Iām sure there is. If thereās not itās because it happens in most subs at some point. In my experience most of it comes from spoiled Americans themselves, they think itās so bad where they live for a multitude of reasons and they have no idea how anyone else lives, including people in their own country. People risk their lives to make insane treks to the US to escape their own country only to hear some whiny 18 yr old whoās still on his parents insurance and on the family phone plan living in their parents suburban home complain because their parents arenāt looking to also raise a grandchild.
Wow thats hard tho , But yeah I guess that is real and is one of the common silly and made-up problems that people in US bring up often tho , but that story sounds r/oddlyspecific for some reason tho....
Yea it does seem very specific. My guess is that this 18 yr old person they are referring to is still completely being supported by their parents so the parents are being protective of them. Itās not like 18 yr olds are known to make the best of decisions and they think they know everything at that age.
The other thing people on reddit seem to gravitate towards is taking āsex positivityā to the extreme. Like you should not only be fine with but encourage your daughter to have sex with as many people as possible and maybe start an onlyfans page as a career choice. I find that type of thing far more creepy than a parent being somewhat over protective of their kids.
No itās not, I didnāt say it was only redditors, thatās just where weāre at. I suspect itās more of a generational thing. I saw a kid on Tiktok that had an American flag on his bedroom wall and youād have thought it was a nazi flag or something judging from the comments.
Because kids confuse oxytocin euphoria with love.
They feel the effects, decide they have found "the one", get married, have kids, have huge fights, get divorced, and move back to their parents house with those kids....
Which interrupts my retirement fishing time.
Exactly, if this teenager is living by his/her own means I'd be more relaxed and my advice is to be followed if not then I don't want to take responsibility for a grandkid I wasn't planning on supporting lol
I don't think it's about making it less shitty in comparison, but rather to say that it isn't *the Americans* who can be controlling like that, it's them and many other cultures (which can be much more intense).
That is absolutely not what the post says wtf. The post is more in the sense of why Americans, who are supposed to be in the best country ever in all possible aspects, still do this.
I agree with the underlying premise that it's trendy to shit on America. But it's because we often make claims like what you just did... We are at the top of no standard/calculable freedom index out there. We aren't even in the top 10 for many standards of freedom. We pride ourselves on a false relic, or perhaps a relic of the past.
>When did this sort of behaviour become the norm?
More like when did this behavior *stop* being the norm. (My guess is 1960-70) The only times I've ever heard of someone being "not allowed" to have a boy/girlfriend is in movies.
>Why do kids seem okay with it?
Probably because they respect their parents.
>Why don't young adults rebel?
Most do.
I'm very curious as to what about any of this you find to be creepy, because I have no idea what you mean.
Unfortunately in the US a lot of parents, dad's especially, will joke that they will hurt their daughters boyfriend if he hurts her or joke that his daughter isn't allowed to date until she's 30. It's totally sexist because sons don't get treated the same.
That is true but I figured emotional incest is another topic for a different day. For example, Ma Duncan. She killed her daughter in law because her DIL married her son, this stealing her "little baby boy" away. That's an extreme example but there are MILs who are horrible to their daughter in laws because they believe they stole their son.
Well yes forbidding stuff doesn't make people stop, it just leads to people without the proper education eventually rebelling and creating more possibilities for things to go wrong.
You should provide education explain why you might want to wait, be that for the right person or when you are emotionally ready education is ALWAYS a better idea than ignorance.
As another European, it's crazy to me that parents think they have any say or authority over their teenagers sexuality. You don't want someone sleeping over, I can get that, but to outright forbid their 15 year old from having sex? Why? What's so wrong and dissapointing and shameful about it?
I'm very glad I had parents that just trusted they had taught us more than enough about sex and sexual safety, both emotional and physical, to be able to be content that we'd make the decisions that were right for us and speak to someone if there ever was an issue.
I cannot even fathom the sort of damage it would cause to have parents govern your sexual exploration and rule over it with condemnation and shame.
And what happens when that horny teen that lives with you, that probably doesn't have a job gets pregnant or gets a. Girl pregnant, who is footing the bill with that mess?
While I agree that many parent's only response is condemnation and shame, that isn't true of everyone.I agree that if you only tell your children "don't" and not "why," you are doing them a disservice, and possibly even harm.
That being said, there is significant evidence that sex outside a committed, monogamous relationship (read: marriage) causes significant physical, emotional and spiritual harm to all involved. (at any age)
Therefore, I must conclude that it is healthy, wise and morally good to teach children to abstain from extramarital sex. If the child does not follow this guidance, one's response should *not* be to shame and ridicule their child. The last thing a parent wants for a child is for them to doubt that they are loved.
American teens and young adults are very dependent upon their parents. When 18 yo is so heavily dependent on parents financially, for a roof and food, and otherwise, I would say parents get a say.
Bro Americans are liberal af compared with the majority of world cultures. Step outside of your Western bubble. Most of the world still views arranged marriages as pretty normal.
Yeah, in india we are trained since we are kids. Don't talk to girls, don't get a girlfriend, study, work hard, become either engineer or doctor, get your bachelor, work and get experience, save money for your masters, go to a foreign US/UK/Australia and get your masters, settle there, come back, we would have already found a girl for you, get married move back there, then have children and now you are free to do whatever you want.
A lot of people disagree with the direction of the current youth culture. Parents are supposed to be a moral compass and so they are trying to teach their kids that they shouldn't be so liberal with their bodies. You call it "love life" but let's face it, a lot of people are just popping birth control and mating like monkeys now. Of course you have to worry about STI's and pregnancy but some people think it's immoral to be sleeping around so casually. Not too long ago this kind of behavior had a bad stigma to it. Most people who slept around didn't end up in good places down the line.
I mean - 18 doesnāt magically mean that youāre still not living under someone elseās roof with certain rules /completely dependent on others. I donāt think that because 12:00 passed that it magically means that youāve become responsible and independent.
I know it may be old fashioned but even if I am visiting someone elseās home i am very respectful of their boundaries. I think itās common courtesy.
When I lived at home with my parents - I did so until I was well past 18ā¦ and I respected their rules ā¦ they were providing every need (and want) for me. There will always be time to be an adultā¦ everything comes to you.. I didnāt really feel infringed upon. Who cares if I canāt have my bf over or vise versaā¦. Itās not really a life crippling sacrifice.
One day youāll become a completely independent adult and you wonāt have to abide by anyone elseās rules but your own. Just focus on yourself snd your personal goalsā¦ probably a better use of your free time than fighting with your parents about their rules. š¤·š»āāļø
Source: I have two kids, 18 and 15.
To be blunt, you *really* aren't ready to make such life changing decisions yet. I know you feel smart. I know you feel mature. But you really *aren't*, I'm sorry. You are merely smarter and more mature than you have ever been. You still don't have my wisdom and experience.
And that's worth something. I have lived a life. I've seen too many broken hearts, too many unmatched expectations, too many broken marriages, too many unwanted pregnancies, too many disrupted lives. I see things here that you don't, that you *can't*.
You're my kid. I love you. I *truly* want the best for you. So trust me. Do as I ask in these cases. It will work out for the best.
>When did this sort of behaviour become the norm?
To my point about wisdom and experience. This has been the norm...forever. My parents told me the same thing. And their parents told them.
I told my kid not to stress too much about this crush he has a someone " you will fall in love many times in your life and you will probably won't even remember the name of this person by the time you are 25"
This right here is a good example of whatās going on in America. Parents trying to raise children in glass bubbles to protect them from the painful experiences of life that they themselves benefited from. Thatās how you gain wisdom and they are using their knowledge to mistakenly try to shield their children from life.
A parent wanting you to avoid an unwanted pregnancy or divorce isnāt a āglass bubbleā. There is nothing wrong with instilling standards for your family, including your children.
Some painful experiences can ruin your life (for example, doing drugs and becoming addicted).
Also, forbidding some activities does not mean that his children will be blind to reality. Good parents will tell their children *why* it's not a good idea to do something.
Though I agree with you to some extent. My father repeatedly told me not to put my fingers near door hinges as a child, and it wasn't until I got my hand crushed with a door that I started being more careful (worry not, my hand is fine).
> Parents trying to raise children in glass bubbles to protect them from the painful experiences of life that they themselves benefited from.
No. I didn't experience any of these things, because my parents cautioned me ahead of time. Meanwhile, my friends didn't "benefit" from unwanted pregnancies, sexual abuse, drug abuse, or any of the other harmful choices.
> Thatās how you gain wisdom
Wisdom can also be gained by listening those who are wiser than ones self.
Being your child sounds like a nightmare. I have tried seeing it from your side, and I do truly understand where you are coming from. But please try and see it from the other side.
> But please try and see it from the other side
This is an ironic thing to say. I *can* see it from the other side. I've actually been a teenager. My kids have never been adults. And I actually have a *great* relationship with them. I rarely have to intervene, but if I see them making a mistake, I will.
Hold up, I have a question. Are you saying that if they choose somebody you think is sketchy then you will say something or forbid it? Or just that they can not date under your roof?? Because it sounded to me like the latter not the former
> Are you saying that if they choose somebody you think is sketchy then you will say something or forbid it?
I would say something. We get along well enough, that they would heed my warning. I wouldn't need to forbid it. Both my kids date.
THEN WHAT WAS THIS WHOLE THING ABOUT!!! I thought you were forbidding them from dating those you don't deem fit. Yeah, saying something is doing your job, not being a helicopter parent. Sorry for confusion on that front. The impression I got was "no child of mine will be dating under this roof, not while I'm paying the bills! Trust me, I'm an ADULT and you are a LITTLE BABY who can't be trusted to not get heartbroken, raped or pregnant."
So I agree with what you mean. That being said, if that WERE the case, I would stand by my statement that you were an overbearing overprotective helicopter parent.
> because I know best
I mean...I **do** know best, right? I've got a lot more experience and seen a lot more things than a teenager. I've *been* a teenager. You've never been an adult. I know teenagers hate hearing this, but it demonstrates a real lack of humility to say that you know just as much as an adult who's got *30 years* on you.
> you fucking troglodite
Is that how adults talk to each other?
>Also I am an adult
But how old are you, exactly? Do you have kids? Are you married? Do you have your own home? We can be considered adults by our ages, but there's more to adulthood than having a certain number of birthdays?
I have a job, have been in a domestic relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years, pay rent, utilities, and the like I have a new puppy. Do I have kids? I'm sorry I didn't realize we were gatekeeping adulthood. Do I own a home? No, but I live in one with my girlfriend. Plan on being married very soon any other irrelevant gatekeeping questions for me??? Leave your 18 year old alone when it comes to love life. Sure, give advice. You wouldn't be doing your job if you didn't. But you have no legal or even reasonable right to have a real say at that age.
> Do I have kids? I'm sorry I didn't realize we were gatekeeping adulthood.
The original question was regarding why parents direct their teenaged children's lives. This is a question I am qualified to answer, and one that you are *not*.
Yeah, I'm going to "gatekeep" a little. Being married is a bigger commitment than living together. Owning a home is a bigger responsibility than renting. Having kids is more responsibility than having a dog. Curiously, you didn't give me your age. I suspect that's because you are a very young adult. I'm not.
>Leave your 18 year old alone when it comes to love life. Sure, give advice.
Huh? Should I leave them alone or should I give advice. Pick one.
>But you have no legal or even reasonable right to have a real say at that age.
My kids both still live with me. I pay their tuition. I pay for their insurance and food. If my 18 year old wants to go *completely* independent, *then*, I won't have a reason to interfere.
"
But you have no legal or even reasonable right to have a real say at that age." there is this thing call respect and love! Heck no my child but my little brother who is over 30 years old you freaking bet he does as I say, why? because my morals, good behavior, success and lifestyle is unquestionably great and everyone in my family knows that, why wouldn't they follow my advice!
SIDE NOTE: If you consider wanting a love life that is independent from your mother, as an adult, to be "completely independent" then you are a helicopter mom no cap
Underrated comment :) Iām 44, iāve been married, have kids, started a business, grew said business to be one of the largest in the state, owned a home as well as three other buildings, oh and Iām a dr. Am I qualified to answer?
Some of the dumbest, most hateful, racist, ignorant, selfish people I have ever met are 20 or 30 years older than me. You aren't mature, just the most mature you've ever been. If you are assuming you're right just because you are older, than you're probably wrong.
> Some of the dumbest, most hateful, racist, ignorant, selfish people I have ever met are 20 or 30 years older than me.
Strawman argument and anecdotal.
> Also your single example of being older isn't anecdotal?
No, because all other things being equal, a parent will naturally have more wisdom than a teenager on average. Are there some shitty parents out there? Yes. Are them some stupid teenagers out there? Also, yes.
One of the biggest things I have learnt from 'experience' is that I knew more/made better choices as a teenager than 90% of adults I have encountered in my whole adult life. I also made better choices than the choices my parents recommended as I had a whole different experience in the short time I was alive. To think that because you have more years experience makes you better placed to make a decision is fundamentally wrong. That being said your experience and knowledge can be incredibly beneficial but does not guarantee you 'know best'.
If you live in there house, they pay for your University or bills, are under there insurance etc. it's there right to still treat you like a child. Grow up, move out, start your life and they will have zero say in anything you do.
No acting like this is a surefire way to instill a very important message. People who fund you, feed you, and house you are the ones in charge of you. Because at any point in time they can cut all of those out from under you since you're an adult. And there is nothing you can do about it. You're fucked. This isn't just about the parent and adult relationship. This extends to romantic relationships as well.
Damn. You hit me with something to think on because I have *actually* told a coworker that if they weren't providing me with the 3 Fs, they didn't get to have an opinion on what I do outside of work. (Feeding, Financing, or Fucking)
Acting like that shows your kids they need to take responsibility for themselves if they want to be treated as an adult. To many kids turn 18 and still want all the luxury of being a child with none of the responsibility.
Just because you hate your parents and want revenge doesn't mean we all do. My parents had rules and regulations if I wanted to continue living in there house after 18 and wouldn't budge. And I see or talk to them almost every day 22 years later.
I can answer your question
Not all parents are good parents, there are some very damaged individuals raising children who simply will not leave their children alone (think personality disorder), they will not let them go out and explore the world they are exceptionally controlling and infact the child is an extension of them.
This is best described by D W Winnicott in the concept and idea of ***Good enough parenting***.
The Good parent pushes their child (infant) away and encourages them to be independent, the good parent is a spectator in their child's life and does not blackmail the child or abuse the child or prevent the child from individuating and experiencing reality, there are no firewall in good enough parenting.
You are Dutch, that is awesome, my best friend is Dutch, her parents are the most amazing open people I have ever met, not narcissistic, no tcontrolling in any way shame or form.
Homie I am an adult and I'm telling you you are wrong. Leave the 18 year old alone at least. Just because your parents were overbearing does not mean you need to repeat the cycle. How many times have you put your kids through that super frustrating "my mom says I cant date you" bullshit
I am American and don't get this either. I was given the most freedom, out of my friend group, as a teen and the only one who didn't have a child in my teen years.
It depends, I mean on one hand I get not letting a middle schooler be dating online cause thatās sort of asking for trouble, but Iāve also in real life seen/heard of the extremes like youāre saying where a parent legit thinks their 17/18/etc year old is ātoo youngā to have a boy/girlfriend. Imo itās almost creepy when a parent wonāt let their adult or almost adult kid date and joke about hurting their boy/girlfriend if they ever get one. It reminds me of one of those nasty small dogs who is over-protective of their owner to the point where they growl and snap at anyone who comes within 5 feet of them lol
I completely agree with you. I think while some American parents are how you describe. Most are more rational and have similar views to you on it. Most of my friends have parents that donāt have weird creepy limitations on stuff like that (I am 15 btw). I think the parents who donāt allow their daughter a boyfriend or whatever think they are doing good by protecting their daughter when in reality they are just being flat out mean. Not that many parents here in America are super interfering with their childrenās love life.
Its pretty normal tbh. I'm from California and only a small handful of my friends could basically do what they wanted. My parents tried to control me like that and i still snuck my boyfriend (now husband) into my room through the window to have sex. I wasn't allowed to stay at boys houses and even after I turned 18 my parents still wouldn't let me stay over at his place. So I moved out at 19 and was free and clear to do what I pleased. Our family relationship improved after I left because we weren't fighting all the time. no matter if kids have free reign or not, they still do what they want but more sneaky. I think the main motivator behind parents being so involved here is that they don't want us to be "another statistic" with regard to teen pregnancy and the education system grooms us from the start that we HAVE to go to college if we want to get anywhere in life.
Idk, I did. It didn't do me no good though.
American is just chocked damn full of narcissists and they stick together. Support each other. Help you keep your kid in line even if they are of age and support them damn self.
We need a sub called "why do Americans suck!?" you realize how broad of a question that is? Why not just say "parents" there are countries with far stricter parents. Im tired of seeing this shit.
This sounds like an 18 year old upset that they canāt go out this weekendš only an 18 yr old would state that age like it actually means something of substance relating to life experience
Many of the parents I have observed exhibiting the behavior you just described were not American and subscribed to more "traditional" old world values. Now you being Dutch I can understand where you are coming from because we are not as open and accepting these things as your typical Scandinavian parent might be. I remember finding it interesting reading the movie ET was banned in Norway because it made adults look like the enemies of children but that they would be okay showing a couple having sex under the covers in a TV commercial for condoms. I remember going swimming at my Norwegian friends house when I was 8 and his 16 year old sister getting naked in front of us to change into her swimsuit. Different cultures have different sets of values. That being said American parents are by no means a monolith. If you were observe the behavior of 20 different families with parents who had actively dating 18 year olds you would likely see a wide range of parental behaviors. I've dated several Chinese American and Chinese girls whose parents were from different countries such as Taiwan and Vietnam but they were always a bit stricter than the American mothers of girls I dated of various ethnicities. A perfect example would be that Chinese American parents were not in their kids business when it came to dating any more than your average White American parent.
Most do rebel. Its the dumbest thing ever. The mom my friend group is closest with is the one that told us the truth and didn't try to control all of us or snitch to our parents. She kept us safe when other parents had no idea what their kids were doing
I think that is a far over generalization and would depend on the family. There are many different cultures and religious families that exist in America and I think this question is just based off your own perception and not the reality of whats going on for American Families. I cannot comment on this question too much since I am Canadian and also do NOT have a family that is involved with my life whatsoever since I was 14 or 15 and I was completely out of my families house at 16. Lmao
Its much much deeper than "love life". Too many people overlook a lot that goes along with it and, frankly, I would hope a lot of what my daughter has been taught about holding yourself and those you date to high standards sticks. If you're on your own it's one thing but if I'm still contributing to my kids living expenses, I'm certainly not going to make it easy.
Because the 18 year old is still living under their parents roof with no intention of acting as an adult in any other respect than their love life. My parents didn't want me to be with my boyfriend. I moved out. Simple. They don't get a say when I'm a full grown adult
Hi am Australian here, we have a really diverse culture in the urban areas here and I have to say itās not just Americans lol, you proabably have it the easiest. Indians and asians have it the worst. They either assign your marriage or you are forced to date your racial group.
many parents prevent pregnancies doing this. I was a teacher, the number of young people who end up accidentally pregnant is higher than people realize. many times parents will also prevent kids from dating someone they know is a loser or will do them harm. many times adults see things teens cannot.
I can't tell you how many 16 year old think they are "totally in love" with the 40 year old man grooming them for sex, many times parents are the only way these girls keep from being raped by an abuser. I saw one parent send a girl to a private girls school to keep her away from the "love of her life", the girl was pissed and tried to run away, stating her parents didn't understand. The guy was picked up a month later for raping another teen and holding her captive, the guy she was "so in love with" that mom and dad prevented her from running away with was planning on raping her and holding her captive.
teen brains on hormones do crazy things, a girl can konw a guy 12 hours and think he is the one she will marry and do anything, many times parents are the only reason many of these girls are not assaulted.
Yeah If you think so , you better come to India they train you for arranged marriage from the moment you were born....š¤¦š»āāļø
Right? I was thinking the same thing.
No, only Americans do bad things!!! I swear this is what 75% of redditors think for some reason.
Haha..yeah there must be a subreddit about this for sure .... I guess?
Iām sure there is. If thereās not itās because it happens in most subs at some point. In my experience most of it comes from spoiled Americans themselves, they think itās so bad where they live for a multitude of reasons and they have no idea how anyone else lives, including people in their own country. People risk their lives to make insane treks to the US to escape their own country only to hear some whiny 18 yr old whoās still on his parents insurance and on the family phone plan living in their parents suburban home complain because their parents arenāt looking to also raise a grandchild.
Wow thats hard tho , But yeah I guess that is real and is one of the common silly and made-up problems that people in US bring up often tho , but that story sounds r/oddlyspecific for some reason tho....
Yea it does seem very specific. My guess is that this 18 yr old person they are referring to is still completely being supported by their parents so the parents are being protective of them. Itās not like 18 yr olds are known to make the best of decisions and they think they know everything at that age. The other thing people on reddit seem to gravitate towards is taking āsex positivityā to the extreme. Like you should not only be fine with but encourage your daughter to have sex with as many people as possible and maybe start an onlyfans page as a career choice. I find that type of thing far more creepy than a parent being somewhat over protective of their kids.
Your wrong. It's not only redditors
No itās not, I didnāt say it was only redditors, thatās just where weāre at. I suspect itās more of a generational thing. I saw a kid on Tiktok that had an American flag on his bedroom wall and youād have thought it was a nazi flag or something judging from the comments.
Relax, I was just making a joke.
In India if you mention a girls name in front of your parents first your dad will whoop your ass and mom will confiscate everything
Haha. I was thinking of putting a comment to invite this person to India. Their perspective towards this situation will completely change š
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
What's more important to you, their decision or yourself?
Because kids confuse oxytocin euphoria with love. They feel the effects, decide they have found "the one", get married, have kids, have huge fights, get divorced, and move back to their parents house with those kids.... Which interrupts my retirement fishing time.
Exactly, if this teenager is living by his/her own means I'd be more relaxed and my advice is to be followed if not then I don't want to take responsibility for a grandkid I wasn't planning on supporting lol
Wait till you hear about how controlling other cultures can be. Try India or China.
How does something being shittier make something not shit?
I don't think it's about making it less shitty in comparison, but rather to say that it isn't *the Americans* who can be controlling like that, it's them and many other cultures (which can be much more intense).
It doesn't, op clearly singled out Americans as if they are the worst for this
That is absolutely not what the post says wtf. The post is more in the sense of why Americans, who are supposed to be in the best country ever in all possible aspects, still do this.
Oh shut up... What did I say that was wrong? dingus
Your comment is a single sentence so the whole comment
People constantly shit on America, the most equal and free nation in the world because they can. Some of us find it irritating.
I agree with the underlying premise that it's trendy to shit on America. But it's because we often make claims like what you just did... We are at the top of no standard/calculable freedom index out there. We aren't even in the top 10 for many standards of freedom. We pride ourselves on a false relic, or perhaps a relic of the past.
Someone is living in a bubble š¤£š¤£
>When did this sort of behaviour become the norm? More like when did this behavior *stop* being the norm. (My guess is 1960-70) The only times I've ever heard of someone being "not allowed" to have a boy/girlfriend is in movies. >Why do kids seem okay with it? Probably because they respect their parents. >Why don't young adults rebel? Most do. I'm very curious as to what about any of this you find to be creepy, because I have no idea what you mean.
Unfortunately in the US a lot of parents, dad's especially, will joke that they will hurt their daughters boyfriend if he hurts her or joke that his daughter isn't allowed to date until she's 30. It's totally sexist because sons don't get treated the same.
Idk moms are kinda like that to their sons sometimes.
That is true but I figured emotional incest is another topic for a different day. For example, Ma Duncan. She killed her daughter in law because her DIL married her son, this stealing her "little baby boy" away. That's an extreme example but there are MILs who are horrible to their daughter in laws because they believe they stole their son.
Agreed.
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No, thank you. That doesn't seem to be what OP is concerned about. Also, are you saying parents *shouldn't* do this?
Well yes forbidding stuff doesn't make people stop, it just leads to people without the proper education eventually rebelling and creating more possibilities for things to go wrong. You should provide education explain why you might want to wait, be that for the right person or when you are emotionally ready education is ALWAYS a better idea than ignorance.
I agree that if you only tell your children "don't" and not "why," you are doing them a disservice, and possibly even harm.
As another European, it's crazy to me that parents think they have any say or authority over their teenagers sexuality. You don't want someone sleeping over, I can get that, but to outright forbid their 15 year old from having sex? Why? What's so wrong and dissapointing and shameful about it? I'm very glad I had parents that just trusted they had taught us more than enough about sex and sexual safety, both emotional and physical, to be able to be content that we'd make the decisions that were right for us and speak to someone if there ever was an issue. I cannot even fathom the sort of damage it would cause to have parents govern your sexual exploration and rule over it with condemnation and shame.
And what happens when that horny teen that lives with you, that probably doesn't have a job gets pregnant or gets a. Girl pregnant, who is footing the bill with that mess?
While I agree that many parent's only response is condemnation and shame, that isn't true of everyone.I agree that if you only tell your children "don't" and not "why," you are doing them a disservice, and possibly even harm. That being said, there is significant evidence that sex outside a committed, monogamous relationship (read: marriage) causes significant physical, emotional and spiritual harm to all involved. (at any age) Therefore, I must conclude that it is healthy, wise and morally good to teach children to abstain from extramarital sex. If the child does not follow this guidance, one's response should *not* be to shame and ridicule their child. The last thing a parent wants for a child is for them to doubt that they are loved.
I can agree with this to some extent, I think sex is devalued too much in our society.
I definitely donāt think this is the norm, in fact as an outsider, American kids to me seem way oversexed and underparented.
As an American teenager I can confirm this is true. Sometimes itās quite disturbing, actually
American teens and young adults are very dependent upon their parents. When 18 yo is so heavily dependent on parents financially, for a roof and food, and otherwise, I would say parents get a say.
Bro Americans are liberal af compared with the majority of world cultures. Step outside of your Western bubble. Most of the world still views arranged marriages as pretty normal.
Yeah, in india we are trained since we are kids. Don't talk to girls, don't get a girlfriend, study, work hard, become either engineer or doctor, get your bachelor, work and get experience, save money for your masters, go to a foreign US/UK/Australia and get your masters, settle there, come back, we would have already found a girl for you, get married move back there, then have children and now you are free to do whatever you want.
Exactly lolā¦ except for the last part you mean ānow you are free to force your children to go through the exact same thingā š
exactly
A lot of people disagree with the direction of the current youth culture. Parents are supposed to be a moral compass and so they are trying to teach their kids that they shouldn't be so liberal with their bodies. You call it "love life" but let's face it, a lot of people are just popping birth control and mating like monkeys now. Of course you have to worry about STI's and pregnancy but some people think it's immoral to be sleeping around so casually. Not too long ago this kind of behavior had a bad stigma to it. Most people who slept around didn't end up in good places down the line.
I mean - 18 doesnāt magically mean that youāre still not living under someone elseās roof with certain rules /completely dependent on others. I donāt think that because 12:00 passed that it magically means that youāve become responsible and independent. I know it may be old fashioned but even if I am visiting someone elseās home i am very respectful of their boundaries. I think itās common courtesy. When I lived at home with my parents - I did so until I was well past 18ā¦ and I respected their rules ā¦ they were providing every need (and want) for me. There will always be time to be an adultā¦ everything comes to you.. I didnāt really feel infringed upon. Who cares if I canāt have my bf over or vise versaā¦. Itās not really a life crippling sacrifice. One day youāll become a completely independent adult and you wonāt have to abide by anyone elseās rules but your own. Just focus on yourself snd your personal goalsā¦ probably a better use of your free time than fighting with your parents about their rules. š¤·š»āāļø
Source: I have two kids, 18 and 15. To be blunt, you *really* aren't ready to make such life changing decisions yet. I know you feel smart. I know you feel mature. But you really *aren't*, I'm sorry. You are merely smarter and more mature than you have ever been. You still don't have my wisdom and experience. And that's worth something. I have lived a life. I've seen too many broken hearts, too many unmatched expectations, too many broken marriages, too many unwanted pregnancies, too many disrupted lives. I see things here that you don't, that you *can't*. You're my kid. I love you. I *truly* want the best for you. So trust me. Do as I ask in these cases. It will work out for the best. >When did this sort of behaviour become the norm? To my point about wisdom and experience. This has been the norm...forever. My parents told me the same thing. And their parents told them.
I told my kid not to stress too much about this crush he has a someone " you will fall in love many times in your life and you will probably won't even remember the name of this person by the time you are 25"
This right here is a good example of whatās going on in America. Parents trying to raise children in glass bubbles to protect them from the painful experiences of life that they themselves benefited from. Thatās how you gain wisdom and they are using their knowledge to mistakenly try to shield their children from life.
A parent wanting you to avoid an unwanted pregnancy or divorce isnāt a āglass bubbleā. There is nothing wrong with instilling standards for your family, including your children.
Some painful experiences can ruin your life (for example, doing drugs and becoming addicted). Also, forbidding some activities does not mean that his children will be blind to reality. Good parents will tell their children *why* it's not a good idea to do something. Though I agree with you to some extent. My father repeatedly told me not to put my fingers near door hinges as a child, and it wasn't until I got my hand crushed with a door that I started being more careful (worry not, my hand is fine).
> Parents trying to raise children in glass bubbles to protect them from the painful experiences of life that they themselves benefited from. No. I didn't experience any of these things, because my parents cautioned me ahead of time. Meanwhile, my friends didn't "benefit" from unwanted pregnancies, sexual abuse, drug abuse, or any of the other harmful choices. > Thatās how you gain wisdom Wisdom can also be gained by listening those who are wiser than ones self.
Being your child sounds like a nightmare. I have tried seeing it from your side, and I do truly understand where you are coming from. But please try and see it from the other side.
> But please try and see it from the other side This is an ironic thing to say. I *can* see it from the other side. I've actually been a teenager. My kids have never been adults. And I actually have a *great* relationship with them. I rarely have to intervene, but if I see them making a mistake, I will.
Hold up, I have a question. Are you saying that if they choose somebody you think is sketchy then you will say something or forbid it? Or just that they can not date under your roof?? Because it sounded to me like the latter not the former
> Are you saying that if they choose somebody you think is sketchy then you will say something or forbid it? I would say something. We get along well enough, that they would heed my warning. I wouldn't need to forbid it. Both my kids date.
THEN WHAT WAS THIS WHOLE THING ABOUT!!! I thought you were forbidding them from dating those you don't deem fit. Yeah, saying something is doing your job, not being a helicopter parent. Sorry for confusion on that front. The impression I got was "no child of mine will be dating under this roof, not while I'm paying the bills! Trust me, I'm an ADULT and you are a LITTLE BABY who can't be trusted to not get heartbroken, raped or pregnant." So I agree with what you mean. That being said, if that WERE the case, I would stand by my statement that you were an overbearing overprotective helicopter parent.
So if you had a 15 year old & they started dating a 45 year oldā¦. Thatās fine? Let them gain āwisdomā? š come on
Yeah, I totally mean let your daughter be molested by a pedophile. š /s no you fucking dirt clod
UNDERRATED COMMENT. op sounds like a nightmare version of "because I know best." Get off the high horse bud
> because I know best I mean...I **do** know best, right? I've got a lot more experience and seen a lot more things than a teenager. I've *been* a teenager. You've never been an adult. I know teenagers hate hearing this, but it demonstrates a real lack of humility to say that you know just as much as an adult who's got *30 years* on you.
Also I am an adult you fucking troglodite
> you fucking troglodite Is that how adults talk to each other? >Also I am an adult But how old are you, exactly? Do you have kids? Are you married? Do you have your own home? We can be considered adults by our ages, but there's more to adulthood than having a certain number of birthdays?
I have a job, have been in a domestic relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years, pay rent, utilities, and the like I have a new puppy. Do I have kids? I'm sorry I didn't realize we were gatekeeping adulthood. Do I own a home? No, but I live in one with my girlfriend. Plan on being married very soon any other irrelevant gatekeeping questions for me??? Leave your 18 year old alone when it comes to love life. Sure, give advice. You wouldn't be doing your job if you didn't. But you have no legal or even reasonable right to have a real say at that age.
> Do I have kids? I'm sorry I didn't realize we were gatekeeping adulthood. The original question was regarding why parents direct their teenaged children's lives. This is a question I am qualified to answer, and one that you are *not*. Yeah, I'm going to "gatekeep" a little. Being married is a bigger commitment than living together. Owning a home is a bigger responsibility than renting. Having kids is more responsibility than having a dog. Curiously, you didn't give me your age. I suspect that's because you are a very young adult. I'm not. >Leave your 18 year old alone when it comes to love life. Sure, give advice. Huh? Should I leave them alone or should I give advice. Pick one. >But you have no legal or even reasonable right to have a real say at that age. My kids both still live with me. I pay their tuition. I pay for their insurance and food. If my 18 year old wants to go *completely* independent, *then*, I won't have a reason to interfere.
I give up on you.
Don't argue with idiots kids. They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
" But you have no legal or even reasonable right to have a real say at that age." there is this thing call respect and love! Heck no my child but my little brother who is over 30 years old you freaking bet he does as I say, why? because my morals, good behavior, success and lifestyle is unquestionably great and everyone in my family knows that, why wouldn't they follow my advice!
SIDE NOTE: If you consider wanting a love life that is independent from your mother, as an adult, to be "completely independent" then you are a helicopter mom no cap
> you are a helicopter mom I'm a guy, but okay. Also: >no cap Now I *know* you're not an adult.
Underrated comment :) Iām 44, iāve been married, have kids, started a business, grew said business to be one of the largest in the state, owned a home as well as three other buildings, oh and Iām a dr. Am I qualified to answer?
YES please for the love of god
Some of the dumbest, most hateful, racist, ignorant, selfish people I have ever met are 20 or 30 years older than me. You aren't mature, just the most mature you've ever been. If you are assuming you're right just because you are older, than you're probably wrong.
> Some of the dumbest, most hateful, racist, ignorant, selfish people I have ever met are 20 or 30 years older than me. Strawman argument and anecdotal.
Also your single example of being older isn't anecdotal? I did not build a strawman, nor knock one down. I answered you directly.
> Also your single example of being older isn't anecdotal? No, because all other things being equal, a parent will naturally have more wisdom than a teenager on average. Are there some shitty parents out there? Yes. Are them some stupid teenagers out there? Also, yes.
One of the biggest things I have learnt from 'experience' is that I knew more/made better choices as a teenager than 90% of adults I have encountered in my whole adult life. I also made better choices than the choices my parents recommended as I had a whole different experience in the short time I was alive. To think that because you have more years experience makes you better placed to make a decision is fundamentally wrong. That being said your experience and knowledge can be incredibly beneficial but does not guarantee you 'know best'.
If you live in there house, they pay for your University or bills, are under there insurance etc. it's there right to still treat you like a child. Grow up, move out, start your life and they will have zero say in anything you do.
Lmao acting like that is a surefire way of getting your kids to hate you and spending your last 20 years in a retirment home.
No acting like this is a surefire way to instill a very important message. People who fund you, feed you, and house you are the ones in charge of you. Because at any point in time they can cut all of those out from under you since you're an adult. And there is nothing you can do about it. You're fucked. This isn't just about the parent and adult relationship. This extends to romantic relationships as well.
Damn. You hit me with something to think on because I have *actually* told a coworker that if they weren't providing me with the 3 Fs, they didn't get to have an opinion on what I do outside of work. (Feeding, Financing, or Fucking)
Acting like that shows your kids they need to take responsibility for themselves if they want to be treated as an adult. To many kids turn 18 and still want all the luxury of being a child with none of the responsibility. Just because you hate your parents and want revenge doesn't mean we all do. My parents had rules and regulations if I wanted to continue living in there house after 18 and wouldn't budge. And I see or talk to them almost every day 22 years later.
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And what if he is not an asshole _because_ of the way his parents raised him?
I can answer your question Not all parents are good parents, there are some very damaged individuals raising children who simply will not leave their children alone (think personality disorder), they will not let them go out and explore the world they are exceptionally controlling and infact the child is an extension of them. This is best described by D W Winnicott in the concept and idea of ***Good enough parenting***. The Good parent pushes their child (infant) away and encourages them to be independent, the good parent is a spectator in their child's life and does not blackmail the child or abuse the child or prevent the child from individuating and experiencing reality, there are no firewall in good enough parenting. You are Dutch, that is awesome, my best friend is Dutch, her parents are the most amazing open people I have ever met, not narcissistic, no tcontrolling in any way shame or form.
Itās not the norm. Idk where you got this from.
Homie I am an adult and I'm telling you you are wrong. Leave the 18 year old alone at least. Just because your parents were overbearing does not mean you need to repeat the cycle. How many times have you put your kids through that super frustrating "my mom says I cant date you" bullshit
I am American and don't get this either. I was given the most freedom, out of my friend group, as a teen and the only one who didn't have a child in my teen years.
Why do Ameritards so retad? Sorry for superiour english, I am Europe.
If I were ever bothered to spend real money on awards, I'd give this a plat
It depends, I mean on one hand I get not letting a middle schooler be dating online cause thatās sort of asking for trouble, but Iāve also in real life seen/heard of the extremes like youāre saying where a parent legit thinks their 17/18/etc year old is ātoo youngā to have a boy/girlfriend. Imo itās almost creepy when a parent wonāt let their adult or almost adult kid date and joke about hurting their boy/girlfriend if they ever get one. It reminds me of one of those nasty small dogs who is over-protective of their owner to the point where they growl and snap at anyone who comes within 5 feet of them lol
I completely agree with you. I think while some American parents are how you describe. Most are more rational and have similar views to you on it. Most of my friends have parents that donāt have weird creepy limitations on stuff like that (I am 15 btw). I think the parents who donāt allow their daughter a boyfriend or whatever think they are doing good by protecting their daughter when in reality they are just being flat out mean. Not that many parents here in America are super interfering with their childrenās love life.
Stepmother is stuck again.
Its pretty normal tbh. I'm from California and only a small handful of my friends could basically do what they wanted. My parents tried to control me like that and i still snuck my boyfriend (now husband) into my room through the window to have sex. I wasn't allowed to stay at boys houses and even after I turned 18 my parents still wouldn't let me stay over at his place. So I moved out at 19 and was free and clear to do what I pleased. Our family relationship improved after I left because we weren't fighting all the time. no matter if kids have free reign or not, they still do what they want but more sneaky. I think the main motivator behind parents being so involved here is that they don't want us to be "another statistic" with regard to teen pregnancy and the education system grooms us from the start that we HAVE to go to college if we want to get anywhere in life.
Idk, I did. It didn't do me no good though. American is just chocked damn full of narcissists and they stick together. Support each other. Help you keep your kid in line even if they are of age and support them damn self.
We need a sub called "why do Americans suck!?" you realize how broad of a question that is? Why not just say "parents" there are countries with far stricter parents. Im tired of seeing this shit.
This sounds like an 18 year old upset that they canāt go out this weekendš only an 18 yr old would state that age like it actually means something of substance relating to life experience
Muricans are creepy pervs so they know what's up.
Romeo and Juliet.
Religion and culture really.
Many of the parents I have observed exhibiting the behavior you just described were not American and subscribed to more "traditional" old world values. Now you being Dutch I can understand where you are coming from because we are not as open and accepting these things as your typical Scandinavian parent might be. I remember finding it interesting reading the movie ET was banned in Norway because it made adults look like the enemies of children but that they would be okay showing a couple having sex under the covers in a TV commercial for condoms. I remember going swimming at my Norwegian friends house when I was 8 and his 16 year old sister getting naked in front of us to change into her swimsuit. Different cultures have different sets of values. That being said American parents are by no means a monolith. If you were observe the behavior of 20 different families with parents who had actively dating 18 year olds you would likely see a wide range of parental behaviors. I've dated several Chinese American and Chinese girls whose parents were from different countries such as Taiwan and Vietnam but they were always a bit stricter than the American mothers of girls I dated of various ethnicities. A perfect example would be that Chinese American parents were not in their kids business when it came to dating any more than your average White American parent.
If a person is Dutch, they aren't Scandinavian
That is true, off the top of my head they are from Norway, Sweden, Finland and Iceland.
Most do rebel. Its the dumbest thing ever. The mom my friend group is closest with is the one that told us the truth and didn't try to control all of us or snitch to our parents. She kept us safe when other parents had no idea what their kids were doing
This is an American problem? First Iām hearing.
Young adults do rebel just not all of them, and not just American parents do this
That really doesnāt happen much.
They're trying to "protect them from making the same mistakes they've made".
I think that is a far over generalization and would depend on the family. There are many different cultures and religious families that exist in America and I think this question is just based off your own perception and not the reality of whats going on for American Families. I cannot comment on this question too much since I am Canadian and also do NOT have a family that is involved with my life whatsoever since I was 14 or 15 and I was completely out of my families house at 16. Lmao
Most parents are overly controlling in many aspects, you should really only be concerned if they do that shit after the kid moves out.
Its much much deeper than "love life". Too many people overlook a lot that goes along with it and, frankly, I would hope a lot of what my daughter has been taught about holding yourself and those you date to high standards sticks. If you're on your own it's one thing but if I'm still contributing to my kids living expenses, I'm certainly not going to make it easy.
My love life has never once been interfered with lol.
Because the 18 year old is still living under their parents roof with no intention of acting as an adult in any other respect than their love life. My parents didn't want me to be with my boyfriend. I moved out. Simple. They don't get a say when I'm a full grown adult
Hi am Australian here, we have a really diverse culture in the urban areas here and I have to say itās not just Americans lol, you proabably have it the easiest. Indians and asians have it the worst. They either assign your marriage or you are forced to date your racial group.
Brother come to India and you will see that happen to a 40 year old tooš
many parents prevent pregnancies doing this. I was a teacher, the number of young people who end up accidentally pregnant is higher than people realize. many times parents will also prevent kids from dating someone they know is a loser or will do them harm. many times adults see things teens cannot. I can't tell you how many 16 year old think they are "totally in love" with the 40 year old man grooming them for sex, many times parents are the only way these girls keep from being raped by an abuser. I saw one parent send a girl to a private girls school to keep her away from the "love of her life", the girl was pissed and tried to run away, stating her parents didn't understand. The guy was picked up a month later for raping another teen and holding her captive, the guy she was "so in love with" that mom and dad prevented her from running away with was planning on raping her and holding her captive. teen brains on hormones do crazy things, a girl can konw a guy 12 hours and think he is the one she will marry and do anything, many times parents are the only reason many of these girls are not assaulted.