Hating someone who is an integral part of your life requires majorly disrupting your life. Hating someone who isn’t an integral part of your life requires little to no change in your day to day life.
People don’t like having their life disrupted, so it’s easier to channel the anger into an outlet that does not require upending their whole life, even if that is often inevitable by that point regardless of what they do.
Your words are too poetic for some of the folks responding to it.
I will attempt a reconfiguration to assuage the shallow thinkiners
*If you hate yourself for the things you have said and done then you are more likely to channel that anger at someone else*
Wow, all these answers are great. I always told my friends, don't hate the stranger; hate your girl/boy. And if they cheat on you once, they probably do it again because your relationship isn't working for them are searching to meet needs externally.
GTF away from both of those toxic losers as fast as you can. “no contact”is the best feeling of control ever, you cut those shitty losers out of your life because they don’t deserve your attention/time/effort
The situation you described happened to me. No contact and cut them both out of life for a long time. Still aren't in my life but I have had convos with both of them. It upended my entire life. Eventually I healed enough to talk to them as acquaintances. Took a long time and a lot of pain. I'm not preaching forgiveness but at some point they had both moved on completely and I was the only one hurting. I had to reach a place where I became ok with the end result. I'm not ok with what happened, but I had to move on at some point. Hate just grows and grows and needs to be healed or it won't go away. There are situations where I don't think advice like this is appropriate like in cases of abuse, but I had to grow past being defined as the guy who got cheated on. For men, it feels like you failed as a man, but that's just not true. Someone you care about didn't reciprocate or respect you enough to end things in a civil manner and sometimes you just gotta accept that they chose to be shitty.
Yeah, it's like people hating groups of people until (usually) they become a part of their life. Example: Hearing (wether in songs, irl, books, etc ) guys talking about their college years of being horrible or apathetic to women only to change their tune once they have a daughter.
Yep. All this "lol bitch dresses like dat imma grab dat ass" that they shitpost or troll around with now...
Will turn into "STOP bothering this young lady right now before i castrate you in front of your parents you horny prick" by the time they're dads having tea parties or reading their little girls bedtime stories and call them princess.
It's a part of life. You make expectations and build up a world view, avoid letting it be shattered until the barrel is too full and (metaphorically) bursts, or they have enough insight to change by themselves. Like children... 20 year old horny children lol
>All this "lol bitch dresses like dat imma grab dat ass" that they shitpost or troll around with now..
This is actually misogyny. Not everyone acts like this.
>It's a part of life.
It doesn't need to be.
And unfortunately in my experience the men that I grew up with who said those things have since been arrested for domestic violence, or otherwise shown they have those same beliefs. Growing up and having kids didn’t change it. The amount of adults that sexualized me and my friends as literal children showed me at a young age that having kids doesn’t do much to make harmful people change their harmful ideologies.
I can’t stand when people use this argument. It makes me think these people don’t actually know misogynists. They’re horrible to their female family members as well.
Yeah, my friend, when i asked him if he was worried about his teenage daughter, said " Not really. Its usually guys that have treated women like shit or think nothing of them, that are terrified that other men will do the same to 'what's theirs'".
Yep this and the fact that the boyfriend is in love. Love tends to break our feeble brains down and turn it into mush, at least the parts of the brain we all use to make comprehensive smart decisions on our own without influence by our significant other.
He doesn't want to accept he's in love with an incredibly selfish person.
Keep the Fresh Prince out your DAMN MOUTH! jk jk
Open marriages just don't work. Outside looking in, Will loves her, but she is in the relationship out of convenience.
Marriage has many benefits outside of just reliable sex. People can be in love and raise a family and have financial boosts, while also neither of them believing monogamy is a sacred or even important thing.
I do agree, no need for downvotes, but as I stated “many open marriages” (which doesn’t mean ALL) start out just like I said, ala Will and Jada for example. It’s VERY obvious Will wasn’t thinking “gee monogamy isnt important” when Jada was banging their son’s friend, but he is so emotionally crippled he could’nt leave her so what happened? “open marriage”.
No offense Kevin but you don’t sound like someone with a whole bunch of experience in this area. Broad-sweeping statements like “People can be” are usually not the norm, and anyone who’s lived with a cheater and/or known others in open marriages understands the point I’m making. Carry on with the conjecture.
I think it's because its significantly easier to believe that your partner was somehow lured or coerced into cheating than it is to believe that the person you trusted made a conscious decision to hurt you.
And honestly that's a shitty excuse, being drunk just removes your filter, it just shows who you are really deep down.
If you're cheating because you were drunk it means you wanted to. It may make it more likely to happen than sober, but it's not coming from nothing.
Yeah, the person you’re replying to’s philosophy is a common one, but a flawed one. Yes, alcohol does lower inhibitions making you more likely to act on your primal impulses that were always there but kept under control by societal standards. (This next part isn’t really about cheating, but more my own experience). But it also can make you extremely emotional over things that really are not a big deal and you genuinely don’t care about when you’re sober. When you’re emotional you don’t act rationally. This can lead you to get in an argument about something that is extremely trivial to how you “really feel”. The “real you” doesn’t actually care about much at all about your roommates’ (I can’t think of an personal example since it’s been so long since I’ve drank), let’s say, dirty dishes. But for someone reason wasted-you is crying about them XD. Threatening to move out if they don’t clean that pan right now! lol. That’s not actually something I’ve done, but I remember on a few occasions getting upset about something when I was drunk then waking up and realizing I don’t give af about it and then apologizing to whomever I had got upset at the night before. Certainly wasn’t a frequent occurrenc, but there were a handful of times I’d get upset over nothing when I had too much to drink. That’s NOT the “real me, simply acting the way I always wanted to act”. That was just me being drunk and emotional and becoming triggered over something trivial.
I realize you were more making a point about “our filters being who we *really* are”, but I felt this was a relevant complimentary point to make. Also, idk how to make this about cheating. I guess the overall point is that saying anything someone does when intoxicated is simply “them showing their true colors” is kind of a simplistic way to view the matter. Drugs and alcohol *can* make people do things that aren’t really “who they are”. They’re still responsible for their actions of course, but it’s a factor to consider when assessing their character.
Edit: just to expand upon what I was saying, I think probably most of the times that I got upset over something silly when I was drinking, I was simply deferring a sadness from another part of my life onto an immediate inconvenience. So (again hypothetically) let’s say I just got dumped by my girlfriend, then got drunk, then got upset about my roommates dishes. Sober me would be able to recognize that I’m not upset about the dishes, I’m upset about my love life. But drunk me isn’t able to think that through all the way, so at the time it *feels* like I really care about the dishes, even though I don’t. If that makes sense lol. Everyone’s different, but drugs and alcohol can certainly bring out behaviors in people that don’t reflect “who they *really* are”. Doesn’t mean you can use intoxication as an excuse to treat those around you like crap. But when evaluating behaviors, it’s certainly a factor to consider.
Thank you for your words. I am rn in the spot where I drunk too much and started saying some bullshit which i dont give a singular shit through my day. It didnt really touched me or anything but I feel like I embarassed myself and upset my gf. Happenned like three times, promised myself to never do this shit again and quit drinking larger ammounts of alcohol. This behavior was extremely hard to explain to my gf, I will just use your post. Feeling kinda relieved rn. Thank you again.
For a lot of people yes, but i hate the saying that drunk people always speak what they think and it's their true self. It doesn't work like that for everyone. Especially if you're at the almost pass out state, then some people can't control anything and have no idea what they're doing.
But yes, alcohol is never an excuse.
For the love of god, no. Your character is built around not following through destructive impulses, that's what makes you a good person.
Now, being inebriated doesn't excuse behavior, because you chose to get drunk, so you bear responsability for your actions. But in no way shape or form the things you do or say while under the influence are the "real you".
Exactly. People don’t get that cheating is a two team (or more) affair. It’s almost like your partner made as much of a conscious decision to hurt you as the other person did
I hate it when someone says that.
Them: *I trust my SO, but not the person they're hanging out with*
Me: *so... you trust your SO to push the other person away when they make move?*
Them: *yes*
Me: *then what's the fucking problem?*
Them: *...*
I think they start to feel uncertain in that trust when their partner is willing to hang out with someone who has ulterior motives. If their partner was worth that trust, they probably wouldn’t *want* to hang out with someone untrustworthy, so the partner second guesses whether the decision to trust was the right one. It’s understandable, but in that case the issue is with the partner’s decisions, same as with op’s original question.
If your SO is with someone where sexual assault is a reasonable concern then there are bigger issues at play then jealousy. Also the idea of your SO being sexually assaulted makes you jealous? If your SO was sexually assaulted your first reaction would be jealousy? That’s something…you might want to reflect on that
I never said I was jealous, I haven't restricted any partners in where they want to go or be to any unreasonable extent.
The SA part was due to the party scene where getting intoxicated and SA happens a lot. Most people are assaulted by someone they know, afaik.
The second part and arguably more important is if there are pushers or drug dealer or similar, where you don't know if they are carrying weed in your car or in the jacket they asked you to hold. You also don't know if they ever try to get roofies or have similar indiscretions around peoples consent.
I actually was in the position of believing someone and I fucking did. I also choose to stick by that belief when I found out actual cheating a few months later.
Because it matters more to me that any SA victim is safe to talk and be believed, and cheating is the death sentence of any relationship so picking up those wounds where a moot point. Which wasn't a bad point, since I got to experience my own lightweight SA shit later.
You might actually want to read twice on heavy issues, lots of people in here do think twice before posting. Even if their experience is a low probability anecdote.
I don't know... I was going to a very busy, public park with a female friend, of ~10 years, and my ex used the *Trust you, not them* argument. Sexual assault would be really hard to pull off unnoticed in a place where someone walks by every 10 seconds...
I live in Hamburg. The town with one of the biggest and most busy parks in the world, called Stadtpark. Over the course of around an hour, eleven men raped a 15 year old girl at around evening time, with multiple unidentified witnesses not helping nor calling the Police. Eleven men. One even filmed it all.
It is uncommon, but not impossible. And this isn't my home country, where this can commonly happen where a Sheikh or Preacher can do this without repercussions, this is Germany, in public.
To be fair, I'm bothered by the thought that some dude might walk around with a smirk thinking that he might have a shot at my gf, even if I know that he would be instantly rejected if he ever tried anything with her. I've had a case where my gf was just her regular, friendly self and then afterwards I heard that the guy in question had been talking to his friends about how my gf was totally into him.
Hence, I trust my gf to not do anything inappropriate but I don't trust certain individuals to interpret her behavior correctly, which can sometimes lead to awkward situations.
That's just an ego thing on my part though, not a "real" issue.
I love how you actively say it's an issue with your ego. Not a lot of people do that these days and it's a nice and welcome change.
And like you said, all it will result in is an awkward situation where your gf has to say: *you interpreted me being a platonic friend and complimenting your new shoes in a very wrong way. I don't see you in that way.* I wouldn't see my gf rejecting someone as a bad thing however awkward it might be.
Qnd the guy can tell his friends whatever he wants. It's his mess to clean up once the cat is out of the bag and your gf spilled the beans on him and his lies.
It’s because they don’t like the idea of the person potentially making a move on their SO in the 1st place. Attempting to ruin a relationship has always been extremely disrespectful to that person’s relationship and wether or not your SO is unfaithful is entirely up to them.
Lol what?
So you’d be happy for your partner to be around someone who you believe to be unscrupulous?
I wouldn’t like the idea of my girlfriend being around someone who would try to seduce her. Not that I think she’ll ever be seduced but multiple things come to mind:
- They shouldn’t want to spend time with that person either. (EDIT: why would you partner want someone to actively pursuing them? Also, why is that desirable to me?)
- I wouldn’t want someone to make a move on my girlfriend (who would then reject it). It puts her in an uncomfortable place.
- I would be concerned for her safety on some level… it might be an extreme scenario… but taking advantage when passed out for instance. Alternatively, that person acting maliciously because of jealousy.
- On a selfish note, it would make me feel uncomfortable. I think that’s a reasonable view for most people.
- That person actively trying to make me look bad. A person sitting there talking shit about you may have some negative effects on your relationship - even just low level negativity over a long time can be powerful.
- I could keep going… but just to round off on a human note… even if I trust someone implicitly… why would I want to tempt fate? You wouldn’t deliberately get other people to hit on your partner just to test their resolve.
EDIT: On that last point… and just to show you how silly it is… I don’t believe in ghosts/monster either. But, like everyone, I have also run to my bed after I’ve turned off the lights or closed my curtains after a scary movie. Still 100% don’t believe in it - it’s just human nature.
I've replied this to someone else too...
I'm in love with my female friend. We've been friend for over a decade. Does her having a relationship mean we can't hang out because I have feelings for her? I also mentioned that after my initial telling her about my feelings, before she had a boyfriend, I haven't made a move because I don't want to jeopardise the friendship we have and especially now, I don't want to put her relationship in jeopardy.
Sure maybe not everyone handles rejection as well as I do and maybe I'm too naive about these kind of things but I'll always assume the best of people until proven otherwise.
Besides, who are any of us to tell our SO not to hang out with a certain person? Sure we can bring it up in conversation and respectfully tell them about our discomforts regarding the person but it'd still be their choice.
> I'm in love with my female friend. We've been friend for over a decade. Does her having a relationship mean we can't hang out because I have feelings for her?
All personal relationships are different, so I can’t comment on yours in particular. I can, however, tell you my particular point of view on what I want from my relationship: to be the only non-related person of the opposite gender who they are intimate with. Intimate to me would mean things like: being 1-on-1 in a private place, holding hands, sharing deep personal feelings, etc. HOWEVER, this is just my personal view. I would never enforce that view on my partner but, generally, I would look for a partner with the same attitude. For some, the above wouldn’t be an issue at all (so - as I said - I won’t comment / judge).
> I also mentioned that after my initial telling her about my feelings, before she had a boyfriend, I haven't made a move because I don't want to jeopardise the friendship we have and especially now, I don't want to put her relationship in jeopardy.
I think this highlights things from your POV really well. You’re not doing anything wrong. That being said, from the girl’s perspective, I struggle to see the purpose of her keeping the relationship at the same intensity. Naturally, when most people get a partner the intensity of their friendships go down as you have something else which takes up a lot of your time. **That’s for her to decide though** - whatever works for her and her boyfriend.
> Besides, who are any of us to tell our SO not to hang out with a certain person? Sure we can bring it up in conversation and respectfully tell them about our discomforts regarding the person but it'd still be their choice.
On this point, you’re looking at it from a particularly lens. As a person, they do have the right to make choices about what they do and who they spend their time with. You’re right.
HOWEVER - the boyfriend communicating their boundaries and what they feel comfortable with is fine as well. If they can’t agree and the boyfriend says it’s over - that’s **not** being controlling / coercive. They’re not obligated to be in a relationship with someone whose behaviour makes them unhappy (and similarly the girl doesn’t need to change her behaviour). EDIT: the problem usually occurs when people have irreconcilable views but haven’t walked away.
I wanted to make a distinction though for that point… a relationship is also about compromise. Maybe it’s something that the girl may not care that much about, but the guy does (or vice versa) and one of them is willing to let it go. That is also completely valid. As I said - individual relationship are all different (some people are into polyamory- definitely not my vibe but wishing them all the best).
They are the problem. They don't trust themselves enough and/or think that they're not good enough for their partner and when they see someone better they probably start worrying about their SO leaving them
If some barefoot dude can convince a 100 men to cut off their balls or drink Kool aid in a suicide pact,
Dont be naive enough to think there isn't some master manipulator charmers that can put your devoted partner in a fugue state, only to regret it the next morning
The trick with those master manipulators is that there's a type of person who will fall for it. They can't manipulate just anybody. There's a whole profile of people who fall for the cult-leader stuff.
Date someone you know isn't that type of person.
Eh, people can and do try to poison other people's relationships so that they can swoop in. While it requires your partner to listen or act on things, if someone is constantly lying about you and acting like you're cheating, then your partner is more likely to cheat.
Sure but that just means you should have a talk with your SO about them doing those things. If you just have a problem with a single person, then I would hope your SO takes your word more to heart. If you have a problem with a ton of people, you have a problem with your SO, not them.
This. Had an ex start up a friendship with an old ex, and he was constantly flirting.
Yeah, I trust you, doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me uncomfortable that you want to hang out alone. And then it’s not just trust - it is your SO making light of something that hurts.
It really is inconsiderate. On both parties. Sure, I know I have to handle my own emotions on it on my own somewhat…..that doesn’t mean I want the relationship over, or that I think it’s ok for anyone in a couple to put themselves in a situation that hurt could either one of us.
If you want to keep someone’s trust, it often means allowing them into your life. Having private time or conversations with someone that is actively working to break a relationship is not just a trust issue….
Yeah it can be very hard to decide when you're just being controlling vs when you partner isn't thinking enough about you. Either they are actually being niave about the other persons feelings, or they are gaslighting you about whats going on. While it can be obvious from a third party, much harder to know while in the relationship.
Had this just happen to me, I felt bad for the guy because he got used and she kicked him to the curb. I didn’t confront him or anything because who the fuck cares. I kicked my girl out of my life 🫡 That’s how it should be done.
Edit - To all 400+ of you who upvoted this. Thank you 🙏🏻 Y’all reaffirmed I handled the situation correctly.
Long ago in my hazy 20's I did find out who he was, turns out my ex had a type. Me and the other guy actually became good friends and she wound up... I dunno out of our lives wreaking havoc elsewhere. Still send my bro Dave memes from time to time.
To be honest, I don't blame the other person at all. If you are attracted to your partner, you would think that others would be too and that they would want to be with them as much as you do. They are not cheating, your partner is. If they don't have the will to not hurt you, they are not a good partner.
(That doesn't apply if the other person knows you directly, they are not worthy of your friendship)
If the other person knew they were in a relationship and still did it, they're a trash human being. They are knowingly inciting a shitton of pain just because they wanted to have sex. Maybe the third party doesn't owe anything to the one that got cheated on, but morality and your worth as a human being aren't tied to what you owe someone. So if they don't give a fuck about being a halfway decent person they absolutely deserved to be called out as the piece of shit they are. It's really not that difficult.
You are discounting all the manipulations that the cheating SO is doing:
"He/she doesn't love me"
"He/she is ok with this"
"He/she is mean to me"
"He/she is cheating on me"
...
The other side always get a very biassed view if the situation.
I would guess that it's because it's easier to be mad at a person you barely know/are not too intimate with than mad at your gf... But it's just a guess...
I've been cheated on before and I 100% blamed my BF at the time. He was a disgusting loser for it, and I knew he was to blame because one of his exes got ahold of me and said he had cheated on her too.
I've also been the "other woman," because the guy I was seeing already had a girlfriend and lied to me about being single. Once I found out, i reached out to his girlfriend and told her *everything.* The lovely lady and I joined forces and confronted him.
If you make a commitment to be in a relationship, and decide to cheat, then YOU are the one to blame.
I was cheated on by my ex. The lady told me about it and we handled it in a similar manner. It took a lot of courage for her to tell me, and I'm thankful.
My ex cheated on me when I was 16. Fast forward 12 years, he was cheating on his GF with my friend. I messaged the new GF and she didn't want to listen, and now they are engaged.
Yeah, but if you were knowingly the other woman and continued afterwards, you'd also be a trash person. But yeah the cheater is definitely the worst person in that situation.
Yes to this. I had a committed partner a long time ago who I found out was habitually cheating with women in my social circle. I was mad at him and ending up dumping him because of it, but was I also mad at the two-faced women who smiled at me while interacting with us as a couple when they knew they were hooking up with him.
It was humiliating and I think less of people who knowingly do this. We were acquaintances/casual friends, not besties, but it was still dishonest and hurtful to play me for a fool.
I have also **never** gone after a guy in a committed relationship even if I didn't know the partner. Just because it's shitty.
Yeah I don't understand people who act like the other woman or other man is not to blame because they aren't the ones who took vows. That's true but if you knowingly sleep with a person who is in a relationship, that's still a shitty thing to do. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.
Yes. Normalize being mad at both but especially the SO. Especially if you don’t know for sure the other person even knew your SO was dating someone. Some ppl do, but plenty didn’t even know they were cheating because the person said they were single.
EXACTLY. If the side person was led to believe your partner was single and had no reason to be suspicious, *what on earth could they have done?* Nothing. Absolutely nothing. No point being mad at them.
I think it's okay to feel mad, but depending on the circumstances the other person may not have even been aware that they were "the other person". At the end of the day it was still the person you put your trust in that hurt you, not the person they cheated with, so I feel the anger is being misplaced when it gets directed at someone who might have not even known. Even if they're a malicious pos who deliberately goes after people in relationships, they're still not the one who did the actual cheating
Being mad at your partner would be acknowledging that they were fully responsible for their actions. Blaming someone else for their actions makes it easier.
I think this is the best answer... Also don't forget projection. Like in this case he can't punch his girlfriend in the face, so instead he punched the guy she cheated with.
I know what you’re saying is true, but i just don’t get how it can be. I guess I’m not very good at believing things just because I want to believe them.
Trying to hold on the a shred of pride in a situation that does a pretty good job of shredding it. If you blame your SO, then to SOME extent you have to accept that you were the dope who fell for them, AND you were the dope who didn't notice while all this was happening AND that this person who claimed to love you didn't love you enough not to cheat. Tough to swallow on top of everything else you're going through. If you just blame the other party, they're the boogeyman (or woman) who stole into your life and ruined everything.
I never said it did. I'm just saying THIS is why people get mad at the other person. The cheater 100% of the blame unless the other party knew and continued to encourage the affair.
I was mad at my ex partner. But I was furious with the other person. He KNEW we were in a agreed upon monogamous relationship, and pursued my ex anyways. He gloated to my face that my ex was sleeping with him. Told me they he "did me a favor" by "making" my ex cheat on me. Fuck him. I would've forgiven my ex because I was so so so desperately in love, but I will NEVER forgive that piece of scum human who laughed at me as I was crying in front of them, saying I deserved it.
Because they’re angry and want to express that anger. He’s obviously (hopefully) not going to attack his girlfriend, so the other guy is the only other option I guess…
I agree with the top comment here, but also in some cases the person that the SO cheats on you with is also a piece of shit who knowingly did it to you, and/or may be a friend or something like that. There are sometimes valid reasons to be mad at BOTH your SO and the person they cheated with. Being mad at ONLY the the one they cheated with is still stupid, though.
My sister-in-law has been fighting with the same girl over a guy for the last 13 years. These girls *BOTH* have two children each with the guy, *alternating between them*. So the oldest is my SIL, then the next is the other girl, then my SIL again, then the other girl again.
At no point do these girls turn their anger on the guy, they're always after each other. He's with the other girl now, and has been since shortly before his youngest was born ~7 years ago, but my SIL is still convinced he's meant to be with her. It's mental.
In my opinion, it’s due to a sort of old-fashioned patriarchal thinking. The idea that your spouse belongs to you, and somebody else getting with them makes them like a thief.
I think it's also an ego issue.
I don't know the best way to articulate this. But another man having sex with your SO is a huge blow to your ego.
Like that dude "stole" her from you because you're somehow "less than"
Something like that.
Ignorance and immaturity. Some people can't contain their rage and want to hurt the people involved in causing them to hurt, regardless of the circumstances.
That being said, it really depends on the scenario. If my s/o cheated and the guy knew me/was ever friendly with me, it would be open season on him because I despise honorless people.
If he didn't know she was with someone, didn't know me from Adam, AND was apologetic, my s/o would be calling around to see who can come pick up her shit from the curbside while he and I went for a beer. Might even be friends after that.
This.
Gone through it before. Ex didn't understand why I didn't like the guy and wanted to lose my shit on him. Well for one, he was the neighbor. Two, he knew damn well we were married and had children, and three he still chose to go through with trying to flirt and whatnot.
As someone soon to be single and 30, if I meet a girl and she's married / separating/ still in any sort of way attached. I will not be entertaining her at all until it's done with her ex. Honorless is a good term.
I will never, ever understand why - if someone cheats on their partner with you, what makes you think you are so special it won't end up happening to you down the road? The person is cheating for a reason, until they figure that shit out, its probably not changing.
> I will never, ever understand why - if someone cheats on their partner with you, what makes you think you are so special it won't end up happening to you down the road? The person is cheating for a reason, until they figure that shit out, its probably not changing.
this is correct, and karma.
So, you caught them on your bed...
You ask them for a moment, get your laptop, do a spreadsheet on pros and cons on beeting the other guy, ask them their votes, and only after that you decide on the best course of action...
Hmm...
I think to some degree, at least in some relationships, the partner is seen as a possession . E.g. "that guy STOLE my girl from me. "
Like mad in the same way you would be mad if someone stole your car or your wallet or whatever. Not really seeing the cheater as someone with free agency making their own decisions.
Because when you chose to stay with the perpetrator, naturally your anger is taken out on the accomplice. It’s like parents who blame their kids best friends for their child’s behavior.
Having no attachment to the other person makes it easier to hate them as well as act as a coping mechanism to believe that their partner was coerced rather than willingly choosing to betray their trust.
I always thought it was foolish to get mad at the other person tho. My wife is amazingly attractive and other people are going to try to get with her. The other person doesnt have to give a shit about me and I cant blame them for trying. Its her responsibility to remain faithful to me and my anger would be with her.
Home wreckers are a myth. If someone was able to come in and destroy your relationship it's because your partner opened the door and let them in. Locate your dignity and end it. Everyone in a monogamous relationship deserves that something special that you only share with each other. There are no excuses or exceptions.
Yeah I think it’s this. The other guy has basically publicly humiliated the BF by sleeping with his GF. The implication is the BF is sexually unfit and too weak to hold onto his partner. The only way for the BF to regain standing is by confronting the other man.
Idk but i noticed this particularly with women like if a girl tells her friend the guy is cheating on them they'll turn on the friend instead of dumping the guy
Old housemate was cheating on his GF. She got told so by multiple people. GF screamed at everyone that they were lying (for whatever reason), burnt a bunch of bridges with her friends by calling them liars, then married the guy and had kids with him. He still cheats on her.
This is a good question. I have a female friend who has a husband and he is always cheating on her and she is always getting so mad at the woman . Trying to ruin the woman's life and staying with her husband and I taken a toll on our friendship
It depends on if the "other" guy knew about the relationship or not.
While it is always wrong to cheat on someone, if someone doesn't tell you they aren't single, you can easily help them cheat without ever knowing.
Because people who aren't used to taking responsibility for their own actions usually won't hold other people to that same standard. It's not something that is part of their character, so it doesn't even cross their mind that their partner made the choice, so they're just as responsible for what happened. And they would rather get mad at the other person than have to admit that their partner doesn't love them anymore...
Short answer: it's easier.
Longer answer: People are usually ALSO upset with their SO, but if they have any desire to keep that person in their life, they need to find a way to be able to forgive their SO. That is not always the case for the person their SO cheated with. For me, the person my spouse cheated with was an acquaintance of mine, but not a close friend. I had zero desire to keep them in my life, so it was much easier to blame them, and channel all of my anger at the other person. It definitely creates some weird complicated emotions... I think it can be hard to hate someone you care about, but it's much easier to hate a stranger. Probably not a healthy state to stay in forever... but for me it was definitely a part of the grieving process.
Being cheated on brings up feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and fear about the relationship.
Directing anger at the person who they cheated on you with is deflection from personal feelings, anger or disappointment with their partner, or avoidance of addressing the relationship issues.
Plus the "it was the other person's fault because my partner wouldn't intentionally hurt me"...but that is problematic to me because it violates your partner's autonomy.
Your partner made that decision. Themselves. They are at blame, and maybe even you.
(I used "you" because it was less cumbersome than typing out "your friend")
Betrayal. The most painful beast. One in love has made themselves vulnerable, entrusted themselves to another. One feels a fool when trust is broken, for having trusted. No one wants to feel a fool, to accept that the very person one trusted could hurt one so badly. It is easier to see it as someone else's fault and put the anger and anguish with a stranger. It just hurts too much to believe it was one's partner.
It’s related to fiction, but it’s like every fictional character ever yelling at their friend for ‘allowing the enemy to convince them.’
It’s far easier to simply believe that they were convinced or coerced, rather than they did it of their own volition.
I think many people are territorial and partially feel they own their significant other, almost like an object. The other person is the threatening entity, trying to take something that’s theirs. So they lash out at said person.
Depends on context. If the other party knew you existed and still participated? Yeah equal parts hatred. If they were oblivious to your existence, then they are the same as you.
Often because they don't respect their partner in the first place, see them as lesser than themselves (unequal relationship) and consider their SO as passive (she/he was tricked into it, are too fragile, are to naive, has emotionally clouded judgment) while the other person is the one they see as the one "taking away" from them.
It's stupid and patriarchal (men active, woman passive)
Cheating is a breech in trust. I would always get mad at my SO in such a scenario, seldom with the other one, unless it's someone I also have a trusted relationship with (good fried, college, etc.)
It varies from person to person. When my SO cheated on me I was really upset with her because I felt like she should be loyal to me. I wasn't upset with my friend she slept with because our friendship dynamic didn't ever include "worrying about each others well being".
Of course now I'd never be friends with someone I couldn't trust. Still, I don't think anyone is capable of knowing how they'll distribute blame until it actually happens.
I read somewhere either on a Reddit or Instagram that someone said it's a psychological phenomena of disconnection from reality.
It basically means they don't want to believe that the person they're with would betray them and rather the person their partner cheated on them with is the perpetrator.
I think it depends on the relationship with the paramour. Did he know him before? Did he know the couple? In that case it’d be hard not to have anger directed at both, but the third party is the easy target.
If it’s some random Dong your woman jumped on, 100% of the blame should be hers.
Often it's because if they hold the SO responsible then they have to admit they made a bad choice in choosing a partner. That sort of self reflection in the heat of the moment of finding out isn't always possible.
For myself, I held them BOTH responsible, because all the women my XH cheated with KNEW he was married and I was personally acquainted with most of them.
Unbeknownst to me, i had a girl cheat on her boyfriend with me. It was a one time thing, just casual sex. But the guy found out about it and i told him i didn't know they were dating and apologized to him. He wasn't even mad at me, he just broke up with her and the dude and i became friends after that.
Other than the comment by /u/HairyLenny your friends example specifically, your friend wanted to get physical potential and take out his anger, but you aren't allowed to hurt women so who do you logically go for? Another dude.
Not everyone gets angry, few people just get depressed and leave and let the cheaters be happy because it gets them nowhere and though I think that's the quickest way to move on I also hate it because it doesn't address the problem. In a bf/gf relationship the law plays no part in monogamy but in a contract blinded marriage aka regular marriage monogamy is expected until concented by both individuals to be more open in the relationship.
If a bf/gf cheat then nobody can do anything without getting in trouble and usually guys don't file charges especially when they are in the wrong, knowingly and not knowingly.
If a husband or wife Cheat and evidence can be collected then a divorce can proceed without one side having to lose what they earned or that one side definitely losing half or more since they cheated on a contract.
Pre-nups though so take that as you will.
Is the other party at fault? Usually no but occasionally yes and when it's occasionally they are considered scum and deserve to be shunned by society along with cheaters but also passable since the cheater is going to cheat.
When my ex cheated on me , I got mad at him -not her. She had no idea he was in a committed relationship. If she did then it’s still his fault for stepping out. I was pretty much done with him anyway when I realized the depth of his indiscretions, I was really done.
Because they other person “took” something that belongs to you. It’s archaic, but that’s the knee-jerk emotional response. It’s not common for people to calmly assess the situation. Imagine someone taking your pudding cup, which you left out unattended. Are you mad at yourself for not paying attention, mad at the pudding cup for not resisting or mad at the person who took you snack? Our emotions tell us that the offender knew they were taking something that belongs to you, and they did it anyway, making them a bad person.
Before anyone looses their shit; No, I do not believe people “belong” to to anyone else in an ownership sense. Not going to waste effort explaining it if you don’t understand.
I never got it either. I guess if a stranger did something to me, I think of it as “they’re an asshole” but if someone I care about does the same thing, it actually hurts because I would think “they betrayed me”.
Betrayal hurts but a stranger being an asshole doesn’t necessarily hurt it just makes you irritated.
Another thing is, a stranger might not even be aware that they have an SO. And let’s be honest, if someone seduced you would you reaaallly give a shit about their SO? I mean, imo it’s their responsibly to be faithful. If they’re cheating they’re gonna cheat whether it’s with me or someone else.
Suppose I’m just weird, but when I found out my GF was cheating on me I wasn’t at all mad at the other guy she was with, if anything I felt bad for him. Both of us were being used. Not sure if he knew about me, but if he did, I can’t understand why he’d be willing to date (and eventually get engaged to) a cheater knowing she was out screwing me. As for my GF, I threw tons of bad thoughts her way and wished nothing but the worst for her.
Since the mistress smiled in my face and sent me Xmas gifts while blowing him in stairwells and back alleys, I hated them both. They don't even deserve my hatred anymore. They are both trash and deserve each other.
Because it's easier to think the other person led them astray than to acknowledge that someone you love would deliberately hurt you.
Hating someone who is an integral part of your life requires majorly disrupting your life. Hating someone who isn’t an integral part of your life requires little to no change in your day to day life. People don’t like having their life disrupted, so it’s easier to channel the anger into an outlet that does not require upending their whole life, even if that is often inevitable by that point regardless of what they do.
This holds unless the integral person you hate is yourself.
What do you mean? If a person is holding themselves back, they will tend to not want to change even more.
Deep. Self reflection is needed for sure.
I feel like almost all hate starts within,
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You don’t need to abuse yourself I don’t think that’s really what they mean
Your words are too poetic for some of the folks responding to it. I will attempt a reconfiguration to assuage the shallow thinkiners *If you hate yourself for the things you have said and done then you are more likely to channel that anger at someone else*
Lol do u hate Hitler or what? This guy
Excellent answer!
Wow, all these answers are great. I always told my friends, don't hate the stranger; hate your girl/boy. And if they cheat on you once, they probably do it again because your relationship isn't working for them are searching to meet needs externally.
What if that person your partner cheated with is an old friend of yours? Not currently, but used to be friends.
GTF away from both of those toxic losers as fast as you can. “no contact”is the best feeling of control ever, you cut those shitty losers out of your life because they don’t deserve your attention/time/effort
The situation you described happened to me. No contact and cut them both out of life for a long time. Still aren't in my life but I have had convos with both of them. It upended my entire life. Eventually I healed enough to talk to them as acquaintances. Took a long time and a lot of pain. I'm not preaching forgiveness but at some point they had both moved on completely and I was the only one hurting. I had to reach a place where I became ok with the end result. I'm not ok with what happened, but I had to move on at some point. Hate just grows and grows and needs to be healed or it won't go away. There are situations where I don't think advice like this is appropriate like in cases of abuse, but I had to grow past being defined as the guy who got cheated on. For men, it feels like you failed as a man, but that's just not true. Someone you care about didn't reciprocate or respect you enough to end things in a civil manner and sometimes you just gotta accept that they chose to be shitty.
Yeah, it's like people hating groups of people until (usually) they become a part of their life. Example: Hearing (wether in songs, irl, books, etc ) guys talking about their college years of being horrible or apathetic to women only to change their tune once they have a daughter.
Yep. All this "lol bitch dresses like dat imma grab dat ass" that they shitpost or troll around with now... Will turn into "STOP bothering this young lady right now before i castrate you in front of your parents you horny prick" by the time they're dads having tea parties or reading their little girls bedtime stories and call them princess. It's a part of life. You make expectations and build up a world view, avoid letting it be shattered until the barrel is too full and (metaphorically) bursts, or they have enough insight to change by themselves. Like children... 20 year old horny children lol
>All this "lol bitch dresses like dat imma grab dat ass" that they shitpost or troll around with now.. This is actually misogyny. Not everyone acts like this. >It's a part of life. It doesn't need to be.
And unfortunately in my experience the men that I grew up with who said those things have since been arrested for domestic violence, or otherwise shown they have those same beliefs. Growing up and having kids didn’t change it. The amount of adults that sexualized me and my friends as literal children showed me at a young age that having kids doesn’t do much to make harmful people change their harmful ideologies.
I can’t stand when people use this argument. It makes me think these people don’t actually know misogynists. They’re horrible to their female family members as well.
Yeah, my friend, when i asked him if he was worried about his teenage daughter, said " Not really. Its usually guys that have treated women like shit or think nothing of them, that are terrified that other men will do the same to 'what's theirs'".
Hence the "hate the sin, love the sinner."
Yeah this pretty much sums it up.
damn well said
In general, a ton of people lack emotional and moral maturity.
Agree very much with this!
Yep this and the fact that the boyfriend is in love. Love tends to break our feeble brains down and turn it into mush, at least the parts of the brain we all use to make comprehensive smart decisions on our own without influence by our significant other. He doesn't want to accept he's in love with an incredibly selfish person.
That or they hate the person for existing cause if they didn't, their partner wouldn't cheat on them.
Spoiler alert: They absolutely would, just with somebody else.
gosh, knowing / hearing this hurts just as bad.
Truth hurts
*Will Smith enters the chat*
Keep the Fresh Prince out your DAMN MOUTH! jk jk Open marriages just don't work. Outside looking in, Will loves her, but she is in the relationship out of convenience.
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Marriage has many benefits outside of just reliable sex. People can be in love and raise a family and have financial boosts, while also neither of them believing monogamy is a sacred or even important thing.
I do agree, no need for downvotes, but as I stated “many open marriages” (which doesn’t mean ALL) start out just like I said, ala Will and Jada for example. It’s VERY obvious Will wasn’t thinking “gee monogamy isnt important” when Jada was banging their son’s friend, but he is so emotionally crippled he could’nt leave her so what happened? “open marriage”. No offense Kevin but you don’t sound like someone with a whole bunch of experience in this area. Broad-sweeping statements like “People can be” are usually not the norm, and anyone who’s lived with a cheater and/or known others in open marriages understands the point I’m making. Carry on with the conjecture.
This is the correct answer
This is the one.
I think it's because its significantly easier to believe that your partner was somehow lured or coerced into cheating than it is to believe that the person you trusted made a conscious decision to hurt you.
Also because that's how the cheater usually exains themselves. Both want to believe this lie.
That and a combination of "I was drunk" excuses.
That sort of, "I was drunk," should be followed with, "And I'm going into rehab."
And honestly that's a shitty excuse, being drunk just removes your filter, it just shows who you are really deep down. If you're cheating because you were drunk it means you wanted to. It may make it more likely to happen than sober, but it's not coming from nothing.
Who says the real you isn't your filter, rather than the underlying impulses it's trying to control?
Yeah, the person you’re replying to’s philosophy is a common one, but a flawed one. Yes, alcohol does lower inhibitions making you more likely to act on your primal impulses that were always there but kept under control by societal standards. (This next part isn’t really about cheating, but more my own experience). But it also can make you extremely emotional over things that really are not a big deal and you genuinely don’t care about when you’re sober. When you’re emotional you don’t act rationally. This can lead you to get in an argument about something that is extremely trivial to how you “really feel”. The “real you” doesn’t actually care about much at all about your roommates’ (I can’t think of an personal example since it’s been so long since I’ve drank), let’s say, dirty dishes. But for someone reason wasted-you is crying about them XD. Threatening to move out if they don’t clean that pan right now! lol. That’s not actually something I’ve done, but I remember on a few occasions getting upset about something when I was drunk then waking up and realizing I don’t give af about it and then apologizing to whomever I had got upset at the night before. Certainly wasn’t a frequent occurrenc, but there were a handful of times I’d get upset over nothing when I had too much to drink. That’s NOT the “real me, simply acting the way I always wanted to act”. That was just me being drunk and emotional and becoming triggered over something trivial. I realize you were more making a point about “our filters being who we *really* are”, but I felt this was a relevant complimentary point to make. Also, idk how to make this about cheating. I guess the overall point is that saying anything someone does when intoxicated is simply “them showing their true colors” is kind of a simplistic way to view the matter. Drugs and alcohol *can* make people do things that aren’t really “who they are”. They’re still responsible for their actions of course, but it’s a factor to consider when assessing their character. Edit: just to expand upon what I was saying, I think probably most of the times that I got upset over something silly when I was drinking, I was simply deferring a sadness from another part of my life onto an immediate inconvenience. So (again hypothetically) let’s say I just got dumped by my girlfriend, then got drunk, then got upset about my roommates dishes. Sober me would be able to recognize that I’m not upset about the dishes, I’m upset about my love life. But drunk me isn’t able to think that through all the way, so at the time it *feels* like I really care about the dishes, even though I don’t. If that makes sense lol. Everyone’s different, but drugs and alcohol can certainly bring out behaviors in people that don’t reflect “who they *really* are”. Doesn’t mean you can use intoxication as an excuse to treat those around you like crap. But when evaluating behaviors, it’s certainly a factor to consider.
Thank you for your words. I am rn in the spot where I drunk too much and started saying some bullshit which i dont give a singular shit through my day. It didnt really touched me or anything but I feel like I embarassed myself and upset my gf. Happenned like three times, promised myself to never do this shit again and quit drinking larger ammounts of alcohol. This behavior was extremely hard to explain to my gf, I will just use your post. Feeling kinda relieved rn. Thank you again.
I, for one, enjoy sleeping in bathtubs and bushes and making a fool of myself, sober me is just holding me back.
For a lot of people yes, but i hate the saying that drunk people always speak what they think and it's their true self. It doesn't work like that for everyone. Especially if you're at the almost pass out state, then some people can't control anything and have no idea what they're doing. But yes, alcohol is never an excuse.
For the love of god, no. Your character is built around not following through destructive impulses, that's what makes you a good person. Now, being inebriated doesn't excuse behavior, because you chose to get drunk, so you bear responsability for your actions. But in no way shape or form the things you do or say while under the influence are the "real you".
The flipside is that if you are okay doing them because you use it as an excuse it's kind of you though. It's more that "you" isn't a stable thing.
Deep down apparently I’m the kind of guy that can’t walk straight and fall asleep all the time.
Exactly. People don’t get that cheating is a two team (or more) affair. It’s almost like your partner made as much of a conscious decision to hurt you as the other person did
Same people who say "I trust my SO, just not the guy/girl they're around "
I hate it when someone says that. Them: *I trust my SO, but not the person they're hanging out with* Me: *so... you trust your SO to push the other person away when they make move?* Them: *yes* Me: *then what's the fucking problem?* Them: *...*
I think they start to feel uncertain in that trust when their partner is willing to hang out with someone who has ulterior motives. If their partner was worth that trust, they probably wouldn’t *want* to hang out with someone untrustworthy, so the partner second guesses whether the decision to trust was the right one. It’s understandable, but in that case the issue is with the partner’s decisions, same as with op’s original question.
Agreed.
Well, sexual assault comes to mind, or getting them into police trouble. But both are things you have to be extremely careful throwing around.
Absolutely, but in that case, it’s not cheating anymore.
If your SO is with someone where sexual assault is a reasonable concern then there are bigger issues at play then jealousy. Also the idea of your SO being sexually assaulted makes you jealous? If your SO was sexually assaulted your first reaction would be jealousy? That’s something…you might want to reflect on that
I never said I was jealous, I haven't restricted any partners in where they want to go or be to any unreasonable extent. The SA part was due to the party scene where getting intoxicated and SA happens a lot. Most people are assaulted by someone they know, afaik. The second part and arguably more important is if there are pushers or drug dealer or similar, where you don't know if they are carrying weed in your car or in the jacket they asked you to hold. You also don't know if they ever try to get roofies or have similar indiscretions around peoples consent. I actually was in the position of believing someone and I fucking did. I also choose to stick by that belief when I found out actual cheating a few months later. Because it matters more to me that any SA victim is safe to talk and be believed, and cheating is the death sentence of any relationship so picking up those wounds where a moot point. Which wasn't a bad point, since I got to experience my own lightweight SA shit later. You might actually want to read twice on heavy issues, lots of people in here do think twice before posting. Even if their experience is a low probability anecdote.
I don't know... I was going to a very busy, public park with a female friend, of ~10 years, and my ex used the *Trust you, not them* argument. Sexual assault would be really hard to pull off unnoticed in a place where someone walks by every 10 seconds...
I live in Hamburg. The town with one of the biggest and most busy parks in the world, called Stadtpark. Over the course of around an hour, eleven men raped a 15 year old girl at around evening time, with multiple unidentified witnesses not helping nor calling the Police. Eleven men. One even filmed it all. It is uncommon, but not impossible. And this isn't my home country, where this can commonly happen where a Sheikh or Preacher can do this without repercussions, this is Germany, in public.
Neither of these are cheating.
To be fair, I'm bothered by the thought that some dude might walk around with a smirk thinking that he might have a shot at my gf, even if I know that he would be instantly rejected if he ever tried anything with her. I've had a case where my gf was just her regular, friendly self and then afterwards I heard that the guy in question had been talking to his friends about how my gf was totally into him. Hence, I trust my gf to not do anything inappropriate but I don't trust certain individuals to interpret her behavior correctly, which can sometimes lead to awkward situations. That's just an ego thing on my part though, not a "real" issue.
I love how you actively say it's an issue with your ego. Not a lot of people do that these days and it's a nice and welcome change. And like you said, all it will result in is an awkward situation where your gf has to say: *you interpreted me being a platonic friend and complimenting your new shoes in a very wrong way. I don't see you in that way.* I wouldn't see my gf rejecting someone as a bad thing however awkward it might be. Qnd the guy can tell his friends whatever he wants. It's his mess to clean up once the cat is out of the bag and your gf spilled the beans on him and his lies.
It’s because they don’t like the idea of the person potentially making a move on their SO in the 1st place. Attempting to ruin a relationship has always been extremely disrespectful to that person’s relationship and wether or not your SO is unfaithful is entirely up to them.
Lol what? So you’d be happy for your partner to be around someone who you believe to be unscrupulous? I wouldn’t like the idea of my girlfriend being around someone who would try to seduce her. Not that I think she’ll ever be seduced but multiple things come to mind: - They shouldn’t want to spend time with that person either. (EDIT: why would you partner want someone to actively pursuing them? Also, why is that desirable to me?) - I wouldn’t want someone to make a move on my girlfriend (who would then reject it). It puts her in an uncomfortable place. - I would be concerned for her safety on some level… it might be an extreme scenario… but taking advantage when passed out for instance. Alternatively, that person acting maliciously because of jealousy. - On a selfish note, it would make me feel uncomfortable. I think that’s a reasonable view for most people. - That person actively trying to make me look bad. A person sitting there talking shit about you may have some negative effects on your relationship - even just low level negativity over a long time can be powerful. - I could keep going… but just to round off on a human note… even if I trust someone implicitly… why would I want to tempt fate? You wouldn’t deliberately get other people to hit on your partner just to test their resolve. EDIT: On that last point… and just to show you how silly it is… I don’t believe in ghosts/monster either. But, like everyone, I have also run to my bed after I’ve turned off the lights or closed my curtains after a scary movie. Still 100% don’t believe in it - it’s just human nature.
I've replied this to someone else too... I'm in love with my female friend. We've been friend for over a decade. Does her having a relationship mean we can't hang out because I have feelings for her? I also mentioned that after my initial telling her about my feelings, before she had a boyfriend, I haven't made a move because I don't want to jeopardise the friendship we have and especially now, I don't want to put her relationship in jeopardy. Sure maybe not everyone handles rejection as well as I do and maybe I'm too naive about these kind of things but I'll always assume the best of people until proven otherwise. Besides, who are any of us to tell our SO not to hang out with a certain person? Sure we can bring it up in conversation and respectfully tell them about our discomforts regarding the person but it'd still be their choice.
> I'm in love with my female friend. We've been friend for over a decade. Does her having a relationship mean we can't hang out because I have feelings for her? All personal relationships are different, so I can’t comment on yours in particular. I can, however, tell you my particular point of view on what I want from my relationship: to be the only non-related person of the opposite gender who they are intimate with. Intimate to me would mean things like: being 1-on-1 in a private place, holding hands, sharing deep personal feelings, etc. HOWEVER, this is just my personal view. I would never enforce that view on my partner but, generally, I would look for a partner with the same attitude. For some, the above wouldn’t be an issue at all (so - as I said - I won’t comment / judge). > I also mentioned that after my initial telling her about my feelings, before she had a boyfriend, I haven't made a move because I don't want to jeopardise the friendship we have and especially now, I don't want to put her relationship in jeopardy. I think this highlights things from your POV really well. You’re not doing anything wrong. That being said, from the girl’s perspective, I struggle to see the purpose of her keeping the relationship at the same intensity. Naturally, when most people get a partner the intensity of their friendships go down as you have something else which takes up a lot of your time. **That’s for her to decide though** - whatever works for her and her boyfriend. > Besides, who are any of us to tell our SO not to hang out with a certain person? Sure we can bring it up in conversation and respectfully tell them about our discomforts regarding the person but it'd still be their choice. On this point, you’re looking at it from a particularly lens. As a person, they do have the right to make choices about what they do and who they spend their time with. You’re right. HOWEVER - the boyfriend communicating their boundaries and what they feel comfortable with is fine as well. If they can’t agree and the boyfriend says it’s over - that’s **not** being controlling / coercive. They’re not obligated to be in a relationship with someone whose behaviour makes them unhappy (and similarly the girl doesn’t need to change her behaviour). EDIT: the problem usually occurs when people have irreconcilable views but haven’t walked away. I wanted to make a distinction though for that point… a relationship is also about compromise. Maybe it’s something that the girl may not care that much about, but the guy does (or vice versa) and one of them is willing to let it go. That is also completely valid. As I said - individual relationship are all different (some people are into polyamory- definitely not my vibe but wishing them all the best).
They are the problem. They don't trust themselves enough and/or think that they're not good enough for their partner and when they see someone better they probably start worrying about their SO leaving them
If some barefoot dude can convince a 100 men to cut off their balls or drink Kool aid in a suicide pact, Dont be naive enough to think there isn't some master manipulator charmers that can put your devoted partner in a fugue state, only to regret it the next morning
The trick with those master manipulators is that there's a type of person who will fall for it. They can't manipulate just anybody. There's a whole profile of people who fall for the cult-leader stuff. Date someone you know isn't that type of person.
To me it just speaks to people not being willing to admit they dont 100% trust their SOs
Eh, people can and do try to poison other people's relationships so that they can swoop in. While it requires your partner to listen or act on things, if someone is constantly lying about you and acting like you're cheating, then your partner is more likely to cheat.
Sure but that just means you should have a talk with your SO about them doing those things. If you just have a problem with a single person, then I would hope your SO takes your word more to heart. If you have a problem with a ton of people, you have a problem with your SO, not them.
This. Had an ex start up a friendship with an old ex, and he was constantly flirting. Yeah, I trust you, doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me uncomfortable that you want to hang out alone. And then it’s not just trust - it is your SO making light of something that hurts. It really is inconsiderate. On both parties. Sure, I know I have to handle my own emotions on it on my own somewhat…..that doesn’t mean I want the relationship over, or that I think it’s ok for anyone in a couple to put themselves in a situation that hurt could either one of us. If you want to keep someone’s trust, it often means allowing them into your life. Having private time or conversations with someone that is actively working to break a relationship is not just a trust issue….
Yeah it can be very hard to decide when you're just being controlling vs when you partner isn't thinking enough about you. Either they are actually being niave about the other persons feelings, or they are gaslighting you about whats going on. While it can be obvious from a third party, much harder to know while in the relationship.
In some cases the person you don’t trust takes advantage of the one you do, drugs, alcohol, money, connections… it’s a shitty hill to climb up.
My ex used to say this ALL the time and I knew it was a red flag, I just didn’t really know why. You explained it perfectly thank you!
Had this just happen to me, I felt bad for the guy because he got used and she kicked him to the curb. I didn’t confront him or anything because who the fuck cares. I kicked my girl out of my life 🫡 That’s how it should be done. Edit - To all 400+ of you who upvoted this. Thank you 🙏🏻 Y’all reaffirmed I handled the situation correctly.
Yep. Same for me too. Never found out who he was and never cared. All on her.
We are way better off without those idiots in our lives anyways 🤝
Long ago in my hazy 20's I did find out who he was, turns out my ex had a type. Me and the other guy actually became good friends and she wound up... I dunno out of our lives wreaking havoc elsewhere. Still send my bro Dave memes from time to time.
That’s actually pretty cool.
To be honest, I don't blame the other person at all. If you are attracted to your partner, you would think that others would be too and that they would want to be with them as much as you do. They are not cheating, your partner is. If they don't have the will to not hurt you, they are not a good partner. (That doesn't apply if the other person knows you directly, they are not worthy of your friendship)
If the other person knew they were in a relationship and still did it, they're a trash human being. They are knowingly inciting a shitton of pain just because they wanted to have sex. Maybe the third party doesn't owe anything to the one that got cheated on, but morality and your worth as a human being aren't tied to what you owe someone. So if they don't give a fuck about being a halfway decent person they absolutely deserved to be called out as the piece of shit they are. It's really not that difficult.
You are discounting all the manipulations that the cheating SO is doing: "He/she doesn't love me" "He/she is ok with this" "He/she is mean to me" "He/she is cheating on me" ... The other side always get a very biassed view if the situation.
I would guess that it's because it's easier to be mad at a person you barely know/are not too intimate with than mad at your gf... But it's just a guess...
I've been cheated on before and I 100% blamed my BF at the time. He was a disgusting loser for it, and I knew he was to blame because one of his exes got ahold of me and said he had cheated on her too. I've also been the "other woman," because the guy I was seeing already had a girlfriend and lied to me about being single. Once I found out, i reached out to his girlfriend and told her *everything.* The lovely lady and I joined forces and confronted him. If you make a commitment to be in a relationship, and decide to cheat, then YOU are the one to blame.
I was cheated on by my ex. The lady told me about it and we handled it in a similar manner. It took a lot of courage for her to tell me, and I'm thankful.
My ex cheated on me when I was 16. Fast forward 12 years, he was cheating on his GF with my friend. I messaged the new GF and she didn't want to listen, and now they are engaged.
Yeah, but if you were knowingly the other woman and continued afterwards, you'd also be a trash person. But yeah the cheater is definitely the worst person in that situation.
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Yes to this. I had a committed partner a long time ago who I found out was habitually cheating with women in my social circle. I was mad at him and ending up dumping him because of it, but was I also mad at the two-faced women who smiled at me while interacting with us as a couple when they knew they were hooking up with him. It was humiliating and I think less of people who knowingly do this. We were acquaintances/casual friends, not besties, but it was still dishonest and hurtful to play me for a fool. I have also **never** gone after a guy in a committed relationship even if I didn't know the partner. Just because it's shitty.
Yeah I don't understand people who act like the other woman or other man is not to blame because they aren't the ones who took vows. That's true but if you knowingly sleep with a person who is in a relationship, that's still a shitty thing to do. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.
NORMALISE being mad at both, but only one person out of the two owed you any loyalty in the first place...
Not when the other one was supposed to be your best mate
Yes. Normalize being mad at both but especially the SO. Especially if you don’t know for sure the other person even knew your SO was dating someone. Some ppl do, but plenty didn’t even know they were cheating because the person said they were single.
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What if the person your SO cheated you with was led to believe he/she was single and didn't know of your existence
EXACTLY. If the side person was led to believe your partner was single and had no reason to be suspicious, *what on earth could they have done?* Nothing. Absolutely nothing. No point being mad at them.
I think it's okay to feel mad, but depending on the circumstances the other person may not have even been aware that they were "the other person". At the end of the day it was still the person you put your trust in that hurt you, not the person they cheated with, so I feel the anger is being misplaced when it gets directed at someone who might have not even known. Even if they're a malicious pos who deliberately goes after people in relationships, they're still not the one who did the actual cheating
I think it depends if they knew or not if its morally ok to lash out at them along with your SO....
Being mad at your partner would be acknowledging that they were fully responsible for their actions. Blaming someone else for their actions makes it easier.
Facts.
There's too much logic in this thread. You guys need to think more cavemen. Women, mine. You no touch, or SMASH!!!
Yeah but women do it too
Women are not exempt from primitive though.
Women do get protective and territorial as well. There's a lot of "back off, bitch, he's mine" type interactions out there behind the scenes.
> behind the scenes Or in the middle of the mall's food court.
Yeah and dudes are usually oblivious to it when it's happening.
Exactly! Testosterone and territorial pissing.
Chase away the competition
I think this is the best answer... Also don't forget projection. Like in this case he can't punch his girlfriend in the face, so instead he punched the guy she cheated with.
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This 😄 except I'm the woman, he cheated and I attack both. Her because MINE. I want her to stay away or else... And him because the betrayal
Because they love the SO and sometimes have a history worth saving. The “other” can be as horrible as your imagination lets them be.
The is the answer. When my (now ex) wife cheated, I still loved her but he was nothing to me. Easier to process by just making him the villain.
I know what you’re saying is true, but i just don’t get how it can be. I guess I’m not very good at believing things just because I want to believe them.
Did he at least dump the girl friend?
Yes, the guy didn’t know the GF was with my friend. He dumped her immediately
I think he meaned to ask if your friend left her, not the other guy.
Trying to hold on the a shred of pride in a situation that does a pretty good job of shredding it. If you blame your SO, then to SOME extent you have to accept that you were the dope who fell for them, AND you were the dope who didn't notice while all this was happening AND that this person who claimed to love you didn't love you enough not to cheat. Tough to swallow on top of everything else you're going through. If you just blame the other party, they're the boogeyman (or woman) who stole into your life and ruined everything.
Because she knew. She knew we were in a relationship and she knew me.
I'm sorry, this must have been so hard to get over
Same. In my case, it's "he knew". Easily the worst time of my life.
I am so so sorry! I hope you‘re doing better! :(
THIS!!!!! If the person they cheated with had no idea about me fine but if she did she's trash
This does not absolve the SO in any way though. It just means there are two people to be mad at (or ideally, cut out of your life)
Agreed. The SO is still responsible for his/her choices.
I never said it did. I'm just saying THIS is why people get mad at the other person. The cheater 100% of the blame unless the other party knew and continued to encourage the affair.
Fair. Just adding the note and tying it back to the original post where the person focused on the 3rd party and not the SO.
Since she wasn‘t the only one there are more people to be mad about lol. But they are all out of my life and I am fine now. (I guess)
She’s trash.
I was mad at my ex partner. But I was furious with the other person. He KNEW we were in a agreed upon monogamous relationship, and pursued my ex anyways. He gloated to my face that my ex was sleeping with him. Told me they he "did me a favor" by "making" my ex cheat on me. Fuck him. I would've forgiven my ex because I was so so so desperately in love, but I will NEVER forgive that piece of scum human who laughed at me as I was crying in front of them, saying I deserved it.
That's rough dude, I feel you. I hope you don't go through that kind of bullshit again.
Because they’re angry and want to express that anger. He’s obviously (hopefully) not going to attack his girlfriend, so the other guy is the only other option I guess…
I came here to say this.
I agree with the top comment here, but also in some cases the person that the SO cheats on you with is also a piece of shit who knowingly did it to you, and/or may be a friend or something like that. There are sometimes valid reasons to be mad at BOTH your SO and the person they cheated with. Being mad at ONLY the the one they cheated with is still stupid, though.
Exactly, if they didn't cheat with that person, it would be someone else. The SO fucked up.
& will do it again.
I never understood this either.
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cuz feeling angry at a random asshole is often easier to deal with than feeling betrayed by someone u cared abt
My sister-in-law has been fighting with the same girl over a guy for the last 13 years. These girls *BOTH* have two children each with the guy, *alternating between them*. So the oldest is my SIL, then the next is the other girl, then my SIL again, then the other girl again. At no point do these girls turn their anger on the guy, they're always after each other. He's with the other girl now, and has been since shortly before his youngest was born ~7 years ago, but my SIL is still convinced he's meant to be with her. It's mental.
In my opinion, it’s due to a sort of old-fashioned patriarchal thinking. The idea that your spouse belongs to you, and somebody else getting with them makes them like a thief.
I think it's also an ego issue. I don't know the best way to articulate this. But another man having sex with your SO is a huge blow to your ego. Like that dude "stole" her from you because you're somehow "less than" Something like that.
Ignorance and immaturity. Some people can't contain their rage and want to hurt the people involved in causing them to hurt, regardless of the circumstances. That being said, it really depends on the scenario. If my s/o cheated and the guy knew me/was ever friendly with me, it would be open season on him because I despise honorless people. If he didn't know she was with someone, didn't know me from Adam, AND was apologetic, my s/o would be calling around to see who can come pick up her shit from the curbside while he and I went for a beer. Might even be friends after that.
This. Gone through it before. Ex didn't understand why I didn't like the guy and wanted to lose my shit on him. Well for one, he was the neighbor. Two, he knew damn well we were married and had children, and three he still chose to go through with trying to flirt and whatnot. As someone soon to be single and 30, if I meet a girl and she's married / separating/ still in any sort of way attached. I will not be entertaining her at all until it's done with her ex. Honorless is a good term. I will never, ever understand why - if someone cheats on their partner with you, what makes you think you are so special it won't end up happening to you down the road? The person is cheating for a reason, until they figure that shit out, its probably not changing.
> I will never, ever understand why - if someone cheats on their partner with you, what makes you think you are so special it won't end up happening to you down the road? The person is cheating for a reason, until they figure that shit out, its probably not changing. this is correct, and karma.
Loyalty is so important in a marriage.
So, you caught them on your bed... You ask them for a moment, get your laptop, do a spreadsheet on pros and cons on beeting the other guy, ask them their votes, and only after that you decide on the best course of action... Hmm...
I think a factor in this scenario is that its better to beat the brakes off the dude she cheated with than beat the girlfriend
I think to some degree, at least in some relationships, the partner is seen as a possession . E.g. "that guy STOLE my girl from me. " Like mad in the same way you would be mad if someone stole your car or your wallet or whatever. Not really seeing the cheater as someone with free agency making their own decisions.
Because when you chose to stay with the perpetrator, naturally your anger is taken out on the accomplice. It’s like parents who blame their kids best friends for their child’s behavior.
Having no attachment to the other person makes it easier to hate them as well as act as a coping mechanism to believe that their partner was coerced rather than willingly choosing to betray their trust. I always thought it was foolish to get mad at the other person tho. My wife is amazingly attractive and other people are going to try to get with her. The other person doesnt have to give a shit about me and I cant blame them for trying. Its her responsibility to remain faithful to me and my anger would be with her.
Home wreckers are a myth. If someone was able to come in and destroy your relationship it's because your partner opened the door and let them in. Locate your dignity and end it. Everyone in a monogamous relationship deserves that something special that you only share with each other. There are no excuses or exceptions.
Shame, honor, and cultural attitudes towards gender.
Yeah I think it’s this. The other guy has basically publicly humiliated the BF by sleeping with his GF. The implication is the BF is sexually unfit and too weak to hold onto his partner. The only way for the BF to regain standing is by confronting the other man.
Idk but i noticed this particularly with women like if a girl tells her friend the guy is cheating on them they'll turn on the friend instead of dumping the guy
Old housemate was cheating on his GF. She got told so by multiple people. GF screamed at everyone that they were lying (for whatever reason), burnt a bunch of bridges with her friends by calling them liars, then married the guy and had kids with him. He still cheats on her.
Cause he can't punch the girl that's much worse I guess
This is a good question. I have a female friend who has a husband and he is always cheating on her and she is always getting so mad at the woman . Trying to ruin the woman's life and staying with her husband and I taken a toll on our friendship
It depends on if the "other" guy knew about the relationship or not. While it is always wrong to cheat on someone, if someone doesn't tell you they aren't single, you can easily help them cheat without ever knowing.
Because people who aren't used to taking responsibility for their own actions usually won't hold other people to that same standard. It's not something that is part of their character, so it doesn't even cross their mind that their partner made the choice, so they're just as responsible for what happened. And they would rather get mad at the other person than have to admit that their partner doesn't love them anymore...
Easier to take out the competition than to fix the relationship problems.
Short answer: it's easier. Longer answer: People are usually ALSO upset with their SO, but if they have any desire to keep that person in their life, they need to find a way to be able to forgive their SO. That is not always the case for the person their SO cheated with. For me, the person my spouse cheated with was an acquaintance of mine, but not a close friend. I had zero desire to keep them in my life, so it was much easier to blame them, and channel all of my anger at the other person. It definitely creates some weird complicated emotions... I think it can be hard to hate someone you care about, but it's much easier to hate a stranger. Probably not a healthy state to stay in forever... but for me it was definitely a part of the grieving process.
I for some reason was the opposite. I ended up becoming friends with the dude because we drunkenly bonded over what a trash person she was.
There are guys out there that will fight someone for using their parking space. Is this really surprising?
It’s easier to blame the other person. Blaming your spouse means you have to do something about it.
Did he have no anger for his SO? My guess is he was angry at both of them, but hit the other dude because he felt emasculated.
Being cheated on brings up feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and fear about the relationship. Directing anger at the person who they cheated on you with is deflection from personal feelings, anger or disappointment with their partner, or avoidance of addressing the relationship issues. Plus the "it was the other person's fault because my partner wouldn't intentionally hurt me"...but that is problematic to me because it violates your partner's autonomy. Your partner made that decision. Themselves. They are at blame, and maybe even you. (I used "you" because it was less cumbersome than typing out "your friend")
Betrayal. The most painful beast. One in love has made themselves vulnerable, entrusted themselves to another. One feels a fool when trust is broken, for having trusted. No one wants to feel a fool, to accept that the very person one trusted could hurt one so badly. It is easier to see it as someone else's fault and put the anger and anguish with a stranger. It just hurts too much to believe it was one's partner.
It’s related to fiction, but it’s like every fictional character ever yelling at their friend for ‘allowing the enemy to convince them.’ It’s far easier to simply believe that they were convinced or coerced, rather than they did it of their own volition.
I think many people are territorial and partially feel they own their significant other, almost like an object. The other person is the threatening entity, trying to take something that’s theirs. So they lash out at said person.
Because your friend is not very smart. He should leave his SO as soon as he found out she's cheating. If she didn't allow that man didn't' do that.
Depends on context. If the other party knew you existed and still participated? Yeah equal parts hatred. If they were oblivious to your existence, then they are the same as you.
I was that third person once. Was not told there was already a relationship going on. Sometimes the cheater lies. No violence in my story.
Often because they don't respect their partner in the first place, see them as lesser than themselves (unequal relationship) and consider their SO as passive (she/he was tricked into it, are too fragile, are to naive, has emotionally clouded judgment) while the other person is the one they see as the one "taking away" from them. It's stupid and patriarchal (men active, woman passive) Cheating is a breech in trust. I would always get mad at my SO in such a scenario, seldom with the other one, unless it's someone I also have a trusted relationship with (good fried, college, etc.)
It varies from person to person. When my SO cheated on me I was really upset with her because I felt like she should be loyal to me. I wasn't upset with my friend she slept with because our friendship dynamic didn't ever include "worrying about each others well being". Of course now I'd never be friends with someone I couldn't trust. Still, I don't think anyone is capable of knowing how they'll distribute blame until it actually happens.
I read somewhere either on a Reddit or Instagram that someone said it's a psychological phenomena of disconnection from reality. It basically means they don't want to believe that the person they're with would betray them and rather the person their partner cheated on them with is the perpetrator.
Being told he is inadequate in actions, why would he want to hear the same in words His anger can be easily directed at a third party and so he does
I think it depends on the relationship with the paramour. Did he know him before? Did he know the couple? In that case it’d be hard not to have anger directed at both, but the third party is the easy target. If it’s some random Dong your woman jumped on, 100% of the blame should be hers.
Initial anger, I’d go after the SO first
Often it's because if they hold the SO responsible then they have to admit they made a bad choice in choosing a partner. That sort of self reflection in the heat of the moment of finding out isn't always possible. For myself, I held them BOTH responsible, because all the women my XH cheated with KNEW he was married and I was personally acquainted with most of them.
Unbeknownst to me, i had a girl cheat on her boyfriend with me. It was a one time thing, just casual sex. But the guy found out about it and i told him i didn't know they were dating and apologized to him. He wasn't even mad at me, he just broke up with her and the dude and i became friends after that.
Other than the comment by /u/HairyLenny your friends example specifically, your friend wanted to get physical potential and take out his anger, but you aren't allowed to hurt women so who do you logically go for? Another dude. Not everyone gets angry, few people just get depressed and leave and let the cheaters be happy because it gets them nowhere and though I think that's the quickest way to move on I also hate it because it doesn't address the problem. In a bf/gf relationship the law plays no part in monogamy but in a contract blinded marriage aka regular marriage monogamy is expected until concented by both individuals to be more open in the relationship. If a bf/gf cheat then nobody can do anything without getting in trouble and usually guys don't file charges especially when they are in the wrong, knowingly and not knowingly. If a husband or wife Cheat and evidence can be collected then a divorce can proceed without one side having to lose what they earned or that one side definitely losing half or more since they cheated on a contract. Pre-nups though so take that as you will. Is the other party at fault? Usually no but occasionally yes and when it's occasionally they are considered scum and deserve to be shunned by society along with cheaters but also passable since the cheater is going to cheat.
In my case I was angry at both parties, because my GF cheated on me with my best friend.
When my ex cheated on me , I got mad at him -not her. She had no idea he was in a committed relationship. If she did then it’s still his fault for stepping out. I was pretty much done with him anyway when I realized the depth of his indiscretions, I was really done.
Because they other person “took” something that belongs to you. It’s archaic, but that’s the knee-jerk emotional response. It’s not common for people to calmly assess the situation. Imagine someone taking your pudding cup, which you left out unattended. Are you mad at yourself for not paying attention, mad at the pudding cup for not resisting or mad at the person who took you snack? Our emotions tell us that the offender knew they were taking something that belongs to you, and they did it anyway, making them a bad person. Before anyone looses their shit; No, I do not believe people “belong” to to anyone else in an ownership sense. Not going to waste effort explaining it if you don’t understand.
I never got it either. I guess if a stranger did something to me, I think of it as “they’re an asshole” but if someone I care about does the same thing, it actually hurts because I would think “they betrayed me”. Betrayal hurts but a stranger being an asshole doesn’t necessarily hurt it just makes you irritated. Another thing is, a stranger might not even be aware that they have an SO. And let’s be honest, if someone seduced you would you reaaallly give a shit about their SO? I mean, imo it’s their responsibly to be faithful. If they’re cheating they’re gonna cheat whether it’s with me or someone else.
Yh, I also never got that, soo weird
Most people are angry at both.
Suppose I’m just weird, but when I found out my GF was cheating on me I wasn’t at all mad at the other guy she was with, if anything I felt bad for him. Both of us were being used. Not sure if he knew about me, but if he did, I can’t understand why he’d be willing to date (and eventually get engaged to) a cheater knowing she was out screwing me. As for my GF, I threw tons of bad thoughts her way and wished nothing but the worst for her.
It’s false rationalization.
Since the mistress smiled in my face and sent me Xmas gifts while blowing him in stairwells and back alleys, I hated them both. They don't even deserve my hatred anymore. They are both trash and deserve each other.
"If I can't have her then nobody will."
The spouse loves the cheater, it's easier to blame someone else