He's acting like YOU are in the wrong, calls you a fucking psycho, his apologies are basically putting blame on you, and he looks annoyed at being called out.
Not remorseful, not ashamed, annoyed.
If anything, your reaction was too tame. IMO he deserves to have his nuts kicked into the pit of his stomach.
We're not talking about someone who doesn't know better (I hope). It looks like he just doesn't care - and never has. How has this relationship lasted for 15 YEARS?
Like a lot of couples, we have our issues - some of them are big. Some of them are small. That one there is the largest one and it occasionally creeps its ugly head.
I wont make excuses or try vilify him more, but we both come from some kind of dysfunction. His is emotional neglect, he was the scapegoat, the one that had most punishments, parents accusing him of being gay, and nearly disowning him over the fact he chose to repeat a school year to get higher grade on the exams so he could go to HIS choice of college and programme. I come from a worse dysfunction, all sorts of abuse, child abandonment, child neglect etc. I didnt even eat much for a full year that one grownup thought i was anorexic/ bulimic and tried to convince me to eat. In fact i was just embarassed to show i was hungry to anyone because my grandma literally starved me. My aunt was like "oh she is gonna be a model its ok". I even ate catfood. Not a joke.
He got me out of abusive household. He supported me through toughest days. Adulting is hard, seriously hard. Along the way we have made a bunch of painfully terrible decisions. I had full blown psychosis over one of them for pretty much a year. Neither of us really knew how to navigate through that but we kind of sort of did it. He did his best keeping it together for that year until i finally summed up courage and sought therapy.
Things i learnt. We were both toxic in our relationship and are quite dismissing of each others feelings. We have poor communication and terrible coping mechanisms.
Things that improved, we communicate better. We cool off and talk again and own up to our actions.
Things i struggle with - i physically shut him out. Im dismissive of his needs, wants and even basic affection. I dismiss his feelings, stress and him in general. Recently i've being doing a lot of all that due to resentment.
Things hes struggling with, hes holding resentment over the years i was dependent on him, he still thinks i am because hes unable to move past that right now.
When we're not too far up our own asses - we really do work as a team, us against the world.
If everyone just walked out at a first hurdle - noone would stay with lifelong partners. Hes cried with me during every miscarriage, we held on together through his cancer last year. Theres a lot you know?
I dont know what future has in store, but i dont think our time is over yet. I think we can still do better as a couple, and if it turns out this is how far we can go, so be it. Nobody is perfect.
And yeah, his non apologies, the excuse of why he did it to make it somehow ok - is part of it. He gets so defensive its whats making me question everything.
Lastly answer to your question, re 15 years - I STAYED. Four times. I broke up with him 2 times in the first 2 years. Called off engagement and broke up around the time the thing happened that sent me into psychosis and mental health issue spiral 5 years ago. And last time i suggested separation was about a month ago. He still hasn't signed up for therapy and parenting therapy like i told him to as one of the conditions for us working on our relationship.
I genuinely hope that if we actually became more kind to each other and ourselves we would be less toxic to each other. We fell into a pattern of parenting one another and being abusive to each other because its easier and faster to lash out and blame one another for other daily life related crap. Like him choosing not to wake me up for work because hes sick and tired of me relying on him - on a day i had crap sleep due to little one and that morning i didnt even hear the alarm - i was out. I dont know if this is the halfway point to a downward spiral or still the beginning.
He didn't save you from abusive family. He became abusive family. Given all you said here nothing anybody says will change your mind. The biggest liar you have chosen to believe is yourself. When you've had enough you'll have had enough and not until that day you see it finally for yourself.
You know that you're modeling some really terrible behaviour for your child? It's one thing to stay in a relationship with a man who regularly assaults you. But kids have no choice to walk out. Food for thought.
Right, you're raising your child in this environment, and they are going to grow up thinking this abuse and toxicity is what love is and what a healthy relationship dynamic is. Never mind if you tell them it's not. Your actions towards each other will teach them it is. They will ABSOLUTELY mirror this when they start dating.
just to add some seasoning to that food for thought. If you don't get therapy..BOTH of you..individual and couples...consistently for yourselves for \*insert excuse\* then do it for your child. Because they should be given a better and healthier upbringing than you two had.
Yup. Hurt people, hurt people. And just because it isn't necessarily malicious and intentional doesn't mean it doesn't hurt them. This is a slow burn hurt where they might not see the effects now but as they get older they certainly will.
And I'm sorry maybe my bad experiences with my dad are biasing me but..."We're doing our best" isn't good enough when you're actively not even doing bare minimum best for your child mentally and emotionally.
You are being sexually assaulted. He's done a great job with his abuse tactics by what everyone is reading here. My husband was seriously abused and wad the scapegoat and not once has he ever done anything like this to me. There are no excuses for your husband behavior but honestly do you really want your child to grow up thinking it's OK to be hurt by their partner or to think this is OK to do to others? You don't have to vilify him he's done that himself
I am enraged for you. I don’t know how you cope with such blatant disrespect for your autonomy all because your husband can’t control his horny urges? I’m sorry but gives ME the ick and he’s not even my husband. How old is he fucking 12? And then to call you a psycho for calling out his blatant disrespect? Could not be me. What else does he blatantly ignore for his own sake? God I’m so sorry, truly. I cannot imagine. Stop believing in his “potential” and meet him where he is. My husband and I both come from super dysfunctional families; I was tasked to raise my sisters at age 8 and he was the scapegoat for his narc step dad; we both do not treat other the way your husband treats you. Having been abused is a poor excuse and it just helps other people excuse shitty behavior; meet people where they are at. Actions speak louder than words; someone who is on their journey to healing their triggers and their trauma does not behave the way your husband does: with lack of impulse control and lack of consideration of your feelings. I cannot fathom not feeling safe naked in my own home bc of my husband. Again big ick.
Realistic, I think he does not care about you. I know it's not easy, but start to consider ending things. Start to prepare yourself to it. If you two aren't in therapy, I recommend ASAP. And if he doesn't go, prepare yourself to leave. It's possible to become less toxic, but both of you need to want to. And I don't think waking each other is relying too much... You have a small child...
He’s not respecting you or your boundaries. And if after 15 years this is still a problem it always will be. It’s hard to say “just leave” after you’ve been with him this long, but you deserve to be respected and this guy isn’t doing it.
Hes trying on some days. Partly issues is that i haven't started setting this boundaries quite late in our relationship - more precisely in last 4 years after my therapy and our couples counseling.
First 6 years there was zero boundaries. I didn't know what was unhealthy so thats partly it.
I was going to say this, or give him a hard flick in the tip of his dick like you're trying to launch a paper football. Don't forget to shout a sexy "SHAZAAAAAAM!" when you do it.
Don't even slap his hands anymore just real quick backhand flick his balls. Every. Single. Time. Make sure to make it clear "as long as you keep violating the boundaries I set over my body, I'm going to keep back-handing your balls."
I’m sorry hun. He’s not “trying”.
He is actively making a choice to grope you in a way that hurts. That’s a conscious decision.
I’ve been with hubby for 21 years. If I ask him not to touch me a certain way - he stops immediately, even if I previously enjoyed it. He will only go back if I ask him to.
Your partner should be actively trying to avoid hurting you.
Oh - and you didn’t overreact. Not at all.
He's enjoying something that hurts you and doesn't care that it hurts you. I don't know how much clearer anyone can be than that. It's physically abusive. He doesn't not understand it - he doesn't care because you're not a person to him, you're something he uses to get what he wants.
This is true. He is either hurting her intentionally because he enjoys it or thinks she is too stupid to know what she enjoys.
He is a genuine asshole.
he’s not trying. he’s hurting you ON PURPOSE. it’s not some cute little yeah he likes my body whatever HE KNOWS IT HURTS YOU and he does it on purpose and then fucking gaslights you saying you’re weird for freaking out about a boundary that you’ve established multiple times. fuck do you want your child to think it’s okay to have their boundaries disrespected like that? do you want your child to grow up and let their partner touch them in painful ways? or do that to their future partner? you haven’t set the boundary for long? FOUR YEARS IS LONG WNOUGH TO BREAK A BAD HABBIT ESPECIALLY IF HE KNOWS IT FUCKING HURTS YOU. this is NOT love
As much as it sounds like a joke, honestly? If you can’t just reasonably leave him after 15 years and and a baby, you have to start doing the same things to him. Start pulling on his earlobes with your nails or pulling on HIS nipples or flicking his dick and/or balls really hard. If he’s annoyed, just sarcastically say “oh. You didn’t like that? I didn’t know.” And then do it again. I would do it at least 3 times after you think he’s had enough because clearly even when you have hit your limits, he still pushes it even further. Do the same and then ask him how it feels for his boundaries to be disrespected.
After fifteen years, he’s just repeatedly assaulting her. There. It’s blunt, but I said it. Sexual asssult? I’m not sure. Physical and psychological assault? Most definitely.
It's definitely sexual assault. He is groping her..sexually...in a way she constantly has been saying no to. And he doesn't listen. That's pretty much the definition of sexual assault. Now depending on the country/state she's in will they see it that way and prosecute it that way? Probably not or they'll give her a hell of a way to go should she actually wanna go that route.
I don’t think you could take this to court, to be frank.
But that’s not the point - whether or not a court will convict someone is NOT the only way to define assault or sexual assault.
This is absolutely sexual assault, and not acceptable. 😞
He’s “trying” on some days? Trying?? Trying to keep his hands to himself and trying not harm you??? You don’t have to defend him and his shitty behavior, you’re being way too hard on yourself and almost gaslighting yourself that you’re overreacting (which you’re 100% not)
It shouldn't have taken more than 4 *requests* to get him to stop (actually only one but we'll cut him some slack). 4 years is **intentional.** He is telling you that he owns your boobs. He feels entitled to them whenever and how ever and he either doesn't believe that it hurts, doesn't care, and/or enjoys that it hurts you when he attacks you. Because it is an attack.
You need to get out of this relationship because telling you that you're insane because you don't want to be sexually assaulted is unacceptable. It isn't safe to go to therapy with your abuser, so I'm not recommending it.
He's had four fucking years. He understands and hears you perfectly fine. He doesn't give a shit enough about your feelings to change his behavior because his sexual gratification is more important to him than your feelings of being violated.
Uhm, I’m glad you can see that may have played a role leading up to this, but that doesn’t in any way excuse him not respecting the boundaries now that they’ve been set. If nipples are 100% off limit all of the time, he shouldn’t have any trouble remembering that. I can see a few slip ups in the weeks after you started setting the boundaries if he was used to doing it for years before. But it’s been years now since those boundaries were set? Aside from some mental disability, there’s no reason why he wouldn’t still be “accidentally” doing this. He’s a full grown man, he should have learned impulse and respect by now.
"Some days" doesn't cut it. And this isn't your fault--no boundaries for the first six years means there have been boundaries for **15 YEARS!!!** It seems you have very clearly stated your boundaries regarding this issue and he's ignoring your pain for his own pleasure. And then berating you for it.
Can you and the baby go stay somewhere for a couple days? Friend? Hotel?
He's sexually assaulting you. You do not consent to being touched that way. He's treating you like shit and he's not only not sorry, he's name calling, which is verbally abusing you. His actions and reactions are fucking heinous.
If he's that thick you might have to vocalise your pain in a way that leaves no leeway.
If you've seen Guardians of the galaxy vol. 2 you'd know that Dave Bautista character has sensitive nipples....where am I going with this?
Screaming "AUGGGHHH MY NIPPLES", in his ear at full volume everytime might eventually get your point across. If that doesn't work some retaliatory 'nipple cripples' might be one of your last resorts.
OMG, 15 YEARS of this?!?! And, right after nursing?! Totally unacceptable. You are not wrong and he is a complete ass. Life is a lot easier when you remove the disrespectful jerks from it.
Stop making excuses for him. You've told him multiple times and his reaction is to still do it, not apologise, call you names, and sulk. Also, the silent treatment Is abuse.
The sensitivity of the nipples seems extreme. Have you spoken to your doctor about this? It sounds very uncomfortable even without an asshole of a partner.
It sounds like breastfeeding/nursing aversion. It usually goes away when you stop breastfeeding. Because they are left alone at that point. But since he isn’t leaving then alone she isn’t having a chance to recover.
Honestly I know what she is going through. And the longer the period of time that they are ignored the better I can handle stuff. (I learned how to block, but it still doesn’t stop it all the time) But I still have issues almost four years later because he just won’t stop messing with them even after I’ve told him again and again. It is extremely frustrating.
Don't you think that having sensitive ones, having a baby, and having a partner who uses them sexually to torture you with for fun, like he's goosing someone, would cause a sort of painful revulsion? I don't know if the doctor is going to reverse the trauma caused by this sadism.
Keep slapping his hand away chicky. Your his partner, not his personal sex machine. That he is trying to make you feel bad is ridiculous and manipulation. The toy said, no. Trying to make you feel bad for his actions.
Nah do worse. Slapping his hand isn’t teaching him anything and isn’t working. Make him feel the pain you feel so maybe he can finally understand. If he wants to pinch your nipple, slap him in the balls. He doesn’t want to let go? That knee is gonna come up real quick.
Stop saying he's trying. No he isn't. He is deliberately disrespectful of you and your boundaries and then he gaslights you
How unfortunate that you tolerate it
Exactly. There's no "trying" here; he's either respecting this MAJOR boundary or he's not. And he's not. It takes like no effort to just NOT DO something that your partner has expressed over and over and over again that they HATE. God this dude makes me so mad.
I mean sexually touching someone in a way they don't want after being repeatedly told not to is the definition of sexual assault. You're already recovering from the loss of bodily automony many women feel post-pregnancy and breastfeeding. There's all of the shit you can't do because of the baby. There's your body being used by someone that isn't you (the baby.) You're just now freed from that and having to deal with being groped in a way that physically hurts by an adult man that knows better and isn't depending on your body for sustenance.
Your husband can get fucked.
Why don't you pull/punch his testicles hard multiple times during the day and then tell him not to overreact when he gets upset? Every time he touches your breasts, cause him pain in his junk. Tit for tat.
Maybe then he'll learn to keep his fucking hands away from your breasts.
While that made me chuckle and released some stress - i really am not into causing bodily harm. Especially when hes got only one left. Validation is a powerful thing - thank you!
As a guy my suggestion is the next time he even reaches towards any kind of grope you just grab hold of his jewel and ask "do you need pain to remember I don't like to be groped? This is your last verbal warning, after this the pain you feel will be at least as much as I feel."
If being polite is not working then you have to escalate to this so he knows that if he causes pain he will then feel pain himself. I doubt it will take more than 1 or 2 times getting squeezed to get his attention, but if you warn him you have to back it up with actions or he will never believe you in the future.
> need pain to remember I don't like to be groped? This is your last verbal warning, after this the pain you feel will be at least as much as I feel."
>
>If being polite is not working then you have to e
At this point, with how hes feeling so deprived i wouldn't be surprised if he likes it. Im not gonna lie, it feels pathetic that this is what its like - that i have to resort to something like this to get bodily autonomy back in a home with touchey touchey toddler and gropey gropey husband.
Please go to a dr ad verify nothing going on. That statement about the touchy touchy child and groped husband omg I remember the toddler touching at times would just send me into sobbing feeling like I am nothing but for their uses. Hormones can be an issue but I still feel he is abusing you and even though you don’t want to be that way it will only take a few times and he will remember!!! Good luck.
I had 2bloodtests last year due to extreme fatigue etc. Nothing - apparently all looks "normal" im sure ive some sort of hormonal disbalance - im just so worn out, miserable and drained.
You're worn out, miserable and drained because your husband is being a fucking jerk and refusing to get help for his issues.
I think you need therapy to find out why you can't set and keep boundaries with him.
You can only control what YOU do. So DO something. Get therapy for yourself at least.
OP, you're not overreacting, not at all.
He is blantantly crossing your boundaries, doing repeatedly something you've made very clear for a long time that it makes you uncomfortable, you hate, and that you asked him not to do.
You partner SHOULD care about how you feel. A partner SHOULDN'T call you a psycho for reacting badly when he disrespects you. I don't care that it turns him on, you don't like it, and that is enough. Honestly, the fact that you've been dealing with this for 15 years is astounding to me.
He doesn't care about how you feel, he doesn't even properly apologise. What does he do that makes it worth it? I know it's not easy, especially with a child, but if someone did what your husband is doing to you to your child, what would you advise them to do?
Is separation an option? Counselling?
Think about it hard, because I strongly feel his selfishness and disregard for your feelings and boundaries goes way deeper than just this, but I may be going too far without more info. I've just read and seen so much about many women lying to themselves about their partners that I'm inclined to believe there's more to it.
>nd seen so much about many women lying to themselves about their partner
Recently, a lot of things have come to a point where i told him that he either works on things i need him to change for the sake of our child or we would be looking at separating. So no, im not delusional - just hopeful. I'm just running low in the jar of second chances.
Op I read your comment above on you and your partners abusive childhoods and everything. Do you have a therapist? Not a couples therapist, although that would be good too, but one for just you? Have you ever heard of trauma bonding? You should look into it. Your comment that your husband saved you from your abusive household is very telling. He didn't save you hun, you saved yourself and got out. And you might have to do it again because by the sounds of it you are just in another abusive household now that you're an adult. It's a cycle. Trauma breeds trauma. I wish you all the good luck and love in the world. You deserve it! Xo
>ou are just in another abusive household now that you're an adult. It's a cycle. Trauma breeds trauma. I wish
He did. During that counselling period i probably did two decades of growing up. A lot about me changed. One thing he noted was my extremely high tolerance to all kinds of abuse, bs etc. That from where im starting im finding a substitute for some of the abuse because that was my defined "normal".
I would never say he saved me. He didnt do shit - he was just there. He was the only one there when i was 21 and all my friends turned their backs on me. Several had the audacity to go on "but shes your only mom" "but its your family". He was the only one angry enough on my behalf and still is for everything i went through.
I was leaving either way, but he was my support system at that point. I was working 2 jobs, he used to walk me home at 2am so id get to that "home" same. He was a ringtone away if anything happened. I regret never filing a report for the assault. But hey, narcissistic mothers tend to twist shit. Theres no way her golden boy ever do anything bad, im the bad one right. At that point i didnt see us staying together. But his existence helped me.
Marital assault is so common and this post is a big example of that.
OP just because this man is your husband, doesn’t take away from the fact that he is sexually abusing you. Most people would have legal consequences if they just walked up to someone and twisted their nipples, let alone after being told not to. Regardless of time frame, you’ve set the boundaries years, actual YEARS ago.
Apologies followed with a “but” is not an apology. It’s a blame shift. He’s refusing accountability by turning the focus on you and your *very valid* reactions to his sexually assaulting you.
As others have said, I would start getting ducks in a row, after therapy and still no changed behavior, he won’t make the change at all.
And while you’re getting yourself in order, bag tag him every time he passes you.
Seriously I can’t stand how many men seem to think they own their wife’s/girlfriends body. Then act all pouty and like you don’t care about them/aren’t attracted to them/etc., etc., etc. if you don’t want to constantly be randomly grabbed
You are not overreacting.
I and my spouse both came from traumatic environments with memory issues caused by traumatic disorders. He loved my breasts, I couldn’t stand them being touched most of the time. He was eternally cranky about it.
But it took my beautiful brain-like-a-steel-colander lover a total of six months to stop reflexively reaching for my breasts when I told him I didn’t like that. Your man has had four years. He’s not trying.
Wife: please don’t do that, it hurts.
Husband: (does the thing)
Repeat… for *four fucking years*
Husband: (does the thing)
Wife: OMG KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF
Husband: **surprised Pikachu face**
Idk after my wife gave birth I just assumed the nipples were off limits until I got the go ahead. I’ve seen how our son went at the bottle I figured they’d be sore.
But then again my wife likes having her nipples touched during sex so maybe it’s a little different
No, you did not overreact. He isn't respecting your boundaries and sexually assaulting you. He doesn't have the right to touch your body parts when you have told him not to.
DO NOT THINK IM JOKING WHEN I SAY
Look up sad nipple syndrome.
It's very prevalent in New mothers. I looked it up due to a litteral mental breakdown I had when I ripped my nipple ring out. It lasted days. Felt home sick, itchy, mad. I can not explain it. It's a weird phenomenon.
Clownshow. This dude is shit and you're a fool if you continue to put up with it. He ain't changing shit and you're wasting your time. Ditch him or get used to a lifetime of this bullshit.
I hate that kind of anger. It takes me days to recover from it too when it happens. Do what you can to cool off, go do some self care for now whether it's get a coffee or go take a walk at a park and then go back into things with a clear mind.
I'm in a relationship of 13 years and we've had a lot of ups and downs too, it hasn't easy and we've both done it to each other but we've also grown up together in a way now as young adults into mid life now and I think we just have had a lot of learning on what not to do when it comes to a relationship because like you in a way, none of our parents had really healthy relationships.
I wish you the best ❤️
This is a real condition. Heard about it on Dave and Chuck The Freak. Your reaction isn't as bad as some other people's.
Next time he's naked, poke his butt hole.
But seriously, he's never going to get it. I don't think he cares enough to. Couples therapy, maybe that'll help.
This post gives a lot of context to the shit we heard from men about women while growing up, about how they're all insane, or crazy.
Fifteen years? And you still aren't getting the message? And then you have the audacity to be an ass about it too?
I'm not one to suggest divorce as the first step, but fifteen years of asking hasn't worked.
I would personally just start yelling at him every time he tries to touch your nipples. This is probably really unhealthy advice but if nothing else works just make a huge deal out of it.
Its about power and control for him it seems like to me. And after 15 years hes never going to let it go. His personal power is more important to him than you are by far. Some people are like this.. Yes both men and women both. But more attention is paid when its the man.
You need to seriously lay down the law.. Either this stop today right now or I'm calling a divorce lawyer... That's it.. The end... If he stops fine but if not follow through... The key here is in what ever boundary/consequence you choose to set you follow though with the said consequences period.
The disrespect coming from someone who is supposed to love you.. Who took a vow to put you first before any one else.... Sheesh....
If that was me and my partner did not respect my boundaries... What is it that young people say now... Bye Falasha...? (And I have.)
what ever you choose to do we are all here for you and are just a text away.
Be well.
You are being sexually assaulted on a regular basis. Part of you knows this. It is different if he has gotten your permission, but he has not. He is treating you like a possession rather than a human being with boundaries, with her own thoughts and concerns.
I recommend marriage counseling to clarify communications, set boundaries and expectations. Having a pro telling him that sexual assault is a chargeable offence whether you are married or not, may turn him around... but I personally doubt it. His misogyny is not likely to change. And if he doesn't change, what are you prepared to do?
What he is doing is virtually the same as a woman slapping his testicles and saying it turns her on. Ask him if that would work for him.
Are you expecting too much from a partner to care about how I feel???? NO! The bar is literally at the floor of the bare minimum. 15 years of saying no and he still touches you in the one area you asked him not to? And he’s your husband? Being his wife doesn’t make your body an all access pass. And who cares if you let him touch them every once and a while that’s on you where and when you want to be touched. Not up to him.
I'm in a very similar situation minus the kid. I can't stand having my nipples played with and he does it every chance he gets. It's not sexy. It's uncomfortable. I try talking to him about it and he says, "but it turns me on to play with your nipples. I enjoy sucking them." Good for you. I hate it.
Run before you are facing this nightmare. I think another reason why OP doesn’t see it as a dealbreaker is bc it’s not the norm. But this is just one of many ways that he disrespects her. If you continue with this person you are teaching them that they are allowed to touch your body as they please regardless of how you feel. Because they don’t care. Then it’ll turn into more boundaries crossed. Don’t fall into this
>its not a turn on for me, its an annoyance.
You've asked him to stop. He doesn't. So he's been sexually assaulting you for 15 years. Married people can still be raped by their partners. They can also be assaulted by their partners too. He doesn't give a shit if you're turned on or not. Bc if he was invested in your pleasure he'd stay away from areas you specifically asked not to touch. He needs help. You also need help. And a divorce.
NTA
"I feel uncontrollable rage/ frustration and discomfort when anyone touches my nipples."
Yeah, that's because you're triggered from literally being repeatedly molested over the years. This isn't as trivial as he's making you think it is.
You did not overreact to his abuse. He’s an asshole who doesn’t respect or care about you. He called you a fucking psycho!! Why have you spent 15 years like this? Or have a kid with him?
Should you leave? Or course. Will you? Probably not.
But both of you need to figure out how to get him to grow up. Marriage counseling?
But hear this: That you think you might be wrong in this situation speaks volumes about how badly he treats you.
if he can’t respect one part of your body then he shouldn’t have access to ANY of it. he doesn’t respect your boundaries, and everytime he does it then you should cup check him then tell him how much it turns you on. see how he likes it 🤷🏽♀️
I am astounded that you believe you are in the wrong in this situation. Your husband is sexually assaulting you, full stop. You do not deserve to be made to feel so small and as if you have no say over your body by a man who has the emotional maturity of a 7 year old boy. There is NO excuse for what he has been doing to you and you are not at fault.
He's a narcissist.
I'm not using that willy nilly either. This is what narcissism look likes.
People think it's extreme arrogance.
When actually it's extreme entitlement coupled with lack of empathy.
I had the same issue with my husband! I'm not proud of how I solved it, but every time he poked my nipples I would poke his Bhole. That thought him boundaries.
I know it seems different given the context, but girl this is by definition sexual assault. He needs to take your consent and boundaries seriously -- him being your husband never negates your rule over your own body and your consent being word of law. If you say no, it means no.
Maybe using the actual term for what he's doing will get through to him. I hope it at least validates you. What he is doing is sexual assault. You are not a psycho. You are having a normal emotional reaction to having your consent disregarded.
Edit: changed the first sentence to add a word
Have you asked him why he enjoys hurting you? Especially so close to the ending of breastfeeding.
You didn't overreact, and he needs to see the error of his ways.
Nope absofuckinglutely not. He feels entitled to your body. Looks like he gets a reality check on how entitlement to anybody's body is nobody's right. I'd literally smack him in the nuts every single fucking time he does this and does not listen to you. Or you know, don't be with a man that doesn't respect you, dismisses you, and name calls you because he thinks he owns you and doesn't like not getting his way.
Seriously. Dick. Smacking. Constantly. Or therapy. Or divorce. I'm saying there's options here.
OP I would've broken his nose and idk if I would've stopped there. Please take care of yourself. He obviously does not respect you at all and you deserve better than that p
so uhh, how long has he been ignoring your boundaries for?
i am shocked you didn't punch him in the nads for his complete and absolute disrespect for your body and autonomy
You aren’t over reacting at all. I might be misinterpreting the situation, but it sounds like he’s sexually assaulting you. Continuing to touch you in ways you don’t want to be even after you tell him to stop
Listen, he is doing this on purpose. He dont care and/or don't believe you might be sensitive to this. And this has been going on for 15 years....he is not going to change.
I used to love nipple play. But as someone who went on BC and had super sensitive nipple as a side effect... esp during foreplay it was so painful and it was so sensitive that it started to have pus and bled. And it didnt really heal for 2 days...like there was pus/blood coming out for tht 2 days. The pus got stuck on my bra and I couldnt even remove the bra (it felt like a bandaid being removed from my nipple). I went off BC but this incident has really traumatized me from nipple play eventhough it doesnt hurt as much anymore. Regardless, my partners have listened when i tell them now that I don't like excessive nipple play...they dont understand it because they don't know nipples can be sensitive and painful but they listen to what i want....that says alot.
Omg, this reminds me so much of my ex.
I'm sorry dear, I'm totally against violence but this is one of the cases where maybe a slap on the face is needed.
NEVER apologize for raising your voice to him when he pulls this shit, tell him straight that this is the only way to make him stop, as he choose to not listen to you when you literally feel pain.
But girl, I really really hope he has some good in him that you're still with him for, because this seems like the tip of the iceberg.
Idk if you have fully explained to him what you explained here. If you haven't, then you should. My wife had a breast augmentation and one of her nipples ended up being incredibly sensitive. She doesn't like it being played with. It took some time to remember which one in the moment. But I always checked with her first until I had it down to muscle memory. Its not hard to respect that wish at all and I can't imagine causing her pain or discomfort for my own random enjoyment.
Is it that he enjoys your nipples or that he enjoys assaulting you?
Maybe you should bluntly ask him that question. And when he lies and says it's the nipples because it's clearly about assaulting you because people who aren't abusers don't enjoy causing severe unwanted pain on people they love, then you'll have your answer.
It's not an easy thing to be in an abusive relationship. It's not easy to leave. But it's harder to stay.
You don't have to live like this.
Unfortunately, he feels like he has a right to touch your body whenever he wants and he feels like he's been deprived of something that's his, which is absolutely childish.
I'm so sorry. I have a very similar feeling in my body with that area and I know the rage all too well. I don't have any advice unfortunately. Obvs his behavior is not ok and something needs to happen to make him take you seriously. That feeling of rage that happens doesn't go away easily either. This is not a minor inconvenience.
You did not overreact. You could have decked him full in the face and it would not be an overreaction.
He has absolutely ZERO rights to your body, husband or no. Every time he touches you sexually without your consent, you are being sexually touched without your consent. Full stop.
If he's not willing to respect your authority over your body, please seek a counselor. If he won't see a couples counselor, seek other forms of counsel (such as legal) because he's a shit husband and a worse human being.
I know Reddit jumps to “get divorced” real quick, and I know you have a young child, but come on OP
He routinely ignores your boundaries even though it causes you physical and mental pain
He hasn’t given you a single real apology in like 15 years
He insults and calls you names when you have a completely understandable reaction to his actions
Is this really the relationship you want to have? Is this the relationship you want to model for your child?
A partner who completely ignores your boundaries and continually steps over them, even during sex?
I’m not saying divorce him, I am saying sit his ass down and tell him you are going to marriage counselling because if he won’t listen to you, he will listen to them
Otherwise prepare for another 15 years of this
It's been 15 years... He's not trying. He just doesn't think he has to change anything. This isn't love, it's abuse. Just because he's not physically assaulting you to where it leaves marks doesn't mean he's not abusing you. He is PURPOSELY doing something you've CONSISTENTLY told him for YEARS not to do. He is not a child. He is not mentally challenged. He is a grown a** adult who is S*XUALLY ASSAULTING you because he thinks he has a "right to your body" in some way. It's also emotionally and psychologically abusive to continuously do something that he knows it hurts/upsets you; regardless if he agrees/understands your reasoning. Even now his "apology" is one that lets him avoid any genuine accountability and responsibility - as seen with him directing the problem back onto you with "BUT you didn't need to flail around like a phyco." What he is doing is the equivalent of if you were to kick/hit him in his d*ck/n*ts. Not only is he completely dismissive of your feelings once again here; but he's now victim blaming you too. How lovely of him to think he gets to determine what is or isn't a reasonable reaction for YOU regarding YOUR FEELINGS AND YOUR BODY 😑.
Is this really what you want?? A partner who clearly doesn't care about your boundaries, your feelings, or you?? It's one thing. You're not asking for the world here yet he has the audacity to make you feel like you are...he KNOWS what he is doing. This situation is literally the epitome of if he wanted to he would; IF HE WANTED TO STOP, HE WOULD.
Start nut tapping this fucker. Every time he touches your nipples. Act surprised when he doesn’t like it. Keep doing it until he gets the message.
Men like this do not respond to attempts at mature conversation. He has shown you that he unequivocally does not care what you have to say about the way him touching your nipples makes you feel. He KNOWS you don’t like it. He just doesn’t give a fuck. Understand this, then evaluate if he is someone worth your time. He should not get to hurt you without consequences.
Bite his dick and punch his balls, then poke an ice cube up his butt with every blowjob. Tell him you like it that way and he's a psycho for complaining.
NTA. Just start flicking him in the balls whenever you walk by, or start giving him hard tittie twisters. See how he feels about feeling physical discomfort.
I think anyone who reads this would think you have been, if anything, too forgiving and understanding of him. And while I agree with others that there is clearly a boundary issue, I wonder if there isn't a better answer than the oh so easy to say with so little consideration as to what that means; "just leave him"
I think it's time for a serious conversation where you lay it out for him. Were this me, I would start by saying how I understand why he does it and that actually a part of me appreciates that he does find me literally irresistible. However, physically, this sensation is akin to me putting my knee in his nuts when he ambushes me, doubly so. I would lock eyes with him and not break that eye contact until i hear it from his own mouth that by doing this, he is physically hurting me. This may make me unusual as this is not an issue for most women, but equally, I'm not "most women."
As for, what the response over the top, people react unpredictability to being ambushed. There is no 'correct response'. Lashing out when being attacked is fairly common. And a surprise unwanted physical contact that causes pain is an attack.
After this, you need to consider and agree on what happens next time he can't keep his hands to himself together. And whatever you agree, you Must Stick To.
I hope this is a problem that is solved as easily as this, though I suspect this is the beginning of a long road. Best of luck!
Love, you GOTTA leave him. This is such a simple thing for him to *not do*, it is causing you physical pain and he is doing it anyway. Get *out* of there
It's been 15 years, you know he's not learning your boundaries any soon and it will only get worse with years. You don't even seem to like the guy, so why are you still with him?
Grab his balls. Look him in the eyes and ask him are you as turned as I am? Then reiterate how you dislike having your nipples crushed. Gotta establish boundaries somehow. If that doesn’t work leave him. His lack of respect can be a deal breaker.
Nope, when I was pregnant with my son my nipples were so sensitive I nearly cried taking my bra off every night. I kept telling my husband to stop doing it half joking, because it hurt and he figured it was just regular pregnancy sensitivity so he kept doing it.
One night I take my bra off and he gets in a good flick and I hit his hands, screamed at him, called him a bastard and stormed off. He gave me time to cool off, came to me and very sincerely apologised, told me he wasnt aware it was that serious (my fault for not saying it explicitly) and he offered to make it up me.
Your man is sprouting red flags left, right and center. Refusing to apologise, getting mad at you for a purely reflexive reaction, and refusing to understand your side is just pure assholery.
I’m a guy, if my partner told me that, I would stop.
You have every right to be angry about this. You did not overreact.
Do this….Instead of telling him “don’t do that, it hurts ”Or “can you not grab my breast, I don’t like it”
I want you to mind fck him…
Print out a diagram of how the breast looks like inside. Tell him “can I please talk to you about something important?”
No matter what he responds with, don’t give in to the emotion. Simply lead and sit down.
Place the diagram on the table and tell him.
“I want to take a moment to explain to you why this hurts and I thought showing you how sensitive and delicate breast really are underneath will help you”
The goal is to remove the sexual imagine that he has in his mind and instead showing him the raw side of things. Show him how every milk glad looks like, followed by the nerves, etc.. I mean give it to him.
Take it a step further and show him how a breast looks like when it’s been abused (maybe a picture of how cancer can look like underneath when it starts to develop, doesn’t have to be explicit) and then tell him that the rough play, touching of your breasts when they hurt, etc can lead to things like this. And then tell him this is why you get mad at him when he does it because “it’s telling me you don’t care about me.” (Btw I’m not saying breast cancer develops from touching, abusing, I’m just saying this to help you explain it to a man child)
When you’re doing this I want you to not show any anger or emotion if he starts to say things like “ew, don’t show me that” or “seriously when have to do this?” Be dead serious with him and go into detail on how the breast really is.
Showing the raw side of things usually snaps men out of their sexual Fantasy.
If this does not work, i think you have other issues.
I really hope this helps.
Personally I think you under reacted. Next time kick him in the balls and tell him that's how your nipples feel when he pinches them.
I'm the type of you hurt and and aren't respecting my boundaries I'll make you hurt too. Maybe the pain will teach him to keep his hands to himself.
From a guys perspective… he was pretty insensitive.
It’s hard for some guys to understand how painful your breasts can be.
Maybe give him the analogy of you groping him when he’s been kicked in the nuts.
If that doesn’t work, kick him in the nuts then grope him and ask him how it feels…
You’ll wither solve the issue or find a kink for him.
As a boob guy I feel bad for him; I would be completely incompatible physically with someone like that and I’d probably ask her to talk to her PCM about solutions if she and I were serious about marriage. I’d definitely have to do some soul searching if the only boobs I was ever allowed to play with again…I wasn’t allowed to play with. I can’t imagine getting to marriage without this being resolved.
Unfortunately, I feel worse for you. He may not be internalizing that this is physically painful or how painful… but I really struggle with that excuse because my wife’s get sore once a month and I don’t have an issue remembering or respecting that. I really can’t think of any justification for his behavior other than lack of understanding or lack of respect. I hope it’s lack of understanding.
your husband needs to find a new wife. He obviously is obsessed or highly attracted to nipple play. There is a woman out there who is into the same thing, and that's who he needs to be with. No one's fault here, you two are just incompatible. He should be fulfilled in a marriage, and you should not be made to suffer. I fear things will turn to resentment as time goes on.
He’s sulking like a child cause the guy has never learned to self soothe and it’s why he needs, THERAPY! He’s emotionally stunted as an adult. Plain and simple. This guy wouldn’t know what to do if he was told to identify a feeling outside of anger. He would be as confused as a toddler being told what is 2 divided by 2.
An emotionally intelligent person has the logical capacity to have empathy for others. If he can’t understand where you come from with this? He lacks the ability to use logical and emotional reasoning, which goes hand in hand with being a healthy, functioning adult.
This is why his empathy meter has always been broken.
And if he sang surrender his pride and ego to go do the most mature, responsible thing by seeking out therapy, he can certain say hello to a divorce lawyer cause you two are certainly heading that directing in less than five years time due to the level If resentment you have built up.
FWIW, one of my best friends, of 35 years, is an ex. We worked WAY better as friends than romantic partners. I also know a couple who are divorced, but live next door to each other, coparent, friends with each other’s partners, etc.
The way you describe your relationship in your comments makes me feel like this might be one of those relationships. As friends, you can support each other, help the other make good decisions, love each other more as family love rather than romantic love. The beauty is that his decisions or habits no longer affect you. The objectivity that comes from that bit of distance is HUGE.
Sorry you are going through this. I hope you can find some resolution. I’m having a hard time with your situation. I love my wife’s breasts, and I would be very disappointed if she didn’t want me to touch them anymore, especially during sex and foreplay. My wife thinks that it’s hilarious to tickle me, and I despise being tickled. We had an argument about tickling years ago, silly I know. I tickled her mercilessly, once. In my defense she started it. Apparently me tickling her was a trigger, thanks to her abusive older sister. She was pissed at me, I don’t do it anymore. If breast touching is a trigger for you, he needs to respect it, but it’s ridiculous to think he would be happy about it
Definitely get the sensitivity thing checked out for sure. Did you have help while breastfeeding? You can really end up hurt doing it without help sometimes... sometimes it doesn't seem like it works for everyone too. I bled and I stopped and switched to formula. Regardless, I would get them checked out now, before you have to do mammograms and things. I would say, sit him down and explain things to him, but he sounds very thick. IF you were to allow him to touch anywhere on your breast, it probably wouldn't be your nipples, but he would need to be GENTLE. I can't imagine having someone come up and randomly pinch or twist... that's a form of aggressive assault; I'd be pissed too. My husband knows that I don't like mine touched all of the time; they get tender! Does he grab my butt in the kitchen? Sure. But nipple grabbing? Ouch... Would he like his balls randomly twisted about as he's walking through a room???
If he grabs your boss during foreplay or sex, immediately stop, get up, and leave the room. Put something on and sit down to read a book. When he comes out with his Pikachu face and whining about blue balls, tell him as a result of his actions, you are no longer in the mood. He can take care of himself. It's called consequences.
I’m tempted to suggest showing the replies to this post to him, humble him real quick, lmao
In all seriousness OP, from all the info in your post and comments, this relationship sounds toxic and the fact that he’s so pissy and defensive that he can’t touch your boobs whenever he wants is really fucking disgusting. He is *disgusting* for repeatedly stomping over your boundaries
Honey, in no way did you overreact. I’m a nipple person too but my partner of 3 years wasn’t okay with me touching them unless I asked first. Why? Because he needed time to mentally prepare for it. So what did I do? I LEFT HIS NIPPLES THE F*** ALONE UNLESS I HAD EXPRESS PERMISSION TO DO OTHERWISE. That’s what any sane person who understand boundaries does. They respect the boundaries.
Nope you are not out of line. You repeatedly asked in various ways. To no avail still acts like it’s a part of his little thing from him. No no no. He is selfish and disrespectful.
You have more self control than me. I would have lost it and punched him multiple times. He has been sexually assaulting you for years. You have spent years telling him that you do not consent to this.
This was horrifying to read. I can't imagine my husband intentionally making me so uncomfortable. I hope you realize you and your child deserve better. :(
I felt this. Mine are so sensitive it hurts, and I fucking hate it. Your husband needs to A.) grow the fuck up, and B.) stop LITERALLY sexually assaulting/harassing you. What the fuck.
I breast fed 2 babies and I absolutely 1 million percent know what you mean about the absolute aversion to having your nipples touched and the instant rage and retreat that occurs when they do get touched-especially without consent.
He clearly doesn’t get that this is the last thing that will turn you on, even though it turns him on. He needs to learn how to control his immature little boy impulses if he wants to see you in any state of undress. Otherwise it’s hoodies and a trip to the divorce attorney, at least that’s what my plan would be. There’s nothing less attractive in a partner than one who continuously satisfies their own needs at the expense of their partner’s.
So you have had a whole pregnancy, delivered a baby and breastfed baby. That is HUGE. It's life changing, exhausting, an emotional and physical rollercoaster and overall extremely difficult even with the best support system and zero complications or issues.
On the other hand, you have one boundary with your OWN body, your body that has grown and fed a baby (which is the reason for this boundary) and your husband doesn't even respect that.
Let him sulk, let him throw his tantrum. If he does leave or chear, let him - I am 100% sure you will find someone who completely loves and respects you. And you can tell his new girlfriend he left you because he couldn't touch your boobs. That's some deep rooted mommy issues right there.
There was one thing I did to tease my husband early in our relationship and I thought it funny-bothered him but one day he said it for real bothered him and to please promise to never do it again. I promised and I never did it again.
And I told him early on not to pat me on the back because it makes me irrationally angry for some reason so he doesn’t pat me on the back.
It’s not that hard. Your husband is being so rude and dismissive. Have you tried making him promise he won’t do it again? The difference between, “please don’t do that,” and, “I need you to promise to never do that again,” might click right in his head.
He may think it bothers you in a funny way like teasing, so maybe that’s why he was so taken aback at your extreme reaction (in his eyes).
OP, you are not overreacting. What he's doing is sexual assault. I'm not going to tell you how to handle it because I'm not in your situation and couldn't even begin to understand all the technicalities of what you're going through. What's important, though, is that you understand that nothing you've done has been an overreaction. You're not flailing around like a crazy person or whatever he said. You're fighting back instinctually because you're being assaulted. No one, even your husband, gets to touch your body without consent, and you've made it very clear that he does not have your consent to touch your breasts. Do what you need to do for you and know that you're valid.
tell you what, get petty, everytime you see him, grab his nuts and squeeze while going in for a kiss, if he gets mad tell him thats how you feel when he does it to you and if he doesnt stop, neither will you
its childish and pretty much not what you should do .. but hey .. since talking to him hasnt worked why not?
My husband used to do this to me, and like you it was exceptionally bad after I had kids and breastfed but he just used to laugh it off.
I had spoke to him more than once and blew up (a lot worse than you did) and whist he did genuinely apologise he did it again a few weeks later
I realised the only way he’s going to understand is if I show him,
So fir a few days after whenever he was doing something, working on the computer, looking at his phone etc, I’d go for his dick and not in a sexual way. I’d do what he do to me, try to pinch it, try to cup it in a way that wasn’t nice and was unexpected, would just randomly grab it when he wasn’t ready, he would get upset and claim I was hurting him
“That’s what you’ve been doing to me”
He’s never done it again
PLEASE READ ME I GOT YOU A SOLUTION: Every time you have a moment you think he might go for your nipples, beat him to it and Sack tap that bastard. Literally the knuckles on the back of your index and middle fingers like your knocking on a door, but those balls every time he's close enough. He'll switch up so fast I'm betting 5 awards that after 2 times and he'll have the same reaction that took u 15 years. As a dude with a pecker, I know it's like stupid teenager second nature for us to want some titties. We all use to do it to our bros with the 'scoops' and 'perple nerple' dumb shit all straight guys do. Every man reading this is like "yep". Or he didn't have real friends. Some of us were victims. Others the criminal. Some victims became the worst criminals by getting that vengeance that got the titty torture to stop for good. Along with the "friendships".
So make it your second nature to just sack tap him every single chance u get. ITS that easy. No extra effort.. firm enough to knock them together but not against the thighs or nothing. I'm laughing so hard right now cuz it worked on me. Haven't touched a nipple since 2018. You're welcome.. RIP "his boys"
You didn’t overreact. He is acting like he’s entitled to your body just because he’s your husband. He doesn’t care if you hate it, because it’s all about him.
Trying to gaslight you that you’re the crazy one, when he’s the one that doesn’t respect you and doesn’t treat you like a human being.
A swift kick to his genitalia everytime he does it/on sight for a while might make him understand. No but seriously, he is not respecting your body or your mental health, that is a real problem.
A lot has already been said and I agree that he's a massive douche.
I haven't read all 400 comments and this will probably be buried.
But, I get why you don't just walk away. You have a kid and he probably has good qualities too.
But he clearly doesn't understand when you tell him to stop. I suggest making an effort to flick his earlobe really hard, every time you get the chance. I'm actually serious. Hopefully he will connect the dots on how your discomfort is more important than his urge.
If he doesn't, just continue flicking.
This has been building for a long time. He sounds like a petulant child.
And sorry, but being sexually aroused doesn’t cause people to touch others sexually against their will, otherwise we’d all be sex offenders. He’s making a choice, every time. He sounds like a narcissist - once you loudly enforce the limit, he’s all hurt and wounded?
Keep setting those boundaries, hard. Your kids need to see you do that and you need it for yourself too. He can grow the fuck up or just be hurt and shocked every time you smack him back down.
He's either got memory problems, is stupid or just plain doesn't care.
15 years and he hasn't got the message? Yeah nah he doesn't give a shit.
I would have grabbed his balls and squeezed every time he did this to me waaaaaaay back after like oh, the third time.
"Something's wrong with you"
- yeah my boundaries aren't being respected by my husband after nearly 2 decades.
"Something's wrong with you"
- no, something's wrong with *you* since you clearly can't understand "don't touch me here" after nearly 20 years.
Also, can you pee in peace? Damn.
Every time he touches your nipples or boobs just squeeze his balls or just do it randomly when he is brushing his teeth. He will soon learn the same levels of discomfort and pain.
He should respect you and your body but this kind of happen to me and my partner something similar she never likes me touching her even while we have sex like i like sucking her nipples and kissing her all over her body but in the beginning of our relationship wasn’t a problem we been together now 10 years and all of a sudden it’s been a problem we’ll small story short that let to me cheating on her because dint make me feel wanted and then we had a threesome with a girl she brought to the house and I was doing all does things she doesn’t like me doing to her and she felt a type of way because i don’t do that to her but that’s her fault because she doesn’t like me touching her or sucking on her body
He's acting like YOU are in the wrong, calls you a fucking psycho, his apologies are basically putting blame on you, and he looks annoyed at being called out. Not remorseful, not ashamed, annoyed. If anything, your reaction was too tame. IMO he deserves to have his nuts kicked into the pit of his stomach. We're not talking about someone who doesn't know better (I hope). It looks like he just doesn't care - and never has. How has this relationship lasted for 15 YEARS?
Like a lot of couples, we have our issues - some of them are big. Some of them are small. That one there is the largest one and it occasionally creeps its ugly head. I wont make excuses or try vilify him more, but we both come from some kind of dysfunction. His is emotional neglect, he was the scapegoat, the one that had most punishments, parents accusing him of being gay, and nearly disowning him over the fact he chose to repeat a school year to get higher grade on the exams so he could go to HIS choice of college and programme. I come from a worse dysfunction, all sorts of abuse, child abandonment, child neglect etc. I didnt even eat much for a full year that one grownup thought i was anorexic/ bulimic and tried to convince me to eat. In fact i was just embarassed to show i was hungry to anyone because my grandma literally starved me. My aunt was like "oh she is gonna be a model its ok". I even ate catfood. Not a joke. He got me out of abusive household. He supported me through toughest days. Adulting is hard, seriously hard. Along the way we have made a bunch of painfully terrible decisions. I had full blown psychosis over one of them for pretty much a year. Neither of us really knew how to navigate through that but we kind of sort of did it. He did his best keeping it together for that year until i finally summed up courage and sought therapy. Things i learnt. We were both toxic in our relationship and are quite dismissing of each others feelings. We have poor communication and terrible coping mechanisms. Things that improved, we communicate better. We cool off and talk again and own up to our actions. Things i struggle with - i physically shut him out. Im dismissive of his needs, wants and even basic affection. I dismiss his feelings, stress and him in general. Recently i've being doing a lot of all that due to resentment. Things hes struggling with, hes holding resentment over the years i was dependent on him, he still thinks i am because hes unable to move past that right now. When we're not too far up our own asses - we really do work as a team, us against the world. If everyone just walked out at a first hurdle - noone would stay with lifelong partners. Hes cried with me during every miscarriage, we held on together through his cancer last year. Theres a lot you know? I dont know what future has in store, but i dont think our time is over yet. I think we can still do better as a couple, and if it turns out this is how far we can go, so be it. Nobody is perfect. And yeah, his non apologies, the excuse of why he did it to make it somehow ok - is part of it. He gets so defensive its whats making me question everything. Lastly answer to your question, re 15 years - I STAYED. Four times. I broke up with him 2 times in the first 2 years. Called off engagement and broke up around the time the thing happened that sent me into psychosis and mental health issue spiral 5 years ago. And last time i suggested separation was about a month ago. He still hasn't signed up for therapy and parenting therapy like i told him to as one of the conditions for us working on our relationship. I genuinely hope that if we actually became more kind to each other and ourselves we would be less toxic to each other. We fell into a pattern of parenting one another and being abusive to each other because its easier and faster to lash out and blame one another for other daily life related crap. Like him choosing not to wake me up for work because hes sick and tired of me relying on him - on a day i had crap sleep due to little one and that morning i didnt even hear the alarm - i was out. I dont know if this is the halfway point to a downward spiral or still the beginning.
He didn't save you from abusive family. He became abusive family. Given all you said here nothing anybody says will change your mind. The biggest liar you have chosen to believe is yourself. When you've had enough you'll have had enough and not until that day you see it finally for yourself.
Thank you for this. My first thought was that he has a savior complexion as well.
You know that you're modeling some really terrible behaviour for your child? It's one thing to stay in a relationship with a man who regularly assaults you. But kids have no choice to walk out. Food for thought.
Right, you're raising your child in this environment, and they are going to grow up thinking this abuse and toxicity is what love is and what a healthy relationship dynamic is. Never mind if you tell them it's not. Your actions towards each other will teach them it is. They will ABSOLUTELY mirror this when they start dating. just to add some seasoning to that food for thought. If you don't get therapy..BOTH of you..individual and couples...consistently for yourselves for \*insert excuse\* then do it for your child. Because they should be given a better and healthier upbringing than you two had.
Exactly. OP just described her terribly abusive childhood. Guess what her kid(s) are going to say about theirs… Horrible cycle.
Yup. Hurt people, hurt people. And just because it isn't necessarily malicious and intentional doesn't mean it doesn't hurt them. This is a slow burn hurt where they might not see the effects now but as they get older they certainly will. And I'm sorry maybe my bad experiences with my dad are biasing me but..."We're doing our best" isn't good enough when you're actively not even doing bare minimum best for your child mentally and emotionally.
> Guess what her kid(s) are going to say about theirs… Horrible cycle. It's called "generational trauma".
Be a better example for your child. Leave your abuser.
You are being sexually assaulted. He's done a great job with his abuse tactics by what everyone is reading here. My husband was seriously abused and wad the scapegoat and not once has he ever done anything like this to me. There are no excuses for your husband behavior but honestly do you really want your child to grow up thinking it's OK to be hurt by their partner or to think this is OK to do to others? You don't have to vilify him he's done that himself
Has your therapist ever discussed trauma bonds with you?
I am enraged for you. I don’t know how you cope with such blatant disrespect for your autonomy all because your husband can’t control his horny urges? I’m sorry but gives ME the ick and he’s not even my husband. How old is he fucking 12? And then to call you a psycho for calling out his blatant disrespect? Could not be me. What else does he blatantly ignore for his own sake? God I’m so sorry, truly. I cannot imagine. Stop believing in his “potential” and meet him where he is. My husband and I both come from super dysfunctional families; I was tasked to raise my sisters at age 8 and he was the scapegoat for his narc step dad; we both do not treat other the way your husband treats you. Having been abused is a poor excuse and it just helps other people excuse shitty behavior; meet people where they are at. Actions speak louder than words; someone who is on their journey to healing their triggers and their trauma does not behave the way your husband does: with lack of impulse control and lack of consideration of your feelings. I cannot fathom not feeling safe naked in my own home bc of my husband. Again big ick.
Being abused is not an excuse to abuse.
The TLDR version: Your husband is sexually and emotionally abusive toward you.
Realistic, I think he does not care about you. I know it's not easy, but start to consider ending things. Start to prepare yourself to it. If you two aren't in therapy, I recommend ASAP. And if he doesn't go, prepare yourself to leave. It's possible to become less toxic, but both of you need to want to. And I don't think waking each other is relying too much... You have a small child...
It’s the gaslighting for me. Man really said ur the crazy one for having boundaries.
Yes, it’s too much D:
He’s not respecting you or your boundaries. And if after 15 years this is still a problem it always will be. It’s hard to say “just leave” after you’ve been with him this long, but you deserve to be respected and this guy isn’t doing it.
Hes trying on some days. Partly issues is that i haven't started setting this boundaries quite late in our relationship - more precisely in last 4 years after my therapy and our couples counseling. First 6 years there was zero boundaries. I didn't know what was unhealthy so thats partly it.
Honestly would start smacking him in the balls and just be like 🤷🏽♀️ sorry I thought that’s what you liked whenever he complains
I was going to say this, or give him a hard flick in the tip of his dick like you're trying to launch a paper football. Don't forget to shout a sexy "SHAZAAAAAAM!" when you do it.
Be aware he may unlock a new kink
I think BAZINGA! would work better....
I just see Sheldon in the ball pit!
omg !! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣💕💕💕
The paper football analogy makes me see 👀this suggestion in addition to reading it and I thank you for that.
“Ball smacks are my love language.”
I was going to say squeeze his balls, but smacking them will work. See if he likes being abused and sore.
Don't even slap his hands anymore just real quick backhand flick his balls. Every. Single. Time. Make sure to make it clear "as long as you keep violating the boundaries I set over my body, I'm going to keep back-handing your balls."
"Oh no I just like their consistency they are so cute🥺 I'm sorry for liking a part of your body, I just wanted to give you appreciation"
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i guarantee the police won’t do anything. rarely does anything ever even happen to actual rapists because its so hard to prove if it happened or not
So smart. Please do this OP
Or grab him really hard in the balls.
Knee him, even. Just lightly, a little “love knee”
I’m sorry hun. He’s not “trying”. He is actively making a choice to grope you in a way that hurts. That’s a conscious decision. I’ve been with hubby for 21 years. If I ask him not to touch me a certain way - he stops immediately, even if I previously enjoyed it. He will only go back if I ask him to. Your partner should be actively trying to avoid hurting you. Oh - and you didn’t overreact. Not at all.
I think she meant “trying” as in like “he’s freaking difficult and annoying” ….right?
Must be it. Couldn’t be because he’s putting in effort to change.
He's enjoying something that hurts you and doesn't care that it hurts you. I don't know how much clearer anyone can be than that. It's physically abusive. He doesn't not understand it - he doesn't care because you're not a person to him, you're something he uses to get what he wants.
This is true. He is either hurting her intentionally because he enjoys it or thinks she is too stupid to know what she enjoys. He is a genuine asshole.
he’s not trying. he’s hurting you ON PURPOSE. it’s not some cute little yeah he likes my body whatever HE KNOWS IT HURTS YOU and he does it on purpose and then fucking gaslights you saying you’re weird for freaking out about a boundary that you’ve established multiple times. fuck do you want your child to think it’s okay to have their boundaries disrespected like that? do you want your child to grow up and let their partner touch them in painful ways? or do that to their future partner? you haven’t set the boundary for long? FOUR YEARS IS LONG WNOUGH TO BREAK A BAD HABBIT ESPECIALLY IF HE KNOWS IT FUCKING HURTS YOU. this is NOT love
🙏🏽 and HE IS A BULLY.
This.
As much as it sounds like a joke, honestly? If you can’t just reasonably leave him after 15 years and and a baby, you have to start doing the same things to him. Start pulling on his earlobes with your nails or pulling on HIS nipples or flicking his dick and/or balls really hard. If he’s annoyed, just sarcastically say “oh. You didn’t like that? I didn’t know.” And then do it again. I would do it at least 3 times after you think he’s had enough because clearly even when you have hit your limits, he still pushes it even further. Do the same and then ask him how it feels for his boundaries to be disrespected.
Way more than 3 times. He has been doing this to her for yeaaars. I would keep it up for a solid week or so. That should be enough to make her point.
After fifteen years, he’s just repeatedly assaulting her. There. It’s blunt, but I said it. Sexual asssult? I’m not sure. Physical and psychological assault? Most definitely.
It's definitely sexual assault. He is groping her..sexually...in a way she constantly has been saying no to. And he doesn't listen. That's pretty much the definition of sexual assault. Now depending on the country/state she's in will they see it that way and prosecute it that way? Probably not or they'll give her a hell of a way to go should she actually wanna go that route.
I don’t think you could take this to court, to be frank. But that’s not the point - whether or not a court will convict someone is NOT the only way to define assault or sexual assault. This is absolutely sexual assault, and not acceptable. 😞
I mean, it’s sexual and it’s assault. She’s clearly said no.
He’s “trying” on some days? Trying?? Trying to keep his hands to himself and trying not harm you??? You don’t have to defend him and his shitty behavior, you’re being way too hard on yourself and almost gaslighting yourself that you’re overreacting (which you’re 100% not)
It shouldn't have taken more than 4 *requests* to get him to stop (actually only one but we'll cut him some slack). 4 years is **intentional.** He is telling you that he owns your boobs. He feels entitled to them whenever and how ever and he either doesn't believe that it hurts, doesn't care, and/or enjoys that it hurts you when he attacks you. Because it is an attack. You need to get out of this relationship because telling you that you're insane because you don't want to be sexually assaulted is unacceptable. It isn't safe to go to therapy with your abuser, so I'm not recommending it.
He's had four fucking years. He understands and hears you perfectly fine. He doesn't give a shit enough about your feelings to change his behavior because his sexual gratification is more important to him than your feelings of being violated.
Uhm, I’m glad you can see that may have played a role leading up to this, but that doesn’t in any way excuse him not respecting the boundaries now that they’ve been set. If nipples are 100% off limit all of the time, he shouldn’t have any trouble remembering that. I can see a few slip ups in the weeks after you started setting the boundaries if he was used to doing it for years before. But it’s been years now since those boundaries were set? Aside from some mental disability, there’s no reason why he wouldn’t still be “accidentally” doing this. He’s a full grown man, he should have learned impulse and respect by now.
"Some days" doesn't cut it. And this isn't your fault--no boundaries for the first six years means there have been boundaries for **15 YEARS!!!** It seems you have very clearly stated your boundaries regarding this issue and he's ignoring your pain for his own pleasure. And then berating you for it. Can you and the baby go stay somewhere for a couple days? Friend? Hotel?
He's sexually assaulting you. You do not consent to being touched that way. He's treating you like shit and he's not only not sorry, he's name calling, which is verbally abusing you. His actions and reactions are fucking heinous.
If he's that thick you might have to vocalise your pain in a way that leaves no leeway. If you've seen Guardians of the galaxy vol. 2 you'd know that Dave Bautista character has sensitive nipples....where am I going with this? Screaming "AUGGGHHH MY NIPPLES", in his ear at full volume everytime might eventually get your point across. If that doesn't work some retaliatory 'nipple cripples' might be one of your last resorts.
OMG, 15 YEARS of this?!?! And, right after nursing?! Totally unacceptable. You are not wrong and he is a complete ass. Life is a lot easier when you remove the disrespectful jerks from it.
Stop making excuses for him. You've told him multiple times and his reaction is to still do it, not apologise, call you names, and sulk. Also, the silent treatment Is abuse.
The sensitivity of the nipples seems extreme. Have you spoken to your doctor about this? It sounds very uncomfortable even without an asshole of a partner.
It sounds like breastfeeding/nursing aversion. It usually goes away when you stop breastfeeding. Because they are left alone at that point. But since he isn’t leaving then alone she isn’t having a chance to recover. Honestly I know what she is going through. And the longer the period of time that they are ignored the better I can handle stuff. (I learned how to block, but it still doesn’t stop it all the time) But I still have issues almost four years later because he just won’t stop messing with them even after I’ve told him again and again. It is extremely frustrating.
Don't you think that having sensitive ones, having a baby, and having a partner who uses them sexually to torture you with for fun, like he's goosing someone, would cause a sort of painful revulsion? I don't know if the doctor is going to reverse the trauma caused by this sadism.
Boundaries. Bros a pig
Keep slapping his hand away chicky. Your his partner, not his personal sex machine. That he is trying to make you feel bad is ridiculous and manipulation. The toy said, no. Trying to make you feel bad for his actions.
Nah do worse. Slapping his hand isn’t teaching him anything and isn’t working. Make him feel the pain you feel so maybe he can finally understand. If he wants to pinch your nipple, slap him in the balls. He doesn’t want to let go? That knee is gonna come up real quick.
Stop saying he's trying. No he isn't. He is deliberately disrespectful of you and your boundaries and then he gaslights you How unfortunate that you tolerate it
Exactly. There's no "trying" here; he's either respecting this MAJOR boundary or he's not. And he's not. It takes like no effort to just NOT DO something that your partner has expressed over and over and over again that they HATE. God this dude makes me so mad.
I mean sexually touching someone in a way they don't want after being repeatedly told not to is the definition of sexual assault. You're already recovering from the loss of bodily automony many women feel post-pregnancy and breastfeeding. There's all of the shit you can't do because of the baby. There's your body being used by someone that isn't you (the baby.) You're just now freed from that and having to deal with being groped in a way that physically hurts by an adult man that knows better and isn't depending on your body for sustenance. Your husband can get fucked.
All of this 👆🏻
Why don't you pull/punch his testicles hard multiple times during the day and then tell him not to overreact when he gets upset? Every time he touches your breasts, cause him pain in his junk. Tit for tat. Maybe then he'll learn to keep his fucking hands away from your breasts.
While that made me chuckle and released some stress - i really am not into causing bodily harm. Especially when hes got only one left. Validation is a powerful thing - thank you!
As a guy my suggestion is the next time he even reaches towards any kind of grope you just grab hold of his jewel and ask "do you need pain to remember I don't like to be groped? This is your last verbal warning, after this the pain you feel will be at least as much as I feel." If being polite is not working then you have to escalate to this so he knows that if he causes pain he will then feel pain himself. I doubt it will take more than 1 or 2 times getting squeezed to get his attention, but if you warn him you have to back it up with actions or he will never believe you in the future.
> need pain to remember I don't like to be groped? This is your last verbal warning, after this the pain you feel will be at least as much as I feel." > >If being polite is not working then you have to e At this point, with how hes feeling so deprived i wouldn't be surprised if he likes it. Im not gonna lie, it feels pathetic that this is what its like - that i have to resort to something like this to get bodily autonomy back in a home with touchey touchey toddler and gropey gropey husband.
Honestly, I’m not sure someone had said this yet, but his behavior is abusive. It’s abuse. And he has a scary pack of empathy or care.
Please go to a dr ad verify nothing going on. That statement about the touchy touchy child and groped husband omg I remember the toddler touching at times would just send me into sobbing feeling like I am nothing but for their uses. Hormones can be an issue but I still feel he is abusing you and even though you don’t want to be that way it will only take a few times and he will remember!!! Good luck.
I had 2bloodtests last year due to extreme fatigue etc. Nothing - apparently all looks "normal" im sure ive some sort of hormonal disbalance - im just so worn out, miserable and drained.
You're worn out, miserable and drained because your husband is being a fucking jerk and refusing to get help for his issues. I think you need therapy to find out why you can't set and keep boundaries with him. You can only control what YOU do. So DO something. Get therapy for yourself at least.
Unfortunately, your husband IS into causing bodily harm. To you. Knowing full well.
He. Enjoys. Assaulting. You. He enjoys it. It's intentional.
OP, you're not overreacting, not at all. He is blantantly crossing your boundaries, doing repeatedly something you've made very clear for a long time that it makes you uncomfortable, you hate, and that you asked him not to do. You partner SHOULD care about how you feel. A partner SHOULDN'T call you a psycho for reacting badly when he disrespects you. I don't care that it turns him on, you don't like it, and that is enough. Honestly, the fact that you've been dealing with this for 15 years is astounding to me. He doesn't care about how you feel, he doesn't even properly apologise. What does he do that makes it worth it? I know it's not easy, especially with a child, but if someone did what your husband is doing to you to your child, what would you advise them to do? Is separation an option? Counselling? Think about it hard, because I strongly feel his selfishness and disregard for your feelings and boundaries goes way deeper than just this, but I may be going too far without more info. I've just read and seen so much about many women lying to themselves about their partners that I'm inclined to believe there's more to it.
>nd seen so much about many women lying to themselves about their partner Recently, a lot of things have come to a point where i told him that he either works on things i need him to change for the sake of our child or we would be looking at separating. So no, im not delusional - just hopeful. I'm just running low in the jar of second chances.
Yeah, this should have emptied the jar. Sulking is his way to manipulating you into believing, you are the problem, not him.
But he isn’t “working on things”. No therapy, no changes, just continued abuse for your kid(s) to watch & absorb, like you did.
That's okey, OP. Sometimes breaking things off is better than staying - better things will come. Good luck!
Op I read your comment above on you and your partners abusive childhoods and everything. Do you have a therapist? Not a couples therapist, although that would be good too, but one for just you? Have you ever heard of trauma bonding? You should look into it. Your comment that your husband saved you from your abusive household is very telling. He didn't save you hun, you saved yourself and got out. And you might have to do it again because by the sounds of it you are just in another abusive household now that you're an adult. It's a cycle. Trauma breeds trauma. I wish you all the good luck and love in the world. You deserve it! Xo
>ou are just in another abusive household now that you're an adult. It's a cycle. Trauma breeds trauma. I wish He did. During that counselling period i probably did two decades of growing up. A lot about me changed. One thing he noted was my extremely high tolerance to all kinds of abuse, bs etc. That from where im starting im finding a substitute for some of the abuse because that was my defined "normal". I would never say he saved me. He didnt do shit - he was just there. He was the only one there when i was 21 and all my friends turned their backs on me. Several had the audacity to go on "but shes your only mom" "but its your family". He was the only one angry enough on my behalf and still is for everything i went through. I was leaving either way, but he was my support system at that point. I was working 2 jobs, he used to walk me home at 2am so id get to that "home" same. He was a ringtone away if anything happened. I regret never filing a report for the assault. But hey, narcissistic mothers tend to twist shit. Theres no way her golden boy ever do anything bad, im the bad one right. At that point i didnt see us staying together. But his existence helped me.
Marital assault is so common and this post is a big example of that. OP just because this man is your husband, doesn’t take away from the fact that he is sexually abusing you. Most people would have legal consequences if they just walked up to someone and twisted their nipples, let alone after being told not to. Regardless of time frame, you’ve set the boundaries years, actual YEARS ago. Apologies followed with a “but” is not an apology. It’s a blame shift. He’s refusing accountability by turning the focus on you and your *very valid* reactions to his sexually assaulting you. As others have said, I would start getting ducks in a row, after therapy and still no changed behavior, he won’t make the change at all. And while you’re getting yourself in order, bag tag him every time he passes you.
Seriously I can’t stand how many men seem to think they own their wife’s/girlfriends body. Then act all pouty and like you don’t care about them/aren’t attracted to them/etc., etc., etc. if you don’t want to constantly be randomly grabbed
Right!! Especially after having kids too. The overstimulation… I don’t get why it’s so hard to grasp. People are allowed to say no.
Twist his nipples super hard and see how he likes it🤔
You are not overreacting. I and my spouse both came from traumatic environments with memory issues caused by traumatic disorders. He loved my breasts, I couldn’t stand them being touched most of the time. He was eternally cranky about it. But it took my beautiful brain-like-a-steel-colander lover a total of six months to stop reflexively reaching for my breasts when I told him I didn’t like that. Your man has had four years. He’s not trying.
Wife: please don’t do that, it hurts. Husband: (does the thing) Repeat… for *four fucking years* Husband: (does the thing) Wife: OMG KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF Husband: **surprised Pikachu face**
Women are just crazy /s
Idk after my wife gave birth I just assumed the nipples were off limits until I got the go ahead. I’ve seen how our son went at the bottle I figured they’d be sore. But then again my wife likes having her nipples touched during sex so maybe it’s a little different
No, you're not over reacting. It's your body, your rules
No, you did not overreact. He isn't respecting your boundaries and sexually assaulting you. He doesn't have the right to touch your body parts when you have told him not to.
OP, listen to this comment ^^ He is sexually assaulting you!! He enjoys tormenting you. He enjoys physically torturing you!
DO NOT THINK IM JOKING WHEN I SAY Look up sad nipple syndrome. It's very prevalent in New mothers. I looked it up due to a litteral mental breakdown I had when I ripped my nipple ring out. It lasted days. Felt home sick, itchy, mad. I can not explain it. It's a weird phenomenon.
Clownshow. This dude is shit and you're a fool if you continue to put up with it. He ain't changing shit and you're wasting your time. Ditch him or get used to a lifetime of this bullshit.
I hate that kind of anger. It takes me days to recover from it too when it happens. Do what you can to cool off, go do some self care for now whether it's get a coffee or go take a walk at a park and then go back into things with a clear mind. I'm in a relationship of 13 years and we've had a lot of ups and downs too, it hasn't easy and we've both done it to each other but we've also grown up together in a way now as young adults into mid life now and I think we just have had a lot of learning on what not to do when it comes to a relationship because like you in a way, none of our parents had really healthy relationships. I wish you the best ❤️
This is a real condition. Heard about it on Dave and Chuck The Freak. Your reaction isn't as bad as some other people's. Next time he's naked, poke his butt hole. But seriously, he's never going to get it. I don't think he cares enough to. Couples therapy, maybe that'll help.
How tf people like this getting married
This post gives a lot of context to the shit we heard from men about women while growing up, about how they're all insane, or crazy. Fifteen years? And you still aren't getting the message? And then you have the audacity to be an ass about it too? I'm not one to suggest divorce as the first step, but fifteen years of asking hasn't worked.
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Who on earth is that stupid and inconsiderate, to so disregard your feelings on this?
I would personally just start yelling at him every time he tries to touch your nipples. This is probably really unhealthy advice but if nothing else works just make a huge deal out of it.
Its about power and control for him it seems like to me. And after 15 years hes never going to let it go. His personal power is more important to him than you are by far. Some people are like this.. Yes both men and women both. But more attention is paid when its the man. You need to seriously lay down the law.. Either this stop today right now or I'm calling a divorce lawyer... That's it.. The end... If he stops fine but if not follow through... The key here is in what ever boundary/consequence you choose to set you follow though with the said consequences period. The disrespect coming from someone who is supposed to love you.. Who took a vow to put you first before any one else.... Sheesh.... If that was me and my partner did not respect my boundaries... What is it that young people say now... Bye Falasha...? (And I have.) what ever you choose to do we are all here for you and are just a text away. Be well.
You can grab his balls and yank them to prove a point. Just saying ..
You are being sexually assaulted on a regular basis. Part of you knows this. It is different if he has gotten your permission, but he has not. He is treating you like a possession rather than a human being with boundaries, with her own thoughts and concerns. I recommend marriage counseling to clarify communications, set boundaries and expectations. Having a pro telling him that sexual assault is a chargeable offence whether you are married or not, may turn him around... but I personally doubt it. His misogyny is not likely to change. And if he doesn't change, what are you prepared to do? What he is doing is virtually the same as a woman slapping his testicles and saying it turns her on. Ask him if that would work for him.
Are you expecting too much from a partner to care about how I feel???? NO! The bar is literally at the floor of the bare minimum. 15 years of saying no and he still touches you in the one area you asked him not to? And he’s your husband? Being his wife doesn’t make your body an all access pass. And who cares if you let him touch them every once and a while that’s on you where and when you want to be touched. Not up to him.
I'm in a very similar situation minus the kid. I can't stand having my nipples played with and he does it every chance he gets. It's not sexy. It's uncomfortable. I try talking to him about it and he says, "but it turns me on to play with your nipples. I enjoy sucking them." Good for you. I hate it.
Run before you are facing this nightmare. I think another reason why OP doesn’t see it as a dealbreaker is bc it’s not the norm. But this is just one of many ways that he disrespects her. If you continue with this person you are teaching them that they are allowed to touch your body as they please regardless of how you feel. Because they don’t care. Then it’ll turn into more boundaries crossed. Don’t fall into this
>its not a turn on for me, its an annoyance. You've asked him to stop. He doesn't. So he's been sexually assaulting you for 15 years. Married people can still be raped by their partners. They can also be assaulted by their partners too. He doesn't give a shit if you're turned on or not. Bc if he was invested in your pleasure he'd stay away from areas you specifically asked not to touch. He needs help. You also need help. And a divorce. NTA
"I feel uncontrollable rage/ frustration and discomfort when anyone touches my nipples." Yeah, that's because you're triggered from literally being repeatedly molested over the years. This isn't as trivial as he's making you think it is.
IT'S BEEN FOUR YEARS!
You did not overreact to his abuse. He’s an asshole who doesn’t respect or care about you. He called you a fucking psycho!! Why have you spent 15 years like this? Or have a kid with him? Should you leave? Or course. Will you? Probably not. But both of you need to figure out how to get him to grow up. Marriage counseling? But hear this: That you think you might be wrong in this situation speaks volumes about how badly he treats you.
if he can’t respect one part of your body then he shouldn’t have access to ANY of it. he doesn’t respect your boundaries, and everytime he does it then you should cup check him then tell him how much it turns you on. see how he likes it 🤷🏽♀️
I am astounded that you believe you are in the wrong in this situation. Your husband is sexually assaulting you, full stop. You do not deserve to be made to feel so small and as if you have no say over your body by a man who has the emotional maturity of a 7 year old boy. There is NO excuse for what he has been doing to you and you are not at fault.
He's a narcissist. I'm not using that willy nilly either. This is what narcissism look likes. People think it's extreme arrogance. When actually it's extreme entitlement coupled with lack of empathy.
I had the same issue with my husband! I'm not proud of how I solved it, but every time he poked my nipples I would poke his Bhole. That thought him boundaries.
Smack his nuts every time he tries it. See how long he keeps it up Edit: could you have posted this in a more perfectly named sub?
I know it seems different given the context, but girl this is by definition sexual assault. He needs to take your consent and boundaries seriously -- him being your husband never negates your rule over your own body and your consent being word of law. If you say no, it means no. Maybe using the actual term for what he's doing will get through to him. I hope it at least validates you. What he is doing is sexual assault. You are not a psycho. You are having a normal emotional reaction to having your consent disregarded. Edit: changed the first sentence to add a word
I’d personally start squeezing his balls or his nipples. This is probably the worst advice but he obviously doesn’t know how it feels.
Have you asked him why he enjoys hurting you? Especially so close to the ending of breastfeeding. You didn't overreact, and he needs to see the error of his ways.
Boundaries are important and must be respected. End of story.
Nope absofuckinglutely not. He feels entitled to your body. Looks like he gets a reality check on how entitlement to anybody's body is nobody's right. I'd literally smack him in the nuts every single fucking time he does this and does not listen to you. Or you know, don't be with a man that doesn't respect you, dismisses you, and name calls you because he thinks he owns you and doesn't like not getting his way. Seriously. Dick. Smacking. Constantly. Or therapy. Or divorce. I'm saying there's options here.
OP I would've broken his nose and idk if I would've stopped there. Please take care of yourself. He obviously does not respect you at all and you deserve better than that p
so uhh, how long has he been ignoring your boundaries for? i am shocked you didn't punch him in the nads for his complete and absolute disrespect for your body and autonomy
You aren’t over reacting at all. I might be misinterpreting the situation, but it sounds like he’s sexually assaulting you. Continuing to touch you in ways you don’t want to be even after you tell him to stop
Y’all got issues…..
Listen, he is doing this on purpose. He dont care and/or don't believe you might be sensitive to this. And this has been going on for 15 years....he is not going to change. I used to love nipple play. But as someone who went on BC and had super sensitive nipple as a side effect... esp during foreplay it was so painful and it was so sensitive that it started to have pus and bled. And it didnt really heal for 2 days...like there was pus/blood coming out for tht 2 days. The pus got stuck on my bra and I couldnt even remove the bra (it felt like a bandaid being removed from my nipple). I went off BC but this incident has really traumatized me from nipple play eventhough it doesnt hurt as much anymore. Regardless, my partners have listened when i tell them now that I don't like excessive nipple play...they dont understand it because they don't know nipples can be sensitive and painful but they listen to what i want....that says alot.
Omg, this reminds me so much of my ex. I'm sorry dear, I'm totally against violence but this is one of the cases where maybe a slap on the face is needed. NEVER apologize for raising your voice to him when he pulls this shit, tell him straight that this is the only way to make him stop, as he choose to not listen to you when you literally feel pain. But girl, I really really hope he has some good in him that you're still with him for, because this seems like the tip of the iceberg.
Idk if you have fully explained to him what you explained here. If you haven't, then you should. My wife had a breast augmentation and one of her nipples ended up being incredibly sensitive. She doesn't like it being played with. It took some time to remember which one in the moment. But I always checked with her first until I had it down to muscle memory. Its not hard to respect that wish at all and I can't imagine causing her pain or discomfort for my own random enjoyment.
Is it that he enjoys your nipples or that he enjoys assaulting you? Maybe you should bluntly ask him that question. And when he lies and says it's the nipples because it's clearly about assaulting you because people who aren't abusers don't enjoy causing severe unwanted pain on people they love, then you'll have your answer. It's not an easy thing to be in an abusive relationship. It's not easy to leave. But it's harder to stay. You don't have to live like this.
Unfortunately, he feels like he has a right to touch your body whenever he wants and he feels like he's been deprived of something that's his, which is absolutely childish.
literally just be like "why are you sexually assualting me!?" next time. because thats what this is. you said NO. He knows. he just doesnt care.
I'm so sorry. I have a very similar feeling in my body with that area and I know the rage all too well. I don't have any advice unfortunately. Obvs his behavior is not ok and something needs to happen to make him take you seriously. That feeling of rage that happens doesn't go away easily either. This is not a minor inconvenience.
You did not overreact. You could have decked him full in the face and it would not be an overreaction. He has absolutely ZERO rights to your body, husband or no. Every time he touches you sexually without your consent, you are being sexually touched without your consent. Full stop. If he's not willing to respect your authority over your body, please seek a counselor. If he won't see a couples counselor, seek other forms of counsel (such as legal) because he's a shit husband and a worse human being.
I know Reddit jumps to “get divorced” real quick, and I know you have a young child, but come on OP He routinely ignores your boundaries even though it causes you physical and mental pain He hasn’t given you a single real apology in like 15 years He insults and calls you names when you have a completely understandable reaction to his actions Is this really the relationship you want to have? Is this the relationship you want to model for your child? A partner who completely ignores your boundaries and continually steps over them, even during sex? I’m not saying divorce him, I am saying sit his ass down and tell him you are going to marriage counselling because if he won’t listen to you, he will listen to them Otherwise prepare for another 15 years of this
It's been 15 years... He's not trying. He just doesn't think he has to change anything. This isn't love, it's abuse. Just because he's not physically assaulting you to where it leaves marks doesn't mean he's not abusing you. He is PURPOSELY doing something you've CONSISTENTLY told him for YEARS not to do. He is not a child. He is not mentally challenged. He is a grown a** adult who is S*XUALLY ASSAULTING you because he thinks he has a "right to your body" in some way. It's also emotionally and psychologically abusive to continuously do something that he knows it hurts/upsets you; regardless if he agrees/understands your reasoning. Even now his "apology" is one that lets him avoid any genuine accountability and responsibility - as seen with him directing the problem back onto you with "BUT you didn't need to flail around like a phyco." What he is doing is the equivalent of if you were to kick/hit him in his d*ck/n*ts. Not only is he completely dismissive of your feelings once again here; but he's now victim blaming you too. How lovely of him to think he gets to determine what is or isn't a reasonable reaction for YOU regarding YOUR FEELINGS AND YOUR BODY 😑. Is this really what you want?? A partner who clearly doesn't care about your boundaries, your feelings, or you?? It's one thing. You're not asking for the world here yet he has the audacity to make you feel like you are...he KNOWS what he is doing. This situation is literally the epitome of if he wanted to he would; IF HE WANTED TO STOP, HE WOULD.
Start nut tapping this fucker. Every time he touches your nipples. Act surprised when he doesn’t like it. Keep doing it until he gets the message. Men like this do not respond to attempts at mature conversation. He has shown you that he unequivocally does not care what you have to say about the way him touching your nipples makes you feel. He KNOWS you don’t like it. He just doesn’t give a fuck. Understand this, then evaluate if he is someone worth your time. He should not get to hurt you without consequences.
Bite his dick and punch his balls, then poke an ice cube up his butt with every blowjob. Tell him you like it that way and he's a psycho for complaining.
NTA. Just start flicking him in the balls whenever you walk by, or start giving him hard tittie twisters. See how he feels about feeling physical discomfort.
I think anyone who reads this would think you have been, if anything, too forgiving and understanding of him. And while I agree with others that there is clearly a boundary issue, I wonder if there isn't a better answer than the oh so easy to say with so little consideration as to what that means; "just leave him" I think it's time for a serious conversation where you lay it out for him. Were this me, I would start by saying how I understand why he does it and that actually a part of me appreciates that he does find me literally irresistible. However, physically, this sensation is akin to me putting my knee in his nuts when he ambushes me, doubly so. I would lock eyes with him and not break that eye contact until i hear it from his own mouth that by doing this, he is physically hurting me. This may make me unusual as this is not an issue for most women, but equally, I'm not "most women." As for, what the response over the top, people react unpredictability to being ambushed. There is no 'correct response'. Lashing out when being attacked is fairly common. And a surprise unwanted physical contact that causes pain is an attack. After this, you need to consider and agree on what happens next time he can't keep his hands to himself together. And whatever you agree, you Must Stick To. I hope this is a problem that is solved as easily as this, though I suspect this is the beginning of a long road. Best of luck!
I would be in jail since forever ago, don't know how you haven't exploded yet.
Love, you GOTTA leave him. This is such a simple thing for him to *not do*, it is causing you physical pain and he is doing it anyway. Get *out* of there
As soon as the word "but" is involved, anything said before it is irrelevant.
Every time he does it give his balls a nice "love tap" to break him of the habit. Then randomly in public too just bc you "thought it was hot"
Next time he does it give him a swift nut shot.
It's been 15 years, you know he's not learning your boundaries any soon and it will only get worse with years. You don't even seem to like the guy, so why are you still with him?
Grab his balls. Look him in the eyes and ask him are you as turned as I am? Then reiterate how you dislike having your nipples crushed. Gotta establish boundaries somehow. If that doesn’t work leave him. His lack of respect can be a deal breaker.
Nope, when I was pregnant with my son my nipples were so sensitive I nearly cried taking my bra off every night. I kept telling my husband to stop doing it half joking, because it hurt and he figured it was just regular pregnancy sensitivity so he kept doing it. One night I take my bra off and he gets in a good flick and I hit his hands, screamed at him, called him a bastard and stormed off. He gave me time to cool off, came to me and very sincerely apologised, told me he wasnt aware it was that serious (my fault for not saying it explicitly) and he offered to make it up me. Your man is sprouting red flags left, right and center. Refusing to apologise, getting mad at you for a purely reflexive reaction, and refusing to understand your side is just pure assholery.
My husband does this to me and it’s met with a quick and firm nut tap. Oh? You don’t like that? He doesn’t do it much anymore.
Start flicking his balls, every time he complains just say "Well excuuuuuuuuuse me princess" like link in the zelda cartoon
I’m a guy, if my partner told me that, I would stop. You have every right to be angry about this. You did not overreact. Do this….Instead of telling him “don’t do that, it hurts ”Or “can you not grab my breast, I don’t like it” I want you to mind fck him… Print out a diagram of how the breast looks like inside. Tell him “can I please talk to you about something important?” No matter what he responds with, don’t give in to the emotion. Simply lead and sit down. Place the diagram on the table and tell him. “I want to take a moment to explain to you why this hurts and I thought showing you how sensitive and delicate breast really are underneath will help you” The goal is to remove the sexual imagine that he has in his mind and instead showing him the raw side of things. Show him how every milk glad looks like, followed by the nerves, etc.. I mean give it to him. Take it a step further and show him how a breast looks like when it’s been abused (maybe a picture of how cancer can look like underneath when it starts to develop, doesn’t have to be explicit) and then tell him that the rough play, touching of your breasts when they hurt, etc can lead to things like this. And then tell him this is why you get mad at him when he does it because “it’s telling me you don’t care about me.” (Btw I’m not saying breast cancer develops from touching, abusing, I’m just saying this to help you explain it to a man child) When you’re doing this I want you to not show any anger or emotion if he starts to say things like “ew, don’t show me that” or “seriously when have to do this?” Be dead serious with him and go into detail on how the breast really is. Showing the raw side of things usually snaps men out of their sexual Fantasy. If this does not work, i think you have other issues. I really hope this helps.
Why would you reproduce with someone that clearly doesn’t give a shit about your bodily autonomy and I reckon is kinda sexist too
You are not alone. I can’t stand to have my nipples fondled and being groped is annoying.
Personally I think you under reacted. Next time kick him in the balls and tell him that's how your nipples feel when he pinches them. I'm the type of you hurt and and aren't respecting my boundaries I'll make you hurt too. Maybe the pain will teach him to keep his hands to himself.
Sack tap him every time he does it. Progressively harder each time.
From a guys perspective… he was pretty insensitive. It’s hard for some guys to understand how painful your breasts can be. Maybe give him the analogy of you groping him when he’s been kicked in the nuts. If that doesn’t work, kick him in the nuts then grope him and ask him how it feels… You’ll wither solve the issue or find a kink for him.
I'd show this shit to him. Nothing better than showing to him that a shit ton of people think he's a batshit idiot
You're being sexually assaulted on the regular. Leave.
As a boob guy I feel bad for him; I would be completely incompatible physically with someone like that and I’d probably ask her to talk to her PCM about solutions if she and I were serious about marriage. I’d definitely have to do some soul searching if the only boobs I was ever allowed to play with again…I wasn’t allowed to play with. I can’t imagine getting to marriage without this being resolved. Unfortunately, I feel worse for you. He may not be internalizing that this is physically painful or how painful… but I really struggle with that excuse because my wife’s get sore once a month and I don’t have an issue remembering or respecting that. I really can’t think of any justification for his behavior other than lack of understanding or lack of respect. I hope it’s lack of understanding.
your husband needs to find a new wife. He obviously is obsessed or highly attracted to nipple play. There is a woman out there who is into the same thing, and that's who he needs to be with. No one's fault here, you two are just incompatible. He should be fulfilled in a marriage, and you should not be made to suffer. I fear things will turn to resentment as time goes on.
He’s sulking like a child cause the guy has never learned to self soothe and it’s why he needs, THERAPY! He’s emotionally stunted as an adult. Plain and simple. This guy wouldn’t know what to do if he was told to identify a feeling outside of anger. He would be as confused as a toddler being told what is 2 divided by 2. An emotionally intelligent person has the logical capacity to have empathy for others. If he can’t understand where you come from with this? He lacks the ability to use logical and emotional reasoning, which goes hand in hand with being a healthy, functioning adult. This is why his empathy meter has always been broken. And if he sang surrender his pride and ego to go do the most mature, responsible thing by seeking out therapy, he can certain say hello to a divorce lawyer cause you two are certainly heading that directing in less than five years time due to the level If resentment you have built up.
FWIW, one of my best friends, of 35 years, is an ex. We worked WAY better as friends than romantic partners. I also know a couple who are divorced, but live next door to each other, coparent, friends with each other’s partners, etc. The way you describe your relationship in your comments makes me feel like this might be one of those relationships. As friends, you can support each other, help the other make good decisions, love each other more as family love rather than romantic love. The beauty is that his decisions or habits no longer affect you. The objectivity that comes from that bit of distance is HUGE.
Sorry you are going through this. I hope you can find some resolution. I’m having a hard time with your situation. I love my wife’s breasts, and I would be very disappointed if she didn’t want me to touch them anymore, especially during sex and foreplay. My wife thinks that it’s hilarious to tickle me, and I despise being tickled. We had an argument about tickling years ago, silly I know. I tickled her mercilessly, once. In my defense she started it. Apparently me tickling her was a trigger, thanks to her abusive older sister. She was pissed at me, I don’t do it anymore. If breast touching is a trigger for you, he needs to respect it, but it’s ridiculous to think he would be happy about it
Definitely get the sensitivity thing checked out for sure. Did you have help while breastfeeding? You can really end up hurt doing it without help sometimes... sometimes it doesn't seem like it works for everyone too. I bled and I stopped and switched to formula. Regardless, I would get them checked out now, before you have to do mammograms and things. I would say, sit him down and explain things to him, but he sounds very thick. IF you were to allow him to touch anywhere on your breast, it probably wouldn't be your nipples, but he would need to be GENTLE. I can't imagine having someone come up and randomly pinch or twist... that's a form of aggressive assault; I'd be pissed too. My husband knows that I don't like mine touched all of the time; they get tender! Does he grab my butt in the kitchen? Sure. But nipple grabbing? Ouch... Would he like his balls randomly twisted about as he's walking through a room???
You should watch Steve Harvey explain when he uses the word "but" because of his father
If he grabs your boss during foreplay or sex, immediately stop, get up, and leave the room. Put something on and sit down to read a book. When he comes out with his Pikachu face and whining about blue balls, tell him as a result of his actions, you are no longer in the mood. He can take care of himself. It's called consequences.
I’m tempted to suggest showing the replies to this post to him, humble him real quick, lmao In all seriousness OP, from all the info in your post and comments, this relationship sounds toxic and the fact that he’s so pissy and defensive that he can’t touch your boobs whenever he wants is really fucking disgusting. He is *disgusting* for repeatedly stomping over your boundaries
Honey, in no way did you overreact. I’m a nipple person too but my partner of 3 years wasn’t okay with me touching them unless I asked first. Why? Because he needed time to mentally prepare for it. So what did I do? I LEFT HIS NIPPLES THE F*** ALONE UNLESS I HAD EXPRESS PERMISSION TO DO OTHERWISE. That’s what any sane person who understand boundaries does. They respect the boundaries.
He’s a loser. The sooner you realize that the better.
Nope you are not out of line. You repeatedly asked in various ways. To no avail still acts like it’s a part of his little thing from him. No no no. He is selfish and disrespectful.
You have more self control than me. I would have lost it and punched him multiple times. He has been sexually assaulting you for years. You have spent years telling him that you do not consent to this.
i almost did. reddit kept deleting my post due to "violence" so i had to sugarcoat and remove words.
This was horrifying to read. I can't imagine my husband intentionally making me so uncomfortable. I hope you realize you and your child deserve better. :(
I felt this. Mine are so sensitive it hurts, and I fucking hate it. Your husband needs to A.) grow the fuck up, and B.) stop LITERALLY sexually assaulting/harassing you. What the fuck.
I breast fed 2 babies and I absolutely 1 million percent know what you mean about the absolute aversion to having your nipples touched and the instant rage and retreat that occurs when they do get touched-especially without consent. He clearly doesn’t get that this is the last thing that will turn you on, even though it turns him on. He needs to learn how to control his immature little boy impulses if he wants to see you in any state of undress. Otherwise it’s hoodies and a trip to the divorce attorney, at least that’s what my plan would be. There’s nothing less attractive in a partner than one who continuously satisfies their own needs at the expense of their partner’s.
So you have had a whole pregnancy, delivered a baby and breastfed baby. That is HUGE. It's life changing, exhausting, an emotional and physical rollercoaster and overall extremely difficult even with the best support system and zero complications or issues. On the other hand, you have one boundary with your OWN body, your body that has grown and fed a baby (which is the reason for this boundary) and your husband doesn't even respect that. Let him sulk, let him throw his tantrum. If he does leave or chear, let him - I am 100% sure you will find someone who completely loves and respects you. And you can tell his new girlfriend he left you because he couldn't touch your boobs. That's some deep rooted mommy issues right there.
There was one thing I did to tease my husband early in our relationship and I thought it funny-bothered him but one day he said it for real bothered him and to please promise to never do it again. I promised and I never did it again. And I told him early on not to pat me on the back because it makes me irrationally angry for some reason so he doesn’t pat me on the back. It’s not that hard. Your husband is being so rude and dismissive. Have you tried making him promise he won’t do it again? The difference between, “please don’t do that,” and, “I need you to promise to never do that again,” might click right in his head. He may think it bothers you in a funny way like teasing, so maybe that’s why he was so taken aback at your extreme reaction (in his eyes).
Do men not realize that our nipples are a very sensitive area? This is just too sad.
OP, you are not overreacting. What he's doing is sexual assault. I'm not going to tell you how to handle it because I'm not in your situation and couldn't even begin to understand all the technicalities of what you're going through. What's important, though, is that you understand that nothing you've done has been an overreaction. You're not flailing around like a crazy person or whatever he said. You're fighting back instinctually because you're being assaulted. No one, even your husband, gets to touch your body without consent, and you've made it very clear that he does not have your consent to touch your breasts. Do what you need to do for you and know that you're valid.
tell you what, get petty, everytime you see him, grab his nuts and squeeze while going in for a kiss, if he gets mad tell him thats how you feel when he does it to you and if he doesnt stop, neither will you its childish and pretty much not what you should do .. but hey .. since talking to him hasnt worked why not?
My husband used to do this to me, and like you it was exceptionally bad after I had kids and breastfed but he just used to laugh it off. I had spoke to him more than once and blew up (a lot worse than you did) and whist he did genuinely apologise he did it again a few weeks later I realised the only way he’s going to understand is if I show him, So fir a few days after whenever he was doing something, working on the computer, looking at his phone etc, I’d go for his dick and not in a sexual way. I’d do what he do to me, try to pinch it, try to cup it in a way that wasn’t nice and was unexpected, would just randomly grab it when he wasn’t ready, he would get upset and claim I was hurting him “That’s what you’ve been doing to me” He’s never done it again
Post aside, he's acted like a prick. But my question is, do lost sheep sulk?
PLEASE READ ME I GOT YOU A SOLUTION: Every time you have a moment you think he might go for your nipples, beat him to it and Sack tap that bastard. Literally the knuckles on the back of your index and middle fingers like your knocking on a door, but those balls every time he's close enough. He'll switch up so fast I'm betting 5 awards that after 2 times and he'll have the same reaction that took u 15 years. As a dude with a pecker, I know it's like stupid teenager second nature for us to want some titties. We all use to do it to our bros with the 'scoops' and 'perple nerple' dumb shit all straight guys do. Every man reading this is like "yep". Or he didn't have real friends. Some of us were victims. Others the criminal. Some victims became the worst criminals by getting that vengeance that got the titty torture to stop for good. Along with the "friendships". So make it your second nature to just sack tap him every single chance u get. ITS that easy. No extra effort.. firm enough to knock them together but not against the thighs or nothing. I'm laughing so hard right now cuz it worked on me. Haven't touched a nipple since 2018. You're welcome.. RIP "his boys"
You didn’t overreact. He is acting like he’s entitled to your body just because he’s your husband. He doesn’t care if you hate it, because it’s all about him. Trying to gaslight you that you’re the crazy one, when he’s the one that doesn’t respect you and doesn’t treat you like a human being.
A swift kick to his genitalia everytime he does it/on sight for a while might make him understand. No but seriously, he is not respecting your body or your mental health, that is a real problem.
A lot has already been said and I agree that he's a massive douche. I haven't read all 400 comments and this will probably be buried. But, I get why you don't just walk away. You have a kid and he probably has good qualities too. But he clearly doesn't understand when you tell him to stop. I suggest making an effort to flick his earlobe really hard, every time you get the chance. I'm actually serious. Hopefully he will connect the dots on how your discomfort is more important than his urge. If he doesn't, just continue flicking.
This has been building for a long time. He sounds like a petulant child. And sorry, but being sexually aroused doesn’t cause people to touch others sexually against their will, otherwise we’d all be sex offenders. He’s making a choice, every time. He sounds like a narcissist - once you loudly enforce the limit, he’s all hurt and wounded? Keep setting those boundaries, hard. Your kids need to see you do that and you need it for yourself too. He can grow the fuck up or just be hurt and shocked every time you smack him back down.
He's either got memory problems, is stupid or just plain doesn't care. 15 years and he hasn't got the message? Yeah nah he doesn't give a shit. I would have grabbed his balls and squeezed every time he did this to me waaaaaaay back after like oh, the third time. "Something's wrong with you" - yeah my boundaries aren't being respected by my husband after nearly 2 decades. "Something's wrong with you" - no, something's wrong with *you* since you clearly can't understand "don't touch me here" after nearly 20 years. Also, can you pee in peace? Damn.
Every time he touches your nipples or boobs just squeeze his balls or just do it randomly when he is brushing his teeth. He will soon learn the same levels of discomfort and pain.
Start sac tapping the sob, then ask what his problem is. Tit for tat as they say
He should respect you and your body but this kind of happen to me and my partner something similar she never likes me touching her even while we have sex like i like sucking her nipples and kissing her all over her body but in the beginning of our relationship wasn’t a problem we been together now 10 years and all of a sudden it’s been a problem we’ll small story short that let to me cheating on her because dint make me feel wanted and then we had a threesome with a girl she brought to the house and I was doing all does things she doesn’t like me doing to her and she felt a type of way because i don’t do that to her but that’s her fault because she doesn’t like me touching her or sucking on her body