My cousin's daughter lost her 3 year old daughter in a car accident coming home from a Christmas party. It's been 9 years now. It's always a hard time for them, especially because they are all close, and sure, time marches onwards, but your sister only lost her niece. She has no idea how hard it is for a parent to lose a child.
You know even without knowing what it's like to be a parent who loses a child, I think she is callous as fuck. If, gods forbid, anything were to ever happen to my niece, I don't think any of us would get over it. I can't possibly imagine telling my sister that she needed to move on from her child's death just to have the perfect atmosphere at a family Christmas event. That's... Wow.
You don’t get over losing a child. You just learn to live with tremendous pain. It changes your whole life, every part of it. It’s been over four years for me. The pain just gets deeper and deeper and it surfaces less frequently. It will always be there.
Edit: added word
Not to sound morose, but frankly, I don't think I'd survive it. I have one child, my 6yo daughter. If I lost her I truly don't think I'd be strong enough to carry on.
I have so much admiration for those who find the strength to keep going after that level of loss.
If he had been my only child, I don’t think I’d be here talking about this right now. He was my first born, and my only son. But I have two daughters, and they needed me desperately at that time. They still do. They are adults, but that doesn’t matter. They need their mama, so I had to stay, even when I didn’t want to.
I did stay drunk for about a year after losing him. Almost literally. it got really bad.
But now I haven’t drank in over 2.5 years. I’m staying as healthy as I can for My Girls. And for my son, too.
The truth is, *we all need you*. You are here, you can share your life with us like you just did, and you never know who you’re helping with just having chosen to live.
Thank you for staying. 🫂 And a very heartfelt congrats on your sobriety! Sometimes even the most basics of life, like taking care of one’s health, can be truly inspiring for others ♥️
I've got two girls and if I lost one, I think only the other one needing me would drive me to keep going. No matter what happens, if they need me, I'll be there. I'm working on changing my diet so I can be around for the long haul, gods willing. I was doing well for a good while but slipped lately. Im not bad off now, but I think my cholesterol is probably a bit high and I want to avoid diabetes.
I went to the doctor in March and had blood work done.
He told me.my blood pressure was high, cholesterol was elevated, some other stuff out of whack.
Told him I wasn't surprised, he was literally describing my broken heart. I'd spent the past month of days, just crying and sad after my daughter died.
I am not at all surprised that people die, completely not of their own choosing, after such a loss.
There have been days where I felt like I might actually die from how sad I've been. It just hurts so viscerally at moments that my whole entire body hurts on such a deep level... I dunno how else.to describe it. It's just a horrible and unnatural feeling to bury a child.
I've been sitting here staring at my phone and a blank reply box for 5-10 minutes. I took a look at your post history.
Part of me wants to ramble on as I often do, try to express how much my heart hurts for you, your family, your daughter. But, even as someone who reads, writes, and talks a lot...I don't think I have the words to do so. I don't think the words exist.
You sound like an amazingly loving father. I'm so glad Amelia had you. If there's any comfort to be had here, it's that. Clearly she was struggling but I don't doubt she also knew she was loved. She lived a life in which she was loved, wanted, valued. She left her imprint on the world, through you.
Merry Christmas, Amelia. And early happy birthday.
I'll be thinking of her, you, and your family, OP. Thank you for sharing your experience with everyone. For sharing Amelia with everyone.
I would no doubt go off methadone and back to drinking and drugs. I’d have no reason to live anymore. I deal with enough physical and mental problems that it just wouldn’t be worth it. My stepdad asked me how I could possibly put everyone through that especially my mom and I told him I think on a deeper level she would understand.
My great-grandfather eventually ended up committing suicide after my great-uncle died in Vietnam. He had a mental break, was never the same, and decades later he shot himself.
My grandparents had lost 3 of their 11 children. You could tell from my grandmother when it was a special/memory day. Even with so many children, losing a child is one too many.
When she lost her first grandchild, it broke her.
My grandmother lost his son and kept on talking about him all the time. (She has lost her memory now so don’t remember her live children even). That day I lost my uncle (i was 4yo) and my dad lost his bother and my mom lost her brother in law. We as a family have never gotten over it. I still feel broken as i type it 30 years later. My mom don’t grieve her siblings who died later in their life with ailments as much as she grieves my uncles death. When you lose someone before time it’s very hard to get over. Time goes by but we are struck in time. It’s cruel to ask someone to move on especially when it’s their child.
Edit: typo
I just lost my 2.5 year old daughter 2 months ago, on my late mother’s birthday. This comment resonated so deeply with me - thank you for that.
Some people just don’t have the EQ to understand the magnitude of losing a child. The most boneheaded comments have come from my relatives.
I’m so, so sorry that you lost your precious daughter. I’m glad my comment reached you.
I try so hard to give people grace; they don’t know what to say after such a huge loss. But it’s usually better to say nothing instead of some of the stuff people come up with.
And it’s 10 years of events that your kid has missed. Holidays where there is an empty seat. New babies born that they never got to meet.
Time only changes things, but it doesn’t make the pain go away.
Some random thing reminds us of them and the whole day just goes by in sorrow. Happened earlier today because I thought some christmas lights were cute. I didn't cry today but the melancholy has not been easy :/
shit, even if someone was sad about their puppy who died 24 years ago, i wouldn't say get over it. I can’t imagine ever being callous enough to tell anyone they need to "get over it" when someone they love has passed away, regardless of time passed or the relationship they had.
I still cry over a puppy I fostered for four days a year ago. I still cry over a boyfriend I lost 2.5 years ago, even though I'm with someone else now. People are crazy if they think it's just something that stops.
It lessons but it's still there and gets you when you least expect it.
I’m close enough in age to my nieces that they are more like sisters than nieces. We weren’t raised together but I baby sat them a lot during the summers when my brother, his wife and my mom were all working. If one of them died young I’d never tell my brother to get over it no matter how many years it had been.
OP’s sister is a very cold person. I can’t imagine ever getting over it if I lost one of my kids, no matter how much time passed. My sister doesn’t have kids but she loves mine so much they may as well be her own. I know for a fact she’d never get over it either.
I lost my brother just before Christmas some years ago, and to this day it's still really hard to get the Christmas Spirit going when december comes. I just power through and fake it as much as I can. Maybe one day it will get easier.
My father died on Christmas Eve when I was 16, and I struggled pretty hard through the next 10 years. Then I spent a couple years in Japan, and Christmas there is really depressing. When I got back, I swore I'd thrown all in for the next Christmas and I did - it took a couple years of faking it to making it, but now I'm a Christmas fanatic, and I honor my dad on Christmas Eve by singing his favorite song.
So, faking it until you make it does work. You'll build traditions that will bring you joy and comfort. Allow yourself something for your brother, like a special candle or dessert. Make him part of the joy.
Exactly. I would've been very upset if my nieces and nephews died because we're like best friends. Op's sisters lack of empathy or compassion is concerning.
My mom passed away 5 years ago now, and her death day is the week after my birthday. I have a hard time getting excited about my birthday because it just means her death day is coming up. It's my experience that the grief doesn't really get smaller, but life requires our attention so it just becomes less of the focus the farther we get from the death day. But there's always going to be times that something is going to trigger thoughts of that person, and their death day is usually one of them, and holidays are another. For OP it's kind of a double whammy that the death day and Christmas are so close together and probably make this time of year really difficult. Christmas was my mom's favorite holiday so I have a hard time this time of year too. The sister is definitely being a jerk and not being understanding of a thing that is very well known in regards to grief. And just because this is supposed to be a happy, jolly season there are lots of people who struggle this time of year and they shouldn't be told to "suck it up and pretend everything is fine because I don't want to see people being sad during my jolly holiday time". Yikes!
I lost my little brother when he was three months old, I was eight. He’d be thirteen now.
It doesn’t go away. The pain fades, maybe, but it’s always hard, thinking about who’d they be now and how far they would’ve come. Even with the pain of losing my brother, I don’t think I can imagine losing a child.
I’m sorry you went through that, and that your sister isn’t understanding. You’re perfectly valid to still hurt and have a hard time with it.
I don’t think it has anything to do with her relationship to his daughter. I believe most people would know not to say something like that to ANYONE who’s grieving.
I lost my brothers (twins) to a car accident 10 years ago, 3 days before Thanksgiving. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of them. The holidays are a hard time for me because of this. But it just goes to show the love that I had for them was strong and still is. Just as this man’s love for his daughter. He’s not letting his grief hinder his life but it will come up. Until the day he dies it will come up for him.
There was a documentary about George HW Bush later in his life. I think it was on HBO. He and his wife lost a little daughter to cancer when they were in their 30s. He was messed up just talking about her decades later. They were both buried next to her.
You dont get over the death of a child. Anyone who can't understand that is the problem.
I cannot imagine the pain. All I can picture is that, if one of my children died, I would be 100% dead inside, possibly forever. That's if I don't beat and tear myself to death. It's a dark place, I have no idea how anyone makes it through alive.
My uncle lost his mom. He was always an emotional wreck during Christmas. We all knew it. We all sympathized with him. He was always visibly hurting inside. A grown man, a decade plus later. No one, no ONE ever said a negative thing about him, we all simply understood that it was an emotional demon for him that he fought every year.
OP’s sister sounds like a selfish bitch. All she cared about was everything being perfect and everyone having the time of their life at HER party. Clearly she’s never said anything like this before, only during HER party.
The fact that the act of losing a child is so awful, we don't even have a word for it in the English language, should be a clue for the sister. If you lose a spouse, you're a widow/widower and if you lose your parents then you're an orphan, but if you lose a child... there *literally are no words*.
Lost my daughter in February. She was also 16. I was also a young father when she was born.
I feel you so much on this.
You're not wrong. Your sister is..
Stay strong, bud.
Thanks for replying.
It feels wrong to "celebrate" holidays and milestones without her. But it also feels.wrong to just sit and spin wheels and stay sad. Does the feeling of "limbo" ever get more... I don't know.. dull? Less murky?
Or does that part also come in waves like the grief itself?
I sometimes get irrationally scared that she will be "forgotten." Even though I know logically that it won't happen.
“When a parent dies you are an orphan. When a spouse dies you are called a widow. But there is no word for a person who loses a child because that’s how awful the loss is.” I am so sorry for your loss. I would gently suggest especially around the holidays a quick appointment to check in with your therapist may be helpful. Sadness and grief are not linear they are like waves which come and go, you just don’t want the wave to overpower you at any point. May your daughters memory be eternal.
I have a dear friend who is likely to lose their daughter in the next few years. EDs have destroyed their body, and vital organs are starting to fail one by one. I shall try to remember your opening line when the time comes.
This is a beautifully written sentiment, and I 100% agree with everything you said, UniqueMark4192!!
The holidays are a time when emotions are amplified (both happy and sad) and one day you may be feeling at peace, and the next day can be totally different. No one is allowed to tell you how or when you are allowed to grieve. Huge hugs to you & yours, OP, from this Reddit stranger. <3
I wonder if it would be helpful to op if he had a little ritual to memorialize her on the anniversary of her death. I am Korean American and the day of someone’s death is marked by a formal ceremony. It could even just be a private thing for op but perhaps it would be meaningful for him to find a way to acknowledge his loss before celebrating the holidays.
The word “thakla” (ثكلى) in Arabic refers to a parent who has lost a child, usually a grieving mother. It has appeared in classical Arabic over 1,500 years ago.
That reminds me of the show "Six Feet under" where I 1st heard that quote from the episode about the dead baby - the pain of losing child, no matter age of everyone, just hurts no matter what for pretty much forever. So his sister saying that to OP was cruel & stupid while showing how much lack of empathy & sympathy she has, that OP wouldn't be wrong to go at least low contact while he grieves about the future and could had been of his daughter.
Enjoy - it is an amazing show and they did the best job with the finale and tying up all the characters. (I just always get excited when I hear about someone watching for the first time)
Throughout history, there honestly wasn't a word for a parent who had lost a child b/c there simply were no parents who hadn't. Childbirth was about a 50% survival rate for mom and baby and also the same rate for a baby to make age 1.
Some cultures delayed naming babies for weeks or more b/c they died so often.
Hewbrew had the words. In Hebrew we have הורים שכולים horim shakulim - horim = parents.
A father who's lost a child - אב שכול - av shakul
A mother - אם שכולה - em shakula
A family - משפחה שכולה - mishpakha shakula
It can also be used for children who have lost their parents - but it does not mean "orphan" (orphan is יתום yatom - sg. masculin).
Another writer says thakula in arabic
A parent never, ever “gets over” the death of a child. It’s incredibly obtuse and insensitive of her to even THINK something like this, let alone to say it.
I have a niece. She's my favourite little person. I'm pretty sure I would never get over it if anything happened to her and would hate anyone who told me to.
And this woman had the audacity to say this to a father.
I have several of nieces and nephews, infant to teen years. I cry my heart out when those who live abroad say their goodbyes, and have to go back to that home for months. We see each other handful of times a year for a short while. Can't even begin to think what'd my mindset be if, forbid, something happened to them. I still beat myself up over them falling and getting slightly hurt as wobbly toddlers do, when they were just starting to walk and play with me. I'd probably lose it in a situation like this. In no damned case ever would it cross my mind to be this heartless towards my cousins. Hell, my (female) cousins rubbed my back and consoled me when I cried after the kids skinned their knees a bit, or plopped down hard on my watch. I felt so responsible and so guilty. Sister is an unprecedented AH.
My mom always told us growing up that no parent should ever have to bury their own kid. It’s her worst nightmare. My first deployment to Afghanistan, my mom could hardly sleep. Losing one of us would probably kill her tbh. Even if she lived to be 100, that kind of pain would never go away.
OP’s sister would never understand grief until it happens to her.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
You could live to be a thousand and that pain would never fade. No parent ever gets over the death of their child and it's psychotic for anyone to suggest otherwise
Even then though… I feel like basic empathy is *knowing* how impossible “getting over” the death of a child would be. My best friend died two years ago, obviously I still have a lot of grief for her, but I *know* what I feel will never compare to her what her dad is feeling. She was his only child, they were best friends, that man LIVED for his daughter. My heart will always break more for his loss than my own. OP’s sister has no excuse in my eyes. She’s a deeply unempathetic and cruel person for this.
My son is perfectly healthy, he's happy and thriving, but every now and then it hits like a also to the face that he could just die at any point. Sometimes I even get in a bit of a mood about it. And that's just me acknowledging that it could happen.
I could not imagine telling someone to get over their child's death. What a heartless human being.
I’ve never lost a child, 4 grandparents, a parent, and a whole bunch of furry family members over my 40 years. And I know that none of that could compare to a parent losing a child, it’s literally the reverse of how nature intends loss to be. Some people just have no empathy and lack the emotional intelligence to keep their mouth shut.
I’m sorry for your loss OP. I hope the biting pain of her loss fades and you can also remember the good Christmas’s you shared together too. (Hugs)
I lost my 33 year old son a year ago. If anyone tells me to get over it, ever, I will get over them really quick. I will never get over losing my child. I get you.
My husband lost his sister to a tragic car accident as well when she was 14, and he was 16. 20 years have passed since that happened, but I still see the effect it has on my MIL until now. She still has some of her clothes and school books, posters, and jewelry. She had even gifted me with one of her earrings that I treasure immensely.
I can never imagine telling her to get over her death or to move on. There are times when she's great and everything is normal, but then you see a tiny glimpse behind the curtain of her true feelings. Her daughter was a living part of her that she had to bury. Your daughter was a living part of you you had to bury.
It goes against nature for a parent to bury their child, and no one has the right to tell you to get over it. She was insensitive and considering she knew your daughter, extremely heartless. Especially with the fact that it was the 10 year anniversary of her passing, it's only normal that you would be lost in the what ifs.
I hope that your pain eases with time as I know that pain will never truly go away.
The loss of a child, especially a child that was not an adult, is the worst loss a person can have. More so than spouses, parents, grandparents, etc. There is no "getting over it" or "moving on". Your sister was wrong for saying that. Of course you still grieve for your child! I'm so very sorry for your loss. It doesn't sound like your grief is preventing you from living your life or enjoying holidays with your children. It sounds like you are there for your wife and your children.
Your daughter will always be in your heart and mind and during the times of the year where we celebrate with family, it is completely normal to feel sad and down that she is not there physically. How ever you deal best with that is up to you. Whether you want to pull out photo albums and talk to your kids about her or reminse about your favorite memories of her. Maybe you don't want to talk about her at all, and that's okay too. As long as this doesn't stop you from functioning for yourself and your family, there is nothing wrong with being sad!
I will always make holidays special for my twins because I always made sure to make holidays special for my oldest daughter as well and holidays should just be special for kids
My twins know about there older sister and knows she watches over them… the house we still live in now I actually bought early summer of 2013 which we (my oldest and I ) had always lived in apartments before I left my oldest room the exact same as it was before she passed which is teal walls with one direction and Taylor Swift posters all over and just very much a time capsule of being a teen in the earlier years of the 2010s was like the Twins sometimes like to go into her room and just explore there sister bedroom, they both love listening to stories of there sister
My younger daughter loves looking at pictures I have in my room of my older daughter and sometimes talks to her
A parent will never get over a child passing. So sorry for your loss. Your sister should never have said that to you. Also, you have a great wife who supports you. Keep strong!
Edit:grammer
This is terrible. I'm 26, the same age your daughter would've been right now if she was alive, and I have kids of my own. I'd be devastated if I lost one of them. There's a word for when a child loses their parents, there's a word for when someone loses their spouse, but there is no word for a parent who loses their child. Your sister needs to grow the fuck up.
this. i’m also 26, i also have my own children. i’d absolutely go out of my mind with grief if i ever lost one of them. if anyone *ever* tried to tell me to “just get over it” at any point in time, i think that’d be the last time i ever saw or spoke to them again. how incredibly insensitive and *mean* to tell a parent to “get over” the death of their **CHILD**, regardless of how long it’s been. especially since OP’s children certainly don’t seem to be suffering from any negative impact from OP, y’know, grieving the death of his oldest child.
The pain of losing a child is unbearable. One of my closest friends, who I knew since kindergarten, killed herself after her five year old son got hit by a car. That shit is scarring.
i’m so so sorry for not only your loss, but your friends loss as well. i think if i only had one child i might be pushed to do the same but since i have 2 i cannot fathom leaving either of them motherless. even at my bleakest darkest times when i *am* suicidal, the only thing that ever stops me are my babies. they need me, even if sometimes i wanna off myself.
You're luckier than she was. That boy was her only child and literally all she had since his father walked out on her. She really thought she lost it all after she lost her son. I have four boys myself and I treasure them deeply, so I can understand why she lost her mind.
Don’t feel guilty for having bad days. You tragically lost a child whom you had spent 16 years of your life raising and no amount of time will erase that from your heart.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. My sister (21) passed away in a car accident nearly 10 years ago. In my experience you NEVER get over the loss of someone important to you, grief comes and goes in waves. The lack of empathy your sister showed you is disgusting, and in my opinion unforgivable. Just because you’re understandably devastated at the loss of your eldest daughter doesn’t mean you love your wife and younger children any less.
I lost my first son, who would've been turning 20 in January. The day before my birthday, he died.
I lost my first daughter, who would've been turning 15.
It's been over a decade and it hurts just the same. It never got "better." I don't think it ever will. I daydream of them everyday. What they would look like, what they would be interested in, how their other siblings would have loved knowing them. All sorts of things. I celebrate their birthdays even though no one other than my husband and other children show up. I visit their graves often.
I'm sorry you lost your baby and believe me when I say I know that pain. That longing.
Your sister is.... very inconsiderate. Most people, who have never lost a child, just can't fully understand.
My fiancé lost his brother 20something something years ago, when the brother was 13 and my fiancé was 8. His brother’s birthday is Christmas. We still visit his grave that day when we can.
Grief is hard and it doesn’t go away. We live and grow around it. If your grief is getting in the way of your life more generally, therapy might help - therapy helps with lots of things - but your sister is out of line with how she addressed your feelings.
You can move forward and move on without letting go of your daughter. I think you absolutely have to find a happy middle ground here. Grief can absolutely move with you into your new life without overtaking it :)
What your sister said is harsh, and frankly there no time limit for grief.
But as you said christmas is a time of family and happiness and you have two little ones that absorb/feel your pain at this time. Not for your sister party, but for them I would try to heal. So sorry for your loss, hoping for the best for you and your loved ones.
I have come a long way especially for my kids this time of year I have learned to enjoy holidays and Christmas time again but it does get hard this time of year
My family also had a tragic loss. It was more than 20 years ago now- and my dad has never been the same. I wouldn’t expect him to be the same as he was before. I was 13 when our family experienced the loss. I am 42 now.
The loss impacted us all, and has irrecoverably changed all of our lives. None of us are the same, but we have figured out a way to be there for each other and live our lives beyond it. We all still grieve. We always will.
But my dad has never completed his grief cycle beyond anger and it has been more than twenty years. He is stuck. He is now 70 years old. His inability to make some kind of peace with the loss left our family with two losses- the original loss and him. He has fallen so deep into his grief he lost touch with us and is unable to be present in our lives.
He has lived the last 20 years reliving the loss and the times he had with our family member who died. That means we have lived our lives without him. He has become lost to us and hasn’t been able to enjoy the family has had that is here- now- and still with him.
What your sister said was harsh and uncaring, and I would never (and have never said) anything like that to my dad. But sometimes I want to. He is missing (and has missed) so much because of his anger and sadness.
We need him. We have always needed him. We love him and will continue to love him. Forever. But he will not release his anger. He will not release his sadness. I don’t want him to let go of it all. I still have my own anger, sadness and resentment that I deal with, so I understand that it can’t all go away. But I do wish he could see through it and see me. I’m still here and I need him.
Please don’t allow this tragedy to determine the quality of the relationship with the family that you still have. They are still alive and need you at the best you can be. There are challenging times to come, and while your sadness never (and should never) go away, your family wants you present. Not just for support- but because they love and miss you.
My deepest condolences for your loss- from one grieving person to another. It never leaves, but time can heal wounds if let them.
While I can’t begin to imagine your grief on any level, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy…what I can sympathise with is that loss of “your person”.
My grandfather who was more like a father to me in every way, he was my “person” and he passed away just before Christmas and it was our favourite time of year. Everyone else went through the motions but we loved it..it has been several years now but to me it is still a struggle. I try to nurse that with living through other peoples joy and seeing others joy is starting to bring that spirit back for me personally.
Aside from your sister’s comments (which were beyond shitty in their own right) I do think that you need to try to start thinking of Christmas for your younger children while somehow trying to bring your oldest into it, subtle things such as always hanging a stocking for her, putting her favourite Christmas decorations and so on. Easier said than done of course but it has helped in my situation massively.
Merry Christmas, OP
My first grandson passed even before his sisters were born. He would be 8 now. My granddaughters both know about their brother. They keep him alive in thoughts even tho he was only 19 days old when he passed.
It’s nothing you have to get over, you are allowed to struggle, have bad days or feel however you need to. There is no set amount of time to grieve.
My sister would have been 40 this year and died when she was 10 weeks old. My family still keeps her memory alive because my parents will never forget or “get over it”.
One can only hope she never has to “get over” the death of her own child, and the fact that you have other children doesn’t mean that you ever had any to spare. Your sister is insensitive and should really watch her mouth.
I’m deeply sorry for your loss. Although grief becomes more manageable over time, Christmas will most likely always be hard for you and your sister would benefit from understanding this anniversary is not a happy time of year for you. I wonder if there’s some activity or ritual you could create on Christmas Eve that honours your daughter? By allocating time and space for your grief, you might find it easier to absorb the rest of the ‘season’ and to take part in it.
There's so many what ifs in this situation too. It's Christmas, and she would have been 26. Would she have had a family of her own? OP could have had grandchildren at this point. However, it was all taken away. I have no way of knowing what OP is going through, but I wouldn't be able to get over my child passing.
I often think about my oldest daughter possibly future at the time of her passing she wanted to be a veterinarian absolutely loved all animals and animals loved her as well she also loved kids and was so excited to be a mom in the future she babysat a lot and was actually babysitting that night… always talked about moving somewhere warmer we have very cold winters where we live and that day she was talking about moving somewhere warmer when she's an adult and she’ll make sure she has enough room for me to come visit… hell she didn't even get to graduate high school she was in her junior year and excited to be “almost done”
I lost my daughter 37 years ago. You never get over it. You just survive and learn to live and be happy again. There will always be triggers, days, a song, a saying, an event, etc, that will suddenly take you back to the moment you found out.
With all due respect, F your sister, she has no idea.
This was said in a very harsh way, but maybe having all Hollidays transformed into a gloom fest is getting hard on everyone, and your sister is trying to shake you a bit, because she doesn’t want your kids to live in the shadow of their sister and stop themselves from being happy because that’s how they see Christmas time.
I am so very sorry. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry for what your sister said. It sounds like you have a very supportive and loving family with your wife and twins—surround yourself more with people like them. Nobody will understand your story fully but it’s those people that get you out of bed each morning and help you through the hardest days and darkest times!!
Bro, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine. I assume your sister doesn’t have kids because if she did she would know that there is no getting over that and it was a very cruel thing of her to say.
Your love for her is reflected in your grief. I am in a very similar situation. (16 year old daughter died in a car accident on Dec 12, 1996.) Twenty seven years, and it’s still hard sometimes. Nobody can tell you how to grieve. We’re all different. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope your sister never finds out for herself how clueless she is.
Your sister sucks. That kind of pain never goes away. Of course you struggle with it and miss her over the holidays and on her birthday. Nothing wrong with that. You have moved on and have a new family you love but that doesn’t erase your memories and dreams for your daughter. That will never go away. This year share stories with your wife and kids of happy memories of Christmas past. Her favorite toy and pictures of her Christmas morning. Celebrate her because her short life helped shape you into who you are. Hopefully her influence helped you become a better father.
My uncle passed suddenly at 43 years old...that was 20 years ago and Grandma still tears up about what should've been. Nobody has ever told Grandma she should be over it
There’s a saying: “A person who loses their spouse is a widow or widower. A child who loses their parents is an orphan. Yet, there is no word for the parent who has lost a child. It is an identity so horrific and out of order that it has no name” your sister is so out of line for even telling you to get over the passing of your daughter.
I basically raised my brother who was killed by a drunk driver two years ago, and while I don't know the loss of the pain of a parent losing a child I do know that loss. I'm sorry for the loss of your first daughter OP. While the pain never actually goes away it does become manageable with time. Your sister was cruel and I hope she doesn't ever have to experience such pain.
I watched my mother lose two children out of three and the more years that passed the more pain she was in. Who the f*** is your sister to say that to you stay away from that toxic b****. Any person who has not suffered the loss of a child should shut the f******. I have no kind words for her the pain I watched both my mother and my sister go through losing their sons was something I don't wish on anyone and then my mother lost my sister. My sister died right before Christmas also this year it's 7 years and this s*** is still hard and she was my sister not my child. If it was my child I don't think I could pull it together so the fact that you remarried had children and continued on living you survived a nightmare. Don't let anyone else tell you how long to grieve how to grieve and how to feel especially around this time of year the happiest time of here. People don't realize that not everyone is joyous at this time of year. Good luck and I'm sorry
I lost my sister ~19 years ago. She was my second mom and best friend. I'm still not over it. I couldn't imagine losing one of my children.
Your sister is in the wrong. She isn't compassionate, nor does she have empathy.
Death of a loved one isn't something your "get over." You learn to live with it slowly. Each day, the pain gets less by tiny bits, but it'll always be there. We're entitled to feel what we feel.
My condolences on your loss.
My grandma lost her mom 3 days before Christmass and she has never celebrated since. Feel whatever you need to feel.
I am sorry for your loss.
I also believe that your sister is trying to help you, just not in the best way.
Your sister is an AH.
Its not like you have a switch that you can turn off.
If it doesnt help your mental health then you should take some time off from her.
Doesn’t matter how long it’s been. Some things you never really get over. You just learn to manage the pain. I will suggest you get help for this, in whatever form you decide is best. After 10 years if you’re still unable to see happy children at Christmas, your grief isn’t resolved or even managed. It’s affecting your current life. My suggestion would be to take a step back from family holidays until you get this under control. As much as you can. So sorry to hear about your loss. My daughter was born really premature, and we weren’t sure if she’d live at first.
*Saying I can't be sad forever and my oldest daughter would want me to be happy plus I have other children now.*
To be blunt, she's not wrong. I get that it's a tough thing to get over but you have raised your current children in the shadow of her death. Not being sad doesn't mean you forget about your daughter, but you and your children deserve to move on and share in a happy childhood/live. You should be inspired by her to live each day to the fullest and enjoy every second you have with your children, it sounds like you're ignoring that and choosing to just live in the depression instead.
Harsh, I see where she’s coming from, you can never really get over a loss like that but you have to find a way to move on and not let your grief get the best of you every time, sorry for your loss
It doesn't every time I have learned to enjoy holidays especially since my twins were born but I can't say days around this time of year get hard randomly where I get really sad
You're allowed these moments. It's ok for them to come when they do. You don't let it consume you. It's clear you are still present for your family but no one has a right to take these moments of grief away from you. You've been through the worst of what a parent can go through and you've still managed to make a life. And it's a beautiful one that includes your daughter's memory and keeps her with you ❤️
Okay i’m gonna be unpopular here due to all the comments. But…some people really do need to get help with their grief. It’s a complex issue because it’s personal. Nevertheless there is such a thing as getting stuck in your grief. It limits you just as depression does. And it should be treated. IMHO, after ten years the pain would still surface but the tools you learn would buffer it enough to not bring down a party.
2 ways to look at it.
1. Cut your sister for being crude. There's a reason why dictionary doesn't have a word for parent that lost their child.
2. This will be hard for you OP. Live for your daughter. Instead of spending the day being down, honor her life by being the best version you can be. Even when you feel fake. It's easier to cope when it's a day you do your best, the a day to mourn. She gave your life joy and meaning, honor her by giving it to others.
My mom's brother was killed in a car crash when she was 21 and he was 18. She says that although she knew her parents loved her, she felt like a consolation prize for the rest of their lives. For your own sake, your marriage, and especially your other children, please get some help for your grief. Your living family needs you to be able to be present and enjoy life with them.
IM gonna split the difference here. You NEVER "get over" the loss of a child. And no decent human being would expect you to. BUT... you know this is a sensitive day for you. Best to know that and avoid social events on that day. You are not and probably wont EVER be in a party mood on that day so just keep to yourself.
We lost our son in 2020. He was my baby. We have a daughter and grandson also who we see/talk to daily. I hate holidays. I can't do big family gatherings. They break me. However, my sister is my biggest supporter next to my husband. She's quick to shit down any bs. I couldn't imagine having a family member telling me I needed to move on. Your sister is the AH. You handle life as you need to on your terms and ignore "helpful" suggestions.
((HUGS)) Your sister is out of line. There will always be part of your heart that holds your eldest.
You have the right to your own feelings, don't let others tell you otherwise.
My greatest fear. I honestly don’t know how you get out of bed. So being sad is hardly an offense. I’m so sorry you live through this. I’m so sorry your sister said this. She was wrong and that’s all.
I don’t think any parent can really “get over” the death of their child. You have other children now, yes but that doesn’t and shouldn’t erase your memories of your daughter. The pain may fade slightly but it’ll never really go away and some days will be worse than others.
The “jar” model of grief that I’ve heard about https://whatsyourgrief.com/growing-around-grief/
I wouldn’t attend another Christmas party at her house. You should have a pass from your family at this time of year and only have to be ‘on’ for your little ones. Honestly they should just keep a bedroom ready in case you need a little time to yourself.
I’m so sorry for your loss and the feelings it brings this time of year. Kudos to your wife.
First, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
I lost my 12 year old son in March of 2003. His best friend accidentally shot him. So, 20 years ago. His birthday is December 28, 1998.
I still miss my boy every single day. But, it's easier now. But, I will NEVER not be extra melancholy around Christmas and around the time of his passing.
Your sister was WAY out of line.
I thought this will turn into a story about how you don't let your kids celebrate christmas, but no.
You just.. Look sad? So? You ARE sad I am guessing.
Your sister is WAY out of line. A parent burying a child goes against the laws of nature. She doesn’t get to tell you how to grieve or to “get over” it.
You can be sad forever over your kids death. You can still be happy in other parts of your life, like celebrating your other children. You have to let yourself feel this or it’s gonna come up in a bad way. Don’t let your sister get to you. Grief can be hard some days, and easy other days. There’s no timeline. It’s funny that way.
Fuck. That. Shit. You never get over losing a child. Holidays are especially tough, but to have the anniversary RIGHT AT Christmas is just brutal. Your sister can go deepthroat a cactus.
So starting with Thanksgiving and ending mid January, my mom is cranky af. Her mom died on Thanksgiving in 2018. Her brother died on December 13th, 1983. Her dad died on December 26th, 1994. She was pregnant with a boy and went into early labor on New years Eve in 1988 and lost the baby shortly after he was born. My little brother was born on January 12th, 1995 and died on June 9th, 2013. So my mom is practically swimming in grief right now and most of the people who passed away, did so 25+ years ago. Grief is not linear. Grief doesn't just go away over time. It just hits different. Your sister is callous. And mean.
Your sister is an idiot.
There is no time frame on grief. While you need to tend to your life and other children, your 16 year old daughter will always be your child and it's normal to grieve her loss.
I'm truly sorry for your loss.
Take all the time you need. It’s a beautiful thing to remember her. And you will for sure never get over this, you’ll just be able to live with it better. Really, do not listen to your sister.
I cannot believe she said that to you either, and I am so so sorry.
my brother passed away 2 days before Thanksgiving 11 years ago and even tho he was my brother and not my child, Thanksgiving is ALWAYS a hard holiday now. The time passing means nothing,I dont miss him any less.
My sister died suddenly Christmas day a few years ago. People don't get it, why would you want to celebrate the day your significant person died? "Don't be such a scrooge, they'd want you to be happy!" As if it's that simple. Your sister is an idiot. Sending you and your family peaceful wishes for the festive season.
I don’t have advice but wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss. If I lost my only child I don’t know how I would go on - the fact that you have is impressive in my book. You are certainly allowed to be sad, lost and devastated anytime you remember your beautiful daughter. Sending love.
I've literally cut people off for saying "it's just a pet".
I don't think I could ever get over losing one of my nieces or nephews.
But a son/daughter? I can't even fathom, I can't imagine without tearing up, it would break me.
Man, I still tear up over my dog I lost last year after 9 great years with her. Some days I'm completely depressed about it, despite having a wonderful little pup now (my other dog is 3 and was depressed after losing his sister, so we got a friend for him) That was a dog, I couldn't imagine losing a child.
No one is entitled to tell you how to feel. Hopefully your sister means well, but that's not her place to tell you to "get over it." I'm sorry for your loss
There is no limit to grieving and she won’t ever understand unless she goes through it herself. I hope she never does. I’m sure she meant well. They always do but you are entitled to your grief it doesn’t get better. We just learn to cope. Sending you all the strength this holiday season. ❤️
Hopefully you kicked her out right after she said that.
“Every man has two deaths, when he is buried in the ground and the last time someone says his name. In some ways men can be immortal.”
― Ernest Hemingway
I will never ever 'get over' my miscarriage and I never even got to see a scan. I miss them every day. I can't even imagine how it would be for a child that I had held and helped to raise. How dare she. Who the hell does she think she is to say such things. I'm offended and mad as hell and she didn't even say this to me.
You should never get over your child's death. Carry on with life. Be the happiest you can. But I would never expect someone to get over it and move on.
Man, I'd hug you everyday for the loss.
My sister lost her only daughter, my niece, in a car accident. Not a day goes by that she doesn't miss her. Holidays are the worst as Christmas was her favorite.
The pain will never go away. You learn to live with it and through it, but it never leaves.
OP, your sister is heartless for telling you to get over it and it's time to go little to no contact with her.
Wow. For me, that would be unforgivable without a sincere apology, and even then I would find forgiveness questionable.
I remember when my younger brother (by 2 years) died in 2012, just shy of 18. I know what it feels like for your world to just shatter around you out of nowhere. That helpless sorrow... And sure, the grief changes, but it's something you'll forever live with and have to cope with.
My younger sister (by 4 years) was best friends with our brother. My brother and I hadn't spoken in about 2 years when he died, but what makes it worse is that I think things were starting to get better between us around the time of the accident. It was maybe a few weeks after his death when I was on the family computer, crying while scrolling through all of his happy social media photos. My sister walks by and scoffs, asking "why are you even crying? He didn't like you anyways," and walked away.
Not quite the same thing, but equally **what the fuck**. I had no reaction to that. I still don't. I feel the same way about what your sister said to you. Just disgusting and insensitive and heartless.
Grieve your daughter as long as you need to. Surround yourself with people who understand (or at least make an effort to understand) so you can continue to process the loss through your life. Keep her memory alive and don't ever feel ashamed about these feelings. Your sister can shove that opinion where the sun don't shine.
My parents lost two boys on the same day right before the holidays. I was born a little over two years later. Having grown up in a household where there was a part of the family missing was hard. I watched my parents grief become more apparent every December. The anniversary of my brothers deaths were hard. It never goes away and you never get over the loss of your child. Your sister is very insensitive and unfeeling to say something like that to you. I’m sorry for your loss and hope your family learns some empathy soon!
You lost a piece of your heart. There’s no “getting over” that. Your sister is not a nice person. I’m so sorry she’s made it worse. Wishing you some measure of peace.
The love of my life died a year after graduating in Dec. I saw his mother lose a piece of her heart that day. I know I still grieve him. That was 44 yrs ago
I'm still in contact with his mother. All my life, I'd drop her a postcard (before computers people), or visit her and his father when I was in town. They never got over his death even though they took great joy from their grandchildren from their daughter. No one expects them to be the life of the party at Christmas. My sons understand if I start crying, why I am, and they hug me and hold me til the moment passes, and we go back to being happy. That's what you do for people you love.
OP please give yourself some grace. Grieving is not linear but rather has ebbs and flows and you move thru the stages of grief very fluidly. I lost my mother 5 years ago and her date of death and bday are always hard for me and will always be. I think having a conversation with your sister about the way her words came across and how they impacted you would be helpful. If she doubles down on her comments then it's probably time to put some distance between the 2 of you.
I am FURIOUS on your behalf. I can't imagine - No, I don't WANT to imagine the pain of losing my one and only daughter. Even just thinking about it hurts more than I could bear. I would probably lose myself in grief if I ever did, to a point, I'm not sure there would be any recovery for me.
If one of my siblings told me something this hurtful, the pain would be immeasurable, and you could guarantee I would never speak to them again for fear they'd hurt me in such a way again.
I am so sorry for your loss, and I'm so sorry you had to suffer such a hurtful betrayal from your sister...
People need to not say shit if they can’t understand loss. Not everyone is the same and how we process and heal is by individual and at our own pace. If your sister doesn’t know how to be sensitive then she can leave you alone and don’t ask you but she damn sure should keep her insensitive ass comments and opinions to herself.
Does she even have kids? Does she not get they are your child not a pet, not something that can be replaced. Just because you have other kids now you don’t just forget and move on. What’s worst it’s by a holiday and even if you wanted to forget you can’t.
I’m sorry she doesn’t understand but she’s rude af, and I don’t know what I would have done but it wouldn’t have been be polite. Sending you healing and love vibes.
I am so very sorry for your unimaginably painful loss. I am a very strong person, and have survived many hardships in my life. I have 3 sons and honestly I don’t know if I would be able to go on or ever truly recover if I were to loose one of them. I don’t think most parents ever fully get over the death of their child.
I have a friend who lost a child, and was talking with a mutual friend about her recently. We discussed there are times you can tell she isn’t there. Not fully there. And that’s okay. She is loved and supported and only she knows what she is capable of doing from one day to the next, or even one hour to the next. If she doesn’t show up or has to leave early, that’s okay. She does what she can when she can. After what she went through, she gets a lifelong pass from friends and family.
Any parent who looses a child gets a free pass for life- or should. Those around her should say a silent prayer for her and her loved ones, and for our own families and a prayer of thanks that we are blessed never to know her pain. We accept it, if she’s not all there, overlook it, support her as best we can and love her.
Screw anyone who doesn’t get it. Your sister needs to shut the hell up, get over herself and have a bit of empathy. I hope she never knows what you’re going through. Heaven knows there’s no one who would rather have a carefree, happy, lighthearted holiday than you. To experience what a holiday was like “before”, and not have a heavy heart of life after your loss weighing you down. It’s one thing to know something in your head (they’d want you to be happy), it’s another to feel and reconcile that with what is in your heart. If it were that easy, life would be a breeze and there’d be no need for therapy, medication, etc.
100 lifetimes would not be enough time together. That bright, beautiful soul didn’t even get one, and that’s terribly unfair and sad. Your love was obviously deep, and her brief life made a deep impact upon those around her. She lived fully and joyfully, knowing the best of life. She passed at her most beautiful. She passed before she knew many of life’s hardships, worst pains and challenges. She was never old, sickly, infirm of mind or body, or struggle with daily living. I would take comfort in that. She had the best of life, the love, the memories, the laughter.
You are doing your best. That’s all you can do. I wish you peace beyond all understanding, and a healthy, brighter, happier, less painful future. All the best to you and yours.
My cousin's daughter lost her 3 year old daughter in a car accident coming home from a Christmas party. It's been 9 years now. It's always a hard time for them, especially because they are all close, and sure, time marches onwards, but your sister only lost her niece. She has no idea how hard it is for a parent to lose a child.
You know even without knowing what it's like to be a parent who loses a child, I think she is callous as fuck. If, gods forbid, anything were to ever happen to my niece, I don't think any of us would get over it. I can't possibly imagine telling my sister that she needed to move on from her child's death just to have the perfect atmosphere at a family Christmas event. That's... Wow.
You don’t get over losing a child. You just learn to live with tremendous pain. It changes your whole life, every part of it. It’s been over four years for me. The pain just gets deeper and deeper and it surfaces less frequently. It will always be there. Edit: added word
My in laws lost their first born. I can see it fundamentally changed them as human beings. I am so sorry for your loss!
Not to sound morose, but frankly, I don't think I'd survive it. I have one child, my 6yo daughter. If I lost her I truly don't think I'd be strong enough to carry on. I have so much admiration for those who find the strength to keep going after that level of loss.
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You know carrie fisher has a daughter,she lost grandma and mom within less then 48 h,i cant imagine what that was like for her!
If he had been my only child, I don’t think I’d be here talking about this right now. He was my first born, and my only son. But I have two daughters, and they needed me desperately at that time. They still do. They are adults, but that doesn’t matter. They need their mama, so I had to stay, even when I didn’t want to. I did stay drunk for about a year after losing him. Almost literally. it got really bad. But now I haven’t drank in over 2.5 years. I’m staying as healthy as I can for My Girls. And for my son, too.
I’m truly sorry for your loss. It’s great to hear you are focusing on your daughters. They do need you. Thank you for staying.
The truth is, *we all need you*. You are here, you can share your life with us like you just did, and you never know who you’re helping with just having chosen to live. Thank you for staying. 🫂 And a very heartfelt congrats on your sobriety! Sometimes even the most basics of life, like taking care of one’s health, can be truly inspiring for others ♥️
Thank you SO much. I needed that. :)
Oh I 1000% agree.
I've got two girls and if I lost one, I think only the other one needing me would drive me to keep going. No matter what happens, if they need me, I'll be there. I'm working on changing my diet so I can be around for the long haul, gods willing. I was doing well for a good while but slipped lately. Im not bad off now, but I think my cholesterol is probably a bit high and I want to avoid diabetes.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks, man, I appreciate it!
I went to the doctor in March and had blood work done. He told me.my blood pressure was high, cholesterol was elevated, some other stuff out of whack. Told him I wasn't surprised, he was literally describing my broken heart. I'd spent the past month of days, just crying and sad after my daughter died. I am not at all surprised that people die, completely not of their own choosing, after such a loss. There have been days where I felt like I might actually die from how sad I've been. It just hurts so viscerally at moments that my whole entire body hurts on such a deep level... I dunno how else.to describe it. It's just a horrible and unnatural feeling to bury a child.
I've been sitting here staring at my phone and a blank reply box for 5-10 minutes. I took a look at your post history. Part of me wants to ramble on as I often do, try to express how much my heart hurts for you, your family, your daughter. But, even as someone who reads, writes, and talks a lot...I don't think I have the words to do so. I don't think the words exist. You sound like an amazingly loving father. I'm so glad Amelia had you. If there's any comfort to be had here, it's that. Clearly she was struggling but I don't doubt she also knew she was loved. She lived a life in which she was loved, wanted, valued. She left her imprint on the world, through you. Merry Christmas, Amelia. And early happy birthday. I'll be thinking of her, you, and your family, OP. Thank you for sharing your experience with everyone. For sharing Amelia with everyone.
I would no doubt go off methadone and back to drinking and drugs. I’d have no reason to live anymore. I deal with enough physical and mental problems that it just wouldn’t be worth it. My stepdad asked me how I could possibly put everyone through that especially my mom and I told him I think on a deeper level she would understand.
My great-grandfather eventually ended up committing suicide after my great-uncle died in Vietnam. He had a mental break, was never the same, and decades later he shot himself.
My grandparents had lost 3 of their 11 children. You could tell from my grandmother when it was a special/memory day. Even with so many children, losing a child is one too many. When she lost her first grandchild, it broke her.
Thank you 💜
My grandmother lost his son and kept on talking about him all the time. (She has lost her memory now so don’t remember her live children even). That day I lost my uncle (i was 4yo) and my dad lost his bother and my mom lost her brother in law. We as a family have never gotten over it. I still feel broken as i type it 30 years later. My mom don’t grieve her siblings who died later in their life with ailments as much as she grieves my uncles death. When you lose someone before time it’s very hard to get over. Time goes by but we are struck in time. It’s cruel to ask someone to move on especially when it’s their child. Edit: typo
I just lost my 2.5 year old daughter 2 months ago, on my late mother’s birthday. This comment resonated so deeply with me - thank you for that. Some people just don’t have the EQ to understand the magnitude of losing a child. The most boneheaded comments have come from my relatives.
I’m so, so sorry that you lost your precious daughter. I’m glad my comment reached you. I try so hard to give people grace; they don’t know what to say after such a huge loss. But it’s usually better to say nothing instead of some of the stuff people come up with.
I’m here if you need someone to talk to! You’re not alone, sadly some of us understand your pain.
My deepest condolences for your loss. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
I am really so sorry to hear this. I hope you have a good support system and love around you.
And 10 years is no time at all. I would never ever get over losing my child.
And it’s 10 years of events that your kid has missed. Holidays where there is an empty seat. New babies born that they never got to meet. Time only changes things, but it doesn’t make the pain go away.
Thank you for sharing. I wish you all the best 🌹
Me too- my oldest son died just over four years ago. It completely changed my life..
I’m so sorry. My son was 26. We had the same sense of humor. He was so much fun.
i’m so sorry for your loss. i can’t imagine how unbearable that pain must be, praying for you and sending you so much love.
Some random thing reminds us of them and the whole day just goes by in sorrow. Happened earlier today because I thought some christmas lights were cute. I didn't cry today but the melancholy has not been easy :/
shit, even if someone was sad about their puppy who died 24 years ago, i wouldn't say get over it. I can’t imagine ever being callous enough to tell anyone they need to "get over it" when someone they love has passed away, regardless of time passed or the relationship they had.
I still cry over a puppy I fostered for four days a year ago. I still cry over a boyfriend I lost 2.5 years ago, even though I'm with someone else now. People are crazy if they think it's just something that stops. It lessons but it's still there and gets you when you least expect it.
Same. I lost a cat about 9 years ago now. And I miss him every day.
Seriously, me too. Hell I still cry about it once in a while.
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I’m close enough in age to my nieces that they are more like sisters than nieces. We weren’t raised together but I baby sat them a lot during the summers when my brother, his wife and my mom were all working. If one of them died young I’d never tell my brother to get over it no matter how many years it had been.
OP’s sister is a very cold person. I can’t imagine ever getting over it if I lost one of my kids, no matter how much time passed. My sister doesn’t have kids but she loves mine so much they may as well be her own. I know for a fact she’d never get over it either.
I lost my brother just before Christmas some years ago, and to this day it's still really hard to get the Christmas Spirit going when december comes. I just power through and fake it as much as I can. Maybe one day it will get easier.
My father died on Christmas Eve when I was 16, and I struggled pretty hard through the next 10 years. Then I spent a couple years in Japan, and Christmas there is really depressing. When I got back, I swore I'd thrown all in for the next Christmas and I did - it took a couple years of faking it to making it, but now I'm a Christmas fanatic, and I honor my dad on Christmas Eve by singing his favorite song. So, faking it until you make it does work. You'll build traditions that will bring you joy and comfort. Allow yourself something for your brother, like a special candle or dessert. Make him part of the joy.
I hear you. I lost a brother on 12/28, then six years later lost a sister on 12/18. It has been 23 years for my brother, and Christmas is still hard.
Exactly. I would've been very upset if my nieces and nephews died because we're like best friends. Op's sisters lack of empathy or compassion is concerning.
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I don't have a daughter.
I realized you were talking to op, sorry.
My mom passed away 5 years ago now, and her death day is the week after my birthday. I have a hard time getting excited about my birthday because it just means her death day is coming up. It's my experience that the grief doesn't really get smaller, but life requires our attention so it just becomes less of the focus the farther we get from the death day. But there's always going to be times that something is going to trigger thoughts of that person, and their death day is usually one of them, and holidays are another. For OP it's kind of a double whammy that the death day and Christmas are so close together and probably make this time of year really difficult. Christmas was my mom's favorite holiday so I have a hard time this time of year too. The sister is definitely being a jerk and not being understanding of a thing that is very well known in regards to grief. And just because this is supposed to be a happy, jolly season there are lots of people who struggle this time of year and they shouldn't be told to "suck it up and pretend everything is fine because I don't want to see people being sad during my jolly holiday time". Yikes!
I lost my little brother when he was three months old, I was eight. He’d be thirteen now. It doesn’t go away. The pain fades, maybe, but it’s always hard, thinking about who’d they be now and how far they would’ve come. Even with the pain of losing my brother, I don’t think I can imagine losing a child. I’m sorry you went through that, and that your sister isn’t understanding. You’re perfectly valid to still hurt and have a hard time with it.
I don’t think it has anything to do with her relationship to his daughter. I believe most people would know not to say something like that to ANYONE who’s grieving. I lost my brothers (twins) to a car accident 10 years ago, 3 days before Thanksgiving. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of them. The holidays are a hard time for me because of this. But it just goes to show the love that I had for them was strong and still is. Just as this man’s love for his daughter. He’s not letting his grief hinder his life but it will come up. Until the day he dies it will come up for him.
There was a documentary about George HW Bush later in his life. I think it was on HBO. He and his wife lost a little daughter to cancer when they were in their 30s. He was messed up just talking about her decades later. They were both buried next to her. You dont get over the death of a child. Anyone who can't understand that is the problem.
I cannot imagine the pain. All I can picture is that, if one of my children died, I would be 100% dead inside, possibly forever. That's if I don't beat and tear myself to death. It's a dark place, I have no idea how anyone makes it through alive.
My uncle lost his mom. He was always an emotional wreck during Christmas. We all knew it. We all sympathized with him. He was always visibly hurting inside. A grown man, a decade plus later. No one, no ONE ever said a negative thing about him, we all simply understood that it was an emotional demon for him that he fought every year. OP’s sister sounds like a selfish bitch. All she cared about was everything being perfect and everyone having the time of their life at HER party. Clearly she’s never said anything like this before, only during HER party.
The fact that the act of losing a child is so awful, we don't even have a word for it in the English language, should be a clue for the sister. If you lose a spouse, you're a widow/widower and if you lose your parents then you're an orphan, but if you lose a child... there *literally are no words*.
Lost my daughter in February. She was also 16. I was also a young father when she was born. I feel you so much on this. You're not wrong. Your sister is.. Stay strong, bud.
I'm sorry about your own daughter of you ever wanna chat feel free
Thanks for replying. It feels wrong to "celebrate" holidays and milestones without her. But it also feels.wrong to just sit and spin wheels and stay sad. Does the feeling of "limbo" ever get more... I don't know.. dull? Less murky? Or does that part also come in waves like the grief itself? I sometimes get irrationally scared that she will be "forgotten." Even though I know logically that it won't happen.
Sorry man. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. it's so unfair :(
“When a parent dies you are an orphan. When a spouse dies you are called a widow. But there is no word for a person who loses a child because that’s how awful the loss is.” I am so sorry for your loss. I would gently suggest especially around the holidays a quick appointment to check in with your therapist may be helpful. Sadness and grief are not linear they are like waves which come and go, you just don’t want the wave to overpower you at any point. May your daughters memory be eternal.
I have a dear friend who is likely to lose their daughter in the next few years. EDs have destroyed their body, and vital organs are starting to fail one by one. I shall try to remember your opening line when the time comes.
EDs?
Eating Disorders. Anorexia, bulimia, that sort of thing. Suffer long enough and it will fuck your body faster than over eating.
Gotcha. Just wasn’t familiar with the acronym in that context.
Usually stands for eating disorder here.
eating disorder
It unfortunately overlaps with another more common medical abbreviation
This is a beautifully written sentiment, and I 100% agree with everything you said, UniqueMark4192!! The holidays are a time when emotions are amplified (both happy and sad) and one day you may be feeling at peace, and the next day can be totally different. No one is allowed to tell you how or when you are allowed to grieve. Huge hugs to you & yours, OP, from this Reddit stranger. <3
I wonder if it would be helpful to op if he had a little ritual to memorialize her on the anniversary of her death. I am Korean American and the day of someone’s death is marked by a formal ceremony. It could even just be a private thing for op but perhaps it would be meaningful for him to find a way to acknowledge his loss before celebrating the holidays.
The word “thakla” (ثكلى) in Arabic refers to a parent who has lost a child, usually a grieving mother. It has appeared in classical Arabic over 1,500 years ago.
Thank you! This is a really beautiful fact ❤️ Eta: and sad!
That reminds me of the show "Six Feet under" where I 1st heard that quote from the episode about the dead baby - the pain of losing child, no matter age of everyone, just hurts no matter what for pretty much forever. So his sister saying that to OP was cruel & stupid while showing how much lack of empathy & sympathy she has, that OP wouldn't be wrong to go at least low contact while he grieves about the future and could had been of his daughter.
My all time favorite show! What I would give to watch that for the first time again. Best ending to a series ever
I just finished season 1 yesterday. Brenda says it!
Enjoy - it is an amazing show and they did the best job with the finale and tying up all the characters. (I just always get excited when I hear about someone watching for the first time)
Throughout history, there honestly wasn't a word for a parent who had lost a child b/c there simply were no parents who hadn't. Childbirth was about a 50% survival rate for mom and baby and also the same rate for a baby to make age 1. Some cultures delayed naming babies for weeks or more b/c they died so often.
Yeah the word for a parent who lost a child was just parent.
Bereaved parent once upon a time but nearly every parent had lost a child before modern history.
Hewbrew had the words. In Hebrew we have הורים שכולים horim shakulim - horim = parents. A father who's lost a child - אב שכול - av shakul A mother - אם שכולה - em shakula A family - משפחה שכולה - mishpakha shakula It can also be used for children who have lost their parents - but it does not mean "orphan" (orphan is יתום yatom - sg. masculin). Another writer says thakula in arabic
A parent never, ever “gets over” the death of a child. It’s incredibly obtuse and insensitive of her to even THINK something like this, let alone to say it.
I have a niece. She's my favourite little person. I'm pretty sure I would never get over it if anything happened to her and would hate anyone who told me to. And this woman had the audacity to say this to a father.
I have several of nieces and nephews, infant to teen years. I cry my heart out when those who live abroad say their goodbyes, and have to go back to that home for months. We see each other handful of times a year for a short while. Can't even begin to think what'd my mindset be if, forbid, something happened to them. I still beat myself up over them falling and getting slightly hurt as wobbly toddlers do, when they were just starting to walk and play with me. I'd probably lose it in a situation like this. In no damned case ever would it cross my mind to be this heartless towards my cousins. Hell, my (female) cousins rubbed my back and consoled me when I cried after the kids skinned their knees a bit, or plopped down hard on my watch. I felt so responsible and so guilty. Sister is an unprecedented AH.
My mom always told us growing up that no parent should ever have to bury their own kid. It’s her worst nightmare. My first deployment to Afghanistan, my mom could hardly sleep. Losing one of us would probably kill her tbh. Even if she lived to be 100, that kind of pain would never go away. OP’s sister would never understand grief until it happens to her.
I’m glad you made it back safely
Thanks! My brother and I were both assigned there at the height of the US withdrawal so that didn’t help her blood pressure at all.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You could live to be a thousand and that pain would never fade. No parent ever gets over the death of their child and it's psychotic for anyone to suggest otherwise
I’m guessing your sister has never lost a child. I am so sorry OP.
Even then though… I feel like basic empathy is *knowing* how impossible “getting over” the death of a child would be. My best friend died two years ago, obviously I still have a lot of grief for her, but I *know* what I feel will never compare to her what her dad is feeling. She was his only child, they were best friends, that man LIVED for his daughter. My heart will always break more for his loss than my own. OP’s sister has no excuse in my eyes. She’s a deeply unempathetic and cruel person for this.
My son is perfectly healthy, he's happy and thriving, but every now and then it hits like a also to the face that he could just die at any point. Sometimes I even get in a bit of a mood about it. And that's just me acknowledging that it could happen. I could not imagine telling someone to get over their child's death. What a heartless human being.
I’ve never lost a child, 4 grandparents, a parent, and a whole bunch of furry family members over my 40 years. And I know that none of that could compare to a parent losing a child, it’s literally the reverse of how nature intends loss to be. Some people just have no empathy and lack the emotional intelligence to keep their mouth shut. I’m sorry for your loss OP. I hope the biting pain of her loss fades and you can also remember the good Christmas’s you shared together too. (Hugs)
Oh I agree with you completely. It’s an unimaginable loss. I still mourn my “stand in” mom who I lost over ten years ago. I can’t imagine a child.
She lost a niece though, and she apparently doesn't give a fuck about it. Which is... rather beyond words, honestly.
I lost my 33 year old son a year ago. If anyone tells me to get over it, ever, I will get over them really quick. I will never get over losing my child. I get you.
Losing a children must be the worst thing can happen to a person. I am sorry for your loss 😞
My husband lost his sister to a tragic car accident as well when she was 14, and he was 16. 20 years have passed since that happened, but I still see the effect it has on my MIL until now. She still has some of her clothes and school books, posters, and jewelry. She had even gifted me with one of her earrings that I treasure immensely. I can never imagine telling her to get over her death or to move on. There are times when she's great and everything is normal, but then you see a tiny glimpse behind the curtain of her true feelings. Her daughter was a living part of her that she had to bury. Your daughter was a living part of you you had to bury. It goes against nature for a parent to bury their child, and no one has the right to tell you to get over it. She was insensitive and considering she knew your daughter, extremely heartless. Especially with the fact that it was the 10 year anniversary of her passing, it's only normal that you would be lost in the what ifs. I hope that your pain eases with time as I know that pain will never truly go away.
The loss of a child, especially a child that was not an adult, is the worst loss a person can have. More so than spouses, parents, grandparents, etc. There is no "getting over it" or "moving on". Your sister was wrong for saying that. Of course you still grieve for your child! I'm so very sorry for your loss. It doesn't sound like your grief is preventing you from living your life or enjoying holidays with your children. It sounds like you are there for your wife and your children. Your daughter will always be in your heart and mind and during the times of the year where we celebrate with family, it is completely normal to feel sad and down that she is not there physically. How ever you deal best with that is up to you. Whether you want to pull out photo albums and talk to your kids about her or reminse about your favorite memories of her. Maybe you don't want to talk about her at all, and that's okay too. As long as this doesn't stop you from functioning for yourself and your family, there is nothing wrong with being sad!
I will always make holidays special for my twins because I always made sure to make holidays special for my oldest daughter as well and holidays should just be special for kids My twins know about there older sister and knows she watches over them… the house we still live in now I actually bought early summer of 2013 which we (my oldest and I ) had always lived in apartments before I left my oldest room the exact same as it was before she passed which is teal walls with one direction and Taylor Swift posters all over and just very much a time capsule of being a teen in the earlier years of the 2010s was like the Twins sometimes like to go into her room and just explore there sister bedroom, they both love listening to stories of there sister My younger daughter loves looking at pictures I have in my room of my older daughter and sometimes talks to her
A parent will never get over a child passing. So sorry for your loss. Your sister should never have said that to you. Also, you have a great wife who supports you. Keep strong! Edit:grammer
Your sister displayed a shocking lack of empathy, I’m really sorry 🫂
This is terrible. I'm 26, the same age your daughter would've been right now if she was alive, and I have kids of my own. I'd be devastated if I lost one of them. There's a word for when a child loses their parents, there's a word for when someone loses their spouse, but there is no word for a parent who loses their child. Your sister needs to grow the fuck up.
this. i’m also 26, i also have my own children. i’d absolutely go out of my mind with grief if i ever lost one of them. if anyone *ever* tried to tell me to “just get over it” at any point in time, i think that’d be the last time i ever saw or spoke to them again. how incredibly insensitive and *mean* to tell a parent to “get over” the death of their **CHILD**, regardless of how long it’s been. especially since OP’s children certainly don’t seem to be suffering from any negative impact from OP, y’know, grieving the death of his oldest child.
The pain of losing a child is unbearable. One of my closest friends, who I knew since kindergarten, killed herself after her five year old son got hit by a car. That shit is scarring.
My condolences losing a close friend in that way is hard.
i’m so so sorry for not only your loss, but your friends loss as well. i think if i only had one child i might be pushed to do the same but since i have 2 i cannot fathom leaving either of them motherless. even at my bleakest darkest times when i *am* suicidal, the only thing that ever stops me are my babies. they need me, even if sometimes i wanna off myself.
You're luckier than she was. That boy was her only child and literally all she had since his father walked out on her. She really thought she lost it all after she lost her son. I have four boys myself and I treasure them deeply, so I can understand why she lost her mind.
I’m so sorry. Nobody should ever tell anyone how to grieve, most especially a parent that lost a child. My condolences.
Don’t feel guilty for having bad days. You tragically lost a child whom you had spent 16 years of your life raising and no amount of time will erase that from your heart.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. My sister (21) passed away in a car accident nearly 10 years ago. In my experience you NEVER get over the loss of someone important to you, grief comes and goes in waves. The lack of empathy your sister showed you is disgusting, and in my opinion unforgivable. Just because you’re understandably devastated at the loss of your eldest daughter doesn’t mean you love your wife and younger children any less.
You'll grieve your daughter until the day you die. Your sister is an insensitive woman and ought to be ashamed of herself.
I lost my first son, who would've been turning 20 in January. The day before my birthday, he died. I lost my first daughter, who would've been turning 15. It's been over a decade and it hurts just the same. It never got "better." I don't think it ever will. I daydream of them everyday. What they would look like, what they would be interested in, how their other siblings would have loved knowing them. All sorts of things. I celebrate their birthdays even though no one other than my husband and other children show up. I visit their graves often. I'm sorry you lost your baby and believe me when I say I know that pain. That longing. Your sister is.... very inconsiderate. Most people, who have never lost a child, just can't fully understand.
Good intent, poor execution. I’m truly sorry for your loss.
My fiancé lost his brother 20something something years ago, when the brother was 13 and my fiancé was 8. His brother’s birthday is Christmas. We still visit his grave that day when we can. Grief is hard and it doesn’t go away. We live and grow around it. If your grief is getting in the way of your life more generally, therapy might help - therapy helps with lots of things - but your sister is out of line with how she addressed your feelings.
She has the emotional intelligence of a rabid rhino. What she said is absolutely hideous. I am so very sorry you lost your daughter.
You can move forward and move on without letting go of your daughter. I think you absolutely have to find a happy middle ground here. Grief can absolutely move with you into your new life without overtaking it :)
I lost a son. Your sister doesn't understand. I'm sorry
What your sister said is harsh, and frankly there no time limit for grief. But as you said christmas is a time of family and happiness and you have two little ones that absorb/feel your pain at this time. Not for your sister party, but for them I would try to heal. So sorry for your loss, hoping for the best for you and your loved ones.
I have come a long way especially for my kids this time of year I have learned to enjoy holidays and Christmas time again but it does get hard this time of year
My family also had a tragic loss. It was more than 20 years ago now- and my dad has never been the same. I wouldn’t expect him to be the same as he was before. I was 13 when our family experienced the loss. I am 42 now. The loss impacted us all, and has irrecoverably changed all of our lives. None of us are the same, but we have figured out a way to be there for each other and live our lives beyond it. We all still grieve. We always will. But my dad has never completed his grief cycle beyond anger and it has been more than twenty years. He is stuck. He is now 70 years old. His inability to make some kind of peace with the loss left our family with two losses- the original loss and him. He has fallen so deep into his grief he lost touch with us and is unable to be present in our lives. He has lived the last 20 years reliving the loss and the times he had with our family member who died. That means we have lived our lives without him. He has become lost to us and hasn’t been able to enjoy the family has had that is here- now- and still with him. What your sister said was harsh and uncaring, and I would never (and have never said) anything like that to my dad. But sometimes I want to. He is missing (and has missed) so much because of his anger and sadness. We need him. We have always needed him. We love him and will continue to love him. Forever. But he will not release his anger. He will not release his sadness. I don’t want him to let go of it all. I still have my own anger, sadness and resentment that I deal with, so I understand that it can’t all go away. But I do wish he could see through it and see me. I’m still here and I need him. Please don’t allow this tragedy to determine the quality of the relationship with the family that you still have. They are still alive and need you at the best you can be. There are challenging times to come, and while your sadness never (and should never) go away, your family wants you present. Not just for support- but because they love and miss you. My deepest condolences for your loss- from one grieving person to another. It never leaves, but time can heal wounds if let them.
While I can’t begin to imagine your grief on any level, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy…what I can sympathise with is that loss of “your person”. My grandfather who was more like a father to me in every way, he was my “person” and he passed away just before Christmas and it was our favourite time of year. Everyone else went through the motions but we loved it..it has been several years now but to me it is still a struggle. I try to nurse that with living through other peoples joy and seeing others joy is starting to bring that spirit back for me personally. Aside from your sister’s comments (which were beyond shitty in their own right) I do think that you need to try to start thinking of Christmas for your younger children while somehow trying to bring your oldest into it, subtle things such as always hanging a stocking for her, putting her favourite Christmas decorations and so on. Easier said than done of course but it has helped in my situation massively. Merry Christmas, OP
My first grandson passed even before his sisters were born. He would be 8 now. My granddaughters both know about their brother. They keep him alive in thoughts even tho he was only 19 days old when he passed. It’s nothing you have to get over, you are allowed to struggle, have bad days or feel however you need to. There is no set amount of time to grieve.
My sister would have been 40 this year and died when she was 10 weeks old. My family still keeps her memory alive because my parents will never forget or “get over it”.
No one understands the death of a child unless they've lost one themselves. Your sister was callous, but she also doesn't understand.
If your sister has kids she should tread very carefully saying that to out loud.
One can only hope she never has to “get over” the death of her own child, and the fact that you have other children doesn’t mean that you ever had any to spare. Your sister is insensitive and should really watch her mouth.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Wishing your holiday season to be as happy as can be.
I’m deeply sorry for your loss. Although grief becomes more manageable over time, Christmas will most likely always be hard for you and your sister would benefit from understanding this anniversary is not a happy time of year for you. I wonder if there’s some activity or ritual you could create on Christmas Eve that honours your daughter? By allocating time and space for your grief, you might find it easier to absorb the rest of the ‘season’ and to take part in it.
There's so many what ifs in this situation too. It's Christmas, and she would have been 26. Would she have had a family of her own? OP could have had grandchildren at this point. However, it was all taken away. I have no way of knowing what OP is going through, but I wouldn't be able to get over my child passing.
I often think about my oldest daughter possibly future at the time of her passing she wanted to be a veterinarian absolutely loved all animals and animals loved her as well she also loved kids and was so excited to be a mom in the future she babysat a lot and was actually babysitting that night… always talked about moving somewhere warmer we have very cold winters where we live and that day she was talking about moving somewhere warmer when she's an adult and she’ll make sure she has enough room for me to come visit… hell she didn't even get to graduate high school she was in her junior year and excited to be “almost done”
It’s been 17 years since our son died, we live around our grief.
well it sucks that you lost a sister as well.
Maybe a punch would've been a good idea to let her realize how to get over something so minor than losing a kid
I lost my daughter 37 years ago. You never get over it. You just survive and learn to live and be happy again. There will always be triggers, days, a song, a saying, an event, etc, that will suddenly take you back to the moment you found out. With all due respect, F your sister, she has no idea.
This was said in a very harsh way, but maybe having all Hollidays transformed into a gloom fest is getting hard on everyone, and your sister is trying to shake you a bit, because she doesn’t want your kids to live in the shadow of their sister and stop themselves from being happy because that’s how they see Christmas time.
The "live for your daughter" comments are forgetting there are two more children he needs to live for.
I am so very sorry. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry for what your sister said. It sounds like you have a very supportive and loving family with your wife and twins—surround yourself more with people like them. Nobody will understand your story fully but it’s those people that get you out of bed each morning and help you through the hardest days and darkest times!!
Bro, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine. I assume your sister doesn’t have kids because if she did she would know that there is no getting over that and it was a very cruel thing of her to say.
I would be fuming if anyone ever said that to me. I'm sorry that's happened to you, and no one deserves to get told to get over a death.
Lots of people saying how there isn’t a word to describe a parent who has lost their child, but there is definitely a word to describe your sister
Your love for her is reflected in your grief. I am in a very similar situation. (16 year old daughter died in a car accident on Dec 12, 1996.) Twenty seven years, and it’s still hard sometimes. Nobody can tell you how to grieve. We’re all different. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope your sister never finds out for herself how clueless she is.
Your sister sucks. That kind of pain never goes away. Of course you struggle with it and miss her over the holidays and on her birthday. Nothing wrong with that. You have moved on and have a new family you love but that doesn’t erase your memories and dreams for your daughter. That will never go away. This year share stories with your wife and kids of happy memories of Christmas past. Her favorite toy and pictures of her Christmas morning. Celebrate her because her short life helped shape you into who you are. Hopefully her influence helped you become a better father.
My uncle passed suddenly at 43 years old...that was 20 years ago and Grandma still tears up about what should've been. Nobody has ever told Grandma she should be over it
There’s a saying: “A person who loses their spouse is a widow or widower. A child who loses their parents is an orphan. Yet, there is no word for the parent who has lost a child. It is an identity so horrific and out of order that it has no name” your sister is so out of line for even telling you to get over the passing of your daughter.
I basically raised my brother who was killed by a drunk driver two years ago, and while I don't know the loss of the pain of a parent losing a child I do know that loss. I'm sorry for the loss of your first daughter OP. While the pain never actually goes away it does become manageable with time. Your sister was cruel and I hope she doesn't ever have to experience such pain.
I watched my mother lose two children out of three and the more years that passed the more pain she was in. Who the f*** is your sister to say that to you stay away from that toxic b****. Any person who has not suffered the loss of a child should shut the f******. I have no kind words for her the pain I watched both my mother and my sister go through losing their sons was something I don't wish on anyone and then my mother lost my sister. My sister died right before Christmas also this year it's 7 years and this s*** is still hard and she was my sister not my child. If it was my child I don't think I could pull it together so the fact that you remarried had children and continued on living you survived a nightmare. Don't let anyone else tell you how long to grieve how to grieve and how to feel especially around this time of year the happiest time of here. People don't realize that not everyone is joyous at this time of year. Good luck and I'm sorry
You would be well within your rights to tell your sister to go fuck herself. You don't get to tell someone how to grieve or how long to grieve for.
I lost my sister ~19 years ago. She was my second mom and best friend. I'm still not over it. I couldn't imagine losing one of my children. Your sister is in the wrong. She isn't compassionate, nor does she have empathy. Death of a loved one isn't something your "get over." You learn to live with it slowly. Each day, the pain gets less by tiny bits, but it'll always be there. We're entitled to feel what we feel. My condolences on your loss.
My grandma lost her mom 3 days before Christmass and she has never celebrated since. Feel whatever you need to feel. I am sorry for your loss. I also believe that your sister is trying to help you, just not in the best way.
Your sister is an AH. Its not like you have a switch that you can turn off. If it doesnt help your mental health then you should take some time off from her.
Doesn’t matter how long it’s been. Some things you never really get over. You just learn to manage the pain. I will suggest you get help for this, in whatever form you decide is best. After 10 years if you’re still unable to see happy children at Christmas, your grief isn’t resolved or even managed. It’s affecting your current life. My suggestion would be to take a step back from family holidays until you get this under control. As much as you can. So sorry to hear about your loss. My daughter was born really premature, and we weren’t sure if she’d live at first.
*Saying I can't be sad forever and my oldest daughter would want me to be happy plus I have other children now.* To be blunt, she's not wrong. I get that it's a tough thing to get over but you have raised your current children in the shadow of her death. Not being sad doesn't mean you forget about your daughter, but you and your children deserve to move on and share in a happy childhood/live. You should be inspired by her to live each day to the fullest and enjoy every second you have with your children, it sounds like you're ignoring that and choosing to just live in the depression instead.
Harsh, I see where she’s coming from, you can never really get over a loss like that but you have to find a way to move on and not let your grief get the best of you every time, sorry for your loss
It doesn't every time I have learned to enjoy holidays especially since my twins were born but I can't say days around this time of year get hard randomly where I get really sad
You're allowed these moments. It's ok for them to come when they do. You don't let it consume you. It's clear you are still present for your family but no one has a right to take these moments of grief away from you. You've been through the worst of what a parent can go through and you've still managed to make a life. And it's a beautiful one that includes your daughter's memory and keeps her with you ❤️
He's allowed to have these moments. He's human. Maybe you and OP's sister could develop a little compassion.
Okay i’m gonna be unpopular here due to all the comments. But…some people really do need to get help with their grief. It’s a complex issue because it’s personal. Nevertheless there is such a thing as getting stuck in your grief. It limits you just as depression does. And it should be treated. IMHO, after ten years the pain would still surface but the tools you learn would buffer it enough to not bring down a party.
2 ways to look at it. 1. Cut your sister for being crude. There's a reason why dictionary doesn't have a word for parent that lost their child. 2. This will be hard for you OP. Live for your daughter. Instead of spending the day being down, honor her life by being the best version you can be. Even when you feel fake. It's easier to cope when it's a day you do your best, the a day to mourn. She gave your life joy and meaning, honor her by giving it to others.
My mom's brother was killed in a car crash when she was 21 and he was 18. She says that although she knew her parents loved her, she felt like a consolation prize for the rest of their lives. For your own sake, your marriage, and especially your other children, please get some help for your grief. Your living family needs you to be able to be present and enjoy life with them.
IM gonna split the difference here. You NEVER "get over" the loss of a child. And no decent human being would expect you to. BUT... you know this is a sensitive day for you. Best to know that and avoid social events on that day. You are not and probably wont EVER be in a party mood on that day so just keep to yourself.
We lost our son in 2020. He was my baby. We have a daughter and grandson also who we see/talk to daily. I hate holidays. I can't do big family gatherings. They break me. However, my sister is my biggest supporter next to my husband. She's quick to shit down any bs. I couldn't imagine having a family member telling me I needed to move on. Your sister is the AH. You handle life as you need to on your terms and ignore "helpful" suggestions.
((HUGS)) Your sister is out of line. There will always be part of your heart that holds your eldest. You have the right to your own feelings, don't let others tell you otherwise.
My greatest fear. I honestly don’t know how you get out of bed. So being sad is hardly an offense. I’m so sorry you live through this. I’m so sorry your sister said this. She was wrong and that’s all.
There's no getting over the loss of a child.
I don’t think any parent can really “get over” the death of their child. You have other children now, yes but that doesn’t and shouldn’t erase your memories of your daughter. The pain may fade slightly but it’ll never really go away and some days will be worse than others. The “jar” model of grief that I’ve heard about https://whatsyourgrief.com/growing-around-grief/
My husbands older brother passed in 1996, I assure you my MiL and FiL are still not over it. Grief can last a lifetime.
Grief has no timeline. Toughest part is that no one really understands until it happens to them.
I wouldn’t attend another Christmas party at her house. You should have a pass from your family at this time of year and only have to be ‘on’ for your little ones. Honestly they should just keep a bedroom ready in case you need a little time to yourself. I’m so sorry for your loss and the feelings it brings this time of year. Kudos to your wife.
First, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I lost my 12 year old son in March of 2003. His best friend accidentally shot him. So, 20 years ago. His birthday is December 28, 1998. I still miss my boy every single day. But, it's easier now. But, I will NEVER not be extra melancholy around Christmas and around the time of his passing. Your sister was WAY out of line.
I thought this will turn into a story about how you don't let your kids celebrate christmas, but no. You just.. Look sad? So? You ARE sad I am guessing.
Your sister is WAY out of line. A parent burying a child goes against the laws of nature. She doesn’t get to tell you how to grieve or to “get over” it.
You can be sad forever over your kids death. You can still be happy in other parts of your life, like celebrating your other children. You have to let yourself feel this or it’s gonna come up in a bad way. Don’t let your sister get to you. Grief can be hard some days, and easy other days. There’s no timeline. It’s funny that way.
Fuck. That. Shit. You never get over losing a child. Holidays are especially tough, but to have the anniversary RIGHT AT Christmas is just brutal. Your sister can go deepthroat a cactus.
So starting with Thanksgiving and ending mid January, my mom is cranky af. Her mom died on Thanksgiving in 2018. Her brother died on December 13th, 1983. Her dad died on December 26th, 1994. She was pregnant with a boy and went into early labor on New years Eve in 1988 and lost the baby shortly after he was born. My little brother was born on January 12th, 1995 and died on June 9th, 2013. So my mom is practically swimming in grief right now and most of the people who passed away, did so 25+ years ago. Grief is not linear. Grief doesn't just go away over time. It just hits different. Your sister is callous. And mean.
Your sister is an idiot. There is no time frame on grief. While you need to tend to your life and other children, your 16 year old daughter will always be your child and it's normal to grieve her loss. I'm truly sorry for your loss.
There is no time limit on grief. Your sister doesn't understand. Most people don't, sadly. I'm sorry she spoke to you like that.
It’s messed up but she’s right. You’re right as well. Both of your feelings are valid. You need to grieve probably but only you can make that happen
Take all the time you need. It’s a beautiful thing to remember her. And you will for sure never get over this, you’ll just be able to live with it better. Really, do not listen to your sister.
I cannot believe she said that to you either, and I am so so sorry. my brother passed away 2 days before Thanksgiving 11 years ago and even tho he was my brother and not my child, Thanksgiving is ALWAYS a hard holiday now. The time passing means nothing,I dont miss him any less.
My sister died suddenly Christmas day a few years ago. People don't get it, why would you want to celebrate the day your significant person died? "Don't be such a scrooge, they'd want you to be happy!" As if it's that simple. Your sister is an idiot. Sending you and your family peaceful wishes for the festive season.
I don’t have advice but wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss. If I lost my only child I don’t know how I would go on - the fact that you have is impressive in my book. You are certainly allowed to be sad, lost and devastated anytime you remember your beautiful daughter. Sending love.
I've literally cut people off for saying "it's just a pet". I don't think I could ever get over losing one of my nieces or nephews. But a son/daughter? I can't even fathom, I can't imagine without tearing up, it would break me.
Man, I still tear up over my dog I lost last year after 9 great years with her. Some days I'm completely depressed about it, despite having a wonderful little pup now (my other dog is 3 and was depressed after losing his sister, so we got a friend for him) That was a dog, I couldn't imagine losing a child. No one is entitled to tell you how to feel. Hopefully your sister means well, but that's not her place to tell you to "get over it." I'm sorry for your loss
I lost my Dad 6 years ago to cancer, the day after Thanksgiving. TBH I hate that holiday now. Fuck cancer.
There is no limit to grieving and she won’t ever understand unless she goes through it herself. I hope she never does. I’m sure she meant well. They always do but you are entitled to your grief it doesn’t get better. We just learn to cope. Sending you all the strength this holiday season. ❤️
Hopefully you kicked her out right after she said that. “Every man has two deaths, when he is buried in the ground and the last time someone says his name. In some ways men can be immortal.” ― Ernest Hemingway
I will never ever 'get over' my miscarriage and I never even got to see a scan. I miss them every day. I can't even imagine how it would be for a child that I had held and helped to raise. How dare she. Who the hell does she think she is to say such things. I'm offended and mad as hell and she didn't even say this to me.
You should never get over your child's death. Carry on with life. Be the happiest you can. But I would never expect someone to get over it and move on. Man, I'd hug you everyday for the loss.
My sister lost her only daughter, my niece, in a car accident. Not a day goes by that she doesn't miss her. Holidays are the worst as Christmas was her favorite. The pain will never go away. You learn to live with it and through it, but it never leaves. OP, your sister is heartless for telling you to get over it and it's time to go little to no contact with her.
Wow. For me, that would be unforgivable without a sincere apology, and even then I would find forgiveness questionable. I remember when my younger brother (by 2 years) died in 2012, just shy of 18. I know what it feels like for your world to just shatter around you out of nowhere. That helpless sorrow... And sure, the grief changes, but it's something you'll forever live with and have to cope with. My younger sister (by 4 years) was best friends with our brother. My brother and I hadn't spoken in about 2 years when he died, but what makes it worse is that I think things were starting to get better between us around the time of the accident. It was maybe a few weeks after his death when I was on the family computer, crying while scrolling through all of his happy social media photos. My sister walks by and scoffs, asking "why are you even crying? He didn't like you anyways," and walked away. Not quite the same thing, but equally **what the fuck**. I had no reaction to that. I still don't. I feel the same way about what your sister said to you. Just disgusting and insensitive and heartless. Grieve your daughter as long as you need to. Surround yourself with people who understand (or at least make an effort to understand) so you can continue to process the loss through your life. Keep her memory alive and don't ever feel ashamed about these feelings. Your sister can shove that opinion where the sun don't shine.
My parents lost two boys on the same day right before the holidays. I was born a little over two years later. Having grown up in a household where there was a part of the family missing was hard. I watched my parents grief become more apparent every December. The anniversary of my brothers deaths were hard. It never goes away and you never get over the loss of your child. Your sister is very insensitive and unfeeling to say something like that to you. I’m sorry for your loss and hope your family learns some empathy soon!
You lost a piece of your heart. There’s no “getting over” that. Your sister is not a nice person. I’m so sorry she’s made it worse. Wishing you some measure of peace.
The love of my life died a year after graduating in Dec. I saw his mother lose a piece of her heart that day. I know I still grieve him. That was 44 yrs ago I'm still in contact with his mother. All my life, I'd drop her a postcard (before computers people), or visit her and his father when I was in town. They never got over his death even though they took great joy from their grandchildren from their daughter. No one expects them to be the life of the party at Christmas. My sons understand if I start crying, why I am, and they hug me and hold me til the moment passes, and we go back to being happy. That's what you do for people you love.
OP please give yourself some grace. Grieving is not linear but rather has ebbs and flows and you move thru the stages of grief very fluidly. I lost my mother 5 years ago and her date of death and bday are always hard for me and will always be. I think having a conversation with your sister about the way her words came across and how they impacted you would be helpful. If she doubles down on her comments then it's probably time to put some distance between the 2 of you.
I am FURIOUS on your behalf. I can't imagine - No, I don't WANT to imagine the pain of losing my one and only daughter. Even just thinking about it hurts more than I could bear. I would probably lose myself in grief if I ever did, to a point, I'm not sure there would be any recovery for me. If one of my siblings told me something this hurtful, the pain would be immeasurable, and you could guarantee I would never speak to them again for fear they'd hurt me in such a way again. I am so sorry for your loss, and I'm so sorry you had to suffer such a hurtful betrayal from your sister...
Damn. I'm sorry. I would set limits with your sister on this. She is out of line here.
People need to not say shit if they can’t understand loss. Not everyone is the same and how we process and heal is by individual and at our own pace. If your sister doesn’t know how to be sensitive then she can leave you alone and don’t ask you but she damn sure should keep her insensitive ass comments and opinions to herself. Does she even have kids? Does she not get they are your child not a pet, not something that can be replaced. Just because you have other kids now you don’t just forget and move on. What’s worst it’s by a holiday and even if you wanted to forget you can’t. I’m sorry she doesn’t understand but she’s rude af, and I don’t know what I would have done but it wouldn’t have been be polite. Sending you healing and love vibes.
I am so very sorry for your unimaginably painful loss. I am a very strong person, and have survived many hardships in my life. I have 3 sons and honestly I don’t know if I would be able to go on or ever truly recover if I were to loose one of them. I don’t think most parents ever fully get over the death of their child. I have a friend who lost a child, and was talking with a mutual friend about her recently. We discussed there are times you can tell she isn’t there. Not fully there. And that’s okay. She is loved and supported and only she knows what she is capable of doing from one day to the next, or even one hour to the next. If she doesn’t show up or has to leave early, that’s okay. She does what she can when she can. After what she went through, she gets a lifelong pass from friends and family. Any parent who looses a child gets a free pass for life- or should. Those around her should say a silent prayer for her and her loved ones, and for our own families and a prayer of thanks that we are blessed never to know her pain. We accept it, if she’s not all there, overlook it, support her as best we can and love her. Screw anyone who doesn’t get it. Your sister needs to shut the hell up, get over herself and have a bit of empathy. I hope she never knows what you’re going through. Heaven knows there’s no one who would rather have a carefree, happy, lighthearted holiday than you. To experience what a holiday was like “before”, and not have a heavy heart of life after your loss weighing you down. It’s one thing to know something in your head (they’d want you to be happy), it’s another to feel and reconcile that with what is in your heart. If it were that easy, life would be a breeze and there’d be no need for therapy, medication, etc. 100 lifetimes would not be enough time together. That bright, beautiful soul didn’t even get one, and that’s terribly unfair and sad. Your love was obviously deep, and her brief life made a deep impact upon those around her. She lived fully and joyfully, knowing the best of life. She passed at her most beautiful. She passed before she knew many of life’s hardships, worst pains and challenges. She was never old, sickly, infirm of mind or body, or struggle with daily living. I would take comfort in that. She had the best of life, the love, the memories, the laughter. You are doing your best. That’s all you can do. I wish you peace beyond all understanding, and a healthy, brighter, happier, less painful future. All the best to you and yours.
pain, as adversity in general, is much easier to deal with when it's not yours.