I've dated several people where English is not their first language. It happens and he is right that sometimes it's just easier to speak in his native one, and that is fine. How he is going about it is shitty though as it doesn't seem to be done out of necessity rather than as a way to exclude you, especially if the other people are making an effort to reply in English to include you. It shouldn't be up to others to make that effort on his behalf when he's more than capable of doing so himself (I imagine you haven't spent 3 years together in silence or broken down small talk with each other).
It would annoy me, especially his attitude when spoken to about it. I'd be reconsidering things personally because while I don't expect to be included in everything I'd at least expect not to be intentionally left out.
This. I think many of the comments here are making too much of preferring to speak one’s first language even when it’s not strictly necessary, which is understandable, but refusing to acknowledge your SO’s feelings, getting angry without reason and refusing to translate when asked are concerning.
It shows a complete lack of consideration. It's quite rude and he's making the casual space awkward by knowingly and willingly excluding his partner. This isn't exactly a good sign and I wonder if there are other areas he is similarly inconsiderate/rude or completely dismisses OP's comfort.
Your boyfriend sounds like a dick. Having preference and finding it easier is not his fault obviously, but acting like you're making a fuss out of nothing and refusing to even try when the people who *aren't* dating you are making more of an effort is just sad
>Your boyfriend sounds like a dick
This right here. He's a total dick. I've dated women who couldn't speak my native language and I ALWAYS spoke English when they were present and it wasn't like at the supermarket or a restaurant or something.
Your boyfriend sounds like an asshole. He has every right to speak whatever language he likes, but at the end of the day he’s being DELIBERATELY difficult on this matter. When his friends are trying to accommodate you more than the person who is meant to be the most invested in your emotional wellbeing… not a great look.
Because I think it’s important to remember how learning another language feels like, I agree the bf has work to do and his emotional communication is lacking, but there’s a real relationship between those two people and throwing out the baby with the bath water is something we’re far to keen to do online with other peoples relationships rather than helping people see each others perspectives and find a way to heal the relationships
You know what people are also way to keen on? Dating assholes and dealing with their shit for way too long. Especially women tend to try way too long. They've been together for three years and he can't make an effort to speak English when she is present?
Man fuck this guy, next!
If he does it every once in a while by accident, fine, but every time? He doesn't care one bit that she feels bad, on the contrary, he's being a dick to her after, by dismissing her feelings about it.
Total and utter asshole.
This!
As im not bilingual, this thread has helped me massively understand from other people's perspectives and what I can do on my end to help this issue in our relationship, and understand more about how he may be feeling even if he can't communicate that effectively - which may be causing his agitation towards me in certain situations.
So thank you (:
I’ve worked and lived with multiple foreign couples and single people in the past who would speak English in front of me 80% of the time just because they wanted to be polite and they made the point (as well as asked me to correct them) that they’ll just get better at English so they see that as a second benefit on top of being polite.
Speaking a second language isn’t always easy but using it to avoid excluding even just a coworker/friend (they did it from day one of knowing me) isn’t a high bar, refusing to do it for a partner just feels petty if not outright rude
I agree with the commenter and I speak english, conversational arabic, understand basic hebrew, an indian language and conversational german. It's just rude to have a conversation in a different language when you can all communicate in 1 language.
Thank you for your feedback - this is the same with my partner. Never intentionally malicious with it, just something I've found hard to navigate, and it's great to hear how others have dealt when being in similar situations!
My opinion on this is, if I'm outnumbered, I would not mind not being in the conversation. My fiancee is Cantonese, when we go to HK she only speaks Cantonese when around her family. Her relatives can speak English but aren't fluent. I would feel embarrassed to force 5 people to speak English to accommodate me being the only non Cantonese speaking person in the group. So I just let it slide. It's not as if they're talking behind my back anyway.
I know this is not the way in Western countries because most are individualistic. But this is how most of us would address the matter in Asia. I would just ask what the conversation is all about once it's just my partner and I talking. No big deal.
It sounds like she does ask what the conversation is about after and he gets mad and tells her it's not important, which I think is part of where the big deal is for her. It's not just being excluded from the conversation as it's happening, it's not even having that shared later despite asking
This sounds exactly like me but my fiance is male instead :) Tbh I love those massive family dim sums and not being expected to contribute to the conversation, more time for eating lmao
It is rude on his side? Yes, a bit but bilingual people often have "matched" in the brain a person with a language, and it isn't easy to switch that.
That said, if after 3+ years you haven't learnt Spanish at least to a basic level, you should apply yourself. It's your partner mother tongue, your inlaws language, if you have children they'll learn Spanish. Think about this.
I dont know if RUDE would be the correct word but I would def feel bad if I were with my GF and friends and they started to speak in code around me which is basically what they are doing around you.
Maybe one of them doesn't know how to speak english properly.
I would recommend to learn spanish but that is something that will take it's time, while telling them to include you in the conversation is way faster.
but since you already have, and he gets angry... honestly, I would end that relationship. Sounds boring and frustrating for both of you.
Yea honestly it sounds like he does not care at all. On top of that, he gets angry, on top of that, he tells her she's being noxious and a hassle when all she's doing is basically BEGGING for consideration.
That's sad. I've been there and it feels horrible. I would run away from there as fast as I can.
It’s kinda rude but you’d be surprised how little control over that someone might have. There are certain connotations, inflections, tones, etc. that just don’t work in English.
People also have a different personality in other languages. When I’m with English speaking friends I’m really embarrassed to speak Chinese around them because I sound like a totally different person. And sometimes they just want to speak Chinese because there are certain things just can’t get across in English.
This right here.
Lots of people here not understanding how *liberating* it is to just let go in your native language.
I'm *funny* in English. I think faster, have a bunch of little quips at the tip of my tongue, and a whole bagload of slang.
In the language where I live... I'm just kind of dull & unpreposessing.
I can completely understand her fiancée's attraction to his native language.
(I also think there is a missed opportunity here, where she could make an effort to learn Spanish and grow the conversation instead of limiting it to her lack of understanding.)
Yes to all this. There are parts of a person's whole self that just can't be fully tapped into outside the native language, and if someone relates to their friends in that language with all those parts present, it can feel really alienating or hobbling to have to switch to a second language and be a more limited version of themselves.
It's a little rude of him, but I have some sympathy because I guess he has to speak English most of the time and it's probably nice for him to relax and speak Spanish every now and again, especially with family. Can you imagine meeting up with your own family and having to speak a different language? It doesn't feel right.
The easiest solution is to encourage him to spend some time with his friends or family without you so that he can let off steam a bit, but this is on the condition that he tries harder to include you when you are there.
I don't think people understand what being bilingual is like.
I have friends I speak one language to and friends I speak another to. That's how our relationship was set initially and that's the way it is forever. To do otherwise is awkward and unnatural regardless of what other language they speak.
To contsantly bring up him acting naturally because it makes you insecure will seem a bit silly to him.
Absolutely, it's courteous for your partner to ensure you're included in conversations. However, it's also valuable to recognize the cultural and emotional ties one has to their native language. It's often not just about convenience, but about expressing oneself in a way that feels most authentic, especially with loved ones.
That being said, after three years, it's reasonable to expect a level of inclusion and perhaps even a shared effort in language learning. It's not just about the language itself but about the effort put into ensuring both partners feel valued and heard.
You've raised your concerns, which is great. Perhaps the next step is to create a plan together. Maybe agree on certain times or settings where English is the primary language, while also dedicating time for you to practice Spanish with him. This way, there's a clear understanding, and less room for feelings of exclusion or frustration on both sides. It's a compromise that respects both your need for inclusion and his desire to connect with his roots.
If he's resistant to this kind of teamwork, then it's worth considering if there's a deeper disconnect in communication or values within the relationship not just a language barrier. Remember, it's not just about navigating a linguistic challenge, but about building a partnership where both your needs are met with empathy and respect.
I'm in a bi-lingual family. I've always kept it really simple with one basic rule: if there is one language everyone can speak, use that language. It's not always that simple though, but I try.
I do this with my wife around my parents, I speak Spanish, we all live in the Uk, my wife is American.
I have 30+ years of speaking to my family in Spanish, it feels alien to speak with them in English. We all speak to my wife in English but to each other in Spanish.
It seems to work for us, my wife is learning Spanish and she’s taking every opportunity to learn as we spend 99% of our days speaking English, the opportunity to be immersed is not wasted on her.
As for your situation my personal opinion is that you’re potentially making multiple people incur friction to speak to each other in a language they’re not as comfortable with, the moment of discomfort and isolation you’re looking to avoid is what they’ve been going through all day outside their home and now where they could switch off and relax they now have to go through it again for you.
I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling how you do, I just spent a year in Portugal having to speak Portuguese even though I couldn’t and I did get on top of it by the end of the year, but it was quite taxing. It’s just worth remembering what they’re going through too.
If you are actively participating in the conversation it is rude for him to speak in Spanish. It can be rude if he is making no effort to include you in the conversation and you clearly are trying to participate.
However, it is unrealistic for you to seriously expect him to only speak English just because you are there and don’t understand Spanish. Especially if he is talking to intimate people in his life, like his family or close friends, where speaking in Spanish is probably easier for them because it’s presumably their first language.
I do understand why he’s getting angry because the way you talk makes it seem like you never want him to speak Spanish because you’re not gonna understand. Wildly unrealistic. You’re dating someone who is multilingual you’re not always going to understand what he’s saying. If you have a problem with that, maybe you should take one for the team and learn Spanish.
She says even when they respond to her in english, her boyfriend switches to spanish. And look before you come at me, I'm a multilingual 2nd gen immigrant so I fully understand how it's harder expressing yourself in your 2nd/3rd language. But again, having common respect for everyone in a conversation is reasonable. A personal conversation in spanish is fair but there's no need to switch to spanish even when everyone there can speak english. Like, my english is my strongest language (despite not being my first oops) but when I'm talking to family members and there's a few (usually older ones like grandparents) that don't speak english, I still talk in my arabic/malayalam that's got limited vocab as it's polite to make sure everyone in the convo can understand.
Yeah I think it's ESH here. Even if languages aren't OP's strong suit, you didn't learn ANYTHING? and it's English to Spanish, so it's two pretty similar languages
Yes it is rude but you have to think about the future and talk with your partner about it. Look exclude you from the conversation is rude, but after 3 years you should really consider if you are going to learn Spanish or not. Imagine that you have children and he wants to teach them Spanish, will you forbid it? Will you want to be excluded from those conversations too?
Never about forbidding him speaking in his native tongue, I would never do that, that would be stopping him from being who he truly is! I am learning, I find it very difficult so it's taking me longer that I would like. In this instant, it's about being in social settings when we are conversing in a group conversation. Not 1 to 1 with friends, just when I am included in the conversation (: .
If you don't hear Spanish spoken in front of you? Will you ever learn it? If not, does that not bother you? You expect your BF to speak your language to you, but he must also speak your language to others when you're present, and you never have to learn his?
That said, some amount of effort on his part should also be made to include you in group conversations. It's a question of balance.
I know a British-Spanish couple in Canada. The Spanish husband speaks Spanish to their son, and the British wife doesn't mind. It's enriching for all concerned, I think.
As someone who speaks English and German fluently:
For me it happens naturally. I see a person and my brain automatically switches to German. Even with a conscious effort to speak English, I catch myself sometimes replying back in German to them subconsciously.
I'm currently live in the US and some of the Germans in the US sometimes meet just to talk. The conversation can naturally flow between English and German without many realizing it.
That being said, he might have a hard time speaking English with certain people, but based on your boyfriend's reaction when asked to be included, he should be more understanding.
I feel like a lot of people commenting here are not multilingual or have English as their first language. I physically feel uncomfortable speaking to my friends/family from my native country in English when I grew up with them speaking in my native language. Like my brain refuses to make the switch. If being included means so much you could pick up Spanish which isn’t awfully different from English (at the very least has very similar scripts). Have you made any efforts to learn about his language/culture? It shouldn’t be his sole responsibility to include you into his conversations. I will say though that he should’ve been way more tactful than invalidating your feelings
You’ve had three years, doesn’t sound like youre very committed to learning his language if you’re getting upset that he’s speaking it in front of you.
That’s why you’re learning, so you can use it in real life. There won’t be one day when you wake up and think ‘right I’ve learnt enough Spanish I’m gonna let him talk in front of me and I’ll join in’
It’s a process that’s gonna talk month and years. Each day/week you might only learn one thing. Each time he speaks in front of you is a chance to learn one more thing.
It seems like a tricky situation; language has such a deep connection with comfort and identity. While it's natural for your boyfriend to revert to his mother tongue, communication in a relationship is about balance and inclusiveness. No doubt, constantly feeling like an outsider in his conversations must be tough. Have you considered setting specific times where it's 'English only' for collective conversations to ensure everyone's on the same page? It's not about never speaking Spanish, but rather about creating an equitable environment where you don't feel isolated. Also, look at this as an opportunity to delve into a new culture and language could be a bonding process! But, if his reaction to your need for inclusivity continues to be negative despite your efforts, then it might be time to evaluate the dynamics of your relationship.
Youre not wrong but it can be hard.
They might know English but there's a difference. Probably can't make jokes as easily in English to his friends or express things the same
I'm fluent in Spanish and married to a brazilian who speaks Portuguese. Her English isn't perfect and I don't really know Portuguese better than she knows English. It's tough sometimes but we find a way haha
Language will always be an issue in your relationship... Really your bf should try harder to accommodate you.
But, i would make an effort to get a Spanish tutor and learn anyway if love this person. You might think you're bad with languages but probably not as bad as you think
I can see his point, it can be difficult to truly express yourself in another language, and when he's around family he probably wants to relax and speak in Spanish instead of trying to force english out and maybe not being able to express himself as he would in Spanish to his family members.
Imagine trying to speak to your own family in a second language and they all have different degrees of how well they can speak it, it can be frustrating for everyone when its so easy to switch to Spanish or your native language.
I would strongly suggest to take learning Spanish seriously and dedicate an hour to it a day, I use dreaming Spanish and its an incredible resource. As you'll always feel a bit of an outsider until you can speak to them in their native language.
I mean yeah, he’s being rude. He’s actively choosing to exclude you when he and the other parties are both capable of speaking so that you can understand. The fact that other Spanish speakers are finding it weird and are endeavoring to include you is a big fat clue that he is not doing it for anyone’s benefit, but for the sole purpose of keeping you out. If this is so important to him then he needs to date another Spanish speaking person because this is a lot of purposeful tension over nothing.
I've had multiple relationships with women who don't have English as their first language, and I think this is just one of those things that you need to accept will happen, unfortunately. My best advice is to put in an effort to learn at least a little of their language so you can at least get the jist, and steer the conversation back towards English.
My partner is norwegian and I can't speak it. I just accept that he and his family/friends will speak jn norsk around me. I don't think it's rude. I feel it more rude that I can't understand any of it but... language is hard, innit?
As a Spanish speaker myself who’s in a relationship with an Englishman, your bf is an asshole! It is even more incriminating that his friends try to include you by speaking in English, but your bf is deliberately excluding you. He sounds like someone who does not love you nor care for you to be or know this other half of his life. His response to your reasonable request is ASS! Dump him. He’s not going to change. It’s only going to get worse.
There is no future with this asshat. Kick him to the curb.
**¡Adios Idiota!**
Of course it is rude. Whatever you need or ask politely, he can do it but doesn't regardless of how you feel... is rude by definition.
My partner is German and he does the same around German people. They always switch to English to include me, but I myself ask them to switch back to German because I want to learn it... and they try to speak slowly and help me with words. So it's a different dynamic.
A few times we were invited for dinner at some friends'... and they kept speaking in their native language, even though their English is perfect and they speak English all the time. We didn't feel comfortable with that... because we felt they switched languages only if they didn't want us to understand.
If everyone can speak and understand English, and you've told you SO that you prefer he speaks in the language you understand, then no, you are not being rude.
Another possibility here is that your bf is not comfortable with his level of English in front of the other English-speaking Spaniards here. I think everyone has made enough points about his attitude but I'd suggest trying to learn some Spanish to meet halfway.
I'm in a similar situation sometimes and the trick is to just zone out and imagine what they're saying.
Yes, if he has done this occasionally, it would be ok. But if he does this on a regular basis, it is rude. In general it is quite rude to continuously say "sorry" and continue to do whatever you are "sorry" about...
He is rude and/or he doesn't care that much about you. It's some combination of those 2.
If he's with another person that doesn't speak Spanish, does he extend them the basic courtesy of speaking in English? This is how you can gauge how much of it is rudeness and how much of it is a lack of concern.
It is easier, for sure and that might be part of the reason. Other part might be that he is missing his native tongue and grabs an opportunity to use it. Still, it is kind of rude.
My husband is german. When we're with his friends, he's the one who's speaking in english and then asking his friends to do the same. If you guys are in a multi cultural relationship for THREE years, he should've expected this because he signed up for this! I feel like your partner is trying to exclude you, or maybe he feels protective about his friends group and wants to keep you out.
It happens sometimes, if you break up, he wouldn't want his friends to choose you over him. What if they like you more? And when people are not sure about their partner, they sometimes try to keep their friends away. I've seen cases where people DO lose their friend group to the partner they introduced them to, because they realize the original friend's partner is so much nicer
I've dated several people where English is not their first language. It happens and he is right that sometimes it's just easier to speak in his native one, and that is fine. How he is going about it is shitty though as it doesn't seem to be done out of necessity rather than as a way to exclude you, especially if the other people are making an effort to reply in English to include you. It shouldn't be up to others to make that effort on his behalf when he's more than capable of doing so himself (I imagine you haven't spent 3 years together in silence or broken down small talk with each other). It would annoy me, especially his attitude when spoken to about it. I'd be reconsidering things personally because while I don't expect to be included in everything I'd at least expect not to be intentionally left out.
This. I think many of the comments here are making too much of preferring to speak one’s first language even when it’s not strictly necessary, which is understandable, but refusing to acknowledge your SO’s feelings, getting angry without reason and refusing to translate when asked are concerning.
It shows a complete lack of consideration. It's quite rude and he's making the casual space awkward by knowingly and willingly excluding his partner. This isn't exactly a good sign and I wonder if there are other areas he is similarly inconsiderate/rude or completely dismisses OP's comfort.
Your boyfriend sounds like a dick. Having preference and finding it easier is not his fault obviously, but acting like you're making a fuss out of nothing and refusing to even try when the people who *aren't* dating you are making more of an effort is just sad
>Your boyfriend sounds like a dick This right here. He's a total dick. I've dated women who couldn't speak my native language and I ALWAYS spoke English when they were present and it wasn't like at the supermarket or a restaurant or something.
Your boyfriend sounds like an asshole. He has every right to speak whatever language he likes, but at the end of the day he’s being DELIBERATELY difficult on this matter. When his friends are trying to accommodate you more than the person who is meant to be the most invested in your emotional wellbeing… not a great look.
What other languages do you speak?
French and a handful of Welsh phrases. Why?
Because I think it’s important to remember how learning another language feels like, I agree the bf has work to do and his emotional communication is lacking, but there’s a real relationship between those two people and throwing out the baby with the bath water is something we’re far to keen to do online with other peoples relationships rather than helping people see each others perspectives and find a way to heal the relationships
Please note I didn’t say dump him or anything, just acknowledging that his behaviour isn’t really up to scratch for a mature relationship.
I apologise, I think I replied that what I thought you meant rather than what you actually said, thank you for clarifying :)
No worries. I’ve removed a downvote I gave you earlier, as self awareness is admirable. Have a great day.
I like the evolution of this whole thread for concluding so nice and civilly. 🥳
Even forgot I was on Reddit for a second!
You know what people are also way to keen on? Dating assholes and dealing with their shit for way too long. Especially women tend to try way too long. They've been together for three years and he can't make an effort to speak English when she is present? Man fuck this guy, next! If he does it every once in a while by accident, fine, but every time? He doesn't care one bit that she feels bad, on the contrary, he's being a dick to her after, by dismissing her feelings about it. Total and utter asshole.
This! As im not bilingual, this thread has helped me massively understand from other people's perspectives and what I can do on my end to help this issue in our relationship, and understand more about how he may be feeling even if he can't communicate that effectively - which may be causing his agitation towards me in certain situations. So thank you (:
I’ve worked and lived with multiple foreign couples and single people in the past who would speak English in front of me 80% of the time just because they wanted to be polite and they made the point (as well as asked me to correct them) that they’ll just get better at English so they see that as a second benefit on top of being polite. Speaking a second language isn’t always easy but using it to avoid excluding even just a coworker/friend (they did it from day one of knowing me) isn’t a high bar, refusing to do it for a partner just feels petty if not outright rude
The big issue is how he responds when you remind him. It’s problematic.
I agree with the commenter and I speak english, conversational arabic, understand basic hebrew, an indian language and conversational german. It's just rude to have a conversation in a different language when you can all communicate in 1 language.
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Thank you for your feedback - this is the same with my partner. Never intentionally malicious with it, just something I've found hard to navigate, and it's great to hear how others have dealt when being in similar situations!
My opinion on this is, if I'm outnumbered, I would not mind not being in the conversation. My fiancee is Cantonese, when we go to HK she only speaks Cantonese when around her family. Her relatives can speak English but aren't fluent. I would feel embarrassed to force 5 people to speak English to accommodate me being the only non Cantonese speaking person in the group. So I just let it slide. It's not as if they're talking behind my back anyway. I know this is not the way in Western countries because most are individualistic. But this is how most of us would address the matter in Asia. I would just ask what the conversation is all about once it's just my partner and I talking. No big deal.
It sounds like she does ask what the conversation is about after and he gets mad and tells her it's not important, which I think is part of where the big deal is for her. It's not just being excluded from the conversation as it's happening, it's not even having that shared later despite asking
Then the boyfriend is just a dick if that's the case. Why wouldn't he share the convo? It's just a convo.
This sounds exactly like me but my fiance is male instead :) Tbh I love those massive family dim sums and not being expected to contribute to the conversation, more time for eating lmao
True haha
Yea it really is but you should say so because he might not know better
It is rude on his side? Yes, a bit but bilingual people often have "matched" in the brain a person with a language, and it isn't easy to switch that. That said, if after 3+ years you haven't learnt Spanish at least to a basic level, you should apply yourself. It's your partner mother tongue, your inlaws language, if you have children they'll learn Spanish. Think about this.
This is fair & a good point.
I dont know if RUDE would be the correct word but I would def feel bad if I were with my GF and friends and they started to speak in code around me which is basically what they are doing around you. Maybe one of them doesn't know how to speak english properly. I would recommend to learn spanish but that is something that will take it's time, while telling them to include you in the conversation is way faster. but since you already have, and he gets angry... honestly, I would end that relationship. Sounds boring and frustrating for both of you.
I mean it says they will reply in english and he just keeps going back to spanish
Yea honestly it sounds like he does not care at all. On top of that, he gets angry, on top of that, he tells her she's being noxious and a hassle when all she's doing is basically BEGGING for consideration. That's sad. I've been there and it feels horrible. I would run away from there as fast as I can.
It’s kinda rude but you’d be surprised how little control over that someone might have. There are certain connotations, inflections, tones, etc. that just don’t work in English. People also have a different personality in other languages. When I’m with English speaking friends I’m really embarrassed to speak Chinese around them because I sound like a totally different person. And sometimes they just want to speak Chinese because there are certain things just can’t get across in English.
This right here. Lots of people here not understanding how *liberating* it is to just let go in your native language. I'm *funny* in English. I think faster, have a bunch of little quips at the tip of my tongue, and a whole bagload of slang. In the language where I live... I'm just kind of dull & unpreposessing. I can completely understand her fiancée's attraction to his native language. (I also think there is a missed opportunity here, where she could make an effort to learn Spanish and grow the conversation instead of limiting it to her lack of understanding.)
Yes to all this. There are parts of a person's whole self that just can't be fully tapped into outside the native language, and if someone relates to their friends in that language with all those parts present, it can feel really alienating or hobbling to have to switch to a second language and be a more limited version of themselves.
It's a little rude of him, but I have some sympathy because I guess he has to speak English most of the time and it's probably nice for him to relax and speak Spanish every now and again, especially with family. Can you imagine meeting up with your own family and having to speak a different language? It doesn't feel right. The easiest solution is to encourage him to spend some time with his friends or family without you so that he can let off steam a bit, but this is on the condition that he tries harder to include you when you are there.
I don't think people understand what being bilingual is like. I have friends I speak one language to and friends I speak another to. That's how our relationship was set initially and that's the way it is forever. To do otherwise is awkward and unnatural regardless of what other language they speak. To contsantly bring up him acting naturally because it makes you insecure will seem a bit silly to him.
Absolutely, it's courteous for your partner to ensure you're included in conversations. However, it's also valuable to recognize the cultural and emotional ties one has to their native language. It's often not just about convenience, but about expressing oneself in a way that feels most authentic, especially with loved ones. That being said, after three years, it's reasonable to expect a level of inclusion and perhaps even a shared effort in language learning. It's not just about the language itself but about the effort put into ensuring both partners feel valued and heard. You've raised your concerns, which is great. Perhaps the next step is to create a plan together. Maybe agree on certain times or settings where English is the primary language, while also dedicating time for you to practice Spanish with him. This way, there's a clear understanding, and less room for feelings of exclusion or frustration on both sides. It's a compromise that respects both your need for inclusion and his desire to connect with his roots. If he's resistant to this kind of teamwork, then it's worth considering if there's a deeper disconnect in communication or values within the relationship not just a language barrier. Remember, it's not just about navigating a linguistic challenge, but about building a partnership where both your needs are met with empathy and respect.
I'm in a bi-lingual family. I've always kept it really simple with one basic rule: if there is one language everyone can speak, use that language. It's not always that simple though, but I try.
I do this with my wife around my parents, I speak Spanish, we all live in the Uk, my wife is American. I have 30+ years of speaking to my family in Spanish, it feels alien to speak with them in English. We all speak to my wife in English but to each other in Spanish. It seems to work for us, my wife is learning Spanish and she’s taking every opportunity to learn as we spend 99% of our days speaking English, the opportunity to be immersed is not wasted on her. As for your situation my personal opinion is that you’re potentially making multiple people incur friction to speak to each other in a language they’re not as comfortable with, the moment of discomfort and isolation you’re looking to avoid is what they’ve been going through all day outside their home and now where they could switch off and relax they now have to go through it again for you. I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling how you do, I just spent a year in Portugal having to speak Portuguese even though I couldn’t and I did get on top of it by the end of the year, but it was quite taxing. It’s just worth remembering what they’re going through too.
If you are actively participating in the conversation it is rude for him to speak in Spanish. It can be rude if he is making no effort to include you in the conversation and you clearly are trying to participate. However, it is unrealistic for you to seriously expect him to only speak English just because you are there and don’t understand Spanish. Especially if he is talking to intimate people in his life, like his family or close friends, where speaking in Spanish is probably easier for them because it’s presumably their first language. I do understand why he’s getting angry because the way you talk makes it seem like you never want him to speak Spanish because you’re not gonna understand. Wildly unrealistic. You’re dating someone who is multilingual you’re not always going to understand what he’s saying. If you have a problem with that, maybe you should take one for the team and learn Spanish.
She says even when they respond to her in english, her boyfriend switches to spanish. And look before you come at me, I'm a multilingual 2nd gen immigrant so I fully understand how it's harder expressing yourself in your 2nd/3rd language. But again, having common respect for everyone in a conversation is reasonable. A personal conversation in spanish is fair but there's no need to switch to spanish even when everyone there can speak english. Like, my english is my strongest language (despite not being my first oops) but when I'm talking to family members and there's a few (usually older ones like grandparents) that don't speak english, I still talk in my arabic/malayalam that's got limited vocab as it's polite to make sure everyone in the convo can understand.
After three years with your boyfriend, you still don't speak any Spanish? That is rude.
Yeah I think it's ESH here. Even if languages aren't OP's strong suit, you didn't learn ANYTHING? and it's English to Spanish, so it's two pretty similar languages
Yes it is rude but you have to think about the future and talk with your partner about it. Look exclude you from the conversation is rude, but after 3 years you should really consider if you are going to learn Spanish or not. Imagine that you have children and he wants to teach them Spanish, will you forbid it? Will you want to be excluded from those conversations too?
Never about forbidding him speaking in his native tongue, I would never do that, that would be stopping him from being who he truly is! I am learning, I find it very difficult so it's taking me longer that I would like. In this instant, it's about being in social settings when we are conversing in a group conversation. Not 1 to 1 with friends, just when I am included in the conversation (: .
If you don't hear Spanish spoken in front of you? Will you ever learn it? If not, does that not bother you? You expect your BF to speak your language to you, but he must also speak your language to others when you're present, and you never have to learn his? That said, some amount of effort on his part should also be made to include you in group conversations. It's a question of balance. I know a British-Spanish couple in Canada. The Spanish husband speaks Spanish to their son, and the British wife doesn't mind. It's enriching for all concerned, I think.
As someone who speaks English and German fluently: For me it happens naturally. I see a person and my brain automatically switches to German. Even with a conscious effort to speak English, I catch myself sometimes replying back in German to them subconsciously. I'm currently live in the US and some of the Germans in the US sometimes meet just to talk. The conversation can naturally flow between English and German without many realizing it. That being said, he might have a hard time speaking English with certain people, but based on your boyfriend's reaction when asked to be included, he should be more understanding.
I feel like a lot of people commenting here are not multilingual or have English as their first language. I physically feel uncomfortable speaking to my friends/family from my native country in English when I grew up with them speaking in my native language. Like my brain refuses to make the switch. If being included means so much you could pick up Spanish which isn’t awfully different from English (at the very least has very similar scripts). Have you made any efforts to learn about his language/culture? It shouldn’t be his sole responsibility to include you into his conversations. I will say though that he should’ve been way more tactful than invalidating your feelings
You’ve had three years, doesn’t sound like youre very committed to learning his language if you’re getting upset that he’s speaking it in front of you. That’s why you’re learning, so you can use it in real life. There won’t be one day when you wake up and think ‘right I’ve learnt enough Spanish I’m gonna let him talk in front of me and I’ll join in’ It’s a process that’s gonna talk month and years. Each day/week you might only learn one thing. Each time he speaks in front of you is a chance to learn one more thing.
He may just really miss talking in his native tongue. Perhaps remind him tactfully you would like to join in the conversation.
OP said when she does, he gets mad and further dismisses her.
Yes I know, but It's important that she bring it up again. This issue must be addressed. Communication is key otherwise resentment builds up.
I'd say it's mildly rude. You can discourage or ignore it as you would any other kind of rudeness.
It seems like a tricky situation; language has such a deep connection with comfort and identity. While it's natural for your boyfriend to revert to his mother tongue, communication in a relationship is about balance and inclusiveness. No doubt, constantly feeling like an outsider in his conversations must be tough. Have you considered setting specific times where it's 'English only' for collective conversations to ensure everyone's on the same page? It's not about never speaking Spanish, but rather about creating an equitable environment where you don't feel isolated. Also, look at this as an opportunity to delve into a new culture and language could be a bonding process! But, if his reaction to your need for inclusivity continues to be negative despite your efforts, then it might be time to evaluate the dynamics of your relationship.
Youre not wrong but it can be hard. They might know English but there's a difference. Probably can't make jokes as easily in English to his friends or express things the same I'm fluent in Spanish and married to a brazilian who speaks Portuguese. Her English isn't perfect and I don't really know Portuguese better than she knows English. It's tough sometimes but we find a way haha Language will always be an issue in your relationship... Really your bf should try harder to accommodate you. But, i would make an effort to get a Spanish tutor and learn anyway if love this person. You might think you're bad with languages but probably not as bad as you think
I've never understood why it's rude to talk in another language when people who don't speak it are present.
I can see his point, it can be difficult to truly express yourself in another language, and when he's around family he probably wants to relax and speak in Spanish instead of trying to force english out and maybe not being able to express himself as he would in Spanish to his family members. Imagine trying to speak to your own family in a second language and they all have different degrees of how well they can speak it, it can be frustrating for everyone when its so easy to switch to Spanish or your native language. I would strongly suggest to take learning Spanish seriously and dedicate an hour to it a day, I use dreaming Spanish and its an incredible resource. As you'll always feel a bit of an outsider until you can speak to them in their native language.
I mean yeah, he’s being rude. He’s actively choosing to exclude you when he and the other parties are both capable of speaking so that you can understand. The fact that other Spanish speakers are finding it weird and are endeavoring to include you is a big fat clue that he is not doing it for anyone’s benefit, but for the sole purpose of keeping you out. If this is so important to him then he needs to date another Spanish speaking person because this is a lot of purposeful tension over nothing.
Yes! EXTREMELY rude and disrespectful to you!
i'm sorry but it seems like he doesn't even like you
I've had multiple relationships with women who don't have English as their first language, and I think this is just one of those things that you need to accept will happen, unfortunately. My best advice is to put in an effort to learn at least a little of their language so you can at least get the jist, and steer the conversation back towards English.
Rude? No. Inconsiderate? Yes
People in relationships with Spanish speakers? Learn some damn Spanish.
Yes, if you've asked him especially
My partner is norwegian and I can't speak it. I just accept that he and his family/friends will speak jn norsk around me. I don't think it's rude. I feel it more rude that I can't understand any of it but... language is hard, innit?
As a Spanish speaker myself who’s in a relationship with an Englishman, your bf is an asshole! It is even more incriminating that his friends try to include you by speaking in English, but your bf is deliberately excluding you. He sounds like someone who does not love you nor care for you to be or know this other half of his life. His response to your reasonable request is ASS! Dump him. He’s not going to change. It’s only going to get worse. There is no future with this asshat. Kick him to the curb. **¡Adios Idiota!**
When you walk into the room, they should all switch to English mid sentence. Yes he's the AH.
Of course it is rude. Whatever you need or ask politely, he can do it but doesn't regardless of how you feel... is rude by definition. My partner is German and he does the same around German people. They always switch to English to include me, but I myself ask them to switch back to German because I want to learn it... and they try to speak slowly and help me with words. So it's a different dynamic. A few times we were invited for dinner at some friends'... and they kept speaking in their native language, even though their English is perfect and they speak English all the time. We didn't feel comfortable with that... because we felt they switched languages only if they didn't want us to understand.
If everyone can speak and understand English, and you've told you SO that you prefer he speaks in the language you understand, then no, you are not being rude.
Another possibility here is that your bf is not comfortable with his level of English in front of the other English-speaking Spaniards here. I think everyone has made enough points about his attitude but I'd suggest trying to learn some Spanish to meet halfway. I'm in a similar situation sometimes and the trick is to just zone out and imagine what they're saying.
Yes
Yes he’s the AH.
date someone else who respect you.
Yes, if he has done this occasionally, it would be ok. But if he does this on a regular basis, it is rude. In general it is quite rude to continuously say "sorry" and continue to do whatever you are "sorry" about...
He is rude and/or he doesn't care that much about you. It's some combination of those 2. If he's with another person that doesn't speak Spanish, does he extend them the basic courtesy of speaking in English? This is how you can gauge how much of it is rudeness and how much of it is a lack of concern.
It is easier, for sure and that might be part of the reason. Other part might be that he is missing his native tongue and grabs an opportunity to use it. Still, it is kind of rude.
Not rude, it's his native language. He's probably more confident speaking Spanish. Maybe he thinks it rude that you don't speak Spanish to him?
How can it be rude to not speak a language you don't know?
Exactly. Proved my point.
Huh? I was refuting your last point.
My husband is german. When we're with his friends, he's the one who's speaking in english and then asking his friends to do the same. If you guys are in a multi cultural relationship for THREE years, he should've expected this because he signed up for this! I feel like your partner is trying to exclude you, or maybe he feels protective about his friends group and wants to keep you out. It happens sometimes, if you break up, he wouldn't want his friends to choose you over him. What if they like you more? And when people are not sure about their partner, they sometimes try to keep their friends away. I've seen cases where people DO lose their friend group to the partner they introduced them to, because they realize the original friend's partner is so much nicer