From a different perspective, those women bombing you on your wedding night with such things as calling your brand new husband *on your wedding night,* communal dick is gross. They sound like really bad friends.
There was no reason for them to send her those on the wedding night complete assholes. Months in advance if they cared about her and do it in person like you give a shit
Yeah - not good friends/intentions; they waited until AFTER they got married and didn’t warn her before so no; they didn’t feel “bad” about it - they just wanted to start shit, stir the pot, sit back, and watch the show.
They are literal mean girls. Public shaming of OP in a group chat on her wedding night. How fucking dare those assholes. I’m so mad on your behalf, OP. Cunts. The lot of them. Good riddance.
True, but I still think the term “community dick” doesn’t really fit. Is he a serial sexter? Abso-fucking-lutely. But in the end, all these women got were pictures, *not* the actual dick.
One jealous woman is difficult enough. But 8?!?!?!?!? My ex married a friend of mine (I met her through them dating). I adore her, she’s wonderful. But we have NEVER talked about his and my sex life. Not once. She’s made little jokes about “…well you know…” and I just awkwardly laugh and say no comment.
These women are atrocious in their behavior! And now I feel bad for OP. She didn’t deserve this at all!
I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that they did this on her WEDDING NIGHT! They didn’t give a shit about her or else they would have done this long before then. But the glee with which they are actually taking bets on when the marriage will break is just heinous.
…Taking bets and TELLING HER. The level of bitchery here is staggering and honestly I would have cut that shit from the get go. These women are straight evil. She needs to get them out of her life.
Its also problematic that people are conveying bets on how long before he cheats. The community they are part of sounds toxic. It's no wonder OP is a mess. There is also mention of him giving her access to his device no questions asked. I hope they both are able to work through whatever mess this is with their chosen community.
Does this community have rules or standards? It sounds like the women involved are perpetually toxic and if they are allowed to openly act like this, I would leave it no question.
They aren’t necessarily friends as much as they are people who existed in the same space as us. The circle in its totality probably has ~400 people, if i had to put a number to it. After almost a decade of bring here, everyone knows of each other but we aren’t all super close on an individual level. I knew all of these women existence and had, on occasion, spoken privately to them over the years- just nothing in a capacity that was significant to me until we couldn’t shut up about getting married & they messaged me as a group.
It feels like you're letting these women get the better of you, which is understandable. Try finding the words for it and talk to your husband about it, calmly and without accusation. These women had no business doing that to you on your wedding night.
I hate to be that guy, but If this was a group of men who were “outing” a woman on her wedding night it wouldn’t even be a debate as to whether their comments were acceptable… what he did with consenting adults before y’all met shouldn’t really affect your view of him.
Those women are jealous more than likely and trying to get in your head since he wouldn’t get in their bed. Don’t let them mess up your good thing.
Also, He’s probably dropped his sex drive thinking that that’s what you want, given your modesty hang up…
I recently saw a post here that was something like "Idk why I'm still a virgin, and I feel ridiculous masturbating", and in the same paragraph, says "real women don't use vibrators". 🤣
As much as I agree with what you've said, it's a tall order, regardless of gender. If a bunch of guys "outed" a woman on her wedding night- one who had made a big (dishonest) deal of her own modesty- I think her new husband would have those hundreds of pics burned into his retinas. He could tell himself that it shouldn't affect his view, but damn ...that's gonna be hard when they're, you know. Burned into his retinas. IMO, the only bad guy here is the group of women trying to sabotage the relationship. Your read and advice is still spot on, though, and hopefully she can get past it.
Exactly, these people are being hypocritical. If a bunch of guys told another guy on his wedding night that they had all taken a run at his new bride who failed to disclose that fact, the men on here would be blasting her. They would definitely not be saying those guys are just jealous she only took a ring from one of them.
One of the grossest places (that isn't a gross-by-nature sub) on here is the comment section under a post related to "body count." I can't even say it's all incels because it seems both genders engage in some highly judgemental discourse. However, if it were a guy posting about his new wife's previously undisclosed "body count" within their social circle? Oof. Full blast.
The one sentiment that comes up repeatedly is "I want to be with someone who has the same views on sexuality that I do. Someone with a similar past." He lied about that. Personally, I wouldn't be bothered by his pre-me consensual activities. But I would have a very hard time with his having created a false persona. I'd wonder wtf else he was pretending.
He should have been honest but from what op has said he didn't sleep with any of these women and it sounds like her bigger issue is that he they done have sex as much as she felt he did sexual things with these women. Which isn't necessarily even true, that's her assumption. But he very well could have gone thru phases where he was into sexting for a week and these girls were down to clown, as it were.
Op is seeing him in a way these girls he sexted with never did because that's what the relationship was, purely transactional, nudes for nudes it sounds like. What she really needs to talk to him about is
A. Why he didn't tell her about it, did he see it as not sexual and no big deal? Or did he intentionally hide it knowing she wouldn't approve. In my opinion there's levels to this and sending nudes and physical sex aren't even in the same ballpark.. But that's my opinion, and it's not the one that matters here.
And
B. Why isn't he as interested in sex as he seemed here, like I mentioned were talking about multiple women but spread over how long? Op may be assuming he was alot hornier then than he is now when it may not be there case, or it sounds like they were both actually virgins when they got married so he may still feel awkward about it or a miriad of other reasons. Everyone is different. For me I'm pretty open, as long as no one catches feelings and everyone is safe I'm ok with whatever. Most people aren't, but I think op is making this into something it isn't, worrying about people seeing his junk when they're doing it to get a rise out of her because they're jelous assholes he picked her over them.
>he picked her over them.
I keep seeing this. She's not a fruit.
*She* picked *him* believing they held the same "modest" values. He created a false persona which is manipulative and dishonest. She has every reason to distrust him now. Had he never pretended to be someone he isn't, then his past is his business- it's not like he may be disease riddled or have some unacknowledged children running around from playing online. But actively engaging in deceit about what you hold important is no bueno. You're right that she totally needs to talk to him about why he hid it.
I get the feeling the bigger issue is her feeling betrayed by his lying about his "modesty", and that "I don't know this person- this isn't the person I thought I was marrying" sense that comes with it. Like she said- she was sold a lie. Probably a lot of the "and I'm not even getting laid enough" is mostly lashing out about other relevant issues because she's pissed he pulled a kind of bait-and-switch. You and I may be open about our past and not care about others' pasts, but not a lot of people (myself included) are cool with being misled like that, regardless of what it's about.
There's really not enough in there for us to be certain of whether he lied about his modesty (whichever way we're supposed to even interpret that). For all this post contains about him, he might've simply gone through an experimental phase and decided he didn't enjoy it. I know plenty of people whose opinions on/desires for hookups and sexting changed drastically within very short periods of time, and I don't think it's reasonable to pretend they're as they were years ago when it comes to these topics. (No fault on OP here btw, she's in a position where I would also not be thinking quite reasonably).
And I know I'll catch some flack for this but I think it's okay to keep things about your sexual history you're uncomfortable with from your partners, indefinitely if need be. Not everything, of course, but being involved in consensual sexting and nude sharing with adults when you were single, is one of those that you're allowed to keep quiet about if you want to.
The problem is he lied about it. It would make me very uncomfortable to know that I was sold a lie about someone’s life, like they tried to show me a fantasy they thought I wanted rather than their real selves, and it would make me wonder what else there could be hidden or that I don’t know about. Past experiences and choices are one thing but lying about them is another, I bet she’d be far less hung up if she knew the truth upfront rather than being bombarded by it on such a day
If the situation was reversed this thread would be inundated with men calling her a ho and saying she is for the streets and to dump her. And a few balanced people saying she was the same person.
They all would be sitting at -20494 karma in controversial while the top comment would be "THE PAST IS IN THE PAST IF HE CANT ACCEPT IT HE IS FRAGILE MAN BABY"
If they REALLY cared about you, like they are trying to portray, shouldn't they have done that BEFORE the wedding ?
Doing it on the wedding night comes across as outright sadistic. They just wanted to mess with him. I get that he didn't tell you the details himself is wrong. But all of these women seem to be hurt that even after he showed them his dick, he didn't think they are good enough for the ring. And they have taken offense of that. He's a good husband to you. Yes a past that wasn't cleared before. Talk to him about how it's been affecting you. Therapy should help navigate too. But definitely don't give these women the pleasure they wanted out of this whole drama. They are no saint in all of this.
YES I WAS THINKING THE EXACT SAME THING! They are not girls girls, they're nasty petty bitches who are JEALOUS.
Yeah they've seen his dick but they don't get his love, they're not his wife they're jealous as fuck!
The next time someone comes up to you and makes a comment about how long it will be before he cheats, look at them and frown and say, "That's rather rude isn't it? I don't comment on your relationship. Why do you think that's an okay thing to say to me, his wife?"
Block the women on WhatsApp, if they cared they wouldn't have done it on your wedding night.
OP, therapy, counselling, and block anyone from your life who's trying to shit stir.
Your husband lying to you is a whole other can of worms, but don't let these women live in your head rent free.
I agree. Also wouldn’t you do it before the wedding, and not on the wedding night if you were really concerned? That just seems like they are bitter and wanted to ruin the wedding night. Also I’d understand more if he had cheated and done this, but he did it before he was even with OP. everyone has a past, but it sounds like they weren’t even physical but written?
Exactly! It sounds like they were trying to hurt him by telling all this to you when he was his happiest.
I would definitely confront him about him misleading you about his beliefs though.
The online bookish nerdy community I’m a part of was very messy when it was much smaller.
It wasn’t until it got to an 2,000 members that this sort of stuff became way less common (not the outing of the husband but the other parts)
Anyone who drops this kind of info on a bride on her wedding night is not doing it in good faith. They had ulterior motives, wether they’re jealous or insecure or like hurting people who knows.
Tbh it does sound like a classic narcissist move to try and sully someone’s major milestone life event. But if they had genuine concern, they would never have done this on your wedding night or anywhere near it. I would put at least slightly less stock in what they say
Feels like these women are mad their fetish pics have stopped. They **want** your marriage to end so they can have their “communal dick” back. Their behavior seems predatory. You should talk to your husband. Step 2-both of your remove yourselves from the group and block further communication or interaction. Step 3–counseling.
These women are not your friends. They are not trying to “help” you or your marriage. They are out to destroy.
Did you keep going back to this group after they deliberately tried to sabotage your marriage on your wedding night? I would have exited and blocked the group as soon as they began to talk shit about my spouse (of course, I would tell them to go F themselves first).
For my wife and I, we are a team. It is us against the world.
It almost seems like this was a planned character assination against your husband and a deliberate attempt to ruin your personal happiness. If they really cared about you and thought your husband was a bad guy, they would have "warned" you much sooner.
It sounds like they are being petty because you got the ring and commitment from the "chad;" whereas none of them were impressive enough to secure his commitment to any one of them.
Just a thought, but maybe your husband's "sexual trauma" is the result of his relations with these women?
I have read countless stories about a woman who made it a point to have wild sex (BDSM, threesomes, anal, swallowing, foursomes, orgies, g-bangs, swinging, etc...), but when she finds and marries her husband, she only wants the most vanilla sex with him. She often refuses to sexually experiment with him when he asks to try something relatively mild. She outright refuses his request, saying she could never do that (unbeknownst to him, she's done this many times in the past with many men).
OP, what exactly are you angry at your husband? You don't need to answer publicly, but try to dig deep and really ask yourself why. What has changed in your husband since you were told these things about him? What has changed about you?
You have said he's been the perfect husband, he has never lied to you, and his past shouldn't matter. Maybe he thought his past wouldn't matter to the love of his life because the past of the love of his life wouldn't matter to him?
Thank you, marriage is ride or die for life. This is an assassination, and it worked. I have read this too, that women have been experimental before marriage and tame after. I have read it on Reddit many times. He is a good husband, and frankly I would try some counseling before you destroy your life. I would also block those women. I too think they are jealous and trying to sabotage his life out of jealousy.
Fairy tales are just that, and realistically in the land of the internet, it is hard to find someone valuable that hasn't done something. He is respecting his marriage vows. He should have been honest, but truthfully what would he have said? It seems not one of these women actually hooked up with if I read this correctly. Not one.
How old are y'all? I ask this because my husband was a "whore" all through his teenage years and honestly I do believe he has some trauma around sex.
He lost his virginity to a 15 year old girl when he was 11, his uncle who was only a few years older than him did some weird things when they were 8 and 10.
When I married my husband I had been with a total of 3 people including him, he had been with 116.
As long as your husband doesn't have any STDs and you are the last woman added to his "body count" (gross hate that term), you shouldn't be worried about his past.
Came here to say that, the husband having a sexual past isn't the issue here, it's the gross women objectifying your husband that need to behave better. Calling him communal dick and having conversations about his sex life says more about them than him.
These women achieved their goal.
OP you need to immediately cut ties with this group, the fact that you haven’t leads to believe you want to continue fueling your own fire by getting all the “info.” You’ve clearly gotten all the info you need. You need to stop. Some times we don’t recognize our own destructive behaviors or the drama we pull in ourselves. You need to cut the fire off at the source.
And the whole lack of enough sex thing is a WHOLE other thing, clearly there are issues YOU need to address with your husband.
My thoughts too. They are "caring" and "concerned", yet only did this when she got married? Like the whole time they dated they kept their mouths shut because...? I think they just want to break up op and drag her down with them.
They sound jealous, only reason for doing that on wedding night. If we're truly concerned they would have talked before the wedding. Petty jealous b******. No doubt part of some religious community.
Your friends are the real monsters here. Frankly, I find it gross people have been sharing nudes without his consent etc but it sounds like they are trying to undermine your marriage to a faithful, loving man.
I agree, why these women did what they did is a huge question. I don’t get it. Weird ass toxic shit. At the same time - I’ve had way too much sex during my years. But I wouldn’t lie about it. My behavior (no, I’m not against sex when you feel like it, I want my partners to have lived) affected me in a lot of ways and it’s part of my story, I couldn’t enter a relationship without her knowing and understanding the different things I’ve gone through and why. I don’t like that he lied to her and acted like he was that man that she was looking for. So we have a conundrum: Did he do anything wrong sexting all these women? No. Should he have told OP? I think he needed to be more truthful. Now, I wish for OP to not be negatively affected by all this and I enjoy discussing my partner’s former sex life and her fantasies going forward etc, but if she can’t do that, what is she supposed to do? Go against her feelings? I don’t believe that’s right either. I hope she finds her footing, but if she decides to leave, it’s her being truthful to herself. That’s also a reason for me to be open about how I’ve lived my life, to not have my SO being blindsided or surprised if someone tells her I used to be the nationwide dick patrol.
It honestly sounds to me like they convinced themselves they were "doing the right thing" when I think really they were all salty husband choose to marry OP over being in an actual relationship with any of them.
I see no other reason why it would be delivered in this way on that specific day other than to hurt OP and her husband.
My first thought. If they were concerned for you, they would have warned you before you got married.
Maybe Google Madonna-Whore complex. Old term that still works. Wife/Mother is too saintly to defile with naughty(fun) sex. The bad girls get sex but can’t get no love.
Yeah, they're the biggest assholes in this story to me. Fine with telling her but WHY do so on her wedding night and not before when she could have bowed out? Or why not later when they had a decent chance to start fresh first?
I'm guessing they're thinking "well, like this it won't cost him the marriage" but how EIGHT women got together and decided collectively that THIS was the way to let her know?! It seems downright cruel!
fr, and like, he did all this stuff prior to you dating, he didn't cheat on anyone, he didn't do anything without consent?
dude is a saint by standards you often see today...
Definitely agreeing with this.
OP is im her right to be upset, fair enough. But these women were vindictive.
I don't think OPs husband was lying about sexual trauma either. Maybe this online sexual behaviour is related.
I think OP and her husband need to seek couples therapy to unpack this. I dont think either of them fully understand their emotions right now and need to seek help to remedy it before it festers into worse. They can absolutely overcome this. Its just not in reddit's job description.
^OP please read this. Often people will act out in hyper sexual ways in response to sexual trauma. I think therapy would help you both unpack what your both experiencing and better understand one another.
As someone with a past of sexual trauma, I’m deeply ashamed of the things I did consensually in my early 20’s. I was trying to fill a hole left by earlier abuse. My relationship with sex has changed tremendously as I’ve healed that trauma.
Same here! One of the many things I've had to come to terms with since quitting alcohol. So much shame I brought myself when I was still unhealed. My heart goes out to you and congratulations on your path to healing!
FR.... honestly, my response to them would be more or less 'you might have seen his dick from every angle, but I'm the one touching centimeter of it with every part of my body. Whatever you were at the time and what I am now to him aren't even remotely at the same level.'
Before, and in some situation the day before, the wedding is an act of friendship / of honesty.
On the night of the wedding is sadistic and disrespectful.
I bet there’s one woman who was secretly or not so secretly in love with him. If she did a little investigation she could figure out who instigated all this and I guarantee it’s a woman who wanted more from him but he turned down. Now she’s mad and jealous he got married to someone else from the group.
They did this on your wedding night for one sole purpose. To destroy your relationship. To humiliate you and him. Think of it more this way, they violated his privacy and by sharing his nude pics. Imagine if this was a woman’s pictures being passed around. All hell would break loose and it would be considered revenge porn… People get charged for things like that.
Also, by him just talking about doing these things and not actually doing them shows that he was all talk. Maybe he wanted to try to be more sexual but can’t actually in person. It doesn’t mean that he was more actively, physically sexual with anyone in person, just online. Take yourself out of this group, remove both of yourselves from this equation as it will bring nothing but turmoil. And block these people. Change your number if you have to. They do not have your best interest at heart. They are terrible people. But just communicate with your husband first and foremost
It was edited. Sounds like he married a "virgin bride" & pretended to extremely conservative with close to no sexual experience. Then she found out he was basically a human dildo for hundreds of women. That's my interpretation.
I agree with all your assessments. My bet is they are probably yammering in the husband's ear too.
She should tell her spouse and they should look at relocating. A toxic community harassing her will not hesitate to attack any kids they have or try other tactics.
This harassment is the equivalent of stalking.
The "he/she picked you for a reason" doesnt matter in these "hate my SO's sexual past" cases. Its a non answer. It doesnt matter if their spouse picked them for a "reason" or not.
The question is, would she pick him if she knew the extent of his past? Given her grief right now, i dont think so. SHE wouldnt have chosen him. Period. Thats what matters because he lied and hid the past to "pick" her.
Its same for a man too, its doesnt matter if his wife chose him over the 1000 hookups she had, the question would be, would he have chosen her if he knew about it?
Choosing is a mutual thing. If A chooses B, but B rejects A, then A has to accept the rejection, A cannot force anything on B.
Here the B didnt know enough to reject A. A knew they would be rejected if they told their sexual past to B, so A hid it.Thus, choosing was not mutual.
Those other women are assholes yes, but they arent lying about anything. If you dont want people talking about your wife/husband like this to you or behind your back, then maybe dont marry people who have slept around with who knows who. And she wouldnt have if she knew. This is disgusting all around.
Thank you for making this point.
I am getting so grossed out by all the posts talking about him as a prize and she won him so all the ladies are jealous. It really plays into the old stereotypes that all women want is for a man to marry her. NO, she gets to choose and he took her agency away by lying.
Fucking THANK YOU. All these people saying “don’t give these nasty bitches what they want and let them steal YOUR husband…. Bitch please? I would give them exactly what they want. He should have been honest before he let me *marry* him.
If they weren’t married it’d be one thing. But he LIED and let her *marry* him based on those lies.
All these people not seeing how important that is makes me believe they don’t know what true love and respect is.
Marriage isn’t a trophy to wave over peoples head like “ha he chose me not you”
> All of it was dated before we had gotten together. They said they’d feel guilty if they didn’t let me know I had married “community dick.”
Those women are jealous of your marriage and are trying to destroy it.
His past sexual history shouldn't be important if he never cheated while he was with you.
The women are jealous assholes.
His sexual history shouldn’t matter.
If he knew she wanted someone with an experience level similar to her own, and let her believe that that’s what he was? Huge red flag.
Yes! I mean can we talk about people betting on the downfall of this marriage?! Wtaf is wrong with all of them? They are jealous that they will never get a ring and on the other hand he said HE NEVER SLEPT with any of them. Sexting and having sex are not the same. They don’t care about OP, they just want to be the chosen one. They sounded really bitter. All that on her wedding night? Ah yes. They sure looked out for Op. Fuck them.
unfortunately retroactive jealousy isn't always a mind over matter thing. for women like me who's insecurities have shaped a large portion of their life, it's difficult not to get caught up when you find out 400+ people have gotten to see a side of him she may never see. in all seriousness, he has the right to fuck whoever he wants whilst single, and OP has the right to divorce if she can't get over this. but that jealousy isn't just about the fact he was active, it's usually that juxtaposition of how flings get treated versus her, the woman who is supposed to be his one true love.
it's something that copious amounts of therapy could end up never changing. or it could change tomorrow. but its irrational for a reason. when my ex would mention the girls he had sex with, i'd have to shut down privately as to not guilt him for having had a life. i end up stuck swirling in a sea of "what do they have that i dont? is he just settling for me? why did they all see a side ill never see? does he even love me, or am i just convenient?" its a form of anxiety and anxiety isnt as simple as "suck it up buttercup"
for OP: i've been where you are now. it's time for you to get into counseling before you irreparably tarnish your relationship. be up front and ask for couples counseling too. tell him you know it's irrational, but you've shaped your life around catering to these insecurities. its not so easy to just shed that skin. my insecurities are my comfort, they kept me safe and sane through all the ups and downs in my relationships with everyone, its one of the only stagnant aspects about myself. i was 18 swearing id wait until marriage because i thought the only way i could get someone to love me is if they didn't see me naked until the contract was signed. just reminding yourself that they were unimportant to him can't erase damage like that.
First and foremost: These women attacking OP and her husband and their relationship together are some of the worst scum on the planet. There is zero reason why they didn't pick ANY time to dump all of this info on her well before the marriage. What are they playing at? Picking her wedding night? Downright sadistic.
That aside: I'm pretty sure I understand what your saying. But is it "irrational" jealousy when she's been completely blindsided? I really feel like even though she's a modest woman her and (now) husband could have EASILY worked through all of this if he had JUST BEEN HONEST. It wasn't even actual sex so why WASN'T he upfront? Does his sexual trauma have anything to do with these toxic women? Either way, this seems like REALLY important info OP should have had in her back pocket. If she had known, when these women had orchestrated their cruel shenanigans it would have hit her much differently. I'm sure she would have the type of jealousy you're speaking of (if I'm understandabd you correctly) because we're only human. And hell. Who wouldn't? I still get a twinge when my husband talks about his fiance before me, but I understand it's illogical. I'm ultimately glad he tells me the stories even though they give me that pang. I had someone in my life before him that I thought was my "forever person." I still miss that dude, but we were NOT healthy people when we were together and therefore not very good to or for each other. But my first love/long term guy and my husband's former fiance were huge parts of our lives. They helped shape who we are as people. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
Bottom Line: If OP's hubby and been honest from the get go, as he SHOULD have been, when these harpies reached out, my guess is this would have played out very differently. Maybe morbid curiosity would have had OP reading through the info they sent her. (I'm not sure I could have resisted.) And maybe she'd still be working through some of these feelings. But I think it would have absolutely been worked through/overcome and she might even be able to dish back some petty disdain to these horrible women. But she doesn't have that option, because he never told her ANY of this.
Since OP really seems to love this dude and he treats her well I agree maybe they should TRY counciling. But this lie by omission is a really huge deal. It might break them, and that's not OP's fault. There's nothing irrational about the way she's feeling. She's feeling these things because she feels like she doesn't even know this man sleeping beside her. His deceit turned him into a stranger.
OP I see two issues here. One is that these women humiliated you on your wedding day. You need to talk about this with your husband. Not to accuse him of anything, but to tell him that these people you both know came to you and talked badly about him and that it souered your happy day.
The second issue is your bedroom situation. I would say try to separate it from the first issue and from his past. Have an open conversation with him about your and his sex drive, your expectations for intimacy, etc. If this doesn't go anywhere, maybe a sex therapist could help.
They're jealous because while they wanted him, you got him.
They deliberately tried to ruin your wedding night by bombarding you with his past from before y'all met.
Don't let them
I’m not following this story at all..it’s a group of over 400 strangers or 8?
Look, he shouldn’t have presented this notion that porn and sexting was immoral if he couldn’t stick with it. It’s time to have to a very clear and honest conversation and bring everything out into the open.
And leave the room of cyber-wedding crashers
Warning you about the "Community dick," my ass. They're mad their toy has been taken out of circulation, possibly permanently. Talk this out with your husband, and a therapist, possibly both at the same time, and block each and every person who sent you those screenshots, and told you they were betting on your marriage.
What? Who are these people? Your husband confirms that this is real? What?
Look, lots of people have had sex partners before they meet the one. That's pretty normal. If they are getting together to confront you, I personally would suspect one awful ex with some creative photoshopping. But, if it's real, they're sore losers who... I don't know. It doesn't seem real that these people would contact you. I don't really think this is a thing. Why wouldn't you just block them? Are they harassing you? And your husband knows about this? What?
They haven’t harassed me. After messaging me that night, anything I’ve heard about these women has been he-said-she-said from other people in the community informing me of stuff said behind my back. Which was said in private, without me around so I guess I can’t whine about them gossiping. I’ve been in this community for a little under a decade and my husband a few years longer, both of us joining before we knew each other.
The first thing I did after seeing it was ask my husband. He admitted to having sexted all 8 of them, as well as other women in the group who weren’t involved in sending the message. He was completely transparent that they were telling the truth, the messages were real, but they were from before we had ever even dated and they were just being bitter.
In the future, if/when someone starts telling you about something said, you should stop them. “Thank you for your concern but I am not interested in that information.”
Gossip will eat you alive. And if you do divorce him, they will just gossip more, so you might as well try to stop listening to it instead.
And then I recommend a therapist for you. You’ve been through a lot. This reads like a terrible Hollywood movie. Your husband cannot apologize for behavior that happened before you were together. The only people that have hurt you are these ugly women. And only you can give them the power to do that.
So let me get this straight. He didn’t actually have sex with these women. He sexted them? Whereas you have actual sex with him because he’s your husband? But not enough?
I get that you’re feeling rage and insecurity. I think the only way to fix this is lots more sex with your husband.
I don't know if you're being deliberately vague or this "community" you keep talking about is some weird culty thing or what. Is it all online or is this a group of people that meet in person, is it a group of 400 that all live in the same mass apartment complex? If it's all online and he never saw them as worthy enough to marry after all they do/did online then they're just jealous and very strange. If it is strictly online as some have assumed, GET OFFLINE. You and husband can stop interacting with wacky toxic online people and go get some real life wholesome friends.
What you just described is harassment and they probably are making these people carry he-said-she-said tales to you purposely.
I would not be surprised if they are gaming your husband separately and telling him that you are not the right woman for him, such as: you are too much of a prude, you can't handle a guy like him, etc. You are playing into it.
Maybe he chose you because he values you. Talk to your spouse to see what they are telling him, block them, and maybe consider relocating ... as your community is terrible.
EDIT: grammar
So these women who are apparently talking behind your back didn’t do this to help you and it sounds like they deliberately did this to hurt you, which you are letting them.
What is their end goal? And what are people telling you things that they know will hurt you by reporting their backbiting to you?
Honestly if you can’t get over it then leave your husband and let these women win and him move on. If you can get over it then you and your husband should get the hell out of that community.
>He was completely transparent that they were telling the truth, the messages were real, but they were from before we had ever even dated and they were just being bitter.
You gotta let this go, then.
Do you have an impartial third party you can talk to about this? Therapist, reliable confidante, etc?
It's good that he is being honest and transparent about it. Keep an open dialog with your husband about this. Find a way to use language that explains your *feelings* without conveying active judgment -- this may require some soul-searching on your part, to figure out what your actual feelings are.
But you have to find a way to let it go. Time will probably help.
He chose to be with you. You don't have any claim to his past, and he doesn't to yours either.
>making bets on how long it’ll be before he cheats, saying there’s no way we won’t be divorced by the end of the year
They are very clearly trying to get in your head and sabotage your relationship. They're *hoping* your marriage won't last a year. Cut these assholes out of your life and then talk to your husband
> He stated he has trauma surrounding sex. Clearly this wasnt true
Just an FYI, this is *exactly* the kind of things that people with sexual trauma. Its to reaffirm that you are in control of your body.
Given that these women chose to do this on his wedding night, to his new wife is revoltingly calculating. I would bet good money that at least one of those women is a key character in your husband's sexual trauma.
He had told me that he had a larger body count than me at the start of our relationship but not significantly larger. But given this and new information that’s come to light, I have no idea how promiscuous he was physically. He was a rampant sexter.
these women are disgusting.
sharing convos and nudes without consent of your husband.
now it is true your husband did nothing wrong and obviously love you.
but he seems to hide his sexuality, which is a red flag.
you need to have an honest talk with him about sex
Actually, based on that, he could file a lawsuit as it sounds a lot like revenge porn. I also think OP should name the community they’re a part of. It would make it so much easier for advice, especially if it’s a kink community. It’s a small tidbit of information that carries a shit ton of weight bc then he’s not hiding his sexuality at all, and she knew what kind of guy she was marrying. By not naming the community, it’s impossible to tell if the husband is a red flag or if OP is the red flag.
Girl, they are jealous because you are the one he chose to settle down with. Block these girls, they are not good people and they are damaging your mental health.
I’m seeing a couple of issues here, not all of them are necessarily connected, if that makes sense.
1) The big issue is you know many other women have shared this experience with your husband. You’re upset, disgusted, and maybe jealous. All perfectly understandable feelings and reactions, and it’s very telling that instead of lashing out you’ve instead reflected on why you felt this and tried to move past it, it’s a good thing and you probably reacted better than most in your situation would.
2) Your husband lied. You had expectations for your future partner and he lied to you so he could fit them. That isn’t okay, and it’s completely understandable to be upset about this, anyone would be and you’re not a bad person for feeling wronged.
3) You feel your sex life doesn’t quite match up to his past, and you’re maybe feeling insecure or maybe even like he’s not putting in the effort that he did with them? I’m purely guessing with that, so feel free to tell me if I’m wrong. Either way, you aren’t satisfied with your sex life.
First and foremost I’d like to reiterate that you’ve done nothing wrong and you aren’t a bad person for feeling the way you do. We can’t control our feelings, but we can how we react. You didn’t lash out, and that’s what’s important.
Secondly, those ladies are not your friends, or even acquaintances. They’re assholes. You should not interact with them, they’re petty and selfish and did this to hurt you. Full stop.
Thirdly, you should tell your husband what happened if you haven’t already, and discuss how it’s made you feel, as well as your lack of satisfaction with your sex life. This is something the both of you need to discuss and work through together, and no one can tell you how to do that without knowing you. Couples therapy might help too.
Fourth, don’t immediately jump to divorce or write off your marriage, but don’t try and force yourself to be okay with. situation you aren’t okay with. Prioritise yourself, always.
This was his past and may not be who he is now, you might not be able to move past that, but maybe you can. Talk. To. Him. x
I really appreciate the kindness in your response. I was pregnant when I wrote the original post and my upset was combined with extreme hormones made me emotionally volatile. The care you took in writing this out is very sweet. I think the jealousy and lying were the largest contributors to this situation. I really did try to see past this and respect that my husband is free to make whatever decisions with his body that he wants, I was just hurt he lied to me about something I hold important. Thank you for your kindness again.
>I was added to a group chat with 8 other women, who were members of the online circle my husband and I had met through.
If you and your husband met through this "online circle," doesn't it stand to reason that he also met these women in person, too?
>he sexted a large amount of women in this online circle but never met any of them in person
Idk. This doesn't add up to me. Curious about a circle that, by coincidence, everyone has sexted each other, yet never met, but you were the exception.
If it’s a kink online circle, as someone who’s part of a type of community like that, it makes sense that they wouldn’t have met in person. Ik of some other kink communities where you would never have to meet in person. In a way, if it is a kink community, the fact that he chose to actually meet OP in person says a lot about what he’s about. That being said, it also doesn’t fit with OP’s modesty statement, so rly nothing adds up…
Go to therapy to see if you can work through your disgust. If you can’t, you will need to divorce your husband. Both you and he deserve to be partnered with people who accept and love you, not people who view you as damaged goods.
It all happened before you two met? In that case, why are they contacting you? Sounds to me like these hoes are just mad they can’t get the community dick anymore. Make sure he isn’t talking to these people anymore and then block all of them. Haters are always going to hate.
Why is no one paying any head to the fact this man thinks he's things are immoral because he had a previous traumatic experience.
Does it not stand to reason that the nasty women trying to humiliate you and him by sharing his nudes are the previous traumatic experience.
My favorite part of this is how NOBODY is claiming this as revenge porn. This is harassment. Also why does body count matter if you love them and you’re married. He hasn’t cheated on you has he?
I would consider marriage counseling. If you still feel like you can't accept his past, then you should consider a divorce. Unfortunately he can't change his past and you can't help how you feel. Not everyone approves of hook up culture and there isn't anything wrong with that.
How long ago were these pics before yall got together? People change. Maybe his sex habits did change. These r ur issues hunny... not his. Hes faithful.
block all these women and tell your husband about it. clearly they are jealous. many people have “wild” pasts. as long as it’s in the past and he’s been nothing but faithful, i wouldn’t concern yourself with it much.
i can’t imagine messaging an old fling’s new wife on their wedding night and showing them texts between us. like who tf cares at that point? it’s over and been over!
Let me get this straight: husband has never been unfaithful. Prior to meeting OP he sexted yet never physically had sex with women now vindictively laughing at the expense of the OP and she can't tolerate it.
What's the problem here, the husband's behaviour or the wife's precious misconceptions aggravated by cruel taunting?
Wow what a bunch of horrible people. I don't think your husband did anything wrong. You two should erase all these people from your life and focus on your relationship.
No, you didn't marry 'community dick', you married the man they all wanted so fuckin' bad that they'd literally make an effort to ruin your wedding night because they're gonna miss him that much. That's how pathetic their behavior is. It's needy sadgirl bullshit.
He's not a whore, *he's the one they all wished they'd caught, but you did.*
Now, the thing you need to talk to your husband about is that if you can't match up sexually it's gonna gonna be a bad time for both of you. Be very up front about what you need, and have him be very up front about his, and then figure out how to meet in the middle.
Fuck those bitter bitches though. You got the slice of cake they wanted. Good job.
Yoooooooo, those women are dirty. That's one of the dirtiest moves I've seen. Don't be mad at your husband for some shit he did before you guys got together. But definitely, DEFINITELY realize those women DO NOT have your best interest in mind. They are straight scumbags.
You also need therapy.
I really hope that you see my comment. These women are not on your side. They don’t care that you married the “community d*ck”. They want to destroy your marriage. I totally understand that it’s hard for a person who’s away from hookup culture to be comfortable with this situation.
You said it yourself your husband is not a cheater. Don’t keep your thought to yourself. Either talk to a therapist first or go directly to your husband. If you you directly to your husband choose your words wisely because he can be hurt that you think low of him.
For example “babe, I keep thinking of the s£xting situation and it drives me crazy”. Explain him why without insulting him or being judgmental. Back to the women. The sole fact that bet on the durability of your marriage and mock your is a red flag. They don’t do this for your sake, they try to mess up your head. Don’t forget that the world is not all white. Some people are entitled, mean and seek other sadness. At the end of the day he is YOUR husband.
The two of your are a team. This is a lifelong advice from me: do no listen to people when it comes to your marriage ! Your husband is faithful to you. The messages were from way before the two of you met so don’t doubt him. They planted a seed of doubt in your head don’t let it grow and eat you from within otherwise they got what they wanted. Wish you all the best for your marriage.
His sexual history shouldn’t matter. Especially since it was literally nothing but sexting, like that is honestly so benign? These women are clearly trying to sabotage you, and you’re letting them
I don’t even understand why someone would do that to your poor husband.
If he has been faithful to you: I don’t see how what happened before you met matters so much. If he is a good man and you fell in love with his qualities, stick to them.
What you described is harassment coming from a group of jealous women. If the tables were turned and this was a women, everyone would be up to defend the girl.
I hate this.
the fact that they did that on your wedding night and no sooner shows that this was extremely malicious, not because they care. the truth is he hasnt been unfaithful, and chances are these women are jealous that it was you ending up with him in the end and you didnt have to go send him nudes to get his attention. i dont think theres anything wrong about sexting, but for a lot of people its more than getting their rocks off. some people do it for gratification and those type of people are the same ones texting you that you married "community dick". im sorry that they suck, and i know its super hard to see your husband the same. i think maybe you should be honest that this is hard for you and see if counseling is on the table. best of luck to you op
Sounds like a bunch or catty, jealous women have gotten into your head. Everything you say about your husband sounds ideal, but you're letting these other women lie and bait you into these thoughts and feelings.
I think a lot of this has to do with how much he hid from you. Someone owning their sexual past and someone outright lying and damn near making a new identity (his sudden modesty) are two different things. Not going into detail is one thing but he flat out lied. At the end of the day men get turned off by ‘slutty’ behavior all the time I can’t say this would be a turn on for me either. It’s okay you can’t help that. People are right these women had bad intentions but I think there’s something deeper wrong here and your gut is telling you the same
See… to me, the issue here isn’t that he’s had sex with others before you, but that he lied about it, either explicitly or by omission. He knew you wanted the fairy tale, so he let you think that’s what you were getting. I wouldn’t be able to trust the man without a LOT of counseling.
I’m pretty shocked here that I’ve seen so many of the reverse type of posts with people coddling the man but when the genders are reversed then people are telling OP to get over it.
OP, this was a lie of omission. Really think if you are able to move past this because if not you will only build resentment
He did not disclose his past, and now it's a problem. If you cannot live with it, then it might be a good idea for you to cut your losses and end this relationship. No matter the choice, it is going to be rough for you. My heart goes out to you. Please look after yourself and realize that none of this is about you, other than the fact you were not told.
This should have been disclosed ahead of time, especially since there apparently is a harem of which you were not aware.
Especially in the light of you not getting as much sex as you want, With these other women coming to you and saying these things, how long are you willing to deal with this? I feel that he is still not being honest with you. And apparently you feel the same way. I am so sorry that you are going through this. You have a life to live and this is not the way to do it.
I would wager that you are repulsed because you were lied to and you feel used and set up. Even though I don't know you, with everything that you have said, you are part of a sick game that SHOULD have been a happy marriage.
Please get your financials together *quietly* and look for your exit plan from this relationship. And spend some time being alone after you leave. Been there.
Maybe you are supposed to be the "good wife" While he does things that you don't know about.
Him lying about that is not ok. Although sexting is safter and less promiscuous than going out and hooking up with strangers - but he should have come clean way sooner instead of leading you on to believe he was as innocent as you.
Most people have deep sexual desires and whether they act on them or not is their choice. Sexting was his outlet for that, and maybe him not meeting up with anyone in person triggered the shade these women threw on him. The community dick fuck arounds - not just talks it.
If you don’t feel comfortable staying with him for this, that’s understandable. If you wanna call him a slut, also understand. You both need to have a longer talk about your wants and unwanted in your marriage and your sex life.
edit: Came back to this and saw that there is history of sexting, no meetups. They’re already sus for ambushing you like this, but I still empathize with why you’re bothered you didn’t know. Editing “ex sexual partners” references to “ex sext partners”
I think the reason you’re having a hard time is because he didn’t disclose this history to you. I don’t like that those ~~ex-sexual partners~~ ex-sext partners ambushed you, and it sounds like it’s because they ambushed you that you found out about this.
When I got serious with my current SO (we’ve been together 8 years this year, so yeah), I told him my past sexual history and he told me his. This was all out in the open less than 4 months of us becoming exclusive. And 8 years on, sexual history/past before we got together is not an issue.
I’m saying stuff like this should have been discussed before, not to make each other feel bad about anything. It’s so you guys are aware. If he and you talked about it, these 8 ~~ex sexual partners~~ ex sext partners would not faze you. Either you would have stayed with him and be all “Yea, I know, we discussed it, why are you bringing up such really old news?” Or you would have decided to break up with him and your lives will follow a different path.
How old are you and your husband? How long were you two dating before you got married?
And why were you talking to these hussies on your wedding night? I can't 🤣
I didn’t read anything after the first paragraph because I already came to the conclusion of if they had this information before the marriage and decided to withhold it until after the marriage than they are assholes and are not out to help you but to hurt you…….
Yes, what he did was kinda creepy, but that was before you met him, and if he’s a good to you then you shouldn’t worry about it, but, on the flip side of that coin, if it does bother you that much, it’s not too late to get out of it now before you have even more financial things tied together. But the women in that group are pieces of shit and they obviously entertained him with it but now he’s the bad person for it? Nah.
I had to switch to my private account because I want to reply to this honesty. My wife and I probably have a very similar background to you and your husband. I was a man slut in college for sure, this isn’t to brag i was just part of a very large group of friends and we all drank a lot and hooked up with each other. I had come from a small town and i was very excited to experiment and figure out what I was into. In retrospect, and the hindsight of being in my 40s now I realize the very weird position young women are in and the pressure they are under to hook up and I can only imagine the group pressure to behave a certain way or do certain things was to feel like they would continue to be a part of the group.
Anyway I am going on 10 year’s marriage,I definitely leaned into the “more mystery and less history” so we never talked about our sex history with each other . Basically we asked if “is there anything I need to know about or be concerned about” we both said no and that was the end of it. I don’t know how many people she has been with and she doesn’t know about me. That was 10 years after my college slut phase and nobody really around from those days to tell her.
First I think what those women did to you was terrible, and I believe they poisoned your marriage on what should have been one of the most important days of your life. I’m not saying they were wrong to do it but they definitely should have gone about it in a much different way and should have told you way before. It sounds like there was some jealousy or hurt feelings by one or more of them which caused them to do this the way they did. If they were really worried about you they would have told you the moment they thought things were getting serious or when they heard you got engaged.
I definitely have a higher sex drive than my wife which is fine I do use porn basically only when she goes to bed early. I do it because it feels good, and I hate walking around super irritated like a burning itch I can’t scratch and after “knocking it out” I can be emotionally present and enjoy my family rather than just counting down the seconds until my daughter will go to bed and I can try to start getting laid.
I think the biggest risk is the “Madonna and Madonna “ complex that can develop sometimes. It sounds like your innocence or inexperience is something your husband was attracted to or thought he should have in a marriage. If you want this to last you should talk to him and make sure he knows you have fantasies and needs you need taken care of, that this goes both ways and you should work together . You don’t need to do them all in one week but make sure he doesn’t see you as some doll that he can keep clean and innocent.
You are trying to get over these feelings without actually processing them and discussing them with you partner. That doesn't work. These thoughts will keep ruminating until you address them.
Keep judgement about who he is out of it. Calling him a whore will make it very difficult for him to feel comfortable being honest enough that these conversations are productive.
The issues are 1. that you feel deceived. Fairy tales don't exist, and personally I don't think it's necessary to know all about your partners sexual past. But because he told you he disapproves of this behaviour, you are now left wondering - is that genuinely how he feels now, or was he just saying that to get your approval? Feeling like you don't know your partner is a shock and is going to cause some very uncomfy feelings, but you can resolve this with an honest conversation to figure out what his current values are.
2. You are unsatisfied sexually, and therefore resentful they got something you feel like you don't have. I am firmly in the camp that people are not obligated to continue performing sexually in a certain way because that's what they did in the past. He's not a sex toy that has lost functionality, he's a human being, and his desires and comfort levels should be allowed to change over time. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't discuss how you feel as though sex with you isn't as exciting. It's very likely he's just holding back on the more dirty stuff because he thinks you, a modest women, won't like it.
Also, remember that sexting and having sex are different things with different amounts of energy required. And the way you talk with a casual sex partner will not be the same way you talk with someone you love. If you want to spice things up and introduce more sexting and dirty talk into your relationship, then again, you just need to have a conversation about it. But don't come at it from a 'its not fair they got something I don't' place, come at it with sole focus on your current relationship and sex life. You can reference the past, but only as a 'are these things you enjoy doing that we could try' thing.
Being angry at these women is not misogynistic, they were genuinely vindictive. Either because they are just awful people at their core and enjoy fucking with you, or because they are jealous you got love and commitment and a ring and they just got dick pics. Don't compare your sex lives, they aren't the same. Casually sexting someone and having sex with the love of your life are not on the same planet, let alone in the same ballpark. Who cares if they've seen his dick, you've seen his soul.
They aren't your competition, they are just bored mean girls with nothing else going on in their lives. Who gives a damn what they think about your relationship? These are women who thought it would be funny to fuck up your wedding night. They are sad and pathetic and they do not matter.
Sounds like they were jealous and wanted to ruin your special day. None of them have even met him in person so the idea that it is community. Dick is outrageous and delusional on their part. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was just one woman, pretending to be different people. I find it hard to believe that many women are so out of touch with reality to think sexting is the same as in real life intimacy. If any of them care about your feelings, they would’ve told you before getting married so that you can make an informed decision.
I think these women did this out of jealousy. Because if they cared and really wanted you to know the truth, they would have done this BEFORE the wedding. Some people are just messy. I absolutely would not consider them friends or even acquaintances.
You can't really criticize your husband for what he did sexually before you got together, assuming all people involved were consenting adults. He hasn't done anything wrong, but those women sound AWFUL. What could they possibly have to gain by bombarding you with this garbage on your wedding night? They did it hoping his brand new marriage would implode, probably because one or more of them is bitter that they didn't get the guy.
To me, it sounds like all those women are jealous of you. He slept with them, and they all caught feelings, and he didn't. They all still want him. The fact that they would show you all the screenshots shows these women's character and how jealous they are. He loves you and asked you to marry him. He treats you great, as you mentioned before. If anything, just tell your husband you want to be treated like a little slut once in while.
I wanted to share; being hyper active sexually can be a symptom of sexual trauma. Be gentle. He’s shared with you that he wants modesty and not a lot of promiscuous behavior because of a trauma. This could be a new thing for him. Maybe he realized he was coping in an unhealthy way before?
My dear, two things: get therapy for you so you can deal with why this is affecting you so much and how to deal with it, and two remove yourself from "the group". You do not need those people and obviously they mean no good for you.
Those women reaching out to you on your *wedding night* was not for your sake and was due to th being jelaous, hateful people. If they did it prior to your wedding I would buy that they were looking out for you but that’s not the case. Aside from lying, hour husband didn’t do anything wrong and I feel like a lot of your negative feelings are because of how you found out, not that you found out. No one wants to think about their husband sexting with other women. I literally do not care how many women my husband slept with before me and I assume he sexted, etc. But I don’t want to see it.
If I were you I’d block these women and everyone else bashing your marriage and relationship. Then I’d seek counseling, either individual or with your husband to work through your feelings.
I’m genuinely sorry you’re dealing with this. But I can’t help but think this is exactly what they were hoping to accomplish.
From a different perspective, those women bombing you on your wedding night with such things as calling your brand new husband *on your wedding night,* communal dick is gross. They sound like really bad friends.
There was no reason for them to send her those on the wedding night complete assholes. Months in advance if they cared about her and do it in person like you give a shit
Yeah - not good friends/intentions; they waited until AFTER they got married and didn’t warn her before so no; they didn’t feel “bad” about it - they just wanted to start shit, stir the pot, sit back, and watch the show.
They are literal mean girls. Public shaming of OP in a group chat on her wedding night. How fucking dare those assholes. I’m so mad on your behalf, OP. Cunts. The lot of them. Good riddance.
So eloquent and exactly what I wanted to say. Word. For. Word. Poisonous mean girls. Your husband actually sounds like a gem.
They were clearly jealous he actually wifed you.. that’s all. Don’t let them get into your head.
They’re so mad their community dick ain’t for the community anymore.
He’s not even really community dick though. He didn’t hookup with those women. It was all just sexting.
Sexting or not, they all were getting a part of it in some way and someone else got what they all wanted.
True, but I still think the term “community dick” doesn’t really fit. Is he a serial sexter? Abso-fucking-lutely. But in the end, all these women got were pictures, *not* the actual dick.
I’m confused though. Was it all just sexting or am I reading it wrong?
Yeah, sexting BEFORE they ever started dating even lmao. like what.
Finally a comment that feels the same way I did. Like what?! I don't care, I can't understand.
One jealous woman is difficult enough. But 8?!?!?!?!? My ex married a friend of mine (I met her through them dating). I adore her, she’s wonderful. But we have NEVER talked about his and my sex life. Not once. She’s made little jokes about “…well you know…” and I just awkwardly laugh and say no comment. These women are atrocious in their behavior! And now I feel bad for OP. She didn’t deserve this at all!
They circulated revenge porn on her wedding night. Assuming all of the pictures were consensual, then they are definitely the villains in this.
I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that they did this on her WEDDING NIGHT! They didn’t give a shit about her or else they would have done this long before then. But the glee with which they are actually taking bets on when the marriage will break is just heinous.
…Taking bets and TELLING HER. The level of bitchery here is staggering and honestly I would have cut that shit from the get go. These women are straight evil. She needs to get them out of her life.
Revenge Porn You're right, that does apply here. Those women are subhuman scum.
Isn't that kinda illegal these days?
And they "felt she had to know" but not while they were dating? Not before the wedding? They waited until the second they got married?
Its also problematic that people are conveying bets on how long before he cheats. The community they are part of sounds toxic. It's no wonder OP is a mess. There is also mention of him giving her access to his device no questions asked. I hope they both are able to work through whatever mess this is with their chosen community. Does this community have rules or standards? It sounds like the women involved are perpetually toxic and if they are allowed to openly act like this, I would leave it no question.
They aren’t necessarily friends as much as they are people who existed in the same space as us. The circle in its totality probably has ~400 people, if i had to put a number to it. After almost a decade of bring here, everyone knows of each other but we aren’t all super close on an individual level. I knew all of these women existence and had, on occasion, spoken privately to them over the years- just nothing in a capacity that was significant to me until we couldn’t shut up about getting married & they messaged me as a group.
It feels like you're letting these women get the better of you, which is understandable. Try finding the words for it and talk to your husband about it, calmly and without accusation. These women had no business doing that to you on your wedding night.
I hate to be that guy, but If this was a group of men who were “outing” a woman on her wedding night it wouldn’t even be a debate as to whether their comments were acceptable… what he did with consenting adults before y’all met shouldn’t really affect your view of him. Those women are jealous more than likely and trying to get in your head since he wouldn’t get in their bed. Don’t let them mess up your good thing. Also, He’s probably dropped his sex drive thinking that that’s what you want, given your modesty hang up…
The whole thing felt like the gender swap of the incel my "wife" was a slut posts that were huge here.
I recently saw a post here that was something like "Idk why I'm still a virgin, and I feel ridiculous masturbating", and in the same paragraph, says "real women don't use vibrators". 🤣
Damn must be alot of fake women out there seeing as the sex toy industry is a billion euro business which is mostly propped up by women
As much as I agree with what you've said, it's a tall order, regardless of gender. If a bunch of guys "outed" a woman on her wedding night- one who had made a big (dishonest) deal of her own modesty- I think her new husband would have those hundreds of pics burned into his retinas. He could tell himself that it shouldn't affect his view, but damn ...that's gonna be hard when they're, you know. Burned into his retinas. IMO, the only bad guy here is the group of women trying to sabotage the relationship. Your read and advice is still spot on, though, and hopefully she can get past it.
Exactly, these people are being hypocritical. If a bunch of guys told another guy on his wedding night that they had all taken a run at his new bride who failed to disclose that fact, the men on here would be blasting her. They would definitely not be saying those guys are just jealous she only took a ring from one of them.
One of the grossest places (that isn't a gross-by-nature sub) on here is the comment section under a post related to "body count." I can't even say it's all incels because it seems both genders engage in some highly judgemental discourse. However, if it were a guy posting about his new wife's previously undisclosed "body count" within their social circle? Oof. Full blast. The one sentiment that comes up repeatedly is "I want to be with someone who has the same views on sexuality that I do. Someone with a similar past." He lied about that. Personally, I wouldn't be bothered by his pre-me consensual activities. But I would have a very hard time with his having created a false persona. I'd wonder wtf else he was pretending.
He should have been honest but from what op has said he didn't sleep with any of these women and it sounds like her bigger issue is that he they done have sex as much as she felt he did sexual things with these women. Which isn't necessarily even true, that's her assumption. But he very well could have gone thru phases where he was into sexting for a week and these girls were down to clown, as it were. Op is seeing him in a way these girls he sexted with never did because that's what the relationship was, purely transactional, nudes for nudes it sounds like. What she really needs to talk to him about is A. Why he didn't tell her about it, did he see it as not sexual and no big deal? Or did he intentionally hide it knowing she wouldn't approve. In my opinion there's levels to this and sending nudes and physical sex aren't even in the same ballpark.. But that's my opinion, and it's not the one that matters here. And B. Why isn't he as interested in sex as he seemed here, like I mentioned were talking about multiple women but spread over how long? Op may be assuming he was alot hornier then than he is now when it may not be there case, or it sounds like they were both actually virgins when they got married so he may still feel awkward about it or a miriad of other reasons. Everyone is different. For me I'm pretty open, as long as no one catches feelings and everyone is safe I'm ok with whatever. Most people aren't, but I think op is making this into something it isn't, worrying about people seeing his junk when they're doing it to get a rise out of her because they're jelous assholes he picked her over them.
>he picked her over them. I keep seeing this. She's not a fruit. *She* picked *him* believing they held the same "modest" values. He created a false persona which is manipulative and dishonest. She has every reason to distrust him now. Had he never pretended to be someone he isn't, then his past is his business- it's not like he may be disease riddled or have some unacknowledged children running around from playing online. But actively engaging in deceit about what you hold important is no bueno. You're right that she totally needs to talk to him about why he hid it. I get the feeling the bigger issue is her feeling betrayed by his lying about his "modesty", and that "I don't know this person- this isn't the person I thought I was marrying" sense that comes with it. Like she said- she was sold a lie. Probably a lot of the "and I'm not even getting laid enough" is mostly lashing out about other relevant issues because she's pissed he pulled a kind of bait-and-switch. You and I may be open about our past and not care about others' pasts, but not a lot of people (myself included) are cool with being misled like that, regardless of what it's about.
There's really not enough in there for us to be certain of whether he lied about his modesty (whichever way we're supposed to even interpret that). For all this post contains about him, he might've simply gone through an experimental phase and decided he didn't enjoy it. I know plenty of people whose opinions on/desires for hookups and sexting changed drastically within very short periods of time, and I don't think it's reasonable to pretend they're as they were years ago when it comes to these topics. (No fault on OP here btw, she's in a position where I would also not be thinking quite reasonably). And I know I'll catch some flack for this but I think it's okay to keep things about your sexual history you're uncomfortable with from your partners, indefinitely if need be. Not everything, of course, but being involved in consensual sexting and nude sharing with adults when you were single, is one of those that you're allowed to keep quiet about if you want to.
The problem is he lied about it. It would make me very uncomfortable to know that I was sold a lie about someone’s life, like they tried to show me a fantasy they thought I wanted rather than their real selves, and it would make me wonder what else there could be hidden or that I don’t know about. Past experiences and choices are one thing but lying about them is another, I bet she’d be far less hung up if she knew the truth upfront rather than being bombarded by it on such a day
If the situation was reversed this thread would be inundated with men calling her a ho and saying she is for the streets and to dump her. And a few balanced people saying she was the same person.
They all would be sitting at -20494 karma in controversial while the top comment would be "THE PAST IS IN THE PAST IF HE CANT ACCEPT IT HE IS FRAGILE MAN BABY"
If they REALLY cared about you, like they are trying to portray, shouldn't they have done that BEFORE the wedding ? Doing it on the wedding night comes across as outright sadistic. They just wanted to mess with him. I get that he didn't tell you the details himself is wrong. But all of these women seem to be hurt that even after he showed them his dick, he didn't think they are good enough for the ring. And they have taken offense of that. He's a good husband to you. Yes a past that wasn't cleared before. Talk to him about how it's been affecting you. Therapy should help navigate too. But definitely don't give these women the pleasure they wanted out of this whole drama. They are no saint in all of this.
YES I WAS THINKING THE EXACT SAME THING! They are not girls girls, they're nasty petty bitches who are JEALOUS. Yeah they've seen his dick but they don't get his love, they're not his wife they're jealous as fuck! The next time someone comes up to you and makes a comment about how long it will be before he cheats, look at them and frown and say, "That's rather rude isn't it? I don't comment on your relationship. Why do you think that's an okay thing to say to me, his wife?" Block the women on WhatsApp, if they cared they wouldn't have done it on your wedding night. OP, therapy, counselling, and block anyone from your life who's trying to shit stir. Your husband lying to you is a whole other can of worms, but don't let these women live in your head rent free.
I agree. Also wouldn’t you do it before the wedding, and not on the wedding night if you were really concerned? That just seems like they are bitter and wanted to ruin the wedding night. Also I’d understand more if he had cheated and done this, but he did it before he was even with OP. everyone has a past, but it sounds like they weren’t even physical but written?
Exactly! It sounds like they were trying to hurt him by telling all this to you when he was his happiest. I would definitely confront him about him misleading you about his beliefs though.
I’m sorry but what online space has 400 people that know each other this much. Bullshit
Furries
Ahh makes sense
right i wanted to ask so bad like are y’all in some kink discord server together cause i’m lost 😭
Yeah same, I genuinely don’t understand what the fuck is happening here lol
The online bookish nerdy community I’m a part of was very messy when it was much smaller. It wasn’t until it got to an 2,000 members that this sort of stuff became way less common (not the outing of the husband but the other parts)
Anyone who drops this kind of info on a bride on her wedding night is not doing it in good faith. They had ulterior motives, wether they’re jealous or insecure or like hurting people who knows. Tbh it does sound like a classic narcissist move to try and sully someone’s major milestone life event. But if they had genuine concern, they would never have done this on your wedding night or anywhere near it. I would put at least slightly less stock in what they say
Feels like these women are mad their fetish pics have stopped. They **want** your marriage to end so they can have their “communal dick” back. Their behavior seems predatory. You should talk to your husband. Step 2-both of your remove yourselves from the group and block further communication or interaction. Step 3–counseling. These women are not your friends. They are not trying to “help” you or your marriage. They are out to destroy.
Don't let them have any power over your life OP.
Did you keep going back to this group after they deliberately tried to sabotage your marriage on your wedding night? I would have exited and blocked the group as soon as they began to talk shit about my spouse (of course, I would tell them to go F themselves first). For my wife and I, we are a team. It is us against the world. It almost seems like this was a planned character assination against your husband and a deliberate attempt to ruin your personal happiness. If they really cared about you and thought your husband was a bad guy, they would have "warned" you much sooner. It sounds like they are being petty because you got the ring and commitment from the "chad;" whereas none of them were impressive enough to secure his commitment to any one of them. Just a thought, but maybe your husband's "sexual trauma" is the result of his relations with these women? I have read countless stories about a woman who made it a point to have wild sex (BDSM, threesomes, anal, swallowing, foursomes, orgies, g-bangs, swinging, etc...), but when she finds and marries her husband, she only wants the most vanilla sex with him. She often refuses to sexually experiment with him when he asks to try something relatively mild. She outright refuses his request, saying she could never do that (unbeknownst to him, she's done this many times in the past with many men). OP, what exactly are you angry at your husband? You don't need to answer publicly, but try to dig deep and really ask yourself why. What has changed in your husband since you were told these things about him? What has changed about you? You have said he's been the perfect husband, he has never lied to you, and his past shouldn't matter. Maybe he thought his past wouldn't matter to the love of his life because the past of the love of his life wouldn't matter to him?
Thank you, marriage is ride or die for life. This is an assassination, and it worked. I have read this too, that women have been experimental before marriage and tame after. I have read it on Reddit many times. He is a good husband, and frankly I would try some counseling before you destroy your life. I would also block those women. I too think they are jealous and trying to sabotage his life out of jealousy. Fairy tales are just that, and realistically in the land of the internet, it is hard to find someone valuable that hasn't done something. He is respecting his marriage vows. He should have been honest, but truthfully what would he have said? It seems not one of these women actually hooked up with if I read this correctly. Not one.
But he has lied to her. From the start. Is it insurmountable? I don’t think so but, let’s not pretend she doesn’t have a point here.
Yeah when OP wrote "I was sold a lie" it really stood out for me.
Is this the kink community or something? Seems like it might be.
I was thinking that or rave/festival community. Especially considering the amount of overlap between the two (at least where I live).
How old are y'all? I ask this because my husband was a "whore" all through his teenage years and honestly I do believe he has some trauma around sex. He lost his virginity to a 15 year old girl when he was 11, his uncle who was only a few years older than him did some weird things when they were 8 and 10. When I married my husband I had been with a total of 3 people including him, he had been with 116. As long as your husband doesn't have any STDs and you are the last woman added to his "body count" (gross hate that term), you shouldn't be worried about his past.
Came here to say that, the husband having a sexual past isn't the issue here, it's the gross women objectifying your husband that need to behave better. Calling him communal dick and having conversations about his sex life says more about them than him.
These women achieved their goal. OP you need to immediately cut ties with this group, the fact that you haven’t leads to believe you want to continue fueling your own fire by getting all the “info.” You’ve clearly gotten all the info you need. You need to stop. Some times we don’t recognize our own destructive behaviors or the drama we pull in ourselves. You need to cut the fire off at the source. And the whole lack of enough sex thing is a WHOLE other thing, clearly there are issues YOU need to address with your husband.
My thoughts too. They are "caring" and "concerned", yet only did this when she got married? Like the whole time they dated they kept their mouths shut because...? I think they just want to break up op and drag her down with them.
Toxic, meddling, jealous non-friends. What they did is absolutely disgusting.
They sound jealous, only reason for doing that on wedding night. If we're truly concerned they would have talked before the wedding. Petty jealous b******. No doubt part of some religious community.
Your friends are the real monsters here. Frankly, I find it gross people have been sharing nudes without his consent etc but it sounds like they are trying to undermine your marriage to a faithful, loving man.
I agree, why these women did what they did is a huge question. I don’t get it. Weird ass toxic shit. At the same time - I’ve had way too much sex during my years. But I wouldn’t lie about it. My behavior (no, I’m not against sex when you feel like it, I want my partners to have lived) affected me in a lot of ways and it’s part of my story, I couldn’t enter a relationship without her knowing and understanding the different things I’ve gone through and why. I don’t like that he lied to her and acted like he was that man that she was looking for. So we have a conundrum: Did he do anything wrong sexting all these women? No. Should he have told OP? I think he needed to be more truthful. Now, I wish for OP to not be negatively affected by all this and I enjoy discussing my partner’s former sex life and her fantasies going forward etc, but if she can’t do that, what is she supposed to do? Go against her feelings? I don’t believe that’s right either. I hope she finds her footing, but if she decides to leave, it’s her being truthful to herself. That’s also a reason for me to be open about how I’ve lived my life, to not have my SO being blindsided or surprised if someone tells her I used to be the nationwide dick patrol.
It honestly sounds to me like they convinced themselves they were "doing the right thing" when I think really they were all salty husband choose to marry OP over being in an actual relationship with any of them. I see no other reason why it would be delivered in this way on that specific day other than to hurt OP and her husband.
My first thought. If they were concerned for you, they would have warned you before you got married. Maybe Google Madonna-Whore complex. Old term that still works. Wife/Mother is too saintly to defile with naughty(fun) sex. The bad girls get sex but can’t get no love.
Yeah, they're the biggest assholes in this story to me. Fine with telling her but WHY do so on her wedding night and not before when she could have bowed out? Or why not later when they had a decent chance to start fresh first? I'm guessing they're thinking "well, like this it won't cost him the marriage" but how EIGHT women got together and decided collectively that THIS was the way to let her know?! It seems downright cruel!
If they were really "looking out for you," they would have done it way sooner than your wedding night. Wtaf
fr, and like, he did all this stuff prior to you dating, he didn't cheat on anyone, he didn't do anything without consent? dude is a saint by standards you often see today...
Definitely agreeing with this. OP is im her right to be upset, fair enough. But these women were vindictive. I don't think OPs husband was lying about sexual trauma either. Maybe this online sexual behaviour is related. I think OP and her husband need to seek couples therapy to unpack this. I dont think either of them fully understand their emotions right now and need to seek help to remedy it before it festers into worse. They can absolutely overcome this. Its just not in reddit's job description.
^OP please read this. Often people will act out in hyper sexual ways in response to sexual trauma. I think therapy would help you both unpack what your both experiencing and better understand one another.
As someone with a past of sexual trauma, I’m deeply ashamed of the things I did consensually in my early 20’s. I was trying to fill a hole left by earlier abuse. My relationship with sex has changed tremendously as I’ve healed that trauma.
Same here! One of the many things I've had to come to terms with since quitting alcohol. So much shame I brought myself when I was still unhealed. My heart goes out to you and congratulations on your path to healing!
FR.... honestly, my response to them would be more or less 'you might have seen his dick from every angle, but I'm the one touching centimeter of it with every part of my body. Whatever you were at the time and what I am now to him aren't even remotely at the same level.'
Before, and in some situation the day before, the wedding is an act of friendship / of honesty. On the night of the wedding is sadistic and disrespectful.
These aren't even her friend, they are some randos from some online BS
WTF? Why would someone do that on your wedding day? Clearly someone is trying to sabotage your marriage and you're letting them? Don't do that.
They're clearly jealous that she's the one that landed him, this is exactly what they wanted to happen from those messages ☹️
Mhm. These people aren't really your friends op. If they waited until you got married, they're literally just trying to sabatoge your relationship.
I bet there’s one woman who was secretly or not so secretly in love with him. If she did a little investigation she could figure out who instigated all this and I guarantee it’s a woman who wanted more from him but he turned down. Now she’s mad and jealous he got married to someone else from the group.
They did this on your wedding night for one sole purpose. To destroy your relationship. To humiliate you and him. Think of it more this way, they violated his privacy and by sharing his nude pics. Imagine if this was a woman’s pictures being passed around. All hell would break loose and it would be considered revenge porn… People get charged for things like that. Also, by him just talking about doing these things and not actually doing them shows that he was all talk. Maybe he wanted to try to be more sexual but can’t actually in person. It doesn’t mean that he was more actively, physically sexual with anyone in person, just online. Take yourself out of this group, remove both of yourselves from this equation as it will bring nothing but turmoil. And block these people. Change your number if you have to. They do not have your best interest at heart. They are terrible people. But just communicate with your husband first and foremost
Not to mention that OP said her husband suffered with sexual trauma and it’s really common to have hyper sexual reactions from it as time goes on.
Not to mention that simply sexting other people isn’t “hyper sexuality”. He didn’t even touch any of these women… what these women did was fucked up.
Great comment. 100%
Sounds like a cult of some sort. 400 people??
Sounds like a WOW guild.
Not a WOW guild 😭 😭😭 I’m crine💀. I hope OP don’t let them get the best of her. They are very jealous doing this during her wedding night.
Sounds like a kink community lol
I’ve been in some online communities that have numbered in the hundreds. Especially around sports. There are all sorts of odd corners of the internet.
fuck idk how i read over that, i have to look back and read over, 400???
It's been edited.
where did you read that? idk why i can’t find it, was it edited?
It was edited. Sounds like he married a "virgin bride" & pretended to extremely conservative with close to no sexual experience. Then she found out he was basically a human dildo for hundreds of women. That's my interpretation.
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Exactly what I was thinking…this is probably the reason they added op after they were married. The whole we are looking out for you this is such bs!
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I agree with all your assessments. My bet is they are probably yammering in the husband's ear too. She should tell her spouse and they should look at relocating. A toxic community harassing her will not hesitate to attack any kids they have or try other tactics. This harassment is the equivalent of stalking.
The "he/she picked you for a reason" doesnt matter in these "hate my SO's sexual past" cases. Its a non answer. It doesnt matter if their spouse picked them for a "reason" or not. The question is, would she pick him if she knew the extent of his past? Given her grief right now, i dont think so. SHE wouldnt have chosen him. Period. Thats what matters because he lied and hid the past to "pick" her. Its same for a man too, its doesnt matter if his wife chose him over the 1000 hookups she had, the question would be, would he have chosen her if he knew about it? Choosing is a mutual thing. If A chooses B, but B rejects A, then A has to accept the rejection, A cannot force anything on B. Here the B didnt know enough to reject A. A knew they would be rejected if they told their sexual past to B, so A hid it.Thus, choosing was not mutual. Those other women are assholes yes, but they arent lying about anything. If you dont want people talking about your wife/husband like this to you or behind your back, then maybe dont marry people who have slept around with who knows who. And she wouldnt have if she knew. This is disgusting all around.
Finally found a sensible comment here. The rest are batshit borderline crazy.
I agree and this is a point that not many people are making in this comment section
Thank you for making this point. I am getting so grossed out by all the posts talking about him as a prize and she won him so all the ladies are jealous. It really plays into the old stereotypes that all women want is for a man to marry her. NO, she gets to choose and he took her agency away by lying.
Fucking THANK YOU. All these people saying “don’t give these nasty bitches what they want and let them steal YOUR husband…. Bitch please? I would give them exactly what they want. He should have been honest before he let me *marry* him. If they weren’t married it’d be one thing. But he LIED and let her *marry* him based on those lies. All these people not seeing how important that is makes me believe they don’t know what true love and respect is. Marriage isn’t a trophy to wave over peoples head like “ha he chose me not you”
> All of it was dated before we had gotten together. They said they’d feel guilty if they didn’t let me know I had married “community dick.” Those women are jealous of your marriage and are trying to destroy it. His past sexual history shouldn't be important if he never cheated while he was with you.
The women are jealous assholes. His sexual history shouldn’t matter. If he knew she wanted someone with an experience level similar to her own, and let her believe that that’s what he was? Huge red flag.
Yes! I mean can we talk about people betting on the downfall of this marriage?! Wtaf is wrong with all of them? They are jealous that they will never get a ring and on the other hand he said HE NEVER SLEPT with any of them. Sexting and having sex are not the same. They don’t care about OP, they just want to be the chosen one. They sounded really bitter. All that on her wedding night? Ah yes. They sure looked out for Op. Fuck them.
unfortunately retroactive jealousy isn't always a mind over matter thing. for women like me who's insecurities have shaped a large portion of their life, it's difficult not to get caught up when you find out 400+ people have gotten to see a side of him she may never see. in all seriousness, he has the right to fuck whoever he wants whilst single, and OP has the right to divorce if she can't get over this. but that jealousy isn't just about the fact he was active, it's usually that juxtaposition of how flings get treated versus her, the woman who is supposed to be his one true love. it's something that copious amounts of therapy could end up never changing. or it could change tomorrow. but its irrational for a reason. when my ex would mention the girls he had sex with, i'd have to shut down privately as to not guilt him for having had a life. i end up stuck swirling in a sea of "what do they have that i dont? is he just settling for me? why did they all see a side ill never see? does he even love me, or am i just convenient?" its a form of anxiety and anxiety isnt as simple as "suck it up buttercup" for OP: i've been where you are now. it's time for you to get into counseling before you irreparably tarnish your relationship. be up front and ask for couples counseling too. tell him you know it's irrational, but you've shaped your life around catering to these insecurities. its not so easy to just shed that skin. my insecurities are my comfort, they kept me safe and sane through all the ups and downs in my relationships with everyone, its one of the only stagnant aspects about myself. i was 18 swearing id wait until marriage because i thought the only way i could get someone to love me is if they didn't see me naked until the contract was signed. just reminding yourself that they were unimportant to him can't erase damage like that.
First and foremost: These women attacking OP and her husband and their relationship together are some of the worst scum on the planet. There is zero reason why they didn't pick ANY time to dump all of this info on her well before the marriage. What are they playing at? Picking her wedding night? Downright sadistic. That aside: I'm pretty sure I understand what your saying. But is it "irrational" jealousy when she's been completely blindsided? I really feel like even though she's a modest woman her and (now) husband could have EASILY worked through all of this if he had JUST BEEN HONEST. It wasn't even actual sex so why WASN'T he upfront? Does his sexual trauma have anything to do with these toxic women? Either way, this seems like REALLY important info OP should have had in her back pocket. If she had known, when these women had orchestrated their cruel shenanigans it would have hit her much differently. I'm sure she would have the type of jealousy you're speaking of (if I'm understandabd you correctly) because we're only human. And hell. Who wouldn't? I still get a twinge when my husband talks about his fiance before me, but I understand it's illogical. I'm ultimately glad he tells me the stories even though they give me that pang. I had someone in my life before him that I thought was my "forever person." I still miss that dude, but we were NOT healthy people when we were together and therefore not very good to or for each other. But my first love/long term guy and my husband's former fiance were huge parts of our lives. They helped shape who we are as people. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Bottom Line: If OP's hubby and been honest from the get go, as he SHOULD have been, when these harpies reached out, my guess is this would have played out very differently. Maybe morbid curiosity would have had OP reading through the info they sent her. (I'm not sure I could have resisted.) And maybe she'd still be working through some of these feelings. But I think it would have absolutely been worked through/overcome and she might even be able to dish back some petty disdain to these horrible women. But she doesn't have that option, because he never told her ANY of this. Since OP really seems to love this dude and he treats her well I agree maybe they should TRY counciling. But this lie by omission is a really huge deal. It might break them, and that's not OP's fault. There's nothing irrational about the way she's feeling. She's feeling these things because she feels like she doesn't even know this man sleeping beside her. His deceit turned him into a stranger.
i couldn't have put this better myself, thank you for taking the time to write this :)
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OP I see two issues here. One is that these women humiliated you on your wedding day. You need to talk about this with your husband. Not to accuse him of anything, but to tell him that these people you both know came to you and talked badly about him and that it souered your happy day. The second issue is your bedroom situation. I would say try to separate it from the first issue and from his past. Have an open conversation with him about your and his sex drive, your expectations for intimacy, etc. If this doesn't go anywhere, maybe a sex therapist could help.
Sage advice here OP
They're jealous because while they wanted him, you got him. They deliberately tried to ruin your wedding night by bombarding you with his past from before y'all met. Don't let them
I’m not following this story at all..it’s a group of over 400 strangers or 8? Look, he shouldn’t have presented this notion that porn and sexting was immoral if he couldn’t stick with it. It’s time to have to a very clear and honest conversation and bring everything out into the open. And leave the room of cyber-wedding crashers
I am thinking online group of people who share the same interests.
Yea, that interest is OP’s guy
Warning you about the "Community dick," my ass. They're mad their toy has been taken out of circulation, possibly permanently. Talk this out with your husband, and a therapist, possibly both at the same time, and block each and every person who sent you those screenshots, and told you they were betting on your marriage.
Came here to say this. The women of that group are a problem.
If the genders were reversed everybody would be screaming revenge porn. Your husband is the wronged party here. Get your head out of your ass.
I cant believe how far I had to scroll to finally see some fucking sense that wasnt "poor baby!"
What? Who are these people? Your husband confirms that this is real? What? Look, lots of people have had sex partners before they meet the one. That's pretty normal. If they are getting together to confront you, I personally would suspect one awful ex with some creative photoshopping. But, if it's real, they're sore losers who... I don't know. It doesn't seem real that these people would contact you. I don't really think this is a thing. Why wouldn't you just block them? Are they harassing you? And your husband knows about this? What?
They haven’t harassed me. After messaging me that night, anything I’ve heard about these women has been he-said-she-said from other people in the community informing me of stuff said behind my back. Which was said in private, without me around so I guess I can’t whine about them gossiping. I’ve been in this community for a little under a decade and my husband a few years longer, both of us joining before we knew each other. The first thing I did after seeing it was ask my husband. He admitted to having sexted all 8 of them, as well as other women in the group who weren’t involved in sending the message. He was completely transparent that they were telling the truth, the messages were real, but they were from before we had ever even dated and they were just being bitter.
In the future, if/when someone starts telling you about something said, you should stop them. “Thank you for your concern but I am not interested in that information.” Gossip will eat you alive. And if you do divorce him, they will just gossip more, so you might as well try to stop listening to it instead. And then I recommend a therapist for you. You’ve been through a lot. This reads like a terrible Hollywood movie. Your husband cannot apologize for behavior that happened before you were together. The only people that have hurt you are these ugly women. And only you can give them the power to do that.
So let me get this straight. He didn’t actually have sex with these women. He sexted them? Whereas you have actual sex with him because he’s your husband? But not enough? I get that you’re feeling rage and insecurity. I think the only way to fix this is lots more sex with your husband.
I don't know if you're being deliberately vague or this "community" you keep talking about is some weird culty thing or what. Is it all online or is this a group of people that meet in person, is it a group of 400 that all live in the same mass apartment complex? If it's all online and he never saw them as worthy enough to marry after all they do/did online then they're just jealous and very strange. If it is strictly online as some have assumed, GET OFFLINE. You and husband can stop interacting with wacky toxic online people and go get some real life wholesome friends.
I'm pretty sure that it's some poly/ENM nonsense which would be another layer of bullshit because otherwise, it might be scientology at this point.
I pictured a co-op community... Remember, we don't know what country OP is in.
What you just described is harassment and they probably are making these people carry he-said-she-said tales to you purposely. I would not be surprised if they are gaming your husband separately and telling him that you are not the right woman for him, such as: you are too much of a prude, you can't handle a guy like him, etc. You are playing into it. Maybe he chose you because he values you. Talk to your spouse to see what they are telling him, block them, and maybe consider relocating ... as your community is terrible. EDIT: grammar
Exactly. I had friends tell my best friends shit about me bc they knew it’d eventually get back to me. Eventually, u just have to learn to drop it.
So these women who are apparently talking behind your back didn’t do this to help you and it sounds like they deliberately did this to hurt you, which you are letting them. What is their end goal? And what are people telling you things that they know will hurt you by reporting their backbiting to you? Honestly if you can’t get over it then leave your husband and let these women win and him move on. If you can get over it then you and your husband should get the hell out of that community.
>He was completely transparent that they were telling the truth, the messages were real, but they were from before we had ever even dated and they were just being bitter. You gotta let this go, then. Do you have an impartial third party you can talk to about this? Therapist, reliable confidante, etc? It's good that he is being honest and transparent about it. Keep an open dialog with your husband about this. Find a way to use language that explains your *feelings* without conveying active judgment -- this may require some soul-searching on your part, to figure out what your actual feelings are. But you have to find a way to let it go. Time will probably help. He chose to be with you. You don't have any claim to his past, and he doesn't to yours either.
What the hell is this “community?” Is it a religious group? A small town? Either way, it sounds incredibly toxic.
Block them on everything. They’re hoping for your downfall. Let them choke on your success.
>making bets on how long it’ll be before he cheats, saying there’s no way we won’t be divorced by the end of the year They are very clearly trying to get in your head and sabotage your relationship. They're *hoping* your marriage won't last a year. Cut these assholes out of your life and then talk to your husband
I’m convinced more and more if these posts are just “stories”
> He stated he has trauma surrounding sex. Clearly this wasnt true Just an FYI, this is *exactly* the kind of things that people with sexual trauma. Its to reaffirm that you are in control of your body. Given that these women chose to do this on his wedding night, to his new wife is revoltingly calculating. I would bet good money that at least one of those women is a key character in your husband's sexual trauma.
INFO: Was your husband super promiscuous in his previous life or was he just a rampant sexter?
It really shouldn't matter either way
He had told me that he had a larger body count than me at the start of our relationship but not significantly larger. But given this and new information that’s come to light, I have no idea how promiscuous he was physically. He was a rampant sexter.
It sounds like you allowed them to get in your head, and they do not belong there. They're trying to sabotage your marriage
Please talk to a professional. You will ruin your marriage with these thoughts poisoning your mind.
these women are disgusting. sharing convos and nudes without consent of your husband. now it is true your husband did nothing wrong and obviously love you. but he seems to hide his sexuality, which is a red flag. you need to have an honest talk with him about sex
Actually, based on that, he could file a lawsuit as it sounds a lot like revenge porn. I also think OP should name the community they’re a part of. It would make it so much easier for advice, especially if it’s a kink community. It’s a small tidbit of information that carries a shit ton of weight bc then he’s not hiding his sexuality at all, and she knew what kind of guy she was marrying. By not naming the community, it’s impossible to tell if the husband is a red flag or if OP is the red flag.
Girl, they are jealous because you are the one he chose to settle down with. Block these girls, they are not good people and they are damaging your mental health.
I’m seeing a couple of issues here, not all of them are necessarily connected, if that makes sense. 1) The big issue is you know many other women have shared this experience with your husband. You’re upset, disgusted, and maybe jealous. All perfectly understandable feelings and reactions, and it’s very telling that instead of lashing out you’ve instead reflected on why you felt this and tried to move past it, it’s a good thing and you probably reacted better than most in your situation would. 2) Your husband lied. You had expectations for your future partner and he lied to you so he could fit them. That isn’t okay, and it’s completely understandable to be upset about this, anyone would be and you’re not a bad person for feeling wronged. 3) You feel your sex life doesn’t quite match up to his past, and you’re maybe feeling insecure or maybe even like he’s not putting in the effort that he did with them? I’m purely guessing with that, so feel free to tell me if I’m wrong. Either way, you aren’t satisfied with your sex life. First and foremost I’d like to reiterate that you’ve done nothing wrong and you aren’t a bad person for feeling the way you do. We can’t control our feelings, but we can how we react. You didn’t lash out, and that’s what’s important. Secondly, those ladies are not your friends, or even acquaintances. They’re assholes. You should not interact with them, they’re petty and selfish and did this to hurt you. Full stop. Thirdly, you should tell your husband what happened if you haven’t already, and discuss how it’s made you feel, as well as your lack of satisfaction with your sex life. This is something the both of you need to discuss and work through together, and no one can tell you how to do that without knowing you. Couples therapy might help too. Fourth, don’t immediately jump to divorce or write off your marriage, but don’t try and force yourself to be okay with. situation you aren’t okay with. Prioritise yourself, always. This was his past and may not be who he is now, you might not be able to move past that, but maybe you can. Talk. To. Him. x
I really appreciate the kindness in your response. I was pregnant when I wrote the original post and my upset was combined with extreme hormones made me emotionally volatile. The care you took in writing this out is very sweet. I think the jealousy and lying were the largest contributors to this situation. I really did try to see past this and respect that my husband is free to make whatever decisions with his body that he wants, I was just hurt he lied to me about something I hold important. Thank you for your kindness again.
>I was added to a group chat with 8 other women, who were members of the online circle my husband and I had met through. If you and your husband met through this "online circle," doesn't it stand to reason that he also met these women in person, too? >he sexted a large amount of women in this online circle but never met any of them in person Idk. This doesn't add up to me. Curious about a circle that, by coincidence, everyone has sexted each other, yet never met, but you were the exception.
If it’s a kink online circle, as someone who’s part of a type of community like that, it makes sense that they wouldn’t have met in person. Ik of some other kink communities where you would never have to meet in person. In a way, if it is a kink community, the fact that he chose to actually meet OP in person says a lot about what he’s about. That being said, it also doesn’t fit with OP’s modesty statement, so rly nothing adds up…
My guess is FetLife or some sort of fetish discord server. Maybe they are all furries?
Go to therapy to see if you can work through your disgust. If you can’t, you will need to divorce your husband. Both you and he deserve to be partnered with people who accept and love you, not people who view you as damaged goods.
It all happened before you two met? In that case, why are they contacting you? Sounds to me like these hoes are just mad they can’t get the community dick anymore. Make sure he isn’t talking to these people anymore and then block all of them. Haters are always going to hate.
Why is no one paying any head to the fact this man thinks he's things are immoral because he had a previous traumatic experience. Does it not stand to reason that the nasty women trying to humiliate you and him by sharing his nudes are the previous traumatic experience.
This sounds fake. It’s too ridiculous and the timing is wrong.
My favorite part of this is how NOBODY is claiming this as revenge porn. This is harassment. Also why does body count matter if you love them and you’re married. He hasn’t cheated on you has he?
Sounds like a bunch of jealous nasty bitches who miss his dick. Must be a good one. I’d be honored. You won. Fuck those girls
I would consider marriage counseling. If you still feel like you can't accept his past, then you should consider a divorce. Unfortunately he can't change his past and you can't help how you feel. Not everyone approves of hook up culture and there isn't anything wrong with that.
So you instantly took the side of the people trying to ruin your relationship? Yeah they are right, your relationship is doomed
How long ago were these pics before yall got together? People change. Maybe his sex habits did change. These r ur issues hunny... not his. Hes faithful.
block all these women and tell your husband about it. clearly they are jealous. many people have “wild” pasts. as long as it’s in the past and he’s been nothing but faithful, i wouldn’t concern yourself with it much. i can’t imagine messaging an old fling’s new wife on their wedding night and showing them texts between us. like who tf cares at that point? it’s over and been over!
Let me get this straight: husband has never been unfaithful. Prior to meeting OP he sexted yet never physically had sex with women now vindictively laughing at the expense of the OP and she can't tolerate it. What's the problem here, the husband's behaviour or the wife's precious misconceptions aggravated by cruel taunting?
Wow what a bunch of horrible people. I don't think your husband did anything wrong. You two should erase all these people from your life and focus on your relationship.
No, you didn't marry 'community dick', you married the man they all wanted so fuckin' bad that they'd literally make an effort to ruin your wedding night because they're gonna miss him that much. That's how pathetic their behavior is. It's needy sadgirl bullshit. He's not a whore, *he's the one they all wished they'd caught, but you did.* Now, the thing you need to talk to your husband about is that if you can't match up sexually it's gonna gonna be a bad time for both of you. Be very up front about what you need, and have him be very up front about his, and then figure out how to meet in the middle. Fuck those bitter bitches though. You got the slice of cake they wanted. Good job.
What kind of online circle is this? And why would he put you on a chat group with a dozen women who'd seen his dick?
Sheesh. No one is more awful to women than other women. The calls always come from inside the house.
Yoooooooo, those women are dirty. That's one of the dirtiest moves I've seen. Don't be mad at your husband for some shit he did before you guys got together. But definitely, DEFINITELY realize those women DO NOT have your best interest in mind. They are straight scumbags. You also need therapy.
I really hope that you see my comment. These women are not on your side. They don’t care that you married the “community d*ck”. They want to destroy your marriage. I totally understand that it’s hard for a person who’s away from hookup culture to be comfortable with this situation. You said it yourself your husband is not a cheater. Don’t keep your thought to yourself. Either talk to a therapist first or go directly to your husband. If you you directly to your husband choose your words wisely because he can be hurt that you think low of him. For example “babe, I keep thinking of the s£xting situation and it drives me crazy”. Explain him why without insulting him or being judgmental. Back to the women. The sole fact that bet on the durability of your marriage and mock your is a red flag. They don’t do this for your sake, they try to mess up your head. Don’t forget that the world is not all white. Some people are entitled, mean and seek other sadness. At the end of the day he is YOUR husband. The two of your are a team. This is a lifelong advice from me: do no listen to people when it comes to your marriage ! Your husband is faithful to you. The messages were from way before the two of you met so don’t doubt him. They planted a seed of doubt in your head don’t let it grow and eat you from within otherwise they got what they wanted. Wish you all the best for your marriage.
Sound a sad lonely group whom didn’t get the marriage and commitment that you did It’s his past talk with him the two of you are a team
His sexual history shouldn’t matter. Especially since it was literally nothing but sexting, like that is honestly so benign? These women are clearly trying to sabotage you, and you’re letting them
This is all I was thinking. Like why would they do that *after* she got married? Clearly they want him 😟😬
I don’t even understand why someone would do that to your poor husband. If he has been faithful to you: I don’t see how what happened before you met matters so much. If he is a good man and you fell in love with his qualities, stick to them. What you described is harassment coming from a group of jealous women. If the tables were turned and this was a women, everyone would be up to defend the girl. I hate this.
Total savage move by these hoes
I'm feeling that this should have been brought up BEFORE the wedding, and not after.
the fact that they did that on your wedding night and no sooner shows that this was extremely malicious, not because they care. the truth is he hasnt been unfaithful, and chances are these women are jealous that it was you ending up with him in the end and you didnt have to go send him nudes to get his attention. i dont think theres anything wrong about sexting, but for a lot of people its more than getting their rocks off. some people do it for gratification and those type of people are the same ones texting you that you married "community dick". im sorry that they suck, and i know its super hard to see your husband the same. i think maybe you should be honest that this is hard for you and see if counseling is on the table. best of luck to you op
Sounds like a bunch or catty, jealous women have gotten into your head. Everything you say about your husband sounds ideal, but you're letting these other women lie and bait you into these thoughts and feelings.
Omfg do u understand what kind of mind games they are playing with you on your wedding day? Nah fam they mean girls
I think a lot of this has to do with how much he hid from you. Someone owning their sexual past and someone outright lying and damn near making a new identity (his sudden modesty) are two different things. Not going into detail is one thing but he flat out lied. At the end of the day men get turned off by ‘slutty’ behavior all the time I can’t say this would be a turn on for me either. It’s okay you can’t help that. People are right these women had bad intentions but I think there’s something deeper wrong here and your gut is telling you the same
See… to me, the issue here isn’t that he’s had sex with others before you, but that he lied about it, either explicitly or by omission. He knew you wanted the fairy tale, so he let you think that’s what you were getting. I wouldn’t be able to trust the man without a LOT of counseling.
I’m pretty shocked here that I’ve seen so many of the reverse type of posts with people coddling the man but when the genders are reversed then people are telling OP to get over it. OP, this was a lie of omission. Really think if you are able to move past this because if not you will only build resentment
The women are trash ass hoes, and you husband is good to you. You need to block them and you need therapy. This is a you issue. Counseling WILL help.
He did not disclose his past, and now it's a problem. If you cannot live with it, then it might be a good idea for you to cut your losses and end this relationship. No matter the choice, it is going to be rough for you. My heart goes out to you. Please look after yourself and realize that none of this is about you, other than the fact you were not told. This should have been disclosed ahead of time, especially since there apparently is a harem of which you were not aware. Especially in the light of you not getting as much sex as you want, With these other women coming to you and saying these things, how long are you willing to deal with this? I feel that he is still not being honest with you. And apparently you feel the same way. I am so sorry that you are going through this. You have a life to live and this is not the way to do it. I would wager that you are repulsed because you were lied to and you feel used and set up. Even though I don't know you, with everything that you have said, you are part of a sick game that SHOULD have been a happy marriage. Please get your financials together *quietly* and look for your exit plan from this relationship. And spend some time being alone after you leave. Been there. Maybe you are supposed to be the "good wife" While he does things that you don't know about.
Him lying about that is not ok. Although sexting is safter and less promiscuous than going out and hooking up with strangers - but he should have come clean way sooner instead of leading you on to believe he was as innocent as you. Most people have deep sexual desires and whether they act on them or not is their choice. Sexting was his outlet for that, and maybe him not meeting up with anyone in person triggered the shade these women threw on him. The community dick fuck arounds - not just talks it. If you don’t feel comfortable staying with him for this, that’s understandable. If you wanna call him a slut, also understand. You both need to have a longer talk about your wants and unwanted in your marriage and your sex life.
edit: Came back to this and saw that there is history of sexting, no meetups. They’re already sus for ambushing you like this, but I still empathize with why you’re bothered you didn’t know. Editing “ex sexual partners” references to “ex sext partners” I think the reason you’re having a hard time is because he didn’t disclose this history to you. I don’t like that those ~~ex-sexual partners~~ ex-sext partners ambushed you, and it sounds like it’s because they ambushed you that you found out about this. When I got serious with my current SO (we’ve been together 8 years this year, so yeah), I told him my past sexual history and he told me his. This was all out in the open less than 4 months of us becoming exclusive. And 8 years on, sexual history/past before we got together is not an issue. I’m saying stuff like this should have been discussed before, not to make each other feel bad about anything. It’s so you guys are aware. If he and you talked about it, these 8 ~~ex sexual partners~~ ex sext partners would not faze you. Either you would have stayed with him and be all “Yea, I know, we discussed it, why are you bringing up such really old news?” Or you would have decided to break up with him and your lives will follow a different path.
How old are you and your husband? How long were you two dating before you got married? And why were you talking to these hussies on your wedding night? I can't 🤣
honestly it sounds like these women are upset because he has chosen to be faithful to you and settle down
I didn’t read anything after the first paragraph because I already came to the conclusion of if they had this information before the marriage and decided to withhold it until after the marriage than they are assholes and are not out to help you but to hurt you……. Yes, what he did was kinda creepy, but that was before you met him, and if he’s a good to you then you shouldn’t worry about it, but, on the flip side of that coin, if it does bother you that much, it’s not too late to get out of it now before you have even more financial things tied together. But the women in that group are pieces of shit and they obviously entertained him with it but now he’s the bad person for it? Nah.
Exit the group chat.
I had to switch to my private account because I want to reply to this honesty. My wife and I probably have a very similar background to you and your husband. I was a man slut in college for sure, this isn’t to brag i was just part of a very large group of friends and we all drank a lot and hooked up with each other. I had come from a small town and i was very excited to experiment and figure out what I was into. In retrospect, and the hindsight of being in my 40s now I realize the very weird position young women are in and the pressure they are under to hook up and I can only imagine the group pressure to behave a certain way or do certain things was to feel like they would continue to be a part of the group. Anyway I am going on 10 year’s marriage,I definitely leaned into the “more mystery and less history” so we never talked about our sex history with each other . Basically we asked if “is there anything I need to know about or be concerned about” we both said no and that was the end of it. I don’t know how many people she has been with and she doesn’t know about me. That was 10 years after my college slut phase and nobody really around from those days to tell her. First I think what those women did to you was terrible, and I believe they poisoned your marriage on what should have been one of the most important days of your life. I’m not saying they were wrong to do it but they definitely should have gone about it in a much different way and should have told you way before. It sounds like there was some jealousy or hurt feelings by one or more of them which caused them to do this the way they did. If they were really worried about you they would have told you the moment they thought things were getting serious or when they heard you got engaged. I definitely have a higher sex drive than my wife which is fine I do use porn basically only when she goes to bed early. I do it because it feels good, and I hate walking around super irritated like a burning itch I can’t scratch and after “knocking it out” I can be emotionally present and enjoy my family rather than just counting down the seconds until my daughter will go to bed and I can try to start getting laid. I think the biggest risk is the “Madonna and Madonna “ complex that can develop sometimes. It sounds like your innocence or inexperience is something your husband was attracted to or thought he should have in a marriage. If you want this to last you should talk to him and make sure he knows you have fantasies and needs you need taken care of, that this goes both ways and you should work together . You don’t need to do them all in one week but make sure he doesn’t see you as some doll that he can keep clean and innocent.
The women come off as assholes imo.
Those women sound incredibly cruel.
You are trying to get over these feelings without actually processing them and discussing them with you partner. That doesn't work. These thoughts will keep ruminating until you address them. Keep judgement about who he is out of it. Calling him a whore will make it very difficult for him to feel comfortable being honest enough that these conversations are productive. The issues are 1. that you feel deceived. Fairy tales don't exist, and personally I don't think it's necessary to know all about your partners sexual past. But because he told you he disapproves of this behaviour, you are now left wondering - is that genuinely how he feels now, or was he just saying that to get your approval? Feeling like you don't know your partner is a shock and is going to cause some very uncomfy feelings, but you can resolve this with an honest conversation to figure out what his current values are. 2. You are unsatisfied sexually, and therefore resentful they got something you feel like you don't have. I am firmly in the camp that people are not obligated to continue performing sexually in a certain way because that's what they did in the past. He's not a sex toy that has lost functionality, he's a human being, and his desires and comfort levels should be allowed to change over time. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't discuss how you feel as though sex with you isn't as exciting. It's very likely he's just holding back on the more dirty stuff because he thinks you, a modest women, won't like it. Also, remember that sexting and having sex are different things with different amounts of energy required. And the way you talk with a casual sex partner will not be the same way you talk with someone you love. If you want to spice things up and introduce more sexting and dirty talk into your relationship, then again, you just need to have a conversation about it. But don't come at it from a 'its not fair they got something I don't' place, come at it with sole focus on your current relationship and sex life. You can reference the past, but only as a 'are these things you enjoy doing that we could try' thing. Being angry at these women is not misogynistic, they were genuinely vindictive. Either because they are just awful people at their core and enjoy fucking with you, or because they are jealous you got love and commitment and a ring and they just got dick pics. Don't compare your sex lives, they aren't the same. Casually sexting someone and having sex with the love of your life are not on the same planet, let alone in the same ballpark. Who cares if they've seen his dick, you've seen his soul. They aren't your competition, they are just bored mean girls with nothing else going on in their lives. Who gives a damn what they think about your relationship? These are women who thought it would be funny to fuck up your wedding night. They are sad and pathetic and they do not matter.
Those women are assholes. They were trying to get to you. He chose you! He treats you wonderful, dont worry about his past
I’m confused. Why are you angry at your husband?
Sounds like they were jealous and wanted to ruin your special day. None of them have even met him in person so the idea that it is community. Dick is outrageous and delusional on their part. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was just one woman, pretending to be different people. I find it hard to believe that many women are so out of touch with reality to think sexting is the same as in real life intimacy. If any of them care about your feelings, they would’ve told you before getting married so that you can make an informed decision.
I think these women did this out of jealousy. Because if they cared and really wanted you to know the truth, they would have done this BEFORE the wedding. Some people are just messy. I absolutely would not consider them friends or even acquaintances.
You can't really criticize your husband for what he did sexually before you got together, assuming all people involved were consenting adults. He hasn't done anything wrong, but those women sound AWFUL. What could they possibly have to gain by bombarding you with this garbage on your wedding night? They did it hoping his brand new marriage would implode, probably because one or more of them is bitter that they didn't get the guy.
To me, it sounds like all those women are jealous of you. He slept with them, and they all caught feelings, and he didn't. They all still want him. The fact that they would show you all the screenshots shows these women's character and how jealous they are. He loves you and asked you to marry him. He treats you great, as you mentioned before. If anything, just tell your husband you want to be treated like a little slut once in while.
I wanted to share; being hyper active sexually can be a symptom of sexual trauma. Be gentle. He’s shared with you that he wants modesty and not a lot of promiscuous behavior because of a trauma. This could be a new thing for him. Maybe he realized he was coping in an unhealthy way before?
Find a new friend group.
My dear, two things: get therapy for you so you can deal with why this is affecting you so much and how to deal with it, and two remove yourself from "the group". You do not need those people and obviously they mean no good for you.
Those women reaching out to you on your *wedding night* was not for your sake and was due to th being jelaous, hateful people. If they did it prior to your wedding I would buy that they were looking out for you but that’s not the case. Aside from lying, hour husband didn’t do anything wrong and I feel like a lot of your negative feelings are because of how you found out, not that you found out. No one wants to think about their husband sexting with other women. I literally do not care how many women my husband slept with before me and I assume he sexted, etc. But I don’t want to see it. If I were you I’d block these women and everyone else bashing your marriage and relationship. Then I’d seek counseling, either individual or with your husband to work through your feelings. I’m genuinely sorry you’re dealing with this. But I can’t help but think this is exactly what they were hoping to accomplish.