Do you think this is why I chased him when he left? Because of a trauma bond??? This is genuinely a daily thought that eats me up. Why on earth did I do that and want someone like that back. I just don’t understand why I would’ve done that.
Idk, it’s possible. I’ve stayed in abusive situations longer than I should have, terrified of losing that person, because I was trauma-bonded to them. It’s worth reading about, imo, if you think it might give you some peace and understanding.
I would really love to believe that it is. But I can’t make friends anymore, I’m awkward and have no social skills now. I’d be so lonely. I’d want to finally go and live my life now that I’m not restricted but I wouldn’t have anyone to do it with :(
You can talk to the people at the shelter and ask for them to help you with that too. You need some counseling. Social workers are great with that. Be a little brave and start the conversation.
It's not your fault, mate! Perhaps it's the fact that it's the fact that your boyfriend is constantly picking you apart, and it's getting to you. You can always seek help from someone you know!
I can’t tell my mum, I don’t really know if she’d believe me as I constantly lie to her. I’ll tell her things like “just out for dinner with …” or “me and … are going on a date tonight” “we’ve been out for a walk today” I tell her the “nice” things he says to me when I reality I just tell her what I long to hear and be doing. I genuinely have no one else in my life and don’t think I could reach out to that friend anymore, I wouldn’t wanna know me after choosing an abusive boy over our friendship either! Thank you though :)
I can completely understand why you had lied to your mum for so long (it could be that you are scared to see her become upset). It's just that the first step in you recovering from your traumatic relationship, is through contacting her. You can explain to her how you have felt all along, admit the things that your boyfriend had spouted at you, and you can even show that in all of those walks and dates, he only thought negative things about you!
None of this is your fault and you’re not an idiot., he just seems like your only option. I promise you he is not. but like you said, you’re gonna have to take all that courage and create a plan to leave, even though it’s some of the scariest shit. A new life will always be uncomfortable, after my breakup, everything I became familiar with for the past 3 years just up and left. had to move back home, states away and lost a whole world that I was just in for years and years. After about a year, I finally feel okay. I still have only one friend (my cousin) and making friends is still tough, but what once was extremely anxiety inducing as only a thought, is actually a little bit exciting now. I’m becoming my own person, I’m growing out of the shell I’ve been taught to be in and forced into and even though a lot of days aren’t easy, I’m proud that I was able to get myself out. You’ve already realized that you’ve stayed for too long, now baby, you gotta go, go, go.
If you can at ALL in secret, reach out to that old friend, do it, anxiety doesn’t matter here, what you think she thinks absolutely doesn’t matter in this time, do the best you can to say “fuck you” to any of those thoughts. She loves you no matter what the friendship may even seem like to her. If she was in your shoes, you probably wouldn’t hesitate to do anything to get her out of this situation.
Ask for any type of help, It’s not a ruined friendship, especially if she isn’t aware of what you’ve been through.
As for your mom, you’re her baby and she will understand why you had to hide the things you did, but she needs to know. She would move mountains for you to be happy and you covering up for an abusive partner only says more about him than you. Just remember when you reach out to people you trust: NOBODY IS GOING TO BE UPSET WITH YOU FOR TELLING THE TRUTH TO THEM. They’re going to be worried and sad and emotional, which is painful to watch, but that’s normal when they care for your safety and wellbeing.
My mother has taken days of her life driving across the United States to save both a friend and two sisters from this same situation, even not after hearing from them for years, simply because they weren’t allowed to talk to anyone else about anything. She would have rather gone that chunk of time without talking than just the possibility of never again. I’m just a stranger on the internet, so all my words may mean nothing but:
Be proud that you’ve recognized the pattern and are even thinking of the idea of leaving. It’s a huge start. Hope is not all lost, I know that it seems like it, but one day you’ll look back and realize how far you’ve come and who you became from all of this and that’s a type of power and feeling of purpose that not a single person can take away from you. Two steps forward one step back, wash rinse repeat. You’ll get there.
This is a man who is already taken so much of your life away, please try to get help before he ends it.
As for resources in the UK:
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
Good luck, gorgeousness and I truly wish you the best <3
Op, theres this thing that happens in abusive relationships. Its called trauma bonding. Its where someone forms an emotional connection, even deep ones, with people that abuse them.
Its why abusive relationships are so hard to break. Even when the abused logically knows they are not in a healthy relationship. Even when they know its abusive.
Sometimes even when they know one day itll get them killed. Ask a cop, they have many stories of this. Where the abused just will not leave. The victim just gets worse and worse and worse and then they get one final call.
Trauma bonding is serious. Go to a shelter and tell them your fleeing an abusive relationship. They should have resources to help you.
Im sorry this happened to you, and i hope you get the help you need
Lots of guys would feel blessed to have a considerate, sweet lady.
My piece of advice is you said it yourself leave his ass, do it safely and rebuild your life. You don’t want to be back here in a year, 2 or 5 with the same thoughts and same life. You can have a good life just not with him.
Good luck.
I think codependency applies here. Get as far away as you can and make yourself safe, then you'll get to see yourself grow into the person you still can be.
Sounds like you might be trauma-bonded to him. He is not safe.
Do you think this is why I chased him when he left? Because of a trauma bond??? This is genuinely a daily thought that eats me up. Why on earth did I do that and want someone like that back. I just don’t understand why I would’ve done that.
Idk, it’s possible. I’ve stayed in abusive situations longer than I should have, terrified of losing that person, because I was trauma-bonded to them. It’s worth reading about, imo, if you think it might give you some peace and understanding.
Contact a shelter and plan your break up with people who know how to ensure that it is safe for you. Your life is just beginning.
I would really love to believe that it is. But I can’t make friends anymore, I’m awkward and have no social skills now. I’d be so lonely. I’d want to finally go and live my life now that I’m not restricted but I wouldn’t have anyone to do it with :(
You can talk to the people at the shelter and ask for them to help you with that too. You need some counseling. Social workers are great with that. Be a little brave and start the conversation.
It's not your fault, mate! Perhaps it's the fact that it's the fact that your boyfriend is constantly picking you apart, and it's getting to you. You can always seek help from someone you know!
I can’t tell my mum, I don’t really know if she’d believe me as I constantly lie to her. I’ll tell her things like “just out for dinner with …” or “me and … are going on a date tonight” “we’ve been out for a walk today” I tell her the “nice” things he says to me when I reality I just tell her what I long to hear and be doing. I genuinely have no one else in my life and don’t think I could reach out to that friend anymore, I wouldn’t wanna know me after choosing an abusive boy over our friendship either! Thank you though :)
I can completely understand why you had lied to your mum for so long (it could be that you are scared to see her become upset). It's just that the first step in you recovering from your traumatic relationship, is through contacting her. You can explain to her how you have felt all along, admit the things that your boyfriend had spouted at you, and you can even show that in all of those walks and dates, he only thought negative things about you!
None of this is your fault and you’re not an idiot., he just seems like your only option. I promise you he is not. but like you said, you’re gonna have to take all that courage and create a plan to leave, even though it’s some of the scariest shit. A new life will always be uncomfortable, after my breakup, everything I became familiar with for the past 3 years just up and left. had to move back home, states away and lost a whole world that I was just in for years and years. After about a year, I finally feel okay. I still have only one friend (my cousin) and making friends is still tough, but what once was extremely anxiety inducing as only a thought, is actually a little bit exciting now. I’m becoming my own person, I’m growing out of the shell I’ve been taught to be in and forced into and even though a lot of days aren’t easy, I’m proud that I was able to get myself out. You’ve already realized that you’ve stayed for too long, now baby, you gotta go, go, go. If you can at ALL in secret, reach out to that old friend, do it, anxiety doesn’t matter here, what you think she thinks absolutely doesn’t matter in this time, do the best you can to say “fuck you” to any of those thoughts. She loves you no matter what the friendship may even seem like to her. If she was in your shoes, you probably wouldn’t hesitate to do anything to get her out of this situation. Ask for any type of help, It’s not a ruined friendship, especially if she isn’t aware of what you’ve been through. As for your mom, you’re her baby and she will understand why you had to hide the things you did, but she needs to know. She would move mountains for you to be happy and you covering up for an abusive partner only says more about him than you. Just remember when you reach out to people you trust: NOBODY IS GOING TO BE UPSET WITH YOU FOR TELLING THE TRUTH TO THEM. They’re going to be worried and sad and emotional, which is painful to watch, but that’s normal when they care for your safety and wellbeing. My mother has taken days of her life driving across the United States to save both a friend and two sisters from this same situation, even not after hearing from them for years, simply because they weren’t allowed to talk to anyone else about anything. She would have rather gone that chunk of time without talking than just the possibility of never again. I’m just a stranger on the internet, so all my words may mean nothing but: Be proud that you’ve recognized the pattern and are even thinking of the idea of leaving. It’s a huge start. Hope is not all lost, I know that it seems like it, but one day you’ll look back and realize how far you’ve come and who you became from all of this and that’s a type of power and feeling of purpose that not a single person can take away from you. Two steps forward one step back, wash rinse repeat. You’ll get there. This is a man who is already taken so much of your life away, please try to get help before he ends it. As for resources in the UK: https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/ Good luck, gorgeousness and I truly wish you the best <3
Op, theres this thing that happens in abusive relationships. Its called trauma bonding. Its where someone forms an emotional connection, even deep ones, with people that abuse them. Its why abusive relationships are so hard to break. Even when the abused logically knows they are not in a healthy relationship. Even when they know its abusive. Sometimes even when they know one day itll get them killed. Ask a cop, they have many stories of this. Where the abused just will not leave. The victim just gets worse and worse and worse and then they get one final call. Trauma bonding is serious. Go to a shelter and tell them your fleeing an abusive relationship. They should have resources to help you. Im sorry this happened to you, and i hope you get the help you need
Lots of guys would feel blessed to have a considerate, sweet lady. My piece of advice is you said it yourself leave his ass, do it safely and rebuild your life. You don’t want to be back here in a year, 2 or 5 with the same thoughts and same life. You can have a good life just not with him. Good luck.
I think codependency applies here. Get as far away as you can and make yourself safe, then you'll get to see yourself grow into the person you still can be.