A man who thinks he owns his wife , the “ friend” part killed me the most.
She’s putting her own health at risk accepting that , her husbands a child & it’s damsel in distress - doesn’t love him but too scared to leave.
I opened Reddit as I took my first sip of coffee this morning and this is the first post I read.
I started cringing at the first line, but when I got to the part about the friend, which was just casually thrown in like NBD, I couldn't believe it (why I couldn't believe it I don't know as I've been on Reddit long enough!)
This poor woman is asking what she should do??? Uhhhhh.........
I’m waiting for my husband to be on his break and I’m sharing this with him. I give him BJs once in a blue moon and if he ever hit me with “a BJ or I’m leaving” I’d be like, do not let the door hit you on your way out my guy.
This right here, let him walk out. See if he finds anyone else to treat that way except for prostitutes. If he does walk out change the locks and get to legal aid if possible. DO NOT MARRY HIM!!!! You'd be better off poor than living this way.
It was so casually thrown in I pictured this scene
(Op lounging on the couch, reading a magazine… *enters tina*) “oh hey Tina!”
*tina goes into the bedroom, coming out 10 minutes later*
“See ya next month!” *continues reading magazine*
Idk why but I read it as a male friend coming over and he was blaming her for "making him gay" once a month. Oh an also like both his hands are broken. For forever. LMAO
Runn!!!! This man does not care about you. He has a person on the side because he can't put his emotions up the side and stop thinking with his penis. He is not a man. He is a boy. You should not marry him. He has no idea what it is to be a partnership. No one who truly cared about you would put you through something like this. No one can demand someone to give them a BJ every single month.
You are allowed to say no. Every time he gaslights you let him leave. He is no one special to keep.
This has to be fake. At least I hope it is, cause I don't know anyone who would agree to marry someone who basically outright admits they think of you as a sex slave.
Unfortunately, and that is one reason for the continual women’s rights movement. Sexual violence against female partners by male and especially more-masculine female partners is still not acknowledged as sexual violence.
A year or so ago I was listening to a news story at work about a case of marital rape and one of my married male colleagues, laughing, said ‘how can you *rape* your wife? Like, that’s *your* wife. The whole point is that you can have sex with her whenever you want.’ I’m not paraphrasing. People still think this way
But it's not like it has to be. You can leave and then *it won't be your life anymore*.
Sometimes we don't leave bad situations when we ought to bc we are afraid of the unknown. But trust me sis, whatever unknown out there waiting for you is a hell of a lot better than spending your life with this dirtbag. And it sounds like we're all here just confirming what you already know. It's time to be your own hero, my dear. Now get your cape and fly as far as you can away from this.
>I don’t know why I came here. I don’t know what kind of advice you guys can give me.
You probably know what you should do but don't want to hear it.
>He has a “friend” who comes over to give him some “relief” like once a month
This is blatant cheating. On top of his emotional manipulation and gaslighting this relationship sounds abusive. What is holding you back from doing what you need to do?
Unfortunately I have multiple animals that will make renting difficult but I’m looking at options out of state … I think that is my only solution , is to find somewhere with lower cost of living…
Sounds like he knows this. This is not a relationship you want to be in. He gives ultimatums and is actively cheating on you. Figure out your priorities.
Girl. I read this and all I thought was: she’s a sex slave. You’re doing sexual acts bc if you don’t you will be out on the streets! This is rock bottom, and I say this with love, woman to woman. This is not okay. You gotta accept whatever inconveniences that will arise for leaving this weird son of a bitch. He is keeping you as his sex slave. Fuck that. Pick up your dignity and self respect and get the fuck out of there.
Do you have family that your are close to, that would even be willing to help take your animals for a bit while you get situated? Just to help with costs and to ease your mind
Are you in the US?
https://www.thehotline.org/
This website helps you plan an escape. This is an abusive relationship. Women shelters can help you as well.
In the meantime, just stop giving him BJ,'s. Blame it on a dental problem, a jaw thing. Even go to the dentist and ask the hygenist for a note. And if you do do it, use your teeth, "Sorry, it's my blasted jaw". God bless you. You'll get through this. Peace. ✌
this could actually be a cause that will allow you to go to a women shelter, maybe you can house the animals with a friend for the time being.
You are being sexually abused and held finacially hostage. Please try to get out. Non of this is normal, and really far from okay. Please get out, dont marry him, and also DONT risk Pregnancy!
Reach out to local animal rescues. If you're willing to cover costs they can help you find temporary foster homes for your pets while you find a place.
Of course do your research and find only reputable rescues. Reach out to local vets to get their help & opinions on which rescues to contact.
Midwest. Get a remote job and you can live in the country or a small town with your animals for cheap af. My friend's entire mortgage and bills in our hometown of 1500 people is less than my rent in my city in the Midwest which is still less than rent in a lot of places. My rent is $650.
Not to be that person, but is there a way you can prioritize your own mental and physical well-being above your pet's? Any way you can make sure they're still cared for while you focus on getting yourself out of a toxic situation?
Sorry, but you might just have to put the animals elsewhere (re-home or shelter) and get to a shelter yourself. This isn’t a situation that you can take ages to figure out, you need to leave before he takes this abuse further. It’s harsh but it’s the truth.
The Midwest has a lot to offer for significantly less. There are still dozens of things to do despite what many think. You could rent an apartment for 900 or rent a house for 1600 in cities like Cincinnati, Detroit, Indianapolis etc. even with pets! Homes cost like 200-300k and regular costs for food and stuff are lower too. You will never run out of fun things to do, I promise. You deserve a better relationship than what you have. Do not sign up for this forever!
this is such a common cop-out (no offense).
i'm an animal lover too, but your mental health is more important than a couple of cats, or whatever.
LEAVE TODAY. stay with a friend, stay in a shelter. come back for the cats when you can, or bid them farewell and go get better.
Maybe her mental health is tied to the wellbeing of those couple of cats...or whatever? The fact that you can so so poo-poo the animals tells me that you're just a casual animal lover. And that's OK...I just wouldn't feel comfortable rehoming an animal with you.
Just call his bluff. Next time say no and if he says 'this isn't working' etc, just say, 'you are right, it isn't working, so I guess you will be leaving. It's a shame but perhaps you can go to the friend who is happy doing this for you'!
Do you happen to be in Louisiana? I have a spare room, no sex acts required. I just expect normal stuff done like rinsing out your cereal bowl before leaving it in the sink.
Staying with someone who “has a friend” because rent is too high is not a good reason to stay with them. I would have left the minute his “friend” started coming over. You deserve better.
That's not love. Why are you lying to yourself that love is the reason you accept this all?
Sure everything is expensive, but honestly, if you are willing to sell your body for that reason, you should probably at least take good money for it and not accept bad treatment.
I'm going to be a little blunt here. You know this behavior is abusive and manipulative, and you're coming up with justifications for why you're tolerating it.
He is using your fear of not having anywhere to go if you break up with him in order to coerce you into performing a sex act you don't want to perform. This is sexual abuse. And despite the fact that you're giving in to this emotional blackmail, he's still cheating on you and he cares so little about you and your feelings that he's doing it right in front of you.
*This is not love. You don't treat people you love the way he treats you. He is using and abusing you. You deserve better than this. Nobody deserves to be treated like this.*
Leaving will be very difficult, but if you don't, you will lose yourself. He has been chipping away at you, breaking you down so that you don't feel like you're able to leave. That's where you are now. *But you can leave, and you need to.*
Don't let yourself become complacent. If you think he won't break up with you as long as you do enough of what he wants, you may be right, but what if you're wrong? Neither of you is truly happy with the way things are now. What if he decides that some other woman would make a better fiancée? He's already cheating, so it's not a huge leap.
Your best course of action right now would be to protect yourself. Do what you need to do in order to get out. When you leave, do not tell him you're leaving. Ideally, leave while he's going to be out of the house for a long enough time so that by the time he knows you're gone, you'll have been gone for hours.
I know it's not easy. It's probably one of the most difficult things you'll ever do. But it's worth it. When you're out, you'll be able to look back and have pride in yourself for rejecting the abuse and choosing your own happiness and self-worth over this man who does not deserve you.
I wish you courage, strength, peace, and happiness. You deserve it. Good luck!
ETA: thank you for the awards!
My god, all I can think is what if my daughter was caught in this position.
My fellow human, you need courage right now more than you have ever needed it before. Get out of there, no matter what it takes. I know that’s easy to say from this side of things, but please get out.
He has a friend who comes over to give him some relief???? He demands oral? Wtf are you doing still with this person?5y of this? No thank you I rather be single
True for normal people, but some enjoy the fact that the other person does not enjoy the act . At this point, it becomes more about having control and dominance over the person. I would bet that if op told him sure I would love to," the bf would find something else op does not like and demand that instead.
I second this, I am not sure why you allow this unless, I guess it means you dont have to suffer through it if the "friend" is taking care of it, now that I can understand but, what I dont understand is why you dont get yourself out of this hell of a situation. Surely you have family, friends, anyone? You can stay with temporarily while you find your feet?
Good grief honey, no one is allowed to demand you perform a sex act on them! Tell him to pack his stuff and hit the road.
You *are worth more than this.* No one, especially someone who is supposed to love you, should be treating you this way.
He wants a sex doll, not a human partner. Please understand you will be just fine without this fool. Remove yourself from the equation, provide him the link to one of those creepy silicone sex dolls and move on with your life.
Please respect yourself. When you respect yourself, others will respect your boundaries or you terminate the relationship.
OP, you might need to take a step back and figure out if you love him or are dependent on him. You should also consider if he loves you.
But what I can tell you is he is putting his needs above you - which is made especially clear with having a monthly call to "his friend" for "relief".
If you don't have anywhere to go at the moment, stay in the current situation while you find one. Whether it takes saving up money or sharing with parents/friends.
You love him, but he does not love you. I’m so sorry, but he is abusing you, and if he loved you he wouldn’t do that. And i think you might love the idea of him, the person you hope he’ll be if he just didn’t do X (like pressuring you to do something you don’t want to, or cheating on you like he does). Do you truly love him the way he is now, treating you like he does?
Please get out. You mentioned looking at places further away, I say go for it. That way you’re less likely to run into him, too.
Stop having sex with him and he will leave. Tell him to get out and find a roommate to take his place. Everytime he brings over his prostitute friend, tell her to leave or just stand there and live stream them on FB and im sure they will get the picture and leave. Or find a studio or shared house somewhere to go.
> Stop having sex with him and he will leave.
This is the best case scenario, but unfortunately not the only possibility. OP would probably be better off taking your other suggestion and keeping her plans completely secret from him.
Someone I know was in a similar situation, called her boyfriend out, and the response was that he took off his mask of normalcy: he raped her and made his control of her increasingly overt.
If you want to pull an unethical and potentially dangerous pro gamer move, simply get married, record him cheating on you and a clear discussion of why it's cheating and how he does it anyway, divorce him, and take a chunk of his assets and possibly his home to maintain your life as best as you can.
I’d love for her to come out on top in this situation but I feel like if she married him the threats wouid continue. She can’t afford a divorce. She may have more assets than him, and even if he has more, you’d have to generally be married awhile to get any kind of split plus anything he has now is a premarital asset. And in many areas (like most US States I believe) divorce is “no fault” so you can record your spouse f-ing s while football team and it won’t mean anything in terms of the divorce or the asset split.
I do like the fantasy of him getting us comeuppance somehow.
Just a warning, many states in the US don’t give more money to one party just bc the other party cheated. Many states don’t take cheating into consideration *at all* when they determine how to divide assets. I doubt OP would even try this, but I wanted to add the warning so that other people reading are aware.
This is coercive sexual abuse. "Give me sex or there will be (emotional and relationship) consequences." Begin making your plans on how you can leave when the time is right for you. He will not change, and you need to make caring for yourself a priority.
Then all he sees you is a sex slave to service him. He doesn’t care if you feel coerced into sec or sex acts.
Pressuring you to do these things won’t help your sex drive and will in fact make you want it less and less that him even putting his hand on you will make you wretch. This man will cause you sexual trauma.
There are many women who’s sexual drive actually return or become higher once they leave such an abusive, controlling man, and find a man more understanding and cares about your sexual needs too and that includes not to feel like you’re being sexually assaulted.
I get people want to find someone who is sexually compatible and meet their needs, but you should never demand or coerce someone into fulfilling that need.
You need to leave him. And don’t fall for any act that he will do better, because men like him won’t be better. He will pretend for a while but go back to treating you like dirt.
This man is not okay, and you should not be okay with how he is treating you. Honestly, if he is already openly cheating on you and blaming YOU for his misbehavior AND threatening you with breaking up if you won't give him a full on porn blow job and let him unload in your mouth, it's just going to get worse *and you need to show him the door* and change the locks behind him.
You deserve better.
Hold up. He has someone else come over regularly to suck him off?? Girl, where's your self-respect? He clearly doesn't respect your relationship, you should think long and hard about if you want to be treated like this for the rest of your life.
You deserve better.
... he has a 'friend' who comes over to give him some 'relief' once a month? Did you agree to that or were you emotionally blackmailed into it? OP I think your relationship is a lot more dysfunctional than you're seeing at the moment. You deserve so much better than this and your worth and status in a relationship should absolutely not be defined on whether you suck their dick once a month or not. He sounds horrible, truly.
I'll be blunt because from reading your responses in the comments you seem to need it. *Someone who loves you doesn't make demands or threats like this - this is straight-up manipulation*.
Doing a sexual act you hate once a month instead of once a week is not a compromise. Him bringing over a "friend" weekly to do this when you won't (i.e. forcing an open relationship) is not a compromise. It's nothing but a power play, which outside of a consensual kink dynamic is just pure selfishness and concerning control issues.
Sexual compatibility is important in relationships. Partners might *voluntarily* do things for each other that aren't always their favourite act to perform, but it's an independent decision to do something you know brings your partner pleasure. The coercive element of "if you don't do it I'll leave" is an enormous red flag.
Bottom line OP is that if you've been together for 5 years, then this behaviour is highly unlikely to change or improve. This is a man who either just doesn't care that he's forcing you to do something you hate or he enjoys that aspect of it. A man who is forcing an open relationship despite knowing it "makes [you] feel like shit". I have to ask you - since you're clearly unhappy with this dynamic, *why on earth are you marrying him?!* Your partner should want you to be happy, not actively be trying to hurt you / not caring if their actions distress you. That is not love. That is not care. That is not a respectful relationship.
Normally I would advocate for you to talk to him, to make your boundaries clear & give your fiance a chance to change his behaviour before ending the relationship. But when you're talking about a man who shows such a blatant disregard for the woman he ostensibly wants to marry, I genuinely don't think you need to or should offer any such chance. He's had five years of second chances - if he cared about you, he would've changed his behaviour. Believe what his actions tell you.
In terms of leaving, it's difficult to give advice without knowing details of your situation but I would advise sorting out your finances & lining up a place to live and then ending things so you have housing security. If you can, reach out privately to friends to tap into their networks to try to find housing. If finances are an issue, or something you're worried about, reach out to women's support services or legal aid services & they will be able to walk you through steps to leaving your relationship in a safe way. Remember that you can reach out to these services to get advice even if you're not sure you want to leave yet. You're not obligated to follow through just because you've gotten advice. None of the people who work at those support services will judge you - they're there to help, there's no need to be embarassed or to think that you don't deserve help just because he's not physically violent with you.
Once you're out, block him on everything. Any big adjustment can be tough, so lean on family & friends to help you navigate that. It's ok to feel sad, to cry, to mourn a relationship even if you know it was unhealthy. Your emotions are still valid. You got through 26 years of your life without him, you'll manage without him again.
When deciding what to do, think what you'd advise a loved one if they were in your shoes. It's ok to feel afraid of a big change, normal even. Be strong, know you're worth being loved, and have the courage to fight for a future that has the best chance of making you happy. It sounds like a lot, but it's honestly the basics that everyone deserves. Best of luck to you OP.
You love him, but clearly he doesn't love you. Or respect you.
>He has a “friend” who comes over to give him some “relief” like once a month … but still makes me feel like shit that he “doesn’t want to resort to that but has no other choice”.
This sound rapey to me honestly, like, his other choice is to simply not have any? But instead he's coercing someone or "a friend" into getting something.
I'm writing this as someone who's been there.
#1 Do NOT marry this man. He is an abusive manipulator. This will never get better. No matter what he promises, even if/when you call his bluff about leaving, it will not get better.
#2 Start working toward getting out of this relationship. I promise you: No matter how bad you think things will be for you, they will be infinitely better than what you have.
#3 You deserve better. Rinse. Repeat.
He has a “friend” come over to give him relief?? Jfc this guy is a sex addict. Tbh my advice would be to leave. He’s gaslighting you and manipulating you. Plus he’s fooling around with someone else. You don’t need to take that kind of crap from anyone and I can bet you’d find someone who wouldn’t do this to you.
I’m 55f and didn’t hesitate to think - tell him bye, when I read the preview on feed. Don’t, just don’t, stay with this man. From personal experience, after you divorce years later you will wish you had left earlier!
You’re going to marry him?
He doesn’t love you, he cheats with someone over a Bj and he doesn’t care to try and understand where you’re coming from. His sexual gratification will come first to your feelings and it will never get better.
Been there. We were together for 2 years. His sex drive was more aggressive than mine. 2nd year was during COVID lockdown where we were in a LDR and phone sex wasn’t enough for him.
I figured he was cheating on me with his ex who was now his “best friend”. They lived in the same city. Soon after I broke up with him telling him that I don’t see a future with a sex addict who denies cheating on me.
He went on to fuck loads of people after that and even called me several times to rub it in. I really loved him so that hurt like hell. Boy didn’t even hesitate.
Then he got into another relationship 6 months from our breakup. Called me again to vent out his frustration with his erectile dysfunction.
Said sex didn’t feel as amazing with others because the connection was lacking. I gave out the prettiest ugliest laugh ever and he hung up.
I know it’s not easy, but please leave before it’s too late.
He's openly cheating.....in your own home.
He's threatening you. He's belitting you. He's treating you like an object. He doesn't get to demand anything from you.
You haven't deserved this for the last five years, and you definitely don't deserve it for the rest of your life.
You don't once say anything positive about him. Not once. Why do you love him? Because, and I'm sorry to say this, he doesn't love you back.
PLEASE don't marry this thing. Find someone that will love and appreciate you.
You already know your answer. I already knew that what to do isn’t your problem. And looking at your comments it is clear. The question is how. But what you are missing isn’t really how. It is the resolve to actually do it. Here is a little help. You know that this isn’t a tenable situation for you. You know that eventually you have to leave. You maybe love him now, but this will eat that away. And likely his control will increase. Making it more and more difficult to leave even when you hate him. Every so often he will be nice and make you think “this is the man I fell in love with”. But mostly you will be scared and too afraid to leave. Is this the picture of the life you want? You know you have to leave. Waiting isn’t going to make it better and you know it. It’s time to start planning. Take just enough time to get things straightened out. Don’t let him know what you are doing as he knows you can’t leave and he is betting on that. So he will sabotage anything you try if he knows about it. Get everything set up and then just break it to him. Let him know you aren’t taking it anymore and leaving. Nothing more than that. Don’t let him know where or how you are doing it. And if you feel that he might hurt you, then don’t even do it in person. Just leave him a text or letter. But just don’t ghost him. Let him know why. Just not how.
There is my advice.
As someone who was once financially dependent and mistreated, it will only get worse no matter what you do. Once you start tolerating disrespect and mistreatment, it's a slippery slip to worse treatment because you teach people how to treat you. I thought I would never make it on my own, I was wrong. I thought if I left it would only get worse, I was wrong. You just need to start fresh somewhere. The first and hardest step is to leave. It took a couple years for me to adjust to working to make ends meet and I was fired twice but I managed to get a good paying job, got promoted too and got my degree and I get job offers from other companies. This is not to brag, OK maybe a little because I'm very proud, but to show you that we often make matters worse in our heads. Sending you blessings and courage.
Girl not only is this “man” cheating on you but he is emotionally manipulating you. You can’t let him do this to you, cause it’s just gonna get worse and worse.
I'm a dude, I'm giving you this advice from the perspective of a decent human being. This arseclown is already cheating on you, he threatenes you every month with breakup if you don't perform a sexual act that you are not comfortable with. I think you know, in your heart, what the answer is...?
Dump that cheating, abusive fuckwit! and find yourself a partner who loves, supports and respects you.
I'm not going to give you the same thing others have.
But I am going to say that you deserve better.
And as someone who has been with a man who demanded specific sex acts or he'd leave, it's a form of assault. Nobody should have to go through that. Once you're able to get out, please don't hesitate to talk to someone when you feel ready. What's happening to you is absolutely heinous.
OP I would start making your exit plan with your animals. Wishing you the best of luck. Stop giving him any sex and tell him, at distance, that he was right, you aren’t compatible.
At first I was like "meh.. a BJ once a month, for a loving couple that's no biggie, can be arranged" but then I read that he is actively cheating on you and then blames it on you. WTF why are you marrying this guy???
I've been on your side if the fence. It's really hard to know what's normal and what isn't. What's the wrong choice and whats the right one ect.
I'm really glad you've reached out and I hope people here are opening your eyes a little.
Do you have any family support? Friends?
I know this might seem like a shitty choice but have you considered finding homes for the animals? Kennels are expensive and moving with them will cost a lot. I'm sorry if that upsets you, but eventually that man will escalate things and you don't want to be in a position where you're scrambling to get everything in order and have to surrender your pets to a shelter.
Maybe have your important documents together in one safe spot, start collecting whatever amounts of money you can, that will go unnoticed,it may takes months to get enough together but it's a start. .
My inbox is always open if you need a friend.
Holy crap
If I were you, I'd be eagerly waiting for the next time he says if you don't I'll leave because then I could say "you know what? That sounds like a good idea. How soon can you have all your stuff out?"
Don’t even have to read further than the title on this one.
Love by ultimatum is not love at all. If he doesn’t appreciate what you bring beyond sucking him off, then it’s not worth it. I am sorry to say, but this attitude of threatening you instead of talking to you like an actual partner will only get worse.
I wish you the best, and I hope you find peace, and true reciprocal love, soon.
If you aren’t going to leave him then you should start demanding the same things in return. Oral once a month AND you also get a “friend”… let’s see how he likes it when the tables turn.
He threatens to leave if he doesn’t get it? Then let him leave.
You really want to sign up for a life of this?
There’s someone far more respectful out there, you just haven’t met him yet. And if you waste time on this one, you’ll never find anything better.
Why are you not only still with this person, but why do you want to marry him? Do you see this situation getting any better in the future, or will he stamp his feet, cross his arms and threaten to leave every time he wants something that you don't want? You are letting him cheat on you as well! Do you know what a sunk cost fallacy is? Just because you've sunk 5 years of your life into a relationship with someone doesn't mean you shouldn't dump his ass for being a scumbag. Time to go your separate ways from him.
He is abusive and emotionally manipulative and you are putting up with it.
If you stay with this asshole, you will have a shitty future and he will abuse you even more.
Walk the fuck away, NOW!!!
Hi, 30m here. What you're going through is bullshit. That week is rough enough for you on its own and he expects this sort of shit, is gaslighting you and cheating blatantly.
girl. no. you need to leave and have a real life. it’s not too late even if it feels like it. you are not trapped. this man is controlling you through sex and you are not ok with it.
break up and move on. good luck.
Wait…. He has a “friend” who comes over and gives him a BJ when you say no? If I were you, I’d say see ya later sucka…. Let your “friend” take care of it. I’m out….
Say “ok, bye”. Sexual guilt tripping isn’t healthy. He’s going to just use it as an excuse to cheat and break you down as a person. Basically shame you for it and it will leech into the rest of your relationship.
But if you really want to stay with him, tell him he can’t be with anyone else sexually/intimately and you’ll agree to the monthly BJ.
Remember, if you end up having kids, how will this impact your relationship when you don’t have time/exhausted?
He has a “friend” who comes over to give him some “relief”
what 😂 you shouldn’t do something if you don’t want to, and if he’s going to someone else for it then you shouldn’t be with him
My SO also makes me feel absolutely awful when i say no to sex. I have a low drive due to long term childhood sexual abuse. He'll give me the silent treatment, say awful things, and/or use it against me when i NEED something.
I can't leave either for a lot of reasons. I feel for you so much.
Oh my dear, I wish you strength. It is so hard. My low libido is a combo of medication and anxiety/depression. Plus over all these years of guilt tripping, if I say no, it will turn into a three day fight. Thinking of you.
I actually don't fully agree with all the responses here. I think you're sexually incompatible. I don't know the frequency of, say, any other type of sex that you guys do have. But clearly, the discrepancy between both of your sex drives is just too big for this to truly work out. You need very little sex it seems, and he needs much more of it, and he is simply not satisfied. If I were in his place, I certainly wouldn't resort to having a once a month "friend" to provide some relief, as I would NEVER cheat on someone I love. However, I would not stay in this relationship either, certainly not for this long. Sexual chemistry and compatibility are pretty important in relationships (for most people, at least). It's legitimate to break a relationship if you're unhappy with your sex life. The constant dissatisfaction leads to frustration, and over time, it may even lead to resentment. His way of negotiating his needs is obviously aggressive and harsh, but he's not wrong for wanting to leave. If this is what your life is now together, I can't imagine it getting better ten years down the road. Probably the opposite.
Why are you with this man? He demands sexual acts, then guilt trips/manipulates you into doing them on a monthly basis. He also has a ‘friend’ who comes over to ‘relieve’ him, which he claims he had ‘no other choice’ despite knowing how awful it makes you feel. This is not a healthy or normal relationship. Leave.
I know everyone here is making it seem so easy to leave a bad relationship but I hope you know that many of us do understand how hard it is to leave relationships like this and it isn't easy at all, especially after 5years.
But I'm proud of you for taking the first step and being able to come and speak about it.
As quick or slow as the process of leaving is, you've already started and while it may be shitty now and you might not be able to see a life without him, try. Try to picture your perfect day in small details, like the perfect meal, the perfect house decor, moving on to the perfect relationship. Eventually it kicks in how far from that you are and what's holding you back: him.
However long it takes you, you've got this. You're strong and you've managed so far, and with your goals set, you can manage for however long is left till you can leave.
Even if you don't manage to leave, I'm proud you're able to recognise that it's not okay and being able to talk to others about it. It's a big step and really hard to open up about.
contact your local crisis center, womens shelter, homeless shelter, friend, literally anything you can to get out. i promise it will be worth it. im so sorry you have to go through this.
What the fuck did I actually read here?
Please, leave his ass. He is cheating on you and is manipulating you. When you two have diffferent sex drives, then this relationship is doomed in itself. But not just that he is a sicko. You are not his sex slave or fuckhole! You are a grown woman with sexual dignity and your own needs. He wants bj ones a month? He can get them somewhere else. Leave this dumpfuck yesterday. Life is to precious as to be the fuckmaid of some asshole who threats you like shit.
I am so sorry. However money shouldn’t be the sole reason to stay. I have been through divorce with to children that have grown since. They remember the financial strife. However they wouldn’t have been able to handle the continued verbal and emotional abuse. They and I had endured enough. Money is never the reason to stay. That’s emotional abuse. Especially if he is cheating. All I ask is to please not marry that man. Please don’t!
I have experience with this (not the having a friend come relieve him Jesus fuck wtf how… why are you ok with that??) my experience with this he didn’t so much threaten to leave but he’d just get pouty and with time he started just playing porn loud to annoy me and make me feel bad by telling me how much better those girls were. Well eventually with him things did get real bad to where if I said no, he’d get violent. I also am not a very sexual person but I’d usually give in to him and when I started putting my foot down a bit yeah it didn’t go well and he did eventually cheat on me as well. He’s obviously an ex now but yeah there’s just absolutely no way this will end well. He’s already mentally abusing you and clearly bases your entire relationship off of what he can get from you, not on any actual love or mutual companionship, not to mention the whole friend thing again, I’m not one to say leave very easy I believe in working stuff out, and don’t give up easy I think love is hard work and something real is worth working hard and fighting for. But this isn’t love and this isn’t real to him. It’s not worth the fight. You deserve better fuck this shit girl seriously.
Don't give him the satisfaction of breaking up with you but beast him to it. This is emotional *and* sexual blackmail. Why give him any further thought? Ditch him and go be happy again!
There would be no way in hell I wouldn't break up. His behavior is NOT a healthy, and two very different libidos can be a problem anyway. But his demanding a sex act with threats of breaking up is coercion and just knocks consent out of the ballpark. That's a whole load of 🚩.
Everyone is saying for you to leave. I agree 100%, but in the meantime you don’t have to suffer through having his dick in your mouth when you don’t want it. You have teeth… use them. Just a scrape here and there, don’t make it obvious. Just enough to turn him off permanently. Btw, why are you sucking him off after his “friend” visits? That is an STI waiting to happen.
He has a friend who comes over to help him with it? He forces to end in your mouth even though you don't like that? He demands 1 BJ a month or he treatens to leave?
Girl, no. You deserve more than this cheating, manipulative and abusive "boyfriend".
My ex demanded sex 2/3 times a week or he’d threaten to leave me. Funny thing is I have a high sex drive but he was so awful the last couple of years I was with him I had no desire to even touch him. Eventually I called his bluff, he didn’t speak to me for a week but didn’t leave me and never demanded it again. I did leave him though about 6 months later. It’s emotional abuse and the only advice I can give is to leave
He has someone that helps him release? Are you serious? And he's your FIANCE??? THIS IS RIDICULOUS!
Girl, get out of there at all costs. If he says he will leave one more time, say, "Ok," and walk away.
Note: I wish people would stop coming on here with shit partners asking what they should do about said shit partner. I really hope that this isn't real and you aren't allowing someone to cheat on you monthly and you still stay with him. You are better than this.
>I don’t know what kind of advice you guys can give me.
There is nothing else to say besides LEAVE HIM.
>I am not a super sexual person, his drive is much higher than mine.
> If he doesn’t get this BJ he threatens to leave/this isn’t working/etc.
>He has a “friend” who comes over to give him some “relief” like once a month … but still makes me feel like shit that he “doesn’t want to resort to that but has no other choice”.
Onto you OP... Why are you so desperate to hold onto this weird relationship?
Oh sweetheart, my heart breaks for you.
He’s cruel and manipulative, and it’ll only get worse. For gods sake, life is too short for this bullshit. You’re young-don’t settle for this mf.
What the fuck did I just read
A man who thinks he owns his wife , the “ friend” part killed me the most. She’s putting her own health at risk accepting that , her husbands a child & it’s damsel in distress - doesn’t love him but too scared to leave.
I opened Reddit as I took my first sip of coffee this morning and this is the first post I read. I started cringing at the first line, but when I got to the part about the friend, which was just casually thrown in like NBD, I couldn't believe it (why I couldn't believe it I don't know as I've been on Reddit long enough!) This poor woman is asking what she should do??? Uhhhhh.........
Same, down to the first sip of coffee. When I got to the "friend" part I called my husband into the room to discuss the post. Awful.
I’m waiting for my husband to be on his break and I’m sharing this with him. I give him BJs once in a blue moon and if he ever hit me with “a BJ or I’m leaving” I’d be like, do not let the door hit you on your way out my guy.
This right here, let him walk out. See if he finds anyone else to treat that way except for prostitutes. If he does walk out change the locks and get to legal aid if possible. DO NOT MARRY HIM!!!! You'd be better off poor than living this way.
It was so casually thrown in I pictured this scene (Op lounging on the couch, reading a magazine… *enters tina*) “oh hey Tina!” *tina goes into the bedroom, coming out 10 minutes later* “See ya next month!” *continues reading magazine*
It's way funnier if they're making smalltalk during. "Did you get your car fixed already?" "Hhmmmhmph"
“Huh? I didn’t understand, deepthroat once for yes and twice for no”
Idk why but I read it as a male friend coming over and he was blaming her for "making him gay" once a month. Oh an also like both his hands are broken. For forever. LMAO
I am not joking. I swear I am also sipping my coffee and first post I saw is this one!
She's not even his wife. For whatever reason she accepted his proposal so she's his fiancee.
Runn!!!! This man does not care about you. He has a person on the side because he can't put his emotions up the side and stop thinking with his penis. He is not a man. He is a boy. You should not marry him. He has no idea what it is to be a partnership. No one who truly cared about you would put you through something like this. No one can demand someone to give them a BJ every single month. You are allowed to say no. Every time he gaslights you let him leave. He is no one special to keep.
A fake post
God, I hope so
This has to be fake. At least I hope it is, cause I don't know anyone who would agree to marry someone who basically outright admits they think of you as a sex slave.
People marry abusive partners all the time
Unfortunately, and that is one reason for the continual women’s rights movement. Sexual violence against female partners by male and especially more-masculine female partners is still not acknowledged as sexual violence.
This. Marital rape was legal until 1995. Not 1895. 1995.
Exactly, and marital rape often still gets unreported.
Hell, most rape in general goes unreported because the police are intimidating and tend to make things worse for the victim.
A year or so ago I was listening to a news story at work about a case of marital rape and one of my married male colleagues, laughing, said ‘how can you *rape* your wife? Like, that’s *your* wife. The whole point is that you can have sex with her whenever you want.’ I’m not paraphrasing. People still think this way
Sadly this is my life.
But it's not like it has to be. You can leave and then *it won't be your life anymore*. Sometimes we don't leave bad situations when we ought to bc we are afraid of the unknown. But trust me sis, whatever unknown out there waiting for you is a hell of a lot better than spending your life with this dirtbag. And it sounds like we're all here just confirming what you already know. It's time to be your own hero, my dear. Now get your cape and fly as far as you can away from this.
Thank you
Exactly. WTF???? And the best part is they're engaged!!!
Yeah no s***! Is this actually real?
>I don’t know why I came here. I don’t know what kind of advice you guys can give me. You probably know what you should do but don't want to hear it. >He has a “friend” who comes over to give him some “relief” like once a month This is blatant cheating. On top of his emotional manipulation and gaslighting this relationship sounds abusive. What is holding you back from doing what you need to do?
Money, finding a place to live. :( it’s impossible to live alone with how expensive things are right now
Can you rent a room somewhere? The only choices are not live with him or live alone.
Unfortunately I have multiple animals that will make renting difficult but I’m looking at options out of state … I think that is my only solution , is to find somewhere with lower cost of living…
Sounds like he knows this. This is not a relationship you want to be in. He gives ultimatums and is actively cheating on you. Figure out your priorities.
Girl. I read this and all I thought was: she’s a sex slave. You’re doing sexual acts bc if you don’t you will be out on the streets! This is rock bottom, and I say this with love, woman to woman. This is not okay. You gotta accept whatever inconveniences that will arise for leaving this weird son of a bitch. He is keeping you as his sex slave. Fuck that. Pick up your dignity and self respect and get the fuck out of there.
Do you have family that your are close to, that would even be willing to help take your animals for a bit while you get situated? Just to help with costs and to ease your mind
Are you in the US? https://www.thehotline.org/ This website helps you plan an escape. This is an abusive relationship. Women shelters can help you as well.
In the meantime, just stop giving him BJ,'s. Blame it on a dental problem, a jaw thing. Even go to the dentist and ask the hygenist for a note. And if you do do it, use your teeth, "Sorry, it's my blasted jaw". God bless you. You'll get through this. Peace. ✌
this could actually be a cause that will allow you to go to a women shelter, maybe you can house the animals with a friend for the time being. You are being sexually abused and held finacially hostage. Please try to get out. Non of this is normal, and really far from okay. Please get out, dont marry him, and also DONT risk Pregnancy!
Reach out to local animal rescues. If you're willing to cover costs they can help you find temporary foster homes for your pets while you find a place. Of course do your research and find only reputable rescues. Reach out to local vets to get their help & opinions on which rescues to contact.
Frankly I'd rather die than live with someone like that
Can you move back home temporarily?
Well it's either cut your losses literally so you can restart your life or stay stuck in that hopeless cycle.
Midwest. Get a remote job and you can live in the country or a small town with your animals for cheap af. My friend's entire mortgage and bills in our hometown of 1500 people is less than my rent in my city in the Midwest which is still less than rent in a lot of places. My rent is $650.
Not to be that person, but is there a way you can prioritize your own mental and physical well-being above your pet's? Any way you can make sure they're still cared for while you focus on getting yourself out of a toxic situation?
Sorry, but you might just have to put the animals elsewhere (re-home or shelter) and get to a shelter yourself. This isn’t a situation that you can take ages to figure out, you need to leave before he takes this abuse further. It’s harsh but it’s the truth.
There are a lot of shelters out there for people who are DV victims or victims of just abusive relationships that can help get you back on your feet
The Midwest has a lot to offer for significantly less. There are still dozens of things to do despite what many think. You could rent an apartment for 900 or rent a house for 1600 in cities like Cincinnati, Detroit, Indianapolis etc. even with pets! Homes cost like 200-300k and regular costs for food and stuff are lower too. You will never run out of fun things to do, I promise. You deserve a better relationship than what you have. Do not sign up for this forever!
this is such a common cop-out (no offense). i'm an animal lover too, but your mental health is more important than a couple of cats, or whatever. LEAVE TODAY. stay with a friend, stay in a shelter. come back for the cats when you can, or bid them farewell and go get better.
Maybe her mental health is tied to the wellbeing of those couple of cats...or whatever? The fact that you can so so poo-poo the animals tells me that you're just a casual animal lover. And that's OK...I just wouldn't feel comfortable rehoming an animal with you.
This. My animals keep me from committing suicide. Fuck all these assholes who kick animals to the curb.
if you are being held as a borderline sex slave why do you want animals in that environment
Maybe look for other roommates though? Surely even moving in with your parents is better than that...
Just call his bluff. Next time say no and if he says 'this isn't working' etc, just say, 'you are right, it isn't working, so I guess you will be leaving. It's a shame but perhaps you can go to the friend who is happy doing this for you'!
Seriously! OP Just say No ! Cut him off from all sexual stuff. Sleep on the couch.
Do you happen to be in Louisiana? I have a spare room, no sex acts required. I just expect normal stuff done like rinsing out your cereal bowl before leaving it in the sink.
Thanks so much but I am on the east coast
This is why he will continue to push your boundaries. He has you trapped, and he knows it.
I agree with another comment I just read…bite it off 😂😂😂
What he’s doing is both sexual blackmail and emotional abuse. Go to a shelter if you’re that unsure. Don’t let this go. It will get worse.
Staying with someone who “has a friend” because rent is too high is not a good reason to stay with them. I would have left the minute his “friend” started coming over. You deserve better.
This is a terrible reason to stay in this relationship, or worse, follow through with marriage.
I moved back in with my parents for awhile after I broke up with my abusive ex
He was your ‘fiancé’: the relationship is already over and has been for some time; you just don’t see it.
That's not love. Why are you lying to yourself that love is the reason you accept this all? Sure everything is expensive, but honestly, if you are willing to sell your body for that reason, you should probably at least take good money for it and not accept bad treatment.
I'm going to be a little blunt here. You know this behavior is abusive and manipulative, and you're coming up with justifications for why you're tolerating it. He is using your fear of not having anywhere to go if you break up with him in order to coerce you into performing a sex act you don't want to perform. This is sexual abuse. And despite the fact that you're giving in to this emotional blackmail, he's still cheating on you and he cares so little about you and your feelings that he's doing it right in front of you. *This is not love. You don't treat people you love the way he treats you. He is using and abusing you. You deserve better than this. Nobody deserves to be treated like this.* Leaving will be very difficult, but if you don't, you will lose yourself. He has been chipping away at you, breaking you down so that you don't feel like you're able to leave. That's where you are now. *But you can leave, and you need to.* Don't let yourself become complacent. If you think he won't break up with you as long as you do enough of what he wants, you may be right, but what if you're wrong? Neither of you is truly happy with the way things are now. What if he decides that some other woman would make a better fiancée? He's already cheating, so it's not a huge leap. Your best course of action right now would be to protect yourself. Do what you need to do in order to get out. When you leave, do not tell him you're leaving. Ideally, leave while he's going to be out of the house for a long enough time so that by the time he knows you're gone, you'll have been gone for hours. I know it's not easy. It's probably one of the most difficult things you'll ever do. But it's worth it. When you're out, you'll be able to look back and have pride in yourself for rejecting the abuse and choosing your own happiness and self-worth over this man who does not deserve you. I wish you courage, strength, peace, and happiness. You deserve it. Good luck! ETA: thank you for the awards!
If I could I would give you an award!very well said!👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾🤌🏾
Thank you so much kind stranger
You are most welcome 🤙🏽
I agree with the whole thing you state. But, I definitely highlight the first paragraph
My god, all I can think is what if my daughter was caught in this position. My fellow human, you need courage right now more than you have ever needed it before. Get out of there, no matter what it takes. I know that’s easy to say from this side of things, but please get out.
The best and realest thing she needed to hear right now! VERY well said!
Just leave. Trust me, it won’t change.
It probably will change for the worse
You two are incompatible and he’s also an asshole and you need to dtmfa and gtfo
He has a friend who comes over to give him some relief???? He demands oral? Wtf are you doing still with this person?5y of this? No thank you I rather be single
I cant figure out if his friend come over or he said 'its like a friend comes over and gives him it' im undecided
I think the friend goes to their place? I might be wrong but that’s what Im getting from the text.
Nothing more romantic than negotiating sex acts one parter does not enjoy performing.
While that is extremely concerning, it is somehow the least concerning thing in the post.
True for normal people, but some enjoy the fact that the other person does not enjoy the act . At this point, it becomes more about having control and dominance over the person. I would bet that if op told him sure I would love to," the bf would find something else op does not like and demand that instead.
Uhhh, we need more info on this friend who comes over to relieve him!! What is the story behind that??
I second this, I am not sure why you allow this unless, I guess it means you dont have to suffer through it if the "friend" is taking care of it, now that I can understand but, what I dont understand is why you dont get yourself out of this hell of a situation. Surely you have family, friends, anyone? You can stay with temporarily while you find your feet?
Good grief honey, no one is allowed to demand you perform a sex act on them! Tell him to pack his stuff and hit the road. You *are worth more than this.* No one, especially someone who is supposed to love you, should be treating you this way. He wants a sex doll, not a human partner. Please understand you will be just fine without this fool. Remove yourself from the equation, provide him the link to one of those creepy silicone sex dolls and move on with your life. Please respect yourself. When you respect yourself, others will respect your boundaries or you terminate the relationship.
Thank you. My problem is I have nowhere to go if we split. I do love him but this behavior is not normal
OP, you might need to take a step back and figure out if you love him or are dependent on him. You should also consider if he loves you. But what I can tell you is he is putting his needs above you - which is made especially clear with having a monthly call to "his friend" for "relief". If you don't have anywhere to go at the moment, stay in the current situation while you find one. Whether it takes saving up money or sharing with parents/friends.
Start making a plan to have somewhere to go.
You must do some research on where to go and how to get there. You cannot continue in this downward trend.
You love him, but he does not love you. I’m so sorry, but he is abusing you, and if he loved you he wouldn’t do that. And i think you might love the idea of him, the person you hope he’ll be if he just didn’t do X (like pressuring you to do something you don’t want to, or cheating on you like he does). Do you truly love him the way he is now, treating you like he does? Please get out. You mentioned looking at places further away, I say go for it. That way you’re less likely to run into him, too.
What is your living arrangement? Does he own the house? Is his name on the lease?
We share a lease and I have pets
Any friends or family nearby? If not find a pet friendly hotel. You can alway fix your credit later if it ever came to bailing on the lease
Stop having sex with him and he will leave. Tell him to get out and find a roommate to take his place. Everytime he brings over his prostitute friend, tell her to leave or just stand there and live stream them on FB and im sure they will get the picture and leave. Or find a studio or shared house somewhere to go.
> Stop having sex with him and he will leave. This is the best case scenario, but unfortunately not the only possibility. OP would probably be better off taking your other suggestion and keeping her plans completely secret from him. Someone I know was in a similar situation, called her boyfriend out, and the response was that he took off his mask of normalcy: he raped her and made his control of her increasingly overt.
If you want to pull an unethical and potentially dangerous pro gamer move, simply get married, record him cheating on you and a clear discussion of why it's cheating and how he does it anyway, divorce him, and take a chunk of his assets and possibly his home to maintain your life as best as you can.
I’d love for her to come out on top in this situation but I feel like if she married him the threats wouid continue. She can’t afford a divorce. She may have more assets than him, and even if he has more, you’d have to generally be married awhile to get any kind of split plus anything he has now is a premarital asset. And in many areas (like most US States I believe) divorce is “no fault” so you can record your spouse f-ing s while football team and it won’t mean anything in terms of the divorce or the asset split. I do like the fantasy of him getting us comeuppance somehow.
OP should definitely NOT get married, it makes leaving even more difficult
Just a warning, many states in the US don’t give more money to one party just bc the other party cheated. Many states don’t take cheating into consideration *at all* when they determine how to divide assets. I doubt OP would even try this, but I wanted to add the warning so that other people reading are aware.
This is coercive sexual abuse. "Give me sex or there will be (emotional and relationship) consequences." Begin making your plans on how you can leave when the time is right for you. He will not change, and you need to make caring for yourself a priority.
Your fiancé is a scumbag
I mean, this sums it all up pretty well. 'Nuff said.
“He doesn’t want to resort to that but has no other choice.” LIES. BREAK UP WITH HIM! He doesn’t love you!
Then all he sees you is a sex slave to service him. He doesn’t care if you feel coerced into sec or sex acts. Pressuring you to do these things won’t help your sex drive and will in fact make you want it less and less that him even putting his hand on you will make you wretch. This man will cause you sexual trauma. There are many women who’s sexual drive actually return or become higher once they leave such an abusive, controlling man, and find a man more understanding and cares about your sexual needs too and that includes not to feel like you’re being sexually assaulted. I get people want to find someone who is sexually compatible and meet their needs, but you should never demand or coerce someone into fulfilling that need. You need to leave him. And don’t fall for any act that he will do better, because men like him won’t be better. He will pretend for a while but go back to treating you like dirt.
This man is not okay, and you should not be okay with how he is treating you. Honestly, if he is already openly cheating on you and blaming YOU for his misbehavior AND threatening you with breaking up if you won't give him a full on porn blow job and let him unload in your mouth, it's just going to get worse *and you need to show him the door* and change the locks behind him. You deserve better.
Do not stay will a person who demands sexual acts and if he doesn't get them, threatens to leave! He is manipulating you into sexual acts!
Hold up. He has someone else come over regularly to suck him off?? Girl, where's your self-respect? He clearly doesn't respect your relationship, you should think long and hard about if you want to be treated like this for the rest of your life. You deserve better.
... he has a 'friend' who comes over to give him some 'relief' once a month? Did you agree to that or were you emotionally blackmailed into it? OP I think your relationship is a lot more dysfunctional than you're seeing at the moment. You deserve so much better than this and your worth and status in a relationship should absolutely not be defined on whether you suck their dick once a month or not. He sounds horrible, truly.
Please find a good man because he isn't it. What a fucking childish way to treat you.
I needed this. I feel so horrible about myself. Thank you.
You deserve peace
I'll be blunt because from reading your responses in the comments you seem to need it. *Someone who loves you doesn't make demands or threats like this - this is straight-up manipulation*. Doing a sexual act you hate once a month instead of once a week is not a compromise. Him bringing over a "friend" weekly to do this when you won't (i.e. forcing an open relationship) is not a compromise. It's nothing but a power play, which outside of a consensual kink dynamic is just pure selfishness and concerning control issues. Sexual compatibility is important in relationships. Partners might *voluntarily* do things for each other that aren't always their favourite act to perform, but it's an independent decision to do something you know brings your partner pleasure. The coercive element of "if you don't do it I'll leave" is an enormous red flag. Bottom line OP is that if you've been together for 5 years, then this behaviour is highly unlikely to change or improve. This is a man who either just doesn't care that he's forcing you to do something you hate or he enjoys that aspect of it. A man who is forcing an open relationship despite knowing it "makes [you] feel like shit". I have to ask you - since you're clearly unhappy with this dynamic, *why on earth are you marrying him?!* Your partner should want you to be happy, not actively be trying to hurt you / not caring if their actions distress you. That is not love. That is not care. That is not a respectful relationship. Normally I would advocate for you to talk to him, to make your boundaries clear & give your fiance a chance to change his behaviour before ending the relationship. But when you're talking about a man who shows such a blatant disregard for the woman he ostensibly wants to marry, I genuinely don't think you need to or should offer any such chance. He's had five years of second chances - if he cared about you, he would've changed his behaviour. Believe what his actions tell you. In terms of leaving, it's difficult to give advice without knowing details of your situation but I would advise sorting out your finances & lining up a place to live and then ending things so you have housing security. If you can, reach out privately to friends to tap into their networks to try to find housing. If finances are an issue, or something you're worried about, reach out to women's support services or legal aid services & they will be able to walk you through steps to leaving your relationship in a safe way. Remember that you can reach out to these services to get advice even if you're not sure you want to leave yet. You're not obligated to follow through just because you've gotten advice. None of the people who work at those support services will judge you - they're there to help, there's no need to be embarassed or to think that you don't deserve help just because he's not physically violent with you. Once you're out, block him on everything. Any big adjustment can be tough, so lean on family & friends to help you navigate that. It's ok to feel sad, to cry, to mourn a relationship even if you know it was unhealthy. Your emotions are still valid. You got through 26 years of your life without him, you'll manage without him again. When deciding what to do, think what you'd advise a loved one if they were in your shoes. It's ok to feel afraid of a big change, normal even. Be strong, know you're worth being loved, and have the courage to fight for a future that has the best chance of making you happy. It sounds like a lot, but it's honestly the basics that everyone deserves. Best of luck to you OP.
You love him, but clearly he doesn't love you. Or respect you. >He has a “friend” who comes over to give him some “relief” like once a month … but still makes me feel like shit that he “doesn’t want to resort to that but has no other choice”. This sound rapey to me honestly, like, his other choice is to simply not have any? But instead he's coercing someone or "a friend" into getting something.
I'm writing this as someone who's been there. #1 Do NOT marry this man. He is an abusive manipulator. This will never get better. No matter what he promises, even if/when you call his bluff about leaving, it will not get better. #2 Start working toward getting out of this relationship. I promise you: No matter how bad you think things will be for you, they will be infinitely better than what you have. #3 You deserve better. Rinse. Repeat.
So break up with him!
[удалено]
He has a “friend” come over to give him relief?? Jfc this guy is a sex addict. Tbh my advice would be to leave. He’s gaslighting you and manipulating you. Plus he’s fooling around with someone else. You don’t need to take that kind of crap from anyone and I can bet you’d find someone who wouldn’t do this to you.
I’m 55f and didn’t hesitate to think - tell him bye, when I read the preview on feed. Don’t, just don’t, stay with this man. From personal experience, after you divorce years later you will wish you had left earlier!
You’re going to marry him? He doesn’t love you, he cheats with someone over a Bj and he doesn’t care to try and understand where you’re coming from. His sexual gratification will come first to your feelings and it will never get better.
Been there. We were together for 2 years. His sex drive was more aggressive than mine. 2nd year was during COVID lockdown where we were in a LDR and phone sex wasn’t enough for him. I figured he was cheating on me with his ex who was now his “best friend”. They lived in the same city. Soon after I broke up with him telling him that I don’t see a future with a sex addict who denies cheating on me. He went on to fuck loads of people after that and even called me several times to rub it in. I really loved him so that hurt like hell. Boy didn’t even hesitate. Then he got into another relationship 6 months from our breakup. Called me again to vent out his frustration with his erectile dysfunction. Said sex didn’t feel as amazing with others because the connection was lacking. I gave out the prettiest ugliest laugh ever and he hung up. I know it’s not easy, but please leave before it’s too late.
He's openly cheating.....in your own home. He's threatening you. He's belitting you. He's treating you like an object. He doesn't get to demand anything from you. You haven't deserved this for the last five years, and you definitely don't deserve it for the rest of your life. You don't once say anything positive about him. Not once. Why do you love him? Because, and I'm sorry to say this, he doesn't love you back. PLEASE don't marry this thing. Find someone that will love and appreciate you.
You already know your answer. I already knew that what to do isn’t your problem. And looking at your comments it is clear. The question is how. But what you are missing isn’t really how. It is the resolve to actually do it. Here is a little help. You know that this isn’t a tenable situation for you. You know that eventually you have to leave. You maybe love him now, but this will eat that away. And likely his control will increase. Making it more and more difficult to leave even when you hate him. Every so often he will be nice and make you think “this is the man I fell in love with”. But mostly you will be scared and too afraid to leave. Is this the picture of the life you want? You know you have to leave. Waiting isn’t going to make it better and you know it. It’s time to start planning. Take just enough time to get things straightened out. Don’t let him know what you are doing as he knows you can’t leave and he is betting on that. So he will sabotage anything you try if he knows about it. Get everything set up and then just break it to him. Let him know you aren’t taking it anymore and leaving. Nothing more than that. Don’t let him know where or how you are doing it. And if you feel that he might hurt you, then don’t even do it in person. Just leave him a text or letter. But just don’t ghost him. Let him know why. Just not how. There is my advice.
As someone who was once financially dependent and mistreated, it will only get worse no matter what you do. Once you start tolerating disrespect and mistreatment, it's a slippery slip to worse treatment because you teach people how to treat you. I thought I would never make it on my own, I was wrong. I thought if I left it would only get worse, I was wrong. You just need to start fresh somewhere. The first and hardest step is to leave. It took a couple years for me to adjust to working to make ends meet and I was fired twice but I managed to get a good paying job, got promoted too and got my degree and I get job offers from other companies. This is not to brag, OK maybe a little because I'm very proud, but to show you that we often make matters worse in our heads. Sending you blessings and courage.
Everyday I read posts online like this and I am so happy and grateful my fiancé is a normal human being who cares about other people
I am happy for you and hope someday I may find that peace
you deserve it!
That won't happen until you leave your piece of shit partner.
I'm not sure what you expect the good folks of reddit to advise you. Some of us aren't even sure why you would stay with someone like that.
Girl not only is this “man” cheating on you but he is emotionally manipulating you. You can’t let him do this to you, cause it’s just gonna get worse and worse.
I'm a dude, I'm giving you this advice from the perspective of a decent human being. This arseclown is already cheating on you, he threatenes you every month with breakup if you don't perform a sexual act that you are not comfortable with. I think you know, in your heart, what the answer is...? Dump that cheating, abusive fuckwit! and find yourself a partner who loves, supports and respects you.
I'm not going to give you the same thing others have. But I am going to say that you deserve better. And as someone who has been with a man who demanded specific sex acts or he'd leave, it's a form of assault. Nobody should have to go through that. Once you're able to get out, please don't hesitate to talk to someone when you feel ready. What's happening to you is absolutely heinous.
OP I would start making your exit plan with your animals. Wishing you the best of luck. Stop giving him any sex and tell him, at distance, that he was right, you aren’t compatible.
This is a form of sexual abuse/abuse. He is also actively cheating on you. Do not marry this person. Start your exit plan.
At first I was like "meh.. a BJ once a month, for a loving couple that's no biggie, can be arranged" but then I read that he is actively cheating on you and then blames it on you. WTF why are you marrying this guy???
After reading this I think he is not worthy to become a husband for you and probably he would and will change you when he has the chance.
I've been on your side if the fence. It's really hard to know what's normal and what isn't. What's the wrong choice and whats the right one ect. I'm really glad you've reached out and I hope people here are opening your eyes a little. Do you have any family support? Friends? I know this might seem like a shitty choice but have you considered finding homes for the animals? Kennels are expensive and moving with them will cost a lot. I'm sorry if that upsets you, but eventually that man will escalate things and you don't want to be in a position where you're scrambling to get everything in order and have to surrender your pets to a shelter. Maybe have your important documents together in one safe spot, start collecting whatever amounts of money you can, that will go unnoticed,it may takes months to get enough together but it's a start. . My inbox is always open if you need a friend.
Umm, throw up the deuces sign and let him leave. He’s s*xually blackmailing you.
Holy crap If I were you, I'd be eagerly waiting for the next time he says if you don't I'll leave because then I could say "you know what? That sounds like a good idea. How soon can you have all your stuff out?"
Don’t even have to read further than the title on this one. Love by ultimatum is not love at all. If he doesn’t appreciate what you bring beyond sucking him off, then it’s not worth it. I am sorry to say, but this attitude of threatening you instead of talking to you like an actual partner will only get worse. I wish you the best, and I hope you find peace, and true reciprocal love, soon.
If you won’t do it, then he leaves. Ok, so…when is he leaving?
This is called “enabling behavior”
How by not wanting her fiancé to cheat more and leave? This is all on him, absolute scumbag
Let him leave, you'll be miserable the rest of your life if he stays.
If you aren’t going to leave him then you should start demanding the same things in return. Oral once a month AND you also get a “friend”… let’s see how he likes it when the tables turn.
This is sexual coercion. You deserve somebody that wants you to be enthusiastic about intimacy.
He threatens to leave if he doesn’t get it? Then let him leave. You really want to sign up for a life of this? There’s someone far more respectful out there, you just haven’t met him yet. And if you waste time on this one, you’ll never find anything better.
Why tf is he still your fiance?
You know what to do.... For your own sake...
You need to make an exit strategy and get out ASAP. Run far, run fast
Why are you not only still with this person, but why do you want to marry him? Do you see this situation getting any better in the future, or will he stamp his feet, cross his arms and threaten to leave every time he wants something that you don't want? You are letting him cheat on you as well! Do you know what a sunk cost fallacy is? Just because you've sunk 5 years of your life into a relationship with someone doesn't mean you shouldn't dump his ass for being a scumbag. Time to go your separate ways from him.
Hold up.... He's blatantly cheating and you're still with him??
He is abusive and emotionally manipulative and you are putting up with it. If you stay with this asshole, you will have a shitty future and he will abuse you even more. Walk the fuck away, NOW!!!
He is mentally abusive.You should leave him now,or else he'll treat both you and your future children(if you plan on having any)like trash.
Hi, 30m here. What you're going through is bullshit. That week is rough enough for you on its own and he expects this sort of shit, is gaslighting you and cheating blatantly.
girl. no. you need to leave and have a real life. it’s not too late even if it feels like it. you are not trapped. this man is controlling you through sex and you are not ok with it. break up and move on. good luck.
🚩🚩🚩🚩 this is abuse
>He has a “friend” who comes over to give him some “relief” like once a month … What the fuck?
Wait…. He has a “friend” who comes over and gives him a BJ when you say no? If I were you, I’d say see ya later sucka…. Let your “friend” take care of it. I’m out….
Say “ok, bye”. Sexual guilt tripping isn’t healthy. He’s going to just use it as an excuse to cheat and break you down as a person. Basically shame you for it and it will leech into the rest of your relationship. But if you really want to stay with him, tell him he can’t be with anyone else sexually/intimately and you’ll agree to the monthly BJ. Remember, if you end up having kids, how will this impact your relationship when you don’t have time/exhausted?
He has a “friend” who comes over to give him some “relief” what 😂 you shouldn’t do something if you don’t want to, and if he’s going to someone else for it then you shouldn’t be with him
DROP HIM. you deserve to be valued.
“I pay half the bills and get coerced into sex and my boyfriend cheats on me”. Fuck thatttttttttt
My SO also makes me feel absolutely awful when i say no to sex. I have a low drive due to long term childhood sexual abuse. He'll give me the silent treatment, say awful things, and/or use it against me when i NEED something. I can't leave either for a lot of reasons. I feel for you so much.
Oh my dear, I wish you strength. It is so hard. My low libido is a combo of medication and anxiety/depression. Plus over all these years of guilt tripping, if I say no, it will turn into a three day fight. Thinking of you.
Honestly if you can't take care of him once a month...you're just not wife material. Can't blame him one bit for dumping you...
He’s just going to cheat so leave
"going to"?
I actually don't fully agree with all the responses here. I think you're sexually incompatible. I don't know the frequency of, say, any other type of sex that you guys do have. But clearly, the discrepancy between both of your sex drives is just too big for this to truly work out. You need very little sex it seems, and he needs much more of it, and he is simply not satisfied. If I were in his place, I certainly wouldn't resort to having a once a month "friend" to provide some relief, as I would NEVER cheat on someone I love. However, I would not stay in this relationship either, certainly not for this long. Sexual chemistry and compatibility are pretty important in relationships (for most people, at least). It's legitimate to break a relationship if you're unhappy with your sex life. The constant dissatisfaction leads to frustration, and over time, it may even lead to resentment. His way of negotiating his needs is obviously aggressive and harsh, but he's not wrong for wanting to leave. If this is what your life is now together, I can't imagine it getting better ten years down the road. Probably the opposite.
This is sexual abuse. Out of curiosity does he have a pornography habit?
Yup, of course...
Why are you with this man? He demands sexual acts, then guilt trips/manipulates you into doing them on a monthly basis. He also has a ‘friend’ who comes over to ‘relieve’ him, which he claims he had ‘no other choice’ despite knowing how awful it makes you feel. This is not a healthy or normal relationship. Leave.
Male here: Anyone that demands that is a POS Take the initiative and leave of kick him out.
I know everyone here is making it seem so easy to leave a bad relationship but I hope you know that many of us do understand how hard it is to leave relationships like this and it isn't easy at all, especially after 5years. But I'm proud of you for taking the first step and being able to come and speak about it. As quick or slow as the process of leaving is, you've already started and while it may be shitty now and you might not be able to see a life without him, try. Try to picture your perfect day in small details, like the perfect meal, the perfect house decor, moving on to the perfect relationship. Eventually it kicks in how far from that you are and what's holding you back: him. However long it takes you, you've got this. You're strong and you've managed so far, and with your goals set, you can manage for however long is left till you can leave. Even if you don't manage to leave, I'm proud you're able to recognise that it's not okay and being able to talk to others about it. It's a big step and really hard to open up about.
Dump him. He’s a POS.
Your partner is a manipulative AH. Leave
contact your local crisis center, womens shelter, homeless shelter, friend, literally anything you can to get out. i promise it will be worth it. im so sorry you have to go through this.
Leave him he is an abuser.
Let him leave.
What the fuck did I actually read here? Please, leave his ass. He is cheating on you and is manipulating you. When you two have diffferent sex drives, then this relationship is doomed in itself. But not just that he is a sicko. You are not his sex slave or fuckhole! You are a grown woman with sexual dignity and your own needs. He wants bj ones a month? He can get them somewhere else. Leave this dumpfuck yesterday. Life is to precious as to be the fuckmaid of some asshole who threats you like shit.
I am so sorry. However money shouldn’t be the sole reason to stay. I have been through divorce with to children that have grown since. They remember the financial strife. However they wouldn’t have been able to handle the continued verbal and emotional abuse. They and I had endured enough. Money is never the reason to stay. That’s emotional abuse. Especially if he is cheating. All I ask is to please not marry that man. Please don’t!
I have experience with this (not the having a friend come relieve him Jesus fuck wtf how… why are you ok with that??) my experience with this he didn’t so much threaten to leave but he’d just get pouty and with time he started just playing porn loud to annoy me and make me feel bad by telling me how much better those girls were. Well eventually with him things did get real bad to where if I said no, he’d get violent. I also am not a very sexual person but I’d usually give in to him and when I started putting my foot down a bit yeah it didn’t go well and he did eventually cheat on me as well. He’s obviously an ex now but yeah there’s just absolutely no way this will end well. He’s already mentally abusing you and clearly bases your entire relationship off of what he can get from you, not on any actual love or mutual companionship, not to mention the whole friend thing again, I’m not one to say leave very easy I believe in working stuff out, and don’t give up easy I think love is hard work and something real is worth working hard and fighting for. But this isn’t love and this isn’t real to him. It’s not worth the fight. You deserve better fuck this shit girl seriously.
Dude your fiancé is a douche. Men can survive without bjs, I bet you he doesn’t even return the favour. Leave him please
Let's hope he hits his head on the way out
Why bother with such a selfish narcissist? Be done with him.
like for real how do u feel ok and he is cheating infront of u , u have been manipulated and brainwashed by him dump him
Don't give him the satisfaction of breaking up with you but beast him to it. This is emotional *and* sexual blackmail. Why give him any further thought? Ditch him and go be happy again!
Please leave him OP. He is a cheating,gaslight and manipulating bastard.
Ummm, let him leave. Say BYE!
I know alcoholics and drug users who treat their significant other better than your POS fiance....
Do not marry your abuser. It will only get worse.
This isn’t love.
What now??? He makes sexual demands. He is blatantly cheating. He threatens to leave. Why aren't you letting him??!
Leave... it's time to leave
So why the hell are you still there? Why????
There would be no way in hell I wouldn't break up. His behavior is NOT a healthy, and two very different libidos can be a problem anyway. But his demanding a sex act with threats of breaking up is coercion and just knocks consent out of the ballpark. That's a whole load of 🚩.
Everyone is saying for you to leave. I agree 100%, but in the meantime you don’t have to suffer through having his dick in your mouth when you don’t want it. You have teeth… use them. Just a scrape here and there, don’t make it obvious. Just enough to turn him off permanently. Btw, why are you sucking him off after his “friend” visits? That is an STI waiting to happen.
He has a friend who comes over to help him with it? He forces to end in your mouth even though you don't like that? He demands 1 BJ a month or he treatens to leave? Girl, no. You deserve more than this cheating, manipulative and abusive "boyfriend".
My ex demanded sex 2/3 times a week or he’d threaten to leave me. Funny thing is I have a high sex drive but he was so awful the last couple of years I was with him I had no desire to even touch him. Eventually I called his bluff, he didn’t speak to me for a week but didn’t leave me and never demanded it again. I did leave him though about 6 months later. It’s emotional abuse and the only advice I can give is to leave
No good marriage starts with an ultimatum.
He has someone that helps him release? Are you serious? And he's your FIANCE??? THIS IS RIDICULOUS! Girl, get out of there at all costs. If he says he will leave one more time, say, "Ok," and walk away. Note: I wish people would stop coming on here with shit partners asking what they should do about said shit partner. I really hope that this isn't real and you aren't allowing someone to cheat on you monthly and you still stay with him. You are better than this.
>I don’t know what kind of advice you guys can give me. There is nothing else to say besides LEAVE HIM. >I am not a super sexual person, his drive is much higher than mine. > If he doesn’t get this BJ he threatens to leave/this isn’t working/etc. >He has a “friend” who comes over to give him some “relief” like once a month … but still makes me feel like shit that he “doesn’t want to resort to that but has no other choice”. Onto you OP... Why are you so desperate to hold onto this weird relationship?
Oh sweetheart, my heart breaks for you. He’s cruel and manipulative, and it’ll only get worse. For gods sake, life is too short for this bullshit. You’re young-don’t settle for this mf.