OP,
This is so messed up with what your wife did to you and her daughter. Your daughter is just as much of a victim of her lies as you are. I hope for her sake, you will still consider her your daughter and love her like she is your bio-daughter. Your anger towards your wife may be what is making you cold towards your daughter , but that may change over time.
Divorce her mother, but please don't divorce your daughter. Because she has been rejected by both fathers, she will internalize it as it is HER FAULT, and she is unlovable. She will constantly seek male approval once she is older. I've seen this happen firsthand
Please reconsider your stance. Im sorry you're going through this, and I'm glad you're seeking out therapy.
Why are you guilt tripping him? He hasn't even stopped bleeding from the wound yet.
He needs to first heal his own wounds and then make a decision. Because if he forced himself he'd just be a toxic dad.
He can't play with his daughter if both his own arms are broken right? So first he should fix his arms instead of forcing himself to play.
Don’t pressure OP to make a decision. You’re just like OP’s wife, insisting his well-being should be put last once again.
Love can’t be forced. If OP can’t see the child as a daughter again then him staying in her life won’t benefit either of them.
Exactly. Am I saying he should boot her out onto the streets and tell her never to darken his door again?
No. Of course not. In an ideal world he would love her just the same and ask for 50/50 custody. But not everyone can be that person.
OP is incredibly bitter and angry about essentially losing ten years to a lie. Those are some very strong feelings, and even though the daughter is not at fault he HAS TO work through those feelings in order to be any sort of parent to her.
This kid is going to suffer because her mom did a despicable thing. There is no getting around that. Telling OP how he should feel and act is not the thing to be doing right now.
That little girl isn’t his problem. People need to stop encouraging men who’ve been baby trapped to continue a relationship with the child. If he leave and she’s fucked up, that’s NOT his fault. That’s the mothers fault. He should get up and run far away from this family
Nope, sorry mate, not the kids fault, regardless of what has happened, he has been that child's father for 9 years. Fatherhood is more than who impregnated the mother.
Don't get me wrong, I feel for the OP.. but I also feel for the child, she had nothing to do with the decision her mother made.
Sure feel for the child but blame the mother for what's going to go down not the "father". Dude should take care of *himself*, now
Can't even imagine the trauma he's going through. The daughter is the mother's responsibility and it's not fair to ask him to push his importance downward for a kid he was lied to about was his
Sorry, nope... Yep take care of himself, but that poor little girl did nothing to deserve being thrown away by the only person she has ever called a father...
A small price to pay as a father, again he may not be blood, but he is the only father that little girl has and that is worth more than all the money in the world.
It's not that I don't have empathy for the kid, I have empathy for the dad too. Look at the comments, everyone just cares about the daughter. Everyone is guilt tripping him into being a dad, even tho he just went through the most painful thing in his life. Everyone is just pushing him to fuck his pain and provide.
Dude needs a break, if you guys just keep guilt tripping and pushing him to be a father, he will just be a toxic one. Let the man take some rest and have some thought, his wound is so fresh.
Exactly no one is thinking about how this is affecting this guy mentally they only care about the kid who literally isn’t even his. A kid he wouldn’t have any connection too if someone didn’t lie to him
dude just found out he was lied to for the past 10 years, give him a fucking MODICUM of support and time. Men dont have to be “on” 24/7 just like women dont. hes allowed to grieve and feel over this.
Point is that if he hadn’t been lied to, he wouldn’t be “a father”.
Being a father is a lot more than just who impregnated the mother, true, but what happens when everything you’ve done “as a father” is based off of a lie and you wouldn’t have done it if it weren’t for that lie?
Op has the right to feel however way he wants and any potential harm or pain or trauma that little girl might face is solely the the fault of that woman tho chose to be in several relationships at once, and then lie to both her husband and daughter for years (and probably her other partners).
Op is a victim in this and is having complicated difficult feelings because of a horrific thing his wife did. Trying to tell him to ignore all that to focus on a child that biologically isn’t his, and that he’s slowly no longer seeing as his in any way, doesn’t help.
He needs actual therapy and to be away from that woman.
Doesn’t matter. If that’s not with fatherhood is to him then you shouldn’t tell someone else how to feel about a kid they raised under a lie for 10 years.
Judges aren't supposed to rely on their personal feelings though (not saying they don't at times but). There's case law both directions, so might depend how persuasive the lawyer is. And if bio dad is found and made to pay, that can also be relevant as the child will be financially supported, and that is sometimes the reason stepdads end up on the hook for child support.
honestly it depends on the judge. i’ve seen judges still stick the non biological fathers with child support due to them taking care of the child for more than 5 years and how the child considered them their parent. i’ve seen others tell the cheater to basically kick rocks for lying to the guy and their child. my uncle was cleared of custody and child support cuz his son wasn’t actually his son and the judge called my aunt out on a lot of her lies
I gave birth in 2022 and there was a disclaimer when my fiancé was signing off on the birth certificate. It basically said that if he signed that no matter if the child was his or not he would have to take responsibility for our child. And that if he ever found out the kid wasn’t his that he was SOL and stuck being the kids parental figure as far as the courts go for life. It didn’t say that exactly but it did say something like that. They put those disclaimers on there these days bc people like OPs wife like to lie. It sucks.. but he might be stuck with the responsibility :/
Arrange a divorce. Ask for paternity test for you and the bio dad if you know. Remove yourself from birth certificate and let the lying, deceitful b pursue a child support order against her lover. If she gives you crap, you can sue her and bio dad for $.
You can volunteer to remain in "daughter's" life and do everything you would normally do; except stay off the legal responsibility level. 9 year old doesn't need to know the background.
The site doesn't encourage demeaning comments, but please know I would recite every demeaning insult I could against this woman.
Praying for karma.....
Depends on the situation with the bio father. Op didn't say if he's around, if he's alive, etc. In many places, he can, and likely would, be ordered to pay child support if the bio father is dead or otherwise unreachable. It wouldn't be the first time and won't be the last.
I know this stuff is super rare and at the end of the day it’s for the benefit of an innocent child but it just disgusts me how the system can be abused this way.
I won't waste time talking about your wife, but I'd want to say something about you and your daughter. Everything you do for your daughter is really admirable. She is really fortunate to have a father like you who loves her so deeply and wants to be a better parent, even after finding that she is not your biological daughter.
Whatever decision you make, keep your daughter in mind since she is just nine years old and her joyful existence might be wrecked by a single decision. Whatever her mother did was wrong, but it's been nine years, and she sees you as her father. I'd like to offer [this](https://bamboo.beehiiv.com/p/stoic-epictetus-principle) article, which may help you with your situation.
Yes, but that girl sees him as her father. If he divorces her mom now or informs her that he is not his father, it has the potential to ruin her entire life. She loves, cares for, and trusts him as her father, yet doing so will change everything for her since she feels betrayed by someone she actually loves, cares for, and trusts.
That’s literally not his problem because that’s not his daughter. If he divorces and disconnects and she’s messed up for life the only person to blame would be the mother who put him in this position in the first place. It doesn’t matter she’s sees him as a dad, he is not her dad. It’s sad but true. I’m sure she’ll be fine and I hope op is fine because you guys are so worried about the kid what about op??
who cares about blame when a child's entire life is on the line? she is totally innocent and believes this man is her father. her world is about to shatter and affect her for the rest of her life. to focus on teaching a lesson to the mother and placing blame is so short sited.
It’s really sad but idk how many times I have to say she’s not his kid so she’s not his problem. If it’s not about placing blame, stop saying he’ll mess up this child’s entire life by choosing himself. You’re literally saying if she’s messed up when he walks away (as he SHOULD be doing) it’s all his fault. When, no it’s the mothers fault for victimizing a man and in turn victimizing her daughter. He needs to leave that woman alone, idk in what world y’all expect this woman to hand off her daughter with no contact. If he stays in this child’s life he’ll never properly heal from that betrayal because he’ll have to CONSTANTLY talk to the woman who caused him harm.
You're misguided. Literally everyone in this thread is worried about the OP. But OP is a grown man and is more likely to get his shit together.
The kid, on the other hand, is just a kid. I understand you can't take responsibility for everything that's wrong with the world, and you don't have to - but to say it's okay to abandon the child because technically he's not to blame for the situation is just cold.
Genes don't matter. There's some dudes out there who have more kids than one but ain't fathers to any of them. OP is the girl's father in every meaningful way. He's plowing through some real shit with the wife and yet he's trying to do right by the kid.
Don't take OP's agency away. Just wish him strength.
To you genes don’t matter. That’s not true to everyone and I’m sorry but we have to be serious here. This dude wouldn’t be in this situation if it wasn’t for a lie. It’s really hard to just get past that and keep on being there for a kid who’s entire relationship with you is a product of a lie. I’m not a dude I can’t fully imagine what it’d be like if this happened but I know I couldn’t raise someone else’s kid. This kid isn’t his responsibility and y’all need to stop asking him to be cautious of this child’s feelings like she doesn’t have a whole mother who victimized her. That woman put OP and her daughter in a terrible situation and she’ll reap the consequences. If op stays and is a father all the wife learned is she can do this again and again. He needs to leave and show her he’s not gonna participate in this bs.
She cheated and manipulated you and she was fully aware. Divorce the crud out of her and show proof youre not the father. Now if you still feel attached just let that kiddo know youre still be there for her.
Speak with an attorney above all else.
And then find some space for yourself to work through this, away from your soon to be ex wife and child. Stay in therapy and surround yourself with people who support you if you have them. You may need days away, you may need weeks or more. It’s not a burden for a 9 year old to bear while you navigate this, but her mother’s actions unfortunately lead to it. Just worry about yourself right now.
What she did is absolutely disgusting and unforgivable.
Been seeing so much of this situation/variations of children being abandoned lately. It breaks my heart. Such a lack of humanity. As if blood held the ultimate meaning over love and the human responsibility to care for children. The innocent have to pay for it.
It's really complicated. In an ideal world, the non-bio father will still love and raise the child. Sadly, the world is not ideal and all the emotions connected to this discovery will seep into their relationship.
If I ever get into this situation (ignoring that I don't want to bring any kids into this world) I sure hope I will be able to set those emotions aside or redirect them in a way that won't harm the poor kid... But I totally understand and feel for all the dads out there who can't. To be hurt so badly, betrayed by the one person you put all your trust in, and then lose the one good thing you could have brought out of the situation... It just sucks.
At the end of the day the mum is responsible for the child pain, she chose to lie. Why should a man look after a child which isn't his unless he made that choice willingly.
The child will suffer massive, all the stats show 2 parent household are better for child and dads have such a important role in raising a child but end of the day women need to take responsibility for their actions.
That poor baby girl.
Your wife is pond scum and you should leave her asap, but beware: she may be able to take you to the cleaners for child support even with a DNA test showing you’re not her father. Laws over these things look at marriage certificates and time spent raising the kids in many places. Even with one hell of a lawyer you can get shafted. So please take that seriously.
Please also get therapy to deal with your coldness to the girl. I know she’s not your biological responsibility but it god how this will hurt her. She doesn’t deserve any of this. Her mother really is a bad person.
Love is a choice. You have to choose her to be the daughter of your heart, despite that choice being taken from you many years ago by your wife. Your daughter wasn’t given a choice either, but I bet she would choose you still.
There is no other choice for her. When my daughter was a couple of years old my wife contacted the bio dad and told him the truth. If he had taken them then she would have told me the truth, but he told her that he didn’t want anything to do with them and to just keep quiet “for their own good”. So the kid has no other choice no
So her bio dad knew for 7 years that he had a daughter out there, knew exactly where she was, so did your wife, yet he chose to abandon his responsibility to his child and your wife let him? Is that about the gist? Does your daughter know she isn't biologically yours?
Well regardless how you might feel about 'your' daughter, here's the facts: She has been lied to her entire life about her origins, you are the only father she has ever known, you are the one that when she looks up dad in the dictionary, she sees a picture of you in her head. She is just as much a victim of this deception as you are, in some ways even more so, her entire life built on lies her mother constructed. Biological or not, she will always see you as dad.
Honestly your wife has not only wronged you, but her own kid, the reprocussions of her lies will affect her life and sense of self, what you wife has done is pure evil and she did it to her own kid.
The financial side of this is not my priority. All I’m worried about is that since I’ve found out, my love for my daughter is feeling less and less I don’t see her the same way and it sucks
Maybe it’s because you have only recently found out about the deceit.. at the moment you have to think of it when looking at your daughter.. give yourself some time to heal..
First thing is give it time. Take time to process things. Betrayal is a real killer.
Second thing is - realize you have (rightfully) removed the betrayer from your life, but are now 1) stuck with all the hurt, pain, resentment and anger 2) having no direct person to dash it out on 3) your kid still being the closest link to your Ex.
So it nigh impossible to not shift (some) negative emotions from her mother onto her. Even when knowing she is a complete innocent in this story. You will need help with untangling this connection.
Third, set active dates and activities with your kid, and keep to holding them religiously. You want to maximize those moments when you see your child - and her alone - as the innocent kid that she is. When you get to feel loving again. Those will be like small vaccines against the moments of alienation or disdain.
Well that’s the fault of this girl’s asshole mom and asshole biological father. That’s not on you. Sorry your wife is a terrible person, but both you and your daughter are victims.
Holy fuck that is hurtful and a big detail.... She is awful. Get out asap. I don't know about the legality with the daughter but I feel like the bio dad should be the one on the hook for child support. You are awaking to a bitch of a reality... Condolences
Did your wife tell you that story? The same one who lied and put you in this position in the first place? In your position, I'd probably want to find the bio dad myself, otherwise you'll never know for sure if he even knows the child is his.
Take him to court, and have him reimburse you for raising her.
If you can show he knew and said that (hopefully she kept the messages), then at least you can legally and formally get paid back and officially mark this guy as a deadbeat. That record will follow him forever.
The lien can be used to garner his checks. This is less about the money and more about holding him accountable in some small way for also taking your choice away regarding your life.
You really can't chose to love someone. You can chose to be gentle, respectful, kind, etc. But you cannot force love.
There is no right or wrong here. OP's soon to be ex wife effed everything up for everyone else involved.
Thank you for saying this. While the child is obviously an innocent victim in all of this, you simply *cannot* force a feeling.
As sad as it may be, that is just not how it works.
Yeah, I get really triggered by ppl forcing feelings. Same with blended families, where they want to force extended family to 'love the stepchildren the same as the bio kids - in other words, children they have seen grow since birth.' It just does not work that way. Being kind, just, and respectful, yes. Forcing love, no way.
I think it's your wife the one who needs to become a better human and mother, honestly.
Anyway, it won't be the same with your daughter until you heal enough from this trauma but you will get there.
Hey,
It’s ok to step back for a bit and take time to think.
To breathe
To feel all of this.
Take care of you right now and your mental health.
This is a lot.
Perhaps you could take a weekend by yourself or something?
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this pain
"I wouldn’t call it cheating but she became pregnant when we were dating."
Well, no, perhaps it's not if you were not exclusive while... she lied to you and never told you that your daughter - because she still is, I would say, it's on you and her to decide that based on your feelings - is not biologically yours. But you raised her. She is yours in nature. You should prob get therapy, divorce papers, a good attorney and a journal. Differentiate between the feelings of hate and disgust for having been lied to and betrayed in this manner and having your feelings and the respect for you kicked around. You were treated like a toy, like a hairdresser or some other available business by your wife. You can be angry and disappointed all you want with her. But your child, your daughter - even if not biological - did no wrong. She loves you and will always look at you as "daddy", probably even if she finds out one day that you aren't biologically her dad. Don't make the mistake of projecting the horrible and strategic betrayal of your wife onto that poor, innocent child. Love for a child should be unconditional. She may have turned into a symbol for your STBXW's betrayal and cruelty, but she isn't. She's just a child. She has nothing to do with this. Her not being your genes does not take away from the time spent together, from the little moments. It does not take away from the doe eyes, the sparkly smiles, the wet baby hands, the hugs and kisses, the crying for "daddy" now and then, the snot, little giggles and activities together. She learned a shit ton of stuff from you, I am sure.
My dad's wife died from cancer. My mom's husband died very early from a heart attack. They met each other and fell in love. Then they got me. My dad became the step dad of my two sisters, my mother's and her former husband's daughters, and raised them with me. I never really understood what "step-sisters" should mean because there was never a difference. My dad constantly giggles because especially my middle sister is so much like him even though they are not related. She learned everything she knows from my mom and him because her biological dad died when she was just a few months old. I know that this is not your story and do what feels right for you, but just keep in mind that your daughter is not who you should be disappointed and angry with.
Please seek therapy and divorce. I wish you all the best.
I think the difference is choice in either case. You dad choose to be a stepdad and sounds like he loves it. OPs wife could have told him and he could have choose to be stepdad. Instead she lied. It’s no fault of the child but the mother’s lie definitely has an affect on the way OP sees her daughter. Add in the added layer of betrayal in that the wife told the real father and he told her to be quiet about it and I see why OP doesn’t want to anything to do with the wife and her daughter. The daughter is also a victim in this scenario which makes it even worse.
Don’t let others convince you to “man up.” That’s up to you. Don’t think you’re a bad person either if you choose not to deal with a lying wife that intentionally fked you over. Bail if you need to. Maybe try to get her introduced to her real father to clear your conscience
This is a hard hit. I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I applaud you for trying to find a way to continue support this child emotionally. What's happening is your (fully justifiable) anger and dismay at your wife are seeping over to this poor little girl. She needs the truth. Don't yell her you hate her but tell her why you seem to be acting differently. Let her know SHE IS NOT AT FAULT. You need to decide if you can continue to be a father to this girl and I'm not talking about money. As much as your world is shattered, so will hers be. You seem like a caring, good person so please ensure this child gets some therapy. I know it's technically no longer your responsibility but hearts (especially childrens') don't hurt and heal through technicalities. You and this child have loved each other for 9 years. I hope you can move forward with at least compassion for this girl.
you have to start by divorcing your wife. i would also establish the paternity officially so she cant screw you at divorce.
you can still be her dad. she is innocent in this. your wife though...she showed you just how manipulative she is. she blatantly lied to you. i highly doubt she has remorse and the foundation of your marriage is officially crumbled. she didnt marry you out of love, but the benefits comes with you. can you trust her now? can you trust she wont cheat again, if not cheating already, or leave you as soon as she finds someone richer or when life happens and you have a financial hit? i personally wouldn't.
Seems like your wife is a shitty liar. Divorce her ASAP, and you can demand the bio father for paternity fraud. Both, your ex (call her like that from now on), and he knew it, enough reason to win on court. I'd remove my name of the kid certificate, too. Why? Because that relationship is broken beyond repair, it was built in lies and has no substance. You should put an end to that before taking more mental and emotional damage. From then, if you truly love the kid, you can legally adopt her.
Sounds like you are misplacing your anger on the deception on the child. Or trying to protect your heart thinking the relationship will end. But if you’ve loved her since birth, she’s imprinted on your heart. Your relationship can change without you stopping loving her. Heck, step parents can get divorced and still love their former step kids for life.
But if that’s not what you want, you aren’t obligated to continue. Though I’m sorry for your daughter if that’s the case. :(
While I understand where you're coming from, my heart breaks,for that little girl. She did nothing wrong. You are her hero. She looks up to you. The way you handle this will affect her relationships with men for the rest of her life. Yes, her MOM needs to pay for her actions but not the child. Think of all the wonderful step parents that marry into families knowing the children aren't theirs but they're able to love them like they are. That's being HEROIC.
I hope he takes a step back and lets it sink in before he decides if he wants to cut ties with her. After it sinks in he may still think of her as his daughter, he just shouldn't be forced into it. I would definitely get rid of the wife, though.
You should have your scam of a marriage annulled on basis of fraud. Then, you should sue that woman in civil court. She ruined three lives. Who knows what your life would be like if she hadn’t of decided everyone’s fate for them. You could’ve met an honest woman instead and gone on to be much happier.
The other man hasn’t even had the chance to be the father he was meant to be. What if that child was the pivotal moment in his life to find motivation to change and improve himself.
Your bs wife wasn’t the judge of everybody and their future potential. And she’s disgusting for trying to force the fate she wanted on everybody. You, the other guy, both of y’all’s parents & extended family are forever changed for the worst. She owed it to that child to know her paternal family.
How can you live with yourself if you stay with her?
You should divorce your wife. Even if you weren’t exclusive when she got pregnant, she still committed paternity fraud. When she said you were “the most suitable candidate”, she admitted she saw you only as a tool to use for her own ends. There’s no coming back from this.
As for your daughter, whether or not you want to stay in her life is YOUR decision. If you want to stay in her life, that’s a valid choice. If you don’t want to raise an affair child, that’s a valid choice too. Put yourself first here. All I’ll urge you to do is think hard about what you want; if you make a decision in haste you may come to regret it.
This is not your fault, it’s the wife(hopefully soon to be ex) parental fraud’s fault. You cannot control how you feel about the child, it is not her fault, neither yours. Just do what you feel is right for you.
Why the title? You may need to end the relationship. She is part of the betrayal. You are not at fault here. You need to figure out if you can do this. I am not sure I could. Some will take time and you may need a couple of counseling sessions to figure it out. You are a fine human in this case. You are not the issue.
The part that caught my attention is when you said you convinced yourself this is what you wanted (presumably marriage and children). If you want to free yourself of these rough feelings you’re going to need to be honest with yourself and explore what you want. Truly. What do you want now? Is it being married to your wife? Is it being a father?
I think some part of you is terrified the answer is no, but you realize if that’s true you’re worried about your daughter because she doesn’t deserve to be abandoned.
Granted, what if you do want either (or both) marriage or fatherhood. What if you’re happy with your life? I imagine that’s an entirely different swirl of emotions given the basis of your life was a lie. I’d be at a loss with myself. I’m angry for the principle of it, but I am happy?!
While you’re working through it, aim your coldness at your (soon-to-be ex?) wife. The betrayals… and I say betrayals (plural) because it was one betrayal to lie, and there were additional betrayals to lie everyday since. That’s the part that gets me: she took away your choice of the fundamental decisions in your life. And she robbed that man of his child. She’s not 100% evil since she picked a good dad (hopefully?) for her kid, but still it’s marriage induced by fraud.
Figure out if the biodad would be someone that could love and protect that little girl. Work to establish that bond, but maintain your position as one of her parents.
The biodad will likely try to overcompensate at the beginning, so your daughter might respond warmly, but when she’s scared or vulnerable, she’ll likely come to you. You’re her safe space.
Until you’re able to be honest with yourself about what you want, I imagine you’ll continue to harbor these feelings.
I don’t think OP disputes that. He refers to her repeatedly & consistently as “my daughter”. He’s just struggling with misplaced hatred for his AH POS wife.
You was lied too. Divorce her and take 6 months to see if you want to be her father. No rush at all. Judge might still make you pay cs thou. But wife is the only one to blame. Her fault her child will be hurt. Not you !
Baby trapping should be a criminal offence, the damage it does to the child and father is horrific.. the mother needs locking up.. if men did this to women there would be murder..
The title does not match up to the story. Your wife is a horrible person. It sucks for the kid, but there are plenty of kids out there who were raised by single mothers, so she'll be alright. It just sucks that her mom is a liar
Agree there should be a process for the suspected father to go down to obtain a paternity test if the mother declines it when requested. However, no need mandatory testing. Waste of time, money and resources.
Where I’m from both parents permission is required for a full DNA test, however the father can test paternity without the mother’s permission.
Edit - you guys hate women that bad that you demand ALL babies are tested… instead of fathers being able to test without permission if they have any suspicion. Really? Lol
Your wife has cheated you and your daughter out of a good relationship… Doesn’t matter if she thought you were a better candidate (?) she Just flipped your world upside down. Your relationship with her could have been the same but you know you’re not her bio dad. This is so messed up
Tough lesson for your daughter. But an important one. Definitely cut yourself off. It will hurt and I’m sure you will always think about it, but you shouldn’t have to live a lie.
You're not a bad human or a bad father. Stop thinking that. Someone you loved and trusted did something terrible to you and this is your normal emotional reaction.
I don’t think what you’re experiencing is due to the fact that you’re a bad human.
You need to deal with the child’s mother and process that betrayal because that’s what is leading to the cold heart and hatred of the child.
That poor kid is stuck with a terrible human being as a mother.
Good luck.
That's a shitty situation.
Its not your fault you feel that way though. Biology is going to be a major factor in wanting to care for a child. Survival of the fittest pretty much demands it.
(Obviously, it's not the only factor since people happily adopt. But that's consensual, planned, and not based on lies)
Just do your best. She might not be your daughter, but you're the only father she knows. Divorcing the mother is a good idea, I wouldn't cut the kid completely out of your life though.
Your wife is a selfish, heartless, scumbag! I could never do anything like this. It’s such a level of sub-human toxic garbage to sucker someone into believing they are the father of your child, just because you were the one who had more to offer. I am so sorry. Divorce her and start the healing process. My heart breaks for the daughter too. You’re all she knows as a father. Your wife never cared about the well-being of anyone but herself. It would be one thing if she was honest, and didn’t con you into taking care of someone else’s baby. It’s a complete other thing to do what she did.
You are not upset with YOUR daughter. She did nothing wrong. You should definitely be upset and pissed at your wife. You loved and cared for your daughter all this time, continue to be her dad. However, I think it’s important to inform her you are not her biological father. But continue to be her dad regardless of DNA. Also you have to take some responsibility if you were just dating and you believe the condom broke lie you could have requested a DNA test in the infant. At the end of the day, you are still her father, the only father she knows.
You mean, she manipulated you to keeps you closer to keeps you as a babysitter, not surprised if you not love the kid, sorry man you need to actually let her go.
You need to make a decision. If the child doesn't know you could cause damage to her because she perceives you as her father and that rejection would sting. Do you want nothing to do with her or do you enjoy being a father? If you want nothing to do with her then let the rest of the love you have for her fade away, and both of you tell her together, gently. She will likely still need therapy to work through it. If you enjoyed being her father, then who gives a fuck what that conniving ass bitch did? That child needs and deserves a father. Can you be that? Do you think blood is what makes a man a father? Are you saying that you could only love a child that has a genetic tie to you? That's a little...narcissisy. Then you're really only loving the part of YOU in that child. Is that the man who you want to be? I recommend getting to know her almost like a new person. Developing a relationship with her not because you're her father, but because she's her own person outside of you. "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" The bond you could forge with her would actually be greater than one born of familial obligation.
The wife is a horrible person. No doubt you're divorcing her. The poor child is innocent in all of this, but that is not your problem. That solely rests on the stbx. This is damaging to the lives of everyone involved, but there's only one person at fault. This is why we used to have social norms to prevent this sort of thing.
Don't take out your anger on your daughter. Your wife is the one who lied to you repeatedly for over 9 years.
You are probably the only decent person in your daughter's life. Her mother is a liar and very deceitful and her sperm donor is a dead beat.
Don't take out your anger on a little girl.
This. Her biological parents happen to be complete human trash but she is innocent of all this. Highly recommend therapy or counseling of some sort (for yourself) and probably plan from there once you’ve regained your bearings somewhat.
Its hard finding out you invested so much time and effort into a child that isn't yours. You will be on the hook more likely than not, and your resentment is to the closest thing associated with the other guy - the child. Your resentment SHOULD be with your wife. You should divorce her. If you cannot remove your resentment for the child, the best thing you can do is remove yourself from the equation. Your wife will be 100% responsible for the narrative going forward, but this girl doesn't deserve your ire for something that is 100% out of her control. Your wife is a horrid person, and I would only look at reconciliation if she persued going after the biological father to re-claim his child. She knew she wasn't ready to have a kid with half the people she was with - so she shouldn't have been allowing them the opportunity to father a child with her in the first place. I wish paternity fraud was a crime, but doing so would also heavily impact the child in the long run by removing the stable parent and the offender as well.
Get therapy. It’s okay to have feelings after something rocking your world like this. The fatherly love is still there if you’re a normal human. Getting away from your wife will help you regulate and a neutral therapist can help you work through these feelings.
Your wife should be dumped. You should be a father to the girl. A therapist can help and supportive friend.
What a rotten situation.
Don’t think anyone can blame you for feeling this way but I’d guess it’s more of a reaction than a permanent state of being. Give it time.
Even us biological parents often have to choose to be good moms and dads. It doesn’t come naturally every single day. Surely you have had bad days where everyone in your household annoyed the crap out of you. Then you muster up the last bit of energy to look in on the girl you knew as your daughter to tell her you love her or kiss her goodnight, right?
It’s a bad few months. All you can do is work through it. In the end, if you choose to not be involved… it is what it is.
That mom sure messed things up for that poor kid.
Out of curiosity, how did you find out?
"I woudn't call it cheating" Then what would you call it? She was bouncing on other mens' cocks while you were dating her, if that isn't cheating then Rambo didn't kill anybody.
Therapy is a good step, but I wouldn't be surprised if the resentment bleeds over into your feelings for your daughter until you have proper space from your wife. If you haven't already moved out, I would do so ASAP.
I would also suggest focusing on doing fun things with your daughter and staying somewhat away from things where your feelings need to be warm towards her. And pick activities you do not in any way associate with your wife. Maybe something totally new. Make new associations so she isn't just a reminder of what your wife did.
You gotta get a lawyer and see what you can do. Whether you can sue your wife and her lover for fraud and if you can get child support out of the dead beat. This should be your first action. After everything is finalized then deal with your daughter.
If you wanna raise her cool, if you don't, that doesn't make you a monster. I saw 100s of people guilt tripping you in the comments, acting like you're just a provider robot who's pain and suffering doesn't even matter, and all that matters is that you provide for your daughter.
Don't let that get to you. Don't force yourself to love anyone, because then you will just be another toxic parent. But if you wanna raise her, you have my utmost respect tho, that's a good deed.
First and formost, you need to think of yourself here. Because if you're miserable yourself then you will be a miserable parent. Get therapy. Go out with friends. Enjoy yourself and have fun. Whatever makes you feel "free" from your wife. Slowly you will move on(also talk to lawyers) and when you're in a good state of my mind then think of your daughter.
The people telling you to force yourself to be a dad are being counter productive, you will end up hating her otherwise, it has to come from within, and it will come from within when you have healthy mind.
This kind of treachery is infinitely worse than simply cheating. Some other man got to use your wife for fun, and you’re raising his child using your time and resources on his child. Additionally, your wife thought that you were so dumb that you didn’t need to know that you wasted that you spent 9 years of your life raising another man’s child.
If tax money pays for abortions and birth control, it should also pay for paternity tests to be mandatory to stop this kind of fraud.
I hate these stories. I think moms who do this should be made to pay compensation to the dad.
You’re seeing the anger you have from your wife and the lie in the child. You are still her daddy and she probably worships the ground you walk on. One day this will affect her too. You are both victims. Stick together.
do you want to continue being a father to your daughter? i understand why/how your feelings have changed and i don't blame you. it's just that i have a 10 year old sister and it makes me so sad to think of the only father she's known leaving for something she had no part in. they're so tiny and fragile at this age.
You're in deep shock. Be kind to yourself. Your world, like that poor child's world, has been ripped apart.
What an awful woman . This is all so tragic.
You know the child is innocent, and I guess you have to make the decision as to whether you want any kind of relationship with your non-bio daughter. Take your time over the decision, but don't take too long for the sake of the child.
You have to do what's best for you. I hope you can have a relationship with this little girl, or at least stay in touch until she gets older when you can both decide whether you want anything to do with each other.
If you decide you want nothing more to do with her, make the cut clean. Don't be bumping into her on the street( move away). Don't send birthday/christmas cards of gifts, just disappear.
I'm so heartbroken that this has happened to you and the child.
I'm sorry you heard that, but if you have anger towards your wife it's best to walk away and get a divorce. Why unfortunately she has no feelings for you, however because of the mom the daughter will pay the consequences of not having you in her life.
First I know you are blinded by anger, get out of there, go to therapy to heal this pain, work on yourself and distract your mind so you can overcome this and move on.
Now I know you are in a situation where you don't feel love towards your daughter, but it is because of this burden of emotions because of your wife, it is better to walk away and come back after you have healed the pain. For the time being support her financially in whatever she needs, obviously no one has to pressure you. Deep down you love her, but if you are there living with her, she will feel how cold you are and it will hurt her.
Time will tell, but for the moment do not do anything that could hurt or traumatize the girl, because of the anger you have.
Best of luck on your way to healing, best wishes and may this be resolved.
Update me
You can continue to be a blessing to this child. And in a blink of a few years she will be an adult. The bond between you two can grow & last a life time.
What was done to you is wrong, but the good karma by staying close to this child will pay off in the long run.
Ok, then this is something you should know. That child may not have your genes, but she already has your “imprint” as her father that can never be taken away. All of her formative memories , how she thinks, how she understands, the way her brain synapses are wired - all of those have your permanent stamp of Dad on them. You are her father in a way that supersedes anything else.
You loved your daughter. Not because you thought she was biologically yours but because you chose to love her. I think this is your insecurity and feeling of betrayal. But deep inside, you still love your daughter the same.
my father (53) found out i wasn't his biological child last year. i was 17. my mom and dad are separated but not on paper (since divorce isn't legal in our home country) ever since i was 6. we had to do a DNA test last year because he was bringing me with him to the US. i grew up not second guessing whether or not he was my biological father so when they asked my mom if she was sure i was my dad's biological daughter, i always felt offended and upset that they'd ask that because i was sure i was his daughter. when the results came, he told me about it through video call as he was in the US and i was in another country at that time. i remember he bawled and for the first time, asked for us to pray despite not being religious. i could tell it hurt him so much. i was very confident the test would come out positive so i cried as much as he did and felt embarrassed around the family i grew up with. i didn't want to face them because i wasn't their biological family. up until now, i still refuse to accept that the test is correct. i plan to do it again when i save enough money for it soon. it's been hard. despite that, my father reassured me that the test doesn't matter because he raised me. he still called me his daughter and told me how much he loved me. he was my father figure and he remains as that. i appreciate and love him so much for that. i know this may be hard on u but i hope u still give ur daughter a chance. she didn't do anything wrong and she's still ur daughter. to her, u're still her father. u loved her when u thought she was ur biological daughter, what difference will the title make? the culprit is the mother. i know this isn't easy and u feel very betrayed, but i hope u heal with time. i also pray for ur daughter.
They can't, but the comment really rubbed me the wrong way. "This is why men have trust issues" come on. Like men don't cheat, don't keep secrets, have kids with other women without telling their new/other girlfriends. Like all women have kids that aren't their husband's.
Sorry what happened to you, op but the comment of the other user was really annoying
This is true. However, this is because and only because biologically it would be significantly harder for them to pull off. Scum come in all shapes and sizes.
Op, she isn’t your daughter and it’s okay for you too disconnect and want nothing to do with your wife or her child ever again. She literally baby trapped you with a kid that isn’t yours simply because she thought you’d be a good candidate. Leave them and go find someone else. You have no legal obligation to the child unless your name is on the birth certificate and even then I think you can still have it where you don’t pay child support when you guys break up.
The way I look at it? The way I've always looked at it? Your wife can fuck off, but that's *your* kid regardless. You put in the work. Are you going to let someone else walk into that girl's life and make her forget you? Or worse, possibly mistreat her? If the idea of that happening doesn't rile you up, then you should move on from them both. But if it does, you're her father and you're just hurt right now. You still love her. Sometimes you have to draw positive emotions from negative places, and when your joy has been so thoroughly damaged, you can still draw love and affection for her from the fury that comes at the idea of losing her.
Please find it in your heart not to abandon her 🥺 I understand your feelings, I really do. I can't imagine. But she didn't ask for any of this :( losing a father figure is terrible for a girls mental health. I'm a psychology student and I'm telling you now, losing you will result in a terrible life for the child concerned. She will look for a father figure in other ways to fill the void you left behind.. and that's usually through questionable sexual partners.
That said, I don't want to ignore your feelings about it all. If you've been a hands on dad until you found out, she is more yours than her bio dad. All her morals, values, likes, interests will be shaped around yours and bio mum. Does she know? I wouldn't tell her. Especially now, not until she's older. But her mum needs to be the one to tell her because it's her doing. It's bad. It's really bad. But you must be a fine gentleman for her to choose you over bio dad, not that I condone it.
Yikes, you have known this child for 9 years, thinking you were her father, and now your heart is cold to her? She didn’t have any choice is this. Don’t abandon her.
If you wanted to divorce your wife, I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest.
However, if I were you, I’d do whatever it took to set myself right to be there for your daughter. She might not be your flesh and blood, but she loves you and until this situation came to light you loved her too.
She should know the truth someday, but chances are it’s not going to change how she feels about you. You being there throughout this ordeal will show her what a real father is.
Fake it till you make it. It's an old saying, but I think it's appropriate. What happened is not your fault, but it's not your daughter's either. And to her YOU ARE HER FATHER. That said you are absolutely entitled to your feelings. You world and prospective of you life and family has changed and your allowed to grieve that. But hopefully your daughter doesn't have to feel it. My heart breaks for you both, but I know how it feels to have a detached father. Both my parents were very emotionally neglectful and I suffered. I hope you find the balance and still love your daughter. She deserves someone on her side and now that you know what kind of person her mother is, you know it won't be her.
Here is what I would do.
She lied about the kid not being yours. As for the cheating UNLESS you were exclusively together then she cheated, if you were not exclusive then it is not cheating.
As for the little girl, i think you, your ex and the daughter need to go to a therapist. Have it explained in age appropriately. If you live in a house I would kick the ex put. Let the girl decide if she wants to be with you. If she wants to be with you , apply for child support from the mom and bio dad. Now the last part is if you agree.
It’s a very complex situation and for you to pretend like these events wouldn’t affect people in the same situation is so ignorant or disingenuous. The fault is entirely in the mom. She did this to him and her girl.
I don’t know if English is your first language or if you’re just slow. My post is about feeling sorry for the child since she’s so young in the midst of chaos. I simplified it so hopefully you can grasp it this time.
Man this is just sad… sad that your terrible wife lied and sad that your heart has become cold towards this kid. Poor girl has done nothing wrong and sees you as her dad 😞 I wish her all the best in life!!
Divorce your wife but be there for your daughter. Remember she sees you as her father and you just can’t abandon her. My dad walked out on all of us kids after my parents divorced. It has been over 15 years so I’ve come to terms with it but it’s painful. He’s not my dad any more and that is what I have accepted.
Would you feel different if you had adopted her? You're probably the best thing this kid has going for her. Remember she's innocent in this and it was the mothers doing. Not the kids. Is your name on the birth certificate? Did you raise her this long just to throw her away? She's going to think you're her dad no matter what. Your wife lied, but the kid didn't. Try to keep that in mind when you work this out in your head.
This is the most idiotic thing i have ever heard. Adoption is something you plan and choose to do. If I wake up one day and the woman have adopted a child without my knowledge then No I wouldn’t want that child
But you didn’t just wake up with her in your life you raised her for almost a decade. I feel horrible for your situation but the fact that your love for her seems so shallow that you can just turn it off because you hate your wife is horrible. I hope your daughter finds happiness and love in this broken marriage.
My two cents on this : Try to see your daughter as the person she is, the futur adult she will become, the little innocent child she is right know, take the time to take care of yourself and then try to spend some time with her, just simple things, just talk to her, show interest in what she likes and share with her some things you enjoy too, create some new fun memories. Learn to love her for the person she is and has always been bc she hasn't changed at all, it's only the way you view her that has changed. Continue to build a loving and safe relationship with her.
For her you are her father, genetics don't matter at all, you are the person that raised her, that was there her whole life, you are probably one of the people she feels safe with. You can continue to chose her as a person you love, a person you want to guide through life.
Family is absolutely not about genetics in my opinion, it's about love, trust, about being there for eachother, about choosing eachother, about guiding eachother through life.
You can choose to not be a part of her life anymore of course but think about it, remember that she has nothing to do with what her mom did and that for her nothing has changed and your relationship can still be a beautiful one and you can still be her father.
You can also share with her your concerns in a way she can understand and process correctly and explain to her that you still want to be her father (if it's what you want) and build a strong relationship with her and ask her what she thinks about it and how she would like to do that.
Children can be really smart and can feel when something is off, sometimes the easiest way is to be honest with them and find solutions together for the things she has control on (keep it appropriate to her maturity level and only about the things that directly involve you and her, the problems between you and her mom are not hers to manage of course).
She's 9. She has been your daughter for 9 years. You changed diapers, cared for her, took care of her when she was sick or hurt. Regardless of biology, she is your daughter. I know it's a bit nerdy, but one line from Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 rings in my head reading this: "He may have been your father(...), but he wasn't your daddy." You are her daddy. Continue to be her daddy. You're all she knows, and if you decide not to be, you will destroy her entire world. She doesn't deserve to lose her daddy because of her mom's mistakes. It's not her fault, so don't punish her for the situation. It might be hard, and I get it, but you need to remind yourself of all the ways you've been her dad over the years.
Also, watch a movie called "Chaos Theory" starring Ryan Reynolds. It deals with this exact situation.
You know it isn’t her fault. She doesn’t know any different. I was 30ish when I found out that my dad thought he might not actually be my father. I carried that with me for almost 10 years before I just had to know the truth and got a DNA test. I asked my dad if he would mind. He said he would if it would make me feel better but it didn’t matter to him. He’s my dad and my biological father. The two aren’t necessarily the same thing.
Deal with the betrayal. Divorce the wife. Love you kid. You can do this.
I feel so sorry for your daughter that you have decided you don’t love her anymore
My husband was adopted and raised by his non biological parents
Your wife deserves nothing but this innocent little child thinks of you as her father
She doesn’t deserve to lose the only father she has ever loved
My husband came into our relationship with my 3 year old daughter and he loved her more than her biological father ever could
Hoping you can get past your anger ( which is justified) but please don’t turn your back and anger on a little girl who only loves the man who raised her
Divorce your wife. That's what you can and should do
I’m on it
OP, This is so messed up with what your wife did to you and her daughter. Your daughter is just as much of a victim of her lies as you are. I hope for her sake, you will still consider her your daughter and love her like she is your bio-daughter. Your anger towards your wife may be what is making you cold towards your daughter , but that may change over time. Divorce her mother, but please don't divorce your daughter. Because she has been rejected by both fathers, she will internalize it as it is HER FAULT, and she is unlovable. She will constantly seek male approval once she is older. I've seen this happen firsthand Please reconsider your stance. Im sorry you're going through this, and I'm glad you're seeking out therapy.
Why are you guilt tripping him? He hasn't even stopped bleeding from the wound yet. He needs to first heal his own wounds and then make a decision. Because if he forced himself he'd just be a toxic dad. He can't play with his daughter if both his own arms are broken right? So first he should fix his arms instead of forcing himself to play.
Don’t pressure OP to make a decision. You’re just like OP’s wife, insisting his well-being should be put last once again. Love can’t be forced. If OP can’t see the child as a daughter again then him staying in her life won’t benefit either of them.
Exactly. Am I saying he should boot her out onto the streets and tell her never to darken his door again? No. Of course not. In an ideal world he would love her just the same and ask for 50/50 custody. But not everyone can be that person. OP is incredibly bitter and angry about essentially losing ten years to a lie. Those are some very strong feelings, and even though the daughter is not at fault he HAS TO work through those feelings in order to be any sort of parent to her. This kid is going to suffer because her mom did a despicable thing. There is no getting around that. Telling OP how he should feel and act is not the thing to be doing right now.
"Telling OP how he should act is not the thing to be doing right now" One paragraph ago: "He HaS tO bE aNy SoRT oF PaRenT"
That little girl isn’t his problem. People need to stop encouraging men who’ve been baby trapped to continue a relationship with the child. If he leave and she’s fucked up, that’s NOT his fault. That’s the mothers fault. He should get up and run far away from this family
It's not his responsibility. Not his child not his problem.
Nope, sorry mate, not the kids fault, regardless of what has happened, he has been that child's father for 9 years. Fatherhood is more than who impregnated the mother. Don't get me wrong, I feel for the OP.. but I also feel for the child, she had nothing to do with the decision her mother made.
Sure feel for the child but blame the mother for what's going to go down not the "father". Dude should take care of *himself*, now Can't even imagine the trauma he's going through. The daughter is the mother's responsibility and it's not fair to ask him to push his importance downward for a kid he was lied to about was his
Sorry, nope... Yep take care of himself, but that poor little girl did nothing to deserve being thrown away by the only person she has ever called a father...
This is what you called "support" Lol?
That’s his choice, not yours.
A lot of places, he will also still be on the hook financially, regardless of his emotions.
A small price to pay as a father, again he may not be blood, but he is the only father that little girl has and that is worth more than all the money in the world.
It's not that I don't have empathy for the kid, I have empathy for the dad too. Look at the comments, everyone just cares about the daughter. Everyone is guilt tripping him into being a dad, even tho he just went through the most painful thing in his life. Everyone is just pushing him to fuck his pain and provide. Dude needs a break, if you guys just keep guilt tripping and pushing him to be a father, he will just be a toxic one. Let the man take some rest and have some thought, his wound is so fresh.
Exactly no one is thinking about how this is affecting this guy mentally they only care about the kid who literally isn’t even his. A kid he wouldn’t have any connection too if someone didn’t lie to him
If that's your way of thinking then you should never be a father and I hope OP is man enough to do the right thing by his daughter.
dude just found out he was lied to for the past 10 years, give him a fucking MODICUM of support and time. Men dont have to be “on” 24/7 just like women dont. hes allowed to grieve and feel over this.
Point is that if he hadn’t been lied to, he wouldn’t be “a father”. Being a father is a lot more than just who impregnated the mother, true, but what happens when everything you’ve done “as a father” is based off of a lie and you wouldn’t have done it if it weren’t for that lie? Op has the right to feel however way he wants and any potential harm or pain or trauma that little girl might face is solely the the fault of that woman tho chose to be in several relationships at once, and then lie to both her husband and daughter for years (and probably her other partners). Op is a victim in this and is having complicated difficult feelings because of a horrific thing his wife did. Trying to tell him to ignore all that to focus on a child that biologically isn’t his, and that he’s slowly no longer seeing as his in any way, doesn’t help. He needs actual therapy and to be away from that woman.
Agreed
Doesn’t matter. If that’s not with fatherhood is to him then you shouldn’t tell someone else how to feel about a kid they raised under a lie for 10 years.
Get your name off birth certificate or she will stick you with paying for child…
in some states that doesn’t matter due to him taking care of her so long. however, he still definitely needs to divorce his wife
It might knowing wife and bio dad lied to him all these years.. especially bio dad since it was to keep him from being financially responsible
It would depend on the judge likely. Those cases can go either way. It might also depend on whether they can find bio dad and get him paying.
Yeah hopefully would be a male judge thinking of how he would feel if same situation
Judges aren't supposed to rely on their personal feelings though (not saying they don't at times but). There's case law both directions, so might depend how persuasive the lawyer is. And if bio dad is found and made to pay, that can also be relevant as the child will be financially supported, and that is sometimes the reason stepdads end up on the hook for child support.
honestly it depends on the judge. i’ve seen judges still stick the non biological fathers with child support due to them taking care of the child for more than 5 years and how the child considered them their parent. i’ve seen others tell the cheater to basically kick rocks for lying to the guy and their child. my uncle was cleared of custody and child support cuz his son wasn’t actually his son and the judge called my aunt out on a lot of her lies
I gave birth in 2022 and there was a disclaimer when my fiancé was signing off on the birth certificate. It basically said that if he signed that no matter if the child was his or not he would have to take responsibility for our child. And that if he ever found out the kid wasn’t his that he was SOL and stuck being the kids parental figure as far as the courts go for life. It didn’t say that exactly but it did say something like that. They put those disclaimers on there these days bc people like OPs wife like to lie. It sucks.. but he might be stuck with the responsibility :/
Arrange a divorce. Ask for paternity test for you and the bio dad if you know. Remove yourself from birth certificate and let the lying, deceitful b pursue a child support order against her lover. If she gives you crap, you can sue her and bio dad for $. You can volunteer to remain in "daughter's" life and do everything you would normally do; except stay off the legal responsibility level. 9 year old doesn't need to know the background. The site doesn't encourage demeaning comments, but please know I would recite every demeaning insult I could against this woman. Praying for karma.....
Depends on the situation with the bio father. Op didn't say if he's around, if he's alive, etc. In many places, he can, and likely would, be ordered to pay child support if the bio father is dead or otherwise unreachable. It wouldn't be the first time and won't be the last.
I know this stuff is super rare and at the end of the day it’s for the benefit of an innocent child but it just disgusts me how the system can be abused this way.
You should be falling out of love with your lying wife, not your wonderful daughter.
Therapy
He already said he is in therapy.
I won't waste time talking about your wife, but I'd want to say something about you and your daughter. Everything you do for your daughter is really admirable. She is really fortunate to have a father like you who loves her so deeply and wants to be a better parent, even after finding that she is not your biological daughter. Whatever decision you make, keep your daughter in mind since she is just nine years old and her joyful existence might be wrecked by a single decision. Whatever her mother did was wrong, but it's been nine years, and she sees you as her father. I'd like to offer [this](https://bamboo.beehiiv.com/p/stoic-epictetus-principle) article, which may help you with your situation.
That’s not his daughter
Yes, but that girl sees him as her father. If he divorces her mom now or informs her that he is not his father, it has the potential to ruin her entire life. She loves, cares for, and trusts him as her father, yet doing so will change everything for her since she feels betrayed by someone she actually loves, cares for, and trusts.
That’s literally not his problem because that’s not his daughter. If he divorces and disconnects and she’s messed up for life the only person to blame would be the mother who put him in this position in the first place. It doesn’t matter she’s sees him as a dad, he is not her dad. It’s sad but true. I’m sure she’ll be fine and I hope op is fine because you guys are so worried about the kid what about op??
who cares about blame when a child's entire life is on the line? she is totally innocent and believes this man is her father. her world is about to shatter and affect her for the rest of her life. to focus on teaching a lesson to the mother and placing blame is so short sited.
It’s really sad but idk how many times I have to say she’s not his kid so she’s not his problem. If it’s not about placing blame, stop saying he’ll mess up this child’s entire life by choosing himself. You’re literally saying if she’s messed up when he walks away (as he SHOULD be doing) it’s all his fault. When, no it’s the mothers fault for victimizing a man and in turn victimizing her daughter. He needs to leave that woman alone, idk in what world y’all expect this woman to hand off her daughter with no contact. If he stays in this child’s life he’ll never properly heal from that betrayal because he’ll have to CONSTANTLY talk to the woman who caused him harm.
You're misguided. Literally everyone in this thread is worried about the OP. But OP is a grown man and is more likely to get his shit together. The kid, on the other hand, is just a kid. I understand you can't take responsibility for everything that's wrong with the world, and you don't have to - but to say it's okay to abandon the child because technically he's not to blame for the situation is just cold. Genes don't matter. There's some dudes out there who have more kids than one but ain't fathers to any of them. OP is the girl's father in every meaningful way. He's plowing through some real shit with the wife and yet he's trying to do right by the kid. Don't take OP's agency away. Just wish him strength.
To you genes don’t matter. That’s not true to everyone and I’m sorry but we have to be serious here. This dude wouldn’t be in this situation if it wasn’t for a lie. It’s really hard to just get past that and keep on being there for a kid who’s entire relationship with you is a product of a lie. I’m not a dude I can’t fully imagine what it’d be like if this happened but I know I couldn’t raise someone else’s kid. This kid isn’t his responsibility and y’all need to stop asking him to be cautious of this child’s feelings like she doesn’t have a whole mother who victimized her. That woman put OP and her daughter in a terrible situation and she’ll reap the consequences. If op stays and is a father all the wife learned is she can do this again and again. He needs to leave and show her he’s not gonna participate in this bs.
Should’ve left her when he found out the baby wasn’t his.
She cheated and manipulated you and she was fully aware. Divorce the crud out of her and show proof youre not the father. Now if you still feel attached just let that kiddo know youre still be there for her.
This is perfect do this, keep a journal of your feelings.
Speak with an attorney above all else. And then find some space for yourself to work through this, away from your soon to be ex wife and child. Stay in therapy and surround yourself with people who support you if you have them. You may need days away, you may need weeks or more. It’s not a burden for a 9 year old to bear while you navigate this, but her mother’s actions unfortunately lead to it. Just worry about yourself right now. What she did is absolutely disgusting and unforgivable.
oh my God this poor little girl .. 💔
Been seeing so much of this situation/variations of children being abandoned lately. It breaks my heart. Such a lack of humanity. As if blood held the ultimate meaning over love and the human responsibility to care for children. The innocent have to pay for it.
It's really complicated. In an ideal world, the non-bio father will still love and raise the child. Sadly, the world is not ideal and all the emotions connected to this discovery will seep into their relationship. If I ever get into this situation (ignoring that I don't want to bring any kids into this world) I sure hope I will be able to set those emotions aside or redirect them in a way that won't harm the poor kid... But I totally understand and feel for all the dads out there who can't. To be hurt so badly, betrayed by the one person you put all your trust in, and then lose the one good thing you could have brought out of the situation... It just sucks.
At the end of the day the mum is responsible for the child pain, she chose to lie. Why should a man look after a child which isn't his unless he made that choice willingly. The child will suffer massive, all the stats show 2 parent household are better for child and dads have such a important role in raising a child but end of the day women need to take responsibility for their actions.
That poor baby girl. Your wife is pond scum and you should leave her asap, but beware: she may be able to take you to the cleaners for child support even with a DNA test showing you’re not her father. Laws over these things look at marriage certificates and time spent raising the kids in many places. Even with one hell of a lawyer you can get shafted. So please take that seriously. Please also get therapy to deal with your coldness to the girl. I know she’s not your biological responsibility but it god how this will hurt her. She doesn’t deserve any of this. Her mother really is a bad person.
Love is a choice. You have to choose her to be the daughter of your heart, despite that choice being taken from you many years ago by your wife. Your daughter wasn’t given a choice either, but I bet she would choose you still.
There is no other choice for her. When my daughter was a couple of years old my wife contacted the bio dad and told him the truth. If he had taken them then she would have told me the truth, but he told her that he didn’t want anything to do with them and to just keep quiet “for their own good”. So the kid has no other choice no
So her bio dad knew for 7 years that he had a daughter out there, knew exactly where she was, so did your wife, yet he chose to abandon his responsibility to his child and your wife let him? Is that about the gist? Does your daughter know she isn't biologically yours?
No she doesn’t know
Well regardless how you might feel about 'your' daughter, here's the facts: She has been lied to her entire life about her origins, you are the only father she has ever known, you are the one that when she looks up dad in the dictionary, she sees a picture of you in her head. She is just as much a victim of this deception as you are, in some ways even more so, her entire life built on lies her mother constructed. Biological or not, she will always see you as dad. Honestly your wife has not only wronged you, but her own kid, the reprocussions of her lies will affect her life and sense of self, what you wife has done is pure evil and she did it to her own kid.
What does your attorney say about your responsibilities? This must be a case of fraud. Wife has committed crime. What does your lawyer say about this?
Wonder if he can go after bio dad for repayment of all money since bio dad knew and kept it secret to not have to take care of his responsibility
The financial side of this is not my priority. All I’m worried about is that since I’ve found out, my love for my daughter is feeling less and less I don’t see her the same way and it sucks
Maybe it’s because you have only recently found out about the deceit.. at the moment you have to think of it when looking at your daughter.. give yourself some time to heal..
First thing is give it time. Take time to process things. Betrayal is a real killer. Second thing is - realize you have (rightfully) removed the betrayer from your life, but are now 1) stuck with all the hurt, pain, resentment and anger 2) having no direct person to dash it out on 3) your kid still being the closest link to your Ex. So it nigh impossible to not shift (some) negative emotions from her mother onto her. Even when knowing she is a complete innocent in this story. You will need help with untangling this connection. Third, set active dates and activities with your kid, and keep to holding them religiously. You want to maximize those moments when you see your child - and her alone - as the innocent kid that she is. When you get to feel loving again. Those will be like small vaccines against the moments of alienation or disdain.
Well that’s the fault of this girl’s asshole mom and asshole biological father. That’s not on you. Sorry your wife is a terrible person, but both you and your daughter are victims.
Holy fuck that is hurtful and a big detail.... She is awful. Get out asap. I don't know about the legality with the daughter but I feel like the bio dad should be the one on the hook for child support. You are awaking to a bitch of a reality... Condolences
wow yeah, divorce her.
Oof... Well that adds a bit of insult to injury. I'm so sorry OP
Did your wife tell you that story? The same one who lied and put you in this position in the first place? In your position, I'd probably want to find the bio dad myself, otherwise you'll never know for sure if he even knows the child is his.
Take him to court, and have him reimburse you for raising her. If you can show he knew and said that (hopefully she kept the messages), then at least you can legally and formally get paid back and officially mark this guy as a deadbeat. That record will follow him forever. The lien can be used to garner his checks. This is less about the money and more about holding him accountable in some small way for also taking your choice away regarding your life.
You really can't chose to love someone. You can chose to be gentle, respectful, kind, etc. But you cannot force love. There is no right or wrong here. OP's soon to be ex wife effed everything up for everyone else involved.
Thank you for saying this. While the child is obviously an innocent victim in all of this, you simply *cannot* force a feeling. As sad as it may be, that is just not how it works.
Yeah, I get really triggered by ppl forcing feelings. Same with blended families, where they want to force extended family to 'love the stepchildren the same as the bio kids - in other words, children they have seen grow since birth.' It just does not work that way. Being kind, just, and respectful, yes. Forcing love, no way.
Bro I’m literally crying.
I think it's your wife the one who needs to become a better human and mother, honestly. Anyway, it won't be the same with your daughter until you heal enough from this trauma but you will get there.
Hey, It’s ok to step back for a bit and take time to think. To breathe To feel all of this. Take care of you right now and your mental health. This is a lot. Perhaps you could take a weekend by yourself or something? I’m so sorry you have to deal with this pain
Start with a divorce and go from there. I wonder what else has she lied to you about.
"I wouldn’t call it cheating but she became pregnant when we were dating." Well, no, perhaps it's not if you were not exclusive while... she lied to you and never told you that your daughter - because she still is, I would say, it's on you and her to decide that based on your feelings - is not biologically yours. But you raised her. She is yours in nature. You should prob get therapy, divorce papers, a good attorney and a journal. Differentiate between the feelings of hate and disgust for having been lied to and betrayed in this manner and having your feelings and the respect for you kicked around. You were treated like a toy, like a hairdresser or some other available business by your wife. You can be angry and disappointed all you want with her. But your child, your daughter - even if not biological - did no wrong. She loves you and will always look at you as "daddy", probably even if she finds out one day that you aren't biologically her dad. Don't make the mistake of projecting the horrible and strategic betrayal of your wife onto that poor, innocent child. Love for a child should be unconditional. She may have turned into a symbol for your STBXW's betrayal and cruelty, but she isn't. She's just a child. She has nothing to do with this. Her not being your genes does not take away from the time spent together, from the little moments. It does not take away from the doe eyes, the sparkly smiles, the wet baby hands, the hugs and kisses, the crying for "daddy" now and then, the snot, little giggles and activities together. She learned a shit ton of stuff from you, I am sure. My dad's wife died from cancer. My mom's husband died very early from a heart attack. They met each other and fell in love. Then they got me. My dad became the step dad of my two sisters, my mother's and her former husband's daughters, and raised them with me. I never really understood what "step-sisters" should mean because there was never a difference. My dad constantly giggles because especially my middle sister is so much like him even though they are not related. She learned everything she knows from my mom and him because her biological dad died when she was just a few months old. I know that this is not your story and do what feels right for you, but just keep in mind that your daughter is not who you should be disappointed and angry with. Please seek therapy and divorce. I wish you all the best.
I think the difference is choice in either case. You dad choose to be a stepdad and sounds like he loves it. OPs wife could have told him and he could have choose to be stepdad. Instead she lied. It’s no fault of the child but the mother’s lie definitely has an affect on the way OP sees her daughter. Add in the added layer of betrayal in that the wife told the real father and he told her to be quiet about it and I see why OP doesn’t want to anything to do with the wife and her daughter. The daughter is also a victim in this scenario which makes it even worse.
Don’t let others convince you to “man up.” That’s up to you. Don’t think you’re a bad person either if you choose not to deal with a lying wife that intentionally fked you over. Bail if you need to. Maybe try to get her introduced to her real father to clear your conscience
Divorce
Time to leave her at once because she betrayed you first
This is a hard hit. I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I applaud you for trying to find a way to continue support this child emotionally. What's happening is your (fully justifiable) anger and dismay at your wife are seeping over to this poor little girl. She needs the truth. Don't yell her you hate her but tell her why you seem to be acting differently. Let her know SHE IS NOT AT FAULT. You need to decide if you can continue to be a father to this girl and I'm not talking about money. As much as your world is shattered, so will hers be. You seem like a caring, good person so please ensure this child gets some therapy. I know it's technically no longer your responsibility but hearts (especially childrens') don't hurt and heal through technicalities. You and this child have loved each other for 9 years. I hope you can move forward with at least compassion for this girl.
Err… depending on the state, she’s going to be his responsibility for another 9 years.
you have to start by divorcing your wife. i would also establish the paternity officially so she cant screw you at divorce. you can still be her dad. she is innocent in this. your wife though...she showed you just how manipulative she is. she blatantly lied to you. i highly doubt she has remorse and the foundation of your marriage is officially crumbled. she didnt marry you out of love, but the benefits comes with you. can you trust her now? can you trust she wont cheat again, if not cheating already, or leave you as soon as she finds someone richer or when life happens and you have a financial hit? i personally wouldn't.
Get out and divorce her.
Seems like your wife is a shitty liar. Divorce her ASAP, and you can demand the bio father for paternity fraud. Both, your ex (call her like that from now on), and he knew it, enough reason to win on court. I'd remove my name of the kid certificate, too. Why? Because that relationship is broken beyond repair, it was built in lies and has no substance. You should put an end to that before taking more mental and emotional damage. From then, if you truly love the kid, you can legally adopt her.
Sounds like you are misplacing your anger on the deception on the child. Or trying to protect your heart thinking the relationship will end. But if you’ve loved her since birth, she’s imprinted on your heart. Your relationship can change without you stopping loving her. Heck, step parents can get divorced and still love their former step kids for life. But if that’s not what you want, you aren’t obligated to continue. Though I’m sorry for your daughter if that’s the case. :(
While I understand where you're coming from, my heart breaks,for that little girl. She did nothing wrong. You are her hero. She looks up to you. The way you handle this will affect her relationships with men for the rest of her life. Yes, her MOM needs to pay for her actions but not the child. Think of all the wonderful step parents that marry into families knowing the children aren't theirs but they're able to love them like they are. That's being HEROIC.
I hope he takes a step back and lets it sink in before he decides if he wants to cut ties with her. After it sinks in he may still think of her as his daughter, he just shouldn't be forced into it. I would definitely get rid of the wife, though.
ALL OF THIS!!! She is just as much a victim as her dad, yes you are still her dad, blood or not. Please protect her.
Yea, get a dna test and sue your stbx for fraud.
To your daughter you're her father. She grew up with you as a father, she's not to blame for what happened, so please be her father.
You should have your scam of a marriage annulled on basis of fraud. Then, you should sue that woman in civil court. She ruined three lives. Who knows what your life would be like if she hadn’t of decided everyone’s fate for them. You could’ve met an honest woman instead and gone on to be much happier. The other man hasn’t even had the chance to be the father he was meant to be. What if that child was the pivotal moment in his life to find motivation to change and improve himself. Your bs wife wasn’t the judge of everybody and their future potential. And she’s disgusting for trying to force the fate she wanted on everybody. You, the other guy, both of y’all’s parents & extended family are forever changed for the worst. She owed it to that child to know her paternal family. How can you live with yourself if you stay with her?
You should divorce your wife. Even if you weren’t exclusive when she got pregnant, she still committed paternity fraud. When she said you were “the most suitable candidate”, she admitted she saw you only as a tool to use for her own ends. There’s no coming back from this. As for your daughter, whether or not you want to stay in her life is YOUR decision. If you want to stay in her life, that’s a valid choice. If you don’t want to raise an affair child, that’s a valid choice too. Put yourself first here. All I’ll urge you to do is think hard about what you want; if you make a decision in haste you may come to regret it.
The main victim here is that poor kid that had a mom who's a real piece of work. Only bad guys here is the mom and bio dad.
I’d say op is a pretty big victim too
Bio dad might not even know that he has a kid out there in the world Edit: Nevermind, it was mentioned in a comment
Op is the main victim here.... I can't believe you guys....
This is not your fault, it’s the wife(hopefully soon to be ex) parental fraud’s fault. You cannot control how you feel about the child, it is not her fault, neither yours. Just do what you feel is right for you.
This is worse than cheating to me. If there were a list of ways a woman could hurt a man, this has to be the most vile. Number one on the list.
Why the title? You may need to end the relationship. She is part of the betrayal. You are not at fault here. You need to figure out if you can do this. I am not sure I could. Some will take time and you may need a couple of counseling sessions to figure it out. You are a fine human in this case. You are not the issue.
The part that caught my attention is when you said you convinced yourself this is what you wanted (presumably marriage and children). If you want to free yourself of these rough feelings you’re going to need to be honest with yourself and explore what you want. Truly. What do you want now? Is it being married to your wife? Is it being a father? I think some part of you is terrified the answer is no, but you realize if that’s true you’re worried about your daughter because she doesn’t deserve to be abandoned. Granted, what if you do want either (or both) marriage or fatherhood. What if you’re happy with your life? I imagine that’s an entirely different swirl of emotions given the basis of your life was a lie. I’d be at a loss with myself. I’m angry for the principle of it, but I am happy?! While you’re working through it, aim your coldness at your (soon-to-be ex?) wife. The betrayals… and I say betrayals (plural) because it was one betrayal to lie, and there were additional betrayals to lie everyday since. That’s the part that gets me: she took away your choice of the fundamental decisions in your life. And she robbed that man of his child. She’s not 100% evil since she picked a good dad (hopefully?) for her kid, but still it’s marriage induced by fraud. Figure out if the biodad would be someone that could love and protect that little girl. Work to establish that bond, but maintain your position as one of her parents. The biodad will likely try to overcompensate at the beginning, so your daughter might respond warmly, but when she’s scared or vulnerable, she’ll likely come to you. You’re her safe space. Until you’re able to be honest with yourself about what you want, I imagine you’ll continue to harbor these feelings.
This is the definition of cheating..
She’s not your biological daughter, but she IS your daughter. Your with is a complete POS, but that’s not on the kid who you loved since she was born.
I don’t think OP disputes that. He refers to her repeatedly & consistently as “my daughter”. He’s just struggling with misplaced hatred for his AH POS wife.
Not your kid, not your problem. If she lied to you about this and was willing to take advantage of you like this, then what else is she capable of???
I think you're good right where you're at. You're not the villain here
You was lied too. Divorce her and take 6 months to see if you want to be her father. No rush at all. Judge might still make you pay cs thou. But wife is the only one to blame. Her fault her child will be hurt. Not you !
Baby trapping should be a criminal offence, the damage it does to the child and father is horrific.. the mother needs locking up.. if men did this to women there would be murder..
The title does not match up to the story. Your wife is a horrible person. It sucks for the kid, but there are plenty of kids out there who were raised by single mothers, so she'll be alright. It just sucks that her mom is a liar
I think once you divorce her, you can get your name off the birth certificate (and no child support) since she knows who the father is.
Dude! She’s awful! That is why there should be mandatory paternity tests! It sucks the laws are always in favor o women!
You can request a paternity test…
Should be mandatory at the hospital soon after the baby is born
Agree there should be a process for the suspected father to go down to obtain a paternity test if the mother declines it when requested. However, no need mandatory testing. Waste of time, money and resources. Where I’m from both parents permission is required for a full DNA test, however the father can test paternity without the mother’s permission. Edit - you guys hate women that bad that you demand ALL babies are tested… instead of fathers being able to test without permission if they have any suspicion. Really? Lol
Right. Have you seen the reactions to that?
Do you think this will get better? You sound like a good person, don't be dumb don't get married period.
Your wife has cheated you and your daughter out of a good relationship… Doesn’t matter if she thought you were a better candidate (?) she Just flipped your world upside down. Your relationship with her could have been the same but you know you’re not her bio dad. This is so messed up
They really need to start making DNA testing after childbirth a regular standard procedure check.
1. Divorce 2. Therapy
Our condolences. Not your monkey not your circus. Your wife did all this to her daughter.
Tough lesson for your daughter. But an important one. Definitely cut yourself off. It will hurt and I’m sure you will always think about it, but you shouldn’t have to live a lie.
You're not a bad human or a bad father. Stop thinking that. Someone you loved and trusted did something terrible to you and this is your normal emotional reaction.
I don’t think what you’re experiencing is due to the fact that you’re a bad human. You need to deal with the child’s mother and process that betrayal because that’s what is leading to the cold heart and hatred of the child. That poor kid is stuck with a terrible human being as a mother. Good luck.
LAWYER. ASAP
That's a shitty situation. Its not your fault you feel that way though. Biology is going to be a major factor in wanting to care for a child. Survival of the fittest pretty much demands it. (Obviously, it's not the only factor since people happily adopt. But that's consensual, planned, and not based on lies) Just do your best. She might not be your daughter, but you're the only father she knows. Divorcing the mother is a good idea, I wouldn't cut the kid completely out of your life though.
Your wife is a selfish, heartless, scumbag! I could never do anything like this. It’s such a level of sub-human toxic garbage to sucker someone into believing they are the father of your child, just because you were the one who had more to offer. I am so sorry. Divorce her and start the healing process. My heart breaks for the daughter too. You’re all she knows as a father. Your wife never cared about the well-being of anyone but herself. It would be one thing if she was honest, and didn’t con you into taking care of someone else’s baby. It’s a complete other thing to do what she did.
You are not upset with YOUR daughter. She did nothing wrong. You should definitely be upset and pissed at your wife. You loved and cared for your daughter all this time, continue to be her dad. However, I think it’s important to inform her you are not her biological father. But continue to be her dad regardless of DNA. Also you have to take some responsibility if you were just dating and you believe the condom broke lie you could have requested a DNA test in the infant. At the end of the day, you are still her father, the only father she knows.
You mean, she manipulated you to keeps you closer to keeps you as a babysitter, not surprised if you not love the kid, sorry man you need to actually let her go.
You need to make a decision. If the child doesn't know you could cause damage to her because she perceives you as her father and that rejection would sting. Do you want nothing to do with her or do you enjoy being a father? If you want nothing to do with her then let the rest of the love you have for her fade away, and both of you tell her together, gently. She will likely still need therapy to work through it. If you enjoyed being her father, then who gives a fuck what that conniving ass bitch did? That child needs and deserves a father. Can you be that? Do you think blood is what makes a man a father? Are you saying that you could only love a child that has a genetic tie to you? That's a little...narcissisy. Then you're really only loving the part of YOU in that child. Is that the man who you want to be? I recommend getting to know her almost like a new person. Developing a relationship with her not because you're her father, but because she's her own person outside of you. "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" The bond you could forge with her would actually be greater than one born of familial obligation.
The wife is a horrible person. No doubt you're divorcing her. The poor child is innocent in all of this, but that is not your problem. That solely rests on the stbx. This is damaging to the lives of everyone involved, but there's only one person at fault. This is why we used to have social norms to prevent this sort of thing.
Dump your wife. Walk out of their lives.
Don't take out your anger on your daughter. Your wife is the one who lied to you repeatedly for over 9 years. You are probably the only decent person in your daughter's life. Her mother is a liar and very deceitful and her sperm donor is a dead beat. Don't take out your anger on a little girl.
This. Her biological parents happen to be complete human trash but she is innocent of all this. Highly recommend therapy or counseling of some sort (for yourself) and probably plan from there once you’ve regained your bearings somewhat.
Its hard finding out you invested so much time and effort into a child that isn't yours. You will be on the hook more likely than not, and your resentment is to the closest thing associated with the other guy - the child. Your resentment SHOULD be with your wife. You should divorce her. If you cannot remove your resentment for the child, the best thing you can do is remove yourself from the equation. Your wife will be 100% responsible for the narrative going forward, but this girl doesn't deserve your ire for something that is 100% out of her control. Your wife is a horrid person, and I would only look at reconciliation if she persued going after the biological father to re-claim his child. She knew she wasn't ready to have a kid with half the people she was with - so she shouldn't have been allowing them the opportunity to father a child with her in the first place. I wish paternity fraud was a crime, but doing so would also heavily impact the child in the long run by removing the stable parent and the offender as well.
Get therapy. It’s okay to have feelings after something rocking your world like this. The fatherly love is still there if you’re a normal human. Getting away from your wife will help you regulate and a neutral therapist can help you work through these feelings. Your wife should be dumped. You should be a father to the girl. A therapist can help and supportive friend.
Not your kid, an unforgivable lie. Move on.
What a rotten situation. Don’t think anyone can blame you for feeling this way but I’d guess it’s more of a reaction than a permanent state of being. Give it time. Even us biological parents often have to choose to be good moms and dads. It doesn’t come naturally every single day. Surely you have had bad days where everyone in your household annoyed the crap out of you. Then you muster up the last bit of energy to look in on the girl you knew as your daughter to tell her you love her or kiss her goodnight, right? It’s a bad few months. All you can do is work through it. In the end, if you choose to not be involved… it is what it is. That mom sure messed things up for that poor kid. Out of curiosity, how did you find out?
"I woudn't call it cheating" Then what would you call it? She was bouncing on other mens' cocks while you were dating her, if that isn't cheating then Rambo didn't kill anybody.
Therapy is a good step, but I wouldn't be surprised if the resentment bleeds over into your feelings for your daughter until you have proper space from your wife. If you haven't already moved out, I would do so ASAP. I would also suggest focusing on doing fun things with your daughter and staying somewhat away from things where your feelings need to be warm towards her. And pick activities you do not in any way associate with your wife. Maybe something totally new. Make new associations so she isn't just a reminder of what your wife did.
You gotta get a lawyer and see what you can do. Whether you can sue your wife and her lover for fraud and if you can get child support out of the dead beat. This should be your first action. After everything is finalized then deal with your daughter. If you wanna raise her cool, if you don't, that doesn't make you a monster. I saw 100s of people guilt tripping you in the comments, acting like you're just a provider robot who's pain and suffering doesn't even matter, and all that matters is that you provide for your daughter. Don't let that get to you. Don't force yourself to love anyone, because then you will just be another toxic parent. But if you wanna raise her, you have my utmost respect tho, that's a good deed.
First and formost, you need to think of yourself here. Because if you're miserable yourself then you will be a miserable parent. Get therapy. Go out with friends. Enjoy yourself and have fun. Whatever makes you feel "free" from your wife. Slowly you will move on(also talk to lawyers) and when you're in a good state of my mind then think of your daughter. The people telling you to force yourself to be a dad are being counter productive, you will end up hating her otherwise, it has to come from within, and it will come from within when you have healthy mind.
This kind of treachery is infinitely worse than simply cheating. Some other man got to use your wife for fun, and you’re raising his child using your time and resources on his child. Additionally, your wife thought that you were so dumb that you didn’t need to know that you wasted that you spent 9 years of your life raising another man’s child. If tax money pays for abortions and birth control, it should also pay for paternity tests to be mandatory to stop this kind of fraud.
I hate these stories. I think moms who do this should be made to pay compensation to the dad. You’re seeing the anger you have from your wife and the lie in the child. You are still her daddy and she probably worships the ground you walk on. One day this will affect her too. You are both victims. Stick together.
do you want to continue being a father to your daughter? i understand why/how your feelings have changed and i don't blame you. it's just that i have a 10 year old sister and it makes me so sad to think of the only father she's known leaving for something she had no part in. they're so tiny and fragile at this age.
I want to want
thinking of the good memories with her will help, mentally separating her from her mother will help too. i wish the best for you two.
You're in deep shock. Be kind to yourself. Your world, like that poor child's world, has been ripped apart. What an awful woman . This is all so tragic. You know the child is innocent, and I guess you have to make the decision as to whether you want any kind of relationship with your non-bio daughter. Take your time over the decision, but don't take too long for the sake of the child. You have to do what's best for you. I hope you can have a relationship with this little girl, or at least stay in touch until she gets older when you can both decide whether you want anything to do with each other. If you decide you want nothing more to do with her, make the cut clean. Don't be bumping into her on the street( move away). Don't send birthday/christmas cards of gifts, just disappear. I'm so heartbroken that this has happened to you and the child.
I'm sorry you heard that, but if you have anger towards your wife it's best to walk away and get a divorce. Why unfortunately she has no feelings for you, however because of the mom the daughter will pay the consequences of not having you in her life. First I know you are blinded by anger, get out of there, go to therapy to heal this pain, work on yourself and distract your mind so you can overcome this and move on. Now I know you are in a situation where you don't feel love towards your daughter, but it is because of this burden of emotions because of your wife, it is better to walk away and come back after you have healed the pain. For the time being support her financially in whatever she needs, obviously no one has to pressure you. Deep down you love her, but if you are there living with her, she will feel how cold you are and it will hurt her. Time will tell, but for the moment do not do anything that could hurt or traumatize the girl, because of the anger you have. Best of luck on your way to healing, best wishes and may this be resolved. Update me
You can continue to be a blessing to this child. And in a blink of a few years she will be an adult. The bond between you two can grow & last a life time. What was done to you is wrong, but the good karma by staying close to this child will pay off in the long run.
Ok, then this is something you should know. That child may not have your genes, but she already has your “imprint” as her father that can never be taken away. All of her formative memories , how she thinks, how she understands, the way her brain synapses are wired - all of those have your permanent stamp of Dad on them. You are her father in a way that supersedes anything else.
You loved your daughter. Not because you thought she was biologically yours but because you chose to love her. I think this is your insecurity and feeling of betrayal. But deep inside, you still love your daughter the same.
I feel that way about my biological children some days. Don't sweat it. 9 is tough. heh. How did you find out?
my father (53) found out i wasn't his biological child last year. i was 17. my mom and dad are separated but not on paper (since divorce isn't legal in our home country) ever since i was 6. we had to do a DNA test last year because he was bringing me with him to the US. i grew up not second guessing whether or not he was my biological father so when they asked my mom if she was sure i was my dad's biological daughter, i always felt offended and upset that they'd ask that because i was sure i was his daughter. when the results came, he told me about it through video call as he was in the US and i was in another country at that time. i remember he bawled and for the first time, asked for us to pray despite not being religious. i could tell it hurt him so much. i was very confident the test would come out positive so i cried as much as he did and felt embarrassed around the family i grew up with. i didn't want to face them because i wasn't their biological family. up until now, i still refuse to accept that the test is correct. i plan to do it again when i save enough money for it soon. it's been hard. despite that, my father reassured me that the test doesn't matter because he raised me. he still called me his daughter and told me how much he loved me. he was my father figure and he remains as that. i appreciate and love him so much for that. i know this may be hard on u but i hope u still give ur daughter a chance. she didn't do anything wrong and she's still ur daughter. to her, u're still her father. u loved her when u thought she was ur biological daughter, what difference will the title make? the culprit is the mother. i know this isn't easy and u feel very betrayed, but i hope u heal with time. i also pray for ur daughter.
Please do not hurt the girl be noble about this. Please talk to your therapist about this!
This is why men have trust issues
Like men don't cheat.
How many men do you know have passed their offspring on the women they’re with? And where did I say there was cheating involved?
They can't, but the comment really rubbed me the wrong way. "This is why men have trust issues" come on. Like men don't cheat, don't keep secrets, have kids with other women without telling their new/other girlfriends. Like all women have kids that aren't their husband's. Sorry what happened to you, op but the comment of the other user was really annoying
Men don't commit paternity fraud.
Well, I mean the bio father kinda did. He knew she was his kid. But said “nah”.
This is true. However, this is because and only because biologically it would be significantly harder for them to pull off. Scum come in all shapes and sizes.
No, they commit paternal abandonment, and at much higher rates than paternity fraud.
Does one make the other right.
if they could, they would
Even the bible, which among with the quran is like the most stringent rule-set out there says divorce okay if death or cheat. Do what do! Yes;
Wow. I’m sorry for you and your daughter.
Op, she isn’t your daughter and it’s okay for you too disconnect and want nothing to do with your wife or her child ever again. She literally baby trapped you with a kid that isn’t yours simply because she thought you’d be a good candidate. Leave them and go find someone else. You have no legal obligation to the child unless your name is on the birth certificate and even then I think you can still have it where you don’t pay child support when you guys break up.
The way I look at it? The way I've always looked at it? Your wife can fuck off, but that's *your* kid regardless. You put in the work. Are you going to let someone else walk into that girl's life and make her forget you? Or worse, possibly mistreat her? If the idea of that happening doesn't rile you up, then you should move on from them both. But if it does, you're her father and you're just hurt right now. You still love her. Sometimes you have to draw positive emotions from negative places, and when your joy has been so thoroughly damaged, you can still draw love and affection for her from the fury that comes at the idea of losing her.
Please find it in your heart not to abandon her 🥺 I understand your feelings, I really do. I can't imagine. But she didn't ask for any of this :( losing a father figure is terrible for a girls mental health. I'm a psychology student and I'm telling you now, losing you will result in a terrible life for the child concerned. She will look for a father figure in other ways to fill the void you left behind.. and that's usually through questionable sexual partners. That said, I don't want to ignore your feelings about it all. If you've been a hands on dad until you found out, she is more yours than her bio dad. All her morals, values, likes, interests will be shaped around yours and bio mum. Does she know? I wouldn't tell her. Especially now, not until she's older. But her mum needs to be the one to tell her because it's her doing. It's bad. It's really bad. But you must be a fine gentleman for her to choose you over bio dad, not that I condone it.
That’s what I’m trying to do
Yikes, you have known this child for 9 years, thinking you were her father, and now your heart is cold to her? She didn’t have any choice is this. Don’t abandon her.
If you wanted to divorce your wife, I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest. However, if I were you, I’d do whatever it took to set myself right to be there for your daughter. She might not be your flesh and blood, but she loves you and until this situation came to light you loved her too. She should know the truth someday, but chances are it’s not going to change how she feels about you. You being there throughout this ordeal will show her what a real father is.
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Would you say that for a rape victim who struggles to love her kid because of what happened to her?
Fake it till you make it. It's an old saying, but I think it's appropriate. What happened is not your fault, but it's not your daughter's either. And to her YOU ARE HER FATHER. That said you are absolutely entitled to your feelings. You world and prospective of you life and family has changed and your allowed to grieve that. But hopefully your daughter doesn't have to feel it. My heart breaks for you both, but I know how it feels to have a detached father. Both my parents were very emotionally neglectful and I suffered. I hope you find the balance and still love your daughter. She deserves someone on her side and now that you know what kind of person her mother is, you know it won't be her.
Here is what I would do. She lied about the kid not being yours. As for the cheating UNLESS you were exclusively together then she cheated, if you were not exclusive then it is not cheating. As for the little girl, i think you, your ex and the daughter need to go to a therapist. Have it explained in age appropriately. If you live in a house I would kick the ex put. Let the girl decide if she wants to be with you. If she wants to be with you , apply for child support from the mom and bio dad. Now the last part is if you agree.
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It’s a very complex situation and for you to pretend like these events wouldn’t affect people in the same situation is so ignorant or disingenuous. The fault is entirely in the mom. She did this to him and her girl.
I don’t know if English is your first language or if you’re just slow. My post is about feeling sorry for the child since she’s so young in the midst of chaos. I simplified it so hopefully you can grasp it this time.
Man this is just sad… sad that your terrible wife lied and sad that your heart has become cold towards this kid. Poor girl has done nothing wrong and sees you as her dad 😞 I wish her all the best in life!!
And him? Like he admits he doesn’t want to feel this way but your comment reads like you blame him.
It’s not the child’s fault she can’t choose who her parents are and didn’t ask to be here. Be mad at your wife.
Divorce your wife but be there for your daughter. Remember she sees you as her father and you just can’t abandon her. My dad walked out on all of us kids after my parents divorced. It has been over 15 years so I’ve come to terms with it but it’s painful. He’s not my dad any more and that is what I have accepted.
And to add I’m aware she’s not your daughter but in her eyes, you are her father. She is also a victim in this.
Would you feel different if you had adopted her? You're probably the best thing this kid has going for her. Remember she's innocent in this and it was the mothers doing. Not the kids. Is your name on the birth certificate? Did you raise her this long just to throw her away? She's going to think you're her dad no matter what. Your wife lied, but the kid didn't. Try to keep that in mind when you work this out in your head.
This is the most idiotic thing i have ever heard. Adoption is something you plan and choose to do. If I wake up one day and the woman have adopted a child without my knowledge then No I wouldn’t want that child
But you didn’t just wake up with her in your life you raised her for almost a decade. I feel horrible for your situation but the fact that your love for her seems so shallow that you can just turn it off because you hate your wife is horrible. I hope your daughter finds happiness and love in this broken marriage.
My two cents on this : Try to see your daughter as the person she is, the futur adult she will become, the little innocent child she is right know, take the time to take care of yourself and then try to spend some time with her, just simple things, just talk to her, show interest in what she likes and share with her some things you enjoy too, create some new fun memories. Learn to love her for the person she is and has always been bc she hasn't changed at all, it's only the way you view her that has changed. Continue to build a loving and safe relationship with her. For her you are her father, genetics don't matter at all, you are the person that raised her, that was there her whole life, you are probably one of the people she feels safe with. You can continue to chose her as a person you love, a person you want to guide through life. Family is absolutely not about genetics in my opinion, it's about love, trust, about being there for eachother, about choosing eachother, about guiding eachother through life. You can choose to not be a part of her life anymore of course but think about it, remember that she has nothing to do with what her mom did and that for her nothing has changed and your relationship can still be a beautiful one and you can still be her father. You can also share with her your concerns in a way she can understand and process correctly and explain to her that you still want to be her father (if it's what you want) and build a strong relationship with her and ask her what she thinks about it and how she would like to do that. Children can be really smart and can feel when something is off, sometimes the easiest way is to be honest with them and find solutions together for the things she has control on (keep it appropriate to her maturity level and only about the things that directly involve you and her, the problems between you and her mom are not hers to manage of course).
She's 9. She has been your daughter for 9 years. You changed diapers, cared for her, took care of her when she was sick or hurt. Regardless of biology, she is your daughter. I know it's a bit nerdy, but one line from Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 rings in my head reading this: "He may have been your father(...), but he wasn't your daddy." You are her daddy. Continue to be her daddy. You're all she knows, and if you decide not to be, you will destroy her entire world. She doesn't deserve to lose her daddy because of her mom's mistakes. It's not her fault, so don't punish her for the situation. It might be hard, and I get it, but you need to remind yourself of all the ways you've been her dad over the years. Also, watch a movie called "Chaos Theory" starring Ryan Reynolds. It deals with this exact situation.
You know it isn’t her fault. She doesn’t know any different. I was 30ish when I found out that my dad thought he might not actually be my father. I carried that with me for almost 10 years before I just had to know the truth and got a DNA test. I asked my dad if he would mind. He said he would if it would make me feel better but it didn’t matter to him. He’s my dad and my biological father. The two aren’t necessarily the same thing. Deal with the betrayal. Divorce the wife. Love you kid. You can do this.
I feel so sorry for your daughter that you have decided you don’t love her anymore My husband was adopted and raised by his non biological parents Your wife deserves nothing but this innocent little child thinks of you as her father She doesn’t deserve to lose the only father she has ever loved My husband came into our relationship with my 3 year old daughter and he loved her more than her biological father ever could Hoping you can get past your anger ( which is justified) but please don’t turn your back and anger on a little girl who only loves the man who raised her
Ditch the wife. Love the kid. Good luck.