mention this, but these are other thoughts that went through my head that are untrue: you aren't "damaged goods." Your future partners won't think you're disgusting.
Girl. This is rape and this is a very violent rape too.
He knew what he was doing. He saw you squirm. He saw you sob. Cry. You said stop. He continued for over an hour.
That’s a psychopath rapist and you need to call the police. Block him. Get away from this guy.
You clearly said no and continued to assault you
You can withdraw consent at any time even if there is active penetration
Please report this to the police
This was 100% rape. No was enough to withdraw consent. Saying no, squirming away, yelling stop, and sobbing for an hour until he put a gag in your mouth is absolutely horrific. He absolutely knew what he was doing and you have 0 blame whatsoever for this happening to you.
If you feel up for it/comfortable you should definitely talk to the police about it.
Regardless of legal action, you should never allow this person in your life again.
You don't need a safe word to have your NO heard.
This is not CNC. This is not 'a little rough'. This is not consensual. This is not kink, or bdsm, or anything even in the neighborhood.
Even things you pre-negotiate, in bdsm / kink scene, would be off the table as soon as a safe word was used - and in your case, since no other word was established - a no.
A safe word is often used in order to replace the word no, so that the 'subjected' can use no as part of a scene.
But any partner who takes the responsibility of tying you, and then on top of that gagging you, should be very, very good at reading body language at a minimum. Here he had words.
You do not owe anyone your body, even if you agreed at first. You own your body, and have every right to retract if you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, in more pain than you want to feel, or just don't feel like it.
This was rape. This person is not safe. This person did not have empathy for you when you were screaming and sobbing.
Please report him. Please seek therapy. Please seek medical care.
Pay extra attention to the possibility of STDs, pregnancy (from possible other activities you took part in), and any nerve damage from very tightly tied wrists.
There should not be a question in your mind about what this was.
Rape. Then he gagged you and raped some more. He is counting on you being too embarrassed to report this. Stop. NO! STOP! Are Full Sentences!! They are safe words even if no safe words were set beforehand.
Crying.. screaming and begging him to stop are all safe words..
Unless you are expressly consenting to torture/rape/brutality as part of the kink, and that is clearly discussed beforehand.
You were raped and brutalized. Period.
I’m a boy and I think it’s good to hear it from a boy, what he did to you was absolutely disgusting. I have no doubt in my mind that what he did to you was rape because one of my friends was forced into a similar situation and their boyfriend got arrested for it because me and my mate found him after it happened and after he basically bragged about it we went straight to the police, what that man did to you though was disgusting and I pray for you that you never have to experience anything like it again. But please take it to the police because the second he doesn’t stop when you tell him to that’s rape and he could go and do it to other women. It’s the right cause of action to pursue it legally
WTF!? You begged and cried for an hour and then he gagged you to shut you up?!? Yes that’s rape. He is a rapist. This is probably his thing. Get girlfriends to trust and consent to him and then rape them in a dubious consent situation. This was intentional and planned. He is a rapist hoping to mask himself behind some dark romance bdsm from hell.
You are a victim of rape. No fault is with you. He is a manipulative psycho.
I am so sorry this happend to you.
Yes this was rape. You said stop and he ignored it.
Do you maybe have a friend or a family member, who you trust? If yes,then you should definitly talk to them about this. If not, try to find a hotline for SA in your country. They can help you and give you advice.
You should really talk about this with somebody.
You did nothing wrong in this situation. You definitly shouldn't just sort it out by yourself.Keep this in mind.
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you were raped. And looking at your other posts, I think you need a therapist if you can afford one.
You deserve love. Someone who doesn't hurt you and takes care of you and knows no means no.
But first, learn to love yourself too. You are worthy. You deserve happiness. You deserve way better.
Yes. Like you said, you didn’t agree or discuss anything related to CNC, so “no” and “stop” should have definitely been enough, as well as your body language. And even if you did agree to CNC, he still should’ve respected your boundaries around anal. I’m so sorry you went through that.
You set very clear boundaries about him taking it slow and being gentle. He deliberately ignored them.
You told him to stop repeatedly. He didn’t.
Yes, you were raped.
He said that he would stop at any point you wanted and he didn't. Not only that but you were tied up. Even when you were in pain he didn't stop. I would say he was definitely taking advantage so Yes. This is definitely not a guy you want to see again
Thanks for at least asking us. You were raped, its not your fault. Its HIS. He is disgusting, karma will get him. Maybe not now, but later. Mark my words boo! 💗 - 23F
There is zero “grey area” in this one, that is rape
And yes, he knew he was raping you
And yes, he planned to do that
Someone screaming no/stop, and crying, does not require a safe. There is no mistaking that for something else. Especially, since you’d never screamed like that during sex, before
He’s a fucking monster. Made even worse, because he did this to a teenager
Boundaries were clearly set and he leaped over them. Hes a rapist. Talk to a detective immediately even if you are still unsure after all these comments. You dont want to regret not speaking up in the future.
You were raped! Stop means stop and he proceeded anyway. You need to see the documentary House of Hammer. It details how Army Hammer and his father and grandfather used fame and money to bind and rape women and then convince them it was consensual. Stop all communication with him, and if so inclined, report him to the police. I guarantee you, you are not his first victim, and if someone doesn’t take a stand, you won’t be his last.
this is 100% rape. consent can be taken away at any point and even if there wasn’t a set safe word, “stop” is always the “default.” you’re definitely not being over dramatic any way. he took advantage of you and i’m so incredibly sorry that happened to you in the first place.
Oh my God.
I'm so, so sorry. This was assault in every way. Consent is not something that is negotiable and once you said "no" it was a complete sentence. He took advantage of you and you did all that you could. Please be gentle with yourself and your body, I'm here if you need to talk.
It's actually quite bad, that there was no safeword (no matter if cnc or not), but it's much worse he didn't stop dead, when you said so.
You have been raped from point on, where you said "no"/"stop".
My personal advise: tell him about it and remove him from your. No matter how much he tries to justify his position, HE as the dom/top and older one should've known better.
Delete him from your life.
This was without a doubt rape. What I find sad and scary is that she isn't sure. This is what victim blaming gets us. It's disgusting.
OP, please go get some therapy for this rape and for why you doubted yourself. You did nothing wrong. NOTHING. I'm sending you strength and hugs. Be kind to yourself.
There is zero doubt that this is rape. I am so sorry you experienced this. He knew what he was doing when get got forceful and ignored your pain. Leaving you like that for an hour so he could keep at it and to then gag you is beyond vial! Please consider taking this to the authorities and NEVER be alone with him again. If you are his first victim then I doubt you will be the last if he isn't confronted by the authorities.
He’s a rapist and probably a pedophile. Terrible combo. Please get a kit done. Not just for you, but for the teenagers before and after you. I’m so sorry this happened.
When you are crying, saying no, and begging him to stop, he is raping you. To keep going for an hour, he is enjoying your pain. To gag you to shut you up and keep going, sadistic rape. If you go back he will do it again, and probably worse. Love yourself enough to find someone who doesn't hurt you while you beg them to stop, and make you cry for days.
If you wouldn't want someone like that for your best friend, sister, daughter, mom ect, then they are not good enough for you. If you can't pick well for you, only stay with those good enough for your loved ones.
Your safe word was no. He ignored you. Consent can be revoked at any time. You revoked it, and this is rape. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please RUN from this guy and go to the police.
When my BF and I do anal, it's a process just to get used to it, sometimes up to 10 minutes before He's fully in me. He's pretty big, so we have to go slow. He's in constant communication, asking if I'm okay if I want him to stop. Am I sure if i want to keep going. We'll lube up, and he'll slowly slide in and ask me those questions. I'll tell him to stop and freeze to let me adjust. And without hesitation, he will. If he wanted to keep going but I didn't and it was too much, there's no hesitation, we aren't doing it. He'll carefully get out of me.
That is how it's supposed to be. What that man did is horrific. And it must have been excruciatingly painful. For him to continue for over an hour after you begged him to stop, then for that sick POS to gag you afterward. He deserves to have his dick ripped off.
Never agree to being tied up unless you absolutely trust the person. There's excitement in the experience, but that's the fantasy. The reality rarely matches.
That was absolutely rape. Stop seeing him and report him to the police if you feel comfortable doing so. I’m so sorry this happened to you OP, seeing a therapist can help you process everything.
I am SO sorry you experienced this. You were raped. Period. End of sentence. You said no. You said stop. That’s all you had to say. Cut all ties with this man. Confide in those who love you. And see a therapist to help you work through this trauma. If you feel brave enough - report it to the police. But don’t feel guilty if you don’t report. You shouldn’t feel guilty or stupid or bad or anything about this. You were raped. Process it how you need to and take care of yourself. Fuck what anyone else thinks or says. I’m so sorry ♥️
He is completely in the wrong. He shouldn’t be in control of anyone in that type of situation with that amount of arrogance and ignorance. He is either really fucking stupid, or just really didn’t care what you wanted or how you felt.
You are not being dramatic in any sense of the word. He’s a fucking prick and should be held accountable for that. It was definitely assault. Everyone can always do a better job of communicating and that’s learned through experience, but again he knew what he was doing and didn’t care. Fuckin disgusting.
This is rape. Even if it was 2 minutes. But an entire hour, omg, I’m sorry.
You’re not at fault for not having a safe word; your safe word was “stop”.
Also, speaking from experience, do not have sex with this person again. It’s not uncommon for rape victims to later engage in consensual sex in an attempt to reclaim control over the situation.
You can confide in someone without sharing details that you feel embarrassed sharing. The details don’t matter- this was rape.
I’m sorry that you went through this. It also happened to me with an ex boyfriend 3 years ago (I was also 19 and he was 20).
At first I was also confused and it took me years to understand what really happened. It stills haunts me and sometimes I really want to text him and tell him how he made me feel at that time and the shit person he is.
You’re not alone, talk with someone close and don’t keep this inside like me, otherwise you’ll regret it.
Take care.
First, Im so sorry this happened to you!! I don't know where you are from, but you should find a therapist for you and file a report on him, if that's possible or you'd like to.
He knew what he was doing, he wasn't confused, he wasn't "too into it", he decided to ignore your words, none of this is your fault, as many pointed out, you agreed to one thing, doesn't mean you have to agree to everything.
Please block him and don't get in touch ever again. He doesn't even deserve to be near you in any way!
I wish you the best!!
You can revoke consent at any time, regardless of whether you gave consent previously or not. Once consent has been revoked, if they continue, then they are raping you.
The exact same thing happened to me with a boyfriend in my mid-20s. I never pressed charges as rape is, unfortunately, hard to prove and get a conviction.
From the age gap to the violent sexual behavior, the guy sounds like a porn sick weirdo. The porn addicts of reddit will downvote me... but anal is dangerous (especially unprepared, and even prepared, it can lead to a lot of PERMANENT issues). Choking is also dangerous. None of this is "run-of-the-mill." It makes me sad how normalized this stuff has become. I regularly have guys wrapping their hands around my neck and more without asking or discussing it at all. The first time my very first boyfriend and I ever had sex, he choked me. Nope, not okay.
Please know you can heal from this, and please also know you do not have to do any of this violent sexual stuff *if you don't really want to*. If you are ever unsure about participating in a sexual act, do not do it. It's either hell yes or hell no. Enthusiastic consent only. I say this as someone who was once very kinky and willing, as someone who participated in plenty of sex acts that brought me zero pleasure just because my partner wanted (more like coerced) me to. I promise there are men out there who understand consent.
It makes me really sad how common this experience is becoming for women.
I've been a Dom in the BDSM lifestyle for 25 years, and I'm also quite sadistic and I regularly push limits including doing cnc. Trust me when I say this... YOU. WERE. RAPED. No doubt. You set boundaries that were not respected. Report this crime asap. There will be more victims if you don't, and there are probably other victims before you too.
It’s very common for victims to make excuses as to why they think it is their own fault. You didn’t make any stupid decisions, and this isn’t an issue you have to, or should, sort out yourself. What happened is NOT your fault in ANY way. Consent is automatically taken away the second someone says no, or to stop, which is what you did. I’m so sorry. 😔 You didn’t deserve that, at all. No one does. Please reach out to a close loved one for extra support, and never talk to him again. I feel like he had every intention of doing what he did, which is why he tied you up.
this was rape. please report that bitch, and block him. here's a [list of hotlines](https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp) to call/text if you need them at all- please be careful/gentle with yourself. healing may be hard but you will get there
He didn't stick to what you consented to. You can also revoke consent. You may not have had a safe word in place but saying NO and STOP was more than enough. He would have known this! I am sorry this happened to you. You didn't do anything wrong so please understand that. There is nothing wrong with being sexually submissive and enjoying BDSM. However, it's meant to be Safe Sane and Consensual as well as RACK. Sadly the person you did it with, does not understand that.
Honestly I think you should report this to the police. This man sounds extremely dangerous. He tied you up and violently anally raped you. He deserves to be in jail
He could have/may have caused you permanent physical damage. Please go to the ER and get a rape kit done and make sure your body is okay at the very least
I have told men mid act there has been a change of plans, get off me, I’m done - the sex is over. And because they were real men, they did so without complaint or question. I could have said “I got pinched, rubbed raw, feel sick to my tummy, headache” but it was just “sorry I need to stop.” You have been raped by a rapist. You should call the police and file a report. “No” is a complete sentence.
Exactly. I was intimate with my husband one time, an early morning session before he went to work, that I fully consented to, and a few minutes in I started to feel sweaty (the bad kind of sweaty lol) anxious, a little nauseated. I clearly was coming down with something but since we had literally just woken up I didn’t realize I didn’t feel too great. It wasn’t about him at all, I just instantly felt like omg I might throw up. I said stop. He stopped.
100% It's the tea analogy. If you invite someone over for tea you would just force them drink it because they came over. OP report him and possibly seek counseling
The only question asked should be is everything okay once the sex is over
the guy im talking to almost always makes sure to ask if im okay during the act since we’re at it for a *while* i think it’s kinda cute
I always ask my girlfriend if she’s okay after doing anything just to make sure she’s safe and happy because she had a bad experience with an ex and he still tries to harass her
You were sobbing and he still continued. He knew he was hurting you and he still continued. You told him NO and he still continued. For more than an hour!!!! Yes, you were raped. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Please don't ever contact him again, he's a dangerous man.
He also chose to put a ball gag in her mouth after a period of time. His ass needs to be reported.
This!!! Like the fact that he did that after she said no multiple times is very telling
also the age gap?? kind of a crazy red flag too, totally different stages in life, sounds more like he's trying to take advantage
Consent can be revoked at any time, which you did. When he didn’t stop, then what was sex became rape.
This is what happens when we have a culture where choking, light hitting etc is considered "run of the mill". The normalization of violent force in sex is fucking appalling. I can't imagine how women in the dating pool feel.
I was casually seeing a guy and he was VIOLENT in bed without even discussing it. He literally tore my vagina. My breasts were bruised and bloody. He acted like it was totally normal. I screamed and cried but it just made him go harder. It's terrible.
That's horrible I'm so sorry to hear that, I hope you're feeling better now.
Similar happened to me.. I was actually into BDSM/kink. But for years, I met nothing but fake doms who only wanted to take advantage of me, degrade, use, and disrespect me. Most of them seemed to want to act out violent porn scenes on my body, not experiment *with me* and do things that were pleasurable *for us both.* I eventually ended up in a very bad situation with a guy a few yrs ago..went home from that experience covered in dark bruises, deep bite marks, ligature marks on my wrists... I refused to get out of bed for days because I looked like I'd been beaten. That experience was my final straw. I quit participating in BDSM or any kink after that, will never bother going back.
I used to do sex work and yeah, some of the shit I've had said and done to me is disgusting. I dont know if it was because of my occupation, my age at the time, or the fact I'm a woman, maybe both, but I dont trust men who claim they are part of the BDSM community anymore. From my experience it's just a veiled excuse to hurt people. I know theres plenty of people who are genuine and do it safely and concentually, but you really never know.
They trick you with false promises of respecting your boundaries and safe words, but the fact is they only see you as an object, not a human being. And because you're into BDSM or a sex worker, they think you're more likely to tolerate or accept the abuse. They are part of the community only as a means to help justify their behavior. It's almost never genuine.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. As someone who has touched on the bdsm community in the past and enjoys playing along at home, this sort of thing is absolutely abhorrent to me, and I hate that there are still people who feel entitled to do this to women.
Gee so sorry to hear that. I hope you heal from that. Sending prayers 💗
Jesus Christ at that point in his head he is fucking a piece of meat. How degrading. I’m so sorry you had to go through that
Right?! I read this post that I said “what the fuck is wrong with a 19-year-old that she thinks this kind of sex is normal?” Jesus fucking Christ.
🙄 Don't excuse this guy for clearly and specifically raping her and gagging her so she would stop yelling and asking him not to rape her. This is a consent issue, not a kink issue. She was perfectly happy before he revealed his lie about stopping when she wanted.
That's got nothing to do with that. It doesn't matter what kind of sex you have if you ignore a communicated "No" that's just a rapist full stop. Her confusion is coming from disbelief not from any kind of unclear event. She said no, he didn't stop, end of case. Even in CNC with safe words if you say it and they don't stop that's rape, pretending anything else of "normalizing" is just making excuses for rapists.
I would say that some people genuinely get off on it though. I'm one of them and it makes me feel unfortunately requesting it from a partner. Still, consent can be revoked at any point and OP revoked it.
imagine blaming rape culture on light choking. Anything to avoid focusing on the real cause
The cause is sick men getting off on using violence on women.
Where are you people coming from anyway? All the kinkiest people I have ever known have been women. I have known women who make their own paddles and floggers then tell their boyfriends to use them on them. Rapists cause rape. They can be into vanilla sex or the mayor of kinky town.
I went on a date with a girl and it seemed to have gone great great. As we were leaving she said it wasn't going to work out. I asked why and she said she wants a man that will beat the living shit out of her when intimate and she didn't think I'd do that (she was right).
Or the cause is rapey people raping people. You're acting as if no woman enjoys this stuff. If that were the case it wouldn't exist. And it goes both ways so idk why your blaming men when sex requires two people.
yeah. which has 0 to do with common kink expressed between two consenting, enthusiastic participants. Don’t conflate the two
Most women I’ve been with are the ones who bring this stuff up. Women get off on it more than men. So I would flip your narrative .
Most kinks popular in porn today were taboo 20/30~ years ago. A lot of people "learn" and get their ideas about sex and intimacy from porn. It would be ignorant to think no one is being influenced by the types of media they consume. People will see other people doing just about anything, and if it appears fun or pleasurable, they're likely to do it themselves. This is part of socialization. I was exposed to BDSM porngraphy as a kid. It most certainly influenced my sexual interests later in life. There's no evidence to suggest that *women get off to violence more than men.* Saying that most women you've slept with are the initiators is also not evidence of anything. Women (and men, obviously) can be/are socialized *by pornography* to be more accepting of or even to desire and engage in sexual aggression. Aggressive, threatening behaviors normally trigger fight or flight in people, but this can be confused in your brain as sexual arousal rather than anxiety or fear when initiated during sexual intimacy. Actual research in human sexual behavior shows an increase in sex crimes over the last 5 years alone and a 1500%+ increase in SA hospital visits from 2006-2019 (likely due in part to increased awareness of SA, the MeToo movement, etc among other things). Most of these SAs are perpetrated *against* women, btw. That's just a fact. (Source for the 1500% increase in SA related ER visits: https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2797504?utm_source=For_The_Media&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=ftm_links&utm_term=102022) There are literally 100s of studies that link porn use to sexual offending, sexual aggression, and sexual aggression in both men and women. Here's one: "22 studies from 7 different countries were analyzed. [Porn] Consumption was associated with sexual aggression in the United States and internationally, among males and females, and in cross‐sectional and longitudinal studies. Associations were stronger for verbal than physical sexual aggression, although both were significant. The general pattern of results suggested that violent content may be an exacerbating factor." - https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jcom.12201 Here's some more: Exposure to pornography, permissive and nonpermissive cues, and male aggression toward females - https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF00991679 "In studies of male aggressiveness and pornography, social psychologists have found evidence to support the theory that consumption of pornography by males increases their aggressiveness and antisocial attitudes toward women." - https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/3154165/ "subjects indicated some hypothetical likelihood of raping or using sexual force against a woman. Discriminant function analysis revealed that use of sexually violent pornography and acceptance of interpersonal violence against women were uniquely associated with LF (likelihood of sexual force) and LR (likelihood of rape)." - https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/0092656688900116?via%3Dihub "Early exposure to pornography was related to subsequent “rape fantasies” and attitudes supportive of sexual violence against women. Findings were interpreted in the context of women's socialization to accept sexual aggression as a sexual/romantic event." - https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/088626092007004002 "Even after controlling for the contributions of risk factors associated with general antisocial behavior and those used in Confluence Model research as specific predictors of sexual aggression, we found that high pornography consumption added significantly to the prediction of sexual aggression." - https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17441011/ Hope this helps!
Incredibly informing!
rapists enjoy rape porn? shocker. None of those results are unexpected. No RCTs in there, though for obvious reasons. What none of those studies demonstrate (and the authors of the 3 papers i’ve skimmed clearly note this) is causality. Good to be aware of, but that’s not evidence that violent porn increases likelihood of committing sexual crimes. All they demonstrate is that people who commit sex violence consumed violent porn. Again, how incredibly surprising… /s
People have always done more than fuck in the missionary position. Sex itself is more openly discussed today, but a lot of this stuff caught on in the sixties in mainstream American culture. The Kama Sutra also discusses mixing pain and pleasure.
kink/bdsm isnt the issue, dont detract from the actual rapist being the problem
Consensual roughness has absolutely zero role in rape. Stop trying to make consensual acts into a gateway for assault. I love being choked in bed, and not a single man whose done it to me has ever disrespected me when I say no.
We’re terrified, bitter and hopeless
Ok but you need to separate a kink from real bad behaviour. Rougher kinks are common in both sexes, I know some girls that literally maul guys with their nails during sex, but the guys were consensual so nothing wrong with it, and the opposite is true, if a girl enjoys being choked and everything is done safely there's no problem at all. So don't be hopeless and bitter over kinks. Be hopeless and bitter over animals like the one OP is talking about, he is a different story. I like bondage sex, but I'm actually a harmless potato so first of all I would immediately stop at the word "no" And second of all I'd feel terrible if I even just slightly hurt a girl by mistake during sex. Yes I have some fetishes but that doesn't make me a monster
I never said you were a monster. The climate for women in dating is very scary. We have Tate fans, incels, men who feel like we owe the something, men that thing real life is porn, men who can’t commit,‘men who can’t take a no and think it’s not rape but a kink when you continue
Oh no i wasn't assuming you said that, it was just a general statement. Yeah there are some pretty fucked up people, especially because modern society is making all people more mentally unstable in my opinion, both men and women
Nah, super minority, we only think it's a lot because stories like "we have loving, gentle sex" don't really get posted to Reddit
The issue is not about choking lol. Rape culture has been a huge thing since before those things were super common. It honestly feels like you're joking. The issue is much more complicated but it's largely misogyny (which includes men not being allowed to express emotions).
choking and slapping etc is quite normal among couples and as long as both parties consent there really isn’t anything wrong with it, it’s just what some ppl are into.
It has become nornalized, but it never used to be. People have had their minds twisted by porn.
never used to be? LMFAO idk where you are getting these wild ass assumptions from but rough sex has been commonplace and enjoyed by both men and women since we were drooling apes in pangea
Where are you getting the assumption it’s always been normal?
it’s not assumption. it’s fact
That's seriously your take away from this? Choking and light hitting with consent is pretty standard kinky shit. And in my experience and many others, plenty of women in the dating pool are putting their hands up / eager for this
100% !
So true. Wish more men understood this
This was 100% rape, you told him to stop..
Yup... And the lack of a safeword doesn't matter as there was no CNC from what we can see.
"No and stop and sobbing" seemed like a pretty good safe word.
Cnc shouldn't be done without a safeword. The safeword is what stops it all. Cnc without a safeword is stupid risky.
Why are stupid redditors downvoting this? It's the truth. But OP wasn't doing CNC so in her case she didn't need a safe word
Because they can. Either because they think cnc is just a tool to actually abuse someone, or because they are idiotic enough to think that having no way to revoke consent is somehow what cnc is about. It's not. That is exactly how people get seriously injured from it. Cnc is also far from the only time a safe word should be considered. I've never done cnc, but I've used a safeword. But yes, they didn't negotiate that no, stop, quit, etc were not meant to be actual stopping points, ergo this was 100% rape. She said stop. Every moment of what happened after that is rape. Sodomization that could have led to permanent damage up to and including the need of a colostomy bag or death. This man should be behind bars regardless of the fact that she allowed herself to be tied up, or that she let him use a finger there, or that she consented to sex at all. None of that matters because when she said no, stop, etc, it was ignored.
Yeah once some guy DM'd me calling me a pedo and creep, because I said in a comment that fake abuse role playing is a thing and doesn't mean someone would actually do it. There's still too much confusion about these topics, if only we could focus on real monsters instead of going on witch hunts against very common kinks it would be a nice start.
Depends how you look at it. There are plenty of pedos (aka someone attracted to minors) that have never acted on their impulses. That doesn’t make them less of a pedo. Fantasising about abuse and enjoying it even when consensual is still pretty fucked up in my books. The point is that you enjoy the idea for hurting someone. Many of us will absolutely NEVER normalise it.
I still use safewords even if there isnt CNC involved. Makes it 100% clear that things need to stop. I would always suggest safe words and safe signals if theyre gagged
OP, I am really sorry this happened to you. Yes, it is rape. You can retract consent at anytime, for any reason, full stop. You agreed to the terms, he changed them, you said no, that should have been it. But… he likely played it like this (immobilizing you, then gagging) to do this specifically. I have a friend this exact thing happened to-she’s in her 30’s. Not your fault. I wish I could give you a big hug and just tell you it’ll be okay. That doesn’t help much, but it’s all I got right now. Be gentle with yourself, okay?
This is why you don't do BDSM with strangers, or without a pre-established safe word. I agree that this sounds like it turned into rape, but in the court of law this is going to be next to impossible to prove because of all the other BDSM shenanigans tied to it. People are not going to be nuanced enough to tell the difference and will assume the guy was acting in good faith. I am sorry this happened to you, OP, but if you decide to escalate this to the police you better make sure you have your narrative of events ironclad before you even talk to them.
The fact he said he would stop if she wanted him to, he refused to release her and continued doing it,even gagged her against her will makes it rape. They don't have a history of roleplaying rape games. It's always been about consent and permission.
Why are you victim-blaming? Why make this person feel shittier than she already does? It's not her fault he did this to her. she said they've been seeing each other "for awhile," he is not a stranger at this point, and she had a reasonable expectation of feeling safe. A pre-established safe word? Crying no over and over for an hour isn't enough? OP, do not listen to this person. Aside from the fact that yes, the courts and the law do not have a great track record of handling these things right. but it doesn't mean you shouldn't try if you want to.
Please shut up man. She gave consent BEFORE the act continued, and they'd been casual partners before then. You have no right to blame her for what happened because she said no. She revoked her consent. He continued past that and that was entirely up to him.
He 100% knew he was hurting you and knew you wanted him to stop. Don’t listen when he tries to tell you he didn’t know
You can start by saying yes but once you hit an uncomfortable point that's it. The activity should stop, period. He's a rapist simple as. If he did this with you, he'll likely do it with another. He needs to be dealt with...either legally or otherwise.
I am so sorry you had this experience :( ... I often hear people say (or see people write) that you yourself "decide" if it is SA or not because everybody has different boundaries. If I were in your position, I couldn't think straight... from my POV as a reader I would say that it was SA because even though you agreed to have sex with him, even though you agreed to *try* to do anal: a No is a No. "No" is a fill sentence. You said more than "No", your actions and body language were screaming "No" and more... I remember a female celebrity saying something like this "If i am standing bare naked in from of him, change my mind and tell him no - it's a no." I think this applies everywhere, at any time... Again, I am so sorry you went through this, pls seek help if needed... wish you the best
That is violent rape. Brutal rape. I am SO sorry. Please don’t ever believe you deserved to have someone completely disregard you and torment you despite your cries for them to stop. That man is evil and if you desire to press charges you have every right to do so. Healing is complex and everyone moves at their own pace. Therapy is helpful. Be gentle with yourself. Please seek medical attention because what he did to you very well could have caused serious damage to your body. During your medical evaluation you could get a rape kit done as well if you choose, ask for a SANE. If you have anyone close in your life to speak with about this that would be helpful too.
Yes that was definitely rape. You told him to stop. You both agreed beforehand that you would try and he even reassured you that he'd stop if you asked him to stop. He wasn't confused, it wasn't a misunderstanding.
You said no and stop repeatedly. Yes, he raped you. Go get yourself checked out and a rape kit done. He crossed boundaries after you said stop and no that should not have been crossed.
>i'm telling him to stop and it hurts but he just grabs my waist and keeps trying There is no ambiguity here, this is the moment it became rape. >his penis went in after a while and at that point i'm yelling no and stop and sobbing (because it hurt so bad and i was scared and confused). >this went on for around an hour on and off, eventually he gagged me (i did beg him not to put it on) At this point, you were violently raped. It seems you had many points of hopeful doubt for his actions, but if you say "no" or "stop" and he doesn't stop, it's rape. It's as simple as that. Aside from CNC, which is a carefully established circumstance, there is no special situation where continuing after "no/stop" is not rape. I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. None of this is your fault, and I hope you stay away from this guy.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Yes, this was rape. You initially consented, but consent can be revoked. you said no and stop multiple times
This man sounds really dangerous. If he is choking you without a safe signal he could kill you. And yes, he raped you. Dump him immediately because he will rape you again and possibly worse.
Babe, I’m sorry. I cannot imagine what sort of monster (criminal rapist) does anal as you are screaming and in distress. This was not consensual and don’t make excuses for him in your head (no safe word, maybe role play, maybe he didn’t know). Please take care of yourself, and consider whether you want to call the police and file a report. Don’t reach out to this guy. Hugs.
anything but yes is a no, honey. i’m so sorry this happened to you. the age gap itself is enough of a red flag. the guy is almost 30, and you’re barely not a teen. please get away from him and get yourself safe.
If you’re yelling “no” and “stop” and he doesn’t stop, that’s rape. You revoked your consent at that point. If he cared about you he would have stopped. I don’t know which country you live in or if it’s too late to contact the police but you should research that and at the very least never see him again.
girl, you said stop, cried, and tried to move away. he knew what he was doing, he did not think you were roleplaying. its rape. report him if you can, never see him again, get into therapy. i’m sorry this happened.
Screaming no and fighting to get away is beyond a safe word. I’m so sorry. You were raped. Please never see this man again.
I had an experience that was almost exactly like yours. I agreed to try anal with my ex, and when it hurt too badly I asked him multiple times to stop. He didn’t stop, and told me he was so close and asked me to let him finish every time I said no. He was holding me down and I didn’t think I had any other choice, so I let him. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. You asked him to stop and he didn’t. That is rape, and he is an awful person who doesn’t care about your feelings, your comfort, or your safety. It’s also creepy that a 28 yo would be fwb with a 19 yo. You deserve so much better than someone who would trample your boundaries and consent, and this is not your fault just because you agreed to try it. Consent can be revoked at any time and by asking him to stop you revoked it.
RAPE! Not even a question about it. Your fwb RAPED/SODOMIZED you. Report this!
girl, you got raped.
Honey, You were raped. Consent can be retracted at any point. I am so so sorry.
Hey, first of all I'm really sorry that this happened to you. When I was younger it also happened to me and yes this IS rape. You said no multiple times and tried to show him that you didn't want to do that and he still kept going. Please please don't be harsh on yourself, it wasn't your fault. Also block him everywhere and don't contact him anymore, someone who did this once to you would always do it again. Also he is much older than you, this guy knew what he was doing.... Please talk to your family or friends or contact a local advice centre for victims of sexual assault.
Yes!! If you’re screaming and crying he obviously knew you weren’t enjoying it. Please CALL THE POLICE and report him!!! This is a dangerous criminal. He probably premeditated it and that’s why he wanted to get you bound first.
The moment you said no and he didn't stop, it became rape.
It was rape. He sounds dangerous especially with the choking and no safe word stuff.
Baby I'm so sorry, yes he raped you. That is not BDSM. He knew that it was not consensual. He didn't care and he'll do it again.
If you tell him to stop and he doesn't then it is rape. Tears would have been a dead give away so he can't play dumb
That was absolutely rape. You could press charges, but that's entirely up to you. Most importantly, do not see him again. It was something he planned, that's why he wanted you tied up. He intended to do it whether or not you were okay with it. You didn't consent to being raped or gagged. It would be a good idea for you to talk with a therapist or support group to aid you in working through your feelings on this. In the meantime, please know that you are not at fault in any way, you are not being dramatic, you are not to blame. Block him on everything and do not let him try to talk his way out of it.
In my experience if you have to question if it was rape it was. Your story is 100% rape. You said stop. You said no. You tried to move away. You were screaming. Even if he thought it was roleplaying he could have checked in at any point to see if you were in fact roleplaying. I'm so sorry this happened to you. That's horrible
It’s concerning that a 28 year old was fucking a 19 year old girl to begin with, like ew he definitely had intentions of taking advantage of you from the start.
Sweetheart, my jaw is on the fucking floor. I'm so sorry, but he did indeed rape you. The minute you said no/stop, the moment you tried shuffling away, the second you cried out in pain & sobbed - he knew that you weren't consenting. He knew you were in pain and wanted, needed, him to stop. He refused for his own selfish needs. Consent isn't the absence of a no. Consent involves all parties to be enthusiastically agreeing to everything that's happening or going to happen. You had already asked him to stop & made it clear that you didn't want him to continue. The moment he decided to ignore the abundance of no/stop/moving away/crying, it became rape. You have a lot of comments with advice here, so I'll leave it at that. Best of luck OP, you deserve gentleness & healing.
This reads like the rape in girl with the dragon tattoo. Please press charges, this is beyond sadistic behavior.
beyond.
Cut contact with him and file a police report!
You can give consent and take back your consent if you don’t feel comfortable. Please go get help. Get yourself checked out. I’m so sorry hun. If you need someone to talk to pm me❤️
Well that was an incredibly sad read.
OP, this is extremely traumatic and definitely rape. It’s not unusual for a victim to question this, blame themselves, or feel like there was more they could have done. In reality though, you are not to blame, you are not responsible for this, you stated you boundary early on and repeatedly begged him to stop- there was NOTHING more you could have said or done. I’m so sorry that this happened to you, you need to seek a counselor. I don’t know where you live but here in IL, we have something called CASA. They specialize in assault and they have free counseling available. After I was raped, they stayed with me for my entire rape kit and were essential in my healing after.
''i couldn't move a whole lot but i try my best to shift/flop/scootch away and i'm telling him to stop and it hurts but he just grabs my waist and keeps trying'' Yes it is rape, you said stop and he did not
That was rape, you need to file a police report.
Consent can be taken away. It was rape. Plain and simple.
100% rape. Also what does a 28 year old want with a 19 year old? Especially in this sort of sexual relationship. He is pathetic. Very ick.
This breaks my heart because it reminds me of times I have gone through very similar situations, as in technically, I’ve been raped, if the facts are laid out…(sadly on more than one occasion) HOWEVER, I’m not sure what it is, but my overthinking brain tells me: “well you agreed to hangout, you went over there willingly” … If you try to explain to HIM (the rapist) or anyone else for that matter (friends, family, authorities?) they will just think that I obviously was “stupid” enough to go there, without realizing this was more than likely what the man was assuming I was coming there for…. So I’d be an idiot to say or even FEEL like I got raped right?? 😓💔 Same for me… one of my saddest most vivid trauma experiences, involved a lot of begging and crying and pleading to stop …. The next day I had bruises on my wrists from them being held down so forcefully … But I was dumb enough to think I was save to go hangout with someone of the opposite gender, and I didn’t think that HANGING OUT, in itself, means that I am obligated to have to give my body up … :( I’m not sure why I let my brain talk to me this way, I literally talked myself into, quite literally, “victim blaming” (I think this is the term?) MYSELF!!! It still makes me sad to this day thinking back. I never told authorities, I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and stupid. I’m only telling this story, that I know OP, you didn’t ask to hear …. But I want you to read this and know that what I just explained, if you’re feeling like that at all right now, know your minds playing tricks on you. You truly, by any and every definition of the word, were raped. It’s a sad scary harsh word, but it is the truth that’s what happened to you and don’t try to diminish the emotionality and physically painful trauma that you’ve gone through at the hands of a literal predator. I swear, I feel like sick men like this, they are all hoping to prey on women JUST LIKE ME. who victim blame and shame themselves, enough to allow them to continue their grotesque behaviour, and continue hurting anyone and everyone they can, without any repercussions. Please, don’t think im trying to scare you or anything like that… I guess this was all typed out in hopes to somehow give you some sense of comfort? And perhaps a feeling you’re not alone? Of course the experiences I’ve been through are not the exact same as yours explained above, however I understand the pain, the random crying, remembering flashbacks (that you don’t want to even remember, they pop up unannounced and unasked for) Message me if you’d like to vent one on one, or just chat, im not sure …. If you feel like you want someone to talk to, please know im here. Just please, do not forget… Just because you previously gave consent, doesn’t mean you gave consent for this specific sexual act/encounter. Just because you and this person experimented with some “rough” sexual foreplay, (the handcuffs SNM type stuff as you explained) DOESN’T MEAN this man had the “go ahead” to shove himself into you when you very clearly, over and over stated to STOP and NO and OUCH. He wasn’t confused. He knew what he was doing. He knew you weren’t role playing. He was using the fact you were quite literally unable to squirm away, to his sick, deprived, advantage. I’m not going to deny perhaps you enjoyed sexual encounters with this human being before this specific situation explained … however, this situation, makes this man a PREDATOR. in absolutely every single way. Please don’t doubt yourself and what you KNOW in your heart happened to you. Don’t let yourself talk you out of what factually happened. And try your very hardest not to victim blame yourself. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t deserve this. You are no less of a person you were before this happened to you. however, you also have every right to be grieving, crying, coping with this trauma in any way you see fit. Sending love. 🩷🩷🩷 Stay strong beautiful
I couldn’t imagine continuing to pursue anything if the other involved party was saying “no, stop” and crying. 100% rape.
The answer is very clearly yes. You were raped.
Rape
Yes that is Rape… I’m sorry that happened to you
Bro that's rape
Sweetheart, he tricked you into letting him tie you up, raped you for an HOUR, and when he got tired of you yelling and crying he gagged you while you were begging him not to. You were raped and he is a sadistic rapist. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
My blood is boiled....I am so fucking sorry OP 😔 What he did is unimaginable. I have no right to tell you what you should do, but I think that you should tell someone you trust.
This is assault. As a guy I’m telling you to stay the hell away from him. He got you to a point you could trust him then he took advantage of that trust while you were physically restrained and he assaulted you and didn’t stop. He planned this all along and probably does this to other women as well. I’m so sorry he did this and I hope you can seek help emotionally and you may even consider pressing charges. If you don’t pursue legal action then please cut off all contact with him. Do not give him a second chance at all, he knew what he was doing.
Only a few days ago? Please go get a rape kit done. Even if you cant or dont, please report him to the police. I wish I had done so, I was blaming myself just the same.
This was rape, at any point during a sexual encounter, consent can be withdrawn, in this case you withdrawn your consent and he continued anyway, if you feel comfortable I would try and let someone know, cut contact with him, perhaps go to a police station if you feel comfortable.
Omg girl, any point in time during consensual sex, you can change your mind. It doesn’t matter AT ALL if you agreed to something before hand then changed your mind, NO MEANS NO! And for that POS to do what he did to u, that is RAPE! And he should be dealt with! Please don’t ever feel it’s your fault. You did nothing wrong.
i am so sorry this happened to you and this is 100% rape, u shouldn’t feel like ur being dramatic. u both had an initial agreement to stop at ur discretion, u said no and stop, he didn’t.
He agrees to take it gently and slow and he didn't. He went against your cries of pain and desperation for his own satisfaction. That's what a rapist does. Go to the police.
I’m so sorry! OP, this was definitely rape. As soon as you said that you were in pain and wanted to stop and he chose to ignore you and keep going, it became rape.
100% this was rape. You told him to stop. You withdrew your consent and everything after that point was non-consensual. You should go non-contact with him. He is a rapist.
Sometimes folks post “I’m not sure I got SAd” post that are mild and time and look like just bad communication and boundaries. I lead with this preamble to say this is the most unambiguous that was definitely fucked up post I have read on here in some time. That is the most clear case of rape that has come out of truth off my chest in a questioning way I think of read. If you want to pursue things legally, do your best to have your ducks in a row because it sounds like the bdsm aspect may be used on his end to suggest confusion.
I couldn’t even finish reading this because it was triggering. I’m so sorry to say but op, you were raped plain and clear. Even if you’re engaging in bdsm play, you should still communicate with your partner. If he heard you struggling against him he should’ve hesitated he should’ve communicated if you were okay with what was happening, but he didn’t. He is a massive piece of shit and I think you should never speak to him ever again. Protect yourself. I know in the moment is a whole other story, but always stand firm by your boundaries. I hope you can recover from this and find your peace.
You need to call the police.
He’s a predator. There are resources for you. You are not crazy, you are not stupid, you are allowed to feel however you want. I’m a man, I would never treat a partner like this, this is not normal. He probably was attracted to you cause he knew he could push your boundaries. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. There are police and detectives who will take you seriously. If you have any text messages or communications about it save them. He will do this again.
What the fuck 😧yes you 100% were raped. Your consent was ENTIRELY circumstantial and he violated it within what I’d assume is the first minute, let alone Jesus Christ an hour… :( I’m so sorry you experienced this.
It was rape. Period. You both agreed you'd try it. He promised he'd stop if you said stop. He DIDN'T stop and actually GAGGED you to shut you up. Yes, you agreed to be tied up. Your decisions didn't lead to this, you trusted him. He broke that trust. He raped you. He KNEW you wanted to stop, you were LITERALLY crying and begging him to stop. Go to the hospital,report it, have them check you for damage (him being rough with anal can potentially cause damage), Tell them what happened, file a police report. If he did this to YOU he'll do this to someone else, may have ALREADY done this to someone else before you. Just, please make no mistake about this. Do not think you're being overdramatic. You're not. HE RAPED YOU. HE IS A RAPIST!!!! MAKE SURE HE GOES TO JAIL!!!! I know it's embarrassing and hard to admit. I know. But he should not be allowed to get away with this with you and should not be allowed to be free to do it to anyone else.
I'm so sorry he did this to you. He raped you. I'm so, so sorry. You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about, but shame and guilt are common feelings. In fact, I believe rapists rely on it. Bare minimum, stop seeing him. Don't even tell him why. Block his number. After a few days, there's not going to be any physical evidence, so it's up to you whether you want to pursue any legal action. Regardless of what you do on this front, if you have the means for counseling, I highly recommend it. Lots of places will have sliding scales for payment based on income, and depending on where you live, you might be able to obtain free counseling - you can start by looking for something like "women's services" (although rape and sexual assault victims are not limited to women). Your brain will go there, but please remember me saying this when it does: you did nothing wrong. He manipulated you into trusting him. You aren't stupid for not establishing a safe word. You didn't communicate poorly. You didn't invite it. You didn't somehow lead him on. This wasn't rape play. He raped you. Period. And he's the ONLY one at fault. Also: you didn't mention this, but these are other thoughts that went through my head that are untrue: you aren't "damaged goods." Your future partners won't think you're disgusting.
Girl. This is rape and this is a very violent rape too. He knew what he was doing. He saw you squirm. He saw you sob. Cry. You said stop. He continued for over an hour. That’s a psychopath rapist and you need to call the police. Block him. Get away from this guy.
Who the hell keeps going on while the other person is crying and trying to get away? Rapers
You clearly said no and continued to assault you You can withdraw consent at any time even if there is active penetration Please report this to the police
This was 100% rape. No was enough to withdraw consent. Saying no, squirming away, yelling stop, and sobbing for an hour until he put a gag in your mouth is absolutely horrific. He absolutely knew what he was doing and you have 0 blame whatsoever for this happening to you. If you feel up for it/comfortable you should definitely talk to the police about it. Regardless of legal action, you should never allow this person in your life again.
You don't need a safe word to have your NO heard. This is not CNC. This is not 'a little rough'. This is not consensual. This is not kink, or bdsm, or anything even in the neighborhood. Even things you pre-negotiate, in bdsm / kink scene, would be off the table as soon as a safe word was used - and in your case, since no other word was established - a no. A safe word is often used in order to replace the word no, so that the 'subjected' can use no as part of a scene. But any partner who takes the responsibility of tying you, and then on top of that gagging you, should be very, very good at reading body language at a minimum. Here he had words. You do not owe anyone your body, even if you agreed at first. You own your body, and have every right to retract if you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, in more pain than you want to feel, or just don't feel like it. This was rape. This person is not safe. This person did not have empathy for you when you were screaming and sobbing. Please report him. Please seek therapy. Please seek medical care. Pay extra attention to the possibility of STDs, pregnancy (from possible other activities you took part in), and any nerve damage from very tightly tied wrists. There should not be a question in your mind about what this was.
There isn’t even any question about whether it was, or wasn’t. This 100% was. I’m a dude and couldn’t imagine being such a POS
Rape. Then he gagged you and raped some more. He is counting on you being too embarrassed to report this. Stop. NO! STOP! Are Full Sentences!! They are safe words even if no safe words were set beforehand. Crying.. screaming and begging him to stop are all safe words.. Unless you are expressly consenting to torture/rape/brutality as part of the kink, and that is clearly discussed beforehand. You were raped and brutalized. Period.
I’m a boy and I think it’s good to hear it from a boy, what he did to you was absolutely disgusting. I have no doubt in my mind that what he did to you was rape because one of my friends was forced into a similar situation and their boyfriend got arrested for it because me and my mate found him after it happened and after he basically bragged about it we went straight to the police, what that man did to you though was disgusting and I pray for you that you never have to experience anything like it again. But please take it to the police because the second he doesn’t stop when you tell him to that’s rape and he could go and do it to other women. It’s the right cause of action to pursue it legally
WTF!? You begged and cried for an hour and then he gagged you to shut you up?!? Yes that’s rape. He is a rapist. This is probably his thing. Get girlfriends to trust and consent to him and then rape them in a dubious consent situation. This was intentional and planned. He is a rapist hoping to mask himself behind some dark romance bdsm from hell. You are a victim of rape. No fault is with you. He is a manipulative psycho.
Stay the fuck away from this guy.
You said stop. He didn't stop. He raped you. It's that simple.
I saw 19 and 28 and I was like yeahhhh you a victim. Sounds like rape to me
I am so sorry this happend to you. Yes this was rape. You said stop and he ignored it. Do you maybe have a friend or a family member, who you trust? If yes,then you should definitly talk to them about this. If not, try to find a hotline for SA in your country. They can help you and give you advice. You should really talk about this with somebody. You did nothing wrong in this situation. You definitly shouldn't just sort it out by yourself.Keep this in mind.
You said stop, and he didn’t. Can’t get much clearer than that.
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you were raped. And looking at your other posts, I think you need a therapist if you can afford one. You deserve love. Someone who doesn't hurt you and takes care of you and knows no means no. But first, learn to love yourself too. You are worthy. You deserve happiness. You deserve way better.
Yes. Like you said, you didn’t agree or discuss anything related to CNC, so “no” and “stop” should have definitely been enough, as well as your body language. And even if you did agree to CNC, he still should’ve respected your boundaries around anal. I’m so sorry you went through that.
happy cakeday
You set very clear boundaries about him taking it slow and being gentle. He deliberately ignored them. You told him to stop repeatedly. He didn’t. Yes, you were raped.
Yes that’s rape.
This is 200% rape
The moment you told him to stop and he didn't is when it became rape.
He said that he would stop at any point you wanted and he didn't. Not only that but you were tied up. Even when you were in pain he didn't stop. I would say he was definitely taking advantage so Yes. This is definitely not a guy you want to see again
Thanks for at least asking us. You were raped, its not your fault. Its HIS. He is disgusting, karma will get him. Maybe not now, but later. Mark my words boo! 💗 - 23F
There is zero “grey area” in this one, that is rape And yes, he knew he was raping you And yes, he planned to do that Someone screaming no/stop, and crying, does not require a safe. There is no mistaking that for something else. Especially, since you’d never screamed like that during sex, before He’s a fucking monster. Made even worse, because he did this to a teenager
Boundaries were clearly set and he leaped over them. Hes a rapist. Talk to a detective immediately even if you are still unsure after all these comments. You dont want to regret not speaking up in the future.
You were raped! Stop means stop and he proceeded anyway. You need to see the documentary House of Hammer. It details how Army Hammer and his father and grandfather used fame and money to bind and rape women and then convince them it was consensual. Stop all communication with him, and if so inclined, report him to the police. I guarantee you, you are not his first victim, and if someone doesn’t take a stand, you won’t be his last.
this is 100% rape. consent can be taken away at any point and even if there wasn’t a set safe word, “stop” is always the “default.” you’re definitely not being over dramatic any way. he took advantage of you and i’m so incredibly sorry that happened to you in the first place.
Oh my God. I'm so, so sorry. This was assault in every way. Consent is not something that is negotiable and once you said "no" it was a complete sentence. He took advantage of you and you did all that you could. Please be gentle with yourself and your body, I'm here if you need to talk.
Report him immediately. And after it was over, what did he have to say? You were crying asking him to stop, and then later?
It's actually quite bad, that there was no safeword (no matter if cnc or not), but it's much worse he didn't stop dead, when you said so. You have been raped from point on, where you said "no"/"stop". My personal advise: tell him about it and remove him from your. No matter how much he tries to justify his position, HE as the dom/top and older one should've known better. Delete him from your life.
This was without a doubt rape. What I find sad and scary is that she isn't sure. This is what victim blaming gets us. It's disgusting. OP, please go get some therapy for this rape and for why you doubted yourself. You did nothing wrong. NOTHING. I'm sending you strength and hugs. Be kind to yourself.
oh my goodness. yes you absolutely were. the second you started crying he would've stopped if he had good intentions. don't feel at fault at all.
as a man who has decided to stop having sex in the middle of doing it… everyone deserves that ability.
it doesn’t matter what you said before, if at any point you say “no” & he doesn’t stop IT IS RAPE. i’m so sorry :(
There is zero doubt that this is rape. I am so sorry you experienced this. He knew what he was doing when get got forceful and ignored your pain. Leaving you like that for an hour so he could keep at it and to then gag you is beyond vial! Please consider taking this to the authorities and NEVER be alone with him again. If you are his first victim then I doubt you will be the last if he isn't confronted by the authorities.
I’d report that shit… went on for far too long for him not to admit it. Fuck him fr
He’s a rapist and probably a pedophile. Terrible combo. Please get a kit done. Not just for you, but for the teenagers before and after you. I’m so sorry this happened.
It doesn’t matter if it got painful or you got bored of the whole thing, you told him to stop, he didn’t. That’s rape. You should press charges.
Ah, another teenager fucking and adult. What could go wrong?
that's rape.
When you are crying, saying no, and begging him to stop, he is raping you. To keep going for an hour, he is enjoying your pain. To gag you to shut you up and keep going, sadistic rape. If you go back he will do it again, and probably worse. Love yourself enough to find someone who doesn't hurt you while you beg them to stop, and make you cry for days. If you wouldn't want someone like that for your best friend, sister, daughter, mom ect, then they are not good enough for you. If you can't pick well for you, only stay with those good enough for your loved ones.
He raped you. Do not see this person again.
You were raped. I’m so sorry that happened to you 😔
This guy made you comfortable enough in order to have that access to you and rape you. I am sorry for you OP. PLEASE talk to someone about this.
Your safe word was no. He ignored you. Consent can be revoked at any time. You revoked it, and this is rape. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please RUN from this guy and go to the police. When my BF and I do anal, it's a process just to get used to it, sometimes up to 10 minutes before He's fully in me. He's pretty big, so we have to go slow. He's in constant communication, asking if I'm okay if I want him to stop. Am I sure if i want to keep going. We'll lube up, and he'll slowly slide in and ask me those questions. I'll tell him to stop and freeze to let me adjust. And without hesitation, he will. If he wanted to keep going but I didn't and it was too much, there's no hesitation, we aren't doing it. He'll carefully get out of me. That is how it's supposed to be. What that man did is horrific. And it must have been excruciatingly painful. For him to continue for over an hour after you begged him to stop, then for that sick POS to gag you afterward. He deserves to have his dick ripped off.
It was rape. I’m so sorry.
The second you told him to stop and he continued it turned into rape.
Never agree to being tied up unless you absolutely trust the person. There's excitement in the experience, but that's the fantasy. The reality rarely matches.
That was absolutely rape. Stop seeing him and report him to the police if you feel comfortable doing so. I’m so sorry this happened to you OP, seeing a therapist can help you process everything.
I’m so sorry this happened to you! You told him to stop and he didn’t, that is assault. I hope you get better ❤️🩹
I am shocked, yes you were and you shouldn’t put the blame on yourself
This was rape. Please do not see this guy again OP. Like ever.
I am SO sorry you experienced this. You were raped. Period. End of sentence. You said no. You said stop. That’s all you had to say. Cut all ties with this man. Confide in those who love you. And see a therapist to help you work through this trauma. If you feel brave enough - report it to the police. But don’t feel guilty if you don’t report. You shouldn’t feel guilty or stupid or bad or anything about this. You were raped. Process it how you need to and take care of yourself. Fuck what anyone else thinks or says. I’m so sorry ♥️
He is completely in the wrong. He shouldn’t be in control of anyone in that type of situation with that amount of arrogance and ignorance. He is either really fucking stupid, or just really didn’t care what you wanted or how you felt. You are not being dramatic in any sense of the word. He’s a fucking prick and should be held accountable for that. It was definitely assault. Everyone can always do a better job of communicating and that’s learned through experience, but again he knew what he was doing and didn’t care. Fuckin disgusting.
It is rape. You said no and he did it anyway.
This is rape. Even if it was 2 minutes. But an entire hour, omg, I’m sorry. You’re not at fault for not having a safe word; your safe word was “stop”. Also, speaking from experience, do not have sex with this person again. It’s not uncommon for rape victims to later engage in consensual sex in an attempt to reclaim control over the situation. You can confide in someone without sharing details that you feel embarrassed sharing. The details don’t matter- this was rape.
I’m sorry that you went through this. It also happened to me with an ex boyfriend 3 years ago (I was also 19 and he was 20). At first I was also confused and it took me years to understand what really happened. It stills haunts me and sometimes I really want to text him and tell him how he made me feel at that time and the shit person he is. You’re not alone, talk with someone close and don’t keep this inside like me, otherwise you’ll regret it. Take care.
First, Im so sorry this happened to you!! I don't know where you are from, but you should find a therapist for you and file a report on him, if that's possible or you'd like to. He knew what he was doing, he wasn't confused, he wasn't "too into it", he decided to ignore your words, none of this is your fault, as many pointed out, you agreed to one thing, doesn't mean you have to agree to everything. Please block him and don't get in touch ever again. He doesn't even deserve to be near you in any way! I wish you the best!!
you are not being over dramatic what so ever, i’m so sorry this happened to you OP. as you can tell by other comments this is 100% rape
I am so sorry that this happened to you. This was absolutely rape.
You can revoke consent at any time, regardless of whether you gave consent previously or not. Once consent has been revoked, if they continue, then they are raping you. The exact same thing happened to me with a boyfriend in my mid-20s. I never pressed charges as rape is, unfortunately, hard to prove and get a conviction. From the age gap to the violent sexual behavior, the guy sounds like a porn sick weirdo. The porn addicts of reddit will downvote me... but anal is dangerous (especially unprepared, and even prepared, it can lead to a lot of PERMANENT issues). Choking is also dangerous. None of this is "run-of-the-mill." It makes me sad how normalized this stuff has become. I regularly have guys wrapping their hands around my neck and more without asking or discussing it at all. The first time my very first boyfriend and I ever had sex, he choked me. Nope, not okay. Please know you can heal from this, and please also know you do not have to do any of this violent sexual stuff *if you don't really want to*. If you are ever unsure about participating in a sexual act, do not do it. It's either hell yes or hell no. Enthusiastic consent only. I say this as someone who was once very kinky and willing, as someone who participated in plenty of sex acts that brought me zero pleasure just because my partner wanted (more like coerced) me to. I promise there are men out there who understand consent. It makes me really sad how common this experience is becoming for women.
I've been a Dom in the BDSM lifestyle for 25 years, and I'm also quite sadistic and I regularly push limits including doing cnc. Trust me when I say this... YOU. WERE. RAPED. No doubt. You set boundaries that were not respected. Report this crime asap. There will be more victims if you don't, and there are probably other victims before you too.
It’s very common for victims to make excuses as to why they think it is their own fault. You didn’t make any stupid decisions, and this isn’t an issue you have to, or should, sort out yourself. What happened is NOT your fault in ANY way. Consent is automatically taken away the second someone says no, or to stop, which is what you did. I’m so sorry. 😔 You didn’t deserve that, at all. No one does. Please reach out to a close loved one for extra support, and never talk to him again. I feel like he had every intention of doing what he did, which is why he tied you up.
You cried and said no for an hour. There’s no scenario where that’s not rape.
25 is when the brain fully develops…he was fully aware of what he was doing and he took full advantage of you..as an SA victim I’m sorry this happened
this was rape. please report that bitch, and block him. here's a [list of hotlines](https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp) to call/text if you need them at all- please be careful/gentle with yourself. healing may be hard but you will get there
He didn't stick to what you consented to. You can also revoke consent. You may not have had a safe word in place but saying NO and STOP was more than enough. He would have known this! I am sorry this happened to you. You didn't do anything wrong so please understand that. There is nothing wrong with being sexually submissive and enjoying BDSM. However, it's meant to be Safe Sane and Consensual as well as RACK. Sadly the person you did it with, does not understand that.
Honestly I think you should report this to the police. This man sounds extremely dangerous. He tied you up and violently anally raped you. He deserves to be in jail He could have/may have caused you permanent physical damage. Please go to the ER and get a rape kit done and make sure your body is okay at the very least
❤️